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bronx-bomber87 · 2 months ago

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Happy Wednesday my lovely readers :) We’ve reached the episode that rocked me to my very core. Honestly haven’t been this attached to a ship in a very very long time. Years passed without this level of attachment. Bringing out sides of me I didn't think existed. Like doing reviews. But our ship is something special even when they rip our hearts out. I blame Eric and Melissa LOL They are INCREDIBLE in this episode. The both of them. Brought their A game and then some.

This ep legit affected my mood for 3 weeks no joke and utterly destroyed me. I needed extra days to decompress before did my mini. The fandom was so lovely about that too. Love this fandom so much. I still don't know how I got that out tbh lol Also God Bless my bestie D for going through that with me. I got to watch it early that day which normally didn’t get to. Was usually after work. I remember D wanted to stop me but didn’t cause she couldn’t tell me why..

I had to go to a company meeting after and pretend I wasn’t devastated. Be a positive fun leader when inside I was dying. I did a good job my team had no idea lol But damn that was tough. Never been happier for a 3 week break than after this one. We all needed it. Let us begin. And thank you all again for going through this heartbreak with me. Gif count was rough for me so I fit in everything I could and made a ton.

6x06 Secrets and Lies

We start out with Lucy looking as stressed and anxious as we’ve ever seen her. Laying in bed but most definitely is not resting. The brutal toll this situation has taken becoming visible. When Tamara asks how stressed she is from 1-10? Lucy answering 19….Ooof....Could not be more relatable if she tried. When I get this laser focused I too am a nineteen. Her person has been radio silent for days. Her last contact with him was a massive knock out drag out fight.

This is the most time they’ve spent apart since they got together. Like I stated last review other than 6x01 they've scarcely been away from one another. Her UC mission in 5x21 yes but doesn’t really count. They talked every single day. So it’s truly the longest they’ve been apart. No wonder she is at a 19. Poor Lucy. Kills me. Such a wreck without him. Tamara asks if Tim is still ghosting her? Lucy tries to defend their situation. Not well but she sure tries lol

Lucy is barely keeping it together and it shows. I love that we get a shot of her pin-up board from that BTS video. The cupcake poster hehe Hopefully that makes a triumphant return in s7. Tamara doesn’t want to add to her stress... But let's her know she wants to move out. With friends from school. Worst timing ever. It makes sense but the timing is horrendous. Lucy takes so many hits this season. It’s almost worse the second time around somehow.

This time Lucy goes to an actual adult about Tim. Not useless Nolan who was painfully inept for her. Couldn’t fit it in but we see her touch her tattoo when she approaches Angela. *heart clutch* I love Melissa for doing it every time though. So subtle yet impactful. Nice little mini gut punch to start the scene. This was the right call though. If anyone knows Tim like her it’s Angela. Lucy asking if she should alert Grey? Honestly she should've but here we are. That would've been a whole other set of problems though...

Lucy feels like she’s going insane so Angela validating her helps. (at first) You know she finds this behavior of his incredibly alarming. We can see the immediate worry painted across her face. That’s her brother. She loves that man like he’s one. What sucks is that, even though Angela is empathetic, she doesn’t fulfill the needs that Lucy is going for. Which is reassurance and 'Hey let’s do this together.' A united front. Hoping since he is acting off Angela's reply would be 'Let's find out why as a team.' She is protecting her but Lucy is in a heightened emotional state and doesn't see that. Only see's being shut out further from Tim.

Angela plays her cards very close to her chest. Like a good detective would. Sadly Lucy wanted more solace than just ‘Trust him.’ That’s all she’s been doing for days. Poor woman is going out of her damn mind with worry. Even tells Angela as such. The reply she gets back not what she wanted… She wanted her detective gut and friendship. Unfortunately she just gets the former. That short lived validation she got earlier dying off quickly. Lucy is so damn upset when she takes off from the convo. Knowing if she sticks around she’s going to cry on shift. My damn heart. Melissa be killing me. Holy hell.

Angela scaring the crap out of Tim is hilarious. Serves him right tbh. This episode had me so upset and twisted, I couldn’t even enjoy scruffy Tim in a leather jacket. You know something is wrong when I can’t gawk over this man. Angela has zero trouble finding him. Because well it’s her. This is why Lucy enlisted her. She needed the best to help her. Such best friend behavior from the minute she enters his car.

Drinking his soda, calling him out, and asking WTF is going on? I adore her brazen bravery. This is why we love Angela Lopez. Willing to get herself fired for him. That she can take the hit not Lucy. I mean she’s not wrong….Angela could easily live off Wes. She would hate it but she could. It's a more viable option. Says it can be ‘Wine o’clock for her.’ LOL I always enjoy them. More of them in s7 please writers.

Tim doesn’t argue with her reasoning. Starts to explain the whole Ray debacle. Why he can’t just let him go. What he has on him. That he needs to catch him in a new crime. So he has reason to actually arrest him. Once Tim fully explains Angela just replies. ‘I’m in.’ Tim is shocked because of course he is ha Even though she is his best friend he can't believe has his back like this. Oh my broken boy. He double checks and asks if she’s sure? Her reply being the absolute best. ‘Yeah. I got your back boo.’ Hehe Lucky she’s your best friend my love.

We rejoin our bestie duo at the docks. Scoping out Ray on whatever back door deals he’s doing. She is studying Tim hard in this scene. It’s the best. Angela tries to impart some logic to Tim. Saying he’s followed Ray for two days and nothing. Asking how long he’s going to do this? Tim replying the most Tim Bradford reply. ‘As long as it takes.’ Angela is on her game today and doesn’t let him get away with it. Saying he’s just going to walk away from his job? From his relationship with Lucy? All to arrest a guy he hasn’t thought about in over a decade?

Something isn’t adding up for her and she is letting him know it. Angela gives her patented look. Knowing it’s something more. There’s a reason she’s such a good detective. Woman knows how to get to the root of things. Tim has only given her surface info at this point. Definitely not enough to justify this crusade he’s currently on. Let’s him know Lucy would understand why he lied on the report. She would even commend him for it really. We know she would. She love his soft heart so much. Tim agrees and says she would still get in trouble for knowing and not reporting him to IA.

A risk she would gladly take if you’d let her Timothy… It’s here Angela digs a little deeper. He gets a second stare. Tim finding it aggravating and telling her as such. Angela let's her next truth bomb drop. Saying he’s doing it to protect himself as much as her. That there’s something he’s not admitting. Mic drop. Nailed it and Tim knows it but won’t entertain it further. Has him dead to rights and he knows it. We then get the glorious BFF line. Like it or not she is. lmao Has your number just like your girl.

We return to Angela’s for Tim to break our hearts some more. Theme of this episode. One punch after another. Literally no time to breathe unless you check out during the other SL's. Which I did tbh.... They’re alone so she probes Tim further. Knowing that it has to be so much more than a report. He wouldn't let Ray get under his skin like this if it was that shallow. That he's bearing the weight of something on his soul. Tim gives in and begrudgingly explains what happened. That he had been squad leader most of his tour. That he was looking to move up to Sergeant First Class. Only caveat was he couldn’t have any rampant criminality in his unit.

Ray was in the way of this. Tim decided to keep it within the squad if they caught him themselves. He did an unsanctioned mission… Oh Timothy….He explains how Ray called in an air strike on them. Did this the minute he knew he was trapped. Schmuck would rather take them with him. Such a cowards move. The way Tim describes the air strike. Ugh my heart. His eyes filling up as he depicts how the world imploded around them. Eric is a master of emotion here. So expressive. Looks like he is right back there, with the most haunted look on his face. He thought he was going to die. Being so vulnerable I wanna hug him.

He and Mark were lucky though. The Humvee took the hit for them. But Henderson and Coyle were ripped apart….Ugh and now we see what he’s been bearing. That he led his men to their deaths. Their loyalty and faith in him had cost them their lives. All because Tim was in pursuit of a promotion. For personal glory. Explains why he wouldn't praise himself or take awards pre-Lucy. Or advance his career before her either. He didn’t feel he deserved anything good. Because the last time that was important to him, he got two of his men killed. Imma go cry now.... My poor broken boy. The PTSD is so real.

Eric continues to rip my heart out. Telling Angela there was so much blood. I can't imagine seeing that. They for sure thought Ray was KIA. No way he survived. It’s the way he catches his breath, tears in his eyes in this next part. I'm so upset for him. The way he points at himself when he says leadership. The failure and shame he feels for what he did. When we found out it would be his military background I was excited. I knew it would be dark though. Whatever this was. But my god. I wasn’t expecting it to be this. But makes perfect sense why he’s kept it from Lucy. He can’t bring himself to forgive what he did. How could he expect Lucy to? To still look at him like he’s the same man she fell in love with?

The deep rooted shame is evident in this scene. This is quite the weight to keep on your soul. One I’m sure he’s never told anyone. Not even Isabel about I bet. My guess is he buried it once he was state side. Like most do with trauma. Hoping it would never resurface. Sadly not how trauma goes... The way he tells the story it’s for the first time. You can tell. He’s right back there re-living it all. This scene gives us so much insight to Tim as a person. Why he is the way he is as a cop. As a person. It explains why he lost his damn mind in 2x01 over Lucy falsifying the report. Probably brought him right back there.

This is a very revealing scene. It makes sense why he shoulders things alone. It’s punishment for what he did. Doesn’t think anyone could love him enough to shoulder it with him. That breaks my damn heart. This ep makes me so emotional. *sad sigh* Nothing scarier than the person you love seeing you at your worst. With his background of abuse, it makes sense why he’s hidden this from Lucy. He doesn’t feel worthy of the comfort she would bring him. Only shame that he made a mistake. Tim is very self loathing and this is why. Coupled with his childhood it makes so much sense why he is the way he is…This one is emotionally heavy af. All his unchecked trauma barreling through like a bullet train in this ep.

Lucy arrives home and Tamara is there to take care of her. Saying she ordered pizza. I love this. She needed this. Lucy leaves the room to drop off her stuff. We hear a knock at the door and it’s Ray.... Earlier he scanned Tim’s vehicle and got Lucy’s address. Which made me sick to my stomach. I knew him grabbing it was going to end this way. Best way to get to Tim is through his heart. When Tamara opened the door and it was him..The hairs at the back of my neck stood up. Tamara calls out for Lucy. She emerges and goes into protect mode right away. Eyes on Tamara first but also hating her gun is locked up.

Heart was in my damn throat the entire time. Lucy handles herself like the bad ass we’ve all come to know and love. Commend her for keeping herself composed when she was terrified. I also adore her not putting up with any of his scare tactic BS. Her line about the only call she’s gonna make is for the ambulance. Like hot damn Lucy. Way to protect Tamara and yourself. It's true she could take his scrawny ass easily. I long to be the confident BAMF she is.

