#she's still a weird lady but she's licensed now

[lazylittledragon]

i said that gale and cyra have disaster romcom energy and now it's all i can think about

[heavyhitterheaux]

Can't Take You Seriously

First Lady of Private Garden Blurb

AN: I saw a tweet about this and just had to do it lol

Synopsis: You are trying to have a serious conversation with your husband, but can't figure out why he's so distracted

Pairing: Husband!Jack Harlow x Wife!Reader

First Lady of Private Garden Masterlist 1

First Lady of Private Garden Masterlist 2

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

“Baby! Are you even listening to me?!” You exclaimed as you looked at your husband who seemed like he was focused on everything else but you.

“Of course I am!” Jack replied to you as you were standing in front of him.

“Then what did I just say?!”

“Umm, I forgot to do something that you asked.”

“And I asked you to do it last week! If I knew that this was going to take this long, I would have done it myself. You’ve been home for three weeks now from tour. I let you relax a little bit and take a moment for yourself, but did you suddenly forget that you’re a husband and a father too?”

“I’m not trying to argue with you, babe. Of course I didn’t forget!”

“Then why are we having this conversation for the third time this week? I’m about to drop you off on Maggie’s doorstep but now that she’s gotten rid of you, she probably doesn’t want you back.” You complained while crossing your arms and Jack still had that weird look on his face and didn’t even bother responding to your previous statement. 

“Jackman! What has you so distracted? Because you are literally hardly paying attention to anything that I’m saying. I could use a little more help here and I don’t know how many times that I have to say it. You decided to get me pregnant, did you not?”

All you felt was Jack move your wig that you were wearing slightly to the left, taking you aback and you were now the one looking confused.

“I literally cannot take you seriously while you’re yelling at me and your wig is crooked. Now it’s not, so we can continue.” Jack muttered while smoothing out the top and you were just looking at him in disbelief.

“Look, as much money as I spend on buying them for you, I need to make sure we’re getting my money’s worth and you’re wearing them right. Now, as you were saying?”

All you did was roll your eyes and Jack noticed that you now had a pout on your face.

“If you rolled your eyes at me any harder just now, they would have gotten stuck. So, now you’re quiet and don’t have anything to say?”

“You get on my last nerve.” You replied as you were trying your hardest not to laugh.

“I can’t have my wife out here looking like I don’t love her and take care of her! Can you imagine the headlines? And then he who shall not be named will take that as an opportunity to slide right in and take my place.”

“Not with him wearing those inspector gadget looking outfits.”

“I-... we’re going to leave that one alone.”

“But seriously, baby can you please go do what I asked?” You said as Jack pulled you into a hug and kissed your forehead.

“Yes, babe. I’m going right now and I’m sorry that I’ve just been in a mood lately. Being a husband and a parent doesn’t stop and I promise that I’m good now. Was just overwhelmed for a minute.”

“And you didn’t tell me this because? What did I tell you about that?”

“I know and I have no excuse. Thank you for always being here for me when I need you.”

“Always and forever.”

“And I’m always going to be here for you especially when your wig needs to be fixed.”

You pulled away from Jack to look up at him and gave him a blank stare.

“What?”

“I should have returned you with the receipt when I had the chance.” You muttered and Jack rolled his eyes.

“If the receipt you’re talking about is our marriage license, keep in mind that you were the one who got drunk and proceeded to almost set it on fire and would have if I didn’t throw you over my shoulder and Dani grabbed it from you.”

“Hmm, she was useful for some things I guess, but I don’t recall.”

“I guess not since the next morning you didn’t remember a single thing that happened, but it’s okay. I love my wife and her crooked wigs and all.” Jack leaned down to kiss the tip of your nose and you were trying to get away from him. 

“Jackman?”

“Uh oh. Government name was used.”

“Use your hand for a week.”

“That’s how you’re going to treat me after these hands fixed your wig for you? They can make you cum too if you let me.”

“JACKMAN THOMAS, CUT IT OUT!”

First Lady Blurbs Taglist

@cmalass

@a-moment-captured

@alinaharlow

@neon-lights-and-glitter

@harlowcomehome

@hoodharlow

@nattinatalia

[aita-blorbos]

aita for telling my brother-in-law not to fuck with my wife??

so i (33m) am a licensed mercenary in my city. i used to be a grade 1, highest of the 9 grades in most of my occupation, but recently was demoted all the way back to grade 9 by the higher-ups, due to reasons i'll explain later. my wife (38f) and her brother (39m) were as well, at the even higher distinction of each being given a color and a special title. that is, until my wife died in an incident while i was out on work. she was everything i had in my life, so you can imagine how heartbroken i was; i did a lot of things i regret now, which also stripped me of my rank and most of the connections i had.

then one day, i was wandering around on the street, looking for my favorite sandwich shop, since i heard they had a special deal that day, when out of nowhere, i found myself in.. a weird, fantastical library of sorts, and was promptly greeted by a mysterious lady dressed all in black, who questioned me intensely and ripped off all my limbs when she found my answers unsatisfactory. yeah, what a way to welcome an unexpected visitor.

anyway, i woke up, and the lady gave me a whole speech on her freedom or something, and how i'll be helping her from now on to gather books for her library (books in this case are made from killing humans, it's weird, don't think too much on it). well, i didn't have anything to lose at that point, nor did i have much of a choice, so i became her right-hand man, and eventually we became friends.

fast forward to… a few years in? i couldn't tell you, time works strangely in here. anyway, the job is almost done, and my kidnapper-turned-boss-turned-best-friend is looking forward to getting out of this place and living as a regular human. then someone BREAKS DOWN the door, which was NOT possible before, given that this library hasn't really been a physical location up until now.

and in walks

none other

than my nutcase brother-in-law

he's accompanied by a bunch of monsters who are somehow all still capable of thinking and speaking, though none of them are exactly in their right minds. he calls them his ensemble or something. anyway he shows up in here, for context librarian lady and i have caught a few peeks at him, and he's always going on about his sister (my wife) and how beautiful it was witnessing her and the thing that killed her, or whatever, my head hurts just thinking about it.

anyway, a bunch of these guys are also people on the receiving end of my anger when my wife died. one of them being a mad scientist who wanted to bring back his son by making him into a puppet. the fucker's been turning people into puppets ever since, and this time, he's come along with MY DEAD WIFE stitched up into an abomination of what she once was, and her brother somehow has the gall to taunt me about it, saying i've come to steal her from him again and they've made her too beautiful for me to handle. if i could i would've killed him right then and there, but given the circumstances that would've been an impossible task.

the librarians on the lower floors are currently dealing with a few members of this group of lunatics and our dear miss head librarian is making me write this because she thinks i'm not acting like myself

so. internet, aita?

[virtuousweakling]

Hantengu + Gyokko (humans): ✨shopping✨

(mostly fluff but mentions of condoms, butt stuff etc.) brief mentions of car accidents but no gore. ⚠️

The period is modern day and Hantengu and Gyokko are a homosexual couple of older gentlemen living together. Hantengu struggles with kleptomania and Gyokko is supporting them with his art commissions. Now I literally couldn't stop laughing while writing this and my family must have thought I was going insane but I hope y'all feel the same joy reading this as I had writing it.

Enjoy! 💚💜🖤❤️

Hantengu sighed as his stomach growled and quickly closed the fridge, calling out to Gyokko, "We need to go to the store. We're just about out of everything." "Oooh! I just LOVE a chance to go out and show off my glorious outfits! Let me get ready." Gyokko gleefully replied. "But Gyokko, we aren't going anywhere special, we're just going to S-Mart and coming straight home. I only have $250 in food stamps." "FIVE MINUTES, I SWEAR!" The sound of thick, leather footfalls approached Hantengu at the door. "Readyyy!" Hantengu, wearing a red knit cardigan, simple tan slacks and glasses perched low on his pointy nose looked Gyokko up and down. "...You're dressed for a bachelor party." "Hyo, hyo! You should be MORE than happy to be seen walking beside ME of all PEOPLE, Hantenguuu!" "Yeah, sure, whatever grab your purse and let's go. You practically took an hour and a half, it's already 3 o'clock."

Hantengu shakily put his keys in his run down Cadillac and started the vehicle with a popping sound shooting out of the exhaust pipe. He adjusted the mirror and squinted his eyes, moving his seat up extremely close to the wheel, practically hunching over it. "Oh, did we lock the door?" Gyokko nodded, "Yes, Hantengu, you locked it three times." "Well I just don't want anyone breaking in and stealing anything." Gyokko agreed. "Like my beautiful masterpieces, oh how horrendous that would be!" "Exactly that's why it's important we make sure we lock the door when we leave." Neither men considered how unhinged and delusional that conversation sounded considering they both committed illegal acts on a regular basis, one of them convincing himself of his non-existent innocence and the other defending his violent tendencies.

