#seriously don't hate yourself

[projectbluearcadia]

Just Mix Up And Down

[ Trigger Warning - Self-Hatred, implied s**cid*l tendencies You're not perfect, and you're only one person. People care about you.

Reader Discretion Advised ]

Lucifer: And?

Here we go...

Annelie: And what?

Lucifer hands Annelie a cutting board. 

Lucifer: You know what. 

Annelie: No idea what you’re talking about.

Annelie starts cutting vegetables while Lucifer restrains a mandragora root. 

Lucifer: Annelie, it’s not often that I see you genuinely angry. 

Annelie: ...the memories I have of Lizzy aren’t good ones. 

Annelie stops her knife. 

Annelie: Honestly, this is kind of a nightmare for me. She says something off-the-cuff, and I’m reminded of the phonecalls, that asshole that called himself her father, h-her desire to show me what she did to herself... 

Annelie starts shaking, her voice rising up and down. 

Annelie: I get so angry, and then I hate myself for getting angry at her because I’m supposed to be her friend. I was always listening, for years I was listening, and she was in so much pain all the time. I wanted to help her. I wanted to, but everything I ever did only seemed to make it worse, and I just... 

Tears spill from Annelie’s eyes. 

Annelie: What was I supposed to do? I was her anchor, and I couldn’t even return the love she had for me. I couldn’t even help her. I was powerless!

Lucifer rushes over to hug her.

Annelie: DON’T TOUCH ME! 

Lucifer flinches, and Satan, returning with fresh meat, stops in his tracks and drops it on the floor. 

Annelie: I’m... I’m a foul person. I pretend, and I pretend and I pretend some more that I care, but I don’t. I pretend that I’m some kind of saint that wants to save people, but if I really cared about her, she would have felt better. She wouldn’t have been the one begging for my attention. If I’d tried a little harder, I could have held her in my arms and kissed her and told her that everything would be okay. I couldn’t let go of myself for just one second for her. 

You fucking selfish bitch. You just wanted to get rid of her. Was it too much to handle for you? You think you’re such an exemplary human being when you’re the one that left her to die.

Satan: Annelie, I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, but stop it. Lucifer’s close to breaking point. 

Annelie jolts as she looks at Lucifer, who seems as if he’s going to cry. Satan’s demon form starts to come out. 

Lucifer: ...I’m fine, Satan.

Satan: You’re clearly not. Neither of you are fine. I pretend to smile enough, so don’t treat me like an idiot. Annelie, there is no one in this goddamn house that thinks you’re a bad person, so stop crying before I or someone else kills that woman. If Lucifer starts crying in front of me, which I do not want to fucking see, you’d better make sure I don’t see her face in here again. I don’t care what her reasons are, because as far as I’m concerned, she’s an outsider and doesn’t belong here. 

Annelie: Satan...

They... all get so angry for my sake. If something hurts me, they always come running. No matter what. But... wouldn’t I do the same? In the end, for them, I...

Annelie sniffles and walks over to the two boys and hugs them both as tightly as she can. Satan blushes. 

Satan: Wait, woah, I just had my hands on raw meat—

Annelie: Oh, shut up. 

Annelie kisses his cheek before she kisses the corners of Lucifer’s eyes. 

Annelie: I’m sorry. I didn’t want to drag you into this mess. I’m just... It’s a lot for me. I don’t want to snap at her. 

Satan: Then take your own advice and take a deep breath. 

Annelie: Ass. 

Annelie fluffs Satan’s hair, and he swats at her. 

Annelie: I should start calling you Catan again. Haha. 

Lucifer: Are you flirting with Satan again?

Annelie: No, you jealous idiot. Besides, when he talks about BDSM play, he scares the shit out of me.

Satan: Eh? I do?

Annelie: I mean, Lucifer’s into some rough stuff, but he doesn't do anything too hard. I mean, he’s never, y’know, choked me until I passed out or put me in a cage and degraded me to oblivion... 

Lucifer: And why were you talking about Satan’s preferences?

Annelie: Ah, oh, we were reading Diabolic Lamb, and there’s a really abusive and horrifying relationship between one of the characters and their mother—

Lucifer: Stop, I read that one. Fine, I’ll give you a pass. 

Satan: I might like some... more rough things sometimes, but you’re just as bad with that NSFW ASMR obsession.

Lucifer: You’re into what now?

Annelie: Uhhh...

Satan: She didn’t tell you about that? I’ll be damned. 

Lucifer: Tell me about what? What’d she say to you, Satan?

Satan: Haha. Not telling. 

Lucifer: Annelie, what is that?

Annelie: Not telling...?

Mostly because it already drives me crazy when he uses my voice kink against me.

Lucifer: Okay, Karasu, what the flying hell is “NSFW ASMR”?

Karasu OS: ASMR stands for “autonomous sensory meridian response.” This is a subjective experience which some humans feel when their ears are stimulated by certain sounds, often described as a tingling or electric sensation. NSFW stands for Not Safe For—

Lucifer: Annelie, we’re going to have a talk after dinner. 

Annelie: Just a talk... right?

