ldecristofaro

[ldecristofaro]

Comment on Butkers Brouhaha

I feel rather sad for this emasculated young man who was obviously indoctrinated in a very different Catholic Church than myself. His ignorance about the role of women in the Catholic Church (though it could be a lot better) is what I take issue with, not his saying women need to be uneducated, barefoot, and pregnant. He’s not the only person—man or woman—who believes that nonsense.

No, he just insulted every single Nun in the Catholic Church, basically telling them that their calling to serve Jesus Christ is an aberration, that they need to get married, serve their husbands, and bear children. 

Catholic nuns are the original feminists. They eschew marriage, children, and homemaking for careers spreading the word of God (rather than their legs). As teachers, doctors, nurses, missionaries, etc., they become “Brides of Christ,” giving up all worldly possessions, giving up sex, giving up being mothers and homemakers, giving up all the joys and sorrows of a secular existence for a fulfilling life serving God, his son Jesus Christ, and the Catholic Church. 

By telling the women at a Benedictine College that they all need to get married, stay at home, and have babies, is antithetical to the calling of Benedictine Sisters and other Nuns, like my Aunt, who received a higher calling. His comments were not only tone-deaf but also demonstrate his ignorance about his own purported Faith.

I do not believe in cancel culture. It’s bollix. He’s a passable enough kicker and all sports careers are short to begin with, so just leave him alone. He is entitled to his beliefs, as uninformed as they are.

But not all women find fulfillment in serving men as housekeepers, sex providers, baby makers, and mothers. They have a different calling, sometimes a higher calling like becoming a Nun, and it is not his or any other man’s place to tell any woman what her calling should be or how she should live her life.

As for his very un-Christ-like harangue against the LGBTQIA+ community….don’t get me started. All I will say is that the only people Jesus ever condemned were the hypocrites. 

Fin.

[ldecristofaro]

Happy Thanksgiving!

[ldecristofaro]

Oíche Shamhna Shona!

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Ed Sheeran's defense team should just play this for the jury...

[ldecristofaro]

Wishing Everyone a Happy and Safe All Hallow’s Eve!

[ldecristofaro]

Celebrating the Birth of One Deceased

Today would have been my father’s 86th Birthday. He passed away on February 26, 2022 from complications due to negligent care at the hospital. He went into the hospital for a gallbladder infection that was drained and treated with antibiotics. He was on his way to rehab when a doctor came in and said he was going to perform an unnecessary surgery and put two stents in his leg to help with circulation. They punctured something when they inserted a catheter, which caused internal bleeding and ensuing blood clots that traveled to his lungs and killed him.

Before you go off on the “well, he led a good, long life” or “well, he was 85” nonsense, I want to be honest about his overall health and stress that although he had diabetes, it was under control and had been for more than twenty years. He had all his limbs, toes, and fingers. His heart and lungs were strong. His mind was as sharp as ever. His eyesight was going and his mobility wasn’t the best, but he was receiving good care at home and had another ten years with us at least. He earned the right to pass away peacefully in his sleep at home, not to die gasping for breath in a hospital bed due to the gross ineptitude of a doctor and hospital.

What’s my point? There is none—other than that he should be alive to celebrate his birthday with us today.

I started watching this Korean show on Netflix about a group of otherworldly beings that in the English subtitles they translated as “grim reapers,” who meet souls at the moment of death and escort them to the next phase—heaven, hell, reincarnation—depending on how they lived their lives. One of the episodes I watched last night had them greeting a war hero and escorting him to heaven where he was reunited with his mother.

It made me burst into tears of course, but also gave me hope that something so fantastical might actually happen when we pass, and that someone was there to escort my father’s soul to heaven. I’m going to hang on to that feeling for as long as I can because the alternative emotions I have been feeling since his passing have been unbearable.

My final thoughts:

Don’t procrastinate, there will never be enough time. Don’t take anyone for granted, you never know how long they have. Say I love you loudly and often.

Fin.

[ldecristofaro]

[ldecristofaro]

“What will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?”

[ldecristofaro]

Woe Is I

I keep hearing the excuse from Trump supporters (for the act of treason committed on January 6) was that they were “confused and heartbroken that their candidate didn't win” per the FOX News Entertainment channel. 

