#rip you’re mental health boy

[escapismforthewin]

July August September October November, you are named after those five months in that exact order coz your father and I thought it’d be fucking hilarious to have your initials be J. A. S. O. N. We didn’t even want to give you a last name but the law required it so we changed all our last names to Derulo coz why not lol

[seilon]

god I wish I could rip Instagram apart with my teeth I hate it I hate it I hate it

[spirirsstuff]

MONICA

[toomiieimagiines]

hihihi

uhm so am i allowed to request again (i don’t wanna spam) 😭😭🙏

and if i am can u pls do a rui x hopeless romantic best friend reader (i’m totally normal about best friends to lovers lmfao)

so like the reader is always yapping about hot guys and it’s a little angsty at first because rui is thinking to himself ‘why did i have to fall inlove with someone that won’t ever choose me’ and then one day a hot guy comes up to reader and asks her out, reader is about to say yes but then she realises that she barely knew him and there was someone (rui) who had been by her side since day one and she figures out who she really loves (RUIII) so she rejects him and when rui asks why she just hugs him and says ‘because your the one i really want’ mwah mwah i feel like such a genius (i really hope this made sense lmao be prepared for a million bestie-> lovers and angst-> fluff rui requests 😼)

thank youyoyoyoyoyuuu!!

hi guys! i’m so so incredibly sorry for how inactive i have been! unfortunately, the fanfic writer curse caught up to me, and i’ve had considerably bad things happen to me! ToT

i had developed a really bad addiction after a recent episode - which may be why i’ve loved to write my characters so miserable, but they get a happy ending in the end - and have recently relapsed after a couple months. i’ve also been struggling with a lot of things, like being bullied again, pressure from theater, classes, autism, parental issues, memory of past trauma, having no friends, things like that. i’ve just been having a really hard time, so writing has been super difficult for me. i’m currently having some of the worst mental health in my life, and am un-recovering from other things i’ve had in the past too, after seeing the results of my recovery. sorry if this triggered anybody, i just needed to get this off my chest, and felt also that i should explain where i have been. you all supporting me has kept me going, and i hope you enjoy this one too! LETS END THE PITY PARTY!!!

in other - not so depressing news - here you guys go!! sorry for OOCness, obviously this is a more dramatic approach to a story! happy ending, j tried to write the inner narration differently for how you two were feeling at the time.. and ty once again for such a great idea, mama ^3^

“I don’t think I could stand to be where you don’t see me.”

If he has to sit here and listen to this one more time, he thinks he’ll go insane.

Rui Kamishiro loves you. He truly does. You’re his best friend, his partner in crime, his-

Never mind.

Rui loves you, but he absolutely HATES your taste in guys, and it’s driving him nuts. Nodding and agreeing can only get him so far before he wants to rip his own hair out, and tonight is no exception.

“I give up! All boys are dumb, I don’t need them!” You lament, resting your chin in your hands. It’s the same song and dance over and over. You swear off boys, you get attention, you get sucked in, and he has to pick up the pieces when it inevitably fails. How many times has he thought about how much better he would treat you now? He doesn’t know. He’d be a classical lover, he’d never speak to you the way those stupid unprincipled high school boys do.

Gross. That’s his best friend, why’d he think that? And when did he start being so self confident? He really outta look at himself in the mirror. What an egomaniac he’s turning out to be.

He shakes his head.

“You do know I’m still a boy, right?” He prods, trying to cheer you up. He knows this situation well, and he knows exactly how to make you feel better. Again he’d pull you out of this, and again he’d watch you fall in love.

He wishes you could be happy. He wishes you weren’t in love with being in love. You’re too pure for true love, love is disgusting, depraved, and unkind. You’re not anything like that.

“I know, I know, but you’re the only good one!” You point, words self-assured. “I don’t need a boyfriend, you do everything boyfriendy for me anyway!”

Ouch. Thanks a lot, that’s exactly what he needed to hear right now. He’s not gonna dwell on that last bit for now, he’ll wait until he’s home. Then he can- he doesn’t know. Cry, or something juvenile like that.

