#she brought it up pretty early into the sessions but I ignored it LOL

[deadlittledogs]

me and my therapist on our zoom call after she tells me my dad treats me as not only a daughter but also a wife

[hes-writer]

To You (4)

Summary: harry dates y/n to get closer to her best friend

Warnings: mild angst (what else lol), not a lot of dialogue for this one, and a bit of fluff

Word Count: 2775 words

A/N: I've had the worst writer's block for this series but then inspiration struck me at 2 am and I had the chance to write a lil sumthin sumthin for the next part :D

Read the full series in my masterlist (bio)

As I mentioned before, this story kind of goes backwards.

____

As self-deprecating as it is, Y/N couldn’t help but feel her guard lower with each fleeting glance at her phone. She didn’t mean to, really. It wasn’t as if she was bored out of her mind because she was the opposite of that. 

Going on her phone and tapping on Instagram was more of a distraction from studying if anything. She was hounded by piles of homework and pages of readings to do by the end of next week. It seemed that her brain was working in constant overdrive to try to remember the endless concepts and theories that were catapulted at her with no signs of stopping. Her eyes were straining from the constant stimulation from her laptop screen, and from trying to read the small letters plastered on the computer. 

Y/N was studying on her designated studying days, as usual. She was quite proud of sticking to the schedule, except for the few weeks that she opted to coddle herself in the confines of her warm blanket because that was around the time that she found out her boyfriend, Harry, was only using her to get close to her best friend, Louise. 

——

In retrospect, Y/N should have seen all the signs blaring right in front of her face all along. She gave herself facepalms more than she could count by the way she was—quite literally—blinded by love to realize that Harry’s feelings were nothing but a façade. That Y/N was nothing but a pawn in his game; a character to manipulate, disposable in order for him to get the woman he actually wanted. And Y/N had no doubts that her ex-boyfriend was treating Louise like a queen. 

Y/N wore red-tinted glasses while she was with Harry and she didn’t see the red flags rising every time he shaped their evening around Louise’s schedule. She thought that Harry was making such a good effort in getting to know the people close to Y/N’s life that he insisted on having Louise around whenever they hung out with her friends. 

Harry asked endless questions about Louise; from where she worked to what she was interested in—to which Y/N had foolishly answered, believing that she had found the perfect man to share her life with. But she should have known when he didn’t do the same for her other friends. Hell, he didn’t even do the same to her!

___

When Harry and Y/N were just friends, he didn’t bother getting to know her as thoroughly and comprehensively as he did with Louise. In fact, it could be argued that Harry hated Y/N when they were first introduced by—and this was ironic—Louise! 

Louise spoked highly and excitedly of ‘my friend, Y/N’ and with Harry being the loved-up simp that he was—wanted to please Louise by appearing interested in her friend. He guessed that he was probably too good of an actor (not to toot his own horn) because that meet up turned into a set-up. 

Louise had planned a date for her friends, Y/N was indifferent to it; she was even a little excited because she thought that Harry was sort of nice. Despite the fact that he was indirectly rude to her in their first meeting, Y/N didn’t hold grudges on people for their first impressions. She believed that anybody could have a bad day and that might just be the time when Harry was dragged by the arm to be introduced to her. 

Y/N understood if that was the case. She was not too keen on acting nice and friendly after a stressful day at work, or a hard study session at the library. So even if Harry was practically snarling at every word she said from his seat around the rounded booth table of the bar—she agreed to go on a first date with him. 

——

Harry was in shambles.

He got himself into quite an intricate mess trying to attain the woman of his dreams. He was such a pleaser that he was now contemplating inside his car, outside of Y/N’s address. Was this all worth it? Of course, it was. As much as Harry would like to say that this was part of his plan to make Louise his girlfriend, it really wasn’t. 

But that didn’t mean that he couldn’t use it to his advantage. 

It was a good thing that he was early—about twenty minutes or so. That was only because he was huffing the whole time Harry was buttoning the clutches of his dress shirt, shaking his head at the bathroom mirror and reprimanding himself for letting his lovesickness to get him deeper than he would like. But hey, the sooner Harry got to Y/N’s place, the sooner this ‘date’ would be over. 

So here he was, hidden in the shadows of the night sky and shielded by the heavy tint of his Range Rover. Palms were pressed on the lush leather steering wheel as Harry formulated how he could turn this around in his favour. He was already in Louise’s good books for even agreeing to this in the first place—why not make Y/N his own personal wingman?

Granted, that she didn’t actually know Harry well enough but maybe this date could reach Louise’s ears about how much of a romantic, perfect, and chivalrous gentleman Harry could be. That would surely make Louise like him, right?

