#saw something that really triggered my anxiety so I am not well :)

[frequentderealizationcore]

I need jason content as a distraction please. A crumb is all I ask.

[thewulf]

Am I Wrong? || Aragorn

Summary: Request: Could you write something about (fem)reader who's part of the fellowship and really close to Strider? When they split up to find Frodo after Boromir blows the horn, reader goes with Merry and Pippin and gets separated from Strider.... Read Rest Here

A/N: Picking up when the group reunites in Isengard after Treebeard/Hobbits/Reader sack the place :) This is really sweet and fluffy, thank you for the request @fluentmoviequoter !!

Pairing: Aragorn x Female Reader

Word Count: 2.7k +

TW: General LOTR triggers, anxiety, fear, kidnapping, orcs,

Aragorn followed behind Gandalf as he led the small group to Isengard to deal with the dark Wizard himself. What he wasn’t expecting was to run into another part of the Fellowship after so being separated for so long.

He heard the Hobbits before he saw you standing there, radiant as ever, “I feel like I’m back at the Green Dragon after a hard day’s work.” Pippen spoke with his pipe happily placed in his mouth relieved the events of Isengard were over more than anything.

Merry spoke next, “Only, you’ve never done a hard day’s work.” That’s when he heard your bubbly laughter in response to the usual joking hobbits who were clearly very inebriated. You on the other hand seemed totally in control of the situation.

Aragorn’s heart pounded in his chest as he spotted you standing with your side facing him chatting happily with the two Hobbits that stole you away from him. You were alive. Somehow more beautiful than he ever remembered you being. His eyes scanned up and down your figure making sure they truly weren’t deceiving him. You were here in Isengard. Merry and Pippen too.

Merry stood, almost falling over, shouting at them with rosy, red cheeks, “Welcome my Lords, to Isengard!” You turned with the biggest smile on your face. Once your eyes landed on Aragorn’s you couldn’t take them away. Your smile grew as his mouth dropped in shock seeing you standing there alive and well. He couldn’t track you. He thought the worst of it. He knew right then that he had to tell you. He loved you. So deeply. He never knew if he was going to see you again, he thought the worst of the Orcs after not being able to find your tracks with the Hobbits.

“Y/N.” He spoke before nearly shoving the Hobbits away from where you were standing. He needed to be right next to you. Your smile turned to one of focus as you took him in after too long apart. Truly, you knew you loved him too. You wished to never spend another night away from your Strider. He was your home and comfort. He became your person without you even knowing it.

Without another word you through your arms around him tightly, bringing him in for an unexpected embrace. Unafraid of all the glances and knowing smiles from the fellowship and other men around you. You couldn’t seem to care about that right now, you’d deal with the embarrassment later, “Strider. What are you doing here?”

Before he could answer you Gimli shouted from behind the reunion, “You young rascals! A merry hunt you’ve led us on… and now we find you feasting and… and smoking!”

After dropping your arms from around his neck, you stepped around your missed companion taking offense to his words, “They’ve earned it Gimli!” You only smiled bigger once you felt Striders hand resting on the small of your back. He had always been protective of you but never so forward with it. The two of you had pined from afar but never acted on it as that would be seen as improper. But that was then. That was before he had feared the worst. You were alive. Breathing right in front of him with the most precious blush sitting on your cheeks. Yeah, he knew it was over for him. He needed you and was tired of trying to hide it.

Merry cheered with his pipe after you spoke and before Pippen tuned in, “We are sitting on a field of victory enjoying a few well-earned comforts.” He giggled in his non-sober state, “The salted pork is particularly good.” Pippen added for good measure knowing it would get under his dwarf friend’s skin.

You nodded along with them giggling yourself, “It is indeed.” You saw the gleam in Striders eye like he was trying not to laugh at the situation they had found themselves in. The plan certainly wasn’t running into the three of you while in an inebriated state. Aragorn knew you well and currently you were particularly giggly, a sign you’d partaken in some of their endeavors even if you tried to deny it.

The Hobbits waved their friends into Isengard, “We’re under orders from Treebeard who’s taken over management of Isengard.” Merry led the group in leaving Strider standing next to you holding onto the reigns of his horse. After the two of you shared a few moments just staring at the other he finally decided to speak to you. Neither of you were willing to follow the group at that moment. The two of you had a reunion to attend to before dealing with Saruman.

“I thought you were dead.” He admitted to you. Aragorn couldn’t meet your eyes as you just looked at him with a bit of bemusement forming along your tapered smile.

You tisked at him shaking your head, “You think so little of me Strider, no?” A growing smirk was playing at your lips as you studied his downtrodden expression.

His eyes finally looked into yours again, “Never, you know this. But I… I could not find your tracks along the Hobbits…”

“You did not think I would cover my tracks?” You eyebrows rose, challenging him now, “I thought you have always said I learned from the best?” Referring to him, naturally.

He let out a lengthy laugh. The tension in his shoulders released seeing you as the same person he thought he lost only a few weeks prior. Even though it had only been a few weeks he knew he could never part from you for that long again. He was a fool and only he came to realize that once you had slipped through his fingertips after getting taken by the Orcs. You didn’t hear his yell for you as he watched you fight. But even you, one of the best Rangers he knew, couldn’t overcome so many of them all at once. And just as he saw you, you had vanished in front of him along with the Hobbits. He had never felt such a failure before seeing you disappear with the creatures you had detested for as long as you’ve been alive.

“I should have never doubted you.” He spoke with that twinkle in his eye. He adored you, through and through. A slow gulp overtook him as he studied you. He always knew you were beautiful, ever since you met him all those years ago. But now, after it took him losing you to realize that he was in love with you, he understood just how stunning you truly were.

You nodded with that confidence he had adored in you, “Aye. Thought you would have learned by now Master Strider.” Tossing him a wink even you did not know where this overly friendly attitude towards your partner was coming from. That’s all he was and could ever be, just a partner in work.

He bowed his head with a similar smirk gracing his face, “Indeed. Forgive me, Y/N. But I was terrified. I thought I had lost you. My thought process was… less than rational.” When his eyes met yours once more a sad smile parted his lips. It hit you that he truly thought he might have actually lost you. Thinking of what you would do had you thought you lost him had you in an instant fit of tears. There would be no rationality in your actions had you thought of Strider dying.

His striking blue eyes sent a familiar shiver down your spine. You gave him a quick nod, “I will always forgive you, my king.”

Strider let out that familiar laugh that you had adored so much. The one that sent a shiver though your body, “It wounds me that you mock me so easily, my Y/N.”

You couldn’t stop your fluttering heart at his words, my Y/N, “I would never do such thing, you are my king, no?” You rose your eyebrows in curiosity. Sure, the news that he was the heir of Isildur took you by surprise. It didn’t shock you completely though. There was always something about him that felt so other worldly. When Legolas let true of his identify at the Council of Elrond it all sort of made sense. You’d been Rangers together for nearly thirty years, both of you being Dunedin it made sense to pair the two of you together early on in your ventures. He had never told you of his true heritage throughout all that time together. While it stung when you learned you understood why he had done so.

“I see you have not lost your tongue.” He avoided your question.

You smiled knowing his usually ways of dodging, “Would you rather they take it?”

But a quick shake of the head let you know he was simply playing, “Never. Your wit is but my favorite thing about you.”

Letting out a feigned gasp you shook your head, “I should be so offended Aragorn.”

“What do you mean?” He looked surprised by your reaction unsure if you were simply messing with him or being completely serious.

“Do you find me that unattractive?” You asked a little too bluntly knowing that you were surly crossing that invisible line the two of you had danced around for far too long.

A fiery blush rose to his cheeks letting you know you had finally gotten the better of him, “Oh no. Never. No. I did not mean it like that. Please…”

You stopped his incoherent rambling with a stifled giggle, “I tease.”

Shaking his head slowly he knew he likely looked a fool standing in front of you. He couldn’t hide it though as all of his emotions came forward seeing you there alive and well. He had begun the process of mourning your death, thinking he’d never see you again. He knew he wanted to tell you exactly how he felt, right here. He wanted to waste no more time. He came to the striking realization that even no matter skilled you or he was life in middle earth was very hostile and unforgiving. The chance of death was high and even higher now that the two of you had joined the Fellowship.

“You are fortunate I care for you very deeply.” He chose his words carefully, hopeful you would pick up on his true meaning.

“Oh?” You heard his words a little surprised. There was not much he could say that took you by surprise but this was one of them that did. He had never so much admitted he cared for you at all let alone deeply in your time together. Strider was very kind to you but the two of you shared a working relationship at most. You weren’t out here letting your tightly bound feelings out and he certainly wasn’t either.

His confidence grew seeing the color rise to your cheeks at his words. You were thinking and hard at it apparently, “That cannot be all you have to say.” He stepped forward knowing that he had the upper hand on you for once. He could never seem to catch you off guard until this very moment.

You sucked in a breath not having a clue where this seemingly innocent interaction was heading. Turning around you spotted the rest of The Fellowship talking to Treebeard far off in the distance. You spun back finding him standing much, much closer than he was before. Eyes widening your head was not making sense of what was actually happening, “I was not expecting you to say that.” It was you deflecting this time which drew an arrogant smirk on the man standing far closer than you were used to. How did he smell so good? Surely he hadn’t bathed in a while. How did Strider do it? Make your mind fuzzier than ever.

He had to look down to meet his eyes with yours, “I never want to spend a day away from you again.”

If your cheeks were not already aflame with realization they were flooding with color now, “You do not?”

It was he who had the courage to make the first move on you after seeing how easily you reacted under his words. He took his hands and brushed away a streak of dirt across your cheek slowly sending your already racing heart into another frenzy, “No, never. These last few weeks have been the worst in my life. Never do I wish to part from you again. If that is what you wish for too.” Ever the man you fell in love with, he left the decision up to you.

It was your turn to be courageous now, “I wish the same.”

His devilish smirk turned into a smile of utmost joy. A smile you so rarely saw on the man. For you knew you didn’t wish to separate from him ever again either. Nearly every moment you were away you thought of him. You thought what he would do in your situation and tried your hardest to stay positive. If it were not for the Hobbits you may have stayed to fight with the Rohirrim when they had saved you from the clutches of the orcs who had you running for days on end. But you knew Strider would save them before fighting on his own, the Hobbits would never survive Gondor on their own. In a way he had saved your life countless times even when he was not there. Strider stayed with you always. You loved him always.

It was then that he realized he had nothing to lose. The way you had looked at him told him exactly what he wanted to know. You had loved him just as dearly as he loved you, “Can I tell you something?”

A nod came from you, “Anything.”

It was now or never and he wasn’t planning on missing his chance, “I love you.”

You could not help the way your mouth dropped at that, “You what?”

“I love you.” He said again with more confidence. He loved you and he couldn’t keep it from you anymore. Strider also knew that things would never go back to normal after this quest. His true identity was revealed. Things would change. As much as he longed to go back to the simple life of patrolling the woods with you he knew that’d never be in his cards any longer. And if his life was going to change he wanted to bring the one thing that brought him comfort along for the journey as well. If he were to be king he wanted you to be his queen. No, needed you to be his queen. For a majority of his success came from you being there with him helping and guiding him.

“You love me?” You asked more to yourself than to him. When he placed his hands on your shoulders with a gentle touch you knew you were a goner. The look in his eyes was like nothing like you had seen from him, “Why me? We’ve been partners for over thirty years and… where is this coming from?”

He stopped your racing mind by running his thumb along your lower lip, ever the intimate action sending your speeding heard into overdrive, “I’ve always known. But losing you… thinking you died. It all but made me realize how daft it is to hide it away when I can tell you outright when clearly you feel the same. Am I wrong?” He smiled as he held the back of your head in his hand so gently.

“No. Certainly not wrong.” You spoke in a soft whisper. When he smiled even brighter than you had truly ever seen you had to tell him too. You’d all but implied the same feelings but you needed to let it out too, “I love you too.”

The next moments felt like a blur. He pulled you close before whispering in your ear, “The next time the nosy prince of Mirkwood is not watching I will give you a proper kiss, my lady.” It was the first time he’d called you that in all your time knowing him. A rush of warmth was felt throughout your body. It felt… right. Like you were meant to be at his side.

Once he released you from the hold he had you in you turned your head over your shoulder spotting the blonde-haired elf sitting on his horse paying much more attention to the two of you rather than whatever tale Treebeard was telling the new group.

You couldn’t help the laugh that escaped you over the absurdity of the situation. Of all the things you thought could happen today confessing your love to the man who had you enraptured ever since you met him was the last thing you thought possible. Yet here you were. Avoiding the ever-clear eyes of your elven friend, “Damn elves.”

He nodded in agreement, “Come on, hop on.” He led you to his horse where he got you situated before he got on behind you. Slowly, he led you back to the group. You caught Legolas’ side eye knowing the he had to have heard a majority of the conversation if he wanted too. And knowing him, he wanted too.

When Strider’s horse stopped he made sure to keep his hand on you, uncaring of the curious stares from the rest of the group. He loved you. They knew it. Why should he have to hide it any further? Finally, it felt like something in this journey made sense. All he had to do now was keep you safe and destroy the ring. Simple, right?

Lord Of The Rings Taglist (If you'd like to be added to any or all works please fill out the form here: Taglist Sign Up): @loving-and-dreaming @kmc1989 @memeorydotcom @matisse556 @buckylov3r @taygrls @ah-blossom @hardballoonlove @rosiahills22 @djs8891 @guacam011y @illisea @il0vebeingdelulu @shiftingtomydrs

[mccardswife]

We've got your back

lionesses x teen!reader

lucy bronze x teen!reader

summary: lionesses x teen!reader, where r struggles with social anxiety and her older teammates support her.

