#sacha baron cohen imagines

[bound-up-feelings]

hi! i love your work sm :) can you do one with sacha being really jealous of how close his s/o is with their male co-star and they end up having a nasty fight and he makes up for it later. like really angsty and smutty!! ;))

Well of course he's jealous

Your co-star is just getting really close and a little too friendly and, in his eyes, you're not doing much to stop them from doing anything

Of course, without him noticing you're telling them that you are not interested and that you are taken anyway

Now he does end up lashing out and making a complete ass of himself and ends up pissing you off as well

You even went as far as going to a friend to just cool off, they understood why and let you stay as long as you needed

The next day he goes to your friends house and asks to talk to you

When you eventually come out, he is immediately apologizing 

He even starts to get pissed again, but at himself this time

Eventually you end up forgiving hIM and you both go home

When you get there, the house is spotless, and he even cooked dinner in hopes his apology would bring you home

Of course, this is better than anything you could've expected 

He is attending to your needs all night long 

He is such a gentleman that he even goes as far as carrying you to bed and getting a bath ready for you

After the bath though things start to get heated

He's kissing you and caressing your body in all the right ways

Not even missing a spot on your body

His eyes piercing yours as he kisses down your body and begins to worship you in all the best ways

Let's just say that the night was dedicated to you and he made a promise to make you feel loved and cared for and he fulfilled that promise ten hold

(Hello! I am so sorry. This request has been in my inbox for a hot minute and I am just now get it out, please forgive me lol. i hope you enjoyed it!)

[miss-bvnny]

And what if none of their souls were saved? They went to their maker impeccably shaved

My own little spooky challenge for the month!! Two of my favorite things: Sweeney Todd 07, and giving fictional characters government assigned fursonas!!

Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett - Dalmatian and Red fox

When I started this, I KNEW I wanted Todd to be an animal that was black and white. The monochromatic theme in Depp's version of Sweeney is SO Tim Burton that I wanted to preserve it. ALMOST settled on a skunk, but the thought of dalmatian spots mixing with blood spots was TOO cool of a concept in my eyes. TBH there WAS a time when I was tempted to make him a fox, because Sweeney TODD. Get it? But I held off because I didn't want to reuse specific animals TOO much. Speaking of which-

Mrs Lovett was always a fox from the first second. It fits her entire character (Seductive, trickster, lots of red, not to be trusted) FAR too well. The way her ears are posed are also supposed to bring a pair of horns to mind. Something DEEPLY wrong with this woman <3333

Lucy Barker/Miserable Woman - Afghan hound

PROBABLY a very uninspired and obvious choice, but...I wanted to draw ''hair ears'' lmao. Sweeney describes her blonde hair as one of the only things he remembers about her, so I wanted a dog breed that naturally had long blonde hair about it. I de-saturated her colors for her ''Miserable Woman'' look to make her look sadder and dirtier.

Anthony and Johanna - Mutt and Golden dalmatian

Yes I KNOW they look like Scamp and Angel okay. The inspiration was intentional but I might've accidentally strayed...TOO close to the source.

Johanna was one of two characters that took me on a bit of a trip. First she was an Afghan just like Lucy, then she was a doe, but I decided to have a little more fun with her. I made her a golden dalmatian, with the ''dalmatian'' coming from her father and the ''Golden'' coming from her mother. I imagined she's a bit like Oddball from 102 Dalmatians, where she's actually ''blank'' aside from the spots on her face and the two on her shoulder (she gets these ones from Todd) The black on her ear is also from Todd. I could have chosen the easy way out and made her look like her mother, but in my own silly way I thought it'd be fucked up if she looked like her father, considering the scene they share near the end of the movie.

Anthony is a sailor, so I gave him a very ''Sea dog'' mutt look. I just kind of...combined a bunch of traits and characteristics that I thought would work for him. You can see a LITTLE of Toughy from LATT in him, only because I liked the eye patch and all the scruff.

Tobias Ragg (aka Toby) - Bat

Toby was a fun one!! Oh, look how adorable he is!!! Since Toby has the final kill of the movie, and he kills Todd at that, I wanted him something small and cute but...potentially very dangerous. I settled on a bat, because they're very cute and they can carry rabies!!

