#sensing i'm going to have to drive an hour to one of the theaters in the city and pay for parking if i want to see this one

[minimanic]

Me @ the local AMC: I Saw the TV Glow this week queen? I Saw the TV Glow this Week? Please? For the love of god?

[dragon-snoots-a-boopin]

Alright, I don't typically comment on stuff like this but, I can't not do that since this is something in the Transformers community that is just absolutely wild.

The fact that Nightshade from Transformers: Earthspark is causing such controversary is driving me up the wall with the amount of stupid takes I've been about this. It's literally a little over one minute part of a 22 minute episode wherein Nightshade tells one of the humans that their pronouns are they/them and the human says their pronouns are she/they and that is the extent of it.

And, of course, all the conservatives are having such a problem with it. I've seen people calling this "revolting" "disgusting" and saying that "they're after your kids" or "felt uncomfortable and unnecessary" which has to be some of the stupidest ones yet, saying that this one minute part of a 22 minute episode is going to brainwash your kids. No one said that conservatives were smart. Though, the worst of the worst one said "The worst part is they imply that the world is evil and you can only trust non-binary people. This is the most sinister message you can send to a child. Absolutely revolting" which like most of that was never specified in that single minute part of the episode. There's is, of course, the typical thing of these conservatives calling this "leftist propaganda that must be repelled" like I just can't roll my eye any harder at the absolutely stupid shit these people are saying about this one minute part of a 22 minute episode that's apart of a season of show that is 26 episodes long.

Now, first thing to me is to throw part of this right back at them. I can't tell you how many military movies that I've gone to the theater to see with my dad (he likes military movies) and those movies will very often have advertising for one or two branches of the military before the movies starts. Plus, on the behind the scenes of military movies they will often talk about putting the actors through training and will gush on and on about how great whatever branch of the military is helping with the movie and it just turns the movie into pro-military propaganda which the conservatives have zero problem with, of course. Yeah, a whole two and a half hour movie of military propaganda and yet this is how they react to a one minute part of a 22 minute episode of a cartoon for kids.

Now, the part of this I really want to talk about that, for as long as I have been apart of the Transformers community, has never made sense to me. WHY DO TRANSFORMING ROBOTS NEED TO BE GENDERED TO BEGIN WITH??? I believe that these Cybertronians probably wouldn't have specific pronouns like he/him or she/her because they're just autonomous robotic organisms from the planet Cybertron. You know why I think people gave these robots genders at all? Because in G1, someone said they needed more diverse characters in the show/comics and thus they introduced the "fembots".

I'm sorry for the hardcore G1 fans but this design is horribly outdated and is just painful to look at. Why the hell did they ever design these characters this way??? Also, the problem is just G1 either but also it leaked into Transformers Prime as well.

Just tell me why all these robots have to have that stereotypical and wholly unrealistic hourglass shape to them??? To me, it's honestly more disgusting and revolting to see these character designs this way because the hourglass shape is just an unrealistic body shape expectation.

Look, I have not watched Transformers: Earthspark because I don't have Paramount Plus and don't want to pay for another streaming service just for one show. But, I don't see anything wrong with Nightshade wanting to have they/them pronouns because I believe that all Transformers characters should be they/them anyway and that they should do a serious redesign of these "fembots". Alien robots shouldn't have these hourglass shapes or angular chests to basically be implied boobs. If this makes people unfollow me then so be it but, I am all for Nightshade and am rooting for them to cause some sort of change in the Transformers franchise as a whole in the future. I may not have watched Earthspark and I hope that someday I can. I hope they release all the episodes on DVD or something. But, I know that regardless of that, I will definitely buy Nightshade's deluxe class figure because I am rooting for them. Keep it up, Nightshade.

[kosher-martian]

Napoleon & Josephine

Spoiler warning for Napoleon.

So this weekend I had an opportunity to see Ridley Scott's Napoleon. It was weird.

The movie has some problems. I'm not going to mention the historical accuracy of the film (it takes the same liberties all other historical dramas do) nor am I going to talk about the dialogue / delivery (though I will gladly let "You think you're so great because you have boats!" live rent-free in my head for the rest of forever). I think the movie had too much material it wanted to cover in one film, but tried to cover it anyway (the exact opposite of the YA movie "Divided for Adaptation" trope that swept Hollywood ages ago). Before some (likely extensive) edits the final film was probably close to 3.5 hours long, so they cut an hour's worth of scenes from the final product resulting in the choppy mess with massive pacing issues that have divided audiences and critics alike.

Scenes play at breakneck pace one after the other, each in a different location, with different characters, and occurring at different points in history, but there was either no attempt at linking the scenes together or the majority of those bridging scenes hit the cutting room floor. As a consequence, the movie just comes across as a feature-length recap of the previous season of some prestige historical drama show. If this were a pre-existing show the scenes make sense. You vaguely remember last season and you are only watching to jog your memory before jumping into the next season. But if you are going into this without familiarity of the subject matter (or only mild interest) and expect the film to tell you a narrative about the life of Napoleon Bonaparte, it's just a cluster of confusion. I had a similar experience with the Saoirse Ronan / Margot Robbie Mary Queen of Scots film. It had almost the exact same "not a film, just a series of scenes" issues. Unlike with Napoleon, I was less familiar with the historical events surrounding Mary I of Scotland and Elizabeth I of England. I ended up disliking the film and only ever watched it the one time.

So now I want to pivot to the reason I'm making this post at all. I want to posit a ludicrous and patently untrue conspiracy theory: They made two movies and then spliced them together!

To be clear, I don't actually believe this happened, this "conspiracy theory" will be more my wishful thinking than anything else.

Contrary to all evidence, I want to believe that Hollywood had planned Barbenheimer from the very beginning. Warner Bros, Universal Pictures, and other major studios saw the collapse of "cinematic universe" films on the horizon and wanted to create a new fad that would be both cheaper to produce and more easily controlled: Pick two films with markedly different audiences, market them as being in competition with each other, and use polarizing social media pushes to drive people into two constituency groups. With this model, studios could take two films that would otherwise have middling performance and turn them into blockbuster hits of then summer with marketing alone. People would go running back into the theaters to ensure their constituency's film "won" the battle. Hollywood solicited ideas for film pairings from a variety of sources. Ridley Scott got wind of this secret operation and decided he would condense the idea into an even easier exercise: Make the same movie twice for two different audiences.

Scott would direct two films with the exact same cast. One film (the "boy" film) would be an epic film covering the military triumphs of Napoleon Bonaparte, his tragic fall from power, his unlikely return, and his final defeat. This film, titled Napoleon, would feature fantastic set-piece battle scenes, tons of meme-able lines ("You think you're so great because you have boats!"), and gorgeous special effects. The "girl" film, Josephine, would depict the contentious and all-too-captivating private life of Napoleon and Josephine. It would be a more cerebral and emotional work, showing the complexities of their relationship. It would place the competing demands of Napoleon's ambition and longing for true love at center stage. Josephine might have made Empress Josephine our focal character or it may have continued to use Napoleon as entry way into the rich interior lives of the Emperor and Empress of France, but in either case the film's overall story would have been those moments when they were alone with one another or totally alone. Napoleon's story is the story that shaped the modern world, so it was more than enough to support both films. Audiences could choose which movie to support or might have found the format of "two films, one story" just too enticing to pass up seeing both.

But then something - and I'm not sure exactly what - happened. Instead of creating both films and releasing them separately, the decision was made to condense the two films down to one. Both films had nearly finished production. Two interpretations of Napoleon, one the legend and one the man, now needed to be brought together. Left with tonally dissonant films, the choice was made to just try to make the editing "choppier" and more "modern" (code for "we know flashy cuts and transitions won't save this colossal mistake, but we've got sunk cost fallacy now"). Scenes were lifted wholesale from both films and spliced together seemingly without regard for the final product. It's possible the final dirty work was handed to a trailer house, as evidenced by the trailers release earlier this year that paired action sequences from the film with modern music that not only didn't fit the film's aesthetics, but also didn't fit the scenes used.

Did this happen? No. As stated previously, Napoleon's story is too big to be contained in one film. The only film to pull it off was the 1927 silent film, which runs anywhere from 4 to 9.5 hours long depending on the cut. That's why other films focus on extensive portrayals of discrete battles (Waterloo), specific parts of his life (Eagle in a Cage) or his romantic life (Desiree, though it does show other aspects of Napoleon's life). Some artists have tried to do a broad retelling of his life, but those are always multi-part miniseries.

But go watch the movie yourself and tell me there's not a Josephine movie lurking on a hard drive somewhere in Hollywood. I know it doesn't exist, but also there's no way it doesn't exist, right? Too many scenes fit perfectly into another movie for it not to exist. Napoleon is not a cohesive film, it's a compilation of scenes from two separate movies featuring the same actors.

[voxasks]

🫐 -Hey there, why not get in on this, haha. Let's go, show me what ya got TV man- Jokes aside, I am a young woman in her 20s going to university for a psychology degree. I am very ambitous & goal oriented, even if it is sometimes very intense. To the point of hyperfixation bordering on obsession. I was going for journalism originally, but I changed majors because I didn't like how much I would have to lick the butts & shoes of yellow journalists who aren't worth my respect or time. I wanted to be part of the information side of things & keep people informed on the happenings around them. But all they do from my perspective is waste hours churning out fiction for views. If I wanted to do that, I would have pursued acting as a career, which is a hobby of mine. I like community theater a lot. It is a fun escape from everything. Something just so satisfying about putting on a show, where the moment I step out on that stage & feel those lights & eyes on me, I am no longer concerned with my problems. The mask is on & won't be off until later~! Music is my other passion. I love writing my own music and lyrics. I play the violin, piano, & guitar. I am taking singing lessons for fun too. My few friends describe me as the one they look to for honest opinions, even if it might not be something they want to hear. I am also weirdly regarded as a ball of energy. I am not a recluse, I just have intense trust issues. It is probably due to the pathetic jokes of relationships I have had, among other potential trauma inducing experiences. I love going out, just only with people I would trust my life with or myself. I am still quite introverted, but I do like the atmosphere of people having a great time & me having a good time, even if it is dancing on my own. If I feel like it, I will just make the decision to disappear for a weekend & hop back around come Monday like I didn't just drop off the planet to who knows where & do who knows what. I am used to the not so great side of life. Walking to school, seeing a dead body on the side of the road, later on seeing those infamous white lines, hahaha. What a day that was, or the time I had to hit the deck from a drive-by. You get used to that rough life than wham in a place that is weirdly sanitized and "safe." It feels like whiplash. I cope with my experiences with humor. Rather laugh than cry, you know. Psych became my interest after taking a random elective in it, & I was hooked on being able to make connections about the world & people around me. Giving me a sense of understanding some of the why's I have asked for years. I'm still learning more, too. I have some ideas that are not exactly conventional & push a few boundaries with other fields of science & ethics. Regardless, I hope to use the knowledge I am gaining to help others help themselves. I think that is a key component in life, to be able to help yourself, even if it means getting/seeking help in order to get to a place where you can do that for yourself. If that makes any sense. With all this said, enjoy your hellish morning, abysmal afternoon, explicit evening, or sinful night. Whichever it may be for you, I like to cover the bases~!

