#shes just so pretty I cant help myself
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i know astrology is fake but i'm not too keen on how a lot of people on this website seem to be clowning on it as a hobby a bit too hard. i swear the woman who thinks it's neat how she and her friends with the same sun sign are all similar isn't trying to say that you are who you are born as and there is nothing you can do to change it. it's a hobby. an interest. what happened to finding meaning and joy in the small things. does it affect you if someone enjoys tarot reading or crystals. does it make you upset someone has interests that they enjoy.
#im not saying astrology/tarot/crystals/etc. get clowned on so much bc theyre hobbies mostly enjoyed by women But....#i saw a post about some astrology study and made the mistake of opening the notes on that bad boy#not fun. and that reminded me of that old post that was basically like ''liking astrology is transphobic''#anyways idk maybe its just that my bestie is very much a ''crystal girl'' but like. stuff like that are such neat hobbies#she makes some cute little jars with pretty rocks and they make her feel better bc if you believe in something you can make it happen#when it comes to small things#like yeah if you pick up a stone that's like ''this can help you be more open with your emotions'' and you are like ''oh hell yea!''#ofc that will be on your mind and the item will be a constant reminder and actually help you with your goals#and its like. ok what really stuck with me was when i was talking with my bff and i was like ''i think all this stuff is interesting but i#feel bad bc i am superstitious and believe in some signs like lucky numbers but i know that logically its just. if i pick a lucky number of#i pay extra attention to it but i want to believe its lucky but i know how human brains work in that aspect''#and she was just like. ''so? those things dont have to exclude each other'' and it clicked#if i have a little tigers eye with me it does not make me feel more grounded magically#but if i decide (or believe) it's grounding then it will b bc it's a reminder for me to calm down#and stuff#like. ah idk how to put my thoughts into words#but i just think its unfair that a few rotten apples have ruined the perception of fun hobbies for a lot#not every astrology enjoyer is trying to sell you mlm essential oils or genuinely believe peoples entire lives are dictated upon the stars#or something#idk i just feel like these things are v misunderstood even tho im not personally like super into them myself#but ppl super mean about that stuff arent invited to look at my medieval themed fortune telling cards#idkk im sleepy and cant articulate my points someone else say this but better#leevi talks#im just saying. i dont think its bioessentialism to decide to believe you personally have a season for growth when the stars are in a#certain position or whatever
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i feel like. theres designing a character with certain themes and motifs in mind, and then theres making a gijinka for the water bottle on my nightstand
#me when im the only person on the bus wearing a mask: i should make a furry plaguesona#its hard to explain bc. most of the time i try NOT to give my characters a 'strong' theme like making their whole design around#one thing like apples or even broad stuff like baking or cottagecore.. idk if its partly for flexibility or because i cant imagine them#making it their whole personality. not bc i find it cringe or overblown but more like ive learned to associate design with character depth#i had a cutesy uwu persona for most of highschool because i thought it would make me more. likeable? easy to remember? since#memorable character designs are easy to recognize. and one way of doing that is simplifying it with a theme or symbol so you form an#association. but since im a real person its exhausting keeping up that appearance all the time and denying myself things when they dont#fit my 'aesthetic' or 'theme.' i think ive grown past that bc i just collect stuff because i think it looks cool and dont let myself dwell#on how it might 'fit' with my image. but i cant help feeling bad doing it to my own characters bc it feels like im making them too one#dimensional. despite knowing that theyre not real and design alone doesnt reflect depth i cant help feeling like its wrong#despite that i love seeing motifs because it feels like it reflects the characters soul and paradoxically gives them depth. it makes them#interesting to look at too and honestly its pretty fun combining things that fall under a similar category when designing#i struggle find a balance between those two things#actually this reminds me of noelles christmas theme.. i dont remember her saying anything abt liking christmas despite a lot of#her design and character tying back to it. it makes me wonder if she would have feelings about that or doesnt think abt it too hard#or if its like a matching family shirts situation and shes just going along with it??#maybe i should just do whatever i want with my character designs since theyre not real and im thinking abt it too hard#although. this probably has something to do with deep seated identity issues huh#yapping#oc talk#oc
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You know what being objectum SUCKS why do i have to have a goddamn crush on a GODDAMN MOUNTAIN
#objectum#mountains#HELP#I CANT TALK TOO MUCH ABOUT HER LEST I DOXX MYSELF BUT JUST KNOW#SHE IS BIG AND BEAUTIFUL AND MAKES ME DAMN FLUSTERED#which SUCKS because she is RIGHT THERE. Whenever i look outside a window she is RIGHT THERE.#WHY do i have to get flustered now whenever i go outside. augh.#i cant help it she is so fucking pretty and stunning and you can see her crags and rocks and UGH#i hate this#hey google how do make out with mountain?????????#is there an objectum tag specifically for mountains and all that?#why am i like this why do i have to be like this is so embarassing
