#secular homemaking

[tinyhandsonmyapron]

02.05.2024

TTC and infertility has me out here simultaneously

Hopeful to the point of delusional that "this is going to be the cycle! It just has to be!" AND

Dropping over a hundred dollars on a non-refundable deposit for a s*men analysis scheduled for mid-March because there's no way we'll get lucky so I should schedule it so we don't keep wasting time

[medicated-homemaker]

Rainy days with the windows open and a tin roof are my favorite days…

[thevampiricnihal]

I cracked and read up to around chapter 15 of Ask-i memnu and I know this is not your main interest, but something that struck me is how modern Bihter and Peyker's relationship is, in the way that it feels like a cliché dynamic now but obviously it wasn't when it was written bc the actual cliché came after. It reminds me of the sisters in Smile or Martha Marcy May Marlene where there's the older sister who suffered more from the family "taint" and dysfunction (Peyker witnesses her dad's collapse, she thinks about being exposed to flirtations/harassment? On the promenades since she was a child etc) but who was also more easily able to leave it behind and now has a "perfect" life and didn't take the little sister with her, and now the little sister is more mired into the dysfunction and damaged and resents that. It kind of moved me to tears when she's like "of course Peyker loves her husband and there's an itty bitty Feridun between them" :( the psychological element of this book is just groundbreaking, obviously Nihal too was exactly as deliciously fucked up as you sold her!

Ah, this makes me so happy!

While my main Aşk-ı Memnu interest is (and probably will always be) Nihal, I am much more interested in and appreciative of Bihter nowadays than I used to be. Bihter is the emotional heart of this book, she is what gives it its pathos. And yes, the author really managed to flesh out a very dysfunctional dynamic between a family of women without spending too many words on it. I will look up the works you mentioned.

Peyker as a character intrigues me. I am glad that you noticed that she was the one who found her collapsing father! A critic pointed that out as the possible reason why Peyker is so adamant on not being like a typical woman of her family, but unfortunately that critic’s name escapes me now.

Little Feridun is also more relevant to me than he perhaps is in the book. He also is the element of the book that comes closest to making me cry in the last chapter, not through anything too significant, but just through calling Bihter “aunt” in a critical moment. I also find it significant that Peyker gives birth to a son (for he is a boy, though the Eva Deverell translation sometimes mixes up his pronouns) when we were informed in the first chapter that Melih Bey Set usually had daughters - it points to Peyker’s complete break from the family traditions. But also I think we are invited to question how much of Peyker’s “happy homemaker” persona is an act. Fascinating stuff.

Yes, the psychological aspect is curiously modern for an 1899-1900 work I think. The secularism of it all, almost everything about the characters’ personalities being tied to their relationships to their parents etc. It doesn’t feel like a 19th century novel sometimes. It feels post-Freud. Also more rudimentary things like the smallness of the families also feel curiously modern to me - in Halit Ziya’s novels no one has more than two children.

Yes, Nihal is deliciously fucked up! I sometimes doubt myself and ask whether I read too much into the actions of a fairly normal tween/teen girl but then I reread it and, no, she is pretty messed up. And increasingly I find the book’s main strength in the contrast between Nihal’s Gothic psychology and Bihter’s more grounded and normal loneliness.

[vr-trakowski]

Obscure Christmas Book List

1. The Adventures of Nicholas by Helen Siiteri - This is an old, old favorite.  It’s a story about Nicholas - not the saint, nor yet the North American Santa - and how he went from orphaned child to the generous distributor of gifts to other children.  It’s not meant to be a definitive version, just a good story, but that’s what it is - good.  It’s a tender little book, sweet without being sticky, and I love to reread it every few years.  

2. The Christmas We Moved to the Barn by Alexandra Day - Yes, that Alexandra Day.  Gorgeously illustrated, this is a picture book with almost no text, but it doesn’t need it.  It’s magical and beautiful and just perfect.  There’s a sequel of sorts, Special Deliveries, but that one has nothing to do with the holiday.  

3. A Woman’s Christmas by Arlene Hamilton Stewart - It’s published by Victoria Magazine, which means its intended audience is rich white homemaking women.  Nominally Christian in this case, or at least not of a faith that precludes a secular celebration of the holiday.  I am...some of those things, and really not at all into all the stuff the book talks about, but somehow I just enjoy reading about it.  Can’t explain it.  Of course the photos are beautiful.  

4. How Lovely Are Thy Branches by Diane Duane - An interstitial story in her marvelous Young Wizards universe, full of fun and in-jokes and old friends.  Probably confusing if you haven’t read at least one of the main series books, but don’t let that stop you.  It’s a party I really wish I could attend.  

5. A Wreath of Days by Tasha Tudor - this is kind of an honorable mention, because it’s really an Advent calendar wrapped in a couple of pages of book.  The center is a delightful two-page spread of a scene of her corgi town, full of corgis intent on holiday business and the occasional troll or other creature, and this has all the doors for the calendar.  Like my mother, I tend to prefer Advent calendars that actually focus on Advent, or at least the Nativity part of Christmas, but I have my exceptions.  Unfortunately it is not available at any price I would call reasonable. 