Hantengu was a terrible driver and Gyokko was...even worse, but Hantengu had better focusing skills than Gyokko who had massive road rage and liked to race strangers. See, Hantengu began doing most of the driving when Gyokko lost his license one summer after ramming a black SUV with no headlights into the back of a woman's sedan in the middle of the night. She had two kids and one baby in the backseat. Now Hantengu occasionally backed into the mailbox and a telephone pole outside of the driveway, but just casually said "Oops." And kept going. One time the air bag was released onto Gyokko who, surprisingly withstood it very well considering his muscular physique, but Hantengu shrieked in fear and pissed himself in the passengers seat. If it were him who'd been hit, all of his frail bones would have been broken. The piss stain is still there and the car reeks of stale, moldy interior and, well, you guessed it... Piss.

Hantengu drove to the grocery store, just nonchalantly cutting people off and failing to use turn signals. One lady began yelling out her window but stopped mid sentence as she noticed the fragile, elderly man with a receding hairline and large protrusion on his head hunched over the wheel looking over his glasses not even noticing her at all (as if he thought he was the only car on the road) and the rather pale, over-dressed man beside him with green lipstick giving her the double barrel finger with his tongue out. "...What the fuck...?" She mumbled to herself. Her husband who looked like he just got off the golf course at a country club bared his teeth in disgust and said "I told you the locals were weird around here, let's just get off on this next exit, honey."

Hantengu and Gyokko pulled into the store, driving in extremely slow circles around the entire parking lot until Hantengu thought he found a close enough parking space. They parked completely sideways over the line beside them and onto the line for the parking space in front of them, partially blocking off a handicapped space. Hantengu moved his seat back and got out, walking around the car to release Gyokko whose door handle was missing from the inside. Gyokko stuck his hand out expecting Hantengu to take it and guide him out of the car like royalty but Hantengu just turned around and stood with his hands on his hips, stretching his back and looking around at the pedestrians walking with their buggies in disgust.

"Did I park okay?" Hantengu asked Gyokko, squinting at the car. "Yeah, looks pretty straight to me. Straighter than last time. Let's get a cart, I'm excited."

The second they entered the store, Hantengu grabbed a flyer and licked his thumb, skimming the pages for coupons. Gyokko began running around grabbing random things and putting them in the cart. "Ah, Gyokko, no. Put that back. We don't have that kind of money and I don't even think my EBT card will cover that." "Why are you so boring, OLD MAN?" As they walked further through the produce section, Gyokko asked to push the cart. "Can I push it... Daddy?" Hantengu choked on his own saliva for a second and nodded, furrowing his brow while walking away and look at something else. Everything Gyokko wanted, even something simple like a bag of grapes, instigated the same question from Hantengu again and again like a broken record: "Is that even on sale?" After a while, Gyokko couldn't help but notice Hantengu was walking with his hands behind his back, leaning slightly forward and judging literally everything in the store. The people, the food, the environment, even the way the buggies wheels screeched. Hantengu's expression was one of brutal, silent judgement and he had no damn reason to do that while looking the way he did but he did it anyway. Hantengu approached a giant cardboard display of watermelons and leaned forward, knocking on all of them. It almost looked like he was listening to them. He walked away shaking his head. He touched everything, yet, put nothing in the cart. "You're so cute." Gyokko said to his partner, biting his lip. Hantengu looked so damn embarrassed.

Hantengu and Gyokko approached a home goods aisle and saw a big, orange tag below a shelf of deluxe, extra-large automatic rice cookers that said "SALE: 39.99 orig. price: 69.99" Gyokko marveled at the boxes as the geriatric Hantengu leaned in, squinting at the price tag. "39.99? Half off? Hm." He pensively touched his chin. "...hm." Gyokko looked at Hantengu, who was just standing there silently, speculating about the price tag. "Hmm." Gyokko just awkwardly glanced at the side, anticipating Hantengu to say something other than "hm." It seemed as if the most excruciating half hour passed by before Hantengu actually said something until finally, Hantengu went "Ah," breaking the silence.

"Yes?" Gyokko asked.

"39.99 is still too expensive. I can get ten bags of rice for that money and cook it for free."

Gyokko's entire mind deflated like Squidward's head in that one episode and just dragged himself along with Hantengu at this point, trying desperately to enjoy this time out with his partner. They approached a medicine aisle and Gyokko noticed migraine antiinflammatories on sale. "You need this," he said to Hantengu who was browsing the adult diapers. "Hm? What is it." Hantengu took the small box out of Gyokko's hand and adjusted his glasses, tilting his head back as if struggling to read the package. "What is this?" "It's antiinflammatories. For your head." "But I don't nee-... Fuck you." Hantengu tossed the box at Gyokko who caught it on his chest, jovially laughing at Hantengu (these two boogers sounded like the old men on the muppets show). Gyokko squeaked as he pointed out contraceptives to Hantengu, "TROJAN XXXL? WHOSE DICK IS THIS BIG?" Hantengu's heart sank as he looked around, hushing the always inappropriate Gyokko. Gyokko continued, "Oh, here we go, 'intense pleasure warming jelly.' Comes with ridged condoms for 'extra satisfaction.'" Hantengu facepalmed so hard his hand almost exited out the back of his skull. "Gyokko, please. Why are you doing this." "We need them! EXCUSE ME, DO YOU WORK HERE?" "NO, GYO-" "Yes sir how can I help you?" "CAN YOU PLEASE GET ME THIS FROM BEHIND THE GLASS?" "Gyokko please, my heart, I can't..." "TOO LATE."

Gyokko grinned like a maniac as he watched the clerk unlock the window. Gyokko put the box in the cart and showed Hantengu a $20 bill from his pocket. "If I'm buying it, it's mine." "Then get your own basket, I'm not pushing this around, everyone can see what it is." "What's the matter Hantengu, you don't want everyone to know what's going to happen to that tight hole of yours tonight?" Hantengu croaked and began to sweat. Finally the men checked out and Hantengu forced Gyokko to go to a different scanner. As Hantengu scanned away at the self checkout, the clerk standing by noticed his behavior was looking a bit off since he was looking over his shoulder a lot and seemed nervous. She approached Hantengu and asked if everything was ok to which Hantengu reassured her it was fine. Gyokko looked over from his own self checkout and noticed sweat forming on Hantengu's forehead. "Yoo-hoo! I need help over here!" He decided to call for the woman to distract her from Hantengu to take the pressure off of him. Hantengu saw hoodies with the stores name on them on a rack nearby and grabbed one to make it look like he was buying it. Loudly, he exclaimed, "ah, you know what, I decided I'm not gonna get this." And draped it over the camera screen in front of him. By the time the lady was done being distracted by Gyokko's eccentricity, Hantengu took his receipt and the men carried on. There was a receipt checker standing at the exit doors and a family of five who had a massive cart full came up on Hantengu and Gyokko's side. They timed their exit exactly beside the family so the checker wouldn't know which receipt to look at. Gyokko and Hantengu walked free.

Once home, they unloaded their frugal purchases and Gyokko noticed some odds and ends at the bottom of the bag. "Seriously?" He asked Hantengu. "I don't know how any of that got there." "Hantengu..." "I'm serious, I don't know how any of that got in there it must have accidentally fallen in. Maybe I grabbed someone else's bag?" The bag was full of chapstick, candy bars, a readers digest, an addiction counseling pamphlet and a package of watch batteries. "Hantengu what are you planning on doing with all of this?" Hantengu slammed the refrigerator shut and put his head in his hands. "I-I DON'T KNOW, STOP ASKING ME! I ALREADY TOLD YOU!" Gyokko noticed Hantengu was beginning to sniffle. "Hantengu... Can I touch you?" Hantengu just whimpered softly, mumbling reassuring words to himself as Gyokko carefully embraced him in a hug. "It's ok. Papa's got you. It's alright." Gyokko normally would never act like this and it certainly always seemed as if he had no idea how to, but he cared for Hantengu in such a way that he automatically shut down the usual shit show if it meant consoling his typically inconsolable partner. "I'll help you to the couch, you just sit down while I finish putting the freezer food away." Hantengu nodded like a nervous little boy and sniffed his fragile little way to the sofa with Gyokko. Once Gyokko finished putting everything up he called to Hantengu, "when you feel better do you want me to make you something to eat?" Hantengu wiped his nose and nodded. "Ok I'll make you something nice and tasty."

That's all for now, folks, another story will come soon! Thank you sm for reading!!

[lover-of-mine]

Lady Whistledown. You know what's funny is you automatically went to the karaoke scene because it's basically a joke to us now I get it. But they have better Buddie paranoid minds.

In Narnia..... You could release the footage without the music because yes everyone would watch it like a silent movie. You could also just release more footage because we all know there is more. You could release the medal ceremony footage of the Buddie with Chris. Even if Marisol is in it, who cares she's history now.

But the best one where I have to admit we sort of forgot about. Was the scene of why was Eddie watching them eat? Yes the show detoured a little after that. But why film it? What if they release that and it adds context to the GA that questions what was Eddie really thinking.

Stepping out of narnia.. I mean, I am not banking on any of that. But....... The fact they remembered the Eddie still made me laugh because I did sort of forget it. So don't let them fool you into thinking they aren't aware we have a lot of footage. Yes it could be used to bring the focus back to heavily Eddie and Buck and the weirdness of what makes them Buddie.