Doesn't hurt she’s still got the rage burning from being in the dark. So not only is her life being threatened now Tamara's is. This is Lucy's FINAL straw. It’s now bled over in the worst way. Not only that but she still has no idea what’s going on. We can see that mama bear come out loud and proud. It’s one thing for her to be involved it’s a whole other thing with Tamara dragged in. This is what pushes her to reach out To Tim. To cut his crap. Whatever this is has now endangered an innocent life. One she loves fiercely and will die to protect.

Lucy RAGE calls Tim and unleashes hell. As she should… Demanding to know where his ass is. Tim knowing he can’t hold her back any longer. So he lets her know. I mean Lucy is million percent done with this crap now. With his behavior, him cutting her out, all of it. So very very done. Rightfully so. I do love him answering ‘Hey, what’s wrong?’ Knowing she wouldn’t be calling unless something was. He for sure would’ve dropped it all to go to her.

But she was way too pissed to see that fact. She shows up like a bat out of hell. Biting his head off immediately saying 'Does she look ok?' No….she does not. Forever love Angela escorting Tamara out of the room. Mom and dad about to have it out so let's go. The concern all over his face kills me though. This was the last thing he wanted to happen. The very thing he was striving for by shutting her out backfired horribly. Not only did he endanger her but Tamara too.

It was Lucy’s final straw and she is showing it. These were the types of fights that are needed though. As much as this hurts she is fighting him to save them. Because he is worth the bother and effort. Just like he stated in 5x08. Asking why her and Chris never fight?They’re fighting against each other to protect one another it kills me. Also you know your ship has chemistry when even their fights are lightning in a bottle goodness. Just as amazing as their happy stuff. I can't speak enough to their fantastic on-screen chemistry. Even though this fight is fiery and hurts to watch it's hurts so good to watch them hash it out.

Tim explains who Ray is and Lucy don’t give a single fuck. It’s not who he is that has her raging. It’s him cutting her out that is. I love the movements Melissa does in this scene. I know she had an interview about her being mad. Thinking she was awkward. It wasn't at all. Was so real. I think she nailed it. Her body language is on point. How she stamps her foot. Shouting how who Ray is doesn’t explain why he iced her out. At all. She is VIBRATING with anger. Yelling at Tim to stop protecting her. Which he won't. That is like asking him to stop breathing tbh. He would rather die than not protect her. Ugh his reply of ‘ I can’t. I won’t.’ They’re at odds with the deepest part of their souls. Of who they are.

Tim will never stop protecting her. Just as she will never stop trying to help him. Been in her DNA from the jump. For him to not let her is just as painful as Tim not protecting her. *sigh* This is where their intense need to protect each other backfires so badly. Sounds romantic and sometimes it is. But in these type of moments, it shows the cracks in their already fractured communication. It real though. Communicating is HARD. Especially when you both come from abusive homes where that wasn't taught. If you aren't taught healthy communication you're just not going to do it. Simple as that. It's like a muscle that never gets used. Then when it does it feels so unnatural and painful.

These two are going to be the death of me. Hell they already have been. They have so much to work on in s7. It’s insane. I'm excited for it though. Lucy then brings up how Lopez was read in but not her. She is HIS PERSON. If anyone should be read in it’s her. Consequences be damned. Yeah Angela does have less to lose but that is NOT the point. Tim is clearly not getting that fact. I adore Lucy grabbing his hands during the end of the scene. Mirroring back she 'Can’t and won’t' not help him. Telling him she is over being to good girlfriend. He’s going to let her in NOW. Oooh lord. You Tell 'em Luce.

Their OP to foil Ray goes off without a hitch. Tim tells him it’s over. That there isn’t an air stroke to save him this time. Ray tells Tim ‘I am the air strike. I’m about to blow up your whole life.’ *grumble* It’s so true on many many levels. Watching Tim be so stoic in his IA investigation kills me. Wish could've fit this in. Eric be out here again making me emotional af two eps in a row. You can see the tears in his eyes but the rest of him is controlled. That military background of his coming in clutch.

it pains me to watch him lie and have it destroy him. I remember I saw people saying how could he lie? That’s not like him. Um no. This is very like Tim. Not to lie but to protect those he loves. If lying protects Lucy and Lopez that’s what he’s going to do. He has a history of being a little gray for those he loves. Isabel is a good example of that. All that went down with Detective Murphy was similar to this. ‘Some things matter more.’ Once again rings true with him. Tim is believed over Ray. Because even if Tim doesn’t want to believe this he is the better man.

Better reputation and Percy closes the investigation. Have missed him. But whoever he’s around it’s not good. Love the actor though. What happens after is rough to say the least. Never seen Grey as disappointed in Tim as he is here. Reprimanding him and having to report him to Pine SUCKS. R.I.P. Metro Tim. I loved you so…It’s killing Tim to have Grey look at him this way. Deeply respects him and to be scolded by him cuts him. Just dismisses Tim without further comment or fight….

God almighty the song playing in the background. I don’t even remember it. I only watched this scene once. I think I blacked out a lot in this moment. The immense shock rocked my system. Suffice to say it’s beautiful. The piano, the haunting oohs and lyrics are the perfect backdrop to this devastating scene. I felt this building anxiety watching this scene. Waiting for the hammer to drop. When she pulled him into her arms *phew* It was first breath I had taken in nearly two episodes. These eps had me on the razor's edge of sanity. I love her waiting outside for him and instantly pulling him into her arms. Just like Tim did for her in 5x22. I'm fine.....Imma cry as I write this. Horse heaven playing in my ears right now. Adding to my emotional state. These two getting me all weepy.

I’ll be honest I thought if a break up was coming, it was coming from Lucy the first time. Which is why this devastated me like it did. Having the full season in hand now. Makes total sense it’s Tim. At the time I thought would be her. But that wouldn’t be like Lucy at all. After everything he put her through. The secrets, the lies and shutting her out. She had every damn right. But she loves this man unconditionally. So unconditionally. Everything Lucy does in this scene is a reflection of that unconditional love. There to pick up his broken pieces despite all of that went down. Look at her in those gifs above.

Especially that second one. First time she took a breath too. So grateful to be here for him in this moment. I truly thought ‘Oh. Maybe we’re ok... She’s hugging him.’ Encasing him in her arms. Trying to absorb all of his hurt. Supporting him the way he sought out days previous. Gently cradling him against her. It's the tender way she nestled her fingers at the back of his head that gets me. Tapping into some ship crack for me there. *phew* Honestly thought with her being there for him they would make it out unscathed. I truly did. The chemistry from this hug is unreal btw. Tim doesn’t feel worthy in the least. The way he slumps against her. Doesn’t really hug her back like normal. Can't see Lucy is so willing to absorb his hurt and pain. To love him through this. This hug is beautifully tragic.

Lucy releases him and he looks as broken as I’ve ever seen him. 4x09 x 1000 tbh. He shirks away from her. Hands in his pocket. So disgusted and ashamed with himself. Something l've learned in Pilates is posture and the importance of it. When you stand tall and at full height. You are confident and sure of yourself. When you are slumped it presents a lack of confidence, shame, and feeling unworthy. His posture is screaming that. Like he feels he shouldn’t even be in her presence right now. He crushes me with how he says he lied about everything.

Then sarcastically almost sardonically follows it up with ‘But hey it saved my job….’ The amount of disdain in his voice is gut wrenching. The whole reason he was in this Ray mess was to further himself. To keep his career intact. He saw a promotion and went for it at all costs. What he just did lying to IA was to be that same man again. (In his mind) To put his career first over what’s right. Risked people's lives again as well. People he loves. Sickens him ten years later he’s doing the same thing all over again. Even though it's so different this time. There is still nobility in it with saving Lucy and Lopez. But this man can't see that right now. Doesn't see any good in this situation or himself.

Lucy does her best to sympathize. Telling him it was an impossible situation. If it had been her she would’ve done the same thing. Thing is if it had been for Tim yes she would’ve without question. But he can’t see the forest for the trees atm. He is drowning absolutely drowning in his self-loathing. Tim continues on with the painful self flogging. Telling her she would’ve never been in his position. Putting her on a pedestal while he makes himself very very small. That OTP line from 6x03 from him 'You could never disappoint me.' That is true. The problem is he doesn't realize he could never disappoint her either. Tragically Tim doesn't view it that way. Only sees he's not worthy.

Lucy once again tries to pick up his pieces. Telling him he thought he could handle it. He was wrong but made it right. It’s like she can sense him pulling away in this moment. Doing her best to calm his fears about himself. Trying to do what she’s always done in years past best. Build him up. Soothe him. Sadly she isn’t gaining an inch of ground with him. He is stuck in how he feels and there is no budging him. Tim is morose saying he wishes it was that easy….We can see the incredible amount hurt on his face. Telling her he just lied to two men he deeply respects. He is coming undone rapidly and Lucy can see it. I adore her putting her hands on him. Trying to right his ship.

Ground him to her in this moment. Because once again it's something she’s done so well in the past. Tim is spiraling so hard he can’t see her gesture for what it is. Tells her he just betrayed everything he thought was right about himself. *heart clutch* Lucy can’t stand him talking down about himself. Tries to interrupt but Tim won’t allow it. Lucy graciously nods and lets him get it out. Especially when he tells her how hard this is for him. She is so wonderfully understanding it makes my heart ache. Tim feels like he is a bad guy. Thought he had gotten past this and was sucked back in so easily. Truly believed he had become a better person since then. (He has) Ray was right he was gonna blow up his entire life.

He just exposed Tim for the fraud he already felt he was. Bringing his greatest sin to light. Bringing up feelings of not being deserving. Of inadequacy. His abuse background pulling into the station and not leaving. Tim is back to a place of massive self loathing. Saying he has been lying to himself for years. Thinking he’s gotten better when he hasn’t. To him he reverted back to the man he thought he left behind. Not only that he put his person. The woman he loves at risk to cover up his past. To cover up his shame. It’s hitting him like a freight train of terrible realization. Continuing on to say he can’t go back to the way it was. I was hopeful when he said ‘Right now.’ Then followed it up with maybe never….

Lucy had been nodding along. Being so wonderfully empathetic and understanding. She was with him till he said that. Then she is hit with her own terrible realization. He’s leaving her. She is losing him. In the same parking lot where he told her to take a risk. Where she expressed her concern over losing him if they did. Worried about losing the most important relationship in her life due that risk. The same spot where he told her 'Unless it is.' A giant stab to our collective shipper hearts.

It's why Lucy is in a state of utter shock. As we all were tbh. She shakily asks him if he’s breaking up with her? When he said I’m sorry. I remember having to pause. Freak out and cry. I recall chanting ‘No no no….’ To myself repeatedly. My dog was very alarmed. Because I was distraught af. I couldn't believe this was really happening. My happy place was being decimated before my eyes.