[imeverywoman420]

this is what i mean when i say growing up in a secular gender role free household makes the rest of the world seem like drag performers. Like no… yall are actually doing the stepford wife homemaking shit? I dont think any woman im related to by blood has ever been a Homemaker or anything like this 😭

[gaykarstaagforever]

This is a list of scripted ABC shows from the last season. I haven't heard of most of them because I'm not 63 so I'm going to guess what they are about from the titles and then check and see how right I was. Or if my idea is better.

1. The Conners was that reboot / sequel of Roseanne. But then Roseanne was insane and racist in real life so they kicked her off of it. I assume it was retooled to now be about the family becoming private eyes and traveling from town to town in a gadget-loaded super RV, solving mysteries.

You should all note before I go on that most of what I know about network television comes from the 70s and 80s. Back when it was also cheap and lame, but at least fun.

2. Abbott Elementary. Probably just Community / The Office, but in an elementary school filled with a diverse cast of quirky characters who only seem to date each-other. I bet they do a lot of jokes about helicopter parents and people getting offended by seemingly innocuous things. There is probably a sassy brown person whose culture is played for light-hearted comic relief.

3. Station 19. Firefighter show, where all the firefighters look like soap opera actors. Most of the show is people having arguments and making out, then like 3 times a season stunt people in face-hiding fire gear fight a big fire inspired by some thing that happened in the news around the time they were filming the show. I bet the tag line is "And you thought the hottest action would be the fires!" Occasionally old actors from 80s movies will cameo as someone's parents. I am falling asleep just typing about it.

4. Grey's Anatomy. Oh my god. In real life these people would have retired from being bad doctors by now. Or be in jail.

5. The Rookie. I looked this one up due to the last post. Nathan Fillion plays a 50 year old rookie LAPD officer. Because they wanted to do a cop show with him but he's too old for that, without the premise. He probably has to learn about diversity and drugs or something. No one ever gets shot and they don't show LAPD white supremacist cop-gangs doing dog fights or anything. Wasted potential.

6. The Goldbergs. I've heard of this. It was some writer's Everybody Hates Chris about his 80s secular Jewish family. Obnoxious old people watched it to be reminded about how they just don't make good rock music like that anymore, man, because they are too old and lazy to go find new music they might like via streaming platforms. It has been cancelled. Good, if only to spare me that recurring conversation with people I don't like.

7. Home Economics. A rich white homemaker lady gets divorced and has to get a job as a home ec teacher at a public junior high to make ends meet? And she slowly learns to laugh and love again, while also coming to realize that poorer people are good for more than just mowing your lawn. There are hijinks about her wearing $600 shoes that get covered in cake batter. She has to rent part of her house out to an Indian immigrant family. Starring Delta Burke from 1995.

8. The Good Doctor. Ha ha ha. That show about an autistic doctor, except Hollywood doesn't know what autism actually is so he's just a deranged lunatic who gets away with shitty behavior because he's good at hearts.

But not in the fun, House MD, way.

9. The Rookie: Feds. This got cancelled so that means it was bad, even by low network TV cop show standards. I don't even know how to do that. Uh...some 50 year old TV actress I probably wouldn't recognize quits being a crime professor to become an FBI agent, after her son FBI agent goes missing under mysterious circumstances? And it ended in a cliffhanger when she got attacked by a polar bear in the middle of the jungle.

10. Not Dead Yet. My Name is Earl, but if Earl was a nice zombie. He has a best friend guardian angel played by Jaleel White.

...This actually just sounds like Highway to Heaven, if Michael Landon had been a zombie. And instead of brains he eats Jell-O, and he can take his limbs off and send them into air ducts and up drain pipes to help people, like trained rats.

...I'd watch a couple episodes of that, I guess.

11. Will Trent. Oh give me a break.

Okay. There is guy named Will Trent, who is on the run from the...CIA, because he was with them but then someone framed him for killing the Speaker of the House with a poisoned lapel pin. He now travels from town to town, helping average people and their sexy sisters out of jams, while also trying to figure out who framed him and what their master plan is, to clear his name.

The last season ended with it looking like the real villain is the First Lady, who belongs to some ill-defined anti-America cult.

It's probably based on a book series from the early 2000s that only the loudest uncles read.

12. Big Sky. Some cowboy thing, probably. Where all the cowboys are hunky stoic white men who are millionaire ranch owners. But you are still supposed to sympathize with all their "we gotta keep a-hold of this land at any cost" violent toxic male shit, because you are a postmenopausal my mother and want to have sex with these men.

It's one of those shows that just "accidentally" has zero POC cast members, who aren't one-shot drug-runners or coyotes or thugs hired by rival ranch owners.

One-shot because that is how all of their characters are killed.

It probably got cancelled when some writer got smart and tried to do a thinly-veiled anti-Trump allegory and all the Evangelicals turned on it. Tucker Carlson probably got mad about it for 3 minutes, before he interviewed some Russian politician about how the Ukrainians hate Jesus.

13. The Company You Keep. Black women try starting and running a bakery. It quickly devolved into a romantic melodrama. Black audiences never cared and white audiences wanted more sexy rich cowboys.

