#saying my love aloud
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Four Years Today
I'm not going to write at length about how different this year particularly feels, but today, my heart and focus is with my dad. Four years have passed since he left, and in that time, I’ve begun to see my path with more clarity. I carry the dreams and struggles of those who came before me, but I also feel a quiet resolve to break the patterns that weighed heavily on our family.
My dad, with all his complexity, shaped me in ways that continue to allow me to move forward, even through the unknown. He was brilliant and flawed, and I loved him entirely. I've come to understand that real love is about accepting someone in their entirety—their light and their subjective darkness. But this doesn’t mean accepting harm. While I believe in embracing the fullness of who someone is, it’s important to understand that there are boundaries—abuse and toxicity can never be part of that acceptance.
As much as we strive to create a safe environment for ourselves and others, there has to be a reflection of kindness and respect, like holding a mirror between us. What we give, we should also receive. So I choose to be kind. I choose to move forward with love. Even in the face of darkness, I accept it, knowing it’s part of me, part of us. If we’re self-aware, we can give ourselves and others the room to change, to grow, and to learn from one another. That’s where the real strength lies.
Today, I was reminded why some connections fade while others endure. The people who stay, even after seeing your subjective darkness, are rare and precious. They hold space for your true self, seeing your value, your intent, and your impact. That reflection from others—being seen in my whole self—makes me love them even more. One of my closest friends reminded me of this today. She knew how difficult this day would be, and when I couldn’t follow through on our plans, she simply encouraged me to take care of myself. No guilt, no pressure—just acceptance.
In that moment, I was reminded of what my dad gave me too: the freedom to be myself, to think for myself, and to grow. Those who stay, who continue to stand by me, give me the privilege of witnessing their greatness, just as they witness mine. It’s not about perfection, but about the journey we share. This year, I’m learning to show up for myself in a bigger way, so that I can be there for others.
I am deeply grateful for this moment in my life, for the shift that has allowed me to move forward, even as I carry the weight of loss. My dad didn’t do everything perfectly, but he gave me so much. He always supported my love for video games, spoiling me and my sister with the best tech. I’ll never forget how he cheered us on when we dominated the ranks in Dead or Alive Ultimate 2. And of course, I always teased him because I could always beat him at games. That playful banter was part of our connection, and despite his struggles, he gave me the freedom to think for myself. Even when we disagreed, he respected that I had my own mind.
Now, with the clarity of time, I see his efforts in a deeper way. He gave me the space to define my own values, to stand firm in what I believed, and to question what mattered. Those challenges shaped me, and for that, I’m grateful.
There are moments, sometimes the smallest things, that bring me back to him. I played The Last of Us 2 a few months before he passed, and it left a lasting impression on me. A symbol—of loss, resilience, and the complexity of life. Four years later, I’ve learned to live with his absence, but the pain never truly fades. In that quiet pain, I find strength—the strength he helped me recognize within myself.
My dad gave me the tools to see my own strength, and now I move forward with that power. He’s a part of me, but I know that it’s my journey to walk, my choices to make, and my strength that carries me. Wherever I go from here, it’s with the confidence that I am enough, and that I have the ability to keep going, no matter what comes.
I'll love you always, Dad.
#dad#personal#4 years since his passing#saying my love aloud#portion of reflections#last of us 2#cover songs#spotify#music#grateful#gaming#we're multifaceted and we should assume growth will happen if we authentically aim for it#grief#Spotify
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Shuake & tweets - Happy 11/20!!!
#I am an unapologetic prince outfit hater LMFAO#it did grow on me & I like it for its symbolism but I will nvr forget how excited I was to see his thief outfit when we entered the casino#and then saying ‘oh. that looks awful.’ ALOUD TO MYSELF IN MY ROOM HAHAHAHHA#I love him so much that I’m willing to overlook it tho <3#IT NEEDS MORE RED!! the white looks so unbalanced 😭#anyway YEAH happy 11/20!!!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🍾🍾🍾🍾🍾 my second 11/20 in the fandom :)))#persona#persona 5#p5#persona 5 royal#p5r#mine#akeshu#shuake#goro akechi#akira kurusu#ren amamiya#sae nijima
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Thinking about how in season 2, the Doctor asked Rose "How long are you going to stay with me?" He could have asked her that in so many ways. "How long do you want to travel with me?" "When do you want to go home?" But he chose those words specifically. And Rose could have answered in just as many ways. "As long as I live." "As long as you'll have me." But instead she said one word. "Forever."
