#sex and power in asian dramas

[waitmyturtles]

Hello,

Some of your Only Friends meta sparked a question for me: You've referred to the impact of purity culture on how the boys (particularly Boston) are viewed both within the show and by fans watching. I was raised evangelical Christian (don't worry, it went poorly), so my associations with purity culture are quite specific to promise rings, abstinence-only education, and that sort of thing. However, you seem to be working from a much more expansive view that includes purity culture's downstream effects such as slut-shaming, heteronormativity, pressure to perform monogamy, etc. (and in at least one case you also linked it to colonialism).

Since your definition of purity culture is so much broader than mine has traditionally been, I'm curious: What exactly do you mean when you use the term, and what are the parameters of purity culture from your perspective?

I've been kind of squinting interestedly at your usage and trying to reverse-engineer your definition from context and it finally occurred to me that I can just ask you lol

(also I know tone can be hard to gauge on the internet so just to be safe: I'm in no way trying to start a weird fight about the meaning of the term; I'm just interested in what you're saying and seeking to understand it better)

Thank you!

Bonebag

HELLO @sorry-bonebag! WHAT A QUESTION! I don't think this is weird at all -- I think it's the fascinating basis of a conversation.

I'm not sure that I'm going to have a central, singular answer for you regarding how I view and/or define "purity culture." I think, as I generalize (massive emphasis on my generalizations in this answer) society's lack of acceptance for open sexual conduct and engagement, that we're dealing with a lot of elements of how power is managed and distributed among humans. For example, if we roll back to, say, the creation of Christianity as a religion, we have to ask: WHY does the religion have what it says about sex? Controlling sex means controlling people -- it means controlling who gets born, and who gets to pair with each other. Controlling sex means controlling behavior, and creating submissiveness to a religion allows a smaller group of people massive power over larger groups. Christianity (as an example) is a modern expression of a primal biological urge that humans have to create groups and gain power for survival. So, first and foremost, to judge someone else for having sex in modern times gives that judge a sense of power over someone else.

In a judgement against sex, and people who have unabashed sex -- let's use Khai from Theory of Love and Boston as examples -- what assumptions/judgements/behaviors are leveraged as we condemn these men (and women, and non-binary individuals) for having lots of sex? From my lens, we have the following prejudices playing into this:

Misogyny Internalized homophobia (on the part of the person being judged) Externalized homophobia (on the part of the people doing the judging) Biases against nontheistic people Jealousy (for the ease in which some people can come into sex) Competition

and so many more. All of these prejudices can and ARE leveraged to judge people for having sex, because judging people for having sex gives the judges power in greater society, as greater society ultimately looks down on the practice of having lots of sex.

I think a fantastic example of this is when Sand was talking about Boston to Ray in this past weekend's episode. Why the hell would Sand even have any business talking about Boston to Ray? Because condemning Boston's "slutty" behavior will give Sand a sense of power for Ray to acknowledge.

By calling another person a "slut" -- a person like Sand gains an upper moralistic and ethical hand. All while Sand is the person that Ray is sleeping with as Ray cheats on Mew. Calling someone ELSE a slut allows Sand (and, let's be honest, Ray, too!) to escape accountability for his own questionable behavior.

And that's what I'm calling out in my posts, especially my Morning After meta from yesterday. If a meta writer is condemning Boston for having sex, or is interpreting that SandRay have only slept together once, to fulfill some kind of shipper fantasy -- I'm going to write about those judgements in my posts, because I don't think those judgements are fair to a show that was very open and honest, at its premiere, about its premise that it would be digging into issues regarding sex and toxicity. I think "purity culture," as we're calling it, is a means by which the fandom wants to control the sexual behavior of Asian queer men. Much of the fandom here on Tumblr is Western, and as an Asian-American, it also gives me the jibbles that a Western audience would want to control with power, the behavior of Asian queer males, a much smaller demographic than a wider Western audience. That's where I bring a colonialist accusation to the table. To me, all of this keeps coming back to power. (I write about this in that post that talks about colonialism. Shipping really worries me. To force two young Asian males into a relationship fantasy -- and then to push that fantasy towards monogamy and a restriction of sex. I mean. Whoa. I very much see colonialism and racism in there, as non-Asians push Asians to behave in prescribed ways.)

This conversation circles back in part to the exhortation I made at the start of OF's premiere, that as much of the fandom as possible should watch Gay OK Bangkok. Jojo Tichakorn's and Aof Noppharnach's GOKB depicted Asian queer males in sex, love, pain, and careers. In this show, there were no condemnations for slutty behavior. (I mean, Pom expected Arm to fall in and out of love, but Pom wasn't being judgmental about it -- he ended up being there for his friend in a hilar way. Anyway!) A specter of morality and ethics, the Greek chorus or peanut gallery of chirping about not having sex did NOT permeate the show. It was just -- Asian gay males living their lives.

Only Friends is bringing up sooooo much about how the characters within the show, and the fandom external to the show, think about, talk about, and judge sex. Having these conversations, for me, is lifeblood. As an Asian-American, I WISH I could have had these open conversations about sex when I was a growing teen. Alas. The culture in which I grew up -- one that valued virginity, purity, and one that condemned sexual experimentation -- prevented me from being open in conversation about sex. I'm thankful that I grew up more and more independently as I got older, and that I had the intellectual capacity to understand and process when I was being judged, myself, for having sex. Because we've all been there, those of us who have had and enjoyed sex. We've been condemned for it, judged for it, every single one of us. We've been made to feel guilty about it.

And even as someone like Boston gets JUDGED, in every episode of OF, for HAVING lots of sex -- I SO appreciate his existence as a character and a narrative device, that he exists as a mirror for OTHER characters, like Ray/Atom/Sand/even Mew/even Top -- who do not hold themselves accountable for either similar behaviors, and/or for behaviors that are far more questionable than simple having sex. Top violated Mew's boundaries in episode 8 -- flat out. And Top's not been held accountable for a second. Top still has power, he still has an upper hand.

This was a long answer, @sorry-bonebag, but TL;DR: POWER. Power and accountability are two elements of humanity that I am forever fascinated by, and I love that we have a brilliant showmaker in Jojo to help highlight this in his art.

I very much hope I touched upon a kind of answer for your question, but at least you got to read some of my deeper thoughts on this topic! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS CONVERSATION!

