#school is just stressing me the fuck out since i started to fail math (I'm not anymore tho. I have a c-)

[yourlocalsonia2]

Tbh I would have such a better time in school if I wasn't forced to take a spanish class that erased my study period (i used to be a A's and B student but now I have 3 c's, 2 b's and only 1 A)

[iluvmegantheestallion]

Cigarettes

(This story is inspired by another writer @scaredofbrits)

Summary: You've been a good girl all your life. Never party, did drugs, have sex, drink alcohol, or smoke until now. You tried smoking until your boss caught you, but instead of firing you, he joined you and taught you how to smoke.

Living in this small town has it perks. Y/n did not like staying here since her parents decided to move here, but you didn't complain. You worked at Freddy fazebear's pizzeria. You do enjoy working, fixing the busted games, and smelling the greasy pizza. Y/n only worked here to save up some money so she can leave this town and enjoy her life. Y/n is best friends with Michael.

Y/n first met Michael in school. He was a popular kid, and you'd see him in your math and science class. He's been suspended a lot. You first got a chance to talk to him when you first became a tutor for him since he was failing his classes. You helped with work, and he started to actually understand, and his grades went up, and that's when you guys became best friends.

You were walking with Michael, and he couldn't be more thankful for you helping him with his homework. "Thanks y/n for helping me, I couldn't do this without you, seriously." Michael looked at y/n sincerely as he smiled at her. "No problem, anything for a friend." Y/n smiles back at him. Y/n saw Michael reached inside his Jean pockets and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He took one cigarette, and he looked back at you. "You want one?" Michael asked. Your goody two shoes mind would clearly say 'no', but you somehow wanted to say yes. "Uhhm, no, thank you." Y/n said, passing on the offer. "Suit yourself." Michael shrugged, nonchalantly placing the cigarette between his lips as he took out his lighter lighting the end of the cigarette.

Y/n stared at intriguingly as he huffed the smoke out. Y/n seen her mom smoked in the house whenever she was stressed about something. "You're missing out, y/n. This shit is relaxing." Michael smirked at y/n as he continued smoking. "Uhhm, trust me, I'm fine." Y/n said back as they continued walking.

Y/n looked down at her watch, and she was late, and she had to go back to work. "Oh shoot, I have to go, I'll see you later, Michael." Y/n says as she hugged him goodbye as she walked away.

Y/n urgently rushed inside the pizzeria. "You're late, y/n." One of her colleagues said to her. "I know I lost track of time -" "Chill out, y/n I was just kidding, I don't think they care. You've been employed of the month, I don't think they give a fuck if you're since your Mr. Afton's favorite." Y/n's coworker said to her they cleaned the messy tables.

"Why do you think I'm his favorite?" Y/n asked curiosity getting the best of her.

"Well, you listen to the rules. You're a workaholic. You fixed the games, and he's never rude to you like he is with the rest of us." Y/n's coworker said to y/n blandly, not focusing on her.

Y/n never knew she was Mr. afton's favorite. He does seem a bit less intense when he was around y/n. He pays her very fairly, and he congratulates y/n whenever she does a good job at fixing the games for the kids, works overtime, and covers other people's shifts.

"I know this may sound crazy but do you have a pack of cigarettes and a lighter?" Y/n as her coworker looks back at y/n surprised with a little smirk on her face.

" Is Miss Goody two shoes asking to smoke?" Y/n's coworker jokes as she rolls her eyes. "Look, I know I'm uptight and never do what teenagers do, but I wanna see what it's like." Y/n answers back. "Ok, fine, but on one condition." Y/n's coworker says smirking, knowing they want something. "You have to cover my shift while I'm gone, I'm going to a party and I don't wanna stay here." Y/n's coworker explains. "Deal." Y/n says as they shake hands with each other. The coworker looks around as they hand y/n the lighter and pack of cigarettes. "Knock yourself out, princess." Y/n's coworker says as they give y/n the rag and walks out of Freddy's.

Y/n has been cleaning, fixing the game, and making sure the kids don't get too close to the animatronics. Y/n checks her watch and decides to take a little break. Y/n went to a secluded room, Michael told her that this was his favorite place to smoke in. "Cmon y/n you can do this, stop being a chicken." Y/n told herself. Y/n pulls out the pack of cigarettes as she puts them between her lips. Y/n started to think about how Michael smoked. Y/n pulls out the lighter and closely puts it at the end of the cigarette, but she is interrupted.

Y/n was startled as the door flinged open as she knew who it was. Mr. Afton. Y/n urgently places the lighter in her pocket and the cigarette in her hand and hides it behind her back.

"I've never knew you were a smoker y/n? You don't seem like a girl to do that?" William says camly making y/n a bit nervous.

"I wasn't smoking?" Y/n lies as William chuckles.

"Oh love, I'm not blind I saw you." William smirks, coming his way over to y/n.

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Afton, please don't fire me. I just wanted to try. And how it feels like -" y/n was rambling as her heart started racing but William cuts her off.

"Nonsene darling, I just came here for a smoke break myself. It gets tiring running this establishment." William told y/n as he comes closer to her.

"I see you wanted to learn how to smoke, I can teach you if you like." William smiles. Y/n felt a bit weird about this situation since her boss was teaching her how to smoke, but she was Willing to learn.

"Don't be afraid, darling. I don't bite." His whispered as he smirked. Y/n nodded her head as William smiles at her.

Y/n places the cigarette between her lips as William lights it. "Take your time, darling. Inhale and let it out." William explains as y/n follows his exact words.

Y/n inhales the smoke as she lets it out all out. Y/n coughed a little bit, but it was actually quite fun. "There you go, darling. Now you're getting a hand of it." William congratulates. "This quite relaxing, actually." Y/n smiles as she continues smoking.

William pulls out a pack of his own cigarettes and puts in between his lips. "May I borrow your lighter, darling." William asks his soft British accent, rolling off his tongue so perfectly. You give him the lighter as he lights his cigarette as he inhales the smoke and lets it out.

"Come closer y/n, I want to show you something cool, sweetheart." William says as he smokes but holds it in his mouth.

Y/n comes closer to William as they look like they were gonna kiss. Making y/n have butterflies in her stomach. The two of you connected your lips together, and the smoke went into your mouth as you both didn't take your eyes off of each other. William chuckles as he inhales and blew it out. You both started smiling, which turned to laughter.

"This was really fun, but I have to get back to work, darling." William says making y/n frown, but William notices.

"Don't be sad, darling. we can still do this again." William holds your face into his hands. Y/n smiles as he looks at William.

"This will be our little secret." William says as he kisses the tip of your nose as he smirks at your flushed face. William walks towards the door, winking at you, leaving you alone in your room.

Y/n smiles to herself as she continues smoking, and she smells the strong and toxic smell that fills the dim light room. I guess y/n isn't goody two shoes after all.

[papilongsocks]

Robin Arellano x FEM!reader pt.3

tags: alternate universe, AU, (soon) fluff, time-skips, flashbacks , confessions, fighting, heartbreak, angst, past trauma?, mentions of alcohol. (swear warning!!) (i also have no idea how US schools work so sorry in advance if somethings completely wrong-😭)

description: you moved from your old home town after your father had passed. your life back there wasn't the greatest and you had moved to Denver to "start over". you begin to fall slowly for robin. hanging out regularly, and patching him up after fights. (no grabber - only use of the characters!!)

i think about a week has passed since i started at my new school and I'm already sick of everything. Brandon would come home drunk as fuck, and take all his stress out on my mom and occasionally me. I don't know why he started drinking again. he made it very clear he was an ex-alcoholic before dating my mother, and now suddenly hes back to his bad habits?. and on top of that, my maths teacher hates my guts for continuously being late and not focusing during lessons. I've only attended this shit hole for a few weeks! I constantly felt the urge to punch someone again, that someone being Brandon. god he really got on my nerves!

I got off the bus beside Finney and robin, who I had asked to help me with my math notes that both me and robin had been behind on. Finney was more than happy to help the two of us which made us feel just as happy as him. Finney was probably one of the smartest kids in his class—from my perspective—when it came to maths and astronomy. he'd constantly be talking about rockets and stars during break times, whereas Robin on the other hand would always be getting into trouble and failing almost every one of his classes,and talking about his fights. me and him shared the same math class. we both sat on opposite sides of the room which was very annoying since I knew absolutely no one in that class besides him.

as the past week went on I got to know the 4 of them a lot better ( Finney, Robin, Gwen and Donna). I would meet up with them everyday, and on days I shared periods with the boys I'd walk with them too. It's a shame i don't share any classes with the girls, since Donna's also in my year.

today was particularly different tho. after 3rd period me and Finney had been walking together down the hall. I spotted robin walking behind us constantly looking at me and analysing what me and Finney were talking about. he seemed some what jealous?

he was also constantly trying to get my attention and talk to me whenever I tried speaking to someone else at the table. he was definitely jealous. it was kind of adorable actually.

as we approached my house, I pushed open the rusted gate, allowing the two of them to enter through the shitty garden. small crushed flowers sat in rows buried in the mud that wrapped around the whole house. an old broken swing set from the previous owners also sat with tall grass surrounding it. I cringed lowly taking in the imagine of my own filthy front lawn, feeling slightly humiliated.

as I entered the house I heard Finney and Robin whisper something to each other making me feel more anxious. what if they make fun of my room? I hope mom doesn't embarrass me again.