(this was a request, but the request disappeared. but here it is!)

warnings: social anxiety, angst, nightmare, fluff and mentions of panic attack, please remind me if there is more tw! (do not read if you get triggered)

word count: 2826

i hope you like this one, i loved the request and i got really satisfied with the oneshot!

hope you enjoy!

——————————————————————————

You zoned out again, probably for the dozen time this week. It is England camp and you know what that means, I love all my england teammates trust me. They are like my family but I have a secret no one knows about, not even my teammates at Arsenal.

I have social anxiety, i feel very ashamed by it. It is so embarrassing that I need to take medications to function, and even when I take them I don't feel like myself.

It was day 2 of england camp. Which means we arrived yesterday. I am roomies with Lucy this camp because Jordan is with her lover (Leah). I love rooming with Lucy, she is like a mother to me. She is very protective but I try keeping my diagnosis a secret from her. Sometimes I even call her mom.

I am 17 now and when i first got called up to the national team I was 15 so the whole team, especially the older girls and Lucy are very protective over me and they helped me when i struggled with panic attacks during my first call ups and my debut for England.

8:00 clock

The alarm went off on Lucy's phone, I did not sleep very well. I had an awful nightmare in the middle of the night, that is all i think about now. I am just so scared that people will judge me for what i say. After conversations with the team last night I regret what i said, you did not say something bad. But you just feel being judged. The most awful feeling in the world.

My mom turned off the alarm and turned to me, I probably looked awful because I slept like shit. "Oh y/nn, are you okay?" she asked.

"Yes, just did not sleep very well" I said back. I started walking towards the bathroom exhaustively when she came up behind me and gave me a hug. "You know we are here for you right", she said. I just hugged her back saying "I know mom, i love you" and walked in the bathroom locking the door getting ready.

When I was done I unlocked the door and asked Lucy if she was ready to go down for breakfast. You see, we have two bathrooms. So each one of us has their private bathroom. I totally love it.

When we open our door Jordan and Leah stood there already waiting for us, they have the room beside us and we always walk down for breakfast together.

I have never been so scared before but after my nightmare last night I am really scared now, the only one who knows I have social anxiety is my manager at Arsenal, Jonas Eidevall and my manager at the national team, Sarina Wiegman.

It's an obligation for them to know because mental health is very important and because I take medications everyday. That reminds me, I forgot to take it this morning. Shit.

When we walked into the dining room I was sweating and nervous as crazy. I was shaking non stop and couldn't wait for my breakfast so I could sit down alone in peace. Just thinking.

After getting my food, I decided to eat some and oatmeal today. Because the oatmeal here is hella good.

Anyway I walked towards an empty table when I heard a familiar voice calling my name, I turned around and saw the gaffer, Sarina Wiegman.

Shit

"Y/n, could we talk outside for a minute please?". She asked me with a smile but I could tell the concerning look in her eyes when she saw me fiddling with my fingers anxiously.

"Yes, of course" I said with a shaky voice I think the whole team heard because when me and Sarina walked outside of the room I could see in the corner of my eye Lucy and the other girls watching me with questioning but worried looks.

When me and Sarina got outside she looked me in the eye and asked if something was on my mind. I said no. "Are you sure y/nn?, it is important that we know everything".

"Okay fine, I have been really struggling with nightmares and I had a panic attack a few hours before arriving to England camp yesterday" I said with a shaky voice and tears in my eyes.

"Oh honey, it is okay! Totally okay to have ups and downs, everyone here would support you, which got me asking, does anybody know about your social anxiety? And have you taken your medications today?" she asked...

I looked down in shame, no and no I told her.

"I am really sorry Sarina but it is so hard, I don't want to be judged if I tell the others, and be treated differently.

"Honey, it is very important that you open up, I really think it is time for you to open up, and I promise you that none of the girls will judge you, we all love you and want to support you! You will not get treated differently, everyone has their own struggles, do not feel embarrassed by it", she said to me sternly but very soft.

Which is one of the things I like about Sarina, a brilliant manager but first and foremost a amazing women who cares about every one of us as her kids.

Me and Sarina talked a bit more and she told me that because I have been struggling a lot with my anxiety and sleeping I will not start tomorrow, when we play against Ireland in the euro qualifier at Wembley. Which I totally understand, I need to get my shit together and open up because I hopefully think I will feel much better then. Also feel closer with my teammates, not that I am not close with them. trust me I am but recently I have been shutting down and try to isolate from the others, which they now have realised.

Sarina has some of my medications in her office, incase I forget to bring or take mine so we went to her office and I took them, with disgust. It makes me feel different, I don't like that.

"Y/n, is it not your fault you have social anxiety, okay? Trust me, you are not different, okay. Now you need to go to breakfast before training".

She then gave me a hug and I left her office. Have I told you that I love the hugs Sarina gives, it is probably one of the best hugs ever!

I walked towards the dining room again and looked at my phone and saw that I was with Sarina for almost 20 minutes, now Lucy is probably really worried.

I thought about how I am going to tell the team. I am first going to tell Lucy and some of the veterans on the team.

When I walked inside dining room some of the tables were in a middle of a conversation and did not see me, unfortunately Lucy looked up at the door the second it open.

Lucys pov

Sarina called y/n outside and I would be lying if I said I was not worried. I am sitting with the group I always sit with at England camp, Leah, Keira, Georgia, Rachel, Millie, Jordan, Mary and Beth Mead. I have been worried about y/n for a while, I sat deep in my thoughts thinking about y/n when Rach suddenly asked. "Lucy, you good? You've been sitting spaced out for a while".

"Yes I am ok, i am just a bit worried about the youngster, in other words y/nn". As much as i love her I want what's best for her and I really think she is struggling with something, she always seems scared, nervous and it gives me signs of anxiety".

"Yeah that is actually true" Leah said, "Her being on arsenal me, Beth and Jordan pretty much see y/n everyday and she seems very tense". Millie being the softie she is said "We should probably try talk to her later when she comes back".

"Good idea, I say. "but I can't stop thinking about why Sarina wanted to talk to her".

Keira leaned over to me and whispered in my ear "stop being so nervous love, we will talk to her and support y/nn no matter what".

I just kissed her on the cheek and said thank you.

We sat there eating and making small talk when I looked at the clock, y/n has been away for like 20 minutes now. I am kind of starting to get nervous now

But as I thought of her the door opened and there she walked in deep in her thoughts with a hard look on her face. She picked up her food she got earlier and wanted to sit alone, she walked past us but Jordan grabbed her wrist softly asking "You want to sit with us?, there is an empty chair beside Georgia".

Reader´s pov again

I picked up my food I left on an empty table before I was pulled out to talk with Sarina and was walking towards and empty table, but as I was walking past the table Lucy and the other girls were on I felt a hand grabbing my wrist, softly but suddenly.

it was Jordan

"You want to sit with us?, there is an empty chair beside Georgia".

The table consisted of Lucy, Leah, Keira, Georgia, Rachel, Millie the brick wall Bright, Jordan, Mary and Beth Mead.

Deciding not to be rude I said "Yeah sure", with probably the shakiest voice for the 100th times today. I walked over and sat beside Georgia

Then I felt as I was being watch, I looked every one of them in the eye and I asked if something was wrong.

Lucy for the second time today asked "Are you ok y/nn, all of us are pretty worried about you". Beth said "Yeah, the whole team are and we want to know what's been up with you?, what did Sarina want to talk to you about?.

Leah being the skipper she is, saw you felt a bit overwhelmed with all the questions, "Relax, one question at a time" she said with a soft smile on her face.

I want to open up I thought, but at the same thing I don't.. why does it have to be so hard? Am I going to get judged, I know what Sarina told me but still".

"Babe" Lucy said "What is going on in that pretty mind of yours?".

I felt tears starting to drop and my hands shaking on the table while my foot was bouncing like crazy. When I felt Georgia's hand on my shoulder pulling me in for a side hug I lost it.

"I have social anxiety, i have been diagnosed with it for a few months. Only Jonas and Sarina know. I take medications for it, Sarina know that something has been up with me so she asked me if some of you knew, if I took my meds today, which I forgot so I needed to take them with her.".....

It got quiet for a second and I thought I was going to die for a minute, but Lucy walked over and gave me a hug from behind.

"Why did you not tell us?" Keira asked,

"I am really sorry about that, I felt ashamed. Embarrassed for needing to take meds and not being a fully functional human being. I am not normal, I was afraid of getting treated differently"...

"And that you would secretly judge me" I said in a very low voice but the girls heard.

Millie said to me sternly "You are the best human being a person could ask for, we would never judge you ever. We only want to help, we had our suspicions about it because we saw the signs".

Rachel jumped also in and said "We've got your back babe, you are perfect the way you are, no need to be ashamed of a diagnosis that is not your fault.

Mary being the angel she is said "I kind of know how you feel, when I was at my lowest a few years ago it was hell. but I had the best people who helped me through it and now we want to be the people to help you!"

Gosh how I love all of them, they are so supporting and caring but I was still very scared because I have not told them about my nightmares and panic attacks yet.

Lucy or my so called mum asked because she knows me through and through "Is there something more you want to tell us"

"Yes, but please don't be mad", you said in a begging voice.

"Of course we won't me mad love" Keira said in a reassuring tone.

"The nightmares and panic attacks has come back and it is worse now than ever. I had a nightmare last night, that is why I could not sleep. And I have been heavily struggled with panic attacks and nightmare for a long time, because of my anxiety. A few hours before we travelled to England camp yesterday I had the worst panic attack ever. I got it under control eventually by myself after maybe an hour, but felt uneasy for the rest of the day"

"It is ok not to be ok, but this is serious, we all care and want to help you. It sucks that you have felt this way y/nn" Jordan said with the biggest smile, it looked sad but kind.

"I am really sorry about not telling, but I promise I will be more open but you need to understand it is very difficult for me" I said, "And I am sorry mom, it is not your fault. I know you were asleep when I had the nightmare but I could not bear myself to wake you, I felt embarrassed" I said to Lucy.

Lucy´s pov

"And I am sorry mom, it is not your fault. I know you were asleep when I had the nightmare but I could not bear myself to wake you, I felt embarrassed"

Hearing those words come out of my daughter´s mouth broke me. I tried not to let tears fall but it was impossible now. I am her biggest supporter and I always will be. I just want her to know that

"You are amazing, brilliant, caring, loving and all other kind words I could say! I love you so much my babygirl."

Reader´s pov again

"I love you to mom". I said to Lucy.

Leah said sternly to me "You need to go see a therapist, when we come back at arsenal again we will go twice a week and I will go with you then me, Beth and Jordan can switch who would go with you"

"Seriously?" I groaned.

"Yes", they all said sternly in sync.

"Okay then, but Leah, you, Beth, and Jordan don't need to go with me"

"But we want to" the three of them said gladly.

"Thank you" I said looking down...

"Come here y/nn" Georgia said pulling me in for a hug, I love Georgias hugs.

Every one of the girls gave me a bear crushing hug telling me

"We will always be here for you babe, just call or text or do anything. And we will be there in an eye blink for you! We are so glad you told us, now we just need to tell the others."

"Could we please do it later?" I asked nervously...

"Of course" Rachel said.

"When we are back at arsenal we gotta tell our arsenal teammates too" Beth said.

"I know I know..." I said.

"I will always support you kid, I love you so much and I will always do. You are literally my kid just not official. I would love to be your official mom tho, if you'd have me?" Lucy asked.

I looked at her in utterly shock, and the other girls looked at us in awe.

"Are you serious, please be serious?" I asked with my mouth hanging open.

"Of course, as I said I love you like my own family". Lucy told me with tears

I said loudly "Yes, of course I would want you to adopt me, it kind of feel like you already have tho but still omg".

I started crying again but this time happy tears, while I gave my mom a big hug the girls took a photo of us and gave us a hug.

The perfect group hug.

Little did y/n know that Sarina stood outside watching everything that just had happen, you telling the others about your struggles and Lucy confessing how she feel about you.

Sarina really felt like a proud mom now.

"I am really the best momager ever" Sarina said walking away chuckling with the most heartwarming smile on her face ever.

[ghostboneswrites2]

Hii!!! This account has been my go-to for daryl fics since ive been into him. And i really love the way you write!! But since im a sucker for angst and anything cry-worthy, ive been wanting a fic where its in pre-negan and to negan's first appearance timeline— after rick decides to bring maggie to the hilltop to figure out what's wrong with her, the reader is to stay with gabriel to watch out for alexandria, but considering how her anxiety for daryl and the other's safety is eating her she went out to look for them, using the tracking skills daryl had taught her. The time she found the group was at the lineup, Abraham's head already bashed to a unidentifiable pulp. Due to the scene she couldnt help but act in fury and tried attacking negan but his men was able to catch up and before she could even lay a finger on negan, she was kneeling aswell. this triggers Daryl, not being able to see reader in such danger as he vowed to protect her at all cost and punched negan which causes him to stumble. And instead of glenn dying at Daryl's outburst, its the reader who gets a taste of lucille.

And i leave the rest to you! :DD

Well first of all anon I am HONORED to be your go to 🥹 please accept this flower as a token of my appreciation 🌸

Anyways, I’m an absolute sucker for angst and you have INSPIRED ME. I hope you’re ready for the b i g sad.

*ahem* *cracks knuckles*

The Man Who…

Masterlist || Taglist

(Fem!Reader) (Reader Description: has hair)

Warnings: blood, gore, profanity

With your teeth chewing tirelessly at your nail beds, the flesh had become raw. A faint hue of blood settled in between the cracks on your lips.

A deep pit had formed in your gut. It was vacuous, consuming. Your nerves were eating you alive. Nobody had come back yet. You knew it wouldn’t be a quick trip, but still. And nobody had radioed back in over an hour.