And the sad thing is that her answer was truer than any other answer she could have given. Because whether she realized it or not she wasn't saying how long they would be together. She was telling him how long she would be with him. As a memory, as a ghost, in his hearts. No matter who the Doctor is or how old they get, somewhere deep inside their soul, Rose will remain. Forever.
#This is not a new speculation and im sure plenty of people have talked about this already but i dont care#I want to talk about it now and again because its in my mind#And no im not saying rose is necessarily more important than the other companions because that isnt true#and every companion the doctor has ever known and loved will stay with them always#but im just talking about this specific interaction here i guess#doctor who#oughhhhhh im still not caught up on the show so if for some reason someone does interact with this post#please dont talk about the later 13 seasons or the new specials. i havent seen them#retro thinks aloud#rose tyler
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I believe the king of Wessex cares for you.
#Alfred cares for uhtred from the very beginning i will die on this hill#bc why wouldn’t he?????#it just god doesn’t allow him to care but HE CARES#to the extent that he as a king shouldn’t be#he didn’t even want to mention the holyground being disturbed thing AT ALL#he needed to bc law is law but he DIDN’T#it was Ælswith who did the work#and alfred was like nooooo why did you say it aloud#now this is not blaming Ælswith she solely did what her husband couldn’t#I LOVE HER FOR THAT#and alfred actually wanted to let uhtred pass by giving an apology#not just that he DID try to stop godwin#but uhtred forced his hand to punish him by killing the priest in front of everybody#and if you look at his expression at the moment you can see it was clearly saying ‘i dont want to do it but you’ve left me no choice’#im rewatching tlk again so I’ve got tons of gifs to share lol#the last kingdom#tlk alfred#alfred x uhtred#uhtred x alfred#david dawson#king alfred#alfred the great#uhtred#alhtred#tlk aelswith#leofric#tlk iseult#my gifs
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I know you will be anxious to hear all that has happened since we parted at the railway station at Whitby.
When you know this was the last time they ever saw one another...
#dracula daily#dracula daily spoilers#mina murray#lucy westenra#i feel very sad about it and also want to read it. i wanna see beautifully sweet and horrendously ironic#lines about the future. about lucy being well again. about when they are both married how mina+arthur and lucy+jonathan will get along so#well. i wanna see a long embrace. i want to hear them say aloud how much they love one another. i want lucy to send mina on her way#with a promise she will be fine.#i want to break my heart a little more
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It's time!!
Sharing my contribution to the Umbral Wings Tarot Deck with my art for the Knight of Water!
The campaign's in the final stretch and the deck is fully funded! 🎉🎉🎉 If you wanted to get your hands on some truly phenomenal artwork, I highly suggest checking it out! 👀
Here's the link once more in case you missed it: 👉 [Link]
Going to dip a little bit into the designmaking process itself under the cut!
The Knight of Water is thematically about sensitivity. Charm, romance imagination-as a person, it's about a 'knight in shining armor' type character who may help others with the matters of the heart.
I also wanted to note that another cool thing about this deck is that the artists were designated their suit depending on their art and rendering style! The Air suit focuses on more atmospheric type art, Fire is character symbolism driven, in the Earth suit you'll se a lot of traditional-style rendering, and in the Water suit you'll see a lot more anime-inspired art styles!
