#see for me the issue is that the moment a symptom is gone for a bit my brain is convinced I'm fine forever actually (it is mistaken)

[ratstuckinamarble]

The shitty lungs curse is spreading to my mutuals... run everyone (if your lungs will let you)

they never tell you abt The Skeleton's Curse (bone pain)

[lanafofana]

Instinct

Day uh, whatever, of HalsinTavWeek. I think this was supposed to be #6 Aphrodisiac/Rut/heat but it got away from me and now it's probably more breeding than anything. Oops! Pairing: Halsin/Tav(F) Summary: Tav's ovulating triggers Halsin's own instincts. Rating: Explicit. Minors DNI Warnings/Tags: Smut, Porn with not a hint of plot, PnV Sex, Cunnilingus, Vaginal fingering, Breeding/Aphrodisiac/Scent Kink (if you squint!), A little aftercare No beta we die like Yonas (RIP Yonas) And an AO3 link for my kudos gluttony you, if you wish.

She should have realized it then and there when she woke that morning and her hips ached. A benign enough symptom she’d brushed it off as she’d rolled out of bed and groggily puttered through her morning routine. The second clue was her shorter than usual temper. Annoyance and impatience crawled under her skin waiting to break through and eviscerate someone who so much as looked at her funny but still she remained ignorant of the larger issue. 

Comprehension only began to dawn when, much later, she was in her garden. Pulling weeds was proving to be a balm for her nervous energy and fractious temper. Though it didn’t stop the flash of irritation sparking through her veins like lightning when the sudden piercing scream of laughing children broke through her hard won placid tranquility. She turned, a sharp word on her tongue that withered and died when she saw him. 

Halsin was always good looking. It was disgustingly elven of him but he couldn’t help it and generally Tav was never one to complain. But something about seeing him, bare chested, stalking through the meadow with a child under each arm while the rest tumbled after him with breathless laughter stirred something in her. 

The sun was bright and hot that day and as the group got closer in their game of chase when the druid spun around to launch a counter attack Tav couldn’t tear her eyes away from the sweat damp hair that fanned out from his neck or the way his muscles flexed and bunched with each careful movement as he handled the children with utmost care. 

It was the tenderness with which he held the children close, that did it she’s sure. The shot of white hot lust that skitters down her spine and bloomed into a toe curling desire between her legs. Oblivious, Halsin gave each child a turn tossing them into the air as easy as another man might throw blossoms. When he caught each one he held them close and gave them a soft kiss on the head, pinching noses or tweaking chins to soften the blow when he turned his attention to the next one in line. 

He’d been gone for a couple days, roaming the border in bear form, and while she might have expected the joy of seeing him it didn’t explain how viscerally her body suddenly ached for him. The sound of his deep laughter crawled into her chest and burned. Each flex of muscle sucked the moisture from her tongue and left her practically panting. 

The realization struck her in the same moment Halsin turned and finally noticed her there, sitting among her flower beds with cheeks flushed red and an unmistakable heat in her eyes. It was her ovulation. What started out as an irritating discomfort suddenly blossomed into insatiable desire.

She felt drunk with it, the way she traced the lines of his chest with her eyes, the curves of his lips when he smiled and started to raise a hand in greeting. 

Her epiphany, while unleashing a suffocating wave of lust, was also threaded with embarrassment. There he was minding his own business playing with his charges and here she was unable to stop the exhale that verged on a whine when she pressed her thighs together for some measure of relief. She didn’t just want him, she needed him. 

Needed to taste the sweat that clung to his skin. Needed to feel the solid weight of him bearing down on her, fucking her into the ground. Needed to run her hands over the warmth of his body, scoring that perfect skin with her nails while she lost herself in the pulse of their bodies moving together in a desperate tangle of limbs and teeth and tongues and–

She swallows heavily, tearing her gaze away. With shaking hands she gathers her garden supplies and tries to reign it all in, the feral beast that has taken control of her instincts and her mind. It’s a monumental struggle but she retreats.

In the house she washes the soil from her hands and tries very carefully to not think about anything Halsin shaped. Or about the slick wet heat between her thighs. Or the feeling of his thick heavy cock in her mouth, the warm salty taste on her tongue as she swallows his cum down her throat. 

The mug in her hand slips through her fingers and smashes against the floor. 

“Shit,” she mutters, bending down to collect the pieces and swearing again when a sharp edge slices through the skin of her finger. 

A shadow appears in her peripheral. 

“My heart?” Halsin’s voice is concerned but warm, so warm it curls around her like thick honey. Her thoughts tumble over each other, scattering under the weight of his gaze. 

“I’m fine,” she dismisses. She sticks the pad of her finger into her mouth to suck at the wound while she finishes collecting the broken pieces of pottery. 

When she stands he’s closer and what little composure she’s managed to grasp, begins to slip through her fingers. 

“Y-you’re back, from patrol?” It’s an effort to keep her tone light, her eyes from hungrily trailing over every inch of his exposed skin. She throws away the broken mug and hesitates, gathering her flagging self-control before she turns to meet his eye. 

He’s giving her a strange look. Cautious, almost, like she’s a spooked mare that might bolt if he moves too quickly. “I am,” he says in his low voice, advancing with a slow smile. “I’ve missed you.” 

Affection bursts like a popping ember in her bosom. “And I, you.” 

He pulls her into his arms and kisses her softly. The dam breaks. Tav’s hands go to his chest first and the warmth of his bare skin pulls an inadvertent moan from her throat. Greedily she runs her palms up, up to his neck before finding purchase in his hair, fisting the sweat damp strands and pressing his lips more firmly against hers. 

She opens her mouth and his tongue’s slick slide against hers nearly takes her out at the knees. His hands, heavy and hot, start at her waist before moving down to clutch her hips and then further to cup her ass. 

When they break apart for air his eyes are dark and when his nostrils flare, understanding colors the look of hunger. When he speaks, his voice is rough. “I cannot control myself when your scent is thick with fertility, say the word and I’ll go.” 

“That’s the last thing I want but the children?” 

“With Thaniel and Oliver.”

“Thank the gods.” 

They collide, their desire for each other fanning into a wildfire. It was not often they got the chance to indulge in their baser instincts like this. Her fertile window was brief, a white hot spark that blazed for a few days before going out again and often he was away in the forest.

Like a bitch in heat her pheromones had the delicious effect of completely overriding his every thought. He was quite literally drunk on her, just as she was on him. 

He presses her against the wall, the only stable surface likely to survive the ardor of their coupling, and tears her clothes from her body with purpose. Revealing her sex he kneels before, sliding one of her legs over his shoulder and wasting no time lapping hungrily at her wet cunt. 

One hand on his head the other twisting her own nipple Tav feels not unlike a ship caught in the storm of their passion. The undulating of his head as his tongue swirls and flicks against her clit consumes her. He groans into her wet heat like he could break apart from chasing her orgasm alone. When he sinks a finger into her clenching body her head drops back, her mouth open in a wanton moan. 

Her first orgasm is but one wave in a tempest. While she whines and whimpers, legs shaking, desperate pleas tumbling from her lips he wrings another from her body before he rises and chases the taste of her with a breathless kiss. 

“More?” He chases the question with a hot open mouthed kiss to her neck, dedicating his attention to the pulse that hammers just under the flushed skin. 

She gasps, dizzy and undone but still burning, still hungry. “Fuck yes, don’t stop.” 

With one arm he lifts her and pins her to the wall, feasting himself on her sweat, the soft swell of her breasts, and plunging his fingers back into her pussy. She keens, head thrown back, hips jerking against his hand. The scent of sex and sweat are heavy in the air but over it all is the thick, potent scent of her , driving him wild with need. 

He sucks on her tits until they’re sensitive and raw, he bites the silken softness of her flesh until she sobs with desperation. Pumping his fingers in her sex until, nails scraping his shoulders, she screams her release. 

Their bodies crash together, over and over, each climax he drags from her sending both of them further along into a deeper, more precarious madness. When she can take no more and the tenuous hold he has on his control begins to slip he enters her at last. She mewls and clutches for purchase on his arms bracketing her, his neck above her, senseless to all but the joining of their bodies and the spiral of her final orgasm. 

With her legs on his shoulders, his hips grinding into her messy slit, what dwindling control he has crumples as he bottoms out in her cunt. He snarls, animalistic in his hunger as he loses himself to the tempo of thrusting into her exhausted body. The feel of her orgasm around his cock unmakes him and with a final groan that vibrates through his chest like a growl he cums. 

Too soon for her he pulls out but she’s too tired to do anything but let her limbs lie limp while his seed leaks out of her. He presses tender kisses to her ankle before he gently puts her legs down and crawls up her body. Soft kisses on her thighs, her stomach, the space between her breasts. He works his way up lazily, loving her with warm attention that has her smiling dopily. 

The consuming lust is temporarily sated and it’s a relief to bask in the glow of his affection. He doesn’t let her linger on the floor for long though. Gathering her in his arms he takes her to their bedroom and draws her a warm bath with his druidic magic.

Her body still aches, a bone deep hunger that lives in her hips but it’s muted now by the ache of muscles well used. He washes her hair, runs the pads of his fingers over her abused muscles with quiet attentive care, and cares for her with such aching softness she never wants the moment to end. 

Lying in bed, damp from her bath and snugly ensconced in his arms she tells herself, maybe a little nap wouldn’t hurt. Just this once. 

That's All Folks!

[buckgettingstruck]

also i dont mean to post about discourse just for the sake of arguing about characterization or believing myself to be right over another person. ive posted about it because i see the way some people write about it to be harmful. and its not just something one or two people have posted that im trying to vague about — i’ve seen many posts, whether it be on my dash or sent to me directly via my inbox or by a friend, by many people. if it was just one person i wouldnt really talk about it.

like with the buck being purposefully manipulative thing <- that kind of thing is usually an argument people make about people with borderline being abusive. i know buck doesn’t have bpd canonically but its distressing to see that kind of argument being pushed about a character who is often headcanonned as such (and not as a projection, but as a genuine reading of the character and his behaviors such as his crippling fear of abandonment and general lack of self identity) as a person who has suffered from that mental illness and has gone to great lengths to cope with it. even in just saying i have bpd, I’ve lost friends because of that belief. even if i haven’t split in front of them or shown actual symptoms yet. when you have those issues like i listed above you can’t really help yourself in the moment. you act impulsively — even if it can be read as manipulative.

and even in the eddie has bipolar disorder posts ive seen theres a great deal of just. misinformation. mania isnt being happy or having fun. mania isn’t THINKING about moving to texas to be close with the son you’ve been missing for months or enlisting to provide for your family as a teenager with no real work experience. its not dancing in your underwear to find joy again. mania is often seen as severe irritability and going days without sleep. its having grandiose thoughts about yourself.

these things can be harmful to the people who see them. the character is fake, sure, but i am and others who struggle with mental illness are very real people.

i wasn’t very eloquent in my post last night about it but i want to make myself clear now at least. hopefully i make a bit more sense — i was trying to be less personal about it before. i think you can understand why.

[skyward-floored]

Whumptober day 25 - Surgery

Hello and welcome to: me handwaving away potential plot issues, the fic. Renado can do surgery because I say so. Wild sees Time as a father-figure but doesn't realize it because I say so. appendicitis is known and able to be treated because I say so!!! and I don't really love how this turned out but. 'tis what it 'tis.

Warnings: appendicitis, symptoms from that, off-screen surgery

ao3 link

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Something was up with Time.

They were in Twilight’s lands, a few hours from the castle, and been dumped on opposite sides of a ravine the moment they'd gotten here. Luckily nobody had fallen in said ravine, but the group had been split in two, and they were now making their ways to castle town separately. Normally Wild would be interested in seeing Twilight’s home, but he had been too busy keeping an eye on Time, certain there was something up with him.

The older hero had been acting funny their entire walk, barely talking, gaze distant, his steps slowed just enough to be suspicious. Time may have been weird, but his mood today was weird weird, and based on the frequent looks the others in his half of the group gave him, Wild wasn’t the only one who’d noticed.

“You see it too huh?” Warriors said as he came up beside him, and Wild nodded, watching as Time casually rested a hand over his middle.

“How could I not? He’s been acting weird all day,” Wild replied, watching as Sky talked about everything and nothing as he walked beside Time, obviously trying to provoke a response. Time nodded along, but it was obvious he wasn’t paying much attention. “Do you think he’s sick?”

“I don’t know,” Warriors murmured, eyes narrowed. “But I don’t like it.”

“Maybe... he’s hiding an injury?” Wild suggested with a shrug. “That one peahat did come pretty close to him this morning. Maybe he got hit.” And that’s probably how I’d act if I was hiding an injury.

“True,” Warriors agreed, and his face grew determined. “Either way, this has gone on long enough. Enough ignoring the problem.”

Warriors abruptly strode ahead to block Time’s path, and Wild followed, worried and curious about the confrontation. Time blinked as they stood in front of him, and then raised an eyebrow.

