#seeing his younger self who hadn’t completely fucked up (in his opinion) makes him upset and he doesnt want to see it

[arson-09]

Day 1: Heir of Spring🌸

For the first prompt of Tamlin week I decided to do just a simple dump page for our favorite Heir of Spring. Slipping in a few details and my own hcs of him :) Close ups Down below +alt texts! (i know my handwriting is bad) @tamlinweek

[spnwriter]

make me yours part 1

I love hunting. I love hunting with Sam and Dean. Don't get me wrong when I say, I hate going out with them. After hunts Dean liked to go to the bar to "blow off steam" as he says. It's nothing personal, or anything they do to make me feel this way on purpose anyway. Most nights I can handle it, it's nothing I'm not used to. I never miss the sideways glances, uttered insults and even the confused stares as to why a girl like me is with these Greek gods. I've had a bit of extra meat on my bones, a bit of jiggle in my walk. I know I'm not most guys cup of tea and I get that. Tonight however the case didn't go well. Some vampires had been turning girls at some night club using free drinks. We needed bait to catch the guys responsible. Sam had the brilliant idea to use me as the bait (a fact Dean was so not pleased with). I tried to tell them it wouldn't work but no one listened to me. So I dressed up and got it done...only it didn't go as planned. The Vamp rejected me...pretty harshly to be honest but I told them that was going to happen. Luckily I had a plan B so I made sure to get him alone before he could be an asshole. With the hunt done, all I wanted was a shower, some form of chocolate and to watch Dr. Sexy MD in my fat pants. That however is not how the night went Dean didn't allow me to say no, not that I would have not to him. Surprise, Surprise I have a pretty massive crush on the older Winchester. The typical fat girl likes a guy she'll never have.

As soon as we hit the doors, I noticed the looks the girls in the room looked me up and down. I frown, I don't think I can handle this tonight. I push it down and sit at the table as Dean goes to get the drinks. Sam silently observing me, he's trying to sus out how I'm feeling. I turn to look at the younger hunter.

"Talk to me." Sam's voice cuts of my thoughts

"There isn't anything to talk about." I sigh

"Y/N." Sam frowns

"Look, it's nothing new. Sam I'm fine."

He gives me a sideways glance but doesn't get a chance to say anything as Dean comes back to the table setting the drinks down.

"You see the bartender?" Dean smirks throwing a glance over his shoulder at the busty blonde.

Here we go, I think as I grab the beer taking a long drink. I know I shouldn't be jealous. He doesn't even know I have feelings for him not that it'd change anything. I know I'm so not the girl he goes for. I tune him out, not wanting to hear him go on about some girl he's probably going to go home with. Ordinarily, I could handle him without too much hurt on my part but the words from the vampire echoing in my head. I know the opinion of some monster shouldn't bother me all that much but, it's not the first time I'd hear them. Tonight is going to be a drown my sorrows in alcohol night.

"I need another drink," I announce probably cutting one of them off.

I walk over to the bar, the bartender smiles widely at me.

"What can I get you?" She asks, still eyeing Dean.

"Scotch straight," I reply as she goes to pour the drink.

"So you, and that hottie over there..."

"Just work friends," I answer knowing she wants to know if he's single.

"Well I figured that much, didn't take you for his type."

And here we go, I think taking the glass she set in front of me.

"I'm assuming you didn't start this conversation to insult me so what do you want to know." I snap

"Just wanted to be sure he wasn't a chubby chaser," She smirks.

I roll my eyes heading back to the table. Sam looks at me with a sad look. I fake a smile as Dean walks to the bar.

"What did she say?" Sam asks taking a drink of his beer. "And don't say nothing you hadn't heard."

"Why are you suddenly so interested in the insults I get? You never cared before." I reply maybe a bit harshly, to be honest.

"What do you mean by before? Does this happen a lot to you?" Sam asks his usual concerned look on his face.

"All the time." I brush him off "Like I said, I don't want to talk about it."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"What good would it do?" I don't give him a chance to respond before I inform "I'm going back to the motel."

I hear Sam call my name but I don't turn around. I need to get out of this bar, my self-esteem cannot take another blow like that at least not right now. I take the fifteen-minute walk back to the motel trying not to let my brain take over. I don't want to cry right now. I shut the door and strip not caring about leaving my clothes strewn around the room. I stand before the mirror in the bathroom. I try to avoid the mirror while I'm naked. I don't like looking at myself. I frown looking at the stretch marks that stretch across my hips. The way my stomach puffs out where it's supposed to be flat. How wide my hips are. The way my boobs sag and aren't perky like the bartenders. I just wish I looked like her, then maybe Dean would want me. Maybe he'd see me as more than a friend. Who am I kidding? He'd never want me.

"I wouldn't say never." A familiar voice breaks my train of thought. I jump turning to the doorway to see Lucifer stood there.

"Lucifer!" I scold quickly grabbing something to cover up with. The fallen angel and I grew close when he stayed in the bunker wearing Cas. He's the only one who knows how I feel about going out with Sam and Dean. He knows about my feelings for the hunter.

"I heard your distress." He explains entering the bathroom. "You've been upset all night." He stands behind me ice blue eyes boring into mine.

I can tell he's trying to make me let my guard down. He promised to never read my mind unless I allowed him. He was oddly respectful of the devil, something I admire in him. He's so powerful yet with me he's so gentle. I've never seen him so soft with anyone else. He told me once that I make him feel safe as if he doesn't need this guard up.

"Just a hunt that went unplanned." I sigh trying to brush off the matter but he knows me better than that.

"Come on Little one. I know you better than that." He rests his head on my shoulder a way to tell me that he's here and will listen to whatever I have to say. We both know I'll cave and tell him everything, I always do. He's patient gives me time to think, not pushing me to talk about it. I know he'd accept me if I didn't want to talk about it. But he also knew that I couldn't keep it in. I needed to talk about it with someone and I trust Lucifer more than I trust the brothers. Something I never thought I'd say but here we are.

"Let me get changed, you go get some chocolate and we'll talk," I reply giving him a fake smile and just like that he's gone.

I change quickly throwing on my favorite sweats that are probably way too big for me but so comfortable and an oversized t-shirt that has stains on it. I never felt the need to dress up for Lucifer. He always accepted me just as I am. He's seen me at my worst. Completely Smashed, sobbing historically and even high out of my mind. Whenever I need him, he's there.

He appears just as I finish pulling the shirt down. In his hands he holds whiskey, my favorite chocolate and a pizza. He knows exactly what I need even if I don't tell him. He sits beside me on the bed, one leg pressed against mine. He hands me the bottle.

"The hunt went sideways, not in an everyone got hurt way." I explain pausing to take a drink from the bottle "There was this nest of vampires turning girls at some club, so naturally we needed bait to draw him out. I told...I told them it wouldn't work that I'm too fat for his liking based on the other victims but no one listened. I um, I just went along with it and well he turned me down of course. Rather harshly but it's whatever. Nothing I hadn't heard before."

"What'd he say?" he asks voice soft.

"Oh you know the usual, something along the lines of he wouldn't go for me if I was the last woman of the earth. how embarrassed he is that I'd even think he'd consider fucking me."

He takes an annoyed breath in as I continue "I'll admit that one stung but, the real reason I feel like shit is because of-"

"Dean." He finishes for me

I nod "Typical night. He hit on the bartender which wasn't a big deal, I'm use to that. I went to get a drink and she said something."

"Where's the bar?"

"Lucifer." I start turning to face him, rage in his eyes

"No, tell me Y/N."

"Luc it's fine. No big deal."

"It is to me. You're hurt," he replies eyes soften as he notices a single tear roll down my face.

"I'll be okay, just a dent in my self-image is all."

He pops up sitting in front of me, a serious expression on his face "You shouldn't have any dents in your self-image. You're beautiful."

I scoff "I'm fat."

"What does that have to do with your beauty?"

"You just don't get it Luc."

"Then explain it to me."

"Humans don't see souls like you guys, they see the outside first and judge on it. I'm not every guy's cup of tea which is fine. I just wish people wouldn't look at me wonder what guys like Sam and Dean are doing with a girl like me."

"I wonder the same thing." I wince slightly as he finishes the sentence "Not because you aren't good enough for them but because they aren't worth enough to be in your presence."

"Now I know you're lying."

"I would never lie to you little one," he says lifting his hand to cup my jaw. I find comfort in his cool touch as I lean into his hand.

"You deserve so much more than those flannel wrapped nightmares."

"Those are my friends Luc," I warn

"Yet, here you are. Upset and alone."

"Sam did try to get me to talk about it but I pushed him away."

"Why push a so-called friend away?"

I hesitate to try to find the right answer. Why did I not let my guard down with Sam like I do with Lucifer? Why is it so easy to drop my guard around him? Maybe it's because he's always there. He always knows exactly what I need to feel better. I find solace in his company, never needing to fake anything. I've never let anyone in like I have Lucifer. Never been so vulnerable around anyone. Here I sit, wallowing in self-pity broken up over a guy who isn't even remotely interested in me and here's Lucifer picking up the pieces like he always does. He's here to mend the broken parts despite probably having something better to do, I didn't even call him. He just shows up when I need him. He says he can feel my emotions at first he expressed a distaste for them but something change with him. I look into these blue eyes and realize, I open up to Lucifer more than anyone else because I love him. The realization hitting me like a truck. I'd been pinning after Dean all the while ignoring the feelings I have for the amazing angle before me.

His expression falters, a confused look on his face. Did he hear that?

"I did, I'm sorry little one. I know I promised to never read your thoughts but you seemed so lost in them." he brushes his thumb across my jaw.

"I'm-

"Do you want to know why I feel your emotions?" Lucifer cuts me off

I nod as he withdraws his hand, I already miss his touch.

"I've wanted to tell you this for a long time but I didn't know how...My father creates soul mates for all the angles. I didn't think he made me one because I'd never met them until I met you. That's why I can feel your emotions, I'm connected to you."

"Am I not connected to you?"

"Not yet, to make us true mates there a ritual we have to follow."

"What kind of ritual?"

"Don't worry about that right now little one. I just want you to know I love you too."

"Lucifer?" I ask

he hums an answer

"Make me yours."

[classic80sand90smovieloves2]

Meeting and Dating Brad Hamilton

(Not my gif)(requested by @justabunchofthings​ )

- You met Brad through his sister. The two of you had been walking to her house when you were met with the sight of her brother washing his car in the driveway. She casually introduces you while you internally freak out over how attractive he is.

- Brads pretty popular in school so you know who he is before actually meeting him. He just gives you a smile and says hello before Stacy pulls you inside. 

- For a while he only thinks of you as his sisters friend but seemingly out of nowhere he looks at you and all of a sudden it’s like he’s seeing you for the first time. 

- It’s after his sister jokes about you being asked out when the two of you got home from the mall. He gives a fake laugh when she tells the story and teases you a little even though he feels an uncharacteristic wave of jealousy course through him. 

- Over the course of a few days he starts paying more attention to you and realizes that shit, he’s really fallen for you. 

- He tries to subtly flirt with you whenever he can get you alone like when you come into the kitchen for a drink or are waiting for Stacy to get home. 

- Finally he decides to ask you out before someone else does. 

- In the morning before school you walk out of your house preparing to go to the bus stop until you see Brad standing outside leaning against his car. When you walk up and greet him you expect that Stacy is inside the car but he’s completely alone. 

- He offers you a ride to school and when you get to the parking lot he turns to you and blurts out an invitation to a party.You agree to go and he picks you up the following day. While you’re there you both end up getting drunk and the two of you kiss. 

- You avoid him for a while after that considering you’re friends with his sister and just feel awkward about the whole thing. Its only when you accidentally go into the restaurant he works at that you’re forced to interact with him. He apologizes for the night at the party and asks if you’d ever give him a chance.

- To his surprise you agree and the two of you go on your first date. You go to the mall where you mess around in different stores for a while, joking around and just having a good time. 

- You keep your “relationship” a secret for a while until one of Brads friends sees you and word gets out. You become more well known around school by default considering how Brad knows everyone. 

- His sister doesn’t mind at all; she’d rather you date him then some random chick and vice versa. You are her best friend after all. 

- He has a little sister so he has a firm grasp on how you want to be treated and what to do in certain situations. His grasp ranges from when you’re upset to being on your period to gift ideas and so on. 

- Is really good at keeping your secrets and doing you favors. He just tells you not to mention it or gives you a wink and a kiss on the forehead. 

- He fantasizes about you constantly. He’ll be in class one minute and all of a sudden your boobs will flash across his mind. It’s a big problem for him; sometimes he can barely focus and just zones out while thinking about you. 

- Even though his minds in the gutter a lot he actually prefers kissing/making out over actual sex. 

- He sees you as more of an innocent person considering you’re younger than him/his sisters age and that kind of leaks into your relationship sometimes. He mother hens you a lot, making sure you take a jacket or that you’ve eaten/drank enough that day. 

- He gets pretty jealous and possessive when guys flirt with you. He’ll usually snap and threaten them.You have to pull him away before he actually throws a punch and gets in serious trouble. 

 “The fucking nerve of that guy, did you see the way he was looking at you. I swear to god if you hadn’t-“ blah blah blah.

- You always get rides to school. 

- His arm is constantly around your shoulders whenever you’re walking down the hallways at school.

- He always helps you with your homework or studying. After all, he’s already passed those classes and probably has his own version of that exact homework/test. 

- He asks Stacy for advice or ideas whenever he wants to surprise you with something. She knows you better than anyone else and is usually able to plan something perfect leaving him forever in her debt. 

- He absentmindedly rubs your back whenever he’s standing by your side and watching you do something.

- Dates are usually going to the mall with him.

- Making out on the hood of his car.

- Washing his car with him. The ordeal usually ends in a water fight. 

- Pool dates. He throws you into the water with him and carries you on his shoulders while he does laps around the pool.

- He loves when you sit on his lap.

- Whenever you’re making out he usually pulls you over to straddle him.

- Loves when you hold his face in your hands. It’s just such a sweet, tender feeling. 

- Gets kind of cocky yet blushes when you talk about having had a crush on him for a while. He’ll usually ask what you liked about him and get progressively more pink as his grin widens. 

- He likes sending you flowers. Every now and again you’ll wake up to them outside your door. 

- He invites you over every time his parents and Stacy aren’t home.You get to  cuddle and watch movies/television without feeling awkward about Stacy being in the other room.

- He’s usually the big spoon or you’re tucked into his side whenever you cuddle. 

- A lot of compliments, most aren’t exactly innocent sounding. 

- The ones that are actually innocent are usually when you’re feeling self conscious and voice your opinions of yourself. He usually ends those compliments with “so shut up you’re beautiful”.

- Tight hugs where you bury your face in his chest. 

- He has a very brotherly way of treating you when you aren’t being totally intimate. Sort of like you’re one of the guys/a little kid. Its kind of annoying sometimes. 

- Visiting him at work when he actually had/has a job. 

- Making fun of his stupid work uniforms.

- You actually tease each other a lot; it’s cute. 

- You probably get him a job at the place you work and the two of you hang out whenever you’re on break. 

- Pecks on the lips and cheeks. 

- He brushes your hair back from the top of your head before leaning down to kiss you.

- He’s pretty tall so he likes teasing you with it like not bending down when you try to kiss him.

- His pet names are usually pretty generic.He calls you babe a lot and occasionally throws in a sweetheart to spice things up.

- He puts his hats on your head whenever he takes them off. You are his little hat rack and he loves you. 

- Pokes and tickles your sides when he passes you in the hallway.

- Joking around and making pretend threats to each other. 

- He can kind of be a dick at times.You have more than a few arguments; you feel like he’s just using you and is gonna break up with you any second. He tries to reassure you he isn’t but why would you trust him?

- The two of you say things you don’t mean and ignore each other for a while but soon enough you guys get back together.

- He just loves you so much. Even if it seems like he doesn’t at times, he never stops.

- He doesn’t want to go to college but supports and respects your decision if you end up going. 

- Definitely proposes when you get your college degree. You guys stay in town and buy a house in the same neighborhood as his old one. 

- You probably have two kids, a little girl and boy. He’s a great father and you couldn't be happier. 

