#shes a crocodile. and as huge and strong and epic as she is

[grimmjowjaegerjaquez]

when youre trying to live alone out in your field lab but then these two yahoos follow you out there and now they wont leave????

[letterboxd]

Savage Cinema.

From anarchists and adultery to milk baths and massacres, Matthew Turner shares five of the weirdest and wildest highlights of Hollywood’s pre-Code era, as #PreCodeApril comes to a close.

Pre-Code April was directly inspired by Noirvember, a month-long celebration of noir cinema instigated by Marya Gates (Oldfilmsflicker). I did Noirvember for the first time in November 2019, really enjoyed it, and thought it would be great to do the same thing for pre-Code movies. Although I’ve watched most of the classic 1930s films, I realised there were a huge number of pre-Code films I’d never seen (of my Letterboxd list of over 900 Pre-Code films, I have only seen 200).

As a sucker for a bit of wordplay, no matter how tenuous, I picked April partly because it’s six months away from Noirvember and partly because of the shared “pr” sound in April and Pre-Code. I’ve been absolutely delighted by the response—the #PreCodeApril hashtag on Twitter is a daily treasure trove of pre-Code-related joy, but I was genuinely thrilled to see the response on Letterboxd (here is my watchlist for the month). It’s been a real pleasure to see pre-Code movies constantly popping up in my ‘new from friends’ feed. My hope is that it’ll be even bigger next year—and that maybe TCM will want to get involved, the way they do with Noirvember.

Produced between 1929 and 1934, pre-Code cinema refers to films made in a brief period between the silent era, and Hollywood beginning to enforce the Motion Picture Production Code censorship guidelines (mandatory enforcement came in from July 1934). The “Code” in question was popularly known as the Hays Code, after then MPPDA president Will H. Hays. As the depression set in and box office declined, theater owners needed fare that would drive cinema-goers to the movies. It was a wild time to be a scriptwriter; they threw everything at the page, designers added even more, and actors played out the kinds of scenes, from the suggestive to the overt, that would otherwise be banned for decades to come.

The following five films demonstrate some of Hollywood’s craziest pre-Code excesses. They’re still jaw-dropping, even by today’s standards, and notably give female characters an agency that would be later denied as the Christian morals of the Code overruled writers’ kinks.

Madam Satan (1930) Directed by Cecil B. DeMille, written by Elsie Janis, Jeanie Macpherson and Gladys Unger

A critical and commercial flop in 1930, Cecil B. DeMille’s utterly insane musical comedy stars Kay Johnson as a straight-laced wife who plots to win back her unfaithful husband (Reginald Denny) by seducing him at a costume party, disguised as a mysterious devil woman. The location of this party? Oh, nothing too fancy, just on board a giant zeppelin. (“Madam Satan or: How the Film gets Fucking Crazy on the Blimp,” as Ryan reviewed it.)

Madam Satan is not by any stretch of the imagination a good movie (the editing alone is laughably bad), but as a piece of pre-Code craziness, it really has to be seen to be believed. Co-written by a trio of women and set in just three locations, it goes from racy bedroom farce to avant-garde musical to full-on disaster movie after a bolt of lightning hits the blimp.

The film is justly celebrated (in camp classic circles, at least) for the wildly over-the-top costumes paraded in the masquerade ball sequence, but there’s weird outfit joy everywhere you look. Keep an eye out for an enterprising extra who’s come dressed as a set of triplets.

Call Her Savage (1932) Directed by John Francis Dillon, written by Tiffany Thayer and Edwin J. Burke

Adapted from a salacious novel by Tiffany Thayer, Call Her Savage was former silent star Clara Bow’s second-to-last film before her retirement at the age of 28. She plays Texas gal Nasa Springer, who’s always had a “savage” temper she can’t explain. In the space of 88 minutes she goes from wild teenager to jilted newlywed to young mother to prostitute to wealthy society girl to alcoholic before finally (it’s implied) settling down with her Native-American friend after discovering that she’s half-Native-American, something the audience has known all along.

Bow’s performance is frankly astonishing, to the point where you simply can’t believe what you’re seeing from one moment to the next. Sample scenes see her savagely whipping both a snake and her Indian friend, smashing a guitar over a musician’s head and violently wrestling her Great Dane… and that’s all in the first five minutes. She’s also frequently in a state of near undress throughout—one funny scene has her maids chasing her with a dressing gown because they’re afraid she’ll run down the street in her négligée.

The rest of the film includes alcohol, adultery, strong violence, attempted rape, murder, syphilis (not named, but heavily implied) and baby death. It’s a veritable smorgasbord of outrageous content and Bow is pure dynamite throughout. The film is also noted for being one of the first on-screen portrayals of homosexuality, when Nasa visits a gay bar in the Village frequented by “wild poets and anarchists”.

Smarty (1934) Directed by Robert Florey, written by Carl Erickson and F. Hugh Herbert

This deeply problematic sex comedy features pre-Code stars Joan Blondell and Warren William (often nicknamed ‘The King of Pre-Code’) at their absolute filthiest. Blondell plays Vicki, a capricious, happily married wife who gets an obvious kick out of taunting her husband, Tony (William). When he cracks and slaps her at a party, she divorces him and marries her lawyer, Vernon (Edward Everett Horton), whom she also goads into slapping her in a deliberate ploy to win back Tony.

Essentially, Smarty hinges on Vicki liking rough sex and it’s completely blatant about it, ending with her sighing “Hit me again” (the film’s UK title!) as they sink into a clinch on a couch, a rapturous expression on her face. It’s a controversial film because on the surface it looks like it’s condoning domestic violence, but it’s very clearly about Vicki’s openly expressed sexual desires—she wants to be punished and dominated, she just has a rather dodgy way of getting what she wants.

It might be unsophisticated, but in some ways Smarty is remarkably ahead of its time and ripe for rediscovery. To that end, it would make a fascinating double bill with Stephen Shainberg’s Secretary (2002). Oh, and it’s also chock-full of lingerie scenes (like most pre-Code films), if you like that sort of thing.

Massacre (1934) Directed by Alan Crosland, written by Sheridan Gibney, Ralph Block and Robert Gessner

Several pre-Code films (notably those made by Warner Bros) took a no-punches-pulled approach to their depiction of social issues, and star Richard Barthelmess actively sought out such projects. Here he plays Joe Thunderhorse, a Native American who’s become famous on the rodeo circuit. When he returns to his tribe to bury his father, he ends up fighting for their rights, taking on corrupt government officials and religious authorities.

Massacre is fascinating because on the one hand it’s wildly insensitive—Barthelmess and co-star Ann Dvorak are both cast as Native Americans—but on the other, it burns with a righteous fury and does more than any other Hollywood film (before or since) to champion the rights and highlight the injustices dealt out to Native Americans. That fury is encapsulated in a horrifying and rightly upsetting rape scene (it happens off-screen, but the cuts leave you in no doubt) that the film handles with surprising sensitivity.

In addition to being a passionate fight against racism and social injustice, the film also has some genuinely shocking sexual content. Most notably, Joe is seen making love to a rich white woman (Claire Dodd, who’s also in Smarty) who has an obvious sexual fetish, flaunting him in front of her friends and making a shrine in her room with Native-American paraphernalia.

The Sign of the Cross (1932) Directed by Cecil B. DeMille, written by Waldemar Young and Sidney Buchman

Yes, this is Cecil B. DeMille again, but no list of weird and wild pre-Code films would be complete without the jaw-dropping ancient Rome epic, The Sign of the Cross. Adapted from an 1895 play by Wilson Barrett, it stars Frederic March as Marcus Superbus (stop sniggering at the back there), who’s torn between his loyalty to Emperor Nero (Charles Laughton) and his love for a Christian woman (Elissa Landi), while also fending off the advances of the Emperor’s wife, Poppaea (Claudette Colbert).

The film is racy enough in its sexual content alone: highlights include the famous scene of Claudette Colbert taking a nude milk bath and an erotic “lesbian” dance sequence, where Joyzelle Joyner’s “most wicked and talented woman in Rome” does ‘The Dance of the Naked Moon’ at Frederic March’s orgy, trying to tempt Landi’s virtuous Christian, to the obvious arousal of the gathered guests.

However, it’s the climactic gladiatorial-arena sequence that will leave your jaw on the floor. Lasting around twelve minutes, it includes: someone getting eaten by a tiger, a tied-up, naked women being approached by hungry crocodiles, pygmies getting chopped up by female barbarians, elephants stomping on heads, a gorilla approaching a naked woman tied to a stake, a man getting gored by a bull, and gladiators fighting to the death, complete with blood and gory injury detail.

The whole thing is genuinely horrifying, even for 2021. Best of all, DeMille pointedly critiques the audience (ourselves included), by showing a series of reaction shots ranging from intense enjoyment to abject seen-it-all-before boredom.

Matthew Turner (FilmFan1971) is a critic, author, podcaster and lifelong film fanatic. His favorite film is ‘Vertigo’. The films in this article are also listed here: Five of the Pre-Code Era’s Most Outrageous Films.

[kaizokuou-ni-naru]

Some Reasons I Love One Piece

So I set up a poll to ask what I should do for my 4000 follower milestone, and something like 85% of the responses to my poll said you wanted me to do a compilation of stuff I love about One Piece! So hell yeah, get ready for me to talk about pirates for way too long (a sentence that could also serve as an accurate blog description).

Before that though, lemme just say- thank you all! Seriously! When I started this blog I figured I’d be extremely lucky to end up with like a thousand followers, and now I have four times that and it just keeps growing, which just constantly baffles and amazes me. I adore every one of you, and you’re providing me something fun and productive to do in quarantine, and I love you for that.

Anyways! Let’s talk good shit.

Let’s start with Luffy. The whole story starts with him, after all.

I love Luffy, just as a character. He’s one of my favorite protagonists in anything, ever, when ordinarily protagonist characters don’t really appeal to me all that much. I genuinely think he might be my favorite character in One Piece now that I sit down and really think about it. I love how unconventional of a main character he is- he actively shuns the idea of being a hero and is in fact the most chaotic neutral motherfucker on the planet, and yet he’s so friendly and loyal and fun that you straight up can’t not love him both in-universe and out. 

