#she will return periodically because i refuse to kill her off because that's just lazy

[lokiinmediasideblog]

I have begun writing the Frigga time loop chapter as well as coming up with other plot points I am quite excited about. But I am stuck on how to get Loki in trouble to get put in there. I have been stuck writing a failed attempt to either trick Sylvie or escape with her again. And there's the whole, how the hell do you get such a skittish character trust a character famed for deceit? That's challenging. I am wondering if I should just have her be like "Hell no." and just yeet the fuck out of there. I will if I get lazy enough.

[sparklingchan]

Sun and Stars | Johnny Suh (NCT 127)

Pairing : Reader (fem.) X Johnny

Word count : 10k+

Warnings: A few cuss words here and there , gets a little suggestive towards the end. Not proof read sorry 

Genre : Fluff,angst,romance , friends to lovers au ,college au.

Description: Johnny has no idea that you are head over heels for him - you intend to keep it that way.

A/N: I’ve been working on this fic for around a week now and I am sooo happy to finally be able to publish it (Johnny in a college au  makes me feel a type of way ngl) This is the first time I’ve ever written a fic with more than 3k words so I’m not sure how its turned out so anyone who reads the entire thing,know that i am so,so grateful to you .

Also shoutout to my best friend @chogiwow​ for helping me out with writing and desrcibing and everything else. LY <3

Enjoy!

Johnny Suh has a habit of biting his nails when he is nervous, you have noticed , his eyes focused on whatever is directly in front of him and his leg fidgeting up and down continuously.

You have seen him look nervous on many occasions before - like the day of exams, sneaking alcohol to on campus events , group discussions with professors - but nothing will ever top the way he looks right now ; like he's standing on the edge of a bridge, ready to bungee jump.

"I told Professor Yun to give us at least a month and a half to organize everything properly but that man just plain refuses to listen to me because I bunked his class once !" Mark Lee has a big mouth ,that's public knowledge, but when he continues to pace inside the empty auditorium, you find yourself getting irritated at his non- stop comments .

"Has anyone else tried to talk to Yun about the extension of the date ? Someone who doesn't bunk his classes? " Lia asks, her arms crossed in front of her chest. You have seen your roommate look serious before but right now she looks almost as if she's about to go on a killing spree.

"Didn't y/n go to him yesterday? I remember seeing her near the staff room with him. " Johnny points out and suddenly all eyes are on you.

Your cheeks flush at the mention of your name from his mouth. //

The tense atmosphere in the auditorium was already making you uncomfortable enough but now , with the unwanted spotlight on you , you feel as if your body has been squeezed into a car's trunk.

"Umm.." you stutter,playing with hem of your oversized Linkin Park t-shirt, "yes. I did talk to him but he said no to me too. He didn't even let me explain our situation."

Mark groans loudly, his head between his hands. "We are so doomed. The authorities are going to remove me from the position of the president of the student body! I can feel it coming."

"I don't know about anyone else but I enjoy my position as the vice president of the student body council. And I am not going to give it up because you shitheads were too lazy to get things done quickly." Ryujin says , her eyes flaming with fury.

She's been running after all the student body members to start working on the upcoming inter college sport events for a whole week now . It's not her fault that the other members are starting to realize the urgency of the situation just two weeks prior to the event.( including the president, Mark Lee). She has the right to be angry.

"Okay ,everyone calm down. " You say, reluctantly,not wanting to be the centre of attention. You lick your dry lips before beginning to speak again, "We've wasted enough time worrying and talking okay? Let's go over the list of duties assigned and we can resume working again. "

"We just have two weeks, y/n. There's still so much left to do. We've barely started yet. " Ryujin whines, placing her head on Jungwoo's shoulder as he tries to shake her off.

"I know but if we work hard for say even ten days,we can get things done. We can stay back after college gets over and work and then rest on weekends. Exams are not arriving anytime soon either. "

"I agree with y/n. The event is next to next Monday so if we do overtime then we can still pull it off,despite everything." Johnny agrees , looking over at you with a charming smile. But instead of returning the smile, you look away ,cheeks tinted red.

Have you always been this nervous around him or does it have something to do with the sudden glow up he has had over the summer break? You don't know.

"Fine. Okay." Mark speaks out, "Jungwoo, can you go over the duties once again? And if possible take a picture of it and send it on our group chat. "

Nodding to Mark, Jungwoo takes out a sheet of paper from his pocket and starts reading it out. "So um... Mark and I are working on sending out invitations and collecting names of participants on the day of the event. Ryujin and Yuna are leading the decorating team. Lia,Taeyong and Johnny are working on the food stalls area and the packaging of free snacks for the participants. Jaehyun , Haechan and Doyoung are on the sound team for the DJ show after the events are over and lastly,Yeji, Chaeryong, y/n ,Yuta and Taeil are participating in the events so they will be busy with practice but we do expect them to manage the things overall and help us after class. "

Jungwoo looks out of breath after speaking for so long ,his chest heaving with each breath and his shoulders slumped.

"Okay, guys that will be all. Remember to do your jobs in your free periods and stay back after college." Ryujin says, clasping her hands together to symbolize the dismissal of today's student body meeting( more like a group stress out session).

You pick up your books and swing your bag across your shoulders while Ryujin pokes Jungwoo's cheeks with the sole purpose of annoying him but he flicks her fingers right away.

As you reach the exit of the auditorium, laughing at the bickering duo beside you and your hands reaching out to open the door , you see Johnny jogging up to you hastily and pushing the door open before you could.

"Ladies first." he says as he gestures for you to walk out , a sweet smile plastered on his lips.

Your heart hammers against your chest.

"Thank you." You murmur , avoiding his gaze as you walk out of the comfortable, air conditioned auditorium and into the scorching hot campus of your college.

You've always been this nervous around him, you realize, ever since you guys met in the first year of college - despite being a part of the same friend circle.

And how could you not? There are no books, no tutorials, no classes to teach you how to behave in front of your crush.

The student apartments are a good thirty minutes away from the college campus, and with the increasing velocity of Lia's car, your desire to flop down on your soft, cozy bed increases too.

"Yo ,anyone up for a girls night out tomorrow night? " Ryujin asks from the passenger's seat,not looking up from her phone. You see her fingers scrolling through the various new resto bars in town.

"Count me in. I am bored of eating Yeji's horrible food. " Chaeryong replies ,earning a punch from Yeji.

"If you're so good at cooking ,why don't you get your ass out of bed and cook?" Yeji spits back,rolling her eyes.

You laugh at your flatmates' childish tactics.

"Anyway, I'm in too." Yeji sighs, resting her head on your shoulder,sleepily.

"Yeah, me too!" Yuna chimes in.

"What about you ,Lia?" Ryujin asks her friend in the driver's seat.

Lia narrows her eyes at the road in front of her ,but you know for sure her mind is going over the pros and cons of going out tomorrow night. You've been her roommate for three years now ; you know her basically like the back of your own hand.

"I guess so,yeah." Lia says , changing the gear and turning over the corner into your appartment street.

"Okay ,that makes five out of six. Y/n?" Ryujin looks back at you , her pleading eyes drilling into yours.

As much as you want to relax and go out tomorrow night ,you have a busy schedule. Swimming practice for the sport events in the morning ,classes throughout the day, helping out with the organization and a study date with Yuta late at night. You are packed tomorrow.

That and you didn't want to get drunk on a week day.

"I'm sorry guys,I don't think I'll make it. I promised Yuta I'd study with him. " you say . Your flatmates groan out loud,throwing you dirty looks for ditching them for a stupid study date.

"Why does Yuta want to study with you anyway ? Your majors are like poles apart." Yuna mumbles.

Frankly, you didn't know why he wanted to study with you either. You were a computer science engineering student and his major was performing arts. But it's been a tradition between you two for quite a while now. Maybe you've gotten used to comfortable silence with him when you study , like music playing in background, not loud enough to distract you but loud enough to help you focus.

"Maybe it's not a study date with Yuta after all. Maybe it's just an excuse to see his roommate,right ,y/n?" Yeji teases ,nudging your ribs with her elbows.

You blush for the nth time today. "No. I'm going to have a normal study session with my best friend. Can y'all please not make everything about Johnny?" You huff.

You regret telling them about your fat ass crush on Johnny that one eventful night when you had so much alcohol that you couldn't even recognize your friends' faces as they carried you home. You should have just had apple juice or something.

Thankfully before the conversation could go on further , Lia pulls over in front of your apartment and you sigh in relief. "Yayy Home!" Ryujin chimes with fake enthusiasm as everyone gets down from the car.

Your shared bedroom with Lia is a little smaller than the bedroom that Yeji, Ryujin and Chaeryong share but you've never had a problem with that. It's cute and warm and it reminds you of your room in your parents' house .

"I'll shower first." Lia declares as she grabs her towel and walks straight into the bathroom. You sigh,too tired to compete with her for a bath. You drop on your bed, nuzzling your face into the soft pillow ,feet dangling by the edge of your bed.

And by the time Yeji walks into your room to ask what you want for dinner, you are already passed out ,with the image of Johnny's breathtakingly gorgeous grin on your mind.

Have you ever watched those cheesy rom com movies where the male lead lives in a dorm with five other boys and their rooms are so clean you wouldn't find a single piece of clothing out of place?

Well, reality is a bit different from that.

You stand in front of Yuta's apartment door which he shares with Johnny , Mark, Taeyong and Taeil , after your flatmates drop you off and make their way for their night out . You shiver as the cool night air kisses your bare arms and you can only hope someone let's you into the apartment before you freeze to death.

"Oh,hey y/n! " Taeil opens door with a welcoming smile , gesturing you to walk inside.

"Hi, Taeil. Took you guys long enough. " you say shivering , narrowing your eyes at the boy in front of you.

The smell of burnt pancakes hits your nose the moment Taeil locks the door behind you and your gaze immediately shifts to the kitchen where Mark and Taeyong are trying to desperately save some burnt pancakes.

"Well can you blame me? " Taeil shrugs , eyeing the two boys .

"Figured. " You say as you make your way towards Yuta 's bedroom . You hear Mark and Taeyong yell a few ' Hi's ' and 'wassup's ' in your direction and you reply to them without looking back at their sorry faces.

Yuta's ( and Johnny's) room is like a second home for you. You don't often hang out here but there's a homely feeling in the warm colored curtains and the smell of Johnny's favorite perfume and Yuta's anime posters.

"Wrong room. Johnny is in the other room." Yuta comments when you enter the room and you throw your notes at him,earning a fake groan in response.

You sit on the edge of his chair , putting out your books and notes on his study table, while he sits in a far corner of his bed , his study material spread out in front of him.

Studying with Yuta is always turns out to be productive for you. You both rarely talk while studying , your minds completley immersed in the hastily written notes and the only sound in the room being the scratching of pens against paper.

Maybe this was one of the many reasons why you preferred to study with him in his room (and totally not beacuse of Johnny who you are yet to meet).

After two and a half hours of being knee deep into your books ,you finally slam the books shut and stretch your limbs,relief flushing over you after looking at the many topics you covered tonight. You mentally pat yourself in the back.

"You done?" Yuta asks when he sees you scrolling through your phone, humming a song you'd heard on radio the other night.

You nod,not looking up at him.

He's about to add something when you hear the sound of shuffling feet outside the door , followed by a series of soft knocks. There is only one man in this apartment who could knock on a door as tenderly as that.

"What do you want ,dickwad?" Yuta yells as he falls onto his pillows. You glare at him. He's taking away your chances of seeing Johnny tonight. "Y/n is busy!"

Johnny peeks in through the door , his jet black hair messy and damp as if he'd just walked out of a shower. He wears a grey hoodie and a pair of black sweatpants yet he manages to look like he'd walked straight out of a sportswear advertisement. God really has his favorites, doesn't he?

"Hey, y/n. " he says ,completely ignoring Yuta's less than appropriate remarks. You feel a warm feeling spread in your entire body , adrenaline coursing through your veins. He sends a soft smile in your direction , his eyes turning into crescent moons ,and it is enough to make you feel weak in the knees.

"Hi, Johnny. " you manage to reply and smile back , unlike most days.

Johnny's heart leaps at your response ,not expecting you to be any different from other days when you would reply his enthusiastic greetings with a cold shoulder. Guess today is his lucky day.

"I didn't mean to disturb you guys ,sorry. I just wanted to know if you'd like to have dinner with us. We're getting Sushi. " he asks ,rubbing the back of his neck.

Your eyes fall on the sunflower tattoo on his forearm and you have this sudden urge to wrap your arms around his slim waist and bury your face in his chest.

"Yes,sure,I guess. " you say with a slight chuckle.

"Aren't you gonna ask me,too ,Johnny?" Yuta chimes in ,pouting and batting his eyes at him. Johnny rolls his eyes.

"Shut the fuck up ,Nakamoto. " he huffs.

Johnny looks over at you again and in a tone very different from the one he just used on Yuta, he asks, "Are you okay with sushi? We can order something else if you want."

"Oh,I love sushi! Don't worry about it. "

Lies. You hate sushi more than anything else in the entire universe.

The sushi is a lot more digestible today than those million times when Jaehyun and Yuta took you out to eat (forcefully) sushi.

It still doesn't suit your taste buds but you could eat it without wanting to throw up,thanks to the company you have .

You and Johnny sit face to face on the dining table while Yuta sits beside Johnny and Taeil ,Mark and Taeyong are in front of the television, watching a game of football.

"Hmm..this is really so good." Yuta exclaims as he takes the last piece and stuffs it inside his mouth . Fat ass.

"I know right. How are you liking it, y/n?" Johnny asks , his eyes shifting to you. You feel as if you're melting under his gaze. As if his eyes were the sun and you were ice.

"It's good. Really good. " you reply with a chuckle, forcing the last piece down your throat with a sip of water.

An achievement.

You hear Yuta's phone go off ,vibrating in his pockets along with that annoying ringtone of his.

"Yeah,what?" He speaks into the phone. You figure out it's one of his classmates by the careless tone of his voice.

"What the fuck? Are you serious?" Yuta screams , his voice now laced with urgency. His eyes widen, "We have a class test tomorrow? How did I not know about this?"

You look over at your panic stricken best friend and so does Johnny . Your gazes meet and the two of you burst into giggles.

Yuta rolls his eyes at the both of you but doesn't say anything. He gets up from his seat ,his phone still attached to his ear.

"Johnny,my dude,please walk my best friend home. I can't trust the others. Please. " Yuta says to Johnny and disappears off to his room , and you know for sure that he's going to cram his notes till the next morning.

Yuta's words lingers in the air between you and Johnny and you find a sudden interest in the hem of the table cloth in front of you. You rub the cloth between your thumb and forefinger ,the muslin cloth's soft texture distracting you from Johnny's intimidating gaze.

"So,um..when would you like to go back home?" He asks , not being able to muster up the courage to look into your eyes.

You chuckle- you didn't mean to but the bubbling laughter erupted from your throat and reached your lips before you could even stop it.

"Why? Do you want me out of your abode so bad? " you tease.

You never tease Johnny. You never even joke around with him. You don't smile at him ,you don't chuckle at him. Yet here we are.

You were being very brave today and you hated to admit it , but you liked it.

Johnny's eyes widen at your unexpected response as you once again surprise him by not giving him a cold, careless response. His heart does a backflip.

You have your lips curved up in a smile and your eyes focused on him.

This feels like a dream, to both of you.

"No, no ,of course not. You can stay for as long as you like." He replies nervously.

You shake your head with a soft giggle, " Thank you for the offer but it's very late now. All of us have a busy day tomorrow so we should get going now. "

The night air is cooler now than it had been when you arrived at the boys apartment and you regret not wearing warmer clothes.

Johnny walks along with you on the sidewalk, his eyes drifting to look over you once in a while. He carries your bag in his because he insisted that a lady shouldn't have to carry so many things when he's right there.

"Why do you never talk to me unless I talk to you first? " Johnny asks in a small voice after a few minutes of leaving their apartment.

Your body stiffens at the question, your mind desperately trying to come up with a proper reply. You want to answer him , with all honesty , that you can't do many things that you want to because of your never ending fears. You want to go bungee jumping but you're afraid of heights , you want to talk to him first but you're afraid he won't share the same enthusiasm as you.

You were afraid of attachments and afraid of the unknown, both of which were complete opposites of the other.

"That's not true." You reply,trying to laugh it off.

He looks at you with sorrowful eyes, not quite returning your laugh. You feel your heart clench.

"Have I done anything to offend you ,y/n? If yes ,then please let me know because I really care about you and I would hate to disappoint you. " he says.

The streets are quite and calm and for a moment, it is only you and Johnny in this vast universe - his beautiful black eyes and your warm cheeks , his tousled hair and your nervous hands.

"No ,you haven't disappointed me. It's just...that we're in a big friend circle and it's not possible to ,you know ,be close with everyone. "

That is a pathetic excuse, y/n, you tell yourself.

His lips curve up in a small smile now, the worried wrinkles from the corner of his eyes disappearing.

"We can be, y /n. Of course we can. Shall we start from now on then?" He replies , enthusiastically, thrusting his hand in your direction.

Your heart thumps at a speed faster than the speed of light as you decide whether or not to shake his perfectly shaped, veiny,soft hand.

You're afraid of attachments.

But you're also madly in love with Johnny Suh.

You take his hand.

It is late in the evening at your college and you know for sure that you'll be bashed the moment you step into the auditorium .

After classes got over ,you had promised Lia that you'd help with the food stalls allotation and decoration but you ended up staying back with your swim team ,discussing strategies for the final competition day , hence causing your delay.

You look over at Johnny who stands outside the auditorium door , helping the decorating team with some posters and flyers.

"Mark is mad." he says when he sees you rushing towards the door, struggling with all the books and posters and ribbons in your hands.

You sigh, " I know, goddamn it."

He opens the door without saying anything and walks behind you into the auditorium, much to your surprise.

You see Mark standing by the stage , letting out frustrated noises and pointing at random decorations which didn't need fixing but according to him they did. Oh , boy,was he mad.

"Mark, " you jog towards him, trying to get a proper hold of things you are carrying before you find a table to dump them on.

"Gosh,y/n! You are an hour and a half late! We have so much to do and only ten days are left!" He yells at you,pointing at his wrist watch.

You squeeze your eyes shut to lessen the impact of his annoyingly loud voice.

"I know, I know. I'm sorry. I was with the team and well..we lost track of time. I'm so sorry again ,okay? I'll get to work right now. " you say,standing in front of the angry,tiny man in front of you.

You arch your back, trying to hold on to the things in your arms without letting anything fall onto the ground. You had one too many things to carry and sadly only two hands.

"I'll get that for you." You feel two hands grab your things from behind,the arms going over your shoulders and taking the chart papers and ribbons from your hold.

And you don't even have to look back to know that it is Johnny. You have him memorised by heart - from the color of his eyes to the softness of his fingertips, from his soothing, honey like voice to his smell. He's like a book you've read a fair amount of times yet ,you never seem to get tired of it.

"Thank you. " you manage to reply through the loud sound of your heartbeat and gushing of blood in your ears.

You almost miss the warmth of his body when he walks away to put your things on the table .

You know what , " Mark starts. He looks like he's about to throw up. On you. "Just get back to work. Ew. Fuck. Y'all really getting handsy in front of my innocent eyes."

You look at him with wide eyes. "Hey, we were not - "

And if Ryujin had not interrupted you at that moment, you'd have beaten the hell out Mark Lee ; not because he had accused you of doing something you didn't do but because he had triggered a part of your imagination you didn't even know you had.

It is on the same night that Yeji makes you sit on the auditorium floor and color the huge college logo they had been outlining since the morning , while half of the squad goes out to buy some cheap dinner and cold drinks and the other half is working outside the auditorium.

"I can't believe you are leaving me alone in this huge auditorium. " you mutter when Yeji jogs towards the door to join the others. So much for being friends since childhood.

"We'll be back in fifteen to twenty minutes, y/n. " she replies. " or do you want me to call Johnny to keep you company in this huge ,empty auditorium?"

You roll your eyes at her,hoping she's joking about it. But apparently not because within two minutes , you see Johnny walking up towards you.

His presence as if automatically puts a smile on your face ,like flipping on a light switch. You usually tense up on seeing him but from the last few days, things have been different, better even.

"Woah,this looks so cool." He says as he sits across from you, a pen and notepad in his hands. He smiles at you with so much sincerity that it takes everything in you to not throw yourself at him and press a kiss to his dimples.

"I know. But I'm afraid my poor coloring skills are going to ruin it. " you comment. You dip the brush in your hands into the bowl of water sitting beside you.

"I'm sure it'll be good. It looks good already." He replies, his voice laced with fascination. You giggle at his words , as you stretch your hands and back, groaning from all the pent up tension in your joints. Something you wouldn't have dared to do in front of him a few weeks ago.

Johnny laughs. " I can help you if you want . You can rest till the others come back. " You don't even think twice before agreeing.

As long as he's near you , it doesn't matter.

He comes up to sit by your side ,grabbing the paint brush and starting to fill colors into the blank spaces. With his eyes focused on the picture , you sit back and take in the view in front of you. The long sleeves of his tshirt are rolled upto the elbow, exposing the veins on his forearm. There is dirt and dust on his pants from all the work he's been doing today and then your eyes fall on his face, absorbing the handsome features god had bestowed him with. You notice a few strands of longer hair falling over his forehead, covering his eyes as he struggles to remove them with his non dominant hand. And before you can stop yourself , your fingers find their way to his forehead, pushing his hair away softly.

"Thanks,y/n." He says with a shy smile, the undeniable shine in his eyes almost makes you see a ray of hope - that Johnny Suh might be harboring the same feelings for you that you do for him. Your heart swells with excitement.

And without even realizing it, you feel yourself find comfort in his warm presence.

Your middle school maths teacher had once told you that time passes in the blink of an eye when there's an imminent danger at the end of the line and truly so ,the next few days fly pass by like wind and you soon find yourself running from place to place to make sure all finishing touches are done.

"Did you check out the pool areas and basketball bleachers? " Jaehyun asks, as you two make your way to the auditorium where Mark and Ryunin were to hold a last group meeting before tomorrow's big day. "Yeah. I did. Twice." You reply, stressing on the last word. Jaehyun heaves a tired sigh and you two turn a corner to walk toward the auditorium.

Your heart rate picks up when you see a familiar face standing in front of the door, leaning against a pillar. And you find your lips automatically stretching into a smile. "What is he doing outside ? Is the meeting over? " Jaehyun asks when he notices Johnny.

You shrug , "Don't know."

Oh,but you do know why he's outside ; this has now become an unsaid tradition between you two to wait for the other during group meetings. Johnny didn't acknowledge it,neither did you, but it was there, as distinct as Mark Lee's voice.

He sees you and his face breaks into a grin, his cheeks flushed and heart racing just like yours. And it makes the light at the end of the tunnel shine brighter.

"Is the meeting over yet?" Jaehyun asks Johnny, you following close behind.

"No,not even started." Johnny replies and then turns to you, his eyes burning into yours. " And Y/n and I have been instructed to buy tonight's dinner so we I'll borrow her for a while."

Your eyes widen at the new information but you see Jaehyun shrug and walk inside as if it weren't a big deal - but it was, you will be out alone with Johnny and it was making you feel sick , in a good way.

"Shall we get going?" He asks you ,cocking his eyebrows playfully.

You nod ,trying to hide your red cheeks. And he sees them.

You've been into his car only a a few times , most of which you don't remember because either you were too drunk or too sleepy to register what was happening around you. This is the first time you are actually inside his car,mind and body, sitting in the passenger's seat and taking in Johnny's smell that lingers in every corner of the car.

You notice how tidy the car looks,the clean seats and windows, no extra tissues lying here and there, no money receipts crushed into seat pockets, his car is everything Lia's isn't. The drive to the convenient store is short and silent - except for a few glances you both steal at each other without the other knowing.

"What should we get? Instant noodles or something else?" He asks you as you two look around the different aisles, walking close together that you didn't even realise your shoulder was pressed to his arm till he stopped abruptly in front of the fridge.

You clear your throat, "Let's get instant noodles. That's what they eat always anyway."

He nods and you grab enough instant noodles and drinks for your entire squad and soon find yourself back in the car with him.

You settle yourself into the seat as he climbs into the driver's seat,looking apparently angry, his eyebrows knitted and mouth turned into a frown.

"What's wrong? " you ask him ,concerned.

He looks over at you , with a small, guilty smile on his lips. He shakes his head , "Nothing. It's a ridiculous thought I had suddenly. "

"Come on ,tell me ." You whine , hitting his arm softly, "I'm sure its not a ridiculous thought. "

His smile widens but he doesn't answer ,instead he just leans toward you, Your faces just inches apart. If you were nervous before now you are completely sure you're about to lose your mind. You had imagined these scenarios in your head many times before ,but if truth be told, it feels way better in real life. The close proximity of your bodies , mixed breathings and his intense eyes staring at you like you're his favorite pizza, like you're a sunday morning after a very tiring week , like you're a beautiful flower in the middle of a field of weeds.

"W-what?" You stutter nervously. He chuckles , stretching his hand out to reach for the seatbelt and pull it across your body and then locks it tightly.

"It is a very , very ridiculous thought,y/n." he whispers. He is still leaning so close to you and you know for sure that if you weren't sitting already ,your knees would have given up below you.

"I'm sure it's not." You mumble but you're not sure if he hears you.

When you reach the auditorium, you find your friends sprawled on the floor, some playing with their phones and some having a mid college existential crisis.

"Guys,we're back. " Johnny announces enthusiastically as he runs towards the group, all of their faces lighting up when they see the food your hands.

But you feel far away from them, like you are there but your heart is not,like your heart has been left behind in Johnny's car,covered in his scent and his intoxicating gaze.

"Y/n, why do you look like you've seen a ghost? " Lia points out that night , lying on her bed with her blanket wrapped around her body. You shrug and let out a fake ass shit giggle, "No, I'm just nervous...for tomorrow, you know."

"Don't be. I'm sure you'll do great and even if you don't, we have an after party to wash all your sorrows away. " she says with an excited smile.

"Oh wow,that's great. " you reply with another fake chuckle.

Oh wow, you'll have to be around Johnny the whole day tomorrow. You are not sure if you are ready to see him yet.

Lia narrows her eyes at you but let's it slip,and you're thankful for that ,for you wouldn't know what to tell her when she insists on knowing your thoughts.

Could anyone blame you though, you'd had an almost moment with your crush. How could anyone expect you to be okay right now?

The weather prediction for today was sunny with a few clouds , but if only anyone could have prepared you for what you were going to see the moment you stepped into the college campus.

You'd felt jealous before , no lie there. You remember the time you saw Johnny hanging out with Yeri, one of your juniors, and laughing with her like there's no tomorrow and you had never wanted to annihilate a human so bad . You hate being jealous. You hate the burning of your heart in your chest ,the accumulation of sweat on your palms, the warm,angry breaths you push out from your nostrils.

"Who is that?" You sound like a bad , jealous female character from a drama when you ask that question but you cannot help yourself anymore. Not when you see a girl from another college running into your Johnny's arms ,giggling like a little girl .

"I-I honestly don't know. He never told us about any girl ." Taeyong says as he looks at your exasperated expression and then at Johnny's excited face. Taeyong is almost angry at Johnny for hurting his friend.

"Yea,he only ever talked about you ." Jaehyun adds from beside you.

But it didn't seem like that from where you stood. You see Johnny wrap his arm around the girl and crush her in his embrace, just how he'd crushed your heart into a million pieces. Something as fragile and previous as your heart and he decided to play with it? Why did he act all nice and sweet to you when he already had another woman in his life? Why did he give you hope only to leave you in the dark?

"Come on , y/n. Don't overthink about it. I'm sure she's just a friend." Taeyong says ,softly tugging at your arm to move you away from that scene.