And yes, that's his wig he's carrying. Didn't know how to portray him holding a pie, and I wasn't about to draw him drinking a bottle of gin, so I thought his little wig might be cute. He was honestly one of my favorites to draw <3

Adolfo Pirelli - Ring-tailed lemur

Pirelli is a ring-tailed lemur for two reasons. The first reason, is because since all the other animals are quadrupeds, having a bipedal animal felt more ''exotic'' to go with how he's seen as very special and from out of town. It makes him stick out naturally as someone of note.

The second reason he's a lemur.......is because he's played by Sacha Baron Cohen in 07.

Beadle Bamford and Judge Turpin - Hyena and Vulture

Yeah I'm just gonna come out and say it - Beadle Bamford is one of my fav characters in this movie so I made him a Hyena out of pure favoritism. Having Timothy Spall play him the same year he was Nathaniel in Enchanted was just for me, I think.

Originally, Turpin was a lion. Because...Bamford's a hyena...and they're the villains...sooooooo....yeah. And I WOULD have stuck with that, but....he's described as a vulture in No Place Like London. And while I knew my designs didn't have to adhere to that...I felt like ignoring it would have been stupid on my part. Glad I stuck with it, since...I gotta admit it works REALLY well for him. I've never drawn a vulture before, and it was fun to try something new anyway <3

[imagine-sacha-baron-cohen]

imagine sacha baron cohen not enabling genocide

[mariacallous]

Fugitive Wirecard COO Jan Marsalek wasn’t just responsible for Germany’s largest financial fraud in history. He was also a decade-long Russian spy.

In the city of Lipetsk, 300 miles south of Moscow, stands a yellow chapel. Somewhat out of place next to a modern mirrored-window building, situated on the lip of a roundabout, the 200 year-old Church of Holy Transfiguration caters to the faithful of a large mining town that dates back to the era of Peter the Great. Inside, Father Konstantin Baiazov performs the customary rites and rituals for his flock. Dark and bearded, with a short, military-style buzz cut, the church’s archpriest’s routine is standard – services twice a day. Father Konstantin inherited the job — and the calling — from his own father, a revered Orthodox priest who, as local legend goes, had challenged the authority of the formidable KGB during Soviet times.

Konstantin, the father of three, used to travel abroad. He liked visiting Europe, and was particularly fond of Rome. However, he has not left Russia since September 2020. Since the fifth of that month, Father Baiazov’s official passport, numbered 763391844, has not belonged to a man of God. Rather, it belongs to someone who wears a different kind of white collar, looks a lot like him, and is the most wanted man in Europe.

For more than four years, Jan Marsalek, the former chief operating officer of the disgraced German financial services company Wirecard, has been living in Russia under this assumed identity, a year-long investigation by The Insider, Der Spiegel, ZDF, and Der Standard has uncovered. Wirecard, the German equivalent to PayPal was once a DAX-30 listed company, one of the wealthiest traded entities on the German stock exchange, with a valuation of $28 billion. Then came June 2020, when, in the midst of an audit, Wirecard could not locate €1.9 billion in assets it claimed were being held somewhere in the world – Russia, the United Arab Emirates or the Philippines. In fact, the money didn’t exist. Wirecard’s worth was predicated on commissions supposedly earned from three companies, Al Alam, Senjo and PayEasy, based in Dubai, Singapore and Manila, respectively. Wirecard money flowed into all three but the only documented flows in reverse existed in the German conglomerate’s imagination. Or, as the now imprisoned former CEO Markus Braun claims, it had been funneled away to a complex web of offshore accounts controlled by his then number two, Jan Marsalek.

Marsalek, the man responsible for overseeing the forging of company records, money-laundering, and extensive espionage and harassment campaigns against the journalists and speculators who exposed the enormity of Wirecard’s graft, fled in a sinuous route from Germany to Austria to Belarus to Moscow on June 19, 2020, at a moment when COVID-19 lockdowns made movement across borders more difficult than usual for ordinary citizens. But Marsalek is not only an internationally accused swindler. He is also an agent of the GRU, Russia’s military intelligence service, and he has been for the last decade. More recently, since his defection to Russia, he has also done jobs for the FSB.

The Insider’s investigation is based mainly on confidential documents, emails, and chat transcripts, as well mobile phone and travel data. Research into Marsalek’s past also included interviews conducted by our consortium partners with people close to the accused. Among these are his mother and his longtime recruiter-handler, whom Der Spiegel met up with in February at a five-star hotel in Dubai.