Hey babe 🩷

I mean, I go to the karaoke scene because it is the scene we asked Tim for but he said he can't release it because they would have to pay the licensing, it's the one for one comparison, but the way they are thinking about other scenes is so funny osskosksoskosksoskw I legit forgot about the still with Chris and Buck at the medal ceremony. It would be a nice treat, but then again, Marisol is on the scene so I doubt they would release it anyway. And I mean, let's face it, there are real chances there are Buck and Eddie scenes laying around on their servers, even that one scene from the bachelor party Tim released the script for works. But it is so true everyone would watch the karaoke even without the audio, we would go nuts anyway lol. But yeah, I'm not banking on unreleased scenes, and we have a lot on the show already so ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯ I wouldn't say no to a hair reveal from Oliver and Ryan in a nice behind the scenes video tho.

[24hoursofsarcasm]

White female cops are worse than the male white cops sometimes. I was pulled over for a minor traffic violation something simple as I didn’t put my new registration sticker on my license plate, but I had my new registration and sticker in the car. I explained to her because of the temperature the sticker wasn’t going to stick (lady at dmv said if the temperature outside wasn’t at least 33 degrees it wouldn’t stick) I never raised my voice and showed her everything that she needed to see registration, insurance, license. She ran my name cause why not I’m black I must have warrants 😁came back with nothing and me being the sarcastic savant I am say to her “now that was a waste of time wasn’t it” 🤫 should have just kept my mouth shut 🤐 right after I said that she says something to the effect of “so, you think this is funny?” and I said yes and she said “oh really” and I said “yeah really” then she asks me “do you mind if I search your car?” and I politely declined 😌. Then she hits me with the typical response “if you don’t have anything in the car then you don’t have anything to worry about”🥱 I politely decline again and ask “am I free to go?” She comes back with “your being detained until another unit gets here”😑. New officer arrives I’m still sitting in my car he approaches her 👮🏻 and I hear her say I was acting “weird” he walks up to my car and the same old script “how you doing tonight sir?” And I’m like “good” then out of nowhere he’s like “I know you don’t I ?” I look at his face and I’m like “Doug?” And he said “yeah!” Turns out me and this officer went to high school together, we weren’t close friends but we were cool hung out a few times he used to hang out with one of my buddies. So we chit chatting talking about classmates and catching up, so I’m like this is cool and shit catching up, but what’s up man can I go, and what’s up with her why she acting like that she didn’t even have to call for another officer, this dude tells me that she is racist and she thinks she’s the best female officer 👮🏻 on the street and that even if it’s minor stuff she’s running names and doing vehicle tosses. He also told me that some people don’t know they can decline a car search and she knows that, but when you do, like you did she’ll call for another unit to back her up so she can do a car search. He also said he hates backing her up cause he knows 7 times out of 10 that it’s something like this and her excuse every time is someone was acting “weird” and that’s code for I didn’t get my way to search their car and arrest another black person. He also told me that there’s a group of white female officers 👮🏻 👮🏻👮🏻👮🏻👮🏻that like only to go to black neighborhoods and fuck with them when they get certain calls just a reason to be more aggressive🤯😳 and I’m like woooow, but not at all surprised. So he sends me on my way and I can see her face when I pass, that bitch was mad mad 😡 and I was 🤣. So y’all be careful with these white female cops or cops in general not every story is going to end like mine.

[ejzah]

A/N: This is post “New Beginnings, Part 1” and assumes there’s a couple days between the end of the current case and Callen and Anna’s wedding. I know the timeline doesn’t really work, but I’m ignoring that for the sake of the story.

***

It’s Just A Little Food Poisoning

“You know, it’s funny,” Rosa commented as Deeks drove her to pick up a few supplies for the wedding. It was one of the times she’d agreed to relinquish her driving privileges since she’d earned her license.

“Hey, you should know by now that I like to sing in the shower,” Deeks joked at his own expense.

“No, I’m not talking about that. Though I didn’t know you could reach a note that high. It was really impressive.”

“Thank you. I’ve been practicing.”

“Actually, I was talking about Kensi. I ate some of your leftover shawarma—”

“Oh my god, are you ok?” Deeks interrupted, swiveling to Rosa with a concerned look. Kensi had been sick for three days straight and was still feeling touchy nearly a week later.

“I’m completely fine, Marty,” Rosa assured him. “That’s the thing. I ate quite a bit and I never felt sick at all.”

“That is kind of weird,” Deeks agreed, grimacing a little at the thought of both Deeks ladies eating his week-old leftovers. “Also, I’m really concerned about both of your tastebuds.”

“It tasted fine to me.”

“Just like your mother.” Rosa rolled her eyes at his teasing.

“Anyway, I just think it’s strange that only one of us got sick.”

Even stranger was Kensi’s newfound caution around food. He understood she was still squeamish off and on and didn’t want to risk another flare of symptoms, but he’d once watched Kensi consume a greasy bacon, egg, and cheese breakfast sandwich the day after a nasty bout of stomach flu. It was alarming to see her turn down a fresh Boston crème donut with a shudder.

“Yeah, me too. Well, hopefully it clears up soon, cause I don’t think Kensi can take another week of bananas and applesauce.”

[danketsuround]

sunday six!

typical monday six for me cause i forgot yesterday was sunday lol i was tagged by @four-white-trees and @overdevelopedglasses woo! thank you! i will tag everyone else i usually tag @c-cw-f-saeko @fire-tempers-steel @futilecombat @passthroughtime (think that's everyone? lmk if u want to be tagged/untagged) (share if you want don't if you don't as usual HI)

sharing something different cause i wasn't feeling well this weekend and i have this written already. little extra thing from two birds that expands on the letters kuwana and reiko wrote to each other. kind of long but i don't like it enough to post so just take the whole thing gosh!

To Kusumoto-san,

How are you? I'm sorry I haven't written yet. I just figured out how this works in the midst of moving around. Ehime is a nice place. Far, temperate. The people in Masaki are a little too friendly. Not sure I could say the same about Matsuyama, though, I guess that's the city to a stranger. It seems silly to say, but I hope you're making some friends, if you can.

When we first drove in, a seagull shat on my car. Right on the windshield! I almost killed us both. I know you just jumped at the thought, but we're really okay. Mitsuru made fun at me for getting so startled. He's a good kid. He's a lot like you and nothing like me. Thank God. Despite our differences I think we're getting along.

We came to Matsuyama for a bit. We wanted to pop in and see you but they told us it doesn't work that way. That day it really hit that you were in prison, and not just away on a terrible vacation. I guess I'll never get over missing you. It really upset Mitsuru, so I took him to do tourist stuff instead. It was nice because a lot of people visit those areas, so the wheelchair wasn't really a problem like it is on these gravely rural roads. We met the mascot, Mikyan, and took a picture with him. I'm sure it fell out when you tore open this envelope. Did you know Ehime is famous for its mandarins? They really won't let you forget it! The photo was just going to be of Mitsuru, but this lady behind me said she could take a photo of the both of us, and I got too shy to say no. I'd never do that! Maybe I'm a changed man after all. Anyways, you have the both of us now—though it wasn't like you didn't before.

Mitsuru gave me a haircut. I look ridiculous. You can see it in the photo, right? I would have done a better job blindfolded, but he seemed proud of it, so I kept it. His hair looks pretty choppy now, but not out of revenge. I just suck at cutting hair. Did I tell you that he's trying to get his high school diploma? What a dedicated young man you've raised. I technically still have my teaching license, so I've been helping. Feels good. It's weird. Whenever I help him, I remember why I became a teacher in the first place. Ironic, isn't it? I want to tell you everything but I'll save it for the next time we see you. I'm sorry for cutting it so short, but I have a favor to ask you.

The nurses in Ijincho explained a bunch of stuff to me about Mitsuru's condition and printed it out. It's expectedly massive. Sorry to be a pain, but would you mind taking a look at it and tell me what to do? Advice? I can't make sense of it all. Or maybe I refuse to believe it. Is he really hurt so badly? What does he think of all this? I wonder about it. I wonder about it a lot. He seems fine, but then I look at all his X-rays and blood tests and I don't know what to think. How do I get him too eat? To grab things? To smile? I'm taking it one step at a time, but these technical terms are a big hurdle. You can read it, right? You've always been so much smarter than me. I'm sorry again. I'm lost. Thank you. I'm running out of room. They've got a limit on paper for prison letters. Seems strict.

Mitsuru wanted to say:

M iSsyou Mo M

- Mi Tsu ru

He's got a damn strong grip on his pencil. You'd be proud.

Until then,

Yu

Kitakata,

It's good to finally hear from you. I'm doing as well as I can. You seem to be the same. I checked a map of Masaki to try and place you two. It seems like a nice town. Are you getting used to the short buildings and the little beach?

I've been friendly with some of the other inmates, and the seagulls here do the same, but I've been safer than you.

I got your picture. How cute. Your haircut isn't so bad, he did a good job.

I looked at the documents. I know what you mean. I expect you already know to use the feeding tube and how to bathe him. It's not surprising he did not respond well to the catheter. I wouldn't either.