Taeyong and Jaehyun, in reality, were shocked too. They had never heard Johnny talk about any girl in that way but you. They were sure one day or other,you'd end up together. They were as surprised (and disappointed) as you were.

"Has he ever told you that he liked me? Even once?" Your voice cracks as you feel your eyes fill with tears. "Maybe she's not just a friend. "

Jaehyun rubs your back comfortingly, worried about how he'll have to handle Yuta when he finds out Johnny broke his best friend's heart. Gosh,its going to be a world war.

"He has never openly said anything about liking you ,but he did talk about you a lot. Even until yesterday...we were sure he liked you,dude." Taeyong says .

You shake your head, "If he did like me ,he'd have told you guys. He doesn't and that's the end of it."

And although it shatters your ego , you look away from the pair and walk toward the swimming pool complex where your team awaits you.

When you enter the pool area, Taeyong and Jaehyun immediately run toward the audience to be with the others.

And you find your gang-sans Johnny- waving at you from the audience as you walk up to the registration desk and put in your name.

Your heart feels so heavy ,like those dumbbells that Yuta uses ,but a thousand times more heavier. You have no desire or energy to swim anymore. You just want to lie in bed and cry your heart out.

But sadly you didn't have much of an option..

"Good luck, y/l/n. Go easy on the opponents." Your coach tells you with a chuckle. You force a smile as you nod. Talk about overestimating one's skills.

You enter the changing room and quickly strip off all your clothes ,leaving you in your tight Speedo swimsuit . You tie your hair in a ponytail and are about to head out when someone bumps into you ,quite roughly to be frank.

"Watch out ,girl,jeez. " you mutter to her,rubbing your sides.

The jealousy from a few minutes ago comes back but this time not in the form of drizzle, this time it's a whole storm.

It's the same girl from before, the one with Johnny.

"I'm so sorry. " the girl says ,looking back at you with an apologetic look.

She's pretty,you realize. Long black hair and a mole under her eye ,she looks like she could be a model in training somewhere. Long eyelashes , a slim waist and perfectly smooth looking skin ,she has everything you ever wanted ,including Johnny Suh. She's pretty ,prettier than you at least.

"What's your name?" You don't want to know that name ,yet those words spill out of your mouth.

"I'm Joy. From the performing arts college." She thrusts her hand towards you for a handshake. " and you?"

"I'm y/n. " you reply ,the frown on your lips never once leaving .

"You're swimming too ,right? It's going to be great!" She says.

"Yeah,its going to be really great. " you take her hand.

You can't have Johnny ,but at least you can have the trophy.

*

The four basic stroke races get over within the first one hour of the competition and needless to say ,by the time the relay race was announced , you had three gold medals already in your possession.

"Relax your body." Your coach tells your team of girls while you stand in line,ready for the relay race to begin. "Y/n, since you're going last , put in all your energy. We need to win this last round to get the grand trophy."

Directly in front of you, you see your two other teammates stand and stretch their arms by the pool’s edge , their faces bright with a hint of excitement and nervousness. Beside them ,you see Joy and her other pretty friend getting for the race too. With her tight red swimsuit and perfectly done forearm tattoo , she has everyone's attention on her. And you bet that everyone in the audience was rooting for her.

You nod at your coach's words while he turns around to speak with your partner as you once again look at your new mortal enemy, your teeth gritting unconsciously and your gaze turning more into a glare.

"Yayyy!!! Y/n,let's get it!" You hear your friends cheer from and you giggle for the first since this stupid day began. Mark ,Yuta and Taeyong are cheering for you on top of their lungs while the girls are holding posters with your name written on them . You wonder when they had the time to make them. And the rest of the guys are clapping their hands like there's no tomorrow.

Everyone except Johnny.

He sits in between Mark and Haechan, his eyes practically glued to your frame and your eyes meet his for an annoyingly long second, he smiles at you and mouths 'best of luck .'

You look away from him ,your body burning with rage. So now he's going to pretend to know you? Or maybe he wasn't waving at you at all,maybe he is just looking at Joy and your self absorbed mind assumed that he was looking at you? Possibilities are infinite but time is not; time is very precious.

"You guys have to win okay?" You hear the coach say one last time , before patting you on your heads and walking away.

Somewhere behind you ,you hear a stand by whistle go off and your team mates on the opposite side immediately walk up on the platform.

"On your marks."

Thump.

"Get , set."

Thump.

"Go!"

The race starts off pretty smoothly, your teammate cutting through the water as if this is everything she'd ever known ,her speed unmatched with anyone else's. And when she reaches your side,your partner immediately jumps off into the water , the steady speed still maintained.

The next few seconds pass fleet away in the blink of an eye and soon your turn comes up ,you realize, as you climb up to the platform ,bending over to take a diving position.

And when your body hits the water ,you feel all the anger ,rage, sadness, envy being channeled into strength and energy. Your body moves against the waves like that it what it was meant to be doing ; not running, not walking but swimming.

Your ears block out all noises around you,your mind focusing on nothing but the finish line.

And the very second your hand touches the wall on the opposite side , your body relaxes and your head pops out of the water like a cork. The audience erupts into claps and cheers and whistles and your name being repeated on everyone's tongue.

Panting and smiling and fist pumping together at the same time is tiring but you do it anyway.

After all,you'd just won your team the swimming trophy.

You feel a little light headed but it doesn't affect you at all ; you had proven yourself in front of your friends and teachers once again .

Johnny and His lovely Joy can go eat shit for all you care. ( you do care about Johnny , you're just being stupid rn)

"I'm so proud of you , baby !" Ryujin helps you up from the pool while the other girls engulf you in a hug ,not minding the fact that your entire body is dripping wet with the chlorinated pool water.

The guys arrive shortly after and Yuta presses a loving kiss on your head, "Congratulations, bitch."

But amongst the crowd of people surrounding you, the pats on your back and side hugs,the happy faces congratulating you, you feel almost empty. Like something was missing. Like the last piece of an almost completed puzzle .

Your eyes scan the people around you , looking for none other than Johnny and when you finally spot him, your heart breaks even more as if it already wasn't completely smashed into tiny pieces .

Joy has tears of failure running down her face and Johnny brushes them away with his thumbs, her head finding a comfortable place on his shoulders.

You'd always wondered what it must feel like to be in such an intimate situation with Johnny. You had wanted to experience it ,first hand , but by the looks of it, that might never happen.

Beacuse you winning the competition is not more important than Joy losing it.

Beacuse you are not more important than Joy.

"What do you mean you don't want to go to the after party? " Yuta has been hanging out with Mark way too much, you think. His voice is almost,if not more, as loud and annoying as Mark's now.

"I don't feel very good. Can you please drop me home? Then you guys can go and have fun." You reply, not quite looking at your best friend. You're afraid he'd be able to read through you , just how he always does.

"This is not about you , is it? It's about Johnny. Taeyong and Jaehyun told me." There he goes.

"Think whatever you want. I just want to be alone for a while, please." You say.

He pauses the music playing in the car, tugging at the sleeve of your tshirt.

The image of Johnny and Joy flash in your mind ,still fresh even though it happened a almost five hours ago. You remember how tenderly Johnny had held her and how lovingly Joy had stared at him.

���I really thought he liked me ,you know. I don’t even blame him right now. I should have known better than to get attached,break my oath of forever maintaining distance from him. “ you speak in a hoarse voice, the lump in your throat growing painfully.

Yuta stares at you for a few seconds,then shakes his head with his eyes on the car dashboard, “Its not your fault either, y/n. All of us thought he liked you too.”

You see Yuta take out the keys from his pocket and the pretty,yellow flower keychain attached with it.Johnny had given him that on his last birthday,you recall.

Your eyes drift to various places in the car, from the blue heart sticker on the mirror, to the bills stacked into the pockets, the empty cold drink bottles and the smell of lavender spray in the air, everything reminds you of the man you were trying so hard not to think about.  

You start softly crying.

"Y/n, goddamnit, you won the completion! You are our swimming champion. And you helped us organize this event too. You're today's star. Would you really let that asshole ruin it?" Yuta demands,passing over a tissue to you.

The words ' that asshole ' stick with you , stinging your heart which was still in love with Johnny but you don’t say anything. Yuta was only trying to make you feel better.

Not earning a reply from you,he groans,"I don't care what you want ,y/n. We're going to the after party at Haechan's family farm house and staying there tonight. That's Final. " he declares , turning the key and you hear the car engine revving.

"I'll cry if I see him. " you pout,sniffing.

"Don't worry, if he makes you cry,I'll kill him.." Yuta replies as you drive off to Haechan's farm house.

The entire drive, your mind keeps playing the moments you were trying so hard to forget and you hated it. So,so much. You felt like a prisoner in your own mind.

Yesterday night , in the car,when Johnny leaned down towards you, you could have sworn that he was in love with you.

But now, not as much.

You wonder if Joy had felt special when he comforted her ,because you sure as hell would have. You would have held him like the earth was ending today and he was only thing that could keep you alive.

"We're here. " Yuta announces as you pull over in front of the huge mansion just a little away from your college campus.

You have been here many times before so the beauty of the house doesn't baffle you anymore but your eyes do go wide in realization of how rich Haechan's family really is. Every damn time.

As you step out of the car , your sneakers squeaking against the ground beneath you, you can already hear the loud music coming from the lawn and the smell of barbecued food and alcohol makes you almost want to enjoy the party.

"You're late,y/n!" A very drunk Doyoung walks towards you ,Taeil waddling behind him with two glasses of vodka shots in his hands.

"I know I'm sorry. I hope I didn't miss much." you say ,slightly embarrassed at the fact that you almost skipped the party.

They both hug you tightly as you wince from the strong smell of alcohol, "Congratulations ,sweetheart!" Taeil slurs while Doyoung sings, " we are the champion ~" on the top of his lungs.

"Gosh,yeah,thanks guys." you push their intoxicated bodies away with Yuta's help and make your way towards the lawn where your friends sit around a bonfire , dancing ,singing ,talking ,having the time of their lives. You find yourself smiling a little on seeing at their happy faces. Your eyes roam around the group until they find Johnny , eating roasted marshmallows from a small plate and your first instinct is almost to say ' hi ' but you remember Joy and how painfully sweet they were with each other and you revert your eyes from him the moment he looks in your direction. Your heart paces rapidly, yearning for his attention but you know you wouldn't get it ,no matter what, so you walk inside the house, into the kitchen to grab something for yourself.

"That piece of shit Yeji burnt the meat." Chaeryong complains to you as she volunteers to fill your plate with food. You wonder how many more such swimming competitions you'd have to win for your friends to be this generous with you everyday. "Thank god Taeil saved it before he got horribly drunk." , she adds.

You giggle a little.

All of a sudden, you feel a tap on your shoulder and when you turn around , you are filled with dread. But you’d be lying if you said you didn’t expect this.

" Hey,y/n. Congratulations on winning the trophy!" Johnny says with a bright smile.

As if you give two shits about it, you find yourself thinking for a split second. You look up at the tall man towering over you,smiling like he didn't butcher your heart earlier. He wears a warm grey hoodie with his favorite and probably only pair of blue jeans. His hair is slicked backwards ,exposing the forehead you'd often wait so eagerly to see. His signature cologne makes you feel weak , and if you weren't sober ,you knew things would have gone down pretty quick.

But you can't be rude to him - you could never be rude to him even if you wanted to.

"Thanks." You mutter in a small voice,taking the plate from Chaeryong.

Johnny furrows his eyebrows at your dull reaction and then eyes Chaeryong as if to ask what happened. She shrugs and awkwardly walks away from you two.

Brilliant. Now you have to face Johhny alone.

"Is something wrong,y/n?" He asks ,his concerned voice sending shivers down your body.

You shake your head, "No. Why do you ask?" You look around the place to look for your best friend. Where's he when you need him the most?

Johnny leans over closer to you. "You were ignoring me during the competition but I shrugged it off. And now you're acting like that again. " he says ,his breath fanning for against the side of your face, "I must have done something. "

You want to push him away but as shameless as it sounds , you were enjoying this attention he was giving you and even more than that, you were enjoying how physically close he was to you.

But it didn't mean you would forgive him. Or Joy for that matter.

"Why should you care," you chuckle sarcastically , "I'm not Joy. So don't bother."

Change of mind - maybe you could be rude to him if you tried really,really hard.

His face twists in further confusion.

" How do you know her? And why is she in this conversation again?" He asks,now softly pushing you against the kitchen counter , his hands on either side of you. He has you trapped ,literally.

You sigh, trying to hide the burning of your cheeks and the drying of your throat. You can't let your guard down. "I saw you...with her in the morning. Hugging, staring at each other like you saw the galaxy in each other's eyes. " you huff , your heart heavy from the pain that memory brings.

Johnny laughs , a deep, genuine laughter,erupting from his throat fills the kitchen. You feel like you were walking in the same tunnel again, Johnny waiting for you at the end with a source of light in his hands.

"Are you perhaps ," he leans in closer to your face, just like last night in the car ,"jealous?"

Of course you were jealous. You had always been jealous of anyone who was privileged enough to enjoy Johnny's extremely pleasant company ,especially in your absence.

" No. " Liar.

He presses his lips together in a line ,as if trying to suppress a smile.

"Then why are you turning red like a tomato?" He asks.

You turn your face away from him ,trying to move away from his grasp but he gently puts his index finger under your chin and makes you look at him.

"Y/n, Joy is my cousin." he says. Guilt punches you in the stomach like your stomach were a punching bag and the guilt was a boxer,strong and determined. You feel the blood pulsating in your ears ,in your throat ,in your temples. "I am not dating her or seeing her or whatever you think I'm doing with her. "

You look down at your feet but he makes you look at him again "I'm sorry." You mutter

"Do you remember last night I told you I had some useless thoughts?" He asks you ,his right hand now wrapping around your waist.

You nod your head ,the shame and guilt of falsely accusing him and Joy of something they never did not allowing you to look directly into his eyes.

"This is what I wanted to do. " he pulls your chin closer ,as you stand on your tip toes. Your faces were just so close ,you could feel his lips brush past yours, "May I?" He breathes.

You only find a small whisper to reply him with, "Yes. "

The feeling of his lips pressing against yours was something even your imagination couldn't have prepared you for. His soft, tender touch mixed with the urgency of the kiss made it feel even more surreal than it already was. Your noses glide against each other as he presses you closer and closer till there was no ' closer ' left. He held you firmly by the waist and your hands found their way around his neck as you depended the kiss,your tongues touching and breaths matching each other. You could feel the taste of the marshmallows from earlier and your stomach feels all giddy and excited.

And by the time you both pull away, you are panting, struggling to catch your breath as he supports your body against the counter.

"I like you ,y/n. I always have. I just didn't know how to approach you. " he says , brushing a few hair strands away from your forehead, "And I'm so sorry for making you upset today."

You giggle a little, confused whether to reply to his confession or accept his apology.

You decide to do both. " I like you ,too,Johnny Suh. So much. " you lean your forehead on his ," and it's fine. You didn't mean to make me feel bad ,I was being paranoid. I'm sorry too. "

Johnny pulls away to look at you ,his swollen lips curved into a heartwarming smile.

"I bet you looked cute while being jealous." He says , pecking your nose softly.

You don't reply ; instead you stare at his eyes, your heart pumping out these overwhelming emotions that you couldn't quite understand yet but liked it nevertheless. Your eyes shine like the sky on a cloudless night,making his knees feel like jelly and butterflies erupting in his stomach. At that moment , you realise that it was your eyes wherein he found his galaxy , his sun and stars - not Joy, not any other woman - it was always been you.

[coinofstone]

5x12 The Diamond of the Day pt 1

Final two episodes! Big finale! Why am I making myself cry in the middle of the afternoon! Both eps in this post.

I do love that they made Arthur a sore loser

Enter treacherous white woman #2. Srsly it was lazy writing when they did it for Mordred, it's worse now with Gwaine.

I do love the actual Round Table war room discussion but a) why isn't Merlin seated at the round table and b) why does Leon have so much goddamn faith in Camelot's walls? Like??? You literally said the same thing last year and yet Camelot *did* fall when Agravaine brought an army through the tunnels!

Poor Aithusa. Kid's had a rough life.

I do love Arthur responding to Merlin presenting him with all his supplies ready - which he prepared without his magic mind you - with suspicion 😂

But then he calls Merlin a coward and it's sad

Katie has such a great voice. That entire thing in the cave from her taunting to her laughter to the spell, it just just beautifully played.

Whole ass battle to prepare for and Arthur is just walking around moping cuz Merlin isn't there

So, Merlin's father-vision telling him he's magic itself and he just needs to believe in himself to get his magic going again, does this mean he *didn't* need to go to the cave to get it back? Cuz it seems like he needed to recharge in the cave itself, his injuries were healed when he woke up. That seems like magic cave stuff to me.

Also that "always have been and always will be" - I'm taking to mean 'always have been' in the sense that since he's 'magic itself' even before he was born, his magic existed in other, intangible forms, like we are all stardust etc. But now that he is, he will always be, aka he will not die.

Arthur waking up with his wife in his arms and Merlin's name on his lips, jumping out of bed to act on dream-info.

Balinor telling Merlin to trust in what will be.... like bitch that is literally not how this ends.

5x13 The Diamond of the day pt 2

You know that gif of the cat knocking everything off the table? That's literally Merlin shooting lightning at everyone from his perch on the ridge.

I have a lot of snarky things to say about Merlin coming out of the cave in full Dragoon gear and riding a horse instead of teleporting like the other witches but I'ma keep that to myself.

Mordred is a bitch and Aithusa has terrible aim. At least Aithusa's loyalty to Morgana makes sense.

Arthur said oh shit I'm magic - oh wait no it's that old man again

He also straight up "No! Bad dragon!"-ed Aithusa

Y'know, for all I've watched this episode and screamed about Arthur's death, I don't think I've ever focused on the exact moment he gets stabbed before.

Mordred catches him from behind and he meets it, no fault there. But as soon as he realizes his assailant is the knight who turned on him and joined Morgana, what does he do? HE LOWERS HIS FUCKING SWORD

He leaves himself wide fucking open and vulnerable and Mordred seizes the opportunity. I understand wanting the moment of recognition for Arthur, but on what planet is a trained warrior going to drop his sword mid-attack because he recognizes his attacker as a dude who only just recently decided to forsake him? It's soooooo dumb

There was a whole sequence a few episodes back where Mordred and Arthur are sparring, the point of it was to show that Mordred has become a skilled swordsman. So what exactly was the point in having Mordred run Arthur through as soon as Arthur idiotically lets his guard down? This should've been a meticulously choreographed sword fight, with Mordred getting the upper hand and sticking Arthur properly. Not this nonsense. Look at Arthur's FACE! Oh, Mordred... 👉👈 do you maybe wanna be friends again- STAB ... guess not

Uther's been rolling in his grave but he's taking an extra tumble watching Arthur forget all his skills and training in that moment.

I do appreciate Arthur getting Mordred back though. Like that moment of merciless anger followed by the hurt and regret playing on Arthur's face, warring with surety and responsibility. It was good.

I've rewatched the big confession scene about 16 times just now.

I don't quite understand why Merlin took Arthur to the woods to begin with. Instead of bringing him to the med tent in the battlefield or back to Camelot. What was the reason?

Merlin saying it feels strange (to use magic freely in front of Arthur) and him just going 'yeah' completely deadpan makes me laugh every time.

I really feel like Arthur's head should be elevated at a further incline if he's going to be fed.

Gaius refusing to outright expose Merlin as the sorcerer but nonetheless letting Gwen figure it out on her own warms my heart.

My God Arthur is sitting there dying, feeling betrayed about his best friend 'lying' to him, and still he can't stop himself from looking at Merlin's mouth.

Percival summoned MUSCLE POWER

Hey um random but why does Gwaine even know where Merlin and Arthur are headed? Why would Gaius tell him?

Arthur looks at Merlin so lovingly after he's killed Morgana 😭😭

And now he's literally grabbing at the man's hand 😭 "just hold me, please"

That's gotta be the gayest death scene in television history. If you can watch that without thinking Arthur puts his hand on the back of Merlin's head because some part of him wants to bring him down for a kiss, or that "just hold me, please" is in any way shape or form a 'bros' thing, and certainly not at all an intentional mirror/callback to Isolde dying in Tristan's arms, then I'm afraid you are what we professionals refer to as a dumb-as-nails fucknugget, more commonly phrased as 'willfully ignorant'.

"All that you have dreamt of building has come to pass" yeah except for the whole, y'know, magic still being illegal thing.

I've said this before, but, while I'm sure there was a determined intention to have Arthur die in his armor, probably in some kind of attempt to make sure the audience knows he's died a warrior's death, I *really* think it was kinda stupid that Merlin never removed it, despite Arthur being weak, despite the fact that there was something like five days between him getting stabbed and him actually dying, despite that for the duration of that time they were traveling or hiding out. Merlin managed to produce a cloak to put on Arthur, why did he need the full armor on that whole time? Like even if they left the chainmail on, those plates on his shoulder were just getting in the way, and it looked quite uncomfortable.

Also not for nothing but Lancelot got like, every flower in the forest surrounding lush verdant greens in his death boat, Arthur gets a bunch of sticks.

It suddenly occurs to me, watching this now, that the reason Leon/Percival is such a common side pairing in Merthur fics, is because these two motherfuckers are the only original Knights of the Round Table to survive the series. 🤦‍♀️ I dunno how I failed to notice that before now. My stupidity amazes me.

I'm *really* glad they decided to do this scene with Gwen wearing the Pendragon red dress instead of the black mourning dress. Yes she looks fabulous in it but it's more the symbolism than the 'reality' - with Gwen wearing her house's colors it represents a continuation rather than a finality. Camelot will go on, Gwen will undoubtedly end the war on magic and with Morgana dead (and frankly, I think by now she already brought about the death of all the angry incel type rulers in Albion) there stands to reason her reign will begin with a period of peace, possibly longer than Arthur's. We kind of have to assume that the 'time the poets speak of' is, inevitably, Gwen's reign - which only came about through Arthur's death. It's a little bit toooo subtle in my opinion, but at the same time, I understand the need for the focus on Merlin and Arthur - after all, this show was their journey - not leaving much time to focus on Gwen and Camelot in the aftermath of Arthur's death.

I will just say, the first time I watched this that fucking truck scared the ever living shit out of me. I also just immediately, viscerally hated that scene and declared it invalid - but I think it was because the truck made me jump out of my skin. It has since grown on me, particularly once I started reading 'Arthur Returns' fic.

Everything beyond this point is post-series spec and headcanon, so if that's not your jam you can exit safe in the knowledge that as usual, if there's anything worth commenting on in the S5 extras, I will create a separate post!

For those interested, my go-to post-series fic is We Begin Again by katherynefromphilly I fully headcanon this series as the continuation of the series.

I have a lot of thoughts about Gwen and Merlin post-Camlann.

For one, poor fucking Gwen. She's lost her father, her brother, and her husband, all by what, age 30? That's rough. And who knows what happened to her mom, that was pre-series and I don't think it was ever mentioned.

Merlin, dear god poor Merlin. First of all, I just wanna say straight off that my instinctive headcanon about Merlin was that he never returned to Camelot. I couldn't really say why exactly. I just don't think he could stand being there after Arthur's death. But practically speaking, Merlin's still got Aithusa to deal with, that dragon needs some godsdamned house training asap. He's still the last Dragonlord, it's reasonable to assume he'd immediately take that on considering Aithusa is partially responsible for Arthur's death (the sword Mordred killed Arthur with, only succeeded in killing Arthur because it had been forged in Aithusa's fire-breath) so he's either going to attempt to train the bad behaviors out of Aithusa, or...well...

The only thing is, I do not believe Merlin would abandon Gwen, or Gaius. So my hc is inherently flawed. I do think Merlin probably spend a couple months with his mum, and I do think he ultimately settled near lake Avalon waiting for Arthur's return.

But I do wonder, what must their relationship have been like? Gwen, surely, would've sought his guidance in establishing laws governing the use of magic. And surely, peace cannot last indefinitely, so Merlin absolutely would've defended Camelot and protected Gwen. There's just no way he could've completely turned his back on them, but I doubt he could bear living in Camelot. And Gwen is both strong and practical enough to get on without him there 24/7, even though I'm sure she'd miss him.

I also think she would've found love again. Whether with Leon, as many people hc, or someone else not in the series.

ANYWAY.

Thanks to everyone who came on this journey with me. I will post comments on the extras if I have anything worth saying - and I think I'll do a master post linking all these episode posts after I clean them up once I get time to sit at a computer and do so. Until then! 💙💚

(Gif source) (h/t @shut-up-merlin)

[itsclydebitches]

RWBY Recaps: “The Enemy of Trust”

Welcome to the finale, folks! A quick fun fact for you all. Total length of RWBY Recaps Volume 7 is:

68,611 words, or 115 pages single spaced. Yeesh. No wonder I never got anything else done on Saturdays.

Overall thoughts on the finale? There are pieces embedded in this episode that I really liked. Meaning, all these conflicts and reveals could be seen as truly wonderful bits of storytelling... provided you ignore the horrible, messy context it’s all situated in. For example, I greatly enjoyed that fight with Neo... provided I ignore the stupidity that was the group keeping the relic in the first place. I love the idea of Penny becoming the Winter Maiden... it’s just too bad there wasn’t any setup for that in the form of Penny’s emotional growth, either by re-bonding with Ruby or by something amounting from that frame job. I adore that Ozpin is finally back!! ...So I guess I just have to ignore how he pretty much only existed as thematic exposition and that his bad treatment by the writers hangs over his return. It’s all very “Could have been good if the rest hadn’t been so astoundingly bad.”

First though, before the plot, I wanted to dip by toe into some of the questions we went into this volume with and some of the primary ones that sprung up along the way. Simple answers are attached.

Will the group’s dangerous attitude be addressed along with the introduced hypocrisy in regards to secret keeping? Ha! Not at all. Everything was thoroughly reinforced and last we saw the group---besides generic airship shots---they were triumphantly defeating Ironwood’s evil Ace Ops. So that’s that on that.

Will Ozpin come back and will there be reconciliation with the group? Yes! But also no! Why have a volume tackling with the biggest personal conflict the group has ever faced when you could instead just have another “Ozpin speaks a handful of words during a life-and-death situation”? Yes, yes he gets that massive monologue. We’ll get to that, but suffice to say it doesn’t exactly accomplish anything. Just hammers home how desperate I am to have his character back that I’ll take anything they’re willing to give me.

How will the group handle the death of Adam---one of the most significant deaths to date next to Pyrrha’s---and how will the reveal of his brand impact Weiss and her time at home? It won’t. Blake and Yang vaguely reference him once and that’s it. Apparently killing your abuser in self-defense creates no lasting trauma we should deal with and major reveals from villains straight up don’t matter.

What will the story do with their new character Maria? Uh, nothing. She exists off screen for the entire volume, only popping up in the last second to (maybe?) help Pietro get the scrolls working again. Oh, and she’s stolen another airship.

How will Qrow’s alcoholism continue to impact the group and how will he learn to start managing his addiction? No idea because that happened off screen. And then was presumably erased when Clover died.

Will the group ever discuss the hopelessness attached to their mission and come to the realization that their fight is worthwhile even though they can’t kill Salem? Sort of...? Because yeah they come to that realization but, again, it happens off screen. More significantly, it happens so well, apparently, that the group is now willing to feed Ironwood’s own false hope (like the fandom claims Ozpin did to them) and will be able to stand in front of Salem herself and announce that she’s totally beatable. And we’re going to risk a whole Kingdom on that came-out-of-nowhere confidence.

What does the Staff of Creation do and how will our characters potentially use it in their plans against Salem? We learn that the staff keeps Atlas afloat and it’s definitely a part of Ironwood’s plans, so there’s that.

