#saw a post about how daydreaming is bad for mental health

[slowtides]

when sinead o'connor said "it is no measure of health to be well-adjusted in a profoundly sick society."

[lucy90712]

Road to recovery- part 8

Masterlist

Part of me was hoping that the hate would slow down a bit but of course it didn't. Every time I checked any form of social media all I saw was people posting about how much they didn't like me and assuming that I'm only friends with Pablo to gain something. I thought I'd be able to handle the comments but I just can't there has been so many more than I thought there would be and people have said such hurtful things about my appearance and my character. Pablo keeps apologising and asking if I'm ok and I just keep telling him I'm fine which is a bit of a lie but I can tell he already feels bad enough I don't want to make him feel worse by telling him how I really feel. The worst part about it is that everyone seems to be drawing attention to the things I was already insecure about which hasn't helped my mental state at all.

Today though I have a chance to cheer myself up a bit as I have a big check up with my doctor to see how my recovery is progressing. I think it's going pretty good so hopefully he agrees and says something positive as that would really lift my spirits. I've been nervous about the appointment today as well which has really made the last few days even more challenging on my mental health but I'm trying to stay positive as I know wallowing in sadness and anxiety won't do me any good. 

Alonso came to pick me up a bit before my appointment; when I got in the car I expected him to tease me about everything that happened with the game this weekend but he didn't instead he asked if I was ok. I was going to lie to him too but because he's my brother he knows exactly when I'm lying so I had to tell him the truth. It was kind of nice to get all of my feelings off my chest and Alonso was really supportive and gave me some good advice. He's been through things like this before with getting hate for his performances out on track so he told me to just delete the apps off my phone for a bit that way I'm not tempted to look at what people are saying. In fact he stole my phone and did it for me as I think he knew I probably wouldn't do it myself. 

Once I had my phone back I went into the hospital on my own leaving Alonso to wait in the car for me. The wait for my appointment wasn't long at all and then I went in and was immediately taken for some new scans to see how everything was healing. After scans I was subjected to a load of tests on my range of movement, how much weight I could put on my leg and how much pain I was in. The testing was rigorous and honestly quite exhausting as it's been a long time since I've done this much movement with my knee but for the most part it felt good. After I had done everything the doctor left for a while to review it all and look at my scans which left me just staring at the wall hoping to hear good news. Just as I was daydreaming the door opened again and the doctor came back in, his expression was impossible to read which for some reason filled me with a few more nerves.

"Ok Lola things aren't progressing as we would like them too internally you aren't healing as quick as we thought you would and your movement isn't at the range we would expect it to be" he said 

"What does that mean?" I asked holding back tears 

"For now it doesn't mean too much this can happen as we can't always accurately predict how quickly people will recover but we will set another one of these appointments in a few weeks and if we aren't seeing improvement you may need a second surgery so that we can see what's going on" the doctor explained 

"Ok" was all I could manage to say 

"I know this isn't what you wanted to hear but don't let it discourage you if you keep working hard you won't need the surgery" he said 

We scheduled my next appointment and that was as long as I could hold it together. All of my emotions that I'd been holding onto for the last few days came out all at once, as soon as I left the hospital doors I burst into tears and I couldn't do anything to stop them. I made my way back to where Alonso parked but before I could get into the car Alonso had got out and wrapped me in his arms. He tried to get me to stop crying and tell him what was wrong but I just couldn't he tried everything to help me all of which had worked before but today nothing could stop me. Eventually he gave up and let me get in the car so we could go home because right now all I want is to just go home and get to grips with my emotions as I clearly have a lot to process. 

As much as my eyes were filled with tears I could tell that Alonso didn't take the turn to take me back to my place which meant he was going to take me somewhere in hopes of cheering me up. I really didn't want to go wherever it was he was planning to go but I was sobbing too much to tell him to take me home. We went a bit further before the car stopped and I looked round a bit as at first I didn't recognise where we were but then I saw Pablo's house and realised we were just down the street. I should've known Alonso was going to bring me here but this is the last place I want to be I don't want Pablo to see me like this. I knew we said we would help each other out but I know for a fact Pablo is doing better and I know he's in a better place mentally and I don't want to ruin that by projecting my problems onto him that wouldn't be fair. 

Alonso had to practically drag me out of the car and down the road which was rather easy for him as I'm not strong enough to put up too much of a fight. We walked down the street to Pablo's house where Alonso left me to ring the doorbell, part of me was hoping that he wouldn't be in even though he said he had no plans today. Of course after just a few seconds the door opened and I locked eyes with Pablo who straight away rushed over as quick as he could and wrapped me up in his arms. I wanted to stop crying but for some reason I only cried more once I was in Pablo's arms it was like he made me feel safe enough to truly let all of my feelings out. Pablo said a few words to my brother before taking me inside and allowing him to leave. 

Pablo took me to the sofa and allowed me to settle into his embrace with my head buried in his chest so he couldn't see my tear stained and probably red and puffy face. His hand was gently stroking my back trying to calm me down while he whispered comforting words in my ears. It wasn't anything special what he was doing but hearing his words and feeling his hands on me did wonders in helping calm my emotions which I didn't have any control over. As my tears began to slow down Pablo kept rubbing my back and he even wiped some of the tears from my face that he could reach as I was still hiding most of my face. I never would've thought he would be so good at comforting me I mean he's always so hyper and full of energy I never imagined that he'd be any good at keeping calm and radiating that onto others but clearly he is. Once I had completely stopped crying and my breathing was getting back to normal Pablo put a hand under my chin and got me to look at him.

"Can you tell me what's wrong I hate seeing you so upset and I want to help" he said 

"The doctor said my knee isn't healing properly and I might need another surgery if things don't get better" I said still sniffling slightly 

"I'm sorry that sounds awful but that's not the only thing on your mind is it" he probed further 

"No that's it" I lied 

"Don't lie to me please just tell me what's wrong I'll do whatever I can to help and I won't judge you you know that" he said 

Damn why doesn't he have to be able to read me like a book.

"Ok I've been getting a lot of hate since we were seen together at the game and it's been getting to me a bit I thought I could handle it as I'm used to criticism but I can't some people are just so mean" I admitted letting a few more tears fall 

"I knew it was getting to you people on social media are assholes because they don't feel the consequences of what they say but none of what they say is true" he said 

"But they keep talking about how I must be using you or how I don't deserve to even be friends with you which that part is kind of true" I rambled 

"No it's not true I can't even imagine what my life would be like without you I love spending time with you just because you aren't famous doesn't mean you don't deserve to be friends with me and despite what they say I know you aren't using me I know you would never do that" he said 

"And before you say anything all of the things they say about your appearance aren't true either you are beautiful inside and out and they are just jealous" he added 

Hearing him say that put a smile on my face. Pablo has never really complimented me before he's told me my outfit was cool a few times but he's never called me beautiful so hearing it made me feel a lot better about myself. He must've noticed that I was finally smiling again as he told me I looked pretty when I smiled which only made my cheeks heat up but luckily my face was already red from crying so Pablo probably wouldn't have noticed. Although I kind of wish he knew how he made me feel because as time goes on it's getting harder and harder to hide my true feelings from him. 

Pablo's POV

The pain in her eyes just shattered my heart. She's been my rock throughout every step of the way so far so to see her breakdown right in front of me really hurt. This whole time she's been the strong one never letting anything get to her but finally it's caught up with her and part of it's my fault because we got seen together at the game and now people are tearing her apart and one person can only handle so much. I feel so awful that I'm part of the reason she's so upset but knowing that I can be there for her and calm her down makes me feel a bit better. When she arrived she was hysterical and her brother told me he couldn't get a word out of her so he wanted me to try so that's what I did. I'm not very good at keeping myself calm at times let alone other people but I tried my best and after a while of just rubbing her back and whispering to her she calmed down. It felt good to be the one to help her because she's done so much for me that anything I can do to even remotely repay that I'll do in a heartbeat.

Hearing the way she criticised herself as well it pained me. She's the most beautiful and kind person I've ever met so to hear her say that she thought she didn't deserve to be friends with me hurt but what hurt more was to see that those horrible people got to her and made her feel insecure in herself. Throughout the time we've known each other I've always wanted to tell her just how beautiful she is but I've refrained as I know once I open the flood gates there's no going back. Once I start complimenting her I'm scared that I'll let my feelings show but today she needed it so I knew I had to take the risk. Seeing the smile that my compliments gave her made the risk feel worth it though as I'd do anything to keep her smiling 24/7.

Looking into her eyes as she smiled and blushed at my words made me feel some type of way. I've felt something for her since we first met and I've kept those feelings repressed until now but I don't know if I can do it any longer. She's just the most perfect girl I've ever met and I don't want to lose her whether that be to another guy or to the fear of what us being friends might mean for her. I have to tell her how I feel in hopes that as long as she feels the same way it gives her a reason to stick around even when things are tough like they are right now. As scary as it is I have to take the risk. 

[swimmingclass1978]

About me (it pretty late but what ever) :

- so my name is Ariel / Ane 😃

-im a minor if i ever follow your page and you have some nsfw content then dw it was either an accident or i followed you bc of some regular looking post

-your honor im just a silly guy when it comes to the ghostface mask on women (or particualarly hot men)

-im so desperate for a girlfriend its not even funny

-loyal to one mutal and the other one is low key just there lol

- james/remus/barty kinnes im waiting please notice me

-this is basically a call for help lol

-a hellenic pagan but its new so let me be, no convering christians allowed

-Lady Hecate devotee❤️

-slytherin/ravenclaw but if i like you then im giving kinda griffindor energy? Tho i get tired easily and my social battery is lasting max of an hour, in the end of the day im a slytherin bro all the creepy shit i know is proving it

-I'm fine with any pronouns really but mostly he/she, they is also great but she has a special place in my heart even tho i hate it sometimes and he makes me want to scream and giggle

-so im a girl kisser and ace but i don't think i would date amab people. Its nothing personal just my preference but it also depends. (Idk why i put it here its kind of personal need for me to say)

-my favourite colour is green, but like deep green or like dead green not neon green and i also love deep red and black OH AND PURPLE BECAUSE I SAW A DORCAS FANART IN PURPLR AND OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

-im a yapper here but irl i don't talk much

-i love love LOVE true crime, canibalism and necrophilia like if you ever gonna ask me how bodies decompose and then listen to me yap im gonna marry you without questions,

-my natice language is polish but i also speak english tho its not as good as i wish it would be. Im also learning spanish (DO NOT ASK ME ANYTHING IN SPANISH ITS SHIT) and im learning latin on duolingo (i blame donna tartt)

-im obsessed with collecting little animal figures/plushies and giving them names????