[neuroticbookworm]

List of Jane's best mentor/boss moments from The Trainee episode 3

aka the list of things that make him so irresistible to me that I am going feral on main on a Sunday afternoon

Jane admonished Ryan for being late and missing the production transportation, but he did not linger on it and immediately put him to work by giving him clear and concise tasks: keep the walkie talkie with you, keep the extras on standby and put your phone on silent

When he saw that Ryan's shoelaces were becoming a recurring problem, he just got down on his knees and solved it, giving us a little glimpse into his thoughts on seniority in the workplace and how ageist ego has no place in it

He was extra patient with Ryan when his phone continued to ring on set (@lurkingshan, @twig-tea, @shortpplfedup and I were screaming our heads off at Ryan and yet Jane continued to tolerate him)

Noticing Ryan's hesitation and offering to show him how to use the walkie talkie without him asking

Trusting the rest of the interns to run B-set

When the mean extra auntie tried to pull "I'm elder than him" nonsense, Jane shut that shit down, HARDDDDD. This is such an important lesson in Asian workplaces, because the social norms around age and the respect it demands can drown young people who enter the workforce. Jane spelling it out for Ryan that his age should not hinder him from doing the job was a powerful moment and one I have rarely seen in Asian dramas, to be honest. I think this is the moment the sex-o-meter caught on fire

He was open to ideas from his intern even during a high-stress situation and even implemented Ryan's idea of using one of the support service team members as an extra to finish up the shoot! If Ryan doesn't buy him a Best Boss Ever mug, I'm gonna be so mad at him

He covered for Pie and took the blame himself when the client expressed dissatisfaction (read: scolded everyone like children). He shielded her from the real-world-shitstorm-stress that would 100% be Too Much for an intern to deal with, while also teaching the interns the importance of teamwork and not throwing people under the bus

After wrapping up, Jane made sure Ryan did not leave the set feeling inadequate from his mistakes, and instead encouraged him to see himself as a cog in a bigger machine. Everyone's contribution is important, and no one in a team can work completely alone.

And finally, he told Ryan that he would not hesitate to apologize to him in the future if he makes a mistake. Because, say it with him now...

Jane is extremely competent and is a compassionate mentor, which makes him so fucking sexy that my braincells are constantly at risk of spontaneous combustion

[hana-no-seiiki]

A Quick question My beloved god~!

How do you feel about pathetic yanderes? Like pathetic yanderes that has power (wealth, influence and all that shit) but acts pathetically towards their darling?

Cuz even tho I'm a bottom (obviously cuz i can't pull off being a top ;-;) pathetic yanderes just bring out a different side of me

I would love to see them beg and cry and it's just so adorable??? Cuz pathetic yanderes are oddly endearing even tho they're fucking pathetic and disgusting

UGH I EAT THAT SHIT UP THEY'RE SO SO SO CUTE THAT I WANNA MAKE THEM CRY EVEN MORE!!

(You can ignore this if you feel like it's kinda too much lol and apologies for being kinda redundant)

also no not cute but

Breathtakingly Adorable~ <3

- Your Junie~

PATHETIC/RICH YANDERE SCENARIO (GENDER NEUTRAL READER & YANDERE)

“PRETTY PINK PRINCESS : GOOD FOR YOU”

⚠️ By pressing the Keep Reading button you’re confirming that you’re above 18 and consent to reading dark content.

A pathetic, rich yandere? Isn’t that just me— (also im just gonna ignore that last part for my wellbeing-)

Pathetic Yanderes can be a top. Usually if you’re from a rich (asian) family there’s just a lot of drama. Like you’d think everyone loves eachother so much and everything is peaceful but once the family dinner ends the treachery begins. So they’d have to be confident, assertive and sociable to survive that kind of environment.

You know the kind that’s super headstrong whenever they’re with anyone else but you.

Your ask kinda reminds me of my ocs Crisanto Salvador and Isabel Labrador (the dors really do be the biggest masochists of Midnight Darling). While Isabel is a hard sub that’s a brat, Crisanto doesn’t even hide how down horrid he is for MC. He fell in love with her because she threw away a Birkin Bag he used to court her.

Boy has got connections 💅🏻 ✨

He can get you anywhere and everywhere. He can also get you out from any and every situation you might not want to find yourself in.

But yes back to Pathetic + Rich Yandere! I can see them ordering all manners or surveillance. They’ll take the time to survey your routine (or have someone else do it) and plan out what to do from then on. If you go outside regularly then they’ll have “bodyguards” set, if you’re more of a homebody then they’ll have cameras installed in every corner of your house whenever no one’s at home.

They’re your biggest career hyper. They will get you to whatever position you want in life. While Pathetic Yan will be practicing their at home spouse skills just for you.

(Ignore this if you’re ace) The biggest challenge however is practicing how they’re supposed to satisfy you in bed. Making do with someone else is an absolute no no. Besides, you might have a different preference entirely.

So oh well, what else could they do but kidnap you?

What do you mean they could have courted you first? They couldn’t even fathom breathing the same air as you for too long in fear that they may have a heartattack. This was the only way, you see!

But don’t worry, they’ll be the best partner you could ever look for. They just have practice not getting so aroused when you look straight at them all the time. It’s hard to focus on feeding you like that after all!

Pathetic Yandere loves to wear pink fight me. Pastels everywhere. They’re massive Rococo/Baroque interior design fanatics. Stickers are everywhere. They have a whole ass bookshelf dedicated to their sticker collection.

In bed they have cute ribbons for bondage prepared. It doesn’t do much by way of keeping you still, but boy does it look so adorable on you!

At least one person is gonna be full to the brim by the end of this, might as well make the act aesthetic.

Noisy as hell when having sex, they just have to voice how they feel about you, yknow? Shutting them up is close to impossible. And of course, tears! Lots of it. One might say they kinda look like they’re in pain sometimes from how much they mewl.

Their bed is the softest one you’ve ever been on. You find out that it’s from one of those high end Swedish brands that make em out of horse hair.

You’re tempted to stay just for that reason.

“ Never leave me okay? I promise I’ll be good for you ♡ ”

©️ hana.no.seiiki - yun | 2023

[lurkingshan]

10 Things I Love About Khun Chai

I did it, y’all. I watched my first lakorn, and let me tell you, I had a fucking fantastic time doing it. Now that’s not a blanket endorsement of the genre, because I understand Khun Chai aka To Sir, With Love is pretty unique, particularly in that it’s a period queer love story with a happy ending. But as a different kind of Thai drama than any I’d previously seen, it was truly a great watch.

It has some flaws, sure. It’s a soap opera, so melodrama, repetitive story beats, overdramatic acting, and slow pacing are par for the course. If you go in understanding that, you’ll be fine. And the episodes are long af but don’t be shy about increasing the playback speed - I watched a lot of it at 1.5x and it was perfectly smooth. Now that I’ve finished it, I think the time investment was totally worth it (@bengiyo my final rec - worth going back to finish! It worked better for me when I broke it up in chunks of 2-3 episodes at a time).

Without further ado, the top ten reasons I loved it:

1. TIAN MY BELOVED

Look at him. Just look at his beautiful traumatized face!! I hold that it’s impossible to watch this entire show and not come out absolutely loving this man. He is so believably flawed but at his core he is good. He is generous. He is loyal. He is brave. And he looks very good in a three piece suit.

Honestly I could do a whole top ten list just about Tian but let’s move on and give some love to the rest of the show.

2. Did I mention this is a PERIOD ROMANCE??!! Something we get so precious little of in bl. I asked @absolutebl a while back if they knew of any other Thai period bls, and this was the entire list. So good thing it’s excellent!