“Do you need something?” Time asked mildly, and Wild couldn’t help his snort.

“Well we were about to ask you the same thing,” he said dryly, and Time’s eyebrow stayed raised.

“If I need anything? No, I’m fine,” he said, and Sky frowned beside him.

“You’re sure? You’ve been a little... off today, old man,” he said hesitantly. “We’re a bit...”

“Worried?” Time finished for him with a slight upturn of his mouth. Wild thought it looked strained. “Well there’s no need. I believe breakfast just didn’t sit very well with me.”

“And that’s why you keep holding your side?” Warriors asked with his arms crossed.

“Yes. Indigestion.”

“So it won’t hurt if I do this?” Wild asked, before shooting out a hand and lightly punching Time where he’d been holding his side.

He hadn’t expected anything except maybe a wince—Time was wearing full armor after all—but when Time gasped and curled protectively over his side, Wild nearly jumped backwards in surprise.

Warriors grabbed Time’s arm to steady him, and Wild exchanged looks with Sky as Time quickly tried to straighten back up. But the damage had been done. They’d all seen that.

“So, indigestion?” Warriors asked flatly, and Time frowned, looking at him.

“Yes. I’m not injured,” he insisted. “It’s just... intense.” Warriors hummed disbelievingly, and pulled him to the side, pushing him down to sit on a log.

“Then you won’t mind if we make sure,” he said firmly. Time sighed, but carefully began pulling his armor off piece by piece. Wild moved to sit beside him, and Sky stood next to them, fiddling with his sailcloth while he watched. Time’s hands faltered a little as he removed the pieces at his chest, and Warriors had to help him out of the biggest pieces, a hiss coming from between Time’s teeth as he lifted his arms up.

But finally it was all removed, and Warriors lifted up Time’s shirt, studying the skin beneath.

All three of them leaned forward to look, expecting any number of grisly sights, but... there was nothing there. Time’s side looked perfectly normal, and Wild raised a confused eyebrow.

“See?” Time said with a sigh. “I’m not hiding anything from you boys. I really do just think breakfast didn’t agree with me.”

Sky looked convinced, but Warriors’ expression had creased, and he leaned closer to Time’s waist with a frown.

“Where’s the pain concentrated?” Warriors asked him, and Time gestured to his side, a place between his bellybutton and right hip.

For some reason, Wild's heart skipped a beat.

Warriors face creased further.

“Time. How much pain are you in?” he asked seriously. “I need you to be honest.”

“I’ve had worse,” Time said slowly, and Warriors gave him a look. “...But it’s definitely up there.”

Warriors nodded, and set his hand on Time’s side. He lightly felt at it, then gave his skin a gentle prod with his fingers. Time sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth, his hand jerking down to bat Warriors’ away, and Wild was certain his face paled. Warriors pulled back, then stood and felt Time’s forehead, a grim look settling on his face.

“This isn’t indigestion,” he said, and Wild felt his heart beat a little faster as a heavy silence fell over their group.

“...Well, what is it?” Time asked finally, looking uncomfortable.

Warriors swallowed. “It’s... well, we always called it phantom knife, since when it gets worse it feels like you’re got a knife in your gut, but it has a technical name. Appen-something.”

“Appendicitis.”

Wild wasn’t sure how he knew the word, but it came out anyway, and the other heroes looked at him in surprise. Wild swallowed. Where had that come from?

“Yes. That’s it. You know of it?” Warriors asked, and Wild gave a helpless shrug.

“I... no? Must be from before,” he said a little awkwardly.

“Hm. Well the point is,” Warriors said quickly, beginning to gather up Time’s armor, “Time needs a doctor. As soon as possible.”

“What?!” Sky said in alarm, and a cold feeling ran through Wild’s chest as he stared at Time.

...For some reason he wasn’t surprised, though.

“He needs a doctor, basically there’s a small organ in his middle that’s not working right, and needs to be taken out,” Warriors explained quickly, and grimaced. “I can't do it. I’ve only seen it happen once, I just know the symptoms. We need a doctor, which means we’ll have to make it to castle town.”

“Wait, he’ll need surgery?” Sky asked, and Warriors gave him a tense nod, standing up again.

“Captain,” Time said, his face still pale. “How serious is this?”

Warriors breathed out, and paused in his frantic movements. “It could be worse. But you need a doctor,” he said, and gave Time’s shoulder a quick squeeze. “You’ll be all right old man. Twilight’s kingdom is pretty advanced, I’m sure they deal with this all the time.”

“He’ll really need surgery?” Sky asked again, looking a little green, and Warriors nodded.

“It’s minor, honestly not all that worse then taking out an arrow,” Warriors said, then offered his hand to Time. “But we need to get moving, it’ll only get worse if it’s not treated.”

Time nodded, and Wild’s heart clenched at the way Time’s face carefully hid his pain, the older hero trying to stay calm. Something felt familiar about the expression, weirdly familiar, but it was gone before he could try and grab at it.

“I’m going to ask Twilight where the closest doctor in castle town is,” Wild said as Warriors carefully helped Time stand, the older hero wincing. Warriors nodded at him, and Wild pulled out his slate, quickly contacting Wind. The sailor picked up after only a minute or two, and Wild rapidly explained what they knew about the situation.

“Rancher? Did you hear all that?” Wind asked behind him, and Twilight’s face appeared in the slate, blatantly worried.

“Yeah, I did. But you all shouldn’t go to castle town,” Twilight said quickly. “Kakariko is much closer, and the doctor in castle town is a jerk anyway. There’s a shaman in Kakariko, he knows medicine, and he’s patched me up more times than I can count. I’m sure he can do this.”

“Sure enough for him to give your ancestor potentially lifesaving surgery?” Warriors questioned, and Twilight gave a sharp nod.

“Yes. I trust him.”

“Okay, then guess we’re headed to Kakariko,” Sky said with a tense exhale. “Where do we go?”

“Head for death mountain, if you see red rocks you’re in the right place,” Twilight explained. “We’ll head that way as well and meet you there.”

Wild nodded, giving Twilight a nervous smile, and cut the connection.

“You ready old man?” Sky asked worriedly, giving Time a quick look over.

“Yes, I’m ready. You all don’t have to treat me like glass,” Time said with a smile. None of them missed how strained it was though, and Wild swallowed, fastening his slate back to his belt.

Would Time really be okay?

And why do I feel like this has happened before?

“Let’s go,” Warriors said in a sharp voice, and they got moving without further ado, Wild and Sky giving each other one last worried look before following.

(...)

The trip wasn’t long, but Wild spent all of it consumed by a horrible anxiety he couldn’t shake.

They were nearly carrying Time by the time they made it to Kakariko, the older hero’s face flushed and sweaty with fever, a hand clasped shakily over his middle. He’d thrown up twice on the trip here, and Wild was restless and shaky as they hurried into town and asked for directions.

They definitely wouldn’t have made it to castle town, not with Time’s condition, and Wild tried not to worry too much as they helped Time through the street and to a building near a spring.

More than just Time’s condition was bothering him though. Wild had no clue how he knew the name of what was affecting Time, and whenever he looked at him too long, something felt like it pressed in on his head, something important.

But nothing else had come to mind, so Wild was left fidgety and nervous and feeling like he might throw up as Warriors knocked sharply on the door. A few moments passed, and then the door was opened, a tall man with dark hair and tanned skin looking down at them.

“Hello, how may I help you?” he greeted, and Sky stepped forward.

“Are you Renado? Link sent us here, our friend needs help,” he said, gesturing back to Time.

The man opened the door further, and looked at Time, a frown creasing his face. “Any friend of Link’s is welcome here. I’m Renado, bring your friend here, I’ll see what I can do for him. Do you know what’s wrong?”

“Phantom knife, if you’re familiar,” Warriors replied grimly, and Renado’s eyes widened as he hurriedly gestured them in.

“Yes, I am. Set him there,” he instructed, and they carefully set Time on a cot in the corner, Time groaning as they moved him. Renado hurried over, and checked his heartbeat and pulse, and did a few other things Wild wasn’t sure were for. “...Yes, this is phantom knife, for certain. Luda?" he called, and a girl appeared, haircut a bit like Four's. "Phantom knife. Well on its way. We'll need to act now."

Warriors began asking questions as Sky’s face turned green again, and Wild stared down at Time, watching as he held a hand protectively over his side, face screwed up in pain.

Wild swallowed and went to his side, and Time looked up at him with a shaky smile.

“I’ll be fine, Champion,” he managed to whisper, and the tight feeling came back to Wild’s head again, familiarity pressing in on him.

Wild stared, heart thudding, words sticking in his throat. Time’s expression tensed with pain, he heard Warriors’ voice ask him what was wrong, and then—

...

“Your highness, are you all right?”

Sunshine cast a glow on the tiled floor, bright curtains drawn back to let the light in. It caught on Zelda’s dress, making the gold trim even brighter, and Link made sure to stand in a spot where it wouldn’t potentially obstruct his vision.

“Perfectly fine,” Zelda assured the servant who’d asked, and Link’s ears pricked at the fake-cheerful tone. “Just a bit tired from my morning prayers, I believe.”

The servant nodded, then stepped away, Zelda’s smile immediately dropping from her face as they were left alone again. She glanced at Link, and he wordlessly tilted his head, a silent question.

“I wasn’t lying, I’m all right,” Zelda huffed, then rubbed at her eyes. “It’s just a stomachache. I’ll be fine, Link.”

Link raised an eyebrow, studying his charge and noting how she seemed pale under her makeup, her cheeks extra flushed. He knew she hadn’t eaten a thing all day either, and had a feeling she was hiding how bad she actually felt. Per usual.

He couldn’t really argue with her about it though, since she had several appointments this afternoon she couldn’t miss. And it wasn’t really his place to argue with the princess anyway, even if their relationship was a good bit better then it used to be.

And they both knew if she was seen taking a break, rumors would fly even worse then they already did.

So Link remained silent as Zelda stood, a hand braced on the table before she took a deep breath, and walked down the bustling hallway, him following a few paces behind.

They made it through two appointments, Link watching her like a hawk as she lost even more color. Zelda's hand constantly strayed to her middle, her expression growing tighter with held-back pain. Link was on the verge of insisting she skip her next commitment when her body made the decision for her.

Zelda turned a corner on their way to a meeting, and stumbled on seemingly nothing. Link rushed forward to catch her when her hand missed the wall, and as his hand bumped her side, she gasped, her face paling further.

She clutched at Link, but quickly released him, the hallway she'd tripped in an unfortunately bustling one.

“I’m alright, I’m alright,” she hurriedly reassured as a small crowd of people stopped and stared, alarmed questions and gasps lobbed in their direction. “I-I’m—”

Zeldas knees gave out on her without Link's full support, and Link stopped her from toppling, alarm rising in his chest. Someone shouted for help, for a doctor, and the next several minutes were a bit of a blur, Impa appearing, helping Zelda to her bedroom, a doctor Link vaguely recognized showing up.

Link stayed outside to guard as an examination was had, and did the same later as Zelda, sickly and pale, was taken to the doctor’s clinic.

“Appendicitis,” Impa explained as the door was closed, and she and Link were left alone. She sighed, and clasped her hands behind her back. “You probably know it as phantom knife. We're lucky we caught it when we did. If it had been much longer..."

She sighed again, and shook her head.

"They're doing the procedure now."

Link gave her an alarmed look, and Impa patted his shoulder, despite the worry in her own eyes.

“The doctor has done this before, Link. Zelda will be fine. I know of several people who have needed their appendix removed, and they are all fine," she reassured.

Link breathed out, and kept his hands resting on the master sword as Impa strode away to deal with something else while they waited. Impa was right. She always was.

But he still didn’t move an inch from the door, keeping guard, and keeping an ear out.

And it wasn’t until Zelda came out of it, unconscious and pale, but perfectly fine, that he finally relaxed.

The memory ended as abruptly as it had come on, and Wild sucked in a gasp, his eyes shooting open.

“Whoa, whoa easy Wild,” someone said, and Wild swallowed as hands gently took his shoulders. Whoever had grabbed him didn’t speak further, letting Wild readjust to the present, and Wild blinked as his vision focused.

He was in what looked like an inn, a few cobwebs in the corners, a faint musty smell in the air. A few people were in the room, all looking at him, and Wild stared, then realized it was several of the other Links. He looked up, Twilight kneeling in front of him, and furrowed his brow.

“Oh. Hey,” he said, rubbing his eyes with his knuckles.

“Hey yourself. You were out a while,” Twilight replied, and Wild realized the light on the floor was moonlight. “You okay?”

“Mm. Yeah,” Wild said, resting his hands on his lap as his head gradually cleared. He was sitting on a bed, he realized, one with a pale blue quilt and flowers. The colors were nice.

Then memories of what he’d been doing before abruptly hit him, and Wild shot to his feet.

“Time—!”

“—Is fine,” Twilight quickly finished for him, squeezing Wild’s shoulder. “Renado finished a little while ago, said he would wake up soon.”

