#shiramiya

[stfumiyano]

[aranarumei]

spoilers for ch 51 of sasaki to miyano so like. read at your own risk but oh my god I can’t stop thinking about the construction of this chapter. this volume in general actually bc harusono is a good writer and that means that when a chapter it’s something it’s actually a culmination of things. deep breath. okay.

so. a lot of volume 10 deals with these odd, wordless senses of jealousy from both sasaki and miyano. sasaki when he sees miyano and shirahama chatting after their chance encounter, and miyano when he sees sasaki and ugawa. I think it’s critical that these friendships are ones that catch their attention, because they’re both ones that develop outside of the context of sasaki and miyano’s high school relationship. shirahama makes an actual proper appearance in ch 41 and becomes a named character in ch 42–sasaki graduates in ch 39. ugawa, obviously, is sasaki’s university friend. so for these two people, seeing them represents this feeling of change and distance they haven’t quite grappled with.

but miyano does verbalize something in ch 51, and it’s that he’s selfish. that he wants to be the person making sasaki happy. that’s why it’s so important that he catches sasaki laughing because of ugawa. because we’ve established that sasaki’s often curt, often apathetic, and so it’s Only around miyano that he makes that 180 into total cute sweetness. but obviously that’s not how humans work, right? some of that warmth they share is going to bleed out. anyways. it’s no coincidence that miyano introspects with himself about the selfishness of relationships, of love, the same chapter that shirahama carries his boxes and tells him to go to the nurses’ office. runs before he can be thanked. offered his umbrella in previous chapters. made a blueprint for miyano’s clumsy hands.

it’s something potent, I think… the weird selflessness that’s almost easier in unrequital, and the way a relationship is not the same thing as love.

[dirtbra1n]

reclining and smoking a lollipop. I hope shirahama has a particularly bad time this week

[malt-rants-and-stuff]

@dirtbra1n

Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner/Jaun beaur

Almost, Almost, almo...

[malt-rants-and-stuff]

i also wanna ask game... would like to submit shirahama and ichinose for your consideration......?

KIRIIIII hi hello have i mentioned how you are so great for making my mind turn inside out because ohhh this. this would be interesting.

thinking about it now, i cant see it in their canon setting but it is compelling to me. in different circumstances i would devour them whole honestly

like. okay. they are the kings of unrequited, always losing absolutely never going to get what they want kings. i can see shirahama chasing ichinose and getting lost in his care i can see ichinose using him as a vessel to escape from his feelings about dorm manager and then getting drawn in by everything shirahama gives i can see shirahama taking him out along with the first year gang and then having them both have a moment of 'Oh' when shiramiya interact. eye contact across the table as they're all eating and miyano sat next to shirahama gets up to call sasaki and shiraichi turn to each other while shirahama has a look in his eyes that ichinose only recognizes because he sees it in the mirror every day. and they both share a devastated look that is gone in a blink and that's the end of it.

based on what little we've seen of ichinose, he would avoid confronting it like the plague and shirahama would never be able to cope with the conflict and honesty it would take to bring it up so they never do but also it fills the air everytime they're together. it weighs a ton but they wont let it show. they have long grown used to carrying unspoken words with them. its their way of life. i see them messy and invested but also so trapped in their other longings that it ruins everything.

maybe im just a lover of all things complicated but i think it would be interesting for sure. it moves me. but not in a way where i would be able to say "yeah that is everything" more like in a "if this were ever to happen it would be a beautiful and graceless wreck" kind of way.

very much seeing them as similar in terms of how they love. they hurt and they keep their distance and they hide but oh they dream big. shirahama wants something permanent and ichinose needs something real and they cant have that with each other and if things were a little different they wouldnt even mind. but its not. theyre not.

because at the end of the day if miyano turned back around, if time passed and dorm manager saw things in a different light... i dont think they would survive that. and they would both know that too. at the end of the day it just would not work.

[burrythebusy]

OK so it seems like everyone is in the sasamiya book on the same shiramiya page!!

[stfumiyano]

[malt-rants-and-stuff]

@dirtbra1n what if I said this was shiramiya. what then.

I died but I came back exactly the same. You though, I came back and you were wrong. Did the fact of my dying really damage you that much? Was bringing me back worth what it cost you? Would it have been better to just leave me?

[aranarumei]

something there.

hello shiramiya fans. got inspired by ch 51 to write something. it is under the cut but you can also read it on ao3

—

On some level, Shirahama’s always been aware that he’s weak-willed. But this—this feels like something else. “Tashiro,” he says. “I'm going to slack off.”

“For the last time, I'm not—what?” Tashiro cuts his complaint short, turning to face Shirahama with a searching look.

Whatever this is, it sucks, that’s for sure. He grits his teeth. “I'm just—I have to dip out for a second.”

