#sarah’s autism rambling again

[daveyfvckingjacobs]

I’m having modern au Javey thoughts. Specifically ones about how their respective neurodivergencies would present themselves becauee mine has been autisming way too hard recently 💅

(is neurodivergencies a word? 😂) - 🤠anon

ok I’m gonna do my best to answer this coherently but I am unbelievably eepy and a little buzzed still I will not lie so let’s see how it goes

adhd + dyslexic jack and autistic davey my favs so I’m going with that for my rambles but pls add if you have any other hcs🤲

davey is semi verbal, usually going completely silent when he’s burnt out socially or mentally and just needs a break. sarah and les are both very good at recognising this and speaking up for him, and also not pressing when he wants to be left alone. he has a lot of sensory issues regarding texture: napkins, toilet paper, styrofoam, cotton, that sort of thing (usually making his skin crawl and possibly making him gag a little) and also things scraping over his nails/the length of them. sound wise crowds of can be a lot, and he has ear defenders he likes to carry. most of davey’s stims are physical, hand flapping and lightly smacking things when it’s positive, shaking his head or fists when negative, and shifting his weight a lot. he will usually sit with one of his legs caught under him on most chairs, and stands with the most Dinosaur Hands a lot (jack says they make him look like an otter). he’s very sensitive to light touches but likes a lot of pressure (les also likes providing this so it works). eye contact isn’t the best and he struggles with instructions without a lot of prompting, though is usually alright with stuff like sarcasm and idioms, even if he can’t really carry conversations. his meltdowns are typically silent, crying and becoming extremely frustrated, but he’s more likely to have sensory overload than a meltdown (he hates them, despite being told over and over again that they’re normal and not irrational or stupid)

jack gets Loud when he’s understimulated, tapping his hands and feet and stimming vocally via random sounds a lot (he’ll bounce of race with humming and other noises too). he wears headphones almost 24/7 because he absolutely hates silence, and doodles all over his hands most days in school. he’ll also regularly hyperfixate on different types of art medium, so has a very messy range of skill across a huge range that he’ll inevitably drop in favour of yee old faithful sketches and oil paint. he’s a very stereotypical adhd kid in a lot of ways, and dyslexic to the point it takes a lot of encouragement to get him to properly read things. it’s not impossible for him, but the effort and concentration takes it out of him: he’ll rather take his drawings where he can zone out thank you very much

davey was diagnosed very young and so has gotten a lot of support, is very comfortable with and knows how to deal with his autism, though will usually struggle to bring it up to people at first. it leaves him awkward about acquiring accommodations but les and sarah are more than happy to pipe up and ask (and later, so are the newsies). on the other hand, jacks dyslexia was diagnosed young but his adhd went unnoticed until he was around 14, bounced around as he was. it means he still isn’t sure how to properly deal with it and gets frustrated in ways davey doesn’t, at what he lost struggling in school for example, because he didn’t have the right support around him yet

see previous javey rambles about how they’re both very good at learning what the other needs, how to help or when to not. it’s a slow process of picking things up but they balance each other well

[rosettastarlight]

Since I’m finally feeling better, and I figured I should get this all out now before the life gets sucked out of me by the joy that is customer service during the Holidays, bleh, but this is basically headcanons I’ve got for the au where Jim Hopper and Vance Hopper are father and son. Obviously, this is full au since I’ve already discussed canon compliant because the timelines match up a lot better than you think for a tragic backstory, but anyway! Full au entails the Black Phone taking place around 1983 or 1984 which would make Vance only about a year or two above El (I can never see him past 14 whenever I post about him, so he’s 14 when he moves to Hawkins and 13 when he was kidnapped), where Vance ends up moving to Hawkins after his dad insists on seeing him more because both the Grabber and Disappearance of Will Byers would, um, definitely be incidents that made Hopper realize life’s too short. 

I feel like I should also mention I personally headcanon Vance as autistic, and I might give him traits I myself have. Also, that in this au, Vance would have been born in 1969-70 instead of 1964 to fit, and that the “Refrigerator mom theory” was only just starting to be discredited in the 60s and 70s, which was a theory people believed meant autism and neurodivergent symptoms in general were the parents’ fault because they didn’t give their child the correct amount of love and attention they should have during their developmental years. With that aside, I kinda tend to ramble, so if this is long, I’m sorry.

It’s mostly about some I have about Vance in general and the Hopper family before Sarah died, so on we go!

Hopper was still very much nervous about having kids due to the stories he heard from old friends who were exposed to Agent Orange with him, about their kids being born wrong or not at all, so he'd never been more relieved or happy when Vance was born perfectly fine if a little early. He figured he maybe got lucky, and wasn’t quite as anxious or felt as guilty about withholding the risks from Diane when she told him she was pregnant again nearly a year later.

Of course, when Sarah got sick with cancer, Jim realized he wasn’t the one that was lucky, Vance was, and he does wonder to himself sometimes through the years if maybe the reason Vance is so “different” is because the chemicals were passed down to him through Jim, too, just in a different way.

The camera shot of Hopper crying in the hospital stairwell is through the perspective of nine-year-old Vance who realized in that moment his sister was never getting better because his father never cries.

Vance is very touch averse unless you're close to him like friends, his parents or Sarah, and even then a warning is best, from behind is not advised without letting him know its you (after escaping the Grabber, coming up and touches from behind was completely off limits for a long while, it sent him into full fight or flight mode and you know exactly which one he's gonna pick), and sometimes touch can still get too much and he will make it known. He reacts really badly otherwise, if you are not close and you touch him, you get a warning on good days by just pushing you away and on bad days, expect him to swing at you.

Vance is not good at reading social cues or how he's supposed to react in certain situations, which results in his rude and standoffish behavior.

When he likes something, he gets very cautious with anything different, someone once posted that getting Vance to try something new is like getting a feral cat into a bath, and that's all I can see.

When getting instructions, Vance needs them super specific, he'll ask questions and such of what exactly he's doing or grabbing, it drives Jim up the wall and he tries to stay patient when Vance is practically interrogating him or when he's not specific enough which ends with Vance bringing back or doing the wrong thing he was supposed to.

This is both because Hopper knows his son just wants to be sure and do a good job and because he knows if he loses his temper and snaps at him, Vance will bring or do the wrong thing on purpose out of pure pettiness and spite.

Jim and Vance's similarities both divide them and bring them together. When Vance was a kid, it helped bond them because while Jim didn't entirely understand what Vance had, he did understand Vance got angry easily the same way he did when he was younger (although for different reasons, Jim because his dad was a fairly abusive douchebag, and Vance because he is easily overstimulated and had a lot of meltdowns.), and tried ways that helped his anger issues to help Vance that actually worked somewhat.

Big Hopper taught little Hopper how to fight. He thought it might help Vance to get the anger out since sometimes, to him, you just need to hit something, and would often encourage him to playfight or practice his punches when he could see Vance start to get overwhelmed at home.

Diane fought with him about it because she didn't like him encouraging violence to solve problems.

Hopper would also playing loud music on the car radio that he knew Vance liked to calm him down by being able to listen to just one, constant sound while he quietly coached him through breathing techniques.

Overall, neither he nor Diane really understood how to deal with Vance, they did try their best with varying results, but every now and then Vance tries to let them know the effort’s still appreciated.

Jim honestly doesn't mind Vance's aversion and just chooses to appreciate that he must be doing something right that Vance feels safe enough around him to consider his touch familiar and calming.

