#secret life of plants

[unfoldingrose]

Datura’s Daughter

Reading Key 🔑

OPEN & LISTEN/READ ALL LINKS. THIS IS FOR UNDERSTANDING.

ALL LINKS ARE UNDERLINED RED

I had briefly read about Datura as a late teen/20-year-old. The plant intrigued me and was always in the background of my walk (studies). She wasn’t of utmost importance to me regardless of Her ever presence. I simply wasn’t ready...until I was.

My stumbling upon Datura in real life was serendipitous and so so unexpected.  

August 2019, I was having a full moon stroll with a beloved musical genius. We will call him FireBird.

FireBird and I were discussing the Andromedin star system, and the Arch(acnid)s of Time. He and I tended to get deeply esoteric with each other. He kept up with me AND expounded upon conversation to the point where I found myself having to keep up with him. Despite the craziness of our connection, he and I were kin in that way. Hearts that sincerely sought to be One with Mystery.

Selene in Her fullness beamed down on us. Crickets sang their song, and East Atlanta’s humidity cloaked our skin.

We’d came across his neighbor’s house like we did a million times before, but I guess this night the neighbor’s Datura blooms were at peak ripeness just for us to see.

The flowers held their faces up towards the moon. Their sentient, Gramophone petals bellowing out Her intoxicatingly quiescent aroma. I gasped. Literally. In awe.

FireBird was off put, but I told him it was Sacred Datura, and he trusted my giddy response. Omg FireBird, I read about that plant before, see! Come on!

I innocently went over to the neighbor’s yard and inhaled with my whole lung. I picked a flower and nectar spilled over my fingertips. I eagerly put the flower in his face for him to inhale and experience Her as well.

I was ignorant that an inhale + nectar absorbed through skin alone will send you on a trip- though not nearly as deadly as ingesting the seed. Things got creepy, crawly, hilarious, scary, and <<*~FreaQQy~*>> (freaky::frequency), to say the least. An unplanned Datura encounter is an initiation in and of itself. This animalistic plant tends to stay with you. Your shadow is the humectant, and Datura is the moisture. I have learned that it is possible to come across certain plants and be inside their vortex…indefinitely.

Four years have passed, and I have been inside Datura’s Fib0nacci ever since- with less intensity as time goes on.

Here is some of what She’s revealed to me…

Vision Quest & Flying Ointment 

Datura (Thorn Apple, Jimsonweed, etc.) belongs to the Solanaceae family- the same family as tomatoes, potatoes, and bell peppers. She is a weedy perennial, with large trumpet blooms, and stanky, menacing leaves. Solanaceae is unique in that several species contain the presence of strong alkaloids. Alkaloids are multifaceted organic plant compounds, and can be toxic to humans in even low amounts. Within Datura are three tropane alkaloids: atropine, hyoscyamine, scopolamine. Of the tropanes in Datura, hyoscyamine tends to have higher concentration; however, depending on the species + time & place of harvest, tropane concentration may vary. Datura’s alkaloids (as with all Solanas) effect the body in a host of ways, but the most common are pupil dilation; reduced secretions from respiratory, urinogenital, salivary, and other mucosal glands; effects on the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system; rapid increase or decrease in heart rate. 

Datura is a deliriant under the hallucinogen umbrella. In the offshoots of reddit, one can find the r/Datura community where users describe their Datura horror stories. Deliriants (aka derailments) trigger erratic behaviors that can endanger others or self, strong hallucinations, hysteria, an inability to realize that one *is* hallucinating, vivid dreams, memory loss, true dysphoria, and more. Unfortunately for most...Datura’s hallucinations are that of a waking nightmare. Ain’t nothing cute and lighthearted about Her. 

Despite Datura’s terrifying association, She has been recorded for medicinal and spiritual purposes amongst various groups throughout the world. I find, as with most toxins and venoms, that the cure is hidden within the poison. It is painfully clear that earlier generations were aware of this knowledge when compared to modern people’s haphazard use of Datura. It seems as though, for the same effects tropane alkaloids cause, they can also relieve them as well.