-i love reading and all the crafty things like painting, drawing and diy and id love to learn book binding one day even if my printer doesn't agree with me (update: i've binded my own fic it went at least bad)

-im also a poet and a writer so i suffer from creativity more times then id like to but i unfortunatelly love it all too much 😔 i don't publish my poems bc i fear they are not very good but i wish to be a published book author one day

-if you are a hater or use any of these tags: anti <character/ship name> or pro <character/ship name> or you are a canon fanatic who can't stand people having fun then dni bcz i dont want any of your toxic bs on my blog or in my dms/asks thank you very much

- if you want to share you homo/transphobic bs then get out and never come back

-adhd

-im a sucker for good no voldy hogwarts jegulus aus tbh, amd anything that contains slytherin skittles or black brothers/sisters, i love them

-i'm an attention seeking whore when it comes to comments under my ao3 fics im not joking when i say this

-classic literature enthusiastist and Balladyna lover literalnie to moja zona wdym ze ona nie zyje? Zyje w moim sercu

Fandoms:

-marauders - ao3 hates to see me coming

-greek mythology

- percy jackson

-good omens, i love them but considering things that have been happening then i dont think we will be getting seson 3 anytime soon :((( (update: nail count your fucking days and pray i won't finf out where you live)

-the poppy war thrilogy (started reading age 9 and kinda reggret it but happily it didn't caused me as much of my mental health as i thought) (dont repeat my mistake tho) (i'm weird now)

- bsd but i cant remember all the names yet I know whats going on so its fine

-TPN in every daydreaming sesion i gotta do an au someone as the main 3 its an addiction to amgst at this point. Also im making a petition on recreating season 2 so it will follow the manga

-The secret history and dps my friends hate me in atumn because of those two

FAVE MUSIC ARTISTS/BANDS: Mitski, Radiohead, Gigi Perez, billie eilish, tv girl, i fear that a bit tyler the creator and chldlish gambino since its winter again (i only listen to him in winter???), the hazbin hotel soumdtrack....?, CZAPEL ROAWR 🗣🗣🗣🦅🦅🦅🦖🦖🦖

FAVE FILMS/BOOKS/BOOK SERIES': Dead Poets Society (book and the movie), 10 things i hate about you, Chłopi (movie and the book), song of the achilles, illiad, lapvona, seven hisbands of evelyn hugo, balladyna kochana moja, prolly more idk its late now,

Current body count: seven kids in my basement, three burried in my garden (i do not have a garden)

I can be very funny believe me 🙏🙏🙏

Im also a charlie kirk hater and a feminist

I do not know math but my esseys and creative writing works are amazing

Kins: Regulus; Sirius low key but its pretty minor (i wanna be him); Pandora; sometimes Barty?; dorcas AND marlene (i dunno how bro it just happened) (pick your favourite gay)

Im happily married to jegulus twilight au with reg as bella that got abandoned in february 2024 (UPDATE: one chapter was added a month ago we are so back) and to a demon james/human regulus au that is still ongoing but id let it tear me appart and i would apologise to the author( im talking about The Devil Tastes Devine by TheBiButterfly on ao3 (it has me in a chokehold tbh))

Ships: jeggy, wolfstar, dorlene, pandlily, marlily, emmary, rosekiller, bartylus, pancas, marylane, lilylane, any marauder lesbians, nobleflower, quillkiller, teddromeda, poppy x minnie (i forgot their ship name), evanreg, jarty, kinda rosekiller + lily, rosestarkillerchaser(any variant of them really), moonwater, percybeth(is that their ship name?), solangelo, (shin)soukoku, any legal lesbian ship thb, i also liked jily in the past but the toxic shippers ruined it for me :( i still love her tho thats my wifey

My ao3 fanfic:

there is a light, i feel it in me: COMPLETE, black brothers angst, jegulus, wolfstar +more, trauma healing, angst/fluff, everything pandora and barty are doing is great i do not make the rules

teaching myself how to die: WIP, jegulus twilight-fix-it-look-alike Au, disabled regulus, vampire james, black brothers angst, slytherin skittles, marauders, angst with happy ending, THE BLACK SISTERS ARE MOTHERING, they are witches fr fr.

Face reveal (bros gonna be blinded by the face card frfr):

Im also a proud owner of this justin biber ahh haircut I thought it was a wonderfull idea few months back and i do feel the best in my skin i've ever felt since my dysphoria went almost 2lvl down but no one want to talk to me at school now i think its not very nice of them tbh im a great person sometimes

Thats all lol have a good time or whatever

[jennilah]

Happy NYE! Every year I enjoy taking a moment to write a somewhat lengthy roundup of my year, good and bad. Its a moment for me to reflect and summarize & expand on things that in hindsight ended up being bigger moments than it felt at the time

like always, I dont want anyone to feel like you have to compare your successes to mine. I simply enjoy being an open book. I like reading other people's personal posts too ♥

This year was incredible for me. This was the year of taking back my life after covid took the last two years. Vaccinated & approaching things as safely as possible according to health guidelines, I was able to do things again, and boy what good things they were!

First off, this was the first full calendar year that I've spent in the new apartment. I swear, this accounts for at least a third of my happiness this year. I can't believe I've already lived here for over a year now, it feels like I just moved in yesterday, and yet I can't believe I dealt with my old apartment for as long as I did. Even thinking about how much that place sucked ass ruins my mood, no wonder my mental health was TANKING when I had to work from home there.

New apartment, new me. This place is incredible and I really feel like I can breathe and live how I want to. Working from home is actually nice instead of unbearable (I now work in a hybrid system, home for a few days and in-office for a few days, since I like aspects of both equally.)

First things first, right away in January I got my first VR headset and I absolutely love it to pieces. That opened up a whole new hobby for me, going into VR and exploring and making whole ass new friends in VRchat. I just think it's so fucking rad and I am so glad i bought the headset.

I then joined a new private art community (lmao that sounds so nefarious. I promise it isnt. I just get to have 1 secret, okay?) that has been so fun and really uplifted my mood at the start of the year, and it continues to be very fun! I am so glad I joined!!!

In fact, that very community helped a lot when it came to silencing my two-year-long streak of "Hell Brain", what I affectionately call the daily swirling anxious thoughts in my head that constantly echo when I dont have a special interest to occupy my daydreams. (Reminder: I am autistic! I am using the term in the autistic sense. By this point, i hadn't had a special interest/hyperfocus in years and I was having a really hard time silencing the Hell Brain on my own.)

It wasnt a perfect solution but it helped a lot, at least. It also drew me even closer to an already-close friend! bonding, yay! and I have met some really cool new people in that community too, who I really hope to keep connecting with!!

I also started to get real about my physical health, trying to eat healthier and exercise more.

Then, the summer of a lifetime began.

(First of all, I saw so many fucking movies. I love going to the movies, and I ate well this year!!! so many amazing films came out.)

I had my first salary negotiation with my bosses, and it went so well that they even asked the higher-ups for more money than I asked for. Because they were super cool, and I guess they wanted to make it very clear how much they appreciate me too. They have already made it extremely clear already how much they value my opinions and skillset, but translating that appreciation to $$ was certainly a bonus.

Then, my fucking god, Top Gun: Maverick finally came out and it has felt like a dream ever since. I couldn't believe- I still can't believe the reception it has gotten. My head is in the clouds. I'm floating. I'm every happy feeling, okay? I wonder if I will ever work on something like that again, that becomes such a worldwide phenomena like this. Completely utterly blown-away. I saw the movie 3 times in theaters myself, so I cant say I'm too shocked. I loved it too!!! I am so proud and just... amazed.

Shortly after, I got to fly home and see my family again for the first time since 2019. I made the most of it. It was one of the most fun trips home I ever had. It was even more fun that I got to see Top Gun with my parents, and I got to finally talk about it with people. It was also fun being home in the summer, hanging out outside, pool parties, BBQ... perfection. I love the vibes of summer nights.

I came back to Montreal refreshed, and then Con Season started up. Comic/Anime cons are probably my favorite events ever, and I was very sad not being able to go to any in the last two years. So it felt amazing to go back again (and buy a lotttt of nerdy stuff lmao)

I even went to a virtual convention in VR! lmao. it was super cool though!

I went to a Woodkid concert for the first time. It was incredible. It also felt like a dream. A+, would go again. Absolutely love his music.

My cousin visited me here in Montreal! That was so much fun. She's the closest thing to a sister to me, and we hadn't hung out just the two of us alone since we were kids. We went to Osheaga, my first music festival, and that whole experience was incredibly fun. It was great hanging out with her and catching up and everything, and I am so glad we got to go to the festival together.

She also helped me try weed for the first time LOL

She taught me how to properly use a bong. I have since switched to a dry-herb vaporizer, but indeed this is a new sort of hobby thing that has slotted into my life this year as well.

It has actually been quite lovely for tackling my aforementioned Hell Brain and anxiety, and also just for funsies.

Then, Prey came out, and I consider it another absolute win. Two movies I worked on that came out in the same year, that have both been critical and fan successes??!!! I am so, so happy. Will lightning strike like that again next year? We will just have to see!

Then there was a really fun street food festival that I thoroughly enjoyed for hours and hours on end. And Splatoon 3 came out, which I also enjoyed for hours and hours on end.

I definitely heavily mourned summer ending, because as you can tell, I was having a lot of fun cramming in events before the weather could turn.

But, like, that's kind of okay because I had no idea that my two year long streak of not having a special interest was about to change VERY suddenly lmao

This October I worked up the courage to really dive into slasher films, like I tried doing last year. (Last year I only really worked up the courage to watch the first Halloween, lol)

and, well, oops. you know what happened next.

(In case it isnt clear: they took hold of my brain and have been squeezing the juices out every day since october. meaning: I FINALLY have a new special interest! It's not something I choose, it's not something I plan, it just happens. and while sometimes fandom drama can wear me down, I am ultimately at my happiest when I have an active special interest. It gives me something to fill my brain, it gives me something that I am excited to draw, I have so much fun talking to other fans and enjoying memes, I discover new music, old music has new meaning again for new characters.... I missed this feeling so much. It feels so good it makes my chest feel tight, like I have butterflies in my stomach. I never know how long it will last, but it's not going away soon thats for sure)

So, I've obviously been having a lot of fun with my new blorbos and my new hobbies. Sometimes I smoke a little weed while rewatching Friday the 13th films, it's so much fun haha

Then, late November, I was accepted into the Visual Effects Society. That is more of a personal badge of honor. It's something I've been wanting to do since college, so as soon as I hit the required 5 years of industry experience I applied. I got in! I am excited to check out some of the more exclusive membership perks and events, but for the most part I am just proud of the achievement. I remember when 5 years felt like a lifetime to wait to apply.

I have been working on some more extremely cool things at work that I can't wait to share. Unfortunately I am waiting for a whopping three films to come out with a trailer. Cmon, hollywood!! You're killing me!!!!! I am so excited for those movies to come out, it's eating me alive not being able to say anything.

At least the Transformers: Rise of the Beasts trailer is out. That was a fun 'un. (But I want the trailers for the other things too!!!!)

And to round off the year, I just got back to MTL after finally spending Christmas at home with my family for the first time since 2019. That felt really special. I got to see everyone in the summer, yes, but our traditional family christmas get-together is what I look forward to every year and I was so glad to be able to do it again.

And there you have it. A much, much, much happier year than the last two.

My new year's resolution is to keep going with the physical health habits and to not fall off the wagon. It's also to keep living my life and go to more events to make next year feel just as full and eventful as this one was. Hang out with my friends more. Watch more of my silly little movies.

I'd also love to try to plan a trip outside of montreal, maybe to Toronto or something. I want to go on a real vacation trip alone again (or with friends.) I think that would be really fun!

[hollygl125]

#about me

Tagged by @coping-via-clint-eastwood. (Fun! Thank you!)

What book are you currently reading?

Lady Chatterley's Lover, by D.H. Lawrence. I literally did not read a book last year (except for a few chapters in the book recommended by my therapist), and I had been meaning to start this one for about the last three months, so having to answer this question actually motivated me to get through the first few chapters! So far, so good.

What's your favourite movie you saw in theatres this year?

I honestly do not remember the last time I saw a movie in theatres, and it certainly wasn't in the last year.

What do you usually wear?

A lot of sweats and Lululemon if I'm not leaving the house. Maybe just a towel if I'm living overseas and it's really hot. If I'm going out in public, then it really varies! A blazer if I have to be professional, I suppose.

How tall are you?

5’9”—Sara Sidle’s height, if we go by silly things like Jorja Fox’s actual height and not ridiculous props made to give the impression that she isn’t practically the same height as her leading man. (I love that she’s practically the same height as her leading man.)

What's your Star Sign? Do you share a birthday with a celebrity or a historical event?

Aquarius.

Robert Burns (i.e., Robbie Burns Day) and Virginia Woolf, although I'd call them literary figures not celebrities. Alicia Keys, if you want an actual "celebrity."

The day Jorja Fox announced she would not "Sidle up" for the second season of CSI: Vegas because Grissom and Sara belong together—also known as the day I could finally chill the fuck out a little. (Yes, for purposes of this blog, this qualifies as a historical event. It was the first thing I saw that morning. Happy birthday to me!)

Do you go by your name or a nickname?

For this website? Maybe we could call it a pseudonym.

In real life? Generally my name, but I will respond to nicknames.

Did you grow up what you wanted to be when you were a child?

Yes, and it fucking sucks. No joke. The mental health and substance abuse stats back me up on this. I'm considering other options.

That said, in the above context I am discussing your typical private practice job. I've had some amazing overseas internship/work experiences in my field. It also has possibly the most potential to effect societal change, so that's always good! (But that's not what's happening most of the time in private practice, of course.)

Are you in a relationship? If not, who is your crush if you have one?

Nope, not currently.

For consistency's sake, let's go with this fellow:

What's something you're good at vs something you're bad at?

Attention to detail vs. remembering not to get lost in the details.

Dogs or cats?

As per previous: DOGS!!!!!!!! DOGS DOGS DOGS DOGS DOGS DOGS DOGS DOGS DOGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I concur.)

