#seriously eddie why cant we just throw some of these away and make some room in here?

[tommygotwrittenoff]

things i think buddie would argue about after moving in together: buying organic, the tupperware cabinet, couch throw pillows, the coffee maker

[thesportssoundoff]

“No but seriously, he has one eye” The Brawl For All Combatants Ordered Out!

So a few weeks ago, I presented you with a beginning outline of what I'm aiming to do here. A chance to take a long look at the Brawl For All; a concept so insiduous that I imagine even Vince McMahon has aimed to bury it in the deepest recesses of his mind. The first time out we looked at its genesis, the concepts and the back stories beyond the concepts:

http://thesportssoundoff.tumblr.com/post/183395306465/what-happens-when-you-take-a-bad-idea-and-make-it

NOW let's take a long look at who participated, who didn't participate and the fallacy behind the entire project IF rumors are to be believed.

A Hot Take To Lead Us Off

This is something I long theorized but a long look at the people involved in the Brawl For All confirmed it for me. So by and large, the Brawl For All was a stupid dumb concept. Agreed, right? Well what if it could've worked elsewhere? Now again the rules are dumb, the genesis behind it was dumb, everything about it from stem to stern is full of stupidity. Allow me to argue that it COULD have worked; just not in the WWF. When you see the roster the WWF was working with here, it's not going to blow you away on paper and we obviously have a mighty fine idea of how the execution went. What about a different Brawl For All roster? Saaay (in 1998 when this happened):

Rick or Scott Steiner- Decorated All American wrestlers for the University of Michigan Scott Norton- Legitimate tough guy bad ass professional arm wrestler, former bodyguard of Prince Jerry Flynn- Taekwando practitioner, former mixed martial artist Earnest Miller- Three time karate champion Glacier- Professional karate man dude prior to pro wrestling Brian Knobbs/Jerry Saggs- The JBL's of WCW in more ways than one seemingly Meng- All time legendary tough guy and bar room savage Barbarian- Genuine tough guy El Dandy- Jam Up Guy Serious Professional All Around Good Man

Plus the other litany of guys who were noted shooters or tough guys on the undercard. Let's also be fair and note that the South was a touch more receptive to the UFC at this point in time than say the East Coast as well. Perhaps it could've worked with a better roster and perhaps WCW, with its glut of shooters and tough guys respected in the industry, would've been better suited for a Brawl For All.

Or maybe it's just a stupid fucking idea with no merit. That too.

So who DIDN'T participate?

Well let's start with the very beginning and work our way back. Let's talk about some of the guys who just opted NOT to participate. For starters, the big stars were obviously not going to partake in this. Right off the jump you have to assume Undertaker, Austin, DX, The Rock, Kane, Mankind, Vader and the like are not going to be participating. This was about giving a bunch of guys they kind of didn't give a shit about something to do so that meant no sacrificing top stars. It was filler programming and obviously everybody doing important shit was busy doing important shit. Also of note was that the WWF did not want originally the likes of Dan Severn, Steve Blackman and Ken Shamrock in it. Ken apparently wasn't interested and made the argument that it didn't benefit him given the fact that he was a genuine UFC star still to take a pit stop in pro wrestling. At the same time, Dan Severn was asked not to participate at first and then had to be coerced into taking a spot when injuries happened. The same goes for Steve Blackman who was signed up after a few drop outs occurred, primarily due to the promise of Blackman being allowed to throw kicks in the tournament. The dropouts are hard to pinpoint but Tiger Ali Singh is one of the more notorious ones per Bob Holly. I've also read around that Ahmed Johnson was at one point supposed to be in it but I've never been able to confirm that (or remember the shoot interview that it was mentioned in). The point is that on its face, the Brawl For All was going to be a shoot fighting tournament without the two genuine proven shoot fighters in case you're curious about the true idea behind it.

Also as an MMA fan, I can't help but notice the # of "I was a last minute addition" stories these guys have. Lord knows that has to be a common thing said by guys like Sean Shelby and Mick Maynerd to get some of these fights done. I'd imagine that "We need a guy and you're going to help us out!" sweet talk happens to this day. My immediate thought is that they were either a) having a tough time filling spots in the Brawl For All and started telling people they were in need of last minute additions or b) most of these guys regret doing it and figure saying they were last minute replacements helps take the edge off.

So who WAS in?

We got sixteen names so buckle up and pour a drink or two.

8-Ball- Ron Harris aka 1/2 of The Blu Brothers aka Vince Russo's Creative Control. Vince Russo has never been a master of subtlety and so I suppose it's no surprise that one of his top angles was "Gang Warz" pitting an all white stable (The DOA) vs an all Puerto Rican tag team (Los Boricuas) vs a mostly all black tag team (the Nation Of Domination). Needless to say, Vince Russo makes it hard to defend him sometimes. To my knowledge neither Ron nor brother Don have any sort of proven fighting experience and the less said about them (and their tattoos), the better off we'll be. Ron (and Don) were rumored to have threatened Shawn Michaels on their last night in the WWF in the 90s, a rumor that seems to be corroborated by at least a few folks.

Steve Blackman- Most of the dudes who talk about the Brawl For All admit that this guy probably wins it all things being equal. Blackman had a legit karate background with some muay thai and amateur wrestling mixed in. Besides Blackman somehow overcame being bedridden for two years with malaria to become a legitimate pro wrestler so needless to say if it's a "Who wants it more?" shoot type deal, he's going to cover the grit and grind department well. Blackman is also rumored to have once taken down The Big Show and held him down until Show begged him to let him up which is akin to Bob Backlund apparently getting the Iron Sheik down and sitting on him until he either lost interest or was asked to let him up. Steve Blackman is by all intents and purposes a badass.

Bradshaw- Apparently the inspiration behind this atrocity depending upon who you ask. Bradshaw's reputation is marred now with incidents of bullying (real or fabricated), pro wrasslin' racism (goosestepping in Germany to get heat, some other old school heel shenanigans) and borderline dangerous behavior like blindsiding the Blue Meanie and beating the shit out of him when Meanie thought it was a working brawl. At this point though, none of that is really widespread and Bradshaw is just a fake Stan Hansen who looks tough and stiffs the hell out of people. He's about to eventually turn into a mute member of the Undertaker's industry before he comes a heel mercenary for hire before they turn into FUN beer drinking cigar smoking mercenaries for hire before turning into a Wall Street rich Texan chasing Mexicans "at the border" to get heat for a feud with Eddie Guerrero. I suppose you cant say Bradshaw didn't earn it at least.

Brakkus- Wooof. Brakkus was a massive German bodybuilder who apparently didn't quite understand that the Brawl For All wasn't worked. The WWF had big plans for Brakkus (if they send you to Memphis to work for Lawler in the USWA, it probably means they had a long term vision for him) but he sucked and no matter where they sent him, he continued to suck. He was bad in Memphis, was bad in ECW and ultimately this feels like an attempt to just do something with him. Again though, how good you are as a pro wrestler doesn't matter in the Brawl For All. It was about legit fighting----and Brakkus apparently according to Savio Vega had no idea he was in a real fight. Keep that in mind.

Mark Canterbury- I have NO idea why Henry O. Godwinn is listed on wikipedia by his real name but fuck it, here he is! So full blindspot up front, I LOVED Henry O' Godwinn as a kid. He carried around a slop bucket, poured what looked like puke on people, wrestled in overalls which helped him stand out and it sort of gets lost in the fact that he was given a dumb gimmick (In the mid 90s, it felt like the WWE was acknowledging how big of a slide it was in because every human being had a side hustle) that Godwinn could absolutely work. Here's Godwinn vs Bret Hart in a killer match btw: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9vihPkNmLM. This was before Vince Russo and company turned them from a fun midcard act into a gross-ish play on Vince McMahon's distaste for southerners. Oh and also! Henry Godwin PROBABLY is doing this with a  still kinda broken neck. He broke it in 1997, was told to take three months or more off (Godwinn gives numbers ranging from ten weeks to sixteen weeks) and he just showed back up in less than two months to work through it. Keep that in mind.

