#she even drew me a cat jester

[raisnkaine]

My sister wants a bigtop burger drawing so im doodling them as a warmup

I'll spam more as I doodle :] and post the finished product whenever that is done

[feuerwizard]

@cupcaketrickster asked: "volumes. gaze at my muse in a way that silently says ‘i love you" // loud and defending silence prompts;; open

It is no secret to say Caleb is a man consumed by his studies, often losing track of time as he delves into books and research. His office cluttered with stacks of papers and piles of books. And as the evening drew on, he remained in his chair, engrossed in writing several papers. A small black and white cat curled up in the corner, providing quiet company as Caleb's mind raced with ideas and theories. The soft glow of his candlelight illuminates the room, casting shadows along that dance against the walls—a familiar scene for the wizard.

Jester says nothing as she enters the room, her presence as light and ethereal as a butterfly. With violet eyes flickering with warmth, a sight that never fails to make Caleb's heart skip a beat. He can feel the fondness and adoration radiating from her gaze, and it brings a soft smile to his lips, despite the undeserving feeling that still lingers in his mind. “Hallo,” he greets her, “You are giving me a look, blaubeere.”

[primrose-path-of-dalliance]

@trueblue-escapist this one got long! :) (edit: now on ao3)

It was by sheer fortune that the message arrived while he was dining at Beau and Yasha's home.

They were trying some of the latter's experimental recipes. Fortunately Yasha had progressed very well in the last several months; this was now the fourth meal Caleb had been over for since Beau declared her love's attempts at Empire foods to be reliably nonpoisonous.

He was comfortable, speculating with Beau over her recent visit to Shattengrod. So when Jester began speaking in his head, he almost dropped his fork.

With strained panting—"Caleb, we need some help."

Caleb’s thoughts immediately went to static. He held up a hand as her voice continued, eyes wide, and both Beau and Yasha fell quiet with concern.

"There’s a lot of fishy people and I have, um. One diamond. We’re on the ship. Hope you aren’t busy—"

Abrupt cut-off. No continuation. He shot a look across the table to the other two, and they seemed to instantly read the tension on his face for what it was. They darted from their seats as he replied, "I am with Beau and Yasha. Hang in there, please. We’re coming."

"Sword?" called Yasha from another room.

"Sword. Beau," Caleb shouted, his adrenaline spiking with every second they were still here, "diamonds?"

"One," came her terse response. "I got it."

He stood up. The chair legs screeched against Beau and Yasha’s nice hardwood. Dug a hand through his hair and pulled half of it out of the tie.

Next he slapped his hands together. A strand of amber formed from his pinched thumbs and middle fingers as he drew them apart. Gods, his trembling hands shook the arcane thread. Ten seconds since Jester’s message.

"Essek," Caleb said to the thread, which vibrated with each word. "If you aren’t busy and have the spells. Retrieve Caduceus if you could and bring him to the Nein Heroez. It’s urgent. And diamonds," he added hastily. The thread dissipated.

Yasha and Beau emerged together from the hall with weapons in hand as the reply came: "I will contact Caduceus, then, and keep you updated. Hopefully I can be of aid. Stay safe, Caleb."

Caleb closed his eyes for a single breath and tried to absorb Essek’s soft, controlled caution.

They were coming. They would be okay.

Without needing to look, he held his hands to Yasha and Beau. "Uk’otoa is being an exceptional nuisance."

Beau scowled and said, "I fucking told Fjord to do something with that ball"—and they were off.

***

Jester woke up to what felt like a giant spike piercing through her head, or maybe a handaxe being sunk into her skull—but if it kept going forever instead of happening in an instant. Her stomach felt like a tiny pool of boiling acid that the ship kept rocking back and forth.

She moaned, curling up harder and pressing the heels of her hands to her temples. It didn’t really help, but the pulsing pain eased a little over some time.

"Arty?" she eventually managed.

"I’m so sorry, my dear," murmured his low voice by her ear. "I came as quickly as I could."

"It’s okay. Water?"

She felt a small weasel tongue lick her cheek, then retreat.

After about a minute of measured, careful breathing through the migraine, Jester heard a door crack open and winced from the brighter light now shining in from the hallway.

"Sorry," whispered a familiar voice, and Jester might have started crying at the sound of his Zemnian accent if she wasn’t already teary-eyed from pain.

The door closed, dimming the room again to its singular lantern.

She did her best to uncurl as Caleb set down a bowl and cup on the small table nearby and brought over a chair to her bedside. He reached for his neck, too, and a crimson weasel slipped into his hands.

"Thanks," she said as he returned Sprinkle to her shoulder.

"Of course. Would you like help sitting up?"

"Please."

She had to rest her head on Caleb’s shoulder for a minute when sitting up gave her a rush of a dizzy spell. His hand had rubbed up and down her arm. He smelled like sweat and fish guts and leather.

Eventually Jester had her back against the wall and the cup of water in her hands as she took a careful sip.

"Everyone’s alright," began Caleb, voice still hushed in consideration of her headache. "We took care of them all shortly after you went down, and Fjord was able to heal you a little bit. Essek arrived with Caduceus not long after."

"That’s good."

She closed her eyes and sipped more water. The warm weight of Sprinkle was draped around her neck.

Gods. Jester loved her friends so much.

"Where is everyone? Where’s Fjord?" she asked.

"Out on the deck cleaning up and figuring out what to do next," came the wry response. "Beau gave Fjord a piece of her mind about that orb. Caduceus suggested to try hiding it in the Happy Fun Ball."

"Aw, man. That’s a really good idea."

"Ja. So we are figuring out who will take it in there and where to put it."

She nodded sluggishly, eyes still closed.

"I’m sorry," said Caleb after a long moment. "Do you want to sleep?"

"No. I'm just tired."

That last word came out with a bit more... a bit more than Jester had intended to say it with. She chewed the inside of her cheek and took a sip of water.

She could feel Caleb's gaze on her. "Is it something you would like to talk about?"

The headache continued to pulse in her temples. She stared down into her cup, at the water sloshing side to side from the rocking of the ship. "If you guys are going to Yussa's later, I want to come with. It’s been a while since I’ve seen Mama."

"Of course."

Jester breathed in and out and continued, "It's been a year and I think I'm sick of sailing."

"Ah."

"I mean, there's been so many cool things. The Lucidian Ocean is huge. One time we saw a sea horse that was big enough to ride on. And the port cities we've visited have all been beautiful. But most of the time it's just this boat. And less Arty. And Uk'otoa attacking us for the cloven crystal. I can't even prank people whenever I get bored because it's all the same people, and it's way less fun to keep pranking the same people over and over again."

Caleb made a considering noise. She sipped water, chewing the inside of her cheek some more.

Slowly he asked, "Are you... thinking of staying with your mother for a while?"

"Maybe."

Peaceful silence. They listened to the sounds of wood creaking and the ocean undulating. Jester felt the shittiness of her body continue to ease, and she set down the water to take a sniff at the bowl instead. Some stew, still warm.

As she had a cautious taste, Caleb said, "Hey."

She brought down the bowl and looked at him.

"Would you like to see something cool?"

"Of course I would like to see something cool, Caleb."

His smile as she sat up with anticipation and set down the bowl was very welcome—and a pretty cool sight already. But she watched him pull out a piece of wool and rub it between two fingers, and all of a sudden there was a cat in his lap and another cat on his shoulders.

Jester gasped, hands flying to her face. "Are those your cats?"

The smile on his face only got bigger and warmer as he looked down at the illusory one in his lap cleaning its brown-and-white face. "Yes. This one is Gretel, she is still somewhat a kitten. The other one is Mac, which is short for mackerel because he was eating one from a rubbish heap when I found him."

"Oh my god, Caleb, that’s so adorable." She beamed and leaned in to wiggle her fingers at illusion-Gretel, cooing without caring that it wasn’t the real cat.

He rubbed the wool in his hand and illusion-Gretel began to purr loudly.

She could feel the dimples in her cheeks from grinning. "I love them."

"They will both be very glad to hear that and will eagerly exploit your love to make you spoil them."

"Well, of course I’ll spoil them, they’re so perfect."

Caleb’s smile eased into something soft. "Would you like to meet them in person, then? Before you return to the Nein Heroez?"

The excitement welling up inside Jester faltered.

Oh, right.

She twisted her fingers together, fixing her gaze on the blood crusted in the space between them and beneath her nails. "Um. Yeah, I would love to, Caleb. But probably I'm not going to come back here."

No response except a careful inhale.

She picked at a bloodied crease in her palm and continued, "Fjord and I talked a couple weeks ago. It wasn't like an argument or anything, don't worry! We're one hundred and ten per cent still best friends who love each other and everything, you know? But he loves being captain of the Nein Heroez and doesn't really plan on stopping anytime soon. Or doing anything else. And I want to do more. The world's so big, and there's like a dozen other planes I could see, Arty promised he'd show me around the Feywild—"

Caleb's long-fingered hand placed itself on top of her fidgeting ones, and Jester's rambling mouth fell silent. The illusory cats were gone.

"It's fine, Jester," he said. She looked up at his furrowed brow and crooked smile. "I understand."

Deep breath in and out. Jester returned a similar smile. "Yeah."

Seeming reassured, he leaned back in his chair and seemed to look off elsewhere, his brow still furrowed in thought.

In the lull, she took up the bowl of stew again with more relish. The weight of the news she'd been ignoring had lifted from her shoulders, and with it some of her worries. She hadn't known how people would react. The more reasonable voice in her mind figured that everyone would take the relationship change with ease, reminding her of Yasha's advice in Eiselcross a year ago. The louder, more anxious voice had stressed over whether any of them might judge her for being a bad girlfriend.

Apropos of nothing, gaze still a little distant, Caleb said, "Essek and I are in a relationship."

Halfway through a sip of the stew, Jester's mouth fell open. "Really?"

His lips twitched at the squeal in her voice. "Ja."

She smiled, said, "Aw, I'm happy for you two," and returned to her stew to try and stamp down the sudden, strange sense of instability overtaking her. Like her heart found itself stuck in the second between missing the next step down the stairs and falling.

"Thank you. I am telling you this, though, because Essek and I have had... somewhat of a similar conversation." His eyes flickered to meet her startled gaze briefly, and she saw a bittersweet wryness in them. "Neither of us expect the other to be, well. Committed. My whole self, more or less, is dedicated to my home. I want to make it a better place. Essek has very different goals in mind for his future. We love each other, but between my life and his constant vagrancy, it would be unfair to expect us to stay the same. And, you know. I don't have as much time as he does, anyway."

Jester had the bowl of stew in her lap now, unable to stop staring at Caleb. He finally seemed to notice her attention and awkwardly fixed his eyes on a spot of the wall somewhere to her right and up.

In her chest, time started again. Jester's heart safely found the next step instead of taking a tumble down the stairs.

"Thank you, Caleb," she said softly.

He returned to looking at her properly, and the renewed warmth in his expression helped resettle Jester's sense of the world even further. "I'm sure your mother could be much more reassuring."

"Maybe, but it's you."

Caleb went a little pink. The flush was still visible to Jester's eyes in the dim room. Thank the gods that the warmth in her own cheeks would be much harder for him to notice.

That was enough conversation for her at the moment. She shoved the bowl of stew back against her mouth.

(send me a brief widojest prompt!)

[rainbowcaleb]

On our own time, in our own way

(a new year’s eve Shadowgast fic.)

“Jester has told me of several new year’s traditions…” Essek ran a finger across the top of his mostly empty wine glass. It was number three or four; his anxiety had gotten the better of him.

“Oh? I am sure some of them may be exaggerated in nature. She does love her pranks.” Caleb chuckled, looking a little flushed himself from the ever flowing wine in the Lavish Chateau tonight.

Essek felt a smidgen of relief. “I am actually glad to hear that. So, the traditional water bucket toss of icy water?”

“Ah, that one is not real.” Caleb replied.

“Drinking the same number of glasses as years of your life?”

“Another joke,” Caleb laughed. “And would prove quite difficult for some of us.” He rested a hand on Essek’s arm with a smile.

“Then, finding someone to kiss when the clock strikes midnight in order to be lucky with love in the new year, that certainly is a joke of hers as well?”

“Oh,” Caleb blinked a few times. “Ah, well, that one is real. Perhaps not the luck part, but yes, the kissing…” He looked down to where his hand rested on Essek’s arm, as if noticing it for the first time.

Essek too was fascinated with the hand resting on his forearm, carefully avoiding looking right ino Caleb’s blue eyes or, even worse, glancing at his lips. His wine glass suddenly felt much too empty.

The crowd around them seemed to surge into high octane energy, voices raised loudly against the music playing, numbers being counted down from ten.

“It’s almost-” Essek started.

“It is, and-” Caleb answered.

Essek was panicking, he was very much panicking. He glanced around, there were so many people crushing in around them but Caleb was right in front of him, Caleb and no one else, only Frumpkin circling down by their ankles. His wine glass felt fragile in his sweaty hand, there were mere inches between them, and now the noise erupting from the crowd was a time bomb of four-three-two--- 

.

.

.

Jester bumped into Caleb twenty something minutes after midnight looking flushed in the face, her lipstick smeared, but otherwise impeccably dressed and overflowingly happy.

“Ooh, Caleb.” She grinned at him and reached up to pinch a cheek. “Happy new year! Were you able to find Essek in time? I did push him over to where you were standing.”

Caleb gave Jester a stricken expression and she immediately stopped her dancing around to the music and faced him.

“Oh no, what happened? What is that big sad wizard frown for?”

“He didn’t kiss me.”

Jester gasped, then the shock in her face melted into fury. “How dare he, I thought he was super into you, oh my gosh that liar! Do you want me to kick him out of the party? Or hurt him? I do have a wounding spell prepared today.”

Caleb laughed but it sounded like a bubble of manic energy. “No, no, Jester, that is not necessary. He...well, he kissed Frumpkin.”

Jester’s face twisted up, fighting the urge to laugh while still trying to feel bad for her friend. The laughter won out. “He did what?” She kept giggling. “Frumpkin? Why would he- what would make him- Caleb can you explain from the beginning?”

Caleb shrugged, looking out across the crowd with a sigh. “I think he panicked.”

“Okay, okay, well it’s Essek. That kinda makes sense. So why didn’t you?” Jester asked.

“Why didn’t I…?”

“Why didn’t you kiss him?”

There was a long pause and Caleb sighed again. “Schiesse, I think I panicked too. I need to go find him, don’t I?”

Jester slapped him on the back. “Go get him.”

Caleb started pushing his way through the dancing people and kissing couples in the crowd, trying to find that familiar white hair amongst the celebration. He could just hear Jester over the noise.

“I mean ‘him’ as in Essek, not Frumpkin, just to be clear! Don’t you kiss a cat too!”

.

.

.

Essek was out on the most remote balcony, having clamored through the crowd in a blind panic after kissing Caleb’s cat instead of Caleb himself. The surroundings had gotten to him. It wasn’t that he was inexperienced, or that he didn’t want to, but it had suddenly felt like immense pressure to perform this kissing tradition, publicly surrounded by friends and strangers and a countdown that only succeeded in making his heartbeat race faster. If Essek could make a list of first kiss situations with Caleb, a public function with a timer would be last on the list.

He was so caught up in his anxious thoughts, he didn’t hear Caleb step in through the window until he was quite close to him.

“Essek-” Caleb took a step back as Essek spun around startled. “Oh, apologies, I didn’t mean to disturb you.”

“No, that is alright, I was just…” There was no honest excuse Essek could give other than “avoiding you out of embarrassment”.

“You know, ah,” Caleb took a deep breath and looked right into Essek’s eyes. “We are both similar in many ways.”

“As you have said.” Essek felt suddenly nervous as to where this conversation was going. The last time Caleb had begun such a speech was a very different party.

“And I believe we both do not excel in crowds like this.” Caleb gestured at the noisy festivities through the window behind them. “Out here, it is much better.”

Essek half-smiled. “The fresh air and quiet do help.”

“I agree.” Caleb took a step forward, although there wasn’t much room to do so on the small balcony. He was inches from Essek again, an imitation of their position from not too long ago. “Would you like to try again?”

“Do you mean…?” Essek could feel his cheeks warming even against the chilly night air.

Caleb smiled. “On our own time, in our own way.”

“Yes.” Essek had no words that could convey the joyous bubble that was rising in him. It wasn’t the wine, it wasn’t the pressure of tradition. He wanted to. “Yes, Caleb, I would very much like-”

Caleb leaned over and gently pressed his lips to Essek’s, lightly at first, seemingly waiting for a response. Essek quickly reached up to tangle a hand in Caleb’s hair, pulling him further in to deepen the kiss. It was the cue Caleb was waiting for. His hands went to Essek’s waist, pulling him flush against him, opening his mouth against Essek’s own. Essek stepped forward, taking Caleb with him, pinning him lightly against the outside wall. They stayed like that for minutes, for hours, they didn’t know. Hands finding sneaky paths under clothes, lips kissing down jaws and necks and collarbones, and then-

BOOM!

Caleb jumped, knocking his forehead against Essek’s.

KABOOM!

“What was that?” Essek turned his head, not wanting to pull away too much from Caleb just yet.

A second eruption of fireworks was exploding into the sky, ear-shockingly close. It seemed the Lavish Chateau was launching their own fireworks right from the roof, the colors and numbers competing with the city’s own midnight display.

Caleb reluctantly let go of Essek’s waist to press a hand to his ear. “Can we-?”

Essek nodded, squinting against the noise. The two of them clamored back inside through the window. The celebration had slowed down a little, some groups and couples certainly retiring to their rooms for the night or continuing a jaunty bar hop through the city, and so Caleb and Essek easily found an empty table in a corner that wasn’t too sticky with spilled drinks. 

Caleb pulled a chair over so there would be two and sat down. Essek ignored the empty chair and sat on Caleb’s lap, facing him with a twinkle in his eyes.

“You know, I think I may have found a little new year's luck after all.” He leaned down, kissing those now-familiar lips again. “Or perhaps some new year’s courage.”

Caleb walked his fingers slowly up Essek’s thighs, smiling through the kiss. “I am very glad we both did. I was...nervous to chase after you.”

“Oh?” Essek drew back. “Did you think I did not want you? Because I certainly do.” He pressed his lips to Caleb’s again.

“Well, you did kiss my cat first.” 

Essek laughed, his breath tickling across Caleb’s lips. “I panicked. Can you blame me?”

“No, I think I would have done the same.” He wrapped his arms around Essek, drawing him closer.

“What, kiss your cat?”

“No, no, Frumpkin has had enough little kisses from me over the years. He really is a spoiled little prince.”

Essek leaned slightly back, looking down at Caleb through his lashes. “Should I be jealous?” There was a dancing grin on his lips.

Caleb reached up, cupping Essek’s jaw, letting his thumb trace gently across Essek’s lower lip. “Less talking, more-”

“Kissing.” Essek finished his sentence and his action, swooping down to hungrily kiss Caleb again. 

.

.

.

They had rung in the new year in their own way, which suited them just fine. The pressure to seek a kiss at midnight may be a tradition, but it wasn’t a rule, not that Essek or Caleb liked to play strict to the rules all the time.