"hi honey",she spoke sounding sort of pissed, from the dining room. I noticed Brandon wasn't sitting there today which took a huge weight off of my chest

"hi mom"., I responded walking forward into the door frame. robin had taken a step forward to get a better view of her.

"oh, hello!",she smiled giving robin a welcoming look when Finney also decided he wanted to have a look too.

"and hello to you too",she repeated the same faces.

"this is, robin, and this is, Finney",I pointed to either one of them

"it's nice to meet you boys. I'm y/ns mother"

I rolled my eyes feeling my feet pull me towards the stairs.

"it's nice to meet you miss... y/ns mom", Finney said seeming to be a little too engaged in the conversation.

"come on Finney",I whisper yelled making robin lightly laugh before following me up the first few stairs

he looked over to us then back to my mom. she said something to him before he started approaching the stairs and walking up behind us. i opened the door to my bedroom and the two of them entered in front of me, looking around and standing awkwardly. I glanced awkwardly too, sitting on my bed before speaking

"you guys can sit", i laughed laying on my stomach.

the two of them began sitting down. robin leaned his back against the end of my bed, and Finney sat cross legged In front of him. I watched over Robin's shoulder inches away from his face. I read his sloppy writing trying to figure out what he was struggling with and needed to copy down.

"uhm what does that say?",I said pointing towards a disfigured looking sentence. my words seemed to startle robin, since he had flinched and quickly looked to his side at my face now directly In front of him. I moved back a little feeling his breath against my lip and began laughing. I noticed him look away quickly, as Finney began snickering too. he wasn't seriously flustered was he?

--

we began finishing up our little lesson. I had gotten a good amount of work done, aside from the fact we were constantly being distracted by robin. he'd have his pen pushed against his top lip and looking at both me and Finn for a reaction. which both of us never showed. it was obvious he was sad about it too. I bet he thought he was hilarious.

"hey y/n, where's your bathroom?",Finney asked standing up

"here I'll show you",I sat up from my spot and walked out of my room and down the hall. I lead him to the bathroom and headed back to my room where robin still was. I huffed loudly plopping on my bed looking at the ceiling.

"maths is such torture!",I groaned ,"like what kind of dumb ass mixes the alphabet with numbers!"

robin laughed. he began talking about how much he hated math too. I couldn't quite tune in on what he was saying, which made me feel sort of guilty.

I heard Finney walking down the hallway to return to our study session.

I looked over to my left and grabbed one of my pillows, hungry for a little action. I threw it directly at him, hitting him in the face before flopping to the floor.

I covered my mouth not expecting to actually hit him, as he stood there with a blank face. robin was holding back a laugh and crawled forward to grab the pillow before Finney could. he hugged it tight as I tried grabbing it out of his hands. he then pulled it strongly to his side, causing me to fall forward off of my bed.

"ah!",i shrieked hitting my head against the floor and rolling forward. both robin and Finney gasped.

"are you okay?",Finney spoke bending down to check on me. I lay on my back holding the back of my head and slightly rolled from side to side.

"you broke her", Finney slightly laughed on his words looking up at an obviously guilty Robin. this wasn't the first time he had hurt me accidentally. like when he punched me a little too hard in the arm when I had asked him to 'beat me up' as a joke and then lectured me about it soon after hardly apologizing. or the time when he decided it was a good idea to trip me up when walking to my next class. a few weeks I've been at this school, and both of my now closest friends have physically beaten me up.

I sat up beginning to laugh the pain off, rubbing the back of my head still

"you really need to control that strength of yours",I hissed looking at Robin

"IM SORRY! I didn't mean to, it's her fault anyways! "

"its your fault, not mine!", i huffed with a small laugh

"what ever", he scoffed looking away

________

robin // pov

I sat in my science class feeling bored out of my mind when something hit my back. a small crumpled up note? I noticed Madeline glancing over at me. This happens regularly. i sighed looking down to the floor and picking the paper up.

"Meet me behind the bathrooms at break , Maddie. xx"

i was too focused on the fact she had better handwriting than me, to realize what she had even said. the paper had a bunch of small hearts around it. I turned again to look at her, she was now smiling with her hands on either side of her face.

"robin. eyes on the board", Mr, said calling me out In front of everyone. I turned back to the front and began scribbling over her note leaning back into my chair.

---

break came a little too quick. Madeline had left the class quickly before everyone else, and went speeding in the direction of the bathrooms. was I really going to follow? I mean I'd feel pretty shit if I didn't. maybe I could find Finney or someone to come with me. no, Id better go myself.. but...never mind, whatever. I started walking down the corridor and towards the outdoor bathrooms. when I arrived outside of them I huffed and began walking behind the building knowing exactly what to expect. I saw Madeline standing there with her arms folded tightly across her chest. she was leaning against the brick wall kicking slightly at the dirt below

"you wanted to see me?",I said tilting my head a little

"hi..robin",she smiled moving slightly closer.

"hi.", I gulped feeling a little uncomfortable.

"I want to tell to you about something..",she moved closer yet again.

I gave her a small confused look, "what?"

"I like you, Robin.", I felt like I took a punch to the stomach. again with the confessions.

"oh..uhm..",I choked moving back a little

"do you like be back?"

"I uh.."

"you don't like me..?",she said with tears forming in her eyes. I felt extremely guilty. I couldn't tell if her tears were genuine or just a part of some sort of act

I just stood there unable to spit up words.

she moved one more step forward and grabbed my hand holding it in her own.

I watched her look deeply into my eyes, as if she was trying to cast a spell on me that seemed to be working

"do you like me?",she spoke again

"yes.",I said before freezing and realising what I had just done. I didn't even mean for that to fall out!

before I could correct myself she lightly pecked my cheek and walked away with a giggle. well fuck.

I entered the cafeteria and sat beside y/n. all I could think about was Madeline.

"you good there Arellano?", y/n said looking at me.

"yep."

"you don't look so good? what's wrong?"

"erm..do you guys remember that Madeline girl in my science class?"

"yeah?"

"I think we're dating now."

I could tell y/n wanted to laugh.

"what! what happened!?",Finney asked eagerly with a smile

"I basically told her I liked her back. and she left before I could say anything else"

y/n started giggling to herself before quickly covering her mouth and continued eating quietly

"I didn't know what else to do!",I huffed ,"her face looked so sad when I didn't answer her, and my words just slipped out"

I noticed her beside her many friends that looked like complete copy's of her sitting at a table in the corner of the lunch room. I banged my head against the table and groaned

"what am I gonna do"

"do you even like her?",Finney asked

"I don't know!"

"so you're dating a girl, you don't even know if you like or not?",Finney asked again.

y/n continued to eat her lunch. she seemed unbothered by anything going around, which made me feel kind of icky, or something?

"yeah, I guess so?"

"good luck with that", y/n spoke finally.

I glared back at Madeline who was now leaving with her arms linked around one of her friends laughing. she left the cafeteria looking back at me, which made me instantly feel a hot sensation on my face.

maybe I do like her?

___________

y/n // pov

when robin came into the cafeteria today telling us all about his new stupid girlfriend, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach the whole time. but I don't know why. usually things like this don't fuck with my feelings negativity. I'm usually super happy finding out people are together. but Madeline and Robin? I don't know.

Madeline's in my chemistry class and she's sort of a total dickhead. she's constantly getting other people to do her work for her, since she always 'needs help!'. we've talked to each other like once and she 100% does not like me. I was her buddy for one lesson, and she would not stop asking questions and drawing small flowers and hearts all over her book and mine. it really pissed me off for some reason, which made me snap. i started arguing with her to the point where i almost hit her. luckily we were split up. and we haven't spoken since.

[all-that-tmnt-jazz]

Hey howdy hey, how are you today? Uh, I have a request for you, if that's ok! Uh, how would the boys react to having a friend (not a s/o, just a friend) get like... really stressed out and frustrated when they can't figure out something, and they either start crying or just shut out the world while they do something? If this is too heavy/serious to do, I'm sorry, it's just... been a sucky day in math for me and i thought i'd request something since i've been reading your stuff lately! ^^'

Ugh- I hate math, so I get you.

Warnings: Swearing.

Incarnation: Bayverse

Extra Info: I do both of these things when I’m frustrated- shut the world out and just… Cry. So, experience ftw.

Leo:

He only remembers you storming by him as you entered the Lair

“Nice seeing you, too-”

“I do not want to hear it!”

That shut him up quickly

He followed you until you went into his bedroom.

You faceplanted into his bed and just screamed. Once you got that out, he sat at the foot of the bed

“No, I’m not ready to talk about it. Yes, I will take my fucking time.”

The two of you just sat in silence

He felt your body go limp as you started crying

You rolled onto your back and just stared at the ceiling, not caring at this point if Leo saw you cry

“Alex cheated on me,” you say finally after you had calmed down a bit

You spat out the name like it was bitter.