[starstaiined]

Would You Lie With Me & Just Forget The World?

Chapter 2

SUMMARY: The world is a dangerous place. It can be big, scary, and almost overwhelmingly dark. But despite all the negative aspects, despite all the pain and turmoil, Katherine Howard has always found a brief reprieve in the other queens. Particularly, in her older cousin. (And as loathe as they are to admit it, the other queens have to agree with her.) Anne Boleyn can be chaotic, wild, and reckless  … but she’s also passionate, kind, and effervescent. Her boundless energy acts as a barrier against the bad in the world. But when that barrier breaks and the world turns on its head, can Kat manage to navigate the turbulent waters without her cousin by her side?  

CHAPTER ONE // 

TW: Implied abuse/neglect, Implied sexual abuse, Panic Attack, Car crash 

A/N: sorry this chapter took so long! I ended up having to trim parts out and it isn’t as smooth as I was hoping for, but this is one of the rougher chapters to set up because of all the background. (I’m setting this in my own AU verse/idea that I’m still writing up the lore for, if anyone wants to hmu for that feel free!) 

TAGGING: @the10amongstthese3s  @radcowboyalmondtree  @tonight-we-are-live  @the-queen-bee-is-here  @everything-insanity  @whoufflewhovian200311  (if you want to be added, just reply to this post, send me an ask, or hit up my ims! these are the people I know who were interested!) 

“Annie, I’m scared.” 

Anne froze, the almost inaudible admission tugging at her heart. She climbed down from the garage roof as easily as she’d climbed up. “You don’t need to be scared, Kit. I’ve got you, okay? Just trust me.” Anne smiled mischievously, shooting her brightest gap toothed grin at her cousin.

Kitty visibly relaxed, and Anne showed Kitty how to use the materials lining the side of the building to get to the top. (After it, it wasn’t more than a few feet in the air.) But as ordinary as the view may have been, it was extraordinary because they were there together. 

Anne dropped to book bag she’d brought with her, unrolling the blanket and wrapping it around Kat’s shoulders. “Can’t let the birthday girl get too cold now, can I?” She asked with a teasing grin. She reached into the bookbag, unaware of the surprise on her cousin’s face. She handed Kat some silly plushie she picked up at the store, and a (terribly smashed) attempt at a cupcake. 

“You...you remembered?” Kat asked, looking down at the presents her cousin gave her as if they were the greatest thing in the world. The genuine shock in her voice startled Anne. 

“Of course I did Kit...why wouldn’t I? It’s not everyday your favorite cousin turns seven, after all.” 

“Dad and the boys sometimes forget...” Kitty attempted to appear nonchalant, although it was obvious she was upset. 

“They do what?” Anne growled, and Kitty flinched away at the change in her voice. Not now, Anne chided herself, using every ounce of teenage self restraint she had in order to plaster on the cheesiest grin she could muster. “I’m sure they’re just...planning a surprise or something.” 

“Maybe.” Kat mumbled, but it was clear she didn’t believe it. 

They sat in silence, before Anne’s lips curved back into their usual grin. She nudged her younger cousin. “Why don’t you spend the night? We can play board games and watch movies. I’ll even let you-oh.”

She’d been cut off mid sentence by a hug, and found Katherine peering up at her. “You’re the bestest, Annie! I love you.” The younger girl’s face shone with excitement that hadn’t been there moments earlier. 

Anne couldn’t help but mirror that joy. She ruffled Kit’s hair, laughing at the expression it produced. “I love you too, Kit. And I’m here for you. Always.” 

But their short moment was cut short as her father’s voice echoed up from the ground down below. “ANNE BOLEYN, GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW! THE LAST THING WE NEED IS YOUR POOR HABITS RUBBING OFF ON LITTLE KATHER-” 

And with that, Anne woke with a start. She damn near fell off her bed with a yell, catching herself last minute and blinking sleep out of her eyes. The other side of the bed was empty. Thank god. It meant Kat had slept with Jane instead, and she hadn’t accidently interrupted what little sleep the girl managed to get. Anne flopped back down on her bed with a sigh. Her heart hammered against her ribcage, energy buzzing in her exhausted muscles demanding that she get moving. She glanced at the alarm clock. 6:03 A.M. 

Well, that was as good a time as any to start the day, wasn’t it? She rolled out of bed, quietly, and made her way to the bathroom. She ran through her usual morning routines : brushing her teeth, throwing her hair up in a tight bun, changing out of her pajamas and into running gear. By six thirty, she was ready to run. With her headphones fixed firmly in her ears and music blasting, she let her muscles guide her. The song playing pulled up another memory, a little fuzzy around the edges but still soft enough to pull a smile from her. 

Family Christmas parties, everybody’s favorite time. Except not really. Anne dealt with it as best she could, which was ignoring damn near everyone and doing her own thing. She was choreographing a dance routine to a song that had just come out, earbuds in and focus completely on the movement of each muscle in time with the beat. Which is why she didn’t notice George until it was too late. He slammed into her side roughly, knocking her off her feet and sending her sliding across the floor. Anne stared slack jawed for a moment, recovering her breath, before yelling “What the fuck George!” 

“Careful Ninon, don’t let dear old dad hear you using that language.” George answered with a smirk, towering over her. The gleam in his eyes made it clear he was in one of his moods, which meant Anne was in for it. If there was one thing George excelled at, it was pushing her buttons. 

“Why don’t you go bother Mary for once?”

“Because Mary’s actually socializing with the family, unlike you.”

“Sorry, not sorry, but I’m trying to have fun. I’m not interested in being judged for stupid reasons, okay? I just want to be left alone.” 

“Don’t want to be judged, don’t give them reasons to judge you. It’s simple, really.” George answered with a shrug. “Besides, considering your …. reputation I don’t think they’re stupid reas-” 

“I don’t really care about your opinion, George.” Anne snapped, face immediately heating up. She pushed herself to her feet, taking a couple steps away from him. “Maybe you should shut up.”

“Maybe you should stop being such a sl-” He didn’t get to finish that thought as a pink blur knocked into his legs. It caught him off guard; he flailed his arms wildly to no avail and ended up tripping over his own feet and landing on his ass. Anne blinked in surprise. George pushed himself to his feet quickly, visibly seething. “What the fuck!” 

Ten year old Katherine Howard, about two feet shorter and at least a hundred pounds lighter, didn’t break eye contact with George from where she’d positioned herself; she stood directly in front of Anne as if she were a human shield. “Sorry, didn’t see you there.” She deadpanned. 

“Brat.” George hissed, pointing a finger at the young girl menacingly. 

Kat just shrugged, but she could feel her hands trembling. “Takes one to know one, right?” 

Anne laughed, making her brother’s face flush six different shades of red. George, thoroughly humiliated and beyond angry, stormed off. Almost immediately Kat’s shoulders deflated. Anne pulled her younger cousin into a side hug. “KitKat, you are my hero.” 

“We’re family.” Kat answered back, her voice muffled by Anne’s shoulder. “We always protect each other, don’t we?” 

Anne smiled. “We do.” 

The memory faded. The burning in her muscles, and the unfamiliarity in her surroundings, made it clear she’d gotten lost in her head longer than she’d meant to. Crap. It took her nearly an hour to find her way back. She made a beeline straight for the fridge once she did. She gave the calendar a quick glance as she opened the fridge to pull out a carton of orange juice, before doing a double take. 

November 4th. Kitty’s birthday was less than a week away! How in the hell had that happened? Anne was usually on top of these things, but between the interviews and the show and her work on choreo...she could feel guilt flooding her system. Shit. She wracked her brain, trying to remember whether or not Kitty had been acting strange recently. She’d seemed a little lethargic but Anne had chalked that up to being overworked with the show…

She didn’t think twice. She rushed up to Cleves room, flinging the door open in a panic as she shook the other girl. “Anna!” She hissed, voice low but pressing. “Anna, wake up!”

“Anne…?” Anna asked groggily. “What time is it…” 

“It’s eight.”

“What are you doing up? We didn’t go to bed until almost tw-”

“Shh, that doesn’t matter right now. I’m going to the store. Do you want to come?” 

Anne’s voice brimmed with urgency, but Anna was too tired to register it. She buried herself deeper into her blankets. “With your driving? No thank you, Miss Boleyn, I choose life.” She waved a hand dismissively, eyes never so much as cracking open. The warmth of her bed was too enticing. 

Anne heaved a sigh, but accepted Anna’s answer. She ran to the kitchen, scribbled a quick note on a post it, and attached it to the fridge. 

Need to run some errands. Urgent. Be back later. XO, Anne. 

And with that she disappeared through the door, the orange juice still sitting forgotten on the counter. 

The shopping went quickly. Or well, as quickly as it could go when Anne Boleyn was involved. She spent hours loading her cart with Kitty’s favorite snacks and movies, picked up random little knick knacks that she thought Kitty might like. (Hell, she even managed to find some cute presents for the rest of the queens.) Brimming with excitement about her haul, and eager to show it to the others, Anne was in a phenomenal mood when she hopped back in the car. She was jamming along to every song coming over the radio, grinning from ear to ear. 

The buzzing of her phone on the seat next to her snapped Anne out of her private karaoke concert. It was probably just Kat calling to check up on her. She could feel warmth spreading through her chest as she let out a breathless giggle, turning down the music and running a quick hand through her hair. She found Kitty’s worry endearing, although she half wished Kitty would realize that Anne would be fine. After all, she always was. 

She half debated it letting it ring to voicemail, just until she could answer without taking her hands off the wheel. That was….until the name on the caller ID caught her attention. 

THOMAS HOWARD.

Suddenly, all the mirth she’d felt drained out of her like air out of a popped balloon. She hadn’t spoken to her uncle in YEARS. The last time she’d seen him was the day that she had left, Kitty tucked under one arm and spare clothes under the other. He made good on his promise to ostracize both of them.

Kitty’s head is buried in the crook of her neck, tears staining the collar of her shirt. “I’m sorry,” Kitty chokes out between sobs, barely comprehensible. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Anne, it’s my fault. It’s all my fault.” 

Anne could feel a storm building beneath her skin, aching to break free and wreck every single person that had driven her cousin to this. SHE WAS A CHILD! But over the last few years, Anne had watched the light drain from her eyes. She was just kicking herself for not realizing what was going on earlier… But she can’t focus on that. Not right now. Instead she rubs soothing circles on Katherine’s back, rocking the girl back and forth. “It isn’t your fault, Kit.” Emotion rubbed her voice raw, and it takes everything in her not to cry. “None of it is. Not a damn thing. Do you hear me? Not a single damn thing.” 

If anything, that just seems to make Kat cry harder. “It is, it is Annie. I know it, and he knew it, and, and, and everyone knows it.” She’s cut off by a sob that shakes her frail shoulders. “He knew it, he said it, he-”

“He’s a piece of shit, Kit! I’m sorry, but it’s true. Your dad sucks. I wish it weren’t true, I wish you could’ve had the life you deserve. Somewhere far away from this bullshit.” Anne croaked out, a few silent tears falling as she fought to maintain a steady voice. “But you didn’t get that, instead life gave you a crappy hand and I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything. But I can promise you one thing.” Anne tucked Kitty’s head under her chin. “I know it isn’t much, but I’m here for you. Always. Whatever you want, whatever you need, I’m right here. And I’m always going to be right here, okay?” 

With a few sniffling breaths, Kitty nodded. Slowly, hesitantly, she held out a hand with her pinkie extended. In a small voice, she asked, “Pinkie promise?” 

Anne was all too happy to link their fingers. “Pinkie promise.” 

They made themselves more comfortable in the living room, still a tangle of limbs but this time a tangle of limbs under a blanket. Before drifting off to sleep, Kitty squeezed Anne’s hand. “Annie?” She asked, drowsily. 

“Hm?” 

“Earlier...earlier you said that you weren’t much...but you are. Okay? You’re the best. And I love you. I don’t know what I would do without you.” 

Anne squeezed her hand gently three times. I love you. “Don’t worry KitKat, you’ll never have to find out.” 

Anne’s thoughts flashed to every time since then that Kitty’s tears staining the collar of her shirt, to the way the poor girl had trembled from nightmares that stole her breath. She remembered rushing out on errands like this, doing anything and everything to pull a smile out of her cousin, who spent the week leading up to her birthday WISHING for that call from the rest of the family. Thomas Howard failed as a father consistently over the past two years, and there’s almost no one Anne hates more. (When she thinks of him, all she can see is Kat trembling, crying out my fault, my fault, my fault. Just thinking about it makes her jaw clench.) Even now, in what she assumes is an attempt to make amends, he was calling her and not Kitty!

She reached over, answering it swiftly and bringing it to her ear. “Don’t. I don’t want to hear what you have to say, I need you to shut the hell up for two seconds and listen to me, Thomas.”  Anger boiled in her veins and sharpened her tongue, but blurred everything else. In the haze of her own hatred, her focus on the phone pressed to her ear, she missed the truck that was swerving on a path directly towards her.

[psychosunflower-blog]

Size||Why don't we||Preference four♡

Summary: You struggle with your size, even though they think you are the most beautiful girl in the world.

Words:3406

Warnings:None

Requested:Not on here

A/n:Every single one of you are beautiful! Taken from my Wattpad:)

Daniel Seavey- You stood in the room you and Daniel shared at the Why Don't we house, your shirt rolled up to the bottom of your bra, as tears streamed down your face. When you were younger you were a little heavier than most, causing some asshole people to make fun of it and you. Over the last 2 years you had started working out 3 times a week and you had noticed a huge difference from how you once looked and felt, some of that having to do with working out and some of that having to do with Daniel, he had made you feel so incredibly beautiful. Your mental health along with your actual health had been improving so much and not a day went by where Daniel didn't tell you that he was proud of you and that you were beautiful, he knew how much you struggled with your self image and did anything he could to help you. But all the hard work you had seem to do undid its self a few days ago, the words replaying in your head over and over again.

You and Daniel had gone out to eat lunch, he had been so busy in the studio that he hadn't had much time to spend with you over the last week so he had taken you out to a nice lunch before you spent the day together.

After you had sat down, he excused himself to the bathroom after telling you want he wanted so you would order for the two of you.

When the waitress from the restaurant came over to the table where the two of you sat by the window you could instantly tell she wasn't in the best mood, so you tried to be extra nice and smile more, thinking maybe she had just dealt with a really rude person and could use one.

After you had told her what Daniel had wanted you glanced at the menu one more time before shutting it and tell her what you wanted. Instead of writing it down, she looked at you with an eyebrow raised.

"You sure you want to order that?" She asked, you looked at her confused. Was it bad?

"Yeah why?" You asked, your voice a little softer than it had once been.

"Its a lot of calories,Maybe try a salad honey. If you get any fatter he isn't gonna stick around" She laughed before writing down what you had once ordered and then snatched the menu from your hands and walked away, shaking her head in the process.

You looked down at your hands, tears brimming in your eyes.

You were taken out of your thoughts when Daniel opened the door and walked through, stopping right away when he saw the tears following down your face. You quickly shoved your shirt down and walked over to the bed, sitting down and wiping the tears away that were falling from your eyes.

"Baby, whats wrong?" he asked, shutting the door behind him and getting on the bed, sitting criss cross apple sauce facing you.

"Am I getting fat to you?" you blurted out, shock and sadness plastered his face. Daniel never really understood why you were so self conscious, from the moment he met you he thought you were the most beautiful girl he had ever seen and even though he was proud of you for working out and trying to better yourself he never even thought for a second that you needed to lose weight and he could've cared less if you gained. You would always be perfect to him, no matter what.

"What baby? No why would you ask that?" He asked, reaching his arms out and pulling you onto his lap, your head now leaning on his shoulder as your legs hung over his lap and on the bed.

"When we went for lunch the other day.. you went to the bathroom and when I ordered for myself she asked me if I was sure thats what I wanted because it was a lot of calories and she told me if I got any fatter you wouldn't stick around"You told him, not looking into his eyes anymore as you whispered the ended, not wanting to say it yourself.

"Excuse me?" He asked, anger breaking out all over his face.

"She said what?!" He hissed. He brought his fingers to your chin, making your head tilt up and your eyes connect with his.