Wrong. Absolutely wrong.

It was safe to say that Harry was feeling guilty the moment he decided to use Y/N in order to get to her best friend, but that ship sailed long ago when anger and frustration took over. Why in the hell was he so perfect to Y/N’s eyes that she had gushed about him to her best friend minutes after he had dropped her off?

Why did Harry have to knock on her door with a single-stemmed rose clutched in his fingers, doing a little bow to add humour when she opened the door? And what in God’s name possessed him to say that she looked beautiful that night in her pretty, deep green dress that he thought was absolutely gorgeous on her—but his heart was with another woman—fully knowing that it would look better on Louise?

“Why. . . just why,” Harry asked himself as he sat at a table with Y/N, Louise and her boyfriend, Dylan. 

That was what being romantic got him. That was where declaring Y/N as his unofficial wingman ended him upon. A double date with the woman he wanted with Y/N looking at him as if they’ve been together for years, when in fact, they had only known each other for a few weeks. 

Harry’s pride was too big to admit that this time; he couldn’t get the girl. And so, his bruised ego declared that this date was just another unplanned situation that would benefit him—somehow, someway—in the future. 

Wrong again. 

Because a month later,  Y/N was running off to her lecture with a bag strapped over her shoulder, leaving Harry a passionate kiss on the lips. He was quite ashamed to say that he enjoyed the affection, but not enough to ignore the throbbing of his heart

Harry wasn’t all in with his relationship with Y/N and he knew exactly why. For months, he had been pining for Louise and well, he ended up with her best friend, Y/N. Now that was just super unlucky for him. And he wasn’t usually a mean person, but Harry was very annoyed with fate (or destiny) for leaving with an ultimatum. 

First, leaving Y/N risking her tattling to Louise about him breaking her heart was a no-no. Second, staying with Y/N until she realizes that both of them were no good together. The latter was a much more pleasant choice, except the fact that it could take months for Y/N to acknowledge that she and Harry were both too different for each other. 

—— 

It was another four months later when Harry drew upon an epiphany very similar yet completely different from the ultimatum he had presided. 

Y/N was sure of her feelings more than ever, even dropping the ‘L’ word during a drunken stupor of wine and bubbly champagne. Harry was sure that she hadn’t remembered her confession the next morning because she never brought it up. However, those words that escaped her lips were enough for Harry to overthink each night one or the other slept over. 

Sometimes Y/N’s snores would serve as background noise to his serene imagination, wondering why the images of Louise and him doing couple-y stuff were now replaced with Y/N’s figure instead. 

He also pondered if his memory was so impeccable that he could hear Y/N’s laugh fluttering in his ears while she was sound asleep beside him or was it just because she released a chuckle every time he made a horrible joke?

(It was true. Y/N never left Harry hanging in the air with a questionable punchline of a head-scratching joke. Both of them knew that her giggles were pity laughs. Harry was thankful for it and Y/N just couldn’t resist painting a genuine smile on Harry’s face, looking so proud that he had made her laugh.) 

Harry was certain that his feelings for Y/N wouldn’t quite reach the threshold that he held her for now. But it seemed that he was getting a lot of his sworn predictions wrong lately. Sure, their first encounter (and the second, and the third. . .) were purely for satisfaction’s sake. A mere plot for Harry to build his boyfriend resumé for Louise. 

Harry wasn’t sure when his feelings shifted from civil and friendly to an ever-evoking, lovesick puppy. 

Maybe it was the way Y/N walked, straight into his heart and stole it, keeping it safe in her tender hands when she pressed a lingering kiss on his lip while she ran off to catch the bus. The way Harry would pout when Y/N forgot the routine she had set, resulting in him whining her name and sometimes chasing after her to get his much-needed kiss. He even started calling it his ‘good-luck charm’ because it seemed like without it; Harry came home more drained and tired than usual because nothing went right that day. 

Or maybe it was the way she giggled while reading something on her phone, laptop, or a book—even if it was for school purposes. How absolutely pleased he was to hear her melody of giggles, straining his ear to listen more closely and wanting to do nothing more than to hear it again because it was music to Harry. It usually ends with Y/N’s heaving breaths, begging him to stop tickling her. 

Was it because she was the most adorable little thing while she was asleep? No, it couldn’t be, Harry thought, even though the admiration in his eyes cannot be described as anything other than glazed over with love and affection with the way he stared at Y/N’s sleeping face. 

But why can’t he stop thinking about her when she wasn’t around? Harry felt like he was missing a part of himself as soon as he shut the door to his house because Y/N had to go to her own place. 