Droz- A tragic story all in all which we'll get to eventually. Droz at this point is basically coming out of a dead angle with the LOD where he was written in storyline to be feeding drugs (and whatever else) to Road Warrior Hawk in an attempt to take his place in the Legion Of Doom. If it sounds awful it's because it was and while MAYBE a good writer can make that work, we're talking about the WWF in 1998 trying to soap opera a drug pusher/drug abuse victim angle. It ultimately ended with Droz shoving Road Warrior Hawk off the titantron while Hawk was attempting to commit suicide. Again, it's as bad as you'd believe. Droz had a college football background but that's about it unless I missed some boxing or kickboxing background.

The Godfather- By all accounts the Godfather is a badass. He was hip to MMA before the UFC really caught on, was a freakishly devoted bodybuilder and he just looks like the sort of guy who would take very little shit from anybody. The Godfather is about to become THE Godfather as he's transitioning from Kama Mustafa and the Nation Of Domination's actually good muscle enforcer (Mark Henry is bad around this time and would continue to be such until about 2009 or so) but at this point I'd imagine the writing is on the wall for most of the NOD guys that the Rock is about to leave them in the dust and this group is going to theoretically die a death. The Godfather is about to take a seriously big turn but FIRST, the Brawl For All!

Bart Gunn- At this point, Bart Gunn is doing nothing. Basically nothing. One could even say less than nothing. Bart Gunn is in The New Midnight Express, an angle that Vince Russo has claimed was apparently a way to shut up Jim Cornette and prove to him that old style wrestling couldn't work in 1998. Bart Gunn was apart of the Smoking Gunns and according to him, he had toughman contest experience. Apparently Bart Gunn got brought into the Brawl For All because Kevin Kelly had seen him wear out big guys in Tampa and per Billy Gunn, Bart was the sort of dude who could wipe out a bar room full of people if need be. That said it's not like Bart had any boxing experience or what have you.

Hawk- Another noted tough dude and one of pro wrestling's weirdest mysteries. Every old school dude be it Kevin Sullivan, Jim Cornette or Paul Heyman raves about Hawk as a talent and claims he could've been a major marquee attraction as a singles wrestler. Kevin Sullivan in particular claims that had he had the opportunity to work with Hawk and freshen him up as a singles wrestler, he could've been an Undertaker-esque attraction who drew money across multiple character iterations. Hawk is coming off his personal demons storyline which I mentioned before that sucked. At this point, he and Animal have broken down and are in serious need of repairs from a physical and character standpoint.

Bob Holly- Bradshaw and Bob Holly in the same tournament and somehow they didn't face off? In 2019, I imagine people would be rooting for a double KO (although Bob's image has softened with fans since leaving the WWE) but at this point Bob Holly is just trying to figure shit out in his career. He's teaming with Bart Gunn in the New Midnight Express after sputtering out (HA HA) as a race car driver. Bob Holly is another dude who by in large is just known as a tough guy with a bit of a bully streak tendency behind that reputation. Owner of the wrestling world famous "YOU GOT TWENTY FOUR HOURS TO LEARN HOW TO FIGHT, BITCH!" threat to Rene Dupree before he kicked the shit out of him over parking tickets.

Marc Mero- The story of Marc Mero is a rough one with a happy ending. Marc Mero was really over in WCW as Johnny B. Badd, a Little Richard knock off with a Badd Blaster that shot confetti. Johnny B. Badd was so over that Vince paid him big money to be Johnny B. Badd----only for someone to smarten him up that Johnny B. Badd was a WCW trademark so he had paid for a guy who was trained from jump to do ONE role his whole career. Marc Mero was pretty over and underrated as a wrestler (I SWEAR BY THIS) before his knees gave in. Making matters worse for him was that his wife, Rena, was the women's face of the Attitude Era as Sable. According to Jim Cornette, Marc Mero was trying to be a good husband and help get his super over wife even MORE over---so he took a powerbomb from her on TV. Mero's future big money opponent was Stone Cold who happened to be  watching the show at the time from home. Apparently Austin called up Vince McMahon and immediately asked who he would be working with on next week's Raw since he wasn't going to do any business with Mero after eating a powerbomb on TV from his wife. I don't know if this was before or after the Brawl For All though so take that for what it's worth. Either way, Mero is doing a boxing gimmick now (he is apparently a reputable legit golden gloves champion) and so it makes sense he'd be in the Brawl For All.

Pierre- This is a real shootfight tournament. Actual punches are being thrown and takedowns are implemented. This is, again, a legitimate shoot fight----and so of course one of the dudes involved in the shoot fight is missing an eye. Quebeccer Pierre/Pierre Carl Oulette/Jon Pierre Lefitte is missing an eye and was competing in a shoot tournament WITH one eye. We're not talking Michael Bisping fighting with a damaged eye for years on end, we're talking about an actual lack of an eye. This happened, people. We'll talk more about Pierre (and his amazing story in 2019) but right now in 1998, he's JAG who is bouncing between WCW and WWF looking for something to do. He's also at this point known as the guy who refused to put Kevin Nash over in 1995 despite Nash being the face of the company. PCO is the original Bret Hart, refusing to job in Canada.

Scorpio- I gotta admit I have no idea what Scorpio is doing here. I bet he doesn't know either if we're being truthful. Scorpio is one of those guys who was ahead of his time but seemed incapable of staying on the right path (whatever that means in wrestling) to get what he was due. He had come into the WWF in 1997 as Flash Funk and so I imagine Flash Funk was over and he's just killing time until the Job Squad angle.  Scorpio is apparently a legit tough guy (or madman depending on who you ask) and held a 1-0 unofficial record over Hawk after he beat the shit out of him in WCW.

Dan Severn- Dan Severn was told he wouldn't even be allowed to participate and then was told the day OF the taping that he was needed to take a spot. Severn is not too far removed from being a UFC everything (champion, tournament winner etc etc) and so he's for the most part a prospective favorite. That's probably why he wasn't asked to compete at first I'd imagine since the plan was PERHAPS to get somebody else over. Another rumor is that Severn is such a boring plain dude with a boring plain style (Severn admits his plan was to never throw a punch and just grapple people) that if he had won, there would've been no payoff in it.

Savio Vega- I have NO idea if Savio Vegas has a professional sports background or what the deal was. Apparently Savio Vegas asked to be in it and was also the unofficial official matchmaker (he drew the names out of a hat) and he's Puerto Rican so he's got my rooting interest right away. I think Los Boricuas at this point were in full swing and Savio was obviously the head of said stable. Gang Warz was dumb as hell.

Steve Williams- And we reach the FINAL name. "Dr. Death" Steve Williams. Steve Williams was a former football player at the University of Oklahoma and one of the more decorated wrestlers in Oklahoma history. He had carved out a niche in Japan by this point after establishing himself as a star in Mid South with the occasional stop off in the NWA/Jim Crockett Promotions/various regional feds and start ups. Williams didn't have any official fighting background but he was a crazy good wrestler and by all accounts a ridiculous bad ass. Jim Cornette tells stories of Dr. Death fighting fans and laying bodies to waste with little to no effort. He was also extremely popular with people in the WWF office, namely Jim Ross and Jim Cornette. Bruce Prichard doesn't QUITE say that the WWF thought Dr. Death would win the Brawl For All but he does a damn good enough impression of Jim Ross advocating for Steve Williams that I have to believe it. Vince Russo has spoken in the past about Steve Williams being Jim Ross' "boy" and how this was basically his way of seeing whether Jim Ross was right. Bob Holly has said that they were already doing vignettes with Barry Switzer and interviews as if Dr. Death won the Brawl For All. Dr. Death claims that the Triple H push of 1999 was the one Vince had promised him before the Brawl For All.

