#she also hates that she loves death. the thing that took nicky from her

[shadowharkness]

bordering on headcanon territory here but a thought i had recently:

agatha's attracted to power sure, but control is a huge thing for her too. after all, in her younger years her own mother tried to have her killed for a perceived lack of control over her own desire for knowledge and her whole power-succubus-siphoning thing. so it's only natural that someone nicknamed 'the witch-killer' would have a complex relationship with the idea of control.

which is why her relationship with rio is so frustrating and all the more tragic. agatha likes things she can have control over. take wanda for example. despite being imbued with literal chaos magic...she was in control (to an extent). she wasn't a direct threat to agatha. in fact, agatha found her intriguing (gay), not threatening. agatha wanted her magic. wanted her power. wanda, despite being inherently more powerful, was still something agatha could control. whether it was through the memory sequence when she's bound, or even in the final episode of wandavision where wanda chooses to leave agatha as 'agnes', there was still an element of control.

her relationship with rio gets infinitely more complex. you cannot control death. rio, like the scarlet witch transcends humanity, but unlike the scarlet witch, rio cannot submit to agatha. will not submit to her. not when her duty is something she's cosmically bound to.

which is why agatha was all the more interested in rio. the idea of death being at her beck and call? to be able to have control over the one constant in every universe? that's something agatha harkness could do with. it was a double-edged sword. by getting into bed with death, agatha doomed herself to the loss of control. ultimately, rio would prevail over agatha no matter what happened. even if Nicky didn't exist, whenever agatha died she would have to return to rio. regardless of how their twisted relationship went, agatha would always belong to rio.

agatha hates that she can't control rio. agatha hates that gnarled part of her that still loves rio despite it all.

[agatharkn3ss]

Nicky's Rio son too.

I feel there were so many lines that imply this and the finale is starting to make more sense - especially because the dandelion in the trial!

Jen explains that Green Craft™ is about the cycle of all living things - growth and decay in constant flow. So it's not just about dying but being born too.

So it would track that Rio's love for Agatha was so strong that it actually created life - Nicky. However, there would be consequences to this because proper balance had to be maintained somehow. Rio probably even warned Agatha about it, but Agatha always believes she is above the rules so in her head she probably thought she had every right to Nicky (maybe even her "prize" that she alludes to in their final confrontation). This would really add to Rio's hurt - Nicky was her son too. She thought she was giving Agatha a gift of life, but instead Agatha sees her as this cruel "evil" that "gave her nothing". To her Rio is the one who just "took."

It feels like it is also implied by Rio at the start of the episode when she says "This walk with another woman's son on a road that doesn't...". She could be referring to Nicky being her son.

But I think Agatha finally accepts her truth during the final trial when she sees the dandelion seed in her cameo. She even says "Out of Death - life" as she grows it because she finally understands the literal implications of that phrase.

That Dandelion is representation of Nicky. And sure enough, as soon as the flower grows and blossoms, it quickly enters the final stage - when it turns into the seeds that can be scattered by the wind again and continue the cycle of life. Because guess what, "dandelions produce seeds asexually by apomixis, where the seeds are produced without pollination, resulting in offspring that are genetically identical to the parent plant".

When Nicky is born, we could probably assume it was indeed asexual reproduction - Agatha says she didn't use a spell or incantation, but instead he was made from scratch (obviously a clever nod to his name). On one hand it could be read like Agatha is astonished how something this magical could happen without actually using any witchcraft. However, this also feels like a suggestion that maybe she is just amazed at how he could possibly exist. Kathryn Hahn in her recent interview alluded to how the witches didn't need men, babies were just born. So it was Rio's "dandelion seed" that made it happen.

It is the second characteristic of dandelion species is what seals the deal for me - "the offspring being genetically identical to the parent plant". Nicky as the offspring of Death needs bodies to survive in this realm. During his birth Rio says she can offer only time, because she can maintain the balance, as long as Nicky gets his bodies.

That's why she hates Rio and calls her evil - not because of Rio herself, but because of what her "genetics" did to Nicky. Agatha would rather have people believe that she is this evil witch killer that traded her child for the Darkhold, than anyone to know the awful truth that it was Nicky who was the cause of the killings.

In the flashbacks, there are those remarks about how they haven't "eaten for days" and that whenever Nicky was poorly he said he was hungry. Agatha said she couldn't create the food for him (and protect him from what's coming). She could've cooked that goat they had with them if they were really that hungry (btw, I still believe that goat is Senor Scratchy), but that wasn't the "food" that Nicky meant.

And just like Billy, Rio couldn't just take Nicky. He had to "turn himself in". It was his choice not to kill any more witches. On the day Nicky dies, he says "My mother needs me home". I think he is talking about Rio here, since he usually calls Agatha "Mama". This is the moment the decides for himself and goes home to Death.

I feel like this opens the possibility that we will indeed see Nicholas Scratch in the future (and have a role similar to the one in the comics). That maybe even he might not have "died" because he is an offspring of death, so he just exists in some Underworld realm, where he no longer needs bodies to survive. Maybe Agatha might have hoped that by killing more and more witches, she will bring Nicky back to life/this realm?

And the Ballad really was a protection spell she made for him too?

This would also be a more plausible explanation why Agatha went to kiss Rio when Billy asked "Is this how Nicky died?". I feel this was more of an apology to Rio for hating her for Nicky's treatment, because she finally understood why she had to do it?

[devondeal]

Agatha and Rio zodiac signs aka hear me out about Rio’s sign essay

So Agatha is clearly a water sign, most likely Scorpio. She is extremely smart, vindictive, and internalizes like no other.

She also cares so deeply that it probably even scares her sometimes. A big Scorpio thing is being afraid of being vulnerable because they know deeply they feel. Probably why she reacted so intensely toward Rio about Nicky. In her mind, she had opened herself to love and that same love took away her baby. Plus she is so a scorpion and is very much like the scorpion and the swan with her little Road deception.

I know Rio being Lady Death technically has no birthday but this is for FUN so aint no one be a wet blanket here please.

This is going to surprise people and it is definitely out of my bias of being this sign but I believe Rio is a Libra.

HEAR ME OUT

Libra’s symbol is a scale. It is the only zodiac sign that is not represented by a living thing. Rio is above all living things and like Libra the scale, is all about balance. It is also an air sign which again given her mysterious and spiritual nature makes sense.

She is bothered by things like ghosts and Billy reincarnating into a dead body because it opposes the natural balance.

Now onto personality stuff, Libra’s are known for being aloof but charismatic. Very much how Rio presents herself. She is also quite gentle and soft in her own special way and knows how to make the people she loves feel cared for (the flowers for Agarha, defending her against her mother and the coven turning against her, being sweet with Nicky when it was his time holding his hand).

However the aloofness and need for balance can can work against her relationships like having to take Nicky, telling Agatha Billy isnt her son because it was the right thing even though it meant not getting to be with her love.

Libra is also a sign that is known for romance and needs partnership to be balanced within themselves. Rio is extremely romantic with the gift giving and physical touch love languages (she touches Agatha A LOT).

And she is one needy little Death Lady. Her desperate need to be with Agatha again is very obvious and she doesnt even try to hide it. So much so, she went against her usual balance and let Agatha have time with Nicky. She is so deeply in love with Agatha and do anything for her but also because she loves Nicky she had to take him when she did as he was sickly and suffering.

Perhaps she could have let him live so Agatha wouldn’t hate her but because she is selfless and couldn’t let him suffer she did the right thing (plus he clearly wanted to go and was tired of being sick).

The Rio we see in the current time having been apart from Agatha for centuries and knowing she is hated by the one she loves for something she didn’t have a choice doing has clearly changed her. Like a typical Libra she is completely unbalanced without her wife, her partner. And all her more negative Libra qualities come out.