"Y/n, you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen in my whole life. I thought that from the moment you walked into the Bakery that day and Ive thought it everyday since. If you lose fifty pounds or gain fifty pounds you will still be the most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on. Please don't listen to a stupid girl like her. I love you so much babygirl and nothing you could ever say or do would make me leave you, even more so over something silly like weight. I love you for you, not what you look like.”

Jack Avery- You sat on the couch in the living room of the Why Don't we house, looking through the comments of the most recent post Jack had posted of the two of you. Hating yourself more as you continued.

You had always been skinny, skinnier than most. When you were 13 you were diagnosed with an over working thyroid, which meant it burned off an extreme amount of calories causing not a lot of fats to stay in your body. It was something you were extremely self conscious about, you felt like everyone judged you as soon as they saw you and being in a bathing suit was something you had absolutely hated, and of course that was what you were wearing in the photo. Daniel had taken the photo of the two of you when you, the boys and a few of their girlfriends had a pool party. From the moment Jack saw it he fell in love with it, the way the two of you were looking at each other seemed to capture the love you two shared, but what you and everyone seemed to see was how Skinny you were.

Wdwfanforever Does she even eat?

Seaveymydaniel her legs or a stick? 99% Of americans can't tell the difference

Jackypooavery Someone get this girl a burger

And that was just the start of them, there were hundreds of them,  basically all saying the same thing. On some level you had always hoped people wouldn't notice, that it was just a you thing but after today you knew it wasn't

"Hey baby whats up?" Jack asked, smiling at you as he walked in. You quickly shut your phone off and sat up to meet his eyes.

"Nothing really, just trying to figure out what show to watch on netlfix. I was texting Adi for some advice" You lied, giving jack a fake smile. The only other time you had gotten hate was when you two had first went public with your relationship and Jack was absolutely furious.

"Jack have you seen all the comments on your post?" Daniel frowned coming into the living room with his phone in his hand. While Jack looked to Daniel you shook your head fast, hoping he would get the hint and drop it, but Jack looked back at you before you could stop and scrunched his eyebrows together looking back and fourth between the two of you.

He pulled out his phone when you stopped him, taking his hands and phone in yours before making eye contact with him.

"Jack, really its nothing. Please just let it go and don't get angry" You pleaded, but then Daniel opened his mouth.

"Its not nothing Y/n!" He said, Daniel had been your best friend growing up, him being the one who introduced the two of you and he had always been protective of you.

"Daniel please!" You yelled standing up, looking at him somewhat angrily in his eyes.

"Would someone please tell me what the fuck is going on!" Jack said, now leaving his spot from the couch and standing up as well.

Daniel handed Jack his phone, of course already on the post with the comments on his screen.

Jack sat back down has his face fell, reading comment after comment.

"Could you give us a second?" He asked, talking to Daniel but not lifting his eyes up from the phone, not stopping reading more and more comments. Daniel didn't say anything, he just nodded and walked out of the room. He shut the phone off and threw it on the couch, sticking his hand up, reaching for yours. Once yours and Jacks hands connected he gently pulled you to him and sat you on his lap.

Jacks hands cupped your cheeks before his eyes locked with yours.

"When I first met you I knew I was falling in love with you when I saw you having that eating competition with Jonah, and the best part was you won" He started causing you to giggle but your eyes never unlocking with his.

"I know we never talk about how self conscious you are, I catch you looking at your body in the mirror after a shower or the way you feel uncomfortable when you aren't wearing a hoodie. I never bring it up because I never want to upset you, but so many times have I been sitting and watching you while you laugh or when you break out into those terrible dance moves of yours when one of our songs play and overtime all I can think about is how fucking beautiful you are. Y/n, you are the most beautiful girl Ive ever seen, everyday you take my breath away and weather you are 100 pounds or 200 pounds my opinion on you will never change" Once he finished you had tears threatening to fall, god you loved this boy.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, placing with the hair that laid around the base before putting your forehead on his.

"I love you so much Jack Avery"

Jonan Marias- "You aren't fat per say, you're just a plus size model" Your friend told you as you took a bite from your chicken wrap as the two of you were at lunch. You instantly stopped eating your food and put it back down on the plate your face dropping completely as you pushed the food away from you, no longer hungry.

"Excuse me?" a guy asked, raged filling his whole voice, looking between you're friend and you. You had no idea who he was, but he was hands down the most beautiful human you had ever seen in your life. He was tall and had brown hair, with the most beautiful blue eyes you had ever seen.

"What?" Your friend snapped, obviously not liking the tone he was using. The boy looked at her in disgust while you just sat there watching.

"Why would you say something like that?" He asked, you had no idea why a stranger would get so angry over a comment like this, your 'friend' said stuff like this to you all the time and even though you tried to get use to it, it still hurt a little.

"Well its the truth" She said, rolling her eyes as she took another bite of her salad.

"The truth? The truth is she is one of the most beautiful girls Ive ever seen. The truth is that when I walked through the door my heart started beating a little faster once I saw her. The truth is that she deserves a hell of a lot better friends than you" He snapped, causing a blush to break out on your face as the two of you locked eyes, he winked at you before turning his attention back to the bitch eating in front of you.

"I think Im gonna go, Call me next week" She snapped, picking up her bag and rolling her eyes.

"Yeah she won't be doing that. I hope you step in dog shit" He called just before she walked out the door causing you to explode into a fit of giggles.

"Now, Im Jonah and Id like to buy you coffee" He said, taking a seat where your friend had once sat.

"Im y/n" You smiled, looking into his eyes once again.

Zach Herron- The boys had gotten a brand deal with Adidas, they had pictures of a group and then each boys had pictures with a different girl, and of course you couldn't help but stair at Zachs picture. Although you knew it was a photo shoot you couldn't help but feel a pang in your chest, the way he was holding her skinny body, the way their faces were lit up with happiness, it hurt you. You always felt like Zach could do better, he could go out and find someone prettier, skinner, someone who would look better with him, but he chose you and everyday you wondered why more and more than the last.

"Whats wrong?" Jonah asked, walking outside to the patio where you sat, you hadn't realized the frown that was forming on your face until you looked up to see Jonah with a worried expression on his face. Since you had moved into the Why don't we house Jonah had become like an older brother to you, he cared about you the way a brother would and even Zach had to admit that the two of you had adorable brother/sister moments that the fans just loved.

He sat on the end of the lounge as you brought your feet up to your chest. You handed him your phone, his face filling with confusion.

"Why are you looking at this?" He questioned, feeling like he knew the answer already.

"Because look at her, he could do so much better than me. She's so much prettier than me, she's skinner and her smile looks amazing. The way they look at each other makes me realize that maybe Im not what Zach wants anymore, not when he knows he could have someone like her" You told Jonah.

"Y/n.." Zach said from behind you, causing you to jump. Your face went pale, not wanting him to hear the words that had left your mouth.

"Im gonna go" Jonah trailed off, putting your phone beside your feet and running inside, knowing that the two of you had a lot to talk about now.

Zach took Jonah's spot at the end of your feet, taking one of your hands in his.

"She will never be better than you, no one ever will be. No one else's eyes will sparkle like Diamonds in the sun, at least not like yours does. No ones laugh with make my heart melt completely overtime, not like yours does. No one will make me want to get out of bed everyday and make amazing things happen, not like you do. No one will make me fall in love all over again just by one simple kiss, not the way you do. You are one of a kind, you are it for me. Y/n your body is perfect to me, I love the way it fits in mine at night, I love the way your thighs touch and all your curves that seem to be placed in every right way. You are so fucking beautiful to me. All those girls you say I could get, I don't even notice them. Why would I when I already have my everything right in front of me?"

"I love you so much Zach Herron" You whispered before bringing his face close to yours, pressing your lips on his soft pink ones.

Corbyn Besson- Corbyn and the boys were having a pool party, at first you were a little excited. Although the idea of you in a bathing suit was something you weren't a fan of it was fine because you were comfortable with the boys and you knew that you wouldn't be judged. But your attitude changed quickly when Corbyn had told you that it was going to become more of a party as there were more people coming over. 'Great' You thought to yourself.

At first you had told corybn that you weren't going to come anymore, telling him that you weren't really a party person and He knew that a lot of people in the same space caused you anxiety but he had promised to stay right by your side the whole night and that you two would leave if it all got too over whelming for you. With his puppy dog face and his "Please baby's" You couldn't say no to the boy you were helplessly in love with so you said yes.

You were now at the party, in a bathing suit and feeling extremely uncomfortable, you stood outside by the pool, having a conversation with Jacks girlfriend who you were extremely close too and Corbyn.

"Im gonna go get us a drink okay? Ill be right back" He smiled, kissing your cheek and leaving. You had continued the conversation with Jacks girlfriend until a guy walked up to you, right away you could smell the alcohol on his breath.

"Hey beautiful, why don't we go check out the rooms upstairs" He winked, the idea of throwing up had never sounded like a better idea.

"Um, I don't think her boyfriend would like that very much" Corbyn said coming back with two drinks in his hand, you looked him in the eyes, slightly thanking him for saving you.

"Eh its whatever. She's fat anyways" He chuckled, Cobyn put the drinks down and walked over to him.

"You might want to shut the fuck up" Corbyn snapped, his face red with anger.

"Oh yeah, and what are you gonna do if I don't?" The drunk man asked, stepping closer to Corbyn, who was now only inches apart from him. Corbyn brought his hand back, ready to punch the man when you grabbed it quickly and pulled him back. His eyes met yours and his face softened when he saw the tears threatening to fall.

"Its not worth it, please walk away" You told him, your voice breaking at the end. Jonah and the rest of the boys had heard what happen from Jacks girlfriend and all had rushed outside to see the scene that had just unfolded in front of you.

"Im gonna go get changed" You whispered, his eyes scanning yours before you let go of him and walked into the crowed house and up the stairs to Corbyns room where your overnight bag sat int the corner.

Once you had changed you decided to stay upstairs, not wanting any more social interaction for today, you had simply had enough. You were reading a book on your phone when the door opened and a still upset looking corbyn came walking in to see next to you.

"What he said wasn't true"He said, slightly gripping your chin and brought your face up to eye level.

"You are beautiful, inside and out. I love you y/n" He told you before bringing you into a kiss. He didn't need to give you some huge speech, the way he kissed you made you feel beautiful and honestly that was all you needed.

Maybe that guy didn't get to check out the rooms upstairs, but you and Corbyn did that night;).

_____

If you couldn't tell this imagine was about you struggling with your body. I wrote this because I know many people do, weather it be because you feel to big or too small. I personally struggle with body image issues and I know how it can effect people.

Im hoping that this made some of you feel better if you struggle with the same thing. But I just want you all to know that you are all extremely beautiful people!

[albionscastle]

First Impressions Part 3

I finally have a little bit of down time so I’m working on everything at once. 

I changed the name of the Jaina character to Maya....for personal reasons. As soon as I can I will go back to the other chapters and change her.

Kind of a filler chapter, Jack is attracted to Lizzie, Lizzie is attracted to Jack and neither one of them is happy about it.

FIC MASTERLIST

Fine Eyes

FINE EYES

LIZZIE “What an asshole! I mean seriously, what a stuck-up, holier than thou fucking douche canoe. How dare he look down on me. Fucking prick.”

Lizzie was on a roll, ranting as Maya sat quietly on her bed. She just couldn’t get over the gall of the man, his rudeness. Whipped up into a storm of self-righteous anger she managed to conveniently forget that her feelings were hurt. The twinge of disappointment she felt was covered now by fury at the way he’d talked to and about her.

He didn’t know her, so who the hell was he to have an opinion about her looks, or her character, or her choice of language for that matter.

Sitting down with a huff on her own bed, Lizzie looked over to see the far away smile on her sister’s face. Some of the wind blew out of her sails as other events of the day returned to the forefront of her mind.

“Tom was certainly lovely, wasn’t he?” she said with a smirk, watching Maya’s eyes light up. “And handsome, charming, all the good things.”

“Do you think so? I hoped it wasn’t just me. He really is so sweet and funny.”

“And sexy, which always helps.” Lizzie laughed as Maya lowered her head bashfully.

“I can’t believe he sat next to me for so long.”

“I can, that man didn’t take his eyes off you from the moment you were introduced. He’s smitten.”

“Oh Lizzie, he is not, don’t be silly.”

“Of course he is, who wouldn’t be smitten with my smart, kind and gorgeous baby sister? I bet Mom is looking at fonts for the wedding invitations right now...OOMPH!”

The pillow that Maya threw hit Lizzie square in the face as both girls laughed.

“I’m sorry Jack was such a dick to you. Maybe he was having a bad day?”

“Don’t sweat it, it’s not worth the effort to worry about it anymore.”

“Still, it was really wrong of him to say what he did.”

“Yeah. But it just, if it wasn’t me he was talking about it wouldn’t seem so bad. It’s not the first time I’ve been insulted. Remember Kevin from high school? He used to call me fog light because I was so pale.”

That guy was an ass.”

“Yeah, and I loved him right up until graduation. So Jack’s opinion doesn’t blip on my radar.”

Maya just looked at her as if to say ‘whatever’ and Lizzie shrugged, determined not to let it get to her any longer. Switching off the light, both girls settled down, Maya no doubt thinking about Tom and all his considerable charm. She tried to get comfortable but for her own part, try as she might, she couldn’t get Jack’s words out of her head. As Maya’s breathing evened out, Lizzie couldn’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy, and then self-recrimination. She’d felt hope when she bumped into Jack that day, a spark of attraction and his disdain had flattened her. She wasn’t his type. She wasn’t anyone’s type. As she drifted off to sleep, Lizzie admitted what she would only ever admit to herself….

That she was lonely.

JACK

“I can’t believe you Jack! Did you have to be such a prick?” Tom stormed through the door that joined their rooms.

Jack looked up from his book, irritated at the interruption.

“Ye ever hear o knockin?”

“Fuck you, mate.” Tom sat on the chair, obviously not about to go anywhere. “That was really low, even for you.”

In honesty, Jack had already come to the same conclusion, he had acted like an asshole and the poor girl hadn’t deserved that. But he also didn’t take too kindly to being reamed out by his younger friend and his hackles rose.

“Tom, fer fuck’s sake, did ye no see the whole thing was a fucking set up?”

“I knew Ben had daughters, jack. He told me, and he warned me about his wife, who by the way is by all accounts a very lovely woman. I was hoping for a set up because Carl had told me all about Maya and Lizzie and I was hoping to hit it off with one of them. Your fucking performance may have just ruined any chance of that.”

“Good. Tom do ye really wantae involve yerself wi some girl from the other side o the world?”

“If she’s the right one then fuck yes. And Maya is amazing.”

“She’s gorgeous yeah, but what could ye possibly have in common?”

“Turns out, a lot. You find that sort of thing out when you talk to women instead of treating them like objects. You should try it.”

“I’ll pass, I donnae need tae know anythin more than I already do.”

“Like you’d get a chance to now, Lizzie is likely to kick you square in the balls if she sees you again.”

Jack winced inwardly, knowing he would deserve it.

“Well good thing I won’t be seein her again then, me balls will stay intact. Go tae sleep Tom, go dream yer pretty conquest and leave me be.”

“Jack, one day you are going to meet someone who will make you realise that Lisa was nothing,  and I hope to God you don’t treat her the same way you just treated Lizzie Bennet. No one wants to grow old alone, not even you.”

Once Tom had left, Jack threw the book aside no longer interested in reading. He had a point, not that Jack would ever admit it. He was an ass, and he made a point of pushing people away. Except for the women who offered him nothing but a few hours of their time. Admittedly he had become adept at escaping into meaningless sex with whoever was offering. They used him as much as he used them and he still felt empty.

For the past few months though he hadn’t even indulged in that form of escape. Maybe he was extra irritable because he needed to get laid. He was fooling himself if he thought that was the case, he was a prick even when he was getting laid. He never called, never stayed, never bothered to even learn their names.

He was secretly heartily ashamed of himself.

