#sadblogging

[karmasreal]

The uniquely queer experience of having tons of queer friends in your youth and then over time everyone just... goes back into the closet and is "straight" again

[elvencantation]

.

[lilangelcamsgf]

I'm tired of waiting for you to show me what I mean to you

[vsuicidalgirl]

[universe-of-peoples]

Maybe soulmates aren’t always we were made for each other from the start. Maybe we made ourselves for each other over time.

Maybe at first we were separate saplings but with time we grew together until our trunks and branches were so intertwined that there was no me or you, only us.

What am I meant to do with the empty space of where your trunk and branches used to be now that you’re gone?

[myselfishworld]

Most of the worst hatred all raised by good memories.

H.K on Time Doesn’t Heal

[holdsteady]

truthfully feeling quite pathetic basically begging people to hang out with me lately

[ghostzzy]

and maybe i'd feel a little differently if i thought there was any real chance that i was ever going to meet someone and fall in love and cohabitate with them and be at least partially supported by their income. but that's unimaginable to me, so.

[yokowan]

its so weird when you process all the complicated emotions from a deeply upsetting event and all that's left are the simple ones.

the messy guilt and the inadequacy and the weird sludge of feelings you don't even know how to name get sorted. you work through those in a healthy way, everything has been made sense of in a manner you can digest. and now you're left with the simple shit.

you're lonely. you're sad. you feel lost. there's nothing to unpack there, there's nothing to figure out. the simple ones are easier to function around, sure. you don't spiral, you don't freak out. but they just sorta sit there for a very long time. and they suck.

[so-this-is-me]

Already felt so bad, and this absolutely crushed me. I cannot live with myself anymore.

[goldlightsaber]

depression is weird cause like. ill be clearly depressed and have a diagnosis of low-grade depression but ill still be like “yeah but not really though? that’s fake. if i just got back to working out more, i obviously wouldn’t have it. if i had like two close friends nearby, id be cured, so i just need to make more friends, which i can’t seem to make, so the spiral continues, and that’s my fault.” it’s like, am i depressed if i feel excited about something? do i still have it if i finished a book and enjoyed it? that doesn’t seem possible. it’s just a set of symptoms, not something tangible like a tumor. so maybe im making up. yeah i struggle to do chores but maybe i just don’t have as much will power as everyone else. i still get out of bed and do the required things so maybe i just need to find that one thing that will cure me but im not capable enough to figure out what that things is. and so on

[elvencantation]

.

[oceanfloorfires]

Its my birthday and I'll cry if I want to, etc

[vsuicidalgirl]

[thunderbabybear]

A scream tore itself from her lungs, the cry filled the air and hot tears poured from her eyes. She had never, from anyone's memory, been so loud in her life. When the scream cut into the air it moved into the silence like an animal, her voice was threatening to stop at any moment but the gutteral noises ripped out of her against her will.

This was the sound of loss, unknown to some, familiar to others, and it filled all the space that should've been for sounds of relief and laughter. Kay, Jim and Peony wrapped themselves around each other, Nimbra, Enid and Asumyn got to their feet, and the world stopped in her eyes.

When the rope got pulled Pearls had seen more than enough, she watched as her dad, the first person to show her love and compassion, cut his connection to the world. She had seen Nimbra take hold of him while they were inside, but he looked tired. She watched him put the last of his strength into pulling himself out of her grip. She watched Nimbra’s face fall. When Antolio looked to his friends' faces, they could see in his face that he had long made his peace, in the middle of a battlefield like a soldier to the end. Long ago Istus had warned him of fate, he had prepared himself, he just wished while he looked at their dismay he prepared them as well. He was surrounded by writhing, shadows, long arms, claws grasping around for any purchase and yet, he smiled when they got pulled away. They still had each other. 

“Take care of Pearls for me”, she swore she heard him say it, and Pearls scrambled past everyone, throwing herself towards the gaping void.

It all happened so fast, and Calypso was the first to see her move, and the one to catch her as she desperately pushed towards the rift. Pearls squirmed almost painfully in the grip, but Calypso held tightly, never imagining someone so small would be able to exert so much strength, so much wild, ferocious, desperation. Pearl’s skin felt tight, her eyes burned and her voice cracked. Her frame wracked in merciless sobs. The grip was tight, not unlike the bear hug Antolio put Calypso in before leaving, it had been strong, almost as if he knew it was goodbye. It was almost in a way like she needed it, like somehow the father instinct knew to pass on his strength. Pearls reached her hands out, screaming for her dad, begging for the love she couldn't reach. She meant to say, “I love you” but her words couldn’t come out.

