#said i havent been eating well if at all and im struggling
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#ejthehggg#i am so. burnt out. and exhausted. and misersble#every time i think im better im NOT this is bullshit#feels like im back to square one like 10 year old me. fuck.#i need to get up and go wash my hair but even that feels difficult#ive lost my appetite too so im not really eating well#asked my mum if we can buy snack packets so at least i eat something and its easier#said i havent been eating well if at all and im struggling#'those bars arent really healthy though are they. cant you get fruit instead? you cant eat sweets so much' I SWRAR TO FUCOVJDJGNDNAN#i have sooo much work to do and a portfolio to make from scratch im so tired#im in a dazeee i dont have the motivation to do anything anymore#im so sad all the time AAAAAAA#putting a facemask and skincare on to make myself feel better but it just feels like putting confetti on a rock#not even gonna tag this with my ramble tag#im so dead rn#i got yoghurt fruit bars#i guess thats something
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personal life update
Hey yall, i figured i'd take some time to give a personal life update as well as allow myself to vent for a second. I'll start with the positives for those not interested in the emotional bits :]
I've been making more substantial steps towards buying a car! I've been looking into this one Saturn, and while it's got a few minor issues, it's still my best option so far. Hoping to buy it for 2000, or 2500-3000 if the seller is willing to continue fixing the current known issues.
I've also been growing a bit closer to God, and I've been finding peace among the chaos. I'm learning to lean on Him for support - which has been an uphill battle against myself and the feeling I need to cling onto what i can control, but when i have been able to let go it's been very freeing. I'm still working on myself and growing in Christ, but progress is progress.
I recently got promoted to Crew trainer (about a month or two ago). I'm now making 75 cents more an hour than I did this time last year, after two biannual performance reviews and a promotion. I heard rumors that I'd been in consideration for a management position but I havent been talked to about it specifically, and I'm not sure if I'd accept if offered it. Still flattering to know though :]
Apparently more than once, customers have spoken to my managers and possibly even some higher ups praising my work ethic. I think its specifically when working on front counter/in lobby, as I'm most actively engaging with customers then and they can see me compulsively scanning over lobby for trash when im otherwise not busy. Regardless, it's nice to know I'm making a genuine positive impact on customers' experiences and potentially the rest of their days. Today, one such pair of customers is an older couple known for being very particular, occasionally rude/difficult to serve. They had already called our regional manager that day to complain before I was moved up front, saw them, and said hi. Later on one of my managers came up to me and had mentioned they liked me, and I assume said something to them about it. :]
On the flip side, i've been in a depressive funk for several months now. I'm actually questioning if it's a depressive funk, or if I'm always depressed and sometimes it's just...not as bad. But the last few weeks have been worse. I'm struggling to take care of myself, and while it's not as bad as it has gotten before - I went three days without showering this week and lately i've been routinely skipping showers after maintaining showering almost daily for a year.
For the last few weeks I keep going back and forth between losing my appetite, and eating myself into feeling sick. I'm pretty sure this is from grief and will pass though.
My boyfriend broke up with me 3 weeks/almost a month ago. For reasons, although there wasn't any real conflict between us during the relationship, it was more internal conflict and convictions. We'd been getting distracted with each other, putting off other things to spend time with each other. He needed to focus on his health and figuring his life out. Part of me still wants to cling onto hope he'll come back around, wants to go back and fight back against his reasons for leaving, because I damn know he still cares about me more than friends. But I'm trying to just trust that if we're meant to be, God will bring us together again naturally when we're ready for it. Trying to focus on getting my shit together on my end, and let Him figure the rest out. We're still friends, and through the relationship we were always friends above all else, so I'm thankful to still just have him in my life. I'll be okay, but the grief does eat away at me sometimes. I thought I had been recovering from it pretty well, but that was suppression (oops). I keep going back and forth from feeling okay about it, and feeling like a piece of me is missing. I even get mad at him from time to time, blaming him for my hurt feelings. "You promised forever" "you actively encouraged me to open up and lean on you, encouraged me to share my burdens with you, and now im supposed to just be okay with that ripped away" and then i see him, and i remember its not his fault, and he's always had my best interest in mind. Even in breaking up with me, he was doing out of the place of wanting what was best for both of us, and thought I deserved someone who already had everything together and wasnt a mess in himself. I know he genuinely meant every word he said in the moment, because i saw him. I saw it in his eyes. I saw it in his actions. I found the card he gave me for my birthday, and it made me cry, because it hurts my heart to think he's breaking both of our hearts needlessly. But everything happens for a reason, and so I'm trying to just...go with the flow of wherever this season of my life takes me. It hurts to think of either of us moving on with someone else, but whatever happens happens. I have so much love to give, and it's a challenge to find somewhere in the tangible physical realm to put it.
Silver lining, he said I can keep the shirt and hoodie he had let me borrow before. I've been wearing his hoodie everywhere...The only thing stopping me from still carrying my promise ring around is the sensory issues that caused me to stop wearing it to work in the first place.
The few coworkers I've told are convinced we're going to get back together soon, but again, trying to trust God and not my own hopes and dreams lol At the very least, no one can gossip about the break up because they can still see us laughing and getting along fine at work. A different couple had briefly broken up, and the amount of gossip that was floating around was awful - everyone talking trash about either person involved because there was a lot of friction between them. I'm just glad that wont be the case for us, and if we don't reunite anytime soon, at least we can still function at work more or less normally.
thats all tonight folks. Thanks for reading, God bless.
-Mod Bee🐝
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long time no see... *TW|heavy topics|what ive been up to*
Life has been really unpleasant since my birthday last year... & social media is intimidating now, to say the least especially busy social media like Instagram, Twitter, YouTube. Ive deleted both my personal & creative Instagram pages. Havent been on anything except Reddit & Pinterest.
More & more I'm alone... realizing how much I don't have nobody, no family, nothing.. the only person that was in my corner; my traumas made me be so aggressive with him, having my armor on & walls up. Times of being provoked made me instantly think I had to be defensive to the highest extent & now I'm stuck trying to get him back, talk to him... i need him but not in a codependency, negative way but in a good for my soul, mental, emotional way & he agreed{s}
A person is my home & its him.. besides that~i just don't feel like an adult at all.. for me my adult life was supposed to get started at 16{it was} but I didn't know that my own choices was allowed... as time went on I noticed how much I could have my own voice & do my own things...
As of now & recently, ive separated myself from all things that arent for me, all people that are negative & not genuine.. which is the so called family.. i crave love, genuity, positive everything. I don't wanna sit around & talk shit about everyone & everything, acting like everything's ok like these people haven't caused so much pain & damage
Somehow doing that for myself deems me false labels & to be talked about... the amount of self control it takes to be stuck around & in an environment that's negative & toxic takes some real strength! None of these people know me at all so to keep overhearing me being talked about & called some kind of name is so WILD TO ME but that's exactly why I separated myself from it all...
Having to leave my original so called home to come to another house I thought would be my safe haven & now having to leave again just says it all... I'm struggling so bad! & these people wanna think everything about them & say stupid shit like "you wanna be like that alright, when I'm dead you gonna miss me" who the fuck says shit like that... so weird
I literally dont bother anyone, ask for anything AT ALL~not money, not help, not essentials, not food... how my existence & me worrying about myself, trying to better myself deems me false labels... i have no idea. Im just as confused as yall...
Ive tried to depend on these people for a lot of things, be helpful, be there, be the bigger person but everytime it was the shit end of the stick so I literally cant do those things no more, I cant be my authentic self around here... i wish I could be but I cant... the fact that these people don't even know how much I wanna care for them & be there but don't realize the damage & pain they've done & caused is just....*sigh*
He was the only one i could be myself with & I tried not to have the bullshit I grew up around & learned to influence me which then influences us.. but sadly it just overpowered; causing me to look like this cold, heartless, bitch of a person.. when its not the case...