Satan: When is it ever just a talk with him?

Annelie: ;;;;

[uncanny-tranny]

Good news! You aren't required to make your hobbies and passions "marketable." In fact, your crafts, hobbies, and passions don't even need to be public if you so choose. You don't have to spend all of your energy becoming perfect if you aren't enjoying the process. You are not a product, you are a person, a creative, and your work also does not need to be a product.

[essektheylyss]

ngl, mentioning one of my hyperfixations does not necessarily activate my trap card. mentioning a book or media that I LOATHED, on the other hand,

[creepykuroneko]

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I fucken hate the Tumblr neurodivergent community.

[cacw]

I think online mutual culture is killing some of you

[pa-pa-plasma]

kind of frustrating that people took "fat does not equal unhealthy" to mean "fat is not unhealthy." sometimes being obese IS unhealthy & excess fat can cause a lot of problems. ignoring health issues isn't progressive. real "oranges kill people with depression" moment

[bandzboy]

there's this post going around on twitter of someone giving their opinion that idol's dance skills are the least important to them and that they are artists first and they don't hear the squeak of their feet on the track so why does it matter, which is something to also unpack in itself, but then someone quoted that tweet being like "idols... are...artists?" and.... i just can't help but stare because if this doesn't show how people don't take idols artistry and talent seriously and only see them as content and not people then i don't know what does.... so you are telling me this WHOLE TIME... you thought they couldn't be classified as real artists even tho they spend years and years training to debut and spend days practising for performances and recording and doing wtv else but you still THINK... they shouldn't be called artists like?? if you genuinely think that it means that you don't actually like the music they produce and the performances they do which also begs the question: if you don't like it... WHY TF ARE YOU HERE THEN??

[silencingspellsongs]

begging people to adopt the idgaf mindset i think if we all just developed a lil idgaf energy it would lead us to nirvana

[nervoustragedyluminary]

"I'm not like the other TMEs who [literal TERF/MRA/Conservative rhetoric talking points about 'afab' trans people shoehorned in with blaming them for all transmisogyny while shifting the blame off of cis people] I'm a true ally to trans women "

*proceeds to spend all their time harassing trans people online and not actually doing shit about transmisogyny exorsexism transandrophobia transphobia or misogyny.....

because they never gave a shit about transmisogyny in the first place beyond using its existence as a (transparent) shield to call other people hysterical trenders

[unproduciblesmackdown]

among the boundless billions zaniness like laugh track as it definitely has that moment of expressing "rolling my eyes as The Left makes a kerfuffle of Acting like they have a stance as a veneer over the true belief that [xyz] is cool & chill actually" like what, approximate 0.000% chance wendy isn't, as usual, given the Objective Stance of "yeah yeah ohh we are cancelling involved parties talking about how we Don't watch this But. we all love this damn epic movie & already have it memorized so shut the fuck up, kids today" like. don't wanna really delve into how much billions thinks taylor or anyone is "really" trans / nonbinary like not too much benefit of the doubt in this material including what does provide info abt that specifically

& the general like [head in hands. what do you think any of this could possibly be about (you're the one that made your show at all about Power)] of "yes, it's bad/wrong to be someone that someone has done something to / victim of something" like that to be anti misogyny All Women Must Be Epic Winners b/c there's something to be proved: that they don't Deserve to be victims (of misogyny), not taken as a Given. while when we see some epic winner men stepping on other men (who need not all be guaranteed Winners so as to say misogyny is wrong), that's often Good, well beyond any assumption that various forms of basic disrespect / violation / patterns of emergent/entrenched power difference as Bad (for being things done to people, not for there being people they're being done to), & generally billions has to take an extra step when ppl get shitted on & tell us the Specific Cases when it was undeserved actually & someone was being mean to a specific person who didn't deserve that. & the specific cases when hey guess it wasn't that bad(tm) or when hey It's Okay that you're someone something was done to, in this case. & tell us what we were supposed to know all along like when someone who something was being done to (wrong Of Them, whether b/c they inherently deserve it no matter what, &/or b/c they failed to be someone who could make it Impossible to do anything to them, which, how do you do that besides being The Authority / Superior yourself, exactly? nonrhetorically? what if the in group vs out group / fascism / authoritarianism protected Me?) was actually being treated Too Well b/c ah well the abuse meant you were getting any attention, maybe it meant you were claimed as any superior's property, maybe it meant you weren't Already disposed of, as all Losers were in the end, You're Welcome.

