#same lines. exact same lines spoken by 2 different people and i am LOSING it.

[tayyyyylor]

just gonna put this out there

[baoshan-sanren]

Part 17

to the fucking NieLan arranged marriage AU I can’t stop thinking about - I’m really temped to name this “How To Communicate With Your Husband: A Narrative in Many Parts by Lan XiChen and Nie MingJue” 

pt.1 here | pt.2 here | pt.3 here | pt.4 here | pt.5 here | pt.6 here | pt.7 here | pt.8 here | pt.9 here | pt.10 here | pt.11 here | pt.12 here | pt.13 here | pt.14 here | pt.15 here | pt.16 here

By the time they are pushed into Wen RuoHan’s gaudy receiving hall, MingJue has reached some semblance of calm. 

All battle plans are only certain until the first arrow leaves the bow, and this one is no different. It would be easy to lose himself in rage over this betrayal; to question every word Wen Qing had ever spoken, every message her brother had sent. She had looked equally as shocked when they found themselves surrounded, but it makes little difference, whether her shock was genuine or an act. Whether he still dare trust her is equally as irrelevant.

The City gates have likely been breached by now, but the battle is still distant, and the palace is still under the Wen Sect control. Only a dozen people he trusts know his exact plans, and only half of those could accurately guess MingJue’s current location in the Nightless City. There will be no rescue. There will be no lucky escape. He must make peace with having lost this battle, and take comfort in knowing that the war will be won nonetheless.

Wen RuoHan is sitting in an exaggerated monstrosity of a Sect Leader’s chair, an enormous gold sun rising above his head, the entire contraption set on a platform, and resembling an emperor’s throne. A boy is standing at his right shoulder, his face blank and expressionless. Another dozen Wen Sect cultivators are lined up against the walls. There is someone kneeling on the floor in front of the platform, their head bent and hidden by a river of dark hair, their robes tattered and rust colored. It is the person’s back that catches MingJue’s gaze, crisscrossed with whip marks, a devastating length of torn skin and ruined flesh.

It takes MingJue a single breath to recognize the kneeling form. In the next, his calm is swept away in a fury that defies words. There are no coherent thoughts to his actions, no finesse, no calculation of any kind. He has never needed the saber to kill. The Wen Cultivator who had pushed him into the hall dies with a mask of shock on his face, the bones of his neck shattering in MingJue’s grip. The man’s sword, graceful and light, feels unfamiliar in MingJue’s hand. But a blade is a blade, and two more cultivators lose their limbs before the rest can react. MingJue can hear nothing but his own howl of rage. He cannot feel any pain. He is bleeding from dozens of cuts, and six men are dead by the time Wen RuoHan’s guards manage to knock him down to the ground.

Wen RuoHan seems completely unruffled, still sprawled on his throne, as if he had expected no less than a full blown slaughter in his hall.

“A-Lin,” he says, “is there anything you would like to say to your sister, before she is put to death?”

The boy at his shoulder is staring straight ahead, and his voice comes out thin but steady.

“I have no sister.”

MingJue hears Wen Qing make a sound of distress, but does not turn to look at her. He cannot look away from the kneeling shape in front of the platform. 

He is aware that the hall is now guarded by less than a dozen cultivators, and that Wen RuoHan is unlikely to have more at hand. He can hear the roar from outside the palace, a barely perceptible sound of the Jiang Sect battle drums, but neither is growing any louder. Wen RuoHan would have sent every last man he can spare to hold the palace. The possibility of a rescue seems even less viable now, than it had been only minutes ago. 

But everything is secondary to XiChen.

He is utterly motionless, his breaths barely discernible, as if deep in meditation, removed from the world around him. How can he stay so still? How can he bear the pain? The whip marks on his back cross one another so many times, that no lines can be distinguished. They must have cut down to the bone.

He does not think that he has ever truly hated Wen RuoHan before. The man is an old fool. Only old fools believe that they are somehow destined for greatness, despite their utter insignificance in the world. It is hard to hate fools, and easier to pity them. But MingJue hates him now, with a passion that feels annihilating.

“Both your sons are dead,” MingJue says, “One may have been killed by the Violet Spider, and the other on the field of battle, but they both died on the orders of a butcher. How feeble is the product of your loins, when I can have it killed without dirtying my hands? You should thank me,” he grins up at Wen RuoHan, “for eliminating such incompetence from your bloodline.”

A hilt of a sword slams into the back of his head, and he pitches forward, the blood from his mouth spraying across the stone floors.

Wen RuoHan rises from his vulgar throne, and slowly makes his way down the platform steps, the boy following behind him.

“You mean to provoke me to fight I suppose,” he says, “but there is no honor in winning against you.”

He passes by XiChen as if he does not exist, and steps lightly over the cultivator MingJue had killed. The cultivator’s sword, he carelessly kicks to the side. The boy following behind him bends over to pick it up, the movement perfunctory, as if picking up objects Wen RuoHan kicks out of the way is a matter of habit, rather than conscious thought. Wen RuoHan, who is only a few steps away from MingJue now, pauses at the scrape of the blade against the stone, and turns with a small frown.

“Put that down, A-Lin. You know I do not allow--“

There is no change in the boy’s expression. No shifting of balance, no sideways glance, no movement to his lips. The same casual movement with which he had picked up the sword, carries the sword upward, and buries the tip in the hollow of Wen RuoHan’s throat.

Time seems to stop. 

No one moves. Not the boy, not the Wen cultivators utterly frozen around them, not even Wen RuoHan, whose blood is sliding down the blade to the boy’s hand. There is a soft gurgle from his throat, and his fingers twitch, as if he means to reach up and remove the tip of the blade himself. Now, there is a shadow of an expression on the boy’s face, a faint wrinkle in his forehead. He steps forward, and the blade punches out of the back of Wen RuoHan’s neck, the blade sickeningly grinding against the bones of his spine. Wen RuoHan’s knees finally fold. The boy, seemingly surprised that the blade is still in his hand, releases the hilt and steps back, which is somehow the most amazing, but also the most ridiculous thing MingJue has ever seen.

He moves before Wen RuoHan’s body manages to hit the ground, his hands closing around the hilt while the men around him are still frozen in shock. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Wen Qing moving at the same time, snatching up the sword from one of the dead men, and immediately tuning on the live ones. The battle is short and bloody, the Wen sluggish in their shock. Four of them are dead before the rest decide that dropping their blades and surrendering is a far better option.

“Run,” Wen Qing snaps at them, “Tell the others that there is nothing left to fight for.”

They are moving before the words have even left her mouth completely, not one of them sparing a glance for the motionless body of their Sect Leader.

Wen Qing immediately turns to her brother, her expression both furious and relieved. MingJue can hear her questioning the change in their plans, and Wen Ning’s hesitant replies. But he no longer cares about their failed strategies. 

XiChen is still on his knees, unmoving, and MingJue feels genuine fear for the first time since entering the underground tunnel.

He kneels in front of him, noticing a thousand details at once. XiChen’s hands resting on his knees. The blood under his fingernails. Abrasions around his wrists that look raw and angry, as if the top layer of skin had been scraped off. The thickness of his hair, even dirty and matted with old blood, covering him like a cape. His head is bent, and his face not visible, but he is breathing. MingJue can see him breathing.

“XiChen?”

There is a barely perceptible flinch, but nothing more.

MingJue reaches out, then hesitates. He cannot guess how deep XiChen had drifted, or what the consequences could be, of pulling him out too fast.

“XiChen.”

Another flinch, followed by a slight tremor. XiChen’s fingers curl into the flesh of his legs, and the tremor becomes a full-body shiver, so violent, that MingJue can hear his teeth click. A soft gasp leaves him, then a slightly louder one, and MingJue does not have time to react before XiChen is gasping urgently as if he had ran for hours, his body tilting sideways and towards the floor. Terrified of hurting him more, MingJue does not dare grab any part of him to prevent the fall, but shifts his body so XiChen would sway into him instead. Even so, XiChen’s ravaged shoulder connects with MingJue’s, and he whimpers, palms coming up against MingJue’s chest, as if to push himself away.

“XiChen,” MingJue says again, feeling helpless.

The shivers do not cease, but the palms pressed against his chest curl in, gathering handfuls of material in a tight grip. His head is still bowed, and it shakes once, viciously, as if in denial.

“No,” he rasps, “Not-- real.”

“XiChen,” his own voice is hoarse, something painful and bitter lodged in the back of his throat.

XiChen lifts his head slowly, eyes wide and shining, shock obvious in every line of his face. His hands scramble up, his fingers brushing over MingJue’s jaw and cheekbone, as if needing to ensure that he is real.

“Is-- how?” he breathes, “Are you really--“

MingJue cups his hand over his own cheek, careful of the scraped wrist, “I am truly here.”

“Oh,” XiChen gasps, “Oh!”

He throws himself forward with no warning, arms wrapping around MingJue’s neck, feverish cheek pressing against MingJue’s own. Just as quickly, he is pulling back, face contorted in pain. His trembling hands reach up again, and cup MingJue’s face. Fingers flutter over his temples, his cheeks, his chest. They brush over his shoulders, his arms, XiChen’s frantic gaze following the touch, as if somehow trying to see all of him at once.

It takes MingJue a few moments to understand what XiChen is doing, but when he does, the realization strikes him like a blade to the heart.

“I am not hurt,” he says, trapping the man’s restless hands with his own.

“There is blood,” XiChen rasps, “you are bleeding.”

“I am not hurt, XiChen. I am fine.”

As if only now realizing where he is, XiChen jerks his head in panic, gaze falling on the empty throne. His eyes sweep over the carnage on the floor, the bodies twisted in pool of blood, and settle on the heap of gold and crimson robes.

“Is--“

“Dead. He is dead.”

XiChen shivers, and closes his eyes. His hands are tight around MingJue’s, and he says nothing else, breathing deeply and deliberately, as if struggling for composure. In this moment, their fingers entwined, their heads so close together that MingJue can feel each exhale on his skin, all else in the world ceases to matter.

MingJue will give him all the time that he needs.

[rorykillmore]

can you rank (loosely if u don't want to play exact favorites) villanelle's most important or influential denny relationships?

i’m just putting them roughly in the order she met/reunited with them on denny, for the record. and in case anyone was thinking of coming for me, this is just what i reckon are the most INFLUENTIAL, good and bad, not a complete list of her friends or family or important interactions

okay and this is just going underneath a cut because it got long as fuck

fox is villanelle’s best friend, her -- if we lived in the, like, idk, homestuck universe (not to immediately make this cursed.) where you can have a romantic soulmate AND a platonic soulmate, he’s her platonic soulmate. and in terms of influence, i want to emphasize how much of villanelle’s denny arc, like... could not have been possible without fox. fox was the first person who was ever kind to her despite having absolutely no reason to be, and he was also the person who challenged her in such an important way at such an important time. during the whole GRACE plot, HE came back for her, and HE’S the one who essentially said “look, you have a choice. you’re not just a tool for this organization. one way or another, you need to make a choice.” which. again. a huge first in her life!

i’m trying to keep these short and sweet since i have so many to talk about, but genuinely like... i cannot understate fox’s importance as a part of villanelle’s life. and for her to even be able to have a best friend, to begin with? that’s such a like, idk. cornerstone of things Normal People Get To Have, and every day i write her i am so so happy she found him. from an ooc perspective, they’ve like, been to hell and back together also, and there’s a fierce kind of joy as writer when you look at a relationship that’s over a year old and has evolved so much over that time and get to go “we made this together!!!”

konstantin meanwhile is... well, he’s the healthiest parental figure villanelle’s ever had. which. really isn’t a high bar! their relationship has always been so tempestuous because it is built on konstantin’s manipulation of villanelle, both to use her for his own gain and... y’know, for his own survival, being able to manage her as long as he did! but he also genuinely loves her, and has gone out of his way on a number of occasions to protect her or help her or take care of her whereas it’s quite likely that most of the twelve’s handlers... just wouldn’t give a shit! i highly doubt that the twelve are the kind of organization where you’re supposed to get actually attached to your agent. and for villanelle, konstantin’s affection for her makes things more confusing, because it’s hard for her to ever draw the line between what’s sincere affection and what’s manipulation. post-canon update, she kind of now aggressively thinks he’s full of shit and is rejecting him for her own well-being which i think! is an important boundary for villanelle to be able to learn to set for herself! and you and i have spoken about how we don’t want to reconcile that immediately, but i also think... she would very much miss him and that it would be very, very strange for her to be without him when she’s ALWAYS had him to fall back on on denny, and indeed in most of her adult life in general. she needs to learn to stand without him, but at the same time.... i’m super interested to see how they approach each other now from this more honest, fractured place.

and then we have ruby , which. i still think ruby and villanelle are one of the most delightfully unexpected panfandom dynamics i’ve ever helped form PERIOD. and it’s interesting because hunter and i have always talked about how you would never expect these two characters to connect on the surface -- and you wouldn’t! but in exploring the ways they’re different, we’ve also found these really jarring similarities between them, too? and i think in a way, they’ve kind of bled into each other on top of that. villanelle’s relationship with ruby is like, INCREDIBLY formative to her learning empathy and just how to... nurture a relationship and be there for other people, but she has also become someone who ruby looks up to, and i think she’s contributed to maybe. Darkening ruby a bit, in that way.  

i also think of all the girls, ruby is the one who villanelle has the most explicitly maternal relationship with. weiss too, but i’ll get into why i think that works a bit differently in weiss’ section. but anyway, WHEN you have that kind of relationship with someone, at least when you’re approaching it with earnesty and a determination to do it Right, it challenges you with a certain kind of responsibility that i think has been essential to villanelle’s development too. not only has it taught villanelle how you love someone in a comparatively selfless way from what she’s used to, but requires from her a certain kind of self-awareness and moral awareness (if she doesn’t care about doing the right thing In General, she cares about doing right by ruby) that has allowed her to mature a bit on denny. so yeah, ABSOLUTELY one of of villanelle’s most influential dynamics. 

she’s obviously also very close with weiss, and i would also call her feelings for weiss maternal, but compared to ruby/villanelle i think weiss and villanelle’s relationship tends to take on a more Sisterly overtone on the surface. and i think that’s maybe because weiss HAS a sister who is basically villanelle’s age, who is her other maternal figure, so for weiss that’s more just how these kinds of feelings tend to Manifest. idk. you know, not to speak for jay, that’s just my take on it. but while weiss and villanelle have never really clashed the way ruby and villanelle have and then had to work through resolving that, i think in a way weiss just holds villanelle more accountable on a more day to day basis? they’re always quite honest with each other, weiss has always been quick to call her out, and like -- post-graceplot, for instance, weiss was the one who was like “i believe you didn’t mean to hurt us but you still need to find a way to make this right.”

and not that weiss did this deliberately, but she’s also the person who REALLY tested the person villanelle has become on denny and how... committed she is to loving the people she loves, via everything that went down during the hunger games. the way villanelle feels about the sacrifice she made is still really complicated -- it’s not something she feels comfortable being commended for, but it’s also not something she regrets. she’s not one to put selfless sacrifice on a pedestal, especially not in a horrible situation like that where neither of them should have had to to begin with, but a part of her... does find a deep sense of relief in finding this validation that her love for weiss - and all the girls, really - is real, and that she proved it to herself. after the games, i think maybe villanelle can be open with weiss in a way that she can’t entirely be with the rest of the girls. it’s just one of those things where if you go through something like that together, the bond it forges is quite unique.

i wavered on whether to include blake because villanelle didn’t do quite as much active development with her or yang, but i’m throwing blake in here for a few reasons.  1) post-graceplot when villanelle was kind of avoiding everyone, blake was the person who was able to approach that from the most empathetic point of view since she had just recently been on a “running away from everyone” arc herself, and i think that ultimately helped villanelle a lot in easing into wanting to make things right.

2) blake’s death during the games, and her not coming back afterwards, was a HUGE driving factor in how desperately angry villanelle became after the fact. it’s also maybe the most raw experience she’d had with grief up to that point, and it wasn’t something she was able to reconcile. that loss really helped to fuel her rage and also taught villanelle that even when you do your best to love someone else, things can still go wrong and you can still lose them, and that... wasn’t an easy thing for her to come to terms with.

and 3) she promised to fuck up adam for her if he ever showed up which, i think, should be the driving goal of the rest of villanelle’s life, 

sun and villanelle aka the single greatest example of “what if we jokingly shipped this oh god oh no wait i’m invested.” look they were always meant to be temporary but they were so goddamn sweet! while they lasted! i think planning temporary ships can give characters MOUNTAINS of development that endgame ships just can’t give you in the same way (not to say there’s not plenty of development that comes from endgame ships; i’m just saying there’s. a special kind of development that comes specifically from being brave enough to approach ending things with finality.) in villanelle’s case, that kind of stable, sweet relationship where she was tempering so much of herself deliberately could have never lasted, but it was good for her to get to experience that for a little while regardless? while i don’t think she was in love with sun, she did learn to just love him, and i think the clarity and simplicity sun approaches people in general with was something villanelle really benefited (and still benefits) from. most of all, it was significant for her to be able to see and understand that she wasn’t going to be able to be present and stable in that relationship in the way that sun deserved, and to make the decision to let him go. even if she was never OBSESSIVE about sun, villanelle still used to be a pretty selfish person who didn’t see any reason to let go of things if she enjoyed them, so i think. it can’t be underestimated, what sun taught her about love. 

emerald and villanelle have come SUCH a long way. first they were friends, then they were very bitter enemies, now they’re friends again approaching even a familial fondness. when villanelle was angry at emerald, it was never so much morally based as it was specifically based in the way emerald had hurt ruby, and penny, and had lied to villanelle herself. and although they started to resolve that after em didn’t take the chance to take advantage of villanelle during the memory glitch, i really think it was all the cinder stuff that allowed them to become close again. there are a lot of parallels between emerald and villanelle: both of them have coped by refusing to acknowledge the depths they’d sunken into over their heads with their respective organizations, both of them have been stuck in incredibly fucked up situations with older women. i think when villanelle acknowledges what emerald’s been through and is able to recognize that and feel compassion for her, she’s in a way learning to feel compassion for herself, and that’s very significant. i’d love to see how they evolve after villanelle’s canon update because i think now she’ll even have. More feelings about that. and i also think on some subconscious level as the new fall maiden she feels some kind of obligation to em, to be better than cinder was.

eve is, of course, a given on a list like this. she is such a powerful - the most powerful, in fact - influence on villanelle in any universe, and i think a lot about that in the context of villanelle having so many other people in her life now who she loves and who love her. as we’ve kind of seen on at least one occasion, if villanelle had to choose between eve and everything and everyone else she has... she would always choose eve. which isn’t something i’m trying to paint as sweepingly romantic (i love villaneve and i love how disastrous they are around one another, but i can still admit i’d be concerned for someone who would choose their partner over EVERY OTHER LOVED ONE THEY HAVE COMBINED,) but then again, it’s not even necessarily only for romantic reasons. it’s because eve is someone and something villanelle... craves, needs, finds time and time again that she simply cannot live without.

and them trying to make a relationship with one another work on denny has really provided its own unique set of challenges that’ve had an impact on both of them. eve and villanelle are deeply intrinsically connected, but that doesn’t necessarily equate to peaceful coexistence. any semblance of that, i think, is something that they’re always going to have fight for durations of, because their instinct is so much to consume one another instead! while its effect on villanelle of course can’t be described as wholly healthy - like i just mentioned above, she can be pushed into that place where she just sabotages everything else in her life for eve even still - that isn’t to say that there aren’t things about eve that haven’t changed villanelle for the better too! because to even have a romantic relationship with eve for an extended period of time like she has, villanelle has had to get better at certain things. she’s had to access a place of vulnerability and willingness to communicate that she hasn’t with anyone else, she’s had to accept eve’s own agency and individuality separate from their relationship (which is something she did on denny even before season 3 had her do it in canon!), she’s even had to do things like confront what her, say, killing bill actually meant and how it affected and continues to affect eve. it’s an absolutely explosive and constantly unstable dynamic, but there is of course GENUINE love between the two of them, and i really love all the ways in which villanelle’s been challenged to fight for that.