I don't know. It's ABC. Every seasonal lineup has at least a couple token shows starring POCs that get immediately cancelled after one season, because they aren't serious attempts at anything outside of the politics and so never connect with an audience.

Also all of them are still written by white men, so what chance could any of them have, really?

14. Alaska Daily. Northern Exposure, but the protagonist edits a news blog when not busy solving quirky small-town mysteries. The Janitor from Scrubs might be in it.

...Well. WAS in it.

This Twin Peaks thing is hard to pull off in a compelling way unless you are willing to go kookoo-bananas with it.

15. A Million Little Things. This one "ended," which means the cast wanted too much money after so many seasons, so "the producers had always planned from the beginning to wrap things up after 5 seasons."

It was probably one of those shows that just follows a "typical American family," which happens to have soap opera problems every week based on things the writers heard CNN say people in the Midwest are mad enough over to vote for Trump again.

It probably had a regular cast of like 16 people, and was on the giant TV in the showroom of every US car dealership at least once. Until someone changed it to that show which is just Kitchen Nightmares, but Gordon Ramsey has been replaced by a balding round man who lacks his charm and good heart and is just an asshole to struggling restaurateurs.

You know the one.

Or, at least, your parents do.

Update: The Conclusion

[ldecristofaro]

Comment on Butkers Brouhaha

I feel rather sad for this emasculated young man who was obviously indoctrinated in a very different Catholic Church than myself. His ignorance about the role of women in the Catholic Church (though it could be a lot better) is what I take issue with, not his saying women need to be uneducated, barefoot, and pregnant. He’s not the only person—man or woman—who believes that nonsense.

No, he just insulted every single Nun in the Catholic Church, basically telling them that their calling to serve Jesus Christ is an aberration, that they need to get married, serve their husbands, and bear children. 

Catholic nuns are the original feminists. They eschew marriage, children, and homemaking for careers spreading the word of God (rather than their legs). As teachers, doctors, nurses, missionaries, etc., they become “Brides of Christ,” giving up all worldly possessions, giving up sex, giving up being mothers and homemakers, giving up all the joys and sorrows of a secular existence for a fulfilling life serving God, his son Jesus Christ, and the Catholic Church. 

By telling the women at a Benedictine College that they all need to get married, stay at home, and have babies, is antithetical to the calling of Benedictine Sisters and other Nuns, like my Aunt, who received a higher calling. His comments were not only tone-deaf but also demonstrate his ignorance about his own purported Faith.

I do not believe in cancel culture. It’s bollix. He’s a passable enough kicker and all sports careers are short to begin with, so just leave him alone. He is entitled to his beliefs, as uninformed as they are.

But not all women find fulfillment in serving men as housekeepers, sex providers, baby makers, and mothers. They have a different calling, sometimes a higher calling like becoming a Nun, and it is not his or any other man’s place to tell any woman what her calling should be or how she should live her life.

As for his very un-Christ-like harangue against the LGBTQIA+ community….don’t get me started. All I will say is that the only people Jesus ever condemned were the hypocrites. 

Fin.

[tinyhandsonmyapron]

02.01.2024

I had my HSG performed yesterday! There's an exclamation point there because I did not realize it was also a therapeutic treatment in addition to a diagnostic one. So now it's exciting!

It was not fun, but it wasn't the worst pain either. And the doctors were really hyping it up as therapeutic. As much time as they spent explaining the procedure and my aftercare, they spent telling me baby dancing and conceiving tips and just emphasizing over and over again that starting Friday afternoon we need to try really hard.

I usually look up my predicted due date every month because apparently I'm a masochist, but I had refrained this month. I just looked it up. Y'ALL. It's Dearest's birthday! 💛 I'm choosing to be optimistic and take it as a sign. That plus several other things have lined up recently, so I'm allowing myself to get my hopes up this cycle.

I also got to spend time with my friend that I'm reconnecting with. It was very very nice. Overall, yesterday started out feeling bad for myself and depressed about needing to have this mystery procedure done and nervous about hanging out with my friend (?!), and it all just turned out so so good.

Here's hoping your day today also turns out so much better than you are expecting 💛✨️🌱

[tipsycad147]

What Kind Of Witch Am I?: A Guide For Beginner Witches To Find Their Path

If you are just starting your witchcraft path, it’s completely normal to feel in the dark about what practices exist and which of them resonate with you. You may feel overwhelmed or feel that you identify with a specific kind of magic but you are not ready to fully commit to it. The truth is that there are countless kinds of witches and choosing just one path might feel challenging.

If you are struggling to find your path, a good starting point is to think of it as your witchy identity, as a way of living or experiencing your power. 

Ask yourself: what rituals or practices do you feel most drawn to? What elements do you rely on for your rituals? What inspires you to practice? The answers to these questions may narrow down the options for you, but there are a few other things you may want to consider before committing.

First of all, be mindful: take into account that certain practices are enclosed in specific cultural, ethnic or religious backgrounds and, as such, they should be honored and respected. Some examples are voodoo or candomblé: they are not meant to be practiced outside the cultural community that they are associated with. Before stepping into a new practice, do your research and make sure it is not a closed practice, that is, that you don’t need to be either initiated or born into it.

