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sometimesoliloquy · 2 years ago

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The Handmaid’s Tale 5x07 “No Man’s Land” (or “For Fuck’s Sake, Serena!”) 👀

I was wondering if this episode was going to literally just be June and Serena, and wondered how they (and we) would survive it. Well, it very nearly was and yet somehow we all did (I think... are y’all ok?). I think it’s really just hit me that there are only 3 episodes left in this season(?!!) and really almost nothing has happened except for June being mad and murder-y a lot. And Putnam’s execution, which almost makes up for the rest. Anyway.

We arrive once again in the car with June and Serena. June is trying to get some answers but Serena is too busy moaning and clutching her stomach and trying to somehow seem threatening at the same time. My suspicion that Serena does in fact not know how to operate a gun is verified when she accidentally shoots the windshield out, almost killing them (I wonder if she was she planning on holding the gun on June the entire time she was giving birth?). In the promo it definitely seemed like a third party was shooting at them (I’d thought, damn, Ezra sure runs fast with a bruised lung!) but no, they are thankfully (or unfortunately??) alone. June says fuck this and gets out to start her escape through the woods, but left to her own device for two seconds, Serena manages to drive the car off the road into a muddy ditch, and I guess June feels bad about how pathetic she is. Serena refuses to go to the hospital because "they'll" find her (let's be honest though, considering how we later see she feels about modern medicine and evolution, she probably wouldn't have regardless, and anyway she got the goddamn car stuck in a ditch). Luckily there just happens to be a barn within very-pregnant-lady-about-to-give-birth's stumbling distance away. June quips “Maybe there’ll be a manger”, saying what we were all thinking, and I mean if they’re going to be that blatant with symbolism I do appreciate them at least being self aware about it.

As they head to the shelter, we flash back to the duo attending a birthing ceremony in the early days of June’s enslavement their acquaintance. Serena breezes in with a nice little dig about their tardiness being due to what an insecure, whiny little man-baby Fred is, which I enjoyed. Aunt Lydia is being ridiculous as ever droning on about "God's vessels", but the best part is that we (all too briefly) get to see Alma and Brianna (how we've missed you, lovelies!!). June and Serena are the only ones who seem to realize how ridiculous the wife's fake labor pains are and trade a few covert smirks, which is weird considering Serena is soon to be so upset about June ruining her own pantomimed labor farce that she suggests to Fred that they violently rape her as punishment.

(literally Serena in s2)

Ostensibly it's supposed to make us believe that Serena was more sympathetic than we ever saw her actually be. That and lead into a nice transition of June telling Serena to "breeeeathe". June terrorizes comforts Serena by recalling her brutal labor with Hannah, and her dangerous solitary labor with Nichole. Paranoid (but maybe rightly so given recent events), Serena pushes June away when she tries to help, and June is like k cool I'm out then, do it on your own. Back in the flashback, all is not going well with the birth, and Aunt Lydia casually gives the surgeon the go ahead to cut the baby out of the disposable vessel dying handmaid. The wives are escorted out of the birthing room because this is not for their delicate lady eyes, but the handmaids are forced to pray as they watch the grisly scene of their friend and peer being cut open like a ripe grapefruit just behind the sheet.

June is now using her girl scout skills to try and get the car out of the ditch, and succeeds (is there anything this woman can't do?)! But the blood on her hand from pushing the broken windshield glass out of the way reminds her of the very real possibility of Serena bleeding out and dying along with her baby, and she just can't do it (fuck!) and returns to a (for once) seemingly grateful Serena. June makes a pretty good midwife and soon enough (at least in tv show time) the baby is out and scooped up crying into June's arms. For a second June literally turns into Gollum and I was waiting for her to hiss "my precious" and scurry away with the lil bundle of joy, but then her face changes back to beatific and she hands the babe to Serena with happy tears in her eyes, moved at the miracle of birth. I had a hard time deciding which outcome I would have liked better, to be honest, although I guess it would have been pretty dark if June went and threw him into the fires of Mordor. At this point I am definitely wondering what they cut the umbilical cord with. A pair of abandoned shears left in the barn? Safety glass from the car window? Did June shoot it with the gun? These are the details I need to know but I guess we never will.

( Stew the rabbits! )

We get another flashback of Serena exchanging a sympathetic look with June after Ofclarence dies, and I guess we're supposed to believe that she really cares, even though she's literally only ever been nice when there's something she wants. Back at the barn, Serena decides to name the baby Noah: “the savior of humanity”, because I guess “Jesus” would be too on the nose (and after all Gileadeans are really more of Old Testament fans). June asks Serena "was it worth it" and Serena says right now she thinks it was, which even with the qualifier is the WRONG ANSWER, Serena, honestly what the actual fuck, woman. June however just continues to calmly make small talk about breastfeeding. I liked the part about Hannah getting frequent colds and that sometimes June couldn't stay home with her, "sometimes I didn't want to stay home with her." It provides some more color around the previous flashback of her giving Hannah tylenol to bring her temperature down so she could go to school, which she got SO MUCH SHIT for and was on Gilead's list of her motherly unfitness. But what a relatable thing, jesus christ, to just be human and doing your best to be a good mother and also want to have your own career and identity beyond that. Serena asks why she didn't kill her back at the Gilead information center, and June emotionally says "I didn't want to". Then Serena has to go and ruin the mood by bringing up FRED of all people. For chrissakes, Serena, know your audience. She asks if June thinks Noah will be like Fred and June says it depends on how he's raised, on what she tells him is his to take, the significance of which completely goes over Serena's head: "I want him to have everything". Goddamnit Serena, the point was for you NOT to raise him as an entitled rapey asshole.

The sunlight is still artistically streaming through the cracks in the barn walls as June tells Serena she's got to get to a hospital, or she and the baby could die. When she balks again at the idea, June pushes and Serena divulges the details of her worst bed & breakfast stay EVER (one star! good service but very creepy amenities, heavy kidnap vibes). "It was like I was their handmaid... it was like I was you" Serena says, in a way that definitely seems like she is shocked and offended by this because she still considers herself superior to June, not that she is feeling actual remorse or empathy. Serena's delirious solution is to ask June to take the baby and raise him. She seems to express remorse for her actions but it's probably just 1/3 self pity and 2/3 the fever, considering immediately after she starts rambling about June being an avenging angel, and herself being the "vessel", calling back to Aunt Lydia's speech. It was "God’s will" for her to deliver the baby and now she can die. June actually seems to consider it for a minute, but then is like um no, fuck that, we are not vessels, none of the handmaids you helped enslave were vessels, they were people, with lives, and that's why June is going to save hers."You're his mother and he belongs with you, That is God's will. Followed by definitely the least violent ``Do you understand me?" to date. They arrive at the hospital and Serena is wheeled away. June asks to use the phone from the on duty nurse who is pretty concerned by her appearance (I think June has been covered in dirt and/or blood for about 70% of the season so far) but complies. We hear Moira's relieved "June?" (although I'm not sure how she knew it was her??) and I guess we'll have to be happy with that because god knows when we'll get to actually see Moira do or say anything interesting again. June visits Serena 's room, where anti-vaxxer mommy complains at length about the modern medicine and baby formula saving both her and her son's lives (again, you can take the girl out of Gilead, but...). By the way, the IV stand behind Serena definitely looks like a uterus and ovaries, and I'm not sure if they always do and I just never noticed? Hm. June reminds Serena there "is no home, just wherever you are" (a sad reminder of how very not at home June feels in Canada) and Serena wryly replies "No Man's Land" (and that completes my bingo card!). It just struck me that June kills Fred in No Man's Land, and then later saves Serena's life and helps bring their son into the world in No Man's Land. Huh. Talk about the circle of life I guess. Serena says a thank you that seems sincere, and June leaves, seeming to be in the most peace she's felt in a long time.

She finds Luke waiting for her in the reception area and embraces him, relieved to see him alive, I’d imagine. He excitedly tells her Tuello has the usb drive and is looking at it now, which I guess must mean Luke did actually smuggle it up his you know what because there's no way Wheeler goons didn't search them...right? He wants to know wtf is going on with Serena, and June starts rambling about the baby and jaundice and Serena being fine and that is obviously not what Luke meant but he's barely paying attention to her anyway because police officers are arriving and ominous music is starting to play. He seems pleased but June is concerned and hurries back down the hall to Serena's room, where the Canadian immigration officers are detaining her for illegal border crossing. The ominous music builds as June turns to Luke and we learn that he's the one who called them. Serena, having been told she's going to be separated from Noah, desperately cries, screams and begs them not to take her baby. Luke, in the tone of a Jedi knight who's just turned to the dark side, says "At last, she knows how it feels" as June looks on in horror.

(cue the Imperial March)

***

Damn. I had an inkling there would be a June-Serena reconciliation of some sort by the end of this episode but I have to admit, I did NOT see Luke's rise as a sith lord coming. And look, I've seen a lot of opinions celebrating this as a kind of heroic move, but the show was literally playing villain music as the reveal was happening so I'm just saying it as I saw (and heard) it. To be clear, all jokes aside, I am not saying that Luke is a villain. I understand his impulse for revenge, or justice, whatever he want to call it. I get that Serena is a very bad person who is very likely not actually remorseful or even capable of change (I still think she’s a sociopathic narcissist) and that she is the presently available proxy for Gilead and all of its evils. And look, I could go on and on about what exactly justice looks like and the morality of the "eye-for-an-eye" type of justice but honestly, all of that is beside the point. Because the thing is, it wasn't really Luke's justice or vengeance to be had, or to execute on behalf of June. Serena is June's monster to slay. And from this insane, completely unexpected, cathartic experience June has just had, she's realized she doesn't actually need to. For the entire season she's been obsessed with revenge against Serena, convinced that what Lawrence told her was true, killing Fred "wouldn't be enough" because Serena was still out there. And then she finds in 5x04 that she can't do it. But I don't actually think it's until this episode, until she actually says the words, that she realizes it's because she doesn't want to. And she doesn't want to take Serena's baby away either.

And it's not even about forgiving or absolving her abuser, it's about realizing that she is not her, not them. She voices her fear to Moira in 5x04 : "what if this is who I am, now", what if her entire core has been reduced to this hurting ball of anger, intent on vengeance. Knowing no other way anymore but the hate and brutality Gilead taught her. And on the other end of this experience, she's found the answer that was inside of her: that despite the trauma and anger that's still there, Gilead did not take away her humanity, or her compassion. She doesn't have to live by the eye-for-an-eye rules she was conditioned to adhere to, it’s not going to bring Hannah back or bring Gilead down. She really meant her prayer for their children, that they may "live a life of peace, a life without all this hate and violence." And part of that means ending the cycle here, means not punishing an innocent baby for his parents’ crimes. This seems to maybe actually start her down a path of healing. The terrible irony is that all Luke has been wanting for the entire last season has been for June to heal and move on. And now just when it seems that June has found some peace, and can actually move on from her revenge obsession, he may have unintentionally thwarted this very thing with his own actions, and he doesn’t even realize it. I think June could have left that hospital and left Serena in the past, but now it seems she is going to get wrapped up in Serena's damn baby drama, and sadly Luke only has himself to blame for that. The story that the last few episodes seem to have been telling, that June and Luke have been finally getting in sync, seems clearly now to be an illusion, a fairytale, if you will. Now we see them not even just on different pages, but having switched pages entirely. It will be interesting to see where they go from here.

#the handmaid's tale #the handmaids tale season 5 #no man's land #june osborne #osblaine #yes I am tagging osblaine even though there is no osblaine in this damn episode #because I always tag osblaine #goddamnit #serena waterford #luke bankole #tht #tht s5

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fivefeetfear · 3 years ago

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Chp 5

……….

So let me get this straight, you were the top of the relationship?

I smirk at Blitz text before responding.

Yes. Even back then shy dorky me knew how to assert myself in the bedroom.

I sent back. I was currently in the waiting room of Ozzies with my manager as we waited for our meeting with Asmodeus. In all honestly I am very nervous. This club is always packed and it would be very humiliating if it wasn’t the nights I’m here! But I can’t think like. I have to be positive about my abilities to draw in and keep a crowd entertained.

“There she! The star herself Obscure Heart, it’s a honor to have you here. I can’t imagine how chaotic your life must be now that the whole rings of hell know all about you.” Asmodeus says as he approaches me and my manager. We both stand up and exchange hand shakes.

“Hello Asmodeus thank you for inviting us. And yes things are getting very crazy. My phone has been blowing up with calls and emails for meetings.” My manager brags trying to sale the idea that my time is money which it is. Every media outlet has been reaching out to me on socials for an interview.

“Well then I should consider my self lucky to have steal you away first! Now let’s go in my office and talk out the details.” The three of us walk to the back to his office, inside there was purple and blue mood lightly. He guides us over to a large pink love couch in the middle a large table with glasses and Champagne.

“So it’s really simple. I want to book Obscure for the month. Not only would this give you for sure large sum of money every night you work, but it will give you exposure and free press in the media. We have a long standing reputation of creating stars here. Versika Mayday, the Squirters, Ruthless and Taylor Swift. Of course she is in the human realm now.” I took in all the information as I look at my manager. I could see her doing the math in her head.

“It would save us a lot of money on doing press tours. People will want to come here giving Ozzies more money. I can see it now haters and fans pooling into the streets just wanting to get a peek at Obscure! It will be madness! No one ignores a mob, investors will be lining up at the door to have you make ads or promo their stupid shit online for 5 stupid seconds! You’ll be the topic in each realm!” My manager says quickly letting out maniacal laughter here and there. I had to agree with her it would make it a lot easier to get more exposure at a popular club that’s all packed each night. Giving me time to adjust to my new life and maybe work on my songs more.

“I say let’s do it.”

:readmore:

“Yes! Let’s do it! I’ll call everyone to come in today for rehearsal we are starting this ASAP!” And with that she left the office to make some calls.

“Great and I’ll get the paper work!” Asmodeus hums as he too left the room. Leaving me alone on the couch.

“Hey toots~” or so I thought. I look up to see Fizzarolli hanging from the ceiling. He easily jump down and lands safely before me.

“What do you want?” I mutter leaning back on the couch. The clown was stretching and twisting his body every which way releasing a loud yawn. Did he sleep here or something?

“Oh come on don’t be like that. I still can’t get last night out of my mind~” he purrs straddling me down on the couch. Here we go again.

“Look that was a moment of weakness. It won’t ever happen again.” I spat with a scowl. This only made him chuckle as he tilts my chin up with a his index finger.

“Ohhh playing hard to get, I love games~. I Remember we use to play lots of games with lots of toys~.” He purrs into my ear. His hand slowly tracing up my inner thighs. I quickly grab his wrist and press my arm against his neck. Easily enough I switch positions with him on the couch having me on top while holding him down.

“You never know when to quit do ya? Im not fucking you ever! And especially not in Asmodeus office!” I bark.

“Why not? Me and him do it all the time.” He response nonchalantly. My eyes blew wide as I press harder against his trachea.

“What the fuck? Are you still pulling this shit!?” I was seeing red. All I wanted to do in this moment was fucking kill the bastard. He has everything and he STILL can’t keep his hands to himself! It broke my heart into pieces when I learned he cheated on me. I could never fall prey into his hands. I could never bring that kind of pain to anyone else.

I fucking refuse to be the other woman.

You are fucking despicable. You are a low-some individual, an excuse of an imp. And you aren’t worth it.” Gaining some control I shove myself off of him allowing the idiot to breathe. He cough and hacked for air as he lean forward on his knees. He sputter something trying to talk but I reach over and grab the bottle of Champagne by the neck and pour the cold drink all over him.

“As long as I work here, you will not speak to me. You will not come close to me and if you do I’ll kill you.” I hiss as I turn around and left the office.

“ pathetic.” Was the last thing I said before closing the door on the chocking clown.

…………

That whole interaction was a week ago. And I kept my promise, I didn’t engage with the clown while I was here rehearsing. Thankfully it took majority of my time while at Ozzies. Fizzarolli had made several attempts to talk to me. Whenever I noticed him getting closer I immediately left or when he spoke I just ignored his existence. I was not here to play games. I was here to do a job and get the fuck out.

But whenever I would see him clingy to Asmodeus or seeing them act like a couple I had to admit it did bother me. But i had to play it cool, especially when Fizzarolli would catch me watching them. I was a bit jealous because the way he so sweet to Asmodeus and the way he makes him laugh was the same way he treated in our relationship. Then he slowly turned into a jackass that constantly criticize everything I did. Myself worth took a major blow until he ended it so abruptly, leaving me to pick up the pieces. But I don’t have to think about this! I have to think about my first performance today! And I was shitting bricks! I had to beg Blitz and the gang to come tonight. Apparently they all had a bad experience at Ozzies because the dynamics duo. But nevertheless they showed up! I was doll up and ready to go on stage. I easily spotted my friends amongst the crowded.