When they were still married, Diane mostly handled Vance since he needed to be handled somewhat delicately because of his aversions and hypersensitivity but at the same time needed to be taught his behavior wasn’t okay when the teacher called home for the tenth time that week on Wednesday. Meanwhile, because of Jim’s hesitance to be too strict or get angry with either of his kids, he let Sarah get away with a lot.

Daddy’s girl Sarah and Mama’s boy Vance.

I’m taking more my experiences with my brother as kids for this one since we don’t know a lot about Sarah.

Sarah and Vance were pretty close, actually, despite their differences, though Vance had to be reminded a few times to be gentle with his sister. Sometimes, the cute aggression would take hold, and he’d tackle her, poke, or pinch her playfully, and once or twice just pick her up to show he could and carry her around the house like a big teddy bear.

They would chase each other a lot and bring back home sticks, rocks, and whatever poor unfortunate worm they found on the sidewalk or grass outside.

They both loved animals and the zoo, and while never successful, would hide from their parents whenever they lured home a stray animal from mice to dogs.

Even as a kid, Vance would probably try to catch baby alligators if you let him, and “No, honey, you cannot pet the giant snake, just because it’s friend-shaped does not mean it’s a friend.”

Like most siblings, they did get into fights that would turn into brawls, but despite what Jim would ever believe, 8 times out of 10, Sarah did start it and she was a biter.

This is getting really long, so I’m just gonna make this part 1 of 2 and get back to this later.

[killjoysfromyesterday]

this is me compiling a list of my strangely obscure special interests

-tom waits and heath ledger’s voice overlap

-2000’s rock bands (primarily mcr, ptv, and hawthorne heights)

-comic books but very specifically anything with vampires or railroad heists

-amusement park gore/animatronic malfunctions (yes i was a five nights at freddy’s kid)

-lady and the tramp

-the navi language from avatar. i will talk about this for hours. they have a completely free word order, it’s honestly a groundbreaking concept for linguistics

-robin williams. i have most of his jumanji parts memorized as well as the california catatonic skit

-man of the millennium by george carlon which i can recite from memory at this point (just. memorization in general is also a big one)

-slaughterhouse five, catcher in the rye, of mice and men, basically any gruesome coming of age classic novels

-and of course, shiny things. rings, crystals, statues, glassware, etc

[fibrowarriorgirl]

Autistic women aren't as rare as you think

Did you know that women are a lot less likely to be diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder? And no, this isn't necessarily because autism in women is just a lot less common. It's because autism in women usually presents itself very differently than autism in men. Autistic women often get misdiagnosed with anxiety disorders and/or Borderline Personality Disorder. And to be fair, anxiety disorders, BPD and ASD all have quite a lot of similarities.

The damage of being diagnosed with ASD later in life is bigger than you might think. I know this too well. For as long as I can remember, I have felt different in comparison to my peers. I could never put my finger on it, but something about me felt different. Not even just different, no, I felt wrong. There had to be something wrong with me.

I remember a conversation I once had with my mum, although I doubt she remembers this. I think I was about 9 or 10 years old. She had just picked me up from school and we were sitting in the car, when I said to her "I'm special, aren't I?" My mum of course responded by saying how special I was because of how kind and funny and smart I was, because my mum has always been my biggest fan. And I remember I quickly stopped her and said "no not like that, I'm weird."

Weird. It's something I've been called a lot in my life. Most times, it was told jokingly by my friends and family. Other times I was being called weird by bullies or by teachers who should've never started working with children in the first place. I've always known I was weird. So when my friends called me weird for taking something a bit too literally, I honestly didn't mind. As a child I liked being weird. Being weird meant I was being true to myself. As I got older, I noticed that being weird wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. Before I knew it, people thinking I was weird became a subconscious fear of mine. Being weird meant I was myself, yes. But it also meant I didn't belong. Being weird confirmed that I was different, special. That I was wrong.

I was about 9 years old when autism was first suspected. I was making repetitive movements all day long. The movements looked a lot like stimming, something that a lot of autistics do. I don't really remember the test they did. All I remember was that I really liked my psychologist, Sarah. We were always in a room with lots of toys. I remember that my mum once explained to me what autism was, and why they thought I might be autistic. She said "autistic people don't see the big picture, they see a bunch of small things." As an example, she said that autistic people don't see a house, they see windows, a door, walls, etc. I told her I wasn't autistic, because I always see a house. In hindsight, it is pretty ironic to see how literally I took that explanation. Taking things 'too' literally, another sign of autism.

A few weeks after that, Sarah told me that she didn't know if I was autistic or not. In her words, 50% of me was autistic and 50% of me wasn't. They ended up not diagnosing me, and referred me to a hospital to see if it wasn't actually epilepsy.

No, I don't have epilepsy. We later found out I have something called Stereotypic Movement Disorder. Which I will elaborate on in a later post.

For years to come, that would be the closest I'd ever come to an ASD diagnosis. I was also tested for ADHD a few times as a teenager, but to no avail. As I grew older, the feeling of not belonging grew stronger. I was always wondering why I felt like such an outsider, maybe it was just all in my head? I was diagnosed with generalised and social anxiety when I was 16, which I thought could explain the feeling of being an outsider. But if that feeling was caused by anxiety, why did I have that feeling all my life?

When I was about 19 years old, I started suspecting I might be autistic after all. I asked my mum what the reasoning was of my psychologist all those years ago to not diagnose me. Apparently, I met all the diagnostic criteria. But because I had empathy and a lot of fantasy, I was not diagnosed. Since then, I have been fighting for an official diagnosis. I wanted to see on paper that I was diagnosed with ASD.

This was insanely hard to do. I tried talking about it to my psychologist, who dismissed me by saying I didn't need another diagnosis. Whenever I tried to tell someone about my struggle with getting diagnosed, I'd often hear "but you don't seem autistic". I'd get asked why I thought I could be autistic. I'd give my reasons and as a response I'd hear "well you might be on the autism spectrum but not enough to be considered autistic."

I was begging people to do a diagnostic test. I needed to prove that I was right about this, and how much it would help me. Even if we did the testing and it turned out I wasn't autistic at all, I could at least let that idea go and go on with my life. It was so frustrating that nobody believed me. My mum and my partner were the only people who actually believed I was autistic when I told them my reasoning.

And then, an angel in the form of a psychiatrist turned up. After only a few minutes of telling her about myself, she asked me if I was ever diagnosed with ASD. This resulted in enthusiastic rambling on my part. I told her everything, how I felt out of place, how I was almost diagnosed, about the repetitive movements, etc. She is the one who ended up setting up a diagnostic exam for me. And this year in August, I was finally officially diagnosed with ASD. The psychologist who did the diagnostic test told me this was one of the most obvious cases of autism he had ever seen.

You have no idea how relieved I was to finally, FINALLY be diagnosed. That feeling of being different, being wrong. No, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm autistic, that's it. My psychologist, who kept dismissing my suspicions, later told me she didn't want to see if I was autistic because she thought I was looking down on myself. Never once have I seen being autistic as a bad thing. It's just who I am, that's it.

Now I live through life, knowing that I am autistic. That feeling of being out of place, something I've had all my life, is gone. I cannot even describe how liberating it is to have that burden to be lifted from my shoulders. A part of me is angry though. I have been begging for years for help with this. And time and time again, I was ignored or dismissed. Often just being told it was some type of anxiety. I also wish that my psychologist all those years ago didn't refuse to diagnose me. I met all the diagnostic criteria, that should've been enough. Imagine if I was told I was autistic when I was 9. What that meant for me, why I felt like I was different, that there was nothing wrong with me.