“Huh,” Tashiro says, the word suffused with both carelessness and judgement. His eyes flicker around their surroundings, and he adds, “Okay. It's not too busy, anyways… did you ask—”  

“I already asked Karasubara.”

“Then what are you still doing here?”

It’s a good question, but it’s not one that has an answer. It’s just—it probably isn’t anything serious, but Miyano hadn’t looked great, and what if it is serious? Even if his boyfriend’s taking care of him, it’ll be good for Miyano’s classmates to know how he’s doing. And that way he—they—won't worry.

“I don't know,” he says, and because he’s vindictive: “Why didn't you compete in the crossdressing contest this year? You seemed so pumped about it last time.”

Tashiro's hands stray to his hair, and he twirls a loose strand around his fingers. It vaguely strikes Shirahama that it’s not dissimilar to one of the sprites of the sporty basketball girl he’d romanced last week. “I didn't want to shave my leg hair,” he says, even though last year Miyano hadn’t shown a single inch of his leg.

Tashiro’s just non-committal like that, Shirahama supposes—even now, he likes to act as if his ping pong captaincy just “happened” like an accident. He's spent three long-suffering years on the basketball team—he knows the apathy Tashiro unintentionally or purposefully projects is deceptive.

“What are you waiting for?” Tashiro asks, pulling him out of his thoughts. “Go.”

It’s enough of a push, and crucially: it feels like enough of an excuse.

—

There are too many people inside this school. Shirahama can hear Tashiro's voice in his head still, the strange wry twist that he'd clearly picked up from someone else, paired with his evergreen bluntness—what did you think was going to happen at a cultural festival?

I wasn't thinking, he replies in his head, aware that it's a horribly strange conversation to be having, and the kind of shameless, setup-to-punchline answer he'd never give in real life. But when he'd thought about the decorations, he'd mostly thought about having something that would look nice, feel nice, and have their class at ease. He hadn't been thinking about all the other people that would be milling about.

If they're staring at him, he certainly isn't going to chance making eye contact. So he ducks his head and soldiers on towards the relatively isolated nurse’s office, and in a sudden fit of bravery pauses for only a moment before opening the door. That courage immediately leaves him when the door opens with a sharp creak and he startles, hold almost slipping from the doorknob, but it's the pathetic thought that counts. Or something.

As he's about to slip in and shut the door behind him, a rustle sounds from one of the beds. The breath leaves Shirahama's chest, and he watches as Miyano's boyfriend—Sasaki, that was his name—emerges from the curtains, hair wild in a way that reads more like “bedhead” than “artfully tousled”—not that he'd say it was ever artful, but he's got no place to be critiquing Miyano's boyfriend's hairstyle…

—and speaking of. Sasaki’s staring at him. He sure is tall—for a moment Shirahama wonders why he'd never played basketball, but it’s the kind of wonder that’s paired with utter relief at the nonexistent situation. Then he feels very strange about that thought until Sasaki, with the sedate aura of someone who’s just woken up, blinks at him as if to communicate something.

Shirahama stares back, caught like a deer in headlights.

“Close it quietly,” Sasaki says. Shirahama finally re-registers that his hand is hanging slack on the doorknob. “He's sleeping.” His voice is low, smooth, and deliberately softened to the point that Shirahama has to strain to hear it.

He wavers in the still-open entrance; his legs don't let him run away. The door closes with a soft click, but it may as well be a marching drum.

“I just… came to check in on him,” Shirahama says, too many beats late, careful to pitch his voice just above a whisper. He's not sure he manages. It's the “too many people” thing again, only concentrated—somehow, he’s the one out-of-place in a school he's attended for two and a half years.

Sasaki nods. “Thanks for looking out.”

“Oh… no problem.” He represses the urge to throw up his hands in a sign of “I come in peace,” but he doesn’t know what else to do with them, so they hang limply and indecisively in front of him. Miyano's boyfriend is—it would be rude to say that he's scary, because he's seen the way he acts around Miyano, who doesn't seem to think he’s anything close to intimidating, but he's also Miyano's boyfriend, a term that feels—he shouldn't say it's strange. It shouldn't be any stranger than Kuresawa's girlfriend—bad example, because Kuresawa’s so weird, and Shirahama’s suddenly, overwhelmingly relieved that Miyano doesn’t make hour-long professions of his love—but the thought rests uncomfortably in his head. It's like there's an itch he doesn't know how to scratch.

Sasaki takes the time to inspect him now, squinting at him with a look that’s not akin to judgement but does feel like some kind of thing, and Shirahama would be embarrassed about his inarticulacy if he wasn't already beyond embarrassed with himself. Though he's always hated the feeling of assessment, he does his best to not squirm under Sasaki’s gaze. What Sasaki's likely remembering is the strange hanger-on to Tashiro's high-five run and jump, but even if that's banal in comparison to, say, the date-spying—which is mortifying in retrospect and has given him an eternal respect towards Hanzawa, though he’ll never vocalize this to anyone for fear of the result—something about recognition is just sour.

