#screaming into the void tonight

[polyacrylamidepensieve]

Today I was at work late because I needed results / data to come out the flow cytometry lab to figure out how to work up two different patient cases, and if I didnt order the right stains by 6 pm the patients’ cases wouldn’t be resolved until after the long holiday weekend. Because of the timing of pathology. And the lab techs were super sweet and pushed those two cases out for me first simply because they like me. And I helped them resolve a specimen swap mistake a few weeks ago.

Anyway that’s not the point. What happened was, I was sitting at my desk worrying and working and the janitor girl saw I was alone. She came up to me and said, I hate to bother you but… do you have any insight on lupus? I just got diagnosed.

I had about fifteen other patients swirling around in my head. I had half an hour to interpret the data correctly, double check with my attending, and order the stains.

Her question was so out of the blue - normally all the janitors and I say to each other is “thank you” and “you’re welcome” or “good morning”

I didn’t manage to do more than blink at her, pull up uptodate (“doctor google”), print out three articles on lupus diagnosis, treatment, etiology, etc, and ask her to get them from the printer because I was truly that dead tired. I pointed her in the right direction toward the printer. She thanked me on her way out a few minutes later. I completely forgot that any of this happened until literally just now when it hit me, four hours later in bed.

Fuck. Is this what it’s come to? Being too burned out and busy and exhausted to actually stop for a second and hear a person’s story and explain their situation to them in spoken words, with compassion? I gave her only a handful of kind words. I used to have so many. I don’t have any idea if she’s going to understand the articles whatsoever. I’d never seen her before, she wasn’t one of the usual janitors.

What is happening to me. I am barely functioning this week. My attending is horrific. Worse than my mom, but similar in so many ways that I’m constantly triggered. I can see she has ADHD signs and symptoms like I do, but can’t talk to her about it bc she’s old school and likely to respond poorly. she’s rude, constantly expecting too much of everyone else, slow, and her overwhelming anxiety is mostly expressed via shouting at and belittling everyone with “this won’t fly” and “why did this happen? Who did this” when anything goes wrong. We’ve had over 20 marrows four days in a row, which is busier than any other week so far, marrows-wise. I’m just trying to survive. Am on call for two weeks straight (which is a duty hour violation), even though my PD is getting actively yelled at for duty hour violations by the ACGME. I just. Completely forgot about this human interaction. It just fell out of my head as it was happening. I mean. I know I’m dissociating but fuck.

[cellephane]

time floats by in the blink of an eye. you take one step back, and there goes five :||||

[rillils]

idk why I never thought about it, but if we're assuming that this

is the brochure Bucky got at the Smithsonian in 2014, that must mean that he held on to it for two whole years. possibly carrying it in his pocket at first (you can sort of see the marks where it was originally folded), then carefully straightening it and smoothing out the inevitable little crinkles, with a tenderness he'd long forgotten he was even capable of.

moving it from journal to journal as he went through them, so he wouldn't risk losing it.

using it as a bookmark, so it would be the first thing he saw every time he flipped his journal open.

maybe tracing Steve's familiar face with his fingertips, with the odd but unfaltering certainty that he used to know what that felt like. that the memory must be somewhere in the back of his mind still, waiting to be unlocked like a treasure chest.

recalling how, during the war, he'd wished he could have carried a picture of his sweetheart on him like all the other guys did. how he'd wished he could see Steve's face every day, just for something good to hold on to, to keep him going when he felt every last shred of hope slip away from him.

and how, when Steve appeared with his new body and his old recklessness, all too eager to throw himself into battle, Bucky had learned what people meant when they said be careful what you wish for.

just. the notion of Bucky taking this fragile piece of paper in the first place, and then deciding to keep it, and then going out of his way to make sure it wouldn't tear, deliberately keeping it close at hand, cherishing it like it was his most prized possession– yeah no I need a moment

[peaches2217]

EVERYBODY LISTEN UP THIS IS IMPORTANT

A COUPLE CAME THROUGH OUR HAUNTED TRAIL DRESSED AS MARIO AND PEACH

AND THEY HAD A BABY DRESSED AS A YOSHI

I AM WEEPING IT WAS SO CUTE

[distant-screaming]

the fact that q falls in love with toey twice without knowing, and the fact that toey falls in love so hard all at once that he never falters from it?? the fact that it's always toey that q likes and it's always q that toey likes. it's just. insane. absolutely sick and twisted and insane.