Also, remember that you can choose between being a solitary practitioner or a coven witch, as well as a Pagan witch or a secular crafter whose practices are framed in a religious environment. Finding your way through belief systems and types of practice can take time and patience. Be sure to make an informed decision and to choose what feels the best for you.

There are many paths you can choose from based on the elements that you use for your rituals and how you experience witchcraft. The cool part is that you can learn most of them by yourself.

Kitchen Witch

Rosemary, basil, thyme… If cooking is your love language and you feel grounded the moment you step into your kitchen, you could be a kitchen witch. There are many ways to work your magic into your dishes: from stirring your tea with intention to cooking with specific herbs and ingredients to obtain a desired effect. 

Hearth Witch

Along the same line, if you love to protect your home with amulets or use your housework time to meditate while you clean, maybe you are a hearth witch. You can prepare natural cleaning products and set up an altar in the corner where you spend the most time. Flood your living-room with herbal scents to make your guests feel content. This path is perfect for anyone who loves spending time at home and enjoys household tasks. This path is the sweet spot between being a homemaker and a magic maker.

Green Witch

If, instead, you feel drawn towards nature and love to be surrounded by it, there are many ways in which you can include natural elements in your craft and become a green witch. Green witchcraft is practiced with plants, herbs, flowers and wood. Once you are on this path, you connect with the spirits of nature and embrace their power. 

But what if you live in a city? Well, you might find it hard to connect with nature in an urban environment, but you can visit parks or work in your garden, with the occasional visit to a small countryside town. You can also fill your house with plants and crystals, and even grow your own herbs to feel closer to nature.

Blue Witch

However, you may spiritually connect with nature in different ways. For example, if you live close to a body of water and you dedicate time to cleaning around the shore, or if you feel empathy with its pain for polluted waters, you may gravitate towards water magic, that is, be a blue witch. 

Try meditating around a river or lake and feel its energy. You can even move on to bringing it some offerings and asking it for permission to take some of the water with you. You can use it in your rituals and spells: they don’t need to be complicated, start with baths or even keep it around when manifesting. If you feel that having it around boosts your power, you may have found your path.

Divination Witch

But, sometimes, our craft path does not start at home or with nature: it starts when we find a beautiful tarot deck or astrology book, and that’s completely fine: maybe you are a divination witch. With a good share of meditation, practice and patience, you can start a conversation with the Divine. Sounds fun! And it is, but takes a lot of discipline and studying. Also, It is important that you know the limits of divination and work within them. For more information on this, you can refer to our previous blog post How Do I Know If Being a Divination Witch is the Right Path for Me?

Urban Witch

Although some practices can be tied to specific locations, living in the city can be advantageous if you identify as an urban witch. Power can be found in every element because everything carries energy. 

You can go big and work with the energy of masses, cars, and streetlights, or keep it small and just start your day with a cup of intentioned coffee. Spice up your drinks with a dash manifestation and use your lunch break to connect with your guides at the park while you let the sun cleanse the quartz you usually keep in your pocket. Being a witch is not always about big rituals and focuses instead on mundane, quick, and short spells and practices.

Eclectic Witch

There are many other kinds of crafters: cosmic, artist, tech, crystal, and so on. If you don’t feel comfortable with just one path, you can always adopt an eclectic witch style. Being an eclectic witch means you can pick and choose different kinds of practices and beliefs. 

The choice is yours

Essentially, you do what feels right for you. Of course, it’s important to make sure you feel confident in your skills. Practicing without solid knowledge can and will result in some sticky situations. Just be sure to research and self-assess before trying something new.

All in all, remember that a label is just a label and you can tailor your labels to your practices and experiences. At the end of the day, labeling or not labeling your craft is your choice.

Ultimately, identifying and naming your practices is useful to find like-minded witches or researching on your own, but you don’t have to let names limit you. 

For example, a blue witch does not have to be constantly dipping their toes in water, just as a kitchen witch does not need to be a professional chef. Also, keep in mind that your path is not written in stone and what serves you today may not do so tomorrow. If you find out that the path you initially chose is not for you, switch it up, experiment until you find yourself. Later on in your journey, you can even mix and match practices, experiment intuitively and, most importantly, enjoy your craft.

Let us know in the comments if you have already decided what kind of witch you are or if you prefer to keep your practice unlabeled!

Sources:  Italian Folk Magic Rues Kitchen Witchery, by Mary-Grace Fahrun

[babsaros]

First of all, i want to sincerely say thank you for the way you’ve formatted your response; it allows me to see exactly which statements you’re misinterpreting, perhaps because you’re cutting around the parts where I explain those statements. So, I’ll respond in kind and see if I can’t break this down a bit more simply:

“Listen, I have been gender non-conforming in a [misogynistic] household and I am telling you, that being a trans man makes that experience different.”

So, this is anecdotal evidence at best. I mean, we’re not merely talking about living environments growing up, we’re talking about systems of oppression normalized throughout society at large and all walks of life. Nearly every household in America is misogynistic because our society is built on patriarchy.  

->“You understand trans women when they say that they are treated worse when they identify as trans women, rather than gnc men, why do you not comprehend trans men saying basically the same thing?” 

