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windwardstar · 2 years ago

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that one t post

Since there's some of y'all who showed interested, here's the big rundown of my experiences with T. This covers being on T for 3 month at 26, stopping it for a few years, then the first 9 months of being on T at 28. Contains the changes that have happened while I’ve been on T + the interactions with my other health conditions + the process of accessing care. It’s safe for work/reading in public as far as any puberty/medical body talk is. Word count is ~8k.

T round 1 (2019 - I was 26)

If you followed me back in 2019, you might recall me getting on T at the end of that year.

I didn’t have a PCP and was in a very conservative state which made me concerned about finding a trans friendly provider, so I decided to go through Planned Parenthood knowing it was informed consent. The PP that had a gender clinic and was open on my day off was on the other side of the state/2 hour drive one way. But also, when I went to book an appointment they had one for the same week/the next day so I didn’t have to wait. I had insurance through my work that partially covered the visit, the lab work, and the prescriptions. This was out of network for my insurance so I paid more than if it was in network. My local pharmacy was the Sam’s Club which has $4 prescriptions for members- which is what I ended up paying as it was significantly cheaper than my insurance co-pay. (I did not get a prescription for a sharps container and bought one from the local store.) I got my supplies in 3 month batches and didn’t have any issues with the pharmacy.

At the appointment, I was given a big packet of “side effects” (aka the desired results) it included a handy chart of when certain changes would likely happen. My provider went over it with me to make sure I knew what to expect, and asked me a couple questions about my gender identity and transition goals to get a feel for me and make sure this was what I wanted. I was completely out at work and socially. I had very recently moved out of an abusive homelife and was catching my feet mental health wise, but I was in therapy at the time and on medications that had been as a consistent dose for about a year (aka: mental health problems were well controlled), so the doctor was comfortable prescribing me T. We decided to try weekly injections first to limit potential high/lows on a longer dose cycle.

The Labs for this provider were Initial Labs, 3 Months, 6 Months, Then Yearly. My 3 Month Labs hit right at the start of Covid Lockdown, I wasn’t able to get in for them (perpetually overlapping quarantines at work yo), the shift to telehealth hadn’t happened, and then I ran out of my psych meds (antidepressant and an antipsychotic/mood stabilizer) so my executive functioning skills went bye-bye for a while. So I couldn’t get my prescription renewed and had to stop T after like 3 months.

I took Testosterone Cypionate (0.25 ML, 0.50 MG) by Intramuscular (IM) Injections in my thigh once a week. The syringes had a twist on/off for the needles themselves (bigger one for the drawing up, smaller for the injection). They hurt a lot for me. I’d get a bruise around the injection site and the muscle would be very sore for 2-3 days after and hurt when I walked or used the muscle. It wasn’t enough to make me want to stop, but it wasn’t pleasant.

(Because of the long drive, the doctor didn’t have me come back for the first shot, just confirmed I was comfortable administering it myself and knew the process. She said if I ran into problems there were youtube videos I could look at or I could call.)

I did have issues with my needle phobia, but before getting to the part of actually seeking out access to T, I’d done a lot of work to manage it. The few years prior to starting T, I’d had to get a lot of blood drawn for lab work, several IVs, and quite a few vaccines which had helped me calm down so I was no longer having panic attacks around needles. The biggest thing that helped though was mental work and visualization. I started out just contemplating the concept of T injections in the abstract, then read posts with people talking about injections, looked at visuals of needles/syringes and people administering them. The last step was then thinking about giving myself injections and visualizing it. The whole time I tried to associate it with all the positive things I’d hoped to get from T and reminding myself the injections/ivs/blood draws of the previous years had all been perfectly fine and my anxiety was not reflecting what actually happened. (I also got a tattoo a month or so before I started T and after the initial anxiety I was mostly just fascinated by watching the tattoo gun, which was what really made me think I could do the T injections.) It took a long time to get to that point. When I started, I was only able to think about needles for a few seconds at a time. But I was able to give myself my first T shot with only a little anxiety (my hands shook a lot). And with each successful injection, the anxiety went down.

The Changes on T (1-3 Months):

Increased body hair. I noticed the hair on my thighs thickening and darkening around the injection sites, but not really much else. The peach fuzz on my face increased and I got a few dark hairs but there wasn’t really anything to shave. I think I shaved my face once because I wanted to not because there was anything to really shave…

Voice Changes: I sang quite a bit so I noticed that my lower register got fuller and the lowest end of my range got easier to access, but other than that there weren’t any vocal changes that I noticed. I didn’t get any voice breaking or cracking.

Bottom Growth: Yeah, there was some of that. Enough I noticed. Things also got very very sensitive and painful. OTC pain meds and ice packs helped. Loose clothes. Also manspreading.

Periods: They got lighter and less painful almost immediately, and I skipped one 3 months in. Then I ran out of T and got my period back the next month.

Acne: I didn’t get acne until the 3 month mark or so, but that also coincided with the start of wearing masks. It got really painful so I started using the OTC acne cream I used in high school, and it cleared up to something manageable once I was off T. (My teenage acne hit HARD at 13 and didn’t clear up until I was 24.)

Nightmares: The first month I started getting a significant increase in nightmares/remembering them upon waking up. This may have been because I had just moved into my own place and escaped an abusive environment, but my therapist at the time mentioned that nightmares were a common thing for people starting T (it is a big hormone change so y’know).

Other Changes: there may have been some, but it’s been a few years so I don’t really remember.

T round 2: 9 Months (2022 started at 28)

The goal was always to get back on T. It just took a while. Cross country move (liberal state now yo), new job, getting new insurance. Once I did, I had to figure out where to get T again. The planned parenthoods were all booked months out and none open for gender clinic stuff on my days off.

I went through my doctor’s office, found out they have a special gender health program for trans people and transferred care to them. I had to wait like a month to get an appointment, but it means my PCP/GP is versed in trans care and does all my hormones. The experience is fantastic. The whole office used my chosen name and pronouns before they got legally changed and had the ability to change the display name on my chart so everyone would use the correct one.

The initial visit was via phone. It was a lot of the same causal “tell me about yourself and your transition goals” as the last time. We skipped a lot of the “this is what t will do” since I already knew it, and folded it in with talking about my experience being on T previously, what I liked, what I hoped for, what I found difficult, etc. I was off the psych medications I had been on the last time, but since I’d been off for two-ish years and was stable, I was ok to restart T. We started me off on the same dose and frequency I had been on previously, but because the IM had been painful, we switched to SubQ.

I didn’t need any initial lab work done, but I’ve done them every 3 months after starting. I had to go in person to pick up my prescription (which I did the next morning after my initial telehealth visit, the pharmacist called the insurance to get the authorization & everyone there was super great) and meet with the nurse to administer my first shot. The doctor poked her head in to say hi in person.

My insurance covers the visits, lab work, and prescriptions. I did have to get prior authorization and have a letter from the insurance company stating my T prescription is approved for a year. I got a prescription for a sharps container this time since the stores did not have any on the shelves. (The pharmacy was out of the small ones too, so I ended up with the big gallon size. It takes up a ton of space under the sink, but it should last me several more years before I have to dispose of it.) My needles also just have a smooth pop on/off to attach to the syringe.

For the first six months, the depo was a 0.25ML/0.50 MG SubQ injection once a week. Because there were certain changes I wasn’t seeing, at 6 months my dose was increased to 0.40ML/0.80MG SubQ once a week.

The SubQ injections basically don’t hurt after I’ve injected them. A couple times I injected them too quickly (just sticking the needle in and pressing down on the plunger too hard and forcing the liquid in, then pulling the needle out immediately) and those are when I’ve noticed redness, swelling, and soreness around the injection site. So my process for minimal pain and bleeding: wait until I’ve got cool skin (not right after a shower), inject slowly, count to 10 before pulling out the needle. Warming up the vial in my hands so the T isn’t cold and making sure everything is dry from the alcohol swabs before injecting also helps with the initial injection pain.

The anxiety around needles has basically all disappeared so I have no issue giving myself injections.

(I have a problem with my T vials crystallizing. I’ve found they take ages to dissolve, so I stick them in a pocket/waistband to keep them warm against my skin for an hour or so as I go about my morning, shaking it every now and then to see how it’s doing. I do my shot on my day off when I generally have time to do that. This time it’s Fridays. Last time it was Wednesdays.)

I started T (again) in April 2022 at 28

(Idk how the math works on these changes when you start/stop/restart on T. I wasn’t able to find anything. Probably because there’s not enough data on it. Given the length of the break, the T levels in my system had definitely reset, and I hadn’t been on T very long previously. Some of my changes went faster than the expected timeline, some slower, some about the same. So know there’s a parenthetical +3 months to all of this.)

Voice Changes: I noticed a continuation of the pattern from the last time. My lower register got much fuller and easier. My upper range started getting harder to reach. Nothing cracking or breaking, but there were some notes I was struggling to reach by the time the choir concert rolled around in mid-May. I started off bordering soprano/alto and was clinging to the alto range before we broke for summer (1-2 months)

I caught COVID from work over Memorial day (~2 months in) and my voice cracked a bit. I went into COVID being able to talk, was sick for a week, and then when the Covid cleared my voice was fried. I sounded terrible talking. Singing wise, my lower range had extended and my upper had come down, but I was still easily able to slip into my head voice.

Started Summer Choir at the end of June. I spent the first few weeks feeling like the songs were a little low for my range. Then things shifted again (~3months) and my singing range shrank to about 3 notes, I could not reliably open my mouth and make a sound, my breath control disappeared. I had one volume I could sing in, no going louder or softer or the sound would disappear. I sounded like a squeaky clarinet. (I did a very good seagull impression.) It was terrible and I loved every minute of it because it was so euphoric. I didn’t sound like a girl. I was firmly in the Tenor range. I was experiencing the puberty I’d always wanted to. (It was hard to tell with the first drop since it happened while I had COVID, but the second time my voice really cracked, I also had a really dry and sore throat.)

Enter August (~4 Months) my range was starting to re-expand. The low notes/chest voice coming back first. I was also figuring out how to make noise with the new instrument, because speaking and singing is all muscle memory. Which meant everything I knew previously was basically irrelevant at best and counter productive at worst. My brain would know how to produce a note on my pre-t vocal chords, so it would try to do what it had done before and either a) nothing would come out because my vocal chords are no longer capable of producing those notes or b) it would come out but be much lower. (I’m still working on retraining this 9 months in. My mental voice and physical voice do not match. I still think I sound like my pre-t self. Like, the thinking voice in my head sounds like my pre-T voice, it hasn’t dropped yet. Which makes singing difficult because I don’t know intuitively how I sound now. I have to adjust once I start making noise.) I was able to make my way through the concert at the end of August, but there were things too high for me since I wasn’t able to access that part of my range yet.

September/October/November/December (month 5-8) my singing range continued to expand and stabilize, the lower notes got much easier, volume control came back, my breath control returned with practice, and some access to my head range. My voice fatigues easily, but that’s getting better too. The vocal fry/clarity of my voice is getting better as well. I had to stop multiple times per rehearsal over the summer, but by December I was able to make it almost the whole rehearsal before reaching my limit. I do not have a smooth transition between notes and get stuck in low gear so to speak. Pre-t my favorite things to sing were songs where I jumped around my entire range. I miss that flexibility, but there are new things to enjoy singing now. I’m also only 9 (+3) months in, and my voice is going to continue to develop. My goals right now are just to continue exploring my singing voice as things change, and to try and get my brain to match what the new pipes can do.

(January 1st, Month 9 (aka today while I was waiting to do a final round of edits on this post) I had a moment where things finally clicked into place for my singing voice. I was singing while doing the laundry, and I was just able to actually sing without feeling any strain. It felt easy and natural coming out. I had to focus on what I was singing to a degree, but not to the exclusion of doing other activities. The sound didn’t crack or disappear on me, and I didn’t run out of breath mid phrase. I was able to actually sing. It was also a moment where I was able to hear my voice and think “this is what I sound like, this is my voice” as opposed to the transitory state it’s existed in since I first started noticing changes. It’s also just a sense of feeling completed and right. I cried, and there was joy, but the predominant emotion was just feeling that things had finally aligned into where they were meant to be and an overwhelming settling peace.)

My biggest thing right now is just how much more air it takes to make sound, speaking or singing. My laugh has turned from a giggle to just blowing air out through my teeth or a bunch of kekekekeke where the sound is from my tongue stopping the air rather than my vocal chords making noise. Singing, I am having to breathe much more frequently than before. Speaking, I sometimes don’t do enough air and sound doesn’t come out. I go nonverbal A LOT more than before because the physical act of speaking has become harder. That initial start up to making noise is sometimes more than my brain can figure out in the moment.

My speaking voice has also changed a lot. The pitch has dropped, it’s gotten much rougher, but I tend to speak in a very femme manner. People have definitely noticed it’s dropped, but it sounds more “cold/laryngitis” than “guy.” People have definitely started reacting differently when they hear me speak over the phone, but I’ve yet to get any comments and it’s not been enough to keep strangers from misgendering me. I have the ability to sound like a guy, there are times when I am relaxed and can hear it come out. The bulk of how my speaking voice sounds is from how I’m using it. I sound like a girl to others because of all those aspects of speech that have nothing to do with how high or low it is. (Aka sounding like a guy at this point for me is about technique not physical ability. This is where speech therapists would be useful.) My dysphoria over my voice has essentially disappeared. I love my voice now, and I’m filled with so much excitement over seeing what else unfolds with it as I get used to it and how to use it.

Acne/Skin Stuff: First off, Puberty 1.0 gave me terrible acne. It set in at like 13. Regardless of what I did as a teenager, I was unable to really control it. I had products but they didn’t really work and my mother wouldn’t get me to a dr for it. My skin was dry and oily. It would crack and peel and bleed and had reactions to every product I put on it. It got better in my twenties and was mostly gone by the time I was 24. It came back when I started T the first time + Covid Masking at 26. But by that point I’d found an acne cream + lotion combination of products that kept things almost clear.