Firstly, Mitsuru has anterograde amnesia. That means he has a very difficult time forming short term memory, even if his long term memory is intact. Remember when you told me he didn't know your name, even though you told him earlier? That's why. I'm not sure why he doesn't remember your face from before. I suppose that's a fortunate mystery. You may have noticed the nurses doing this, but if you tell him the same things over and over again, he'll have an easier time forming new memories. He knows what to call you now because you said it so many times. I'm sure he knows I'm in prison because the nurses told him many times, too. That's what I get.

I'm sure you're well aware of his mental health. He seems to go up and down a lot, I bet. Like his body, his brain is suck at seventeen. Doesn't he seem so... frozen in time to you? He's like an old doll, destined to be a kid forever. I'd be jealous if that was the end of it. The nurses observed that he sometimes behaves like a much younger child. Have you seen him suck his thumb? Does he tug at you when he wants your attention? Hug you at night? It's an acute stress response. He's defending his body from his mind—that's what that means.

Lastly, his food. It's not very difficult to do. Steam it for thirty minutes. If you lose track of time and think you've cooked it for too long, add another ten minutes. I did that when he was little. He hated vegetables until they weren't shaped much like vegetables anymore. He'd swallow his food whole to hurry up and play outside again, so boil it thoroughly. It should be the consistency of chewed gum or silt. Try it yourself, add salt if you hate it. He doesn't like broccoli. No broccoli. Like everything else, he's still relearning how to chew. Don't push him. He’s sensitive. You know that already, just like you know how to do all this other stuff. You have good intuition, and great memory, and it helps that Mitsuru seems to love you. Even still, don't push him. No broccoli. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Don't expect me to say anything else, I'll see you soon.

Kusumoto Reiko

[queen-ofsunflowers]

Day by Day - Chapter 7 Preview

Unpleasant Business

A few days after their work studies began, it had become obvious that Midoriya had let his guard down at school. However, before Ruby had the chance to confront him about it in class that morning, her attention was caught by something else.

“Holy crap, Kirishima! Take a look at this!” said Kaminari with a bright grin. He leaned over Kirishima’s seat, holding his phone out to him. “Your hero name’s all over the news sites today— it’s freakin’ crazy!” Wait, it was?! With a little burst of speed, Ruby was by Kaminari’s and Kirishima’s sides in an instant.

“Lemme see!” she said, unable to contain her excitement any longer. She leaned over her friends’ shoulders to get a good look at Kaminari’s phone screen. “‘Newcomer Sidekick Red Riot Bursts onto the Scene! He rescued innocent civilians and fought a villain on his very first patrol!’ Oh yeah, Yang told me about this.” She flashed a bright grin to her fellow redhead. “You were pretty awesome, Kirishima!” From behind her, Bakugo let out a growl.

“You act like he’s the only one!” said Mina, smacking Ruby playfully on the shoulder. She took Kaminari’s phone and pulled up another article. The picture under the headline depicted both Tsuyu and Ochako mid-fight against a villain with a gigantism Quirk. “Check out Tsu and Uraraka! ‘New Sidekicks at Ryukyu Agency. Two there for a work study.’ That’s so cool!”

Tsuyu and Ochako were over their shoulders in a second to get a look at it for themselves.

Ochako’s face had turned a bright shade of red as she stared at the article. “Wow, I can’t believe this is real!”

“When did they even snap that picture?” wondered Tsuyu aloud.

“Oh hey, you know what?” said Mina enthusiastically. “You might already have your own fan club like Mt. Lady does!” The thought of having a fanclub all their own made Ochako’s cheeks go pinker.

“I’m so jealous!” squealed Hagakure.

“And check on this one,” said Jirou. She twisted around with her phone in hand. “‘New hero in training at STRQ. She’s quick, cute and efficient. Even more importantly, she manages to get the job done.’ They included a picture of Rose too with one of the upperclassmen.” Ruby immediately rushed over, leaning over Jirou’s shoulder to get a look. Sure enough, there was a picture of her and Jaune on the top of the article, right after they had taken down that weird phantom villain the other day.

She didn’t even realize someone had snapped a picture of them in the first place.

“You have provisional licenses now, so the public sees you as heroes,” said Iida, snapping Ruby to reality. “I must thank you for your service. However….” Ruby let out a yelp as Iida pulled her back away from Jirou’s desk. “A student’s top priority should be academics!” Ruby sighed. He was right, but… just not what she wanted to focus on right now, if she was being honest.

“Yeah, let’s learn stuff! We got this!” said Kirishima, hyped up and turning to the others currently involved with work studies. “Right?” Midoriya grunted, just as fired up.

“Wait,” said Kaminari as Iida removed his hand from Ruby’s shoulder. “Did you guys tell us you’d been having trouble with your assignments lately?” That… was true. With their work studies, they were missing out on class time. However…

“The teachers said that they’d set up some extra lessons for us,” said Kirishima. That. Ruby suspected that it was a staple of the work studies that they would have to deal with for now. It was worth it, though.

“Maybe I should have checked into those,” mused Sero. “I am totally slipping.”

“Remember, we all learn at our own pace,” Momo told him from across the room. Sero huffed a sigh.

“Yeah, who cares, right?” said Kaminari, though he still sounded a little nervous about his grades. Ruby didn’t blame him. Her own test scores weren’t good either. Ruby softly laughed to herself. They were all gonna get them because of their work studies, but… As she passed him by, Ruby saw something… wrong with Midoriya. He looked down about something, but what it was…

The full chapter will be up on Ao3 on August 19th!

[raevenlywrites]

#reblog feral godmother#i would like to know how she and feral hogmother met#story#q

Funny story, really. I was following up on tales of a wild beast rampaging through the forest next door, just kind of a professional courtesy thing, making sure it wasn't one of my mine causing an undo ruckus, you know ( a due ruckus sure, I do work in feral magics, a certain amount of ruckus is par for the course - such as tearing up golf courses, go hog wild you have my blessing - but like you can't get classified as a natural disaster that's when Heroes start coming in and it gets messy)

So anyways, I make my way over to Woods-Next-Door and its really not that hard to follow the trail of smashed foliage and dented trees and shed clothing. And I'm like awww man this is one of mine and mentally flipping through my work calendar as I walk, trying to remember if any of my recent past clients had shown any signs of being too lost in the sauce.

And so I'm having a good walk-and-talk-to-myself, as one does, and suddenly I'm stopped by a chipmunk demanding a password. I'm like my dude I am a feral godmother and I whip out my godmothering license and I show him and its good for like the five surrounding kingdoms bc I dunno how far these kids come from seeking help ya know and he's like nah lady this is the WWEE I don't need your sticken license I need a fucken password. And I'm like thinking to myself I should turn this little shitstain into a human for a while and see how he handles thumbs and taxes but instead I reach into my bag and I'm like how bout a truffle and he takes the bribe bc of course he does and I continue on my way

So now I'm going through my mental roladex of past clients AND trying to remember wtf the WWEE is - its not a thing thats what it is but that rodent sure thought it was so whatever - and then I hear it. The most beautiful, terrifying, blood-curdling-but-somehow-still-in-perfect-pitch battlecry I've ever heard in my life-- followed by the sound of someone hitting a a sheet of badly dented plate armour with a folding chair.

Do not ask how I know exactly what that sounds like.

So I hurry on with a little more urgency now bc it sounds like the Heroes are already involved and maybe I'm about to have to save little Biffany from the wrong end of a lance--

And there she is, in a beam of sunlight (one painstakingly reflected into place by several tree dwelling forest creatures with lots of pieces of less dented but very shiny plate mail) - the most busted princess you've ever seen. This gal looks beat. She is bloody. She is muddy. She is wearing a pink dress that is more tears than fabric.

And she is wailing on a hog in a dress with a badly dented breast plate on over it.

The hog is clearly letting her have at it. She is keeping her center of gravity low, arms kind vaguely out like they might be menacing, but she's leaving her main body mass wide open. I know this hog knows how to fight, it is clear in how she holds herself. But Princess Busted Up is still screeching and hollering (all in perfect pitch, princesses are weird like that) and hammering on this hogfighter with that chair for all she's worth.

And under the sound of all that, small but ferocious, is the sound of dozens of woodland creatures cheering.

They're whoopin. They're hollerin. They're holding up signs that probably say "Go, Princess Whats-her-tits" except they're fucking rabbits and shit so its mostly just muddy paw prints on pieces of dried tree bark, but the scene is unmistakable.

WWEE

Wild Wrestling Ever Efter.

That's what the shirt on the kobold refing the match says. Misspelling and all.

Anyways I grab a bag of popcorn from the gnome slinging it, pass him a 10 spot and ask him to catch me up to speed. He tells me the hog in the plate is running kind of a therapy deal, kind of an underground fightclub, almost all entirely a racket. She goes out at night and stomps and shouts and smashes up a storm, pretending to be some kind of ogre or dragon or whatever, and the princesses "get themselves kidnapped" and come out to work off some frustration.

The local fauna love it. The underground betting warrens are insane.