“Ah,” Sasaki finally says, snapping a cord of tension in Shirahama's shoulders. “You're on the basketball team.”

A strange flush scatters across his neck. “You remembered that?” His voice cracks at the last word, and he tacks on a whispered “Sorry!” that Sasaki accepts without fanfare.

A light shrug. “Just happened to.”

Shirahama throws his memory back to the interaction. He remembers the stray basketball, for sure, but on review something clicks into place. “…Kagiura, right?” His voice settles. “You were looking for him.”

At that, Sasaki falls silent.

Shirahama almost offers to call up Kagiura, but they're not particularly close, and Sasaki's expression doesn't really read as “excited” or “pleased.” In fact it's kind of reading as “ticked off,” which doesn't bode well, because he's pretty sure that if he got into a fight with Miyano's boyfriend, he'd lose. Embarrassingly.

Then, delivered in an unsettlingly flat voice: “I don't know him.”

“What?”

“Kagiura,” Sasaki clarifies, who indeed does say his teammate's name like he's never said those syllables in that order before. Come to think of it, he had called Kagiura by some kind of nickname, hadn't he? “I just… knew of him. Was just curious,” he mumbles.

“He does always get a bunch of confessions on Valentine's day,” Shirahama grumbles on instinct. Then he realizes there's a lot of terrible implications to that routine complaint and backtracks. “Not that—”

“He's popular?”

He feels, suddenly—not actually suddenly but an ebbing and flowing always—wrong-footed. “…Yeah?”  Huh, Miyano's boyfriend is kind of a weird guy. Whether this thought puts Sasaki squarely in the space of “not scary” is debatable. But it is some kind of comfort.

There’s a rustling sound by the bed. The room falls silent in an instant, and Shirahama finds that he’s locked eyes with Sasaki. Something like meaning almost passes through there, but before Miyano's boyfriend can say something about needing him to be silent, or his unnecessary check-in, or his unwelcome presence, Shirahama tumbles out excuses in rush of whispers. “I’ve still got to help out with the festival—just thought I’d check—I’m sure you have it handled—I’m going to—I'll go.”

He stumbles out of the office, thankful he hadn’t even taken two steps past the entrance, and closes the door as quietly as he can. His mouth is so dry he’s not sure any of those words he'd said were audible. It’s entirely likely he stood there, gaping and sputtering like a dying fish, before running away.

No one's there to look at his expression and tell him. Shirahama's glad for it and the fact that there's no mirrors in the hallway—the last person he wants to look at is himself.

[dirtbra1n]

so let's say I start talking again. shirahama kills god. shirahama is god. shirahama's at conflict with greed, selfishness, helplessness, at conflict with the shirahama kyouji (白浜恭司) who dared to ask for help. the shirahama kyouji (白浜恭司) who killed miyano yoshikazu. shirahama (シラハマ) is a fragment of himself. sure, right? making clear things I didn't say before. what else.

shirahama learned this world as a player and isn't the player anymore. was the protagonist and now isn't. same things at different angles, bad enough on its own.

miyano changes things. character too charming eyes too beautiful. landscape changes. shirahama starts seeing depth where he didn't before. stupid thing to say, no shit, it's not a 2d game anymore. can go behind buildings he couldn't before.* try to melt into the wall—too similar to real life, ha ha. spare us a bitter laugh, kyouji. fade, ghostly, into the sunlight dripping onto the classroom floor.

get shoved into the damn hallway wall hard enough you see two kagiura akira's in front of you instead of just the one. Can I help you? asked like someone who is just begging to get roughed up, which we will not be investigating. teammate kagiura interrogates you: What's with you? you wonder what he's basing this question off of. you're not a character to begin with, you're just.. a nothing guy. nothing compared to him. Nothing, you reply, which is the worst answer. Nothing's with me.

kagi's rival goes dodging behind fucking trees when miyano yoshikazu gets within a 50 meter radius of him. kagi's rival is plain running away from a guy nearly a head shorter than him. kagi's rival—

That's a stupid answer, kagiura tells shirahama, because it is. the masses continue to mill aimlessly about the halls like nothing. shirahama continues to feel like he's having his lunch money stolen. kagiura readjusts his grip. You're playing worse.

shirahama turns his head to try and catch a glimpse out the window. petulant, What's it to you...?

kagi drops his grip. appalled. ...Nothing. I'll see you at practice.

which is fine. it's fine.

you learn nothing in class here and grasp halfheartedly at the things you learn there. not one good night's rest because there are no good nights. best you've seen in ages is dusk brushing the horizon; summer's too long. maybe sunlight feels so artificial because you've seen too much of it lately. desperate for winter. like a moth to flame, if fire was cold, and if moths were so helpless to romantic whims that they killed their best friends. Ha ha. funny, shirahama. really funny.