Really? Confused and heartbroken? I remember how confused and heartbroken I was when an accused serial molester and rapist, four plus bankruptcy claiming conman and grifter—who lost by over 3 million votes to the most qualified and accomplished candidate to ever run for the office of President—still managed to win because of the antiquated Electoral College system. 

I was angry. I was concerned for the damage to our country, the direction Trump would take our country. I disagreed with everything he said he would do when elected—all of the same things that his supporters have said about the incoming administration. I accepted the horrible truth that he had won—even though he had lost the popular vote and I too had my doubts about the legitimacy of the election due to foreign disinformation and interference. 

What I didn't do? I didn’t commit an Act of Insurrection and Sedition. I didn't organize a mob to attack my country. Granted, in Hillary I had a grown up as my candidate who did the right and patriotic thing and gracefully conceded. She didn't continue to lie about the outcome of the election. She didn't urge her supporters to use violent measures to overthrow the government. 

All over the news, they keep saying 77 million people don't understand why they lost, that the election must have been stolen from them because the outgoing President said it was. A lie that has been perpetuated by Republican Senators and Representatives in Congress. 

Well, I have some honesty to lay on Trump supporters now. The reason your guy lost is because 84 million people voted for the other guy. Period. There was no ballot box stuffing, vote stealing or equipment tampering by the ghost of Hugo Chavez. There were no irregularities or the nonsense that Cruz, Hawley or that QAnon crazy Greene woman and other members of the “GQP” are still peddling. 

Like you all told those of us who voted for Hillary four years ago, “too bad Snowflake, [Biden’s] your President.”

In four years’ time, another Republican who embodies your radical racist, white supremacist, Fascist and Nazi views will be running for office and you can hitch all your horses to that person’s wagon.

I, and other’s like me, will continue to use our voices and votes to further the cause of Democracy, to promote a more perfect union and uphold the Constitution and Laws of the United States of America.

Until then, those who committed sedition on January 6 will be found, arrested, tried and, hopefully, convicted. 

E Pluribus Unum.

[ldecristofaro]

The Supreme Court Can’t Be A Monolith

In 1789, the Supreme Court was established Under the Constitution of the United States of America, and per the the Judiciary Act of 1789, was originally comprised of six members. At that time, there were 13 states in the union, there were 11 Federal District Courts (NC and RI courts would not be added until 1790 when those states finally ratified the Constitution) and the population of the country was 3,929,214 (as of the 1790 census). There were several changes to the number of justices  on the Court after the initial set up, going as low as four or five justices and as high as 11. 

There is nothing in the Constitution or any written laws that state how many Justices there can be on the Supreme Court.

The last time there was a change to the number of justices on the Supreme Court came by way of the Judiciary Act of 1869, when the number of Federal District Courts was changed to 9 and the number of justices was raised from the previous seven to nine, one for every Federal District Court established by that 1869 Act. There were 37 states in the union in 1869 and the population (from the 1870 census) was 38,925,598. 

The number of  Supreme Court justices has remained a monolith since that time even though the United States has grown and now has 94 Federal District Courts, 50 states, 14 territories and the District of Columbia, and a population of 328.2 million (as of 2019).

With these last two appointments to the Supreme Court, that august body has ceased to be a bipartisan and co-equal branch of our government and has instead become a wholly owned political arm of the Republican Party. An outcome that was feared by George Washington and other founders.

The only remedy is Court reform. We need a new Judiciary Act that balances out the Court with an equal combination of conservative, moderate and liberal justices. It also needs to reflect the current number of states, the current population of the country and the current number of Federal District Courts. 

151 years have come and gone since we last looked at the makeup of the Supreme Court, and a lot has changed in our country, and a lot continues to change. Our country has grown and our Supreme Court needs to grow as well. 

....And don't even get me started on the Electoral College!

[ldecristofaro]

#joenotpinocchio

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[ldecristofaro]

Theatre of the Absurd

As I watch the goings on of King Donald and his Court of Fools, I cannot help thinking about my days in college studying Eugene Ionesco and other playwrights that came to exemplify the Theatre of the Absurd. To use a currently popular, if overdone, turn of phrase, the “dumpster fire” we are now experiencing in real time reminds me of a cross between The Rhinoceros and The Bald Soprano with a little of Luigi Pirandello’s Six Characters in Search of An Author thrown in for good measure. 