Leo couldn’t hold back his gasp

“He told me he was going to visit his sister in Harlem, but I saw on Snap Map that he was in Brooklyn.”

“What’d you do?”

“I was able to find the building and asked the front desk if he had come in. I told him I was a friend of his and the person he was visiting, so they let me up. I… They left the door unlocked, and…”

Leo put his hand on your foot as you burst into another round of tears

“When I got back to my apartment, I packed all of his things… He got there soon after I did, and he took his bags.”

You couldn’t get the image of him fucking the other girl out of your head…

“I wish there was something I could do-”

“I know that Leo!” you snap. 

You sigh deeply

“I’m sorry. Just… Frustrated. With everything.”

“I know, Y/N. I’m here.”

Raph:

You had never been one to volunteer to use his weight room

Yet, when he got home from visiting his s/o one night, he found you there beating the life out of his boxing dummy

“Hey, Y/N-”

“Do not talk to me or you will replace this dummy.”

He raised his hands in surrender, but he could tell something was bothering you- it was rather obvious, really.

So, he waited.

He sat on the bench of the press, watching you hit the dummy with a strength he never knew you had

You stopped with a huff, your breath heaving. You sat next to him and put your head in your hands

He saw your shoulders droop

“Do you want an ear or do you want advice?”

“An ear, please. My mom wants me to go to college literally two weeks after I graduate high school and I want to actually have a life. But I don’t know what to do without someone getting hurt…”

Raph nodded along, not fully understanding but seeing that it was stressful for you

“I don’t know what to do…”

Raph put a hand on your shoulder, dwarfing you

“I’m here for everything, Y/N.”

You look up at him and flash him a weak smile

You stand again and approach the boxing dummy

“Don’t hurt yourself, Y/N. Check your wrappings,” Raph warns.

He was right- the wrappings around your knuckles were worn thin. You re-wrapped them.

You started hitting the boxing dummy once again, glad you knew someone who listened

Donnie:

He was confused about why you entered the lab and slammed the door behind you

You sat on the skateboard lab chair that often remained empty

Donnie saw your expression looked numb- emotionless

He left the lab and came back with some coffee and snacks a few minutes later

“Thanks,” you mumbled, taking the coffee and a container of Oreos

“No problem. Talk if you want, whenever you’re ready.”

You merely nod in response

You were enjoying your snack despite the inner turmoil you felt

“I failed that math midterm I was studying for last night,” you said a while later. “My parents know.”

“Delaying going home, then?” Donnie asked, wearing a look that almost looked like pity

“Yeah. They’d kill me- you know how my parents get. They just don’t understand that ADHD affects everything I do… especially in subjects that don’t apply to what I want to do in life.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Donnie says. “Are you going to have re-take the course?”

“No, fortunately. The school is letting me re-do the midterm tomorrow, but I don’t know how I’m going to pass tomorrow if I failed it today.”

Donnie thought for a moment, then he lit up.

“I know a way I can hide an ear-piece in your hair, with a microphone,” he suggested. “All you would have to do is whisper the question, and I can relay how to do it into your ear and no one will know.”

“They will- I failed miserably today, and people don’t get better overnight.”

“You also didn’t sleep well last night, so you can blame it on that.”

You thought for a bit, deeply considering it.

“Yeah, sure. Just… Let me wallow in my own pity for a few more hours.”

Donnie smiled empathetically at you, before putting a pause on his current project to work on a new one

Mikey:

He knew you were frustrated before you even got to the Lair since he’s a hard-core empath

The moment he felt it, he went into the kitchen and prepared the battle station

(which is a small pale full of snacks and drinks that he knows you like so you can carry it with you)

When he offers it to you, you take the pale from him and storm off to his room

He followed you in a moment later and sat on the beanbag chair that was next to the bunk bed

You threw him a bag of chips and he was shocked how hard it hit him

You muttered an apology but didn’t pull out of your daze

After a while, Mikey instinctively grabbed a box of tissues

He put it next to you on the bed just as you started crying

“I hate it college. I’m not smart the way they want me to be.”

“Then drop out,” Mikey suggested.

“I have to graduate in order to become a musician on Broadway- I’ve looked into it.”

The two of you kept silent for a while, frustrated tears still making their way down your cheeks

You finished the bag of chips Mikey had given you

He offered you another one but you refused it

“Want a hug?”

“Please.”

“I thought so.”

[patchofsunlight]

i do like the trumpet but i need to start practicing more😭 i think it's fun though, i've been playing since i was little because it was the instrument i picked in like 4th grade and i couldn't switch

but i have to say all the jokes about trumpet players are true LMFAOAOAO literally i've only been friends with 4 people i've played trumpet in school with and 3 out of 4 of them suck😭 the 4th one moved and i was so sad bc she was so nice, she was the only person i was okay with sitting second chair to in middle school😭 but the stories i have about some of the other ones👀 like i feel like most things people say about people who play specific instruments are true bc generally brass players really are just... exactly what you'd think based on what people say😭😭

and the deer episode is really weird but it's in season 3 i think so by the time you get there you're used to weird episodes it's just a little weirder than normal

but my teacher isn't checking that project until the whole thing is due so i just have to make sure i keep up😎

my only teacher that really knows me and talks to me a lot is my band teacher bc depending on what classes you take you might not end up with the same teachers but there are only a few music teachers so unless you switch you'll have the same one, so i've had him for all my band classes and he's super nice, people will go to cry in his office and stuff like that😭 and he won't let you skip class to just hang out but if you come and play, or have a lunch or study hall he lets you stay in the band room. last year there was a lot of band kid drama™️ and i would go in his office and be like "you know what your students did today?" and i remember he checked in with me about a year ago when this girl was joining bc he knew we weren't on good terms and wanted to make sure i was alright(she happens to be one of the trumpet players from before😭) but he's great he's probably my favorite teacher

and my math teacher stopped making the videos for a bit because he would make the video for the lesson but everybody was failing stuff😭 so he stopped making them unless it was going over a specific homework question, but he's been making actual assignments for the videos and only posting them once a week so it's annoying but not as hard

and my day was pretty good, i facetimed my uncle and talked to him for a little bit, but i'm glad your day was better! and i will be staying tuned to find out if you're the new virgin mary😭 but how was today, how are you? how are your classes going? -🍓

that’s so cool tho??? god i think the trumpet is a GREAT instrument. strawberry how does it feel to be amazingly talented. please tell me.

LMAOOO THAT SOUNDS KINDA FUNNY THO CMENXJWKSK feel free to tell me some of your stories!!! i’d love to hear them!!! i have no idea what brass is i’m gonna search the translation for that LMAOOO FMSJXKWKSK UGH WHAT’S THE POINT OF BEING BILINGUAL WHEN IT JUST MEANS IM ILLITERATE IN 2 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES

that sounds concerning omg do i even want to know????

yes strawberry go strawberry get that GPA YESSS

that’s,,,, so cute. it’s so nice that you guys have this freedom with your teacher??? god i love that!!!! i’m so happy you have a good role model like that ugh AMAZING THAT’S WHAT YOU DESERVE it’s great that he cares so much about his students that’s beautiful incredible show stopping and all teachers should be like that no cap

EYE— PFFT CLWKXKWKZO NGL YOUR MATH TEACHER SOUNDS A BIT LIKE A REALLY ANNOYING GUY BUTTT OKAY OKAY but i’m glad he’s figuring out how to actually do the videos thing!!! that truly sounds way more productive than..... whatever he had going on before LMAO

that’s nice!!! are you close to your uncle???

i am not virgin mary 🙌 my period was late but it happened. things are okay 🙌 LMAOOO i’ve been alright!!! i have no more classes anymore and my high school graduation is tomorrow which is CRAZY because me??? not being at school??? what am i gonna do now???? goddamn KFKWKXKWO LMAOOO i’m a bit stressed out about that and the fuck there’s no more class has made me kinda lazy regarding studying LMAOOO WHICH I STILL NEED TO DO BECAUSE OF COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAMS BUT UGGHH SO BORING but yes i’m. stressed. but okay! i’m alright! a bit overwhelmed maybe? and like, emotionally tired? but okay. i hope LMAO

how was your day??? how have you been??? sorry for the late response!!!

[kendrixtermina]

Now here's an all new theory for where the procrastination comes from

Like the uni councilors thought of like generic selfhate insecurity or like spineless ppl pleasing (nope an anime cured me of that when I was 13 - thst sounded more like what that ladys own problems might be), fear or failure & wanting to spite my father, eveb that getting ahead through "talent" was an unfair advantage bad tainted and evil, or that "talent" meant being beholden and controlled by others (definitely somewhat right - we worked on that, it helped, the second guy was defs much much more helpful & compatible cause he focussed a lot more on strategies than wannabe-maternal pep talks) but there was always something else there that wasnt getting touched

In tje end I dont think I have talent and in any case what really matters is attitude toward "living the examined life" for example whst you do. What you notice.

Now I did notice that things get harder to do precisely because I actually want them(whereas a lot of ppl get distracted from stuff because they dont really want it) - at the same time I can totally function or pick up new habits in day to day life its not like I have some "hardware problem" like, say, ADHD or the like.

