#yeah idk where I was going with this… adhd brains tricks again

[foxgloveinspace]

hello hello!!

i posted about it earlier but i went for a walk today

it was really nice and my brain needed it! my mental health has been kinda icky lately, idk why, peaks and valleys y’know? sometimes i just gotta weather the storm.

but anyways, on my walk i listened to sundowning and tpwbyt

and i daydreamed about getting to hug vessel, and how good of a hug he’d give. like in my head he’s wrapping his arms around tight and not letting go until you do

and because my brain has been bad vibes lately, and levitate started playing, i was openly fighting to not sob in public lmao

tears started falling so i said fuck it and let them be but like man? why’d i have to do myself like that?

anyways i hope you’ve been good! I can’t wait to see your finished cardigan, those skull squares are dope

Hihi!! I saw this last night but I didn’t have the spoons to answer, sorry. I was also going through it yesterday, tbh. I’m at the end of my cycle🙃 so my adhd brain is way worse then normal, and even the things I want to do are getting done sluggishly and with more effort on my part.

I too day dream about Vessel (all of them as well) just holding me, so I get that. I really get that. Mind is usually when I’m trying to sleep tho, so my go to thoughts are about getting squished in a cuddle pile lol.

I’m sorry you had a cry in public tho, that’s always the worst, cause yeah your body needs it in the moment, and like, I’ve never personally judged anyone who’s cries in public before, but I feel like when it’s me?? Always someone who is rude is around for it, oof. I hope no one gave you shit for it!! And I hope it was at least cathartic for you🖤.

[finsterhund]

I take my ADHD meds, this morning, why? Idk I forgot that my doctor said I should only take them when I want to focus on something.

I take weed gummy evening because it is too hot and I thought that it might improve my heat resistance but I stupidly forgot it also does things to my brain. I want to chew things so bad.

I extrapolate the radial perimeter of the possible area where my grandparents farmhouse could be located based on silly little personal anecdotes and geological survey information and by manually cut-copy-pasting the scale index from a map until I get the length I want because I cannot do math. I google the furthest distance the human eye can see before needing to account for the curvature of the Earth. This is the absolute furthest distance that someone in optimal conditions on the open prairie would be able to see. I google the conversion of that into meters because they fucking told me miles for some goddamn reason and because I cannot do math. I make sure the copypasted scale index is that length. Approximately though, because I cannot do math. In order to achieve this I made the map scale index pieces into sizeable chunks that I could keep track of the totaling length of by continuing my trick of cut copy and pasting them in equal length pieces. I put a piece of masking tape on my screen and measure it out so it is that length because I stupidly decided to do all of this in MS paint and I can't rotate my special furthest-human-vision-distance scale index line on an angle. My roommate interrupts me because he wants me to buy doordash and I clench my jaw so hard my teeth make a popping sound. The piece of tape makes it way harder to order from doordash and he changes what he wants after I've already selected it. I take the tape off. I accidentally throw the tape away but not before I fucking cropped my screenshot of the map out of the larger size of screenshot that I no longer need to worry about. I have the goddamn radius. And have a rough estimate of the full radial of possible land. Technically I only need to worry about south and west areas of this circle. not north and east. Because I know that it can only be west or southwest of the one landmark. I now have one quarter of radial section of land where the farmhouse could be located. It is shaped like a piece of pie. Or like the captain health circles from the HUD of Pikmin.

I then derail my entire brain because I'm looking at the map and "hahahaha road go brrrrrrrrrr" and my brain DEMANDS on VIBES ALONE that the little homestead right off of the road (when it go brrrrrrrrr) MUST be the place. Why? I don't fucking know. The Force? Subconscious memory? The Spot Power?