I expected to have acne bad again on T because that’s just what my body does with hormones. By the end of the first month the acne was back. It progressed to being painful cystic acne by 3 months. I told my doctor and got a prescription cream. I’m meant to use it twice a day, I did at first, but it made my skin too dry, so I use it mostly once a day (generally after I’ve showered). I use it + a plain lotion for moisturizing/keeping things from getting too dry. I still have pretty bad acne, my face is red and skin is perpetually breaking out. But it’s not painful, and that’s my biggest goal with controlling acne. Especially because I react very strongly to products on my skin.

My acne still gets worse around my periods, so I know a lot of it is hormonal stuff going on. There’s some slight increase in body acne, but nothing that I even have to put cream on as it’s not painful and goes away on its own. The acne usually appeared in spots where hair was growing in for like a week or so while the hair started growing in thicker/darker.

The rest of my skin also got super oily. And I got super sweaty. And smelled funky for a little while. Previously I showered and washed my hair every other day because that was the balance of keeping my scalp happy. My skin also couldn’t handle more than that as it would get too dry and crack even with lotion. 1-2 months in, I was showering every day, over the summer (~3-6 months) I was showering once in the morning and once at night (mostly because sweat, but also smell) and washing my hair every day. I did not really experience any dry skin. Somewhere around the 7 month mark, that all decreased. 9 months in, I’m showering every day (with an extra shower if I get gross) and still have no problems with dry skin on my body.

The T has affected my scalp*. I started reacting to the shampoo I’d been using for years about a month or so into starting T. I switched to a different shampoo that worked for the most part, but then started causing problems about 7-8 months in. I’m currently trying a new shampoo + washing every other day or so, and hoping it works. This is getting brought up at my next appointment either for medicated shampoo or a referral to the derm if the current shampoo doesn’t work. *I don’t know if it’s causing a reaction to the products, or if there’s some interplay of the increased oils + increased sweat + my hair being wet for longer + more washings causing more dryness and more irritation + the hair dryer causing more irritation. All I know is my scalp is hurting and I am trying to figure out why + what I can do to make it stop.

Aka: I had terrible acne during puberty 1.0. Puberty T.0 is running about the same in terms of getting acne, but I’m able to manage it so much better because I’ve a) found a lotion I can apply to my face to help with the dryness and b) got a doctor to prescribe acne cream that actually helps. I’m having worse scalp problems now though, but working to manage them.

Facial Hair/Body Hair/Head Hair:

I started getting dark hairs on my chin first. It was within the first 3 months. It also coincided with the acne. Because my skin is so sensitive and the acne was so bad, I decided to use an electric razor since it doesn’t cut as close and tends to result in fewer nicks and cuts and ingrown hairs. I would not have been able to use a razor without cutting myself at the start. I also tend to react to shaving cream so the electric razor allowed me to not have to figure that aspect out too. I started off every few days, then every other day. Somewhere around 6 months I started needing to shave every day to keep the stubble away. If I have a few days off in a row I’ll skip the shaving so I can see what it looks like, but I shave clean if I have to work.

I’m not really sure when the body hair started growing. I noticed the leg hair on my thighs started growing in a little thicker and there was a bit more hair on my belly 4-5 months in (mostly because the bandaids from my shots started hurting when I pulled them off lol.) At 9 months I’ve noticed the hair on my arms and thighs has gotten darker and a little thicker, and my belly has gotten a lot more dark and thick hair, and there’s some chest hair appearing. I want to say somewhere around 6-7 months, I really started noticing the body hair and getting euphoric and happy about getting fuzzy. (Idk about lower leg hair since I frequently shave it due to wearing compression socks and finding them sensory hell and painful with leg hair.)

(Also got more hair on the butt and the butt crack, which was making getting clean after pooping during colitis flares difficult. Solution I’ve found is shaving/trimming that area (you know how it works with long-haired cats and dogs?) and using wet wipes if needed.)

One thing I did notice for both my facial hair and body hair, is that my skin would get mildly itchy the week or so before I started noticing more hair growing, and would continue for that first week or so + there tended to be some ingrown hairs during that stage. It was rather similar in feeling to what my underarms or legs feel like when I shave them and the hair starts to regrow. The itchiness is pretty mild for me so I didn’t really do anything about it.

The spot I inject the T got darker thicker hair first. And by spots I mean like the circle immediately around the injection sites was noticeably darker and hairier than the surrounding body part. It’s evened out on my thighs since my SubQ are in my belly, and the belly is starting to even out 9 months in.

Head hair. It’s started thinning up top right around my part, and on the sides of my temple. Really only noticed it starting at the 8 month mark. I’m currently in the process of trying to figure out if this is related to the scalp issues (since they can cause hair loss) and reversible, or the permanent slow march of time kind of balding. I really like having long hair. It’s fun. I haven’t cut my hair (which would improve my chances of passing as a guy or at least not getting consistently gendered as a girl) because I like my hair. I want to keep it.

I know finasteride and minoxidil are both things that can be used to treat it. I’m hesitant to use finasteride since it blocks DHT and I want the effects of that more than I want to keep my long hair. I’m worried about minoxidil exacerbating my scalp problems and causing more hair loss.

I’m contacting family to find out more information about family history of hair loss (including the ones where there were auto-immune skin conditions that caused it) and will talk with the doctors to figure out what the best option for me is.

I was a lot more anxious about the potential balding when I first noticed, but after a couple months to process it I’m not as alarmed as I was. If I do go bald though, I like the idea of getting tattoos. It’s also something that hopefully will be slow enough that I’m not gonna lose everything right away and can still enjoy having long hair for a while. But also you know the meme, if you can’t produce your own, store bought is fine. Wigs do exist.

Muscles, Fat, and the whole Musculoskeletal Shit

My timeline on this is a little blurry. Mostly because I’ve always built muscle easily and been rather buff just through having jobs that require some level of physical labor. I’ve also got hypermobile joints + low back pain from falling down stairs in 2019 + chest, rib, & shoulder pain from binder (haven’t been able to bind since pre-pandemic) and bra. So my focus on/awareness of physical ability was less on ease of strength and more on whether or not I had pain that made breathing/movement difficult. I’m going to guess it was easier to build muscle fairly early since I did notice some other changes that would track with things being affected.

So first thing I noticed was that my hips weren’t as prone to slipping out of place as usual and the days where they were painful decreased as well as the level of pain. It got to a point where I basically wasn’t having hip pain except around my period (pre-T the pain would get worse around my period, this is a continuation of the existing pattern). I’m not sure if I noticed this by 3 months, but I did by 6 Months. My guess is that the T strengthened the connective tissues and helped build muscle to hold everything in place. When I did a lot of walking and fatigued my leg muscles, the hip pain would get worse pre-T, but now I don’t really notice that at all 9 months in. If I get sore after movement, it doesn’t knock me out for several days. I still have to be careful about how I’m sitting and sleeping as the joints can still get knocked out of place that way. But also, the threshold for pain happening is much higher and I have fewer days of it. I’ve also only had to use my cane a handful of times since starting T.

My rib/chest pain got less severe at some point… I know I’m able to tolerate wearing my bra all day without feeling pain most of the time. That shift happened some time over the summer. So 3-6 months. (This was because my body finally managed to heal from the injuries from binding and the stress injury from using the deli slicer 2-4 hours a day at work in 2018.)

My back pain has kind of been figuring out what makes it worse and better. It’s gotten better overall over the past 9 months, but idk how much I can attribute that to T and how much is just figuring out what makes it worse and not doing that.

I’ve also noticed a significant decrease in flexibility. To the point I can stretch muscles I’ve never been able to stretch before. I can stretch my muscles without hyperextending joints. I started to resume a lot of the stretching I stopped in 2018 because whatever support my joints now have is enough that I don’t risk being too bendy to hold them all in place. My hands basically don’t dislocate/sublux any more, and the pain in them is gone. My grip strength has never been better. I can open water bottles without fucking up my fingers. (Aka T has definitely helped with the hEDS.)

My skin has also gotten thicker and less prone to getting cuts. If you follow me, you probably saw the post I made about the changes on that, but basically, my skin is tougher. It doesn’t get cut up as easily and I don’t bleed as easily. My mouth doesn’t get cut up as much by rough foods like toast and cereal and brushing and flossing doesn’t cause bleeding and tearing (no gum health issues this is just hEDS stuff, although I also notice the sensitivity of my gums fluctuate with my period), I don’t get papercuts as easily, sewing is a lot less bloody. This has made it slightly harder to put the needle through my skin for the T injections, it used to go in completely painlessly but somewhere around 6 months it started pinching a bit.

I also have a little adam’s apple now! Which I wasn’t expecting since I’m nearly 30 and I figured things wouldn’t shift too much. I started noticing it grow 3 months in or so when I would touch my throat and it slowly got just a bit bigger. 9 months in there’s something visible in my throat when I talk or swallow, just a tiny visible bump but it’s more than it was before! It also tends to sit REALLY high in my throat, which I know is also part of the problem I have with my voice being high and strained. I have a couple vocal exercises that lower it and my voice and reduce strain. But also this was one of the things I wanted but was realistically not expecting to get so !!!

As far as muscle and fat (re)distribution and such, I noticed somewhere around 4-5 months that when I looked in the mirror after showering so a) i didn’t have my glasses on and things were hella blurry and b) the mirror was somewhat fogged, I had a more masculine look. When my hair covered my chest (it was waist length at that point) there was just enough shifting of things to look masc. (My boobs have gotten somewhat flatter/deflated. Around my period I definitely get a feeling that they’ve gotten bigger/swelled back up.)

Body wise, my shoulders have always been broad, and the ratio of tiny waist to huge hips has always been a source of dysphoria for me. There’s nothing T is gonna do about the underlying bones, but I have noticed my hips and thighs slimming down somewhat / my waist filling out. It’s changed my silhouette away from the hourglass and into something more masculine. It’s helped greatly with my dysphoria when I see myself in the above sink/counter level mirrors. (Full body mirrors/reflections are still hello dysphoria hips.)

My shoulders also got slightly broader, my neck thicker, and my feet got slightly larger. I know for sure around 5-6 months, as I pulled out my long-sleeves for winter and the ones that had been tight and with no stretch the previous year were too tight to wear comfortably. I also pulled out my performance clothes which I hadn’t worn since month 2 on T, and had to let out the collar on my bowtie by a solid inch and get new shoes as the previous ones were too tight (again I’m almost 30, my feet bones didn’t grow but I did have to go up a shoe size). I had thought around 4-5 months that my neck was getting thicker since it didn’t look quite as stick-like. Around that time my face also started looking a little swollen around the jawline. It may have been puffiness or just things shifting around. I’m faceblind so I don’t know if my face has changed, just around that time looking at my face made me think the jaws looked a bit like my sister’s did a week after getting her wisdom teeth removed. Whatever puffiness I saw then, I don’t notice now though.

Idk if I’ve gained or lost weight since I don’t own a scale and don’t actually pay attention to that because it’s not actually important. Shrug emoji.

Periods & Bottom Growth:

If you’ve read this far you’ve probably guessed my periods didn’t stop early this time. As I stated, the first attempt at T, they stopped three months in. My third period came two weeks early this time when I caught COVID. We increased my dose at 6 months because my periods hadn’t stopped. My 8th period happened a week late. This month for the 9th I’ve gotten some light cramping and joint pain (but another week or two will tell if it’s stopped).

I did notice by 6 months the pain/cramping and other things associated with my period were less. (The flow decreased somewhat and the cramps were less severe. I was able to still walk and function with the OTC pain meds, and I had to take fewer for a shorter time frame to get relief. My blood pressure didn’t tank as drastically, so I wasn’t at risk of passing out every time I stood up on the first few days of my cycle each month. I didn’t get chills and shaking. I still get increased acne, bloated, migraines, and my joints all get loose and painful.)

(Outside of my period, my POTS has also drastically improved. Around 7-8 months, all I really started to notice is the tachycardia. The blood pressure problems aren’t forcing me to sit down to avoid passing out, my low blood pressure migraines have mostly disappeared, and my heat intolerance has drastically decreased. The heatwave in 2018 is what ended up with me in the hospital. I made it through the heatwave this year without too much difficulty. I still get migraines when I get too hot, and get weak and exhausted, but I recover within a day rather than a week. My migraines have tons of triggers, but overall I’ve gotten fewer of them since starting T. The only trigger that’s increased in causing them is my low blood sugar.)

Bottom growth has happened!!! I was ambivalent to slightly apprehensive about this part prior to starting the last time, but discovered pretty quickly I was actually really on board with it. For a while this time I was worried starting/stopping/restarting T meant I wasn’t getting any this time around. But the past month or so (month 9) has given me indications it was just taking a while to happen (like my periods not stopping 3 months as previously). This time, I haven’t experienced much in the way of pain + too much sensitivity, but the sensitivity has really increased in the past couple weeks so that may start again as well.

Appetite & blood sugar :

The increased appetite has probably been my biggest most noticeable thing in my day to day life and the only thing that has actually caused me distress (as opposed to annoyance and irritation with the acne). I noticed pretty quickly an increase in my appetite. This brought back problems with my blood sugar just crashing (and tanking my blood pressure with it) that I’d had while growing up. I would also wake up hungry in the middle of the night. 3 Months in it was the biggest change I noticed.

6 months in I was up to eating every two hours, waking up twice at night, and if I skipped one my body would get ravenously hungry and would have headache and shaking. But I was also getting more used to the routine so I got better about keeping food on me and my blood sugar didn’t crash as often/as severely. My grocery budget effectively doubled so that was yikes to my bank account. I also couldn’t get full or stay full. I was constantly hungry. Since I had a history of food insecurity as a kid, the constant feeling of hunger was distressing and started making my anxiety and ptsd get worse.

(There is a link between testosterone levels and blood sugar. Most of the data is on cis men. But the little information packet that comes in the box of my testosterone vial includes: In diabetic patients, the metabolic effects of androgens may decrease blood glucose and therefore, insulin requirements. Presumably, the doctors know to monitor this with diabetic patients and to mention it to them. But also, a reminder to read all the paperwork you’re given because neither of my prescribers mentioned this aspect to me, even when I mentioned having problems with my blood sugar dropping.)

9 months in, my appetite has decreased to pre-T levels which also coincided with getting heart burn/acid reflux for a solid week and a half. I’d never had a problem with that before, but I was also eating/drinking and then immediately laying down (aka eating right before bed and a midnight snack) for like six solid months, which is a big clue to the cause. The biggest surprise there is that it took six months to become a problem. I’ve been mindful of staying upright after eating and after a few days the problem went away.

