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callsignbaphomet · 16 days ago

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This short shoulda been done days ago but whatever. Like I said, I really wanted to write Jela facing the one thing he fears the most. This sort of thing really fucks him up on the inside.

Also, gods, I hope someone catches on to what I did at the end there 👀.

Chester, Pennsylvania Monday, April 16, 1799 CE 08:32

Usually he was up before the sun would rise, he liked watching the sun and the gentle parade of soft colors dancing in the sky and among the clouds as he prepared himself for the day ahead. But not today. The day ahead would prove to be difficult, a lot of old wounds would surely be reopened, a lot of complicated feelings would make their way to the surface and bubble and twist with memories that would turn bitter and taste like blood. After spending a few minutes rolling around in bed he decided to get up and shower. As he sat on the edge of the bed he winced as he put pressure on his right arm, as soon as the pain shot up his arm and into his shoulder he lifted his arm and looked down at it, it was already starting to bruise, he’d taken a solid hit to the arm by an attacker wielding a fire poker not realizing they only wanted to speak with him, not kill him. As he looked at the bruise a memory fluttered by his mind, a memory about him. Whatever injuries he had Sam would gently kiss them and would spend a few minutes staring at them, his face would be calm but his eyes gave him away every time. He worried a lot about him and he knew it, Sam never said any of it out loud but his actions spoke a lot louder than any words would.

As Jelani looked at the bruise in his arm and floated that memory around in his head he let out a quiet sigh. Today wasn’t going to be easy for him. For as long as he could remember he and death had always been at odds, death was inevitable, it was the one thing that was certain and he was very well aware of that. Even he’ll die someday and he was more than fine with that, in fact, he was almost apathetic with the idea of his own death. It was the death of others that sent him to a place he didn’t like to think too much about, an ugly place that exacerbated all those feelings of loneliness and those feelings of alienation he had in him since he was a child. Every time someone close to him died he could feel that heavy and cold loneliness occupy more and more space inside him as it grew bigger and bigger and bigger. It was like some sort of disease he couldn’t fight off.

Jelani shook his head as he stood up and looked at the nightstand next to the bed. The letter from Sam’s oldest son informing him that Sam had passed a few days ago. Old age had finally caught up to him but apparently he went peacefully in the comfort of his own home in Chester. The letter stated when he’d died and when was the funeral but it also stated that he needed to speak with Jelani, he was told to meet with Sam’s son under a willow tree in the middle of the cemetery. Jelani wasn’t sure why he wanted to speak with him, he hadn’t even been aware that Sam had told his family about him which made him a little more than nervous which was why there was a pistol underneath the letter. He looked at the clock and saw it was half past eight so he pulled himself together to get ready as the funeral services were in an hour. He wouldn’t be able to attend the service itself but he’d wait under the willow tree like Sam’s son had asked. Part of him wasn’t sure he’d be able to stay, another part of him wasn’t sure if he’d be able to set foot inside the cemetery, he wasn’t even sure how he’d react to seeing a headstone in place of Sam. He wasn’t sure of anything at the moment, he was mostly walking about in auto-pilot.

Loke had insisted on going with him but Jelani convinced him to stay back in Virginia as this was a matter he wanted to handle himself, he was more than aware of the dangers especially without an escort but he managed to ease his overprotective brother’s concerns with a charm that allowed him to take on a different appearance, he chose his own father’s likeness. The spell on it had a shelf life of two months, Jelani would be back long before the effect would wear off. Part of him regretted being there by himself as he felt he could barely move on his own.

After a warm shower Jelani donned the charm, a necklace he kept hidden under his shirt. Before stepping out he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and almost cried out as the reflection staring back was that of his father. Ingvarr was good at these things, he was a very emotional man and Jelani had inherited that from him but he was good at comforting other people when they needed it the most. He missed his family, he missed his parents back home, his grandparents back in Africa, but he missed his father especially now. He missed his warm and comforting presence and the fact that if he needed to he could collapse in his arms and know he’d be safe.

“Jeg savner deg, Pappa.” Hearing his own voice brought him back to reality.