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I know it would literally never happen, but whenever the speculation of who the next James Bond will be comes up, I can only think about how I would sell my soul to get a butch lesbian James Bond 😣
#cause people are always arguing against having a female 007 bcs it would change too much#okay so why not just swap her gender and change nothing else 😌#i realized when writing this post tho that my one oc is literally my concept for a lesbian james bond 😭#butch lesbian womanizer who wears suits all the time and smokes/drinks too much and loves money and weapons#i think about this every once in a while and i want it so badly but it will literally never happen#please she would be so masc and cool and sexy#i dont know if i necessary like the idea of making a new chara to be 007#but like....female James Bond but nothing else changes 👀#im trying to fall asleep and i can only envision various scenes from casino royale but w my version of james bond#pls she could be jamie bond!!!#sorry this is completely random and probably nonsensical but it haunts me so often#every time i rewatch casino royale im like man...espionage movies are cool! and then start fantasizing about female james bond#the names bond. jamie bond.#maybe i will draw it sometime#just not sure how id design her bcs as i said my brain cant help but be a bit stuck on my oc that fits pretty well#but seriously. they wouldnt even have to change anything!#like they have all the jokey pun names for women...guess what. even more opportunities#but like gahhhhhh i think about a masc woman in the bond movies ive watched and im like wow i would enjoy this movie substantially more!#like the shower scene in casino royale........#i cant even rly bring myself to watch bond movies older than the daniel craig ones bcs the objectification and misogyny bothers me too much#but imagining a masc woman in their place 👀 i am on board!#imagining her with bond girls 😳😳😳😳😳#sorry again: super random but it is late please forgive me#catie.rambling.txt
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everyone say thank u to my roommate for going to visit her parents this weekend so I can jack it loud and nasty 🙏
#i love her but there are some benefits to having the flat to myself.... love getting to wander around in just my boxers + a tshirt too#things i could do while she was still here if i wasnt a pussy 🙄#jk itd just make her uncomfortable and im too respectful for that#having a lowkey crush on her is an endless comedy to me bc we would be so woefully incompatible romantically#and also sexually.. historically ive only ever stone topped bc ive never been comfortable enough w anyone to let them fuck me#despite very much Not being stone or exclusively a top. and i think shes some form of sex repulsed anyway so like. sits there dead silence#and also shes so in love with her other friends and i showed up late to that party.... ive been feeling kinda guilty lately bc ik-#she misses them a lot and wishes we'd be able to stay roommates w them too. and im a pretty poor replacement for them tbh#and i love spending time with her but whenever i do i feel kinda painfully aware im not them like i could never fill that space#and asking to hang out more with her always feels like im taking away from time she could be talking to them. or even being alone ik she-#likes her own company and i get that a lot too so its chill but ahh.. man#i dont mean this in a bitter or jealous way at all like theyre all such sweet ppl i couldnt ever hold it against them#theyre kind of a 3 headed cerberus type situation and im like. the stray puppy they found on the side of the road#theres nothing they can do differently i was just born to be alienated from other ppl forever until i die. and someday i hope ill-#finally get used to it and accept i wont ever feel like im enough for anyone else or feel like anything else is enough for me#old wounds healed over 5082 times that still hurt to touch but i cant help pressing my fingers into them anyway bc its a familiar pain etc#anyway lost where i was going with this its just been on my mind again recently. i hate to be pitied i hate to feel like im only included-#bc they didnt want me to feel left out i hate feeling like a shoddy secondhand stand-in and its been a lot of that lately#also been a little annoyed bc sometimes it feels like shes trying to micromanage my social life and girl. we're not close enough for that#im sure its well intentioned but im not part of what they have going on i cant compete in that ring so dont try to push me into it..#ahhh. its all ok tho one of the guys is coming to visit next month which will be rly fun but ill try to give them some space too#its good at least im doing this processing now bc group situations can be spike traps of triggers for me sometimes#regardless of how good friends i am w ppl and ive already had a wobble a few weeks ago w how i cope and i dont want it to become a#fully fledged regular issue again bc its so hard to crawl back out of that pit. anyway losing coherence here im gonna stop rambling#and go make myself an early dinner and then back to drawing........#sorry for long tags if ur reading this blows u a kiss but go find a better use of ur time girl!!#.diaries
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i hope that everyone is aware that i am trying SO HARD to be normal but the universe is TESTING ME.
