#school is hard someone else do it for me
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Carla cutting off Betsy's pile-on in her defence without even looking up hit me harder than the car that clipped Swain
#swarla#carla connor#betsy swain#lisa swain#carla x lisa#carla: ok she kNoWs#because she knows Swain spends her life kicking off at herself before everyone else#And even if she's hurt she's still going to let it go#Because its LISA#Carla adopted betsy and claimed custody today#Pulled the castle drawbridge back up for herself leaving Swain in the moat#Lisa fell so hard she needs a personal EMT after this.#Idk which one is more masochistic#Carla for falling for a reckless grieving grumpy cat who does a great line in the art of pushing people away as well as she used to do#OR Swain for finally finding someone immune to her hall of mirrors defence systems. Like possibly a former purveyor of them for example#Cause old school Carla had Fort Knox Walls#She's just taken far more shit than Lisa at this point to actually be scared of it anymore#Carla 'once-more-into-the-breach' Connor everyone#Someone tell me to shut up#They just won't LEAVE ME#Call me when they get married
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I HATE MY ROOMMATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
#this is the only safe space for me to say it#bc everyone else can see on my other socials#she’s a slob#she asks me to take the trash out yet can never do it herself#whines about her medical issues yet I can pinpoint exact lifestyle choices she could make in order to make them go away#yet she won’t do it#just wants people to coddle her and feel bad for her#and I’m not giving her that#woke me up when I was trying to sleep in bc she was talking on the phone#like do what I do and go in the hallway#also let the microwave go off#so the beeping didn’t help#comes in super late every night#complains about her life in general yet puts no effort in whatsoever#takes advantage of her boyfriend#aka my friend#and both me and my other friend have noticed that he’s now just a shell of who he used to be#bc now she’s with him 24/7#and all the while she wants people to handhold her but wants to get into medical school#yet can’t even handle her first semester of undergrad#goodbye#she acts like she has it so hard meanwhile I have a minor a job clubs and am actually participating in my other stuff#unlike SOMEONE I know#then when I’m trying to sleep#has her brightness up in the dark#or comes in with her flashlight all the way on#and is playing videos#let me sleep#bc I have to be at work for 7am#and my day doesn’t end until 10pm
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Has time always moved this fast? I'm genuinely asking. In 200 years we went from Bridgerton to AI. The everyday lives of people in each of these eras feel like universes apart. I'm no historian, but it seems like the everyday lives of people between 1500 and 1700 weren't that different.
Have humans throughout time immemorial reflected on life 30 years ago, 100 years ago and commented on how vastly different it was? It feels like we're running at a breakneck pace in the modern era. The It Gets Better project was founded in 2010 because gay people were so universally ostracized that lgbt teen suicide rates were off the charts. And while we're still pretty far from full LGBT equality, openly having a problem with gay people existing is a pretty fringe opinion now that's fairly universally frowned upon, even in the southern US.
I'm pretty sure the first time a woman wore pants in congress was in the 90s.
Culturally, technologically, resource-wise, it feels like every 5 years we leap 5 decades forward. Is it just our own preoccupation with the era we live in that makes this moment feel so significant? Or are we actually moving as quickly as it feels?
I know people have always laughed at the grandpa's who complain "when I was your age...", but has the gap ever been this wide? Or is there truly something special about now.
#before someone @s me about *but some people still disapprove of gay people existing!!!*#i know. I'm from the south.#but even southerners know it's no longer something they're allowed to talk openly abt because doing so will make people think they're crazy#they may privately have a problem with gay ppl existing and say so amongst friends family and church#but nowadays it's the kid who's weirdly hung up on jimmy having a boyfriend who's uncool and strange. no one else has a problem with jimmy#even the radical conservatives are aware they ostracise themselves by throwing a fit abt gay people existing#that's why they're so fucking mad. that's why they're fighting so fucking hard. their opinions haven't changed#and 15 years ago they were on the side of the majority and now their opinions make them weirdos#they're evil but i kinda get why they feel like it's everyone else going crazy around them and not their own opinions that are the problem#again. there may yet be some spaces and schools in the US where it's still weird to be gay. but i would say that is the outlier#anyway that's not really my point i just know this site doesn't have reading comprehension#I'm genuinely curious as to whether time always feels like this or if it's us#yes every century has wars and pandemics and dynasty changes that impact history#but it kinda feels like the experience of a pandemic in 2020 with a smartphone and doordash is pretty significantly different than#the experience of a pandemic in 1500. 1300. etc. which maybe felt a lot more similar to each other.#and not to even mention the rapid changes in fashion!!!