obviously referring to winston where it's spelled out all the abuse towards him was deserved, & More than he deserved in the case of rian having more access & taking advantage of that, all for billions' enjoying its own sendoff there of, again, maximizing violation & violence short of [real violence is physical & leaves bruises / draws blood / Literally kills] which would be distasteful in general But doesn't it make wags look like the winner & winston the loser is that the former's completely unrelated completely impersonal ego blow gets way amplified taken out on winston, the most vulnerable recurring character when spyros as [first & ultimate Everyone Hates Him role] is more entrenched in there & billions still magnanimously pities tuk, as it does winston too, just not quite as much. again that like completely surface level realized power fantasy of forcing the mirror up to the Inferior so they're like nooo my inferiorityyyy & in doing so like, the projection in that lmao, we get it re: the valuing of & need(tm) for such Power Tripping & Reaffirming My Superiority & My Ego Restored; Everyone Claps like good god. & then for all ben & tuk are the slightly softer Two Too Nice Boys duo to the rian & winston quant duo, also like too nice i guess but not as much, ben is in charge of tuk but Any instance of rian being in charge of winston outstrips them in that "yay interpersonal abuse" dynamic, like then in the end billions may be like "yeah it's possible to be mean to them unlike how being mean to winston is actually Nice b/c he deserves everything he gets, we only vicariously enjoy it vs Feeling Bad for tuk & ben sometimes (still magnanimously & it's Not That Bad / just goofin)" like ben & tuk still Fail by not being people it's impossible to do anything to. & not Exceptions who anyone is really being Too Mean to. like if they were women, in which case, no problem surely with a "positive" kind of victim blaming where there is something Inherent that Will be victimized so hey how about to cancel that out there's this special Paternal Protection you Need always, Or Else? :) but instead they are men who are asian & is ben gay & w/tuk & winston nobody mentions glasses or fatness but billions doesn't really do much or very in depth textual mentioning of Anything, even w/nonzero mention that there may be gender & race in this world. a gay man, once. no disability. we just Know who are the inferiors who deserve it when they're treated inferiorly, or if they don't, they start deserving it when they fail to stop/avoid it, but if you start mentioning the factors behind who we all totally agree is inferior like whoa nobody was Saying any of that? being the real agent of oppression on the basis of the factors only You spelled out, much? nonbinary? i never say anything about the Gender Binary when i'm subscribing to it, sounds like You've created & enforced it. obfuscation & deflection onto [so Just Normal nobody has to label, explain, or argue it] couldn't serve a purpose & protect the existing power differences as they are. maybe You're the problem? perhaps you brought it upon yourself & now you're causing too much trouble standing up for yourself while everyone else's criticism is laser focused on you as the prior & continuing negative actions done to you are taken as a given / unquestioned / covertly protected to overtly encouraged?

anyway so wild if the Completely Normal(tm) Victim Blaming is uncritically recreated & oft embraced for "if you're watching this & don't wish you were axe / find him appealing" [billions as a sequence of vicarious power trips] purposes in this series....but a bit wild considering like this is your multiseason show that wasn't just purporting to be those power trips for [enough demographic & apparently specific personal tastes overlap w/creators] & was at all purporting to question the matters of power at play in the material, or yknow, at least to not be completely superficial material while said material is textually & thematically all about power difference being leveraged, how, the consequences, & so on. thus i will have to intermittently talk about it forever like this like lord unbelievable. & the funny little & sometimes less funny less little characters it has trapped in there so that those of us who were never meant to be in the audience can be cursed with this knowledge. like i have some feedback. "imagine not victim blaming" & "imagine adjusting your perspective can go beyond superficial layers added to politely defer to some other ppl while they're present but really like cmon do they deserve that. am i not just saying what we're allll thinking"

[contagious-watermelon]

sometimes its almost like y'all don't think trans men are actually men

[allycat75]

So, Boston Dumb Fuck, maybe instead of following Seth Rogen's lead in pot and pottery (because you obvious can't handle your mellow), why don't you get advice on how to clean out the garbage people in your life.

I also hear he has a great relationship with his kick-ass wife. You should probably ask him about that too since you are completely daft when it comes to women and love, you fucking schmuck!

[punkrockisafulltimejob]

Bleh

[ironwoodwolves]

🎵 I am trying this link thing again. This time, a creature I created, so not getting into the details of it yet. We'll see how that goes. I want to try it. I do like the idea of getting some choice in at least one of my various identities. Plus I kinda feel like everything is out of control right now. And like it's not even my life anymore. So yeah. Which I suppose makes it a copinglink, since that's... literally the reason I want to try doing this.

[satedsaint]

just saw a post that pissed me off and i got to block them peacefully for saying stupid shit ^-^

[alienjaes]

You know, it's funny. When I tell people I have a strong sense of smell, they usually ask what they smell like.

But all I can think about is having my window open and smelling someone's shower gel or shampoo nearby, likely carried out on the hot steam. Or the subtle smell of humidity increasing, possibly indicating a storm. Even the change in someone's laundry detergent is brilliantly lit for me.

I learned from a young age how to block my nose without having to touch it (no clue how that works, but it Does block 98% of all air and smells), just so I could function in the world. I avoid perfume aisles and body shoppes like chemical pits. I gag when someone walking by has too much perfume on - I am not a good metric for how much is too much - or when someone has been smoking.

The thing that's most familiar to me about my irl friends is their smell. I could not place or describe succinctly any of their odours, but I know them by their scent like others know voices. People smell, and I mean that in the most neutral way possible; everything about people, artificial, external, internal, natural, all of it has a smell. Yes, even "odourless" things have a smell, at least to me.

You smell fine, by the way. Don't worry about it.