However, much to the delight of their friends and dismay of the new couple, the tradition of an ice water shower to welcome the new year proved to be very, very true. 

[spoiler1001]

This is how it ended. A bloody battle. No Trent. No war. Just Caleb, surrounded by the faces of his loved ones.

Caleb almost laughed bitterly. Yes, he was surrounded by loved ones on both sides of this. If this were astrid or Eodwulf it would be kinder.

As is, the city that deserted their own reckoning rose from the blood of the Tomb Takers. Every slash that drew their blood dropped onto the floor. The icy stone was slick and everyone's boots gained a new reddish mark painting the bottom of their shoes. Caleb's hair slipped out of his tie. It passed his shoulders now. Ikithon would have a shit fit if he saw it. Fuck Ikithon.

The Tomb Takers fell suspiciously easily. They seemed almost willing to do so. Of course they were. They trusted this city. These philosophers. They really were the Assembly of their time. They used and sucked the free will out of their pupils all the same. Only Lucien stood out of all of them left. 

There was a silence that filled the room. The Tomtakers laid towards the center of the room. The Mighty Nein stood around the border of it. Caleb was separated from the others with rocks blocking the view and the others being blocked in by falling rocks. Lucien kept his eyes on Caleb. Caleb raised his hand to summon a spell, for it to sizzle at his fingertips and turn to smoke. Lucien smiled, cocking his head to the side. His tail swished like a cat sizing up his prey. That's all he was to Lucien. Someone that was beneath him, but still a person that he wanted to deal with personally. Caleb blinked weakly at Lucien.

"You are mine!" Lucien drew his rapier. 

"I've always been."  Caleb whispered.

Lucien slashed at Caleb, his expression unreadable. He was cold, numbed. The neutral expression. Caleb wondered if that's what he looked like when he killed his parents.

"You clever asshole. You undermined me at every opportunity. You showed off and condescended towards me. I actually liked you." Lucien chuckled. His footsteps were uneven and he was covered in blood and bruises. Blood dripped from the corner off his mouth. It was the mirror image of when Molly confronted Lorenzo. Lucien swiped at Caleb but slid, missing him. Caleb pitied Lucien, he realized. 

Caleb was staring at an opportunity to meet the raven queen. So was Lucien, really. But Caleb was still himself. This wasn't Lucien anymore. Molly was gone, and he took humility with him.

Lucien hissed and grabbed the back of Caleb's head. They were centimeters apart from each other. Caleb looked Lucien in the eye. 

"You could have been something with us." Lucien hissed.

"I'm happy being myself." Caleb just smiled. 

Lucien hissed, dropping his rapier. He pulled out a dagger, the coloring that brought to mind the carnival glass. The tip was jagged and some places were dulled. There was a hook placed around the handle and Lucien gripped it. Lucien went pale but still was looking at him with a neutral face. Caleb kept the eye contact through the pain of a blade going between his ribs. 

"May you find your peace." Caleb just rasped out, coughing. He went limp, never closing his eyes. Before nothing overtook him, he saw Lucien's mask slip, with tears building in his eyes. Lucien pulled away, falling backwards as Caleb crumbled.

The city became louder and louder. All of the members of the Mighty Nein could hear it, not Just Beau. The snow was melting and the group as a whole could now see the whole room. Caduceus saw it first. Then Fjord. Jester yelled. Veth froze. The city was forming to the side of their gaze. The group was focused on the still form of Caleb Widogast. His blue eyes were open, but he looked at nothing. Veth rushed over. Blood soaked into her coat and she grabbed his head.

"He's still warm." She whispered. Hot tears fell down her cheeks despite the cold. "We can fix this!" Veth looked at the clerics. "You can fix him!" Jester nodded but she was in shock. 

"T-the Traveler can help what about-" Jester knelt down and looked at Caleb. 

"Don't worry about it. Focus on Caleb." Artagon himself seemed to form besides Jester. He looked over his shoulder and flashes of white lights blinked behind them. Caduceus looked at what was happening. 

The woman from the Traveler-con and a male of elven descent with a fungus on the side of his face  were slashing at the malleable blood stone it seemed to be breaking at the slightest touch.

Artagon had Jester's bag and handed her a diamond.

Jester took a deep breath, steadying herself. She whispered softly and the diamond shattered. The shattered pieces turned golden hot and sunk into Caleb. 

Nothing happened. There was no breath. No blinking. He was still gone. Veth screamed.

"He just needs some more convincing." The elven man whispered. Artagon nodded.

"And what do you suggest?" Artagon asked.

"Give him a reason to come back. Give him…" The elven man trailed off, listening. "Give him redemption. There are many sins he seems to regret and now...it looks like you may get two friends out of this." 

"Isn't the Raven Queen against-" Fjord spoke up.

"Fate is Malleable. You will have to figure it out." The man smiled and went back to slashing the stone. The divine magic seemed to be more efficient as the Somnoven were sliced away. Jester pulled out another diamond. She did the same spell but whispered something into his ear.  Nothing. 

"We all need to do this. Tell him something that would convince him to come back." Jester sighed.

Veth whispered something into Caleb's temple. Caduceus hesitated. Then he took some of the moss on his armor and smeared it over his chest in the shape of a heart. Fjord took a second and grabbed Caleb's hand. The room got hotter and hotter until the ice started to crack. The city finally shattered in one last scream. Beau jerked and grabbed her hand. The red eyes were fading but it was hot, searing against the scar from the acid. It was over. The eye was gone. Beau knelt down and hugged Caleb. Yasha ripped off a piece of her cloth and tied his hair back.

A moment passed. Then two. Caleb was breathing, and his eyes flickered closed. 

"One more person has to say something, but he does have a tether in this realm." The elven man nodded before fading into the shadows. The avatar of the Moonweaver stepped up to the group. "You will not be alone in this." She whispered, before fading into a blinding light. 

Jester finally looked over to Lucien. His eyes were still open, head tilted to look Caleb in the eyes. He was pale, bruises locked into his skin and tears streaked out from the corner of his eyes. His chest was still but even given everything, it was obvious that Lucien was dead.

"Caduceus, i want to go home. The hotel where my mother works will be sufficient for this but I want out of here." Jester looked up at Caduceus, who nodded and grabbed as many as he could to teleport to his lighthouse. Jester grabbed the rest and teleported to the hotel. 

-----------

Marion Lavorre was welcoming, despite less than happy circumstances. She let Caleb have the best room. Caleb slept for a long time. A week passes as Artagon and Jester, with a diamond slowly disintegrating. The two of them built Molly back piece by piece. They had to carve out the Molly part of the soul.it was jagged, fragile so they regrettably had to use Lucien's to stabilize it. The eyes of nine were gone, showing that Molly had tried to cover the eyes with blue ink, but it never worked. It was there now. 

Molly opened his eyes. He was shaking and there was one word that he shouted when he woke up. 

"Run!" Molly shouted at the tip of his tongue. 

Jester sat back and was quiet. The weight in her chest was heavy as Molly looked around. Molly finally looked over to Jester and took a deep breath. 

"You're alive!" Molly smiled. Jester just nodded. 

"A lot happened after you died. But Molly, something happened." Jester sighed. 

"Who's hurt?" Molly nodded and grabbed her hand. Jester just grabbed him and pulled him towards the room. Yasha was there keeping watch. 

Jester pulled away. "I'll tell Essek." 

She left in a hurry. 

Yasha looked at Molly. She was frozen. Her jaw was open and she just stared. Molly looked at her. "I'm back Yasha." 

"Molly?" She asked. Molly just nodded. 

Yasha pulled Molly into a bone crushing hug. She was crying. Molly was crying. He looked over to the bed and oh. 

Caleb laid in the bed, under sheets made of warm materials. 

Memories forced its way into his mind. Molly gasped as the memory of his familiar blade slicing into Caleb's chest. Molly collapsed in Yasha's arms. Tears filled his eyes as the realization of this moment. There was no context in his mind. There was just the image of this moment and Caleb wishing him peace. 

Molly wrapped his tail around his own leg. 

"It's ok. It's going to be ok." Yasha promised. Molly slipped away and stumbled his way to Caleb's bedside. He was so pale…

Molly cupped Caleb's cheek. He was warm, there was a pulse and he was breathing. He just wasn't lively. Molly let tears fall.

"I shouldn't be the thing that extinguishes you. You're so bright, so powerful. There should be time for everything later." Molly whispered and placed a kiss on Caleb's forehead. 

Caleb took a deep breath and opened his eyes. "Is this peace?" 

Molly looked at him and held his breath. 

"Molly…?" Caleb's eyebrows bunched up. 

Molly just nodded. "I'm here." 

The bedroom door opened and Jester walked in with a drow elf. The elf rushed to Caleb's side and Molly backed away. Caleb reached for him but Molly was out of reach. The rest of the group, barr Fjord, jumped into the room. They all stormed the bed to see Caleb slowly wake up. 

Molly walked out of the room. Fjord was standing in the hallway. The weapons Molly could vaguely feel connected to and the dagger that Molly had full memories of were hanging off of Fjord's belt. Molly could understand that. He went back to the room Jester woke him up in. The bed was made and Molly laid down to try to rest.

-------------

Molly was deep in sleep when a knock on his door was heard. He was groggy but was awakened by it enough to open the door. Caleb was face to face with Molly, inches apart.

"You left." Caleb said simply. There was no anger or hurt. This was just a fact. Molly couldn't look Caleb in the eye. "I wanted you there."

"I didn't want to crowd you." Molly whispered. 

"Bullshit." Caleb sighed. "I don't blame you for this. I barely blame Lucien. I blame myself for allowing you to die." 

Molly flinched. "You didn't stab me." 

"But I lead the mission." Caleb sighed. Molly was able to get a look at Caleb and Molly noted that Caleb looked good. Better than he remembered. He had pants on, but no shirt, covered by a blanket that Caleb was holding like a cape. Molly took a step back and Caleb stepped through. "I missed you so much." Caleb's voice cracked. "Can I sleep here, so when I wake up, I'll immediately know you're still here." 

Molly just nodded. "I'll stay until you tell me otherwise." 

Caleb finally relaxed and laid on the bed, under the covers and his own makeshift cape, and Molly, with trembling hands, laid in the bed, only to be grabbed and held by Caleb. 

"I love you Mollymauk. I wish I could have told you before." Caleb whispered into Molly's chest. 

Molly wept. "One day I will earn that and will say it back to you." 

[commic-jester]

For your prompt spoiler for 129

Okay Cad's Revivy didn't work. Caleb has to use his Transmuter Stone.

why must you hurt me in this way anon /lh

disclaimer!! i don’t know a lot about the transmuter’s stone in terms of critical role so im going strictly off dnd stats!! idk how important it is to the current story!! im sorry if this is a bit ooc!! also kinda channeled my inner matt mercer for this one dksfdjk-

‼️SPOILERS FOR EP 129 HUGE FUCKIN SPOILERS‼️

TW: temporary child death!! please be safe y’all!!!

Last Resort

—

It didn’t work.

It didn’t fucking work.

Caleb watched as Caduceus’s spell faded into nothing, the charred, lifeless body of Luc, a mere child, lying still in Marion’s arms. The red tiefling woman’s face crumpled once more as she covered her mouth with her hand, choking out a sob.

“Caduceus...?” Veth’s voice was small, broken. The adrenaline of the battle had worn off, the mother’s rage at the now dead creature that had killed her son simmering down into small embers instead of a raging flame.

Caduceus himself was horrified. It shook Caleb to his core, to see Caduceus so open with his emotions. The cleric was known to be gentle, supporting, but closed off with his own emotions. Now, though, the firbolg was staring at the lifeless body, his hands beginning to glow with another _Revivify, _until the small hand of Veth reached out to stop him. The cleric was clearly exhausted already.

Caleb looked around frantically. Yeza was broken, sobbing forcefully into his son’s chest. Veth had laid her head on her husband’s shoulders, her shoulders shaking violently but with no noise. Marion was crying as well, gently carding her fingers through the toddler’s hair. Jester was next to Caduceus, who was sat back on his heels, staring blankly at the toddler, tears silently streaming down his face. Jester was whispering small reassurances to the firbolg, who clearly wasn’t having any of it by the way he would gently shake his head.

Caleb shook himself out of it. He had to do something. 

He rummaged through his bag, desperately digging for something, anything—

The transmuter’s stone.

He knew it would shatter after this use, given that it even worked at all. It was a gamble, but as far as he knew it was the only chance they had at the moment. Losing the stone was better than losing Luc.

He shoved his way past Caduceus, who looked up, slightly confused.

Placing the stone on Luc’s chest, Caleb muttered a few arcane words and watched as the stone pulsed with a faint glow.

A beat of silence. Two. Panic began bubbling inside Caleb’s chest. He didn’t necessarily worship any gods, that was more Jester and Caduceus’s areas, but he could have sworn he began subconsciously muttering a quiet prayer.

One more beat of silence, and the stone suddenly exploded in a blinding flash of orange and gold, a shattering sound ringing through the chamber as fragments of the small ringed stone went flying across the molten cavern. 

Everyone in the cavern released a collective breath as Luc drew in a gasping one, coughing violently. Veth and Yeza both dashed forward, wrapping their son in a near crushing hug. 

Caleb fell back onto his heels, not unlike Caduceus. Caleb buried his head in his hands, reminding himself that he had no right to cry. If he had just been stronger, more cautious. If he hadn’t gone fucking unconscious. If he had just dealt with the elementals sooner--

A large hand came to rest on his shoulder, and Caleb looked up to see an exhausted, but gently smiling Caduceus.

“You did good.”

“I did what I had to.”

Caduceus frowned. “Caleb, don’t tell me you’re blaming yourself for this.”

Caleb sighed. “I was weak. If I just killed that fucking elemental sooner. If I hadn’t dragged every one of you into this mess in the first fucking place, he’s a child!”

Caduceus placed both hands on Caleb’s shoulder this time. “Hey, hey. None of this is anyone’s fault, ok?” he said, then chuckled slightly. “Caleb, you, quite literally, can’t fight fire with fire. As for ‘dragging’ all of us into this, I think you should know by now that we would all follow each other to the ninth circle of Hell if it meant one of us was safe. After all the shit we’ve been through? I don’t think anything you could have said would have convinced us otherwise.”

Caleb sighed. “I could have done more.”

Caduceus shrugged. “Maybe. Maybe not. We’ll never know, though, will we? What’s important is that the elementals are dead, Luc is safe, and no one is terribly hurt.” 

Caleb didn’t respond, instead standing up and focusing on setting up the magical dome that would keep them safe, at least for a bit. When they were all rested up, they would get the hell out of here as soon as they could with Jester’s magic.

When Caleb finally got the dome up, he sat inside, looking over as Jester massaged Caduceus’s likely tense shoulders. He smiled gently as the large firbolg practically fell asleep.

He jumped slightly as a tiny hand came to rest on his knee, and he looked down to see little Luc looking up at him with large, innocent eyes that nearly broke Caleb’s heart. 

“You have really cool magic, Uncle Caleb,” The small child said quietly as to not wake any of the people sleeping. Caleb gave sad, small chuckle. He didn’t deserve that nickname. 

“It is pretty cool, isn’t it?” Caleb replied quietly, deciding to indulge him. He snapped once, Frumpkin appearing on Luc’s shoulder. The child laughed and pet the cat as it curled around his shoulders, purring. Caleb looked up to see Yeza and Veth clutching onto each other, smiling sadly at their son playing with the cat. Caleb saw Yeza look up at him, tear stains visible on the halfling man’s face. The man looked at him with a gratitude so strong Caleb almost had to look away. After a few beats Caleb saw Yeza mouth the words “thank you”.

Caleb looked away, not responding. He held back a sniffle of his own, and instead lied down in his own cot away from the rest of the group.

Caleb knew he’d carry that guilt with him for a long time, but for now, Caleb decided he would rest in the small comfort that Luc was safe, none of his friends were hurt (that he knew of -- he had no idea about Fjord, Beau, and Yasha), and the families would be hopefully safe at the Evening Nip in the coming days. With that, he rested, not peacefully, but rested nonetheless. The Mighty Nein had survived possibly their worst challenge yet, and it wasn’t in the form of a dragon or beholder. 

Gods provide they survived the next.

--

reblogs > likes!!

[iatethepomegranate]

We are not alone in the dark with our demons, Chapter 13

In which Caleb buys a house in Rexxentrum with Beau and Yasha, becomes a professor, and learns to be a person. And, amid all of that, confronts his past by helping others like him.

Content warnings: traumatised child, starvation (referenced), very brief hint of lifespan angst

Chapter summary: Caleb is good with kids. Clerics are good with Calebs.

Chapter notes: Chapter title is from An Act of Kindness by Bastille. Pardon the comma splice; it gave me a better vibe than anything else.

***

Chapter 13: Kindness is what you showed to me, it holds me 'til I ache

Much later, Caleb tucked Luc into bed. The boy had been dozing for some time now, and Caleb himself was exhausted. He and Essek retreated to the spare bedroom. The room wasn’t large, and therefore the bed took up most of the space, but it wasn’t the most cramped quarters the two of them had shared. It was warm, lived-in, and belonged to one of Caleb’s dearest friends in the world.

Caleb flung off his coat, tossing it onto the chair crammed in the corner of the bedroom. Essek hovered closer, deftly plucking the buttons of Caleb’s shirt until it opened. Essek kissed Caleb’s collarbone, and slid the shirt down his arms, tossing it onto the coat.

“Did I make you uncomfortable earlier?” Essek asked, slowly running his fingers across the reddish-brown hair on Caleb’s chest.

“No. I was surprised, is all.” And very tired, but he knew Essek was aware of that.

Essek kissed Caleb’s sternum, just below the meeting of his collar bones. “We can discuss this another time. I just want you to know I am not trying to… discard you.”

“I know.”

“Good.”

They undressed. If they had been alone, they probably would have just collapsed naked on the bed, but there was a child in the house who had no boundaries, so they drew on the last dregs of their energy to pull on nightshirts and climb under the covers.

Essek wanted to be the big spoon tonight, and Caleb indulged him. It was adorable, really, given Essek was significantly smaller than him and wound up looking like a humanoid backpack. But the soft, warm pressure of Essek’s body was soothing as always, and Caleb drifted asleep.

For a while.

Then, there was a soft tapping on the door. And then the hinges creaked. Essek was already sitting up, so Caleb lay there a moment longer.

“Luc,” said Essek. “Are you all right?”

The boy didn’t speak, but he did sniffle. Caleb dragged his pants off the chair and stepped into them. Then, even in the dark, he found Luc’s small form and knelt before him.

“What happened, liebling?”

In the light from the moon, and the permanent driftglobe in the hallway Caleb had Pumat make for the Brenattos as a housewarming gift, he could see Luc swipe tears from his cheeks. Then he held up his arms in the universal signal for carry me.

Caleb scooped Luc into his arms and stood, settling the boy’s weight on his hip. Luc buried his face in Caleb’s shirt.

“Is there anything I can do?” Essek asked, halfway out of bed.

“Nein. I’ll step into the hallway. You rest.”