With these factors in mind, I wanted a composition that would pay homage to the classic anime bishoujo genre--sailor moon and utena played heavily into the design and composition--something with lots of sparkles, atmospheric framing, a pretty waterfall to tie in the elemental theme, and lots and lots (and LOTS) of roses. (Fun fact! If you look at each rose, they have a heart in the centre! Each one was carefully and painstakingly hand drawn!). The pose that was chosen for this card was also a direct homage to the classic Sailor Moon style transformation sequences (and also swan mating dances with the wings), with the element of a 'bleeding heart' visual cue so to speak with the red roses and petals to the chest haha--it was fun going through different pose ideas before settling on this one! Roses and thorns go hand in hand, so thorny vines were also added at the bottom so that they become more evident when the card is inverted! (The inverted card speaks of emotional upset, depression, hypersensitivity, and lashing out)
For the dragon design itself, I took the 'prince on a white horse' and 'knight in shining armor' aspect and meshed them with leafy and weedy sea dragons and betta fish from real life to make a unicorn-like design--a creature that is traditionally associated with sensitivity and emotions--with a classic anime magical girl spin. I wanted the design to look ethereal and noble, and still clearly a dragon instead of a horse! (It was trickier than one might think!)
That's all the notes I have at the moment! Overall this was an Incredibly fun project to think through, I know I've been absolutely vibrating off the walls to share this haha! Everyone else has also brought their A game to each card in this deck, be sure to check them out through the KS link when you can, I can assure you that each and every card is just as lovingly rendered as this one!
#gentle Screaming#let's Goooooooooooooooo#it's here!!!!#also shoutout to my partners and also my good friends Spades and Tea and Minataur and Starflung#for listening to me pace the room muttering ideas and concepts like a madman#and helping me figure out things like color balancing and wing posing and composition!#Shoutout to the Entire Card Collab Server as well for also letting me do the same thing asldfksdjf yalls are the GOAT#And for letting me bitch and moan over drawing and rendeing every single rose I have no idea how yalls didn't stage an intervention SDKFJSD#I really love how this piece came out though!!! I'm proud of it!!! I don't say this aloud as often but I should dammit!!!#Truly an honor getting to participate and work with SO many cool and skilled artists--you all really pushed me to bring my A game!#it was really cool!#Okay done rambling in the tags for now but oooooooooo you want to spend money on this deck so bad ooooooooooo#I think it would be really cool and sexy if we made it all the way over to getting the tarot mat. imho.#aseukiart#umbral wings#dragon#tarot#Again. This dragon is dedicated to all the sword lesbians out there 💖 (despite being in the water/cups suit. let me have this askdjf)
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it's nearing midnight and once again the loudspeaker in my brain is just running "i should have said i love you too and hugged him" on an endlessly repeating loop.
#i love it when jensen forgets to activate his dean protection filter#and blurts out little dean pov truths like this one and that ''how dare you take [my childhood] from me'' comment re: john#like... things the audience knows but which dean doesn't want to admit aloud out of fear or pride or duty or shame or whatever#so much of what he says seems to come from a place of wanting to keep dean's secrets for him y'know#anyway i'm going through it thinking about this again#the deancas of it all#fandom: supernatural#jacklesposting
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local man's idol-husband concept contradicts itself, forced to become your mom instead
#tbzinc#jacob bae#the boyz#useroro#userhaknew#meltracks#wabisarah#tuserchrissy#jacob#tbz#bae joonyoung#*ambiv.gif#sorry i had so much fun with this set like. the third gif. the caption.#also btw he's YOUR mom but he's MY husband. hope that clears things up 😇 (just kidding ofc we can all share him <3 his love is infinite)#like they LITERALLY voted him most husband-shaped member and yet he cant even be one!!! 2nd gif is TECHNICALLY fake subs bc he doesnt#even manage to say it aloud the grammar just implies it KSDJFLDSFJJ poor guy is stuck between a rock and a hard place
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But the stains are black -- just like your soul You tried to cut them out but you get left there all alone...