outside of your purview, miyano's having a hell of a time. assumptions about characters maybe 75% right on average. out of your purview, kagiura's falling in love with his roommate—you haven't met yours yet, because you have without fail decided every night to "sleep" in the common room so as to "wake up" choking and coughing in your own bed with relative, worthless privacy. outside of your purview, hanzawa senpai's "route" still goes untouched.

good job, shirahama! now instead of caring way more about the one person in your life who matters to you more than he cares about you, you care way more about every person in your life who matters to you more than they care about you. every character you fell a little in love with, eyes trained on miyano. what are you gonna do, blame them? hypocrisy, on your list of crimes, is nothing. sure! sure. protagonist miyano, and the boys who were created to love him. protagonist miyano, the boys who are his love interests, and you.

you hit the rim again. run another lap.

play an official game of basketball and feel the most real you have in ages. don't notice the way kagiura notices.

fine!

[storytimewithnova]

Bubble tea and sunsets 🌇

Trio kunishirahina (friends but had a more deeper feeling for them)

Nothing hurts more than losing friendship How was the friendship lost it started with some Rumors no one believed them at first then time went on the Rumors got worse they started to convince Kunimi now learning the truth if only he didn't believe the twisted words of a twisted pick me girl they would still be friends together but the problem is those said friends were also are your crushes and somehow you all end up separating due to forces beyond your control and for Kunimi Akira that is what happened he lost any all connection with his childhood bestfriends his soulmates they only thing he had left of them was their childhood Tradition to keep their memories alive what he didn't know was they were doing the same hoping that one day they would find each other again

From kunimi pov

Do you know what reminds me of you reminds me of us of all the times we sent together all the promises we made our old tradition i kept it going By the way i wonder if you guys did too While i also silently hoping to see you both again

Somehow for some reason i was willing to give you a second chance to explain why you both walked out of my life and left me standing in the rain like literally sanding in the way i was waiting at our normal hangout spot and you never showed upo was standing there like a lemon when it started to rain but anyway To my childhood bestfriends who i loved so dear

Loved for me i loved you more than friends for you guys i think you just saw me as just that a friend aAnd there lies my issue I gave my love my heart My tears everything I gave to you Now i am at our special place with the Horizon in view with my bubble tea in hand my memories of you two watching the sunset like we use to do which then turned into stargazing Bubble Tea and us two

Kunimi:🎶Yeah I wonder if My name has ever crossed your mind Even for a second Know it's been a second🎶

I took a sip of my bubble as i watched the sun go down i hope you two are doing the same I hope you are think of me like i am of you even if it's just for a second

Kunimi:🎶 Since we last talked Or faced each other eye-to-eye Know it's been hectic Yeah I shoulda said this🎶

When was the last time we talked or even saw each other or hungout can't remember when was the last time we hung out just the three of us oh right now i remember

Kunimi:🎶It kinda hurts 'cause it's insane Yeah we walk by and it's like I don't even know you Like I've never met you I see our pictures on my phone And question why we didn't try But we were just habits Thought we'd always have it🎶

I sat and looked at the pictures one my phone of us and wondered what happened what changed was in me was it something I did something I said what tore us apart

Kunimi:🎶So to my ex-best friends I thought I'd know till the end Sorry I know things aren't going as we planned To my once ride or die The ones who always knew me right We would swear it'd always end up you and I We really messed up this time🎶

Else where in Hyōgo miya residence Sho sat at her window looking out as she watched the sunset and drank her bubble tea she sang

Sho:🎶We really messed up this time We really messed up this time🎶

Shona's POV

I am sorry Jiro and Aki i miss you guys so much i wish you were here right now or i was there i am sorry I left you guys sorry i didn't explain sorry i disappeared without a trace

Kunimi:🎶What about all the nights Where we'd talk about our lives? We were just wishing🎶

Else where with shirabu and shona (they are in their homes they are now looking at the stars singing)

ShiraMiya:🎶Wish I woulda listened🎶

Even though they were doing their childhood tradition separately and in diffrent prefectures they somehow felt connected and they could feel each other and their sadness that made them more determined to get back to each other somehow yes Kunimi still had those romantic feelings for both of them but what about shirabu and Shona they would be lying if they said there weren't something there but right now all that is there is hurt longing and sadness

Kunimi:🎶It kinda hurts 'cause it's insane Yeah we walk by and it's like I don't even know you Like I've never met you🎶

Shona:🎶I see our pictures on my phone And question why we didn't try But we were just habits Thought we'd always have it🎶

She say looking at their old memories pictures videos and questioned why they didn't try and talk why they haven't tried to reach out to each other she always thought they be together forever bffs till the end but guess she was wrong apart of her wants to keep some hope though

All three:🎶So to my ex-best friends I thought I'd know 'til the end Sorry I know things aren't going As we planned To my once ride-or-die The ones who always knew me right We would swear it'd always end up You and I We really messed up this time🎶

