#saw my old religion teacher

[mishkakagehishka]

I dreamt that there was some sort of horror(?) spin-off for enstars. Btw. It was like neat, but so stressful. So stressful. It was like, short story, takes place in an art gallery??? One of them gets incredibly pissed off and you have a set amount of time to find weapons and a strategy before you have to face them in a closed space. Makoto had a sniper (?? In a CLOSED SPACE????) and the strategy for him was to point lasers at his eyes to stun him and then beat the shit out of him. If you even care.

[fandomhopper-shit]

𝐓𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐏𝐞𝐭

Regina George x Female Reader

Summary : After the bus incident regina started to become more aware of everything around her one thing that stuck out to her was the cute girl that sat at the back of her algebra class, turns out she wasn't the only one to see that after all the girl seemed to be the Teacher's Pet

Warnings: Ooc Regina? Internal and External Homophobia, Forced Religion, Manipulation, Perverted old men,Terrible Parents, Swearing, Mentions of Forced Marriage, Protective Regina and Mild Scopophobia [Fear of Being looked at]

A/N: This is probably gonna be terrible like my other one so i will probably keep this in my drafts part 2 will come out just not eventually

Regina's Pov :

Walking back through the halls of North shore was a completely different experience for me since i wasn't the queen be anymore i started to see more of the 'background characters' as the old me would say, there were so many underrated cliques that honestly looked kinda cool and fun to hang out with for example ; The goths their make up looked so complicated but it fit them just as much as their clothes then there was the softball girls who looked like they could kick your ass but when you looked close enough they were just a bunch of goofy masc's but I would never tell any of them this to their faces I was reformed but I was still Regina George.

I walked into my Homeroom and saw a new teacher, I guess since it was a new year so there were bound to be some new people but what really caught my eye was the girl sat in the back of the classroom near the window, she was pretty. Really pretty. She wore a red oversized hoodie that was covered in white stars that were painted on there were other splatters of paint on it which just made it all the more unique then she had a plaid skirt that fell comfortably onto her thighs she wore thigh high socks with vans that once again had stars painted all over them but this time they re painted baby pink. It was adorable she looked too innocent to be going to a school like North shore.

I snapped out of my daze when the final bell rang I looked around for new seat and lit up when i saw one in front of the cutie, I quickly walked towards it before any other jock could take it. When i sat down she glanced away from the window towards me and a look of fear i think passed her face i couldn't tell because her face went blank as soon as she looked back at the window completely ignoring my presence I frowned and turned my head back around to see the new teacher looking at her with a weird glint in his eye it made me suspicious but i pushed it aside when he started speaking.

I think i could speak for everyone when I say we were surprised at the strong Southern accent the man had "Y'all bring to your books out we're gonna be looking' over some extra stuff y'all'd've see last year" He paused and let his eyes scan the entire classroom looking onto the girl behind me who refused to raise her head and meet his gaze and for some reason he smirked showing off his rancid brown smoker teeth then he went back to having a passive look, something about him made me and all the other girls and guys in class extremely uncomfortable he was watching us as if we were pieces of meat or worse Toys "Alright everyone My name is Mr Rockefeller, y'all will address me as such ye hear." He had a threatening undertone causing everyone even the football jocks to shrink into thir seats and nod.

The lesson went on and the uncomfortable energy increased especially when he was walking round the classroom 'helping' students with the work, by pure luck he didn't come over to me but he did spend half the lesson with the mystery girl behind me whispering things to her i could hear her swallowing and shuffling uncomfortably in her seat. I couldn't hear everything he was saying but i definitely caught bits and pieces that made me sick to my stomach, the bell rang and we all rushed towards the door I was about to make it out the door when I heard him call someone back "Ms (L/N) please stay behind I' do like to discuss some matters with you," He had the same weird glint in his eyes as he had at the start of the lesson it was unnerving and borderline predatory my posture stiffened i wanted to say something but my body didn't let me luckily Ms Norbury came in "Mr Rockefeller i'm sorry but Miss (L/N) must come with me to sort out the rest of classes as well as her clubs that her parents signed her up for her," She said not noticing the tense atmosphere in the room, i didn't even notice the breath that left my body.

Ms Norbury turned to me "Ah Regina just the girl i wanted to see, as a part of your new leaf you wouldn't mind if you could show miss (L/N) around the school and take her to her clubs you wouldn't mind that would you Great thank you," she rushed past me after a message popped up on her phone, leaving me stood in the entrance of the classroom while the new teacher and Student were stood in the classroom. The man looked like he was about to murder someone and the girl looked sort of relived but terrified, after a few seconds of awkward seconds she slowly walked towards me like a timid little deer avoiding my eyes and handed me a piece of paper i looked it over and realised it was practically a copy of mine, I smiled to myself "Well looks like we have very class together besides Pe but right now we have English so let's go," I gave the teacher an awkward wave as he glared at me as if i ruined his life, guiding her out the classroom we walked in silence she was constantly avoiding everyones eyes who turned to us so in response i glared at them and they turned away. Just cause i was turning a new leaf didn't mean couldn't install the fear of god into them.

We reached the classroom, walked in and i let her pick the seat she was most comfortable in which was closer to the back window I sat next to her and passed her back her schedule "After this we have History which is at top floor Then Art, Math and Lunch if you want you can sit with my friends?" I shifted in my seat nervously when she didn't reply for a good 30 seconds had i overstepped was she uncomfortable oh god shit shit shit i didn't mean to do that what do i do maybe i ca-

My spiralling was cut off when i heard a small southern voice quiet enough that i almost thought i imagined it "Your okay, don't wanna disturb y'all," She whispered letting her hair fall infant of her face to avoid my eyes as if she said something wrong, Her accent was similar to Mr Rockefeller's except more pleasant and it reminded me of a little mouse it was adorable. "We'd love to have you with us (Y/N) don't worry they'll love you," i gently let my hand hover over her arm not actually touching her but letting her know i was there, in homeroom she seemed to hate physical touch she flinched when someone brushed their hand on hers when she let them borrow a pen not to mention the way she was shaking like a leaf when Mr Rockefeller was practically pressing himself up behind her "I'll make sure they don't bombard you too much, if you get overwhelmed by them I'll take you out of there just tap my knee is that good? " the short time i've known her i guess you could say i'm protective of her.

She gave me a small smile so small in fact I almost missed it, the lesson carried on till the bell rang and everyone filed out chatting with their friends in the middle of the hall way it looked normal to me but she looked like she was overwhelmed her eyes were darting all over the place and she was shaking slightly without a single thought i hovered my hand over the small of her back and guided her to the top floor towards our history class, by the time we got there she had calmed down and was almost leaning in to my touch but i was probably imagining it we made it and the lesson went on as normal other than the teacher welcoming everyone.

@dandelions4us

[burningsuitfire]

Essek and religious trauma

Saw this post from @balleater here and having been meaning to write a meta on the subject, theorizing about what we know.

Essek admits to being seriously traumatized when Caleb talks to him in the Grove.

(141) Caleb: Somewhat hypocritical coming from me, but try to be kind to yourself.  Essek: You, more than anyone, showed me that trauma doesn't define you.

The simplest conclusion is religious trauma, along with neglect and abandonment.

In the wrap-up Matt puts serious emphasis on Essek's parents and family being "very deeply steeped" in the religious culture alongside how Essek has "very much eschewed" the religious culture, that no one has ever genuinely cared about Essek beyond his influence and talent, that his family didn't understand or support his focus on dunamantic research (or his career), and draws clear lines about the negative aspects of Dynasty's theocratic authoritarianism and uncompromising cultural zealotry, at points Mercer even compares it to evangelicalism and doomsday cults.