I completely stay away now... no tv, just eating bread, eggs, canned goods, some fruits because I don't take advantage of people{i wish I did though} & I'm not tryna end up hearing that but it just isn't me. I used what money I don't have to get some food, some essentials, something to drink... i stay out the way cause this ain't my house & go downstairs late if I need to make something...I'm trying so hard & nobody knows...
Been forever, decades since i had another suicide attempt & cut yet nobody knows... just wanna sit around talking about what they don't know cause I'm not up their ass, in their face etc... somehow before I even said anything he knew...{he just knows me so well, its crazy}...
I just wish i had a true family, love & genuine everything...i really am love, light, fun, bubbly but like i said i cant be that person{my authentic self}. It hurts but its boundaries & me having no choice but to outgrow all of this...
Now for awhile, I just been keeping my self occupied intelligently & trying not to be irrational, unsafe trying to find an escape from it all. Ive accomplished sooo much intelligently & creatively... have some certificates{currently working on another one & its the only way now my face is seen & voice heard on YouTube} & made a new book{yall now & him are the only people that know} & started reading again{on book 3 now}
Wish i could share these things but I cant. There wouldn't be no genuine "I'm proud of you" just another topic for these people to talk about... I just hope I make it... truly
I dont know if im coming back to social media but I have no money, cant get a job{even if I do, I don't have money for ubers to get to & from} so its creative work & social media as the only ways...
I'm very creative & self aware, ambitious... i wished I knew how to turn all of these skills I have & capable of into a career but I don't know what I'm doing or how to stay consistent.. wasn't taught to push for my goals, reach for my goals, be more than just a child had... but that's all it is.. a curse...
I hope i make it...
♡THANKS FOR READING...♡
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i just need to... word vomit for a minute.
ive been so tired lately. im so drained all the time. ive been drinking monster again even though its not good for me and gives me nosebleeds. i havent been sleeping well. but i am being forced into the position as a caregiver for everyone i live with. i live with my grandparents and my disabled aunt. but i am also disabled and mentally ill, i am just comparatively the most abled person in the house. so i have been thrust without my choice into doing the grocery shopping, picking up prescriptions, helping with any chores or projects my grandpa has, babysitting my grandma. and im not mad about, my family cant help the factors that have lead to this. and my grandparents have said before they want me to have a life of my own and move out and do my own thing. but while im here im treated like a caregiver for all three of them. and maybe it wouldnt be so bad if i just needed to take care of one of them. but its all of them, they all need something all the time and are losing the ability to do things more and more so im having to take on more and more responsbility for the household. im only 22. i just graduated college. i dont even have a nice job yet. and i struggle a lot with taking care of myself. eating, showering, cleaning, seeing doctors, taking some of my meds. and i often end up only having the energy to help my grandparents and aunt and then have no energy to do anything for myself. and i plan on moving out but its scary. im worried about what my family is going to do without me. idk what the point of this was really aside from just needing to word vomit. todays been a hard day and its been a bad week so im just in general feeling pretty shitty. i love my family, but there are more abled people in our family that should be helping. and my grandpa could be doing more to prepare them for when i leave. and he could also be helping more himself because his mind is decently functioning but whatever. i just feel like my family is slowly becoming more and more dependent on me when im planning on leaving and i cant even take care of myself.
#( ooc ) . 💎#tw vent#im just really tired at this point#i only have energy to do things when i drink monster lol#tw family stuff
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I guess it's time yall!
Hi! i currently have 2 fanfics going over on Ao3 and yes they havent been updated in a while lmao but thats because ive been lacking motivation the ideas are there but getting them on paper and also trying to force myself to write isnt going too well but thats why im here! I have decided after reading so many wonderfull posts and fanfics and ask ect from the seduce me tumblr community i wanted to pop on and start taking asks also this is a really good place for me to just vomit my love for seduce me and kpop i have too much information im keeping to myself XD anyway im gonna leave some points here of what i refuse to write about because i refuse to make myself uncomfortable and some other notes about stuff you may request that im not too confident in just so you know what your getting into. Anyway without further adue here are the points and im exited to finnaly be apart of the seduce me tumblr community <3
Things i REFUSE to write about!
OK FIRST OF ALL i WILL NOT write about daddy kinks it makes me uncomfortable and wanna vomit (but thats just me) also i completely agree with Michaela when she says the boys (especially James yeah i see you guys dont get me wrong hes my fav but just no) would not have a daddy kink because of there father it makes total sense to me Thank you for coming to my ted talk.
Secondly ANY FORM OF INCEST IS A NO just no enough said.
Thats about it for now but ill update you guys if anything else comes to mind.
Things im not the most confident with.
Ok so NSFW dont get me wrong im happy to write it i just havent written it before and i have seen alot of cringy stuff in my time XD so if you do request it it might take me a lil while to get it out and it may be kinda well bad XD
Ok first Trigger Warning things like self harm, suicude, eating dissorders ect i myself struggle with anxiety and depression amongst other things so some things i will be good at but i just havent experienced myself quite alot of these types of things which i am verry greatfull for but if i am going to write them i want it to be done correctly and in the right way so ill try my best but bear with me ok.
Ok and thats everything i hope to get some requests from yall soon and hope to be able to nerd out with you all <3
ALSOOOO if your sleeping on mamamoo dont im gonna add one of my fav songs down here for them because i just love them ok ok <3
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ive gained some weight and idk how to feel abt it
ive never been skinny but recently i have realized ive gained a few pounds. there isnt a scale in my house (both my ma and i have struggled w self esteem) but i just can tell. i get that weight fluctuates esp as a teenager but still i feel icky abt it. gaining a few wouldnt kill me but losing a few wouldnt either. no one has said anything to me but still i can tell and its bothering me. i mentioned it to my bf the other day and ofc he said it didnt matter to him. either way its not that i feel bad abt it necessarily well no i feel bad but like not horrible???? like there was a time where id sob abt this but rn i just feel kinda gross abt it like uncomfy abt it. doesnt help that im eating a bagel while typing this. it kinda makes me wanna stop eating again even tho that is NOT the solution to this. the main reason i think that ive gained a few pounds is cause the weather is cold and has been rainy where i live so i havent been going on walks as much, went on my first one all winter yesterday after school, also we started health in PE so i havent had the usual 4 times a week half hour of physical activity that i usually do so thats probably why either way ill probably just walk in the cold and eat a bit better.