You sucked in a sharp breath, partially in hopes that the sensation of air filling your lungs would calm the rapid pace of your heart.

“Is something the matter?” Gabriel asked you, having picked up on your restlessness.

“We haven’t heard from them.” You said simply, foot tapping against the ground. Gabriel pressed his lips together and nodded.

“The Lord is with them. They’ll be okay.” He assured you. With a scoff, your rolled your eyes. Who was he to preach to you in times of need? What did he care? He left his entire congregation to be eaten alive.

“I have to use the bathroom.” You announced abruptly, pushing your chair back and exiting the room with haste. You stomped down the hall into the bathroom, locking the door behind you.

You stared at yourself for a while, begging your reflection for some guidance. Daryl told you to stay put. You made a deal with him a long time ago, never to break away from the plan unless you had no choice. However, would he sit idly by if he didn’t know you were safe? Surely not. You may have made a deal with him, but the two of you had also taken an oath to each other.

It was the silent, unspoken kind of promise. Neither of you needed to say it out loud, you just knew. You’d always protect each other, you’d always find each other, and you’d never leave the other behind. So why were you still standing there?

They would have contacted you by now if they were okay. That was the plan, and you never strayed away from the plan.

Without a second thought, you marched out of the bathroom and made hast to the armory, mapping out a plan in your mind as you did so.

……

The engine sputtered as you pulled the key from the ignition. You’d been driving for roughly an hour, following the route the others would have taken. You only pulled over when you saw the RV parked on the side of the road.

As you examined the scene around the vacant house-on-wheels, you were able to put Daryl’s teachings to use in identifying the tracks leading into the trees. The woods were eerily quiet as you followed the trail of disturbed undergrowth. Dusk was settling in, and the only sound to be identified were the rhythmic chirps of frogs and crickets.

Nightfall crept up on you quickly. Your breath had become visible in the moonlight, chills crawling all over you. Regardless, you pressed on. The night could throw anything your way, but you wouldn’t turn back. The idea that something was terribly wrong hadn’t eased. If anything, the feeling grew more dire, as if you were running out of time.

You had been consumed entirely by your thoughts at this point, worst case scenarios floating around in a sea of worry inside your mind. You were only brought back to the present when you caught a glimpse of shining lights just up ahead. Hurriedly, you crouched down into some shrubbery. The bright lights casted shadows through the leaves that danced over your face as you peered through the bushes to see what was going on.

It was hard to make out, but you could see a wall of people surrounding another RV. There was a voice, too, hidden behind the barricade of bodies. It was giving some kind of speech that you couldn’t quite pick up on. The people surrounding the scene were predatory in their demeanor, like a pack of hungry hyenas cornering their kill.

You watched for some time before you caught onto a second voice — one with more grit to it — and you recognized it immediately.

Rick was on the other side of these people, which meant the rest of your family was too. It meant Daryl would be there too.

As carefully as you could, you crawled closer, sticking low into to the shadows. You could almost make out what was being said when a strong pair of arms yolked you up by the waist. A gust of breath escaped you as your back impacted a solid chest. You flailed your arms and legs, hissing profanities in between your hunts and growls. Whoever it was struggled to contain you, but they were still just strong enough to hold you.

The people who previously had their backs to you parted, allowing entrance into their circle. The man who had your restrained dragged you into the middle. When you finally grew tired of struggling and had a chance to look around, you took it all in.

Your friends were all kneeling on the ground, shock and grief written all over their faces. People you’d never seen before surrounded you.

Your captor threw you down in to the dirt. You caught yourself with your hands. A pair of boots stepped in front of you. Your eyes followed them up to a face.

He was tall and menacing. A wide grin spear over his lips as he chuckled, swinging a bat over his shoulder.

“She was watching from the bushes, sir.” The man who found you reported.

“Huh.” He hummed, spinning on his heel to face Rick. “One of yours, I take it?”

Rick hesitated to nod. The man thought for a moment, as you continued to study the scene around you. When your eyes fell on Abraham — or, what used to be Abraham — a wave a nausea washed over you. You slapped your hand over your mouth to suppress a gag.

“Oh, shit.” The man chuckled. “Guess you missed that part. See, that’s payback for fucking with me.”

“You cocksucker.” You growled, scowling as you lunched up at the man. Arms wrapped around you again, shoving you back down into the dirt. He dragged you over to Rick and the others, kicking you into place.

That was all Daryl could bare. His chest tightened, a sharp feeling darting from his core down into he tips of his fingers. His face went numb with nerves. He had no time to think. Before you could even push yourself off the ground, Daryl sprung forward and landed a solid punch across Negan’s face.

Two men quickly dragged Daryl back into place, one of them holding a familiar crossbow to his head. “Let me do it, boss.” The man begged.

Negan recollected himself quickly, laughing at the audacity required to attack him under such circumstances. Had he not made himself clear?

“Nah. That’s not gonna work.” Negan shook his head. “I told you. No exceptions.”

In the blink of an eye his bat was raised. Time slowed down, nearly halted for those around you. You looked up, tears flowing softly down your cheeks. For a moment, you felt peace. The next moment, fear. Finally, pain. A searing, crushing, all-consuming kind of pain. A loud crunch echoed through the trees. Your ears rang loudly, vision blurry and red. You blinked rapidly, throwing to clear whatever was in your eyes.

Gasps and sobs followed. Your friends and family around you watched in horror as you struggled to sit back up. It didn’t seem like you really registered what happened. You were too disoriented from the first blow to feel the second one.

You gurgled as tried to speak, blood spurting from your lips. Daryl’s cries rattled his body, barely able to make a sound as his breath seemed to be knocked out every time the bat fell down on your skull.

The only thing you could see was a blur of lights and shadows, tainted red with your own blood. For everyone else, the view was much more gruesome. Bits of bone and brain were hanging from your frizz of hair, some of which had been snagged on Lucille’s barbed wire dressing and ripped out. Only two blows from the bat and your were fully incapacitated, reduced to a bloody blubbering lump on the ground with a dent in your skull.

Weak with horror, Daryl lost the strength to sit straight. He fell tot he ground, attempting to drag himself toward you. A heavy boot pressed into his back, holding him firmly down.

Even Negan seemed to falter at the sight of his own destruction. Killing women was a new low for him, even with his track record. Especially in such a barbaric fashion. A sniffed and frowned, gripping Lucille tightly. It was too late for second thoughts. Daryl had to be taught a lesson. He had to understand how things would be from now on. There would be no more bravery or heroism. There would only be Negan.

He raised the bat once more, glancing over to Daryl as he groveled and sobbed below Dwight’s boot. The pain in Daryl’s eyes struck a chord in Negan. It was an unmistakable kind of reaction. The kind you could only bring out of a man when you were taking away the person he loved. Negan knew that feeling all too well. His eyes fell back down to you, twitching and squeaking with pain and confusion. He decided the best thing he could do for you was to swing hard and end your misery.

The final blow was the loudest, the messiest, the one nobody could bare to watch. Blood and brain matter splattered across those close to you. Daryl, Rosita, Negan, Dwight. Everyone was silent, save for a few sobs and the only pairs of eyes that never left you were those of Daryl and Negan. The man who loved you, and the man that killed you.

……

On days like this, Daryl found his peace in the woods. His fondest memories were there.

It was the only place he could still be close to you. Near the small streams, he’d hear echoes of your laughter from years passed. He’d see the glow in your hair as the rays of sunlight filtered through the treetops, and he’d smell your sun baked scalp in the wind, just like when he’d hug you tight and press his nose into your hair.

You were everywhere around him, even if you were long gone. He’d visit this spot often. Some found this place to be haunted. Too many bad memories plagued the grounds. But, to Daryl, it was sacred. It was the last place he saw you, living and breathing.

Your body was gone from there, but your presence lingered. Your blood had soaked into the dirt long ago, mingling with the rain as it watered the earth to sprout new life. When he cremated you, he spread the ashes here. You’d be part of the earth now and forever, and he’d always have this place to visit when he missed you.

Hell, he always missed you. He never stopped thinking about you. The war was over years ago, and new threats had risen and fell. Still, you were all around him. He vowed to protect you always. He may have failed at that, but he’d never allow himself to stop honoring you. He was the man who loved you, and he’d be the man who remembered you even when no one else did.

He took a deep breath and looked down at the bouquet of flowers he’d picked at the Kingdom. A long time ago, when he first escaped the Sanctuary, he returned to this spot to decorate it. He’d lugged heavy stones and sturdy branches over and arranged them around the spot where you died. Every time he came back, he wove flowers into the crevices between the stones and twigs. He swept away fallen leaves and shooed away unwanted pests. He’d bring random trinkets and pieces of jewelry he thought you’d like and arrange them atop the stones. There was a blend of old tarnished items, dead flowers, and the new trinkets and floral arrangements he’d brought just now.

The most important thing, though, was the handwritten letter he’d always bring along. He’d wait until he had enough to tell you, then he’d write up a lengthy letter, just to sit and read it to you there. This time, he could only write of how much he missed you. How dreary life had become without you. How he missed your sarcasm, your giggle, your voice, your singing. He talked about Judith and RJ, and how he wished he could have had a child with you. He was always afraid of fatherhood, but somehow it seemed possible with you. If only you were there.

When he finished, he let the tears flow freely. He cried to you, cried for you. Eventually he’d clean himself up and place a kiss on the necklace draped over the biggest stone. It was your necklace, the one you had never taken off since he met you. It was the last tangible part of you he was able to touch.

“See ya later.” He whispered as he walked away.

tags: @kissmeunicornbaobei @thesadcatt0 @clairealeehelsing @duckybird101 @tmntfixationxreader @ryoujoking @blackvelveteen1339 @yondus-girl @ladylincoln @sunshinebug9 @saylum559 @yoowhatthefuck @duffmckagansbandana @celtic-crossbow @virginsexgod69 @dazzling-roaring-20s @l0kilaufeys0n7 @uhnanix @superbowlisgay @liizzygrant @eddiemunsonsupremecy

[raccoonsrummagerostrum]

Glowstick

Yautja x GN! Reader

Word count: 838

Warnings: mentions of injury, fictional blood, worry, near panic, comfort

Summary: you knew that your lover was a hunter, but this was the first time you really understood what that meant

A/N: this was a request from @grassfedburger , but it fit in so well with my wider yautja x reader story that I'm making it fit

Your back door suddenly opened. It was the middle of the night and you were sure it had been locked. Quickly and quietly you grabbed your nearest self defense weapon and made your way out of your bedroom. 

Approaching the living room you could clearly hear the sounds of rummaging in the kitchen. You stayed low to the ground and readied yourself to take out whoever was rooting around in your fridge. 

You raised your "weapon" and screamed. Only to be met with your yautja lover, hunched over, with a mouth full of leftovers. Sighing, you disarm yourself and went in for a hug. 

"I'm so happy to see you," you said with relief, allowing your shoulders to relax. 

"I am sorry for frightening you, starlight." They turned around and returned your gesture. 

"You were gone for so long, I was starting to get worried." They quickly shook their head and snorted.

"No need for worry." You smiled and pulled away. You yawned and rubbed your eyes, only to feel something wet on your face. You looked down at your hands and saw a glowing neon green substance on your fingers. Like someone had broken a glow stick. 

"What is this?" You questioned. Your gaze darting from your hand to your lover and back again.

"My blood," they stated so nonchalantly. 

"What!?" You all but shrieked. Panic began to bubble up in your veins. Rubbing alcohol, gauze, bandages, stitches? There's no way you could take a seven foot tall alien to a human doctor, and it's not like you were going to be much help. How the hell were you supposed to stop the bleeding. What's gonna happen if you can't help? Are they going to be ok!?

The feeling of your lover's hands wrapping around your waist suddenly brought you back to reality. Your breathing was rapid and shallow, your hands were shaking, your vision was blurry as tears ran down your cheeks. 

You close your eyes and focus on your lover. The way their claws gently rake across your hips. Their purring softly floats to your ears as you begin to breathe.

"I am fine, starlight. I am not ooman, I am not so fragile." Their voice was deep and calm. When at last your tears stopped they effortlessly picked you up and carried you to your bathroom. They set you down, and retrieved the med kit strapped to their thigh. They proceeded to set everything up on your bathroom counter. 

At that you relaxed a bit, realizing that they’ve got this handled. Still you watched intently as they mixed a blue liquid into the container of leftovers until it became a paste. With a tool resembling a palette knife they smeared the mixture into the wound on their back. You moved to see it. A large, deep, bright green, glowing, gash stared back at you. You felt the panic bubble up again, but kept breathing. Your lover brought an injection gun around to their injury and pulled the trigger. They let out a sound in response, something between a hiss and a growl. Your heart ached, but you were at a complete loss of what to do. You wanted so badly to help, but could not fathom what you could even do. 

It wasn't long until your lover turned back to you, sensing your anxiety. They had finished patching themselves up and knew that now you needed treatment. 

"Starlight," they said so softly you almost didn't catch it.

"Yes?" You responded in a shaky voice as your breath hitched. 

"Why do you panic? The danger has long since passed. There is no need to be scared."

"I just-" you tried to breathe, but struggled to regain yourself- "I just don't know what to do.

"That is fine. I know what to do." The sentiment didn't help you much. You still cried, and shook, struggling badly just to try to stop your knees from wobbling. Just as you thought your legs were about to give out from under you, your lover picked you up and held you. The way you cried, and shook, and agonized over your own powerlessness reminded them of a pup. So they did what they thought was best and attempted to sooth you like a pup. 