#i am trying ao hard not to fall back into old habits rn but jesus CHRIST brooooooooo#i havent been able to get barely any time with the staff i need for the past two days and now#theyre like 40mins late with my meds bc of another tenant#and its not even like theyre WITH the other tenant rn btw there are two members of staff sat in the office just talking#and its like bro. BROOOOOOOO#like they know this shit is SO triggering and i know they cant help some stuff but i still feel like i should be able to get my meds on time#if they arent actively with another tenant#its such a small thing but it helps my brain remember that actually they do still care abt me lol#all ive wanted to do since like wednesday was just watch a movie with my fp now that we’re cool again#and i was waiting in the lounge for like an hour and no one even came in#and its not like we planned anything so im not mad or whatever im just frustrated that#i had a rlly shit night last night and a pretty shit day today#and there just isnt anyone around to talk to bc theyre all dealing with someone else#or not even just sat around talking or whatever#idk this shit makes me wanna punch things burn everything to the ground and then kill myself if im being totally honest rn#and like last night and this isnt my therapists fault or anything but ahe wasnt able to pick up#and i managed to get thru it but it just added to the feeling like no one gave a shit#and its past nine again so she probs wouldnt be able to pick up now even tho i kinda need help again#idk this shit just. its so fucking triggering and i feel insane and so tightly wound#and ive been putting so much effort into my stupid therapy and i just wanna let go and have a full on meltdown again#i wanna take a bunch of pills and scream and cry and throw things and argue and just LET GO#cuz i feel like thats my ‘true nature’ and everything else is just me faking#or masking#AND IM SO FUCKING SICK OF IT ITS SO MUCH EFFORT AND I FEEL LIKE IM GETTING NOTHING BACK
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HOLY SHITTTTTTTTTTTTT THAT CRITROLE EP WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! im SO glad we had the set up of the last one so we could have the big thrills of this!!!!!!!!! this had everything!! it had ira's bad (and good!) decisions! it had sam's out of pocket wacky can shenanigans!! it had deception and sneaking! it had badass plays and some.. eye-catching talents 👀 it had gross shit that's kinda actually sad if u think about it! it had walking (running) away from explosions (NOT a sunglasses moment this was a loserfail) it had .. terrifying parents. it had imodna momence !! :D it even had some unprecedented wins for our typically fighty/flighty adventurers!!! i will ABSOLUTELY be watching that again come monday!!!!!!!!!!