I had them sit front row, Blitz gave me his crazy ass pep talk before shoving me on stage. When I look out into the crowd I notice the club had to remove the tables in the back and set it up as arena for a concert due to the volume of guest that paid extra to come inside. My fans adore me the moment I step on stage and gave them a show. There were other performances before me but by the way the audience were reacting they are clearly here for me! I got in place for my last song of the night wishing I had more to offer but the rest of songs are being completed.

I met him out for dinner on a Friday night

He really got me working up an appetite

He had tattoos up and down his arm

There's nothing more dangerous than a boy with charm

He's a one stop shop, makes the panties drop

He's a sweet talkin' sugar coated candy man

A sweet talkin' sugar coated candy man

He took me to the Spider club on Hollywood and Vine

We drank champagne, and we danced all night

We shook the paparazzi for a big surprise (a big surprise)

The gossip tonight will be tommorow's headlines

He's a one stop shop, makes my cherry pop

He's a sweet talkin' sugar coated candy man (oh yeah)

A sweet talkin' sugar coated candy man

I smile widely seeing everyone reaction to the song. The audience either clap or sway in their seats. I couldn’t fight the smile on my face as me and my dancers executed the routine with flare. My outfit left nothing to the imagination as I show off my goods under the hot light.

He got those lips like sugar cane

Good things come for boys who wait

He's a one stop shop with a real big (uh)

He's a sweet talkin' sugar coated candy man

(Say what) a sweet talkin' sugar coated candy man

(Say) a sweet talkin' sugar coated candy man, woo

A sweet talkin' sugar coated candy man

Candy man, candy man

I huff heavily as we end the song with a striking pose. My ears were filled with cheers and whistles as we took our bows. This feelings is so unreal. I wanted to feel this every night I sang! This is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

“Ok folks that was end of the show! I hope you freaks liked what you saw. And don’t worry for those at home, if you missed Obscure, she will be performing again in a couple more nights! So grab your tickets and bring clean underwear Cuz it’s gonna be sexy show!” Fizzarolli says as he made his way to the stage fulfilling his host duties. He sent me a wink but I just walk away from him to get off the stage to my friends. I knew me ignoring him is getting under his skin. He hated it more than anything. But no matter what he does it will never get a rise out of me.

“Say Obscure next time you write a song about me give me my props.” He cracks making the guest look at me in shock. The news has been skeptical about our relationship. I have been dodging any questions that hinted at any romantic relationship with the idiot and here he is confirming it!!

“I mean come on it’s obvious she still completely in love with me and who could blame her! Although it wasn’t that long ago, I cant seem to remember why I let that hot piece of ass go.” He says tauntingly a large grin on his face.

“Say Obscure what do you say about giving this wild stallion another shot? What do you think folks?” He asks the crowd. Some cheer words encouragement while others boo or cried as they shout their undying love for me. That’s it. He wants to play, fine I’ll give him what he is looking for. I turn to see my band and back up singers ready on stage knowing what to do. I smile devilishly at them as i snap my fingers.

“Play it.” Understanding what I meant they got back on stage preparing for the new song.

“Need anything from us?” I peek over to see my friends were ready for whatever.

“How did you-“

“Please I know that look in your eye. You want revenge, and we are fucking in!” He says excitedly. Satan i missed him.

“Just keep Fizzarolli on stage. Don’t let him escape." I say as my excitement grows.

“Got it!” They chorused getting into positions blocking the entrances around the stage. Let’s fucking do this.

“You know what numb nuts I do have a song for you, maybe it will jog your memory.” I say into the mic placing the attention back on me. Fizzarolli chuckles as he turns to me seeing that I was once again engaging with him. He tilts his body to the side as he stares me down happily.

“Oh is that so? I love to hear it.” And right on que the lights in the building cut off leaving a single spot light on us. The music began to play as I approach Fizzarolli towering over him as I sang into the mic.

After all you put me through

You'd think I'd despise you

But in the end, I wanna thank you

'Cause you made me that much stronger

Well, I thought I knew you

Thinkin' that you were true

Guess I, I couldn't trust, called your bluff

Time is up 'cause I've had enough

You were there by my side

Always down for the ride

But your joy ride just came down in flames

'Cause your greed sold me out in shame

After all of the stealing and cheatin'

You probably think that I hold resentment for you

But uh-uh, oh no, you're wrong

'Cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do

I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through

So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger

Makes me work a little bit harder

Makes me that much wiser

So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster

Made my skin a little bit thicker

Makes me that much smarter

So thanks for making me a fighter

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh, yeah, yeah, yeah ohh

The way Fizzarolli face looks is priceless. I kept pushing, tugging and poking at him as I sang to him antagonizing the little shit. He did his best to flee the stage but Moxxie and Millie kept him at bay. Blitz would shove him to the ground when he would try to leave from the front stage and Luna growl at him intimidation. He had no idea what to do with himself and he look like like a scare fucking child.

Never saw it coming

All of your backstabbing

Just so you could cash in on a good thing

Before I realized your game

I heard you're goin' 'round playin' the victim now

But don't even begin feeling I'm the one to blame

'Cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies

Guess you're wanting to hold me

But that won't work anymore (no more, aha, it's over)

'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture

I wouldn't know how to be this way now and never back down

So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it makes me that much stronger

Makes me work a little bit harder

It makes me that much wiser

So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster

Made my skin a little bit thicker

Makes me that much smarter

So thanks for making me a fighter

Fizzarolli did his best to stretch himself away from the scene by going up to the ceiling, but a few fans that had wings kept knocking him back down to stage. Blitz brought a chair on stage and grab the clown shoving him down on the seat. Millie and Moxxie made quick work by tying him down tightly. I took this moment to sit on his lap to give him my undivided attention that he craved so badly.

How could this man I thought I knew

Turn out to be unjust, so cruel?

Could only see the good in you

Pretended not to see the truth

You tried to hide your lies

Disguise yourself through living in denial

I wrote this line especially for him as i drag my finger under his chin wiping off a bit of his white makeup. His red skin peeks out slightly. His eyes widen in fear when I show him the smudge of white on finger, the way his trembled under me was oh so delicious. I had the power now.

But in the end you'll see, you won't stop me

I am a fighter and I (I'm a fighter)

I ain't gon' stop (I ain't gonna stop)

There is no turning back

I've had enough

Makes me that much stronger

Makes me work a little bit harder (oh)

It makes me that much wiser (oh yeah, oh yeah)

So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster (yeah)

Made my skin a little bit thicker (yeah, yeah, yeah)

Makes me that much smarter (yeah)

So thanks for making me a fighter (Fighter)

You thought I would forget but I, I remembered (ooh-ooh-ooh)

'Cause I remembered (ooh-ooh-ooh)

I remembered

You thought I would forget (ooh-ooh)

I remembered (ooh-ooh)

'Cause I remembered (ooh)

I remembered

Makes me that much stronger (ooh-ooh)

Makes me work a little bit harder (ooh-ooh)

It makes me that much wiser

So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster

Made my skin a little bit thicker

Makes me that much smarter

………………………….

Candy man by Christian Aguilera

Fighter By Christian Aguilera

So this is basically the song that made this whole story. There is more to come.

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#fizzarolli helluva boss #fizzarolli reader #fizzarolli love story #fizzarolli x reader #fizzarolli #helluva fizzarolli #helluva boss #helluva boss story

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somebodycall911onabc · 4 years ago

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Some post-4x13 Buddie because ummmm no to everything that just went down and whatever the hell they're doing with that promo. Pre-relationship Eddie introspection, guest-starring sleepy Buck and Chris (how often can I have these two idiots—Buck and Eddie, not Chris—wake each other up too goddamn early in the morning; the answer is infinite).

Eddie wakes up.

The world is a quiet, washed-out hum of static and dim light. He listens to his breath, in and out, in and out, as the room comes into focus. The rhythmic beeping monitor. The rough sheets over his chest. The hollowed-out numb of his shoulder where—

fuck. Where he’d been shot.

Eddie blinks open his eyes and grimaces. He’s probably doped to hell but his shoulder aches like forest fire, like a pain that will consume him and the whole world too, if he lets it. His head feels like someone pumped it full of air right up until the point before it bursts. He grits his teeth and gathers saliva on his tongue, carefully distributes it so that when he swallows, it will feel less like he’s ingesting a quart of sand. He knows this song and dance. He wiggles his fingers and toes and notes that remarkably, everything’s in working order. He wonders how often you can cheat death before that karma comes to get you.

Although he thinks Buck would probably go to bat for him, even against death himself. The heart monitor spikes as Eddie remembers with a vicious and cruel clarity Buck’s eyes on his as Eddie shuddered and collapsed. Buck’s wide, deer-in-headlights eyes, all that Eddie could see, just two pinprick pupils until there was nothing else, just the black, blank darkness.

Eddie tips his head to the side and opens his eyes, unclenching his fists, and nearly reels back when he sees Ana. She’s crumpled in the seat beside him, her chin resting on her collarbone, her long, dark eyelashes twitching against her cheek as she sleeps.

He closes his eyes and turns his head away.

But Ana’s a light sleeper. She was already waking up when he looked at her, roused from the shallow depths of unconsciousness by the change in Eddie’s breathing pattern, or something. His eyes are still closed when she croaks out, “Eddie?”

He looks at her.

“Eddie!” She says, raising her hands to flutter them over his chest, his face, his un-wounded shoulder. “You’re awake! You’re alive! Thank God,” she says, fervent. Like a prayer.

“Guess I’m just… lucky,” Eddie wheezes out. She smiles at him, eyes watering, and he gave the PG-version of his Silver Star story in her classroom but there’s no hint of recognition in her eyes.

“Either the luckiest man alive, or the unluckiest,” she says. “I’m pretty sure a lucky man wouldn’t be shot at quite so much.” She presses a kiss to his temple and Eddie has the horrible impulse to bat her away from him like she’s an overbearing aunt.

God, he’s an idiot. And it would take getting shot for him to realize it.

“What… happened?” Eddie asks, relieved when she leans back and settles into her chair.

“I’m not sure… I heard there was a sniper on the scene. The police think he might be targeting first responders, because how could this year get any worse?” When she shakes her head, her curls bounce in a way Eddie found appealing, once. It feels like a million years ago.

“Chris?” He asks, heart racing once more. She glances at the monitor and then back to him, offering a reassuring smile that does little to soothe his nerves.

“He’s OK. Buck’s with him.” Those three words calm Eddie instantly, like someone turning off an electric kettle, the worry bubbling up inside him simmering to a still. Because it means Chris is OK, and so is Buck. “I’m really grateful to Buck,” Ana is saying, taking his hand in hers, drawing his attention back to her. “It means I get to be here, with you.” She smiles at him like he’s fragile.

Wrong.

Eddie looks at her and doesn’t know how to tell her. How to tell her that the right thing would be for her to be at Chris’s side. That Chris always came first. Chris was the first and only priority. Chris was Eddie’s heart, raw and exposed, just like Bobby had said.

He looks at her and thinks about Chris’s smile, how he lights up the minute Ana walks in the room. He thinks about Chris confessing to him, quiet and anxious, that he’d asked Santa to find Mommy. He thinks about his parents telling him that the proper thing to do was to marry the girl carrying his child, even if he wasn’t sure he loved her.

Chris has been and will always be the most important thing in Eddie’s life. But Eddie’s starting to realize that even with a Northstar as good and perfect as Chris, Eddie didn’t always make the best choices. For himself, for Chris, or for their family.

“Can you call Buck, for me?” Eddie asks, brushing his thumb over Ana’s delicate knuckles. “If it’s not too late. I want to see my boys.”

She hastily bends down to pick up her purse and fumble her phone out, tell him it was fine, Buck had wanted her to call him as soon as Eddie woke up, anyway. He catches a glimpse of a “5” as she unlocks the phone and opens her contact list.

In the early morning, hospital quiet, Eddie can hear the phone ring on the other end of the line. Once, twice. Click.

“Hello?’ Buck asks, voice scratchy with sleep.

“Let me talk to him,” Eddie says, before Ana can get a word in. She hesitates, opens her mouth, but he holds her gaze until she extends the phone to him. Eddie’s hand is steady when he takes it from her.

“Hey,” Eddie says. Buck’s bleary-eyed, curls smashed to one side of his head, half his face obscured by a dark shape.

“Eddie,” Buck says, a ragged, relieved sound. He shifts, and Eddie hears him say, “Chris, Chris wake up, it’s your dad, Chris, he’s OK!”

And then there’s another face, pressing too close to the camera, so that Eddie mostly sees a nostril and some chin.

“Daddy!” Chris whoops, and Eddie smiles, and Buck pulls Chris back from the phone screen so Eddie can see him.

“Hey there, buddy,” Eddie says, “sorry I scared you.”

“W-wasn’t scared,” Chris insists, blinking rapidly because without his glasses, the world was mostly a multi-colored smudge. “I had Buck.”

Buck—who settles Chris’s glasses over his face with heartbreaking tenderness. Buck—who wraps an arm around Chris and scoots them back against the headboard so they can both see Eddie. Buck—who had clearly been sleeping in Chris’s bed, keeping him safe while Eddie was getting several pints of blood pumped into his body and shrapnel extricated from his shoulder.

“That’s good,” Eddie says. “Really good.”

“We knew you’d be OK,” Buck says. “Right, Superman?”

“Yeah. ‘Cause of your lucky charm.”

Eddie has to close his eyes against that. Chris is still so young, still Disney-innocent and honey-sweet, and Buck knew exactly what to say to calm Chris down. He knew Chris’s favorite bedtime story and the playlist Eddie made for him to help Chris fall asleep.

“That’s right,” Eddie chokes out. “My St. Christopher medal.”

“No.” Eddie blinks at that, at the stubborn line of Chris’s mouth. “Me. And Buck.”

Buck looks just about as surprised as Eddie feels.

“What?” Eddie asks.

“What?” Buck asks.

“What?” Chris asks, confused at their confusion. He addresses Buck. “Daddy said that I was his good l-l-luck charm. Because he loves me. A-and he loves you, so you’re his good luck charm too.”

Eddie isn’t sure if his kid is perceptive or just putting together ideas in the way only kids can. But it doesn’t really matter, because he isn’t wrong.

“Got me there,” Eddie agrees. “I must be pretty lucky, since I’ve got the both of you watching my back.”

Buck’s smiling a pleased, sunshine grin. The room is too dark and the connection is too poor, but Eddie would bet money that Buck’s blushing.

Eddie very deliberately doesn’t look at Ana.

“We’ll come visit as soon as the hospital opens,” Buck promises. “It’s good you called, because we should probably get going.”

To his right, Chris gives a huge yawn.

“You sure? I’m not going anywhere.”

“You think we’re gonna be able to sleep now that you’re awake? No way.”

“No way!’ Chris agrees.

“We’ll be there in fifteen. Twenty. Ten?” Buck looks down at Chris.

“Five!” Chris shouts. “The f-firetruck could make it in five minutes!”

“But we only have Buck’s jeep,” Buck says, pouting at Chris. “Definitely not a firetruck.”

“Fifteen,” Chris amends.

“OK,” Eddie says with a laugh that barely hurts. “I’ll see you soon. Thanks, Buck.”

“For what?” Buck asks, ruffling Chris’s hair with the hand that had been draped over Chris’s shoulders. “Be there soon.”

The call disconnects with the finality of a book snapping shut. He squares his shoulders (as much as he can while lying in an inclined hospital bed with a bullet injury) and turns his head to face Ana.

Her eyes are narrowed and hard, like ice over a troubled stream.

“So,” she says, slow and calm, “Buck?”

“Yeah” Eddie says. It’s all he can say. He can’t tell her how to be what he needs, what Chris needs. He can’t tell her to put Chris first like a reflex, like an instinct.

He doesn’t blame her. He isn’t mad at her. He isn’t even disappointed. He’s as shocked as anyone that he met someone who understood, immediately and profoundly, that Chris was Eddie’s world. Eddie had never counted on someone like Buck. And it was time he stopped running from that and accepted it for the undeserved, unparallelled gift that it was.

“I’m sorry,” he adds.

“Me too.” Ana takes her phone back with a snap of her wrist and drops it in her purse. “I’m going to go home.”

“Yeah,” Eddie says, feeling a little guilty. He knows what it’s like to feel left behind, waking up with nothing but a note and the realization that you could never be good enough.

Ana gets to her feet and smooths the wrinkles of her blouse, and for a moment she reminds him so much of Shannon that he’s dizzy. The straight back, the self-posession, the tumble of curls swept over her shoulder.

He hopes Ana finds a love worthy of her, someone who will treasure her and believe her when she says, “sometimes our limitations let us know who we are.”

Because Eddie looked at the world like a challenge. He threw himself into it like the world might burn up tomorrow, but he would fight to the last breath anyway. He peeled away honorable discharge and may experience lifelong mobility dilemmas and we know what’s best for him and don’t you know how hard it is to be a single father like strips of old paint.