Please, believe women when they say they think they're autistic. You have no idea how much you'd be helping us.

[this-is-a-love-story-isnt-it]

After I watched Parenthood, I never ended up posting my thoughts, as an autistic person, on Hank’s journey of realizing he’s autistic and then learning how to communicate better in his relationships through therapy. First, I really related to it bc I realized in my mid-30s that I’m autistic, and I think he was ~50 when he found out. Not as much research on autism was being done when I was a kid, so a lot of us flew under the radar and weren’t diagnosed as kids.

And just the portrayal of the whole situation- of an adult with previously undiagnosed autism- was done so realistically. Hank is an adult with a successful business. He’s been married and had a daughter. So outwardly, he had gone through “normal” life experiences like marriage and kids, except his marriage failed and his daughter couldn't relate to him. But after realizing he's autistic, and seeking out professional help, he’s able to try to work on those relationships. Suddenly things make sense to him as to why things are the way that they are and he tries to change how he deals with it.

When him and Sarah start to reconnect, and she was the first person he told when he realized he had autism, she started to be able to understand why he is the way that he is. She was a little freaked out at first because, you know, when people think of autism they think of the stereotypes. Plus, the only other person she knows with autism is Max, who’s 14 and way more “stereotypical” autistic.

So he’s still kind of fumbling through his relationships but also working on his communication skills and on trying to better understand what other people expect in a friend or partner and how to be more conscious of that.

And Sarah sees the work he’s putting into their friendship, and he finally voiced the fact that he wanted to be with her again in a relationship, and they had a conversation about it bc she was hesitant about being with someone who can’t communicate in a relationship or who might not be able to understand what she needs. But they end up getting back together.

Once she accepted the fact that he has aspergers/autism and made an effort to understand it better, and as he was working on his communication skills in therapy, she came to be so understanding and encouraging without infantilizing him. Yes there were still times that were frustrating to her, but she made sure to communicate to him when she needed him to communicate. One of my favorite examples of this is when Sarah needed to tell Hank about Ruby having stolen that lipstick from the store, but Hank was in the zone perseverating over the photoshoot he’d done that day and looking at the photos, talking at Sarah about them. After like 3 times of Sarah trying to get him to listen to her, she finally put her hand on his shoulder and softly said “Hey, do you want to talk about [the photos] later?” And then he realized that she had something she needed to say. And then because of his therapy and because of her having voiced her concerns, he made a point to look straight at her and let her say what she needed to say and then that’s when he was like “oh you look pretty,” and touched her hair as if it was the first time he'd looked at her that day. It was such a sweet moment of her understanding how his brain operates and not getting frustrated over it, and him realizing that he had to get out of his own head and focus on her- and that focusing on her also meant making eye contact, which is really hard for him normally.

There are other moments like this, too, which I really love.

And then eventually they did end up getting married.

Idk, i’m rambling now, but it was a really good depiction of an adult with autism who had somehow navigated through life without it being noticed. It shows that autistic people can be successful in business and in life, but we still have our struggles. It showed the positive quirkiness of his personality and not just that people would see him as “weird.” And I especially appreciated that Sarah would encourage him and let him know she appreciated the way he had made an effort in a certain situation in their relationship without infantilising him, as I said earlier. And then the fact that he ended up marrying Sarah, the love of his life, gives me hope for my life that I'll find someone.

I know how long this is. thanks for reading if you got this far. <3

[sasarahsunshine]

Hey Sarah, don’t feel like you have to answer my questions but I read your whole thing about your diagnosis and I since started researching but basically I think I could also be on the spectrum. And I’m sorry if I sound at all like I’m self diagnosing as that is the last thing I want to do but it definitely got me thinking. Then I moved in with my one of my best friends and two strangers and things my family had written off as just things I do started to really hurt them. Like last night my best friend was addressing concerns in her class and I thought I reacted fairly well for the situation but after she texted me and said something I did was inappropriate. I’m so sorry for rambling but basically what I’m wondering is how you started the long process of getting a diagnosis. Basically I have some of the diagnosis you have and was assigned female at birth but I am non binary and use they/them pronouns. Again you don’t have to respond but I would be very grateful. Anyway keep doing you and I am excited for the A/B/O stuff coming up!

First of all, self diagnosing isn't a bad thing!! How else are you supposed to know to go to the doctor or therapist for assistance to help manage your diagnosis with medication (or whatever else you need), unless you do your own research first and realize that, hey, you might be on the spectrum?

Autism and ADHD go hand-in-hand as well, so if you think you *might* be on the spectrum, don't rule out that you *might* have ADHD instead (or like in my case, both. Which is a hell of a ride, I tell you what!).

(more under the cut)

For me, I was "diagnosed" with ADHD when I was 11 years old. But my mom didn't like that diagnosis and didn't want me on medication, so I kinda just learned to mask and struggled my way through middle and high school. I became *really* good at coming up with excuses for why my homework wasn't done, and somehow still passed all my classes (aha, I suggest you kiddos out there to not do that).

When I was 23, I hit a really deep low. And, let's just say, I ended up hurting myself. And it scared me, so I went to the doctor to ask for help. They suggested a low dose of Lexapro (a mood stabilizer for depression and anxiety), as well as speaking to a therapist. At 24 I was matched with my current therapist (Jenny, she's an angel), and she helped me with what I was battling at the time: My depression and severe anxiety.

As she got to know me, she pointed out when I was 25 that she thought I might have ADHD. I confirmed that yeah, I was diagnosed when I was 11. I'm the one who put off getting a proper test though because I thought I was managing it well on my own.

But then the lockdown was stretching out, and I wasn't working a regular job, and life got out of whack and off-center--and I had a breakdown. And I told her about how I just wanted to feel *normal.* So, we took the test, and yes, I have ADHD. Cool! Then, because of some of my answers to the ADHD test, she wondered if I was autistic as well. I mentioned that I always kinda wondered if I was on the spectrum, since my brother is, so it would make sense but like... yeah. Anyways, we tested for that too, and congrats! I'm autistic!

Now I take my Lexapro still, but I also take Vyvanse for the ADHD (it's a daily pill that helps keep the brain fog away and helps me function like a normal person without ADHD lol). I might even be able to be taken off the Lexapro soon! Because a symptom of ADHD is anxiety, which leads to depression, and if I'm battling it with the Vyvanse, then I might not need the mood stabilizer meds anymore! We'll see.

ANYWAYS, my story isn't the same as everyone else's, clearly. But the first step is definitely finding a doctor or therapist and telling them about your findings and why you feel this way. Let them know how it affects your day-to-day life (I learned to mask from an early age, so I can hold eye contact for a fair amount at the beginning of the day, but as the day goes on I can't anymore, for example. I can't focus in loud places, feel like I'm going to shut down while I'm shopping, and I thrive on structure and a routine, but if it's taken from me then I breakdown).

Your journey is just beginning, but I'm with you now!! Every step of the way! <3 The first step is the hardest part, but hopefully, in a year from now you'll feel amazing and you'll be so glad you took that step. You'll have the support and help you need, and you'll be thriving!! (Also, knowing for sure that you're on the spectrum is so liberating, because it's nice to finally KNOW that you're not alone, and the things you do are "normal" for you!).

