#she just felt ashamed and didnt talk abt it

[lovelyrotter]

actually yknow scratch that last part cause the way the epilogues are written makes it pretty explicit that theyre not '''dubiously canon''', thats a gimmic, transmasc roxy IS hard canon. and it pisses me off even more when ppl write him off in favour of headcanons instead, which leads to MORE transmasc vs transfem rhetoric bc transfem roxy is a really popular headcanon. like hes still a trans character. in canon. roxy is still trans even using she/her in candy. THEY ARE TRANS and that is CANON. would yall do that if roxy was revealed to be canonically transfem?? would yall disregard their canonical transgenderness in favour of your cisgendered headcanon? bet yall you wouldnt. bet thatd feel way more uncomfortable for a lotta people. this is disregarding the obvious and usual amount of transphobia canon trans characters get anyway from cis people. this is about trans community in-fighting and inter-community weirdly gendered favoritism and the weird mirroring of the more typical 'boys vs girls' logic from cishet culture

why do so many people dislike or outright hate the concept of he/him transmasc roxy but at the same time love june egbert and insist that shes hard canon... like can we cool it on the transmasc vs transfem '''war''' logic..... can we cool it on the open hatred for transmascs both real and fictional.... can we not appreciate both because theyre literally the same kind of dubiously canon

[monstermp3]

♡

[trickinabucket]

Feelings dump (but in a self reflective, positive way; there is mention of suicide tho)

I wanna put this here jic its something i wanna talk to my therapist abt.

This morning I just couldnt stop crying bc i just can't stop thinking of myself as a burden.

That if I had some grave illness I'd immediately ask to be put out of my misery. Whether the misery would come from the illness itself or something else wouldn't matter.

[sad rant]

And that led me down a path of guilt and anger. And wondering if I would even bother telling anyone about the decision. Something about it either being manipulation (for people I loved), or useless and painful for everyone (for my family, that I've completely given up on.)

And how I dont know what to tell my mother that wouldnt make me feel like I'm gonna make her think I'm guilt tripping her. But really wanting to tell her that I meant it when I said I was sorry about how I messed up college and everything I ever did to piss her off, and she still kept driving like she didnt care if she killed us both and I just felt rejected again. And that I stopped telling her things because I knew she would think I was too young to be depressed. And that I felt scared all the time and I didn't know why. I didn't want her to think I was being annoying if I asked for something twice, including the times I was actively asking for comfort or taking her for her word when she told me to wait my turn. That I wouldn't be forgotten. And that even the times I cried in front of her and felt like a child when she told me to stop trying to get attention, I cried more times when she was out of earshot, and considered many times hiding in the closet when I did it so that I wouldn't get caught. And I didn't mean this in any way to tell her she failed, but instead, tell her why I acted the way I did, and even if she really wanted another chance (and that truly would have been the last time she made that mistake), I just couldnt keep giving her chances anymore, because my heart just couldn't take the rejection anymore. It hurt so fucking much and I just wanted to forget.

[/sad rant]

And all of that, and I stopped crying. I stopped thinking about that, and really thought about me crying in a different scope. From one thing I said. That I tried not to cry around her and make her angry, and to just suck it up that I was hurting and had no word for it. That I was just severely backed up. And for years, I would cry and be angry at myself for doing it, because it was over, and far away, and it couldn't hurt me anymore. And I felt like I'd been crying for years and just sick of it.

I would hide when I cried. I would try not to cry, when I was a kid and had the fear and uncertainty. Now it just feels like I cry all the time, and of course it would when I used to stop myself from doing it. I feel small and helpless as a child when I cry, because that kid who existed back then gets to cry now. And just telling her to suck it up was just doing the same thing my mother was doing to me. No one should be ashamed to cry in front of their mother, or to show they're in distress and worry about whether it's the time or place to "get" to feel distressed.

We get to cry, because the threat is gone, and that's what we were programmed to do. I shouldn't feel annoyed at her and uneasy because of her, because no one's coming to make her shut up Or Else They'll Hear Me. I have a mouth and I can scream. So can she.

Even with Ed around, I'm free to, and sometimes I can even ask them to hold me if it's too much.

The headaches are a pain, but I need to drink more water anyway.

[alyimoss]

ALPHYS SUPREMACY!!!

so my own view on what happened w gaster is convoluted and incomplete so i will refrain from saying much on that front EXCEPT the fact that i hc that she was 100% close to him and he was close to her, i like to think that he often validated her ideas and her hyperfixations. i think she was super nervous around him always and terrified of disappointing him, but he never thought of her that way. he saw her as intelligent and driven and i love the idea that out of everyone he worked with, hes very happy alphys ended up succeeding him. i love the thought that he basically thought of her as his daughter, like he was so genuinely proud of her and her accomplishments and genuinely happy to see her happy. i think she showed him anime once and he was very so-so abt it and she could tell but he still told her the parts of it he liked and that she shouldnt be ashamed of liking things others might not (which, for my view of gaster, is mildly insane bc i hc him as a man who barely ever talks abt stuff like that but this shit aint abt him)

her and sans's friendship is so underexplored it literally kills me bc what do you MEAN basically noone ever gives a shit abt it???? their friendship is so so important to me. i like to think they met in high school or college, that alphys is a year or two younger but was in all the same classes (and some more advanced than him) bc she really *is* that smart (a fact i think a lot of people forget bc so many reduce her to just "annoying weeb" and it pisses me off) so theyd collab on projects and study together and stuff. she was absolutely a straight-a student but she would panic over every assignment bc of her self-confidence issues and would convice herself that she would fail (she never did. she very consistently scored at the top of the class).

i think she compared herself to sans a lot, too. bc i see him as the epitome of adhd-type procrastinator who still got good grades somehow and seemed to just- understand every concept thrown at him immediately. and she would invalidate her own work over this bc "sans never does anything but hes still at the same level as me. meanwhile i have to do all this work and im stressed all the time. god im such a failure, i wish i could just be flawlessly smart like him" (this is not projection this is not projection this is n) but i dont think she ever said it out loud bc she didnt wanna seem like she was seeking pity or smthn (sans picked up on it anyway bc bro is canonically that observant and he hyped her up in his own way as much as he could without saying anything outright bc if hes anything he is a man who does not want to confrot feelings, his own or someone elses, fucking EVER).

and like during the events of undertale theyre obviously still friends but i think they drifted apart a little. between sans's depression and alphys's own, plus her workload and stress, they didnt really get to hang out much anymore, nor be as close or as open with each other as they had been previously (which wasnt even that much considering. sans. but the shift was still noticeable). this definitely added to her stress and fears (add on to that that mostof their communication was likely thru text and alphys is absolutely a very expressive texter and someone who usually takes like seconds to reply while sans is the worlds dryest texter, would probably leave you on read (not maliciously) for days or not even read your messages until like a week later). but still he helped her out where he could and he kept hyping her up bc thats his fucking friend, man!! and then theres that list in the dog shrine casino on?? whichever fucking console version of ut it is i dont remember that is very heavily implied to be alphys's game recs for sans which i think is so cute.

i think when they did hang, theyd watch anime and eat junk food and watch movies and play video games and just kinda. not talk abt their problems at all, but it still felt nice for both to just hang with someone plus escapism so. also once she got her big fat crush on undyne (and probably before w other crushes but especially with her crush on undyne) shed sit there and tell him all abt it, the things she did/said, how nervous alphys is, how badly she wants to just ask her out etc. and sans, in typical aro/ace fashion, would just nod along, happy for his friend, and, when asked for advice, would just shrug and go "idk talk to her ig?" (pan to undynes house where the exact same conversation happens with papyrus and undyne lmfao)

and like. i think alphys is just in general the type of person to get overinvested in any kind of relationship, even if it seems like the other person doesnt feel the same. like shes probably had friendships in which she was super invested in the other person and so happy to hear from them and worrying when she didnt and letting them vent to her etc only to find out that the other person barely thought of her as an acquintance (this is NOT PROJECTION I SWE)

she absolutely would be into cosplay but initially be too shy and too full of self-loathing to really like. do it. and this is where another one of my all-time fav friendships that NOONE talks abt emerges and that is ALPHYS AND PAPYRUS. LIKE PAPYRUS IS ABSOLUTELY THE TYPE OF PERSON SHE NEEDS IN HER LIFE. he hypes her up constantly, he calls her out when shes being negative abt/mean to herself and tells her how to change that around, hes an absolute beacon of positivity and confidence and the kind of person you really feel like you can be yourself around. theyd fucking cosplay together. theyd sit down and make cosplay together from scratch. undyne would be there too, obv. i think she initially helped out, making like props and whatnot, but she kept getting too excited and smashing them, so now shes just there as moral support + she can wear the in-progress cosplay to like. help them see how its coming along, what they need to change, etc. and i think she still is like. the authority on a lot of weapons (esp prop spears) bc she has experience.

and yknow whod also help them?? toriel. i love toriel and alphys friendship, i think they have a book club-type thing going together. tori would come over and help them sew together fabric and whatnot, and also bring pie bc everyone fucking loves pie (everyone has made pie together with her at some point. even asgore, tho that was long, long ago). sans is there occasionally. noone ever sees him do any work but his parts are always done and noone knows how.

she goes to cons with undyne and papyrus and i think frisk goes w them bc WHY THE FUCK NOT. god she must have been so happy the first time she went to a con... not only is it a whole ass space all abt anime, but theres people *like her* there and suddenly she doesnt feel like the weirdo freak, shes just a girl enjoying her life and her hyperfixation and its so freeing.... she probably stays all days of the con (undyne probably stays with her, papyrus and frisk have to leave but they get photo updated almost hourly)

she probably ends up getting asgore into anime, at least somewhat. she goes over to his house and they drink tea and watch anime and she infodumps abt specific moments with her favorite characters and how important they are lore-wise/thematically and asgore goes "golly!" and listens to all of it and asks questions and alphys is so fucking *excited* bc she gets to talk even *more* abt her favorite thing and she goes into headcanons and theories and then later asgore sends her like. a photo of an anime boy he stumbled on and goes "this reminded me of you!" and shes just so happy abt it. he gives her flowers, also. both in bouquet form and potted plants. she takes care of them very, very diligently.

she still does science stuff on the surface. im not smart so idk what but she does it. she helps frisk w their homework (everyone does but shes in charge of sciency and mathy stuff bc shes good at that) and when theyre done they get boba or something to celebrate and frisk tells her abt school and abt their fellow students and teachers, she talks abt the people at her work. they play video games together (they definitely both play pokemon. they trade with each other to complete their dex. frisk is doing a shiny living dex and giving her their dupes, especially if its a pokemon she likes.) i just love her as like- an aunt/big sister type figure to frisk. theres that one drawing of them that lives in my head constantly but i DONT REMEMBER WHO ITS BY

her playlist is full of vocaloid songs. and ado. she does official sciency stuff to the sound of hatsune miku and yknow what? me too, good for her.

i almost forgot mettaton somehow?? but their friendship specifically BREAKS ME bc were shown in ut that theyre not particularly close by the time frisk arrives. that it seems like mmt is more or less using her so he can have his body finished and go on to become a star, but thats it. but like you can tell that 1) alphys knows this and 2) she still cares for him so, so much. and i believe in one of the king mtt endings he explicitly says that, looking back, he recognizes he was *awful* to her, that he regrets it and that he wishes he had been a better friend. and that shit FUCKS. ME. UP.