Look at the range of emotions on Tim's face before he delivers that line though. Eric you why you doing this to me? They blow this scene out the damn water. it's so visceral. and raw. He looks like he's about to have a breakdown before he delivers that line. Battling with himself about it. There's a desperate need to want to stay with her. But his self doubt and hatred wins out knowing he isn't deserving. Do I think he came out thinking he was going to do this? A little. I think the more he spoke about it and himself the decision was made. He wasn't going to be be talked off this ledge.

The way Lucy replies after this rips my heart out. This break up feels like death by a thousand paper cuts. Months later and this hurts just as much as the first time. Lucy doesn't hold back in the least. Telling Tim he doesn't get to do that. Her line about using it as an excuse is so spot on. This Ray situation has hit VERY close to home for Tim. An insanely sensitive subject for him. It's rubbed against a wound that never really healed properly. Just was buried in the back of his mind.

He doesn’t have the capacity or emotional maturity to handle it. So he ejects out as a coping mechanism. Lucy calls his ass right away for it. It’s so painful to her that he is doing this excuse. Because it feels like a crappy cheat to them. To her. It's truly a cop out and our girl deserves better than this. Especially after all they’ve been through together. All that rapport and trust they’ve built over the years. It’s an insult to who they are as a couple and the relationship they’ve developed. Sadly that all vanishes in this moment. It’s stunning Lucy and straight murdering my feels.

Her ‘That's not okay.’ is a dagger to my shipper heart. The way she continues to repeat herself cause she's in shock. Ugh.This goes down as one of the most painful breakups I've had to go through. Lucy is so upset he is going this route. Melissa had a great interview (quite a few actually.) About the lie line and using it as an excuse for Tim. She noted Lucy is upset cause how he’s acting isn’t them. That they get to have these conversations. Not only have them but recover and grow from them. It’s what she expecting from him in this moment. It's what she expected from his 5x08 Mantra going into this relationship.

She is telling him I’ve got your back. I’ve got you. What are you doing? What happened to ‘Unless it is?’ Lucy continues to vehemently disagree with him. As she should. The worst part is Tim says ‘I know.’ Like he knows what he’s doing is wrong. Knows to eject after everything isn’t ok. Yet he can’t stop himself. He is not emotionally mature enough to handle this conversation properly. Also too blinded by his own self-hatred to see the unconditional love she is showing for him in this moment. God this is painful.

Tim then comes in with the breakup line of ‘You’re an incredible person.' Lucy can’t believe this shit . She really can’t. That Tim is is doing this to her. To them. Even though Tim is being genuine with his statement. You can hear it in his voice. Doesn't do anything to soothe the wounds he's causing. Once again Melissa crushing it with the upset body language. The mannerisms are so on point. Maybe it's because I'm Italian and I use my hands when I'm upset. I do exactly what she's doing. Why I appreciate it so much. It's so real.

It's a cop out what he is doing. 'It’s not you it’s me' schtick. We see the anger building in Lucy. She can't even look at him in the second gif. For him to toss away what they have is painful enough. To do it based off a cliched excuse is destroying Lucy. Thinking what they had was worth so much more than this. Thought they worth the nasty fights. No way she knows fully what happened or she would figure out why he's really doing this. That’s what makes the rest of Lucy's replies so god damn tragic. She is trying to hold onto him for dear life. But is only being pushed away in return...

Tim continues to push forward with this breakup. Letting her know she deserves better than him. It's SO much deeper than that but it's the only way he can convey it right now. Her ‘Oh my god…’ This is her worst nightmare. Her biggest fear come to life. This is why she hesitated starting this relationship. Why she was so afraid of risking her most important relationship. It's unfolding before her eyes and she can’t stop it.

Like a bad dream she can't seem to wake up from. We all wish we could...Tim has never felt worthy of Lucy’s love, light or praise. This reaction just proves that. It's been building for a long time and this is the final result of it. It’s not logical but a trauma brain rarely is. The amount of emotional and physical abuses he endured growing up left it's mark. Has him truly convinced Lucy could never love him knowing what he did. Tim feels he does not deserve her comfort, support or love.

Punishing himself and denying what he need most because he feels unworthy. Thinks he has made a mistake so grave there is no coming back for him. No way she could love him if she knew. So he like Angela stated earlier Tim is protecting himself. Pains me to watch. Now as I've said before it's not to excuse but to explain his side of it. I understand why he's doing it even if it's fucked up.

He doesn't give Lucy much more than she deserves better. Tells her it's why he's walking away. This man feels so undeserving of the love she has to give. In his mind he thinks he’s doing her a kindness. To separate herself from such a shameful and broken man. That she could do better than him. To Tim he made the biggest sin and can’t live with himself about it. He can't envision a world where Lucy would love him through it. The tragedy is she already was in this scene.

Lucy isn’t hearing any of it. Full on panic spiral that I shared in this moment. Her ‘Don’t do this. Why are you doing this?’ Is the most soul crushing part. She can feel him slipping through her hands. Like sand rushing through her fingertips. She can’t hold onto a grain of him. Can only stand there as he gives up on them. His face in the third gif...Knife to my soul. *screams into a pillow* It's killing him to walk away from her. Eric and his expressive eyes has me bawling. The quiver in his bottom lip as well. Gah it hurts to watch them both in so much pain. It’s the way she pulls away with one hand, but is clutching his other hand for dear life, that really gets me in that last gif.

Asking him once again why are you doing this? I shared that sentiment in this moment.. Tim stands firm in his decision to end them and rip all of our hearts out. Eric had a great quote about how Tim handed this whole thing. ‘He is impulsive and he reacts instead of thinking things through. And it can come out as a bit too strong.’ He feels he is a burden Lucy therefore he is removing himself. Not thinking about the damage it’s going to do to her. The immense regret he’s going to feel when he regulates a bit more.

Something therapy has taught me is we are ruled by our nervous system. Anxiety, stress, fear etc Tim’s was haywire in this moment. All of them going off at once. Not thinking clearly. Acting out of fight or flight. He took the flight option unfortunately. The tragic way he grabs her head and gives her the saddest head kiss. Shattering all of our hearts in the process. It’s the devastated look on his face when he strokes her hair and takes off. One final gut punch from him. It's like he’s leaving behind his greatest treasure and can’t bear to be around it any longer. Lucy is clutching to him until he departs. *snifffle*

The man actually thinks she is better off without him. Truly believes that. Even if Lucy had succeeded it keeping Tim, this would've reared it’s ugly head again down the road. This breakup ruined my friggin life. I kid you not. They were my happy place. My consistent happy place. And now that was gone. It affected my mental health a little too not gonna lie. I think I was in mourning for three weeks. Honestly I still am. Low key will be till they're fixed. Those three weeks were unbearable. But also needed. Thank you again to my bestie D for being my mourning partner through out that. Kept me sane.

That being said I think this will push them in the best direction. A healthier and stronger one. I truly believe that. I recently broke up with a friend who I had been friends with for ten years. It was very hard on me but time. Boundaries were being pushed and it wasn't healthy anymore. My therapist pointed me to a wonderful book called ‘Goodbyes and good boundaries. ’ While It helped heal my heart it also has really good pieces in it. Stuff made me think of this very ep tbh. Sure that wasn't her goal LOL But my brain is always in a Chenford state of mind in some way or another.

First one that made me think of them. ‘Health cannot bond to unhealth.’ As much as it wasn’t fair for Lucy. And god it wasn’t after everything else this season. Tim was in such a radioactive state staying with her wouldn’t have worked anyway. He was radiating turmoil. Lucy can do a lot for him but not this. He NEEDED therapy so much. There are things you learn in there that only your therapist can help you with. He was unhealth and Lucy was trying to keep her empathetic healthy self to him. It was never going to work. Not unless Tim put in some work. Which he couldn't at this point in time.

“Relationship often die not because of conversations never had but rather conversations needed but never had.” Another good one made me think of them. Tim was not ready in the least for the adult conversation required of him in this moment. Or their entire relationship really. They both danced around the issues a lot. 6x02 closest we got. Even then it was one sided. Thus them dying in this moment. Despite Lucy’s damndest to keep them afloat. Remind him of what they’re fighting for. Of why they started this. This breakup was painful af. Despite how this wrecked my world it’s going to be good for them in the long run.

I will say Lucy in that last gif was all of us in that moment. It was a soul crushing moment that decimated this fandom. Still blows my mind Melissa and Eric were surprised just how insanely devastated we were. Why they did those lovely posts during the three weeks. To thank us and to hold on. Growth is coming. They’re going to be even better after this. Doesn’t mean this didn’t hurt like a SOB and won’t long after they reunite. Curse you Eric and Melissa. You are incredible to evoke such emotions out of us all.

Thank you for going through this with me again. It wasn’t easy but they always worth it. Appreciate any and all comments, likes or reblogs I get. I shall see you all in 6x07 :)

Side notes non chenford

Balian doing the creepy bed thing again. Just have to note that.

Also can’t believe they didn’t end the ep with their breakup. There is a whole minute or so of I don’t give a shit after that scene. I was so distraught they could’ve had Nolan walk into a wall and I wouldn't have noticed.

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buffyfan145 · 2 months ago

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I got the first 2 episodes in of "Rings of Power" s2 and they were amazing!!! 😀 Worth waking up at 5 am to watch. LOL I still got ep 3 to watch and will this afternoon, but need to get my thoughts out here behind a cut, but so happy with s2 so far. Not tagging all the characters, as it seems to think too many is spam, so hopefully this goes in the tags and I talk about most.

First off, I loved seeing Sauron's backstory in ep 1!!! 😀 I mentioned before in my other posts that I'm a fan of Jack Lowden's and it was great getting to see him after the version Adar knew. I only expect Jack back in flashbacks if he's able, even more so seeing a new interview with Charlie this morning assuring fans that he won't be recast. The whole prologue explained so much about what happened with Adar, and then Sauron reforming eventually into Halbrand. Also confirmed he really was going to Númenor on his own, and his meeting with Galadriel really was by chance so those theories he planned it all along were wrong.

Charlie's doing amazing too both as Halbrand and now as Annatar. I loved all the shoutouts too to "The Silmarillion" and other 1st Age stories about him, including him being The Lord of the Werewolves and able to talk with that wolf. Then the Bible references as we knew about the Annatar transformation scene looking like Jesus and angel paintings, but also the "Let My People Go!" scene fit with Moses and especially the "Prince of Egypt" movie, which I love too. But also realized at times they way they're doing (and Tolkien wrote) Sauron rising from nothing to being aids to kings is so similar to the Bible story of Joseph, and the musical "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" (which my high school did an amazing version of that music my junior year of high school LOL). So I loved all of this and everything we saw with Celebrimbor in ep 2.