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my niece is staying with us for the whole weekend for the first time. until now it's always been one night only, not two.
it's the second night now and I have already decided this is not happening again anytime soon. I'm so fucking exhausted. it'd be less exhausting if it was my nephew, I think - he's older and also doesn't need as much help (even when he was her age).
I love my niece but she just asks so many questions. like when we're watching a show or a movie, even if it's one she has seen before (even multiple times), she doesn't understand what's going on and constantly asks me to explain everything. I don't mind it, really, but it does take a lot of energy. plus tonight it took over two hours for her to fall asleep because she was scared by the noises of the house and the nearby road. I get it, but damn I'm so fucking tired, I just want to sleep 😭
#my nephew will get to stay for two nights soon so that it's fair and everything#but then I think we'll go back to one night only for a while#I just can't sleep when someone else is here. and I do not handle being tired well. or rather being even more tired than usual#so yeah no this is too much#I'm so glad I don't have children. I literally would not survive#we played board games with her today. her idea. she chose the gsme#but it was so fucking difficult.....#I think most kids would have understood this game at like. 10 maybe. probably before that really#she's 12 and a half and just did not get it at all#she's got difficulties learning and she's finally getting (more) help for that in school now but I'm really.. a bit shocked that it took#this long for her parents to accept that#she's a great kid but it's been obvious since she started school that she needs more help#so anyway yeah it's 3am and I think she finally fell asleep after I put Charmed on for her#I've got a massive headache and I'm so fucking tired I feel like I'm losing my mind lol#couldn't sleep last night & I hope it's better tonight. but having someone else here is stressful.#ugh I wish this wasn't so hard for me. I want to be the fun aunt (I'm their only aunt.. aunt-like person... whatever) but I know I get more#and more impatient when they're here. I hate that. but I can't change it. I've tried! for 10 years! but it didn't work#don't get me wrong - I'm never mean or angry with them. I just get somewhat annoyed and I know it's noticeable and I hate that#they don't seem to mind. they love visiting us. but I don't like it because I hated the way adults treated me when I was a kid so I want to#be better#:(#anyway I have to sleep now or tomorrow will be hell :)#personal
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why is everything (showing other people respect. being patient and kind. not flying off the handle about stupid things. emotional regulation and self-control. et cetera.) so easy when I'm not around my parents and so so so so hard when I AM around them?
#this is a genuine question btw I need advice bc I'm STRUGGLING. idk why everything makes me frustrated and angry#when I'm around my parents and it's SO hard to be kind and respectful to them and my sister#but so easy literally everywhere else#I hate that I'm like this I wish I could genuinely be a nice person but apparently the person#I REALLY am is the horrible selfish lazy brat I am with my parents.#even though it feels 100% easier otherwise APPARENTLY the real me is the one I revert to at home#but being nice away from home comes so naturally?? so is THAT the real me??? idk what to do I'm so frustrated right now#Lu rambles#can my mutuals please weigh in bc I feel like a terrible horrible emotionally illiterate person rn#bc of a conversation in which I fought with my mom over the fact that I have a hard time respecting my middle school aged sister#bc I don't want her (bold. confident. sometimes a little bit of a brat as well bc humanity) thinking she can walk all over me#the way she acts always makes me feel like she thinks she's better than me but maybe it's just my mindset. bc I KNOW#that my middle schooler sister IS better than me in most ways and I HATE that. how can someone#so much younger than me be better than me at basically everything she sets her mind to?#and how can I ever have confidence in myself when I know that's the case??? it's so frustrating!!#ugghdnfnsngsmkgnskfnskd I need advice and prayers. and probably to go to bed early tonight.
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mannnnnnnnbb fuck November I’m so tired of feeling lonely in my own life.