Like of course its some emotional knot it couldnt be anything else but I feel they didnt identify what kind of knot? Certainly not that first lady. If im trying to get clarity and you give me reassuring pep talks you just freak me out more for the love of god tell me whats happening. Nothing worse when a Doctor says "it will be over soon" rather than explain the procedure

Fear of/ distraction from wanting itself never really occured to me thats not a common stereotypical fear that ppl talk about.

Let me get this straight I never thought I was better than anyone I knew very well that I'm not. I thought of both those things as ways not to get bullied, maybe get somewhere where I feel that im in the right place.

If I look back at really breaking experiences it was times I really really wanted something and then I couldnt do it or some outside party stepped on my fingers. That Tori Amos Music Video where she escapes from a psycho killer's trunk and then the passerby's dont help her? That was my most favorite music video in the world for years maybe still is.

Like I was told I could maybe skip third grade and I poured all my energy and passion and strenght into that everything I had to do well, make friends with the new class i was so highly motivated I aced all the exams I felt so happy & fulfilled just being in thst flow state all the time... i wanted this more than anything. Maybe it was the first time I really wanted something beyond vague dreams or base desires. But the homeroom teacher hated my guts and put the kibosh on that; Probably because I was unwittingly repeating some of the artogant classist shit my father spouts without realizing how hurtful it is. my parents thought it wasnt worth going to the higher ups for that but having to essentially redo 4th grade in a crap school in the different town we moved to was one of the worst times of my life. Also I didnt find out that the teacher had hated me/acted in a petty way until years after I thought I just failed. That there was a possible place I could have belonged but turns out I really belong nowhere after all.

All my effort was for nothing. It was such a joy - i mean these days even getting code to work or solving math problems has that same joy - but all that effort and joy and wanting did was that... im tearing up and searching for the words to even process this tbh. I think I denied that joy, told myself that I was just a stupud kid thinking I was a special snowflake. It didnt even matter.

Rather than insist on staying up late to make sure my homework was done I just stopped caring and hardly did another piece of homework in my life just faking it on the spot or coasting through. It could have gone another way maybe if it werent for the bullies and my father the chief bully or if only I was more determined but it was like "okay I dont care anymore I just dont care" and I think thats stayed my default response to dissapointment to this day.

This TV show didnt turn out like I wanted? I dont care its just a tv show.

My father treated be with hatred all my life? Its okay I dont care about him and I dont want his love anyway.

Like there were other times when I thought I could be happy.

Like I really wanted to go to this boarding school for gifted kids. Again I thought maybe incorrectly that this would be a place where I can belong and not be bullied it was never about being better than anyone.

Again I wanted it I clamored and cried and made noise nonstop. Maybe I still hadnt wholly lost contact with willpower back then. I still thought of myself as strong willed.

And my father made me regret it. It was around the same time that mom briefly considered divorce maybe I was just the stress valve. Or he took it personally as wanting to get away from him. Duh he abused me of course I wanted away from him. He was such a suffocating control freak! Mom said yes first then he spoke to her and suddenly she followed everything he said. Thats when I really realized how emotionally manipulative was how abusive... i mean one of my first conscious memories of him is thinking "oh crap I will be just like cinderella" but he really laid it on so thick so transparently even a 10 year old could tell its manipulation. If you do this you dont love your mom. If you do this you dont love your siblings. If you dont obey me your mom will kill herself. No she wont you jerk even my 2 year old self could tell youre abusive.

The most cruel thing he did was briefly say yes. Again I got so happy. So invested. Just bending all I was towards that even though he bombarded me with abuse and mental torture.

And then on the day we were supposed to leave he said no youre not going.

Maybe I actually did say I didnt want to go because of one time he was doing this constant scientology type torture on me

That same reaction: "I dont want it I dont want anything so please please let me be"

Ppl think of bad childhoods as a game that you win if yoz turn 18 -or 28 maybe - without killing yourself. But its not. Every year you live it can take away from your potential. Every day less than you have to live it

He sure didnt let me have sucess with his overcontrol and abuse. Anything I was proud of he rules. When I graduated from school with a fairly good but not perfevt final score he humiliated me. When I turned 18 he humiliated me. Everything I did was a burden even just feeding and washing me. Hed give me unwanted white elephant gifts then bitch about how giving them to me ruined his life cause he had to work so muxh "Ingrate Ingrate Ingrate" Butch I never asked for anything I want nothing!

But as I had to eat I did in fact have to ask things of him and I hated it so much.

No wonder that I turned out afraid of wanting things eh?

Hed seen some poster when we went to see tje school I wanted to go to - not by the school by an individual student - about the history of abortion portrayed in a positive way or at least that was his official reason why I couldnt go. Again I had wanted something badly with all my being and again all my being availed nothing. Irrelevant like I didnt exist. All my screaming gone unheard.

And this is so silly cause im not a child anymore I have control and if I were to stop procrastinating I could have money and gave even more control.

I havent even spoken to him in years now hes no longer relevant. Its not about him its about thus bad pattern I picked up.

I like how this books handles it with the idea that certain experiences dont create the type but that it nakes you uniquely suceotible to certain kinds of hurt or certain misunderstandings.

Because with all this discourse about bad message free media ive really come to think that while it can and should be minimized its not possible to eradicate cause human mibds are so quicl so fallible to extract overgeneralizations and make it mean something abput themselves

Like an immature statistical learning model easily overtrained by noisy data.

Another time I was nearly happy was when I started looking for work, doing my thesis...

Same pattern I was engaged, happy to be engaged talking to ppl at both work and in the uni work group loving it all so much...

my life had started to feel meaningful again. And it had gotten to that point in part because of my ex-fiance. Yes the councelling heloed taking up meditation helped, getting high on morning glory that one time helped a whole lot got more self esteem from that than I ever got from my father.

But that all started because of my ex fiance.

He was an i tellectual type and he had a sense of purpose about him like hes a legendary character and everyone around him became legendary too. And he found me useful! Others had called me "walking dictionary" with mockery and scorn he called me his google and it meant love and admiration. Maybe I got a bit of an ego trip off of tjat but I also really stupidly dumbtastically loved him I bragged of him to anyobe who listened everything he did seemed fascinating abd interesting and meaningful, but also I just loved the sweet gentle warmth of being next to him in the morning. Once again I was happy and everything was joyful even when it was hard, I felt strong and meaningful and useful and I let myself openly want things.

And then it all blew up. Worse yet i was so mistaken abozt him it really shook my confidence in my own judgement or any sense of clarity. I was si confused during the fucking breakup like I hadnt been since I left my father's house.

Google hah! More like his personal Alexa! It turns out he didnt respect or like me at all.

I couldnt even be sad or angry cause it was all my mistake. The one feeling I allowed - and even that took me weeks to identify - is dissapointment. Heavy leaden dissapointment i didnt even kniw that was a feeling you could feel so strongly. I didnt even do anything wrong you have to open yourself to have love. He could habe choosen to love me he just simply didnt. He probably thought he did but he wouldnt evebn do something as simple as not make fun of my voice or clean when I am sick.

Once he started putting me in the "wife" role he just became unable to see me. His loss really cause I think he wanted to keep me from all those annoying texts and email he had the nerve to write.

By all means I was right to trust but also right to leave later but still my sense of certainty and purpose and meaning was totally shaken. He did the sort of romantic stuff I didnt think was real. I knew I loved him when we had this conversation about water on mars. He got me the perfect books for my birthday! He said I was pretty and a genius and looked just like an actress. He got me this titanic esque heart pendant with stars. We were stuck at midnight in a train station that one time and he pulled out a picnic rug two plastic glasses and a shampain bottle. It never worked out but he said he might take me to see the LHC! I really thought we would be buried in the same hole folks!. He had read that same steven Hawkings book that I loved. One of the rather few books he actually read as I would find. Sigh.

And I fell right back into that same old pattern. Dont care about anything dont want anything it would be stuoid unrealistic and silly to want.

When I first came to uni I also had this feeling of hapiness and belongingness and wanting, I was putting in an effort, talking to ppl more.. and when things went wrong the slightest bit I pulled by hand back from that like from an open flame.

And here I am years later most the sucess or contact I get is comments on my fanfictions.

I thought I was doing that, or drawing, because its Stakes/Evaluation-free (going by the fear of failure theory) or because at least with the ffs gratification/payoff for effort is immediate compared to original stuff or uni work. Its a nice little niche at least.

I mean I do care about it its not "just" distraction but maybe ive been profaning it in that way... and so etimes I dont even do that and go for full unadulterated undebatable distraction; Line to 7 I guess. Tje only reason I spoke face to face to anyone else than the delivery guy this week is that I had some doctors appointments.

But not its distraction from stuff Im too lazy to do or even from pressure like I always thought. But from wanting things.

So the original fiction went great while it was a distraction from school not so much when its one of the things I most want and actually have the time to do it.

Even thought thats the most practiced skill I have that I never stopped working on since I was 10. 🤦‍♀️

I mean they already explained that its basically like meditation. Or weeds. Or popup ads. Youve got to click them away as they pop up.

I always told myself thst I didnt have to be happy... and thats not even untrue actually but it would sure be neat to be happy again one of these days.