Dysphoria, Mental Health, Mood and Energy;

T has been fucking amazing. Like. It’s fantastic and I’m thriving and have never felt so stable and capable of handling life. I can’t attribute everything to T because I’ve done a lot of work on my own mental health and my living situation improving (moving away from abusive family, getting engaged with friends and community, fulfilling job) but its positive impact on my mental health and general mood is undeniable.

My dysphoria is so much less than it was before. I love my voice now, I am starting to remember what it feels like to be comfortable in my body. There’re still a bunch of things that are dysphoria inducing that will take more time or surgery (top, hysto, bottom) to change and relieve, (and when I am reminded about the dysphoria inducing things like boobs and people misgendering me as a girl, it feels terrible and I want to crawl out of my skin). But the entire experience of being on T has been a daily blessing of euphoria as everything happens.

I used to joke that you knew trans people were really trans because who else would willingly go through puberty a second time. Puberty 1.0 had been soul destroying terrible. I hadn’t had a single positive experience from it. Everything about puberty 1.0 had made me hate my body more and the changes just kept getting worse. I couldn’t imagine anyone willingly going through that a second time. Somehow despite knowing I wanted all the changes T would cause, my brain didn’t make the connection that I’d like the process aka puberty 2.0. I’d figured I’d suffer through puberty again and in the end I’d have a body I liked and was comfortable in, so it’d be worth all the suffering of puberty.

I was terribly wonderfully wrong. The first time I was on T, I didn’t really notice a ton of changes, but even the small ones I did I liked. It wasn’t terrible. And then, I was off T and the strength of my desire to get back on T and go through those changes was a physical ache. The past 9 months have been full of joy and excitement. Every little change I’ve noticed has made me happy and been something I loved to find. (Barring the acne, and hunger, and potential hair loss.)

Puberty 2.0 is so powerfully positive for me. I love it, and it’s letting me love my body.

My mood is a lot more stable than it was. With my dysphoria lessened, I’m not constantly feeling shitty about that which overall helped my mood. I’m not as depressed (and when I am, it’s so much more mild than before). My mood tends to be either in a stable state or hypo/manic. But there’s no irritability or violence or any of those fear mongering things. T didn’t suddenly change me into the TERF and bio essentialist’s boogey man. T doesn’t change your personality. If you have anger issues on T, you likely had them before. (Also I really want to stress this because I saw warnings about T and bipolar disorder for years: T did not make me irritable or angry or violent. It hasn’t changed the profile of my mood disorder to include symptoms that were never present.)

(As for crying. I don’t cry out of frustration or anxiety as much--which is likely because my mental health has improved and I’m not pushed into those strong negative emotions as often. But I tear up just as easily when I see heartwarming news stories or videos of puppies or see something heartbreaking on the news. I haven’t been cut off from health emotion, or healthy crying.)

Energy wise, I have so much more energy than I did before. I’ve managed to wake up easily all winter rather than take an hour to drag myself out of bed every day. I can work a 12 hour shift, and/or not take a nap and be fine with 8 hours of sleep (or less) at night. I can run around and do things on my days off. I have enough energy to function. I don’t have to have an entire day off just to sleep (although I still enjoy a good afternoon nap and sleeping in).

I don’t notice my energy level fluctuating with my shot (I do weekly injections to avoid my levels fluctuating and causing other things to do so as well), but I did notice my energy levels increased within the first month. But! There’s also a lot of other things going on that are affecting my improved energy levels. Some of this might be because I actually started taking a vitamin d supplement (and I definitely notice less energy when I forget it). The lessening of my dysphoria has freed up a lot of mental energy for other things, the lessening of my dysphoria has lessened my depression* which gives me more energy, the reduction in joint pain + other chronic pain means I’m not constantly having that low drain on my energy and resting better at night, and the reduction in POTS symptoms means I’m not having that massive daily drain on energy reserves.

(*I’ve noticed an increase in energy at my stable baseline, and an increase in the sustained energy while hypo/manic from my pre-T mood cycles without an associated increase in the severity of other symptoms. My depressive moods have reduced in length and severity because there aren’t as many things fucking triggering me during them (which can also be attributed to the better living conditions and social connections, since I noticed this prior to restarting T), but I also have an increased energy during them as well. Which all tracks with the physical conditions improving and no longer draining my energy as much.)

(I still notice when my blood sugar drops, I get my period, or I have an anxiety attack that my energy levels for the day drop accordingly. But I’m also quicker to bounce back to my new baseline. My anxiety has more or less stayed the same. Also randomly feeling tired has become a much more reliable migraine aura because now being tired tends to have an easily identifiable cause.)

As I mentioned in the appetite section, there has been some downsides to my mental health while on T. The constant hunger was triggering for me, but since I'm in a stable environment and have money for food, it’s something I’ve been able to work through. I’ve also experienced more nightmares since being on T, especially around when I first started and when my dose was increased (biggest changes in hormone levels). But the nightmares also increased in general, which I also want to attribute to having more energy while on T. Before T I had a tendency to be so utterly exhausted I didn’t dream and/or I woke up too frequently during the night due to joint pain/needing to reposition that I didn’t complete sleep cycles and wasn’t dreaming/having nightmares. (The biggest argument for this is also that I’m straight up actually having non-nightmare dreams now too. I rarely had dreams and/or remembered them before. I get them decently often now. Which is nice! Dreams can be fun! And weird. Dream logic does not make sense upon waking up.)

“Passing” / How people perceive my gender / General Reception

Gender is a party and transitioning is the grab bag. I’m basically completely on board all the physical changes T is making to my body (bar the acne and the balding). Presentation wise, I lean heavier into the men’s clothing than the women’s and would prefer to be read as a guy rather than a girl if people gotta gender me, but I’m not a guy and not actually interested in passing as a guy. So I don’t put any effort into passing as a guy. Being my authentic self and transitioning into my nonbinary genderqueer gender basically means I do what I’m comfortable with and just vibe (until someone misgenders me and then I dark side dysphoria vibe).

Basically for those keeping track: I have long hair, I shave clean (and wear a mask anyway), my boobs are still visible (can’t bind), my hips are still a thing, and my voice sounds mostly like I have a cold (lower but with girly customer service inflections). My chosen/legal name is still femme. I’m also 5ft/160cm and relatively small. I dress in men’s clothes for the most part. Strangers still assume I’m a girl. Even in trans friendly spaces I get she/her’ed by default.

(I’m out to management at work but very few others. There’s been maybe one person who might have noticed something. Most people I interact with through work--if they notice anything-- notice my voice change. But all the comments I’ve gotten indicate they think I’ve strained my voice from singing, have a cold, or it’s related to my breathing problems. (I had to wear a mask/scarf outdoors before covid due to the cold making it impossible to breathe, same with smoke. Also I caught COVID right before my voice cracked so…))

As I said, I don’t bind and my hair is long and don’t try to pass as a guy, so it makes sense I won’t. I’m sure if I had short hair and didn’t have visible boobs the default gendering by strangers would shift to a different percentage of girl vs guy vs awkward pause as they guess. So if you’re wondering how long it’ll take you to pass as a guy or confuse everyone, I’m not gonna be too helpful. But if you were concerned about being able to hide being on T/keep your transition on the DL until you’re ready to come out, you can definitely do it, just come up with some excuse for your voice because people will notice that.

Congrats I guess if you’ve read this far. Hopefully this was helpful and/or informative. The TL;DR of it is that the bulk of the changes kicked in somewhere between 3-6 months and are gonna continue for another good while. It’s having a lot of positive effects on my various health conditions (POTS, hEDS, migraines). I’m having a blast with everything that’s happening and am delighted by puberty 2.0. The drawbacks are just kind of inconveniences (and aside from potential balding, seem entirely temporary) and are nothing compared to the overwhelming joy and euphoria of slowly getting to exist more comfortably in my skin.

if you've got questions, feel free to ask. Just know depending on the question and whether or not I even know who you are will influence if I answer it or block you.

tagging myself so i can reblog if i need to @owlsofstarlight

#tag for me #also wow this post got long #and took forever to write and edit up #i apologize if it's hard to follow #but also don't complain if its too long i'm not forcing you to read it #the big t post #t timeline

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winterswhite · 2 years ago

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Personal rant, CW for talks of blood and medical stuff

The past 5 days have really been so much for me and it... seriously doesn't feel like only 5 days at all with how much has gone on

On Wednesday evening I got home from work feeling extremely weak after telling my QPP repeatedly that I don't feel good, and after I was no longer able to hold my head up or open my eyes without extreme effort my roommate took me to the emergency room where we waited 9ish hours for me to even be taken to a bed and then one or two more to be seen

When they did get there, they said they needed to take blood, give me an IV, do chest x-rays, and a few other tests (I think they tested me for a stroke too) because clearly a lot was wrong

The nurse tried to put the IV in my left arm and then my hand, failing both times because she couldn't find a vein. She then called over a second nurse, who said since I had already been poked twice, she wasn't going to poke me unless she was sure she had one

She left without poking me.

She called over a doctor to come with a whole ass ultrasound setup to use that to find a vein, and they only found a suitable one in my upper right arm, meaning I had to hold it up at an uncomfortable angle the entire time and because of where it was, it also hurt the entire time (only a little, but still)

They also interrupted it in the middle to take more blood ("well that can't be good")

Also, while they were putting the IV in, I remember them struggling to reach the vein, and the pain from them wiggling it around trying to reach my difficult ass vein, and then hearing "how attached are you to this sweatshirt?"

I had... bled all over it (fortunately they stopped the bleeding pretty fast, very different from my last experience with an IV where I nearly bled out on the hospital floor)

Anyway, after wanting to cry from how uncomfortable the whole experience was but eventually managing to sleep through the last half hour of it, they told me about my bloodwork, and a lot is wrong! Some of the things that have always been wrong with me, and some new things, like low thyroid and low potassium, low sodium etc

They scheduled me for a follow-up appointment in a week and I leave, it is now Thursday morning

I picked up the meds they prescribed me and got home around noon, exhausted from not having slept all night, and napped

Only to wake up to a terrible toothache out nowhere, that at its worst was so bad I couldn't lift a finger

I ran to the dentist but they were closing by the time I got there and told me to come back the next morning

I did, and they said I need an emergency root canal, but that it would be hard to find any endodontists who take my insurance, which... yeah, it proved to be impossible

So now, today, I'm scheduled for the root canal, and I have to pay for the whole $1500 out of pocket

Which I haven't reached, but... I'll have to see what I can manage now

Also, through all of this, my workplace is telling me it's "unacceptable" not to show up to work because they're short-staffed. As if I wasn't stuck in the fucking hospital. I worried about getting fired, because I need that money to pay for the fucking root canal and I hadn't even received my first paycheck, so I went in to work yesterday, but wasn't able to finish a full day of work because I felt like Shit

They still told me they need a doctor's note specifically stating that I can't work for x number of days (even though I gave them my emergency room discharge papers to prove I was unwell) before they could believe that I was actually not feeling well enough to work

So I guess I'm going to ask the fucking endodontist for one

And this cuts into my funds for my trip to take the JLPT and some other things in June, which I also really need so I can get a better job. It is absolutely necessary that I take this trip, but I'll no longer have the money for it yet, and travel costs only go up as you get closer to the date of, so lol.

Anyway. It has not even been 5 full days since I first went to the ER. I need a fucking break.

#anposting #/rant

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dreamfaerye · 1 year ago

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So I got a new primary and she convinced me to try an injectable instead of pills for my type 2 (got diagnosed a few months back).

I'm absolutely terrified of needles. I have issues swallowing pills but still preferred it to getting a shot....so I thought. She filled it for a month, just to test it out. I was in her office, comparing the needles. 😂 She wanted to do Mounjaro but my insurance said no, so she did Ozempic. Super expensive, even with my insurance but I found this savings card that took an additional 75% off.

I had it for a few days before I bit the bullet. I was scared but I did it! And of course, it didn't hurt while taking the shot. It didn't hurt till after I pulled it out and ran my hand over the area cause I couldn't tell if I did it or not. It's been a day and I see/feel no adverse effects and that spot doesn't hurt. I'm relieved because if I couldn't do it, I was going to a whole other state to have my mama or sister do it 😂 (I live in KS, they live in MO, literally 30-40 mins away).

Once a week injection vs a daily pill. I still have like 4 other meds in pill form to take but that's one less to possibly heave up.

#personally #medication #type 2 diabetes #ozempic

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lovelyladylavie · 10 months ago

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Also on the subject of pain management, things like phys therapy and massage are gatekept, offered only for people who can afford it and they're services which are just NOT on a lot of basic insurance plans or basic state medicaid. But they can really help folks with chronic pain from old injuries get off pain killers, so they don't have to feel so dependent on them. (IF thats actually an option, and they dont have a special/ autoimmune chronic pain condition. Some do, and nothing helps but the meds, i totally get that.)

I've met so many people who feel like they're awful people for needing to take them, or that they've let themselves down for using them when they thought they were getting better. I tell them its not a sin to use them when they need them, but they still feel that way. Recovery from injury isn't a slope, its a wiggly line that you /hope/ goes downward.

I ask these people how long it's been since their last massage/phys therapy appointment, and they say they ran out of the allowed number of sessions from their insurance. They can't even afford them otherwise, except out of pocket a couple times a year when they can scrape together the spare cash. It's really disheartening. They were doing so well, but then they were cut off in the middle of effective treatment bc insurance said: 'you've had enough, buddy'.

Massage and Phys Therapy are preventative medicine as well and can help everyone relax, as well as repair their chronic work injuries /before/ they become a problem. But because the people who work the most laborious jobs don't have access to the advanced insurance plans, they can't. They aren't even OFFERED in most cases, you just get what your job has deemed acceptable.

So grocery workers get carpal tunnel from repetitive scanning. Movers get spinal lumbar injuries from lifting incorrectly ONCE, or catching something unwieldy. And uber/lyft drivers get pain in their right knee and tib anterior from constantly working the pedals. *All* of which can be treated with regular massage. But they can't afford it.