The never-before-told story of how the Austrian-born “whiz kid” was recruited to Russia’s largest and most notorious spy agency, the GRU, bears all the hallmarks of a genre-bending ham thriller. Sacha Baron Cohen as Bernie Madoff the Bond villain. It is a saga replete with honey traps, MiG fighter jets, erotic models, sinister ex-spooks, even more sinister mercenaries, counterfeit passports, fake priests taking Syphilis tests, and cheap disguises. More ominously, the story also involves surveillance and kidnapping plots, including surveillance targeting a member of the team that investigated Marsalek’s case, Christo Grozev.

[tres-pistolas]

Imagine sometimes I'm the Sacha Baron Cohen of the dinluke fandom only much less funny and things start to make sense with the dinluke fanon trope adventures

[adamwatchesmovies]

Hugo (2011)

Martin Scorsese is not known for his family films. You associate the name with gritty crime stories. So what drew him to Hugo? Perhaps he wanted to try something different? On top of being suitable for the whole family, the picture makes impressive use of 3D and special effects. If you’ve seen Hugo the whole way through, you’ll know why. I suspect Scorsese connected to this story on a deeply personal level.

In 1931 Paris, 12-year-old Hugo Cabret (Asa Butterfield) maintains the clocks at Gare Montparnasse railway station. His alcoholic uncle Claude officially does the work but he’s been gone for months and as long as the machines keep the time, Station Inspector Gustave Dasté (Sacha Baron Cohen) won't ask any questions. This means Hugo is free to focus on the automaton he and his father were repairing before he became orphaned. Hugo keeps to himself, occasionally stealing parts from a toy store owner, Georges (Ben Kingsley). After he is caught and his book on the automaton is confiscated, Hugo befriends the toy maker’s goddaughter, Isabelle (Chloë Grace Moretz). He hopes she can help him get his book back.

There’s no way you can guess where this movie is going. The surprises along the way are a big part of the fun and the screenplay by John Logan (based on The Invention of Hugo Cabret by Brian Selznick) is in no hurry to get to its big reveals. As Hugo goes about his day, we meet all the characters who frequent the station. Richard Griffiths plays a man pining for a dog owner (played by Frances de la Tour) whose pooch can’t stand him. Shy Inspector Dasté wants to approach a beautiful flower saleslady (Emily Mortimer) but is embarrassed by an old war injury. Christopher Lee plays the owner of a book store who probably knows more than he lets on, Papa Georges is hiding something from Isabelle. And then there’s the automaton Hugo is repairing. How is it tied to his father? There’s enough going on with these characters that it doesn't matter if you don't know where the plot is going. You’re having a great time simply getting to know them, admiring the performances (Moretz does a flawless accent) and enjoying Scorsese's direction. Check out the way the camera moves down chutes, through crowds and then into the secret openings into Hugo’s home or the breathtaking shots of a long-gone Paris.

Ultimately, this is a small, personal story. The world’s fate does not rest in the hands of Hugo. The secrets we uncover deal with very human tragedies but it’s shot like all of reality hinges on the lonely boy finding a friend. After Hugo is over, you remember specific shots, specific characters and the emotions you felt while watching them. These would attract any director but I suspect Scorsese wanted this project specifically because the film contains numerous references to specific events in the history of cinema. We see a clip of Harold Lloyd’s Safety Last! and the film’s most iconic shot is re-imagined later on. The Montparnasse derailment of 1895 is reimagined and Scorsese gives us to opportunity to relive the shocked reaction audiences would’ve had while viewing “L'Arrivée d'un train en gare de La Ciotat” - that famous shot of a train coming towards the camera that supposedly had audiences falling out of their seats in terror - by shooting it in 3D - literally having the train come right towards the screen and frighten us. There are many other references to the history of cinema throughout. If you love movies, you’ll get an extra kick out of these scenes.

Hugo is moving, warm, romantic, tragic and exciting. It goes in unexpected directions and the surprises make the movie feel big while also keeping it small and intimate. The performances are excellent, the characters fully realized. The only mark against it comes from the presentation. This movie is meant to be seen on the big screen and in 3D. Few people will be able to see it that way now. If that’s the only flaw you can find in a movie, it's doing a lot of things right. (On Blu-ray, September 25, 2020)

[nek-ros]

watching sacha baron cohen go through another racist meltdown makes me think abt that time israelis beat the shit out of him. imagine almost killing sacha baron cohen and failing to do that. truly the weakest cringe army on this planet

[mostlysignssomeportents]

This day in history

Tomorrow (July 30) at 1530h, I’m appearing on a panel at Midsummer Scream in Long Beach, CA, to discuss the wonderful, award-winning “Ghost Post” Haunted Mansion project I worked on for Disney Imagineering.