 Datura (+ Her other tropane containing sister flowers) assist with: easing migraines, pain, & muscle spasms; curbing mucosal excess; rectifying cognitive problems stemming from spine injury; settling motion sickness & nausea; regulating cardiac arrythmia; unraveling violent PTSD and sexual traumas; and even calming asthmatic fits (when smoked). Speaking of smoke, ain’t it funny how Datura is in the same family as Tobacco? A common hallucination people report is that cigarettes appear out of thin air- and they have a smoke. Once they’re done smoking, the cigarette reappears again, and they are compelled to do it over again. Is it that during this hallucination, the body is attempting to regain control over respiratory function? Who knows...

 According to Kymia Arts, fire neutralizes tropane alkaloids, and ol plant lady Emma Dupree states here (@ minute 13:13) that dried Datura leaves “help em get they breath.”

In homeopathic practices, specialists name those who could benefit from Datura as a Stramonium person.  In extreme cases, this person has a deep fear of the dark, fear of danger, homicidal tendencies, an aversion to water, reflective surfaces, and being alone. They can be epileptic, manic, rageful, and schizophrenic. In mild cases, they can be dyslexic, have poor speech, or muscle ticks. I intuit that Datura heals these ailments because spiritually, this person is already in Her realm...and only She can reclaim & set you free.  She allows one to overcome their fears by *leaving* it at Her doorstep. For She eats fear and all arcane things for dinner...

On the inverse, Datura intoxication causes extreme dry mouth/throat, extreme thirst, speaking in tongues/babble, auditory phantoms, incoherence, loss of motor function, inability to read, inability to *perceive* danger, and (hopefully) temporary madness...

As I said before, Datura has been used worldwide by a wide range of groups. According to Pharmako Gnosis, the Tsonga of South Africa “use Datura fatuosa in girls’ initiation ceremonies for exorcism. After the ingestion of a decoction of Datura root, the ceremony is marked by dancing, rapid drumming, disrobing, and the invocation of a blue-green pattern of the ancestor spirits” (p. 248). 

One of Kalifornia’s indigenous tribe Chumash were known to use Datura ritualistically as well. For them, the main purpose of Datura consumption was to receive the gift of a dream helper. The Chumash chose the female Datura plant, dried Her root, and chewed the dried root during winter [Saturn’s season::Datura’s planetary ruler]. It is reported that their ceremonies with Datura were called Vision Quest (in Chumash Mother Tongue of course). One can even find the term Vision Quest in modern media; a prime example is in the suspense-horror film “Us” directed by Jordan Peele. There is a reoccurring scene where small girl is sent to a creepy mirror filled “funhouse” with the banner Vision Quest over the top. That “funhouse” is akin to a Datura trip...

In India, the powdered seeds were mixed with butter and taken internally for impotence as well as being applied to genitalia to obtain sexual vigor (Lewis 1977:330). Referred to as the tuft of Shiva, the god of destruction, Datura was also used in the form of a liquid extract by thugs - worshipers of Kali, the goddess of fertility and death - to stupefy sacrificial victims. The plant was also given to young girls in India to bring them Into prostitution as well as on their clients (Siegel 1989:21). The leaves were smoked as well in that country to relieve asthma (Lewis 1977:395).

Datura metel. Phytognosis.

In European traditions, plant women were known to create flying ointments containing Datura or another tropane containing Solanas. It is possible that the creation of flying ointments are a part of why women during that time were accusing of “flying on brooms.” It is said witches would apply flying ointments to their brooms, or even to their vuvlas for aphrodisiac effects. 

“All of the tropane plants were major ingredients in various “flying ointments,” along with sundry other dangerous and nefarious substances such as water hemlock (Cicuta virosa), hemlock (Conium maculatum), monkshood (Aconitum napellus), opium poppy (Papver somniferum), soot, baby’s fat, bat’s blood and poplar (Populus spp.) Pharmako Gnosis. (245).

Another hallucination people have reported is a feeling of flying, or the sight of levitating beings. I attribute the flying sensation to an increase in heart rate. Interestingly, I have a hunch that users may also be experiencing the essence/spirit Datura’s primary polliantor, the nocturnal Sphinxmoth. 

Now I want you to take the time to read this. Below is an instagram caption from artist and chemist Bryan Lehto of Bio Temple Hawaii.