It falls inside the fucking radial quarter though. Jesus fuck. But then my fucking browser crashes and I loose all 38 of relevant tabs containing five different maps. Fucking screaming crying throwing up. I still had my fucking little mspaint documents though thank fuck. So I manually find it all again right at the spot where I was. Then I go to the place where road go brrrrrrrr

So I zoom in and

YEAH FUCK BRO DUDE I THINK ITS THE FUCKING HOUSE IT LOOKS LIKE A HOUSE AND IT HAS TREES WHERE I REMEMBER BEING TREES AND I SWEAR TO FUCK. I MEAN I CANT FUCKING FLY SO I DONT HAVE STRONG MEMORY OF BIRDSEYE VIEW OF THE HOUSE I THINK I SAW A PHOTO OF IT FROM THE AIR LIKE FUCKING ONCE BUT BASED ON THIS TINY ASS GRAINY LITTLE SATELITE IMAGE I FUCKING THINK THATS IT. IM NOT GOING TO ASSUME I KNOW THIS WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT BECASUE THE UNIVERFSE LIKES TO FUCK ME SO IM GOING TO TRY AND GIVE FAIR ASSESSMENTS TO OTHER POSSIBLE SITES IN THE DERMINED AREA BUT MAN. HOLY SHIT.

My fucking browser keeps fucking crashing as I write this but turns out the only good thing about Tumblr site updates is that the auto draft feature seems to work. Sometimes. On desktop.

There is food here now but I am focusing 👀👀👀

I really need to eat though I fucking bought this with money not even technically in my bank yet I fucking deserve this wait a minute why the fuck didn't my roommate pay for the food? Also going camping on Monday.

So I think I may have finally found the farmhouse. 🥺🥺🥺🥺

I drew it on my phone because my computer crash again

[serene-victory-77]

Autistic Kaz Thoughts

TL;DR at the end because this is really long again

So, obviously Kaz is neurodivergent, that comes from the affects of his trauma, but it seems myself and many others have sen a strong basis for Autistic Kaz specifically, and I thought I’d like to explore that.

Some other people have talked about this but I wanted to put in my two cents

Disclaimer: A LOT of things about Kaz’s behavior line up with the effects of his trauma. My response to that is that Kaz can be autistic and traumatized at the same time. Things That Make Sense In Canon (It’s Basically Everything):

Hyperfixation:

- Magic tricks (sitting in front of a mirror for hours practicing and trying to figure them out)

- Staying awake for hours wondering how things work

- He hyperfixates on every single job to hell and back, and he enjoys figuring out every angle

Special Interests:

- Goes hand in hand with above, but magic tricks and sleight of hand are definitely his special interests

- Lock picking might also count, and card games? He seems to like all of it. Robbing...?

- Being a criminal is Kaz’s special interest. Sounds ridiculous but think about it. It helps that it keeps him alive, but he does actively enjoy it

Sensory Issues:

- A lot of this is related to his trauma but again, he can be both autistic and traumatized *shrug*

- Regardless of the Reaper’s Barge, touch aversion could be another trait. Having gloves and clothing that covers can be a good buffer from sensations he dislikes.

- He dislikes crowds/crowded because of the higher probability of touch/the Reaper’s Barge, but you can also tie that back to autism since many many don’t like being in crowds

- He likes silence (talks about sewing people’s mouths shut). He’s used to Barrel noises, but he might not like voices stacked on top of each other. Auditory sensibility is really varied, and sometimes noises are fine/sometimes they’re torture

Behavioral: 

- Again, so much of this is related to his trauma, but REGARDLESS!

- Dramatic af in the books, but both he and Inej say he’s quiet and reserved. Good with words and doesn’t seem to mind talking, but he really only talks about his hyperfixations:

- The exceptions make up almost all of the books, which is why he might come off as talkative, but he’s usually talking about a plan, having solved something/tricked someone (think conversations with Van Eck, Rollins), so of course he wants to talk. The other big exception is when he talks to Inej.

- Kaz is good at reading people, but there’s a lot to disprove that all autsitic people are bad at reading others. Many actually “over-read” and notice a lot/see things others don’t pick up on. Doesn’t make someone more socially competent (just because you know what’s happening doesn’t mean you know what to do about it). I don’t think it disqualifies him from being autistic

- Kaz is incredibly mentally organized, so over-reading people is actually helpful for him.