All of this brings me to my final point.....

Dr. Death was never going to be a big star in the WWF

I truly hate to speak ill of the dead and I'm trying hard no to either. Let's just speak from a more realistic pragmatic grounded stance. The kind of talent that was getting over in 1999 falls into three distinct categories. The first were talkers, guys and gals who could rap so to speak and had tremendous presence. Promo guys could carry the day and even IF you gave Dr. Death a Jim Ross to do the talking for him, let's not forget that by 1998 at this point in July there's basically just one manager actually doing anything as a talker and that's Paul Bearer. "Dr. Death" Steve Williams was not a talker and even if he was, he's certainly not the kind of talker who would fit in Vince McMahon's WWF. The second were guys who were big with "the look" according to Vince McMahon. Pull up a picture of every top star in 1998 for the WWF and then slide Dr. Death in there and ask if he fits the mold. He's unique for sure and there's the Mick Foley outlier----but imagine how long it took Mick Foley to be seen as legitimate by Vince McMahon. Even if Dr. Death is the definition of a Jim Ross style Hoss, he looks woefully out of date by 1998 standards. He in many ways, like a lot of guys who frequently toured Japan and basically were behind on the times, looked like he had been left in 1988. Lastly there were the gimmick guys; the Undertaker, Kane, The Rock, DX, Austin etc etc. Dr. Death's gimmick was that he was an ass kicker which is great but AGAIN we are to believe every human being in the WWF at this time is an ass kicker. Maybe Vince and company would've found a way to get something out of him but the chances are that Dr. Death would've never been a big star. Could he have feuded with Stone Cold? Surely! A big money draw? A multi million dollar hit? I just don't see it. Can't imagine it. Also let's be fair here, how toned down would his style have been for the WWF at the time as well? Is he going to suplex Steve Austin around after Stone Cold broke his neck? I'm not quite buying that either.

So there's your sixteen. You got a few amateur wrestlers ten years beyond their competitive days, a boxer or two, a toughman contest guy, a few dudes who dabbled in kickboxing and a man with legitimately one eye. You've got the guy who the company thinks SHOULD win it. So who won the fuckin' thing? How did they win it?

That's for next time.

[richard-the-boy-wonder-blog]

The losers as things my family has said:

Bill, making stabbing motions with a banana: i c-could, STAB you!

Eddie, trembeling with anger: *whips out a tiny knife* oh yeah?!

Richie: *gasp* oh my god be brought a knife to a banana fight!

///

Ben, folding clothes with Beverly: why do girls have tiny pockets in the crotch of their underwear?

Beverly: its for our snacks and switchblades.

///

Stan: you ate some of my chips?!

Eddie: no i fucking didnt, oh my god calm down.

Bill: Stan, Eddie didnt touch your chips

Stan: yes he did! I know he did!

Eddie: how?!

Stan: i counted my chips before i left, HAH!

///

Ben: i wonder why their lights are on at this hour-

Richie: CRACKHEADS NEVER GO TO SLEEP!

///

Bill, pounding on the bathroom door: come one R-richie i re-really have to go!

Richie: poop under the door and ill throw it away for you.

///

Stan: what... The fuck are you wearing?

Eddie: oh what you mean my snaccy paccy? *motions to his fanny pack overflowing with doritos*

///

Mike: what are you doing?

Richie, eating a whole box of cocopuffs to himself in bed while wearing sunglasses: im depressed leave me alone or ill cry.

Mike: okay but-

Richie: *instant sobbing*

///

Bill: what are these crumbs from?

Richie: Theyre Stanly's

Richie: Stan youre getting your ass crumbs everywhere!

Stan: .... *slowly starts crying* im TRYING!

///

Eddie: jesus was a primadonna girl.

Stan: fucking stop.

///

Eddie: ive taken a life before.

Bill: Y-you mean that h-hamster that y-you squeezed too hard o-on accident and killed when y-you were 4?

Eddie: *starts crying* HE WAS FALLING, I WAS TRYING TO HELP

///

Beverly, thinks the opening scene of the movie theyre watching is the commercial for it: oh! I love this movie lets watch this movie!

Ben: oh yay me too! We already are!

///

Bill: you cant j-just smoke weed and s-sit around in your u-underwear all day!

*Richie and Stan groaning*

Stan: can i die then?

///

*loud squeaking noise out the window*

Stan: *gets up to see if its a bird*

Mike: what kind of bird is it Stan?

Richie, looking out the window with Stan: its two squirrels fucking.

///

Ben: you know who could help you if you didnt hate them?

Stan: who? I dont hate anyone.

Ben: *points to Richie*

Stan: oh god youre right nevermind.

///

Beverly: im a great cook you shut up.

*burns a frozen pizza 15 minutes later*

///

Eddie: oh you think youre sooOOoo funny dont you?!

Richie: BITCH i am hilarious.

///

Georgie, after staring long and hard at Bill: you got mom's forehead.

Bill: what the f- wait s-seriously?

///

Mike: *opens the bathroom door*

Richie, in the tub with his clothes on: hydration is sexy.

Mike: *closes the door*

///

Eddie: *screaming the lyrics to backstreets back in his room*

Beverly from the livingroom: STOP! We get it youre gay!

[cryingbilldenbrough]

Ok for the wheelzier twins i cant help to think that they bicker over the most mundane of things like cereal then milk or milke then cereal and which came first: the chicken or the egg. The one thing that will forever be something they go head to head against is who was born first like richie thinks its him bc of some overly complicated thing like the cosmos and universe and mike thinks its him bc he has like pictures of him as a baby before richie came out but richie feels those were faked

ok so i touched on this a liiiittle in this post, but i firmly believe that richie is older and it is a defining characteristic of his and mike’s relationship (or lackthereof)

step one: richard wentworth wheeler is born, kicking and screaming his lungs out, at 11:59am on a tuesday. he’s got a full head of hair and squinty eyes

three minutes later michael theodore wheeler makes his debut. he’s already taller than richie and he cries like he’s irritated to be alive

from that moment on, it’s all downhill

nancy is what, four? so she like wants to hold “her babies” and their dad takes turns setting both boys carefully down into her outstretched arms, teaching her how to support the head

and immediately, baby richie loves nancy

baby mike is not impressed and doesn’t stop screaming until his mom takes him back

“my richie” nancy says, running a chubby finger down his cheek, and fate is Sealed

so like, the idea is that richie and nancy bond a lot throughout their childhood

cause here is the big thing: mike and richie are two different kinds of kid

richie is a geek

and mike is a nerd

and nancy wheeler is most definitely a geek

richie bonds with his big sister over schoolwork, studying math and science together

they do like, cute little science projects like building lava volcanoes in the kitchen and like digging in the mud in the backyard

richie sleeps on nancy’s floor for like a whole year when they’re eight because he and mike get in a fight over who gets top bunk on their bunk beds

he comes down to breakfast with his toenails painted and mike isn’t jealous of that but he is kind of jealous of the way nancy ruffles richie’s hair fondly

mike only gets to spend time with nancy when she humors him plays fantasy board games with him and even that’s few and far between

nancy is also the only one who really gets richie’s humor, laughing quietly into her hand at the dinner table

mike sometimes thinks they would have been better off twins rather than him and richie

mike builds the blanket fort in the basement to escape them sometimes, to curl up in the darkness and to forget that there’s supposed to be someone by his side

so mike goes out and makes friends of his own and tries to ignore how much it hurts when richie calls himself “your big brother”

cause they were supposed to be in this together, that’s what twins means

so he’s like………. super lonely……….. throughout childhood

and then! he meets will byers on the playground

and it’s the BEST DAY OF HIS LIFE

because finally, he gets someone of his own

someone who understands him the way his twin was supposed to and someone who loves him 4 him, not for preconceived notions of who he should be!