Why did a smile splinter his lips visualizing Y/N studying at her kitchen table with a topknot wobbling on her head and a pair of her thick-rimmed glasses slipping down the bridge of her nose? Harry still remembers the first time she asked him to redo the bun on her head, complaining that it was loosening and that she couldn’t focus when strands were haywire. 

Harry made sure to be extra careful as to not accidentally pull on her scalp, stretching the hairband around his fingers. 

Now, he only had a minute experience in hair styling, reminiscing to his long-haired days were he slipped his hair into a neat ball in a few seconds or less. But this was Y/N, his girlfriend, who had an adorable pout on her face. The finch between her brows deepening when she tried to understand the concepts written on the screen yet she would giggle when Harry would ask her, ‘Am I hurting you?’ and shake her head ‘no’. 

——-

So it was a bit questionable when Harry jumped at the chance to kiss Louise when the time came. 

She had just broken up with her boyfriend and called Y/N for comfort. However, Y/N was about to leave for an exam worth half of her grade and she couldn’t just not attend it. She may love her best friend with all of her heart, but not enough to waste thousands of dollars to redo a course because she missed the final exam. 

Hence, why Harry was sent in place of Y/N instead. And that was also how his plump lips managed to lock itself with Louise’s’ glossy ones. He should’ve felt guilt stab him right away when he tasted wet, salty tears on his tongue when he battled for dominance with Louise. 

Harry should have pulled away when his phone buzzed in his pocket; a message from girlfriend that she had just finished her exam and was ready to be picked up now so that she could give love and comfort to her best friend. 

Harry’s subconscious must have reminded him that this was the woman whom he had spent months pining on; desperately trying to make her his yet failing. And now that he had the chance to, he couldn’t stop. 

Instead of doing everything his conscience had practically yelled at him to do, Harry’s brain had buffered—his body numbed every nerve except the ones controlling his mouth because their persisting kiss was captured by a photographer hidden amongst barricades that Harry had failed to take notice of. 

Harry was sure that his presence was hidden to the best of his abilities, but he guessed that Louise’s hands had pulled his hoodie off in the midst of their make-out session, revealing his side profile and the unruly curls on his head. 

And that was how Y/N identified the image on her phone the time she felt her heart being ripped out and crushed into pieces. That, and the fact that Harry wore the same clothes she had seen him in before she left. 

____ 

And now, as Y/N paused her thumb from scrolling away from the image on her screen, the same pain and heartbreak still throbbed in her chest. 

She couldn’t seem to forget, as a lot of people say, what Harry did to her. Despite the fact that he was spotted outside her door, leaving boxed gifts of chocolate and flower bouquets a few minutes ago—Y/N simply didn’t have the capacity to sweep everything under the rug. 

The wound was still fresh—feeling air was enough to have her hissing, aiming to cover the cut in fear that it would become too painful to even ignore. For weeks, Y/N had to wallow in agonizing self-pity to remind herself that Harry didn’t deserve her or her love for him and now she was somehow ready to run back into his arms? 

She absolutely despised the way her hands twitched to send him a text. To leave him a voicemail or to simply tap his contact just to hear him speak to her again. Y/N was ashamed to admit that he thought about knocking on his front door just for another chance at seeing him again. An opportunity to ask him if he was happier with her (ex) best-friend—if Harry loved Louise more than he did with her. Or—and most of all—if Harry ever did love Y/N during their short relationship. Was everything just a game to him? 

She was doing good so far; she was strong enough to withhold from the urges of communicating with an ex. However, Y/N knew it was only a matter of time before Harry took extreme measures to speak to her, unlocking her door with the spare key she had given him. One day she would be met with his figure in the hallway with a sad smile on his face and three long-stemmed sunflowers in his hand and Y/N wouldn’t be able to resist him. 

Y/N hated herself for being so weak whenever Harry was involved. He was her Kryptonite; getting too close to him was what ripped her to shreds. 

___

Let me know what you thought!

____

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[emma-what-son]

(Echee post) Emma Watson bailed out of junket interviews because she was "sick"