Sorry, it's their song, guys. I don't make the rules but I bet you wish I did
(I talk in the tags so if you want more, keep reading, lmao)
#Yea I did another one#Now I have a Will one and a Hannibal one...#Both with#iDKHOW#songs wow#Also... I've only just realised that it's 'You TRY to clean it' instead of 'TRIED to clean it' but honestly it sounds the same when you /#/say it aloud lmfao#I hope you guys like it lmfao. This is part 2 of my 'drawing people until I'm good at it' series#SZANNIBAL#SZDKHOW#Hannibal#NBC Hannibal#Hannibal fanart#Hannibal Lecter#GLOOM DIVISION#I'm so sorry normal iDKHOW fans. I've been corrupting your feeds#Mizumono#Spot the thinly veiled stag reference (I bet you can't!)#Next is Abigail by the way#SZART#Woah I get to use my art tag that is also the Hungarian word for 'shit' again!!! I love it#Gotta have some humility
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serious philosophical question; should one of us kick the bucket?
small comic page thingy for the INSANE fic that is zelotypia by @terrence-silver - i definitely recommend giving it a read! so much interesting perspective on that ponytail-kreese-twig trio goodness; and terry’s inner workings and detestment for everyone that john loves more than him!
#cobra kai#terry silver#john kreese#cobra husbands#ponytail#doodles#cw blood#lovely lovely fic. one of those fics where you HAVE to read aloud to process it halfway thru because it’s soo deliciously twisted#i found myself giggling at moments bc in essence he really is just an angry teenage girl undergoing the crazy DO I WANT HIM…#…OR DO I WANT TO BE HIM dilemma while he scribbles in his little fluffy pink journal with a glitter pen#oh twiggy terry… do i have the ALBUM FOR YOU.#[i whip out guts olivia rodrigo and he swats me into a pit of snakes.]#anyways this probably wasnt the fic to be giggling about but it was a taddy bit relatable in a SENSE…?#count this tag ramble as my little review when i say I REALLY ENJOYED IT!#love when people write terry as the sick little jealous bugger he is!#ive seen it with betsy and lawrence… NEVER WITH PT THOUGH! AND THAT IS GONNA KEEP ME UP ALL NIGHT!
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after careful review, these are my selections for the most I Need Her minor NPC from each Dragon Age game
#erlina edged out Isolde at the last minute#love my Orlesians what can I say#athenril went pretty unchallenged throughout most of DA2#the competition in DAI was pretty stiff but I gasped aloud immediately upon meeting svarah#and you just can’t beat that#dragon age
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Dorian felt guilty holding Orym post confession because for just a moment he had the thought that he was glad Will died send tweet
#technical talks#cr spoilers#like one of those thoughts you’d never say aloud#‘yeah babe I’m so glad your spouse is dead now cuz it’s my turn baybeee’#very loud incorrect buzzer. gets you punched and dumped.#‘oddly I’m glad our lives broke us enough to fit so well together now :)’#sweet and slightly melancholy! just like mr. o’brien likes his pcs and his pc love interests
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i have watched episode nagi… i am a changed person
#(i am finally a reonagi shipper)#SKFJFK oh my god im still processing that. holy shit. wow#it was so nice to see the ‘break up’ from both their perspectives rather than through isagi#REO’S MONOLOGUE KILLED ME WITH KNIVES BTW. THE PAIN OF WATCHING SOMEONE CHANGE. HIM NOT WANTING TO TELL NAGI TO GO ON#DESPITE BEIN GHAPPY FOR HIM. BC HE THOUGHT NAGI WOULD NEVER COME BACK IF HE DID#wow. oh my god WOW#and nagi’s perspective too :(( him wanting to reunite with reo. him missing reo and thinking that hes his best friend#but never saying it aloud. them finding themselves apart from the other but atvthe end of the day their roads always cross#FUCK my stupid baka life this is so good. WOW#this also made me like reo a lot more skdjfkg. i never disliked reo but the movie made me go REO ‼️‼️‼️‼️💓💓💓💓#probably cause it’s nagi’s pov /j#the imagery of the chains locking around reo’s neck was incredible too i loved that part#okay anyway bye i will be Thinking about them for a while
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when I try to guess your trajectory I end up telling my own story…
thank you so much @pebsterino for this gorgeous commission of emile and estinien <3
#emile/estinien#wolstinien#ffxiv#ffxiv art#estinien varlineau#oc: emile jenidaut#can i just go off for a second.#this is literally so perfect i can’t look at it without saying oh my god aloud#the colors the lines the details#their HAIR#emile’s freckles 🥺#and god that little highlight on estinien’s ear i literally can’t get over it#honestly theeeee most gorgeous thing in the world#i could talk about this forever and i will!!!!!!!!!!!#they’re so in love!!!!!!!!!!