Then with Galadriel!!! 😀 OMG, first I have to mention about those Haladriel scenes!!! We knew the rings were going to connect them, as well as their mental bond in general, but now she's seeing visions and knows Sauron is in Eregion and saw him there. Plus, hearing him call her name in that vision, and confirming that she can read his mind, and him hers (as he knew the rings worked). Then the big one where Galadriel confessed to Elrond about how she feels about Halbrand/Sauron (and still used his Halbrand name) and it clearly was showing us that she fell in love with him by using that flashback to the "I felt it too" scene, and that's why everything that happened and being deceived hurt her so much. And Elrond knows now, which is why he and Gil Galad are being like that to her now as they don't trust her around Sauron anymore and think she'll turn. Loving that we're getting scenes about Haladriel even if they both are actually in the same place.

Then I loved the scene with the rings and showing they are good and worked to help restore the elves. Absolutely love Círdan too and being a mentor to Elrond. Him talking about more 1st Age characters and their flaws was great too. LOL

The storyline with The Stranger, Nori, and Poppy is great too. He's got to be Gandalf. I thought this the whole time but every scene I see of him just confirms it to me.

Pretty sure Ciarán Hinds' character is one of the Blue Wizards. The show did supposedly get the rights to use the Blue Wizards stories that Tolkien wrote in "Unfinished Tales" and one of the 2 Blues went evil in the 2nd Age in Rhûn, similar to how Saruman did in the 3rd Age. So I'm pretty sure that's what we're seeing him and that he found a cult with the Mystics.

Then loved seeing more with Durin, Disa, and the dwarves. It's setting up Sauron/Annatar giving them the 7 rings, and the making of the Doors of Durin too. Also very cool seeing Narvi too and the female dwarves having facial hair similar to more male elves having long hair (this didn't bother me like it did other fans but cool to see them add it). Though also really sad about the singing not working.

So now getting ready to watch ep 3 this afternoon and I saw from the description that it involves other characters we haven't seen yet from s1, and then I'll be caught up till ep 4 next week.

#the lord of the rings #the rings of power #spoilers #haladriel #halbrand #sauron #galadriel #galadriel x halbrand #annatar #celebrimbor #elrond #cirdan #the stranger #gandalf

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stariekis · 8 months ago

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ep 5 : the meeting (1) — note ¹ : hi loves ~ i had to separate this episode in two parts otherwise the episode would end up being too long ) : a bit of a cliffhanger but tomorrow hopefully you'll have the second part of it ! <3 that's everything hope you enjoy, reposts and feedback is welcomed here as i always say 🤲🏻 wc : 1.9k

— 'He is mad fine' Minju said looking through the window of Yunah's bedroom that was facing the backyard of their house, where the boys where.

All the girls were already at Yunah's, Y/n was the only one missing. When Yunah told them about the Jungwon issue they decide to met a bit earlier to talk about everything.

— 'Respect your best friend a bit will you' Moka answered, joking obviously. She was sitting on the floor in between Minji's legs who was sitting on the bed.

— 'Both of you, that's enough, you guys are creepy' Yunah said to the two girls, Hanni and Minju, that were still looking through the window. Both of them turned around and sat on the floor sliding their backs slowly through the window.

— 'How is Y/n going to react? i'm kind of scared actually' Moka asked looking at their friend's faces. All of them were pretty intrigued about you finding out that your crush was actually one of Jay's best friends.

— 'Think positive babe' Minju spoke 'we have now more possiblity of getting them together if you are actually planning on going that, hopefully they will see each other more often' All of them nodded their head at Minju's words.

At that moment the bell of the front door rung.

You were standing in the front door, looking at your feets waiting for your best friend to open up.

Soon after you heard the door cracking meaning that they finally opened it for you.

— 'Thank god you finally op-' your words got caught on your throat when you looked up, just now realizing who was the one who opened the door for you.

Him, your crush.

Your mouth felt open and your cheeks where tinted with a red hue. — 'W-What are you doing here' you asked him — 'I have the exact same question for you' he answered. Both of you were standing face to face, unable to move.

He was so confused but a small part of him was glad to see you again, that warm feeling appearing on his stomach once again while checking you from head to toes.

On the other hand you were a nervous wreck. The universe must hate you because since the first time you saw him he appears everywhere, no matter where you were he is always there.

— 'This is my best friend house, s-she lives here with his older brother' you shuttered. — 'Yunah must be your best friend then, in my case i'm friends with Jay, he invited us over' he giggled.

— 'Y/n?' someone called you from inside the house. Jungwon looked back and step away the door so you can enter. You came inside the house and stood next to him trying to find the owner of the voice that called you a second ago.

— 'You are finally here'. Looking at the stairs you found your group of best friends standing there.

Moka came running down the stairs and stood right in front of you. — 'We were waiting for you' She took your hand in hers and pulled you with her towards the stairs — 'Bye Jungwon' she waved at him and start going up to Yunah's room while you followed her, the rest of your group were right ahead.

Jungwon ... That's his name ... Such a pretty name for a pretty boy like him. You smiled.

Jungwon watched as all of you went up the stairs. He couldn't take his eyes of you, a smile plastered on his face.

When he first opened the door he swears to god that his heart stopped beating for two seconds, you looked completely breathtaking.

He couldn't take out of his mind the image of you looking back at him with a smile on your face while going up the stairs. He started feeling his face getting hotter and he confirmed that when he looked at himself in the mirror.

His cheeks where tinted in a slightly red color. He was blushing and all because of you.

What was actually happening to him ?

previous — masterlist. — next

tag list (open.) : @wanderers-archive @ikeuizm @wonryllis @iheartjayke @lilacnini @isabellah29 @wwonwonism @bywons @jaeyunluvr @nishislcve @jiamini @ramenoil @copyhanni @ilovejungwonandhaechan @qaifiya @grah127 @dokidokior @sophi-eee

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thatgayb1tchwhosimps4her · 17 days ago

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Seekest Thou The Road ~ Ep 1

(Part of this AU)

Not really sure how I was supposed to write this, but hopefully it makes sense :)

~~~

While Agatha's under Wanda's spell:

From Thalia's POV, Agatha's just running around doing her own thing, actively being a menace to society, and Thalia's just trying to keep a lid on it, while simultaneously essentially being her carer.

But, in Agatha's cop-fantasy, Thalia just pops up here and there, as multiple background characters (sat in a car near the crime scene, in the line at the library, etc).

My girl's just spending her weekend, wandering around following her crazy mom, who thinks she's a detective; keeping an eye on her, since that's basically what she's been doing the last 3 years.

Back in Agatha's version of it, when she goes up to Nicky's room, she sees that the door's ajar, then opens it, and spots Thalia asleep in his bed (more about that later on).

But in actuality (after Rio knocks on the door, and that whole thing happens/Agatha's chasing Teen on the roof), Thalia's just writing, at the desk in her room.

In the audience's POV, there's a shot of Thalia's back, with headphone's on "Shut Up And Drive" by Rihanna (0:28-0:36) playing in the background (like it's actually from her POV/what she's hearing), while doing writing (implied it's for a book), a cup of hot chocolate to her left, and a picture of her and Atlas to her right, then there's muffled sounds, and Agatha runs past her bedroom window.

The POV then shifts to outside the window, and Thalia's like "What the fuck??!", slides the headphones off her ears, and rests them around her neck, (the song's still playing, but like if you have the volume up too loud, and other people can kind of hear it/0:36-0:42), then she leans forward to get a better look, and knocks the cup over, and spills the drink over the page (that lowkey hurt to think about).

For comedic effect, the song carries on in the actual scene, while Agatha continues to chase Teen, (0:42-1:03) until he's hit by the car, and it's like a record scratch sound, over the top of tyres skidding (in the scene + the song).

We then don't see her 'til Agatha's like back to normal again, but it's implied that Thalia went out of the house to go look for Agatha, for a couple hours (while she's chasing Teen + then interrogating him in the living room), but she comes back, and finds her asleep on the couch in the living room.

---

After the whole "multiple outfit change" thing:

Thalia leaves Agatha alone for one second, after she wakes up, and goes to make pancakes for both of them, and she's just blatantly gone out of the house; naked.

Thalia's obviously mortified, swiftly pulling the blanket off the back of the couch, before rushing out after her, and wrapping it around her shoulders, briefly catching like the last half of what she's rambling on about to Herb, but not really listening.

Gets Agatha back inside, which is when Thalia actually realises that she's of sound-and-mind again, she goes back into the kitchen to turn the stove off, and dishes up breakfast, Agatha following behind her after a brief cuddle with Señor Scratchy, now wearing her robe.

They then both sit down, and talk for a little bit, while eating chocolate-chip pancakes, about what Agatha remembers, until they're interrupted by banging on the closet door.

Thalia's got her scolding face on (identical to Agatha's), all like "What the hell did you do now?". A brief look of recognition crossing her face (kind of like the spidey-sense thing in ITSV/ATSV), after she opens the door.

Can't dwell on it too long, though, cause mamí's home.

Thalia instinctually steps in front of Teen/Billy, while they're both fighting, and helplessly like shouts at Rio, trying to distract her from killing Agatha, since she's literally just come to.

~~~

But yeah, that's basically it. This was kind of fun honestly, so I'm gonna go do the next one(s) 🙂

-Harlow

#Harlow (AgathaRio's version)#original content #mine not yours #harlow speaks 🦒#mcu #marvel cinematic universe #marvel #agatha all along #agatha harkness #rio vidal #🔮thalia vidal🦁#nicholas harkness #nicholas scratch #🕸️atlas parker🧡

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blueberri-chee · 1 year ago

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Old Acquaintance?

He met someone from his past...

summery: Satoru sees Suguru after a long time

warnings: angst, mentions of cult and child sacrifice, some more angst.

A/N: i was hoping to write something wholesome but i just can't write fluff after watching the new JJK eps. Next one will hopefully be fluffy, happy things... Hopefully..

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

“Gojo-sama. please rein in your sister” The high elders' annoyed voice rang throughout the closed rooms. I clenched my fist and looked up at Satoru who was looking at them pensively.

“Don’t interrupt her when she is talking.” I’ve never heard him talking so quietly.

“She is a woman. You can’t let her spew these kinds of disrespectful words.”

“She’s the head of the Gojo clan. I think you are the one who is disrespecting her.” That shut them up.

I gave Satoru a subtle nod and looked at the elders, “So, as I was talking. No decisions will be taken against Yuta Okkotsu until and unless I look into the situation myself. If I find any moves being made against him. I will not tolerate them.” I couldn’t help but let a little annoyance seep into my voice. Satoru should’ve handled this situation himself and there was no need for me to interfere but given the circumstances with Suguru he wanted to take no risks. As if they could deny The Satoru Gojo but I wouldn't deny my brother when he asks for help.

After arguing with the high elders for a while, Yuta’s execution was finally suspended. I grumbled about their annoying ethics as I slammed the door shut, just because they are old doesn’t make them better. Old geezers with prejudices. Satoru said nothing while he followed me.

“Hey.. listen.” He said hesitantly.

‘Woah.. where did that tone come from?’ I think to myself and turn around, “yes?”

“Um.. thank you.” I blinked at him.