oh god the fucking conversation theyd need to have. once its all over, once theyre on the surface... bc i do think they had one. they laid down on the floor and stared at the ceiling and told each other about their insecurities and their lies. alphys talks about how nervous she was finishing his body, how she felt he would leave her once she did. he talks about how he did think of that, that he was an awful friend for doing so. how he cares about her and hes done letting the fame go to his head, that he wont up and leave her, his first fan as mettaton. his friend. she probably also helps her talk to napstablook and shyren, bc i do like to think he tells them the truth.

i like the though of her, on the surface, sitting on the couch in toriel'd house, drinking a cup of tea, her friends all around her talking and having fun and she just thinks about the type of person she was before all this and she realizes how much shes changed. how much happier she is. how much she loves every single person in that room with her.

alphys... like. the journey to her betterment is not a quick or an easy one. but god... shes just so relatable i do not understand people who dont like her. shes so interesting and deep as a character. shes so... shes so. man....

im running out of steam a little (and need to get back to what i was doing before this) but shes genuinely so epic. shes so awesome and cool and i wish more people recognized that.

alphys supremacy.

alphys is so underrated and everyone says it but nobody does anything about it. alphys’ relationship with gaster. her dynamic with sans. her self loathing eating away at the inside. her literal suicide attempt.??? THE FACT SHES IN ONE OF VERY FEW CANON WLW RELATIONSHIPS OUT THERE????? THE FACT SHE IS THE MOST RELATABLE CHARACTER TO EVER WALK THIS PLANET???? wtf…

i like to hc that alphys is like a sister figure to sans but not quite papyrus. i like to think she was there when gaster fell into the core. i like to think that she spent ages piecing the puzzle together only to have so many missing pieces in the end as to what happened, who the royal scientist before her was, why she remembers things that never happened. i like to hc that the amalgamates were kind to her despite what she’d done, and their attempts at comfort after seeing her guilt only made her feel worse.

i like to think that sans isn’t the star of the mystery science scene because fucking obviously, and his and alphys’ stories are intertwined. i think that alphys helps him with the secret machine in the back of his home. i think that alphys asks sans for favors regarding the amalgamates without him knowing what for (he does know, she knows that he knows, neither talk about it much). i think they’re besties who are both so depressed. i like to think alphys in her free time sits and writes fanfiction about her favorite anime characters going through what she does to cope.

i think she would cosplay but be too scared to go outside in it so she posts one picture online and then hides from her phone the rest of the day. i think once or twice she passed out from sheer exhaustion and stress combined in front of mettaton and he’s been her rock through it all and helped her get to her feet. i hc that she has frequent headaches and a brain injury which gave her a stutter. i hc she and frisk are actually close and they do ‘sleepovers’ where alphys shows them anime and they hang out and toriel gets free babysitting. i like to think alphys, after going to the surface, is more comfortable with being a nerd because wdym humans have CONVENTIONS for her favorite anime!?!??!? and that’s a key part of helping her be more comfortable with herself (undyne cosplays with her voluntarily so alphys doesn’t feel awkward).

i like alphys….

[floralbfs]

kinda depressed abt this semester tbh

[haysgrove]

ooh i do!!! what's up with your blorbos? /gen

ok just for clarification im talking abt Licorice, Red Velvet nd Dark Choco

i just start thinking abt them and i get sad cause their involvement with Dark Enchantress is actually kind of really fucking tragic i think

but the thing abt them is that they dont seem troubled with their decisions. Well except for Dark Choco, actually lets start with him

i feel so fucking bad for Dark Choco cause the poor man stumbled upon a cursed sword that made him do really fucked up shit and he was SO ashamed of himself that he joined Dark Enchantress NOT bc it was something that he wanted to do, but he thought it was something he DESERVED because he was so ashamed of his actions. Like. This poor man felt so guilty about something that wasnt even his fault, that he started to think "i deserve a path of darkness. nothing more." and he was SO miserable working with Dark Enchantress especially bc Pomegranate made him fucking. relive his trauma as a way of punishment. but he stuck around BECAUSE HE FULLY BELIEVED HE DESERVED TO BE MISERABLE

obviously couldnt help but get spoiled w the fact that Dark Choco finally left the CoD and honestly i couldnt be happier for him. My beloved. My blorbo. I care him so much.

Now im super fucking intrigued with Red Velvet cause hes like. content with being on Dark Enchantress' side. But the more i think about it im like... okay but he didnt have an option in the first place. He just so happen to be born at the exact place and time that Dark Enchantress was there, and she took him in. Red Velvet was a terrified child of course he was gonna leave with her. And its safe to assume she raised him obviously. So the fact that Dark Enchantress was fucking filled with rage upon discovering the truth about her species and her newfound goal of destroying the witches, of course she was gonna put this view of life onto Red Velvet's little mind. Of course he thinks Dark Enchantress has a grand vision, because he grew up with it and has never heard about any other vision besides hers!!!!

He sees the flaws in other cookies and it immediately feeds onto Dark Enchantress's views, especially because he has cake traits. The other cookies call them "cake monsters", hes part cake, why would he be on the side of the cookies who call him a monster??? Whereas Dark Enchantress was not bothered by his cake arm when they first met. She gave him sympathy. So he stuck around her side and is most likely content by doing so because he hasnt had the chance to create his own view of the world. Perhaps because he knows that, even if he tries, he feels like Dark Enchantress will be right in certain ways. Maybe not all of them. But it will most likely be enough for him

And Licorice. Oh Licorice. I get so sad when i think about him. Im pretty sure on ep 13-14 we know the tiniest bit more about him but since i just started w ep 13 i dont have all the details but nevermind that

Licorice joined Dark Enchantress because he was impressed by her power, but given the little bit of background he has on his info, that he failed to get the recognition he rightfully deserved, it makes me believe that this was also a part on why he joined her. We havent been told on how exactly him and Dark Enchantress met, its not even mentioned in the story. The only bit we have is the "On his dark path, he met Dark Enchantress Cookie. The might of the sorceress astonished Licorice Cookie, and it didn't take long before he swore his allegiance" on Licorice's description

What WAS Licorice's dark path? What did he do that lead to meeting Dark Enchantress?

Also, at one point during ep 13 i think? When talking about the Licorice Sea, Licorice says "I spent years trying to get as far away from this foul sea, but where have i ended up? Back here" and also THIS text that appears when you click the Licorice Village and Licorice is on your team

and im so curious about it cause WHY does Licorice have such dislike to his hometown? and why did they use this specific sprite when making him say this. If Licorice really had hatred toward the place he was assumedly raised in, they would probably used his annoyed or angry sprite, not his sad one. Right?

So i believe Licorice wasnt recognized at all, not even on his childhood, which is what made him leave and meet Dark Enchantress. And it makes me even more sad because Licorice isnt recognized in the CoD either. Not in the slightest. Pomegranate is DE's right hand woman, Red Velvet is technically her son, so i think she has at least SOME sort of endearment to him. And i guess, she probably DID have, at least just the tiniest little bit of joy and pride about having Dark Choco on her team. Because he is her rival's son. So even if it was like. selfish?? i think?? i believe there still was some sort of pride. Some sort of amusement. And Poison Mushroom is a literal child so ofc everyone is gonna treat them softly

He assumedly saw other kids getting recognized, but not him. And now he sees his co-workers getting recognized, but not him. Which is why hes so pathetically starved for affection, for reassurance. Because he KNOWS its something that exists, but its something that HE has never experienced, and he wants it, he craves it so fucking badly

i still have so much in my mind but i just

[fallindomino]

how i would have changed s2 of hsmtmts

obvious disclaimer but im not a screenwriter or anyth so im not claiming what i want is best, this is just for fun lololol

okay so first of all nini would still have dropped out of yac but she wouldn’t have gone back to east, she would have transferred to north bc she was too ashamed to tell anyone she left at first and maybe she still wants to explore who she is away from ricky and the others

nini could join north’s batb and this way maybe we could have some playful rivalry with lily and nini and more scenes with antoine shdhdjdj also it could have been a great opportunity to flesh out lily’s character so those scenes where she reaches out to ricky and her confession at the end of the season actually make sense lol

speaking of ricky ,,, i think he should have left the play at some point hear me out. he only joined in the first place because of nini and barely wanted to do it at all once he realized he wasn’t gonna be able to perform with her. he could have joined crew and been a manager with natalie or smth considering he rlly does see the theater gang as a second family. also this would leave so much room for ej and ricky development and bants since ej joined the av club and began to pursue film. they could have some convos where idk ricky asks ej how he figured out what he wanted to do after duke didn’t work out and ricky could actually develop some interests that arent the play or nini ,,, maybe fucking art club i mean he did p good on that centerpiece for carlos’ quinceañera.

with ricky not being the beast anymore i think seb should take his place that would be soooo good. and since seb isn’t chip anymore carlos won’t make those snide comments about chip being a small unimportant role and we can just cut that whole fight bc it was dumb and bad. we could still have seb being insecure that carlos is only dating him bc there aren’t really any other gay guys at school. in a heartbeat is great and i did like ricky being supportive in the background it was kinda funny too idk dhdjdjfj

ooh i almost forgot abt rini ahshdj okay so i still think they should break up. but in my version there’s no ricky pulling an ej 1.0 and deleting comments off of nini’s insta, cause with ricky in art club and nini at north trying to figure out what she wants i think one of them would realize that they’re going in different directions and only got back tgt because they made each other feel safe cause what they had was familiar. this could be triggered by ricky mentioning smth abt nini at yac and then nini breaks down and tells him that she dropped out and is at north and doesn’t know where she’s going. and then they can both realize they aren’t good for each other rn and have a less tragic mutual break up.

honestly i really liked the scene of nini taking charge after miss jenn freaked out cause with the character detail of nini giving every person in the cast of productions she’s in a thank you note she just seems really like someone who is suited to lifting others up. this could still be explored at north, maybe she could help lily through her issues that were briefly implied in ep 11 and nini realizes she wants to be a drama teacher and encourage kids to go off book and put themselves into their acting, something she couldn’t have at yac.

okay now ej ,,, so like i said in ricky’s section, more bants between them cause i feel like friendships kinda fell by the wayside due to all the relationships so more friendship !!!! also the scene where ej tells his dad he’s not going to duke shouldn’t have been an ending scene, it should have been fleshed out with his dad pushing back saying how he pulled all these strings to get him in and ej saying he doesn’t wanna go if his own hard work couldn’t get him there. and also more scenes of ej doing av club things !!! and realizing he rlly likes film and wants to do it OMG IT WOULD BE SO COOL IF HE BROKE THE FOURTH WALL AND ASKED THE DOCUMENTARY CREW ABT THE FILM INDUSTRY god i would love that. the only scene we rlly got of ej doing film things was at the quinceañera which made me kinda sad. uhhh also i just wanted to specifically mention how ej got mr mazzara that job at cal tech bc it really showed how he wanted to be there for people not just for gina, who he had a crush on, but for mr mazzara who supported him outside of romance, so i wanna keep that for sure.