This amino acid (Tropane) plays a critical role in a variety of biological processes, from the formation of bird feathers to the synthesis of tropane alkaloids and the production of polyamine spermidine. The presence of ornithine in nature is a reminder of the intricate connections. Birds are perhaps the most well-known source of ornithine in nature. This amino acid is a critical component of the keratin that makes up bird feathers. Ornithine is an important precursor to the synthesis of the amino acid arginine, which is used to make the keratin that forms feathers. Without ornithine, birds would not be able to maintain their distinctive plumage and would be unable to fly or regulate their body temperature. Interestingly, ornithine is also a precursor to the synthesis of tropane alkaloids. These are a class of organic compounds found in a variety of plants, including belladonna, henbane, and jimson weed (Datura). Tropane alkaloids are known for their psychoactive properties and have been used for medicinal and ritual purposes such as flying ointments for centuries. The presence of ornithine in these plants that underlie their pharmacological effects. Their poisonous berries are spread by birds. Ornithine is a precursor to the synthesis of the polyamine spermidine. This compound is found in all living cells and plays a crucial role in a variety of cellular processes, including DNA replication, protein synthesis, and cell division. Spermidine is involved in the growth and development of plants, as well as the maturation of sperm cells in animals. An intermediate in the biosynthetic pathways of both tropane alkaloids and spermidine are the compounds of putrescene and cadaverine, the odors of death. If we look at the metaphors present in the biological processes of the amino acid ornithine, we see not only the metaphor of flight but the leitmotif of death, the underworld, and the resurrection of new life.”

Cool rite? 

Let’s keep going...

Vampire Squid from Hell

When Datura (or any other powerful plant) takes you into its vortex, intel about its occulted aspects finds its way to you without overt searching. She made it clear soon after our encounter that She is a land-dwelling expression of a cephalopod named Vampyroteuthis Infernalis, or Vampire Squid from Hell.  Vampyroteuthis Infernalis hasn’t had many extreme changes over the course of its 350-299 million year existence. It is considered a living relic, which means the genetic wisdom of this creature is still intact for us to observe and understand. 

One can detect the energetics of Datura in the location, and physiology of Vampire Squid. 

Vampire Squid dwells in the Mesopelagic Zone of the Ocean where oxygen becomes sparce. This deepening end of the Ocean is coined the oxygen minimum zone (OMZ). The Mesopelagic is also attributed the phenomena of twilight. Lingering sunlight wanes rapidly into darkness, and temperature sharply declines as depth increases. The lines between the surface waters and the abysmal deep begin to transition here. Let’s consider the Ocean’s surface, or Epipelagic Zone as Datura’s inviting flower, and the abysmal home of Vampyroteuthis (OMZ) as Datura’s Lethal Alkaloids. Dawn. Dusk. Twilight.

Organisms that live in this level begin to display bioluminescence. Their eyes & physical form take on an…alien, strange appearance. 

Vampire Squid reportedly has the largest eyes in the animal kingdom, an adaptation needed to capture any glimpse of light in the endless black seas. It’s 8 arms are webbed and tipped with bioluminescent photophores. The underside of its webbing is decorated with fleshy spikes. When irritated, Vampire Squid will cloak itself in its arms, exposing these spikes. It not only takes on the shape of Datura’s inflorescence, but also Datura’s radical seed pod. 

[Photo Credit: Pinterest; Bing Images]

This blue-blooded cephalopod lives primarily in a resting state. Due to such low oxygen levels, it must maintain a low metabolism to conserve energy, and even possesses certain enzymes associated with anaerobic metabolism. The likelihood of Vampire Squid coming across live prey is rare- and so it feasts on detritus (decay, feces, mucus, “marine snow”) that sink from the Ocean’s surface. 

When reading about Vampire Squid, one fact that stood out to me is that they have “weak musculature but maintain agility and buoyancy (in the OMZ) with little effort due to sophisticated statocysts (balancing organs akin to a human's inner ear)(Wikipedia). Recall Datura’s aforementioned Gramophone petals? And Vampire Squid’s webbed arms? Don’t they look like triplets? What’s the connection?

Here are some field notes:

Oxygen Minimum Zone::OMZ::Ohms::Ω::OM:: H0me:: The Highly Contagious Viral Realm of Shadows:: Consequence of Datura’s toxic alkaloid scopolamine that causes respiratory failure [OXYGEN IS SPARCE]. Alchemist Kymia Arts states that the plant can cause one to suffocate themselves, as they drift off unconsciously into delirium. You won’t realize you’re drowning.

Gramophone::Grandma Phone::Recordings of the Crone [Saturn; ruling plant of Datura]. Hell’s Record Keeper.