That being said, even if he wasn’t a cunt, that night’s ‘adventure’ would still have  been met with derision. The family was a joke, he cringed at the thought of Chloe Bennet’s shrill admonishments, and the  gleam in her eye when Tom had been so struck with Maya. That look was exactly why he’d sat next to Ben rather than give into the momentary temptation to take the seat Lizzie had offered. He didn’t want the woman to get any ideas about him. The girls themselves he just didn’t understand, obviously several of them were adopted or something, but a more rag tag group he’d never seen. Lizzie and Maya seemed relatively normal but the other three, well they run the gambit from punk to nun to tart and he just didn’t even want to understand it. They were weird and he didn’t want anything to do with people who might embarrass him in the public eye.

It was just a shame that Lizzie Bennet had such big pretty eyes, he thought as he nodded up.

LIZZIE

More than three weeks went by before Lizzie even had to think about Jack Lowden again and in her opinion it wasn’t long enough. She was still salty, but she kept quiet about it for Maya’s sake. Tom had become a fixture at the house when he wasn’t needed on set, much to her mother’s glee and delight. Lizzie was happy for her sister, anyone with half a brain could see that Tom was completely gone on her. She deserved to be happy, Maya was the best of them, Lizzie couldn’t fault her choice as she already adored Tom.

Tom’s friends though were a whole different story. Jack notwithstanding, (pretentious bastard) their female co-star was apparently an old friend, a stunning woman in her early thirties who treated the whole family as if they were peons beneath her notice. Except for Maya, caro was all over Maya in a way that made Lizzie ill, but her sister wouldn’t hear a bad word about the woman. Rather than cause an argument, Lizzie had simply stood back, her feelings on the matter secondary to Maya’s happiness.

Coming home from work to find Tom, Caro and Jack in her backyard, however, was not something she could easily hide her displeasure at. It looked like her mother had decided on an impromptu party for Kate’s birthday, which Lizzie knew her sister would loathe.

Sure enough, she found Kate hiding in the kitchen as she snuck into the house.

“How did this happen?” Lizzie picked up the dish that Kate was pulling down from the cupboard and piled it on the others.

“Mom decided to have Dad pull out the grill and then Tom came by, so he invited Jack and Caro, then the neighbors started showing up.”

“I’m sorry kiddo, I know you hate the fuss.”

“Doesn’t matter. I’m 18 now so I can finally do what I want.”

“Your plan still to go to the Carmelites?”

“I leave in a week, haven’t told Mom yet.”

“You probably should, Katie, she’s going to be hurt if you don’t.”

“She’s going to be upset.”

“Yes, but it’s not a secret that you want this, and she’ll get over it. She loves you and she’s going to understand that you have to do what’s right for you.”

“What do you think about it?”

“I think that you were never meant for this world, not like that anyway.”

“You always did understand Lizzie.”

“Because I’m the best sister ever.” Lizzie laughed. “I got you something.”

Kate teared up as she opened the small package to see a delicate gold cross, a tiny birthstone for each member of the family dotted along its length.

“Lizzie, it’s beautiful.” “So you don’t forget your other sisters in your new home.”

“Girls!” Chloe came in the door, her shrill voice making Lizzie wince. “Stop lollygagging about and get out there. What will our guests think?”

“That we don’t want them here and they should go home.” Lizzie muttered as she walked toward her room to change.

“I heard that Lizzie! You never know who Tom might know so you need to make a good impression.”

“Because so far his friends are such stand up guys, right mom?”

“I admit I can’t stand that Jack fellow, but he may know someone else who’s eligible. Besides don’t you want to prove that you are better than that Scottish prick?”

“Mom!” Lizzie had never heard her mother talk that way.

“No-one insults my girls, I don’t care how famous, rich or whatever they are.”

Lizzie felt a wave of love for Chloe and pulled her into a hug.

“I love you Mom.”

“I love you too, now go show him what he’s missing out on.”

There was no way she cared what that asshole thought of her. No way at all. Still, Lizzie found herself pouting over the frizzy mess her hair was as she tried to tame it. And she pulled out a white top she’d never worn because it was cut too low. She just wanted to look nice after a day sweating in a kitchen covered in flour. That was it. She didn’t give two shits about what anyone else thought.

She managed to avoid everyone except Kate for at least a couple of hours, much to her relief. Not much of a people person to begin with, Lizzie found socializing difficult when she was tired and even more so when she wasn’t fond of the company. For once there had been relatively few issues, and after her quiet talk with Lydia about her lack of clothing, the afternoon had gone smoothly.

Despite Kate’s protests, torches had been lit and music rang forth from the deck. Several guests were dancing and some were even playing ‘soccer’, Charlie included. Lizzie was making her way over to them when his Dad stopped her short.

“Lizzie my girl, we haven’t seen you in ages. Here, young man, trust me couldn’t find a better dancer in this town.”

Lizzie groaned inwardly as he pulled her to where he stood next to the one person she wanted to avoid more than anything. Acknowledging Jack with a nod, she tried to move away, but Mr. Daniels’ grip was vice-like on her arm.

“You know I don’t dance, not since Charlie broke my wrist that time.”

“Jack here says he doesn’t dance either, but honestly, you won’t find a prettier girl in all Chicago to dance with with.”

In his defense Lizzie saw that Jack was as uncomfortable as she was as they looked at the people dancing. There was no way in hell that she was going to grind her ass against some guy’s crotch like that, least of all his.

Jack cleared his throat, cheeks pink.

“I mean…..would ye like tae dance at all?”

The pity ask just made her irritated, after what he’d said why would he even think for a moment she would dance with him?

“Thanks but I’m going to go play soccer, I don’t feel like dancing.”

She made sure she was polite, kept a pleasant smile on her face. No-one would ever be able to accuse her of being rude. Walking off though she could feel his eyes on her, a trend that continued as the game progressed. From time to time she would look over to where he stood, usually with a scowling Caro at his side, to see him watching her, face infuriatingly blank.

“So Lizzie-bean, what’s with you and the Scot?” Charlie had his arm around her as they sat on the swing, the game declared a draw.

“What the hell are you talking about, butt-wad?” the bastard was still staring, even when she met his gaze defiantly.

“He hasn’t taken his eyes off you all night, there something I should know?” he waggled his eyebrows, earning him a punch on the arm.

“He’s just trying to intimidate me. I must have hurt his tiny man-feelings when I said no to dancing with him earlier.”

“Bitch are you nuts? Why would you say no that?”

“He’s all yours if you want him, Charlie. The guy is a prick.”

“Baby I’d take him in a heartbeat, just thinking about what those hands would do…”

“Ewwww gross. I do not want the image of that man doing anything in my head. Fantasize silently for fuck’s sake.”

It was close to midnight before the party finally broke up, thankfully so because Lizzie was dead on her feet. Grabbing the soccer ball she snuck away from the goodbyes, aiming for the shed, coming up short when she saw the shadowy figures locked in a passionate kiss against the wall.

Damn Maya, go get him, she chuckled to herself as she backed away to give them some privacy, slamming straight into Jack.

Fuck.

“Have ye seen Tom?”

The man couldn’t even be friendly. Asshole.

“He’s ummmm, a little busy right now.” she turned, realising too late that Jack hadn’t stepped back when  she ploughed into him.

For a microsecond everything stopped, the clean, spicy smell of him invaded her nose and her eyes landed on his hands. The image of those fingers on her neck as he pushed her against the wall and his mouth against hers, flooded into her brain and out again, leaving a surge of pure desire in its wake.

Jesus fuck, no. No way this was going to happen.

The moment passed, Lizzie was pretty sure Jack hadn’t noticed a thing so she made her escape, stalking into the house.

“I hate you, Charlie.” she muttered as she closed the door behind her, resolving to never think about Jack Lowden again.

JACK

How Tom had managed to talk him into coming to this party was a mystery. For three weeks he’d been able to avoid every invitation he’d extended, using ‘learning lines’ as an excuse. Tom knew it was bogus but he left Jack to it. Caro on the other hand was thrilled to spend time with the Bennets, mainly so she could bitch about them to a sympathetic ear afterwards.

Jack never bothered to tell her to stop, he just zoned her out as he had done for years. The only time his ears ever perked up was when Lizzie was mentioned, much to his irritation. Where Caro seemed to dote on Maya, she loathed Lizzie Bennet and made so secret of it. Her hair was too ginger, too curly, her skin too pale. She was barely civil, always coming home covered in flour, never showing Caro the respect she felt she deserved. It was petty and mean, but he never saw fit to put a stop to it. He didn’t want to care about the woman who’d so firmly put him in his place, without so much as a word. It still hurt his ego.

And yet, here he stood in said woman’s family backyard with a beer in his hand, wondering what the fuck he was doing, and where she was. An uncomfortable hour passed, Chloe Bennet shot daggers at him and Caro kept whispering in his ear about bad breeding and trash. Tom was so caught up in Maya he had no real idea what was going on.

Then Lizzie arrived.

He knew she worked as a baker so the white dust coating her was no big deal, despite Caro’s smug “I told you so.” He felt an unwanted twinge of disappointment as she went straight into the house, seemingly irritated with the whole thing. Finding himself watching the door for her he went and helped Ben on the grill, disgusted with himself.

He had to admit Ben was a stand-up bloke, simple in his love for his girls and his sports. Jack could respect that. They were discussing the rugby world cup when Jack noticed Lizzie reappear with bowls of salad. He couldn’t help but admire her, hair loose making her eyes look huge. The shirt she wore was cut just low enough to make him swallow, imagining the curves that teased, just out of reach.

Well shit.

A few hours passed, his time spent mostly with Caro or Ben. Lizzie didn’t come near him, which gave him ample opportunity to watch her. The she loved her family was obvious from every interaction, even when she pulled Lydia aside and had her go change. She did it in such a way that no-one but him noticed, sparing the girl any embarrassment. Even her mother was dealt with, an affectionate eye-roll and a hug to quiet her when she started on a tangent about getting her girls settled.

��Could that girl’s shirt get any lower? She looks almost as cheap as that other one.” Caro was in his ear again.

He refrained from pointing out that her halter showed off far more skin that Lizzie’s shirt. That he knew she’d worn it for his benefit made him doubly determined not to point out the difference. Caro was a shark and Jack wasn’t about to let himself get caught in her teeth.

When dancing began out of nowhere he cringed, noticing how quickly young couples started bumping and grinding on one another. He wasn’t a dancer at the best of times, but what passed for dancing in the States just….there was no way. An older gentleman approached him as he twisted open another beer, introducing himself as Lizzie’s friend’s father. He seemed pleasant enough, though he seemed to thoroughly approve of what passed for dancing.

“You younguns have it better than we did.” he chuckled. “We would have been thrown out of any establishment if we’d tried dancing like this.”

“I prefer swing.” Jack answered honestly. “Back when dancing involved some skill and thought.”

“Ah, an old soul. I bet you like Sinatra and old movies.”

“Ye’d be right.”

“Young Lizzie can dance like that, she used to fly that one did.”

“Used tae?”

“Not since…..Ahh Lizzie!”

She looked perturbed as she was all but dragged in front of him and offered up as a potential partner. Her cheeks flushed as she brushed it aside, something about Charlie breaking her wrist. He found himself, just for a moment imagining taking her out there, pressing up against her...rolling their hips together.

The stumbled invitation was out of his mouth before he could stop it, his own cheeks going pink as she looked both surprised and amused. Even with him she was firm but kind in her refusal, preferring to go play football instead. Against his own will he watched her, unable to take his eyes off of her.

Over and over he told himself the same thing. She wasn’t his type. Her family was nuts. She was just some random girl from a backwoods, mouthy and probably not even willing to really do anything other than what she already did. A million reasons why he should look away. Until she looked, caught him staring, and those gorgeous eyes of hers flashed with annoyance.

He couldn’t look away.

“God, how much longer do we have to stay here? I feel like I’m surrounded by rednecks.”

Jack wouldn’t have gone that far, in fact the simplicity of the event rather appealed to him, even if the company didn’t. He didn’t give Caro’s bitchiness the attention she wanted, not even acknowledging she’d spoken and instead sipping his beer as he watched Lizzie kick the ball.

“I see you’re having a marvelous time, Jack.” she cooed snidely. I bet you’re hoping we don’t get roped into any more podunk soiree’s like this.”

“Actually I’m no havin a bad time. I was just thinkin about how pretty the Bennet girl is.”

Caro made a sound like a strangled seal.

“Really? I wouldn’t have thought she was your type.”

“I guess ye thought wrong.”

He didn’t bother watching her walk away in a huff, instead he went and found Tom, enjoying his and Maya’s conversation until the evening began to wind down. Helping Ben put chairs away, Jack lost sight of Tom and found himself looking around aimlessly. Lizzie came around a corner looking preoccupied, and this time he didn’t mind in the slightest when she bumped into him.

Have ye seen Tom?”

Honestly, he had nothing, he was tongue-tied, for some reason he just couldn’t talk to this woman. She was stuttering about Tom being preoccupied, her cheeks were red and she wouldn’t look him in the eye.

This was going well. Not.

He had absolutely no control over this situation, and he hated it.

She was gone again before he knew it, disappearing inside and leaving him to wonder what the hell was going on.

It was late when they made it back to the hotel, Tom raving on about Maya and Caro snidely poking fun at every aspect of the evening. Especially Lizzie. Jack felt his jaw tic as she launched into a tirade against the younger woman. No aspect of her was left un attacked, from her hair to the way she laughed. Still he said nothing, his mind preoccupied with his own conflicted attraction to her and his dislike for her family and the whole lifestyle of the area he was in. Not to mention the fact that Lisa had fucked him over so thoroughly that he could only see this attraction as an annoyance, something to get over or fuck out of his system.

Somehow he didn’t think that the second option was going to be something that Miss Elizabeth Bennet would go for.

He was so irritated that he tossed and turned, unable to sleep as he wrestled with a mixture of lust and disdain. He was still awake when Tom came crashing through the door at 4am.

“Get up. There’s been a fire.”

[herdustisverypretty]

AND ANOTHER TAG THING {warning: strong and possibly strange opinions, LONG ASS RAMBLES (which most definitely include strong and possibly strange opinions), frequent oversharing}

tagged by the lovely Angel <3

1. If you could go backward in time, what would you do first? #2008 Log- Don’t pretend to not be bothered by HC and co’s behaviour and actually call them out on their shit. Note to self: You don’t owe anyone anything. #2009-2014 Log- Start homeschooling earlier. Maybe actually tell people how you felt too? You might have gotten a diagnosis, and thus the treatment that has drastically improved your life, sooner and you’d probably have a lot less scars. Maybe none. And also might not be immune to the effect of regular painkillers. Also maybe then you’d be able to just get said painkillers from the cupboard where they used to be instead of having to ask your mother permission on whether you can have some- at age 22- and having to swallow them there to prove you’re not hoarding them for later (cause that’s right, you did that once, ya dumb little bastard). #2012-2013 Log aka You STILL don’t owe anyone anything- Also do not engage with HS AT ALL. Just nip that one right in the bud. Don’t even go there. PTSD ain’t fun. Also do not allow HC to worm their way back in later. PTSD still ain’t fun.  Though then you probably wouldn’t have written that one VIXX story and not only was writing that story enjoyable (sometimes???? ... maybe?????????), that story did also apparently help a lot of people too...so... maybe don’t fix yourself for the sake of those people who told you your writing helped them through a lot of their own shit. **Particularly never forget the one person who said they hadn’t cried themselves to sleep a night since finding your story. Taking that back from someone is not a nice idea.  LOTS OF SHIT THAT BASICALLY MEANS: stop trying to kill yourself, dumbass. people aren’t lying when they say things get better. well, somewhat. also don’t let people take advantage of and abuse you. or maybe do a bit. because your suffering has helped others and that’s all that really matters right? BUT JUST A BIT. definitely not all of it cause that was Shite. 

2. Conversely, if you could go forward in time, what would you want to see? Dumb men (I was going to say ‘straight, white, cis, American’ men but realised I’ve seen other types of men also being equally idiotic, SO I GUESS JUST MEN) being deleted from all youtube comments please. Also maybe shut down tumblr. I think we’d all benefit from that tbh. Also while I’m at it, can we have a game similar to Pokemon GO but instead of catching Pokemon you catch hot anime bishies. Get exercise and also get five thousand hot boyfriends :D Also retaining the nickname feature. Because that’ll be entertaining. 