BUT will byers goes missing

and like, richie has been really distant lately so when mike comes to him, close to tears because will wasnt in school and the cops wanted to talk to him and mom and dad wont let mike go out and look for him and he doesn’t know what to do,

richie gets this weird look in his eyes

and grabs mike by the shoulders and is like

“do NOT go looking for him”

“you’re not my fucking dad, rick,” mike shoots back and like, richie looks more seriously than mike has ever seen

“i’m not joking, mikey!” richie says, shaking his brother’s shoulders “there’s bad things in this town”

mike hits his hands away angrily and stalks down to the basement to call lucas on the walkie talkie

later, mike finds out that as soon as he left richie, his brother called bill denbrough and whispered down the line how scared he was

but all mike knew then was that his twin was trying to be his Smart Big Brother again and he’s fucking grown out of that shit! he’s too old to get treated like richie’s annoying little brother!!

anyway, mike goes out and meets eleven and has another person who likes him best and suddenly he’s not sad about it anymore

he’s fucking angry

one night nancy defends richie at the dinner table, arguing with mike that richie didn’t steal his gameboy, you forgot it at school again you idiot

and they’re teaming up against him, with twin looks of distaste at mike on their faces

and mike’s HAD IT

he pushes off from the dinner table stalks up to his room and he can hear nancy’s footsteps behind him

“you always liked richie better anyway” mike says, slamming the door

nancy barges right into his room as he throws himself down onto the bottom bunk

“i dont like richie better!” she says and mike rolls his eyes into the covers

“i dont!” nancy repeats, sitting down on the corner of the bed. she reaches a hand out to touch mike’s back and he flips over to glare at her

“he should have been your twin” mike mutters and nancy sighs

suddenly she looks a lot older than mike thinks she should

“i know i spent more time with rick when we were kids than i did with you,” nancy starts “but he was such a lonely kid, mike.”

mike is silent

“you had your friends like will and dustin and lucas and richie didn’t have anyone,” 

mike’s angry now, because richie had HIM 

richie had MIKE and he didn’t think mike was GOOD ENOUGH

“it’s not your fault. you’re allowed to have favorites,” mike says, and something’s burning in his chest “richie wasn’t supposed to, though”

“what?” nancy says and mike feels tears prick at his eyes

“he was supposed to always like me best and he picked you instead”

“oh, mike,” nancy says as he cries into his hands

and it’s an old pain but it aches anyway and mike lets it flow out of him as nancy rubs his back

his eyes are dry when richie comes into their room later and he rolls over in bed so richie doesn’t try to talk to him

later, mike knows nancy told richie about it

because things are different

richie invites him and will and dustin and lucas along to go to the movies with him and his friends

(friends mike honestly didn’t notice richie making, and to be honest there’s a LOT of them)

richie takes him biking with eddie kaspbrak and bill denbrough, who mike remembers meeting when will was still presumed missing because bill was the only kid whose parents let him go along with the search party

and one night, long after everyone else has gone to sleep, mike finds richie in the basement blanket fort

(he’d been sneaking downstairs to try eleven on the walkie)

richie’s curled up against the wall and he nods at mike as he climbs down the stairs

“what are you doing up?” mike asks, folding his knees to his chest and pulling the blanket closed around them

richie looks kind of pale in the soft light

“couldn’t sleep,” he answers and mike sees the dark circles under his glasses “had a nightmare”

“you’ve been having a lot of those lately” mike observes and richie is silent

mike knows something happened last summer, while he was too busy trying to move on and make new friends, and it changed richie

he’s a little more serious now, a little more careful

“dont worry about me” richie says, putting on one of his annoying Voices “your old big bro is doing just fine”

and mike sighs

he thought they were over this but apparently not

“what?” richie says, noticing his slumped shoulders

“you’re not my big brother”

“am too,” richie argues “those three minutes without you were the best three minutes of my life” 

mike’s heard this joke before and he’s really just tired tonight

he starts to get up and richie catches his arm

“you know…” he starts, biting his lip. “you can tell me anything right?”

“i know,” mike sighs and richie just holds harder 

“you know i gotta watch out for you right?” richie says and its almost desperate? it’s almost like he needs mike to assure him he’s needed??? and mike is Not Feeling It. “thats what big brothers do”

“YOURE NOT MY BIG BROTHER” mike yells, and he knows he’s gonna wake somebody up but he doesnt care because richie just WONT GET IT

“you’ve never been my fucking older brother” and richie looks so hurt and it kind of makes mike feel good so he keeps going “you dont need to take care of me, i can fucking look after myself, you’re just a dumb trashmouth why dont u go mother one of your weird geek friends im so fucking sick of you”

and richie looks WRECKED

(richie only ever wanted mike to look up to him like richie looks up to nancy)

(he didn’t know that by trying to be mike’s confidant he was pushing him further away)

“i don’t need an older brother” mike is wrapping up, and there’s tears running down richie’s face and steaming up his glasses and mike’s crying too and gOD he really didn’t want to do this but it feels so fucking good to get it all out “i just need my twin”

richie fuckin knocks into him like a ton of bricks, wrapping his arms around mike and squeezing him tight

and they cry together, tucked into the blanket fort with only the light of a lamp shining across the basement

send me prompts/headcanons/fic requests!

[killerquccns]

Losers Club ll Scooby Gang Pt. 1

[ Bev cries, Eddie wheezes, and Bill hatches a plan. ]

Beverly Buttkicker-Today at 2:09 PM

Beverly had been crying for at least an hour, shoving things into a suitcase and trying to find the nerve to tell them. To look every single one of her friends in he eye and tell them that she no longer could see them. That she didn't love them anymore. Beverly sent several frantic texts to Derek asking him if she could stay with him. She didn't know for how long. Forever? A week? Until this stupid director fucker died? Beverly rolled her suitcase out into her living room and let out another broken sob, the front door to her apartment Opening as her friends and roommate arrived(edited)

Big Bill-Today at 2:13 PM

Billy came as soon as he got the texts from Bev she didn't sound anything like herself. So when he got there she was packing her bags which only freaked him out more. "What happened?"  He asked moving closer to her. "Where are you going?"

Richie Rich-Today at 2:14 PM

Richie groaned as he tried to get himself up out of bed, a daily struggle when you didn’t have your hands to push yourself up. He tucked his arms into his chest and rolled to the edge, using his good leg to push himself up into a standing position. “Noice,” he said, when he managed to get up without hurting himself. He hobbled out of his room and out to the living room. “What’s up?” He asked then frowned in confusion at the sight. “Bev?” He asked. “What’s going on?” He asked, limping over to the girl who was in tears. “What the fuck happened?” He demanded, already getting angry at whoever made her cry.

Eddie Clussghetti-Today at 2:19 PM

Eddie (who was shocked at the fact that one could just leave class) took a deep breath after putting his phone back into his fannypack and meekly scurried out of his lecture. Bev didn't send 911s out often, so the worst came to mind as he stepped on the gas pedal of his mom car to get to her and Richie's apartment. Was it The Director? Derek? Her showcase? Whatever it was he knew he needed to get to his friends. Bursting into their apartment, Eddie stood shocked in Beverly's doorway as his eyes fixated on the suitcase. "Bevvy?... what's the matter?"