carolyn bears a mention because she’s undoubtedly been hugely influential  in the choices villanelle has made (and the ones which have been denied to her), especially lately. i don’t think villanelle ever particularly underestimated carolyn, but i think she was much too proud and too cocky to have imagined she’d have ever ended up under carolyn’s thumb the way she did. carolyn forced villanelle into the RID, and that was a situation villanelle was pretty complacent in for a while if only because it generally worked out for her. it took being backed into a corner to realize exactly how fucked she was, and interestingly enough i think that started to open villanelle’s eyes to the reality that she keeps ending up trapped by these higher powers, which is something that her canon update is going to heavily heavily emphasize. so. yeah, although while canon villanelle is mostly ambivalent to carolyn, denny villanelle absolutely HATES her. which. heh. may not end well. for at least one of them.

natasha is such a significant relationship for villanelle because i think, even with all the time she’s spent on denny and all the people she’s met? villanelle does not know... many people who are like her. most of her friends who know she’s an assassin either shy away from that part of her, or acknowledge it without really understanding what it means or what villanelle’s relationship is with killing and her own inner darkness. but natasha is such a PARALLEL to villanelle in so many ways, she was shaped into a weapon and told it’s the thing that defines her too, and even though she got out, she still has to grapple with that part of herself every single day. villanelle and natasha have their differences, sure, their variations in character and how their individual stories play out, but they also share a very specific understanding with one another that i don’t think either of them can really get anywhere else at the moment. and that’s a huge part of why nat has been such a significant influence on villanelle. when nat shows villanelle compassion, it comes from a deep, unfiltered place of empathy, something that could never be mistaken as Pity because they both understand what an insult that would be. when nat shows kindness and affection towards villanelle, it always seems to come from a place of “i understand the place you’re in completely, and you deserve to be treated like a human being anyway” which i think is so tragically ironic considering the self-loathing nat still carries around with her.

and i think there’s a part of villanelle that... while on denny she’s never expressed outward interest in completely changing her lifestyle or anything like that, i think there’s a part of her that looks at nat and admires how far she’s dug herself out of the hole she was in and, in some small quiet way, hopes to be like her someday.

pyrrha is pretty unique among the ruby girls in that like, rather than bonding with her gradually, villanelle kind of latched onto her immediately in a very “THIS IS TEAM RWBY’S DEAD LOVED ONE I MUST PROTECT HER” sort of way. which is interesting in its own way, because villanelle is rarely that protective of other people, and i think it goes beyond the physical (because she knows pyrrha can take care of herself) and more into the emotional. which villanelle does not especially consider herself well-equipped to handle, but hey, she’s gotta make sure pyrrha values herself beyond just what she can give or sacrifice to others!!!

on the subject, in terms of influence i have to mention that pyrrha gave her life for villanelle during the games, which is something that no one has ever done for her before, and an event which directly compelled villanelle to do the same for weiss. i don’t think villanelle knows how to even... address that, really, and can’t fully process the scope of it even though she made a similar decision in the end. in simplified terms, she feels like she owes pyrrha a debt, and one she hasn’t yet fathomed a way to repay.

elizabeth really just started out as a minor infatuation, a lil crush like villanelle gets on any pretty woman who intrigues her for more than 5 minutes. her flirtations with elizabeth were all in line with that, and i don’t think villanelle really realized how much she was encouraging elizabeth’s feelings for an attachment to her, particularly because her own feelings were not particularly intense for the first stretch of their friendship! in a way, villanelle’s relationship with elizabeth is a good examination and challenge of something i haven’t really done before with villanelle, which is that, like. it’s not her fault that she doesn’t bond or attach the way other people do (or at least, is much slower to), but she also has virtually no self-awareness of the way she engages and sometimes leads people on as a result. a lot could have been averted if she’d just... had the sense to set boundaries or had found a way to be more honest about the person she is.

but a lot’s happened since then, and now villanelle has to contend with the fact that she DOES love elizabeth, but at a time when their relationship has already just become too strained and impossible for the time being. additionally, villanelle really has no reference at all for being IN love with someone (or approaching that, anyway) in a way that’s non-obsessive and more quiet and gradual and just... very different from the way she loves eve, so she has a real hard time distinguishing this grey area between platonic and romantic feelings. because villanelle is still very literal in the interpretation of her emotions, so her reference for being in love with someone is “eve”, and she doesn’t know how to recognize anything on such a different part of the spectrum (particularly because villanelle is probably physically attracted to like, many of her platonic adult friends,)!  SO elizabeth and villanelle’s relationship is very influential in the sense that it really pushes villanelle into exploring parts of herself and emotional experiences that she hasn’t really yet.

do i need to put cinder here? she wasn’t in villanelle’s life for very long, but technically she is the reason villanelle has maiden powers, which changed her life entirely, so,

and then i’ll also toss in jigsaw (and technically also handsome jack), who will be INCREDIBLY pleased to know that his trap had a lasting effect one way or the other. don’t get me wrong, she was pissed as hell about it and would go on the WARPATH if she ever caught so much as a whiff of their involvement, but i mean. aside from the fact that lasting trauma definitely counts as an influence, i think it is one of the events that definitely brought villanelle closer to and more attached to eve, if perhaps in a. somewhat codependent and overprotective way. still can’t believe they caught villanelle saying she would give up everything else in her life and die for her gf ON TAPE,

[gigageekmag]

Comic Book Review: Calico

CALICO ISSUE #1

Welcome back GiGa Community; as you all know, at fifteen years old, in 1992, I had an opportunity and pleasure of interning at Marvel Comics in Manhattan, New York; Spider-man office to be exact.  It was during that year that I had delved into the comic book industry, soaking it all in, down to my very fabric of my soul.  I loved all of the intellectual properties, their stories, and the craft; I knew I wanted Comics to be a part of my future life story.   I was a fan of some characters, and ambivalent to others, but never the less, just like family I loved them all (Some more than others of course); the environment moved my soul.  To this day, I still find being an artist to be one of my first loves, and comic books satisfied that yearning.  The culmination of efforts between a writer, penciler, inker, letterer, colorist, and editor was to me, an amalgamation of geniuses at work.  I love and respect the craft.

Sigma Comics

GiGa: GeekMagazine was contacted by Sigma Comics asking for an honest review of their newly released comic series, Calico.  I was unsure of who this new IP was that was entering the competitive arena, so I did superficial research, watched an interview, and a review; it seemed to be worth the read.   The first complimentary comic came and as busy as I am, I opened it and felt the cover art seemed acceptable for a comic book in 2021, but I didn’t have a peaceful undisturbed moment to read it, so I left it on my desk to be ready for the day I found a free opportunity to read it, then write a review.  My family and I left the house for a few hours, and when I returned I went straight to my office and hadn’t realized the comic was no longer on my desk.  A few seconds after I sat down, my daughter calls me, “Papi, look what Ivi did”!

Ivi Snow knew She really did it this time.

Ivi Snow is one of my two white German Shepherds, she is 1½ years old, so I am accustomed to finding “surprises” when we come back home; I thought it was poop again. A minute later my daughter comes to my office holding my complimentary issue of Calico in shreds.  Needless to say I was peeved and Ivi knew it. Then I remembered what the premise of the comic was.  “NYC HAS A NEW ANTI–HERO. Every day millions of animals are abused and killed. Animal rights groups and charities try to help, yet the savagery continues.”  Sigma Comics appears to be committed to fighting animal abuse. I laughed at the irony of this moment and took a picture of her with the destroyed comic, apparently, she enjoyed the comic.  I couldn’t read it, as a substantial part of the first few pages were now gone.  With that above picture attached to an email to Sigma comics, I humbly apologized and requested another review copy, I was willing to pay for it at this point, but the great people at Sigma found humor in the event as well and sent me another. When the next copy arrived I kept it in my safe this time, and that night when I was done with work, I read it before I went to bed.  I opened the cover and this time, I was able to really absorb the content.   I applauded the first impression, it was transparent in showing their allegiance to the cause, “American Humane”, as a parent to two German Shepherds, I was sold. 

The first page was gripping, showing an example of the atrocities committed upon animals and the visualization was almost too tough to bear, but I was roped in, I had to read on.  We get our first glimpse into the soul of our Anti-Hero on page two, with tears running from angry eyes, the penciler, inker, and colorist nailed the conviction this character was driven by, and we’re then introduced to Calico “A one-man arsenal of destruction in constant pursuit of justice for the smallest and weakest among us…” 

In his apartment he works his frustration on a double end bag, his thoughts speak poignant commentary as to the nature of life being nothing but conflict in every facet of existence and we see where his psychological state dwells; he’s scared and/or resentful of life and bitterly expresses this in his own twisted way.  The Boxing Gym advertisement on page 5 could easily be dismissed as fictitious until a little research clarified that it is indeed a real business; as an ex-fighter boxer, martial artist, and ex-body guard myself, I respected that blurring between fantasy and reality as it was perfectly in line with the tale that I was uploading to my brain.

The writer then takes the reader on a journey through the life of Calico, recalling childhood memories of being bullied.  This alludes to post traumatic damage; he hates bullies and had long since made the decision to suffer them no longer.  We next accompany the protagonist from his apartment to a local boxing gym where he trains and prepares for an upcoming tournament, and while there, he loses himself in the art of combat.  His thoughts become louder than spoken words; he’s a fighter with unfortunate luck, struggling skill, and lots of animosity.  Here is where the reader learns this character has no reservation about the thought of condemning the abuser to death and that animals were his only friends since his youth.

Page 8 we’re given a full frontal nude of the hero in the shower after leaving the gym, even in the shower he’s consumed by antipathy as conveyed by more flashbacks of the same bully from his youth; he’s never recovered from those years.  This memory was different, ironically, it was in this recollection where he was impressed by an alley-cat that scared off the bully and his dog, which serves as a perfect transition into revealing his super-hero outfit emblazoned with a black cat’s profile in front of what appears to be a moon.  He also has a flying robotic AI assistant named Bumble that is a metallic sphere with one camera eye. Then, we’re back to his childhood memories, this time he evokes the very first time he inflicted pain by punching that bully in the face before fleeing the scene.  Page 13 is where things escalate quickly, so I won’t spoil it for interested readers.

So here’s my honest review and rating:

Comic book Production:   I feel the writing could have been more impacting and/or expansive; a name would have been nice to have, but it served its purpose; The art is what communicated the story the most.  Lettering was great, the penciling and inking were acceptable as well, but gets a little hard to understand what’s happening during the murder scene.   

The Character: His real name is never revealed, but from how Calico was insultingly called a “Dominican York” translated from Spanish, he is likely Latino. I think the character is less anti-hero and more of a deranged, sociopathic, villain with post-traumatic stress. He’s fed a list of targets by an unknown accomplice, he intends to kill, (and/or violate) which to me is the modus operandi of a serial killer. I couldn’t see the word “Hero” being applicable to this guy in anyway.

The full frontal nude, to me, was unnecessary, but being a student at the Art Institute of Atlanta I’ve drawn male nudes before, so I respect the art, 100%.  That scene only became awkward after the second penis comment. Which helped me to get a better understanding  of the mind of the protagonist as portrayed and communicated by the writer. I think the outfit really is too similar to Black Panther.

As per the multiple male phallus related comments and insults, along with, what I found to be excessive homo-erotic language, it seemed in my humble opinion, as if there’s other unresolved issues besides being bullied that Calico has never addressed.   In one scene, I had to look at one scene under better light to understand that Calico actually violates or rapes his victim with a red hot pipe, all while making references to size; he says to his victim, “Relax! It’s only one-inch thick pipe. In penis size its only four-inch girth. You got this”.  the last unnecessary thing I read that really nailed the coffin shut for me was the statement, “F*** em. Hard. in the @ss. With no vaseline”.

Concept: I personally, don’t think the character could have longevity, and if so possibly as a novelty act; appropriate for an 8-Issue Series. He possibly may develop a fan base, but with a very niche market.  He is not a “Deadpool” type of anti-hero, I’d say this brooding character is damaged psychologically which easily could bleed over into villainy. I couldn’t see the Dark Knight tolerating this character, or working with him in any way, and would probably bring him to justice.  In comparison to other anti-heroes, such as Hulk, Ghost Rider, Blade, or the Punisher, I’d say even Frank Castle wouldn’t see his motivations, means, or ends as acceptable.  I see a more deviant sociopathic “Joker” kind of weirdness from Calico minus the smiles and laughing.

Conclusion:  It’s a comic book, it fits the criteria. I wasn’t left feeling like I want to read more, but I am only one man, with one opinion worth 2 cents.  I endeavor to say it could have been written for a broader appeal to a wider audience; for me, I feel the niche-aspect will leave some put off or uninterested.  But somehow, I’m sure this will pull the targeted audience it was meant for.  In the end, Sigma successfully this debut is a great accomplishment for the creators and production team and for that I salute and respect their creative vision, hard work, and love for the craft.  I’d give it 3 out 5 Stars ★★★☆☆ ~Jack~

Image Sources: > https://sigmacomics.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/sigma-comics-large.jpg > https://prnewswire2-a.akamaihd.net/p/1893751/sp/189375100/thumbnail/entry_id/1_gapzb7c1/def_height/800/def_width/520/version/100011/type/1

Comic Book Review: Calico was originally published on GIGA: GeekMagazine

[tossertozier]

okay here is just my meta about what the losers look like as late teenagers specifically within the &tfat universe here we goes 

my height headcanons really don’t change throughout the universes. to an extent, neither do the faces really. only really richie changes drastically depending on the fic. so here are my headcanon loser HEIGHTS:

eddie : 5′ 6″ beverly : 5′ 7″ mike: 5′ 9″* stan: 5′ 9″ ben: 5′ 10″ & 1/2 bill: Actually 6′ but slouches like Nobody’s Business richard: 6′ 2″

*it’s mentioned in the book that mike is like 5′ 7″...jarringly short for what, i believe it’s in bill’s pov, was expecting. he’s thin and super tired and he says “i know how i look” i still think he’s a relatively short man as an adult, but i’m gonna take a leap and say that i think the prolonged stress hindered his growth in the canon timeline. 

okay so SunshineBoyTM Mike Hanlon i normally picture actual SunshineBoyTM John Boyega. he is too old by a few years- six or so, so i keep that in mind but...so Cute (This is really just about my crush on john) and i Love Them. i imagine mike to have the most physical muscle mass, as he is the only one of the group who does physical labor. followed by bill, because he sort of does some too. fun fact, john is also 5′ 9″

eddie i Know i’ve mentioned on this blog before but noah galvin. he smol and neat...and i love him. there are some differences. I imagine eddie as pretty damn thin, especially facially as an adult (which is a WorryTM for some of his friends) and eddie i imagine literally having the nose of a pixie...but the big eyes and haircut and happy smile is very eddie to me

for stan, i picture devin druid. this is the closest one to my exact mental image. in fact, it might just be my exact mental image. he’s the exact correct age, 19, and he literally looks...just like him, man. 

bennyBOI i love him i use emory cohen from netflix’s the OA. he’s thiccer, and has the square face that i imagine ben having. he might be a little lighter than i picture ben - emory’s weight seems to have fluctuated over the past few years. i  don’t really like the whole ben loses a ton of weight thing, i think he can be soft and still wonderful and ready to be loved. i really really fuck with adult!ben being james cordon, and i like this guy as a middle of the road mental image. his character on the oa is also just...gentle and soft, and shares a lot of mannerisms.

i would say i am Least confident in my choice for bill. i think it also has a lot to do with the character he plays on 13 reasons why. (which i really didnt enjoy but thats another post) but the character himself is both incredibly soft spoken and very bold, and it reminds me a lot of how i see bill denbrough. i imagine bill having neat, short hair, a sharp jaw line, and blue eyes, which this guy fits the bill on all three, but there’s still something off. i really don’t even know how describe it. 

okay, and we get down to richard... who i really only describe as a Muppet who is Trying His Best. i don’t always fuck with gangly!richie but i do in this fic, i think he’s very thin. honestly...i am always tempted to retreat back into the safe embrace of ben barnes - who is WAY too fucking old now, and too fucking old in the movie pictured, as well, he’s about 25 in the photos, but it is as close an image as i can get. i imagine rich with wavy hair, not curly, the length pictured below. and a big ol’ pair of glasses. again, not a huge fan of the contacts thing. i think i specifically mention richie in &tfat isn’t a big fan of them either, and only wears them at the faire. 

and you might have noticed bev has gone absent from this and that’s because the person i really picture as bev is a real life friend of mine whose picture im not gonna post all over the internet. i really cannot think of a famous woman who possesses the long red-haired yet insanely androgynous energy i really picture for bev. she does have very long hair in the fic, mentioned a few times, because of the princess thing. i don’t know if that will last. anyway, fortunately, bev is not an insecure character at this point in time in her life, and so, she doesn’t fuss with her appearance a lot. she hardly notices, and if we’re in her pov, how she looks is very rarely on her mind. and because of the rest of the losers are...well, boys, we don’t hear a lot about what she’s wearing.  

my descriptions of characters really comes from who’s point of view we’re in. you’ll hear about what richie looks like in eddie’s pov, and vice versa. the only time you’ll get a good description of bev is in ben, mayyyybe bill’s pov, but probably really only ben. 

for the most part, all of them, especially stan, have looked the same to each other for literally years, so there’s no reason for them to comment on it in their Internal Monologue, lol. what they wear isn’t particularly interesting, and it’s mentioned off-hand if at all, bill in plaid/baseball shirts, mike in tshirts and sweatshirts, ben has an affinity for knit sweaters out of work, stan in button ups, work or not, eddie the same, but with funn-er colors, bev’s style fluctuates all the time but they’re guys who don’t really notice, and richie’s outfits, if they’re interesting, i’ll normally jot down a short description. 

bev, for the record, wears a lot of baby-doll dresses and tights/leggings, mom jeans and highwaisted shorts, and cropped hoodies/sweatshirts. 

i don’t do a lot of character description because honestly it’s not how i organically consider my friends in my personal life & i think it makes stories feel more real. i’m not like “my best friend lou just walked in, wearing a green t-shirt with a gray henley under it” i’m more like “lou walked in and thank fucking god because the gossip i have to tell him is Killing me.” and also, like i said... it lets people imagine what they want to .

but tHanks anon for asking i had a lot of fun writing this long-ass post, and i hoped you enjoyed reading a little bit of it! 

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 2 | “GET ME OUT OF HERE ” - Devon

okay so i filmed a video confessional earlier which is uploading where i basically talked about dealing with being a winner/the tomb and having an idol/potentially wanting to go to tribal pre-swap/deliberately choosing the puzzle/how much i love jake so that'll come at some point after this but just KNOW that came first. anyway just wanted to talk MORE because i have more thoughts. last round i was really conscious of needing to micro-manage my threat level and i think im putting in work to do that? im very concious that i cant play the same game as montenegro because im coming into it from a very different perspective/position. However, one thing I can do this season is transfer my prejury game, because i think it still works. What I need to do is to some extent take a backseat, where I'm not actively messaging people first, and keeping game talk kinda limited (but acknowledging it when people talk to me). Like I have the safety cushion of my idol, and my connection to jake/jordan, and to some extent dan and lovelis? like im not gonna be a target (touch wood) and hopefully if i am my men tm going to keep an eye out for me.... hopefully? it also means im not gonna be pushy about votes im gonna hear names and run with it (as long as its not jake/jordan, or lovelis tbh i get real good vibes from him). but yeah id really love the beauty tribe to go to tribal this round ive literally never spoken to a single one of them so i'd love one of that tribe that is a complete unknown quantity to go home DJDKLFSF. but yis so im feeling good taking a backseat but im gonna ejector seat myself forwards at some point, just got to figure out when to push the button

Okay so Bodhi left last night and that was really sad. We had nice conversations but i told him that if the rest of the tribe wanted him out i wasn't going to campaign for him. He ended up making his rounds but at the end of the day, no one felt strongly about keeping him. He speaks so well that it took me a night's rest to get my head straight. Also Trace got an alliance together of himself, myself, Scott and Isaac. Bitch i was SHOOK! I am so glad to be likable enough to be brought into someone else's core. So this kind of perfectly positioned myself and Scott between 2 alliances. I believe we're both more loyal to the one we formed before we found out we were going to tribal, but who knows. I did tell Autumn of the news because i figure if we were to lose again. Whichever of Isaac of Trace remains is going to feel on bottom and blow up that Scott and I were two-timing the DADS. Btw that is the dumbest alliance name I have ever been a part of but whatever. The rat pack has also formed and now him and I are in a good spot. I will say that i am nervous that MISS ALYSSA spoke the comparison into existence, but i really hope we don't continue to flop like Luzon did on Cagayan. But hey! If Denise can go to every tribal council in one season and win, maybe i can too. (PS i pissed myself with my score in winterbells but also F*CK WINTERBELLS, thats all, ty) 

Honestly I’m really regretting not participating in this challenge because I feel like our scores are.......not great. I feel like I could have turned out the puzzle and even winterbells. The flag Lovelis made is super cute and i think will fair well bc it’s very clean and neat. It’s not super creative, but it’s definitely well made. I think even if we went to tribal I would be okay though. Liam seems like an easy enough boot for us. No one seems that dazzled by his contributions to the tribe. 

i literally am the biggest clown who ever clowned for continuing to overdo it in challenges, if i'm allowed to make it to merge at this point it will literally be a miracle.