If you draw/write, or create in any way, what's your favourite picture/favourite line/favourite etc. from something you created this year?

I will also do a shameless self-promo:

Survivors in the Night: A Las Vegas Love Story on AO3 and FFN.

So far I’ve only posted about 25,000 words, but I’ve written just over 90,000 words (excluding footnotes) so far. (I was ostensibly done at 50,000 words, but I keep adding random bits throughout. And I literally have three different chapters that were originally supposed to be the last. I’m almost certainly almost completely done now, though. Almost.) And honestly I’m obsessed with all of it. That probably sounds weird, but I wrote exactly what I wanted for them (my headcanons, my daydreams, just generally a lot of my favourite things, etc.), so it makes me super, super happy. (Honestly I just need them to be together and super happy! They belong together!)

Even though I’ve been a TV obsessive for many, many years, this wasn’t something I would have expected for myself a year ago. (Honestly, it wasn’t something I expected for myself up until one day before the day in late June when I started doing it.) Still, I’ve had a lot of fun with it (by which I mean a lot of fun with the writing—the sharing is definitely a roller coaster ride of feelings—some wonderful and some less so—a large proportion of which lead back to anxiety).

I’ve also had a lot of fun making some collages/mood boards recently. (I tried making a GIF once, but I think my time is better spent elsewhere.) This works pretty well with my love of photography and attempts to improve my Lightroom skills (although I did not use Lightroom for either of the collages I’ve included with this post, except maybe on my own photographs used in this first collage).

So, in short, I’ve really fallen down quite a rabbit hole….

What's something you would like to create content for?

Still just the science nerds:

I'd like to make a video to go with the above series, using the song I'm using for the story titles, but, given the aforementioned attention to detail and inability not to get lost in the details, I feel like this would end up being a massive undertaking. (I am very... thorough.)

When I started posting this series, I had a lot of anxiety about it, and one of the ways I distracted myself was by coming up with an outline for a very, very AU story (like: different continent, different century). I'd have to read a few fairly dense books before I could even think about writing it, though, so I feel like this would potentially be a five-year (or whatever) project that I pick up when I need a diversion. (I'm sure about three people would read it if and when I finished.)

What's something you're currently obsessed with?

Really? Okay, if you insist—them:

What's something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year?

The first half of my year was a colossal shitshow, although I can't say I was excited for it in the first place. I really don't even want to think about it, though, so let's move on....

I’m supposed to be doing a gratitude journal (again, therapist), and I haven’t done it in about four months, so I’m going to turn this around and talk about something that turned out better than expected. This summer I applied for a short-term overseas work experience. I thought I didn’t get it; I cried from the rejection. It turned out they were just slower with their process than planned. I got it. I stopped crying. I got paid (a stipend, accommodation, travel expenses, etc.) to do some really cool overseas work in my field. The place was beautiful. The people were wonderful. I’m pretty bummed to have left, but now I am travelling for three weeks before returning home, and I’m very excited about it. So it was a good end to what started out as a really terrible year.

What's a hidden talent of yours?

Well, basically everything about me is hidden on this website, but I can tell you that I used to be really good at math (like, I did my undergrad in the humanities but took a couple math courses to raise my average).

Are you religious?

No, but I looove Christmas.

What's something you wish to have at this moment?

For someone to walk into this place (hotel bar) and make me see stars. (No entomology experience required.)

⭐️⭐️⭐️

If you’re reading this and feel inclined, consider yourself tagged!

[foxgloveinspace]

hello hello!!

i posted about it earlier but i went for a walk today

it was really nice and my brain needed it! my mental health has been kinda icky lately, idk why, peaks and valleys y’know? sometimes i just gotta weather the storm.

but anyways, on my walk i listened to sundowning and tpwbyt

and i daydreamed about getting to hug vessel, and how good of a hug he’d give. like in my head he’s wrapping his arms around tight and not letting go until you do

and because my brain has been bad vibes lately, and levitate started playing, i was openly fighting to not sob in public lmao

tears started falling so i said fuck it and let them be but like man? why’d i have to do myself like that?

anyways i hope you’ve been good! I can’t wait to see your finished cardigan, those skull squares are dope

Hihi!! I saw this last night but I didn’t have the spoons to answer, sorry. I was also going through it yesterday, tbh. I’m at the end of my cycle🙃 so my adhd brain is way worse then normal, and even the things I want to do are getting done sluggishly and with more effort on my part.

I too day dream about Vessel (all of them as well) just holding me, so I get that. I really get that. Mind is usually when I’m trying to sleep tho, so my go to thoughts are about getting squished in a cuddle pile lol.

I’m sorry you had a cry in public tho, that’s always the worst, cause yeah your body needs it in the moment, and like, I’ve never personally judged anyone who’s cries in public before, but I feel like when it’s me?? Always someone who is rude is around for it, oof. I hope no one gave you shit for it!! And I hope it was at least cathartic for you🖤.

[henry-fox-biggest-stan]

I’m a literature lesbian so of course, I’m relating ivy by Taylor to Henry POV.

How's one to know?

Henry could have never imagined he would ever have a relationship with Alex.

I'd meet you where the spirit meets the bones

In a faith forgotten land

I believe than that’s a metaphor for cemetery, but given than Alex and Henry didn’t see each other in cemeteries, we can find other meaning.

It can mean somewhere away from the palace. The spirit (Henry’s spirit) never meet his bones, because meanwhile he wants to do things, his body isn’t allowed to actually do them (in the palace). In a faith forgotten land where his spirit meets his bones is somewhere far from the responsibilities, like the White House, or the lake house, or a random hotel or anywhere.

“Faith forgotten” faith regarding god and the belief than god hated them for being gay. After all, the royal family is religious. English isn’t my first language so when I used to listen to the song I heard “fate” instead of “faith” which fits a lot more. Henry’s fate of marrying a woman and be closeted forever. Fate forgotten land, somewhere where he can forget about that and just be with Alex.

In from the snow

Their first kiss in the gardens, in December, in the snow.

Your touch brought forth an incandescent glow

Tarnished but so grand

After sleeping together in February (for the first time)

Tarnished because Alex insisted they were “friends with blowjobs”. Alex ignored his own feelings and made Henry believe than those were his real feelings.

“Tarnished but so grand.” His feelings might have been different to Henry’s, but he had Alex’s body against his, and his lips on his, and that was enough.

And the old widow goes to the stone every day

But I don't, I just sit here and wait

Grieving for the living

“The old widow goes to the stone every day” I see as people who were hurt just like him (because let’s be honest, Alex saying than their relationship was purely sexual and platonic definitely hurt him) trying to get better, to go to the stone every day, to heal.

Henry just sat there and waited, didn’t try to get over his feelings, to heal, to pull away. He just grieved for the living.

Oh, goddamn

My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand

Alex took care of Henry, he saw Henry with his depression and he didn’t run away, he stayed.

“Freezing hand” Alex was also hurting (his mental health, as we see in the book, was bad) and they helped each other. Alex took Henry’s pain into his freezing hand, and because of that, Henry warmed him (when you grab hands with other person, you pass body heat).

Taking mine, but it's been promised to another

Several meanings.

1- Henry believing than Alex would eventually pull away and leave him because he will find someone better, someone who would love him the way he deserved to be loved, someone who deserved to be loved by him.

2- Henry’s fate of marrying a woman in the future, against his wishes.

Oh, I can't

Stop you putting roots in my dreamland

My house of stone, your ivy grows

And now I'm covered in you

So much here.

1-Henry longing for Alex, Alex putting roots in his dreamland (should I tell you than when we’re apart…), seeing him in dreams. In daydreams,in hopes.

2-When Ivy grows on a house, there’s a certain point where the Ivy damages the house. It can damage the bricks and foundations (and walls). Henry loving Alex, loving him and hoping and yearning after him, even though it hurts. It hurts him because he thought there would never be a change of boing loved back or even if he was, than they could never be together (for his status). I also mentioned than Ivy damages the walls. I wish there weren’t a wall. I already made another post about the several walls Henry referred too, but i feel like this one could mean the walls Henry had up. Walls he used to protect himself, the truth of him being behind those walls, unseen, yet Alex breaking down those walls. Making Henry be able to let himself be vulnerable around him.

I wish to know

The fatal flaw that makes you long to be

Magnificently cursed

Curse: “a prayer or invocation for harm or injury to come upon one.” I feel like this could be Alex in Kensington, saying than they could find a way to be together, than they could do it. Alex stayed there, he flew an ocean just to tell Henry that. In Kensington (but before the morning after) Henry didn’t understand why he did that. Couldn’t he see it would all end up wrong? Henry wasn’t made to be loved. Henry was made to follow the rules written ahead of him, to continue the bloodline. He was meant to smile at cameras and be miserable, not to be in love and be loved back.

He was a prince, it could never work. Alex was only hurting himself by believing that.

Aside from his position, there was his whole self. Why would Alex love him? What was there of him to love? Henry had depression, he had bad days, days where he couldn’t even shower but it just was too much. Henry was an overthinker, someone who could only talk through paper, words only came out of him when written down, he didn’t know how to talk. He didn’t know how to communicate his feelings without writing them down. And Alex, Alex who talked a lot, Alex who’s brain always had a story he wanted Henry to know, how could Alex want to be with someone like him? Being with Henry could only hurt him. Henry couldn’t let that happen. Alex was the sun, Henry was a black hole. He couldn’t let himself drown out Alex’s light with his darkness.

He's in the room

Your opal eyes are all I wish to see

He wants what's only yours

Change “he” with “she” and this could perfectly talk about Henry’s fake dates with women.

(To be more specific, the woman he went in a fake date in January after kissing Alex in new year’s).

Clover blooms in the fields

Clover is associated with luck. The fields could be their relationship, their surroundings.

Ellen won, they were out and accepted (even if they were outed), they were moving to New York, Henry’s shelters, June’s book, Philip trying, Catherine healing.

Spring breaks loose, the time is near

What would he do if he found us out?

Crescent moon, coast is clear

“What would he do if he founds us out?” That one is obvious.

“Coast is clear” checking to see if there’s someone around, because people can’t know.

Spring breaks loose, but so does fear

They started their “friends with benefits” thing in February, by March (spring) they were together. Paris happened, the e-mails happened, the karaoke happened, all in spring (not only March, just spring). Were they dating? Was Henry just hoping? Henry was scared, scared of misunderstanding Alex’s signals and scared of being caught.

He's gonna burn this house to the ground

That’s following “what would he do if he found us out”. The description of the ambience surrounding them was to let the reader/listener have an idea of what was happening. It also mixed the description of the world surrounding them at that moment (crescent moon, springs breaks loose) with their own feelings (coast is clear, but so does fear.)

“He’s gonna burn this house to the ground” House. “My house of stone, your ivy grows” This could perfectly mean Henry or their relationship. If they were found out the house would be burnt down. Being found out by Richards made their house be burnt down (the e-mails leaked). Being found out by Mary (and like, the whole world, but we’re talking about Mary rn) burnt Henry’s house down. Being found out by Richard’s hurt them both, but Mary only hurt Henry. She only had the power to hurt Henry, after manipulating him for so long. She only burnt him down.

How's one to know?

Henry from last year could have never imagined that happening. Henry from last year never imagined he would be dating/hooking up with Alex.

I'd live and die for moments that we stole

On begged and borrowed time

This one is pretty obvious, but

“Live and die” Henry’s alone moments with Alex killed him yet they made him feel alive. Henry thought Alex didn’t love him, than those moments meant the world to Henry and nothing to Alex, they killed him, yet Alex’s touch on his skin brought him back to life each time.

So tell me to run

Or dare to sit and watch what we'll become

asdfghjkljljlkgjl

I have so many Henry feelings regarding this line omg.

“Run”

Run has different meanings here.

1-Run as in run away from Alex (lake house).

2-Run as in run away with Alex (brownstone).

In the first, he ran away from him and his feelings, believing it was for the better.

“Watch what we’ll become” With their statuses and the secrecy and all than Henry was, it would never have ended well anyway. It was better if Henry just left beforehand, trying to save Alex from entering the mess than was Henry’s life.

In the second, run away with him to New York, to live together. He ran away from the palace, from the abuse.