I can only hold firm to the belief that truth and justice will prevail. The arc of the pendulum may be agonizingly slow, but eventually it will halt its swing.

Ire ad tempus!

[ldecristofaro]

When a Friendship Dies....

Let me begin by saying that I don't have a lot of friends—loads of acquaintances and colleagues, more family than any one person has the right to have—but not very many friends. In fact, I have—strike that— had, two very good friends. Now, there is only one left. 

I first learned that my friend of almost 30 years had decided that I was no longer going to be a part of her life while I was on vacation with my family. We worked for the same company. The week before my trip, she was laid off from her job—and I was the one who had to break the news to her about it. It was an incredibly stressful and difficult thing for both of us. I had to remain dispassionate and professional even though it was emotionally painful. I had to disconnect. It was the only way to get through what I had to do—and not only to her, but to two others, including a blood relative. 

There was a lot of miscommunication going on prior to her being laid off and I somehow misread several verbal and non-verbal cues she had been giving me for several months prior—though in my defense, I’m not sure how I was supposed to interpret statements like, and I quote, “This job is ruining my marriage,” “There’s no growth opportunity for me here,” “I feel disrespected,” “Friday will be my last day,” and, “I’ll come in on Monday and pack up my things.” Since she already knew that she was going to be among the first to be laid off, I figured this was her way of saving face. Boy, was I wrong!

I emailed her immediately after she left the office from my personal email to let her know how sorry I was that she was leaving, to offer any assistance I could, and to let her know how much I cared for her and her family.

The very next day, I find out that she was in the process of refinancing the mortgage on her house, which she had purchased a year earlier, and she had just found out that the bank was making their calculations based on both of their salaries, not just her husband’s salary as she believed, and since she had effectively quit her job, their refi was in jeopardy.

I called her, as any good friend would do, to see what I could do to help the situation. Before I could get a word in, she backpedaled on all of the statements she had made to me and took on a victim narrative, casting me in the role of villain. Her new claim was that I fired her “on purpose,” and that I was “punishing her” for some reason or another, and how could I let her go “after all she had done for me [sic] and the company,” among a host of other, rather personal, attacks on my character, my honor and my veracity. She was in hysterical, sobbing tears. 

I took full responsibility for all miscommunication and reiterated that we were not going to begin lay-offs until either mid-month or the end of the month and, most importantly, that I had spoken with the boss and we both agreed that if she wanted to come back, if it would help her, then she could. It had only been one day. I stressed again that we didn’t want to lose her or any of the other people who were also on the lay-off list, that it was a purely business driven decision. Her overly dramatic response? “No, no, no,  it’s too late now.” She then said she had to go, that she was “in the car.” I told her again how sorry I was and to reach out if there was anything I could do.

I left on my long-scheduled and non-refundable vacation.

I was staying with my cousin who had wi-fi so I could keep track of things at the office, process the payroll while I was out of town and check my emails and social media. The first indication that something was afoot came about a week into my vacation when I received an alert from my credit card company that a refund had been processed for a monthly subscription gift that I had been sending to her for years. It was a partial refund for the remainder of this year. Apparently, she called the company and told them she didn't want it. The next indication came  a couple of days after that, when I checked my social media accounts and found that she had “unfriended” me on Facebook, “unfollowed” me on Twitter, and blocked me on Snapchat and Instagram.

I thought that maybe there was a rational explanation for it. Maybe she changed her user names or decided to take a break from all social media. Since she no longer had two dogs, maybe it was too painful for her to receive the monthly Bark Box addressed to both her dogs or she called them to return part of the gift as there was only the one dog now. I was not going to jump to any conclusions until we had spoken. Once again, I was wrong.

I returned home on a Sunday and was going to call her during lunch my first day back in the office on Monday as I had gotten her and her husband a gift from my travels (as I have done for years) and wanted to make arrangements to give it to her—and to find out why she had shut me out on social media and returned the gift. 