Posted on November 10, 2015

Below is from a live blog session at laineygossip.com. It's has been a pro Emma place. In fact some of their articles make me throw up in my mouth because it's almost like fan fiction/praise. They even did an article in a over protective motherly fashion worrying about Emma's association with big time notorious needs anger management movie producer Harvey Weinstein that I posted. An anonymous commenter pointed this out to me. What is intriguing to me about this "sick" claim was on the days of these press junkets in both London and NYC I was trolling the usual Emma and Potter forums for things and a lot of people mentioned this "sick" claim but I thought nothing of it. Apparently so true but there is a problem here. From laineygossip.com July 19th, 2011 12:22 Em E: Emma Watson's latest press tour for HP7pt2 has left a bad taste in my mouth - and I have always LOVED her, and loved all the cast of harry potter. Anyone else feel this? and is this oxford business just another excuse for dropping out to pursue business things? 12:23 Sarah: Em--I AGREE. I've had to ignore her. If I want to preserve liking her, I have to ignore her right now. That said, I want to believe doing a year at Oxford is for real because I'm in Emma's corner. Also, I wonder if she didn't find herself being more homesick than she anticipated at Brown. 12:23 Lainey: Em - she bailed out of junket interviews in London, claimed she was "sick". Did the same for junket interviews in NYC last week. Said she was "sick". Was seen at the spa. That girl is ...starting to live inside her own head. We'll see where this goes. 12:23 Lisa: I agree with Em......i saw her on Letterman and there was too much TRY going on. 12:24 Soma: Emma is probably being told that she will be the only one who is going places post-Potter. 12:28 Lizzy: What was wrong with her press tour? She was excellent. Seriously women. Always have to put other females down (for no reason). But this is the world we live in. 12:29 Lainey: Lizzy - when you agree to a press tour, you commit to interviews and appearances. You have a team of people working around you who have made promises and assurances to their constituents which include media, sponsors, marketing folks, etc. Daniel, Rupert, Tom, Matthew, and the rest were able to honour their commitments. Emma claimed to be sick, didn't do the most boring parts, went to the spa, was photographed shopping, and still got dressed up in a pretty gown and went full on for makeup and hair so that she could have her picture taken. THAT is not a grown up decision. THAT is you being a fan girl and incapable of looking past what's spoon fed to you by a pretty smile. Update:This is from Lainey again, one year later, September 12, 2012: "As you know, I love her a lot. I expect I will love her for a long, long time. Long relationships are not without their challenges though. And I suspect Emma and I we might be going through a rough patch. It’s been building for a while. Last year at the junket for the final Harry Potter movie, Emma was the only one of the top 3 who didn’t show for interviews. They said she was sick. She was not too sick to pose pretty on the red carpet at the premiere." From Khaleej Times July 18th, 2011, "Though much has been made of Watson’s departure from Brown – rumours suggest that fellow students made it too difficult for her to stay – the actress herself cites other, perfectly plausible reasons for her decision. “I knew I had to be back in the U.K. because I had ADR (sound re-recording) to do for Deathly Hallows, Part 2,” she says. “I have to promote this film, and trying to commute from the U.K. to Brown and get all my assignments in on time and still show up for all the premieres and junkets and do all the Potter work I still had left to do. It was all just looking so silly. As I tried to map it all out in my head, I realised that it was just going to be impossible and that I wasn’t going to do a good job for the movie and get good grades at Brown, basically, which is what I

want to do. I’m quite hard on myself like that. So I just wanted to do my best, rather than be pulled into a million pieces and not be as professional or have as much energy as I’d want to put into anything I’m doing.” ... cough.. cough...bullshit, lol. She left brown for Perks of being a Wallflower and Lancome and deleted a facebook wall post a week prior before her spring term began stating she was getting ready to go back to Brown. I've documented this on various posts and there are links to fan sites of that facebook wall post. If Emma was so sick why was she photographed busting a move on the dance floor all evening at the after party in London and papped in the early hours in a short black mini dress looking smug as ever with that smirk she gives or better yet, calling it a night early to rest up for NYC? I have those pictures in one of my blogs. Secondly, if she was so sick in NYC why did she go to that NYC strip club instead of attending the after party in NYC or better yet laying low to get better? I have that report in another one of my blogs. Sick people don't go looking for the party and professional people don't shirk there responsibilities to go party. Lainey gossip in their last comment is describing how I think Emma truly is in general wanting all the attention. She did do that wearing that 6,000 pound/dollar dress to the press conference in London while others dressed down and those other dresses.

Maybe because she was hanging out with perks of being a Wallflower Ezra Miller. She brought him to the DH2 premiere. Apparently she got better to go to a NYC strip club.

[blehbleehhhh]

I Need You pt. 1💕 (EreMika)

A lovely reader requested a fic a LONG time ago (I'm so sorry!!) where Mikasa gets jealous. My hubby helped me write this one. I'm sorry you had to wait so long lol but here it is! I really hope you like it ❤️ Keep up the requests my loves! Recovering from surgery is boring and I could always use more ideas! There's obviously smut in this. Sorry it's so long, I can't post it all at once, so it’s split in half, part two will be uploaded immediately after this one, and I’ll put the link to it in this as well. Mwah. < part two!