#20yrsago Briefing the court on Fuck https://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/crime/passionate-defense-f-word

#15yrsago UK’s ISP-record industry deal won’t stop infringement, but will make it harder for the record industry to cash in https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2008/jul/29/internet.digitalmusic

#15yrsago TSA destroys the RepRap’s first child http://blog.reprap.org/2008/07/tsa-really-wreck-reprap-child.html

#10yrsago MIT report on Aaron Swartz’s prosecution is out, and it’s a “whitewash” https://tarensk.tumblr.com/post/56881327662/mit-report-is-a-whitewash-my-statement-in

#10yrsago Rotolight sends fraudulent takedown notice to censor unfavorable review https://notesonvideo.blogspot.com/2013/07/using-copyright-infringement-claim-to.html

#10yrsago US spies supplied intelligence on investigative journalist to NZ military http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/8972743/US-spy-agencies-eavesdrop-on-Kiwi

#10yrsago Kill City Blues: Sandman Slim versus the elder gods of the dead mall https://memex.craphound.com/2013/07/30/kill-city-blues-sandman-slim-versus-the-elder-gods-of-the-dead-mall/

#5yrsago Quiet Skies: Air Marshals are following thousands of random Americans through airports and on planes, for no articulatable purpose https://apps.bostonglobe.com/news/nation/graphics/2018/07/tsa-quiet-skies/?p1=HP_SpecialTSA

#5yrsago Sacha Baron Cohen confronts Roy Moore with a beeping “pedophile detector” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kaJaDx51iw

#5yrsago Universal, having learned nothing from its “dancing baby” ass-kicking, is once again attacking Prince fans https://www.techdirt.com/2018/07/30/universal-right-back-it-issuing-dmca-reporters-video-prince-fans-singing-purple-rain/

#5yrsago Wall Street landlords are slumlords https://www.reuters.com/investigates/special-report/usa-housing-invitation/

#5yrsago GOP candidate who campaigned with a white supremacist condemned for Bigfoot erotica https://www.huffpost.com/entry/bigfoot-porn-house-race-virginia_n_5b5ec4f5e4b0de86f4988800

#5yrsago John Oliver’s scorching debullshitification of Facebook’s apology ads https://www.vice.com/en/article/bjb745/john-oliver-facebook-ads-last-week-tonight

[taylorrepdetective]

but is the tv show confirmed? the sun is the one who reported it?

Here’s the thing with the Sun. They clearly have sources that feed them information that is sometimes true. But what happens is it’s usually partly true. Sometimes mostly, but often just a sliver. For example, last summer the Sun reported that Taylor was working on new music, a new album. They were right! But all of the other details were wrong. So most likely their source saw some information about midnights and about eras tour (the photoshoot, information that she was doing something with Gracie Abrams, Girl in Red, Muna, Phoebe) and they extrapolated that it was going to have 70s sound (based on the aesthetics) and she’d feature these acts on the album. And they made it sound like she was still recording it, when in fact, it was done and about to be announced. Who were these sources? Is it actually just Tree feeding them bits and they extrapolate? Is it someone who works on the business side of her projects who only had part of the story and extrapolated? Who knows. The Sun knows well that people don’t remember that they got the details wrong, only what they were right about. And that gives them credibility when the next leak happens.

And the next leak was that they were the ones who reported that she and Matty were dating and that he would be at the Nashville show and that there would be some sort of PDA onstage. If Life and Style or OK! had reported it, no one would have paid attention because they are always wrong (they’ve had Taylor married and pregnant 37 times in the last 15 years.) But the Sun has a track record, so people jumped. Now, this reporting was interpreted as he would come up on stage and they would kiss and confirm their relationship or something. But what their PDA actually boiled down to was her mouthing “this is about you, you know who you are” like he does when he sings About You. Which was just as effective to confirm their relationship (and create an entire new alternate universe to write fanfiction about.) Who was this source? Was it Tree, or was it someone in the business side who found out Matty was on the guest list and reads Deux Moi and extrapolated? Who was the source for the Toe dating leak? Who was the source for the Tom dating leak?