No one's pov

They got up from where they sat and threw away their empty Bubble Tea cup they looked at the moon at said we will see each other again Somehow someday we will get back to each other he hit shuffle on his Ipod that had all the songs the trio made together the music started playing he started singing what he didn't realise is he called the Chaotic friends GC at the same time

In the Chaos raigns supreme GC

Kunimi:🎶Remember when we first met? You said "let's watch the sunset" So I lied to my mom and dad🎶

Shona's thoughts💭 i remember thst you were meant to be grounded

Shirabu’s thoughts💭 we miss you Aki come back to us bestie

Kunim:🎶I jumped the fence and I ran But we couldn't go very far 'Cause you locked your keys in your car So you sat and stared at my lips And I could already feel your kiss🎶

kenma:Kunimi what are you talking about

Shona's thoughts💭we came to get you but we didn't far because shirabu looked his keys in his car we stared are your lips kunimi you were our first kiss

Suna: Kunimi are you okay?

Kunimi:🎶Long nights, daydreams Sugar and Candies, I've been a fool But Bubble Tea and Sunsets always remind me of you🎶

the friend group was silent and confused suddenly shona started Typing

Shona:🎶Headlights, on me Racing to 60, I've been a fool But Bubble Tea and Sunsets always remind me of 🎶

everyone:Shona?!

even her siblings are confused shirabu suddenly started typing

shirabu:🎶Brown eyes, black jeans Lighters and Vaping, I've been a fool But Bubble Tea and Sunsets always Reminds me of you🎶

Kunimi: @shona @Shirabu 🎶Remember when you taught me fate Said it'd all be worth the wait Like that night in the back of the cab When your fingers walked in my hand🎶

Shona:🎶Next day, nothin' on my phone But I can still smell you on my clothes🎶

After that night Kunimi was talking about it was like they all ghosted each other this was before the rumours before the fall out before they lost each other

With the others in the Chaotic GC they are trying to workout what is going on so they are letting the Trio continue hoping for anwsers

Shirabu:🎶Always hoping things would change But we went right back to your games Long nights, daydreams Sugar and Candies, I've been a fool But Bubble Tea and Sunsets always reminds me of you🎶

The trio:🎶Headlights, on me Racing to 60, I've been a fool But Bubble Tea and Sunsets always reminds me of Blue eyes, black jeans Lighters and Vaping, I've been a fool But Bubble Tea and Sunsets always reminds me of you🎶

Kunimi:🎶And even if I run away Give my heart a holiday Still Bubble Tea and Sunsets always Reminds me of you🎶

Shona:🎶You always leave me wanting more I can't shake my hunger for Bubble Tea and Sunsets always reminds me of you Yeah, they always remind me of you:🎶

Shirabu:🎶Long nights, daydreams With that sugar and Candies Always Reminds me of you🎶

Kunimi:🎶Headlights, on me🎶

Shirahina:🎶and even if I run away🎶

Kunimi:🎶Racing to 60, I've been a fool🎶

Shirahina:🎶and give my heart a holiday🎶

Kunimi: 🎶Still, Bubble Tea and Sunsets always remind me Blue eyes, black jeans🎶

Shirahina:🎶you always leave us wanting more🎶

Kunimi:🎶Lighters and Vaping, I've been a fool

Shirahina: 🎶I can't shake my hunger for🎶

The trio:🎶Bubble Tea and Sunsets always Reminds me of you🎶

Shona: we missed you Aki we are sorry so so sorry

Shirabu: yeah Kira we are crap friends

Kunimi: No your not we all believed the rumours that was made about us by a pick me girl we should have trusted each other i mean jesus we have been friends since we were kids our bond is strong enough to withstand anything then little miss pick me comes along with her twisted words and twisted games because she was jealous and wanted Kenji she broke us apart

Everyone in the chats thoughts 💭R/N did that but even we thought she was telling the truth

Kunimi: all because the truth is she wanted to make a harem your harem shona she didn't just want Kenji she wanted your harem for fame money popularity

Everyone:.....

Kunimi continued

Kunimi: and here and everyone that believed her drove a us apart we lost friends because of her

Shona: No wrong even my brothers don't know all the bulling i endured and how many attempts i made on my if it weren't for Tori Ni bringing me back every time i would be dead

The twins thoughts💭 what the hell Imōto how did we not know omg of course she wouldn't tell us we believed the pick me girl

Shirabu: how did we not know about this

Shona: after she spead her twisted stories i figured you wouldn't want to talk to me she painted me as a whore that i sleep with people for money as well as bully people

You could feel the guilt radiant in the group chat especially from her brothers

Shona: you don't think i wanted to be with you two again i mean i even kept our childhood tradition alive

Shirakuni: so did we

Kunimi: can we like meet up tonight our place

Shirabu: with Bubble Teas

Shona: and Sunsets turn to stargazing

The trio: sounds like a plan see you later

The trio went offline

Osamu: Imōto what have I done to you

Atsumu: correction what have we done to you why didn't Nee san tell us

Suna: we are the worse friends ever

Konoha: even me and Daishou how could we we're her cousins we shunned her even when she came to use telling us Auntie disowned her

The twins : What?!