I talk to the hog running it after the bout and offer to assist her with some of my feral magic bc if this doesn't call for a godmother intervention I don't know what does. Now the princesses can wish upon a hamhock and the feral hogmother will come quietly and discretely whisk them away to the WWEE for a night, and the Heroes Guild can sit the fuck put.

Its me, your feral godmother

[uniqueoneinca]

It's November

So, a lot of things have happened since I wrote. I am currently on disability due to my job. It's short-term, of course. I am really happy that I have some time to work on myself in dealing with what I get while at work. I have been being abused and feel stupid that I didn't realize it. I'm so used to trucking along through it all and just realized a few weeks ago what was happening. It affects you so much mentally when this toxic environment and narcissist boss happens. I did not realize that it happens as much as it does. I get on Reddit to look at the forums a lot and I saw so many posts that have a lot of the same situation going on. They even have groups about this shit.

I have a new psychologist and she said that I need to get out of the company asap. I need a job first, of course. I have been looking for about eight months and haven't found anything. I am still trying though, you can't give up. I told her that I would like to work on coping skills and my delivery. I have pretty much no filter and I say what is on my mind. Some people don't like that & others do like it. I like it when I communicate with people.

I talked to an ex-coworker yesterday and found out that she is now on disability as well due to the boss she had and I still have. She was fired by my fucked up boss about a year ago. A lady started working at her current job and is just like my boss and it brought back the trauma. That's pretty bad when you have been away from the person for that long. Mental abuse is rough. My boss needs to be stopped so she doesn't do this to anyone else in the future. There have been three people quit and two get fired due to my boss. It's disturbing.

My husband isn't a great support either. He tells me to suck it up. Way easier said than done. I don't need him barking at me while I am going through this. It's like double stress in my life.

I did get my health and life exam passed though, so this is great. Now I just have to do the livescan and apply for my license and I can sell health and life insurance. I have a company that I will be going through. I will see how that turns out. I planned on doing that part-time. I can't start until after I am off the disability though. I am on for a couple more months. I can do some field training in the process, but I won't be able to get paid. I have researched the company and it's legitimate, but they are like so overbearingly positive that it's weird for me. I don't get excited like they do. I have a certain way I want to do things when I am trained as well. I won't pressure people, I will educate them on their financial needs regarding life insurance and building wealth. I will have over 25 insurance companies to work with through the company I am going to be training with. I have a possibility to make a lot of money if I work real hard. The part I don't like is involving my family and friends. I always tell them when we will do a practice consultation they are in no way obligated and to say no and be firm. Sales people can't hound you. You can report them to the insurance commissioner with their license number.

While I was taking the test, it wasn't totally like the course I took to prepare myself, so I was thrown off. They use different wording in the exam. I'm just really happy that I did pass. It was like getting a C, but it's still a pass.

So, Trump won the election and that makes me super happy too. I was really worried about Kamala winning and am relieved that she didn't. The country needs to get better and Trump will help us get there. So many people hate him and it's unfair, but they don't hate him as much as they thought, because he got voted in.

[teaboot]

A good thing to keep in mind is start big, zoom in closer.

If you're calling me, I'm probably on the property as stationary guard, foot patrol, or operating cameras, so what you want to specify first is what area I need to be in or look at so I can start moving. I get a lot of calls that start with, "so, I was outside about an hour ago, and Beth said that she saw..." that's gonna be useful backstoryin a bit, but I'm already moving. Actionable information first.

------

Example of a Bad Call, Foot Patrol: "Hey, so, I was coming in earlier today and I saw this lady walk into the bathroom with a big bag, right? And she seemed kinda off, but I thought, you know, whatever, right? But then I heard a customer say that they went in after and saw her sitting on the floor and it smelled weird, right? So I waited like twenty minutes and then knocked on the door and nobody answered, but I know someone was in there cause I could see their shoes under the door, so I knocked again and asked if they were okay and they said they were okay, but it's been like an hour and she's still in there but now she's like passed out and I can't wake her up"

Why?:

As soon as you said "this lady", I knew there was a person involved. 'Person involved' and 'calling me' makes me think, "Medical emergency or threat". My heart rate is up and I need to know why. All I want is for you to skip ahead to what you need.

Non-urgent backstory. If someone is passed out and unresponsive, they may not be breathing. Their heart may have stopped. Lungs and blood carry oxygen, oxygen keeps cells alive. Four to six minutes without oxygen and we're looking at brain damage. If there's evidence of drug use we need to tell paramedics.

Example of a better call: "I need you at the women's washrooms. A lady's passed out in there and isn't waking up."

Why?

Fast, efficient, to the point. I was on my way to you when you said "washroom", and I can call someone else for a first aid kit and AED while I'm moving or when I get there. The details of the emergency can be assessed from that point and if I need any other information I can ask.

------

Example of a Bad Call, CCTV Coverage: "There's a guy running around flashing people, and we don't know where he is."

Why?

Not enough information. What is he wearing? Anything that makes him stand out from the crowd? Where was the last place he was seen, and when? Different areas are on different monitors and I need to narrow down the last concrete window so I can backtrack if I need to. If he's already fleeing the area this might be the only shot I get at identifying features, direction of travel, a license plate, or evidence of assault. Who witnessed this? When?

Example of a better call: "A guest says a man in a red shirt and sweatpants flashed them in the lobby ten minutes ago, and I can't find him."

Why?

I have a description of them and a last known location. I can start looking straight away. I might ask if they have a last seen direction of travel if I need to, but if I can't find the guy immediately I can rewind back to his last confirmed location and trace his path from there. I'll be able to tell you in a few minutes if he's still in the area or if he's gone and we can proceed accordingly.

------

Again, if anyone with more experience here can add or correct, please do!

Yo I can't speak for 911 dispatch but working on the ground here are some tips for calling or radio'ing help:

First: Give information in the right order. 911 WILL ask, before anything else: City? Police, Fire, or Ambulance? They need to know who they're sending and where. If you're calling me (mall cop) I know you're looking for security presence, so my assumption is that either we don't need 911, 911 has already been called, or I'm about to be calling, so this part isn't always required.

Second: Location. I can't do shit about the five-foot-six Caucasian female wearing green shoes breaking into your car if I don't know where your car is.

Third: The most distinctive thing you see. Trash can on fire? Yellow truck got busted? Body on the ground? Person brandishing a weapon?

Fourth: If the issue is a moving target, pick the most distinctive trait about them first. Something that can be seen at a distance. "Wearing jeans" is not as useful or as distinctive as "orange baseball cap" or "coveralls". "Truck" isn't isn't useful or distinctive as "brown pickup, busted fender".

Fifth: At this point someone is on their way looking for what you've described, but they're still listening. Now is the time to add details. Heading north? Carrying a weapon? Additional clothing, descriptors, etc.

If you are calling emergency dispatch, don't just start talking. They will usually ask for what they need in the order that they need it.

If you're calling for security or CCTV surveillance: Location, distinction, details.

Note: I've only been in the industry a few years but I get a lot of people giving bad descriptions or misordered ones so I thought I'd put out a general PSA, but if anyone with more experience here has anything to correct or add on, please do

[atozphantomsquadron]

Chapter 4: Trinity

January 15th

It feels like we’ve been driving for years.  I can see on the calendar that it’s only been three days, but tell my ass that.

Gabe has kept us in nearly constant motion ever since we left the Ranch.  When we stop, it’s only for the quickest gas and potty breaks.  Food hasn’t been a problem, as Gabe has a mini-pantry set up in the cargo area of the truck, with a lot of travel foods, non-perishable canned goods, sodas, and (unsurprising, since this is Gabe we’re talking about) several kegs filled with Colombia’s finest.  What’s really driving us crazy is the inactivity.  We’re desperate to do anything.

Of course, Gabe warned us that we wouldn’t be allowed much leeway as to activities on this trip.  Blueshirts are everywhere, stopping traffic, questioning people off the street, and just generally making life a living hell for supernaturals who might still be hidden.  At every gas stop, Gabe is questioned.  The last one, just inside the Colorado border, was the most nerve-wracking, as Gabe had to quickly improvise a story about us being his “nieces.” 

Gabe is a horrible liar, but it worked, and the blueshirt left us alone.  Now we’re nearly to the New Mexico border, continuing on our way to Trinity Site.

Michi taps me on the shoulder.  The glove feels weird against me.  “Hey Alanna, what do you think’s going to happen when we get there?”

I shrug my shoulders as much as the seat belt will allow.  “Not sure.  I doubt there’s going to be a lot of folks around, I wouldn’t want to hang out there.”

Gabe looks over at me hesitantly.  “Don’t be so sure, Alanna.  There are many things in heaven and earth that you cannot know, not until you experience them yourself.”  He gets a weird expression on his face when he says that.  I wonder what that’s supposed to mean?

“At any rate, Michi,” I continue in my reply, “we’ll need to be ready for anything.  I’m going in assuming that we’re going to have to fight.”  I clutch the Sword, reflexively.  Thankfully, I’ve been able to leave it in the truck when we’ve made stops, although I feel defenseless without it.