“Watch what we’ll become” (again, but now regarding the second meaning of run) if Henry didn’t ran away, and stayed in the palace, even if they were out, it might have been too complicated too. Henry would be stuck with a royal life he didn’t want, and by addition,Alex would also be stuck with a royal life he didn’t want. Only by running away Henry could find freedom.

“Dare” this could also be Kensington Alex and Henry. Alex daring to continue their relationship, even if Henry was scared and convinced it could never be. “You’re brave, I could use some of that” Henry ran, and Alex dared to follow, and even if Henry told him to leave that night (watch what we’ll become) he would have dared to sit and watch it happen.

And drink my husband's wine

This could be Henry being scared than Alex being with him made him began to live a (royal) life he didn’t want. “Drink my husband’s wine” Live my family’s life.

So yeah, it's a fire

It's a goddamn blaze in the dark

And you started it

You started it

Alex’s emotions being related to fire (I made a whole post about the symbolism of fire and water in Alex and Henry’s relationship)

A blaze in the dark. A light in the dark. Their relationship/Alex being a light in Henry’s life.

So yeah, it's a war

It's the goddamn fight of my life

And you started it

You started it

This one is pretty obvious too

[fairycosmos]

I spent 2 years developing a parasocial relationship with a guy I saw on my fyp. I know everything about his family, friends, his friends’ friends, his gf (and her friends) and ex gf (and her friends), basically everybody he follows on instagram. He doesnt even live in the same country as me, i know where he lives, his hometown, his parents, his interest, and his playlists. I woke up everyday for him. To check if he posted anything new. In the middle of a 2 year long depressive episode, he got me to wake up at 6 in the morning (time zone differences) and up for my 7 am classes. I spend all my time daydreaming of him and wishing I had the life his girlfriend has. Even if you take him out of the equation, she has everything I want. She’s 21, and completely moved out of her parents place, and into LA to support his career in modeling. She an artist, a creative, a lovely girl or atleast somebody that would warrant dozens of girl friends calling her an angel everytime she posts something. And that may not seem like a lot but as somebody living in a small town in a province in a SEA country, thats all I could ever ask for in life. Literally just employment, financial independence, a place of her own and she gets to share all that with her loving boyfriend. With all the stalking and sasaeng behavior I know I dont deserve to ask for anything but forgiveness atp but I’m so fucking jealous I could feel it in my chest. It eats at me every day for 2 years now I’ve lost so much weight I been look physically ill with supposedly no reason everyone around me is concerned and they want me to see a nutritionist but that not the problem the problem is i’m sick in the head and a jealous hateful bitch with nothing going on in my life but to obsess and stalk over two strangers who dont know I exist. I just want to have my own life so bad I’m sick of waiting things to get better it needs to start getting better and soon. The only thing I find comforting is lurking on his ex gf’s accounts bc maybe if she can move on I can move on too.

-🧧

i'm sorry you have had to deal with this feeling for so long and i'm sorry things are so hard, for real. i think it's ok to accept jealousy as a natural emotion, just like sadness or anger or hurt, and you don't have to crucify yourself for feeling it. it's alright that it's there. you can choose how you respond to it, even if practicing doing that takes a long time and progress is slow. that being said, it sounds like you're very self-aware about the fact that this has been having a really detrimental impact on your mental health and that you have been crossing boundaries in order to cope with processing that envy, which obviously isn't great. but you're not doomed to be stuck in that place forever. you can work on it, you put yourself first, even if it's exhausting and you don't want to and your life doesn't look the way you want it to look. it is completely normal to want love, financial stability, a place of your own - and you are just as deserving of all of that as this girl is. obviously, we all have wildly different lives, and some people are born into drastically better situations than others, but so much of the toxicity of parasocial relationships lies within the fact that social media is a complete fabrication, a smoke screen. even if these people do have things you want, which is totally understandable, comparing their performance to the world to your lived reality is never going to get you anywhere. and i think we all know that on some level, yet we often fall into that trap anyway, but grounding yourself in that daily may begin to shift your perspective over time.

do you think it would be at all possible to begin limiting your exposure to this guy and his girlfriend online? it sounds like you've developed a real dependency on living vicariously through them and watching their lives, and i'm not saying you have to give that up at all at once. i'm just asking you to consider maybe setting small goals with yourself regarding how much time you actually spend on these people - who are, like you said, total strangers really. it may be a good idea to start working on treating them as such, bit by bit. it seems like you have people in your life who care about you and who want you to be okay, who have noticed that something isn't right with your mental health lately. that's a good sign. whether you can see it or not, you are loved and seen exactly as you are. would you consider talking to someone you trust about what is going on? i know it can feel sort of embarrassing, and you don't have to go into detail about it, but like. just being honest about how unhappy you are with the way things are and having someone listen to that and take it in might be a really good place to start. i get that that's a big step, but i hope you know reaching out is always an option. you don't have to deal with this on your own. rather than a nutritionist, i think it may also help to talk to your family about getting a therapist or speaking with a mental health professional. i know there is a lot of stigma surrounding that, but at this point i think you need to see it as a form of treatment to regain your mental and physical health. having a professional guide you through the intensity of these feelings by listening to you and recommending specialised coping mechanisms can make such a difference. again, i know that's a lot. but i hope you never close yourself off to the idea of it all together, because there's truly no shame in seeking support.

by the way, as a sidenote, i'm not saying it's unreasonable to be jealous of extremely privileged people when you are relatively disadvantaged. like i said at the start, it's completely natural to resent those who seem like they are in the position to enjoy a level of comfort and fulfilment the rest of us have to fight to experience, if we ever even get to. and it fucking sucks. it fucking sucks to be single and exhausted and to feel so unloved. but i think it will do you good to really try focusing on what is actually in your control, what you can actually make of the material reality around you again. no, it may not ever look like dating this specific guy and having an apartment in LA at 21, but there is still a worthwhile life to live outside of that. there is still love around you, and experiences to be had. it may not feel like much consolation from the place you are in right now, but i do think it is a comforting truth. there are many ways to make your world feel more manageable. you said it feels like you have nothing going on in your life so you have to stalk and obsesses over these random people, and that's exactly why i think taking yourself away from the phone screen or the computer screen just a few times a day to focus on what is actually going on around you and where you can find a support network would be ideal for you at this point. i know it's hard, but this guy really is just Some guy. he's not the answer to your life's problems, or the solution to issues with your mental health. he is, at most a convenient person to project that stuff onto. if his ex-gf can get over him, you can get over the idea of him. with time, patience, external support and most importantly - self forgiveness. envy eats me up inside often, too. i get it. and it doesn't make you a bad person. i hope you're able to find the help you need, and i'm sorry for rambling so much. please take it easy. sending a lot of love your way. x

[gh0st-patr0l]

ADHD in DSMP

So about a week back, I made a post about Karl Jacobs (a bit of a passive aggressive one, I’ll admit, but I think it was justified), complaining that a lot of the ‘criticism’ I see about Karl is actually rather insensitive towards his ADHD. I got a lot of responses to that post, and the most common sources of confusion I saw were:

People not understanding what I was saying they should avoid being judgmental of, or-

People who didn’t know that Karl had ADHD or didn’t understand which behaviors were caused by it.

First of all, Karl has confirmed that he has ADHD.

(NOTE: Yes, I know he said ADD. ADD and ADHD used to be categorized as separate disorders, but in the most recent edition of the DSM, it was decided that they are both simply subtypes of the same disorder- ADHD is the correct technical term. ADD is still sometimes used as shorthand by some practitioners to diagnose primarily-inattentive ADHD, but it's a bit outdated.)

Secondly, that original post made me realize that a lot of people who may be well-meaning may genuinely not fully understand ADHD and its symptoms as well as they want to or think they might. If you aren’t aware, Karl isn’t the only one in the DSMP with ADHD- to my understanding, both Technoblade and Dream have confirmed that they have it as well. So, I thought it would be helpful to put together a comprehensive crash-course on ADHD symptoms and how they effect people’s behavior!

Now, before we go further, I want to address something- as I said earlier, I saw some people unsure of whether certain behaviors are ADHD or “just his personality”. I feel the need to point this out above the read more so people will see it. To answer this question, as someone with ADHD;

A lot of times, it’s both. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, meaning that it’s caused by the way your brain developed from birth. A lot of the symptoms and effects of ADHD are extremely influential towards the way we think, act, and behave, to the point where “symptoms” and “normal behavior” really don’t have a clean differentiation. This is why it’s technically classified as a ‘disorder’, instead of an illness. While certain aspects of it can require treatment, the condition itself as a whole is not something to be mitigated or eliminated- it’s a part of who we are as a person. This is also why sometimes, even if you don’t have ADHD, you’ll look at certain specific behaviors or experiences and go “Oh, but I do that too!”. A lot of ADHD ‘symptoms’ are just a bunch of normal traits or behaviors, but in combination with each other and some actually problematic aspects, form the appearance of the disorder.

So, what are you allowed to nitpick about it? Well, there’s no real ‘authority’ on this, and even if there was it certainly wouldn’t be me. But if you want my opinion? Nothing.

See, here’s the thing- what I was trying to say when I made that post was not that you can’t be critical of Karl. If you want to say something about his Actions, his Ideals, or the content he creates- sure, go for it, that’s fair. I will agree that there are some very valid and constructive points to be made. But when you post ‘criticism’ about the way he speaks, his interests or preoccupations, his personal behaviors? That’s not criticism. That’s just judging someone.

And you’re allowed to think that stuff! Nobody can control what annoys or bothers them. It doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person. But you don’t need to be vocal about it. You can keep your mean thoughts to yourself. And if you do make posts or communities or whatever about judging someone for things they can’t change about themselves, don’t call it “criticism” or try to morally justify it. It’s not productive or righteous, it’s just rude. Nothing else.

Anyway. Back to Education!

The following will be a descriptive list of visible ADHD behaviors, using Karl’s behavior as examples.

I feel the need to add a disclaimer here- I am not a mental health professional. However! I have ADHD myself, I have taken some psychology courses and done a Lot of research into this stuff, and I’m the daughter of a therapist with access to a DSM. While I’m not an expert, I’d like to think I’m fairly well versed and knowledgeable on at least ADHD. (That being said, if by chance anyone who Is a professional sees this post and notices mistakes, by all means let me know and I’ll fix it!!)

WHAT IS ADHD?

You’re here for the behaviors more than the science, so I’ll keep this short and sweet. ADHD is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (Known in the past as Attention Deficit Disorder). Despite its name, the root problem of ADHD is not in the person’s ability to pay attention, but their brain’s capability to manage itself. In simple terms, people with ADHD have a lot less control over what their brain does and wants. This results in some behavioral differences along with some personal challenges, namely a difficulty with attentiveness and self-discipline.

Now, onto the symptoms!

ATTENTION

This is perhaps the most visible and pervasive of the ADHD symptoms, hence why it’s the namesake. Inattention is a lack of focus and an inability to stay present and occupied with certain tasks or thoughts.

Because ADHD impairs self-management of the brain, people with it have an extremely hard time directing themselves anywhere but where their brain instinctively wants to go. This results in inattentiveness and the easiness of distraction that is often mocked or stereotyped for people with ADHD.

Here are some examples of how Karl can sometimes display his inattentiveness;

When he has an idea that he seems passionate about, only to drop it or switch to something totally different without warning soon after (either forgetting or getting bored of his original idea).

When he sets out to do something like a build, works on it for a short amount of time, and then immediately gives up or gets someone else to do it.

When someone else is talking and he totally zones out. (NOTE: While I wont make a whole section for it because it’s not easily observable, maladaptive (constant and intrusive) daydreaming is a common ADHD symptom as well!)

It’s important to remember that the whole problem with ADHD is that we can’t control when or what we focus on. When someone with ADHD zones out during a conversation or activity, it doesn’t mean they’re doing it on purpose, and they likely don’t mean any offense! We often are trying our best to listen or participate, but our brain just wont cooperate.

However, inattention is not the only way ADHD effects our focus. There’s also what’s called hyperfocus or hyperfixation, which is when we are so absorbed into a single subject, task, or idea that it is extremely difficult to get us to think about or do anything else. This is usually because our brains have found something that is getting those satisfaction chemicals flowing, and it’s clinging to that with everything it’s got.

People with ADHD will often experience brief periods of hyperfocus. Think of how Karl talks about spending hours straight working on a build or project without eating or drinking, or how he’ll sit down to play a game with someone and end up going six hours without even noticing.