I'm a massage therapist, and do you know how many white-collar office workers I work on? Not that they don't deserve it too, but they're like 75% of my job. And it's very predictable work. Neck/shoulders and low back from poor posture at the computer. Every time.

So I'm DELIGHTED to see blue-collar workers come in on L&I claims because i know how much they need it. Janitors who clean whole floors of schools, hospitals, and offices by themselves and blow out their poor shoulders and knees. Construction guys who bent down awkwardly and threw their back out. Bus drivers with repetitive injuries in their shoulders from driving. People who literally can't do their jobs anymore bc those muscles have been overworked. And they can't go to the gym and work out the opposite muscles to help balance it out (as that is the normally suggested course of action to prevent repetitive injury) bc they simply do not have TIME.

I always turn up my efforts to 11 when work injury cases come through our office. I love those people to bits. This is the work that makes me feel like I'm making a difference in the world. They hold so much undue suffering and have for YEARS. But they shouldn't have to. But I know they only have so much time with me. Usually, there are only 6 sessions, and then i never see them again. I wonder how they're getting along.

Never let your employer scare you off of reporting to Labor and Industries if you get injured on the job, even if it comes on from long-term use. (My own sister got scared off from using it once for a sudden injury that was def her store's fault, despite my telling her that that was exactly what they were doing. But that's a story for another time.)

L&I is there for the employees to use in times of trouble. It's your resource, and one fought hard for by your predecessors. Don't suffer for nothing.

(Also, stronger unions get you better benefits, and therefore, those better insurance plans, just a heads up. 😉)

Anyway, check your benefits and see if you've got these already. If not, next time sign-ups for a new plan comes around, see if there are 'advanced' packages with more benefits and services.

It is actually way better for 100 addicts to get their fix on pain pills than a single person in pain go without. I call this the "Torture is bad" principle. You should be able to get the good stuff forever after a single doctor's visit. If you're worried about addicts fund rehab centers and needle exchanges instead of torturing people.

#its 2AM #i hope this is legible #also one time they gave over permission for access to more massages to AN ALGORITHM #that was some wild shit

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urmagicalgxrl · 1 year ago

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i was without my meds for a week (not just the ADHD one, but the mega important bipolar ones) and my therapist said for the next week to just focus on regulating my emotions as best i can until the meds are back in my system and working again, but holy shit. i feel terrible. i don’t even wanna get up to eat. i don’t wanna eat period. i just feel entirely shitty, and anxious, and horrible. also there was an accident where the med order was fucked up again!! i was wondering why i ran out of meds so fast this time, and it turns out my psychiatrist ordered the wrong dosage. i’m supposed to take 600 mgs a day (2 pills morning and night, 150 mgs each, so 300 in the morning, 300 at night), but instead it was for 300 a day so i only got half the pills i need. idk how this happened because i’ve been on this dosage for two years and somehow she accidentally decreased it? jfc, because of that the cvs the prescription was sent to wouldn’t fill the prescription, because according to them i wasn’t supposed to run out this fast so my mom (i love her) had to pay $300 out of pocket for my meds. and again, these meds are the wrong prescription so i’m gonna run out again faster than before. also i get 3 bottles at a time usually, which means it was $100 a bottle without insurance. which leads me to: how tf am i gonna afford my medication when i’m off my moms insurance? i know she’d pay for them because she’s my mother and she knows i can’t go off the meds, but holy shit. with how much rent and utilities cost, how could there be money left over? and that’s not even including the other pills, plus inhalers!! society is fucked in the us when i need to pay $300 for necessary medication! my mental illness genuinely affects my day to day life severely when it’s not treated, i gained 50 pounds last year during a depressive episode that lasted like 8 months, and for some reason my brain decided to start making me show OCD tendencies in the last 6 months, so now we gotta get that under control. because of all this, now i have to focus more on therapeutic strategies, and have monthly med appointments. not to mention i get such bad mood swings i have to be watched whenever i’m off the meds, and sometimes new meds fuck with my mood disorder, and cause full breakdowns. so basically my brain just hates me, and i’m pissed at cvs.

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fluffy-critter · 1 year ago

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#crosspost #busybee

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thatoneelisa · 2 years ago

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2:40 am mania thoughts, as told by me. TW for disassociation, mentions of BPD, suicidal ideation/self harm ideation, mental hospital mentions, overdose (melatonin) mentions, nightmares, emotional abuse, depression

It's 2:41 am here in Delaware. I slept (stupidly) from 7:30ish to 10pm, then stayed up an extra hour doing my sister's college list with her. Well, a basic version.

I don't want her to make the same mistake I did. Rushing into things. I did with my first college and left. I wasn't ready mentally. Second college, still not ready.

Sometimes I wonder if it's because of the medications. Gabapentin, Abilify. Supposed-to-be-Effexor. (We don't talk about that - I ran out days ago. The psychiatrist couldn't move me up and the insurance won't explain why. (Cigna if you're seeing this, fuck you.)) Birth control pills. Trazadone for sleep. Trazadone.

It's funny - a Discord server I'm in, a couple of days ago, a certain channel for those with neurodivergences and mental illnesses brought up how certain meds like Melatonin and Trazadone made them have vivid nightmares, so realistic. I didn't want to put my two cents in - plus being in a BPD depression never helps. The past few weeks, since Sun, I've been having vivid dreams. Going to sleep by disassociating, then falling into the pattern of reliving memories, or creating fantasies.

The most recent one was watching TV with Mom, Dad, Stepdad, and the siblings. I said something awful, and Mom and Stepdad starting chasing me. I was eventually cornered into a window, and I woke up in silent screams for help. I didn't actually scream - but in my dreams I was calling, screaming for help.

I was screaming in November. Many noticed it, but I went into a mental hospital short-term. Long story short, don't plan an impromptu move then have it all fall apart (not the friend's fault tho), have a mental breakdown, reach out to Mom for support, be screamed at by said Mom whilst sobbing, then take Melatonin to cope. Dad brought me home saying he wished he knew, that we needed to communicate better.

I wish I could. Words don't come out of me easily. It's hard - I write for the freedom. Freedom I don't have. I've not had a comprehensive psych eval ever - I started looking at them today.

I fear they won't find anything wrong. That the constant anxiety, the BPD, the depression are lies. I've lied and been lied to so many times in life my life is one now.

Life. Funny thing, isn't it? Dreams crushed before they even start, breakdown after breakdown, nightmare after nightmare. Vent after vent, friends dropping like flies. Applications to colleges.

I wonder how my old friends are doing. I used to be a friendly person - now acting out a DnD character has me thinking I'm insane. Hydrus doesn't deserve this, my dad doesn't deserve this, my sister and brother don't deserve this. Self-sacrificial cause my mirror is shattered and I'm left picking up those pieces. I still am - my hands bleed and hurt every time though so it's hard. I might send my dad this. He knows best, he'd commit me if needed, he loves me. Right?

Mom... I miss her. Emotional abuse isn't easy because part of me misses before she went off her meds, the glimpses I have of a happy childhood. Coming out in my Ariel nightgown on my birthday, singing in the car at the bus stop, and of course, being 9 and having to call 911 cause "my mommy fell and won't wake up." I remember that. Nothing else.

I wonder if she was mixing them with something. Or if they just didn't work - I'm trying not to become her. But yet, something's not right.

2:58 am. Hydrus is snoring next to me, the little brat. I love him though. I've been awake since Dad left for work. Maybe I should go to bed. My mind goes to dark places though, and I don't want to go into the darkness. What does light look like again?

What does being normal look like again?

I hope Smith is the answer. Otherwise I don't know what I'm going to do.

#elisaismentallyill #shut up e #i wish you all the best #love you all #sorry for making you read this

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trans-xianxian · 3 years ago

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idk what country u live in but if its the us maybe u could try using goodrx to get ur meds sooner if insurance is taking to long? i had to do that w my T recently bc my insurance was being a pain abt it for some reason

hmm maybe?? I'm just on my states free healthcare and I'm worried that trying to get my meds w/o it might fuck with my coverage for some reason? the person I talked to on the phone made it sound like the issue would be solved quickly so hopefully it's just a matter of making sure everything is covered since my medication situation is sooo convoluted and not like. my insurance actively being difficult abt it. but thank you for the suggestion!! I will keep it in mind if my insurance decides to be a bitch abt it

#like I said tho I've been on these meds for Eight Years and my insurance has been covering it for Eight Years #so hopefully this is just some technical bullshit we have to go through #I don't see a reason why they'd suddenly decide they won't cover those meds #this is all so stupid if my provider had just TOLD me my doctor left #this could have been handled before my refills ran out and before I ran out of meds at home #anyway shout out to the nurse who does my t shots for helping me figure this out susan you are everything to me #and thank you anon mwah #ask #anon

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luci-in-trenchcoats · 4 years ago

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By Your Doorstep (Part 1)

Summary: When the reader is looking for her teenage sister’s service dog one day, she runs into Dean Winchester who thankfully saw him run past. When she arrives, her sister is fine aside from a sprained ankle but Dean’s decided to follow along and help get her sister home...

Pairing: Doctor/Neighbor!Dean x reader

Masterlist

Word Count: 3,200ish

Warnings: language, minor injury, mention of car accident/death

A/N: Parts of this series are told from two different POV’s. Dean’s POV are written from limited third person. Reader’s POV are second person (like a typical reader insert). Please enjoy this first part! …

_________

“Toast! Toast!” you shouted as you ran down a street. “Toast boy!”

“Uh, you okay?” said a guy walking on the other side of the street. He was raising an eyebrow and you shook your head.

“Toast is a dog,” you said.

“Oh, gotcha. I thought you were nuts for a minute,” he chuckled.

“You haven’t seen a german shepard around have you?” you asked.

“I saw one run down the block a few minutes ago,” he said. You looked the direction he pointed and you started sprinting. “Hey!”

“Sorry! Can’t talk!” you shouted back. You ran down the block and across the street over to the park. You ran over to the basketball court and saw Toast there next to Tessa. She was sat up and holding onto his vest when you jogged over to her. “Tess. Are you okay? Did you have a seizure?”

“No,” she said with a laugh. She was holding her ankle and you saw the swelling. “I think I broke it playing. My phone’s over in my bag. I told Toast to get it but I guess he ran home and got you instead.”

“He barged in through the doggy door, I thought he was just nuts at first,” you said. You heard footsteps behind you and the man from the street was there panting.

“You found your dog,” he said as he caught his breath.

“Yeah,” you said, the man wincing when he saw Tessa’s ankle. “We’re all set.”

“She needs a doctor,” he said.

“Tessa, you okay here while I run home to get my car?” you asked.

“Yeah I’m fine,” she said. “Toast’ll stay.”

“I can carry her,” said the man. You both stared at him and he shrugged. “Save you a trip.”

“Are you some kind of weirdo?” you asked.

“Says the woman running through the neighborhood shouting Toast,” he smiled back.

“Alright. Tess if you’re cool with it…” you said, the man nodding.

“Dean Winchester.”

“Dean will carry you back to the house and I’ll drive you to urgent care,” you said. “If you do try anything though Dean, Toast will rip your face and junk off, just to be clear.”

“Got the message,” he said. Tessa climbed on his back and he was careful of her ankle while you grabbed her bag. You walked with Toast by Dean’s side back the few blocks towards home. “I think it’s just a sprain actually. I wouldn’t worry too much.”

“You play basketball?” you asked.

“No. I’m a doctor is all. First glance it doesn’t look too bad.”

“Are you single? Y/N’s single,” she said.

“You’re a little shit, Tessa,” you said. Dean chuckled and Toast bumped his leg. “He wants you to get on the sidewalk.”

“Will do,” he said, Toast giving some space once he’d stepped up off the road. “He’s very intelligent.”

“We’ve only had Toast two years but he’s been very good with us,” you said. “He’s Tessa’s. I just feed him and pick up his poop.”

“I have school, loser.”

“I have work, loser,” you said.

“You guys must be sisters,” he said. “I’m a big brother. I would know.”

“If your younger brother is single and half as good looking-”

“Keep it in your pants, Tess,” you said.

“I like you two,” he chuckled. “Sorry Tessa but he’s probably a little too old for you.”

“They always are,” she sighed.

“You’re seventeen. You’re fine,” you said. “Besides college has way more attractive guys and stuff.”

“Oh yeah, Elmdale community college. Known for it’s hotties,” she mumbled.

“Elmdale University has some good choices,” you said.

“I thought it was too expensive,” she said.

“Well I was gonna tell you this at dinner but I applied for a different job awhile ago. I heard back this morning. I accepted. It’s double what I was making before.”

“Really?”

“Yes. With your grades you can get a half-ride and I figure between inheritance and my new salary, you can do your four year out of the gate without loans,” you said.

“Thanks, Y/N,” she said quietly. “Really.”

“You still need your part-time job if you want to get stuff for yourself though. I’m sorry. I can’t make it work if-”

“S’okay,” she said. “I can’t believe I can go to the university.”

“I called up the school earlier and talked to your guidance counselor. We gotta work on your application but we can make it work,” you said.

“Can I get a car? I know I can’t afford room and board but maybe I can get something used so you don’t have to drive me all the time?” she asked.

“Tessa…” you sighed. You knew you couldn’t afford insurance on two cars at the moment and everything else and she wouldn’t make enough part time to cover all the car expenses herself. “I-”

“I can pick up more shifts,” she said.

“Tessa, I want you to enjoy college. I sure did. I’ll give you rides whenever you want. I’ll drop you off in the morning and pick you up at night. That would work, right?”

“Yeah,” she said. “I don’t even care about my ankle. I can get my art degree!” she said.

“Tessa.”

“I’m joking,” she laughed. “Art minor?”

“You can minor in whatever you like but please for my sanity major in something you can get a job in?” you asked.

“Yeah, yeah,” she said. You rounded a corner and started to walk up a driveway, Dean setting Tessa down in the passenger seat of your car. You opened the back and Toast jumped in, Dean smiling when you shut both the doors.

“Thanks,” you said. “For helping us out.”

“Sounds like you two know how to solve problems on your own,” he said. “Happy to help. Here.”

He dug in his back pocket and pulled out a card.

“If you ever need a doctor, I’m two blocks over,” he said. “Or just to talk.”