My grip on the Sword grows tighter as I look ahead of us and see all of the traffic starting to back up.  Roadblock, got to be.  I turn to Michi.  “Turn it on, girl, we’ve got trouble potentially ahead.”

She nods and presses a button on her watch.  In order to hide the gauntlet, Gabe happened to have a spare Holographic Self-Image Projector with him in the truck, which he immediately gave to Michi.  When it turns on, you can’t tell there’s anything different, unless you know about the gauntlet: it disappears, leaving her with a normal-looking left arm.

The problem, really, is her wardrobe.  Michi is the type who always wants to be ready for action, which means full range of motion.  She eschews shirts for this reason.  If the blueshirts start questioning why the girl in the back seat is wearing a tiger-stripe bikini top with cargo pants, we’re going to have trouble.

The traffic inches ahead for what seems like another eon, until finally there’s only one car in front of us.  We can all see the complement of this traffic stop: sixteen blueshirts, most of them packing, stand on either side of the lane of traffic.  They question the occupants of the vehicles, use a flashlight to search the cars, then wave them forward.  It’s almost like a border patrol stop in this sense.  There’s even the camera which records license plates.

The car in front of us is waved on through.  It’s our turn now.  Nerves are at their tightest.  Gabe has his sunglasses down on his eyes, and puts on his best cordial smile as the blueshirt approaches.

“Good afternoon, sir.  Are you travelling alone today?”

Gabe smiles, giving the lines he’s practiced all day since we had the last stop in Colorado.  “No sir, I have my nieces with me.  We’re heading out for a camping trip.”

The blueshirt strokes his chin.  “I see.”  He bends down to look in the window, so that my eyes meet his.  “Young lady, are you with your uncle?”

I nod and try to smile.  I hate these bastards.  God, I just want to unfurl my wings and rip this douche’s face off … “Yes sir, he promised me and my sister some good fishing.”

The guard looks back further into the truck.  Michi sits like a statue, a grin plastered on her face.  The blueshirt shines his flashlight back into the cargo area and spots Gabe’s hoard.  “All that for a fishing trip?”

“It’s going to last a while,” Gabe responds within a heartbeat.  The blueshirt’s face shows that he’s not buying what we’re selling.  He motions for one of the blueshirts on the other side of the car to open the tailgate.

“I apologize, sir, we’re going to have to look in your cargo area.  We’re looking for fugitives, and we need to make sure you don’t have any.”

Gabe nods.  “Nobody but us in here, sir.”

The tailgate opens.  My heart is fluttering.  We can hear the blueshirt rooting around in Gabe’s stash.  He’s getting a little rough with everything …

Michi yelps.  There’s a hand, really tightly gripping her shoulder.  “Hey, what the hell?!”

Gabe takes that as his cue and floors the gas.  The tires squeal, and before the blueshirts can draw their weapons we’re burning rubber across the Colorado-New Mexico border.  The blueshirt is still in the truck, though, he’s got a death grip on Michi.  I turn around and punch the guy.

He doesn’t flinch. 

Crap. 

He’s a supernatural.

His eyes go completely back, and I’m suddenly struck with the sensation of a boa constrictor wrapping up my arms.  I can’t reach for the Sword, even if I wanted to.  Michi’s face shows she has the same problem.  Gabe is swerving, trying to shake the guy loose.

We don’t want to hurt him … after all, he looks like a victim too.  There’s a small scar right above his temple, on his forehead.  We’d heard rumors about some blueshirts being controlled ...

And his voice … he finally erupts with his voice.  “Stop the vehicle now!”

It’s like ice shattering across my soul, while a railroad spike is driven into my eardrums.  The voice is meant to incapacitate, and it might have done that to Gabe, because the truck’s starting to slow down.  I can see, through the open tailgate, two SSA cars, their bright blue paint jobs sparkling in the late afternoon sun, speeding up and preparing to overtake us.

Michi, meanwhile, has managed to wriggle her left arm loose.  She slaps it across the blueshirt’s face.  “Concussion!”

The blueshirt blasts out of the back of the truck, right into the windshield of one of the pursuing cars.  That car veers off the road.  The second one revs its engine and accelerates, not being impeded by an injured, brainwashed supernatural in their laps.

I shake Gabe, trying to work him free from the trance.  No luck.  I jump into his lap and slam the accelerator down.  The truck picks up speed, and we start pulling away from the SSA car.  “Michi, give me a hand here!  I need help!”

Michi grunts and turns around, aiming her hand like one would aim a rifle.  She hunches her shoulders.  “Concussion!”  I think that’s the only spell she knows under stress right now.

I watch in the rear view mirror as a concussion wave warps the air, directed toward the SSA vehicle.  It impacts, crushing the car.  I yelp and start slowing the truck down.

Then just as suddenly I’m speeding back up, as I watch in the mirror as the car reassembles itself and resumes pursuit.  Another supernatural must be one of the passengers.  Crap!

Michi is looking pale.  The gauntlet must have taken its price for usage from her.  “Michi, are you with me, girl?”

She shakes her head.  “All the way.”

“Grab the wheel!  I’m gonna finish this!”

She crawls up into the front seat.  I’m opening the sunroof, and once work out the awkward body positions, I’m popping up.  When my upper body is clear of the roof, I unfurl my wings and let the laws of physics do their job.

The heavy draft created by the speeding truck flings me up and out.  Just like I predicted, the SSA car continues its pursuit, zooming along right beneath me.  I don’t bother flapping my wings, I just let them glide me to the ground, much like a parachute.  As soon as I touch the ground, I watch the SSA car do a 180 and start speeding toward me.

This is it.

I’m as ready as I ever get.

I’m not ready to do this.

Am I ready?

Damn it, I have to do it now!  I draw the Sword.

My consciousness is instantly away from the dusty New Mexico road.  I’m in a lush landscape.  There’s several Guardsmen … I can tell from the armor … standing around, awaiting my arrival.  When they notice me, they approach.

There’s too many of them!  There has to be a thousand people here, all of them Sharpes, all of them eager to welcome me into the Sword’s fraternity.  There’s women here too.  Women that look like they’re from all the ages of civilization, judging by their hairstyles.  Most of them are men, though.  All of them are in various versions of the Guardsman’s armor, and many have wide smiles on their faces.

The widest smiles are reserved for two Guardsmen, one male, one female.  They approach me with open arms.  I feel myself tear up as they get closer.

“Mom?  Dad?”

They encircle me with their arms.  I do the same.  I haven’t seen both of my parents together in nearly three years … this reunion is too happy for the circumstances which created it.  Then I remember … these aren’t my real parents, it’s the memories of their time as holders of the Sword.  It’s their Guardsman selves.

“Alanna, welcome.  You are now the Swordbearer.”

I start to hyperventilate.  “But I don’t want to be!  Dad, please, this is your Sword, you need to be the one …”

Mom interrupts me.  “You are worthy, Alanna.  You are the first Guardsman to be the child of two previous Guardsmen before you.  No matter how you look at it, it’s in your blood.”

I’m starting to cry.  “But I’m not ready … Dad, you were supposed to train me … you promised me you would … until …”

Dad nods and hugs me gently.  “I know I did, sweetie.  But I need you to know … if you’re bearing the Sword now, at your age, it’s because I’m gone, or because I’m in a place where I can’t be the Guardsman.”

“How will I know?”  I’m hyperventilating.

“You will find me, Alanna.  Trust Gabe and Michika.  They will help you.  Others will be coming to your side as well … have faith.  For now, though, you need to claim your birthright, and fight.”

Dad motions me toward a peculiar doorway.  There’s a shimmering light coming from it.  I look over at him, but he’s only smiling.

“It’s time for you to face the enemy.”  He kisses my nose, then pushes me through the doorway.

I open my eyes, and realize that I can’t talk.  Nor do I really want to.  I’m standing on the highway again, the dust is circling me, and the Sword is out in front of me.  The SSA car is quickly bearing down on my position.

My body doesn’t even need commanding, it’s already acting.  I stand in an en garde position, Sword up and ready.  My eyes narrow as the car approaches faster.  It’s almost on top of me …

I slam the Sword’s point into the ground, blade facing outward.  The car’s bumper hits first.  I realize that I’m going to be okay when the car completely splits, the two halves roaring away from me.  They eventually stop their forward momentum when the engine dies, and the two halves fall over.

The doors are popping open.  I’m ready.  One blueshirt is running toward me, weapon drawn.  I swing the Sword, splitting his gun. 

It’s regenerating … this is the supernatural that was in the car.  I slice at the gun again.  It regenerates again.  He raises the pistol and fires, point-blank into my chest.  I barely feel it.

Okay, time to fight the man rather than the weapon.  I’m sorry.  I don’t want to hurt you, but you’re forcing my hand. I swing the Sword and back him away.  He responds by drawing a knife, trying to parry my attacks.  It works for a while, until my swings become too fast for him to compensate. 

I swing and hit him with the flat of the blade, in the arm holding the knife.  He drops the knife, which slices against his leg.  The wound starts bleeding.  So apparently he can regenerate inanimate objects but he can’t heal flesh.  That works to my advantage.  I raise the Sword up and thrust deeply into his head.

