#sex ed with Nat

[scriptlgbt]

My story is fantasy and include rituals suitable for only virgins. Is it okay for someone to qualify as a virgin for the ritual but socially aren't virgins. I would clearly define what virgin means in the ritualistic context, which is biological PIV, which is unfortunately cissexist homophobic and transphobic but make it clear that social definitions go way beyond that.

Please don't write this. There is no good reason for your magic system to have these attitudes, and also, virginity in general is just a concept that needs to die IMO. Consider this: sexual assault survivors should not have to negotiate whether or not those experiences change this particular part of them. Intersex and trans people shouldn't have to wonder if the kind of sex they've had counted, because what "counts" as a "biological" penis or vagina etc? Where does a clit and and a penis begin, and what counts as a vaginal canal? What counts as penetration? This is WAY too messy for something to have some hard and fast rule. Biology cannot and will not be able to be defined so strictly.

I want to be able to read a stories that actually fathom that someone like me with my body could exist. I don't want to have to wonder how trans and intersex bodies get sorted.

Overall, IMO, there is no good reason to continue the construct of virginity to keep living in fictional universes with literal magic systems.

I think this is one of those things where condemning it within the plot wouldn't be enough, when you're writing it as an integral part of the fabric of the world you've written.

If you need an equivalent: A version of "rituals for virgins" that I've heard before that I do like, is that "virgin" is defined as not participating in certain kinds of magical rituals before. The case I heard was blood rituals. You could also pick a different activity which has less real-world baggage, but maybe has some in-world baggage. Or you could rework it as defined by marriage, or some other thing. (Marriage can still be done in private, if the intimate information aspect is necessary.)

OR you could even have it SEEM like the magic system has the rule you stated (PIV virginity) BUT have the reality of the rule be completely different, this being a big twist where the people involved realize what they were told was a lie and reality does not have the inequalities they were forced upon.

-mod nat

[milli-moi]

Natasha Romanoff on Sex Education: Or, how Aunty Nat would be awesome and Mama Nat would be a nightmare

Natasha would be a very different person to have in different roles when it comes to all things Sex Ed based. This might seem weird at first but let me explain.

Obviously Auntie Nat would be a great person to have on your side when it come to this stuff.

- She would be prepared, even though (depending on MCU or 616) she may not need them, she would always carry tampons and pads with her just in case someone needed them. She even keeps a couple tampons in one part of her tac belt and has helped out the team on various occasions.

- She wouldn’t judge. All the younger girls she has an impact on - in my head I think mostly of Wanda and Lila Barton here - know that if they have any weird symptoms and need to see someone, Natasha will find them the right doctor. They know if they need access to emergency contraceptives or abortion care then she’ll get them access.

- Natasha always has ALL the supplies. Due to the nature of her job there is nothing Nat doesn’t have if you give her a little notice. She’ll get you whatever contraceptive methods you need. spermicides? Yup, Lubricants?pick a flavour. Hypo allergenic condoms? Absolutely, any specific texture?

- In the same vein (pun not intended but I’m easily amused 😂) if it’s technique you want then she can give you tips on that too (jeez the puns… why…??) Natasha will talk to the point, blunt and without a hint of embarrassment. She will point out the problems with the banana-condom situation, explain toy sterilisation and pre or post- sex hygiene.

And these things would be great if she was your auntie, right? She would be someone to go to no matter what and without any judgement. I imagine she went to Wanda after a few weeks and dragged her to a pharmacy, getting her set up with contraception options as well as talking her through some of the products available, knowing that when she had first come to the US it had been overwhelming with so many new brands.

But then there is the other side, Natasha as a mother. Sounds awesome in a lot of ways, but…

(FYI: I always think of Mama Natasha as being very on the side that sex education should be mostly done before embarrassment sets in. She won’t risk her children being unable to say if something happened to them.)

- Instead of their two year old just being asked to explore those body parts privately Natasha explains what the clitoris is and why it exists.

- Being called into the class of your six year old to discover she had decided to explain to her classmates what sex is.

- Frequently reaching into the pocket of their jacket or bag as a teenager and finding a selection of different condoms.

- Being HORRIFIED to find the way the Black Widow is portrayed on the internet. The kids did not need to hear people talk about their mama like that.

- Having your mama just casually strike up a sex-based conversation with your friends if anything happens to bring the subject up.

- Thinking there are probably kids in your class who fantasise about your mama. Knowing they do when one of your friends discovers someone they know has black widow themed condoms.

[housedyke]

It's always interesting to see things that imply that there's this binary of abstinence-only education and quality sex education. Because the sex ed I got in California was a Mormon woman telling the class that you can get pregnant from anal because there's a trap door in your intestines that the sperm can go through to enter your uterus

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

"lol Izzy's just up walking around one day after amputation" "can we talk about how Ed took a cannon ball to the skull and then just walked it off the next day" "Stede got burned and it was scarred over the next morning healing power of gay sex"

What you need to understand is that this show is operating on TTRPG rules, and not a particularly gritty one either. Just like how anachronisms work because someone at the table thought it was funny or someone at the table said "for the lolz" and everyone decided it was canon so too does a long rest make it better. Ed was on death saves and Stede showed up and the GM let him roll the last one with advantage, he nat 20ed. He took a long rest, and now he is better. Izzy nat 1ed on a roll to shoot himself in the head. It knocked him out, he stayed passed out for 8 hrs and then he was good to stick that table leg on the stump and keep trucking. The GM decides how much blood comes out when they describe it and the GM is not medically trained. Anne Bonny stabbed Mary Read with a 6 inch knife in a spot where it would definitely hit her heart if it was buried that deep but guess what it still only does 1d4+dex damage so she's fine. Poisoned isn't a death sentence it's a condition you can make a con save about.

[bemusedlybespectacled]

Question: I enjoyed s1 OF OFMD, but for various reasons I never actually got around to watching s2 (pick up most of the plot from tumblr tho). What exactly went wrong in s2 that got so many people upset?

Oh, boy. Very long rant incoming.

So, for context, S2 had a significantly smaller budget, which necessitated moving the filming location to union-unfriendly New Zealand, reducing the number of actors/number of appearances of established actors, and cutting down the number of episodes from 10 to 8. In a show where each episode is only about half an hour long, that last one alone was enough to seriously hamper any character development or plot. I am very comfortable putting the vast majority of the blame on HBO because of these financial decisions.

The short version is that Jenkins et. al. needed to address and build on the problems left hanging in S1 while also getting the characters to the end of their character trajectories in case there was no S3 while also leaving room for additional episodes in case there was a S3, in a grand total of four hours, and failed.

The long version is that there were a bunch of what I'd consider small problems in isolation that came together and exploded in the S2 finale.

The reduced cast necessitated breaking up the crew (ex: having Swede marry Jackie and stay on land with her, so they don't need to pay Nat Faxon for all eight episodes) and not spending as much time on their relationships as S1 did.

The reduced time meant that the entire season was rushed (in contrast to S1, which takes place over at least several weeks if not months, most of S2 takes place in roughly five days), leading both to a lot of telling rather than showing (because they don't have time to show you), including vital character and relationship development.

This includes:

Having the Kraken half of the crew beat Ed to death after months of being abused by him – abuse that is clearly shown to have given them PTSD and a well-justified fear and hatred of him – only for them to be okay with him two in-universe days later;

On that note, having Stede dismiss the crew's concerns about Ed because he loves him and also we only have three more episodes left to fit in everything so we need to get over it really fast, even though Stede is supposed to be well-meaning and caring (even if he's not good at it all the time);

Resolving the issue of Stede abandoning Ed in one day, then having them "go slowly" in their relationship for two days and then have some spur-of-the-moment sex, and then the next afternoon have them break up over their diverging career aspirations, and then the day after that resolve that problem and retire on land while the rest of the crew sails off into the sunset;

Stede becoming a fantastic pirate captain over the course of one day, becoming wildly popular in the piracy world two days later, and then deciding the day after that to never be a captain again because he is retiring with Ed;

Having Ed and Stede decide to retire together as what is implied to be the end point of their relationship arc, when none of Stede's issues from S1, like his poor self-esteem, have been so much as mentioned by anyone, implying that he's either magically gotten over them or they don't matter all that much, actually, even though they were the catalyst for basically everything he did in S1;

Ed having two separate character crises – "I am an unlovable person" and "I want to do something with my life other than piracy" – not spending a lot of time on either one, having moments that clearly indicate he is still working on both problems and they have not been resolved, and then apparently having them both be resolved in the final episode despite nothing occurring to actually make that happen, and in regards to the latter, despite the story actively undermining it by repeatedly showing he can't do anything other than piracy;

Related to the above, Ed ending the series as allegedly being loved by the crew as a family (thus solving Crisis #1) despite this never actually being shown, demonstrated, or even fucking alluded to onscreen. If anything, it shows the exact opposite.

This last point is especially galling to me because of what is probably the most divisive issue in the fandom right now: killing off Izzy Hands after giving him seven episodes of character development.

The show begins with the Kraken crew clearly trying to use the skills they learned as part of Stede's crew to cope with their incredibly shitty situation and care for each other, which includes Izzy. Izzy, on his end, tries to protect the crew and speak up for them, which results in him being repeatedly hurt (both implicitly, as Ed at one point says "that's another toe" in response to Izzy advocating for the crew and we later see he's missing more than one toe already, and explicitly, as Ed shoots him in the fucking leg in front of the crew when he stands up for them).

This camaraderie is shown again and again and again. Frenchie, Jim, and Archie take care of Izzy while his leg is infected, at risk to their own lives. Izzy's misery over losing his leg is what unites the PTSD-ridden Kraken crew and the well-meaning-but-ignorant-of-PTSD marooned crew, who are initially at odds, to make him a new prosthetic leg. Izzy gives Lucius advice about forgiving Ed. Izzy is introduced to drag and opens up enough to sing at a crew party, and the whole crew is having fun together while Ed and Stede are in their cabin having sex for the first time. Izzy gives Stede pirate captain lessons and bonds with him when Ed leaves him. Izzy provokes the season's villain into focusing on him and then gives a big speech about how piracy is about belonging to something, giving the rest of the crew time to try to escape.

Recall that Season 1 had some pretty well-established universe rules, one of which was that it runs on Muppet physics/magical realism. People can jump off yardarms, hit the side on the way down, and be perfectly fine. People can get stabbed in the liver and it's totally okay because it's probably not that important, and even can stay pinned to a mast all night that way with only mild discomfort. Buttons can talk to birds and see long distances without a spyglass and put hexes on people. Good people can be hurt (Stede is stabbed repeatedly), bad people can die (the Badmintons, Geraldo), but no one we care about is ever killed.

This is repeated in Season 2: Ed is beaten into a coma with a cannonball and wakes up like Sleeping Beauty after a spirit journey, with no injuries to his face or body. Buttons turns into a seagull after spending an episode doing a magic ritual and is never seen again (because they couldn't keep paying Ewen Bremner due to the budget cuts). Jackie microdoses her husbands with poison to build up their immunity, so that she can later pull a Dread Pirate Westley and poison the British with shared drinks.

So: in the finale, the villain of the season is taken hostage by the pirates (for reasons? unclear how that fits in the plan), happens to have a gun on him (no one checked??), shoots Izzy on the right side and then leaves with no repercussions. The entire crew stands around silently doing nothing while Ed cries over Izzy and tells him that he's his only family.