Essek huffed at him, but climbed back into bed. Caleb took Luc into the hallway and shut the bedroom door. Out here, it was easier to see the tension through Luc’s tiny body. He had Caleb’s shirt tightly gripped in his fists.

“Did you have a nightmare?” Caleb asked softly. Luc nodded. “All right. Would you like to talk about it?” Luc shook his head. “All right. I will hang onto you for a while, until you can sleep again. Does that sound good?” Luc nodded.

Caleb normally tried not to dwell too much on the memories of his childhood in Blumenthal, especially when he was out of sorts, but he could recall a conversation his mother had with a woman who had asked her advice on putting her newborn to sleep. He could hear his mother’s voice, sweet and gentle towards the woman who was on the verge of exhausted tears. Una had told her to hold the baby and walk up and down the house, slowly, until he fell asleep. It was not a sure thing, but it could help.

So Caleb slowly paced up and down the hallway, rubbing Luc’s back. He swayed a little as he walked, like his mother had once done for him. Even when he was just old enough to remember. Just a little younger than Luc was now, as Caleb had started to remember things very young. Not with the same clarity as he did as an adult, but more than most children at that age.

After some time of wearing a path into the wooden floor, Luc’s grip on his shirt loosened a little. The boy settled into Caleb’s arms more comfortably.

“Uncle Caleb?” His voice was still thick with years.

“Ja, liebling?”

“Can you tell me the story of the cat prince again?”

“Ja, of course.” Caleb had the story memorised in Zemnian and Common by now. For a long time, he had only known it in Zemnian because of the nights his mother and father had read it to him, over and over. Since reading it to Jester, however, he could tell it in Common almost as well. And he had told it to Luc several times before.

He continued to slowly pace as he told the tale, quietly into Luc’s ear. Luc relaxed by inches. Yeza poked his head out of his bedroom door and watched quietly. They barely made it through the reveal of the cat in his crown of golden leaves, before Luc had relaxed fully, asleep against Caleb’s chest.

Yeza, who had been tense himself, also relaxed. “Thank you,” he whispered.

Caleb smiled at him, not daring to speak lest he wake Luc. He slowly carried the boy to bed, tucking him in with a kiss on the forehead he decided to give at the last second. He crept out, closing the door. He and Yeza leaned their ears against the wood, listening for a moment. When it seemed that Luc was properly asleep, they stepped away.

“He’s been like this a lot,” Yeza whispered. “At first, when we were in the hideout, I thought he was gonna be okay. And he was for a while, until we came back home. Veth’s been good with him, but it’s wearing on her. On both of us.”

“These things often don’t hit right away,” Caleb replied quietly.

“Yeah, Veth said that, too.” Yeza sighed. “You’re good with him. Where’d you learn that?”

Caleb shrugged. “My mother, and I remember the things Veth has done to help me. I am not a little boy, but the principles are similar.”

“We need to have you over more often.” The exhaustion was all too evident in Yeza’s voice. “Your students will be lucky to have you.”

Caleb managed a smile through his own exhaustion, and that personal brand of self-loathing that rarely went away. “We will see. Gute nacht, Yeza.”

“Goodnight, Caleb.”

They separated. Caleb went back to the guest room, where Essek was sitting cross-legged on the bed in his trance. As soon as Caleb slipped under the covers, Essek shifted.

“Is everything all right?”

“Ja, Luc’s asleep.” Caleb buried his face in the pillow with a sigh.

“You are good with children. Have you ever considered…” Essek laughed softly. “Hm. I feel that is a loaded question, given our relationship.”

Caleb put the meaning together. “Ja, I don’t know. I used to see myself raising a family when I was younger, but… things got complicated. Maybe in time. For now, let’s see how I go as a teacher.”

Essek hummed softly, and did not continue the discussion. This required both of them to be more energised. Given the difference in their lifespans, and the fact Essek was a wanted criminal and Caleb a likely target for members of the Assembly looking to cover their tracks, it would not be an easy decision. It could wait. It needed to.

Caleb reached out blindly until he found Essek’s knee. “Cuddle me.”

Essek chuckled. “All right.” He lay down, manhandling Caleb until they were both in a more comfortable position, Essek’s head tucked under Caleb’s chin.

***

The morning was warm and bright, and Essek was soft in Caleb’s arms. Back home, Caleb would have held Essek close, slowly rubbing the heat of Essek’s back through his shirt until they were both too distracted to make it to breakfast. Here, however, he had to make do with several deep, promising kisses. And Essek grazing his collarbone with his teeth, one hand between Caleb’s thighs, until they both took a deep breath and, regrettably, stopped.

Maybe they would take the tower tonight, or a room at the Chateau. Veth would Send to them if she needed help with Luc. She had begged Essek to teach her so she could keep up the ruse that Yasha could communicate with her across distances. Caleb was fairly certain Yasha was fucking with her by this point, but he always enjoyed watching Essek teach.

Regretfully, Caleb forced himself out of bed and away from Essek’s wandering hands. He was definitely grumbling under his breath as he dressed, while Essek reclined in bed and watched with warm amusement.

“What’s so funny?” Caleb muttered, stumbling into his trousers.

“Caleb Widogast.” Essek smiled sweetly. “You’re cute when you’re grumpy.”

“I am pretending I didn't hear that,” Caleb said weakly. Because he was this close to jumping back into bed with this man.

Essek took pity on him and climbed out of bed to dress, though the way he pressed up against Caleb’s back to kiss his neck was pure evil. Nevertheless, the two of them managed to get dressed and out of the bedroom without further incident.

Luc seemed more like himself at breakfast, fiddling with his crossbow once again. Veth kissed Caleb on the cheek in a silent thank you for the previous night. Essek, as usual, braided Caleb’s hair after breakfast.

“Where’d you learn how to do that?” Veth asked, as Yeza brushed her hair and braided it as well.

“My brother,” Essek said, with a professional tone that sometimes came out when he wasn’t prepared to express a particular emotion. He tied off one braid at the side of Caleb’s head, starting on the other side. “Verin was always a handful. I learned to fix the mess he made of his hair when he was off climbing trees or chasing animals, or people. It was important we both presented ourselves well, and that included grooming.” His fingernails lightly grazed Caleb’s scalp. “Verin… well. Someone had to fix his hair, preferably before our mother found out.”

There was something a little steely in Essek’s voice. A defense mechanism probably. Essek rarely spoke of his family, especially now that he probably wouldn’t see them again. Caleb got the impression Essek wouldn’t miss most of them, but he may have been closer to Verin.

Essek finished the second braid and pulled them into a half-ponytail at the back of Caleb’s head. He sighed, and ran his fingers through the rest of Caleb’s hair far longer than strictly necessary. Caleb caught his wrist and squeezed, just for a moment.

***

After breakfast, Caleb and Essek headed to the Chateau following a message from Caduceus requesting Caleb’s presence. Essek peeled off to trade novels with Marion, leaving the three of them alone in Jester’s childhood bedroom. Here, Caduceus and Jester had set up a scrying ritual. The materials were mostly floral in nature, indicating this was for Caduceus.

Caleb caught on immediately, though he didn’t get the words out before Jester shoved him onto her bed. Then, it was irrelevant, as Caduceus had already begun the ritual to scry on Nico. Caleb appreciated they had asked him to be here for it.

Jester sat with Caleb, nuzzling his shoulder and very nearly stabbing his eye out with her horns. And, of course, squeezing him so hard he was afraid of cracking a rib. It felt good, though. The anxiety coiling in his gut struggled to keep its foothold.

He had been afraid to ask Caduceus or Jester to scry on Nico again. What if the thing he feared most had come true? Nico’s fireball had knocked Caleb out cold. That really should not have been possible, even if Caleb had the constitution of wet tissue paper. He was still much tougher than he used to be.

Unlike Caleb, Nico didn’t have clerics on hand to pull him from the jaws of death. Nico could have curled up to sleep one night, out in the cold, and not had the strength to wake up again. Even when he hadn’t been injured, Caleb had come close to freezing to death many times in the years between Vergesson and Veth. The eleven years of no magic, and his long-discarded outright fear of fire, had almost spelled his doom.

Maybe Caleb’s messages never received a reply because the recipient was no longer alive. He was not experienced with the Sending spell; maybe he was misreading the lack of response. Maybe there was a pattern in the magic that should have told him whether the message met its mark. Caleb knew he was smart. He knew he was methodical. But he was also emotional. Maybe he had missed something.

Jester squeezed him tighter. He was spiralling. He had to breathe. He had to think. Panicking was of no use. If Nico was dead, they needed to find his body. It had only been a few days, and Caleb had created a new Transmuter’s Stone--focusing on that had helped steel his nerves these past few days. And he was sure Jester and Caduceus had the right quality of diamonds. Even if Nico was dead, he could still be saved.

And if he was alive, they needed to know. They needed to keep trying to talk to him, try to get him to safety in whatever way they could. And even though Caleb had never had a proper conversation with the boy, he knew he would do anything to keep him safe. Anything.

What Nico was going through now, Caleb had suffered alone. He would never wish that on anyone.

Being held by Jester always brought up complicated feelings, but he was grateful she was there to physically hold him together. She was babbling about something, and Caleb genuinely tried to listen, but most of his focus was split between his whirling thoughts and watching Caduceus.

He did catch the end of her babble.

“And then King said, ‘Were you gonna tell me I had magic blood or was I supposed to find that out when I cut myself shaving?’” Her voice dropped to a conspiratorial whisper. “He found out because he cut himself shaving.”

Caduceus jolted, and then he was back with them. “Nope.”

The words fell out of Caleb’s mouth before he had fully considered them. “Can you tell the difference between resisting the scry and…” His brain caught up with his mouth, and choked him.

Caduceus stepped in before Caleb could spiral further. “Yeah, we can tell the difference. He resisted.” Caduceus began to collect the flowers, bundled herbs, ashes, and bone fragments. A piece of petrified wood Caleb had found him during their travels. A few botanical drawings made by Jester. Fresh seaweed from Fjord. He carefully scooped up each piece of the ritual and put them away.

Okay. Nico was alive. That was something. But they couldn’t see him. He could have been anywhere within a few days of Rexxentrum, and each of those places was freezing cold. Nico had fire, but did he have the capacity to use it? Had he found shelter? Water? Where the fuck was he?

And it was possible to be alive and conscious and on death’s door. He wasn’t dead. Yet. That could change at any moment. Caleb needed to know. He couldn’t take this uncertainty anymore.

“Jester.” His voice was little more than a scratchy whisper. “Please.” Talking hurt.

She gave him one last squeeze and let go. “Of course, Cayleb. I’ll try. Caduceus gave me a picture.” She slid onto the floor and began to set out little dick statues. A tiny figurine of the Traveller. A little collection of unicorn statues, many of which were new to Caleb. “Hey, Artie. We really need to see what Nico’s doing, okay?”

Caleb no longer had Truesight, but Artagan never bothered to hide his presence in Sprinkle anymore. Or when his cloak would appear and sweep over Jester. He only hid from the Nein to fuck with them these days. So, the green flash of Sprinkle’s eyes and the sweep of a green cloak were a familiar sight by now.

Caduceus took Jester’s place on the bed beside him. Neither Caduceus nor Caleb were given to filling empty space with sound unless they genuinely had something to say, so they sat quietly. Shoulders barely touching, but that was enough of an anchor for Caleb to stay calm.

Time crawled by as Jester worked through the ritual, until, finally, she looked into the distance. And she wasn’t seeing the room. Hope bloomed, sharp and painful, in Caleb’s chest.

“I see him,” she said. “It’s hard to see anything else. I think I can see green but I can’t make out shapes. Nico’s sitting on… grass, I think? There’s a campfire. Bandages. He found bandages somewhere! He looks pale, but… focused. I think? He’s bandaging his arm.”

She spent the next ten minutes describing everything Nico did. Aside from bandaging, he spent most of the time staring into the campfire. He’d found a coat somewhere, but no shoes. Shivering a bit, but nothing that would indicate a threat of hypothermia. Best she could tell, he was surviving.

Until they could get him to come back, that would have to be enough.

Once Jester had finished scrying, she squeezed onto the bed on Caleb’s other side. “Are you okay, Caleb?”

“Ja.” Knowing Nico was more or less in one piece, and did not seem to be in immediate danger, had lifted a great weight from Caleb’s ribcage. “Thank you. I was afraid to ask. Caduceus, I hate to ask that you spend another spell, but...”

Caduceus waited patiently, smiling faintly as he often did. He would say yes. Caleb knew he would.

So, despite feeling weird about asking for things like this, he did anyway. “Would you mind asking the Wildmother a few questions?”

“Give me three questions and one minute,” was all Caduceus said in response.

Caleb had spent so long worrying about this kid that coming up with three questions was easy. “First, is he in the Pearlbow Wilderness? Second, has he found clean water in the last twenty-four hours? Third, has he eaten since Rexxentrum?”

Caduceus slid to the floor once again and began setting up the ritual. “Good questions to ask, with simple answers.”

The wait was easier this time, knowing that Nico wasn’t dead, or close to it. The burning incense curled through the air, reminding Caleb fondly of his time with Frumpkin. He hoped his little friend was having a good time, wherever he was.

“Is Nicolaus Baumann in the Pearlbow Wilderness?” Caduceus asked quietly, eyes closed. Caleb could not sense the Wildmother’s response, but Caduceus nodded to himself. “Has the boy found clean drinking water in the last twenty-four hours?” A moment, and Caduceus nodded again. “Has he eaten since the meal I fed him in Rexxentrum?” This moment stretched longer, and the corner of Cad’s mouth tightened. He released the ritual, blinking his eyes clear until he could focus on them. “Nico’s in the Pearlbow Wilderness and has found clean drinking water in the last day. He has not eaten since Rexxentrum.”

Caleb swallowed around the lump in his throat. “Thank you, Caduceus.” Those words could not adequately express his gratitude; how much lighter he felt knowing that Nico was surviving. They could get him back to Rexxentrum. Caleb would keep talking to him, as would Felix. It was doable. “And, Jester. Thank you.”

The two clerics exchanged a look, laced with meaning that Caleb could not read. But he suspected they had discussed this whole thing in detail long before they had invited Caleb here. He wasn’t sure he would ever get used to having friends who would literally team up to take care of him like that. It frightened him a little, but he knew the fear was irrational. They loved him as much as he loved them. Not always in the same way, especially when it came to Jester, but it was love all the same.

Then Jester’s mood shifted, and she was grinning. “Hey, Cay-leb.”

“...ja?”

“Did Essek bring his parasol?”

“Ja, of course. It’s Nicodranas.”

“Cool! I got you guys a huge beach umbrella. Meet us downstairs in an hour.” She kissed his cheek, and tore out of her room. “BEACH TRIP!!”

Caduceus chuckled softly, unfolding himself from the floor. “She has been planning this all day.”

“Ja, I figured.” Caleb had missed the beach. So different from his old life that it was easier to let go of things there. “Are you coming?”

Caduceus laughed openly at that. Of course he was coming. Nobody said no to Jester Lavorre.

This was probably the last time the two of them would be alone in a while. There were things Caleb wanted to say. Needed to.

“Caduceus,” said Caleb. “Thank you. For all of this.”

“Caleb.” Caduceus smiled, but he allowed the sadness of it to break through. “You were alone for a long time. So was I. So were… all of us. We’ve all grown together. And you… I always knew you were being shaped into something. What that something was… that was your choice. Reaching out to people who went through what you have, taking your pain and what you have learned to protect them from the worst of your experiences… that’s growth, Caleb. You’re healing. I’m proud of you. We all are.”

The words hit hard, drawing tears from the corners of Caleb’s eyes. But they were good tears. It felt like a poison was leaving his body.

“You helped,” Caleb said, standing to face Caduceus properly. “All of you. And I know I didn’t always listen to you, but I remember everything. Your words mean a lot to me. Thank you.” He felt a surge of affection and a sob escaped his throat. “Can I hug you?”

“Of course.”

It had never occurred to Caleb that firbolgs would give great hugs. They had giant heritage and were stronger than they looked. Caleb had come to prefer hugs that crushed his soul back into his body, so this was perfect. He let Caduceus squish him, tucking his face into the folds of his robe. Caduceus always smelled of herbs and earth. A grounding, calming scent to match a grounding, calming man.

Caduceus had been exactly what the Nein, and Caleb himself, had needed after they lost Molly. And he continued to fill that role, gladly, even when it caused him personal pain. Caleb loved him dearly.

They were still hugging when Jester came to grab a few things from her room, and she gladly jumped in, babbling about the beach trip and all the plans she had made for it.

Caleb breathed easier than he had in days.

[co-habit-ation]

Tumblr version:

The three Horrors stood there, just watching as Briar left them. None spoke a word as their faces screamed their emotions instead. 

Doby cast his gaze downward. They were mad at him… he could just feel it. But how was he supposed to know they'd lead Briar right to her escape? Even if they didn't know about her mates… 

Well it's not his fault Briar didn't tell them she had other lovers! It's not… 

He didn't even realize he had begun to shake until Painter placed his hand over his shoulder. "It's alright," He spoke gently. "None of us knew she would do this."  He squeezed gently. 

Doby knew it should have felt reassuring but it only made the pit in his gut deeper. He knew. He knew she'd run from them the moment she caught sight of her mates. 

But he kept a tight tongue. And for what? For friendship? Fat lot of good that did him.

He groaned in frustration. All this anger and malice was doing him no good.

Then without warning, Clockwork lifted him over her back. He tried to protest. To tell her that he was fine. But she had none of it. "Your leg's injured." She snapped as she pulled him up against her. 

He knew Clockwork enough to know that arguing was futile. So he just mumbled his thanks and rested his muddled mind into her soft hood. 

Once he was asleep the other two started walking again.

Clockwork asked as they neared an old stump, “What are we going to tell HABIT?” 

Bloody Painter paused a moment before answering his mate. “A half truth. We tell him we came out here for the trade and that Briar went willingly to the faceless things side.” Clockwork raised an eyebrow. He continued on. “There’s not much else we could say. We can’t say she’s dead. He’s too invested in her to believe that without a body. We can only hope our punishment is light.”  

“Or we could tell him the whole truth. That Briar was a lying bitch who hid everything from us.” Clockwork snapped. Her body grew tense without being able to work out the rage. 

“HABIT has never told us full truths either and we’d both put our necks on the line for him. If Briar had saved you in some way you’d just have settled with my plan.” Bloody Painter snapped back. He soothed his own fury out. Best not to start a fight with the young Horror still sleeping.  “She was never like us, HABIT kidnapped her.” He rationalized. “We never even asked if she had anyone before us. We just assumed… she was probably terrified to contradict us.” A cold wind blew over his shoulders, compelling him to speak the truth. “Because he really wasn’t kind to Briar. So with us being so loyal to him, was she really supposed to trust us?” 

This seemed to shut the older Horror up. 

“I’m sorry Natalie. Let’s just get back to the Warren.” He pressed their cheeks together and gently began to purr into her ear. 

This seemed to slightly ease her. She nuzzled into him. “Okay Helen. But you better carry the kid once we reach the city.”