“So I’m back-up-boyfriend?” He masks himself in jest, smiling teasingly at you.

“Eh, maybe,�� you snicker, “you’d definitely be cute if you weren’t my friend.”

He turns to his school work sharply, trying to mask his complete and utter despair. Ugh, why does he have to be so dramatic? His own personality makes his skin crawl with disgust and hatred, and that only makes him cringe more. He could think about how obnoxious he is all day. Maybe he should use that go home and cry pass early. He pretends to check the time, as if that isn’t all he’s been doing.

“It’s getting late, after this problem I should get going.” He mutters, scribbling some random numbers into his notebook. You yawn in response, being broken out of absentmindedly scrolling through your phone.

“Ugh, I wish you didn’t have to go!” You drape an arm over his torso, trying to hold him in. He smiles fondly, wrestling to get you off of him.

“I’d have to walk home in the dark then, do you want that?” He knows you’d never let him, and he sees it immediately.

Your face looks knowing, and you let him go right away. It amuses him at first, but quickly fills him with overwhelming pity. You’re so kindhearted it makes him sick. You shouldn’t worry about someone like him, it’s bad for your health.

“Would you like me to walk home with you?!” You shoot up, the idea of him not being safe running through your head. Maybe he should’ve kept his mouth shut. How emasculating! He’s not a helpless young girl! He’s just as manly as those boys who you long for, he’s not a puppy to be walked!

God, is jealously turning him into a bigot? He shakes his head once again, this time not just to clear his thoughts. He’s absolutely not letting you walk him home, it’d be mortifying. He takes your attention belly up, you should have a break. Maybe some time to yourself for a change? God, Rui, get a grip.

“I’m fine, I don’t want you out late by yourself either,” he assures, looking at you in haste.

“Ah. You have a point.”

“I always do.” He means more to that, and he wishes he could tell you. He wants you to see that even he knows what he’s talking about. He needs you to see him, just for once. Not as a best friend, or backup boyfriend, just as a regular one. As a lover who dances in the rain, or ties your shoes

He needs to stop. He shouldn’t think about you like that. It’s lecherous.

You two exchange goodbyes, giving him a long hug (much to his horror). He hates how feverish it is it hold you like this, it makes him feel guilty. His body gets hot, his cheeks flare up, his throat feels tight- it makes him feel like a pervert, even if his thoughts are the farthest thing from lewd.

He feels that everything he thinks about you is repulsive, though.

“Be safe”’s and “See you later”’s are passed between you two, and he walks down your front steps, now completely alone. His eyes scan the damp pavement, seeing the golden hues from the sky light the boring rock. That’s how he feels about you, he decides. You’re the sun, and he’s the pavement. He humors himself by thinking that your suitors are the clouds, stopping you from shining your light for him so he can grow weeds in the cracks of his soul. That’s what these feelings are. Weeds.

He wants to live life beautifully with you, he decides. He wants to tie your shoes, he wants to twirl you as you dance.

He wishes he could be the moon. Something of consequence- of importance, but he’s just the pavement. Not the earth, not the stars, not the clouds, or rain, he’s just a man made monster who destroys nature - you - and is walked over by people who do matter.

He should quit being this way, he grumbles, it doesn’t do anybody any good to be so flowery. He’s too girly- too weak. Maybe that’s why you don’t like him. If you’re willing to date anything that moves other than him, that must mean he’s on a completely new level, huh?

That’s what dreaming gets you, Rui. Crushed dreams and embarrassment.

He lets out a pitiful sigh, kicking a pebble with his shoe. He sees a worm in a lawn which reminds him of himself, he sees a couple shopping for a new game which reminds him of you, he sees a convenience store which reminds him that he’s hungry-

His life can be so mundane sometimes, what a drag.

He’s about to reach his front door, when he steps into a puddle. It feels like an appropriate representation of his life right now. A sense of disgraceful hilarity washes over him, and he begins to laugh. He laughs a while, he laughs as he takes his shoes off, he laughs as he peels his button up down, and he laughs as he lays in his bed. How dramatic he could be some times!