Jelani walked out of the room and slowly made his way to the cemetery. He left his horse behind, walking would ground him and make him feel less like he was out of his own body. The closer he got the more internally unraveled he became. You’d never know it by looking at him but he was practically screaming on the inside. It was deafening and only getting louder and louder the closer he got to the cemetery. Once he reached the cemetery he spotted several services going on at once and in the middle of the area stood a tall and beautiful willow tree that stood out among the vast green of the property. Once he was at the entrance he inhaled deeply as he tried to convince himself to take a step forward, it took a minute or two but once he brought his right foot forward he began to breathe again as he looked at his foot. He wanted to turn around and go back to Virginia and forget this day, he wanted to go back to his brother and his friends, he wanted to forget about Sam and the fact that he’d never be able to write to him again or receive another letter from him. He wanted to forget how Sam always began each letter with “my dearest and truest love” and always ended them with “always and forever yours and only yours”. He wanted to forget the fact that eventually he had fallen in love with him and never got the chance to tell him because there was no point in telling him due to his marriage. He knew the marriage was a sham and forced on Sam but despite that he didn’t want to drive two people apart especially since his one and only chance to tell Sam to stay with him had come and gone well over forty-nine years ago. Jelani swallowed hard as he gazed upon the entrance to the cemetery and in a moment of bravery he walked through the gate as he tried his best to slow his breathing down.

He slowly made his way towards the tree but once he was near it he walked past it towards an area that had little to no people at all and stood near a grave and pretended to be visiting it, all the while he was carefully watching the people in the area. He had no idea what Sam’s family looked like, much less who the son that wrote to him looked like. He carefully watched every group but there was a man from one of the larger groups that was constantly looking over his shoulder and in the direction of the tree. Jelani couldn’t make out any details from that distance but the man was practically twisting his neck every time saw someone else walk into the cemetery. That had to be him, Sam’s son that wrote him the letter, he was sure of it.

Every so often Jelani would look at the group while actively trying to avoid looking at the headstone and the coffin but at times he’d catch himself looking at the coffin for a little too long and would zone out. He knew Sam was in there and as soon as he could feel his eyes start to sting with tears he’d look away and focus on something else. He looked down at the grave he stood over and read the information in his head. It was an old headstone, moss and the weather had beaten it to the point where the name was barely visible and the edges had been chipped away by time and the elements. It must’ve been an old headstone, that much wear and tear couldn’t have been made in less than fifty years. As he tried to read the name on the headstone for the tenth time a woman’s cry disrupted his train of thought, or at least what passed as a thought. He looked in the direction of the group he’d assumed was Sam’s second family. The coffin had been lowered and friends and family were throwing flowers and petals into the grave. The holy man or whatever they were called, he wasn’t sure what he was, began to speak again and for a moment Jelani wondered if Sam’s previous wife and daughters knew of his passing. He wondered if his widow knew about her and for just a moment he wondered if she knew about him. The thought was quickly dismissed, Sam was a lot of things but he wasn’t an idiot. He hid a lot of things from his family out of shame and self-preservation and speaking freely of the nine year affair he had with another man would’ve been suicide especially with his family’s world views and political standings. They would’ve dragged him out and shot him where he stood, his words, and more than likely would’ve liked to hunt down and kill whoever he was with though that was more unlikely to happen.

He watched as some men covered the grave and the group started to dissipate little by little. There was a lot of hugging and a lot of crying but more importantly the man who Jelani had pegged as Sam’s son was looking towards the cemetery gate and at the tree more and more frequently. He’d been very clear about the time and the place and for a moment Jelani thought to walk away but he wanted to know why he wanted to talk to him. What could he possibly know and how? As a few stragglers stayed behind Jelani decided to go through with it. He sighed deeply as he reached into his shirt and nervously grasped the charm and took it off, the effect wore off instantly and he was left exposed in more than one way though he figured that feeling was more than likely due to the day’s events. He stepped away from the grave and leaned his back on the tree as he looked forward, completely avoiding the group. He looked out towards the town and the people passing by on foot or on horseback. All this time he was nervous about meeting with Sam’s son but it never occurred to him what he’d say to him once he met with him. A million different scenarios played out in his head, some were awkward, others were nonsensical, some were hostile. None of them ended in any good interactions which is why he reminded himself that he still had the pistol at the ready in case he needed to defend himself.