“For what?”

“For Yuta.”

“You are already that attached to the boy?”

“He is very strong.. With the curse on his back. He is just a scared little boy and I couldn't just let them kill him for something he didn’t even do.”

I looked at him with a smile, “You did good by saving him.”

I sigh and pat his back, “Well now that this has been solved, why don’t you go talk with Yuta? I’ve got some work to do. I’ll meet you in the evening?” I walk towards the exit with my back towards the door.

“Ya, sure. I’ll meet you here.” He nodded. I smiled and gave him a wave walking out of the building.

I sat on the desk of the classroom I was teaching in. The first years are very promising this year and that was great. It’s going to be a tough time but I can't pinpoint why but I know this new generation of sorcerers are going to get it bad. I played with the paper weight for a while before the door of the classroom opened. I felt his cursed energy before I saw him.

“How did the mission go?” Satoru asked as he sat on one of the benches in front of me. I sighed and tossed the paper weight at him. He caught it with ease and raised an eyebrow at me, “What? Did something happen?”

“It was in Shinjuku.. Some cursed user was on the loose. Apparently he was a part of a cult and had sacrificed a little boy.” I clenched my fist and Satoru sucked in a deep breath. Hits very close to home. I looked at his face to gauge any reaction but I couldn't tell much because of the blindfold. His face was eerily emotionless and honestly it was a little scary.

“The boy was a shaman.” He looked at me with surprise. Even though I couldn't see his eyes, I could tell there was relief in them.

“I saw Him.”

Silence….

He said nothing as he peered out of the window. He fidgeted with the paper weight and tipped his chair back, “How was he?” the only question he asked. Nothing more. Nothing less.

“Good.” The same reply I gave.

He nodded and tossed the paper weight back at me, “I saw him too.”

My head snapped at him, “what?”

“I saw Suguru.” His tone sounded rather calm for someone who was telling me that he saw his ex now turned cult leader and a wanted criminal.

I just stared at him with shock plastered on my face. “When?”

“Today.”

I blinked once. Twice. Thrice. I opened my mouth to say something but no words came out, “i- wow.”

Satoru tilted his head to one side and undid his blindfold. His bright blue eyes quite literally shined in the golden rays of the sun, “he told me that you saw him.”

“Hmm?” For the first time in my whole life I've felt this speechless.

“He said that you looked well…” Satoru paused for what felt like an eternity, “He also said that you should stop checking up on him so much.” Satoru’s eyes bore into mine with an intensity of a thousand suns, “you checked up on him.” he said more than asked. I looked at my hands and nodded.

“Why?” I did not like how cold and betrayed his voice sounded.

“I was just making sure he is fine.”

“Why? It’s not like he is something to you-”

I looked up at him with a slight glare because he was really making it sound like I have some secret vendetta.

“Stop it, Satoru. What are you even talking about? Suguru is as much of a friend to me as he was your love. I chose to still look after him even though it hurts and you didn’t. You didn’t do anything because you were-, are still scared that he hates you. Did you even try to reach out after that day?” I know I am being harsh but he had this coming. “Don’t give me that tone when you didn’t do anything. It is not my fault that you didn’t talk with him. I had told you to find him and talk with him but you didn’t." I got off the desk and sat on the chair beside Satoru, “I know you were hurting. But so was he. Both of you were supposed to be there for each other, not just let the other suffer alone.”

Satoru didn’t say a single word and looked out of the window. I reach out and hold his hand, “c’mon, don’t be like this. We are supposed to work things out together, right?” I patted the back of his hand and he sniffled.

“I said sorry. I- I apologised for not being there for him when he needed me the most.” That again surprised me.. Lord what is even today.. I don’t say anything and urge him to continue.

“He looked so healthy and okay.. He didn’t even look that fine when he was here at jujutsu high. Was being on the good side such a burden for him when he was preaching about helping the non-shamans and the weak people? I just don’t understand what went wrong!”

Satoru looked like a child who just got told that his favourite superhero just died. It broke my heart to see him like this… utterly broken over someone he couldn’t save. I just wrapped my arms around him and pulled him in a hug, “I don’t know what went wrong.” I whisper honestly because it was the truth. Satoru knew Suguru more than I could even imagine. Him asking me what went wrong told me that he thought that had failed his love. This whole situation was a mess as I cradled his head like a little kid. I want to assure him that everything will be alright but I would be lying if i say that.

“Satoru.. Sometimes we have to let people go or accept them the way they are. There is no in between..” I pause and I look at the setting sun, “Love is the most twisted curse after all.”

I really need to work on these endings...

#angst #gojo satoru #jjk #x reader but platonically #jujutsu kaisen #geto suguru #geto x gojo #stsg angst #i love him so much #i want him to be my brother so bad #jjk gojo

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rocketturtle4 · 1 year ago

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Not Me eps 8 and 9: I. AM. SCREAMING.

@plantsarepeopletoo @anon451 @shouldiusemyname @thegalwhorants @wen-kexing-apologist @slayerkitty @fanfictionroxs @pandasmagorica

Part 1, Part 2

IT WAS TODD, I KNEW IT!!

and Sean and White got together and Yok and Dan got together and we have two sad ex-girlfriends(ish) and Gram looking on in longing and BLACK WOKE UP and they're all being followed cause Todd knows way more about them now and and and

[Image of Ashi lying on the couch zoned out with the caption: Roc.exe has crashed, please try again later]

(Also yes another update already, it's crazy! Though we're trying to book out a time to watch the last 3 together so that may take a while...or may be this weekend *crosses fingers hopefully* though that may shift watching Only Friends and other Sunday shows to like...Monday or later ahhhh)

Also I did not do a between 8 and 9 update but I totally guessed Dan was the officer who shot Seans dad.

GMMTV does such good foreshadowing and pay off I feel so satisfied and excited by every reveal.

Alright now lets walk through in briefish how amazing these two eps were...

[3 images of Sean and White, one with Sean saying: I'm lucky I met you]

Oh. My. God.

OffGun

SeanWhite

I Love Them.

Every moment of emotional connection, this scene in the bedroom, Sean tracing his body with his fingers the next morning (WHY DID HE TIE HIM UP??)

The rooftop

The trust falls

The KISSES

[Sean saying: I've never known you better than this before]

THIS Moment in the tent?

and then there casual intimacy the next day???

Ugh I am dying and I love it here

(I'm so scared for him to find out, I mean White totally hinted at it but it's going to be a MESS)

And Yok/Dan??

[Images of Yok/Dan from episodes 8 and 9 of not me covering their time in Dan's house being painted, to Yok visiting Dan at work and Dan showing him his first ever artwork and finally to Dan visiting Yok's mother's house and Dan commiting to supporting Yok as best he can]

OH MY GOD I LOVE THEM EVEN MORE

also Wow Gawin!?! I'm glad he got that lead eventually he is phenominal in this. Everyone bringing their absolute A game!

Also Plot! There was plot, Lots of Plot!

We have two heartbroken girls that I really hope we spend more time on cause they have been amazing characters so far. Namo took finding out about Sean and White so well and then she was so sad ugh.

and then Eugene also struggling with her dance routine because she's confused/heartbroken about Black

I'm so curious how that Black/Eugene/Gram triangle may play out now that Black's awake, I mean he still broke up with Eugene because he wanted her safe, and now he's nearly died I doubt that will change...

I have more thoughts on Black but lets back track to Plot again for a minute

Sean and Tawi face off in the bathroom happened

[Tawi telling Sean: Your dad sold drugs and I had nothing to do with him]

Oh and Todd was trying to get back on track with figuring out what the gang is up too in episode 8

[Todd sitting on Black's bed saying: I brought a lot. Aren't you gonna eat first?]

Plus at the end of Ep 9 everyone was being followed...Oh and Sean is now spying on Tawi? Although not a whole lot of actual spying seemed to be happening...

Now I know that Tawi is also big coorporation here but I now have no idea how much of all this is just Todd or is Todd working for/with Tawi? That seems like the most likely scenario but I don't know for sure.

How much was Tawi actually involved in the drug trafficking that Seans father was involved in?

And when/how will Sean find out that officer Dan is the one who shot him? I can already picture the explosion.

And as much as I want (so very desperately) to watch the next episodes. I am also kind of grateful that I have to stop. Because this is SUCH A GOOD POINT to sit and imagine at.

How will Black and White be revealed to their friends? To Sean? To Euguene to everyone. What about Black and Whites parents? Are they going to come back into the story?

(OMG Black's mum, who White is 100% going to meet in his place next ep, will he meet her as White? Or pretend to be Black??)

Also Black's gotta feel betrayed about Todd too. Oh and Paprika's point about Black and White being thought and action, will we get to see them come together now, despite how much Black want's White to stay out of it? Is White going to meet the friends AS WHITE?? (I am dying to have Sean see him all put together with his glasses on). The emotional pay off that I can feel coming is so good, are they going to be shocked and betrayed? are they going to finally understand? I honestly have no idea and I want to know SO MUCH.

But I also just want to sit in this anticipation a little bit longer and let my imagination run wild. Looking forward to it all coming together

Looking forward to the plot too lol!

See you next time, chances are my next installment will be my immediate post finale freakout...or I could takes notes as I go maybe, does anyone want my live reactions, posted non-live?

[Image of First saying: Are you sure?]

P.S. just had a thought as I was adding tags...The gang's gonna think White's a mole aren't they? He's been in contact with Todd, He's the reason they're getting followed. OH NO, they're going to think he's with others.

I WILL Cry. Watchbuddies be warned

#Not Me #Not Me the series #roc plays catch up #rturts is wondering

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dramashii · 2 years ago

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This is Enemies to Lovers; CW: Till the End of the Moon

Youku is on a roll with its fantasy dramas. Earlier this year, The Starry Love aired and that was a hit. This time, I have watched the first 10 episodes of the recently premiered Till the End of the Moon and this is really exciting so far.

Till the end of the moon is a 40 episode drama starring Bai Lu and Luo Yun Xi. The pair have starred previously together in a modern drama called Love is Sweet and I found them great together there. In here, they play star-crossed lovers. Bai Lu's character, Susu is tasked to go 500 years back in time to kill Tantai Jin, the Devil God/Lord played by Luo Yun Xi to prevent him from annihilating the world. Because of this, a 3-lifetime love story starts.

Everything about this drama just screams budget. The costumes, the CGI, the set designs, the styling, all have been invested on which makes this show visually stunning.

The plot has been moving really quickly, but not to the point that it confuses its viewers. The first episode, itself was jam-packed. The show has been utilizing the constraint of 40 eps. There won't be a part 2 anymore, rather the watching time has been increased from 40 minutes to 55 minutes. I do not know yet if this is going to benefit the drama in the long run. To me, there are dramas that are better suited to have more episodes because of the complexities of their plot lines. I haven't read the original novel which this drama is based on, but I know it was long. Hopefully, they chose the best parts for this adaptation. This is going to be really angsty based on the trailers released. There is an enemy-to-lover situation going on which I'm definitely here for.