The show is set in the 1930s and 40s in Japanese-occupied Thailand, and it centers on a powerful Thai-Chinese family (currently leading a cooperative partnership of five families) and the power struggle over who will be the heir (Succession, but make it Asian and queer). The show digs into really interesting family structure, politics, and class struggle stuff.

3. The brotherly bond is unmatched and undefeated. The plot centers on two brothers, Tian and Yang, who love each other so much, like I cannot emphasize enough how willing these brothers are to protect and die for each other. If someone was shooting at them they would both try to dive in front of the bullet. Their bond is so touching and provides an emotional through line when the plot gets wacky.

4. The classic soap opera plots are truly brilliant, all your favorite tropes are here. This show has everything - family secrets, nefarious schemes, murderous maids, mystical poisons, faen fatales, even sex pollen! As I believe @ginnymoonbeam put it at one point - everything is happening so much all the time. It’s truly a delightful romp, especially after the halfway point when the plot machinations really kick into high gear.

5. The queer love story is the main romance and emotional heart of the show. There are actually two romances in this show - each of the brothers gets a love interest. And both of them are lovely. But rather than the typical move where a het drama features a queer side pairing, here the entire story is driven by Tian’s sexual identity, the burden placed on him to keep it a secret, and how increasingly impossible that becomes once he meets Jiu. Over the course of this show, we get to watch Tian fall in love and finally live his truth and see how that changes him. It’s truly beautiful, and the romance between Tian and Jiu is so sweet (and a bit racier than I expected - the show does not shy away from the sexual aspect of this relationship). The romance between Yang and Pin is also very sweet - they are adorable tbh - but entirely secondary.

6. Every frame of this show is absolutely gorgeous. The scenery is lush, the costumes are beautiful, the tailoring is impeccable, the hair and makeup never misses. It’s truly a feast for the eyes.

7. There are so many good female characters in this show, y’all! Tian and Yang have not one but 4 or 5 different mother figures. They are all flawed, complex, and a little nuts. They get up to so much trouble and drive a lot of the plot with their scheming, hijinks, and prolific wielding of murderous sparkle dust (don’t ask, you have to see it to understand). Pin, Tian’s would be fiancé turned sister-in-law, is a total sweetheart, but she’s also smart and fierce with a steel core and not afraid to tell her man when he’s being stupid. There’s even a lady boss at the head of one of the five families.

8. Relatedly, there is so much complex family drama in this show, and so many interesting dysfunctional parental relationships. @waitmyturtles you will have a field day when you finally get to watch this. Both brothers have fraught relationships with their various parent figures, for very different reasons. The various relationships and resentments that form between the wives and the sons in a polygamous family unit (did I mention that yet? there are three wives in the mix here and the brothers have different biological moms) are absolutely fascinating.

9. The resolution to the succession plot and ultimate defeat of the Big Bad was so satisfying. I won’t get into spoiler territory, but let me just say that the characters went through a lot together and to see the way they ultimately had to come together and let go of their baggage to survive was very cool. It felt earned.

10. IT ENDS WITH A BIG OLD HEAP OF GAY DOMESTIC BLISS!!! I will get into spoiler territory here because you deserve to know that if you put in the time to watch this show you will be rewarded with a very happy couple forming a family unit and living peacefully on their own terms. I was so pleased with this ending, I can’t even tell you. The final scenes made me cry real tears, I was so touched. And they even put a literal rainbow in the sky at the end. A literal rainbow! Come on!

Watch it, friends! It’s worth your time.

[rinadragomir]

15 Reasons to read Sword Catcher

1 - DRAMA, no one stopped Cassie so she had an opportunity to show off. Royal intrigues, criminal secrets, whispers of forbidden magic which is about to return

2 - bisexuals💙💜lgbtqia took over this book and refuse to leave, good for them

3 - perfect multilevel world-building, CC spent lots of time exploring historical materials, complicated fantasy series and it shows. Makes your brain work, which is always a plus

4 - Will/Jem vibes between Kel/Conor🥺

5 - enemies to lovers to enemies to— they're driving me INSANE

6 - POC characters, two of the main characters have brown skin, the queen has black skin, lots of characters whose appearance is probably inspired by people from the Middle East. Asian killer girl, my beloved🫶✨

7 - Political games, if you loved Game of Thrones/ House of the Dragon/ ARCANE, you'd love this one too!

8 - A high delusional society coexisting with a much poorer majority. Provocative grotesque parties/ fancy balls VS Brutally beautiful criminal city/ local dance holidays with magical roots

9 - The main girl is apparently Cordelia/Catarina's lovechild. She came here to show her dangerous dance skills and heal you🤗. Everyone is scared of her and she's scared of her weird dreams about sex & apocalypse🤔

10 - Main character being a sweet silly cinnamon roll...but like "randomly criminal whore" edition. He's either too smart or too silly & horny, no in the middle. Always kind🌻savage little marshmallow that needs to be held and protected

11 - Glittery outfits, Bridgerton X Euphoria? Marie Antoinette X Great Gatsby?

12 - Magic, necromancy 🔮🪦 Magic was common centuries ago until it became too powerful and destructive, which is yay for me, but for some reason, no-no for everyone else. The last battle between enemies/lovers and boom👁️👁️the land was destroyed, magic is gone. Which is what legends say. BUT IS IT GONE THOUGH🤨

13 - "I know we've just tried to kill each other/threatened to kill, I know this is our third meeting, but what about a kiss?👉👈" AND IT'S ABOUT AT LEAST TWO COUPLES

14 - You know that character, who's like mysterious✨ minor/third main character✨he lives in an emo mansion and feeds all stray kittens🫶and everyone who bothered him was killed brutally or disappeared under mysterious circumstances for some reason...oh these silly little coincidences☺️

15 - because I ask you🥺

[astralleywright]

people will come up with any excuse to hate imodna. i was here when "imodna has a toxic power dynamic because laudna is old enough to be her mom" was a legitimate complaint. a singular someone could headcanon laudna as chinese and draw her in hanfu and the usual suspects would say "ugh those imodnas think that all asian women are magical witches!"

yeah, this is unfortunately just kind of a thing with big ships, and especially big f/f ships, and especially in the cr fandom, where ppl use 5 year old drama to excuse treating a large portion of the queer women and f/f shippers in the fandom with open suspicion and disdain. not at all helped by the fact that imodna are actually interesting continue to have conflict and complexity after getting together instead of just being like. fluff and sex jokes. like some other cr relationships.

[olderthannetfic]

Having more fandom friends around my age/mindset (context: late 30s, rare fandoms, reads some nsfw but not the type to post about it a lot in my main account) might be nice. I ignored the fandom part of myself a long time due to my RL friends being shitty about it (I dumped the worst of them) and I'm trying to enjoy it more.

But I keep leaving comments on fic and art and don't get any reply, let alone a conversation or follow. When I do get a response, the person stops posting fic in that fandom shortly afterwards. In an earlier more active fandom, I would send requests to people (clearly open for requests!) and 99% of the time I'd be ignored, or they'd draw the request at a level clearly before their usual stuff then delete it because they didn't like it (their words).