“Ingvarrsen?” A man’s voice whispered cautiously and Jelani froze, for the first time in hundreds of years he legitimately froze. His breathing had become stunted as he kept looking forward mostly to avoid looking at Sam’s son. At least that’s who he assumed was speaking to him, he knew of no one else in Pennsylvania that would know his name. As he regained his composure he slowly turned to see who had addressed him. It was a white man, he looked to be in his late thirties or early forties, Jelani was never that good at guessing people’s ages correctly. His short hair was sandy colored, eyes were hazel and hooded, he stood tall, probably six feet and two inches give or take one inch, he was slightly skinnier than Sam was at around that age but despite that he was the spitting image of Sam, down to the same reddish birthmark on the right side of his neck. The man was dressed completely in black which was a more than obvious observation but Jelani still made note of it, old habits die hard, especially in his line of work. The man seemed confused and a little guarded, like he wasn’t exactly sure Jelani was the one that he was supposed to meet and then he wondered if Sam told his son everything about him which made him a lot more nervous than he already was.

“Uh…are you Jelani Ingvarrsen?” Even his voice was similar to Sam’s.

Jelani looked him up and down, his skittishness was making him very nervous but there was something else there, something that told him that he wasn’t in any real danger.

“Ja, jeg er.”

“Oh!” The man perked up and smiled nervously as he relaxed his shoulders. “Um…do you speak English?”

“Yes.” Jelani answered, his tone and voice were somber and cautious.

“Okay, great. I’m afraid it’s the only language I know, my apologies.” The man let out a nervous and wry chuckle as he took a step forward relaxing a little more. As soon as he noticed Jelani hadn’t even cracked half a smile he cleared his throat and lowered his gaze, mostly to hide his own nervousness but to also alleviate the sting from realizing his not so clever joke hadn’t phased the man he had asked to meet. He straightened up and got to the point. “I’m Samuel’s oldest son. I was the one that wrote to you, to let you know my father had passed.”

“I was wondering if something had happened, his letters stopped coming. Thanks for letting me know what happened.”

“I sent the last letter he wrote to you,” The man quickly raised his hands when Jelani turned to look at him as if to ease him from reacting to what he said, “but don’t worry, I didn’t read it. I know those letters were very personal and…intimate. None of us knew about you, all we knew was that he had a close friend that he wrote to regularly. We never really knew anything about you or what you looked like. For years my mother tried to convince my father to invite you over to our home to visit, he would get nervous and a little short with her. Now I know why. I won’t stand here and make excuses for anyone, not even my own mother, my father tried to instill a sense of righteousness within me and my two other brothers but my mother came from a different stock and no matter how hard my father tried my mother’s upbringing rubbed off on them.”

“Not you though?” Jelani scoffed.

“No, sir. The only thing I’m having some trouble with is how a man that was friends with my father for more than forty-five years looks no older than a man in his early thirties, but I have been witness to some things that aren’t so easily explained. My fiance has a particularly nasty allergic reaction to the sun if you get my meaning.”

“Ja, I do.”

“I’m sorry you couldn’t attend the actual service or the viewing–”

“It’s fine, I’m not…very good at this sort of thing. I don’t really know if I should even be here.”

“He would’ve wanted you to be here. In his final hours all he wanted was to see you. He kept asking about you. He just wanted to see you one last time.”

“Faen.” Jelani cursed under his breath as he slammed the back of his head against the tree he was leaning on. It was hard enough knowing that Sam was gone and what was left of him was in a coffin a few feet away, but knowing that the last few minutes of life he had left were spent looking for him and wanting him to be the last thing he saw was something he wasn’t prepared to know. The fact that Jelani couldn’t have been able to see him hurt, it hurt about as bad as when they last saw each other all those years ago. He felt guilty about not being able to see him but at the same time he was glad he hadn’t been able to, he knew well enough that seeing Sam in his deathbed and seeing him go would’ve more than likely broken him in a way no weapon could. Yet he felt horrible that Sam was asking for him and he was none the wiser to his state. The day of Sam’s passing he’d been with Loke, Trevor, Angelus and some of the others celebrating and drinking. He was laughing and enjoying himself while Sam was so close to death and all he wanted was to see him one last time and Jelani couldn’t even give him that.