It's been going on for longer than anyone can remember - Eren wakes up early so he can begin the day training with Annie to improve upon hand to hand combat skills in addition to squeezing that in during the day amongst their already chaotic schedules, which unfortunately seems to have created a mutual respect much to Mikasa's dismay, who is sitting on the grass silently protesting not far from where they're training. The girl feels unbelievably guilty for not entirely supporting her friend because she’s all too aware that this is a wonderful opportunity for him, and he has improved considerably in just the short few weeks they've been practicing together. What's worse is how much time Eren is spending with Annie, unknowingly making her genuinely concerned that he harbors romantic feelings for her, which is a thought that Mikasa simply cannot tolerate. The only thing she despises more than the thought of them always being together, would be witnessing their training sessions because she doesn't understand why he didn't approach herself for help. "You are aware that you cannot actually stare holes in the back of her head, right?" Armin chuckled as he turned the page of his book that he literally finished over half of in a short period of twenty four hours, something she always found to be impressive. She happily tore her eyes away from the repulsive sight of Eren getting pinned down beneath the blonde, leaning back against the tree with a long, drawn out sigh and watched with an unreadable face as Armin closed his book over a dried out leaf. He looked up at her with a tiny smile as he connected his hands under his head and lay the book on his stomach, feet already propped up on the tree's trunk. "Seriously, Mika, if looks could kill." The girl only gave a truly somber sigh and switched her gaze to the grass beneath her hands as she brought both of her knees up to her chest, slowly running her fingers through the soft vegetation.

“Don’t you miss him, Armin?”

"Yeah, but it is what it is. You do seem to be angry, though."

"Why would you think that?"

"Well, because you've been giving them the death stare since you sat down twenty minutes ago." His face fell when she slowly shook her head, something she usually does when she's about to cry. "Wait, are you jealous?

"I..." Mikasa sighed as she lifted her head and turned her attention back to Eren, only to see him fling Annie onto her back then climb on top to pin her down, and a cloud of dust surrounding them in retaliation, making her mind cloud with thoughts of being underneath him herself but for a very, very different reason. The sight was enough to set her over the edge with jealousy and make her hands curl into fists. "I have a headache. I think I'm going to head back to my room and lie down until dinner." Armin wore a frown when she looked back at him, undoubtedly because he hates to see her so heartbroken like this. He knows how long she's loved Eren.

“You gonna be okay?”

"Yeah," She offered a small, reassuring smile as she slowly rose to her feet, though she could tell that he wasn't buying it. "I'll see you later." These constant thoughts of Annie training with Eren are making her shake with anger, so she made sure not to look that direction when running for her bunker. Mikasa is fuming now that her mind is stuck on trying to understand why he didn't ask her to help, but most of all, how he constantly evades not giving enough credit to how strong she is. Perhaps the best way to convince him that I'm strong enough without him and his hero complex is to cut him out of my life? With a heavy heart, she entered her bedroom and carefully closed the door behind her, thankful that she could now lie down and place a pillow over her eyes, waiting impatiently for fatigue to take over so she can get some rest. That evening at dinner is when she started to ignore him, beating herself up every second it dragged on because she desperately wants to speak with him and breathe his air, but she just can't take it anymore. She won't take it anymore.

The next day was easily as annoying and difficult for the soldiers like always, but Mikasa had gradually began to feel hurt that he hadn't seemed to have noticed her absence but, little did she know, he's much more observant than she realized. Of course, Eren would notice her absence throughout the day because she's always, always by his side and he's grown so accustomed to her comforting presence, that he's feeling something never really felt for her, yearning - he yearns to hear her angelic, soft voice, to have any sort of contact even if she's scolding him for something reckless that he will most likely end up doing. The young man wasn't close to being sure what had occurred between them that could have made her behavior change so drastically over night, but this act of cat and mouse went on all day and only made it seem even longer. Mikasa won't even look his way let alone speak with him, hell, he's pretty sure that she has been avoiding him completely because anytime she spots his familiar face, she either takes off the other direction, or simply avoids his confused, questioning gaze. And because he would be a liar if he said that this wasn't starting to drive him crazy, he decided to ask her what he'd done at dinner that night. "Hey, are you okay?" Oh, how he's grown to miss those gorgeous gray orbs, desiring nothing more than for her to look him in the eyes again, but she simply breathed a barely audible sigh as she propped her head up on one of her fists with her trademark, unreadable expression, staring down at her tray and silently pushing her food around with a fork. It’s always in her eyes. I bet that's why she won't look at me. Though Eren found the response unsatisfactory, he threw the towel in because he knows how stubborn she can be and there truly isn't any reason why she shouldn't have a few days to decompress. However, on day three of being avoided and ignored, he‘d been stewing most of the morning on reasons why she won't acknowledge him and it made his mind up for him, that he was going to say fuck it and ask her what was going on. That evening he was in the common area with a few friends playing an unnecessarily competitive game of cards, when he suddenly became aware of her absence from the room. With a sigh he added two new cards from the draw pile into his hand. "Anyone seen Mikasa?" His eyes flickered up as he chewed a hangnail off his thumb, glancing around the table to see Jean shrug his shoulders while he drew cards for himself and slowly shook his head in irritation with how horrible that are.