#lynx speaks#cr spoilers#now to expand upon these!!! i am THRILLED that there has been a more overt notice of orym's hex 😏#thats what i've been excited for for aaaaaaages i adore orym esp when he gets a little more fucked up#what can i say im a bit of an angst fan myself :D#fcg gave ira SUCH a bad time tho like CMON BBYYYYY 1 MINUTE ?!?!?!?!?!! yall r LUCKY yalls r cool af#also tho.... ira actually saving fearne like 👀 i see it!!! i think simply everyone likes fearne and everyone would save her 😎#and team infiltrate i loooved imogen's use of that damn .. what was it called ? the damn static bomb that was sick as hell!!!#and hey!! both teams got in and out without anyone catching on that it was bells hells helping!#is that a first for bh? cause it sure feels like it TBH like the feywild malleus key stunt did NAWT go this smoothly#even with the bumps they had they did terrific frfr#esp with imogen setting up oryms badass fighter play and launda and chet setting each other up for success#and it does FEEL like imogen is more powerful on ruidus just from the plays she makes like the static spell and how it set Everyone up#to protect them all and keep their enemies in bad positions so that bh had good positions#they barely got hits and orym and chet took the brunt of it#they got out everoa and themselves without too much hassle and i'd say team mcfuckin 'splosion did pretty fucken well too#more damage on their side but. thatssss not their fault thats mainly on ira (and fcg 😂)#gosh. goshhh. what a good fucking episode. and sorrowlord zathuda. and liliana. fuck bro.#zathuda is SCARY#and liliana i meaaaaaaan. hun what did u THINK 🧐 imogen meant when she told u to run?? 🤔 'did she know' u know the answer to that.#i was definitely excited cause. we knew the volition were gonna fail in killing liliana. but i felt in my heart that she was gonna#feel betrayed by imogen. despite creating the scenario in which imogen must 'betray' her.#i LOVE fucked up mothers cant waaaaait to see what happens next !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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ive been a little upset about it all night so i need to write out all the things that happened at work today and are bugging me so i can TRY to get it out of my head and actually RELAX bc i just keep pacing in circles around it instead of just accepting it and moving on
#for context i was working frying chicken today. ok so i arrive and literally all the chicken out expires within ten minutes of each other#meanwhile to remake everything takes about an hour 20#tried my best to get everything out and replaced and make sure i have enough of everything and then take my break bc with chicken there are#few narrow windows to take your break in you have very little control over when it is#get back and while im getting ready for my next fry one of the assistant leaders comes back and passive aggressively asks 'everything ok?'#and when i say yeah shes starts saying how shes 'just checking' because apparently i didnt have enough chicken out for her liking and went#on about how we're in a chicken drive (I KNOW. I WORK CHICKEN SHE NEVER HAS.)#etc etc. i just say ok and she leaves#like 20 minutes later she comes fucking back to rag on me again about how i need to choose my break times better and i need to have more#chicken out there as back up (extremely difficult bc there is literally only so much room in the fryers. the batches i usually make already#nearly completely fill them up) blah blah and then when i try to explain how i WAS making pretty big batches people are just snatching them#up fast she keeps trying to walk out the door right away and keeps stopping and looking over her shoulder to just stare at me while i try t#finish my sentence#and she just. doesnt say anything in response when i do finish she just leaves#so clearly she didnt want a conversation she just wanted to rag on me#then later for cleanup the timing of everything just kept lining up inconveniently so i kept having to get in and out of raw cleaning gear#and slowing myself down and i end up having to stay almost 15 minutes late to finish cleaning#during cleaning i have to go grab a key to the back door to take out my trash and this one coworker i have was standing in the way of the#door. i say excuse me and she just stares at me and goes huh?#and i say i need a key and she barely moves out of the way without responding and she has a look like im bothering her#why are you acting like im being douchey. i just need a key. thats something she does a lot she acts like im inconveniencing her by asking#basic favors . ive stopped asking her to help me open the back door (sometimes needed if i also have raw garbage to take out and therefore#cant touch the key myself) for some reason she takes it upon herself to almost completely close the door after i walk out so when i come#back i have to awkwardly use my foot to reach around and pull the door open#ive asked her before not to do it and she just ignored me#GRAH GRAH. and then like i said in my last rb i realized while i was drivign home i forgot to wash a damn pan#im mostly worried about it because ive forgotten a couple times in the past too . in my defense its a pan i personally dont use but it just#gets left behind from first shift sometimes and then second shifters end up having to make sure its clean#im just irritateddd and im mad im worried about it all. its all little things piling up on each other#LOL I WROTE A LOT MORE BUT THE REST GOT CUT OUT IG I HIT A TAG LIMIT. tumblr voice ok dude quit your bitching !!