“Anything for you.” He kissed her head and turned away. He then led the way to their home, never letting his mate or friend out of his sight. 

------

The three reached an outpost by the time the sun reached her peak in the sky. The tangy sweet scent of freshly slaughtered humans drifted from the doorway. Bloody Painter instructed Clockwork. “Take Third Base to a ditch. Follow me once you're sure he’s hidden.”

 He moved into the shade surrounding the home. Much like the cats that roamed the warren, he pressed his body low to the ground. Though he couldn’t strike like a cat it definitely gave him an advantage. No one exactly expects a huge man to be creeping so low. 

The back door lay inside the outpost. Blood smeared across the floor surrounding it. He backed up. Probably some creature. Best to just leave it. 

Something inhuman grabbed a hold of his neck. Whatever had grabbed him was colder than a raging blizzard. He shivered and tensed up under the cool grip.

“Hey Skinny. I found another one for your coat.” The voice sounded a little far off even as they pulled him closer. Bloody Painter grabbed his knife and struck at the figure. The blade sliced easily through them, too easily. He dropped from their grip.

That's when it clicked in his head. His assailant was a ghost.

He pulled his knife away. He had to get to Clockwork and Third Base. They needed to be warned.

His neck hair stood on end and he dove to the side. Where he had been a bony hand grasped air. 

The ghost had an accomplice. One a lot more solid. He slammed his knife into the bony attacker. His attack was received with the audible breaking of wood. Followed by a brief shower of splinters. 

The wooden creature grabbed a hold of him quickly. But he didn’t go down easily. He drew his knife again and aimed to entirely sever the skeleton's arm. The ghost caught his blade through his own hand. They let out a sharp gasp. 

It’s clear the two hadn’t been in many fights. Painter yanked his knife out for another strike. 

But it seemed the ghost was a quick learner as they scattered a pouch of powder over Painter’s sight. 

He was quickly pinned by the skeleton in the brief confusion.

When his vision cleared he noticed Clockwork approaching the battle, her knife drawn and stance low. He couldn’t risk her getting injured. Not with their fastest member passed out. “Clockwork!” He snapped. “Get to HABIT. I can survive until reinforcements arrive!” He kicked out at the stunned ghost. 

“Wait!” The wooden skeleton suddenly shrieked. “You’re allied with the demon HABIT?” 

Bloody Painter blood grew colder. “Go!” He commanded Clockwork. She took off as soon as he gave the command.

This eased his chill a little. At least she was safe. Because while there was a slight, ever so slim chance they could be allies. It was not worth the risk. Their demon had many enemies who would gladly kill anyone allied with him just to get the thrill of pulling one over on him.  And while Helen was already prepared to die he couldn’t bear Clockwork suffering the same fate. 

“We aren’t enemies of his,” The hovering ghost snapped. “We actually came to find him.”

“We wished to ally ourselves with him. That’s why we were traveling along this route. ” The skeleton elaborated. “From our understanding he… likes to collect Horrors and we are Horrors looking for a base and allies.” His jaw creaked with the effort of his words. Despite the unpleasant noises that accompanied them Painter found his words calming in the situation.

Though that left him with a decision. To trust or to continue the fight. Then again it wasn’t exactly a hard decision. If they trusted them and they ended up being traitors, HABIT or Clockwork could easily kill them. 

“Alright. You can meet HABIT, but we must remain here until Clockwork returns.” He lowered his knife but kept it unsheathed. “Who are you?”

“My name is Skintaker.” The skeleton rasped. “And my unsightly companion is Jester.” 

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

tapestry 👑 II

Warnings: eventual dark elements (tags to be added as fic continues)

This is dark!(king)Steve and explicit. 18+ only.

Summary: King Steven had a wandering eye but you never thought it would fall upon you.

This Chapter: The reader finds herself drawn into courtly intrigue.

Note: Here’s part 2. I’m having fun and I have so many ideas for this. Yes, this is inspired by lots of medieval shows like the Tudor and the White Queen etc. but this will be 100% gratuitous whatever I want it to be so hold onto to your panties. I really hope you enjoy. 💋

<3 Let me know what you think with a like or reblog or reply! Love ya!

Rose played with the pearl at her throat. You watched her fingers as she toyed with the small orb. The queen’s voice filled the small chambers as she read the poem in a gentle rhythm. You hadn’t caught enough words to string them together. 

You tore your eyes away and watched your hands smooth out your charcoal coloured skirts. Your drab attire stuck out grossly among the pale silks and rich satins. You father loathed your plainness, your insistence on simplicity. But he hadn’t enough money for seamstresses and you made your own dresses or altered your sister’s worn garments. You didn’t mind simple. You didn’t need beading or gilted embroidery. No pearl or jewel hung at your throat.

The spectre of your father loomed in your mind. You’d received a letter that morning with news of your sister’s labour. A boy. Healthy. Your father would be pleased but when he returned, your own failure would be even more stark in his mind. 

You had no husband, no prospects either. You could not spend your life as one of the queen’s pets. Especially given the events of the banquet. A day passed since but the scene remained in the minds of the court. The queen betrayed little concern but Rose was all too obvious in her newly found spite for you. You only wanted to hide behind your hood and be forgotten.

“My lady,” The queen’s voice drew your attention. She looked at you with kind eyes. Perhaps she didn’t begrudge you the king’s fleeting eye. Perhaps, you reassured yourself, she knew it was little more than a show. “I know you do prefer this ode, would you grace us with a reading?”

You stared back at the queen. She was talking to you but you wondered why. The ladies took turns at recitation but you weren’t a favoured narrator. You liked to listen and found your voice too brittle to compare to Eleanor’s refined evocation.

“As you wish, your highness,” You stood and stepped forward to take the book from her. You cleared your throat and resumed your seat as you eyed the verse. ‘Upon the morrow she waits…’

You kept your voice as steady as you could. Spoke to the room instead of your chest. Your habit of tucking your chin in threatened to lower your head. 

“Listen to her…” The whisper underlined your voice but you ignored it. “Sounds like a dying sparrow.”

You refused to look at Rose as she simpered. As she muttered her displeasure. A hush came from the other side of the room, you suspected the queen’s gentle breath. You were thankful for her diligence.

You spoke to the ceiling, not the ladies. Pretended you were some great jester regailing a tribe of travelling knights. Imagined you were anywhere but here. And when you finished, you were dragged back to the insufferable room of ladies.

You held the book open and offered it back to the queen with a small thank you. She nodded and took it. You sat and held back a sigh. Rose sneered at you from across the room and leaned over to whisper to Beatrice. You turned to watch the queen give the book to Mabel. You folded your hands together and listened.

You lowered your head and the dread rose again. Your father would return shortly and what would he think? You prayed that the voices turned to other matters. That the rumours continued to swirl around Rose and left you alone. She relished in the courtly gossip, eager to be the inspiration for such tales. You wilted at too much light and felt yourself much too exposed already.

Some time, during your ruminations, Mabel’s voice was replaced again with the queen’s. Eleanor read another lyric and closed the book. You glanced up as she dismissed the circle of ladies, bidding them to ready for the evening’s meal. No banquet that night, a simple gathering in the queen’s receiving chamber followed by your night prayers.

The ladies stood and you waited for the others to shuffle out. Their skirts filled the space and pressed against each other as they made their exit. You made to follow but a familiar voice called your name. As you turned back, another peeked too. Rose’s blue eye was sharp as she took note of the request.

You turned and smiled at the queen. Your lips quivered nervously as the skirts continued to whish out the door. Finally, the hinges whined and the wood clattered. You were left alone with Eleanor. 

“My lady, would you sit with me a moment?” She asked as she resumed her seat on the cushioned bench.

“Your highness,” You approached and sat next to her. Her green eyes shone like emeralds in her oval face. “I would be most pleased.”

“You…” She paused and her lips parted as she chose her words. “You are a sweet girl. Quiet, naive.”

You swallowed and your smile threatened to crack. You nodded intently.

“That is not meant as an abuse, you understand? I mean it as a compliment. I say it out of concern.” She shifted closer and touched your hand. “Because there are people at this court who should wish to take advantage of such a kind person as yourself.”

“Your highness, I--”

“You’re honest. I’ve always admired that in you. You speak when it is necessary, not merely to please.” The sapphire on her ring finger shone in the lantern light. “So I would ask that you are truthful with me. That you humour me and tell me what it is my husband said to you two nights past.”

“I would never lie to you, my queen.” You pled and your smile fell at last. “I didn’t--”

“I am not accusing you. I know it was not of your desire to draw the king’s eye. I shall listen without contempt.”

You breathed in. So deeply you feared you may faint. You nodded again and mustered your voice. “He...The king asked how long I’ve been at court. I answered him honestly and he… apologized for his oversight. Then he asked after my father. And then…” You thought back and blinked. “He said I did not belong here. At court.”

“Oh,” The queen considered you and her straight brows drew together. “You understand his intent, my lady?”

You stared at her. Too embarrassed to reveal your thoughts. Not foolish enough to think he truly wanted you, but too ashamed to admit that.

“Lady Rose,” She smiled venomously. “He is playing his game with her. My husband may act a stranger but I know him well. He revels in the power he holds over women. I suppose it is why he is not so fond of me.

“And so, forgive me for being blunt, but he would spark her envy by overlooking her for a much plainer lady. A more modest lady. Very unlike herself. So unlike her that she is insecure and his hold over her is reinforced. Do you understand?”

“I do, your highness. I am aware of myself. Of my shortcomings. My station is clear to me.” You assured her. You spoke evenly and without emotion. You looked into her eyes and she smiled. There was something within; a momentary commiseration.

“You’re a very intelligent girl,” She mused as she rescinded her hand. “But you don’t let on.” 

She stood and you did too. She swept away from you and twisted the ring on her finger as she thought. She laughed softly to herself. 

“I suspect you’re smarter than Lady Rose, dare I say it, the king too.” She looked to you again. “My lady, I did not intend this as remonstrance. I hold no ill will towards you, only seek to help you, should you need it.”

“Your highness.” You bowed your head.

“You may go,” She said softly. “I shall see you at supper.”

“Thank you, your highness.”

“Very well.” 

She dismissed you as her attention flitted away to her thoughts. You took it in stride and found your way to the door. You were reassured that it would all soon fade away. That your part in this theatre was done.

The corridor was airy as you strolled through it. The heavy tapestries hugged the stone and the padding of your slippers echoed along the corners. At the first corner, you slid to a halt. A figure in peach silk appeared before you. 

Rose approached you haughtily as she pushed out her chest. She looked down her nose at you and pouted her round lips.

“How amusing,” She purred.

You frowned and watched her slink towards you like an angry cat. “What do you mean?”

“The queen. Does she really concern herself with you? To think you any true contest to me?” She batted he lashes. “Eleanor may think me a fool, but I am not. I know the king was only toying with me.” She smirked. “Though I did wonder if you had wit enough to realize he was also toying with you?”

“I have no intent towards the king. No misconceptions. And no obligation to you, my lady,” You replied. A surge of anger, unfamiliar and uncomfortable, straightened your spine. “You might lay with the king but it does not make you a queen.”

She scoffed and her delicate features contorted. “Rest assured he hasn’t any intent towards you either. Be it known that it was my bed he visited last night. Not yours. Not his frigid queen’s. Mine.” She gloated and stepped closer. 

“I know as well as the rest of court of your liaisons,” You were surprised by yourself. “If you’re fortunate, some countryside earl may not have heard and may even marry you on the promise of a new mare.”

Rose’s face paled and her hand grasped her chest with a gasp. “You’re vile.” She spat. “I always knew you were a beast. You can fool the rest of them but not me.”

You stared at her. You shook your head and grabbed your skirts. There was nothing to say to this woman. So self-assured, so convinced of her own importance. Let her think what she may, it did not change what was.

“Where are you going?” She whined as you sidestepped her.

“To ready for supper,” You didn’t stop, nor did you look back. “I am much too hungry to listen to your tripe.”

👑

You were quiet at supper. That wasn’t unusual. The tension, however, was. Before you weren’t concerned enough to notice, but now you were the crux of it. Eleanor maintained her usual stony demeanour towards Rose but Rose made no pretense of restraining her irritation with you. You weren’t a queen, thus she could openly display her displeasure.

Her whispers carried. You acted as if you couldn’t hear them as Eleanor sent an empathetic glance your way. She could hear and she easily changed the discussion to the harvest celebration. The first day of autumn approached and was to be marked with yet another feast.

You were thankful for the diversion but it did nothing for your mind. You thought of your father’s reaction. He’d surely hear about his daughter dancing with the king and even if it meant nothing, it would to him. It meant that you could be the enemy of the queen. And to follow in the footsteps of a dozen women before you would ensure your failure as his daughter.

When at last the meal ended and you said your prayers, you were dismissed. You returned to your chambers with the ladies. Those yet to be wed, shared their board. There were three other girls in your room; Joan, Sybil, and Marion. Rose roomed with Beatrice and Mary. She snarled as she passed your door.

The door was barely closed when a knock sounded. You looked to the other ladies and Joan opened the door. Without, a slender man stood patiently. The king’s footman, Hugh, was short and his dark hair was laced with silver. The wrinkles under his eyes betrayed his endless duty.

“Mister Hugh,” Joan greeted, confused.

“My lady,” He bowed his head cordially, “The king has sent me to bid for the lady.”

“Have you the wrong chamber?” Joan smiled. “Rose--”

“The king does not seek Lady Rose.” Hugh interjected. “Forgive my interruption, lady, but he calls for another.”

You looked to the other women. Each of you baffled though the tickle along your spine nipped at your doubts. It couldn’t possibly be you. After such an uneventful dance. A whole day between without disturbance. It must be a mistake.

Hugh said your name firmly. He looked to Sybil, blonde and beautiful, but was surprised when you stepped forward.

“That would be me,” You said. “May I inquire as to why the king requests my presence?”

“I am merely the king’s messenger. I only know he wishes a private audience with the lady.” Hugh said dimly.

It was as if he was used to the routine. The none-so-subtle invitations. You’d seen him before at the next door as he awaited Rose; at this very door when her predecessor had slept there. You pushed your shoulders back as you sensed the other ladies listening.

“Private audience?” You repeated, “Well, sir, you can return to the king and inform him that as a lady, it would be improper for me to attend an audience with him unaccompanied. So it is, I must respectfully and regretfully decline his invitation.”

Hugh look as if he’d been struck. For the first time his grey eyes lit up and his surprise deepened his wrinkles.

“My lady?” He blinked. “You would refuse? A king’s invitation?”

“An invitation, not a command, as I understand it.” You remained stern. You thought of Eleanor, of how she would hold herself, how she would speak. “So it cannot be treasonous. But I will not risk my honour as a lady. As a maiden.”

The man frowned. Then he nodded as if only then understanding you. He hooked a thumb in his belt and bowed his head. “Your lady. I shall carry your answer to the king. I apologize for disturbing you.”

“Thank you, Mister Hugh.” You bent your head and watched him turn slowly down the hall. He walked stiffly as if fighting himself.

You closed the door and leaned against the inside. Joan was awestruck and the other two ladies shook their heads, astonished. You kept your head up and went to the chest at the end of your bed.

“You just...refused the king?” Joan said at last. “You...no one says no to King Steven.”

“It was...just an invitation,” You said as you opened the chest and took out a sleeping gown. “It wouldn’t be proper to accept.”

“Proper? It is a slight to deny the king.” Joan cried.

“My father would not approve. And as custom would have it--”

“Are you daft?” Sybil spoke up. 

“Not at all,” You dropped your nightgown on your bed. “In fact, were I to have accepted, where do you think that would get me? Even if it was not for illicit means, it would be interpreted as such. I will not marry a second son, not if I can help it.”

“You’re mad,” Marion hissed. “Absolutely mad.”

“Perhaps, but with my honour in tact.”

👑

The night was sleepless. Even after the other ladies settled down and finally blew out the candle, you couldn’t sleep. The more you thought about it, the worse you felt about your refusal. Not because you wanted to meet with the king, but because you only then considered the consequence of it. Or that you didn’t know exactly what that would be.

It was an hour, maybe two, after the ladies started to snore. What if the king was angered by your response and exiled you from court for not playing along? What if he waited until your father returned and punished him? But what if you had said yes?

A knock came at the door. Soft. You weren’t sure at first if it was truly a knock or your imagination. Then it came again and you slowly pushed yourself up. You listened, a third rap, and urged yourself to rise. You took the dressing robe from over your chest and pulled it around yourself. 

Could you refuse the king’s footman a second time or would your anxiety eat away your resolve?

You went to the door and unhooked the latch. You eased it open, just an inch to look through into the corridor. You kept your body hidden behind the door as you peered out at your visitor. You gasped as the king’s hand grabbed the door and kept it from closing. The lantern he held shone down on you through the crack of the door.

“Your highness,” You whispered sharply. 

“My lady,” He greeted coolly but something about his demeanour seemed riled. “Did I wake you?”

“Yes,” You lied. “But I would not begrudge you for it.”

He nodded as his eyes searched yours. As he tried to see through the wood that separated you. 

“Why did you refuse my invitation?” He asked suddenly. “Did I offend you?”

“No, you’ve not offended me, your highness,” You said. “Did your footman not convey my reasons? It wouldn’t be proper for me to--”

“Propriety?” He grumbled and rolled his eyes. He wasn’t the cheerful king who stomped the boards at feasts or harried his steed at the hunt. He was upset and it was your fault. “I requested an audience, my lady, not your virtue.”

You gulped at his insinuation. You pushed on the door but he held it in place. “Your highness, you must understand my need to protect my reputation.”

His eyes narrowed and he tilted his head. His middle finger tapped on the wood of the door as he frowned. “Will you not come out to speak with me? I would hate to disturb the other ladies.”

“I am not in a state to come out, your highness.” You protested. “If you would wait for me to dress--”

He sighed. “You distrust me. You treat me as a lecher.”

“It is not distrust, your highness. Merely caution.” You returned. “If any, I distrust the court and the rumours they would dispel at anything so innocent as a conversation.”

His blue eyes flicked up and he thought. His jaw squared and he hesitantly removed his hand from the door. He looked at you again and the tension left his face. The sparkle returned to his eyes and he bowed his head. 

“You are wise, my lady, to keep yourself above disrepute. It is admirable.” He stood straight and his broad figure cast a shadow over you. “I apologize for my impropriety. Forgive me.”

“Your highness, I hold no displeasure towards you.” You assured him. 

“I am thankful for your benevolence,” He backed away. “Perhaps we shall meet in more tolerable circumstances...Good night, my lady.”

“Good night, your highness.” You mimicked him softly.

He turned away and you closed the door. The click was terribly loud as the dark embraced you. You leaned against the door and listened for his departure. His footsteps tarried, just a moment, before he carried on. You let out your breath and felt your way back to your bed. The ladies snored still but their soft snorts offered little comfort to your racing heart.