“it  feels  like  you  took  psychology  to  make  sense  of  the  things  that  has  happened  in  your  life  subconsciously.  at  least,  that’s  what  people  do  from  experience  anyway.  it  sort  of  feels  like  you  have  adhd  as  well  due  to  your  spontaneity,  being  described  as  a  ‘ball  of  energy’  and  having  many  interests,  but  hey,  i’m  far  from  being  some  lab  coat  shrink  who’s  qualified  enough  to  sit  behind  a  desk  to  rot  with  everyone  else’s  trauma.  you  want  to  stay  true  to  yourself  no  matter  what,  thus  opting  out  of  journalism  to  avoid  kissing  other  people’s  asses,  i  can  respect  that.  you  sound  ambiverted,  someone  who  struggles  to  find  the  comfortable  balance  sometimes  but  everyone  does  too.  and  hey,  a  dead  body.  must  be  a  big  deal  back  in  the  living  world,  huh?  how’ve  you  been?”

based off of the 200 follower event.

[fleurcareil]

Leaving Canada

After finishing the road trip, the last 2 weeks of September were a whirlwind of activities to sort out things and say goodbye one more time before leaving the country. Although I may have benefited from staying a bit longer, having been on the road for so long made me ready to close off this phase and look forward to the next one, going back home to Europe! 🤩

First priority was to clean everything that I had been traveling with (with thanks to lots of space and a garden hose😁) and then figure out what to put into storage and what to bring as luggage. Initially my intent had been to travel straight from France to Chile, however due to exorbitant one-way air fares, I ended up booking a return ticket back to TO for mid-January.... not sure how this is all going to work out but for now it means that I'm only travelling with one suitcase instead of the 3 that I had already pre-packed. Easier to carry but harder to fit my clothes! 😅

Second key item was to get my car sold, so I got the car deep cleaned over lunch with Tara... something I've never done but should really have given myself as a gift much earlier! 😄 I thought the guy had done a great job at making my car look brand-new again, but he actually apologized to me as he hadn't managed to remove all bug residue from the grill nor the grit of the endless unpaved roads from the tires...the downfall of such an extensive road trip!

That afternoon, 3 accidents on the QEW highway meant that traffic was jammed for miles around, so I tried to wait it out by visiting the first 2 car dealers to get a sense of their offer... suddenly everything seemed wrong with my fab drive, as it needed new tires, new brakes, a chip in the window etc etc... 😯😪 I recognize the sales tactics for what they were but they still pulled me down, so by the time I got back home after taking 1.5 hours over a 20min drive, I was shaken & thoroughly fed up!

Next day, I toured a few more dealers who all basically said the same and then just cut my losses to get it over with (I must be the worst negotiator on earth! 🤣) ... I absolutely have had an amazing time driving my Rogue and I still loved everything about it, but it was time to say goodbye and move on.

Being a bit emotional after signing the papers, I drove by my old house in Burlington (where the new tenants are neglecting the pretty roses I had planted 😣) and then sat on my favourite bench in Paletta Park overlooking Lake Ontario. A mere 10 minutes' walk from where I used to live, I would often come here over my lunch break or after work, a great spot to relax! 😊

Next day, after having handed in the car & safely deposited the cheque at the bank, I was happy to go over to Priyanka & Arnie for a traditional Hungarian dish and meet again with their lovely parents. I first met Priyanka's parents at our MBA graduation over 10 years ago and we've been in touch ever since, having shared many dinners (including with my parents and in Delhi 🤗), theater plays, a powwow and ofcourse the wedding in India! 😍😍

On Friday, I spent hoouuuurs on the internet and phone to arrange anything from bank accounts & medical insurance to booking flights for my travels in Europe. Felt good to clean house and try to close as many things as possible before leaving. In the evening, we had delicious pizza & craft beer in the "Shed" in downtown Dundas.

That Saturday, it was fun times at the Ancaster Fall Fair with Arpita, Navneet and his cousin Nithia. 🤩 I had never been to a farm fair, which had everything from a hot sauce contest, cow & chicken displays to nitro-chilled snacks and prizes for the prettiest tomatoes, hay bales and funny-looking veggies! 😂 Quite an experience and a great afternoon!

On Sunday, I went with Heather for a hike in nearby Dundas Valley conservation area, my favourite forest west of the GTA. I've been here so often that I know most trails by heart but this time we walked in from a residential area on the side so that the forest still felt new. 😀

I spent the second week in Toronto where I lived for 11 years - my personal record of living that long in one city! 😊 - and it felt really good to roam the streets (albeit only for a short period of time before the craziness got to me 😫). For four days I crammed in as many friends as I could see, starting with a great backyard dinner with my old team. Having 9 different cultural backgrounds being represented leads to ever-interesting diverse conversations! 😍

On Tuesday, I had cozy lunch and dinner with my two good friends Kathryn and Lynne, both a bit senior to me hence always providing me with valuable insights that help me put things in a different perspective. 🥰 They're both great examples of how we can continue to have fulfilling lives for many years to come! 😘

Then on Wednesday, a lunch walk with Dana through my old 'hood and the Riverdale Farm, followed by relaxing tea with Natasha, Lance and their mother who I've also known since coming to Toronto and by whom I spent a memorable Christmas in Trinidad & Tobago. 🤩 In the evening, the drinks were tasty as usual when meeting with a loosely connected 😅 but somehow gelling group of Real Estate friends... always a good time!

On my last day in Toronto, I caught up with Harvey over Indian Roti and then had a few lovely hours at the new Love Park at the harbourfront. My final date was with my camping-sailing-drinking group of friends 😎 at the Queen Mother Café, a downtown thai restaurant where I used to go often in the first years. We're all a bit wiser (?!? 😂) then when we first met years ago but the laughs are still there!

Tired & having a terrible cold but feeling blessed with all those friendships, I made my way back to Dundas, where I was grateful to spend the last day with Arpita and Navneet, working a bit in the garden and playing the cool card game Dominion at night.

On the 30th September, they dropped me off to the airport, ready to fly home! 💖💖💖

[sangre]

OOP IM SAUR SORRY tags did not load for me with my prev ask - 47, 51, 59 for satine, the loveliest rose satine 🥺🌹🎭

sixty-nine more questions for your ttrpg characters! / ask.

weuben!!!!!! (picks you up and spins you) TY TY!!!

47. what could they talk about for hours on end?

presentation! the presentation of something, especially wrt creative projects. the way an artist painted something, the way a musician composed something, the way a stage director asked for things to be done, like... because of his theater background both in the last life and in this one, he is really obsessed with the deliberate composition of things. not necessarily the way something looks per se, but just like. the way someone decided to put something together and show someone else, it's like casting your soul into light.

so like, especially with artists, satine can listen to (and talk about) why he chose to do something for a long time. reasoning, justification, meaning, you know? but this applies to things that aren't art-related too... like, talking about gender! he could probably talk about the fun about gender and what it means to him and how he presents, too. theater!!!! the self! presentation. what we present to the world and what it means to show something that we want to be seen (or better yet, recognized).

51. what element of their backstory are you proudest of?

AHH maybe the doppelganger element... it's been a couple years now that i've wanted to play the second version of someone, whether someone who died or someone who was artificially made (to be in the shape of someone). in 2015 i wrote smth with a friend that was like "guy comes back from the dead and feels like something other than himself, wants so badly to be seen as himself still, knows and is continuously traumatized by the fact that he both is and isn't"

and that's a narrative i've been exploring in characters for a while now, from a ton of different angles. but i don't think i've had a character who actively is the second-following incarnation of someone yet, so i'm excited to have finally followed through on the desire to play someone like that! especially since satine doesn't really have a complex of "please see me as the self i was" and is rather earnestly like, "i am in some ways that person, truly, but please see me as someone with my own life to live" and stuff.

it's a lot of like, navigating the urge to let go of people pleasing in/of making sure she doesn't drive herself crazy trying to perfectly be what everybody wants from her - letting go of trying to be a self that people knew, too, so it's an arc i really love and find personal for many reasons and i'm proud of its execution so far!!! so happy to be playing it in out a longform campaign.

59. what’s an element of their philosophy that you disagree with?

ohhh! well let's see. satine is .. really forgiving. and i don't think i would agree with some of the things she can forgive with enough context. this is super thought-provoking because satine has a gentler perspective of the world than i do, he's more like... lenient about rolling with the punches. i'm more indignant

i guess the obvious answer is "satine can forgive pretty lightly depending on the person, he could even forgive murder if it was explained well enough emotionally" and you look at me and the characters i like and we both laugh but you know, in real life, in practice. G:LSJDKGLSDKSDG:L maybe it's just that satine doesn't hold grudges when people hurt him but i do.

satine also probably doesn't see the point of revenge for any reason and holds no pettiness. there is like negative twelve pettiness in satine's body, he doesn't see the sense in revenge at all. i, revenge arc enjoyer, do. i definitely think it's fun to have a really forgiving character who is learning what is more forgivable, and forming stronger opinions about what to forgive and what not to the longer he lives in the real world. mind you, satine has only been conscious in this life for 3ish years. ;LGJKSHLDGL;F Oh she's got planny of time.

[p1nksphynx]

The Unlove Story of a Misfit and a Monster Chpt. 1

The clouds swirled around me in the sky, lazily. The distant sound of a PE class was distorting and vibrating in my ears.  Grass was itchy, my brain alerted me, the faint burning of it brushing against my exposed skin told me I would be red and unhappy later.  A breathy laugh tumbled out of my chest as a cloud above me changed into another funny shape.  My brain seemed to be floating in my own head, bobbing and dipping beneath the surface of whatever chemical cocktail I had chosen this time.  Not that I really paid much attention anymore. 

I was more concerned with the effect at this point.  Something to slow down my mind and give me a sense of euphoria.  If you can't make your own serotonin, I thought, store bought was fine.  Though, my musing was cut short when a shadow overtook the slow moving entertainment above me.  "Gonzalez, we can't keep doing this." Ms. Hayes was rather resigned, based on her voice, which drew out a dazed giggle from me as I offered a smile that was too large. 

"I'll be in detention, don't you worry." My voice was tight from restraint, laughter held tightly in my chest threading to burst.