Atsumu added Mrs miya

Mrs miya: Atsumu what's up

Atsumu: back read mum back read and see what your youngest has gone through

Mrs Miya Backread

Mrs Miya: .....

Mrs miya didn't know what to say she course harm to her youngest daughter she also just learnt she is vaping and do drugs (Sugar as in drug coke mainly and candies as in the sweets ) it broke her heart knowing she was a course She heard the rumors she believed them and she kicked her youngest out

Osamu:Like me and Atsumu we are also guilty you did't hear her out and we are not going to play it off that we are not guilty because we are

meanwhile the Trio meant up at their spot went to the hill and sat under a cherry bloosm tree to watch the sunset with bubble teas

after that night they were able to rekindle their friendship and their mom tried to get her daughter back but shona said what she did hurt her and she can't forgive her even her brothers begged forgiveness the same with kunimi and shirabu they didn't forgive their families or friends their bond grew stronger and the crush they had for each other became more and so did they

the end

[malt-rants-and-stuff]

@kagiura-akira @aranarumei @dirtbra1n @sunnnfish

letting the people know this exists because I just opened the shirahama tag and died instantly seeing shiramiya in the pairings

[aranarumei]

hello sasamiya fandom if you're interested in shirahama. or shiramiya. consider checking out my dating sim au fics…….? title looks more ominous than it is (yet) I promise…

[malt-rants-and-stuff]

@dirtbra1n

sometimes a ghost is a ghost but other times a ghost is the prominent absence of a ghost

[aranarumei]

As he's about to slip in and shut the door behind him, a rustle sounds from one of the beds. The breath leaves Shirahama's chest, and he watches as Miyano's boyfriend—Sasaki, that was his name—emerges from the curtains, hair wild in a way that reads more like “bedhead” than “artfully tousled”—not that he'd say it was ever artful, but he's got no place to be critiquing Miyano's boyfriend's hairstyle…

—and speaking of. Sasaki’s staring at him. He sure is tall—for a moment Shirahama wonders why he'd never played basketball, but it’s the kind of wonder that’s paired with utter relief at the nonexistent situation. Then he feels very strange about that thought until Sasaki, with the sedate aura of someone who’s just woken up, blinks at him as if to communicate something.

Shirahama stares back, caught like a deer in headlights.

“Close it quietly,” Sasaki says. Shirahama finally re-registers that his hand is hanging slack on the doorknob. “He's sleeping.” His voice is low, smooth, and deliberately softened to the point that Shirahama has to strain to hear it.

hi kiri coming to you live from main blog this morning to see if you have anything you wanna share about this chunk from something there. shirahama's imagined and nonexistent situation haunts me is why. also three or so star emojis here at your leisure I'm just on my laptop. okay I love you

ask me to give “director’s commentary” on some part of a fic! or send a ⭐️ for me to talk about a bit of my choice?

hope you’ll forgive me, dirtbra1n… I got so rambly about something there that I’m not sure I’ve got it in me for those star emojis. and I’m on my phone so sorry about formatting. under the cut as usual:

right. so, something there was written for two reasons—I wanted to write a semi-approachable shiramiya fic (aka nothing as complex as dating sim au), and I wanted to inspect the interesting bits of volume 10. these end up being kind of the same thing, and that thing is something there.

so. what’s up with volume 10? what’s up there is jealousy—both miyano and sasaki act oddly to ugawa and shirahama’s presences. miyano in particular is surprised to see sasaki laughing—he knows sasaki’s usually only so bright around him, so it’s strange to see him like that with someone he doesn’t know. the not-knowing, here, is crucial—sasaki doesn’t display the same discomfort with tashiro, and miyano doesn’t do so regarding sasaki & hirano’s relationship.

the not knowing is important—the lack of knowledge allows for speculation, about what the other person might be like, and more importantly it’s a signal of distance. the fact that ugawa and sasaki hang out isn’t what miyano’s feeling strange about, it’s the fact that this guy in sasaki’s life seems to have appeared, and miyano doesn’t know him. sasaki’s got aspects of himself miyano isn’t privy to, because of time, and distance, and all that comes with having a boyfriend who’s a year older than you. so he’s feeling a little possessive, maybe.

so, then: sasaki and shirahama don’t know each other. shirahama doesn’t get named and introduced until after sasaki graduates, so their existences never really meet each other. the only time they do, before now, is that small visit sasaki pays towards the basketball club.