Pearls ears were ringing, her mind felt like it was trapped in fog. She squeezed her eyes shut, and pretended not to see it, but her memories were rushing around her. Her heart pounded painfully against her ribs.

Pearls thought back to the week before, as Antolio had sat by her side after Christmas with an embroidery kit. With nimble hands she helped him untangle and sort through all kinds of floss and yarns. When she was asked to help him with a project, excitement radiated through her, she had helped him pick through gems and metallic threads, bits and bobbles for his friends, her friends too she thought and smiled. Lio made it a point during the time he spent crafting, over and over, to take out any askew stitches and carefully he would line up the threads straight. He has gotten a pair of black wire rimmed glasses, despite having good vision in the past, and would wear them at the end of his nose while princking the fabric over and over. His eyes had grown dull, he could tell he had been nearing the end of his time. Pearls thought they made him look silly, but she never watched him work so hard, his brow furrowed in concentration, hours of work on projects a man like him would've had done in just a few moments. He would mutter “It's got to be right, this time, they need to be perfect”, and he'd look up and sigh, dropping stitches and thanking Istus for the time he had to work, smiling when the string pulled neatly through. None the wiser to it Pearls scrunched her eyebrows and reminded the tiefling, “These are for our friends, they don't have to be perfect, remember, the thought is what counts dad”, and her dad smiled, and put a hand out to brush her hair back. His voice had sounded tired, and he muttered, “yes, the thought is important, let's make sure it's made with enough love to last them a lifetime”. Pearls liked the way that sounded, she always thought love was the important part of the gift. 

She remembered the rootbeer barrels he snuck to her and Kay after a long trip, and the little toys and trinkets littering her bookshelves. A wind up bird that reminded her of Kravitz, Lio's retired pocket knife she used when he taught her wood carving, a torn up painting missing pieces as if it had been bitten hung in an ornate frame above her desk, and countless stuffed toys, bugbears, krakens, and wild beasts, even a vampire bat. Her most prized momento sat on her desk, her dad's corporate name plate, Kay had swiftly taken it and brought it to Pearls when Kira had replaced it last, it was too a gift of love.

 It's always been the love in these items that made them special to her, so she was excited for her friends to get their new gifts too, she saw the love put into them, she hoped her dad's work would be appreciated. Nimbra’s gift, a bandana, a deep crimson maroon, with gleaming daggers and flourishes at the bottom, and one small that matched for Crow; Lio revisited the time they spent being cowboys while he stitched away, and how happy he had been to have another bandit on his side. He told Pearls in a shaky breath that he knew that she had a hard time admitting she cared, and reminded her that often like the two of them, the people who have lost the most, are the ones who need loved extra. Pearls made a pinky promise with her dad that day she hadn’t fully grasped, to show Nimbra unconditional love in case he didn’t have a chance. She just heard it as a promise to be a good friend to Miss Nimbra, and so she promised she and Kay would be her friend no matter what. For Asumyn, a pastel dyed hair wrap made from light, iridescent fabric, stars adorned the front, and a moon was stitched in silver thread along the front; he and Pearls would rave about the beautiful ocean of waves her hair resembled, and his long neverending stories of the sea made him think of her now. Lio would tell Pearls about how proud he had been when he saw Asumyn display her powers, and learn to experience the world. Pearls smiled, she thought of Asumyn and Calypso as an extension of their little family already, she couldn’t wait to make them come to goddess brunch too when the world calmed down. Enid was the hardest for Antolio to pick right away, she was always so prepared and on top of things, something practical would've been his easiest choice, but Pearls has convinced him of something while they were shopping for supplies, much like himself Enid never took a second to relax, or to let others take care of her. So, for Enid, when the choice was made, he picked something for comfort, as she brought to everyone else so often; a large purple blanket, embroidered with shining crystals, big sweeping flourishes, and small gems. He laughed to himself and wondered if she'd ever need it, since like his partner Enid has no real need to sleep, but the two deserved some rest all the same.

The memories of her dad brought Pearls a moment of comfort, he was a lover first and a fighter second. He always had been. But as the rift then closed, and a streak of black pasted in her vision her breathing stopped and hitched. He loved her. He loved her?

So why did he leave her like this?

And why did Kravitz have to leave too? 