Before I could call her, she called me hysterically sobbing, accusing me of being mean to her, lying to her, not being a good friend; “you didn't call me from Ireland,” I “was so nice” to another employee who also preemptively gave notice just that morning. I didn't call her when her “daughter” (aka her dog) died. She couldn’t remember the conversation we had the day after she left as she was “upset” that day and “in the car,” and had “taken her anti-depressants [sic],” and a lot of other emotionally over-the-top statements. I tried to remain calm, but it was coming at me so fast all I could do was apologize over and over and over again. I once more accepted responsibility for any and all miscommunication between us. I did ask her why she blocked me on social media and her response was that she “had no choice,” that it was “obvious I [sic] no longer wanted to be her friend.” I didn't know what else to say at that point other than that I would always think of her as my friend regardless. I never had a chance to tell her about the gift.

On a side note, about the “daughter/dog” comment: I gave her over a week of additional paid leave to deal with her dog’s illness, allowed her to work only 5 or 6 hours a day after she came back to work—when it looked like the treatments they were giving the dog were working—so she could get home in the afternoon before her husband left for his job so the dog wouldn’t ever be alone; and then, when the cancer came back even worse and the dog had to be euthanized, I gave her almost two weeks paid bereavement leave to grieve. I also talked and/or texted with her every single day during this six or seven week period. She remembers none of it. I know of no other boss who would have allowed an employee, even if they were a friend, that kind of consideration for the death of a pet.

I let a week go by after that call and then reached out to see if she were in a calmer, more rational frame of mind. She didn't answer so I left a message asking her to call me so we could talk about everything.

A few days go by before she calls me back (on a Sunday afternoon).  Once again, she had rewritten the narrative in her mind about the chronicle of events. I fell on my sword several times during the conversation—again accepting all responsibility for what transpired—in a last ditch effort to salvage our friendship. All I got was a new and improved victim narrative. I was the horrible person with “no empathy for her [sic] situation.” I was to blame for everything, and she didn't see how she could “ever trust me again.” That 45 minute call ended with her saying “maybe we will talk again.” To me though, it sounded like goodbye and don’t let the door hit you on the way out. 

It’s been almost a month since that conversation and I have resisted the urge to call or text or send her links to things I know she’d find interesting—and it hurts my heart. The more I think about everything that has transpired over the course of our long relationship, the more I talk it out with my therapist and family, the more I see it through a critical lens rather than an emotional one—my eyes have been truly opened. Opened to the fact that our friendship was always decidedly one-sided, with more give on my side and more take on hers, and when she could no longer take, she cut me loose. 

To be honest, I sort of always knew that this was the case—and I was fine with it. That’s what friend’s do for each other—they support each other. They cheer you on in the good times and help you through the bad times. I was always there for her, through some of the most traumatic times in her life, giving her emotional, moral, physical and financial support regardless of the cost to me in all of those areas. That’s just what you do. If she needed me, I dropped everything and came to her aid. Always.

I have come to realize during this time that she had actually been extricating herself from our friendship long before this event occurred. If I needed help, I could not count on her to be there unless it was convenient for her to do so. There was always an excuse. Maybe she realized that the sustained taking was coming to an end, that her cash cow was drying up, and it was time to move on to another. The signs were all there. It wasn't until I began talking about my feelings about the loss of our friendship in session that I even recognized that there was a pattern. 

They say time heals all wounds, but I fear this rift can never be fully mended, and even if we did “make up,” our relationship could never again be the close, familial one that it had been. In the meanwhile, I need to move on, which is something that I have never been very good at doing. 

Another life lesson.

UPDATE 09/23/20

I recently was spending time with my 3 year old niece who didn't want to put her underwear back on after going potty. Very stubborn. When I wouldn't let her walk out of the bathroom sans bloomers, she turned to me and said “I’m not going to be your friend anymore!” I asked her why. She responded, “You’re mean to me.” 

It was like a lightening bolt! I realized that this is exactly what my former friend did when she “unfriended” me because I was “mean to her.” She had acted like a 3 year old.

Once again the thought of the lost friendship made me sad, but not in the same way. This time, I was feeling sad for her. What happened in her life that caused her emotional maturity to become stunted at toddler level? I know that my emotional maturity capped out in my early 20s and I’ve been working to overcome it, but I don't think that she is even aware of her emotional immaturity, and that made me very sad for some reason.