Gently holding you in their arms they slowly rocked you back and forth, and purred loudly. The sound rumbled straight from their chest into yours. You didn't appreciate being babied, but you could hardly argue. It worked like a charm. You were calm and sleepy in just a few minutes. 

At that your lover carried you over to your bed and climbed in. They kept you pressed against them knowing that you sought comfort from them. But the truth is that they sought comfort from you as well. They sealed the deal with a kiss. Or more an approximation of a kiss. Their mandibles cradled your forehead and their upper row of teeth gently made contact. You smiled. And allow yourself to fully relax, and sleep.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

am i the asshole for leading a guy on an low-key manipulating his feelings? (🐺 so i can find it later)

trigger warnings for mental health issues, family death, and suicide mentions.

title is kiiinda dramatic, i know. and i should be clear that i know that what i did was definitely wrong to a degree, but idk how messed up it was.

for context: i (19 f) was freshly seventeen and had just returned to in person school for my senior year after doing my junior year online at home. the majority of my best and only friend had forgotten me almost entirely and abandoned me despite our texting throughout my online year. new social circles had formed in my absence and i had a very difficult time readjusting, especially because i had come out of isolation with worsened anxiety, depression, and lowkey suicidal idealization. to top it all off, my grandfather who i adored had just died. i was desperately lonely and at the lowest i had ever been mentally in my entire life. i say this all not to excuse my actions but to provide some context as to why i acted the way i did.

so i meet this guy (i think like 15-16?) who we'll call finn. finn is a year below me but we share an elective class. we were initially drawn to each other bc we were both the only alt/geeky kids in the room and hit it off really well. and at first things are going pretty good; we eat lunch together every day, share music, talk about our interests etc. normal friend stuff.

but here's the part where i'm probably ta: finn had told me earlier on that he's the type to catch feelings super easy, so i guess i should've expected it, but he tells me that he has a crush on me. not directly though--he starts talking about this girl that he has feelings for but doesn't have the courage to confess to. and the first time he brought it up i didn't realize it was me and ofc tried to hype him up so he could confess and all that. but by the second conversation we have about it, it dawns on me that he's definitely talking about me. and i'm like "ah fuck," because the last person i wanted it to be was me--i'm mostly into girls, and also saw finn as a little brother more than anything else. but i keep hyping him up anyways saying stuff like "oh c'mon the worst she can do is say no! and even then you can at least move on with closure!"

so he takes my advice and confesses to me over text. i turn him down as politely as i can. which is where this whole thing should've ended tbh. but it didn't. his confession (even though it was over text) really endeared me and made me feel appreciated and beautiful in a way i never had been before. i'm not conventionally attractive + a plus size girl, and had never had anyone confess to me before, let alone say something as sincere and sweet as finn did to me. i was always the girl guys dared each other to ask out as a joke, yknow? it felt nice to know that someone saw me as desirable. again, this doesn't excuse my actions or justify them. just context.

so i decide that even though i know i'm not going to pursue anything with finn, i don't want him to lose interest in me either. so i start acting like i might be into him. tell him certain outfits make him look cute, go on and on about how much i love his hair (he really did have nice hair tbh), lean in a little closer when we talked, and constantly reassure him that he'd get a gf soon because good-looking, sweet and funny guys like him don't stay single for long.

he definitely notices bc he (again over text) asks if it's ok to be more physical when we interact. like can he hold my hand if we walk down the hall or whatever. this is definitely where i should've stopped, but i didn't. i kept up the pseudo-flirting bullshit.

and then he confesses (you guessed it! over text) for a second time, insisting that he really thinks that i like him back now. i tell him i don't know what he's talking about but that i'm happy to keep being friends with him. again, i don't stop the flirting-that's-not-quite-flirting.

this continues all the way until the end of the year. he tells me before i graduate that he really cares for me and doesn't want to lose touch after i leave. i promise him we won't. at this point i'd realized the gravity of my actions and had come to regret the way i treated finn, and decided the best course of action was to let our friendship fizzle out after i graduate. so i stop responding as frequently to him, he eventually stops reaching out until finally we lost contact and i delete his number.

i know that what happened was kinda fucked up, but how bad of a fuck up was this tumblr?

(secondary question: is this something that would've had a lasting impact on him and his view of relationships? i hope it isn't. i hope he forgot about me quickly. i hope he's doing better and has found someone who actually likes him.)

What are these acronyms?

[chrisbangswifey]

Soulmates - Han Jisung x reader

‼️ TRIGGER WARNING : anxiety, panick attacks‼️

Idol Han Jisung x Non Idol reader ( bestfriends ) (fluff)

Words count : 2,1k

♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡•♡

*click* *click* *click*

"...Hannie?.."

I touched the bed where he was supposed to be sleeping, but he was not there.As I open my eyes, I saw him standing by the end of the bed taking pictures of me sleeping.He noticed that I was awake and he started laughing.

"Haaann" I whine while still half asleep.

"Good morning sleeping beauty, ahahah" he laughed.

"Who gave you permission to take photos?" I asked while raising my eyebrow.

"Sorry Y/n. You looked so cute while sleeping. I wanted to capture the moment... by the way, I am your best friend,I don't need permission to take photos of you" he said proudly.I mocked his last words, which made us both start to laugh uncontrollably.Then he jumped on the bed landing on me and hugging me tight.

"I missed you so much" he whined

"I missed you too Hannie" I said while caressing his hair.

I wasn't weird for us to sleep in the same bed and have a lot of physical touch. The connection between us was very strong. Like our souls had already met in another lifetime. Seen from the outside, our friendship could've looked like a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship, but just thinking of him that way made me feel weird. He was like a big brother to me. We had a conversation in the past ,the first time somebody mistaken us for lovers, where we talked about what we really felt for each other, but we both agree that we saw each other just as friends. But that at the same time we were each others soulmate.I must've zoned out a little because Han's hand was waving in front of my face.

"Y/n...are you there?" I heard him say.

"Oh...I just got lost in my thoughts" I laughed.

At that, he hugged me tighter.

"Well...I need you to stay present. It's not common that we get to spend this much time together" he said while getting up and sitting against the wall behind the bed while tapping on the spot beside him, telling me to sit next to him.

This time, he would spend an entire month with me. It was unusual because of his job. He didn't have much time to travel, and since I lived kinda far from Korea , we couldn't see each other in person that much. But we would videocall everyday , even if our schedules were full , we would find even 5 minutes to just say goodmorning or goodnight.

"What do you want to to today?" He asked.

"I want to take you to my favorite ice cream place" I responded.

"Omg yess. I was craving something sweet" he said while smiling.

I couldn't resist his smile, so I pinched his cheeks.

"Mmm stop y/n...it hurts" he mumbled.

"You know I can't resist ahhahah" I said while laughing.

[ 2 hours later]

We got out of my house headed to the ice cream shop. When we arrived Han looked like a child at Disneyland. There were so many flavors to choose from,I couldn't blame him. It took us a while to decide, but after we did we sat down at a table facing a big window where you could see the beach.

"You really spent 20 minutes choosing a flavor and ended up choosing strawberry?" I teased hum

"I was so confused...I choosed the safest option" he said seriously.

I laughed and Han gave my a side eye

"I definitely think your right though. I also choosed a safe option" I said.

"Then why were you laughing?" He frowned.

" 'Cause you looked so serious about it ahahha" I said while laughing. Which made him start laughing too.

After we finished our ice creams, we took a walk down the seaside. He wasn't afraid to get recognised. Where I lived not many people knew what K-pop or Stray Kids were, so he felt safe not having to hide. "It was good feeling like a normal person" he told me the first time he came to my hometown. And I was happy to hear those words. I really wanted him to feel the safest possible. I never treated him any differently because of his job and his fame. He was just Han, the cute, goofy and most precious person in the entire world. He made me feel safe too. He never judge me for having anxiety and panick attacks. Because he was experiencing them too and people most of the time misunderstood him.

* flashback*

I still remember vividly the first time we met. It was my first time visiting South Korea and I was by myself. While walking through the city, I stopped at a crossroad feeling the anxiety take control of my body. People were pushing me, but I was unable to move. The caos and the loud noises of Seoul triggered an anxiety attack. Suddenly I felt a hand taking mine and helping me cross the road and taking me to a much quieter zone. I looked up wanting to thank the person who helped me and when I saw his face I immediately recognised him. But I decided not to say anything.

"Thank you" I said, while a sob left my mouth. I didn't even realise I had started to cry.

"It's okay. It had happened to me too. I recognised what was happening and I couldn't help myself. I had to take you to a safer place" he said gently while handing me a tissue.

"What's your name?" He asked me.

"I'm Y/n...Nice to meet you" I responded.

"I'm...H-Han" he said hesitant. He didn't know whether he was allowed to say his name if I didn't recognise him.

I smiled at him.

"Thank you so much again" I said

"You're welcome...I was headed to a convenient store...uhm...come with me I want to make sure you're fully okay" he said taking my hand and starting to walk to the destination.Arrived at the convenient store he grabbed some instant noodles and then I turned to me.

"Take whatever you want...it's on me" he smiled.

I wasn't hungry so I grabbed a water bottle...and I didn't want to look like I was taking advantage of him, even though he didn't know yet that I knew who he was. I had been a Stay for a year, but I wasn't the kind of fan that would jump on them If they ever met them. I knew they were humans like the rest of us and needed privacy.He grabbed my wrist gently after paying and he sat down at a table inside the convenient store. And he started making his noodles.

"Are you sure you just want water?" He asked.

"Yes...I'm not really hungry after what happened...I don't really know why it happened...I thought it stopped" I said while lowering my head and playing nervously with the water label.

"Hey...it's okay. You can't predict something like that. I'm glad I could help you" he said and then he smiled at me.

I smiled back, his smile was so contagious I couldn't help it

"See you are smiling now...you are okay...everything it's okay. You're safe" he said.

After that we talked for a while until it was time for him to leave.

"Are you sure you know the way to your hotel?" He asked.

I took my phone out of my bag

"I think I got it...I have Naver map" I said while opening the app.

"Ehm...your phone case..." he said frowning

Oh shit, I had a Stray kids photo card in my phone case

"Well...uhm...I recognised you from the start but I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable...I know people can be crazy sometimes knowing who you are...I didn't want to...I don't know...I'm so sorry..." I mumbled. I felt my face turning red and tears about to start running through my face.

"Hey...hey. It's okay...I understand...don't worry about it...guess I won't have to hide from you" he responded while stroking my arm.

"Is it really okay? I understand if you are mad at me" a tear left my eye.

He wiped it and smiled

"I'm actually thankful that you didn't say anything...you could've told me though...I wasn't going to run away. You treated me with respect the whole time. And didn't take your phone out or acted crazy" he consoled me. "It really okay, I'm not mad at you" he continued.

I smiled shyly.

"Well...it's time for me to go. Uhm...can I have your number? I wanna check on you later, see if you arrived safe and sound" he said.

"Yeah sure" I smiled.

I gave him my number and then we hugged goodbye.

A couple of hours latee I got a text from a unknown number.

*unknown number* : Hi :) it's Han. Are you at the hotel? Hope you're safe. Just wanted to thank you again for treating me like a normal person.

Goodnight x.

That was the first of many texts. After that night we never stopped talking and   we became bestfriends...he became the best thing that ever happened to me.

* end of flashback *

" Y/n look. A playground! Can we go?" Han asked me with puppy eyes

"Of course my son" I mocked him

He sticked his tongue out and starter running towards the swings.Seconds later I was beside him but he pulled my shirt and asked

"Can you push me?"

"How can I say no to you?" I laughed.

We spent an hour at the playground and since it was dark already we decided to head back home.

While on the way home I felt like somebody was following us.

"Do you feel something weird?" I asked him.

"Uhm yes...I didn't want to bring it up 'Cause I didn't know If you felt it too" he said.

I looked around and saw that a group of teen girls was following us.

"There's a group of people following us...just walk faster so we can get further from them. Maybe they are not actually following us" I said nervously.

Not even the time to say that, that they starded shouting repeatedly

"Han, Han Jisung is that you? Can we have a picture?"

I felt so mad in that moment...why people don't understand the word "privacy" !?

I felt Han's hand take mine ad as soon my eyes locked with his , I knew what was happening. He was having a panick attack.

"Hannie please stay with me for a second. We are gonna run away from them.Don't worry" I said while I squeezed his trembling hand harder.

I started running while our hands were intertwined literally dragging Han behind me. I knew I had to look for a safe place. A couple of meters after I found a short cut that led to my house. We finally stopped after I made sure they were not following us anymore.

He was shaking, staring at a blank point.

"Hannie can you hear me?" I asked while taking his hands.

He nodded.

"You are okay now...you can feel my hand in yours. You are safe with me." I said calmly while putting one of his hands where his heart was.

"Concentrate on your heartbeat and on my hand squeezing yours"

He did as I said. And after a couple of minutes his breathing was back to normal.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I think so...I didn't expect to have such an intense reaction" he whispered

"Hey" I said while lifting his face so he could look at me "It's not your fault. And you're safe with me. You always are. You know?" I smiled

"Yes...thank you y/n" he smiled.

"Aaawweee...here we go. My beautiful smiley boy is back" I said while hugging him. He returned the hug giggling.

"Let's go back home" I suggested

"Can we cuddle?" He asked

"Of course Ji" I said

We returned home safely. I knew that it would take a while for us to go outside comfortably again after what happened. But I was okay with it. My bestfriend's mental health came before anything else. I wanted him to feel as save as he could possibly feel.

A hug took me back to reality.

"Thank you y/n for always making me feel safe" He whispered.

I turned around to hug him properly

"You know I would give my life for you" I said to him. Then I kissed his cheek.

"I love you so much Hannie" I whispered.

"I love you too" he responded.

