#she has to. wrestle a lot with healthcare. not really looking good.

[obstinaterixatrix]

mom was saying how she wasn’t good at getting gifts and was like “I don’t even know what to get you :(” and I was like. no mom. I’m the problem here.

[baymaksu]

Well, thank you @theangrycomet you posed an excellent question about Tadashi and Karmi interacting and... You inspired this scene in my head and I absolutely had to draw and write it out. And now here are the beginnings of a spontaneous one-shot I will complete, called: “BH6: Among Titans.” Here’s the storyboard and an excerpt:

At the Ito Ishioka Robotics Lab, Karmi timidly knocked on the door. Peering her head into the office, she looked towards the SFIT dean who was going through paperwork, “You wanted to see me, Professor Callaghan?”

Taking off his glasses, Professor Robert Callaghan smiled at the teenage prodigy, “Ms. Khan. Yes. I wanted to check in with you. How’s your first semester at SFIT been treating you?” Holding onto her biotech textbook, Karmi smiled back, “It’s been good, Professor. I’m getting a hang of the class schedule.”

Callaghan nodded, “Your professors have been telling me you’ve been doing remarkably well. I wouldn’t expect anything less from you, of course.”

Flushing at the compliment, Karmi chuckled, “Oh, thank you, Professor Callaghan. It’s everything I was hoping for. It’s been a good challenge so far.”

“Good. I knew I chose well when I selected you at the Expo. The future is in bright hands. Although, it’s a shame I couldn’t be your mentor. I’m afraid biotech is just not my field of expertise. Unless you’d consider double majoring in Robotics?” The old professor laughed good-naturedly.

Surprised at the offer, Karmi stumbled shyly, “Oh. Th-that would’ve been an honor, Professor Callaghan. I’m already so grateful you chose me to be in SFIT despite my age. But… unfortunately I don’t think robotics is quite a field I see myself in, either.” It truly would be an honor, too. Although she had no inclination towards robotics, she recognized that Professor Callaghan was regarded as one of the “Fathers of Modern Robotics.”

Professor Callaghan frowned lightly for a moment, but quickly laughed as if to expect this response, “Hmmm… I understand, Ms. Khan. I was simply wondering if you’d humor me. I’m still happy to play a part in your growth as a scientist. Well, perhaps you’ll consider it in the future. While I have you here at the Ito Ishioka Robotics Lab, how about I introduce you to one of my proteges?”

“Um. Yes, I’d like that, Professor.” The dean walked over towards her and placed a comforting hand along her shoulder to guide her towards the halls of the robotics lab building. If Karmi was being honest, she found it comforting to be around the dean. She was far away from her parents, from her family. But Professor Callaghan seemed to exude the presence and aura of a very caring father-like figure. And while he wasn’t her mentor in her intended field of biotechnology, he certainly was a mentor that made an exception to accept her to the school of her dreams.

Coming upon an opaque screen door, Professor Callaghan knocked a few times, “Mr. Hamada. Are you free at the moment? I’d like you to meet someone.”

The voice of a young man could be heard into the opaque private lab room, “Yes, Professor. One moment…”

Momentarily, the door opened to reveal a tall young man sporting a grey cardigan sweater and an all-too familiar signature San Fransokyo Ninjas baseball cap that was slicked backwards. The young man had a warm smile on his face. Professor Callaghan looked to Karmi, “Ms. Khan. Meet Mr. Tadashi Hamada. One of SFIT’s best and brightest. His capstone project blends robotics with healthcare and biotech. I think he would be a great student mentor for you.” Now, looking to his protege, “Mr. Hamada, this Ms. Karmi Khan. She’s a first year biotech major.”

Tadashi chuckled warmly, “You know, Professor. If you keep singing my praises, I may never be able to live up to that.” Now focusing his attention to the new student, Tadashi stepped forward to offer a handshake, “Hello, Karmi. Welcome to SFIT, it’s a pleasure to meet you. You’re already the talk of the school with the honor of being our youngest student. It’s quite a feat, you must be proud.”

Karmi awkwardly took his hand and shook it, “Oh, thanks! I.. I am. The honor- or umm… pleasure is all mine, Mr. Tadashi.“ She was utterly taken aback, bashfully processing that he was complimenting her. She was proud, to be sure. But to hear this from the young man that everyone seemed to liken as a “handsome, brilliant white knight.” She had already known about Tadashi. It was hard not to, he really did have an impressive reputation at SFIT.

“You can loosen up, Karmi! Call me Tadashi!” The young man laughed, rubbing the back of his head. He put a hand along his chin contemplatively, “Sixteen years old… You know, if only I could get my little brother to meet you. Maybe you’d inspire him to do something with his big brain, too. He could use a genius friend around his age.”

“Oh…” Once again, Karmi was thrown for a loop. She honestly has never been great with socializing with other people her age, or with most people in fact. But she did feel honored that Tadashi would feel like she would inspire other people like his little brother.

———

Meanwhile, in an alleyway deep within San Fransokyo’s illustrious Good Luck Alley…. With his megabot in hand, Hiro “innocently” walked towards a roaring crowd circling around several bot fighters.

Right before he could weave into the crowd, he suddenly sneezed. The boy had a habit of not covering himself when he sneezed. Some calloused, unsavory characters turned around to scowl at the little boy who sneezed at them. Hiro shrunk with a nervous chuckle, “S-Sorry. It’s… uhhh… dusty here.” With another roar in the crowd, the ruffians looked back towards the action and dismissed the kid. No doubt, their money was betted on the line and wanted to see the victor.

Hiro’s eyes narrowed annoyedly, a finger scratching his nose and sniffling at the sudden sneeze. He muttered to himself, “I sense a disturbance… Tadashi must be talking about me…” The young boy pictured in his head his older brother trying to tell him to go to school like him rather than bot fight…

Hearing the roaring of the crowd at the declared victor. Hiro shrugged his shoulders at the thought, grinning mischievously, “Well, looks like business is good!” The little boy squeezed himself into the crowd, making his way towards the center…

———

Back at the Ito Ishioka Robotics Lab, Tadashi welcomed Karmi and Professor Callaghan into his private lab, “But hey, you caught me at a good time. I was about to conduct another trial test of my project.”

Recalling that Professor Callaghan stated that his project blended robotics and biotech, this piqued Karmi’s interest, “What is your project… if I may ask?”

“Of course. I think it’d be best to show you.” Walking over to his holographic monitor, Tadashi typed away. Until suddenly, a white balloon-like entity inflated from a red station. When it fully inflated, it revealed a marshmallow-like robot, as Tadashi gestured toward his creation, “This is Baymax. He’s a robotic healthcare companion. Fully capable of a comprehensive, non-invasive diagnostic scan and will have over 10,000 medical protocols and procedures coded into him, among other things.”

“He’s…” The summary description of his project was already incredible, Karmi couldn’t quite articulate herself and yelled, “He’s adorable! He looks like you can just hug him!”

With a wide smile, Tadashi crossed his arms proudly, “Yeah. That’s what Dr. Bay and I were going for. He’s going to help a lot of people, so he needs to be approachable.” With an even wider grin, “Want to watch a test trial?” Karmi’s eyes lit up, “Yes, of course!”

With a nod, Tadashi grabbed a labeled object and stood in front of the inflated robot, “This is Tadashi Hamada. And this is the 62nd test of my robotics project.”

They could hear the machine initializing, until suddenly it looked towards Tadashi and spoke, “/Hello. I am Baymax, your personal healthcare- care- Hello. You look like you could use a hug./“ It stepped off of its charging station.

Tadashi mused to himself, “Hmm… A bit out of sequence. Going to have to recode that.” Now addressing his creation, “But ummm… sure, I would love a hug, big guy.” Tadashi raised his arms, preparing himself for a hug.

The robotic healthcare companion waddled towards him, raising its arms to envelope around Tadashi, “/I will hug you now./“

But to Tadashi’s horror, Baymax began wiggling his fingers during the embrace, “W-Wait! B-Baymax! That’s n-not- THAT’S TICKLING!” The young man erupted into an uncontrollable fit of laughter, trying to wrestle out of the machine’s grasp. “/There. There./“

Suddenly, Baymax looked towards Karmi and Professor Callaghan as Tadashi pried himself away, “/Would you like a hug, too?/“ Slyly, Professor Callaghan smoothly sidestepped himself outside of the private lab. But Karmi couldn’t quite process the odd predicament she was in…

“Karmi, look out!” Before the rogue tickle death machine could grab the young prodigy, Tadashi selflessly got in its way and pushed Karmi out of Baymax’s destructive tickling path. Tadashi yelled valiantly, “Save yourselves! I’ll hold him off!”

Karmi ran out of the room, a hand at her mouth agape. Trying to see if she could help the young man. Professor Callaghan calmly closed the door on Tadashi and Baymax, smiling coolly as they could hear the young man wrestling with vinyl and howling with laughter. Karmi couldn’t help but giggle. The professor seemed to simply wait until they heard, “I- I’M SATIS- SATISFIED WITH MY CARE!”

They could hear heavy breathing until Tadashi opened the door, “Whew… I’m sorry about that you guys. He still needs a lot of work.”

Karmi’s eyes were still wide at the spectacle. Looking to see that the robot was now powered down. Recovering from the shock, she awkwardly tried to comfort the young man about his project, “He’s still really amazing! I think when he’s ready, he’ll really help a lot of people. And tickling could help? It makes people laugh?”

With a soft chuckle, catching his breath, Tadashi smiled at her, “Thanks, Karmi. He’ll get there. I won’t give up on him.” Finally regaining his initial composure, Tadashi stood tall, “But listen. I know it can be intimidating starting your first year here. I’m no biotech or medical whiz, or a robotics whiz as you can see for that matter… But if you ever need any help, feel free to come see me.”

This brightened up Karmi’s expression, “Thank you, Tadashi. I really appreciate it. It was a pleasure meeting you and Baymax. I’ll come around if I need help.” Tadashi nodded at the young girl, “Good. I’ll hold you to it, then.”

Professor Callaghan chimed in as he looked towards his protege with an approving expression, “Well, we’ll leave you to it, Mr. Hamada. Keep up the progress. You’re making great strides. Good luck on your project.”

“Thanks, Professor Callaghan. See you around, Karmi! As you could see, I have a lot of work ahead of me. So if anything, you know where to find me!” They all waved farewell to each other as Tadashi slowly closed the door to his private lab.

As they walked down the hall together, Karmi was deep in thought as she processed meeting Tadashi. She finally looked up towards her professor and remarked, “62 tests? I don’t know if I’d be able to keep trying like that… He’s just… incredible.”

Professor Callaghan nodded as he hummed, “Even geniuses have to work hard, Ms. Khan. Mr. Hamada believes in his work and adheres himself to a higher standard. As I said, I only chose the best and the brightest who can shape the future. That’s why I chose you.” He looked down to the biotech prodigy proudly and fondly like a father would to his accomplished child.

Karmi was elated to hear this, shyly responding, “Thank you, Professor Callaghan. Although, I think seeing even Tadashi struggling with his robotics project didn’t exactly inspire me to consider taking up robotics…”

The dean laughed heartily, “I just wanted to show you that an interdisciplinary approach could be an interesting path less travelled. And I’d certainly enjoy having you in my class. You never know. There may come a day you’ll take an interest.”

[flutter2deceive]

Inspired by @everybodyknows-everybodydies recent ER dream posts, I figured I'd share some of my ER dreams from the past year. I text myself whatever i remember after waking up from interesting dreams so that's the grammatically incorrect format they're in lol

buffy out on the streets moving vans with her strength, timothy olyphant is a vampire and he and his vamp buddies need romano to inject blood back into his circulatory system so he can go out in daylight again, they're taunting him like "come on didn't buffy train with you for a week to be a surgeon before giving up?", idk

The coolest stop motion video ever of this ER drawing turned into a storyline, mark leaves i guess jennifer and is running down the hallway to someone and i'm curious to see if it will be susan or elizabeth, it's elizabeth but then the pov switches to susan and she continues running down the hall to the trauma coming in and she high-fives abby and it's like the main point of contact for all the friendly characters when they do something cool is to high-five, watching this whole thing run thru and have the absolute biggest look of gleeful wonder on my face, i say some very nice words and hope they make it to whoever the author/vid marker are

In a steam engine room like that titanic ep of newsradio, there were also demons, so hell??, then there was a thing about carter being gay and in love with his best friend but then he called me lisa (which is my name) but i took that to mean that it was actually dave and it was a whole thing about maura tierney's fake ex-boyfriends?, and carter was out in my parents' front yard confessing his love but he accidentally stepped in the path of a chainsaw and the top of his toe got chopped off so then he was in a wheelchair

Kerry and elizabeth talking about sandy and mark and how they dread talking to henry and ella about them without breaking down, but it's also like they're still there, and then it's kerry and mark having the same convo but it's mark talking about his dad, they're in the hospital bathroom, a scene where sandy is temping in a library at the hospital and arizona robbins also working there and the implication is that they used to date, arizona comes up to sandy's table and notices that she seems to be doing wedding planning meanwhile kerry is sitting by herself at another table, arizona is judgy about what appears to be sandy chasing a girl who's in the closet and ashamed, sandy explains that kerry doesn't know and it's a surprise which is why she has the flashmob people standing 2 deep around kerry's table so she doesn't see the minister bringing the shrubbery in (this never happens in the dream but also what?? lol), then kerry has a successful hip replacement surgery that luka performed and mark is telling everyone about it, susan and abby were just starting to feel out a relationship and were making out in the bathroom

The er hospital but housed in an amalgam of my workplace and childhood church, i guess i'm like an orderly?, corday is pregnant and examining a patient and she's like ready-to-pop pregnant but she's still insistent that she's good to work until she's 8cm dilated and she's only 6 right now, we're all like dude go up to ob now, she's doing like yoga stretches on the floor to alleviate pain but still insists she's fine, meanwhile her patient is like ???, her water breaks and romano is gonna take her up to surgery, there's a space issue at the elevators and only he can fit, me and the other orderly say we'll take her up on the gurney in the other bank of elevators, we go flying down the hall and yelling for people to move cuz mrs corday's-- "sorry, dr. corday's"-- water broke, we get stopped by a security guard who won't let us through and then stopped again cuz there's construction in the warehouse, somehow romano manages to get lizzie but me and the other orderly are locked out, go to a bar downstairs to wait and nick kroll is there and he alerts everyone at the bar to the fact that he found several fan art/fic hits for "nick kroll/luka kovac" on the company's subreddit, he seems oddly intrigued, how weird of a pairing

In the future, there are no doctors because they're all burnt out from covid so healthcare in the future is just holograms of scenes from er but they're not the medical scenes they're the relationship drama stuff, alex kingston is named ceo of brain things due to her time on both er and doctor who, an interviewer asks what her favorite katy perry song is and romano answers for her, then maura tierney kicks everyone's ass at a banquet

The specifics elude me but somehow abby made it so that neela's memories of gallant's death are erased, and he's not exactly alive but also not dead, maybe she went back in time and changed something or had magic?, but neela is now texting with michael who is actually abby with his phone pretending to be him, abby is feeling really guilty for playing around with life and death and neela's feelings when she didn't have a gameplan, she ends up telling weaver she did something extremely morally questionable, now the two of them have to think thru how to handle the situation, neela is concerned now cuz michael texted that he'd talk with her at 23:00 but he hasn't called yet, then there's this really annoying intern that's pissing all the docs off, weaver starts to say something and ppl think she's gonna tell this woman off but she's like "this is an intern that's working here? She should be the hospital's lawyer", and then abby and susan smirk at each other and put on a tie? Idk but i think it's a different reality than the gallant-still-alive one

On a road trip or something and get back to abby's apartment, i may be susan but also possibly just me, we get the luggage from the car and while abby is trying to find her keys to unlock the door, we hear a noise from down the alley, the blonde woman that luka had been flirting with is near the luggage and is drunk or high, we wrestle with our conscience on whether to help her, she ends up asking to crash on the couch, abby and i get her inside and on the couch, we then end up sharing the bed and giggling

Caring for romano while he was in the hospital, mei lin from top chef is a med student and robert keeps insulting her, i think i might be corday, order a butterfinger and bottle of water from the hospital convenience store, go back to robert's room, he's muttering about the salad they brought him, i ask if he wants me to tell the nurse that he wants them to leave the salad for when he wakes from his nap, he squints up at me and smiles, says that his coping mechanism for stress is egg salad, idk

Living an ep of ER, i am susan, walking to my car alongside elizabeth, we're kinda tensely discussing when the kids will be at each of our houses for the holidays, i say let's just fuck it and join our celebrations, it's like a thing as if mark actually used to be married to susan and had a kid, don't know if it was supposed to be little suzie or rachel, elizabeth smiles unexpectedly and my heart kicks up, get in our cars and drive off, i am fumbling with a cigarette and the lighter from the car, drop them both as i'm driving down the hill out of the hospital parking lot, but now i am abby and have the season 9 hair, keep talking about this guy coworker i'm secretly seeing but it's actually susan and i'm trying to throw people off the scent, and there's something also about trixie and katya in this part of the dream but i don't remember specifically what, maybe guest star patients?