“I actually haven’t seen her much today.”

"I'd go check her room, Eren," Armin yawned as he arranged the cards in his hand and displayed them out on the wooden table, lacing his fingers together behind his head as he balances the chair on its back legs. "Oooh, I'm sorry, Jean, but I'm afraid that I've just kicked your ass again." Jean rolled his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, a little more than annoyed that this is the second game he's lost tonight out of the two rounds played so far.

"How are we sure that you're not cheating?!"

"Because I don't need to cheat in order to beat you. You just suck at this game." 

"I smoked you last night."

"Kiss my ass!"

"Yeah, well," Eren set his hand of cards on the table as he pushed his seat back. "You guys can fight over that. I'm gonna go find Mikasa." He stood up with a yawn and strolled lazily out of the room, leaving the two behind to bicker over how his friend is too intelligent for his own good at times. They could have cared less when he walked away, though he did hear Armin quickly wish him a good night from where he stands in a dark hallway with gray stone walls lit by sconces and a few tall candle stands. Eren counted each wooden door he passed until he was certain that he had reached the right one then gave it a firm knock with his knuckle, surprised when she didn't come to the door to let him in, only informing him in her soft voice that 'it was open'. He opened the door to find Mikasa standing at her window already dressed in her nighttime attire and watching the sun setting in the summer sky, it’s powerful rays reflecting a beautiful range of many different colors. "Uh," His deep voice cut through the stillness of the dimly lit room as he cleared his throat and carefully closed the door behind him. "Hey." But she remained silent, listening to the familiar sound of military issued boots on a hardwood floor as they came up behind her and to a stop. Squeezing her eyes shut she swallowed the tears, feeling both relieved and incredibly distressed that he came knocking on her door, though she shouldn't be too surprised after seeing the confused expression on his face three days prior, when she had accidentally made eye contact after a day of training with the others. Eren felt anxious as he cracked his knuckles, his stomach in knots because he's fretting over what he could have done to make her cut him out, watching in awe as the beauty hung her head with a heart wrenching sigh. "Mikasa?" Her silhouette raised a hand up to push silky, shoulder length hair back with her fingers and leaned over the windowsill to observe the world outside, sighing in a way that sounds as if she's fending off coming completely unglued.

"What do you want, Eren?"

[canaryatlaw]