I also love the Strawhats just in general, both as a group and individually. Found family is one of my all-time favorite story tropes, and they do it better than like, the vast majority of stories out there. They’re all so completely unique from each other and play off each other so well and they really do feel like a family. I love how often Oda just shows them fucking around and hanging out. (One of my only gripes with post-timeskip is how much time they spend split apart.) I think it says a lot about them that I struggled so much when someone asked me to rank the Strawhats a few months back and had to rearrange the list like four times. I just!! Love them all!!

One of my favorite things about One Piece is that it’s the story of Luffy’s rise, and that it occurs in a world that’s so solidly scaled and well-developed that all progress he makes actually feels tangible and impactful. Some of my favorite moments in One Piece are the ones where we can see how far he and the crew have come and see other people’s reactions. His reappearance at Sabaody after the timeskip is my favorite scene in the manga, full stop. His entrance at Marineford and all of the Decks of the World cover stories delight me for the same reason.

Speaking of the worldbuilding, god it’s so good? I think one of the greatest potential strengths of a long manga is that its just got so much time to establish and build on so much information, and sometimes that leads to mangaka kind of tying themselves in knots with too much lore and explanation, but Oda just fucking nails it. 

I recently read a conversation during Zou where the Strawhats are talking to Inuarashi, Nekomamushi and the Wano folks about all their mutual acquaintances on the Roger Pirates- Brook asks about Crocus, Franky mentions Tom, etc- and I had a moment where I realized how in pretty much any other series all those connections might seem contrived, but in One Piece it works so well. So much time has been dedicated to establishing all these facts and characters and connections over years and hundreds of chapters that when they do come together, it just feels so satisfying. 

Like, at Twin Cape Crocus mentions he was a ship’s doctor and then mentions Roger as the Strawhats leave, at Thriller Bark we find out he’s Brook’s friend, at Sabaody in conversation with Rayleigh we find out for sure which ship he was a doctor on and that he joined them to look for Brook’s crew- and it all just falls together so nicely. One Piece is maybe the strongest series I’ve ever read in terms of how it establishes its characters and concepts and how they all fit into the world and cross over and connect with each other. The world of One Piece is huge, but it also feels so alive and interconnected, and that’s just wonderful. 

I love how hopeful One Piece is. I was talking to a friend a couple months ago who doesn’t watch it, and she kind of dismissed it as ‘a show where nobody dies.’ Which- setting aside the fact that that’s just not fucking true- my first response to that was, “So?” I think it’s nice that we can all know for pretty much certain that the Strawhats will achieve their dreams in the end. There’ll be a happy ending, and Luffy’s going to be Pirate King, we’ve known that from the start. The fun is in seeing how they get there. 

Aside from a few specific cases, I also really like how Oda does his character writing just in general. The female characters in One Piece generally get a bad rap, largely from people who haven’t watched the show and judge it on the (admittedly exaggerated) artstyle, but fuck if I haven’t seen such a widely varied and developed and flawed female cast writing-wise since- I don’t even know. Oda does a really good job of giving his characters, both male and female, unique and memorable personalities, which is super fucking impressive considering just how many there are. Similarly, I’m impressed by how new characters are introduced without getting repetitive or annoying, and very often those characters are really fantastic. I could talk about all the different One Piece characters I love and why, but we would legitimately be here all day. 

I also love how unlike a lot of long-running series like this, characters don’t just go away when their time in the spotlight is done. In just about any other series, characters like Buggy and Coby and Crocodile would just be gone and never to be heard from again after they’ve served their purpose. Instead you have the stupid clown villain from the second arc becoming a fucking shichibukai several hundred chapters later, and it makes sense in the context of the story! The whole concept of the cover stories works really well towards this aspect of One Piece, letting us see what all these other characters are up to without taking attention off the main story. This fits in with the interconnectedness I mentioned earlier, too. 

And I like how (and I know there are people who will argue this, I have had them in my inbox, but I do not care) One Piece has stayed so strong for so long. I’ve mentioned before that both of my favorite big arcs are pre-timeskip- Alabasta, for the civil war storyline and great supporting cast and villains, and W7/Enies Lobby, for the epic emotional highs and lowers + ANOTHER great supporting cast. But like, I’ve been enjoying the more recent arcs just as much! Honestly, now that I’ve finished Dressrosa, I think it definitely ranks up there among my favorites as well, for how chaotic and fun and high-stakes the whole thing felt when I was binging through it. I’m only a few chapters into Whole Cake Island so far but it seems very promising, and I’m really excited to get to Wano from what I’ve seen of it.

I haven’t even really touched on the art yet, either. I know the artstyle turns some people off of the series, for how kind of cartoony it is sometimes and how different it is from most other series, but honestly I just love it. I wasn’t sure about it at the start but it grew on me very fast. Hell, I have a whole tag (which I should use more) dedicated just to appreciation of pretty panels.

And the action scenes in One Piece are so fun and expressive and creative and almost always at least a little silly just by the nature of Luffy’s powers. I don’t think I’ve ever been bored during a One Piece fight. And the splash pages are frequently just breathtaking. I’m a writing person, not an art person, so I’m bad at putting this kind of thing into words nearly as well, but- yeah. One Piece Art Good. (My friend Narramin also has a really, really good series of posts about how great the visual storytelling in OP is starting here that I highly recommend, if you’re interested.)

Finally, I think my favorite thing about One Piece is that it’s all one story, start to end. I kind of touched on this above with the worldbuilding thing, but you can see what a ridiculous degree of thought and planning Oda has put into his story, and how well everything comes together. It’s the main aspect that got me to give One Piece a try in the first place- I heard how good and thought-out the long term storytelling is, and I just eat that shit up. I don’t think I’ve ever had the level of trust in a creator to handle and end their story satisfyingly that I have in Oda. It’s a good feeling. 

[danwhobrowses]

One Piece Chapter 987: Initial Thoughts

Whoa Baby, this is gonna be big Chapter 987 is back and fans did not wait to translate it early like previous chapters, a colour spread as well telling us that this is a big one! So let’s jump in! Spoilers for c987, Support the Official Release!

So just to talk about the Colour Spread first; Jimbei finally on it! Also there’s some doggos, isn’t the pug like Crocodile’s thing? just a nice blue and angry red and dark blue ones. Also ALL THE FROBIN! Plus, Sanji has a huge number 3 on his shirt, Luffy’s shirt almost looks like the Gomu Gomu no Mi (kinda mix of it and his Dressrosa shirt) and the Polearm he used with Ace and Sabo as a kid! Jimbei’s kimono has dogs as well on it, can’t decipher Usopp’s shirt though ‘Good Usining’? Looks like a Cow-Gorilla though, Usopp beats Kaido confirmed!? Chopper seems to have a word on his shirt too but I can’t translate it. Odd though that Zoro doesn’t have Wado on him for this spread isn’t it? Just Kitetsu and Enma for the spread.

We see as Kaido remembers Oden and being cut, causing his scar to throb. It also seems implied that the Scabbards are using Oden’s Ryou, perhaps an inherited will kinda thing as they successfully pierce Kaido

Raizo though, you’re at the throat you have to follow through!

Kaido falling is the signal as the Samurai arise from the crowd, Robin and Jimbei though are not shown to blow their covers yet

Interesting though that Big Mom appears fine over whether or not Kaido got killed, that or she knows that won’t kill him. 

Ulti though is first to make it to Yamato, and she has a European-style Spiked Ball Mace it seems. The interaction is also interesting, other than Luffy calling Ulti ‘headbutt’ XD, seems like Yamato and Ulti may have gotten along before, thus her confusion about Yamato saying that the time to be Oden has come

Yamato is in full on forsaken mode too, surprised the goons still think that Yamato would be caring for Kaido after what they’ve seen, big ‘I’m not your friend, guy’ energy

As Ulti and Yamato tussle, Big Mom rolls up like a Final Boss to Luffy, giving Carrot and Nami a chance to escape the homies. Though I did consider Sanji and Brook saving them, I am quite happy that the women escaped themselves. Also Big Mom is trying to make this like some epic thing “I came all this way just to kill you”, like yeah we figured, not like you came here for a resort holiday XD

Back to Kaido though and he is legit hurt! Praising the Scabbard who encircle him for their plans, but he also tries to sow doubt. Noting that the pirates will betray them once they realise the odds are against them, I feel like this is a little flat though, especially since WB Commander Izo is like, right there...

Didn’t expect Kin’emon to have a ‘Luffy will be King’ speech but I’m here for it...even if it is an alarming death flag to talk about them dying

Big Mom of course asks the obvious ‘why’d you come’ question, and though Luffy’s ‘I’m gonna beat the lot of yas’ is a totally Luffy answer I did kinda hope he’d mention that part of it is saving Wano, especially so Tama won’t have to starve again. It’s also worth reminding that it was Law’s plan to go for Kaido, Big Mom was a pit stop due to Germa and Where Is My Baeju!?