Beverly Buttkicker-Today at 2:23 PM

Beverly kept her eyes to the ground, breath uneven as sobs continued to move through her. She was supposed to be the strong one. Beverly was the strong one. "I'm leaving. I can't be here anymore." She clenched her fists tightly, nails digging into her skin. She was working up the nerve to say it. To break them, all of them.

Eddie Clussghetti-Today at 2:34 PM

Throwing his bag to the floor, Eddie rushed to console his friend, "Hey, Bevvy, breathe! What the hell are you talking about?? Were you freaked out by The Director coming back?? Is that why you're leaving?"

Richie Rich-Today at 2:39 PM

“Where the fuck are you going to go, Bev? What the hell do you mean you’re leaving?” He asked, shaking his head at her and looking at her with brows raised. “Was it that asshole, Gingerdick?”he demanded, wanting to know what had happened and who was messing with her. “Wait, is it that fucking psychotic wannabe indie filmmaker? Is he fucking with you?” He asked, knowing first formerhand (since he didn’t have hands anymore). “What is happening, Bev. You have to fucking tell us.”

Beverly Buttkicker-Today at 2:51 PM

Beverly jerked back away from them. "No, I can't be here with you!" She spat, she looked into the worried eyes of her friends. The director could find out if she told them her real reason for doing this. She couldn't risk them hating her for sending him and herself to jail when they could all be free. "I can't keep fucking reliving our childhood every fucking day! Don't you guys have other friends? Can't I have some fucking space?" She dug her nails farther into her palms. "I hate this. I hate you. All of you!"

Richie Rich-Today at 4:02 PM

“Bullshit, Beverly!” Richie snapped back at her angrily and shook his head as he looked at the girl. “Someone is fucking with you. I think I know you better than that,” he pointed out to her and stepped towards her as she backed away from them. “I’ve tried handling this shit myself, it doesn’t fucking work out.”

Eddie Clussghetti-Today at 4:09 PM

Eddie put a hand on Richie's shoulders to calm him, "Che, dont yell at her. It's not going to make things any better." He squeezed the other's shoulders before turning back to Bev, frowning. Eddie had constantly played this scenario in his head with every one of the Losers, but never thought it'd come true. "Bev, are you serious?" he asked softly, trying not to let his voice crack with sadness.

Richie Rich-Today at 4:15 PM

Richie relaxed a little when Eddie put his hands on his shoulders and made him back off of the girl. He took a breath and let it out slowly. “Neither will pulling bullshit like this,” he said, waving in Bev’s direction. He nodded lightly at Eddie’s words and looked to her. “Yeah, you serious? That fucking years of friendship is just bullshit? Because I think you saying it is, is what the real bullshit is. What does that asshole have on you? Who are they threatening now?”

Beverly Buttkicker-Today at 4:20 PM

Bev ran her hands through her hair, ripping some of the strands out as she huffed. Hearing Eddie's voice, these guys were her family. They knew every secret  she had except one. Except the one secret only her and Richie had. "They have footage!" She broke, collapsing onto her couch. Beverly buried her head in her hands.

Eddie Clussghetti-Today at 4:22 PM

Eddie couldnt help but blink in confusion, turning to his group of friends to see if they looked as if they knew more than him. When everyone but Richie seemed to look as clueless, Eddie looked back to the girl on the couch, "What footage?"

Beverly Buttkicker-Today at 4:30 PM

Bev looked up at Richie. Could she tell them? "I can't tell you. You could all get killed. I'm not risking it. I have to leave." She didn't want to think about the  night that Alvin Sutton snapped and Beverly finally fought back.

Richie Rich-Today at 4:43 PM

Richie tensed at that before shaking his head at her words. “That’s impossible,” he replied, looking at her with a frown of worry and frustration. “It’s just not possible,” he repeated as if denying it would make the situation less upsetting. “Bev, they’re bluffing. How could they fucking possibly have footage?” He asked.

Beverly Buttkicker-Today at 4:57 PM

Bev shook her head. She held her phone towards him. She was sent the footage, unsure herself if it were possible. Beverly was reliving her father- Alvins hands on her body. The way she struggled to breath and frantically reached for the vase that had clattered to the floor when he knocked her into the end table. "It's there. They know. I have to do what they say, I'm already breaking their rules. This is going to end badly everywhere."

Big Bill-Today at 5:02 PM

Bill looked over at the phone shocked from what he had seen, he had no idea her and Richie had done this. He was more then happy when Bev's dad dissapeared it was no secert that he was hurtting her. they could have said that it was self defense at the time but now it was too late. This looked bad really bad. The boy licked his lips before speaking. "It's not going to get out unless....." He trailed off. "I have something to tell you guys too."

Richie Rich-Today at 5:03 PM

Richie looked at the girl’s phone and saw the video that had been sent to her. It couldn’t have been possible, how was it possible? He shook his head and took a deep breath as he tried to think about how they could fix this, how they could get this covered up again. He looked to Bill when he spoke up. “What? More bodies in our closets?” He asked with a humorless laugh.

Eddie Clussghetti-Today at 5:06 PM

Wide eyed, Eddie watched the phone and was as shocked as the others around him. "You guys KILLED your dad????" he said, not knowing else what to say to his boyfriend and female best friend, "What the fuck guys?!" Eddie looked to Bill throwing his arms up, "Oh great, did you kill someone too?? Anyone else gunna admit to any felonies while we're all here???"

Beverly Buttkicker-Today at 5:08 PM

Beverly wanted to scream in frustration. "He deserved it!" Beverly shouted. "He tried to..." She couldn't say the words  couldn't utter them. "You don't know!"

Richie Rich-Today at 5:11 PM

“Technically, I only helped cover it up,” Richie replied with a small smile on his lips as he looked at Eddie as the boy predictably started freaking out. “It’s not like he didn’t fucking deserve it, you knew how he was, Eds. He made my dad look like a saint,” he responded. “Well...” he said, trailing off when Eddie mentioned more felonies then laughed and shook his head. He knew laughing wasn’t the appropriate reAction but it was all he could do in the moment.

Big Bill-Today at 5:12 PM

Seeing Bev like those broke his heart and he wanted more then anything to fix it. "I went to go see Aurora in jail." He confessed looking around at his friends. "I went over there to yell at her I thought it would make me feel better or something. But she told me that night she had been drugged that  night and that more then one person had knocked her out and changed her into the director costume. She said that they haven't published the secerty tapes from that night but that the people who did it were on that tape. If we get the tapes we could see whos behind all of this and stop what's going on."

Eddie Clussghetti-Today at 5:16 PM

"Ya still just cant go around KILLING PEOPLE!" Eddie protested, fumbling with his fannypack zipper. His shaky hands grabbed for his inhaler, pumping the medicine into his mouth, "You went to see AURORA?!?!" He wheezed out the name, clutching his chest as he prepared to have a possible anxiety attack, "Yeah because a MURDERER is gunna tell you the truth, Bill!! What if this is a trap?! Are you seriously going to trust someone who hurt Georgie???"

Beverly Buttkicker-Today at 5:16 PM

"What?" Bev looked up at Bill. Was he suggesting that they fucking scooby gang this? This was insane. She should have just left. Not even told anyone. It would have been easier. Beverly stood up and  wiped her eyes, frustrated tears welling up in them. "You all could get hurt. I can't see you all get hurt," she felt sorry for Eddie. This was all her fault.

Mikey Spikey-Today at 5:20 PM

Mike hadn't seen any of his friends' texts once he got to class. He made a point to put his phone on silent and leave it in his backpack when he knew he had to be paying attention - but this was one of the times that he regretted it. As soon as he got out of class he rushed to Bev and Richie's place, knocking on the door before letting himself in anyway. "Hey, what's going on? Is everyone okay?" He called, heading towards the living room where he heard the voices.