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belated thungo thursday! someone's about to be real sad and that someone is ME
dazai: you have to do an impossibly important job for me akutagawa: oka- dazai: keep atsushi safe akutagawa: N E V E R
akutagawa was like 'dont kill the weretiger. not cus i like him or anything, but because if you kill him, he's gonna revive and he's gonna be an even bigger pain in the ass. save all of us the trouble'
NOT fukuchi being like 'respect the elderly' and akutagawa is like 'i don't discriminate. i hate everyone regardless of their age'
am i the only one who sometimes gets a little annoyed at how atsushi and akutagawa are always arguing with each other? like in the right time and place it's very funny and actually very important to their relationship but the two of them will literally put more effort into insulting each other than defending their lives from the powerful enemy who is very much trying to kill them. PRIORITIES BOYS. PRIORITIES. EVEN SOUKOKU DON'T DO THAT
'Do we need any more?' who wants to tell him
(SORRY THAT WAS SO UNCALLED FOR LMAOOAAOOAOAOAOAOAOAOA)
i wonder how fukuchi discovered his ability. like imagine as a kid he was just like hanging out with a friend or something and they were eating chips or something and he jokingly throws a chip at his friend and the impact from that single chip makes said friend fly across the room and land on the floor dead and fukuchi is like 'uh. whoops'
NOOOOO THEY DIDNT ANIMATE THE PART WHERE AKUTAGAWA AND ATSUSHI WERE ARM IN ARM FOR A SECOND BEFORE AKUTAGAWA PUSHED HIM AWAY :(
'four years ago dazai san abandoned me' omg akutagawa taking that shit SO personal. he left because his bestie got killed by some french dude it had nothing to do with your emo ass
'i don't get paid enough to die with a villain!' he was so real for that
holy shit the part where sskk caught the bullets and dropped them i fucking gasped. that was so sexy and for what??? why was that so hot i rewatched it like ten times holy shit hotties
okay akutagawa knowing how to safely choke someone?? i guess we know what he's into
im curious as to why atsushi didnt ask akutagawa to go longer without killing someone- like a year or something. did he think he'd say no? was he thinking 'that's too high a goal for this maniac. baby steps' LMAOOOO
i love how atsushi's run is like this goofy ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ ᕦ( ᐕ )ᕡ thing while akutagawa just naruto runs with a stone cold expression
'should we be outed, my head will be the first to fly' akutagawa on his odasaku arc
(THAT ONE WAS EVEN MEANER HELP IM SO SORRY)
i think its established pretty well now that i find atsushi sexy (and im sure absolutely nobody else does, but dont come for me) his tiger stripe mark things on his face make him look WICKEDLY attractive. argue with the wall
fukuchi live tweeting this crap like 'having a smoke while these gay boys plan to kill me. i'll update if i live lol'
people really always be like 'fukuchi has a point because of his war experience' i guarantee you if you were to approach any actual veterans and ask them if their experience in conflict made them want to plot for decades in order to kill everyone in the world who has ever been a veteran/fought in any sort of conflict, they would NOT give you an affirmative response. shut the fuck up
AND HE'S LIKE 'my struggles have been infinite and nobody gives me recognition for them so im mad' BUDDY WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO?????? AKUTAGAWA IS RIGHT THERE (and atsushi too but i mean he's kinda gotten some recognition for his rough life. akutagawa's gotten NONE)
imagine akutagawa like in beast breaking his arm and yosano is like 'oh dw akutagawa i can fi-' and then he's just using rashoumon to do it himself lmao (does he do that in beast? i havent finished it)
atsushi: i need to defeat this villain me: cus he wants to end the wor- atsushi: because i dont want akutagawa to do it first me:
DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN ABOUT THEIR CONSTANT BICKERING???? DAMNIT SSKK
heyyyyy we finally got an akutagawa ass shot!!! *adds to collection* i
akutagawa: i need to defeat this villain me: cus he wants to end the wor- akutagawa: because i want dazai to think im cool me:
i mean he soon followed it by saying 'i would never work for you because you'll never be as cool as dazai' which is very true, so i guess you've redeemed yourself for now akutagawa
akutagawa in uniform >>>>>>>>
whoever is voicing akutagawa and atsushi in this ep deserves a million billion dollars
im sorry sskk. i didnt mean to laugh. but the sudden triumphant moment being cut off (as well as atsushi's hand lmaoo) made me giggle im sorry
TIGER FISHEYE
this episode got me wondering all over again; HOW is anybody going to defeat fukuchi. there is (seemingly) literally no way to best the spacetime sword (can't be arsed to remember its name im sorry). how the hell are they gonna resolve this. im not smart enough to theorise like the rest of you guys
holy shit what a perfect way to end that episode. like the suddenness of it and screaming akutagawa's name, but also because i haven't stopped listening to tetsu no ori since it came out and i'm obsessed with this song. everyone say thankyou granrodeo
i'm surprised i spent most of that time thirsting instead of crying. let's wait and see what happens next thungo thursday!!
#dia's daydreams#thungo thursday#the sillies#thirsty thungo thursday#haha#alliteration frustration#HAHA#rhyme time#HEHEHAHSHDHDH
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The hero enters, golden hair hanging softly on his shoulders as he enters the chambers of the lich inquisitor Lord Debthian Killgore. The lich coughs and begins to rise in his chair in shock. The guards, his legion of the golden rose must have been dealt with. His nemesis was here, in his chambers. He hadn't expected this, but he would make this, his hour of ascension, his hour of final purification was finally here!
"hold up, Im not here to fight" said the hero, seeing the glowing green of the lich's eyes.
The shock hit Debthian like a wave, but sat still up and attentive, struggling to not let his ancient face twist and betray the shock.
"how did you get past the guards" he said in a raspy voice, each order falling out evenly and slowly. It was his style of speech in addressing all opponents.
"they let me through, I have a complaint to make on their behalf."
"This was more worrying and stranger still" thought the lich sat still for a moment, dust falling from his brow as he furrowed it now unable to contain the worry.
"You havent been giving them their dental like you agreed to." Yes I know they are cultists and plan to ascend to skeletons and be immortal, but its hard to enjoy immortality when you have to get special dentures to enjoy things like eating.
"but they never need to eat, never need to sleep, never need to rest as they remake the world in my imag-"
"cut the crap Killgore." Just last week when you were planning to spread a plague or poison the water supply or something-"
"It was a poison" the lich corrected suddenly, breaking his style to speak swiftly, almost hurt the hero hadn't known his plan.
"That's not important, anyway last week when you did your whole I am the universal constant I am death, speech, I know for a fact you took a bite of the plague apple to make a point. Like your cult followers have been drinking most of their meals after our fights and all the skeletons want to eat hard cheese again."
"milk will provide all the calcium they ever need" he said after a moment.
"bro. You know thats not the same" snapped the hero before sighing and saying,
"they have a list of demands they've been trying to bring up for a while, but they are scared you will well you know."
The lich suddenly gasped softly and leaned back in his seat. "They couldnt think that I would .. to them... Would they?" He looked and felt hurt, that this would be brought to him, not by his cultists which he loved like his children but by his greatest enemy should never have happened.
"So listen, just make sure you pay them out some of the money you get from schemes to them for dental on top of their pay."
The lich tried to recompose himself for a moment, letting himself sit back in his chair, knowing he had to make this right. He couldnt give in, with him, the one who had always opposed him in the room.
"I will consider this" he said slowly his style returning.
The hero nodded understandingly fully that he would, as he backed out of the room and left back to his knightly order of the hussars of the living rose.
A villain has entered the Hero’ main headquarters… to make a formal complaint.
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i havent had the urge to * in a while, and it just crossed my mind.. i need my dosage increased asap !!!!
im okay its just sometimes when my negative emotions gets too much i get too aware of my forearms and i get the urge
i feel especially sad because i was taught that i was unlovable, and i know thats not true... i am loved. its just that every time someone gets close to me, im afraid that they'll see "the real me" and find it unattractive. "the real me" - me when im at a low point, or when i eat a lot or dont eat at all because of my e.d. they'll see how much i struggle with how i see myself and how perfect i have to sculpt myself each day... or, i'll open up more about my childhood and things ive experienced, and they see me as... that. i dont want to be seen as that. i dont want to be seen as the scared kid that i was. and, with my boyfriend, now, his family is pretty stable. he loves his parents, truly, and financially, he's stable as well. i feel like a freak. he doesnt make me feel this way, he doesnt tell me this and he never said anything to make me feel this way... its just that ive been told enough times that my neighborhood is "disgusting" and "sketchy." my house is messy and reeks of cigarette smoke with a mix of cannabis.
i feel like a freak because i dont live inside the norms.... my gender identity, sexual orientation, size, financial situation, background, health.... none of it is "normal". growing up, it was beat into me that i was a freak for it. i believed it and believed it, nd now i cant escape it.
its just another one of those nights where i wish i came from a "normal" family. i just wish i didn't have to struggle so much.
no one deserves to live in such a broken home... no one
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hiiii i hope its okay to add on to this :3 i've had chronic pain for 7 years and here are some things that have helped my pain dramatically :) obviously everyone is different but this is my experience
okay first i dont want to be That Guy that says you need to eat well and take supplements and exercise or whatever but. all of that really does help. you should, to the best of your ability, be attempting to live a healthy lifestyle because that will help your pain. obviously it's easier said than done but it's still probably one of the most important things for pain management.
eating well does NOT mean eating super healthy all the time. number 1 priority is making sure you are eating ENOUGH. your body needs that energy and increased presence of ghrelin (the bitch (hormone) that makes you hungry) has been linked to lower pain thresholds. if you struggle with appetite (i've been there) then protein shakes/similar beverages help. if you are able to, it really helps to eat a balanced diet with vegetables and protein and all that jazz. DO NOT cut out carbs carbs are your best friend.