He also gives us hints that it's a bad situation for anyone who doesn't follow the official faith, like in Eiselcross when Caleb asks questions about the mandated religion and Kryn theories on the beacons:

(124) Essek: It is an interesting idea, though I would caution to keep it close to the chest. Such conversations might be considered sacrilege in some circles of the Dynasty.

Which as word of god tells us Essek had a very bad relationship with his powerful authoritarian den family that didn't understand him or his goals, and he grew up in the Bastion (which is a temple to the Luxon), when the Dynasty laws are founded on the faith and enforced by the military:

(EGtW) The laws of the dynasty, which stem from the faith of the Luxon, are enforced by a network of trusted Aurora Watch captains and soldiers

To the point where Matt emphasized how even petty criminals in the prison were systematically "beaten and emaciated", sacrilege could have ugly consequences, even growing up.

Especially considering that all we know of his father is that he seemed to have a temper to the point of extremely self-destructive tendencies, and that he was possibly military and thus law enforcement (warriors function as both in the Dynasty).

Even in the dinner conversation when he was being outstandingly open, Essek was very careful not to tell the nein anything that could allow other Kryn to question his faith:

Marisha: So his lying about it [consecution] was just about going along with the zealotry and not- Matt: Exactly, because he didn't want people to think that there was something up.

And then there's Essek's massive trust problems, which are specifically focused on the word "trust":

(131) Caleb: We feel we can trust you more than my old teacher. (You see, when you say the word "trust". It's simultaneously like seeing a small hit to the heart... and whatever icy bit that cracked melts away for a minute. There's a moment of him hearing the word and letting it wash over him.) Essek: I'm thankful for the trust you put in me. And I hope to make this up to you.

(124) Essek: I've never really been trusted and so I did not trust. When I- when you gave me trust, it gave me a perspective that was so agonizingly striking. So easy to see that I refused to acknowledge it at first, even. (135) Essek: The more I begin to see Beauregard, yourself return with these markings- I've only just recently learned to trust. It's hard to begin to mistrust so quickly.

Where there's a theory that it might stem from the Dynasty's training for echo knights and dunamancers (when we've heard Essek tell Caleb that the training is comparable to that of scourgers), and we even see the echo knight in Zadash react very strongly to the word "trust":

(13) Mollymauk: We just need to know who we can trust and who we can't.  Thuron: You cannot trust anybody in this city. You cannot trust yourselves. Anyone who has not bound themselves. They are the enemy.

Other context and info gives us that consecution and worshipping the Luxon and following the umavi-written "system of pure faith" created from their interpretation of the beacons (as EGtW dictates the Luxon is canonically silent and unconscious) is required for people to hold Dynasty political/spiritual/military office and influence, to work for the theocratic government (comprised of the 12 noble religious den families), and that dunamancy and the Dynasty's dunamis research is only accessible to those working for the government.

And it seems like Essek hints at unattractive consequences to others discovering he's been lying about his faith (and/or the dangerous nature of his career):

(131) Essek: I just know that I've also survived this long, weaving the intricacies of deceit like I have, by knowing how best to keep myself out of the complications as best as I can.

Finally, we have Essek's relationship with punishment and pain, alongside the Dynasty's systematic religious corporal punishment:

(57) In the shadows there look to be multiple figures. Some human, some ogre-ish with more reinforced bars, drow. Emaciated, beaten. Not looking happy and healthy, but then again, what good Dungeon of Penance would?

(77) ...days of chosen sunlight in which the nightfall is dispelled and the people of Rosohna and Xhorhas bask in the sun. Even those who find pain and challenge in its presence, as it is part of the worship. (EGtW) The Kryn drow who emerged from the shadowed depths of the caverns beneath Xhorhas now endure periods of sunlight as part of their worship. Periods of days, sometimes weeks, will transpire in a state of perpetual evening, enabling the darkness-bound denizens to go about their work. Such periods briefly come to an end to usher in periods of scheduled, mass worship under the sunlight.

(99) Essek: I will take my leave for the night. Thank you for not throwing me into the water. (97) Essek: The pain is somewhat comforting because I am my own punishment. (91) Essek: I have seen those far older than you that have experienced maybe half the pain I see in your eyes. Age isn't everything. Experience is what hardens you, prepares you for the worst. (138) Beau: My essence will haunt you. Essek: And I would deserve it, like I deserve all of the things that haunt me. Jester: Aw, Essek... Essek: Don't- offer me any solace. (141) Essek: Maybe it's time I just found my way. Really began my penance. I've procrastinated long enough in dealing with my sins. I convinced myself I'd be alone for so much of my life. It's hard to say goodbye when I don't feel alone anymore, but… I understand. I understand and accept what I've done.

[catholic-character-tournament]

Round 5 - Catholic Character Tournament

Propaganda below ⬇️

Sister Michael

She drives a DeLorean. She does judo on Fridays. She likes a good statue and despises the French. Her full nun name is Sister George Michael, after the guy from Wham!. She is the fiercest nun you’ll ever come across and, if you’re attending Lady Immaculate College, she’s the woman in charge. So whatever you do, if you’re feeling anxious or worried or just need a chat: don’t come crying to her.

joined the nunnery for the free accommodation?

she does love a good statue it has to be said

She is the headmistress of a catholic school <3

sister michael so reminds me of the nuns who taught me. they're tough and sometimes a little harsher than a woman who dedicated her life to god should be but they're also wonderful people. i had a nun teacher who was 60 years old and would do handstands. another nun (also in her 60s) told me god was nonbinary. another was really mean and made me cry. (so did the handstand nun.) while the catholic girls school is The Catholic Experience, the school wouldn't have been the same for me or the derry girls without at least one nun who seemed to have sprung up out of the ground fully formed, ageless.

Kurt Wagner/Nightcrawler Propaganda:

good lord where do i start. in the animated series he converts logan to catholisism and then fucks off basically thats the main thing he did there. i think one time they tried to make him a demon to explain how he looked but everyone hated that. he sold his soul one time to help his friends out after he died. he and logan have a weird little gay thing. he was a priest one time but he was made a priest by a fake bishop from a religion that hates mutants iirc so he just wasnt a priest. like 3 people have written him in a way i like and one of those is my friend just talking about how they view him.

wow marvel loves making catholic characters dress/look like demons

Kurt is a mutant who was born to mystique who looks a LOT like a devil (technically is half one but that cannon truth isn’t real go back to bed), his mother dropped him off a cliff when he was born and he was picked up by a Romani group/circus (fuck old comics man) however he then narrowly escaped being sold to a freak show and found himself in a small German town. There he met a kind priest, who showed him God, and he quickly grew attached to the idea- However, it wasn’t long before people began labeling him a demon and soon the whole town was against him with pitchforks and fire. Cornered and injured, Kurt thought this might be the end for him- maybe he would see heaven so long after finding it- but he was then saved by Charles Xavier who invited him to the X-Men. AND ITS BEEN SO MANY YEARS AND HE HAS BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH THERE. SO MUCH. SO GOD DAMN MUCH. BUT THE MOST AAAA THING TO ME CONCERNING HIS FAITH HE WHEN HE LITERALLY DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN BUT THEN BECAUSE OF DRAMA WITH HIS FATHER HAD TO BRING HIS FRIENDS IN WITH HIM FROM THE BEYOND. THEN WITH ALOT OF TROUBLE THEY FOUGHT HIS FATHER AND THE ONLY WAY KURT SAW TO STOP HIM WAS IN A MOVE THAT STRIPPED THEM BOTH OF THEIR SOULS AND PUT THEM BACK ON EARTH. SO KURT CANONICALLY HAS NOW LOST HIS ABILITY FOR ETERNAL PEACE, LOST HIS VERY SOUL, TO SAVE PEOPLE- AND ALSO TOLD NO ONE NOT EVEN HIS GAY LOVER WOLVERINE.