[kayincolwyn]

Whatever It Means To Be Human (Easter reflection, 4/12/2020)

As many others throughout the world have been pointing out over these last couple months, these are strange times that we're living in.

Back in December around Christmas I started getting sick, and in January I had to go to the ER for some kind of infection that was giving me a sore throat as well as a fever and headache, got a look over and a prescription for a week long course of penicillin which seemed to knock out the infection (and later got hit with a 1200 bill for that ER visit, because my insurance didn’t cover it, that I still need to pay back, which I was livid about when I first found out about it but now am trying to accept as best I can because I have bigger things to worry about). A couple weeks later I had a followup checkup (with a very sweet and very pretty nurse, so no complaints there) and I remember staff at the clinic being pretty jumpy about some virus over in China (now widely known around the world as the coronavirus, or Covid 19) that I honestly hadn't heard about before then, and they were asking me if I had traveled to China or had any interaction with anyone from there, and of course I said no, and I remember being kind of annoyed by their jumpiness at the time. Well, needless to say, now I can see why they were being so jumpy.

I've had some kind of bug or another off and on since then, like a lot of people do in the wintertime, but because of, well, 'everything that's going on' (a phrase I've been using and I've heard a lot of people using lately, like it's become some kind of collective cultural meme) I find myself worrying much more than usual about a little cough or stuffy nose or feeling a little under the weather. At first, like a lot of people, I thought this was no big deal, that it would be another of those diseases that infected a few people but would be quickly contained, and then when that didn't happen I thought, like a lot of younger folks, that I would be fine and just needed to worry about older folks that I care about, but now I know that I could potentially be taken out by this virus too, and even at the ripe old age of 37, so now I worry about myself as well as others, and I admit that, while I’m trying to be brave, part of me is scared.

Even with that worry and anxiety, and with the whole world changing so drastically in just a matter of weeks, I'm still working (with the realization that janitorial work has more value than perhaps I initially thought or felt) and still busing it to and from work and going to the grocery store as needed, while usually wearing my newly acquired neoprene half mask (with inserted filters provided by a friend) like armor, and while washing my bloody hands more than at any other time in my life, and while trying to boost my immunity as best I can with vitamins and supplements of various kinds. Strange times indeed.

I admit it's kind of odd to be considered an 'essential worker', to hear some even hailing people in my position as 'heroes on the frontline' or something like that, when for years I've felt that being a janitor was equal to being at the bottom of the totem pole, and over the years I have on occasion been made to feel less than by others because of my place on the totem pole (though to be fair I've also received my share of gratitude and kindness from others concerning my work as well, which I'm thankful for and appreciate). I mean, I don't really see myself as particularly heroic (I see doctors and nurses and other healthcare workers who are directly risking their lives in order to save others as far more heroic than myself, for example), but just as a guy trying to do his job in order to provide some service to others while also making a living, but I appreciate the validation nevertheless.

As an 'essential worker' (though even among 'essential workers' I still feel like I'm at the bottom or at least near the bottom of the totem pole), I just want to say that I feel that we all have a part to play in this world, that we all have something that we can contribute to the world, even if it may not seem like much.

Like I have seen some people online ragging on celebrities for trying to entertain others from the safety and comfort of their homes (with many of them being out of work at the moment for obvious reasons) but I would say that trying to entertain or encourage others in whatever way you can, even from a distance, can be meaningful and has its place, because we could all use a little entertainment and encouragement sometimes. I mean, for example, people out there can rag on Gal Gadot for trying to sing Imagine with a bunch of other celebrities who may or may not have any musical talent or ability in some online video, but even as cheesy and cringe-inducing as that may be, I still loved her as Wonder Woman (and through that role she has inspired many people, including many young women and girls) and I appreciate her desire, as well as the desire of everyone in that video, to uplift others in some way. Heck, even just trying to stay home as much as possible, trying to keep your distance from others, trying to be mindful of others, as she and many other celebrities as well as everyday people have been and are doing, in this time can be meaningful and shouldn't be completely discounted.

And to me it's not about being 'essential' or not, or 'heroic' or not, it's just about being human, and doing what you can to be a decent human in whatever way you can.

Of course being human is hard, as every human, no matter who they are or where they are, gets their share of suffering and sorrow in some way or another or at some time or another in their lives (though to be fair some certainly do seem to get a bigger share than others, and some comparatively less), and being a decent human is even harder, as it's often a challenge to do some good or do the right thing with all your faults and flaws and with all your limitations and shortcomings, and then going above and beyond that and being someone that most others would think of as a 'saint', well, that seems nigh impossible.

And what does it mean to be human anyway?

I guess that brings me to something that's been on my mind, and is on my mind more now what with it being Easter and having Jesus on the brain a little more than usual (hey, you can take the boy out of the Christianity but you can't take the Christianity out of the boy).

In times like this where the world is shaken up and we're in a semi-apocalyptic state of mind, where our mortality not just individually but collectively is more in question than usual, the question of what it means to be human looms large for many of us, along with those often asked questions about where we come from, why we're here, where we're going... you know, the usual fare.

Lately I've been reading some books by former evangelical Christians, including Unfollowed by Megan Phelps-Roper, granddaughter of Fred Phelps, founder of the infamous Westboro Baptist Church, as well as books by Frank Schaeffer, son of Francis Schaeffer, an influential evangelical thinker and theologian.

Being a former evangelical Christian myself who is trying to find his way after questioning and deconstructing and for the most part walking away from that way of seeing and operating in the world, I can resonate with much of what they have to say and share, like the pain and loneliness there is in walking away from a community that you can no longer agree with to try and find your own path, or how with freedom to think for yourself comes an uncertainty that you have to get used to because now it's on you to decide what you will believe and where you will stand rather than just following what others have taught you or told you, or the mixed feelings about who you were and where you were when it wasn't all bad and it's part of who you are today and even while you don't want to, and really can't, go back, you're still grateful for it somehow.

And in their books they both wrestle with what it means to be human, what it means to be a good person, with the value of life and the value of love, because those questions and concerns still matter to them whether God or some higher power exists or not, just as they still matter to me on some level.

I've also been thinking a bit about Fred Rogers, better known to the world as Mister Rogers, the widely beloved children's TV host, after watching the recent film which stars Tom Hanks as Rogers, A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood, as well as the documentary Won't You Be My Neighbor?, and listening to a podcast about him called Finding Fred.

My late friend Erin McCarty was a big fan of Fred Rogers (I even sent her this Mister Rogers t-shirt that I found at a thrift store which she wore proudly in some of her photos on Facebook) whom she saw as a real saint, and she was far from being alone in thinking of him as one. Fred Rogers was one of those people who seemed to go above and beyond just being a decent human, as he was by all accounts a highly exceptional human, who, while having his share of quirks and eccentricities, more than most dedicated his life every waking hour to pursuing the good and showing love to others (and most especially children, whom he could be thought to be the patron saint of if he were canonized as a saint I should think) and even in such a way that no one with a sound mind and clear conscience could find any fault in him.

Those closest to him knew that he at times struggled with feeling inadequate, with feeling as though he wasn't really making a difference in the world, like what he was doing wasn't enough, but even so he continued to move forward, continued to try, an artist whose art-form was kindness and empathy (or as that podcast Finding Fred put it ‘a genius at empathy’).

I remember I was talking with a friend of mine about Fred Rogers the other day and he said that he thought if there was anyone who could perhaps have been the second coming of Christ it was Rogers, and while some might think that sentiment a little sacrilegious, I think it's a testament to the respect many people have for the man's character. People may on occasion playfully mock Mister Rogers for some of his mannerisms, for the way he talked or dressed or otherwise expressed himself (though of course much of that was for the sake of the children he was communicating with), but if you were to ask anyone with any sense at all they would admit that he was, if nothing else, a good man.

I guess the same could be said of Jesus, whose teachings about life and love Fred Rogers, being a Presbyterian minister who took his faith seriously (even if he was kind enough and wise enough not to push it on others as many religious folks tend to do unfortunately), sought to follow and apply to his own life as best he could. Many have parodied Jesus in one way or another over the years (in fact the next book I'll be reading just in time for Easter is Lamb: The Gospel According To Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal, which I look forward to reading as it sounds like fun) but most would agree that he was, if nothing else, a good man. Even the beloved comedy group Monty Python, most of whom were agnostic or atheist, after studying the gospels in preparation for what would eventually become their classic comedy Life Of Brian, decided against making a film where they mocked Jesus but instead made a film that mocked the church that often failed to follow his example. Instead of focusing on Jesus in the film they decided to focus on a guy named Brian who was mistaken for Jesus, following him on all of his adventures (or misadventures), while occasionally showing the real Jesus respectfully somewhere in the background (much as was done in the film Ben Hur). They said their reason for doing this was that they couldn't help but appreciate much of what Jesus said and did in the gospels, or as they said in their decidedly British way 'you can't take the piss out of it'.

As Frank Schaeffer points out in his book Why I Am An Atheist Who Believes In God (which I thought was a pretty clever title, and one I can kind of resonate with as I’m somewhere in the middle like that myself), some things that Jesus says and does in the gospels, or at least is recorded as saying and doing, don't really make sense or seem inconsistent with the general thread of kindness and empathy that can be seen in Christ's teachings, and having read the gospels at least a couple of times myself (or at least a couple of their English translations anyway, where no doubt much gets lost in translation), I would agree. He wonders if maybe some things were taken out or added in, if the writers sometimes spun some things to bolster their own point of view (which humans tend to do unfortunately), or if some things were simply a result of 'the telephone game' as it were (with most of the gospels probably being written decades after the events that they chronicle took place so that's not really out of the realm of possibility), and he may be right (as much as many Christians out there, especially the more fundamentalist among them, who may believe that scripture is infallible and inerrant, would hate to admit it).

But whatever the case may be, there is still enough of that thread of kindness and empathy in Jesus' story and message that countless people have been inspired by it through the centuries since he was said to have lived and died (and at least according to the Easter story, risen from the dead), including people like Fred Rogers, and also including people like Megan Phelps-Roper and Frank Schaeffer or myself, who even though they no longer identify as Christian still see some value in Jesus’ example and teachings, or at least as they now interpret them.

Many still seek to follow that example and apply those teachings today, including in these very strange, and very difficult, times, trying to walk a path of kindness and empathy when the world seems to be falling apart. I can't really say for sure how much I'm doing that myself, walking that path, with all of my faults and flaws and limitations and shortcomings, but I would like to think or hope that I manage to do a little good each day and get things right at least on occasion.

The truth is though that many of us, including me, feel as though we don't measure up to the standard that someone like Jesus sets (or at least appears to set when you read about the kind of life he led), or even to the standard of someone like Fred Rogers. It just seems nigh impossible to meet that kind of standard. I mean I can't really speak for everyone who struggles with this, but I know that I have often struggled with wondering if I'm good enough, have debated whether I'm making a difference in the world, and have had doubts about whether I am even a decent human, let alone a saint. I feel like I fail or fall short in some way or another every day, feel like I don't care enough, don’t give enough, don't live big enough or love deep enough. Maybe some of my family and friends who see more in me than I see in myself might argue with me on this, but it's still how I feel sometimes, or even much of the time, and is a daily internal struggle for me.

But hearing about Fred Rogers, who some half jokingly (but also half seriously) would call the closest thing to a second coming of Christ that they can think of, having similar struggles gives me some perspective and comfort though, and it makes me wonder if even Jesus himself had such struggles, even if they may not have be written about, even if they were only written in his own heart, as blasphemous as the thought of someone whom many claim and believe to have been the Son of God, or even God in human form, actually struggling with feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt may be, but blasphemous or not that thought gives me a strange kind of comfort.

I remember in reading the gospels one of the parts of Jesus' story that resonated most with me was him wrestling in prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane before he was arrested. Just imagining him being scared and uncertain and agonizing in the dirt and just being, well, more human like me, because I've been there too, is somehow encouraging, because if that's God, or a representative of God, or even just a very good man, maybe it's okay for me to be scared and uncertain and to agonize in the dirt too, because maybe I'm not alone in that.

One of the things that Fred Rogers is famous for saying is 'I like you just the way you are'. In the podcast Finding Fred, the podcast host, who greatly admires Fred Rogers, sometimes expressed struggling with that idea, being a black man who has experienced a lot of racism, and also being someone who has been mistreated in a lot of ways by others throughout his life, he wondered how he could like someone just as they were when, well, there was so much wrong with some people out there. One of his guests on the show, another admirer of Fred Rogers, suggested that what Rogers meant by 'I like you just the way you are' wasn't that everyone was perfect in every way, nor that everyone's words or actions or choices should be condoned, let alone praised, or that people didn't need to learn or grow in different ways, but rather that underneath all the dirt and the muck of our imperfection, our imperfect words and actions and choices, and no matter how deeply buried, there is something of value, something of worth, some spark of the divine in us, which can never be completely destroyed, and no matter how much others, or even we ourselves, may try to.

Of course, much like the host of the podcast, many of us struggle with seeing that that is true of those whom many of us would call 'monsters', the murderers and abusers and tyrants of this world, the worst of the worst if you will, but then it appears that Rogers was able to look at people even like that and see something of value and worth in them, seeing something of beauty beneath all of the ugliness, or at least the potential for it anyway.

I think of another man that many could think of as a saint, named Daryl Davis, who is a black man that has made it his mission to try to befriend members of hate groups, including members of the KKK, not in a concerted effort to convert them to his way of seeing things necessarily but simply to give them something to think about through their just knowing him. He has helped many to walk away from the KKK and other such groups simply by extending the hand of friendship to them, and he challenges others to try to break down divides by seeing the humanity in others, including those who are different from us, or even those who hurt us or frighten us.