There are no boring moments when the main leads are on the screen. There are 2 other couples whose love stories are told in this drama. I will admit though, I do not care about them. For me personally, they're not interesting enough. When these other couples have screentime, usually I'm just counting down to the next moment when Bai Lu and Luo Yun Xi appears, because they're both literally the best part of the show.

This drama is a feast to the eyes, but the main highlight for me is definitely the portrayal of the main characters. Luo Yun Xi especially is a scene-stealer. He just fits playing Tantai Jin so much.

The eyes. That menacing look.

Tantai Jin is such an interesting being. The first few eps have really built the motivations of this character and viewers get to see a glimpse of understanding as to why he acts the way he does. He kind of reminds me of Dongfang Qingcang; he's the villain you want to root for. I do think Tantai Jin is more evil. He was literally born with an evil bone. Just when you think he can be redeemed, he does something absolutely sinister and he's not even sorry about it (unless of course if it's with the female lead lol). I've always believed that villains are the more fascinating love interests because they always do the extremes. Love for them is synonymous to obsession. I cannot wait to see how Tantai Jin go crazy for love.

Bai Lu's character is okay. Personally, I find her too cheerful sometimes for someone who literally had to go back in time to murder the perpetrator of the world’s destruction. I think she's not suspicious enough, but then again who can resist a villain with a tragic backstory (I can't.). So, can't really blame her. Bai Lu's portrayal of her is also fine. I really like how they style her. The headpieces are so pretty. I have read comments criticizing her use of a dubber. This is not really off-putting for me.

This drama isn't perfect, but overall, this drama definitely has potential. If this drama stays consistent as it is now, with it’s great CGI, styling, promise of an epic romance, and acting, this is going to be a fun and angsty ride. Can't wait!

#cw:kdramashii #till the end of the moon #bai lu #luo yunxi #cdramagif #cdrama gif #cdrama edit #asiandrama #dailyasiandrama #cdrama #k:till the end of the moon

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myloveforhergoeson · 7 months ago

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wait actually thinking more about that follower gap post, what is the tasw universe btr fandom's feelings towards roxy? i guess we see a bit of it in the tour letters chapter, and hopefully more in big time contest? are they public at this point? is she, as a girl their age on the team, being shipped with any other member?

hi!! the answer to this is simultaneously simple and complicated. as usual i have a long answer for you!

in short: no, btr fandom doesn’t know more than she’s their touring guitarist and if they did some research they’d find her listed as the writer on many of their songs. james and roxy aren’t public and there’s a few reasons why! as far as the fandom is aware, she just works with the band. after carlos told her he loved her at that one show tho some people might think they’re cute together but more on that later

in long: ah! i’ve already tried to incorporate this in so many ways and i have not found a way i like quite yet. i’ve set many little things up - you are so right about the letters chapter! rox makes a comment about getting some boos when carlos kisses her because we all know what fandom typically does to women who date guys in boybands 😭 in roxy’s birthday chapter, she and james get stopped in santa monica and people start taking pictures of him and he throws his coat over her head and pulls her away from the pier because of some “media training” he said he got from gustavo. jo mentions the same thing happening to her while she was out with kendall before the pair were forcibly made public by her publicist (which is also briefly mentioned; skipped that ep bc i didn’t like the sneaker storyline sorry!) so there’s little crumbs im attempting to put in here and there i just can’t decide what to do with them. i thought about adding another section onto the minnesota chapter where roxy convinces her old boss to let her have her show again for a night where she can “interview” (read: fuck around with her boyfriend in the radio studio for four hours) james and he’d forget to turn his mic off before calling her babe or something and accidentally make their relationship public but 1) the chapter was already way too long and 2) like what do i do then. write an even longer chapter the next time around to fix what i wrote previously? i do not have the same time i used to when i started writing this to just get down like 20 pages a night LMAO. i loveeeee writing don’t get me wrong but it’s just hard for me currently and low interaction on original portions of the story are not very motivating. (but i’m not writing for the engagement don’t worry! it’s just a bonus!!!)

so yeah like it’s THERE it’s just not there.

besides. i want james and roxy to have a conversation about it too but i think he’s probably tweaking out about it bc of gustavo’s “training” and she would love to be public i just don’t think she understands what being in the spotlight really means and she doesn’t want to come off as too pushy because he hasn’t brought it up. neither of them really know what to expect from a public relationship with a public figure. but i mean. they’re out to their friends and stuff obviously! so maybe that might come back to bite them in the butt later idk. i have literally so many thoughts about this i promise itll be in there at some point i just don’t know when :)

i imagine at this point in time the band members each have like the lower end of a 60-100k follower count? i really have no basis for this though. i’ll have to give it some more thought!

tysm for your question eeee!! love seeing things tagged rames on my dash :) <3

#thats all she wrote fic #ash talks tasw #:)))!!!

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those70scomics · 1 year ago

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As requested by @hydesjackiespuddinpop

Tell Me About Your OTP

I've written a lot of metas about Jackie and Hyde over the years (a sampling):

And many more that can be found here (on my meta master list page).

I'm a firm believer that canon stems from character consistency as well as growth and change that is grounded (or set up) properly in storytelling. Writers for a show can and will force characters to act against their long-established natures to fit a plot idea, and T7S unfortunately does this a lot with J/H in particular during the last part of S5, beginning of S6, and too much of S7.

I can't and don't consider canon the choices, actions, and feelings that inherently and significantly contradict previous years of consistent character building -- not without a carefully written storyline that substantiates those changes from the core of the characters. Just because people who write for the show put out-of-character episodes or scenes onscreen doesn't make that writing canon.

If X character is firmly established as someone who would never do Y, but that character does Y onscreen because a show writer decided to make it so ... that's bad writing and breaks the fictional dream. In novels, an editor would (hopefully 😅) catch such an error and tell the author to revise.

I've seen plenty of non-canonical writing disrupt or even wreck otherwise consistently (well-) written shows. It's frustrating.

I've made a few comics where the T7S characters react to the OOC actions their show counterparts were forced into. Those were fun. ☺️

I've also read plenty of T7S fanfic where the authors write the characters in a far more canonical way than the T7S writers eventually did.

What we see onscreen doesn't automatically make a plotline or character development canon. Story elements must not break the fictional dream. If they do in an episode (or season) that airs on TV (or streaming service), then it's a non-canonical episode as far as I'm concerned, and I dismiss it; otherwise the internal cohesion of the fictional universe unravels. Only by embracing cognitive dissonance and not engaging in critical thinking can one accept all the contradictions as being canon.

#that 70s show #that '70s show #steven hyde #jackie burkhart #jackie x hyde #my meta #my essay #meta #essay

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ohlookitsthearkhamknight · 1 year ago

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Your's truly's shitty ass review of ep.4 of My Adventures with Superman Let's Go to Ivo Tower, You Say (SPOILERS AHEAD)

Okay so we start off the episode with perry making the big 3 go to Dr Ivo's gala. Dr Ivo is responsible for amazotech. Which is bad because nothing with the name amazo is amazing. In fact it usually fucking sucks.

Anyways we get to the gala and are introduced to Alex. I can already tell this dude has had ENOUGH.

Okay here we go. Ivo made parasitic armour using amazo tech. With one goal. Get rid of superman. What a giant ass manchild. Alex looks like he is absolutely tired of this mans shit.

Anyways after the I'm broke but who cares because I'm about to commit murder speech Clark accidently hears he gets thrown out and who comes to his rescue? Lois. What's really important in this scene is what I think is the main hidden plot. Her father General Lane who we have seen in ep.2 calls. She immediately hangs up and tells Clark they dont have a good relationship. Easy to ignore but I bet this is going to really really play into things soon I bet.

As a "demonstration" Ivo with Alex's help takes the gala guests hostage to attract superman's attention. Which works. Also this scene is cool something about the whited out glasses and evil smile. Kinda hot ngl

Okay here we see Ivo's parasitic armour. What's interesting about this is his line explaining how the harder you hit the armour the harder it hits back. Similar to the gravity sheath on Slade's iKon suit. (Could this tech later be used for his Deathstroke suit???)

Okay blah blah blah superman fights Ivo, Lois and Jimmy realise Alex is controlling the cage. I love Lois here cause she just straight up knocks Alex the fuck out. Lois deserves to knock more men out

Also I hope Alex appears again because why put such emphasis on him for nothing

Anyways Ivo is defeated and is wheeled off after superman tells him that he just wants to help

*muffled screaming* THEM I LOVE THEM😭 been waiting so long for this. I'm not much of a superman fan but this show has just got me by the throat and I love it

Oh poor jimmy. Don't worry bud I've been there too. Being a third wheel sucks ass. Not in the good way either.

We end the episode with Lois finally putting the dots together. Smallville is actually Superman. And shes pissed. Big time. Next episode is gonna be interesting as hell. Her best friend her crush is secretly the guy she's been trying to get. I worry for Clark because Lois is not a woman to be fucked with.

Now your probably going "ayo what happened to the tech" um it disappeared. And while we didn't see who I bet yours truly with an immenitent divorce had something to do with it. It'll be interesting to see because I bet Amanda is gonna get her hands on Ivo and his tech.

Anyways I'm excited for the next episode because shit is starting to build up and it's about to explode (hopefully not like that one warehouse in Ethiopia.)

#heres my shitty review #kinda sad Slade didn't appear but he was there in spirit😌#jimmy olsen #kal el #lois lane #superman #clark kent #my adventures with superman #dr ivo

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marymoss1971 · 2 years ago

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Random thoughts on Picard, ep 3.3 "Seventeen Seconds"

Beverly's secret. I was afraid this was going to be Beverly’s rationale. I was hoping it would sound more plausible to me, but, sadly, it’s lame. Okay, I get her being afraid for her baby’s safety. Plus, we know that if she would’ve told Picard about the baby, duty would’ve won out and he would’ve stayed in Starfleet. But Picard retired from Starfleet when Jack was probably five or six. So, she could’ve told him then. She chose not to. My guess is it was the “I’ve waited too long and it would be awkward” rationale. Which I can understand, but It’s still annoying. However, I can live with it. It was obviously a rash decision made out of fear for her child. Was it the correct decision? No, but the show's not claiming it was. It's just the one she made.

2. Shaw: I was a little conflicted about Shaw giving command to Riker. He should’ve given it to his first officer, but apparently, she’s still in trouble for insubordination. But he does have a very good point–they are in this whole mess because of Riker so he should clean it up!

3. Dr. Ohk: I really want to like her, but she annoyed the heck out of me. She should be grateful for Beverly’s help, instead of assuming she doesn’t know what she’s doing because she hasn’t been in Starfleet for twenty years.

4. Worf: Cool seeing Worf again! He's gotten so chill since we last saw him! t was surprising to hear he's not in Starfleet anymore, but at least he's still working with Starfleet as a subcontractor.