And finally, thank you for messaging me <3 I hope I answered your questions! I kinda rambled, lol, whoops. (and I'm excited about the A/B/O stuff too!!)

(also also, make sure to talk to your friends about all of this and let them know that you never meant to upset them, and if you say something that seems inappropriate in the future to have them mention it to you so you can learn. You and your friends will all be learning so much in the coming months, so just keep your head up and help them to help you <3)

[writingsbychlo]

heart under construction (05)

word count; 5373

summary; sam gets to take you out on that date, and he almost messes it up, but you manage to find yrou way back to one another again.

notes; I wanna give sarah a huge thanks because she made this gif!! she made it!! i love it, so give her some love too. @dylinski​ is an angel.

warnings; semi-public sex, unprotected sex, heavy drinking.

Tapping his fingers against the steering wheel, Sam pouted as he continued to sit outside of the bar he’d watched you disappear into a good fifteen minutes ago, his brow furrowed. He could totally just storm in there right now, break it up, drag you out, but he really wasn’t sure how you’d react to that.

He had every chance to make a move, he’d spent the day on a date with you, and he hadn't even had the balls to fucking kiss you at the end of it. He rubbed a hand over his face, groaning as he thought back on the moment, his cowardice and the shitty excuse for a few final words he’d given, and he slumped angrily into his seat.

He couldn't see into the bar, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to. By now, you were probably curled up in a cosy little booth in the back as you sipped cocktails and let another man kiss you because he’d been too much of a fucking wimp to do it when he had the chance.

The radio hummed lowly, a song he was familiar with from playing earlier in the day beginning to creep out into the car, and he reached over, punching his finger roughly into the button on the dash to turn it off.

“I love this song!” You were practically beaming, bouncing in your seat as the two of you sped down the highway towards Ikea, and Sam reached over, cranking the volume on the music up as you turned to him, giving him a sweet smile before beginning to belt out the lyrics, carefree and happy as you sat in the car beside him.

He couldn’t help himself, but soon he was joining in, the pair of you singing at the top of your lungs to every song that came on the radio as you drove along, the pure joy buzzing around in the air around you both within the car, and the car journey flew by, Sam throwing the car into park as you both stared up at the dark blue building in excitement.

Snatching the keys from the ignition, Sam was out of the car before you had even unclipped your safety belt, and he was holding the door open for you with a cheesy wink, your laugh making it all worth it as you took his outstretched hand, allowing him to help you from the vehicle. Your arm had linked through his as you made your way to the store, the side of your body pressed up to his, and he turned his head, nudging his nose against your temple with affection.

“So, how about some lunch first, yeah?”

“Yes! I love the Ikea café!” He grinned, placing a kiss to your cheek before ushering you into the busy building, watching as you dashed ahead while following the smell of food.

You had shared a tray, letting him carry the food while you balanced the drinks in your arms, the two of you sprawling out along the comfortable leather seats as you ate. Conversation had flowed easily, from one topic to another, never slowing or becoming dull, and Sam realised he could quite literally listen to you talk about anything and not get bored.

You had forced him into people watching, the two of you giggling at people as you watched them pass by, trying to carry ridiculously large boxes of flatpack furniture, or mother's arguing with children about things they weren’t buying that the kids were absolutely insistent that they did need. You made up stories for the weird purchases you saw people buying, and you had started a competition for who could find the worst item combination someone was buying.

He had won, upon spotting someone buying a truly hideous lampshade and a clashing lamp base that he was sure had never been, and would never be, in style.

Once you had finished eating, you had grabbed one of the paper pads from the wall, the box of little pencils sitting beside it, and he had laughed at you as you grabbed a handful. You had one in your hand, one in his, before you had tucked a pencil behind your ear and one behind his, too, your eyes sparkling with mischief as you told him how much you liked to collect the mini-pencils, and he half considered just stealing the entire box for you.

His chest was practically aching from how much he had laughed, and he was sure he hadn't stopped smiling since the moment he’d picked you up, finally knowing which little house belonged to you as he leaned against his car, watching you bounce out of your house in a cute little sundress and dash down the driveway to hug him tightly. He could still feel your arms wrapped around him, the smell of your freshly applied perfume when he’d buried his face in your neck, and the fit of you in his arms when he’d hugged you back with just as much enthusiasm, swaying you from side to side.

You had trekked through the entire store, trying and testing everything from kitchen furniture to sofas. You had a list, front and back, covered in all the product codes of things that would look perfect in the house, and match the beautiful theme that had been crafted. You had lay next to Sam for a while on what you had called your ‘dream bed’, a king-size bed with drawers underneath, reading lamps fastened into the headboard and a plush mattress that he felt he might actually just sink into.

Lying on the display bed that was out, you lay next to him, staring up at the roof as your hair fanned out around you on the bed and he just watched you, admiring how much he enjoyed simply laying with you. He could picture lazy mornings with you just like this, or late nights after work when the both of you were tired. Laying in bed and cuddled up, before you spent the night curled up in his arms to sleep.

He liked this bed, a lot. He did not hesitate to write down the coding for the product so he could find it when he came back one day to pick up furniture.

Reaching out, he took your hand in his, weaving your fingers together, and you paused your aimless rambling, your head falling to the side to look at him, close enough that your breath washed over his lips as he smiled softly, and you only returned the look, squeezing his hand tightly in yours as he stared at you.

When you had been ushered on by another family wanting to look at this bed, your hand had remained locked in his, holding you close to him as you completed your journey. He had been sure to sneakily tuck three of the four small pencils you had stolen into your purse before you’d reached the door, so the member of staff asking for them back couldn’t take them. With a smile, he hadn't over the final pencil, your face burying in his shoulder to quiet your giggles as the two of you walked away across the car park, and his arm dropped to your waist to hold you close.

You had folded the little list neatly, tucking it into the front pocket of his jeans for him as you rambled on about how much you loved the coffee table he had chosen, and how perfect you thought it would look with a blue striped rug underneath it, in the centre of the living room. He wasn’t listening, instead, he grabbed you by both of your hips, pushing you up against the edge of his car as you reached it. His body was almost flush against yours as he looked down at you, your words dying in your throat as you looked up at him.

He was nervous, his heart beating against his chest, but you soon wrapped your arms around his neck, fingers toying with the slightly too-long hairs a the base of his neck as he dipped his head down, his eyes closing as he heard you let out a little gasp at his close proximity. His nose was bumping against yours, his lips so close to you that they brushed when he tilted his head, his tongue catching against your lips when he licked his own, and he felt frozen in this moment of intimacy, your heart pounding just as fast as his, he could feel it, his hands sliding from our hips to your lower back.

Your phone was buzzing absentmindedly in your purse, and he growled slightly under his breath, pulling back and clearing his throat as his nerves got the better of him, tension flooding his body as he stiffened and stepped back. “This was.. really fun. Super fun. We should hang out more often.”

Your jaw dropped at him, and he hated himself instantly.

‘We should hang out more often.’

What the fuck was that about?

You only nodded, your gaze dropping from his with dismay as you reached for the handle to the car, opening the door for yourself and climbing inside, and he watched as you clipped yourself in silently, pulling your phone from your bag to check your notifications. He stared out across the other cars, running a hand over his face and cursing at himself before rounding the car, getting into the driver’s seat and glancing at you as you replied to whatever messages you had received, your fingers flying over the keyboard and he scrambled to try and find a way to fix this, because once again he had ruined the atmosphere around you both.