Laugh lines and crow's feet, she smiled a lot and meant it, how nice.  She must be a naturally happy person.  Though, she certainly wasn't smiling now. "That's what I'm worried about.  Look, I got a favor to ask you later.  Maybe we can strike a deal." She sighed and left, the bell followed. 

There was an internal debate about even bothering with my next class, but then I remembered it was lunch.  Which was as good a reason as any to get up. 

The world began to feel real again a few hours later, when I walked into detention.  My body ached and the branding of grass left on my skin was driving me slightly crazy.  The flickering LED tiles above me hummed far too loudly, and I found myself fighting off a twitch.  Ms. Hayes was flipping through a manila folder, her face staying securely on her head and not sliding or warping like it did when I was typically under the influence. 

Her eyes met mine and a shadow crossed them for a second, but I was too sluggish to remember what I saw.  "No detention today.  I need a favor from you, and I'll count it as you doing your time." Her mouth was set into a hard line.  On the one hand, hell yes no detention, on the other hand, no air-conditioned place to recover from my trip.

"And the favor?" My voice didn't even sound like my voice at this point, gross.  Her hand held out the folder she was just looking at. 

"Just drop this off at the address on the folder.  Ryan Ishida hasn't been to class in a while, and he should at least have the material if he decides to show up." Her voice carried the same resigned sound as when she found me in the field today. 

She definitely did too much as a homeroom teacher, like hunting me down and sending me to drop this crap off for a no show.  I at least made it to campus before I fucked off.  Though internally I was jealous.  My mom made me go through the theater of getting to school.  I would have preferred just staying home like this Ishida kid. 

"Fine." I muttered as I turned to stalk off.  My next mood swing was dangling over the conversation like a blade. 

"Maya!" My name was said as a warning from her. 

My face warmed, she didn't sound mad.  I was definitely ignoring the fact she was cutting me way too much slack.  I looked over my shoulder. "Thanks... Ms. Hayes." I got a smile back for my troubles, but I stalked off anyway.  The familiar buildings of the campus loomed overhead as I left, passing through the gates felt as though I were entering the real world once again.

Uniforms, just like mine, swam about.  Faces shadowed in my vision, my skin crawled as my mind imagined a sea of eyes locked on me.  Fuck, I needed out of here fast.  How long could it even take to find this place?

The sun was starting to dip, casting the sky in a pinkish-orange hue.  The sound of my, unnecessarily expensive, uniform loafers sounded grating to the ear.  "ARGH FUCK!" My head dipped back as I pressed the heels of my palms into my eyes.  "Why the hell do these buildings all look the same?  I've been out here forever!” 

The manila folder crinkled slightly in my tight grip as I pulled it from my book bag roughly.  The numbers stared back at me mockingly, they didn't match any of the surrounding ones.  Fuck, I was nowhere near Ryan's house.  Why the hell did Ms. Hayes send me, of all people, after the no-show? 

Eventually I gave up, and began wandering aimlessly.  Ms. Hayes would just have to find some other lackey to do her dirty work.  Why would I give a shit if some ghost does his homework or not?  "Are you from school?" A man's voice, it froze me in place as I slowly turned my head. 

He was a young man, probably in his mid-twenties, a cigarette hanging loosely from his lips as he stood in front of a house.  He had a broom clutched lightly in one hand, an apron hanging off him, being taken by the breeze caught my attention, as did the bandana tied on his head.  This man looked like a housewife.  My face felt too warm, and I gripped the folder in my hand tighter.  "Yeah..." I sounded more tense than I intended.  I felt caught somehow. 

The man cocked his head to the side, ever so slightly, as he seemed to study me.  My shoulders drew up to my ears, a tightness drawing up my body like a bow string.  "Ryan's inside, but I doubt he'd want to see you.  Just wait a second." He said as he turned to enter the home.  I crossed the gate into the walkway, and my memory filled in the blanks. 

By some luck, or lack thereof, I had landed right in front of the Ishida home. 

That however was my last concern as the front door slammed open, and I suddenly felt myself being hoisted up by the collar of my uniform.  I was by no means easy to lift.

My feet could no longer feel the reassuring stability of concrete and I felt my voice be left on the ground as though it fell from my pocket.  My hand closed over his, my hair falling about my face.  What was this?  Who was this?

"I'm not fucking going!  If I see you around here again, I'll kick your-" Ryan's face went from enraged to shocked as I looked down at him.  He didn't seem to be expecting me to be on the other end of his grip.  Whatever words I might have said had been lost forever once he hoisted me into the air. 

Again, before I had a chance to react, I came crashing into the concrete walkway.  Pain bloomed in my tailbone, and I was looking up into the eyes I had just a second ago looked down into.  "Jeez, what's your problem?" I gasped out, my hand pressing into my skirt to apply pressure to my butt.  A poor attempt at soothing myself.

Ryan's face went red, his hands twitching as he held them up.  Pink lips sputtered and spit, trying to get some words out.  Ryan's eyes were dark, almost black, widened with what looked like fear, briefly.  "I'm not going back, so you can fuck off!" He shouted, his voice raised an octave as he turned and pushed past the first man into the house.  I looked up at the male wife from my spot on the floor, confusion pouring off my body.

After seeing Ryan, the similarities between the two were more apparent.  Same dark eyes, similar angular features. The unnamed man offered me a hand and a weak smile.  "Sorry about Ryan, I didn't think he'd run down here.  I'm Lee, his older brother.  Do you want to come inside?  That looked like it hurt." He seemed apologetic and embarrassed enough that I couldn't do much but nod and let him help me up.

I didn't even bother looking around.  My ass was still sore from being dropped, but at least their couch was better than concrete.  The earthen cup in my hand was warm, and the smell of tea was soothing, even if I hadn't taken a sip yet.  Fresh, and light.  "Thanks…for the tea." I pushed the words out of my mouth, and immediately regretted it.  I sounded meek as hell.  It was just so hard when people were nice.  It felt like I had to be nice back.

Lee hadn't looked up from the folder yet, which looked trashed now.  How embarrassing, Ms. Hayes asked me to do something so simple, and I did it as sloppy as possible.  Crap, why did I even care?  I only did it to get out of detention.

"You're welcome.  So you came here in place of Lydia?"  His eyes met mine again as he spoke, and I felt the need to look elsewhere.

"So that's her name?  Yeah, she asked me for a favor.  Don't know why she couldn't do it herself." My words were almost squashed by the way I pursed my lips as I spoke.  My hands tightened around the cup in my grip.  Lee chuckled, and I pressed the rim to my lips and gulped down the hot tea without thinking, only wanting to wash down the feeling of being put on the spot.  However, I was scalded.  I pulled away from the cup, my poor, burned mouth falling open to bring in cool air.

It was only a second before I attempted to look normal once more.  "Because last time she was here, she asked Ryan to come back to school.  You can probably guess how that went, based on your experience with him." Lee didn't stop smiling, even as he spoke those words.  There were no creases around his eyes, meaning it was a mask of politeness.

"Yeah, I could see why she might be reluctant to return."

Lee didn't really respond.  I decided that was enough for me. The cup made a soft knock on the coffee table, I stood to my full height and let my hands slide over my uniform.  I felt uncharacteristically self-conscious of my appearance.  "Well, thanks for the tea.  I'll be heading out now." Why did I even bother with the goodbye?  Lee had a look on his face, like he was going to say something to me.  The anticipation was enough to drive me out of the house faster.

My loafers tapped on the concrete as I walked off with purpose.  I'd rather do detention a thousand times over than ever go through something like that again.  Ryan could just come to school and get his homework.  Being babied by Ms. Hayes and his male-wife-brother weren't doing the kid any favors.

There wasn't much concern at the time for exactly where I was heading, I just knew I had to get away from anything Ishida before I tore my skin off.  

"Sorry about earlier, I thought you were…someone else." Said a voice, right next to my ear.  My body was suddenly two feet away from where I last remembered, a shrill screech tore its way from my chest as I had apparently leapt away from Ryan.  He looked at me like he couldn't fathom why I was scared.

The memory of being hoisted into the air, and then looking up into his fearful red face flashed over my eyes.  "When the hell did you get there?" I was still shrill, my heart beating so fast.  I had been sober for way too long at this point, that much was obvious.

"Not long.  My brother said I should walk you home…" He answered so casually, his hands linked together behind his head.  His hair was dark, and shaggy.  It fell into his eyes and he didn't bother to sweep it out.  Nothing he said made sense, but he spoke with a confidence that made it seem like it was supposed to.  Maybe to him, it did.

"No need." My pace increased as I walked ahead.  I needed to get home, get that floaty feeling and leave my body behind.

"So, you dropped off my schoolwork.  Kinda like how friends do in the shows, huh?"  Ryan was matching my pace with no sweat.  I debated bursting into a full sprint.

"Yeah, whatever."  I muttered as I tried walking as fast I could manage without jogging off.  No doubt he'd just follow me, but maybe he'd get the hint first.

"Oh, so…we're like friends, yeah?" He sounded too cheerful.  My feet refused to move as I was caught off guard by his shy smile.  This was the same guy who lifted me with one arm, right?

"No." I didn't have time for this.

Ryan's smile faltered for a moment, his eyebrows furrowing as if he were genuinely perplexed by my response. But then, as if a switch flipped, his expression changed back to that easy going demeanor. "Ah, got it. Just checking," he said, as if my outright rejection was nothing more than a passing comment.

I didn't bother to respond, quickening my pace once more, hoping to put some distance between us. However, it seemed Ryan was determined to keep up, his footsteps falling in line with mine with an annoying consistency.

"So, what's your name?" he asked, as if we were engaging in some friendly banter rather than me desperately trying to escape his presence.

I sighed inwardly, feeling a headache starting to throb behind my temples. "Maya," I muttered, not bothering to look at him.

"Maya, huh? Cool name," he remarked, sounding genuinely interested.

I gritted my teeth, frustration bubbling up inside me. Why wouldn't he just leave me alone? "Look, Ryan, I know what your brother said, but I don't need an escort.  I can make my way home, just fine. Alone."

To my surprise, Ryan stopped walking, his expression turning serious. "Hey, wait a minute. I thought maybe we could be friends or something.  It's not every day someone tries to help me out, you know?"

I paused, turning to face him with a skeptical gaze. "Help you out? I dropped off your homework because Ms. Hayes practically begged me to. It's not like I did it out of the goodness of my heart," I replied, my tone sharp.

Ryan scratched the back of his head, a sheepish grin spreading across his face. "Yeah, I guess you're right. But still, I appreciate it."

"Sure, I'm a fucking saint." The words were spat under my breath.

"Great! So, uh, can I walk you home then?" Ryan asked, his hopeful expression was painfully earnest.