So in this latest case, this is such a random interaction between Taylor and this succession writer, that it’s hard to imagine the morons over at the Sun coming up with it themselves. So one might think it’s at least partially true. For example, maybe Taylor did meet with the writer. But are they working on a TV show that is about Taylor’s relationships? That part seems a bit far fetched and “tabloidy”. So my guess is that yes they talked, but who knows what the scope of the project might be or if it will come to fruition at all. If it does, at some point we’ll find out something more, and we can put together some pieces. And it reminds me that she had dinner with Sacha Baron Cohen a few months ago. Will that ever come to fruition, or was it just dinner?

So, for me, I will be setting my VCR (which does not not exist. That was the joke. Not a great joke, but the point is, it’s way too early to get excited about anything.)

[nsfwhiphop]

Incoming Text for Sacha Baron Cohen:

Hey, Sacha!

I want to encourage you to do some research about Asian banking, try to learn as much as you can about creating your own bank in Asia.

Can you imagine a bank owned by Sacha Baron Cohen in Asia?

Picture that for a second. You will become very powerful in Asia and you plot with Natalie and Gal Gadot and Chuck Lorre and Jerry Seinfeld.

You have to send your Jewish friends to Hong-Kong and ask to learn the rules of the game, the banking game in Hong-Kong, we will open our own bank in Hong-Kong and we will hide all our money there.

Don't forget to explain your problem to Jackie Chan, he is the Governor of Hong-Kong, he will help you find all the information you need.

I'm convinced that this is the solution to all our financial problems, we must have our own bank in Hong-Kong.

That way we will protect our wealth and we don't have to kow-tow to this Evil regime. They will never subjugate us or force us to submit.

The end of the conversation.

Take care bro! Peace.

[drowninginredink]

If ur not up for your blog to become a discussion hub you can delete this ask but notthatalex' analogy of "but for some reason, people are really scared to roast you, excluding you entirely from that dynamic" I don't think quite makes sense. Within a friend group there Will be healthy boundaries. So therefore there should be some too when we joke to an audience. People roast and joke their friends because they know each other, have given the ok and know they dont hold ill will - if that isn't the case there's a clear problem that should be ideally addressed! Comedians like the ones in Smosh have a platform which I think is ok to demand it to be used responsibly. There's a difference in making a joke where the punchline is "get it ? it's a gay guy, that's funny on its own" and making a joke that happens to include gay guys/their experience for example. Also as much as we want them to, jokes can't exist in a political void. It's already been well documented that memes, jokes, comedy can be absolutely used as a propaganda tool and that some "jokes" are actually meant to represent the creator's political stance. A good example from not too long ago is Sacha Baron Cohen who lately appeared in the news for his Zionist beliefs, while he's built his career around making fun of "arabs" that people have been giving him the benefit of the doubt for for years saying it's "satire".

I mean my intention was never to be a discussion hub, but only because I never expected anyone to care enough about what I have to say to send me asks. So sure, let's do this!

But yeah, I would say I'm a bit more in favor of restricting comedians than Alex, but I think what you're saying is kind of misreading him. He made it pretty clear that there are good jokes and bad jokes you can make about anything. And my biggest opinion is, aside from the fact that yes, "I'm a gay guy and that's funny on its own" is problematic... It's also not funny. If you ask me, the biggest thing that makes something funny is surprise. And bigoted jokes are hacky. They're not creative. "Haha this group is bad/weird" is a thing we've all heard before. It's not unfunny when my family makes a joke about Chinese people eating dogs because it's racist, even though it very much is, it's unfunny because I've heard that joke a million times.

But I think the friendship example is actually perfect because roasting a friend requires knowledge of said friend beyond hacky stereotypes, so it's going to have to go beyond easy bigoted jokes. Again, I do agree with Alex in the sense that you can joke about anything, but you've got to do it well. And again, bigoted jokes just aren't funny. They're all overplayed. The only reason people find them funny is because they agree with them.

And yeah, it does suck to be the person in the friendgroup who feels like they're being treated with kid gloves. It's all about knowing people's lines. I know seeing the TNTL roasts of Angela made me so uncomfortable at first because I basically am Angela and the particular points they were hitting are things I'm super sensitive about. So if I were her, I would have felt like absolute shit. And then I saw her say how much that made her happy because she felt seen, and how it meant so much to her. And that's made me actually really embrace that view of it and encourage my friends to roast me like that. Because you know what? This is who I am, and I do want you all to see me in my cringe glory. Because being cringe is a good thing. So like, to me, that's what Alex is saying. You've got to know the lines, but imagine how it'd look if they never went after Angela.