I'm not writing anything inappropriate or critical? I try to make my comments more interesting than 'i love this write more thx', maybe they get too confusing and off-putting to read? It certainly isn't because my ship is too weird because even non-shippers ship my current OTP lmao

I am trying to be realistic about it, maybe they aren't replying because they don't have the energy, or they have a life and they can't reply to the comment immediately and forget to, or they moved on, or they think I'm a tit which is totally fine?

The issue is it keeps happening, it's depressing, and the follows I do get are people in the same fandom who only like the parts I'm not invested in at all, have really tired takes and are significantly younger to the point I'm concerned about looking like a creep if I interact with them at 100% of my full power. It feels very much like I'm wishing on a monkey paw.

I have a very small number of friends I can talk to about fandom stuff I will cling onto with both hands. I just wish there were more. This is mainly me venting but if anyone has any suggestions feel free.

--

Hmm... Well, I share your suspicion that if you're the common factor, you're at least somewhat contributing to this situation. It may not be that you're offputting but that you inherently like things most other fans don't like—not just rare ships but also rarer tropes.

Or it may not be rarity exactly but prompt style: while tons of people love found family and slice of life, a lot of prompts for those are so generic and boring that they inspire exactly zero new plotbunnies. Meanwhile filthy kink is not for everyone but often has the seeds of a specific fic in a prompt, so if you do like it, those prompts are super inspiring.

A lot of people are pretty terrible at responding to comments. I'm extremely hit or miss on AO3 myself. I'll respond to a zillion things on tumblr before I remember to actually answer comments on AO3. Partly, it's that I get said comments in my email inbox, not on AO3 itself, so I read them and appreciate them but am not in the space where I'd respond right at that moment.

Sadly, people making one fanwork and moving on just comes with the territory when you're in rare fandoms. It's much easier to make friends who like to vid Asian dramas or who are learning a language for fandomy reasons or who are doing fandom historical preservation than friends who share your exact current taste in blorbos and who will continue to do so.

In my case, I love rare things, but I also love to move from fandom to fandom rapidly, and I find it really stressful to have friends who end up resenting that.

I tend to befriend fans whose overall vibe I find compatible more than people I share ships with: people who will probably be in fandom for life, people who are loud and proud about it, people who are interested in fandom history and pan-fandom meta. I also tend to be drawn to accounts that are not only horny on main but horny for kinky shit that draws haters. It does a wonderful job of weeding out the whiny children and finding me fans with a spine. Hilariously, one of my closest offline fandom friends with whom I share the most character opinions doesn't even like sex scenes. But that's not somebody I'd have gotten to know online.

It's going to vary for the people you're approaching, but that may be one reason they're not as enticed by the sight of another fan of their current rare fandom: they may have totally different types of criteria for fandom friends.

It's hard to know how much of the problem is you without examining your internet presence more, but I get why going "here's my account, plz critique" is not attractive. This ask seems fine. No particular writing style red flags jump out at me.

I've definitely known people who were dicks about my tumblr popularity and wanted to know why I didn't reblog them... but it turns out they interacted with me only once every six months so I don't remember them or their tumblr is entirely shitposts or their writing style is incoherent or they sound angry all the time.

One problem you may be running into is that findable fans in their 30s and 40s are self-selected for Fandom For Life types who already have a bunch of close fandom friends. They're likely doing a lot of socializing in private with people they've known for ages. I like to think of it as people with very full dance cards. They tend to be the most attractive because they're living happy, fulfilling lives, but that same quality makes them too busy. Meanwhile, people who are sad and alone and desperate for friends are often less visible and less compelling. If someone figured out how to connect with them, they'd be a great friend, but fewer people are trying.

It's not that every compatible late 30s fan is too busy for new friends. It's that the fans who are visible enough that you know they exist and know their approximate age are a very specific slice of overall fandom.

As fans age, some of their fandom friends leave fandom or die, so there can be periods where people are going "Shit, I need new friends!" later on, not just in college and such. But I'd say late 30s is a tough-ish period. A lot of people are busy with young kids and/or haven't lost their inner circles from younger years yet.

In general, a lot of my closer fandom friends aren't actually looking for new friends and haven't been in quite a while. Some don't even post publicly anymore. I'm something of an exception because I'm both extremely friendly and always on the lookout for minions to convince to go to Escapade con or take up the banner of fandom preservation yadda yadda. I have a vested interest in remaining open to new people.

Thoughts, everyone? Have you gone through friend-seeking and full dance card phases?

[justforbooks]

Our Evenings by Alan Hollinghurst

Gay life in England across the decades, from the 1960s to the pandemic, is captured with glowing intensity through an actor’s memories

In what has become one of the defining rhythms of contemporary literature, Alan Hollinghurst’s novels appear at spacious intervals of six or seven years, each a solid architectural structure holding within it fugitive emotions and pungent atmospheres, each managing restraint and amplitude in tandem, each to be read slowly for its craftsmanship and with a greedy plunge of the spoon into the deft social comedy, counterpointed settings, and irresistibly expressive detail.

The Swimming-Pool Library (1988) is firmly established as a modern classic, though The Line of Beauty, which won the Booker prize 20 years ago, is probably his best-known novel: a Jamesian study of sex, class and power in Thatcher’s Britain. Since then, The Stranger’s Child (2011) and The Sparsholt Affair (2017) have brought some of Hollinghurst’s most remarkable writing. Investigations of legacy and memory, they are structurally fascinating in their use of discontinuous stories side-stepping across generations. But some coherence ebbed away in the gaps, and the daringly blank Sparsholt lead characters, for whom other characters felt so much, exerted on me a less certain pull.

Our Evenings leaves no such doubts. This is the story of Dave Win as he tells it himself, in late middle age, recreating with glowing intensity a sequence of formative or quietly significant episodes across six decades, from the 1960s to the pandemic. He is a boy at school, discovering the possibilities of music and drama, finding his own powers, shaken by encounters with prejudice and aggression, filled with unspoken ecstasies as his sensual attraction to men grows. He is a young actor with a subversive touring company in the 1970s; he is a lover, finding joy with his partners. He is an only son to a single mother, their closeness outlasting all change.

Dave is a gay man of a generation reaching maturity soon after decriminalisation, seizing his freedoms wholeheartedly amid intolerance. He is also half Burmese, though he never met the father from whom he inherited his Asian looks, and Burma is an unknown page of the atlas to someone whose familiar terrain sits under the “B” of Berkshire. The novel tracks the currents of gay liberation and race relations, not to mention a modern history of theatre and the arts, but with never a moment’s schematic overview: all is lived and felt idiosyncratically.

Going back, remembering his schooldays “in the far‑off middle of the previous century”, Dave begins among the wind and earthworks of the Berkshire Downs. It’s exhilarating up here, but he’s caught in joyless play with another boy, Giles, who says he owns it all and who’s currently administering a Chinese burn. Dave is 13, a new pupil at Bampton, on a visit to the family who have funded his scholarship. Already he needs to hold off the obtuse, entitled son who will go on being a bully, become a Tory MP and exert his power as minister for Brexit.