if you are able to, try cutting certain foods out of your diet for a few weeks and seeing how you feel. you may have a food intolerance that isn't super obvious but is causing a ton of inflammation and other problems in your body (i stopped eating poultry 2 years ago and gluten this year. im not exaggerating when i say it changed my life). gluten is one of the common intolerances but a lot of things can cause it
those migraine ice packs are a miracle sent down from heaven.
also exercise does not mean working out or whatever. i find it's better to think about any form of moving your body rather than 'exercise'. just trying to move around and get your blood flowing really helps!!! don't push yourself, do what your pain allows. but even 5 minutes of stretching or a 10 minute walk is so helpful
standing is the activity of the devil. if you are in a situation where you need to stand you should sit down if possible or try to walk in place. standing sucks so bad because you're activating the same muscles for way too long without giving them a break.
if you are looking into supplements, DO YOUR RESEARCH. they can be very helpful but make sure you're getting your information from credible sources AND. if you are on any medication check to see if the supplements will interact with those medications. if you can check with your doctor, you should.
i personally swear by magnesium and vitamin b (all of them) but yeah do your research beforehand
there are going to be a lot of things that make your pain worse. try to figure out what's worth it!! because [activity x] may make your pain worse for a couple days but you love [activity x] so much that you'll take the pain. or [food y] may cause flare ups but [food y] is so good that you're willing to eat it occasionally. or [activity z] is also going to worsen your pain for a couple days and [activity z] isnt enjoyable enough to deal with that.
this one sucks. it kinda just does. im sorry. stop hoping that one day you will wake up and your pain will be gone. it's hard. grief goes hand in hand with chronic pain and it really fucking sucks. but you have to put your energy to finding ways to decrease your pain and make it easier to live with it every day, not fixing your pain. stop hoping you'll waking up better and focus on just making sure you wake up.
um. yeah. a lot of these are tips on long term pain management because i havent seen much of it on tumblr? like theres some but its harder to find than other kinds of chronic pain content on here. if anyone was curious i have hypermobility (likely hEDS), pots, fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, chronic migraines, and new daily persistent headache :) i can always elaborate further on anything and if anyone reading this has questions then feel free to reach out to me :3
ive made posts like this before for autism and adhd but i recently found out i have chronic pain so i want to share some tips for people who have also recently found out they have chronic pain
take pain meds Before the pain starts. if you can feel a flare up coming on or you're about to do something which you know will cause pain, take the pain meds. its much easier to prevent pain than to reduce it after its already bad
heat packs and ice packs! use them!! if you often get pain in multiple areas at once, have multiple on hand. you may want to invest in an electric heat pack!!
rest when you need to. its not shameful to need rest more often than other people. if you're out and about and you need to sit down, do it!! if you need to stay in bed all day during a flare up, do it!! accommodate yourself, you deserve it. (if you're going to stay in bed all day please make sure you have access to snacks and a drink though. take care of yourself!!)
hot baths are excellent for joint pain
use mobility aids!! if you think it would help, get one. they're so worth it. if you can, go to a physical store and talk to the people there about your needs and try a few out
get a kitchen stool. get a shower stool. sit down while you brush your teeth. there are no rules, dont stand up if you dont need to be standing up.
if you're hypermobile, compression garments can be useful. also knee braces, ring splints, anything that will help stabilise your joints
meal planning!! cook multiple portions of a meal in one go so you can have leftovers when you have no energy to cook. make sure to have some low effort meals on standby too, like cans of soup or pot noodles.
be kind to yourself!! getting through the day is so much harder when you're in pain all the time. you're doing the best you can, even if that doesnt look like someone elses best. you cant help having the body you have, so dont beat yourself up if you cant do everything you want to do all the time.
#and because this post is directed and newly chronically in pain people: its okay to be sad#its okay to grieve. it really sucks.#also just to be transparent. it took a while to get to a point where i have a level of pain i am comfortable living with forever#like its not ideal but i could do it#and it took me 7 years of having pain and maybe 2-3 years of trying to get better to get here
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hello franky. i hope emergency requests are open because im in a huge need of one right now. if theyre not just ignore.
this has been the shittiest week of my entire life. nothing went right, felt extra su/cidal and anxiety wont leave me alone when im trying to sleep. feeling like the most worthless being ever. my birthday was this week but it got ruined. i lost my appetite and havent eaten for 3 days. i wont be able to celebrate christmas properly because i have alot of college work to do. i feel like im gonna break if anything else happens..
i wish i could get some comfort from kid and killer right now(separate or poly, doesnt matter).. sorry for my english, its not my first language.
thank you in advance<3
I am really sorry this took so long I have been very busy, struggling and sick still. I hope you managed to enjoy the holidays a little at least and I hope things aren't as horrid any more.
I hope these brings you some comfort <3
Killer x Kid x GN Reader [POLY] SFW Word Count: 582
Every time anyone came to the door you simply told them you were sick, something that they might catch and imagine how pissed Kid would be if he caught something. That was usually enough to get people to leave you alone. Kid and Killer knew when you needed a little space, claiming you were sick was always your way of hiding the crushing feelings that had become too much to deal with.
You always lied and said you were sick, too worried about what everyone else was going to say, showing weakness as a pirate was bad right? especially when you held yourself to such standards of being ‘scary’ and ‘intimidating’ like the rest of the crew.
Staring at the ceiling, counting each plank above your head, trying to push all the negative thoughts of your head, the things that bothered you until you couldn’t even manage to pull yourself out the bed, it had maybe been a few days since you’d considered selfcare as basic as a shower.
There was a knock at the door, you sighed and rolled over, back facing the door, you knew it was Killer checking in on you again, you didn’t want to worry him, he was too busy to fuss with the likes of you, least you’d told yourself this.
Another knock at the door, you said and did nothing. There was the sound of voices, muffled behind the wood, you recognised them both, it was Kid and Killer.. You were about to call over your shoulder that you were still feeling sick.
The door splintered in half under the weight of a well-placed kick. You let out a strangled confused sound. Looking over at the now kicked through door, Killer and Kid stepped through, Killer had a bowl of noodles in his hand and a glass of water.
Kid sat on side, the bed shifted sending you a little higher, Killer sitting the other side, balancing it out. You sighed and looked at the floor, you didn’t know how to explain to your partners you were under the weather.
“Eat and drink this” Killer instructed and handed you the glass first, you side eyed it but felt Kid’s intense gaze on you. Downing the water and taking the bowl from Killer, the red-haired man let out a hmp as you’d done as asked.
“You don’t need to tell us what’s wrong, we know your feeling like shit” Killer started, knowing he would have to be the diplomat in this situation.
“We just want you to eat and fucking fuck, shower, want me to hose you down on the deck?” Kid asked with a snort. Killer sending him a hidden look.
“I’ll help you shower” The blond said, his hand running through your locks.
“We ain’t here to baby you, or make you feel bad, just you ain’t shown your face in a few days” Kid muttered, shuffling closer to you slightly.
“What if I want to be left alone?” You asked, eating more of the noodles that had been brought you.
“Come have a shower, get some fresh air with us and if you still feel like shit after we’ll fix your door and just let you have more time” Killer said, his hand rubbing your back softly.
“Just try for us yeah?” Kid mumbled watching you nod your head, a small smile on your lips, the food in your belly was already helping but knowing these two carried about you, it was nice.