How will Ruby continue to train and improve her Silver Eye powers? In the messiest and most contradictory manner possible. We’re shown twice in the last three episodes that she can’t get them to work and then suddenly they’re working again when the plot wants Cinder to skedaddle because there’s five minutes of the episode left. Like Qrow’s semblance, Ruby’s eyes are based on a switch that the writers turn on or off depending on their whim.

What will this volume tell us about Nora given all the hype surrounding the importance of her character this season? Nothing, really. All Nora does is solidify her relationship with Ren in a non-consenting manner and yell at Ironwood about Mantle while helping to orchestrate the city’s lack of resources. Even ignoring the issues inherent in these scenes, what we “learned” about Nora this volume is that she loves Ren, is protective of those who come from a similar background as she does, and will run to hug Oscar when given the chance. So...nothing. 

Now the reason I provided this long-ass introduction is so that a) we can remember what we actually hoped/expected the volume to accomplish now that we’ve reached the end (RWBY introduces so many things that viewers---myself included---outright forget that we were supposed to tackle certain plot points or character beats) and b) to demonstrate just some of the writing problems that are impacting this finale. This is what I mean when I say that this finale could have been really solid if not for... all of that. And “that” is just a small sampling of the issues we’ve built up over the last two years. 

But on to the actual plot.

We open on Jaune yelling, “Give up!” at Neo, which isn’t a heavy-handed reflection of the entire RWBYJNR group or anything. As said though, I did really enjoy the choreography of this fight. Oscar gets that excellent moment where he catches the relic with his cane, as well as when he grabs hold of Neo’s legs to keep her from fleeing. Jaune manages to protect them with two different kinds of shields now embedded in his shield. It’s a shield-shield. And Neo herself is always a joy to watch, demonstrating so much personality as she teases her way through each attack. I was thinking throughout this scene that I’d love to see her and Tyrian fighting together. That would be an excellent blend of insane/arrogant enjoyment.

The problem is that Neo is just having such an easy time of it. Which, I should be clear, is what I wanted based on the logic of the situation. Neo should be able to kick their asses with relative ease. The only reason why this is an issue is because it severely complicates what we saw last episode. How was Oscar able to survive her attack for however long? How was he able to land such a solid punch when now Ren and Nora fly at her with the same kind of obviousness and Neo deflects them with ease? I’m thrilled that the finale gave us such a long moment with Oscar, but the series as a whole still has a problem with relegating most of his development off screen. Seeing the comparatively vulnerable farm boy face off against one of our strongest villains should have been a focus last episode, not something that happens in the ether of, “Well I guess all that worked out somehow despite Neo kicking their asses here.” It’s an issue of consistency and convenience primarily. The show seems to have the characters on a very malleable power scale nowadays. Oscar isn’t strong enough to help with the geist, but he’s strong enough to land the first solid hit on Neo. Team RWBY is strong enough to take out the most elite group of huntsmen in Atlas, but Team JNR isn’t strong enough to take out a single villain four to one. It makes it harder to invest in anyone or anything because we’re always on shaky ground. The viewers never know when the writing will obey the rules it has set up or chuck them away on a whim.

The fight is interrupted though when the guards spot them. Did Ruby mention that they were being arrested in her announcement? Did Ironwood announce that before or after Ruby called? I honestly can’t remember and right now I’m too lazy to check. I was just a little surprised that Jaune immediately knew to run from the guards, rather than going, “Hey, crazy woman attacking us please help.” But eh, I’m happy enough to chalk that up to either my own shaky memory or a small connection lost. RWBY has way bigger problems than details like, “How did so-and-so know about such-and-such?” Not unless that information holds way more weight.

So they flee and we actually get to see some reaction to fighting for once. Oscar in particular is clearly exhausted and his clothes are done-in from the battle. Later, while hiding in the training room, all four of them will be leaning against the wall, heaving after facing Neo. Again, this is good. This is how newly-minted huntsmen should be reacting to fighting people way beyond their skill level. It’s only a problem when we compare these details to what we got last week with Team RWBY. Showing JNOR’s exhaustion from a quick bout with Neo no way aligns with RWBY’s perky, totally fine, no auras broken and no tiredness characterization after facing off against four Ace Ops for a significantly longer period.

So there’s some serious plot armor at work there. It became even more clear this episode that Team RWBY won because Team RWBY always gets what they want, not because it makes any sense in-world. But we’ll have to deal with any other consequences of that next volume because they’re barely in the rest of this episode. Instead, we return to the Winter, Penny, and Cinder fight where Cinder casually tosses Penny aside with her grimm arm. She’s briefly held back by Winter’s summoned birds, but that’s hardly going to faze her in the grand scheme of things. In fact, Cinder still has enough energy and confidence to start some philosophizing while she fights. She tells Winter that she may think “hoarding power means you’ll keep it forever, but it just makes the rest of us hungrier.” Self-fulfilling words from the woman hell-bent on acquiring and hoarding all the Maiden powers? As absurd as Cinder’s beliefs are, that “And I refuse to starve” line was pretty badass. On the whole I think she’s a boring villain, but every once in a blue moon Cinder will have a cool moment before she becomes irrelevant again.

The fight continues as Penny returns to the fray and it sounded to me that she was making more noise during this fight than normal. Granted, we’ve rarely seen Penny engage in an all-out brawl that lasts for more than a few seconds, but the additions certainly help with where she’s heading this episode. Particularly moments such as when they’re outside and Cinder’s sword blows up in Penny’s face, causing her to outright scream. It’s a very human sound, setting up the reveal that yes, an android is human enough to take on the Maiden powers. And if you go by some fan theories, “woman enough” (for lack of a better term) given that her aura is a man’s, Pietro’s. Penny is a girl regardless of starting out with male aura, leading to some wonderful and interesting takes on her as a trans character. Now I’m not giving that praise to Rooster Teeth---this isn’t them giving us representation---rather, I’m praising the fandom’s ingenuity and ability to adopt characters into their own communities. You don’t need “evidence” to headcanon transness, but having a girl born of a man’s aura go on to acquire woman-only power can definitely help. 

Granted, Penny’s vocalizing here is just a tiny detail that I’m choosing to apply positively to an outcome. I nevertheless stand by my early belief that Penny simply didn’t have the development needed to land her in the Maiden position. Having her grapple with her own death, Ruby her resurrection, and the loss of Mantle’s support would have achieved that. It’s clear now why Rooster Teeth brought her back, but that doesn’t mean they’ve treated her character well for the last twelve episodes. Instead, in true RWBY fashion, a lot was introduced with no followup.

As said though, they take things outside to give us a decently cool battle between three characters who can fly. While in the air though Winter’s aura is broken and she starts to plummet. Obviously Penny catches her, to which Winter replies, “What are you doing? My life doesn’t matter!”

Sometimes I wonder if Rooster Teeth bothers to think about the dialogue they put in characters’ mouths. I mean seriously? Winter is not stupid. Nor is she so hard that---as the episode hammers home---she wouldn’t experience fear. So:

Anyone is going to be happy about being caught from a 100% deadly fall. In a situation like this survival instinct trumps responsibility. Even if it didn’t “responsibility” doesn’t make any sense here because:

They’re not giving up on the Maiden. Penny isn’t making a decision here that requires forever and always choosing Winter over Fria. They’re gonna turn right around and continue the fight

Seriously, it takes a few seconds to catch her. This isn’t that big a deal

The fight thus far has clearly proven that they need all the help they can get. Penny can’t take Cinder on her own and indeed, even with her aura broken Winter manages to be incalculably helpful

Fria still has her powers, which she’s about to demonstrate. Does Winter really not realize that Fria is still pretty capable of defending herself?

In short, this line is stupid. More than just stupid it’s twisting a character to get them to fit with the volume’s badly imposed theme. Oh look Winter cares sooooo much about her orders that she would needlessly die for them. Penny must teach her the value of her own life and how “blindly” obeying Ironwood is a big, bad thing. Come on. Lines like these---Harriet claiming the Ace Ops aren’t friends even though they clearly are, Qrow blaming Ironwood for Clover’s death when he’s not even there, Yang sniping at Elm about how she can’t think for herself---only serve to say Protagonists Good; Ironwood Bad. Rooster Teeth really loves to introduce justified and sympathetic characters, only to have other characters go OOC to backtrack on that verbally. Ignore what you’ve seen and just believe the nonsense words that never would have come out of this character’s mouth otherwise. And yes, that includes Yang and her comment to Elm. She is by far the most loyal character, considering that she’s canonically done things she did not want (following Ozpin) purely because Ruby was doing it. If the story had any sense embedded in it Yang would be the one who understood where the Ace Ops were coming from in their devotion to Ironwood, or at the very least the narrative would call her out on her hypocricy. As it is, the story functions around the “fact” that following Ruby is just intrinsically good. No matter what Ruby herself might do and how it does or does not compare to others’ actions. She’s the hero, always. In the same way, having Winter spout such a nonsense line works only to say, “See? Following Ironwood destroys all your self-wroth. Following Ruby? Like Penny does? You learn the value of friendship!” Never-mind that the first thing Ironwood does this episode is congratulate and apologize to Winter when he thinks he’s coming down into the vault...

Enjoyable pieces aside, I’m obviously still salty, but we’ll get to Ironwood in a minute. For now, Oscar is seriously dragging behind JNR and manages to get separated. He’s hidden from the guards by “Nora” who is, obviously Neo. Within the span of a second she’s gotten the relic and will keep it until she hands it over to Cinder.

Congratulations, team! Not only did you allow Ironwood to harm Mantle for weeks on end when you knew his plan was doomed to fail, you’ve also lost the relic you came to secure in the first place, thoroughly betrayed the one powerful ally you had in this war (just like you did Ozpin), have destroyed any hope of escape as---surprise!---Salem actually showed up, and you took out the one elite team who might have helped you fight her. Oh, and Qrow, you got arrested in the end anyway so congrats on getting your friend killed along the way. Seriously, how does anyone---how does the narrative---insist that these people are heroes? At this point this is a story about fallen heroes, but rather than emphasizing precisely how badly the group has screwed up the last two volumes and taking them on a journey back from the brink, they’re still being painted in a perfect light.

So... yeah. Relic is gone. Which we all saw coming the second Ruby happily agreed to keep holding onto it, then got protective when Ironwood mentioned taking it back. Loyalty aside, you cannot possibly think the relic is safer on your or Oscar’s belt than it is in a freaking magical vault. The group should be denied the title of “heroes” for their stupidity and arrogance alone. Especially when they never bothered to tell Ironwood that there was still a question left. That might have changed his mind about letting them carry it around. 

Thus, relic in hand, Neo makes easy work of the rest of the team. Most notably by keeping Nora’s face and giving Ren sad eyes when he tries to strike her. This is a really good moment of visual storytelling and more how RWBY should be using their fights to do double-duty and develop characterization. Neo’s trick not only demonstrates her cruel skills, but tells us precisely how deeply Ren cares for Nora. Even knowing that’s not her he hesitates. Then, obviously, we’ve got the tears as the team runs off. So obviously things are still eating at him and their relationship is a big part of that... which just makes me all the more frustrated that the story passed over his fears at the party. I really don’t care how eager everyone (myself included) was to finally get a renora kiss. We never should have seen Nora ignoring those problems and insisting on moving the relationship forward in a way he clearly wasn’t ready for yet. Ren’s words told us that, as does his grief now. Everyone was wondering if ignoring his anxiety would come to a head in the form of Ren siding with Ironwood, but we didn’t get the chance to find that out this volume. Which, I get it. RWBY doesn’t have a lot of time, but that’s precisely the problem. Tiny tid-bits are dropped and then ignored for weeks, if not years on end. That moment between Ren and Neo was excellently crafted and told us a lot about both, but ultimately it’s just another moment cast adrift from everything else. Who knows if this plot-line will actually continue in Volume 8’s premier, if at all.

So Neo wanders off in an Atlas disguise and hands the relic off to Cinder. What’s Cinder going to do with the relic precisely? Not sure. Gonna have to wait on that one. We do have some decent setup for Neo’s betrayal though. She not only looked pissed at Cinder just snatching the prize, but sad about it too. Neo has always been driven by her own, messed up love, notably for Roman. Now that he’s gone it seems like she was looking for someone else to latch onto. Now that Cinder has proven that Neo is only a tool to her, she’d better watch her back.

Returning to Fria. She, as said, still has a lot of kick in her and easily pushes Cinder back. “That’s the power of a fully realized Maiden,” Winter says as crazy power shoots into the sky. Again, good setup... if I believed RWBY was capable of following up on anything. Remember at the beginning of the volume when Harriet dropped setup on Ruby’s semblance? Yeah, nothing came of that either. And though it still might, again, when? I know I use this example a lot, but you can’t introduce Raven speaking with Tai, drop that for three years (or longer), and then pick it back up like that’s still a relevant thread to follow. By having Winter proclaim that this is a “fully realized” power we imply that others, such as Cinder, may be able to become more powerful as well, but there’s little faith on the viewer’s part that such a line will actually amount to anything. Or if it does, it will happen so far in the future that most viewers will have forgotten about it.

For now though Fria is super-duper powerful. Cinder and Winter can’t even get near her. So it’s up to Penny, the one person not made of flesh and blood, to get the job done. I like that. Great use of difference as a strength. So she dives in and gets Fria to calm down, reigning her power back in. They discuss transferring the power and when Penny tries to remind her of the consequences we get, “I’ll be gone. I know I have a hard time remembering, but I remember that.” Hey. Hey, hey. I want the entire fandom to pay attention to this line because a lot of you still have a tendency to erase agency so as to more easily pin the blame on characters you don’t like. Pyrrha didn’t choose to fight Cinder against Ozpin’s orders, Ozpin killed her! Qrow didn’t choose to fight Clover and team up with Tyrian, Ironwood killed Clover! The Ace Ops didn’t choose to be loyal and maintain the responsibility they swore as military huntsmen, Ironwood just brainwashed them into being obedient puppets! Here, we get another glorious reminder that yes, these characters can actually think and act for themselves. Even the characters with dementia. Asking someone to do the hard thing (Pyrrha) is not in any way comparable to making them. It’s crystal clear from Fria’s line here that Ironwood spoke to her about the situation. He, like Ozpin, was upfront about the consequences. She in turn decided to accept this duty. Yes, I know I’ll die. I’ve accepted that. I have a job to do and I intend to complete it.

So yeah, #stop-taking-away-one-character’s-agency-just-because-you-don’t-like-another-2020.

Penny is thus faced with a glaring responsibility of her own: will she take on the Maiden powers? Because Fria may remember her job, but not who else was supposed to complete the job with her. Was it you? Penny, meanwhile, is looking at all that ice and wondering if Winter can even get here in time. It may well only be her... unless they want it to be Cinder.

As she thinks through this decision we return to JNR. Ren has a brief freak-out about how “We weren’t ready to become huntsmen” but instead of a truthful statement about their maturity and skill levels, the story twists it into a false statement by having Ren start yelling at Nora and placing unnecessary blame. We’re not supposed to believe him here because he’s irrational and lashing out... even though I think “We weren’t ready to become huntsmen” is a 100% truthful statement. The last two volumes have proven to me, if no one else, that having a job with that much power and responsibility isn’t just about whether you can swing your scythe really well. It’s about having the emotional fortitude and, as said, majority to treat it as a job and put that responsibility ahead of your own desires. RWBYJNR has consistently demonstrated that they’re unwilling to do that. It’s their way or the highway, damn promises, responsibility, loyalty, or consequences.

Before things can really break in the group though more soldiers show up and as they’re hiding behind Jaune’s shield he realizes that Oscar is missing. Over the comms Oscar says that he has something he needs to do alone, heading for the vault. I really appreciate this moment because Oscar is the one person in this group who has actually extended some of the unity and sympathy that RWBYJNR keeps yelling that everyone needs to give to them first. He apologizes to Ironwood whereas Yang sticks her nose in the air and insists she did nothing wrong. He approaches Ironwood and asks to find a way forward together while Ruby yells that Harriet has to do what she wants or no, I won’t stop attacking you. We get that moment where Ironwood thinks it’s Winter descending and goes, “I know that must have been hard for you. I’m so sorry,” demonstrating his own care and compassion. We see Oscar embodying Ozpin in his folded hands, use of the cane, and harder eyes, despite the fact that it’s still him in control. 

He has a piece of that maturity the rest of his team lacks. He’s open, Ironwood is open, they’re poised to do what the others around them can’t...

Too bad it all goes to total shit.

You know, I feel like I should be more mad about this but at this point I’m just kind of numb. Why in the world would I be surprised that Rooster Teeth would erase all the work above to turn Ironwood into a generic villain? They did it before, or did I suddenly forget the twenty-minutes that humanized Ozpin only to be followed with two volumes of bashing him non-stop? I knew Ironwood was going to get screwed, I just didn’t think they’d go so far as to do it like this. And shame on me because I should have.

There are times when things happen on screen... but by god it isn’t canon. Because it’s just too stupid to be canon. It’s so horrifically out of character that the only explanation is that this is an impersonator and the writers just forgot to tell us that along the way. Because James Ironwood would never kill a child. Or hell, maybe he would, but it would have to be under RADICALLY different circumstances from these. People realize right that this is so beyond out of character as to be laughable, right? We get:

A man who has devoted himself to fighting the biggest evil his world has ever seen

Learning the importance of care over brute strength, adopting Ozpin’s lessons by giving Mantle Penny

Has spent the last year trying desperately to keep all his people safe, making the hard calls in order to achieve that

Was beyond delighted when the group first appeared, kneeling down before Oscar and hugging Qrow

Has frequently asked after Ozpin throughout the volume, demonstrating a strong desire for him to return

Immediately forgave the group even after learning about Salem’s immortality, still pushing forward with them

Just sacrificed his arm in an effort to continue protecting those around him

Finally realized he didn’t have allies in this team and called only for their arrest, not any violence or mistreatment

Hired the Ace Ops, a group whose conflict was their need to perform that arrest pushing against their desire not to hurt anyone

Ironwood just began the scene by extending sympathy and apologies to another

And you’re going to tell me that this man, this man defined by his compassion and desperate need to protect others... is going to shoot the 14yo kid housing one of his oldest friends? Shoot to kill?

Because make no mistake, that was a killing shot. Ironwood knew Oscar was at the edge. Even if it hadn’t broken Oscar’s aura, that fall isn’t anything you can survive without Humanity 1.0 magic---magic Ironwood clearly wasn’t counting on to save him. They literally took this man and erased EVERYTHING that made him-him, deciding that randomly Ironwood kills kids now because he dislikes a conversation. Kills Ozpin too. It makes zero sense... but you know all precisely why they did it. Because Ironwood is the villain now. He dared disagree with Team RWBY and now that he’s an antagonist they had to make sure he did something he couldn’t come back from. You don’t try to kill the youngest of the group and then come back into the fold. Ironwood is finished. He’s either going to die next volume or the group is going to lock him behind bars as a “witty” parallel of him trying to arrest them, dropping a one-liner about how they’re sorry it came to this.

Which, obviously, I absolutely despise. The rest of the episode? Had a lot going for it. Cool and interesting developments that might have been great if not attached to the horror show of the last twenty-five episodes... but still cool and interesting nonetheless. This? This is the worst thing RWBY has done to date because they not only irrevocably messed up one of their best characters, but they did so in a way that highlights everything that has been wrong with the show the last two years. There was no buildup to this. None. Don’t @ me with “But Ironwood is unstable and the Tin Man has no heart.” No and also no. Rooster Teeth simply decided that they wanted him as a villain and made that happen in the span of a few seconds. It’s just as absurd and insulting as if, last volume while angry at Qrow, Ruby had picked up her scythe and cut through Weiss as a form of anger management. Ironwood aiming to kill the kid he’s been bonding with all volume and Ozpin to boot because they’re having a slightly heated conversation is insane. 

Which isn’t to say that conversation itself helped matters. Because Ironwood remains right. Those are all pretty, philosophical questions, Oscar, but what are we going to do about our situation? Oscar might express more sympathy then Team RWBY, but he’s just as naive and dangerously stubborn. He doesn’t have a plan either, just a continuing insistence that they try. In fact, his arguments are really... nonsensical in places? He says that if Ironwood abandons Mantle they’ll lose hope of uniting the whole world, even though we’ve never established why that’s still a goal when a world-wide army can’t defeat Salem. He likewise makes the absurd claim that because Ironwood is thinking about the big picture “Then you’re as dangerous as she is, James.”

No??

If RWBY is going to incorporate philosophy and moral conundrums into their writing then they actually need to do the work to think them through. Because sorry but the man making a currently still necessary sacrifice in order to keep the world as a whole safe is not the same thing as the genocidal grimm queen hell-bent on destroying it. Again, do they think about the words they’re putting into the characters’ mouths? The worst is how many viewers just eat it up. Because Good Boy Oscar said something vaguely wise-sounding then it must be true...never-mind the absurdity of the statement itself. I love Oscar to bits, just not when the writing uses him as a prop to promote these absurd themes. Not to keep dragging Witcher into every possible part of my life, but it immediately reminded me of this quote from Geralt. “You wizards are all the same...

Just because Oscar says it with confidence doesn’t mean it makes any sense.

Which is where we end up. Oscar falling, Ozpin arriving, the two of them managing to survive the fall. I have to admit that at this point Ozpin’s return just felt damn underwhelming to me. Like yes, of course I’m thrilled he’s back, but watching them mangle James like that just kicked all the enjoyment out of the rest of the episode. That, combined with the fact that Ozpin’s return actually was pretty lackluster. I mean, I feel like a shit for complaining about the thing I’ve wanted since the beginning of Volume 6... but is that really all we get? Ozpin doesn’t save him, Oscar saves them both, because he apparently has complete access to the magic and memories now. What does Ozpin matter then? Ozpin doesn’t speak really, just says Oscar’s name and is then cut off because Oscar doesn’t want to hear anything he has to say unless it’s about saving Atlas. He does express something like gratitude though--- “You’re back, aren’t you? You saved me”---so that’s more than we’ve gotten from anyone else. And Ozpin does narrate... but who is that to? Obviously very reminiscent of our series’ premier, but is he speaking to Salem again? We’re not told---or shown---and as it is that monologue exists purely for the audience. It’s a speech we could have gotten from any character and just happened to get it from Ozpin. It’s not being spoken to Oscar and therefore not forwarding any of the relationships that still need to be mended. In fact, this could well be a speech Ozpin gave years ago, disconnected from who he is now. Perhaps the biggest issue is that the speech is all about fear, further hammering home the finale’s BS stance that Ironwood being afraid of actual, legitimate threats made him into an unhinged child-killer.

Because his “paranoia”? It’s about this. This is what Ironwood was afraid of.

And oh look it’s here.

So yeah... I just can’t fall in love with this moment as I feel I should. RWBY has burned me too many times lately---the last time seconds before this scene---and frankly now that Ozpin is back I don’t trust them to treat his character well. So his return is automatically laced with more worry than excitement to see what comes next. Because if they do this to Ironwood, somehow who has done nothing but try to help this whole volume, what the hell are they going to do to Ozpin, someone who actually lied to and kept secrets from the precious team? I want him back, but not while we’ve got these themes going. I’m legit worried about how the group will react to his return and what the narrative is going to make Ozpin do as penance for his supposed sins. I’m not really thrilled about the prospect of watching more assault that’s painted as heroic justice. Normally I’d be going, “Well you never know, RWBY could prove me wrong...” except that after Ironwood? I really don’t think it will. Because Ozpin may ask, “Will you forgive them? Will you understand why they felt the need to do the things they did?” but it’s “staring back at you is the very thing you should have feared from the start” is what we get when Ironwood is shown again when he’s told Winter doesn’t have the power, he can’t open the vault, and he has no way of escaping this army. Rather than painting this as a tragedy that’s on our “heroes,” Ironwood is just made to look deranged. The story doesn’t encourage us to forgive him, no matter Ozpin’s words. 

The scne was pretty though! lol. Stunningly gorgeous, really. If I just turn my brain off and don’t think about everything surrounding Oscar falling while Ozpin re-joins him, it’s an absolutely fantastic scene...

Yeah, the rest of the episode is mostly things I’ve already covered. Maria picks everyone up in their “getaway ship” because her character apparently only exists now to provide comic relief in the form of illegal actions. 

Penny takes on the Maiden powers while Winter holds Cinder off with no aura. That was badass as hell.  Go Winter, you’re still one of my faves this volume.

Ruby conveniently uses her silver eyes even though they’ve failed twice in the last three to four episodes. 

Qrow is arrested and holds onto Clover’s blood-stained badge. 

Robyn is apparently just fine. 

Watts is potentially getting freed by Tyrian, or else was just distracted by the arrival of Salem, I honestly wasn’t sure. 

The only other thing of consequence is that Winter and Weiss acknowledge that they’re on different paths. They can’t support one another in who they’re loyal to, but Winter will still give her sister a head start.

Oh, that moment and this, of course.

I’ve already spoken about my very iffy feelings about introducing Salem as an actual enemy before the final volume and those feelings are compounded by this absurd denouncement of hard, practical choices. I mean... seriously. What is the group going to do at the start of next volume? “These readings can’t be right,” an Atlas soldier says, horrified at the number of grimm that are appearing around them from an ominous red cloud. That entire army we saw at the end of Volume 6. Plus a giant whale grimm that could easily swallow any of our heroes (Pinocchio reference, anyone?), plus the immortal sorceress who could do any number of things to obliterate you---and take all the time in the world to do it. Like... they’re screwed. They are dead and Ironwood was 100% right to try and take whoever he could to safety and regroup. Except that obviously the series doesn’t end in tragedy here so they’ll wiggle their way out of things somehow. It just won’t be satisfying. Because we absolutely have a hopeless situation here and the story hasn’t allowed the group to acknowledge and then try to circumvent that in any practical manner. Ruby’s silver eyes will inexplicably get crazy powerful. Or Salem will randomly decide to leave. Or they’ll discover some new and untapped skill through the power of friendship. Then, at the end of it all, we’ll be told to look back at Ironwood and call him crazy for trying to save lives with a realistic approach because see? We managed a miracle after all.

I can’t believe I’m going to watch that nonsense. But I will. Because RWBY was a show that I loved and some small part of me still hopes it’ll return to what it once was. At the very least I need to find out what happens to these characters---no matter how stupid and insulting---and this episode, despite all my expectations, did give me tiny glimmers into what RWBY used to be. Moments that were fun or badass or legitimately touching. I almost wish it wouldn’t, just so I could make a clean break with the show. Absolute trash is better than trash that demonstrates skill just enough to make you think there might be hope for a better written story the next time around. Ah well. At least writing the recaps is always fun!

So I’ll still be here, answering asks and chucking out nonsense. Feel free to come join me if you’re ever inclined.  

Until next volume 💜

[angel-deux-writes]

Now that Honor Compels Me is finally done, I wanted to do a round-up of all the things I remember that made me say “I feel like I need to tell someone what almost happened here” or “I should probably explain this later lol”, along with my reasons for cutting the last few chapters/what would have happened in them. It’s prob going to be very long, which I apologize for, but I’ll bold the headings so that you can skip to the parts you’re interested in!

I’ll reblog it and add more as I think of them, but for now: 

Dark Dany: VERY originally, like way back in the OG plotline from 2017, Dany was an antagonist, and Margaery Tyrell was Robb’s queen. Dany would have died fighting Cersei in Kings Landing, with the same result (Cersei was ALWAYS going to go out by wildfire lmao). I changed it both because a) it seemed like too many Conveniently Alive people for one story and b) after the shitty ending Dany got, I decided I would try my hand at writing a Dany I could actually root for! For years I’ve been a big proponent/fan of the idea that Dany is eventually going to be an antagonist in the books, but the way it was handled in the show was so irredeemably stupid (gassing her up and gaslighting/scolding her fans later who didn’t see it coming, making her switch at the drop of a hat for the majority of the general audience just for the sake of a twist, etc). I ended up really loving the version of Dany I created. I tried not to soften her TOO much, which is why I had her wrestle with herself even up to the very end (like thinking “I won” after the explosion in Kings Landing and hating herself for it). I didn’t want all the flaws that make me not support canon Dany to disappear just because I started to like her! I do think that writing this story made me like Dany more overall. I still don’t support her canon actions, and I also probably won’t in the books, but I came to find her more compelling as I wrote her. I’m a lot less afraid to write her now than I have been in the past, though I’ll continue to add warnings to all my stories that feature Dark Dany, bc yall Dany stans have been through enough. 