And Buck was the same way. Buck was I had to do it and didn’t you know Jim Abbot played baseball with only one hand and I’m in. You wanted us to bond, Cap. We might end up real close.

Eddie watches Ana leave, her heels clicking sharp against the tiled floor. At the door, she turns her head.

“I am glad you’re OK, Edmundo.”

“Thank you.”

And then she’s gone.

And then Eddie waits, anticipation mounting, for his boys to bring him home.

#once again Chris is the best and most unintentional wingman #buddie #ray writes #911 spoilers #can you tell I've been binging The Locked Tomb series because I nearly slipped into second person like a thousand times #writer can't fucking figure out a voice of her own #don't worry about it #I sure don't #it's all about the idiots to lovers #Buck is just one giant golden retriever #also yes I nearly had an aneurysm at just the idea of Buck snuggling Chris to keep away the nightmares and I HAD to share

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daggerandrose · 3 years ago

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Happy 28th! I’m making this the night before and crossing my fingers that Louis drops something today (a single, a doc, or even a selfie would be a blessing and I would lose my shit). In any case that he doesn’t... have some fics to read!

As always, please leave a kudos/comment on these as I know they fuel writers. Enjoy!

Love, Ever After, 20.7k, by @jacaranda-bloom

One would assume that the charismatic omega in charge of the local matchmaking service would have found a mate and settled down ages ago. His clients, in fact, are always a bit surprised when they come to learn that Louis is still single. But Louis doesn’t mind, not really. His standards are just high; he is happy holding out for his alpha, his soulmate, and chooses to not waste his time with anyone else, despite what his friends might think.

That is, until his best mate from uni drags him out of bed far too early on a Saturday morning after a night of drinking to go to a farmers market, of all places. It’s there that he proceeds to make an utter fool of himself in front of the hottest alpha he has ever laid eyes on. There’s truly no coming back from that, is there?

OR The one where omega Louis makes love matches, alpha Harry makes cheese, and meddling friends might finally make their dreams of finding their soulmate come true.

Like air to the fire I need you to breathe, 4.6k, by CuckooTrooke

"Your nest is very beautiful" Louis says in awe, feeling his chest bubble with love as he watches Harry preen at the compliment.

"You like it?" Harry asks shyly, picking up a lonely sock from the center of his nest and replaces it on the side of his nest. He looks at it thoughtfully until shaking his head at himself, picking up the sock again. Louis watches him at this important task, how the placement of the smallest things in his nest is so important.

"Of course I like it. It's very pretty" Louis praises. Louis was going to do this right. He was going to praise every little effort Harry had made and will still make with his nest, tell him how cozy and well put together it is. And practical, on top of everything. Despite of being situated in Louis’ closet. But it had so many blankets, duvets and pillows that Louis will happily make Harry fall apart in that nest when he goes into heat.

Well. He’ll try.

The thing is, Louis is sort of terrified.

Harry is in preheat and Louis is nervous about his upcoming heat, fearing that he might not be able to fulfill his mate's needs. Lucky for him, Harry knows hot to push the right buttons to get him relaxed.

But If This Ends, 107k, by @absoloutenonsense

Harry’s life as a vampire is routine. He spends his years moving around from place to place, learning as much as he can, and falling in love whenever the universe sees fit. When he tries to move his casual relationship with Louis to something more, it all gets turned on its head. As they navigate confusing thoughts and complex emotions, Harry finds himself torn between the love he feels for Louis and everything he thought he knew.

Counterculture, 6k, by @sadaveniren

It all culminated to this: Harry in the middle of a crowded basement, music blasting from the live show on the far side, shirtless amongst alphas and omegas who all weren’t covering their scents. He took a deep breath of the heavy air and he felt alive.

across city skyline (and straight through my heart), 76.4k, by @halosboat

Louis Tomlinson meets Hollywood Heartthrob, Harry Styles when he walks into Louis' little bakery one day.

Immediately, Louis is charmed by him and Louis thinks Harry might feel the same way, given the fact that Harry has visited the bakery everyday since he'd come to town.

Until one day, Harry walks in with a boyfriend under his arm and a smile on his face.

The one where Louis owns a small bakery that's well known in his town and Harry Styles is an actor who comes to town to film a new movie. Louis is endeared by him, but that doesn’t seem to matter since Harry Styles is already taken.

When The Wolf Comes Out (like a bullet in the dark), 9.8k, by @londonfoginacup

"So Dad was a..." Harry rolls the word around on his tongue, trying it out. "A werewolf?"

"In a sense, you could say that," Anne says. "It's certainly a more correct term than that vampire myth." She looks to Nick. "Grimshaw. Would you please explain exactly what the Madness entails?"

Nick nods. Harry has never been on the receiving end of his business face before, and finds he's more than a little intimidated. “Right, well the first thing you need to know is that, except with freak mutations, the madness only actively infects one individual at a time. Since your grandfather’s death, your father has been dealing with it. Now that he’s gone, it’s presumably moved to you.”

Too Young To Know, 35.4k, by @2tiedships2

Louis blinked awake and quickly wiped the tears from his eyes. This was the second morning in a row he had woken up after dreaming about Harry.

“Babe, what’s wrong?” Eric asked as he held Louis tighter in his arms. Louis liked being the little spoon, except for when he’d rather be holding someone else. Which were the past two days.

Or the one where Harry doesn’t present as an alpha… until he does.

This Ain’t Red Wine, 9k, by LetTheMusicMoveYou

It’s not until he gets a whiff of the contents of his glass that Louis realizes his grave mistake.

That’s not red wine.

It’s blood.

It’s probably not the most rational, but his first thought is what people are going to think when they discover his body. On the list of stupidest ways for a human to die, accidentally turning up to a Vampire party has to be pretty high up there.

(Or the one where Human Louis accidentally finds himself at a Vampire only party which actually turns out to maybe not be the worst thing).

don’t want no other shade of blue, 43.2k, by @louisisworthit

“I know you’re putting on an act,” says Harry after a moment, and Louis scowls when he realises the prince is actually amused.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” says Louis.

“All I’ve heard over the past couple of years are rumours of Prince Louis’ kindness, and generosity, and oh, he’s so handsome I can barely pour his tea without shaking!” says Harry, putting on a silly, high-pitched voice for the last bit. Louis’ scowl deepens. “I would already know if you were just another selfish, bratty omega prince. You can’t fool me, darling, but I admire your efforts.”

“As you said,” Louis grits out, “those are only rumours. I assure you, I’m a terrible person.”

no good unless it’s real, 17k, by @fackinglouis

“Here,” Harry says, pulling a strap off his shoulder so he can dig his phone out of his bag. “We can get each other’s numbers.” Louis shakes his head. “I have the practice’s number already,” he tells him. “And my number is definitely on file somewhere.”

Harry pauses, smile quirking a bit as he stares at Louis. The sun is still in his eyes, though, with his sunglasses pushed up onto his head still, so Louis credits his funny face to that.

“I’m trying to give you my number, Louis,” Harry explains around a breathy laugh.

“Oh,” Louis blinks, processing that. He scratches his temple, moves a piece of longer fringe back behind his ear, and then nods. “Okay.”

Or: Louis is a very busy farmer who’s just trying to make it to his next nap and Harry’s the new hot vet that’s determined to infiltrate every area of his life.

shameless self-promo: take my hand, wreck my plans, 38.1k by me!

Louis meets the man in the center of the room, feeling every eye on him.

“Mr. H,” he whispers.

The man smiles brightly and laughs as if he can’t believe his eyes. “It’s you,” he says breathlessly. “I didn’t think I would see you again.”

“Nor I you, especially under these circumstances.”

“Even so,” Mr H says, his eyes bouncing from Louis’ eyes to his lips. “Will you do me a great honor and join me in leading the first … um…”

“Dance?”

Mr. H laughs and nods. “Yes, that’s the one.”

Louis bites his lips and doesn’t hesitate before whispering, “Yes.”

Mr. H beams and reaches for Louis’ hand. Sparks fly at the touch and a zing of excitement shoots through Louis’ body. His face heats up as he’s afraid his scent would give away his feelings towards the other man.

#mine #fic rec #28th appreciation

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kinnie-moment · 4 years ago

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SoKi hcs because they are criminally underrated idc

These mfs have so much trauma LOL

Kids always paranoid about becoming a kishin like Asura

Also has nightmares about being kidnapped…… that could not have been a fun experience. I’m sure he wakes up practically trembling.

And Soul is of course still torn up over the black blood and the little demon

#bestievibesonly 😍😍

Soul feels. So inferior to Kid. LIKE HES A MF DEATH GOD HE DID SERIOUS DAMAGE ON THE KISHIN and Soul thinks he’s just some guy

But Kid always notices and knows exactly what to say to Soul. He has a very proper and elegant way of speaking, and that translates into compliments

But when it comes to them getting together!! Its a funny story i will pretend its cannon

It was a school dance. Soul found himself on the balcony as usual, but this time it was Kid who came out to greet him and ask if he was okay

He figured Soul would be dancing with Maka since they came to the dance together, but after speaking to Soul for a minute or to he suddenly realized it wasn’t like that

Eventually, he got Soul to spill that he wanted to dance with someone, he just didn’t think they’d say yes

“I think you should ask them, Soul. Surely they’ll accept it if you approach it properly.”

“Okay pretty boy, wanna dance with me?”

Yeah Kid nearly fell backwards of the balcony

So much?? Just happened???? Being asked to dance??? BEING CALLED PRETTY BOY??????????

He suddenly realizes he forgot to respond so he quickly mutters a small “y-yes.” and Soul thinks it's hilarious.

Kid gets flustered very easily but we’ll come back to that later

Anyways they dance and!!!!! Turns out Liz set the whole thing up and basically told soul that kid liked him LMFAOSKB

As for general relationship hcs:

Kid calls Soul the sweet and tender pet names like “love” and “dear”

But also stuff like fruitcake and dumbass. Lovingly, of course

Oh my god they probably call each other the f slur bye

Soul calls him stuff like “pretty boy” and “kiddo” and Kid rolls his eyes and pretends like he hates it

One time Soul called him some dumb shit like “alive the offspring” and got slapped in the face. He doesn't regret it tho because Kid’s small giggle was the sweetest sound he’d ever heard. He’s down bad yall.

Kid gets flustered. So incredibly easily. And it's super obvious bc mf is so PALE

Soul could whisper something slightly outta pocket and Kid is bright red in a second

Its very funny everyone teases him for it <33333

Tfw ur literally a death god but can't handle holding ur bfs hand

However, Soul can get just as flustered. He's only slightly better at hiding it

Kid has definitely shot Soul in the balls before. Just bc he was being obnoxious

“If you damage anything down there it’s a loss on your part, remember that.”

Soul gets an extra shot in the face for that one

Very chill relationship. They really don't need to constantly drown each other in affection, sometimes just sitting in silence together is enough

Just stuff they'd do even if they weren't together, like sneaking out to the basketball court late at night

“If I win I get to move all the furniture off center” “If I win you shut the fuck up”

I know i said they don't have an incredibly over the top relationship, but there is a lot of reassurance needed with these two

Soul has like,,, the insecure jealousy. He knows his bf is like the hottest guy ever. He knows his bf possesses an immense power and a high status. It seems ridiculous that he’d settle for a guy like soul

But he did. And Kid doesn’t regret it, no matter what Soul thinks

God im just jumping around w these but… onto pda and physical affection!

At first, Kid isn’t big on physical affection. He’s never really gotten it before so he’s like ????? what even is that

He discovers how nice it can be one day when he’s beginning to spiral. Instead of trying to talk to Kid, Soul just gently pulled him closer and rubbed small circles into his back until he had calmed down and Kid was like. oh. oh okay.

So needless to say, he’s very big on affection now. When Soul hugs him he doesn't feel like a god anymore. He doesn’t feel the stress of living up to his father. He can just sink into the feeling of security.

Soul loves to give Kid hugs from behind. Just to flex that he’s taller. Even tho its only by 1 inch

He talks mad shit for a mf that's literally 5’3

LMAO ANYWAYS

They both give me the vibes of….. clingy when sleepy. Kid practically clings to Soul when he’s asleep, and if Soul attempts to get up Kid will just whine and pull him back while he’s in this half asleep state

He’ll never admit to it though.

Soul loves to watch Kid fight. He's just so graceful with each move and it's incredibly badass.

Kid loves to wear Soul’s hoodies around the house. Again, he’s only 1 inch shorter but Soul wears looser clothes so it definitely fits a bit big on him

Soul loves when Kid plays with his hair

Kid loves it to, but at the same time he’s so insecure about his hair he usually prefers to forget about it completely

But if he's had a hard day is he really gonna say no when Soul offers to hold him and rub his hair????? No absolutely not

Who the fuck would say no to that

Ugh i love them

Pov homosexuality

Oooo u wanna be my friend and talk to me about them so bad ooooooo kid kinnies wanna give me validation so bad ooo

Also im only doing self promo bc there’s no SoKi content out there but!!! I have tons of SoKi content on my ao3 (kinnie_moment) and i’m slowly uploading them to my wattpad (kinnie_moment_asf) so feel free to check those out if u want more content!! I love these two sm i doubt i’ll stop writing them anytime soon

#first post how are we #soulxkid #kidxsoul #soul eater #soulevans #soul evans #death the kid #deaththekid #dtk #soul eater death the kid #soki #deathsoul #headcanon #soul evans hc #dtk headcannons #death the kid headcannons #souleaterhcs

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peaceoutofthepieces · 4 years ago

Text

chapter 20

Fake Making-It

Social Media AU

previous chapter

~^~

Jens opens the door either a moment too soon or a moment too late. Sander and Lucas are already standing outside, as he’d thought, and are deep in conversation. Jens stands frozen in the doorway and waits for them to notice him. In that time, he takes in Lucas’s frown and Sander’s comforting hand on his shoulder. Lucas had been speaking before Jens opened the door, then he cut himself off abruptly.

Now they’re both staring at him. Silent.

Jens takes in the tension laced through Lucas and the frustration obvious in his face and feels nerves bubble up in him. He thought he had come prepared today, but now he’s doubting himself. He swallows as Lucas meets his eyes, but miraculously manages not to look away. They’re sort of friends, now, right? They’ve come a long way since their first meeting, at least. He doesn’t have to be so anxious. One simple look from Lucas should not tear his stomach to shreds.

It’s a little nerve-wracking, however, when Lucas slips away from Sander’s hand and brushes past Jens without a word.

Jens twists his head to look after him for a moment, then turns back to Sander and tries not to appear too awkward or concerned. “Everything okay?” he carefully asks.

Sander is still looking after Lucas, seeming pained, and then he looks at Jens and blinks. “Yeah, of course,” he smiles. “Sorry, we’re a little late.”

Nothing about this is very convincing. Jens wouldn’t consider himself a people expert, and he’s especially not overly familiar with Sander, but even he can tell that his smile is a little forced and his body strung a little too tight. He doesn’t think they were fighting. It didn’t even really seem like they were arguing.

But there’s definitely a shared tension between them. Jens doesn’t understand why this makes him simultaneously curious and more anxious.

“You’re fine,” he says, stepping back and beckoning Sander in, shutting the door behind him.

They’re using the front room in Jens’s apartment as a studio space. He hadn’t thought much ahead before offering it up, but Sander had barely paid attention when he first showed up and gave Jens no reason to fret. He hadn’t really cared what Sander would think either way.

He may have taken a little extra care this morning. (Or in the last hour, after waking up late and proceeding to rush around like a mad man.) Robbe may have raised his brows at him in teasing surprise when he showed up, and it may have made Jens feel even more silly for being so nervous.

But no matter how friendly their texts seem to have gotten, Lucas is still very intimidating.

Jens has no idea how they’re supposed to interact in person, and it doesn’t help that Lucas already seems to be in a rather dull mood. He isn’t sure why he expects Sander to continue to try to do something about it. Instead the blond lingers back with him as Lucas greets Robbe, smiling now as Robbe offers him a bro-handshake. Jens lets out a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding at the sight, feeling a smile of his own grow as Robbe immediately strikes up a friendly conversation with the other man.

It’s not that he’d been nervous about Robbe, but well, he imagines that it isn’t easy. He doesn’t know how Robbe does it.

Lucas is already shrugging his bag off his shoulder and pulling out his sketchbook and his camera. Jens feels anticipation bubble in the pit of his stomach.

“Hey,” he greets, once they’re close enough, and to his delight, Lucas glances up and offers him something like a smile. “Everything good?”

Robbe nods as Lucas says, “Yep. Or, well, depends. What’s the plan?”

He looks to Jens for direction, and Jens forces himself not to stutter, instead simply turning to Robbe for help.