gina !!! okay so i mostly liked her arc in this season, the only changes i would make would be to flesh it out a teeny bit (god this hypothetical s2 would have to be like 22 eps at least shdjdjdjfj) anyways besides ashlyn singing home to get gina to stay i think there should be a scene where they actually talk in her room abt how gina feels safer when shes on the run (second chance reference ilysm) hhhh and also a scene of her and carlos actually working out compromises for their choreo cause i liked that bit of development too and fleshing that out would make gina an even better foil for lily, who felt a need to hog the spotlight like gina used to. with gina’s own arc fleshed out her character would feel more whole independently from romance and portwell would be even more rewarding than it is in the current s2. the only thing i would really change abt portwell is that they would kiss !!! in the finale but thats bc im biased.

ashlyn should have gotten a more fleshed out storyline about being insecure about not being a good enough belle or the typical belle. there were some throwaway lines when north did their typical dramatics but the only two real scenes that showed it were when ash talked to big red about it and when she was telling nini she wanted to do a run in “home” bc lily did it. ashlyn should get more screen time where she has to grapple with the reasons she doesn’t feel good enough and big red can still support her but also gina too bc i would like more roommate besties interaction.

kourtney could still date howie, that harry potter shit was cute but there needs to be smth else for kourtney’s arc. idk she’s still into fashion so maybe she could be out here trying to create her own line or smth? this doesn’t have to be resolved in s2 like making a wholeass line takes time and she could work on it into a potential s3. kourtney just didnt get much outside of howie and the stuff at the beginning of the season where she said nini inspired her to be independent and that's why she got a job was just dropped?? so i think that fashion could fill that for her if she’s still dating howie cause like having her whole arc just be the pizza place kinda overlaps w big red’s mini arc abt how he wasn’t settling for hospitality, its what he wants to do with his life.

ik what ur thinking. anna, even if you added more episodes, where would u find the room to add all these plotlines?? well first we cut (most of) the seblos fight, so thats some time saved. honestly most of the time that we r going to gain is going to be from cutting ms jenn’s time. things like ms jenn’s and nini’s car ride would get cut, but mostly all of ms jenn’s romances would get cut down. considering she’s the teacher and isn’t actually a character with an arc how does she have THREE love interests this season?? like all of the weird tension between her and zack can be cut, like just some short scenes of them being competitive can stay. all of the stuff with ricky’s dad can go bye bye we don’t need it. i did like her w mr mazzara so most of that can stay i just didn’t like how he said he would give up cal tech for her, ew no that would be gone.

the MENKIES !!!! this is the last thing im gonna address cause in a perfect world every character would get a long fleshed out arc but then the season would be waaay too long and also im mostly trying to work within material the show gave so this is mostly made up of “realistic” deviations from what actually happened. lol idk what that even means it just makes sense to me. but anyways!! uhhh bro idk i thought them dropping the menkies was funny but it also made the finale really BAD lmao. in this finale, seb is the beast, east still had to deal w the fact that they’re underfunded compared to north but no one is injured, lily is less of a poorly written character and maybe ppl are even rooting for her, and wow i just realized i never actually said what role i think nini should have in north’s show. OOH she could be student director instead of lily cause lily both being in the play while also directing was weird considering omg i just checked and according to her wiki page shes a FRESHMAN?? and they let her be student director? lol hell nah. okay so with all that in mind ,,, the menkies should have been the season cliffhanger instead of portwell. east and north should both be nominated, both schools perform at the menkies, and then the award winner is about to be announced and THATS when it cuts to natalie and the end of the season.

one, this actually gives more tension for a summer s3 as we would be waiting to see the consequences of whichever school won. also i bet people would be wondering if nini’s gonna be transferring back to east or staying at north. people would also prob wonder if ej would be getting the scholarship if east won and what that would mean for his interest in film.

lmao that got longggg and idk if anyone’s even gonna read this but it was fun to do :D

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, Se3, ep 12 (Part 1)

The aftermath of the curse lifting~ Btw, the timeline is super messy. Flashbacks & background stories aren’t this anime’s best tool, it’s always felt messy when they attempt that. more on it in my side notes below. Now into the ep~

-Yuki & Machi: ( Blossoming Love!):

I love that the author attempted different direction of romantic love with yuki/machi that suits yuki’s personality! Opposite to kyo/tohru who had the (from best friends to lovers/ from roommates of 3 years to lovers). Yuki & machi’s love is based on natural crush & while she isnt his best friend, she’ll be his lover & they’ll know each other after dating. Both types of love are realistic & have their own path of dynamics, which is clear with how yuki/machi will be interacting & how kyo/tohru are now interacting since becoming official. I’m still bummed most of yuki/machi’s “noticing each other” is supposed to be off-screen, it robbed me of seeing yuki interact in a normal teenage-boy crushing on a girl which contrasts his relationship with kakeru, kyo, haru & tohru. Now, we’ll start the “ official-boyfriend yuki” stage! Also, this jump to confessions didnt help machi have any uniqueness beside being saved by yuki’s words from her trauma. watching her interact with him normally would’ve added realistic depth to her being a normal girl with unique cute quirks differently from tohru, Isuzu, kagura or even motoko!. Oh well~ moving on & focusing on the meaningful cute confession. I loved that altho there were a hug & a kiss, it didn’t have “ I love you” statement. You know they (will) love each other so dearly, but they’re in stage 1 now, she just called him by his first name for the first time! cute! I love that the emphasis is on the “ first name” calling since this is a huge key to yuki’s identity & struggle. Also, It is cute she bought a gift to tohru! This is a set-up to a healthy relationship with yuki since she isn’t jealous from a precious woman in his life that isnt related by blood.

-Moving towards the future: Kyoru’s final stage of growth!

By Kyokoy’s grave Kyo & tohru had key moment of growth & healthy closure to their core character issues::

1- Kyo’s toxic habit of running from life became a desire to run towards life!: While this habit is rightfully excused by his trauma, it needed to be addressed once his curse broke. We know he stopped running & faced his dad, confessed to tohru, accepted her love, embraced his crazy desire for her & accepted he deserved to be loved! Even ran towards tohru, chasing her! However, all the above is him running to the good current life in his grasp. He needs to run to the far away future this time! Needs to plan for the good & accept that the bad is part of it. struggling is part of life & he’ll endure it together with her, while enjoying life’s rewards.

I love that kyo is the one who suggested moving out to another city/place, cuz kyo was the one NOT living. He was long dead & trapped in the cage of his guilt & self-loath. Tohru at least was living thro helping others ( which is not real living but at least it’s better). Kyo was “ Mom, why didn’t you kill me instead of yourself?” ,“ I’ll kill yuki & then kill myself, would that please you, dad?!”, “ I cant forgive me, I dont want you to forgive me, tohru”. Walking on a road of self-destruction & slow death. But now, with tohru he wants life!!! all of it!! travel, learn, see, struggle, fail, succeed, build their own future by themselves.

I love that kyo didnt take tohru’s approval for his plans for granted. He really didnt think she’ll accept right away. He didnt even want her to dedice quickly, He was prepared for compromising to a better solution for them both. They’ll work other possibilities “ if i’m gonna live in this world, I want to do it with you”.

I love that kyo was real abt the obstacles ahead & didnt want tohru to just follow him based on love. He wanted her to decide on her own as well. He also, left the door open for her to change her mind anytime & this screams support & understanding!! Very powerful!.

2- Thoru’s toxic habit of being ashamed to desire anything for herself, living for others & wearing a happy “i’m okay” mask while concealing her true feelings became confidence, self-clarity & honesty: The tohru who was smiling while concealing grief on the beach is gone, the tohru who kyo had to coax her to “complain, be selfish” se01,ep5, to “not hide worrying over a relative’s sickness” se02, ep14 “ cry if she needs to” se3, ep6, is now telling kyo her honest opinion abt his proposal, while thinking of her own self as much as him & even objecting to his sentiment abt her mom’s words!!!!

I love that tohru is now a confident free woman making her own decisions based on self-honesty & communication with her partner. She wasn't just “okay” with it cuz he wants it while putting fake smile, No more of that. Now, she’ll say her true feelings, she asked him abt his plans, tried to see if it is a spur of the moment decision or if he really thought abt it. She also inquired where’s heading, who he talked to, what he’s planning! She is deciding for herself after hearing him! ok, this is your plan? I like it. I’m going!  Very powerful!.

I love that like how kyo was realistic abt the plan having some difficulties due to starting away by themselves, she was also realistic that it is indeed sad to part with my friends, my hometown, & my mom’s resting-place, but i’ll choose ME now. “I” want to go with you for “me”. This is not a bind I’ll follow you wherever love story, this is realistic depiction of healthy relationship. Acknowledging hardships & accepting them saves you from being crushed by failure, you’ll endure it when it eventually happens & move on, cuz God knows we DO fail & succeed! Life isnt smooth sailing~ 

I love that tohru complemented him on his plan cuz she could see that is a sign of growth. If she’s gonna share her life with this man, it is delightful to see that he is thinking of a happier, healthier & realistic future! Cuz kyo was this destroyed man~ so destroyed he was pushing her away despite loving her dearly, now, he’s asking her opinion & permission to accompany him!

I love that tohru made sure to touch upon kyo’s last scar “ my mom doesnt hate you” This is a scar that wont go away even if kyo is mentally healthy. Cuz death is the ultimate truth. He can never hear kyoko’s affirming her love for him, he’ll have to trust in it based on their earlier interaction together. Tohru is powerfully & stubbornly taking away most of his pain by affirming her acknowledge of her mom. You might disagree kyo, you might still feel a bit guilty, it might haunt you sometimes. but me? NO. Never. Mom loved you. She meant ONLY good. Hopefully my determination heals you bit by bit, & it DOES. Kyo stands bravely, confidently & happily in front of kyoko’s grave & instead of saying “ i apologize for hurting you, or tohru, I’m sorry, forgive me”.  he tells her he’ll keep their promise & protect tohru for life! he literally proposed there in front of her mom & all. T_T

-Kyoko’s Words: ( Sometimes, you don’t get to know the whole truth & that’s okay):

Can’t describe how much I love this part. This is the most painful yet important lesson in furuba. Life isn’t a movie where the entire truth is exposed to the characters or the audience. Sometimes you live & die without getting to know an important truth, hearing a much needed confirmation, or getting a loved one’s forgiveness. There are things in our life that we just can’t get back no matter how much we tried. What we do, then? die? despair? throw away what we DO have in our hands for this lost truth no matter how important it was to us? No, we do the only thing we can. Live. Not just go thro life’s motion, but really live. Accept the good & the bad. This is so goddamn easy & difficult as hell too!

-Kyo not knowing kyoko’s words at that time was tragic. It was so tragic it sent kyo into a suicidal descent into the abyss. The wounds of his mom’s death that were slowly healing with kazuma’s care got re-opened & poured blood! The old destructive habits became full force, The toxic coping habits returned with its ugliness. I can’t kill myself literally? I’ll do it figuratively. trapped, caged, destroyed, eyes shut, ears closed, only seeing his pain. Kyo is us. All of us in any moment of true crushing despair. He could never bring the dead back, hear their loving words or ask forgiveness. Thro kyo, the author is telling us... I know. You had your moment of lost truth, didn’t you? I know. IT IS OKAY. live, my child. your pain is valid, let it take its course, but afterwards live bravely.