[hx4x4enthusiast]

Two sparks and a drumming heart

Part 2 (1560 words)

Part 1: https://www.tumblr.com/jorico/718189896394735616/two-sparks-and-a-drumming-heart-ship-optimus-x?source=share

Ship: Optimus x gender-neutral reader x Ratchet

Fic category: hurt/comfort

Trigger Warning: Self-Harm, Depression, mention of past suicide attempt,

“Speech”

-Commlink conversation-

kursiv=thought

Warmth covered my sore body and a gentle humming, greeted me as I slowly arose out of my sleep. Trying to wake up, as my still sleepy brain tries to piece together where I am and what happened. My inner thoughts get interrupted by a yawn, as I stretch myself, sit up and drowsily look around me. Looking around, I am greeted with the sight of a dark and seemingly empty room. Confused on how I got here, I realize that I sit on something, the same something I apparently slept on. My hands touch the comfortable warm surface, and it feels like several warm metal plate. Squinting my eyes, I spot two big masses, one on my right the other on my left. Letting my eyes drift over them two pairs of blue orbs greet me.

 “Woah what the hell.”

“It seems our little troublemaker is awake, Optimus.”

 One of the voices rumbles and it takes me a moment to realize that the big mass on my right is Ratchet.

 “Huh Ratchet?”

“Yes, that would be my designation.”

“Where am I, what happened, who is…”

 A yawn yet again interrupted my sentence. Ready to continue I was abruptly blinded by a bright light. I squirmed trying to hide back in the warm little cave I awoke in. That caused two deep rumbles to sound through the room. My little sleep cave was broken apart and I found myself lifted, blinking my eyes repeatedly helped adjusting to the bright light and I saw Ratchet lying on his helm propped up by one of his servos looking at me. Confused I turned around, only to be greeted by the sight of a red chest with big front windows. Craning my neck, I am met with the leader of the autobots himself gently looking down on me.

  “Good morning little archivist, I hope you had a peaceful recharge.”

“Huh uh yes I think so?”

“Well, that was an intelligent answer.”

“Ratchet, I love you but please shut up I am really not a morning person.”

“While I understand humans are, sensitive in the morning please do refrain from using unnecessary language, dear.”

“Ok, I am sorry Optimus.”

 The prime nodded contend with the answer given by the human in his palm. Before growing concerned looking to his conjux.

 -Ratchet, I fear our little archivist is going to remember soon what transpired yesterday.-

-I am aware Optimus, I have sedative on the ready they won’t send them to sleep but calm them down, do we can talk to them, tough I would like to use that as a last resort.-

-I understand. We can only hope that the “spark sound” as Miko called it, is enough to keep our little archivist calm.-

 Said human rearranged their sitting position. A sudden thought crossing his mind.

 “Hey guys, quick question, not that I didn’t enjoy sleeping here, cause like hands down, best sleep I had in a long time. But like how did I end up here and more importantly why am I here anyway.”

 I raked my brain trying to remember what happened yesterday, but my brain was freaking useless in the morning. Goddamit, I need coffee, with milk. Rubbing my temples, I start to remember feeling exhausted, both mentally and physically, yesterday. But the question is why? Looking up I see Ratchet and Optimus exchanging glance between each other and me. Like I am about to do run away or hurt myself. My thoughts come to an abrupt stop, memories of what happened yesterday flood my brain. A horrified expression overtakes my facial expression, I look up to Optimus and Ratchet slapping a hand over my mouth.

 Tears started streaming down my face as I realize what happened yesterday. Two pairs of arms gently circle around my body, giving me Anchor points, to ground myself. The embrace was gentle yet firm, helping me ease my anxiety. The mechs had mass displaced to be closer to me.

 “Shh, little spark, we are not mad at you.”

“You handled the situation as best as you could in that moment, there lies no fault in that.”

“You are strong, but you must be exhausted. You have been strong for a long time.”

“But you are safe now little archivist. We swore to protect you, be that from the Decepticons or the demons of your mind. That still holds true, know you’re not alone little spark.”

“Yes, I am. Everyone I care about always fucking leaves. I give so much, and I am so bloody tired of it. I make sure everyone eats and drinks enough, help with small injuries, listen when someone has a problem. But it is never enough people still leave. And when I trust someone enough to let them see the real me, to see that all of this is just a broken worthless fucking mess, they leave and I am left alone, having to put myself together again. I have managed to get through my entire life, I can take care of myself. Cause God forbit I am not able to meet the requirements set for me. So don’t you dare pretend that you care. “

 After basically pouring my heart out, I level Optimus with a heated glare. Screaming, defensive statements, judgemental and condescending speeches. That’s what I expected, that’s what always happen. I am a spoiled brat, I have an attitude problem, stop wailing I can’t understand you. Those are the things I hear every time I pour my heart out.

One servo reaches around my upper back and the other under my legs, and I am gently lifted into a big warm chassis. My head is just above Optimus spark chamber and I hear the gentle humming of his spark. Confused I just let Optimus do what he, well currently does. Ratchet carefully approaches me like one would a scared animal. Looking down on my hand and back up into my eyes, silently asking for permission to hold my hands. I nod and gently Ratchet takes my hands in his servos and holds them.

 “I apologise.”

 Wait did, did Optimus just apologise to me why, he didn’t do anything wrong, I screamed at him. I did something wrong I am the problem. Why aren’t they screaming at me why are they so gentle? This is not how this is supposed to go why aren’t they following the script.

 “We never wanted to make you feel like you needed to shoulder all of these Problems alone, little archivist.”

“What Optimus says holds truth, you were always there so we unintentionally always put all burdens on you. But you are still young, you shouldn’t have to shoulder everyone’s burdens and yours atop of that, alone.”

 I blinked switching between looking at Optimus and Ratchet. Both noticed my looks and gazed at me equally confused.

 “Hu, what.”

“Is everything alright, little spark?”

“Did we say something wrong?”

“You’re not following the script.”

 I mumbled not even realizing I said my thoughts out loud. It was Ratchets and Optimus time to look at me confused. This time Ratchet started speaking in a confused tone.

 “What script, little one?”

“You are not mad at me? You’re not gonna scream at me? Telling me that I am a cry-baby?”

“What? By Primus no who would do something like that. Emotional reaction no matter their nature a natural occurrence. Why would we or anyone berate you for that.”

 Ratchet huffed out unable to understand why anyone would say such harmful things. As a medic he was well aware that words can have an immense influence on a patient’s mental stability.

 “Little archivist, did you expected us to follow a certain pattern, and through our action we didn’t follow your expected script and now you are unsure on how to proceed and what to expect.”

 Optimus asked in a gentle tone, hitting the nail on the head. All I could do was nod.

 “I see. You can be sure that we will listen to you without judgement and help so that you may feel safe. We will not leave you alone.”

“Yeah, your stuck now with a self-sacrificing leader and a grumpy medic, little spark.”

 That caused a giggle to escape me, hearing Ratchet refer to himself as grumpy was pretty funny. Looking up again I am met with the gentle and relieved expressions on the two mechs faceplates.

 “Little archivist, we are aware that this is a lot to ask of you, but could you promise us something?”

“Come to us with your problems, we know that this is not easy, and we don’t expect you to immediately put all your trust in us. But maybe with small steps we get there.”

“If you have any thoughts or maybe already wounds from self-harm, please do come to one of us. You don’t need to say anything, just coming to us is appreciated.”

“I… I will try. I can… can’t make a… any promi…. promises but I will at least try.

“Thank you dear, that’s all we ask for.”

 Ratchet comes closer and I find myself yet again in a warm hug. Tough this time without any fear or hurt. I think for the first-time things may be alright, maybe I can finally trust someone. Though one thought sticks, I will not be alone anymore.

[antiradqueer]

Okay, allow me to tell you this story, because I literally just got back from school because I got sick BECAUSE of this story (it's not that bad actually, I'm pretty sensitive to these things, but it's still interesting)

So, there is a blog (that I prefer not to name) that is very famous among the community of my identity. I saw all my favorite blogs interacting with this blog and this blog has even interacted with ME (and they are so famous that I felt like I was talking to a celebrity that day)

But, I had never taken the initiative to follow them. Out of shame, since I felt they were a VERY important person and I am extremely sensitive to criticism (especially from people I consider important).

Well, I overcame all my shame and started following them a few days ago. I noticed that in their pinned post there was nothing about opinions on radqueers but since they always interact with my favorite blogs that are openly anti-transid and anti-c and vice versa, I just thought it was kind of obvious, like, I think being anti-PRATs is the "standard opinion", right?

Well, that went on for some time. Very little time, in fact. In less than two days, I noticed that their account simply disappeared from the list of people I followed. I was scared thinking that the account had been suspended, but I was suspicious that that wasn't the problem... And in fact it wasn't, they blocked me.

Well, it's not like I'm some horrible monster who would punish them for it or smth, but I was bothered by what I could have done to make this happen. I have never been blocked in my life, and by such an important person? I know being blocked on Tumblr isn't something you should take personally, but without any discussion? I don't wanted but took it personally, and that's what triggered my super-strong-anxiety-attack that made me feel sick today.

So, for that reason, I decided to check their pinned post again, see if I missed anything, violated any limits (unintentionally) or something, and then I logged in under another account, but I didn't find anything. But, of course, I still wanted to see their posts, and I kept seeing them (even though every time I remembered that anxiety and wondered if I was too horrible to be blocked by someone so amazing).

Then, checking out this blog of theirs and some other sideblogs (sorry, I know what I did sounds terrible, and it really was, but I became so obsessed with what I could have done, maybe this is my possible AvPD but I'm not sure), I found two very interesting things...

First, a post that started with "hey antis" (🚩?) and then went on to say that assuming that all transid or paraphilic people should "see a psychologist/psychiatrist" is the same as assuming that people with other disorders have to go to therapy to "cure themselves" and only then be allowed to live in society. And, in fact, if you think of "transid" as meaning, in this specific case, BIID or Munchausen (I'm not sure if that's how you spell it but I believe you know what I'm talking about), and think that paraphilic disorders still are disorders, it's a good point to make, so I didn't mind so much... But I was a little more alert.

So the second one was posted on the main blog, and it was simply they saying that "transid ppl are not racists or ableists, and most antis are ableists because they think being transid is a disorder and still shame people for it" and... Yeah, I think that concludes the story. I felt sick today because of the anxiety of the other days, but more than that, I can't stop thinking about it. It's like my whole world has fallen apart. Such a loved person in my community... and they simply support transid. Crying, screaming even.

TL;DR: there is this super famous blog in my identity community and I finally overcame my shame and started following them a few days ago, but I was blocked days later. I started looking at their blog (and sideblogs) to see why they blocked me, and I found, on a sideblog, a post saying "hey antis" and arguing that transids shouldn't be forced to go to therapy, and after forgiving that one, I found another post on their main blog, and this time it was just them saying that antis are ableists because "they think being transid is a disorder and they still persecute transid ppl".

sorry for the late answer

long ass ask so imma just let others read

[schizopositivity]

Hey so like

The only times I've ever really heard people talk about schizophrenia being hard is how others are affected by it, how it's "creepy/bad/evil/scary", etc

Can you talk about the stuff that's been really difficult for you in your personal experience without it just being through the lens of how it affects others?

Thank you :)

this is gonna be a long one cause schizophrenia is very complex so im gonna break it down by symptoms and how it affects me

TW: demon, self harm, suicide attempts, csa/sa mention, death mention, delusions

•hallucinations: these were at their worst when i wasnt on antipsychotics when i was a teenager, would see little monsters running around that made me really afraid and question reality. but what i most commonly saw/felt/heard wad this demon thing that was sorta representive of a grim reaper. it would tell me that self harming would help me and i listened. it made me really scared and sad all the time. this went on for about a year and i didnt tell anyone. it had a grip on my shoulders and followed me around all the time. i cant stress enough how scared it made me. sometimes it would get loud and id panic and black out, and then get "woken up" by my mom shed find me hiding and shaking under a table. it told me i had to end my own life and i attempted twice, one of the times required hospitalization and after a psych ward (which finally got me on the antipsychotics i needed). since then the hallucinations have calmed down and i dont see the demon anymore but i do hear similar things, now i just try my best to ignore it. its more annoying than scary. like feeling a poke on my shoulder at work and having to not react cause the stigma of showing symptoms. or like seeing scary faces in everyday things and just being like "huh weird" or hearing very mean or threatening things and thinking "thats obviously not actually what im thinking, id never do something like that", hallucinations still suprise me all the time especially the first few seconds of it, but now i have the experience where i can ignore it after that

•delusions: the biggest delusion i have that i still have to this day is very much influenced by my trauma of being the victim of csa and sa literally too many times to count, i truly believe that i was made to be abused and it will happen for the rest of my life, no matter what people tell me i always will not fully trust people and think they will abuse me at any moment, when people look at me i think they are planning how to abuse me, this is such a deeply held belief and it causes me anxiety and triggers my cptsd. it makes me feel very exposed and inhuman like a piece of meat it sucks. some other delusions ive had are that im the reincarnation of kurt cobain and that im gonna be rich and famous with no plans on how to make that happen. these felt good when i was in them and horrible when i snapped out of it. i kinda miss them.

•avolition: i struggle with this a lot. i have to be told to do tasks otherwise i dont do them. i never know when or how to do daily tasks. even if i can recognize that something has to be done i have no clue what steps to take to complete that task. like when i was the only one running the nursery at a spiritual center and id see kids crying id think "someone should do something about that" even though its me that has to do something. i struggle to maintain personal hygeine, do house chores or take care of my cats. if im not directly told to do it ill just let it fester. i do well at my job because im always told exactly what to do and how to do it. this symptom makes me feel lazy, childish and stupid. because of this i dont think ill ever be able to live on my own. i am dependent on other people to show or tell me what to do to take care of myself, my house and my cats.