Download:: Datura somehow has a mechanism on the human inner ear (statocyst, Vampire Squid buoyancy) causing auditory hallucinations… the intoxicated victim is finally able to hear the sounds of their own inner hell. Their internal Oxygen Minimum Zone.

Datura’s Daughter Short Materia Medica

Planetary Ruler: Saturn, Venus, and Mars

Energetics: Extremely Drying & Bitter; Drying action Causes Heat 

Z0diac: Capricorn, Scorpio, Libra

Organ Systems: Sympathetic & Parasympathetic Nerves, Respiratory, Cardiovascular, Neuromuscular, Urinogenital 

Properties: Deliriant, Hallucinogen, Shamanic, Poison, Anodyne, Antispasmodic

Associations: Death, Rot, Blood, The Devil, Decay, Madness, Hysteria, Fear, Trauma, OMZ, Gramophone, Vampyroteuthis Infernalis, Flight, Levitation, Sphinx Moths, Animalistic Urges, Indigenous, Folklore Traditions, Thugges of India (Datura shows who Thugs *really* are), Queen Toloache, Alice in Wonderland Queen of Hearts, Smoking, Lord Shiva, Chumash (California Condors), Initiatory Practices of men & the young. 

WARNING: Datura no longer respects or trusts 99.9% of humans. This is why so many Datura abusers don’t learn any lessons from Her as they would Psilocybin. Approach Datura with the utmost respect, sincerity, and innocence and you *might* be spared...

One night, a long time since that East Atlanta evening, I was tending to my garden. I had my playlist on shuffle. The song Throw Yo Sets in Da Air by Three 6 Mafia came on. I peeped my little Jimsonweed Datura dancing to it, specifically to the first verse given to us by the late Gangsta Boo, the Devil’s Daughter, and my inspiration for Datura’s Daughter. She gave me a wink and said She liked that verse! Haha. And so, from that day, Gangsta Boo’s verse has become what I call Datura’s Chanting Prayer. Linked below. 

RIP Gangsta Boo 

The Devil’s Daughter::Datura’s Daughter Chant Prayer

I think I finally have located the Gates of Death

Lie awake at Night to hatch my Evil plots I find Myself

Stumbling thru the Dark up against the f*ckin Verge of Sins

Bodies in my yard- Oh My God the Demons came again

People don’t you worry cus Datura’s Daughter got a plan

Ho, eternal burning you will have if you don’t comprehend

Understand this sh*t a Gangsta Bitch is sayin to ya Dawg

Lock you in the trunk mob thru the Night within a Mist of Fog

Never Fear a Nigga callin himself a Killer- wassup Bitch?

Boy you claim you so gahdamn Buck Wild wit that weak ass sh*t

Chillin at the hideout, smokin out, not worried bout a thang

Ballin through Black Haven deep as hell in that Suburban mane

Always watchin my back cus Niggas will jack you for your f*ckin sh*t

Female I am but don’t give a damn if I split some bustas bitch’s wig

Three 6 Mafia Niggas including one Female that’s bumping so Hard on you hoes

The only one talking that shit is these jealous ass niggas && all playa hatas you kno...

DISCLAIMER: I do not promote or recommend ingesting Datura AT ALL. Datura CAN and WILL kill you. Datura can cause PERMANENT psychosis/schizophrenia, blindness, and damage to the heart, liver, and kidneys. If ingested/applied topically, it must be done with the assistance an EXPERIENCED plant professional in THERAPEUTIC DOSES ONLY. Therapeutic doses are EXTREMELY diluted or combined with other alkaloid balancing compounds. 

DO NOT INGEST DATURA. She is not a psychedelic. She is a DELIRANT in even moderate doses. For experiences similar to mine, sincere and respectful communing with a live Datura plant is all that is necessary. You can still be impacted (spiritually) by Datura without taking that risk...

DO NOT work with Datura if you are not ready to mature and deal with the recesses of your unconscious mind, the places you don’t touch...where oxygen is low...and detritus is nourishment. 

[howardhawkshollywoodannex]

Ruby Crystal communicates with a cactus in one of the segments with people in The Secret Life of Plants (1978).

[applestruda]

The Earth

[parwatisingari]

To Be or Not Be Vegetarian.

To Be or Not Be Vegetarian.