-Kyo’s path towards healing is: the ugliest cuz it hurt tohru of all ppl, the longest cuz he was the last one to move on, the bloodiest cuz he’ll never have the ppl he lost, the rockiest cuz he failed & failed, the most frustrating cuz he repeated his mistakes over & over, He couldnt even do it alone. needed intervention & support. He lost hope. completely. But it is okay even if you fell as deep as kyo: stand up. even if you never learned the truth: let go. even if you were the last one to learn or heal: it isn’t a race. Embrace life with its good & bad & continue as kyoko said “ you fought well”

-Kyoko’s parting plea to her daughter broke my heart into pieces. Death is ugly, but death is a truth that we can’t escape. The leaving ones is hurting as much as the ones left behind, but hopefully, the leaving ones will find a happiness a kin to the ones left behind. yuki’s "say a prayer & move one, one step at a time” is all you can do.

-Kyoko was: a gangster who hurt others (ugly path), repented, married & had a daughter (fulfilling path), widowed & left her daughter while grieving (ugly path), came back, repented & tried to raise tohru well, love her enough! (fulfilling path), died & left her young high school daughter all alone (heartbreaking path) but she accepted that the last path isn’t sth she can fight, prayed, & accepted her fate~

-Kyoko~~ “ you fought well”  while you were alive~ you really did! The Tohru you left behind helped a whole clan & hopefully readers as well! you tohru is loved by an entire generation of readers & anime watchers. Tohru is so precious & I can’t stop crying~

Side Notes:

Timeline is super messy & confusing. (a) Tohru’s hospital discharge, kyoru’s hug & curse break for everybody all happened at the (late) afternoon. While curse was breaking, akito was wearing her white kimono & she cried until tohru hugged her on sunset. (b) Before tohru’s hospital shigure’s face was scar-less. we first saw the scar in the afternoon & he was wearing his kimono.

Now the flashback, Akito wearing her outfit from her talk with the maid (which also happened while kyo was talking to his dad which is on the same day) & shigure wearing suit & it’s sunset time??????? How can the sunset happen before the curse break on the afternoon? She inflected the scars on the sunset, how did he have them on the afternoon of the same day?? both changed outfits which is even weirder??? Someone help me put things on order. Or is order not important? If the sequence of events isn’t important, then, why did it have to happen on the curse break day??? Shigure could’ve had his scars a day or two before tohru’s discharge.

Also the OP started in the middle of yuki’s scene which was so odd!

No big deal, but I still feel that yuki’s curse break would’ve been thematically powerful last ep. Especially after seeing The Zodiac Ruler come & collect the spirits. The legend would've been wrapped powerfully on the same ep where it was told. We see the zodiacs’ original story & we see its closure. It would’ve made tohru/akito’s hug more symbolic. An end of an era to akito & to them all. Real Goodbye to the zodiac animals, but now we had a goodbye & a half. lol.

Is yuki the only one seeing the cursed spirit? He looked down at it? I dont remember the others looking down where an animal would be? Is yuki’s curse special? different? He got all the ropes/bonds around him? I really thought yuki’s theme is all abt desiring to be normal & despising the “special” treatment that haunted him even in school. 

Momiji/ kagura /kyo interaction is cute!

Haru/Yuki/ Isuzu interaction is cute as well. XD

Kagura, girl, you used to have best fashion, what’s up with jeans under knee length dress?! lol.

I’ll be honest. It is a lost opportunity that machi weren't made to question how teen-tohru is yuki’s mom. That would’ve solidified her as a unique stand alone character if she were to discuss it with yuki. Tohru being yuki’s mom figure is not normal, otherwise yuki’s entire dilemma of figuring out his feelings for tohru would’ve become meaningless. Having machi quickly “understand” it is a bit weird. But it helps the plot move quickly, I guess. ( it reminds me of Arisa hugging akito when she confessed stabbing kureno without questioning anything, it is weird, but you get the message that “ we aint got time for that~ gotta hop on the next plot).

I love that furuba subverted the old anime-trope of the entire happy cast staying together in one city/place & living exactly like they did in their teens except being married now! XD. It is so realistic that each character is now moving on their path of life~

Tohru wore a ring in her foreshadowing vision! SHE WORE A RING! My baby girl is a grown woman now~ T_T. I love tohru so much!~

Shigure/ akito & the last banquet is in my review part 2. I’ve been editing out any thoughts abt Shigure from my previous posts. I needed to see the whole picture first. I think can now talk abt them, I’m looking forward to the comments of the next part cuz I really really need to see if I understood it or if i’m off.

[mcprincessdiaries-archive]

no fuck it i wanna talk abt bo as a system. so like. he is one. partially born out of dissociative fits cause by the echo, partially out of circumstances in his life. ive established before since an early age he had a vast interest in travelling and sword fighting, while his parents had a much tamer vision for his future. this often lead to them clashing in what he did with his time until eventually he learned to just play along until he could sneak away and do as he wanted. but over time it wore down on him, he felt ashamed that he had to hide himself from his own parents

thats where blu bonana comes in. shes a preformer, ever adaptive and a bit more of a social butterfly than bo. truth be told she also had dreams of leaving their little hovel on the shore, but while bo was content learning how to swing a spear, she had bigger ambitions...the problem was she didnt know what exactly. but then they met martyn, and a figurative light went off in their head.

drk banana i already talked about earlier. since bo took it upon himself to try to protect everyone he meets, drk took it upon himself to look out for bo. hes more short-tempered than bo, and maybe a tad sadistic, but ultimately all he wants is to keep others from completely walking all over the mighty warrior of light

[midoriyaizukustan-inactive]

everyone shut the fuck up and CONSIDER trans girl iida

she supposes she always knew unconsciously that there was something different about her but she never rlly put much thought into it until some ppl in the class come out as trans* (like aoyama’s genderfluid, tokoyami’s a demiboy, nd tsu and jirou are trans girls)

and as class rep, but also (and arguably more importantly) their friends, iida wants to make sure she can make them as comfortable as possible abt coming out so she does some research nd stuff. like she knew trans people existed and were valid nd such before but she wanted to get more than just the basic facts

and shes happy for her friends! shes glad they trusted their class enough to tell them, shes glad she can be there for them. but she also notices that she feels rlly...weird? and she keeps doing research just because.......its interesting. but she doesnt know why she finds it so interesting?? and she gets kinda insecure abt that

so she keeps diggin into it and reads posts that trans ppl have made abt their experiences and just classic shitposts nd all that. she thinks the community is great!! and also she finds some fresh wholesome memes to share w her friends so its all the better. right?

but eventually she finds a community of trans girls specifically and she just absolutely COMBS through that. reads every single post there that she can find. but coincidentally she also feels even more insecure now bc shes starting to unconsciously question her gender nd stuff and lets be real folks. an identity crisis is not fun

couple this with the fact that she doesnt experience the traditional dysphoria(tm) that other trans girls seem to universally share, iida gets rlly down abt it. nd it gets to the point she rlly raaaaags on herself for still lookin thro these posts nd stuff and still subtly questioning herself and shes just rlly unhappy at the time :[

nd she doesnt wanna like make tsu or jirou uncomfortable so she doesnt wanna ask them abt it but shes so confused nd frankly hurt and she doesnt know what going oooonnnn with herself

so shes just in this complete funk for a while nd it starts to affect her grades and performance in training. her friends know smths up but iida doesnt know how to even explain how shes feeling so its not necessarily that she doesnt WANT to go to her friends but she literally does not know how to. anyway eventually aizawa keeps her after class and is like “ok iida smths up im gonna call tensei if u dont talk to me”

iida feels absolute HORROR at the prospect of tensei somehow finding out abt this bc oh shit what if he doesnt want her carrying on the name of ingenium anymore??? what if he thinks shes a freak??? what if he thinks shes not really a girl and shes just faking it to be special?? what if- and oh shit thats the first time iida rlly consciously thought to herself “im a girl but what if others dont think i am?”

so she kinda bursts into tears and aizawa internally is like “oh jesus what the fuck” but externally hes like “iida?? r u ok?? was it something i said?? oh fuu- is something wrong with tensei??” and iida just kinda speaks thro her cries like “no nothings wrong with tensei something’s wrong with me” and ill be real folks its real sad girl hours for a bit

anyway iida doesnt rlly elaborate much beyond that bc shes so ashamed and embarrassed but aizawa is like “u’ve gotta talk to someone iida ur friends r worried and frankly i am as well” and iida eventually promises to talk to someone

soo she comes to terms that since she so confused it would be best to ask tsu and jirou abt it even if shes,,,,so v concerned,,,abt making them uncomfortable. but she manages to convince herself that she rlly does need some guidance here and better to ask ppl who know her than ask on the internet sooo

thankfully while iida is working up the courage to ask tsu and jirou to talk, she finds posts derailing terf and truscum shit so she feels. a lot lot better abt everything but particularly the lack of any intense dysphoria she had after reading stuff like that, esp the more verified(tm) articles from the more verified(tm) authors (like doctors and psychoneurologists and such)

so she figures out how she wants to word her questions nd asks tsu nd jirou to meet up. tsu nd jirou agree right away bc all of class 1-a is worried abt their class rep at this point :[ so theyre happy shes finally reaching out

iida is kinda a disaster when tryin to talk but she gets her point across. like “uhh this is a rlly bad way to ask but how did u guys know u were,,,trans?” nd tsu immediately catches on but jirou is only a lil suspicious until further into the conversation

anyway eventually jirou catches on the same as tsu and thats when tsu asks “iida do u think ur trans??”

nd iida is sooooooooo tired of feeling ashamed bc damn. she does think shes trans! she does. she shouldnt feel guilty for how she feels she cant help that. so after takin a moment to steel herself she says “yea” as confidently as one can in the situation

tsu nd jirou r immediately supportive nd ask iida for more details abt how shes feeling nd iida is just,,,so happy,, since shes already on an honesty streak that afternoon, shes able to roughly get her wack emotions into words nd tsu and jirou are like “yea thats valid ur valid iida. it doesnt matter if u dont have the trademark dysphoria or that u didnt know until later in life like ur still young. u say ur a girl, ur a girl” iida cries but only a bit bc damn months of agonizing over this. we stan one trans girl trio.........

anyway tsu and jirou ask her how she wants to move forward i.e. transitioning or telling anyone, and iida hadnt even considered transitioning before bc it felt so out of reach but shes absolutely ECSTATIC at the thought of bein able to look more feminine and it Shows. tsu and jirou r like “ok mood we were like that too right before startin estrogen”

so the first unofficial trans girl trio club meeting ends w tsu and jirou promising to help iida ask recovery girl abt hormones and iida sayin she doesnt want to come out just yet to the class/anyone else in general and tsu and jirou respectin that. i love them yall

anyway after a few months, iida is ready to try hormone treatment so tsu and jirou help her ask recovery girl for a meeting nd r moral support for her while they go thro the process of like figuring out what dosage she should start w/, how long should she take it, when a check up appointment should be, if recovery girl should tell iida’s parents yet or nah, all that stuff. anyway after that,  recovery girl gets her started on hormone treatment which iida is SUPER EXCITED abt and tsu and jirou tell her stories abt when they first started estrogen and AHHH I LOVE MY GIRLS SO MUCH FUCK

anyway eventually after some support from tsu and jirou via the unofficial trans girl club meetings and getting back on her feet confidence-wise, iida comes out to the class :,,,]]] theyre all super supportive and iida cries just a bit. tsu and jirou r so proud of her. aizawa is just glad his problem child #9 is feeling better

ashido and yaoyorozu get together and take iida shopping so she can have more feminine clothes which iida has a lot of fun w......shes never been necessarily big on shopping before (even if she is a part of the rich kid’s club lmao) but this trip is so EXCITING and ashido and momo r so happy for her and so ESCATIC to help her find some clothes and just oh my heart.......

