#screaming into the void tonight

[polyacrylamidepensieve]

Today I was at work late because I needed results / data to come out the flow cytometry lab to figure out how to work up two different patient cases, and if I didnt order the right stains by 6 pm the patients’ cases wouldn’t be resolved until after the long holiday weekend. Because of the timing of pathology. And the lab techs were super sweet and pushed those two cases out for me first simply because they like me. And I helped them resolve a specimen swap mistake a few weeks ago.

Anyway that’s not the point. What happened was, I was sitting at my desk worrying and working and the janitor girl saw I was alone. She came up to me and said, I hate to bother you but… do you have any insight on lupus? I just got diagnosed.

I had about fifteen other patients swirling around in my head. I had half an hour to interpret the data correctly, double check with my attending, and order the stains.

Her question was so out of the blue - normally all the janitors and I say to each other is “thank you” and “you’re welcome” or “good morning”

I didn’t manage to do more than blink at her, pull up uptodate (“doctor google”), print out three articles on lupus diagnosis, treatment, etiology, etc, and ask her to get them from the printer because I was truly that dead tired. I pointed her in the right direction toward the printer. She thanked me on her way out a few minutes later. I completely forgot that any of this happened until literally just now when it hit me, four hours later in bed.

Fuck. Is this what it’s come to? Being too burned out and busy and exhausted to actually stop for a second and hear a person’s story and explain their situation to them in spoken words, with compassion? I gave her only a handful of kind words. I used to have so many. I don’t have any idea if she’s going to understand the articles whatsoever. I’d never seen her before, she wasn’t one of the usual janitors.

What is happening to me. I am barely functioning this week. My attending is horrific. Worse than my mom, but similar in so many ways that I’m constantly triggered. I can see she has ADHD signs and symptoms like I do, but can’t talk to her about it bc she’s old school and likely to respond poorly. she’s rude, constantly expecting too much of everyone else, slow, and her overwhelming anxiety is mostly expressed via shouting at and belittling everyone with “this won’t fly” and “why did this happen? Who did this” when anything goes wrong. We’ve had over 20 marrows four days in a row, which is busier than any other week so far, marrows-wise. I’m just trying to survive. Am on call for two weeks straight (which is a duty hour violation), even though my PD is getting actively yelled at for duty hour violations by the ACGME. I just. Completely forgot about this human interaction. It just fell out of my head as it was happening. I mean. I know I’m dissociating but fuck.

[cellephane]

time floats by in the blink of an eye. you take one step back, and there goes five :||||

[shysheeperz]

I'm tired.

[rillils]

idk why I never thought about it, but if we're assuming that this

is the brochure Bucky got at the Smithsonian in 2014, that must mean that he held on to it for two whole years. possibly carrying it in his pocket at first (you can sort of see the marks where it was originally folded), then carefully straightening it and smoothing out the inevitable little crinkles, with a tenderness he'd long forgotten he was even capable of.

moving it from journal to journal as he went through them, so he wouldn't risk losing it.

using it as a bookmark, so it would be the first thing he saw every time he flipped his journal open.

maybe tracing Steve's familiar face with his fingertips, with the odd but unfaltering certainty that he used to know what that felt like. that the memory must be somewhere in the back of his mind still, waiting to be unlocked like a treasure chest.

recalling how, during the war, he'd wished he could have carried a picture of his sweetheart on him like all the other guys did. how he'd wished he could see Steve's face every day, just for something good to hold on to, to keep him going when he felt every last shred of hope slip away from him.

and how, when Steve appeared with his new body and his old recklessness, all too eager to throw himself into battle, Bucky had learned what people meant when they said be careful what you wish for.

just. the notion of Bucky taking this fragile piece of paper in the first place, and then deciding to keep it, and then going out of his way to make sure it wouldn't tear, deliberately keeping it close at hand, cherishing it like it was his most prized possession– yeah no I need a moment

[peaches2217]

EVERYBODY LISTEN UP THIS IS IMPORTANT

A COUPLE CAME THROUGH OUR HAUNTED TRAIL DRESSED AS MARIO AND PEACH

AND THEY HAD A BABY DRESSED AS A YOSHI

I AM WEEPING IT WAS SO CUTE

[distant-screaming]

the fact that q falls in love with toey twice without knowing, and the fact that toey falls in love so hard all at once that he never falters from it?? the fact that it's always toey that q likes and it's always q that toey likes. it's just. insane. absolutely sick and twisted and insane.

[whumpshaped]

make!! ur whumpee!! feel little and stupid!!! patronise them!!! be sarcastic and condescending to them!!! coo at them and praise them for the simplest things!!! in fact only ever give them stupidly simple tasks and force them to do said tasks and act like it must be super hard for them!!! never ever give them proper enrichment or stimuli so that they cant keep up their original level of smarts and wit!!! chip away at their brain until they rly do get a little dumb!!! knock on their stupid empty head often and remark how hollow it sounds!!! not a thought in there!!!