- With stimming, he’s amuses himself with cards, magic tricks, playing with coins and lock picks. It happens enough times to be a “thing” in the books. Sleight of hand can count as stimming.

Mental Capabilities:

- Autism doesn’t equal genius, but many autistic kids are also prodigies, and with Kaz I think it applies. 

- Autism and really good memory aren’t uncommon, and it tracks with this from Kaz:

- “Once he learned a game, it took him mere hours to master it, and then he simply couldn’t be beaten. He could remember every hand that had been played, each bet that was made. He could keep track of the deal for up to five decks.” 

- He can also do complex mental math, which can also apply to this if you want it to

Other Things That Don’t Technically Mean He’s Autistic But For Some Reason Feel Autistic To Me:

- Autistic people can wear whatever they want, but for whatever reason Kaz’s wardrobe, regardless of mocking Mercher’s, seems like it could be a product of Kaz’s specific brand of autism

- Birds of a feather flock together, all his friends are neurodivergent

- The crow motif. Neurodivergent people seems to really like corvids? Also many have animals that are just “their thing” so yeah, crows

There’s probably other stuff but I’m currently forgetting it all

Exploring This In Fics/Headcanons!:

- People can write Autistic Kaz however they want, but here are my personal thoughts: 

- I noticed I already write young Kaz as autistic-coded, as he usually only touches and talks to Jordie and is very attached to him, is quiet and likes puzzles more than ‘acting’ games, and doesn’t speak a lot but has an advanced vocab.

- Kaz can eat just about anything for survival, but it’s easy to headcanon him as actually only liking a few foods. Some autistic people are picky, and others love food, because people are different. That being said, I’m picky, so I headcanon that Kaz doesn’t really like eating with a few exceptions (things like chocolate, breakfast foods, ice cream, chips, pasta, coffee, because I love those things) and greatly dislikes many other things (I like writing that he doesn’t like carrots?? Idk)

- In Alternate Universe fics that make it hard to justify Kaz’s touch aversion with Jordie’s trauma/more modern AU’s: Autistic Kaz With Touch Sensitivity! It keeps him in character, gives him a reason to wear gloves, and adds neurodivergence without compromising his canon traits.

- His boundaries being ignored or sensory overload could also work to explain why he’s so pissed off all the damn time

- Not a lot changed between Kaz and Inej. Autistic Kaz and Trauma Kaz overlap a lot and can both work in canon, so he can still want to touch Inej like in the books. Many people have exceptions, and Inej (and Jesper, and the other Crows) would make sense as being Kaz’s exceptions. Plus, it adds to Inej’s feeling of safety because Kaz wouldn’t even think to touch her without reason/without asking until they’re a LOT more comfortable. You can still write him as being touch averse to Inej regardless of romantic feelings though.

- I think a reason Kaz isn’t talked about as an autistic possibility very often is because he’s such a badass? The portrayal of autistic people is often that they can’t be leaders, or that they’re soft and a cinnamon roll. People are more likely to make, say, Wylan autistic, and ignore the fact that Kaz has a lot going for this. So, to write Autistic Kaz realistically, what do you have to do? 

- Write him how he is in the books, with all his same habits and thoughts. In a modern AU, you can actively acknowledge it. Tag Autistic Kaz regardless of it being a focus. And in “canon universe” fics, you can still tag him as autistic, and mention how Kaz was like as a child or use introspection

- Autistic Kaz, using his canon character traits, probably won’t read as OOC

ALSO!

Jesper’s definitely ADHD and while I was writing a fic I realized Kaz and Jesper have an ADHD/Austic friendship. It’s true that Jes and Kaz don’t always understand each other, but: 

Kaz actively appreciates and likes Jesper (otherwise he wouldn’t be so hurt by Jesper’s loose tongue), and similarly to being unbothered by Wylan’s disability, I don’t think Kaz would mind Jesper’s quirks.

Since Jesper often fixates in fights, Kaz doesn’t have to worry about interference from Jesper’s brain during a job, and when it’s casual hanging out, I think Kaz just doesn’t care/actively understands where Jesper is coming from.