now, I don’t think ugawa has a crush on sasaki, but i do think shirahama has a crush on miyano. and throughout the cultural festival, he very conspicuously refers to sasaki as miyano’s boyfriend. it makes sense—is there any other part of sasaki that shirahama knows about? but it’s also deeply revealing, in that shirahama’s really attached to that title, boyfriend. like it’s all that sasaki is.

so, sasaki doesn’t know shirahama. shirahama doesn’t know sasaki. right now, they’re not people to each other—they’re ideas of people. something there means to explore the tensions of that changing—of things getting complicated.

because if shirahama is into miyano, that makes thing complicated. and if shirahama is into miyano, seeing sasaki as a person, and not “guy who’s dating the guy I’m in love with” is really complicated. and shirahama strikes me as the type of guy who is conflict-avoidant to a fault. this is why he refuses to actually acknowledge that there is, well, something there. that he’s got feelings. that sasaki’s a full person.

all of that motivates what’s going on here. let’s break it down…

As he's about to slip in and shut the door behind him, a rustle sounds from one of the beds.

something that fascinates me is how frustrated shirahama looks, when telling miyano to rest. if he meant to do it as a friend, it would be easy, I think, to usher, but the reason he notices a thing like this at all is because he’s paying an undue amount of attention to miyano (see: specially made blueprints) and thus, caring for him like this makes him feel like he’s overstepping. like he’s being to obvious, about being in love. but because he’s in love, he can’t help it. even though he hasn’t internalized any of this yet.

and this makes him quite aware of how checking in on miyano feels like an imposition, which is why even as he enters the nurse’s office, he’s quiet, slipping in to quietly shut the door, attentive enough to pause even at the slightest rustling noise. he wants to minimize himself.

The breath leaves Shirahama's chest, and he watches as Miyano's boyfriend—Sasaki, that was his name—emerges from the curtains, hair wild in a way that reads more like “bedhead” than “artfully tousled”—not that he'd say it was ever artful, but he's got no place to be critiquing Miyano's boyfriend's hairstyle…

even at a noise he’s panicked, because again, he doesn’t want to be seen, doesn’t want to confront this part of himself—the part that’s worked itself up into wanting to visit Miyano in the first place. he feels like an intruder. then there’s sasaki’s first appearance—shirahama refers to him as Miyano’s boyfriend, but with Miyano nowhere in sight… well, he’s Sasaki, isn’t he? so we’re using that name. I also thought Miyano’s boyfriend would be a bit of a mouthful to say every time, so it worked in that manner, too, where now I can reserve it for meaningful usages.

and shirahama’s over-aware of everything, because of that unrequited love—he notes that sasaki’s hair seems to suggest he’s been sleeping, with Miyano, a thought he won’t delve into because it’ll make him feel weird, and then goes on to criticize sasaki’s hairstyle. we know shirahama’s good with hair, and particularly picky about his own (it’s in the second years novel) and it’s not out of the ordinary for him to notice hair, but by criticizing Miyano’s boyfriend’s hair, there’s an implication of like, well, I could do better. my hair is better than Miyano’s boyfriend’s hair. I could be a better boyfriend. and that’s like of thought is exactly why shirahama pulls that thought back and says he’s got no place.

—and speaking of. Sasaki’s staring at him. He sure is tall—for a moment Shirahama wonders why he'd never played basketball, but it’s the kind of wonder that’s paired with utter relief at the nonexistent situation. Then he feels very strange about that thought until Sasaki, with the sedate aura of someone who’s just woken up, blinks at him as if to communicate something.

so, shirahama thinks he doesn’t have the right to compare himself with Miyano’s boyfriend, and Sasaki is, well, Sasaki, again. Just a guy. The assessment of him moves out of Miyano-territory into basketball, and there’s relief because 1) it’s another comparison. what if sasaki was a basketball star in the making, and shirahama looked like even more of a loser next to him? he’s already insecure about his place in the club, it seems, and he doesn’t need anything else contributing to that, and 2) sasaki playing basketball means that Shirahama would’ve interacted with him on a really regular basis. They would’ve been, you know, people to each other. so yeah, he feels strange. and then again, he pays specific attention to the fact that sasaki was totally sleeping beforehand.

Shirahama stares back, caught like a deer in headlights.

same thing about feeling like an intruder as before. also i think the idea of talking with sasaki freaks him out. like a deer, he planned to startle and—jump. run, like he does later.

“Close it quietly,” Sasaki says. Shirahama finally re-registers that his hand is hanging slack on the doorknob. “He's sleeping.” His voice is low, smooth, and deliberately softened to the point that Shirahama has to strain to hear it.

sasaki’s first focus is on Miyano’s comfort. so he tells Shirahama to close the door. it’s ambiguous as to whether these lines invite Shirahama in, or out. though I do think sasaki’s jealous, in some sense, but he doesn’t actually feel threatened by shirahama’s presence. it’s more like… he just misses Miyano, more than anything. Wants to keep that guy all to himself. so he’s not particularly aggressive towards shirahama.