I hesitated, he had followed me this far already.  He didn't seem all that dangerous now, despite our earlier encounter.  A sigh of defeat rolled from my lips. "Sure, why not," I finally relented, knowing that I wouldn't have to deal with him again after this.

Ryan's face lit up with excitement, and we fell into step together, the awkward tension from earlier settling over us. As we walked, he said nothing, as though not expecting to have gotten this far.

Occasionally we passed others, his behavior changing from dopey freak, to overbearing guard dog as he glared at passing strangers.  He had slowly gotten closer to me, so much so that there were maybe a few inches between us as we walked.  Ryan's chin hovered over my head as he scanned around us.  I knew I wasn't tall, but this guy easily towered over me.

"Hey, chill out.  You're scaring people." I ordered firmly, grabbing the back of his hood to pull him away from the passerby he was glaring daggers at.  Ryan seemed to freeze before turning back to me and flashing a toothy grin.

"What are you talking about?  I'm just looking out for my friend!" His canines were more pronounced than a person's normally were.  He gave off the vibe of an untrained dog, barking and growling at the mailman but wagging his tail at his master.

"Just quit glaring at everyone, you're slowing us down." The stretch of my shoulders was not very comfortable as they slumped forward.  “And we're not fucking friends.” My protest sounded weak to my own ears.  He smiled, he could be so bright one moment and then have his face darkening the next.  This guy was a mystery, no wait, he was a headache.

It seemed this walk would stretch out forever, but at least Ryan had calmed down some.

The evening began to slip into night as the sunset turned the sky lavender, and the streetlights came on.  We finally came to my apartment building, and I could see the light was on in my unit.  My mother was home, great.  My head was tilted up, and a shiver rolled through me, probably from the night air.  "You're cold." Ryan murmured as he placed his hoodie over my shoulders.  I jumped, staring back at him as his eyebrows met on his forehead.

"No!" I yelped, before wincing at the sound of my own voice.  My hands gripped at his hoodie before shoving it back into his hands. "I mean… I'm fine," I didn't even bother with eye contact.  He needed to be gone.  "Besides, I'm already home, so you can head back."

Ryan tried a friendly goodbye, but I had already walked off.  All I wanted was for this day to be over.  Things would be normal again tomorrow, and I was definitely never doing anything for Ms. Hayes again, that snake.  She knew Ryan was a crazy weirdo, and she still sent me.

"Babosa, gorda, you're late!" My mother called from the kitchen, as I walked into the apartment.  The air was thick with chili peppers, mom's salsa was as dangerous as it was delicious, and I began coughing immediately.  “I had to pick up the twins and Jessica from Doña Jaquis today, I told you this morning they needed to be picked up when you get home!”

My mother poked her head out from the kitchen and shot me a sharp glare, my own coffee dark eyes starting into hers.  A matching set.  I was, in fact, later than usual, but only because I was sent on that dumb fucking errand for my teacher.  There would be an interrogation from my mother for sure, but I would cross that bridge when I got there.

"Ack!  You trying to kill me, Ma?" I wheezed as I tried to shuffle to my room.  My mom shouted a few more things to me, but I hardly caught them as I closed the door behind me.

My body landed on my bed with a harsh thud, pressing all the air out of my lungs.  The rattling of my things followed as my hand blindly pulled open the drawer on my nightstand, searching for sweet relief.  There was a tremor, barely there, in my fingers as they closed around the cool surface of my vape.  My thumb clicked that sweet little button twice, and I lifted my head as I felt it warm in my hand.

My lips closed around the tip, molding around the tapered ceramic opening like it was a lifeline.  Sweet, earthy vapor filled my mouth and lungs, I felt that tight coil of tension in my body unravel slightly.  I had been without for too long.  The world spun as I rolled onto my back, hooded eyes watching the vapor climb into the air and disappear

"Fuck I needed that." I sighed into the empty room, taking in the lighter-than-air sensation that flooded me not long after.  There was chaos outside my door, the sound of my siblings running and yelling throughout the apartment.  Typical for us.  I just needed a few minutes to get right, be me again.

"Mimis, ama said you need to set the table!" My sister, Jessica, shouted as she ran into my room, uninvited.  A pillow I had launched smacked her dead on the face as I sat up in bed.  Her dark braids looked like Medusa snakes, and it was obvious she had been wrestling with the boys again.  The pillow fell to the ground, revealing her smudged and angry face.  For being only nine, she was practically a bar brawler.

"Kika, I told you not to just walk in!" My growl was hardly threatening, my buzz had settled in, and I really didn't have it in me to be mad.  Kika threw the pillow back at me, her flat little nose wrinkled in anger.  Her rounded cheeks bunched up, and she drew in her shoulders.  I hopped off my bed and shoved her out of the room before she could attack me.

Her little fists pounded in my door for a little while before I heard her stomp off.  I took a quick moment to get changed out of my uniform and head to the kitchen to do what I was tasked.  The boys, Josesito and Nacho, wove around me as they chased each other, and I of course expressed my disapproval of their games.  Not that they cared or listened.

My mom said nothing to me as I entered the kitchen, opting for the silent treatment for my lateness at the moment.  The lines on her face only appeared when she was mad.  Her skin was hardly wrinkled, pulled taut by the same weight that I also carried on my body.  Though I was a shade darker than her light olive tone, we did look a lot alike.  Too much, in my opinion.

Her eyes landed on as I retrieved the dishes, her hands busied with cooking.  I could tell, by the way they lingered on my curly hair, she was thinking of telling me to brush it.  No doubt there was still grass in it from earlier today.  I could admit, this time, it was a mess.  Normally, however, she just demanded I brush it because she didn't seem to understand my hair type, since hers was straight as a pin.

Kika and I were in a constant battle with our curly tresses, which made me remind myself to fix her braids later.

"Food time!" I shouted as I made sure there were enough plates.  The small army of my siblings rushed in, Kika, the twins, and the oldest, Armando, though we just called him Tantan.  Everyone took their seat, the younger ones chattered amongst themselves, while both Tantan and I communicated with each other silently.

The look on his face told me he probably wanted to take a walk, code for us going to buy more recreational fun.  Mom hadn't said a word to me all through dinner.  Bite after bite, the food just disappeared in me.  My appetite didn't seem to be satiated, and every flavor was intense.  The distance between the fork and my mouth seemed to stretch and shrink.

"Dinner's been great, ama.  But I'm stuffed, me and Mimis should go walk it off." My head darted up from my meal, surprised that the dinner was ending already.  Time seemed to slip by, unnoticed.

"Mimis is staying here.  I have to talk to her." My mother's voice was calm…a bad omen.  Her eyes were locked on to me as she spoke to my brother, and a chill ran down my spine.

"Come on, ama.  It's just a walk, besides, you said Mimis was putting on weight.  Esta gorda, let her walk." Tantan shot me a smirk, and I was still struggling to catch up.

The younger siblings, the thirteen-year-old twins vs the nine-year-old brawler, broke out into a fight over some nonsense that had my mother looking tired.  She said nothing more to us, just giving a frustrated and dismissive wave.  Tantan needed nothing more as he dragged me from the apartment into the cold night air.

"You didn't have to call me fat." I grumbled as I leaned into his shoulder as we walked, my footsteps feeling like I were moving in twos like some stop-motion puppet.  Tantan gave a half-hearted shove, trying to keep me from putting my weight on him, but it was easy to see he didn't mean it.

"Don't be fat then, Mimis." He grunted, giving another and less effective shove.  My head wobbled as we walked, eyes feeling as though they were spinning.  The air was chilled, and I hadn't realized until I gave a shiver.  "Don't be dumb, either."

My world went dark temporarily, my brother shoved his sweater over my head, I hadn't realized what was going on just yet and fought against him.  "Dude, what the hell?" I yelped, my arms flailing and eliciting a curse from Tantan when they struck anything solid.

"Pendeja!" Tantan's face was twisted in irritation while my head popped through the neck hole.  My thick hair was tangled from my struggle, and I tried to rake my fingers through the mess as I shrugged into the sweater completely.  A firm smack landed to the back of my head, courtesy of Tantan, and we started moving again.

The neighborhood grew darker and deeper, as we wandered from the streetlights.  Streetlights became farther apart, the kind of place that had people on edge if they were from around the area.  Soon, tents made their presence known on the sidewalk, and I kept my eyes forward.  Tantan walked closer to me, his eyes scanning the dark streets, and yet he still remained relaxed.  “Almost there right?” I sighed, playing with the too-long sleeves of his sweater, pulling up where the elastic on the bottom became tight on my hips. “We’re literally right here, Mimis, impatient as fuck.” Tantan grabbed a hold of my arm and dragged me to the apartment complex, a chorus of dogs began barking from inside their respective homes, sensing that visitors were near.  When we finally got to the door, the faded numbers printed on it became the perfect target for my brother to beat his fist against, trying to get the attention of the person we came to see.  “Pulga, open up.”

The door slid open, with Pulga on the other end, more my brother’s friend than mine, but the man who usually provided us with what we needed.  “Bout time, you said you’d be here by eight.” Pulga grunted, causing Tantan to smile at him with that fake ass charm no one else seemed to see through but me.

“My bad man, Mimis,” Tantan’s eyes shot to me as he threw me under the bus, easily, “got us held up.”  I opened my mouth to defend myself before deciding it wasn’t worth it.  I didn’t give a fuck about what Pulga though about me anyway.

“Me vale madre, just come in.” Pulga opened the door completely, and we shuffled in, Tantan with confidence and me with reluctance.  We tossed ourselves on the couch, the plastic squeaking beneath the throw blankets tossed on top.  The smell of cologne and cleaning products caused my eyes to water slightly as Pulga walked into his kitchen, only to return with two sodas in one hand and a box tucked under his arm.  He pulled a chair to sit near Tantan and that's when the difference between them became most obvious.  Where my brother was broad, with a rounded face and features similar to my own, Pulga was slim with a straight nose that reminded me of the portraits of generic Native American braves that decorated the apartment, courtesy of Pulga’s grandmother.  The slick black braid that ran over Pulga’s shoulder contrasted with the curly hair that bounced just below Tantan’s chin, no one could ever mistake them for family. “Just an eighth, not trying to stock up.” Tantan muttered as the earthy smell of weed filled the room as Pulga opened a jar he got from the box.  A small scale followed, and I eyed the process from the corner of my eye.  I preferred it when Pulga had carts for my vape, easier to bring with me around town, but Tantan was old school. The glass bottle in my hands had gone slightly warm as I held on to it.  Absently, Tantan grabbed it from me and proceeded to open it with the ring on his index finger, how he did that I had no idea.  My hands clasped onto my soda again as my brother shoved it back into my palms, and I muttered a thanks that sounded anything but grateful.  This whole thing felt like it was taking forever, and the burn of the carbonation against my lips didn’t distract me enough. It seemed that thought alone had managed to speed things up, and Tantan handed Pulga a bunch of folded bills in return for the bag of greenery.  I followed behind my brother at a slower pace, watching as he walked out of the door first.