I also think of Fred Phelps, who was the founder of the infamous Westboro Baptist Church, and who has become an icon of religious hate to many, and what his granddaughter Megan wrote about him in her memoir Unfollowed, how even though to most people he was a terrible human being, even a monster, to her he was her 'Gramps', whom she loved dearly even if looking back she knows that he got a lot of things wrong, and she spoke of how towards the end of his life when he was falling into dementia that he softened considerably, and even to the point that his own church effectively excommunicated him and abandoned him in a retirement home, where Megan and her younger sister Grace, who had recently left the church (and at great personal sacrifice to themselves), snuck in without permission from their family to see him one last time, and Megan says he was mostly lucid at that time, and instead of reproaching them for having left the church he only expressed his love for them in the end. It seems that at the end of his life Fred Phelps didn't cling to his dogma and hate so much as his relationships and love, which is encouraging.

Fred Rogers (the other Fred if you will), whom Fred Phelps himself often mocked as 'a wuss and an enabler of wusses' among other things, even going so far as to protest at his funeral, would have been proud I think that Phelps had come so far at the end, and I am sure he would have said to him 'I like you just the way you are' and I think the humanity buried even in someone like Phelps was what Rogers was pointing to by saying that to everyone he encountered.

Frank Schaeffer spoke of his mother, Edith Schaeffer, in his book Sex, Mom, and God, in much the same way, even going so far as to say that even being straitjacketed by the limitations of her religion and its dogma she was a force of nature and he could see her humanity shine through throughout her life, especially towards the end when, as Fred Phelps did, she softened, and said that ultimately she was better than her beliefs, or that something in her, her humanity, rose above that.

And maybe that humanity, or that divine spark, or whatever you want to call it, was also what Jesus was pointing to and trying to call out, and whether that be in the everyman on the street, or in the seemingly irreparably damaged people that you may find in prisons (or even sometimes in governments) or even among the religious who can get so mired in their ideology and self-righteousness as to forget that spark within them or in others.

It may seem nigh impossible, if not flatly impossible, to live up the standard of what many of us think of as saviors or saints, but I think of a scene in A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood where Roger's wife Joanne says that 'Rodg' (as she affectionately called him) wouldn't want people to think of him as a saint, as he believed that anyone and everyone could walk the path that he walked, or at least tried to walk, and in their own special way.

I also think of how Jesus said to his disciples that they would do even greater things than him, which when you think of the kind of example that someone like Jesus set, namely one where you are willing to die for what you believe in and stand for, that seems like a pretty tall order, but it makes me wonder if, as controversial as this may be and contrary to popular and widespread religious opinion that has been built up around him for centuries, maybe Jesus wouldn't want us to think of him as a savior anymore than Fred Rogers would want us to think of him as a saint, because maybe instead of putting them up on pedestals we're meant to try and follow their example as best we can.

I remember one of the guests in the Finding Fred podcast saying that maybe instead of just looking back on Rogers and his example with admiration and nostalgia, we could also try to be like Fred Rogers ourselves, much as those who seek to follow the way of Jesus (which Rogers himself was trying to follow) instead of just looking back can try to be like him as much as they are able, and in their own special way.

With it being Easter today as I post this, I honestly don't know whether or not Jesus rose from the dead, heck I am not even one hundred percent sure if he even existed (as there are those who argue that he didn't, even if most historians would agree that he did, though most of them think that most of what was written about him was just fanciful legend that was built up around him, which may or may not be the case, because none of us can really know for sure on that since we weren't there, and unless we invent time travel or something it will continue to be a matter of faith, and faith alone), but then I am willing to keep something of an open mind about it, and even with where I am now I can still understand why many look to Jesus as a symbol of hope and the love of God, and why people see something meaningful in the story of his life, death, and resurrection because even if it may not be literally true (and again on that front it is a matter of faith), that doesn’t mean it isn’t mythically true. Whatever the case, I believe that his example and message of kindness and empathy lives on (even if one has to dig through a number of inconsistencies and mistranslations to find it), much as Fred Rogers’ similar example and message lives on.

And I guess this brings me back to 'everything that's going on', and the question of what it means to be human.

One of the things that a lot of people have been saying through this crisis that all of us in the world are facing is that 'we're all in this together' and I think it's safe to say that there's nothing quite like a pandemic to remind us of how much we value our relationships when we are having to keep our distance from others, including those we love, for our good and theirs, and when we are fearing for not only our own health and our own life but also for the health and lives of others.

I recently watched the film Contagion, which came out about ten years ago, and many are seeing it as eerily prophetic as much of the film parallels what is happening now, but one of the underlying messages of that film, as one of my favorite Youtubers, Like Stories Of Old, pointed out, is how much our relationships matter, how much those connections that can so easily be taken for granted matter, when we are faced with existential threats such as the one we seem to be faced with now. More likely than not, as in Contagion, this pandemic, as bad as it may get, will not be the end the world, but it is certainly shaking it up and it appears it will continue to do so for awhile, and in the midst of that all we have for sure is eachother, even if we can only be there for one another mostly at a distance and in spirit.

In A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood there was a moving scene where Rogers says concerning death and how difficult it is to talk about it that 'anything that is mentionable is manageable', and I think the same applies to the situation we are in now, we can face this and face it together, because we're not alone in this mess, not alone in the dirt, even as lonely as it may feel at times.

Our situation is also a reminder (and is another theme in Contagion) of how connected we all are, especially in this globalized world that we now live in. A friend of mine here on Tumblr was telling me in a recent message how this whole situation shows how interconnected we all are, and how every choice we make can impact those around us and can have a domino effect, even having effects, whether positive or negative, that we aren't even aware of.

What he said reminds me of this passage from the classic children's book Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster, which I finished reading for the first time just a couple days ago, where there is this exchange between the book's chief protagonist Milo, accompanied by his loyal companions Tock and Humbug, and the princesses Rhyme and Reason:

“It has been a long trip,” said Milo, climbing onto the couch where the princesses sat; “but we would have been here much sooner if I hadn’t made so many mistakes. I’m afraid it’s all my fault.” “You must never feel badly about making mistakes,” explained Reason quietly, “as long as you take the trouble to learn from them. For you often learn more by being wrong for the right reasons than you do by being right for the wrong reasons.” “But there’s so much to learn,” he said, with a thoughtful frown. “Yes, that’s true,” admitted Rhyme; “but it’s not just learning things that’s important. It’s learning what to do with what you learn and learning why you learn things at all that matters.” “That’s just what I mean,” explained Milo as Tock and the exhausted bug drifted quietly off to sleep. “Many of the things I’m supposed to know seem so useless that I can’t see the purpose in learning them at all.” “You may not see it now,” said the Princess of Pure Reason, looking knowingly at Milo’s puzzled face, “but whatever we learn has a purpose and whatever we do affects everything and everyone else, if even in the tiniest way. Why, when a housefly flaps his wings, a breeze goes round the world; when a speck of dust falls to the ground, the entire planet weighs a little more; and when you stamp your foot, the earth moves slightly off its course. Whenever you laugh, gladness spreads like the ripples in a pond; and whenever you’re sad, no one anywhere can be really happy. And it’s much the same thing with knowledge, for whenever you learn something new, the whole world becomes that much richer.” “And remember, also,” added the Princess of Sweet Rhyme, “that many places you would like to see are just off the map and many things you want to know are just out of sight or a little beyond your reach. But someday you’ll reach them all, for what you learn today, for no reason at all, will help you discover all the wonderful secrets of tomorrow.”

While I think the main themes of The Phantom Tollbooth are the value of education as well as how you see and experience the world around you, I think this passage could also be applied to how we learn how to live and love, and how you follow a path of kindness and empathy.

It's a process to be sure, and we will all make mistakes along the way, but as Reason says, we can learn more from being wrong for the right reasons than being right for the wrong ones, and trying to apply what we've learned as best we can and holding onto our reasons for doing so is just as important as what we learn. And there's a purpose to it, to living and loving as best we can, and it can impact the world around us, it can be like a ripple in a pond that spreads out in ways we can't know or even imagine, and who knows, maybe it will take us to places that we couldn't have even dreamed of...

Maybe that's something to try remember whenever we get discouraged (and I know I do plenty, as I’m sure most of us do), much like Fred Rogers did, and perhaps even Jesus did, and when wondering whether or not we have cared enough or given enough or lived enough or loved enough, that even seemingly little things can have a great impact and can actually make a real difference in the world.

In Fred Rogers' last television appearance after 9/11 he spoke of how his mother said in times of crisis that you should "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.” I remember in the Finding Fred podcast they pointed out how in that message he was speaking to the children who are now grown ups themselves, the ones who had watched his program as they were growing up, and he was pointing to their own humanity, to that divine spark within them, and calling them to become those helpers themselves.

Even in that instance Rogers struggled, as he was so shaken by the enormity of the events of 9/11 that he felt that nothing he said could really help, and yet many, including myself at the time, even not being as familiar with Fred Rogers then as I am now, as I hadn't really watched his show growing up myself (I was more of a TMNT and Transformers kind of kid back in the 80s), were encouraged by what he had to say, and it made an impact, it made a difference. It helped.

And we can help too in our own way, and even if we too may feel shaken up by the events of our own time, these strange times that we're living in, we too can make an impact and a difference, we can help in some way, and however small and inconsequential what we may have to offer may feel, and whether it may feel decent or good or 'essential' or 'heroic' enough or not, we can help, and even if we may not know that we are helping.

As far as the answers to some of those big questions, like where we come from, why we're here, and where we're going, honestly I'm not sure what the answers may be, I mean I have some guesses, but I don't know with absolute certainty (and I'm having to learn to live without that anyway, even as I try to look forward with some hope and look back with some gratitude), but whatever it means to be human, I think it may have something to do with doing what you need to do even when you're worried and scared, with trying as much as you can to lift up others when they're down or maybe even when you're down, with the value of life and of love, with not being alone in the dirt, with seeing some measure of value and worth in jaded and cynical adults as much as you may see it in children, with extending the hand of friendship, and maybe even to those that are different from you, or looking for the humanity even in those that hurt and frighten you, with somehow loving those that others may only see as irredeemable monsters, with seeing the light in someone even if they are held back by things that limit and hem them in, with not insisting that others put us up on pedestals whenever we do some good or get something right but that they try to do the same themselves as best they can just as we are trying to do, with learning and growing in every way we can, with facing difficult times together, with trying to encourage and support and help one another, and even as imperfect as we may be and are. Maybe it has something to do with all of that.

I hope that we'll get through these strange times, that we'll not only survive them but that this may also push us to change some things for the better, that this will push us forward somehow, through death towards resurrection, that this will remind us of our humanity, that spark within us, and while I don't really know why we are in these strange times, or why 'everything that's going on' is going on, really I do hope that in the end it will move us a little closer to finding out, both for ourselves and for eachother, what it means to be human.

[bearsfakedthemoonlanding]

Family Stuff

[CW: family turmoil, drug mention, alcohol mention, talk about what could go wrong when i come out, transphobia later on when I start talking about my dad]

I don’t know if my accidental gap year was beneficial or detrimental for all of this.  On one hand, it was absolute hell on my mental health.  A real bad year, for sure.  Lots of exhaustion and panicky feelings and drinking and the classic family “picking up the pieces after my grandmother loses her shit and my mom starts to fall apart” game.  Started taking anti-anxiety meds and relying on them pretty heavily (which isn’t by itself a bad thing, but as someone who has now shown he can function really damn well without them, a little concerning). 

Then again, I got really close to my parents.  Not in quick bursts, like I started to during college breaks when I returned home, but functionally.  For over a year we were living with each other and interacting on an adult level, not a high school level.  It was nice. 

My mom and I always had a pretty close relationship, besides the few month spat immediately after my coming out.  But the gap year really gave me the chance to get close to my dad again in a way I haven’t felt much since before puberty.

It was nice.  I grew much closer with my maternal grandparents (grandfather and step-grandmother, grandmother on that side is a wound that I’m not sure is ever going to scab over properly).  I got to know my little cousin, and felt less like an alien around my aunts and uncles on my father’s side.  Really started to feel like a grown up. 

I like the connections I made there.  I like feeling something a bit deeper than “well, we’re Related,” y’know?  I also earned myself a bit of merit by how I behaved while there.  I was working two jobs and keeping constantly busy, doing a lot of farm work for my dad.  I earned a good bit of respect for not being a bum. 

And now I’ve moved out, and almost immediately started transitioning.  I don’t know if the connections I made are strong enough to survive this.  Am I putting everything in jeopardy?  Obviously what matters here is personal happiness.  We live in an individualistic society, and I’m certain that these are the choices that feel most comfortable.  I won’t be uncomfortable for the sake of my family, not in regards to this.  This is mine.  In a perfect world, they’d support me. 

When I was a young gay teen and everything had started going to hell around me (myself included), and then further when I was a young gay adult in college far far away from my family, I was convinced there would be some Grand moment.  Some big blow up.  The Fight I’d been waiting for.  

My mother didn’t let me come out verbally to everyone.  She couldn’t really control what I did with my hair or clothes anymore, couldn’t curb my behavior when I only saw her three months out of the year.  But the fact that I was gone so much made it harder to do anything rash.  If I came home for Christmas, and I came out, and then I left, it wasn’t my problem to deal with.  It was hers.  I couldn’t do that to her. 

But homosexuality (or, as it would be, bisexuality), was something that could be tucked away.  I could date and explore and it could all be a careful little secret.  I figured the big blow would come when I married, when I invited my entire family and nobody showed.  I’ve been making peace with that.

But this.  This isn’t some secret.  There’s plausible deniability in a gender non-conforming kid who never brings home a boyfriend and acts a little off.  “She’s so quirky.”  You know. 

There’s no plausible deniability in a deepened voice and different shaped body and facial hair.  There’s no plausible deniability in becoming a man.  

Maybe it won’t be fast.  Maybe it won’t be immediate.  I was a late bloomer anyways, I don’t know what my testosterone timeline will look like.  But I know the changes are coming, and when I start looking the way I want, it’ll be strange to still use those words.  Niece. Daughter. Girl. My birthname can stay, I don’t mind, but she/her?  It’ll finally make everyone else as uncomfortable with it as I’ve felt for a long time. 

There’ll be no more plausible deniability. 

What will the extended family think?  Will they tut and be disturbed but polite (passive aggressive), or will they ban me outright?  “Don’t tell IT when family christmas is.” Motherfucker it’s on Christmas.  It’s always on Christmas, aunt Carol, what the fuck? 

More concerning, what will my father think?  

I think my mother and I will survive this.  It’ll hardly be the first time I’ve surprised and disturbed her.  I’m her only child, and I’ve always been a terrible handful. My entire childhood I was too emotional, too sensitive, I was constantly sick, I was rough-and-tumble and always in some sort of a cast for breaking something.  I was weird.  And then I was goth, and then I was gay, and my mother has eventually come to terms with all of this. 

She’ll either break down and, slowly, we’ll fix ourselves again, or she’ll have seen this coming.  Or both.  Or neither.  I think she’s as unpredictable as I am, actually. 

But my dad is loudly morally opposed to all of this.  I don’t know what he thinks Galatians 3:28 actually MEANS, but he’ll quote every other bible verse he can find (and everything his shitty, stupid pastor feeds him) before considering this might be something bigger.  Might be beyond the bible, or even allowed by it.  Might not be half-bad.  He thinks trans people shouldn’t get healthcare, thinks it shouldn’t be allowed.  Thinks it’s an american right to discriminate against us.  Thinks the bathroom thing is bullshit, thinks we’re asking for it. 