Jelani closed his eyes as he began to breathe heavily. Sam’s son lowered his gaze and immediately regretted telling him about his father’s last few minutes. He slowly turned to look at his father’s grave, his family and friends as well as anyone else that had attended had already left the cemetery, it was just him and his father’s friend who was clearly not doing well. He looked at him again and noticed his eyes were watery, basically on the verge of crying, and a forlorn look about them. He looked back at the grave and then back at him.

“I’m sorry,” He softly said, “I’m sorry you weren’t able to see him before he passed but, would you like to go on over and see him one last time? You know, in a way.”

Jelani looked at him and then at the grave. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to but he needed to. He looked back at Sam’s son and after swallowing hard he whispered, “Ja, sure…”

He led him to Sam’s grave and as soon as Jelani laid his eyes on it he began to quietly cry. He stared intensely at the headstone, reading the name on it over and over again as if it was some sort of mistake, as if Sam was still somewhere else and some other person had been buried in his stead. But that was his name and his date of birth on the headstone. Sam’s son looked around to see if the both of them were actually alone, there were no signs of his family and the closest group of people were probably twenty feet away. He had more to say and he realized it might be painful but he needed to say it, in his father’s last year of life he’d become his caregiver and the sole guardian of his father’s secrets. He looked towards his father’s grave and in a low and sympathetic voice he began to speak honestly.

“When his health began to decline he became very nostalgic, very somber. I caught him reading the letters you sent him. He read them every single day, dozens of them. He’d sit by the fireplace and would spend hours reading them. My brothers barely stopped by to check in on him, I moved back in to help him and tended to him and he started to open up to me.”

“I told him to get rid of those letters as soon as he was done reading them. That was dangerous.” Jelani expressed concern but not for himself. He was more than capable of taking care of himself but Sam was out of Oracle, when he left he made it very clear he wanted to cut all ties to the organization so as to not cause them any grievances. He declined any and all help, especially financial help. He never mentioned it but it was to avoid reminders of his time with who he considered the one and only love of his life. If he ever saw him again he’d risk it all to return to him and he felt that it would put him and everyone else in danger.

“He couldn’t part with them. He kept every single one under lock and key. He kept any item that had anything to do with you and guarded it with his life. I have never seen anyone that devoted to anything or anyone as much as he was to you, yes, a lot of information was omitted but he spoke about you all the time. You were the epicenter of his life. So much so that he named me after you.”

“He did what?” Jelani blurted out as he looked at the man standing next to him. Confusion had completely overtaken his face though the tears didn’t stop.

“Leifr.” Leifr chuckled as he looked at Jelani. “For obvious reasons he never called you by your first name, that would’ve sent my mother into hysterics and more than likely would’ve landed my father in trouble but he used your middle name. Up until last year I’d known you as Leifr and then Father told me the truth about himself and about you. It was nice getting to really know my father and who he loved; he saw that he could trust me and we spoke everyday. He told me everything.”

“Gods, I hope not.” Jelani looked at Leifr and both understood his reaction but the truth was that Sam had been confiding in his oldest son during his last year and Leifr wanted to be honest. Somehow pass on a message that his father never truly got to pass on.

“No, no, it was tasteful. He spoke about both of you as if it was this surreal love affair, the kind you only read about in books. I’m sure he did care about my mother but I’m aware that he wasn’t in love with her. He was in love with you until the day he died, probably still is, wherever he is.”

Jelani took a deep breath and looked back at the headstone, hearing those words was difficult for him. Leifr reached into his shirt and pulled out a necklace with a very familiar pendant on. He removed it and held the pendant in the palm of his hand. When Jelani looked down to see the Mjǫllnir pendant he’d given Sam he closed his eyes and looked away and began to cry silently again. He couldn’t believe he’d kept it for so long.