TAG LIST:
@slut4animedilfs @acesmarigold @undercoverweeeb @sanjithesimp @flameboyace @rae-vynn
#eustass kid x reader#eustass kid x you#eustass kid x y/n#eustass kid#eustasscaptainkid#massacre soldier killer x reader#massacre soldier killer#killer x reader x kid#pol/y#one piece reader insert#one piece x reader#one piece x you#sfw#gender neutral reader#kid x you#kid x reader#kid x yn#killer x you#killer x reader
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berry | k.s.w
pairings: kim sunwoo x female reader
genre: college au, friends to lovers
summary: you are in denial that you have a crush on your own friend, kim sunwoo until he made you confess your feelings.
word count: 1.9k
note: i wrote this on sunwoo's birthday. its quite late to post it cs i kept on postponing it sksksk but yea this was inspired by sunwoo's berry. enjoy reading! xo
-
you had sunwoo on your mind for days that you are lacking of sleep. it doesnt sit quite right for you to have this 'romantic' feelings for your bestfriend. meanwhile, sunwoo is not helping you to clear up your mind at all. he's just always there beside you no matter what.
he'd wait at the bus stop just to go to class together with you in the morning even when you're running late. lunch time together is a must unless one of you had other plans. both of you are just stuck together anywhere you go.
so for once, you thought it'd be a good plan to avoid him today. you woke up early that morning to get to class and you texted sunwoo that you had a discussion with your groupmates. this went on for a few days, you were making excuses everyday but sunwoo believed you.
until he couldnt take it anymore.
you felt your phone vibrating in your pocket and you saw sunwoo on the caller id. you were hesitating to pick it up until you felt someone grabbing your wrist from the back, turning you around.
"found ya!"
sunwoo appeared in front of you with the brightest smile. you couldn't help but to feel happy and welcomed by him that you started smiling unknowingly. you get back to your senses seconds later and avoided his eyes.
sunwoo knew something was wrong when he saw your expression fell. he glanced at your phone that kept ringing. he ended the call and your phone went off too.
"why arent you answering my calls? are you still busy?"
you couldnt stand seeing sunwoo looking all gloomy and upset. you felt bad for ignoring him so you tried making up excuses again.
"oh yea i was about to pick it up. sorry,"
sunwoo pouted and wrapped his arm around your shoulders. he's using his favourite perfume again today, you noticed. that scent happened to be your fav of him too. you felt weak and wanting to crawl into a hole or something.
"im craving chicken today. how about chicken and beer for dinner tonight?"
sunwoo turned his head at you, waiting for an answer. you looked up at him and his face was only inches away from you. you looked away, flustered. he had always been this way but only now you noticed how you felt about him which made it more awkward to be this close to him.
"i dont know, sunwoo. i'll have to check with my groupmates," you said, pretending to check your phone for your nonexistent messages.
"its friday come on. i havent hang out with you for days already," sunwoo whined and that made you laugh.
"alright but i get to choose where to eat,"
-
you chose the chicken restaurant near your neighbourhood where you both are regular customers there. the place was crowded with youngsters like the both of you, drunken with beer and chicken.
you were also getting tipsy from drinking. the first 30 minutes of the dinner went normal. asking how each other had been doing with the college life.
sunwoo sighed and rested his chin on his right palm. his eyes falters on you, searching for something. you looked away, feeling a bit burdened and transparent, because sunwoo knew you werent acting yourself these days.
"hey," he called you but you didnt answer and still avoiding the eye contact.
"hey look at me,"
you were startled at the warmth on both of your cheeks. sunwoo was cupping your cheeks to make you look at him straight in the eyes. you didnt know if this warmth was from his hand or from you blushing.
"what's wrong?" he asked. now his hand moved to yours, holding it tight. "you're avoiding me these days. do you think i didnt notice?"
silence fell between you two, just staring at each other. the guilt creeping up inside you and you didn't know where to start.
its the smallest gesture from him that create butterflies in your stomach.
that one time he opened the water bottle for you when he saw you struggling and saying that you're such a baby. his laughter filled the room when you frowned at the remark. you know how much he loves annoying you and in the end he always made you laugh too.
on rainy days, he'd always share the umbrella with you and keeping you close to him so you wouldnt get drenched. sometimes he'd gently rub your arm so you wouldn't get too cold.
sometimes he'd call you names like how boyfriend and girlfriend do, jokingly. though, you somewhat enjoyed it and played along. pretending to cringe but actually was flattered by him.
at this moment, your hand in his, eyes boring into each other, you just want to scream at him how much you love him.
you smiled in defeat and pulled back your hand.
"there were just so many thoughts going on my mind lately, sunwoo. im so sorry,"
he didn't question you any further and he nodded his head.
"whatever it is youre thinking, i just want you to know i'm always here for you,"
you smiled, this time sincerely at him.
"you always are sunwoo. i appreciate that,"
he smirked, "after all, i am the best that you got,"
you rolled your eyes and gave him your disgusted face.
"so are you gonna tell me what's bugging you?"
"i think i like someone. he's just always running round in my mind these days,"
you didnt know where the courage came from to blurt out that out of your mouth. sunwoo who was halfway shoving a piece of chicken in his mouth, stopped. he put it down and looked at you, doubting himself if he heard that right.
"i couldnt stop thinking about him. that pretty much explains that i like him right? or is it just my mind playing games with me?"
you swore you saw his face fell for a second but he went back to the usual sunwoo after that.
"does he know about your feelings?"
you shrugged, "nah. im still trying to find out what i really feel about him. should i tell him?"
sunwoo didnt say anything and chugged down his beer until its empty.
"yea why not," he answered simply. "he must be really lucky to have you,"
you laughed, "i havent done anything yet. there's a possibility that he'd reject me too anyway,"
its funny how you talk about this like its some stranger to sunwoo when you are talking about him. you felt light hearted a bit after letting that out.
"who'd reject you?" sunwoo said while playing with that piece of chicken, not looking at you anymore. "you're pretty and fun,"
you raised an eyebrow, wondering if you heard that right. he was still poking the chicken with his fork, eyes hazy and lips pouting.
"so you're not gonna tell me who is this guy you have a crush on?"
"you'll find out soon,"
-
sunwoo offered to walk you home though you kindly told him he didn't have to. he insisted and now you are walking beside him. he was suddenly quiet after the conversation you had with him.
"is that why you're avoiding me? because you have a crush on this guy?"
he asked, hands in his pockets, eyes looking forward. you looked at him, feeling a bit weirded out by his cold tone.
"no... okay maybe? i dont know. i just needed some time to myself,"
sunwoo fell quiet again for the rest of the walk home. when you reached the front gate of your house, you looked back at sunwoo. he looked like he was upset. you walked up to him and pat his side.
"hey thanks for walking me home. i'll tell you everything when i'm ready okay?"
sunwoo didnt say anything and you turned around to get out of that awkward moment.
"no i'll tell you everything right now okay? hear me out,"
you stopped in your tracks and facing him in confusion. he was pacing around, his hands are restless in his pockets.
"before you confess to him i guess i have to make a move on you first," sunwoo said, this time he raised his voice. "this is why people are saying we should always tell what we feel before we regret it and i dont want to regret it but i think im too late,"
you are worried at him. he looked like he was about to break down right in front of you. you wanted to comfort him but you didnt get what he's trying to say.
"sunwoo, i dont understand. what is it?"
sunwoo stopped pacing around and stopped directly in front of you. you swore you saw his eyes tearing up and you wanted to cry too. you thought, the alcohol has made both of you emotional.
"i like you,"
you both felt like the world is weighing down. it was as if the time has stopped for you two. you were staring at each other in disbelief.
"i know you like someone else and i shouldve told you sooner. i kept on putting back my feelings behind," sunwoo halted, gasping for air. "im too late now but i have to tell you this,"
"sunwoo-"
"i dont care who he is. but i want you to know that you deserve of love. you kept on telling yourself you dont deserve anyone. you know how badly i want to tell you that im here? i want to love you," sunwoo was practically shouting at this point. he sighed, "shit im already am in love with you,"
at those words, your tears came streaming down like crazy. you've never seen him cry but tonight he looked beautiful even when he's crying. you lurched forward and wrapped your arms around him. he buried his face in your neck and you felt his warm tears on your skin.
"im sorry. i just wanted to let that out after keeping it for so long. this is the worst timing huh?" he murmured under his breath.
you shook your head and laughed. you let go of the hug first and cupped his face in your hands. teary eyes staring at each other.