The whole point is that men hold more power, control and influence than women, de facto, point blank, end of. GNC men are still perceived as men, because they are men. You cut off my original post before i go on to explain the very first statement, that trans men are specifically not perceived as men by transphobes. If it were possible, you would not see hardcore denialist transphobic parents still referring to their child as a “daughter”, even after “she” has transitioned into a ripped beefcake with a full beard. Trans men are seen as either delusional women or offensively effeminate gnc men, NOT *TRANS* Men. I’m sure going from being perceived as merely a gnc tomboy-type “girl” to identifying as a man or masc and wanting to transition did come with a new level of aggression to any pre-existing transphobia, because that transphobia is rooted in misogyny, and hey, btw that was my exact experience growing up too, wild!

when cis society oppresses a trans woman, they are able to do it on multiple levels at once'.

Right, same with trans men. Those levels are different, but there are still multiple. Examples include:

Heretic for standing against god's will and believing she can become something as sacred and intelligent as a man

Worthless woman failing at her only job (provide children)

Dyke

Unnatural pervert who does not belong in society

The next statement you respond to, you say trans men are oppressed on multiple levels, distinctly different from the way trans women are oppressed. I would argue that really you only provide one example, as biblical misogyny is nearly indistinguishable from secular misogyny; Both camps see women for the same singular purpose, intended by Nature/God, as offspring factories and homemakers. And “unnatural pervert” is a fitting definition for how trans/homophobes perceive Dykes, who are still ultimately women failing at their one intended purpose in life. That’s not multiple intersectional levels of oppression, it’s one called Misogyny. 

You then conveniently cut around my explanation of how trans women Do face multiple intersectional levels of oppression:

“She's a woman failing at her gender, a dyke that needs to be fixed. Or she's an evil and grotesque crossdressing pervert, a rude caricature, a danger to polite society. she will never be doing enough to escape oppression entirely, no matter if she gets every surgery she can and wears makeup every day and passes perfectly, because she lives under a patriarchy, and she's a woman, so she lives in a panopticon, and HAVING to get surgery and wear make-up to be respected IS oppression, especially if the alternative is being hate-crimed.”

'Or she's an evil and grotesque crossdressing pervert, a rude caricature, a danger to polite society'

Genuine question here. Do you... think that trans men are not seen as evil gross perverts and dangerous to children?

Yes. On average, and by far wider social conceptions, women are seen as natural caretakers, inherently incapable of sexual assault or molestation, whereas transwomen are seen as the inherent opposite, accused of fetishizing femininity or co-opting it as a manipulation strategy to get closer to potential victims, accused of using femininity as a shield against allegations of assault despite the witchhunts transwomen are frequently subjected to for any expressions of sexuality. Generally, despite this being a completely misguided notion AGAIN built and perpetuated by the Patriarchy, the “danger” transmen are seen as presenting to children is notions of transgenderism, having been brainwashed into rejecting their assigned gender role and the happiness that supposedly came with it, and less so the threat of molestation or assault that Conservatives fearmonger about and trans women are instead disproportionately accused of. 

You can argue women have had historically less access to alternate modes of dress or the independency to explore gender and transition perhaps, and I would love to see a source if you did, but the reason conservatives grab pitchforks and AK47s at the mention of a Drag Queen Story Time at the local library is because they view transfeminine people as inherent threats and transmasculine people as inherent victims. Cis men also do not view Trans Men as offensive caricatures of masculinity, the way some cis women see Trans Women as offensive caricatures of femininity no matter how genuine or subtle her presentation. Transwomen are vilified, seen as wanting to be women for sexual reasons and wanting to be a woman as a man is a bad thing, whereas transmen might be viewed as transitioning to escape misoginstic treatment, and wanting to be a strong powerful man is not a shameful thing. Seriously, have you or a loved one ever been accused of autoandrophilia? Do men clutch their wallets and fear for their purity in the public restroom when they see you rock out of the stall? How many transmen has LibsofTiktok publicly posted the faces of and gotten fired from their jobs working around children as a result? Genuine questions here.

'IN FACT!! experiencing the byproducts of misogyny in a patriarchy!!!'

Well done genius. Every single form of sex or gendered discrimination in the patriarchy (including transphobia itself!!) is a byproduct of misogyny in a patriarchy. Are we gonna argue transphobia isn't real now?

I can tell you’re getting a little emotional at this point, and that’s okay. We can walk through this rationally together. I brought up an example of supposed “transandrophobia” I had seen someone else posit, that trans men who are rejected or ostracized from queer/women safe/prioritized spaces for being “too masculine” are experiencing transandrophobia. I reject this by pointing out that transfeminine people rejected from those same spaces are being rejected for misogynistic patriarchal norms meant to keep people separated and subjugated, and that TERFS more often than not uphold and reinforce patriarchy rather than rejecting it because they refuse to reject gender norms first. You clearly grasp that much and agree. So, I really don’t get where you get the idea I'm arguing transphobia isn’t real. I’m merely pointing out that phenomena labeled as “transadrophobia” is identical to plain old transphobia and misogyny, and that there is no “androphobia” to be found in the first place.

'you don't say cis gay men experiences "androphobia", bc that's not a thing!'