“Mimis, I got more by the way.” Pulga’s voice was hushed, as he pushed a smaller bag into my hands, my thumb pressed against the dried mushrooms housed in the plastic.  “You still owe me for the last one.” his eyes were intense, and I felt my shoulders draw up.  My hand dug into my pockets, handing him a wad of crumpled up bills. “Dude, Tantan’s like right outside.  I would have come later, just-, here.” It wasn’t everything, I hadn’t expected him to confront me right away.  It wasn’t like I was dodging him, it was just that a lot had been going on lately… well, a lot of nothing, really.  Pulga’s stare softened, counting the bills easily. “You’re lucky I don’t tell him what you're doing, just relieved you’re not going to some stranger.” He muttered, I rolled my eyes as I made my way to his apartment door. “No one’s stranger than you, Pulga.” It was all I gave as a goodbye, meeting up with Tantan as he looked at me questioningly but said nothing.  That was rare for him.  He loved opening his big mouth.

We made our way back in easy silence, going our separate ways at the door of the apartment.  I still wasn’t used to watching him walk away.  Ama lets him come back, because it's easier than apologizing, but both are too stubborn for Tantan to ever move back. There was no fear on my part about my mother’s ominous threats of needing to talk to from earlier, her snores practically reverberated throughout the house when we came home, so I was scott free for now.  

My bed was welcoming and warm, I took another few puffs on my vape to help me get some sleep, but that was interrupted with Kika storming in at some point, braids even more undone since the last time I saw her, no doubt the work of another tussle with the twins.  “Jessica, c’mere.” I ordered sitting up as she stomped her way over to me, plopping herself between my thigh roughly.  We said little more as I undid and redid her braids, another oddity, seeing as she was prone to whining about her braids being too tight or me pulling her hair when I definitely wasn’t.  Perhaps it was the fact I called her Jessica, that had her so quiet, it was rare I used her given name, so she must have sensed I wasn't really in the mood to talk or play around much. A pang of guilt twisted in my gut, despite the age difference, Kika and I were close. The only girls in the family had to stick together. "There you go Kika, try not to get in too many fights. Mom's pissed enough with me as it is, don't get her on your case too."

“She was really mad when you and Tantan left.  She says you two are exactly the same.” Her voice was soft, almost sullen.  “What if you get kicked out too?” My muscles tensed, so that’s what she was thinking about?  I wanted to reassure her, but the words couldn’t form.  “Well, then, I’ll just have to take you with me.” My voice was as normal as I could make it.  Kika’s newly done braids whipped around, and I dodged them easily.

“You will?” Her eyes were wide, hopeful even.  My fingers mushed into her face as I pushed it away from me.

“Yeah, and the twins too.  We’ll all get a house together.”

[yourflowersfirst]

day 1,431

okay, i'm gonna speak to you very candidly. i hope that's okay. i think conversation type writing is fun, and i'm in the mood for it. imagine this just two guys, getting dinner, chatting. well. i'm talking at you; you're half listening, half noticing the hot bartender in the corner, not noticing me so much. you steal a few of my fries. whatever. i'll take what i can get.

i've been a little sick all week. good enough to still do my assignments and go for runs and work, you know, manageable. today though, i woke up with a throat so agonizingly painful i could hardly swallow water (let alone those big ass dayquil pills). (but seriously, why are they so huge? it's hell for a sore throat.) something something big thing in my throat, there's a funny joke to be made there if you want. i don't care.

maybe i should stop going for runs when i'm feeling even a little sick. they probably don't help me, and my immune system is already ass as it stands. just to brag a bit though, i ran 6.5 miles earlier this week. i got my hair done the other day, but i've felt too sick to even wash it. do you know how heavenly washing your extensions is? i cum a little just thinking about the concept. but i can't, because i had to be a stupid fuck who got herself sick. washing all of my hair is not only a 2-3 hour long process, but wet hair like that makes illnesses worse for me. yeouch.

i'm sick of things, too. myself, mostly. i'm sick of feeling rotten and not good enough for anyone, anything, any man. my grades are still okay despite me being so bleh i can hardly focus on anything. it'll be a miracle if this post even makes sense. anyway, point is, no amount of male attention could fill the hatred i have for myself in my heart. i'm sick of that. if you know how to fix this carnal need i have to please everyone and give away all i am for someone else, hit me up. tell me what to do.

yesterday after my run (that definitely made my illness worse), i went to get chipotle, as i do. i'm addicted, seriously. as i was walking to the building, a guy driving past me in the parking lot and shouted "BALLS!" at me after rolling his window down. i shit myself laughing. much better than some male attention i've gotten, as you well know if you've read my other posts on this pretentious little blog.

i go back to ohio 8 days from now. if i still feel like garbage even then, i'm rioting, and then donating my organs to science. shit. my lips are chapped because drinking water, as i said, it really fucking hurts. it's 105 ish degrees here every day now, and i can't keep myself hydrated. i don't genuinely pray to god much anymore but i have been all day, reciting mantras to heal my body, mind, and soul.

i'm gonna get my period any day now too. just icing on top of the cake. here's how i know: the other day, before my sickness worsened, i went to hang with vincent (ex roommate) at his new place. i brought fuji so she and lupita could play; i also brought cane's for us to enjoy. jesus. cane's and chipotle in one post, no wonder i'm huge.

so, i went to hang with the fella. he put on dawn of the planet of the apes. i'd never seen any of those movies and there's a new one in theaters right now, so i figured, why the hell not? it'll be a silly time. the movie was shockingly serious. i was invested. (spoilers) when caesar got shot, i yelled, "no!"

"i know, very sad," vincent said while stuffing his face with crinkle cut fries.

i felt my eyes welling with tears. "he was a good leader, how could koba do that?"

"whoa, dude, are you good?"

"he's just... such a good dad... but he was shot! it isn't fair! he just wanted peace with the humans!"

vincent patted my shoulder, confused. "there, there."

i swatted him away, tears falling. i wiped them with a greasy hand. "don't make fun of me! it's so sad. oh god. i need napkins."

my hormones love to go batshit crazy the few days leading up to my period, rattling around my endocrine system like ping pong balls. today i was crying because i just hate being sick so much. go figure. i need to stock up on sanitary napkins (hardy har) and get my heated pad ready.

when i was on birth control, my PMS was manageable. i'd never get upset, never cried over stupid shit like dawn of the planet of the apes. now look at me. 2022 me would be horrified. in the end, though, i prefer this to the nasty side effects of tri-sprintec.

why am i rambling about my hormones and my period? sorry. i'm truly sorry. i just find it amusing in a certain light. i've been listening to "somebody else" by the 1975 a hell of a lot, and it's got me all nostalgic and weepy. really reiterates the fact that i'm a tiny bit unlovable, but hey, fuck that. get money.

i try not to dwell on "situationships" too much, but i can't help it. hot, late summer nights are the perfect time to wallow in your own self pity. i'd smoke a cigarette but i don't wanna make my throat worse. i say that, but cigarettes cause throat cancer. my priorities are truly in order, my friend.

i'm gonna try to go to bed and sleep this shit off. it feels like strep or a sinus infection. don't worry, i'm gonna see a doctor tomorrow, even though i'm cheap and hate paying people to tell me what's wrong with me. ironically enough, this is also why i can't keep a therapist, minus the one i had in high school for my eating disorder. i saw her a bunch last summer, which was cool, except i was seeing her for **** trauma and PTSD so bad i'd have panic attacks every day. good times. i've come a long way in a year. i can't really trust any other therapist except her. why, oh why, must she only do in person sessions in ohio?!

okay, i don't know how to end this one. i'll just share a poem i like, hehehehe. i'm biased toward it, because i'm a redhead, but hopefully you like it too.

"Ash, ash—

You poke and stir.

Flesh, bone, there is nothing there——

A cake of soap,   

A wedding ring,   

A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer   

Beware

Beware.

Out of the ash

I rise with my red hair   

And I eat men like air."

-Lady Lazarus, by Sylvia Plath

[tombeane-blog]

Lost In Schertz, Texas

"Whoa-oh. oh mercy, mercy me Oh. Things ain't what they used to be, no no" Marvin Gaye - "Mercy. Mercy Me"

October 14th, 2023. Schertz, Texas. Directly in the path of the "Ring Of Fire" annular eclipse.

There's a danger in going to a reunion after 62 years.  That person you liked may now be an obnoxious jerk.  If so, a beautiful, comforting memory is destroyed forever. It rips a piece of who you are out of you. Will I like them? Will they like me?

I join a small group of strangers for the Memory Walk Saturday morning at 9 a.m. The first people I meet are my high school best friend Roger, his wife Brenda and his sister Rosie.

We walk and talk the few blocks to the old high school and back.  Rosie brings up the famous chicken-in-the-teacher's-car episode and Roger and I have to raise our hands and confess.  (In our defense, how could teen aged boys know how much poop a panicked chicken could scatter all over the inside of a locked car?)

After the walk, Roger invites me to come to his house for a visit.  There, we chat outside, then inside and we keep talking as we take a walk down to his pond.

I see a small snake about two feet long, motionless in an S shape on the hard ground. We get close and it stays frozen - looking up(at what?).

I reach down and tap it lightly. It slithers away, still looking up.

Back inside, we talk for a while and then Roger and I run up to a local Mexican restaurant for a couple of Tacos.

As we are leaving we see a woman looking up... and that's when we realize that we had talked through the entire 2 plus hours of the eclipse. (Is that what the snake was looking at?)

Even though the ladies were bummed out after hearing the news of the missed eclipse, we still had four lives to review so we chatted away the afternoon.

At 4:30 Rosie and I leave for the Reunion Dinner at the local VFW hall.

Somehow my memory failed me completely and we ended up lost(lost in Schertz, Texas???).

Rosie logs onto that Google map thingy and she directs me to the VFW hall.

Just to the left of the hall is the ancient sign outside the long abandoned Drive-in Theater where teen paradise in Schertz awaited.

There's only a small part of it still standing and it's eroded to the point it's no longer even readable.

We go inside the VFW hall and get our name tags and head into a large, crowded room filled with strangers we once knew.  

I was hoping they wouldn't see me as that slightly paunchy, incompletely bald and totally 80 years old guy standing in front of them.  I didn't get even one - "Tom, you dog.  You haven't changed a bit".  Understandable, but.....Damnit to Heck!