So Bodhi left on a unanimous vote yesterday and I'm glad that it worked out as planned! I definitely felt bad lying to him about it all and stuff, but I think it was the best for the tribe going forward. What does suck however is that we lost AGAIN! And it was actually close this time! I'm actually annoyed that we lost this time because I submitted my challenge at 4PM and the reason why we lost was because the last submission was at 8 :/ like... y'all couldn't get it in any earlier? Plus I'm annoyed because I find myself in the swing position between the DADS and The Rat Pack. Personally I don't trust Trace after finding out he tried to play the Rat Pack off as my idea when it was really his all along. To me, it shows that he'd betray me later on down the line. And the only purpose for "The Rat Pack" is so they feel like they're in the majority. So since we lost, I don't mind voting out Trace. Duncan and I called to confirm that we're on the same page. We also found out that Devon is telling us the same things about loyalty and allegiances and I don't like that. He also told Duncan that he would throw immunities and play idols for him if he needed it, and that Duncan was his number 1 ally. But he said the same exact thing to me. So... that has me a little sketch. But I also think that Autumn/Duncan are a close pair, so I may need to stick close to Devon for the long hall. But if Autumn/Duncan think I'm more with them than Devon, I'll take it. I'm supposed to go on call with the Dads soon. Duncan wants to tell them about the rat alliance so that Isaac doesn't use it as motive to get us out. Which i agree that it'd be a good idea as long as devon/autumn stick with us. Duncan and I both feel like Devon might be thrown off since he always likes to be in control, but not actually being in charge. So we'll need to do damage control when that happens. But for now it seems like Trace is going unless things change. If things go how I would want it to, then Trace leaves tomorrow. 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1JKqH3EQMlugIe-lwHMYMG2qoVZ7dvIzr/view?usp=sharing

Omg!!!!! Another win that makes me so happy . The tribe is all getting along great and I couldnt all for better ppl. I'm hoping soon to get some kind of solid group together. Kendell adam and amiry are ppl I def wanna work with long term at the time. Just gotta see what happens. 

Not much has been happening lately so I might be able to keep this short and not ramble on and on like i usually do (ill still end up writing a novel probably) yippy yay it's day 5 and everything is still all smiles and giggles over here because we've won yet another immunity!! kinda boring tbh but obviously im happy we won immunity because now that buys me one more day and at the end of it that's all i care about. I kinda did want the brauns to go to tribal however instead of the brains because i just really would like my beauties to get a nice foot hold and a lead in the game, i actually enjoy taking to some of these people, and im trying my best to talk to as many people as i can, which anyone who knows me knows isn't the easiest thing for me, i was reading some of my old confessionals from both my past games and the one thing i consistently got dragged for was not being as present with people, which granted i did improve a lot on last time around for sure, but i still got work to do and im realizing that more each day when i have no urge whatsoever to talk to anyone (don't worry, it's not you, it's (crippling depression) me! I understand socializing is part of the game and i do think my social game is my strongest asset but to me i like to think of my social game as a more distinct kind, im more elusive and i like to be that, if you leave them wanting more dahling they'll keep you around, i dont like to show all my cards, and that's a quality that i reflect in both survivor and life, and it has advantages and disadvantages in both but ANYWHO despite all that dare i say i think im still doing *decent* ? I'm making it a priority to reach out at least once a day to *most people (AJ, Augusto, Amir, Austin) are the ones ive probably had some of the best conversations with where it was the most natural and just flowed you know, and still is on day 5, and with kendall ive had some talks with her i do like her but idk i get this vibe she's kinda holding back when talking to me, and ESPECIALLY same with connor? we only had one private conversation and he gave me about a 3 word response, and if you havent guessed by now i like elaboration or at least a lil bit of personality when you talk, no shade just an observation, so that's a small red flag im very much a person who matches energy, one of my go to's in survivor is being open to the possibility of anything, ill always work with anyone who will work with me, and i think thats how everyone should play so hopefully the people ive been talking a lot to feel similar but i guess we'll have to wait until a vote of some sort to see about all that.. I still havent heard any idol talk or even game talk quite frankly so im guessing people are just still keeping the friendly facade up..... or ...... is it me?? am i the one on the outs looking like boo boo the fool or is that just my paranoia getting to me??? im not gonna send myself into a tizzy about getting voted out when we're not even going to tribal i- lemme calm down. If i had to guess I'd say Kendall, Connor, or Amir have the idol probably but sounds like a mystery for another day because im DONE im clocking out for the night until other people wanna wake up and play the game too oop final note: ok but it would be sick and twisted if it turns out they are all playing the game just without me and im the first boot of the tribe 

Waking up on this glorious Day 5 with a new perspective. I originally applied to be on the brains tribe and was shook when I got brawn because let’s face it, my arms are akin to overcooked spaghetti noodles. BUT my tribe is so much stronger than the brains. I’m hoping for a big name to go to shake things up. AND I’m not really looking to swap onto a tribe with Trace or Autumn due to our past game history. Love them both dearly, but it’s gonna be a no from me. 

okie so! update from me is i think im doing okay. like i think the benefit of no dua lipa cave is you can just build connections with everyone, you aren't voting someone out every round so why not capitalise on that? i'm so afraid of the fact that i'm overdoing it in challenges like i really need to calm. down. but im reassuring myself with the fact that in the first challenge i only was top because i did like... one more thing than others like its not thattt big of a deal? my puzzle time was clownery but hopefully people don't pay attention to it? im getting very anxious about overdoing it in challenges, but my thought process now is like. i need to act like people have an awareness of it, without getting kinda consumed by my anxiety about it? idk im hoping since most of these people don't know me, they wont notice me doing good in the challenge but truly who can be sure also am really just liking my tribe? like jake is ofc a king, i love jordan (who im gonna talk to later, he is the only one i feel like i have to talk to today), i also really like TJ who i was super harsh on at the start for no reason, i get good ally vibes from lovelis, liam m is super sweet even tho he is kinda inactive and dan is so fun (plus he told jake that he speaks to me one of the most so we love that!!). i've been trying to figure out what i even do about a lot of the super old school players that i have no connection/point of reference with? like people like scott, adam, kendall, aj i have truly no basis with? thats whats so scary about a swap, is at this point in the game i know 10/20 people left aka the brawn tribe + duncan/isaac/autumn, and like 10/20 isnt bad... BUT then the other 10 aka the beauty tribe + trace/scott/devon i have literally no connection to which is super scary JAKSDFA. im just real afraid of a swap. just swap me with jordan/jake/autumn/isaac PLEATHE. im just a pile of anxiety this season idk what to do im like frozen because of how scared i am... maybe it'll be all fine

Well, that was a close one. I struggled with that comp all day and I feel like absolute shit that I only got our team that 1 point. To me, it's inexcusable not to have be able to help my tribe as I wanted to contribute and make sure I made my worth known. So now I'm just this paranoid mess that I would have been in trouble had we gone to tribal. It's been hard to talk to some of these people or for most of those who I do talk to, I just don't really know where there head is at. I'm not sure if this is just a really guarded tribe, or if I really should be concerned. So I don't know what to do just yet. And that's not a feeling I like when playing TS.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty sad that Bodhi left the game like he was so active pre-season so I was expecting him to do his best to go super far and maybe he did? I don’t know, but I did want a chance to actually get to play with him in TS but we keep passing each other by! I hope he is doing good despite how he might feel being the first boot yknow but yeah <3 

The way I absolutely flopped with the idol system stuff is all types of funny and sad at the same time like I REALLY thought I did something only for it to be part of the challenge… That being said, Amir did tell me that he has a theory the idol system might be based on numbers which is interesting! I am super thankful he decided to tell me and we went on this long talk about how we are each other’s #1s which is super cute! I really do trust Amir and I do want to go far with him because he’s awesome but that being said, my #1 is me like I promised myself that I’d be selfish this time around just because being the selfless person I am hasn’t gotten me a win but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. We did go over a lot of stuff in terms of tribe dynamics and we both kinda agreed that AJ would be the first boot from the time if we went to tribal, we like our alliance with Kendall/Connor, we both like Adam and we both think Austin is sweet/genuine even if we don’t talk to him tons so yay for that too <3

I am SO trying to sell the fact that me and Kendall are a duo to Kendall which is funny to me idk hjfkds like she did approach me super early on about aligning but I do have the tiniest feeling she did that to mostly everyone but I’m trying to pin us with each other to her so she trusts me more, especially since I do feel as though she is the best connected on the tribe. I even called us Crystal Cox (me bc blazing speed and challenge flop ofc) and Ken(dell) ghfjdksl, I’m doing the most but yeah, I just want Kendall to see me as her #1 in the game on the off chance anything happens yknow?

Austin thinks I’m his #1 which is really sweet? I do like Austin even if it is hard to talk to him sometimes but hey, that happens. He told me that he’s really glad I’m on this tribe (which I have heard from basically everyone especially Adam and Amir which makes me feel cute omg) and that we might need to get a group going soon. I was like…. Tea but I also don’t know how quickly I want to get an alliance including Austin going just because it’s like… do I reveal that Austin and I are close-ish and be seen as a social threat? That just ain’t cute sis! But yeah, Austin told me he also really likes Kendall and Amir and that’s awesome that the two people I feel the closest to are ALSO doing THAT but at the same time, I want to be the one doing THAT the most because I’m greedy (by Ariana Grande) so it’s something to keep in mind! 

The way I absolutely flopped at that puzzle… this is why I’m a Beauty cause a sis ain’t smart to complete a puzzle and I’m not brawn-y enough to do well in a challenge hgjfdk BUT that being said, Hagthor beat the thots and apiss and I couldn’t be any happier! I do wish Brawn lost over Brain but yknow, you can’t have everything go your way (‘: it’s funny how I slayed the last challenge and flopped this one tho like a bitch really lacks consistency huh ghfjndmks

Ugh fineeeee since I've been called out... by myself. I guess I'll do the bare minimum. So we won immunity!!!! Wooo!!!!!! Low-key though through out the entire process of making the flag, I just kept thinking darn I wish we voted out someone last tribal because drawing 7 people is annoying... watch me get voted out next tribal council lol. That would be quality foreshadowing. Today I have two goals. 1. Figure out what the method of entering the tomb. I intend on getting in contact with Augusto or Connor for that one. Augusto because he is low-key my number one. Connor because I feel if anyone can solve it he probably could. 2. Set up group chat with me, Augusto, and Austin. So Austin can feel a false sense of reassurance and Augusto and I have options. Write more later maybe.

Honestly im feeling kind of trepidatious going forward which is a little wierd, i just dont feel like ive gotten my footing yet in this game. I think like, im in a good spot to be fine on this tribe because of my social game and how I contribute in challenges, but I dont know if I feel good about anything longterm just yet. What really is bothering me is the tomb. Its gonna be round 3 tonight and I haven't made any more progress on getting in than I have night one. I feel like I have a lot of pieces to this puzzle but nothing is fitting together and its bothering me. I'm also a little upset that if we lose, I could see Liam being the target and I can't see my self risking my position to save him if he cant save himself. He has my name on his wiki page its an obvious association to me, and while I think hed be loyal to me, I'm just wondering honestly if him as an ally is worth the target it may bring. Im cautiously moving through the beginning of this game with a lot of unnease and hopefully I find some steady ground soon.

I am annoyed that we are yet again at tribal. I played so fucking hard at winter bells but of course someone on another tribe got like 238593277 billion which threw us back into tribal... So annoying truthfully. But it's alright, I should be able to make it out alive. I want Devon to go home. But I also don't want to let my guard down. This vote is important for a few reasons. The first reason is that our tribe is very close, so I am nervous that lines are going to be drawn in the sand. The second is that, after this vote, we will be down to five, making 3 the majority. We have an alliance of 4, and lord knows that when you are down to 5, whoever feels like 3 and 4 of the alliance are most likely going to try and rope in the 5th person to get rid of each other. So my plan is to make Isaac and Scott BOTH feel as though they are my number 1s so that they actually stick to our alliance of 4 thinking that I will be keeping them both if we lose again. This is the only way that i can see it working, but idk. I feel bad if Devon ends up going because he's a nice guy, but we have to make choices about strengthening our team, and then I have to make a choice about strengthening my place in the game. Hopefully this doesn't come to bite me in the ass.

Things have been going pretty well for my tribe! We won the first immunity challenge and that really seemed to boost tribe morale. Granted, these past couple of days I've been quiet since I'm trying to boost grades that are literally 0s into something manageable before I graduate hehe. I've tried to keep up with people through small conversations, which seems to work better for me at the moment until I get myself together. Adam wants to create an alliance with Augusto and Amir, which I'm totally for. I understand, though, that he doesn't wanna do it immediately since there's really no urgency to? We didn't go to tribal, so why did it matter! That excuse aside, I do hope that us holding our breath to say something doesn't bite us in the ass because these are people I want to work with! I wanna get something going with Kendall as well hopefully, since I adore her! Earlier, I stated that Adam and I (Adam, really) found our way into the tomb and both flopped in the questions. Adam took another stab at it and found out we've been bamboozled! Someone beat us to the punch and has whatever contents were inside the tomb. I'm assuming it was an idol, but who knows what else is in there! It kinda made me lose motivation to keep searching inside but when in Rome? I'll probably end up trying again despite knowing the end result just because I wanna prove I can be a smart cookie as well. I also didn't gloss over this but I'll mention it really quickly, but I'm sad Bodhi went! He was one of the few people I was familiar with on the other tribes so it's unfortunate we aren't going to be able to connect with each other this game. A king has fallen. In lighter and more recents events, my tribe crushed the second immunity challenge. Kendall stunned with her artistry and I'm still gushing over how cute everyone's character was. I kinda like decimated Winterbells, but I've always been good at the game, and Amir did really well in the scavenger hunt. Augusto and Austin did really well in the puzzle also, despite their lack of confidence in offering a strong performance. We appear to be THEE tribe to beat honestly and I'm loving that. I love our tribe! I LOVE OUR TRIBE! It really would be a tragedy if we aren't able to keep up this win streak we're manifesting. 

Sorry for not writing this sooner! Been having a bad depressive episode for the last couple days and it makes me unmotivated to write c': I feel like a flop so far in this game, not because I submit shit scores, but because I find it exhausting to connect with some of these people. They're all very nice in their own special ways, but interacting w some is like pulling teeth, and I guarantee they feel the same about me, which I would expect. That being said, I hope we keep winning, cause I don't have the energy to go to tribal right now.

Heading into a second tribal council, there is becoming less and less room to hide. I am struggling to hold my own against the other tribes when it comes to competitions, but thank goodness it's a numbers game. If everything goes accordingly, I am taking a backseat this vote and allowing a 4-2 vote out when it comes to Trace. I appreciated Duncan coming to me with the alliance chat information with him/Scott/Trace/Isaac, but didn't like how Autumn needed to tell me first. Shows that I really can't trust Scott/Duncan after a swap comes up. In regards to Scott, he outright didn't say anything. I like him and all, but it was a slimy move to say the least. He only said something because he HAD to vote out someone in one of his two alliances. This group will be dumb as hell if they let me swap. I'll flip on them as soon as possible and invite anyone into my alliance. The tribe swap is where I made my 'Slithers' game infamous last time, so I'm hoping for a similar output. Don't forget: I swapped with the minority last time in Guyana (shout out to Jess), so I'm not worried about the numbers and how its split. ALL I NEED IS A SWAP OR TWIST. GET ME OUT OF HERE. 

Thank God we won that based on the tiebreaker, but yikes I didn't think my flag would've tanked so hard. Guess I've gotta get better at perfecting my craft huh, but at least we're safe. I feel nervous on this tribe to be honest, because I think I'm the second to bottom on the totem pole after the other Liam, so it isn't reassuring that if we lose twice I'll either be gone, or I could even be gone at our first tribal if he's got a solid alliance going...the only alliance I have right now is with Jordan and I don't really know where I sit with everyone else, but I'm afraid of overplaying... ugh so annoying! I think I just need to force a couple of game related conversations with people to build up some trust, just hope it wouldn't paint a target on my back for trying I guess...

oh gorl, some of these people on my tribe really think im just the clown of the tribe and cant put two and two together, well guess what, IM NOT. So Amir messages me, which nothing out of the ordinary there, ive been talking to him every day so far for the most part like i said we're a little familiar with each other from our pasts, but i was VERY surprised today at what had happened... what had happened was....he starts talking the smallest bit of game with me, basically he just said, "is it me or is everyone really quiet here?" and so i just agreed with him and i said yeah i dont think people are talking game yet which is a little weird, and then i threw the TINEST tea crumpet out there and i said "yeah ive talked to some people so easily like you, but then there's others who.....i cant say the same for" and i was absolutely hinting at connor/kendall just because i havent had the longest convos with them, which no biggie, but THEN about 20 minutes later i get a message from CONNOR of all people saying "hey adam!" ..... obviously im glad to talk to him and im all for getting to know everyone, but my instincts immediately went off and told me it's a little sus....how not even a few minutes ago i was saying how some people never talk to me and then out of no where the one person i was mainly talking about messages me?? Coincidences don't exist in survivor. Now I really have no choice but to think that amir in someway mentioned to connor that i said theres some people i havent talked to at all and that he probably needed to work on that.. which is true, but cmon. i know the tribe brain cell is missing but at least put a little thought into this and message me later tonight or not right after i say it?? I'm not sure if they have any type of past connection and while I definitely do wanna keep building my relationship with Amir, this will definitely make me question him a little bit at least until i see how some votes fall when we eventually go to tribal. Amir also told me he's had the most convos with Augusto, which is funny because thats exactly how both me and aj feel about augusto, which tells me augusto is really playing the game rn, and while thats someone i want to work with, it's also someone i need to be extremely careful with if we're still playing together down the road. plot twist: connor messaging me has absolutely nothing to do with amir and i just made this whole conspiracy for nothing but idk.... it's a conspiracy IM interested in.

***last add on because i forgot to say how the hell im gonna HANDLE this amir/connor situation... im keeping my eyes on it incase theyre in kahoots and also if they think im that dumb then clearly they havent watched me play before, which is great for me but bad for them, you cant trick a trickster try all you want, There's nothing I love more than being underestimated in survivor because it kinda makes it a little easier to play and gives me more options, so sure ill keep up my fake smiles and act like we're all fine and dandy, ill play dumb and wont even act like im onto them but i absolutely am and ill be ready to make my move the second it seems right 

Ugh I feel so DIRTY. I feel so GROSS. Poor Devon, truly. I spoke with Autumn and told her about Devon, and she was in without a fight and told me that it should be 5-1. And then Devon came to me and was like... we all good for the vote tonight? And I'm like ................yes? Lol. I'm good, you're probably not. ugh, this is the part of this game that I hate. I want to never lose immunity ever again, let someone else break someone else's heart!