3. What’s your favorite word and why? I’ve always been fond of kerfuffle. It just sounds so cute and happy. A kawaii way to say you fucked someone’s shit up. Petrichor is also a DAMN FINE word. It sounds satisfying and the meaning is EVEN MORE SATISFYING. 

4. Hot chocolate with milk or with water? Toppings? Marshmallows? It tastes better with milk, but as I at times have more than 3 a day (since I don’t drink coffee and need caffeine), if I plan to have more than 2 I will make them with water. I believe I have already stated my opinion on marshmallows as well lmao. 

5. If you could change one thing about your favorite fandom, what would it be? Tbh delete all appreciation for my absolute NOTP. And no, I don’t actually mean Akashi/Furihata like most other Akashi/Kuroko shippers; I occasionally state I don’t particularly care for that ship, but I tend to just ignore it and its existence for the most part. Whereas my actual ‘I FUCKING HATE THIS’ ship, NOPE I WANT THAT OBLITERATED> DELETE ITS EXISTENCE. WIPE IT CLEAN OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH. This can also be said to apply to one particular person in said ‘FUCK NO’ NOTP. I have frequently expressed my disdain for this character, I do not make it a secret, so it should be no leap to assume who, and which ship, I’m talking about here. 

6. You now have the ability to permanently alter one character from any fandom. Who do you pick, and what do you change? -Lmao. Okay. Well, I’ll name some names after all then, shall I?  -Can I just. Completely erase Momoi’s existence from KnB entirely? Jfc I cannot fucking stand her one bit. The only redeeming quality of her very 2D, bland, and at times downright offensive character, is her desire for the GoM to be friends again. And I could live without that somewhat nice sentiment if it meant the remaining 99.9% of her shittiness was gone. I will never like her. -I can occasionally stand her in fanfiction if she does’t have a major appearance, and also if she’s not being monumentally annoying. And even then I don’t feel any issues with killing her off due to dislike of her canon characterisation. I could literally care less what happens to her. Harsh, maybe, but I personally feel she brings nothing of value to this series, and tbh it would be far better, and certainly less cringey, without her.  -I have essentially been awake for 3 days so this is probably said with much less delicacy than I would normally use, though regardless of insomnia-induced aggression levels, the base feeling is the same. 

7. What is your philosophy on life? (Is it pointless, is it meaningful, is it what you make it, etc…) I honestly don’t care about things such as ‘the meaning of life’. We’re never going to know who put us here, if anything did, or what we’re meant to do, if there is anything, or why we are here at all. Just do whatever you want. Everyone’s going to die and the sun will turn into a black hole and swallow the earth and the universe will ultimately end in a rather unpleasant manner anyway. As long as you’re not harming anyone’s way of life, do what ever you want I could care less.  (that got kinda dark... I guess that’s what happens when people ask philosophical questions)

8. Would you consider getting a tattoo? If you would, what would it be and where would you put it? -Well the first tattoo I ever planned on getting (decided upon when I was 15), and the one I still want to be my first, is my recently passed dog’s pawprint tattooed on my left wrist; where I used to frequently self harm. The original idea was to get a tattoo of something meaningful there that would remind me every time I went to hurt myself that there’s still reasons for living. I stopped self harming around the same time my dog died in 2015, and even though I didn’t really need the reminder to not hurt myself in that way, I decided that getting his pawprint (which I was given a print of when he passed) would be especially nice, and would serve as a reminder of things I survived, and should I ever need a reminder in the future. My plan is now to get his paw on my left wrist (where the majority of damage was done, as he was my first pet), and when my cat also passes (hopefully not for a while still), I will get her pawprint on my right wrist.  -In less meaningful directions, I’ve also wanted the Grey Warden’s emblem tattooed on me for the longest time. I’m thinking thigh in terms of placement. idek what it is about them, or about the DA series in general. I mean, being a Grey Warden is arguably (is it tho) kind of a shitty thing?? You don’t really want to aspire to that if you enjoy, idk, LIFE? But their tagline of ‘In war, Victory; In Peace, Vigilance; In Death, Sacrifice’ IDK BUT IT JUST GOT ME.

9. What’s your favorite headcanon? (Could be your own or someone else’s) Shit, I have A LOT. *These are all mine as well! (mostly lol) -One that I’m still fond of is the hc that Kuroko becomes sleepy after eating a lot (particularly sugary things) which is one reason he eats quite lightly, and that the GoM during Teikou would always be attempting to overfeed him because they thought it was adorable when he curled up in their laps and went to sleep.  -Another I came up with is Akashi not being allowed to play videogames (and probably also not watch much TV) after his mother died. Thus, the GoM (and later Rakuzan regulars, YES YOU TOO MAYU WITH UR LOVE LIVE RHYTHM GAMES) would bring in their DSs and PSPs to school to let him play them as a much needed break from all the pressure being put on him.  -Ideas conceived with 6ubblegum earlier such as Masaomi actually having an unrequited interest in Kuroko’s dad when they were younger, and obviously him becoming quite upset when Kuroko’s dad married Kuroko’s mother. We also came up with the idea that Masaomi and Shiori’s marriage was arranged by their parents for mutual family benefits and that the pair never cared much for each other, and also that Shiori was aro (also I angstily suggested ‘imagine her crying under her veil as she walked down the aisle tho’). Then I also suggested the idea of what if Shiori and Kuroko’s mother were friends, going on playdates with their sons (and also the humorous idea of them putting baby Akashi+Kuroko in matching dresses). So in the end, Masaomi has never been much interested in his own son, and the only person who cared about Akashi truly was his mother, who is now gone. Also Masaomi becoming understandably VERY opposed when Akashi begins dating Kuroko in school.  -Anything involving mentally ill GoM + others (though a chunk of these aren’t even headcanons and more: I am 100% convinced these characters actually have these conditions). Especially fond of self-harmer Akashi.  -Also literally any hc where any particular character is either aro, ace, or both. I reeaaaally love ace Kise actually.  -AGENDER REO!!!!! -I’ll end it with a somewhat nsfw one. The shameless guilty pleasure with 6ubble of Kise and Kuroko being known as the sluts of the Teikou. They’ve definitely boned all the regulars (including NIji) at least once. Probably more. definitely more

10. Do humans have souls? Do animals? I’ve been awake far too long for these kinds of questions XD UHHH in my personal belief I’ve always maintained the idea that all living creatures (this includes humans, as humans are primates) have a sort of.. living energy?? My belief is that once a creature dies, of its lifeforce/energy/soul/the magic keeping it alive/whatever you fancy calling it, the personality part (which I would say comes from the brain and is made up of memories and of course the individual’s unique personality) goes to a plane with other deceased energies (suppose you could call this heaven of a sort - tbh I always pictured it as kinda like the pyreflies in FFX), while the rest of the energy (which I would say comes from the heart and is, I guess, the emotions the individual has experienced through life) is recycled and returned to the earth to be used again. SOOO a sort of somewhat logical theory that combines both afterlife and reincarnation. I also think that the recycled energies can recognise other energies they knew in previous lives. Not in a literal sense, but more like, they might feel an inexplicable connection, be it between two people, a pet and a human, etc etc. I kinda like the idea of this also explaining real life cases of supposed ‘soulmates’. Two energies meeting that once knew each other and were compatible in a previous life (sounds really YA romance I know). This could also be potentially used to explain some conditions or mental illnesses. Recycled energy that previously had lots of negative experiences may be renewed as someone who is also troubled (blame ur disorders on your energy ancestors lmao). This could explain troubled people who have no family history of any similar experiences. IT ALL SOUNDS VERY FANTASTICAL BUT YE. This has all come together after years of viewing and researching many different spiritual beliefs and recounts of spiritual or other ‘incredible’ events, in an attempt to kind of merge everything into something that could potentially be real and/or believable. Idk if scientifically this would make any sense, but I feel it’s logical enough to suit me anyways. 

11. What’s your favorite holiday and why? Well I have mentioned I’m pagan before, sooooo, my answer to this will probably be weird? XD LONG AND BORING BACKSTORY TIME: I didn’t really become self identified as pagan until the age of 13-14, and before that I grew up typically celebrating Christian holidays (Easter, Christmas) despite my immediate family not being religious at all. I always saw these holidays as more just time to be with family than anything else. So I do still celebrate Easter and Christmas as I’ve grown up with them in a culture that celebrates them whether you’re religious or not. I guess Christmas was always my favourite? It’s roughly a month after my birthday, far enough that I get double presents, but close enough that there’s still lots of ongoing excitement. And growing up it was typically the only time each side of my family would all be together (we’d alternate, one year at my mum’s parents, the next at my dad’s). But as I’ve gotten older, and grandparents have died and families have drifted apart, I’ve become less interested in both Easter and Christmas, seeing them now more as just times to buy stuff for people when you really can’t afford to, and tbh now I find myself more drawn to things such as Samhain (also ref that if you have seen spn, they butchered the pronunciation. it’s more akin to ‘sah-ween’ it’s an Irish word I think, which explains everything tbh) in particular. Before last year I had never sought out other pagans in my area and thus was a bit lax in my celebration of sabbats, so when I actually started meeting up with other people in my city early last year, it actually really changed things for me (so emotional sobsob). The Samhain I celebrated with this group earlier in the year (as I’m in the southern hemisphere, Samhain for me is in May) was actually a really really special thing that I did. It also happened to coincide around the 2 year anniversary of my dog’s death, and as Samhain (which has become modern Halloween to most) is a day for celebrating loved ones who have died, it was just a really nice experience to think about my dog, as well as my grandmother who died 3 months before him.  THAT WAS A LONG, BORING, AND MUSHY WAY OF SAYING THAT BASICALLY: ‘pagan Halloween’ (tho that term doesn’t even make sense lmao) is actually really lovely and memorable compared to almost every other ‘traditional’ holiday of my life. 

Geez you just happened to ask all The Big Questions. And you literally went from 100 to 0 to 100 and then probably to 1000. Or maybe that was just me. I AM VERY TIRED AFTER VOMITING ALL THAT OUT. also my finger joints hurt. 

WELL, if you got all through that, here are my own questions, which I totally Did Not steal from other question memes already in existence. I’m definitely not lazy. No I’m actually just very tired lol. These are all going to be fandomy/OTPy questions because WE REALLY NEED SOME LIGHT CONTENT AFTER ALL THAT. Plus everyone loves talking about their fandoms and shit. 

1. A pairing you initially didn’t consider but someone changed your mind? 2. What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom? What fandom was it? 3. Your favourite fandom {for the people, not the thing you spazz over}? 4. Are there any fandom popular ships that you don’t like or just don’t get? Alternatively, are there any typically overlooked minor ships that you think are really underappreciated?  (hay this one i made up myself lol) 5. What was the first thing you ever contributed to a fandom? 6. What’s a popular romantic/sexual ship that you can only ever see as a brotp? (also me!) 7. If you had the chance to make your OTP canon, and your NOTP very clearly stated as ‘definitely not canon eVER’, how would you express this in your ‘new canon’? (i’m on a roll) 8. Which character is Daddy Material? (there’s always at least one, admit it) 9. Character you relate to and why? (please share all tragic similarities) 10. As either a reader, writer, or both!, what’s your favourite fanfic genre and/or tropes? Are there any you always stay away from? 11. Opinions on omegaverse (in any and all forms, ranging from early spn fics, to the surprising amount of BTS/kpop fics, or have you tried the Japanese manga take on omegaverse - or even.... Life From the Ashes)? 

Tagging: @6ubble-gum AGAIN LOL cause these are new questions and I want to see your answers | @the-chibi-sempai | @justsimplyl | @humanitys-shortest-soldier | @kelandry5 | @seijuurouus | @sugaless-coffee bro r u still alive | @kagabutt bcuz we still need to talk moar |

[awed-frog]

Snape is a fascinating character, but he used his position of authority in a school to take out all of his issues on the children theoretically under his care, which is a fundamentally unacceptable thing to do. If he'd been behaving that way towards adults who could get away from him, or stand up to him effectively, that would be different - but he was a terrible teacher, he bullied his students, and his actions damaged a lot of childhoods. A brave cause doesn't make up for that.

I hope the Snape ask didn’t sound too confrontational - basically what I’m saying is, it’s probably the children thing that makes most people take against him so much. It’s definitely why I dislike him so much. The small-scale cruelties are so instantly recognisable, and so pointless. He hated his life and he wanted to spread the misery around; and while there was a lot in his life to hate, it’s hard to have much sympathy when he took out his problems on kids.

I’m not defending what he did. As an adult, and someone who’s worked in schools for ten years, I consider his behaviour in the classroom pretty much inexcusable and unforgivable. What I was trying to say, on the other hand, is that JK Rowling created this beautifully layered character, and also - maybe it’s because I read the books as a grown-up, but I personally I could never truly hate Snape. We’re given quite an insight in his past and personality, and we know that his anger, his cruelty and his pettiness come from a deep, unhealed pain. To me, that’s enough not to excuse his behaviour, but to understand it - to feel, most of all, a huge wave of empathy for someone who could have been so much more if circumstances had been different. 

I’m always slightly disappointed when I see people hating Snape viciously and ferociously, because I think the HP books were masterful in giving us the opportunity to question our feelings and opinions, and learn the importance of compassion. Snape is unlike many villains in that 1) he’s not particularly attractive and 2) he’s not locked away in a cage and he doesn’t die heroically ten minutes after his terrible mistakes. And since I have a lot of feels about this, here goes.

So, the beauty aspect first - I’m trying to think of an antagonist who isn’t devastatingly handsome, and I’m having some trouble coming up with anyone. From Loki to Magneto all the way to Mark Pellegrino’s Lucifer, we’re pretty much used to being surrounded by beautiful, evil people - and, in fiction as in life, it’s inevitable that their good looks influence how we see their behaviour. Like, I know I’m bringing up this example twice a month, but I’m actually still not over the fact countless girls and women were apparently totally in love with Tate Langdon and ready to excuse everything he ever did - from raping his girlfriend’s mother to shooting down half his classmates - and that’s the most obvious case I can think of (aside from Christian Grey, probably) where good looks =I’ll adore you no matter what, because if Tate wasn’t played by stunningly gorgeous Evan Peters, would we be so ready to write steamy fanfiction about him and sigh ourselves to sleep daydreaming about his smile and dimples? And JK Rowling - she had the perfect opportunity to make Snape irresistible, didn’t she, because she was thinking of Alan Rickman was writing the character - only, she decided to steal Alan’s feels-inducing baritone and his commanding presence, and disregard everything else. Because book!Snape - one thing he’s not is attractive. So I’m wondering, you know, how many people found easy to hate him from the very beginning because of his oily hair and non-descript robes and hooked nose and yellowish skin - and I’ll always be happy Snape was mirrored, for a whole book, with ‘prince Charming’ Lockhart, who was everything Snape was not (the good and the bad). And when you pile Jewish stereotyping on top of that, you get the perfect old-fashioned villain - not majestic Tom Hiddleston pushing his raven locks back so he can smirk and kill without ruining his hairdo, but someone whose ailing, rotten soul allegedly shines through his body like a beacon, making him unlikable, sour, ugly. And to get over that - especially for children who’re used to heroes being good-looking - well - it would take some readjusting.

Also, 2) - antagonists are normally redeemed these days, because sequels and spinoffs and whatever, but even when they aren’t, it’s quite rare to see them live among us for twenty years or more. The pattern usually goes, ‘handsome yet tortured man gives in to anger and/or pain, kills thousands and/or steals precious artifact and/or dooms planet, is stopped by the pleas of his pretty yet ‘modern woman’ love interest and/or the manly begging of a ‘best friend’ he’d be screwing if tis was HBO, sees the error of his ways and/or loses control of the evil spell he’s assembling, chooses to save humanity/sacrifice himself/dies instead of carrying out his unholy projects’. 

(Really - find me one recent story that’s not like this.)