And Izzy fucking Hands, the guy who just spent eight episodes bonding with and protecting everyone, uses his last words to reassure Ed that him becoming Blackbeard/the Kraken was Izzy's fault and that the crew is Ed's family and they all love him. No one else says anything to Izzy or tries to comfort him or help him in any way.

I repeat: in a show predicated on the idea that bullies and bigots die stupid deaths while queer people and POC are basically magic, a show that was praised for being kind to queer people by not making them worry about their faves suffering or dying, a show founded on the strength of the relationships between the characters, the guy who went through a season-long arc of learning to embrace his pirate found family and his own queerness is shot for stupid reasons on the side we're told isn't important and dies while everyone just stands there. His last words are about the whole crew loving Ed when the only person that the whole crew has loved all season is him.

Anyway, never mind all that, let's cut to Lucius and Pete getting married and Stede and Ed retiring!

Complicating all this is that people who liked Izzy (or even said anything insufficiently mean about Izzy) were harassed for months in between seasons with insults, slurs, and actual fucking death threats. Izzy's growth was kind of a vindication for liking him: it meant that, despite all the harassment, we were right to like him and care about him as a character. Even people who didn't like him initially started to like him during Season 2.

And then he dies, and now there's a bunch of people saying that Izzy fans are big whiny babies who can't handle fictional death, and actually his death was so meaningful and beautiful and the only logical end to his arc, and it can't be bad writing because people die in real life all the time, and also he admitted he fed Ed's darkness so actually he was a terrible person all along anyway and they were right to hate him (and his fans)!

So, yeah, there are a lot of reasons why it's so hated, and I'm probably only addressing the problems of the pro-Izzy people (from what I can tell, BlackBonnet shippers who don't like Izzy think Ed and Stede's relationship is fine and dandy, but I'm sure that there are other criticisms they have that I have not addressed). I'm not even addressing the issues with Jim and Oluwande's relationship this season (and whooo boy are there issues).

It wasn't a universally bad season. There were episodes I really loved and still do. But the finale was a train wreck, and because it was a train wreck, a lot of people are looking back at what happened before the wreck and realizing that, oh, the train lost its brakes and steering because of the budget cuts and the engineers kept throwing fuel in the engine to make it go faster, and huh, now that I think of it, that part earlier in the trip was really wobbly but I didn't pay much attention to it at the time because I was sure the engineers had everything covered.

[gingiesworld]

Hi :)

can you do a ballet dancer wanda or Lizzie X drug addict (doesn't have to be drug addict) male or G!P reader. I don't really know what it can be about but can you do with smut and wanda/Lizzie is very flexible because she is a ballet dancer

Here Comes The Regular

Ballet Dancer Wanda Maximoff x Addict GN! Reader

Warnings: ED. Smut. Drugs. Alcohol. Amab! Reader

18+ MINORS DNI

Wanda and Y/N both met at a college party, Wanda was dragged along by her best friend and fellow dancer, Natasha Romanoff. Just straight after finding out her ex boyfriend had been cheating on her with one of the girls from the cheer squad.

"This will be good." Nat told her with a smile. "Get you back out there."

"I don't want to get back out their Nat." Wanda told her as they made their way inside the house. "I just want to go home."

"Come on Wanda." Nat pleaded with her as she dragged her through before one of the guys took Natasha away to dance, leaving Wanda to find the kitchen as she grabbed a soda.

"Not your type of scene." A voice spoke up from beside her.

"No." She whispered as she shook her head. "My best friend dragged me here."

"Come on." They told her as they grabbed her hand, leading her towards their bedroom. As they let her in, she looked through their records until she found one. "You like The Replacements?" They asked her.

"I do." She nodded shyly as Y/N took the vinyl from her hands and placed it on the turn table. The two smiled as Here Comes The Regular started to play through the speakers, drowning out the party downstairs. "I used to listen to this record when my dad was alive." She admitted as she sat on their bed, Y/N being respectful and sat crossed legged on the floor.

"He has great taste." Y/N stated as they took a sip of their soda.

"He did." Wanda nodded with a smile. That was how that song became theirs. The only time it was ever played was in intimate moments between the two, the moment the two had their first time, the moment they confessed their love for one another. Their first dance at their own wedding. The song held a huge place in their hearts.

But as the years went on, the two started to lose sight of the other. Wanda had become more and more self concious due to her career in the ballet as Y/N had started with drugs at corporate events. Being pressured by their superiors to try a line and only starting the beginning of a journey downhill.

At one of the events, Y/N had took Wanda as their plus one. Disappearing to the bathroom every now and then to have a line as Wanda threw back glass of wine after glass.

Once the two had returned home, they were a mess of limbs as Wanda led them to their shared room. It wasn't until the two were naked and Y/N truly saw Wanda naked for the first time in months, tears welled up in their eyes as they moved away, suddenly sober at the sight of their wife.

"I can't." They whispered as they moved towards the bathroom, soon throwing up everything in their system before leaning back against the wall. Wondering how they never really noticed Wanda's state.

The next morning, Wanda woke to an empty bed, scrambling to get dressed when she noticed that she was naked. It was that moment that Y/N had walked in, a small bag of white powder in their hands.

"We need to talk." They told her as she covered herself. "We both have problems and we need to address them."

"I don't." Wanda spoke weakly as Y/N shook their head.

"Wanda, last night we were about to have sex for the first time in months. Those months you wouldn't even let me hold you." They told her. "All the while you were fading away, I was getting high. I'll admit that I have a problem because I can't really go a day without a line but I would it for you if you got the help you need too."

"But our careers." She whispered. "I need to be thin for my career."

"Not that thin Wanda." They told her. "You were perfect before you done this to yourself." They walked towards the vanity and picked up a picture of the two of them before they were married. "Look here, tell what you see is wrong here because I don't see a damn thing wrong." Wanda could only cry as she hugged the blanket closer to herself as Y/N sat on the bed, taking her hand in their own. "I love you Wanda, I really do and I just don't want to see you hurt yourself."

"I'm sorry." She whispered as Y/N gazed at her tenderly.

"Why did you do this?" They questioned as they gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "You can tell me."

"The last choreographer." She sniffled as Y/N listened, anger slowly building inside of them. "He said that I needed to lose a few and that I was borderline fat."

"You were never fat Wanda." They told her as they wiped her tears. "I should have spent every day telling you how beautiful you are. I should have noticed that something had changed but I was too busy getting high."

"Why?" Wanda asked them as they chuckled dryly. "Why did you start?"

"I guess it was peer pressure." They told her as they looked at the small bag. "I thought that maybe one try wouldn't be too bad but then I had another, then another and that just started the need for it everyday." They looked back at Wanda, guilt in their eyes. "Maybe if I wasn't so fucking spineless, I would have noticed that you had been struggling and I can't apologise enough."

Wanda got on her knees, completely revealing herself as she cupped their face. Soon enough retreating as she noticed Y/N's guilt ridden stare as they looked at her body.

"This isn't on you." She whispered weakly, coverling herself again.

"I think we both need help." Y/N told her as they got to their feet, sitting down at their computer. "I just, we owe it to ourselves to get help." She watched as they looked over for different rehabilitation centres. "Maybe if you aren't comfortable about rehab, maybe have Nat or your mom stay here with you and see a therapist." They suggested as she took a shakey breath.

"What about you?" She asked them as they looked at the small bag.

"I can maybe go to one of these centres, depending if we can afford it." They sighed as Wanda shook her head.

"I don't need a therapist." She tried as Y/N shook their head no. Reaching for their phone.

"You do." They told her. "I want you to get better Wanda, you're too important to me to let you disregard yourself. Besides, I can ask Bucky, he went through the same thing. He can help me." They picked up the bag and headed towards the bathroom, dropping it in the toilet before flushing it. "I am going to tell Norman I need an emergency sebatical."

"Well, I haven't got work just yet." Wanda whispered as Y/N got her some clothes.

"I'll call everyone and set up the guest room for your mom." They told her as they left the room, leaving Wanda the privacy to get dressed. Once Wanda was ready, she headed towards the guest room to start on the room. "Your mom and Nat are on their way." They informed her. "I am going to pack a bag before I head over to Bucky's."

"What does this mean for us?" Wanda asked them, fear in her eyes.

"It just means that we are going to get better." Y/N told her with a smile, Wanda finally noticed the change in their features due to the drugs. "And when we are back to our old selves, I will be coming home." They kissed her lips softly before pulling her into their embrace. "I love you Wanda. So much." With that they left the room to pack a bag. They waited for Nat to arrive before they left, Wanda watched as they drove away with her arms wrapped around herself.

"Come on Wan." Nat wrapped her arm around her and led her back inside. "Y/N has left numbers for the best therapists in town." Nat told her softly.

"We have to go no contact right?" Wanda questioned as Nat gave her a sad smile.

"Yes, going no contact is completely practical for your recovery Wanda." She reasoned. "But you have myself and your mom is flying in." Wanda just looked at one of their wedding photos on the wall as Nat's voice turned into white noise.

As the weeks went on, Wanda had therapy three times a week. Also she had done weekly weigh ins to monitor her progress, all the while she worried about Y/N. Knowing they've decided to go cold turkey so they could afford the help for her.

"What?" Nat whispered on the phone.

"I've had to strap them down." Bucky informed her. "It's getting through the harder part right now so they will say or do anything for a hit."

"What did they do?" Nat questioned.

"Well, they tried to hit me with a lamp so I had to tackle them." He told her. "They have had to have stitches on the cheek because the bulb smashed. I asked Bruce to come and help. He gave them a sedative."

"What do I tell Wanda?" She questioned.

"Just tell her that they are getting better." He told her. "Just don't tell her anything that may set her back. Y/N would kill me if Wanda had a set back because of them."

With that, Wanda's recovery was going extremely well, all the while Y/N struggled. Especially after they had been let go from Oscorp.

Wanda remained going to therapy after making a full recovery, even her mom went back home as Nat remained in the guest room. Not wanting to leave Wanda alone as Y/N was still recovering.

It was a few months once Y/N was ready to leave, the cravings had completely gone and they had started to look more and more like themself. They stood outside their front door, their bag in hand as they took a nervous breath. Although their wife is inside, they were nervous because of it being months since they had seen each other.

"Y/N?" Wanda gasped as she started down the stairs, they closed the door and dropped their bag in time to catch her. Tears coming down both of their faces as they kissed for the first time in months.

"I missed you so much Wanda." They told her honestly. She smiled before kissing them once more, this time with such intensity and hunger.

"I missed you." She whispered as she pulled them upstairs towards their shared room. She kissed them harder once the bedroom door was closed, starting on removing Y/N's clothes as their tongues danced hungrily. Y/N's hands cupped her ass, pushing her hips into their hardening cock, making her sigh as she pushed their shirt from their shoulders.

The two made quick work of each others clothes before Y/N lay Wanda down on the bed, hovering over her as they gazed lovingly at the woman before them. Seeing how she has come along, now seeing the woman they had always loved regardless.

"You are breathtakingly beautiful." They whispered as they caressed her cheek. Wanda pulled them down to her lips, kissing with such fire igniting passion as their bodies molded together.

The room was full of sighs, moans and groans as the two made love. Their fingers intertwined as Y/N thrusted their hips, hitting her g spot as they shifted angles. Wanda let out a gutteral moan at the feeling. The knot in her stomach getting impossibly tighter as she soon came over the edge. Moaning Y/N's name and scratching down their back as she spasmed beneath them, causing their own orgasm to take over.