Yes. Because androphobia is not a form of oppression on its own.

So you do agree! Androphobia is not real. Men cannot be oppressed under a patriarchy. Why are we still here? You claim the definition is an intersection of transphobia and misogyny, which is almost the exact same thing i’m explaining, so why are we still trying to call it transandrophobia. It’s transphobia. It’s misogyny.

-> "Transandrophobia is a term coined to describe the intersection of misogyny and transphobia face by trans men, because it is an intersection."

Except they do not overlap in a distinct flavor of hateful treatment of trans men. Are there any widely known specific slurs with heavy sexual connotation about transmen the same way there are multiple slurs for transwomen? Do people throw them around with the same casual air they talk about "traps" and "sissies" and "femboys"? If a transphobe correctively rapes a transman, is the goal to "correct" him into a more traditionally masculine man, or is it to treat him like a woman, make him feel like a woman, and force him back in the closet? Instead, effeminate cis men are subject to homophobia (regardless of their actual sexual orientation) rooted in misogyny; the disbelief they would align themselves with women, the disgust over the idea of taking a “woman’s” role in sex. Trans men might be trans/homophobically shamed for being effeminate or not passing, or misogynistically oppressed for clashing against gender norms. Transwomen are subject to transmisogyny, shamed for taking a woman’s place and then *again* for failing at being a conventional woman. Transmisogyny is intersectional that way. Why are we still here! 

-> Arguing over etymology is just stupid because language evolves. 

The conversation has not evolved to the point to necessitate language evolving. That’s. My. Whole. Point. By calling it “transandrophobia” we obfuscate the root causes of oppression, we give fuel to genuine Men’s Rights Activists to co-opt our language and let transphobes walk back progress by not standing in solidarity for the most vulnerable in our community and instead arguing that oppression is equal across the board when it explicitly IS NOT and CANNOT BE while we still live under patriarchy. 

-> Shockingly the patriarchy has more layers to it than 'men > women'. Wait till you learn about racialisation of gender, intersex and non-binary people and how sex and culture impact understanding of gender (THE SOCIAL CONSTRUCT, which is subject to cultural nuances). 

I say it sounds like MRA rhetoric because it does. It sounds like a refusal to acknowledge privilege because grouping yourself with the oppressed is less work than standing up for them.

I’m not even sure you knew what your point in this section was. I am a queer nonbinary trans person. Yes, this is an incredibly complex topic, but a patriarchy is genuinely Men>Women as a societal structure. That trickles down to affect sex and culture and popular connotations, of course it does. Your argument then, as you claim to engage with me in good faith about this, is that my understanding of gender dynamics doesn’t have enough nuance? It’s hard not to feel like you’re just parroting buzzwords here, and then not laugh when you accuse me of making assumptions and changing the subject.

I mean, you bring up the racialization of gender, and then cut away my point about misogynoir! Like, c’mon!

“...You don't say a black man experiences "misandrynoir"!! because living in a patriarchy fundamentally means men do not experience oppression based on their gender.” 

I reciprocate the sincere invitation to take everything here point by point, try to glean some new understanding from it, and let me know if there's anything further i can clarify.

I would also advise you to reflect upon who you’re reblogging from, and who reblogs from you. Just in the handful of likes and reblogs your response picked up, there was at least one blatant TERF, and again when I checked out your blog I noticed a few posts from blogs dedicated to circulating hateful rhetoric. It does nothing to strengthen your position as a rational trans rights activist when you’re publicly aligning with the exact group that attracts the most criticism to your stance. If you’re serious about promoting feminism and increasing awareness of transmasc issues to the wider largely-ignorant cis population, they need to be able to grasp the simplest points of how intersectional oppression works and understand the language the trans community uses. Feminism still struggles to illuminate gender inequality and escape the reputation that it’s a movement for female domination over men. Quibbles like this are a waste of time til then.

Hope this has helped! ^-^

hey. when cis society is oppressing a trans man, what he is experiencing is. In Fact. misogyny. i'm sorry i know none of us like to be reminded of our agab, and it hurts whenever people perceive you as the wrong gender. but a cis person hate-criming, assaulting, verbally abusing, etc, a trans man is not doing "transandrophobia" because they do not perceive him as a man.

they perceive him as a woman failing at her gender, as a woman who has been seduced and lied to and manipulated because women are so easily led astray, just like it says in the bible. they perceive him as a woman who has been mutilated. they perceive him as a dyke that needs to be fixed. if they are hate-criming him because they *do* perceive him as a man, because he passes well enough they aren't thinking he could be trans, then they're doing so out of homophobia, perceiving him as a gay man, a pervert, a sissy, a danger to children. OR, they are being transphobic but specifically because they think he might be transfeminine instead. when cis society oppresses a trans woman, they are able to do it on multiple levels at once. She's a woman failing at her gender, a dyke that needs to be fixed. Or she's an evil and grotesque crossdressing pervert, a rude caricature, a danger to polite society. she will never be doing enough to escape oppression entirely, no matter if she gets every surgery she can and wears makeup every day and passes perfectly, because she lives under a patriarchy, and she's a woman, so she lives in a panopticon, and HAVING to get surgery and wear make-up to be respected IS oppression, especially if the alternative is being hate-crimed.