He falls asleep quickly. He has a dream about being on stage and forgetting his lines.

He wakes up with a thud, he fell out of bed. How embarrassing. He decides to check his phone.

Weirdo: RUII

Weirdo: wanna hang w me 2day?? u don’t have dance time right??

Weirdo: gonna kill you. WAKE UP

Me: I’m awake, sorry!

Weirdo: finally sleeping beauty

Weirdo: wanna get a snack? i’m simply starved…

Me: When?

Weirdo: an hr maybe…

Me: Okay :) I’ll tell you when I leave.

Weirdo: kay!!

He really doesn’t feel like being social today, but he’d never pass up an opportunity to see you. He’s an obscene degenerate when it comes to you, pouncing on your attention like a sick dog. It’s mortifyingly pathetic.

He gets dressed, throwing on a boring striped sweater. It’s getting colder outside recently, and he’s always ran cold anyway. His hands are shaky and nervous as he brushes his teeth, the anxiousness to see you making his body jittery. He considers breakfast, but quickly shuts the idea down. He doesn’t want to be stressed out - at least more than he already is - when he sees you. Twitchy hands lock his door, and he gets a few feet away before he double checks that he did, in fact, lock it. Pull yourself together, Rui! He screams at himself.

The walk is just as unexciting as he expected, albeit a bit chilly. He’s feeling thankful for the sweater. The breeze runs its hands through his hair, and he’s reminded that winter is coming. He always liked Autumn flowers the best, hibiscus flowers are pretty too, he supposes. It’s nice to have the warmth of the sun soothing his cold hands during summer, for sure.

He trips over a rock on the way, and his pants get wet on the knees. Khaki blends into an ugly brown, and he sighs. How unlucky, would anything go right for him today?

Turns out it will, you look really good today.

You great him at the door, practically buzzing with eagerness. It makes him smile, knowing that you do, in fact, want to see him. Or at least are acting like it. You’re a good friend to him, he’s lucky to have you.

“Rui!” You hug him as a greeting, wrapping your arms tightly around his waist. His heart soothes, eyes closing in relaxation. Problems feel obscure and distant when you two are like this, despite his reluctance last night. He can forget about corrupt feelings - or misguided love- and he can just be your best friend. Despite his apprehension to be cared for, he is flattered that you, at least, seem to like him.

“Hey.” He breaths you in, his voice soft. He hopes you don’t notice, it’s embarrassing.

“Hey!” You reply, pulling away. “Big things planned, Rui!”

“What big things?” He asks, amused. “Big things” for you were junk food and shopping.

“Big things! It’s a surprise!” You put your shoes on, and he can’t help but feel jealous as he watches your hands tie them dutifully. He sighs, stretching. He decides to make it a challenge to act normal the whole day. No weird thoughts are going to beguile his mind, he promises himself.

You lock your front door, twisting the knob to make sure that it did, in fact, lock. This fills him with a child-like sense of delight, maybe you two really were similar.

Nah, not possible. You’re too pure - too perfect. Ugh, Rui, no more stupid thoughts.

He watches you check the time, make a face at a nearby bird, and cover your cheeks with your hands. You suddenly perk up, wrapping your arms around him.

“Warm me up, will ya?” You scowl at the cool air, grip tightening. He gulps. It’s weird he reacts like this, considering you two have done things like this all the time. It’s normal, so why does he have to be such a creep? His arms wrap around yours, running his hands up and down to create heat.

“Should’ve worn a jacket,” he chides, “wouldn’t be cold, y’know?” His voice is so casual, like everything is totally fine. It is fine. Fine, fine, fine.

“Gotta look good. I’m on the hunt, obviously,” you joke. It isn’t funny to him, but he lets out a laugh.

“You’re hopeless.”

You two stop at a convenience store first, and you all but sprint to the drinks. He had this ritual down to a science. You grab two different color slushies, and he grabs whatever odd snack catches your collective stomachs eye today. Today the two of you decide to split a cookie, and walk to the counter. The cashier gives you a smirk, and he averts his eyes.