Something about Kendall is so chaotic and terrifying and I can’t put a finger on why.her aligning was her talking to me for the first time in a day saying “let’s align” and created an alliance chat without even asking who else should be in it which leads me to believe her Augusto and Connor already have a trio and I was the 4th. Are all these focking people playing me?? Like i still cant tell if this is a real alliance but i want to believe it is and not a bluff to vote me out. But also like why even do that, the only person on this cast that I trust and have played with, bodhi, has just been voted out. I’m a free agent and I can help that alliance make it far in the game, but they also have lots of relationships on other tribes so like I might not even be that valuable to them. I mentioned to Augusto about the numbers on the blog, hoping to create more trust because I really really love him and want to trust him but I’m still just so damn unsure. if we lose this immunity and I get one bad signal from any of those 3, if they slip up even once, I won’t hesitate to align and gather the minority. But if they are playing me properly, then kudos to them! 

I am just happy i have the idol i am going to put it in my ass. 

me when the brains tribe only has 5 members left http://prntscr.com/s8y76g

You know what? https://66.media.tumblr.com/b7b4accba586ad321141b6ba80d69044/tumblr_omule3fwZC1w1swfno1_250.gifv I'm mad but I'm not tight because that same alliance that Duncan and I orchestrated is the same alliance that will get us through. So do I enjoy going to tribal? No. And do I enjoy knowing that Trace created an alliance w/ everyone except me and Devon? No. But the Dads will prevail and I trust Scott and the gang. I mean Ducnan is family so as long as we don't go it's fine. But Devon is my baby so absolutely gotta kill for him. That's what keep em close hahaha But no the Trace vote is a dream come true that I only crossed my mind once and STILL got manifested. Like Duncan suggested it and I said you got it because Trace will be the FIRST to rally all the white boys against me in a swap. Cute or not, Trace will kill me I'm convinced. Like something in my spirit told me not to trust Trace and low and behold: Duncan reveals that alliance to me on Day 3. So confirmed, Trace is leaving so that I don't fall to the bottom of the tribe. But it's all good- Isaac listens to Fleetwood Mac and watches Schitt's Creek so he's a good guy. And Scott is literally a cinammon roll who's too busy to snitch or flip. I don't have time to discuss how much I love Duncan or Devon so we're tabling that. Anyway If y'all need me I'll be doing this 4 part immunity challenge that determines whether I make Final 3 in the other org I'm in so try not to need me lmao

okay so... we aren't going to tribal but its still kinda messy on brawn beach. i kinda have felt this energy for a while, but i don't think jake and jordan have enough trust between the two of them for us to be a continual three person alliance. jake is a very reactive, gut-impulse kind of player which is honestly to his benefit since he is super perceptive. however that also means he is quick to be anxious about stuff in the game, which is the same as me and that is why we click. BUT. he thinks something is up with dan/jordan and honestly i see that and feel it. jordan keeps hinting at dan being the one to loop in and i think that does say something about them having some sort of game dynamic. however, jordan is maybe downplaying that relationship which is scary KLAF tbh i still like jordan and wanna work with him, but i do 100% have to keep tabs on him, his social connections could definitely become a problem if he has other priorities over me! so i think i just have to make sure im a continuing priority for him, so i have to find some sort of information to bring to him (maybe when dan proposes the alliance of me/jordan/jake/dan to me ill run to jordan and be like hey did dan suggest this to you how do you feel) to solidify that sort of trust? idk... i want my j-men to stick together and they ARENT. maybe i need to solidify stuff with TJ specifically more, he gives good ally vibes? but ya... its a mess tm

[mioreos]

Shidge or kidge gambling au?

I was watching kakegurui and was “coincidentally” thinking about shidge and kidge during the whole time, so I wanted to contribute a new au to the shidge and kidge community. Warning I never intended for this to get this long, so I apologize for all of you that don’t like reading long stuff. Anyway please enjoy! Got to add another disclaimer, I wrote most of this around the hours of 1 to 2 am, so your probably gonna see a bunch of errors, Sorry in advance! In this au, it’s set in a similar setting to Kakegurui (a school based society system based off gambling). Shiro in this au is 18 while Pidge is 15. The school they both attend has a “chain” of schools. They are both in highschool but what I mean “chain” is that there is elementary and junior high that have the exact same system as the highschool is operating. Only thing that is different, is that money is not betted at the elementary school or junior high but something that appeals to the maturity of the age range in the school. Anyway in this au Shiro’s family is quite wealthy at the very beginning,(were talking about when he was a child here) because they are able to send him to the same exact chain of schools mentioned above that have a good 50,000 per month tuition fee.(which doesn’t even include a uniform fee, which I’ll let you decide how much that is…) Anyway from that young age, Shiro is consider a prodigy gambler being able to find himself out of very sticky situations and being able to compete with people who have trained for years to get to the level Shiro plays at the age of 5. This then allows him to earn the title “champion” from a young age. Several years pass and many things happen to Shiro. One of those things is finding out about the birth of his little brother Keith (who was born 3 years ago, when he was 5 but shiro was not informed because Keith is shunned from the family for only being Shiro’s father’s child and not the result of Shiro’s Father and Mother.) The second thing that happens is that Shiro’s family start to slowly loose wealth, which by the time Shiro and Keith are both in highschool, they are both accepted as “special category” students. With the tuition I mentioned earlier for both Keith and shiro to go to the same school, their family has to pay a good 100,000 each month for them to keep attending. But since their family wealth is not as grand as it use to be, by the time Shiro starts highschool since their family has helped build the school to the foundation it is today, they both get accepted into the school for a lower tuition fee. Shiro and Keith are lucky as they get the lowest tuition fee in the entire’s school history, (excludes scholarship students) paying only 5,000 a month. Aside from all of that the last and final thing that happens is that Shiro’s mother becomes very very ill. Because of this it makes Shiro have to mature at a very early age, so he can prepare to become the next family head. During the time Shiro’s mother becomes ill, him and his father get into a car accident which leaves Shiro with a dead father and Shiro with only one real hand. Eventually, by the time Shiro enters his first year in highschool and Keith in his second year in junior high, his mother is on death’s clutches and is only surviving on life support. Which takes a heavy toll on him, which causes to cloud his judgement during sticky situations while gambling and let losing a common thing for him. For Keith even though Shiro’s mother isn’t his mom, Shiro’s mom cares for him like he is her own child and goes as far as arguing back at other family members for criticizing Keith for his entire being. So hearing that his mom is in death clutches make it harder for him to gamble correctly. Now going back to Shiro’s late elementary years, he meets his first real best friend; Matt Holt. He’s had friends in the past but they used shiro to carve fear or just plain out use him for the things he won from previous gambling matches. Matt and Shiro first meet during a private gambling match. But Matt manages to win against Shiro, who at the age was still reigning as “champion”. Matt reassures Shiro he won’t make the results public because Matt dosen’t want to draw in unwanted attention from people asking or bugging him about how he beat the “champion.” Their friendship goes on until 2nd year junior high, when Matt tells Shiro that he has to withdrawal from the school due to some “personal” and not money oreintated things that are going on in his family. Shiro wants to stay In touch with Matt, but after his last day he just disappears Now for Pidge! Pidge or Katie fully is aware of Shiro’s existence in some shape or form, but has already disguised herself to Pidge Gunderson, a student of the lowest middle class accepted as a scholarship student. Since the school operates with the gambling social system, scholarship students are loaned up to however money based off their monthly ranking in class. The lowest a scholarship student can receive is 2,00,000 for one month due to scholarship students required to rank in the 1-10 places out of the whole school in order to keep their spot. Not to mention, scholarship students can always keep whatever extra money they have from previous matches or whatever extra that was given to them by the school, but are required to play atleast one gambling match against another student once per month so one student dosen’t become powerful with money given to them by the school. In any gambling match on school grounds you are required to have a referee that is not biased between any of the students, 2,000,000 or enter with an "all in" and be able to pledge with the school’s gambling rules. The school’s gambling rules are very basic, as it includes no cheating (unless you are not caught), no biased dealers or referees, and everything you can think of that can prevent a unfair outcome. To continue, back to The holts. The holts in this au own a very rich company that do their sales in fields like medical all the way to tech or creating the latest software and hardware. The company the family owns have gotten several awards and nominations for awards which makes them a more trusted company to buy from. And can be considered one of the Big 7. The big 7, are companies that have large amounts of wealth and fortune that it’s not considered funny anymore. Some of the companies are able to even gain illegal monopolys in some of their fields they spealize in too. Of course all of these companies have heirs, which Coincidentally all attend this gambling school. As you can infer already, the school is basically money=power or class in this school is based off how much money or how good have a gambler you are. Back to the Big 7, the student council is composed of 5/7 heirs of the Big 7. The president Lotor, Vice President Axca, Tresurer Narti, Public relations Director Ezor, and Secretary Zethrid. The other two students part of the Big 7 currently do attend the school but under alias as they both see that joining the council is a sign up for a bunch of unwanted attention. Now back to the "personal" things I mentioned with Matt earlier. In this world, companies will try to attack others so victim companies can either lose consumers or get their companies reputation dirty. When Matt tells Shiro he has to withdrawal for personal reasons, he leaves due to the holt family general safety is in danger. As mentioned above they are part of the Big 7, and most companies that have to compete with them will do anything to eleminate the competition. That may be doing things that can put someone's life on the line. But anyway, for the next few years the Holts leave the country traveling to Europe to go into hiding while still continue operations on their company. Matt is the same age shiro is when the main events of au occur which leaves a 3 year difference between him and Katie. In Europe the Holts stay in a different country every year, until things calmed down and they would be able to go back home. During the 3-4 years they stay in Europe, they've stayed in the U.K., Italy, France, and Germany. Which has allowed the whole family to learn the perspective languages that is spoken over there. After the 3-4 years they return to their original homeland. The family is still worried though, so they continue to use the names and alias they used while abroad. While abroad the holt siblings did attend school. Which coincidentally had the same system as the school's back in their original home so they've become even better gamblers. Learning tricks and techniques and noticing the littlest things that can go and support an arguement that their opponent is cheating. Matt is able to skip a grade while he's abroad, so when the family returns he dosen't have to go back to school. However Katie has to start highschool as Pidge. During the years the holts are gone Shiro's family struggles even more. To where Both Keith and Shiro are reduced to the lowest possible thing. They're both in debt which In total both owe 8,000,000 not even including interest. Shiro is no longer considered a human at school but rather a house pet due to the amount of debt he owns. Keith is close to becoming one but whatever extra money Shiro has from after paying their mothers medical bills he tries to pay off Keith's debt. Even though it's not a lot it's able to save Keith from becoming one of the student councils house pet. When Matt and Shiro were bff's the holts would go on and even pay for the tuitions of Keith and Shiro. The holts pretty much have done so much for Shiro's family that their mother has gone and personally thanked them for doing a lot for them. The holts like to always treat keith and Shiro as if they are their own children while Keith and Shiro look up to them as a 2nd family. Either way when Pidge starts school she immediately recognizes Shiro and Keith when they both give her a tour of the school but they don't recognize her. On the first day she goes against One of the class reps in which ends with her winning a match and rep now oweing her. After she asks to speak to Keith and Shiro and gives them enough money to pay off all their debt. Shiro asks "Why are you doing this?" And she only replies with "don't I look like someone you've known before?" And then it just hit them in realization that this is Katie holt, sister of Matt holt. The person who rivaled the champion at the time. Once again shiro and Keith owe the holts once again and now both start crushing on the youngest holt for what she's done for them. And like just think about all the of the small tidbits and moments that could happen, ok now I'm done. Ok I'm done if any of you have really good writing skills and want to write a fanfic on this please go ahead. I'm a terrible person when it comes to writing dialogue so yeah. Just please credit me? Anyway have a nice day and thank you for reading all of this. @rebelgirlmatrix1213 Thoughts on this au I thought of?

[savvyliterate]

"Luke and Lorelai doesn't have a healthy relationship. I don't get why people like them so much," a recent post from starshollowconfessions says. Agree or disagree?

I think it depends on if you’re talking about original series or AYITL. And this is going to get fairly long, but in short … in the original series, their relationship wasn’t very healthy the further you got into season 6, with a lot of the damage being done in season 5. But in A Year in the Life, their overall relationship is a lot stronger.

And because I am clearly Hermione (or Rory), here’s a really long essay about the differences between their OS relationship and their communication issues in AYITL.

In the original series, there was definitely a good amount of unhealthy stuff between Luke and Lorelai starting with Lorelai lying about Chris, which eventually allowed Emily to manipulate the situation into where Luke breaks it off with Lorelai. There was a lot that went wrong there, and I feel like at the time, the series forgot the number that Nicole did on Luke in season 4 - which probably fed into his nuclear reaction to what happened at the Gilmore vow renewal. Had Lorelai not lied about Chris, I think they could have weathered Emily’s machinations. But instead, Luke probably saw it as Nicole all over again but WORSE considering that Lorelai was the one helping him handle Nicole cheating on him.

Remember that all the stuff with Nicole barely happened a year earlier. Nicole cheated on Luke in the late winter-early spring of 2004 and Lorelai begins lying to Luke about Chris in November, so roughly half a year later. Where the series failed here is that no one recognized that Luke did have a leg to stand on and his own fears. And while Lorelai realizes she majorly screwed up, we don’t see anyone acknowledging that Nicole’s actions may have had an effect on Luke’s reactions to Lorelai lying to him. He also rushed from Nicole to Lorelai so fast, that I don’t even think Luke fully dealt with the ramifications of the Nicole fiasco as of when he started his relationship with Lorelai. And there is no indication that Luke and Lorelai dealt with the Chris issue after they got back together, so that leads to *lovely* moments like Luke being a dick to Lorelai when Chris calls in season 6. Then you have the entire season six fiasco about April, and that really needs no explanation at this point.

The biggest failing that Luke and Lorelai have as a couple isn’t so much their communication issues but rather their inability to rock the boat, and it stems back to their fallout in season 2. Since then, you can tell that Lorelai goes out of her way to avoid getting the two of them into that sort of situation again. The whole Chris thing happens because of Lorelai not wanting to hurt Luke once she was caught up in her lies, and he got hurt anyhow. Lorelai thought that if she avoided it, it would go away, and it didn’t. The whole April thing happened because Luke failed to go to Lorelai right away because he didn’t want to explode things again so soon after Rory got back, and then it just got worse. And then Lorelai once again refused to push Luke, thinking maybe it would eventually go away rather than confronting him and risk losing the relationship. Once you start clamming up, it is super easy just to keep going down that path rather than face the consequences. Because they were both so scared of pushing each other to the point where they would had lost each other, they wound up losing each other. 

In pretty much every other aspect of their lives, they are compatible. They enjoy each other’s company. They largely have the same values. Luke respects and supports Lorelai’s work and her daughter, both which are huge for her. Emotionally they balance each other out. They are sexually compatible, and that compatibility is still there in middle age for them both. The first scene in “Winter” is a really good snapshot of their relationship at this point in time - the relentless bantering from both of them, Lorelai taunting Luke with the music on her phone, etc. Had Rory not been sitting there stuffing illegal doughnuts, those two would be doing the exact same thing with Paul Anka as witness. The house is a really good mix of both of them now, not just Lorelai and Rory.

So here’s the thing. That struggle that Luke and Lorelai had back in seasons 5 and 6 about really confiding in each other about what’s going on? That’s still there in the revival. Because no matter how good your relationship is, there is still a weakness somewhere. And I get frustrated when people bash the Ls for not having magically solved their communication issues, because this is something they will be working on for the rest of their lives. It’s not just Luke and Lorelai with each other. It’s Lorelai and Emily and Lorelai and Rory as well. In the revival, the Ls are handling things SO MUCH BETTER than they did in the original series, and that’s because they actually fight about it.

The biggest things Luke and Lorelai keep from each other in the revival stem around the inheritance Richard left Luke and Lorelai’s therapy with Emily. These issues are nowhere near as big as the ones they faced in the original series involving lying about an ex-boyfriend and not telling your fiancée you have a kid. And there are far more solid reasons for them keeping these things from each other than in the original series.

With Lorelai’s therapy, there is still such a negative stigma around mental illness that it really is super hard to admit to your loved ones that you’re doing therapy - or that in Lorelai’s case, she had stopped going with Emily and was going by herself. I almost didn’t tell my husband when I went into therapy a few years back, and we have an extremely happy marriage. It took me nearly a year (and a lot of crying) to admit to my mom that I had gone through therapy. It is really, really hard, especially for someone like Lorelai, and I don’t think she should be harangued by people for not telling Luke that she went into solo therapy.

Onto the inheritance. On the flip side, you have Luke being the person to deal with the fallout of Lorelai and Emily’s epic blowout post-Richard’s funeral. He wasn’t physically there since he was driving Rory to the airport, but he would had been the one to scrape up the pieces. He literally was the only person Lorelai could turn to. As of “Winter,” Emily hasn’t spoken to Lorelai in four months and Lorelai didn’t tell Rory either. Plus, Rory didn’t go home for Thanksgiving or Christmas after Richard died. So he’s at ground zero of a huge emotional hurricane, and that probably put a huge strain on them as well. A major death in the family always does.

Now Luke’s having to deal with this whole franchise mess, and it’s clear he’s only going along with it to a point. He knows if he doesn’t at least attempt to play along with Emily that it will make things worse between Emily and Lorelai, and he doesn’t want Lorelai going back to the dark place she was most likely in during the fall of 2015.

So now you get to their argument in “Summer.” Yes, each of them are hurt when the other actually confesses, but they actually fight about it. There are no ultimatums issued like in “Partings.” Luke doesn’t storm away and avoid Lorelai like in “Wedding Bell Blues.” Luke finds the idea of Lorelai cheating on him preposterous, which is huge given “Partings.” That meant at some point, he and Lorelai dealt with the Christopher issue, since season 5 or 6 Luke wouldn’t have hesitated to throw that in Lorelai’s face (because I love you, Luke, but you can be a dick.) That is communication, and that is progress. Luke expresses his hurt, and Lorelai expresses hers. That’s normal when you find your partner has kept silent - even if it’s for non-malicious reasons. That’s human. The fight ends at a natural stopping point because they did need to go back to work and they were unintentionally causing a scene in the diner.

Lorelai carries a lot of guilt about Luke because everyone is right - she has largely steered the ship of their relationship since 2007. It doesn’t mean that he just blindly went along. We know Luke will speak very loudly and forcefully when he wants his opinion known. Had he truly wanted more kids, he would had made this known. He expresses twice during the revival that he is happy the way things are and that he is satisfied with his life, and I think he truly is. But it doesn’t mean Lorelai still doesn’t have that guilt, and heaped that onto the therapy and what a mess.

Their decision to keep their lives separate probably stemmed from them getting back together and making a loose agreement not to drag each other into their respective family dramas based on the “crazy family” line. If it’s an issue with Rory and the Gilmores, Lorelai would handle it. If it’s an issue with April, Luke would handle it. And that’s not entirely an unusual thing. I barely interact with my step siblings on both sides of the family. All major decisions about me and my brothers were handled by my parents with very little input from the stepparents. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my stepdad or didn’t love my stepmom. It didn’t mean that my parents weren’t in good relationships with their partners. They were. My dad and stepmom were really happy for 20 years until my stepmom died. My mom and stepdad kept their finances largely separate until they married - 11 years after they moved in together.

But it’s obvious in the series that Luke and Lorelai are more entangled with each other’s families and their lives than they claim during their argument in “Summer.” Lorelai knew all about the financial stuff with April, which means Luke clearly told her. And he’s comfortable enough around Emily that he tried to hug her in “Winter” and that Richard added Luke to the actuary table and that Emily sided with Luke on pretty much everything brought up in the revival. And clearly they redecorated the house together, so their money co-mingled at some point. But man, considering how Anna dislikes Lorelai, I can see her pitching the hugest fit if she tried to make any sort of financial decision about April’s education or threw in her own money. They probably kept that separate just to keep peace. And that’s what you do, because families are MESSY.