[a-side-character]

I'm sure we're all aware by now that FilmCow continues to be a master of surreal/bizarre videos with deeper meanings, but I'm still thinking about the Llamas with Hats Epilogue.

Specifically, about that first video-within-a-video that plays in the beginning. Because, unless I'm mistaken (and bear in mind I haven't read the babies book so maybe that disproves this), that seems to be the first time this has happened, or at least the first time Carl was caught.

I mean, just look at the dialogue here:

Carl: "I don't like the accusatory tones in your voice."

Paul: "I'm, not accusing you of anything."

Carl: "I'm a pillar of the community. And a known philanthropist."

Paul: "I know Carl, I just don't understand how a human hand ended up on our floor."

I know tumblr users are notoriously bamboozled by things like this (piss on the poor website and everything), but to my ears Paul does seem genuinely confused here. He's NOT accusing Carl of anything, not like he does in the other episodes. He doesn't go into the conversation knowing that Carl was the one who did it. There's just a severed hand on the floor, and he's doing all he can to wrap his head around why that would be (even going so far as to "retrace his steps"! He's confused and genuinely looking to Carl for explanation and support!)

This is further evidenced by their later exchanges, once it's been revealed that Carl was indeed responsible.

Paul: This is terrible, Carl

Carl: I can see now that I acted without knowing all the facts.

Paul: I just... I can't belive you're capable of such a thing

Carl: It was a confused moment. Tensions were high

Paul: I don't know, Carl

Carl: I'm just as much as victim as anybody

Paul: I'd like to belive that...

That doesn't read to me like the interactions we've seen from them before. Paul is disgusted and upset by what happened, of course, but he's also upset at the fact that it was Carl who did it. He doesn't want to belive that his partner ("romantic friendship" and all) could be capable of such a thing.

I think this moment - this first time of shock and beratement by Paul - is the high that Carl is chasing every time he does something like this. Only, like any addict, he keeps needing to up the ante in order to feel it, and it'll never quite feel like it did the first time. And, every time he does it, he pushes Paul further and further away.

[rainbluealoekitten]

being pagan is awesome because sometimes you're doing elaborate rituals with blood offerings to a being who might be older than earth, and then the rest of the time you could be trying to convince your ancestors that they could have cider offerings if they ✨ do their thing ✨ to get you some

[regardstosoulandromance]

I love you community theater. I love you local farmers markets. I love you public libraries. I love you small business coffee shops.

[luciddreamingstuff]

So if you're like me, you were a tiktok resident for a time. And tonight, I stayed until I couldn't, I watched the app die. Folks will tell me it's just an app, but it was more than that, it's what surrounded it, the people there. I am not okay, I won't be okay for the next few days imma be honest. Though I keep telling myself that we don't know the future holds. Whatever happens, I know the world will continue to spin. But I suppose it's going to hurt for a bit. Even then, I'm dreading going to sleep tonight. Who knows what the future holds, right?

[isaacthedruid]

I WAS BUSY AND DIDNT GET TO WATCH BAND OF BROTHERS LAST NIGHT SOOO DO I WATCH TWO EPISODES TONIGHT??? 👀

[park-jimin-isnt-real]

So.

It's been a year and a half.

Do we still want the next chapter of Edge of Tonight? Like, is anyone still reading and waiting for the next update?

Cause it's done. I just don't know if it's wanted.

[arrowheadedbitch]

There was this one time not long after my Papaw (grandfather) died that I was visiting my dad and he was my ride home.

So, I asked him if we could stop by my Mamaw's (grandmother, wife of dead grandfather) and he said of course

So we went to her house and I remember we were all three of us sitting at her kitchen counter talking.

It was very pleasant, but at some point she brought up religion and politics, all that uncomfortable stuff, and while I forgot most of what went on, there was this one moment that I've never been able to forget.

My mamaw was giving my dad a hard time about "not being Christian enough" and I'll never forget the way she told him how dissapointed his father, my papaw, must be in him from Heaven.

I remember watching my father's face fall, I remember seeing the heart in his eyes, I remember wanting to say something, to stand up for him against this horrible awful thing my grandmother had just said to his face, but I was too shocked to say anything, and by the time I regained my composure it had been far too long to.

I had never thought my mamaw was capable of something so cruel before that, she had always been so nice. And yes, I know, she was grieving her husband of over forty years, but that did not give her the right to talk to her son, to MY DAD, like that. To use his dad's death against him like that.

I remember laying awake all night that night thinking about it, rehearsing what I would have said if I could have regained my composure faster.