“Uh, well,” Robbe thinks, glancing between them all before finally settling on Sander. Jens hopes he’s the only one who notices how Robbe’s cheeks flush. “You don’t urgently need to work with Jens today, do you?”

Sander blinks at him, then quickly shakes his head.

“Okay, well I filmed a little bit of your shoot with Jens the other day, and I’ve been thinking I could edit it into like a promo to sort of announce things before we release the actual pics? But I was hoping I could maybe get your opinion on it first.”

“That’s a really cool idea,” Sander says, brightening. The smile on his face appears much more genuine than before. Jens supposes that’s what a passion can do. He hopes it’ll have the same effect on Lucas.

Robbe looks to Lucas and then to him, smiling as well. “That’s if you guys are happy enough to work this out yourselves? I’m sure Lucas knows what he’s doing, and I mean we’ll just be here if you want another opinion on anything.”

Jens raises his brows as Lucas glances at him.

Lucas offers Robbe a nod and a smile. “Sounds good.”

Jens notes that he doesn’t speak to or even glance at Sander as Robbe guides him to the small table in the corner while Jens and Lucas remain at the island. Jens hesitantly takes a seat, then gestures for Lucas to do the same, trying to remind himself to be both chill and professional. He’s usually able to manage it at meetings. Maybe it’s being in his home that makes it feel a little more personal.

“Hi,” he repeats, watching Lucas’s concentrated frown as he skims through his sketchbook.

Lucas looks up at him and seems, again, vaguely amused. “Hi.” He skims his gaze over Jens, tilting his head curiously. “Are you always this nervous?”

No, Jens thinks. Just with you.

“Sometimes,” he says.

Lucas huffs, smiling now as he looks back down. “Don’t be. I’m the one preparing to be criticised this time.”

“You were very intimidating last time we spoke.”

“Because I told you to watch it?” Lucas raises a brow at him.

Jens blanks, then remembers their text conversation from yesterday and flushes. “No, I mean, the last time we actually spoke. At the first meeting.”

“Ah.” Lucas nods. “In person. That usually makes me less intimidating.”

“Why?” Jens’s brow furrows.

Lucas raises his brows again and gestures at himself. Jens takes him in. His curls are as artfully styled as ever, falling over his forehead in messy waves, and below that his eyes are a stunning blue. He’s wearing another loose shirt, this time black with a light floral pattern. Jens can see the collar of a tee poking out underneath. Along with that, Lucas is wearing skin-tight jeans and shiny black boots along with his usual assortment of jewelry, rings adorning his fingers and silver bracelet glinting from his wrist. Jens wonders if any of them are gifts from Sander.

“I don’t get it,” Jens says. He means it. Lucas is beautiful. He looks like the true model here. It’s part of what intimidates Jens so much.

Lucas wiggles his fingers at him, showing off dark purple nails, then flexes a skinny arm. “Very intimidating, I imagine.”

Jens frowns. “You don’t need to be brawny to be intimidating. Honestly, I think I’m probably more intimidated by pretty people. Especially when they’re confident.”

Lucas stares at him for a minute, and Jens must imagine the flush on his cheeks, because then he snorts and rolls his eyes. “Yeah, okay, you basically just described yourself.”

Jens grins in surprise, but before he can say anything else, Lucas is spinning his sketchbook around and shoving it towards him, then digging back into his bag. Jens drags his gaze away and down to the paper in front of him. It’s littered in designs, different emblems and patterns interlocking across the double page. There are a few combinations of his initials, which he supposes also work well with a self-titled album. As much as Jens felt creative with words in the songwriting process, naming the songs and especially the album had been a frustratingly difficult task, so much so that he’d eventually just settled on JENS.

Robbe has been very skeptical, but Jens’s label seemed to think it was a good choice, and that was good enough for him. It wasn’t about the names or the titles, anyway.

Lucas seems to have also recognised this, and there are some heavy references to the actual music in some of the sketches. Lucas has sprinkled waves and rain and other forms of water throughout some of the designs, or focused on them entirely. Along with that are cages and chains, locks and keys, and beautiful wings.

Jens instantly falls in love with all of them, and then turns the page only to find more. He lets out a long breath. “How much time did this take you?”

He looks up in time to see Lucas shrug. He’s now staring down at an iPad. “Not that long. I might’ve stayed up a little longer than I should have, though.” He shrugs again, and now Jens believes the flush crawling up his neck has to be real. “The album gave me a lot of ideas.”

Jens nods. He hovers his fingers over some of the sketches, leaning down to admire them in closer detail.

Lucas makes a small sound of triumph, and then slides the iPad on top of the sketchbook. “I did a few out then on some rough clothing sketches, just to get an idea what they’d look like brought to life and put together. This doesn’t take that long, so if there’s any ideas you’d like me to group or something we could spend a while messing around with that. Or as long as you tell me, I can do it when I go home.”

“Everything is amazing.” Jens shakes his head, awed. He blows out another breath and laughs slightly as he looks up at Lucas. “I don’t know how you expect me to choose anything. None of these should be left out. Fuck, this one’s amazing.” He taps his finger on a sketch of drooped wings encased in a golden birdcage. He takes the iPad and lets Lucas draw the sketchbook back towards himself to examine, humming quietly in agreement.

He knew Lucas was talented. He’d gone after him for that exact reason. But seeing how quickly he’s managed to create all of this, how easily he’d brought the images in Jens’s words to life—he’s in awe. As well as that, he’s managed to implement the designs onto hoodies and t-shirts and sweatpants and hats and everything in between. Excitement floods through Jens at the prospect of getting to wear one himself, never mind seeing such items on anyone else. He smiles secretly to himself as he imagines Lucas donning a sweatshirt with his initials embroidered on the chest.

He doubts Lucas would ever sacrifice his beloved reputation to such an extent, or like Jens that much in the first place, but he’s allowed to dream.

“Yeah, I’m never going to be able to choose. I’m so sorry for making this more difficult but you’re just—this is just too good.” Jens shakes his head, still scrolling through the different images, and Lucas huffs.

“I didn’t expect you to be such a suck-up,” Lucas teases.

Jens looks up at him, exaggeratedly rolling his eyes. Then he lets his expression turn earnest and shrugs. “I’m telling the truth, like I hope you did with me.” He’d been relieved, and pleased, when Lucas had given such a kind review of his album yesterday. It was almost hard to believe. He’d instantly gone and listened to the third and last songs again, the ones Lucas had said were his favourite, and had a smile on his face for the rest of the day.

Lucas’s smile slips now, and some of Jens’s nerves come back. Lucas clears his throat and snaps his sketchbook closed, setting it aside so he can pull his camera towards him. “We can ask Robbe for his opinion, later? It might help. Even if you’re just able to rule things out together.”

Jens suddenly remembers his best friend only a few feet away, and Lucas’s boyfriend with him, and quickly glances over his shoulder. He’s been doing well, every other day, at keeping an eye on them. He knows how easily Robbe could get hurt or upset, no matter how much he protests that he’s getting over his crush perfectly fine. Jens knows it’s far from the truth, both because he knows the full capacity of Robbe’s feelings and because it must be ten times harder to get over someone you see every day. He knows Robbe avoids contacting Sander now outside of work as much as he can. He knows it isn’t easy, and he’s been doing his best to provide a comforting buffer.

Now, though, he turns around just in time for Robbe to start giggling as Sander talks animatedly. Robbe is staring at his laptop screen instead of Sander, and his cheeks are flushed, but he’s smiling wide. Not upset, not yet, but quite possibly digging himself into a hole. Sander, at least, appears oblivious, happy and excited as he makes a dozen hand gestures and leans farther across the table to get a better look.

“Yeah, we’ll do that when they’re done,” he agrees, shooting a smile back at Lucas.

Lucas is watching Robbe and Sander, too, the furrow back between his brows. Jens remembers the sour mood that he’d arrived in, the tension between him and Sander, and resists asking if everything is okay. He’s told Robbe enough times, when he was mourning over Sander, that it’s none of their business. He shouldn’t be the one to butt in now.

He gently hands Lucas’s iPad back to him instead, then raises his brows. “Meanwhile, do you want a snack? Or something to drink?”

Lucas smiles at him. “Oh, he remembers to be a good host.”

Jens pulls a face at him. His heart flutters when Lucas actually laughs in response. “Five seconds and I retract my offer,” he threatens.

“Water would be nice, maybe,” Lucas acquiesces instantly. “And if you have any chocolate, I won’t say no.”

“Huh, sweet tooth. Noted.” Jens winks at him, pushing to his feet and glancing back at the other two co-workers. “Sander, can I get you anything?”

Sander quickly looks at him and shakes his head, and his eyes slide on over to Lucas and he tries for a smile. Lucas either truly misses it or pretends not to notice.

Jens bites down his questions once more. “Robbe?” He waits for his friend to shake his head and then goes to fetch water and chocolate for Lucas. A few minutes later, when Lucas has eaten half of the biscuits on the plate Jens had left out and is taking a sip of his water, Jens decides on a safer line of interrogation. “So, how many times did you actually end up listening to the album?”

Lucas rolls his eyes. “Those two times. And then the first few songs again because Sander joined me and he’d missed those.” Lucas pauses, blinking at Jens with wide eyes. “I hope that’s okay.”

Jens waves him off. “Yeah, obviously. I don’t expect you to keep anything from Sander, especially when you share a room.” He raises a brow. Lucas doesn’t react. “Besides, you both signed the contracts. Sander’s in our trust, too.”

“Okay,” Lucas nods, smiling slightly again. Jens’s chest warms. “That’s good, then.”

Jens smiles back at him, and they sit in silence for a moment, considering each other. Jens realises Lucas’s attention isn’t making him as anxious anymore. Their texting relationship seems to have actually carried over into real life, and he’s relieved.

Lucas takes another sip of his water and then grabs his camera again. “How do you feel about doing a practice shoot? I might even be able to mess around and edit some of the designs onto you then. Plus it’ll be a lot easier when the time comes if I’m already familiar with you and your angles and the lighting and everything.” Lucas waves a hand.

Jens bites down his smile and nods in acceptance. “Okay, sure. Just tell me where you want me.”

It turns out his nerves aren’t entirely gone. It’s different, when he’s sitting on a stool and Lucas is focusing entirely on how he looks. It’s different when there’s a camera pointed at him and Lucas is the one behind it. He doesn’t want to mess up. He doesn’t want to frustrate Lucas, and he doesn’t want to look like an idiot.

It turns out this makes the whole process more difficult.

“Are you always this tense?” Lucas asks, vaguely concerned, and Jens’s shoulders tense further. Lucas sighs. “Don’t act so much like you’re posing. Just, do whatever feels comfortable.”

Jens wriggles on the stool. He draws a leg up. Puts it back down again. He leans forward to rest his arms on his knees and almost falls off the stool, which is too high for that position to work. He leans back and crosses his ankles, tucking his hands in his pockets.

Lucas snaps a photo, then considers it with a frown. He examines Jens again. “Maybe spread your legs?” He suggests.

Jens instantly raises his brows and smirks slightly, just to see Lucas rolls his eyes and set an unimpressed hand on his hip. Jens relents and spreads his legs, planting his feet and letting his hands dangle between his knees.

Lucas takes another photo and stares at it for a moment. Then he says, “How about we go outside?”

Jens blinks at him. “Why?”

“Because if you’re just walking around, not posing, I might get something more natural. I can tell you’re not feeling this.”

Lucas isn’t exactly wrong. The only thing Jens is feeling right now is sick. He’s twitchy and his stomach keeps rolling and Lucas’s gaze is too intense. He can’t sit still. Maybe it will help if he doesn’t have to.

“You’re the expert,” he says. “I can go wherever you want me.”

Lucas shakes his head. “No. Wherever you want. Somewhere you’re a little more in your element.”

Jens thinks, then nods. “Okay.”

“Okay.” Lucas grins, letting his camera settle around his neck. He moves back to the island and collects the coat he’d abandoned there, the same denim jacket with the fluffy collar he’d worn the first time they’d met. He slides his arms into the sleeves and turns to the other two men in the flat, clicking his fingers once to get their attention. “We’re going out to take some photos. Do you two wanna come with?”

Jens doesn’t know if he wants them to. The possibility of being alone with Lucas is terrifying and thrilling all at once. He decides this thought in itself is enough to make up his mind. He shoots a panicked, pleading look at Robbe, but Robbe is already looking at Lucas and nodding his head. He doesn’t seem to notice Sander’s frown.

“Yeah, sure,” Robbe agrees, and Jens lets out a breath of relief. He supposes his friend likely doesn’t want to be left here alone with Sander, either. “Where are we going?”

“Wherever Jens wants.” Lucas fiddles with his camera for a moment. “He needs to chill.”

Robbe raises his brows as Sander blinks. There’s a hint of a laugh in Robbe’s tone. “Jens needs to chill?”

“He’s always been chill with me,” Sander agrees, confused.

Lucas looks up to blink at them, then at Jens, amused. “Do I scare you that much?”

Jens flushes and pointedly ignores Robbe’s giggle. “No. I’m just, stressed. We’re releasing the first music video and announcing the album in two weeks and I’m very aware of all the things that could go wrong and how shitty I’ll probably feel.”

That shuts them up fairly quickly. Sander simply offers a sympathetic smile and Lucas’s expression softens as he seems to search for something to say. It’s Robbe, however, who raises to his feet and grabs Jens by the shoulders, squeezing reassuringly. “You won’t. It’ll be amazing, and we’re going to spend the entire day celebrating. Right now, Lucas is right. We should go out and have fun.”

“You definitely need it,” Lucas agrees, tilting his head towards the door, brows raised.

“Come on.” Robbe slaps his shoulder. “Skate park? It’s been a long time.”

Jens sucks in a breath, then slowly lets it out as he nods. They spend a moment collecting coats, keys, and boards, and then Jens ushers them all out and locks the door behind them. Robbe leads the way outside and down the sidewalk, and Jens half hopes Lucas will instantly rope him into conversation and start giving orders. Instead Sander slips an arm over Lucas’s shoulders and speaks to him quietly, and after a moment Lucas is nodding and leaning into his side.

Jens looks away and catches Robbe’s gaze, then falls into step alongside his best friend, bumping his shoulder. “Okay?” he asks quietly.

Robbe gives him a tight smile and a nod and Jens ruffles his hair.

The skatepark is relatively empty, but the people who are there continuously sneak glances at the group, whispering and grinning between themselves. Jens sees a guy pointing his phone at them. This isn’t entirely unusual, but it doesn’t help him destress.

“Just ignore them,” Robbe reminds him. “But be aware I’m gonna post a few stories because people are starting to ask if you’ve died.”

Jens rolls his eyes, but he does his best to listen. He looks to Lucas first, who merely waves his hand in a ‘go ahead’ gesture. He realises soon that it does help. It’s been a while since he’s skated, but it still loosens him up like it used to, still gets his blood rushing and allows him a few moments of freedom. He flips off Robbe’s phone and winks at Lucas’s camera and doesn’t really allow himself to think about either, or the way Sander is watching over Lucas’s shoulder and occasionally directing him, both of them smiling and bickering now.

He finally rejoins them and plops himself down on top of the half pipe, where Lucas immediately comes to kick at his thigh. “Weird question, but can I have a go?”

Jens blinks up at him, noticing how he’s rocking on his heels with barely constrained energy, and raises his brows. “Skating?”

“Yeah?” Lucas raises his eyebrows back. “Is that a no?”

“Uh, no, go for it. I mean, if you can.”

Lucas huffs, carefully setting his camera and his jacket on the ground next to Jens before picking up his board. He plants it at the top of the ramp, a foot balancing it on the edge, and cocks an eyebrow at Jens again before he’s racing down the ramp with a wave.

Jens stares after him, astonished, as he navigates the park on Jens’s board with ease. He barely notices Robbe and Sander sitting down with him until Sander wolf-whistles and Lucas flips him off as he passes. Jens feels something thrum in his stomach as he watches Lucas and can’t quite figure out what it is.

When Lucas finally comes to a stop below them, flicking his hair off his forehead, Jens gives an exaggerated clap. Lucas simply grins up at him, eyes considering as he holds the board up for Jens to take, then requests, “Pass me my camera?”

Jens does so without question, and Lucas’s lips curl as he looks up at him and then snaps a photo. “I just have to capture the utter shock and awe on your face right now.”

Jens sets a hand on his thigh and stares down at him, unimpressed, but his brow furrows slightly as the camera goes off again.

Lucas takes it away from his face and examines the image he’d taken, pursing his lips slightly. “Not bad. Who knew you could actually be sort of photogenic.”

Jens pulls a face at him as he grins and draws himself up next to Sander, who immediately leans in to look at the photos he’s taken. Lucas doesn’t hesitate to lean towards him, this time, and then he’s laughing at whatever Sander says, turning towards him with a dazzling smile Jens hasn’t seen yet. Their faces are so close they could kiss.