He also thinks we shouldn’t be attacked, shouldn’t be beaten or killed, but he’s always been more of an “all sins hold the same weight” sort of man.  He’s absolutely against it.  

I don’t know what I’ll do to make this all okay.  I like getting along with him.  I like bonding, and making him proud.  I spent the past year doing “boyish” activities with him.  I never let him take me hunting, sure, but we went shooting and we built shit, we put gates in the ground and hauled lumber and did electrical work and plumbing and we wrestled and threw hay and drank beer, 

and I’m so fucking scared that I won’t be able to do any of those things as his son, instead of his daughter.

Then again, I don’t anticipate living at home ever again.  I’ll visit, if they let me, but I’m on my own now.  Maybe it won’t matter.  Maybe i won’t ever stay long enough to notice those things are missing.  Maybe I should just be grateful for the year that I had, and let that be.  

There’s really no use fretting about it before it happens.  My transition will continue, and my family will respond however they choose, and I’ll be strong enough to deal with whatever the fallout may be.  We’ll get there. 

I am. Beyond grateful that I’m doing this as a young adult, and not a teenager, or an undergrad.  Wish I’d figured out my identity younger, wish there’d been less uncertainty, but I can’t imagine facing down these decisions at fifteen.  

To the kids who are figuring this out young, you are impossibly brave.  I’m inspired by you.  I look up to you.  I wasn’t that strong as a teen.  It’s sad that so many of you have to be strong like that. 

These are just thoughts for the day.  I’ll read this after I’ve told them the truth, see how many of my fears have blossomed or died.  Boyhood is weird, but not in a bad way.

Sorry dad.

[humboldtfog]

Years of depression has prepared me very well for the current state of affairs which is weird but whatever here’s a list of my faves on netflix, if I’m missing something let me know cause now’s the time, right?

I'm kinda embarrassed by how long this list is but also kinda like fuck that, there have been very long periods of time where it was either sit and watch shows all day or lie down and stare at the wall in silence all day so I chose the former and it adds up and there's nothing wrong with that.

Glow (Badass ladies learn to wrestle, great 80s aesthetics and grrrrl power.)

Our Planet (Netflix version of Planet Earth, beautiful, cute, terrifying that we aren’t doing more to save us all.)

Bojack Horseman (Hilarious and “deep” critique of LA and celebrity culture for people who don’t care about LA or celebrity culture. Also very funny visual jokes about how if animals were also kinda humans, and lots of great jokes about cliches and tropes, puns, and weirdly rhyming and alliteration? I don’t know how to explain it just watch it.)

Father Brown (BBC, based on mystery novels about a priest who always meddles in police business and solves murders in his small English countryside town.)

Pose (The Ball scene in NY in the 80s, poc queer and trans writers and actors bringing their people’s stories to life. So much joy, so much beauty, but also NYC in the 80s so you will cry.)

Paris is Burning (Documentary made during the Ball scene Pose is based on.)

Sex Education (Such empowering representations of all walks of gender and sexuality, and actually very educational, like I would straight up show this in schools because everyone would be very entertained and would learn a lot more than they teach in a lot of schools.)

What Happened Miss Simone (Documentary about Nina Simone’s life, music and the activism the establishment/ government worked to suppress and used to blacklist her.)

Night on Earth (Low light camera technology has gotten hella good and they’re starting to learn stuff about animals’ behaviors at night that they’ve never been able to study before.)

Call the Midwife (Follows stories from the midwives that worked in the East End of London after the war, based on memoirs. Interesting look at the kind of life of poverty people led before there were many large hospitals or birth control, right as the British were implementing their universal healthcare program.)

The Great British Baking Show (Everyone’s so nice and everything looks so good!)

Atypical (Dramady about a high schooler with autism and his family, very funny and great representations of autism and how to be a good dude.)

Parks and Recreation (Just very funny and everyone knows it. Amazing ensemble cast, and they still keeps in touch through a group chat awww doesn’t that say something!)

Kim’s Convenience (Canadian comedy about family of first and second gen Korean immigrants that’s just a really solid funny modern day sitcom.)

Queer Eye (I feel like if everyone in this world could get a life makeover from these guys we just wouldn’t be here right now.)

Obvious Child (Jenny Slate accidentally gets pregnant and gets an abortion. It’s funny and it’s realistic, we’re not all Juno.)

Maria Bamford: the Special Special Special (Rad lady comedian not afraid to talk about her mental health and lack thereof and very vocal about the stigma surrounding mental health problems and I very much relate to. My favorite standup probably ever. I could make a list just for standup so message me if you’d like more suggestions.)

Monty Python (Flying Circus, movies, doc, ect. “The Beatles of comedy” is the cliche but it's true.)

Easy (Very unconventional non-narrative structure and editing, following random people in Chicago in a very real life feeling way. Different story each episode, but sometimes characters show up briefly in each other’s lives or return for a second episode.)

Everything Sucks! (High school nerds and lesbians and theater geeks in the 90s! I’m so sad this only got one season I rewatched it recently and it’s just so solid.)

She’s Gotta Have It (Revival of Spike Lee’s first movie, black girl magic, art world, gentrified New York, lots of sex.)

The Office (Classic, holds up very well, totally solid throughout, worth a rewatch. Also if you're a fan Jenna Ficher and Angela Davis are doing a rewatch podcast jsyk.)

Billy on the Street (Mindless game show for laughs, amazing gay comedian runs around New York yelling questions at them. I watch this with my dad and he can’t help but snort even when it’s “inappropriate” or “juvenile” so you know it’s good.)

Good Girls (Some lower middle class family ladies that are all about to be broke decide to rob the grocery store one of them works at, but they accidentally cross a gang that stored their cash there, so they gotta pay it back, and of course can’t help but get deeper and deeper into it. Very suspenseful like your heart rate will go up and stay up. )

Arrested Development (It’s just funny, as you've probably heard, but I'm telling you it just really is.)

The Laundromat (Tells the stories of a few of the people involved in the panama papers in different ways, explains in an entertaining way how money laundering works in a way that made it mostly make sense even to me. The rich get richer, and Meryl Streep is here to tell them to fuck off and pay their taxes.)

Russian Doll (She keeps dying and coming back to the same moment over and over and can’t figure out how to stop the cycle or why so kinda sci fi, very suspenseful, big cliff hanger ending, or rather no ending, and just found out season two filming is delayed because virus which is very annoying!!)

Dear White People (Show picking up where the movie left off, after a frat hosts a black face party and the ivy league college is forced to deal with racism.)

Dolly Parton’s Heartstrings (Stories based on Dolly songs. Very Hallmark channel, you will cry.)

Episodes (Show about two British writers making a version of their BBC show for American tv. Kind of meta, very funny, Matt LaBlanc plays himself and it's great.)

Dumplin’ (Fat girl grows up with a beauty pageant winning mom and enters one herself with the help of her late aunt’s Dolly Parton drag queen friends.)

Lunatics (Chris Lilley is the best character actor ever, all his shows are just him playing different parts and you seriously forget it’s all one actor, even when he’s playing teenage girls.)

Jane the Virgin (Prime time soap opera about a girl who is engaged and waiting until marrige and is accidentally inseminated with the only sperm sample of a man who’s had cancer so decides to keep the baby, very heavy on the soap opera cliches in a meta way but also that’s what it is. So good at first but after the first three or so seasons it gets too much tbh though.)

Zumbo’s Just Desserts (Australian Bake show but with just sweet stuff and pressure to be avant garde.)

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (Jerry Sienfeld goes out with funny people to coffee and lunch in fancy cars and they have funny conversations.)

One Day at a Time (Very very cheesy laugh track sitcom, like the kind of thing my grandma would watch, but it makes me so happy it’s doing a great job eplaining really woke concepts like queer pronouns and ptsd and addiction and white privilege to people like my grandma!)

Orange is the New Black (Good stories about very diverse characters, I’d say by starting it off about a upper middle class white girl it tricks privileged white people into watching and then encountering the more realistic stories of women who go to prison and how the system treats prisoners. Ending of season two is super solid and you can stop it there, season three is a really great critique of the privatization of prisons. I admit it goes on and on to the point that it’s stressful and after watching it spread out over years I can’t remember/ keep up with all the different story lines, though they’re all good stories to tell.)

Space Jam (Just saw while scrolling for more ideas this was added! One of the greatest sports movies of all time obviously.)

Bonus amazon prime shows, I try to avoid Amazon in general but these are just too good if you know a prime member who you can't convince not to give their money to amazon so they might as well give you their login (like yer dad).

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (A 1950s New York upper class Jewish house wife gets dumped and starts doing stand up, so funny, great actors, and they seriously transform NY back into another era.)

Good Omens (Mini series based off Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman’s satirical novel about the biblical apocalypse, very funny, very smart, very British, does the book pretty solid justice.)

There are other decent things that aren’t included, I’d say these are solid recs for a general list of genres all over the map without letting it get to a ridiculously unhelpful length. I feel like I’d be good at the “if you like this then you’ll also like…” so let me know if some of these are your favorites too and want personal recs for what to watch next based on a brain instead of an algorithm.

If you want to have a remote date and watch things together on video chat or one of those watch party sites or just tell me what to watch next here’s some stuff on my list I’ve been curious about or not sure about or don’t want to watch alone or have been putting off, and now’s the time right?: Strangers Things, I Am Not Okay With This, Black Panther, The Betty White doc, John Mulaney Snack Lunch Bunch, Dead to Me, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs, A Wrinkle in Time, The Little Prince, Maniac, Wet Hot American Summer reboots, and a bunch of different standup specials from comedians I like.

[narendur]

Sometimes I wish my dreams were less intense

I had this long-ass dream last night (below cut. Contains dystopia, zombies, action stuff, AI, a throuple, and a happy ending).

A dude guy is dissatisfied and spends a lot of time chatting with his house manager AI. One day a lady smashes thru his dining room window. She collapses with relief at escaping the copbots and they end up chatting, she politely asks to use the shower quick.

He wrestles with calling the cops on her and heavily talks to HM about it; decides not to just as she comes out of bathroom - she overhears and is snarky but grateful. HM clarifies that he is only partly connected to uplink, has made things private to protect dude guy’s conversations, as HM is doing more than he should by program. Lady is safe. She is v grateful about that.

They continue to hang out sometimes (particularly after missions lol) and have like, tea and stuff. She is really cagey about where she works. Reveals last name (‘work and lineage’ name) and he is baffled - she explains it’s just a cultural thing. He asks which one he should call her and she laughs.

One day she’s got a weird look in her eyes and asks if he’d like to meet her boss. He says yes, and they make arrangements for the boss to come over. Boss (Madame(?)) comes over, they make tea. Dude guy tries to cook for the first time, makes plain lentils (which he dislikes) and soggy pasta. Just as ladies are about to show him how to make better food, HM alerts them the police are closing in.

They leave real quick, thru the living room window. Dude guy grabs his target practice bb gun. They’re on a skyscraper - use the plastic window curtain to stretch down to the road. At this point 2 drones come around side of room and they start running. Lady and HM are giving dude guy pointers on how to dodge shadow to shadow, but he’s kind of just running flatfooted down the middle of the street.

When they run into a zombie, lady says, “they can be useful diversions, but if they get close to you just kill 'em.” Then she stabs the crap out of its head with a dagger. Dude guy is upset about this because, “there are zombies!?!?!?!” She kinda ignores him and continues to run, as they’re still pursued by 2 drones.

HM talks to dude guy in his head, negotiate control of gun arm. Grabs gun aims back and shoots the small, pellet bullet - one of the drones goes down. He shoots the other down as more zombies appear and Lady angles towards the fire escape stairs of a building (shorter in this area). HM holsters gun and they run up the stairs to the roof.

Here Lady explains that the zombies are the result of a major factory accident nearly a century ago - legend says there are still people working there, but the sprawling, smoking machine doesn’t seem to do much but pollute now. Dude asks why he’s never seen or heard of this before; she explains that all windows in the inner city district are designed to show a pleasant glamour when aimed that way, and if he never really left the system available to him it’s not surprising he never saw it. He’s a bit cowed.

She then produces two grappling guns and asks if he knows how to use them - he says no. HM tells him that he knows how to use them, and that the drones will be sweeping out from their last known location, not far back. HM asks for full control of the body for the duration of the chase. Panicky, dude guy assents, starting to explain to Lady when HM takes over. HM quickly explains he factory reset the apartment when they left and jumped to dude guy’s tracking implant, disarming the tracker. Lady sighs with relief and hands over a grappling gun.

They fly rooftop to rooftop to nearly the edge of the city. Behind them, the drone sweepers fully lose their trail, just sweeping in slowly larger and larger circles. HM nods to Lady and steps back from body control. Dude guy is surprised by the electric-y shield wall they are facing, and looking back sees it is a massive dome, enclosing the inner city, outer city, and factory. “Has this always been here? What’s it keeping out?” Lady shakes head and produces a small device (studfinder shaped?), and says, “not out, in.” Then holds device up toward wall and 'scifi noise’ wall opens a hole in it.

“This will alert the system, we need to get through now. Come on!” She shoots grappling hook through hole and grabs him, saying, “hold on!!!” He clings to her waist.

 They sail thru and the breach closes behind them. We are met with a significantly greener city - still apartment buildings and streets, but mostly smaller, and no where near as gritty as the city inside the dome. One large skyscraper rises above the others - the lady points it out; “Thats my work. We should head there. They’ll be able to help get you dechipped and set up with somewhere to stay and stuff. Also then we can finish tea with the Madame.”

They drop down to the street, (“Aren’t there zombies here???” “No silly, that’s what the wall is for.”) and walk through a neighborhood to the skyscraper.

Arrive at skyscraper, lady takes him to receptionist and helps him fill out the forms; name, age, etc. They also explain to the attendant that there is an AI identity on his microchip right now and that if possible they’d like to provide a stable body for HM. Attendant says she’ll see what she can do. Lady says she needs to go get out of her work stuff and cleaned up and she’ll be back.

Dude is nervous in waiting room - HM soothes him. They go in for surgery before the lady arrives - he gets a quick check up and put into the healthcare system, and then it’s a very simple quick procedure, with only a local analgesic and some tweezers under the skin on the back of his neck. They wipe the chip down and wrap it up, telling him to take good care of it.

Lady is waiting outside, says that the attendant came by while he was in surgery and left a note saying where to take the chip, and also a packet with info about food and housing. She says she scheduled tea with the madame in a few weeks, and they have a place ready for him if he wants a basic income apartment, or he can browse work options if he wants. He says he’s a bit overwhelmed, and that he just wants to lie down and get his buddy out of the microchip pls and thanks. Ok she says.

They head out into the afternoon daylight, and walk down the street to a tinkerer’s shop, where she pays some money and they offer over the chip - the gal says she’s been working on a body for HM all morning and that she thinks she should be done by evening, especially with what the company is paying haha. Dude guy is protective and anxious about his buddy and kind of wants to stay, but Gal says she can send HM over to his new apartment and Lady points out that they’ll just be anxiously sitting around, and reassures that Gal will be careful. Lady and Dude leave while Gal croons motheringly over the chip.

Lady and dude go for dinner and chat, enjoying the atmosphere of a small, family owned restaurant. He tries some new food and really enjoys it, asks politely for recipe. Gets it ^_^ romantic overtones.