“Thanks,” you said. “I’ll see you around, Dean.”

It was around nine when you were sitting on the front porch with a glass of whiskey in your hand. You drank slowly, eyes catching a man in a baseball cap and reflective shirt jogging by.

“Do you always run at night?” you called, Dean stopping at your front walkway. “Cause I never see you run at night and I sit out here a lot.”

“Whew well let’s stop that charade cause running is so not my thing,” he said. He breathed hard for a moment as he walked up the steps. You nodded to the other chair and poured him a glass, Dean drinking it down. “Your sister okay?”

“Yeah. Just a sprain,” you said. “Still gotta pay the deductible for the x-ray though.”

“How old are you?”

“How old are you?” you asked.

“Thirty one,” he said.

“Twenty eight.”

“Where are your folks?” he asked.

“They and Tessa were in an accident two years ago. It’s just us two now.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m slowly getting used to be a guardian,” you said.

“I raised my little brother. My parents are still around but they fought a lot. I get becoming the parent when you’re not ready.”

“Do you ever get to just be a sibling again?” you asked.

“Yes. But they have to grow up first and you got a few more years ahead of you before it happens,” he said.

“I figured.”

“What does she have? Toast is a service dog I saw.”

“She gets seizures sometimes. It’s from the accident. She hasn’t had one in seven months. Fingers crossed we got her on the right mix of meds finally,” you said.

“So who takes care of you?”

“My buddy Jack Daniels. Sometimes I hang out Jim Bean too.”

“I’m partial to Johnny Walker,” smiled Dean.

“Very nice. I don’t drink much. Too tired most of the time,” you said.

“So nobody takes care of you then.”

“Who takes care of you?”

“Good point,” he said. “But I didn’t have it this rough.”

“We’re getting by. We always do.”

“I have no doubt that you can,” he said. “Take care of yourself every once in a while is all.”

“When she’s done with school I will.”

“She’s got five years left. You won’t last that long,” he said.

“Watch me.”

“Who worked on your sister at the urgent care tonight?”

“Dr. Novak. Why?”

“Cas is a good friend. I’ll see about getting that x-ray test off the bill,” he said as he stood up.

“Dean, you don’t have to do that.”

“It’s no trouble,” he said, heading down the steps. “You want me to leave you alone from now on?”

“...No.”

“You want to go on a date tomorrow?”

“Okay,” you said.

“I’ll pick you up at noon? I’m buying. Nothing too fancy,” he said.

“Okay,” you said. He smiled and nodded, spinning around and sliding right off the last two steps to his bottom. You rushed down them and he groaned, shaking his head. “Are you okay?”

“Yup,” he said, grunting as he stood. “Oh my ass hurts.”

“That’s what she said,” you said, Dean laughing.

“I definitely like you,” he said as you helped him take a few steps. “I’m alright. I’ll swing by tomorrow then.”

“Bye Dean,” you said.

“Bye Dean!” called Tessa from her bedroom window upstairs.

“Oh my God, go to bed!” you shouted back.

“It’s nine and I’m not twelve,” she said.

“Goodnight ladies,” chuckled Dean, waving as he headed back down the path. You gathered up the bottle and glasses, bringing them inside and locking up for the night. A few minutes later you were upstairs in Tessa’s room, frowning as she giggled while looking through her phone.

“Oh come on,” she said as she rolled her eyes at you. “He’s cute, he’s a doctor, he’s single and he’s a dork that just fell on his butt in front of you cause he’s so nervous and trying to play it cool. Like what is wrong with him?”

“Nothing. We have a date tomorrow,” you said, leaning against the doorframe.

“We used to talk about guys,” she said.

“I know,” you said. You picked at the wood, Tessa putting her phone down.

“Y/N. You’re not my mom. I know you gotta act like her sometimes but you’re not. Mom and dad would want you to go on dates and stuff. I haven’t seen you do anything fun in years.”

“I barely knew how to be an adult for just me,” you said. “You’re my priority now.”

“I’m not in a hospital bed anymore. My seizures are under control and I got Toast to watch out for me just in case. Dean had a point. You gotta take care of yourself,” she said. “Including me going to community college.”

“Tessa-”

“It’s both our inheritance and you can’t spend all of it on me. I can do two years at community and transfer to the university after.”

“Tess. You don’t have to do that. I did the math and it’ll work out.”

“When’s the last time you bought something for yourself? Seriously when?”

“I bought a new bedspread two weeks ago.”

“You needed one. That doesn’t count. When-”

“Before mom and dad died, Tess. Is that what you want me to say? They made good money but you had medical bills. Do I want a new winter coat? Sure. Do I want to splurge and by myself a nice pair of leggings? Of course. I want things. But I want us to stay in this house. I don’t want us to get shoved in a tiny apartment. I want you to be able to go to college like I did and not worry about this crap. I’m the grown up, not you. I choose how to spend the money.”

“Fine,” she said. She grabbed the crutch by her bed and got up, going to her dresser. She opened her jewelry box and grabbed a wad of cash, holding it out to you. “It’s three hundred. I want you to have it.”

“Tessa, no.”

“I earned it. I get to choose how to spend it,” she said. “You’ve always told me that. Buy a coat and leggings and whatever else you want.”

“Tessa. It’s yours. You were saving up to buy an iphone.”

“I don’t need a fucking phone. I need my sister to stop looking like she cries herself to sleep every night. Just take it,” she said. You shook your head and she shoved the money in your hand. “Y/N, take it.”

“Alright,” you said.

“Good.” She waited a beat before pulling you into a hug. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” you said. “You got plans tomorrow night?”

“I was gonna sleepover Hailey’s house if that’s okay?” she said.

“Yeah. You guys have fun,” you said. “Just be careful on your ankle.”

“Duh,” she said. “Do you want to watch a movie or something?”

“I’m kinda beat. Sunday for sure?” you said.

“Okay. Night,” she said.

“Night, Tess,” you said. You went next door to your room, opening your desk drawer and opening the envelope inside. You counted the money she’d given you and added it to the front. You definitely had enough for her phone now and her birthday was only a few weeks away. You smiled and put it away, writing out a few bills before you gathered up your pajamas and walked down the hall to the bathroom. You kept going though, down to the shut door. You pushed it open, the room cold and dark. You flipped on a light, a coating of dust on everything again.

“Y/N?” said Tessa from the other end of the hall. You turned off the light and shut the door, Tessa by the bathroom when you walked back. “You okay?”

“Yeah. I’m gonna shower quick before bed. Shout if you need something.”

“Yeah. Night.”

Dean POV

“Hey, Sammy,” said Dean after he’d gotten out of the shower and was laying in bed.

“Hey, Dean. What’s up?” asked Sam on the other end of the phone.

“I think I just went full on weirdo on this girl I met today.”

“Well that’s obvious but what’d you do? You didn’t like stalk her or anything.”

“She lives in the neighborhood. I kinda went jogging past her house tonight and she was sat on the front porch.”

“Okay that’s kinda creepy,” said Sam. Dean ran his hand over his face and sighed. “Did you talk to her?”

“Yeah. I don’t think I gave off creeper vibes but she might have just been polite. I don’t know. We’re going out tomorrow,” said Dean. He was quiet as he shut his eyes. “Which sucks cause I really like her too. I hope she doesn’t think I’m weird.”

“Maybe she’ll have pity on you and let it slide. Where’d you meet her? I thought you swore off women after your last hookup went bad,” he said. Dean didn’t speak and ran his hand over his face again. “De I know something happened that night.”

“Sammy I got tired of hooking up. I’m too old for it. I just want a girl to go home to at the end of the day and laugh with. That’s all there is to it,” said Dean.

“Dean I was still living with you at the time. You were off for days. I know-”

“If you’re gonna bring this shit up again-”

“I’m just saying it’s nice to hear you excited about a girl again...and you can tell me anything. Anything, Dean. I’m not a kid anymore.”

“You’re twenty seven. You’re a kid,” said Dean. He rolled over on the bed and lay on his stomach, putting his hands under his chin. “Some things I just don’t tell you about, Sam.”

“Dean, I asked you to stop raising me awhile ago. You’re not my father anymore.”

“I still gotta protect you from stuff,” said Dean with a shrug.

“I get that. But my mind has gone to the worst case scenario on this more than once. Just promise it wasn’t that,” said Sam.

“Sammy, I called to talk about a girl.”

“You want things to work out with her? Then figure out whatever the hell happened in the past so it doesn’t happen again.”

“You don’t understand,” said Dean.

“Whatever. Just crack a joke next time you see her,” said Sam. He hung up and Dean looked at his phone, sighing before he jammed his face in the bed. He gripped the sheets tight and felt his heart rate pick up, bile rising up in the back of his throat.

“Stop. It,” he said to himself, forcing himself to sit up. He wiped off his eye and dropped his head to his chest. “It’s just a fucking girl. It’s just a girl, it’s just a date. It’s all it is.”

He saw his phone light up and Sam’s name appear. He swiped and put it on speaker before he faced away from it.

“I’m sorry,” said Sam.

“It’s okay,” said Dean, freezing when he sniffled. He stared at the phone and Sam cleared his throat.

“You alright?” Dean stared at the phone and shook his head. “De, you there?”

“Are you alone?” he asked.

“Yes…” said Sam. “It’s just me.”

“You repeat a word of this to anybody or you laugh or you tease me or-”

“Hey. I’d rather we not have this conversation over the phone. I can be there in an hour.”

“...Fine but you better bring some pie with you.”

“I’ll see you in an hour, Dean.”

______

A/N: Read Part 2 here!

#spn #supernatural #dean x reader #dean winchester #doctor!dean #au!dean x reader #dean x #spn reader insert #supernatural reader insert #doctor!dean x reader

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just-dreaming-marvel · 3 years ago

Text

Love and Medicine ~ 18

MASTERLIST

< previous chapter

Word Count: 3,800ish

Summary: Steve and Peggy struggle while you try your best to move forward. (I hope this whole thing makes sense.)

The next few weeks, you only ran into Steve in the elevator. It was always full of tension, full of longing. He would try to talk to you but you would always ignore him. You thought it was better that way. It had to be. Every time you saw Steve, you wanted to jump his bones still. Even after all that he did to you.

The elevator dinged open, revealing Steve to be the only one in the elevator you were about to get on. He was leaning on the back wall, looking down. Steve looked up and saw you, staying silent. You gulped as you walked in and turned around so that you wouldn’t have to face him. The doors shut and the tension enveloped you both.

“I…” You tried softly. “I miss you.”

Steve perked up slightly at your words. He stood slowly from his position against the wall and walked right behind you, smelling your hair. You closed your eyes, relishing in his closeness. Steve pulled back slightly, only to rest his head against yours briefly. He moved so that his mouth was against your ear.

“I wish I could,” he whispered. His voice giving you goose bumps. “But I can’t.”

Then the elevator doors opened and Steve rushed out. Leaving you in the elevator. Alone.

~~~

A few days later, Steve and Peggy were heading from his place in New Jersey to work. They had been sitting in awkward silence for a majority of the car ride until Peggy decided to break it.

“So… um… I was thinking that we could… have sex tonight,” Peggy stammered. Steve half chuckled at the idea. “Look, I know we’re both gonna feel weird about it. It’s the first time—“

“Since Mark,” Steve cut in.

“And Y/N… I have the day off tomorrow. Do you have the day off? We could just stay in bed—“

“I’m planning on stopping by the medical center tomorrow. I’ll still have patients I need to check on.”

“Well, I made a reservation at a nice restaurant tonight.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because I was thinking we could have sex tonight. Just rip the stitches. Get it over with.”

“No anesthesia?”

“Right… what do you think?”

“Remember med school? We never had to schedule sex. Not once.”

“Steve, I wanna get through this. I do. I want things to be normal again, like it used to be. So will you meet me for dinner?”

“Yeah, okay,” he sighed.

~~~

Majority of the interns had the day off, but yourself. You and Gamora were currently in the ER. Nurse Laura had paged the both of you there. She was standing next to a comatose guy, chart in hand.

“Benjamin Parker brought in from Highland Nursing Home,” Laura told the two of you.

“Highland?” Gamora questioned as she took the chart from Laura. “He’s in the garden?”

“Garden?” You repeated.

“Vegetable.”

“Yeah, his chart says he fell into a persistent vegetative state 16 years ago,” Laura explained.

“He was a firefighter,” you said, reading the chart over Gamora’s shoulder. “Injured by falling debris in the line of duty.”

“What brings him here today?” Gamora asked.

“Fell from his bed while being turned by the orderlies,” Laura responded. “Insurance says he has to be checked out.”

“Y/N, it’s all you.”

You do a quick check up of the man before telling your findings. “Temporal parietal scalp lace with associated hematoma.”

“What’s your plan?”

“Irrigate and explore the wound. Repair the lac. He’ll need a CT to rule out intra-cerebral hemorrhage, contusion or cerebral edema.”

Gamora nodded. “Go for it. It’s all you. Just keep me updated.”

“Thank you.” Gamora and Laura then took their leave. “Okay, it’s just me and you,” you told the patient as you began to explore his head wound more. “I’d give anything for your kind of serenity… Great. Now, I’m jealous of vegetables…. You just look so peaceful.”

All of a sudden Benjamin opened his eyes and looked directly at you. You jumped back, alarmed, letting out a small yelp.

“Holy crap,” you gasped. “I’ll be right back.” You rushed to find Gamora, who was helping with a different patient. “Dr. Gamora?”

“This guy’s got 3rd degree burns over here, over half his body. It’s gonna be good, you want in?” Gamora asked.

“My PVS case. He opened his eyes. And I think he was looking at me.” All the people in the room chuckled except for Gamora.

“He wasn’t looking at you.”

“No, he was.”