Nightcrawler is a mutant vigilante who looks like a classical demon. He can’t even go to church without people panicking and trying to exorcize him. Despite it all, he’s so full of faith and hope and compassion, and he wants to believe the best of everyone. Also, he’s bffs with an extremely angry Jewish sword lesbian. That has nothing to do with anything, but it’s important to me that you all know that.

What if you were a devout christian and literally looked like the devil? He nearly became the pope, which was a plot by some supervillains that also involved faking a rapture? There is nothing like comics I swear to god.

A catholic who is half demon I don’t think I can better explain a struggle than that. But his character is so relatable to people who feel unwelcome with their congregation because of something that is a part of them but still feeling a connection to the faith. Kurt actively engaged in his faith and shares how his faith helps him through all the things he has faced in life and how he found a home with those of the church who leave the judging to God.

so they made kurt a priest briefly before deciding to retcon it, resulting in nightcrawler actually being part of a plan by villains to promote him to pope then reveal to the world that the pope is a demon. wild.

I have a side blog and a tattoo about him and i really really want him to win

Wisecracking devil-appearing devout Catholic with the Best superpower (teleportation)? HECK YES

German Catholic circus acrobat who looks like a demon & can teleport through a hellish alternate dimension with a puff of sulfur. Character of all time.

hes catholic and his dad is the devil. what could be funnier than that. also hes my silly little guy.

Nightcrawler is the world’s most fun catholic priest. I first was introduced to this kindhearted teleporting acrobat while he saved a boat full of stowaway refugees from inter dimensional pirates with swashbuckling gusto!

[homunculus-argument]

I've learned to be neutral about other people being religious, but my own experience with it was definitely coloured by my issues with my dad. He was a proper Edgelord Atheist, loathing religions as a whole and christianity in particular, never hesitating to remark about how stupid and backwards or primitive it is. My mother didn't care either way, she only talks about god when she talks about gardening. So he was the only one in the house with any strong opinion about it. And yet, me and my sister were babtised, put into a christian daycare for a while and then put into christian religions classes at school.

I always loathed religion classes as a kid and didn't know why, I hated hearing about it and having to put up with it and always felt like the teacher is just insulting us by lying right at our faces, about something that surely nobody actually believes for real. My childhood best friend was put into the non-christian option despite of coming from the same kind of a vaguely culturally christian background as I did, and I envied her intensely for it. I asked repeatedly to get to go to the non-christian classes as well, and was told "no", because my mother didn't think that letting your kids do that was an option even though my friend's parents clearly had already done it.

I had a serious Edgelord Edgy Atheist phase in my teens, and was wrangled into going through confirmation anyway because Everyone Else's Kids Are Doing It Too. The aforementioned friend got to go through a non-religious version of the same thing, which I had not even known was an option, so I didn't think to ask for it. Being wrangled through jesus classes as a 15-year-old bag of spite who was only marginally self-aware enough to avoid physically wearing a fedora, I was not a pleasure to have in class.

My father was physically present in the house until I was 14, until my mother finally accepted that this man's presence might actually cause physical harm - his drunken attempts to cook almost caused a fire, and he drove drunk with me and my sister on board once - and he reluctantly agreed to be removed from the picture. His absence at home made no impact nor difference in our daily life, the man who sleeps in the spare room just wasn't sleeping in the spare room anymore.

We saw him frequently enough after that, he visited us for family events and joined us for outings. At some points I tried to bond with him, over mutual interests and passions, even tried to prompt him to join me on snide remarks about religions that he used to make all the time, but he would not. He refused to bond with his children even over mutually hating the same things. It slowly occurred to me over time that the reason why christianity had played any role in my life was because he had never, at any point at all, moved a finger to stop it. Harmless or not, he had no instinctive desire to move his children away from things he considered bad. He had hated it enough to make it known that he hates it, but genuinely just did not care enough to consider not letting him children grow up in an environment he loathed.

My father died when I was 17, and I never really mourned him - not out of hatred, but because his death had hardly even altered the empty absence that was his presence in my life. I had grown up with religious classes trying to tell me about a loving god, and I had not understood why I had hated it, why I felt betrayed and lied to. My relationship with the christian god I was taught to understand has been exactly the same as my relationship with my father.

Desperately shrieking into a void that is so vast that not even my own echo would answer, and knowing for certain that the dead silence I'm hearing in return is the complete, absolute absence of a loving Father.

[rose-of-red-lake]

Helicopter parents at the Jedi Temple

"Rhogo can't take his intergalactic history exam at that time. We're going on three week vacation to Canto Bight."

"You told Hely that her blood was red when actually, it's blue." (It was, in fact, red.)

"My little Colo needs to be in a more advanced class. He's already mastered all of the lightsaber forms."

"I saw the grade you gave Mara in her Courage trial. Why did she fail the exam?"

"Brax can't take your class on learning how to resist mind probes and interrogation. It's against his religion."

"I don't want my son assigned to Mace Windu."

"I don't like the carpeting in here. The classroom should have thicker carpets in case Steffan hits his head."

(Jedi Voicemail at 3 AM): "This is Jona Johnson, Joyo's mom. I called you yesterday. Can you please call me back? We had some questions."

"We're frantically watching the holonet and hear that a war is about to break out between the Wookies and the Trandoshans. I know that Reni is a Jedi Knight but they need to come home now. I don't want them going anywhere near that mess."

"WHY ARE YOU TEACHING MY CHILD TO SUPPRESS HIS EMOTIONS"

"Why do you worship false idols at the Jedi temple? Those statues look demonic. I'm contacting Chancellor Palpatine."

"I'm somewhat of a botanist myself. Chane would love to work in your agricorp lab."

"My child can't understand anything that old green teacher is saying. His accent is too thick. He needs to be moved to a different teacher."

"How do I become a Jedi master here?"

[cosmicdream222]

have you entered the void before?

I'm asking cause I've seen you post about it a bunch times with different methods to enter

Also, thank you for introducing me to the phase method! I'm using it and another method (one I created) to enter

Hey! Glad to hear the Phase has been helpful for you! Happy to answer your question, but it’s a bit more complicated than a yes/no answer and I’m feeling rambly today so you’re gonna get a whole backstory on how this blog came to be 😂

Backstory about me & this blog

I’d been in the personal development manifestation community since around 2016, and it was my life for a long time. But the kind of manifesting these people taught was basically like… wake up at 5am, work out, journal, meditate, shadow work, tarot cards, affirmations, cold showers, start a business, post no less than 10 times a day across your 5+ social media channels, and maybe if you hustle hard enough and cleared enough past life karma and Mercury isn’t retrograde, then the universe might grant your wishes... (if you don’t die of exhaustion first. 😅)

It really was a mess and realize now despite the facade of positive thinking and good vibes, the whole community really just keeps themselves identifying with lack & victim mentality so the coaches at the top profit off everyone else’s misery.