[thefinalyeehaw]

(Obey Me Fic) Deathly Hearts {Ch. 1 - Arrival}

Killian didn’t know what to expect of the Devildom. Her knowledge of the realm was solely based on books and tales of her father’s younger days as he had been good allies with the Demon Lord. Diavolo had spoken about his home realm during his stay, now Killian regretted not asking further questions. Especially after she agreed to become a lab rat to the demon prince’s social experiment. His decree caused an uproar in her father’s court, shouting of royal advisers and loud gossiping among members of the reapscape’s nobility flooded the otherwise organized hall.

Among the chaos, her father sat on his throne, quietly observing the unleashed mayhem as she stared, shocked at Diavolo. The demon prince stood unflappable, the midst of the yelling and arguing, his eyes trained on her. The golden hues pierced her icy eyes, and his radiant smile remained unbreakable as a few irate advisors began to hurl thinly-veiled insults, stabbing at the demon prince’s character and integrity. Killian knew Diavolo didn’t care; the advisors could throw stones at him like a humorless jester telling bad jokes, he would still stand tall and proud as he awaited her answer.

Killian felt her father’s steely gaze latch onto her; he also awaited her answer. Usually, Killian felt graceful that her father always let her make her own decisions, but at that moment, she wished he had said something. Anything.

As she expected, her father remained silent as he stood up, his towering frame immediately silencing the hall. Her father turned to her, his dark eyes joining a hundred pairs piercing her; All awaiting an answer.

She didn’t know why she said yes. Diavolo’s dream was one that Killian shared; she also envisioned unity among the realms. But a dream is just a dream, a wild fantasy that will never come true. Diavolo’s idea was too outlandish; she couldn’t fathom reapers that won’t be a Ravished or an outcast in the Devildom, let alone a human.

Demons would tear a human to pieces the moment they stepped foot in the realm of the demons. Killian has witnessed many aftermaths of demons’ ravenous hunger for humans, to confirm that fact. But Diavolo wouldn’t listen even if she begged him on her knees as it wasn’t her place, much to her dismay. She was only a guest at the Devildom. Her only goal is to participate as a student for a year and report back to her father about her own opinion on the program.

Nothing more and nothing less.

“Welcome to the Devildom, Killian!”

A smile graced her face, her eyes landing on Diavolo as the mist of his transport spell vanished. Standing in the center of a raised judge panel, his already large frame looked gigantic as the demon prince peered down at the reaper. She recognized his signature red ankle-length coat, the crimson of his clothes heavily contradicting the large assembly hall’s violet and black scheme. Diavolo’s face brightens as he takes in her form, his gold eyes practically glow with excitement in the dimness.

“I’m honored to be here. I was starting to think that you forgot about me.” Her mask’s lips curled into a grin as the magic-infused in the porcelain mirrors her facial expressions. Killian didn’t usually wear a mask; her arrival to the Devildom coincided with the Melachonia festival in her home realm. Not wanting to break tradition, she decided to partake in the porcelain mask tradition during those significant months, though its appearance made her stick out like a sore thumb.

Diavolo chuckled at her tease, “Killian, you are someone who isn’t easily forgotten,” His gold eyes twinkled gleefully. “I do apologize for the delay. We had some difficulties with bringing Mattie to RAD.” Diavolo’s gaze shifted past the reaper, who turned to follow his stare.

A small distance behind her stood a human; their aura confirmed it. The person flinched when they noticed her glance, their eyes widening at the sight of her mask. They stood shorter than her, about chin-height to her. Killian noted they were cute, admiring the human’s olive skin and dyed teal hair, styled into a chin-length choppy bob, framing their round face and button nose.

Killian smiled, forcing back a giggle as the human gasped at her mask’s movement. “Hello there, I’m Killian. Who are you?” Keeping her voice smooth and calm, not to frighten the human further. “I-I’m Mattie. Mattie Carson.” Their doe-like eyes were glued to the mask’s mouth, watching in awe as the thin line moved and took shape, mirroring every word the reaper spoke. Their cheeks flushed as a giggle escaped Killian, immediately averting their glance in embarrassment.

“I’m glad the two of you are getting along well,” Diavolo smiled, observing the duo’s interaction happily. The demon prince seemed elated by the newest students’ friendly exchange; joy practically oozed from every pore. “Killian here is a good friend of mine. Treat her kindly, and she will do the same.”

Friends? Diavolo’s comment surprised her. She never thought he would consider her a friend. During his stay, Killian always made an effort to be friendly with the demon prince as their first meeting didn’t leave the best first impression whenever she bumped into the demon in the hallways and at banquets. Their chats were amiable but not enough to warrant status as the demon prince’s good friend.

Nevertheless, Killian took the opportunity to joke, “Aw, you’re going to make me blush~” Amused at the faint flush on Diavolo’s face as he laughed, also amused by their banter. A loud cough drew Killian’s eyes to the demon standing next to Diavolo, wearing a black version of the prince’s uniform. The demon was almost as tall as Diavolo, incredibly handsome with flawless porcelain skin and silky black hair. Even from the far distance, Killian noticed the crimson gradient in the demon’s otherwise piercing grey eyes. Those scrutinizing eyes glared disapprovingly, unamused of her playful attitude.

Killian grinned, winking at the scowling demon. She watched gleefully as his glare deepened. Obviously, the demon didn’t like her, not like she gave a shit about his feelings. If the demon was judging her already without getting to know her, Killian didn’t want to waste her energy on trying to be liked by some demon with an apparent stick up his ass.

“I apologize. We got off-topic.” Diavolo’s laughter subsided; he gesticulated around the hall as if performing a magic trick. “I should explain where we are. This is the Royal Academy of Diavolo, though we just call it RAD. You’re standing inside of the assembly hall, the very heart of RAD. This is where we officers of the student council hold our meetings and conduct our business.” Killian glanced around the impressive room, and she noticed a few empty seats among the ones occupied by a few disinterested demons.

“I’m the president of said council.” Diavolo stated proudly as if demons were fearless enough to run against him for the seat. She counted the number of seats, growing more curious. There were eight seats, including Diavolo; three seats were vacated. Why isn’t the whole council here? Won’t it have been more proper to have the full council present for the new students’ arrivals?

“Why are we here?” Mattie asked firmly, some of the shock and fear melting from their body. Killian felt slightly happy at the human’s growing confidence; the human will need that moxie if they want to survive the Devildom for the next year. Although it won’t prevent them from being eaten, it was at least progress.

“I will explain everything to you.” The black-haired demon spoke, ascending down the center stairs of the panel towards the two. Killian willed herself not to step forward in front of Mattie protectively; her posture grew rigid and alert. Her thumb fiddled with the ring on her right index finger, containing her scythe. The smile on Diavolo’s face eased her a bit; she still won’t hesitate to attack if the demon tried anything funny.

“Mattie. Killian. This is Lucifer. He is a demon and the Avatar of Pride.” Killian studied the black-haired demon with mild interest, so this is Lucifer? Diavolo spoke a lot of his dear friend during his stay in the Reapscape. From his descriptions of the demon, Killian honestly thought Lucifer was an old grumpy cat whom Diavolo grew fond of. Finally, now that she put a name with the face, she thought of him more like an arrogant peacock, domineering over ostentation of peafowls.

“So, you’re Lucifer? Lord Diavolo spoke many praises of you to my Excellency.” Her father’s title felt odd on her tongue. She doesn’t remember the last time when she had to call him by that status as “father,” and the occasional papa was his usual title to her. But her father had requested her royal status to remain anonymous during her participation in the program; Killian needed to remember that she wasn’t the Grim Reaper’s daughter in the eyes of these demons. She was just a representative of the Reapscape handpicked by the demon prince.

“He’s also the vice president of the student council and my right-hand man...and not just in title, I assure you.” Diavolo added. Killian disguised a sudden laugh as a mild cough fit, nearly giggling as Mattie shot her an odd look. Diavolo slightly pouted, resembling a worried puppy more than a demon prince. Lucifer’s glare intensified; oh, he knew exactly what she was thinking. Killian didn’t care if his stare melted the flesh off of her bone. The accidental double meaning was too funny not to laugh at.

Killian let out a quick apology in between fake coughs, claiming she was okay. Reassured that the reaper wasn’t about to keel over and die, Diavolo continued to praise Lucifer. “Beyond that, he’s also my most trusted friend,” Lucifer grunted at his words, annoyance twitched at his features as his stare shifted to the prince.

“Flattery will get you nowhere, Diavolo.” He cleared his throat; his red-grey eyes pierced the two exchange students. Mattie winced at the intensity while Killian merely stared back, unbothered by the demon’s biting gaze. Being a royal heir, she grew custom to the glares and gawking of nobles as she wasn’t introduced into palace life with open arms as a young reaper.

With practiced grace, Lucifer placed a gloved hand to his chest, slightly bowed his head towards the duo as he spoke, “Speaking on behalf of the entire student body at this great and storied school of ours, I offer you a most heartfelt welcome.” Killian blinked; that was one of the driest greetings she has experienced. She endured stabbings more heartfelt.

“On behalf of the students?” A faint frown appeared on the human’s face. Killian didn’t need telepathy to know Mattie found Lucifer’s welcome less than warm. Lucifer’s eyes briefly narrowed before he diverged into a monologue, “Diavolo believes that we demons should start strengthening our relationship with both the human world and the Celestial Realm. As a first step towards this goal, we’ve decided to institute an exchange program.” Killian turned him out. She already heard the program’s nature when Diavolo did his sales pitch to her father, resulting in brief mayhem occurring in the royal court.

“You both need someone to look after you, and I think that someone should be my brother Mammon?” The name seemed familiar to Killian; where has she heard that name before?

“Your brother?” Mattie asked curiously.

“Yes. He’s the Avatar of Greed, and… how should I put it…?” He sighed defeatedly, rubbing the bridge of his nose as if a headache was forming. “You’ll understand soon enough.”

Reaching into a coat pocket, Lucifer retrieved two cell phones. “Here, take this device. It’s called D.D.D. It’s a lot like the cell phones of your worlds,” He plopped the phones into each of their hands; his aim missed Killian’s hand, the phone nearly slipped. Her quick reflexes easily caught the falling phone; she gave him a sharp look. If Lucifer purposefully missed, his face didn’t show its guilt as he further discusses the new cell phones.

With an annoyed huff, Killian decided to examine the new device. Her phone case was a dark red; she lifted the phone slightly. She let out a breathy laugh as she saw the case matched the color of Diavolo’s uniform. Killian playfully winked at Diavolo, noticing the man also looking at the case in her hand. Diavolo’s smile widened; she suppressed a crackle when he winked back.

Forcing herself to turn away as not to draw any attention, she turned it on to see the phone was already charged and unlocked. Killian quickly browsed the standard installed apps. Although it will take some time for Killian to get used to a new cell phone, everything seemed in place. She wondered if her other phone would work if she needed to call home. She knew there would be metaphorical hell to pay if she didn’t text Jules often. The reaper shuddered at the thought of being on the end of her dear friend’s notoriously short temper. That wasn’t something she wanted to deal with any time soon.