[a-side-character]

I'm sure we're all aware by now that FilmCow continues to be a master of surreal/bizarre videos with deeper meanings, but I'm still thinking about the Llamas with Hats Epilogue.

Specifically, about that first video-within-a-video that plays in the beginning. Because, unless I'm mistaken (and bear in mind I haven't read the babies book so maybe that disproves this), that seems to be the first time this has happened, or at least the first time Carl was caught.

I mean, just look at the dialogue here:

Carl: "I don't like the accusatory tones in your voice."

Paul: "I'm, not accusing you of anything."

Carl: "I'm a pillar of the community. And a known philanthropist."

Paul: "I know Carl, I just don't understand how a human hand ended up on our floor."

I know tumblr users are notoriously bamboozled by things like this (piss on the poor website and everything), but to my ears Paul does seem genuinely confused here. He's NOT accusing Carl of anything, not like he does in the other episodes. He doesn't go into the conversation knowing that Carl was the one who did it. There's just a severed hand on the floor, and he's doing all he can to wrap his head around why that would be (even going so far as to "retrace his steps"! He's confused and genuinely looking to Carl for explanation and support!)

This is further evidenced by their later exchanges, once it's been revealed that Carl was indeed responsible.

Paul: This is terrible, Carl

Carl: I can see now that I acted without knowing all the facts.

Paul: I just... I can't belive you're capable of such a thing

Carl: It was a confused moment. Tensions were high

Paul: I don't know, Carl

Carl: I'm just as much as victim as anybody

Paul: I'd like to belive that...

That doesn't read to me like the interactions we've seen from them before. Paul is disgusted and upset by what happened, of course, but he's also upset at the fact that it was Carl who did it. He doesn't want to belive that his partner ("romantic friendship" and all) could be capable of such a thing.

I think this moment - this first time of shock and beratement by Paul - is the high that Carl is chasing every time he does something like this. Only, like any addict, he keeps needing to up the ante in order to feel it, and it'll never quite feel like it did the first time. And, every time he does it, he pushes Paul further and further away.

[rainbluealoekitten]

being pagan is awesome because sometimes you're doing elaborate rituals with blood offerings to a being who might be older than earth, and then the rest of the time you could be trying to convince your ancestors that they could have cider offerings if they ✨ do their thing ✨ to get you some

[regardstosoulandromance]

I love you community theater. I love you local farmers markets. I love you public libraries. I love you small business coffee shops.

[park-jimin-isnt-real]

So.

It's been a year and a half.

Do we still want the next chapter of Edge of Tonight? Like, is anyone still reading and waiting for the next update?

Cause it's done. I just don't know if it's wanted.

[shsl-analyzer-guy]

Sorry I just can't get over the fact that Ultra Despair GIRLS just had its 10 year anniversary and we got an anniversary figure for fucking. Nagito Komaeda. Not Komaru. Not Toko. Not Syo. Not Monaca or Kotoko or Hiroko. Nagito Komaeda. The guy with the most released figures of all the Danganronpa characters (Monokuma excluded ofc). Nagito Komaeda.

I like Nagito. I'd say I love Nagito. The best antagonist this series has had. But being the ONLY character to get a new figure for the 10 year anniversary over the female protagonist, the female deuteragonist, the female mastermind? For Ultra Despair GIRLS? Pathetic.

[shummthechumm]

bluestar...does not feel like the type to be a diehard code follower in starclan. not like how they wrote yellowfang.

[peaches2217]

So, uh… tonight was cathartic as hell. Remember how I was raised in a church that became a cult and how it’s left me with thirteen metric tons of religious trauma, which I’ve only recently been able to start working through?

Tonight, I did something I’ve wanted to do for a very long time: I went back one last time to say goodbye.

We had a Blue Christmas service this evening at my church. I planned to attend just because it seemed like it would be peaceful, but it ended up opening my eyes to a loooooot of pain and grief I’m still holding onto. Today was the church I was raised in’s annual candlelight communion service in honor of Christmas. My whole family was there, except for me. I invited them to the Blue Christmas service and our own candlelight communion this coming Tuesday, and they rejected the offers, just as they’ve rejected every other invitation I’ve extended to them. My dad always said he wanted nothing more than for me to seek God with my whole heart, and now I’m finally in a place where I feel safe enough that I can… and it’s driven a wedge between us, because he’s convinced God could never reveal Himself to me so long as I’m openly and unrepentantly trans. This isn’t the first Christmas I haven’t gone to church with him, but it’s the first Christmas I’ve spent in church alone, and I didn’t realize until tonight how heavy my heart is as a result.