Wild froze, memories of Time’s pale face mixing with Zelda’s in his mind, and he blinked harshly. The situations had been so similar and the memory so sharp in his mind that they were mixing in his head, making it ache painfully.

“Hey, are you really okay?” Twilight asked more gently, and Wild nodded again, shrugging out of his hold.

“Yeah, yeah. How’s Time? Actually?” Wild asked, still feeling unsettled from the memory and the day’s earlier events..

“Well I wouldn’t say he’s doing great, but the main problem is gone,” Legend huffed from across the room. Wild heard an undercurrent of worry in it. “Leave it to the old man to have a medical emergency in the middle of nowhere.“

“I’m just relieved we didn’t have to be the ones to fix it,” Sky said with a faint smile, and a few of them chuckled.

“Can I see him?” Wild asked, and Sky nodded kindly.

“Sure, I’ll show you where he is.”

Wild brushed past Twilight’s still-concerned look, and followed Sky out of the room and down a flight of stairs. He was sure Twilight would pry further about the memory and Wild's mental state eventually, but Wild wasn’t in the mood for questions.

He just wanted to see that Time was okay for himself.

Sky opened a door on the ground floor, and Warriors looked up from a bedside, his face exhausted, but less worried than before.

“Hey champion,” he greeted, giving him a small smile. “You all right?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Wild shrugged, tossing aside worried questions he was already saving up for Zelda when he got home, and focusing on the figure in the bed.

Time looked... not all that different from when Wild had last seen him. He was still pale, and his bangs looked rather sweaty, a damp cloth on his forehead. His face was smoothed of pain though, and Wild’s shoulders slowly relaxed the longer he watched him.

He looked okay.

Not great, but... okay.

“I can’t believe I spaced out through the whole thing,” Wild muttered, sitting heavily on a chair. What kind of hero just checks out like that when there’s trouble?

“You really didn’t miss much,” Sky said, setting a hand on his shoulder. “It was mostly a lot of waiting. And pacing.”

“I didn’t pace that much,” Warriors huffed, though there was a twinkle of amusement in his eye. “And besides, I wasn’t the only one.”

“I thought you and Twilight would wear a path in the ground with the way you were carrying on,” Sky teased.

Warriors and Sky kept up the light jabs, and Wild kept watching Time, his breathing slow and steady. Wild set his hand over Time’s clammy one, and exhaled, mind exhausted from stress and memories.

Time was fine. He would be fine.

A small movement caught his attention, and Wild startled, then watched as Time’s hand weakly twitched, then slowly turned and caught Wild’s fingers in his own.

Sky and Warriors both looked over, eyes going wide, and all three of them saw it when Time’s eye cracked open and a faint smile pulled at his lips.

“Old man,” Wild more exhaled than spoke, and Time gave his hand a weak squeeze.

Wild didn’t hear anything Sky and Warriors said after that, barely noticed when Renado came to check on Time, didn’t hear it when the others came in and greeted Time with relieved smiles and laughs.

All he was focused on was the pure relief of Time being okay, his hand in his.

[krypticcafe]

May I request call of duty boys with an autistic s/o? As an autistic person I think they’d all be very helpful with their partner and their needs. Their partner is having a bit of a rough day and they’ve gone nonverbal and just need the comfort of a safe person so they can unmask. (I totally hc Ghost as autistic so maybe he and his partner just vibe in silence together)

COD:MW boys w/an autistic partner

rating: general

character(s): GN!Reader, John Price, Kyle "Gaz" Garrick, Simon "Ghost" Riley, John "Soap" MacTavish, Gary "Roach" Sanderson, Alejandro Vargas, Rodolfo Parra, König, Kim "Horangi" Hong-jin, Hound

word count: ~5.2k

warning(s): possible inaccuracies, mentions of autism symptoms, mentions of masking, lotsa comfort 'n fluff

a/n: as per usual, feel free to tell me if I've misrepresented or misinformed. I'm undiagnosed, but extremely certain that I'm ND so I've included experiences I found that I share with autism symptoms :] On the other hand, idgaf about realistic military limits on medical issues and medication, this is literally fanfiction and not that deep.

beta reader: ChordataUtopia on ao3

Price

I'd like to think with his time in the military, he's probably had acquaintances, friends, or subordinates who are on the spectrum, so at the very least, he knows what to expect and has a few mental notes on it.

So it's not a problem for him when he sees it on your file.

It's when you become a thing that he actually starts researching about it, and really in-depth, the same way he would when doing background checks.

He's a pretty fast talker, so you have trouble keeping up with all the info he throws at you sometimes. At first, he thought you weren't paying attention, but then he realized you just had issues trying to process so much at once, which is vastly different when compared to how he can take in a bunch at a time. He's learned to be more concise, and surprisingly, it's helped some of the others on the team, too.

One of the perks of dating a captain is getting to know the plans and schedules ahead of everyone and being one of the first to know about any last-minute alterations.

Whenever you're starting to feel overstimulated on base, Price has an eye out for you and calls you to his office. It's a subtle and easy way for him to take you out of a situation and pull you somewhere safe. After all, no one bothers to question the captain's orders.

Although the military doesn't really have quiet rooms, the two of you found that his office is the only place aside from your shared quarters where you can feel safe and sound. Everyone respects Price's office space, so it's always nice and tranquil there. He's used to this one-on-one time so he keeps your favorite drink in a mini-fridge, something for you to fidget with quietly, and an extra comfy chair for you, along with medication if you need any.

Turns out, the voice of a captain is also helpful for keeping you grounded. It isn't aggressive, it isn't demanding, it's firm. He helps keep you in the moment when you feel your mind drift from your body, whether in private or on a mission. He's also direct and doesn't beat around the bush, so misunderstandings are rare.

If you take medication, it used to be difficult for you to get it restocked. Healthcare system and all its perks. But now, after dating John, strangely enough, it seems you get it on time almost always and hand-delivered by him. Hm.

His favorite thing to do is to listen to your rambles while he does his paperwork. You're worried you're bothering him, but he just responds with, "Not at all, love. I wouldn't trade this moment for the world," and tells you to continue discussing whatever you are particularly interested or fascinated about.

John doesn't tell you, but he sometimes wishes he had more paperwork just to spend more time with you in the office.

Gaz

Probably has had neurodivergent friends or family, and doesn't know a lot about the matter, but he's open-minded from the start.

He's a quick learner, too. Not just in combat but with your relationship. He notices your little habits, what makes you tick, and what keeps you in the zone.

And thank whatever being above that you were blessed with such a patient man. If you're having difficulties wrapping your head around a concept or directions, he'll explain it in a way you can understand. Sometimes, people talk too fast, too quietly, or too vague. Gaz finds that there's no shame in it.

One of the things he notices is that sometimes you mimic how he talks, like certain phrases or words. Especially if you're non-UK. Some of your repeated phrases are "oh my days", "cheers", or "takin' the piss". Fluent accent and all. He doesn't find it insulting or strange, he thinks it's actually pretty cute and doesn't poke fun at you for it.

Usually, he's not a fan of when people get too chatty with him, but it's you. He can't find himself getting irritated when you're talking so passionately about your special interest, latest hyper fixation, or whatever got to you because he knows you're being your genuine self and not talking out of your ass.

Your eyes light up, you're no longer using the tone of a soldier with all its formalities, yet you articulate the more and more you converse with him. Your hands even start to fidget and flap when you get deep in discussion.

"Keep going, love. I'm listening." He smiles at you from the corner of his eye, reorganizing his locker. It's meaningful to him, being the one person you trust to listen and engage when you need a break from masking.

He's got an eye for when you're having an out-of-body experience, helping you keep your head in missions without belittling you for feeling elsewhere.

Overstimulated or overwhelmed? Don't worry, he's got you. Kyle has his headphones on him a lot of the time whenever he can. When he sees your eyes looking in the distance or darting around while you feel your skin itch and your mind's a blur, he pops them on you and turns up a playlist he's made with your favorites.

In other cases, he's either scouting a spot for you to retreat to or verbally guiding you until you can unwind.

Sometimes when he can't immediately stick to your side or assist you, he'll take his cap and put it on you with a gentle smile. It's his way of saying that he notices you and to hang on just a bit, he'll be right there as soon as he's done, love.

Ghost

Autistic Ghost truther right here!!

I like to think Ghost always suspected he wasn't neurotypical, and would eventually get diagnosed. But ever since meeting you, it's only sped up his realization. Especially when he saw the difference between whether you're masking or not. It really hit him like a barrel of trucks that day.

He came to you first about it, trying to play it off as curiosity and just wanting to be more informed, but even if you aren't well-versed with body language or small cues, you could just tell that the gears were starting to turn in his head.

While you knew numerous factors led to your blossoming relationship, you like to think the trust you two built after you helped him come to terms with his autism kickstarted it all.

You quickly realized how much of it has gone unnoticed, how eerily good he was at masking himself. He claimed he was more comfortable with the 141 and that outside of that, he was just fulfilling his role as lieutenan- oh my god, you're right.

He gets ticked off when there's a change in plans if a last-minute decision is made but he bites his tongue about it, despises it when people aren't straightforward, prefers bluntness, sits in the far and darker corners of the mess hall where it's calmer, or just avoids it altogether and eats in his room, doesn't understand when people think he's being rude or mean, the list goes on.

There is... a lot to uncover.

But it's all worth it for the little things.

Like when you two created a subtle way to tell each other "I love you" when the words won't come out, three little taps on the inside of the wrist.

Or when you both need to unwind after a particularly triggering mission and you just can't articulate yourselves. No one else notices it and passes it off as you two just being quieter than you usually are, but the two of you catch onto each other like wildfire.

You'll retreat into your quarters and sit on the bed, back-to-back in the dark, where Simon can pull off the mask to just breathe and you can just feel. A comfortable silence lingers in the air while your hearts sync until one of you breaks the silence.

"Absolute trainwreck that one was, huh?" One of you dryly chuckles.

And the other mutters back, "You can say that again."

There's this one particular memory he has of when you surprised him with a gift one day. He wasn't much of a taker than a giver, but seeing how giddy you were, he couldn't decline.

Opening it, he was surprised with a custom butterfly knife, an obsidian-black handle with silver engravings of skulls, thorns, and roses, along with his initials on the blade. You remembered his interest in knives and how he tended to mess with them as a stim, so you bought him a knife he could flip around smoothly and quietly while still keeping up appearances.

With the way he looked at it, someone would've assumed you just proposed to him with a diamond ring or something.

You expected him to put it in his collection, but he uses it a lot in his spare time.

He keeps it in top condition and never leaves it unless he has to.

Soap

He's heard of it, met people with it, though he doesn't quite understand it yet. Johnny's tried to look into it but finds most sources sound contradicting to each other or just don't make sense compared to the experiences you describe and the ones that others have.

You tell him it's fine, you appreciate the effort, and it's okay if he occasionally asks questions when appropriate.

If there's one thing about him, it's that he's quick and creative when it comes to accommodating you. He carries extra earplugs with him on missions and comes up with signals for you to use when you have trouble expressing, so it's easier for him to figure out what you need (turns out he's a visual learner, too).

He makes it ridiculously easy to unmask, too, always so happy to see you, to listen, to talk—he just loves you so much. Something about his energy and how he can slowly and gently open you up like a treasured, well-kept, and well-loved book with just that sweet tone of his.

Sometimes when you're stuck in your head, he pretends he's performing surgery to remove your brain or something, making little silly little noises and tracing your forehead like he's cutting it, a little pop! and he's all "Now you cannae think 'bout anythin'", and it's so stupid but works.

You find the best thing he can do is just hold you. He's got this firm hold that makes you feel like you're wrapped in a warm blanket and a strong heartbeat that reverberates through you. You'd tend to count the beats in your head and just allow yourself to be absorbed in his embrace.

It's all just a few of the numerous things he's done to improve your relationship.

But you have to be real with him for a moment.

You guys know that one tiktok audio? The one that's like:

"I ain't sure what HD is but the doctor said I got 80 of them bitches! WOOO—"

Yeah, Johnny, don't think we haven't noticed.

One day, he lightheartedly jokes that he relates to some of what you go through and that maybe he's autistic, too.

"Well... you're not too far off."

"Haha, what?"

So turns out the MacTavish family has a whole history of ADHD and ADD. His family's always had an inkling, but Soap's natural personality just really blurred the lines.

To be honest, it was so obvious. The way the two of you would parrot each other and your teammates, how he banged his fists on tables whenever he got really excited or antsy, couldn't stand still when he'd constantly be shifting his weight between his feet, popped his lips to break silence, all the impulses that get him in trouble a lot of the time, random bouts of eery calmness, his hyperfocus when working on a new project, the time you caught him unconsciously imitating the sound of the heart monitor after he nearly blew himself up in an accident, you get the idea.

Soap's love language, from physical affection and words of affirmation, is gift-giving! The moment he sees something that reminds him of you, what you like, or something you've been talking about a lot lately, he gets so excited to see your reaction when he surprises you with it and is practically bouncing with anticipation.