"I had to rearrange their faces

And give them all another name"

Bob Dylan - "Desolaton Row"

We blend into the crowd.  I grab a cold Lone Star and wander around, going up to various people and starting conversations with "And you are...?"  Often I walk away thinking, "Yeah but... CLASS OF 61' RULES!"

I sit for a while with Jane, Joan and Lynda - classmates who all became teachers.  Not one of them looks older than 50.  How did they manage that?

"He rocks in the treetop all the day long

Hoppin' and a-boppin' and a-singin' his song"

Bobby Day - "Rockin' Robin"

They are playing 50's Rock and Roll.  The dance floor redefines the word empty.

Rosie comes over and says, "Tom, let's dance."  "No way, I haven't danced in decades and besides we'd be the only ones out there."

She won't let go of it and drags me onto the dance floor.  The music is irresistible and it overwhelms my common sense.  

All of a sudden the music is around us and in us and all alone on the dance floor we are 'Rockin' ana' Boppin, Rollin' ana' Strollin'. 

We are on fire and burning up the floor.  In my mind I'm as good as I ever was, although I can't shake the feeling that most of the crowd is probably thinking, "What in the wide wide world of sports is that old fool doing out there dancing with that hot chick?"

The music ends and out of breath, we proudly slink back into the crowd.

I'm sitting with some classmates talking.  The music is so loud I can only hear snippets - "do you remember.... what happened to... moved there and... it hurt like hell with my two hip replacements."   Hearing some, pretending to hear others, I nod and I smile.

All of a sudden it's 9 o'clock and Roger is here to pick up Rosie.  We walk to his car.  Brenda is sitting in the passenger seat with her little Yorkie on her lap.  Rosie slides into the back seat and we say our goodbyes.

As I walk to my rental, I look up, and there, standing tall above the trees is that big Starlite movie screen.  From a distance it looks pristine and white but I know it is stained and rusty and decaying.  I wonder how it hasn't fallen down after all those decades of being abandoned.

I think of the before times when teen couples in cars - with other things on their minds - blissfully ignored the moving images on the screen.

And those teens are all gone now.  Some gone somewhere.  Some gone somewhere else. Some gone forever.  Some remembered.  Some forgotten. 

Battling against time, that big white screen seemingly pays no heed to the years. It ignores the rain, the wind and the neglect. 

Weathered and old, but still standing.

Just like us.

[thedaveandkimmershow]

Dang...

So July.

A definite crescendo of a month. Especially for one that starts off with explosions.

One month after moving back to the house after four years living on the Hill, it turns out the correct answer was...

Moving back to the house.

What can I say?

The reasons that made the choice such a difficult one not even two months ago... weren't so tough to navigate after all. Especially the commute side of the equation. It actually does work better than we would've guessed. Plus... the house is super chill, very quiet. Which makes sense since I-5 doesn't run right in front of it. Plus, though the remodeling of the house wasn't actually intended for us, it sure makes the house more optimized for what we do and want.

So yeah. A great call.

July fifth was our dating anniversary, the date of our establishing being July 5, 1990. Kind of a while ago. We lazed the morning. Went to see Indiana Jones & the Dial of Destiny at the Crest Theater, hit the Ballard GoodWill for some random browsing, derailed a trip to Trader Joe's by going to PCC across the street instead for orange creamsicles we subsequently enjoyed on the roof. Had a picnic on the shores of Smith Cove in front of Expedia. Did a walkabout of the Seattle Center for old time's sake. Finished off at Tapster on South Lake Union all—

On a sunny summer's day.

It was a fantastic dating anniversary.

Moving through the month, the next big event was this year's 48 Hour Film Project competition with the Combat Wombats, the production team that was kind enough to invite me to be a Wombat a coupla years ago for their short film, "Cleaners". This year's effort, "PTAgent" was, yes, hard work and a delight for all of us. It also feels like we're getting better at this having begun the journey at a high level to begin with.

By the way, the 48 Hour weekend was also proof of something Kimmer created: my edit suite. This was basically the shakedown cruise for using the room as intended, including the space for clients.

Initially I was thinking the overstuffed couch should be replaced with something a more sleek. That is... until Saturday night and Sunday during the day when the weary director and producer of "PTAgent" put its overstuffed comfort to good use.

The end of the 48 Hour extravaganza always features a dinner out with Kimmer. It's a tradition we didn't know was gonna be a tradition... but a tradition we started with my first 48 Hour Film Project editing "Cleaners", an experience that kept me up that particular Saturday night until 5AM Sunday morning and then up again by 9... four hours later. I think I finished with the edit around 4 that afternoon? At which point Kimmer offers dinner at Maggie Bluffs, our first such celebratory dinner with this year's, our fourth, at Las Brisas in Edmonds. ☺️☺️☺️

The reward for our 48 Hour experience, of course, was the opportunity to watch our work on the big screen at the Uptown Cinema in lower Queen Ann where, once upon a time as a youngster, I watched Young Sherlock Holmes.

Moving on, the second half of the month was definitely the most incredibly packed half. 

So the 48 Hour Film Project competition began the evening of Friday, July 14 ending on the evening of July 16. Four days later, Thursday the 20th, Kimmer 'n I drive up to the neighborhood behind the Grand Avenue Park Bridge, park our car, and walk down to the Everett Marina where Linzy's performing with the band The Little Lies.

Two days after that, Saturday, middle of the day, we join the band again at their Bite of Seattle performance that's taking place on one of the busiest weekends in Seattle history including but not limited to a Mariners game, the Capitol Hill Block Party, various cruise ship departures, and a Taylor Swift at Lumen Field mega concert. All of which conspired to bring everyone into the heart of Seattle.

Every place in the city was packed, is all I'm saying.

Same deal the next day, Sunday the 23rd, when we return to the Bite to see another band of which Linzy's a member: Midnight High (more on that band in a moment).

The Midnight High performance was around 1 in the afternoon after which we went back to the house as Linzy went on to that evening's Taylor Swift concert which, according to everyone, was a VERY big deal. Certainly for Linzy who basically grew up as a musician with Taylor's career. 🤩🤩🤩

Now, while all these shows were happening, as the world premiere of the film I cut approached, Kimmer was also up to her eyeballs... having officially applied to a doctorate program at her alma mater. And, by the time the screening happened, she was officially accepted.

HUZZAH!!!!!! 😁😁😁

And the doctorate program?

Doctor of Science in Integrative Health from the American College of Healthcare Sciences.

So there it is.

We all three were having a very busy week.

A coupla evenings later, Tuesday the 25th, I'm prefunctioning at the home of the Combat Wombats' director as most of the team gathers for pizza oven cooked pizza and drinks and talking shop and talking life… before heading to the Uptown Cinema for the world premiere of "PTAgent" on the big screen. By the time I get home, it's already a half hour into Sunday the 26th, the morning on which we're leaving for southern California to visit family and check in on Kimmer's aunt. At this point, we've gotta be out the door in six hours but manage to eat one of those hours watching an episode of Madame Secretary, a series that's turned out to be a big deal for us this summer after we blitzed through the eight episode season one of The Diplomat four times in a row.

Yeah. We desperately needed another show to watch.

So credits roll on Madam Secretary and now it's a little after 130AM. The way things work out, we'll be up three and a half hours later at 5AM, ready and on the road to the airport by 640AM, in the air by 8, and so on.

Which pretty much explains how tired we were the rest of the day.

Our California family's family, though, which means they give us a huuuuge shot of energy for four solid days of taking our home life on the road, an essential part of which is about seeing Kimmer's aunt who lives in a memory care community.

By the time we're home again, we're into the first minutes of Sunday the 30th, a day that we figured will be a normal-ish, chores-ish day that suddenly turns into the world premiere of Linzy's music on the radio.

One of the bands in which she performs harmonies and keys, you see, is called Midnight High, their latest gig being that one at the Bite of Seattle. And Sunday evening, our day back from California, they're on the Locals Only show on KNDD-FM 107.7 The End. They're promoting their new album, "Swimming Lessons", showcasing a few songs from that album and sharing some of their favorite music including "I Don't Wanna Know" from Linzy's debut Dream Patrol project EP titled "Made For TV".

Dang.

That made for a very "That Thing You Do" moment for us at home and for Linzy over at her place.

And yup.

After a crazy busy July, that's seven months down.

Five to go.

🤔🤔🤔

[surveysand]

twenty-nine.

Who was the last baby you held? my cousin when i met him for the first time a few months after he was born. Would you ever dye your hair blue? i wouldn't dye my hair any color ever. How many people do you know that have a great sense of fashion? i'd say two or three. What age did you start feeling grown up? i still really don't feel grown up. i'd say 21 was a turning point, though. Do you get annoyed easily? yes, lol. people just consistently are idiots.

Yellow or green? yellow. it's my favorite color. Have you ever been on a cruise? no, and i would never go. i'm terrified of the ocean. Are cats one of your favorite animals? yes. How much sleep do you normally get each night? around eight hours. Do you listen to heavy metal music? not really, but there's a few songs from the genre in my music library. What’s your favorite song that has come out here recently? "blame" by the maine. If you were to get a piercing, which would you like? What piercings do you already have? i would get second earlobe piercings. i already have my ears, my nose, and my nipples pierced. How many pictures do you have in your camera roll? about 7,500. Have you ever done an internet challenge? yes. Why did you last leave the house? to take my dog outside. What is the last thing you purchased online? a t-shirt and vinyl record. When did you last get a hair cut? years ago. i think i was in high school the last time i got it cut. Do you have layers in your hair? no. Do you have any half siblings? no. What has recently annoyed you? not being able to get hired at a job. Do you get along with your exes? i only have one and we're cordial if we ever see each other, but we don't talk otherwise. How many pairs of jeans do you own? three. What all have you done today? nothing, really, lol. taken my dog for a walk, made myself food, applied to jobs/kept tabs on submitted applications, and did dishes. When did you last go to a theater? 2022, but it was for a concert. Who did you last compliment? my partner. Have you ever been pulled over by the police? no, i don't drive. Have you ever been banned from anywhere? no. When did you last purchase a balloon? What was the occasion? no idea, but the last time i did was probably for someone's birthday. What is your typical weekend like? hanging out with friends and my partner. Do you ever use self checkout in stores or do you prefer waiting in line for an employee? self-checkout. What is the last fruit you consumed? a lemon slice. Are you a jealous person? not generally. How do you unwind after a stressful day? laying down and cuddling with my dog. What was your first kiss like? stupid, lol. i was a kid and kissed a boy for the hell of it. Have you ever done one of those inflatable obstacle courses? no. How old will you be next year? 23.  Have you ever had a buzzcut? no. How long can you stand being in a car before you get bored? i actually don't get that bored on road trips. i'm content just listening to music or making conversation with people. What’s the last frozen thing you consumed? an ice pop. What’s your favorite bird? swans.