Growing older in parallel through the span of the novel, these two contemporaries converge intermittently, their encounters too incidental for any politician’s memoir but charged by Hollinghurst with tragicomic political force. “Tone deaf and proud of it”, Giles attends a concert at Aldeburgh, though his schedule as arts minister won’t stretch to his hearing the whole performance. Dave is on stage as the reciter in Vaughan Williams’s Oxford Elegy, “a strange late piece” for speaker and chorus, when the noise of Giles’s departing helicopter screeches through the hall. Fighting back, filling his voice with colour as he raises the volume, Dave throws his words “like a javelin” to the back of the room.

Yet Dave retains a lifelong respect for Giles’s parents, his sponsors, who are lovers of the arts, people with money “who do nothing but good with it”. Their house, Woolpeck, is a place of beauty, encouragement and refuge, one that Dave revisits in memory on “little mental occasions” that no one else could guess. Going on like frame narratives around the edge, these long enmities and attachments are touchstones, as the decades pass: measures of how imaginative life might be fostered and how it might be squashed under the heel.

Moving spaciously within this frame, Hollinghurst unfolds a sequence of superbly realised scenes. A summer holiday on the Devon coast gleams with the beginnings of erotic excitement as the 14-year-old watches, mesmerised, “the shifting parade of known and unknown men”. It’s bravura writing, quietly done, generously varied in tone as the Fawlty Towers comedy of hotel routine accompanies the beautiful seriousness of desire. It’s collegially reminiscent of other literary comings-of-age and seaside longings, but compellingly fresh page by page; no Proust or Mann or Alain-Fournier would have sent Dave off to the gents behind the esplanade.

Time, passing as the sundial says, brings Oxford gardens at sunset, theatrical triumphs, the “brisker tempo” of twentysomething life in London, bright with sex and energy, a potently drawn relationship with Hector, the Black actor who leaves Dave behind, their unlived future together “missed, incalculably”.

At the tender core of this novel lies Dave’s portrait of his mother Avril, a dressmaker, a white woman bringing up a mixed-race boy alone in the market town of Foxleigh. Our Evenings becomes a tribute to her: an intensely private figure, acute in perception, loving her son with a mighty steadiness, and finding her life partner in well‑off, self-possessed local client Esme Croft.

We see what young Dave sees of the way these women establish a home together, neither advertising nor concealing their love, forming a family unit with utmost care, though one so radical that it cannot be named. We glimpse, too, what the older Dave wants to understand and to honour: Avril on her own terms, “tough, unconventional”, creative and courageous. Dave acknowledges forebears of many kinds, from the writers he learns by heart to the old thespian whose secluded baroque acres have hosted “liberties … excitements”. Yet his most enabling and affecting inheritance is here in Foxleigh, in the conifer-shaded garden where, on the evening of his coming out to them and innumerable evenings after, Avril and Esme expressed their loving support with a modest chink of glasses.

Our Evenings forms a deep pattern of connection with its predecessors, while being an entirely distinct and brimming whole. If it’s a long solo, it is a various and populated one. Happily echoing with voices, it stays clear of pastiche. Its chapters feel inhabitable: places to which you might return for sustenance on “little mental occasions” as yet unknown. Hollinghurst is precise about sentiment in ways that put loose sentimentality to shame. And he is above all an appreciator, taking pleasure in the inexhaustible particularity of what people do and make and see. That capacity for appreciation acquires new emotional and political meaning here, in the finest novel yet from one of the great writers of our time.

Daily inspiration. Discover more photos at Just for Books…?

[aquarines]

'yaoi traditionalist' girl how many times the show should explicitly tell y'all that lestat and louis are vers until it finally sticks. but you still put your blinders on and say it's OOC. season 1 ep6 hate sex? nah louis was just pissed :) literally all of the loumand dynamic? awww poor louis armand forced him to top for 70 years :(

this is not an asian bl drama! i hope they'll show lestat on all fours and louis behind him just to see your mental gymnastics.

"how many times do they have to tell you they're vers?!?!?1?1?1" they told us that explicitly 0 times but always kept their actual power dynamic at the forefront

also this ask is hilarious i'm sorry like you can prefer whatever you want, at the end of the day it's whatever gets you off, like do you need my permission to do that?

when they move the show back to the og timeslot and we get to see lestat destroying louis' cervix>>>>>>>>

[waitmyturtles]

I will admit to not having the brain power at the moment to analyze this article in depth. But it covers a lot of topics that I am really obsessed with — namely, in part, the relationship that queer media, globally, has with sex. I truly appreciate this Western author acknowledging the successes and obstacles that queer Asian art has enjoyed and dealt with, respectively, in the course of the developing BL genre. Some of our Thai BL favorites are mentioned in here, including Only Friends, ITSAY, and IPYTM. Definitely worth a read, especially if you’re watching the Western queer pieces of the moment and want to compare them to the amazing queer Asian dramas that we love.

[ireadyabooks]

Celebrate Asian American and Native Hawaiian/Pacific Islander Heritage Month with I Read YA!

We are dedicated to promoting, celebrating, and supporting our Asian American and Native Hawaiian/Pacific Islander creators, readers, and community. Below, check out some incredible books by our AANHPI creators to read all year round!

What A Desi Girl Wants by Sabina Khan (On-sale 7/18)

Mehar hasn't been back to India since she and her mother moved away when she was only four. But when her father announces his engagement to socialite Naz, Mehar reluctantly agrees to return for the wedding. While her father still doesn't make the time for her, Mehar barely cares once she meets Sufiya, her grandmother's assistant, and one of the most grounded, thoughtful, kind people she's ever met! Meanwhile, Mehar's dislike for Naz and her social media influencer daughter, Aleena, deepens. Mehar's starting to think that putting a stop to this wedding might be the best thing for everyone involved.But what happens when telling her father the truth about Naz and Aleena means putting her relationship with Sufiya at risk . . . Start reading WHAT A DESI GIRL WANTS! 

I Kick and I Fly by Ruchira Gupta

A propulsive social justice adventure by renowned activist and award-winning documentarian Ruchira Gupta, I Kick and I Fly is an inspiring, hopeful story of triumph about a girl in Bihar, India, who escapes being sold into the sex trade when a local hostel owner helps her to understand the value of her body through kung fu.

Rosewood by Sayantani DasGupta

Eila Das is used to following her head, rather than her heart. When she meets Rahul at Rosewood, a summer camp where campers are being scouted for the hit Bridgerton-like TV show, she experiences…feelings. Between the drama of the show and the drama of the camp, Eila will have to keep her wits about her to make it through the summer. But when she has to choose between her head and her heart, what will she do? Start Reading! 

Debating Darcy by Sayantani DasGupta

In this Pride & Prejudice retelling, Leela is ALWAYS #1 in speech and debate competitions. But when she meets Firoze Darcy, more than just her winning streak is at stake…her heart is, too. Start reading DEBATING DARCY! 