More Death: At various points Dany, Theon, Bran, and Arya were going to die. 

Dany was already pointed out. 

I had Theon die in the Long Night in the plot outline just out of laziness/in keeping with canon, until I remembered that Redemption = Death is stupid and I wasn’t gonna do it. 

Bran was going to die after warging into Drogon and being caught in the explosion of the Red Keep. That actually stayed in until a few weeks ago! I told a bunch of people that Bran was going to die! It was the plan all along! And then I realized that “somebody has to die” was a shitty way of looking at it, and I changed it. I think a lot of this process of changing things was me trying to write what I thought people wanted vs what story I actually wanted to tell. Sure it’s a little fairy tale ending this way, but it’s my story, and who cares? Happy endings are nice. Fuck off. 

Arya...I probably wouldn’t have ever actually gone through with it, because I am a coward, but there was an idea of a VERY heavy-handed “revenge is bad” message with Arya where Arya was much more savage and instead of turning back into Arya, she was turning farther and farther away from her. She couldn’t reconcile with the Lannisters, she rejected her bonds with her family. In the end she would be unable to let go of her list, would refuse to grow and change and realize that she had other things to live for, and she would have set off one of Qyburn’s traps in the Red Keep, igniting the whole thing, killing Drogon and Rhaegal (and Bran) and leading to the deaths of thousands. AGAIN I was like “that’s too dark” and scrapped the idea, but it was definitely toyed with. I love Arya as a character, so this plotline for her would have definitely been more a reaction to fans of her who seem to want her to hold on to that vengeful seed inside of her. 

Prophecies: Listen, I do not give a fuck about any prophecies. I really don’t. Every fantasy universe has some kind of involved backstory that some fans love to get mired in, but I am not one of those fans. Still, I tried to deliver on two of them lmao. 

Azor Ahai ended up being Jaime, with Ice/Oathkeeper and Maiden’s Heart being Lightbringer. Originally, I had Brienne killing the Night King, without any thought to the prophecy at all, but that was another case of “people will like it if Brienne kills the Night King” and I realized that I would like it better if it was Jaime. I’m not sure how it checks out literally, but I figured it worked with a) tempering in water = splitting Ice. b) heart of a lion = Jaime’s change of heart after the Highgarden Battle. c) Nissa Nissa = Brienne’s “maiden’s heart” breaking during the Highgarden Battle. It was Brienne who did the stabbing, but it was Jaime who made it happen, so I figured that made sense. I made sure to mention Brienne’s tears and all the smoke when Jaime was wounded, so he could be “reborn amidst salt and smoke” or whatever, and I had Bran mention a rebirth for him in the next chapter. Which was maybe a little on the nose, but IDK GUYS I FEEL LIKE IT CHECKS OUT! 

I know the show never dove into the Valonqar prophecy at all, and I think we all know that I absolutely HATE the idea of Jaime being the Valonqar, so I would rather not think about it AT ALL. But Bran AND Rhaegal were both kind of responsible for Cersei’s death in the end, so take your pick of which Little Brother actually did the deed! 

Deleted Chapters: I promise you, you are not missing anything with these deleted chapters. They were always messy, and no matter how many times I edited them, they felt too forced and “now let me explain the ending”. 

Sansa: Sansa’s chapter followed Jaime’s and was primarily about her going to Robb and Dany and the three of them talking about the future of Westeros. The Dany/Robb conversation about it was originally absent--the last Robb chapter was added to fill in the gaps when I deleted this and the other chapters--so this would have been the first time it was discussed. It then would have had a time jump and a wedding scene, which I could never make work! It was such a jarring time jump in the middle of a chapter, and I didn’t think the wedding was particularly exciting to write about lmao. 

Tyrion: Tyrion’s chapter would have been Dany being crowned and announcing to everyone that she and her people are going to be dismantling the monarchy and setting up a new government. I think I had her give a period of a few years in which she and Robb would rule, but they were going to be transitioning governments in that time. Kind of the same idea as in What a King Should Look Like. Bronn also showed up, DID in fact get a minor holdfast, and was mocked by both Lannisters for bowing out before he could have earned himself a better one. Olenna found some bastard daughter to legitimize and continue her house.

Brienne: Brienne’s arc was a lot more drawn out in the original draft, and I ended up editing it a few times and making it shorter. VERY originally, this chapter would have been her wedding with Jaime, at which she has the “wow he actually loves me, huh?” realization. Which I thought was funny as I plotted it out, but in execution it wasn’t as good as I wanted it to be, so I moved the realization to an earlier chapter. The original was also going to be Jaime giving up his name entirely, and Brienne cloaking him, but as we have discussed before, I am in fact a coward, so I just deleted the whole chapter lmao. In all seriousness, at this point the endings just felt like Return of the King, and Into the West was actually the chosen song for this chapter, because I knew even as I was writing it that I was doing Too Much lmao. 

Robb: Robb’s last chapter was essentially just a total wrap up chapter. Just Robb and Dany being sappy, Robb being happy he was still alive, and the two of them planning the future. They were at Riverrun for this part, i’m pretty sure, or it might have been Dragonstone? I had trouble even filling this chapter with enough words for it to be a full chapter, because it was basically just an epilogue. As the story progressed, this chapter felt more and more like I was just performing to the “Robb’s Alive” crowd, which I didn’t particularly want to do, because Robb being alive was always a feature, not the focus, of this story. 

That’s all the stuff I can think of for now! If anyone has any particular questions you can message me or inbox me about them and I’d be happy to talk about it! 

[gundamgamer]

The Last of Us Part II: "There Was This Sequel... Wasn't As Good."

After seven years of what felt like forever, The Last of Us Part II has finally arrived on PS4. And…well, after the leaks were released in late April of this year, it has left the fanbase, and the Gaming Community polarizing, to say the least. Some cancelled their pre-orders, others gave the game the benefit of the doubt, and see for themselves, and then there were those who had no choice because they were getting paid to play and review the game…Only to have mixed feelings of the story. But what do I personally think of the game, overall? Well, after playing through it for a week, and processing the entirety of the main story, I don’t think it’s “the WORST thing ever”…But it’s definitely not masterpiece worthy. Let’s begin with the simple, NON-SPOILER aspects of the game:

 GAMEPLAY:

At first, I thought there was a lot of changes made with the gameplay, since the first game. I wouldn’t say the Combat Mechanics, in TLOU1 were perfect by any means. But, for a 2013 game, they were pretty solid. Though there are times where things can get glitchy and finicky, the controls felt fine…In THIS entry, however, it just feels the same. There’s little to no changes with the controls and, at times, they felt stiff to the point where I would freeze in the middle of picking items up or performing a “T pose” while getting shot at by nearby enemies (Yes, this actually happened to me during my playthrough). Granted, I do like that they gave players the Aim Assist feature, seen in the Uncharted games, which can SOMETIMES make combat a little easier, but that’s not saying much when you’re trying to aim at enemies that have the advantage. And I do feel like the jumping action was pointless, since all you had to do was run off an edge and hope to God you made it to the other side of wherever you were jumping to. Since most of the actions require you to press the Triangle (△) button, this action felt needless. The weaponry has somewhat improved, since the last game, with some familiar returns (such as the Flamethrower and Shotgun) and newer weapons (Semi-Auto Rifle, Hunting Pistol and Crossbow), the variety, on how you choose to kill your enemies, is literally at your fingertips. Finally, there’s a neat guitar mechanic where you use the pad on your DUALSHOCK 4 controller to strum the chords and play tunes on a guitar. A small but neat feature. GAMEPLAY: 3.5

 VISUALS & MUSIC:

There’s no doubt the Visuals have vastly improved since the first game; from the far horizons of Jackson to the deep overgrown forests in the Seattle area, the environments and locations look phenomenal…For the most part. Some areas, however, look so bland that they all look the same just for the purpose of Gameplay. Now, I know that sounds absurd, but hear me out: Using the same environment, for the purpose of Gameplay Mechanics is FINE. However, you need to use a different variety of location designs and settings. Otherwise, the gameplay will feel repetitive at best, and lazy at worst. But I digress. Overall, the Visuals are gorgeous to look at, especially in different season settings. Of course, it wouldn’t be a Last of Us game without the Music. Composer Gustavo Santaolalla returns to give the game life with his score, which (and I know it’s gonna sound crazy) isn’t as memorable as the first game, but is still remarkable to say the least. I also do like that they made him a character, in the game.

VISUALS: 4

MUSIC: 4

AND NOW, WE COME TO THE MEAT OF THIS REVIEW: THE SPOILERS! SO, IF YOU HAVE YET TO PLAY THE GAME, I SUGGEST YOU STOP READING, FROM HERE ON OUT…YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.

I’d also like to point out that NO, I have absolutely NO PROBLEM with LGBT+ representation in any form of media (Gaming, TV, Film etc), as there is a character, Lev, who’s LGBT+, and that is FINE. But…it’s the story that needs to get a beating in all of this. Let’s begin:

 So, let’s talk about the Story, because I have a feeling that a good number of us will agree with me when I say…IT’S ABSOLUTE DOGSHIT!! …I really have no idea where to begin.

This game’s writing is all over the place, and it’s backwards at best and atrocious at worst. Everything from feeling sympathy for the main antagonist, Abby; because it’s revealed that Joel murdered her dad while he was about to operate on Ellie at the climax of the first game (as if we were suppose to know that), to PLAYING AS ABBY FOR A GOOD TEN PLUS HOURS, A CHARACTER THAT HAD SHITTY DEVELOPMENT TO THE POINT THAT NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT HER OR ANYONE ELSE AROUND HER! Not to mention that, between Ellie and Abby, you play through flashbacks in flashbacks. This is not creative writing, this is fan fiction bullshit, and it fails FAST. Seriously, I wanted Abby’s playthrough to be done because I did not give a shit about her and wanted to go back to playing as Ellie. Can’t also forget how little to no point these characters serve in the story, from Abby’s side or Ellie’s, they all range from forgettable to needless, in the end. Aside from Dina and her ex-boyfriend, Jesse (yea, he’s pretty forgettable too, but at least he gets shot later on, by Abby), these characters serve little to no purpose to the story besides Story Progression that COULD’VE been done better. But nothing, AND I DO MEAN NOTHING, can compare to the atrocity that is the ending of this game:

Ellie finds out where Abby is heading, months after the what happened in Seattle. I’ll also mention that, for a bit you’re playing as Abby again, however it’s…somewhat forgivable as it’s only for a short period of time. Afterwards, you’re playing as Ellie throughout the Climax of the game. You come across a group of Rattlers who hunt down and take prisoner to lost travelers, when you [as Ellie] learn where Abby is kept prisoner. Once you find her, and her friend Lev (who TL;DR, identifies as a boy, but was born a girl, and his mother wanted to marry a guy but he refused so her mother went nuts and he killed her…yay?), she follows them to some nearby boats. But Ellie isn’t done with Abby yet. As the two fight it out, Ellie finally has her in the water and makes her drown. But then, for a LITERAL SECOND, she has a flashback of Joel sitting on his porch with his guitar…and feels guilt…So much so, that she lets Abby, the one person who she; wanted revenge on, set out on a mission that killed multiple people, even someone who nobody really gave a shit about (Jesse), risks just about everything to get to this point…And for what? A moral epiphany…Oh god…Ellie then returns home for Dina and their child JJ, only to find that they’re not home. She learns that they both left Ellie, for Dina could not take the chance of losing her. And so, with her ring and pinky finger, on her left hand, bitten off by Abby, she tries to play guitar and has yet another flashback with Joel. This seems to be the last time they encounter each other before he gets axed. It, for the most part, is a nice little moment between the two, as they discuss some issues that need to be resolved. But mostly that Ellie wants to forgive Joel because he lied to her about what happened in the hospital. Afterwards, she sets out on what could be an unforeseeable future…

As you can see, the story isn’t necessarily the greatest…In fact, it doesn’t even come close to the first game’s story (which by the way, won Best Storytelling and GAME OF THE YEAR. Yea, let that sink in). The reason why the first game was so successful is because it focused on the development and bond between Joel and Ellie. How they grew as characters and learned to endure and survive in a chaotic, post-apocalyptic world setting. And we, the fans, WANTED to see that again in this game. But instead, got bamboozled by false advertising. Oh yea, that scene in the trailer where Joel pulls Ellie back and asks “You think I’d let you do this on your own?” NEVER. FUCKING. HAPPENS!! Instead, it’s Jesse in that position. Seriously? WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT THIS GUY?! NOBODY, THAT’S WHO!! We don’t care about any of these characters. We just wanna see the ones we cared about grow and learn more from each other. We actually wanted to see if anything changed from these two, over the years. The closest we get to ANY of that, in this game, are the flashbacks with them; from the museum setting (which makes some not-so-subtle nods to Jurassic Park and its sequel, The Lost World: Jurassic Park), to the only good scene in this ENTIRE game, in my opinion: Ellie heading out to the hospital, from the first game, finding out Joel lied but having Joel confess and tell the truth…That was such a powerful scene, and the acting from both Troy Baker and Ashley Johnson was superb. It shows the emotion between the two, from guilt to betrayal, how both Ellie and Joel lost so many people within their lives, only to go their separate ways after a crucial and impactful reveal…But none of that matters to Neil Druckmann and the crew at Naughty Dog. They just wanted to push ideas that nobody really cares about, especially for a game that’s set in a post-apocalyptic setting. We play games to escape reality and venture into worlds that could NEVER be real for the sake of entertainment and fantastic storytelling. These types of media are slowly fading away, and being replaced by writers who really don’t even give little to no shit about constructive writing, internal consistency, and above all else, THE FANS!! (even if they claim to do so…Looking at YOU, Rian Johnson)

In the midst of it all, the reason I didn’t cancel my pre-order was that I was one of the few that gave this game the benefit of the doubt. Despite only vaguely knowing what those leaks had and how they could’ve affected me, I still played it through beginning to end…Only to be disappointed by an entry I – and MILLIONS more -- had waited seven years for, only for Druckmann to say “You see this? THIS ISN’T WHAT YOU WANTED! THIS IS MY STORY!! AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, YOU’RE A BIGOT!!”…However, to be fair, I’ll say this: don’t take my word for it. Maybe there CAN be something to your liking, in this game. Maybe there’s a little something for everyone…just don’t expect me to play through – scratch that – suffer through this mediocre attempt of a sequel ever again. There are ways this game COULD’VE been as fantastic – if not, MORE – than its predecessor. I might have to do that in another essay, sometime. Til then, this the last of my playthrough of this gigantic disappointment.

STORY: 1.5

CHARACTERS: 2.5

THE LAST OF US PART II: 3.5/10

[mjntae-blog]

it’s definitely you.

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 ⏋jungkook & fem!reader 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 ⏋jungkook has a crush on [name], and everyone is aware of it except for her. school au. 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠(𝐬) ⏋bad writing 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞 ⏋fluff to the maximum. 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 ⏋1,641

𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐚’𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 ⏋this one-shot is very old... and frankly, not very good! it was originally written for a friend, so i only really edited out her name and inserted “[name]” (very lazy of me, i know). however, we’ve all got to start somewhere! this also serves as a reminder of how much better i’ve gotten! or... not, lol. anyway, enjoy! <3

[Name] let out a soft sigh as she quietly made her way over to her seat. It was Monday morning, and the class had yet to begin. Even so, she felt herself beginning to miss the weekend. It flew by, and as usual, she felt as if she didn’t really do anything meaningful with her time. With a frown, she began to take out her things from her bag, setting up for her first period.

“Heya, [Name]. How was your weekend?” [Name] met the eyes of her best friend, [Friend’s Name], and immediately felt a smile creep its way onto her face.

“Well, you spent half of it with me, so it was cool for a while, but then…”

“It got boring? You somehow managed to waste the time away? Take your pick.”

“Uh, honestly, probably both.”

Finally, [Friend’s Name] sat down in the desk in front of [Name] with a plop, the action dramatizing her next words, “man, do I feel you on that.”

A few more students came flooding in, and an acquaintance of theirs made an appearance. He smiled and waved their way, but [Friend’s Name] immediately looked away, hiding her face in [Name]’s textbook. [Name] noticed Taehyung’s confused look and offered an apologetic smile before attending to [Friend’s Name]’s odd behavior.

“Something up?” [Friend’s Name] didn’t respond, and so [Name] moved to grab the textbook. It was then she realized that [Friend’s Name]’s face was bright red. She laughed, “I… thought you liked you know who?”

[Friend’s Name] shrugged helplessly and turned away. It appeared that she would like to steer clear of conversation for the rest of the period. Or maybe even the day.

[Name] thought it was nice that [Friend’s Name] allowed herself to get a little boy crazy. She rarely indulged in these kinds of things, so it was a pleasant change. It was refreshing to see her so love struck. However, [Name] couldn’t say she wasn’t feeling mushy herself. She had her eye on a certain someone as well.

She began to think of him, and then suddenly, it was as if her daydream had come true. Jeon Jungkook was standing right in front of her. Well, more specifically, he was standing right in front of [Friend’s Name].

Oh, this was reality, wasn’t it?

“I need to talk to you…” Jungkook began, glancing [Name]’s way before continuing, “just us?”

[Friend’s Name] raised a brow and turned to [Name], almost as if she were asking for permission. [Name] didn’t know why she did that but gave her the okay with a shrug.

“I’ll be back.”

[Name] watched their backs retreat outside the classroom, and her mind began to race. Was Jungkook okay? Was [Friend’s Name] okay? No, wait…

What if Jungkook liked [Friend’s Name] and wanted to talk to her privately to ask her out?!

She shook her head.

No, no, she couldn’t be thinking like that. Besides, even if that was the case, [Friend’s Name] would turn him down. Whether it be from embarrassment or simply because she likes Yoongi—or even Taehyung. Either way, she trusted her.

Within a few moments, [Friend’s Name] and Jungkook returned. Jungkook went straight to his seat, which was across from them, but [Friend’s Name] sauntered over with a goofy smile.

As soon as she sat down, [Name] spoke up, “okay, spill. What happened?”

“Oh, stuff. Don’t worry.”

“[Friend’s Name]…”

She grinned teasingly, “I’m serious, it was nothing. He just wanted to know if he could borrow Kingdom Hearts II.”

[Name] pouted, “and he didn’t want to ask in front of me?”

“He’s shy.”

“Not towards you, apparently.”

“Become a gamer and maybe he’ll open up to you, too.”

“Is it really… that easy?”

[Friend’s Name] hesitated, thinking, “I want to say yes, but… no. You’re different.”

“How so?”

“Dunno. Find out for yourself.”

[Name] blinked, finding the whole conversation to be a bit vexing. What was [Friend’s Name] going on about? Was there something she knew about Jungkook that she didn’t? Only one thing really came to her mind, but… it couldn’t be that, right? She supposed she would have to ask Jungkook directly.

Someday…

No, she couldn’t do that. Waiting for the right time would drive her up the wall. She needed to know as soon as possible.

[Name] looked across the room and spotted Jungkook looking at her, a small smile on his face. She waved, but when she did he made a panicked expression and looked away. He refused to look at her after that.

Now she felt bad.

★ ★ ★

As soon as the bell rang, [Name] stood up from her seat and marched over to Jungkook, ignoring the look of surprise on [Friend’s Name]’s face. She had been distracted the whole class, she needed to get this off her chest.

Jungkook shrunk in his seat when she was close enough, and even tried to act as if he hadn’t seen her.

“Jungkook…” he still refused to look her way. With a huff, [Name] steeled herself, “I need to ask you something. So…”

She noticed his shoulders tense at her request, and after a long while of fiddling with his thumbs, he suddenly stood up, mumbled a small, “fine,” and walked out the classroom. His reaction was probably nothing to worry about, but… [Name] still couldn't help but wince.

Before [Name] scrambled after him, she looked to [Friend’s Name] for some silent support. The brown haired girl could only offer a half-hearted thumbs up, but the gesture was enough.

Outside, Jungkook was waiting for her. He seemed to be… talking to himself? She couldn't make out what he was saying exactly, but from his facial expression, it looked like he was pumping himself up for something.

[Name] couldn't help but laugh at how silly he looked, which caught his attention. His cheeks flushed crimson for a second, “so what do you want?”

He once again refused to meet her eyes. How stubborn.

“Well, I guess I'll just be straight with you. [Friend’s Name] always said that's the best way to deal with things like this.” [Name] took a deep breath and let out a slow, hesitant breath, “do you… Not like me?”

“Huh?”

“I mean, it's fine if you don't. I know I can be annoying. I'm overly affectionate and I'm sensitive… the list goes on. So, yeah, it's fine if you don't, but—”

For the first time, Jungkook turned to face her, his expression stern, “what are you talking about?”

“About how you… think I'm annoying?”

And then, Jungkook did the unexpected. He started laughing. Laughing! How did [Name] manage to embarrass herself so quickly? Oh man, she just wanted to go lock herself in a bathroom stall.

“N-Nevermind! I'll just go…” just as she was about to turn tail and leave, Jungkook stopped his laughter, clearing his throat.

“No, wait, I'm sorry for laughing. I didn't mean to make you feel bad, it's just…” he stopped laughing, but he still couldn't hide a smile, “it's funny to me how you could even think that.”

[Name] blinked. It took a moment for her to figure out what he meant, “so… You don't hate me?”

Jungkook made a face, as if she had just asked the stupidest question in the world, “no. Why would I?”

She felt a wave of relief wash over her. [Name] looked up at him, sharing a smile. It quickly vanished when she thought back to his behavior, “wait, but then why do you always avoid me?”

His goading smile from before turned timid, and he looked away again, “uh, well, it's… complicated. I don't really want to get into it.”

Nope, she wasn't gonna take that as an answer. All this time she thought Jungkook hated her; she had to get to the bottom of this.

So, she harder her expression, stepped close, and poked his chest, “nuh-uh, you're gonna tell me whether you want to or not.”

Jungkook groaned. His head hung, and when he looked up again, he wore a frown, but his cheeks were a bright cherry color, “fine! I'll… I'll tell you.”

His eyes turned determined, and it was then [Name] realized how close they were. Her heart began to hammer in her chest. Was he always so tall? From afar he didn't seem so, but… he was so much taller than she was.

She felt as if she was gonna faint from how uncomfortably fast her heart was beating, so she wanted him to hurry up and spit out what he was going to say. But why was she so nervous right now? What was going through her head? Great, she was overreacting again, she really had to—

“I like you!”

“What?!”

The blushing, his constant avoidance, how shy he was with her compared to [Friend’s Name]… God, it all made sense! How could she be so blind?! She was worried for nothing!

[Name] impulsively hugged Jungkook, too happy to care about the consequences, “I'm so glad! You don't know how relieved I am! I actually thought you hated me, but no! You had a crush on me!”

“W-Wait, you can't just do that!”

“Do what?”

He pointed to her arms, and she blushed a bit herself, quickly moving away, “sorry, I just got really happy…”

“No, it's… I didn't mind it.”

The way he was hiding so hard to hide his shy smile… [Name]’s heart grew ten times larger in that moment.

“You're so cute, Jungkook.”

“Huh? Don't say that! Are you trying to kill me?” He looked like he wanted to escape, and as much as she enjoyed his reaction to her compliment, [Name] knew it was time to admit her own feelings.

“Jungkook?”

He looked a little peeved, but he replied, “what now?”

“I like you too.”

He blushed again, rubbing the back of his neck. His smile was full blown now, “really? I'm… glad.”

“Can I call you, Kookie now?”

“No way, if you do that you'd have to arrange my funeral.”

[pxiao]

Reasons I’m glad V///R is dead and gone forever

So V//R is dead and cancelled and my only reaction is FINALLY. Since VR is gone and we can finish forgetting the forgettable show and get rid of all our salt. You’re free to add to the post but there are rules. 

1. DO NOT TAG IT SO THE FANS CAN SEE. As much as I hate the show and the fandom even they don’t deserve to see people bashing the show in their tag. 

2. Don’t write the name of the show or the characters. Use /// or ---- in the character’s name like Yu///saku so the tumblr search can’t pull them up

ok good? Good. 

Everyone but Yu///saku is worthless. 

Seriously when have any of the characters actually progressed the story? Potentially only SB have done anything truly worthwhile. Everyone else was just to die to build tension for Yu//saku. And if you’re asking for RE///volver. OHHH I have a section just for him, don’t you worry.

Sto//rm Acc/ess aka Yu//saku is such a shitty duelist that the MINORITY of his duels has him not cheating. 

SERIOUSLY it’s written that Yu//saku can get a random extra deck monster with his skill BUT the issue is despite it being “random” Yu//saku ALWAYS gets the monster he needs to win. NOT ONCE IN THE 100+ EPISODE HAS HE GOTTEN A USELESS CARD. ALWAYS THE ONE HE NEEDS. Totally doesn’t seem like plot armor. And you know it wouldn’t be as big of an issue IF HE DIDN’T USE IT FOR EVERY SPE///ED DUEL!!!!!!!! For a character that the show likes to say is “invincible” he sure isn’t good enough to win with the deck he built. It got ridiculous with his duel with G/oo in season 2 where G//o countered his skill BUT A//i revealed it had a secondary effect that let him draw a card AND still get a new extra deck monster. 

Plot twists: 

They fall into two camps, “we already knew you dumbasses” or “THE HELL WERE YOU GUYS SMOKING!” Essentially the twists are obvious like A///i was based off of Yu//saku’s data as why wouldn’t he be. Or the dumb ones like Spec///tre beating A///oi or somehow Spec//tre had CONSCIOUS TREE AS A MOTHER. There have been a few twists that I can count that surprised me but they lead to other twists that fall back into stupid.  

the “Plot” just plain doesn’t exist.

 It’s just things happening with some connecting plot lines BUT they rarely lead into each other. Light///ning revealed that his plan was happening THE EXACT SAME TIME as season 1′s finale. A//i being the villain is more due to Light//ning’s simulation somehow proving that A///i will destroy humanity than the fact that A/i’s the only Ig//nis left. And each season’s arc has no connecting plot either. Season 1 can be broken down to Yu//saku gets A//i which has him meet the “main cast” and then Yu///saku go to S//OL for info that was TOTALLY pointless. Which is isolated from Re//volver setting a virus that traps you on the internet which leads to Re//volver learning Yusa//ku’s face AND MEETING HIM but does jack shit with that info. And then Re///volver’s final plan happens that was based on timing than anything else. 

Does that seem disjointed? YEP because there is no narrative at all, things are just happening. There is a vague connection at best but none of the characters’ actions actually affect how the story goes. THE FRUSTRATING PART IS THEY SET UP MOMENTS WHERE THEY COULD HAVE BUT THEY DIDN’T. SEASON 2 AND 3 IS THE SAME THINGS JUST HAPPEN AND THEN YU//SAKU HAS TO SAVE THE FUCKING DAY. V/R has no rhyme or reason why things happen, they just do and let me tell you, that’s fucking boring.

The Yu//saku praise

 My fucking god. Look the protagonist getting praised isn’t new, it happens with each series BUT the issue is the volume that Yu//saku gets and how early he gets it. Most protagonists have to wait till at least the second series before the population love them. Yu///saku got it by the THIRD EPISODE. BY. BEAT. A. MOOK. He was called a hero, people were saying he was hot, people were copying his avatar. AND IT NEVER STOPPED. EVERY OTHER EPISODE HAS SOMEONE SAY HE’S AMAZING, STRONG AND SOOO IMPORTANT. 