[reflectingiridescent]

Leverage: Redemption finale, the past, scales falling from Harry's eyes, and how that ties into Sophie's journey

Can we talk about Harry and Grace (what is it with white men in this show universe calling their ex-wives their wives?)?

In the second part of the pilot, we find out that Harry has a daughter because of his response to Breanna mentioning EDM. In The Rolling on the River Job, the WAoVW bit he does with Sophie strongly suggests that he has experience with a broken marriage. Further, his attempts at doing a really good job (long hours, possibly even turning his firm more crooked as we find out in The Bucket Job) were for his wife and daughter (or, at the very least, this is how he justifies it to himself). All he wanted to do was love them, which he veeeeeeeery slowly reveals to the team (most specifically Sophie) over the season.

His 0 to 60 in emotions surprises Sophie (the daiquiri she's holding, btw, is such a New Orleans thing and if you ever go there please have one but get a small size and also share it with a friend because they are strong AF - and yes, they're drive-thru and yes, they tape the straw and leave a fraction of the straw wrapper on top to count as a "closed container").

Side note, but like look??? I'm like so jealous of Gina's legs? Sophie's in mostly longer pants and skirts this season, but I was like damn. Anyway, I'm 5'2. Moving on.

As the two-part finale unfolds, it becomes clearer and clearer that he's put Grace and Ethan's relationship on a pedestal (and Grace and Ethan as individuals, to be fair).

I do like that Harry's "no no this one's different" angle doesn't work out, validating Breanna's perspective, specifically because she's the youngest. I also like that Breanna's the one least personally involved with Harry, so she has the most clarity in this situation. This show is pulp but does not pull punches. All corporations are rotten. All of them.

We find out that Grace is a lot like Harry was before his heel-face turn. She just wants a comfortable life. She doesn't care who suffers on the way to making that happen. She finds Harry's new morals naive.

Harry, in trying to figure out his future, has actually been chasing his past. That's a theme that is dealt with a lot in Leverage. We've seen Nate and Sophie do it (apart as well as with each other). We've seen Eliot do it, and even Parker gets an episode where she does it a little. Harry learns, as they all do, that they can't go back.

I wonder about Becky in this situation, who knows enough to see her dad's business dealings as evil but doesn't see it in her stepdad...until now. I kind of want to know where her head is at.

To pull Harry's journey next to Sophie's journey, which is designed to be a parallel, Sophie's reaching for a bit of her past too. But her decision is more complex, because she's already gone through a "don't reach for your past for unhealthy reasons" section of her life. As she tells Hardison in the premiere, the past is serving as a handhold for her at that point. But Sophie's past is not as linear as Harry's. There are parts of her past that even she loses track of. Directing theater was where she knew she belonged at the end of the og series. It makes sense that she'd look there this time around.

No one's happy she wants to go (Parker's the only one who says it explicitly), but at this point, Sophie's not sure she belongs with this group of people who are her family, if it's serving who she is now or if it's serving her past. It's taking down RIZ that is a turning point for her professionally and personally. Much like cons were/are an outlet for her acting skills in the first series, they're now an outlet for her directing skills. There's a shift in perception that happens with her during this finale where the connections in everything click. And I love that.

In the end of course, Sophie and Harry both make decisions to go back to family, because they do ultimately see their place as beside them (for now) - and that is a decision that ties in to who they've decided they are as people as well as the work that they want to do. They both feel that's a decision worthy of them and that they are worthy for the people they have chosen to stand beside.

[writtenbyancientghosts]

Tag 10 people you’d like to know better

Thank you for tagging me @danceintheskies !!! I don't have very many friends on Tumblr but I will tag the few I have :0

Relationship status: I am very single!!! I have been really happy lately with my friends though, so I'm having a good time hanging out there!

Favorite color: My favorite color is this garishly bright red! Honestly it kind of burns my eyes to look at for too long, but something about it makes me very happy! It tastes like a Shirley Temple and feels like flour-dusted dough. It's the most tangible color of them all to me.

Favorite food: It is mapo tofu hands down. I went vegan semi-recently, which has really limited my food options! But mapo tofu is perhaps the best food ever, and it still fits in my diet!! It's very spicy and filling and tastes so good with the rice... Before I went vegan, an everything bagel with butter and an egg that was runny in the middle was my favorite food ever though. I had it every morning for breakfast!

Song stuck in your head: Diamond City Lights by LazuLight...... Iluna just debuted so I am feeling very VTuber OTL

Last thing you googled: "bright red" for the image!! LOL. Before that, frantic google mapping for the worldle.

Time: It is 1:37 AM! I should. Go to bed soon. (Update. finishing this at 9:41 PM a week later.)

Dream trip: Oh literally so many places... I'd love to go somewhere where I can speak the local language, though! So maybe somewhere Spanish speaking (after some more practice), and hopefully in a few years a place that speaks Mandarin! I also think New Zealand and Norway are really pretty...

Last book you enjoyed reading: The most recent book I read that really smacked me over the head as a fantastic read was The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo!! I went in knowing nothing, and that was really really good for this book specifically. Would recommend.

Last book you hated reading: It's been a long time since I've read a book I've genuinely hated. Maybe in middle school, the Matched series? When I was a kid, bad books made me feel actually a little sick to read, and this was one of them. I was sad this happened because YA dystopian romances were my jam back then.

Bonus:

Favorite thing to cook/bake: UM. Banana bread. Always a winner. (Once again with the vegan thing, banana bread is pretty easy to make vegan and still good.)

Favorite craft to do in your spare time: Probably writing!! I've always loved writing, like my whole life, and I've been meaning to etch out more time for it in my daily schedule!

Most niche dislike: This specific feeling. When you've had a bad day and your shoulders are SO tense and you want to splay out on your floor and watch a loud Youtube video, and you finally get back to your shared living space and your roommate is asleep so you have to quietly walk back to your bed and just lie on it in the dark. Like, when you want to fall apart loudly but you have to be restrained even in your living space as to not wake up your roommate. THE WORST EVER!

Opinion on circus(es) now and in history: Fascinating question. I honestly like the vibes of an old circus in history. Modern circuses ... aren't real? I've never heard of one ever. Oh, cirque du soleil. Scary, would rather go to a theater.

Do you have a sense of direction and if not what is the worst way you ever got lost: (This one's longer because i DO have a story.) After I have taken a route a few times my sense of direction gets cemented pretty solidly. Before that it's between god and google maps. This being said, one time I was on a two hour drive to my friend's house. I was dressed as Lemon Meringue from Strawberry Shortcake for important reasons. My phone (my entire nav system, my car was made in 1997), was at five percent, and I was running on FUMES on a massive road with an unnecessary number of lanes. I could not find a gas station for the life of me. I pulled into a town, and then what I think was a prison. Some very nice people directed me to a gas station, and I immediately took the wrong turn and ended up on the huge road again. It was 85 degrees. I finally made it to a gas station but BARELY, and then sat in the back of a CVS for thirty minutes to charge my phone. That was pretty embarrassing. My friends made me share my location with them so they could save me if my phone and car simultaneously died.

@ladyrainmaster @mintyfishuu I'm holding a gun to your heads, politely.

[liskantope]

Happy Winter Sostice everyone!

On past solstices I've often posted "Happy Solstice!" and mentioned something about how one day I would find a way to attend some sort of Secular Solstice event with rationalists. Well, now that I live in reasonable driving distance from New York, it's finally happened, the weekend before last (evening of the 10th). While the experience was anticlimactic in some ways, I still think it's worth recounting at least for myself to look back on if for no one else.

The event took place in a theater in a dense part of NYC and driving there was... a mistake. This wound up overshadowing the event itself both in terms of time/energy and (almost) in terms of giving me a memorable experience and feeling of accomplishment -- given how doubtful it was at one time in my life that I was ever going to be a competent driver given some of my neurological difficulties, every additional intense driving scenario that I've managed to get through with flying colors over the past three years since I got my second car and first began to do city driving feels like a serious victory.

Long story short, I forgot to figure in parking to my timetable for arriving at the event and, although I got to the correct street at around the start of the event, finding a parking garage that wasn't full and/or going to cost me over $50 was a challenge, one which involved 5-7-point turns each time I needed to change course, with each "point" of the turn accompanied by waiting for a sequence of pedestrians or cyclists to pass in front of and behind me. In the end I found a garage that would take my car for two hours for a charge of $30, which I've heard since then is quite a bargain for parking in NYC. I rushed into the theater around 20 minutes late, but they were only just getting started, by singing "We'll Meet Again", followed by "Still Alive", so maybe they figured that others would have vehicle/transportation issues as well.

I stayed near the back and eventually spoke to the people sitting near me but only them, apart from during the intermission when I walked around and introduced myself to a few more people. My real prospect of socializing and getting to know these rationalists was the afterparty, which I knew would take place at a different location in New Jersey shortly after the main event. (There was also going to be an un-conference the next day, but I didn't want to deal with lodging and a full weekend out of town and planned to instead drive back home very late after the afterparty.) As it turned out, my experience of the afterparty never happened, again because of my car being involved. I knew I had to check it out of the parking garage before the two hours were up, and I was able to make the lengthy drive into the afterparty location, driving under the Hudson to do so (there's something that always feels very momentous and exciting about crossing the Hudson for me), but parking anywhere reasonably near it proved to be completely impossible: the only parking garage I could locate anywhere near it turned out to no longer exist, and meanwhile, circling over and over waiting for street parking to open (you really have to be there and ready to act the moment someone else leaves a street spot) wasn't getting me anywhere (in more senses than one), and meanwhile I was tired and very hungry, having still not managed to get dinner. I finally had to admit defeat, embracing the silver lining that I would only be driving home a little uncomfortably late instead of during the wee hours of the morning. So, in the end that was at least five hours of driving for an event that lasted less than two hours for me. Next time (like if I decide to attend the next solstice event in June), I'm definitely traveling by train.

Despite coming away feeling disappointed that I didn't get more out of all the trouble I went to, there's something enjoyable in basking in the freedom I have in my life now, even when I've generally preferred the idea of being more tied down by this age: I can very spontaneously decide to drive over two hours away for just an evening with total strangers and pay $65 to do so ($30 for the parking and $35 for a ticket to the event) and not have to worry terribly much about the possibility of needing to pay more if anything goes wrong. That's a level of freedom tons of people I know have never really had, that I might not have forever and may one day be looking back upon nostalgically.

Anyway, the actual event.