There are also hyperfixations, where someone with ADHD becomes extremely preoccupied with a certain subject, topic, etc. for a period of time. These can be short term- personally, my hyperfixation can sometimes change as quickly as a couple weeks at a time. However, it can also be long term. Karl has been obsessed with Survivor since the second grade- not to mention his memorabilia, rambling, and constant references to Kingdom Hearts.

HYPERACTIVITY/STIMMING

This is a BIG one for Karl. I should clarify; ‘stimming’ is not a technical term, and in professional situations these behaviors are just referred to as Hyperactivity. However, I personally like the term stimming much more and find it far more accurate to what the behaviors actually are, so I’ll be using that instead for this post.

If you’re not already familiar, ‘stimming’ (derived from ‘stimulation’) is an unofficial term used to describe consistent and abnormal patterns of physical and vocal behavior typically expressed by people with ADHD and ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). This includes things that people usually call fidgets or tics.

(NOTE: There are differences in how people with those two disorders stim. This post will explain stimming specifically from an ADHD perspective! ASD stimming is caused by very different factors and presents itself in much different ways. Do your own research if you’re curious!) 

There are two major observable forms of stimming- physical and vocal. Karl expresses both VERY often! I’ll use examples for each type;

Physical Stims: Flapping his hands/arms, jumping up and down when he’s excited, twisting around into odd positions in his chair, throwing, hitting, or tapping things, standing up and pacing around when he’s hyped up or laughing, twisting his rings, etc.

Vocal Stims: When he gets excited and repeats a certain phrase incessantly (Think any variation of “I’m popping off”), making certain repetitive noises while he’s focused on something or bored (”la la la”, the meow-noises, the weird heart-beat noise, etc.), singing or humming, tongue clicking.

It should be noted here that it’s pretty common for people with ADHD to get “stuck” on certain phrases or noises, and be unable to stop repeating them (reminiscent of echolalia, a symptom of ASD, but not the same thing). Think of how Karl might sometimes keep making a weird noise for an extended period of time even though it’s not that funny, or that one time he was physically struggling to keep himself from singing the Bakugan theme. These repetitions are completely impulsive and trust me, we usually know how annoying it is while we’re doing it, but we physically cannot stop.

ADHD stims are caused by the fact that the barrier between our brain and body is much weaker than a normal person’s. Because of this, most ADHD stims are actually very positive expressions of joy, excitement, or enthusiasm! Y’know how when you get excited, you feel like you wanna jump or dance? The ‘hyperactivity’ of ADHD is basically just that, but we don’t have the self-control to Not do it.

Stims can be caused by negative feelings like overstimulation, but in ADHD this is not nearly as common. Usually, the most negative reason we’ll stim is when we’re bored- in that case, our brain isn’t getting the Constant Stimulation that it naturally wants, so stimming is a way to make our own.

Whatever the cause, stimming is natural and impulsive. While different people experience it to varying degrees, those who regularly stim typically have little to no control over it. Suppressing stims is very hard and very frustrating to do.

Besides that, like I said- ADHD stims are often an expression of joy, excitement, or enthusiasm. They’re a beautiful thing that shouldn’t be seen as shameful or annoying!

BEHAVIORAL DIFFICULTIES

ADHD is a disorder which causes a lack of self-control. Naturally, this means that people with ADHD are inherently reckless, impulsive, and struggle with a lack of self-discipline that they cannot fix.

Of course, people with ADHD do still have some level of self-control, and they are still responsible for conscious, long-term behavioral patterns and decisions. However, in regards to most things, they are much, much less capable of controlling themselves than an average neurotypical person is.

These are some examples of how this will often present itself in Karl;

Excessive rambling, dragging on a joke or conversation when it could and should probably have been dropped, etc.

Speaking over or interrupting other people (NOTE: As someone with ADHD- THIS IS ALMOST ALWAYS UNINTENTIONAL. I know it can seem rude or annoying but I promise, 90% of the time if someone with ADHD talks over you, they either didn’t realize or physically couldn’t help it. Please try to be patient!)

Lack of awareness towards social cues (NOTE: Unlike ASD, in which the person is incapable of/has problems fully understanding social cues, ADHD results in a lack of awareness. For whatever reason, we’re often just not paying close enough attention to pick up on things like body language, tone of speech, and facial expression as well as we would normally.)

Indecisiveness and overthinking

Bluntness, lack of subtlety

Unintentional dismissiveness, accidentally ignoring things/people (NOTE: Again, this behavior is purely accidental. In this case, it’s usually just the person genuinely not hearing or processing things.)

Making noises, speaking, joking, etc. at inappropriate times

There’s probably more, but I think you get the idea by now. A lot of the time, behavior which results from ADHD can be seen as rude, lazy, dismissive, or otherwise intentionally harmful. In reality, we just aren’t wired to navigate common social interaction with grace.

In Karl’s case, he’s clearly an incredibly sweet, empathetic, and kind-hearted person, if the various close friends who have talked about him are to be believed. Just because he talks over people or makes a poorly timed joke, that doesn’t mean he meant any harm. 

I think that’s about it for how much I wanted to point out! You can do more research if you’re curious, but I feel like this post should be enough to tell you what to keep in mind and be understanding about when talking about/making judgements on Karl, and other people with ADHD.

[bokunosimpfiction]

Yandere!Heisenberg x Reader Pt 3

A/N: Since y’all demanded a plot that’s what you’ll get. Will it be good? No. I’ve never written anything with a plot in my entire life. Ever. Not even when I did Nanowrimo or whatever. I just bullshitted the whole thing. Like I’ll do with this fic. Y’all are going to have to remind me to update because I have the attention span of a goat. I’ll try to update this on Saturdays??? IDK at this point. ALSO, WHY THE FUCK IS THIS SO POPULAR?????????? DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY NOTES THIS HAS ON AO3???? 69????SIXITY FUCKING NINE??? I HATE EVERYTHING MY LEGACY WILL BE READER CALLING HEISENBERG DOOFSCHMIRTZ I HATE EVRYTHING DSHFUGSADFJ

Synopsis: You have totally, %100, given up on escaping. Totally. You haven't been gathering supplies for one, final last hurray. Nope. Totally not. All you have to do is persuade Heisenberg of that so you can change your mind at the last minute. Y’all know the trigger warning for this series but if you don’t tw:kidnapping (implied)

Taglist: it’s exclusivly @localdepressedvampire​  so if you want to be on it for just this story or for all my pieces fill out the google doc in my pinned post or dm me and I’ll put you on it. :)

             You’ve made a breakthrough in your long-term plan of escapism. Even with the mini escape attempts that were really about exploring the factory and less about actually trying to get out, you hadn’t made a lot of progress: until now.

             Well, two, really… Okay, maybe 1 ½. Firstly, you found a sawed-off two-barrel shotgun. With ammo. In fact, there was a various amount of ammo around the factory, but no actual gun. Until now. The second discovery, which is nowhere near as useful, was a window. Which was probably 50 or more feet up from the ground. You didn’t get a chance to inspect it that much, considering as soon as you saw it and got a glimpse at the far-off ground, you had to run again from Lycans.

             Which gives you a basic idea of a way to escape. You knew where the ammo was, you knew where the gun was and had a route to the edge of the building, and hopefully could find stairs at the end of the hallway. Now all you had to do was find a time where you could be gone long enough to get a decent head start before, he notices you’re even gone. Even when he was in the workshop, he kept a close eye on you, keeping you in arms-length to the point where it taxed on both of your mental health.

             And even then, in that chair in the small room, you watch him work in the finer details on something the size of your head and torso. You try not to look at the phone in your lap, he doesn’t even know you have it, much less how great the reception is in the building. How did he not know about his old phone that was still working fine? Oh well, he doesn’t need to know you’re looking at memes and reading feel-good wolf-star fanfic on ao3.

             The best idea you had was to leave him while he was asleep, but there were two some issues with that: he clung to you like his life depended on it, your back to his chest and arms around you almost tight enough to keep you awake; it was dark as hell in the hallways of the factory as is, but it would be impossible to navigate safely with the lights; and the Lycans were most active outside at night, which was where you were trying to go. They’ve tried to eat you before as they show no discrimination on food.

             The only way to get a good enough head start would be to leave while he didn’t notice you were gone, and wouldn’t notice for a long, long time. And that when it hit you. The only time he ever left you by yourself was when he had to deal with the other three lords. And while he left you in that basement that you originally woke up in, you had memorized your way out and found that going up five flights of stairs took you to that faithful widow.

             Would you have enough time to explore and look for an actual exit/entrance, or should you play it safe and find a way to go out that window. You wanted to laugh to yourself, you’d never think that going down a 50ft plus drop would be considered safe, but here you were, kidnapped and held hostage by one of the people your late grandmother warned you not to associate with, or even go near. The letter you received directly quoted “the four lords and their mother, Mother Miranda, are not to be approached or associated with at any costs. You’ll know them when you see them, they smell like death and money. See them and run.”

             You can’t help but find that ironic, considering that you did try to run, heeded her warning, and still faced the consequences that were far worse than she had warned you about. You regretted coming here, to this small village, when you first arrived: no friends, and even those you tried to approach held you to her standard and expected them to be just like her. You were far from her kind and optimistic nature (at least that’s what you heard of her; you hadn’t even known of her whereabouts until she was dead).

             Even the duke, who had helped smuggle you into the village, didn’t seem fond of you. It was a shame, you tried so hard to impress him. But he saw you to a point where you could easily reach her old cottage without having too many issues, turned his cart around, and left without a good-bye. It bothered you to no end that your only companion for about a year or so was an elderly outside cat and the creaking noises the walls made at night.

             And then the cat died and not even a week later you got kidnapped. You never considered yourself lucky, but damn if that wasn’t the worst streak of luck you’ve had in a long time.

             You pretend to turn a page in your book and scroll through your Instagram feed, seeing friends having fun at the beach, or studying at the library, or your old best friend taking selfies in provocative clothing to your ex-boyfriend. Did she forget he cheated on you? She wasn’t always the smartest, but she brought that heartbreak upon herself. You see a photo of your mom, she had posted a picture of a black and white photo of her with her mom, you’re guessing, you have no idea who that old woman is.

             This is the last photo I had with my mom before she died. We lost contact after I moved out. I wish we parted on better terms, Nana.

             She’s in a prairie dress, holding an ancient-looking key in one hand, and the other wrapped around her mom, a middle-aged woman with long hair in two braids and a face that had too many stress wrinkles. You guess your mom was as bad as you were in college. The background looks dreary. You would have guessed it to be the quality of the photo if you hadn’t recognized the house behind them as the house you lived in used to live in.

             The loops on the handle of the key look familiar. You spread your fingers apart to zoom in and see the blurry engravings on the side. It was the payment you gave to sneak into the village. You thought it was a worthless family heirloom at most and found it strange that he had even found interest in the key, or even valued it deeper than money in general. Maybe this photo or other photos of you and your family would help out.

             Why is that key suddenly piquing your interest? Were you that bored, as to sit there and think about a key that was at least twice your age? A key that you didn’t even have. You needed a hobby besides escapism and rejecting your captor’s sexual advances. You look up at him again, only to find him leaning against the desk, hat off and sunglass placed on his forehead, his gaze on you. It wasn’t his normal piercing one, that studied you and calculated your every move, but soft and lazy. His current gaze was dreamy; he was daydreaming about you. You found that equally undaring s it was unnerving.

             “Karl.”

             “Yes, Sweetiepea?” Honestly, what the fuck.

             “Firstly, why are you staring at me like that? Secondly, that is the most disgusting way to use that pet name. I need to take a shower after you called me that.”

             He chuckles light-heartedly. Even his softer more genuine, happy chuckles are booming and loud. “Okay… Sugarplum!” And he busts out laughing.

             Clearly dodging the first question and focusing on the second. You can’t believe you gave him ammo for his annoying-you-gun. And you thought you’d grown immune to most of his… less-savory traits. Were you growing used to him? Next thing you know you’re going to like him and develop Stockholm syndrome!

             “You’re a shit head, hobo magneto…” You turn your head away and let your hair cover half your face so he can’t see you smile. You’ll miss him when you escape and get the duke to smuggle you back to your home in Bucharest. But only a little. Just because calling Heisenberg these names are funny.

             “Why don’t you call me by my name, I know you know it.”

             “You sure about that?” You quip back.