I believed in manifesting and had faith I would achieve my goals, but despite years of trying a million different things, only saw small or short-term successes and never seemed to get anywhere. I was feeling pretty burnt out and miserable, so summer 2023 I decided to stop trying so hard and just spend some time focused on myself and what I wanted. I went back to the two methods that I’ve always loved and had success with: affirmations and tapping.

I tapped every day and started making affirmation art and lockscreen wallpaper for fun. I posted the affirmations on Pinterest, which eventually lead me to finding affirmations pinned from tumblr. I think it was a screenshot from blushydior I saw at first, but her blog was deactivated by then. So I started stumbling around tumblr (around Aug-Sept 2023 at this point), where I eventually came across loa, the void, and shifting.

I was surprised because despite my extreme research into all things personal development & spiritual, I’d never heard of it. Although I’d read about quantum physics and more supernatural things, every coach/teacher had major limits. “Manifesting” only meant getting logical earth things like making 6 figures in your business through hard work and hustle so you can afford to travel and buy luxury cars & Chanel bags. Stuff like changing the past, waking up with all your desires, etc was absolutely impossible and not even talked about except “you can’t change the past”.

So having only heard about these incredible overnight life-changing manifestations from tumblr, I was skeptical and wanted more information. I basically started this blog to collect information from outside tumblr to prove it to myself and share with others. Which of course sent me down a rabbit hole of research and overconsumption and overcomplicating the void 😅

I did get kinda obsessed and throw myself into trying every shifting & void method I saw right away, which just left me frustrated with “failed” attempts. But I see now I was just repeating the same victim mentality from the old community - that everything had to be hard and a struggle, that I was a victim of circumstance and limited by a higher power. (This is also a really commonly held limiting belief in religion and society in general that affects many people.)

It took me more than a few months to realize, but I’m finally switching my default programming to that of a creator instead of a victim. Because I don’t want to be obsessed and put the void on a pedestal, I’m currently just working on my self concept that I am in control of my reality and can manifest whatever I want - with or without the void. I still do want to experience it of course, just want to make sure I’m going at it with a healthy mindset.

However!

About a week or two ago I read someone’s void success story that triggered a memory from many years ago: I realized I actually did wake up in the void and manifested something, long before I even knew what manifesting or the void was 😭 Because I’d always believed in supernatural things, I thought I had a “psychic dream” but now I know it was the void! (If anyone wants storytime I can make another post with more detail).

And since at the time, I entered without even knowing about the void’s existence, I realize we here or tumblr really do overcomplicate it. Like the video I posted where the void is described as the midway point between wake and sleep - it really is that simple!

I’ve noticed now that whenever I wake up naturally (not getting woken up by an alarm, outside noise, or cat jumping on me) I do always seem to wake up in the void. It’s the same kind of experience, and I don’t hear anything, but my first natural instinct when I wake up is to wonder where the sounds of my environment are. So I end up tuning in to my room and snapping out of the void.

I guess I just have to train myself to make my first thought an affirmation for my desires instead of just wondering where the sounds are 😅 But regardless, now I know it’s absolutely real and possible for me, I know it’s only a matter of time until I figure it out!

[tiny-breadcrumbs]

Of Pencil and Paper

(Trigger warning: mention of Sexual Assault and self harm)

People often ask why I stay with analog medium? The world is moving, digital art is growing fast and it does perform better on industrial scale. But I can never find how to answer that question without it sounded like I'm selling a sad story. So a lot of people only get the "I don't like it" answer. Short and simple. Yet sometimes, I can see the prejudice in their eyes, how arrogant, they said.

It's unhealthy. I almost conviced myself that I simply didn't like it when the root was deeper than that. It's easier to tell the lie, to sounds like an arrogant old school artist who dislike digital art with passion. No, never that. I like the texture of paper and the smell of wet paint. Not in the artistic sense, at least not at first, I found peace in that because they once saved me from my darkest days. Thus, they are familiar.

I always love a story. Consuming one or writing it myself. Yeah, I used to write. Ten years old me have a dream to be a novelist. And it all shattered when I'm thirteen. I'm sexually assaulted by one of the teacher in my school. At school hour, in an empty classroom because everyone else in a middle of morning prayer and I'm the only kid at that time with different believe. And everything spiralling down from there. It was a prestigious school I study hard to get in, that jerk used to be everyone favorite teacher including me, now, I saw that place like a hell on earth.

I never get justice. Never. Me and family being silenced for the sake of keeping the school reputation, with just a word of apology and so called promise to never repeat. As if the SA trauma can be healed like that. But world is unfair and the society is in the hand of the rich. My family is in minority from every aspect, ethnic, religion stance, society, even economy. The school even has the audacity to blackmailing us, they said I'm alone in the classrom that day because I've been writing porn on my book. The book they already confiscated and read. The book where thirteen years old me write a silly treasure hunt story. I've never saw that book again.

You see, I have a lot of issue at that time. We don't even have money to pay for therapist. Nor we can get a free counseling for victim because the case was never disclosed. The school have connection with the local police and I can just bury that injustice deep in me. At one point it almost reach a self harm. I used to scrubbing my skin until it was red, but the phantom hands still there, and I very tempted to peel it out. My family hid all the sharp object, I think I scare them badly. But I found a single pencil. Unfortunately (or fortunately) not sharp. I run it across my skin, but they didn't tear. So I take it on paper.

At first, maybe I'm doing art as some kind of therapy. I pour all that anger and disgust on paper, for months it was all angry lines and colours. The texture as I scratch the pencil, the slash of black it made across the white paper, it strangely satisfying. A little bit sadistic perhaps, because I'm doing it with the face of a demon that appear every night in my dreams, that person face. But my family keep giving me more paper, they told me to keep going. By the time I'm calm enough, when I finally graduate, I start to turn that lines into a drawing. I love a story. And because words now terrify me, I finally learn how to draw.

With times, I learn to enjoy it for the fun and all the beauty in it.

The thing is, all that sensory experience became a habit. I need to feel the paper, I need to hold a wooden pencil, a wooden brush, I need to smell the paint, so I feel safe enough to concentrate and lose myself in arts. So I can loosen up a little bit and not being so hypervigilant. Maybe I'm afraid the screen and digital art can't provide me that sense of safety. That smooth glide on the screen gave me dissasociative feeling and freak me out. I try it before and nope out so fast my last bit of paint on the pallete was not even dry yet. I enjoy digital arts when I'm not the one doing it and good for all those illustrator that can make it to the industry. But I'm here first and foremost to keep myself sane.

I'm okay now. Fabulous. Fewer and fewer relapse over the years. By the time I'm fixing all my family financial problem and finally have enough to find a therapist, they said I already handle myself good. I'm carrying thirteen years old me crawling out from that dark pit with sheer spite and luck for finding the perfect outlet to regulate that negative emotion. Giving myself an art therapy without even realise it was one. I can talk freely about that now, maybe I finally find that peace with myself.

So, do you see how long this is? Thats why I take a two minute silence whenever someone ask me why I did not do digital art when I have a potential to make more money with it. How do you even explain this? And I don't think they will care. We Asian do not believe in mental health issue 😂😂 why so weak? So saying I simply doesn't like it looks like the fastest way to give answer and switch topic. Not a lie, but not the truth either.

But my therapist told me to write this out because they think it can help someone out there about the story of art therapy, and here it is. Next time when you are about to ask and pester someone about why they didn't switch into digital art, perhaps do it on a kinder tone. Maybe they have more story behind that, big or small.