And the thing is, that’s not what happens IRL. IRL, when people have been hurt, that pain can last years and years and ruin everything in small, annoying, irritating ways. People aren’t normally given brave opportunities of redemption, and don’t change their ways after one tearful scene complete with soulful music. Like - of course Snape’s not nice to his students - he’s not nice to anyone. He’s not a good person. That’s the whole point of his character. He’s someone whose deep self-hatred and bottomless resentment at having been dealt a bad hand (because, well, he was) prevent him from letting go of the past and becoming a better person. Unfortunately, you see those people every day - they’re not those who lose control and kill, but, more often, those who ruin your day in a thousand petty ways - teachers who bully kids, construction workers who’re rude to women, colleagues who undermine each other, relatives who make passive aggressive remarks with a wide smile, husbands who belittle their wives and wives who badmouth their husbands. Many of us have enough deep-seated pain and insecurity that they end up dictating our behaviour from time to time - we’re angry at people for being younger than us, or prettier or happier or more successful, and fuck off, you never deserved that, you bitch - does that make us bad persons? I don’t know. That’s the question JK Rowling asked in creating Snape. Here is someone who’s risked his life for thirty years to prevent and fight and bring down a fascist dictator - but he wasn’t a pleasant person, and apparently made no effort to become better, or even decent. What do we do? Do we hate him? Do we admire him as a war hero? Do we understand him, feel sorry for him? There is no right answer, and the beauty of those books is that you see this happening again and again - look at Dumbledore, at Ron, at Harry himself - they’re not black and white characters. They’re real people, and those stories about them give us the space and safety we need to decide how to feel about it all, and how we want to act around real life people who may share traits with them.

So, well - personally, I used to be an angry person, and then I decided not to be any longer. I don’t see any point in hating people, even when they did terrible, unforgivable things, because that hatred doesn’t touch them - it touches me. It’s a weight I would need to carry around my neck every day of my life. Obviously I think Snape should have known better, but to be honest I’m more upset with his colleagues, with Dumbledore - why did they watch all that and do nothing? Them - the supposedly healthy, happy, well-adjusted people with loving families and a reasonable level of satisfaction with their own lives? No, Snape is someone who lived his whole life without a single friend, without someone who would care if he lived or died. He never moved on from his youth - never moved out of that castle that had been his refuge growing up - presumably, he was never invited anywhere, was merely tolerated in the staff common room as people frowned at him and wondered, had he really stopped being a Death Eater? That ugly, unpleasant, sarcastic man, way too smart for his own good? 

No, I see Snape as someone who never had any help, and he’s perhaps the only character in the books to be so completely isolated. For instance, if we compare his own big mistake (breaking off his friendship with Lily and turning on her) with Dumbledore’s big mistake (falling in love with Grindelwald) we see that some consequences are similar - as a result of those feelings, Lily and Ariana died - but everything else was different. Dumbledore, a talented, well-adjusted kid who’d made many friends at school, was surely pitied after his sister’s death - old professors probably did their best to find him a scholarship or an apprenticeship, and there was, we can be sure of it, a general sense of unfairness, of a poor orphan boy who’d suffered too much. Only Aberforth knew the truth - and Dumbledore was so ashamed he stayed away from his brother for years rather than facing that truth. Meanwhile, after Snape lost this person he considered the love of his life and his only real friend (a person he had betrayed and let down in the worst possible way), the only people he had to rely on were classmates who didn’t really like him - people like Lucius and Bellatrix, who would never see him as an equal because of his working class, half Muggle background, and goons who would have bullied him instead of being his ‘friends’ if Snape hadn’t been smart enough to defend himself. 

And finally - I know Harry reacts in anger when Hermione points out people make mistakes when they’re ‘only seventeen’, but the truth is, they do. Teenagers are biologically different from adults. They need more support, more social reassurance. They have extreme opinions, take braver, or crazier, decisions. In Snape’s case, because of the political situation, what could have been a six-month mistake turned into a life sentence. And the thing is, nobody ever forgave him - not even himself. As far as we know, Dumbledore left him pretty much alone when he was grieving for Lily - Snape sort of had to rebuild some kind of life on his own - he was stuck in a job he hated, living with people who despised him, teaching the siblings, and, later, children, of those classmates who’d spent their youth bullying him (and we only have Harry’s perspective on this - the opinions of someone who didn’t know anything about the Seventies - but can you imagine the rumors in other households? students would show up for Potions with their heads full of ugly tales). It’s likely Snape had PTSD, or nightmares, that he thought about his sins and crimes every time he took a shower and scrubbed his skin clean (because the tattoo wouldn’t be visible, not exactly, but would still sort of - flicker, from time to time, and wouldn’t Snape fear, every time, that Voldemort was finally coming back?). He probably didn’t have a single kind word spoken to him in twenty years. And, as I said above, none of this excuses his behaviour towards his students, but, really - I can’t bring myself to hate him. He did the job well enough all by himself.   

[averypearces-blog]

this is the start | quivery

TAGGING → @averypearces + @queeniefabray LOCATION → Avery’s basement TIME FRAME→ Monday after school, April 10, 2017 NOTES → It’s the first time they’re seeing each other after New York. They talk about her parents, his fight with Carter and their relationship.

Quinn was actually a little nervous to see Avery, which is something she had thought they were already past. But things were a mess, especially her, and she didn't know what to expect. She hadn't even thought about what she was going to say. Mostly they'd be playing catch up, she guessed, but aside from that she didn't have many expectations. She was looking forward to seeing him though, she had meant that when she said it. Already on his doorstep, Quinn did the usual; sent a text and waited for him to let her inside.

Avery felt surprisingly anxious about meeting up with Quinn today. It was weird - he usually didn't feel like this. But this was Quinn and things were going so... well, he didn't know and that was the strange thing about it. He was hanging out in the kitchen when his phone buzzed and he made his way towards the door. "Hey you," he said softly as he saw her outside, making space for her to come inside.

Quinn brushed her hair out of her face, suddenly feeling self-conscious. Clearly she still cared about his opinion, even if she liked to pretend she didn't care about anything anymore. "Hey," she said, staring at him for a moment. She had almost forgotten that he had broken his nose until she saw the proof. She bit her lower lip as she head inside, showing herself to his room - at this point she felt comfortable enough taking the lead. "How's it going?"

Avery took a moment to properly look at her. She looked... different. Not just her hair or style, but what she radiated. He could be wrong - and probably was - but she looked somewhat more insecure. He pressed a careful kiss to her cheek when she passed him and followed her down the stairs to his room. "It's not going too bad," he nodded to himself, sighing softly as he stepped closer. "How are you?"

Quinn shrugged. "I'm fine," though fine was the short answer. She had decided to finally go home tonight, which is something she'd been dreading ever since she made the decision. She pulled her sleeves over her palms, something she did when she was much younger when she felt weird or out of place. "I missed you," she said, because it was the truth and also because she wasn't sure what else to say.

Avery stepped closer again, reaching out to take her hand in his. Having to hold it over her sleeve wasn't the worst in the world. Fuck, it hadn't been long - how could he miss her so much? Pressing a small kiss to the side of her head, he let his cheek rest against the spot after. "I missed you too," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

Quinn gave his hand a small squeeze before letting her sleeve go so she could feel his hand against hers. She wrapped an arm around his waist, and closed the remaining gap. "It's okay," she said quietly in reply, closing her eyes for a moment while she enjoyed the closeness. "I'm sorry too," she added, lifting her head to look up at him.

Avery found himself smiling as she squeezed his hand, intertwining their fingers as soon as it became a possibility. Just being close to her made things feel easier. Seriously? Fuck her for making him feel things. "Don't be. It's okay too," he mumbled, tilting his head down. It didn't take him a long time to lean in, pressing his lips against hers softly.

Quinn had a small smile on her lips now too, feeling a little more confident now. They could get past this, and she had known that they would, but it was nice for things to slowly go back to how they were. She carefully returned the kiss, tilting her head more than she typically does to avoid his nose - just as a precaution. "So do you want to tell me what happened?" she asked, pulling away only slightly.

Avery felt pretty satisfied seeing Quinn smile. Even if it was small, it was still a victory. Now it was his turn to squeeze her hand. The kiss was sweet and soft, and he liked it. He liked it a lot. His right hand found it's way to rest on her hip, careful not to bump it into something. Was he gonna regret it? Probably. But it was worth it for now. "Mm, sure. What exactly do you want to know?" he mumbled. "I like your hair, by the way."

Quinn wasn't even sure what she wanted to know. Part of her didn't want to know any more than she did, simply because it was possible she could be annoyed by the entire situation all over again - but she was going to try to be patient. They already said their sorries and there was no reason to have to go back now. It was something she'd have to remind herself at least once more. "Thanks," she said, half bashful. "It was a little impulsive, I'll admit. I was pretty upset at the time and... it seemed like a good idea?" it was said more of a question than a statement. "But I don't know. Just - what happened? How did it happen? I still don't really know the whole story, so."

Avery rubbed his thumb over the back of her hand, nuzzling his head closer to hers. "You carry it well," he confirmed. Being able to point to the cheer captain and say 'that's my girl' had been pretty neat, but as long as she was his he was okay. And a pink haired mess? At least she could be a mess with him. "Uh, well... I was on my way to McDonald's - as you know. He followed me. Said I had fucked something up. Never what. We argued, he shoved me, I shoved him. I punched him, he punched me. It went on until I told him to get off me. It's still... very vague for me? I don't know. He never really told me why he was angry," he felt like he wasn't making sense - he probably wasn't. "Still haven't seen your parents?"

Quinn rolled her eyes - not at Avery, but in hearing him retell things and realizing just how much of an idiot Carter really was. Not that she was ever surprised when he did something stupid, but this was beyond that. "No," she answered his question first, "I'll go home later and deal with them then," she said, before adding "Or they'll deal with me, I guess," with a dry laugh. "God, he's such a fucking moron," she said, going back to the other subject at hand. "You didn't fuck anything up, but I'm assuming he's blaming you for what I got in trouble for," she said with a soft sigh. "I guess while I was in Miami, my mother went rummaging through my room for whatever reason and, keep in mind she's literally never done this before," she interjected herself, feeling stupid for even letting this happen, "She found a joint and, even worse probably, she found this journal I kept when I was a freshman," she rambled, talking quickly because she was slightly embarrassed. She only knew that because she could feel a warmness in her cheeks. "I wrote about you - I was fourteen, okay, t.v. told me that all girls kept a journal, so," she said defensively, "She confronted me and I talked back and," she was shaking her head now, "It didn't end well. They grounded me from going to New York and obviously I went anyway and now this," she gestured to her appearance. "I don't know."

Avery nodded softly, untangling his hand from hers for a moment to move some hair behind her ear. "That's... probably a good idea? I don't know. Dealing with parents isn't one of my talents," he shrugged as he began slowly leading her towards the back of the room, closer to the bed. "Yeah, okay. That makes more sense," he sighed. Carter being mad at him suddenly made more sense. He had been the one smoking with Quinn. And he had done his deal in fucking up her freshman year. But they were moving on. It wasn't fair for the world to being catching up to them now. Avery grabbed her hand again giving it yet another squeeze, unsure what exactly to say. "That's, uh..." a lot. Overwhelming. Nearly impossible to answer. "I'm not really sure what to say. I'm sorry you had to go through this. I'm sorry for creating another problem for you. I don't know either."

Quinn kind of felt like crying, but not necessarily because she was sad. More so because she felt stressed and wished all of it would go away on it's own. She wasn't the best at dealing with problems, mostly because she never really had them before. Being the picture perfect prom queen type who always did what her mother and father told her to do had those advantages. Advantages she no longer had. "You don't have to apologize, and you didn't create any problems. I'm the one creating all the problems, and not just for me but for you too," she said, her hand that was around his waist now on his cheek. She was frowning slightly. "I'm the worst."

Avery carefully placed his forehead against hers, running his thumb in circles on her hand as he attempted to be the calm one in this. She needed him right now and he wanted to be there for her - he really did. "You're not," he whispered, sending her a small, reassuring smile. "You just... have a lot going on. Expectations are hard to deal with," he mumbled as he pulled away, sitting down on bed only to pull her into his lap. "I may not have all the answers or even be decent at it, but... I'm here for you, you know?"

Quinn smiled slightly. "I kind of am though," she protested under her breath, moving with him. "I know you are," she said, now in his lap, her arms wrapped loosely around his neck. "And I appreciate it," she said, before giving him a careful kiss. She felt a lot in this moment; not just with everything going on, but for him. She's never trusted him more than she did right now, and she felt better just being with him. "I like you a lot, Avery," she mumbled, before pressing another soft kiss to his lips. She felt bad for him having to deal with all of this, but she was thankful that it seemed like he wasn't going to stop seeing her. Or maybe he would, after tonight. Who could know.

Avery shook his head again, disagreeing completely. "Please, you could never be the worst," he insisted, happy that she was here and that they were okay. Maybe not with everything else, but with each other. Having a broken nose sucked. Not being able to kiss her properly sucked - not that this moment needed anything but soft kisses. They were alright like this. "I like you a lot too," he started mumbling before her lips had fully left his and it didn't take long to lean in for another. "And I was thinking..... maybe waiting for a perfect moment is stupid," he started but cut himself off to press another kiss to her lips. "We're practically together. And now we're here, in person. Can we start just being together, period?"

Quinn rolled her eyes, but she was grinning. "I think this is the point where I shut up and take it," she said. It was nice to hear him say that he liked her too; she'd probably always be someone who needed validation. She kissed him back each time, feeling genuinely happy for the first time in days. She raised a brow slightly as she listened to him, pulling away, but only just. "Does this mean I'll be able to call you my boyfriend and it'll be actually true?" she asked, attempting to sound less excited than she was.

Avery gave a short nod, confirming that it would absolutely be for the better. As she pulled away, his body followed along for a second. He didn't really want her gone right now - even if it was just a few inches. Fuck, when did he become so affectionate? It didn't really matter. Her voice made a smile appear on his lips - she sounded... happy? "It does, yes. I mean. I've been calling you my girlfriend for a while now and it'd be nice if it was actually true. I'd like it to be."

Quinn didn't answer immediately - instead she pressed another kiss to his lips, probably not as softly as she should've. "Okay," she smiled against his lips, "It's about time," she added in between kisses. So maybe some stupid, not great stuff had happened. At least there was good stuff happening too. She could deal. Especially if she had someone as great as Avery by her side while she did.

Avery immediately responded to the kisses, tilting his head slightly as he did. "Okay," he agreed, mumbling it against her lips instead of actually pulling away. He had missed her - and he had missed kissing her. Instead of saying anything, he just hummed in agreement and rested his good hand on her neck, smiling softly into the kiss. They were doing this. They were actually doing this and he was sure, it would be great.

Quinn pulled away abruptly, a realization hitting her. "Wait," she said, a slight smile on her lips as she reached into the pocket of her jacket. She pulled out a keychain, one of those keychains that you can find in any major city that had names on them too. "I couldn't find Avery or Beckett," she explained, presenting it to him. "But they had Quinn, so I went with that," she shrugged a little. "I know it's nothing cool or super snazzy, but," she shrugged again.

Avery did as she told him - waited. And when she pulled out the key chain, yet another smile spread on his lips. He accepted it, closing his hand around it before leaning up to press a small kiss to her cheek. "Well, damn me for having such a dumb name," he sighed softly. "You know, I think I prefer this over Avery or Beckett anyways," he shrugged and once again (how many times had he even done this just today? Too many, probably) leaned in to steal a kiss. "It's plenty cool and snazzy for me. I like it a lot."

Quinn scrunched her nose a bit. "Your name's not dumb. Neither of them," she said, pleased with her gift of choice since he seemed to genuinely like it. "Surprisingly enough, they didn't have Romeo either. Ridiculous, right?" she questioned rhetorically. She smiled into the kiss, her hands gently place down on both sides of his face. "I'm glad you like it," she said, giving him another quick kiss.

[wellmeaningshutin]

Short Story #91: Late Bloomer.