trans women (and trans men who pass) are not experiencing "transandrophobia" when a 'queer women and nbs" event turns them away at the door for being too masculine. they are. IN FACT!! experiencing the byproducts of misogyny in a patriarchy!!! where the terfs and coward cis women running those events and occupying those spaces have been taught (sometimes through experience, sometimes by men, sometimes by women) throughout life that men = stronger and more dangerous than women ALWAYS. That they need to protect themselves at all times and always be vigilant. That men and women can't be friends without sexual tension (and so as queer women the mere existence of what they perceive as a "man" is a threat). That women need a separate sports league because they can't possibly compete with someone who has even a little bit "extra" (an unquantifiable amount actually because there isn't a standard range) testosterone. That women should cook and men should fix cars. i promise you, i promise i promise i promise. it's misogyny. like!!! you don't say cis gay men experiences "androphobia", bc that's not a thing!! you sound like fucking mens rights activists guys please! you don't say a black man experiences "misandrynoir"!! because living in a patriarchy fundamentally means men do not experience oppression based on their gender. its not happening. shut the fuck up. stop walking us back to 2014 can we please take a step forward and stop bitching about this. there are genuine issues in the world and i'm frankly sick of people who should be smarter than that needing to be gently hand-held through this fucking explanation for the millionth time and still stomping their feet.

[spurgie-cousin]

Are u surprised Tiffany has dropped her own name and become a Bates. I thought she would have double barrelled it

No I would've been more surprised if she'd kept her old name in any way. I don't think people think of Tiffany as very conservative bc she's not compared to a lot of pop culture fundamentalists but compared to the average person (esp from California) she's very conservative.

She was not only raised as a conservative Christian but chose someone even more conservative than her family to marry, so I think that is a good sign that she's sipping on the Kool aid big time.

[thesleepyspoonie]

I started redoing the playroom yesterday. The second picture was after I had started taking out all the shelving & sorting through the toys.

I so badly wanted that Pinterest-mom Montessori playroom, which is what it originally was. But I've had come to terms with the fact that its just... not my kids style. My kids are active and like to climb, build, and destroy. Every day every single bin and box would be dumped out and then not even played with.

So I'm turning the playroom into a jungle gym. Im keeping a few bins with blocks and such, but I donated all the random plastic toys and crap they'd been gifted over the years that they never touched. I'll be adding another 3 rows of floor pads to the back there and I ordered a ball pit and 6ft tall rock and rope climbing mountain. 😁

They are so physical and, these days, its hard for me to get them outside for more than just an hour or two a day. Plus, rainy season is coming. I am SO excited to get it all set up. The kids are going to have so much fun.

Doing all the sorting, organizing, mopping, and setting up yesterday was WAY past my limits. It was dumb of me to do so much in one go - I was just so overexcited. I've spent most of the day in bed with a wicked headache and neck pain.

I need to heal up before their mountain gets here because there is NOTHING stopping me from putting that thing together the second it hits my door step 🤣

[thefundiesims]

The Scott Residence, Willow Creek 8:43 pm

Hey there, Watcher-honoring gals! Summer here, from Sim Defined and In The Prayer Closet. Today I wanted to talk to y’all about something that has been weighing heavy on my heart.

Have you heard of “scenarios”? They are choose-your-own-adventure games aimed at children, especially young girls. Sounds like harmless fun, right? Wrong! The topics of these “scenarios” go completely against the Watcher’s design for womanhood and marriage. Take a look:

“Power couple?” “Married to their jobs?” Ladies, make no mistake: this is dangerous secular propaganda! Our culture wants us to literally give up on the idea of marriage as a holy covenant between a man and a woman.

There is no such thing as a “power couple”, because a woman’s place is in the home! The Watcher designed females with special hormones that make us the perfect mothers and homemakers, and nothing else.

Here’s another example:

The secular culture wants us to think that it’s okay to get divorced or call off an engagement for just any old reason! Atheists think it’s “cool” or “fun” to have several divorces and abortions each month!

The truth is, only the Watcher can give us deep family connections that will never break. That’s why families that honor the Watcher together, always stay together forever.

[alliluyevas]

One thing that I'm learning a lot more about that I'm finding fascinating is the evolution of Relief Society (the church-run women's organization), and change over time through the different administrations of its leaders, and how Relief Society presidents interfaced with both lower-level leaders (who were typically though not always younger and often with different priorities) and with the external influence of male church leaders (Relief Society President is the highest-ranking position in the LDS church that is held by a woman).

I know a fair bit about the lives and biographies of the first several Relief Society presidents (namely, Emma Smith, Eliza Snow, Zina Young, and Emmeline Wells) but the only later RS leader I knew anything about was Amy Lyman and in that case not very much, and I hadn't really read anything specifically looking at these women's Relief Society administrations and comparing the bureaucratic leadership and general tone of the organization over time.