#lee’s bullshit#even being in [redacted] will not save you from the depths of November#trying to remind myself things are always changing and I can’t stop putting myself out there but I am tired.#what I am doing clearly is not enough in any respect and I am tired of feeling so worn to the bone all the time.#huge social miss today at the function. woke up late and ruined the schedule. couldn’t make a clear decision on dinner.#haven’t found a replacement roommate. haven’t finished my portfolio. haven’t applied to internships. haven’t finished my final project.#behind on everything and with every step I take I get pulled further and further backwards.#my roommate is graduating early and i feel like it’s my fault.#i shouldn’t blame myself for someone else’s bad behavior but im still beating myself up for being a cause for it.#my other roommate wants to move out to live on her own next year.#also blaming myself for that even tho its always on me to fix the mess of housing every damn semester#I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m not doing enough and even when I am that it just simply doesn’t matter.#saw one of my friends today but only for an hour. texting the group is like sending a blind pigeon out in a gale.#I know that things will get better but it’s just so hard . if someone genuinely asked how I was doing I could cry on the spot.#none of my friends are close enough anymore not at home not at school not in my family. there’s nowhere to go.#just tired. Going to go to bed soon. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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akdbdndjshdf
#feel fucking crazy sometimes ugh ik rn it’s partially bc im kinda tired and i haven’t eaten#but like i do kinda wanna cry bc my friends be planning smth without me LMFAOOOOOOOOOO#it sounds so dumb :| ik it’s not tho lmfaobscbdbdndndkkdksjdhekws#i honestly just need to stop thinking and eat smth or just go to sleep bc i rly don’t feel like#making food rn lmao but#idk i like writing out my thoughts here sometimes so i think imma do that ;-;#bc like my two friends who i’ve been seeing nonstop lately mentioned getting pho w a group#and i def think i said i wanted to join#but they all like were talking abt it today and i think they started a gc to plan it and they do actually have plans#but idk shit abt it#and ik if i asked they would say i can join#but goddammit i could not bring myself to ask today#and honestly even thinking abt needing to ask makes me kinda want to cry#BRUH i wish i was over friendship exclusion bullshit#it’s this one fucking friend in middle school who made me sob a million fucking times#bc she straight up ignored me when we were w other friends#and my friends rn don’t do that#but idk being left out of this gc has made me insane ig 😀😀😀#they can’t even all fit in her car……..#idk like they also never said anything directly to me abt it even tho they were talking abt it in my vicinity#they asked someone else if she wanted to go ;-; like kinda absently but still#i hate that im complaining abt this i hate that i feel fucking crazy complaining abt this#like i can totally see a world where i just fucking ASK and my roommates like oh shit ur not in the group i didn’t realize#but also i could be deluding myself#its literally. not that deep im seeing the two of them tmrw and i can ask when im not out of my mind#ugh fucking fuck sometimes i hate relationships#but ik to some extent that these ppl like spending time w me even if its hard to believe sometimes like rn ig#but to think i have to start all over in a few months and find those ppl again#💀💀💀💀💀🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠#anyway i’m fine i need to chill and do something productive 😭😭😭😭😭
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Donated five big trash bags of clothes/shoes to Goodwill today. Feeling quite proud of myself for finally getting rid of stuff I don’t wear 😅
These are big strides for me. It’s very difficult for me to get rid of things because I’m always worried I’ll need them later. But it was definitely time to clear out some things
#some of that stuff I’ve had for over 10 years#I had clothes I wore in high school#that haven’t been my taste in a literal decade! even if some of them still fit it’s like…no. it’s time.#some of them are hard to get rid of because they remind me of happy times#or friendships that have grown apart#but I thanked them for the joy they brought me at the time; and released them to make someone else happy 😊#a few sweaters I passed onto my cousin so I at least know who they’re going to#I struggle with this so much but I needed to do it#so I’m proud of the progress I’ve made#my post#ramblings
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one of my favorite professors is insistent that being at this school automatically makes us some degree of smart so even if were making straight Ds and feel "dumb as dirt" were just "the bottom 10% of the top 3%" and i just find that hard to believe i feel like if i was truly so smart i wouldnt have been rejected from every single state school i applied to and all but 3 out of state schools and i think i would have gotten more financial aid because schools want smart people attending and they clearly dont want me attending they want my money that i dont have
#i am really haunted by my college rejection history i just dont understand how someone can do what i did and get rejected so hard#i went to a good high school i took hard classes i ended off with decent grades i got recommendations from teachers who i did well with#i dont know what else there is but me
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it's some combination of disliking having to meet high expectations by setting them for myself, not knowing how to return affection, a history of being ultra-suicidal but not wanting to harm people by taking away someone they love = i must get to a state where i am so universally hated that killing myself would be a net good, and degradation kink