Written: 4/9/2017                                                                            Music Week Song Listened to Before Writing: LCD Soundsystem - Us V Them

When Deborah was young, her mother, a former soap opera actress who spent most of her time drinking wine in the den and stewing in anger over being killed off and out of work, wold tell Deborah that she was “too ugly to be worth anyone’s time” or that she was “too ugly to even play an unattractive person on television, and the only way [she] could get an acting job would be to take part in an art house horror movie”. Deborah never wanted to act, mainly since she hated her mother and wanted to be as different as possible, but her mother was constantly suspicious of her, paranoid that her little girl would become a bigger star than she had been if she tried, a blow to her ego that she would be unable to handle. The girl never knew that this was the reason her mother was so cruel to her, but if she knew it probably wouldn’t make things better, the words would still cut deep. Although, its possible she wouldn’t have believed that she was so unbearably unattractive, its possible that she would have pursued an acting career, just to spite her mother, but instead her self esteem was as low as could be, and she mostly tried to hide away during the years of adolescence, spending school breaks locked up in bathroom stalls, making sure to sit in the back of every class, always suspicious of boys who would show an interest in her, spending most of her free time at home, under her blankets, wishing that she was dead.

She wasn’t unattractive, but she wasn’t attractive either, it was as if she was just as middle of the road as somebody could look, completely inoffensive, safe. Some guys would think of her as “somebody you would only try to hook up with when you were drunk, but who you also wouldn’t regret in the morning”. These neutral looks, that were difficult to form an actual opinion on, was a reason why it was so easy for her to believe her mother, since she wasn’t pretty enough to call bullshit. Her looks were also a reason that her neighbor, from several houses down, a young man named Arty, was secretly in love with her. Now, Arty was definitely attractive enough to be considered out of Deborah’s league, and he was very likable and social, but he had a performance issue with attractive girls, who seemed to throw themselves at him, because they put too much pressure on him. Arty had to wait until puberty struck to become attractive, but he was never able to grow out of his unattractive mindset, making attractive girls almost threatening to him, he couldn’t understand that they were attracted to him as much as he was attracted to them, so he felt a need to have to do better than normal, and would always stress himself out to the point where he was flaccid and crying about how it was too much for him. Deborah, on the other hand, seemed to be no such challenge for him, and seemed likely to be pressure free.

Maternal insults clouded the girl’s judgment, so even as she stared at the neighbor boy through her second story bedroom window, willing to do anything to be with him, she never realized that he had felt the same way about her. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how much he tried to talk to her, or make excuses for them to hang out, one on one, she would never fully listen, and would instead hear her own mother’s words. During their senior year, he literally told her, “Hey, some girls have been strongly hinting that they want me to ask them to prom, but I wanted to see if you would like to go with me instead. I know I’ve been pestering you a lot about going on dates, but I just wanted to make sure that I asked one last time, the old college try as my old man calls it. If you say no, I guess I’ll take the hint and leave you alone.”

Instead, she heard, “Look, I feel bad that you had to be born looking like the doctor accidentally stepped on your face when you slid out of your mother, so I wanted to ask you to prom as charity. Don’t expect anything real to come out of this, because you’ll mostly be my date in title alone. And, right when we arrive at the dance, I’m going to abandon you to hangout with my real friends, since I’m really just using you so that I can feel good about myself. You don’t think you can compare to the girls I get, right? I hope you wouldn’t be so insane to actually think that you would have a chance with me, because I swear that would be something I would have nightmares about if I ever thought of you, but I only remembered that you existed, right now, because I just happened to bump into you. I don’t even know your fucking name. If somebody asked me, ‘Hey, do you know blah blah blah?’ I would ask who the hell they’re talking about, and then I���d say that they were probably some worthless, fucked up looking person, because that name made me throw up in my mouth alone. When I heard that name, I- hey, don’t fucking look me in the eyes, that’s only going to make me fucking angry. Now where I before you made me want to put your face in a lawn mower, just so it would be easier to look at. Oh yeah, when I would hear the name, I bet I would smell something awful, like an egg salad sandwich that was left in a hot, metal shed for an entire Summer. Now get out of my way before I do us all a favor and push you into traffic.” A lot of that interpretation came hours, even days, after they talked, mostly existing in her imagination, because it seemed like she must have been crazy to think that he might actually had been interested in her, and she had to try to set the record straight.

Years later, when she and the guy were both in college, Deborah had, in a fit of intense depression, decided to drink half a bottle of gin and drive her car into a tree, in an attempt to kill herself. It seemed to her that so many people at her school were happy, were exploring their social lives, finding themselves, and she just felt like she was ruining everyone’s fun, she felt as if she was a dysfunctional human, broken inside and out, and that it would be better for her to die already, just so nobody would have to deal with her bullshit. However, the crash hadn’t killed her, she was too drunk to realize when the impact happened, was just limp enough to survive the impact, even if the shattered gin bottle (that was in her hand) and a protruding tree branch had mangled her face beyond recognition. When she was first told about this she was worried that it was going to cause her to become more deformed than ever, requiring her to actually have to hide her face whenever she would dare to go outside, but when the plastic surgeons had done their part, and the bandages came off, she was shocked to learn that she looked outrageously beautiful.

For the first couple days she wondered if she had died during one of the procedures, wondered if this was heaven instead of real life, but then she figured that if heaven was real, then there would have to be a god, and no god would be cruel enough to give her the face that she had known for a majority of her life.

When Deborah was finally out of the hospital, where she spent her recovery time staring in a mirror and making faces at herself, she decided that the first thing she would have to do would be to rub her new looks in on her mother, who didn’t bother to visit the girl since the suicide attempt. When she arrived at her childhood home, she found her mother drunk, unable to even get up from the living room couch, watching old episodes of the show she used to be on, watching the younger version of herself that had been unfairly exiled (the reason the gave her, which was the real reason, was that she was a terrible person to be around, and it seemed like she was going out of her way to put down and anger the entire cast, crew, producers, and even some of the fans, making her impossible to work with, but she just believed that one of her female co-stars was sleeping with a producer, and just wanted to get the mother out of the way, so that she could steal her spot on the show). After noticing the girl who was standing over her, the mother only asked, “Who the hell are you?”

“Its me, your daughter.”

“Bullshit.”

“Remember that accident I got in, the one that you never cared about. Remember when I was in the hospital for months and you never once visited me? Well, I have a new face, I’m still your daughter.”

Deborah knew exactly what she had wanted her mother to say, which would have been something along the lines of, “Wow, you are so beautiful now. I am so glad to have such a stunning daughter, and now I will give you all of the love that I was unable to give before. Today will be the first day of a real mother daughter relationship, and I’m deeply sorry that I never visited you in the hospital, I just was worried that I would have to see your fucked up face once again. Can you forgive me for the way I treated you? Even though it was only natural for me to have been rough on you, because of your unfortunate appearance, I would understand if you could not forgive me for it.”

This is what her mother actually said, “You look twice as worse as before. Now move to the side, you’re blocking the television.”

Finally, Deborah had realized that her mother was just a hateful person, and that the woman would call her hideous, no matter what. Then she had to make sure, and went into her old room to look at some old photographs, the few that she actually kept, believing that she didn’t deserve to be photographed, and, for the first time, she hadn’t seen an ugly girl, she only saw an average girl. When something broke inside of her, and her temper began to swell, she couldn’t tell what had upset her, and it was either the fact that her mother had been abusive, had lied to her for her entire life, putting in so much effort to make her life miserable, or the fact that she was stupid enough to believe any of the lies (her opinion), stupid enough to be willing to believe that she was much, much worse than she actually was. In the heat of the moment, the source of the rage wasn’t the most important issue, the rage itself was, and she could only think about how she wanted to make the woman suffer, so she kicked her door open, and flew down the stairs to do something permanent and awful.

However, after the newly gorgeous girl had gone upstairs, her mother believed that she would have no chance to become a star again (she clung to denial in the same way she clung to her bottle), that her daughter was going to become such an impressive star, that no matter what the mother did, she would always be in her daughter’s shadow. Instead of being her own person, she would only be Deborah’s mother, thats all people would call her, not even using her first name. Things were starting to seem, for the woman, like it was all apart of some ghastly nightmare, this had been her greatest fear, her worst case scenario, and it had finally come true. So, no longer wanting to live in this fucked up world, not wanting to have to stand next to her stunning daughter, looking like a shriveled up crone in comparison, not wanting to have to see her daughter bask in the sunlight, she decided that it was time to take the hard-way-out (what her father, who shot himself in the head, would call suicide, believing that it took a lot of effort to actively take your own life, while the easy-way-out was just waiting for death to come on its own). So, when Deborah had reached the bottom of the stairs, and re-entered the living room, wanting to break something, she had found her mother on the floor, near the couch, with a knife in her hand, and an open throat that was drooling blood and staining the tan carpet.

Taking this as a final insult, Deborah decided to just kick her mother for a while, hoping that she would get some satisfaction out of it, but the woman was practically dead, causing it to be as satisfying as kicking a table or a fridge, instead of kicking the woman who had screwed with her head for so many years. That night, Deborah had cried from anger for the first time in her life.

A morning shower turned out to be all she needed to clear her head, and figure out what she had to do to get revenge on the woman. It was a two step plan, which included leaving the corpse to rot in the house for weeks, maybe even months, until somebody would find it based off of the smell, to make the horrible woman’s death seem pathetic in the extent that anyone who heard of it would think, “What an awful way to die, unloved, uncared for, nobody even missing your company, except for the bugs that eat you inside and out. I would never want to be as depressing as that, I never want to be like her.” The second part involved her finally seducing her old high school flame, Arty, and getting him to marry her, so that she could have a happy and fulfilling life, something the bitch never would have wanted her to have in the first place. Before she left to carry out the second part of the plan, she decided to wrap her mother’s body in blankets and some air fresheners she found around the house, just to buy some time before the body was found.

Finding Arty turned out to be surprisingly easy, he was visiting his parent’s home since it was Spring Break, mainly to hide away from all of the party scenes and attractive girls that would stress him out. When she knocked on the door to the house, Arty was also the first person to answer the door, but he didn’t recognize her. “I’m sorry, who are you?” he asked.

“We used to go to school together, I just lived a couple houses down. My name is Deborah.”

“Oh yeah,” surprised and disappointed, “I remember you. You sure have grown or whatever.” There had been plenty of occasions where he had thought of her when he was in college, but now that he saw the new her, all of his interest had dissipated, she was just another girl who he couldn’t handle, another girl who would put him at risk of high blood pressure and self hatred.

“So, I was wondering, are you, uh, single?” Suddenly, she realized that she had no idea how flirting was supposed to work, “Do you want to, like, I’m single too, if you get what I’m trying to say. And I was wondering if we, well if you’re single, if we could be single together somewhere else? Like, two single people, out eating dinner or, like watching a movie,” bringing her hands into the mix, but having no idea what to do with them, “and we could like combine our single energies, and eventually we could you know, like, make a date?” Arty was confused, but he was too sweaty and nervous to be able to respond to this beautiful train wreck. “Like, we put our, we could make a date, you know? You and me? We could…” Uncomfortable since he hadn’t interrupted her, which she desperately wanted, but also was unsure if this was a part of the dating process or not, “We could put our hands together, hold hands, and.. Do you like my face?” No response. “Do you like my new face? I like your face, I would like it if you liked my face, and we could, uh, we could put our good faces together and make a kiss? We could enjoy the comforts of rubbing our faces against each other-” Then, after being scared out of his mind, Arty worked up enough courage to slam the door in her face.

It was the first time she had attempted anything like that, and it was the first time she actually had to handle rejection. Sure, she dealt with it in her mind before, but she mainly never actually tried, just so she could avoid the real feeling, which she then realized felt way worse than she imagined it to feel. It was unbearable, especially since she couldn’t understand why, wasn’t she irresistible now?

Spending the rest of the day at her house, ignoring her dead mother, standing around in her bedroom, posing in her closet that had mirrors on its doors, she tried to find just a single flaw in her new appearance, but it seemed that if she put herself in the most unflattering position she could think of, she was still stunning. In fact, she had a hard time looking away from herself, it was as if she was beginning to become addicted to her own appearance, not wanting to look away to answer the door, to use the bathroom, to get something to eat or drink, just taking in the view of her beauty. The more she loved herself, the less she understood why her old crush had treated her in that cruel manner, why he treated her just like… And then she started to understand, as she stared into her own eyes, that no matter what he would have rejected her, that he was no better than her rotten, rotting mother. With that realization, her anger had come back, stronger than ever, but she was conflicted. Should she give him the treatment that she desperately wanted to give her mother, or did she still want to be with him, and find a way to convince him to love her, since she still loved him? It was a tough decision, and never once was she able to realize that she had actually rejected him often years ago, or that personality might have been playing a key role in the situation (it wasn’t), that he could have simply been gay, or generally just unable to be attracted to her (he wasn’t), or that, which was the most important of all, it didn’t matter how much confidence she had in herself, or how strongly she loved him, because in the end it was his call to chose who he wanted to date, and even though he was rude about it, he had given her his answer and she would have to respect it, move on, and find somebody who wants to be with her.

Deborah decided that she should probably both take out her anger on him, and then force him to love her, killing two birds with one stone.

One of the reasons she was disconnected from the way relationships work, other than her self-isolation and the low self worth caused by her mother, was the fact that she had made sure to stay away from anything romance related, whether it was romantic movies, books, shows, songs, or even anything that dealt with dating or relationships in general, since she believed that it would only make her feel terrible on the inside, because it would expose her to something she could never have, would allow her to know what she was missing out on.

For hours she watched his house from her bedroom window, clutching her mother’s tazer (used for self defense) in her right hand, waiting for any sign of Arty leaving the house. Around eight at night he finally went out of the garage door and threw away a trash bag, then decided to wait outside to smoke a cigarette, and before he had even smoked half of it down, the gate into the backyard swung open, a figure moved towards him, he felt a sharp pain, dropped to the ground, and wasn’t in control of his body, which decided that it wanted to shake and twitch, no matter how often he told it not to. At some point he pissed himself, which embarrassed him. Somebody was dragging him, but he couldn’t react until he was a couple houses away from his own, tried to get up, and his attacker, the now-gorgeous girl from down the street, told him, “If you try to run I’m going to zap your dick.” The electrical sounds emitting from the tazer convinced him that she wasn’t fucking around, so he let her march him into her house, which smelt overwhelmingly of air fresheners. “Keep going, turn left, here we are.”

He couldn’t believe it. Right in front of him was a table set up for two, with candles and rose petals all over it. ‘What the fuck’ is what he wanted to say, but he opted for the more polite, “What the hell?”

“Its a date, sit down. You’re going to love dinner, we’re going to have a good time, trust me.”

Arty knew the whole situation was insane, so he decided to make a run for it, fuck the tazer, but he wasn’t quick enough, and all over again he had felt pain and dropped to the ground. “Why do you have to be such an asshole? You know I’m gorgeous, right? You know that I’m irresistible, so what’s your problem? Why are you going out of your way to ruin this night? Can’t you see how much effort I’m going through to make this work, can’t you see how much I am clearly in love with you? Why are you trying to resist so much, why can’t you just look into my face, my beautiful face, and allow yourself to just allow my looks to do their job, just let them wash over you, drown you, just let it happen. Let it happen you son of a bitch.”

He tried to get to his feet, but she now held up a hammer, right next to his face, “I will bash your god damned brains in if I can’t have you.” Then she brought it down on his left shoulder, dislodging it and causing him to cry out. “Now, get in that fucking chair, and I’m going to make you something nice.” Deciding to stop resisting, he shakily made his way to the table, hoping that there wasn’t much to it. “I’m going to have to tie your legs together, but you can understand why I would want to do that.” When she began to tie his legs, he looked down at her and became afraid, not of the situation, but afraid of the fact that the longer he stared at her, the more he was comfortable with what was happening. Well, he felt that way until she said, “And after dinner, we are going to watch a movie together, because thats what people do on dates. And after that, you are going to take my virginity, and if you refuse to do any of that, I’m going to slit your throat for being a hateful piece of shit.”

He knew that he was a dead man.

[wonderingangelsuniverse]

January 8th 2018

Right from my very waking moments, when even my eye lids were still together, the day was a real test of my strength. No PTSD however, Impressive yes?

“Hey, would you watch the kids?” My thoughts were something along these lines. Is someone talking to me? I think I’m being spoken too…

“Yeah, of course.” I responded so calmly as I recognized the familiar planet I normally exist on. How was I so very calm and collected? I wasn’t mad or sad. No I generally feel pretty good in the mornings.