Complemented with the afterparty or a chance to really get to mingle with the crowd, I think it may have been a fantastic experience. As it happened, I found it an inspiring and very intriguing experience with the potential to be much more if I weren't such an outsider and if I'd had the chance to properly mingle. The crowd of people, to start with, were in some sense the first roomful of self-identifying (aspiring) rationalists I've ever met in meatspace, or at least I think to a greater extent than those I've met at SSC/ACX meetups (those crowds are united in having some medium-to-strong interest in Scott Alexander's writing, but this is distinct from being fully acquainted with or part of the rationalist community). And... I don't quite know the right words to articulate this, but... they looked and presented and behaved exactly like I always imagined a group of rationalists to come across: in terms of age (from 20's to early 40's but hardly anyone looked older than that) and degree of unconventional presentation (moderate, nothing really flashy, but many somewhat unconventional but looking very comfortable in their own skin, a great deal of variety in styles). Since I didn't do much direct interaction with them, I can't speak much to their personal mannerisms, but my general impression of that was very similar. Overall I'd feel quite comfortable socializing in a group like that.

There was no program posted anywhere that I could find (nor has there been, since), and I really didn't know much of what to expect. I had seen video footage of a Secular Solstice in the Bay Area a few years ago, which suggested that most of the event would be songs interspersed with readings, which was exactly what this event turned out to be. The readings were of parts of essays written by various prominent members of the rationalist community (one was by Scott Alexander but I didn't remember it). I believe the only person who came onto the stage to read their own writing was Zvi Mowshowitz, a name I vaguely knew as I've seen some of his articles pop up from time to time show up in my Wordpress reading feed. Apart from Zvi, I didn't encounter any figures I was familiar with (it occurred to me that Aella might be there, as I believe she lives in the area and does some socializing with the rationalist community, but I didn't notice any sign of her).

But what the event was really about was music, and that was by far the most impressive aspect of it. There was a full band on stage as well as the guy running the event and a couple of other organizers who took turns leading the singing. Some songs, like the first two plus at least one Beatles song ("Here Comes the Sun"), are fairly well known, but what really impressed me was how many songs were written by rationalist community members themselves, and they were good! As in, really good. Both in the poetry of their lyrics and in their musicality. Their general messages and turns of phrase were calibrated at just the right balance of being cerebral and beautifully moving (many about the wonders of technological progress, but also a lot of the content was about groping toward societal progress and a culture based on love and togetherness). I would love a list of the songs and where to find lyrics and recordings of them and so on, but again, nothing in the way of a program seems to be posted anywhere. Lyrics flashed on a big screen; audience participation was of course highly encouraged and really enjoyable for me. Altogether the musical aspect made me compare this experience very favorably to my recent (since 2019) experiences with Unitarian Universalist services: although my very favorite aspect of my "new" UU congregation that I had an ongoing but rocky relationship with was the amazing quality of the music at their services, I found this Solstice event a more spiritually gripping experience than probably any UU service I've ever been to. This is despite the vibe at UU being more overtly about spirituality, and being very touchy-feely (to use a term I'm not super fond of, but after someone suggested it to me it's hard for me to think of something that better describes the more recent UU vibe). Nobody at Solstice appeared to crying or in the thralls of profound emotions or anything transcendent exactly, but everyone appeared to be very earnest and serious (though having fun in the lighter parts) and compared to 2019-and-later UU, I felt a stronger sense of emotionally vibing with a community; this is despite also knowing I was a pretty big outsider who didn't actually know a single person in the room.

As a side note, whoever put the program together did an excellent job of setting it up to convey the sensation of going through a very long night but seeing the dawn ahead, which is only what's most appropriate for celebrating the winter solstice (and at an event taking place well after sunset). I like to imagine the summer solstice version having quite a different feel and hope I might get to find out in six months.

Overall, interesting and promising. Hard to say, but maybe I'll be back in June.

[geekgemsspooksandtoons]

It's been many minutes or so since my first rewatch of Hilda And The Mountain King. I'm not gonna spoil anything huge. Yet I will make hints about some stuff.

I just wanna say I still love this movie. I love it so very much. Watching during the New Years time was a perfect idea. But I wanna clarify some things that bothered me. Somewhat criticisms or nitpicks. Because I love so much stuff about this film.

-

1. Trylla.....Baba's mother...let me explain. I don't mind her as a character. She's pretty fine as one. But as my dear friend @cinnamon-sparrow-scout explained it perfectly...

What she did...and I was thinking about this during my first rewatch of the movie. Even though yeah, what happens because of Hilda...

But Trylla and her actions are the catalyst for what happens. Her actions are what drives the story in the first place. And some of her moments...

I'm sorry, there needed to be a scene where she straight up gets chewed out. Even though I appreciate her efforts to help out during the final act. She has some good moments. But there needed to be a scene with her and Johanna after everything had settled. I wanted that.

I think Luke should've developed on that more. Because it feels VERY WEIRD that her actions afterwards are not a big focus or something.

-

2. I wished this movie was longer. Okay, not like 2 hours or anything. I understand making Hilda is maybe difficult. But the reasons why I'm asking this because Trylla and Erik could've used some extra scenes, along with other things. And maybe whatever else.

Also, I just love this movie. And this is gonna be the last Hilda related thing we might get until season 3. I don't mind the hiatuses at times. Especially with the movie feeling like an ending.

I just love this world and it's characters.

I also feel like maybe to make the movie feel like it's own thing. Maybe a recap of, "The Stone Forest" for any newcomers. I know that sounds strange. I was mainly imagining if this was a theatrical film. But it's overall fine or whatever.

I'm maybe wording it wrong. I still love how the movie plays out. Now I want to get to the final thing.

-

3. Erik.....I talked to Cinnamon about this. I totally understand the criticism. But to be honest...I strangely appreciate that they did that in the ending. It lines up a bit more with his original counterpart. But it also just...makes him more human in a sense.

Yeah, it goes really quick. I liked that they had the courage to straight up do that. Yet the ending...makes me sad a little. Even though it's a good thing concerning him.

Everything is literally beautiful. The way this movie ends is beautiful. I may have not cried like the first time I watched it. But I still love the ending.

I'm just gonna really miss Erik...so much that I made a silly, but stupid meme before I made this post. I'm not gonna share it yet...I'm worried of how people would respond to it. But it's stupid, yet funny.

-

Overall, everything else was great. I will say this. I wished the Bellkeeper showed up somehow. Especially with how some of the movie plays out.

But I still love this movie so much. This movie, along with the first two seasons are why I love the creator, writers, and so many other things about this show.

If this was showing in a theater (And I read in a tweet there were select theaters during the day it released that it must've possible), I would damn well go to the theater to see it.

Honestly, add "The Stone Forest" to make it more complete like a double feature. That would be legendary.

Edit update and took out s behind add. But I forgot to say this. And forgot to mention this in my first reaction to the movie. Where I straight rewinded it to hear it again during my first time watching it.

Trylla straight up has the Godzilla 1998 roar. XD I'm not kidding! The roar is in this video. It's so amusing to hear.

[salvatoreschool]

Kaylee Bryant talks playing Elena from Vampire Diaries in Legacies musical episode

Legacies is about to take a trip down memory lane. In the series' upcoming episode, "Salvatore: The Musical," the Salvatore School puts on a musical all about the school's history. That history includes the story of Elena Gilbert (Nina Dobrev), Stefan and Damon Salvatore (Paul Wesley and Ian Somerhalder), Caroline Forbes (Candice King), Klaus Mikaelson (Joseph Morgan), and many more. And for Legacies' Kaylee Bryant, it was a chance to put her love of all things Vampire Diaries to use.

EW spoke with Bryant about the hour and the pressure of playing Elena.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: As a fan of The Vampire Diaries, what was your reaction the first time you read this episode?

KAYLEE BRYANT: Oh, I was so excited! I was so obsessed with The Vampire Diaries, and I've watched it so many times. I feel like the past 5-6 years of my life have been in preparation for this. [Laughs] I got super nervous when they told me I was playing Elena. But the more that I realized it was me playing Josie and Josie who was playing Elena, the more I was like, "Oh, this is okay. This makes sense."

You all nailed the Elena costume.

Yeah, it's kind of amazing. The costume department, the hair and makeup department, everybody got super inspired and super excited about it. We had pictures everywhere of everybody's most iconic looks, which involved a lot of pleather as I think we all know, a lot of bootcut legs.

And the layering of the shirts!

Oh my God, I miss it, but at the same time we were doing the "Hello Brother" dance and we got to take 30 and I was like, "Why am I sweating so much?" And I was like, "Oh because I'm wearing three layers of thermals." [Laughs]

As the TVD expert on the cast, did you find yourself explaining a lot of things to your cast mates?

Oh constantly. My only thing is, and I'm going to regret this for the rest of my life, is that in the opening number I was wearing Elena's necklace and I kick myself to this day because she shouldn't have the necklace by then. That's going to drive me crazy for the rest of my life. You see Elena and just associate the necklace with her but Stefan's the one that gives it to her and she meets Stefan with it on in the musical and I'm like, "Nooo!"

What was your favorite part of making this episode?

Honestly, the rehearsal process was so much fun. Chris [Lee] and I both come from musical theater backgrounds and I think we both were really missing it at that point, so we actually did full-blown rehearsals in a ballet studio with professional dancers and it was so much fun! We all got to play around and that was genuinely my favorite part of it all.

How long was the rehearsal process?

Well, episodes 1 through 4 are year-long episodes. These episodes took a year to do because we started at this time, if not earlier, last year and finished at the very end of last year. It took a very long time because we got put on hold because of COVID so it was a lengthy process. We did the choreography and the recordings and a few scenes before we all got shut down. It's almost been worse because then I had an entire year to sit back and go, "I could've done all of that so much better." [Laughs]

What does Josie take away from her time as Elena?

She really takes away a lot. I went through the same process as Josie in that I heard that Josie was playing Elena and I was like, "Why would they do that, they have nothing in common." And then the more I dug, the more I realized that their over-arching character stories have so much in common, with them deciding what is the right choice for them outside of everybody else. So it's really interesting how her stepping into Elena really validates what it means to be selfish versus what it means to look after your mental health.

Looking ahead a bit, is she still dealing with the Dark Josie fallout in episodes to come?

Definitely. Josie has been at this school for her entire life and she sees magic very differently than everybody else. She struggles with basically an addiction to magic, and I think that she really comes to terms with that these next couple of episodes. The Salvatore School is completely full of magic so her entire life she's always been surrounded by the thing that hurts her the most, so she has to take initiative for herself and what is best for her.

Is there a side of Josie you'd like to see more of this season?

The first half of the season following the musical and episode 4, we really dive into Josie actually sticking to her word of not being co-dependent and really finding her own independence, which is something that I had so much fun working on. What's exciting about this season for me personally is that I do get to work with some new faces, which was really fun to get some fresh blood in here.

Legacies airs Thursdays at 9 p.m. ET on the CW.