The Surprising Power of a Good Dumpling by Wai Chim

When Anna’s not looking after her brother and sister or helping out at her father’s restaurant, she’s taking care of her mother, whose debilitating mental illness keeps her in bed most days. When her mother finally gets out of bed, things go from bad to worse. And as her mother’s condition worsens, Anna and her family question everything they understand about themselves and each other. Start Reading!

Meet Me in Mumbai by Sabina Khan

Mira must decide whether to re-connect with the woman who placed her for adoption…but isn’t sure she’s ready for what she might learn. Told in dual perspectives, this novel follows Mira and her mother eighteen years apart. Start Reading! 

Caster & Spell Starter by Elsie Chapman

Aza Wu knows that real magic is dangerous and illegal. After all, casting killed her sister. But to save the legacy of their family teahouse, she enters an underground casting tournament and the stakes couldn’t be higher. Start reading CASTER & SPELL STARTER! 

The Love & Lies of Rukhsana Ali by Sabina Khan

Rukhsana is finding it impossible to live up to her conservative Muslim parents’ expectations. Luckily, it’s only a few more months until her new life at Caltech. But when her parents catch her kissing her girlfriend, all of Rukhsana’s plans fall apart. Start Reading! 

K-Pop Revolution and K-Pop Confidential by Stephan Lee

In this romantic coming-of-age duology, a Korean American girl travels to Seoul in hopes of debuting in a girl group at the same K-pop company behind the most popular boy band on the planet. Start reading K-POP CONFIDENTIAL & REVOLUTION! 

[timetoboldlygo]

started watching not me! do you have any other reccs for asian dramas?

i'm so glad you're liking it!!! i don't have any recommendations that are EXACTLY the same as not me (very little political arson, unfortunately) but i do have some that are similiar-ish in vibe or tone, in that the question of "who has power" is usually brought up:

3 Will Be Free -- a thai show about three people on the run from the mafia while simultaneously trying to figure out their poly relationship. goes hard on the "what horrible things u have to do to survive" theme. this doesn't really have a straightforward happy ending, and for some characters, it's a tragedy

reset -- chinese drama about two college students stuck in a timeloop on a bus that's about to explode. they engage in schemes ranging from hilarious to judgemental to downright haunting to figure out how to stop whoever is exploding the bus

manner of death -- thai drama about a small town doctor and a mafia guy team up to find out who murdered their friend and become the target of the people trying to cover the murder up. this show gets extremely gayly domestic VERY fast, but ill warn u now, the horrors of sex trafficking are a plot point

here are some others that are much less heavy: great men academy, a show about a girl who wants her crush to fall in love with her so a magic unicorn turns her into a boy, romance is a bonus book, a show about a woman returning to the workplace after having a kid, and also a show about how much ppl love reading, and semantic error, a kdrama about a video game designer and illustrator who hate each other and then fall in lov

[namtanlovesfilm]

[03nd June, 2023.]

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH. #PrideMonthSeries

Hi Axelle,

Now that you are back home in Europe, after staying in Thailand for a year,...I'd like to believe you had a wonderful experience visiting the beautiful Asian country which boasts of "Boys Love" as it's soft-power. And,...since you have had the privilege of attending GMMTV fan-meets, and shows,...I'd like to know your perspective of not just the BL culture in Thailand, but your overall perspective of having lived in a foreign land.

I do know that you'd publish a video, talking in detail about your perspective of everything that you enjoyed living in Thailand,...but before that, I'd love to ask you some intriguing questions, which hopefully not only rekindles nostalgia for you, while you answer, but would help the BL audience get a better understanding of the country, that they have experienced only through social media.

[If any question comes across as intruding your persona space, please feel free to ignore it. And for the first time I'm crossing my question limit,...so please pardon me for that.]

How far is the Thai society accepting of the LGBTQ community?

What is that the international fans need to know about the Thai Culture, that you have learnt after living there?

Are Thai BL Actors really that popular in Thailand, as they are globally?

Did you notice any differences or similarities between how the Thai society is shown on-screen vis-a-vis the reality?

How would you describe the overall reception of BL series among different age groups in Thailand?

Did you notice any significant changes or developments in the BL industry during your stay in Thailand? If so, what were they?

How prevalent is the popularity of BL series in Thailand, and what are some notable cultural influences you observed during your time there?

Were there any specific BL series or actors that gained significant attention or sparked discussions among people in Thailand during your time there?

Were there any events or festivals related to BL series that you came across during your stay in Thailand, and what was the atmosphere like?

What was the experience like,...watching BL actors up-close?

What role does BL content play in Thai popular culture, and how does it intersect with other forms of entertainment, such as music, fashion, or fan events?

Have you witnessed any cultural or social changes influenced by the popularity of BL series? How do Thai society and individuals respond to the representation of same-sex relationships in media?

Have you observed any significant controversies or debates surrounding BL series during your time in Thailand? How do these discussions reflect the broader societal attitudes towards LGBTQ+ representation?

How accessible are BL series to the general public in Thailand? Are they primarily available through mainstream channels, or are there specific platforms or mediums that cater to BL enthusiasts?

How would rate your overall experience of living in Thailand as a BL fan?

How did living in Thailand influence your own perspective on BL series and the broader LGBTQ+ representation in media?

Thanks!

xoxo

Arjuna

I would say thailand is pretty accepting of the lgbtq+ community, especially younger people (which tends to be the case for pretty much every country.) people are easily openly queer & trans, and while there is for sure some discrimination, be it the same-gender marriage bill STILL getting blocked before it gets passed for like the fifth year in a row, or simply an "othering" of queer people by some forms of micro-aggressions, I personally have never seen or heard about it from me & my entourage.

thai culture irl is surprisingly very realistically depicted in thai dramas. people really do bring home food they bought from food stalls, they often go on spontaneous beach weekends, etc. I feel like thai dramas are some of the most realistic media depicting their own culture in the world. not saying everything is realistic bc it's definitely not, but in general the cultural aspects are on point!

bl actors are MORE popular in thailand than they are globally, as I'm sure you don't see bl actors in ads outside of thailand or perhaps asia, whereas their influence is way more obvious in thailand through ads or fan projects that are extremely numerous.

I honestly didn't really notice any notable difference between thai dramas vs reality. except maybe that no hot thai dude caught me in slow motion when I fell but oh well :')))

bl has become extremely democratized in the past couple of years, and will continue down this path more & more as years pass. everyone in thailand is surely aware of bl, and it's very common to meet younger people who watch it. for older people, I didn't get to talk much with them so I don't know but I have a feeling there's less bl fans in that demographic from going to events & concerts, it's mostly between 15 & 30.