Robbe seems to have the same thought and looks away, showing Jens his hurt expression for an instant before focusing steadily out at the skatepark, his pinched lips the only visible sign of jealousy.

Jens has to look away, too, and finds himself mimicking the expression. It’s only then that he recognises the heavy feeling in his own stomach as the same emotion. He doesn’t know how he didn’t notice it before. Jealousy has never been foreign to him.

He darts another glance at Lucas, in shock and slowly expanding terror, and notes how his heart flutters and then pinches as he throws his head back and laughs and Sander reaches out and fixes his hair for him.

Oh, fuck.

~^~

tag list: @allthewayornowayy @wedarkacademia @lockerfivethreefive @yellowballoon @gucciboner @nora-keinwitz @moonskam @painfully-oblivious @zoenneforever @akucecilia @hischbabe @evaksobbe @alittleemo @boring-side-effect @franboos

next chapter

#wtfock #skam nl #sobbe #robbe x sander #van der stoffels #vds #fake making-it

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argumentl · 3 years ago

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The Freedom of Expression, radio version - Ep 44, August 2016 - Announcement of another live special, Pokemon Go, Palm reading/Palmistry.

Kaoru starts by saying that the details of the next 'special live broadcast' have finally been decided. On August 9th at 1am, they will do a two hour broadcast. (Only one this time, unlike in December when they did two). The title of the show will be, 'The Freedom of Expression Special - The best of the first half of 2016. Back stories from the other side of the world'. 'The other side of the world' referring to Dobashi in Brazil. All of the Tokyo Sports team will appear on it, including Kami. He has never missed a days' work but he should be on his summer vacation so it'll be ok. They will talk about some of the best stories of the year so far, and Kaoru invites the listeners to send in any of thier favourite news stories too. He had intended to play some more new jingle entries on today's show, but says he will play them during the live special instead, and finish the campaign there for now. He says he will be much more generous with handing out stickers this time, as he has only handed out about 5 since he first made them.

Next Kaoru mentions that Utafumi has been released at long last, about 3 days ago. Before the release date he was only able to play the promotional edit version, but now that the release date has passed, he is finally able to play the full version, so he goes ahead and plays it.

Next, Tasai joins them for the Tokyo Sports corner. Tasai isn't sure whether they should allow Hiranabe on the upcoming live broadcast. The theme of his fist topic is the game Pokemon Go, which was experiencing a world wide boom at the time. Tasai and Joe ask Kaoru whether he plays Pokemon Go. Kaoru says he does play it, but is not mad about it. He's caught about 100 pokemon so far. Joe does not play, and asks Kaoru what exactly it is that you do in Pokemon Go. Kaoru laughs and replies that he doesn't even know. Tasai then explains the concept of the game to Joe. He then goes on to say that despite its world popularity and massive gain for Nintendo, it has brought with it some problems. For example, there was a case in Miyagi prefecture where two Chinese people trespassed onto private land playing it, and there have been various cases nationwide of pokemon appearing inside nuclear power plants. Joe says misuse of the game cannot be ruled out. For example, it could be used to boost crowds at demos if many people gathered to collect pokemon. If you knew how to use it skillfully you might be able to manipulate peoples' movements. Kaoru realises the political implications of this if you could secretly get a lot of people to gather in a specific place, at a specific time. Tasai also adds that China and Russia are both worried about the app, because they fear the images caught on the app might reveal military secrets if they are shared overseas. He also doesn't like the way salarymen in Japan hold thier phones up at odd angles in the street while playing this game. Its a bit scary. He doesn't want to end up getting caught in thier images. Kaoru mentions a collab bewteen Pokemon Go and First of the North Star, and Tasai says it would be pretty bad if a Kenshiro appeared outside your house and a crowd gathered to catch it. He thinks we need to be careful with this type of thing. Joe suggests the idea of 'Hiranabe Go', but realises that no-one is likely to download it.

Kaoru plays his next record, which is Cyndi Lauper's 'Time After Time'. He played this record because it reminds him of an anime he used to watch as a kid. The anime Midoriyama kōkō/緑山高校 had this song as the ending theme for its summer vacation broadcasts, which were aired in Kansai every day from Mon-Fri during the school summer vacation. Kaoru loved watching it. Joe has no idea what this is, so Kaoru explains its a baseball themed anime. He admits that he recently introduced it on his blog, so this is actually a bit of self promo for his blog.

Tasai's next topic is about the comedian Shimada Shūhei, who also happens to be a palm reader. At a recent event, Shimada had been asked by reporters about the kinds of palms he's read up to now. He answered that when he read the palm of the comedian Ijiri Okada, who is known for playing an erotic/pervy character (エロキャラ), he discovered that he had no 'erotic line/エロ線'(Girdle of Venus in English). In truth, playing this character is strictly work for Ijiri, he takes it very seriously as business. Shimada also had some interesting info about the life line (生命線) and Joe asks all the listeners to take a look at thier own life lines while Tasai explains. Apparently, if you have an extra line on the inside of your life line, you have extra strong vitality. Looking at his own hand, Kaoru says he does have an extra line. Joe does not. This is apparently quite a rare feature, and Shimada has only seen two celebrities who have it. One is TV star Kuroyanagi Tetsuko, the other is rakugo performer Utamaru Katsura. Both are pretty old, but still alive during this shows broadcast (Tasai hopes, with nervous laughter). Tasai then makes the others guess one more public person who has extra life lines. Joe guesses Hiranabe. He may have the vitality of a cockroach, but no, its not Hiranabe, says Tasai. After a few clues they get the answer of female wrestler Yoshida Saori. Yoshida actually has three extra life lines, making four in total.

Joe asks Kaoru if he's ever had his palm read. Kaoru says he has. He was told that his fate was to become wealthy. Back when he first moved to Tokyo 20 odd years ago, he went to visit a shrine for New Years prayer with a few people from the offce, including his boss (*Dynamite Tommy?*) and there was a palm reading stall at the shrine. So they decided to give it a go. The palm reader said straight away, 'Ah, you will be wealthy'. Kaoru says he is not wealthy...laughs from the others.

To finish, Kaoru repeats the news that a summer live special will be held on August 9th, he is a little nervous about broadcasting live again. He asks listeners to send in news or jingles for the live broadcast, then plugs his tour, and new single.

Songs - Dir en grey/Utafumi (Full version), Cyndi Lauper/Time after time, Dir en grey/Taiyō no ao.

#dir en grey #the freedom of expression #radio

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tsrookie · 4 years ago

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Alright, so today’s the three-year anniversary of Reputation a.k.a the greatest album of all time, my baby, the light of my life, the album that deserved a Grammy (trying desperately not to think about the scene from Miss Americana😭), the album that introduced us to the most beautiful couple ever, the album that shut Kimye up, and I better stop now, or else I’m not gonna shut up.

So in honour of this momentous occasion (and the fact that I reached 200+ followers! Thank you so much you guys!🥺 Love you all 3000💙), here’s a loooooong post on why Reputation is the Ethan and MC album.

1. ...Ready For It?

No one has to know

Throwback to MC saying the exact same words back in Miami.

In the middle of the night, in my dreams

You should see the things we do, baby, mmm

In the middle of the night, in my dreams

I know I'm gonna be with you

So I take my time

Remember back when MC asked for Ethan to get into bed right away during their first time? Ethan told them that he had dreamt about the moment for months, so he wasn’t going to rush it.

2. End Game

Big reputation, big reputation

Ooh you and me would be a big conversation

These two dating would be the talk of the hospital, and they know it.

Even when we'd argue, we don't do it for long

And you understand the good and bad, end up in the song

For all your beautiful traits, and the way you do it with ease

For all my flaws, paranoia, and insecurities

Think these lines are pretty self-explanatory😌

I hit you like bang

We tried to forget it, but we just couldn't

*gets war flashbacks of the ‘reset’ phase*😭 They tried to make it work, but we all know how Ch 8 of book 2 went😌

I swear I don't love the drama, it loves me

Perfect for our chaotic MC😌

3. Don’t Blame Me

Do I... really have to explain this one?

For you, I would cross the line

I would waste my time

I would lose my mind

They say she's gone too far this time

Do we need a recap of our rule-breaking MC?

And baby, for you, I would fall from grace

Just to touch your face

If you walk away

I'd beg you on my knees to stay

He was willing to risk his (mostly) rule-abiding reputation for being with MC. And there’s no way he wouldn’t beg for MC not to leave him if he ever screwed up🤷‍♀️

4. Delicate

This ain't for the best

My reputation's never been worse, so

You must like me for me

Ethan stood by MC’s side throughout the Ethics hearing, when her reputation was completely smeared, and people only saw her as a patient murderer. He didn’t know about the sabotages, but he would’ve definitely supported her if he had known.

We can't make

Any promises now, can we, babe?

Commitment-phobia🙃

Sometimes I wonder when you sleep

Are you ever dreaming of me?

Sometimes when I look into your eyes

I pretend you're mine, all the damn time

They spent so much of time apart, not able to be with each other, so the least they could do was dream of being with each other all the time.

5. So It Goes (an underrated af bop)

What can I say... it’s a sex song, okay? Don’t make me go into the details😂 Just listen to the lyrics, and all will be clear.

6. Gorgeous (Tumblr won’t let me put any more links)

MC’s eternal anthem to Ethan.

Whisky on ice, Sunset and Vine

You've ruined my life, by not being mine

We all know Ethan loves Whiskey, and the second line? C’mon!

You're so gorgeous

I can't say anything to your face

'Cause look at your face

And I'm so furious

At you for making me feel this way

But, what can I say?

You're gorgeous

Ethan Ramsey is famous for two reasons. One: his smart brain, I guess😒 Two: HIS LOOKS!!! HE’S GORGEOUS, AND DON’T DENY IT.

And you should think about the consequence

Of you touching my hand in the darkened room (dark room, dark room)

Ah, the olden days of hand holding in the diagnostics office🥺

Ocean blue eyes looking in mine

I feel like I might sink and drown and die

No explanation required.

You make me so happy, it turns back to sad, yeah

There's nothing I hate more than what I can't have

You are so gorgeous it makes me so mad

The wonderful will-they-won’t-they saga. The frustrating hot-and-cold behaviour. The ‘We can’t’, ‘It’s unethical’ and ‘It’s complicated’. MC deserves an award for her patience😓

7. King Of My Heart

I'm perfectly fine, I live on my own

I made up on my mind, I'm better off bein' alone

Ethan ‘I don’t believe in soulmates and nobody’s waiting at home’ Ramsey.

And all at once, you are the one I have been waiting for

King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa

And all at once, you are all I want, I'll never let you go

King of my heart, body and soul, ooh whoa

This could be from both Ethan and MC’s perspectives. The love they share isn’t something that you get easily. It’s something that MC has waited for her whole life, and something Ethan never knew he needed, but now can’t live without🥺

Late in the night, the city's asleep

Your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep

Change my priorities

The taste of your lips is my idea of luxury

This was definitely Ethan throughout book 2, after he finally gave in. He let go of his previous rules and regulations, especially during the time of the attack. He was clearly affected, and once MC was alright, his main priority was her, and her alone.

Is the end of all the endings?

My broken bones are mending

With all these nights we're spending

Ethan’s been burnt a lot in the past. But all those wounds are now healing thanks to MC.

Up on the roof with a school girl crush

Drinking beer out of plastic cups

They act like lovesick teenagers around each other, like, that’s literally their description if you choose to kiss Ethan for the first time in Chapter 14 of book 2!😅

Say you fancy me, not fancy stuff

Baby, all at once, this is enough

We all know about his initial fear of his mother reaching out to him for the sake of his money. To him, MC not talking advantage of him is a pretty big deal, even though it’s never mentioned. You just know, you know?🥺

8. Dancing With Our Hands Tied

My, my love had been frozen

Deep blue, but you painted me golden

Again, Ethan doesn’t have the best experience with love. But MC changed that.

I'm a mess, but I'm the mess that you wanted

This could go both ways, cause they’re both piping hot messes😬 (but love each other anyway🥺)

The rest of this song could have made so much more sense for them if we had gotten some sort of a secret relationship storyline. But oh well, I’m definitely not complaining about the gala😌 (and definitely not believing any of the supposed cancelled storylines)

9. Dress

Our secret moments

In a crowded room

They got no idea

About me and you

I mean... pretty obvious😌

Even in my worst times, you could see the best of me

And I woke up just in time

Now I wake up by your side

My one and only, my lifeline

This is practically Ethan’s train of thought, and you can’t convince me otherwise.

As for the rest of the steamier lyrics... I’ll um... let you guys listen to it yourselves😁

10. Call It What You Want

I wrote an entire fic inspired by this song, so excuse me for the shameless self-promo, but go give it a read?🥺👉👈(totally fine if you don’t! I’ve probably made so many posts about this song that y’all know the meaning anyway😅)

11. New Years Day

Don't read the last page

But I stay when you're lost and I'm scared and you're turning away

I want your midnights

But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day

MC has always stayed by Ethan’s side, even when he’s pushed her away. These lines perfectly explain how she wants his worst times, and his best, the midnights they spend staying up together, and the moments where it’s just the two of them, when everyone else has left, like the aftermath of a New Years party (still mad at the fact that we didn’t get to see the gang celebrate New Year together😭)

I'll be there if you're the toast of the town babe

Or if you strike out and you're crawling home

The above explanation for these lines as well.

Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere

Becoming strangers to each other would be their worst nightmares. Knowing that the other was out there in the world somewhere, but not being in their lives would kill them.

You and me forevermore

These two are each other’s soulmate, they know it, even if they haven’t said it yet. Forever wouldn’t be enough for them to shower each other with they love they hold for each other. But it’s a good start.

——————————

If you guys made it this far, then I honestly love you more than words can ever express🥺💙 Thanks for putting up with my Swiftie-Directioner-Ethan stan ass, cause I dunno if I’d ever be able to handle someone like myself. And if you read all the above stuff, then I hope you wanna know why this album means so much to me.

Reputation is perceived as a dark album, when in reality it’s truly about finding love amongst all the noise. This album, and Taylor and Joe’s story, taught me what true love actually is, and Ethan and MC cemented that. This album and these two couples (quite literally) saved my life.

The most beautiful part about both these relationships is that even though they never showed it openly, for the sake of their relationships, both Ethan(in the story) and Joe stood by the side of the one’s they loved, despite half of the people who they knew hating on them, or betraying them. And I think that’s what’s truly important. Forming a true relationship like that, be it platonic or romantic, is long lasting, and I hope everyone finds those kind of people to fill their hearts with. Sending much love, and sorry for being a huge sap😅💙

Tagging a couple of my Swiftie homies: @swiftlydarcy @nikki-2406 @dxnicaramsey @kaavyaethanramsey @caseyvalentineramsey @drariellevalentine @justanotherrookie

#open heart #open heart second year #dr ethan ramsey x mc #ethan jonah ramsey #ethan ramsey x mc #ethan x mc #mercy goes nuts #happy three years of Reputation🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤🤍🖤#ethan ramsey

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dothwrites · 5 years ago

Text

drowning

because i have many thoughts over the latest promo and @screamatthescreen said that i wouldn’t do it---i DID IT

this one’s extra angsty kids. here there be hints of mcd

---

He makes it back to the bunker.

The portal is just a slender thread of rippling gold by the time that he stumbles through. Dean lunges through it and falls onto his knees, hard. The floor is unforgiving and pain ripples through his body.

He barely feels it.

Once he lands he barely has a chance to breathe before his stomach roils. Hot, sour acid fills his throat and he scrambles towards the toilet, retching all the while. Vomit bubbles out of his mouth the moment that his head crosses the threshold of the toilet and Dean lets it come. His stomach clenches as his system works in reverse and Dean purges it all out. Maybe, if he tries hard enough, he can purge out the memories, the sensations...

After a short eternity, his stomach has nothing more to give. Dean rests his forehead against the cool porcelain and shivers so hard that his teeth clack together. He can’t...He didn’t...

The stench of Purgatory still clings to him, all damp moss and decaying wood. Purgatory smells rotten, like something dead for too long and it’s still in Dean’s nose. He tries to rub away the bitter taste of bile from his mouth but the smell hits him again, just in time for Dean’s stomach to lurch. He leans over the toilet again, but nothing comes out as his stomach twists against itself.

Purgatory was...The world’s turned upside down and twisted in on itself and Purgatory isn’t what he remembered. In the years that he was gone, Purgatory turned meaner. Its teeth gained razor edges, serrated and barbed, as it focused its claws and fangs on the two of them. This time there was no Benny to help them and in the subsequent storm...

He still remembers how easily his finger squeezed the trigger, how simple it had been to shoot--There were monsters everywhere, crazed beyond self-preservation, crazed into a frenzy. No matter how many he shot, no matter how many Cas stabbed, they kept coming and they kept coming and they kept coming...