“Now, go ahead and try calling Mammon with it.” Lucifer instructed.

~~~~~~~

Thank you for reading! Reblog if you want me to post more. 

Also, I wanted to explain a few things about Mattie (The human; the usual MC of the game), Killian (my reaper mc of sorts) and the story.

1. Mattie identifies as genderqueer; The pronouns of Mattie are They/Them, just like in the game. (Killian's pronouns are She/Her as she identities as cisgender).

2. This story will follow the overall plot line relatively close, it will kinda diverges from the original story in a few major events. there is also some side plot and funny (sometimes spicy~) filler chapters.

3. Mattie will not be the one romancing the boys, Killian is the romantic interest. Mattie will develop deep platonic relationships with the boys, I'm still deciding upon Mattie's sexual preference (possibly gray-ace?)

4. Since this is somewhat an AU; there will be chapters outside of the realm of the devildom, focusing on Killian's backstory and the Reapscape.

5. Last but not least, there will be some dark topics explored (mostly involving Killian's past) that I hadn't tagged yet. I will put trigger warning in the beginning notes of those chapters. If wanted, I can put line break around the sensitive materials.

[makeawisdom]

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Critical Role (Web Series) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Essek Thelyss & Verin Thelyss, Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, The Mighty Nein & Essek Thelyss Characters: Essek Thelyss, Verin Thelyss Additional Tags: Just two siblings talking about feelings, established shadowgast Summary:

Verin noticed his internal conflict, but he wasn't able to guess Essek's train of thought. He stood up and look him in the eye. “Why him, Essek? Why is he so special?”

(In which the Mighty Nein have been invited to dinner by the Umavi Deirta Thelyss and her two children have a heart-to-heart conversation while they wait for them)

“This is all your fault”

“I don't see how it could be. I didn't do anything” answered Essek without looking at his brother. “It was our mother's idea.”

“It was our mother's idea” repeated Verin, mocking his voice. “Bullshit. It's your fault. Our lives were happy and peaceful, and we didn't gather for more than fifteen years. But then you've decided to go out of your lair and get yourself a boyfriend.”

Essek felt the warm creeping over his cheeks, but he hoped he was able to hide it well enough. He didn't want to give his brother more material that he could use against him. He already had enough of his repertoire.

“That's not the reason why she's doing this. Our mother only wants to check if the Mighty Nein could be used as leverage in her schemes.” Not that he was to allow it, but he was wiser than to confront his mother straightforwardly. He worked better behind the scene, anyway, hiding in the shadows. “And he is not my boyfriend. We're… figuring things out.”

It sounded bland and hackneyed, but it was the truth.  He and Caleb talked about it, and that was their mutual agreement. Everything was overly complicated already, taking in count the Mighty Nein knew about his endeavors with the Assembly. Essek's position as regards the group was precarious, to say the least. A few of them felt some resentment against him and he couldn't blame them. It would have been understandable if they decided not to trust him ever again. Why Caleb still could have faith in him, was a mystery. Essek couldn't fathom why would he hold any sort of feelings towards him either, even if Caleb was persuasive enough to convince him that he did. Words could lie, he knew, he mastered that art. But glances, and caresses, and tender smiles between kisses were a whole different story, one than Caleb told him with blunt sincerity and Essek couldn't help believing.

“That's definitely the face of someone that is thinking of a person which is figuring things out with, sure” Verin leaned back on the armchair he had claimed and raised one eyebrow. Essek, standing, looked at him from above with a deadpan expression. “I swear I still can't believe this is happening. I was so sure you will die alone in that huge tower of yours, surrounded by thirty cats that will feast on your remains.”

“That's hilarious. Hilarious and disgusting” said Essek with a tone that expressed he didn't find it funny at all. “Don't make that kind of jokes during dinner, please”

Verin gave him a grin.

“Why not? Do you fear that I will embarrass you in front of your figuring-things-out-friend?”

“No, my sweet little brother. I fear that they might like you.”

Verin laughed wholeheartedly, making Essek crack a little smile.

“What is your opinion on this?” He knew his brother well enough to try and be more specific before he could find room for another witty comment. “About Caleb and me, I mean.”

“Hold on a second, since when do you care about what I think? Are you okay? Did you hit your head or-?”

“I know mother will expound her point of view as clearly as she likes. I was hoping that, if you have something to say as well, we can discuss it privately, so I only have to deal with one criticism at a time.”

He seems to think about it for a little while until he finally said:

“Well… he's a human. A human from the Empire. That's weird.”

“I assume it must look like it is, yes.”

“But, that's not even the weirdest thing. The worst of all is that he is a wizard. A wizard, Essek! Do you know how untrustworthy wizards are?”

Of course, Verin wasn't talking seriously, but he can't help but think of what his brother would think of him if he knew how right he was. What Essek has done. How he, unintentionally, started a war that could have endangered his own brother.

How he was responsible for their father's death.

Before meeting the Mighty Nein, those thoughts wouldn't have even made him twitch. But now…

Now…

Regret is a novelty that didn't wear off easily. He didn't use to worry about the consequences of his actions, but at that moment, he realized his ambitions could have cost him more than he was willing to pay. Only one thin thread on the big tapestry of the odds had prevented his brother from being one of the numerous corpses soiling the ground of the battlefront, instead of being there, pestering him, laughing at his own jokes.

Before meeting the Mighty Nein, he has had already so much to lose but he couldn't see it. They didn't only give him another chance; they also give him perspective.

He thought he could live with the idea of his brother hating him. Essek had been alone for so long that he believed for a matter of fact that he didn't need anyone else. But the idea of Verin finding the truth, blaming him for what he did, was terrifying.

Verin noticed his internal conflict, but he wasn't able to guess Essek's train of thought. He stood up and look him in the eye.

“Why him, Essek? Why is he so special?”

His guilt didn't disappear, but that question was enough to bring him back to the conversation. That was his current battle: his denmother, his younger brother, the dinner all of them would be sharing with the Mighty Nein in less than an hour.

One concern at a time, he told himself. The first thing was finding a good answer to his brother's question. A very uninspired one, he thought. Only the seriousness his brother used to drew it up stopped Essek from dodging it and telling him he sounded like the side character of a badly written romance novel. He couldn't do it because he knew Verin's worry was sincere and that it was his way to show it.

“He’s outstandingly intelligent. Although he’s lacking formal education, he’s a competent…”

“Blah, blah. Magical nerdy stuff is one of the reasons, I get it. I didn’t even doubt it. But if that were enough, you would have hooked up with any of those stuffy people from the Marble Conservatory, but you didn’t, and it’s not as if you didn’t have your pick. You used to have a flock of infuriating suitors.”

“Yes, and all of them were infuriating, as you’ve correctly pointed out.”

“Well… but one or two should have been salvageable, I guess. But you’ve never had a partner before. Not one I’d heard of, at least.”

“I’ve never had a partner before, period.”

“See? That’s why I’m so curious! It must be something else!”

Verin was right: there was something else, but he didn't want to talk about it. He's always been proud of being discreet, keeping his matters to himself. Verin, on the contrary, shared everything, even those things Essek would have preferred not to know. It was an unbalanced dynamic, the one that they had, but Essek felt sheltered that way, stronger. Talking about what Caleb meant to him... Essek knew it would make him seem vulnerable and he didn't want that.

But that was the point in trying to do better, wasn’t it? Doing what is necessary to improve, even when he considered it to be the last thing he wanted to do. He had a long road ahead, but he could start with that little step. He took a deep breath.

“He is… He is everything I thought I didn’t need until I had him in front of me.” His mouth started getting significantly drier with every word he said, while he felt how goosebumps claimed his entire skin. He felt awful, self-conscious, and exposed, the same way he felt beneath the deck of the Ball-Eater, the day he confessed his crimes. He hated it just as much, but that probably meant he was doing something right, so he kept going. “He’s caring and understanding. He’s fun in his own awkward, delightful way. I’m still amazed at how much kindness he can show, after… After everything. I’ve never met someone with such endurance before. He’s admirable, in every possible way.”

He gave him a second chance when any other person would have made him pay for his wrongdoings. He hoped for him to be a better person, and Essek obliged out of selfishness, as he always did. He still believed in the cause he sold his soul to. His pursuit of knowledge, crossing limits anyone else hasn’t even dared to reach. He had lived through that desire, put all his stakes on it. In an ambient where he could not thrive, surrounded by people that didn’t understand him and didn’t care for him, magic was the only thing that pushed him forward. Without that itch, without his ambitions, what was left for him?

Love, he learned that infamous night in Nicodranas. There was warmth. There was friendship. There was love.

There was Jester, lovely Jester, holding his hand.

There was Caduceus, urging him to spit his dirty secrets as if he were trying to make him vomit a poison that was killing him inside.

There was Caleb, with his eyes, and his hands, and his lips. He kissed him gently, in a moment when any other person would have landed a stab-wound between his ribs.

That’s why his change was so selfish. He could not drop every project he had fought for during all his life and change just for himself. But he could change for them. Be whatever the Mighty Nein wanted him to be: a friend, an ally, or a lover. Damn, he would even be a good person! He was trapped and enthralled, and he never, ever, would like to be let go.

Did he ever stand a chance? No, probably he didn’t, not against them, at least. Not against Caleb.

“I wasn’t seeking companionship when I first met him” Essek admitted, “but when we stumble on each other, when I had the opportunity to talk to him and get to know him better… I couldn’t help but see how similar we were, and yet so different. I don’t know how to explain it, just… Everything between us clicked together.”

“An instant connection. How romantic.” Essek was grateful for the lighthearted inflection of his brother’s voice. That was normal, familiar. It was a good grip to keep his mind from spiraling. “Who knows. Perhaps the Light pushed you two together and you are meant to be, after all. I mean, what were the odds of you finding another oddball like you?”

What were the odds, indeed.

“I don’t believe in destiny.”

“Of course you don’t. People like you have ‘destiny’ for breakfast, but even you would admit that this is some kind of divine intervention. I mean…”

“Yes, I found someone that can stand me. A miracle” Essek replied with a deadpan expression, “You might find someone someday as well, if you ever stop being a little brat.”

Verin showed him the sharp point of his fangs. Essek was sure his brother was preparing himself for the delivering of another witty comment, but instead, he just shrugged and gave him an honest smile.

“You seem quite different, I would say.”

“Well, I am different. I suppose it shows.”

After a brief pause, Verin added:

“You really love him, huh?”

Essek didn’t need to consider the answer.

“I do, Verin. I love him immensely” he admitted so naturally that he surprised himself. That was such a profound truth that he couldn’t have expressed it with less honesty, because it wouldn’t have sounded right any other way. “Not only him. I love all of them. They’ve changed my life for the better. My relationship with Caleb has indeed meant a lot of adjustments in both our lives, but it works somehow, and it makes me happier than I can express with words.”

Verin blinked once, then twice.

“That’s… wow. Just wow. It turns out that nor only you have feelings, but you’re also able to talk about them! I’m impressed, I’ll admit it.” Essek raised an eyebrow, but Verin kept talking before he could comment on anything. “Don’t look at me like that! I’m not teasing you right now… well, a little, but that’s what I always do. Believe me, I’m glad to hear you’re happy. It’s everything I could have hoped for you.”

Verin patted his shoulder a few times, a gesture that probably was just friendly between well-built soldiers, but it was a little rougher against someone as slim as Essek. He was able to keep his balance and his dignity with it. It hurt a little, but he did not express it in any way. He was too grateful for his brother’s reaction to getting mad at him for not knowing his own strength.  Verin really mean everything he had said, Essek knew, and that tugged at his heartstrings. He cared; he had always had. Essek was lucky to have a brother like him, he thought.

“I have a question, though”, Verin began.

“Go ahead, please.”

Verin grinned.

“May I call that Caleb brother-in-law?”

Essek didn't hesitate.

“Don't you dare.”

***

Fun fact: If ‘Person A talking about their feelings for Person B with Person C’ can be considered a trope, it’s my favorite one.

Fun fact 2: This is not really my hc for Verin and Essek’s relationship. I think they hate each other’s guts, but I started writing this and I thought: ‘Oh, okay, this dynamic is wholesome. I’ll stick with it’

[blackandwhitemotley]

Fool’s Errand Question Time:

1. What were your favourite moments? 

The first chapter, with Chade’s visit. I think Hobb excells at beginnings and setting up atmospheres and characters, because her first chapters always suck me right in. (I wish I could say the same about her endings)

The reunion between Fitz and the Fool

The peaceful days they spend in Fitz’s cabin ❤︎

Every single one of Fennel’s lines

Fitz coming back to Buckkeep and noticing all the changes

Kettricken asking Fitz to bring her son back

The dinner at the Bresinga’s, and Fitz finding out that everyone is Witted through Tibbits (Sydel’s kitten)

The Fool helping Fitz through a seizure

Nighteyes stopping Fitz from torturing/killing Deerkin

The face-off against the Piebalds before Fitz goes through the pillar with Dutiful

Nighteyes’s death (very painful but beautifully done)

Lord Golden and Tom Badgerlock swearing loyalty to Dutiful

2. Favourite quotes? 

Sometimes I think there is more rest in that place between wakefulness and sleep than there is in true sleep. The mind walks in the twilight of both states, and finds the truths that are hidden alike by daylight and dreams. Things we are not ready to know abide in that place, awaiting that unguarded frame of mind.

Some speak of the savagery of beasts. I will ever prefer that to the thoughtless contempt some men have towards animals.

The tawny man approached silently save for the rhythmic striking of his horse’s hooves. When he drew near, he reined in his beast with a touch, and sat looking down on me with amber eyes. He smiled. Something turned over in my heart.

‘In the space of a sundown, you show me the wide world from a horse’s back, and the soul of the world within my own walls.’

Not every problem in the world belongs to you.

There is no shame in walking away from bones, Changer.

‘Fitz, Fitz. They never even saw me in the first place. They saw only a jester and a freak. I deliberately took no name when first I arrived here. To most of the lords and ladies of Buckkeep, I was just the Fool. They heard my jokes and saw my capers, but they never really saw me.’ He gave a small sigh. Then he gave me a considering look. ‘You made it a name. The Fool. And you saw me. You met my eyes when others looked aside, disconcerted.’ I saw the tip of his tongue for a second. ‘Did you never guess how you frightened me? That all my ruses were useless against the eyes of a small boy?’

All cats talk however they want. To whomever they want. But only a rude human speaks out of turn. Be quiet. I told you. She likes me better than you.

I nodded to it, steeled myself, and walked out into the pouring rain. It was every bit as cold and unpleasant as I expected it to be. I stood, eyes squinted and shoulders hunched to it, peering out through the grey downpour. Then I took a breath and resolutely changed my expectations. As Black Rolf had once shown me, much discomfort was based on human expectations. As a man, I expected to be warm and dry when I chose to be. Animals did not harbour any such beliefs. So it was raining. That part of me that was wolf could accept that. Rain meant being cold and wet. Once I acknowledged that and stopped comparing it to what I wished it to be, the conditions were far more tolerable. I set out.

He wore my face. He wore my face to the extent that I knew the spot under his chin where the hair grew in an odd direction and would be hard to shave, when he was old enough to shave. He had my jaw, and the nose I had had as a boy, before Regal had broken it. His teeth, like mine, were bared in a battle rictus. Verity’s soul had planted the seed in his young wife to conceive this boy, but his flesh had been shaped from my flesh. I looked into the face of the son I had never seen nor claimed, and a connection suddenly formed like the cold snap of a manacle.

‘He looks so like you at that age that it makes my heart ache.’

Go carefully, my heart, I wished after him, but softly, softly, lest he know how much I feared for him.

‘My Lord Golden, is it you who thinks I am an idiot, that you put on this show for me? Or is it the wish of Tom Badgerlock?’

3. Did the reread change your opinion of the book? In what way? 

It’s just as amazing as I remembered ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎ 

Two things really stood out for me in this reread.

Nighteyes’ death looms over the entire book, but Fitz is deeply, deeply in denial. Nighteyes keeps trying to tell Fitz he’s going to have to go on without him (‘I’m too old to do this sort of thing any more. No. You only wish you were.’) and makes sure he won’t be alone (‘I’m glad the Scentless One returned to us. I’m glad that you know where to find him.’, [about Fitz Skill-dreaming peacefully with Nettle] ‘I’m glad you can get to a place like that.’). His death - and Cat’s - hit me even harder this time.

The other thing has to do with the way Fitz treats Dutiful, especially when they’re stranded on Others’ beach together. Fitz is plagued by concern for his friends’ fate, so he takes it out on Dutiful, and it’s just... wrong on so many levels. He keeps threatening to punch him (‘Tell me you’re Piebald again, and I’ll have to beat it out of you.’ Burrich’s upbringing is really shining bright there...) And it’s not just threats, he keeps shoving and manhandling him, and the Wit healer is later horrified by the bruises she can see on Dutiful’s body. Fitz is just... awful and abusive and this passage was really hard to read. I think this chapter is when I really start to dislike the person that he has become, because his youth can’t excuse - or rather, explain - his behaviour anymore.

[unicyclehippo]

not to be greedy or anything but that beau/jester convo was Still too short. i mean it was perfect, i just want More

//

Divination

Your magic and offering put you in contact with a god, or a god’s servants. You ask a single question concerning a specific goal, event, or activity to occur within seven days and get a truthful reply. This reply might be a short phrase, a cryptic rhyme, or an omen.

//

The cards are thicker than she thought they would be, and Jester spends a lot of the evening examining them—they’re made of a thick paper, card really, and the edges have been lovingly gilded in sweeping gold and silver paint filagree which is where a lot of the heft comes from, she thinks. And they’re so beautiful and lovely and fascinating and shiny and - and a little creepy. Well. Not creepy like the way bad things are creepy—like big spiders and rotting zombies and the low singing of petrified angels—but, well, these were Molly’s. That’s all.

Her fingers slip carefully over the cards. The hurried thwap of the card on blanket as she turns each card over in quick succession slows, stops.

Learning a new game, are we?

‘It’s not a game. It’s tarot reading. Do you know what tarot are? They’re like, so cool, and Molly read my future the first time we ever met, remember?’

Of course! You drew that picture of him for me. With the serpent and shadow.

‘Yeah!’

Curious, isn’t it? I wonder if the fortune was even for you.

Jester glances up with a frown at her friend, her first friend. His green cloak sweeps at the floor but doesn’t quite touch, or fades away before it can. His smile is ever-present but one edge folds in like a pressed accordian into a lop-sided and thoughtful, almost teasing, smirk.

‘What do you mean? Of course it was for me, he was looking at me, and we killed that massive snake and—‘

Tarot show the future, no? That is what you just told me.

‘Well...yes.’

So it might not have been talking about that serpent but another.

Jester’s brow crinkles. Then, with a gasp, ‘Uka’toa!’

Uka’toa, comes the Traveller’s echoed whisper.

‘And the shadow? That could make be Fjord as well, his snake doesn’t seem like the nicest perso—thing—being.’

No. No it does not. Is that what shadows mean? Things that are bad?

Jester shuffles back on the bed, rests back against the wall as she considers that. ‘I guess not. When I bless Nott with your gift that’s all shadowy and stuff but that’s not bad.’ She smiles up at her friend, who bows, visible pale hand twisting in a dramatic flourish. Jester giggles. ‘Okay, so, this is great! So if the Shadow card isn’t about anything that is bad then...’ She thumbs through the cards to find the Shadow, great roiling clouds of black—no, climbing pillars like smoke—no, an inky black veil. There’s something hidden behind the shadow in the image but when Jester stares too hard, it doesn’t become clearer, it just hurts her head. ‘Something hidden?’

That would be my guess. Can the meaning of the card change?

‘I...think so.’

Hmm. How do we figure out what it means?

Jester scrunches up her lips, an accordion press into a pout. She can’t see it herself, nor would anyone know for they have rarely seen the man, the myth, the legend himself, but the expression is remarkably similar to that which the Traveller bears himself as they both pour over the cards.

‘Will you help me?’

Of course, he says without pause. Then, You know, I don’t think we’ve ever tried to divine before. Would you like to try?

Jester bites at her lip. She’s aware that it isn’t a simple spell, that it would take a bit out of her, but she isn’t fighting tonight so... She nearly pounces on the cards, scoops them back into her deck and meets the Traveller’s eyes—well, the deep shadow beneath his cowl—with a wide and wicked grin, nearly shivering with excitement. She bounces on the bed.

‘Yeah! Let’s do it!’

//

First there is the incense, and then the spell itself. Jester rolls out the mat Beau uses sometimes to meditate—hopes that’s okay—over the small desk in the room and settles in her chair, cards tucked protecively into her chest.

‘Okay. Do I ask the question first? Or do I—‘ She gestures toward the mat, the table, the little pools of silver jewellery she has laid out in an attempt to mimic Molly’s whole situation.

The question, I think. So the cards know your intent.

‘Do I have to say it out loud?’

I don’t know. What do you think?

Jester worries at her bottom lip with sharp teeth. Her tail flicks. ‘I think so.’

Alright. Ask away. One question. Let’s try...something immediate.

‘Like what? The others are going to fight tomorrow night, should I ask about that?’

You could.

‘Or, or—‘ Jester graves against a thought, shakes it away. Realises too late that she has done so in front of the one person who knows her the best. When she opens her eyes from her instant wince, the Traveller is watching her intently. She can feel it, feel the way his brow nocks into place, into an arch of keen interest.

What was that?

‘Nothing!’

Jester...

‘I just—it’s something that’s already happened so it’s not about the future so,’

It doesn’t have to be the question you ask, the Traveller assures her, silky smooth. She knows he’s lying, but,

The incense billows out, wafting in white-smoke columns from the bowls. The scent is cloying, sweet but overpowering, like flowers have been pushed right up into her nostrils. It makes the air a little hazy around her as it curls and coils, and Jester imagines tiger-striped cats and fey creatures stalking through the there-but-not-there smoke.

‘I talked to Beau today,’ she tells the Traveller, who nods. ‘And I asked her if she’d been avoiding me and she says she hasn’t, and she said she, um, trusts my judgement even though I didn’t save her and I think I really screwed up because I told her that she nearly died and I guess she didn’t realise that and now I’m worried all over again that now she’ll, she’ll be angry or worse.’

Worse?

‘Upset,’ Jester tells him, like it’s obvious, because it kinda is. Beau thinking she doesn’t care... Jester swallows hard.

So what’s your question?

‘Um.’ Jester pulls her lips over her teeth, presses them flat as she tries to think of the right question. ‘I guess... Well, I also kind of told her that I had been talking to her dad and I really don’t think she liked that at all,’ Jester says with an uncomfortable laugh, scratches at her throat as she feels the prickling itch of discomfort. ‘Okay okay okay, so, is Beau angry with me? No—wait—how does Beau feel right now? That’s a better one,’ she tells the Traveller, ‘because I get to know more about what she’s thinking about, not just if she’s upset.’ She taps her temple. ‘Smart.’

Indeed. I picked you for a reason,

‘Because I’m funny.’

That, he agrees with a chuckle, and so much more.

The incense billows like the Traveller’s cloak, shifting with a breeze Jester can’t feel. It swirls around her and close and where it touches she can feel it. She’s never felt what sweetness could feel like but now it’s like she can taste it on her arms—sweet and woody like cinnamon or chestnuts or wood chips—like her senses have all been rearranged. And when she glides her fingers over the cards, she doesn’t feel them but instead is almost seeing them, the whorls and eddys of their anchoring in fate and fortune.

[baddadjokez]