“You, er, you wanna’ come back to the house? Jake is there.”

You looked up at him, the polite smile that made his gut twist uncomfortably was aimed at him as you shook your head, tucking your hair behind your ear and waving your phone at him a little. “Can’t. One of the dads from the princess prom was hoping I would get drinks, he has some questions about his kid, he has autism and he wanted to know a little more about the teaching methods, so I said yes.”

Sam felt like his skin was crawling, and he twisted the keys to start up the car, his eyes facing forward as he nodded stiffly, jaw clenched. “Right. Of course. I’ll drop you off, I suppose. Where is it?”

You gave him the address, and he tried not to snap the steering wheel. He knew that pub, he’d met some of his tinder hookups there for drinks. It was nice, it had a homey feel, and low lights and private booths. It was a date pub, you didn’t go there unless you were hoping to get some kind of action, and from your innocent smile he assumed you didn’t know that, but he was willing to bet this guy did.

The drive there was tense, and he missed the easy-going bliss that had been the drive you had shared last time. Now, the radio played quietly as he drove in silence, your body facing away from him as you looked out of the window.

If he had just had the guys to kiss you when you were right there, in the moment with him and only him, you wouldn't be going out with another guy right now, and he fucking hated it.

You had got out of the car, checking yourself in his mirrors before smoothing out your dress, and he gave you a tight smile, all while feeling like someone had pushed a hand straight into his chest and torn his heart right out of it.

“You look beautiful. You always do.”

Then, he had watched you leave, flouncing up and into the bar without looking back, mumbling a cheery ‘thanks for a great day, see you later, Sam!’ and you were gone. This hadn't been how he wanted the day to end, and the second you were gone, he threw the car into park, staring at where you had gone, hoping you might come back out, saying you changed your mind, that you wanted to be with him instead and that whoever was waiting inside of you could get lost. But you didn’t, and Sam sniffed, wiping angrily at his eyes and punching at his steering wheel in his rage as he sat in his seat, defeated.

This was exactly why Sam Taylor didn’t do relationships.

As the clock ticked over into twenty minutes, he decided to let his rage cover his drowning grief over the situation as he forced the car back into action, pulling away from the curbside and onto the road, scowling at himself and his life as he headed for his destination. It was another fifteen minutes before he was slamming his car door shut, not even bothering to lock it from the half-assed job he’d done of parking on the driveway before he was storming into the house with the heavy box tucked under his arm, glass bottles jingling with his hurried steps.

Slamming the front door shut behind himself, he heard Jake curse, choosing to ignore it as he stormed up the stairs, straight past his brother who had excitedly come to ask him how it went, and made his way to the top floor. Dropping the box on the balcony floor, he used his keys to tear it open, shoving them deep into his pocket before taking one of the beers from inside, uncapping it quickly and dropping to the floor with a huff. Raising the bottle to his lips, he chugged a good half of the contents of the bottle before he even bothered to kick off his shoes, or take off his jacket.

Once he was finished with the first bottle, he placed it neatly before him, dragging a hand over his face and finally turning to face his brother, who was texting avidly with a concerned look on his face. “You want to tell me what happened?”

“No.”

“Do you want me to leave?” Jake pressed, standing up from where he was leaning in the doorway and Sam bit down on his bottom lip, before reaching into his crate of beers and pulling out two more bottles, offering one to his brother.

“No.”

Jake accepted it, the two of them sitting in silence for a while, and Sam adjusted himself to stare out at the horizon. Pastel shades decorate the horizon, the sun burning brightly as the last of the shimmering air floating began to settle down, and neither man spoke until long after the sun had sunk below the horizon. Jake was still nursing the same bottle of beer, concernedly watching his brother, who was now on his fifth, and gripping the almost empty bottle in a grip so tight his knuckles were white.

When a cool breeze indicative of the night closing in swept over them both, Sam sighed loudly, swilling the rest of the beer in the bottle around before downing it, turning to face him with tears lining his eyes. “She’s on a date. With another guy. Because I’m a fucking coward.”

“That’s not fair, you’re not a coward!”

Sam scoffed, rolling his eyes and tilting his head back to look at the final fading shades of colour on the horizon as deep blue and black took over, sparkling stars in the clear sky shining out brightly. “I didn’t kiss her. She was right there, it was so clearly a date, and she was letting me kiss her, and I didn’t. I said ‘we should hang out more often’.”

“You’re a fucking moron.”

“I know that, Jake.” He growled his words out, eyes narrowing in a glare as he looked at his brother and Jake shrugged, finishing his beer and adding it to the collection before them. The distant sound of a car door slamming caught both of their attention, the much louder sound of the front door slamming made both of them sit upright, until the hushed giggling of a very familiar void caught their attention.

Turning to look back at the stairs, they glanced through the open glass door to see you hauling yourself up the stairs, a dopey and elated smile on your face as you tripped and stumbled, finally reaching the top and finding the confused faces of both the males looking at you.

“I had a thought!” You announced loudly, making your way toward the open balcony and standing in the doorway, staring at the horizon. “If you swapped the first letters of your names, you would be ‘Sake’ and ‘Jam’. You could use both names in a sentence. Like, for fuck’s sake, where’s the jam?”

You cracked up giggling at yourself, your body swaying slightly and Sam simply stared at you, Jake hopping to his feet as his hands landed on your shoulders. “How much did you drink?”

“A fair amount.” You beamed, tapping at Jake’s nose with the tip of your finger, before your eyes dropped down, widening and filling with joy as though you’d only just remembered that Sam was there. “Sam! Hi! I missed the sunset, but I want to watch the stars. Can we watch the stars?”

“Sure thing, sweetheart.” His words were slurred and he watched as you dropped yourself down onto the floor beside him, shuffling yourself along the wall to get comfortable and he used his foot to nudge the half-empty box towards you. “Beer?”

“Love one, thanks.”

“Right, well, I’m leaving. Good luck with your hangovers!” Jake sighed, shaking his head fondly at the both of you as he grabbed his jacket, making his way down the stairs and leaving the both of you in silence. Sam waited until he heard the engine of Jake’s truck spark up, pulling out of the driveway and setting off before he finally swallowed down his pride and turned to you.

“You seem happy. Did your date go well?” He could hear the venom in his own voice as he spat out his own words, but he was too drunk to care, and it would seem that you were decidedly drunk too, because you turned to him, practically beaming as you shook your head.

“It was absolutely atrocious.” You shook your head, sipping at the bitter beverage you held before leaning forward, stacking all the empty bottles up into a pyramid, rather content with your creation before you glanced at him over your shoulder. “I don’t think you want to hear about that though, do you?”

He shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut before plastering a smile on his face and looking at you. “I’m trying to be a supportive friend. You can talk to me, tell me all about your date.”

“Okay, well, he sat way too close to me and was wearing far too much cologne, and he stared at my tits, like, the entire night, and then he tried to kiss me when I was getting in a taxi.”

Sam winced, taking large gulps of his drink. “You’re right, I didn’t want to hear that.”

“Why are you drinking?” You questioned carefully, and he sighed, taking another sip before biting down on his bottom lip.

“Because I didn’t kiss you when I had the chance.” He picked at the label on the bottle, coming away with the slight condensation on the cold glass. “Why did you drink?”