It’s not too supported by canon other than Kaz internally deciding that one of his best friends is going to be the hyperactive and social Jesper, despite them outwardly seeming so different

And why Jesper would pick reserved, quiet, and oddly prickly Kaz to be his best friend too. They don’t match up but if they just kinda vibe with each other/understand their brains work differently, then you have a very interesting basis for why they’re comfortable with each other.

TL;DR A lot of Kaz’s traits in the books (hyperfixations, special interests, sensory issues, behavior, mental capabilities) can be read as very autistic coded. This helps with rationalizing his behavior in AUs that lack his Jordie backstory while remaining completely in character and can also help characterize Younger Kaz. Additionally, it would not and should not compromise his badassery or competence. He and Jesper are Autsitic/ADHD friends.

[normal-thoughts-official]

Okay hi can i just pls throw out this idea i have in my head because i have literally zero friends to talk about malec with and i love your blog fhksghs but anyway i have this headcanon that alec is autistic because like, he's kind of stiff in his movements and he's straight to the point matter of fact but he's so very very empathetic and he feels so much and maybe he's been masking his entire life because his way of being is "Wrong" (and on top of that he gay) and people beside his siblings (1)

don't really get him and honestly the fact that he doesn't always find the words to express himself especially when he's scared and upset makes sense and maybe with the masking thing the only way of stimming he's ever allowed himself is that jerky lil hand shake thing he does or the pinching of the skin between his fingers. also!! im thinking that's why he's so good at archery and not AS good at hand to hand combat because archery doesn't take as much coordination and he noticed it was easy for him so he kind of hyperfixated on it as a kid and it never really left and it makes sense with the self harm thing. it's so common for autistic kids to take out their frustrations and sadness on themselves and if alec doesn't allow himself to stim that jittery energy might just turn into frustration and anger he doesn't understand or know what to do with so causing pain to get it out becomes the only way he knows how to cope. anyway THE POINT i'm trying to make is i've kind of adopted the headcanon that magnus has adhd as well so he kind of complements alec where he struggles and the other way around and as they get to know each other they kind of start finding new ways of coping together and allowing themselves to be exactly as they are with each other. alec finds ways to stop masking and starts to come to terms with who he is and what he's like because he's never really identified with anything but his masked persona and magnus finally has someone who understands him

also i get that like... this headcanon is not new at all. i just haven't seen it being discussed a lot just like magnus having adhd is something i came across like two days ago so idk how big that headcanon is but yeah snglbghk sorry for taking up so much space i guess im a lil fixated hehe thank you for your time

okay, first of all i just want to say that i’m thrilled that you wanted to share this with me, specifically, especially since this is clearly meaningful and important to you. and don’t apologize, i love getting ranty asks tbh, they are the best dajsaijdadja 

for the hc! i totally agree with you on autistic alec, that’s not an uncommon hc because yeah he does have like... a lot of autistic traits lmao (altho there’s a lot of hm. gross ableist content involving this. but anyway) like i’ve been talking recently on here about alec’s honesty and his complete unwillingness and even unability to understand like, mind games and flirting and such and how that draws magnus in, and i definitely think that is directly connected to his autism. like the whole throwing hints and innuendos and flirting ;) ;) just doesn’t fucking make sense to him and he’s very in contact with his feelings and why would he not? be direct about them? you know? and magnus has had to basically teach himself to be able to do that (because well autism and adhd overlap and he’s probably had to struggle a lot to pick on social cues too, and learn these little tricks. this also probably has to do with the personality that he chose for himself, like, that whole over exaggerated over the top kind of careless thing, because then he can pass off his rambley tendencies and other ADHD traits as just... him being careless, i guess. so he lays it particularly thick so that the parts that are actually there - his tendencies to ramble and hyperfocus, lack of attention, sometimes unawareness of social cues - end up less visible under the veil of his exaggerated persona) and it’s so damn good. and important. to not have to. to be basically forced not to. because alec doesn’t engage in those. he’s completely honest. and he offers magnus a space where he can be, too