It was pure, Dean had said once, and it was true again. Caught in the desperate battle for survival, he’d become nothing more than a machine. Take the gun, point, and squeeze. Point and squeeze. Point and squeeze. Until it was nothing more than muscle memory.

In the mad craze, with blood spattering his face and gore caked onto his clothes, he had...He’d turned into nothing more than a monster himself, focused on the kill, focused on the pain, the bloodlust thrumming through his veins, the thought of destroy destroy destroy repeated endlessly in his head--Point and squeeze. Point and squeeze. And it had been enough, until suddenly, it was too much.

Until suddenly it was Cas’ body in his sights and Dean...

Point and squeeze.

And it should have been fine, it should have been fine, except it wasn’t, except this time when he was shot, Cas staggered backward, hand clutching at his chest. Except this time, instead of moving forward as relentless as time, Cas fell. Except instead of a mere hole left behind in Cas’ coat, now there was...There was...

You’re going to be fine, you’re going to be fine, you hear me you son of a bitch, you’re going to be fine, Dean said, the red faded from his vision. The only red now was the vivid crimson of Cas’ blood spreading across the white of his shirt. What the fuck Cas, you’re going to be fine, can’t you heal yourself, Cas, Cas, heal yourself Cas, Cas baby you need to get it together, come on Cas, come on, don’t leave me here alone, come on sweetheart, Cas, please--

The whorls of his palms and his fingernails are still stained a rusty red. The sight makes his empty stomach clench but he’s wasted enough time already.

He needs to get back to Purgatory. He needs...

He just left Cas there. He needs to get him back.

Failure tastes just as bitter as bile. Cas would never leave him behind. How many times has Cas put himself on the line, how many times has Cas thrown himself into the fire, just so Dean and Sam wouldn’t have to?

Cas would never leave him behind.

The bunker is still empty when Dean stumbles out into the library. He has no idea where Sam and Eileen have wandered off to, but it might be better that they’re not there. He’s about to do a very, very stupid thing and those things usually go off better when Sam isn’t in the picture.

He eases his shaking body into one of the chairs. It’s been forever since he’s done this but his body remembers how its done. Slowly, he laces his fingers together and presses his knuckles into his forehead.

He’ll pray later to Michael and ask him for one more favor, make whatever deal he needs to make in order to get another portal. He’ll dig up whatever Rowena needs for a spell, he’ll cut and threaten his way into Purgatory if he has to, but he can’t...He can’t leave Cas behind. Not again. Not now.

Right now, however, there’s another prayer that he needs to make.

It’s too little, too late, especially now, with Cas’ blood still ground into his hands, with the memory of Cas’ chest stilling underneath him. Too little, too late, but he needs to say it, needs to put this weight off his chest and put the words out into the universe.

“Cas?” he murmurs. He clenches his fingers so tightly that the webbing between them hurts, that his knuckles hurt. “Cas, I don’t know if you can hear me or not. I don’t...” His voice catches in his throat and he forces the next words out through a rapidly closing airway. “I don’t know how we’re ever going to be able to get you back. But...”

Regret crashes into him, strong and unrelenting as a tsunami. All the times that he yelled at Cas, the times that he snapped at him, standing in an abandoned house and spitting out You’re dead to me, watching as Cas walked away, all the thousands of times that he could have said I’m sorry, eleven years when he could have told Cas I need you, I can’t do this without you, please don’t leave me--

“I can’t do this without you. I can’t...I need you. I want you. And I’ve tried and I can’t stop. So wherever you are, whatever it takes...I’m going to get you. I’m coming for you.” He swallows down the lump that rises every time he gets too close to the truth, every time he brushes too close to the always open wound that Cas causes in him. “I need you with me Cas. And I’m not going to stop until I find you and get you back.”

There’s more that he wants to say. Three words crowd at the back of his teeth, but Dean closes his jaw on them. He’s waited this long to say those words. He can wait a little bit longer. Cas deserves to hear those words from his lips and not delivered via an angelic dropbox. He wants to watch how Cas’ face changes when he says those words. He wants to whisper them into Cas’ skin, watch how they shape themselves against the angel. He wants to say them every day, wants to open and close his days with those words.

And he’s going to.

He’s going to get Cas back, so he can show Cas, for the rest of his life, how much he’s wanted and needed.

Dean turns around, ready to start, only to stumble backwards. His startled yelp echoes through the bunker and he’s viscerally glad that Sam isn’t here to hear him.

Scythe in hand, Billie stands nonchalantly at around the same place that he takes his breakfast every day. “Howdy,” she says, blinking slowly at him. Pinned by her gaze, helpless as a butterfly on a corkboard, Dean freezes. Billie flexes her fingers on the handle of the scythe as she looks around, calm as if she’s sizing the place up for a new living room set. “Forgot what a nice place you had.”

“Yeah.” Dean swallows down the acrid taste of adrenaline. “It’s all right I guess. Haven’t found it popular with the ladies lately.”

The joke comes as a reflex, a knee-jerk reaction to finding the unfamiliar and terrifying in his living space. From the look Billie turns on him, Dean can guess that she didn’t appreciate the jest.

“Is that what you care about? Being popular with the ladies?” There’s something coy in Billie’s voice that’s extra disturbing when he considers that she’s possibly the most powerful creature in the universe. Before Dean can answer that question, she throws him another curve ball; one that he’s so unprepared to catch, it slams into his chest with the force of a meteor.

“Couldn’t help but overhear your prayer. If you’re going to pray like that, then you might want to try doing it to someone who’s alive to hear you.”

Though Dean remains in one piece, he shatters. He’s gone, dispersed, and nothing on this earth could ever hope to gather the remains.

Nothing that is, except for what Billie says next.

“You mean it? You’re willing to do anything, make any deal in order to get your angel back?”

There’s a trap here. Dean’s familiar enough with the life now to see it, not that Billie’s trying to hide it. But he’s also desperate enough not to care.

Such a good thing that Sam’s not here right now.

“I meant it,” Dean says, through a suddenly dry throat. “Whatever it takes.” He lifts his chin and plants his feet. “I need him back.”

“Well, lucky for you, I find myself in the same situation. Much as it pains me to say, there are bigger things afoot here, and pride doesn’t hold a place anymore.” Billie fixes him with a gaze as sharp as an angel blade. “So what do you say Winchester?” Her thumb strokes over the white ring predominantly placed on her finger. “You ready?”

I’m coming for you Cas. I’m coming.

Dean bares his teeth in a feral grin. His hand finds the ever-present Colt tucked into his waistband and the angel blade pressed against his thigh. “Say when.”

Billie snaps her fingers.

---

tags! message/ask/reply to be added or removed~~

@screamatthescreen @queenvee08 @dizzypinwheel @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @stay-inside-the-salt-ring @deansbff @spaceshipkat @rogerslouis @mishtho

#destiel #destiel fanfic #destiel fic #supernatural #spn15 #15.09 #15x09 #spn spoilers #speculation fic #castiel #dean winchester #billie #basically i said hey what if this happened #and then was told NO #and then said well #imma write it

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saltpepperbeard · 4 years ago

Text

A Jotato’s THG Story (novel?)

So a few days ago, the lovely @everlarkedalways asked me to Weave My THG Tale™. And, in being VERY on brand in regards for my THG Story, I’m late to the party lol! Mostly because of work, partly because I was avoiding Ballad spoilers, and a tad bit because...I’m a potato. BUT, now that I am free of any large projects and finally have Ballad in my hands, I’m finally able to look past my potato roots and talk about how a certain wATER POTATO ARCHER CHANGED MY LIFE lmao.

Ara has jokes though, let me tell you. “Keep it short” l m a o; THIS IS ABOUT TO BE A NOVEL AND WE KNOW IT. ARE YOU READING BALLAD? HERE’S A NEW 500 PAGE BOOK FOR YOU TBH-

I’ve told this story a few times before, but it’s always delightful to look back on things and see all the twists and turns I’ve experienced with this franchise. The most notable being, I started out HATING Hunger Games lol!

I was in ninth grade when THG started to become like, a global phenomenon. Everyone was reading it, everyone was talking about it, and it was everywhere. And for whatever reason, instead of actually sitting down and, idk, GIVING IT A TRY LMAO, my reaction instead was to DESPISE IT. Guess it was that edgy, irate, “I’m ABOVE the general masses ha look at me,” fresh-out-of-middle-school mentality. And also, my justification for hating it so much was along the lines of, “Wow it’s just a series about kids killing each other? WHAT’S THE APPEAL???”

Which like fjlksjdksds...If I could look back on my early 2012 self?

She had no idea what was in store for her lmao.

Anyway, the premiere of the movie came and went, and I was still hard set in my ways. THAT WAS, until that same summer. I can’t exactly remember which clips I stumbled upon first? But I know I came across the Joshifer+Liz Banks interview, and also a ton of Perfectly Legal Movie Clips™ on YouTube. Both of which silently chained my soul without me realizing LMAO. I remember thinking that the main actors were so cute and played off each other well (AGAIN LMAO, GIRL, BIG STORM COMING), and also remember being totally intrigued by all the clips I watched. It was mainly clips of Katniss in the arena, and I think it made me realize that wow hey, there’s an ACTUAL STORY HERE, WITH A FEMALE PROTAGONIST NO LESS.

The story gets a tad fuzzy for me here, but I do believe I got the books and quickly read through them shortly after I essentially watched the entire movie on YouTube through clips jdksljdks. I can’t really recall what I thought about the books really? Because, I think I BREEZED through them. I was so excited that I just ZOOMED TF THROUGH. I inhaled the series in one GIANT GULP. I think I even read THG in a single day jdlsjklaads. It definitely wasn’t a cautious read through to get a better sense of the detail and literary devices.

BUT, despite my excitement, I still hadn’t reached the God Tier “OBSESSIVE” stage yet. The light bulb hadn’t fully come on yet. It wasn’t until late 2013 when Catching Fire came out that I REALLY STARTED TO GO BALLISTIC LMAO. Actually, one of my fondest THG memories comes from this time, because I think it was really like, the OFFICIAL starting block for my obsession.

I was riding on a bus to a Theatre Competition, and my best friend had just gotten the CF Soundtrack for us to listen to. I remember being absolutely enamored with it- Mirrors, We Remain, and Lean in particular. And idk, something at that point just kind of told me that Catching Fire was going to be my anchor. Sure enough, after the competition was over, said friend and I went to go see the movie together.

And I astral projected lmao. I ACHIEVED HUNGER GAMES ENLIGHTENMENT. THE LIGHT BULB SWITCHED TF ON.

I was quick to see it again the following day, and I think saw it another two times in theaters after that. I also started drawing fanart of it, and looking for more pictures/interviews. And the want for more content, the DESIRE to go crazy about it, is what eventually lead me to finding the fandom here on Tumblr. I had had a Tumblr since 2012, but never really used it with a purpose. But when I realized there were people posting all sorts of stuff about THG? Boom- another light bulb. I followed tons of people, and officially changed my url to what it is today. “Star’s” for my internet alias at the time, and “Mahogany” for my love of Effie/that Iconic Line.

HOWEVER LOL, Tumblr would lead me towards a different side, something I didn’t expect to get pulled into so hard at all. Because, I distinctly remember coming on one night in December of 2013, and seeing @joshmopolitan and a few others posting about Josh going to the UK game. And that of course, lead me down the Celebrity Rabbit Hole, and lead me towards the Chaotic, Wonderful, Crazy-

JOSHIFER FANDOM.

((Also, before you crinkle your nose, *raises cane* BACK IN MY DAY, EVERYONE SHIPPED JOSHIFER LOL. *Snow voice* DON’T LIE. Like, everyone thought they were cute to some sort of degree, or believed they were going to get together. Shoutout to the Joshifer Golden Days, man.))

And thank goodness for it tbh. Because it was JUST when I was itching to write fanfiction with everyone else, and just when I was struggling HARDCORE with writing Everlark. @joshmopolitan and @youarebeingridiculous were sort of my introductions into RPF, with @youarebeingridiculous giving me nudges towards my first Everlark fic, before also nudging me towards my first Joshifer fic. And when my first Joshifer fic garnered attention/when I had a blast writing it? ANOTHER. LIGHT. BULB LOL.

So I was dead af from that point on. I was absolutely drawn in. Even though I was still invested in THG, Joshifer was definitely my main focus from 2014-2016ish. I was there for the typical ship wars, there to read and write all the fanfiction, there to read all the theories, and there to partake in all the crazy moments. Shoutout to Cannes 2014 in particular lmao; I was in the car and my phone started going off like CRAZY, with many of my friends SCREAMING at me about the events/articles that had transpired.

Being attached to Joshifer also allowed me to write my first, and so far only, full length, These Words are a Lie. It started out as just a four part series, two parts of which I actually published. Befffooorrre getting to the third part and realizing I had WAY too much to deal with/explain/write, which consequently lead to me pulling them down and expanding upon them! And thus my messy, lovely, 25 chapter peanut journey started lmao. Though I look back on it now and realize how disjointed it was, I’m so thankful I was able to see that story completely through. I’m also very thankful for the SUPPORT and following it got. Wouldn’t have gotten through without y’all!

ANYWAY LMAO, because this is my THG story and not my Joshifer story, let’s get back to that. 2014 was WHACK because...LG was utterly tripping with its promotional material. And to think, it was just the START of odd/lacking promo, seeing as they were SOMEHOW WORSE WITH MJ2 LMAO. But even though I was incredibly salty at the time, it was so fun to be mad and chomping at the bit with everyone else lol. The SUFFERING OF NOT HAVING ANY NEW CONTENT BROUGHT US CLOSER TOGETHER. Also, going to Best Buy to watch the teaser trailer under Heavy Guard??? Was an EXPERIENCE LOL??? But man was I so stoked to get my poster and pin, because that was some of the first merch I got!

ALSO, MJ1 was the time where I got the idea to create a small YouTube series called “Tributes React.” I really really wish I could have been in the fandom earlier, because it would have been, dare I say, FIRE LOL to react to more than just the MJ1 and MJ2 trailers. But it was so so fun regardless, and everyone’s participation was incredible! And now all of our early, embarrassing, INTENSE fangirling is stuck here/memorialized forever PFFFF.

And, not to mention, Fran Solo himself watched one of them. Someone tweeted the video at him, and he tweeted back that it made all the hard times worth it. MY GREATEST FANDOM ACCOMPLISHMENT RIGHT THERE???

And finally getting to watch MJ1 in theaters lmao omg. I went with my friend before, and also one of my guy friends. And the entire time, he was HARD STARING AT ME WAITING FOR ME TO CRY LOL. SO HE COULD TEASE ME. AND HE GOT HIS WISH BECAUSE OF COURSE THE LAST 30 MINUTES OR SO UTTERLY RUINED ME. I remember shivering so so SO bad when the rescue mission for Peeta started, and having to hold my friends’ hands when they were creeping through the Tribute Center, and utterly SOBBING when Peeta attacked Katniss. Because...hello...I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again...WAY WAY MORE INTENSE THAN THE BOOK LMAO??

And then came the beginning of the end. I remember that promo time was even DRYER for MJ2 lmao, and that we were all DYING. Like, I think the big trailer didn’t release until like, SEPTEMBER??? WHICH...LG WHAT THE ACTUAL-

And we were also back to watching trailers in Best Buys jfkssdkdlsk. My Best Buy was also DUMB and didn’t have any posters, but @infinitegraces was awesome enough to send me numerous copies! Bless you, thank you; I had them on my wall all through college lol! DESPITE THEM BEING A HAUNTING REMINDER OF HOW HARD LG SMACKED US LMAO.

Despite my salt towards the INITIAL promo though, the premieres and what not definitely lead to MJ2 having a special place in my heart. I had just gone off to college, and was a timid, lonely little freshman with nowhere to turn. But the fandom was there for me, and MJ2 promos/premieres gave me something to be excited for. It all kept me going through that ROUGH first semester, and was there for me before I met my best friends. So thank you MJ2, and thank you all for sharing that excitement with me! <3

Also, I’d like to mention that I was SO desperate to continue the tradition of seeing the premiere with my friend thaaaaatttt...I left for Thanksgiving break two or three days early/skipped class JUST to make it back home in time to see it with her lol! I WASN’T HERE TO PLAY GAMES, Y’ALL. THG > ACADEMICS APPARENTLY PFFFF.

After that though, things kind of quieted down. I found friends and activities in college, the movies were done, and Joshifer was dying out. It lead me to use Tumblr sporadically, not posting AS much as I had before. I still had tons of love for everything, and still enjoyed coming on whenever I did!

Then I sort of stumbled upon our “renaissance,” like the lovely @everlarkedalways posting re-reads and re-watches. It tugged me in again, and made me excited to post content! I also branched out and began to write Everlark, and began talking about them/the books/meta more than I did in my earlier years.