No!  Wait!  I don’t want to kill him, just stop him!

My body has been following its own commands for a while now, with my consciousness being basically along for the ride.  This act horrifies me, until I see that there’s no blood.  I lift the Sword out of the blueshirt’s head.  At the tip, there’s a very small piece of electronic equipment, a computer chip really, dripping slightly with the supernatural’s blood.  I slam the Sword down to the asphalt.  The chip lays in two pieces, separated by a cleave-mark.  It sparks and then finally dies.

The supernatural’s eyes clear up, like he hasn’t been awake for a long time.  He rubs his eyes and looks around, confused.  “Where am I?  Who are you?”

I sheathe the Sword.  When I escape the armor, I’m vaguely aware that I have the start of a migraine coming on: my main concern right now is for this supernatural.  “What’s your name?”

He’s still trying to shake the cobwebs loose.  “Jerry Tile.  The last thing I remember was being laid out on an operating table … what the hell am I doing out here?”

I’m about to answer when Gabe’s truck pulls up behind me.  Michi jumps out from behind the wheel, followed shortly behind by Gabe, who is just now coming back around.  I offer my hand to Jerry.  “My name is Alanna Sharpe.  These are my associates, Michika Salem and Gabe Francis.  We’d like to help you get away from the New Empire.  Interested?”

Jerry looks at us all wide-eyed.  He nods.

“Good.  Michi, do the honors.”

Michi approaches the man.  “Don’t worry.  This shouldn’t hurt.”  She grabs the sleeve of the blue shirt he’s wearing.  “Chromorph.”

Various colors swirl around in the fabric, changing and re-changing, but always staying away from the color blue.  When Michi lets go of the shirt, it’s now …

“Maroon?  Michi, are you sure about this?”

Michi looks over and chuckles.  “Absolutely, Alanna.  It’s my favorite color.  Don’t worry, I’m just following Dad’s instructions.”  She turns back to Jerry.  “I’m going to send you to my family’s property.  They’re going to shuttle you to safety, where the New Empire can’t get you again.  Do you trust us?”

Jerry, amazed by the transformation, seems too shocked to believe it.  He sighs.  “Do I have a choice?”

“Not really,” Gabe chimes in.  “Michika, if you please.”

Michi nods.  She’s also pre-emptively wincing, so I know this is going to hurt her a lot.  She places her gloved hand on Jerry’s forehead.  “Transport!  HIPS Ranch!”

Jerry flashes out of sight, teleported to the Ranch.  The last expression on his face looks like thankfulness.  We’ve just rescued him from Hell.

Michi comes back to our sides, grimacing.  She’s even paler now: the transport spell is taking its toll on her.  I help her back into the back seat of the truck, then return to riding shotgun next to Gabe.  He starts up the truck, and we continue on our way to Trinity Site.

It takes an hour for me to bring up the obvious question.  “Gabe, why in the hell did you not tell us that there were supernatural blueshirts?”

He sighs.  “An oversight.  I thought you knew, though.  Supernaturals that are not killed by the SSA are captured and taken to a holding center, which I have no knowledge of its location.  They’re programmed to become SSA agents, through microchips like the one you destroyed.”

I roll my eyes.  “Well, that’s just great!  I have to fight my own kind, too?”

Gabe smirked.  “You saw what happened.  The Sword won’t harm those it identifies as allies.  Right now, that would be supernaturals.  On the other hand, it will harm things that it perceives are enemies … like the control chips.”

I’m seething.  Gabe pays it no mind and continues.  “In a nutshell, Alanna, you can fight supernaturals, and go at them full-strength, because there’s no way you’ll be able to hurt them.  All you’ll be doing is setting them free.”

Now that he puts it that way … I sigh and rest my cheek on my fist, looking out the window at the New Mexico desert, as sunset creates a blast of orange and dark colors against the landscape.

[every-bad-thing]

You Meet a Gorilla

( "Unhappy big gorilla eating" by Tambako the Jaguar is licensed under CC BY-ND 2.0. ) The day before your birthday, you find out you have to fight a gorilla and you have to win. This is certainly news to you, but your parents say they've been talking about this for months, don't you remember, and while you don't, you just nod and say oh yeah I do because you're afraid you'll get in trouble if they find out you weren't listening to them.

Then you ask why you have to fight a gorilla, and your parents look surprised and say don't you know? Everyone has to fight a gorilla when they get to be your age. They did it, your older brothers and sisters did it, your neighbors did it, even the nice old lady who works in the candy shop did it. You're not sure if you believe them, but you ask your older brothers and sisters, you ask your neighbors, and you ask the nice old lady in the candy shop and they all tell you, yes, when they turned the same age you're about to turn, they too had to fight a gorilla and win. You're shocked, but think maybe they're all playing some sort of prank. So then you ask some of the older kids at school and they say yeah they fought a gorilla on their birthday and look at you kind of weird for even asking. At recess you ask your teacher whether she ever fought a gorilla when she was a kid, and she says of course, everyone does. She points to a scar on the side of her face and says that was where her gorilla bit her, when she was about your age.

You go to the library and ask the librarian, someone who always smelled like the old sweaters in your basement, and he grins and says it looks like someone's got a birthday coming up soon. You're showed a book that explains how people have been fighting gorillas on their birthdays for generations, supposedly starting with some guy named Sir Francis Nanergrab, though the book says there's a lot of doubt he was really the first. It showed a picture of this Sir Francis Nanergrab, and he was missing an eye, an arm, and his entire lower jaw. You slam the book shut and run out the library without even putting it away.

You cry for a while, both because you're scared you have to fight a gorilla, and you feel stupid for apparently being the only one who didn't know you had to fight a gorilla. At dinner you ask your parents again why you have to fight the gorilla, and they tell you again that it's because that's what everyone does when they're around your age. You say, no, no, that's not what I mean, and then ask why is it the thing that everyone does, and they tell you it's just how things are, so then you say why do kids have to do it anyway, it seems stupid, and then your parents get really mad at you and say that if they had to do it when they were young, you have to do it now. One of your big brothers says he doesn't know why you're making such a big deal out of it, and to quit being such a baby about the whole thing, and your parents actually agree with him, even though they say he should be nicer about it. You can't sleep that night. As you lay awake, staring at the ceiling, all you can think about is how big and scary gorillas are and how you never ever want to have to fight one but everyone is going to make you tomorrow. Eventually, you see the sun rising through your window and realize you got no rest at all. Your parents come in a little while later and say it's time to get up.

When you come to the kitchen, the table is piled high with all your favorite breakfast foods. You're not hungry. Your stomach hurts from being so nervous. But then your parents get mad at you again, saying they worked really hard to make this meal special for you, and you're really hurting their feelings by not eating it. You take a few nibbles here and there. Your parents say you should eat more, you'll need your energy for later, but that makes you even less hungry and you tell them sorry but you can't eat anymore. One of your parents asks if this is still about the gorilla, as if they expected you'd forget about it overnight, and when you nod they say you must stop being so silly about this and that this is a big day for you.

Instead of going to school, your parents take you across town and at first you think you're going to the grocery store, but then they turn and you realize you're going to that big boring building next to the grocery store, the one you always saw but never really thought about when you'd drive by it. You refuse to leave the car at first, grabbing onto whatever you can to stay where you are, but your parents are too strong and they drag you outside, then drag you across the parking lot, then drag you through the door, then drag you down the hall to meet someone they call Mr. Talbot, who they say is the town Gorilla Master.

( "Warehouse" by micurs is licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0. ) Mr. Talbot doesn't look like the kind of guy who'd force kids to fight a gorilla. He has kind, gentle eyes and a warm smile. He kneels down and holds your hand in his, which you find to be warm, dry, and a little rough. He says he knows exactly how you feel, how he was nervous too when he was your age, but was just fine, and when he gently squeezes your hand you notice he's missing three fingers. You yell and scream, saying please, no, please, no, over and over again, louder and louder. Mr. Talbot shakes his head and smiles, says there's always one every year, then with surprising strength drags you into a dark room in the back. It's a little bigger than your garage and smells like a petting zoo. You look up to the man and beg him to please let you go, that he doesn't really want to do this, but he just puts a whistle to his lips and blows a shrill piercing cry.

At the other end of the room you see a pair of blinking eyes shimmer in the dark. They get closer until, out from the shadows, steps the gorilla. It's huge. It opens its mouth wide and lets loose with a mighty roar as it beats its chest with fists as big as your head. Mr. Talbot shouts "FIGHT!" and the gorilla charges.

The next few hours are not your best. You never, ever try to fight the gorilla. Instead you just run and dive and duck and dodge and do everything in your power to avoid it. Mr. Talbot yells at you from the sidelines, saying to be tough, to face your fear, telling you that all the kids at school will make fun of you if you don't fight, but you're still running. The gorilla keeps chasing you in circles around the room and your heart is pounding against your chest and your breath is coming out like fire and your legs are feeling like jelly but still you try to get away, you are not going to let this gorilla catch you even if you have to run forever.

But you can't run forever. You get tired. You get slower. And the gorilla is getting closer.