"sunwoo its you,"
"what?"
"i love you too,"
you closed the distance between the two of you, kissing him for the first time. that caught him off guard but then smiled in the kiss. it was sloppy but sunwoo is for sure leading you well at this. you both craved for this for a long time already. you were still crying of relief and touched by his confession.
"you should've told me before i start crying like an idiot," sunwoo looked down at you, smiling with his swollen eyes.
you laughed at him and you snuggled more into his embrace not wanting to let go too soon. you realized how much you miss him after those dreading days of ignoring him. he rested his chin on your head while gently patting you.
"im sorry ive been ignoring and denying my feelings for you,"
"its okay. thank god we actually like each other though," you both laughed at the same time and you havent felt this happy and giddy before.
"so i can actually call you my baby now?" sunwoo asked smirking at you playfully, knowing how much you hated it before.
"that's still cringy but sure, babe,"
#kim sunwoo#the boyz#the boyz scenarios#the boyz imagines#the boyz fics#sunwoo fluff#sunwoo scenarios#sunwoo imagines#kpop fanfic#tbz fanfic#tbz imagines#tbz scenarios#sunwoo oneshots#tbz oneshots
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"Emmet having to pretend Ingo is just his pokemon while they're in the pokecenter drives him up the wall"
Ok but at least he's there for food poisoning, if he ever gets stuck there for a few days for non-food related reasons it'd be worse. If they think he's a pokemon, they'd probably give him standard pokemon food. As in kibble. From a bowl on the floor.
Oh lord ok ok calm down we got this its fine im fine. CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT THAT WOULD DO TO THE MAN????? ok ok im not fine im not.
But lord help him. Ok ok breathe. I can do this. “Prompts user has a mental breakdown at the idea of mentally scaring a man”
So i dont care why Ingo is at the center so im not doing set up today. But he has to stay there over night. Emmet is not ok. They wont let him stay too. Rude. So since Ingo is tectonically a wild pokemon he has to stay out the whole time. Have yall ever been to a vet??? Have you seen the small small small “kennels” they keep them in??? Ingo spending the night in one of those. Ok if you havent seen one imagine what they keep the cats in at pet stores. They are very small. Ingo doesnt do well in cages. But hes ok he knows where he his. Its what happens next that makes his stomach drop. The nurse comes by to feed everyone. She opens the door, pours a scoop of dry pokemon food in his bowl. She gives him a pet on the head “time to eat up little guy” he hates it. She closes the door and move on. Great im writing set up. Which i said i WOULD DO DAMN IT. Im ditching this. New set up move over
~~~~ moving over for new set up~~~~
Emmet and Ingo had been at the center all night. It was morning and Emmet left to see if he could find them something to eat. They hadnt eaten since the day befors breakfast. While hes gona a nurse comes in and hears Ingos stomach growl. She giggles at him. And leaves only to come back with two silver bowls. She places them on the floor. Pours a water bottle in one and pokemon food in the other. Ingo just looks at her confused. “Oh srent your adorable” she walks up to him pets his head then picks him up under the arms. His stomach growls agAin. She giggles at him again. “Lets get you something to eat shall we.” And moves to the side of the room. She sets Ingo down on the floor infront of the bowls. Then it clicks for him. She wants him to eat. Oh. Hes shaking. More like trembling. She leaves him (ok yall might think thats lazy of her but i had a dog sho would not eat with A stranger in the room)
He just sits there. Lost. His mind derailed. ‘I am Ingo i am human. I am Ingo i am humAN’ uh oh. What if he never gets his old body back. What hes stuck like this for the rest of his day. Oh boy What if Emmet gives up on him. This is his life now. Hes not even a person anymore. He cant do this. But then again he cant do anything. Hes a pokemon. No thats not right he is Ingo and he is Human. He stands there. Looking at the bowls. And what they mean. He doesnt know when the tears started falling. He doesnt think about that. His mind is lost on a track that just circles back around and around. He is Ingo and he is human.
Like five minutes later Emmet walks in loudly. Mild panic at not seeing Ingo right away. Frantically looks around. Sees his brother with his back to him looking st something on the floor. “Ingo?” Oh Ingo snaps back to reality(woop there goes gravity) slowly turning his head to face his brother. He has to look so high to meet Emmets gaze. That isnt helping. Emmet is just shocked at his brothers face. Then he sees why. Two silver bowls sit on the floor at his brothers feet. Emmet angry. “I am Emmet. You are Ingo My brother!” Ingo just looks down. Emmet walks up to him, kneels down to be face to face with Ingo. He places his hands on Ingos shoulders. “You are my brother. You are not some pet Ingo. You are human!” Ah Emmet said it. Exactly what Ingo needed to hear. A rush of a hug. Emmet just holds him. He knows his brother is struggling with this. Ingo faces his humanity everyday. If Emmet has to keep reminding Ingo hes still human than so be it. At least he feels like Ingo believes him.
Ok ok i kinda lost it. I know crap job. But like as i was going i forgot the angst. And why eating off. The floor from a bowl would kill the man. But i tried to round it back i just couldnt get it right. The idea of this kills me though. Poor fucking Ingo. The humiliation of it all. Maybe the shame? Idk but our lilman is having his midlife crisis. Idk the actual word for it.
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Secrets chapter 3
Summary: ellies birthday and mothers day is coming up as emotions and pent up anger are spiraling between you, negan, and jack while more and more secrets begin to unfold.
18+
Warming: nsfw, fluff, kink, depression, abuse
Sorry for the late update on this chapter its kind of a short one ive just have been going through some personal things and havent found the motivation to finish this one yet.❤ i hope you all like it!❤
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You and negan haven't spoke in a few days ellies birthday is today and you have been busy decorating. Negan is suppose to be picking up the cake at the store. jack has returned back from his "business trip" withq an odd hickey on his neck that keeps gawking at you everytime you speak to him. You want to avoid conflict because you arent so innocent yourself after what happen with negan last time you saw him but thats just not who you are....you have to confront him but you also dont want to ruin ellies day infront of everyone.
"Hey jack, do you mind helping me with this streamer" you called out to him from the ladder
"Sure hun" he took the streamer from your hand taping it up to the wall
"Thank you.....uh negan should be here soon with her cake" you said folding up the step ladder
"I could of went and grabbed it" he scoffs
"I uh..well sorry i didnt know it was a big deal" you try to laugh it off politely
"Dont even worry about it...." He walks past you ramming his ahoulder into you heading outside
Negan had arrive with the cake and so did a few of ellies friends and your mother. You and your mothers relationship really has never been that great but you try to make peace with it for ellies sake. Negan came in with a huge gift box all wrapped in pink with a bow.
" i thought we agreed nothing crazy" you whispered to him
"Whaat...can i not spoil my girl" negan grins at you
Ellie runs out of her room her eyes light up at the size of the gift her dad got her.
"Mommy look at this...its humongo!" She says messing with the bow
"I see honey..dont mess with it yet" you giggle
"Where is your boy toy.." His tongue slides across his bottom lip
You kept silent while negan stared you down waiting for a response but nothing came out his eyes were burning a hole through you he always knew when shit was up.
"Ah i see....the silent treatment" folding his arms
Negan walks off to go play with ellie and say hello to a few people when your mother walks up to you.
"Hey mom..." You say emotionless
"What is negan doing here.." She asks
"Mom...please dont. Thats ellies dad. I told you we are trying to work on things for ellies sake" you say annoyed.
"Well...once a cheater always a cheater. Im just saying" as she sips on her cup of wine walking away
A few hours have passed and ellie got to blow out her candles and eat cake. Jack still hasnt said much to you throughout the whole party and its more than obvious that negan is starting to catch on im just hoping he doesn't notice the hicky on his neck. Ellie has been bugging you about negans gift so you were going to let her open it.