And of course, said renaissance lead me to attending TOASTCON LMAO. Which I somehow managed to name. On accident. *Dabs unironically*

That of course, was such an amazing experience. Going to movie filming sites has always been on my bucket list, so getting to go to HUNGER GAMES SITES??? WITH FANDOM PEOPLE???? GOD TIER??????

I was also suffering from major panic/anxiety problems that summer, having just graduated college and being thrown out in the Real World™. So once again, THG and its fandom were there for me when nothing else could be. And despite me feeling off mentally, despite me feeling plagued by fatigue, I still thoroughly enjoyed meeting everyone/having such a once in a lifetime experience. Also, getting to FLEX on my friends when we watch the movies and go like “I WAS THERE! I WAS THERE!! I WAS THERE!!!” is...A Time PFFFF.

Then of course, I started working a full time job, and shifted a bit away from Tumblr/the fandom. Not DELIBERATELY; more like, I was too Mentally Tired to really do much after work. But now that Ballad is here, and now that we have new content once more? I feel like I’m waking back up. Hell, I even went to Atlanta to see MORE film sites right before the virus started to make its rounds.

And so here I am lol! A SEASONED THG VET WITH SEVEN YEARS AND COUNTING UNDER MY BELT. I would very much love to tag everyone who had an impact on me, and/or who I’ve interacted with and shared fun times with over the years. But A. Everyone really out here CONSTANTLY CHANGING THEIR URL’s, and B. The number would be Too Great and I would inevitably forget someone on accident.

SO THEN, if you’re reading this, and we’ve ever shared some kind of THG experience together, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. THG has been such a wondrous experience for me, and it’s lead me to meet all sorts of amazing, talented individuals. It’s also been there for me during darker times, and has supported me in every way possible.

I love you all, I love being here, and HERE’S TO MANY MORE TAGS/RAMBLES IN THE FUTURE LOL! Like lmao, a new movie, you guys??? WHAT??? TRIBUTES REACT ANYONE???

-Jotato Out <3

#Jodi rambles #Like #REALLY //REALLY// RAMBLES LOL #thg #THG Story #holy shit i'm so tired katniss #i've been writing for an HOUR LOL #I'M SO OUT OF PRACTICE WHEN IT COMES TO WRITING SPRINTS MAN #MY 2014 SELF IS TELLING ME TO STOP COMPLAINING BECAUSE SHE WOULD WRITE FOR EIGHT HOURS STRAIGHT GJSKLDJSK #I'M RUSTY LOL #RUSTY I TELL YOU #also this is probably littered with typos #what with my Clumsy Thumbsies #but here we are lmao #There's also even MORE stuff I have mention tbh #LIKE I NEARLY FORGOT TRIBUTES REACT LMAO SO I MEAN #WHAT OTHER MEMORIES DID I MISS #WHO CAN SAY #2014-2016 WAS UTTERLY CHALKED FULL

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snowbellewells · 5 years ago

Text

Self Promo Sunday: “Heart in Hand, I Know Your Worth”

In the aftermath of that doozy of a two hour midseason finale back in season four, I had all kinds of ideas rolling around in my head for all the other ways that Killian’s heart being taken could have played out, along with how Emma fighting to get his heart back could have gotten more time. I still don't own these two characters, or anything related to the show, but if i did we probably would have seen a powerful True Love's Kiss all the way back here. {Canon divergence in the midst of 4x11}

Also on AO3 or ff.net

"Heart in Hand, I Know Your Worth"

by: @snowbellewells

This cannot be real, cannot be happening again. Another man she loves – yes, loves – falling to the cold, hard floor of the Sheriff's station, clutching his chest, mouth gaping in a struggle for breath, eyes already going half-glassy from their usually crisp, brilliant blue.

"Killian!" Emma chokes, falling to his side and reaching for him, forcing herself not to scream. His body stretches out before her limply, looking too much like Graham's had nearly three years ago, too much like the horrifying death pose seared into her mind's eye, no matter how much time has passed. She wants to ask what is wrong, but is petrified that she doesn't need to; she knows exactly what is happening to her pirate. There had been nothing she could do when she was in this position before, and this is so much worse, so much more desperately necessary.

As she reaches out to shake Killian, gripping his shoulders with frantic hands, begging him to stay with her, stay awake, her eyes fall on the shoelace wrapped around her wrist – her reminder of the gentle, kind man who had died in her arms in this same station – and tears well over her eyelids, spilling down her cheeks to fall on Killian's paling face. Those lovely, kissable lips that have always been so soft and tenderly coaxing on hers are open, panting, as he struggles to form her name, his one good hand clasping hers to pull her closer where she can hear his desperately whispered words. "Em-Emma…Love, I'm sorry…I k-know I promised…you d-didn't have to w-worry…I m-may not be as g-good at…surviving…as I p-promised. The Crocodile…has m-made sure of it…this time…"

Emma can feel her brow furrowing, leaning nearer and clutching at the material of his black vest, as if to lug him up off the floor and back into the fight for life. "Hey," she whispers hoarsely near his ear, wanting to shake him as she sees his eyes fluttering closed despite his best efforts. "Killian, hey, stay with me."

His stunning eyes labor to open again, trying to focus on her, though it is obviously an uphill battle. His breath is rattling harshly, bringing sympathetic pain to Emma's throat as he continues to fight for air. Her hand presses warmly to his chest, wishing she could hold the missing heart in place, even though she is too late.

Tears are pouring, slip-sliding down her cheeks, and Emma knows the pain clenching in her gut is only going to get worse if she cannot stop this. She knows Killian has done the best he can to be with her, to become a better man for her, but all she can think is, 'You promised! You promised you'd stay if I let you in. I can't lose you too!'

She finds herself fisting her hand and pounding it against his chest repeatedly, despite her worry for him; she has to let out the hurt and fear. Her forehead falls to rest against the warm, furred skin of his chest, his ridiculously still-open shirt, allowing the blessing of his living comfort a bit longer. It is going to be taken away, he is going to leave her, and all because some power-hungry imp wants her magic as well and to settle an old grudge. All Killian has done to change. All he has given up to protect her is illustrated in his dying form sprawled before her. He has sacrificed the very heart in his chest just to warn her, in hopes of seeing her still alive and unharmed.

"Why didn't you tell me, Killian? Let me try to help you? We could have figured this out together." She whispers the words tearfully against his neck, into his skin. She wants answers, knows she will debate and wonder and wish from now on – why he didn't feel he could come to her, why she had taken so long to trust him, why she hadn't let him know how much she truly felt for him, that she had done something, anything, different to avoid him suffering this fate. Beyond that though, she wants to hear him, savor his voice, the cozy, affectionate burr of it as it thaws her long-cold heart.

Killian manages to draw yet one more ragged, shaky breath to respond. "How…could I…Love? What would…you have…thought of me…if I had?" He clumsily manages to snag her wrist and pull that hand to lie along his cheek, turning his face into her touch. "Besides…though I do not…wish to…leave you…I will gladly go…before I see…that monster…take you from me."

His eyes drift closed again, his struggle for breath eases, and Emma feels his body relax against hers. Praying he isn't gone already, a strangled scream finally escapes her when he doesn't respond to her further touches. "Killian, no! Please!"

"I'm afraid you're wasting your breath, Dearie," a taunting voice chortles evilly behind her. A chill runs down Emma's spine before anger floods her, rushing into every space where she could feel fear. Her head whips around to glare over her shoulder at Gold, every fiber of her burning to blast the smug, victoriously gloating smile off his face.

Letting that emotion swell, Emma gathers her feet under her, shifting to stand and face Killian's Crocodile. As if he senses the risk she is about to take, the way she is letting her fury overrule her caution, her pirate tries to pull her back, though too weakened to truly hold her. "Don't, Swan! I'm not worth your crossing him!"

Emma shakes her head angrily, wanting to argue with him that he is more than worth it, but she doesn't want him expending any more of his desperately needed breath. Instead, she pulls her hand from his slackening grip and completes her stand to face Gold. Literally vibrating, rage sparks and begins to tingle under her skin and through her veins. "I am not letting you do this," she grits out between clenched teeth, eyes narrowed and tone practically a growl.

"Please do try to stop me, Miss Swan," the pawnbroker, who is more and more Dark One all the time, challenges, the thin veneer of polite civility no longer masking the hatred beneath the surface. He stands before them, hands resting atop the head of his ornate cane, feet planted, stance wide. "I do intend to put an end to this wretched pirate's life once and for all, as I should have done ages ago, and then I shall have your powers before I go."

Emma doesn't answer, but focuses instead on the advice, the incantation that Regina had given her to combat their now-common enemy. She had needed him present before she could attempt her counterattack, and now that he is, she can't afford mistakes. Closing her eyes, and quickly raising her hands up and outward towards the spinner, Emma tries to whisper the correct words, while concentrating on Killian, his love for her and how she cannot do without him, how much she needs him, and what she hopes to accomplish, all before Rumplestiltskin reacts and stops her.

The air around them whooshes with magic, as a raw burst of power seems to roll out from between she and Gold, then fades again. There is an eerie silence for mere moments, before Emma feels a separate, living pulse in her hand. She opens her eyes with almost breathless hope, and there within her careful grasp is Killian's beating heart, glowing brightly red.

Her glare flicks back to the Crocodile, even as she casts a protection spell over Killian's heart, much like the one Regina protected Henry's with after getting it back from Pan. Once she returns it to his chest, they will not suffer this again, not while she draws breath.

Gold lets out a bloodcurdling giggle, which sounds frighteningly mad rather than the least bit humored. It is as though her strike against him was an invitation to a deadly game. He throws his hands forward in what Emma is sure will be a horrific curse. Before it can reach them, she has created a shield and thrown it up in front of them. She sees a ripple in the translucent barrier before her eyes, but her spell holds, keeping whatever the Dark One has attempted to strike them with at bay.

"All to save that miserable cur's hide!" Gold howls with rage. "You will regret this!" He waves his hand wildly, and then vanishes in a puff of smoke.

Once sure that he is gone, Emma falls to her knees at Killian's side again, letting the shield fall and focusing all her energy and attention on this reckless, infuriating, incredible man, having to believe he still has a chance. She runs her hand back through the dark shock of hair that has fallen across his brow, stroking trembling fingers over his forehead and cheeks, then down to his neck, hoping for a pulse. The exertion flagging from expending so much magic, the fear and anxiety, and now the frantic need to bring Killian back around, are taking their toll, but she cannot falter now.

Holding Killian's heart gingerly in her palm, barely using any pressure with her fingers, Emma moves it to hover above the area of his chest where it belongs. Killian barely stirs, and Emma knows there isn't time to waste. There has already been too much torture �� squeezing, manhandling, whatever else Gold has done to it – but uncertainty makes her hesitate. Could she finish him off if she gets this wrong?

Breathily, the barest words escape his lips, soft and low, but enough to give her the push she needs. His chest barely rises and falls, but Killian manages to force the words out, "You…can do this…Emma. I…trust you…"

She nods, setting her resolve, and then without any further lingering, plunges her hand and his beating heart into his chest cavity. Praying it will be enough, Emma releases the organ and withdraws her hand, willing things to return to the way they were before it was taken. Sitting back on her haunches, Emma watches his face tensely for some sign.

Endless, stretching minutes seem to drag on before Killian suddenly lunges forward, drawing in huge gulps of air, eyes frantically wide. She quickly reaches around him, hand supporting at his back though she can feel herself trembling with relief and emotion. She wants to ask a dozen things at once, but Emma bits them all back, trying to first let him regain his bearings.

When Killian finally blinks and looks to her with recognition once more in his haunting gaze, Emma swallows a sob and can't help leaning forward, half wrapping him up and cradling him in her arms and half falling into his. Soon, she is letting her eyes fall closed, a sigh escaping her lips as her adrenaline drains and the curve of Killian's hook rubs soothingly up and down her back, his voice warm in her ear. "There now, Love. I'm still here…thanks to you. Bloody brilliant you are, Swan."

Sniffling, Emma nods into his shoulder, burrowing closer to his warmth, craving the contact. "You can't do that to me, Killian," she chokes out. "If you think I don't need you, that I'll be fine whether you're here or not, you're wrong. You are worth it. You mean more to me than anyone outside of Henry." She leans back only slightly to look into his eyes and be sure that he sees how seriously she means her words.

Her pirate captain appears to have no ready response to her admission, but the volumes in his eyes show how overcome he is as she watches him swallow hard, mastering his own churning emotion. "You must know you mean everything to me as well, Emma. We might have to agree to disagree on my worth." He wets his lips, gaze tentative under his dark brows as he studies her face. "You retrieved my heart. You defeated the bloody Crocodile! …But you took quite the risk, Love. A risk I would not have had you take merely for my benefit. Are you alright?"

A laugh escapes her that is tear-soaked and a bit hysterical, but real, and she clasps his hand firmly. "I am now, Captain," she avows. "Let's keep that heart of yours in your chest from now on, and things should be just fine."

His roughly calloused fingers rise to delicately brush a flyaway strand of golden hair from her cheek and tuck it behind her ear, and then he lets his hand linger to frame her face with his palm. "What a beautiful avenging angel you make, Swan. I would never have thought a princess would be fighting to save me." Leaning forward, Killian pauses only when his nose brushes hers, warm puffs of his breath heating her skin. "Truly, Lass…You are a marvel."

Emma shakes her head, flushing and embarrassed at the effusive praise. "Enough of your pretty words, Sailor," she mutters, even if good naturedly. Standing, she never breaks her connection to him at their entwined hands, but instead pulls him rather shakily to his feet. "Come on, let's not hang around here like sitting ducks. Gold isn't finished, just regrouping. And I want Regina to have a look at you; make sure things are okay with your heart now."

Killian dips his head in acquiescence, his gaze not leaving hers, as though searching to see if she has recovered, despite his being the one who was in danger. "As you wish," he murmurs, moving to the coat rack and holding her red leather jacket out for her as she slips her arms into the sleeves.

She smiles at him over her shoulder, the tears still shimmering on her lashes, but a pride and happiness beginning to sparkle in her green eyes. They cross the room before Emma turns out the lights and locks the station for the night. Moving towards her little yellow car, Emma suddenly pulls him up short, holding him with her stare. "I should have told you this much sooner," she whispers, her voice suspiciously raspy, "but I love you, Killian Jones. Whatever happens from here on, no matter what either of us do…I love you. And don't you forget it."

Wrapping her arms around his neck, Emma drags Killian's face down to kiss him urgently; swallowing his 'I love you too'. She already knows. Has seen it in all he has given up for her, has felt it in every hopeful, guiding, sheltering touch, and has heard it in every endearment and 'as you wish'. His hand and hook come up around her back to hold her, and he sighs into her kiss in contentment.

When they do part, Emma sees the peace and fulfillment on his face as she pulls him along rather than relinquishing her hold of his hand; her heart swells at not letting go.

Tagging: @searchingwardrobes @whimsicallyenchantedrose @kmomof4 @laschatzi @lfh1226-linda @hollyethecurious @teamhook @revanmeetra87 @jennjenn615 @therooksshiningknight @winterbaby89 @stahlop @thislassishooked @winterbaby89 @tiganasummertree @optomisticgirl @shireness-says @thisonesatellite @darkcolinodonorgasm @profdanglaisstuff

#self promo sunday #cs ff #cs oneshot #canon divergence from 4x11

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thesunalsocollapses · 5 years ago

Text

10-04-19 — 3:33 a.m.

Armie,

I hope you don’t mind me addressing a few pages of my journal to you. Maybe I’ll even rip these pages off and leave them for you — like on your pillow or something.

I missed you tonight. For real. I know I already said it, and I’m sorry I’ve been a little harsh on you when you said you couldn’t make it. But you can’t imagine how many times I thought of us walking that red carpet together. Getting out of the car we would have shared for a quick ride, but it would have been ours anyway. Armie and Timmy’s car is here for old times sake. Being us in front of their million eyes watching, expecting, wondering. I thought and dreamed about all of it so accurately I feel like I’ve been robbed of my own memories. Not the ones that could have happened and never did, but the ones that did and somehow were stolen from me. I know they exist somewhere but the tip of my tongue is empty of their taste and I can only see their ghosts. The only thing I can do now is hold onto our old memories, the one I put aside and only allow myself to look at every once in a while, to be able to enjoy the moments I have to do the same with others, others who aren’t you, and also because I’m too afraid to let them out. I don’t want to see their colors fade. I don’t want to wake up one day and realize I can’t feel your comforting warmth by my side, your voice whispering nonsense in my ear only to make me laugh, the soft touch of your hand on my waist… Have I already mentioned that I missed you? Because I did. I do, every day actually.

You know my outfit tonight was for you? I think Virgil joked about it somewhere, saying I was the easiest person to dress or something. That’s because I texted him only one time about what I wanted for tonight, right after we agreed on you being my plus one. I wrote : « Can you make me something shiny for London? » and he asked : « that’s all? » and I replied « yes » and that was it. I wanted to shine for you, Armie. Because you asked me to.