Also I don't exactly keep up with Cohen, but I have seen... Whatever the name of that movie was over my brother's shoulder and needless to say, it was a yikes and I don't know how we let anyone who made it say he was at all progressive. I mean, to be fair, of course it was a yikes. If my dad likes a thing, that's always a red flag.

[bound-up-feelings]

Sacha Baron Cohen

Sacha Baron Cohen: Absolutely Infatuated

Sacha Baron Cohen: Lazy Day

Sacha Baron Cohen: In charecter

Sacha Baron Cohen: Locked Doors

Sacha Baron Cohen: To Make You Laugh

Sacha Baron Cohen: Dancing on the edge

Sacha Baron Cohen: Surprise!

Sacha Baron Cohen: He Gets Hurt

Sacha Baron Cohen: NSFW Headcanons

Sacha Baron Cohen: Taking care of him when he’s drunk

Sacha Baron Cohen: Him being complete opposites of his s/o

Sacha Baron Cohen: Stargazing

Sacha Baron Cohen: Him being jealous of your co-star NSFW Hc’s

[somebaconlover]

Hugo (2011)

Directed by Martin Scorsese

Cinematography by Robert Richardson

Starring Asa Butterfield, Chloe Grace Moretz, Ben Kingsley, Sacha Baron Cohen and Jude Law

"I’d imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured, if the entire world was one big machine, I couldn’t be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too."

[komotionlessqueenmm]

Imagine # 882

Pictures NOT mine.

Year posted - 2021

----

"She loves me! She could never love someone like you!" Time shouted at the taller man, who in turn scoffed at him. "She could never love a thing like you, you are but a machine. What could you possibly offer her?" Stayne argued, making Time growl in annoyance. "I could offer her anything she desires." Time fired back. "And if she desires a child, how will you give her that?" Ilosovic smirked. And Time stood frozen, unsure of what to say. "What is going on in here?" (Y/n) asked with a stern look upon her face, as she barged into the room. Stayne froze in place the same a Time who remained stunned by Staynes previous question. "Well?" (Y/n) crossed her arms waiting for an answer. "We were just-" Time tried, putting on a false smile. "We were just talking about relativity." Stayne cut in, throwing out a random response. "Don't lie to me Ilosovic, I heard what you said, what you both said." (Y/n) hissed at the pair, taking a step back when Stayne tried to approach her. "(Y/n) please." Time tried as he rose from his seat. "Darling." Stayne reached out for her only for the pair to freeze when (Y/n) shouted. "ENOUGH!" She uncrossed her arms, glaring at the pair. "But I love you." Both men replied in unison, their confessions making (Y/n)'s heart ache. "And I you, but I cannot choose between you." She responded softly, her heart torn between the pair. They stood silent, both aware of the truth behind her words. "What if..." Time tried, freezing for a moment when Stayne glared at him. "What if you didn't have to?" Time questioned with a sheepish look upon his face, his words confusing (Y/n) and Stayne both. "What do you mean?" (Y/n) questioned. "Stayne is right... I cannot give you everything... I cannot give you children... But I can love you for all of eternity." (Y/n)'s eyes softened at his words, while Stayne glared daggers. "Stayne could give you children... And though I hate to admit it... He can also offer you happiness." Time continued, trying to ignore the cocky grin that bloomed on Staynes face. "But I cannot make you choose between us... So what if perhaps... Perhaps we could..." Time tried, suddenly finding himself unable to say the words aloud. "Out with it." Stayne insisted. "We could share?..." Time whispered meekly. "Share?" Stayne questioned, tempted to laugh at the notion. "Would both of you actually be willing to do that?" (Y/n) questioned almost as meekly as Time had suggested it. Her question freezing Stayne in his thoughts, wondering if that was something he would be willing to do. "I would." Time insisted, the two of them casting their eyes to Stayne. "Ilosovic?" (Y/n) called to him, his eye snapping to her face. "If it means you'll have me." Stayne smiled at the hopeful look upon (Y/n)'s face. "Then yes I would." He agreed. An uncharacteristic laugh escaping him when (Y/n) hugged him in her excitement.

[silencethesigh]

Pickpocket

Monsieur Thenardier x Reader - SFW

"What've you got up that skirt, love?"