An A//oi episode in season 1 has a less than five minute section just to show that a kid HERO WORSHIPS YU//SAKU AND WAS IT. The kid appears with an avatar based on PM, PM saves him and tells the kid to trust him to save and then the kid logs out. AND THIS HAPPENS CONSTANTLY. “YU//SAKU IS INVINCIBLE”, “YU//SAKU IS MY HERO!”, “EVERYONE DEPENDS ON YOU YU//SAKU”. IT’S BEEN AN ENTIRE SHOW OF PEOPLE SINGING YU///SAKU’S PRAISES AND THE WORST PART OF IT IS, HE DESERVES NONE OF IT.

The setting. 

Let me ask ... THE FUCK IS IT. What even is Link Vr//ains? Is it a game, a site, a program? WHY IS IT ONLY IN DE///N CITY? WHY IS DESTROYING IT WILL LEAD TO THE ENTIRE INTERNET CRASHING???????? Link Vr///ains is something that NEEDS to be explained but the show NEVER DOES. HELL IT NEVER EVEN TRIES. 

The girls

Jesus christ ... the girls are .... just sad. A///oi ... my fucking god A//oi. A///oi’s personality starts and ends with “onii-sama”. NEARLY EVERY MOTIVE OF HER’S IS I WANT TO DO SOMETHING FOR MY STEPBROTHER. Everything else is a passing fancy. Mi///yu? Yeah nice motivation but that’s why her two duels as BM in season 2 is more about her relationship with Ak//ira than her “friend”. 

Em//ma’s backstory was absorbed into BS’ despite the fact he was a new addition when Em//ma was around since season 1. 

Vir//ya is just a bit character meant to fill out the remain KOH, since their return in season 2, she haven’t done anything of value. 

Qu///een ... why is she there? I mean she appeared in a Bikini ... in virtual reality. seriously there is no point in that shit, and then did nothing besides watch over Ear//th’s death and then lost to A//i when her skill was named honey trap. 

Mi////yu is so unimportant we haven’t gotten a scene of her out of flashback despite being a lost chi//ld.   

Back to A//oi, it’s not even that A//oi isn’t important,sadly that’s not uncommon in YGO, it’s the fact EACH TIME SHE TRIES TO DO SOMETHING, THE SHOW PUNISHES HER FOR IT. She tries to be a symbol for people, it’s stupid why she trying but still, Spec///tre reveals he was toying with her the entire time and she had no chance. She tries to get stronger in season 2, SB beats cause she doesn’t have an Ig//nis and then she does nothing for half the season. She tries to save her “childhood friend”, Bow//man beats her and takes her consciousness so Yu//saku has to save her ... again. She tries to protected Ak//ira, A//i beats them and only takes A//oi to taunt her over her failure. THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE SHOW, ANYTIME A//OI TRIES TO DO ANYTHING, THE SHOW BEAT HER UP AS IF TO SAY, YOU SHOULDN’T DO ANYTHING EVER. Great message there. 

Simulations

You know as people there are plenty of reasons that conflict starts, greed, hate, anger, lust, desperation to survive, hunger. And how does conflict start in V/r? FUCKING SIMULATIONS. EVERY SINGLE CONFLICT IN THIS SHOW IS BECAUSE OF A SIMULATION. K//OH are a thing cause Kog///ami did a simulation that showed that the Ig//nis are learning TOO FAST AND WILL CAUSE THE END OF HUMANITY. Ligh///tning turned evil because he learned no matter what he can NEVER BE FRIENDS WITH HUMANITY CAUSE OF A SIMULATION. A///i turning “evil” because he’s doom to end the world cause of you guessed it a SIMULATION. Simulations are just tools and are NEVER THE FINAL RESULT. There are too many variables to truly make an 100% accurate simulation BUT HERE THEY ACT AS IF SIMULATIONS ARE A FUCKING GOSPEL. IT’S STUPID AND INCREDIBLY LAZY THAT THE CAUSE OF ALL the conflict in this show is because of independent simulations.  

Mental illness

As a person with a mental illness and went to therapy I can say this, VR doesn’t deserve any brown points for covering mental illness. If anything VR touching mentally illness takes points away. I have already said my piece on how poorly VR tackles mental illness. But my take away is this when it comes to mental illness VR is a absolutely horrible.

Rev///ovler

Re//voler is in all honestly a shitty character despite what his fans think. He’s an asshole that has no drive of his own. He admit he does this all BECAUSE OF HIS DAD. The one time he did do something of his own accord, turn his dad in, he later regretted so much that he refuses to do it again. LOOK I can understand missing your father despite the fact he’s trash, human relationships are complex BUT RE///VOLVER BEING “FATHER I WILL NEVER EVER GO AGAINST YOU AGAIN DESPITE THE FACT YOU KIDNAPPED KIDS AND THEN TORTURED THEM BECAUSE YOU FELT SAD HUMAN WILL EVENTUALLY GO EXTINCT ONLY TO TURN ON YOUR CREATIONS” IS FUCKING STUPID. And then he goes the EXTRA MILE OF ASS and says to Yu//saku’s face that he REGRETS SAVING HIS LIFE TWICE. And he never apologized either. 

Also his “development” is forced as shit, Revo//lver never develops onscreen or shows signs of changing, just the show and characters say OH YES RE//VOLVER CHANGED.... IN A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME.  Honestly after his return in season 2 where he showed he DIDN’T CHANGE, then he tries to help Hom//ura despite telling Yu//saku he regrets saving him. WHY THE CHANGE. HE HAS SEEN NOTHING THAT MADE HE FEEL SYMPATHY FOR THE LOST KI//DS. BUT HE’S ALL OF A SUDDEN KIND TO HO///MURA. AND THEN AFTER HE LOSES TO LIGH//TNING AND SAY’S A/I NAME, ONLY TO SNAP BACK IN SEASON 3 AND WANTS TO KILL A///I. What I’m saying is, he has no real character development, you can tell what the show WANTED him to become but my god they were too lazy to actually show him changing. 

Yu//saku

OH BOY this is going to be long. Yu//saku is by far the WORST WRITTEN PROTAGONIST IN YGO HISTORY.  He has no personality and no real background besides HE WAS TORTURED, POOR HIM!!!!! Seriously what was his life like before the Lo//st Incident. What did he like to do, did he have friends, where the fuck are his parents. There is no information about him, past or present. Like his current “personality”, WHAT IS IT besides he’s stoic/emotionless. He’s not nice or even mean anymore. He has no likes or even dislikes. All we know is he’s determined ... and that’s it. Yu//saku is a blank slate for the viewers to project on. Yu//saku is honestly NOTHING. 

Honestly, Yu///saku isn’t strong as he cheats the MAJORITY of his duels, he isn’t smart as rarely does he do anything that’s smart, wanting to brutal force the solution and he doesn’t follow his own advice. 

Yu//saku: Bonds are important and the only thing that are absolutes

Yu//saku then fucks off for 3 MONTHS NOT TELLING ANYONE

And like Re//volver, his “development” is forced as hell. He just says things that make no sense for him to say. Yu//saku shouldn’t say revenge doesn’t help WHEN IT OBVIOUSLY DID. The show was supporting him and he got the guy that kidnapped him killed and then he got better. HELL JI//N WAS SAID TO GET BETTER ONCE THE K//OH WERE BEAT.   

[stillness-in-green]

Salt-Sweet Curse (4/?)

The backstory doesn’t drop, but the other shoe certainly does.  

(More Mermaid AU for @codenamesazanka and anybody else who’s enjoying it, as I most certainly am.)

“So what’s at this exhibit, anyway?”

“You could have asked me that before you ran off.”

“A chance to get clean’s more exciting than a museum exhibit.  Now your other arm,” Toga instructed with a grin.  She’d returned from her excursion with a sack full of cosmetics and towels, and despite his initial reluctance, had demonstrated on her own body that the various creams and powders and oils left her totally tailless.   He’d refused to let her rub him down but consented to being toweled off, if only to get her focused on any other topic.

“I already told you it’s not at a museum.”  Shigaraki rolled his eyes and shifted positions, holding out his right arm.  She took his wrist in one hand and set to scrubbing his bare skin up and down with the intensity of a dishwasher tackling one particularly stubborn bit of dried food.  The entire room smelled of roses and allegedly-water-lilies.

They’d spent the night in a boarded-up, vacant bar and were now killing time until the afternoon.  Too early, and all the staffers would still be fresh.  Too late, and he might not get enough time to look around.  The sweet spot would be just as the bulk of classes would be letting out.

The University of Foreign Studies in Kyoto was holding a month-long exhibit on world mysticism.  Shigaraki had tried temple purifications, he’d tried reiki, he’d tried waterfall meditations and sacred salts and bloodletting and every other kind of cure and blessing Japan’s native traditions had to offer.  None had worked, and while he didn’t exactly think he was going to find a cure-all sitting under glass at a college show, at least it might give him a few new leads to follow.

Toga listened—or did a fair job of faking it—to his clipped explanation, scooting around halfway through to rub down his back.  Honestly, he had no idea if walking in smelling like a cosmetics counter was less likely to get them kicked out than just going in like he normally would, but the white cotton was definitely coming away from Toga’s fierce scouring visibly begrimed, so he couldn’t argue that he wasn’t at least cleaner.

“Can we get food after?” she asked eventually, as Shigaraki ferociously toweled dry shampoo out of his hair.  “I bet there’s all kinds of neat little places around!”

“You spent the last of your money on that takoyaki last night,” he pointed out sourly, swiping traces of white powder off his shoulders.

Toga giggled, flipping him a carefree wave.

“We’ll be wandering around a campus with a bunch of other people today!” she assured him, blithe and cheerful.  “I’ll get more.”

“If you get arrested for pickpocketing, I don’t have a way to break you out.”

That sent her into a fresh peal of laughter, as if the very idea was hysterical.  Shigaraki snorted and reached past her for his discarded hoodie, giving it a cautious sniff.  The smell of artificial lavender still clung to the fabric.  Ugh.  He was cleaner than he could remember being since the Edo period, but did it have to be so much work?

             ---   ---   ---             ---   ---   ---

It took Toga less than half an hour to get bored.  She popped up in front of Shigaraki, grinning from behind a 2000 yen note, and he waved her off with a grumble of, “Don’t be gone for too long,” and went back to poring over an exhibit about Tibetan singing bowls.

In retrospect, that was probably too vague.  Their definitions of “too long” definitely wouldn’t match up—how could they?  So after another hour, when there was no sign of her having returned, Shigaraki rubbed at his head in irritation, did one last circle around the room to mentally note the different traditions, and then headed out.

It didn’t take much wandering to find the campus store.  No sign of her there, and he was not so desperate that he was going to approach the bored-looking cashier.  He filched a magazine on the way out—cellphones made it so much easier for people to miss such little acts of thievery.

Where next…?  She’d had a few sips of his cheap umeshu that morning, and it had to have run through her system by now.  He scowled, rolling up the magazine and stuffing it into one of the pockets in his hoodie.

If I have to sneak her out of here and back to the sea because she got her ass splashed by toilet bowl water…  I really will fucking scale her.

The peal of laughter cut his hunt for Toga and/or women’s bathrooms short.  That was her, all right, her voice bouncing up and off the walls of a thin walk between two buildings.  He eased out of his impatient stalk and into a lazy stroll, shoring himself up against warm brick to eavesdrop.  

Well, to attempt to eavesdrop.  Toga’s voice was chirpy enough that he could make out the odd phrase or enthusiastic declarative—“Tokyo,” “literature class,” “How cool!”—but the man accompanying her was lower-toned, speaking no words Shigaraki could parse, just warm, polite cadences and a periodic chuckle.

He let it go on until the heat beating against his black clothes had begun to draw a sweat he could smell in crests over the remnants of the morning’s floral assault.  With several minutes having passed and no sudden grunts or soft gurgling sounds seeming imminent, he gave up and turned the corner.  If he was lucky, the library here wouldn’t require a student ID and he could get some research in, but not if he just lurked around out here all afternoon.

The gap ran back most of the length of the buildings, closed off at the rear by a connecting brick wall.  Toga sat perched on an outdoor table near the back, legs swinging cheerfully beneath her.  She spotted Shigaraki as soon as he stepped into the space.  Her companion—big, broad-shouldered, dressed nice but not too nice, like he was meeting someone for a casual lunch—turned at Toga’s wave.  

“Your friend?” he queried as Toga hopped down from the table.  Shigaraki stopped halfway in, hands in his pockets, watching them.

“My friend,” Toga confirmed with a bright smile.  She all but danced up to him, hands behind her back, a small plastic bag swaying around one wrist.  “All done looking around?”

“I want to check the library,” he answered, and added with a snort, “No need to stop chattering on my account, if you think you’d get bored.”

“Rude,” she clucked, but her grin didn’t budge.  “I can find something to read.”

Shigaraki felt the weight of a stare on his face; he looked over at the man Toga’d been talking to, scowling.  What, like I’m the suspicious one here?  I might have just saved your life.

The guy didn’t look old enough to be a professor, but maybe old enough to be assisting one, with blandly handsome features and neatly trimmed hair.  The eyes were sharp, though, bright and crinkling at the edges from the calm, knowing smile on his face.

Shigaraki felt the hair on the back of his neck rise on the sudden wash of intuitive terror.  He didn’t know the face, didn’t know the voice, but he knew that smile.

No.  Fuck, no, what the fuck is he, how the fuck did he no no no—

Toga yammered something he couldn’t hear over the sudden tidal roaring in his ears.  The man walked closer, gaze unwavering.  As he closed the distance, a gust of wind twirled through the small common, kicking up swirls of stray leaves and discarded bits of paper.

On the breeze came the smell of the sea.

            ---   ---   ---             ---   ---   ---

A sun-bright outdoor deck, floorboards polished to a shine.  The air stitched with the cries of gulls, lingering and distant.  A day too warm and kind for the ice running down his spine at the words that man had been saying on the other side of the paper-screen door.

“He will become the next ‘me’.”

            ---   ---   ---             ---   ---   ---

Sakai-san had moved to stand between them and the exit, which Toga had honestly been expecting pretty much since she let him walk her in here to begin with.  Of course, at that point, she’d only been expecting some garden variety sexual harassment, and debating whether a good bloodletting would be worth interrupting Shigaraki’s time at the exhibit and his annoyance afterward.

But Shigaraki’s face had gone a pasty color that reminded her of mushroom flesh, or the pale grubs that clustered on the underside of fallen trees in deep forests—not comparisons she’d have been able to make just a month ago, but accurate ones all the same.  He stood rigid beside her, wide red eyes fixed on Sakai-san.

And I thought he was just wearing a nice cologne.  Silly me.

“It’s good to see you again, Tenko,” Sakai-san greeted, and everything about his expression—the kind look in his eyes, the gentle smile, the tilt of his head—said he really, truly meant it.

“That’s not my name anymore,” Shigaraki hissed, thin hands clenched at his sides.

“I’d be happy to call you by whatever the young lady does, if you prefer.”  He nodded towards Toga and, when Shigaraki didn’t respond, huffed a laugh.  “No, I didn’t think so.  Have you been keeping well?  You certainly seem in a better state than the last time I saw you.  A woman’s touch, perhaps?”

“You set the exhibit up,” Shigaraki ground out.  “How many people do you have here?”

“Now, now.  I only want to—”

Toga reached into the bag from the school store, noting the way both their gazes jumped to her, Shigaraki staring like he’d forgotten she was even there, Sakai-san—the mysterious All for One?—with a sudden cold warning on his face.  She pulled out a Kit Kat (strawberry cheesecake flavor) and made a show of peeling back the colorful plastic.  

“Don’t mind me,” she said, flapping one hand at them and taking a large bite.  Through a mouthful of wafer, she added, “You’ve got me curious!”

Shigaraki bolted—or tried to, but Probably All for One was somehow even faster, and sidestepped, catching her friend’s shoulder in a friendly-looking grip that still nearly pulled Shigaraki off his feet.  “Ah, ah.  I came to talk, Tenko.  Give me the dignity of a few minutes, at least.”  His mouth said at least, but his tone said or else.  Toga took another bite of her snack, rustling the wrapper, and this time neither of them paid her any mind.

So far, so good.  Tenko, huh?

“I don’t have anything to say to you,” Shigaraki said in a hollowed-out voice.  Toga frowned to herself.  He really was scared, poor thing, his shoulders hunched into a familiar curve—the same defensive posture from that first afternoon beneath the bridge, as the rain broke and re-broke the river into dancing fragments.  Clear skies all day today, though—they’d listened to the forecast this morning on their scavenged little radio and everything.

“I’m not asking you to talk to me, am I?” All for Sakai-san countered, amused.  “Now, I’ve recently made the acquaintance of a certain doctor.  He and I have been conducting some research that I think would be of some interest to you.”  Shigaraki’s mouth twisted in the way it always did just before he was about to say something really viciously derisive; the other man rode right over it.  “This new body of mine—I didn’t come by it in the usual way.”

Toga blinked; it was an easy response, and when the man shot her a glance to gauge her reaction, it was still easier to let herself lean into the surprise, shade it with puzzlement.

“You haven’t told her yet, have you?” he asked.

“He hardly tells me anything,” Toga confirmed over Shigaraki’s stubborn silence, and this prompted another warm chuckle.

When he looked away again, she reached back into her bag, her hand closing on smooth plastic.  She hadn’t been expecting to need this anywhere near so soon.  What would her daily fortune have had to say, if she’d had a newspaper or a smartphone or anything at all to check it with this morning?

What would my daily fortune have had to say about any of the last few weeks? she wondered as she pulled out the small bottle.  Oh, well.  I think I’ve been lucky, and that’s what counts.    

“Of course you’re aware of my regenerative abilities,” All for One was saying.  “The old beliefs say that the heart is the core of such powers, but modern science suggests it's actually the brain that—”

Shigaraki was standing nearly at arm’s length from All for One, who still held his shoulder in an unrelenting grasp.  It was probably far enough away, though, as long as she was careful with her aim.  Toga took one dainty step, adjusting her position and unscrewing the cap on the bottle with the Kit Kat wrapper to keep her bare skin from touching the lip of the plastic.

All for One’s gaze swung up to her just as her arm swung up to him.  He really was fast, she thought, admiring the way he tried to twist Shigaraki between himself and the arc of liquid that gleamed, briefly, in the shadows.

Shigaraki, who hadn’t even glanced her way, dropped rather than fight the drag, knees folding beneath him.  Toga had been aiming high in any case, though.  The water—plain old bottled drinking water—caught All for One full across the face.

He staggered back two steps and Shigaraki ripped himself free.  Toga conscientiously lobbed the bottle towards the back wall and, before it had even hit the cement, broke into a sprint, seizing one of Shigaraki’s sleeves on her way past.

“He told me enough!” she called gaily to All for One as his legs gave out.  He hit the ground with a heavy thud and Toga bit her lip, grin aching on her face, at the look he gave her as she shot past him.  Understanding, even a note of admiration, and the promise of malice so bright and clear he might as well have been raising a celebration toast.

Shigaraki fell into stride behind her as they broke back into the sunlight, and her heart sang in her chest as his cool fingers groped and clutched and wrapped around her wrist, tight with fear and desperate as a prayer.

They ran, leaving the sound of tearing fabric behind.

------   ------   ------   ------   ------   ------   ------   ------   ------   ------   ------   ------   

          “He will become the next me,” is the line that turned my feelings on Shigaraki from, “Ugh, why would you waste such a great design on such a trite light novel nihilist?” to, “GO, HAND-MAN, GO GO GO!”  I assumed All for One, with his thrashed-to-within-an-inch-of-his-life body, was setting Shigaraki up for some kind of body-thief plotline, and obviously, the bratty, petulant Shigaraki was no match for the experienced, meticulous manipulator that was his Sensei.  Immediately, my root-for-the-narrative-underdog instincts kicked in.*

That’s not the way the story ended up going, of course, but the thought has remained with me, an important milestone in my relationship with Shigaraki as a character, so when I saw the opportunity to use the line more literally in this AU, I grabbed it with both hands and didn’t look back.  

*See also: Gaelio Bauduin.

[calliecat93]

RvB17 Episode 9 Review: Succession

You know something that's gotten on my last nerve dear readers? Nostalgia banking. What should be a good feeling about seeing something that you once loved and haven't seen in so long has now become a cheap cash0in for the media. It's now just lazy and downright insufferable with the constant reboots and remakes of nostalgic properties, like every Disney thing ever in the past decade. Why am I bringing this up? Because while it's nowhere near as bad as with other things, this season of RvB is very much counting on nostalgia to help win it over, just look at the Freelancer fan-service in Episode 5. It was fan-service that made sense in context in all fairness... but still fan-service. And that is the ONLY excuse as to why we're doing Felix again.

Alright, let's quit with the bitching and get to the reviewing.

Overview

Tucker has gone back to S11, at the moment where they lose half the team tot he Feds at Crash Site Bravo. The problem causing the paradox? Genkins has possessed Lopez Dos.0 and is making it so that the Reds and Blues win. As such, Tucker has to ensure that they lose and recreate the circumstances that lead to one of the worst days of his life. Damn,t hat's harsh bro. But he does it, even taking one of Genkins' attacks at point blank since Genkins still can't harm a shisno. Tucker takes him down, and as such aside from some minor differences, the overall conditions go as they are meant to. Genkins retreats.

The scene cuts to later, where Felix is talking to Tucker about what happened and it's still when he had his good guy facade. Tucker I going along with it... until he starts hearing voices telling him to kill Felix. The voice? Genkins, who jumped into the AI module in Tucker's armor. He tries to convince Tucker to kill Felix before he can betray them... but Tucker refuses. There's already a plan in place, and not even Genkins reminding him that it's Donut's plan deters him. He recalls how, since Chorus, he's tried to act as a leader should... but in reality, he just acted even more like an egotistical battle. But now he realizes that a leader is someone who steps up and does what needs to be done, something that Donut has so far done moreso than anyone else. Realizing that he's failed, Genkins retreats once more.

Tucker goes back to Iris, the agreed meeting point, where Donut already is. Sarge comes back briefly... where Donut informs him that he caused a Paradox, so Sarge goes away to... probably deal with that. This makes Donut concerned that maybe he didn't explain the plan too well... only for Tucker to tell him that he's doing perfectly fine. Donut's touched, though Tucker tells him to quit acting like an angsty bitch, so we can't get too happy feelsy. With that encouragement, Donut jumps to at some point in S7, where he confronts Genkins in The Meta. It is at this point that Donut points out something. Chrovos doesn't give power, she takes it. There is no guarantee whatsoever that she will hold up her end of the bargain with Genkins. Will Genkins really get the ultimate power that he wants? This seems to affect the Trickster God, as he jumps out.

Meanwhile, Wash and Carolina are talking at a cliffside where Carolina again apologizes for her actions in the last season. Wash is still forgiving, even kind of glad that he got to experience a period without brain damage for a little while. Yes my friends, there is still one more paradox that has to be fixed: the last one. The one that began all of this to begin with: Wash being shot. He knows that, in order to save the universe, it has to happen and he seems to have come to terms with it. Carolina is understandably not happy to hear this. She's downright tearful, but in the end, she understands that it has to be. Wash emphasizes that regardless of everything and no matter what happens, he loves Carolina before jumping. Carolina takes a moment to compose herself before she follows.

Back in Chrovos' domain, Genkins returns and Chrovos... she's not unhappy but she's not pleased either. Why? As it turns out not only are no new cracks forming, but all of the previous ones are now disappearing due to the damage being repaired. Only a small amount remains now, and Chrovos wants to know what's going on. Genkins reports about the Shisno being awake, which seems to... make Chrovos throw in the towel. Genkins has utterly failed and since she can't go and do anything herself, it means that soon the paradox will be undone, the Gods will have Genkins pay the price for his betrayal, and the only pleasure that Chrovos will get is it hopefully happening in front of her as she remains prison bound for all of eternity.

Genkins, however, says that he has a plan. He points out how Chrovos used time to bring back Donut and place him somewhere before. If he can do that tot he Reds and Blues, they'll be out of the way and Genkins can cause as many paradoxes as he wants. But he doesn't have the power to do this alone... so he asks Chrovos to give him a portion of her's. Chrovos is reluctant since she doesn't have much left as it is, but Genkins points out that all she has to do once freed is kill and adsorb the Reds and Blues energy, and she'll be restored. Genkins, likely out of desperation, complies and transfers the majority of her remaining power. This causes her to collapse, her armor even changing from black to white. She tells Genkins to hurry... but the Trickster God reveals his true intentions. He's going to go back, put the Reds and Blues out of the way, and weaken the prison... so that he can kill Chrovos and take over with the power that she gave him. Chrovos can only take in her error as Genkins goes back tot he Everwhen.

We cut to Season 15/S16's finale where Wash takes in his final moments before getting shot. He begins to walk forward, the others possessing their Season 16 selves, as Wash tosses aside his own gun and holds his arms out. We hear the sound of a gun go off as the scene cuts to black. But, this is not the end, as when the scene cuts back we see the pullet... frozen. In fact, everyone is frozen. Why? Genkins. He appears and informs the group that he's paused the moment for just a bit as he goes to take care of other matters. The bullet drops to the ground and Genkins bids the Reds and Blues farewell, off now that he has all of the time in the world.

Review

This is definitely better than the previous two episodes. IDK what it was about the last two, but they felt... rather rushed and all over the place. Like they wanted to do some character development stuff, but because they only have so much time they had to condense and squeeze it together and... that really made them a mess compared to the episodes before. But thankfully, this one put us back on track. It was emotional, raised the stakes in a way that I did not see coming, and has one Hell of a monster ending that left me utterly anxious. Compared to 7 and 8, which had good moments but was again very condensed and a Hell of a lot confusing, this one had me hanging on every second.

So... let us return to our nostalgia banking topic. As I said above, it's lazy and a cash-in at this point. Now this being a time travel season, I understand that we'd go back through some nostalgic moments. And again, in all fairness, the fan-service moments with the Freelancers were relevant and actually helped advance the plot without being forced. The Mercs though... while they thankfully didn't overpower the plot, going back to them... honestly had zero relevance in comparison. This is probably just me being salty because I've honestly just gotten sick of the Mercs because of how much they get hyped and such. They... or Fel9ix at least, have completed their roles and I want to move on form them. I want to move on to new stories and plotlines, hence why I want Church and Tex to stay dead too. There's this underlying feeling, to me anyway, that this season is relying on the past to get people into it, not moving forward. Although, last season tried that, and many people hated it, so what do I know?

Speaking of the reception to last year... yeah that is the only reason we have Felix and why we had a focus on Tucker. I feel like this moment was Jason, who wrote the episodes and therefore the Tucker scenes that fans had issues with including the infamous talk with Sister, apologizing for the Tucker 'derailment'. And yes, I put derailment in quotes. I know that some felt like Tucker was OOC in the previous season and to a degree S15. He was egotistical, womanizing, and people felt like it was a regression. There was a LOT of push-back on that, so having Tucker relieve one of his worst moments and have to outright re-create it and realize how much he's messed up as a leader up to now felt nice. It's Tucker not acting in a way that he thinks a leader should, but stepping up and doing what has to be done. It's a nice moment of character development and I really hope that it pleased the Tucker fans.

But... my issue is... I didn't think that Tucker was regressed in the previous seasons. He did step up when he needed to. Maybe not so much in 16, but he absolutely did in 15. He is a womanizing asshole, that part of his character had never been addressed at any point until then and yeah, it was a problem. And it's not like they demonized him, he was supposed to realize how bad he had gotten after Sister's verbal beatdown and when he realized what happened to Wash. Oh, and he has yet to take responsibility for proposing the plan that caused the paradox, to begin with, most of that has been on Carolina which is annoying. Don't get me wrong, it is good to see Tucker realize how he fucked up as a leader and can become better and this was a good moment to have him realize it. But it feels unnecessary to me because his character had been fine and we again have to have a nostalgia moment for it. IDK, it just... annoys me. It's a good moment, but I'm mixed about it for the above reasons.