The two soon lay together, naked as Y/N held Wanda in their arms. Taking in the closeness that they have craved the passed few months. Talking about everything the two had missed from the others life.

"I am so proud of you Wanda." They told her, gazing into her green eyes. "You've overcome so much and you truly are amazing."

"Don't forget about yourself." She told them. "You have no idea how you helped me through it."

"No." They shook their head. "It was all you." She watched as they got out of bed, heading over to the records and getting out the very album they had listened to when they first met. "It's only fitting that we listen to it when we have both overcome so much." Wanda beamed as she stood up, wrapping her arms around their neck as they held her hips. The two singing the lyrics to Here Comes The Regular with loving eyes. Remembering the moment they both had impatiently waited for.

[fohatic]

(manip by me, original poster by art chantry)

welp there's a (short!) fic now 😏

for the "kink: condoms are fun!" square of my @cap-ironman stony bingo round 2 card, 1.5k, rated E:

Like so many 21st-century notions that most modern folks took for granted, getting Steve Rogers onboard with the idea of condoms for gay sex was yet another concept that required some getting used to. As ever, Tony was more than willing to help him adjust to it -- was particularly eager, in fact, to demonstrate it for him. 

So he took Steve’s hesitant objections in stride. Though he conceded that STDs weren't actually an issue between them, Tony still felt obligated to get Steve up-to-date on one of the primary functions of using protection. He didn’t blame the poor guy for assuming that “VD” was only something that men contracted from women, given how the sex-ed propaganda of Steve’s time pointedly ignored the existence of homosexuals at every turn (yes, Tony had become quite the WWII-era culture buff ever since he and Steve got together). “Rubbers,” ergo, were only used to prevent pregnancy and war effort-undermining cooties from ‘loose women,’ as far as Steve was concerned.

He hadn’t yet learned about the AIDS epidemic. He hadn’t learned anything at all, really, about homosexuality, aside from what little he’d gleaned from his limited exposure to different cultures and social norms during his stint as a soldier. Just getting him to come out of his internalized-homophobic shell even a little bit after Tony had finally figured out that the tension between them stemmed from a sex thing rather than the other kind of dick-versus-asshole thing was a huge challenge all on its own; one which Tony had only persevered through because he was already way too far-gone on the guy by then to consider giving up. 

But now— after way too much dithering and denial and a gradually-dawning acceptance of the earth-shattering truth of the matter— they were finally fucking each other. Enthusiastically, and often. Tony’s patience had won out big time, and his rewards just kept on coming. And coming. And coming.

Turns out, Steve has a refractory period that’s basically non-existent. One of the many benefits of being serum-enhanced. Truly, Tony has no complaints on that score, considering his own notoriously rabid sex drive. Match made in heaven, in all honesty. It would seem that Steve is intent on making up for lost time, and Tony is only too happy to oblige him at every opportunity—

—which is where the condom thing comes in. Tony doesn’t mind that they’re fucking like rabbits now. It’s great! Amazing! Best thing that’s ever happened to him, really! But honestly— it can get kinda messy, given how Steve seems determined to fuck on every conceivable surface he can think of -- and often during moments that might not be entirely convenient, such as in the immediate aftermath of a mission; be that during touchdown at SHIELD headquarters when he and Tony are still suited up, or even on the freshly-vacated Quinjet on a number of occasions... -- occasions which their teammates definitely weren’t as oblivious to as Steve had been quick to assume in his lust-clouded fever (Tony had seen Nat’s knowing look after Steve had asserted his captain’s voice to tell him, “Stark: hang back a moment. There’s something I need to discuss with you in private.”) He was so disastrously conspicuous sometimes, but Tony wasn't bothered by it. He just found it ridiculously charming. 

So Tony’s started carrying condoms around with him at all times now, knowing that Steve’s delightfully unhinged libido could strike at any moment. It's his privilege to always be ready for him. 

The first time Tony fished one of these out of his pocket and pressed it against Steve’s big, warm chest during a heated make-out session in the locker room, Steve frowned down at the little packet with the most adorably confused expression Tony had ever seen on a full-grown human. 

“...A rubber?”

“Uh huh,” Tony had breathed out, eagerly rolling his hips against the massive thigh still shoved between his legs. 

“What for?”

It was actually really funny, just how nonplussed his face looked in that moment. Tony bit back his reaction to laugh, though, knowing how sensitive Steve could be when he thought Tony was laughing at him. 

“For sex,” Tony grinned, deliberately pressing his hard-on against the larger man and feeling a little giddy with how much he wanted exactly that, pronto. “What else?”

“We’re both fellas, though,” Steve needlessly pointed out, getting that deep furrow between his brows as a particularly splotchy flush spread over his face -- Tony knew by now that these together were more of an indication of embarrassment than arousal. Uh oh. 

It was sometimes a bit of a tightrope walk, maintaining a modern homosexual relationship with a man as complicated as Steve Rogers. Tony was still learning how to navigate his changeable moods and specific triggers, but it was a task he was surprised to find himself more than willing to put up with. It was actually kind of thrilling, the way he was always keeping Tony on his toes.

So that first, clumsy attempt in the locker room hadn’t convinced Steve that condoms were a convenient means of mitigating the messier aspects of assfucking, which in retrospect was Tony’s bad: Steve wasn’t wrong when he'd pointed out that the showers were right there.

Then later that week, when Tony tried again by attempting to argue that condoms were actually “fun,” Steve had gotten a bit petulant when he'd mistakenly jumped to the very erroneous conclusion that Tony didn’t actually like getting pumped full of an unholy amount of hot supersoldier jizz on the regular. On the contrary, it was something he often enjoyed with a zeal that bordered on some kind of perversion… Only, there was a time and place for indulging in what basically amounted to a serious cum-inflation kink, which—in his modest opinion—was best enjoyed in the comfort of an actual bedroom. 

Later, ensconced in the privacy of said bedroom, he explained this to Steve. In so much detail. He made sure to be very clear about what he liked and when/where he liked it, ensuring that there would be no doubt as to how sincerely he meant it by encouraging Steve to properly fill him up right there on his oversized bed. Then—just because Steve seemed to really appreciate these sorts of practical demonstrations—Tony made it very clear what occurred afterwards, illustrating this by strutting naked around the bedroom and letting Steve’s jizz drip down between his legs while he continued to elaborate on the pros and cons of letting Steve put him in such a state while out in public. He definitely had Steve’s rapt attention, this time.

Still, he didn’t fully sell his argument until the following weekend, when they’d been out together at that gala all night in their well-tailored formalwear, making eyes at each other in between all the endless schmoozing and sipping from champagne flutes and munching on canapes. 

Steve found a little secluded balcony that wasn’t in use, because of course he did. Say what you will about him being a late bloomer; there was no denying that the guy had quite the aptitude for arranging semi-covert assignations at a moment’s notice. 

He wasn’t wearing his utility belt, though, which meant that he didn’t have his handy dandy lube tube that he’d taken to carrying around these days. So when Tony caught him trying to spit on his fingers after getting a hand down Tony's pants and squeezing Tony’s ass in a signal he’d come to recognize as Steve’s signature “I wanna fuck you right now” move, he intercepted him just in time to demonstrate the magic of 21st-century lubricated condoms.

Getting to bend Tony over the railing like that and have at him at the drop of his $3000 pants with no prep required—then coming profusely into Tony’s grateful ass without spilling a single drop of superspunk on either of their very nice garments—was something of an eye-opening experience for Steve Rogers. 

He could admit, afterwards— as they righted their clothing and kissed like they’d been waiting all night to get their mouths on each other in order to finally breathe properly— that Tony might’ve actually had a point about the “rubbers.” 

“They’re fun, aren’t they?” Tony smirked as he smoothed his hands down the fine weave of Steve’s black dinner jacket, continually enamored with the way that all that broadness narrowed down to such a grabbable little waist. “...Anytime, anywhere.”

“Yeah,” Steve agreed, looking at Tony with a fondness that couldn’t possibly have just been about the whole condom thing. Sometimes when Steve looked at him like that, it felt like his insides were melting; like Steve could reduce him to literal goo with just a look. Quite the superpower, that one. 

Steve’s eyes did that funny thing where they grew impossibly warmer as he reached to fix Tony’s hair with gentle fingers, telling him, “I think I’m coming around to the idea.”

♡

[yjhariani]

After Price almost TPK-ed them, they decided to get a new DM.

"Soap, we're back to you at the top of the initiative, whatcha gonna do?" you asked.

"Okay," Soap said as he rubbed his hands together. "What sex is the dragon?"

For a brief second, the table was quiet.

"Excuse me?" you questioned, both offended and amused at the same time.

"I mean, you've been using he/him pronouns, but I don't know if he's a female or a male," Soap explained.

You only looked at him for a second, before swiping the table to see the other players.

"Are you trying to do what I think you're gonna try to do?" you questioned.

"Which is… what?" Soap replied, hiding his mischievous thoughts but not his smile.

"If you're trying to attack this dragon in the crotch or in the tits, it's gonna be with disadvantage, especially that you're standing behind him," you stated.

"Oh, Jesus," Price sighed, shaking his head.

At the same time, Gaz started wheezing.

"I'll give it a go," Soap insisted. "So, what is he?"

"He's a male. With a cock the size of a rocket launcher, resting," you sighed.

"Yeah, so I'll lightning bolt him on the crotch," Soap said.

"Fine! Do it with disadvantage," you said.

"How close to dying is this dragon?" Ghost asked.

"Very close, my friends," you answered.

"If Soap's killing him with a final blow to the crotch it'd be a little entertaining," Ghost persuaded.

"Well, I bet," you scoffed. "We don't know if he's going to be able to, though. He's been rolling shit after he rolled that nat 20 on the initiative. He's also standing behind this dragon."

"Now that you said that, watch him roll super well," Gaz chuckled, putting a dice tray in the middle of the table.

"If I roll two natural 20s, you owe me a drink," Soap said, now rubbing his hands together with two dice in between his palms.

"Sure. If I owe you a drink, it's Ghost's money anyway," you nodded.

You looked over at Ghost and saw him looking at you with his eyes telling you, 'What the fuck?'. You could not help, but gave him an apologetic yet mischievous smile.

With that, Soap rolled his dice. The clanking sound of resin hitting wood was the only thing heard around the table until the dice landed.

Gaz was the first to make a sound and he was wheezing. Soap laughed as if he was the villain in this case. Ghost tapped the table twice in support of his friend. The captain let out lazy scoffs of laughs.

The chances were not a big one to roll the same number on twenty sided dice. However, Soap did and it was on the biggest number.

"You're telling me that I made this cool-ass dragon and you're going to kill him by shooting lightning into his dick?" you chuckled.

"Hell yeah!" Soap excitedly said.

"Okay, you hit. I did say that he's very close to dying and there's no way that your damage isn't going to kill him, so how do you wanna do this?" you proceeded.

"Ah, well done," Price commented.

"Yes!" Gaz cheered.

"This is going to be the best kill in our gameplay ever," Soap stated.

The whole table looked at Soap.

"I'm standing behind this guy. I shot my lightning bolt from the back of his dick so it looks like he's ejaculating lightning for a moment," Soap explained between laughter.

Soap was not the only one laughing. Even Ghost let out an amused scoff.