They head to his new apartment on foot, she hands over his key and stuff and they find it’s a similar layout as his old one, but there’ a window in the kitchen where the door was and the door is now in the living room. A noise sounds from the dining room; lady sits down while dude goes to investigate; HM is there! With a body! Reading a brochure. Sitting on the floor cuz there’s no furniture. Dude and HM embrace, and they montage outfit the house together. Romantic overtones. HM helps dude cook recipe from restaurant (food and furniture delivered). Lady swings by to help sometimes. Montage ends with the three of them seated, eating meal dude cooked. He looks happier.

They chat - it’s been a couple weeks, she’s been on jobs and such lately and v busy. Mentions they’ve got tea plans tomorrow, asks if they’re cool if she crashes on their couch for old time’s sake. Dude jokes that if she stays over any more often she’ll just be living there lol. She wiggles her eyebrows with a mouthful of food but convo moves on.

They go for tea after brekkie. They talk about art and hobbies and stuff, then the madame mentions that she could probably help him look for a job if he wants to make a bit more spending money than min. income allows; would allow purchase of different house, etc. Dude says he’ll think about it; takes some pamphlets and stuff on how to job search.

Lady, dude and HM go back to dude’s apartment, walking romantically three abreast through the nearby park. They stop at a food truck for dinner, and eat on a nearby bench watching the ducks. They arrive home in the evening.

Lady goes to bed, we see HM and Dude stay up a bit at the computer, and see him apply for a job as a cook (wage is $12.50/h!) before bed.

When lady leaves for work the next morning, she kisses Dude. We pan back and see HM raise a hand to his lips in the hallway, hesitate, then head forward and gently rest his hand on dude’s waist. Dude happily leans into him.

Song with notable lyric “I was made for loving you” plays.

Fin.

[closetofanxiety]

Beyond Wrestling: Americanrana 18

I got home after 1 a.m. today and woke up at 6 a.m. Then it was a full day of home improvement stuff. I’m tired. I’ve got ice on my bad foot. But I have some thoughts and impressions about the hottest US independent wrestling show of, uh, the month of July, at least. 

Big crowd: This was Beyond’s biggest live gate of all time, and at the same time the most-watched live stream in the young life of Powerbomb TV, AND the single event responsible for more new subscribers than anything else they’ve shown so far. At the venue, a Polish-American club in Worcester with oil paintings of the Old Country on the walls, people were berserk for almost everything that happened during the night. I don’t know how it came across on TV (or whatever, screen, I’m talking about watching it on a screen), but people were loud and excitable. Dan Barry got the biggest reaction Dan Barry has possibly ever had. People reacted to the surprise appearance of Anthony Green  like he was Mike Bailey, and they reacted to the surprise appearance of Mike Quackenbush like he was Steve Austin. It’s so much fun to be with a crowd of people who are just going nuts for professional wrestling.

Final appearance: Matt Riddle had what is almost certainly his last-ever Beyond Wrestling match, getting pinned by Nick Fuckin Gage during a tag match that pitted Gage and Matt Tremont (the New H8 Club) against Riddle and Filthy Tom Lawlor. It’s wild to think that a year ago he was putting his undefeated streak on the line in the main event at Americanrana 17, and this year he was in a mid-card tag match where he ate a pin. He’s headed for big things, though. Gage is great as the fan favorite, thanking people for willing him onto victory, and looking genuinely delighted when he got the pin. Awkward moment: the crowd, excited at the announcement that the winning team was now called “the New H8 Club,” started chanting “C-Z-Dub! C-Z-Dub!” despite Gage having gone over to bitter rivals GCW and Tremont wrestling his final CZW match on Saturday night. Just chant “Nick Fuckin Gage! Nick Fuckin Gage!” Speaking of which ...

Working blue: This was the sweariest Beyond Wrestling show I can remember for some time. They had pregame interviewers with Wrestling Social Media Personality Alicia Atout in front of a fancy Beyond/Powerbomb backdrop, and Janela and ring announcer Rich Palladino, of all people, kept using the word “fuck” like a comma. Kids in the room, gentlemen! 

Unpopular Opinion #1: I like intergender wrestling a lot, but in order for it to become a normal part of pro wrestling, promotions and wrestlers have to stop loudly drawing attention to the fact that THEY AREN’T AFRAID TO HAVE INTERGENDER WRESTLING, DAMN IT. The opening match on the show was a terrifically fun four-on-four pitting Team Pazuzu against “Team WWR”: Kimber Lee, Jordynne Grace, Mia Yim, and Skylar. It was fun and crazy, as you’d expect from that cast of characters, and Skylar did a good job of keeping up with wrestlers who are much more experienced and established than she is. But then after the match, Chris Dickinson cut a promo about how HE RESPECTS THESE GIRLS SO GODDAMN MUCH AND INTERGENDER WRESTLING IS HERE TO STAY. Good! I like that! But the more you act like it’s some remarkable anomaly, the more people are going to treat it like that. It’s just another variety of match, like tag team wrestling.

Oh, also: There was a GREAT moment in the match where Dickinson was about to give Jordynne Grace a Pazuzu Bomb, but she was saved by Kimber Lee, who then stared Dickinson down. This was a callback to the spot in Beyond years ago where Dickinson waffled Lee with a chair and then hit her with a crazy Pazuzu Bomb in a clip that went viral and gave both of them some not-entirely-wanted exposure to the wider world. The crowd, happily, recognized this immediately and went APESHIT. I loved it!

Loco spotfests: There was an announced four-way tag match with Team Tremendous, the Gentlemen’s Club, the Beaver Boys, and the recently renamed Massage Force. There was also an unannounced Chikara showcase, with Solo Darling, Fire Ant, someone working a “Dasher Hatfield’s kid” gimmick, and Quack himself against a Dungeon of Doom-esque cast of characters. Also Travis Huckabee. I honestly groaned when I heard “Chikara showcase,” but they tore down the house. Quackenbush may be a guy who talks like Darril and wants to turn wrestling into TED Talk fodder, but he’s one of the most important US indie wrestlers of all time, and I had never seen him wrestle in person before. At one point, a sea creature or maybe the Gimp or someone picked Quackenbush up by his feet and heaved him backwards over the rope, and he sailed higher and farther than any person I’ve ever seen launched out of a wrestling ring. It was just a hugely fun match, and the four-way tag managed to top it. There was no “storytelling” or “psychology” in either match, and honestly, that’s fine for a big-spectacle show like Americanrana. Just have a bunch of talented people come out and do stuff they don’t normally do in a show, and go wild.

The plot thickens: The big news from the four-way tag is Dan Barry’s betrayal of beloved partner Bill Carr (there was a loud, enthusiastic chant of “Bill Carr fucks! Bill Carr fucks!” after the big man launched himself through the ropes. “Oh my God, I love it! I love it, you guys!” he yelled back. He is like a big happy golden retriever and it’s impossible to think negatively about him). Betrayals don’t always work on the indie level, and I’ve seen my share of partners turning on partners that are greeted with shrugs by the crowd, but people went NUTS after Barry screwed over Carr. A louder, more sustained negative reaction than I’ve ever heard in Beyond. Should be a hot feud! In further plot twists, MJF was injured and couldn’t wrestle Gresham in their blowoff, so Trent was drafted as a surprise Dream Team member. The match ended in a DQ and Gresham roughed up Stokely Hathaway while MFJ watched helplessly from the outside. THIS SETTLED NOTHING. Presumably. 

Unpopular Opinion #2: I think PCO’s run as the TV veteran who has inexplicably become an indie darling is nearing its conclusion. I also think that run does not sit as well on PCO’s shoulders as it would Gangrel. It should be Gangrel out there, getting the big paydays and the crazy receptions from crowds. PCO does not have a lot in his toolbox, if I’m being honest. He had a sloppy, overlong match with Brian Cage that was full of blown spots and awkward pauses. Let’s all focus on Gangrel from now on. 

A new favorite: I’ve done a total 180 on “Hot Sauce” Tracy Williams, who used to bore me to distraction. I really like him now. I think it’s because I’ve heard him on commentary a bunch, and he reminds me of friends who lived in squats and punk houses in the 1990s but who now live in Brooklyn and have respectable jobs in the low six figures, but who are still capable of smashing a bottle in the face of a Nazi skinhead. 

Mayhem: What can I say about the main event, a no-ropes barbed wire death match between David Starr and Joey Janela, to settle a feud that’s been simmering on and off for years? It was extremely violent and bloody. It lasted 22 minutes but felt like 10. Starr won, and cut an absolutely searing promo afterward, calling Janela “a glorified stuntman” who only came to prominence because someone else made goofy Internet videos about him; seriously, it’s one of the best promos I’ve heard an indie wrestler give. Bile and bitterness from a man covered in his own blood; there would be no Triple H Handshake of Respect between these two gladiators.

Grace notes: This was the most efficiently run Americanrana I’ve ever attended. The doors were supposed to open at 6:30, and they opened EARLY. An indie show! This was good, but it trapped one of my friends outside, because he had gone to a bar, assuming it would take forever to get inside the building. I mean, he made it in eventually, he just had to wait at the back of the line ... There was a nice shoutout to Dominki Dijakovicokowiczogonov, gone but not forgotten from Beyond: during his match with AR Fox, Anthony Greene did the Feast Your Eyes and hit Dijakulakovich’s poses while the crowd chanted “Feast Your Eyes! Feast Your Eyes!” ... Chuck Taylor hit a Rainmaker during the four-way tag match and screamed “This one’s for you, Little Kazu!,” which is a reference to an ongoing Twitter joke that I’m almost ashamed to have recognized ... I bought a hat from David Starr and we talked about the need for national healthcare, which is a conversation topic that wouldn’t work with most wrestlers .... I don’t know why or how they do it, but Americanrana really feels special. Everyone seems to raise their game for the show, and the fans are really in a holiday mood. It’s not a show I ever want to miss ... The crowd went from skepticism over the Chikara wrestlers - one guy grunted, “Fuckin’ Vince Russo gimmicks” when the bad guys came out - to joyous acceptance, capped when the same guy yelled at the sea monster character, “Look at this big green bastard! How’s he able to breathe on land?” ... One of my favorite parts of the day was sitting in the bar downstairs while they broke down the ring and set up the barbed wire. Just seeing a bunch of the wrestlers relaxing and enjoying themselves, having a (non-alcoholic) drink with my friend Mike, enjoying the air conditioning on a summer night: this was a good night ... after the show, we stopped at a service plaza on the Masss Pike to get some unhealthy snacks and use the bathroom, and on our way in we passed Solo Darling. “Great match tonight,” we said. “Thank you!” she said. On our way out, we passed a much less happy Solo Darling as she walked over to the counter to give the McDonald’s people hell. “I distinctly said no cheese on ...” she began, as we hurried out. 

Final thought: There was a 20 or 25 minute break before the main event, where they set up the barbed wire and all that. Mike and I went downstairs to the bar while Mark stayed up in the hall. The first person we saw in the bar, sitting by himself at one end, was David Starr. He was hunched over a glass of water and a shot glass and staring into the middle distance, at nothing in particular. In a few minutes, he was going to walk upstairs and wrestle the most violent match of his career in front of 500 people and you could see the concern on his face as he went over the possibilities: barbed wire, steel chairs, staple guns, cinder blocks, baseball bats. One spot that goes a little sideways and someone leaves the building in an ambulance. That glimpse of David Starr brooding put the whole night - put all of wrestling, really - into perspective. This wasn’t an angle, this wasn’t a promo, he wasn’t in character: this was a man working up the courage to do something reckless and potentially dangerous because he wanted to do it more than anything in the world. It was the look of a man who has willingly taken a great weight onto his shoulders, as many of us have, or will have to one day. It was a wordless rejoinder to all those snide comments about how wrestling is fake: looking at David Starr’s face, sitting alone and being left alone by his friends and peers, his staring eyes showing exactly what he was prepared to do, one thing was clear to anyone who was paying attention - nothing is more real than wrestling.

[realjamespat]

Frank Goodish, still touching lives to this day.

On a cool winter day, I had to make a house call to Mr. S (no name for healthcare privacy).  Mr. S was in his late 60’s and he was not doing well.  He had just lost his wife.  He was getting ready to move back east to live with his daughter with the hopes his grandchildren could spark life into him.

As I sat in his home with his daughter, they got me a snack and I gave Mr. S a breathing treatment.  He was a small, frail Japanese man who was obviously in a lot of emotional pain to go along with his poor health.  He barely spoke.

I looked around the room to see if there was something I could talk to him about to try and cheer him up; an old salesman’s trick.  His bookshelf was filled with books mostly in Japanese, the country he grew up in.  About 25 years ago his company asked him to move to America to work for their San Francisco Bay Area branch and he agreed.

https://www.amazon.com/Brody-Triumph-Tragedy-Wrestlings-Rebel/dp/1550227602/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1502198043&sr=8-2&keywords=bruiser+brody

I looked and saw some wrestling magazines.  He saw that I was reading them and all of a sudden a wry smile came to Mr. S and he took the nebulizer out of his mouth and said, HUSS, HUSS!

I smiled and asked his daughter what the heck that meant and she said that her father was a big wrestling fan and that was Bruiser Brody’s famous yell when he entered the ring.  Bruiser Brody and Stan Hansen were his favorite wrestlers.  He slowly began to open up and he began to talk about Bruiser and Stan’s amazing entrances and their great skill.  Wrestling in Japan in those days was very serious business and the respectful fans of the orient had an amazing passion for it.  He said that his family and friends often went to the matches together and he was very fond of those memories.

We sat and talked for a couple of hours.  I had to come back the next day so I went home and went on Youtube.  I looked at every video I could on Bruiser Brody and I ordered the book “Brody; The Triumph and Tragedy of Wrestling’s Rebel” on Amazon.  It was written by his wife Barbara, and Wrestling Promoter and friend Larry Matysik.  Once I saw Bruiser Brody’s first entrance in Japan, my mouth was wide open.  Here they were playing Led Zeppelin’s Immigrant Song and he’s swinging a chain over his head while fans and ring workers alike ran for their lives.  I thought, “my God this is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen!”  I was a huge wrestling fan back in the day but I long since dumped it since it became the after school special type product it had become.  I was not into sports entertainment; I liked wrestling.

(below is a great Facebook group honoring Bruiser Brody)

https://www.facebook.com/groups/181147161997110/

I stayed up for hours probably watching nearly 50 videos on Frank Goodish, AKA Bruiser Brody.  The next day I went to Mr. S’s again and showed he and his daughter the Youtube videos, both in English and Japanese.  He was euphoric!  He wouldn’t stop talking saying that he was even at a few of the matches we watched.  I stayed for hours and listened to them laugh and have an amazing time reminiscing about the “intelligent monster” and the amazing fun their family had going to the matches.

When I left, Mr. S grabbed both of my hands and bowed saying he was so glad that I came by.  His daughter gave me some snacks to take home and thanked me as well.  I wished them well in their move and told them to get a hold of me if they needed anything.  That night I ate the snacks and drank Guinness watching Youtube videos of Frank doing leap frogs, drop kicks, and his classic move where standing still he would bring his leg straight up and smash his opponents face.  My jaw dropped.  I never saw anything like it.  To end it he jumped high in the air and busted his opponent with a knee.

The Myth of Bruiser Brody:

Frank Goodish was the greatest Independent Wrestler of all time and one of the greats period.  He was a spiritual man as well, and he could be complicated but the stories of him are of legend.  From his physicality and his “stiff” or “strong style”, to him carrying cans of tuna and green beans on the road.  He was mostly loved by wrestlers and hated by promoters.  I heard many positive and sometimes negative things about him but I had to find the truth.