[ethereals-angel]

Ethereal

/ — extremely delicate and light in a way that seems too perfect for this world. /

《 Ethereal (I) 》 《 Ethereal (II) 》 《 Ethereal (III) 》

You confidently walked down the halls, your chin up as a smirk played on your scarlet tinted plump lips, highlighting your outstanding features. Your long raven black hair easily flowed behind your back. Your ego boosted with every whispers about how beautiful you looked today, or about how you aced the exam when most of the school's population misserably, failed.

The thought reminding you that everyone are dying to be you, dying to be with you made you smile.

How cute.

You opened the door of room 88, a room only you and your friends are allowed to enter, the dim lighting welcomed you as the sound of their chatter stopped once they noticed your thrilling presence, "hey, missed me?"

The sound of their 'nope's','nah's', and 'not really's' flowed, making you roll your eyes, liars.

You plopped down on the comfortable sofa, resting your feet on the table as you leaned against Minseok. You reached out for a grape, popping it inside your mouth, "any news?"

"Sehun and his minions are causing trouble, again. Isn't he like... in love with you? Can you talk to that dumbass? He's getting into my nerves." Junmyeon, the 2nd in rank as you were the 1st, though, he's responsible in handling this kind of stressful, pointless situations because you have zero patience in dealing with it.

"No way I'm talking to that loser."

"Your dad said so himself, he wants no trouble." Ria said as she took a shot of liquor.

Strolling with a frown on your face, you managed to scare people blocking your way. You glared your way through, the annoyance and impatience evident on your face.

You stood in front of the football field, your arms folded against your chest with Ria and Joy behind your back, either playing with their hair or checking the look of their nails.

You rolled your eyes as people cheared for him. That dumbass has been playing quite hard since you step foot the field, sending you glances accompanied by smirks and winks which made you want to go sparring with his face as the target.

After the awfully long game, he approached you with a smirk as you faked a smile for him. Once he reaches you, he immediately planted a hand on your waist. You wanted to kick him so badly, but you decided not to, Dad wants no trouble.

You lifted your hand and played with the collar of his shirt in a quite sultry way, hiding the fact that you find his closeness pretty irritating, "so, when will you stop being a pain in the ass?" You said as you offered him a genuine-looking smile.

"I don't know, when will you be mine?" He countered as he was about to close the distance.

You placed your hand to his chest, stopping him from moving any closer, "do something I don't want you to, I'm going to break your neck." You smiled one last time before pushing him off you and stepping back.

You felt his eyes burning holes on your back as you walked away with a scowl plastered on your face.

You got out of that place with an exasperating sigh. "Where are we going?" Joy asked as she pulled out a small hand mirror out of her hand back.

"The library."

Ria pulled out a book and read, meanwhile Joy started answering her homework as your eyes wandered around for you have finished everything you had to do earlier today.

Your head titled as a boy wearing a pair of glasses and unstyled soft hair, lying delicately against his forehead caught your attention, he bit his thumb as his confused eyes stared at the book placed on the table in front of him. He's alone as he sat there with confusing invisible math equations floated around him.

"Do you know who that guy is?" You asked as a small smile formed on your lips as you continued on staring.

They followed your line of vision, Ria hummed, "Ooh, I know him. He's from my class, I think his name is Baekhyun or something like that, why?"

"He's cute."

"What? Are you into nerds now?" Joy snickered as she raised her eyebrow at you. You giggled as you continued on oggling.

Baekhyun, huh.

After some time, you abruptly stood up, shocking both Joy and Ria. You walked straight to the guy's table and sat down in front of him. A smirk appeared on your face when he raised his head to look at you, bewilderment written all over his cute features.

"H.. hi.." he stammered, pushing up his glasses that was drooping lowly on his nose, his smooth voice invading your senses, "is there anything wrong?"

"Oh," you smiled, "no. I just wanted to be acquainted with you." You reached your hand out as you introduced yourself.

"I... I know who you are." He said as he reached for your hand, his hands are a little shaky as it held yours, making you smile. "I'm Baekhyun."

"You know who I am?"

He nodded his head, his face filled with innocence, making you lick your lips. You have the sudden urge to touch him but you've just met and you didn't want to scare the poor boy.

Not yet, though.

There's a lot going on with your family's business, the illegal one, just to be clear. You're one of the higher ranks overall, as you were blessed with wits and talent in physical combat and not just because you're the daughter of the founder. Your friends are daughters and sons of your father's friends and partners which are one of the most powerful and important people in the world like your father. The younger ones are expected to take over the business soon enough.

Each and one of the gang have different specialties, for you, you're quite familiar with knives and the sharpest things you could ever think of. Joy specializes guns and other lethal weapons and devices, as for Ria, she likes using her hands, let's say, she wants it raw and bare.

Sehun is the son of your father's rival gang. Which makes him more unbearable for you. Though, it isn't anything serious as long as no one starts anything. The funny things is, they wanted you and Sehun to marry to merge the two most powerful gangs, fortunately, your father declined. You couldn't be more thankful.

Sehun isn't so bad, it's just you couldn't stand him, he thinks he owns everything and it annoys you because you own everything. And no, you don't like sharing.

All that, and you can't get the cute boy in the library off your mind. Days have passed by quickly and his little cute innocent face still lingered. You didn't know what it was but oh, don't you just want to taint him?

As if on cue, you saw him walk towards where his locker is located, you smiled, there he is. You carefully walked to him, leaning against the wall.

He was surprised when he saw you there right after he closed the door of his locker, you caught him gripping the books he's holding in his hands as he gulped, "h... hi.."

"Hey, Baekhyun. How have you been doing?" You said as you smiled sweetly at him, earning glances from the students around you, the thing is, you didn't care. He's finally in front of you after those painful days you thought of him despite only having one interaction with him.

"I'm... I've been well."

You licked your lips, "would you like some coffee after class?"

His eyes widened a bit, you wanted coo at him but you kept it in, "really?" His eyes blinked rapidly, his mouth slightly agape. His smooth voice turning up the fire inside your chest, you smiled at him as you nodded your head. "O.. okay.."

"Then, I'll wait for you here."

He nodded, he tore his eyes off you and looked down the floor, quickly darting out of your way. Your amused gaze followed him as he entered his classroom, smirking to yourself. Not ignoring the fact that he smells like fucking flowers. You sighed, what a cutiepie.

"You're really going for it, huh."

You laughed as you turned around to face Junmyeon, he has an accusing look on his face, silently asking you to tell him everything. "Well, can't get him off my mind, why? Are you jealous?"

Your friendship with Junmyeon has been filled with teasing, in any way anyone could tease. He's the closest male friend you have since you two have always been partnered up in missions. He's willing to catch bullets for you and you are to him. Well, literally since it happened once or twice. You've tried getting into a relationship once but it didn't work out, deciding it's better to stick to being friends for the better but that doesn't mean you didn't love each other until now. You love him and he loves you.

"Oh, come on, I thought we're already past that, missy."

You rolled your eyes, pointing a scolding finger at him, "don't call me that, I don't like nicknames."

He laughed as he puts his arm around your shoulder, leading you to room 88.

You leaned against the wall, your hand playing with the tips of your hair as you waited patiently. The door finally opened, catching your attention. Bunch of students got out, shocked by the fact that you're standing there, obviously waiting for someone. You raised your brow at them, making them almost run off your sight, you smirked.

Your eyes drifted from them to the nervous boy in front of you, his eyes shook as he looked at yours. You offered him a half smile, you nodded your head, signalling that he should follow you so he did.

You walked, bothered by the fact that he was behind you as he fidgeted, having so much space between you. You halted, making Baekhyun stop before he hit your back, his eyes widened by the action, "why are you so far away? Shouldn't we be walking together?"

He breathed, "I'm sorry..."

Your face softened, he looks so pure. You silently scolded yourself for scaring him, "don't worry about it. But walk with me, okay?"

He looked at you with soft eyes as he nodded. You continued walking and as he was asked to, he tried keeping up with you. You spotted the café few blocks from the school, going straight inside. You looked at him, he looked back at you with wide eyes, "what would you like to order?"

"No... I'll pay for mine," he countered as he shook his hands.

You raised you brow, smirking at him, "oh, no, I'll pay for this one."

He was about to say something but you gave him a stern look, immediately shutting him up. He nodded, "okay, then, you... you can decide for me." His voice soft and gentle, warming your heart.

What you felt made you nervous, you've never felt something like this for a long time. And you're feeling it for someone you just met? You groaned, "go, find a seat for us."

He quickly disappeared from your sight as he did so, you silently laughed to yourself, finding his behavior amusing and... interesting.

You placed the tray on the table, giving him his drink as you pulled out a chair in front of him for you to sit on.

As you settled down, you stared at this cute boy you couldn't get off your mind. You honestly didn't know what to say, this is the first time this ever happened. Oh well, I guess there's a first time for everything.

You sat and drank there quietly, choosing not to say anything until he cleared his throat. You gave him your undivided attention as you waited for him to say something. "Why... why are you doing this?"

"What do you mean?"

"Bringing me here... talking to me.." you squinted your eyes, trying to process what he meant, "I... I know who you are... I've heard about you.."