okay, well today was fine overall. Up at 8:45 for court, I was a little concerned about juggling two cases in two courtrooms both set for 9 am, because I was stupid enough to put myself in that position, but things ended up working out, though in the opposite direction that I thought- I thought I could get the just me case done quickly and then go to the one with other parties present, but that one ended up pretty close to the front of the court call, so I told the coordinator at the other room to just stick me in a breakout room and I’d let them know when I’m good to go, so that worked out. I have multiple cases right now (one this morning and one I have up tomorrow) where the other side is filing a domestic relations (divorce, custody, etc.) case, which means the OP case gets consolidated with it, and I can no longer be their lawyer, and it’s been super fucking frustrating because apparently divorces are on the rise right now (can’t imagine why!!) and trying to find clients other legal aid counsel is getting increasingly difficult. the one I have up tomorrow I really did not want to lose (I’ll spare you the details, but it involves a young child and it’s BAD) and I had expressed as much to my boss, and it sounded like our family law department could jump on the case, which would mean I could probably stay on for the OP part of the case, so I sent the client an intake to fill out, but when I passed it on they basically just told me they weren’t taking anything and I just forwarded it to my boss like.....and she was confused about it because apparently they had spoken about keeping some cases going that were extreme, so she’s going to talk to them about it and see if we can work it out, but in the meantime the client should start looking for other potential divorce counsel (from legal aid, as she has no income and is living in a shelter right now), and since the cases are getting consolidated tomorrow it means I have to officially withdraw from the case, and I’m really just fucking mad about it, you guys know how I get revved up with cases involving kids and even though I haven’t been on it very long (probably about a month at this point) I feel very protective of the client being such a vulnerable position and assured her that I may have to tell the court I’m withdrawing, but I will not stop being her lawyer until we get another lawyer on the case, or our family law department is able to accept it. I’m just really irritated about the whole thing because this is not the first time it’s happened with a client I felt really attached to, and just having to give up the case without there being anything I can do about it is really fucking frustrating. And the client is super sweet and speaks some english, but when exchanging emails I’ve been putting them through google translate (she speaks “Amharic”) with the translated version on top and the english underneath it, and that usually helpful enough for her to be able to answer in english. It’s kind of fun, because they don’t use the same numerals we do, so it’s just totally different. but yeah, I have that going on tomorrow and I’m super pissed about it and just feel really bad because the last thing I want to do is to leave this poor woman with no lawyer in such a vulnerable situation and I’m totally committed to making sure that does not happen, even if some of that is not part of a traditional attorney role (as if I give a fuck). but anyway. that case today was fine and short, they’re going to file the DR case soon and hopefully find that client a DR lawyer too. ugh. then there was my other case with the judge who really likes me (hehe) but she’s caught up in this one thing she wants me to do to go to publication that isn’t normal so we got stuck up with that this morning which was frustrating but like I get it, she’s a new judge and I can’t expect her to memorize the entire statute right off the bat, and her intentions are good at least as far as wanting a default order to be enforced and not ignored because of lack of service (though I spoke with my boss after and it didn’t sound like this would even help that. so I have to figure out what to do there. after court I worked on the leftover clinic cases from yesterday, getting everything ready to be filed. Apparently the courthouse is in a somewhat chaotic situation because apparently one of the judges tested positive for covid, and possibly other staff members who worked in screening (meaning they see a LOT of people) as well, so like half of the staff is in quarantine and not at the courthouse, so I understand it’s pretty chaotic there at the moment. my own case did get processed pretty quickly though, it was a pretty strong case so I wasn’t really worried, and the hearing went fine, though at the end the judge asked if we could go back to using the short forms we switched over like last year to the updated ones that everyone else was also supposed to switch over to but hasn’t yet, and I had to awkwardly be like uhh that’s really not something I have any control of but she could speak with my boss I guess? I was running right into a staff meeting that started a few minutes before we finished up, and I did mention the judge’s comment, and apparently since we have a new clerk of court in cook county she’s apparently been pushing to use the new forms when the old clerk was pretty against doing so, so I think the new one is ruffling some feathers about it, but oh well. staff meeting was fine, once we finished I stayed on the line with my boss for our monthly check in which is kind of new and we had to reschedule like 5 times haha. the introductory stuff was kind of awkward and just some stuff that I feel like I didn’t entirely grasp but I think the jist of it is mostly just to ask for clarification if unsure of some things. but after that we spoke about case questions I had, which ended up being really helpful on a lot of cases going forward, so I was glad we had that taken care of. the rest of the afternoon was chill, at some point I was looking at fb and saw that the family that lives in the apartment below me, the dad had posted that his wife was pregnant with their fourth child, and she had gone into labor this morning two months early, and they lost the baby 2 hours after she was born. Obviously this is such a shock and trauma, and the dad had been one of the first people to reach out after I lost my dad, and I really appreciated it, so I messaged him saying how sorry I was and offered to bring them a meal, so I’m going to make them some broccoli mac and cheese (apparently their kids really like broccoli for some reason) for Friday night. He was saying how hard it was to just even get through the day, and I said if I had learned anything over the past year, it’s that God is truly near to the brokenhearted, and that I would be praying for them and pass it along to my family to pray as well. He’s a religious studies of some sort professor at one of the catholic colleges up here, and we’re always liking each other’s facebook posts about religion, which is nice. after that though and when I was finished with work  I had to go over to the hospital/med center at 5:30 for two MRIs the neurologist wanted me to get (even though we’re fairly sure it’s not really a physical issue), but at 5 the monsta x airbnb thing went live for tickets but there was like 20 of them for who knows how many fans were trying to get them (like, probably in the thousands), and I refreshed the page as soon as hit 5, but when it loaded a second later it was already sold out, so I don’t even know what to make of that. Oh well. After that I ubered over to the med center and received instructions to get to the right place, which was nice that I didn’t end up getting horribly lost or anything lol. Everything was pretty straightforward, they had a list of things you have to check off, and I had to check off that I have a metal plate in my wrist after breaking that in two places and it needing to be repaired, so I listed that, but it was the only thing. Not long afterwards they brought me back to the actual machine, of course my legs were being super shaky and uncooperative trying to get on the thing and the tech was getting concerned haha and I felt bad but oh well. the procedure was fine, just chilled out and tried to stay still, which I was able to do for the most part. after that I was free to leave, so I ubered back home at like 6:20, with our first small group meeting starting at 6:45, I was concerned I was going to be late if the doctors took too long, so I was glad I made it on time. It was a pretty good session, lots of laughs which was nice but also some very deep talk, going in I wasn’t totally sure if I would like it, but I actually do really like it so I’m excited to continue with that. the group is actually called “Swipe right for Jesus” which I really just think is too funny lol. after the group ended, I watched last week’s episode of Chicago Fire that I had missed as they didn’t have a new episode today, then watched the season premiere of The Resident, which was very enjoyable. once that was done I just switched over to the news for a bit and then Jimmy Kimmel, and decided to turn it off around 11 and start getting ready for bed, and now it’s of course just past 1:30 am because time doesn’t actually exist, but I do really need to get to sleep now, so I’m going to do that. Goodnight my friends. Hope your week is treating you well.