I watched several matches with him and Stan Hansen.  It didn’t matter if the opponents were the Funk’s or whoever else, Stan and Frank ran through them like buzz saws.  There wasn’t a wasted movement and they were like a tidal wave.  They just kept coming.  After every tag team match their opponents looked like they were about ready to pass out from exhaustion, while Stan and Frank looked like they were out for a Sunday morning stroll.  These guys were like machines that never tired.  I always thought the Road Warriors or a younger Steiner Brothers were the best tag teams ever, but Stan and Bruiser Brody are the best in my mind.  I’ll bring them to the ring against anyone in history and smile while doing it.

I also heard negative stories about Frank.  I wanted to know the truth and let’s face it; other than politics, there is no arena with more lies and falsehoods than the wrestling business.  It seemed that few really knew the truth or wanted to know it for that matter.  I took about 6 months to devour anything on Bruiser Brody so I could answer these questions.

Steroids:

I’ve seen various online articles saying what a huge steroid user Bruiser Brody was, especially from younger wrestling fans and writers.  Well that is false.  Bruiser did use steroids for a short time in the late 70’s when they were NOT illegal and they didn’t know the long term ramifications of their use.  Well Frank found out quickly they made him very sick.

On a trip home from Japan Larry Matysik explains in his book that Frank crumpled and collapsed on the airplane saying that he thought he was dying.  The doctors didn’t have a definitive answer to his illness but Frank did.  He felt that steroids were destroying his body so he stopped cold turkey in 1979.  He never used steroids again and he was never that ill.  What’s funny is that in the book the promotional posters of his upcoming match was a photo of him recovering in the hospital.

The Lex Luger “no sell” incident:

Boy does Brody get destroyed online for this one.  At the time Lex Luger was still learning how to wrestle but he had that amazing physique that was becoming a big deal in the steroid era of the 80’s.  Not even 2 years into his career, he was given a steel cage match with Bruiser Brody.  It was hard for wrestlers to watch because Luger had the reputation for being pretty self-absorbed and some thought his push was not fair.

Bobby Heenan explained that Luger went up to Brody and started telling him how the match should be played out.  Several others have said that Bruiser told promoters that he was not going to put up with any of Luger’s bulls**t.  Heenan explained that Brody said nothing but it was obvious he was pretty upset.  He told Luger they would just call the match in the ring.  When he went into the ring Brody never “sold” (acted like he was hurt by punches) and the match was uncomfortable to watch as Brody did nothing.  Luger looked like he legitimately got scared and left the ring; quickly; and immediately left the arena.  This story has also been backed up in interviews and podcast’s by the referee of the match, Bill Alfonso.  When Bruiser said nothing about it, the media and fans said Bruiser was just being a selfish jerk.  The problem was though that Luger was terrible at selling; and that’s if he sold at all; and Bruiser did not tolerate anyone that was disrespectful to him or who didn’t sell to him.  To tell a legend like Frank how the match was going to go was extremely disrespectful in his mind.

Was Bruiser Selfish & Difficult to Work With?:

https://www.cagematch.net/?id=2&nr=786&page=4&s=0

MANY wrestling fans go by rumors and do little research.  That’s why I hate going on some social media sites and articles that says Brody was a jerk and was selfish.  I looked up Brody’s matches (site seen above) during this career.  It doesn’t have all of his matches but most of them.  There is a pattern.  Bruiser lost only to people that were on his level.  He even lost to Brian Blair once when he was leaving a territory and no offense to Brian but does anyone think Brian could beat Brody?  Brody lost to the likes of Baba, Bruno Sammartino, Dick the Bruiser, Big John Stud, Paul Orndorff, Ted Dibiase,  & Abdullah the Butcher just to name a few.  They all have one thing in common; IT’S BELIEVABLE they could beat him.  Brody is a HUGE draw world-wide and if he’s losing all the time, you lose that big draw, especially in Japan!  How many times did Hulk Hogan lose?  Not many.  Why?  Because he had full control over his matches AND if he lost more often, it would kill his character.  Brody knew if he kept up his huge persona and didn’t lose, the fans kept coming.

Many said Frank was loved by wrestlers but hated by promoters. Jim Cornette once said that most promoters whose territories were doing good back in the day were millionaires, and they weren’t exactly givers.  In one story he told, after seeing Jerry Jarrett’s amazing mansion at a party, Memphis icon Jerry Lawler demanded more of a stake in the Memphis territory profits from him.  Cornette said, “the promoters usually took the sacks of money and threw it into the air.  What stuck to the ceiling was given to the boys and what came down was there’s.  And that was after their unique counting techniques”.

Bruiser knew what he was worth and he had power.  Everywhere he went he packed the houses and he made a ton of money for a lot of people.  He had power and of course he used it.  Few other wrestlers were as popular as he was or had the courage to stand up to promoters like he did.

It cracks me up that when corporations or companies wield that power, no one says a word.  If the little guy tries to wield some power though, they are selfish.  NFL teams rarely honor a players contract, many times cutting players before their contract runs out.  No one says a word.  If a player is playing fantastic and wants a raise though, fans tell the player to honor the contract and stop being greedy.  In wrestling, WWE is a billion dollar company who has corporate jets and helicopters and buses, but they still can’t “afford” to pay $800/month to give their wrestlers healthcare?

Stan Hansen and Bruiser Brody with another Championship win

I heard a few podcasts from wrestlers that ripped on Brody for being selfish by not losing matches or selling.  Are you kidding me?  I just watched matches where Rick Rude, Blackjack Mulligan, Abdullah the Butcher, The Funks and Von Erich’s and many others were kicking the crap out of Frank.  Problem is it’s easier to take in rumors than do some research.  Time also enhances these rumors.  Funny how after ripping on Brody they all would add, “but I knew when Brody was around we made a lot more money because he was such a huge draw”.  Steve Austin often clashed with WWE about the direction of his character.  Once he just went home.  No one ever said he was selfish.  Frank was just way ahead of his time.

If Brody was so nasty to deal with and so selfish, why were the promoters lined up to get him to come wrestle and why were wrestlers glad that he was around?  Because he made them more money!  Also, why did he get along with other promoters like Baba, Sam Muchnick and Larry Matysik?  The reason was that they were fair and professional and they paid him properly.

The stories of Frank’s kindness haven’t exactly hit the front pages either because he didn’t promote that part of himself.  That was just who he was.  Most celebs and athletes need cameras around any time they do anything nice, but not Frank.  He loved kids and they loved him, and he was very gracious to his fans.  He supported many wrestlers and taught them the ropes.  As long as you respected him and the business, and you sold for him when needed, you were cool.  Disrespect him or the business and it could get ugly quick.  He could bully you if you were on his bad side that is for sure.  Isn’t that attitude what most promoters have? Was he looking out for himself?  Sure he was.  I’m not naïve.  But, in reality he was so popular that if he was on top, everyone got paid.  Just like iconic names like Hogan, Flair and Andre, few wrestlers at the time could draw world wide like Frank could.

Jims Jamz:

Spring forward 2 years.  I saw the daughter of Mr. S at the Corte Madera, Ca Safeway.  We were both excited to see each other.  She sadly told me that her father had died recently and she was selling his house.  She saw that I was upset about that but she smiled and said don’t be sad at all.  “My father and our family appreciated you lighting a fire inside him.  He loved wrestling so much and he and his friends reconnected.  He watched so many matches on the internet and was so happy to regain memories that he cherished.  My children also helped so much.  His last two years were very happy.”

That night I was relieved and glad to hear Mr. S had some happy times and was out of pain.  I thought of him running to Bruiser with his wife and friends like kids as Brody entered the ring, and I laughed out loud.  Bruiser Brody was still making people smile and touching lives almost 30 years after he’s passed.  And for a new fan like me, I found out that Frank Goodish; one of the greatest wrestlers of all time; was also a great man in and out of the ring.    This is something that his wife Barbara and his son Geoff; along with loyal fans from around the world; have already known for a very long time. HUSS, HUSS!

“Iconic Wrestler Frank Goodish A.K.A. Bruiser Brody; Still Touching Lives After All These Years” Frank Goodish, still touching lives to this day. On a cool winter day, I had to make a house call to Mr.

[phooll123]

New story in Health from Time: As U.S. Braces for Coronavirus to Spread, Hospitals Worry About Shortages

As doctors in the U.S. have watched Italy’s health care system buckle under the sudden strain of the coronavirus, the magnitude of the problems that could be heading their way have begun to sink in. The crises Italian medical staff have been reportedly facing — overwhelming conditions, choosing which patients get treatment, and desperately working to expand their manpower — are all things that hospitals in the U.S. could encounter if the virus continues on its path, doctors say.

“For me it flipped from, ‘This is a real concern, I wonder what’s going to happen’… to ‘Holy cow, I think we’re in trouble,’” says Laurel Fick, a residency director and an internal medicine physician at Ascension St. Vincent Hospital Indianapolis hospital, when she realized how grim the situation in Italy had grown.

As of Monday, the U.S. had more than 4,000 confirmed coronavirus cases, according to Johns Hopkins University, only a fraction of the approximately 28,000 cases in Italy. But the slow start of rolling out testing has made it impossible to know exactly how widespread the pandemic actually is in the U.S. What is clear is that the rate at which cases are increasing is similar to Italy’s trajectory. The Surgeon General said Monday that the U.S. is two weeks behind Italy.

“When you look at the projections, there’s every chance that we could be Italy,” U.S. Surgeon General Jerome Adams told Fox News on Monday.

As health care professionals watch the potential future unfold across the Atlantic, they are growing increasingly anxious that the novel coronavirus, which is particularly dangerous for the elderly and people with underlying medical conditions, could overrun the American healthcare system. As public officials and businesses try to enforce social distancing to slow the spread, hospital staff say they are concerned about shortages of specialized equipment like ventilators, hospital beds, masks and personnel. If the system grows too stretched, they worry they may ultimately have to ration health care.

For now, hospitals can only prepare for the worst. One estimate reportedly presented by the American Hospital Association predicts there could be 96 million cases of coronavirus in the U.S. in the next couple of months, with 1.9 million intensive care unit admissions, 4.8 million hospitalizations, and 480,000 deaths associated with the virus.

“We are not ready. We are not ready virtually anywhere in the country for that kind of onslaught on our health care system,” says Irwin Redlener, director of the National Center for Disaster Preparedness at Columbia University.

For instance, Redlener estimates that there are 95,000 intensive care beds in the country, but “even in the moderate attack rate of the coronavirus,” he believes there could be a need for more than double that number. He also believes the U.S. has only a “fraction” of the mechanical ventilators that could be needed, a device that will be crucial for a virus that aggressively attacks the lungs and for which there is no good substitute. A 2010 survey estimated that there were likely around 62,000 mechanical ventilators in U.S. hospitals.

The Trump Administration has slowly begun to publicly recognize the gravity of the situation hospitals and medical staff are facing. Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar acknowledged during a White House briefing on Sunday that a “pandemic like this runs the risk of exceeding our health care system capacity.”

In a sign of how difficult these resources are to come by as the pandemic spans the globe, Trump held a call with governors on Monday telling them they should seek crucial equipment on their own, according to a New York Times report. “Respirators, ventilators, all of the equipment — try getting it yourselves,” Trump reportedly said. “We will be backing you, but try getting it yourselves. Point of sales, much better, much more direct if you can get it yourself.”

Some of these supplies are available in the federally managed, secretive Strategic National Stockpile (SNS), which distributes supplies during crises like this one. On Sunday, Azar said there are “thousands and thousands” of ventilators available in the SNS, but cited national security reasons for not disclosing specific numbers of the supplies available.

Knowing their facilities cannot handle experts’ worst-case scenarios, doctors have been aggressively calling for social distancing to “flatten the curve,” or slow the rate at which the population gets infected and therefore keep the health care infrastructure from being overwhelmed. On Sunday, the Centers for Disease Control put out new guidelines recommending events with 50 or more people be cancelled for the next eight weeks, as well as events of any size where social distancing could not be incorporated.

By Monday, Trump was urging people to avoid gatherings of groups of more than ten. Several cities have now started cracking down on social life, closing restaurants and bars and asking residents to “shelter in place,” and businesses across the country have sent employees to work from home.

“I actually worry that there are a lot of individuals who are not taking it seriously,” says Avital O’Glasser, medical director for the Preoperative Medicine Clinic at Oregon Health & Science University in Portland. “I worry about the banter that people are still saying, ‘I’m going out to bars. I want to go celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. This isn’t going to affect me. I’m young and healthy. Why do I have to isolate myself?’”

If the country is unable to reduce its infection rate, the nation’s health care infrastructure will not be able to cope, and it could result in a decline of adequate care both for coronavirus patients and people suffering everyday health issues, complications or trauma, experts across the country worry.

On Friday, the American College of Surgeons released guidance on minimizing, postponing, or cancelling elective operations in the midst of the pandemic. The Surgeon General also tweeted for hospitals to consider stopping elective procedures, citing the tax it would put on personnel needed for coronavirus response. If there aren’t enough resources to provide proper continuing care to people with chronic illness, medical professionals say that in itself may also have long-term consequences in the health care system.

And while medical professionals are thinking that far ahead, they have more urgent advice. “If we don’t keep that curve flat, and try to keep the critical cases down to a minimum, we’re going to get to a point where we just don’t have enough resources,” says John Hick, medical director for emergency preparedness and emergency physician at Hennepin Healthcare in Minneapolis.

Hick worries about the number of ventilators available, as well as the number of extracorporeal membrane oxygenation, or ECMO, systems, which function like an external blood pump. “So that’s kind of what we’re wrestling with right now — in addition to just space and the staffing,” he said.

He also pointed to appropriate hospital beds as something difficult to work around, describing how unrealistic it would be, for example, to place an 80-year-old patient on a makeshift cot. “Their skin breaks down. A lot of times we have to position those patients differently in order to ventilate them appropriately,” he said. “There’s just no substitute for a good, quality hospital bed.”

Hospitals are also increasingly concerned about the short supply of the personal protective equipment (PPE) used to keep health care workers safe and healthy, like gowns, N95 respirators, surgical masks, gloves and eye protection.

“We’re seeing significant shortages of personal protective equipment and [a] shift to having to really conserve personal protective equipment to make sure that our nurses, physicians and others are adequately protected,” says Paul Biddinger, Vice Chairman for Emergency Preparedness in the Department of Emergency Medicine at Massachusetts General Hospital. “Every health care system has been having to very carefully determine how they allocate and use their PPE so that they try to preserve it to protect the workforce.”

As an increasing number of first responders are likely to come in contact with and contract coronavirus — and therefore be unable to continue working themselves — staffing could become a major problem. Facing furloughed workers, or workers simply exhausted after endless hours on the job, trained professionals out of the workforce may be looked to as standby substitutes. Health care professionals who are not normally considered frontline workers are also figuring out how they can jump in and get involved in the fight.

“I think we’re having to all get comfortable with the idea of practicing outside of our comfort zone,” Fick says. “I’m an internal medicine physician, I’m trained in critical care for my residency, but that was 10 years ago. I haven’t operated a ventilator in 10 years, but I’m preparing to rapid-fire relearn that skill in the event that I have to use that.”

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As doctors in the U.S. have watched Italy’s health care system buckle under the sudden strain of the coronavirus, the magnitude of the problems that could be heading their way have begun to sink in. The crises Italian medical staff have been reportedly facing — overwhelming conditions, choosing which patients get treatment, and desperately working to expand their manpower — are all things that hospitals in the U.S. could encounter if the virus continues on its path, doctors say.