If this resonate with you, here, let me give you a hug. You are a survivor and so damn strong, I'm super proud of you!

May the world be kinder to you today, tomorrow, and many years to come.

[motsimages]

Since that article about physical contact vs non-physical contact in different countries, here are some experiences I've had about it:

Usamericans are, by far, the most different from my experience. They are the only ones that get physically tense if you unexpectedly touch them, the only ones that would make a step back if you get to close so as to keep their personal space safe. The first time I met a Usamerican, he was my age (17 at the time), and he was staying in my house for a week as part of an exchange program. My mother felt that he was always very tense, that he needed to relax and so she did what every Spanish mother in her place would do: hug him, hold him, touch him and feed him. He would only get tenser, to my mother's frustration. Nobody explained us or him that the reason he was so tense in our house was the incredible amount of physical contact he was seeing and experiencing all the time by everyone. I have also met very huggy and physically affectionate usamericans and I wonder in which circles they usually move or where are they from because they are an exception. It was on the internet that I first saw "PDA" (public displays of affection) as something negative that people shouldn't do. I guess it comes from the US, it may also be a UK thing?? I don't know. It was confusing because people seem to get angry at it and I am like "what are you supposed to do then? How do people know you like them?" Also, learning that teachers are NOT (never ever) supposed to touch their students, I was in shock. What do you do with toddlers? They need physical affection and they will come up to you for it. What if a 12 year-old is crying? Aren't you going to at least confort them? How do you confort someone without touching them? Now that I know more about US culture, I wonder if white people are more distant than black people, or if religion plays a role.

Chinese and Japanese people I've met tend to keep their distance and may feel uncomfortable but, the ones I've had more contact with, soon get used to it and even enjoy it. I guess many won't or will find it invasive, but I have met some who went all in the moment they saw a world where you could hug people just because. I particularly remember two Chinese girls who, upon meeting a lot of Spanish people in France and seeing we were always hugging and touching, started to do it *way too much*, touching body parts you are not supposed to touch (like ass or boobs) because I guess for them it was all equally accessible/non-accessible, so we had to teach them to control themselves a bit. There was also a Japanese young man, a friend of a friend, who was shocked at first but then travelled around Europe and came back like "nobody was touching me :((((". He thought it was a European thing. He told me that back home in Japan, nobody would hug him, not even his mom.

Northern Europeans always keep their distance and won't hug you unless there is a need for it (and depending on the country/person, maybe not even then). Any other physical contact that is frequent in Spain, like grabbing someone's shoulder, is weird and could be interpreted as flirting. I have seen hugs and physical closeness in Sweedish series in situations that US series won't do, but I still had to tell my Northern European friends in Russia that, now that we were friends, I expected hugs and would ask for hugs frequently. Even with that, I once asked a Swiss friend for a hug and he went "why?". I was in shock. "What do you mean "why"? Because I want a hug? You shouldn't question hugs!". A Spanish friend in Switzerland told me that when she broke up with her boyfriend, her Swiss friend was there listening and giving company but not once did she got close enough to touch her. Not even for a hug. A Sweedish girl who couchsurfed at my place for a couple of weeks said that Madrid was the city of love because people were always hugging, snogging, kissing and touching each other everywhere (particularly couples).

A UK friend once told me about a girl he knew was feeling sad and he left her crying in her room and I was like "what the fuck. why would you leave her crying" and he said "that's what you do, if she wants to cry, you give her space" and I was like "listen to me: if a Spanish, and I would go as far as saying a Mediterranean, is crying, you better stay around. You keep an eye on them, you hug them, hold their hand, give them food. You do not leave someone who is crying and having a bad time alone unless they ask for it, and even then, you keep watch and check on them later on". He told me that you should leave English people alone when they are feeling blue (I can't promise I would do that but fair enough, I'll keep it in mind).

The UK is the only place where I don't know what is it that I do that people think not only that I'm flirting, but that things are happening between us, when I'm just there. I'm usually very good to know when I'm flirting and when I'm not but somebody may be interested. In the UK, it has happend a couple of times that we were having a normal conversation and then suddenly there was a certain complicity and I was there like "whaaaaat.... oh shit, I got in too close, didn't I? I may have touched their elbow on my way to the toilet or something".

Russians are surprisingly similar to Spanish, culturally and in character. There wasn't that much cultural shock there. They are not as touchy as Spanish people are, but they enjoy it, they hug people easily and they like physical closeness. Particularly, young girl-friends are very tactile, they often hold hands in the street, hug, etc. I have seen teenagers sitting on each other in public parks, I have seen couples hugging and kissing in the street. When travelling by train with my Spanish friend who lives in Switzerland, we chatted with some 50 year-old men in our wagon. She joked to one of them (in Spanish, I translated) and touched his arm to help drive the joke (he mentioned weaponry and she said "are these the Russian guns?"), and he didnt' bat an eye, he laughed and nodded. "Oh, they don't mind being touched" she pointed out.

Latin Americans seem to me just like Spanish, but they feel Spanish are cold and distant.

I think, amongst the Mediterraneans, we are all more or less the same, whether it's Europeans, Maghrebians, Balkans... I have a feeling that some Asian countries and some African countries might be similar too, but I don't have much experience with them.

I'd say the way it works in Spain is this: we touch people to communicate with them. It serves the purpose of showing we are there, we like your company, we are listening. If you paid attention, you could see who gets along with whom, who are closer friends or family by how they stand next to each other and how they touch each other.

I will end with an anecdote. I am currently interpreting psychological sessions for Russian refugees. We were in a session and the psychologist received a phone call, she excused herself saying that it was the doctor and maybe something had happened at school with her daughter. She apologised herself, she was only picking up in case there was an emergency. It wasn't the doctor so she asked to be called later but she was quickly given some good news before hanging up. She said "I apologise, but I need to share this with you." She shared the news with us, crying because she got emotional. My first instinct (that I noticed only because there was a Russian person there who may not be familiar with Spanish ways) was to touch her arm so she knew we were there. I asked her "do you want a hug?" and she said yes. So we hugged and the patient came to hug her as well, copying us. We stopped a professional work environment to hug a person who was celebrating some happy news, to help her regain composure and feel accompanied.

[kitttttchaos]

I have a message for American Christians and for Atheists, because oh my word, it is getting tough out here.

I’m about to make some heads roll with this one.

Firstly, American Christians. What are you doing?! Do you not understand that Trump is ABSOLUTELY NOT the second coming of Jesus? Like, are you crazy? There are so many things I could get into here, but the main thing is, Christianity is not Nationalism, and anyone who uses Christianity to defend violence is blaspheming Jesus’s name. Jesus came to LOVE people. John 3:17 says “For God did not send his son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” It is God’s job to judge sinners, not yours. Your job is to LOVE them. Jesus says in John 13:34-35 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” Do you not realize that by perpetuating hatred, people don’t see you as disciples of Jesus, who taught kindness and generosity, and love above all else—they see you as bullies. The phrase “there’s no hate like Christian love” isn’t woke propaganda, it’s a result of your ignorance. You band together in your little middle class groups, isolating yourself from people who need the Gospel, spewing lies about groups YOU DON’T EVEN ASSOCIATE WITH, attaching yourself to the organization and the facility of the church rather than to Jesus’s Word.

Do you not remember this:

“When the teachers of the law who were Pharisees saw Him eating with the sinners and tax collectors, they asked His disciples: “Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?”

On hearing this, Jesus said to them, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.””