The world vegetarian day is observed annually around the planet on October 1st.  In reality it celebrates the establishment of North American Vegetarian society.  This was in 1977 and endorsed in 1978 by international vegetarian union. The ideology being to promote joy, compassion and life-enhancing possibilities of vegetarianism. It brings to awareness the ethical, environmental, healthy and…

[goldenymph]

[mars-ax]

MARS. POST THE DOODLE OF SCOTT AND CLEO CUDDLING AND MY LIFE IS YOURS

so I don't usually post doodles because I'm very self-conscious about their quality, but just for you harper

So that doodle was actually in a series of other doodles all in the theme of "literal sleeping together" because that's one of my favorite things ever, so I might as well put them all here then

[stim-burrow]

Hello!! Could you make a stimboard of Secret Life Scar (specifically his skin with the green cloak) with mobility aids, and whatever else you think would fit? Thanks :)

Goodtimeswithscar (Secret Life) stimboard for Its-desca! 🌱

🦯 🦯 🦯

💚 💚 💚

🦽 🦽 🦽

[kaasbolletje]

[laddertek]

watching secret life and kicking my little legs watching etho and tango interact like absolute besties the whole time tbh

hehe right :D when they're together it's just undercurrent of vibrating happiness. "I saw two sheep!" ":D right, tango! suuuure you did!"; "of course I've got diamonds. that's what happens when you finish your task, slacker!" ":D I'm working on it!"; & e being like "what do you need? what do you need?" like of course he's gonna help out tango, and earlier giving over half his remaining iron for tango to have some pants so readily without even being asked

funniest little moment as well, tango choking and clearing his throat when etho said joel owns his heart xD what's wrong, there, tango??? 🤔😁

also etho finds it so funny when tango and bdubs fight 😂

could honestly live off of the smile you hear in etho's voice when he's talking to tango

[fluoresensitive]

“GREEN ANGELS”, Yah Yah Scholfield

digital collage, oct. 2022

[howardhawkshollywoodannex]

The Secret Life of Plants (1978) was photographed by Ghislain Cloquet, Mike Hoover, David Myers, and Robert Primes.

Ghislain was born in Antwerp and has 63 cinematography credits from 1950 to 1981. Ghislain was an Oscar winner for Tess (1981). His other honorable mention is Night and Fog. His entry among my best 1001 is Woody Allen's Love and Death.

Mike had 10 cinematography credits from 1970 to 2013. He was an Oscar winner for Up, his 1984 live action short.

Dave had 53 cinematography credits from a 1957 documentary short to a posthumous release of Bob Dylan's Rolling Thunder Revue. His other notable credits include Johnny Cash in San Quentin, Woodstock, THX 1138, Joe Cocker's Mad Dogs and Englishmen, Soul to Soul, Wattstax, Neil Young's Journey Through the Past, Let the Good Times Roll, Rust Never Sleeps, and Zoot Suit.

Rob has 57 cinematography credits from 1973 to a 2019 short. This is his second honorable mention, after Crimewave. His other notable credits include Sandstone, Rescue from Gilligan's Island, 20 episodes of Thirtysomething, 11 of Quantum Leap, and 14 of Felicity.

[youngyoo-apologist]

I like this scene because when I was writing it I was thinking about how fun everything would be once Alberu joins the party ahaha

This poor guy will not only have to deal with Regressor Cale, but Regressor Choi Han AND Kim Roksoo. Those three will never let the opportunity to tease Alberu slip by. Also I find this one scene really funny because Alberu is absolutely thinking to himself ‘what the hell was that’ when he made eye contact with Cale, the young master of the Henituse family who is famous for his brutal honesty and words, is smiling at him in a way that reminded Alberu too much of himself.

Realistically, there should be no way the young master knows anything about him, not when they had only exchanged a few greetings in passing. Sure, the Henituse county was rich, but they had no reason to dig for information on him unless he provoked them. So why did it feel like Cale Henituse knew something very important about him?