“This it?” The boy cocks his head, and you get the memo. You immediately jump on the opportunity.

“Mhm!” You wink, resting your chin in your hands while leaning against the counter. In all honestly, he wasn’t even that cute. At least, that’s what Rui kept telling himself.

“Don’t worry about it, than. I got you guys,” he waves you off. Score! You think, but he adds. “If I can get your number.” Rui feels like falling into the floor, how awkward! You just scribble it onto a stray receipt, winking.

“Thank you! You’re the sweetest!!” You singsong, skipping along with Rui following suite. You immediately burst into laughter, throwing a fake punch at Rui. “What a weirdo! Like I’d call him over what, 1000 yen?! I don’t even know him, yuck!”

So you did have some sense, he feels like letting out a sigh of relief. You hold your hands out.

“Which one do you want? I got your favorite!!” You look so proud, and he wants to laugh. His “favorite” isn’t actually his favorite, but he’d never tell you that.

The lie started one day in middle school, when the two of you suddenly had a weird craving for slushies. When you picked them out, you had gotten a red one and a blue one, and asked him what he wanted. While he really didn’t like red, he knew you liked blue, so he said red. Now for the past four years, you’ve always ended up getting him a red one, thinking it was his favorite. He’ll deal with it for you. Seeing your blue tongue stick out with brain freeze is better than any sugary drink anyway.

“Red, duh.” He scoffs playfully, taking a sip of it. The taste doesn’t really bother him all that much anymore. It reminds him of you.

You always let him divide the snacks, thinking he gives himself the bigger half. He never does, but he eats slower so you think he did. You skip along, enjoying it.

“Y’know, this isn’t bad. Wish they had the brownie, though. That never does us wrong.” God, don’t make him think of the ‘crack brownies’ - as you two call them. Those are great, and he likes them, so you never miss an opportunity to shove them down his throat.

“Don’t complain. Remember the egg roll incident?” He points, laughing at the memory. You two steer clear of that section now, having gotten sick.

“Ugh, I haven’t thought about that in a while! I’m never eating an egg roll again after that day! Ugh,” you gag.

Moments of silly memories like this make him feel like he’s known you forever. He can’t even remember a moment where he hasn’t loved you.

“Where’re we going now, commander?” He salutes, following the trail of sunshine you left behind.

“Where ever the wind blows us, kind sir!” You salute back, pushing him along. Your constant checks of your phone don’t go unnoticed by him, and he fights the urge to roll his eyes.

“Who’re you texting? Don’t tell me it’s that guy.” He tries to sound casual, knocking his shoulder against yours playfully.

“‘M not a total idiot, I’ll have you know!” You huff, holding your phone to your chest. “It’s just somebody we went to school with a while back, ‘m seeing if I can pull the moves.”

“Do I know him?”

“Dunno, never saw you two talking, so maybe not. He was in my english class, remember, the only class we didn’t have together?”

“Ah.”

You two walk in silence, except for when he yanks you back from the collar so you don’t walk into oncoming traffic, which amuses you greatly. You two soon arrive at the small mall, and he tails you as you run with excitement. You two browse everything, constantly pointing out cute plushies, or interesting keychains.

“Rui, look! Look!” You shake him, pointing to the back of somebody’s head inconspicuously. “Wait don’t yet- Okay, now! He’s turning around! That’s the guy! What a coincidence we see him here, right? Do you recognize him?”

Ha. Yeah, he knows this guy. He definitely knows him. He’s the one who would trip him during passing periods, he’s the one who left flowers on his desk. They make eye contact, and it’s like all of his growth left his body. He’s just the same freak from middle school, he’s still thirteen.

He shudders at the guys smirk, sensing that he definitely knows that Rui knows him. He jogs over to the two of you, and Rui already knows what’s about to happen, due to the lopsided smile on your face.

Damnit, this is the first time he doesn’t think he can act like it’s okay.

“Oh wow, what a coincidence! Must be fate we run into each other like this, ehe…” You giggle awkwardly, a dumb expression gracing your face. It’s painful seeing you that way for anybody other than him, and he looks away awkwardly.