I have a lot of sympathy for Lorelai in so many things, and that includes how she treats Luke regarding their lives. I’m the one who has taken the lead in my marriage a lot, and every so often, I am wracked with guilt. Did I ruin my husband’s life? Is he only going along with things just to keep me happy? Does he really want kids after all and will he regret that I chose to stop trying to have them? None of it is done maliciously, but I tend to lead and he’s content to follow. Every so often, our own insecurities and issues will cause us to fight. We have a really happy marriage about 85-90% of the time. When we do fight, those dark places do open up and we have to confront the weaknesses in our otherwise very strong relationship. Sometimes, those issues are tucked away to be dealt with another day. And sometimes, those issues are dealt with.  

And I see that in Luke and Lorelai. I think their relationship is perfectly fine about 80-90% of the time in the post-2007 era, but like any couple, they will have to deal with those weaknesses when it comes up. And Lorelai had to deal with this guilt she carries with her, which is why after the fight with Luke, she makes the decision to go on the Wild trip. Lorelai has been standing still for so long, afraid to push for change because she doesn’t want to lose the thing that is most important to her in her post-raising Rory life - which turns out to be Luke. So she’s had people heaping this stuff on her for the bulk of a year, and she’s cracking. And those cracks bleed through with the people she’s closest to - Luke, Rory, and even Emily.

Even Luke points out that the situation between them is abnormal. As he tells Jess, “Ah, we’ve been arguing, like sniping. And, we never sniped, you know. We never picked at each other in public and put each other down and made other people look at us like, ‘Oops, what’s going on?’” Which is exactly what happened in the diner at the end of “Summer.” Which means that the vast majority of the time, things are perfectly fine between them and that communication does exist. We don’t see it because AYTIL is handling a specific period in time and even then, it’s showing bits and pieces of that year. 

Despite everything, Lorelai doesn’t completely shut out Luke like she did in “Partings.” She tells him right away she plans to go. “Fall” opens with Lorelai calling Luke from her hotel and leaving that frankly adorable message about how she is 12 hours into this trip, aka 12 hours away from him, and she’s already going bonkers. And he’s going nuts without her. He’s not sleeping. He gave out the wi-fi password by accident. The three-week trip would be the longest they’ve been apart since they got back together in 2007, and I highly doubt they were separated for more than a couple of days prior to the Wild trip.

The Wild trip was never about Lorelai figuring out if she was going to end the relationship. It’s Lorelai finding herself so she can deal with all the emotional crap thrown at her in the past year. She goes when she does because she realizes that she’s fighting with her daughter and that if things keep going the way they are, she could very well permanently damage her relationship with Luke. In the end, her biggest fear is that he’ll leave her again. And his, as he vocalizes to Jess and later to Lorelai (and hallelujah for finally bringing up the number that Nicole did on him), is that she’ll leave him.

Luke acknowledging their communication issues is something that wouldn’t had happened in seasons 5 or 6. That entire conversation with Jess in the diner wouldn’t had taken place, which shows considerable growth for Luke. Luke and Lorelai at this point are both recognizing they’re heading down that slippery slope of communication failure again, and this time they are trying to stop it. Seasons 5 and 6 are pretty much them at the bottom of the Grand Canyon in a fiery explosion, and AYITL is them close to the top of the canyon realizing that if things continue the way they were going, they are going to crash and burn again. 

Lorelai going on the Wild trip reminds me so much of why I went to therapy - because I could see this strain starting to develop on my relationship because of my internal issues, and I love my husband and value our relationship so much that I wanted to fix it. For Lorelai, the Wild trip IS the final step of her therapy. She loves Luke and Rory so much that she wants to fix herself so she can fix things with them. I love you immensely, Lorelai.

And Luke makes it clear when Lorelai comes home that he will do whatever it takes not to lose her. He will go to therapy. He’ll franchise the diner. He’ll give her back half the closet that she’s already taking over anyhow. This isn’t something he would had done before “Partings.” He isn’t going to run like he did in “Wedding Bell Blues.” I love you too, Luke.

So, roughly 2,700 words and two hours later … Communication is always going to be an issue between Luke and Lorelai, but I think they will address it (and have done so already off-screen) and it won’t be the ticking time bomb it was in the original series. And they went from having an unhealthy relationship to a far healthier one.

[a-heart-attack-ow]

Aftermath. Chapter 2

1

2: 

Isolation.

A human beings greatest weakness. It's a sensation that is unforgettable. A sensation that brings such pain.

Such destruction.

Such hunger.

A sensation that I felt as I walked along the narrow hallways of Heritage Oaks psychiatric hospital. It was cold here. Everything was white, every inch of the building looking like a hospital made to drive its residents insane. It was as if the walls were closer together than I remembered them being. White walls that didn't give me any space to breathe.

Any space to think.

Even now, with my every passing step, I can't help but feel like everything was closing in on me.

As if he was closing in on me.

Any space from the mystery man who'd caught my eye.

It had been only a few days since his return. The night he'd been brought in with a dozen men who held him in place while he took in his surroundings.

His new cage.

But even with the few days that had passed I still feel the lingering gaze of the boy. I still hear the faint words he'd spoken without sound. The words that had broken me and intrigued me all at once. Even now as I walked down the narrow halls I could hear it. I could feel him near me as if he was directly behind me.

Even though he wasn't.

He's all I can think about as I move slowly, the dull light of the hall seeming to hold mystery as I move from the hall to the room the hall leads to. The game room where we all were dragged to whenever we'd spent our mornings in group. Our mornings where we spent pouring out our inner most thoughts and feelings. Our bouts of depression and madness that lead us here.

The room is loud when I reach the end of the narrow hallway, my eyes watching the others in caution as I dare to peer around the corner. It's there that I see the boy who's eyes kept haunting me even when he was nowhere near me. He stood behind the pool table, his body near the fireplace as he leans against the wall. The moment I take a step into the room his eyes find me.

Two blue orbs that fixate on me.

As if I'm the only thing he wants to see.

Like he craves me.

I find my gaze moving to his as I watch him back, undetectable emotion moving through me as I look at him. He didn't know me and I didn't know him, but it felt as if I had. And maybe it was in the way that he smirked at me, the way his scar twitched when he looked at me. As if I was prey and he was a predator.

“Elena?”

From behind me I hear the faint whisper of my voice, a friend that I'd made when I first came here just three weeks ago. When I hear her voice I glance over my shoulder, my eyes meeting hers instantly. Hearing he say my name forced a chill up my spine, my body shaking out the thoughts of the man in front of me. The thoughts that had been consuming me.

“Larissa, don't scare me like that.”  

I try to act normal and shake off whatever I'd been feeling, but not even the helpful smile of my friend could bring me back from the edge of whatever I was standing on. She sees through me of course, her eyes instantly moving to the new guy, her eyebrows raising when she gets a look at him.

“Well he's cute.”

She rasps before moving to my side, her eyes seeming to intensify when his gaze moves to her before moving back to me. I dare to look at him when I feel he power of his two orbs on my body and when I do my breathing hitches. He gives me another smirk before liking his lips with cruel intent. A look that causes a shiver to move up my spine.

“He's very cute.”

She whispers at my side, her eyes moving to mine. Her face reads mischief as she nudges my side.

“Yes he is.”

I whisper after a few moments of awkward silence, silence that she reads into before I have the chance to protest.

“You like him.”

Larissa practically sequels in my ear, a little louder than I would've liked. Loud enough that a few sets of eyes look up from where they're sitting/standing, their gazes looking towards all the commotion.

“I don't like anyone. I don't even know him.”

I respond with a lie, a lie that causes her eyes narrow as if she sees right through me. She probably does because I am an absolutely terrible liar, but she doesn't say anything to counter my claim. Instead she lets me stew in my own inner conflict, her head of dark black hair fading into the poorly lit room as she goes towards the gaming center.

My eyes follow her for only a moment before I find my feet carrying me forward, my own need of escape finding me. I make it three quarters of the way out of the room before I hear a voice call my name.

His voice.

Hearing it causes the shiver I'd felt earlier to appear again, my body on edge as I dare to look over my shoulder.

As I dare to face the mystery man.

“What's a pretty thing like you doing in a place like this?”

The question throws me off at first. Mostly because I'd never heard anyone speak to me like this. I mean I'd had a compliment or two thrown my way before but never like this. The handsome stranger complimenting me felt out of place, especially because this wasn't something that tended to happen around here.

Most of the people sent to this psychiatric ward were here for different forms of mental disorders. We were all trying to 'get better' and it seemed like most of us had other things on our minds.

Things other than compliments.

I look at the man in front of me, my brow furrowing for a moment as I study him up close. From afar he'd been perfect, but up close it was unreal. He had a handsome face, beautiful green eyes and a jaw line that was so sharp it felt like had been sculpted.

He was flawless, except for the scar that curved out from the corner of his lip, on the left side of his face. But even with the scar he was still beautiful. If anything the scar managed to make him look more dangerously handsome.

But as much as I fixated on his scar, nothing could compare to the look in his eyes. The weight of what he'd been through. Whatever had brought him here before me now. It was a mystery that seemed to fit in with the fact that he was a complete mystery to me now, a mystery that told me he'd been hurt somehow.

Just like I had been.

I must've stared at him for a good few minutes because when I don't respond his smirk seems to grow, the glint of mischief finding itself in the turmoil that had been in his eyes.

“Not much of a talker, huh?”

The way he says it makes my heart skip a beat and perhaps it's how he said it that managed to get under my skin, but I think it was the charming smile that took me by surprise.

“I'm sorry...”

I finally will myself to reply, my right hand extending itself in his direction.

“... My name is Elena Fessenden. It's nice to meet you.”

My voice sounds higher pitched than I intended it to, something that seems to make his smile broaden as he takes me in. His eyes seem to focus on me, every inch of my body intriguing him as he dares to extend his hand.

He gives me a firm handshake and lets out a low breathy chuckle, a sound that is unlike anything I've ever heard before.

“My name's Josh Washington. But I bet you already knew that.”

To anyone else his comment would've sounded self-indulgent, but I knew better. He knew that I knew who he was, not because of his rich family, but because he'd been that boy who'd brought his friends up into the mountains of Blackwood Pines. The same place where countless people died. The same place he'd gone missing for months on end before being found.

He was famous for losing his sisters and the tragedy that surrounded him and his family.

I knew who he was, but I wasn't going to let that shape my interactions with him. Not when I knew there had to be more to him than that.

“I do know who you are...”

I whisper, the corner of my lips turning into a faint smile as I look at him.

“... But I have a feeling that there's more to you than that.”

My response isn't what he expected it to be and I can see it on his face. He expected me to be scared of him because of what I knew, but I knew I wasn't. I knew it the moment I first locked eyes on him, the moment he whispered the words I never thought I'd hear.

“Mine.”

Even now as I stand in front of him I can hear the ghost of his voice saying these exact words. The faint whisper that had intrigued me the moment we first laid eyes on each other. There's so much that he wants to say in response to what I've said, but he doesn't get the chance to say anything in return. Instead he's met by a pair of hands that grip him tightly on either side of his body. Body guards that loom over his decently tall figure, authorities meant to restrain him.

“It's time for your meds freak.”

One guard says through clenched teeth and a tight jaw, his eyes peering down at Josh as if he was going to turn into something else right before his eyes. The other guard doesn't say anything to him, but he looks at me and feels the need to.

“If you're thinking about being friends with this kid you might want to reconsider your options.”

He rasps before looking to his fellow guard and giving him a firm nod. A nod that provokes the both of them to pull Josh back from me.

I can see that Josh wants to fight against the restraints of the guards, but he doesn't. He's too tired of fighting and I can see it in his eyes. Whatever hell he'd faced was too much for him to handle. Too much to deal with and he knew his meds would take it all away.

Even if it was just for a little while.

Through all of this I remain unmoving from my spot, my eyes on his form until its vanished from me entirely. The whole time I watch him I can hear the guard's voice in my head. His warning that I didn't care to consider.

I didn't know what Josh Washington had been through.

But I wanted to know more.

I wanted to know him.

It was a desire unlike anything else.

Unlike anything else in the entire world.

[kira-sucks-lawlipops]

My pitch for an American Death Note movie

And now I would like to take a break from angry posting about how shitty the upcoming noteflix movie is going to be to pitch my own, not perfect but less shitty, version.

WARNING: This is REALLY long. I was only gonna fix White Yagami and make up a few sentences of plot but then I got really into it. (Also I was just making it up as I went so if it’s good maybe Netflix should hire me.)

First up, I’m not trying to retell the story of the manga/anime, because there are already movies that do that. I’m pitching a story for an American audience, with some big changes. My intent is that this would work either as a standalone film (for an audience that is unfamiliar with the series) or it could exist in the same universe (for the existing fans/the new fans who go back to the source material because the movie is good.) More on this later.

Okay, so there is no White Yagami. In fact, there is no Light at all because I firmly believe that his character/story makes no sense if you take away his Japanese upbringing. And if I’m going to change Light, then I may as well change all of the characters/world around him. I have put like zero thought into naming or creating new characters tho, so for now I am just going to call our protagonist Proxy!Light. (Bear with me guys, there’s a lot of this.)

Act 1: The Fall

Proxy!Light is an African American student in his late teens living somewhere in the USA where there is a high crime rate, racial tension, religion and a corrupt police force. (I’m Australian so I don’t know the exact location. Maybe somewhere in the Bible Belt?) He is more likely to make an emotional decision than a rational one, he comes from a happy nuclear family and he is not an apathic genius. He is optimistic, caring, a bit naive but overall a genuinely good guy who wants to make the world a better place. He is in his senior year of high school and is trying to get his grades as high as possible to land a scholarship, because he has no chance of attending university without one. He wants to be a lawyer, but failing this will probably try for the police force. No matter what, he wants to be in the justice system, protecting and serving his community.

He finds the death note, and Ryuk or a Proxy!Shinigami (again, more on this later) explains what it is. He refuses to use it, because killing people is wrong, but keeps it so it won’t fall into the wrong hands.

This would be a good place to throw in some religious imagery: Proxy!Light attending church with his family, Ryuk and the power he offers are presented as being an evil, corrupting force, etc. But Proxy!Light hasn’t fallen yet.

One day, Proxy!Light’s father is murdered by the police. It’s the same story we’ve seen before: he was doing nothing wrong, but was racially profiled and the police used lethal force. Proxy!Light’s world is shattered. His father, a good man, is demonised by the media while the police force, which he has always seen as a protective presence, fabricates a case to make the innocent man they killed seem guilty in the eyes of the world. Proxy!Sayu places herself in the front lines of a social movement which demands justice for her father and is labelled as a criminal who incites riots. Proxy!Sachiko tries to go the official route and hold the officers who killed her husband accountable, but the case never even makes it to court. Eventually she is forced to drop it when she starts receiving threats against her children.

Proxy!Light is unable to cope with what happened. His grades drop and he loses any chance of a scholarship. Law school is out of the question now and he has been thoroughly disillusioned on the police force. Everything he believed in has been turned on its head and he knows that there is no way that it can be made right again. He decides to take justice into his own hands and uses the death note to kill all of the police officers involved in the death of his father.

And now we enter Act 2: the arrival of Proxy!L and Proxy!Misa.

We open in church again. The preacher (priest? minister? wizard? idk) is praying for the officers that died, and encouraging people to remain calm and sensitive in this difficult time. Someone asks if the heart attacks that killed all those officers was an act of god. The preacher says no, because god is a loving force, not destructive (or something to that effect.) Most people seem to approve of this message, including Proxy!Sachiko, but there are some in the crowd who disagree. They argue that the officers were murderers, and if god did kill them it would be good old-testament justice. Proxy!Light likes the sound of this.

Proxy!Sayu gets up and addresses the crowd. She does not care about the religious implications of the police officers dying of heart attacks, she cares about the facts that their deaths did nothing to solve the problems embedded in their community’s broken justice system. She will be continuing to organise peaceful protests until their concerns are heard, and she encourages everyone to stand with her.

Throw in some more religious imagery here. Proxy!Light has now fallen. The support of the crowd fuels his belief that he is doing the right thing, but when he sees that his remaining family are opposed to him he begins isolating himself from them.

And now the real fun begins.

Proxy!L is not the World’s Greatest Detective, and he is in no way similar to the Ryuzaki persona we all know and love and/or hate. He is an FBI agent and a complete fucking asshole. Maybe he’s a genius, maybe he’s just really good at his job, but he definitely arrogant as all fuck and a nightmare to work with. I am picturing him as older and surly. Like, he thinks he should have been promoted above field work a long time ago but it’s never happened because no one can stand him. But if you want to cash in on that sweet lawlight fangirl goldmine (yes pls) then he could be a young, attractive prodigy. Either way, he shows up to this terrified and racially divided town and takes over the investiagtion into the sudden and unexplainable deaths of several police officers.

Proxy!L is accompanied by his partner Proxy!Naomi. She is basically exactly the same and is definitely still Japanese or Japanese-American, because that will be important later. She is the only one who can stand Proxy!L because she takes none of his shit. These two care deeply for each other and are an unstoppable team, but things are tense between them right now because Proxy!Naomi just got married, and after this case is wrapped up she will be leaving the FBI.

The partners show up in the wake of some violent backlash from the police. The surviving officers are angry over their friend’s deaths and believe that Proxy!Sayu and the other protesters are responsible, so they declare the protest to be a riot and shut it down, placing Proxy!Sayu and as many other prominent protesters as they can grab under arrest.

Proxy!L and Proxy!Naomi arrive at the tail end of this mess. They berate the officers for their hysteria and over the top violent reponse, and immediately take over. All of the low-level protesters are let go, but the FBI agents want to interrogate any of the organisers that they have in custody.

This is where we are formally introduced to Proxy!Misa. She is one of Proxy!Sayu’s friends who has been organising protests with her. We have seen her participating in collective action with Proxy!Sayu a few times before but this is the first time we have spoken to her. The girls have not been treated well in the arrest and are already hostile. Their interrogations are cut together, and now it’s exposition time!

We see Proxy!L and Proxy!Naomi working together, using different strategies with each girl and we start to get a feel for their dynamic and the fact that they are a great team. They tell both girls that there have been more deaths than anyone realises. All over the country, police officers and other people in the justice system have been mysteriously dying of heart attacks. Everyone who has died has been accused of corruption and/or the unlawful deaths of POC. No one in the public has connected the dots yet, but it’s only a matter of time, and then there will be nation-wide hysteria and violent crackdowns on POC communities like the one we just witnessed at the protest. No one wants that, which is why these two are here where it all started trying to hunt the killer down. Proxy!Sayu reacts with anger and disgust. She knows that things are bad and wants to create change, but doesn’t believe it can be accomplished with violence and death. Proxy!Misa’s feelings are more complicated. She take the position that the deaths are the result of divine retribution, and while she doesn’t openly endorse the killing, she thinks that people who do bad things should be held accountable no matter what. During the interrogation she reveals her backstory; she survived a home invasion as a child. A criminal killed her parents and took her hostage, but the police managed to subdue him non-lethally because he was white. The fact the the man who terrorised her and destroyed her family is alive and in jail while POC are being killed by police for no reason is what drove her to join Proxy!Sayu’s movement.

Meanwhile, Proxy!Sachiko has learned from one of the protesters that were released that her underage daughter has been placed under arrest and she is furious and frightened. She and Proxy!Light head to the police station and demand that they be able to see Proxy!Sayu. The police are dismissive at first but when pushed become openly hostile. Proxy!Sachiko is torn between the need to protect her daughter and not wanting to escalate the situation and endanger her son. Proxy!Light doesn’t give a shit. From the way he starts spitting his new anti-cop rhetoric in this place full of armed cops you might think that he has a death wish (spoiler alert- he kinda does.) Luckily, Proxy!Naomi and Proxy!L arrive just as things are about to turn ugly. Proxy!Naomi smooths things over while Proxy!L just stares at his shiny new N#1 suspect. The girls are free to go, and on the way out of the building Proxy!Misa introduces herself to Proxy!Light and asks him to walk her home. When he agrees, there is a split second where her eyes flash red.