•flat affect: this symptom makes me feel broken. like when my favorite grandpa died and i couldnt cry. it made me question my love for him. im constantly questioning my own feelings (even though im feeling them) just because my face and voice dont match what im feeling. ive fully thought that im unfeeling or unhuman because of this. i also get accused of lying a lot because of my flat affect. and i hate being accused of lying cause when i defend myself they dont believe me and there no winning.

•anhedonia: this really sucks. i used to really love doing art and playing guitar and now it feels like a chore. this is loss of pleasure in things that used to make you happy. it just makes me sad and feel like theres nothing i can do to change it. this makes me feel hopeless and useless.

•memory loss: i forgot most of what happened this year like valentines day with my partner (my first valentines day with a partner), my birthday, my partners birthday, my friends birthdays, i forgot them all and i feel like a terrible person because of it. this makes me feel dumb and careless. but i do care so much but i just cant remember so much important events. this also shows itself in smaller ways, forgetting what ive said to people, forgetting what ive bought, forgetting the last sentance ive read in a book so often that it makes reading nearly impossible.

•prosopagnosia: i cant recognize faces and mix them up often. this shows itself most with celebreties i constantly mix them up or think two different people are one person. i also dont always recognize my own face and i feel like a stranger to myself.

•consintration issues: i have a lot of trouble consintrating on things unless they are intresting to me, which because of anhedonia is not much. its hard for me to hold conversations with people and stay in focus. i feel like a terrible person when im not able to focus or remember what people have said.

•thinking issues: i have trouble thinking clearly a lot. its either i have too many thoughts at the same time, or my thoughts feel slow or empty. this makes me feel stupid.

•speach issues: i have trouble talking a lot of time. ill think im responding but im silent. it makes me feel mean and careless. when i do talk its usually short sentances. i very rarley actually talk a lot even to people im close to.

•fatigue/impaired motor function: i need so much rest in between activities just to function. i feel lazy a lot of the time. i also sometimes have trouble with normal motor function like sometimes when im walking it turns shaky and uncoordinated.

•amnesia: this showed itself most before i was on antiosychotics, when id black out often and find myself hiding under something. now it doesnt show up as much. this makes me feel confused and unaware of what i was doing or how i was acting when i was blacked out.

•isolation/social withdrawl: this showed itself more before i was on antipsychotics. i believed that everyone i knew was plotting against me and i had to be alone to stay safe. i now know thats not true but i still struggle to keep in touch with friends and family. most of the time ill see a text and completely forget to reply and people think im ignoring them. this once again makes me feel careless and mean. i really do care about the people in my life but i just have trouble staying connected.

theres probably more that i forgot but this is what comes off the top of my head. most of the struggles of schizophrenia affect me and not other people.

[clarynewme]

Hi beautiful, here for the reading💅💅 Saw you on my feed and really feel your positive energy💙💙💙 Sorry for your disease, i don't know much about it but feel like it's eye-related problem? Please take care and take your time for the reading🫶🫶

Birth Date: December 23, 2002

Birth Time: 5:42 AM

Birth Place: Zhengzhou, China

Thanks for your time. Looking forward to your reply🥰🥰🥰

Hi😊💕💋🥰

It's complicated😅 The disease originated from a flu/virus it affects the nerves in your body, particularly those that control eye movements and coordination. In my case it affected the vestibular, oculomotor, facial nerves and TMJ/ATM. Basically I can only see from a close distance so I am using my phone to do the readings (slower rhytm); I can't stand up without losing balance, when I am walking I have to hang on to a wall or something/someone otherwise I fall; I also experience dizziness/vertigo, a bit of hearing loss with a buzzing ringing on my right ear; face contracts a bit; etc. This all happened when I was finishing my bachelor degree, about to start my master degree so I stopped going to college.

And now I am here lol (I am doing physical therapy of all aspects but there is a lot of ups/downs due to trigger points)

Anyways that's enough of storyline/drama😅

READING

For your reading I am going to use mostly vedic astrology.

In D1 chart taurus jupiter is transiting your 7th house taurus with rahu this indicates you might meet your fs or long term partner this year, maybe through travel/education or he could be a foreigner or from a different culture/ethnicity/religion (rahu influence); through business together(7th house).

Moreover Pisces/virgo Rahu/ketu is transiting your pisces 5th house of dating/romance. It's likely that this will happen suddenly and/or fast👀.

(However with saturn in aquarius transiting your 4th house could delay the relationship maybe because you feel stuck at home or something about your home environment.)

NOTE1: Taurus jupiter is transiting until next year 9 june 2025 so 2025 is a good chance as well.

MOON CHART (considering moon as rising)

Since you've asked about travelling/studying abroad you actually have jupiter taurus transiting your taurus rahu 9th house (higher education/travelling) so that is a strong indicator.

D9 CHART

In your D9 7th lord mars is in pisces 6th house being affected by rahu pisces transit your spouse might be experiencing health issues, anxiety (rahu in 6th house of health), conflicts/arguments in the work environment, complex emotions/thoughts about his feelings/desires, expanding his views on spirituality, etc.

Jupiter (significator of spouse) is transiting your taurus rahu 8th house possibly meeting a longterm partner through a transformative/intense period of your life (dreams, manisfestation, occult, twinflame energy, are relevant).

Now aquarius saturn is transiting your 5th house Aquarius jupiter, this could indicate serious relationships, online connections, working creatively with discipline, learning and having fun together, engaging in social communities, sharing interests/passions.

D7 CHART

Looking at your D7 chart you have rahu + mars/ketu in aquarius/leo in 8th/2nd house being affected by aquarius saturn transit indicating that you will go through a very transformative period in your life, letting go of ego/personal pride/self expression, material possesions/ superficial connections/creative values or goals  vs engaging in social endeavours, spirituality and deep connections, healing your traumas and fears related to intimacy and vulnerability this year.

You also have pisces venus in 9th house being affected by rahu pisces transit which portrays falling in love in foreign lands with different people, travelling abroad, loving/learning other cultures and philosophies, higher education, changing your beliefs, etc. (strong confirmation of  your fs or longterm partner being a foreigner)

When jupiter, saturn, rahu/ketu are transiting in the same or opposite sign of sun, saturn, rahu/ketu in D7 chart it indicates a major event might happen during this time of your life like meeting your future spouse or a partner, engagement, pregnancy, career,success,fame, breakup, divorce, moving out, etc.(This technique is by Camila Regina from tiktok).  

DASHA/TIME PERIODS

You are currently running ketu-venus dasha from 2023 till october 2024 (venus is your 7th lord and means love). I am leaning towards eclipse season in september pisces  affecting your 5th house and also the solar eclipse virgo in october.

Then you have also have good chances in 2025 when gemini jupiter transits over your gemini saturn darakaraka(spouse); saturn in pisces will transit your 5th house in D1 chart ( serious dating/relationships);

Jupiter in cancer will transit your D1 cancer jupiter in 19 october👀 conjunct your moon in 9th house this will bring you luck in higher learning/foreign lands, travelling, you will feel happier "at home", more emotional, comfortable, creative, inspired; expanding your beliefs/family (supportive friends)/intuition/spirituality, seeking knowledge, personal growth/healing; potential marriage partner meeting.

If you want to know specific time periods from 2025 (I will send you pictures) or more you can DM me. 

NOTE2: Remember that we might have many soulmates and potential long term partners.

SOLAR RETURN

From the conversation we've had before I am going to use solar return of 2024/2025.

From the 7th lord sign and 7th house energy we can see what kind of person you will meet,  probably one of his big 3 placements and how your relationship would be.

You actually have 7th house Capricorn with venus which means this would be a serious romantic connection based on  affection, security, loyalty, career, financial stability, responsibility, status, reputation, respect, discussions about work and goals you wish to accomplish, working together, etc. He could be your coworker, boss, menthor or employee or older/wiser than you, romantic, attractive, loyal, reliable, hardworking, goal oriented, ambitious, strong, persistent, mature, strict, serious, controlling, possessive; his love language could be acts of service, physical touch and spoiling gifts; you guys might share same values and professional ambitions/goals; might be a slow burn romance, coworkers to lovers, etc.

With 7th lord aquarius saturn in your 8th house confirms the financial energy, shared resources, joint ventures, inheritances and transformation. Intimacy is also prominent. You could discuss about innovative ideas around finances and make pratical plans to help each other. He could be wise, mature, stable, hardworking, intense, unique, have unconventional ideas/values related to intimacy and finances, spiritual, open minded, supportive, intelligent, psychic, deep, intuitive,  could have older or wiser friends; values stability, intimacy, solitude, spirituality, freedom, money ; strict, serious, went through ups and downs in life, etc. Could be ambivert, only truly opens up to his loved ones, aloof , controlling and pessimistic if not managed. Could have intimacy issues or be afraid of deep connections.You can have a psychic/intense/deep connection,  intuitively knowing what the other is thinking. You can do artistic projects together, do meditation together or spiritual practices, night dates, go out with friends, go to the night club, participate in activism, charities, shopping together, spoiling gifts, physical touch, intimacy, conversations under the moonlight, sharing secrets, communicating about feelings/trauma/fears, etc. ( 8th house can also represent karmic/soulmate/twinflame connections.) With saturn in 8th house it could be slow burn romance (delay in advancing in the bedroom) and/or friends to lovers.

However on a negative way could show possessiveness, jealousy, money loss/delay, control/health issues, codependency, oversensitivity, exploitation, power struggles, depression, anxiety, solitude, detachment, fear of vulnerability, deception(lies/secrets), expectations, high standards, third party issues between friends or other coworkers, controversy, affair etc.

Balance between solitude and partnerships is crucial as well communication to overcome traumas/fears.

These aspects I had to research a bit more:

Now 7th lord capricorn venus is aspecting  cancer mars in 1st house by 7th aspect so this can show difficulties in balancing the emotional needs, personal desires, romantic need, professional  responsibilities, (you might prioritize work over relationships or emotions); one of you might not understand the other person feelings/desires or express his feelings towards the other causing misunderstandings and heated arguments (crying a lot); power struggles one might control the other, etc.

This could be eased by communicating openly, evaluating priorities, compromise when it comes to love languages, etc.

One of his big 3 placements could be same or opposite sign of 7th lord so aquarius or leo. (If you meet him before your birthday he could have libra/aries)

DARAKARAKA

In regards to your gemini mrigashira saturn Darakaraka in 8th house  your spouse could embody these characteristics: wealthy, intense, blunt, serious, mature, practical, striking, persuasive, transformative, intelectual, emotional but has dificulty expressing them, curious, communicative, flirty,  charming, dualistic, flexible, serious, spiritual,intuitive communicator, writer, psychic; values occult, spirituality, learning, seeking the truth, knowledge; financial manegement skills, mysterious, researcher, jealous, ups/downs in life, possesive, etc.

DK is aspecting Sagittarius sun and mercury in 2nd house by 7th aspect which indicates  issues around finances and resources, personal values/beliefs, vulnerability and superficiality, freedom and codependency ; one might not be able to express himself, his thoughts; power struggles, etc.

JUPITER

Jupiter is also significator of spouse/marriage, your jupiter is in cancer Ashlesha conjunct pushya moon so your spouse/marriage could embody these characteristics: emotional, nurturing, protective,supportive, transformative, intense, sexy, attractive, creative, intuitive, intelligent, mysterious, wise, nurturing, caring, close to mother/family, generous,  mommy issues, overgiving, loves travelling, philosophy and cooking, takes care of other people, stable , values family traditions, possessive, jealous,  oversensitive, etc.

7TH LORD D1

Your 7th lord vishakha libra venus conjunct swati mars it's in 12th house. This means your fs or longterm partner could be a foreigner, beautiful, sensual, dreamy, hot, passionate,intense/complex, transformative, famous, attractive, well dressed, influential, determined, independent, ambitious, creative, romantic, possessive, fair, flexible, respected, business oriented, creative, teasing, flirty, loves spirituality/arts/fashion/philosophy/water activities(swimming)/freedom/solitude; This also shows a strong focus on creative partnerships and doing business together maybe in foreign countries or with foreigners, etc.

7th lord is aspecting taurus rohini rahu by 6th aspect that shows an unconventional relationship (different backgrounds or culture, religion, etc) with a strong desire for stability, peace, balance, equality and shared ambitions/goals.

7TH LORD D9  

7th lord in D9 nakshatra and sign could also show future spouse characteristics and how will be the marriage.

You have 7th lord mars in pisces revati there is an emphasis on emotions, romance, passion, spirituality and creativity in this connection (you have be careful to not escape from reality and high expectations) . Spouse can be dreamy, attractive, caring, supportive, nurturing, charming, intelligent, generous, overgiving, oversensittive, emotional, intense, passionate, ambitious, hardworking, assertive, good advisor, have conflict resolution skills, curious, talented, creative, intuitive, wise, dualistic, compassionate, communicative, flirty, agressive( emotional burst of anger), etc.