the girls also have a sleepover during which they indoctrinate iida on all things traditionally feminine like makeup nd hair so that she knows the basics should she ever wanna mess arnd with that stuff. but also they just have fun doin normal things and just include iida in on being one of the gals nd iida is,,,so happy. tsu and jirou in particular r arnd her the whole night and wow my uwus they own them the unofficial trans girl club owns my uwus-

anyway so coming out and being accepted and transitioning is going so much better than iida thought it would be. she feels so safe and happy im crying.....anyway eventually some time later iida also gets permission to visit her family during a long weekend/short holiday w/e. nd while there she shakily but steadily comes out to her fam ofc her parents r so proud (her mom’s like ‘’ive always wanted a daughter yes!!! ily tenya’’) and tensei loves her all the same nd she cries a lil bit bc damn,,,,,,shes been fearing the exact opposite reaction for months

specifically she talks to tensei abt it for a little while and mentions her particular fears abt not being good enough to carry on the name “ingenium” nd he smiles at her nd is like “i would rather no one else but my little sister to carry on the name of ingenium” and bruh shes absolutely floored

nd yea. midoriya and uraraka absolutely love love love iida shes still their absolute fav. she joins the unofficial class 1-a trans* club as well as accidentally forms the unofficial class 1-a trans girl club. we love her,,,,

but yeah thats it. this post is so fucking long but oh well. stan iida!

[gotatext]

TASK OO1 / OOC SURVEY.

[kermit voice] hallo.... its me 

YOUR ALIAS & NICKNAMES — nora

AGE — 23

TIMEZONE — gmt

PREFERRED PRONOUNS — she/her

MBTI — enfp-infp border cos im an introvert who Masquerades as an extrovert :)

HP HOUSE — i spent 10 yrs of my life thinkin i was gryffindor.... to find out.... huffle....puff...... 

ARE YOU A STUDENT? WHAT DO YOU STUDY? — i fuckin wish! being a student was dope af i got stressed about essays like once a month and apart from that i was just chillin, surrounded by really intelligent people every day n livin it up on the party scene. adult life fucking sucks no one wants to have fun cos we all work fuckin tonnes of hours so we can afford to eat and get paid peanuts xx

ARE YOU ENJOYING IT? — im really afraid of bein one of those jock types who peaked in high school but i deff peaked in uni like 100% i was way more interesting 2 years ago

LINKS TO OTHER ACCOUNTS & SOCIAL MEDIA — im not showin u my instagram bc im a fuckin embarassment but this is pinterest , this is my personal blog, this is my writing / 1x1 blog i never use any more n this is my trash talking twitter where i mostly just cry about timothee chalamet and bash the tories. 

DISCORD USER — kristine’s forehead vein#8664

WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FICTION GENRE? — i dont read fanfiction much but when i do u can be sure it’s slow burn angsty enemies to lovers mutual pining heart attack every time one of them accidentally brushes the other’s hand

TOP FIVE FAVOURITE FILMS — suspiria (2018 luca guadagnino version rogue i kno but i prefer the remake), the lobster, before sunrise, baz luhrmann romeo + juliet, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,  thoroughbreds (REC!! so underwatched pls watch it. compelling female characters), hunt for the wilderpeople (also so underwatched), swiss army man, call me by your name, atonement, moonrise kingdom, trainspotting, the florida project. i rlly like films ok

A BOOK YOU FEEL “CHANGED” YOU? — the song of achilles by madeline miller n also fen by daisy johnson

A MOVIE YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN? — booksmart cos its fuckin dope

WHAT IS YOUR SIGN? — libra

ARE YOU INTO ASTROLOGY? —  i like to pretend im super invested in it mostly to anger my friends but tbh.... i just use it as a rough guide for character creation.... its fun but i dnt .... fully invest in what it has to say..... altho i am the most unbalanced n indecisive bitch on earth so i guess they got that right !! i just live to please baybeyy!

WHAT PLATFORMS HAVE YOU ROLEPLAYED ON? — tumblr for about 8 year (omg) n before tht facebook..... i was very embarassingly in a twilight rp..... i wrote jane..... i also rped as a scene kid oc n when i was like 12 i was on some weird forum harry potter roleplay where i basically played a self insert with georgie henley as the fc......

WHAT OTHER HOBBIES DO YOU HAVE? — i used to have so many hobbies but now i jst lie in my bed staring at the ceiling. but before i was workin like a dog i loved reading, writing, acting in theatre productions..... going out on the town getting bevved..... big druggy EDM nights in warehouses tht probably weren’t liscenced for tht many ppl..... gigs... costume-design and making, spoken word poetry, acrylic painting n rollerskating but my sister broke my skates abt two years ago in vengeance and i’ll never forgive her that fuckin bitch

HAVE ANY PETS? IF SO, TALK ABOUT THEM! — no my landlord is a fascist

IS THERE A TV SHOW YOU RECOMMEND A LOT? — i’ll never stop reccing euphoria!! also i was pleasantly surprised by looking for alaska!! but i also rlly like bob’s burgers, parks and rec, good omens.... black mirror, n sharp objects. lovesick on bbciplayer (n netflix i think) is also rlly fun

ANY SHOWS YOU LIKE SOME MIGHT BE SURPRISED TO HEAR THAT YOU DO? — maybe love island, idk if i talk abt that much bc i am ashamed but i am so obsessed with it. i even got the love island game n got so invested in my fictional relationship w bobby tht i had to delete it

WHAT WAS THE LAST BOOK YOU READ? WOULD YOU RECOMMEND IT? — god god... i haven’t finished a book in ages.... i recently started reading milkman by anna burns, the bees by laline paull and everything under by daisy johnson.... bt the last book i read cover to cover was probs circe. defs read it. feminist and witchy

CURRENTLY READING? — i jst said this but the bees, everything under and less so milkman cos im finding milkman a bit tough

LAST FILM? REC IT? — i watched ladyworld the lord of the flies all-female remake n even maya hawke could not save it.... dnt get me wrong from an art film point of view i loved it but it felt a bit underdeveloped n a level media studies for me..... apart from tht?? the runaways (yorkshire film not released yet at a preview screening) and threads (also a yorkshire film from the 80s about nuclear apocalypse)

THREE MOVIES YOU NEED TO WATCH — portrait of a lady on fire, i work at an independent cinema n we recently had a preview screening and everyone said it was SICK, uhhhh short term 12, n the new eliza scanlen movie babyteeth

WHAT MOVIE DO YOU THINK YOU’VE SEEN THE MOST TIMES? — madagascar because when i was 12 my parents bought me a little television with a dvd player in it for my birthday and madagascar was the only dvd i owned for like..... the first two years of havin the absolute luxury of a tv in my room so i just used to watch it all the time n i now basically know the script inside out

WHAT ALWAYS PUTS YOU IN A GOOD MOOD? — nothing, life is pointless n i hate fun, let me rot in peace

WHO IS YOUR FAVOURITE MUSICIAN / BAND? LIST IF THERE ARE MORE THAN ONE. — ughhh god probably lcd soundsystem. gorillaz, the streets, tame impala, talking heads, soft hair, i also love lizz tho n also angry twangy guitar girl bands like girlpool, courtney barnett, best coast, cherry glazerr,

WILD NIGHT OUT OR QUIET NIGHT IN? — quiet night in my party days are over i cant even be bothered to go to the shops if its past 4.30pm and dark these days

ANY PHOBIAS? — clowns n rats

DO YOU LIKE BUGS? — absolutely not

BIRDS? — yes but not if they fly in my face

ARE YOU A CAT OR DOG PERSON? BOTH? — i love both i want one 

BIGGEST PET PEEVE? — tory middle aged boomers who treat me like actual shit on their shoe because i work in the service industry like thats my choice and their poor economic decisions didnt mean i have to do a shitty job to afford to live bcos of austerity n cuts to arts funding meaning i cant get a job writing unless i self-fund :)))

FAVOURITE THING ABOUT THE RPC? — that everyone ive met through rp is a fuckin LAFF

TOP TEN FAVE FCS TO USE? — god .... diana silvers, timothee chalamet, margaret qualley, kristine froseth, froy gutierrez, zendaya, elle fanning, astrid berges frisbey, hunter schafer, leonardo dicaprio

FIVE YOU LIKE WRITING AGAINST? — herman tomeraas, hunter schafer, saoirse ronan, timothee chalamet, froy gutierrez

FAVOURITE TYPE OF FOOD? — linda mccartney 1/2pounder mozzarella veggie burgers, sweet potato wedges, tomato soup, mozzarella sticks, brownies

WORST FOOD? — green things like broccoli n sprouts gross. baked beans cos as a kid ppl used to do baked bean baths for comic relief / red nosed day a lot n i thought when they were finished in the baked bean bath they just put all the cold beans back in the tin. actually anything small that moves around on your plate. peas. spaghetti. sweetcorn. i dont like small things i cant control.

DO YOU PLAY VIDEOGAMES? IF SO, WHAT ONES AND ON WHAT PLATFORM DO YOU PREFER? — last year my housemate had an xbox n i went through a phase of obsessively playin fable 3 it was amazing. i had like 5 husbands and 3 wives and loads of kids but they all ended up leavin me cos i spent so much time out doing quests neglecting them

ANYTHING ELSE YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE WITH THE TAG? — this

LASTLY, HOW DID YOU FIND US? — im one of those bitches who was in this grp all the way back when it was swipe... so quirky and original!! i knew the band before u! anyway im goin now this has been sufficiently embarassing..... i am lame

[possibilistfanfiction]

prompt: leslie and/or tina’s reactions to seeing karolina and nico together! (as easy as it is to write leslie as homophobic I truly don’t think she would be, especially after watching the second season, so I’m interested in your take on this!)

[this is just basically entirely au bc honestly … idk i didnt want to write abt murderous parents lol… also sometimes i forget that karolina is in high school! so small!! just a baby!!!!]