Proxy!L and Proxy!Naomi discuss the case. He wants to focus on Proxy!Light but she thinks their best suspect at this point is Proxy!Misa. This is where we can introduce some of the tension between them over the fact that Proxy!Naomi will quit and leave him soon. They come to agreement over how to proceed with the investigation. They are both encouraged by the fact that they seem to have zeroed in on the killer so quickly, but are frustrated because they have no ideas about how the heart attacks are being caused. Neither of them seriously consider the supernatural angle.

On the way to her home (I’m imagining that it’s night now, and the two have wandered into some visually interesting/appropriate location) Proxy!Misa tells Proxy!Light that she knows he killed the police officers who killed his father. He tries to lie his way out of it but he is a bad liar. She reveals that she has her own death note and was able to identify him by using the shinigami eyes (which she also explains.) Finally, she tells him that she has followed his example and started killing people all over the country. At first, Proxy!Light is opposed to this. It was personal for him, and he claims that justice has been done and she has screwed things up by attracting the attention of the FBI on to them. But he very quickly comes around to Proxy!Misa’s way of thinking. The two of them have been given a great gift, and they should use it to bring justice to everyone in the world who has been denied it up until now. He even pushes the rhetoic one step further. If they are re-making the justice system, then it will be their job to take over as judge, jury and executioner until things have re-stablised. They should start killing crininals too, and gradually remove all bad people until they have created a new world full of only good people.

It is clear that Proxy!Light has been building toward this for a while, and was just waiting for an excuse to go full-Kira. Having a willing partner is the catalyst which gives him the confidence to push on. I am trying to downplay the obsessive and stalkerish nature of Proxy!Misa, so let’s assume she is willing to throw herself into this cause like she threw herself into the protests. The two teens feed off each other’s bloodlust and we become aware that we are witnessing the creation of something terrible. More religious imagery, as we cut into a montage of several days worth of the two planning and creating their world together, scribbling in notebooks while the death toll climbs into the hundreds and dramatic orchestral music plays.

And from here I don’t have a detailed plan on how the rest of the story would play out. I know that I want to have Proxy!Light and Proxy!L interact directly and have a bit of chemistry (probably Proxy!L fixates on him as wants to get close to figure out how the heart attacks work.) How their dynamic plays out will depend on the age gap between them and some other factors which I haven’t put a lot of thought into. I have downplayed the genius aspect but I want there to be at least one big dramatic mindgame showdown between the two of them, as a shout out to what we all loved from the original story. Proxy!L wins the battle of wits, but Proxy!Light plays a trump card in the form of his supernatural advantage, allowing Proxy!Misa to kill Proxy!L at the end of act 2.

Act 3: Everything goes to hell

Proxy!Naomi is reeling from the loss of her partner. She has now been forced to accept that the supernatural exists and she needs to take down two meglomaniac teenagers who literally weild the power of death itself.

Proxy!Light and Proxy!Misa continue to go mad with power and try to reshape the world with death.

I want some more social/religious commentary around wether what is happening is right or wrong and some hints of a cult of followers building and meeting violent opposition from people who condemn the killings. This is going on in the background while most of the third act is focused on Proxy!Naomi and Proxy!Light trying to kill each other.

The twist is that Proxy!Light can’t kill Proxy!Naomi with the death note because, while she goes by her married name, the name that he needs to kill her is her maiden name. Proxy!Misa can’t read it with her eyes because it’s written in kanji characters (which is why it’s important that she’s Japanese!) I don’t know exactly how it plays out but the film ends with Proxy!Naomi killing Proxy!Light. Roll credits.

Okay, now remember how I said there would be more stuff about how this could possibly fit into the canon? That’s because I have two main ideas about how you could do this. 1. This movie is set post-canon. I definitely think this could work, with only a few tweaks. Proxy!Light and Proxy!Misa would be inspired by the original Kira, the police force would know that someone had a death note and was coming for them, etc. This would probably make the movie more rewarding for the fans of the original story, because we would see how things are in the post-Kira world and you could have cool stuff like the shinigami who drops the notebook being a reincarnation of Light Yagami. The disadvantage to this is that it’s more alienating to audiences who aren’t familiar with the original story. 2. The story is set pre-canon, probably 90s or earlier. I think this is the better way to do it, because we know from Ryuk that death notes have ended up in the human world before. In this case you would take away Proxy!Misa’s notebook, and bend the rules a little. She is just a supporter who makes an eye trade using Proxy!Light’s notebook. You would also have to dial back the scale of death, make it that all the murders happen in one place instead of nation-wide so it coukd feasibly be hushed up later (which is why it’s not mentioned in canon.)

OKAY WOW. This was a much longer ride than I meant it to be. I’ve really tried to tell an American-ised version of the Death Note story which is interesting and rewarding for fans and new audiences alike. (If we have to have one, at keast make it good, right?) I hope I’ve stuck to some of the core themes of the story while also making the adaption original and not compete garbage. I would love to hear other people’s ideas!!! Either for more changes/ideas for things we could do with this pitch or a pitch of your own! I’m going to track the tags:

#saynotonoteflix #saynotowhiteyagami

[howardlinkedin]

Group Project: Part 3

Running Title: Group Project. Part 3 Part 2: Here Part 4: Here Sequel to Shelter Summary: Timothy goes on a wild clown case, Neah may as well be the family security system, and we get to witness the day and the life of a barista. 

Here is what Chaoji learned:

Alma Karma was slowly, but surely, taking on the fashion world by storm. Their name had appeared in magazines, and benefactors had started looking, interested in what they had to offer in that brilliant, creative mind of theirs. (The fact that a certain famous friend of theirs continued to sport their designs on stage helped, immensely.)

They liked large, caramel-vanilla blended coffees with whipped cream and chocolate chips, and Mahoja’s lemon cupcakes.

They had married Kanda Yuu mere months after graduating high school.

The same Kanda who hates anything sweet, and only ever drinks herbal teas (preference: white tea), and always scowls at Alma’s frou frou drinks when picking up their order, but diligently delivers it anyway.

Kanda was also working his way through his college degree online, as the man would often hole himself up in the cafe corner, typing away at his laptop. Anita seemed to adore him, and always made a point to keep that particular corner reserved for when she knew his study days were.

He also wore glasses when on the computer, and apparently had a side job as a dog walker, which Chaoji was honored to witness one early morning. The long haired man toting an armful of leashes and happy canines from across the street. A smiling corgi harnessed at his front.

To see people he thought he knew from his past in a different light was somewhat exhilarating.

---

Chaoji had tried college.

He honest to God, really did try.

The dream was to head off right after graduation, and make a way himself. He wanted to make Anita proud. Proud that she even bothered to take in his lonesome and arrogant self. He wanted the world to see him successful and know that he was raised by someone worth knowing.

That she hadn’t wasted her time on him.

He lasted until his second year away, and he felt himself slipping.

I can’t do this. He thought, troubled. But don’t I have to? What a waste! His mind argued.

He couldn’t just waste Anita’s money like this! College was important, wasn’t it?

But he couldn’t keep up. It felt as though he was trapped by dark gray, looming walls and lost in the open sea at the same time. His feet were heavy but his nerves told him to run!

He can’t run! He’s an adult now! He was supposed to be a man!

Unconsciously, he dialed his aunt’s number, and cried. “Can I come home?”

Faster than flipping a light switch, Anita was there holding his sad, sad face and wiping away the salt water. “Come help me run the cafe.” She said.

His aunt truly was a superhero.

---

Komui’s phone chimed and he instantly recognised the ring tone. “Ah! It’s Lenalee!” He cheered and ran to connect the phone to the lab’s bluetooth.

On the overhead, the facetime was projected and Lenalee appeared. “Hello!”

The entire forensics team chorused their own greetings, enthusiastic and rambunctious.

She was smiling and safe and sound and beautiful and Komui suddenly felt blessed.

“My dear, darling, little sister how are you?” He gushed.

Lenalee watched as her brother seemed to lose control of his limbs, as he often did when excited, a mixture of exasperation and joy on her face. “I’m fine brother. I just wanted to check in like I promised. We just landed in Bar- is that a dead body?!”

Komui, and the rest of the forensics team looked in unison, like a hive mind, at the cadaver on the table.  “Yes.” He said, because. Well, it was.

There was a young and persistent voice over the connection where no one on their end could see. “A body?! I wanna see!”

“Tim no.” Lenalee held down a blue head of hair that was trying to hop into the camera’s view.

---

There were probably at least eleven codes of conduct and rules broken that day, because Lenalee was pretty sure that facetiming someone in the middle of a biopsy wasn’t on the list of “Okay Things To Do In A Forensics Lab.”

---

After Timothy, came Lala.

The first night of Allen’s concert in Barcelona, little Timothy learned that his father was kind of amazing. On stage at least.

Usually, Allen was about as mature as he was, which Timothy though was weird, because last he checked, he was the ten year old and Allen was the old man. The singer had white hair even!

It was obvious that Papa was the man in charge, even if Allen were the famous one. Papa was also cool, like Aunt Lenalee, because he helped make sure everything was safe and good. Papa also was wicked fantastic at baking, and Timothy was all about being a taste tester.

The boy decided that his new parents were great. Even though they liked to hold hands and cuddle in Timothy’s line of sight, and kiss and do other gross parent-couple things he only thought were in movies. But whatever.

Currently, it was the middle of the day, and Allen was at his scheduled practice in the new concert hall he was to perform his second concert at. Later, he was to also have an interview. Leaving his husband in the care of the family security, Link took Timothy out to the streets. Barcelona was preparing for its Carnival, and the populace had begun decorating.

Link observed the line of food stands with a keen eye, while his son marveled at the bright colors that were cascading the city walls.

The blue haired boy spotted bags of gummy candy at one vendor and tugged his father’s arm. “I want that.”

“Which one?” Inquired the young father. “All of them?”

“No.”

At this moment, the moment when the father went about buying his son a sweet treat, Timothy spotted a vibrant red ball fly overhead. It was rather large, and probably used as a prop of some sort for one of the entertainers.

“Oh my!” Startled a voice. Timothy glanced and saw a clown waving their arms in the air. “Young man, do you think you can fetch that for me?”

The boy shrugged. “Okay!” and went after the ball.

“Timothy!” Link called after his son and followed. He quickly looked behind them, trying to find who on earth the boy had spoken to.

He saw no one.

---

Working as a barista at a popular city cafe allowed one to become privy to very interesting individuals.

Chaoji had already catalogued the regulars and their times.

Every morning, no earlier than seven or later than eight, the tall red haired Colonel would saunter in for a large black coffee. Anita also had a soft spot for this customer, as there was always a to-go mug by the coffee press, with his name scrawled along the side. She also liked adding little designs around the rim. (Obviously, his aunt was more than a little fond of this man.) He would usually have his ear to his phone, mumbling and griping at someone he often called “Brat.”

Lately, it seemed that the Colonel had someone else to talk to, as he also began calling someone a “Little Goblin.”

(“I should just start calling you and that idiot father of yours Thing One and Thing Two.” snarked the Colonel. “Which one am I?” Demanded the boy.

“Thing One, obviously.” “Yeah, because I’m the best one!”

“Sure, let’s go with that.” )

The officer would set exact change on the counter, grab his cup and salute with it over his wide-brimmed hat and leave without a word to Chaoji, or a tip. The barista wondered what his aunt saw in this rude man.

---

Timothy chased after the bouncing and rolling ball, until he couldn’t anymore. Because it had disappeared. Somehow, with all the bouncing and twisting around the streets, the ten year old found himself lost, standing in front of an old church.

Turning in a quick circle, hoping he could spot anywhere he recognized, Timothy began to panic.

He had just gotten parents and now he’s lost them?!

“Hello!” There was a pat to his head.

“AH!” The boy yelled swung a wild punch at the strange voice.

There was an OOF and the sound of someone falling. Looking over his shoulder, Timothy saw it was the clown. “Ah! Clown!” He announced.

Said clown was grinning (Or was it the face paint?) and patted his belly. “Goodness, you have a strong arm on you!”

“How did you get here?!” Demanded Timothy, immediately suspicious. He didn’t notice anyone following him, did he?

“I knew you would be here.” Chirruped the Clown, standing and dusting off his balloon pants.

The blue haired boy squinted. “How?” The Clown posed, trying to look serious and regal. “I’m a detective.” Timothy looked unimpressed. (He never did like clowns.)

---

At ten o’clock, on the dot, the handywoman from across the street would enter the cafe and order a small mocha. Sometimes, when her mood seemed to be anxious, she would get three chocolate chip cookies along with her drink.

Chaoji found it interesting that whenever Kanda was there, the woman would go over and greet him, and that his past peer (the prickliest man he knew!) would acknowledge her. Sometimes she would even sit at his table in companionable silence until her drink was done.

Every Monday, just before the cafe opened, the florist in the same venue as them would deliver a fresh bouquet to replace the wilting ones in the window. Chaoji at first thought he was a vampire, with his pointed teeth and pale skin. The florist never ordered drinks, but boy did he like the donuts.

Once or twice, the eccentric looking florist would come in with a serious blonde officer, and order lunch.

Then there came a rather memorable incident, when a man with a computer and overcoat ordered a caffe latte, and answered his ringing phone with a hard “What?”

Startled, Chaoji almost dropped the customer’s change. “What am I, your personal satellite?” He hissed into the receiver.

The man then proceeded to crowd his way to a table and began typing furiously, and fast, cursing up a storm. Chaoji tried not to be nosey and pretended not to notice anything, especially when the man slapped his cell phone not five minutes later and announced that he had “found the kid, now stop losing my nephew you just got him!” There was also the threat of eye gouging, but again.

Chaoji was definitely not listening.

---

Before Timothy could question the Clown more, or even begin yelling, because stranger danger - The said stranger put his big goofy, gloved clown hands behind his ears and said, “Listen.”

Unwittingly, Timothy listened and he heard singing. It was a a very pretty voice, and it was coming from inside the church. Being ten years old and curious, Timothy momentarily forgot about the weird clown and made his way to the entrance and slowly pop open the door.

Inside was a girl, older than himself, with tanned skin, and tangled bright hair.

La, la, la she sang. The boy couldn’t make out any words, only the sound of her voice which was something right out of a fairy tale. Entranced, Timothy leaned a little too much on the door, and it creaked, disrupting the girl’s song, and startling her to stop.  

“Sorry!” the boy pronounced, looking embarrassed at having been caught staring. “I got lost and I-”

Remembering the Clown, Timothy looked back. Only to find that they were nowhere to be seen.

Now that’s plain creepy, he thought.

---

Every afternoon, at two-fifteen, an intimidating young officer would take a table near the entrance, without ordering. Precisely three minutes after, another redhead would enter the cafe, this one loud and boisterous.

“Madds!” He would bellow, pleased to see the officer, and then flounce to the counter to order. Chaoji had learned early on this one was named Lavi, if only because the other man had introduced himself right away and proceeded to order one of the most complicated drinks the barista ever had to make.

Lavi never did order the same thing twice, which gave Chaoji a little enjoyable challenge every day. The officer though, “Madds,” himself would never order himself anything, and would only ever sit at the table and wait for his apparent friend.

After getting his complicated drink of the day, Lavi would sit with the other man and Chaoji swore the redhead never stopped talking.

Once the coffee was finished, both would always leave together.

Chaoji thought they made an odd match.

---

Link shoved his cellphone back into his pocket and rounded the last set of corners to where his son seemed to have ended up. The moment he lost sight of the boy, the father contacted the one person he knew would be able to find the boy in seconds.

“What am I, your personal satellite?” Neah had hissed.

Unbothered by the threats to his life, Link listened to the map of directions given to him. (Link had learned that ignoring Neah’s nonsense was the best course of action than to ever outright believe him. The blonde knew very well, were he not married to the man’s nephew, the risk of actually getting his eyes gouged out and shoved down his throat would have been real.

As it stood, Link knew that all Allen had to do was frown and Neah would backpedal so fast, the uncle would fall off a cliff and land in the lost city of Atlantis.)

Opening the church doors, Link ran into the foyer and called out his son’s name. “Timothy!”

“Papa!” The boy jumped from a pew, and waved. “I knew you’d find me!”

Before the father could scold his son for running away, and drag the boy into his arms, Link noticed the other presence in the room.

“Ah.”

His dark eyes made contact with a pair of weary, equally dark ones, and he swore he heard a piano in the air.

“This is Lala!” Timothy introduced, waving his arms with flare. “She likes to sing like Allen.”

“...Hello.” Remembering himself, Link stood straight and held out his hand. “I am Howard Link. Thank you for keeping my son company.”

The girl, who couldn’t be older than thirteen, only stared at the hand and huffed. “Next time, keep him from running off. The Carnival can get dangerous when it starts.” She warned, her voice was clear and sounded much older than she should.

Right, Link thought. He was the one being scolded instead.

By a child.

Timothy tugged his father’s arm. “Papa. She wants to meet Allen.” Of course she does.

---

Setting his sheet music down, Allen answered his phone. “Hello Mister Papa!”

He heard his husband clear his throat. “Are you still at the studio?”

“Yup!”

Allen could hear Timothy chattering away as giddy background noise.

“I’m bringing over a guest.”

Grey eyes blinked, surprised. “Oh?” ---

Three o’clock seemed to be when the last handful of interesting fellows entered the cafe.

First, a duo of more young officers would chime in. The young man (who looked an awful like the previous young officer with Lavi) would order a large Cafe Americano, with three shots of hazelnut, medium caramel latte and a medium regular coffee with a shot of mocha - rapid fire as though he had this order long memorized before Chaoji even started working the counter.

The other besides him would stare at the barista with her hawk like gaze that made Chaoji nervous. After ordering, the officer would give his friend’s long hair a tug and leave to wait at the pick up counter. The female officer would huff, flick her hair, give Chaoji one last meaningful look and follow.

On this particular evening, after setting the ordered drinks on the counter, and handing his female friend her latte, the officer says, “Her name is Tewaku and she stares because she thinks you’re cute.”

Silence.

Then, “Tokusa, I will obliterate you.” the woman says, clear as day as though she were mentioning the weather, and left the cafe.

Chaoji, too stunned to say anything, gaped like a fish.

The other, Tokusa, cackled and followed after.

After the duo, in came Mister Marie, who Chaoji learned was a high school music teacher. He was also Kanda’s brother.

He would order a green tea, and if Kanda was still tucked away in the corner, a tea for him as well and coerce his brother into human interaction. Sometimes another man would join them, with sarcasm rolling off him in waves and pester the other two.

(Chaoji would later learn this was Kanda’s other brother, and the barista wondered just how much family did he have?)

---

The girl hesitated at the door, which Link announced lead to where Allen was currently waiting on them. Judging by the sound in the air, he was on the piano the hall had provided for him.

Lala made a motion to open the door, only to stop short and shrink back on herself, and toyed with her tangled hair.

Deciding that he could just barge the door open for her, Timothy almost did just that when his father sighed and stepped forward. Taking out his braid and stretched the freed hair band in his hand, Link said, “Hold still.” 

Lala scowled, not liking being given orders from a stranger. “What are you doing?” she demanded.

“Helping.”

---

The door opened, and Allen greeted the young girl, whose hair had just been detangled and braided, and looked for all the world nervous.

“Hello Miss Lala! Come have a seat.”  

The young teen stiffly sat at the piano bench beside the singer. “Th-thank you. I’m a. Fan.” She mumbled, face red and hands clutched.

Allen grinned, pleased. “Want to hear a song?”

The girl, wide eyed, nodded.

---

“Me too, me too!” Timothy ran in, and clambered up into his father’s lap, refusing to be left out.

Link blew an errant strand of hair from his face and figured he’d better go and find a fax machine.

---

After closing, his aunt would ask, “How was business?”

Chaoji would smile, proud, because he could say, “Good!”

[jaigeddes]

Service Industry Failure – Happy Holidays

Normally this time of year I am thinking about what sort of Holiday themed architectural posts I can share with people. Normally these are pretty silly and represent a Sunday afternoon spent making myself giggle. I’ve written posts on the best and worst Christmas songs, Christmas cards from famous architects, even put together recipes for proper holiday cocktails … everything is fun and games all the time, right?