Definitely made you cute little cue cards with silly doodles, and even some with Scottish slang. He was especially proud of these.

Roach

He gets you. He really, really, really gets you.

Roach, are you perhaps neurodivergent?

You wouldn't be surprised. You figured he was ever since he explained how he wasn't Deaf or completely mute. He just said he felt nonverbal a lot of the time, selectively mute. That was something that really clicked with you.

In fact, you found he was the easiest to talk to about it. He didn't have many questions other than asking what made you uncomfortable and if you wanted him to teach you some ASL.

You said yes, of course.

Before you were a couple, you were best friends. Practically inseparable with energies complimenting each other. No one was surprised when you guys became public, much to your own surprise.

Learning ASL has been one of the most helpful things Roach has done for your guys' relationship; you don't feel as isolated in your nonverbal state. It also helps clear up misunderstandings with the rest of the team sometimes when one of you can communicate on the other's part. You still struggle with some expressions periodically, but you're pretty fluent!

There is so much open communication in your relationship, it's just a fresh breath of air, holy shit. But the negative part to that is when there is a misunderstanding, it can get a little messy, not horrible, but just kind of overwhelming for the both of you where you need to take a breather and just tune out in your heads for a bit before you can approach each other again.

Overstimulation comes more easily to you than it does to Roach, so you often find yourself either going to him or him leading you somewhere more private where you can quietly wind down.

On a more positive note, you guys have the most energetic of conversations. You'll both be spewing out hyperfixes, random thoughts, and interests, some of Roach's being random facts about zoology or history facts (his favorite are the world wars, unsurprisingly).

"The Egyptians believed that the most significant thing you could do with your life was die."

"Sick."

You two jump from subject to subject, then return to one only to forget what you were supposed to talk about, then move on to something else before remembering what was supposed to be said, and then dropping the conversation altogether like nothing happened.

The entirety of Task Force 141 and SpecGru has given up on trying to interrupt these moments for any reason besides work, it's been proven fruitless. You guys are simply too far in the deep end, there is no saving from hyperfix hell.

Gary's also like a crow, he memorized your interests and whenever he sees something related to that, like a trinket when he's out and about, he'll buy it for you. You two do this to the point where it's kinda getting cluttered in your quarters...

Alejandro

Yeah, I'm afraid he's a little undereducated about it, growing up in an environment with a stigma over mental health issues type of deal.

Don't worry, he's not bigoted by any means, just confused about what it's exactly about because of how much misinformation is out there. I think there was a time when he might've believed in some stereotypes and acted rudely about it, except that was when he was really young and dumb.

When he told you this, it broke your heart, but for a different reason. You told him it wasn't his fault, he was raised in an environment that provided little awareness on the issue, that's just how many people are raised. As much as you hate to admit it, that's just how the majority of the world is. What matters is that he acknowledged he was wrong, and that he was just a kid.

"You're too kind, mi sol," He murmurs, pressing a kiss on your knuckles.

"And you're too hard on yourself, love." You respond, cradling the side of his face with a smile.

Unintentionally or not, meeting you led him to realize he might have his own difficulties with his mental health. After all, being colonel would take a toll on anyone, and after the events involving the Shadows? He needs a break above anyone else in the Vaqueros.

Much like Price, he's learned to create as much of a supportive environment for you and the rest of his soldiers with a general no-tolerance policy on ableist bullshit.

Sometimes, it can be a little challenging for him to reach out to you or vice versa, largely because of his busy schedule and job as commander. He can't indulge you as much as he wishes. Patience was something the two of you had to learn and overcome in your relationship.

But if you really need him, or if you're having a difficult time while he's preoccupied, you give him a few taps on the shoulder, and he gives you a nod mid-conversation with a subordinate. At the end of the day, he comes and finds you, and asks you a few questions you can answer with a simple nod or shake of your head. You trace a heart into his palm, a straightforward reminder, and he smiles and kisses your forehead.

It takes a while, but he carefully unravels you with gentle comfort, just holding you, and taking your time. He's not the most patient man, but for you, he certainly tries. When you finally start returning to yourself, no longer the soldier or the "different one". Just you. He greets you with a kiss and listens to whatever you say for the rest of the night.

It's worth the wait, so long as you're in his arms.

Rodolfo

Rudy has a similar situation to Alejandro. The only difference is that it never quite sat right with him as a kid. Ultimately, it led him to educate himself and seek out actual resources.

He could never understand the stigma, too naive as a child only to find out the truth when he was older. Somehow, it hurt him too, maybe because of how he shared some qualities.

He figured he wasn't autistic, but he knew he wasn't neurotypical either, tiny impulses here and there constantly proving him right, ways that he didn't connect with other people. Meeting you had only confirmed it for himself.

At first, he never noticed it, you were usually masking in front of them all anyway. But when he started to spend more time with you in between missions and get to know the real you, he started to see how vastly different you were when he first met you.

The comment slips out and he apologizes, but you laugh it off as his friend and closest confidant. It's hard to really put it into words, but he understands, he always does. You learn that early on in your relationship.

Instead of words, he uses gestures to console you. Acts of service is his kind of love language. Helping you with your work, doing all the chores you couldn't bring yourself to do that day, the simple things. Mugs of warm drinks, a little mazapán or gansito, a treat to quell your mind a little. A small nostalgic snack break always helps him in hard times between all the work, so he hopes you enjoy them, too. Expect him to join you whenever he's feeling a little out of it.

You worry that it feels like an excuse to hog him to yourself when it isn't. He's always willing—even if it was a ploy, he wouldn't mind it all that much. Seeing you ease up makes him come out of his shell, too. It's something good for both of you.

"Need a refill, cariño?"

You shake your head, "No, just... stay? Please?"

"Of course." He beams in a way that has your heart nearly skipping a beat despite how long you've been together. Maybe you should marry him on the spot.

There are moments when he holds you that you hear him humming his favorite songs. You tell him he has a wonderful voice, but he bashfully denies it. However, it doesn't stop him from humming, not when it helps bring you back down to earth or get a compliment out of you after some silence.

König

Doesn't exactly know what it is, thought it was like a bad trait or something because someone called him autistic once as a kid, but in a derogatory way. Made you go 'yikes' and explain the whole thing. He apologized for his initial shock when you told him you were autistic and felt disgusted when he realized why he was called that back then.

He's quick to pick up on your cues, mood differences, or how you process things. After all, he gave himself a trained eye from all that sniper training.

The first time you were nonverbal around him, he was slightly worried. It was after an arduous mission that had you completely knackered, mentally and physically. He thought you were in a state of shock or something, and he was about to call a medic before you dragged him away and had to physically force him not to. Later, you had to explain to him what happened again, but he was still a little concerned for your wellbeing.

You're well aware and so is he that he probably has ADHD and social anxiety, but to be honest, you wouldn't actually doubt the idea that he could be autistic either.

You both noticed it when you were ranting about how annoying some of your habits were, whether it be an inability to properly express emotions, an inability to understand social cues, the need to mask around others, or how much certain sensations bothered you when they shouldn't because it's so stupid that they do. He'd often respond with, "Oh, I do that too!" or "Yeah, I have that sometimes." At first, you thought he related to some of the lighter symptoms shared with people in general, but then it came to a point where he related a bit too much that you had to let yourself think about whether your boyfriend just happened to have the double whammy of ADHD and autism.

Chances were likely.

One thing that surprised König when you two discussed how he could help comfort you is lying on top of you.

"But Schatz, I'm too big, I would crush you, like a weight or something."

"Oh sweetheart... that's the point."

Genuinely, he's a wonderful makeshift weighted blanket with the great addition of being your boyfriend. It's the perfect distraction for your mind to focus on something and someone else—the weight of his body weight distributed on yours, your breathing synced with his, his heartbeat against your chest, and just having someone to hold.

Loves it when you start parroting and picking up some of his phrases, especially the German ones. He'll ignore the pronunciations if they're bad, but he's just gleaming with pride when he sees you taking out an enemy and spitting German curses at them the same way he does. Practically makes goo-goo eyes on the battlefield.

Horangi

Same thing about being brought up in an environment that isn't the most informed nor supportive about neurodivergence. He's not the proudest of his younger self, and he knows he's made some mean remarks about it as a dumb kid, but he's long since moved on. Getting out into the world has taught him to grow more tolerant and understanding, but he's still ashamed of the ignorant stuff he did.

He worries that you'll hate him for it, despite it being ages ago. He's used to being reminded of his mistakes and failures, such as his gambling addiction and delinquency.

What he struggles with most is trying to find a way to comfort you or help you unwind. He's not great with words since he's worried about screwing something up, so the most he can do is pull you somewhere the two of you can be alone and give you space.

But that doesn't mean he doesn't try. He tries several things, like keeping your favorite snacks on hand, doodling on your skin with his markers to distract you, getting some music playing, earplugs on hand, and stuff that he knows he can't royally fuck up.

You propose that he creates some cute cue cards for you so that it helps him figure out your needs, and you don't miss how he tries to hide his eagerness. He presents you with the cards all connected on a metal ring, red, blue, and black doodles with words in both English and Korean, acting like he just did it on a whim when the amount of care and love put into it is obvious.

One of the cards only has a single phrase on it in Korean, and you already knew it. You still asked.

"Hong-jin, what does this say?"

"Ah- uh... 사랑해요 (saranghaeyo)."

"Mind telling me?"

"... good job?"

"Uh-huh... so why are there so many hearts?"

"Because you think I did a really good job..?"

Again, he's not great with words. That includes letting you know that he wants to be told "I love you" more.

Lightheartedly calls you a nerd once when you ramble about your hyperfixations or special interest, only for you to fire back with a comment about his K-pop collection of albums, signatures, fancams, photocards, lightsticks...

"That's not the sam- no... dammit, no."

Face the music, Horangi. Your special interest is K-pop and each new album is just another hyperfix. You're just as much of a nerd.

Hound

Autism? Okay, but the fuck does that have to do with you blasting the enemy with an RPG right now?

Honestly, he thought you just had some strange quirks and issues. Maybe you were like him. He figured he was just "broken" in some way, that they were "weaknesses" of his. The more he spent time with you, the more he questioned why he is the way he is.

Yet he doesn't judge you because he most likely knows how it feels to be in that position, and he wants to be the support he doesn't have but wishes he had.

Actually, that's the real glue of your relationship—how easily Hound adapts to your structures and needs without question. If it conflicts with theirs, they won't hesitate to directly address it and work it out with you. You return the same energy and reassure him he's not alone in feeling this way. Hell, you make him feel normal for once.

Both of you have issues verbalizing, so you'll be tracing hearts, question marks, checks, and x's on each others' palms. They even teach you Morse code to tap little phrases. You never need to worry about miscommunication if you're direct with them. They're always direct with you, and they hate when people aren't specific.

Hound's not much of a talker, but they're definitely a listener, and they could honestly listen to you talk for days. If someone dares to interrupt you or criticize you for talking too much because he "seems like he's not interested" and you're "taking up his time", he shoots them a glare to fuck off.

Most likely, your interests will become his interests, too.

You notice they mask almost constantly but act much more natural, tender, and less structured when they're around you, showing a side of themselves with a variety of emotions no one else would ever see either. More human, and less war dog.

You both like to be alone, but alone together. Hound used to ask you to leave him alone whenever he needed to self-isolate but started to let you stick around when they needed a moment. The two of you are much more physically affectionate and even more talkative, and you both value the trust you grant each other to show the more vulnerable side of yourselves. You guys are woven like thread; the moment one unravels, so does the other.

Sometimes, all it takes is a weak smile from you or his hands interlocking with yours to find the calm in the storm.

a/n 2: I'm back, teehee :3

[j0kers-light]

Sorry if you've already done this but could you write something about a sick!reader? Maybe the reader got the flu, and how Joker would react/if at all? And maybe reader was the type to ignore it and try to continue on with her life normally, which results in her getting sicker (but not deadly or anything). Maybe like she had the flu but since she never stopped working she got worse (or maybe got pneumonia for drama, if your comfortable with that) and took longer to recover. Totally not me here 😅😅😅

Dang you ain’t gotta call yourself out like that anon 🥴

I haven’t written a sick!reader yet. Lemme fix that. You know Chaos is all about drama so buckle up! I hope you enjoy and get better love!

Side note: I was asking my mother questions to fact check the medical info and after answering them all, she has a moment of realization. "Who has pneumonia, Chaos?! Are they okay?" 🖤✨

You are not sick, you just have a slight fever which will go away in time. You don’t have time to rest, you need to finish your work! That’s the lie you’ve been telling yourself for half a week.

Since it’s just a fever, you don’t bother Joker who is busy doing whatever he does.. blowing up stuff? Murder? Annoying Batman?

Whatever J does, it’s not important enough to worry him.

You’ve been ignoring the mild symptoms for days now. Nothing too severe, so you continue typing away on your computer, blissfully unaware it will get much worse.