//

all of your friends already know, and it’s not really that big a deal; gert is ready to drag you to a fucking parade, probably, and molly has already gotten you a little rainbow pin.

also, there’s nico, who is soft and so beautiful and you knew you liked girls before you kissed her—there’d been crushes and you’d definitely touched yourself a few times while you were absentmindedly watching callie and arizona during a grey’s anatomy rewatch—and then you had absolutely hated kissing chase, so. you knew. you knew even if it was hard to admit, and even if it was harder to say aloud.

it still is; you’ve only said the words to gert and that was because you were plastered and she was so genuinely proud of you, excited for you. it’s not that you’re ashamed—you’re not; you love who you are and you think you’re definitely in love with nico—but it’s still hard sometimes.

all of this is running through your head really fucking fast because you’re having a movie night with your mom and she’d ordered your favorite pizza and you know that you should tell her, that dale and stacy know because they’d caught you and nico kissing in their backyard during a dinner when molly said they wouldn’t be home until later, but they had promised that you could stay with them if you ever needed.

it’s just—you’re supposed to be the perfect church girl, and you are; you’re tall and thin and blonde and you like pretty clothes and you get good grades and you are kind; nico has told you this with all the confidence in the world, and sometimes you have petty thoughts, recently you have felt a kind of anger that you never have before—but you are kind. you are good.

you’re thinking this kind of like a mantra as you walk downstairs, and your mom is setting out plates and smiles when she sees you.

you check your phone to stop your hands from shaking; you’d told your friends in your group chat you were probably going to talk to her tonight.

gert: I support you and we all love you so much! You know if you ever need someone to protest for you I’ll be there in a heartbeat

gert: Also my parents said i can pick you up if you need, just let me know. There’s tons of ice cream and also wine, I’m pretty sure they’d let us have it without even asking

gert: but ur mom is going to be cool. You got this

you roll your eyes because okay, it’s a little excessive, but she’s just doing her best and being who she is, really, and that is why you love her.

chase: love u kar !!

it makes you smile. molly texts you just a lot of rainbow themed emojis, and even alex sends you a few purple hearts.

nico texts you in your own private messages: you’re the bravest person i know and no matter what i’m so proud of you and i’m so proud to be with you

you smile and shoot back quick texts thanking all of them, and then you put your phone down and sit on a stool at the island.

‘hi sweetheart,’ she says, slides over a plate to you with pizza and a few greens on the side. ‘how was your week?’

you can’t bear to even look at your food you’re so nervous you feel sick, and you clench your hands under the island so your mom can’t see how much they’re trembling.

‘mom,’ you say, and you will your voice to be strong and steady; logically you have a wild amount of privilege in the world so even if this goes horribly wrong you’ll be really, really fine. 

she sits down next to you and takes a bite of pizza, nods.

‘can i talk to you about something?’

she sits back and looks at you seriously. ‘karolina, of course.’

you nod, clench your jaw. you had a whole speech planned but what comes out is, ‘i kissed nico,’ and it sits in the air and you’re about to start rambling and explaining but your mom just puts down her pizza and stands, steps toward you and folds you into a gentle hug, fierce and tight and soft.

you start to cry and you’re kind of embarrassed, distantly, but your mom is steady and strokes down your back a few times, eventually backs up and frets with your hair for a few seconds before smiling gently.

‘is that what you’ve been so upset about recently?’ she asks, gently but also like it’s so normal, like she would’ve asked about any boy. ‘does she not feel the same way?’

‘oh,’ you say, and feel the heat rise to your cheeks. ‘uh, no, she does. we like each other.’

your mom smiles and sits but doesn’t let go of your hands, even though they’re shaking. ‘i love you, karolina. you’re my daughter and i’m proud of you and the gender of the person you like could never change those things.’

you give her a watery little smile and when you sniffle she stands to bring you a few tissues, kisses the top of your head.

‘i had a whole speech planned, about being gay.’ your voice is rough and kind of small but you’re so relieved you don’t even care.

‘you can still give it to me, if you want.’ your mom’s offer is sincere and sometimes she’s fucking annoying but honestly she’s a good mom.

you shrug. ‘nah, it’s okay.’

‘okay.’ she rubs your back once. ‘do you want me to warm your pizza up for you?’

it’s so absurd, you think, the normalcy of all of this, the fear that had been eating away at you for weeks. ‘that’s all right,’ you say, and take a bite.

‘so,’ your mom says, turning toward you and sitting forward, dropping her voice a little conspiratorially and you almost want to preemptively roll your eyes. ‘how’s it going with nico?’

‘oh my god,’ you groan. 

‘are you girlfriend official yet?’

‘mom.’

she grins, really, sincerely grins. ‘do we need to have the talk? you’re being safe?’

you think your face is burning. ‘not that it’s really any of your business but we’re haven’t—i’m not ready. yet.’

it makes you sound so young and vulnerable and you hate it; you know you love nico and you want to have sex with her but you also want to take your time, especially after whatever happened at that party; you want it to be safe and unhurried and beautiful, for both of you.

your mom’s smile softens. ‘okay,’ she says. ‘well, if you ever need anything, let me know.’

‘i definitely will not.’

she laughs and then takes both of your plates to the couch. you sit next to her and refuse to even let her click on the lgbt movies category. you pick salt instead because you both love that movie even though you’ve seen it like a million times and your mom just gives you a little side eye when angelina comes on screen.

‘you’re way too excited about this,’ you grumble around a bite.

she pats your thigh. ‘i could tell you were holding something in for months, now, karolina—a heaviness. i was worried.’

‘oh.’

she brushes a strand of hair behind your ear. ‘you’re my child, and this is just something about you. i support you and the church does too. mostly i’m very relieved that you’re happy.’

you nod because you’re going to cry again and you really don’t want to.

you set aside your empty plates and curl up into her side like you did when you were very small, even though you’re taller than her now. she smells the same and growing up is kind of fucking terrible but this, right now, really isn’t so bad.

you text your friends quickly when she goes to the bathroom, that everything was cool, it was great even.

and you text nico: my mom was awesome. i love you

you send it before you realize that the first time you’d told her that you love her after you kissed her is over text but it’s sent now, there’s no going back. you laugh a little but she texts you back i love you too and you decide you’ll tell her a hundred times in person, a thousand, to make up for it.

you fall asleep on the couch after you’ve eaten a lot of ice cream and your mom wakes you eventually, walks you to your room.

‘i love you, karolina,’ she says, drawing you into her. ‘so, so much.’

you take all the half-asleep comfort you can from her hug. ‘i love you too.’

[peri]

❗🥰🏳️‍🌈🤔?

THANK U NOVA I APPRECIATE U SM

❗ when/how did you realize you were LGBT+?

skipping details of all my questioning and life-long suppression due to living in a extremely religious and homophobic household, i’d say i officially “realized” when i got a huge crush on an old bi friend (now ex) and found myself saying yes when she asked me out. this was maybe back in late 2016? idk for sure, timelines are hard for me. and yes it took me getting in a relationship to finally “realize” (or at least start identifying as lgbt)

🥰 have you ever been to a pride parade?

unfortunately no :

im hoping to go someday!!

🏳️‍🌈 do you own any pride things? flags, pins, etc? 

no for the same reason listed above :

🤔 did you have any childhood signs that you were LGBT+?

so. fucking. MANY.

the only reason i hadnt embraced it / identified as it / etc etc sooner was Only due to the fact i was made to feel ashamed and hide my feelings abt these things. this goes for both my gender and sexuality.

sexuality-wise, ive always loved girls. i never saw anything personally wrong with girls kissing girls / anyone who wasnt a guy even from a very young age which, i didnt understand when my parents would point and say thats bad. but because of their behavior and hatred toward it, and my used-to-be quiet nature, i learned to not voice myself on it around them that eventually led to self-hatred and a tough time accepting myself for a long while. many more signs of my sexuality throughout my life i could list but yknow.

gender-wise, ive always felt a disconnect to gender. as y’all know, im nonbinary - agender if we wanna be specific. i feel no connection to gender whatsoever, but just use the umbrella term of nb more commonly.

anyways, tying up with my butchness as well i suppose, i never liked wearing makeup. my sister is big on makeup and has been ever since she learned how to use it. she used to always wanna put makeup on me and ive only allowed it like 3 times in my life, however every time led to me feeling really bad and i wasnt sure why / couldnt identify it bc i thought for a long time that i was a “girly girl” and even a femme when i first started using the lesbian term. but yeah i just really didnt like it and i wasnt sure why, considering all those things. spoiler alert: it made me dysphoric. as did everything i used to do to attempt to perform femininity because it caused me to be seen as female, tying me to a binary which i later learned was very damaging to me.

i remember the first time she put makeup on me, i was probably 5? 6? and it was only lipstick and some eyeshadow + blush i think. but after 5 minutes of it on, i panicked. i wasnt sure why at the time. i remember vividly, i wiped it off in the middle of the room and said “this isnt me, this isnt me!” and started crying and my sister made fun of me for being over-dramatic and told the whole family about it. at the time i wasnt sure why i had that reaction and didnt know until i embraced the fact i was nonbinary and also butch. so like. double-whammy. (not to say nbs cant wear makeup! we absolutely can. but for me, being afab, makes me uncomfortable and dysphoric.)

i kinda went on a longish one abt my gender didnt i. KDJDDJF i could say MUCH MORE abt it all bc talking abt gender is like. almost a special interest to me?? i love talking abt it all.

❓ when did you start questioning?

sexuality, i started seriously questioning the label of it all around age 14/15 id say, and facing thats what i actually was finally.

gender, i never rly had a … “questioning” moment for? i kinda just always. was. just didnt have the words for it. which ig u can say the same for my sexuality, but this was much easier for me to accept once i found the label for it. however i didnt come out abt it until i met my gf actually, bc i used to think it didnt matter enough to mention since, at the time, she/her pronouns were fine with me and everything like that (which i ofc later found out makes me v uncomfy, alongside other things like that) but im rly glad i did and embraced it more and allowed myself to be my most authentic self💚

💚send me an emoji asking pride month questions!

[boojersey]

VIC DO ALL THE ASKS BC I LOVE U AND WANT U TO HAVE FUN

*SWEATS* AYE AYE CAPN

cw for like some common lgbt+ topics such as dysphoria violence discrimination etc just. tread carefully if u get triggered easily by bad lgbt experiences

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns? -im a gay trans man and my pronouns are he/him but they/them is also acceptable!

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?-oh wow i originally thought i was a lesbian because i didnt even know what transgender was i just thought wishing i was a man meant i was butch and then i met my friend donnie in eighth grade who told me he was trans and it was kinda a huge slap in the face but with a sack of gay bricks? and i found out i dont like women through actually having sex with cis women and finally realizing it. really wasnt for me so now im just a gay man as opposed to queer as an umbrella term but i periodically refer to myself as such

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?-oh yea i literally was misgendered today i just kinda brush it off but it can be hard sometimes especially when people know im trans and do it

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?-i first told donnie about my gender, it was a thing where i went to bed the night i met him and was like  .. wait holy fuck and then the next day i was like BRO HOLY FUCK but sexuality? i dont really know???? it was so long ago it was honestly probably my group of friends on kik that i had in 2013 (u were included in that mister!!!!)

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?-im not actually fully out but the first time someone who was an adult knew about my trans-ness was what really set in for me the fact that i could come out one day; my friends mom referred to me as seance (and like. obviously she respected my gender she has a trans kid) but it was just super jarring bc no adult had known yet abt my identity in any way and as a result i was rlly glad it was nighttime in that car bc i cried almost immediately; the first time i came out on my Own was to my cousin and he laughed in my face so that was pretty damn awful and its kinda funny cuz the bastard is bi so u would think hed have been accepting but n0pe!