Big Bill-Today at 5:20 PM

"No obviously I don't fucking trust her! But the tapes are real and they do have evidence to whose behind all of this. If we can at least get those we would have some leverage against these monsters. Don't bring Georgie into this!" He yelled back at Eddie, BIll wished that he could see the big picture in all of this.  "No one is going to get hurt it's going to be fine." He reassured Bev.(edited)

Beverly Buttkicker-Today at 5:21 PM

"I fucking murdered someone, the director knows and they want me to leave you all under threat of sending Richie to fucking prison. No No one is going to be fine Bill!" She smacked her hands on his chest  "I should have fucking left!"

Richie Rich-Today at 5:21 PM

“We’re not going around killing people. Eddie, you need to breathe,” he told the other, now worrying about the other as he started to wheeze and take puffs from his inhaler. He put his arm around the other and tried to rub over his back as best as he could, not sure if the touch was still welcome after what just came out. He looked over at Bill when he started talking. He listened and watched for a moment before cracking up at the boy’s words. “Are you fucking serious?” He asked the other, still chuckling lightly as he spoke to the other. “You’re going to believe that bitch? Babe, she’s trying to pull another one on you,” he told him. “I know she was a good fuck, but you’re not seriously going to believe she didn’t have any part in this,” he said. “She stabbed that kid that night she got caught! Other director or not, she’s still one of them,” he told him. “But getting those tapes could be good... pull one over on them.”

Mikey Spikey-Today at 5:22 PM

Mike's eyes widened when he walked into the living room and heard everyone yelling and he froze in the doorway, trying to absorb as much information as he could and put the pieces together to figure out what actually happened.

Richie Rich-Today at 5:23 PM

“No one is going to jail, Bev,” Richie assured her, lookin over at mike when the other joined. “Welcome to the panic club, asshole,” he said instead of a greeting.

Beverly Buttkicker-Today at 5:24 PM

"I'm a Murderer. " Beverly stated. "I'm going to jail." She didn't feel like this was going to get better. There was no way it could get better.(edited)

Mikey Spikey-Today at 5:26 PM

"Who did you kill?" Mike asked quietly, honestly just trying to catch up. "When was this?" For all he knew, she could have killed someone when he was in class and that was what they were all freaking out about.

Eddie Clussghetti-Today at 5:27 PM

"Im bringing Georgie into this because Im tired of all my fucking friends getting hurt!!" he yelled, pointing over to Richie as he argued with Bill, "Richie almost fucking died because of that girl! Georgie cant walk! Stan's brother got fucking shanked and now Bev and Richie might go to jail! I cant take this shit!" Eddie lost breath once more, puffing another stream of his inhaler into his mouth. "I want it to be over, but I think we all need to agree here that fucking with The Director is going to put us on the shit list even more!" he raised his voice, trying to let Richie's touch calm him. Bill had good points, but he was terrified."ITS SUMMER WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING FUN"

Big Bill-Today at 5:29 PM

Bill tried to hold on to Bev's hands when she started hitting his chest. "You're not going to jail. We could just make it look like you left, make the director think they you're playing along too all of their bullshit." He said. "I don't know, Richie. I don't know who's lying and who's telling the truth but we need to get those taps. I'm not saying I believe her, Eddie! You think that I don't care all of those people got hurt? I think I feel okay about the fact that /my sister/ can't walk and I can't do anything about it.  I'm supposed to look after her. I'm the one she looks up to and this happened all while I was here. It fucking breaks my heart but trying to do as much as I can now. If we don't fight this we're all good as dead anyway. I'm not letting them take power over my life anymore."

Eddie Clussghetti-Today at 5:30 PM

(he didn't actually say that im just memeing)

Big Bill-Today at 5:30 PM

"IF SOMEONE SAYS IT'S SUMMER ONE MORE FUCKING TIME!!!"(me too sis haha)

Richie Rich-Today at 5:31 PM

“Your mom’s vagina, Mike. She killed her dad, get with the program,” he snapped at the other and continued to rub Eddie’s back gently as the other continued to panic. “Not if we get stuff on them, Eds,” he told the other and shook his head lightly. “Okay, everyone SHUT THE FUCK UP! And let’s start on Big Bills plan. It needs some fine tuning.”

Eddie Clussghetti-Today at 5:37 PM

Eddie, after a number of panicked breaths he took to try and calm himself, stared at each of his friends. He knew two things. 1) They were definitely going to come out of this fucked and 2) He had to be there for his friends. He owed Bill his support. ".... I fucking cant believe we're doing this." he huffed, running his fingers through his hair. "I'm in-- but only because I'm not lettin you guys put targets on your backs alone... So.... what's the plan, fearless leader?"(edited)

Richie Rich-Today at 5:39 PM

“We’ve done worse,” he said with a shrug and laugh, that much was evident from what Bev just showed everyone. “We’re all in. Now we gotta figure out how to get those security tapes. The cops don’t have them?” He asked, though he wasn’t sure why he even asked. One of the cops had shot the victim the night that Aurora got captured.

Beverly Buttkicker-Today at 5:40 PM

Beverly was exhausted just utterly exhausted. "We'd have to get through Aurora." She sniffled. Beverly wasn't entirely sure this would work. Where was she going to stay. "Auroras the key but we gotta make sure she's not still funneling information to them."

Big Bill-Today at 5:51 PM

"The cops don't have taps yet because the gala won't give it to them since they need a warrent. So my best guess is that it's still on the computer system there. We just have to turn off the camers which I'm sure Stan can do before we get inside so that way the director doesn't put more blam on us. Making us look guilty. Then me and Bev sneak inside find where they keep the  security tapes look through them get what we need and get out." He said with a nod he hadn't really thought of a plan up until then but he felt sure about this plan. They were counting on him and he wasn't about to let everyone down. "I'm sure if you had questions one of us could go visit her."

Eddie Clussghetti-Today at 5:51 PM

"camers"

Richie Rich-Today at 5:51 PM

"LEAVE BILL ALONE!"

Beverly Buttkicker-Today at 5:53 PM

"I can't be seen with any of you guys. I can't go on this mission" she crossed her arms over her chest. "I also can't stay here, I am gonna stay with Derek, that way Mike can keep me up to date. I can't get caught."

Eddie Clussghetti-Today at 5:53 PM

The room fell silent as they listened to his plan. Eddie slowly raised his hand up to ask a question, "What if it's a trap?"

Mikey Spikey-Today at 5:54 PM

"But how do we get inside to let Stan get to the computers in the first place?" Mike asked, glad to finally realize what was going on. "Obviously we have to distract the employees somehow, and figure out where they keep their security footage beforehand." He looked over at Bev, thinking. "So you're going to tell Derek all of this is happening?" He wasn't questioning the idea per say, just making sure.

Beverly Buttkicker-Today at 5:55 PM

"No, I can't, it's gonna put him at risk. He was going to let me stay with him anyway." She chewed her lip. "He thinks Richie and I had a fight."

Big Bill-Today at 5:57 PM

"Fine then Richie would come with me." His stomach turned when she brought up Derek but there were bigger things going on. "How about we pretend to be a part of one of the parties? Learn the layout of the land and RIchie could flirt with a security guard and get the keys? So that way we already know when everything is and they won't ask us why we're there." Bill suggested.

Richie Rich-Today at 5:59 PM

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” he said to Eds and nodded along with Bill’s plans. He looked to Mike when the other spoke. “All business have pretty much the same layout. There’s always a security room where it’s all kept,” he pointed out and continued to gently rub at Eds back awkwardly with his arm since his hand was still out of commission, a fact that taunted him every moment of every day. “Distractions shouldn’t be that bad. We were there a couple days ago, we can do what Bill said or make up an excuse,” he said and nodded when Bill said he’d go with him.