Gamora sighed. “L/N, just get a CT. Have near consult. But trust me, he wasn’t looking at you.”

~~~

It took too long to get the CT done and the scans back. Afterwards, you immediately went searching for Steve. You needed to be professional. You needed to work on moving passed your feelings. He could’ve have chosen you. He had his chance. Instead, Steve chose Peggy, his perfect-cheating wife.

“Dr. Rogers?” You called, putting on a brave face. Steve was at a nurses station, filling out a chart.

“Y/N,” his head shot up to look at you. “Hi.”

“Hi. Are you busy?”

“Not at the moment.”

“I need a near consult.” You handed him the chart and he immediately began looking through it. “Benjamin Parker. PVS, 16 years.”

“Well, there’s no bleed, there’s no mass, no fracture. He can be discharged.”

“He opened his eyes when I was examining him. He opened his eyes.”

“Yeah, that’s normal. Certain reflexes are preserved. There’s arousal but no awareness.”

“But he was looking at me.”

“He wasn’t looking at you.”

“He was.”

“The CT report says he wasn’t.” He handed you back the file.

“Do you wanna argue with what I know I saw?”

“No, Y/N. I don’t wanna argue with you anymore. I gotta go.”

He spun around and started heading away. You stared at him, slightly stunned by his behavior. You were dazed, though you were staring at him, that you didn’t notice him stop. He stopped, sighed, and turned back. Steve walked back to you and looked you straight in the eyes.

“He was looking at you?” He questioned.

“Yes,” you nodded.

“Okay, let’s go.” You both headed to Benjamin’s room. “So, how are you?”

“I’m fine. How are you?”

“Fine.”

“Good. Uh… me and you… we’re in this weird limbo. This is gonna go on forever, isn’t it?”

“I hope not, but I think so.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“Yeah.”

“I moved Benjamin to a private room. So…”

“You lead, I’ll follow.”

~~~

It seemed like you waited for ages while Steve checked out Benjamin. He was standing on one side of the bed, currently checking the patient’s eyes with a small flashlight. You stood on the other side of the bed, watching intently.

“There’s no sustained visual pursuit. You might have just seen him respond to some sort of external stimuli,” Steve told you. “He wasn’t looking at you. I’m sorry.”

You leaned in over Benjamin. “And I was sure he was.” Suddenly Benjamin’s eyes dart towards you. “Look he just did it again.”

“Mr. Parker, can you follow the light?” Steve held the flashlight above Benjamin’s eyes, moving it back and forth. His eyes don’t move. “Can you hold up two fingers?” No movement again.

“Well, okay,” you sighed. Steve noticed Benjamin’s eyes move towards you. “I know you probably have something better—“

“Keep talking.”

“What?”

Steve gestured to his side. “Walk over here.”

“What?”

“Just walk and keeping talking.”

You began walking over to Steve. “Benjamin. Benjamin, can you hear me? Benjamin.” The patient’s eyes moved as you walked.

“It’s you,” Steve said, amazed. “He’s tracking you. He’s following your voice.”

~~~

In a whirlwind of more tests, you and Steve ended up sticking together through it all. Currently, you and Steve were looking at some x-rays in the x-ray room.

“Well that’s why there’s no mention of brain atrophy in the CT report. Cause there isn’t any,” Steve said.

“None?” You questioned. “He’s been PVS for 16 years.”

“Well, he’s not PVS. He’s minimally conscious.”

“He’s minimally conscious and no-one noticed?”

“Had he been in a state of the art neural facility, they’d have tested him. But he was in a regular nursing home so that just—“

“Missed it.”

“Mhm.”

“He’s been frozen. Sleeping for 16 years and they missed it. That sucks.”

“There’s one thing to be thankful for.”

“What is that?”

“We might be able to wake him up.”

~~~

After a few more tests, you and Steve were notified that Benjamin’s family had arrived. You both were standing at the edge of the waiting room, looking around.

“Which one do you think she is?” Steve asked. You could hear is phone ringing in his lab coat, though he was clearly ignoring it.

“Benjamin’s wife?” You wondered, glancing around.

“Yeah.”

You kept looking around as Steve’s phone kept ringing. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see him pull out his phone and mute the incoming call. You shook your head slightly, focusing on finding the family. There was a woman near by, holding a large backpack, looking down at the ground. There was a man on one side of her, reading something, and a teenage boy nervously wringing his hands.

“It’s her,” you pointed. You started heading to the woman.

“How do you know?” Steve asked as he followed you.

“Mrs. Parker?”

The woman stood up. “It’s actually Mrs. May Jensen now,” she said. “This is my husband, Clark, and my son, Peter.”

“I’m Dr. Rogers,” Steve introduced himself. “And this is Dr. L/N. Would you follow us? We’ll take you to Benjamin and explain everything once we get there.”

Clark spent the whole walk to the room, comforting May. Peter was clearly nervous, hands stuffed in his pockets. Once they got to the room, you and Steve explained the situation.

“What do you mean, wake him up?” May asked.

“Well over the years, your husband’s brain has been slowly trying to heal itself,” Steve answered. “Now we’ve give him a course of amphetamine that should give his brains he push it needs to find consciousness.”

“When?” Peter questioned. “How long does it take?”

“If we’re right, your father will be awake in a few hours.”

“Is he gonna realize what happened?”

“Most patients in this situation have no idea how much time has passed.”

“I’m gonna be sick.” Peter rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door.

“I know this is a difficult situation—“

“I just got married,” May said. “And Peter turns 17 on Thursday. Difficult? This is unimaginable! I can’t be here when he wakes up. He can’t see me like this or Peter.” She went to the bathroom door and began knocking. “Peter, baby, we’re leaving.” Peter stepped out and May dragged him to the door. “We’ll be in the car,” she told her new husband as the walked out.

“You should get her back.”

“I’ll try, but I don’t know,” Clark sighed. “It took her a long time to move on.” Then he followed after them.

You walked out too, with Steve following after you. You headed into the stairwell and sat down. Steve sat next to you with a sigh.

“We did the right thing,” he said. “Medically, Benjamin’s our patient and we treated him.”

“Yeah,” you breathed out. “I’m sure he’ll thank us later.”

“Y/N, it’s—“

“Did you see that kid’s face? Benjamin is a complete stranger to him.”

“Cases like this are—“

“It’s not cases like this. It’s this one case. You don’t get it.” You shook your head. “You have a life. You go to sleep to only wake up and that life doesn’t exist anymore? That man has no one. Everyone’s moved on. Except for him… it’s not an easy thing.”

“I’m sorry.” He set his large hand on your knee. “I really am.”

“I know.”

~~~

Sitting on the floor of Benjamin’s room, you at your dinner. That’s when Peter cam to the door and knocked on the inside wall. You looked up, confused.

“What are you doing here?” You asked. “Don’t you have the day off.”

Peter shrugged. “Decided I didn’t want it off. What are you doing here?”

“Waiting for my patient to wake up.” Peter nodded as he came and sat down beside you. He looked at you like he wanted to say something. “What?”

“I tell you something, you tell me something.”

“Okay,” you nodded. “I feel like one of those people who’s so freaking miserable they can’t be around normal people. Like, I’ll infect the happy people, or something… like, I’m some miserable, diseased, dirty ex-mistress. Your turn.”

“I failed the medical boards.”

“Pete—“

“And if I tell Gamora… well, I don’t know what she’ll do. We’re not exactly official but she’s a resident and I’m an intern. It’s probably going to be embarrassing.”

“Probably… but you don’t know until you do it. She might be more understanding than you think. You’ve got to take the chance otherwise you’re just… well, me.”

“A miserable diseased dirty ex-mistress?”

“It’s hot,” Peter whistled and you laughed. “It’s really hot. I feel better already.”

“See?”

Peter gave you a reassuring pat, ruffled your hair, and headed out of the room. “Thank you.”

“Hello?” Another male voice called. You scrambled up off the floor and faced Benjamin’s bedside. “Is somebody there? Somebody?”

“Yes,” you hurried to his side. “Somebody’s here.” He looked at you as you grabbed his hand.

“Hello.”

“Hi, I’m Dr. L/N. I’m going to just quickly go to the nurses station and page the neuro surgeon. Okay?” You let his hand go. “I’ll be right back.”

You rushed to the nurses station and had them page Steve, asap. Him and a few nurses arrived soon after, quickly getting to work.

“Mr. Parker, your muscles have suffered deterioration and your joints will be painful for a while which is to be expected,” Steve explained after doing a work-up. “Now the fact that your communication skills are still intact is remarkable.”

“Did you reach my wife yet? Is she coming?” Benjamin asked. You and Steve shared a brief look. “I mean, have you told her? Or do you wait until she gets here because this is gonna be quite a shock.” Steve nodded, slightly. “How long have I been out? A year?”

Steve looked at you and the nurses. “Could you excuse us?” You and the nurses began heading out.

“You,” Benjamin called after you. “You tell me.” You share another look with Steve before looking at your patient. “Please. You found me. You tell me.”

“I’m only an intern. I’ve never really done this before,” you told him.

“Me either. You’ll do it quickly. Rip off the bandage.”

“No anesthesia,” Steve said quietly.

“Exactly.”

Steve nodded, briefly looking at Benjamin before looking up at you. “I’ll be right outside if you need me.” You nodded as he headed out.

Benjamin let out a shaky breath. “Truth time.”

“Truth time,” you repeated.

“How bad is the truth gonna be?”

“It’s bad, Benjamin… you’ve been asleep for 16 years.” He let out a noise of pure and utter shock. “I’m so sorry.”

~~~

After the truth came out, you and Steve took Benjamin down to get an MRI. You had into on the table as you prepped him.

“What’s he like?” Benjamin asked, teary-eyed. “My son?”

“You know I didn’t really get a chance to speak with him,” you replied. “But he seemed nice. He’s about your height and he’s got your eyes.”

“That… that’s good.”

You gave him a tight smile before looking up at Steve who was on the other side of the glass. He nodded, giving you the signal that they were ready.

“Benjamin, we’re ready to begin,” you told him.

“What does the MRI do?” He asked, clearly scared.

“Just gives us a better picture of your brain really. You’re one for the books, you know?”

“That’s nice.”

“If you’re ready.”

“When I went down into that fire… we were going on vacation the next day. Taking the baby to see my mom. May was so excited. I tried to call my mom today. But, um… she’s dead now . My mother’s been dead for eight years…” He sighed. “I’m ready.”

“Okay.” You gave his foot a squeeze before heading to the viewing room.

“How’s he doing?” Steve wondered.

“As well as we could expect.” You walked further into the room, meeting Steve at the screens to see the images being produced. “Damn it.”

“You got that right.”

~~~

After the scans were completed and Steve had thoroughly looked through them, you went with him to explain what was happening to Benjamin.

“An epidural hematoma,” Steve said. “When you fell out of your bed this morning you hit your temple, hard. CT didn’t catch it but, the MRI did.”

“And you can fix it?” Benjamin wondered.

“WOn’t be easy. Sometimes it’s impossible to find the vessel and complications can rise but yes, I can operate.”

“But there’s a risk?”

“A very large risk, yes.”

“And what happens if you don’t operate?”

“Best case scenario is that the bleeding resolves itself. Or it can continue to bleed and cause the brain to swell.”

“Which means what?”

“Most likely, without the operation, you’ll die,” you answered.

“But the operation could kill me too, right?”

“There are equal risks both ways,” Steve clarified.

“What do I do?” Benjamin looked at you. “What would you do?”

“I can’t answer this for you,” you responded. “I’m sorry.”

~~~

Peggy appeared out of the elevator, clearly pissed and dressed for a date. She immediately looked around for Steve. When she saw Peter, she went up to him.

“Dr. Quill,” she called.

“Um.. yes?” He questioned.

“Have you seen my husband?”

“No, I have not.”

“Do you know where he is?”

“I think he’s with a patient upstairs.”

Peggy sighed. “He was supposed to meet me hours ago.”

“I’m… sorry?”

“I was never here.”

“Got it.”

“Thanks.” Peggy turned to see the smug face of Tony behind her. “What do you want?”

“Trouble in paradise?” Tony taunted.

“I really don’t want to do this with you right now. Have you seen my husband?”

“Last time I heard, he was working on a case with Y/N.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I thought the same too until I had learned that Y/N was fighting for the patient and he actually woke up after being asleep for 16 years. I became proud, especially that she was working with him civilly.”

“He hasn’t answered any of my calls, all evening.”

“Don’t worry, Peg. I’m sure he hasn’t done anything stupid.” Tony began walking away before pausing briefly. “Oh, wait. He’s already done it. He went back to you.”

~~~

Before surgery, Peter came back. Him and Benjamin had an awkward, short talk. But it was a talk none-the-less. After, you took him to the OR. You watched from the doorway as Benjamin was situated on the OR table. Steve walked out of the scrub room, ready for surgery.

“Hey,” he greeted. “You coming?”

“Not enough interns,” you said with a shake of your head. “I gotta cover the floor.”

“Oh.”

“What would you have done if you were him? Would you have the surgery?”

“You would have the surgery.”

“Yes. I would want the future or to be asleep again. One or the other. Nothing in between.”

“I honestly don’t know what I’d want.”

“I know you don’t.”

“If you get a chance, you can scrub in later. I’m gonna be at this a while.”

“Okay… thanks.”

~~~

You finally had the chance to scrub in, which made you too happy. As you washed up, you noticed people scrambling around the OR through the window. There was a doctor performing CPR. You dropped the bar of soap you were using, shocked. You stood there as Benjamin’s heart flat lined. Steve met your eyes and shook his head slightly. You looked down at the sink, saddened.

You waited for Steve, so that you could head to the family together. The silence was comforting, for the first time in a while. In the waiting room, Peter was sitting by myself. He stood upon seeing the two of you.

“I’ll take care of it,” Steve sighed.

“Okay,” you nodded. “Thank you.”

You watched as Steve broke the news to Peter. It was clear he was conflicted. To him, his dad had been dead for years only to be awoken again to die again. He was clearly angry and sad, his eyes saying everything. After walking him out to his car, Steve came back to walk with you back to the lockers. You both paused outside the intern locker room.

“You know today in the waiting room, how did you know May was Ben’s wife?” Steve asked.

“Waiting rooms are full of people hoping for good news,” you responded. “She was the only one who looked like she had completely given up.”

“Yeah.” Steve began to walk away.

“Do you love her?”

He stopped and turned back to you. “I own’t know.”

“It’s… uh… it’s good that you’re trying. You wouldn’t be you if you weren’t the kind of person who’s trying to make it work.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah.” You gave him a small smile. “It means I want’t wrong about you.”

“Thanks.”