Her aloofness, tendency for passive aggressiveness, the “weird girl” vibes in the group despite being her usual social Libra self and having no problem interacting with the coven all while knowing they’re doomed. Isolated from yet together with them. Like the Ballad says, “together and alone.”

And finally, Rio’s behavior when attacking Agatha in both the beginning and the end is the ultimate show of a Libra at the end of her rope. Rio is not one to lose control especially how she did in the final fight. She is Lady Death after all. But this comes after CENTURIES of being ignored, being demonized undeservedly. And what does a Libra hate more than anything? Injustice and this one is deeply personal. She did what was best for their son and got punished for it.

Yet she never stopped loving Agatha. She defended her against her mother, the coven, tried her best to reconcile with her and explain herself only to be told Agatha never wants to see her face again.

So she attacks explosively, theatrically, like never before. And yet she STILL loves Agatha and cries out her desperation of wanting to be loved back. “Why don’t you want me?” Even after Agatha called her evil. Still a Libra, needing to have her person, and forgiving when Agatha kisses her because that’s all she’s ever wanted.

Then after losing the love of her eternal life, she shuts down, returning to her skull form. Her deepest scar having been ripped open. A traumatized Libra will retreat into their aloof tendencies.

And all this long ass essay is my extremely biased reasoning for Rio being a Libra. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

[terapsina]

Ask Game: Agatha All Along:

Fandom: 1, 17

Ship: Agatha/Rio (Vidarkness): 7, 10

Character: Agatha OR Rio: 6, 7, or 8

(from this ask game)

Fandom:

1. ...the moment in the story that I started shipping my OTP from this world.

That whole scene where Rio blows in the door at just the most dramatic moment and the following throwdown fight made me pay attention. But this sentence? This sentence was a direct hit to alllllll my weaknesses.

It immediately gave me so much delicious information. Like, despite all that 'I want to see you burn... or hang... or drown' aggression? that this woman clearly was utterly gone for Agatha.

*be still, my beating heart 😍*

17. ...the world-building aspect of the story I have the greatest admiration for.

That SONG. I adore the way they used The Ballad of the Witches' Road in this show in so many ways. The way we kept getting different versions and the way they were so slightly and significantly different based on the purpose behind that particular version.

Like how the Sacred Chant version was all about the community of witches (and the way that hid the trap Agatha had used for centuries).

The way Lorna's version was full of a mother's unconditional love for her daughter and the lengths she'd go to for that love.

The way Nicky and Agatha's version was about their coven of two (and how even while Nicky was alive, the way Agatha had already kinda corrupted it even as her love for her son remained the one true thing about her).

Just. The way the song informed every aspect of the story... it's frankly incredibly impressive.

Ship:

7. ...the scene that I like to point to as proof that they're perfect for each other.

I could probably choose literally ANY of their scenes to make that particular point but I really like this one.

Like. Agatha has been angry and avoiding Rio for centuries. Rio has recently made it clear she wants Agatha dead (though admittedly knowing her nature this is basically at least 70% her wanting Agatha back).

But despite that, as soon as they know they have to do this particular ritual both of them know THEY are going to be the ones exchanging the brooms. They don't need to talk about it, or discuss it, or consider it, it's just... instinctual.

They are just always on the same wavelengths and it's both beautiful and really tragic.

10. ...rate the level of stupid they reach in their pining.

I mean... *murder threats* followed by...

*Agatha trying to claw Rio's face off* followed by...

*Rio painfully reminded Agatha she's never going to get her son back, a day ago* followed by...

*Rio saying she HATES ghosts* followed by...

(obviously not... no, she took a calculated risk on being able to continue irritating Rio for the next eternity).

Also just... we have one case of a dum-dum who fell in love with the literal embodiment of death. And another case of a literal embodiment of death who turned full dum-dum because she met a very pretty witch.

They're SUCH dumb. I love these pining idiots SO MUCH.

Character:

6. ...the scene that I think shows just how awesome they really are.

(I'll answer this one for Rio)

This is really boring of me maybe, but like.... how do you top a badass show-stopping moment like THAT?

Rio Vidal. Full Lady Death, everyone! *cheers and applause* *CHEERS AND APPLAUSE*

7. ...the scene that I think adds depth to their character or the relationship this character has with someone.

(...and this one for Agatha)

This scene just... shows that Billy doesn't just remind Agatha of her son... he reminds her of herself.

At the end of the day Agatha is a survivor, and so is Billy. And that both connects and differentiate them. And I just find that very interesting.

8. ...a headcanon I have about this character.

(...and Rio again)

Rio absolutely lied about being pulled onto the Road by their summoning spell. She's Death, she could have shaken that thing off with the flick of a pinky but was she really going to waste an opportunity that good?

[isagrimorie]

What do you think about the people saying that it's a disservice to Agatha, a female gay character, being killed on her own show to prop up a man and set up his show

I can see how the optics looks but also I guess my point of view is different.

A thing that helps me is that I knew before hand that in the comics, Agatha was a ghost. It didn’t slow comics!Agatha one bit becoming a ghost. Eventually she was able to get her own body back.

Before that there was several dances of Agatha dying and then reviving but it’s almost never explained how she lived.

Honestly, I feel like I should have known this was coming since being a ghost was a big part of Agatha’s arc.

This just has the added bonus of pissing Rio off.

She loves Rio but when Agatha said she would hate Rio if she took Nicky… Agatha is a woman of her word.

And for near immortals, Agatha can both love and hate for a long, long time.

Also, honestly, if Agatha really wanted Rio to leave her alone, Agatha would have sincerely honored her bargain with Rio. Instead, by becoming a ghost Agatha ensured that some part of Rio will be searching and chasing after Agatha.

But also— I just… can’t reduce that whole thing to just sacrificing for a boy when episode 9 took a long time establishing why Agatha felt such a bond with Billy.

This is all tied up with her love for Nicky.

Agatha’s other wound that never healed. I get the whole thing about propping a boy (not a man since Billy is a teenager) but also, after the whole backstory— its clear now that Agatha All Along was about the creation of a long con, about Agatha’s tumultuous relationship with Death (big and little ‘d’). And, parenthood.

Lorna Wu and Alice Wu Gulliver and the world wide protection spell. She was able to do what Agatha couldn’t do for Nicky.

And then Agatha took Alice’s life.

Billy is the Kaplans’ son, but also at this point, for Agatha Billy is who she wanted Nicky to become.

I do understand why it’s disappointing but personally, I don’t find it disappointing because I don’t see Agatha as a prop to Billy’s story.

I see Billy as a stepping stone for Agatha to finally move forward and heal.

Nicky was a stop gap, Rio is… unable to say ‘no’ to Agatha’s whimsical requests.

After Nicky died Agatha became a walking, talking gaping wound. A blackhole of want. She is trying to fill that up with her insatiable need for power.

She cut herself off from Rio when she acquired the Darkhold.

Billy seems to be a step for Agatha to stem the tide and move on from being the Three of Swords.

[fleabagreact]

agatha's pride is greater than anything she still feels for rio. it was years, years of mourning, pain and suffering due to the death of her son. she doesn't seek to understand rio. i can imagine how much rio tried to explain that it was her job, all so that agatha could hear her for the first time in front of a bunch of strangers. i can imagine rio's pain in explaining and still having to hear harsh words from the person she loves most in the world. rio knows agatha, she knows that she talks to hurt and not to make sense. agatha wants to win, it doesn't matter if it's a real competition.

agatha doesn't like being vulnerable, her birth is alone, nicky's upbringing is also lonely. she lives in this shell. she stole the power of other witches and became addicted to the sensation, which numbs his lack. rio forces her to be vulnerable. to trust. i like the idea that nicky is an extension of rio, and he is inevitably completely hers. look at their interaction, the way she says his name.

and yet, rio respects her. even knowing, even wanting to talk, she lets agatha use her the way she wants and also wears her shell. green to match agatha's purple. she respects agatha's wish, lets her become a ghost. she could do it differently but she wants agatha to go back to being the woman who called her "my love", she knows that there is desire, love inside agatha. and agatha knows that she loves her and desires her.

but keeping this always has a price and it manifests itself through hate. agatha is angry with rio because she took her son even with several pieces of evidence that it was not her fault and it was inevitable. rio is angry with agatha because agatha uses her, hides from her, and doesn't understand her. It was her job after all and she gave her what she wanted, right, time... so why even with everything corroborating for them to be together, agatha still doesn't want her completely? One thing is to know, to feel, another is to hear. and she needs to hear.

i blame evanora for treating her daughter like a monster instead of embracing her like a normal mother would.