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having the worst day known to mankind so pls tell me something that has made you really happy recently.... or like any kind of happiness you want to share <3
#pls pls pls I am not doing well#tw rent in the tags!!!#I really thought I was doing well with my roommates#but my one pretty much told me in the kitchen how terrible she thinks I am#all because I sent a text to our group chat saying the dishwasher was dirty and we could put our dishes in their#because I was the one who did it. that is why I sent it. and there was a million dirty dishes in the sink#she said to me and I quote. I do not like being told to do thing#things*#I didn't even tell her to do them... I said I did them and that we could put our dishes in their that were dirty.... I dont get it#and we have pet rats and she told me I basically she does more than me in the house (she doesn't lol)#her reasoning was that she does the rat cage more than I do which is NOT okay because that to her is a shared responsibility#but doing the dishes is somehow not something that should be a shared responsibility ????? I cant explain it BC IT MAKES NO SENSE#she literally just got sooo aggressive and went on to say if the dishes dont get done in a few days that is okay. I have no reason to expect#expect her to help with the shared spaces being cleaned. it will get done when it getsdone#there is more but it is just the same level of entitledment#she was talking over me and calling me passive aggressive when I stood up for myself it gave me an anxiety attack#and she knows I have bad anxiety and I guess she saw my hand shaking from anxiety and said so condescendingly that SHE gets anxiety too#like im so ridiculous for having anxiety#I told her we should talk when my other roommate was home and she ignored that and told me it WOULD happen now. it was so disrespectful#idk im so upset also bc I have a really good day with my friend until I came home to her doing that#going to try and write fanfic to distract myself now ugh#if anyone actually read this and wants to voice how insane she is feel free lmao I am not okay rn
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today i have ordered all the needles and syringes and alcohol pads i will need. and tomorrow i will be able to put my money forward for my order of testosterone.... and then its just a matter of waiting. waiting for it to get here and start...
#wyatt says#im going to have to do intramuscular injections aka apparently the ones like flu shots my mommy said#which SUCKS i hate getting shots but its not too bad to where i just wont be able to. and itll be once a week so..#i think ill live#esp since my mom said she would def help w the injection part of it all if i cant do it by myself. which is nice#pretty excited guys. this is huge. so close to s#sorry oops. so close to the beginning of it all... seeing where it takes me...
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i am so deep in my feelings right now, i both sad and mad enough that i cannot sleep
#ive been angry oscillating between angry and sad pretty much the whole day#i had a rare saturday off and i feel like i wasted half of it for my mom and she didnt appreciate it#i wanted to take her to somewhere new for brunch and a cool bookstore and to get our nails donw#and she drove like 30 minutes in the wrong direction and wouldnt listen to me and tried to blame it on me#im not allowed to be sick on my own. she has to be sick too. if i have a headache so does she and worse#if im nauseous in the afternoon she 'threw up' that morning. she'll say its something we ate even if we ate nothing in common#ive broken our in hives that keep popping up and the whole day she was acting as if she was itchy too AND dizzy.#we had to stop multiple times because she was so dizzy. im not saying she was lying but it stopped her from cleaning#she didnt want the original breakfast place near the bookstore and salon and when we got to the second one it was closed#found a third but she didnt want to deal with parking. went to option 4 and she didnt like her food.#she also kept asking me what she was getting instead of just ordering herself. 'what was it that i wanted? yes can you tell her i want xyz'#(and let me just say i have 0 patience left for people who cant do anything themselves. helplessness is a hard hard no for me#we didnt go to the bookstore or the salon and shes like oh okay tomorrow. i told her i had plans and shes like oh you always make plans#with your friends and none with me. Girlfriend. what are we doing right now?#went home to try to clean up our apartment and got overwhelmed when i realized i have to do everything myself because she no help#while she laid down and watched pitch perfect for the 1000th time#im also trying to figure out how to tell an ex friend i dont want them back in my life because theyre so much work#but i dont have room in my life to have that conversation. im also probably going to start looking for a different job soon#i just want my parents gone. my apartment furnished. free time. and a vacation.