I don’t think I can get enough of Queen’s shocked face XD though it does make me wonder what King, Queen and Jack will do for this raid. Regardless, the allies sprawl in by the thousands; Kid and Killer are still together, Zoro looks disappointed in the Gifters’ strength, interesting though is the panel underneath

That looks like Hawkins with Law doesn’t it? He only bought 3 of his crew with him and that looks like none of them (the trio are missing in general for this chapter), I would be here for Hawkins being on-side as you already know, so I hope it is him

The one that made me lean out of my seat, Marco and Perospero working together!? I wonder what led to that agreement, maybe something bigger than both of them is making its way to Wano too, or maybe Perospero just really doesn’t wanna work with Kaido

Small note but they showed that Giant Sword again outside of Onigashima, I wonder if it has a part to play

Kaido’s hurt but now he’s dangerous, accepting the challenge as he turns into his dragon form. But Luffy looks like he has to face down Big Mom first, leaving the first round of Kaido to the Scabbards

What a shot though, Dragon Kaido and the Scabbards in the snow and pale moonlight

And the Pale Moonlight is the focus, because all the minks are here and they can see it clearly, Su Long is coming!

now that was a big chapter, tons of juicy stuff to dissect I mean we didn’t even get to Chopper/Usopp and Shinobu/Momo stuff yet! Not to mention that we still don’t have accounts for Sanji, Brook and Franky, Caribou and that shaded person Robin and Jimbei were near. The two also haven’t made their move, but neither has Kaido’s commanders, BM’s commanders seem to have not been carried in by Perospero, Hiyori hasn’t pulled up nor has Speed or Onimaru like I’d hoped, Drake is still missing, Who’s Who didn’t make it to Yamato before Ulti. Like sweet jesus is there so much still to unravel! The heat is very much on, and though I kinda hope that BM and Luffy can reach an agreement too, it seems that Kaido is the final boss right now, but the scales can so easily change. Have to keep a level head about it though, Su Long doesn’t last forever and you can wear yourself dead, it’ll be interesting to see Su Long Inu and Neko but remember these are still Yonko, it’s still a stacked deck and they’re against Luffy and co’s favour. But it is a strong start for the raid.

However, still did not cry. The editor must be weak :P

[isitgintimeyet]

The Ties That Bind

This is my first attempt at fiction, so posting nervously... thanks to @mo-nighean-rouge for the beta.

Trying to start on a new relationship isn’t easy, specially when you’re dealing with the baggage for previous ones. You might look for simple, but there’s always complications. It’s how you handle them that counts

Chapter 1: A Summer Wedding

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. -Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

Now, whilst not exactly in possession of ‘a good fortune,’ Jamie Fraser certainly had reached (at the age of thirty two) a point in his life where he was what people refer to as comfortable - good job as Chief Financial Officer in the family’s long established distillery business, his own home in a smart but not too elite suburb of Glasgow, new car every three years, with enough spare cash to enjoy both summer sun and winter skiing holidays.

Not that he was complacent.  He worked hard and enjoyed the benefits. It was just… not as satisfying as it once had been.

******

Jamie woke at his usual time, even though it was Saturday morning and a three day bank holiday weekend stretched out in front of him. He showered quickly, wrapped the towel neatly round his torso and made his way to the kitchen, picking up the newspaper from the front door en route.

Armed with a cafetière of strong coffee, orange juice, a pen and his newspaper, Jamie made his way into the conservatory that looked onto his back garden. Already, at 8 am, the sunshine streamed into the room, a promising start for Rupert and Fiona’s wedding day. He sank down into his favourite chair, old and well-worn, sipped his coffee and turned to the crossword, enjoying a few minutes of peace and quiet before the frantic activities of the day.

The clatter of the letterbox disturbed the contemplation of 13 across (River, run - 4 letters). Depositing his coffee cup in the dishwasher, Jamie picked up the post, quickly sorting through the pile- broadband deals and ‘epic’ coach holidays straight into recycling, brown envelopes set aside for perusal later and one thick, cream envelope opened immediately.

Mr. and Mrs. Robert Duthie request the pleasure of your company at the wedding of their daughter Kirsty Ann to Mr. Angus Mackenzie...

Another raucous stag weekend beforehand no doubt. Jamie chuckled, thinking of the five (five, really?!) weddings he had been to in the last eighteen months. With most of his close friends settled, that left, well, him in the minority, unattached, unhindered, not tied down, fancy free, uninvolved… on his own. Realistically, Jamie knew he could ‘get a girlfriend,’ that wasn’t the problem. Wanting to keep said girlfriend, now that tended to be the issue.

But I’m no thinking on that today, he told himself. Jes’ focus on the job at hand and get a move on afore Jenny starts mitherin’ to see where I am.  

And with that, he headed upstairs, mentally preparing for the duties expected of him that afternoon.

******

From his vantage point at the front of the church, Jamie had a good view of the wedding guests.  All the usual suspects of course, his friends scrubbed up nicely, all wearing their dress kilts, their wives and girlfriends sporting a complicated array of hats and, what did Jenny call the wee, poofy ones? Aye, fascinators that was it. The only fascinating thing about them, Jamie mused, was why the hell anyone would want to wear some of them in the first place.

Jamie turned his attention to Rupert, who was standing next to him. The pale green of Rupert’s face matched nicely with the floral arrangements strewn around the church.  Jamie noticed he was sweating profusely.

“Dinna fash,” he said, trying to be comforting. “Ye ken she’ll turn up. ‘S’all part of the ritual, turning up late.”

Rupert gave a hesitant grin. “Aye, but what if she changed her mind? What if she’s driving ‘round now thinking of the quickest way tae the airport? I dinna ken…”

Jamie interrupted. “Now why would she do that? She kens exactly what she’s getting into. Remember she was the one who cleaned you up after the projectile vomiting incident of 2016. She kens not tae talk tae ye fer twelve hours after a Scottish rugby defeat, she puts up wi’ yer snorin’ and fartin’ in bed, and she knows when ye say ye’re off tae the gym, you’re really headin’ out fer coffee and doughnuts. Nah, she’ll be here.”

Rupert smiled. “Aye, reckon ye’re right. I got meself a good one. I canna tell ye what she means tae me. What would I do wi’out her?”

And as the organ started up the opening bars of Trumpet Voluntary, Jamie watched Rupert discretely wipe his eyes and move to take his place at the altar.

******

Several hours and several whiskies later, Jamie felt himself start to relax. The reception was now in full swing, the hotel function room full of wedding guests becoming noisier as the alcohol flowed. In the corner he could see the DJ setting up for the evening disco. He wandered from group to group, accepting praise for his best man speech.

“Och, I never kent it was Rupert who painted the neighbours’ dog that time...”

“Weel, now I know how he got that crescent scar on his hand...”

“Good job, Jamie. I guess it must be yer turn soon. Are you no’ courting jes’ now?”

Jamie smiled and shook his head, politely extricating himself from the group of Rupert’s elderly relatives. He started to cross to his sister Jenny who was sitting, no doubt with her shoes already off, a bowl of trifle balanced on her seven month pregnant belly. Beside her, wee Jamie, red faced and sweating, gulped at his lemonade. Jamie’s heart swelled with pride at the sight of his wee nephew and namesake. He thought that…

“Hello there. Good to see you. Nice speech you did there”

Jamie turned slightly to the woman who had just spoken. “Geneva! How are ye doin’? Enjoyin’ yerself? Ye’re looking well.”  

Not just idle pleasantries, Jamie thought she was looking well, not to say glamorous.  Geneva had always managed to maintain a well-groomed air, her sleek black hair never out of place, even when throwing the television remote control at his head, never breaking into a sweat even as she paced frantically round his living room listing some of his many apparent shortcomings.

“Yes, well, it’s nice to have something to dress up for. And you, you’re looking, er, well too. That kilt always suited you.” Her hand brushed the tartan fabric, so lightly that Jamie wasn’t sure whether he had imagined it.

“Aye, thanks. So, er, well…so, how long has it been since I’ve seen ye?”

“Seven months,” Geneva replied, not missing a beat. “Seven months since you, er, that is, we broke up.”

Jamie felt his ears start to flush at the memory.  “Geneva, I…”

“No, it’s fine. For the best. We did have some good times though. Remember that huge slide at the water park?”

“Oh aye,” Jamie grinned at the memory. “That was such a good day. Apart from the wee bit of nausea on…”

“...The lazy river ride,” Geneva laughed.

“Well…” Jamie hesitated as he felt a sharp tug on the sleeve of his jacket. He looked down to see his nephew smiling up at him.  

“Unca,” his nephew began, still pulling at his sleeve. “Unca, I need pee, now.”

Jamie shrugged apologetically at Geneva. “Can yer Da not take ye?”

“Nah, Unca, Mam says ye do it. Do it now!”

Wee Jamie’s hand snaked into his uncle’s large hand as he forcibly pulled Jamie out of the function room and into the hallway beyond.  

As soon as Jamie was through the door, another hand tightly grabbed his elbow and pulled him into the wooden panelling. For all that she was tiny and seven months pregnant, Jamie knew that Jenny was a veritable force of nature, and from the look on her face, she was gearing up to give him a piece of her mind.  

Her face softened briefly as she looked down at Wee Jamie, still holding his uncle’s hand.  “Thank ye, mo bhailach beag, now go tae yer Da. He’s right over there. And walk, don’t run.”  She called after her over excited son.

“I dare say Wee Jamie will be keeping ye up tonight. He’s that excited…” Jamie started.

Jenny stared at him. “And what do ye think ye were doin’ in there? Just now?”

“In celebrity circles, do they no’ call it ‘working the room’?” Jamie tried, but Jenny was not in the mood for levity.

“You ken fine well what I mean, bràthair. I have eyes, I could see ye laughin’ and jokin’ with Geneva. And she lookin’ at ye like ye were a tall glass of water in the desert. Ye’re a catch and she means to reel ye in again.”

Jamie shook his head. “Nah, ’twas just being friendly. We’ve no’ seen each other fer seven months, since we broke up.”

“And remember, there was a reason YOU broke up with her,” said Jenny, jabbing her finger into his chest. “What was it ye told me, about the clinginess, the snobbishness, the, and I quote ye, the inane drivel that comes out of her mouth?”

“Perhaps I was a bit harsh in my opinions, Jenny, she’s no’ a bad lass really.”

“Aye, and a crocodile’s no’ a mean spirited killing machine, either. I warn ye, Jamie Fraser, dinna go down that road again. Remember ye had reasons to break it off with Geneva.”

“But did I?” Jamie looked directly at Jenny. “Did I really? Or did I no’ give it a chance?  Did I just run when the first little thing pissed me off? Is that what I do? Was she just frustrated with me, no’ trying to make it work?” Jamie sighed. “Jenny, look around, look at all our friends, look at ye and Ian. Ye’re all complete. Ye’ve all found yer other halves. And I havena … Or what if I have, and I just havena recognised it.”