“Father was a Christian but this is what he wore around his neck every single day. Even if he couldn’t wear it openly this never left his side. Once, when I was a boy, I was looking through his belongings and I found it. I asked him about it but he said it was a gift from a friend. Then when I asked again he told me it was yours and that you gave it to him on the last day you saw each other. Ever since he passed I’ve not taken this off, not once. It’s as if a part of him and a part of you are in this, it’s a very warm feeling.” Leifr looked at the pendant and then at Jelani as he moved his hand closer to Jelani as if handing it back to him.

“Keep it,” Jelani said as he gently shook his head and sniffled, “He’d want you to have it.”

“Thank you.” Leifr put the necklace around his neck and lovingly tucked it into his shirt just as his father had done before him for years. In truth he was glad Jelani let him keep it, it was a reminder of who his father really was and of a part of him that he had to keep secret. If he was going to remember his father he wanted to remember every bit of him.

“I’m sorry for your loss.” Jelani said, his voice trembled at the end as he shed more tears.

“You mean our loss. This was as much a loss for you as it was for me.”

Leifr stepped closer and placed a hand on Jelani’s right shoulder. Jelani jumped a little at the feeling of someone else touching him without him expecting it but he wasn’t bothered by it. Leifr couldn’t help but shed some more tears as well, he thought he’d done his share of crying but finally meeting this friend of his father’s that he spoke of so fondly and so much during the years and then coming face to face with the truth of who this friend really was and seeing his reaction made Leifr remember all those late night talks with his father about his love affair he’d had some years before he was born. He remembered his father crying as he told Leifr of the night he and his lover said their last good-byes, how they held each other’s hands and embraced at the same time while kissing under the cover of night. How much he cried for days after he’d left. He remembered his face when he asked Leifr to send the last letter he’d written to him, he then placed his other hand in his coat’s pocket and felt for the very last letter Sam wrote to him. He carefully removed it from his pocket and held it with both hands, the envelope was heavy and thick, a five page letter addressed to Jelani.

“A few hours before he passed,” Leifr began as he handed the envelope to Jelani, “He wanted to write to you one last time, he wanted to let everything out. I am so sorry but by that time he could barely hold a pen, much less write so he dictated and I wrote it all down exactly as he said it. There are some extremely intimate and personal words in this letter along with something he wanted you to have. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine, I understand.” Jelani said as he grabbed the envelope. It was thick and heavier than the usual letters Sam used to send. As he held the envelope he felt an item move from inside it. The back was sealed with the usual pale blue wax seal. He always wondered why he used that same wax color, the same pale blue and as he looked at it it finally made sense. Sam was always going on about Jelani’s eyes, how enamored he was with the color of his eyes, how strange they looked. He always said they looked like ice yet they felt warm and comfortable. The wax seal made sense now and Jelani felt like someone had punched him in the chest hard enough to knock the air out of his lungs.

“I wish we could’ve met under different circumstances but I’m glad I finally got to meet you.”

“Yeah. He mentioned you and your brothers a lot. He was always proud of you all, especially you.”

Leifr slowly extended his hand towards Jelani and for a moment Jelani froze but he extended his and both shook hands. It wasn’t awkward, at least for neither of them, more somber and emotional than anything else. They both slightly smiled as best as they could given the circumstances in which they found themselves in. Leifr looked to the headstone and gave his father one last good-bye, he then turned to Jelani and smiled a little wider and made his way to the entrance of the cemetery. He was going to meet the rest of the family but he was in no hurry to do so, he just wanted to give Jelani a little privacy.

Jelani gripped the envelope close to his body as he stood over Sam’s grave. For a while he said nothing, he couldn’t say anything, he had no idea how to process what he was feeling. Part of him knew that Sam still loved him and that he was still in love with him but to hear Sam’s son confirm it felt surreal. Their only contact was through letters they wrote to each other over the years. Jelani had partially moved on but every time he got a letter from Sam it stirred old feelings within him, especially with the way Sam referred to him and each time a little more of that love sparked up. It wasn’t until Sam’s letters stopped that Jelani realized he hadn’t completely moved on as much as he thought he had. His mind went back to the last day they were together and of his regret of not telling Sam to go back with him, he was certain that if he’d asked him to he would’ve followed him to the ends of the Earth.