It was really interesting to track the change in focus--part of which I think was generational but also just based on the personalities and beliefs of the women themselves. Like I don't think it would be fair to Eliza Snow to characterize her as an anti-feminist but I certainly don't think she was really a proto-feminist either and in general she was considerably less interested in women's rights issues and suffrage than someone like Emmeline Wells who was a generation younger, and while EW was definitely still very proud of her Mormon identity and with specifically promoting the goals of Utah women, she was much more willing to and excited about working with non-Mormon women's rights activists around the country and a lot less isolationalist than Eliza Snow was.

But then going into the 20th century, Emmeline Wells is now an elderly woman who is respected as one of the last of the pioneer generation but also definitely seen as a bit outdated by up-and-coming Utah-born Mormon women like Amy Lyman, who is young enough to be her granddaughter and has a dramatically different vision for the Relief Society that moves away from seeing it as a locus of female spirituality and focuses on social work and charitable causes, and which Emmeline Wells feels is too secular.

I also didn't know EW was forced to step down from the Relief Society Presidency by male leaders, I had read that she had stepped down due to age and poor health (she was 93, whereas previous RS presidents had served until their deaths but had died in their 80s) but apparently that wasn't her choice and she was pressured into it. Apparently she was devastated and was basically bedridden and crying off and on until she died only three weeks later, and I honestly do feel horrible for her. I do think she likely should have retired earlier but no one ever had before and it sounds like the way they handled it was pretty cruel and made the last weeks of her life much more emotionally painful than they would have otherwise been. (I also want to point out that none of the male church leaders have ever retired or been forcibly retired, including several prophets who were well into their 90s, several of whom seem to have been experiencing major cognitive decline, and the current prophet is literally 99 years old.)

Then Amy Lyman ends up bringing in a very different, more "modern" and more secular form of Relief Society, but also clashes with male church leaders who are by this point getting much more hardline conservative and disagree with her both about politics around welfare and about what a women's place should be, and then she in turn is practically forced to step down over a scandal involving her husband having a secret second wife (which was news to her too) and replaced by Belle Spafford who was less progressive and worked more in line with male church leader's expectations, and then you get a Relief Society that becomes more of a social club for homemakers and eventually opposes the ERA.

Very interesting!

I've been reading the newly released American Zion: A New History of Mormonism by Benjamin Park, which I would definitely recommend. I had a bit of a hard time connecting with it at first because it's a historical overview and especially when it comes to 19th century Mormon history I already had read about most of what it covers in more depth, but a) I think the target audience of this book is someone with less historical knowledge about Mormonism than I have b) I think it does provide a very solid and nuanced overview of the material for that person who is not willing or able to read 20 different books about 19th century Mormonism c) now that we're in the 20th century, which overall I know much less about in terms of Mormon history, a lot of this is new to me or has details or analysis I didn't know.

[rose-lily-field]

Do you have any book recommendations for traditional femininity, homemaking etc..?

Yep! I haven't read all of these, but they've been recommended to me. Some are secular, some are religious:

Femininity: Finer Femininity A Sunshiny Disposition - Mrs. Leane G. VanderPutten Set-Apart Femininity - Leslie Ludy Let Me Be a Woman - Elisabeth Elliot Fascinating Womanhood - Helen Andelin Created to Be His Help Meet - Debi Pearl Beautiful Girlhood - Karen Andreola The Excellent Wife - Martha Peace His Chosen Bride - Jennifer J. Lamp A Return to Modesty - Wendy Shalit Dressing with Dignity - Colleen Hammond

Homemaking: The Nesting Place - Myquillyn Smith Large Family Logistics - Kim Brenneman The Christian Homemaker's Handbook - Pat Ennis The Hidden Art of Homemaking - Edith Schaeffer She Made Herself a Home - Rachel Van Kluyve Mrs. Dunwoody's Excellent Instructions for Homekeeping - Miriam Lukken How to Sew a Button - Erin Bried The Homemaker's Mentor Treasury of Homekeeping Skills - Martha Greene The Girl's Guide to Home Skills - Martha Greene Home Economics Household Skills - Amy Maryon Home-Ec 101 - Heather Solos The Woman's Book of Household Management - Florence Jack

Parenting: Positive Parenting - Rebecca Eanes The Newbie's Guide to Positive Parenting - Rebecca Eanes The Conscious Parent - Dr. Shefali Tsabary How Children Learn - John Holt How to Raise a Lady - Kay West How to Raise a Gentleman - Kay West A Kids' Guide to Manners - Katherine Flannery Mothers Manual - Francis Coomes

Natural Living: The Lost Book of Remedies - Claude Davis The Encyclopaedia Of Healing Foods - Dr. Michael Murray The School of Natural Healing - John R. Christopher Culpeper's Medicine - Graeme Tobyn

I'm sure I have more books somewhere, but I can't find them at the moment - I'll add later if I can find them! If anyone has any other recommendations, let me know! I love finding new books to read and study.

[elitebutterfly]

it is exhausting, I repeat, exhausting, being a slightly left-leaning person exploring tradfem tumblr.

all I want are the photos of husbands and wives being dressed to the nines, posts about happy marriages, tips on homemaking, quotes on femininity, old hollywood glamour, and other such aesthetics. i’m even okay with the wholesome stay-at-home-mom/housewife content that may not always be 100% my thing. but no. it’s “I would let my christian children bully secular children just because” and other legitimately bad takes.