[mswyrr]

implications of our lesbian death and the maiden romance

1-agatha, as the specific mortal rio loves, becomes symbolic of rio's relationship to mortals overall. it's not personal, i'm not trying to hurt you, i'm not a monster, i'm just the natural cycle… she tries to be gentle, she is the source of the whole decay/life cycle that makes all the GOOD things--the happy years, the loving moments--possible. but agatha hates her anyway. can't help hating her.

like so many mothers throughout time have hated rio, even though she took their babies as gently as she could. there's no way to do it gentle enough; the sacred balance is experienced by humans as horror and destruction. joy might be worth the price of loss but it doesn't make the loss any less devastating. even really enlightened mortals who are at peace with their own mortality struggle with loss of loved ones. in that sense, though it's a romance between outsiders, rare individuals finding each other, agatha also represents all the mortals who despise rio despite receiving gifts from her.

2-agatha is Death's only personal experience of losing a loved one. her only scar. the only time she's tasted the bitterness, the soul-crushing pain of loving someone and being parted from them as the time goes on and on. she knows what it's like to be us, just this once, through this experience of love. she finally knows how high the price actually is for maintaining the sacred balance.

3-if agatha is a broken persephone, despised by her mother demeter and rejected by the triple goddess of life, then it makes sense she sought out the power and peace of the embrace of the goddess of decay/death. but it only worked for them while their love was happy because agatha didn't love anyone else at that time. once agatha loves a mortal person her relationship to Death cannot be the same. once she loves a mortal child who can die, she becomes more like the rest of us and our relationship to Death, even though she remembers wholly loving and embracing Death, now she has to fear and hate her too.

the dynamic between mortals and death is inescapable in the end. and, once nicky comes, it is at war in agatha's heart with the "unnatural" dynamic she had once, of wholly embracing and making love with Death. she was only able to do that when she was a broken and rejected dark maiden -- once she becomes a mother, Death is her enemy. as she is the enemy of all good parents who give everything they have to make sure their children can live.

[kissorkill16]

Our Raven Princess: A Hello Neighbor Fanfic

By JJ

Summary: Someone found Trinity in Peterson's cell, someone you'd least expect.

Trinity cried herself to sleep as she laid on the cold, hard surface of Mr. Peterson's cell.

She lost her friends.

She lost Nicky.

She lost everything.

All this time, she was scared that "Lose this coin, lose your life" meant death. But as she cried, she came to the realization that that statement meant she would lose everything important to her.

Her friends, her parents trust, every single thing she knew and loved.

These thoughts made Trinity cry more.

She felt like she should've let her parents send her to boarding school.

She was startled awake when she felt a shadow looming over her.

She was scared to see who it was, but then she thought that maybe it was an officer coming to check on Mr. Peterson. And maybe when they saw he wasn't here, they'd let her out and she could go home.

Trinity slowly turned around, and her eyes widened.

A tall, cloaked and beaked figure stood over her.

She angrily stood up. "YOU!", she screamed. "What do you want? Haven't you and your freak friends done enough?!"

The figure didn't answer, it just stood there.

Trinity looked at the ground.

"You won.", she said. "You've taken everything from me. I have no friends, my parents hate me now, and Nicky is probably never coming back to me. And on top of all of that, I put all of my trust in a psychopath and made the stupid, dumbass mistake of letting him out of this hellhole. So what else do you want from me? How miserable do I have to be before you're all satisfied?"

The figure reached its hands from behind the cloak they wore, and slowly took off the hood, then the beak.

Trinity could barely believe it when she saw who it was.

Principal Abanate.

"Hello, Trinity.", she said.

Trinity pointed at her, "I knew it!", she said. "I knew you were one of them!"

The principal put her hand up, "Yes, yes, I'm one of them.", she said. "I have seen one of those coins. You were right to be suspicious of me, Ms. Bales."

"Uh huh.", said Trinity. "Why're you here? To kill me? My life is basically all I have left."

Then Principal Abanate took out something from her pocket. It was the keys to the cells.

"I'm here to let you out of here."

Trinity was surprised.

"I have a little opportunity for you, Ms. Bales.", said the principal. "Now that you have nothing, I want you to be a part of the Forest Protectors. You can rebuild everything you lost from the ground up."

Trinity shook her head, "I can't. My parents are sending me away and my friends don't trust me anymore. Don't give me false hope.", she said.

Principal Abanate reached her hand through the bars and gently stroked Trinity's hair.

"I'm the one who gave your parents the idea of sending you to boarding school in the first place, I can easily instantly take back that idea.", she said. "And don't worry about your friends, darling. If you say yes to my proposal, you'll give your friends a taste of abandonment."

Trinity's eyes widened.

"They abandoned you. That's what happened, wasn't it?", asked Principal Abanate. "They were all tired of listening to you after all of the hell you went through, so they all left you in your hour of need."

The little girl looked down at the ground.

"Join us, love. And you can finally get revenge on the people who abandoned you and made you feel like you were an outcast. Your friends, your parents, everyone."

As she spoke, Principal Abanate put the key in the hole and turned the key. She opened the door, and Trinity walked out, still looking at the ground.

Principal Abanate extended her hand to the little girl. "Take my hand, child.", she said.

Trinity just stared at the hand extended to her for a moment. She had made a deal like this with Mr. Peterson, and he ended up turning on her for taking what was left of his family, and that's how she ended up here.

So who's to say this deal wouldn't also bite her in the ass later?

But if she didn't take the deal, then Principal Abanate wouldn't convince her parents not to send her away.

She didn't want to go home, her parents would just send her away to boarding school, and then she'd never see any of her friends again.

She didn't want to hurt her friends again, and she didn't want to leave Raven Brooks, especially not in the hands of a bunch of beak freaks.

So reluctantly, she took her hand.

"Good girl.", said Principal Abanate, guiding her out of the prison. "With us, you're not Trinity Bales. You'll be our little raven princess."

[doubloons-21-blog]

“Scars” ~Agathario~ Drabble 💜💚

Pov Agatha

I was her scar. That's how she put it.

After all, she's here with me and she kept looking for me after... Nicky...

Should I give Rio credit for continuing to try to... Win me back? No, she's still the owner of my heart and she knows it.

I'm not surprised that Teen isn't who I wanted her to be, it was obvious that the boy lived another kind of reality and ambitions very different from those of my <dead> baby, yet I wanted to believe for a second that he was; Rio's and my child turns out to be another woman's.

I left her gift behind, once again I preferred to despise her advances and run... run to hide from her and everything she wanted to tell me, I know that her words will make me weak and the last thing I need in these circumstances is to fall into her hands again. I wouldn't be the same if I fell into her arms once more, because I don't want to stop clinging to the past.

I was about to give in and kiss her, but she stopped me. Why? Yes, I am what he wants, the woman he loves most of all that exists on the face of the Earth, I am his black wounded heart.

I left after he told me the truth, I still feel his touch on my skin, his heat that always burns me and takes my breath away; I want to touch her and kiss her <I WANT HER WITH ME NOW!> I love her, and that hurts me.

Everyone is already asleep, but she doesn't sleep.