He took her away from her family in Thunder Bay, he showed her kindness and love, and now was he just leaving her? When he first got her and brought her to the base, she swore she was going to die, but she remembered what she was taught by her mother, to be quiet and polite, “maybe” she thought to herself, “he just needed a maid and he thought I was a good worker, so he'll keep me safe to do work for him”. She quickly realized that wasn't the case, he bought her everything under the sun, her very own bed, with her very own sheets that she got to pick out, and he spent hours on a step stool filling her ceiling with glowing butterflies and flowers after a particularly hard night where she couldn't sleep. He painted her room, and filled it with plants. He would have his rappig, Iren, follow her in and sleep at the foot of her bed to keep her safe and warm. Within days he melted through her initial fears, and she learned that more than anything they needed the same thing, family. 

It was just one week after the “child heist” that she had accidentally called him dad. Antolio spent hours in his room crying, he could hardly face her. In her mind she ruined the first bond she ever wanted to keep, she quietly cried and slipped a crumpled up note under his door on pink stationary he bought her, in green gel pen she had wrote in her best handwriting “Mr. Antolio, I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to make you cry. Please forgive me. I understand if you hate me, I didn't mean to call you dad, I didn't mean to make you upset. I promise I'll be good now, please forgive me.” and she signed Pearls at the bottom neatly. After a hard call from Antolio, Kravitz was the first one to visit her, even before Antolio had the chance. Slicing himself into the hallway he knocked and made his way into Pearls’ room. Though Kravitz felt inexperienced in it, he was the one to explain that Lio’s cries came from fear, and from happiness, he sat with Pearls at a cramped table with a children's tea set and joked about how Antolio told him in secret about how he wanted to take care of Pearls, and how excited he was when they went to the Inn to get her. Kravitz in what felt like an instant, became to her a loving, sweet, second dad. Neither him nor Antolio had ever done this before, both were stumbling through the dark with two goals, keep her safe, and love each other. That night, after reading her note, Antolio apologized and over mac and cheese dinner told her about his family, the one he missed, his wonderful wife, and the world he left behind. He promised her he would live up to the title, and asked her again if she’d call him dad. They both cried. 

The weight of it all hit Pearls, he had tried so hard, he wanted her.

He loved her, so why couldn’t she get free fast enough to save him?

Stupid.

Stupid. 

Not strong enough.

What was she missing? 

Her dad’s voice rang through her head, countless pieces of bad advice scrambled into her head. Kravitz got in, she wasn’t fast enough. She didn’t lie, or cheat, she followed all the rules. Should she have done more?

“Pearls you’re so smart, I love you kiddo, y'know I’m proud of you right? I’m sorry I always get you mixed up in Ol’ dad’s shenanigans.”, his voice and a memory of walking with him, after the two had turned into bears back at the school filled her head. She thought about all the times he took her to Sophies to train and learn. Had she not trained enough? Why hadn’t she done anything?

She thought about how Kravitz had so quickly plunged into the darkness with not even a moment’s thought. A feather fell near her feet from his flight, black inky and glittered with bits of green and purple, and she crumbled under her own weight at the sight of it. She outstretched her hand and picked it up, closer to the rift now, her eyes locked onto the bracelet that had come out with the party that Lio had worn, a gift of time she no longer had with her dads. She rushed over to it and grasped at it, now her found fathers now just two memories in her hands. 

“Why wasn’t I a better druid?” her voice cracked out to nobody in particular, “Why wasn’t I a better daughter, is that why they’re gone?”. Her voice an echo of Antolio’s, “why wasn’t I better?”, the soundtrack to every nightmare of his wife, his friends, even the loss of Jim.

She looked at Kay through stinging eyes, both dad’s embraced, and wept. Kay was a good daughter. Now Pearls wasn’t even sure she was one. 

She sobbed, she prayed, and she begged for Istus to change their fates. She screamed for Raven Queen to let them pass safely, her heart never stopped banging on her chest as she thought of every god and every prayer she ever had known, trying to come up with answers. But for now they were silent. She wondered if even the two goddesses she regarded as grandparents had left her now. Anxiously she wondered how the goddesses, who hung her art in temples, and on the deep obsidian obelisks in a throne room, and came to Kravitz two bedroom apartment for a brunch they didn’t even have to eat that she and her dad’s would cook and slave over on the weekends, could let her out in an ocean of guilt and loneliness like this. She wondered if she ever mattered if she didn’t have them now to help her. 

Pearls wanted her dads, she wanted held, she wanted Kravitz to come to her with tea and a blanket because he was too cold on his own. She wanted a fairytale from Lio about his exaggerated stories. Her heart craved to be home. 

[myselfishworld]

…and the life feels like spinning fast, sweeping emotions, granting new hopes, and cycle like an engine who never runs out of fuel. While somehow in the past, it feels like a clock refuse to tick, trap me into beautiful sadness, dig down very deep that hold every breath coming from my mouth.

H.K on Time Doesn’t Heal