“Ha det bra, Sam…” Jelani whispered as he turned to leave the cemetery. As he reached the entrance he noticed Leifr was still there as if he had been waiting for him. If he was being honest with himself all he wanted to do was find a very deep and dark hole and crawl into it for the next few days but as he approached him he slowed down to see what else he had to say.

“Are you going to be alright?”

“Nei, I’m not, but I will be eventually.” He said honestly as he put the envelope that Leifr had handed to him in his coat for safe keeping. He wasn’t sure when he was going to read it, it certainly would take a while to muster up the courage to read it. “What about you?”

“I made my peace with this several months ago. It still hurts but like you I will eventually. Listen, uh, are you here with anyone else?”

“Nei, I came on my own.”

“Through Virginia and Maryland? I could take you there myself–it’s–it’s dangerous for you to be walking about by yourself.”

“Normally you’d be right but right now I really don’t care.”

“Well, I do and if he was still with us so would my father.” Leifr insisted and hoped Jelani would agree. He was right, his father would never let anything happen to him and he wanted to honor that. Part of him also hoped to talk to him more, get some more stories about his father out of him as well as make sure he got back home safe.

“I appreciate what you’re trying to do but I wouldn’t be very good company right now and I just need to be by myself for a while.”

“It’s not a good idea–”

“I’ll be fine.”

Both men parted ways after saying their good-byes, Leifr returned to his family and Jelani went to grab his horse, Thórir, from the place he’d spent the night. He had a long ride ahead but he was fine with that, he needed to decompress and somehow process what had taken place and he wouldn’t have been able to do that with someone else present. Not to mention that getting into a carriage with a, mostly unknown, white man seemed like a very bad idea and he’d never hear the end of it from his brother. His intentions seemed to be genuine but Jelani hadn’t lived to be that age by being careless. He also had the charm though if he was being honest with himself he didn’t want to wear it but it was there in case he needed it.

The journey back proved to be long and cathartic, his thoughts and memories overwhelmed him at times and at other times it was as if he couldn’t feel anything at all, like his chest cavity was empty. He spent a few hours completely zoned out when the realization hit him again and just as he thought he had no more tears to shed he found himself crying once more. Between the sorrow and the lack of feeling he wondered what it would’ve been like had he asked Sam to go back with him. Jelani was fully aware that Sam was not just in love with him, he was obsessed with him, in fact, he was very aware of it which is why neither of them had solidified their relationship regardless of how much Sam begged him. He knew there couldn’t be anything stable enough between them and that’s why he didn’t ask him to go back with him even though he wanted that more than anything else in the world at that time. He chose logic when he wanted to choose selfishness.

Once he reached Norfolk he was tired and spent both emotionally and physically. The only person he spoke to briefly was Loke because he knew his brother had been anxiously waiting for his safe return. Once he let him know he’d returned safely he made his way to his quarters for a much needed bath and for some more time to himself. He felt he wasn’t ready to face the rest of the world, much less answer a million questions other people might have about his whereabouts for the last few days. The few that had known Sam were aware of his passing when Jelani informed them and while they wanted to attend his funeral they knew most of them couldn’t. They also knew Sam wanted to cut ties with Oracle to avoid the organization getting unwanted eyes on them since he’d married into a family tied to politics. They knew the only one attending was Jelani for personal reasons and he was aware they’d ask him about it, he wasn’t ready to face any of them.

As soon as he was done bathing he got dressed and sat at the edge of his bed, the envelope was sitting on his nightstand. He wasn’t ready to open it, he couldn’t open it. He’d read the letter and realize there was no one to write back to, no one to answer to. As he stared at it he heard a gentle knock on the door but he stayed quiet hoping the person on the other side of the door would leave, he really wasn’t in the mood to entertain anyone.

“Lillebror? Er du der inne?” Loke asking if he was in his room.

“Ja. Gi meg et minutt.” Jelani answered. As usual the only exception to anything was his brother. He turned to look at the letter one last time before he stood up and went to open the door, he unlocked it, opened it slightly and stood back as Loke entered his quarters.