             “You’ve lived with me for at least two months now!”

             “Hm…. I think I know your name! It’s uh…” You are totally faking not knowing his name. “It’s… Heidi Carlson? Yeah, that sounds about right!”

             “It’s Karl Heisenberg!”

             “Quit being so silly, Heidi! Maybe it’s nap-time!” This was a little too fun.

             He looks back at his project for a moment and genuinely considers it. “I know you’re being antagonistic but you’re probably right.” And with that, he walks towards you and goes to scoop you up. You have to shut your book quickly in order for him not to notice the phone in between its pages before you let him pick you up.

             He immediately notices that. “Are… Are you sick?”

             “No! Of course not!” Because you genuinely aren’t sick, and he’s already up in your business as-is, you don’t need him dotting on you because he thinks you’re sick or something. You’ll go fucking crazy.

             “You’ve put in zero effort into anything remotely physical since your last little failed escape attempt.” He gave it a little bit of thought. “You’ve given up, haven’t you, and you’re just depressed about it aren’t you?”

             You want to say no, you really do, but if Heisenberg thinks you’ve given up on escaping, perhaps it’ll give you enough space to plan the big one. The reverse heist so to speak. “No- I… okay maybe I have but I still don’t like you.

             He leans down and presses a kiss to your forehead. “Good girl. Now let’s get us that well-deserved nap.”

             You plug your nose and turn away as a joke. “You’ve gotta take a bath first, you smell like oil and sweat.” You don’t fight it, because you have to play the part, but you still have to act a little bit like yourself.

             “Okay, fine doll, but don’t think you’ve escaped my barrage of affection, because as soon as I get out of the shower-“

             You bonk him. And he looks at you so confused before he smiles and leans down to nuzzle his nose against yours. You try to hold the bile back in your mouth and lean forward and peck his lips before leaning back. You failed at trying to not visibly gag.

             “Ew… I can’t believe I just kissed you.”

             “Well, I guess someone caught feelings… Didn’t they?”

[abnegerudite]

Okay the amount of posts saying Logan is turning to the orange side downgrades the way Thomas thinks.

Thomas separates the bad from the good because of his religious upbringing. We see that we Remus and Roman, something Logan talks about in DWIT.

So how the heck could Logan become a dark side?

Thomas separated the positives from the negatives at a really young age. Logic is a positive trait, so I’m just curious how logic could also be a negative trait in his upbringing. I could possibly see it as a negative when logic questions the spiritual side of religion, and then it denotes into some form of ignorance, but even then that would just put logic on a spectrum rather than make him up to be a completely different side.

We see Virgil/Anxiety as being on a spectrum with the Yerkes-Dodson Curve, as too much and too little is a detriment to Thomas. We see that similar to Patton/Morality and Roman/Creativity. Patton can get too over emotional at times, which we have seen, and Roman can get too much in his head daydreaming that it puts Thomas out and away from doing tasks he needs to do. With Janus/Deceit now in play, we see how lying could both help Thomas better himself and his mental health AND make things worse. We are starting to see this spectrum theory more with Remus as well, especially in this newest asides episode (DWIT). We just haven’t really seen Logan/Logic fluctuating drastically on the spectrum as much as others, but if you notice that when he does get angry he rubs his eyes A LOT.

This moves onto the theory that the last side, the orange side, affects others through sight. I saw a post highlighting that weird photo from Moving On episode that showed Thomas mimicing the See No Evil, Hear no Evil, Speak no Evil monkeys, and how that ties in with the sides. Janus can keep the sides’ mouths shut, Remus causes the sides to cover their ears a lot (whether it’s intentional or just because he’s loud idk), so who would affect the eyes?

The last side. Orange. Who we CLEARLY see is affecting Logan in this episode. Logan couldn’t become the last side, but he could definitely be persuaded by Orange now that he recognizes he’s being ignored by Thomas. Orange is clearly manipulating Logan to think that anger is what gets Thomas to notice him, and even using that word “notice” has the connotation of “sight”.

Logan could of course still become the orange side, but I just don’t think that’s the case with everything this series has covered and mentioned in between the lines. Sorry this was so long, I didn’t mean to write an essay on this :’)

[e-luxion]

Can you please explain Johnny’s chart now that we know his rising? I never saw him as a Virgo rising but people say it makes sense and I’m like??? I’m not too into astrology to know

Yeah I agree with you, virgo was the last thing on my mind, even tho I think I first typed him as Leo Rising after thinking I was like 100% earth (more Taurus than anything) + 5th house placements so I wasn't wrong, but not right either 😂 I am actually excited to do this

𝙒𝙝𝙮 𝙞𝙩 𝙈𝙖𝙠𝙚𝙨 𝙎𝙚𝙣𝙨𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙅𝙤𝙝𝙣𝙣𝙮 𝙞𝙨 𝙖 𝙑𝙞𝙧𝙜𝙤 𝙍𝙞𝙨𝙞𝙣𝙜:

It is not the Virgo Rising itself, it's actually where his planets fall that makes perfect sense imo:

Sun and Mercury in the 5th house 

I say Johnny has 5th house energy a little too much but I never actually explain why

Sun in the 5th house people are m a g n e t i c. Whether they want to or not, they unconsciously end up being the centre of attention. More times than not people with this placement feel like they were born to do ‘more’ and to shine

5th house suns are warm, generous, creative and for the most part, can be very confident in who they are depending how well or bad aspected this placement is

Even if they are less confident deep inside, they try to be confident and to be that light for others

MERCURY IN THE 5TH -- holy shit, I share this placement and yes, some people find us a bit annoying but we don’t talk about that 

People with this placement tend to be very talkative, they don’t seem to run out of topics to talk about, you could put them in a room with anyone and they’ll find a common ground. 

Natives of this placement tend to also talk almost with hidden meanings, there is always a tone of innuendo, there is always a joke in there somehow

This placement is very much “primary school teacher energy”

Not great at concentration cos there is just so many things they want to do, they always want to do something new and fun. Mercury shows us how we communicate but also how we think, and in this house it becomes... a lot.

Moon in the 10th house

This placement is very interesting, imo the moon is the most important thing in our chart. It shows you not only what makes you feel comfortable and how you feel, but your relationship with your mother, how you were raised, it’s a one of the most decisive pillars of “you”

It’s cause and consequence, it shows you how you were raised and how that affected present day you

This is stereotypical but his career and status is truly very important to him, he needs it to feel safe and fulfilled. It makes sense how no matter how hard it got, how much they pushed his debut to later, he persevered and is such a hard worker.

A m b i t i o u s 

People with this placement are actually very sensitive and have a natural need to care for others, they are easily affected by the outside world which makes them want to almost protect others

It’s honestly such a dad placement

Things associated with this placement are definitely a parent sort of vibe, they are responsible and caring, they worry about others around them

Fun Fact, people with this specific placement tend to attract admiration from others, they inspire security and trust. Other musicians with this placement are John Lennon and Kurt Cobain, both people who inspired millions of people and to this day are remembered

Venus in the 4th house

This is another thing that just painfully makes sense 

You know how this man is always like blah kids, marriage, sentimental shit?? THIS is why! This right here, is a big reason why Johnny is the way he is half of the time I swear. The homey romantic vibes? Heavy 4th house venus shit

4th house Venus people are so nurturing, sensitive and calm? Venus most commonly tells you how you are in love, what kind of partners you want but it shows more than that, it tells you how you look after things, your possessions, your aesthetic... 

Johnny’s love for soft toys, oversized fluffy clothes, all of that is due to his 4th house Venus. He is also probably very sentimental with things from his childhood, or things that remind him of home 

When they fall in love, it is serious because their mentality is for the long term, they are very family oriented hence why they can be wary of who they date

People with this placement have the nicest houses and rooms cos they just know how to make a house a home, it’s always so cozy and dating them would probably feel like like an early morning, wrapped in multiple blanket with the fire place on, hot cocoa and the rain outside

On the downside, people with the placement can be TOO sentimental, to the point where is hard for them to let go of things 

Mars in the 12th

Actually this was the only one which was surprising to me, but tbh this is not a side we would often see of Johnny since we don’t know him like that. And 12th house “hides” whatever it falls on, it internalises it to an extent that the native might not actually be aware of this energy

His Mars in Leo makes him quick to anger, but mars in the 12th house makes him hide that anger, bottle it up until it comes out in a scary way because it was left undealt with for too long

Other things in his chart tell us that he has no problem going after things, like going after his career or pursuing hobbies and success. But this right here shows me that in some ways, he is scared to fully express himself due to an unconscious fear to be vulnerable

Sometimes they focus to helping people too much to hide this vulnerability and their own issues

Coming to terms with his own sensitivity and release toxic mentality is something he probably struggled with at some point 

On a positive note, people with this placement tend to be very welcoming and open-minded towards other, they show the kindness to others that they don't necessarily show themselves

a lot of bitches with 12th house placements in nct damn

Jupiter in the 3rd 

At its most basic, this literally tells you that his talent (Jupiter) is in communication (3rd). Very agile minds, who love learning and acquiring information about different topics, people, things, everything

People with this placement lead the conversation, very positive and enthusiastic in the way they talk with others. Sometimes can be a bit preachy but for the most part they’re open minded, curious, and say what’s on their mind, super expressive when sharing their ideas

@/astroismypassion mentioned that Jupiter in the 3rd native might have moved hometown more than once in their life which I find very interesting as this man moved across the globe to make his dreams come true

Philosophy, arts, cultures, stuff like that is very interesting to them and travelling is a form of mind expansion for them

Jupiter shows us where we have privilege and here it’s education, and a larger than life mentality that them well received by others; they are gifted at communication which means that people usually take them seriously as they can be very eloquent 

Saturn in the 6th

Another placement I share with Johnny which I think would be a flex if it wasn’t for the fact that Saturn in the 6th is actually a very difficult position to have. Saturn is not necessarily happy in this house

It shows an obsession with work, keeping a routine, organising but also struggling in all those areas. For example, you obsessively plan your life because you really struggle naturally to follow plans, timetables and stay organise

People with this placement have a tendency to overwork themselves until they’re ill, so health problems might be occur often due to this. You fear failure so it feels like you can never stop working hard, just in case you fall behind. Anxiety, self criticism is very common here

Honestly he has a couple of placements that just scream chronic workaholic 

Pisces Descendant:

I don't know if this is weird but I thought he had to have Pisces in a “favourable” house, because he seems to attract or get along with people who have Pisces placements specifically so this is not surprising at all.

I’m ngl this man probably daydreams about his s/o, if he is single he’ll just make up little scenarios in his head or has a very clear idea of the kind of interactions or person he wants

Very idealistic, gentle and compassionate in love but also wants partners that match this energy. Heart on his sleeve kind of vibe

He probably attracts slightly chaotic partners, the dreamy artists types 

This man clearly doesn’t want just any love story, he wants the sort of fairy tale romance he can tell his grandkids 

7th house is also like enemies and shit, but I’m not going to talk about 

Gemini Midheaven 

When you meet someone, there is 3 main things you see about them and that is Ascendant, Mercury and Midheaven. Especially when it comes to celebrities, we see their midheaven more than anything 

Gemini MC people always have something going on, they have like 5 careers at the same time, very multi-faceted people. They’re not quite happy at doing one thing but they’re also very adaptable 

In the work environment, he could adapt to others and very much go with the flow of things, jack of all trades. Whatever happens, he can do it and does it well

For now I am going to go on more explaining why everyone is like uhh it makes sense and later I'll actually make a post with more information, in my drafts I have this one post by xx saved from like a year ago of their personality analysis of Johnny, in which they asked if any astrology people could you know back this up. I had written a whole response to it but now that we know I will make a more detailed response and analysis of his birth chart 👁️👁️

𝖑��𝖛𝖊, 𝕷𝖚𝖑𝖚 𝖝𝖔𝖝

[tomdutch]

hi i saw your post about unhealthy parasocial relationships in regards to celebrities and while i certainly agree that its damaging to have an idealized fantasy of an actor in your head who is a literally stranger to you, i also am guilty of looking at photos, watching interviews, reading fanfics, reading articles, etc. as you said, its ultimately an escapist fantasy to distract from the displeasures of our everyday lives, but i feel like a bad person for contributing to this mentality and indirectly harming tom or whichever celebrity may be applicable. do you have any advice in dealing with this ? thank you

hey! i don’t think looking at photos and watching interviews and reading fanfics is inherently unhealthy. i mean they’re there for your consumption. there’s nothing wrong with watching a couple interviews or those cute compilations on youtube if you need a laugh or wanna watch something fun. there’s nothing wrong with reading fanfics if you wanna read something but aren’t interested in a book or don’t have the time or want something more comforting, more personal.

i think it becomes tricky when doing this is all you do, you know? and i’ve been guilty of that too, days where i over-indulge in this type of escapism bc i’m not doing too well mentally or i’m stressed from life or even if i’ve got free time but i still over-indulge bc it’s fun and easy. the most important thing imo is that you recognise that this kind of over-consumption is unhealthy in the long run. i would be immensely more worried for you if you didn’t see anything wrong with it, so you can start to let go of the weight on your shoulders lmao :”)

the only advice i’ve got to give is one that i’m constantly reminding myself of, which is to find other hobbies and not let this be your only one. i have ocd and anxiety, so i often hyperfixate on things that bring me comfort and i know how hard it is to set these hard boundaries and how it feels unnatural at times. going cold turkey is unreasonable, bc you can still read fanfics, watch interviews, have the occasional daydream and be healthy. just set a limit on how many interviews you’re gonna let yourself watch every week or every day and how many fics you’re allowing yourself to read. busy yourself with other hobbies that you love! recently i’ve gotten back into reading physical books and keeping a reading journal where i doodle and scrapbook and write my thoughts and feelings about the books i read. i’m also looking for a bookclub to join so i can share these thoughts directly with other people. you can find a good show you like and buddy-watch it with friends. you can take up photography, which i’ve started doing now that the weather’s warmer, so it gets me out of the house just walking around my neighbourhood for a couple hours every week, trying to take pics of interesting things.