Of course not. Things go wrong and how you handle yourself in those moments is important, especially if you are in a service industry like architecture. This is not particularly enlightening for some, but every year at the holidays I am reminded that so few people actually connect the dots and realize that between the delivery failures and snotty retorts, they are the face of the company for which they work and the lasting impression they leave can have far-reaching consequences.

I don’t care for shopping in general but it becomes intolerable at this time of the year. I doubt you could find a happier individual than myself when online shopping became a reality and I could avoid the congestion of people fighting for parking spots at the local shopping mall. In addition to holiday shopping, we also tend to purchase items for the office (computers, 3D printers, etc.) right before the end of the year so we can avoid paying the taxes on money we leave in our corporate bank account. I would like to present two scenarios, both started off the same way but my opinions of the two companies represented at the end could not be more different.

Company #1 – FedEx

As part of our end-of-the-year equipment haul, we purchased an HTC Vive Pro virtual reality headset with all the trimmings. We excitedly waited for our packages to be delivered, knowing that in fairly short order, FedEx would have them delivered to the office. Yesterday, two of the three packages showed up … the missing package contained the actual VR headset. I go online to check the status where I am informed that the package was already delivered hours before.

What? No, it wasn’t, at least not to me and my office is so large that I am not aware of every delivery made when I am sitting at my desk.

For the next few hours, I spent time on the phone with various customer service agents from FedEx trying to determine the location of this missing box only to be told: “I don’t know what to tell you, you’ll have to follow up with the shipper and have them take care of it.” Wait a minute, this is a problem completely of your own making yet the solution involves everyone except you? I asked for the name of the person who signed for it as the delivery required a direct signature … the person who signed for it was “Receiving” and the delivery address was “Dallas, Texas.”

Ugh. Not helpful.

As I pressed on, the obvious next question (to me) was how do I prove to HTC that I didn’t actually receive my package? Again, I received the response “I don’t know what to tell you, it’s never been an issue before.” Using the word “before” as part of their response suggests that this is something that happens with regularity but they haven’t internalized this well enough to come up with an actual answer. At my request, my call was escalated to a supervisor, who proceeded to tell me that FedEx and their drivers are 1) really busy, 2) they are behind schedule, and 3) in their efforts to keep up, mistakes happen … as if any of those “reasons” should be of some comfort to me. I don’t think they realize that this is a terrible answer – everyone I spoke with was quick to point out all the reasons why they felt justified that losing my package wasn’t really that big of a deal. A much better way to handle this would have been easy,  they could have spoken about how they were addressing the problem, what steps were being taken to remedy the current situation, and what happens next if the package isn’t located. All of these things would have placated me rather than dismiss my concerns outright as if I had something to do with the missteps that had taken place, instead I hung up the phone with a bad taste in my mouth.

On the exact same day as I was dealing with FedEx, I was dealing with another delivery issue.

Company #2 – Amazon

I buy a lot of stuff through Amazon – a shameful amount probably. About 90% of my holiday shopping is done using Amazon and this year has been no different. There was one last item I wanted to get my family and rather than drive across town and go to the local big box retailer (the very idea of which still makes my face hurt), I just ordered it through Amazon. Since I have a Prime membership, I was given the option that “if you buy this item within the next 3 hours and 11 minutes, you can have this item delivered today at no additional cost …”

Amazing! So, at 6:34 am, that’s exactly what I did.

Fast forward to 3:30 pm, and I still don’t have my item. That’s cool, although I am a bit anxious because I am having it delivered to the office and I don’t want them to try and deliver it after the office has closed for the day. I’ll just go online and check the status …

Your Item is expected to be delivered on Wednesday, December 19th.

Wait a minute, that’s not the same day, that’s two days from now. WTH?

So I go online and I start chatting with an account representative from Amazon and I ask why my same day delivery not being delivered on the same day? His response was direct – that product had to come from a different distribution center than originally thought and as a result, they were not able to deliver it on the same day. My next line of questions centered around 1) this felt a little like bait and switch since I could have simply run down the street and picked it up today, and 2) why was I not alerted and given the chance to cancel my order?

The Amazon representative apologized for the poor communication and told me that he would move it to priority delivery which meant I would get it the next morning, which was essentially 1-day delivery and that it would be delivered before noon. Not bad, but still not what I had expected when I originally placed the order. As I was preparing to end the chat session, the Amazon representative apologized further and said that they would credit my account some $$ and that they sincerely hoped that this negative experience would not linger, that they valued our relationship.

This is a great way to handle a problem, right? Identify the issue, acknowledge responsibility, and present a solution, all the while avoiding language that makes me feel like this is somehow my fault or that I am being unreasonable for being disappointed. Amazon went above and beyond my expectations.

The main difference between the FedEx and Amazon exchanges are readily apparent. Amazon took responsibility for the situation and told me what they were doing to remedy the problems. FedEx essentially told me that mistakes happen, they’re really busy, and I should get over it.

Architecture is a service industry – we work against expected deliverables and typically have expectations set by our clients as to what should happen and when it is supposed to happen. These recent exchanges with FedEx and Amazon have cemented what my experience has already taught me – taking accountability for your actions (or inactions as it were) has more to do with allowing others to deal with the effects or ramifications of you not doing your part then the misstep that took place.

It has been my experience that the people I work with realize that I have their best interests at heart and that in addition to the work I am responsible for creating, I am at the mercy of others following through on their promises as well. I explain that as soon as you realize that you can’t make good on delivering your promise, let the other party know so that they have time to deal with whatever problem you have just created for them.

Take a moment and let that sink in, it’s important. The problem that you just created for them.

If I can limit the damage of not making a schedule or a delivery, the other person has some time to react accordingly. Sure there is going to be some disappointment in the results but you can recover from that if this is not a pattern of behavior – it’s their disappointment in you that is hard to recover from. If you are creating problems that other people have to deal with – what good are you as a service professional? Why would you expect someone to keep you around?

Happy Holidays, and Bah Humbug.

[mtgsharzad]

GRN Prerelease Notes

WeIt’s been a while since I’ve gone to a prerelease. I think since...BFZ? But with the free Arena sealed voucher and the return to return to Ravnica, Magic’s greatest setting, I schlepped my way to the game store (after swallowing two edibles).  It’s a different store than the one I used to prerelease at. A narrow room is filled with one line of tables and barely enough space on either side of them to walk past. The counter stretches...6 metres? It’s a game store, like many and unlike many others. I showed up 3 minutes late and all the non-Izzet prerelease packs have been taken. Not much of a choice, izzet? God, kill me. I get a promo Firemind’s Insight and a really conflicted Sealed pool. I have three Selesnya rares, a Steam Vents, an Assassin’s Trophy (which I’m going to trade away) and the new 1R growing elemental guy.  I have, like, no playable creatures, and end up reaching for two copies of Muse Drake just to be able to play more than 8 battle dumplings. I built into a grixis fliers/midrange deck, mostly anchored around my copious removal and my UUBB guy.  I always forget how long we’re allowed for deckbuilding at these events. I’m usually a quick deckbuilder, but the drugs kick in and I find myself looking at the same 25 possible includes for a straight 15 minutes. I cut my second copy of the 1UB enchantment and grab basics, and proceed to have a really pleasant conversation with the guy diagonal from me about Legacy Pox. What a beautiful deck! He confessed to running the 1-of granddaddy Pox, as well as 4 Sinkhole, 4 Wasteland, 4 Smallpox, etc. Gotta love a man who plays the 1-of. He said he plays Percy as a finisher though, instead of the Nether Shadow recursion/beats strat - “make a percy, swing three times, you’re dead”, he explains. Sounds interesting! Round one. I’m up against a friendly Asian guy in his late 20s. He’s on BUG, and we have a good back-and-forth, but I take the series 2-1. Nothing really memorable or exceptional here; just some good old fashioned Sealed gameplay. I take game 3 with a reasonably-thrilling combo kill out of nohwere with Wee Dragonauts buffs and 6 points of burn going dome. Really great games, I say, and he agrees. I report the match win to the store owner, who I think gives me a little wink of approval. Who is this strange newcomer, who can win her first game? I imagine he’s saying. She must be a powerful sorceress. Round two. I deckbuilt across from this guy, so I know that he’s on Naya and has a foil Trostani (jealous). He had a bye R1, so I’m nervous, but I pretend I didn’t know this when he explains it to me. “So, you feeling good, then?” I ask, and he replies with something that’s music to my ears: He’s a total scrub! He has no idea how to play Magic, and is “usually the worst guy in the room”. I’m about 5% wary of some kind of hustle, but I don’t think I’m being hustled; this guy is earnest about how bad he is at Magic, so let’s just have some fun games! In game 1, I keep a risky hand with UR mana and two B spells. I never find a Swamp, and Sammy Scrub over here just develops a board and beats me down.  The whole time, he’s table talking nervously about how this is the best it ever goes for him, and this is probably the best he’ll do all day. A turn before I’d die, I say gg and flop the hand, which now has 4 B spells and still no B mana.  ”That explains a lot”, he says. In game 2, I take a dicy mull to 4 looking for lands. I’m sitting on Swamp, new Rupture Spire, Dinrova Horror, Goblin Cratermaker, which is at least an all-stars version of my shitty, shitty deck. I manage to do some nice stack trickery with Cratermaker that fizzles one of his Auras. After clarifying the difference between Auras and Equipment, I take game 2 easily. 

This seems like an apt point to take a moment to take a personal stand: I hate the way he taps his mana. He keeps all his lands in a single pile, behind his library (and therefore more or less underneath his arm from my viewpoint). This game, he did this thing where he’d hold up 3 mana for like 4 turns, and I’d have to keep clarifying that he had mana up, with him even doing things like casting a Worldsoul Colossus with X=2 so he could hold up mana (I Dead Weighted it. 😭Brutal😭). Turns out he was holding onto a Plummet effect; when I slammed the Dinrova Horror, he said “oh, that has flying, right?” and tried to kill it. Damn, sorry dude, but it also has Hexproof... Anyway. The experience of playing against multiple people with really incoherent mana presentation made me resolve to be even better about my own land display. It’s something Magic Arena couldn’t possibly have reminded me about; the messiness and personal flair that goes into the way each player taps, plays, and manipulates their cards, all outside of the game itself.  Game 3 also comes down to some board stall where I blunted his early assault and stabilized with Wee Dragonauts. Once I hit 6 mana I did the 4UR split card spell to search for an instant (the jumpstart draw 2) and a sorcery (the 3bb murder surveil 2). That was my endgame value chain, and he just couldn’t beat it. I played really forgivingly and walked him through my understandings of several combats in a way that I think made him a more equitable opponent to me, and so for that reason I think we had some really captivating fun games. I really liked this guy, and I hope he did well after we fought. We go to turns, so my idea to buy pizza before R3 is tragically dashed on the rocks. I still haven’t eaten (always take pills on an empty stomach, kids), and I’m starting to feel it.

 My opponent this round is a happy looking fat kid, who the entrenched player cracking a box to my left apparently mentored in Magic’s rules. The moment we square up I realize he’s a “Real Opponent” in a way the round 2 guy simply wasn’t; he does the pro player card shuffling tic, announces every trigger, and his cards make the loud SLICK SLICK SLACK of a player who knows exactly which card he’s putting where, and who intends to waste no time doing so.

We both mull to 6. “Ooh, hope you didn’t keep a fast one, or I might need to go to 5″, I tease. He tells me he kept a fast one, I stay on 6, and true to his word, he grizzly bears me into the dust by turn 6. Brutal! I mire in self-abnegation. You IDIOT, I think. He said it was a fast one, I castigate. Oops! This is not the mindset of a champion. I reset quickly for game two. At this point we’re comfortable enough in the dance, two mature players (one a child) with cleanly-laid-out mana and creatures and full understanding of the Stack, and we’re bullshitting and talking Modern while we play. It’s a joyous experience, the best time I’ve had playing paper Magic recently. I take game 2 pretty cleanly when he’s stuck on two lands, and the land clump he hits on turn 5 is too little too late, even though he slams a locket as soon as he can play it. I misplay a little by forgetting some of his announced triggers during combat, and get a 1-for-1 on my Dinrova Horror instead of the 2-for-1 I’d planned on. Oops! I win handily, though.  In game 3 I kept a risky 6 - 5 lands and a two-drop. I draw more lands and just can’t spend gas fast enough to keep up, and he curves me into the dust with his efficient little battle dumplings. RIP, really great games. The thrill of combat and the hot copper taste of blood (I think I bit my cheek accidentally?) fill my veins.  In the pizza meta selection subgame, I walk in the door thinking Potato, but audibled to Feta and Sundried Tomatoes because I heard Boros had good chances against the field. 

I walk back down the street to the LGS. The pizza did what it needed to and has loosened the feelings of self-doubt that come with your first tournament loss of the day. I am a champion. I am a queen. I’m beautiful. I visualize myself going 3-1.  My opponent for the fourth and final round is another teen, but he’s way worse than the cute friendly pro-to-be. He’s really soft-spoken, which wouldn’t be a problem but Putative Pro is the other match on this table and he and I are still occasionally shooting the shit, much to Surly Kid’s annoyance. Sorry, dog! I would normally use your turns to plan strategy or whatever, but he takes such ponderous long turns I feel like I have no choice. He’s moaning that he’s had to mull to 5 5 times already. My heart goes out to the kid, but maybe he should learn to trust in the heart of the cards!~ He’s built a pretty solid GWr aggro deck, lots of lifegain and Mentor effects. Exactly the kind of deck I’m not built to answer! But it turns out that spot removal works okay against mentor if you can keep them from having two guys attack on any given turn. I bleed out before I can stabilize game 1, though.  Game 2 I barely remember also, but I think I had a solid early curve and managed to discard his 1 answer in-hand. Hard to complain about that!

Game 3. Game 3 is scary. We both mull to 5 and have shaky starts. He hits me with early pressure and takes me down to like 5 real early, while I’ve managed to chip him down to like 16. FIVE TURNS, comes the booming announcement. Oh shit, I think. I have to take this. A 3-1 finish is so close, I can taste it. I end up stacking Wee Dragonauts and Electrostatic Wall triggers to find exact lethal on my last of the 5 extra turns. It’s incredibly, viscerally, beautifully satisfying. I feel electric, triumphant, and exultatory. This is my apotheosis. 

I win...three packs! Oops. The kid who beat me in R3 came first (satisfying to only lose to the winner), but because of the byes, someone has a 3-0-1 record, and they get the 6 packs due to second. Still, it’s a delight to place. TRADES:  traded away my Assassin’s Trophy for a K Command, new Niv, some cube cards / foils and some pocket change. 

[killingthebuddha]

Available September 4, 2018. Click cover to learn more.

Editors’ note: This is an excerpt from PURE: Inside the Evangelical Movement that Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free, by Linda Kay Klein, out September 4th from Simon and Schuster. The book is both a memoir and a reported account based on twelve years’ of interviews with scores of women across the country who, like Klein, were raised in evangelical purity culture. This excerpt features sections from those interviews.

Growing up, I heard a lot of talk about how evangelical Christians were better people than secular or other religious people (funnily enough, I now hear the exact same self-congratulatory messages from secular liberal people). But the truth was, I couldn’t always tell the difference between a Christian and a non-Christian. I saw both lie, both steal, both love, and both unselfishly give to others. But one tangible thing we could point to as evangelicals was that we didn’t have sex before marriage. There was that. There was always that. Which is why, I believe, the threat of losing that so-called sexual purity seemed so grave. Were we to have sex outside of marriage, could we even call ourselves Christians anymore? What if we made out? Kissed? Held hands? Had a crush? How close to sex could we come before we were no longer Christians?

After all, what other sin is said to fundamentally change you forever? You can be born again and have your slate wiped clean of lying, stealing, even murder. And if you do these things again later but honestly apologize to God, your sin is again forgiven. But sex outside of marriage is the only “sin” that I have ever heard described as changing you. Before sex, you are a virgin. After sex, well . . .[1]

I remember there was this girl’s high school retreat where the leader was talking about purity and how important it was and how she felt disgusting. Basically, she started breaking down crying because she hadn’t stayed pure, and this happened all the time in my church. My youth pastor’s wife had walked down the aisle pregnant, and was now married with two boys, but she would still weep about it. Not that the youth pastor who she had the baby with is weeping about it! But his wife still weeps about it and says how she feels ashamed, disgusting, and wrong, twelve years later. (Muriel)

Sometimes one doesn’t even need to have sex to feel this way. The purity movement teaches that every sexual activity—from masturbation to kissing, if it elicits that special feeling—can make one less pure.

What does it even mean to be “pure”? The lines were so blurred, and there was so much tragedy tied up with it: “Don’t do this, because if you do this you’re ruining your relationship with your future spouse . . .” “Don’t just be pure in body; you need to be pure in spirit . . .” Everything was just so intertwined with each other. It almost seemed like if you weren’t being physically impure, you were being spiritually and emotionally impure. Being “pure” became this really heavy, heavy weight to bear all the time. It almost made me go crazy questioning, “Well, is this impure? . . . Is this wrong? . . . Is this okay? . . . Is this going on?” (Holly)

Some purity-movement advocates even teach that sexual thoughts and feelings can make one impure.

I sort of thought of being naked with a guy. I didn’t picture him naked. I didn’t picture me naked. I just sort of imagined, “I could marry him and be naked with him one day.” And I felt terribly guilty over that for a long time. (Rosemary)

And it is implied that the sexual thoughts, feelings, and actions of others can be signs of your impurity as well (because surely you did something to make them think, feel, or do what they did).

I had one half-kiss at the age of sixteen that made me brush my teeth for ten minutes afterward.[2] It wasn’t even a kiss. He kissed me but I did not kiss him back. I think I mostly just stood there, kind of horrified and fascinated at the same time. But I felt guilty, ashamed, dirty for years. How screwed up is that? I thought I was dirty and ruined, a soiled package. But you know how it is. They say, “Make sure you don’t have to tell your husband the high number of people you’ve kissed someday. Your first kiss should come from your husband.” And I had just ruined it. I ruined it by letting this happen. [But didn’t you say you didn’t kiss him back?] Yes, but I felt I let it happen. I didn’t read the signals. I wasn’t on my guard. We jump through hoops to make it about our shamefulness. (Jo)

The purity message is not about sex. Rather, it is about us: who we are, who we are expected to be, and who it is said we will become if we fail to meet those expectations.

This is the language of shame.

Shame is the feeling “I am—or somebody else will think I am—bad” (as opposed to guilt, for example, which is associated with the feeling “I did something bad”). The religious purity messages many of us received as girls were about who we were, or  at least who we would be seen as, not what we might do. Of course, we are all different and therefore respond to shaming of this kind differently. Our family dynamics, the affirmation we receive (or don’t receive) for other aspects of ourselves, the intersecting messages we are given about who we are based on our race, our ethnicity, our socioeconomic status, our physical and mental health, and so on all have roles to play. But the conversations that I have been having over the past twelve years make it clear that the consistent shaming embedded into the religious purity message, particularly during adolescence, a stage of extreme neural plasticity for sexual development, can be an extreme influence for many.

After all, researchers like psychiatrist Dr. Curt Thompson have found that our brains bend toward whatever it is that our attention is directed to. The purity message is that a girl or woman is utterly and fundamentally pure or impure, good or bad, pleasing or displeasing, desirable or undesirable, et cetera, based on her sexual and gender-based expressions or lack thereof. It follows that if an adolescent is regularly given shaming messages, she will become more likely to experience shame in association with sex and gender than she otherwise may have been. As Dr. Thompson explains in his book The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves, “With repeated exposure to events [in which we feel shame], we pay attention to and, via our early neuroplastic flexibility, more permanently encode these shame networks. Thus, they become more easily able to fire later on, even when activated by the most minor or even unrelated stimuli (66).”

This is not good news for the shamed individual, or their potential partners. Shame tends to make people feel powerless and even worthless. It creates a fear of abandonment that, ironically, makes us push others away. We want to hide those aspects of ourselves we are ashamed of, so we may emotionally withdraw from those close to us, lash out at them to keep them at bay, or isolate ourselves in self-blame. Whatever it takes to keep the world (including ourselves) away from those parts of us that we have come to believe make us bad.