I ended up planting myself at the alter and just praying for a good twenty minutes after the service proper ended. There wasn’t any divine revelation, I just gave up all my fears and concerns and sorrows. About halfway through I felt a hand on my shoulder, and it stayed there until I finally got back up. It was one of my pastors, and he prayed with me until I was done; he offered me a hug and told me quietly that “God delights in you,” and that, no matter what I face, I won’t have to face it alone; God is always with me, and he and his wife (who’s the head pastor) will always welcome me. Talk about not even knowing what you needed to hear until you hear it. I was choking up. 😆

I sat outside and watched the stars for a bit because I just… didn’t wanna go home. I never do when I’m at church. I felt like there was more that needed to be done or experienced. Ultimately I decided to drive around for a little bit and just let my thoughts run wild. And as luck would have it, the path I chose took me past the church I was raised in… which was completely abandoned. They usually have evening service, but since it’s the last Sunday before Christmas, no service tonight.

I’m not really sure what compelled me to pull in, much less to get out of my car. But I did, and then my feet just started moving, and once I started, I didn’t wanna stop.

I visited as many places as I could without access to the inside of the church and just remembered. “This is the door that led to my dad’s Divorce Care class. I’d always poke my head in on Wednesday nights to see if I could nab some candy from the crystal bowl.” “This is where the swing set used to be. I’d play sick so I could swing instead of having to sit through sermons. Lots of lectures happened here.” “This is the AC unit I hid behind one of the last times I attended a service here. I hid here and cried and prayed someone would find me there and assure me I wasn’t as alone as I felt. No one did.”

Once I finished circling the outside of the church, I stood on the bridge overlooking the fish pond in front for a bit, because that was one of my favorite places to linger growing up. The rocks, the planks, everything was exactly how I remembered them. Then I waved at the nearest security camera, hopped back in my car, and pulled away. It seems kinda silly recounting it now, but I thanked the church and said “goodbye” out loud, then I was off down the road and I didn’t look back.

I don’t know if this will actually be helpful in the long run or if it truly gave me lasting closure. But for tonight, there’s peace. I’ve said my goodbyes on my own terms, and now I’m moving ahead, and for tonight at least, that’s enough.

(I also got this cool picture of one of the crosses on the side of the church. A cult it may be, but it’s a well-decorated cult. 😂)

[sevensoulmates]

I always make a point to listen very closely to what the lyrics are saying in the music over certain scenes because 911 is ANYTHING but subtle when it comes to their music choices.

The song that's playing during the montage of Eddie trying and failing to make a connection with women while golfing/hiking is interesting.

"I got High hopes, high hopes , That tomorrow's where it all begins , I'll be somebody's daughter , I'll be somebody's friend , I'll be somebody's part-time lover again , Chased by the devil down a one-way street , Made it out alive , Now I'm back on my feet , I got high hopes"

These lyrics are so interesting to me because it's once again placing Eddie only in relation to who he can be to other people. A son, a friend, a father. Never just him.

But what also stood out to me was the lines "somebody's part-time lover again" and "chased by the devil down a one-way street".

I googled both these phrases and didn't really find much "official" meaning.

But to me "somebody's part-time lover" really does encapsulate how all of Eddie's romantic relationships on the show have been. You see bits and pieces of it, flashes, like his romantic relationships are a sideplot in his own life. I also took it to mean feeling half-hearted about a relationship you're in too. Like how with Ana he was going through the motions, like how in this very montage he's forcing himself once again to go through the motions of trying to force a meet-cute, like he will once again with Marisol by the end of the season. Marisol once again feels like something shoehorned, something forced, someone for Eddie to be another "part-time lover" to.

The other line "chased by the devil down a one-way street" to me, indicates running from a supposed "devil" (ie. something you believe to be 'bad'), repressing something 'wrong' about yourself that you refuse to acknowledge. And the "one way street" to me indicates an illusion of only being able to go in one direction, feeling like you can only be able to take one path, and why does he run as fast as he can down this one-way street? Because's he running from the "devil", the thing he's repressing, the thing he won't let himself acknowledge. Because, Eddie, you're running. You're not in a car. You can choose to turn around and walk in the other direction, you just refuse to face this illusionary "devil".

Even the portion of the song that we're supposed to be paying attention to, the "high hopes" part, feels off. Because high hopes usually lead to what? Disappointment. "High Hopes" are expectations, literally. By the end of this montage every one of his "hopes" are dashed. Eddie has these expectations for himself that he wants to live up to, but when he can't, he'll just feel more disappointed. He'll have these high hopes about a relationship with Marisol only to be let down because he thinks he'll develop this deep, amazing connection with her but more than likely he just won't because those kinds of relationships DO NOT (I emphasize again they DO NOT) happen that quickly looking at you Evan "she sees me better than anyone after 1 date" Buckley.

It's just interesting that the song that's supposed to represent Eddie really moving on and being open to love and putting himself out there centers on only who the person is in relation to others, half-hearted romantic relationships, and running from something repressed.

[distant-screaming]

the way ghost trick sets up a pattern and then immediately breaks it is incredible I love it. first stage and the phone line is dead already!!!