“Because you didn’t kiss me when you had the chance.” Your reply was not what Sam had expected, and he looked at you carefully, watching as you chewed on your lower lip. Reaching over, he took your bottle from your hands, placing it on the cold stone with his own, his hand coming up to cup your cheek, using his thumb to pull your lip from its prison as he ran the pad delicately over it.

“Did you kiss him?”

“No.”

“Good.” With that, he gave up on his hesitations and fears, leaning forward to press his lips to yours in a delicate kiss, a surprised gasp leaving you as his nose bumped against yours. He could sense your surprise, your body stiffening under his hold, before you relaxed, fingers lacing into his hair and holding him tightly to you as you returned the affections and he thought his heart might actually burst from his chest this time. “I’ve been wanting to do that pretty much since I met you.”

His words were mumbled against your lips, and you giggled, nodding in agreement as your foreheads pressed together. “Please do that again.”

“With pleasure.” This time, he was more confident, his lips slanting over yours with force, his hands sliding down from your face to your hips, your fingers tightening in his hair. He was soon nibbling at your lower lip, your lips parting for him as his tongue slipped into your mouth, playing with your own.

It was messy, and sloppy, and a combination of whimpers and moans as the two of you pawed at one another. Your fingers slid down, nails dragging through his scruffy beard and eliciting a growl from him before landing on his chest, curling the material of his shirt up into fists and your hands scrunched up.

The kiss was dominating, and rough, the two of you panting into one another's mouths as your skin burned deliciously from his assault on your mouth and the stubble on his cheeks. The hands on your hips tightened as you shifted, and without pulling away from your mouth, he navigated you, lifting you carefully from your position and all but dragging you into his lap, large palms on your thighs guiding you until you had a leg on either side of his.

Your foot caught on one of the bottles, the glass clinking and fizzing sounding in the air as liquid spilt from the bottle, running in streams towards the edge of the platform and dripping away to the ground so far below. The two of you snapped apart, chests heaving as you giggled at the spilt bottle. “I’m sorry I knocked over your beer.”

“If I ever care about spilt beer more than having you in my lap, I want you to shoot me.” He muttered, trailing kisses along your neck, and your chest shook with silent laughs, soon replaced with moans as he began to leave wet trails along your skin, sucking and nipping at your flesh as he left little red marks dotted along your flesh.

“You say that like I’ll be in your lap often.”

“I sure hope you will. My lap is exactly where you belong. Or by my side. Or under me. As long as you’re with me, I really don’t care.” He groaned as your hand slipped back into his hair, tugging harshly until he left your collarbones, your lips landing back on his and he hummed happily, parting his lips the second he felt you trying to lick your way into his mouth.

His fingers dug into your thighs, so tightly they’d leave marks and his hips bucked up involuntarily into yours, moans falling from both of you at the action and you returned the gesture by rolling his hips down into his. A strangled sound left him, and he could feel your grin against his lips as he sloppily worked his mouth with yours.

You did it again, harder, and he let out a low growl, his hands sliding to your hips to try and still you, and you only pressed down harder into him in return. His cock twitched, hardening rapidly as the sounds you made for him reached his ears, the feeling of you in his lap driving him wild. “Sweetheart, if you don’t stop then I’m going to lose all self-control, and I don’t think you want that.”

His voice was low, scratchy and raw as he tried to suck in desperate breaths between stealing kisses as your nails raked down his chest and over his stomach. “You know what I want? I want to know what it’s like to be fucked on a balcony.”

“Oh, shit..” Sam whimpered, his eyes sliding shut as he tipped his head up to catch your lips in a passionate kiss, swollen lips stinging pleasurably, your fingers playing with his belt buckle as you undid it, his hips lifting up and grinding into your covered core under your skirt as he helped you tug the belt free to be discarded. “Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel pressured, or forced, or like we’re moving too fast an-”

“Sam, stop being scared. Why are you so worried about being so intimate with me?” Your eyes searched his, and he swallowed thickly.

“Because you’re not like the girls I’m normally with, and I don’t want you to feel like you are.”

“Hell of a line there, Taylor.” You smirked, pecking his lips before trailing kisses along his jaw, your fingers swiftly undoing the button on his jeans as you knelt over him, kissing at his neck and yanking the zipper down far enough to slip your hand into his jeans.

“Not a line, just the truth. You’re special to me.” He panted, his hips rolling up as he thrust into your hand, your fingers tracing his hard cock through his underwear as you squeezed at him, palming and rubbing his member until he couldn’t take it anymore. Taking his hand in your own, you lifted the edge of your dress, taking his fingertips and dragging them along your drenched panties, a deep sound rumbling in his chest as he took control, swirling his fingers around your swollen clit through the material. “Shit, sweetheart, you’re drenched.”

“That’s what you do to me.” You let out a cry as he pushed down on your clit roughly, a sly smirk covering his features, and he used his thumb to drag the sodden material to the side, swiping two fingers through your slick folds to part them, nudging against your clit as you moaned his name loudly for him. Easing a single finger into him, your hand shook from where you were teasing him through his boxers, your nails dragging against him through the material the second he slipped the second digit into you, joint noises of pleasure leaving you both.

He pumped his fingers faster, scissoring them and revelling in the wet sounds he could make with your juices as he fucked his fingers into you quickly. Your hips were rolling down into his hand, your mouth pressed to his in a series of frantic kisses as you whispered each other's names into your connected mouths, your hand tightening around him as he brushed against your g-spot. “Please, sweetheart, this is fucking torture.”

“You’re needy.” You teased, and he scoffed, but the sound came out more like a whine as you finally pulled back your hand.

“I’m only needy for you. Now please, just let me fuck you, honey.”

“Okay.” You looped your fingers into his belt loops, tugging the material of his jeans down until they were low enough to release his cock, a hiss leaving him as the cold air swept over him. Throbbing and red, precum oozed from the slit on his head and you let out a whimper at the sight, a strained chuckle leaving him. Inching forward, you leaned down, your fingers wrapping around him gently to line him up with your dripping core before you were sinking yourself down onto him.

Cries of joy left both of you, your foreheads pressed together and Sam could feel your breath panting over his cheek as your jaw hung slack, until your hips were seated snugly together. “You’re so tight, holy fuck.” He felt like the words were wheezed out of him, and he knew you could feel every throw and pulse of his cock between your walls because he could feel every flutter and squeeze you gave him. “M’ so not gonna’ last long.”

“Me either.” You whispered, pressing a quick kiss to his lips before steadying your hands on his shoulder, his fingers flexing on his hips and he choked back a moan as you adjusted yourself rising up on your hips before slamming back down onto him, your eyes rolling back as his lips parted, a sigh leaving him as he thrust up a little to meet you the second time.

Adjusting yourself, you reached one hand out to grip onto the cold metal of the railing beside you, and your other was digging marks into his shoulder, even through the layers of material covering him. Tugging at the hem of your dress, he pushed it up until he had it bunched around your waist, watching the place where your panties were pushed to the side, his cock sliding into and out of your slick hole, covered in your juices and glistening in the night light.

He licked at the pad of his thumb, dropping it to rub rapid circles onto your clit as you squeaked, hips bucking against his with more force and speed as your body became weak, your walls clenching around him so tightly he could barely thrust up into you. You were shaking above him, crying out his name.