514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.​I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.​Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.​Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!​I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.​What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.​How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.​I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.​Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.​I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.​My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.​Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.​How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.​What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.​Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.​There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.​What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.​What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.​Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.​Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.​How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.​The shovel was a ground breaking invention.​A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."​A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."​Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.​What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.​I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.​What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.​I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.​Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.​Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"​Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.​What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.​Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.​What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.​What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.​What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.​A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.​After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.​I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.​To write with a broken pencil is pointless.​I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.​I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.​What should you do if you are cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.​How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.​The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.​What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.​What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.​The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.​Sausage puns are the wurst.​What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.​Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.​What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.​Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.​What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.​Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.​Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.​What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.​What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.​What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.​Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.​What kind of car does a sheep drive? Their SuBAHHru.​What do you call a french pig? Porque.​What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.​Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.​How do trees access the internet? They log on.​Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.​Is your refrigerator running? Better go catch it.​The future,the present and the past walked into a bar.Things got a little tense.​I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.​I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.​I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.​Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.​I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.​Read enough of our funny puns, and you'll be punstoppable.​Yesterday a clown held the door for me. It was a nice jester.​I used to go fishing with Skrillex but he kept dropping the bass.​The wedding was so emotional even the cake was in tiers.​What does a house wear? A dress.​Why can't bicycles stand up on their own? Since they are 2 tired.​I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.​Imagine if alarm clocks hit you back in the morning.It would be truly alarming.​Why is a skeleton a bad liar? You can see right through it.​What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help? Lemonaid.​A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.​What does a dog say when he sits down on a piece of sandpaper? Ruff!​What do you call crystal clear urine? 1080pee.​At my boxing club there is only one punch bag. I hate waiting for the punch line!​An untalented gymast walks into a bar.​Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.​I was accused of being a plagiarist, their word not mine.​My friends say they don’t like skeleton puns. I should put more backbone into them.​Let me FILL you in on my trip to the dentist.​Why does the singer of Cheap Thrills not want us to Sia?​Traveling on a flying carpet is a rugged experience.​Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.​The old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner,there were strings attached.​Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.​My new diet consists of aircraft, its a bit plane.​Have you ever tried to milk a cow which has been cut in half? Udder madness.​Why are there fences on graveyards? Because people are dying to get in.​Why do trees have so many friends? They branch out.​Models of dragons are not to scale.​Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.​Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.​Don’t trust people that do acupuncture, they’re back stabbers.​A persistent banker wouldn’t stop hitting on me so I asked him to leave me a loan.​I ordered a book of puns last week, but i didn't get it.​People say i look better without glasses but i just can't see it.​Don’t judge a meal by the look of the first course. It’s very souperficial.​I heard Donald Trump is going to ban shredded cheese, and make America grate again.​I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.​What do you call a young musician? A minor.​Police were called to a daycare yesterday, where a 2-year-old was resisting a rest.​If artists wear sketchers do linguists wear converse?​I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.​Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.​I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight.​I flipped a coin over an issue the other day, it was quite the toss-up.​I got hit in the head with a can of soda? Luckily it was a soft drink.​I heard that the post office was a male dominated industry.​Why isn’t suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.​What do you mean June is over? Julying.​Why is Kylo Ren so angry? Beause he’s always Ben Solo.​These reversing cameras are great. Since I got one I haven’t looked back.​The candle quit his job because he felt burned out.​Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job, now he’s just a handyman.​Going to bed with music on gave him sound sleep.​A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!​I met some aliens from outer space. They were pretty down to earth.​The plane flight brought my acrophobia to new heights.​My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.​I, for one, like Roman numerals.​How do mountains see? They peak.​The show was called Spongebob Squarepants but everyone knows the star was Patrick.​This is not alcohol, water you thinking?!​Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas.​I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.​The earth's rotation really makes my day.​If I buy a bigger bed will I have more or less bedroom?​Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.​Two ropes were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-frayed.​What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.​I got a master’s degree in being ignored; no one seems to care.​After eating the ship, the sea monster said, I can’t believe I ate the hull thing.​Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.​A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.​I had a pun about insanity but then I lost it.​He couldn’t work out how to fix the washing machine so he threw in the towel.​Why does the man want to buy nine rackets? Cause tennis too many.​Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.​If I got paid in lots of Pennes I would make loads of pasta.​I thought I saw a spider on my laptop, but my friend said it was just a bug.​A doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play.Luckily he still made the cast.​The tale of the haunted refrigerator was chilling.​Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.​If you wear cowboy clothes are you ranch dressing?​I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.​Simba, you're falling behind. I must ask you to Mufasa.​I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle.​The bomb didn't want to go off. So it refused.​The sore mummy needed a Cairo-practor​I feel sorry for shopping carts. They’re always getting pushed around.​The display of still-life art was not at all moving!​On Halloween October is nearly Octover.​Pig puns are so boaring.​Why couldn’t the dead car drive into the cluttered garage? Lack of vroom.​What do you call Samsung's security guards? Guardians of the Galaxy.​What does Superman have in his drink? Just ice.​How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.​Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.​The safe was invented by a cop and a robber. It was quite a combination.​What do you do when balloons are hurt? You helium.​One hat says to the other, "You stay here, I’ll go on a head."​How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.​When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.​When the scientist wanted to clone a deer, he bought a doe it yourself kit.​If people ask how many puns I made in Germany I reply, "nein"​Did you hear about the invention of the white board? It was remarkable.​If Donald Trump becomes president, America is going toupee.​Can February March? No, but April May.​I hate Russian Dolls, they are so full of themselves.​What do you do to an open wardrobe? You closet.​The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation.​So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!​Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos.​A backwards poem writes inverse.​Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.​I asked my friend, Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow. But he was Nicholas.​The soundtrack for Blackfish was orcastrated.​Where do you imprison a skeleton? In a rib cage.​There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.​I used to work at a hairdresser but i just wasn’t cut out for it.​Why is metal and a microwave a match made in heaven? When they met, sparks flew.​The lumberjack loved his new computer. He especially enjoyed logging in.​Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers!​When the church relocated it had an organ transplant.​Lettuce take a moment to appreciate this salad pun.​The scarecrow get promoted because he was outstanding in his field.​Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.​I never understood odorless chemicals, they never make scents.​What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.​Why was dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.​When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.​Old skiers never die. They just go down hill.​Did you hear about the pun that was actually funny? Neither have we.​You know why I like egg puns? They crack me up!​Want to hear a pun about ghosts? That's the spirit!​I used to make clown shoes… which was no small feat.​Did you hear about the human cannonball? Too bad he got fired!​What happened when the magician got mad? She pulled her hare out!​Did you hear about the circus that caught on fire? It was in tents.​The one day of the week that eggs are definitely afraid of is Fry-day.​A hen will always leave her house through the proper eggs-it.​The man who ate too many eggs was considered to be an egg-oholic.​All the hens consider the chef to be very mean because he beats the eggs.​Eskimos keep all of their chilled eggs inside of the egg-loo.​Under the doctor’s advice, the hen is laying off eggs for a few weeks.​I had a real problem making a hard-boiled egg this morning until I cracked it.​The best time of day to eat eggs is at the crack of dawn.​The chicken coop only had 2 doors since if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan.​Crossing a cement mixer and a chicken will result in you getting a brick layer.​That reckless little egg always seems to egg-celerate when he sees the light turn yellow.​Hopefully this egg pun doesn't make your brain too fried or scrambled.​Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together. It's hard for them to stay in sink.​People using umbrellas always seem to be under the weather.​I dissected an iris today. It was an eye-opening experience.​What was Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.​What planet is like a circus? Saturn, it has three rings!​Before my father died he worked in a circus as a stilt walker. I used to look up to him.​Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well-balanced meal!​I really look up to my tall friends.​I hate negative numbers and will stop at nothing to avoid them.​Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.​It takes guts to make a sausage.​Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll “Let It Go”!​What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese!​How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it​What do you get when a witch goes to the beach? A sand-witch!​Where do cows go on Friday nights? To the mooooo-vies!​What did the mommy tomato say to the baby tomato? C’mon, ketchup!​Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because he wasn’t “peeling” well!​What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?​Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no body to go with!​What is a pirate’s favorite letter? Arrrrrr!​What does a piece of toast wear to bed? His pa-JAM-as!​What does one eye say to the other eye? Something between us smells​Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!​What happens when an egg laughs? It cracks up!​What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!​Why didn’t the teddy bear want dessert? Because he was stuffed!​Why can’t you tell a joke while ice skating? Because the ice might crack up!​What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!​What’s mommy and daddy’s favorite ride at the carnival? A married-go-round!​How did Cookie Monster feel after eating all the cookies? Pretty crummy!​What do you call a skunk who flies in a helicopter? A smelly-copter!​What do you get when you shake a cow? A milkshake!​How do you catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut!​Why did the bee get married? Because she found her honey!​What did the ocean say to their airplane? Nothing, it just waved!​Where do eskimo pigs live? In pig-loos.​What’s a dinosaur called when it’s sleeping? A dino-snore!​What did the cookie say to the annoying cookie? Crumb on!​Why did Mickey Mouse go up in space? To find Pluto!​What does Olaf eat for lunch? Icebergers!​What letter is always wet? The C!​How do you throw a space party? You planet.​How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.​Nope. Unintended.​The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.​A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."​A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."​Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.​What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.​The broom swept the nation away.​I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.​What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.​What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.​I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.​Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.​Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”​Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.​Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.​What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.​Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.​What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.​What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.​What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.​A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.​After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.​I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.​To write with a broken pencil is pointless.​I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.​I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.​What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.​What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.​How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.​The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.​What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.​What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.​The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.​Sausage puns are the wurst.​What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.​How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.​Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.​What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.​What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.​Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.​What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.​What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.​Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.​Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.​Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.​What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.​What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.​What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.​Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.​What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.

[alltheangstmygifttoyou]

Soulmate AU Part 5

A/N: I am tired and I want this story out here and the parts are going to get longer from now on I think. But finally we get to meet Noah! My son, baby boy! Also a little bitch. Tumblr makes me sad because it took away all my formatting so I’m going through and fixing that. Hope I don’t miss anything.

Summery: The boys and Elena find Noah and introduce him to Jester. 

Word Count: 4624

TW: violence, homophobia, manipulation, child abuse, bullying

Jester should have known not to tell Malcolm anything about her soulmate, because now he kept bringing him up, trying to get every detail he could so he could use them against her. She was tight-lipped about it all, but Jesse wasn’t and told Malcolm everything he knew, which thankfully was very little. Jesse hadn’t even found out from Jester that her soulmate stopped talking to her, she used to avoid the topic with him as much as possible. However now that had changed it shouldn’t be a surprise that they were using it against her. She hadn’t thought it would bother her much, but thinking about her soulmate so much opened a bag of worms she had avoided touching for years. For one, she never did learn why Noah had to stop writing, some days she wondered if he was dead. She didn’t dare write back in case he was alive and still in danger, but there were many days she almost wished he was dead. So much of her life was controlled, it’d be nice if she could pick who she would be with. People were more forgiving of widowed soulmates getting together for comfort. But that thought always made guilt soar through her. Then again that wasn’t the only guilt that came when she thought of Noah. Jester had never been allowed to be in a relationship that wasn’t with her soulmate, but that hadn’t stopped her from thinking about it. It was hard to imagine being with Noah since they had still been young when they talked. There was a problem when she found herself attracted to others though, they were both boys and girls. It didn’t help that she had one main crush that she managed to keep to herself, if anyone found out she was positive Father would kill her, no exaggeration. However that didn’t stop her relishing the moments when Elena Taski brushed fingertips with her, or how she sometimes day dreamed about Elena rescuing Jester from her Father’s beating only to carry her bridal style away to a new home. Her crush on the girl didn’t make much sense, she knew that. She constantly tossed insults at Elena, ones she knew would bother her the most, and Elena did the same with her. Elena had burned her multiple times for crossing the line with insults. Elena worked with Malcolm, and both of them hated Jester. But, no matter how pathetic it was, they were the only people to interact with Jester on a daily basis. The fact that she day dreamed about Elena more than Noah always managed to make Jester feel like the worst scum. She should be trying to imagine what he looks like, dreaming up ways to rescue him. She supposed Jesse was right about her, she really was just horribly selfish.

The guilt ate at Jester, and the small comments from Malcolm weren’t helping. She found herself growing shorter with the muscular boy everyday, snapping back with insults that were much too scathing for the situation. What made it worse was that Malcolm could tell he was getting to her, he had improved on brushing off what she said to take pride in that he was upsetting her. He mentioned Noah more often and by name. He kept trying to bother her for his last name claiming that he was going to find him and tell him what a bitch his soulmate was. Elena was helping him, she sometimes saw her going up to random boys asking their names and if they knew anyone named Noah. She overheard Jesse casually toss the name out to his friends. It all came to a head in chemistry, she managed to have class with all three of them at the same time. She sat at a table in the back by herself, she used to sit next to Jesse but after a fight where he claimed he hated her the teacher had her move back. She could do labs by herself just fine anyway. 

The little trio came in together, Malcolm and Jesse with wide smiles and Elena with a little frown. They dragged a tall but skinny boy behind them. He had light blonde hair that barely would go behind his ears and the lightest green eyes Jester had ever seen. He was shaking in Jesse’s grip. Jester’s eyes narrowed and she didn’t bother to smile, she had a feeling that they had found Noah, or at least thought they did.

“Guess who we found Jester? One Noah Treviti at your service!” Jesse announced before pushing the boy towards her. He tripped and fell at her feet. He was even smaller than she first thought. Elena’s frown deepened and she helped the poor boy up. Jester supposed Jesse expected some sort of reaction out of her, a declaration of longing or maybe anger, perhaps he had just been hoping to get a witty remark. She didn’t give any of it to him. She just watched and waited, eventually the supposed Noah would speak for himself and be proven true or false. She’d deal with it then. Jesse frowned and pulled out a pen. He went over and gripped Noah’s arm tight enough that he winced and pulled the long light blue sleeves up and drew a line on his skin. Immediately Jester’s skin tingled and she didn’t have to look down to know that there was a line on her arm too. She still refused to give Jesse the satisfaction of a reaction, instead paying attention to Noah, who was panicking in Jesse’s grip. He was pulling away from Jesse and breathing heavily. Elena had a hand on his shoulder that he was leaning away from. “What is it, cat got your tongue?”

“You’re hurting him,” Jester answered, feeling a protective fire burn in her stomach. Noah had a hard life, he was in a dangerous situation, he listened to her when no one else did, he didn’t deserve this. Jesse scowled and let go of Noah’s arm. Malcolm stepped in front of Jesse, clearly giving Jesse a glare before looking at Jester with a malicious smirk.

“Noah told us why he stopped writing to you--”

“Then let him tell me Lockhart. I don’t care about anything you have to say.” Jester responded coolly before he could finish. Malcolm frowned and looked back towards Noah, who had frozen like a deer in the headlights. There were definite tears in his eyes. His mouth opened to speak but no words came out. Jester felt her heart break slightly, he was definitely scared of her.

“You can just shake your head yes or no if you want and I’ll ask questions, is that okay?” He nodded, Jesse watched with a frown while Malcolm seemed to be contemplating something. Elena still just had that little frown. “Was there a dangerous situation?” He nodded his head, Jesse opened his mouth to say something but Malcolm put a hand on his shoulder. “Is that situation still a problem?” He nodded once again, he had started to rock back and forth with his back. “Would I think it’s a problem?” He didn’t answer right away and she bit her cheek to stop from expressing. He shook his head slowly and looked down. “Did you stop writing to me after you discovered your power?” He looked up at her wide eyed as did the others before nodding his head. “Do you want to be friends again?” Once again he took a while to answer before slowly shaking his head no. She felt like she was going to throw up, but her face stayed the same. “Is it because of me?” He nodded and a tear fell down his face. She clapped her hands together startling them. “Well thanks for the introduction everyone but this poor boy clearly doesn’t want to be near me so why don’t you take him away.” She smiled though her cheeks ached, it ached in rhythm with her chest. This must have been her punishment for her selfish thoughts.

“Aren’t you going to insult him, yell at him, give him the soulmate speech?” Jesse asked, pulling away from Malcolm’s touch. Jester shrugged, raising her eyebrows.

“I mean he has a legit reason to hate me, unlike you with Malcolm, so no. If he doesn’t want to be around me then I sure as hell won’t make him.” Jester explained and Jesse ground his teeth. Mr. Workshire instructed everyone to head to their seats though so Jesse didn’t say anything, just stormed off to the second row. Malcolm and Elena went to their seats two rows in front of Jester and Noah went to the other side of the room one up on her left. He had been that close to her the entire time, and she had never noticed. She didn’t do the lab that day, nor did she take any notes. She just casually looked at Noah from time to time trying to engrain his features into her mind. This was her soulmate, a tall skinny anxious boy, and he wanted nothing to do with her. She must have talked to him before, but he definitely had been one of the ones where they didn’t have a long conversation about powers. If he was scared of his power that probably put him in section fifteen, and she was supposed to know every (now) fifth year students’ powers and below, but she definitely didn’t remember him. If she had gone to the records room to find out his power then she would have known he was her soulmate, but she didn’t know, and she didn’t know his power.

Class was over before Jester had gotten far in contemplation and she stayed seated as everyone else got up. She watched Noah as he pressed his notebook into his chest and hunched slightly as he tried to get out quickly while avoiding everyone else. Jesse practically stomped out, probably disappointed he hadn’t managed to upset her. He seemed more desperate to do that lately. The whole Malcolm reveal must have gotten inside his head. Malcolm took his time to walk out, and Elena stood patiently by his side. Neither were talking, she hadn’t heard Malcolm’s boisterous laugh all of class. She wondered if they would ever realize that she had probably as much training as Elena did on controlling her emotions. Her face was a tool at her disposal, not something that did whatever it wanted. Once everyone was out of the classroom Jester walked slowly out, Mr. Workshire watching her the entire time. She wondered if he had been listening to their conversation before class started. Maybe that’s why he hadn’t said anything to her about doing the work. Most teachers didn’t like her, they knew her reputation as a bully but also didn’t have any evidence besides student complaints. However most people didn’t pay attention, and it was their word against hers, so the school did nothing. It helped that Jester was part of a prestigious family, and that most of the complainers were fellow students from section fifteen. No one in the faculty wanted to deal with section fifteen students. Things just stayed the same, warnings were given, but that was all. Jester, despite never taking notes, was a straight A student who always got the work done. Some teachers had accused her of cheating but even if she took the tests isolated she was fine. Quinn’s were supposed to be smart, so Jester was. If that meant she pulled all nighters studying sometimes no one would know with some extra makeup. She didn’t need to take notes in class because half the time she had already written it down studying in her room. Not taking notes gave her more time to pay attention to her classmates. 

Jester felt like she was floating through the rest of her school day, everything was on autopilot. By the time dinner came around she didn’t even know when she had gotten into the commons. But she had eaten half of a soft slightly burnt slab of meatloaf and called it good. She walked the crowded halls until they got dingier and darker. Almost no one hung around the section fifteen area, not even the janitors. The only people who really did were people looking to ambush others, and it was just Jester’s luck that a certain redhead and her best friend were waiting for her. Jester grimaced when she saw them but Malcolm put his hands up in surrender. His palms were much paler than the rest of his skin, a fact that Jester had managed to never notice before. She didn’t change her expression.