I didn't really notice any significant change in the bl industry during my stay tbh. there were some bl actors I saw more of at certain moments when an ad campaign was rolled out, but that's kinda it; mostly bc the bl industry has been pretty stagnant in the past year.

the bl industry is quite prevalent; if you walk in a book store, you'll surely see a main "bl books" shelf full of novels that are being adapted on tv at the moment. moreover, it's been fun to meet a new thai friend and tell them I love not me & off jumpol and hear them reply "oh I saw not me trend a lot on twitter" & "oh I know him, he's so handsome." I've heard these replies a lot & it always made my day :)

I didn't have that many friends that were bl fans, and none that are as into the fandom as me, but the shows I've discussed with thai friends are mostly kinnporsche & not me, as they seem to have shaken social media quite a lot.

well, I encountered the events I went to haha, be it paid ones like the lol fanfest concert, the my precious movie premiere or the beluca concert, & mall events like the off coach siam paragon event and the offgun lancome park paragon event. if you're asking me if there's a lot of bl events, there are, but I feel like it'd be pretty hard to stumble onto them & you have to be aware of them from social media first.

the experience watching bl actors up close? absolutely unreal but also kinda... normal? like weirdly enough, I've watched these actors for so long I kinda already know what they look like from every angle, what they sound like, etc. so it's not THAT off putting, but on the other hand seeing people from a country halfway around the world from mine, that I only thought I would ever see in 2d, in front of me... is insane to me. the craziest thing really was seeing off a meter away from me in my second week ever in thailand & having him look straight at me, like... forever the highlight of my entire life LMAO

bl intersects with every sector of the entertainment industry; billkin & pp are two of the biggest thai singers solely from their success in itsay, and now zee & nunew are trying (and frankly succeeding) to do the same thing. we have all seen how many fashion covers & events off jumpol has done even just in the past 5 months. most of the lucrative fan events are also bl related, as I frankly haven't seen a straight fanmeet apart from the mewmild one which comes from mew's success as a bl actor & mild's success from being in many queer projects & many pairings with popular bl actors. we even can see it in bl shows themselves, that marketing & advertising agencies are betting more & more on bl actors, which make them the number one safe investment for agencies atm.

I didn't witness a change in thai society from bl personally bc I arrived after bl had been airing for 9 years at that point, but it is certain that bl has broadened the horizon of many people, & having so many queer-coded "couples" on every ad, event & series does definitely make queerness more socially acceptable overall.

I didn't observe any controversy or debate about bl series while in thailand, mostly bc I barely talked or engaged about bl irl bc I find it awkward lol

bl series are as accessible to the thai public as for inter fans, except they don't need to wait for eng subs & also can see the eps on tv.

I would rate my experience of living in thailand 10/10 overall, and as a bl fan a 1000/10 bc I got to do everything I never could in france in terms of fan stuff. also catching bl shows that air at 8:30pm... actually at that time is so much easier than when it airs in the middle of the fucking afternoon ;_;

living in thailand didn't change much about how I view bl, but it made me realize that it doesn't really matter much how many inter fans you have, or whether or not your show is the most popular. if your series is decently popular, with the right management you should be able to kickstart a huge career in thailand & get every fucking ad and events you can bc that's what truly makes money. do that shit for 5 years, invest some of it, retire rich & famous. if I was a hot thai guy that's what I'd do :')))

xxx

[hong-kong-art-man]

Asian-American Films Like Everything Everywhere All At Once, Joy Ride & Past Lives Are Becoming Popular: Can Hong Kong Follow & Make Cross-cultural Films?

We are not alone. Our life is the input of everyone. We are all part of one another. This applies to our art activities especially film art.

It has been proven time and time again that audiences love a movie that allows them to connect with the characters and situations. The traditional Hollywood movies of ‘white supremacy’ telling us how the white people live, to the exclusion of other racial groups, are getting out. Whether for the sake of cultural diversity or integration, we can see more and more Hollywood movies relating to African-American culture and with more African-American actors and directors for the past 10 years. One good example is Black Panther (黑豹).

In the creative world, we all dream. We may become popular and famous. Every dog has its day. It seems that the dream of equal opportunity of showing Asians’ talent and stories is now within reach.

A record 22 million Asian Americans now trace their roots to more than 20 countries in East and Southeast Asia and the Indian subcontinent, each with unique histories, cultures, languages and other characteristics. The U.S. Asian population is projected to reach 46 million by 2060. In terms of a film market, the population means a huge supply as well as a handsome demand.  

For making a cross-cultural film, it is said that a ‘crossover’ is where the different races meet interactively but they remain essentially independent. But a ‘fusion’ is the new result of integrating different races and generating a new cultural form with its unique presentation, philosophy and charm.

In the past, Hollywood had only ‘crossover’ films with Hong Kong but they failed to impress because one could feel the lack of cultural cohesion or strength. The Hong Kong director or actor was simply ‘in’ but not ‘into’ the film. Examples are such as John Woo (吳宇森)’s Face Off (奪面雙雄) in 1997, Peter Chan (陳可辛)’s The Love Letter (情書) in 1999 and Chow Yun-fat(周潤發)’s The Corruptor (再戰邊緣) in 1999.

Better late than never and only time will tell. Recently, some Hollywood ‘fusion’ films finally took place. In 2018, Joh M. Chu directed an American romantic comedy-drama film Crazy Rich Asians(我的超豪男友) from a screenplay of Peter Chiarelli and Adele Lim. Actors were Asian but they spoke English in the film as characters were almost American. The story is about a Chinese-American who travelled to meet her boyfriend’s family and was shocked to discover they were the richest in Singapore. It is a risky project by a major Hollywood studio to feature a majority cast of Chinese descent in a modern setting. It is an incredible commercial success. The film grossed over US $238 million on a budget of $30 million, making it the most profitable romantic comedy of the 2010s!  The next Asian-American film success is Everything Everywhere All at Once (奇異女俠玩救宇宙) in 2022! It is a film written and directed by Daniel Kwan with Daniel Scheinert. Michelle Yeoh (楊紫瓊) stars as a Chinese-American immigrant who got connected with the parallel ‘multiverse versions’ of herself and everything became out of control. The stars and supporting actors are mostly Asians. The film grossed over US$141 million worldwide. It won awards all over the world and obtained 7 awards out of 11 nominations at the 95th Academy Awards.

In 2023, the stronger prevalence and power of a film vision is shown, by what the evidence can prove. There are 2 more shiny ‘fusion’, rather than ‘crossover’, Hollywood films. 

One is Joy Ride(尋根女團). It quickly became a word-of-month sensation. Having received positive criticisms which praised the lead performance and humour, its successful equation of an all-Asian cast and laugh-out-loud cultural script is re-affirmed. The story is about the love adventures of 4 American Chinese girls in China with behaviour ranging from sexual promiscuity to sex as the act of true love.

The other great one is Past Lives (之前的我們). By a Korean director Celine Song, the film is autobiographical. It tells the sad story of Nora, a character who moves from Korea to Canada as a child, and later gets married in the United States. She, for many years, cannot get rid of the infatuation with her puppy lover in Korea and will this never-ending crush damage her marriage with a Caucasian husband? It has been praised as a culturally moving film the romance of which will linger on your mind in the most naturalistic style. It is basically a ‘Korean’ film in the English language. 

A trend is the type of things that are changing over time. Some trends are nonsense. Some trends may have long-term implications. When current trends continue and continue, they will become the ‘new normal’ and can be turned into the norm in the future. Whether these cross-cultural ‘fusion’ films are just a trend or will be a norm is beyond our prediction. I hope they will last. The power for creating a better future by change is always contained in the present moment of what these films are doing. 