Being alert, that's her job, seeing beyond the world and going after it to its decay, always picking up the pieces of others and taking them with her.

How I hated it... All the time she was part of them and she never touched any fragment for myself; I'm selfish and I can't stand others taking "something" from the creature I love.

She should rebuild me! Not destroy me! If she loves me so much then why does she do this to me!

The first time she gave me back hope when she made my mother and her stupid coven disappear. But she immediately took it all away from me when she took my little one away. And I hate her for that!

Why does she have to be Death!

Why can't she be just another mortal... Someone who isn't so hard to understand and appreciate!

My head and heart hurt from thinking and feeling so much.

Why do I have to suffer this hell?

All I wanted was to have them both without any kind of restriction or price. I tried so hard to move on and learn that not everything is bad, but I'm too stupid to believe that there is a happy ending to this shit.

There is no Eternal Love, nor a family.

I'm already falling asleep.

The silence is merely pleasant and the noise of my conscience has already quieted down.

But I know she's here, behind me; lurking.

I turn on my side from my lying position and there she is... Standing with the damn flower between her fingers making it spin.

...

—Can I lie down with you and hold you, my love? —she asks me with an innocent face.

I don't say anything and turn around again with my back to her.

After a few seconds I feel her arm around my waist and pull me closer to her body. She cups my head on her shoulder and inhales my hair, which makes me moan automatically.

I don't want her there, but not far away either. I love her, but I hate her.

I want to be “her everything,” and for this one night I will also hold her because that's what I want to do.

Hello!

This is the English version, but the Spanish version can be found on Wattpad:

[angelofverdum]

Agatha All along S01E08-09

What the hell? I've thousands of questions. Come back.

I have so many feelings about the finale. My mind went from "Jac Schaeffer, you're brilliant" to "What the hell, Jac?"

I loved Agatha and Niky's backstory. The way they created the ballad was one of the sweetest things Marvel has done. The fact that Agatha kept killing witches using the ballad was amazing because in a way she was still scheming with her son.

I was expecting the road to not be real, but not that Agatha was the writer of that ballad. Where is her Grammy for songwriter of the year?

Also obsessed with the idea that part of Agatha's power is being annoying. She upsets these witches to the point the want to kill her.

The way she looked for the door every time knowing damn well there was no door cracked me up.

Jen was my favorite witch from the coven, besides Agatha obviously, so I'm so happy she made it out alive and well. She should be in Agatha all along season 2 doing magic together.

I love Agatha as a character so much. How can they do her so dirty? There are two problems with the finale: Billy and Rio.

My problem with Rio, as a character, is that you give me all these implications of a complicated backstory with Agatha, for what? Hey, I wasn't expecting much tbh because it's not that kind of show but they could at least give us something.

How Agatha and Death were lovers? Rio is literally death. How did they cross paths? How do you start dating death? I didn't want a whole season about it but damn.

When Agatha was giving birth Rio gave him more time with her son. She didn't show up once. Rio gave Agatha six more years with her son. So, they were lovers before giving birth then Rio took Nicky and they didn't see each other until now? Then why is Agatha so mad at Rio?

The first part of the season made it seem like Rio did the most awful things to Agatha. Tell me how your kid dying of a natural cause is worse than sacrificing him for the darkhold?

Also, the big thing about being "THE green Witch". Yes, I know Jen explained briefly about the meaning but it was so whatever. And what do you mean Agatha was literally fighting death? Rio shouldn't be able to kill anyone.

Now Billy made me sigh.

My problem with Billy is why the fuck would you make a show with a female lead about a man? You kill the show's female lead to create a story for a man, and then she becomes the sidekick. That's insanity.

I'm fine with them using the show to introduce Billy bc Agatha is part of Wanda's world but damn. Everything was him? Was it Billy All along?

Then she dies to save him and becomes a ghost somehow because those are details that we don't need to know, apparently. Fucking Billy then tries to banish her because why? Because she outsmarted him? She knew the road wasn't real? She killed Alice? Like fuck you Billy and your fuckass brother too.

And I hated that ghostly effect. It looked so cartoonish. Couldn't she look like herself without that effect? the wig was fine HaghAtha is sexy too.

And Jac saying that they planned to turn her into a ghost all this time is crazy to me. She has everything planned and she decided to give Billy a whole-ass episode instead of a glimpse of Agatha and Rio meeting each other.

If you read Jac Schaeffer's interviews about the show you can see she has so many good ideas. So, what happened baby? Was it Kevin Feige?

Anyway, I wish all these made-up shows didn't matter to me that much and I could consume media like a normal person.

[i-believe-in-melinda-may]

Okay, after watching 1x08 and 1x09 for the second time I think I'm... indifferent.

There is just so much left unanswered/doesn't make sense. I'll try to explain a little better:

Why did Jen hate Agatha? what was their history?

Was Rio there in 1x01?

Agatha said that Billy didn't break the spell in 1x01... so it was Rio right.? that being a little more clear would have been good.

Billy just felt so inconsistent. Like he keeps going back and forth. Like we didn't even get a conclusion as to if he is Billy or William, It does seem in retrospect that it was HIS SHOW, which as you know i HATE.

Rio called him Nicky, implying she knew him, but then they made it seem like she didn't. But then when She 'took' Nicky he didn't seem scared, didn't seem like she was a stranger, and he listed when Rio told him to kiss Agatha. (also i think he had brown eyes... just saying)

Where does Agatha getting the Darkhold fit in all this?

The kiss was amazing, and i believe that they were able to kiss before but that was just Agatha trying to take Rio's powers what killed her, but that brings me to my next point:

"You can't kill me," "you can't kill me, it's not allowed"--- WHAT CHANGED BETWEEN 1X01 AND 1X08. I know they don't have to explicitly spell everything out, but a few more details would be nice.

It makes no sense that Rio wasn't there when Agatha was killing the witches. Was it just a side effect of Aubrey's schedule? because that feels wrong

"Use your Purple," "let me get my purple back<"- Again Agatha is using something between her and Nicky that Rio seems to understand- SO WHAT HAPPENED IN THOSE 6 YEARS.

Like i am choosing to believe he knew her as Rio, but not Death.

In 1750 she called Rio, MY LOVE, so what happened before then??

It does hurt like hell that we got the kiss then Agatha died, BUT because she was immediately brought back as a ghost, i am choosing to believe that we will get her back completely. I never expected a happy ending for Agatha, so i am not surprised... still a little hurt.

We know from Rio's actions and words in 1x08 that she clearly loves Agatha completely, but we just DONT KNOW, how much Agatha loves her beneath the anger.

"I watch you closely like you watch everyone else,"- Okay great line i love it, but then in 1x01 she says Agatha hid from her... so which is it?

So, is 'the truth so awful' that Agatha used the song her song created to kill witches?? feels like it's a bit of a let down for Agatha's character.

We see that she has trust issues she tells Nicky "They ill kill us" which makes sense considering her mother, but AGAIN, that should have been explored more.

We got snipets of Agathario, and it had the potential to be so much more, but they just didn't show us the whole story. It's like they were scared to.

I want to hope we get more, a prequal about Agathario or just more of them together.... but i don't know to hope.

Rio was soft in 1x04, 1x05, even 1x01, but then in 1x08 she went straight chaotic, and i think i needed to see more of her to understand that duel side of her. Also, she was crying when looking at Agatha's body, but then nothing more??? And like she looked devastated when Agatha said she doesn't want to see her.

Does Rio know Agatha is a ghost? I think we should have seen at least one more scene of her in 1x09 to understand what was going on with her a little more.

Basically episode 4 is still my favorite, and this should have had, even just 1 more episode, to explain things a little more.

[vchroniclesin2022]

Thank you for your answers!

So many people enjoy Sam's Lestat and who can blame them, Sam is amazing and we are starving.