[aranarumei]

day negative fourteen.

hiii everyone. i've been really thinking about it lately so here is a sort of. fun(?) prelude for the sasamiya dating sim au.

In the end, everything is built with a switch. You have two choices. On and off. That’s all there is to it.

I don’t get it. Could you explain that a little more?

You’re talking about binary code, right?

…Hana-san, you’re quite strange.

Shirahama’s hands pause on the buttons of his controller. First, he yawns—it’s quite late, and this is probably going to be the last bit of progress he makes in this game. Hana’s sprite is staring back at him. She’s usually ducking her head or fidgeting, the glare of her glasses obscuring her eyes, but right now she has her hands folded politely in front of her, shoulders set straight.

It’s a pretty sight. Shirahama’s been trying to get into Hana’s route for a while—there’s a lot of characters he was interested in learning more about, but after he’d gone through a tumultuous relationship with the secret daughter of a prime minister, he’d wanted to pick a character that seemed a little more mundane. She’s the shy and nerdy type of character who’s beautiful once her glasses are removed, which Shirahama would be fairly ambivalent about were it not for the fact that whoever did the art for the game had gone all out on the expressiveness of her eyes. When he’d first seen her sprite switch from a dull, downcast look into eyes that glowed and glittered in purple tones, it was like magic. He’d avoided everyone else in the game since then.

As for how to respond…

Calling her strange is definitely the wrong play. Shirahama’s not that stupid. The correct answer is probably to say the line about binary code. Hana’s pretty good with computers, and in the last time they’d chatted, she’d showed him something she’d programmed. He’s about to select the second option when he finds himself hesitating.

It’s just that… the second option sounds so confident. What if it’s faking out people who try to sound smart without knowing anything? Shirahama honestly doesn’t get what Hana’s talking about, and if he wasn’t playing a game, he’d probably just ask. Didn’t people like it when you asked about things they liked? What was wrong with that?

I don’t get it. Could you explain that a little more?

Oh… you don’t get it.

Hana’s sprite reverts into her gloomy self.

It’s just… I thought someone would finally get me, you know? But it’s still really nice of you to ask… it’s just something about coding or whatever. It probably won’t make that much sense to you. I’m sorry, ˹Shirahama˼.

His eyes are stinging. Maybe sleep deprivation is the reason for Shirahama’s stupid choices.

Making sure to not save his progress, he exits out of the game, turns the lights off in his room, and flops down on his bed. If he replays that section of the game tomorrow, he’ll just pick the right answer. That’s the entire point of dating sims. Picking the right answer. Being the right person. No room for anything else.

His gaze drifts to the vague shadow where he knows his bag is. There’s a copy of Boys Life Romance! tucked deep in the bottom, separated from its original game cover. For such a peppy title with such a garish looking cover, some of the routes are pretty depressing.

It’s also a game that’s way harder than the one he just quit out of. If he’d tried to assume what Hanzawa-senpai meant to say whenever he drifted into a strange monologue, he’d get dropped from his route immediately. Now that was a character like a real magic trick—every once in a while, he’d say things so perceptively it felt like he was piercing Shirahama through the screen. His favorite route, though, had probably been Kagiura—sweet, jealous, and possessive, but never in a way that felt troubling. Really good at basketball, too. That was probably what Shirahama liked best in any character in a dating sim. Passion. Interest. One thing, and now you had a character with a life outside being romanced but also the kind of intensity that could turn you head over heels in an instant.

Miyano had said he’d never really played visual novels before, but he had talked about reading BL manga, yesterday. He’d also been blushing like crazy. It was kind of cute, seeing him get so worked up. To spare his embarrassment, it would probably be best to hand it off to him some time before he left to catch the train, or something. Find a secluded enough stairwell and recommend it in a way that didn’t come off as too awkward… well, it would be a little awkward. But Miyano was the kind of person that you wanted to talk to even if it felt a little strange.

He’d probably like it, anyways. Shirahama kind of wonders if his ears will turn red when he finds out just what kind of visual novel Shirahama’s lending him.

That image in mind, he drifts off to sleep.

Maybe it's nerves, but he dreams of nothing and wakes up with enough time to play the correct option on Hana’s route.

Yes! If we treat ‘on’ as ‘one’ and ‘off’ as ‘zero’, we get binary code. And when we read certain patterns of ones and zeroes, we can make larger numbers and letters… and everything cascades into more complex code until we get to what a modern-day programmer uses. It’s amazing that something so versatile is born out of something so simple, don’t you think? I’m so glad I can talk about this with you, ˹Shirahama˼!

Hana’s eyes are sparkling. Shirahama heads to school with some extra cheer in his steps.

—

Two weeks later, Miyano Yoshikazu wakes up in a bed he doesn’t know. It’s a good thing he’s in the nurse’s office, because he feels immediately, deeply sick.

He’s not the only one.