Many people are still less likely to be mentally simulated by the films of the ‘non-white’, although the characters speak English. They simply lack the empathy necessary to identify with any ‘black’ or ‘yellow’ characters. This problem is called a ‘Racial Empathy Gap’. 

Hong Kong is home to an exciting eclectic mix of individuals and cultures from all parts of the world, and different races communicate in English. The densely populated metropolis has cultivated a global mindset of ‘We are the Melting Pot’!   Hong Kong was once the Hollywood of the East. Can the trend of culturally ‘fusion films’ be the new hope and effort here to revive the declining film industry in Hong Kong?

Maurice Lee

Chinese Version 中文版: https://www.patreon.com/posts/he-li-huo-joy-ji-89246014?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=postshare_creator&utm_content=join_link

Movie Crazy Rich Asians Trailer Acknowledgement-Warner Bros. Pictures

Movie Everything Everywhere All At Once Trailer Acknowledgement – A Really Happy Film

Movie Joy Ride Trailer Acknowledgement – Lionsgate Movie

Movie Past Lives Trailer Acknowledgement-A24

[maipareshaan]

Okay but these old white women doing mail order husbands with middle eastern men is SO interesting to me bcz imo its bcz they think they are purer and will be more secure in the relationship and hyperfocus on these ideas of a strong provider who does not talk to girls and is virginal but then get with obvious users. Also the way they have power of money or green card. Also this why i absolutely do not care when they start whining about being told to dress this way or interact that way, like they are not that dumb like comeon entering a relationship by dangling power is ehh active and if they think it comes with control and don't get it whatever esp when the fantasy they want includes that, like they are chasing a culture that appears better cuz the ideal relationship is more solid if the man is supposed to not have had sex and is not allowed to have friendships with women. Also i think they just like whining for drama. Maybe i am being harsh but like that's my read. Its exactly like men doing it with women with russian and ukranian and asian women. Like everyone involved knows what is happening. Also i think its fine, i really do, like again you come to an understanding between yourselves, its fine as long as there is respect and decency.

[yasminbenoit]

Yasmin Benoit in Cosmopolitan: “I’m the Unlikely Face of Asexuality”

I was 10 years old when I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me. I realised I was asexual around the same time as my peers realised they weren’t. In late primary school, the boys and girls didn't want to play together anymore - they 'fancied' and wanted to 'go out' with each other. I watched girls fighting over boy drama in the cafeteria and wondered what had gotten into everyone.

That’s when I decided I’d attend an all girls’ school under the naive belief that, in the absence of boys, none of the girls would care about sex or dating. I quickly discovered that a same-sex environment had the opposite effect.

By the time I was a teenager, my peers started to wonder what was wrong with me. The sexual frustration was turned up to 100, which made it all the more obvious that I wasn't reacting the same way as the other teens. While their sexuality was directed towards any nearby boy, a poster of a boy, or even each other, mine wasn't directed anywhere. And other people wanted to work out why that was more than I did.

Before believing that it was just my innate sexuality, it was easier to assume that I was gay and in denial. Maybe I was molested as a kid and I’d forgotten about it, but been left with psychological scars. I could be hiding a hidden perversion – my dad asked me whether I was into inanimate objects or children when I told him that I wasn’t attracted to men or women. I might be a psychopath, unable to empathise with people enough to deem them attractive. The theory that held the most weight was that I was 'mentally stunted', and I was treated as such. I started to wonder if they were right.

At 15, I learned the word asexual. It was during yet another analysis session of my sexuality at school. I described myself as not being attracted to men or women for the thousandth time, and someone suggested I might be “asexual or something.” With a quick Google search, I realised I wasn’t alone. Asexuality is a term used to describe those who experience a lack of sexual attraction and/or low levels of sexual desire towards others.

It wasn’t a mental or physical disorder, or a personality flaw, or anything related to my appearance or my life experiences. It wasn’t the same as being celibate, or anti-sex, or just being a ‘late bloomer.’ It was a legitimate sexual orientation characterised purely by a lack of sexual attraction or desire, meaning that it had no implications on whether an asexual could masturbate, or actually enjoy sex, or have children, or be in a romantic relationship. There were no limitations, just a way to bring a lot of people under one united umbrella.

I had finally found an answer to everyone’s question... only, no one else knew what the hell I was talking about. Unfortunately, that didn’t stop them from spewing the same ignorant views I had been hearing for years.

To an extent, I can’t blame them. It’s been almost 10 years since I discovered the term and it is barely part of public consciousness. It isn’t included in sex education or any conversations about sexuality. We’re left out of policies, pathologised in psychiatry and there is next-to-no representation for asexual people in the media. You can count positive examples on one hand. Most of the time, asexuality is either a fleeting reference, the butt of a joke, or a trait in a character that’s either an alien, robotic, or evil – a manifestation of their lack of empathy. Think your Sheldon Cooper, your Data from Star Trek, your Lord Voldemort.

Especially for women, it's seen as a symptom of their prudishness, unattractiveness or overall blandness, which needs to be resolved by the end of the plot so they can be complete, appealing, lovable people. After all, being virginal is a good thing, perpetual sexual unavailability is not, particularly when you need a loving sexual relationship to be whole. Even our non-fiction portrayals tend to conform to stereotypes and perpetuate a ‘woe is them’ narrative. And among all of these things, they’re probably white, occasionally East Asian, but never Black. Black people are hypersexualised to the point where that would become contradictory and confusing for the audience. And that’s what I would end up being.

When I first mentioned on social media that I was asexual, I had no intention of becoming a voice for the asexual community. It seemed too unlikely to contemplate. After all, I was a Black gothic student from Berkshire who got sat on at school because I was that invisible. On top of that, my work as an alternative lingerie model meant I was far from the girl/boy-next-door like the asexual activists who had come before me. But, apparently, that's what the community wanted. From there, my activism took off.

I quickly found myself becoming one of the community's most prominent - but unlikely - faces. I used my platform to raise awareness for asexuality, empower asexual people, dispel misconceptions and promote our inclusion in spaces we've traditionally been left out of. From incorporating asexuality into lingerie campaigns, speaking at government institutions, being the first openly asexual person to appear on LGBTQ+ magazine covers, and opening asexual spaces, my work has been intersectional if not a little controversial.

I had never experienced hatred online like I have since speaking openly about asexuality. Only through my work did I become aware of acephobia and the exclusionary discourse surrounding what at first seems like an inoffensive and discreet orientation. It’s shown me how important asexuality activism is, and it’s made me aware of just how diverse, powerful and unique the asexual community is. How they stand up for the rights of others even when we’re ignored ourselves, how they’ll never let their invisibility stop them from developing their own unique culture, history, and progressive understanding of human sexuality and love.

This week is Asexual Awareness Week, an occasion founded by Sara Beth Brooks a decade ago. It’s one of the few times in the year that the community demands to be seen and people start looking.

Don’t miss us, we have a lot to show you.