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HR and my boss is probably gonna wonder why I never spoke up about one of the chemicals causing me a minor asthma attack and coughing fit and it's because I not only took care of it myself with my inhaler(but still had a persistent cough for the rest of the day) but also I do not speak up for myself and have learned, through the way I was raised*, that I'm going to get yelled at or brushed off more often than acknowledged if I do speak up about these things so I just. Don't. I keep it all to myself and figure out how to fix it myself. Anyway I hope they actually accept my doctors note without any further question so I can go back to work since mom and dad can't and we have no other way to pay for rent :T
#*not really raised but like just experiences ig?#she also asked if i can wear a mask working with these chemicals#but honestly not really? maybe for up to an hour without any sort of break but you can be stuck in those bathrooms for a while on busy days#always using chemicals#i only mentioned one chemical bc i just woke up but also i couldnt even remember its name cuz yknow i just woke up barely 30 mins ago#and a mask isnt going to just fix this problem obviously this hr lady doesnt have asthma or personally knows someone with asthma#anything could trigger it#yeah a mask really did help that one time i cleaned the bathroom myself but also i stood away from the chemical as best i could bc i was#still scared it would flare up my asthma pretty bad like it did when i used it before#the spray i use for the tables is smelly but i work outside anyway so the fresh air and wind really helps to keep it away from my face#(except those times when the wind blew INTO my face lol)#i honestly cant wait to quit tho#all depends on how mom's surgery goes but i think i wanna apply to the library if theyre hiring by time i quit#its not loud or crowded often and i like that#im also considering hot topic or box lunch if theyre hiring#talkies
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my hands FUCKING HURTTTTT
#and my left pinky keeps lockin and it hurts so bad and idk what to dooo#i have genuinely been in constant pain for over a year now#but its not THAT bad i think its like a normal amount of pain like i think if i talked about it to my mom shed be like ok so what#and id be like nothin ig just complainin and then id go to my room and cry#i need to call the doctor i should anyways cause i NEED to be on antidepressants or SOMETHING but i genuinely cant get myself to call#and my mom wont help me so ig whenever i manage to call thats when itll happen im pretty sure im gonna die before then#im so sad and my head hurts and my heart hurts and my HANDS hurt my brain hurts and i see people in the dark and i always feel like im bein#followed n touched and i hear murmurin and random fuckin sounds that make NO sense#I HEAR EGGS BREAKIN!! some kinda fuckin fuzz?? static?? sometimes i hear people SCREAM and it wakes me up like i feel it in my ears#ive been so chill about it though#but theres people in my house and i am scared of them cause i know they want to hurt me and my mom is. makin things worse#shes tryna be nice n chill now i think cause she feels guilty about how bad she upset me but honestly that could be wishful thinkin maybe#she just doesnt care and is just in a good mood.#i been havin violent thoughts n made genuine suicide plans and im watchin myself do all this with detached concern#ill be out anywhere n see shit n be like i wonder if id die i wonder if i could die#im havin a bad time#i feel like i dont even really exist#idk what to do#i feel completely paralyzed
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✨ Vent ✨
#this ones a little more light hearted but still not something i wanna burden my friends with#especially cause its a little silly and i can kinda already hear what theyre gonna say but#my insecurities have really been kicking my ass recently ajshfjd#ive never been super confident in my looks but ive been content for the most part#im like a solid 6/10 on my best days. im average im okay with that#but recently ive just been... idk not hard on myself in regards to my looks but its not positive#kinda like a “im ugly so whats the point” deal#but i cant really help it!! like my dye job is pretty patchy despite how much i love the colors and its starting to fade at the roots#my eyebrows havent been groomed in a while so theyre pretty messy#and god my teeth are just... god i have some missing and now they've started to shift and its so damn noticeable#ive honeslty dropped down from a 6 to a 4 and its fucking with me more than i thought it would#my best friend in the whole world is moving to my state. she'll be 3 hours away from me and I'm terrified to see her#she wants to video call and talk and i feel the biggest relief when she calls for a raincheck despite desperately wanting to see her#all cause i don't want her to see how ugly I've gotten#i hate talking cause the second i open my mouth all i see it this gap in my tooth
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l@imari has a place in my heart fr