“For me it flipped from, ‘This is a real concern, I wonder what’s going to happen’… to ‘Holy cow, I think we’re in trouble,’” says Laurel Fick, a residency director and an internal medicine physician at Ascension St. Vincent Hospital Indianapolis hospital, when she realized how grim the situation in Italy had grown.

As of Monday, the U.S. had more than 4,000 confirmed coronavirus cases, according to Johns Hopkins University, only a fraction of the approximately 28,000 cases in Italy. But the slow start of rolling out testing has made it impossible to know exactly how widespread the pandemic actually is in the U.S. What is clear is that the rate at which cases are increasing is similar to Italy’s trajectory. The Surgeon General said Monday that the U.S. is two weeks behind Italy.

“When you look at the projections, there’s every chance that we could be Italy,” U.S. Surgeon General Jerome Adams told Fox News on Monday.

As health care professionals watch the potential future unfold across the Atlantic, they are growing increasingly anxious that the novel coronavirus, which is particularly dangerous for the elderly and people with underlying medical conditions, could overrun the American healthcare system. As public officials and businesses try to enforce social distancing to slow the spread, hospital staff say they are concerned about shortages of specialized equipment like ventilators, hospital beds, masks and personnel. If the system grows too stretched, they worry they may ultimately have to ration health care.

For now, hospitals can only prepare for the worst. One estimate reportedly presented by the American Hospital Association predicts there could be 96 million cases of coronavirus in the U.S. in the next couple of months, with 1.9 million intensive care unit admissions, 4.8 million hospitalizations, and 480,000 deaths associated with the virus.

“We are not ready. We are not ready virtually anywhere in the country for that kind of onslaught on our health care system,” says Irwin Redlener, director of the National Center for Disaster Preparedness at Columbia University.

For instance, Redlener estimates that there are 95,000 intensive care beds in the country, but “even in the moderate attack rate of the coronavirus,” he believes there could be a need for more than double that number. He also believes the U.S. has only a “fraction” of the mechanical ventilators that could be needed, a device that will be crucial for a virus that aggressively attacks the lungs and for which there is no good substitute. A 2010 survey estimated that there were likely around 62,000 mechanical ventilators in U.S. hospitals.

The Trump Administration has slowly begun to publicly recognize the gravity of the situation hospitals and medical staff are facing. Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar acknowledged during a White House briefing on Sunday that a “pandemic like this runs the risk of exceeding our health care system capacity.”

In a sign of how difficult these resources are to come by as the pandemic spans the globe, Trump held a call with governors on Monday telling them they should seek crucial equipment on their own, according to a New York Times report. “Respirators, ventilators, all of the equipment — try getting it yourselves,” Trump reportedly said. “We will be backing you, but try getting it yourselves. Point of sales, much better, much more direct if you can get it yourself.”

Some of these supplies are available in the federally managed, secretive Strategic National Stockpile (SNS), which distributes supplies during crises like this one. On Sunday, Azar said there are “thousands and thousands” of ventilators available in the SNS, but cited national security reasons for not disclosing specific numbers of the supplies available.

Knowing their facilities cannot handle experts’ worst-case scenarios, doctors have been aggressively calling for social distancing to “flatten the curve,” or slow the rate at which the population gets infected and therefore keep the health care infrastructure from being overwhelmed. On Sunday, the Centers for Disease Control put out new guidelines recommending events with 50 or more people be cancelled for the next eight weeks, as well as events of any size where social distancing could not be incorporated.

By Monday, Trump was urging people to avoid gatherings of groups of more than ten. Several cities have now started cracking down on social life, closing restaurants and bars and asking residents to “shelter in place,” and businesses across the country have sent employees to work from home.

“I actually worry that there are a lot of individuals who are not taking it seriously,” says Avital O’Glasser, medical director for the Preoperative Medicine Clinic at Oregon Health & Science University in Portland. “I worry about the banter that people are still saying, ‘I’m going out to bars. I want to go celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. This isn’t going to affect me. I’m young and healthy. Why do I have to isolate myself?’”

If the country is unable to reduce its infection rate, the nation’s health care infrastructure will not be able to cope, and it could result in a decline of adequate care both for coronavirus patients and people suffering everyday health issues, complications or trauma, experts across the country worry.

On Friday, the American College of Surgeons released guidance on minimizing, postponing, or cancelling elective operations in the midst of the pandemic. The Surgeon General also tweeted for hospitals to consider stopping elective procedures, citing the tax it would put on personnel needed for coronavirus response. If there aren’t enough resources to provide proper continuing care to people with chronic illness, medical professionals say that in itself may also have long-term consequences in the health care system.

And while medical professionals are thinking that far ahead, they have more urgent advice. “If we don’t keep that curve flat, and try to keep the critical cases down to a minimum, we’re going to get to a point where we just don’t have enough resources,” says John Hick, medical director for emergency preparedness and emergency physician at Hennepin Healthcare in Minneapolis.

Hick worries about the number of ventilators available, as well as the number of extracorporeal membrane oxygenation, or ECMO, systems, which function like an external blood pump. “So that’s kind of what we’re wrestling with right now — in addition to just space and the staffing,” he said.

He also pointed to appropriate hospital beds as something difficult to work around, describing how unrealistic it would be, for example, to place an 80-year-old patient on a makeshift cot. “Their skin breaks down. A lot of times we have to position those patients differently in order to ventilate them appropriately,” he said. “There’s just no substitute for a good, quality hospital bed.”

Hospitals are also increasingly concerned about the short supply of the personal protective equipment (PPE) used to keep health care workers safe and healthy, like gowns, N95 respirators, surgical masks, gloves and eye protection.

“We’re seeing significant shortages of personal protective equipment and [a] shift to having to really conserve personal protective equipment to make sure that our nurses, physicians and others are adequately protected,” says Paul Biddinger, Vice Chairman for Emergency Preparedness in the Department of Emergency Medicine at Massachusetts General Hospital. “Every health care system has been having to very carefully determine how they allocate and use their PPE so that they try to preserve it to protect the workforce.”

As an increasing number of first responders are likely to come in contact with and contract coronavirus — and therefore be unable to continue working themselves — staffing could become a major problem. Facing furloughed workers, or workers simply exhausted after endless hours on the job, trained professionals out of the workforce may be looked to as standby substitutes. Health care professionals who are not normally considered frontline workers are also figuring out how they can jump in and get involved in the fight.

“I think we’re having to all get comfortable with the idea of practicing outside of our comfort zone,” Fick says. “I’m an internal medicine physician, I’m trained in critical care for my residency, but that was 10 years ago. I haven’t operated a ventilator in 10 years, but I’m preparing to rapid-fire relearn that skill in the event that I have to use that.”

[pinktheoristcollector]

New top story from Time: As U.S. Braces for Coronavirus to Spread, Hospitals Worry About Shortages

As doctors in the U.S. have watched Italy’s health care system buckle under the sudden strain of the coronavirus, the magnitude of the problems that could be heading their way have begun to sink in. The crises Italian medical staff have been reportedly facing — overwhelming conditions, choosing which patients get treatment, and desperately working to expand their manpower — are all things that hospitals in the U.S. could encounter if the virus continues on its path, doctors say.

“For me it flipped from, ‘This is a real concern, I wonder what’s going to happen’… to ‘Holy cow, I think we’re in trouble,’” says Laurel Fick, a residency director and an internal medicine physician at Ascension St. Vincent Hospital Indianapolis hospital, when she realized how grim the situation in Italy had grown.

As of Monday, the U.S. had more than 4,000 confirmed coronavirus cases, according to Johns Hopkins University, only a fraction of the approximately 28,000 cases in Italy. But the slow start of rolling out testing has made it impossible to know exactly how widespread the pandemic actually is in the U.S. What is clear is that the rate at which cases are increasing is similar to Italy’s trajectory. The Surgeon General said Monday that the U.S. is two weeks behind Italy.

“When you look at the projections, there’s every chance that we could be Italy,” U.S. Surgeon General Jerome Adams told Fox News on Monday.

As health care professionals watch the potential future unfold across the Atlantic, they are growing increasingly anxious that the novel coronavirus, which is particularly dangerous for the elderly and people with underlying medical conditions, could overrun the American healthcare system. As public officials and businesses try to enforce social distancing to slow the spread, hospital staff say they are concerned about shortages of specialized equipment like ventilators, hospital beds, masks and personnel. If the system grows too stretched, they worry they may ultimately have to ration health care.

For now, hospitals can only prepare for the worst. One estimate reportedly presented by the American Hospital Association predicts there could be 96 million cases of coronavirus in the U.S. in the next couple of months, with 1.9 million intensive care unit admissions, 4.8 million hospitalizations, and 480,000 deaths associated with the virus.

“We are not ready. We are not ready virtually anywhere in the country for that kind of onslaught on our health care system,” says Irwin Redlener, director of the National Center for Disaster Preparedness at Columbia University.

For instance, Redlener estimates that there are 95,000 intensive care beds in the country, but “even in the moderate attack rate of the coronavirus,” he believes there could be a need for more than double that number. He also believes the U.S. has only a “fraction” of the mechanical ventilators that could be needed, a device that will be crucial for a virus that aggressively attacks the lungs and for which there is no good substitute. A 2010 survey estimated that there were likely around 62,000 mechanical ventilators in U.S. hospitals.

The Trump Administration has slowly begun to publicly recognize the gravity of the situation hospitals and medical staff are facing. Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar acknowledged during a White House briefing on Sunday that a “pandemic like this runs the risk of exceeding our health care system capacity.”

In a sign of how difficult these resources are to come by as the pandemic spans the globe, Trump held a call with governors on Monday telling them they should seek crucial equipment on their own, according to a New York Times report. “Respirators, ventilators, all of the equipment — try getting it yourselves,” Trump reportedly said. “We will be backing you, but try getting it yourselves. Point of sales, much better, much more direct if you can get it yourself.”

Some of these supplies are available in the federally managed, secretive Strategic National Stockpile (SNS), which distributes supplies during crises like this one. On Sunday, Azar said there are “thousands and thousands” of ventilators available in the SNS, but cited national security reasons for not disclosing specific numbers of the supplies available.

Knowing their facilities cannot handle experts’ worst-case scenarios, doctors have been aggressively calling for social distancing to “flatten the curve,” or slow the rate at which the population gets infected and therefore keep the health care infrastructure from being overwhelmed. On Sunday, the Centers for Disease Control put out new guidelines recommending events with 50 or more people be cancelled for the next eight weeks, as well as events of any size where social distancing could not be incorporated.

By Monday, Trump was urging people to avoid gatherings of groups of more than ten. Several cities have now started cracking down on social life, closing restaurants and bars and asking residents to “shelter in place,” and businesses across the country have sent employees to work from home.

“I actually worry that there are a lot of individuals who are not taking it seriously,” says Avital O’Glasser, medical director for the Preoperative Medicine Clinic at Oregon Health & Science University in Portland. “I worry about the banter that people are still saying, ‘I’m going out to bars. I want to go celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. This isn’t going to affect me. I’m young and healthy. Why do I have to isolate myself?’”

If the country is unable to reduce its infection rate, the nation’s health care infrastructure will not be able to cope, and it could result in a decline of adequate care both for coronavirus patients and people suffering everyday health issues, complications or trauma, experts across the country worry.

On Friday, the American College of Surgeons released guidance on minimizing, postponing, or cancelling elective operations in the midst of the pandemic. The Surgeon General also tweeted for hospitals to consider stopping elective procedures, citing the tax it would put on personnel needed for coronavirus response. If there aren’t enough resources to provide proper continuing care to people with chronic illness, medical professionals say that in itself may also have long-term consequences in the health care system.

And while medical professionals are thinking that far ahead, they have more urgent advice. “If we don’t keep that curve flat, and try to keep the critical cases down to a minimum, we’re going to get to a point where we just don’t have enough resources,” says John Hick, medical director for emergency preparedness and emergency physician at Hennepin Healthcare in Minneapolis.

Hick worries about the number of ventilators available, as well as the number of extracorporeal membrane oxygenation, or ECMO, systems, which function like an external blood pump. “So that’s kind of what we’re wrestling with right now — in addition to just space and the staffing,” he said.

He also pointed to appropriate hospital beds as something difficult to work around, describing how unrealistic it would be, for example, to place an 80-year-old patient on a makeshift cot. “Their skin breaks down. A lot of times we have to position those patients differently in order to ventilate them appropriately,” he said. “There’s just no substitute for a good, quality hospital bed.”

Hospitals are also increasingly concerned about the short supply of the personal protective equipment (PPE) used to keep health care workers safe and healthy, like gowns, N95 respirators, surgical masks, gloves and eye protection.

“We’re seeing significant shortages of personal protective equipment and [a] shift to having to really conserve personal protective equipment to make sure that our nurses, physicians and others are adequately protected,” says Paul Biddinger, Vice Chairman for Emergency Preparedness in the Department of Emergency Medicine at Massachusetts General Hospital. “Every health care system has been having to very carefully determine how they allocate and use their PPE so that they try to preserve it to protect the workforce.”

As an increasing number of first responders are likely to come in contact with and contract coronavirus — and therefore be unable to continue working themselves — staffing could become a major problem. Facing furloughed workers, or workers simply exhausted after endless hours on the job, trained professionals out of the workforce may be looked to as standby substitutes. Health care professionals who are not normally considered frontline workers are also figuring out how they can jump in and get involved in the fight.

“I think we’re having to all get comfortable with the idea of practicing outside of our comfort zone,” Fick says. “I’m an internal medicine physician, I’m trained in critical care for my residency, but that was 10 years ago. I haven’t operated a ventilator in 10 years, but I’m preparing to rapid-fire relearn that skill in the event that I have to use that.”

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As doctors in the U.S. have watched Italy’s health care system buckle under the sudden strain of the coronavirus, the magnitude of the problems that could be heading their way have begun to sink in. The crises Italian medical staff have been reportedly facing — overwhelming conditions, choosing which patients get treatment, and desperately working to expand their manpower — are all things that hospitals in the U.S. could encounter if the virus continues on its path, doctors say.

“For me it flipped from, ‘This is a real concern, I wonder what’s going to happen’… to ‘Holy cow, I think we’re in trouble,’” says Laurel Fick, a residency director and an internal medicine physician at Ascension St. Vincent Hospital Indianapolis hospital, when she realized how grim the situation in Italy had grown.

As of Monday, the U.S. had more than 4,000 confirmed coronavirus cases, according to Johns Hopkins University, only a fraction of the approximately 28,000 cases in Italy. But the slow start of rolling out testing has made it impossible to know exactly how widespread the pandemic actually is in the U.S. What is clear is that the rate at which cases are increasing is similar to Italy’s trajectory. The Surgeon General said Monday that the U.S. is two weeks behind Italy.

“When you look at the projections, there’s every chance that we could be Italy,” U.S. Surgeon General Jerome Adams told Fox News on Monday.

As health care professionals watch the potential future unfold across the Atlantic, they are growing increasingly anxious that the novel coronavirus, which is particularly dangerous for the elderly and people with underlying medical conditions, could overrun the American healthcare system. As public officials and businesses try to enforce social distancing to slow the spread, hospital staff say they are concerned about shortages of specialized equipment like ventilators, hospital beds, masks and personnel. If the system grows too stretched, they worry they may ultimately have to ration health care.