#the third point is the one i struggle with most#i used to think that if i killed someone horrifically everyone would finally let me go and maybe someone else would even do it for me#but i couldn't find anyone that i felt was worth murdering + was always busy with school hashtag academic weapon#that's why in some tangential way i relate to patrick bateman for desperately wanting to be perceived#like look at me! why do you love me! why won't you let me go?#look at all of the trouble i've caused for you and yet you continue to cling on to me? for what reason?#how far do i have to go for you to hate me?#yap#vent#cw suicide#suicide#at its core is a desire for freedom from judgement - if everyone already hates you then whatever you do is up to you and you alone#also im not actively suicidal. its just hard to unlearn smth ive thought for a decade
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everything you see ab being the oldest daughter is true btw why am i the family therapist AND punching bag smh
long ass depressing rant in the tags srry i got a wee bit emotional
#my dad has something going on where there's a ringing in his ear my mom has tendonitis and neck pain now#and i feel for both of them i'm goin to cvs to get the meds giving my mom massages every night talking to my dad to distract him#they're both going to the correct doctors#but just throwing it out there i have had tendonitis and chronic upper back pain for 5-6 years and no one gave a shit most i've gotten is#jokes that i'm faking it#i'm in physical therapy for my back NOW but that's bc i finally crawled out of the depression long enough to do it myself#which is fine whatever i'm 22 i should be the one making my own appointments and it'd be weird if i wasn't#but when i was 16 or 17???#being hospitalized for STRESS HEADACHES at 14 too???#who gets hospitalized for that shit and how were my parents not concerned that i at the age of 14 was#so stressed out that my head was pounding all the time#and bc i'm the third parent who has to be the only emotional safe space#i don't say anything if my sisters are rude to me bc at least they feel safe enough around me to be rude to me#i have to listen to everyone and their momma's problems#i'm in law school!!! i do not need this i'm anxious all the time!!!#and if i'm not anxious i'm depressed!!!#my therapist point blank tells me shit like 'you're incredibly lonely' or 'you have way too much on your shoulders' and it makes me CRY#the most basic fucking observations that i KNOW but hearing someone else acknowledge it and not berate me fucking sends me into TEARS#i get messages from online friends here like 'hey i saw your post you don't deserve that' i physically cannot keep my eyes dry!!#every time i have any interaction ever i am at least a little uncomfortable bc i am always trying so hard to make sure i come off as kind#and not awkward or mean#i feel like everyone around me was given some kind of how to manual on life that i wasn't#and i KNOW this is not unique tons and tons of people feel like this#i know this is the depression and the anxiety and the possible autism i'm well aware#but then every couple of days my mom gets the brilliant idea to tell me i'm rude or lazy or whatever and i lose my shit#i just wanna sleep and write fanfics in the nicest way possible i hate everyone#i will try my best to not be mean to anyone bc no one deserves it but i am angry and i am constantly feeling the hurt of my inner child#my MOTHER threw a hardcover book at my HEAD when i was ten bc i had been reading and hid the book under the pillow#what the actual fuck????#my dad's response to any and everything is to deal with it
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NEED THIS MSC PROGRAM TO BE OVER
#i bitch about the relationships happening 3 weeks in ok what about baring your soul#(opening up to someone about your post-ssri brain chemical imbalances) what then. pie on my face#it was not an out of the blue topic bc we both have post-pharmaceutical fucked neurochemistry but i dont feel like i can just#drop that bombshell on someone i see almost every day#like haha its so persistent i didnt feel joy at my graduation and grad school acceptance and being/appearing happy takes conscious effort!#anyway can you continue treating me completely normally so nobody else finds out im a person shaped hole on some days#i hate feeling like i owe people anything so its like what the fuck do i even do now. not my secret anymore#s#i just hate it bc if someone else dropped that on me i would be analyzing all their actions in retrospect#i just hope they dont think that hard or forget about it pleaseeeeee i wont tell another soul#ugh so embarrassing time to go cry about it in bed now. at least im feeling somehting which is infinitely better than last week#isnt that crazy. im so happy i can cry
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maybe I’ll run away and join the moss
#Not okay#Why can’t I have anywhere#I worked so hard to be here I try so hard I just want one place#They aren’t supposed to BE here#Why why why are they here#Why can’t they go somewhere else for fucks sake#I know they have a right to be whenever they want I know it was years ago I know I’m pathetic I know it wasn’t that bad but please#I can’t relax I can never relax#Isn’t there anywhere I feel safe??? Why can’t I have one thing#Is this what it feels like to die? Again and again? Because that’s what it feels like#Is there anywhere I can go? Anywhere?#I just need one thing just something little and simple and safe#If I moved across the world would I be free then??? If I left the state??? Is there anywhere???#If there was a place I knew they’d never touch or stay there forever but they end up in everything#Yeah it was years ago which makes it worse that I’m still here#Its been years and I’m still totally under their control#I just#I just don’t know what to do#What is there to do#Fucking hell I’m out here dropping by with potential and Im totally at the mercy of the memory of someone I knew in middle school#…I’ll stop whining now it’s reaching a truly pathetic point#I wonder when everything I do is negated by the rest of me