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ughhh I need to stop having mental breakdowns over little things.
#vent in tags#chat sesh with iris#vent#tw vent#I feel like everyone hates me and even you all hope I die and nobody likes my ships bc everyone thinks I’m not good enough for my f/os#and the worst part is that none of it is unfounded!!!#none of my friends are talking to me AT ALL anymore even when I start conversations#(including in text)#while they actively talk to other people WHERE I CAN SEE IT!!!#only one of my friends is and all they do is send me anti bs and go ‘omggg these people are so weird!!!’ about like anyone who ships with-#certain characters (including ones that I SHIP WITH!!! which is why I don’t talk about it other than here)#people are like ‘omggg… I hate it when men like these characters. you don’t get them and they’d never love you.’ about my f/os#which triggers dysphoria and self loathing and fear about my ships#tw suicidal ideation#<- somewhat#I don’t like anything about myself and I don’t deserve anything that I have#man. I don’t even want to be here anymore#also I have severe mental illness that has caused a lack of possibility for happiness that lasts longer than fleeting moments#I have not spoken (like aloud) to anyone other than my parents since THE THIRD!!!#I’m going to ask my psychiatrist for testosterone on Wednesday but idek if I’m gonna make it until then#probably I will because I’m too depressed to gather the energy to do it#also she might even say no or not be able to prescribe it#and this isn’t even why I’m the most upset rn but I REALLY need a win#also my mom was like ‘you haven’t given me another name so I’ll just keep calling you the name I gave you 😊😊😊.’ instead of. idk. asking me?#tw suicide#okay yeah the tag is fully warranted now#I like know how I’d do it and everything#I also had a panic attack because I couldn’t find my quilt hashtag just autism things!!!#not takeover#obviously
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this whole epilogue is just a little treat for me oh my god. "familiar faces arrive in simulanka" does not even begin to cover it
#personal stuff#thorn plays genshin#literally gasped aloud seeing kaeya and jean#the besties........ hi.... i missed you guys so much. i'll cry#why'd the eng add that line in for kaeya. sounds like he just says ''thank you [?] miss''. why do they make him flirty he's just being nice#alice inviting the knights to simulanka once everything has calmed down... kaeya making jean take a break... what if i cry#kaeya i'm sorry . if it were up to me i never would have let you drink literal magic ink#COLLEI'S HERE TOO YIPPEE#we need to stop sneaking up on her. i feel bad whenever she gets scared :(#AWWW. she sounds happy to hear from him and wants to go say hello................... growth from her voicelines omg#AND MONA'S HERE TOO. WOOO#so glad we get to see her with the barbeloth stuff#i love when they use her idle animation in the middle of conversations it's neat :] also it using klee's constellation...#FISCHL TOO???? HII.#wanderer seeing fischl who absolutely does not remember him: oh god#ALBEDO AND KLEEEE. OH MY GOD.#klee saying mini durin is her big brother wAUUUGH.#alice just inviting her whole extended family [mondstadt + collei] is so so so so sweet. oh my god#HARD LEFT TURN?? HELLO??#albedo popping up to be like yeah that prophecy that durin will come back to life is true i've been studying it.#HELLO?????#REALLY interesting stuff. cannot believe they stuck this in a limited time event. Again#not sure if durin really will be the one coming back to life?they'd have to remodel all of dragonspine if so. or get him a new body#but yeah it just says ''rhinedottir's child'' will come back to life that could be any one of her creations right?#anyway we didn't get a fontaine event with albedo visiting elynas but this is a suitable substitute. i liked it a lot
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