Nonetheless, I can't see book!lestat in AMC!lestat. And I'm deeply sad about it, because I deeply love book Lestat, and I have been loving him for 15+ years. He's that important to me, yes.

I'm sincere, book!Louis and AMC!Louis are clearly deeply different and nonetheless I see book!Louis in AMC!Louis without any problems.

So I've decided to write a list of the ways AMC!Lestat is very very very OOC.

Of course, if you like AMC! Lestat more power to you! I'm sincerely happy you are enjoying the show! I'm just whining about things I personally didn't like.

Lestat beating Louis up. It has never happened, and as matter of fact it's a plot point. Lestat acknowledges he's a monster but not that kind of monster. And for who picks some passages of the books: a shove is not nice but it's not a freefall from the sky after a savage beating.

Lestat menacing, hurting, scaring Claudia. Lestat hating and wanting to kill Claudia. This is where the show 100% lost me. Claudia is Lestat's princess, his darling daughter, he loves and adores her. He never tried to hurt her, and he sure as hell never wanted her dead. Even after she tried to kill him and almost managed to do it. Lestat loves Claudia even after her death, and hallucinates her several times. Also, him and Louis mourning for their lost daughter is very important for Loustat.

Lestat is sensitive, artistic, romantic, charismatic, capable of great tenderness, impulsive. AMC!Lestat is overbearing and weird instead of charismatic, shouts very often and his moments of tenderness are few. Reading Lestat screaming "Putain de merde" in fics has me reacting with "He would not say that"!

Lestat was abused by his family, but he managed to break the circle. He never repeated what was done to him. As matter of fact, he mourned his family and dreamed of turning his brothers, their wives, their sons. He took care of his father and at the very end he could not kill him, not even for mercy. What a difference from AMC!Lestat, who mistreats Claudia like he was mistreated.

His whole cheating affair with Antoinette. Yes, book!Lestat had Antoine, but just at the end, after decades of living together with Louis. A Louis who at times showed his desire for Lestat and at times negated their relationship. When Louis and Lestat start a proper relationship in Prince Lestat trilogy, Lestat doesn't have eyes for anyone else. In this context, where they are practically married, Lestat having a sidepiece doesn't make any sense.

The whole thing of running away with Louis and Antoinette after killing Claudia. WTF. Book!Lestat is horrified by the sheer stupidity , and book!Lestat has pretty stupid moments.

Book!Lestat has moments of deep vulnerability, of tenderness, of reflection. See: the discussions with Nicki, his melancholy, the loving description of Louis, the cry at Marius to please don't send him away, his femininity. AMC!Lestat resembles a caricature, almost always shouting, being vulgar, boisterous.

I could go on but you catched the idea.

In short, I feel robbed by one of my most ancient and beloved blorbos, and I feel very sad about it.

[darkplaceblankface]

Hi darkplaceblankface I hope you're well! I loved your old novel on AO3 and was sad to see it go! Why did you decide to remove it and redo the series?😊

Thank you for asking! There were a few reasons:

I will primarily say it's because I wanted to change the path I was on.

ILE was started when I was in an extremely dark place in my life. I was facing health issues, isolation, etc. It informed how much I wrote. I could knock out about 20k words in one night. I got a lot out of the validation-kudos and comments on Ao3. I know and have learned not to expect guaranteed interaction. However, I was fraying at the seams, refreshing and refreshing my email, for the bits of serotonin I could get from responding to comments. Writing took over my life, it affected my work, my mental health, but I had no other outlet.

To that, Indie, Whisperer, Nicky became worse and more tragic characters over time. I actually have several ideas regarding an ending for the story, but I was writing myself into a corner. There seemed to be no way to have a good ending. I wanted a hard reset but felt we were in too deep. 

When I took down ILE in March during the middle of the Blitzkrieg, (sorry) I was focused on getting a new job and moving to a new apartment while also balancing that 5+ POV rollercoaster we were on. Not to mention, at that time, I had no beta reader and was solely doing all the writing, editing, and planning for the story. The subplots, arcs, and motifs took up all of my thoughts. It was too much.

The final straw was when I'd done hours of research on tornadoes while also juggling the changing factors in my life. I'd felt guilty for not uploading as fast as usual, but then it was dead silence on the other end when I posted 56. 56 had:

-Lee and her dad in Hell meeting Elena in Hell,

-end of IndievAya battle where she knocks Lee into Indie and says the funniest thing

-Braxon death & Braxon's POV about Indie and Nicky's relationship

-Max's backstory and why he hates Lee/was recruited by Aya

-Aya's kinda... real power reveal

- Mark's boyfriend reveal

-The beginning of IndievLee KFC breakup -> how Martha and Josie got their First Class designation-> how Alisha got kicked out of Indie's battalion

What was also written and never posted: Kay vs. Charlotte and Nate, Elijah vs. Etril, Josie and Lana vs. Max and Kate, and more I won't spoil.

KvC&N was extreme, and I asked myself, "What are we doing, bro?"

A snippet:

Kay is suddenly at Nate's side, whispering in his ear. "You know... sometimes, he asks for you."

Charlotte whips a solid sheet of light toward her but Kay sends an even brighter ball of golden fire, sizzling it away.

Then she's ahead of them, grinning with fangs, tongue sticking out.

"The faces he makes. God, he's so good at making me believe he wants it. I wonder what it means. Is it because he's a slut? Why are you even trying? He belongs to me."

Focus turns to blind and red.

"He's very sensitive. Right here," Kay comments casually, tapping a finger at Charlotte's backside as she cuts across their view, zooming backward for a moment to create distance between them. "He remembers how you taste. Thighs like two ripe pears. Cheeky babe, Charlotte. You're a peach."

Anyways....

I had just received a new job offer, my dream apartment was almost set up, and I was going to see friends I hadn't seen in years. I should have been happy. But I was spiraling. I had to detach, or I wouldn't be able to focus on my real life.

I'm in a better place and want to make a more morally grey Indie. She was too evil, y'all. I also want more rebel presence and more South China Sea conflict. ILE was also hella long and needed to split up. It's become something of a whumpy epic/saga thing, that I'm open to other people writing stuff for. I have an excellent beta reader now, but we both work and might want to outsource a bit especially during Whumptober. I'm definitely comfortable sharing more of ILF, the new version, because of the tone-down we've done. Let me know which parts you guys really like/miss, and I will take feedback. I'm on the fence about keeping "the hunger in their eyes" and the "zugzwang" stories as intense as they were.

[g7tz]

Redraw of my old ass Creepypasta OC (my first real OC, my Sonic OC doesn't count):

Rushed sketch, nothing makes sense. Also, long post incoming.

I'm not the one for cringe culture, I feel like it's dumb, the same with Mary Sues/Gary Sues. I believe any OC is good, not perfect, but good. It's a good start. Anyways, let me dump info about her!:

When I first joined the fandom I was already in the Undertale fandom, I began to get into the AU aspects of the Undertale fandom as well (this is important). I vividly remember giving her powers like Storyshift Chara has. I also watched 'I Eat Pasta for Breakfast' and I took a heavy inspo from Lazari and Stripes when making her story.

I also for some reason took inspiration from Hamilton??? Little me liked Hamilton (I'm not hating on the musical, I was just strangely into this kind of stuff). She was an 'UwU sofite' (not ironically) and everyone loved her because she was a child!

I totally did not use to take Quotev quizzes like "which creepypasta would be your brother/sister" and make the results and make them 'canon' for my OC. She was Jeff and Liu's little sister. Why? I don't know.

I named her 'Nickie'. I actually used to redesign her, change her story, and change personal things (age, gender, date of birth, etc.) about her as I grew older and started to figure out what I was doing.

She looked similar to Jeff, actually. However, I began to slowly make her recognizable as her own character. This is when I started playing with colors and tried out different color palettes. I was proud of myself, actually.