Your heart pounded, you knew you had a bad reputation, about your attitude, personality, name, that's why all of them are afraid of you, you and your friends. And you're completely fine with that, but somehow, you were nervous about Baekhyun finding you bad, even if you really are, you don't want him to think of you like that.

"What did you hear about me?" You tried talking straight, to come off as confident in his eyes. But inside, you're wishing that it isn't that bad. You wanted him to like you.

He looked down on his drink, avoiding your eyes, "that... that you were trouble. That I shouldn't be talking to you..."

That's when you felt bad. You didn't know why but you did. Is he going to stop talking to me, now?

Baekhyun looked up, panicking at the sight of you with a frown, he continued, "but... but, don't worry, I don't really believe them. You've been really nice since you helped me with my homework that day at the library... and now, you're doing this..." he blinked, soft eyes boring into yours, "I'm... I'm sorry for upsetting you..." he gulped, pushing up his glasses as he waited for your response.

"I really want to get to know you, Baekhyun. You're... something."

A smirk formed on your lips as he looked down, his cheeks blushing. You swore, he's the cutest thing you've ever seen in your life.

"I guess, we're done." You said as you removed the tight leather gloves clad on your hands, eyeing the different firearms and explosive in front of you.

You had to inspect these to make sure nothing's wrong before delivering it to your clients, with the help of your father's men. Though, they're not really needed because you have Junmyeon and Joy with you. The rest are enjoying their pingpong and arcade games.

"Why are you such in a hurry again?" Joy knitted her brows at you, smirking.

Junmyeon snorted, "oh, you know. Her cute nerd's waiting for her."

You shook your head, a smile playing on your lips, "I should go."

You drove as fast as you can, you cannot be bothered by the sound of horns, the shout of people around you, clearly complaining about you giving no fucks about rules, because you practically own this place. You didn't want him to wait for you any longer too, your cute boy doesn't deserve that.

You halted in front of the gate of your school, you saw him there. He stood with his hands holding the strap of his backpack, his eyes set on his foot playing on the floor. You honked the horn of your car, opening the window of the passengers seat to catch his attention.

He lifted his head, locking his eyes with yours. A smile slowly grew on his face, excitedly opening the door and sat beside you. You watched him fasten his seatbelt. Once he's done, he turned his head to you, chirping "hi, Raven!"

"Raven?" You asked as you raised a brow at him, finding the name he called you amusing.

"It's because of your hair..." he looked down on his fidgeting fingers, "I thought of the name because your hair is really... really pretty..." he raised his head, his soft eyes worried as it looked at yours, "don't you like it? I'm sorry-"

"No. No, don't worry. I like it."

You felt warmness fill your system as his face brightened up, finding his eye smile enchanting. He's like... the sun. He reminds you so much of flowers and the sun. How cheesy is that?

"So, what do you have in mind for today?"

He tilted his head, "I saw this movie trailer earlier! I think we should watch it!"

"So, movies." You hummed, "okay."

You drove off with your usual speed, you didn't really pay attention to anything until you heard him calling out your name. You turned your head to look at him for a moment, you hummed and waited for him to say what he wanted to say, "c.. can you slow down a little..." his scared tone made you smirk, "please..."

You decided to tease, speeding up a little more, you heard him yelp. You chuckled, "okay, okay. Calm down, pup."

Once you arrived at the cinemas, you were suprised by the fact that he held your hands and dragged you the ticketing booth. No one has ever dared to hold your hands. Damn, not even Junmyeon. Because you never let them, but here you are, willingly letting him intertwine his hand with yours.

What was happening to you?

You squinted your eyes at the sight of the movie poster he bought two tickets for. It's a colorful one, with the male and female lead stars, you assumed. So this is going to be romantic? You inwardly groaned. This will be painful, you thought.

You sat there with Baekhyun as you waited for your turn to watch. It is supposed to be over because people started coming out of the door, you heard him clap his hands, making you turn to him, "I'm so excited." He told you, his eyes shining as he held his hands together. You smiled, maybe you can get through this.

You can't.

This movie is so fucking cringey. You wanted to leave and slam the door as you do so. You bit your lower lip as the stars did some lovey-dovey shit you couldn't even look at. You decided to turn to Baekhyun instead since he's got such a lovely face, you wouldn't mind staring for the whole day.

Your half-lidded dark eyes glistened as it stared at the sight of him focused on that stupid movie, it felt like butterflies and sparkles are flying around him as he grinned beautifully. You got lost at the sight, how can a man be this beautiful? You tilted your head to see more of him, his facial features are so soft, you thought. His eyes, his lips, his cheeks, oh don't you just want to kiss him and ruin him all over?

You smirked, "soon."

"Did you enjoy the movie?"

You hummed, offering Baekhyun a smile, "nope, the movie, not at all. I quite enjoyed some other things."

He giggled, "I knew you wouldn't..." he cleared his throat, "thank you for sticking with me, Raven." He said as he looked down the floor.

You hummed and patted his head, messing up his hair a little bit as you do so, "but we're going to watch another, though."

You were smirking at the sight of the serial killer doing what serial killers often do, you chuckled at the sound of people around you giving off sudden gasps and little surprised yells as they watched.

You turned your head to look at what Baekhyun's been doing, your eyes softened at the sight of him looking so frightened, slightly covering his face with the box of. popcorn he's holding. When he felt your eyes on him, he swiftly turned and looked at you, his puppy-like eyes glistening with light tears, his soft lips in a pout-like frown. You cooed, lifting up the barrier between the both of you and opened your arms widely, inviting him in. He immediately shifted, placing the popcorn aside and hurriedly leaned against you, his beautiful hands clutching the shirt you're wearing. You wrapped your arms around him, rubbing his back to comfort him as he burried his head onto your neck, slightly tilting his head so he could still watch the movie.

You sighed deeply, taking in his scent you've grown to crave, when did you become this soft?

You've been spending more time with him, lately. You didn't know why but there's something about him that pulls you. He's different from what you're used to. He makes you feel peace, calmness whenever he's around. There's nothing special, really, when others look at it. But for you, everything about him is special. Every simple action he does just gets you, whenever his glasses fall lowly on his cute button nose, maybe the way he runs his hand through his hair, not caring about how it would look but lies perfectly on his forehead anyway, or maybe you liked the way he focuses on something, his love for stars and flowers, his love for reading books, his love for the Avengers.

You just met him for a couple of weeks, but everything about him makes you want more. You knew you yearned for him even if you shouldn't be. He's too pure and innocent for you. Do you care? You would say yes because surprisingly, you care so much for him. But, apparently you knew you were nothing like him, you're out of his league. You knew you're too dangerous to be associated with an angel but the want you're feeling for him gets the best of you.

"What's your favorite flower?"

"Sunflower!"

You rolled your eyes, "of course, you like sunflowers," as if you're not the sun and a flower, you thought as you lit up a cigarette.

You lightly squint your eyes because of the smoke as you took in a puff, you noticed him eyeing you with his pretty eyes. You tilted your head, heart hammering inside your chest, what if he doesn't like someone who smokes?

"What is it?"

He shook his head, as if he was getting off a trance, "nothing..." his head dropped down to his fidgeting fingers, "you just looked... good... when you did that."

You raised your eyebrow, head dancing in amusement by the sight of his soft cheeks covered with light red, making him look even beautiful in your eyes, "are you calling me hot?"

He abruptedly raised his head, cheeks noticeably got even redder, his eyes widened, "I... it's not.." he eventually gave up, pouting as he nodded his head.

You smirked, dark eyes boring into his soft innocent ones, "oh, am I now, my sweet little flower?" You took a step closer, his face inches away from yours. You stared at him and took all his features in, your eyes dropping from his eyes to his soft plump pink lips. You lifted your hand, placing it onto the back of his head and played the ends of his hair, fingers sliding into his nape. You felt lightheaded by his reaction alone, his lips quivering, giving off light pants, you smiled.

You were about to close the distance when you heard your phone ringing. Annoyed, you pulled away from him, puffing on your cigar one time before throwing it away, you answered the call, "what?" You snapped, impatience clear in your tone.

"Boss, we have a problem."

"What do you mean you don't know?" You yelled, hands slamming against the table, "we checked! Are you doubting my work?"

Your fucking clients are claiming that the weapons and explosives you sent are defective, asking for their money back. You snorted, as if you're going to do that. The worst part is they have beaten up three of your men and are trying to taint your name in the black market. Few of your other important clients called asking about the issue, Junmyeon have talked to them already and reassured them whilst you are nothing but pissed. If this reached your father and your godparents, you're going to lose it.

"Calm down." Junmyeon massaged your shoulders as he was behind you, kissing your temple.

You rolled your eyes, deciding to listen to him.

"So, what are we going to do?" Chanyeol asked as he folded his arms against his chest.

You picked up your favorite knife, it was the sharpest yet the smallest you have ever owned, flipping and circling it in your hand, "shall we pay them a visit?"

"Mr. Jung." You said, eyeing him as he was sitting by a table with your four former clients, not surprisingly the ones who complained with him. A smile appeared on your red tinted lips. You walked forward, your hand ran through your hair, glimpsing your friends behind your back. You watched Junmyeon walking towards you, he wrapped his arm around your shoulder, "can we have a word with you?"