“We’re not here to pick a fight, we just want to know what you did to Noah to make him so scared.” Malcolm said slowly, he put his hands down to his side. Jester forced herself to smile although it drained more energy than it should have.

“To him? Nothing, didn’t know who he was in person until today.” She pushed her hair behind her shoulder as she spoke, getting ready to play a little game with him. He would be confused and she would give him the simple truth and he wouldn’t believe her.

“Then why did you say he has every reason to hate you?” Malcolm asked, keeping his face rid of anything but suspicion, he was getting better at keeping his confusion under wraps. Jester was almost proud.

“Because he clearly has anxiety and I am known to be a bully. Those two don’t mix, and I know for a fact that he used to be bullied. How awful would that be to find your soulmate had become one of your torturers?” She explained and Malcolm’s face twisted into fury.

“You fucking bitch, you probably knew this whole time, this whole thing has been an act just so you could say that one line, wasn’t it!” His shout was phrased as a question but he said it like a statement. For once Jester was taken off guard. She didn’t really have an idea where he got that idea from. She went to question him but he wasn’t done. “That’s why Noah changed his story from when we talked to him to when you talked to him, you’ve known it was him the whole time and have been using him from the beginning, haven’t you? That’s why he’s so scared. You’re worse than I had ever imagined. You’re barely human!” He ranted on stomping closer to her, she knew she wasn’t supposed to show fear so she stayed where she was but her heart pounded violently in her chest and her muscles clenched, ready for pain. He was going to break her down, she was sure of it. The worst part was that she had no idea why. At least most of the time she knew when she crossed the line. If she lied she would get hurt, if she told the truth she would get hurt, it was as if the world had decided nothing she did would lead to good things. Malcolm stopped right in front of her, close enough that she could feel his breath on her forehead and she had to look up to look into his eyes.

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about, from the amount of times you’ve broken my bones I would think you would know I’m perfectly human.” Her voice sounded like a different person to her, a person who was confident in the face of danger, who made quips despite the pain soon to come. Inside she knew she was just a scared little girl, not old enough to be called an adult but at the age where most people wouldn’t call her a child. She didn’t want to get hurt again, she was so tired of being hurt.

“Well maybe I need to check one more time,” and with that he snapped his fingers and she felt as if fire ripped through her arm and without thinking she looked to see white bone jutting out covered in blood and tore through muscle exposed. She held in a scream, knowing that if she was loud it would only make things worse. Her instincts from home began kicking in. She kept her mouth locked shut and hunched in on herself. Every movement made her arm hurt worse but being hunched made it so there was less area to hit. She focused on keeping her breathing, trying to keep it at a steady rate, hyperventilating only made things worse. It was hard to focus with the voices around her getting louder, but she had practice. Block the voices out, in the end they would only bring more anticipation for the next hit. 

She wasn’t sure how long she stood there, ignoring everything around her except for her breathing and trying not to throw up from pain, but eventually someone must have seen and gotten the nurses. Their warm soothing healing let her relax. She continued to focus on her breathing but let her shoulders fall. When the nurses were finished they didn’t ask her any questions on who did it. Jester got hurt often and never would tell who had done it. She went back to her dorm and laid on the stained disgusting mattress she had had for years. She was exhausted and ready to go to sleep when she felt a tingle on her arm. When she was young that feeling would fill her with joy, the guilt she had been harboring lashed out as she felt it again.

“Jester, can we talk?” Noah’s handwriting was still as messy as ever, he wrote with a combination of someone who wanted to write with as little space between words and letters and someone who wanted nice loops in their letters. The result was a sort of scrawl that was difficult to read, but Jester had gone through all different types of people's handwriting for years now. She could decode it in seconds. 

“Don’t force yourself to talk to me, I get why you don’t.” She answered, ready to let the situation be one that only tortured her in her mind. She didn’t want to deal with it in the real world any further, especially not today. Then again it might have been early morning of the day after she had a bone ripped through her arm, she hadn’t exactly been paying attention to time. 

“But it’s not what you think! I swear.” She wondered what his power was to make him so frightened all those years ago. She wondered why she didn’t have the faintest idea, she was sure she talked to every student in section fifteen. But it was like he was invisible to her. He must not have had an interesting power, but if it was powerful enough to scare him so badly then it should have at least been slightly interesting. Anything particularly deadly interested Father.

“So you’re not scared of me?” She wrote, hoping it didn’t sound too bitter. Or too hopeful. She wasn’t sure what tone she had been going for in the end, it was just a question to be answered.

“I’m not scared of you.” That wasn’t the answer she expected, and she sat up fully, realizing this was going to be a long conversation.

“Then why don’t you want to be friends?” She asked him, writing smaller so they could fit more on their arms. He wrote on the left and she wrote on the right. If they ran out of room they would switch to legs, but after that they would need to wash off their arms, and she didn’t want to do that too soon. She wanted to be able to look at what he wrote again.

“Jesse can’t know that we’re talking again.” Once again Jester was taken completely off guard again. She had no idea why Noah cared whether or not Jesse knew about them. Maybe he was just trying to keep out of the loop so he wouldn’t feel bad about not being able to be with Malcolm, like why they only wrote at night? However Malcolm and Jesse’s faces were both well known around the school, or at least in section fifteen, so Noah must have noticed the two working together. Perhaps he just thought of it as coincidence? 

“Why?”

“Because then he’ll tell your father, and then your father will realize that you never told him my power. He’ll want to know. If he finds out, your father would try to use me for sure. That’s why we agreed to have you forget me.” After he finished the last sentence it became smudged on Jester’s arm and she realized he was trying to erase it. Her mind was reeling. So she had met Noah before, but for some reason didn’t remember him. That and she hadn’t told Father about him. Noah also seemed to be aware of the fact that Jester’s Father had a plan, a plan that should never come into fruition. Jester was missing a chunk of her life that seemed very important at the moment and she wasn’t sure how she felt about it.

“What’s your power?” She wrote back, if he could erase people's memories she could see why Father would want to use that but she didn’t see why that would make him think that he was dangerous. Then again that could have been a lie to throw Jesse off his trail. He might not even be in section fifteen. Jester didn’t really know anything about Noah anymore. He didn’t answer right away, not like before. When he did finally answer he wrote slower, it made his writing more legible. 

“I can make people do whatever I say.” Jester had another set of realization bestowed upon by that revelation. No wonder he was afraid of Father using him, because there was no doubt in Jester’s mind that Father would use Noah until it wasn’t possible anymore and then keep trying to anyway. That kind of power belonged in section one, but if something went wrong it could easily land Noah in section fifteen. Based on the message from when they were younger Jester had a feeling something had gone wrong and he was in section fifteen, like her. She also now knew that what Noah was saying was very literal, people wouldn’t just perform the actions that he told them to do, but he could literally make them do whatever he said, like forget an entire encounter. She wasn’t sure what to say to that. Jester looked over their conversation so far and noticed that he had said “we” when discussing the forgetting event.

“How long did we know each other, before we decided to have my memory erased?” For all she knew she had hid it from everyone for over a year that she was in contact with her soulmate, a whole series of events gone. 

“Not long, maybe an hour. You confronted me after my first class and asked me about my power. When you found out my name was Noah you asked what my last name was. When you realized that we were soulmates you had me come to the hallways of section fifteen and asked if you could give me a hug.” He had to move down to their leg to write now, their left arms were filled with his loops. “We talked about what we had missed in each other's lives and you explained your dad’s plan to take over the world. We knew that if you told him about my power he’d do everything he could to use me, even if that meant hurting my mom. You didn’t want to take the chance of him finding out so you asked me to make you forget the encounter, and ignore me unless I confronted you.” That did seem to be in character for herself, and she was glad she was only missing a little bit of her life. It also explained why she hadn’t noticed him again. 

“I don’t want to forget you again.” She wrote to him the truth, because finally there was someone she could tell it to without worry of pain or punishment. She didn’t have to worry about anyone else overhearing or seeing, it was night and the only light came from a battery powered lamp she kept on at all times. She wondered if the lights in the boys dormitory were as broken as the girls, and if they were, how Noah was seeing. Jester needed support right now, when she was younger she needed it too but there weren’t so many people against her, Father wasn’t as close to winning as he was now and she wasn’t brought home to beat as often. Malcolm and Elena didn’t fight against her and she didn’t have to worry about broken bones and burns at school. If she could talk to Noah at night she wouldn’t be alone all the time, she could talk to someone about the pain. She could help him too, she wouldn’t mind having him practice his power on her, maybe they could use it to take down Father instead of him using it against them. She could listen to his problems, they could discuss homework together. Jester hadn’t had a friend in years.

“What room is yours in your dorm?” She didn’t know why he was asking that, maybe he wanted to talk in person. It was hard to wash in private in the section fifteen bathrooms.

“First hall way, take a right, fourth door down.” It was probably the only door that had a light coming from under it, but she wasn’t sure about that and didn’t want him to walk into a random room. That was dangerous. Then again, maybe he was just taking this down as a note for future information and wasn’t on his way there. His question had come out of left field. When she heard footsteps coming down the hall she felt a smile creep up on her face. No one else would be walking around this late at night, it had to be him, he did want to talk to her in person. She wanted a chance to look at him more, to see if she had missed anything when examining him in chemistry. She wanted to never forget her soulmate’s face again. Her door opened and she noticed for the first time how tall Noah was, he was very skinny but probably taller than Malcolm if he stood up straight. His dirty blonde hair was a short mess that was only floofy to the end of his ears. His eyes were a lighter green than Jester’s own. However the most noticeable thing about him was the deep frown on his lips, and the way he had long sleeves on still and long pants covering up the marks of their conversation. The only sign that he was the one who had been writing to her was the blue pen in his right hand. Jester ignored the frown, and moved over so he could sit next to her on the mattress. He stayed standing.

“I’m sorry,” he began and Jester tensed. Nothing good ever came from starting a sentence that way, the start of many sentences she had said. She didn’t interrupt him though, there was nothing she could do about what he was about to do. Although she was left to wonder if she actually had agreed the first time. “Forget about our conversation and meeting, ignore me unless I confront you again. Go to sleep.” With that the world went dark.

[kittensinsocks24]

Spinel is one of the best examples of trauma and emotional parental figure abuse I’ve seen in media: an essay nobody asked for

As some may know, the television film special for Steven Universe, appropriately enough titled Steven Universe: The Movie premiered on Cartoon Network last night after being announced one year ago at SDCC. It was here where we would get our first glance at the villain of the film, who we would come to find out upon release is named Spinel. 

I as well watched this stephen university moving picture show. And, despite my initial jokes about “this bendy-and-the-ink-machine lookin’ ass bubblegum bitch”, by the time the credits rolled I looked like a drowned cat, and had wept real tears of pain over this poor, poor strawberry shortcake clown infant. But why? Why was I openly sobbing over a literal one-braincell jester girl with the color palette of magenta printer ink? Then it hit me: Spinel is many things, but she is, most importantly, a great mirror. A mirror for me, and any and all other victims of being taken advantage of by somebody you trust, look up to, and admire, most often than not, parents. 

TW: Spoilers below for Steven Universe: The Movie as well as discussion of abusive guardians, short mentions of physical abuse, and discussion of  emotional manipulation

While it’s true that Spinel is self-proclaimed to have been Pink’s “best friend”, I feel that to a more obvious extent she is coded to have had a parental, one-sided-admiration relationship with Pink. This is confirmed to me by her obvious youthful, playful and childlike behavior in her original state, her clinginess to the person she respects, and most importantly, her unquestioning belief in Pink Diamond’s love and belief in her best interests, despite obvious signals otherwise to an outsider. 

Let’s start at the beginning: Past Spinel is, self-described, “innocent, loving, .....stupid.” Spinel was created, metaphorically and physically, to keep Pink Diamond happy and entertained. Her default state was to naturally seek Pink’s approval, to earn her admiration and joy, similar to how most often a child’s first and prevailing desire is to earn their parent’s approval and love. Despite it not being Spinel’s fault that Pink decided to leave her there with the false hope of her returning, Spinel inherently blames her own naivety and desire for Pink’s love for her current predicament. Maybe if she hadn’t been so trusting, had questioned what Pink was making her do, she wouldn’t have been alone all those years. That’s a feeling I think most trauma victims have looking back at their past selves and childhood, something that further drew me to Spinel’s arc as a metaphor for such. 

“And then she smiled, that’s what I’m after: the smile in her eyes, the sound of her laughter.” 

This is a situation I believe most if not all children of emotionally and/or physically abusive parents can relate to. The tale of an abusive parental relationship often starts off with a parent either having a child they weren’t emotionally mature enough to raise, or, more relevant in Pink’s case, “having” a child for selfish reasons of personal entertainment, or to fill a void in their lives somehow, realizing only too late the independent personhood of their new “toy” outside of them. 

I’ve seen some say that Spinel was understandably left behind because she is shown throughout to be “clingy” and “annoying”, but you know who else frequently has those traits? Children. Especially children before they emotionally mature like Spinel does after her revelation about Pink. I can assure you for a fact that I was a very annoying child. Does that make it right that my parent emotionally withdrew after I was no longer pleasing or entertaining to them? Does that make it right that they hit me? No. 

When Pink first “had” Spinel it’s clear that she genuinely enjoyed her company. Most toxic relationships have this sort of “honeymoon” phase, a time before things were so bad that the victim will often wish to go back to, not unlike Spinel. Even though Pink’s later actions erase any goodwill towards Spinel and make it clear that even in joyful times she never really cared for her, as somebody scarred by trauma Spinel inherently longs to go back to these days even if Pink was not actually as happy or good as she remembers. 

Later on, we as the audience, privy to more knowledge, can see that Pink has grown irritated/bored with Spinel. But Spinel, much like a child, isn’t aware of this. Spinel loves and is devoted to Pink, and if Pink is happy, she is happy for her. Her trust in Pink loving her back and unwavering confidence in her actions blinds her to what is coming next. “Every day was so much fun! At least.... that’s what I thought.....” She even is so confident that Pink loves her back that she is 100% positive Pink will take her along to Earth. 

“I was so excited! A whole new place to play!” 

Pink instructs Spinel to stay put in the garden and not follow her, lying straight to Spinel’s openly trusting face that this request is the start of a “game”. Spinel, again only seeking nothing but the love and admiration of her pseudo-parental figure/person she obviously admires, does so without question. In her mind so full of love and genuine belief that Pink would never do something wrong to her, she never even questions that this may not be a game, that Pink is seeking to dispose of her, or that Pink may not return. Spinel takes Pink fully at her word, and thus waits, and waits, for 6000 years. 

At first, Spinel remains ever the optimist she always is, entrusting that despite the obvious gap in time that Pink, having her best interests in mind, will come back to love and play with her. 

As literal years go by, we can see that despite her best efforts the wait for Pink to “come around” (physically, but also emotionally if we view this as a metaphor) has taken a toll on Spinel. She’s visibly weathered, with tired eyes and a weaker smile. However even though this is clearly not good for her she continues to believe that, yes, Pink does love her and would never hurt her! She will come back! 

Worst of all, and something even more stinging when looked at through the lens of an abuse metaphor, is Spinel’s line during this part of the song:

“Happily wondering, night after night, is this how it works? Am I doing it right?”

Annnnnnd this is where the waterworks really burst for me, folks. Spinel has begun questioning Pink’s actions, but her continued belief that Pink, again, would only do the best for her makes it so Spinel has begun, to some extent, to blame herself for how long it’s taken for Pink to return. Spinel feels perhaps she did something to displease Pink, that she messed up their “game” somehow, and this is why Pink has not returned to love her. She must strive and continue to be the best at this “game” or she is to blame for Pink not wanting to play with her. It’s a powerfully impactful line, but even worse for any child who went through a similar trial-and-error, self-deprecating process of trying to earn their parent’s unachievable love through grades, performance, or going above-and-beyond in any other sort of field. 

Spinel is so desperate to finally get Pink’s love “back” that even though it is straining her mentally and (albeit to a lesser extent) physically, she will continue to do whatever Pink asked and even doubt herself and her ability to do things right if it means even a sliver of potential attention down the line.

Then, Spinel has a watershed moment most every child of an abusive guardian will have: she realizes she’s been abused. Through Steven’s broadcast, Spinel indirectly learns two things: 1, Pink is dead, has been dead, and was never intending on coming back for her even after all of Spinel’s silent years of devotion and trust, and 2, Pink proceeded to give others the love and attention Spinel could never earn despite all she did immediately after moving on and leaving Spinel for dead. 

It is in this moment that Spinel not only physically “snaps” and changes into her much more threatening form seen in Act 1, but that she also breaks. 

Spinel entertained and loved Pink for who knows how long before she disappeared, and even in her absence and the absence of love and affection continued to trust and care for her, and Pink instead simply chose to devote herself to new people, a new place, without them even having to earn her like Spinel did? It’s more than unfair, it rocks Spinel’s worldview.

Emotionally, the revelation that the person she adored, loved, trusted and respected and that she naturally looked up to not only did not care for her but actively chose to love others and ignore her despite all the mentally-taxing devotion Spinel gave her is more than she can bear. 

“You keep on turning pages, for people who don’t care, people who don’t care about you. And still it takes you ages to see that no one’s there, see that no one’s there, see that no one’s there. Everyone’s gone on without you.” 

Spinel transforms, a transformation symbolic of the venom and bile of her trauma. Despite her cocky attitude and speech about her “new look” upon initially showing up with her injector, Spinel notably is not proud of her new form. She views herself as broken. 

Scarred beyond repair by Pink’s abandonment and actions. Something too messed up and warped to love, unworthy of affection and friendship.

Traumatized.

I’ve never met another person traumatized by parental abuse who didn’t also feel like they were too far gone. A monster, transformed and shaped into something horrible by their abuser’s actions.  

“All that stuff’s easy for you to say! When you change, you change for the better! When I change, I change for the WORSE! I used to just be not good enough, not good enough for Pink,- but NOW, I’m not GOOD AT ALL!” 

~                                 ~                                       ~

“Spinel, you’ve met The Diamonds before, right?”

“Yeah, but.... (notably hesitant) they’ve never seen me like this.” 

With Pink gone, Spinel has nobody direct to confront about her traumas. Without any better coping mechanisms, Spinel’s only desire is to lash out at somebody, anybody for her pain. She specifically chooses Earth and The Crystal Gems for having been the objects of the affection Pink never gave her, despite not actually having a personal relationship with them. 

“Y’know, I came here to take my anger out on a bunch of strangers, [...]”

When I first wisened up to the fact that what my parent did wasn’t normal, wasn’t something I should have gone through as an innocent child, I lashed out at any and everybody I felt was involved in some way. My father for never being around when it happened, never stopping her when it did, never getting her help, never calling CPS. My brother for never having to deal with her wrath, for always raising the bar with his good grades, making it feel harder and harder to earn the love I felt like I had to have.

Spinel’s maladaptive way of handling the situation is an all-too-common chapter in the life of the abused, and something that further strengthens the connection her arc has to real life people in similar situations.

When Steven confronts her that this isn’t the way to handle things, Spinel doesn’t see any other way. She doesn’t feel like she can trust anybody again, and doesn’t feel herself worthy of love. During “Found”, she’s noticeably hesitant and even resistive to Steven’s assurance that she’ll find somebody who truly does love her one day, too scarred by Pink’s deception to open herself up to the idea of healing.

Even when she does, it’s notably a delicate process. After turning off the injector, her own insecurity and trust issues due to her traumatic incident leads her, without any real evidence, to assume that Steven and the Gems value her as little as Pink did. She is both afraid of what she has become, again feeling she is too traumatized to be accepted and loved, and also afraid that they will leave her as easily and quickly as her abuser. 

After failing to ever earn Pink’s love fully and the physical and emotional transformation her trauma has had on her, Spinel doesn’t genuinely believe anybody could ever want her company ever again. 

“I’m the source of all your problems. Don’t pretend you want me here.  What’s your plan for me, huh? Ya gonna put me somewhere? Gonna - LEAVE me somewhere? Gonna LEAVE ME ALONE?”

However, after the emotional catharsis of lashing out, sharing her traumas with Steven, and then spiraling into another emotional rage over what happened to her, Spinel, having begun to process her trauma, realizes that her hurting those only vaguely, tangentially related to her abuser and situation will do nothing to heal the pain inside her, and, more importantly, realizes that doing this is only pushing people away from her and failing to allow herself to open up to loving again. 

And, of course, this is via a breakdown complete with agony-driven laughter, because Rebecca loves rendering me bald and taking an icepick to my similarly traumatized heart.

“(cracking with emotion)....What am I doing? Why do I want to hurt you so bad? I’m supposed to be a friend. .....I just want to be a friend.”

As low of a point as this is for Spinel emotionally, it shows that she has begun the slow but ultimately fulfilling process of healing. This new path continues in her next scene, where she opens herself up to The Diamonds with Steven’s coaxing, despite the person who spurned her having been a Diamond herself (this also easily could be viewed as a metaphor for opening yourself up to trusting mentoring relationships again and finding a healthy new parental relationship in someone either non-blood-related or in other members of your family). 

In probably the most heart-wrenching scene of the movie for me, as The Diamonds reprise their song about opening their hearts up to a new member of their family (this also furthers my argument of spinel = child figure to Pink, considering the last person the trio sung this to was Pink’s literal biological son), Spinel sings part of Found again, finally believing Steven’s statement that she will love again, as she connects and converses with people who genuinely like her despite all she’s been through and become. 

Spinel learns and accepts, for the first time in the movie, that she is worthy of love, and is not too broken or changed by her trauma to receive it. 

And so I cried like the winner of a horseradish paste eating contest. 

In summary, to me, and I’m more than sure to other experiencers of childhood emotional and/or physical abuse at the hands of somebody they trusted, Spinel is one of the best media representations of the complex moods, highs and lows, and experiences of going through, repressing, and processing trauma. Not only that, but unlike some other characters I can think of, Spinel gets a hopeful ending. She’s not so warped and broken that the writers deemed her too far gone and thus only worthy of killing off. No. Spinel is a trauma victim who goes through a dark period of coping in negative ways, but then comes out the other side ready to open herself back up to the idea of healing and moving on from her trauma and abuser. Despite all her baggage and scars, the movie assures us Spinel is just as worthy of a happy ending as any other person. 

And I don’t think I’m alone in saying that if MY pained ass at the beginning of my traumatic processing years ago had seen that I could, that I CAN be okay despite it, that it would have meant so much to me. 

And even though I’m still still learning to love again myself, I think deep down all victims hope we can become our own Spinel someday. 

Somewhere.

Somehow.

We’ll love again. 

TL;DR Rebecca Sugar wrote one of the best arcs about abuse on television ever and its star was a rubberhose baby who sounds like Betty Boop and whos shoes make the spongebob walk cycle noise sample and thats why you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.