"I don't know if it's a thing I could do, but what actually happen is the lightning gets into his bloodstream and it's striking his whole body like he's having nerve damage," Soap continued. "Then, his cock fell off."

"No!" Ghost said. "I am underneath him."

"I will allow it," you said to Soap before turning to Ghost. "The dragon's dick fell on you."

"Fuck you," Ghost stated.

"So, is Simon going to take dragon dick damage?" Price questioned.

By now, Gaz had attached himself to the table due to laughing so hard. Soap was wiping tears off the corner of his eyes.

"I'm at two hit points," Ghost informed.

You rolled a four sided die into the tray that Gaz placed in the middle of the table anyway. It landed on a one.

"Take one point of dick damage," you stated.

"No, I won't," Ghost said.

"Do you want me to make Soap roll the lightning bolt damage instead?" you challenged.

Ghost only looked at you without saying anything verbally. His eyes on the other hand, looked to be giving you a warning that if you did something that cruel, he would punch something into the walls.

"Take the dick damage, Simon," Price teased.

"Hold on, doesn't the dick still have lightning?" Soap brought up.

"No! Shut the fuck up!" Ghost protested.

You chuckled.

"You killed me in the last campaign! It's only fair I kill you in this one," Soap yelled.

"Just take the win, Soap, he's taking dick damage," Price said.

[cdyssey]

Yellowjackets 2.06 Reactions:

TW: Cannibalism; Traumatic Birth Experiences

Coach Ben teaching Health Ed class!! This man has suffered through so much.

TAIVAN WITH THEIR DESKS SHOVED TOGETHER!! Lolololol, at Misty being the only one who is paying attention and Ben clearly not caring that no one is paying attention.

“Poppies, Jeff. Jackie likes poppies.” She says this to get people to stop whispering about them, but God, I love the intimacy of this line too—the way that Shauna knows Jackie’s favorite flower.

THIS BLUR SONG. WOW, WOW, WOW.

Lmao at Misty emptying all her pockets.

Lottie’s shocked expression when she clocks that it’s Misty for the first time. The almost immediate steeliness, the barely controlled rage. The height difference between Simone and Christina is so fucking funny. Misty is a tiny little bean.

“And I won’t call the IRS about what I assume is your routine tax evasion.” AKQKWNWKSN

Lottie gets a visible headache and asks Misty to stay a while; she possibly had a vision?

“She is the one who decided to act out by dating a cop.” SO FOUL, SHAUNA SNSNDNWNWJDNS.

“It honestly would’ve been better if you just had sex with him.” FOUL FOUL FOUL.

Baby girl is so fucked up!!! Callie and Jeff’s horrified expressions when they hear this shows us that they’re registering this, how off kilter Shauna is.

The girls desperately scrambling to figure out what they should do to help Shauna, and it’s moments like these when you remember that they’re children, and it’s awful.

Tai being right at Shauna’s head, holding her shoulders, wiping off her head, encouraging her. They make me so fucking tender.

Misty has entirely shut down.

“WILDERNESS, I HOPE SHAUNA DOESN’T DIE.” MARI WOQKOQJEWJWJRJNWJEJWNWNENWJS. YOU KEEP DIGGING YOURSELF INTO THAT PIT, GIRL. I LOVE YOU.

Tai holding Shauna’s face reassuring her over and over again that she’s not going to die.

Nat being a fail girl at rifle practice.

“I’m poison. I ruin people.” God, my heart aches for her. She genuinely believes this.

“I killed my best friend… the only person that I loved.” FUCK. 😭

Natalie and Lisa’s relationship is so, so good. The vulnerability between them, the care.

“… we did so much fucked up shit out there. And yeah, maybe it was to survive. Maybe. But I don’t think we deserved to.” GOD GOD GOD. Two things haunt me about this particular line. That second maybe—we’ve known from the start that they did things out there that weren’t solely about survival. Pit Girl. Her ritualistic consumption. But also the fact that this is the condemnation that Nat hangs on them all. None of them should have made it out of the woods alive, and maybe, just maybe, that would have been penance for what they had done.

Tai looks like a peak lesbian in Van’s clothes. <3

Van reminding Tai of her FAMILY, and Tai is just like, lmao, fuck them. It’s you and me, baby.

She is so awful. <33

“You’re married, Taissa. There’s no us anymore.” God.

Tai sees all the overdue bills in the trash can; Van is struggling.

Misty is utterly broken about Kristen. It’s easy for us to say she’s the “well-adjusted” one between all the adults because she’s been able to compartmentalize so well; she’s out there girlbossing and murdering!! But she’s just as fucked up, just as traumatized, even if she invited so much of that trauma on herself: breaking the transmission box, telling Kristen, inadvertently killing that innocent girl.

Nat appealing to Ben, the adult, Ben, the health ed teacher, for guidance, BUT HE IS A FAILURE TOO. “I just pressed play on a video.” AMQKQKKEWKKDOWKSSK

“Women have been having babies for millions of years.” 😭 Nat, I fucking love you. These girls care for each other so fucking much.

GETTING COMFORT FROM HER POCKET MOUSE. AKILAH, I LOVE YOU AMQMQDNJWNS.

Not the cult performing blood offerings in the corner. My God QNKQKQMWNRKWKWMWMWKWJREK.

POV: Ur having a baby in the woods and all the goth kids are being weird about it.

God, Lottie needs to fucking get a new psychiatrist. This lady is the worst.

Simone is such a fucking good actor.

“We did… terrible things in Its name. And I thought when we were rescued, that we left It there, but now I realize… we brought it back with us.” The subtitles are really lending an emphasis to It now. God, I need a side-by-side of all the ladies talking about the terrible things they did in the forest: Shauna talking to Callie, Natalie and Lisa, and now Lottie and the psychiatrist. The horror on all of their faces when they admit this truth aloud; for all of them, it’s almost too much to bear.

“I mean, if you’re done crying, I could tell you some stories.” QKQKKWOWJEJDJ

Ben, ur such a failure. Ily.

The antlers behind Ben in the flashback…

THE PLACENTA FUCKING COMING FIRST. AND THE VIDEO. AND TAI REMEMBERING IT’S SUPPOSED TO COME AFTERWARDS. I’M FUCKED UP.

Crystal and Misty were gonna sing a song at Shauna’s labor. Lmfao.

“You can save our baby.” LOTTIE WTF

“You’re so close to being on the other side.” The double entendre is absolutely there. Shauna is so fucking close to death.

Taissa crying because she cares so much for Shauna and she already knows, from that placenta coming first, this fucking isn’t going to end well.

“Aren’t you probably the last person who should be giving me legal advice right now?” AQQKEMFMEMS, drag her ass, Callie. (Callie and Shauna both wearing that forest green because they are so alike.)

I fucking hate Matt the Cop. Smug fucking bastard!!

Tai fucking with Van about the sorting. 😭 I love them so much.

“No, Tai. You came here for help with your life. If I need help with mine, I’ll let you know.” TELL HER, VAN. One thing I’ve really enjoyed about both Taissa storylines is that they’ve consistently portrayed her as someone who can be judgmental and hypocritical. It’s such a good character flaw for her.

Tai’s entire tone changing when she hears that it’s Lottie.

“It’s a bunch of granola losers, but the food is great, and the BO factor is surprisingly low.” QKQKFNWKOWKEQPJEN

All of these children are crying, and I’m so fucking upset. I care about all of them so goddamn much. Nat and Tai and Misty being right there for her means so much for me. That’s my core four.

Shauna is dying right in front of them.

THE SUBTITLES SAY MISTY, BUT THAT WAS JACKIE FUCKING TAYLOR’S VOICE.

The entire scene is lit differently. The baby is too big and healthy. The placenta came first. The crying is repetitive. This is a goddamn dream.

“… but no, I’d rather keep the past in the past.” / “Van, you run a video store. […] You practically live in the past.” POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK, MA’AM. YOU WERE RECENTLY CAUGHT SACRIFICING YOUR DOG IN THE BASEMENT!! YOU CHASED AFTER YOUR EX AND GAVE HER A BOOBY PEN!!!!!!

Taissa is so judgy, lmfao. Never change, girl failure.

“Don’t fuckin’ judge me because I know you’re too evolved for online dating.” GET HER!! Lauren has inhabited Van so well. Like, sometimes I can hear Liv in her delivery of lines.

“But don’t flatter yourself. It’s not because of you.” Vanlottietai triangle in the wilderness when

Natalie, ma’am, I know you have, like, seven different infections from wearing those pants for so long. SEVEN.

Lisa giving Natalie the Fourteenth Gilly, so she’s responsible for something other than herself. 😭 Sobs.

If anything fucking happens to Lisa, I will lose my shit. I love her so much.

Shauna not being able to feed the baby. I’m so fucked up. The other girls can see that starvation awaits.

JEFF PLAYING “FUCK THE POLICE” WITH THE WINDOW DOWN OUTSIDE THE POLICE STATION. I LOVE THIS MAN. HE IS THE FUNNIEST FUCKING HIMBO. ALQWKQODJKWKW

QKQOOWWKMWKDNSNS, JEFF SAYING IT TAKES A WHILE FOR SHAUNA TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. THE LOOKS TAI AND VAN GIVE EACH OTHER. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS MAN

He is such a weirdo.

Misty talking about Nat with such love and affection. Girlfriends. <33

“We’re all like this. Aren’t we?” Nat looking at Misty for the first time with sympathy in her eyes. She fundamentally sees that Misty is fucked up too.

I’m fucking crying at this baby starving.

“Your kid doesn’t like you too much, does she?” RIGHT ON THE HEELS OF THAT LAST SCENE. THAT’S SHAUNA’S GREATEST FEAR, HER CONTINUALLY BLEEDING WOUND.

Melanie Lynskey is so fucking pretty.

“You really did a number on her.” God, God, God, God. Shauna and Callie really eff me up. They were doomed from the start, from the moment that Shauna nearly died from having that first baby in the woods.

“And you do not have to be like your mom.” It’s too late, Kevyn. She already is.

“I never even wanted to be a mom. In fact… I did not sta… start out a bad person, but in case you haven’t noticed, life doesn’t tend to turn out the way you think it will. You have a kid that you… you don’t want… to save a marriage that you got into out of… guilt and-and shame. And, and you just… you can’t really let yourself love either of them. But, of course, you do. You-you love them despite yourself. You’re just incredibly bad at it.” I HAVE LITERAL TEARS RUNNING DOWN MY FACE. MELANIE GODDAMN LYNSKEY.

This isn’t Shauna lying. We know that Shauna is a piss poor fucking liar. This is the truth from the bottom of her goddamn heart. She didn’t want Callie. She had her to save a marriage that she only got into because she felt so guilty—about the woods, about Jackie, about what she and Jeff and all the girls did to her. But she loves them. She loves her husband. She loves her daughter. And she knows that she hasn’t done them their due. And this has also been a truth from the beginning. Shauna absolutely loathes herself. She self-destructs partially as a punishment that she thinks fits her endless crime.

The music shifts when she does start lying. What came before it was sincere.

“But leave my kid out of it.” SHE LOVES CALLIE.

I fucking hate this cop!!!

CALLIE SINGLE-HANDEDLY SAVING THIS ENTIRE INVESTIGATION WOQKQKWOQOKWIDJDJEJEJEJEJEJEIEKEMDJD. I FUCKING LOVE HER.