Jenny reached up to stroke Jamie’s cheek gently. “Believe me, ye’d recognise it.” she said softly. “It’s out there fer ye. Ye just need tae find it.”

Jamie sniffed and kissed his sister’s cheek. “And on that note, I think it’s time fer a piss, meself”.

**************

Claire Beauchamp certainly appreciated the sentiment behind the birthday gift from her closest friend, Geillis - a relaxing night away at a hotel and spa, leisurely dinner, couple of drinks in the hotel bar followed by a day of pampering treatments seemed ideal. Claire had, as usual, been working far too hard at the hospital and, in Geillis’s opinion, Claire’s ‘me-time’ was in seriously short supply.

On paper, the hotel looked great. The spa facilities were excellent and Claire could not remember the last time she had tasted such wonderful food. Now, sitting in a leather chair in the traditionally styled hotel bar with Geillis, sampling some of the hotel’s wide range of whiskies, the downside was clearly apparent - the wedding that the hotel was hosting.

The plan had been to spend the evening in the bar, watching the flames in the huge stone fireplace, the only noises a calming murmur of voices and the tinkle of drinks being poured.  The reality was that the overspill from the nuptial celebrations resulted in numerous male guests taking root at the bar recounting, in loud voices, tales of rugby hangovers from hell, Calcutta Cup matches through the ages or the questionable songs wedding DJs seem to play (“C’mon, man, gi’e us a wee bit of Dexy’s Midnight Runners, no this disco shite!”).

Geillis touched Claire’s arm to attract her attention.

“Claire, ye have tae admit, there is something about a man in a kilt. Is that no’ one of yer reasons for staying up here even when Frank moved back tae England?” She nodded her head in the direction of the group of kilted men propping the bar up and laughed. “And what better reason could there be? Best way tae get over a man is tae get under a new one, ye ken.”

Claire looked around the bar and laughed. “Well, G, about the kilt situation, I’m not convinced in all cases, but…” Through the door into the foyer, her eye was caught by the rather striking rear view of a tall, broad, red haired Viking stooping down to kiss the cheek of a petite brunette “...there are certain attractions to it, I dare say. About the Frank situation, I’m over him, just not sure I’m ready for a new relationship yet.”

“Who mentioned a relationship?” Geillis winked. “No’ me…just a wee bit o’ fun. And speakin’ o’ fun, I’ll be getting us two more whiskies, then.” Geillis rose and headed for the bar, firmly wedging herself between two of the burliest men there.  

Claire smiled and shook her head at her friend. She looked back to where that Viking had been standing but he was gone.

For the rest of their time in the bar, Claire kept a surreptitious look out for ‘her’ Viking . She chose not to mention it to Geillis - much as she loved her, Geillis would have boldly dragged Claire straight into the wedding party making her walk past every guest until she found him.  Geillis had many endearing qualities, but discretion was not one of them.

**************

It was reaching that time of the night. The more elderly guests and the children had already retired to their beds (Wee Jamie included, protesting loudly all the way), and the alcohol imbibed by the remaining guests ensured that everything was lit by that rosy glow of sentimentality. Rupert and his bride stood together in the middle of the dance floor, swaying gently to the music.

“And now,” the DJ’s muffled announcement came through the speakers. “all you lovers out there, it’s time for the last song, so come and join Rupert and Fiona on the dance floor with ‘I Will Always Love You.’”

As the opening bars of the Whitney Houston rendition sounded, Jamie became aware of Geneva approaching. She held out her hand to him. “Come on Jamie, for old time’s sake, yes?”

Jamie took her hand and together they walked to the dance floor. As they started moving in time to the music, Jamie could feel Geneva’s hands on his shoulders, her fingers lightly stroking his neck, her chest pressed tightly against him, her hair tickling his nose as he breathed. God, she smelt lovely. He closed his eyes and thought about his conversation with Jenny. Perhaps he had been a wee bit hasty seven months ago… perhaps he needed to put more work into a relationship… perhaps he should try again with Geneva. He wrapped his arms around her, his hands resting at the base of her spine, pulling her closer still.

The music died away and the harsh overhead lights switched on, abruptly ending the cosy intimacy of the wedding party. Laughing and shouting (dubious) words of encouragement, everyone followed Rupert and Fiona out to the grand staircase, sending them on their way to the bridal suite.

**************

Claire heard the whoops and shouts from inside the now peaceful bar.  Once they had died down, she stood up. “I think that's our cue for bed, need to get our money’s worth in the spa tomorrow.”

Together, Claire and Geillis headed up the grand staircase to their rooms.

**************

Geneva stood in front of Jamie in the foyer. Tentatively, she took a step towards him tilted her head up to his, lightly running her tongue over her lips. “I guess you’re staying here tonight, aren’t you?”

Jamie nodded.

“I wasn’t planning to,” she continued. “But I could be persuaded…”

“Best not, lass. We’ve both had too much tae drink tae be making wise choices. I still have yer mobile number.  I’ll give ye a call.”

Wrinkling her nose up in mock annoyance, Geneva pulled his head down to hers. Jamie closed his eyes as Geneva pressed her lips to his, her tongue gently sliding into his mouth.  As she lengthened the kiss, moaning slightly, Jamie opened one eye.

Over Geneva’s shoulder he caught a glimpse of a woman ascending the stairs. Wild brown curls cascaded over her shoulders and onto her back. Her long, shapely legs, clad in blue jeans, looked amazing and the way her hips rolled with each step seemed to ignite a spark within him. He broke away from the kiss as the vision disappeared from view.

[twistednuns]

September 2020

Your fears are ebbing, your confidence is rising, and proof that I exist can now be felt in your touch by loved ones, found in your smile by friends, and seen in your countenance by strangers. Everything, for you, will now begin getting easier, happier, and zippier. / The Universe (from Mike Dooley's Notes from the Universe newsletter, September 3)

Time of the Season

Coming home. Solitude. Lots of Sonnentor Gute Laune tea.

Fixing a toaster. I love how easy it is to disassemble old electronic devices.

Full moon magic. Manifesting. Perhaps the time has come - maybe I'm finally going insane. But I keep receiving these messages (or rather have very strong urges and feelings) at the moment. I felt super out of place, out of touch and out of luck these last few weeks, like something was wrong with me for being different, thinking differently. I just couldn't deal with people's energies anymore (hectic, stressful, close-minded, inflexible, conservative, rule-abiding). But something tells me I'm on the right path when I stick to what is good for me. All signs are pointing the way. I'm so curious for the things to come.

Vivid dreams about family issues, my brother dying in an accident, consoling my mum, browsing through an imaginary grandma's treasures in her attic apartment.

Strictly speaking this is not a thing I love because I hate wearing face masks and I miss wearing lipstick so goddamn much but I have found silk to be the perfect material. Super smooth, soft, breathable and light.

Advancement in my self-love journey. Listening to my body. Trying to give it exactly what it needs. I don't know what happened but there has been such a profound change in the way I treat myself and the worthiness I suddenly feel. I'm much more able to let go of situations and people that are harmful to my mental well-being. I am enough.

Christina's Matcha Mornings podcast. It's so interesting to see the direction she has taken. I met her in Vienna ten years ago after reading her LiveJournal for years. My inspiration.

How to be more alive in the moment.

Random bit of trivia: there is not a single subway station in Munich that includes the letter Ä. I'm a collector of weird facts.

The Vintage Books edition of Patti Smith's Year of the Monkey. I love the grey, cream, the black and white photograph. The rough cut. Also: learning about Miss Christine and Girls Together Outrageously. I ordered a few of Patti's books the other day because I'm quite interested in her art - photography, visual art, poetry.

Making a list of my artistic heroines. So far Patti Smith, Marina Abramovich, Siri Hustvedt, Nina Hagen, Louise Bourgeois and Donna Tartt are on it. And Ramapriya, a former yoga teacher.

Magic Eye holo images. I was obsessed as a child and it's just as fascinating to me again now.

Manifesting male company. The conversations are nice so far, let's see where these lead.

Popping bubble wrap.

Going on a long Sunday walk. Sunshine. Smelling wild roses on the way. Eating a whole wheat croissant in front of the churchyard.

Finding practical solutions. Decluttering.

Ayurvedic rituals.

Drinking coffee in the morning, especially on days I can stay at home. What a productivity high!

Waking up crazy early on a Saturday. Reading my current favourite, a Leigh Bardugo fantasy trilogy. Breakfast with fresh raspberries and coffee from my friend's roastery. With barista soy milk foam. Getting a hot water bottle. Going back to bed, reading some more. My new Saturday routine: cleaning, making crisp bread. Doing the laundry.

Listening to old Radiohead songs. In Rainbows is my favourite album. OK Computer a close second.

A sudden desire to move. Yoga, blackroll, stretching, dancing. So nice. It's quite rare that my body actually wants to be moved and used because usually I have issues with low energy or an aching joint. The other day I took a walk and came across an ad for Kundalini yoga in my neighbourhood. Unfortunately the couple who gave the class have since moved away but Sarah gave me some recommendations for other Kundalini classes nearby. I have to try it!

The beautiful Sunday morning sunset.

An obsession with an O.P.I nail polish with the worst name ever. A very soft, pale pink. Currently I won't accept anything else on my fingernails.

Heighted awareness. A better connection to my needs and desires. Figuring it all out. A miraculous change in my eating behaviour. I just can't seem to overeat anymore.

Sister Shanti.

A warm breakfast. Herbal tea, miso soup with furikake, dashi, roasted sesame and a sheet of nori. Ayurvedic porridge with soy yoghurt, blueberries and my usual mix of nuts, cacao nibs, hemp and flax seeds. Bircher muesli. Coffee with barista style soy milk.

Creativity connected to the moon cycle.

Visiting my mum. Driving out to her workplace for the first time in years. Taking home lots of crystals. Singing along to old songs on the radio. Her outrageously delicious cookies with nuts, chocolate and apricot jam. Talking about the important stuff. Connecting. Spending hours in the woods on a mushroom forage. Having dumplings with creamy mushroom sauce for lunch on Sunday. Getting to now Martin's grandchildren. They took a liking to me. I was their witch and had to come up with new magic spells all the time. I would summon mushrooms (or have them appear on someone's bum) and turn the boys into crocodiles or broccoli.