Joker wakes up to get ready and spots you on the couch, looking dazed. He takes in your flushed cheeks and glassy eyes and suspects you’re getting worse rather than better.

The entire week you’ve been acting strange, waving off his growing concern, and being more stubborn than usual. He doesn't like it but won’t address the issue until he knows you're on the verge of death. He hopes it doesn't reach that point.

“You still with me pretty girl?” J doesn’t like how long it takes for you to respond and declares he’s staying home tonight.

Then you remember he has a big money exchange happening tonight that he can’t miss for anything. You would feel guilty if he stayed home and missed it all for naught.

You quickly put on a façade. “I’m fine! Don’t worry about me!” It takes a lot of reassuring to convince Joker that you’re okay and after almost an hour of sucking up, he leaves.

The second he’s out the door, you have a coughing fit. You do feel a bit.. off but you are adamant. You are not sick.

Joker on the other hand isn’t stupid. He knows you are sick. Your breathing is labored, and you looked near faint. You are getting worse.

He keeps the live feed of your apartment open on his phone all night to watch over you.

Just because he’s a busy man doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. In fact, he’s absolutely worried. Joker has food and healthy snacks delivered to your place while he’s gone, but you don’t eat them.

Instead you sit up and type away, acting like your body isn’t slowly shutting down.

He’s hardly listening to the meeting, he’s fully focused on his phone as your current coughing fit has you nearly hacking up a lung.

He can see the blood dotting the handkerchief and when you stand up for the first time in hours, his heart plunges to his stomach seeing you faint.

Screw the meeting. The moment Joker watched his Bunny pass out in the living room, he's on a mission to reach your side.

Frost knew what to do in his absence. You are Joker's only priority. Batman could be right behind him and Joker would not care.

Why did he listen to you? He should have never left in the first place. You were stubborn, near delirious with sickness to make any sound decisions! Why did he leave you at home all alone?! He blamed himself the entire ride over. Thankfully he had a mind to call Dr. Sarai so she could be on the way.

You needed medical attention at this point. You ignored this for far too long.

Joker wasted no time bursting the door in and shouting your name in a panic. He went through a thousand emotions finding you unresponsive on the floor.

The main one? He didn’t want to be alone again, not after finding you. He won't know a love like yours ever again, even if he tried. You had to wake up. You have to open your eyes and tell him you're okay.

And this time you better mean it. If you lie to his face again.... Joker can't take it.

Dr. Sarai arrives and quickly gets to work administering fluids and other meds that get you back on the mend but not fast enough.

Only his Bunny is dumb enough to brush off pneumonia as a mere fever. Joker wants to kill you for being so stupid but first he'll have to wait at least three more weeks until you're truly back to normal.

Then the two of you are going to have a long talk about telling him the truth.

[karizard-ao3]

Sex and sexuality is a prevalent theme in NGE, and especially in EoE. What are your thoughts about this?

I've been sitting on this one (and therefore the other asks in my inbox because I like to do them in order) for a few days to see if I could come up with a nice, coherent answer, but, as always, I can't so I must ramble instead.

One of the things I appreciate about the way sex/ sexuality is addressed in NGE/EoE is how messily and amorally it is portrayed, because I feel like that's very realistic. Clearly, it is important to apply morality to sex in practice (like, getting consent, respecting the sexual boundaries of your relationship(s), etc), but internally it's all a sloppy grey area, and sometimes people are going to do questionable things in moments of weakness (ex. try to hook up with an ex's bff who you don't even get along with because you're drunk and still upset about the breakup). And we see that a lot in Evangelion, as well as the characters' conflicting feelings about it.

For instance, Misato. Do I actually think she was attracted to Shinji? No. I think she cared about him very much as a guardian, but when she didn't know how to comfort him/ encourage him, she turned to offering sex. I read someone saying that she sees sex as a source of comfort due to sleeping with Kaji as a way to get over her father's death, which could be true, but I'm not sure that seems quite right to me. I believe she uses it as a tool in some ways. As an escape in others. And as a way to manufacture emotional connectedness in other instances. Sometimes all at once. And we see that she feels conflicted about it as well, because she's not sure if she loves Kaji or is using him. Then, Queen Daddy issues saw her ward in a bad spot and, with everything going to shit around them, she tries to use sex as a tool to motivate Shinji and also show him that she cares about him (even though it was so incredibly inappropriate 😭). Anyway, for Misato, sex is the cure to the hedgehog's dilemma, I suppose!

And then there's Shinji. The only time he seems able to make any kind of advance towards Asuka is when she is asleep, which I do not think is a sign that he is a predator but more an indicator of how deeply pervasive his inability to open himself up to other people is. It is *symbolic*. It's not okay what he did, but I think we are supposed to see it as a symptom of his own self loathing, and that he wants to reach out and touch people but is too afraid to make the move when they are able to perceive him doing it. Shinji masturbating to Asuka's exposed body at the hospital was obviously wrong, but it also seems like the summary of his relationship with her and the version of himself that exists through her. I'm trying to think how to describe it. i've written and deleted so many things. I don't know. Ugh. When she cannot see him, he can finally reveal how desperate he is for her to be with him. She is the one he seeks out when everything goes to shit, although if she were awake, I don't think he could have been so honest about how much he needed her. But she's in a coma so he is free to beg her to wake up, then, when her robe falls open... you know. It's like he's carrying out his half of a relationship in a bubble, without every offering her the chance to join him. And he hates himself for it, just like he hates himself for what he did in her hospital room. He knows masturbating to her unconscious body was wrong. He knows she is more than just jackoff fuel. He know she deserves to actually be held and loved. But he is immobilized by his fear of rejection and how others see him (and also so unbelievably horny because he's a teenage boy). The kiss between him and Asuka is really unfortunate because if either of them had just given the other any kind of indication that it was special to them in any way, I think things would have gone a lot differently. Shinji believes Asuka was just doing it because she was bored and mad about Kaji being out with Misato (right? Am I remembering the circumstances right?), and then, because Shinji just stood there, Asuka believes that Shinji only let her kiss him because she grabbed his nose and forced him, and not because of any affection for her. They were both too afraid to be honest. Maybe if Asuka had been more patient, Shinji would have closed the space and kissed her. Maybe if Shinji had held her, she wouldn't have run away after, screaming about it being a mistake. Maybe it wouldn't have gotten to the point where the hospital scene played out the way it did.

Which brings me to Asuka, who is the last one I will talk about because I think these three are the ones with the more convoluted attitudes towards sex and also this is already getting long. I think Asuka was really profoundly affected by her father finding and hooking up with another woman while her mother was ill (her mother's doctor, no less). I think it gave her the belief that a woman who is able to provide sex is a woman who will receive loyalty and love. She throws herself at Kaji, an adult who she feels safe with and wants the approval of, because, to her, that is the way to secure his affection. When we first meet her, she shows off how big her boobs got. Could that not be her way of announcing that she is lovable? But Kar, you might say, she freaks out about boys looking at her panties and things. To which I say: Yeah. She's 14. She's putting on a show, just like in everything else she does, trying to prove to everyone that she is worthwhile. Look how artlessly she comes on to both Shinji and Kaji. She wants to be seen as sexy and desirable because to her that's a means to an end, which is making sure people have a reason to want her around and notice her. What she really wants to be cherished. If Shinji had been able to show her that he reciprocated her interest/attraction, then I think there would have been a natural progression in their physical relationship. In closing, Asuka exists in a perpetual state of conflict because she demands love in whatever way she thinks the can obtain it, but she does not actually know what the love she needs looks like. I think if someone simply hugged her and stroked her hair and told her how brave she's been, she would sob for a day and a night.

Whew. And, of course, my thoughts might change after I finish my rewatch and eventually get my hands on the rebuild movies and rewatch in the future, but that's where I am on the subject right now. And I didn't even address Shinji and Kaworu. But, I think that whole thing is pretty straightforward. Kaworu pretty much ignores all of Shinji's reservations and showers him in praise and affection and Shinji goes all heart eyes because it's the first time he's felt wanted and he's bi.

[aihoshiino]

i wonder how different the story would have gone if, instead of sending ryosuke, kamiki would have visited ai on his own.

the part of me that needs them to be happy says that while he isn't necessarily enamored with the twins at first, he still tries to his best with them. maybe they think he's their new babysitter at first, that'd be funny.

anyways, kamiki awkwardly co-parenting with ai and both of them fumbling through being exes and parents and still caring so deeply for eachother but also being too traumatized to properly communicate.

aqua and ruby are first hostile when they realize that this is the man that got ai pregante™, and then they become the twos biggest shippers. cue incredibly convoluted attempts to get them together again. (i feel that it is important to point out that they're still toddlers at that time, which would make this extra funny)

So the thing about HKAI and the mess that was their relationship is that Hikaru sending Ryosuke in his place is ultimately a symptom, not a cause. It is a consequence of his arrested development in regards to Ai and his inability to conceive of a world where the two of them exist separate of their relationship. To a degree, asking 'could Hikaru and Ai be happy if he didn't send Ryosuke' is kind of asking for Hikaru to be a different character, because at the place he's at at the moment he makes that decision, he can't not make that choice. I've described Ai's tragedy in the past as being simultaneously preventable and unavoidable and the same goes for Hikaru. It's like a fucked up reverse Oroborous - in order to create the conditions for him to be a happier and healthier person, he must already have started taking the steps towards becoming that person - or at least to be further down the road than he is at the equivalent point in canon.

Even if we remove Ryosuke from the picture, I can't really imagine things going that well. I kind of touched on it in a previous ask but even the one-sided conversation we hear that seals Ai's fate raises a lot of red flags for me. He leaps to assuming that Ai is trying to get back together with him and when gently turned down romantically but still offered an opening back into her life as the father of her children, he chooses to betray her trust and send someone to terrorize and potentially hurt Ai and their children so she could 'feel his despair'. Even if we believe his insistence that he really didn't think Ryosuke would kill her, this is still an utterly reprehensible thing to do. It implies a level of not just desire but outright entitlement - that he feels he has the right to 'punish' Ai for… what? Not wanting to rush back into a relationship with him after like, five years of minimal-to-no contact? When he's gone right ahead and proved that the issues that caused their breakup have not been resolved?

Obviously, this is not to say that Hikaru doesn't sincerely love Ai with all his heart or that he doesn't care for her at all. I actually think that contradiction between his clearly observable feelings for her and the actions he nevertheless chooses to take is really fascinating in what it adds to him as a character. A big part of the reason why Hikaru's so fucked up is because he's so deeply in love with Ai and so utterly unable to cultivate a nuanced or healthy relationship with his idea of her.

So… I guess if I'm honest, my vision of it is more Hikaru using visiting the twins as a way of leveraging his way back into Ai's life, successfully or otherwise. I don't really see a scenario where Hikaru is able to work out his shit and become a decent father or partner for Ai, just because too many of his issues are tangled up in this longed-for codependence with her. Maybe this older and wiser Ai could find a way to save him like she wished for, but… is it really fair to put that weight on her shoulders? Why should she, a person with her own desperate struggles and lack of support, go right back to performing the backbreaking emotional labor that contributed to that all-consuming codependence in the first place?

To be clear, I'm saying this as a proud HikaAi shipper who loves a fucked up life-warping codependent romance, but in the context of Oshi no Ko and when we're talking about what would actually make these characters happy, I think Hikaru and Ai, at the place they are at the time of the tragedy, are not in a position to make each other truly fulfilled and happy.

askslmdslkdlsmdsl i'm so sorry anon you sent me such a cute prompt and got this utterly harrowing essay in response 😭 I'M SORRY THAT'S JUST HOW IT CAME OUT

[thenightfolknetwork]

Turning isn't fun for me. I don't know if it's my particular strain of lycanthropy or if it's just me, but it hurts... a lot. It's really inconvenient.

I can feel the full moon deep in my bones. I've heard others describe it like a buzzing energy, a pinch in your center, or ah, I don't know a restlessness, maybe? It's annoying and a pain to deal with, but ultimately, nothing completely life altering. It's not like that for me.

For me, the moon is a constant ache that grows worse as the month advances. I can feel my bones grinding, twisting, and shuffling around. I've had to make a chart on what times of the month certain foods are dangerous for me to eat because the closer I get to the full, the more canine my insides are.

Now, my pack is incredibly supportive in all this. We've gone to doctors, witches, the fae, you name it, to try and find a way to cope. So far, we can't pin what's wrong, but we've found a way to manage my pain to be somewhat tolerable. My pack is not the problem. My problem is Debbie.

Debbie is a wolf shifter. While her change is influenced by the moon, she has conscious control over when she can shift, and by her own admission, it's virtually painless. She is also my only coworker connected to the community.

It was fine for a while. I thought we'd hit it off. As the only two people of the night, we could support each other like no one else in the job could. We'd trade jokes, cover each other's shifts at work when we weren't scheduled the same day, or just talk. I considered her a friend, or maybe more than, and even talked about introducing my pack to her.