[kaidanalenkosprmanager]

THE BEST OF TUCHANKA: TURIAN PLATOON

Featuring: Cmdr. Sophie Shepard, Lt. James Vega, EDI, and Lt. Tarquin Victus With: Lt. Steve Cortez and The Ninth Turian Platoon Decisions like these weigh heavy on me- when I was a General, I could pass them up the chain of command. But now? I'm all I've got. I'm beginning to understand why leaders so often seem lonely... Worst case scenarios aren't just theories- they're what you'll be dealing with five minutes from now. Mass Effect 3: Legendary Edition (2021)

[titfairy]

Lada’s mom is so desperate at this point, all I can think about is that she’s going to lose everything. And I mean, everything, because she basically just betrayed Lada’s trust

She thinks she’s in control, but announcing the marriage to public without informing both Lada and dr Wisanu is such a disastrous move. The gays are flabbergasted

She can continue using “I’m doing this for the future of our business.” reason, which makes it an even more bad move imo. How can Lada and dr Wisanu work well together if their relationship start off this way? With her breaching everyone’s trust. All Lada’s mom did is ensuring life long resentment for both Lada and dr Wishnu.

This is not a strategic business move or whatever, Lada’s mom is just a rampant homophobe.

(What would she do when dr Wisanu comes out later then? lmooo)

She doesn’t realize that Lada can just leave everything behind and start a new life somewhere else. She’s an accomplished doctor by her own. What would Lada’s mom do? Sabotage her own daughter’s career?

What would the mom even do just IF:

1. Lada and Earn decide to go public with their relationship? Wouldn’t that be bad press for the hospital, especially for the mom if she gets exposed?

2. dr Wisanu realize he can just say no to the marriage too?

I don’t think the mom realize that she doesn’t have much control here tbh.

[hereforanepilogue]

everything that i say and do (in your eyes is always wrong)

read on ao3

After Vecna, Eddie tried to make himself…not different, but more palatable. It wasn’t even hard - the doctors had shaved his head while he was out, and all his clothes had sunk into the Upside Down with the trailer.

He wasn’t normal - he never would be - but if he tried to quiet down? Wore plainer clothes, and played his music quieter in the van, and didn’t go back to playing with the band (as if their parents would have let him up the driveway, as if he had a guitar to play)? It wasn’t hard. 

It made it easier on Wayne, on the kids. On Steve.

And wasn’t that a surprise? He hadn’t expected to be left in the dirt, after Vecna, if he survived. He just expected the slow withdrawal, as the kids aged out of hanging out with a high school dropout, and as the older group went off to college. But they clung, and people weren’t kind to them, and Eddie being a little less made that a little easier.

Then Steve kissed him, and told him he wanted more, and that one day they would get out of there together. If only Eddie could hold out a little while longer. He watched Robin and Wheeler the Elder go off to college, and the little sheepies got busy with their own campaigns in the secret, under-the-table Hellfire, but Eddie had Wayne and Steve.

Eddie almost forgot why he started acting like he did in the first place.

“You know,” Wayne told him one day - they were even more like ships in the night now, with Wayne still working nights from the new trailer and Eddie shacked up with Steve half the time - “I don’t know what happened in March, but you ain’t been this quiet since you were about this high.” He’d held his hand up in front of his ribs.

Eddie had been twelve when he moved in with Wayne, and he guessed he must look closer to that kid now than he had in years. So he started trying to fix it. He hunted in earnest for a new leather jacket, and a new denim jacket so he could cannibalize his bloodstained old vest, and band shirts to replace his old ones. It was thrilling, honestly, after he stopped mourning for what he’d lost. 

Still, the transformation was a slow one. He still got glares when he showed his face around town, and even when he was with Steve [his knight, his ever-present guardian] they couldn’t be affectionate. And he understood that, obviously. He was always being watched, they had to be extra careful, and he knows it would be worse for Steve, who’s always been golden. A freak can get away with a certain level of freakiness, even when he’s playing at normal.