There's a new Fleet Foxes album!

A very nice and pretty comprehensive autumn movie list. It inspired me to make my own.

to have pull with - Have a means of gaining advantage with, have influence on, as in She had pull with several of the board members. [Colloquial; late 1800s]

Making my favourite vegan Lebkuchen with lots of nuts, dark chocolate and marzipan. They're huge so eating one of them is already very satisfying.

Reconnecting with Christina. Sending each other voice messages on Instagram. Talking about personal growth, our internet presence from ten years ago, her MatchaMornings website and so much more. We might even meet next time she's in Munich!

Stealing a piece of stale bread from Frank's oven. Eating with with a dollop of delicious soured butter.

I kinda like how we're forming a new tradition. Visiting Frank after school, waiting for him to finish work, cooking something, watching a movie or an episode of a TV series (we just got started with the new season of Fargo).

Doing a little research on the lyrics to my favourite Epic Rap Battle of History (Dr. Seuss vs. William Shakespeare). We had suspected that part of it was written in sonnet style but unfortunately we couldn't prove our theory.

Becky giving my compliments for how cute my face looks when I'm wearing my foxy hat. I actually found another hat in the same style online. I'm going to check that website every day from now on because I know that there are hats with robins and squirrels out there and someone will put them up for sale sooner or later.

Walking home from the hairdressers. Quickly avoiding bumping into a long-haired dude walking towards me. He imitated my swift move and smiled at me. I giggled and somehow we had a tiny connection, a fraction of a moment together.

[afriendlyirin]

7 and 11!

7. Is there anything you used to like but can’t stand now?

“Can’t stand” is a strong term, but I definitely mellowed on Homestuck in its final years. The endless left-field twists and “everybody’s dead LOL J/K” got tiring after a while.

I guess something similar can be said for my experience with The Legend of Zelda. I grew up on the Game Boy games, which were pretty good, and greatly enjoyed the dark stories of Ocarina of Time, Majora’s Mask, and The Wind Waker. But then the writer left and everything since has taken an abrupt left turn into zanyville and generic fantasy cliche, which disappoints me. I haven’t seen Breath of the Wild yet, though, maybe it’s better?

Edit: Oh, Fallen London. I liked it back when it was one self-contained thing and not a cosmological mystery epic spread across a dozen different games and premium content storylines that you have to constantly cross-reference to have any idea of what’s going on. What little I can comprehend seems kinda lackluster. It seems like the age-old problem of writers providing good mystery and atmosphere and then discovering they can’t deliver when it comes to resolution. 

11. Is there an unpopular character you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?

Princess Bubblegum (Adventure Time). I am so sick of all the fic and theories about how she’s secretly super evil and is going to be the ultimate villain of the show. I actually find her really fascinating as an example of alien, non-human morality and sensibilities. She’s obviously trying, even if she fails a lot of the time. Fandom may have mellowed on her now that she’s gotten a redemption arc, though, I haven’t checked recently.

Alphys (Undertale) for pretty much the same reasons. Everything about her was super relatable and it is a little disturbing to see how much everyone thinks she’s an irredeemable monster crying crocodile tears. People sure are bad at reading characters with mental illness and sure are quick to judge female characters, aren’t they.

Aranea Serket (Homestuck). You may notice a theme here. She wasn’t the greatest person but at least she tried, unlike all those other idiots. I particularly liked that she was the only character in the entire work who actively tried to screw destiny instead of capitulating to fate.

Gina Linetti (Brooklyn Nine Nine). Don’t think I don’t see y’all lapping up comedic sociopaths doing truly awful stuff when they’re men, but the moment the archetype gets applied to a woman suddenly everyone has to take it totally seriously and realistically. No. She’s hilarious and, frankly, nicer than a lot of other comedic sociopaths who do cross the line for me.

Maha Sonorie (Unsounded). I couldn’t even be surprised when people decided she was evil before she’d even shown up, when all we had to go off on her was the ravings of a zealot spewing hateful propaganda. Can we judge powerful women based on what they actually do instead of deciding they’re evil from day 1 and willfully misreading every single thing they do to conform to that interpretation, please. I think she’s a very cool and nuanced depiction of a leader under the stress of inheriting a huge mess and trying to make her own solution to the problem even when it makes her unpopular, and I’m curious to see her full plan play out. Can’t be any more evil than Kima “Let’s Nuke ‘Em” Bell’s.

I want to also include Rose Quartz (Steven Universe), but the season 5 twists have... changed things. I’ll just say I really liked the old Rose, for the reasons mentioned in that post.

Combo breaker: Ganondorf (The Legend of Zelda), specifically Ganondorf as a villain. I’ve talked about this before. Practically everyone seems to portray him as sympathetic, misguided, or even a woobie, but I prefer the terrifying, remorseless tyrant he was in Ocarina of Time. People are quick to declare him as stale and overused in canon, but I disagree; it’s more that canon refuses to use him in interesting ways. I still think he has potential for interesting villain roles: he is actually an extremely intelligent and patient guy while still being incredibly petty and narrow-minded, which I think can lead to interesting setups, especially if you go with the “this has been going on for centuries and he remembers everything” interpretation.

I think I could theoretically roll with turns-good Ganondorf – anything can be done well – but I haven’t yet seen anything that convincingly bridges the gap from his canon incarnation. Everyone seems to start at the assumption that he would eventually get tired of fighting and no, guys, sorry, that’s super OOC. He is a petty dick. Embrace his dickishness!

Some fandoms/characters may have slipped my mind, feel free to follow up with specifics.

[ecotone99]

[HM] Bluntjob, The Epic story of a Giant Joint and Blunt, faced with saving mankind from extinction!

Bluntjob

Narrated By Robot Batman

One day, 1000 years in the future, mankind was on the brink of collapse. But there were 2 guys who just didn’t give a fuck about the apocalypse, and they weren’t even guys at all. One of them, named Blunt, smoked 4000 blunts in one sitting, He was recognized by the inter dimensional entities for being a hard motherfucker, so they turned him into a human-blunt hybrid with super powers. The other one, Fatass Joint, has a tragic back story. When he was 8 years old, his mad scientist parents were entranced by their experiments. They lost sight of the little things that mattered, and only wanted results. They injected their son with refined crocodile vomit, 200 joints, and enough steroids to send you to the gulag for life. He was transformed into a fatass joint with human appendages, and he was strong as fuck. Together, Blunt and Joint will work tirelessly to save mankind from complete extinction. And soon, they would be facing their most menacing enemy yet.

Light me up, and blow me up your ass

It was a shitty day on the slowly sinking apartment complex. They were in the middle of god knows where, but it was the tallest building within 200 miles. They were with the last 50 humans on the planet. And if they didn’t get their shit together soon, there would be no one. “Hey Blunt, I just want to let you know, that if we die, and you die first, I’m definitely smoking you.” Joint joked. “Hahaha, well we both know that if we died, you’d be the first to go.” Blunt laughed and started geeking out which made Joint laugh until he threw up. The only thing he ate all day was the entire last jar of spicy pickles. 90% of the world was covered in water at this point. And not to mention the giant sea monsters that mutated from all of the pollutants that leaked into the water after everything flooded. But as fate would have it, they were close to the last 10%. The only landmass left on the planet. Perhaps something was out there rooting humanity on. Some of the humans that were left with B&J were the baddest of the bad. Many of them went through hell to get to this point. Making unfathomable sacrifices, decisions you couldn’t even comprehend, and through all of it they stood up to the universe and fought back. Many of them could be a warrior, a doctor, and engineer, all in one, whatever needed to be done, they had to be able to do it. Chuck Norris was one of the leaders of these OP Monkeys and he and a small group of survivors approached the 2 anomalies. Chuck spit on the ground to assert his dominance amongst the other monkeys, and walked towards B&J, this was serious. “You assholes have been getting high for 6 hours now! Can we for fucking 2 seconds talk about how we’re all about to die! We have less then 24 hours before this building sinks and we all become mutant fish food!” “Yoo Joint, this sounds pretty serious man. I mean we’re made out of paper and weed, you know. Ehh, I guess realistically we would be fine but these guys definitely would die.” “I think we should smoke on it.” Joint rolled another joint and lit it up. “You 2 are the fucking worst super heroes. If I had powers, we would have been off of this building and safe! We would be fucking like we were the last people on earth! Oh wait, we are!” Chuck was angry, mainly because nobody had the privacy to jerk off and it had been a few weeks. Another survivor, Karen (generally disliked, she’s anti-vax) approached the 2 heroes coughing and fell to the ground, she was blistering everywhere. Chuck took one look at her and yelled “Nooo! Damn you Karen, your anti-vax ways have killed us all!” She had contracted the horrible manmade disease, mega pig gonorrhea. It was lab formulated along with its cure after a strong government had taken over the entire world, they oppressed the people to horrible ends. Create a problem, sell the solution. If you couldn’t pay the $1000 for the cure, you were as good as dead. At the same time this was going on, a lot of secrets were being exposed within the government itself, including the secret love child of a high ranking government official, Also at the same time, a secret plan was taking place, they were freezing people to one day awaken when mankind needed them the most. Chuck Norris was included in this project. Why was Karen included in this band of survivors? She was the secret love child, frozen away never to be seen for possibly thousands of years. It was the best way to get rid of her for good, a 30 year old anti-vaxxer soccer mom fated to save humanity from extinction, all because of the corruption of one man. “Blunt, what are we going to do!? This is one of the worst diseases mankind has ever faced!” “Well Joint, im gonna have to be square with you. I kept this a secret until now, because I didn’t think we would ever need it. But my smoke can be used to heal diseases. There is only one catch, you have to blow the smoke up their ass.” Joint went pale. “Are-Are you sure that’s the only way bro?” “Yes I’m sure, I know this doesn’t sound pleasing to you, but if you think about it, I’m technically the one who has to be in their assholes, so I’m suffering just as much as you are. I wont think any less of you Joint.” Blunt threw a lighter to Joint. “This has to be done Joint, it’s the only way!” Joint lit the top of blunt and took a huge rip from his convenient smoke hole. He went to chuck, because he was closest, and blew the smoke right up his butthole. Chuck coughed a few times and stood up. Luckily he was way too fried to figure out what happened. But Blunt started hysterically laughing, chuck looked down and realized he had no pants on and got really insecure. “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?” He yelled for pretty much no reason. Blunt started walking around the room and people started getting up. Joint realizing he had been tricked, started gagging and coughing, toilet paper was not a commodity that they had. “Damn Joint, the apocalypse never gets old when I’m with your dumb ass!” Blunt said with tears rolling down his eyes from the hysterical laughter he couldn’t seem to stop.