"Y... you..."

They looked pathetically scared, though, their men started appearing behind them as they stood up. You smirked, "we were here to talk." You tilted your head in amusement, "But I guess you want it the hard way."

"Bring that five motherfuckers in our base, dad's there." You said, clutching the wound you gained, the other hand wiping off the blood on your face.

Of course, you won. They had more people with them but with you and your gang together, they wouldn't stand a chance. All of you trained your whole life for situations like this, it isn't so shocking that you took down 60 more men with only you and 12 of your friends: Junmyeon, Ria, Joy, Minseok, Chanyeol, Yerin, Yixing, Jongin, Yeri, Ash, Hope, and Luck. Though, it didn't go that well because those men started using weapons against you, your own weapons, for fuck's sake, those were the one that got you bleeding right now, "defective, huh?" You chuckled, earning Junmyeon's slap against your back.

"You're all bloody and shit and you're still laughing."

You eyed him, he looked wrecked as well, blood running down his head, lips busted. You laughed even harder, making him laugh with you, "dumbass."

You puffed on your cigar, watching your father talk to the five men you've captured. Five gunshots were heard, it ended with the five of them lying flush against the floor, bathing in their own bloods.

The blood flowed up until your shoes, you smirked darkly, walking up to your father, "Dad."

He turned to you, a smile appearing on his face, "my favorite daughter."

You chuckled, "I'm your only daughter."

He lifted his hands, bringing them up your head, "don't you want to get treated?" Pointing towards your family's personal doctors, treating your injured friends.

You shook your head, "I'm fine. I'll just visit someone."

You knocked on his door, patiently waiting. You looked around, fortunately, there was no one here. It'll be very inconvinient to walk around with dried blood all over you. The door opened, catching your attention, revealing your adorable Baekhyun. His eyes widened in shock, he eyed you with concern, mouth silently opened as he pulled you inside his room.

"Ooh, easy there, angel."

He made you sit down, quickly pacing around the room, looking for something. Your dark gaze following him as he did so. You stared at his ass looking so plump and cute inside his sweatpants, you smirked, eye glinting in interest.

He sat down in front of you, holding a box you assumed a first-aid kit. You looked at him in amusement as he did his best in cleaning your wounds. His soft eyes glistened with light tears as he inspected your form, his lips in a frown.

"Baek..." you whispered, trying to gain his attention. He lifted his head, his brows furrowed as his eyes met yours.

"Does it hurt?" He asked, his voice sounding so sensitive and fragile as he caressed your broken skin.

"I'm fine, baby boy. Don't get so worried." You lowly laughed, lifting your hand to wipe off the tear that escaped his eye. He was shaking as his lips formed into a pout, holding your hand that held his face.

You leaned in, you nose brushing his, "Raven..." he breathed, you closed your eyes as his scent filled your system, feeling dizzy. You opened your eyes once more, catching his eyes glimpsing your lips in a daze. You chuckled, placing your lips on his.

You felt like you were going crazy when you heard him moan, catching his lower lip between yours, lightly biting on it. Your other hand grazed his jaw, you felt him clutch your shirt, pulling you closer you thought it was impossible.

You pulled him, using your strength to make him sit on your lap. Your tongue licked his lips until he opened them for you to ravage. Your hand slid into his shirt, caressing his sides. You felt him pull your hair, moaning against your mouth as he eagerly, desperately grinded on you.

You pulled away for air, chuckling at the sight of his face all red, he bit his lip as he leaned against you, wrapping his arms around your neck. He burried his head into your hair, licking and sucking your neck, continuously grinding his noticeable hard-on onto your clothed heat. You heard him mewl against your neck, biting your exposed shoulder to shut himself up. You tilted your head to kiss his temple, reaching out to his body, "come on, baby. Make yourself cum like this." You whispered against his ear, sucking and biting his earlobe.

He listened and grinded down even harder, cirling his hips, moaning wantonly against your hair, mewling your name desperately, "please, please..." he slid his hand inside your shirt, touching you in need, he groped your breasts. He burried his head into your mounds, licking and sucking your nipples making you groan.

His moans got even louder, his movement got even rougher, almost like a wild animal. He threw his head back, screaming your name as he came inside his sweats. You felt the wetness against your skin, making you laugh. He slumped his body against yours, panting.

You rubbed his back, calming him. After a while, you lightly pushed him off you, making him face you. You smiled at his flushed appearance, his face glowing as he smiled shyly at you. You pushed his hair back, away from his forehead, wiping off his sweat, "didn't know you were a wild one."

He whined, pout appearing on his lips. You chuckled, placing a tender kiss on his forehead.

A/N: i wanted this to be a oneshot but here we are: new series yay

[ashtonsunshine]

The Curse Of Being A "Gifted" Student - tiffanyferg

I have never felt so understood and validated in my life after watching this video.

Being considered the smart kid since I can remember, and being praised for it and only it, left marks that to this day I have to fight.

Being the smartest was what I was, it was my label, my entire personality, and one day I stopped being the smartest, and my world crumbled, and I still don't know how to cope with it.

Everyone kept telling me I was gonna become this and that, but in 2010 mental health struck and my intelligence suffered the consequences. Nobody did shit to help because nobody saw and nobody cared, because they just thought that I was being lazy and that I should study harder.

I remember one time my Portuguese teacher wrote on my test after grading it "I know you can do better". That was supposed to be an incentive but I couldn't take it as one. I took it as "You're failing and it's your fault".

Everyone was happy and proud of how smart I was, but that was all they cared about, that was what mattered. My feelings, my inability to express my emotions, the stress and anxiety that came with being labelled the smart one, the inability at making conversation, the low-key bullying and outcasting by my classmates, the lack of interpersonal relationships, my personal interests? Nobody cared about those. What mattered was my intelligence, nothing else.

Due to that label, I developed a superiority complex that I didn't know I had because I was proud of my high marks and wanted everyone to know. I studied for them, why wouldn't I show them off? But now I know that, yes, I did have a superiority complex. I thought I was better than everyone else because I had straight 5/5s at everything at the end of every year. This complex still lingers but in the complete opposite way. I have to tell myself to stop. It's a fucking curse, because I know I'm not better than anyone else but that shitty complex is still there telling me I am.

I now know I wasn't better than everyone else just because my marks were always excellent. My classmates had something I didn't: a life. They had friends that they could hang out with, they weren't stressed with school, all they wanted was to pass the class and their parents were cool with it, they weren't afraid of showing their emotions, they weren't afraid to ask for help in class.

I was always afraid to ask for help because asking for help is not what smart students do. Asking for help, in my view back then, was a sign of being stupid because smart people don't need help understanding the material; they just do. And this isn't just a smart kids problem; it's a teachers problem.

I asked for help once in Maths when we were being taught trigonometry. I didn't understand it, at all, and at the end of that class I asked my teacher to explain it to me again. She did and I still didn't get it, so I asked her to explain it to me again like I was a 5-year-old. She looked at me and said "This doesn't even sound like you". I never asked her anything again which reaulted in me going from being an 18/20 student to having a score of 8.5/20 in the national Maths exam at the end of high school. I cried a lot that day, because I was hurt by her words and her tone like I have never been hurt before. I wasn't me anymore. I had lost my label, my personality. If I wasn't me, who was I, then? My identity was crushed and I was lost.

My grades were still all that mattered to everyone around me. Me being quieter than usual and basically emotionless every day was, in their eyes, a sigh of laziness. I was in emotional and mental pain and all everyone cared about, including myself, was my marks at school. I started feeling like I went from being something my parents and relatives could flaunt to their friends to something they were ashamed of, and they made sure to say that they were ashamed of me and my sister often. My mother still does on a daily basis.

The thing is, labels fucking suck. Telling kids who they are before they had a chance to explore themselves is toxic as fuck. Not letting them explore life beyond school will only bring them sorrow and complete lack of social skills and time management.

High perfectionism, extreme self-criticism, not being able to explore new activities unless I'm good at them or show at least some promise on the first try, bad time management, competitiveness, fear of failure, realising I'm nothing special because there are people who are smarter than me, concern for what others think of me, self-isolation due to lack of social skills, and all the anxiety that comes from all of these is still here with me. That's what being labelled smart brought me.

I had to work on myself for years to bring myself to a point where what others think of me isn't as important anymore, to a point where I can say Stop! to myself and back away from a project if it's causing me emotional stress, and to the point where I try to learn from other people's work instead of being resentful and competitive towards it.

I might have been the smartest kid around town but now I don't know how to cope with life. Being labelled the smartest kid damaged my health, and that's a fact.

[sometimesthingsfallapart]

Since elemtry I've been in the "smart kid" the one in the "gifted" classes. I'm anti-social so all my friends are from classes I'm in so all my friends are like the same way.

When highschools started I started falling apart, sophomore year was pure hell and I'm still surprised I made it through tbh.

Anyway after that inserted taking different classes (early college instead of AP, which is not as respected at least where I am from). And I started feeling like I was failing because I wasn't buriyn myself in AP classes and clubs like my friends.