(and yes i know physical books and shows are still escapism but they’re way more harmless to your mental health than attaching your happiness to a real person who doesn’t know you + we are in a panera bread... solo activities are prioritised)

and i just wanna touch a little on your last comment abt harming tom. unless you’re actively cyberstalking or actual stalking him and his friends and anyone he’s rumoured to be dating, sending them hate, spreading rumours... the only person you’re harming is yourself. so pls don’t add the burden of harming a stranger who truly and sincerely is not affected by your existence whatsoever unless you’re doing these things. watching his interviews and reading fics abt him is hurting no one. sending his friends threats and stalking them to see what he’s up to bc you feel like he owes you that is hurting him.

tl;dr doing these things is not inherently unhealthy as long as they’re not the only things you do. let them be one of many fun hobbies, but not the only fun hobby and the only thing that brings you joy and comfort. the fact that you know there’s a slippery slope and you’re aware of it means that you don’t have to worry—you can just take the necessary steps to detach yourself from these things without stopping altogether by finding other hobbies to enjoy :”)

[thegracelessfaceless]

Hey, I hope you‘re doing good!

If you‘re okay with it, I‘d like to ask for a creepypasta matchup please!

Physical stuff:

I‘m around 5‘7 with a rather athletic build and I‘m definitely working on having defined muscles, even though some people look at me weird for that, since I‘m a girl. I have dark blonde hair at around shoulder length and am rather pale. I get a lot of compliments about my eyes, which are light-brown and have very long and dark eyelashes. Most people even assume they’re fake at first glance.

I tend to wear whatever style fits my mood, but I have a special love for business clothing. But I also really like being comfortable, so I also have a lot of leggings and oversized hoodies. I pretty much always wear some kind of necklace and earrings though, no matter which clothes I have on.

General stuff:

About the MBTI - I always either get ENTJ or ENFJ. I‘m a Gemini sun with a Scorpio moon and Sagittarius rising, which are constantly at war.

I‘m also Demi-pansexual, but have a preference in men.

Hobbies:

- Reading, writing, drawing

- Climbing, Karate, going to the gym, yoga

- learning new languages

- learnings about politics, economics, philosophy and science (AI, biology, physics and I‘ll just count learning hacking into here as well)

- cooking and baking

Likes:

Nature, forests and mountains especially, animals (I own a cat), adventures big and small, going for long walks in the early morning, play-fights, talking to/ getting to know strangers, discussing politics and philosophy, tidy rooms, tea, coffee and hot chocolate, learning new things

Dislikes:

People who don’t care about logic and studies and can’t admit that they‘re wrong, boredom, people with no passions/interests whatsoever, people who hate risks and take themselves too seriously

Values:

1. FREEDOM. I won’t ever let anyone take that away from me. I can’t stand making myself dependent on someone - or someone making themselves dependent on me. Freedom does not mean coldness or distantness however, just that you trust your partner. Jealousy is a big no-no in the longterm.

2. Love. Most people just want to be understood and to be seen. I want people to be able to be whoever they want to be with me. I walk towards people having in mind that I like them and they can work their up or down from there. But even if I don’t end up liking them, I‘d still help them if they need it. Because, after all, I just love making peoples day a little better.

3. Success. If I want to reach a goal, I‘ll do everything necessary to do so. That doesn’t mean though that if I realize this goal was a mistake that I still wouldn’t stop and just keep on going the wrong way - that wouldn’t be true success. True success for me requires following my moral compass and reflecting my choices a lot.

Other:

- I love to daydream and coming up with short stories

- can and will send you pictures of cute animals I‘ve drawn with sentences like „lil‘ cat is coming to make your day a lil‘ better!“

- I have synesthesia: I can visually see my emotions as colors

- Because of some very bad trauma, I‘m scared of being touched in a even remotely intimate/sexual way. I need a lot of time and trust until I can enjoy even just hugging someone. This trauma is also why I wouldn’t ever want to get pregnant. It would the worst thing for me.

- I have some issues with anorexia sometimes, as well as with depression. This depression can make me have hallucinations and sometimes be very very aggressive. It’s extremely unusual for me to lose control though

- I have a ton of stuffed animals that I let only very few people touch. Most of them were gifted to me by people who were very important to me and died during my childhood. So stuffed animals are basically one of the biggest gifts to me

- the Love Language I speak is probably a mixture of quality time, acts of service and words of affirmation. But the ones I understand are quality time, words of affirmation and physical touch. I really like taking care of my own business myself the most

I match you with...

Tim Wright/ Masky

I feel like Tim can be a very patient man, and let's face it, both him and Masky have trust problems. So I feel like you would both take your time getting to know each other.

I also feel like Tim is a good match for you because he values your independent streak. Neither Tim or Masky need a girl that can't take care of themselves. He likes how hard you work towards goals and how driven you are.

I headcanon that Tim is a kind of "jack of all trades" guy, not just in physical work, but conversationally too. He'll keep you engaged in great conversation for hours, no matter the subject. He's also pretty good at reigning you back in when you get too riled up.

Tim's love languages are like yours, quality time, words of affirmation, and acts of service, but Masky is more tuned into physical touch. He can have entire conversations with you with just a few touches

Tim understands depression, given his mental health history and he cares, but he won't let you wallow in it. This is where he and Masky agree, sometimes, tough love is needed.

Tim met you outside of the library and he just had to shoot his shot. He's not sure if you were just being nice at first or picked up on his nervous energy, but you gave him a chance. The two of you stayed in the friend zone for a long time, not rushing anything.

When you met Masky, and then realized Tim wasn't aware of Masky, you decided to start working to bring them together, so they could function as a cohesive unit.

This is going... As well as can be expected.

So sometimes, it really is like you're dating two different people.

Both like to teach you new things. Tim taught you how to figure out more complex ciphers, and Masky likes to take you to the shooting range and play fight with you.

Every time either see you do something they taught you, the aura of "proud papa" comes over them.

When you finally are ready to have sex, you actually had to experience two first times, your first time with Tim and your first time with Masky (🚫Anon I saw your post on @whaleofatjme1920 's chat today, thanks for the headcanon idea!)

Masky has made it clear, no matter who it is, that you are off limits to all the other creeps. This goes to everyone from The Rake to Zalgo, to his own boss.

You won't be anyone's pawn

[parkjess]

Hi! I’m back! Sorry if I’m getting annoying but you are kinda the only person I know of who does Astro reactions😅! But anyways I was wondering if you can do one with all the members when their s/o is also an idol and their relationship gets outed by the media? Thanks🤗!

Thank you for requesting!🥰

Don’t ever feel annoying for requesting🥺 I love it.

Myungjun:

You sat in front of you laptop at your place, staring at whatever site it was, becoming pale within seconds as your eyes flow over the words of the article you just clicked on with the speed of light.

The topic was your boyfriend, Myungjun, and the name that was attached to his, as only you and him used to see together, was yours.

Without leaving your eye sight from the bright screen, you dialed Myungjun’s number on the phone you didn’t even take a look at.

“Baby... did you see what they posted?” Your words come out as if you just saw a ghost. Your relationship wasn’t supposed to be published and both you and him always wear a mask and hat when you’re outside. Your voice became shaky as tears approached, yet your heart somehow felt a bit relieved that you don’t need to hide anymore from cameras.

-“Calm down baby, tell me what’s wrong? I’m coming over.” You heard him grabbing his car keys and heading to his car while listening to you on the other side of the phone.

“Myungjun, they saw us yesterday at the restaurant!” You freak out and try to relax at the same time, what doesn’t seem to be working. -“Oh...” was all he said, driving away the parking lot, luckily you lived only couple of minutes away. “What do you mean-“ the tone of your voice got higher and you nearly yell at him, don’t get how he can be this calm.

-“I’ll be there in 2 minutes, okay baby?” He says and hangs up because he was still driving.

Finally arriving at your place, he welcomed you with a hug. Neither one of you want this relationship to be publicly known, because you know how toxic people can be and make this end, no matter how powerful the love is.

-“Baby... you know that no matter what the internet people will say, or do, I won’t ever leave you. Okay?” He cups your face while looking straight into your eyes, you just nod at his words. -“Now, lets go get some fresh air at the park, you’ll like it, and don’t worry, paparazzi don’t go out this late at night.” He smiles at you and takes your hand.

Jinwoo:

It was a regular December evening you spent with Jinwoo at fantagio building, teaching him English because he was asking for help. Although you tried to focus on helping him, the news you got from your best friend a few days ago, couldn’t leave your mind.

The korean kpop sites collapsed in a while after they announced Park Jinwoo has been seen lately with a girl, which was you.

No matter how much time he spend on trying to get you out of the bubble these news created in your head, he couldn’t, but that’s not what he thinks.

“Baby? What are you staring at?” He finished marking all the words he didn’t understand in the book you bought him as a gift and lifted his head only to meet your focused stare. He snaps his fingers in your face to wake you up from the daydream, and you apologize quietly.

-“Ah sorry, what were you saying?” You ask and pull the book closer to you. “Oh come on, I know that face, you’re thinking about it again aren’t you?”

-“I’m sorry, it doesn’t leave my mind...”

“You don’t need to worry as long as I’m here with you, the fans won’t hurt you, nobody will.” He placed his hand on yours and caressed the back of it, while only staring in your eyes.

It was comforting.

Dongmin:

You told your manager you want to take a break from having schedule in the next two weeks, your mental health wasn’t the best you knew since you started getting hate comments on social media because you’re dating Cha eunwoo.

Your manager totally accepted it and luckily understood your condition, but he also told that to your boyfriend, which you didn’t want to happen.

This afternoon you got a phone call from Dongmin, “Baby is that true? I’m coming over right after I’m done here.” He decides, not even listening to your answer. He was busy filming his new drama and you barely saw him lately. -“Uhm... yeah you can come over.” You replied, not even in the mood to talk, but you guess it can’t be bad if he comes, you needed any kind of help right now. He hangs up without saying anything more.

“Babe it’s me.” He knocks at the door after half an hour since you last talked.

-“Hey...” you open the door to see your boyfriend standing there with your favorite box of chocolate. He pulls you immediately for a hug before you say anything else, his bear hug felt like you haven’t seen each other for years.

Pushing the door behind him with one hand and then caressing your head softly and gently, kissing the top of your forehead.

“I missed you hon’.” He confesses, you only mumble, -“Me too...” as a reply against his chest and tears fill your eyes.

“I’m not leaving you, okay? I’m here. We’ll take care of everything baby.” He pulls away and cups your face, then placing a peck on your nose.

Moonbin:

Bin won’t look at the exposure of your relationship as an issue, he even thinks it’s even better now that you don’t need to hide in public, and doesn’t care what other people think about it.