Out of the Butt, Into the Fuck

After another smoke sesh, everyone got hard to work on a solution. Nobody knew exactly what to do, but they all knew that when they did know, they would be sure what to do. “I really hate to be a buzzkill Joint, but we don’t have any weed left and I’m getting tired of smoking myself. If we can find land somewhere we can grow all the weed that we want to! Think about it man, we’re sitting roaches here.” Joint took a second to think about it, and stood up with a determined look. “I know what we have to do.” On the roof of the apartment, B&J gathered everyone together, and told them the big plan. Some of them had their doubts, but if it didn’t work they would die anyways. They waited for hours, for the sun to start setting, when the sea monsters were the hungriest. The sky was a beautiful shade of purple, pink, orange, even wisps of gold. Nobody said a single word the entire time, they waited anxiously for the time to come. If they failed, so would the human race. The sun had just hit the horizon, and it was time to put the plan in to action. The survivors started a massive fire capable of burning for days. Joint took his place by the raging fire. When the time would come, he would light his tip, and jump into a sea monster blowhole. The only thing they needed was bait, but naturally Chuck Norris stepped up to the plate. They tied him up on a rope and threw him into the water. “Please keep an eye out, I don’t feel like dying to a fish.” There was nothing for him to worry about, Blunt was watching the water closely, and he has special eyes. They waited for hours, the building was probably minutes from sinking completely, and everyone for sure thought that they were fucked. But just then, Blunt saw 2 huge red eyes start to come up from the depths! “Cmon big daddy! Get ready mothafuckas here it comes!” Blunt was psyched to finally get some action! The beast was so massive that you could see it’s eyes from 200 feet deep. Within 20 seconds, the creature was all the way up to the surface! In that second, Joint lit his tip, Karen let out a mighty sneeze, chuck looked down and clenched his ass cheeks so hard that he pulled a muscle, and blunt started pulling chuck back from the beast. The giant orca whale was covered in black and white sparkling scales and each scale was the size of the apartment complex they were stuck on. The orca was a foot away from chucks body, when joint jumped straight into the whales blowhole! Joints super strength stopped the momentum of the giant whale, and even caused a giant shockwave, shaking the building! This was the first penetration moment for the whale and it was confused. It stopped attacking chuck, took a huge rip of joint and got so high that it became chill. It was instantly fried because joints body is 99.99% thc. Blunt pulled chuck up and chuck was screaming the entire time. “Stop screaming you’re fine man, hit this shit and relax.” “Fuck you Blunt I was inches away from getting eaten by a mutant demon whale!” “But you didn’t so why are you so mad? Come on man, let’s get everyone on the whale and find somewhere to live, everything’s gonna be alright.” Everyone got on top of the giant whale and even though they had no idea where to go, or what to do, they had fate on their side. The whale got caught in a big current that was taking them straight to land.

Finally, I can jerk off

At the same time that B&J and the survivors were floating towards land, something bigger was taking place. That strongest threat I mentioned, it was pure evil. And they were headed straight towards it. His name is Xan The Man. His backstory, is even sadder then joints, it’s the worst fate for a human. Loneliness. His father was a total incel twat. He only looked at women as objects for men to use, and treated Xan (once known as Greg.) and his mother like they were below human. His mother was strong though, and one day she saved up enough money to run away! She took Greg and ran away across the world. But their luck would not hold up. His mom caught Type 2 Mega Pig Gonorrhea. The 2nd version that the World Government released. She underestimated the power of the type 2, Her strength was her downfall. Greg was broken, he was alone, he had barely any money, no place to live, nothing to live for. He got a part time job and spent most of his money on food and xanax. He was only 16 but he had to grow up with nobody there for him. He finally got sick of living that way, and he chose to give it all up. He didn’t see the value in himself anymore. He forgot that he was capable of an infinite amount of things. He created a device that could refine any pill that he wanted to, and put 1000 Xanax into the machine and pressed it all into a super xanny bar. Greg gulped nervously, threw it into his mouth, and gulped it down with an entire glass of water. He died instantly. But his soul was not ready to go. An ancient demon sensed all of his evil and hatred, he possessed Greg years before he died, Greg struggled with it for his entire life. But when he died, he was not granted passage into the next. As long as the demon lived, Greg was bound to the planet as Xan the Man. The demon took the form of a Gigantic xanax bar the size of an elephant, with giant blue eyes. It’s said that the demon was affected by the drug for 3 weeks. At first, Xan was a weak entity. He was slowly waking up his power, but the apocalypse came. This gave Xan the perfect opportunity to awaken his true powers, as there were was only chaos left in the world. He became a true monster. He brainwashed many people into following him and killed them, using their souls to create powerful minions. He could only make few of these minions though, as each minion took a part of his power as well to animate. He spent all of the time that the world was collapsing, to build an evil empire. B&J were strong, but could they truly kill such a horrible beast!? If the stars aligned, maybe they could pull it off. They were powerful too, but were they lucky? As they were riding the waves, one of the survivors noticed something in the distance. “Holy fuck are those mountains!? Trees!? We can find water and food now?” Chuck started laughing. He put his hand on the guys shoulder and said “Kid, I think everything is gonna be alright.” They made landfall, It was a soft yellow sandy beach, as far as the eye could see in both directions. In front of them, it seemed like paradise, a thick jungle with beautiful giant mountains, unfortunately for them, it was getting dark and they didn’t have much time to set up a nice base. Full well knowing this, all of the guys took a step off the whale, and all went off in their own direction, thinking the exact same thing.

Mind over Matter

After all the guys were done spanking their monkeys, their other carnal desire took over. “Oy, i haven’t had anything besides maggoty bread for 3 stinkin days!” One of the survivors said. This has no relation to LOTR, it was just true. “Can’t we just eat the whale?” Tiffany said. Tiffany was known for a deep love of big throbbing meat. She once took 3 1/2 meats at once all to herself. She also really liked eating meat as well. “Looks like meat is back on the menu bitches!” They killed the whale, and although he had a significant role in this story, he won’t ever get the credit he deserves. But I know mr demon whale. Semper Fidelis. Half of the survivors butchered the whale while the others started work on a giant fire. It was literally giant like a 30 foot circle on the beach. Pretty nice job not gonna lie. They had a massive feast, and the combination of post nut clarity, full bellies, and the stars above them, made the men all fall asleep by the fire. The lazy shits. The women however, stepped up to the plate. Elizabeth and a few other women approached B&J who immediately went off on their own, down the beach. They were getting ready to plant weed before they even got off of the whale. Elizabeth was a natural born beauty, but even more importantly, she was a leader. Her best friend Daeshona was right by her side and was even more beautiful. She had supreme wisdom and a loving heart. And despite how bad everything looked for humanity, everyone was in a good mood. Grateful to still have a chance at life. “Thank you guys. I know nobody has properly said this yet, but it needs to be said. Without you, we wouldn’t be here right now. All of us owe you our lives. And I hope we can continue to count on you, humanity needs you.” Elizabeth said to B&J. They were bent over planting seeds of course, seeds they had picked straight from their own bodies. They both looked at her, and then without saying a word, went straight back to planting. Liz was pretty annoyed with this. But she knew how to stay cool, calm, and collected, without sacrificing her inner bad bitch. She bent over and whispered right into B&Js faces “I..said..thank..you.. Did you smoke so much you forgot how to speak English?” She had their attention now. Joint sighed and looked at Blunt. Blunt nodded softly and started speaking “Listen... we aren’t doing this for you, we aren’t the super hero’s you think we are. We’re only doing this because we made a promise to someone a long time ago. It’s someone, and something that you know nothing about. We will always protect humanity as long as we are here, but don’t get it wrong. We aren’t interested in being your hero, or your savior, or your leader, or anything like that.” She looked at Joint, and his previously happy demeanor had completely changed, he had a single tear rolling down his cheek. He walked into the darkness but the girls could hear him choking back his tears. Blunt, almost as if he was getting down onto his knees in utter defeat, Bent down and shook his head. “Whatever this promise was, it was something deep.” Elizabeth thought to herself. Only Liz and Daeshona had heard what Blunt had said, and seeing their saviors in such a sorry state, put a damper on the general mood. The optimism and calmness was replaced with doubt and anxiety. Daeshona noticed this and knew that they had to do something. “Ok listen up ladies! Play time is over!” She yelled, she looked to Elizabeth and nodded her head. “Daeshona is right! For gods sake ladies we just made it across the ocean on a giant demon whale, just in time to dodge the reapers cold, wet, hands. Not to mention the impossible odds we went through to even make it that far! Even through all of that, we made it here together, we’re safe here, we can start rebuilding society, start families, and we can do things right this time!” Some of the girls started cheering. “Right now, what’s important is staying positive. We have the chance to focus on living and not just surviving, but we have to stay strong to get there. Nothing is more important then that. I love you all, but to be honest, I’m scared too. We have no idea what’s out there. What obstacles will come up, what fortunes will bless us, but we have each other right now. And just like everything else, we can get through this together.” The men were woken up by the commotion and although they only heard the end where Daeshona yelled “So what do you say ladies!? Who’s ready to kick some ass!?” And all the women started chanting “kick some ass” over and over this was enough to get them hyped up over whatever was happening. The simpletons. Blunt and Joint, totally inspired by Elizabeth’s speech, walked up to her. Joint laughed half embarrassed half impressed and said “See, we really aren’t the true hero’s of this story. See how happy everyone is now. Sure, everything is stacked against us, we could totally die in like 10 seconds at any point in time, but one little spark of hope and humanity will cling to it like they are the universe and it’s the last star. To them, we will always be the ones who defended them when they needed it, the shield they keep close in a fight. But you’ll always be their last star Liz. You are the hope of humanity.” Elizabeth was surprised at this huge compliment, blushed and started tearing up. She turned to all of the survivors, now in a positive mood, planning, laughing, getting ready to face the unknown. Chuck waved to Liz, signaling her over. She grinned, got ready to say something, but when she turned around, Blunt and Joint had already gone back to planting their precious bud. She laughed to herself and ran over to the survivors, determined to lead her people to a good life. However amongst all the good that was happening, what they didn’t notice was that some of Xans minions had been attracted to the light caused by the giant fire. They started to run back to their base to alert Xan, but it would take some time to get back to their home. The survivors had time, but not much.