#m/f ways? Extremely Bisexual. f/f ways? smirks...#cannot help but project my autism gender/sexuality onto laios due to woke#1. gender is extremely constructed and not directly correlated to personality all the time. though i generally find gnc people more#attractive regardless of gender but it depends. 2. i despise the social expecation of sex and gender and i think no matter my sex assigned#would probably be trans because i dont feel specifically Male but i refuse and reject being defined by my body and social rules regarding i#social rules chafe my assssssssssss i get ittttt pretty feathers cute little dance watever courting is weird#Why do people suppress themselves?their interests? why is fun childish? these are things that play into our gender perception too#i have genuinely come to believe autistic people and other NDs serve just as important a social function as things like social cohesion and#that is not having the same instinct to fit in as is appropriate#because sometimes fitting in isnt appropriate whether youre conscious of it or not i think its just stupid we cant play tuoys#once were too old or its weird#SIGHS. this became more about me than l@imari.#anyways. thats why i like tfem laios i dont think shed even bother thinking about who specifically she likes genderwise shed be distracted#with other stuff whether the Gender the King stuff or a romantic exploit#no matter how much i think on it i cant define my sexuality#i like droopy or unique eye shapes#i like muscles and fat#i like long hair i like larger lips i like gentleness and conscientiousness and openness and it always goes like this lol#i prefer my men feminine and my women masculine but not always#umm oh body hair <3 <3 <3 <3 and tits. not of any particular size but they gotta be good.#i know genitals that look more pleasing to the eye from ones that are less. they arent all just weird and ugly to me or anything but#other than that stuff i dont think i can call myself bi or pan because its not just about personality and gender does matter in ways but#IDK im nonbinary and gay so whatever its no matter... i think i would get a weird sense of euphoria if a nb/gnc lesbian was attracted to m
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#also god bless my friend who pointed out that im moving up and im going to be in a salon soon and will actually be doing something good with#my life vs the friend who did me this way pretending shes still in high school that freaks out and loses all her friends every 6 months#i wish it didnt bother me. and i know in 2 months im going to have brushed it off and move on like i always do when bad shit happens#but for the wound being fresh this shit just fucking sucks i hate it i hate it i hate it#i made a very very very vague post on reddit just asking for advice#and the more popular reply was someone more on my side who basically said i should tell her to go fuck herself pretty much#and the second one was someone who v obviously did not actually read the post who said it was all fluff and basically defended her even#when in my post i am saying i defended myself while still listening to the shit she says#and i fucking hate reddit bc people are so.....quick to be hateful and judge#and i knew to expect people being hateful but god DAMN like you yourself are basically saying theres not enough info (yes there was) and you#still are quicker to assume im in the wrong#meanwhile everyone who knows her is like bitch we told you to not forgive her last time and now look where you are#and i am not a perfect person i have flaws the same way everyone else does. literally everyone has said and done shit they regret#and i have fucked her over before because she lost her fucking mind on a campus manager and an educator and she told me to find my own ride#home because i didnt defend her losing her shit and screaming at everyone and ended up having to write an incident report (so did the other#girls who watched it happen so nOT just me) anyways now she uses that as an excuse for treating me like fucking trash because she finally#found out about the god damn incident report which made it so now anyone can say i said anything and she just believes it#its such a fucking joke to me because like ????? girl if we were in opposite positions you would have filled out the fuckin report too#granted it was a handwritten letter and not a report but it was basically the exact same thing as an incident report#my bad that a year ago i wrote a letter saying i was scared you know where i live and that youre mentally unstable. funny how a year later i#feel the same way all over again! except i dont because im not scared of her anymore shes a fucking theater kid who needs to get a grip#i cant wait to look at my self tag again in 2 years and be like DAMN REMEMBER WHEN THAT HAPPENED#every single person who knows her that isnt friends with her (i am basically refusing to text her friends bc i dont even want to know)#keeps telling me i didnt do anything wrong and ive given her too many chances and she fucks me each time#i just wish she would go get help bro there is something so wrong with her#self
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