Okay, let's try and talk positively now. Like Wash and Carolina having a moment Yeah, this was going to come sooner or later. We all knew that for this mess to be fixed, Wash was going to have to be shot. He's come to terms with it, knowing that it has to be for the universe's sake. That doesn't make it any less hard though. Carolina broke time to save Wash. Was it ultimately a bad decision? Yes. But it's understandable why she went that route. She made a mistake, one that she is still apologizing for, and wanted to spare Wash of the pain. Not out of guilt, but because she genuinely sees Wash as family and can't stand him being hurt. Jen Brown's absolutely tearful, heartbroken delivery was so perfectly done. You can feel how hurt Carolina is as she has to accept that her efforts were in vain, and outright made things worst. Wash has to be shot. He has to endure cerebral hypoxia. They can't undo the consequences, they have to live with them.

And you know what? Good. Mind you we still have three episodes to go... but I want Wash to keep the brain damage. Look, it sucks that it happened to him... but in the end, it happened. Brain damage is terrible, but you can keep living with it. Wash is still a strong, capable soldier and he still will be even with cerebral hypoxia. He'll only be broken if he allows himself to be. Will he struggle? Of course. Will he need more help now? That goes without saying. Does that make Wash any less of the character that he was? Hell no. Wash has proven multiple times that he can pull through some terrible shit, including having an AI try to kill itself while inside his head. Wash can, and will, get through this. Now again, we have time still so they could find an alternate solution... but I really, really hope that they stick to Wash being brain damaged. I think that there are plenty of people who can be inspired by him and it can take his character, and everyone else really, into some new directions that could be good. We'll see how it goes, but I do hope that they stick to this.

But of course, if it does happen, we're still going to wait a while. Why? Because Genkins is an asshole. Yeah, I... I did NOT see that moment coming. I guess I should have since Genkins is an absolute shit, but... no, I honestly did not see his betrayal of Chrovos coming. The guy really is the God of Tricks, huh? I almost felt bad for Chrovos... almost. Yeah, she still manipulated and hurt a ton of people with her actions so she's still a bitch who kind of had it coming. But Genkins having her power is far worst since he's just outright chaotic. Who knows what the Hell he's going to do now that he can control all of time and can kill Chrovos himself to have all the power to himself. I do kind of like how this was almost framed as a redemption, what with Donut pointing out the uncertainty of Chovos keeping her word. But nope! Genkins is just as evil, and he essentially killed the queen to take her crown. I hate Genkins with a burning passion... but he is a fantastic villain and I fucking love it.

Final Thoughts

We're three episodes away from the end, and I'm still not sure how this is all going to end. While I am certainly mixed on some of the time travel usage and on Tucker's moment, it was overall well handled. And any misgivings I had about it I can forgive for Wash and Carolina's moment and the Genkins betrayal. It was a great episode filled with emotion and surprise, and I am still coming down from it. Will the final few episodes be able to hold up? We shall see in due time... get it? Time reference? Haha... yeah... yeah, I'll just... end the review now. Tootles!

[chasholidays]

I'd like to request a bellarke star wars rebels au (clarke as a rebel captain and bellamy as a jedi survivor accidentally adopting several teenagers sounds about right. if this is selected, the wookiepedia summary is way better than wikipedia's). You're already wonder woman for your regular fics, and I really appreciate you still doing this at all! I hope you have a wonderful holiday season with your wife! And thanks!

“Remind me why I thought this would be a good idea.”

Bellamy collapses onto Clarke with a long sigh, and Clarke smiles, tangles her fingers in his hair to scratch his scalp. “Be more specific.”

“Training Octavia.”

“That one’s easy. She’s your sister, she’s force-sensitive, we don’t know any other Jedi, you’ve been looking for her for as long as I’ve known you–do I need to keep going?”

He makes a face. “I’m not a Jedi.”

Clarke does understand the distinction he’s making. As far as he knows, he was the sole survivor of the Empire’s massacre at his temple, a stroke of luck that she knows doesn’t always feel lucky. He’s had no formal training since, and his attempting to teach someone else when he’s a novice himself in most ways must feel absurd.

But to Clarke, it feels like her refusing to take on the title of captain of the Sylph just because she was never part of a formal military organization. No one’s promoted her, but she has her own ship and her own crew, and that makes her a captain. It’s an issue of semantics, not of skill. Bellamy’s developed his powers over the years, and Clarke would take him in a fight over any so-called Jedi master.

“You’re a good teacher,” she reminds him. “Things are complicated, but that doesn’t mean this was a bad idea. It just means you need to keep working. What happened?”

He shifts his weight off her shoulder, running his own hand through his messy hair. “Nothing special. More of the same, honestly. She’s not making progress as quickly as she should be, she’s frustrated, blaming me.”

“And you’re blaming yourself. You might not be the problem here, Bellamy. Learning takes time and patience, and so far, patience doesn’t seem to be one of your sister’s strengths.”

“Not so far. But I don’t know how to teach that, either. It’s not like I was any better at her age.”

“You’re not that much better now,” she teases, but it’s not really true. Clarke was sixteen when she met Bellamy, so the two of them have gotten to watch each other grow up, have shaped each other, even. She remembers him at first, the hot-headed, angry boy who was trying to hit the Empire anywhere he could, lashing out without any real strategy.

It seemed like such a waste, his throwing away his life after all he’d survived. So she told him she had a ship, and when he asked where it was, she admitted she was getting a ship.

They’d stolen the Sylph together the next day, and they’ve been a team ever since. Other allies have come and gone, people joining the crew and leaving, moving or dying, but she and Bellamy are the core, the beating heart of the ship. There’s no one else in the galaxy she knows as well or trusts as much as him.

“If I’m not any better than I was, you definitely shouldn’t call me a Jedi,” he says, dry.

“If you’re already giving up on your sister, you really aren’t that patient.”

He huffs. “I’m not giving up. Just–”

“Frustrated,” Clarke supplies. “Just like she is.”

“Yeah.”

“It’s okay to give yourself a break. Take a step back, cool off, try again. It’s not going to happen overnight. You know that, don’t let your sister make you forget it.”

“I do know. Thanks.”

She smiles, gives him an unsubtle once over. “Want me to help you forget about it?”

His laugh is a little reluctant, but the heat in his eyes is real enough. “Couldn’t hurt.”

*

Clarke and Bellamy started sleeping together because it was easy. They were two sexually compatible teenagers living on a ship together, drowning in a mess of hormones and adrenaline; not sleeping together would have been so much more difficult. It was a fairly casual arrangement to start, nothing formal, all practicality. If Clarke was in the mood, she’d stop by Bellamy’s bunk, and if he was in the mood too, they’d hook up. Bellamy started returning the favor, and it happened a few times a month, always good, but never anything more than just sex. If one of them was in a relationship, they’d stop, but once they were both single again, they’d start back up.

Clarke couldn’t say exactly when her feelings toward him changed, but she does know exactly when she realized it. It was a few weeks after they’d found Octavia trying to steal from them on a job. Bellamy hadn’t identified her right away–she’d been a baby when he went to the Jedi Temple–but he could tell she was strong in the force, as well as yet another reckless kid who hated the Empire and needed an outlet for that hate.

It probably would have been easier to take her in if she hadn’t been Bellamy’s sister, and force sensitive on top of that. They’ve had a revolving door of angry teenagers who have joined the crew, and they’re usually good with them. But Bellamy and Octavia have years of baggage between them, years of separate pain. It was stressful for everyone, and Bellamy and Clarke spent plenty of time in private, blowing off steam like they always did, nothing remarkable.

Not until she ran into Niylah at one of her favorite bars and Niylah asked if she wanted to go come back to her place and Clarke realized she just–didn’t. Sleeping with Niylah was always fun, good, but all she wanted to do was finish her drink and go back to the ship, make sure Bellamy wasn’t stressing too hard about what he was going to teach his sister.

It was the first moment she realized that he was the only one she wanted, and it’s something she’s still struggling with. If she was smart, she wouldn’t still be fucking him, or she’d be trying to talk to him about it, but it’s not as if their status quo is bad. It’s the best thing she’s ever had.

But now she knows she’s in love with him.

He’s worn out enough to fall asleep as soon as they’re done, but Clarke’s mind is still working overtime and she can’t drift off, no matter how warm his arms are and how soft his bunk.

She extricates herself from him carefully, smiling at the grumpy protest.

“Where are you going?” he asks, already half asleep.

“Checking our course one more time. We’re going close to the asteroid belt.”

“You should come back when you’re done.”

She pulls on her clothes, opens her mouth to say something, but he’s already asleep again, so she just leans down to press a kiss to his forehead on her way out.

Aside from Octavia, the crew has been stable for a while now, and as far as Clarke’s concerned, they could stay like this forever. Lincoln is playing dejarik with Murphy–judging from Murphy’s frantic whirring and Lincoln’s smirk, Lincoln is winning–while Raven tinkers with some piece of tech, an odd sort of family scene. Octavia’s door is closed, so Clarke assumes she’s either asleep or sulking, like her brother. They’re all good people, a good team with diverse skills, united in their desire to bring the Empire down.

This could last for a long time, if none of them fuck it up.

“Murphy, did you finish checking they hyperdrive?” she asks the droid.

She’s not completely fluent in binary, but she’s picked up enough that she understands Murphy is talking way too much, saying way too little, and absolutely bullshitting her, so she holds up her hand to stop his protestations.

“You can finish your game, then do the hyperdrive. If we get killed because you’re lazy–”

He whirs indignantly, and Lincoln rolls his eyes.

“I’m about to win anyway.”

“I’ll make sure he gets it done,” says Raven, standing and wiping her hands on her slacks. “How far out are we?”

“I was just going to check the projections. Why?”

“I need parts. Sooner rather than later.”

“For what? Do we need to make an emergency stop?”

“Murphy, for a start.” He beeps indignantly and Raven rolls her eyes. “What, you don’t want to get fixed? I don’t have to do this for you.” He doesn’t have any objections to that, and Raven turns her attention back to Clarke. “Yeah, he can wait. But I’ll eel better once I have the parts I need.”

“Nothing that’s going to raise flags on an Imperial planet, right?”

“Standard repair stuff.” She pauses, cocks her head at Clarke. “Did something happen with the Blakes?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that Bellamy stormed out of training and then Octavia yelled that he shouldn’t come back and stormed into her room, and I haven’t seen either of them since. When does this get bad enough that we worry about it?”

“Define worry.”

“Is one of them going to bail?”

“No,” says Clarke, a little too quickly.

Raven’s eyebrows shoot up. “You sure about that?”

“It’s a rough adjustment period. But Octavia needs a teacher and Bellamy is it. They’ll work it out.”

“Nothing like a total lack of options to make you feel good about your group dynamics.”

Clarke scowls; wishing the sex endorphins had lasted longer. That would have been nice. “Is there a reason you’re asking about this now?”

“Because we’ve got a job to do. Look, I’m not trying to be an asshole,” she adds, crossing her arms over her chest as Clarke double-checks the course headings. “I just don’t want Blake-sibling drama to hit a breaking point in the middle of an Imperial base. I know you’re doing your best to fuck the angst out of Bellamy, but that’s an uphill battle. If they end up getting us all killed because they can’t keep it together–”

“I don’t think they’re a liability. Bellamy isn’t. I’m not just saying that because we’re–whatever.”

“That’s what you’re calling it?” Raven asks, eyebrows raised.

“He’s having trouble teaching her, not doing his job.”

“And you two are good?”

“Which of us?”

“Any of you, I guess. But I was thinking you and Bellamy.”

“What would be wrong with us?”

Raven shrugs. “I don’t know. You seem different.”

“Both of us?”

“Now I know something’s up,” she says. “What happened?”

“Nothing! Everything’s the same as always. We’re fine. He’s just stressed and I’m worried about him. I always worry about him.”

“Yeah, I know. That’s your thing. But I’m not used to worrying about everyone.”

“But you are?”

She shifts a little, awkward. “This is a good gig. Probably the best one I ever had. I don’t want anything to happen to it.”

“I don’t either. I promise I’m not worried.”

“Not more worried than usual, you mean.”

“Normal worried.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

“No problem. Is that all?”

“Just an ETA and a schedule so I know when I can pick up the parts I need.”

“I can do that. Goodnight, Raven.”

“Night, boss.”

Clarke finishes up slowly, so by the time she’s heading back to bed, all she sees is the sparks from where Murphy is working on the hyperdrive. She hesitates outside her own door, debating for a second before moving down a room, slipping into Bellamy’s instead.

He did tell her to. It wasn’t her idea.

He doesn’t stir as she climbs in next to him, but he does roll over and settle on top of her.

“You came back,” he murmurs.

“You’re warm. Are we good?”

He kisses her shoulder. “Always. Go to sleep.”

It’s easy to believe; Clarke snuggles in close and closes her eyes.

*

It’s not actually their first mission with Octavia, but Clarke does understand Raven’s anxiety. They’re planning to be on Trogan for a while, a month at least, doing recon on Imperial activity there and causing chaos wherever they can. It’s nothing new for most of the crew, but laying low and avoiding Imperial attention is harder the longer you’re on the same planet, and Octavia’s already bad at subtlety. One slip-up could get them all killed.

“I know that,” Octavia snaps, petulant. “How come I’m the only one getting a lecture?”

Clarke takes a measured breath and pastes on a smile. “Because you’re the only one who hasn’t done this before.”

“What do you mean, I haven’t done this before? I grew up on Lothal, I lived my whole life under Imperial control. I know what I’m doing.”

“You lived your life alone under Imperial control,” she corrects, as patient as she can manage. “I’m not questioning your ability to take care of yourself, we all know you can do that. But you’re a part of a team now, and that’s different.”

In a way, she does sympathize with Octavia. She’s a few years younger than the rest of the team, and Bellamy’s little sister on top of that. She’ll have a chip on her shoulder about not being taken seriously until she feels like she is taken seriously, and that could be a while, because she’s wrong, too. She’s not the only one who gets this kind of treatment, she’s just too young to understand that Clarke worries about everyone and everything. It’s her job, as the captain.

But Clarke’s argument at least sways her for now. Her jaw works, but she finally nods. “I guess that’s true.”

It’s a small victory, but she’ll take it. “So you’re going to listen to us and trust us? I’m not just asking you to do that, it’s everyone. That’s what being on a team means.”

The scowl returns, but her voice is steady. “I get it, I’ll listen.”

“Good. And if you have ideas, we want to hear them. I know how you grew up, you’re a good resource for us.”

“Am I? Or am I just Bell’s tag-along little sister?”

Her voice is sharp, the thin veneer of indignation failing to hide her anxiety. Clarke softens, but only internally; showing sympathy would just make it worse.

“You’re a force-sensitive rebel with fighting ability and a history of making trouble for the Empire. We didn’t know you were his sister when he sensed you, and we were still planning to check you out, maybe recruit you. You’re not a pity hire, Octavia. But you’re not a seasoned expert either. The rest of us have more experience than you do, and we’re not being unfair pointing that out. Got it?”

“Got it.”

“Good. You and Lincoln are hitting up Whistler’s Whirlpool. Hang out, play some sabacc, let Lincoln introduce you to some of his contacts. Nothing fancy–this is a long game operation. We want information.”

“What are you and Bell and Raven doing?”

She sounds curious, not defensive, so Clarke figures there’s no harm in telling her. “Raven’s getting parts for ship and Murphy repairs. Me and Bellamy have a cover story that we’re just a pair of traders, so we’re working our contacts. Nothing big, just checking in, seeing if there’s any news. Like I said, we’ll be here for a while. We don’t have to be in a hurry.”

Octavia seems content with this, apparently satisfied that she’s not the only one without an exciting mission on their first day in Trogan. It’s easy to think that rebellions are all sabotage and fighting, but Clarke’s learned that a lot of it is slow, careful work. It’s going to take a long time to beat the Empire, so long none of them might live to see it, but if they rush, they’ll definitely die before the regime falls.

So the six of them split up to take their time. Murphy goes with Raven to get tech, since even droids like a change of scenery, Lincoln shows Octavia to the Whistler’s Whirlpool, and Clarke and Bellamy head to the market to check in with the merchants they know.

“How’s O doing?” Bellamy asks, once they’re far enough from the others. “Is she going to go start a brawl?”

“I don’t think so. I think I convinced her we’re treating her the same as everyone else, and that helped.”

“Everyone thinks rebellion is just blowing things up all the time,” he murmurs, leaning in close so no one will hear. Anyone else would think he was whispering sweet nothings, and in a way, he is. Clarke fell in love with him for things like this. “Unfortunately, we need to have a plan.”

“I think she gets that. And Lincoln definitely does, so maybe he’ll be a good influence. I’m going to avoid putting you two together, by the way.”

He sighs. “Probably a good idea.”

“Not forever,” she adds, giving his hand a quick squeeze. “Just–this time.”

“And maybe for a while longer. I know it’s going to get better. Once she feels like she’s actually progressing with her force powers, she’ll stop being so frustrated.”

“How long does that take?”

He gives her half a smile. “The shitty thing is that being frustrated about your powers makes it harder to get your mind in balance with the force, so–”

“It’s going to be a while.”

“This should help, if it goes well. It’s felt a little like she’s on probation, so far.”

“She’s new,” Clarke grumbles, letting some of her own frustration out. “We’re treating her differently because she doesn’t know what’s happening yet. She hasn’t done any of this stuff before.”

“I know.” He sighs. “You know what she told me yesterday?”

“What?”

“That we haven’t done what she did either. And she was right,” he admits. “She’s been alone for so long. I never had to take care of myself like that.”

“And she never had to be the only survivor of a massacre that killed all her friends,” Clarke points out. “We all come from different places, but if anyone who wants to be part of this crew has to recognize that everyone has something to contribute.”

“I think that’s what I’m worried about,” he admits, soft. “That she doesn’t want to be. I took so many years to find her, and sometimes I feel like all she wants from me is ten steps she can take to become a Jedi and then she’ll be done. If this isn’t a good fit for her, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“You know this isn’t a good fit for everyone. It might not be for her. It’s happened before.”

“She’s my sister, Clarke. Half of why I wanted to be on a ship was to look at her. If she leaves–”

Revelation slams into her, making her blood run cold. “You’d go with her?”

“She probably wouldn’t want me to. And I wouldn’t–” He clears his throat, looks away. “I have no idea what I’d do. The Sylph is my home, and I always thought it would be hers too, if I found her.”

“Yeah,” Clarke says, but her voice is hollow, an echo. She’s never thought anything would make Bellamy leave. She can’t even fathom how empty the ship would feel without him. How empty she’d feel.

“Sorry,” he says. “I’m not–this feels important, right? We’re not even doing anything big, but I feel like I’m on the edge of fucking up and losing her again.”

“You don’t know that.” She swallows, hard. “And you don’t have to throw away everything for her. She doesn’t have to be the only thing you–you’re allowed to have a life of your own, Bellamy. You’re not the same people, you might need different things.”

“I know.”

It doesn’t feel important to make an impassioned plea for him to stay, not then, but it does lodge in her mind. Bellamy leaving had never been something she needed to think about; she always took it for granted that they were a team, and that if he found his sister, that wouldn’t change anything. If he had to leave, she’d go with him.

But Bellamy seems to think he’d be leaving her, and that’s more than Clarke wants to think about right now.

Instead, she throws herself into the mission, which is unfortunately largely because, as she kept telling Octavia, this isn’t exactly one of those jobs that keeps them really busy. It’s a bread-and-butter job, vital to everything they do, but listening to rumors and following up with contacts isn’t exactly a great distraction. She spends as much time as she can updating records, putting things together, trying to pack their schedule so full that Octavia won’t have time to feel restless and discontent.

If she’s lucky, Clarke won’t have time for it either.

It takes a week before anyone calls her out, and to her surprise, it’s Lincoln, not Bellamy.

“I feel like you haven’t left your quarters in days,” he remarks, taking the seat next to her.

“I have.”

“The feeling remains.” He leans forward, watching her. She’s known him for longer than she’s known Bellamy, although it often doesn’t feel like that. She met him first, but he didn’t join the crew for a long time, not until the rebellion on his home planet failed, and he was left as one of the last survivors of his race. Once he’d finished mourning, he asked if there was room on her ship for him, and it always felt like a huge display of trust.

“I’m worried about Bellamy and Octavia,” she says. It shouldn’t be much of a surprise.

He nods. “Raven is too.”

“You’re not?”

“Not the way you are. I worry about how long it’s going to take them to find equilibrium, but I’m not worried that they won’t. It’s just going to take time. From what Bellamy’s said, I thought you knew that.”

“Everyone else is psyching me out,” she says, with a wry smile. “I was feeling fine, but then Raven was worrying, and Bellamy is talking about what he’ll do if his sister leaves–”

“Ah,” says Lincoln. “That’s it.”

She could deny it, but it would only prolong the conversation, and Lincoln would still know. “I didn’t think he’d leave with her. Which is stupid, she’s his sister, of course he wouldn’t leave her.”

“She might not want him to come, if she leaves. They can separate without anyone being abandoned.”

“I know, I’m just not sure he knows.”

“Have you talked to him about it?”

“No.” She smiles. “I don’t want to.”

“You should anyway. People don’t always know how we feel about them.”

“We don’t always want them to know.”

“I don’t know what the point of having a best friend is if you can’t talk to him about what you’re going through. Especially when you’re shutting yourself off so he can’t talk to you either.”

“Sometimes I just like making bad decisions,” she says, and he smiles.

“Well, try not to make them for too long.”

There’s a crash outside and then Octavia yelling, “Murphy!” and frantic beeping sounds, which is enough to get them both up and moving. It’s not really much of a disaster, all things considered–Murphy wanted to stir shit, Octavia had shit to be stirred–and it doesn’t take long to sort out. And by the end, even Octavia is laughing, the camaraderie easy and uncomplicated.

For the first time, Clarke can see how she would fit in here, really fit, instead of just being Bellamy’s sister. It’s a moment that comes for every crew member they keep, not just her, but the relief of it with Octavia is more profound, and when she catches Bellamy’s eye, she knows he’s thinking the same thing. This could work; this could last.

When he goes back to his room after dinner, she waits a few minutes before following him back. The door is closed, but it opens when she buzzes, and he doesn’t look that surprised to see her.

“Hey. Everything okay?”

She slides inside, waiting for the door to slide shut behind her before she admits, “You scared me.”

His concern melts into confusion. “When? How?”

“A few weeks ago. When you were talking about Octavia leaving.”

“Okay.”

She exhales. “You made it sound so easy. If she left, you’d go with her. I never thought about it before.”

“Oh.” He sits down on the edge of his bunk, sighs. “I was wondering what happened. I thought we were all just stressed.”

She joins him. “That too. But–I didn’t think you could just leave like that.”

“I don’t know what I’d do if she asked me to leave and you wouldn’t come,” he admits. “But I didn’t think I should assume you would either. And I felt like–you’ve been weird. Since we found O.”

“You noticed?”

He bumps his shoulder against hers. “We spend most of our time together, yeah. I figured you were just adjusting. But you were worried I was going to leave?”

“No. I was–” She exhales. “I’ve been thinking about–how I feel about you.”

“I, uh–did you not know?”

He looks so confused, she has to smile. “I love you.”

It doesn’t seem to help. “I feel like that’s supposed to be a big thing, but–I knew that.”

“I meant in the romantic, monogamous way. So when you said you were leaving–”

“Clarke,” he says, gentle, a smile fighting its way onto his face, this huge, bright thing. “I never said I was leaving, I was just stressing. And I wouldn’t just leave you. We’d figure it out, if we had to.” He finally just lets himself grin. “Fuck, you thought I wasn’t in love with you? Of course I’m in love with you. I’m so in love with you.”

Clarke starts to laugh too, all relief, slumping against his side. “We don’t talk about this stuff. You didn’t know either.”

“Not exactly. I figured we’d just never talk about it. But I knew you–” He kisses her hair. “I figured it would work out.”

“That’s what you thought would work out? You’re worried your sister will bail on her Jedi training and leave the crew, but you thought you and me would just work out?”

“Yeah. I’m a lot more sure of us than I am of me and Octavia. Than I am of anything else, honestly. We’re–we’re solid, right? You’re never going to lose me. It’s not even an option.”

“I guess when you put it like that.”

He tilts her chin up and kisses her, not for anything even close to the first time, but it’s good every time, and she can’t help feeling like this time is even better.

Requited love is nice.

The kiss only stays soft and sweet for a moment, less because she’s not enjoying herself and more because she and Bellamy haven’t hooked up since he said he might leave with Octavia and she likes sex and loves him and it’s been too long.

Bellamy’s hands slide under her shirt, tugging it up, and Clarke breaks away to help him get it off when there’s a crash and Octavia yells, “Murphy, you fucking bucket of bolts, I’m going to–”

Clarke collapses, laughing, against Bellamy’s neck. “Should we go deal with that?”

He shakes his head, pulls her shirt the rest of the way off. “Nah. She’s fine. She’s fitting right in.”

[thatawkwardnerdytomboy]

Why I Quit My Part-Time Job Despite Being Broke and In Debt/Worst Job I’ve Ever Had (Millennial Story)

So let me start off by saying I turned 26 last week, which for most people in America who are dependent on their parents’ health insurance means that I no longer have health insurance. I didn’t feel like my 26th birthday was worth celebrating. I felt like this whole year was just another year of me being broke, miserable and struggling because I can’t find a full-time job or just a job that doesn’t make me suicidal. I haven’t been able to find a permanent full-time since I graduated college. I recently had to quit my job because it was making so miserable that I was contemplating killing myself. I had been applying for jobs the whole year while I was working there and hadn’t found anything and I still haven’t secured a new job. It’s been over a month since I quit.  Why I Quit My Job

I got a job with a volunteer/leadership organization that I used to be in when I was in high school but the program changed a lot. The program director that was there when I was in high school left and one of the previous facilitators took over. 

I was assigned to be a group leader at the program. I worked for the summer camp and for the time being, it was a full-time job. The first troubling thing about the job is that we didn’t get our paychecks until almost a month after we started working. And since the program director already knew me, I was just starting and hadn’t made any complaints about it, she actually loaned me some money to get through the weeks that we weren’t getting paid. I also actually thanked her for letting me know about the pay delay because I had just quit a job that never told us when there was going to be a delay in pay (they just waited for us to check our bank accounts and notice that our checks weren’t in there). Anyway, when I got paid, I had to pay her back.  The second issue I had with my job was the youth worker (my assistant) that was assigned to me. Every week, we had to have planning meetings to decide what we were going to do on days where we had a few hours to kill before and after trips and other activities. For the first few weeks, even though he knew that we were supposed to be having these meetings, he wouldn’t show up. And then on other days, he would try to leave an hour early even though we were supposed to be preparing for the following day. He was constantly breaking rules, especially in regards to how we’re supposed to conduct ourselves with the kids. We’re not supposed to yell at them no matter how bad their behavior is or (of course) touch them. We’re supposed to pull them aside to speak to them and if that doesn’t work, write them up and report them to their parents and the program director whenever they have behavior issues. Instead of doing that, he would constantly yell at them. And every time I pulled him aside to tell him that we weren’t supposed to yell at these kids, he then yelled at me in front of the kids, telling me that he knew what he was doing. And because of this, the kids didn’t feel comfortable talking to us about anything, him in particular. There was an incident where one of our kids and a kid from an older group were arguing in the cafeteria during lunch. I asked my kid what happened. It took a while for him to tell me because he was really upset but he eventually told me that the older kid stole his hat and in return, he stole something of his and then they got into an argument because of it. I told the two boys to return each other’s belonging to each other and then asked the older boy’s group leader to take him back to their table. I then spoke to my kid and told him that the next time someone or something is bothering him to come to one of us and tell us instead of taking matters into his own hands. He told me that he didn’t trust the youth worker because he never listened to him. So I told him to come to me then. So after that, he calmed down. Then here comes the youth worker to ruin what I had just fixed. He yelled at the kid and stole some food off of his tray.  I complained to the program director about his behavior and she didn’t do jack shit about it. She had a couple of conversations with him but apparently, nothing she said to him clicked. I don’t know what lies he told to her but once, she even pulled us into a meeting and basically told me that I just had to suck it up and learn to deal with him because I have to learn how to deal with people with different personalities.