The thing is, due to the nature of my condition, I have to take three days off a month. For years, this set up as been fine. Sure, I get a little less time off than everyone, but I love my job, and it's not like i can really go anywhere, so I don't consider it much of a loss.

But last month, my time off was denied. They wouldn't accept it. I asked if there was anything I could do to get it off, another sick note or something, but they said that they had "investigated" my condition and confirmed with someone else in the community that I was overexaggerating my symptoms. They told me they would let me off with a warning because of my track record, but not to make it a habit.

I was crushed. One of the reasons I love my job is because of their leniency. Without it, I would get burnt out and possibly aggravate my condition.

I told Debbie what happened. It was partly to see if she could cover my shift, but also to warn her to be vigilant and protect herself in case something similar happened to her. It turns out, SHE was the one that claimed my symptoms were overexaggerated! This whole time, she thought I was making out my condition as worse than it is. Her packmates don't have my problems, so clearly I'm just trying weasel in some paid time off.

I was so, so angry. I shouldn't have yelled, but my pain, both mind and body, was excruciating, and I couldn't take it anymore. I think I got the point across, though. By the time one of my packmates came to pick me up, she looked absolutely wrecked.

It's been a month and we haven't spoken outside of work related things. I'm currently looking for a new job because even with paid time off, my condition is slowly eating into it. Plus, I have a life outside of my job and would like to spend time with my pack.

But I don't want to leave Debbie on a sour note. I might not trust her like I used to, but she was a friend. With me leaving, She'll be the only person of the night in the job. I feel guilty leaving her by herself.

So, how do I approach this? She broke my trust, but we have too much history for me to feel comfortable leaving without saying anything.

How can I talk to her without getting hurt? Is that even possible anymore?

I'll get to the final part of your question in just a moment, reader. First, I want to address some of the issues you've raised about your workplace.

You say that, because you take three sick days a month, you get less holiday than your co-workers. From this, I am inferring that you are taking these days off as holiday rather than sick leave. Which raises a great many questions about their refusal to grant you leave on the grounds of this so-called “investigation” of your condition.

Your employer is entitled to refuse you leave, but they can only turn down those requests on reasonable grounds, and they cannot refuse to give you your leave entirely. This refusal does not seem to be made on the grounds of any clear business grounds – they haven't cited understaffing as the reason, for example.

In fact, any business concerns they might cite are clearly unsubstantiated. You've been working there for years, with no evidence at all that this time off has affected the business. And if they have no business grounds on which to refuse you, you're entitled to take that time off as you wish.

Instead, your employers have refused you on the grounds of their so-called “investigation” of your health condition, thereby treating your holiday leave as sick leave. If this time off is sick leave, they need to do far more than asking the opinion of some random person of the night. To deny you sick leave, they must conduct a proper investigation into your condition and take the actual medical evidence into account.

There is a wealth of medical evidence that somatic transformation is a radically varied phenomenon, and chronic, painful transformations are well-documented as a real medical concern. This is not to mention the evidence you've accrued over the years of your own efforts to find treatment for your condition.

In short, they have no grounds to refuse you this time off. If you really don't want to leave that place of work, you need to stand your ground and push for the leave you're entitled to. Speak to your manager, and make it clear that you know your rights and are willing to escalate the matter as necessary to see that those rights are respected.

I also strongly recommend you speak to this manager about the obvious lack of professionalism shown by discussing your private medical issues with another employee. As well as being a violation of your privacy, it's also demonstrates an appalling lack of respect for liminal identities and the diversity of experiences within the community.

In short, reader, put the fear of God into them. With any luck, you'll be able to keep your job and your time off, and find the balance you need to manage your condition in a healthy, sustainable way.

As for Debbie, that's really up to you. You say you don't know how to speak to her without getting hurt, but that's not something you can control. There is nothing you can do to ensure she won't say something at best thoughtless, and at worst, actively hurtful. All you can do is brace yourself for the possibility, and plan for how you can look after yourself if she does end up hurting you.

To be frank, however, I'm not sure she deserves it. She's undermined your trust and forsaken any right to your time and energy. Talk to her if you really want to, but I think you'd be well within your rights to draw a line under that relationship and concentrate on relationships that centre respect and mutual care – or at the very least, a modicum of solidarity.

[For more creaturely advice, check out Monstrous Agonies on your podcast platform of choice, or visit monstrousproductions.org for more info]

[janetsboys]

Pink in the Night - RC

i didn’t do it right

can i try again, try again, try again?

✎.:｡✿*ﾟ‘ﾟ･✿.｡.:* *.:｡✿*ﾟ’ﾟ･✿.｡.:* *.:｡✿*ﾟ¨ﾟ✎･ ✿.｡.:* *.:｡

❃ characters: rafe!cameron x fem!reader

❃ A/N: poured my heart out for y’all 🙏🏻

❃ summary: y/n has been in a deep depression, and her boyfriend, is always by her side, even for the smallest tasks. like brushing her hair for her.

❃ warnings: depression and it’s symptoms, mostly just angst

english is not my first language <3

✎.:｡✿*ﾟ‘ﾟ･✿.｡.:* *.:｡✿*ﾟ’ﾟ･✿.｡.:* *.:｡✿*ﾟ¨ﾟ✎･ ✿.｡.:* *.:｡

The turmoil in your brain was insane when you started liking each other, he likes you, you like him, why wouldn’t you date? Probably because you didn’t want to ruin his life with your anxiety, and your deep and sometimes really long depressive episodes.

Surprisingly, it did not scare him away. Rafe was always one to take a challenge, but this was no joke to you. He was your friend before being your partner, and you warned him, it seemed like you almost begged him to go away before catching feelings or getting too attached to someone you were not.

No one had stayed 5 years like he did, you had an ex boyfriend who tried but it took a toll on him and he ran away, and you couldn’t bring yourself to fall in love with Rafe so deeply, knowing he’d probably take off.

He found the right words, he told you nothing you could say would change his mind. He wanted you, and no one else, he was not going to leave.

Rafe stood his ground, and with time, thanks to everything he learned to understand what was going on inside your head, he was able to take care of you. When you spiraled, when you were aggressive, when you were in a violent state of paranoia, when you couldn’t get out of bed anymore, when he couldn’t touch you, when you couldn’t talk anymore, when nothing could cheer you up.

It always broke his heart to see you this way, and it was also hard on him, which made you always apologize when you came back to yourself. But in the end, he didn’t even care about how much he was hurting. Rafe loved you so much he was willing to completely forget about his own feelings to be by your side, even if it meant not leaving the house anymore to make sure you would eat and take care of yourself.

You had been slowly sinking in a deep depression for almost two months, pushed further in it by the latest events in your life. The smallest thing pushed you over the edge, and you were gone. In your head, it felt like you were drowning in darkness, like you weren’t yourself anymore.

You didn’t talk much, you were absent, always in your head, you didn’t even hear Rafe talking to you most of the time.

You got out of the shower, you were utterly exhausted from the effort, you walked in your bedroom, and as soon as Rafe saw you, your tangled wet hair falling on your shoulders, he walked to you gently not to straddle you.

“Hey, let me brush your hair for you, y/n.” you heard him, you remembered him, at least you remembered that “the other you” trusts and loves him. But you hesitated, being so fragile right now, you could just go back to bed until tomorrow, but he took your hand gently, expecting a probable rejection, but you let him touch you. The warmth made you feel like you were real, like you were safe right now.

“Let me be the one taking care of you for once.” Rafe said, as if he hadn’t been supporting you through your episodes for 5 years, like you were the one always taking care of him.

Surely, he had his own issues and you were always a shoulder to cry on, but you also knew that what he did for you, was a hundred times harder to deal with.

So you nodded, and quietly sat on a chair, staring down at the floor. It felt like he would only hurt more if you didn’t let him help you in his way.

You usually either felt overwhelmed by sadness, paranoia or anger, or you didn’t feel anything.

This was a weird moment, because you kind of slightly felt like yourself again, and you felt your boyfriend’s gentle presence, the way he was carefully brushing your hair not to hurt you.

You looked up, seeing the mirror across the room, you could see yourself and the dark circles under your eyes. You could see you had a distant and detached expression, but you knew the girl in the mirror was you. As much as you wanted to be somebody else, this moment felt nice. Your tense body was a bit more relaxed than usual, you were close to peacefulness.

You could also see Rafe behind you, his soft movements untangling your hair, you didn’t feel overwhelmed, you didn’t want to scream at him that he didn’t truly love you, you didn’t feel like sobbing either, telling him he should leave you, though you were still profoundly sad. Because there was always the little voice in your head pushing you around.

He looked so focused, and you felt a pang of sadness and guilt in your heart, when you saw how sad his eyes looked. How tired he must be, living life for two.

He always said he didn’t care about your mental illness making him sad, “I’m not the one that’s constantly battling with their mind here, baby, seriously, I only suffer from seeing you hurting this much. And you’re, so strong, stronger than you give yourself credit for.” you remembered his words when you told him for the millionth time that you were sorry.

He always said those were hard times, that you would survive it together, but how could he hold on? No one was taking care of him when you were this way. Even when you were absent, you saw the tears in his eyes when he took care of you, you heard the deep breaths he took in the bathroom to ground himself, a sweet taste of “man up” hanging in the air. The words you fought to get out of his head, it still kept him going anyway.

His big hands wrapped around your hair, putting it on your back so it wouldn’t touch your neck and overstimulate you by its wetness and general texture, he spoke quietly “There you go”, you were staring at him in the mirror, like you were realizing how much he loves you.

Almost like you had never seen him before.

Rafe didn’t see you watching him for a while, he didn’t expect an answer either, you spoke quietly, some vulnerability in your voice “Thank you.” He shook his head, still relieved you spoke. “You don’t have to thank me, baby, it’s the least i can do.” he looked across the room, noticing you looking at him in the mirror, as he gave a small smile, and you gave him a smile too.

You were almost flustered by him calling you baby, because everything felt new, even after the hundredth time.

It felt so good, to smile. “There she is” you noticed how he smiled a bit more, also relieved to see the old y/n again even if it was a few seconds, even if you looked like you had never smiled before.

“Missed your smile” he leaned down, gently placing a kiss on your cheek, his touch always brought reality to you too, you were really here.

“C’mon now, sweetheart. You need to rest, you look exhausted” he spoke, the softness in his voice, the way his voice sounded like you were a scared child. It made you nod, though you didn’t really want to rest, you felt sad, you hated yourself for so many reasons, but mostly because you were hurting him and felt incapable of coming back, of gaining your motivation and mind back.

Rafe saw the look in your eyes, the resignation, he tilted his head slightly “I’ll go to bed with you, if you want.” you, didn’t want to be alone, not now, not when his smile gave you a grasp of reality again and you felt like yourself again or maybe like you could possibly be yourself again soon.

“Thank you” you weakly stood up from the chair, he shook his head, a smile on his face, you didn’t know why he smiled but you smiled back, not even on purpose this time, it felt like an old reaction from your body, to mirror his smile. He spoke, no firmness or aggressiveness in his voice “Stop thanking me”

You nodded “Sorry”, as you walked to the bed, “Don’t apologize either” Rafe said, a reassuring tone in his voice, his hand on your lower back to guide you to your side of the bed, always scared you might lose your balance from how fragile your body was when your mind was sick.

When he looked at you, you saw a sparkle in his eyes that you wished you had too, thinking it must be amazing to feel alive and useful.

His voice sounded like he needed you to know that he wasn’t forced to do this, that he wanted to because he loved you.

The minutes felt long again, which meant you weren’t drifting back in your blurry mind, which meant you felt real again and your psyche was in the same place as your body. Your head rested on your pillow, your body shifting to lie on your side, not as awkward as it used to feel lying down next to him when this bed didn’t feel like yours or when he didn’t feel like your boyfriend anymore.

You caught yourself staring at him at night sometimes, because you needed to force yourself to understand who he was, that he wasn’t a nurse taking care of you in a psych yard, or just a stranger in your bed.

“What are you thinking about?” he spoke quietly, not wanting to straddle you in case you were in your head again.

You sighed, relieved “Nothing.” this was a genuine nothing, because you were here, just looking at your boyfriend, and he nodded, his fingers tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, though he couldn’t get any expression from your face yet.

He didn’t want to push you too far, but he needed closeness, he missed you so much. And seeing a glimpse of you again after 8 weeks, Rafe spoke up, incapable of not trying “Can I hold you?” he asked, his heart pounding like he had never held you before, but he needed to protect himself from getting his feelings hurt if you refused. Which was likely to happen.

You thought for a moment, you felt good right now, you reminded yourself that you loved and trusted him. You nodded, your mind saying his name, as you looked at his face closely, “You know him” you repeated to yourself as he gently pulled you closer, your head resting against his chest, as his arm wrapped around your back.

It was weird how you fit perfectly there, like you were made to be in his arms. At first, you felt tense in his embrace, like he was a stranger again. But when you felt his hand soothing your back, up and down gently, you started to relax, feeling less awkward, remembering you had done that so many times before, it wasn’t new, it wasn’t scary: it was okay.