“Especially when they ask me to describe his weird ass balls.” WKQKWOQOOWIWJEJDIEJENWKIRIRIFKDKWKDIDIFIEIWKDJDJWJKSJE.

NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO HATE CALLIE SADECKI.

Lottie feeding the baby. ☠️

JEFF SPITTING HIS DRINK OUT EVERYWHERE DJWJDNDN.

Shauna’s voice break when she says “Yes” about the gun. She’s unraveling and unraveling.

“I am really worried about you. You are, like, out of control, Shauna.” / “Yeah, you think?!” And she actually cries in front of Jeff.

Jeff’s like, “Go, honey. Have a well-deserved mental health vacation with your wilderness cannibal girlfriends. 🥰” He didn’t say that, but I’m paraphrasing.

Callie and Shauna had a plan all along. :/ But Shauna screwed it up. Both of the Sadecki parents trying to reassure their daughter.

NAT TRYING TO, UM, SPARE THE FISH FROM THE COLD CRUELTIES OF THIS WORLD. GOD????

“It’s all a goddamn prison anyway.”

GOOD. THE FOURTEENTH GILLY LIVES.

I’m no fish expert, but um, is that bowl just a wee bit too small?

Shauna talking so tenderly to this baby. This episode is not going to fucking end well.

Shauna saying that she wants the moment for herself, and that’s such a core part of her ethos. This (dream) baby is hers and hers alone, someone she doesn’t have to share, someone that no one can try to control, even though they might try.

LMAO, AT SHAUNA GETTING THERE SO FAST. SHE MUST HAVE BEEN SPEEDING.

Nat has finally changed out of those goddamn leather pants!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Shauna and Nat hug. Oh, God, yeah, yeah, yeah. Natalie was there for Shauna during one of her darkest times, and now they’re both in ruts again. There’s so much solemnity in the gesture, so much pain.

Taimisty joy hug. 😭

VANLOTTIE HOMOEROTIC CRY STARING!!!

THE FUCKING SYMBOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The tea was drugged. 😭 Shauna calling out for Tai and Van.

FUCKING EATING IT. I KNOW IT’S A DREAM. I KNOW. I KNOW, BUT GOD

AND THEN SHE FUCKING WAKES UP, AND THEY’RE ALL CRYING.

“We thought we lost you.” Tai holding her face. I’m fucking unwell.

I CAN’T FUCKING DO THIS. I CAN’T

SOPHIE FUCKING NÉLISSE.

“Don’t you hear him crying? Why can’t you hear him cry?”

Taissa holding Shauna and that dead baby, blood on her hands.

“Why can’t you hear him?”

This is the most upsetting goddamn television I’ve ever fucking seen in my life.

“The infants lungs will fill with air, signaled by a cry.” And at the end, it’s this line from the video documentary that comes back to haunt us all.

[cottoncandiescupcakes]

David Jenkins: I've been focused on the wrong thing. Ed? Stede? Izzy? Jim? Oluwande?

David Jenkins: After seeing Nat Faxon in a crop top I know the ACTUAL plot is about Swede becoming Spanish Jackie's sex slave.

Nat Faxon: Can I stop doing squats now :)

David Jenkins: You can NEVER stop doing squats

Nat Faxon: :( Ok

Leslie Jones: He can have a snack break don't talk to my baby like that, you asshole

David Jenkins: Sorry Miss Leslie, Queen, Goddess.

David Jenkins: Ten minute snack break for Nat

Nat Faxon: :) Cheese stick

[cicaklah]

putting on my dadhat, tieing up my white tie, polishing my tails...

fandom: dnd movie 2023

pairing: edgin/xenk

rating: they are gonna fuck but they haven't YET

summary:

Nat just laughs and excuses herself, which means that, oh great, Ed has to talk to Xenk.

“I am comfortable sitting here in silence, if it is such a burden to converse with me,” Xenk says, reasonably and when Ed narrows his eyes, he bends close and whispers, “my friend, do you realise you are saying all your inside thoughts out loud?”

“You are,” Ed scoffs.

In which Ed has a simple request, Xenk speaks fluent common, but everyone misunderstands each other anyway.

tagged: Farce, Sex Farce, Men's Tits, Dirty Talk, Misunderstandings, Horse Shenanigans, Midsummer, Hate Sex, aspirations of hate sex, Poetry, there is a word for bad miracle and it is Xenk Yendar, Humor, Idiots in Love, Getting Together, Magical Shirt of Pulling, Oneupmanship, revenge is a dish best served on a horse

---

For my girl @skylightpirate because the dadhats have come for me, and I am now one with the dadhats, everyone in this fic is a horse girl except the author. The rest of it is written, but I need to edit it, so hopefully the rest will be published in the next few days. Either way, its the return of the cicak special, the sex farce!!!!!

[vpalmersfootballgloves]

yellowjackets 206 thoughts

no one hears anyone crying but y'all will hear these spoilers if you don't scroll past. spoilers below

SOPHIE NELISSE EMMY TONY OSCAR GRAMMY NOBEL PEACE PRIZE PREMIER LEAGUE TITLE PULITZER PRIZE BRAVERY MEDAL CAMPAIGN

precrash!taivan with their desks together during sex ed and tagteaming randy. this was the last time i was seen happy and carefree.

VAN EATING A LOLLY MIDDAY WHILE REARRANGING VHS TAPES, VAN'S SCREAM POSTER, VAN NOT ADMITTING TAI ACTUALLY KISSED HER, VAN STOPPING FOR COFFEE FOR TAI, VAN'S PESSIMISTIC OUTLOOK ON LOVE AND LIFE, VAN ON BUMBLE, VAN'S SNARKY CULT COMMENTS, VAN EATING HER OWN WORDS UPON SEEING HER EX-GOD, LOTTIE MATTHEWS.

"youre married taissa, there's no us anymore" honestly simone is probably already done filing the papers dw honey we're good.

i know some will take tai minding into van's broke and bitchless business as a whole pot calling kettle black situation etc, BUT i'm arguing that she cares about her loved ones (nat, van) so much that she's willing to ignore the shitload of problems on her own plate to help out where she can

the dream birth sequence was so creepy from the start til end. personally, i think its either shauna placenta previaed and postpartum hemorrhaged into her obligatory near death dream/hallucination sequence. OR she just passed out and the dream was a manifestation of all her insecurities, worries and grief.

tai is seriously shauna's RIDE AND DIE. shoving the van's deer bone into her hand and giving her the Lottie special. tai LOVES shauna SO HARD.

travis you have 5 litres of blood to donate with no monthly bleeds and yet you only gave the gods THREE DROPS????? lottie dont lie to him we can BARELY see his sacrifice.

still better than ben i guess. dude just dipped and went to his mind palace

"i love you so much" "it's you and me kid" shauna i dont need a reminder of my mommy issues rn

lottie turning shauna's son into a communal baby like wdym OUR???!?!?!!?

natalie :C she has so much survivor's guilt and remorse that she genuinely believes she's an irredeemable, irreparable Very Very Bad person incapable to be loved because everything she touches hurts one way or another.

lisa and 14th gilly will remind natalie she is so capable of love and to be love. TRUST.

misty praising natalie among lottie's acolytes. she's rooting for natalie so hard. its adorable how much she loves natalie in all the weirdest ways

simone kessell you are a STAR. the lottie-psychiatrist scene MOVED MOUNTAINS

speaking of psychiatrist, that woman is not your psychiatrist. she is switching your meds, egging you on and praying on your downfall.

"what is... IT?" BITTTCH STAY AWAY FROM LOTTIE!!!

teen shauna's sincere, pure and unadulterated love thesis for her son versus adult shauna's nonchalantly saying why didn't callie have sex WITH A FUCKING GROWN ASS MAN PREDATOR to nullify the evidence... the wilderness really did a number on her huh

thank fuck some maternal instincts kicked in during the pornstache interrogation

day 8349 of pornstache saracusa not being dead or tortured. its honestly upsetting

nat staring at van during the milf avengers line up bc nat's just shocked to see van in the flesh ever since these two childhood bestfriends lost contact postrescue.

[voiceoffenrisulfr]

Magic and Madness - Chapter Six

To Understand Everything is to Forgive Everything.

𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 -> Tony Stark x Stephen Strange

𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐑𝐘 -> Stephen has a job to do, and it almost destroys him. Where else can he go for comfort?

𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓 -> 2388

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 -> (E) Avoidance, GSW, ED mentions, alcoholism, internalised homophobia, self-doubt, self-blame, smuuuuut.

𝐀/𝐍 -> A Companion Piece to Multitudes, exploring the relationship of Tony Stark and Stephen Strange. This chapter best corresponds to Multitudes chapters seventeen and eighteen - I recommend starting there if you're reading both <3. Masterlist can be found here!

Check it out below, or on AO3 here! Dividers come from yours truly.

<- Previous Chapter (5/46)

I avoided the compound like the plague.

The announcement of Natasha's plurality came of very little surprise to me – delivered, as it was, by a video call with Bruce. He didn’t ask why I refused to attend the meeting, and I didn’t volunteer the information.

I couldn’t face the man who had so unceremoniously dismissed me after almost two days of careful touches and hesitant kisses.

My hands shook whenever I thought about the look on his face when he glanced at me – the pure revulsion and desperation I found in his hollow gaze.

Despite my remorse, though, I couldn’t bring myself to regret it. It had been a glorious, if short-lived, experience. My only sorrow was that it had, by all accounts, left him drowning himself and finding solace at the bottom of a bottle.

I tried to be surreptitious in my probing – simply asking after the team when someone reached out to me, clarifying individual members – Tony included – when they weren’t detailed. Nat, in her rare correspondence via video, always made sure to talk about him first, and was by far the most candid.

I got the call in the evening a few weeks after I absconded, phone ringing out , shrill in the darkness. Steven's panicked explanation was accompanied by a backing track of Nat’s staccato, desperate whimpers as I dressed hurriedly, throwing on the first thing my hands reached for – a painfully familiar hooded sweatshirt that still smelled faintly of sex and aftershave.

Wreathed in an agonising comfort, I stepped through to the hospital.

You know I’ve done this too many times when they don’t even look up anymore. A little wonder would be nice.

“What is it this time, Dr. Strange?” My head nurse sighed as she spoke, eyebrow raised in surprise as she glanced at me. “... You look like hell, Stephen.”

“Thanks, Clarissa,” I snapped, rolling my eyes as I smoothed my hair. “GSW to the lower left quadrant. No known spinal implication, and there’s an exit wound. Patient is showing transient consciousness. ETA four minutes. Is there a team free?”

She nodded quickly, pushing herself to her feet. “Yes, Doctor. You got lucky; it’s been a hectic day. OR two is available.”

I nodded sharply, pacing impatiently as I waited. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I wondered if he would be there.

My question was answered as they barrelled through the door, Tony’s hands pressed to the wound in the archer’s side. “BP is 83 over 54 and falling fast. GCS eight, oxygen steady – mostly. Pulse 73 and dropping. Looks like the bullet fragmented after penetration.”

I motioned Nat away quickly, her eyes wide as she trembled, and offered her a quick smile. “I’ve got to get him into surgery. I’ll do what I can, Natash- Nat. I’ll do my best.”

Five hours and six minutes.

His insides were shredded by the shrapnel, and while I lived up to my promise, I hated that I couldn’t do more. My forehead found the wall as I sobbed softly, mourning the parts of the archer I couldn’t save.