Pants are for the weak

After a long but well spent night of hard work, all of the people started to fall asleep, they had some shelter, some beds made of palm leaves, some spears, but not really much else. However this was enough to satisfy them for now, and sleep was the only thing they could think about anymore anyways. Blunt and Joint on the other hand, were super badasses who didn’t need no sleep. As the Sun was rising over the water, slowly illuminating the paradise they had found, B&J were sat side by side waiting to harvest the weed they had planted 8 hours prior. “These are taking a bit longer to grow then the last batch eh Joint?” “Well Blunt if you don’t remember, last time you got impatient and caught all of the plants on fire! Pretty sure you said “fuck it I can’t wait anymore man” Threw them in a fire pit and left your face over the smoke for 2 hours.” Blunt started wheezing from laughing so hard and said “Yeah just making sure you didn’t forget buddy.” His laughter caused him to knock a plant into the sand. “Ahh look what you did, that one is yours man.” Joint said, now laughing himself. And just in that moment, the buds all simultaneously bloomed on the plants, some as big as a fat baby. Excited, Joint let out a howl like a lone wolf. Blunt howled back but much louder. Joint couldn’t handle how pussy his howl was compared to Blunts, and howled again but even louder! This caused a series of back and forth howls that got so intense that it sounded like 2 werewolves trying anal for the first time. They kept going until somewhere off in the distance, something decided to howl back. Wasn’t much of a howl though, more like the lifeless screech of an ancient demon hungry for souls. Xan had heard the 2 howling, and mistook B&J for giant 2 legged alligator wolves. Something Xan was not in the mood to deal with. He let out his most terrifying yell hoping to scare the beasts away. Dumbass. The howling had woken up the survivors, and even though they all heard the evil screech, they were too out of it to really care. They just wanted some demon whale steak. Blunt and Joint however, were thoroughly shook. It sent shivers down their seams, made goosebuds all over them, and made Joint fart a lil squeaker. They quickly got Chuck and Liz, and frantic to get the people ready for whatever abomination was on its way, quickly told them “Listen, something bad is going to happen, real bad. Something is on its way here right now, and it wants to kill all of us, possibly worse. This is beyond any evil you know of. You need to get everyone ready to fight and you need to prepare to lose us today. Blunt and I must meditate and draw out the true power within us. I can sense the creature, it draws nearer every second. We have less then an hour before we must fight. Their is no more time. Please, you 2 must do this now!” Blunt smiled and put one hand on each Elizabeth and chucks shoulder. “You 2 got this. Don’t worry about us, worry about your people.” “You’re our people too, you know. And you’re the ones who don’t need to worry, me and Chuck have this handled.” Liz smiled back, and then knuckle bumped Chuck. The 2 groups turned around at the same time, the King and Queen walked to the others, and the Knights walked into the ocean. They smoked a huge amount of weed, and had the most intense meditation sesh in the history of consciousness. The things they saw, experienced, learned, could never be described by word. And when they sensed that the evil was less then 2 minutes away, they both opened their eyes, with a newfound peace of mind and confidence. They were completely focused on combat. A flock of blood red seagulls flew overhead, as if they were flying away from the intense power emanating off of Xan the Man. “Hey Blunt, you remember that promise we made to our sensei? Back when all of this started? Do you think we can keep it?” Joint said. “Quit acting like a baby Joint, if we can’t, we’ll die along with the promise anyways. The only way to keep his legacy going, is for us to survive, and to keep that promise forever. It’s time to fight, are you ready or not?” “Of course I’m ready. I’m just not sure if we can win.” “Me neither, but it doesn’t matter does it. We have to fight.” They both looked at each other and laughed. “Of course we got this, now cmon, our friends are waiting for us.” B&J joined the survivors, They were lined up, ready to fight for their lives. Some of them had managed to make themselves some makeshift armor out of twigs and whale scales, and a couple of whale scale spears. Most of them just had wooden spears and the clothes on their backs though. The armored ones were the front line, including Chuck, and Karen who was actually pretty good at kicking ass. B&J posted themselves in front of the armored people in hopes that they wouldn’t have to fight at all. Xan was so close now that they could hear the branches breaking and the trees falling in the forest. Any second now, annnnny second, just one more, andddd boom goes the dynamite. Everything suddenly went slow-motion for Blunt and Joint. This was the make or break moment for mankind, and the adrenaline spike caused their perception of time to distort momentarily. Their usually goofy demeanors were replaced by a fire that could burn down hell. Xan busted out of the forest with 2 of his minions on his back, took one look at the group in front of him, and let out a roaring and condescending laugh. “This is what you 2 fools were afraid of!? A couple of half baked pirates and some meat sacks barely hanging on? I should have you 2 sent to the doctor and checked because it appears you both LOST YOUR BALLS! Hahahaha!” Blunt took this moment to point out something important. “Hey ugly, I think you forgot your pants at home. We’re you that excited for your first day of schooling?” “Silence you nimrod, you shall address me as Xan the Man, and I’ll have you know that I am a being beyond pants. If I had to wear pants I would be no different from you sorry lot. No, I choose the pants less travelled.” “Well Xan the garbage can, pants or no pants, you underestimate us. We will defeat you, and make you put pants on. My name, is Fatass Joint, you already met my associate, Blunt. And as long as you are pantsless, you’ll be our personal punching bag!”