It haunted me for days after it happened, and it still haunts me on occasion to this day even though I can't even remember her exact words anymore, I can't even remember what she said just how cruel it had been.

I still wish I had said something, had stood up for my dad, had thrown the Bible back in her face, had gently but firmly pointed out that Papaw wouldn't approve of his memory being used like this, called her actions cruel, told her I knew she was better than this, but I didn't say any of this. I just thought it real hard.

And who could blame me? I was preoccupied with my vision of her I'd had my whole life completely shattering before my eyes.

[peaches2217]

The good news:

Snow!!! We never see snow here 🥹

The bad news: the electricity is out.

The good news: my camper runs on propane heat and the lights are hooked to a central battery, so as long as I use the smaller lights sparingly, we’ll have both heat and light until the issue gets resolved.

The bad news:

Binx will not stop screaming. He wants me to open his window. He does not understand why his cruel famther will not open his favorite window.

SON.

[shsl-analyzer-guy]

Sorry I just can't get over the fact that Ultra Despair GIRLS just had its 10 year anniversary and we got an anniversary figure for fucking. Nagito Komaeda. Not Komaru. Not Toko. Not Syo. Not Monaca or Kotoko or Hiroko. Nagito Komaeda. The guy with the most released figures of all the Danganronpa characters (Monokuma excluded ofc). Nagito Komaeda.

I like Nagito. I'd say I love Nagito. The best antagonist this series has had. But being the ONLY character to get a new figure for the 10 year anniversary over the female protagonist, the female deuteragonist, the female mastermind? For Ultra Despair GIRLS? Pathetic.

[shummthechumm]

bluestar...does not feel like the type to be a diehard code follower in starclan. not like how they wrote yellowfang.

[sevensoulmates]

I always make a point to listen very closely to what the lyrics are saying in the music over certain scenes because 911 is ANYTHING but subtle when it comes to their music choices.

The song that's playing during the montage of Eddie trying and failing to make a connection with women while golfing/hiking is interesting.

"I got High hopes, high hopes , That tomorrow's where it all begins , I'll be somebody's daughter , I'll be somebody's friend , I'll be somebody's part-time lover again , Chased by the devil down a one-way street , Made it out alive , Now I'm back on my feet , I got high hopes"

These lyrics are so interesting to me because it's once again placing Eddie only in relation to who he can be to other people. A son, a friend, a father. Never just him.

But what also stood out to me was the lines "somebody's part-time lover again" and "chased by the devil down a one-way street".

I googled both these phrases and didn't really find much "official" meaning.

But to me "somebody's part-time lover" really does encapsulate how all of Eddie's romantic relationships on the show have been. You see bits and pieces of it, flashes, like his romantic relationships are a sideplot in his own life. I also took it to mean feeling half-hearted about a relationship you're in too. Like how with Ana he was going through the motions, like how in this very montage he's forcing himself once again to go through the motions of trying to force a meet-cute, like he will once again with Marisol by the end of the season. Marisol once again feels like something shoehorned, something forced, someone for Eddie to be another "part-time lover" to.

The other line "chased by the devil down a one-way street" to me, indicates running from a supposed "devil" (ie. something you believe to be 'bad'), repressing something 'wrong' about yourself that you refuse to acknowledge. And the "one way street" to me indicates an illusion of only being able to go in one direction, feeling like you can only be able to take one path, and why does he run as fast as he can down this one-way street? Because's he running from the "devil", the thing he's repressing, the thing he won't let himself acknowledge. Because, Eddie, you're running. You're not in a car. You can choose to turn around and walk in the other direction, you just refuse to face this illusionary "devil".

Even the portion of the song that we're supposed to be paying attention to, the "high hopes" part, feels off. Because high hopes usually lead to what? Disappointment. "High Hopes" are expectations, literally. By the end of this montage every one of his "hopes" are dashed. Eddie has these expectations for himself that he wants to live up to, but when he can't, he'll just feel more disappointed. He'll have these high hopes about a relationship with Marisol only to be let down because he thinks he'll develop this deep, amazing connection with her but more than likely he just won't because those kinds of relationships DO NOT (I emphasize again they DO NOT) happen that quickly looking at you Evan "she sees me better than anyone after 1 date" Buckley.

It's just interesting that the song that's supposed to represent Eddie really moving on and being open to love and putting himself out there centers on only who the person is in relation to others, half-hearted romantic relationships, and running from something repressed.