Over the years, shame adds up, but it can happen so slowly we don’t even notice it. We look at each shaming incident one at a time and tell ourselves what was said or done to us wasn’t that bad. In time, we become less and less sure that we can, or should, heal. Rather than seek help, we bury our shaming experiences deep in our bodies, where they are held similarly to trauma.

Shame researcher Dr. Brené Brown explains this phenomenon in her book I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t). She references the work of Harvard-trained psychiatrist Dr. Shelley Uram, who calls attention to the importance of recognizing “small, quiet traumas,” which she has found “often trigger the same brain-survival reaction” as larger traumas, such as a car crash. In I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t), Brown writes:

After studying Dr. Uram’s work, I believe it’s possible that many of our early shame experiences, especially with our parents and caregivers, were stored in our brains as traumas. This is why we often have such painful bodily reactions when we feel criticized, ridiculed, rejected, and shamed. Dr. Uram explains that the brain does not differentiate between overt or big trauma and covert or small, quiet trauma—it just registers the event as “a threat we can’t control (89).”

Perhaps this explains why I have heard so many stories of PTSD-like experiences in association with people’s sexuality, their bodies, and the church.

Today when I go into a church, I can’t stop panicking. I feel like I am going into a place in which I was raped, though I wasn’t. It is light-years easier for me to talk about being sexually abused as a child—I could give a public lecture about that—than it is for me to talk about what that religious community did to me. Sexual abuse is something that happened to me, but this was at the core of my identity. I participated in the community’s messaging about who I was, and allowed it to define me for years. The fear, the obsessing, the anxiety. It’s torment. It is Hell. It felt like torture. (Nicoletta)

And yet, the impact that shaming can have on people’s lives generally goes unacknowledged, and sometimes even unnoticed, within the communities in which it most regularly occurs. In some cases, shaming is so common it is coiled around core beliefs, laced through theology, and twisted into doctrine, making it nearly impossible to see.

I’m trained as a therapist, and I didn’t even recognize the trauma that I had in my life around religion until a few years ago. I’ve never spoken about these things with anyone else, not even with my closest friends. I have been through years of therapy and I’ve never once mentioned it to a therapist. (Nicoletta)

Shame can become like the smell of our own homes. The hum of an air conditioner. The feel of a wedding ring. It’s just . . . there. Which is when it is most dangerous. Because it is then that we are most likely to dismiss, rather than deal with, its dangerous effects.

Right now, groundbreaking research[3] is being performed among young adults raised in three conservative Christian communities—Baptist, Catholic, and Latter-day Saint—that reiterates many of the previously mentioned findings and posits several new ones that can help us better understand just how and why purity messaging is impacting girls the way it is. The researchers write in their brief:

There is little support indicating that the mechanisms currently used in our society (abstinence education, chastity pledges, and religious grounding) to curb teenage sexual activity actually work. The question remains, “Is our focus on sexual abstinence doing anything?”

It turns out that those who are sexually active and have experienced abstinence education and/or have stronger beliefs that the Bible should be literally translated [a core tenet of evangelicalism], have more sexual guilt. . . . females report significantly higher sex guilt than males (and) sex guilt from the first sexual experience is predictive of higher sex anxiety, lower sexual efficacy, and lower sexual satisfaction. So, females, in particular, who have strong religious beliefs and are engaging in premarital sex, are having unsatisfactory sex, they have high anxiety about it, and don’t feel that they are capable of changing their situation.

Lastly, the relationship between sex guilt and sex anxiety, sexual efficacy, and sexual satisfaction, doesn’t diminish over time; it gets stronger. . . . This is not a recipe for young women to embark on a fulfilling relationship with their partner and we predict could be an indicator of further sexual problems and relationship issues.

To summarize, first, the researchers are finding that purity teachings do not meaningfully delay sex. Second, they are finding that they do increase shame, especially among females. And third, they report that this increased shame is leading to higher levels of sexual anxiety, lower levels of sexual pleasure, and the feeling among those experiencing shame that they are stuck feeling this way forever. Oh, and it doesn’t get better with time . . . it gets worse!

Yep. Sounds about right.

    [1] It should be noted that revirgination ceremonies (which I have personally only heard of being offered to and attended by women) are hosted by some churches. Though the idea of revirgination reflects the purity ethic that implies virgins are somehow “better” than non-virgins, and brings with it all the complications that come with that, I have heard these ceremonies described as very healing experiences for many, especially for those who have been raped or sexually abused.

[2] There is no definition for “half-kiss,” though it is a term I hear often in evangelical circles. One person might use it to refer to a peck or an otherwise short kiss, another to a kiss that she turned away from, etc. For many, the intention is to keep at least as many purity points as she deserves by not claiming a whole kiss when, for whatever reason, it didn’t really feel whole.

[3] Beale, K. S., E. Maynard, and M. O. Bigler. “The Intersection of Religion and Sex: Sex Guilt Resiliency among Baptists, Catholics, and Latter-day Saints.” Presentation at the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality: Phoenix, AZ, November 2016.

  Copyright © 2018 by Linda Kay Klein. From the forthcoming book PURE: Inside the Evangelical Movement that Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free by Linda Kay Klein to be published by Touchstone, a Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc. Printed by permission.

[youremyonlyhope]

Children of Earth: Day 5

AKA: Torchwood just loves to hurt of its fans.

OR: Some of the most upsetting and disturbing stuff I’ve ever watched.

Why why why why why am I watching this? I don’t know? But I don’t know when I’ll have time to, so I’m watching it now. Before i chicken out and avoid it for months.

I’m gonna press play. If I remember correctly, the episode opens with Gwen on camera right? Giving that chilling speech? I hope I’m wrong because I’d rather work up to that and not just be thrown into it. Too painful.

Ok the preview played. Are those doors airtight? The ones the people were banging on before they died? Shouldn’t the virus have gotten out? NOOOO IT’S GWEN’S VIDEO WHY. “The Doctor must look upon this planet, and turn away in shame.” Just... That line hit me so hard the first time and I still think about it and it still hurts. I’m so so so stressed out. I hate the Prime Minister so much. I love Rhiannon so much. I love her taking in all the kids. I hate that her taking in all the kids leads to the most upsetting scene I’ve ever had to watch. I’m emotional already, my eyes are wet. No. She said “My brother works for the government” and she has no idea about Ianto wow I am in pain. I still like the American General, for now. “Any soldier refusing to do his duty will make his own family liable” YEAH SO ME STILL LIKING THE AMERICAN GENERAL LASTED ALL OF ABOUT 2 MINUTES. Ok Unit Colonel, please, please don’t disappoint me. You’re the only one left that I like. Oh, I still like Dekker since he’s at least smart. Glad he survived since he was the only one who actually believed they’d be back and prepared for it by keeping track of the 456 frequency. Honestly, UNIT should have been on this a long time ago. I wish I could remember my exact reaction to finding out they use the kids to get high. This time around, when 456 said “We need them for the hit” I just kind of rolled my head back slowly because I forgot that that was the way they worded it. “Let’s not forget, your government started this trade. You opened the market over 40 years ago.” I don’t like the American General anymore but he’s still right, and still better than the PM. Oh god we got the World Health Organization in on this too. Frobisher’s too smart. Frobisher really deserved better than being sucked into this. Better than having all of this on him. LOIS DESERVES BETTER TOO. I can’t remember if Torchwood gets her out of jail and gets her record cleared, but they better. Jack. Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack I hate everything I love you and I love that you love Gwen so much that you want her away from this but I hate everything that’s about to happen I hate everything and I hate Torchwood especially. I LITERALLY FORGOT GWEN’S EVEN PREGNANT AT THIS POINT. AND THEN I JUST REMEMBERED. Oh poor Lois. Also, I think this jail cell set is the same one from Small Worlds. I can’t breathe. I literally can’t breathe. This when PM tells Frobisher his kids will be taken, isn’t it? “Terrible day.” Understatement of the century, Frobisher.

I’d forgotten that his kids had been picked as a way to show the public it was all ok. The PM didn’t have to have his kids actually go through with being taken. He could have had them be given a flu shot in their home, or even in some other location after Frobisher lets them go off with the soldiers, and be like “look it’s just a shot.” BUT NO. HE TELLS FROBISHER TO HIS FACE “YOUR KIDS ARE GOING TO BE GIVEN TO THE 456 TO BE USED AS A DRUG.” IT COULD HAVE ALL BEEN FOR SHOW. BUT THIS EVIL PM IS LETTING THEM BE TAKEN. WHY? WHY?!?!?!?!? FROBISHER’S DONE NOTHING BUT BEEN LOYAL TO A FAULT. A HORRIBLE FAULT. BUT HE DID EVERYTHING HE WAS TOLD. AND YOU REPAY HIM BY TAKING AWAY HIS KIDS? AS A WAY TO REASSURE THE PUBLIC?

OOOOH IT’S SO “THE GOVERNMENT MUST BE SEEN AS A VICTIM OF THE 456.” HIS KIDS HAVE TO GO MISSING AND “DIE” TOO. SO 1/10TH OF ALL KIDS ARE TAKEN, BUT ONLY ONE GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL’S KIDS END UP BEING PICKED? OUT OF HUNDREDS OF GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS, OR AT LEAST THE 20 THAT WERE IN THE PLANNING ROOM, ONLY 1 HAS THEIR KID BE PART OF THE 10%? AND IT’S THE ONE GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL THAT ALL OF THIS BLAME IS BEING PUT ON IN THE FIRST PLACE? I HATE EVERYTHING.

“If you put me on camera, I will tell people the truth.” YES FROBISHER. I mean, I’m mad it took you specifically being affected to start fighting back, but at least you came around eventually. And you did kind of rebel just the tiniest little bit last episode in a subtle way. “But then your daughters would know where they’re going. Best not.” SO HE’D STILL FORCIBLY TAKE THEM FROM HIM. I HATE HE’S SO CALM. “I’m sorry John.” You’re not sorry at all. You’d let your own kids or grandkids be taken if you were truly sorry. “And I’m really very busy” OH. OH. SO NOW YOU’RE BUSY. YOU WEREN’T BUSY BEFORE WHEN YOU WERE MAKING FROBISHER DO ALL THE HARD STUFF. Andy. Andy my baby I want to cry I’m so happy to see him. Oh I guess Gwen’s trying to protect Andy’s family by not telling him, since the stupid American General said anyone who didn’t follow orders would have their kids picked. He doesn’t have kids, so I guess maybe any children in his family. “That’s what Torchwood does, you see. It ruins your life.” Truer words have never been spoken. The paparazzi. No. IT WAS BRIDGET WHO GOT HER OUT. I never hated Bridget. Sometimes she frustrated me, but I never was actually mad at her throughout this whole thing. I hope I wasn’t mad at her the first time... Oh god they filmed the girls going up the stairs through the front door window, like paparazzi.

God I’m like... shaking. I cannot describe the feeling, it’s not even shaking it’s different. I almost feel like I want to throw up. And Bridget already using “John Frobisher was a good man.” in the past tense. I had to pause and stretch to try to get the feeling to go away. Oh my god. It’s still there in my shoulders.

Never mind, Bridget doesn’t get her out. I still don’t hate Bridget though. Oooohh Rhiannon doesn’t know Gwen. Oh no. Do these soldiers know what they’re doing when they hand off the kids? Because the first time around, they got Jack to do it since they thought he wouldn’t care. But I guess the “you family will be picked” threat is what’s making them do it. This teacher fighting for the kids... my heart. God. I’m just an assistant dance teacher and work at an after school, but if they tried anything like this to my kids I’d fight tooth and nail. Wow I’m emotional. The boy running to his mom and being grabbed by a soldier. Wow. God just... Gwen probably treasured the moment where Ianto gave her a new wedding dress... and Rhiannon kind of took the memory away in her grief. “Then we better go and get them” AMERICAN GENERAL, I HATE YOU AND I HATE THAT YOU’RE TRYING TO GET ON THE PM’S LEVEL OF AWFULNESS. “He’ll be fine. The nice kids are safe.” THEY’RE ALL NICE. THERE ARE NICE KIDS AND BULLIES OF ALL LEVELS OF “VALUABLE” OR WHATEVER YOU GUYS ARE USING TO PICK THE KIDS. SO NO, NOT ALL THE NICE KIDS ARE SAFE. Oh god poor Lois again. My baby Andy. Deciding to help distract the guards and buy more time. I love Andy so much. Breaking into houses... why why why. My baby Andy. He should have kept on the armor since it’d protect him, but I understand the metaphor of him shedding his police uniform to fight the soldiers. Johnson, girl, I love you at this point since you’ve officially flipped sides and you were always awesome even when you were bad, but Dekker did not deserve to be shot. Gwen was holding the littlest girl while making the video. Oh god I hurt. Oh Rhys. 80% Ughhhhh whyyyyyy Oooooh Dekker. Dekker no. Dekker. No. No no no. I was remembering this as Jack’s idea. As something Jack thought of reluctantly. But no. It was Dekker. AND I SPENT THE ENTIRE SEASON SAYING HOW MUCH I LIKED YOU. I know you’re on our side, but it was easier to blame Jack for sacrificing his own grandson, a child that he has at least some sort of custody of. NOT YOU SUGGESTING SACRIFICING SOMEONE ELSE’S KID. AND HE LAUGHED ABOUT HIM “FRYING.” WHYYYYY. No background music while Alice screams “Steven.” I hurt. WHO IS THIS LADY WHO RATTED OUT WHERE THE KIDS WERE? I GOT SO CLOSE TO CRYING JUST NOW. IF THE SCENE OF THEM RUNNING LASTED 10 MORE SECONDS I WOULD HAVE BEEN SOBBING. THE MOST HORRIFYING AND UPSETTING SCENE IN TORCHWOOD. I FORGOT ABOUT ALL THE CHILDREN SHRIEKING. “We can say that today’s events were in American hands.” I. HATE. YOU. SO. MUCH. PRIME. MINISTER. OH MY GOD. YOU THINK OF NOTHING BESIDES SAVING YOURSELF. YES BRIDGET CALL HIM OUT. MY. GIRL. BRIDGET. YES. Ok Denise just because you’re a better person than the PM does not make you a good person. But thanks for looking out for my girl Lois. HIS VORTEX MANIPULATOR. I forgot that that could have gotten destroyed, I was focusing on his coat too much.

I hate Jack and his stupid habit of running off. Stop it. Please baby stop it.

Ok. Gotta get in a car for an hour. Will edit and add thoughts later.

Aaaaannnddd I’m back!

Children of Earth probably is Torchwood’s best season. But Season 2 is still my favorite season. But I appreciate Children of Earth so much more now since honestly over this last year or so sometimes I’d be like “Was Children of Earth REALLY that good? So good that everyone has to say Season 1 sucks and Season 2 is only ok?” and yeah COE is pretty fantastic, people aren’t exaggerating I just had blocked a lot of it out because it was so painful. I still love Season 2 more. But that’s because I’m biased and love Owen and Tosh too much.

God Ianto. Poor Ianto. And poor Rhiannon, losing her brother and then nearly losing her kids. Why why why must Torchwood kill all of my babies. All of my loves. Torchwood, STOP KILLING OFF MAIN CHARACTERS. And give Owen and Tosh shrines too.

Children of Earth is way too relevant right now with Trump’s zero tolerance policy separating families. Especially Day 4, that was hitting wayyyyyy too close to home. People always say that Children of Earth is so good because it’s exactly what would happen in that situation, and yeah after this month that’s pretty much confirmed. And the worst part is that you can’t even be completely mad at the people begging for their children not to be picked because we just naturally want to keep our families safe above everything else. It’s understandable, but still horrible. It’s selfishness but... almost not since it’s because you care for others? It’s just that the others that you care for are related to you. It’s such a complicated and messed up situation.

But the Prime Minister was just plain selfish. Not even motivated by his love for his children like the selfishness of other characters. He just wanted to keep his image clean. I hate him SO MUCH. I THINK I HATE HIM THE MOST OUT OF ALL THE CHARACTERS IN THE WHONIVERSE. Literally I cannot think of anyone else I hate more. Not even Daleks. Not even Cybermen Not even the Master since at least when the Master’s being evil they are also lovable. Or at least Simm!Master and Missy were lovably evil, I haven’t seen any Old Who episodes with the Master.

Lois Habiba. Girl deserves to be the new Prime Minister. Just, give her whatever job she wants. She’s so fantastic. I love her so much. She deserves everything. I’m glad Denise at least got her out of jail and pardoned.

Peter Capaldi. I cannot put into words. How much I love Peter Capaldi. He blew me away. I’ve told the story many many times, but it was mid-August, 2013, and everyone and their mother is being listed as a potential 12th Doctor. The announcement’s either a day or 2 days away, and I’m scrolling through tumblr and see someone say “Peter Capaldi’s name has popped up on a lot of lists of who could be the next Doctor.” and I got “Who’s Peter Capaldi? Why does that name ring a bell?” So I google him. And I see he was in Torchwood. I had just finished watching Torchwood barely 2 months earlier. So I go “HIM. I WANT HIM TO BE THE NEXT DOCTOR. PLEASE TELL ME IT’S GONNA BE HIM.” because he blew me completely away as Frobisher and I was sure he could blow me away as the Doctor. The day of the announcement comes, but I have to go to lunch with my grandpa and my step-uncle while it’s supposed to be airing. Right before we leave, I go to the bathroom and check my phone, and my tumblr has blown up with gifs of Peter Capaldi being revealed as the Twelfth Doctor. And I was so happy because I knew the Doctor was in good hands. And I loved Capaldi as the Doctor. He’s honestly my second favorite Doctor after Nine. Apparently, I love my Doctors to be a little grumpy. And Twelve was sooooooo grumpy and I loved it. And he was also so kind and caring. I loved every second of it. I loved everything about Twelve. I LOVED his guitar, I joked that Capaldi leaving was like a bad break up for me because in the days after Christmas, if I looked at a guitar I’d end up sobbing because it reminded me of Capaldi. I even loved the sunglasses that half the fandom hated, I thought they added to his older-Doctor-who’s-kind-of-punk-and-doesn’t-know-people-think-he’s-old thing that he had going for him. I thought they were perfect. And I loved that Twelve being a “good man” was an overarching theme for his run. I’m honestly still mad they didn’t acknowledge Frobisher in the show (and my ultimate dream was Jack coming back and seeing Twelve and FREAKING OUT thinking Frobisher was still alive) but I’m glad that the “good man” theme was probably definitely a little subtle reference to Frobisher.

John Frobisher was a good man. A good man in a very horrible situation. I hate that after all that, he not only died, he killed his family and himself. Because death was a better fate for his daughters than being drained as a drug for aliens. And he and his wife could never live without their daughters so he had to kill her and himself too. AND THEN IT WAS ALL FOR NOTHING. BECAUSE JACK MANAGED TO SAVE THE WORLD IN THE END. FROBISHER DIED FOR NOTHING. HE KILLED HIS FAMILY FOR NOTHING. And the 3 quick shots, followed by one a few seconds later. Because he had to look at what he had done before he killed himself. Wow. TORCHWOOD HURTS ME SO MUCH. PETER CAPALDI, YOU ARE AMAZING. And finding out that the Frobishers dying was like Time’s way of correcting Caecillius’ family surviving Pompeii just completely RUINED ME. I think I literally felt my soul leave my body once I figured that out. And sure enough I looked into it and saw that RTD and Moffat confirmed it.

Jack killing Steven. I get why he did it. It was the only way to ensure that he would be the only one to suffer. Except, Alice had to suffer too. But it was the closest thing to Jack being the only victim of what he did to save all the other children. If he had picked another child it would have hurt that child’s family. Jack would rather he and his daughter be the only ones in pain. And Alice looking at him one last time before leaving forever. Wow. It hurts. I wish there had been another way.

Yep. So. That was a painful journey. I don’t know if I’ll watch Miracle Day. But yeah. That’s it for Children of Earth. Lois Habiba is the best. John Frobisher was a good man who deserved better.

OH GOD THAT WAS ONLY 5 DAYS FOR THEM. WHY IS THAT REALLY JUST NOW HITTING ME?!?!?!