Mikey Spikey-Today at 6:00 PM

Mike sighed a little bit at what Richie said about the security room. "All I'm saying is we should figure out where the security room is first, before we try and break into it. We don't want to be wandering aimlessly looking for a room labeled Security when they may not even have a sign on the door."

Eddie Clussghetti-Today at 6:02 PM

"Richie looks like the mummy right now with all his casts. Im going with you guys." he insisted, rolling his sleeves up, "I can fake a seizure or something if we need a distraction..... as fucked as that is. Let me call the gala hall and pretend to be one of the attendants. Ill say i forgot what time they party is, theyll give us the time, stan can do his computer magic, and the rest of us will take care of business." Eddie looked to Bev, "Bev, your job is to stay out of trouble. Maybe you could help Stan? See if he'll need help..."

Richie Rich-Today at 6:03 PM

“Like I said, they have pretty much the same layout,” he repeated. “We could try finding the plans of the place or even just a fucking tour of the place online has maps and shit most of the time for safety purposes,” he said with a shrug. “Faking a seizure, that definitely works.”

Beverly Buttkicker-Today at 6:05 PM

"Wait, my showcase!" Bev didn't realize why she didn't think of it before. She reached for her phone. "The end of the month,  my Showcase is being held at the gala hall. It's a faculty and student showcase!"

Eddie Clussghetti-Today at 6:12 PM

Eddie looked down at his phone to look at the text from Georgie. His neck snapped back up, panic on his face, "Fuck guys, we cant tell Georgie about this. She might want to help and we cant just put her in danger like this."

Richie Rich-Today at 6:14 PM

"The showcase, perfect! That way we actually can walk around and look for more than just the security room," he replied and nodded. "Plus the staff would be busy with the showcase to think about a couple kids sneaking away to hook up again," he pointed out and nodded. He nodded along with Eddie and frowned. "No one tells Georgie, but she stays with Stan when we do all this. No one is going to be alone. Fucking buddy system."

Raphy Waphy-Today at 6:33 PM

Driving as quickly, but safely, as he could, Raph tried to get to Bev and Richies place. Parking, he locked up his car and moved to head into their apartment. "Uh hey guys. Whats going on?"

Beverly Buttkicker-Today at 6:36 PM

"The director told me, I needed to essentially break up with all of you and hurt you or else he was going to show the footage of Richie and I making my dad's death look like an accident because I killed him." She said and sighed. She reached for Bills hand, "We have a plan though."

Raphy Waphy-Today at 6:39 PM

"Wait... you guys killed him?" Raph asked softly trying to process everything that had happened before shaking his head. "But the director was caught. Or at least... okay, whats the plan then?"

Richie Rich-Today at 6:58 PM

"Technically, I just aided and abetted," he replied with a little shrug of his shoulders. "They caught one of them, but not all of them. There is noway anyone else could have gotten that footage."

[viralhottopics]

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Last Week They Took An L, But This Week They Bounced Back Kinda

Welcome, welcome, welcome. After last weeks very entertaining trainwreck, I gotta say I was pretty fucking pumped to revisit the AYTO cast. Nothing makes these recaps easier to write than failure of other people. Lucky for me, this cast not only fails but also does some straight-up stupid shit in the process. I mean, between Tyler and Carolina these recaps practically write themselves.

Anyways, Im drinking cheap wine and my laptop is charged. Lets begin now.

AFTER BLACKING OUT AND LOSING A SHIT TON OF MONEY

Carolina has produced enough tears to give the town of Flint some clean water. Shes literally moving from one location to the other just fucking sobbing. Joeys pretty upset toonow hes a loveless trashman. Sad!

They are both like kneeling on the floor, praying to sweet baby Jesus that they can overcome this horrible hardship of losing your love of two weeks. Joeys low-key kneeling down to pick up some trash off the ground because you cannot take the man away from his livelihood, goddammit.

Kathryn/Rushboobs is like ARE WE DONE?? to Ozzy and its like, uh, is this a trick question? Oh duh, I forgot shes an education major from FSU. Someone needs to basically fucking spell out how this game works for her.

Ozzy tries to let her down easy and she storms off because how dare he try and focus on the whole object of the game!?

Kam, the girl with the grey/purple hair as my mom calls her (like, mom its a three fucking letter name), is like “OKAY EVERYONE STOP FUCKING CRYING.” I am Kam, Kam is me.

Rushboobs cant help that she has a lot of feelings and the fucking mentality of a 14-year-old.

Tee is like “I WANT A BOYFRIEND WITH A BRAIN.” And when you want an intellectual boyfriend the first place you should go is an MTV reality show. *cough, cough BULLSHIT cough*

Shes into Oswaldo, who is low-key hot but also looks like Austin Ames friend from (the one in the middle). YEAH, I KNOW, IM FUCKING RIGHT.

He is talking about how he wants to be a businessman and watches Animal Planet because knowledge is power. Yeah, I bet watching episodes of is really going to put you ahead in your fuckin career.

Honestly, I cannot hear him saying anything besides diner girl.

THE CHALLENGE

Can I just saylots of slow motion running this season. We get it. You use special effects.

The game involves the casts social media and they have to answer questions based off their profiles. Apparently they all are fucking crazy online too, further solidifying the fact that they will never get jobs in the real world.

Except Joey. Trash collecting doesnt have a lot of requirements to it.

They all are asked the same questions and need to find the answer for their partner in a maze like web that Ryan so cleverly calls the inter-net.

Whenever Ryan says something fucking cheesy that cast cracks up like its the best shit theyve ever heard. I imagine producers are standing behind them with like guns pointed to their backsfucking laugh at Ryans pun or Ill murder your family. Carolina, shed a tear if you need help.

Thats not really a thing, you fucking idiots.

It goes like this:

Question: Biggest turnoff in a guy?

JOEY: I know KARI likes a guy who listens, because I listen. ALSO JOEY: I know KARI likes a guy who eats food because I eat food.

Joey, be a doll and never speak again. Thanks!

Question: If I won the lotto what would I buy?

NORMAL PEOPLE: A plane ticket anywhere in the world! NORMAL PEOPLE: I would donate to charity! NORMAL PEOPLE: I would pay loans! HAYDEN: ME BUY LARGE TRUCK.

Question: Whats a gross habit you have?

OZZY: Im just here to fuck Carolina, so Im picking the first thing I see *picks wipes boogers on the wall* CAROLINA: Omg he knows me so well!!!

Note to self, never, ever go to Carolinas booger house.

Hayden and Rushboobs get in first, Joey and KARI get second. To make it even more awkward, Ozzy and Carolina get third. Oh, I love this.

Ryan tells them they are all going hiking with monkeys and Ozzy has to act excited, like he doesnt do that every other day.

BACK AT THE HOUSE

Michael is like I WAS AN EMT BUT I QUIT BECAUSE OLD PEOPLE, AM I RIGHT? Thats like being like I WAS A VET, BUT ANIMALS, RIGHT? Michael, further implicating himself as unemployable.

Gianna is like, still having a lady boner over Michael and Hayden has developed a city on Friendzone Island where he is now the mayor. Shes like, laying all over him and totally loving the fact that hes more whipped than a girl in BDSM porn.

Carolina is in love with Ozzy faster than President Trump can delete the LGBT Rights page from his website. Quite suddenly, hes the hottest guy in the house and she liked him the whole time she was with Joey. Hmm, sounds like alternative facts.

Shes like “MY PARENTS WOULD LOVE YOU” hes like “mmmm okay, Booger rubber.”