Zen and the art of Marijuana

Each of the minions jumped off of Xans back. According to Joint they resembled “Fat fucking cats but way bigger..” Realistically though one was half man, half tiger, and the other was man mixed with a lion. Extremely large claws, massive jaws with razor sharp teeth, and muscles that could make Arnold Schwarzenegger drool. All with the intelligence of a man. These were no ordinary opponents. “Joint, Blunt, leave these 2 house cats to me.” Chuck said courageous and confidently. Stepping in front of them, spear pointed at the beasts. “Hahaha, it’s been a while since I got to beat some pussy up!” And without another second going by, chuck leapt over 15 feet, within inches of the lion, and struck his spear straight through the lions chest. Quick to react though, the lion was able to move his body just enough to avoid a fatal blow through his heart. Chuck noticed this and used all of his force to throw the spear through the lion, sending the lion flying back into a tree. “See, one down already!” Chuck yelled. Amidst the conflict, Xan started muttering phrases of an ancient language very quietly. Not even Xans minions knew how he attacked. He attacked using his secret chants and inner power to draw energy from hell. He knew things from before even mankind existed. “Heh, not bad for a normal human. But don’t count me out yet, I’m just getting started with you. Blunt noticed a shift in the Lions energy and saw its eyes turn from brown to a bright glowing red. He knew he had to strike the lion while it was still weak. He shot a Rasta colored lazer beam from his eyeballs, obliterating the animals upper half. “Now it’s dead, try doing that with a spear.” Blunt said. Chucks jaw dropped in awe. Xan was slightly annoyed by this, but the man tiger, was furious. He rushed over to his deceased brothers body, and absorbed the rest of the lions power into his own. This caused a great shockwave, pushing back everyone, even Xan. The tiger started to transform into a new beast entirely. He no longer even slightly resembled a man. His humanity was gone, replaced with a deep blood lust and predatory instinct to kill. His body completely turned into that of a demon twisted lion with a tiger head and a tail made of the burning essence of hell, said to be hotter than the sun itself, yet concentrated and contained. “That’s one for the books eh boys!?” Blunt said turning around, he went to high five Joint but before he could the awakened demon tiger rammed his head so hard that it sent him into a temporary dream state, in which he was swimming in a pool full of weed. It also sent him flying backwards at a super high speed. He quickly reoriented himself but before he was ready the tiger was already lunging in for another attack. It’s jaws clenched around blunts neck but Joint was right behind them and was able to uppercut it, sending it flying up in the air. The tiger wasn’t going to let an opportunity go to waste though and slashed Joint with his tail. Joint instantly caught on fire and started freaking out. “Stop drop and roll Joint! Stop drop and roll!” Chuck started yelling. He frantically started rolling around in the sand, unfortunately for him, leaving him open for another attack. This time the monster rammed into Joint at Mach speed, pushing him into the dirt and leaving a massive crater. Blunt drop kicked the tiger beast away from Joint and used his weed powers to create a greatsword made out of his own body. Although this sword was made of weed, it was sharper then any manmade sword could dream of being. “You okay man!?” He said. “Yeah just give me a second, damn that really knocked the smoke out of me.” The tiger demon landed on his feet, and pounced straight at blunt, its loss of intelligence was ultimately its downfall. Fueled by blind rage, the beast dove straight into Blunts swing, cutting itself perfectly in half. Joint was in the process of standing up when this happened, but looked up just in time to see half of the animal flying towards him. He quickly moved out of the way and watched the 2 parts of the beast fly another 100 feet out into the ocean. Within a second a monkey shark grabbed the mangled mess of a creature and swam its free lunch down to the bottom of the ocean. Joint looked at Blunt, who looked at Chuck, who was collapsing to the ground in front of them. They looked around them and noticed the rest of the survivors starting to collapse too. “What the hell is happening!?” They were fine just a second ago!” Blunt yelled. “Well well well, I see you two are immune to my sleeping spell. Isn’t this a treat. It’s been over 10,000 years since I’ve been in a real fight! You may have been stronger then my minions, but don’t get too cocky. The fun hasn’t even started yet!” Xan belched deep, and like a dragon, he spewed out a thick mist of unbelievably potent xanax dust. B&J instantly moved back a few hundred feet down the beach. “How are we gonna handle this guy Blunt? He has no pants!” “Forget the pants man! They aren’t important. And forget fighting too! No amount of violence will solve this fight. No, pain is what got him to this state, marijuana is the only way to save him now. I know you aren’t going to like this Joint, but I know how to stop him.” Joint already knew exactly what Blunt was going to say, and with the look of the 2 hardest motherfuckers, they faced their enemy. It was time to either end this, or die trying. Blunt started shooting lazers at Xan the man in hopes to distract him while Joint ran to grab his torch. Xan noticed the lazers and quickly chanted something. The lazers went right through Xan, like he was a ghost. Blunt braced himself for the counter attack. But internally he was scared. Those lazers were one of his stronger attacks and they didn’t even leave a mark. Xan chanted again and sent a shower of sharp xanax crystals flying towards Blunt, each one that hit Blunt sent him flying back 10 feet and screaming in pain! Blunt, with multiple crystals now sticking out of his body, was still standing strong. He still had an ace up his sleeve, but if he used it too soon, they would fail. He just needed to hold out in time for Joint! Before he could attack back, Xan was already chanting again. This time hells essence started shooting out of the ground like geysers in a straight line towards Blunt, each one getting larger. Blunt dodged the attack and started running towards Xan at full speed. Or so Xan thought. Behind the giant explosions of fire and sand, Blunt had secretly cloned himself and hid just under the surface of the sand. Xan was unaware of this and started to attack the clone, the clone however was able to dodge Xans attacks, even though he knew he should be connecting. “What is this annoyance? Have you sent a clone after me? Don’t tell me your so scared that you would run away from a fight! How pathetic are you!?” Xan babbled. Blunt came out from under the sand, he wasn’t trying to fight, just buy time. Luckily for him, Joint was already back and ready to put their plan into full swing. Joint lit Blunt up and got ready to end the fight once and for all. “Alright you pantsless freak. We’ve had enough of your games. Either come at us like you mean it, or quit wasting our time.” Joint said, trying to provoke Xan into a close ranged fight. The bait worked, almost a little to well as within the blink of an eye Xan was over Joint and Blunts body. He slammed himself into the 2, but Joint pushed back, using all of his strength to stop Xan. The force of this caused a tidal wave so massive that it hit the opposite end of the landmass 2 weeks later. “Now Blunt! Do it now!” Blunt used his ace, he mixed the sand with hemp fibers from his body, turning it into a thick paste, which quickly hardened to be stronger than diamonds. He stuck Xan to ground but this wouldn’t last long. “Your play Joint. Hurry it up!” Joint took a huge rip from Blunts body, ran behind Xan, and blew the smoke straight up his asshole. Boofing usually isn’t this violent kids. Xan let out a horrible scream, like he had just learned how to look inward. Millions of years of 0 introspection, and evil acts were all starting to catch up with the demon. He fell down, got in the fetal position, and started mumbling to himself. “I regret my entire existence. Why couldn’t I have lived for the full experience of life itself instead of just the negativity it brings?” Xan transformed back into Greg’s human body. Although he was still dead, his body had a slight smile on its face. He could finally meet the peace he deserved. Bluddy, broken, and bruised, B&J plopped down on the ground and both let out a big sigh of relief. Each of them lit up a fat ass joint and a killer blunt. “Do you think they’ll wake up soon B?” “Man, I hope not.”

The End

And how am I here you ask? Well, unfortunately I couldn’t save the world this time. But having my consciousness downloaded into a robots body, has given me another chance to protect mankind. And I’ll continue to watch over them until the day my batteries die.

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[bestspuds]

Tanzania

We set off for Tarangire with our guide Jackson. Let’s take a second to examine the role of the guide because it can make or break your trip. Jackson was a small light hearted chap of 44. He had a college education and an encyclopedic knowledge of the animals and geography of Tanzania. He also had a really keen world view and was a history buff on all African countries. His style was like ours - to drive the remote areas of the parks and enjoy seeing whatever animals presented themselves rather than race maniacally all over the place trying to get a view of the big 5 radioed in by comrades.

Tarangire national park is an elephant and giraffe paradise. We saw around 20 families of elephants, most with very young babies in tow. We learned that giraffes group their young on high ground in “nurseries” for safety in numbers. We spied cheetahs chilling under a bush and a lioness stalking through the undergrowth. It was also our first view of Ostriches in the wild, huge birds - females are grey while males have pink necks in mating season. That night we stayed in huts right outside the park. So close in fact that we had Maasai escort us after dark. This turned out to be a necessary precaution as we were woken the next morning by a parade of elephants trundling through camp tearing up small trees and trumpeting our wake up call.

Our Toyota Landcrusier was having battery issues so after the Maasai helped us push start it we headed to Lake Manyara with a brief stop in Mosquito Town to get locals to fix a corroded battery connector. Manyara is a spectacular wetland area nestled under the great Rift Valley with jungle rising from the lake up the valley walls. Moses and a Clinton met us with canoes and we canoed out into the shallow lake to watch Zebra and warthog mingle on the banks. Lake Manyara is alkaline so the animals don’t drink from it. Later we run into a huge bull elephant on the dirt track through the jungle. He’s been disturbed by another safari Jeep and turns to charge us, Jackson slams into reverse and the swinging trunk just misses us. We’re statues and couple minutes later he loses interest and tramps off into the jungle. The wetland area around Manyara has huge grasses and is home to huge herds of buffalo and hippo with Fish Eagles swooping overhead looking for catfish. That evening we stay at a lodge on the edge of the Rift Valley walls with epic views overlooking Manyara and again are watched over by the local Maasai.

Waking early we hit the road again with our trusty land cruiser starting on the first try. Today we head around the rim of Ngorongoro crater and down into the Serengeti. This is the home of the big cats in Africa and immediately we see a young cheetah chilling in the grass under a massive boulder. The Serengeti is huge, vast grassland with occasional Kopjes and flat acacia trees dotting the horizon. There are Thompson and Grant Gazelle everywhere and herds of Zebra and early wildebeest roaming the plains. We come across a pride of lions resting on a grassy hilltop watching the rains sweep in in isolated showers; turning dust to mud in seconds and bouncing into skidding. After towing out a fellow driver stuck in the mud Jackson gets us safely to our temporary camp in the park. We are staying in canvas tents with a full size bed and manual shower system. Dinner is served in the mess tent and bush TV (wood fire) serving as entertainment. These camps move every 6 months so there are no protective walls, you are literally camping in the home of the largest predators on earth with a flashlight as protection!

Over the next couple of days in the Serengeti we see over 20 different prides of lions, including a couple of huge black maned males, we spot elusive leopards on 3 different occasions resting high up in trees or rocky outcrops. We watch buffalo herds mingle with Zebra for hours and have lunch within 10 feet of 2 young male cheetahs marking their territory under a tree before hunting. The watering holes are full of hippoes pooing and playing watched by log like crocodiles and Tori gets to track her favorite animals the warthogs (80s rock legends) and the Dik Dik (monogamous midget antelopes). We spy martial eagles the largest birds of prey in Africa scanning for color changing lizards and prides of lion testing after big feeds.

One of these feeds happens right in our camp. I wake in the second night to lions roaring and running through our camp, right past our tent to corner and kill a zebra while buffaloes bellow warnings. We wake that morning to the scavenger buffet with hyenas, jackals and vultures mopping up the zebra scraps.

After 4 days in Serengeti we head to Ngorongoro- the lost world. It is a conservation area perfectly preserved on the crater of a huge dormant volcano. We watch the sunset over the crater from our lodge before plunging down into the park the next morning. Due to high crater walls and a self contained ecosystem animal life flourishes here with herds of Zebra and wildebeest stretching across the grasslands to big lakes and watering holes. Jungle climbs the crater walls and it is one of the best places to spot the incredibly rare black Rhino.

Minutes after watching a huge stork catch and devour a grass snake we come across a pride of lions heading to the river to drink. 9 of them including 2 huge males lope across the grass, clearly they own the place. Slightly further on we encounter a proud lioness having just taken down a zebra single handed panting with the blood drying in the dust around them. She will wait there all day for her pride to join her and share the spoils.

Lions clearly eat well here for as we head to the lake we watch 3 young lions take down a small zebra, and tear it apart. A plucky silver jackel hovers on their perimeter and takes his opportunity to grab a leg and high tail it.

We mount a ridge and through binoculars spy massive bull elephants in the tall swamp grass before we come across a black rhino and calf grazing in the open marshes. There are only 33 in the park and less than 200 in Tanzania due to poaching and loss of habitat. Johney is delighted as Rhino are his favorite.

That night a Maasai choir arrive at the lodge to sing and jump giving us a taste of what’s to come. They have incredibly strong voices and seem to bounce off the ground trying to out do each other in height.

Next morning we meet Emmanuel one of the park rangers and hike up the crater to the rim. Along the way we track leopards by fresh paw prints and dung. The view is outstanding from the peak and luckily we don’t meet any territorial buffalo.

We leave Ngorongoro and make for a Maasai village, Jackson chats to the locals and we are allowed in to visit them. They perform some of their dances and get both Tori and I to join in dressed in their spare robes. The chiefs son speaks perfect English and takes us in his hut where his wife has a fire going. Huts are wooden stakes and mud and dung walls with straw roof. The smoke makes our eyes water as he tells us about their customs of only eating meat and drinking blood and milk. We haggle for a bracelet and still pay a fortune but the money will be spent on school supplies for their children as Maasai are nomadic and not at all materialistic. We arrive back in Arusha, bid Jackson farewell, he’d been great company and prepare for Mount Kilimanjaro...