For now, hospitals can only prepare for the worst. One estimate reportedly presented by the American Hospital Association predicts there could be 96 million cases of coronavirus in the U.S. in the next couple of months, with 1.9 million intensive care unit admissions, 4.8 million hospitalizations, and 480,000 deaths associated with the virus.

“We are not ready. We are not ready virtually anywhere in the country for that kind of onslaught on our health care system,” says Irwin Redlener, director of the National Center for Disaster Preparedness at Columbia University.

For instance, Redlener estimates that there are 95,000 intensive care beds in the country, but “even in the moderate attack rate of the coronavirus,” he believes there could be a need for more than double that number. He also believes the U.S. has only a “fraction” of the mechanical ventilators that could be needed, a device that will be crucial for a virus that aggressively attacks the lungs and for which there is no good substitute. A 2010 survey estimated that there were likely around 62,000 mechanical ventilators in U.S. hospitals.

The Trump Administration has slowly begun to publicly recognize the gravity of the situation hospitals and medical staff are facing. Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar acknowledged during a White House briefing on Sunday that a “pandemic like this runs the risk of exceeding our health care system capacity.”

In a sign of how difficult these resources are to come by as the pandemic spans the globe, Trump held a call with governors on Monday telling them they should seek crucial equipment on their own, according to a New York Times report. “Respirators, ventilators, all of the equipment — try getting it yourselves,” Trump reportedly said. “We will be backing you, but try getting it yourselves. Point of sales, much better, much more direct if you can get it yourself.”

Some of these supplies are available in the federally managed, secretive Strategic National Stockpile (SNS), which distributes supplies during crises like this one. On Sunday, Azar said there are “thousands and thousands” of ventilators available in the SNS, but cited national security reasons for not disclosing specific numbers of the supplies available.

Knowing their facilities cannot handle experts’ worst-case scenarios, doctors have been aggressively calling for social distancing to “flatten the curve,” or slow the rate at which the population gets infected and therefore keep the health care infrastructure from being overwhelmed. On Sunday, the Centers for Disease Control put out new guidelines recommending events with 50 or more people be cancelled for the next eight weeks, as well as events of any size where social distancing could not be incorporated.

By Monday, Trump was urging people to avoid gatherings of groups of more than ten. Several cities have now started cracking down on social life, closing restaurants and bars and asking residents to “shelter in place,” and businesses across the country have sent employees to work from home.

“I actually worry that there are a lot of individuals who are not taking it seriously,” says Avital O’Glasser, medical director for the Preoperative Medicine Clinic at Oregon Health & Science University in Portland. “I worry about the banter that people are still saying, ‘I’m going out to bars. I want to go celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. This isn’t going to affect me. I’m young and healthy. Why do I have to isolate myself?’”

If the country is unable to reduce its infection rate, the nation’s health care infrastructure will not be able to cope, and it could result in a decline of adequate care both for coronavirus patients and people suffering everyday health issues, complications or trauma, experts across the country worry.

On Friday, the American College of Surgeons released guidance on minimizing, postponing, or cancelling elective operations in the midst of the pandemic. The Surgeon General also tweeted for hospitals to consider stopping elective procedures, citing the tax it would put on personnel needed for coronavirus response. If there aren’t enough resources to provide proper continuing care to people with chronic illness, medical professionals say that in itself may also have long-term consequences in the health care system.

And while medical professionals are thinking that far ahead, they have more urgent advice. “If we don’t keep that curve flat, and try to keep the critical cases down to a minimum, we’re going to get to a point where we just don’t have enough resources,” says John Hick, medical director for emergency preparedness and emergency physician at Hennepin Healthcare in Minneapolis.

Hick worries about the number of ventilators available, as well as the number of extracorporeal membrane oxygenation, or ECMO, systems, which function like an external blood pump. “So that’s kind of what we’re wrestling with right now — in addition to just space and the staffing,” he said.

He also pointed to appropriate hospital beds as something difficult to work around, describing how unrealistic it would be, for example, to place an 80-year-old patient on a makeshift cot. “Their skin breaks down. A lot of times we have to position those patients differently in order to ventilate them appropriately,” he said. “There’s just no substitute for a good, quality hospital bed.”

Hospitals are also increasingly concerned about the short supply of the personal protective equipment (PPE) used to keep health care workers safe and healthy, like gowns, N95 respirators, surgical masks, gloves and eye protection.

“We’re seeing significant shortages of personal protective equipment and [a] shift to having to really conserve personal protective equipment to make sure that our nurses, physicians and others are adequately protected,” says Paul Biddinger, Vice Chairman for Emergency Preparedness in the Department of Emergency Medicine at Massachusetts General Hospital. “Every health care system has been having to very carefully determine how they allocate and use their PPE so that they try to preserve it to protect the workforce.”

As an increasing number of first responders are likely to come in contact with and contract coronavirus — and therefore be unable to continue working themselves — staffing could become a major problem. Facing furloughed workers, or workers simply exhausted after endless hours on the job, trained professionals out of the workforce may be looked to as standby substitutes. Health care professionals who are not normally considered frontline workers are also figuring out how they can jump in and get involved in the fight.

“I think we’re having to all get comfortable with the idea of practicing outside of our comfort zone,” Fick says. “I’m an internal medicine physician, I’m trained in critical care for my residency, but that was 10 years ago. I haven’t operated a ventilator in 10 years, but I’m preparing to rapid-fire relearn that skill in the event that I have to use that.”

[shaynabqszler]

Say what you want about AEW, but at least they're trying to put more effort into their women's division. Last night, they had a good fatal four-way match. And nice to see we're really still on the whole if a woman is dating or married to a higher up/top guy, she can't shine or achieve anything on her own. At least AEW isn't pulling off garbage like WWE is doing with Lana and Liv. So no, I don't think AEW was pretending. I see the effort, unlike WWE. AEW is still the better show.

2: And before you ask 'what effort', Google 'AEW women's division' and 'Kenny Omega addresses criticism of AEW's women's division' and you'll find the article in where he talks about fighting every week to give the women more screen time. Cody recently spoke up about it, too. And so did Britt Baker. So that tells me that at least they want to do it and aren't just saying it to say it.

Alright pal, youre a little too agressive to my taste.

First off if you check the post you’ll see it was posted A MONTH ago, so what? was I supposed to know a month in advance that AEW was going to have ONE (1)  fatal four way match in advance? Do I see the future? No? Then calm down.

I am indeed not  “on the whole if a woman is dating or married to a higher up/top guy she can't shine or achieve anything on her own" although I do appreciate your efforts to sound fake woke. I am a feminist and I do want to see women have opportunities and be important in wrestling that is indeed why I made that post in the first place. But it is obvious that Brandi, as lovely and sweet and great as she is, has accomplished very few things in terms of wrestling career compared to some other women on the roaster and that is FINE. I said in my post, in the tags, that I was glad she was at the forefront because at least one woman was. But she is in the position that she is because she is married to Cody, it’s just the way it is, now, what she makes of it is what I’m interested in. Here’s a clue on how to know if she wasn’t married to Cody she wouldn’t be there: do you see another female higher up? One that is there without being close to an important man in AEW? No? Then, you’ve got your answer. It’s not Brandi’s fault, its the fault of the men around her.

It is also quite obvious that AEW, that is solely composed of male higher ups, except for, again, one of the men’s wife, is 95% focused on male wrestlers. There's been TWO female member of the bullet club over the years. The elite are just another bunch of bros, and that’s just the truth it doesnt matter if you like it or not, look at the facts. Im glad RIGHT NOW other women are getting the spotlight, after all the criticism, and thats great im happy theyre making those new choices! Im loving seeing Kris on the forefront, shes amazing. I also love Big Swole, can’t wait to see more of her.

As for your comparaison with the storyline with lana & liv, go ahead tell me where I said smackdown & raw were better? Where? Hum? I said I PREFERED NXT, not even than it was better, interesting that you didn’t mention that. Is it because you got no arguments against NXT? It sure feels like it. In any case wrestling is a question of preferences, good for you if you prefer AEW, but to pretend they are no flaws there is just stupid, those people aren’t paying your bills, do some critical thinking or just enjoy the show without being childish about the fact that other people find flaws in it, grow up. Smackdown & Raw have garbage storylines, always have, I never said they didnt, thats why I havent watched them in weeks, i dont even know whats up with Liv, and when I do watcht those shows, I solely watch matches Im interested in, I got other shit to do. 

I dont care about theyre “trying”or theyre “speaking”, about it, they’re just trying to do some damage control because of the criticism they received. They came out claiming AEW was the best company in the world, what do you mean theyre “fighting” for it? Its their damn show, they shouldn’t have to ”fight” for anything, right off the bat it should have been in the contracts when they signed with TNT that they were going to do 50/50 male/female wrestling. Did they? No? Then theyre not the best company in the world and they shouldnt pretend they are. And btw where’s the healthcare for the wrestlers, if they claim to be the best?  It should have been there from the start, I just see a lot of talking, not much doing.

In any case, you should really work on your reading comprehension skill when you attack someone over an opinion they have on your favorite show. I never said the WWE was better, I said I prefered NXT and AEW, because guess what! Fan wars are fucking stupid, you dont have to choose to defend one company over the other theyres no “better show”, only preferences, theyre all flawed! I care about watching good wrestling when Ive got some time, I dont care where it comes from, and thats it, but Im going to criticize flaws where I see them. 

[jvc-yearofservice]

8/3/19 - 9/8/19

"It's not about disability but the capability of a person"- housemate's co-worker

                 Sunday's spirituality night focused around readings from Father Boyle and readings from 'Wrestling with Life'. Someone brought up an interesting point about how having food preferences/dietary-restricted lifestyles could be seen as a type of privilege (since the poor usually are forced to eat what is available instead of being able to choose what they eat).

                 One of the utility people for the house and my work has made a bet with me on if he could scare me or not. I said he could not, but he insisted that he could. First, he put a fake rat on my desk, but that did not faze me. Secondly, a couple days ago, he pretended to get hit by the car I was driving, which did scare me a bit, but I otherwise thought it was hilarious. Likewise, at work, I did my first intake by myself! It was scary, but I think I did a pretty good job.

                 We have had our first family permanently leave due to them moving away to enroll in a public school, which is going to be and has been the norm in this type of school. School has continued to be kind of crazy due to the large amount of kids- aka lots of trauma. The kids don't do well with sirens, alarms, or loud noises, and we've had a lot of kids pushing our boundaries in order to test their safety by seeing how we react to external stressors. Many kids, especially the younger ones, need control over smaller things because they cannot control bigger things. For example, yelling "no!" at teachers because they could not say 'no' when they really needed to on the streets/with their parents. One co-worker is looking at these behaviors through an ABA lens. One thing he has mentioned is 'stemming', which is when a kid is being bombarded by external stimulus/processing everything around them. A lot of kids break pencils at a coping mechanism. We discussed how kids saying 'no' to trivial things/being unfriendly could be a survival mechanism or socialized form of safety taught to kids by their parents who are more familiar with street dangers than we are. It is also common for kids to not be able to process strong emotions or express them verbally, so one classroom has emotion cards (example: if you're angry, you go get the anger card and bring it to the teacher to show that you are feeling angry).

                 This week has been particularly draining, unfortunately. One of the littler kids is a constant reminder of how deep and complex trauma can alter a human's behaviors. She is always hyper alert because she was in the room when her mother's boyfriend shot someone point-blank. That family is fleeing from domestic violence, which is something I feel a lot of people don't consider when they see a homeless family and feel a bias towards them. In that situation, the parent actually saved the children by taking them away from that man, even if they did not have housing prepared to receive them. Another little boy shared with us that his mom's boyfriend beat him up, so we had to call Child Protective Services. They sent out a worker who talked with mom and the boy, and the hardest part was leaving to go home, not knowing what would happen to him. Something else that really took an emotional toll on me was finding out that one girl at the school has pretty severe cataracts, and if she does not have eye surgery as soon as possible, she could go permanently blind. I'm pretty devastated to hear this because she will likely not get the surgery because even if her parents did decide to get a loan for the surgery, they would probably get declined by any lenders due to their financial situation. This is a classic example of how unethical and cruel capitalism is. Without socialized healthcare, the poor are left to die.

                 Not everything is totally gloomy, however. There's one girl in PreK who does an insanely accurate British accent (due to watching the Great British Baking show, haha!). On Friday, we had a potluck and hosted all our co-workers at the house, and I think it was a huge success. Someone brought their 4-year-old daughter who I spent the majority of the party playing with. When she left, a French bulldog puppy magically appeared, and I spent the rest of the night holding it and getting our picture taken several times. Cleaning the house was kind of a bummer since it's so huge, but we blasted reggae music the whole time to ease the burden. During the week, we visited Old Sac, which is the old-fashioned and historic area, where everything looks like the Old West and Gold Rush times. We had an amazing time and visited some great shops, including a huge costume warehouse and giant candy store where we got a lot of free samples. There is a better address to send things to since everyone's packages keep getting stolen:

FedEx Office

1200 J St.

Sacramento, CA 95814

                 On Saturday, we had a pregame party at the house and invited the other volunteers from Mercy Corps and Lutheran Services Corps. Also, someone from the San Francisco house came to stay with us and slept in the haunted room (we didn't tell him it was haunted, though). It was very fun, and someone even told me this alarming statistic: 10% of Jesuit volunteers leave before the end of their first year. One of the girls from our house last year left mid-year without discussing it with anyone else. Some say it was because of unchecked mental health problems, and others say it was incompatibility with the other housemates. A former Jesuit Volunteer from the Northwest program was present on Friday night, and he told us all these hilarious stories about working in Anchorage, Alaska. A totally insane fact was that this former Jesuit volunteer actually talked to one of my friends from last year's immersion trip to Navajo Nation, Autumn, the night before since she was in his same placement. What a small world!

                 We've been getting all of our produce at the farmer's market under the freeway (not as sketchy as it sounds, I promise). The rest is purchased at a store called 'Grocery Outlet' but we refer to it as 'Gross-Out' because it is pretty gross.

                 On Sunday, a couple of us went to a Methodist service, which was AWESOME! The preacher referred to God as she/her. It was super holistic and had amazing, live music. We had communion, and afterwards you knelt on a pillow and lit a candle and inserted it into a bowl filled with sand. The communion was pieces of bread that we ripped off and dipped into this lemony juice. We sat with one of our in-city coordinators who attends every Sunday. Afterwards, we met the pastor, who told us he would be bringing by ice-cream and pie to the house that evening.

                 The best thing that happened this week was when my friend, Hanna, face-timed me throughout the entire Kacey Musgraves concert in St. Louis. It meant so much to be able to hear her sing, and I really wanted to be there, but this was the second best thing. I'm really grateful to have heard it all, and I got to lay down on my bed and sing along to all the songs I knew. Thank you again, Hanna!

Will update later!

MK in Alkali Flats

[rjhg53ji-blog]

How much would my usaa insurance be?

How much would my usaa insurance be?

I was pulled over for 3 violations (no license, insurance, and running a red light) and next year it will be 3 years. The court said they gave me 1 point on my license (I paid off my ticket because I couldn t go to traffic school). I read that insurance companies could see up to 5 years of your driving history. I plan on completing an online course to be certified. I ve had my license for over a year. I m a female in california, currently 19. I was wondering how much my insurance would be (I ll be under my parents usaa insurance) if I complete the course and wait until the 3 years are up. Serious answers only please. Thanks!

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare free quotes :insurancefastfinder.xyz

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