[thoughtsfeelingsjustblah]

7/28/17

I haven’t been blogging so much lately. obviously. I don’t know what changed. For the longest time I was blogging nearly daily. I kinda just lost interest and haven’t felt like it or had time.

I have been more busy since Sierra came home. That could be part of it. 

We’ve had a fairly busy Summer. It’s been great. Last Summer was hell.... I was so sick... Bleeding, blood transfusions, pulmonary embolism, heart attack......pure hell. I was too sick to enjoy the Summer. Everyone stayed super stressed. Poor Sierra didn’t have the best Summer, we hardly went anywhere and it was just stressful. 

This Summer has been different. I’m not sick like I was. I mean, I still have my bad days when I don’t feel like getting out of bed, but not nearly as often. Just once in a while.

We’ve been able to go to parks, watch movies, go to the pool, swim at the lake, picnics, camping. She got to have her first slumber party on her birthday. They had so much fun. Loud fun, but still, fun. lol It didn’t bother me. Could tell it bothered Mark a bit....lol But he dealt with it for her sake. I liked it, brought back memories of my childhood. Well, age 12 an up. I wasn’t allowed to stay anywhere or have overnight guests when I was younger. When I had slumber parties (didn’t have many, but loved the ones I had) we would always get so loud and irritate my Dad. lol Dads just don’t get it. :)

It was the best feeling yesterday.... We had family counseling, and the counselor asked the 3 of us to rate how well things are going at home. 1 is horrible, and 10 is the best it could possibly be. Sierra quickly and cheerfully said “10!”. We agree, it has been 10. Everything has been going awesome. But, I didn’t expect her to answer 10 so quickly. That made me feel great, to know that she is really happy. I’ve worried that she wouldn’t be happy, because we can’t afford the things her Grandmother did when she stayed with her a few months. We try to make the best of what little we have. We’ve tried so hard to make her happy. That’s all we want, for her to be happy, well adjusted and to do well in life.

Family counseling has went well. I believe this one was session #4. It was every 2 weeks, and last session before this one the counselor said since things are going so well we can make it every 3 weeks instead of 2. 

The counselor advised that we could mention that we are having family counseling when we go back to court. We go back August 16th to finalize the custody order. It was supposed to happen this month. But, when we went to court the guardian ad litem requested that we continue it, because it was a different judge. He wants to be seen by the judge who is familiar with the case. Makes since I suppose. 

From what I understand, they are wanting to keep it the same.. Sierra at home, weekly visitations supervised by Nathan. The only change we are going to talk to our attorney about is guardianship....We want me to be listed as a guardian so I can deal with the school, doctors, etc.. I thought I would be nice, and ask her biological mother about it, see how she felt about it.....in hopes that she wouldn’t object to it.....and she read it and ignored me. We have been in contact, regarding visitations, and have kept things civil (you have NO idea how difficult that’s been for me) - so, I didn’t expect that. I don’t see why she would object to that. It’s just listing me as a guardian for legal purposes. Still talking to the attorney about it. ‘

I know a lot of my last blogs were about the garden. The garden turned out pretty good. Tons of tomatoes!! lol I love tomatoes, though. Have a couple tiny watermelons starting. The cucumbers seem to have died out early, they were good while they lasted, though. 

We have one more camping trip planned. Jeanette invited us, she’s having a birthday camping trip at a campground. Mark, Sierra and I are going to get a spot near them. $12/night isnt bad for a campground around here, but I hate paying to camp. The lake water is really murky there, but people still swim in it. Should be fun, I hope lol

I’ve felt fairly stable on my meds, after a low dose of Prozac was added. I felt a little off for the last couple days, worried I was about to fall into a depression. But I think i’m ok. I just felt crappy. Though I feel mostly stable, mood-wise, I don’t feel like I can stay on track with things. I thought that would change, but i’m still distractable, out of focus, and lose interest in tasks. I wonder if that will ever end?