So yeah, what I am saying is: she was definitely not the best OC or Character concept I have created/thought of, but she played a role in helping me teach myself how to make a decent character. I may re-vamp her. For example, I may make her a soul trapped in a video game console for all the sins she has committed (this is a joke, sorta).

Or maybe she's a lost soul that guides children to the afterlife/their death? Who knows...?

I had a Gacha phase when I made her, if I had access to all of my old arts and Gacha screenshots of her, I would've posted them.

Anyways, I have to cut this short. It's pretty late for me. Goodnight (or good morning or good evening.)

[paradisetemporarilymisplaced]

So I was being a basic bitch the other day and listening to my true crime podcasts when it occurred to me just how suspicious Nile’s “death” would look to everyone not in the Guard, leading me to a train of thought that, 2200 words later, absolutely got away from me but I can’t let go so I’m inflicting it on all of you!

To set the stage, we know the movie takes place over approximately a week. Here’s what happens to Nile from the military’s point of view:

She dies is very seriously injured

She heals without a scratch

Just before she’s supposed to be shipped out to Germany, she vanishes, leaving two men concussed (and presumably reporting being knocked out by a woman with short hair wearing civilian clothes)

She goes AWOL for several days

They get word from the CIA that she is to be reported killed in action (details unclear)

So, at the beginning of this very weird week, the USMC has to tell Nile’s family of her death critical injury. What her family was told depends on how long she was dead – a Google search tells me that family will be notified in person within 8 hours of a soldier’s death, but we don’t know how long her first death lasted. For an injury, however, they’d get a phone call to notify them and the unit would arrange for them to visit as soon as the soldier is transferred out of a combat zone. Like I remember when I was in high school, a guy from my church who was a Marine was really seriously injured in a helicopter crash in Iraq and from what I could tell, his parents were told immediately and were flown out to Germany to see him, so it stands to reason that Nile’s family would have been informed relatively quickly after her throat was slashed, one way or another.

And then, she goes AWOL. Her family would be notified while the USMC tried to figure out where she went, not least because the military would want to know if she’s contacted them. (And it’s possible that her family may have been on the way to Germany to see her since we know that’s where she was supposed to go!) So for several days:

Nile’s mom and brother have no idea where she is

They know she was seriously injured and most certainly should not have been moving around on her own

They can’t get a hold of her

The military can’t tell them anything

And the next thing they know for sure is that she was “killed in action.” After being injured and vanishing into thin air. And they presumably cannot produce her body or any concrete evidence of her death. In any case, something sketchy is going on, so they’re like. SMELLS LIKE A MILITARY COVERUP.

In a surprise to probably no one, there is a well-documented legacy of mysterious US military deaths, particularly of women of color (TW for sexual assault in these links). The cases of LaVena Johnson and Vanessa Guillenin particular have made national news because of their families’ persistence in seeking justice. Likewise, Nile is a Black woman, and her mom and brother are most certainly hypercognizant of (a) state violence against Black people and (b) these high-profile cases of suspicious military deaths. So her family are seriously side-eyeing the situation, knowing that (a) the military has a serious incentive (and a documented history) of covering up things that make them look bad and (b) nothing about Nile’s disappearance and supposed death are adding up.

And Andy’s right. Nile does come from warriors. And you know who else does? Her brother.

Don’t get me wrong. Nile’s mom would absolutely not back down. She’d know something was up and want to get to the bottom of it. But based on what I know about Gen X parents (mine), they’re not the most technologically savvy. Like they can use the internet, but they didn’t grow up with it the way we young millennials and Gen Z did. So Nile’s brother takes the lead. And what do zillennials do best?

Social media.

Nile’s brother starts going hard on any site he can, trying to get the word out to see if anyone knows what happened to his sister. He starts a Reddit thread. He starts a Facebook group. He reaches out to the media and true crime bloggers and podcasters à la Sarah Turney, getting loud and being a general nuisance in hopes of getting some answers. He gets his friends and Nile’s friends involved. Maybe eventually Dizzy, Jay, and others from Nile’s unit hear about it and reach out, telling him what they saw and how weird it all was. He’s drumming up interest, and soon “Nile Freeman” becomes a household name (at least among the true crime fans).

Copley is, of course, trying his best, but at this point there is just so much that it’s impossible for him to scrub everything. Sure, he can erase new footage of Nile and the Guard, but what can he do about Reddit threads and podcast episodes that are speculating something weird has happened? Maybe he could hack the sites and shut those things down, but honestly, that’s the last thing he’d want to do, because that only adds weight to the theory that Nile’s disappearance is a military coverup. So eventually he has to tell Andy what’s going on.

Andy, obviously, does not take the news well. However, she is also completely computer illiterate, because that’s Booker’s job and he’s the only one who ever bothered to learn what the internet is in any meaningful way. (She probably calls Booker for advice, and for the record, I think Booker would have no qualms about shutting down conspiracy threads, tinhats be damned, but Copley is too concerned about the consequences. He’s ex-CIA for crying out loud, he knows how it’ll look if they scrub every mention of Nile’s name from the internet.) Maybe she confers with Joe and Nicky but, let’s be honest, they’d be equally unhelpful. So at this point, she knows they have to bring in Nile.

But the thing about Nile is that she, too, knows how to use the internet (duh). Aside from her being a young millennial/digital native, we know from the cave scene where she’s giving Booker suggestions on how to track Copley that she clearly is even more computer savvy than the average person. And for that reason she almost definitely took over the day-to-day tech stuff after Booker’s exile. So I think it would be foolish to expect her to be unaware of what’s happening. She’s not contacting her family or posting on the message boards or anything, but she knows what’s up. So Copley and the team probably sit her down to “break the news,” but we know the girl does not have a poker face (see: literally shooting herself in the foot and not being able to play it cool whatsoever) and cracks immediately, telling them she’s seen everything about her case – she’s not interacting with any of it, she certainly didn’t instigate anything, but she knows. (And she is so goddamn proud of her brother.)

At this point, I’d like to pause and consider Nile’s role in the overall narrative of this movie. She’s set up as a foil to Andy, obviously, but she’s also a foil to Booker. Booker, who, like Andy, is a serious pessimist, but who, unlike Andy, still has very fresh memories and trauma associated with being the new kid, which have destroyed him. In his mind (and Andy’s), if Nile communicates with her family, she’ll become just like him in a century or two – bitter, alone, and stuck with her grief and memories of watching her family die and knowing they died resenting her. It’s a small sample size, but this is the only experience they have to go off of.

But it doesn’t have to be like that.

There’s been a lot of discussion of TOG being a fundamentally queer movie – a group of people brought together because of something inherent about themselves that is different, that must be hidden, that causes others to hate, fear, and reject them. Booker’s backstory is the archetypal traumatic “coming out” story – his family learns who he is, hate him for it, and attempt to cast him out of their lives. He’s stuck with his trauma, his pain, his loss, and it consumes him.

But what if Nile’s family would be the opposite? What if her “coming out” to them as immortal is met with acceptance, love, celebration? What if her family is just overjoyed to have her back, and they don’t care what the circumstances are? I'm reminded of this incredible post from @shitty-old-guard-deaths a while back, where Nile’s mother hits Booker with a frying pan because “my baby let me believe she was dead for FIVE YEARS based on your bad advice???” (which may or may not have inspired this whole tangent). Nile takes the advice of someone who did the same thing she wants to do because she doesn’t want to risk her family’s rejection. She wants the good memories with her family and is afraid that showing them her true self will bring her unbearable pain, forever replacing those memories. But, with high risk comes high reward.

Anyway. Nile and the team are trying to come up with a plan for how to handle this whole thing, but she’s not really participating because she’s too afraid to hope. Until finally, quickly, so she doesn’t lose her nerve, she suggests she reach out to them, knowing that, realistically, that’s the only solution before things snowball even further out of control. The team is shocked, but realize that she has a point. They decide that Copley should actually be the first point of contact, posing as a US government official to talk with them and test the waters.