But I had a job to do.

So I simply scrubbed a hand over my face and peeled off my bloodied gown, unable to stop the spark of anger that drove me to throw it violently into the contaminant trashcan, jaw set.

I should have done more. I should have been better.

I should have been there. Maybe I could have made a difference.

Natasha was curled on the floor, pressed against the wall, blood trickling through the fingers pressed to her ribs as she stared blankly into the distance. I sighed as I approached, steeling myself. “Let me take a look at you.”

“… Wh… What?” she murmured, blinking owlishly up at us, and I inclined my head toward the blood under her hand, jaw twitching. “I said, ‘Let me take a look at you’.”

She blinked again, blank and disinterested. “We’re fine. How’s Clint?” I offered her a wry smile and an extended hand, pity tugging at my heart. “Let’s make a deal.”

“Clint had a lot of internal damage. A lot. I’ve patched him up as best I could, but…” I sighed guiltily as I slid the needle through the edge of her wound, but she showed no reaction. “You’re lucky he was in front of you. You would likely have lost your lung, but instead it just broke the rib.”

“Lucky,” she scoffed, eliciting a flinch.

“He’s not come around yet. He… We had to perform an ileostomy. There wasn’t enough intestinal tissue left to salvage. He’s been fitted with a bag – if he… That will be permanent,” I added softly, jaw tight with remorse.

I should have been there.

She winced, glancing up. “Will he wake up?”

I hesitated only briefly, the loss of concentration bringing a faint tremor back to my hands. “We don’t know. He lost a lot of blood and sustained significant injuries. He underwent massive transfusions. The fact that he survived surgery is reassuring, but…” I sighed again, head shaking. “I’ve had this conversation too many times lately.”

When she glanced at me curiously, I offered her a weak, shaky smile. “I said almost the exact same thing to Clint, when it was you that may not wake up.”

I spent two weeks in my own alcohol-driven despair, wracked with remorse and selfish thoughts of comfort found in his embrace.

He’d tell me I tried my best. He’d tell me there was nothing more I could do. He...

No.

He’d tell me I repulse him, and that I am wrong.

Two weeks of long and suffering silence was all it took for Clint to start to come around, and I got the call to return. I’d checked on him daily, but they thought I’d like to be the one to break the news to him.

I can’t imagine anything worse.

But the archer, to my wonder, was impassive, seemingly unphased by this permanent alteration to his life, despite my immense shame and guilt.

The only person who seemed to struggle as much as I was Natasha herself. Chained to his bedside, I’d watched her grow steadily more gaunt, refusing all but water – and even that had to be administered intravenously. Not a single morsel or drop passed her lips during her silent vigil, and the weight began to drop from her frame once more.

A quiet word with Bruce when they eventually returned to the compound confirmed my worst suspicions – that she was, once again, skirting danger.

Bruce desperately argued that her weight was holding steady, but I could only snort. “You don’t believe that any more than I do, Banner. We need to find out how this is happening – before it’s too late. And ‘too late’ is approaching far too rapidly.”

The day she ended up being taken, unconscious and severely underweight, I broke.

When I appeared in his bedroom, he was lay with his hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling.

“… Hi. I know I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t be here. I just…”

He nodded slowly, extending an arm to me with a quiet sigh. “Come here, baby boy.”

The name broke me, and I sobbed, falling down beside him and weeping desperately against his chest. “I should have done better. I should have done more. I…”

Shushing me gently, his fingers caressed my back as he held me close. “You did amazingly, honey. You did better than anyone else could have done. None of this is your fault, do you hear me?”

“I knew she was struggling. I knew that something wasn’t right. But I left it to Bruce, and I… I should have spoken to her. Helped her. This is all my fault. I’m not… Fuck, I’m such a… Fuck.”

He brushed his lips against my forehead, pulling me nearer. “Sweetheart, you did everything you could. You were incredible.”

“You never called,” I whispered into his chest, voice cracking. “I thought you hated me.”

He snorted weakly, shaking his head. “You? Never. Myself? Well… That’s a different matter entirely."

“I hate that I made you feel like that.”

“Not you, baby boy. Never you. I… I’ve missed you, Stephen. So much,” he muttered into my hair, fingers tightening against my spine.

“I’ve never hated myself quite so much as I do for what I said to you. I’m so, so sorry.”

I pushed my face through my tears to claim his mouth with mine, hands curling in his hair desperately. “Show me how sorry you are.”

“Aren’t you going to ask-”

“I already know you’re sober, Tony. I’m surprised and impressed.”

“I’ve been sober since Clint’s accident. I… I wanted to prove I can do it. Before I reached out.”

I purred happily, pulling him closer. “Fuck me like it’s you last night on this earth, Stark.”

He raised an eyebrow with a snort, dragging my shirt over my head. “You got it, baby boy.”

I lay in his arms as he smoked, and I scowled. “You shouldn’t substitute one vice for another, love.”

“One makes me significantly less of an asshole than the other, sweetheart.”

“Don’t you also have a ‘no smoking in the building’ rule?”

“It’s my building, who’s going to tell me off? You?” he added with a smirk, and my fingertips trailed his hip lightly, humming with delight at the hard lines I’d missed touching.

“Sounds fun. I might be into that.”

He barked out a surprised laugh, shaking his head. “Doctor Strange, you never cease to amaze.”

I arched an eyebrow, fixing him in my gaze. “Mr. Stark, I am a surgeon who tried to micromanage his own surgery, despite the fact that I would be profoundly unconscious for the procedure. I am nothing if not authoritarian.”

He purred and tugged me nearer, fingers curling around my back to drag me atop him. “Oh, yeah? I seem to remember you being pretty submissive every time I’ve made you beg...”

Smirking, I took his hands from my hips and pinned them over his head, delighting in the soft gulp the motion elicited, pressing my body against his. “You assume I couldn’t make you do the same?”

“Y-You gonna boss me around?” he stammered, back curving minutely against me as he blushed.

I hummed playfully, tongue trailing the length of his jaw. “... Not yet. Maybe when it’s my turn to fuck you.”

He stiffened, and I winced.

Fuck. Why would I say that?

“I-I didn’t mean to-”

“I’m scared,” he ground out quietly, gaze flicking away as he reddened.

I released his wrists and lay over him, watching him with my chin beside the glowing light of his reactor. “... What are you scared of?” I pressed softly, and he grimaced minutely.

“I... I’m not sure. I’m scared it’ll hurt. I’m scared I won’t be... Clean. I... I’m... I know this isn’t exactly straight, but I’m scared that if it’s me that gets... I’m scared that it’s just, y’know, more... g-gay.”

The last word was a pained, shameful whisper, but my heart throbbed proudly.

He’s never said it before. No matter how drunk, or sober, or angry.

He’s never said it.

“Do... Should I talk you through your fears? Or do you just want acknowledgement?” I asked quietly, fingers dancing across his collarbone, and he nodded shyly.

“I-I guess you can... Try and help.”

Smiling fondly, I kept my gaze on him as I thought. “Well... You saw – pretty intimately – my first time. Did I look like I was in any pain?” He shook his head reluctantly, and I pressed a kiss to his chest. “It was... Unusual. A little uncomfortable, at points, but that very quickly gave way to...” I swallowed dryly, cheeks heating. “You’ve seen what you do to me, Tony. It’s... The best I’ve ever felt. By far. By far.” My light shiver made his smirk, hands shifting to caress my back gently. “I don’t think I’ve ever had- No, let me try again. I have never, by far, had so much sex in such a short period of time. And I still want more.”

He grinned at last, palms finding my ass pointedly. “I’m happy to stop this conversation and give you more, baby boy.”

Heart fluttering, I did, admittedly, hesitate thoughtfully before I shook my head. “I’d rather make you feel better... At least first.” He rolled his eyes, but nodded, and I purred. “As for... I mean, it’s not a big deal either way. But there’s ways you can... prepare. Which I could talk you through, but I’m concerned for your blood pressure if I say any more about that,” I teased as his face turned crimson. “But... I’ve never bothered, and we’ve never had a problem, right?” He shook his head slowly, and I grinned, kissing his cheek. “Exactly.”

His jaw tightened in anticipation, eyes drifting further from mine. “As for the last... Tony. My dear, sweet, darling Tony. If you’re straight, all your sex is straight sex, regardless of how you do it. And the same is true for gay people, and bisexuals, and all the other myriad of sexualities out there. It's not more or less of what it is depending on how it’s done. If you’re gay, then you’re gay, and that’s fine. You’re not extra gay if you decide you want to... Be fucked,” I finished, blushing lightly. He was trembling at my words, still unable to meet my gaze, but he licked his lips dryly.

“I’m gay.”

I couldn’t help the blink of surprise, but buried it in a gentle kiss, nipping his lip lightly. “As am I, sweetheart.”

“It... That’s why I never settled down.”

“I tried. I loved her, I truly did, but... She was the only one.”

“I’m... I’m ready to settle down, Stephen,” he added softly, gaze flicking to mine at last. “With you.”

“I... You... Wh... Huh?”

He swallowed again, leaning forward to kiss me lightly. “I want to be yours, Stephen. And I... I want you to fuck me.”

God forgive me, but I am going to commit every sin. Send me to hell if you must; I’ll go with a smile.

The whine that eked from my lips was indecipherable, and he grinned softly. “Stephen Strange... Please fuck me.”

... ... ...

Yes.

Yes.

Yesyesyesyesyesyes-

[adaines-furious-feast]

you GOTTA tell me more about danny dude!

Ah my beloved who nobody will let me kill…

I can’t remember if you’re on the server so this is probably some background.

Danny was in his freshman year during the events of Fantasy High: Junior Year and is somehow oblivious to everything. My first roll with him was a nat one on an insight check he had a -1 modifier to and that kind of sums him up.

His dad’s a wizard. As far as he knows, his mom was a wizard. So he has to be a wizard. That’s how that works. And he miraculously did an entire year of wizard classes with a negative two to intelligence because he is in fact a sorcerer. 

Danny’s doing his best to ignore that fact because his dad will kill him, or worse, if he finds out. So instead he throws his all into pretending to be a wizard and geology club. He is far too into crystals and their “magical” properties. Not the actual magical properties, of course, but the spiritual magical properties. He’s been spending weeks trying to figure out what’s the best stone to give to someone to say sorry for accidentally putting an owlbear in their classroom, because it’s important.

Danny’s just the sweetest little guy. He goes to church with Bucky because he knows it’ll help with Mr and Mrs Applebees. He’ll protect Ruben and Kipperlilly with his life. He’s lost three focuses and his spellbook and doesn’t realise lost property exists and they’re all there. He gives pretty good advice, but also thinks Baron is the sex ed teacher because it’s really hard to change his mind once he locks into an interpretation. His uncle is Connor Counterspell and he’s allergic to shrimp.

Of course, Danny has a nice happy backstory like all of my characters do. TW postnatal depression and attempted infanticide .

So his mother was a sorcerer, and had been hiding that from his father their entire relationship. But obviously that’s not going to help her and it’s all building and building. Add onto that the complicated hormonal changes that come with pregnancy and something had to give. She suffers from postnatal depression and Danny’s dad does try to get her help but doesn’t fully understand. Until she’s trying to flood their home to kill Danny. Danny’s dad tries to get them out but every time he opens the front door he’s just in another room in the house. He doesn’t want to hurt his wife. He’s trying so hard to not hurt her. But she casts something high level and permanently scarring not on him but on their child and he doesn’t have a choice.