“K-Keep doing that.” You licked over your lips, and he grinned, picking up the speed as you locked your hips down into him, both of you spiralling towards your edges as you moved together in lazy but frantic movements, your bodies slamming together as each thrusted connection rocked you both, your nerves on fire. He could feel it in the pit of his belly, just watching you become unravelled above him, his name spilling from your lips in near screams as you pleased yourself on his cock, and he knew he was close.

“Gonna’ cum for me, honey? C’mon, I can feel how close you are. Let me fill you up, just cum for me, sweetheart.”

You nodded, a scream of his name tearing from your lips as bliss took over your body, your hands shakily finding his jaw. You moaned into his mouth, your tongues tangling together as you came, and he gripped onto you just as tightly, his cock twitching before he was breaking, falling over the edge with you and spattering your walls with streams of hot cum, a cry of your name carrying him over the edge.

You continued to move slowly through your highs, before you finally slumped against his chest, your skin shining with a thin layer of sweat, like his, despite the cool night breeze that was brushing over your both as you pressed together. Your arms were looped around his neck, his around your waist as he nuzzled into your neck, holding you close. “That was fucking incredible.” He mumbled, and you laughed tiredly, pulling back to kiss him softly, your fingers carding through his hair soothingly.

“Yeah, it really was.”

Silence overtook the two of you for a few minutes, nothing but the panting you made as you tried to slow your racing hearts and calm your breathing sounded out, until he groaned lowly, your fingers catching on a piece of hair and tugging a little. His cock, still buried within you, twitched in urgency as his half-hard dick seemed to be springing into action once again, and Sam could feel heat crawling up his cheeks as you giggled at him.

“Already?”

“Can’t help it, I’ve wanted this for a long time.” He mumbled, pouting his lips and growling as you purposefully swivelled your hips, clenching around him as you leaned in to kiss him, your teasing laugh at your actions making it more of a messy exchange of lips and tongues than a passionate kiss.

“How about we see what it’s like when you do me up against the wall inside, then?” You winked down at him, wiggling your eyebrows as his hands slid around under your ass, scooping you up in his arms as he stumbled to his feet, cock still nestled deep within you as you clung to him and laughed.

“Fuck, yes.”

[sativaaaaaaa]

Just Us Two || Sarah Paulson

11.) Don't cry. Everything's going to be okay.

14.) Am I not good enough?/ I'm not good enough.

||Reader's name is Gina.||

Gina

"Babe its time for us to go! Are you ready?!" I was standing at the bottom of the stairs shouting up to Sarah. She's kept me waiting for over an hour and we were almost late to my doctors appointment.

"Here I come!" I saw her stagger out of our bed room while trying to put her shoe on. I simply rolled my eyes and walked around from the stairs as she started to descend them.

By the time I made it to the door she was behind me with her keys and phone. We got in the car and basically sped to the doctors office since she had made us late.

"Next time slow down and be on time. I'm carrying precious cargo here!" I immediately scolded as I got out of the car. I instinctively set my right hand atop my stomach as I walked around the car and to the entrance of the building.

"I'm sorry I kept getting distracted while getting ready and I didn't want us to be late. We find out our baby avocado's gender today aren't you excited!" Her voice got slightly higher in pitch as she ended her sentence. I looked at her and my heart melted when I saw her eyes lit up and a giant smile on her face.

"Yes I'm excited now let me go check in so we can see our avocado." I pecked her lips quickly before walking over to the desk and checking in with the receptionist.

After everything was done I went and sat by Sarah, who immediately put her hand on my stomach before leaning down and talking to our baby. The baby instantly started moving around making me slight groan in pain and a bit of irritation. I was about say something until the doctor called my name. I simply side eyed Sarah before getting up and walking in the back with the doctor.

Sarah trailed close behind me and once we got in the room she helped me up on the table before sitting next to me.

"So how have you been? Been sleeping okay?" The doctor questioned as she logged into the computer and turned the ultra machine on.

"I've been alright but it gets hard to sleep sometimes because our little avocado likes to push up against my lungs when I lay down. But other than that I've been fine." I explained as I laid back on the table with my hands on my stomach, softy tapping my fingers over it.

"Well that's normal. The baby is starting to grow so sometimes the stretch in odd ways but if that's all then lets take a look at this bugger shall we?" She stood up and walked over to the sink as I lifted my shirt up to me chest exposing my round stomach.

"Hopefully we'll be able to get a good look. Sarah woke em up. As usual." I slightly side eyed Sarah making her chuckle under her breath as the doctor came and sat by my other side.

"Every time I start talking avocado wakes up. Its not my fault!" Sarah vindicated herself whilst raising her hands in defense. I just rolled my eyes again before wincing at the coldness of the gel.

I turned my head towards the screen and watched as the picture began to form once the sensor was in my stomach. Soon the baby's heartbeat filled the room causing all of us go to silent. A smile began to grow on my face as the baby moved giving us a better look at her.

"Oh my god its a girl! Yes you owe me 30 bucks Sare!" I exclaimed whilst clapping my hands and doing a little dance.

"Oh man I was hoping for a boy!" She huffed before flopping back in her seat with an adorable pout on her face.

"Its okay Sareee. If she's anything like me she'll definitely be a tomboy." The doctor snapped a few pictures for us before wiping my stomach off and heading back over to the desk before speaking.

"We have the results back from the genetic test you did a few months back. Would you like to hear the results?"

"Yes I would like to." I sat up once my shirt was down and I leaned forward placing my hands on the edge of the table.

"Well we can confirm that the baby will have asthma when she is born do to it hereditary. No down syndrome, clef pallet, clef lip or arm. But we have discovered that she may or may not have autism. We won't be too sure until a year or so after she's born. We can get her tested early and start treatment soon after that but we'll just have wait it out and see."

As she was speaking Sarah and I stayed quiet just nodding along. I could visibly see the panic in Sarah's face but I on the other hand wasn't too worried. I've dealt with and monitored my asthma my whole life and I was well experienced in taking care of special needs children.

After hearing the results, getting the pictures and planning my next appointment Sarah and I went back home. She was being a bit distant but I wasn't really too worried. I knew she needed sometime to digest what the doctor told us so I wasn't pushing her to talk or bothering up. I sent some pictures of the baby to our friends and let them know the gender before retreating upstairs.

"Babe I'm going to take a nap. Wake me up in an hour?" I glanced down at her as she stood in the kitchen.

"Yeah. Go ahead and get some rest." She hadn't bothered to look up at me when she responded. I sighed softy to myself before heading upstairs and laying down.

I woke up about 3 hours later. The sun was setting and the house was unusually quiet. I sat up while rubbing my eyes and checked my phone before getting up and going downstairs.

"Babe? You were supposed to wake me up sooner." I rounded the corner into the kitchen and was met with silence. Sarah wasn't there.

I frowned and went to check the living room. She wasn't there either. I went back upstairs and checked the bathroom and the guest room. No sign of her there either. I went back into our room and noticed her nightstand was cleaned off completely. I opened the drawer finding it empty.

Panic set in as I went around the room and noticed her things were gone. Tears stung my eyes as I frantically dialed her number. I couldn’t get through to her. I started texting her inside and saw my texts not sending giving me verification that she had blocked me. I went on all social media and saw she had blocked me from there too.

It was like my heart stopped. Tears ran down my face as I dialed Sandy’s number with shakey hands.

“Genie!! What’s up girly?” Sandy cheerful voice rang from the other end.