The first time you slept in this exact spot, was so long ago, but the other you remembered it perfectly.

You didn’t feel like a lost scared puppy anymore, for once the little voice in your head was yours easing the pain. This was right, and then, finally, the little voice in your head was quiet. Because, even your illness knew love was stronger.

Rafe’s chin rested on top of your head once he felt your body relaxing, “It’s okay, i’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.” he whispered like he could read your mind.

You nodded, your eyes peacefully closed, as he continued “I love you, y/n. You remember that, right?” as you nodded once again, knowing that feeling in your chest meant your body knew his touch, and you loved him too.

[kopfkino-o]

In Defense of Azriel: A Dissertation, Part One

One thing I see a lot within this fandom is the suggestion that Azriel, somehow, feels entitled to Elain, that he is some raging incel or some torture-loving freak or a white knight only interested in pursuing unattainable women, etc etc. And I am just not okay with that.

Azriel is SUCH a nuanced character and the fact so many people fail to see the context of his personality, his role within the narrative, and the obvious themes SJM is using in regard to his character is just... baffling to me. Especially when he has the potential to be such a powerful male character with an important story that deserves to be told.

So here we go, I'm defending Azriel with my whole chest. This is obviously a pro-Azriel post with pro-Elriel undertones, so if that isn't your thing then SCROLL.

Thx love you all bye.

1) Azriel suffers greatly with his sense of self-worth, so much so he thinks he is deserving of nothing.

We learn first from Mor that Azriel thinks so little of himself, no doubt a direct symptom of his childhood, that he harbors a deep sense of unworthiness. So much so that even if he were a prince, even if the woman he loved (I question this, but that is a whole other post I'll save for later, so I digress) stripped naked before him he wouldn't feel worthy enough to act.

"The issue, actually, wouldn't be me. It'd be him. I could peel off my clothes right in front of him and he wouldn't move an inch. He might have defied and proved those Illyrian pricks wrong at every turn, but it wouldn't matter if Rhys makes him Prince of Velaris--he'll still see himself as a bastard-born nobody, and not good enough for anyone. Especially me." - Mor, ACOMAF, Chapter 52

I think this is a great line to turn to when trying to understand the value Az places on himself. Mor says it herself, she could strip naked for him and he would still see himself as undeserving, still see himself as someone who shouldn't be granted the chance to have her affection. If he feels his way with Mor, someone who he supposedly has loved for centuries (again, I question this lol), then I think it's fair to claim he probably sees himself this way with all women.

This feels like the furthest thing from entitlement to me.

We can also see this inclination towards self-loathing come up again in the ACOSF Az bonus chapter when he gifts the necklace to Elain for the first time.

"He knew it was wrong, but there he was, sliding the necklace around her. Letting his scarred fingers touch her immaculate skin." - Azriel, ACOSF, Bonus Chapter (1 of 2)

These thoughts don't come from him thinking that he and Elain are wrong for wanting to be together, that their shared moment of affection (both now and as hinted at by the "This was the furthest it had ever gone" line) is wrong, but rather from this innate feeling of unworthiness. Az sees himself as nothing (see point below) and cannot fathom why someone like Elain, lovely Elain who resembles hope and the sun at dawn, would ever stop and see him. Give him her time, her offer and permission, would ever call his scarred hands-- the physical reminder of his trauma--beautiful.

He thinks it's wrong because he believes someone like him could never deserve a woman like her.

"Until he felt nothing. Was again nothing at all." Azriel, ACOSF, Bonus Chapter (1 of 2).

LIKE COME ON. This man sees himself as nothing. The fact he spoke up regarding his thoughts on the Cauldron potentially being wrong to begin with was a big thing for him, he who has many secrets, and Rhys SHUT HIM DOWN. 500+ years and even Cassian states Az is slow to open up, see below:

"Cassian knew it was a lie, but didn't push it. Az would speak when he was ready, and Cassian would have better success convincing a mountain to move than getting Az to open up." - Cassian, ACOSF, Chapter Nineteen

Az did speak this time, he felt so strongly and questioned fate itself so fiercely that he opened up to Rhys. He questioned the Cauldron, the fatemaker itself, not because he is entitled to Elain, but because there is something between them, something that has been brewing between them ever since their first meeting, something so fierce he is (finally) compelled to open up, to speak because he was ready. Think about how important that is for a character like him. Azriel, whose brothers of 500+ years could move a mountain more easily than get him to open up, did in fact, open up...

And he was shot down.

Of course, he wasn't going to wax off a lecture about Rhys's suggestion being wrong--because it was Rhys, not Azriel, who suggested entitlement.

Rhys's face drained of color. " You believe you deserve to be her mate?"

Azriel never suggested anything like this. An overwhelmed, distraught Rhys who feared for his mate and unborn child did.

And Azriel shut down, just as he did when he first confessed his feelings to Mor, and immediately abandoned the conversation in favor of silence. Not because he was pissed, or felt he was wronged, but because he saw these moments as validation of his nothingness, proof he was nothing, would always be nothing.

2) "If I Fail, They Will Leave Me" Complex

One thing I think that is important about Azriel's character that is often overlooked is his liberation from his father's dungeon. He wasn't set free when his hands were burned, rather returned to his "dark, airless cell" where was forced to continue on, burned and broken, for three years.

Three bloody years.

It was only when/sometime after his shadowsinging gifts first emerged that he was granted freedom. If you can call it that. Not because he was a little boy who deserved freedom, but because he had magic: a tool of value, a weapon to be used.

And used it was.

We learn from Rhys that Shadowsingers are highly coveted...

"Shadowsingers are rare--coveted by courts and territories across the world for their stealth and predisposition to hear and feel things others can't." - Rhys, ACOMAF, Chapter 16

And that Az was sent to the camp only AFTER his gifts were discovered.

"Az's father sent him to our camp once he and his charming wife realized he was a shadowsinger." - Rhys, ACOMAF, Chapter 16

This all goes to say that Azriel's freedom was largely granted because of his magic. What would this say to a literal child? He was only valuable because of his magic, because of what he could do.

And this need to please, this need to serve, and the subsequent fear of failure are very prevalent within Az's character. He runs himself ragged, he brings too much onto his plate, he is so busy he doesn't sleep, he always volunteers to put himself into harm's way because he thinks that is all he has to offer. I suspect his time working as the personal spymaster for Rhys's father might also have contributed to these feelings, but I don't have enough info at current to delve any further into that.

Moving on, all this also goes to combat the "pro-torture" argument I sometimes see. Do I think Azriel loves slicing and dicing? No, not really. Same as Rhys doesn't like breaking into people's minds. I suspect Az sees his work in Hewn City as a similarly necessary evil, something he must do (rather than anyone else) because he is already "tainted", something he has to do to be worthy. Something he does because, regardless of how it makes him feel, provides value to his loved ones. I suspect Az probably feels if he were to stay no, if he were to refuse, then he would be deemed useless, unworthy, and abandoned as a result. Not that this would ever happen, but I think Az probably sees so little value in himself he thinks only his magic and skills are all he can provide his brothers. Not because they don't love and support him, but because years and years of trauma reinforce this idea.

It's really, really heartbreaking if you think about it.

Anywayssss, that's all I have in me for tonight, but I've got a few other points I will be adding to expand this post! I love (civil) fandom discourse, so feel free to drop in thoughts and opinions below.

Thanks for reading this behemoth!

[fleshwerks]

i think what ultimately grinds me with assan is that he's a symptom of a greater narrative issue. i'm always wary of games introducing a comic relief 'pet' character, really, or introducing a pet to make a character more endearing, and assan i feel is very much a distraction, a cheap emotional punch, or a character added for the sake of having it. i'll be repeating myself a lot under the 'keep reading' but i'm just trying to organise my thoughts on this.

i can almost hear the writer's room going 'we want to have a cute griffon for this game'. 'cool. what for?' 'well a pet is an easy way to foster emotional attachment, and also, because griffons.' 'cool, but... why would our protagonist even have a griffon? how do we get our character a griffon when they're all but extinct and guarded by this insular faction of cursed warriors?' 'oh. umm. i guess we need a warden then to have a plausible reason for why this cute distraction is there.'

davrin didn't come to the party and brought the griffon along. the griffon is the main attraction and sadly davrin feels like a bit of a plain vessel just so that the party could have a cute mythical pet.

it's like 'assan and his uh... his elf.' And it's a common criticism. you just need to look at entire posts and threads about the choice between davrin and harding and see that it's basically top to bottom 'i saved davrin because i couldn't let assan die.' somehow the damned animal is a bigger draw than the actual black dalish warden man

which you could say is a reach, but bioware historically has been really very uncharitable to its black male companion characters. and now there's another one, and he's being completely overshadowed by an awkwardly designed feather duster. i don't think davrin's origin and his actual design are irrelevant to the issue at hand, not even a little.

when the first thing you think of when you hear the name 'davrin' is 'assan the griffon', you've got a big problem. and now that epler has come out and said it with full heart that they literally hinged all of davrin's 'saveability' on assan, i don't really know what i'm supposed to think here outside

'we couldn't make this guy cool enough to compete with a blandified harding, so here's a cute ass pet to even the scales! the pet's the real star!

that's what i mean when i say 'a greater narrative issue'. i'm sure someone will tell me i'm interpreting it uncharitably, but i'd like to counter that with 'either epler misspoke badly, or you're just coping.' man said what he said.

and the fans are openly saying it that even they caught themselves thinking 'oh no, not assan!' when davrin fell, and realising that apparently in the moment they had more fear and compassion davrin's pet griff than the man himself. and now frankly it's be fine if it was like the milk-coloured cullen type instead of davrin, but it's not. it's another rare black companion character getting the shaft. again. you can't ignore the optics here.

sacrifice davrin if you must, but at least have the decorum to respect the pet griff's decision to die with him instead of whinging 'nooo why did he have to dive after himmmm!' that? that is your reaction to 'black dude dies first'? 'no, no, not the dooooog?!'

though honestly the davrin v harding dies choice was already loaded, because harding may be lily pale but in-game she's still dwarves' last connection to their original nature, power and birthright. meanwhile the relative nobodies like lucanis and frankly neve too can merrily waltz into the sunset. this is what i mean by cheap exploitative emotional punches. the guy with the cute rare near-extinct pet, or the dwarves' and titans' one last hope. whilst everybody else's pretty much ordinary compared to the sole keeper of a powerful near-extinct species and the even more rare dwarf with connection to titans without having gone full drone zombie. just to make it 'hard' while the relative normies keep on keeping going.

[breakfastteatime]

Today's fic request is for the Anon who requested 'Fever' (✿◡‿◡)

Something’s not right after Kashyyyk, and it’s not just Cal’s ongoing frostiness toward Cere. She understands. It’s what she deserves. Honestly, it’s more than she deserves. Cal is a gentle, compassionate soul despite everything he’s gone through. He’s hurt, feels betrayed, and yet he is still managing to hold a civil conversation with her, when necessary, still seeking guidance in a quiet, roundabout way…

…but something’s not right with him. In the weeks since they first picked him up from Bracca, she’s got a good grasp of his baseline behaviours, including his complete inability to stop. Sure, he’ll sit down, but he doesn’t rest unless he’s asleep (and even then, he can be chatty and, occasionally, mobile). He’s always active, always doing something, whether it be working on his lightsaber, helping BD, reading, studying… Looking at him on the couch right now, the only word for it is listless. His eyes are hooded and glassy, his cheeks flushed. If he’s staring at something in particular, Cere can’t see it.

And it must be obvious something’s up if Greez is nudging her, nodding at Cal, and silently asking her with his eyes what’s wrong with the kid. And when he realises Cal’s not going to hear him, Greez asks, “We didn’t break him, did we?” on his way back to the cockpit.

Cere’s hoping they’ve been doing the opposite, putting present circumstances aside for a moment. She approaches Cal, calls his name. It takes a moment to register, and he drags his gaze over to her. “I’m fine,” he says, apparently guessing what she was about to ask.

If he’s ‘fine’, she’s a bogling’s auntie. “You don’t need to – ” ‘Lie’ catches in her throat. “You don’t look fine,” she says instead.

He takes that as a challenge and shifts, forcing himself to his feet. “See? I’m –”

Cere barely catches him in time as his eyes roll back and he crumples. Cere lowers him to the deck. She can feel the sickly heat radiating from his body. BD-1 hurries over, nudging Cal and beeping worriedly. Cal’s quick to come around, but Cere orders him to stay put before he can get himself off the deck. She needs to get something to reduce that fever and scan him for anything serious. Kashyyyk’s full of things that can do awful things to the Human body. He could’ve picked up any number of germs or viruses or parasites or –

“Cere?”

Cal’s voice pulls her out of her anxiety spiral. “Do not move,” she orders, the words harsher than she means them to be.

BD hops on Cal’s chest and announces he will keep Cal right there.