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It makes me upset to see people calling AI stupid or just straight up saying "fuck AI" (even though it's in an art context) because it's like... I know and understand that the hate is directed at how it's being used currently and that people maybe just don't care like I do about this but it's upsetting because that's WORK. Not in a monetary sense at all but what everyone knows as AI didn't just sprout from the ground one day, it's decades of dedication and learning and development and collaboration to make a tool with the intention of making life better regardless of any one individual's intentions and it just makes me sad that there's so much panic around it, both from the whole "being replaced" thing that comes from waaay way back and also the very real concerns regarding generative AI. Like I can't just go up to someone and say "hey, isn't this cool?!" and expect them to understand I'm talking about AI as a tool and a product of passion and collaboration over time rather than a quick easy fix for when you want to see yourself as an anime character without having to learn to respect art first. I don't knowww it just makes me so so sad that something so beautiful is viewed in such a negative and strange light because the entire world refuses to slow down for a single second
#diary#it's also the fact that most people don't have any particular interest in cs#like nothing beyond ''we're in the future :o'' and it's not something you can force because that's how you get people being adverse#to anything ever#I feel like anything to do with technology is so sensationalized that people see it as ''something difficult'' and leave it at that#it has a lot to do with math in particular being regarded as a Superior show of intelligence even today and it has always been#sooo incredibly fucked up to me.#cause the amount of people at school that would treat me like an alien just cause I liked math / anything puzzle-y is INSANE#for example I have no fucking clue how most things work. like in general. so I really admire people who are good or invested in those thing#but I hate to think that any field or development is comparable to Magic or super estranged from myself or anything like that#because SOMEONE DID THAT. everything you know was worked for#and stopping to think about someone's work only to end up talking about it like it's magical or impossible#feels like a massive disrespect towards them. it's not impossible. someone worked hard to make it possible.#but I understand that stopping to consider these things is not something everyone can afford to do or even want to do#I'm a very slow person in general to the point I want to spend as long as possible looking at every part of anything I find interesting#but I just can't do that because there's other things I need to do. and it's the same for everyone else#tldr WHY ARE WE GOING SO FUCKING FAST !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#sorry about my ramble. you are my mutual and you love me <- indoctrination btw
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Oh! I'm sorry for not explaining; I suppose you're pretty new to this world and the options it gives for transgender folks like you. It's true, hormones can't make your voice higher. But there's a series of guided vocal exercises that are designed specifically to help women like you sound more conventionally feminine!
The downside is that it takes a while, and a lot of effort. And in order to improve, you need to listen to your own voice. Which, ironically, might make you feel worse. Transition is something that's personal to you, and there's no singular right way to do it. Still, please keep it in mind.
Where might I find these exercises? What library must I venture to in search of this new skill?
Even should the cost be great, I have time unlimited and am well accustomed to the particular pain of this existence. I can cast illusions of my sister's voice if I really must, but such is difficult in daily speech and reservèd I keep that skill for the guidance of Undead through a programmed image. To achieve a similar sound without magic seemeth unthinkable, yet this world is filled with wonders. I am here to learn all that I can, and this shall be no different.
#pokeblog rp#pokeblogging#pokemon irl#rotomblr#ooc: trans voice training is SO hard and you're absolutely right that I can't fucking listen to my own voice even after doing it#ooc: it never sounds right no matter how much my voice coach told me she thought I sounded like a cis woman#ooc: I also learned that the slight speech impediment my parents put me in speech therapy for in elementary school never actually went away#ooc: which makes it vastly harder still to listen to recordings of myself because it sounds wrong regardless of the genderedness#ooc: I've been incomprehensible to everyone for decades and nobody bothered to tell me#ooc: the real problem is that it's not possible to share the qualia of a cis woman hearing her own voice as she speaks#ooc: like with the bone conduction to the ears and everything#ooc: there's no way to give someone else the knowledge of what it feels like from the inside; to know if I'm replicating it or not#ooc: I hope Gwyndolin can push through it all because I'd rather just use magic to overlay a cis voice while pretending to speak
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one second i’m okay then the next i’m like, wow i’m really fucking lonely and it’s all my fault
#and it’s not like i’m not surrounded by ppl who love me it’s just#i miss friends. i miss hanging out. i miss feeling like ppl other than my mom want me there#idk. idk.#hanging out with friends next weekend hopefully it will be what i need#have to also make an effort to exist and be human and talk and put myself out there#but god i haven’t done it in so long idek how. idek if i ever knew how#high school was so much easier. i had my beloved friends and i felt like i belonged and they loved me and i loved them#and i still do#i wish we talked more. i wish we hung out more. i miss them so much#i miss feeling wanted. valued.#idk#why is being an adult so hard and lonely#why do i keep holding myself back#why am i wasting my life#what do i do to change#i want to change so bad#pls let me be someone else
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