5. Rogue changelings: OMG, that's a great twist! I love it! Now, I'm hoping we'll get a guest appearance by one of the DS9 actors. That'd be awesome! (BTW, I loved the reference to Odo here.)

BTW, I thought it was odd when Worf was telling Raffi "Once Changelings were an enemy of the Federation..." I was like--she's old enough to remember the Dominion War, Worf!

6. new changeling threat: I immediately thought of Admiral Leyton and his attempted coup during the last changeling threat. I imagine he'd be awfully smug to learn the danger has returned.

Can’t wait until next week. (BTW, I’m missing LaForge and Troi. Hopefully, they’ll be coming into the story soon)

#star trek picard #star trek picard spoilers #picard season 3 #I'm really intrigued

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sy5starplaty · 2 years ago

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Live-blog of Ted Lasso 3.09...

FOOTBALL! That should keep the complainers happy, right?

Roy is liking other people having fun... what?

Beard faints at Roy saying "great job".

Pretty sure Isaac's issue is Colin not telling him... otherwise he'd be making others stay away from Colin, right? IDK.

Jack is ghosting Keeley... So she's more worried about her reputation OR she's dead. Either way, this is the end & Jack is very much Willhouby.

TED IN A REBECCA SCENE 4MINS IN!

Oh, that was lovely.

Also good song.

ROY IN A KEELEY SCENE 6MINS IN! Ok, not quite the same, but yes... positivity?

Jade at Nate's workplace...

Wait, Derek? Does that mean he's the same guy who owns the American joint in Amsterdam? Or are there two Dereks?

"It's worthwhile to meet you" - that feels like a bit of an insult & I love her for it.

Her name is short for JADED... I LOVE HER SO MUCH.

And Roy's not doing the press conference. Why am I not surprised?

Beard losing 'em with the music jibes... not a great stand-in.

Neither is Rebecca. That guy from Cream is pretty good, though.

"I am sick of Roy being Roy" - me too at this stage.

Rebecca doing a Roy with the loud yell to grab attention & ordering him around.

Is the total football thing happening around the whole club? That was very versatile.

Colin off to talk to Trent...

Rebecca's "pep talk" needs some work, but it's long overdue.

GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY, MAN.

She may need to take her own advice.

Rupert doesn't approve of Jade, so he'll do something which will eventually bring Nate back to Richmond. Hopefully Jade isn't caught in the crossfires.

"Thank you for correcting me Chris, and next time feel free to wait until we're off-air." I LOVE ARLO (& Chris).

Of course beer tastes better out of a champagne glass, Paul.

"So now that Jack is officially my ex please feel free to say anything you didn't like about her"... Oh, Keeley, I don't think you're ready to hear all of my grievances.

The hand thing suggests it's more a personal issue with McAdoo...

Oh, dear, he's brought it out onto the field. This is not going to be good.

I hope that guy who keeps shouting is getting paid a lot for all the vocal work.

Uh oh! No, McAdoo! DON'T ATTACK THE HORRIBLE "FAN"!

Red card for McAdoo...

And... the whole team is... silent.

The other F-word. Ah.

What if one of us is gay? ... Oh, dear. Ready to out somebody are we? But, uh, yeah... what if, man? You gotta tread carefully with your slurs. Better yet! Don't do any at all!

Lol at the silent convo with Sam & Jamie. Go, Sam! Be the captain.

Jamie's flattered that the others might think him gay.

Wait... Colin's about to...?

"What happened isn't what you're really angry about, is it? You gotta go deal with that, or you're gonna fuck up whatever it is you really do care about." Oh, Roy. You learning! And also... this is good fodder for my next GMW fic chapter.

Aw, Will... I'll have some bubble gum.

Aw... the himbos! I love them.

Yup. Rupert's still effing around & he expects Nate to do the same. Good lad, Nate. Can you help Bex out, now? She and Diana need to get the hell away from that man.

"The Press are ready for you, Ted." Nope, Roy's gonna do it. Good boy.

ROY'S BEING TED RIGHT NOW WITH THE STORY INSTEAD OF GIVING A STRAIGHT ANSWER. So weird. I love it.

And... he's doing wonderfully. It was a good pep talk, Rebecca.

Jade's reading Murakami. And she gives good hugs too apparently.

KNEW IT. Isaac was just annoyed Colin didn't tell him.

And... it ends on them playing video games going through the process of understanding.

GOOD EP. Might even say great ep upon rewatch.

I'm really gonna need some movement on the Roy/Keeley front next ep (still need to see that moment from the trailer). The bit of growth Roy did here should be moving us to that point.

Also... tedbecca, but less so. Starting to think Nate might be involved there.

3 episodes left.

#Ted Lasso spoilers #Ted Lasso 3.09 #retag 2023 #my silly thoughts on a very good episode

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p3l0k3n · 2 years ago

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MSP 5

After my last post I noticed something in Ep. 4 that this episode didn't address.

To paraphrase Gun to Win: It's a long story; I'll tell you later.

Promise? Hopefully Gun will do just that.

I find this episode to be the weakest one we've seen so far. The stakes are ill defined, and I don't understand where key characters are going from here.

Gun is fortunate enough that his parents' interests match his own, and that they nurture that interest. He wants to follow in his father's footsteps; they're not forcing him to. His mom ends up reassuring him that he can follow his heart no matter what.

It is unfortunate that the milk bar employee is taking maternity leave at this critical time for Gun's plan for New Wave.

Gun's mon says the he wants to go into the Faculty of Music. Won't he need to study for that faculty just like any other?

Then there's Tinn. He's fully under his mom's thumb. She wants him to be a doctor, and he never asks himself if he really wants to be one. Instead, he tries to find meaning and purpose within her expectations. Does mother know best all of a sudden?

Por actually has to confront his mother with what he wants to do; something he manages to do with Tiw's encouragement. She is okay with him being in the Music Club and the New Wave competition. That doesn't come as a complete suprise as they have a grand piano in their living room. I don't know if he want to pursue music after high school or not.

Win is still in defiance of his father's plan for him. We've barely scratched the surface between him being in the band, his desire to break into the rap scene, and his father's expectations. Sound helps him take the first steps, and the two of them end up back in the club room.

I haven't been able to get a good reading on what is going on with either Yo or Pat, but they are there in the club room with the rest of them.

Back to Gun, he has been focusing on keeping his club alive and winning New Wave. He looks like he has spared little thought about what happens next, win or lose.

Step 2: Win New Wave

Step ?: Success

While the song in Ep. 2 is in my #1 position, the song in Ep. 3 is in #2. Despite the fact that neither Tinn nor Gun are willing to outright admit it (even when the other one pushes), I believe they understand that they will face whatever obstacles come together.

Throughout the series so far, we have watched reality crash through Tinn's daydreams, but he has the connections and resources to deal with what is thrown at him. The song in this episode steps away from reality. It counters the guidance councilor who is a little too zealous in his role at the beginning of the episode.

I hope that Ep. 6 gets back on track.

Side note:

Bad Buddy was really good at keeping things grounded in its reality. We watched Pat and Pran work together to overcome obstacles while developing a pretty solid relationship. After watching them bringing their warring faculties together, I had envisioned them getting their families together as well. At the very end, the young men must face the fact that they have met an obstacle they can't remove. They come to terms with the notion that a not-so-secret relationship is better than no relationship at all.

I was dumbfounded by this ending. It was worse than finding out the reason why the families fueded in the first place. To me, finding out about the scholarship was the beginning of the end. I figured that this was because the US and Thailand are very different culturally. At the same time I realized I wouldn't be able to enjoy another watch of the comple series again.

#my school president #my school president the series

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cowboylikedean · 11 months ago

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i need to stream of conscious about my year so I'm going to do that under a cut. feel free to ignore... but also feel free to read. i'm going to get more, idk direct and explicit than i have just cause this has always been my diary and i just need a diary right now. for happy reasons, but still

this is long tldr is here

so i'll start with the very very beginning. i had made a "2023 song of the day" playlist and i got 3 days in before i quit. the first song from new years day is "learning how to lose you." i don't know why but I woke up on january first missing the fuck out of my best friend who left me with his abusive ex boyfriend asshole mc'asshole. i remember having a therapy session about it and i asked her why i missed him and she was like "his birthday is in the winter?" but i just missed him....

i was also starting my second semester of grad school. i am now finishing my 4th because summer semester is a full semester. that's how much this year has been.... so i start my first spring semester and fall semester really hurt so i'm like "it has to be better this time" honestly, i'm still floundering a bit, but i'm kinda holding it together, i like the subject of all 3 of my classes so i'm buckled in for a good time.

at the same time i'm like "okay i gotta fix work and make that more sustainable while i'm in school" so i talk to my manager who is super helpful and supportive AND THEN another manager is mean to me and this kinda shapes work drama the whole year

so then that's january and my personal life is fine, it's just.... there because school and work took up so much of my pie i had no space for myself, but i'm trying to do things like puzzles and video games and enjoy myself...

and then kelsea releases rolling up the welcome mat and instantly i'm like MY LOVE literally i made a playlist called whelp. and it's real by lily kincade "don't pretend it wasn't real" and then messy by danielle bradbery which i listened to a lot before he left about how we had fallen into not being friends which lead into the ep "i can't handle another year of you and i just being fine" and like LITERALLY ugh and then it ended with i can't make you love me. and like... for 3 days, this playlist ran my life and i cried so hard

and then in the middle of february, iykyk but asshole mc'asshole and his asshole in crime reach out and they tell me the most amazing news!!!! asshole mc'asshole broke up with my best friend almost a year prior!!!! this is the best thing i've ever heard because i always told myself when they broke up, i'd reach out hopefully to reconnect, but at the very least for closure. asshole mc'asshole sent me a long long message "apologizing" and i read it and responded SOOOO healed sooooooo soosoosososo level and healed and honestly it was SUCH good healing closure to respond to him and i had JUST spoken in therapy about walking a line between trusting too much and being earnest and believing in the good in people and i felt like i walked it sooooo good!!! so that was so nice... but then there's this thing in the back of my mind "oh i need to message him" and i had so much going on with school and work that it just kinda.... became a thing i never had the spoons to do, but i knew i needed to do. which MEANS i had A. LOT. OF. BIG. FEELINGS. all year

so the spring happens and the tour starts... i love eras so much but it's nothing like what i expected. then. the tayjoe breakup happens. oh this breakup hurt my heart. everything taylor wrote about joe felt so special and personal to my own relationship that it was hard not to feel shaken. she's my whole world and like... what the fuck??? i didn't think we were not going to be okay... but it felt... life altering. i couldn't hear my life in the songs on lover as much anymore cause taylor took up all the space. i had to reclaim the songs from her, and that felt... rough.