But all Danny knows is his mom got killed in an attack by a sorcerer and he has a kind of cool birthmark. Whether or not that attack led to Danny losing a few brain cells, who’s to say? And while his dad is fine with him knowing sorcerers, Danny has to be a wizard or go to Mumple. Those are his options. But he’s going to try to do something because he’s not very good at suppressing his surges and he’s worried about hurting people.

[teabookgremlin]

hello lesbians and also others who follow me. you all know what fucking time it is lets fucking do a yellowjackets 02x06 recap

- first of all taivan in the sex ed scene hehe my girlies more pre crash moments of them PLEASE, i’d love a flashback to like their friendship/start of relationship

- lottie being horrified at misty showing up at the cult so real. imagine you’re just trying to vibe w/ your homoerotic friend then said friend’s other homoerotic friend shows up? a rough day

- “it honestly would’ve been better if she just had sex with him” SHAUNA MY BITCH WORST MOTHER OF THE YEAR

- mari saying she hopes shauna doesn’t die top five things not to say when your friend is about to give birth with no medical care in the middle of fucking no where

- nat was wounding me this episode, she has so much guilt and hates herself for having survived its just awful

- van rightly pissed about tai’s sleepwalking (especially kiss). she clearly does not want to be dragged into this and honestly valid but bc she’s van she’s gonna let herself be dragged in

- “you’re married taissa there’s no us anymore” everything van says to tai just leads me to want to know more about how their relationship ended bc clearly she’s not happy that it did

- misty being unable to focus on the birth bc of crystal was so sad, the bit where she saw the blood on her hands that was intercut with crystal’s death was great very nice scene

- lottie’s psychiatrist is so sketchy. like the encouragement of the visions is so bizarre and just bad vibes

- thinking that “it” influenced travis, nat, and misty to return to lottie’s life

- “it was part of us” “the god of that place, we did terrible things in it’s name” WHAT DID THEY FUCKING DO also furthering my agenda that the antler queen is it’s own spirit/entity rather than one of the girls

- tai trying to flirt with van BITCH YOUR WIFE IS IN THE HOSPITAL YOUR KID IS GOD KNOWS WHERE

- TAI PUTTING THE DEER BONE NECKLACE IN SHAUNA’S HAND YEAH THAT’S THE GOOD STUFF like it saved van maybe it will save shauna and i mean hey she didn’t die so

- jackie’s voice, i knew she’d have some sort of presence during birth and definitely liked this especially given it was in the dream

- “yeah the past where we thought being happy was something that was possible not what happened” OW?????

- van having given up on love </3 her relationship with tai really did a number on her huh. representation for the girlies that never get over anything ever

- lisa giving nat the fish and that whole conversation was so good their friendship is important to me

- jeff just fucking jamming to “fuck the police” was hilarious. yes they need to tune down the jeff this season but i did enjoy this bit

- this is not plot related but honestly so glad the baby did not survive bc those few minutes of baby crying were making me insane i cannot handle the sound of babies crying (one of many reasons i will never have children lol)

- loved loved loved shauna’s monologue to creepy cop man, just saying out loud that literally her whole life is how it is because of guilt just UGH melanie did amazingly (as always)

- dream lottie being weird with the baby so fun so good “we need to feed” —> “he needs to feed”

- callie continuing to be so proud of herself about lying to the cops this is her season for real

- i should’ve known the baby was doomed the second it started to nurse like that and shauna being so loving to it were my real red flags that something was weird

- “if you see any barrels of kool aid powder in there consider me on call for an extraction” van i love you. also her being like lets leave and just go to ihop or something

- misty asking if taivan is back together she’s so real for that

- the moment of van seeing lottie and lottie seeing that they’re all there ugh i cannot wait to see the interactions between them all next week

- OK dream baby eating time: my favorite part was nat, the way she was wiping the blood from her mouth when she saw shauna, the guilt in her eyes, just perfect. also ben being the only other one who looked fully human/guilty in the scene. and then the rest of them being so animalistic i just loved it. bummed we didn’t get real baby eating but this is a good compromise i think

- shauna saying “why can’t you hear him crying” was so fucking heartbreaking sophie nelisse needs all the awards. i did not think i would be satisfied with the baby being stillborn but i loved the way they did it. i do hope that next episode we do see the body, specifically for one reason and that is i want shauna to keep seeing jackie in the baby. like she looks at it once and sees jackie’s eyes, next look it has her nose, etc. maybe even give it some sort of animal features at some point. i just want her to not be able to look at the corpse and see a baby. i want her to look at it and see jackie and her own guilt. next week’s episode is called “burial” so i’m assuming they will be disposing of the body and i want shauna to look at it as it’s being dispose of and just see jackie laying there instead. do you see my vision? i think it would be very fun. either that or they actually eat the baby. also we better get some placenta eating next episode bc not eating it would be a huge waste

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 30/12/2023 (Christmas Garbage)

Content warning: Brief references to murder, racism and unlawful sex acts. Merry Christmas!

Yawn, it’s a Christmas episode. It’s not even Christmas anymore - the tracking week included Christmas Day. “Last Christmas” is #1, of course it is. Skip this one is my personal advice. Christmas Christmas Christmas. REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

So, there are a few new arrivals today, but it’s also a week of mostly just festive music the week after festive music mattered so I’ll have a bit of a different approach, one I’m sure will be made up for with next week’s: Less than a fifth of this week’s chart are non-Christmas songs, I’m going to be mostly in chart nerd form rather than expressing much of my opinion, which is kind of how this series has been moving towards lately? Next episode will be the rush of new and old songs thanks to the end-of-year gains and Christmas collapse, so that will be more of a classic episode when it comes to dishing out intros and opinions on different genres and artists, the usual. For now, well, let’s just run down what we have here. Rounding out the top five are Brenda at #5, Ed and Elton at #4, Mariah at #3 and Sam bloody Ryder still hogging up #2.

Let’s continue with rounding up the Christmas songs. The songs entering the UK Top 75 for the first time this year in this week, but have already entered the top 75 previously, are “Cozy Little Christmas” by Katy Perry at #70, “Mistletoe and Wine” by Cliff Richard at #69, “Please Come Home for Christmas” by the Eagles at #68, “Santa’s Coming for Us” by Sia at #66, “Santa Baby” by Kylie Minogue at #64, “Christmas Wrapping” by the Waitresses at #62 (one of my personal favourites) and “My Only Wish (This Year)” by Britney Spears at a new peak of #59, “Come on Home for Christmas” by George Ezra at #56, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas” by Perry Como at #54, “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town” by Bruce Springsteen at another new peak of #47, and “Christmas Tree Farm” by Taylor Swift at #46… and speaking of new peaks, “What Christmas Means to Me” by Stevie Wonder at #76, “Jingle Bells” by Meghan Trainor at #48, “Santa Baby” by Eartha Kitt at #44, “Little Saint Nick” by the Beach Boys at #43, “A Holly Jolly Christmas” by Burl Ives at #40, “The Christmas Song” by Nat King Cole at #34, “Winter Wonderland” by Laufey at #26, “Sleigh Ride” by the Ronettes at #20 and “DJ Play a Christmas Song” by Cher at #18, as well as Jorja Smith’s cover of “Stay Another Day” at #16 and “Let it Snow” (three times) by Dean Martin at #13 and finally, it took a while but “Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande reached the top 10 at #8.

I questioned the point in listing the notable dropouts - songs exiting the UK Top 75, which is what I cover, after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40 - since they’ll all be back next week but hey, if I can list a bunch of Christmas songs by dead people in succession, why not secular songs by those very much still with us? With that said, we bid adieu to that terrible cover of “I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday” by “Creator Universe”, and then bid a probably temporary farewell to “Stop Giving Me Advice” by Lyrical Lemonade, Jack Harlow and Dave, “You’re Losing Me” (From the Vault) by Taylor Swift, “Surround Sound” by JID featuring 21 Savage and Baby Tate, “Lose Control” by Teddy Swims, “exes” by Tate McRae, “Northern Attitude” by Noah Kahan with Hozier on the duet version, “Runaway” by Ye featuring Pusha T, “Can’t Catch Me Now” and “vampire” by Olivia Rodrigo, “On My Love” by Zara Larsson and David Guetta, “Water” by Tyla, “Strangers” by Kenya Grace, “I Remember Everything” by Zach Bryan featuring Kacey Musgraves, “Cruel Summer” by Taylor Swift and finally, “Sprinter” by Dave and Central Cee. So, yeah, big bloodbath this week but one that involves a revival for the next.

So, time to “review”, isn’t it? We have some new arrivals, most of which are Christmas songs, let’s trodge through them.

NEW ARRIVALS

#74 - “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” - Dean Martin

Produced by Lee Gillette

So, firstly: I’m going to be getting the vast majority of my info from the horse’s mouth, so to speak, the Official Charts Company’s archive: it may sometimes be inaccurate or awkward in its formatting but I know charts well enough to notice when something doesn’t seem right - for the most part - or when it contradicts with Wikipedia or other sources. You can find the vast majority of this info elsewhere, I’m not doing intense research, but hey, it’s good to have a little backstory and that’s what most of this episode will be: stories. We start with a fictional one, that of Rudolph’s.

Now he may be a tradition now but he’s more recent than you think, pitched in 1939 by a retailer in New York known as Robert L. May. He’s a newly-created Christmas character that is a bit of wholesome children’s content with a good message, insanely basic character design and therefore incredibly intuitive marketing strategy. The song came 10 years after the character, and whilst Gene Autry probably recorded the most well-known version, it’s never charted in the UK. In fact, Dean Martin’s version, which debuts this year at #74 - it’s its first week in the top 100 even - is the first version to chart, despite American success of versions by Autry, Bing Crosby and even the Chipmunks and the Temptations, both inspiring 60s vocal groups. This 1959 cover from A Winter Romance, the same album with “Let it Snow” on it, is a completely fine, very cliché Christmas-sounding tune with a weird German accent for Santa’s dialogue. Whilst it may be somewhat surprising the song’s not charted, I do understand. I sang “Rudolph” as a child in assemblies at school, sure, but I’m a much later generation than a lot of the people listening to Christmas music this time of year in this country, and it’s always felt like a specifically American export, especially that stop-motion TV special that may have re-popularised the tune. The only other “Rudolph” song to chart is Chuck Berry’s 1958 classic, “Run Rudolph Run”, which peaked at #36 in 1964 and is currently at #49. When it peaked, “I Want to Hold Your Hand” by The Beatles, another rock-and-roll classic, was #1. Mr. Berry of course would later go on to film women peeing, so maybe someone should make a festive rock and roll remix to “Ignition”.

#72 - “Carol of the Bells” - John Williams

Produced by John Williams

Spotify actually credits more than OCC does here: John Williams is listed here as he’s the only performer listed on the chart itself but on streaming services, the lead artist is actually Mykola Dmytrovych Leontovych, the Ukrainian composer for the song, originally arranged as a very non-Christmas piece “Shchedryk”, which I guess is still about Winter as when translated, one can read lyrics about how a swallow flies into a home promising wealth for the upcoming spring. It’s connected to a folk holiday in Ukraine celebrated on New Year’s Eve known as “Malanka”, somewhat similar to Christmas in its festivities but with a depth of its own traditions unique to eastern Europe, and it wasn’t even the intended holiday of Leontovych’s original composition, first performed in Kyiv in 1916. An American composer, importantly one descending from the Rusyns of modern-day Ukraine, heard the composition, which made its way to New York in the 1920s, and wrote English lyrics relating to Christmas though, interestingly, Peter J. Wilhousky is nowhere to be seen in the artist credits for this version, being relegated to a writing credit on Spotify.