So Copley goes to Nile’s family’s house to talk with her mom and brother. They’re probably distrustful and apprehensive, but nonetheless secretly ecstatic that their work has paid off. They talk and review all of the information that they’ve collected, including testimonials from the people on Nile’s base and recent sightings (along with photos) of Nile (with the same three people) over the last few years that people have sent them but they haven’t posted publicly. At this point, Copley’s like, yeah this is about to blow up, we gotta put our cards on the table. He convinces them to come with him to some safe house/black site/whatever he can get that is technologically impenetrable (I’m picturing them in like, an interrogation room at a police station kind of deal), takes their phones, locks the doors, and brings in Nile.

What follows is the most delightful reunion scene of all time, bringing Joe, Nicky, and even Andy to tears as they watch and listen from outside the room. With Copley’s help, Nile tells her mom and brother about her immortality and what’s been going on since she died (within reason, of course), and they are thrilled. They don’t understand why (because no one does) but they don’t question it and they see it as a gift from God – she’s been resurrected, she will live, and she has a purpose. Her mother and brother are so happy to see her again and are willing to agree with pretty much anything to stay in her life as long as they can.

So. They set up some complicated agreement (they bring in the other three for support/intimidation as needed) setting the terms of their relationship. They swear Nile’s family to secrecy, maybe bringing up the lab to show how high the stakes are, and they readily agree. They come up with some cover story for Nile’s brother to share on the message boards (maybe that the government has opened an investigation but because it’s an open case he has to shut it all down? Tells people to direct their tips somewhere else? Something to that effect). There’s still speculation, of course, but without Nile’s brother at the helm providing the energy, the hype dies down as news stories are wont to do without any movement. And Nile’s family goes to work for the team. The experience has taught them that Copley can’t possibly do everything himself, especially when it comes to social media, so Nile’s brother takes the lead on the day-to-day tracking/social media while Copley and her mom focus on finding jobs and scrubbing their traces afterward.

So there you have it: Nile gets to integrate her biological family into her found family and spend the rest of their lives with them as it should be, Copley gets some badly needed help managing the reality of social media, the team finally has a positive narrative surrounding outsiders Knowing About Them AND about interacting with people from their previous life, and the audience gets the happy ending to this very lovely and very queer story to counteract the pain associated with Booker’s family.

Plus, you know, I’m a sucker for both a good government conspiracy theory and for Nile getting every good thing she deserves.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Ya'aburnee

Joe/Nicky, The Old Guard, Major Character Death.

Ya’aburnee This Arabic term means “You bury me,” a declaration of one’s hope that they’ll die before another person because of how difficult it would be to live without them.

Read it on Ao3

All things happen for a reason.

Nicky has faith in that. He does. He has faith in that as he had faith in the Lord when he put his life to His service, and as he had faith when he took it back for himself.

There's very little of his faith in the Lord that he'd kept after that. He didn't look at the Bible for guidance, but rather at himself. He didn't trust men of faith above all others, but rather looked at them with spite, even arrogance. He didn't hold God above all else, because his deepest worship could only be directed at a man.

But this, this he never doubted. Things happen for a reason. Every pain he'd endured, it strengthened him. The pain of losing his old life, his old family, his old self - hateful, disgusting fighter Nicolò - was just his rebirth into a better- no, a good person, and a happier one. He couldn't fault a fate that led him to Yusuf, nor that gave him so many blissful years to enjoy with him. He couldn't fault a fate that allowed him to drop the sword he held with hate and gave him a chance to fight for a better world instead. He died when he became immortal, but it was that death that breathed life into him, that brought him salvation and the brush of the very sun on his fingertips.

So he doesn't despair. When Andy loses her immortality, he figures that this, too, will be a rebirth. She was dead when she was immortal. Maybe now that she can die, she can also live.

When Joe loses his immortality, he doesn't despair either. He takes his sword and makes a cut into his palm, deep and precise, no more than an experiment, a confirmation.

When the cut heals as normal, that's when he despairs.

*

It happens for a reason, Nicky tells himself. It happens for a reason.

There's a reason Joe can die and he can't. There's a reason they found each other all these years ago. There's a reason the sun rises in the East. There's a reason for the birds to sing, and for the tundra to be cold, and for the trees to grow. There's a reason flowers smell sweet, and there's a reason the sun feels like a comfort when it touches one's skin. There's a reason for the soft summer breeze, and the joy that food brings, and for humans to love.

There's a reason for Joe to get shot in the head, dying before he even hits the floor.

There has to be. There has to be.

Nicky screams.

*

Maybe this is his punishment, he muses.

So much blood on his hands, and more deaths than he could ever hope to atone for. And yet, he had found happiness. For centuries, he had known peace in the soft eyes of the holiest man that's been brought to Earth, had been allowed to feel the joy that irradiated from the crinkles in his eyes, had known the happiness and beauty that a life of peace, of love, of union could bring.

And then had it taken from him, to remind him that that was not the path he had chosen.

He deserves it. He knows he does. But still - Joe does not. Joe was nothing if not the most loving, deserving of all of God's creatures.

Divine retribution can't be the reason, then. He cannot believe, cannot trust in a god that would let Joe take the fall for Nicky's mistakes.

*

The closest he can get to understanding it is this: he still has a mission.

Nile, natural leader as she is, nevertheless still needs him. She needs someone who can show her what only centuries of experience can teach. And the world still needs her team to have a sniper, to carry out their missions, to save lives. To make the world a little better, and with it, its people, just as they've always done.

He resents the world for it. How could it not see that Joe was the very goodness it so desperately needed?

*

"You don't have to keep fighting, you know," Nile says, her voice gentle, uncharacteristically so for the girl made of fire that Nicky knows.

"Of course I have to keep fighting," Nicky replies, not looking up from cleaning his gun.

"It's only been a month," she insists, voice still soft, although the edge of irritation gives it a bite that sounds more like Nile. She never had the patience or the willingness to accept what she didn't think was right, and Nicky loves her for it. He had hoped she would never change, but that wasn't for him to decide, either. "It's okay to grieve, Nicky. It's okay to feel."

"I've felt plenty," he points out, because it's true. He felt rage, and despair, and more pain than he could ever fit in his soul, as he failed to get in front of the bullet that hit his love on time. When he had dropped to the ground, Nicky cradled him in his arms, forgetting all about the mission, about the danger they were in, about his own existence as he stared at the already lifeless eyes that held his every joy. He screamed and cried and shook, punching the ground in rage until it was covered with the blood from his unsplit fists. He felt himself be torn in half, excruciatingly slow as his soul, and his heart, departed from him, leaving him gasping like he would when he woke up from a particularly gruesome death.

No other death compared to this.

He felt himself die right there with him, agonizing in every way that the bullet hadn't been. It was like he was being skinned alive, forced to shred everything that made him himself.

Then… He felt determination. He took the body in his arms, and he killed every last soul in the facility, starting with the fucker who had fired that shot. He bathed the body, getting rid of all the metal and blood and pain that did not belong with his love for eternity. He kept the water warm and his touch gentle, then shrouded him and took him back to his homeland to be buried, all in the same day. He calculated the exact angle to Mecca, down to the hundreth and third digit where the count finally ended; dug the grave himself; laid him in it on his side; begged the locals to perform the traditional prayers that Nicky could not; and marked his grave; all with a single-minded focus that he had never felt on any of his previous missions, not even the ones he once believed to be holy.

Then, he felt despair. He wanted to scream and cry, make a scene like he had when he had first seen his love's unhealing body, lie down with him in the grave and wait for his time to come. His love shouldn't spend so much time on his side without Nicky to hold, to stay between him and the door, to protect him. It isn't right.