but then also spring semester... yes... what a time. so 2/3 of my classes were fine 1 was good even... but the other one....... my teacher fucking ghosted us, clearly didn't care. it's the most involved of the three with the most to learn. we all learned fucking nothing. it was disheartening and frustrating because the dept head didn't seem to fucking care. we did our best though and really leaned on each other, for which i'm thankful!!! but then yeah one of my classes was fine and that one wasn't good because my teacher is just not a good teacher. not like the one who ghosted us or this semester's nightmare... but like... not great. she's just not clear and it's exhausting being her student. the other class was awesome because i did mock sessions with my friends and i learned "oh my god, I'm going to be a therapist" like for real.

and so what was holding me through that was eras. missing 4/29 still haunts me. i can't watch or listen to the surprise songs or the cat joke. that was the first night of the phones during marjorie. i should have been there. i wish i'd gone around to the other side of the stadium, because i felt so alone outside. it wasn't great and it hurt real bad. 4/30 was also......... awful. like i'm not going to pretend I had a blastyblast with my bomb ass 4th row ticket because i didn't. i had an awful time and it's because i was clearly too fat and disabled to be down there and everyone around me made sure i knew that. it was awful. only saving graces for that night is that my cousins were there and i got to celebrate with them having seen the same show and also...... asshole mc'asshole messaged me before i left again. this time with more negativity towards my love and best friend. taylor played i bet you think about me on guitar and.......... it was HILARIOUS.

when i got home, i messaged asshole mc'asshole back and told him that I had already given him what he was going to get from me. he said he wasn't trying to get my forgiveness, but he wanted me to understand??? lol and then he went into a bunch of shit about my love and best friend and i'm like "dude, I don't care" so basically, I tell him that and that he's not getting anything else from me or to change my opinion and i don't hear anything else from him

then nashville happens. i end the spring semester in a really disgusting room in a days inn 40 minutes outside of nashville. it's gorgeous. the nashville stadium security was awful and evil, but i had so much fun at these shows because i did ada seating. i learned that concerts are so much more fun when you can see and you don't have to stand. i wish to god i did ada for atlanta, but my views were so good both days i didn't want to lose them. sucker. anyway, eras 2.0 was SOOO much better

meanwhile, taylor and matty are happening. my spring semester ends and literally one week later, summer semester starts. this is a hot mess because i was IN FUCKING NASHVILLE when the spring semester ended and so i was exhausted and coming down from my post concert high while also dealing with the emotional fuckery from asshole mc'asshole. him just like... being the same and proving he didn't mean jack shit of what he said in feb because he really just wanted me to hate my love and best friend just like.... 🙄 anyway so like i start spring semester SOOO done.

i end up getting in fights with random people on tumblr at night when i can't sleep. if you see me do this, know my mental health is in the toilet. i just scroll past it or bitch privately when people say dumb shit if my mental health is good. but the fights like what i was doing with the matty rebound? that's indicative that I Am Going Through It Right Now. i stand by what i said, i always do... but i was not handling annoyance at all of you very well because i was not handling anything well.

so i didn't have time or space to decompress after spring semester OR eras OR asshole mc'asshole before summer semester. during summer semester, my most helpful and useful and productive coworker went on vacation. this was awful because i was left to pick up the pieces. the main boss of our office also went on extended leave. this was a mess because she is the glue that holds our office together. we also got another boss. this was a mess because she is a mess and unprofessional and didn't know what to do.

i have the teacher who ghosted us again, then i have a group therapy class that is a lot of fun, and then i have my first course on career counseling in a very career based program and I HATED IT it was exhausting and triggering constantly being bombarded with career counseling stuff. meanwhile, work is exhausting!!!! there's a promotion opening up i know is there, and i mention it to several people... i keep getting praised at work and every manager (including the one i was on the outs with at the beginning of the year) is so pleased with my work ethic. work ethic, i feel was floundering.

i think it's around this time my caseloads go from being two counselors to two managers. they can see how little work i'm doing for them, but i'm hyping up the work i'm doing elsewhere, so they think i'm still doing a good job. mostly though, i just felt like i was dying. summer semester was hell, my mental health was SOOO bad.

the good witch releases here and in so many of the sad songs, i hear my love and best friend. i hear him in "I know you did bad, but if one more person says I might go mad. the issue is, I know all of this and I-I still want you back" I hear him in "did you hold mine and feel threatened" I hear him in "i fought it but i saw it and it sawed me right in half" and I hear him in "we could live off of magic and maybes" the sad songs and being stuck in this state of "I need to reach out to him, but I don't have the space and spoons" really didn't help my mental health, which was already shit from school.

at the end of summer semester, I had to take basically an entire week off to write papers because I had like 6 papers due the same day and 3 exams and like 4 essays. it was really insane. and you wanna know what??? I DID IT. i did it ALL. and i thought i was going to die. i was really afraid i was actually going to hurt myself. I considered checking myself into a crisis ward several times. i was really afraid. i asked everyone around me if they hated me constantly and had no space for my own emotional regulation. i was literally going off the deep end. i couldn't breathe. but i did it.

i had 2 weeks in between summer and fall. i took a week off work for my birthday and spent that week cleaning my house. cleaning was so important and powerful. the house has stayed mostly clean and not gotten nearly that bad since. i created storage for my puzzles so they weren't all over the floor and i took out the heaps and heaps of trash everywhere. my birthday happened and it was so fun and calm. i went out to get myself a milkshake that night and then got into a car accident.

the next day, i wake up early to get myself to the urgent care and i have a message from my love, my best friend. i hadn't had the spoons to message him yet (and probably wouldn't until december after fall semester when i had more than a week break), but he messaged me. it was gorgeous and beautiful. i loved him always. he tells me he moved back to town. i can't explain the love i felt and i feel. i spoke to him on the phone that day, and i felt my whole heart leave my body. i spent the last day of my vacation with him.

it was amazing. we spent 6 hours together, which then felt like a long time. for reference, we spent 5 hours together today and it felt like it was nothing. that boy is my whole world y'all. but that night is so fun and it felt like we were us again. i got home and i texted him that he better be being truthful and he better be in this because i can't be guarded around him. and this... this is when we take a turn.

after that first day, i was really conflicted and i was talking it out... my beautiful sledge reminds me that once upon a time, i wanted this guy to be my partner. i wanted to be in a committed partnership with him... and all at once, i remember all those feelings i had forgotten. this whole time, i thought i missed him as a friend. but he wasn't my friend. he wasn't my partner then, but he was headed there. we were headed there. he didn't know it, but i did. i knew it two years before he left. i forgot because that last year when he was with asshole mc'asshole was so hard. after a really wild day of back and forth, i decide to give it a real proper go with my love and best friend. we hang out again and it's just as magic.

all the sudden all this time and energy i spent in missing him for 5 years is now just.... spent loving him. it's wild. on september 9, we end up in a restaurant by his house and we spend several hours crying holding hands talking about how much we love each other. he told me he moved here for me and i told him i know i could never stop loving him because i didn't. we're talking fate and its so sweet. we were made for each other gets thrown out. and we were.

the month of september is fraught with anxiety, but not a bad kind of impending doom, but a good kind of impending happiness. i remember so clearly how i wanted to be his partner and i want it more now. every day that passes, we keep one upping the queer between us. we mention it to. I call it queerplatonic on 9/14 and am completely unsure if he has any inkling that i want this to be a partnered queerplatonic and not a queerplatonic friendship. i have no idea if he'd be down for that... but i think he would be. but i don't know for sure, but i'm like.... mostly sure he'd be down for that. i just don't know how to say it and i don't want to say too much too soon.

this debate takes up ALL of my brainspace. i spend all of my time in my room listening to music and thinking about him. wishing i knew how to tell him. practicing conversations in which i do tell him. i'm carefully choosing every word and i'm reading subtext into his text messages, trying to find clues to what he'd say if i told him. it's bad. i'm losing my fucking mind. wHICH MEANS i have no brainspace for school and work.

now by this time, everyone at work knows i'm a little kookoo. not just in general, but about my love. they all see me light up when he texts me and they have all heard me rant about how much i adore him. they have given me advice, some of it solicited and some of it not. a few of them tell me that he's for sure going to be up for partnership, a few of them tell me to just ride it out a while longer, a few of them tell me to be more guarded. they all know about my internal debate and while some of them don't understand it, they're here for me either way. but most of them agree it looks like it's headed there.. and they almost all agree it would be cute.

the talk of the promotion really amps up when my coworker in that role finally transitions to her new role. i ask who is going to take on her responsibilities in the interim. i'm told that most likely me, since i'm the one most likely to get the job. VERY exciting!!! however, as i've stated, my BRAIN IS ELSEWHERE oh it's SO hard to focus. i try though, god knows i try. I almost completely ignore school in the month of September. I try though. I DO!!! ugh, but I get caught up at the beginning of October.

Also at the beginning of October, I use the excuse I was late to work cause i was texting my love and my manager says she's not mad anymore because that's cute. that's like what i mean my coworkers are so in on this.

so october hits, and the vibe shifts. well, it shifts for him. as explained, the vibe shifted for me a long time ago 🙃 but we take a sharp turn, nevertheless. i could write this out with every milestone, but some things are just for us and not relevant to this journaling. the point isn't what specifically happened and when, it's that it happened at all and it happened fast. which is related but... october pre-eras tour movie is slight sharp turn, eras tour movie is a REAL sharp turn. we end up on top of each other on the couch and almost kissing that night.... then by halloween, it's undeniable that this is not a friendship. we're not friends.

november is the month of definition. we do "this is a polyship i'm in with you and sledge" then we do "boyfriend/lovefriend" then we do "i think this is romantic" and then we do.... kissing???? look, i've never enjoyed kissing anyone. so that's just been fucking wild. i tried to play it cool today and want the kisses less, and i can tell y'all... i didn't kiss him enough today. i miss his lips SO BAD and he left 4 hours ago. AND THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT???? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT????? never before in my life.

in the beginning of october, i got caught up with school and then switched to try to get caught up with work... but then when things picked up with my sweetheart, i just couldn't get it together. so i did SOOOOO little work in october and i did even less in november until this last bit here at the end. i also just like........ look, i did the interview for that promotion, which looked like it might not happen. oh god... that was a time. my name didn't come down from HR so me and my manager had to fight for me to get the chance to interview. i don't know what's going on with that and i'm honestly freaked out and afraid to ask. but part of that is that the quality of my work is just...... nonexistent. i wish i was a good employee but right now, i'm barely an employee. well... its better now than it was. in october and november, falling in love and doing the "waIT WAIT WAIT" getting payoff from fucking 7 years ago....... it kinda led to never really being able to do anything else.

so here i am, ending the fall semester having never really been present for it at all. here i am awaiting to see about a promotion i may have fucked up by being less present and responsive the more real it got. here i am with a boyfriend i love with my whole soul, in a ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP with someone who i started the year missing to pieces and back. here i am.

this year has been a ride.

#personal #sweetheart #zoe does grad school

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