You feel the master of the house's gaze wandering, but his hands stay put. At least he's that much of a gentleman.

"Nothing for you," you mutter back softly with a hint of your usual humor with him, and he pretends to clutch at the open wound that is his heart.

"Mademoiselle, your words poison me," he says in an exaggerated posh accent. "No love for the maitre de maison tonight, eh?" He wiggles his eyebrows, clutching between his legs.

"Not tonight and not for a week, you dog!" the Madame's shrill voice sounds off behind him. "Just think, you're off with your pants undone while I cook and clean--!"

"You don't bloody cook, woman!" Thenardier moans, wincing as he's pulled by the ear, "And we make the girl Cofrette clean, don't we?"

"It's Cosette, you drunk bastard!"

You watch the tall ginger get dragged off by his wife, a salacious look on his face as he winks back at you, and wonder why the man has never made a real move on you. He talks a big game, always flirting with you, always making lewd comments and bragging about how he could make you scream. Yet he never does anything about it. You'd expect a man like Thenardier to feel you up any chance he got. Instead, he always kept a curiously respectful distance. Which brings you to why you were staying at the Thenardier's Royal Inn, of all places.

Due to unfortunate circumstances, you had fallen on hard times. Not much different than anyone else on this side of town, but at least you were still living, mostly hygienic and not chronically ill. You like to thank god for that every night, if god hasn't abandoned you for women with more coins in their purse. Needless to say, you had ended up dining at the local inn every night with what little money you had left. Their prices suited your poverty, so it was a good arrangement.

Ignoring the boorish man's comments, you sit down at your regular table at the back and order a slice of the regular shepherd's pie.

After finishing, you look out the grimy window into the night. Unfortunately, all the inn's rooms are filled with inebriates and hard working whores tonight, so you would have to sleep elsewhere. Gathering what little things you have, you give a small smile to the Monsieur, who is watching you leave with a funny sort of look on his face. Strangely sober.

Shrugging it off, you head outside to find yourself a place to sleep.

You feel hands on your back. As you turn around quickly, the hands slide downward, to grab at your ass. You try to scream, but threadbare gloves that smell of the sewer stifle your open mouth. You manage to muster up the willpower to bite through the disgusting garments, and get a quick shout of, "Help!" out before you feel a kick to the back of your knee.

You stumble to the cobble street, the slime of the day's dirt and rain staining the last of your pride. The hands are on you again, searching. They finally reach your coin purse, and stand up to make off with it. You try to grab him, and there's a struggle. It all ends with the sound of cracking, and the thief is on the ground.

You look up from your knees to see Thenardier himself, shaking his fist and swearing under his breath at the pain. He finally remembers what he's there to do, and offers you his hand. You look up into earnest brown eyes-- nothing like the ones he had shown you before while flirting with you. You take his hand, expecting him to lay the charm on thick now. Something for something; everything has got a little price. As you envision all the sticky kisses he would be sucking your knuckles with in a moment, you almost wish he hadn't saved you from being robbed.

Suddenly, your hand is free. Thenardier has turned around, head down. "You're alright then, yeah?" he mutters. You frown. Is he bashful about all this?

"Yes," you whisper.

"Right," he nods, shuffling off back inside.

"Wait!" you run after him, and he tenses when you put a hand on his arm. You slowly realize that him helping you up from your undignified position on the ground was the first time he had touched you. All the times he had acted like a pig, propositioned you, been overtly unfaithful in intentions toward you... what did it mean? He turns back around, a gentle, almost melancholy smile on his lips.

"Sometimes the song and dance is better than the man, yeah?" he mutters, fixing his hat back atop his head. "Everybody loves the landlord."

"And what about the man?" you ask. He straightens his ratty coat out and flashes a sleazy smile.

"The man don't get the bread, love." He pauses. "Wait a tick." He walks over to the unconscious thief's body, and plucks something from his coat. It's your coin purse. He pockets it, and you clear your throat.

"Monsieur?"

"Wha?" he asks, turning on his heel. You open the palm of your hand.

"You're forgetting something. That belongs to me." He gives a dopey smile, apology in his eyes.

"Right, right. Sorry, love. Sorry." He plops it in your hand, and takes your hand between his, shaking the purse. "Sounds to me like you have enough to stay the night with us."

"But you don't have any r--"

He gestures to the man on the ground. "Shush shush. One just opened." A smile grows on your lips, and the so called scum of Paris takes your hand, leading you back inside.