Also, when talking to the camera separately, Carolina seems like the most boring person literally ever. Was she on a sedative? Why do I feel like they put her on this show like, mid-wisdom teeth removal?

Rushboobs is pounding wine, honestly same, while Ozzy and Carolina start making out.

Tyler, this seasons resident fuckboy, is like Shannon is fun and flirty! Which is the way of saying easy! Shannon, you seem nice, but when you speak I want to throw myself in front of a fucking train. Her voice truly sounds like everything annoying in the world just took a massive shit in her vocal chords. Did she do the voice over for Bubbles in ?

Taylor is like “dafuq is this?” And straight-up calls Tyler out. Shes like you didnt even get to know me very calmly and Tyler is like WOAH.

TYLER: YOU ARENT MY GIRLFRIEND TAYLOR: I know, I just wanted to get to know you because you seem cool TYLER: WOW, WHAT A CRAZY BITCH

Rushboobs is talking to Ozzy about how she still cares about him and shell never forget the 14 days they had together on a reality show, where everything is pretty much superficial.

Carolina comes in hot and is like “RUSHBOOBS DOESNT KNOW IF IM GOOD FOR OZZY OR NOT! not even understanding that they arent talking about her.

Joey comes in to defend Rushboobs and mostly just shit talk Carolina. Joey starts yelling at Carolina about how she juggles guys and shes crazy and all this other bullshit. Joey, pull your tampon out and quit being a little baby about this. Move the fuck on. Youre a single trashmanyour life can only go up from here!

Joeys like “WHY DONT YOU TAKE A FIRST CLASS FLIGHT HOME WITH OZZY!!!!” And its like, ooooohhh good one, bro, and Ozzys like uh, Im from here. Ozzys mom will be picking him up after the show, thanks for the concern though.

Shannon is talking to Tyler and I swear I have heard more interesting shit come out of a Baby Born doll. Why do you sound like you survive on a diet of rainbows and helium? Whatever, they annoy me. Moving on.

THE DATE WITH ALL THE LITTLE BIRDIES AND THE MONKEYS

They go to play with the monkeys and Carolina is like we took food out and the animals attacked us. Wow, groundbreaking.

She and Ozzy start making out and its like, could you just chill for a second? There are fucking animals eating corn off your head.

Joey starts complaining to KARI about Carolina and shes like I think you still like her. KARIs in med school man, dont fuck with her. Also, she can literally see into your mind with those big-ass eyes of hers.

Hes like “I SWEAR ON MY LIFE IM OVER IT! I SWEAR ON EVERYTHING I HAVE EVER LOVED THAT I AM SO OVER THAT HORRIBLE, HATEFUL, CRAZY BITCH CAROLINA.” The trashman doth protest too much.

KARI leaves because she doesnt need this bullshit. She can fucking read minds and save people. Time to move the fuck on.

Am I watching ? Because I swore I just heard Joey say can I steal her for a minute? Joey, do not fucking try to hybrid my reality shows rn!

He pulls Carolina aside and is like KARI WONT TALK TO ME BECAUSE OF YOU!!! Uh, wait what? Carolina starts yelling and this is just a goddam mess. Honestly, the sexual tensionyou could cut it with a knife.

Ozzy goes to save Carolina before she starts rubbing boogers all over Joeys face.

THE TRUTH BOOTH

Carolina and Ozzy are in the Truth Booth, thank god. Put me out of my fucking misery.

But wait, Ryan offers a deal where they dont send Ozzy and Carolina and they take $150,000 bucks instead. But if they take the money, they can never send those two in the truth booth again. Damn Ryan, back at it again with the shitty trades.

The house is divided with Kam being like CAROLINA IS CRAZY TAKE THE MONEY and everyone else being like hmmm idk.

Ryan asks Derrick, who is like the unofficial spokesperson of the house, what their plan is and they decide to not take the truth booth trade. Damn, Ive heard stupider shit come out of Kellyanne Conways mouth.

And lookie here, NO MATCH.

Moral of the story: Listen to Kam. Listen to me. Never make a decision on your own. Bye!

Carolina is crying again. Someone put a Brita filter under this bitch.

Rushboobs is like wow this is so sad *smiles* *dances* *throws flowers around the room* *throws party*

Joey and Rushboobs bond over alcohol and their hatred of Carolina and start flirting. This is how it goes, I shit you not:

RUSHBOOBS: Stop! JOEY: No, you stop *leans in closer* RUSHBOOBS: No, you stop *leans in closer* ME: NO SERIOUSLY, FUCKIN STOP.

Ive seen better flirting skills from a fucking third grader. Where did you learn to communicate with the opposite sex, Rushboobsyour students? Joey, I dont even want to know how your livelihood has affected your lovelife.

Tee is like “I CANNOT WAIT TO FUCK OSWALDO,” and its like, wow okay. Shoutout to her parents. But also, do you girl #womensmarch

KARI and Tyler start talking. Tylers playing the role of the victim like I cant help that every girl wants to bone me! wow, life must be so hard for you. How do you even get up in the morning?

Tyler is hot though, dammit. Always the pretty ones. KARI ends up straddling him and they go to bed together. Well. Okay then.

Meanwhile, Kam and Eddie are hanging out and giving me couple goals. If they arent a match Im fucking throwing hands.

MTV: Kam and Eddie, you are not a couple ME: CASH ME OUTSIDE, HOW BOW DAH

THE MATCHUP CEREMONY

The girls pick tonight so hopefully it wont be too much of a shit show.

Rushboobs picks Joey, a trashy match made in heaven.

Tee picks Osvaldo, the knowledgeable son of a bitch. I imagine he is just whispering animal facts into her ear all night.

Hannah picks Derrick/Kellyanne.

Casandra and Jaylen. Yawn.

Kam and Eddie, because duh.

Shannon picks Tyler. Yuck. Ryans like Tyler, hows it going? And Tylers like “I GOT TO KNOW KARI INTIMATELY!” Okay. Not the question but whatever. So classy. Goddam, I want to kiss your face but also hit it with shovel???

Hes like I was sauced and tries to act like it was a drunken thing. Very cool of him. And STOP USING THE TERM SAUCED. Like I literally just picture you rolling around in marinara.

KARIs like fuck it, yeah I gave him a handjob. Wow, okay MTV youre really doin the damn thing. Honestly, who hasnt given a regretful handjob?

Taylor is crying because shes like wait you never even spoke to me! Everyone, including me, feels bad for Taylor because like, Tylers fucking gross.

Tyler: The funny thing about a conversation is give me a handjob.

Tylers like I guess Im the bad guy and its like, hmmm, what gave it away? I shall play you the worlds smallest violin. Can you hear it?

Carolina picks Hayden and Giannas like “WTF NO.”

Gianna picks Ozzy and Ozzy literally looks like he wants to kill himself. Relatable.

Alicia picks Mike. Cool story.

Taylor comes up and crying and Ryans like how do you feel? Uh how do you think she fucking feels? Is the crying not a clue? Shes like I feel disrespected but honestly, when am I ever not. This is like a speech from a movie.

TAYLOR TO TYLER: But waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought, useless and disappointing. (name the movie)

Taylor picks Michael as her perfect match.

Andre is like “Taylor is hot and sad. I make happy. We bone. Yay!”

Im endorsing that couple RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.

Andre and KARI are left.

They are all like we cannot get another blackout! and Im like just fuck me up, fam. Give me another blackout, make my goddam day.

But alas, they get 4 BEAMS. Not bad for a bunch of pretty degenerates.

Cant wait to see what fuckery next week holds!

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from ‘Are You The One?’ Recap: Last Week They Took An L, But This Week They Bounced Back Kinda