Do you also not remember when the Pharisees caught a woman with a man who wasn’t her husband, and they dragged her out naked and through her in front of Jesus? The seventh commandment of the ten that God gave Moses in the Torah (the first five books of the Old Testament) was “do not commit adultery”, so this was a capital offense. But did Jesus, who had literally been saying this whole time that love was more important than all those other commandments, condemn this woman? Of course He didn’t. He said, “Let he who has not sinned throw the first stone.”

STOP BEING LIKE THE PHARISEES AND BE MORE LIKE JESUS. “FOR ALL HAVE SINNED AND FALL SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD.” (Roman’s 3:23) NOT JUST GAY PEOPLE AND PEOPLE WHO HAVE SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE. YOU HAVE ALSO SINNED. YOU’RE SINNING A HELL OF A LOT RIGHT NOW.

Ahem. Are the atheists still here? Just because I knocked the Christians off their high horse doesn’t mean it’s for sale.

Okay. Listen. Atheism is a religion. Most developed countries allow for freedom of religion. That’s important. Anyone is legally allowed to believe anything that they want. Period. Meaning that you are allowed to believe another person is wrong. This also falls under freedom of expression in some countries.

A lot (not all) of atheists that I know bitch and moan about Christians (or literally any other religion) trying to “force their religion” on them. Now, as a Christian, I do not believe in harassing people. No means no, and respect is important. I already went over how I feel that American Christians lack love and respect these days. But not all atheists are warm and fuzzy either. It is 100% your right to not believe in any god or practice any religion, and it is 100% your right to express that believe.

But you need to understand that when you attack and belittle people who practice religions, you are just as bad as the people who you condemn. An atheist who thinks they are doing a Christian “a favor” by “debunking” all of their beliefs is the same as a Christian who believes they are saving an atheist by sharing the Gospel. From an objective point of view, they are really no different. And atheists should think about how they feel when a religious person tries to upend all the science and reason and rationality that they believe to be true. Isn’t that an awful feeling? And does it make you feel good to hit Christians with that same dysphoria? I’m sure it does for a minute, but please understand that all religious people, not just Christians, have their beliefs sewn deep into their culture and their communities, and fostering seeds of doubt means jeopardizing relationships.

Someone I knew once threw a hissy fit because he went to a Muslim wedding, and his mom wasn’t allowed to show cleavage. Like, DUDE. Do you not understand how important modesty is to Muslim culture? They’re not asking you to pray five times a day facing Mecca. They’re asking you to be respectful of the other people at the wedding. The world is bigger than you, my guy.

What American Christians are doing right now is seriously wrong, but the atheists are being just as disrespectful. Both of them need to understand that if they want their beliefs to be respected, they should respect other people’s beliefs as well. I would venture to say this is true for all religions, but I personally haven’t had poor experiences with Hindus or Muslims.

You are well within your rights to share your beliefs, but PLEASE BE RESPECTFUL. Christians, stop trying to micromanage the Holy Spirit. Atheists, touch grass.

Again, THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT ALL ATHEISTS OR ALL AMERICAN CHRISTIANS. This is based on my personal experiences. Respectful atheists and respectful American Christians, please sound off in the reblogs so I know you exist.

As always, educate me if I’m misinformed. Thanks for sticking around this long.

-kit

[bonaesperanza]

7 and 17 for the ask game!

7. I'm gonna be honest and say that this happens very rarely to me because if there's one virtue I have (and I have very few of them) it's the capacity to attribute blame correctly. So if fandom is weird about a character I usually start hating the fandom and withdrawing from at least that part of it rather than letting it influence my opinion about the character. Alternately, I'll perhaps review the canon and realize that the fandom is right and I had skipped some key details about the character or how they were presented, which will make me change my opinion about the canon character or the canon's framework overall, but I don't think that's what the question is asking.

BUT there is one notable exception, and that's Dara from the Daevabad trilogy. Which is barely a fandom LOL, like the entire series gets 2 Tumblr posts every six months, but I do love those books and I do get livid about the way the fans treat this particular character to the point that each time I see fanart of him I recoil in disgust.

I put in a cut because this turned out longer and angrier than I expected lol but I guess that is the spirit of the poll?

Basically you know the age-old debate about whether Kylo Ren fans are racist towards Finn and whether Kylo is a better or worse character than Finn and whether people just like him more because he's white etc. etc.? I generally think that's a stupid thing to hoist onto the sequel fans when it's the canon itself that encourages a superficial reading of Kylo as tragic and dramatic and of Finn as a plucky comic relief guy whose emotions shouldn't be taken seriously. But Dara and Ali from Daevabad are the perfect examples of the trend the people who complain about it are trying to highlight and I reeeaaally wish those books were more famous in wider fandom circles because we would be Having so many Discussions about them.

Dara and Ali are basically the two angles of what's a lowkey love triangle with the series' (awesome!) protagonist, Nahri. In my eyes, Dara and Nahri have so little chemistry that I nearly quit the first book 30% in because I thought it would all be about them, but YMMV I guess. Then I saw Nahri and Ali interact once, thought "man, I wish these two were being set up for a grand romance instead" and was then thrilled to discover that actually they were and the author was clearly phoning in the Dara/Nahri parts because they were there to make a point rather than to be romantic or appealing.

Dara is an asshole, but in canon, he's a well-written asshole and there's a point to his characterization. He's an extremely talented Proud Warrior Guy who is really patriotic and cares about his family and his country and about making them proud. He's also arrogant and short-tempered, but so is Ali. The thing is, Dara's superiors send him to commit genocide, and Dara does so to mixed success. Then the people he's tried to genocide come for his own people to exact revenge and brutally kill his family. This all sparks a massive civil war, in the middle of which Dara ends up trapped in a Fate Worse Than Death kind of situation for thousands of years, until he is somehow saved and joins the protagonist. He feels anguished and vengeful about his family dying but is also still chauvinistic AF and never examines his own role in all of this. He still believes that blindly following authority and being loyal to people of his religion and ethnicity is his highest moral duty. This makes him commit even more war crimes, end up in another fate worse than death situation, and only manage to get out of it by sheer luck and through the other characters being kinder towards him than he would have been in their shoes. He also always thinks he knows better than anyone else and routinely overrides Nahri's wishes because he thinks he knows what's good for her.

Now, he also has positive traits, like he's a kind and patient teacher and has a code of honor etc. etc. but his narrative is clearly about radicalization and cycles of revenge and, well, toxic masculinity. There honestly isn't much else to him.

Ali is also stubborn and arrogant, quick to judge people who are different than him, and prone to foot-in-mouth incidents. He's more of a warrior poet type, equally badass but also bookish. BUT he's also Black and a practicing Muslim, which I guess puts some people off of him. The thing is, Ali is a wayyy more complex character than Dara, he has a whole-ass family and his relationship with every one of its members is lovingly and intricately drawn by the author, and he also has nuanced and complex thoughts about his code of ethics, the system of governance of his country, his religion, and many, many other things. He is put into a lot of interesting situations and forced to make many difficult choices and is just overall a more complex and interesting character.

And still! STILL! Like 80% of fanart and fan content for this series is all about Dara, a frankly quite unsympathetic character if you think about it for more than 0.2 seconds and the flattest one of the main three to boot. I would have been content to read Dara's canon story and recognize it for the well-crafted story it is and even empathize with him (he was quite young when all that happened to him) but the amount of passionate insistence by the fans that he is the poorest meow meow and so much hotter and more interesting than Ali makes me have an irrational and visceral negative reaction whenever I see him.