"Ellie open it up over here sweetie so everyone can see" you say smiling
Ellie quikly rips the hot pink rapping paper off and squeals in excitement as she realizes its a electric scooter that she has been wanting. Negan was standing by your side with his hand sneakily rested on your lower back with a huge smile on his face.
"Oh my god you got me that scooter!!" Ellie begins jumping up and down
"Negan....those cost alot" you whispered in his ear
"dont worry about it....i got it taken car of" he says sternly
"Lets take it outside!!" Negans runs over and picks it up in excitment with all of the kids following him outside to ride on the scooter. You were throwing away dirty plates when jack came up to you
"So you want to explain why you and negan have been so close" he quietly says to you
You instantly start to burn with rage as he asks you that knowing he has been keeping things from you too and the fact his assistant melissa has been speaking to him inappropriately. You were holing the knife in your hand for cutting the cake reminding you of the incident that happened between you and negan once you found out he was cheating. you froze and gripped tightly on the knife thinking of how to approach this.
"You're a fucking whore..." He spat at you
"Jack.....get the fuck away from me" you quietly say
"Yeah i bet thats what you want.....so he can fuck you" he says through gritted teeth
"Its. Ellies. Birthday.....fucking knock it off we can settle this later" you slowly set the knife down unclenching your fist
Jack stands there glaring at you with his jaw clecnhed before giving up and walking away. You let out a sigh of relief and pour yourself a glass of wine. You take a sip closing your eyes feeling like everything is going in slomotion in that moment when you here yelling outside and notice its negan and jack. You drop your glass spilling your wine everywhere running outside.
"Back the fuck off man!" Jack yells with his fist balled up
"Ohh...you really want to go there dude..." Negan laughs
"You are fucking (y/n) and i know it!" Jack lunges towards him throwing a punch hitting negan in the face making him stumble
Negan catches his balace reaching up to his face touching where jack punched him in the mouth realizing he is bleeding negan licks the blood off his lips and lets out a sinister almost scary deep chuckle.
"Oh...you fucked up." Negan lunges towards jack football tackling him to the ground he starts punching jack over and over again blood all over his fists
"Negan!!!...no! Stop!" You rush over trying to pry negan off of jack
"Negan stop for ellie please!" You begin to cry struggling to finally get him off causing you to fall backwards with negan on you
"You are a dead fucking man!....now get the fuck off my property..." Negan threats
You push negan off to go check on jack you try to get jack to respond to you and see if he is okay but he just spits in your face shoving you away causing you to fall before you know it negan charges back over and starts beating the shit out of him all you can do is scream at them and cry. Through tear filled eyes you notice the cops rushing up the street pulling into the drive way the last thing you remember is the cops pulling negan off and everything went black.
---------------------------------------------
Jack and negan were both arrested but were soon let go apparently i had fainted due to stress and dehydration they kept me in the hospital until i was better. You kicked jack out of the house and you haven't spoke to negan since ellies birthday. Things have been rough being alone for ahwile and ellie was getting upset about not seeing her dad.
Text from negan:
Hey....im coming by
You looked at your phone to see a text from negan but you just ignored it and continued to cook some food for ellie. There was a knock at the door you sighed annoyingly before unlocking the deadbolt and opening the door to negans innocent brown eyes staring back at you. before you could give him a chance to speak you shut the door in his face but he quickly caught it in time with his foot in the doorway before it closed.
"Negan...ellie should be home. She is still upset" you sigh
"Thats okay i want to make it up to you two" he says pushing the door open coming inside
You just stand there silent with your arms crossed untill you hear ellies bus coming down the road and before you know it she busts through the door yelling.
"Mommmyyyy! Happy mothers dayzz!" Ellies runs up to you handing you a picture she made at school
"Awe...thank you sweet heart its gorgeous" you took the pink paper from her smiling and when to hang it on the fridge
"Look i want to take you two out to dinner...its mothers day and you deserve it..look i know i fucked up but that asshole had it coming" negan says
"Negan dont.....go ask Ellie she is the real one you need to be apologizing to not me" you stare at the ground avoiding eye contact.
"Ohh ellie daddy wants to talk to you!" He walks off to her room
-----------------------------------------------
You, negan, and ellie were all out at dinner at your favorite steakhouse enjoying your meal when the waiter brought a bottle of wine
"Negan....i cant afford that" you quietly say
"Ah ah....you deserve it i mean you are the best mom ever" he winks at you popping the lid off pouring wine into your glass
"Thanks..." You shyly say before taking a sip
"So.....the school fired me" negan cleared his throat
You choked on your drink hearing the words that had just came out of negans mouth
"What?..how come" you say wipping wine off your chin
"Well....they dont want me as a coach anymore since what happened at ellies birthday. They say its wildly inappropriate and against policy to still have me there" he bites in his steak
"What are you going to do..." You ask worried
"Ohhh no biggie i always have things taken care of" he smiles at you
"If you need anything im here..." You look up at him
" i know....thank you" he reaches across the table holding your hand
The three of you finish up dinner afterwards you all go for a late walk through the park. It felt nice to get out and have some fresh air after what happended at the party. Your phone kept buzzing off the hook of texts from jack you kept trying to hide it from negan to not let him worry. You felt bad hiding it from negan but you knew it would start a fight but you also didnt want to let jack go without some talking. Negan took you and ellie back home ellie ran inside and got ready for bed.
"I know he is talking to you..." Negan says sternly while placing one hand against the wall beside your head
"Negan....can we not talk about this right now" you say turning your head away from him
"No!...you will look at me when im speaking to you" negan grabs ahold of your chin forcing you to look at him
"Yes....yes im still talking to him.." You say embarassed
"Why....he is such a load of whoreshit....im standing right infront of you (y/n)...im here now! Take me back please. Im an honest man now!" Negan growls
" get...off of me!" You scream and shove him away from you and begin to walk angrily down the road
"(Y/n) get back here now!...where the fuck do you think you are going!" Negan trys to catch up with you when it suddenly starts raining
"Negan stop trying so hard!...this is going nowhere!" You say crying
"Why do you keep saying that!...i want this to work!" Negan finally catches up to you grabbing you by the arm spinning you around
"......well i dont..." You choked on those words as they slipped out of your mouth it felt like your heart had just stopped for a split second it killed you to say that to negan but it had to be done
"You....dont want this." He said quietly and upset with rain drops running down his perfect face
"Negan....i.... I cant. You have to let me go" you say caressing his face" you said giving him a half smile with a single tear rolling down your cheek
"W....what about ellie.....thats my babygirl" Negan begans to tear up pulling you into a hug
"You can still be in ellies life.....i start therapy next tuesday" you say ending the hug
"You can talk to me (y/n)" negan sniffles
"There are just things that just feel easier letting out to a stranger sometimes..."
"I love you....." Negan says bresthlessly
"....i love you too but from a distance.....i have boundaries set now negan"
You and negan began to walk back to the house getting inside you hand him a towel to dry himself off. Negan follows you to the bedroom.
"There are still some of your clothes in the closet...." You say facing away from him
"You still have some of my old clothes here...." Negan opens the door seeing his shirts still hanging in the same spot before he moved out
"I didnt know if you still wanted them or not..." You say nervously
"Its okay. Thank you" negan takes off his soaking wet shirt switching it out with an old faded band shirt
"You can sleep on the couch if you would like..." You offer him
"You sure you are going to be okay with that?" He raises an eyebrow at you
"Yeah....plus its been lonely here just me and ellie" you chuckle handing him a blanket
Negan takes the blanket from you before turing around to open the bedroom door to leave. As soon as the door shut you quietly sobbed making sure it wasnt loud enough for negan to hear. You wiped your tears away before getting yourself ready for bed. You tossed and turned for most of the night your head filled with unnecessary thoughts and cenarios. You just wanted all of this pain to go away you dont know what you are doing with yourself anymore the only thing that keeps you holding on is ellie and negan.