As much as he loves his fans and yours, you always come first so he asked his fans to stop spreading hate and toxic at both of you. The high confidence he had about the news, because he knows how powerful the love you two share, made you feel less scared about how people will react or what they will do when you two go outside together.

He hired a van to stay in for the weekend in the woods, since you love camping together but hate sleeping on the ground.

It’s your second anniversary as a couple, and he decided to cook your fave meal which was also the first meal you ate together back then. “Binnie...” you call him with soft voice, while your eyes are reading what’s on your phone screen- the article about him dating, it’s now trending all over the internet.

-“Yes, dear (jagiya😉)?” He takes a quick look at you and back on the oven, watching the food that was almost ready.

“Take a look at this please.” You hand him over the phone, and he sighs. -“Ah, this. I talked to my manager already.” He says, feeling too comfortable with the topic you find as an issue.

“And... you didn’t mean to tell me everyone know about us?” You ask him, slightly pissed off. -“Hey~ and bother you with things you don’t need to worry about?” He holds both your shoulders, looking into the stars in your eyes.

Minhyuk:

Minhyuk was busy with his schedule in the studio, working on a new song, while you were scrolling down Instagram, suddenly your eyes meeting his name on the top of one article, attached to ‘dating’. It was one of the things you were scared to be known by your fans, since you didn’t want to disappoint them, but also was scared of their reaction.

You thought about this a lot and had a short anxiety attack every time it passed through your mind, but he was there always to calm you down, but now.

Knowing he was working and probably recording his new song, you decided to not call him but go physically to his studio as your heart started to beat faster and your blood felt like it was boiling.

-“Minhyuk? It’s me...” you knock 3 quick knocks on the studio’s door, leaning in to try and hear if he was singing.

“Oh? Baby, why didn’t you call me? Did something happen?” He opens the door and you don’t even hug or kiss him as you usually do when you meet him after hours you haven’t seen him. Walking straight into the darker room, as he closes the door and slow downs his voice at you strange behavior, you are playing with the charms of your bracelet.

“Baby, chill, are you okay? Are you hurt?” He asks worriedly, trying to hug you but you push him away slightly, ready to almost burst into tears. -“Did you see this?” You quickly show him the articles that were added to the social media since you first saw that one.

“Oh... oh my god.” He takes your phone and his other hand is holding yours. -“What are we gonna do?” The warm tears slowly stream down your face, as he pulls you into a hug, comforting you with little taps on your back.

“Please don’t worry, we are gonna go through this together, okay?” He cups your face and kisses your lips slowly, you try to pull away but there was pure comfort in the taste of his lips, so you tried to enjoy it as much as you could.

-“You promise?” You ask and pull your pinky up, waiting for his to intertwine his pinky, “Only if you let me kiss you again.”

Aish~

Sanha:

In this case I see him freaking out more than you.

You were both eating lunch at fantagio building since he just made a comeback, this is the place where you could hang out most of the time nowadays.

He took a mouthful of hot, spicy ramen, then back to scrolling down Instagram.

“Oh-mygahd...” he murmured unclear words you tried to understand, when he just turns his phone to you. Your eyes widen at the title that includes both your names.

-“Who the hell publish-“ you grabbed his phone and yours in your other hand, calling your manager as fast as you could, but it was too late since you saw the amount of comments the article already has. “Y/n what are we gonna do?” Sanha asks, trying to calm his senses which doesn’t seem to be working.

After talking with your manager, it looks like she knew they were going to announce it this week, and the company didn’t want neither of you to be hurt because it might affect your performance.

-“I’m even more pissed now because she didn’t tell me earlier...” you said, furrowing your brows after pushing the food plate away from you and leaning back on the chair.

At this point he couldn’t show you how angry and nervous he felt, so he tried his best cheering you up. “Ya~ you know they love us, right?” He leans forward, reaching out his arm for you, mentioning the fans. You nod your head slightly at your boyfriend but barely look at him. “C’mon, what can I do to cheer you?” He thinks out loud and sticks two fries up his teeth, making that cute monster voice he does that makes you laugh usually.

-“Ugh, shut up.” You burst out laughing and hit his arm playfully. “That’s the y/n I want for the rest of the day. And life.” His warm words approach your heart and make you smile eventually.

[hillbillyoracle]

Dealing with Stress When You Live in a Rough Place

This isn't necessarily tarot or shadow work, but I wanted to write a little bit about strategies I've found useful for dealing with my neighborhood in it's current state. All of this can apply to managing stress generally but I'm focusing on folks in my boat. I'm incredibly sleep deprived so it's going to be rambly - I'm warning you now. But hopefully this helps someone.

I've shared a little bit about what's been going on in other posts; we hear shootings at least weekly, people will play loud music so loud the window rattle really late at night, all out brawls have broken out in the parking lot, our neighbors bang against the walls even in the middle of the night, most our neighbors have made it clear they don't like us because we're gay, we've had our car broken into at least 2 in the last month, kids have taken to beating our cars with sticks, climbing on and under them, screaming in front of our house, beating on our door and running off - like y'all it's a lot!

I talk about this so folks can know where I'm coming from. Some folks read this and they're horrified, some folks are going to read that and be like fuck that's tame. How hard a situation looks really does depend on what your normal is and how you were raised. For me, it's pretty intense. I was raised in out in the country so I didn't grow up living really close to people like I have to here in the city. And country neighborhoods have their own brand of rough, do not underestimate it, but most of what I've compiled here is going to be about living in close proximity with other people in areas with high crime rates.

Mindset Shifts

The Sooner You Accept Your Lack of Control - The Better

And I mean really accept it. Not just intellectually understanding that there's not anything you can do, but getting as okay with that as you can manage. For folks who are already traumatized that's a whole lot harder to do. Living in a space that traumatizes you daily will also make that harder as time goes on. But it's been some of the most important work I've done while living in a place that this. Sometimes I cope by being very public about what I'm going through, sometime I cope by

Sensory Management is Not a Luxury, It is a Necessity

This has become overwhelmingly clear to me that sensory overload in rough neighborhoods is a wildly underdiscussed health issue. There's measurable health differences in people who are exposed to a lot of noise versus those who aren't. I'm autistic so this is something I have to do just to function but I've seen a huge shift in my girlfriend's mental health since living here too. Take it seriously and try to attend to it just like you would any other health concern, making it a part of your routine. This is where adapting Polyvagal strategies has come in handy.

Good is Still Good Even If There's a Ton of Bad

There are very few moments of pure joy in a neighborhood like this. One of the reasons that a gratitude practice has been genuinely helpful is that it's shown me how much good can get swept away in the tidal wave of crap in a place like this. So that I don't feel helpless or internalize how worthless places like this are designed to make you feel, I try to resist by reflecting on the good. IT helps me feel like my life still has meaning while I'm living here and it's not a waste to be right where I am right now.

I Am Not Failing Myself For Not Getting Sleep, Food, Safe, Etc

I'm lucky that we've been good on food but sleep and safety have been in short supply. I realized I often felt like I was a bad person for being in this situation where I couldn't sleep, I criticized myself for not being able to sleep through all the noise and getting worked up. I have to remind myself daily that I'm not failing myself for what I can't really control. I'm not a bad person because of what people around me choose to do.

Polyvagal Strategies Adapted

Nature

Ideally, when you're trying to regulate your nervous system, you'd want to get out into nature more. It's just flat out not accessible or safe to do so here. I'm lucky that my room faces a nice tree and when I'm getting stressed, I take some time to just sit and really look at it. I try to notice the details. I also really enjoy feeding birds on my window sill. I invested in a big bag of bird seed with some Christmas money that's lasted me at least a year now but I used to get bags for about 5 dollars at Kroger. If you can't get close to nature, lure it to you.

Need something totally free? You can also pull up livefeeds of bird feeders on YouTube. I used to watch them when I couldn't walk to put out birdseed. Still very helpful. Nature cams in general are great. Put on a nature doc like Planet Earth. Change your computer and phone backgrounds to have natural landscapes. Even just sketching landscapes and having landscape are around your space can help.

If you can buy some soil, dig some up, or swipe some from a public garden bed, you can grow some small plants on your window sill. You can grow a lot of seeds from vegetables and some fruits you get at the store. You can also collect seeds from trees and try to grow them (it's difficult, plant several at a time). Take cuttings of plants you can identify as safe. Extension services will also sometimes send seeds for free. Taking care of a plant really helps us spend more time in the restorative part of our nervous system.

Sound

At the intersection of sound and nature is nature noises. If you're trying to block out your neighbors anyways, nature noises are the best option. I've had the best luck rain and storm sounds. Water noises in particular have a calming effect on our nervous system. If I really need to block something out I'll layer a rain generator over some music I like (rain sounds + Elliot Smith = a vibe).

Music in general can have different  activating and calming effects on our nervous system. Pay attention to what music activates you and makes you more likely to be in conflict with people when you listen to it and what music makes you more social. Physically relaxation is harder for me personally to gauge. As a person with trauma I can't always tell when my body is relaxing or not. So paying attention to how I treat others helps me check myself.

Temperature + Touch

When we're warmer, we tend to feel more socially connected than when we're cold. Put on some extra clothes, pile on the blankets, take a bath, or grab a space heater if you have one. It's worth increasing the temp a little if you're stressed. Too hot and we can begin to feel crowded out. So if you're feeling the need to flee, it's worth trying to cool off a little. I usually do this by splashing some cool water on my face.

While we crave touch from others, touch from ourselves also helps calm our nervous systems! Jin Shin Jyutsu has been super helpful for me. There are a few videos online. I recommend searching Facebook for a woman local to me - Jennifer Bradley. I took one of her in person classes before the pandemic and it's been very helpful especially around sleep. I think the only place she's got her recent videos up is on her Facebook page but they're worth tracking down. She's a very good teacher and just a very soothing presence in general.

There's some evidence that just imagining being hugged or held is calming on the nervous system. Some goes for imagining ourselves out walking in nature. Don't be afraid to spend time daydreaming!

Breath + Movement

A lot of unsafe neighborhoods make common advice like going for a walk completely out of the question. However, even just moving more around your space can help. Yoga has been very helpful to me. My partner finds bodyweight exercises really help her. Any movement you feel good doing counts. Including movement you imagine yourself doing as well.

Breathing is movement, or seems to have a similar effect at least. I really recommend checking out a few breath work strategies to use. You've always got your lungs on you so it's easy to use. I like the in for 4 counts, hold for 7, release for 8 pattern. Breath is a direct line to the nervous system and I try to do a breathing pattern several times a day just to regroup.

Cognitive Strategies

Journal Like Your Life Depends on It

I'm not joking. TMS journaling - journaling stream of consciousness very intensely for about 20-30 minutes and then destroying what you've written - has been key not only to me surviving this place but having fewer Fibro flares than when I was living in much calmer places. But honestly all journaling is helpful. I've been keeping a daily journal in Notion and that alone has been helpful. Making sure I've gotten as much as possible off of my mind throughout the day has helped so much. Find a journaling strategy that allows you to take the cognitive load of (or a few) and practice them as often as you can. Not into journaling? I used to take videos of myself talking into the camera and save or delete them depending on whether I wanted to come back to them. Are words rough? Draw your feelings or scenes as you saw them.

Find the Story That Works

There are a bunch of conflicting ideas about what the right view of trauma and the story of it is. I personally really hate any narrative that places me as a victim. For better or worse, I like to look at what I've learned in any giving situation. So in my current situation, when I'm overwhelmed, I remind myself that I'm only getting a glimpse of what some people in places like this go through. It's increasing my empathy and expanding my awareness which allows me to better serve others. It's made me more committed to keeping my materials accessible over profiting. There's been a lot of benefit when I frame it that way. And that works for me. If that story isn't helpful for you - work to find a frame to narrate your experiences - as they're happening - that help you feel more whole.

Conclusion

I'm not sure if these strategies will work for other people but I wanted to at least have something out there than people could hopefully find if they're struggling with the same thing. Basically, if you can't fix it - manage it. Find ways to make the experience less traumatic if you're able to. Manage your sensory input. Do what you can with what you have where you are. Too many folks will tell you that you absolutely have to change your material circumstances before you can address mental health but for many of us that's just not possible. Or in the words of one of my favorite Buddhist teachers, Robina Courtin, "If you can do something, do something, but if you can't, what are you going to do?"