“I’m okay,” Cal says. “I don’t need –”

Cal’s protests are lost under a tirade from BD-1, who points out that people who are ‘fine’ and ‘okay’ are not prone to fainting. Cere takes the opportunity to grab the med kit out of the refresher and return to Cal who has not moved. He looks at Cere, caught somewhere between illness and embarrassment. “Can I get up now?” he asks.

“Let me scan you first, see what’s going on.”

There’s stubborn set to his jaw as he rolls his eyes. “I got up too fast and –”

And the scanner reveals a temperature approaching 40C, which is so high Cere breaks out in a sweat. “How long have you felt sick?” she demands while BD issues a lengthy reprimand after a scan of his own.

“I dunno,” Cal replies. Cere can’t tell if he’s being honest or difficult.

She’s really blown it with him.

“Now can I get up?” he asks.

“Slowly,” she says, hovering without making it obvious.

“Wasn’t planning on sprinting,” he mutters as he sits up and immediately goes a strange whiteish grey. He starts to slump backward, but BD’s there to brace him with his head and Cere catches him again. “Okay,” Cal mumbles. “Slower.”

Cere manages to get him onto the couch. She runs another scan, and it coughs out the name of Cal’s affliction. Thrrryyp fever, commonly caught on Kashyyyk from bug bites. Not lethal in Humans, but certainly unpleasant for a few days. Symptoms include high fever, muscle aches, loss of appetite and fatigue. Cere loads him up with standard meds, orders him to drink something, and packs him off to bed. He refuses her offer of help, instead choosing to brace himself on every nearby surface as he heads for the back of the ship, BD hurrying behind him.

Cal pauses in the doorway. “Cere?”

“Yes?” She looks up from where she’s repacking the med kit.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” she says.

He shuffles off. Cere hears Greez approaching. “Kid’s sick, huh?”

“Yes.” Cere closes the med kit and leaves it on the lounge table. She sits on the couch with a sigh. “He’ll be okay in a few days.”

Greez claps his hands. “Only one thing for it. Gotta make him some of my great-grandma’s fix all soup.”

[cbk1000]

And part three. (Final part; sorry this is so long: it has been a fucking long four months.)

No problem, Doctor Dipshit, I guess I'll just do your job and continue treating myself.

After my period ends, my heart rate drops again. It's still not as low as it should be, but it's much better. I continue to gradually improve. It's not a linear process; some days are better than others, but I never feel as bad as I did at the beginning of all this. My main issue is really my heart rate at this point; I'm no longer dizzy, I don't have the extreme weakness I had, my nausea is gone, I'm sleeping much better, and I'm a lot less tired than I was even before all this started. But the high heart rate keeps me still mostly bedbound, and I'm gnashing my teeth, because at this point I feel well enough to be mad about it, instead of just lying in bed trying to stave off death.

I finally start turning a corner, almost three months into taking supplements. My heart rate is consistently lower; even my last period wasn't as rough. (I felt a little worse than I had been, but my heart rate didn't spike, and I mostly just felt more run down than I normally would during my period.)

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been able to sit and stand and walk around for much longer, and I was finally, after months, able to start writing again. My heart rate is still a bit higher than it should be, and I have chest pain and tightness that radiates into my throat (it almost feels like an asthma attack) if I exert myself too much, but I can sit up for a good couple, few hours at a time, then lie down for a few minutes till those symptoms improve, and then get back up again. It is more exhausting to do things because of this, but I still, honestly, feel less tired than when I was a fully functioning, 'normal' person, and I've noticed that the horrible, frequent anxiety attacks I was having multiple times a week, out of nowhere, with no trigger, haven't happened since I started supplementing. I have been stressed, of course, but not baselessly anxious. Apparently iron deficiency can cause or worsen anxiety, so the anxiety I was having for the last couple of years that I attributed to all the changes at work, and how generally stressful the world has been, was also likely related to this.

Today, three and a half months after starting iron supplements, I'm writing this sitting up at my computer. I have some chest pain, but right now it's more of an annoyance than anything, and I can push through for a while before I'll need to lie down for a bit. The last week I have been able to write 27,000 words, animatedly play a video game I'm into at the moment (I shout a lot when I play), take Seamus outside multiple times a day while Mr. Jenn is at work (albeit for very short walks around the backyard, but still), edit, and concentrate on my reading. I can now sit out and eat dinner at our countertop and visit with Mr. Jenn. I spend more time up now than I do in bed. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment with a non-lunatic, and will hopefully be able to get medical clearance to finally return to work (Mr. Jenn and I have rigged up my desk so that I can recline and still see my monitors and work if I need more than my allotted breaks to rest) and an order for an iron infusion to get me the rest of the way more quickly. It has been the longest four months of my life. I have felt trapped in my own body. There were points during that constant back and forth of regressing a bit, improving a bit, regressing a bit, that I was afraid I would be stuck like that forever. I've had enough of consistently being on my feet day after day over the last few weeks that, while I'm not yet at 100% and know it will still probably be a while before I am, I know I will be, eventually. I actually feel confident in that now.

What I mean to say with these three very long-winded posts is, please do not ignore what your body is telling you. I wrote off the extreme fatigue, and anxiety, and burning and tingling I was feeling in my legs and feet as poor sleep, the world going to shit, muscle strain, etc. etc. That was my body trying to tell me something was really wrong. I did not know these were symptoms of iron deficiency; and not everyone gets them, and not everyone gets such severe symptoms that their entire body shuts down and confines them to bed for months: but there was something wrong with me, probably for years, and I ignored that, and wrote it off, because the symptoms were non-specific, and I'd lived with them for so long that I normalized them. If you are having any of these symptoms, especially fatigue, especially if you're menstruating, and especially especially if most of your iron sources aren't from meat, please get an iron panel done. Not your CBC; that will only tell you if your hemoglobin is ok, and I can tell you, as exhibit A, that just because your hemoglobin is normal, does not mean you don't have iron deficiency. B12 deficiency will cause some of these same symptoms as well, so if you're vegetarian, definitely get that checked as well.

The only reason I was able to put two and two together was because I had had similar cardiac issues after a blood donation, when it was easy to go, "Wait, I think you bled too much; let's put some iron back in you." I don't want to think about how long I might have been stuck like this getting booted from specialist to specialist with no one thinking to check my iron levels because my hemoglobin was normal. If you do not have enough of this one single mineral in your body, it can literally be debilitating. I work a desk job from home; I have been out of work for four months now because I haven't even been able to sit up at a desk. I actually ran out of legally-protected medical leave a month ago and am just lucky that my employer wants to keep me enough that they were willing to put me on personal leave until I was ready to come back.

Anyway, that is my extremely long update. I sincerely appreciate everyone who has checked in on me and asked how I'm doing.

[adambja]

It's a quit a long post so in sorry for that and I'm not a native English speaker so please pardon my mistakes......

Hey girl , I have a question and it's not related to aff tapes but I want to ask you this question to know your opinion and hope you give me a solution and guide me on this ..... So

To be very honest i manifest so many things in my life ,

I even shift one time ,

Enter in void state also by doing psych k method i think after 2 and half day ,

Even get results by practising living in the present moment ,

Even I get results from your free tapes.

I'm telling you to know I get results and not telling lie and things that i manifest , good friends to good grades to pass in exams or even allow to sit in exams even after not going clg entire year 😅 and for all this I have all my desires so smoothly even just my laptop have internet when whole hostel don't have and so many more fun things and all......

As for live in the present moment - In my check up I diagnosed diabetic but through live in the present moment I heal myself and when I do next day check up I'm completely healthy...

As for your tape come on girl ... There are so many , don't know where to start 🤣🤣🤣 ....anyways so many things

But my main problem is whenever I tell , share my success stories to anyone it stops happening 😭😭😭 I don't believe in it before but i shift and I tell a friend about it till now I don't shift , it's like 2 yrs now ....

Tell my void success story even just as an anon but still after that I didn't enter in void ....

After telling your aff tape success story I start having more doubts or even sometimes I can't even listen to your tape because people district me or start talking to me and want me to answer them but i prefer to listen to it calmly and be alone , all the symptoms i feel suddenly gone .....

After sharing my present moment success story I don't see any results till now .... Not even with the psych method....

At first i just thought that I don't do it properly or maybe I tell my success story to someone who is a negative person and can't understand all of this law and all so it's effect my process because I'm not perfect in it ( it's a wrong and limiting belief ) ...So i decided if i want to tell someone my success story or tell someone my journey I'll just tell it to people who is like me ... So in the community..... But even after telling people like me ( who believe in loa , manifestation and all ) I still get stuck ..... And I tell my success stories to people who help me and to help others but what now ...... Today i suddenly see all things .......

So what should I do to overcome ...😭😭😭

Thank you for taking your time to read ..... I'm sorry again...

I saw some people on here and twitter having the same issue lmao 😭😭

It's just you are making yourself stuck due to your self-concept you keep putting yourself in a maze and confusion due to your self-concept and it's not about my tape at all BUT I AM GLAD MY TAPES MADE YOU COME HERE AND ASK FOR A SOLUTION 😭!!! BECAUSE YOU KNOW NOW THERE IS A WEIRD THING HAPPENING AND THIS IS one of the benefits in the tape your subconscious mind literally lets you know what is the issue and the assumptions you have to change that's why some people experienced some negativity while listening to the tapes NOT EVERYONE THEY ARE LITERALLY 3 PEOPLE GUYS!!

Anyways let's get deeper into this!

So look you got that belief from someone as if it's like if you say your goals or your success stories they can be jinxed and whatever this is

THE FEELING YOU ARE DEALING WITH HERE IS "FEAR" YOU ARE JUST SCARED OF IT and it's okay your feelings are valid but jinxing isn't even real because nobody is real 😭😭 because THE REALITY ITSELF ISN'T REAL SO YOU ARE LITERALLY SAFE

How to solve this?

Affirm

"I am safe"

"I am comfortable"

"I am safe saying my success stories to everyone"

"I am comfortable saying my success stories to everyone"

Also congrats on your success stories with my tapes hehehe 🤭🫶🏻 I know you will have more after this

[straycalamities]

12, 16, 17, 1 for entre 8)

OOO THANK U SO MUCH this is gonna be fun

12. Is your OC self-destructive? In what ways?

ohhhH HO HOHO Yeah

in mainverse he has that whole...icarus thing going on what with his business DESPITE seeing how its gone poorly for other once-lers and seeing the warning signs from his own situation as well

it's also in the whole...substance abuse thing he's got going on. i know i don't show it because i want his main blog to be more relatively Family Friendly, but it's a thing.

in truffula flu it permeates almost everything he is. despite how much he tries to do good and Fix things and Make Up for his Big Mistake, deep down he finds...comfort in the misery. if he's miserable, if things are terrible for him, then that means he's suffering and that's Good because then people can't be mad at him. he's already suffering, isn't that enough? you have to pity him a little bit if he's feeling so visibly terrible. he also just straight up always feels like he deserves everything bad that happens to him, despite if he says its not fair or whatever, he's just whining. he absolutely, in his bones, believes he deserves it

so he keeps that going even if most of the time it really isn't a conscious choice. he doesn't know he's doing it, but he is. he sabotages conversations with others (sometimes whole relationships), he latches onto the Worst Possible Situations and Hypotheticals that his brain feeds him, i mean he does it in a literal way with his (sorry self-harm moment) scratching off the top layers of skin with his nails thing he does, (self-harm moment over) anytime someone hands him a cigarette or alcohol he just takes it

somehow he manages to simultaneously be the guy clawing his way to the top of the hole he's in but also be the guy that's knocking dirt back down on top of him

16. What is your OC's pain tolerance like?

not great to be honest

in mainverse he's a big ol baby about pain

in truffula flu he's been in enough pain to sorta build up more of a tolerance? but it's still not good. However, comma, he is mega stubborn so even if it hurts like ass he's gonna try to do whatever he needs to do and not succumb to it, even if that means crying like a baby and being pathetic just to cope during it

17. What is the worst thing you have put your OC through story-wise?

IS THIS ANOTHER ATTEMPT TO GET ME TO SPILL THE BEANS ON THE RETCON

WELL IT WONT WORK especially not now that i have this New thing planned

but it's definitely that. like official-story-wise. it is That. teehee

1. What memory would your OC rather just forget?

in mainverse i'm not actually sure....he has a bunch of suck-ass memories but for him to just pick ONE to wipe? hmmm...

it's probably something embarrassing as hell he did at an event or something. like those things rich people throw together, he probably got sloshed off his ass and did something really stupid that when he remembers it it makes him want to crawl in a hole and die from embarrassment

in truffula flu..man.. well refer up to 17 for one. LMAO. there's lots of things also that HE did he'd rather forget. like most of the shit he pulled at the hardware store, for instance

i think actually he'd rather forget the stuff HE did to people, though, more than what was done to him. even if he knows it won't undo it, i think that's why. because he can't undo what he's done so he'd rather just not dwell on it. and would rather remember the shit that was done to him because otherwise he's just gonna have all these...Issues and Trauma symptoms and just not remember why the hell he does and that would suck