“Sandy she left.. She’s gone and she blocked me and I have no idea where she went!” I began to ramble as tears ran down my face. It soon started getting more difficult for me to breathe.

“Hey hey hey calm down. Who left Gina? What happened?!” I heard the panic lace through her voice. I heard some shuffling in the background but I was too concerned about what was happening in my little world.

“Sarah! Sarah left! I don’t know why. We.. We went to the doctors office and she was a little distant but I wasn’t too worried because we got some heavy hitting news but I didn’t think she was gonna leave! Oh God Sandy she really left!” I began to hyperventilate causing me to get dizzy so I sat down on the bed. It felt like the room was spinning.

I closed my eyes and began to take deep breaths to calm myself.

“Come open the door.” Sandy’s voice startled me but I got up and went downstairs. I unlocked and opened the door revealing Sandy standing in front of me with two boxes of tissue and her arms wide open.

Tears stung my eyes again as I leaned into her crying into her chest. She walked me back into the house closing the door with her foot and we sat down on the floor. She opened one of the boxes of tissues and used one to wipe my tears and she held me in her arms.

“Why did she leave? Did I do something wrong? Am I not good enough?” I sobbed into Sandy’s chest as my breath began to get shallow again.

“Hey hey. Shhh. Breathe with me honey. Don’t cry. Everything will be alright. I promise.”

___________________________

word count - 1500

part one of 3

[sativaaaaaaa]

Just Us Two || Sarah Paulson

Part One 🔽

15: "I'm so so sorry."

16: "This is all your fault!"

|Reader's name is Gina and the baby's name is Ava. Time skip : 2 years later||

Gina

These past two years have been eventful to say the least. I found out that my daughter ended up having non verbal Autism. To any other parent that would be heartbreaking or something hard to deal with but I've managed to balance her and my job. Well... the job I did have. I've had too many scares with Ava's asthma so I ultimately had to quit to take care of her full time.

It gets a little hard.. Dealing with her on my own. I mean, I have family and friends and they do the best they can but when the sun sets and its just me and her in the apartment, things just aren't the same.

Since I don't have a job I can't afford Ava's therapy sessions so today was her last session for a while, just until I got some more money. She was making great progress though; we found out that music was a really helpful tool in having her interact and it was helping her make sounds and let loose. So in honor of her progress we decided to go get ice cream.

Everything was going smoothly until we ran into someone...

Zarlengo's Italian Ice and Ice Cream

"What do you want princess? Do you want strawberry or fruit punch?" As I was asking Ava what she wanted I held up one finger for strawberry and two fingers or fruit punch. Since she doesn't speak I've found ways and tricks to use when she has to decide between two things.

She looked at me for a while before holding up two fingers. I smiled and her before placing a small kiss on her nose as we moved up in the line. Once I made it to the front of the line I began to place my order.

"Hi can I have one scoop of fruit punch Italian ice and one small Arctic Cooler with strawberry Italian ice?" I shifted Ava on my hip while grabbing a $10 bill out of my pocket.

The cashier rang us up and handed me my change before we stepped to the side. There was some music playing lightly which made Ava kick her feet in excitement. Another smile appeared on my face as I began to dance with her in my arms while playfully nudging her nose with mine.

She let out a laugh before placing her hands on my cheeks and kissing my forehead.

"Thank you Avacado. Mommy loves her avocado's kisses!" I softly cooed at her.

The bell at the door rung catching my attention. I glanced over my shoulder just curious to see who it was but was immediately shocked when I saw Sarah walk in with her new girlfriend, Holland Taylor.

I quickly whipped around and thankfully my number was called. I walked up to the counter and I grabbed Ava and I's Italian ice before retreating to the back of the parlor so Sarah wouldn't notice me.

Seeing her made a bunch of old feelings, good and bad, bubble to the surface. Ava was the only thing keeping me grounded at the moment so I just decided to enjoy my time with her instead of worrying about who was around me.

Soon we were done and I grabbed some baby wipes out of my purse and cleaned Ava before collecting our trash and standing up.

"Come on Avacado, its time to go home." I picked her up and placed a kiss on her cheek but as I started walking to the door Sarah looked over at me briefly making eye contact with me.

I cursed in my head seeing her walk over towards me. I wanted to bolt out of the door but I stood there with Ava in my arms as she got closer.

"Gina? Oh my goodness. Um, how are you?" She stammered over her words seeming a little nervous and a little shocked.

"I'm as good as I can be. How are you?" My voice lacked emotion and my stare was blank. I was trying really hard to keep my cool but memories of her leaving and me going through labor by myself kept flashing in my head making me upset. But I concealer my feelings for the sake of Ava; I didn't want to frighten her and make her have a behavioral episode.

"Umm I've been. I've been okay I supposed. Who's this little cutie?" Oh.. So she wanted to act dumb.

"This is Ava, my daughter. She's 2." I gently tickled Ava's side to get her attention. She squealed and tried to grab my hand which eased my anger some - but not all the way.

"Well hi Ava." Sarah gave her a little wave and Ava gave her the same before laying her head on my shoulder. Sarah looked confused for a second before glancing at me for an explanation on why Ava didn't speak.

"She had non verbal Autism. Today was her last day of therapy for a while." I muttered trying to keep my cool. Talking about her struggles always made me upset. Not at her but at the fact that everyone basically left me at the first sight of trouble; Sarah included.

"Oh my goodness. I'm so so sorry. Why was this her last therapy session? Shouldn't she been in therapy until she speaks or something?" Sarah rambled on in a low voice trying not to cause a scene or draw attention to us.

"I can't afford it. So we'll keep doing what we can at home until I come up on some money to pay for her sessions." I shifted on my feet realizing that my anger was slowly growing by the second. It almost bursted to the top because she touched me... She grabbed my arm and tried to soothe me. Like really?

I stepped back from her as soon as her fingers grazed my arms. My eyes held fire but I kept my voice calm as I looked her dead in the eye.

"Don't. Touch. Me."

"Gina don't be like that. I can explain everything." She bargained with me. She reached out to touch me again but I moved away before she could.

"There is no explanation in this world that could vindicate what you left me to endure by myself. You just left without a warning, blocked me on everything possible without a second thought. Your careless and selfish decision made our friends feel like that had to choose and guess who got chosen. Certainly wasn't me obviously because if it was I wouldn't be saving everything I could possibly get my hands in to provide for the child that you wanted and left me with and now I can barely provide for her because the person who vowed to have my back through thick and thin decided to leave me when life got a little too heavy hitting for her liking. There is nothing you can say or do to ever get me to forgive you. This is all your fault." 

Hot tears were streaming down my face but my voice never wavered in volume or emotion. Her face read nothing but pure guilt. She had nothing else to say. She just stared down at her shoes leaving nothing but silence between us.

I scoffed and wiped my face with my free hand turning around and walking away from her and out of the parlor. I tried to hold my emotions in as Ava and I walked home but the tears just kept flowing but I wiped them every time they fell.

I had to be strong; for myself and for Ava. I was all we had. No one else had our backs. It was just us two......

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word count : 1314

|| Sorry if us this is a little trash. I just got off of work and decided to write this since I had a bit of energy left. But I digress. Avacado is Ava and avocado put together 𝒐𝒃𝒗𝒊𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒍𝒚, Zarlengo's is a real ice cream and Italian ice place where Im from so yeahhh. And an Arctic Cooler is half vanilla ice cream half flavored Italian Ice. Its really good guys 😭 But that is all for now. |