APPEARANCE + CAREER + SYMBOLISM

When it comes to appearance fs would have beautiful unique/exotic or exagerated features (ex:large eyes), different culture maybe; beautiful defined large hips/butt; symetrical/balanced features; beautiful feet/legs; muscular; defined legs; thin arms; thin sharp flexible private parts; prominent hands; pouty features; average to tall height; have reddish or dark features; piercings/tattoos (hips/butt/neck); attractive neck; etc (You can find more from Camila Regina tiktok🤌)

For your future spouse career I am trying out this tecnique the 10th sign from 7th lord in D1 or D9 could indicate possible fields: 

D1 Cancer (moon +jupiter) so anything related to healthcare, social service, education, hospitality management, creative arts, spirituality/religion, real estate, construction, nutrition, wellness, public relations and communications, psychotherapy, life coaching, etc

D9 Sagittarius anything related to spirituality, philosophy, law, teaching  education, travel, tourism, adventure, entrepreneur, social/community service, research, academic, media and communication, etc

Regarding your meeting, pay attention to symbolisms of these signs: 

Aries:  they could approach you first, Ram, horns, physical/body, fight, sharp things, sports, gym, Computer Ram, fire, "first place" in, cars, race, fast things, etc

Sagittarius: horse, arrow, Bow, education, travel, foreign, OK cupid, shooting, spirituality, museum, adventure, risk, culture, college, etc.

Cancer: mother, family, home, house, crab, lake, lobster, car, showing up at your house, food, restaurant, hospital,nursing, foster home, etc 

Gemini: social media, online, siblings, friends, books, double date, duplicate, twins, writing, library, school, nervous, science, relatives, group, hands, pen, letter, etc

NOTE3: aries and Sagittarius from vedic chart ; cancer and gemini from tropical chart.

(This technique is by Camila Regina on tiktok💗)

Vedic Astrology placements D1/D9 (includes atmakaraka AK):

Aries/Libra/Gemini/Sagittarius/Capricorn/Cancer/Scorpio/Taurus

Saturn, venus, moon,mars, mercury, rahu nakshatras/influence

Okay I think I am done😅 I hope you like this reading if you do leave feedback on my page🙏 And let me know if it resonates👌it helps improving my readings🫶💜

[neurodiversebones]

I want to hear the ed + recovery thoughts. I want to hear them so badly. I have post notifications on for you and saw your post within a minute because of how much I love your thoughts.

should i be sleeping? yes i have to leave for work in exactly 8 hours (i said when i started this . as im finishing it we are looking at 7 hrs 15 min lol) . but i Have to Talk ! also just letting you know you almost made me CRY with this ask you guys are all genuinely so sweet and kind to me i cannot believe it 💗💐☀ i love you all :-((

OKAY gonna put this under a cut so anyone who doesn't wanna see ed related content can SCROLL AWAY ! gonna avoid being triggering but . protect ur peace and all that <3 also i wanna put out there that this is mostly based on my own experiences with seven years of various eating disorders so if you are reading this and it doesn't fit your idea or perception of ed's that may be why !

ok so the three main characters i have ed-related headcanons for are brennan, angela, and cam (before anyone comments that it's only the women . there is no correlation i promise . i am projecting and these are my Projection Characters .)

i hc brennan as having arfid and orthorexia-- arfid developed for her from a combination of sensory issues with food as well as food-related anxiety from foster care (not always having enough to eat, rarely having any choice in what she ate, food-related punishments within abusive homes). being avoidant is an easy way to ignore the anxiety and stress that comes along with eating, between her sensory issues and the fact that she wasn't given an opportunity to develop much of a healthy relationship with food. orthorexia also developed as a control mechanism, but later in life (around college age). it was the first time since her parents left that she had control over her life, and that included food-- she became very obsessive about what she was putting in her body, because it gave her some of that sense of control back. her obsession with being "healthy" allowed her to feel like she was the one in charge of her body for the first time since she was fifteen.

in regards to recovery, she really didn't realize she had a problem for ages. since she wasn't medically unstable or engaging in super obvious behaviours, she didn't see herself as suffering from an eating disorder at all. it wasn't until sweets pointed out her disordered eating habits that she realized there was anything wrong with what she was doing-- she brought it up to booth, who agreed, which culminated in a fairly major argument as she didn't see anything she was doing as "bad" or disordered, just "healthy" and "in control". after a Real Conversation though, she eventually accepted that she might have some sort of problem and started looking into it more. she is definitely still in recovery, as it is a very slow process after so many years of disordered eating, but she makes an effort to engage in things that scare the disordered part of her brain. her favourite memory in regards to this was getting *real* ice cream for the first time in god knows how long when her and angela were out with the kids <33

my headcanons in regard to angela's ed are very connected to my headcanon that she has bipolar disorder-- many of us with bipolar really struggle with disordered eating and i specifically hc angela as having bulimia. it started when she was a teenager and first starting to experience bipolar episodes-- when manic or depressed, it's incredibly easy to fall into b/p cycles. when she was manic, it was like a form of thrill seeking, and she didn't have the capacity to care for the destruction it was causing, and when depressed, it felt like she was putting her awful feelings into something physical. it was hard to express her emotions through words, so she used her body instead.

i think she entered recovery for the first time in her late teens (around 17) when her mental health hit like . rock bottom and her dad decided that they needed to do something about it. she got the treatment she needed, and also took time away from school to tour with her dad-- exploring the country and having so much time to just sit with her thoughts (especially now that they were a little easier to manage with medication) is what made her start doing art really seriously-- if she couldn't express her hurt with her body anymore, she was going to do it on a page, and she created some of her most beautiful paintings during that time that she is still very proud of to this day. she still has slip ups to this day when she is struggling with her episodes, but with hodgins and brennan she is much more capable of talking through it before it gets to a dangerous point of relapse.

as for cam's ed, i feel this is the one i've talked about the most before bc she is my comfort character in this aspect? i headcanon her to have anorexia, specifically restrictive subtype. for her it's a control and perfectionism thing, as well as a "growing up masking autism" thing. cam has a very perfectionist and obsessive personality type, and it's mostly directed toward herself. everything she does needs to be perfect to be enough, and she needs to feel in control at all times. food is one of the easiest ways to do this-- if she can control her body and the food she consumes, obsess over numbers and physical changes and symptoms, it makes her feel a little more at ease in her life because she feels she has *something* under her control. as for the masking thing, she often masked with hyperfemininity growing up-- she was praised frequently for being a "good girl", and part of keeping up that image was looking the "right" way (aka, thin). if she could keep up this image, people wouldn't notice the things that made her odd or how unnatural everything felt to her. it's another control thing, but with another layer to it.

cam took a *long* time to start real recovery. she had phases where it got less severe, even some to the point where she barely thought about it, but restriction and denial was always still a part of her mentality and routine. it wasn't until arastoo came along that she felt comfortable enough to explain her pain and her thoughts to another person-- she was always too scared to unload on anyone else, so she kept it a secret essentially her entire life. arastoo was the first person she trusted to listen without judgement, and he encouraged her to talk to her other friends and loved ones about it (all of whom were incredibly understanding and supportive). in a similar sense to brennan, recovery is really difficult for her, having struggled for so incredibly long and having her disorder be a part of her daily routine for the majority of her life. however, she tries incredibly hard-- arastoo is teaching her how to cook (she never learned) and she's learning to find the joy in food through that, and allowing herself to relax around it a little more <333

that is all !!!! wow this is so very long lol . i hope you enjoyed this it was cathartic for me

[riddle-me-ri]

also oops i saw you had sirens!riddler in there too and i haven't read that yet but i know what he looks like and he's another one who is apparently allergic to buttoning up his shirt (not a negative) so uh, in light of him being surrounded by other super hot girls, please afab/female reader who needs a bit of reassurance and is offered the line "that's it. that's my girl." 💜 (and also ily again u-u)

A/N: omg omg asdfgghjj to be told "that's my girl" by any of the green beans asdfgghhj I'd instantly melt on the spot. I took some liberty and changed the quote a tad because I'm a rule breaker u-u but the tone is still there. And YESSS PI Eddie! PI Eddie! This was the perfect way to destress after my breakdown yesterday rip. Also this ended up being so fuckin' sweet? Like I love this set-up I have going?? I wanna write another sequel? AGAIN? (ily too thanks so much for requesting you have the best ideas I stg)

Trigger Warnings: descriptions of an anxiety/panic attack, insecurities, strong language, overall hurt/comfort, and the comfort is extra sweet and soft

Word Count: 1.9 k

Gotham City Sirens!Riddler x F!Reader - That's My Girl

You were seething. 

It's a wonder your skin wasn't bubbling from how hot your blood was boiling. 

You were once again picking out leaves from your hair and sweeping thorns from under your desk. 

Another visit from Selina, Pamela, and Harley. A popular trio that's been dropping in like flies to their favorite dumpster.

Not a surprise there. They always came knocking on Edward's door whenever they were in the slightest bind and didn't bother to put in a single ounce of effort to solve their own problems.  

Now you know that's not true. You know Pam would do anything before asking Ed for help. They're smart and resourceful, only coming to Eddie when they've reached a dead end. Wouldn't you do the same? 

You huffed as you slumped back into your desk chair. You would do the same. 

Besides, Selina has done a few favors for Edward before his reformation…and a couple during it. He owes her.

You lean your head back and cover your face with your hands. You were already tired from cleaning, you really didn't need these mental gymnastics going on. 

He can rely on her for anything. All he can rely on you for is his paperwork being in order and to push his new image.

That is all you were just some pencil pusher in a pencil skirt. 

In a city full of super heroes, super villains, super geniuses and super sexy powerful women…it was really easy to feel incredibly puny. Incredibly ordinary and insignificant. 

In Gotham, if you weren't a hero or a villain..you were a bystander or a victim…

What are you even doing here? What the hell were you thinking even having a chance with Edward? Edward Nygma at that, the fucking reformed Riddler…

"What am I doing here?" 

Just like that the walls were slowly caving in. The walls painted with insecurity and founded on anxiety started crumbling. Suffocating you, claustrophobia setting in. 

When you leaned back from your chair, you felt bile come up in the back of your throat. You barely managed to swallow it back down.

You couldn't say the same for the tears welling up in your eyes. 

Your hand started shaking on your desk. Everything was hazy and foggy around you. 

What are you doing? You wasted space! To think you could hold a candle to the likes of Selina Kyle…fucking Catwoman! Poison Ivy, Mother Nature incarnate! Harley fucking Quinn, the Joker's ex boo and a 10 to boot!

You barely made out the soft shushing sounds you were making. Your hands caged around your head doing anything to cease the nagging, taunting cruel voice in your head. 

You laid your head on the desk, wrapping your hands and arms over your skull. Something, anything to make it stop. 

"Please…please just stop.." You murmured into the long sleeve of your black blouse that no doubt had tear stains now.

"Y/N?" 

Everything came to a screeching halt. The mocking voice, the falling walls, the shakes, the tears. Everything. 

Shit.

You popped your head up from under your arms like a jack in the box. Immediately grabbing the nearest and softest material to wipe your face with. 

"Oh..umm…hi Mr. Nygma, I-Im sorry um..I was uhh.."

"I see Pam left a mess again. Funny, how much she wants to clean the environment but can't clean up after herself.." Ed chuckles in a remorseful tone. As he recalls the weeks she manipulated him with her pheromones and made herself at home in his apartment. 

"Y-Yeah, can't…can't miss her that's for sure." You sniffle. 

"Are you all right? Did something happen while I was out?"

"Oh no, no, nothing like that Mr. Nygma…I, I think I may just be having a small allergic reaction to Pam's plants." 

Smooth.

If you don't shut up I swear to God…

Ed nodded but he doesn't look the slightest bit convinced. "I would have thought after a couple outings you would drop the formalities…" 

You were fidgeting with the hem of your skirt. You lean back in your seat with your head hung low. 

"Oh, yeah…sorry. Just force of habit…" 

"We'll break that habit eventually, I'm sure."

"Hm.." You nodded solemnly. 

Silence hung in the air for a moment. 

Edward started walking towards his office, but not without a gnawing feeling in the back of his brain. Something upset you greatly, and he wants…no…needs to figure out what it is. 

You were hesitant to divulge any information that much was certain. Your face was puffy and red, your eyes were watery. More in line with crying than an allergic reaction. 

Think, Eddie, think…

She was fine this morning, bright even. Smiling and content. She brought us both coffee and she gave me some medicine for my growing migraines…things were going great. She was gonna ask you something…

Then of course Selina and the others came in with another – oh!

While the wheels started turning in his head, he already knew he couldn't leave you alone to your own devices again. 

He stopped in front of his door with his hand gripped to the doorknob. He looked over his shoulder and was immediately taken aback by the forlorn look on your face. 

You got up slowly from your chair and slung your satchel over your shoulder. It was five o'clock when you usually left anyway, and you needed to get out even if you didn't want to.

 You did feel better with Ed around but you were worried the next thing he'd say may cause you to break down again. 

"W-wait, Y/N…"

Damnit.

"S-sorry Mr.-- Ed…I'm not feeling myself, I was going to head home, unless there's something you need me to do, and I can take it with me?" 

Ed shook his year. "N-No..no, umm…can I speak to you for a minute, in my office. Please, if you don't mind of course."

"Oh, ok..sure. I'll be right there."

You were cursing yourself in your head as you sat your bag on your desk and followed him to his office. 

Funny, all the times you fantasized about this exact set up, you didn't imagine you'd had an emotional breakdown just before.

You took a seat in the chair in front of his desk and Ed made his way to his chair. He put down his cane and hung up his signature green suit jacket. 

When Ed sat down he rolled up his white dress shirt sleeves and removed his eye mask. 

You hate when he wears that thing. You understood why he did. He did look cute with it on, but you adore his eyes too much to want them hidden all the time. 

You couldn't stand the silence, so you choked out. "I-I'm sorry, Edward…I just kinda got stuck in my own head. It was stupid, and I'm sorry you had to see that."

Ed furrows his brows. "You don't need to apologize for that. It's perfectly…normal, I'm even prone to that at times…sometimes more often than I care to admit."

"I can't even begin to imagine, but it was over something so…trivial..childish even."

"I can be the judge of that…If you don't mind discussing it with me?"