“So do you want to come out here then?” Uh well, I can. I don’t particularly want to, not right this second, obviously I just woke up. Don’t you people know that women got needs too? I’m still pretty happy... I didn’t say that out loud but its no secret that I was thinking that. My heart remained pounding in my ears and my brain slowly regaining focus. I had no choice but to involuntarily spew any truth of course, but whom was I even talking too?

“No, don’t worry if the kids need anything they can come knock, D... is always telling. He won’t let a thing go wrong.” My eyes opened to reassure whomever that I was in fact able and willing. I discovered quickly that my bedroom door was still shut.. Whomever it was didn’t want to open it. Oh, it’s Hope’s father, ManGuyDude.

“No, someone needs to be sitting out here to watch these kids. If you won’t do it, I’ll just ask the boys.” Oh my god! RED flag, nopity nope. PLEASE do not wake the boys. MelloMad is going to be upset sense he’s been sick lately and he’s grieving. He really needs sleep, plus I know Hope’s schedule doesn’t include child watching. I seriously cannot have ManGuyDude doing such things. Yet it was so toasty in my bed. There must be a fair compromise.

“Just open the door I will be able to hear them, no problem. Seriously open the door it’s fine.” Maybe it would be good to mention I’ll be up in a second? Fuck, he can’t even tell my eyes are open unless he opens the door. Wait did he just back talk me? What the fuck did he say? Where? Is he not there? Are you fucking kidding me right now?!?!? I’ve watched these kids enough times to know how. They’re practically my kids! That’s when I heard him open the boys door. I’m serious, that this wasn’t even the first four and half minutes of the day. Of course MelloMad had already waddled out of his room causing me to sear in anger. I was pretty toasty though so I decided fairly quickly that springing up probably wasn’t worth anything sense the damage was already done. I didn’t wait very long either in hopes I might still have a fragment of a chance to save the day. When I did walk into the living room I found MelloMad curled up in his blanket on one couch, ApprenticeBoi gazing over at me covered in blankets, ManDudeGuy preparing coffee,  and of course J and D.... cuddling up together waiting. No one made any attempt to feed the children which was mildly aggravating, despite the time being still a bit to early to start breakfast.

“ApprenticeBoi’s out here, he’s perfectly capable of watching the small kids or getting me if needs be.” Was a comment I made sometime during this whole escapade.  

“That was super disrespectful, I am perfectly capable of watching these kids, as I’ve done it a million times.” Poor me though. I’m serious! I don’t usually ever care, but not gonna lie, as I wasn’t even able to get the whole sentence out before I was being talked over like whatever I had to say wasn’t worth valuing in any way. I kind of just stopped in the kitchen for a moment with my mouth open as I looked over at MadMello who hadn’t moved but was also throwing words at me. My best friend? Shooting arrows at me while I am trying to express that I don’t appreciate having my fair word disregarded so quickly. He should know most of all that the kids are more then fine considering half the time he spends balls deep in anime rather then giving them a second glance let alone a first. I had agreed to watch the kids. I honestly don’t recall now what exactly ManDudeGuy, said because It didn’t matter to much in the moment as it was just a half washed retort of deviancy about how the children must have an adult present in the living room for some unknown reason that wasn’t ever established by their parents that I mind you don’t ever leave their room. That’s not that bad, really it’s fine, it’s just on top of that I’m being called a childish immature brat by the mother fucker I was trying to let get some extra snooze time in. MelloMad didn’t even stop there as he made sure I understood it was totally okay for me to go crawl back into my fantasy world. Excuse you? My fantasy worlds lately have been quite nightmarish lately, thanks for asking. It’s just I can’t trust myself not to have a panic attack like I honestly don’t know what the fuck is going on lately with these ATTACKS of full on fuckery. More on this MadMello’s assholeness later. For the record though, I definitely stopped to point out that now that Madmello is awake I’ll have to watch him too since he’s is being an asshole. The children are really going to love that. Like fuck that adult up bitch.  

ManDudeGuy has yet to apologize or speak to me let alone acknowledge how rude it was to just toss me aside so quickly. In fact he’s been hiding out all day with his girlfriend, because she is, extremely sick?? Uh whatever, how does one get sick to the point of hospitalization so quickly yet can walk around and speak normally can only puzzle me so much. Look, ManDudeGuy has mad respect from me, because he is both Hope’s father and Hope has expressed many well stories about him. Yes, I have heard stories of bad context as well, but honestly this was kind of odd for me. I get it I’m even younger then Hope, but Hope is an adult. I am an adult, who is adulting. We usually adult together even. Last I checked you were in our house. Alright whatever. Let me give you an immediate example. MadMello did stay obediently in the living room but all the children went into their parents room to watch a movie moments after ManDudeGuy dipped out of the living room. If my door was open right.. then I would now be even closer to the children then MadMello was. My room is across the hallway from their parents. Yet, we always let the children play unattended in the toy room, the backyard, the front, yard, their parents room, the downstairs, and basically anywhere, ANYWHERE. The living room, why is the living suddenly some magic topia of extra attention and thoughtfulness? I’m positive I have witnessed the boys parents chill out without watching them all day. These boys aren’t retarded, actually IRONICALLY, even when we are attending to the boy who is actually mentally impaired, he is frequently left alone to do whatever he would like too. To think that I wanted to stay nice and warm in my nest, while the world heated up, while even the children were on the same page, was insufficient! ManDudeGuy’s made up standards make me interpret quite clearly that for some unknown reason he believes I am unfit.  

Going back to MadMello because I don’t see the point in extending my clearly already completely valid argument against Hope’s fathers unruly disrespect. Back when I first met Madboi-o he was just beginning to grieve over his Grandmother. He has expressed to me over the years that he is quite sorrowful for the way he treated me back then. Luckily, I don’t recall said unhappy encounters, but it justifies his unusual unjustified rudeness. I mean I don’t intend in anyway to let him keep up his untouchable position as number one chief of cooking me so actively for long, but I fully understand. He is the one who over the years has reminded me to look at things from other perspectives, especially people I care deeply about. It’s almost quite flattering that he finds me to be someone he can confine so deeply towards. He can just be his uncensored self and know I’m not going to back out of our friendship. Now, between the two, ManDudeGuy and MadMello, I was feeling quite thrown away. I ended up making pancakes with eggs, doing the dishes, and teaching the boys their homeschooling anyways, with my body brightly ablaze. I didn’t even take it out on the children in anyway unless you count like energy projection. Eh, children make me genuinely happy.

No, it’s not quite like that either. I am flawed as you understand. I retreated back into my room for quite some time to marinate. While I was in my chamber of dark and mysterious overwhelming thoughts of reflection. I discovered something mildly interesting. Quite an earthquake for me actually. MadMello, do you think maybe you genuinely believes my word is faulty these days? Because you’re very convinced that my lesbianism is a delusion? I’ve concluded today that this isn’t officially, well entirely the case. Not because I asked, no I never found an appropriate time. Not for that questions or the reason he belittled me instead of staying silent during this mornings bant. I mean that’s what I’d of done if for some off reason it were I in his shoes. Many facts about Madmello would easily lead me to believe that yes, he in fact does use my lesbianism against me when validating himself and or invalidating me but, I’m going to call it irrational to assume this is extremely frequent or friendship breaking. I would write an entire book on how displeasing Madmello’s homophobia is but then I would become of distaste to him fairly quickly. You know people don’t generally take kindly to others rubbing their faults in their face. I also understand MM believes entirely that he is in no way homophobic. Kind of goes along with the whole; I’m no homophobic assclown but I think the first gay man was seeking out attention when he decided to be different.

I am entirely grateful for Hope when It comes to these kinds of indifference's. I know Hope shares a similar opinion when it comes to not being homophobic, but I also know Hope is completely capable with both rationalizing with MadMello in a civil way and knowing when not to stand by my side. All I mean is that he’s got a fine understanding of both of our sides of the argument and can be a good third head to our Cerberus. I have always felt like he’s unarguably more comfortable teaming up with MelloMad against me, however I also feel like our friendship levels are increasing quite a bit to a point where doing so is less likely, not that in anyway I’m assuming MelloMad may do something like that in the future. I truly believe he is a master of not picking sides, unless of course we’re playing MTG. In that case not a lick of the rules apply to any of us, haha. Hope’s father is a completely different case altogether. I can’t even begin to comprehend a future where I’ve aggravated his father to a point that Hope would have to pick a side. I feel like he would have to pick his father’s side even if his father was completely unjust. It’s kind of what Madmello did. I just didn’t expect him to pick so fast. If Hope and I were hanging off a cliff about to fall into the lava and Madmello could only save one of us, I’d imagine Hope would let go long before He’d be able to grab his hand over mine. That maybe thinking a bit to much into it but, I feel its the truth. I shouldn’t be taking MadMello’s actions against me so personally and I won’t be acting on these thoughts because of my reasoning. These thoughts only come up due to my uncontrolled fancy new ability to feel emotions.

The endless retorts, including ones about my old cat, that I’m still really touchy about, some about old habits I’ve killed years ago, and you know anything that could come up. I felt a good part of the day as if I was entirely being hated for existing, which is interesting in the least. Surprisingly not new to me in anyway but quite unpleasant compared to the past, doesn’t set a very positive mood anyways. None the less, I couldn’t care in the slightest. I know that only gives reason for someone to be more pissed off at me but I’m over living a life where my day has to be shit because someone else is not together all the way. Pushed through all the shit no problem, decided to spend up until Moe got home to hang with ApprenticeBoi, my one and true friend even if he’s 10. Madmello came around at one point as we watched one of our favorites youtubers, Jacksepticeye. I know that’s his way of apologizing or letting me know that he does still care at least. I do to, that’s why I’m not crying.

Moe, I find he’s got a lot on his plate. I also find he is a lead instigator of all of his problems, all of them. He is slowly testing the battleground of his life with new ideas such as, being honest about having homework. Ten problems of a much easier mathematical subject for him to start of the new semester is actually quite pleasing to see. He got the problems down no worries but for some reason coped out and decided getting the answer wrong was good enough. Back when I was in school I became heavily offended when people were in my personal business, although it shouldn’t take him much convincing that getting an answer wrong deliberately is not okay. These questions weren’t hard so he should rake up as many educational scoring points as he can in order to give him some cushion for when his teacher does start crunching him with numbers again. I’m used to teaching ApprenticeBoi how to do schoolwork so when I proved Moe wrong over something basic, I felt him push his frustrations, towards himself, out on me. Don’t worry Moe I’ve completely been there. It’s a fine mix between truly wanting to succeed and being unable to or sometimes being pushed to go on to fast. Between my day and the way he was treating me over a simple question, I was ready to sock him in the face. He doesn’t deserve to be threatened by me. I’m thinking of writing him another good letter. I think that’s what he needs. Some acknowledgment that he can look back on and reflect between himself.            

One second the day isn’t over. I’ll come back to this a bit later as I feel quite wrong ghost writing other people’s lives. Alright, so I thought I was over writing the day out which would have been great because I got a very important job interview that I cannot afford, literally and metaphorically, to fuck up tomorrow. I got some time though so I might as well document the crazy shit. King is barking like a crazy doggo, but King hasn’t been here recently due to the lady downstairs being absent. All the sudden everyone is screaming on the top of their lungs which, by the by, is probably Mom-o-Pan. She is just a bit next level sometimes. I went frantically out of my writing space to make sure the kids weren’t getting into any trouble, well really to make sure I wasn’t in trouble. I’m just a bit paranoid is all. I guess ManDudeGuy and his girlfriend were hiding downstairs in DownstairsLady’s crib space. I’ve been up and around lately despite being away on that not rightfully spiritual trip so I’ve got the fyi on the new housemate renting the downstairs apartment. Odd as days I feel wronged by the quote on quote parent figures around here forcing me to be wedged closer to my friends and today was almost the opposite. I tried desperately not to get involved trying to keep the kiddos herded in the room. Only D... protested and J wasn’t any where to be found. I’d be close to my two friends right now, as I am always loyal to them, it is just I am not infuriatingly mad right now. Space sounds like a good place for them in my opinion. I can hear occasionally the sounds of MadMello spiting at his video games. The report in retrospect, Mom-o-pan wasn’t very happy with Hope’s Father and “Sick” being in the Downstairslady’s space as they are renting to her. We have all concluded this but Hope didn’t get the memo. Now Mom-o-pan is so absolutely fucking bonkers about this whole thing like you’d barely believe it. BoldFuck, told ManDudeGuy and “Sick” that “Sick” was welcome to go use the bathroom downstairs if she really needed. Apparently she expressed great discomfort using the shared bathroom. Everyone in some form of another can relate. In no way instigating this misunderstanding MadMello and I mostly stayed out. Mom-o-Paon on the other hand didn’t buy it though choosing to get out this inner angst she feels against the two boys. She claims she never goes into their room when they are not home therefore why should it be okay for anyone to do such a thing to someone else? This is absolutely truth, I am the one to always go into the boys room when they are not around. We have this understanding, the three of us. I’ve shared a bedroom with the two of them many time’s before. I get Mom-o-pan’s point. I get the feeling violated. The being emotionally overloaded. In some ways she feels she betray ladydownstairs. She even asked me to validate her argument. She wouldn’t of been heard if she wasn’t yelling but she couldn’t be respected for it. I felt this double edge sword today myself. I had no reason not to agree with Mom-o-pan from the comforts of my bedroom. I was just keeping the kids at bay. I can’t pick your side though. I’m actually sorry. You’ll probably never know.

She’s back now trying to understand how someone wouldn’t put two and two together about not…. I had to stop and fight for my buddio’s like a mature adult. So once again documenting this shit for my diary I suppose. Why not right? I very carefully come into the room and I’ve got my hands up trying to propose peace. Good idea right? They accepted my word and I defended myself stating I was watching the kids all day, helping them with their school work like I am supposed to. I wasn’t looking around for perfectly capable older then I adults. Yes, it was quite amusing as Mom-o-pan stated multiple times that I am an authority figure in this household right in front of Hope’s Dad ManDudeGuy, who I rudely paid back by reminding him of his assholeness this morning. Now, he was quite cornered by the all the facts really quick. I both stood up for Madmello, Hope, and I while spiting him. It was kind of bad, nearly disgusting. I tried asking him about this morning, you know... talk it out? He didn’t find it fit to apologize to me sense he doesn’t feel sorry, right? I mean he clearly feels like he was completely wrong this morning. I could see it on his face as I helped him realize exactly where I was coming from. It really just shows his character. A friend of mine would of swallowed it an apologized is all. His excuse was that I said I was sleeping. Perhaps searching for a way to escape? I professed that I may have said that, but I did ask him to open the door. If I did say this though it doesn’t excuse that he kept insisting I must be out in the living room. Why else would Madmello go? Very odd how my story lines up with the facts and his sounds like hes trying to defend himself against me like I’m some unruly snarling demon of perpetuating crimes that I simple don’t want to be bothered with. There is a lot of truth in that statement. Does he not know that we are on the same side? I am his son’s best friend after all. Doesn’t matter Mom-o-pan just pulled the usual get out of jail free card when she began to understand not a single point was acceptable. Penance for Downstairslady is what she wanted to fix her mood but we all know Downstairslady is over it, even though her prior circumstances might suggest otherwise. Downstairslady doesn’t go ten minutes without being thoroughly fucked by METH, literally, not a nickname. Mom-o-pan started to cool though so all is good now. Not the way I was treated of course, that wasn’t cool, but at least viable enough to keep our house together. Everyone got their emotions stretched out in some way or another so this family exercise can come to a close.  

Do I have anything else to say? Yes actually, it’s about Hope. He’s gonna settle and think rationally but he is a strong person. If he sets his mind to it he CAN. Nothings going to stop that boy even with the world against him. I believe it. I worry though. I hope he doesn’t mean what he said. We can leave soon Hope, I know it. I’ll fight for you until the end of our time.

Anyways Pain, as usually thanks for hearing me out. I probably should write like this. Reflection is on thing, straight up gossip is another. At least I know the story would sell. Don’t they usually? Alright love you- Goodnight.