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?-im out to my friends now ! and the reception was generally positive bc i think i do an ok job at picking ppl to be around in terms of morals so there was little bad reception

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?-i hate when ppl ask if im gay as in for men or gay as in for women because im trans, i am a man so when i say im gay i feel like that should be easy enough to put 2 and 2 together but when they ask that i feel as if they still view me as a woman

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.-emo of the gods themselves it is absolute scene and emo vomit and i love it; its seriously hard for me to wear dresses and skirts without dysphoria and just general discomfort but i own a couple anyway bc theyre cute i just. never wear them

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?-my main thing at the moment is gerard/frank/grant morrison bc i love poly fics very dearly and gerard/bert because bert mccracken deserved better than gerawrds internalized homophobia lol

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?-makeup to me is an androgynous thing so i wear eyeshadow a lot and lipstick sometimes, eyeshadow is easier on my eyes than eyeliner bc im allergic to a lot of makeup thats on the heavier side so if i put on eyeliner my eyes will water and burn throughout the day but with eyeshadow im mostly ok; other opinion is that makeup on Anyone can be sexy as hell if they do it for fun and wear literally what they truly want and not just what they think is accepted or what they Should wear

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?-oh yeah my dysphoria is pretty debilitating if im gonna be honest; i used to have very little problems with it because my hold on reality was loose at best (before i was medicated to clarify) but now that i am almost completely Here my dysphoria is pretty bad and even just like. the knowledge that i have breasts is pretty awful; a few weeks ago i put on an outfit that i have to wear a victorias secret bra to fit properly in and just one look in the mirror had me sobbing and i had to change my clothes before i could leave the house and i havent worn a bra since because just the thought of showing off my chest makes this stark fuckin dread shoot through my veins but i also have dysphoria in regards to my voice that i discussed at my last trans therapy group meeting actually ; my voice has a tendency to bounce around my octave range so sometimes ill be like. excited then hear what i sound like. and ruin it for myself immediately u kno? im not even gonna talk about my dicksphoria bc thats just. awful. 

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?-ohhhhhhhh my god u know what? ive heard..so much .. that im gonna instead take this opportunity to mention my mother genuinely thinks dnd is satanic

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-the fact that were so strong. we are so fucking strong we deal with violence and opposition constantly and at staggering rates yet we stay strong and we continue loving through all of it, whether its in dark corners in secret or loudly in the streets we continue loving and do so with all of our beings because we know its our own truth and well gladly go to hell if it means we got to love on earth (not that everyone believes in hell or the idea that us gays go to hell but my point stands)

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?-we have this audacity to create divide (to the fault of mostly cis white gay men thank u very much) when what we need to do is love each other because we are different but at the end of the day we all need to remain in tandem and as a family or we will never get to where we need to in terms of acceptance and that means being uplifting and protecting our trans sisters of color, our disabled lgbt members, our autistic lgbt members, our anything past cis white gay man because we all need recognition, we all need love, and to exclude any letters of lgbt is to tear ourselves down and set ourselves on fire

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?-no :((( no one would drive me in the past and i dont think ill have a way to get there this year either

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?-brian molko! my bisexual, androgynistically-inclined father who birthed me at the tender age of 16 when i found placebo

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?-ya theres been a few and i dont rlly like to talk abt my relationships with anyone unless theyre online relationships so im just gonna leave it at that

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?-pantomime by laura lam! its one of if not my favorite book to this day

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?-y a every damn day bitch ! example is when i was deadnamed by my psychiatrist while she knows full well what my name is the other day; another is the countless times i get called a lesbian ???? and when strict lesbians ask me out i get a very bad taste in my mouth (i understand full well that sexuality is fluid, these are lesbians that spit the ‘penis is gross blegh’ rhetoric)

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?-uh im just gonna say preacher bc its my favorite show altogether n cass is bi/pan/something similar

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?-@ble3dmagic is my boyfriend in crime (not rlly thats a joke) and @musicalsense​ is my sunburnt Brother

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?-queer! i also use f*ggot a lot when talking about myself and my friends that are ok with it

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?-i went to a drag show and it was so amazing and one of the first times i felt accepted in my own community that i cried

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?-well i identify as a man with no leaning towards womanhood or nonbinaryhood in any way, its just . man . but in terms of Expression i am quite androgynous bc i can rlly appreciate femininity (NOT the same as womanhood) and being a man to me means just that ive always wanted to grow up with that “gender role” like i always wish i was raised as a stereotypical parent would raise a son and ive always been more interested in stereotypically masculine things and people since i can even remember and i feel like puberty was just this unpreventable spiral into something i didnt want. i didnt want it at all . this is tmi but when i got my first period i cried my eyes out bc the idea of being called a Woman repulsed me so much and since i didnt even know that being trans was a concept i was just this scared puppy full of confusion and fear aimed at myself because all the stuff i heard i was supposed to be proud of the change but i wasnt i was so ashamed of it and the idea of being called a woman made me sick to my stomach and i just wish i could go back in time and hold myself and tell me itll be alright 

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?-absoLutely not i hate kids (and by that i mean i hate being around them and the culture that surrounds having children; i do not treat kids like shit and i do not act like hating children is a personality trait; i get migraines and usually the second a child starts screaming or crying i am on the floor of my brain writhing in dire pain and i have absolutely no desire to support another human life when frankly i cant even support myself; its also just not a lifestyle i want to live)

What identity advice would you give your younger self?-god so fucking much. so fucking much. so many things i wish i could say to myself

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?-i think if someone wants to adhere to them then hell yea go ahead just dont expect others to do it or try to tell other people its a Norm or something; theyre for the most part christian in nature so i dont have any desire to follow them myself, i want a relationship (if any) thats more of a coexistence if that makes sense, like. roommates plus dick

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?-i always used to anxiously chew on the idea that my chest dysphoria is just me holding disdain for the shape and size of my breasts but let me tell you. the second i put on my binder for the first time i immediately started crying because i was so overwhelmed by the fact that i was looking at something one step closer to myself and i know full well i am never going to have that doubt again. this week has been exponentially cathartic and therapeutic for me

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?-i want the cisheteros to know that nothing they learn about us is new. everything about us has been around for so so long but has been silenced and erased to the point where a lot of us dont even know many things about our rich and beautiful history

Why are proud to be lgbt+?-honestly? its hard for me to not just straight up say im not proud of my identity. its taken me years to stamp down the plain grieving toward my identity and wishing i could have the easier path but frankly? the fact that i am choosing this path of hardship and hell on earth just to be who i truly am i think speaks volumes of my pride in my identity at this point; further back in my archive by a few years my posts are littered with sentiments of bitterness wherein i stated that i hate being trans and not just cis but i like to think ive finished hating myself for my identity. i like to think im proud now. to ask me why is to ask too much of me, all i know now is that i am proud and thats enough for me right now.

[xz017]

.

oof. okay so imma do the latest tea???

got out of shower to hear my mum talkin to Agnes spillin the tea abt their friend/coworker

the one with that Kid my mum wanted to have a playdate with or whatever the annoyingly studious and clearskinned halfasian lookin girl i really envied.

her mum has a live in boyfriend who is basically like...an alcoholic mental case rip god i hate alcohol and i hate people who drink it like i only do it so i hate myself more and die but like this guy basically playin with knives n guns in the house and the kid who is like 19 idk why im callin her kid is so Over it like apparently she hasn’t been coming home and like

basically me in 2016 era when my mum was too generous n Helpful lettin ppl back into our lives and our House so i spent christmas morning 5am walkin in the cold n watchin 3 films until it got dark and stuff like that

girl be actin homeless---mood

so it came to a head today so Agnes is spillin the tea n her husband in the bg(omg it weird hearin him rip he was my military hs instructor wild) n my mUM is so selfrighteous n mad like

‘blablahblah well rosalie is being dumb she should put her daughter first she being sick in the head it her Choice’

n im like eavesdroppin havin warflashbacks of the dumb hypocrisy she has DOne lmao

‘has she no thought like what if Tyler gets raped/sexually abused by that man she’d let her daughter be in that environment???’

i mean it wouldnt be fair of me to be like...eyemoji on this cos she technically doesn’t know? but 19 may 2018 never4get lmao

anyway so my mum’s like our room is for rent and it’ll be far cheaper they dont even have to pay rn!!!

cue me being like...um...Money...generosity...i dont...LIke

i was conflicted here like idk i met the girl like 3-5 times im envious of her work ethic n her better asian disposition than mine cos she obviously prettier but she has better prospects and that’d suck if her life be like that

but also??? like...life be like that it was like that to me like who saved me????????????????????? 

um...no one

like why is that on me or US TO BE NICE n helpful im so tired like damn which is relevant to the next point anyway

cos earlier had a convo with my mum i was eyemojing healthcare profs i was like ‘pls stop bein on ye phone pls tell me info on ye opinion on respiratory therapists...what abt PA’

n deadass she be eyemojing me like STICK TO YOUR COURSE

n i was like...-ugly pleadin emoji eyes- n i was tryin to explain that i didn’t want to be so focused on one thing that if i decide this medical thing is what i want to pursue i’d need 1-2 years just for the PREREQS which is like 5 classes and 1000 clinical hours or minimum 6 month healthcare paid job. like if i decide i want to go to school for that i already have the Stuff and just Apply.

n she was like...you had your chance i bothered you to be a nurse a few years ago you were stubborn if you did as i said you’d be earning good money now but you wasted time

n i was like...oof i can’t say anything to that it’s tru. it real life tea it fax i wasted time n im old n im ruunnin out of time i hate myself alot i hate hate hate

and idk we got to talkin abt money n life cos she was like you have to find something you can learn to LOve

n i was like??? WHY I GOTTA SETTLE N FOOL MYSELF TO DO SO im super annoyed abt that mindset

cos the thing about a bloody Arts degree is there’s too fuckin many broad possibilities n they all aint even that good. like deadass if i was a STEM major ugh like if i was a Bio major prospects are so clear: forensics, research, premed,labtech. Meanwhile polsci for example: uhhh teacher? prelaw? politician? uhhh government work? n there’s like 111 different subdivisions of that n it’s like??? wat the fuck

deadass what am i gonna do with international security is that even gonna pay well like...the fuck do i know is it relevant ??? Doubts

n she was all like...PEOPLE JUST GOTTA DO WHAT THEY HAVE TO TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND YOURS N STICK WITH IT

n i was lowkey panique n frustrated cos i really REALLY hate being stuck in 1 ting n im like i HAD ACTING YOU SAID NO

n she was like pFF i wanted you to have something REAL cos if you dont make it in acting you’d be on the STREETS

n i was like...lmao lil did she know imma be on the streets next year smh this year actually

n she was like talkin abt the harsh reality of the workforce and how you gotta make do at how ppl treat you (patients) n how you might not even like your coworkers but you gotta deal with it because that’s what ppl do to survive

n she was talkin abt undeserving patients with no healthcare n i was like did you just hear yourself so you want them to die cos they dont got money and she was like 

no??? why get hooked up in the ICU when you’re braindead wasting government money taxes we payed for you don’t understand cos you dont have a job and dont get your salary cut cos of taxes and these people come in acting like they got something to give when they yell at your face acting like they know what they’re talking about they act entitled when they have nothing homeless ppl getting money and illegal immigrants are selfish bringing their kids to be hurt here

n im like...theyre life is ...shitty what are you talkin about n she was like so? why dont they stay and make it better??? one of my very first patients asked me why i was in america and i said i come from a poor country and they said why didn’t you stay and try to make it better? and i couldn’t say anything cos u know what they were right why dont illegal immigrants do that??? n im like...