You felt your throat clamp up again. You wanted to talk to him, you appreciated him even giving you his time to help console you. You two have been going out, but nothing was entirely official, so he didn't have to do this. 

"Can I take a guess?"

You nod.

"Was it Selina, Pam, and Harley from earlier?"

You lowered your head in defeat but muttered a "y-yes."

"Why?"

"T-They're just…they just make me feel so…inadequate. Like I shouldn't be here, in your world. I envy them, as much as I hate to admit it. They're smarter, stronger, and they're gorgeous –"

Your fingers have started tapping the wooden desk as you got lost in your anxious rambling. It wasn't until Edward put his warm hand over yours that made you stop. You gasp and look up at him.

"S-Sorry, see? It's so stupid."

"Stop. I'm gonna stop you right there…"

He reached his other hand to grab your other hand. He held both of your hands and squeezed them. 

"It's not stupid. As I said it's normal, but I'm telling you now, you've earned your seat here. Why? Because you are intelligent. This world of mine with villains, heroes and crooks, it takes someone of strong will to take it on every single day. Even if you're behind a desk there's always that sliver of a chance of something happening, because of me and who I was and who I am now."  

Your breathing was evening out again, despite the thumping of your heart, but it wasn't from anxiety for once. 

"And you are gorgeous, you drew me on the first day I saw you. More so than any of those three, they don't hold a candle to you…"

He squeezed your hands again. 

"Besides…there's one thing you'll have that they never will."  

"What's that?"

He offered a soft smile, "Riddle me this…what’s extremely valuable, risky to give, hard to receive and sometimes impossible to repair once it’s been broken?"

You blinked for a moment. Your heart skipped another beat when you realized the answer. 

"Trust?"

Edward rewarded you with a warm smile and kissed the back of one of your hands. "They may be acquaintances, I'll scratch their back if they scratch mine later, but I don't trust any of them as far as I can throw them. But I trust you with everything…and anything." 

"You really mean that?"

Ed teasingly scoffed. "Y/N…I know I'm many things but a man of my word I'm certainly am, you should know that."

You giggled. "Y-Yeah I do…t-that's just…I never knew that, never thought of that." 

"I know, I…I don't show it often how much I appreciate you and just how much you mean to me. This is fairly new territory for me…but I would like to do better." 

You couldn't deny it any longer. You got up from your chair and went over to his side of the desk. You wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him into an embrace. 

"T-Thank you," you whispered in his ear. He slowly stood up and wrapped his arms around your waist. 

You kissed his cheek before you looked back into his eyes. "By the way, you're doing great." 

Ed chuckled. "Good to know."  

You giggled at the all too familiar lopsided smirk he gave you. 

Edward leaned in and kissed your forehead. He brought his hand up to your cheek and caressed your cheek with his thumb. 

"Wasn't there something you wanted to ask me this morning? Before we were very rudely interrupted."

"Hmm..oh!" You had gotten so infuriated after Ivy entwined you with her vines, tossed you out of the room, and constricted you to your chair…you completely forgot. 

"Umm…oh! I was wondering if you would like to have dinner tonight…at..at my place?” You smiled sweetly. 

Edward’s heart swelled up on the inside. Your eyes were bright with excitement, your posture was lax and comfortable against him, and your beaming smile was absolutely precious to him. 

He couldn’t resist when he tucked your chin between his thumb and forefinger and brought your lips to his in a tender kiss. When he pulled away, he chuckled at your widened eyes and cheeks dusted a rosy hue. You smiled before you hid your reddening face into his shoulder. He tightened his hold on you, before he whispered in your ear:

“There she is, that’s my girl.”

[bisluthq]

I feel like we attribute medical diagnosis so easy now. And the way I have seen people talk about depression...as if people get better when they make an ""effort"" and that you should get up and get better so you don't hurt your partner. It's all just very...insensitive. You also don't diagnose depression just like that. Joe never hinted at having depression, just anxiety. And I think it's a bit dangerous inferring that just from Taylor's music when she equals being sad to depressed pretty often. We saw Joe going into his work and doing his thing. If he was depressed, it doesn't seem to have been in a non functional way, paralyzing way. It's not like he was in a cave isolating himself.

Maybe I'm projecting a bit, because I have struggled with general anxiety for years. I avoid places with crowds, I don't like public speaking, I immediately create the worse scenarios because I don't like feeling out of control of what might happen, I'm also constantly feeling panicked over things that I create in my head. It's a bit like living on edge. You never know when your mind is going to disrupt your peace.

I also have had periods where one would call depression episodes. But I never diagnosted myself with depression, because I feel like that's an actual very serious thing that lasts a long time and only a competent professional would be able to tell me if I am just a bit more moody and more sad than usual or it's actual a whole thing. Because it's normal to feel sad and maybe if you're more anxiety prone that sadness can still take you to dark places. Over the last few years, I started to have less of those episodes by my own accord and also not lasting as long so I'm inclined to believe I just am a bit more prone to mood swings.

My point is idk if we could or should label Joe as being depressive. We don't know how functional he was/is as a human being (we do know he was still filling his job obligations and wanting to work) and if he really was just deeply not well for months and months or he just had periods of time where he needed to be more alone and more introspective. Maybe he would get like that when he felt triggered by a certain event happening, maybe his sadness had specific causes. People are allowed to be sad about something happening to them and doesn't go away in a day or two. Or maybe you're just unhappy with aspects of your life and can't quite figure out how to deal with it. Being depressed isn't just being sad. It also involves a whole lot of real life consequences and disturbances.

this is what I’m saying. I’m sorry you struggle with GAD. I get anxious sometimes but I know I don’t have GAD and like my anxiety is a side effect of my tendency to get depressed (opposite to your thing) and I’ve recently been diagnosed with PDA so that too. Like I know I feel really bad that I’m letting friends and loved ones down but sometimes I’m just not able to function. On those occasions, all I want to do is lie in bed and fuck around on my phone and I’ll surface for like work obligations mostly but that’s about it. The rest of the time, when I’m in an episode, I’ll lie in bed or on the couch and I will drink because as my therapist says that’s my exit and then I have a reason to not do things because I’m yk drunk. And I’ll feel dreadful about the whole thing which can manifest as anxiety but the real problem is my mood and it’s a… serious problem. It’s not an “oh I’m so sad” thing like it’s a “if I’m not gonna get paid for it then I might as well not bother with today” thing. I don’t know that Joe has that problem lol - I tend to think he’s just stressy depressy, same as Taylor. And I think people throwing it around is mildly irresponsible.

I will also say again lots of people throw these things around like I said my bf said to me tonight like he thinks he’s maybe bipolar and I was like “lol why do you think that???” and he was like “idk I feel really good about life mostly and then you’ll do something to piss me off and I get in a mood” and I was like “okay so that’s called being a person?? Come the fuck on??” Again, I lived (as in my stepdad not a partner) with a bipolar person and that’s not how it was? It literally was highest highs ever followed by like him locking himself in their room and my mum having to sleep on the couch. It was dreadful. And like I don’t get the high highs but I do get the wanting to lock myself in my room things and it absolutely sucks but when I’m in that space like I legit just can’t deal with anything?? And I think people who don’t struggle with it just don’t understand.

it’s also like I’m in recovery for an ED as I’ve shared before and I’m actually quite good at that - the recovery part I mean - but when I say I can not eat for seven days+ I legit mean that. I don’t mean like orthorexic I only ate healthy foods like I mean like I can literally eat NOTHING and subsist of only Diet Coke and black coffee and white wine if I’m offered the latter. And cigarettes. Which is funny because when I was full blown ED I didn’t smoke but I’d eat like one sandwich or salad a week and exercise a ton and only consume Diet Coke and black coffee and at that point not even wine because it’s got too many calories but like vodka and diet soda water because that fucks me up so 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Anyway.

moral of the story is I’ve got serious fucking problems lol and I am sorry you have GAD and it sucks Taylor and Joe are stressy depressy but that’s not a real diagnosis like that’s just being a person.

[leaveherwildliketheflowers]

Conversation with my therapist went like this:

T: We have had a lot of space between appointments this summer. How has that felt? Do you want to go back to a weekly cadence or do you think that it's better to space out our appointments going forward?

Me: Um, am I supposed to feel a certain way about that?

T: Well, yeah. You are in a different place than you were the last few years. You talk more in session than you used to. I know there are still things you don't bring up but you generally utilize your time better.

Me: .....

T: Think about it. We can discuss it more next week.

Y'all, I'm shook. This summer has been CRAZY with destination weddings, vacations, federal holidays and now being sick. As a result I saw T once from June 5th to today. I just assumed it was part of summer schedules and we would go back to our normal weekly cadence. Stepping down to once every 2 weeks wasn't even on my radar. Honestly, I feel like I'm just now adjusting from going from twice a week to once a week.

T is all in my head now though. Does she not think I need weekly therapy? Does she not have time for me in her schedule and this is her way of gently pushing me out of her case load? Is she just tired of working with me after 4+ years? Does she really think I'm ready to scale back on addressing my mental health?

Is this what happens if I make any sort of progress? I mean, in some ways I'm doing better. I have learned how to handle my grief with more success, though sometimes it still gets the best of me. My eating behaviors are under control at the moment. I'm generally being kind to my body. These are all the "safe" things that I talk to T about. At the same time I'm still really struggling in a lot of ways. My grief steam rolls me from time to time. My anxiety is the worst it's been in years, with frequent anxiety attacks happening at the moment. I'm still shit at recognizing and naming emotions, especially now that I have SO much distraction. These are things T knows and we have been talking about in the few sessions we have had this summer.

What T doesn't know is that I have been really, really struggling with suicidal ideation again. I haven't gotten myself to bring that up. I'm just not ready to address it, mostly because I don't know why it's back. I can't figure out why part of my brain is so desperate for an "out" right now, but it came on strong when I went back to work. Now I'm thinking, how in the hell do I bring this up without looking desperate for attention? Saying something now seems like I'm screaming, "I can't put more time between sessions, I'm constantly thinking about k*lling myself! Please don't leave me!" That really sounds pathetic doesn't it 🙃

Also, when I go long periods of time without therapy I block out my emotions because I don't have time to deal with them and without the accountability I won't make the time. Then when I realize, oh shit I'm finally accountable to report on how I'm doing, I panic and get flooded with it all at once. Then I spiral into an emotional panic or completely shut down and that's just not fun.

I'm probably over thinking this. Of course the logical thing would be to say all of this to T but I feel like I can't because any potential relationship conflict with her feels too scary. I really need her to be a safe place when I feel wanted, welcomed, seen and held. Normally I do feel that way with her but this simple conversation has triggered something inside of me. A child part that feels like once again we are being left to fend for ourself when all we desperately need is someone to sit with us in the dark while we cry. This little part is throwing an absolute fit because she is never understood or loved and she feels foolish for thinking anyone ever really cared. She feels abandoned.

Omg the fucking drama. All this mental gymnastics over one stupid question about how I want to spend my time and financial resources. Clearly I'm deeply insecure, I think everyone hates me, and I'm insane.

[take-youraim]

I'm not doing so well. I have so much anxiety that it’s really hard to fall asleep at night. It usually takes me a full 2 hours of laying there. I never used to have sleep problems, even though it was such a common symptom with all the other psychiatric patients I cohabitated with.

I'm struggling a lot with feelings of shame and inadequacy. I feel stupid, and lost, and just lacking in general. I feel like something is fundamentally wrong with me and it takes all of my energy to convince myself otherwise. I feel deeply sorry. I feel like life will never be as beautiful as I imagine or want it to be. I watch everyone around me take steps forward and build these big lives, and they trust themselves. I'm not that way. Every step I take is a guess and a prayer. All I want is to feel proud of myself. I want to feel vindicated of my past. I don't want the resolution of my past to be because I ran from it or distracted myself thoroughly enough from it. I want a resolution that is palatable; one marked by overcoming deep shame, and self-forgiveness.

There have been so few moments where I've felt any relief from this. Religion brought me closer to forgiveness, but that was always a passive understanding and experience of forgiveness. I was the recipient of external forgiveness, which I realize now is more or less a band-aid. I forgave myself because the Creator of the World saw me as Good. But now, I'm not sure I'll ever be able to see myself as worthy of forgiveness unattached to a greater entity. I'm not sure I'm forgivable just as I am.

I bombed my preliminary interview with Penn. That has triggered a lot of these feelings. It reminded me of my own incompetence. It made me think, “who am I to think I'm smart enough for Penn?” I feel like a fraud. I'm embarrassed. I'm lost in life with so many unknowns, and only difficult roads ahead.

I feel afraid. And deeply sad.

I want to lay in bed with my mom and hug my dad. I'm about to go the longest length of time without seeing them ever in my whole life. What if they die? I can't handle that. I simply can't. But I find myself compulsively fantasizing about their deaths. And then I contemplate if my mind, or the universe, is preparing me for an upcoming day when they really do die. And I'm terrified and disgusted that even that I'm even writing this, but the fantasies have become so frequent and vivid that I'm desperate to purge myself anyway possible, even if it means documenting the horrible corners of my mind. I also have vivid fantasies of my best friend's death, or of my own slow death to something like being trapped under a collapsed building, alone. These are things that keep me up at night, as they are now.

When will I be free of myself? I can't take it.

I think I'm developing a mild form of OCD. Or at least the associated intrusive thoughts. Working in research, from home, is bad for these thoughts and my anxiety. My studio apartment has become an echo chamber.

I hope I can do better tomorrow and have a good day. That's what I used to focus on during my stints in psych hospitals and treatment: try to have a good day. You don't have to accomplish anything. You don't have to get things right. Or make decisions. Just try to enjoy the moments. Feel the sun. Read a book. Think small, and just try to enjoy your day.

This will be my goal tomorrow.