( "'Nother Gorilla" by TomConger is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0. ) Right when it's about to catch you, Mr. Talbot blows the whistle again and the gorilla stops, then returns to the shadows, leaving you gasping and wheezing on the floor. Your parents come in and cross their arms and say they are VERY disappointed with you. Every single kid when they get to be your age fights the gorilla and wins, why can't you? Between deep breaths you say there was no way you'd ever beat a monster like that, especially when you don't have any weapons at all, but your parents say they both fought gorillas even bigger than that when they were your age and they had no problem. Mr. Talbot said the gorilla he fought when he was your age was ten feet tall and he was still able to kill it in just a few minutes. Why can't you? Everyone else can, after all. Your parents say maybe they'd understand if you were, like, dying of cancer or were born without arms or legs, but you're a healthy normal kid, so why can't you just kill that gorilla like a healthy, normal kid would?

You don't know the answer. All you know is that you can't. You wonder what's wrong with you, if it's really supposed to be so simple. You can tell your parents, in their heads, are wondering the same thing. Still, it's over. For today at least. In the car ride back, they say they have never, ever seen someone act so immature. You'll never get anywhere in life, they say, if you can't kill one little gorilla in hand to hand combat. It's very important to your development. So that is why, they say as you pull into the garage, you will be returning to Mr. Talbot tomorrow, and the next day after that, and the next day after that, on and on and on, until you've slain that gorilla like a proper young person should. And until you do, they say, no more video games. You didn't expect it to, but that's the part that hurt the most

https://www.instagram.com/every_bad_thing_ever/ https://twitter.com/AllThingsHorrid

[dangermousie]

@aysekira #nobody wins in this drama seriously#had royal nirvana not come out i'd pegged this as the (if not one of) most realistic 'ancient royal' potrayal(s) in my mind#also you just know i have a penchant for WJS because his niche of playing 'villainous' dad actually made my heart sing#got to the point where i feel weird seeing him playing a good guy dad in NIF#&then went 'there he is' seeing him in fu yao&ingenious. HEH.#the glory of tang dynasty#大唐荣耀

I have the hots for the evil dad. He's my personal GFILF tho he's usually playing such scumbags! That scene in Fuyao where he tells Wuji as he's dying (after doing his best to break him in every possible way) that he, Wuji, will now be lonely forever but that also dad has given him all the love he had to give (while fully knowing Wuji is not his child) - it's one of my fave ever drama scenes.

For a show that started with crossdressing hijinks, The Glory of Tang Dynasty really decides to dive into bleakness quicker than one thought possible. Not that it didn't give you warning - that opening with the fatuous old king beating the drum for his concubine intercut with a whole clan getting exterminated and his crown prince on his knees? One of the best drama openings of all time imo.

And I do love that nobody wins - they are all either dead, exiled, permanently wounded by life (Linzhi just peacing out, wanting to forget she ever was married or knew anyone in the imperial city - my god. And she and Li Tan show that it doesn't even matter if you don't vie for power, you will still be ground down - Li Tan was than unicorn of a prince who had no interest in power and was all about supporting his brother the crown prince potential and all he wanted was to chill it in his mansion with his lady wife and he still got destroyed) or lost what makes life sweet.

Li Chu unlike Luo Jin's tormented Crown Prince in Royal Nirvana, does not lose his battle for the throne - in fact he ascends to the top dog position. But it is no way a victory - not only is the country a wreck, on a personal level he loses everyone he's ever cared for. His beloved brother is executed by their father (!), his friends are dead, and in the end he loses the love of his life. Someone else once pointed out that the drama ends the way it opens - with Li Chu watching the most important woman in his life (mother in the beginning, wife in the end) walk away from him forever and not able to stop it and that has sort of haunted me since then.

Honestly, it's a crime this drama has no Engish subs because it's so good and it really does have a stacked cast you'd expect to result in subbing (Allen Ren, Jing Tian, Qin Jun Jie, Mao Zijun, Wan Qian.) I guess it had the misfortune to come out in 2017 when viki switched from fan channels to licensed only and so no fansubs but it was before almost all cdramas ended up subbed by various official entities.

Daddy the Crown Prince: Divorce your wife! Her reputation is ruined and everyone is talking about her being in a brothel. Who cares none of it is her fault.

Li Tan: Like hell I will! I may be terrible as an emotional support but apparently I am way better than most men in this benighted story because I AM CAPABLE OF BEING ABLE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IS SOMEONE’S FAULT AND WHAT IS NOT.

Daddy the Crown Prince: Just thank God you have no children or the reputation of our whole family would be implicated, the kind of gossip those kids would have about who their father is! Too bad I don’t know my own wife is gonna give me a baby not my own.

Stepmom: heeheehee

Li Tan who apparently discovered his inner feminist: Stepmom, you are a woman yourself, how can you be OK with this idea? Also, Dad, what if someone had gossip about stepmom having a baby not your own, you’d just divorce her?

Stepmom: heeheehee

Daddy the Crown Prince: Did you forget the bit where I divorced your mom the royal wife and sent her to a nunnery to please daddy? I don’t know where my sons learned their ability to put others above themselves but it’s not from me.

Li Tan: I am NOT divorcing her.

Daddy the Crown Prince: Let me kick you some. In fact, the way I am handing the whole thing being enraged and abusive and as comforting as a boulder definitely shows where you learned your lack of healthy family interactions or how to comfort someone from. I mean you being able to be genuinely in love is already pushing the bounds of probability, kiddo, emotionally open marriage would be a step too far. At least you are not a freak like Li Chu, who actually can communicate within relationships.

Li Tan: ibid.

Daddy the Crown Prince: OK, I am gonna use really small words. Either you divorce her and kick her out and her life gets saved, or you drag it out and grandpa emperor is gonna send down a decree for her to hang herself. You can slut it up with concubines and whores, but your wife is supposed to be pure.

Li Tan: Fuck. What else did I expect though. I am played by Qin Jun Jie and thus my lot is to suffer.

[sparklyslug]

Vampire Eddie vampire Eddie (in the dead of night love bites) :D :D :D

Both shivering and sweating, he opts to throw on an old flannel over the concert shirt, hoping that’ll somehow help his body get back to regulating itself. It doesn’t, really, but Eddie’s always been a little more comfortable under a few layers. He leaves the rings on his fingers and fishes his wallet and chain out of his discarded old jeans. His drivers license and crumpled couple of bills might be about as helpful as the flannel, but he finds them similarly comforting.

He grabs another bandana out of the drawer where he keeps them stacked and kind of folded. Doesn’t put it in his back pocket though, opts to instead knot it around his neck, bandito-style. The skin there feels raw and hyper-sensitive still, where a demobat tail had wrapped around it and hauled him to the ground. Little late to protect himself there, but he doesn’t want it exposed either.

Ta-da. Ensemble complete. He really wishes it felt better. But fortunately, he knows something else that might.

He hasn’t seen his beloved girl since hauling himself in here, but unfortunately remembers throwing it by the TV after his Metallica set. So it’s on the other side of the chasm, if it’s still in the trailer at all. Fortunately, there are other lovely ladies in Eddie’s life. He could pretend that she was too old to really be worth pawning, but Eddie knows the truth: he could never bring himself to get rid of the acoustic guitar he first learned on, the sweetheart who unlocked the whole world for him in the first place.

She’s woefully out of tune, which works out fine. Eddie likes this process, likes to lose himself in the feeling out of tone and sound, nudging things along until the strings fall into perfect tension and balance. Has always found it soothing, and has had worse things to tune out than the way his fingers are shaking and his teeth feel like they’re jangling together in his mouth. So he can handle this. Settle his nerves, settle his body, and then– then he’ll figure out what to do next.

He keeps playing once she’s roughly in good shape. Not quite a melody, more just. Plucking. Strumming. Seeing what warbling chords he can coax out of her, this shadow twin of his first love. Like he’s reaching for something, a sound, grappling his way towards an effect he can’t name.

In a weird way, it’s like he expected it, when the first bat flaps right into the trailer. He doesn’t stop playing for even a second when it lands heavily on the arm of the couch next to Eddie, nasty little jaws clicking, eyeless face turning this way and that like it’s trying to figure out what the fuck it’s doing in here.

Eddie can relate. But that solidarity isn’t enough to keep him from reaching out, hand rock steady and lightning fast, grabbing the bat by its freaky long neck and bringing it right to his teeth. He doesn’t even have to let go of the neck of his guitar with his other hand as his eyes roll shut, sudden strength in his fingers holding the bat still as he bites down and drinks deep.

He’s too awake, right now. Too clear on what’s happening, too– too relieved, even as he gags a little on the murky sour taste, the oily consistency.

He heads out of the trailer after a little while, leaving five demobat husks on the floor, guitar slung across his back and Wayne’s favorite Colts hat jammed over his hair. It was on this side of the gate after all, on the floor just a foot away from the jagged edge. That’s all he takes with him, for now. Maybe he’ll come back this way, maybe not, but he doesn’t see much point in weighing himself down with anything else. He feels a little better. Fuck shit goddamn Jesus H Christ fuck goddamn it, but he can’t deny that he feels a little better.