cos theyre literally...RUNNIN and they want ppl they care abt i.e. children to be far away from that as soon as possible bruh ye think imma wait for change deadass there a reason why we suffer duterte he actually get shit done??? we dont have to wait for change the same way ppl who speak nice n are polite do but is stuck with bureaucracy and lowkey bein corrupt deadass stay in ye lane

n she’s like well i hope you’re right im done bein an idealist im a realist now i believed in good i wanted to help the world now no more

n im like...no you’re not a realist, you’ve just been hangin out with a republican

and she gave me a sideeye 

but deadass im ...scared like i really hate the empathy because when she was being serious n talkin n being honest abt things for once i started to unwillingly see things from her point of view i really felt it n i was scared i’ll be like that im scared she’s right

im scared i’ll end up Real n selfish like...i already am ? n bitter? like i care about so very few Personally and am willin to let others suffer to keep it safe n prioritised?

im scared.

like especially with racism all these years my mum’s been telling me it’s not that im racist just wait til you work with them they act so entitles and loud and make everything about race

n i almost told Her abt it earlier i skyped w her earlier we had a tea spillin moment about our ethnic relations bein racist but then idk we talked alot i guess the text got buried or unseen

like i said i was scared n didn’t get to unpack it like im scared because ive been livin with my roomate and like...ive been excusing it as a personality thing and that if it were anyone else different skin colour id still hate them just the same which i still maintain is true but like?

my RM is loud n she makes everything abt race like deadass me n my FM be just eating dinner and she passes by us and goes on a rant about harvard asians being a Blok to black ppl from getting There n im like...im tryna have dinner so i can get energy to deal with this stressful ass school

n she always talks like she knows what she’s talking about like ‘jewish ppl control the federal bank’ n im like...it 1am in the dark quiet of our shared room deadass i dont wanna tell the binch thats antisemitism cos she gonna be like im black how can i be racist smh

im!!! scared alright like i hate my roomate for proving my mum right when i try so hard to set things right like maybe that’s why i dont tell anyone about my situation other than Her. i never told my parents about the berkeley livin situation they already warn me enough to be careful n i just keep tellin them thats racist

i have so much........THOUGHTS n........DILEMMAS...n FEARS but like i just have this blog i cant trust anyone else to talk abt it n the only person i am willing to talk to abt it will be busy and im so ashamed abt these things but she was so sweet about givin me the heads up about her schedule 

like i hated that i had to get an ugly ass haircut today cos she came back to me n we couldve talked so i guess rip she was complacent n did stuff cos she replied late from then on like that dumbass haircut was 15 minutes ugh. our talkin pattern today was like...dashed lines timereply wise? i asked her if she packed earlier (pre haircut)n she said yes but rip a few hours later she was like...I need to pack 

wat is the truth rip

the tablet bein emo like...mood but my child rip.

my love be packin n spendin time with fam before leavin for london tomorrow

n even after that she doin...Stuff. rip.

which is ye know good for her rip.

i just hope she dont go iceskatin deadass one slip n she can crack her head open or break her neck or paralyse her spine like...??? why do humans wanna do dumb activities

like omg she admitted to me today she a serial jaywalker and WORSE with music n headphones like

binch thats why i didnt wanna enable you further by gettin ye airpods deadass bye

n she was like??? tryna equate it with my risky risk like ummm

mine is for science n validity

hers is just carelessness n chosin lazy convenience over idk...the responsibility of self vigilance like...

bruh ppl shouldnt promise someone 91 years if they be continuin to do dumb stuff consciously oof rip

but other than that like...im...really proud of this resolution she be undertakin officially on the 14th?

im nervous abt it cos i really want it for her too. i want her to get the proper sleep n i always hated her givin excuses like ‘IM FINE ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP’ ‘I NAPPED 3 HOURS 38293820 HOURS AGO IM FINE I MADE UP FOR IT’ um...blokt. get proper sleep binch i love you tf???

prioritise work cos ye gonna regret not givin it yer all??? n ye payin for this???

what fun??? we capitalists now we want that money rip.

i see that shift you know rip i saw it comin a year ago.

that dont mean we republicans rip we still care about others n the inequality? but like i foresaw us getting acquainted with the harsh reality of the world n how difficult it is to get a job--which she experienced along the way.

n rip she wants many things bookmarkin them n honestly same rip

i want a stable warm home for this family n a shiny diamond to get disassociated by extra im a simple man

meanin im selfish n im ready to prioritise meanin im ready to make the choice for others to fall apart/behind if it means puttin This first rip

god pls dont make me a republican this so ugly

# 1 she’d hate me #2 i’d hate me

now im sad

im dead.

omg rip earlier too as she said goodbye i told her i loved her and she was like ‘i love you more’

DEADASS I WAS LIKE LMAO!!! girL i dont think you understand im literally Ready to put you and our possible future First like...im not messin around what skitrips with rich ppl what friends my love is potent n extreme n COncentrated like im sorry ik you feel love for me but you cant top This rip she not ready 

like the um ‘partially wanna make my life’s work abt knowin what might hurt n kill ye so i can kill it first or blok it well’ kinda love

the ‘im already savin for at least HALF a first month deposit in an overpriced london in case you wanna settle down wit me Mayhaps n im not touching it for ANYTHING’ kinda love

the ‘im thinking of a winter home in the tropics so you suffer less n im plannin the floorplans already rip just in case’ kinda extraness

but anyways the gall of this cute lovely human rip ‘i love you more’ ummm try Again smh

bruh i love her too much i bet that’s scary for her rip it might be a Burden tbh she so young rip 

meanwhile im old n ready to rot but like...

i wanna be mortal wit ye before i do

but ye know wat lads i saw myself in the mirror today like 5 times OOF. this meatform...keepin me...Humble. 

bitter but like...humble

‘like of course sHe not ready not only is my personality like dis but also...my outward form how could she introduce me as a Spouse’

‘wow i look like that oof it good i remembered i am undeservin of full intense love like in the films n fanfiction they always between attractive ppl after all it only 1/2 it not Equal’

‘wow bruh ye really upset she spendin time n resources elsewhere when you be lookin like That? ye dont have much to offer bro take the L’

oof so that’s the personal tea i can think of?

had a meghan marke talk rip i can’t believe i was right??? i had twin vibes!!! but i was hoping for like a variety situation rip im worried a lil abt the whole birthin Late ting but she can afford the highest care rip it fine she rich.

my love was talkin abt how pretty MM was n i was like rip is she triggerin Her a lil rip worrirooni

rip speakin of babies like she was showin me this smol gummybear n im like same das me heart n she was like :( n i was like it only fits you

n she was like so no children then:(

n i was like!!! rip if it Ours of course that Counts n i was a lil shook like rip she said she didn’t want them Really so i always get guilty when i talk abt the future or realise i mentioned kids or carelessly name drop Hyaline n Benzion like...im dead rn just typin that like what if she read this big shame bro

but ye know what this is already long n she gonna be busy maybe that’s the key. TOo Much puts ppl OFF so ye mayhaps we sneaky ! ?

anyway i was tryin to get her thoughts on it rip but like she was all iDK ASK ME IN 13 Yrs n i was like...

sighemoji + sandemoji + resignedemoji

rip we talked FAaC a lil. cos she Dared!!! to liken me to her brother just cos i showed her my cheap youth boy shoes smh

At first i was super offended n disgusted but then i was like rip eyemoji if ye into that

then she was like ew nO

then i was like um ye already play the ‘daddy u like me young huh’ card

which is like idk is like technically? joking but it’s like that post ye know abt ppl bein ‘whether or not im actually jokin or flirtin depends if you into it’ but also like schrodingers racism like ‘it was a joke bro!!!’ but they actually bigots.

so it DIFFICULT for my brain to Confirm rip like...eyemoji what is the truth

but like??? im rip. willin. rip. to. rip. Try. rip.?

really i am rip. it Her. bruh. im only hopin she dont have a golden shower kink but. trust i...Will follow thru.

nO IM REMEMBERIN THE DOO DOO POST DESPAIR

rip anyway that whole thing reminded me of FAaC origins which was porn n then somehow sHe was like imagine if egggsy was a singer he’d sing like ‘age is just a number’ shit n i SPILLED THE TEA ABOUT A TING IN PT 3 im so weak sand

i miss the gays

i wanna give them justice n happiness but the 2027 excuse is rl nice for my ugly procrastination issues oof but i wish them well

add: rip had another talk with my mum i really wanted her to understand my thought process about wanting to get the prereqs for medtraining done beforehand

n she was like...I UNderstand but Normal people--

n i was like ‘IM NOT NORMAL I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE I HAVE NO IDENTITY’

n she’s just like SHOOKE n mad n clearly dont understand that im fukt up in the head ‘...IC AN’T BELIEVE YOU!!! iF YOU’RE ABNORMAL YOU WONT GET HIRED N YOU WONT HAVE A NICE JOB’

n im like...well i mean what can i say to that it’s not like it’s not tru rip

Big sand honestly.

it gonna be a long few days imma do my best to leave her alone she needs her time rip i love her so much rip sand

i feel like a dumb ugly dog god fljækadfkøad h8

[realchiqui]

23 08 22. today i sent kimi some girly kei hairstyles inspo pics bc i think they would suit her little round face so cutely !!! and bc she wanted to incorporate more ribbons into her looks and what a better way 2 do it than putting them in your hair !!! i would love to do them myseld but I'm too lazy plus I don't have time to do my hair properly bc i have shit to do and my uni schedule is demonic 〒﹏〒 anyway since i sent her the pic below i haven't stopped thinking abt it !! istg is the cutest up-do I've ever seen ! UNFORTUNATELY, as many of u may know, my hair is short rn so I won't be able to recreate it in a long, long time 🥹 if any of u feel like it please do ur hair like this and send me a photo, i want to vicariously have long hair ... god

as i previously said, this semester schedule is demonic i have 8ams everyday till 10-11am, depending on the day, and then i have to go back either at 3 or 4:20pm till 7:25pm ... so u can guess just how exhausted i am 😵‍💫 i have no energy so im eating more and working out less... which should be a good thing,,, which IS a good thing but yk my fucked up brain is going absolutely crazy abt it BUT!! that's not everything,,, i also ,,,, don't know what to wear anymore LMAO like ok my bad, i know shouldn't be wearing two different outfits everyday but come onnn...... ! talking abt fashion, today while waiting for the bus home i saw the prettiest most stylish girl of the town. i felt ashamed for a second there for thinking I was doing fashion right ***highly inappropriate behavior ahead: tried to take a pic of her but it came out blurry as hell. now looking at it the fit is rlly nothing special lmao she was just too pretty also I rly want her hat so i was just being bisexual and projecting

today i also tried to style white tights but it didnt go the way i had envisioned so i changed to black ones, so that sucked ass 😵‍💫