and i just duahdsiuahda love autistic/adhd solidarity malec (and also autistic/adhd solidarity mag&raph but that’s another topic. lêx shut the fuck up about raphael challenge. actually send me asks about autistic raphael pls yall). especially because like i said. magnus has had a lot of time to learn how to mask his ADHD traits! but it’s exhausting, and god it feels so good and he’s so fucking happy that he gets to stim, and ramble, and just be himself with alec

even if it definitely takes him a while. i think longer than it takes alec. because alec 1- is not as good as magnus at hiding it, and 2- sees no reason to hide them from magnus, because once he trusts, he trusts, and he’s all in. i think what would take alec the longest would be to stim - because he’s so used to suppressing those it’s almost second nature - but stimming is exactly the one thing that magnus still kind of allows himself. especially with magic, you see the way he’s always conjuring up little balls, doing sparks with his hands, rubbing his fingers together, etc etc etc. and alec picks up on that, the ways that he stims subtly and without hurting himself and maybe starts doing it too. we even get to see him rubbing his fingers in a similar way that magnus does sometimes, after they meet, and i think that might be the beginning of that process

so that definitely applies to what you said about them helping each other out with their greatest difficulties! like magnus is most uncomfortable letting go of hiding his traits, and alec is most uncomfortable with stimming, and they slowly- well, not coax each other into it, but walk that path together, especially as they also walk their career paths and earn more respect and space, and their relationship path and learn to be more open and earnest with each other and work together. you know? magnus sees that alec keeps picking at his own skin and hands, and he’s like... all lovingly healing him, and telling him that he should stop hurting himself, and alec tells him that it’s just. that he feels like the world is so sharp, sometimes, and he just has all that energy, and he doesn’t know how to let it out, and it’s too much, but he doesn’t know what to do with it, so he just. picks at his skin. and magnus looks up at him, brows a little furrowed, a little in shock and also. a good kind of surprise because he understands? and he’s happy that someone else understands? and that he can help with this?

and so magnus is like “i feel like that a lot, too. having magic helps, but well, there are other things i do” and then he tells alec about how he rubs his fingers together instead of picking at the skin and how he taps them and does the little wrist shaking thing and how that helps. and alec starts to figure out other ways to stim that work for him and don’t hurt him. magnus also tells him about jewelry and how that helps, having stuff to fidget with/focus on, and well alec is not big on jewelry but maybe he starts wearing a chain under his shirt, and there’s always the wedding band :) which we already see him fiddling with a lot in canon anyway so i definitely think it serves the same purpose for him as magnus’ jewelry do magnus. plus, it’s grounding and reminds him of them, which is also a bonus

and then there’s also everything we see in canon, about alec just. wanting magnus to be exactly himself and telling him that? seeing the way magnus is tapping his foot and then stops when he approaches, and he’s like “you can keep going,” or the way that he sometimes approaches magnus and is all like “i can tell you’re thinking too hard about this conversation. i don’t want you to say anything but what you feel. it’s okay” and magnus slowly relaxes and allows himself. or when he catches himself mid rant about his hyperfixation and he feels ashamed but he turns to alec, about to apologize because he just started talking way too much and way too fast about fucking wormholes and astrophysics again and alec is probably bored- but he turns and alec is staring at him with his usual, open adoration that always takes his breath away, and alec is like “no, i love hearing you talk” because even if he doesn’t understand what magnus is talking about, he loves how excited he is and to see him happy. plus his voice is so nice and pretty and just hmmm very good for the senses you know, like it’s just nice to focus on. so magnus does that little half smile of his, super pleased, and keeps talking, except this time gesticulating even more wildly and like flapping and going into detail without holding back, and he’s just so happy, and alec is so happy, and so in love with him duaudsaa