17. Superficial answer?

We need more Padmé Amidala/Asajj Ventress content. For some reason I really like the idea of the two of them together and there are like 4 fics with them on Ao3 of which 3 are orgy fics with 10 different characters. The reason I like the idea of the two of them together is totally not because they represent the two types of women I tend to develop crushes on and I'm just mashing my dolls together.

Deeper answer?

I really really love those posts where people apply whichever discipline they're working in or are passionate about to fandom works? Like that biologist who made up a theory according to which Wookies and Caminoans have a common ancestor?

I can never get enough of that and wish I could see it more often. I want more biologists squinting at the weird plants in the back of scifi series. I want political theorists to try to make sense of the politics in Vorkosigan. I want art historians to try to develop a theory of how art and fashion changed between Hot and GOT.

Make me a bastard child of your fandom special interest and your professional special interest. I will eat it up, I promise.

[spotsupstuff]

What do you think about the RW ships? just curious is all.

hmmm.. well! first i do wanna preface this with the obligatory "i'm not hating on anybody with this, u do u and i do me is my genuine philosophy. i'll respect u from the distance if you do the same for me"

aight so i'm not gon list every ship in the fandom that has spawned in outta the stardust n give my specific opinion on it, cuz i'm not exactly keepin up

the only two ships i don't mind n find cute on the paper are NSH x Moon and Arti x Gour cuz both of them have that Old People Love Each Other in Easy Peace Despite The Circumstances Surrounding Them kick to them. i'm a weak bitch for that type of troupe for romantic relationships. not gon do anythin with 'em in my own stuff, though

i find myself more interested in the entirely and wholly platonic interpretation of everything in the game. platonic love is a matter of course, makin the story flow feel more smoother to me for that while also stayin nicely close to that religious narrative of the game (u can fight me on this but the Ancients' religion isn't *wrong*. the bad thing that happened with it is that it was taken to extremes and variety wasn't allowed. i could tell you why riddin oneself of the third and fifth sin isn't a bad idea at all- afterall, i kind of live by that myself!- and what they probably meant by riddin yourself of the sins without the extremist approach)

for the other ships... 🤔

well, the iterators are far too rooted in my head as sibs to vibe with ships with them, but more properly told: • Suns and Pebs are too much of "teacher and naive student" to me and i also find this dynamic more interesting to explore. uuuuu how spicy it is to think of Suns brainwashing Pebs but meaning it well uuuuuuuuuu • Suns and NSH are... let's just say that if i was in NSH's place and Suns talked to me like that i'd slap them so fuckin hard n if i WAS in a romantic relationship with them i'd dump them then and there (not in a bitchy ex kind of way, i'd be still down to talk, but i can't imagine bein in a relationship where the other half calls the most likely inevitable death of your closest friend a "setback" to their brainwashing of that friend's little brother would be Very healthy) • n i think what is the only other iterator ship left, Sliver and Moon... i find it kind of silly, honestly? like as far as *i* know the main reason why that exists is cuz Moon remembers what happened with Sliver after being given her own pearl about some notes she wrote herself on Sliver despite being baround three gazillion bagillion braincells short. i don't really see that as a strong incentive to start shippin 'em cuz like. you give Moon a very solid memory jogger and right in her second set of monologue she states that Sliver is literally a legend among the itties-titties. the best i can compare it to a real life thing is asking an american if they have any idea who Abraham Lincoln was at all. or asking a slovak if they knew who Finally managed to solidly establish our language after centuries of oppression. like of Course you're going to know That even on ur deathbed??? those are incredibly important historical figures for you n your home!!! also c'mon she remembers the feckin bug pupae, if THAT stuck in there this big boy info is def gon be kickin around

as for the slugcats... well ehh..... you can probably guess from what i mainly draw that i'm not Too focused on the slugs, only maybe Hunter so my slugshippin lore knowledge is p weak. when i first saw the slugshippin take off before i started postin bout RW again i thought it was silly to ship animals n still kinda do? 🤷‍♀️ doesn't help that canonically they have no business meeting each other except Monk n Surv (that is a strong No to shippin) and Hunter's writhing corpse n Gour (we are Not ducks we do not support necrophilia). i generally like to stick to the timeline, personally. good world-building. i respect good world-building too much to deviate too hard

BUT! i am going to use my status as pre-Downpour RW veteran and tell you to not listen to the whiny wrinkly babies in the tag that wail about how slugshippin is ruining the fandom. fuck 'em bitches, you do what u wanna (within moral common sense)

[thatautisticlesbian]

If I could go back and do life over again, I would have one question, with whom?

It wouldn't matter if I were a girl from the start if it was with my parents again, I couldn't survive that again another 18 years of abuse would break me

But if it was with even a half decent family I would even if I wasn't a girl, I could work on my disability early before it was even discovered I would know what it was, would save me countless years of trying to figure it out and I could work on my transition early I wouldn't almost die many times I would stoll carry my hurt from now but being loved from the start would ease that, I would be almost 38 by the time I was an adult again but I would have experienced childhood, a first love a first dance staying up all night having fun with friends, fair punishment and gracious love, Saturday morning cartoons and actually buying that Lego set in the store, oh now I'm crying, I really wanted that Lego set I should buy it for little me, I think that would be good, to be able to have been a real 2000s child and not the perversion my parents made me into even if I was still disabled I want something closer to childhood. Even if I lagged behind the rest of the group to have one friend who would walk with me and not have that person be the teacher or a person who felt bad, to take the opportunities I didn't see, I think she might have been flirting with me to be more confident, to not have my mind hostiled by that which I saw mainly religion and one gif to not be afraid of people yelling normality to have friends and grow up with them not having more time then I am years old to love and be loved. Being invited to a party stay out late and sneak back home, a real prom, a highschool romance not whatever I had, to be perfect not feel like ripping my fuckin arms open, to be close to my girlfriends, to not be know as the kid whose parents never let them do anything, to not be having a breakdown while studying for my midterm in like 10 hours to be good at something cool to not be so weird and worried to understand more, to have a body that knows what it wants, to not hurt every second. To have lived and not just had life. Normality normality normality normality normality

[squeakintothevoid]

I decided to stop lurking and actually post my thoughts somewhere because of my man Larry here, who shared his reaction to "The Sound of Silence" covered by Disturbed. I've listened to the original by Simon & Garfunkel before but didn't pay much attention to the words. I mean, it's just that memed depression song, right?

What folly! I have failed ye, Simon & Garfunkel! But Disturbed's video made me pay attention to the obvious message:

“This is a song about the inability of people to communicate with each other"

—Art Garfunkel

Okay, I get the point. Now, if I may, I will disturb the sound of silence (ha) to share my own thoughts while I was listening to the song:

[Verse 1] Hello darkness, my old friend I've come to talk with you again Because a vision softly creeping Left its seeds while I was sleeping And the vision that was planted in my brain Still remains within the sound of silence

Let me give you some context about my life. I have social anxiety. Or did, I might not meet the criteria anymore. But woah boy, did I have social anxiety. I mean, sometimes I'd try to speak and simply could not make a sound. That's how paralyzing my fear of speaking was. I know now that this fear came from being ignored as a kid plus a heaping of religious trauma. Growing up, I'd hear some teachers or friends say it's okay, just say what you want, be yourself. Sure, whatever. I didn't really believe them due to not being noticed very much the rest of the time. I thought: I don't even have anything to say and if I did, why would I risk telling anyone? But that positive messaging still seeped in my brain somehow where it remained dormant.