Loke closed the door and locked it as he turned to look at his brother. He looked so worn down and all Loke wanted to do was hug him and assure him that everything would be alright but he knew better than that. He knew it’d be a while before Jelani could feel any better so for now all Loke could do was be there for him because even though he hadn’t said it yet he knew he needed him. Both siblings stared at each other silently until Jelani sat on the bed and hunched over as the burning feeling in his chest returned. Loke sat next to him and leaned on him, he rested his face on his head and sighed deeply as he felt his little brother start to shake. How he wished he could take away his pain with one word or a hug but that’s not how it works, he was fully aware of that.

“Whatever you need,” Loke whispered, “I’m right here.”

“I know.” Jelani gasped, he sounded out of breath.

“Do you want to talk about it? That might help, lillebror.”

“There’s nothing to talk about…Sam’s dead. Met one of his sons, the one that wrote to let me know Sam had died. We spoke for a while and he told me a few things–things I wish he wouldn’t have told me.” Jelani went quiet for a minute as he gathered his thoughts. He said there was nothing to talk about and yet there he was talking about it. Loke had that effect on him. Didn’t matter what he wanted, as soon as he saw his older brother it was as if he was free to bear his wounds in front of him knowing full well he’d take care of them. “Apparently his health declined last year and he became bedridden. They spoke a lot during that year and Sam told him everything involving him and me.”

“Everything?”

“Nothing about Oracle, he kept it only about us.”

Loke sighed as he looked at Jelani. He looked so heartbroken and all he wanted was to make him feel better. Loke also felt saddened by the news of Sam’s passing. Yes, it was true that at some point he and Loke didn’t see eye to eye and in some instances they argued and even fought. Loke was worried about Sam getting close to his brother, since coming to the colonies Loke’s overprotective nature had tripled and knowing that Sam’s family were the type of people he was trying to protect him from turned him rabid. Loke and Sam spent years at odds; he eventually stopped giving Sam a hard time when he proved that he really did care and love his brother. His obsession with his brother seemed odd to him and even worried him a bit but he relented almost to the point where he and Sam could be in the same area without yelling at each other. It even got to the point where they even held civilized conversations with each other. Loke and Sam weren’t friends, but he knew Jelani cared about him and maybe even loved him so for his sake and happiness he backed off. He wouldn’t sit there and say that he felt nothing about Sam’s death, it was unfortunate and he felt some type of remorse, especially given Jelani’s reaction to the situation. He looked at his brother and tucked a bit of his hair behind his ear and with that same hand he slowly slid it to the back of his head and gently scratched. It was something he knew would calm him even if it was a little bit.

Jelani didn’t say anything, he just slightly leaned into Loke and rested his head on his chest all the while trying his hardest not to cry again, he was so tired of crying but he felt as if he wasn’t done, it would probably take a few days before he’d stop crying. There was a thought that had been circling his mind since he got the news of Sam’s passing. A thought he’d kept to himself for over forty years that not even Loke was privy to. A thought he buried and kept secret because if he indulged it he didn’t know how he’d cope with what it would bring. A secret he could no longer keep to himself.

“Do you ever regret Alfr?”

“Nei. It still hurts even centuries later but I don’t regret it. When you’re as long lived as we are and we get together with humans there’s a high percentage that they’ll die long before we do. If he hadn’t died in that raid we would’ve gotten married, had kids–lots of them–and eventually he would have grown into an old greybeard and eventually die regardless of any raid or attack and I’d still be here without him. It sounds horrible to say but after Alfr I swore off humans.”

“Makes sense.” Jelani whispered as he leaned in on Loke. Feeling the way he did he agreed with his brother’s statement. As a person that has lived for over nine hundred years it was wiser, in his mind, to stay away from humans. For someone like him fifty, seventy and even ninety years seemed far too short to him. It would snuff out in the blink of an eye just like Sam did.

“I don’t–I don’t regret Sam either. I know you didn’t approve of him, much less how obsessive he was but I liked that about him. Ja, Mehari did love me and I loved him but having someone so obsessed with you was…Det har jeg aldri hatt før. It made everything just so much more incredible. Even when I told him that I wasn’t in love with him he still stayed. All those years I kept telling myself that I wasn’t in love with him but that was just a lie I told myself to cope with not being able to have him around. The only regret I have is that I never told him I did fall in love with him.”