“Goodbye, Steve.”

“Bye, Y/N.”

~~~

It was pouring rain as Steve drove home. Pulling up to his trailer, he noticed Peggy sitting on the porch. He got out of the car and walked up to her.

“You didn’t show,” Peggy stated. “So, um… I bought some take out. And I waited. It was good. Now it’s luke-warm and old. Which makes it just like the food we used to have back in medical school. So… Steve, are you done? Hurting me back? I mean cause I need to know. Cause if not… I gotta special order a thicker skin or something.”

Steve sighed as he sat down next to her. “No anesthesia in sight,” he whispered, looking at her. He leaned in. “Here we go.”

He pressed his lips to her. Peggy willing welcomed them, her hands coming to hold his face. It quickly began to get heated.

“We should uh… take this inside,” Peggy panted.

“Yeah,” Steve agreed. “Let’s go.”

~~~

You sat at the bar, stirring your drink mindlessly.

“Is this seat taken?” A handsome man asked you.

You looked up at the guy before glancing at Happy, who waits for your answer. “Do you work at the hospital?” You asked.

“No,” he smiled.

“You’re not a brain surgeon or a doctor of any kind?”

“No.”

“Then this seat isn’t taken.” The guy sat down. “Do you want to buy me a drink?”

“Actually, I do.”

next chapter >

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sgam76 · 1 year ago

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I’m glad you’re getting help also (thank God). And I can confirm everything you say from a female perspective, with a little added bit of irony.

I don’t have the level of problems you’ve had, but I have a LOT of autoimmune issues that affect all kinds of things. And, because I was pre-med as an undergrad and have spent 20+ years working (in the US) in medical malpractice insurance, I know a lot of medicine. It’s excruciatingly difficult to find a doc who (a) will listen when I go through the Litany of Woe; and (b) will willingly have a true medical discussion with me about potential causes and treatments. I can and do read medical journals and study reports, I know the jargon, I know the implications and the things that are carefully not said but are nonetheless inherent in the words. But it’s very, very rare, no matter how deferential and self-deprecating I may try to be, for a doctor to take that ability at face value and not be offended by it, or steamroll right over it. Case in point: at my last physical, with a new GP (the old one retired, sadly), the doc ran an A1C on me, a (slightly suspect) test used to diagnose folks tending towards diabetes. I’ve never had an abnormal blood sugar in my life, but I’m 20 pounds heavier than they’d like me to be based on the (also flawed) BMI measure. My blood sugar IN THE SAME PANEL OF TESTS came back completely normal; but the A1C indicated “pre-diabetes”. I did a little research (since I was mystified) and found out that A1C should never be used on people, like me, who have no spleen--it gives false positives. But, rather than fight this battle with New Doc, I’m simply going to change docs again before my next annual.

Should we have to do this kind of thing?

The biggest male privilege I have so far encountered is going to the doctor.

I lived as a woman for 35 years. I have a lifetime of chronic health issues including chronic pain, chronic fatigue, respiratory issues, and neurodivergence (autistic + ADHD). There's so much wrong with my body and brain that I have never dared to make a single list of it to show a doctor because I was so sure I would be sent directly to a psychologist specializing in hypochondria (sorry, "anxiety") without getting a single test done.

And I was right. Anytime I ever tried to bring up even one of my health issues, every doctor's initial reaction was, at best, to look at me with doubt. A raised eyebrow. A seemingly casual, offhand question about whether I'd ever been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Even female doctors!

We're not talking about super rare symptoms here either. Joint pain. Chronic joint pain since I was about 19 years old. Back pain. Trouble breathing. Allergy-like reactions to things that aren't typically allergens. Headaches. Brain fog. Severe insomnia. Sensitivity to cold and heat.

There's a lot more going on than that, but those were the things I thought I might be able to at least get some acknowledgement of. Some tests, at least. But 90% of the time I was told to go home, rest, take a few days off work, take some benzos (which they'd throw at me without hesitation), just chill out a bit, you'll be fine. Anxiety can cause all kinds of odd symptoms.

Anyone female-presenting reading this is surely nodding along. Yup, that's just how doctors are.

Except...

I started transitioning about 2.5 years ago. At this point I have a beard, male pattern baldness, a deep voice, and a flat chest. All of my doctors know that I'm trans because I still haven't managed to get all the paperwork legally changed, but when they look at me, even if they knew me as female at first, they see a man.

I knew men didn't face the same hurdles when it came to health care, but I had no idea it was this different.

The last time I saw my GP (a man, fairly young, 30s or so), I mentioned chronic pain, and he was concerned to see that it wasn't represented in my file. Previous doctors hadn't even bothered to write it down. He pushed his next appointment back to spend nearly an hour with me going through my entire body while I described every type of chronic pain I had, how long I'd had it, what causes I was aware of. He asked me if I had any theories as to why I had so much pain and looked at me with concerned expectation, hoping I might have a starting point for him. He immediately drew up referrals for pain specialists (a profession I didn't even know existed till that moment) and physical therapy. He said depending on how it goes, he may need to help me get on some degree of disability assistance from the government, since I obviously shouldn't be trying to work full-time under these circumstances.

Never a glimmer of doubt in his eye. Never did he so much as mention the word "anxiety".

There's also my psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with ADHD last year (meeting me as a man from the start, though he knew I was trans). He never doubted my symptoms or medical history. He also took my pain and sleep issues seriously from the start and has been trying to help me find medications to help both those things while I go through the long process of seeing other specialists. I've had bad reactions to almost everything I've tried, because that's what always happens. Sometimes it seems like I'm allergic to the whole world.

And then, just a few days ago, the most shocking thing happened. I'd been wondering for a while if I might have a mast cell condition like MCAS, having read a lot of informative posts by @thebibliosphere which sounded a little too relatable. Another friend suggested it might explain some of my problems, so I decided to mention it to the psychiatrist, fully prepared to laugh it off. Yeah, a friend thinks I might have it, I'm not convinced though.

His response? That's an interesting theory. It would be difficult to test for especially in this country, but that's no reason not to try treatments and see if they are helpful. He adjusted his medication recommendations immediately based on this suggestion. He's researching an elimination diet to diagnose my food sensitivities.

I casually mentioned MCAS, something routinely dismissed by doctors with female patients, and he instantly took the possibility seriously.

That's it. I've reached peak male privilege. There is nothing else that could happen that could be more insane than that.

I literally keep having to hold myself back from apologizing or hedging or trying to frame my theories as someone else's idea lest I be dismissed as a hypochondriac. I told the doctor I'd like to make a big list of every health issue I have, diagnosed and undiagnosed, every theory I've been given or come up with myself, and every medication I've tried and my reactions to it - something I've never done because I knew for a fact no doctor would take me seriously if they saw such a list all at once. He said it was a good idea and could be very helpful.

Female-presenting people are of course not going to be surprised by any of this, but in my experience, male-presenting people often are. When you've never had a doctor scoff at you, laugh at you, literally say "I won't consider that possibility until you've been cleared by a psychologist" for the most mundane of health problems, it might be hard to imagine just how demoralizing it is. How scary it becomes going to the doctor. How you can internalize the idea that you're just imagining things, making a big deal out of nothing.

Now that I'm visibly a man, all of my doctors are suddenly very concerned about the fact that I've been simply living like this for nearly four decades with no help. And I know how many women will have to go their whole lives never getting that help simply because of sexism in the medical field.

If you know a doctor, show them this story. Even if they are female. Even if they consider themselves leftists and feminists and allies. Ask them to really, truly, deep down, consider whether they really treat their male and female patients the same. Suggest that the next time they hear a valid complaint from a male patient, imagine they were a woman and consider whether you'd take it seriously. The next time they hear a frivolous-sounding complaint from a female patient, imagine they were a man and consider whether it would sound more credible.

It's hard to unlearn these biases. But it simply has to be done. I've lived both sides of this issue. And every doctor insists they treat their male and female patients the same. But some of the doctors astonished that I didn't get better care in the past are the same doctors who dismissed me before.

I'm glad I'm getting the care I need, even if it is several decades late. And I'm angry that it took so long. And I'm furious that most female-presenting people will never have this chance.

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otomefoxystar · 3 years ago

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Denial

Fandom: Mystic Messenger

Pairing: Saeyoung X MC

Warnings: talk about money and mental health

Genre: Comfort

For @space-kitten-606 Sorry it took so long to write this !😔 Life has been super busy, but I’m back at it now ❤️

She was trying to make it she really was, but her employer increased the cost of her insurance, and to cover her antidepressants and anxiety medications she had to pay out of pocket. Not to mention the doctor and physiatrist appointments. That with rent and regular household bills, it was impossible to keep up. She was broke.

After getting dressed she twisted her hair up into a tight knot on her head as she went to the pantry knowing the only thing she had other than boxed and canned food was ramen.

“ Breakfast of champions.”

As she sat down to eat there was a knock at the door. Saeyoung was standing on the other side of the door with a big smile on his face.

“ Hiii” She was surprised to see him, he hadn’t even called. It was completely out of the blue.

“ Hi! I wasn’t expecting you to come over.” He kissed her cheek.

“ You are always at work! I haven’t seen you in like foreeeevvvveeerrrr. I was starting to think you don’t love me anymore.” She rolled her eyes.

“ You are so dramatic.” He gave her a toothy grin.

“ I miss you _ _ _ I've been lonely without you.”

“ I miss you too, I’ve been busy is all.”

She was standing in the doorframe and he chuckled.

“ Are you gonna let me come in or are we going talk out here the whole time?”

“Oh! Yeah, come in.”

After he shut the door, he saw the steaming bowl of ramen on the table, and his eyebrows drew together.

“ _ _ _?” It wasn’t his usual cheerful tone, it was one of concern.

“ Yeah?” He crossed his arms and looked at her with a serious look on his face.

“ Are you eating ramen… For. Breakfast?!” Her cheeks turned a crimson color. She had been caught.

“ And you dare to lecture me about eating honey buddha chips and Dr. Pepper. Do you have any idea how much sodium is in ramen?” She looked down at the floor.

“ I know”

“ I’ll make you something.” He stated, and her eyes shot up.

“ Uhh, I don’t have much food.” He waved his hands, telling her not to worry.

“ I'm sure there’s something I can make you.” He said as he made his way to the fridge.

He opened the fridge to see it practically barren with only a half-gallon of milk and a container of leftover food, that appeared to be spaghettos. He raised his eyebrows then went to the pantry and there were a couple of boxed and canned meals, a loaf of bread that was almost gone, peanut butter and honey. What happened to his girlfriend who was always so diligent about eating healthy?

“ Why don’t you have any food?”

“ I’ve just been so busy, I haven’t had time to go to the store.” He gave her a hard look. Saeyoung didn’t often look at her like this and she knew she was in trouble. He walked over to her.

“ You’re here now, you could’ve gone shopping right?” She was trying to come up with any excuse she could think of. She didn’t want him to know how broke she was, he had money. Even with quitting the agency he probably never had to work again.

“ I uhh was gonna go, I just wanted to eat first.”

“ Okay, let’s go out to eat then I’ll take you to the store.”

She shook her head

“ No, it’s okay. I’ll go later.”

“ You are not eating ramen for breakfast.” He noticed she was having a breakout on her forehead, and her face looked a little sunken in with dark circles under her eyes. She looked awful.

“ No, c’mon let’s go.” She shook her head and stood her ground when he started dragging her to the door.

“ I can’t!” He turned and looked at her when her face twisted into an expression like she was getting ready to cry.

“ What’s going on _ _ _? What are you not telling me?”

She sat down on the kitchen chair and covered her face with her hands. Saeyoung sat down next to her, facing her completely flabbergasted. He brought her hands away from her face.

“ You can tell me. We need to be open and honest with each other.”

She looked up with tears brimming in her eyes.

“ It’s just-“ She sighed “ I can’t afford to go shopping. I’m broke…. Really, really broke.”

“ I can help y’know, you just have to ask.”

“ No, it’s not your problem.” That stung, he wanted to share everything with her even the bad things. He tightened his grip on her hands. At that moment she knew he wasn’t going to give up, she had to just tell him the truth.

“ It’s not like I went on a shopping spree and spent too much money. I don’t get to do that, I don’t even remember the last time I bought something for myself. It’s my job the cost of the medical insurance went up. I just can’t afford it. I’d have no money left over and to pay for the medication I need I have to pay for it myself. I have to pay for doctor’s visits I have to pay for everything and I just can’t keep up. I’m always late on my bills, I have to use credit cards and bounce checks. It’s been … Hard.” Tears finally spilled out of her eyes.

His heart dropped at hearing this. She was suffering this whole time and he never even knew.

“ How long did you think you could keep this from me?” He didn't say it angrily, it was more of a disappointed statement. He tilted his head and sighed.

“ Is this why you’ve been working so much overtime?”

“ I have to take my meds, I can’t go without them.” He brought her hand up and kissed the top of her hand.

“ This is probably not helping your depression and anxiety though kitten. You don’t look good. You are going to make yourself sick if you work yourself to death and eat like shit.”

“ The pot called the kettle black.” She said wiping her tears away. Saeyoung let out a little chuckle.

“ Seems like it. Seriously though you don’t have to keep things from me. Even if it is YOUR problem. I want it to be my problem too.” He paused, seemingly contemplating something when his eyes widened as if a light bulb had gone off.

“Move in with me, you wouldn’t have to pay rent, my house is paid off, there’s food. You wouldn’t have to worry anymore.” He gave her a toothy grin.

“ I don’t know Saeyoung. What about Saeran?”

“ He’ll be fiiiinnnee” He waved her off “Besides, I think he likes having you around.” She bit her lip.

“ I don't want to put you guys out. I should just get a second job. I can’t depend on you like that.”

“ No no no, you aren’t getting a second job, that’s crazy! You are already overworked enough. You are just so stubborn, it’s drives me crazy sometimes! I am offering you help and a way for you to make it because right now sweet pea you are just barely getting by. It’s not healthy to be more worried about paying bills than eating. Plus, I’ll have a human teddy bear to cuddle every night.” He leaned forward and gave her a big hug.

“ I’m not your teddy bear!” She shoved him, and he put his bottom lip out, pouting.