Then, he felt smothered. He couldn't cause a scene, couldn't desecrate the body like that. And he wouldn't, no matter how much he wanted to, no matter how much he needed to, because his love's wishes came before his own needs, always had.

Finally, he felt agony, as he realized that his job was done and there was nothing more that he could do. He had done it, he had made sure that the body would be taken care of as he would have wanted, and yet, he still was healing, still wasn't allowed to abandon whatever his mission was. The agony was just as cutting as it had been the first time, burning through him until it destroyed all hope, all joy, all faith.

And then he felt nothing.

It wasn't blissful. It wasn't scary. It was just nothing.

It never gave way to any other feeling.

He felt nothing as he killed a whole group of human traffickers, and he felt nothing as the victims hugged him and cried, wailing their thanks again and again and again. He felt nothing as he offered them his water and smiled, attempting to find a common language to reassure them in. He felt nothing as one of the youngest ones, dehydrated and starved, died on the way to the helicopter that would take them to the hospital. He felt nothing as her sister started to wail loudly, screaming and begging for her to come back, to hold on for just a little longer.

He felt nothing as he kneeled by her side, and told her that he knows she's in pain right now, but they need to keep moving if they are to stop this from happening to the others. He felt nothing as she screamed in his face, telling him he didn't understand. He felt nothing, still, as he made the decision to tell her the truth - that he had recently lost the love of his life, and his whole family long before that - because he knew their shared pain would get her to agree to keep moving faster.

"How do you live with it?" she asks, eyes shedding tears like one would shed his coats after getting home. Impersonal and repetitive. Exhausted.

He shrugs. It's not like he had a say in it.

"Don't you have a fucking heart?!" she yells, the weeping turning active and sorrowful and loud again as she cradles her sister even closer.

He feels nothing.

*

He feels nothing when he wakes up every morning and slashes his hand again, just to see if the time has come. He feels nothing even as the wounds closes down as if it never were, same as it did in that horrible, horrible moment.

After the thousandth time, he reconsiders. Everything happens for a reason, he tells himself. Trying to rush his time or figure out when it will come is pointless. So, he decides to stop testing.

He feels nothing about that, too.

*

No one but Nile and Booker can even tell there's something wrong with him.

Not even when they come across an acquaintance from before, who asks him good naturedly, "where's your better half". Not even when a man named José, with hair in the perfect curly texture and eyes that crinkle when he smiles, hits on him at a bar. Not even when the thousands of strangers stumbled upon him staring at the grave for hours and even days at a time.

Each time, he performed perfectly. "I don't know exactly, but I should be able to see him soon", "Sorry, I'm married", "I was just passing by and wanted to pay my respects". Each time, they smiled and went on their way, believing everything he had said.

It was very easy.

It made him feel nothing.

*

Nile and Booker know, of course. Nile still tries to get him to open up, to feel, cry, even if it involves purposefully trying to stir a reaction with sharp words. She was willing to try to make him snap at her in order to help him heal, because Nile's kindness was only rivaled by one person. Still, it doesn't work. No amount of kindness, not even of love, could dig his soul from the grave it was in.

Booker says it's like déjà vú. Nicky tells him not to worry, he won't go crazy and betray them. Booker doesn't even take offense, just silently offers Nicky his flask.

Nicky refuses. He doesn't need help dulling his pain, because he feels none.

*

His new routine is easy. He wakes up, having slept on his back, then gets up and doesn't make tea exactly ten minutes after pouring his first cup of coffee. He cooks for the team, mindful of keeping Nile and Booker's favorites on the menu as much as possible, adds bacon to dishes that would go well with it, and doesn't make tajine. He banters with them good naturedly, smiling and making bets with Booker, and doesn't make weird silences as he waits for an extra opinion to chime in. He goes on missions and doesn't make any harsh decisions that would get him killed, doesn't pass on guns to someone who's not there, and doesn't engage in needless violence.

His friends stare at him in concern anyway.

He doesn't feel bad about it.

*

Days. Months. Years. Decades. And nothing.

Nothing, and nothing to show for enduring it. His routine doesn't change. He doesn't stop fighting, doesn't stop going on missions. Everything happens for a reason, so he must still have work to do.

And yet, work brings him nothing. The world gets better, and they make it a point to keep tabs on the ones they have saved so they don't forget the good they're doing. So far, every one of them has made a difference.

He doesn't particularly care, but he keeps going. He's a soldier walking on broken bones, a corpse among the living, a body without a soul. For the first time in his immortal life, he feels wrong. Unnatural. Like a puppet pulled by strings, unable to signal to its handler that it's still alive in there.

It doesn't bother him much.

*

He had never really felt out of place.

The world kept changing, sure, and a lot of what he had known was gone - but that had been true since he first put down his sword and set off to Maghreb. He had cherished the changes, loving to learn more, loving to have his eyes open to the wonders of the world. Where the others had resisted new technology and centuries later still preferred their axes and swords to guns, Nicky had immediately set himself to learn how to use a sniper rifle and never looked back. When Nicky saw the first ever satellite images of the stars, he felt the exact same elation Nicolò had when he first entered the Maragheh Observatory.

When the world changed, he had found it beautiful. And when he changed with it, he had seen it as an honor.

Now, time moves on, and he can't.

He stands, untouched, as the world around him moves uncaringly. Stuck in the same place, in front of the same grave, no matter how many other places he visits and how many supposed wonders he sees.

Time is just another thing that left him behind.

*

Nile actually offers to set him up with someone.

He can't help it. He laughs, even if there's no joy in the sound. Nile is kind, and smart, and perfect, but there are some things she really is too young to understand.

She is offended. He briefly muses on whether or not he wishes he felt bad about that.

*

Life, to him, becomes nothing but the absence of death. He's convinced it is born out of that absence, much like the absence of warmth cuts and burns enough for humanity to name it cold.

He wonders if that sounds poetic, then shrugs. He was never the poet among them, so it's not like he would know.

*

The sharp sensation as he accidentally cuts himself when he shaves barely even registers, much like the burning of being shot or sliced open. He just sighs, reaching for a washcloth to wipe the trickling blood with.

It is only after several rounds of wiping, absentmindedly wondering how he managed to shed so much blood from one quick cut, that he realizes the reason it doesn't stop bleeding is that the cut isn't healing.

He feels something then.

Relief.

It punches through him, knocking him down to his knees. His time is coming. He's going to die.

Thank you, God, oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. He bows down, forehead touching the floor, sobbing as he rocks back and forth in place. Thank you, oh God, oh, thank you, Lord. His sobs turn into laughter, joyful and deep and cutting, and oh God, he's finally going to die. Thank you, thank you.

It's like the world's been lifted off his shoulders. Like he's finally alive again. His corpse breathes in, soul lodging back into place, broken bones being allowed to rest and put themselves back in position. His cut is still bleeding. He's never felt more healed.

Thank you, God.

His penance is over. Heaven is just at his fingertips. He might even have believed he was already in it, but there's no way there would be a Heaven without Joe.

Joe, he thinks, deliriously. Joe, Joe, Joe. He is floored by the amount of memories and sensations that hit him then. Curly hair shining in the sun. Soft eyes that always seemed to melt when setting on him. Easy, quick, musical laughter that made him feel at the top of the world even when it came at his own expense. Charcoal smudged hands. Soft touches, wiping his tears, wiping his blood. Joe. Yusuf.

Oh Lord, thank you.

When his family bursts in, alarmed by the sound, they find him in that same position. Kneeling on the floor, rocking back and forth, laughing and weeping as he bleeds, hands clasped together as repeats Yusuf's name over and over again. A prayer, answered.

"Nicky? Nicky, what happened?" Nile asks, alarmed, taking in the mess in the bathroom. It is only then that he really registers her presence.

He turns to her, points at his hurt cheek. "It's not healing," he says, and for the first time in three decades, Nile sees his smile reach his eyes again.