also them being sensorial heaven for each other :) alec wanting to hold magnus after he’s had A Day, and he just wraps himself around him and buries his face on his neck and feels his presence there, you know, focuses on him and his touch and hair and nice clothes (magnus picks clothes pretty much based on texture because he can’t stand some, and others, like silk, are just perfect so he has a bunch of those, and alec likes the same textures too so that’s great) and stops focusing on other noises and light and other things that might be giving him a bit of overload, you know? but also he doesn’t feel like, trapped, so it’s great. while magnus is enveloped in his arms and having all that stimuli from alec touching him and again he can laser focus on that and feel like his brain calms down a little. and it’s perfect for them both. sensory healing cuddles. perfect

and when either of them feels like having their space or not touching because Too Much, that’s okay too, because they both 1- understand, and 2- are mindful of each other’s space always. magnus especially, we see how he’s very careful with getting into other ppl’s and particularly alec’s space, and alec appreciates it because he never feels invaded. but he also learns when magnus needs space, be it alone or just a broad space to Flap Around in, and he always gives him that when he needs it, and magnus is so grateful for that. and it’s just duaihdsiahdasidaihahdah god i fucking love adhd/autistic solidarity malec thank u for coming to my ted talk

[queerholdmycoffee]

(Reblogging bc my reply was way too long oop)

A trick I use from adhd therapy is journaling. But like, for ideas instead of feelings. I have a notebook (and a Google doc for when I'm not home), and whenever I get an idea, I just write it down until I'm out of thoughts about it. Just stream of consciousness ("coffee shop au, but they're a succubus and a teacher, and it feels like an arcade fire song, and one of them says ~why can't we have it all~ and there's a scene at a party where they've both been ditched by their friends and then one of them moves away and then they meet again 12.3 years later.") A new page for every idea, I usually leave the next page blank too even if the idea is just a one liner. If I ever think about it again, I go back to the notebook and add it until I'm out of thoughts again.

For me, writing it down like this shuts off that "I have to drop everything for this new idea Urgently" feeling, bc my brain is like "oh I guess we're already doing something with it I don't need to come up with more reasons why we should". Just keeping the idea in my head makes it hard to concentrate on other stuff bc my brain is trying to remember the idea, add to it, develop it, etc. But when it's written down I don't Have to think about it anymore, which makes it easier to focus on whatever thing I Want to focus on.

Starting doing this was hard bc for the first while, it felt like I was pulling out a new page every 5 minutes, and it's just because I had built up a Lot of ideas without even knowing it. But once I had them all down, it became easier to maintain, now I usually only have to do this once a day.

Added bonuses? It makes it easier to decide on ideas to pursue, because if I keep going back and adding to one then I know it has some lasting motivation and I'm less likely to burn out. When I'm having trouble with a current project, I can flip through my various one liners and go "hey, maybe I should do an arcade scene next. I already have some basic concepts here that could be changed to suit. That would make it easier to transition to that next part I already have plans for". When i feel like I can't think of Anything, I can pull small prompts from it and have an easier time getting started because I've already been excited about these ideas before. And the thing it helps me the most with? When I'm feeling unproductive, or stagnant, or like Why do I Think I Can Do This, I can point to my notebooks and go Oh Yeah, the literal pile of ideas I have every day! I actually have a really cool brain, and I'm never unproductive because I'm always thinking up new things even if I don't realize it.

(Also doesn't have to be a notebook; my brother does this with voice memos, my bf messages himself, and my dad makes lists on a to do app, whatever feels like an intuitive way to jot down to your thoughts)

Anyway, Super relatable struggle. idk if this is useful to you at all but yeah!

Brain wont shut up *sigh*

I’m in between some leather working projects and drawing a few short snippets for my lapidot comic Growing Up, when my brain spits out another new au story.

Me at brain: Just, can you please let me finish what I need to get done first!? I only got one body, and one pair or arms and hands, I can’t exactly split myself in two! And you need to focus!

Idk I got way too many ideas and not enough time to execute them all. Does anyone ever feel like this? Because at times its kinda overwhelming and trying to focus after is like pulling teeth!

Like my mind is going at light speed and I’m moving at a walking pace in comparison.