“ Aww c’mon. Please kitten” He tucked her hair behind her ear “ I love you and I am worried about you. Let me help you. If you keep going like this your mental health will just get worse.” She knew that of course, she knew that.

“ What’s stopping you? Why won’t you live with me?” She didn’t know, maybe she was afraid?

He smiled at her and cupped her cheek. Giving her that tender look that she so adores.

“ It kills me that the only way I can make is to get help from other people. I wanted to make it on my own, to prove to myself that I am worth something.”

“ You are worth something! It’s okay to need help. Most people do at some point in their lives. You don’t have to do this alone. I’m here and we can figure it out together because that’s what partners do. I’m not telling you to quit your job. I’m not saying that I’ll pay your bills. I just want you to move in with me.

“ You just feel bad for me.” He flicked her forehead and she glared at him as she rubbed her head.

“ That’s not it! I mean yes I do feel bad, but I want you to move in because I love you and want you around. It would’ve happened eventually, why not now?”

She looked at him hard and long as if the answer was on his face. Finally, the tension from her shoulders left and she squeezed his hand. She pressed her lips together as she looked at his pleading expression.

“ I’m not letting you say no.” She inhaled deeply through her nose.

“ Okay” He tilted his head to the side.

“ Okay? Okay, what? That I won’t let you say no? Or that you’ll move in with me?”

She sighed.

“ I’m sorry! You aren’t explaining!”

“ I know I’m just nervous.” She steeled herself and sat up straight, looking right into his eyes.

“ I’ll do it, I’ll move in with you Saeyoung.” A big grin spread across his face.

“ Yeah?” She nodded her head.

“ Yeah, just as long as you promise it’s not out of pity.” He shook his head vigorously.

“ Nope! it’ll just work better for both of us. I’ll get to see you more, and you’ll be able to pay your bills. It’s a win-win.” He was beaming.

“ I think I’m getting more out of this than you are, but if you’re happy then I’m happy too.” She said with a smile.

“ Finally a smile. I don’t like it when you're sad.” He stood up and held out his hand for her to take. She looked up at him, but then took his warm hand and he pulled her up. He kissed her lips softly then hugged her tight trying to convey his feelings.

“ Now that it’s decided, I am taking you out for breakfast. You aren’t eating that crap.” She smiled and slipped her shoes on letting him pull her out the door. He stopped just as they were about to get into his car. He looked into her bright eyes and stroked her cheek.

“ I really do love you _ _ _. I hope you never forget that. I will do everything in my power and beyond to take care of you like you deserve.” She placed her hand over his.

“ How about we take care of each other?” He gave her a tender smile.

“ I like the sound of that. No one’s taken care of me before.” She hugged him tight and gave him a light peck on the side of his neck.

“ There’s a first for everything!” She smiled and ran her fingers through his soft hair.

“Thank you Saeyoung. For being in my life, for loving me, for letting me love you.”

He pulled her close to press a fierce kiss to her lips, holding the back of her head as he deepened the kiss. When finally they parted he opened the door of the car for her ready to take on this new adventure in their lives.

#mystic messenger #mysme #mysme fandom #mysme fanfic #saeyoung choi #707 #mysme saeyoung

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thisisawonderfulusername · 4 years ago

Text

let's save the world

season one, episode four

five hargreeves x reader

summary: after the break in, five comes back with information, and you two go to check it out.

trigger warning: cursing, drinking, a fluffy moment 👉 👈

word count: 2.5k

a/n: damn, already part four O-O. i don’t really have much to say, so, enjoy!

after getting attacked by the commission assassins, you had gone up to five’s room and passed out on the bed, not even taking the time to clean or patch it up. you told yourself that it would be fine for the night, though there was a nagging voice in the back of your head, warning of the possible infection, but you inevitably pushed it away.

your morning wasn’t too great. you were shaken violently to be woken up, and you sat up quickly, hissing and grabbing onto your leg when you felt the pain the coursed through it. looking up at five, you glare at him. “what the fuck?”

“i take it you didn’t find any clues?” he questions, the smallest hint of a smirk on his face as you groan softly. of course he would do this. you knew it meant sitting in that van all day, he actually found something, and he was ready to rub it in.

leaning on your arm to reach for the med kit, you don’t meet his eyes. “no, i didn’t.” you mutter, opening the box and pulling out the supplies to finally patch up your leg. “i assume that you did?”

glancing at him as you doused a clean rag in rubbing alcohol, you raise an eyebrow. “yup.” he grins, and you roll your eyes, pulling your skirt up a bit to pull the make shift tourniquet off and reveal the wound from the glass that so rudely decided to cut through your flesh.

“how did that happen?” five questions, cringing slightly at the sight of the injury that you quickly placed the soaked rag over, biting your lip harshly to hold back the cries of pain from the stinging pain.

once the pain settled, you took a deep breath and looked to him. “long story. people, from the commission, i’m sure of it.” you threw the rag to the side, grabbing the needle and stitching thread, quickly putting it through and getting to suturing the puncture.

he watched as you stitched the wound, staying quiet for a moment, before he decided to speak again. “remember the guy we talked to? at meritech?” he asks, and you nod simply, eyebrows furrowed in concentration, “well, he’s definitely doing something sketchy. so we need to figure out what.”

you finish the stitches before throwing the needle to the side, looking back to him. “seriously? if this leads to another dead end, i’m going to kill you.” you grab some gauze and quickly wrap it around your leg, sighing softly as you toss everything back into the medical kit.

“i’ll deserve it if i am. but i’m sure of this.” he tells you, standing from the bed beside you and holding out his hand to help you up. it hurt a bit to stand on your leg from the pain, but you had endured worse, so you could suck it up.

waiting on the street, you leaned against a building, following five’s gaze and staring at one of the cars that lined the street. “how do you know he’s here?” you question, crossing your arms over your chest.

“i followed him, and when he went into the vet, i figured i had time to get you.” he responds, neither of you risking a glance away from the vehicle. “there he is.” he mutters as the man walks to his car, putting his dog in the backseat and getting in himself. five grabs your hand and the next moment you’re in the car, sitting by the dog.

smiling slightly as you give him a pat, your attention is brought back to the situation when the man turned and jumped at the sight of five right next to him. within a millisecond, a knife is held to his throat. “one chance.” he snaps at him, and you purse your lips, leaning forward in your seat. “you’ve got one chance to tell me what is going on in that lab.”

obviously terrified, since he was held at knife point, the man quickly speaks. “i manufacture prosthetics for fake patients.” his eyes are wide, staring straight into five’s, “i bill the insurance companies then sell them on the black market.”

resting an arm on the head rest of his seat, you lean towards him. “including eyeballs?” you press, and his gaze flickers towards you before back to five.

“yeah-” he stutters out, his head shaking slightly, “they’re my biggest seller. i’ve got a list- a wait list- probably twenty buyers!”

five nods, “so the serial number i told you?” he raises an eyebrow.

“yes, it- it could’ve already been bought.” he tells him, his breathing shaky.

as five stared into the guy’s eyes, you swore he could see into his soul, and though you had seen it multiple times, it still unsettled you. “i need that list, lance.” the knife pushes against his skin slightly, and he visibly flinches, “names and numbers, i need it now!”

“i don’t have it,” you can see his eye’s glossing, and you don’t blame him for being close to tears. “the only copy’s in my safe at the labs.” he quickly adds on, probably praying to himself that he wouldn’t die today.

smirking, you slap a hand on his arm, and he jumps at the sudden touch. “alright then, start the car, bud.” you lean back against the seats, petting the dog again. “we’re going on a trip.”

stopping the car just a street away from the building, all of you get out, you and five both holding onto lance’s arms to make sure he wouldn’t make a run for it. he could probably easily push you guys away, as you were practically thirteen years old, probably no muscle at all, but you assumed he was too afraid to even think about running.

as you rounded the corner, the building up ahead, your eyes widen. flames engulfed the lab, smoke pouring out of the windows. your heart practically stops. your only clue to go off of, was totally destroyed.

you could only stand in shock as lance slipped out of your grip after five ran forward, both of them looking up at the burning building. as five stood in front of the entrance, there was a sudden explosion, sending him flying back into the road.

that got you moving, quickly running to his side and crouching down next to him, ignoring the burn in your thigh. “holy shit, are you okay?” you question, slightly panicked, as it definitely wasn’t a simple fall to the ground. first of all, it was the middle of the road, concrete, and he had been knocked back pretty hard.

pushing himself up as he nods, five looks at the building. “there goes the only evidence we had.” he mutters, and you sigh softly.

standing up, you hold a hand out to him to help him up, which he gladly takes. “guess we better get to searching for another lead, then.” you glanced to the lab, pursing your lips at all the rubble that surrounded the entrance where it had exploded.

“i guess so.”

you sat on the floor of the library, the glass looking down at the lower floors behind your back. books surrounded the two of you, scattered around as you tried to search for any clues inside of them.

bottles of alcohol also surrounded you, which you guys weren’t holding back on. with your only piece of evidence gone, you were ready to give up and just let the world turn back to the rubble it had been when you first got stuck, as long as you didn’t have to be in it again. you didn’t know if you could handle that like you did the last time.

“you know, i thought we’d be able to figure this out faster.” five mumbles, breaking the silence between the two of you. his words were slightly slurred, from the alcohol. he sighs softly, flipping the page he had been reading to move on to the next.

taking a sip from the bottle you held, you lean your to the side to rest your head on his shoulder. “so did i.” your words are just as jumbled, maybe even worse. “but i guess the world is just... against us.” you close your eyes, feeling tired. you weren’t sure if it was from trying so hard and failing miserably, the alcohol, or actually being tired. you didn’t care.

five stayed quiet for a moment, his gaze still trapped on the book, until he glanced to you. “remember the first night? at griddy’s?” he questions softly, tracing the lip of the bottle with his finger as you nod. “you were saying something about how you felt when we were both separated in the apocalypse.”

you remembered that moment very clearly. even with a hazy mind. you had been preparing to tell him about the feelings you had had for him, before those guys crashed the party. you weren’t sure why you didn’t tell him after. probably slipped your mind after the big fight. “oh.” you sigh softly, eyes still closed as you thought, “yeah, i was just going to tell you that i used to like you. in more than a friend way.” you chuckle, sitting up and shaking your head.

“it’s so stupid.” you look at him, your head tilted to the side, “when we got stuck and i couldn’t find you, i felt like i lost the whole world- well, i guess i did, but not in the literal way.”

his eyebrow’s were furrowed at the information you gave him, probably processing it all. “you liked me?” he questions, a hint of confusion in his tone.

“well, yeah.” you take another drink from the bottle, frowning when there was only a tiny bit left. “i guess i stopped once i found out you went crazy and fell in love with a mannequin.” you laugh, motioning to the mannequin that he had brought along and sat between you two, looking up at the lights on the ceiling.

pursing his lips, five nods, humming in acknowledgment at what you said. “find anything that might help us?” he asks, and you groan, looking back to him.

“i don’t know if we ever will.” you felt like this whole mission was hopeless. you had been ready when the two of you first made it back, prepared to do whatever it took to keep the world safe, but now, all of that confidence and hope was gone. you were close to just giving up.

setting his now empty bottle down, five leans back against the glass. “maybe.” he mumbles softly, and another silence falls.

you don’t even realize when you fall asleep, slumped against his side.

when you wake up, it takes you a bit to feel the arms holding you up, your body bouncing slightly with each step they took. your eyes shot open, and you sigh in relief when you see that it’s just diego.

“it’s not secure.” you hear luther’s voice behind him, turning your head to see him walking behind with five in his arms. “those psychopaths could come back at any moment.”

“hey.” you mumble as your eyes fall closed again, and you groan as you feel your stomach churn. it probably wasn’t the best idea to drink that whole bottle, but your mind would clear up once it’s effect wore off a bit, and it would leave you with a killer headache. that was something to worry about later.

you hear five speak, but you can’t focus on his voice, only hearing fragments of what he says. something about puberty. and the end of the world. when he asks what they had been talking about, luther sighs. “two masked intruders attacked the academy last night.”

“they came looking for you!” diego says, the accusation clear.

sighing softly, you let your head hang, “hazel and cha-cha.” you inform him, words jumbled together, “assholes from the commission.”

“best of the best.” five adds on, chuckling, “other than us, of course.” you grin, nodding slightly.

both of the men seemed to be annoyed by your lack of genuine answers, but it’s what they get for thinking that questioning to drunks was a good idea. “the best of what?” luther urges, glaring at five.

“you know, delores always said she hates it when i drink.” five ignores the question, patting the plastic woman on the head as you groan loudly.

you grab onto diego’s arm slightly, “fucking delores. stop talking about her!” you pull yourself up a bit, looking at diego, “he’s in love with a fucking mannequin? can you believe it?” you grin, shaking your head and letting yourself fall back again.

“hey!” you jump as diego suddenly yelled, apparently down to his last straw of patience. “i need you guys to focus.” he stops in his tracks and turns so he could see five as well. “what do they want? this hazel and cha-cha.” his tone is firm, and you’re surprised he’s still expecting actual answers.

you see five’s amused grin and you laugh, but the two men don’t seem nearly as entertained. “we just want to protect you.” he adds on, tone a bit softer but still demanding.

five lets out a mocking laugh, and your grin is obvious. “protect us?” he derides, leaning forward in luther’s arms. “we don’t need your protection, diego. do you know how many people we’ve killed?”

“we’re the four fucking horsemen!” you laugh, throwing your arms up slightly, “the world is ending, and the apocalypse is coming. there’s nothing you can do to help.” you glare at him.

you hear five heave and throw up, and your nose scrunches up. “that’s fucking disgusting-” you can’t stop yourself from doing the same. both the men look at each other in irritation.

taglists

main: @horrorklaus

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five: @anapocalypseinmymind @five-hargreeves-official @insatiable-ivy @coffee-e-addict

let's save the world @aspiringwriter1 @thetrashypanda423 @lilacs-lavender @academy-umbrella

if you’d like to be added to any taglists, just ask!

#tua x reader #tua #umbrella academy x reader #umbrella academy #five hargreeves #five #five hargreeves x reader #five x reader #fanfiction series #fanfic #fanfiction #oneshots #fandom #reader insert #lstw #let's save the world

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