It comes to a head almost a year after the boathouse.

~~~

“When are we getting out of here?” Eddie moans, draped over the couch. His hair is long enough to tickle the base of his neck annoyingly. Steve is in the other room, cooking - he never liked to use the trailer if they could avoid it. He didn’t want to get in Wayne’s space. 

“Soon, man. When the kids graduate, maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“I mean -”

“I just. I don’t know how much longer I can do this, you know?” Steve walks into the living room, glancing at the hook in the foyer where Eddie’s new and improved battle vest was hanging. Some of the patches still had blood stains on them.

“You could make it a little easier for them, I guess.”

“What?” Eddie is suddenly, painfully aware of the awkwardness of his pose, his arms twisted to press his hands into the crevice at the back of the couch, feet stuck between the cushions, head hanging over the edge. But he’s frozen.

“I just -” Steve sighs and scrubs his hand down his face, then rests it on his hip. He leans into the doorframe, in a move that Eddie knows is one of his worst plays at being casual. “You’re - you know I - you’re getting weird again, and people are still freaked out by everything that happened.”

“I’m getting weird again?”

“That came out wrong, you know -”

“I’ve always been weird, Steve, what are you talking about?”

“I mean you’re showing it now! I know you want to dress how you want to dress, but it just - maybe it’s not time yet.”

“Should I cut my hair again too?” Eddie scrambles to sit up, and ends up having to slither off of the couch on his belly. He just stands up instead.

“I mean, it wouldn’t hurt, you could grow it out later?” Steve protests. Something is starting to burn in the kitchen, but neither of them move.

“It’s not -” Eddie takes a breath. This is why he never tried hard to talk to people who didn’t come to him, he thinks. He’s never had to explain this before. “I’m not just dressing like this because I like it. I mean I am, but it’s not…it’s not just that.”

“What do you mean, it’s not just because you like it? That doesn’t make any sense. And I’m not saying don’t dress like you want at - at my place, and at home and stuff. Just maybe not when you’re -”

“What, in public? Around the good, God-fearing public of Hawkins who were just out for my blood a year ago? I’m not like you, Steve, that doesn’t work for me.” 

And Eddie has never been good at thinking fast, when it comes to serious things. He’s snappy, sure, he’s never not had a comeback to a bully, or to his friends’ ribbing, but he could never figure out how he felt, and he’s no better at it now. He’s just empty. Faramir on the way to Osgiliath, knowingly doomed.

But he knows he isn’t that, either, because he’s never been destined to win. And Steve still hasn’t said anything. 

“Is that it? You - what - you’re just gonna bait them until they kill you?”

“I don’t want to be here anymore,” Eddie says.

“We can’t leave yet, Eddie.”

“I can’t stay here,” he can feel his brain melting into a stuck record, and he doesn’t know what will happen if he tries to move but he has to try, right? “I want to leave, I don’t want to be here.”

“Is that all you have to say?”

“Yes.” He feels possessed. “I will say no more yet.”

And he leaves, and Steve doesn’t stop him. He has the forethought to grab his jacket, at least, and when he gets to his car it occurs to him that he left a stack of tapes in Steve’s room last night, but Steve didn’t follow him and he can’t go back, so he pushes them out of his mind and drives away.

One of them was his new copy of The Last in Line and he thinks about having to replace his favorite album twice in one year, and then he’s home and he doesn’t know how he got there.

“Wayne?” he says as he walks into the trailer. Whines, really, his voice has gone all weak, but Wayne hears it (he always does) and sits up on the couch. It’s early for him to be up, earlier than they would usually eat their breakfast/dinner, but Eddie had planned to bring leftover’s from Steve’s.

“What’s wrong, kid?”

“I - remember when you talked to Ray about transfers?”

“C’mere,” Wayne says, and Eddie lets himself be pulled into Wayne’s space like a magnet. He sits next to him, close enough to feel his body heat and get overwhelmed by the scent of oil and metal that follows him home from the plant. Wayne rests his hand between Eddie’s shoulder blades, and he’s twelve again.

“It’d be nice not to have to wash paint off the walls every weekend, right?” Eddie says. He can feel the pause where he might have laughed, if he could’ve landed the tone he wanted.

“What happened?” Wayne says. It’s not the “let’s go, grab your bag” that Eddie is secretly barely-not-hoping for, but Wayne has always known him better than anyone.

“I just can’t do this anymore,” Eddie says. Wayne opens his mouth, so Eddie reassures him. “Nothing happened. I mean, something - I just can’t keep acting like this. I’m not. I tried, I really did, but I can’t make it work.”

“Ah, kid,” Wayne says. It’s the voice Wayne had used when Eddie got sent home in the fourth grade for crouching on a desk and barking at a kid who made fun of him, when Eddie had gone to Wayne’s trailer instead of his parents’. He’d used it when Eddie showed up with his hair buzzed off the first time when he was seven, and he’d used it after the cop that dropped Eddie off after his dad’s last arrest had left, and he’d used it both times Eddie told him he’d flunked.

Eddie leans into it, lets his forehead drop on Wayne’s shoulder.

“I’ll - I’m not just running, okay? I just thought I could hold out, and I can’t. And I don’t think he’s ever gonna leave, you know?”

“S - Harrinton?” Eddie’s mouth twists at the correction, and Wayne taps on his back - once, one finger - when he tenses up. Eddie leans towards him, just a hair, then leans back. 

“Yeah.”

“Did he say that?”

“I mean, I don’t really remember. He - he told me I’m weird again and that I should tone it down.” Wayne rubs his hand up and down Eddie’s back once, then stills again.

“Well, that’s bullshit there, kiddo. I’ve never met a person alive that wasn’t a bit weird, and anyone who says they ain’t is kidding themselves. How’s that song you like go again?”

“‘You’re no dif-’ It’s not the same, though.”

“Look, Ed.” Wayne sighs. “You were never good at hiding how you were different, and that ain’t a bad thing, but it means you’ve gotta find people who’ll stick to you anyway.”

“I know. It’s not his fault, though. That I’m hard to stick to.”

“You ain’t, though,” Wayne says. “You know this kind of thing ain’t easy, even if it’s just your time isn’t matched up to his.”

“I just don’t think he’s ever gonna leave, and I can’t - I can’t stay here. I can’t be like this anymore.”

“So do what you’ve gotta do, and tell them what it is and why. Give them a path to follow you down, if they’re ever ready.”

Eddie takes a shaky breath - he doesn’t know when it got so hard to breathe, but it’s starting to get better. 

“Okay. I. I’ll call tomorrow?” He looks at Wayne’s hand, curled loosely over his uncle’s knee. It’s as close to Wayne’s face as he can get his eyes to go.

“Sounds good, Ed. I’ll start looking into a transfer - nothing permanent, if you change your mind, but I know you’re not like to bring it up if you’re not serious, so just get your end of things worked out and I’ll get mine.” 

“Thank you. I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m sorry I’m not easier.” Wayne is quiet for a moment.

“Don’t be sorry, kid. You being miserable isn’t easier.” He taps between Eddie’s shoulders again, then gets up. “I think it’s breakfast time, anyway. Eggs good?” Eddie nods, but Wayne is already on his way to the kitchen.