Saving said it out loud for the first time made him choke up and as he felt more tears build up he grabbed onto Loke and buried his face into his chest as he wept. Loke instinctively grabbed his little brother and hugged him tightly while resting his chin on his head. He never realized he felt that way about Sam and for so long.

“Det er greit…” Loke repeatedly whispered as he tightly hugged Jelani. He hated seeing him like that; his own heart was breaking apart seeing and hearing him cry so much.

“He was asking for me before he died and I couldn’t even be there for him.”

“Hey.” Loke quietly said as he pulled Jelani off him and cupped his face in his hands. As much as it hurt him to see him like that he needed to pull himself together to help him through that difficult time. Loke wiped away Jelani’s tears and gave him a small smile. “He knows you loved him and he knows that if you could’ve gone to see him you would’ve gone. I’m sorry about all of this and I’m sorry it’s hurting you so much but it’ll be okay. Det er greit, lillebror.”

“Jeg trenger deg.”

“Jeg vet. I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere, alright?”

“Ja…”

Loke leaned in and kissed him on his forehead and said, “I’m gonna go and get you some water, okay? I’ll be right back.”

Loke wiped his tears away again and gave him a small but reassuring smile as he stood up. He had some things planned for the day but he decided to cancel them, his one and only priority now was being there for his brother. Hearing him say he needed him as he cried sent a cold chill up and down his spine. As he opened the door he gave him another smile and left to get some water and something to eat as he was sure Jelani hadn’t eaten.

Jelani swallowed hard and then sighed deeply. He hated crying, not because of the act of crying but because it always left him feeling so vulnerable and raw like an exposed nerve inside a deep and bloody cut. As he tried to stop his crying he looked over to the nightstand and saw Sam’s letter. He reached out and grabbed it. He broke the seal and opened the envelope and saw the pages within it, he took them out and saw there were five pages. He casually looked down at them, at the first page and as soon as he saw that all too familiar ‘My dearest and truest love’ he closed his eyes as a whimper escaped his mouth. He began to hyperventilate so he opened the envelope to put the letters back in but froze when he saw something in the envelope.

He reached into the envelope and removed a gold pocket watch. He recognized it. It was Sam’s pocket watch that he always carried with him. He set the letters down on his bed and held the watch in his hands. He stared into it for a long time, it was only the gentle knocking at his door that brought him out of that hypnotic state. He put the letters and the watch back into the envelope and back on the nightstand, he couldn’t read them yet, not now that he was too raw.

“It’s open.” He sniffled.

Aleksey’s grandson, Angelus, peaked in through the opening of the door. His long champagne blonde hair swayed as he stood at the door and smiled at Jelani though his smile quickly faded as soon as he saw Jelani’s face.

“I heard you were back. I wanted to see you. Are you okay?”

“Nei, Valp, I’m not okay.”

“Can I come in?” Angelus asked sheepishly as he waited by the door.

“Sure.”

Angelus made his way into Jelani’s room and carefully closed the door behind him. He looked Jelani up and down and focused on his eyes, they looked glassy, red and puffy like he’d been crying. Angelus sat next to Jelani and both looked at each other for a while, just quietly taking in each other’s details. Jelani looked at Angelus while Angelus took in his scent.

“Jelani? What happened?”

“Friend of mine died. We were…close.” Jelani chose his words carefully, despite Angelus being forty-seven years old he had spent years catching up in terms of development and he wasn’t exactly sure how to explain to him a relationship like the one he and Sam had.

“I’m sorry. If you need anything or anyone to talk to I’m right here.”

“Takk, Valp.” Jelani thanked him, he looked away when he felt more tears building up.

Without hesitating Angelus wrapped his arms around Jelani and hugged him while resting his head on his shoulder. Jelani had been there for Angelus numerous times and while he knew he wasn’t very good at reassuring others or comforting them he’d try his hardest to comfort him. Jelani returned the hug and buried his face in Angelus’s shoulder as he began to weep again.

“I’m right here.” Angelus said as he leaned his head on his and tightened his hug.

#001022 #Jelani tag #Sam tag #Loke tag #Angelus tag #Oracle Corp #Oracle Corp tag

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