The third issue was when the program director told the youth worker that the location for one of our trips had been changed and not only did he neglect to tell me but we wound up going to the wrong location. Now that wasn’t the biggest deal. I personally didn’t care that he screwed up, all I cared about was just getting to where we were supposed to go as soon as possible. I called the program director after contacting the educators at the location and she asked to speak to the youth worker. Instead of owning up to what he did, he started yelling at her over the phone. Why she didn’t do anything about disciplining him after that, I don’t know. Also, whenever we go on trips, we’re supposed to participate in whatever the educators are having the kids do. If the kids are being asked to work on an activity, staff are supposed to either help them or work on it too. The youth worker knew this and even after I reminded him, he never did this. All he did was hang out with the SYEP workers who got assigned to us. Our boss noticed this too and had a conversation with us separately about this. She told me to make sure that they were all doing their jobs and not hanging out because as the group leader, I was supposed to supervise them. 

At some point, all the stress of the youth worker not doing his job and me constantly having to fix his mistakes, and dealing with the kids and their problems and having to plan a lot of the activities for the kids on my own and having to deal with my boss not really being much of a help took a huge toll on me. While I was still at work on our way back from a field trip, I started feeling parts of my face going numb. Then when we got back, my arms started going numb and I started getting a migraine. I took some Advil for it but it didn’t do anything. When I got on the bus to go home, it started getting so painful that I started crying. When I got off the bus, the numbness was spreading throughout my body and I was beginning to fear that I was having a stroke. I had just learned last year that my piece of shit deadbeat father has a genetic disease called CADISIL that causes strokes and I started panicking because I thought that I had this disease as well and that it was causing me to have a stroke. I frantically called my mother, struggling to use my phone because I couldn’t feel or move my hands and fingers. When I finally got on the phone with her, I told her what was going on and then she told me to call an ambulance and call my girlfriend to see if she could meet with me before the ambulance came but she wasn’t answering. Oh, also, did I mention that it was pouring raining while this was happening to? And since I living in a poor neighborhood, if there was anyone around to see me lying down on the park bench in the rain and freaking out, they’d probably think I was crazy and refuse to help me. So eventually, the ambulance arrived and the EMTs told me that I was having a panic attack. I’m so glad that it wasn’t a stroke. When I got to the hospital, eventually my mom, her boyfriend and my girlfriend eventually arrived. It took an hour or more for someone to see me and the ER wasn’t even that packed. 

The following morning, I called my boss to tell her about what happened and that I wasn’t coming in. My group was supposed to be going on a trip that day and I texted the youth worker to tell him that I was in the hospital the night before and that I wasn’t coming in. I told him to make sure that he had everything he needed for the trip. This asshole tells me “that’s your job.” I swear, if I was a different person, I would have called him, cursed him the fuck out, then called my boss and told her that I can’t deal with him anymore and quit right then and there. But me, trying to being professional and act like the smart educated person that I’m supposed to be, called my boss and told her what he said to me. She told me that she would deal with it and told me to get some rest. After that, I went back into my room and went to sleep. 

A week or so later, my boss calls me into the office to tell me that she received some phone calls from parents whose daughters complained that he was touching their hair and instead of dealing with the consequences of his inappropriate behavior with these girls, he quit. I don’t remember how many times I complained about him to my boss, from the many times I complained to her about him yelling at me, the times I complained about him not showing up to planning meetings, to that one time he made fun of one of the girls who was experiencing menstrual cramps (must take a big man to make fun of an 11 year old girl on her period) and the times when he just straight up wouldn’t do his job, like literally sit around doing nothing while I was facilitating an activity with the kids and he was supposed to be helping me. She should have fired him before things got to the point where he was borderline molesting a child. My friend who later worked with me at this place told me that I should report her to her boss for this but honestly, after working in this hell-hole, I don’t want to have anything to do with this place anymore.  So after working for this place during the summer, I reluctantly returned to this job for the school year. It was less hours (about 20 a week) and was after-school only. I was also told that we would be working some weekends and that it was going to be a lot easier than working at the summer camp. Since I still hadn’t been able to get a job anywhere else, I accepted.  When the program began, it was ok for the most part. It was a lot slower than the summer camp. The weekly schedule was a lot easier to follow since any field trips we would be taking were on the weekends and not during the week and we remained on site pretty much every day unless there was an event going on or we had projects to work on off-site and we were to participate. One of the problems that arose in the first few weeks, however was that half the staff from the summer left so it was only three of us working there; me, another group worker and an activity specialist who was mostly responsible for helping with the general running of the program whether he had to act as a group leader, youth worker or whatever needed to be done. 

First issue of working for this place during the school year: Lack of staff. Me and these 2 other staff were saddled with so much work after the start of the program. There was just too much to do. Before my boss hired an administrative assistant, we were responsible for most of the administrative work on top of having to supervise the kids every day. So a typical day would go as follows:

2:30-3:15- Arrive at program, grab the attendance sheets, set up the classroom for the kids (getting water jugs and cups) creating a lesson plan for the day’s activities and prepping for those activities, and getting them approved (on STEM and club days), if we get any parents coming to the program during this time to enroll their children or ask for information, we had to help them if my boss was busy, make copies of permission slips, attendance sheets or anything our boss needed us to make and also watch the kids. There was so much work to do during this time of the day and during closing that we often got in trouble for not getting things done on time or not all because there was barely enough time and we were understaffed.

3:15-3:45- The kids are supposed to do their homework at this time. But because these are middle-school students whose parents don’t do enough to discipline them, they pretty much never wanted to do their homework and would often to lie to staff about not having homework. We were also supposed to tutor the kids if they were struggling. If they claimed to not have any homework, they had to read a book--which they also never wanted to do. So if my boss ever walked in and saw them doing nothing, whichever staff was watching them--which was usually me, would get in trouble. Getting these kids to do anything was like pulling teeth and it only got worse as time went on.

3:45-4:15- Check-In, Snack and Ice-Breaker games. At this time, we asked the students to stop doing their homework (whether they were finished or not--which created a problem with some of the parents) and join staff in the circle. I handed out snack to the kids who were the quietest and who were cooperating first and then to everyone else last. Sometimes I made the mistake of having the kids come up to me for snack because they would grab extra--as if I wouldn’t notice when they were only supposed to have one. And when I asked them for the extra back, they refused and hid it somewhere. Also, sometimes, they would tell me that they didn’t want snack and then later on the day when I wasn’t supposed to give out anymore, then they decided that they wanted some and got mad at me when I refused to give it to them. I also had kids from the other group sneak into the kitchen to steal snacks whenever they lied to me, telling me that their group leader said that they could have snack when they couldn’t. That was always super frustrating. The activity specialist and I conducted check-in with the kids. We asked them how their day was and ask them a random question to learn more about them such as “if you could have any superpower, what would it be and why?” Best case scenario, every kid answered the questions and we actually learned something about them. Worst case scenario, they didn’t feel like answering. The activity specialist usually came up with the games and the kids typically enjoyed them and I would help make sure everyone was participating. I enjoyed playing games with the kids too.

On Mondays we had fire drills at this time. I basically put myself in charge of making sure we did this every Monday because there were times that we forgot about this and got in trouble. Basically, before or after check-in, I would remind the staff and the kids about the fire drill. If it was cold outside, we told the kids to put their jackets on. Then the activity specialist would blow his whistle to silence the kids, and I would lead the kids out of one of the emergency doors. The kids were supposed to be quiet and stay in line but they almost never did unless the activity specialist told them to because they all respected him. I constantly had to tell the kids to stop talking, stop touching each other and to stay in line but they never listened to me, even when I threatened to tell the program director or revoke privileges from them. I hated doing fire drills because of that.

4:15-5:15/30- We had our activity for the day, usually STEM or a club once we created clubs. I was usually the one in charge of STEM activities or whatever lesson we had for the day. Beforehand, I would have gotten the supplies ready for the activity and all I would have to do is get up in front of the class and explain the activity of the day. I would then present a few examples of how the activity could be done (showing them images of projects done by other kids or sketching things out on the board). The activity specialist would then help me distribute supplies and then help me make sure they were doing what they were supposed to do. I would also walk around and help students if they needed it. We also had to take pictures of the kids while working. Some of them didn’t like this. I actually had a girl stick up her middle finger at me while I was taking a picture of her and her group. Mind you, these kids’ parents signed a release form saying that we were allowed to take photos of them so these kids should know that from time to time we had to take photos of them. Some kids usually refused to participate during the activities and I would have to speak to them about why this was and usually their response was “This is boring,” “I don’t feel like it” or “I don’t like the people in my group.” When the kids were done, we asked them to clean up. Most of the kids did this but we always had that 2/3 kids who thought they were special and didn’t need to clean up. At the end of the day, I always made a mental or physical note to myself about calling their parents but there were times when I didn’t have enough time to. 

5:30-5:45- My favorite part of the day, dismissal. After we cleaned up, we sat them down and made announcements to them about upcoming events and trips, asking them for permission slips and other documents they had to turn in and reminding them about rules. After that was done, we dismissed them. There was this one older kid who, for some reason, though that he never had to leave with the other kids and stuck around to hang out with us. He was a good kid but since he was the oldest, he always thought that he was allowed to hang out with the adults. Eventually, this got us in trouble. 

5:45-6:30- Administrative Assistant work. Whatever didn’t get cleaned up in the classroom when the kids were dismissed, I had to clean up, which was a pain in the ass because most of these kids don’t know how to clean anything or sometimes would refuse to clean. They would leave garbage and crumbs every where, especially in the back where we had a rug and a couch (we had to ban them from this space for some time because of that). And sometimes there was so much to clean that I didn’t have enough time to call all the parents I was supposed to call for behavioral issues or trip/event reminders. I also had to make sure that all the windows were closed, the emergency door for my classroom was locked and that all the tables were clear. Once I was finished with that, we had to call parents of the kids who were absent to ask them why they were absent and then fill out a form of explanations. We also had to call parent to let them know about field trips ahead of time and to ask if they had filled out permission slips and told them when they were due. We also had to enter in the contact information for any new kids that we got. If we had time, we also had to use this time to create lesson plans and to decorate the classrooms for the season or upcoming holiday or event. Sometimes my boss would ask us to do a bunch of other tasks during this time as well like making copies or she would ask me to make fliers. 

A Lot of The Kids Had Serious Behavioral Issues 

At it’s mildest, their behavioral issues are mostly the kids not wanting to participate in any of the activities, talking back to staff and giving us an attitude. And since I was the newest staff, it was even worse with me. Since they didn’t know me very well and I was new, they thought that they didn’t have to listen to me.

I had worked with kids for 6 years, grades K-12 and never had any serious issues with any of the kids that I have worked with. I sometimes got 1 or 2 kids with attitude problems but whenever I sat them down and spoke to them, they usually turned around. But with these kids, that would never work. Over the summer, the same kid I mentioned who started an argument with some kid who stole his hat and I spoke to him about coming to me with his issues instead of taking it into his own hands, he never listened to me. Until the last month that I was working at this place, he was still getting into fights with other kids instead of telling staff. And I told him that because he refused to tell staff about someone bothering him instead of fighting, he was going to be in trouble. He just couldn’t get it through his skull. And I know that these kids are in middle school and they’re in that stage of life where they’re between being a child and a teenager and they’re challenging their boundaries with adults but I still feel like a lot of their behavioral issues can be curtailed with some guidance from their parents...or not. Maybe this current generation of middle school kids where I’m from just feels that entitled to doing whatever they want without accepting the consequences. And all the staff I’ve worked with at this place feel the same way. Oh, and it only gets worse...

These kids started physical fights with each other all time--at least once a week or multiple times a month, we had several major incidents with the kids getting into physical altercations and these are only some of them...

-This girl was sitting behind this boy and she kept touching him. I told her repeatedly to stop and to change her seat and she refused. The boy got up and punched her square in the face.

-While we were working on an activity, these two boys started insulting each other. While one boy said that he was joking, the other boy didn’t take it that way. I was trying to help the other kids who were actually participating and there was no other staff in the room at the time because understaffing. The two boys starting hitting each other. Thankfully, the activity specialist happened to walk in and he saw them fighting and helped me break them up. The boy who threw the first punch was later suspended from the program because of this. 

-These two girls in the program who claim to be cousins (this was never proven) were constantly getting into fights with each other because, apparently, when they’re not in the program, they act like they’re best friends but when they’re at the program, one of them never wants to have anything to do with the other. One day after program, the smaller younger one allegedly pushed the older larger girl into a wall (we never saw a single scratch on her so we didn’t know if this was true). Then the larger, told girl retaliated by pushing her into the wall back. She came into the program after we had dismissed them and showed us a large bloody gash on her hand. After that, we suspended the older girl from the program. 

I also had a lot of kids give me an attitude, curse me out or flat-out ignore me. It ranged from me saying “hi” to a kid and them not saying anything back to me to a kid cursing at me or physically shoving me around. 

I finally got a youth worker to help me during the winter and he was awesome. He was great with the kids and he always helped me prepare for the day--the complete opposite of the asshole who worked with me over the summer. But, even with his help, the kids were still misbehaving. After working with us for only a week or two, he told me that these kids were terrible. He works with teenagers with serious behavior issues and problems at home who are still in middle school because of these things and he told me that these kids were worse than them-because they have supportive parents and they go to decent schools yet they make every excuse in the book as to why they can’t or don’t have to do what they need to do. He was also studying child psychology. I was relieved to know from someone who is actually studying to be a professional in this field confirmed my gripes about working with these kids. And I thought I was strict with these kids at times but he was even stricter than me when it came to dealing with their behavior issues. Whenever a kid acted up, I usually gave them another chance to change before reporting them. He on the other hand reported them right away. He was 0 tolerance. And one day, one of the kids, the girl who gave another girl a bloody gash on her hand after pushing her, cursed us out because she wasn’t participating in an activity and all we were trying to do is try to figure out what was wrong with her. He threatened to report her when she refused to talk to us and then she started going on a tirade, calling us “bitches” and “dick-riders” among other disgusting insults. My boss reprimanded her and suspended her again for a few weeks--which I think was a slap on the wrist but whatever. 

At the program, one of our rules was that after 3:15, the kids had to put their phones away. Whenever I was in the room and I told the kids to do this, they never listened but they listened to the other staff. Before I quit, I had an incident with one of the girls from my group not wanting to put her phone away. I was allowed to confiscate their phones if they didn’t comply but when I approached this girl and asked for her phone, she started playing keep-away with me and taunted me. If my boss saw her with her phone out, she would have just given it to her when she took it. But with me, no. These kids had no respect for me so whenever I asked for their phones, unless the other staff asked them to give me their phones, they wouldn’t do it. So I gave up on trying to take it and turned around to sit back down. As soon as my back was turned, the entire class said “oooh!” as if she had either cursed at me behind my back or she stuck up her middle finger at me. I asked them what happened but none of them would tell me. I asked her what she did and she claimed to have done nothing. At this point, I was so fed up with the disrespect that I reported her to my boss and my boss asked her to come into her office and speak to her the next day. During the meeting, the girl claimed to have said “oh my god” behind my back but I don’t believe that. Kids don’t respond to things like that in that manner unless the person said or did something reprehensible. Anyway, after that meeting, she never gave me and attitude ever again. 

Me and the activity specialist were playing a game with his sports club one day and these two boys were about to get into yet, another physical altercation. One of them claimed that the other cheated and some of the other boys claimed this as well. However, before the activity specialist could address this, they started getting in each other’s face and arguing. Me, the AS (activity specialist) and some of the boys managed to separate them before they could throw any punches and the AS pulled one of the boys out of the room. The other was still hurling insults and curses at the other boy long after he left. The AS came back in and told me that the game was over and to tell the boys to sit down and be quiet. Boy #2 is still cursing and insulting the other boy. I told him, I don’t know how many times to stop talking. I could have reported every single thing he was saying about this kid to my boss and he would have gotten suspended from the program just based on that but since he was a good kid, I was tying to stop him from getting himself in trouble. Then he started using anti-gay language and after that, I was over protecting him, especially because I had already had a conversation with him about how I and another staff were gay and that he shouldn’t use language like that anyway because it’s insulting and harmful. At that point, I began raising my voice at him, something I had, until that point, always tried to refrain from doing. Some of the other boys even found what he was saying funny and when I told them not to encourage him, he went off on me and started directing his insults at me, calling me a fag and telling me that I “suck dick” for a paycheck (which I now find hilariously ironic) and to “get the fuck outta here.” I told the other staff what he said to me and the activity specialist made him apologize to me. I was so done with being treated like shit by these kids that I didn’t accept it at that point. I just wanted him out of my face. So after I reported him to my boss and got him suspended, he came back to the program to ask for help getting a job. However, my boss told him that she was only willing to help him if he apologized to me again-since her and the other staff knew that I still didn’t really feel like he was truly sorry (like he was only apologizing to me because he was made to and not because he actually cared about how I felt or understood the gravity of what he had said to me) and if we had a conversation and I truly accepted his apology, which I told him that I did. I felt like there was an enormous pressure for me to do so because now he was learning how his actions could effect him in real life and that now that he was having to ask for my forgiveness again, he had finally truly learned his lesson. And after this, we were cool. After that incident, I decided that I was quitting.  Too Much Work, Too Little Time and Help and Poor Management

Aside from struggling to deal with these kids and their behavioral issues, I was also struggling with the mountainous work-load and all the problems that arose out of us being understaffed. After my amazing youth-worker quit because on top of the kids being unruly, he was also being asked to do a lot of work that he was unqualified to do, things became really difficult. Well, they already were but before and after I had that extra help, things were pretty stressful. 

There were times where I was spending so much time dealing with the kids and their behavioral issues that I didn’t have enough time to get administrative work done and vise versa. My boss expected us to be administrative assistants, teachers and social workers all at once, all the time and it didn’t help that a lot of the equipment at the office like the computers and phones would break down all the time. We had 6 staff working there at one point and only 2 working computers for staff to use so getting shit done around the office was nearly impossible at times. And to make it even better (sarcasm) when the 2nd computer in the staff office broke down, my boss got angry at us and blamed us for breaking it even after telling me that the computers at the office had been there since I was in the program which was over 10 years ago! Any time something broke down in the office, the first thing my boss would do is get angry and look for someone to blame and then contact an IT guy later. It got even worse when my friend got hired as a group leader around the winter and she had to make lesson plans for her group. So at that point, we had 3 group leaders who all had to make lesson plans for club and leadership activities and only 2 working computers. We also only had 3 phones to call parents on and 5-6 staff who needed to make daily phone calls. Thankfully, when my youth worker was there, he was able to make phone calls for me while I handled other responsibilities but when he left, the problem came back. After my friend quit the program when she found a full-time job (so fucking lucky) me and the activity specialist had to take turns using the phone. 

I feel like all of this stress and lack of adequate facilities to do our jobs effectively caused me to have several mental breakdowns. And it started when my boss had me and my friend start the project with the kids to teach them about healthy eating and then create a counter-marketing campaign against fast food companies. Again, more staff, less equipment, more problems. As part of the project, I helped my friend facilitate and organize a series of lessons on negative health effects, PSAs against fast food and eating healthy--y’know, all the stuff a person with a degree in illustration is qualified to teach. Along with this, we were still going on trips and doing other activities that needed permission slips for. My boss scheduled my group to be part of a focus group. We needed 10 kids to take part in it and I had a month to get their permission slips in. I handed out the permission slips and told the kids when the deadline for submission was and that it was mandatory. Some of these kids flat-out told me that despite it being mandatory that they didn’t want to do if because they didn’t feel like it and refused to turn in their permission slips. And whenever I would call their houses, their parents would either tell me that they filled them out and would be sending their child to program with it or that they never got one. I would then ask the kids the following day if they all got one and I would get kids telling me that they didn’t or that they did and would turn it in the next day or in a couple of days or at the end of the week. And for weeks, this would repeat. I would keep hounding these kids down for their permission slips and the same would happen. I would even get kids telling me that they lost their permission slips and I would have to make copies and hand them out. Then some of the kids would be absent and not hand them in and some kids stopped coming entirely and/or new kids would come in. Out of all the groups in the program, my group was the largest. I was basically responsible for making sure that 10 out of nearly 30 kids turned in these permission slips--by myself while I was still trying to manage dealing with behavioral issues and other administrative duties. My boss had to extend the deadline another month but the cycle would then repeat. Also, at the last minute, she gave me another permission slip pertaining to this focus group that they would have to turn in. She did this a lot for many of the field trips that required multiple layers of paper-work that had to be signed by parents and the other staff complained about this when they weren’t able to get permission slips in on time either. When the deadline came for the permission slips to be turned in, I only got 7 back. My boss got really pissed and spent at least 10-20 minutes reprimanding me for how much I had embarrassed her and about how I should have been able to get all this work done while still balancing all the other shit I had to do--by myself and about how it shouldn’t have happened and that now she was going to have to fix my mess. My brain was fried and I had no mental energy left at that point. I broke down crying in front of her. Then later that week, she told me that the 2nd set of permission slips that I had to have them fill out was completed wrong when it was my understanding that they were supposed to fill out part of it by themselves and I later found out that I was right about that but again, she made me feel guilty about that too and I was having another mental breakdown as we were scrambling to fix that. When the organizers of the focus group came to the program, they told her that the other half of the permission slip was supposed to be filled out by her--and not the parents so she screwed up on that. Not surprisingly, the other staff had told me that she made mistakes like that all the time. i understood that I could have done a better job of trying to get those permission slips in but her making a mistake and not apologizing to me for it and placing the blame squarely on me for that didn’t sit well with me at all. 

My boss almost never admitted when she was wrong about anything. There were times when she would send us on field trips with the kids and not give us enough money and we would just have to figure things out for ourselves. The activity specialist told me that he thinks that she does that on purpose. There were also times when she wouldn’t do research on what she was paying for and she would embarrass us, whenever we would go up to a staff at a museum and tell them that we were paying x amount of money for an event or activity and they would tell us “uh, no, that’s not what you signed up for, you signed up for this.” And then I would have to speak to the other staff about what we should do about it and then the kids would get frustrated with us because we would have to wait even longer to do what we arrived there to do and we would have to explain to them that the program director made a mistake and to bare with us while we fixed it. And then later on, she would find something to get mad at us for instead of apologizing to us for her mistake. 

I had a second mental breakdown, not at work, but on my way to work. I dreaded going to that job every single day that I was working there and to this day, the only thing that I can say I ever looked forward to about this job was getting to work with my friend and the two other staff there who were amazing and fun to work with. Not even the field trips and fun activities were that much fun for me because preparing for those things and dealing with the eventual fighting between the kids and monitoring their behavior was so fucking annoying. A few months back, I was really feeling the stress of the job taking a toll on my mental health, especially after I broke down in front of my boss and with the stress of having to finish this big counter-marking project with the kids mostly on my own. I started thinking about how I was barely making enough money at this job to do anything that I wanted or needed to do like buying a new pair of jeans after finding holes in a few pairs or taking my girlfriend out once in a while or signing up for driver’s ed. I started thinking about how much I busted my ass in high school and in college to try to have a better future and a decent job and about how I felt like all my hard work was for shit. Wasted. I started thinking about how all the people who ever told me that I’d make a great teacher and that I should work with kids despite me having no interest in that whatsoever and didn’t go to school for that were dead fucking wrong and that I was living a life that other people wanted me to live and that it was making me miserable. I started thinking about how I knew people who didn’t even have degrees who were living better lives than me with their own apartments and full-time high-paying jobs and the harsh reality that I had to face that sometimes, hard work just doesn’t pay off sometimes and that I would just have to deal with it...or not. I also started thinking of killing myself. I mean, I’m in a ton of debt that will only go away once I’m dead. Why not? It would solve that problem. No one wants to give me a full-time job, maybe no one thinks that I’m worth having one. Maybe there’s no way out of any of my problems. Maybe the only way to solve my problems is to just end it all... 

I hadn’t been this suicidal since high school. 

I can’t believe that I let this stupid meaningless job make me this miserable and make me believe that I was worthless. Even attending 4 years of the most competitive and challenging art school in the world (Parsons) where I was getting little to no sleep every week and saddled with unbelievable amounts of work didn’t make me as nearly as miserable as this job had made me. I even find myself missing college because of the awesome people I met, the classes that I learned so much from, being able to study abroad in Paris and getting to work for a pre-college program where I got to help the next generation of artists succeed in places where I still haven’t. 

I still feeling like I am mentally recovering from this past year. I never got to go to therapy. I’m still depressed and miserable, still broke, still jobless and still trying to fight off suicidal thoughts. Still waiting for things to get better.  Going to say what I recently had to tell someone else... 

NO JOB IS WORTH YOUR MENTAL HEALTH! 

also,

FUCK ANYONE WHO TELLS YOU OTHERWISE!

[sky-kiss]

oooh, can you do Urzai #22?

So…I know I said. I would do angst for this. It is not. It is. Really not angst. It’s…horrible schmoop. It is the opposite of angst.Though, to be fair, Ozai would angst very loudly if anyone ever found out.

22. I don’t owe you an explanation.

Kya wants the dorm for the weekend. It’s not a problem, not really, Ursa is sure she can find somewhere else to stay. They insist she doesn’t have to go anywhere, it’s not going to be like that, but she knows better. College is nothing if not…eye opening.

She is in the process of formulating an escape plan when Ozai volunteers his place. It’s an off handed remark, blase as you please, while they’re at lunch, so cool that it takes an extra five to ten seconds for her brain to process  the offer. They’ve been seeing each other informally, off and on, for the past few months but he’s never taken her home. Shit, the only reason she has his address is because the four of them had carpooled to a restaurant once.

“You’d be alright with that?” she watches him carefully, a forkful of salad halfway to her mouth.  

Ozai shrugs, “Would you rather sleep on the street?” 

She rolls her eyes, turning her attention back to her meal. Conversations with Ozai were always a risk, liable to leave her fighting a migraine. He’s not wrong, though. She needs a place to stay and a part of her wants to see where he lives, what’s it’s like. His aloof disposition, the arrogance, made it difficult to picture, “Well. I’m grateful. Thank you.” He grunts in reply and that’s the end of that.

For all his faults (and that was a list), she can’t deny he’s…reliable. Ozai promises he’ll be by to pick her up by five and he’s there precisely ten minutes early, looking wildly out of place in front of the dorms. He refuses to wear his dark hair back and it falls around his shoulders, perfectly smooth, coal black. He’s still wearing a suit, immaculately tailored, but has opted to forgo a tie. The Ozai equivalent of “casual.” He stands up straighter when she exits, crossing the few steps to take her bag. Ursa glanced away, reaching up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

Those…little gestures, completely natural, were inexplicably charming.

“Are you alright?”

She smirks, reaching out, fingers curling over his forearms. It’s easy to touch him. His skin is always warm and he always smells…uncomfortably nice for a man. Like vanilla and sandalwood, and something else, vaguely spicy. “I’m fine. Hakoda was just…early.”

He looks genuinely apologetic, “You didn’t deserve that.”

“It’s…fine. Just…remind me to pick up. Purell on the way back. I’m going to have sanitize everything.”