~~~

The next day he calls around - the guys in the band first, always. Then Steve, before he talks to Robin or Nancy or the kids. The conversations are all short, but he knows it’ll be a couple weeks before Ray can get Wayne set up at his cousin’s plant out of state, so there’s time.

“You know I l- care about you, Eds. Eddie.”

“I know. I don’t wanna not be with you, I just can’t keep living like this. And I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to leave.”

“I’m just not ready yet. When the kids graduate, I’ll think about it.”

“That’s the problem, Stevie.” Eddie feels - not numb, but distant. Like someone turned a key and his thoughts are flowing in order and he has the words for them, and he has to say them even when it feels like the worst thing he’s ever said. “You’re not even thinking about an after, and all I have is an after. The only thing I have waiting for me in Hawkins is hiding everything about myself until I suffocate.”

“I’m in Hawkins. And the kids,” Steve says. He would sound controlled to anyone else, but as always, Eddie knows his tells, and he’s breaking.

“I love you, but I can’t hide forever. And you might be able to, if you want to, but you shouldn’t have to either. We’re not going far - Wayne’s getting a job in Pittsburgh, I think. Right on the way to Robin’s, if you wanna visit.” Steve gulps, and Eddie gets the abrupt sense that Steve thinks he’s lying. “I - I mean that, really. I’m not gonna promise I’ll wait for you, not forever, but I’m not exactly gonna get over you, you know?”

“You love me?”

“I do, yeah,” Eddie says.

“But you’re leaving.”

“I’m gonna die here, Steve, even if I don’t get burned at the stake. It’s not - I’m not me, anymore, and I can’t keep pretending, and it’s not just how I dress or whatever. I know I’m not normal, but it’s not a choice any more than being a queer is, so I’ll get you my new number, and when - if - you’re ready, I’ll pick up.”

“Okay. I’m sorry.”

“Me too.”

~~~

Two weeks later, the last Munsons in Hawkins pack up and leave.

read on ao3

[erytherion]

To anyone who needs to hear it because they don’t believe it’s possible:

I would read the story of your life, as you are now and as you have been.

I may not read it perfectly, or fast, and I might read lots of other things at the same time. I might not even like the writing in it, or the events that take place in it (especially if they are sad), but I would pick it up and I would read it.

Your stories deserve attention too. It is good to share them, in whatever pieces you can manage.