Overtime some of my friends dropped out of hard classes stop giving a fuck, and instead started living there life's and enjoying being a kid (teen, whatever)

But idk I was stuck. Not on the "right" path that most of my friends were on or the fun path that some of my other friends choose. I was just kinda floating in the middle not commuting to either and just feeling like a failure.

Know it's time to choose what college I'm gonna go to and idk, using know what I'm gonna do. What i should do. What I'm supposed to do. I just don't want to pick wrong and just end up washing my timeband money.

I've always beengoodbin math and science and eveyonebafound menos going into stem and numbers wise that makes the most since but I don't think that's what I want to do.

There's so many paths ibcould be taking that I could force my self to take but I really just don't want to. And j feel like choosing not to do that is somehow betraying everyone who has believed in me and my ability to succeed.

I think I want to teach history, likening public school. Hats not life changing or making big money or a supper high level job. But I think it's what I like . But if I do that than it means I'm not doing all the million other things that I am probably supposed to be doing.

Idk sorry.

This just really got to me, and I've been stressed the f out lately about my future. And feel isolated because of covid shot down stuff so here I am ranting on tumblr.

Anyway hopefully I figure this shit out and I hope that anyone feeling this way can get through it because everyone deserves to feel good about themselves. And that what they contribute to the world is important no matter what they decide to do. Just because I don't feel thst way about myself yet doesn't mean that I don't think other people deserve better than how crappy I feel right now

gifted kid burnout things that no one seems to talk about:

the raw panic of hearing about your potential, positive or negative

a weird brand of imposter syndrome where you genuinely think you’ve fluked your way through every success and you’re gonna be Exposed as a Fraud

never having learned how to study and having no idea where to start now that you need to

reading college level books as a kid but being basically illiterate now

dismissing your struggles as irrelevant because other people have it harder and i should be smart enough to handle this

feeling like you’ve lost all control over your life (maybe manifesting into depression, anxiety and disordered eating in a grasp for control over something)

being unable to decide on a career path because you could have had everything, only to watch those opportunities disappear as you fail to commit

[studybreakdownn]

This is important as fuck.

The aesthetic is cool and all, but do not let it get to thinking that you NEED to have pretty notes and shit. What you NEED is to find a healthy study schedule and care for yourself and your health (mentally and phisically). What you NEED is to love yourself and forgive yourself for getting that one C, or D, or whatever. You can work hard and make it without being a pefect student who has the prettiest notes.

Also, I feel you @studysnooze. I remember when two years ago I would have so many panic attacks in the week before math tests. I was so bad at math and couldn't afford to get anymore insufficient marks or I would definitely be held back. Unfortunately, I had one of the worst teachers ever and so I didn't understand any of it. Also my teacher wasn't willing to help me or give me extra attention. I was so scared of failing, being held back, and my future that I couldn't focus on what was going right in my life. It started to affect everything else in my life too, my relationship with my old friends were slowly ruined and a lot of handball practices and matches were slowly becoming dreaded aspects of my life. I was closing myself off to everyone I cared about in school and not telling any of my other friends from outside of school either. I was a mess.

But I got better. I finally let in some people about what was going on with me. And not just anyone: my parents. They have been one of my most supportive rocks since then. I tell them about everything now, I have no secrets except for the occasional little white lie.

I passed math, despite it being barely. I was not held back. I am now in my fifth year of secondary school, passing every class with a 6/10 or higher, and my exam grade for math is an 8.1 out of 10.

Me and my old friends were never really a thing again, but since I have realised in hindsight how toxic they actually were (obsessed with too many material things and putting to much pressure on me to watch all the youtube video's and see all the memes and be 'in on everything') I have no regrets. We all get along now, I'm just not a part of their group anymore. Instead, I made new friends. They are fun, caring and amazing people. I love them all and would never go back.

I have fallen in love with handball yet again. I'm in the second team of my club and one of the most fanatic players of my team. I love to go to practice now, it has actually turned out to be a great stress reliever and is the best studybreak. I also go for runs in between study sessions a lot, it helps to be outside, clear your head and get some, idk, endorphines? In your body. Healthy shit yaknow.

Anyways, after this supermotivational story, please realise that aesthetic is not important. For me, watching aesthetically pleasing pics is a way to get me motivated and a way to get back to work instead of scrolling through instagram for hours while I am supposed to study. Of course, if you love to make your notes pretty, that's wonderful, but be aware they are study materials and they need to actually help you study. That is more important than having the prettiest notes around.

Ps. This is the reason I repost all the self-care and advise posts I come across

Studyblr Gets Real. Life Gets Real.

Alright so I have not posted any original content in a couple weeks maybe? I’m not sure, I haven’t been keeping track but for sure I know I’ve been slacking so here is somewhat of a life update or like idk rant? Spoken word? Whatever.

Studyblr gets real. Let me tell you something: it is now 9:48 am that I am typing this and 2 hours ago, I had my second panic attack in 3 days. That is a new record for me. I have very bad anxiety and have been struggling with it since 7th grade. I am in 11th grade now and this year has been the worst for me in terms of dealing.

I stopped sleeping completely over the past couple of weeks. When I say completely I mean like 0 hours if I wouldn’t literally pass out at like 5 pm from exhaustion. What would happen would be I would finish my homework and sit in my bed when my brain just starts going haywire. If you have anxiety you know what I’m talking about, it’s literally like thinking about everything but nothing at once and then all of a sudden your heart starts racing and now you’re sweating so you sit up from your bed and just sit there. That was me for 2 weeks. I would sit up from 11pm until 7 am the next day and get ready for school. I would mainly worry about school and my future and expectations and stuff like that. Then during the school day around 1-2pm I would have splitting migraines. By splitting I mean the pain is so sharp sometimes my vision would get blurry. But still I would push through the day and do my homework until my eyes literally close themselves at around 5pm. I would skip dinner and sleep until 2-3 am the next morning. Sometimes I wouldn’t even finish the homework I needed to and then I would stay up to make it up- do you see the vicious cycle?

I lost 5lbs in 3 weeks. I stopped having an appetite, stopped finding the motivation to do anything but study. On top of that, I broke up with my mega language nerd boyfriend. It was hard, and sad and messy for me. How was I supposed to keep up being a girlfriend to someone else when I was destroying myself? It wasn’t just that though, there were other reasons why I ended it but that was a big factor.

I suck at math- I always have, I maybe always will. I am good at trig and geometry and most complex math ideas from Algebra 1 and 2 but I suck at the basics. Like middle school math, like inequalities and stuff. It sounds ridiculous because math builds on the basics but I just figured my way around those things. I have to take the SAT in about 5 months but my “dip my toes in the water” one is in 3 weeks. The SAT math section tests the basics mostly and it’s been killing my scores. I almost got a perfect score on the English portion but the math killed me so badly. I have been struggling to relearn the basics and I cannot afford a tutor right now… that’s why I had another panic attack.

My GPA right now is a 3.7 and I am so proud of myself. I have worked beyond belief to get it up this high and maintain it like this. But I cannot say I feel good as a person. Every day I barely make it through the school day, eating is impossible to get me to do unless I force myself, sleeping is only better because I have stronger medication now that I can’t fight, sometimes I think about missing an econ class because I sit right behind him and it kills me (thankfully I haven’t because I love econ so much), I find myself sacrificing everything in order to maintain my scores.

I have been a victim of the aesthetic. I spend hours taking photos and making posts for this account. I have been restraining myself from driving over to Muji and buying hundreds of dollars of stationary using my hard-earned money. I have thrown away mind-maps because they haven’t been pretty enough for me to post. But somehow I still manage like this. It’s time for me to wake up and for you to too. Studying is good, it goes towards your future but please don’t think that the aesthetic is real a lot of the times. Sure we clean our rooms, and nice notes are good! I still have nice notes because I can refer to them in 5 months when I take my finals but that’s not all what studying is, we like to eat our avocado toast and run every day sure, but that’s only the beautiful part of being a student, we are ashamed to show our dark days: the days we don’t sleep, that C you got on a Chemistry quiz even though you studied for a solid week, that 3rd Advil you’ve taken today alone, the 3rd meal you’ve skipped in a row to do “just one more assignment”, your parents yelling at you because you’re never going to be good enough for anyone: A average or C average, skipping a class because you literally don’t have any strength to get up from bed. I have seen my friends cry when they wake up because it’s just too much: life and school. Studying with a mental illness is one of the hardest things to do like ever. And it’s not even just mental illness being a student is like the hardest thing ever and it seems like most adults forget what it’s like being a student when they scream at you for getting a B.

This is my pledge to start exposing more real sides to the Studyblr. I’m going to stop re-writing my notes, I’m going to make more posts that people want in terms of advice for anything, I’m going to start taking photos of my actual failures. We are all human, we all have bad days let’s just help each other out a little okay? We shouldn’t build walls of expectations for people to uphold. The Studyblr community has helped me with so many resources to improve myself and my grades and let me tell you not every day is bad, not every moment is bad, but let’s continue to help each other out for when it is.

Thank you so much to @universi-tea and @piratestudy for opening my eyes recently

Love,

Nonso