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hc | boyfriend ♡
req (from: unheoly) ➥ : Hi ate Louise! Can I please get general boyfriend hc for Mark and Jaemin? 🥺 Thank you <33 have a great day/night ✨
☄︎ summary: as athena requested,, just some general boyfriend hcs ♥ ☄︎ with: mark lee, na jaemin ☄︎ lou.note: THIS . is so self indulgent and messy bc i have so many thoughts on bf mark and jaemin hahaha enjoy reading!! <3
ੈ⋆ renjun & jisung ver.
Mark
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the fully capable, always reliable boyfriend
he’s always there when you need him!!
and sometimes you dont even need to tell him- its his spidey senses
struggling with an essay? mark will talk you through your thoughts so you can write
havent eaten breakfast or lunch ? expect for food to be delivered at your door step
need cuddles? he will burst through your room unexpectedly
if you dont drink enough water, be ready for a text from him saying “drink water rn i know you havent and its already noon 🤨”
he just knows what need, okay? questions dont need to be asked !!
mark likes to send you random pics throughout the day too
he could be at an album shoot but will still send you a pic of a flower prop with “look its so pretty! just like you :)”
i think he can cook... keyword: think
so if he has this dish that he’s already mastered he’ll make it for you
he’ll still be up for takeouts though
BUT if its you who knows how to cook,, well youve got yourself a loyal customer
he’ll probably use his charms puppy eyes when he wants you to cook a certain food for him
regarding arguments, he can be a little bit distanced at first
since he knows he could say something or raise his voice even tho he doesnt mean it (like have you heard him scream at the dreamies ksadjas)
sp he’ll take some time to cool off but he will talk with you as soon as you two could
and with that, fights are never a problem honestly
moving on to: dates
he’s really a pro at it by now
opening all doors for you, carrying your bag for you, holding the chair out so you can sit, etc.
i can see him liking to go out on karaoke nights with you,, but he really loves spending quiet days with you
one memorable date you two had was when you spent the whole weekend together
he never felt so much peace and comfort before in his life ( ˘⌣˘)
mark usually plays the guitar for you on facetime
when you spend nights together he will still do so
he’s never said it, but one of his favorite things is to see you fall asleep beside him while he’s singing to you :’)
being with him is such an experience but you wouldnt have it any other way
mark is your adventure and your home
Jaemin
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the all-in-one, ever-loving boyfriend
you love him, your family loves him, your grandparents love him, your friends love him,,,, everybody just loves him
he’s an introvert but he does all he can to make a good impression on the people who are important to you
its bc he’s big on the family and friends acceptance thing too
and its also because he’s never been so sure about spending the rest of his life with you haha but you dont need to know about this .. yet
jaemin is the embodiment of the word ‘everything’
the reason is he’s not just a boyfriend
he’s your best-friend, teacher, chef, bodyguard, and so. much. more
honestly think of something you’d like in a guy right now
you know who has it in him? its na jaemin.
he really cares for you and wants you to have only the best
you always say, “i already have you, jaemin so i already do have the best”
he will malfunction on the spot, no cap
but anyways,, he’ll do anything you ask him to
need some help with cleaning? alright he’ll be there in a few
want some bobba at 2 am? unlock your door he’s already bought your favorite
his phone is filled with your face
he’d have thousands of things in his gallery,, but more than half of those are just your pics and videos
his homescreen is a goofy picture of you two when you guys went to lotte world
but his lockscreen would only be you,, he took it when you were sleeping on his shoulder on the way home
HE’S JUST SO SOFT AND LOVING ♥(╯︵╰,)♥
besides physical affection, he’s the number one on words of affirmation as well
jaemin says all the words you need to hear in every situation you’re in
and arguments usually doesnt happen bc of that
he’s very open and will encourage you to be so too, bc he never wants to waste a moment in this lifetime not talking to you or being mad at each other
/drumroll/ now we’re on dates!
he’s not a big fan of going outside (i can feel it in my guts)
but as i said,, he’ll do anything for you so a picnic near the han river or biking around a park will still be nice for him
i think cafe dates would be a thing with you two
and jaemin ... gosh hold on
he’s so sweet !! and so he’ll be the type to let you taste his food and if you like his better, he wont mind letting you have it
and ~fancy~ date nights, he’d be the type to cut your food (like those big steaks) so you could eat first
nights with him are out of this world (not that ya nasties)
what im talking about is how he prepared for these sleepovers
he’s sheets would be fresh from laundry
and his room would smell like heaven bc he would have your favorite scent sprayed before you come over
and !!! youre wearing matching pajamas <33
during these nights, you’d often have deep conversations
he loves it the most bc he gets to hear your most honest opinions
and your voice is the last thing he’ll hear before drifting off 😌
nothing can compare to having him in your life
because even if its one hell of a ride,
jaemin is gonna be there beside you though it all
#nct#nct dream#nct jaemin#nct mark#na jaemin#mark lee#nct imagines#nct dream imagines#jaemin imagines#mark imagines#nct scenarios#nct dream scenarios#jaemin scenarios#mark scenarios#nct headcanons#nct dream headcanons#jaemin headcanons#mark headcanons#nct fluff#nct dream fluff#jaemin fluff#mark fluff
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[tw medical abuse, mention of child abuse, fatshaming]? i have a huge fear of doctors now after being repeadly mistreated as a child and teen by them.
one of the last times i remember going was to grab a letter that allowed me to apply for therapy at 17, i asked my doctor specialized on working with children and teens, if i may have a bandage for a blister. it was 42C outside, i ran to make it to my appointment on time and i was wearing brand new leather sandals. he said with a smile that he wants to check it out first, confused i agreed and let him inspect it. "this wouldn't have happened if you lost weight. just as i thought this i caused by your obesity. you need to stop eating so much junkfood and work out." my mom kept me on strict diets and refused to give me food since i can remember and i had 5 hours of dance class a week, pe and i went swimming laps every weekend he refused to listen as usual.
at 16 i had an accident in PE, my teacher forced me to go beyond what i was able to do due to hypermobility even after i tried to explain it over and over again she simply blamed my weak joints on my weight, my wrists gave out and i fell on spine, i couldnt see i couldnt hear i couldnt breathe everything hurt so bad. i refused to be sent to the hospital because i was afraid it would be blamed on my weight. the pain didnt go away i couldnt lift my arms i couldnt lay down and after struggling for a week i bit the bullet and went to a doctor. he refused to treat me. he barely touched my back and only after i begged him repeatedly, obviously disgusted by me. then concluded again that im fat and need to diet. i pressed on and on until he finally agreed to have me x rayed. i had a nasty contusion and the intervertebral disc's were badly inflammed. even after seeing those results and diagnosing me, he refused to treat me. telling me itll go away on its own and i should diet. after more arguing and begging he prescribed me pain meds and was 'generous' enough to excuse me from PE, but refused anything else. i now have horrible chronic back pain. i havent been to a orthopedist since. my pe teacher failed me that year for being too lazy.
years later, when i was forced to have a check up for my social welfare the doctor ignored me when i mentioned my chronic back pain. i told him it hurts to put any outside pressure on it. he made me lay down and pressed with all his weight where i told him my injury was. he blamed the pain that was so bad i started crying on my weight.
how am i supposed to trust doctors? these are just a few examples. last autumn i slipped and sprained my toe so bad i was sure it was broken. i couldnt walk, couldnt move it, it was so dark blue it looked black. i refused to see a doctor, yes my toe still hurts and i cant stand on my tip toes anymore but this beats having to see a doctor and it made me realize there is absolutely nothing i would seek a doctor out for*. well other than my endo i see irregularily because having to exist in public is just traumatizing for me at this point. she is fat herself and she never tells me to diet or blamed my pcos/hashimoto on my weight but her substitutes always did, reminding me that she is a rare exception. they questioned the diagnosis she gave me, the prescriptions and ive heard the receptionist talk shit about her...
*(before someone flames me about corona and not wanting to see a doctor, i'm privileged enough to be able to stay home and have been quarantining alone since march 2020.)
#health#doctors#healthcare#fat discrimination#trigger warning#abuse#parents#family#school#submission
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