[Verse 2] In restless dreams, I walked alone Narrow streets of cobblestone 'Neath the halo of a street lamp I turned my collar to the cold and damp When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light That split the night, and touched the sound of silence

Of course, I still had thoughts and emotions to say even though I kept them inside. At age 10, I thought I was like a wise ninja, only speaking when necessary, but really I was emotionally stunted and always afraid. I slowly learned how to socialize though, but real progress was made when I started gaining confidence and trust in myself. Mainly because of movies and music. And the few solid people I could trust in my life.

More context about me: I was raised Mormon (Latter-day saint). So like, in a cult. Or a "high-demand religion" if "cult" is too much of a buzzword for ya. Anyway, I ended up attending BYU, a Mormon college that will kick you out for not conforming to their strict "honor" code. I was understandably depressed while I was there. Except I didn't understand why at the time.

Then my eyes were stabbed by the neon light of Freddie Mercury.

For real though, Queen, among other artists, helped me see that I felt stuck, and that the next step on my hero's journey was to break free from Mormonism and my parent's expectations (and somehow not get expelled and homeless at the same time). To have confidence in myself and keep myself alive.

[Verse 3] And in the naked light I saw Ten thousand people, maybe more People talking without speaking People hearing without listening People writing songs that voices never shared And no one dared disturb the sound of silence

So now I was aware of how sinister and blatantly false Mormonism was. In a university full of devout followers that will tattle on you. Followers only talking about what they're allowed to talk about, and anyone who stands out is shut down. Everything seemed so platitudinous and hateful now. Man, I wasn't ever thinking for myself before, was I? I knew there were other people at BYU in my situation, because they said so on reddit, but I didn't dare make my thoughts known to anyone in person.

[Verse 4] "Fools," said I, "You do not know Silence like a cancer grows Hear my words that I might teach you Take my arms that I might reach you" But my words, like silent raindrops, fell And echoed in the wells of silence

Simon speaks like a prophet. In Mormonism, you have a prophet that claims to be speaking the words of God. So like, you gotta listen to him or go to hell. Actually, Mormons don't really have the same idea of hell as mainstream Christianity, but you definitely won't get into the special VIP top level of heaven if you don't shut up and obey the prophet with exactness. Prophets give you commandments. Prophets tell you to give all your time, talents, and money to the LDS church. (Although they only enforce giving 10% of your income.)

But Simon isn't really speaking to tell you what to do and not do. He, like most artists, is trying to reach out to you. To emotionally express himself and encourage others to do the same. It's a refreshing idea of what a prophet could be. He's calling us fools not because we are sinners, but because he wants to share what he has learned. His writing isn't to make a cash grab (I think lol), but catchy music that can be echoed in the background tends to get the best sales.

[Verse 5] And the people bowed and prayed To the neon god they made And the sign flashed out its warning In the words that it was forming And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls and tenement halls And whispered in the sound of silence"

Most people see the "neon god" line as a critique of consumerism, and I wouldn't disagree. It's sad that television and music in many ways raised me better than my parents, that the religious texts that promised me spiritual awakening didn't have shit on Freddie's whimsical ballads. But these "neon signs" are what saved me, no matter how cringe that sounds. I wouldn't be as daring to make real world connections if it weren't for media and the internet.

Following fandoms, lurking on tumblr, sending superwholock memes to my friends, watching stupid youtube crack videos, staying up late just vibing to the music I had. These are my prophets. It's sharing all these little pop culture things that culminated in me finally realizing that I'm alright as I am, even with my cringe hyperfixations. That maybe I can slowly learn how to speak my truth and say with a newfound sense of confidence that I do want extra ketchup. Or that I'm rejecting my parent's one true religion.

It's all good now, I never got expelled nor disowned as I feared, but I'm still healing from things. I can't say I'm a beacon of self-confidence either (right now, I'm worried this whole post is too long and pretentious). So if you took the time to read this, thanks! I know tumblr can be a hellscape of a site but I appreciate y'all. It's our little ramblings that get us through the day when we feel like nobody understands us. Here's to the whispers in the tenement halls!

Yes, I did shoehorn a spn gif in my first tumblr post, what are ya gonna do about it?

[nerdygaymormon]

hello! o/ im a queer teenager from canada! i lead my highschool's gsa and am very active in the queer community around us. we raised $800 for the Trevor Project last year, raised $500 towards a chest binder breakroom at our school and are officially putting on the school's first all-age queer prom this may!

however, im very confused at the moment. i grew up in an atheist household and have never really found myself believing in God or anything religious. while i still dont think i believe ALL of it, lately ive been doing a lot of thinking after finding an old pocket bible that belonged to my great grandmother (she practically raised me but i never knew she was religious, she never mentioned it at all) and flipping through it and reading her flagged scriptures (i believe thats what theyre called, forgive me if im wrong), etc.

i then resorted to the internet and have been doing a bit of research and am now very conflicted about my feelings and beliefs. i now have moments where i genuinely believe there is something/someone divine out there. i find myself... almost talking to it, sometimes? i dont really know how to describe it. i even tried praying the other day for the first time in my life. (i probably didnt do it right if theres a proper way, but the point is i did it and i surprised myself.)

even though i have these moments, i still have times where i doubt it all. aside from the occasional joke, ive always done my best to be respectful of people's faith, but never saw myself believing until now. and when i say believe, like i said before, it isnt all of it. (like the creation of the world, etc)

i feel sort of fake in a way i dont know how to describe because of my conflicted feelings and how i dont believe everything. there are a lot of things i want to say about it but i really cant pull words from the emotions and i keep trying to. i also dont really have anyone in my life who i can talk to about this stuff. my family will not take me seriously and none of my friends and teachers are religious.

i dont know if you take asks like this, and its totally fine if you dont, but if you have any kind of advice it would be greatly appreciated.

sorry for the long ask, but thanks so much! hope youre having a wonderful day my friend 🤍

Congratulations for all you accomplish for queer students at your school! That's amazing!!!

That you find some aspects with religion resonates with you shouldn't be surprising or upsetting. Humans have been creating and practicing religions since before there was recorded history. There seems to be a need that is satisfied by religion.

In a broad sense, religion does 3 thing:

1. It provides an explanation for natural phenomena. Why is the ground shaking? Why did the sun go dark temporarily? Why is there a drought? Why is dad sick? Why did a hurricane pummel New Orleans?

2. Religions provide meaning to life. Religion provides answers for what is the purpose of life and what happens when we die. Religions are a vehicle for passing along the wisdom from past generations from hundreds and thousands of years ago.

3. Religion helps humans build community and encourages cooperation among those who believe. Religious belief also helps people develop self-discipline. Unfortunately, religions also have been used to define who is in a community and who is not, and this has led to a lot of harm and even wars

Beyond all these macro reasons, religion is experienced at the individual level. An individual prays and receive comfort and answers and feels a larger entity cares about them. Their faith gives them a purpose. They have a community that is meaningful in their lives. This is part of the truth of their lived experience and can't be easily quantified. It's what makes religion still relevant in the lives of many people today

[radicalitch]

when i was in high school my religion teacher told my class she knew a priest in college who saw someone climb up a wall like a spider bc they were possessed after playing with a ouija board…she wasn’t even an old nun she was a millennial married mom…how the hell was i supposed to sit there and take things seriously after that…

needless to say i bought a ouija board after getting my first job and I’ve used it and I still haven’t been possessed nor climbed any walls like a spider :-(