He chuckles and it’s such a genuinely nice sound that she can’t help but stare. Ozai takes her elbow, helping her into the car before making his way to the driver side.

____

To no one’s surprise, Ozai lives off campus. He’s maybe five miles away at a push, right in the center of downtown, surrounded by light and life and fine dining. His loft is near the top of one of the older buildings (he’d preferred the character, he’d mumbled). It’s small than some of the newer suites but at least seven times larger than what she’s been living with the past two years.

It’s more natural than she expects, dark mahogany wood, red accents. A few potted plants break up the monotony, their foliage a deep, dark green. It’s uncharacteristically tasteful.

“Set your things in the bedroom,” he takes her jacket without comment, motioning towards the room in question with a tip of his head. “I’ll make us dinner.”

“We aren’t going out?”

“Would you prefer that?”

She swipes her tongue over the seam of her lips, “No. No. It’s a weekend in, right? So…let’s cook.”

He eyes her, his expression dubious, “Not ‘us,’ Ursa. Me.  I’ll cook.”

She wants to snap at him but he’s already turned away, moving with that confusingly lazy grace. Without his jacket, his dress shirt seems molder to the planes of his back, his chest, and it’s a distressingly fine sight. She shakes her head, more irritated than ever, and grabs her bag. Bedroom, yes.

_____

The evening is basically what she expects. They have twenty minutes to kill once he’s got their food in the oven, so he fucks her over the kitchen island. It’s a good icebreaker and makes the ensuing silence when they eat easier to stomach. They share a bottle of red wine that she could never afford on her own. She’s feeling magnanimous, and a little light headed, so she sucks him off under the table and he returns the favor somewhere en route to the bedroom.

It’s par for the course for their ‘relationship.’ Ozai is an exceptional lay and a terrible conversationalist.

So here she is, boneless, her skin still tacky, tangled in sheets she’s halfway convinced cost more the entirety of wardrobe. She hugs the duvet around her, shivering pleasantly. Ozai tosses her the remote before he climbs out of bed. He hasn’t bothered to redress. Something tells her he doesn’t plan to either. Her attention lingers on his toned chest before she realizes he’s talking.

“What?”

“I’m going to shower. Find something to watch.”

She pulls a face at him. But again, she’s curious. Ozai has never struck her as an…entertainment, sort of guy. Live plays, maybe, the opera, if push came to shove. But nothing so banal as films. She flicks the television on, finds his catalgoue.

It’s dry. There are a bevy of war films (World War two seems a particular subject of interest, as is feudal Japan), political dramas, more period pieces than she can shake a stick at. They are uniformly dour and mostly pretentious. She’s about to give up and suggest they go out for drinks when she stumbles on the one outlier in his otherwise immaculate collection.

Ursa is waiting when he finally emerges from the bathroom, a towel slung low across his hips. She chews her lower lip between her teeth, one perfectly manicured brow arched, “The Devil Wears Prada? Really?”

For one one beautiful, perfect, moment, the ever collected Ozai doesn’t know what to do. He stares at her, his gold eyes wide and furious, bordering on accusative. His mouth opens before shutting. She watches his posture shift, no longer languid, his shoulders squaring, arms coming across his chest. When he speaks, it’s a low grumble, tossing his dark head, “I don’t owe you an explanation.”

“No, you don’t. But I’m genuinely curious.”

He blinks, “What?”

“Everyone has a guilty pleasure, stupid,” he rankles a bit at the endearment but his guards drop, however slightly. She crooks a finger, strangely satisfied when he indulges her, coming to sit on the edge of the mattress. She likes the way she fits against his side, “I just…don’t see you as a…Prada guy.”

He picks up her right hand, turning it this way and that, making a show of inspecting her wrist, “If I tell you. You will keep this information to yourself?”

This is one of the longest conversations they’ve had. She tries not to dwell on that, smiling as she reaches up, scratching her nails through his damp hair, “Of course.”

Ozai glances heavenward, sighing, “It…resonates…with me.”

“It…resonates? With you?”

“Yes,” he snaps. Ursa snickers, looping her arms around his neck to keep him from pulling away. He’s still grumbling, “One employee. More attractive, harder working, a constant resource, and her efforts are constantly overlooked in favor a less deserving candidate.”

“Ah,” she supposes that makes sense.  Ozai doesn’t talk about his home life but she knows enough to reason it’s unhappy. He’s always staying late after class, slaving away when he clearly excels. She presses her palm flat over his heart, “That doesn’t seem fair.”

He rolls his eyes, “Life seldom is.”

She nods, glancing down. The conversation fades back into silence. It’s more comfortable than she’s expecting, a little cleaner. Ursa kisses him without thinking, a gentle brush of the lips that’s far too chaste. When she pulls back, he’s staring at her. Confused, but nakedly fond. She smiles, “I’ve never actually seen it. The movie.”

“No?”

“I wouldn’t mind watching. If you’d…be comfortable with that.”

She thinks he’ll refuse. For a second, it looks like he will. But his features soften and he nods, taking the remote from her. His voice is grave but there’s more mischief in his expressions, “Very well.”

He adjusts himself so they’re laying more evenly amongst the pillows. And he’s…surprisingly vocal, more business savvy than she would have expected. He lets her rest his head on his chest and he preens when she sides with the young woman he clearly identifies as his surrogate.

It’s a surreal evening and yet she can’t help but feel oddly charmed.

[gemmassong]

TLJ Thoughts

. Now that I’ve had a couple days to process, it’s time to put this down in writing and get everything I want said off my chest. I doubt anyone will read it since I’m not really a fandom known, but it will be good for me, so. :)

So I’m going to try and move in chronological order along with the movie. So first things first, the opening battle scene. I have so many issues with this scene. Not with the characters per se, but with the whole scene itself. The whole concept of dropping bombs on the dreadnought just bothers me so much, because bombs wouldn’t just fall on their own in the vacuum of space. They would reach the end of the ship’s presumable energy field, and then just float. They were very clearly not propelled downward by any force pressing them that way, and if they were designed to be magnetized to the metal of the dreadnought or something, that needed to be explained. 

Also, the fact that there were three (THREE!) Star Destroyers just hanging out with the dreadnought doing absolutely nothing is absolutely nothing less than entirely shitty storytelling. We can figure one of those three Destroyers was likely the Finalizer, as Hux was manning the bridge of one in the beginning, before the Supremacy showed up. The Finalizer, which was established in TFA as absolutely loaded with guns and weaponry and not a ship to fuck with. And presumably,  the two other Destroyers were of the same Resurgent class and armed similarly, since they were the same size and we know the Resurgent-class Destroyers are much larger than other classes. And yet, those massive warships did absolutely nothing to assist the dreadnought, they just sat there. This just serves to make, not just Hux, but the entire Order, look incompetent as fuck. And I don’t want my heroes to overcome incompetent villains. That’s just taking the easy way out in terms of writing.

One final point relating to the opening scene: the shield around the Resistance ship. Now I’m a fairly new sci-fi fan, so I could be wrong, but my experience with shields like that is that they often have refractory periods, though not always, but they do always require energy to maintain. And taking hits raises the amount of power they require to remain firm. Unless this is a shield that has no refractory period and takes no extra energy to maintain even when being bombarded by hits, then if all three Destroyers and the dreadnought, or later the Supremacy and all those Destroyers, had just concentrated fire on the Resistance ship they could have sapped the fueled reserves far more quickly and taken it out. Possibly me being nit-picky, but this wasn’t addressed at all and it irritated me. 

Hyperspace travel. It seems fairly accepted among fans, and the laws of physics, that hyperspace travel takes more than a split second. The time you spend in hyperspace should be consistent with how far you want to travel. Thanks to the fuel reserve countdown we have a strict timeline for the movie: eighteen hours. Yet Rey is able to spend what seems to be roughly three days on the island with Luke, and then return to where the Resistance is, all within that eighteen-hour timeframe. And we know there are no possible skips around in time because of her scenes connecting with Kylo. So... I would really like that all explained, please. 

Leia using the Force to draw herself back into the ship after being spaced bothers me. As a fan of her, of course I was happy to see her survive. As a logical human being, even with the Force it makes absolutely no sense when even a split second outside the safety of the ship would have killed her; this bothers me to no end. Surviving in space is not a matter of holding your breath and getting back to safety. Its effects on the unprotected human body are immediate and devastating. 

Okay, I have mixed feelings about the casino scene. On the one hand, I absolutely loved it. I absolutely loved Rose and everything we got to see through her during this scene. Being a fan of the gray morality of war we get to see so well in The Clone Wars series, I was so happy to see that grayness brought into play within a movie, because we see that it was both the Order and the Resistance/New Republic that gave those war profiteers their wealth. I honestly thought, for a little while, that they were going to give us definite reasons for why we should be rooting for the Resistance and hating the First Order. Now, I haven’t read the novelizations (yet), and neither have most fans. So while I imagine those reasons exist within the novels, we don’t get them in the movies. From strictly the movies, it seems like we are rooting for the Resistance and against the Order purely based on ‘these are the good guys, and these are the bad guys, and they are characterized as such’. I know they’re technically movies for children, so it’s likely a moot point, but I want to know why the Order thinks the Republic needs to be taken down, why they seem to have so much support despite being the bad guys, and what makes the New Republic so wonderful. Because, quite honestly, I don’t see democracy as an inherently good thing anymore, just look at the current disaster that is America. I want to know if the Republic really is a good thing for the galay, or if the Order has some genuine reason to be trying to take it down. I foolish thought the casino scene was an opening into showing us just that.

But then we moved right back into showing good and evil by shining a good light on the actions of the good character and a bad light on the bad characters. Example: the troopers are seen as inherently bad because they trust their captain and follow orders, trusting that they are following the plan in motion. But we see Poe being chastised for not blindly following Holdo when she gave her people no indication of what the plan was, when she had no logical reason to withhold that information. The only reasoning given is that the troopers follow orders without question, while Poe needs to believe in hope and trust even when he doesn’t know what’s going on and what the plan is. Same thing, in essence, being shown as bad in one light and ideal in another. Pretty damn contradictory, if you ask me. 

I have the same issue as a lot of people with what was done with Luke’s character. I don’t ever believe Luke would draw his saber, even for an instant, on his sleeping nephew because he believed him irredeemable. Not when that boy saw light in Darth fucking Vader and refused to let go of it. Especially since there has to be considerably more light present in young Ben Solo than there was in Vader at that time. If this was Snoke subtly controlling Luke as well: well that needed to be expressed. If it was Luke sensing Snoke’s irredeemable darkness instead of Ben’s: that was piss poor storytelling and did not come off as that at all. If it was that Luke actually sensed darkness in Ben and considered killing him for a moment, I refuse to accept that characterization because it is so wildly out of character and goes against everything Luke is. 

And let’s touch on the story aspect of that as well: it’s just fucking lazy. We know Ben was a neglected kid, that Leia and Han didn’t have enough time for him and were very possibly unnerved by his power at times. Adam has told us that. JJ Abrams has told us that. Foisting his turn to the darkside off onto Luke’s moment of weakness instead of addressing that Han and Leia, two absolutely wonderful people, could possibly be shitty fucking parents, is absolutely nothing more than lazy storytelling and a desire to take the easy way out, ruining a well-established character in the process by going entirely against everything he is.

Now for the fun stuff! Most of my gripes are storytelling related and not character related.

I left the theater absolutely elated. They’re giving Kylo a revenge arc. And while I imagine we’re likely to somehow still get a redemption arc in ep IX just because that’s what SW does, I couldn’t be happier that he’s getting a revenge arc first. As someone who was incredibly emotionally neglected for much of my childhood and teenaged years, all I wanted for him was to kill Snoke and then still turn his back on the people who hurt him so much, remain Kylo instead of Ben. I didn’t think I would see that happen, and it did, and I couldn’t be happier. Whatever happens in ep IX, I’m happy that I got that and I’ll be content. 

And the Kylux shipper in me is happy as well. The Force-choking and shoving doesn’t bother me. They have always been enemies, in canon. I figured Kylo would do awful things to Hux at some point. Hell, he does choke Hux out in a lot of fics already, where it is not shown as something pre-established and consensual. Now it’s just canon. The fact that Hux continues to come back snarking at Kylo because he knows how important he is and that Kylo can’t get rid of him because Kylo doesn’t and can’t hold the loyalty of the troops and the Order as a whole makes me so excited to see them forced to work together in ep IX. I think Kylo will figure out pretty damn quickly he is not cut out for the role of Supreme Leader, and while he’ll hold it in title, I expect to see a lot of that power go to Hux. It’s the evil duo wreaking havoc and bitching at each other I wanted to see and didn’t think I would get. I expect Kylo to be the one to kill Hux eventually, and I’m okay with that, too. That’s the only ending for Hux I think I can be content with. I’d rather it be that than something unglorious like Phasma’s death was. He deserves to go out fighting, when he goes out. 

In terms of fandom, nothing has changed for me. I may write Hux as a little more unhinged when he hasn’t slept and is under immense stress, a little more manic, but that’s the only change. I look forward to seeing all the new fics and writing my own and seeing all the ways people find to let them fall into comfort, and then love, with each other. I’ll take a damaged, imperfect relationship because they are damaged, imperfect people who still, even after ep VIII, balance each other out. So while I’m super minor and doubt I crossed anyone’s mind, don’t expect me to be leaving the fandom any time soon. 

[galarian-varian]

ok writing ocs garbage here because im too lazy to get up and write it down in my sketchbook

today during a long car ride i realized i basically made demons as resentful/vengeful souls but i’ve never really tried the whole soul thing into any of my existing characters

so that got me thinking about the past lives of some of my villains, particularly Zephia, Pandora, and Blitz. idk ow much of this will actually turn out canon but it was a fun start

so for Z, i wanted her to be sort of a 20s gangster girl, very Bonnie, meaning she also had a Clyde partner type of guy. i can see the two being super close and stuff, but during all the blacklists stuff, things got rather dicey and her Clyde sold her out. im thinking he set a trap for her in a museum where the cops showed up to ask her some questions, leaving her partner to escape scott free. Z doesn’t go without a fight and a gunfight breaks out in the museum. a nothosaurus skeleton falls on top of her, killing her instantly, but her soul possesses the skeleton for her to take revenge on her betrayer 

for Pandora, I’m imagining her as a little girl living in the 80s. her dad recently remarried, not sure yet if after a divorce or the death of his wife, and her new stepmother didn’t care much for Pan. all she cared about was her father and his money (too Cinderella? ah well its still a wip). one night when her dad was out working late, Pan caught her stepmother stealing jewelry from her mother’s old jewelry box. Pan told her stepmother that those were her mommy’s, but the stepmother brushed the child off. Pan got mad and grabbed the box, running away with it. the stepmother chased her out into the streets. Pan tripped on a bunch of vines out in the front garden and was hit by a car and killed her soul returned and possessed the body of a recently deceased fawn by the side of the road where her body laid. she chased away the stepmother from her father, but her father was terrified of the deer demon. Pan ran off into the woods until she met another deer demon who became her adopted father

Blitz was a solider fighting in ww2. he wasn’t the best guy for fighting. he was small, round, and cowardly, but he did a good job at cheering up his fellow men with jokes. he even had a beautiful wife waiting for him back home, and she was the love of his live. he couldn’t wait to get back to her. one day while waiting in the fox hole, he noticed one of his comrades looking pretty angry. Blitz tried to make the guy laugh, but the man wanted nothing more for Blitz to shut up. he told him he didn’t think he was funny and he even went as far as insulting his wife. Blitz was so distraught and angered by this man that he fought him right there in the trenches. an enemy pilot had dropped a bomb down on top of them. Blitz was killed while the man survived, but just barely. Blitz’s soul possessed a fox and he entered the infirmary tent, slaying the man who refused to laugh at his joke

so yeah just some rough stuff cuz I probably have to do a lot of research into these time periods and such but still fun!

[jaredkleinmanisanerd]

ROAD TRIP AU (made with the help of @nonbinaryevanhansen, @thisiswhatmylifeamountsto, @dr-evn-hnsn, and other bros from the DEH discord chat)

The Gang™ decides to have a road trip--one last big hurrah--before they go their separate ways to their respective jobs/graduate programs. 

Alana is in charge of planning because she doesn’t mind phone calls, can be trusted to not spend more than they’ve budgeted, and is generally more responsible than the rest. She has a spreadsheet with every aspect of the trip planned--right down to what rest stops they can stop at for people to stretch their legs or use the restroom. She has a color coded binder containing the menus of the restaurants they’re going to eat at, the brochures for the tourist destinations they’re stopping at, and the receipts for all of their reservations; she also has a copy of the itinerary for everyone. Two copies for Jared because...he’s Jared.

 Zoe is the deejay. While she’s procrastinating from studying for finals, because Zoe has senioritis even though she’s not even technically in her last year of college yet, she makes dozens of playlists that are specific for every different road trip mood. One is named “For When Connor Starts Being an Asshole and We Need to Drown Him Out” and another is aptly titled “Weird Tree Noises to Calm Evan Down.” She’s the only one allowed to use the aux chord and she has to keep a close eye on it because Jared’s constantly looking for an opportunity to rick roll the caravan.

Connor is the driver. Not because he’s a particularly good driver, but because he’s pulled enough all nighters in his day that he doesn’t mind driving through the night as Alana requires for some parts of the trip. Even when he gets sleepy, he just has to put on Zoe’s “Please Don’t Fall Asleep at the Wheel and Kill Us All” mix and he’s good to go for another six hours. When Jared tries to call shotgun, Connor tells him “if I have to sit beside you all day, I’m going to drive us off a bridge.”

Evan gets shotgun. He spends most of the time playing eye spy with Connor-- “I spy with my little eye something green” “Evan could you please pick something that isn’t a tree for the love of God”--or reading wikipedia articles on the various trees they come across. He doles out the caprisuns and individual bags of doritos and lays potato chips that they stock up on whenever they find a Wal-Mart that’s reasonably close to the interstate. When they make stops, he’s the one wearing the fanny pack with the tiny fan, travel-sized sunscreen, bug spray wipes, and extra bandaids in it.

Jared is...well, Jared. He’s relegated to the back seat with Alana and Zoe and he’s bored as hell. Alana spends their car time going over the itinerary and reading guide books and Zoe alternates between staring out the window while listening to music on her phone and playing Candy Crush on her phone. Jared tries to help her out by telling her what to do, but she mostly ignores him, much to his distress. At one point, he swipes her phone because “Zoe you’ve been at it for an hour this is getting embarrassing” and nearly gets mauled by Zoe in her attempts to get her phone back. Alana is the only thing between him and certain death at that point. He also smuggles a lot of contraband snacks on board in his backpack and suitcase and refuses to share despite having more chips and soda than any single person could/should consume. 

They end up using Jared’s minivan because it’s the only vehicle they have among them that’ll fit them all. Evan spends the week before the trip helping his friend wash the caked on dirt off the outside of the vehicle and clear out the many discarded fast food wrappers littering the car floor. Connor tags along and does nothing besides throw trash at Jared and write “wash me pls god” on the back of the window before Jared can hose it down.

In all honesty, Jared has a lot riding on this trip. All of his friends are going off to do new and better things and all he’s got on the horizon is some boring IT job in the hell that is corporate America. Plus, he knows that if someone’s going to be left out of the friend group, it’s him. Connor and Evan have been a thing since their senior year of high school and they dropped the on-again, off-again bullshit back in sophomore year of college. Zoe and Alana are definitely a thing, he thinks, even if he hasn’t seen them kiss or hold hands. If they aren’t together yet, it’s only a matter of time. And Zoe and Connor are siblings, so they’re stuck with each other. Jared’s the odd man out. Like always. So this is the last time he’s going to be an integral part of the friend group, and there’s no way he’s going to waste it.

At their first hotel stop, Jared spots a sign behind the front desk when he’s checking in with Alana (because Connor and Zoe kicked him out of the car while they went to find a parking spot with Evan) that says that the maximum occupancy for each room is four people. Alana makes them sneak up in groups--her and Zoe first, then Connor and Evan, and finally Jared bringing up the rear, all by his lonesome. He asks Alana what her plan is if someone comes to check on them and kick someone out because “they have security cameras, you know.” Alana informs him that they’ll just hide him under the bed and, when he asks why it has to be him, Zoe pipes in with “because if we were going to make someone sleep in the car, Jared, it would be you.” So Jared just sleeps under one of the beds, acting like he’s taking the joke too far, but in reality, he’d rather be stuck under the bed Connor and Evan are sharing than be in the car all night by himself.

At one of the gas stations, Connor, being the dick that Connor is, has everyone load up and leave without Jared. Alana and Zoe don’t realize he’s gone until they’ve been driving for thirty minutes. Evan had been napping since before they stopped at the gas station. They return to find Jared surrounded by empty and unopened chip bags and cans of Mountain Dew. He flips off Connor when he starts laughing, yelling “joke’s on you, asshole, I used your credit card!” Connor says having Jared out of his hair for an hour was the best eighty dollars he’s ever spent.

Alana forces them to stay at a campground for one of their stops because the nearby hotels were too expensive and they have a big tent and a small, one-person tent. Jared is (obviously) sent to sleep in the one-person tent by himself. He drags it as close as he can get it to the big tent, periodically scratching on the outside of the big tent throughout the night to freak them out, which ends in Evan not being able to sleep and Connor yelling at him. Not exactly the outcome he was hoping for. The next night, he slips into the big tent when everyone’s asleep, burrowing himself into the warm space between Connor and Evan.

Connor wakes up to find half of Jared on him and half of Jared on Evan. Feeling pissed that a) Jared climbed on Evan without asking Evan’s permission despite knowing how Evan gets when people touch him a lot and b) Jared’s snoring woke him up from some of the best sleep he’s gotten on the trip so far, Connor carries Jared out of the tent and dumps him on the other side of the camp fire before returning to the tent to cuddle with his boyfriend.

That’s the last straw for Jared. It’s obvious that none of his so-called friends want him there, and he’s not the type of guy to stick around when he’s clearly not wanted, so he gets the idea to walk back to civilization and catch a bus back home. Alana, Zoe, and Evan are freaking out when they wake up to find Jared missing--Alana’s two seconds away from dialing 911 and Evan’s about to have a panic attack--so Connor promises to find Jared and ends up driving slowly beside him on the interstate, trying to convince Jared to come back to camp with him.

Jared eventually agrees to come back to camp and they all have to have a serious discussion about what’s been going on. Jared acts like an asshole for a while, saying that he knows when he’s not welcome and it’s not like he wants to be stuck with any of them either, but eventually admits that he feels unappreciated and like everyone’s going to abandon him once the trip is over. Everyone assures them that that’s not the case--even Connor, although that takes more than a few bony elbows thrown his way by Evan and Zoe. 

The trip continues on with everyone being a bit nicer to Jared. Well, everyone except Connor, but Connor is even a dick to Evan, so Jared didn’t expect much from him. Connor threatens to throw him off a cliff at the Grand Canyon and nearly drowns him in one of the pools at the hotel’s they’re staying at. The fact that Jared doesn’t actually come to any bodily harm is probably Connor’s attempt at appreciating Jared more.

At one of the hotels that has a whole freakin’ water park in it, Zoe and Evan go in the lazy river together, floating beside each other in their inner tubes, holding onto each other’s handles so they don’t get split up. Alana is swimming laps in one of the pools while Connor and Jared fight over who gets to go down a water slide first, terrifying the nearby children and annoying the hell out of the aforementioned children’s parents. Jared slips and ends up taking Connor down the slide with him and, of course at that exact moment Evan and Zoe are coming around the bend of the lazy river and see the boys sliding down together. Zoe cups her hands around her mouth and yells “GAY” while Evan laughs so hard he nearly capsizes.

That hotel decides to actually enforce the rule about there being only four people to each room, so Jared is stuck sleeping in the car. Evan shows up right before Jared’s about to fall asleep, a few towels and extra sheets in hand. They put down the backseat and make up a little bed, using the towels as pillows and the sheets as, well, sheets and share a package of cookies Jared swiped from one of Zoe’s bags before she went inside. They’re watching the Bee Movie on Evan’s phone when Connor shows up, scaring the hell out of them when he knocks on the window, face obscured by his hoodie.

Jared’s about to give up his backseat nest with Evan to the two lovebirds when Connor shoves Jared over so he’s squished between the two of them, claiming the rest of the cookies and offering nothing but sarcastic commentary in return. Jared’s a little confused about the whole thing, but he’s not about to pass up a redo of what he’d attempted back when they were camping, especially when Connor and Evan are two (conscious) willing cuddle buddies. 

They have a Serious Talk in the morning and things just kind of go from there. Jared wasn’t expecting to get one (1) boyfriend on this trip, let alone two. He’s a little afraid that things are going to be awkward at first, but that fear goes right away when Evan and Connor join Alana and Zoe in ganging up on him the next day, attacking him with pool noodles until a manager or someone comes out and tells them they have to stop because they’re disrupting the other guests.

It’s not long after that when Alana sends the three of them off to an arcade at one of their stops, thrusting a twenty dollar bill at them and telling them to stay away for at least four hours. Jared and Connor are out the door before she can even finish her sentence, but Evan stays behind knowing what’s coming.

“It’s going to go great, ’Lana. Don’t worry.”

“I know.”

“Mmhm. Well, good luck.”

Meaningful shoulder touch. “Thanks, Evan.”

Evan continues to send his encouragement as Alana leads Zoe to a tiny hole-in-the-wall restaurant that she exhaustively researched many months prior, claiming them the best table that she reserved back in January. The restaurant doesn’t even take reservations, but Alana managed to sweet talk them into make an exception for this momentous occasion.

She asks Zoe to be her girlfriend between performances by amateur artists because it’s open mic night, and Alana couldn’t have planned that extra perfect touch that gives the night if she tried.

Zoe says yes, of course. Was Alana even worried?

Alana shows her (new!) girlfriend the plethora of texts Evan’s been sending her, telling her that everything’s going to be a-okay, that Zoe’s going to say yes, that they’re going to make an adorable couple. There’s also a few “pls hurry up and save me from these two, they’re competing over a claw game now” and a picture of the unicorn stuffie Jared won him, which make them laugh.

As much as they love Evan, they take their sweet time finishing dinner.

The road trip continues as plan without a hitch. Well, much of a hitch. Evan has a panic attack at one of the stops and locks himself in the bathroom. While Jared, Connor, and Zoe try to coax him out, Alana goes to get the manager and has him open the door with his key, rescuing Evan from the bathroom and helping him back to the minivan, telling him that he’s okay, everything’s okay, and offering him water. Evan apologizes for making them fall behind, but Alana tell him it’s fine, the schedule can wait.

The schedule only waits for Evan and Zoe though, so Alana makes up for lost time by forcing Jared to forego peeing at a rest stop and yelling at Connor to run red lights and go off road when they’re stuck in traffic. She even pesters a museum tour guide to hurry up to try to make up a few minutes.

Everyone’s exhausted when they get back. Jared, Connor, and Evan all pile into Evan’s bed, barely saying hi to Heidi and handing over the bag of souvenirs Evan’s been accumulating for her before they’re down for the count. Alana and Zoe don’t even make it to Zoe’s bed--Connor finds them passed out on the couch of Connor and Zoe’s shared apartment the next morning.

While the gang doesn’t split up--not in the next year, not in the next five years, not ever--the trip was one of the last times all of them were able to spend an extended amount of time together. Even Connor smiles when they flip through the scrapbook Alana and Evan made, filled with ticket stubs and awkward pictures from the trip, including one of Jared when Zoe and Connor drew dicks all over his face in Sharpie. Whether he smiles because the trip was one of the best times of his life or because it was one of the few times he’s gotten to draw dicks on his boyfriend’s face is unknown, but Jared and Evan prefer to believe its the former. It is the trip that (finally) got them together after all.

But Connor is a dick, so it’s probably the latter.