There are many versions of this song but by far the most popular is the rendition by John Williams, an icon in film scoring who arranged the song alongside a children’s choir performance for the 1990 film Home Alone, which has aged pretty well - mostly because it’s practically just slapstick of a kid torturing these two idiots - and has become a Christmas classic, particularly in eastern Europe, where its release lined up pretty nicely with more lenient restrictions on western films, so it became one of the first western family films seen by many children beyond the Iron Curtain just as it fell, which does make the use of Leontovych’s composition come full circle in a way. Personally, I’ve always found this song a tad eerie and intense, but Williams’ version of “Carol of the Bells” is the only one to have charted in the UK, and it first reached the top 100 in 2018. Additionally, the main theme from Home Alone, “Somewhere in My Memory”, spent one week at #69 in 2019. The #1 that week was “Sweet but Psycho” by Ava Max, and John Williams has charted a few times with singles and many, many other times on the albums chart, for his work in film scoring. Last year, the Home Alone soundtrack made its very first appearance there at #100, and this year, probably assisting with the new peak of this song, the actor who played the boy Kevin McCallister, Macaulay Culkin, received a star in the Hollywood Walk of Fame and the film itself was inducted into the Library of US Congress’ National Film Registry.

#71 - “Entrapreneur” - Central Cee

Produced by Chris Rich and Caleb Bryant

Alright, let’s cut the Christmas crap for a second as we do have a new song from Cench charting, and whilst Jeezy has made that awkward pun before, this is still a completely fine, maybe even pretty good, drill track with a very energetic performance from Cench here and despite some very odd mixing that makes the percussion feel stiff and the bass less present than it should be, I still think it hits hard amidst the soaring strings and keys at the back of the mix that is surprisingly dynamic at times, it almost feels like it’s going for a cloud rap vibe but instead of fully submerging the listener, Cench submerges any need for the instrumental by bringing a lot of charisma, some funny lines and a whole lot of triumphant flexing that given the motivation in his voice here and some genuinely likeable lyrics, actually feels pretty deserved. Sure, he sticks to the same flow, but it’s one that works and seems to serve his best interests lyrically as he can fit all of his wordy bars into it, so I’d say this is ultimately a success.

#67 - “Deck the Halls” - Nat King Cole

Produced by Lee Gillette

Another Lee Gillette production in the same week, huh, I guess the guy was the go-to for soulful Christmas tracks. I’m never going to complain about hearing Nat King Cole’s rich voice… except for this song, misspelled as “Deck the Hall” on Spotify, where it feels like everything’s a bit too fast for the guy, I almost feel bad. It’s a very spritzy and string-heavy song that just ends up too chintzy to give Nat King Cole any time. Hell, I’ll be honest - this one sucks, it’s way too busy and barely anyone could pull off this dead-on-arrival fa-la-la-la song anyway unless you’re a cartoon character but I haven’t seen the Animaniacs chart in my lifetime so this is a carol I’ve never preferred. As for this song’s chart history, this is its second week on the chart, and only this version has ever charted to my knowledge, debuting at #84 last year. That’s not to say people haven’t recorded and performed this song that aren’t named Nat King Cole because by God, they have, though not nearly as much as a song we’ll be talking about in a few paragraphs’ time. As for the original composition, it dates back to the traditional Welsh carol “Nos Galan”, which is actually about New Year’s Eve and both its tune and lyrics were written around the 1700s, but English lyrics by Scotsman Thomas Oliphant in 1862 brought us the carol we know today, so this one is a bit more historied than Rudolph, especially with popularising the now universal phrase of “’tis the season”. I don’t even like the slower, original Welsh version of this, it’s just a pestering little song to me. Never done well to my knowledge. Next.

#63 - “This Christmas” - Donny Hathaway

Produced by Ric Powell and Donny Hathaway

This is a pretty weird one because yes, this version of the song has never charted in the UK’s top 100 before. That much is true… but I have reviewed it, and in 2020 in fact, so dig up that old episode, right? Well, maybe not, because the only reason I reviewed it is because a Jess Glynne version charted that year, and it was an Amazon original version, that I ended up comparing to the original, one of my favourite ever Christmas songs, in complete despair and almost disgust. Hathaway has a buttery but unabashedly joyful voice, he came up with that iconic gleeful horn line and that clever, sleek title-drop in the verses, and like I said in 2020, lest we forget the bongos. It’s a detailed, beautiful song that was first released in 1970, with the B-side “Be There”, which is probably why OCC questionably lists this song as “This Christmas Be There”. Said B-side is the other holiday single tacked onto his self-titled album and whilst not as catchy or canonical, it is more of a melodramatic tune with just as many intricacies, it’s really an underrated gem to be honest. It took a while for “This Christmas” to latch on, only really resurging in 1991 when included on a reissued Christmas compilation record. It didn’t chart on the US Billboard Hot 100 until 2020 and has finally made it to the UK’s singles chart in its original form. The malformed Jess Glynne butchering made it to #3 in 2021, and “Last Christmas” was #1 that week too. It briefly returned in 2021 but only peaked at #52 that year and has not appeared again so I’m assuming the UK has come to their senses and made the correct decision about which one to enjoy from this year onward.

#60 - “Jingle Bells” - Frank Sinatra

Produced by Voyle Gilmore

It is a disgrace that Meghan Trainor’s version outcharts Frankie, but there is some solace in knowing Trainor’s version may be like Jess Glynne’s “This Christmas” and end up as a one-year-only success. It’s not like it matters though, “Jingle Bells” may be the most-recorded song in human history, and is definitely at least one of them, even though it was never explicitly about Christmas… though the song was originally titled “This One Horse Open Sleigh” so part of me thinks that James Lord Pierpoint, the song’s writer and Confederate soldier - yikes - had at least Father Christmas in mind when composing the jingle. Pierpoint even wrote music for the losing side in the Civil War and ended up on the opposing side of his father in the Union Army - Jesus, the less we know about the guy who wrote the song, the better, what a loser. Anyway, like 70,000 Goddamn people have dashed through the snow to get to the studio and record this track, so it’s safe to say the song has reached beyond its obscure writer at this point. It’s been broadcast from space, for God’s sake.

Sinatra, or more accurately Gilmore, extends the song with an unnecessary spelling section from a choir, but otherwise the 1948 recording is a lot of fun with a classic, swingin’ performance from Frankie as one would expect, especially when he has some fun with the cadence of the track, even if he doesn’t do it all too much. The song is such a staple that it’s been implemented into other Christmas standards for years, and not just “Jingle Bell Rock”, which I consider so separate to be its own song so I’ll wait for another cover of that next year before I get into that chart history, but also it’s a motif heard in Bing Crosby’s “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas”, the guitar… solo(?) in Nat King Cole’s “The Christmas Song” and even Joni Mitchell’s “River”. As for the original, I mean, it’s been covered by everybody from Herb Alpert to the Beatles to the Barenaked Ladies to Barney the Dinosaur to Eric Clapton to Gladys Knight to Pearl Jam to the Wiggles to CBeebies’ Goddamn Alphablocks but the versions that charted are as follows.

The first version of the original “Jingle Bells” to chart in the modern chart was… a reggae version by Judge Dread, who if you know anything about him, is not exactly a wholesome Christmas artist, and of course, it’s actually a vulgar, laddish version using the melody to talk about having sex on Christmas with some girl. I’ve talked about Judge Dread on this blog before in my special episode from 2021 about songs banned by the BBC, in which I included a lot more of his story. To be completely honest, his version is a lot of fun, especially with how carelessly he delivers it all, and it peaked at #64 for two weeks in 1978, during which “Mary’s Boy Child / Oh My Lord” by Boney M. was #1. It’s currently at #51. In 1981, a novelty version by the Hysterics that lasts for only less than a minute and a half, peaked at #44 for three weeks. Subtitled “(Laughing All the Way)”, it is simply a guy laughing obnoxiously to the tune of the song as a cartoon-sounding pop-rock version plays under him. It is profoundly stupid. “Don’t You Want Me” by the Human League was #1 during these three very cursed weeks in British history. In 2005, whoever the Hell was behind the Crazy Frog mashed up the song with “U Can’t Touch This”, which apparently warrants it a separate Wikipedia page, and it peaked at #5 whilst Nizlopi’s “JCB”, a personal nostalgic song for me, was #1. Another EDM version by Basshunter peaked at #35 in 2008, when Alexandra Burke’s cover of “Hallelujah” was #1. It’s safe to say that both 2000s Eurodance versions of “Jingle Bells” are cheap and ridiculous. Last year, Sam Ryder’s Amazon-exclusive version from an Amazon-exclusive Christmas film charted at #41 - “Last Christmas” was of course at #1 that week - and this week, we see both versions by Meghan Trainor and Frank Sinatra charting. He originally recorded it in 1948 but it only started charting two weeks ago. Oh, and of course, Batman smells and Robin laid an egg.

#58 - “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” - Mariah Carey

Produced by Walter Afanasieff and Mariah Carey

Mr. President, a second - okay, more accurately, third - Mariah Carey Christmas song has hit the canon… and I have no idea why you’d listen to this slightly-oversung, dull 1994 rendition over the Darlene Love original, which has a slightly similar story to “This Christmas” though arguably more organic. It wasn’t a single when added to Phil Spector’s Christmas compilation album - he would later murder a woman, of course - but the track, released in 1963 and featuring Cher on backing vocals, who would later cover the song as a duet with the surprisingly-still-alive (especially if she knew Spector, sheesh) Ms. Love, 60 years later - yes, that’s this year - on her own Christmas album. Sadly, that one didn’t chart but Carey’s instead. Love’s version gained popularity simply because in the late 80s, talk-show host David Letterman just liked the song and continued to invite her year upon year to perform it on his show, which is adorable.

In the UK, the original version didn’t chart until after Bublé’s - sigh - which didn’t last, peaking at #47 for two weeks in 2011 and briefly coming back in the bottom-feeder region in 2015. When it peaked, the #1 was “Cannonball” by Little Mix, and then “Wherever You Are” by the Military Wives and Gareth Malone, that year’s Christmas #1. Love’s version first charted here in 2017, though her other Christmas song, “All Alone on Christmas”, featured on the Home Alone 2 soundtrack - starring a man who I’m pretty sure James Lord Pierpoint would have voted for - peaked at #31 in 1992, during which the #1 was predictably Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You”. “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” would eventually peak at #22 in 2018 and is currently charting at #31, whilst Carey’s version reaches a new peak this year after first charting in 2021, and with that, we are done with 2023’s Christmas episodes of REVIEWING THE CHARTS. Also, did you know U2 had a version of this? …Why?

Conclusion

This wasn’t really a conventional episode, was it? I can’t really fairly give Best of the Week out, or the worst for that matter, because these are songs I hold very few notable opinions on and spent most of the time just talking about their origins and their chart success. With that said, screw “Deck the Halls”, thank you for reading and I’ll see you next… year!