You probably don’t remember, but you did. At the Oscars.

Or maybe you do remember because that gif has been everywhere.

I’ve learned three things that night. Well — maybe more than three, but three I've been carrying every day with me ever since.

First, you are the dearest friend that I could make in this industry and probably ever will.

After the year of promo, after all the times you had presented me for awards, after not being even a nominee for that best supporting award you rightfully deserved, you were still happy for me. You were once again taking a step back, hiding in the shadows to let me shine under the dazzling light. I already knew back then co-stars rarely become close friends in real life. Never in those circumstances. And yet you were still there. Still by my side, still supporting me, still asking me to take the praise for you when no one realized I was only able to shine because you were there. Thanks to your light blinding my darkness away.

I may be the only one who truly knows this, because I’m the only one who knows everything that happened with you and to you behind cameras, but I know you deserved to be on that list just as much as I did. Probably even more.

And you stayed after. Even if you were sick and dying on your feet from exhaustion, you stayed. I was on the edge of collapsing again and you were the only reason I didn’t. Keeping me whole. Picking up the crumbling pieces, and the ones I was trying to throw away, showing me how to love them again. How to love me again.

That night I also knew I had screwed up. I didn’t know exactly how, I didn’t know when, but it had to be me. It had to, right? I mean, how many times had we joked about the insane amount of stars that were aligned for this movie? Everything was fucking perfect. And yet I didn’t win. I was holding all the cards — like every fucking single one of them and I didn’t win. That night, I wasted the opportunity of a life time. Something that happens once and then never again.

Who am I to dare expect another chance? To hope for it and say yeah I wasted the first one so give me another. And one more after that because I’m presumptuous enough to think I’m so talented I deserve everyfuckingthing. When, in reality, I’m just that poor guy who has peaked at 20 and stumbled on the second step on the podium. After that, there were only shams, resemblances that don’t feel as right, a parade of almosts that don’t feel as good. I felt like I was doomed. Some days, it still feels like I am. Because that night, I became an Oscar nominee forever. And I knew I’d never be more than that. It didn’t stop me from keep trying, like during Beautiful Boy. I hadn’t got a nomination yet and I was already willing to starve myself to death, to put my life in danger to get myself there. Can you imagine what I could do now that all my previous attempts have failed? That scares me. I’m fucking scared because I don’t know if I can trust myself to know how to stop scratching that hitch, to stop hunting that unreachable desire that is nothing but a bottomless pit.

The third thing… I actually learned about the third thing recently, with my therapist. Talking about what has been happening in my life for the past months, we realized we kept circling back to the Oscars night. What would have been different if I had won? That’s the question I’ve been asking myself more and more often lately. And I think the answer is a fucking lot.

The more people were telling me it was all about politics and I shouldn’t think to much about winning or the fact that I didn’t, the less I could keep myself from thinking that if it’s political, I can’t win their game unless I play the fucking game. Being on the inside isn’t enough to take the whole system down. What if I lose everything? I can lose acting, Armie. You know I can’t. You know it's the one thing I can’t lose. Acting, and you. I need to be on top of their stupid pyramid so they can’t get rid of me anymore. I need to be irreplaceable. I’m just not sure how to do that anymore.

God I’m rambling way too much. Sorry. The high of the premiere is still running. I can feel it. It’s pulsing into the quiet of my room and the sound is both addicting and frightening. You still aren’t here to calm my nerves so I’m doing whatever I can on my own. Which is writing non-sense and self-centred reflections like the egocentric actor I am now, apparently.

I guess what I’m trying to say it’s… it’s all for you. That night, you asked me to shine and I failed. Every day since then I’ve been trying to honor what you wanted for me. To live up to the person you see when you’re looking at me. And I wanted you to see that tonight. How things have changed since the last time we did that together. I wanted you to see all the people, to feel their screams make the hair on the back on your neck stand up and their applause give you chills when they’re the ones standing on their two feet, clapping through all the credits and behind.

I wanted you to see that I made it, that I’m shining brighter than everyone else.

— 7:18 p.m.

I learned what they did. Did you know?? Of course you knew. Why didn’t you tell me? I hate them so much. I’m gonna… I don’t know what, but I’m doing to do something. I hate them. I hate everything so much.

I’m sorry, Timmy. I… suspected it was going to happen. Or something like that anyway. I didn’t think it was worth telling you because I didn’t want you to be mad at them, even if that meant you were going to be mad at me. I know you don’t hate them. It was easier this way. I thought it was.

…you didn’t have to do that for me, you know? But I look forward for it.

I missed you too.

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parischangedher · 5 years ago

Text

This.

FF/Ao3. Season 17 promo spoilers. Integrates some ideas from posts about the reunion and how everyone will react. Hope you enjoy!

“Tony,” McGee said after his old partner answered the phone.

“Hey Tim,” Tony replied, distracted by his daughter’s voice in the background. “Hold on a sec--No, not now Tali. Go get ready and let me talk to Uncle Tim.”

Tali’s voice faded as she obeyed her father’s instructions. “Sorry. Can I call you back? We’re already late for school and I’m still packing her lunch.”

“No, Tony, it can’t wait.” McGee said, taking a deep breath. “She’s alive, Tony.”

Tony sighed. “Tim, I told you a million times that I don’t need to hear about these cases anymore. That part of my life is over. And, I really do need to get going. Speaking of Tali, though--don’t let me forget to tell you what she did to this kid bothering her last week. You’d be so proud. She could even be a star on those kid karate shows, you know, and I want to teach her some self-defense just in case, but I’m a bit worried because, well--”

“Tony, shut up!” McGee said, his voice a strange mix of excitement and annoyance.

Tony sighed, slightly intrigued as he continued making Tali’s sandwich. “Alright, McSerious. Calm down, I’ll bite. Who’s alive?”

McGee paused for a moment before answering, trying to find the right words.

"It’s...it’s her, Tony. It’s Ziva.”

The line fell silent as Tony’s jaw dropped. The knife he was using to spread Tali’s favorite peanut butter fell from his hand and clattered against the plate, suddenly incredibly insignificant.

He clutched the phone tightly in his hand as blood drained from his face. Feelings he’d long buried came rushing back, and his mind ran wild with questions and disbelief.

“Tony? Did you hear me?” McGee asked. “Ziva’s alive.”

Tony stayed silent, trying to form a coherent response as tears started to form. He covered his mouth with his hand as paralyzing surges of hope, anger, confusion, and guilt overwhelmed him.

“Tony, Ziva’s alive,” he repeated, growing increasingly concerned at the silence. “And, she’s in danger.”

Those were the magic words, apparently, because Tony suddenly stood up straighter with fire in his eyes. No one can hurt her again. He cleared his throat.

“I’m on my way.”

Tony hung up abruptly. Still grasping his phone, he crumpled to the ground in a small sob as the news finally started to sink in. She’s alive.

It was as if he was grieving all over again--but this time, grieving for the choices he made. For not staying with her in Israel or checking in with her for three years. For accepting that she was dead. For wasting so much time. Why didn’t I see it?

He was furious at her, too, of course. For not returning to DC with him and not telling him about Tali. And, now, for letting him believe she was dead for three years.

But most of all, he was overwhelmed with pure joy and the strength of his love for her. How, despite everything she put him through, he would do anything to see her one more time. He reached into his wallet and pulled her Star of David necklace from its permanent spot, fiddling with the pendant. He slapped his hand against the cabinet beside him as more tears slipped down his cheek.

Tali ran out of her room with her backpack in hand and stopped short when she saw her father on the floor.

“Abba, why are you sad?”

Tony looked up at her and laughed softly, finally letting himself see the love of his life in his daughter’s eyes. She looks just like her. He held out his arms and drew Tali close.

“I’m...I’m not sad, Tali. Well, I’m a bit sad. And mad. And guilty, like when you do something wrong. But, most of all Tali, I’m...I’m...very, very happy.”

"Why?”

Tony squeezed her hand. “I’ll tell you someday, love. I promise. But right now, we have to go see someone very special.”

+++

When it was all over, McGee offered to bring Tony and Tali to Ziva’s cabin. Gibbs’ house was still a crime scene, after all, and he knew they needed a place to work this out alone.

Ziva paced around the cabin, trying to calm her pounding heart. Although she had six years to think about what she would say to Tony if she ever saw him again, she felt completely unprepared to confront the man currently making his way to her. The man from whom she took so much. The man whom she treated terribly the last time she saw him. The only man who could render her speechless from just a glance. And, the man she loved more than any other.

She also had no idea how she would explain to her daughter why she left her with a stranger--even if he was her father--and ceased all contact for three years. A mission, perhaps?

A cold shudder ran through her as another possibility dawned: Will she even remember who I am?

Lost in her own thoughts, she almost didn’t hear the cabin door creak open. She turned quickly, involuntarily reaching for her weapon before finally, finally seeing him.

“Hello, Tony,” she said, the nervousness in her voice betraying her calm exterior.

He said nothing for a moment. He could only stare, not quite believing his eyes that she was really there, alive and standing before him, waiting.

Relief washed over her as he finally spoke.

“Ziva,” he said, her name feeling familiar yet out-of-place on his lips. He smiled gently and quickly made his way toward her, wrapping his arms around her like he was afraid she’d disappear again. “Oh, Ziva,” he repeated, his voice breaking as a few tears slipped down his face. He kissed her forehead before cradling her face in his hands.

“I can’t believe it’s really you.”

Ziva could only smile and nod, returning his embrace as a tear of her own started to fall. Tony wiped it away with his thumb.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

She shook her head. “No, Tony, I am fine.”

“Good,” he said before he ran his fingers through her hair. “God, I’ve missed you so much, Ziva.”

At that, Ziva glanced away as the guilt rose within her. “I know, Tony. I’ve missed you too. I am...sorry. I am so, so sorry.”

Tony rubbed her cheek softly, encouraging her to look at him. She met his eyes, silently begging him to forgive her for what seemed unforgivable. Her fear almost broke his heart. Again.

“I know that you did what you thought you had to do to protect Tali,” Tony said, his voice shaking. “But, Ziva...how you could you not tell me?”

After he was met with silence, he continued. “I would’ve been there, Ziva. I would’ve been there in a heartbeat. I wanted to be there--for her and for you. You didn’t have to deal with this threat and having our child--our child, Ziva--alone. You know I’ll always have your back no matter what. So...what happened?”

“I...” Ziva started, forcing herself to look at Tony. Her eyes pleaded with him to understand as she took his hand, interlacing her fingers with his. “I know. And I wanted to tell you, Tony. I did. It took a while for me to realize I was pregnant, and by the time I did the threat was already growing. It was...better for all of us if I didn’t make contact. Then, when it grew to be too much...I knew it would be safer if everyone thought I was dead. They would stop looking for her. So, I ran, and I sent her to you.”

“I know what it is like to lose both parents, Tony. I didn’t want the same for Tali. And I knew it was a real possibility with Zahar on the loose. When she was born, I promised her that she would have a better life than I did.”

She hesitated before continuing. “I also couldn’t stand the thought of something happening to you because of what I did all those years ago, if I had gotten you involved. I simply would not have been able to live with myself. So, I did what had to be done. I know it was a bit selfish, in that respect. But I was sure that it was the only choice I had. And, I honestly...I honestly did not think I would ever see you two again.”

“Neither did we,” Tony replied. Ziva stiffened at the words, her heart aching with regret.

“I get it--at least, a part of me gets it,” he said. “But I have to be honest here, Ziva. I won’t start whatever this is with a lie,” he said as he gestured vaguely between them. “The other part of me is still ticked. Your fake death almost killed me. I’m going to need some time. And more answers.”

Ziva's eyes widened with a mix of pain and hope about what he meant by this.

“But,” he continued. “I’m sorry, too.”

“You have absolutely nothing to apologize for,” Ziva said firmly. “I am the one who pushed you away. I didn’t tell you about Tali. I let you think I was dead, and I left you blindsided with a child you did not know you had. Please do not blame yourself for my mistakes, Tony.”

"I don’t. I blame myself for my own mistakes,” he said, rubbing his forehead. “I shouldn’t have left you in Israel, Ziva. I chose DC and all that crap over you. I didn’t check in on you. But mostly, I was a complete idiot when I accepted the idea that you were dead when I knew how well you are trained to disappear. Hell, I’ve worked enough cases to know that if there’s no body, there’s no proof. It’s crime 101.”

Ziva smiled softly and kissed his cheek. “We will get through this, Tony.”

“We must. Because I can’t lose you again, Ziva. I don’t care if I have to spend the rest of my life in some tiny South American village with no cell service,” Tony said, eliciting the laugh he adored so much.

“There are two mistakes I need to rectify immediately, though.”

"Yes?”

He didn’t answer right away. Instead, he took both her hands in his and gave each a soft kiss. A small shudder ran through her at the act, reminiscent of their time in the orange grove.

“Here’s the first: I will not let one more second go by without telling you. It’s actually on my bucket list,” he chuckled to himself.

“Telling me what, Tony?”

He took a deep breath before answering. No more wasting time.

“Telling you...that I love you, Ziva. I have loved you for years, and I will love you forever. When I said I couldn’t live without you, I meant it. I am a mess without you. I am hopelessly, hopelessly in love with you.”

His eyes bored into hers. He was scared. Half of him expected her to pull away, to end this before it even had a chance to begin.

A million emotions ran through her as she processed his words. Words she thought she would never have the chance to hear. Ziva moved closer to him and traced his jaw as a small smile formed.

“I love you too, Anthony DiNozzo. Movie references and all. I want whatever this is, too.”

Tony laughed and looked deeply into her eyes before he leaned down to meet her waiting mouth. Ziva wrapped her arms around his neck and returned the kiss as Tony snaked his arms around her back and pulled her closer. It was slow and soft at first, before it grew into something passionate and raw, full of pain and regret and hope and love. It marked a new beginning neither thought they would get, and they were determined to savor every moment.

Finally, Ziva pulled away as Tony moved to plant kisses on her neck. “What was the second thing?”

“Hmm?” Tony mumbled, now reaching her earlobe. Ziva couldn’t help but laugh. “The second thing you wanted to fix.”

Tony smiled and pulled back. “Ah. Yes. Well for that, I’m going to need a little help.”

He gave her one last peck before stepping away and opening the door, gesturing to the car. As quickly as she could, Tali ran from McGee’s grasp and into her father’s waiting arms.

“Tali, there’s someone here who wants to see you.”

Ziva’s anxiety spiked. She could barely hold back tears as Tali made eye contact with her for the first time in three years. She had gotten so big, so strong, and so, so beautiful.

Tali broke away from Tony and looked at her mother. She smiled shyly. “Ima?”

Ziva smiled and got on her knees to be at eye-level with her. “Yes, tateleh. It’s me. Do you remember?” She asked, praying to whatever God would still listen to her that the answer was yes.

Tali pondered the question, fingering the Star of David necklace she had around her neck. After a moment, she nodded and broke into a DiNozzo-esque grin.

Ziva grinned back and held out her arms, gesturing Tali over.

When the two met, Ziva couldn’t stop the tears she was holding back from streaming down her face. She gently rocked Tali, running her hands through her hair and whispering softly. “I love you, Tali. I am sorry I had to leave you. So, so, so sorry. Please forgive me.”

Tali started to pull back from Ziva--which nearly broke her. She then took something out of her pocket. “Abba told me that this is yours. I kept it safe on the plane for you, Ima.”

She opened her palm to Ziva, revealing her Star of David necklace. Ziva smiled and took it from her, replacing it with a kiss. “Thank you, Tali. I love it. And it’s just like yours!”

Tali giggled, again playing with her own child-sized star.

“Do you think you and Abba can help me put it back on?”

She nodded and looked at Tony, who came over and knelt down beside them. Tony took the necklace from Ziva and gently moved her hair out of the way before wrapping the chain around her neck. He easily clasped the necklace and softly stroked the back of her neck, placing a chaste kiss on her hairline. Ziva turned to face him and smiled. Her hand finally grasped the pendant she thought she’d never wear again.

“Thank you, Tony.”

He smiled and looked at Ziva and Tali. “It’s beautiful. Just you two.”

Tali grinned and reached for both of her parents, together, for the first time. Tony and Ziva smiled at each other before fully embracing Tali, staying that way before their daughter broke the silence.

“Ima! Abba! I am squished!” she yelled as she struggled to break free of her parents’ grasps. Laughing, the two let go. It felt like home.

Tony smiled and kissed his daughter’s head. “You better get used to it, kid. Because Abba and Ima aren’t going anywhere.”

#ncis #tiva #fanfiction #my stuff #ziva david #anthony dinozzo #tali david dinozzo #season 17 spoilers #my fanfiction

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