“Must be.” He answers, swaggering closer towards you. Rui thanks whatever God above because - despite his current situation - at least this asshole didn’t go to highschool with you guys.

He looks down at his shoes, and tries to shuffle away, knowing this jackass is about to say something. He’s quickly stopped.

“Who’s this, huh? Feel like a recognize him from somewhere…” He trails off, smirking through his nose as he turns his attention to him. “Have we met before?”

“This is Kamishiro Rui, he’s my friend! He went to middle school with us, remember?” You happily answer for him.

Ha, friend? What happened to back-up boyfriend? He’s a little hurt, to be honest.

He feels bitter, it’s unbecoming- God, he doesn’t care. He should feel bad for getting so angry over it, it’s not like you belong to him. He’s such a freak, getting attached to you like this.

He starts to pick at his fingers, then he plays with a loose string on his sweater. You two continue to chat like nothings wrong, and he keeps thinking. It’s something he’s gotten good at recently.

He stops feeling bad about himself for a second- a split second where he resents you, and wishes his pain upon you. Wants you to know what it’s like to be so disgustingly, guiltily, revoltingly obsessed with someone. In this split second, he can’t even find it in himself to feel guilty about it, which is unlike him. He wishes you felt love like this, that you were as psychotic about it.

But this doesn’t last long, because he remembers that he loves you more than anything. He’s lucky to be your friend. You’re a great friend, you’re an amazing person, you’re the sun, the sun, the sun.

He’s the pavement, he has to remember.

“I’m- I’ll leave you to it, y’know? Fabric store.” He stutters, choking on his voice. You don’t even notice, waving him off.

You do, however, remember to press his shoulder, uttering an absentminded “Okay, Rui, bye,” and he remembers again how perfect you are for doing it subconsciously. He lets himself feel the touch, long after he’s walked away. He deserves it after the trouble he’s reliving.

When he makes it to the fabric store - which he really didn’t need anything from, Nene had gotten some the other day - he can’t help himself from wishing he could just go home. Malls were always overwhelming already, and now his saving grace has the attention of another man. He walks through aisles, but realizes that he now has to buy something.

‘Least he knows that social cue, he laughs bitterly, running his hands across his face in frustration. He’s so ridiculous.

Meanwhile, you were chatting up a storm. It was your first time talking in person since middle school, after all! You feel giddy for a while, but it cuts abruptly. You feel a strange sense of urgency, something’s missing.

Oh, your best friend.

But where had he gone? You’re sure he was just here. You smile apologetically at the cute boy, putting on your best performance.

“Oh, I better go get my friend now. I don’t like walking home when it’s late. Was nice seein’ you, let’s hang out soon, ‘kay?” You singsong, stepping closer. You want to give yourself a pat on the back, you’re so cute.

He rolls his eyes, and you’re hit with a wave of uneasiness. That noise he made sounds strangely dismissive, he’s not the kind of guy to be a jerk though, you must be hearing things-

“Leave ‘im. Between you and me, he was a total freak in middle school. Probably is now, too. Probably likes you or somethin’, total nutcase.” His voice sounds so casual, like it’s not the douchiest thing you’ve heard all day.

You let other men walk all over you, sure. You let them cheat on you, lie, whatever. But you’re not about to stand here and insult Rui. He’s the only untouched thing in your life - the only person who isn’t cruel. He’s so gangly and awkward, but in the best way. You could live a million times and not be able to deserve him, at least you think so. He’s so unusual, and that’s what you love most about him. Little things like not liking loud lights, or liking the red slushies the best, make your heart buzzy with familiarity. He’s the one constant in your life.

You’ve been awfully worried about him recently, though. His particularly (as you like to call it) has gone to the an extreme, and it’s been a battle getting him to eat real food. You’re not blind, you see the way he’s been spacing out, or tapping a little too much. You just thought he’d been overwhelmed. He worries you to death sometimes, but despite all of his own struggles, he always seems to not care about it, deciding to always be there for you instead. Ah, he’s just such an amazing guy - no, not guy, he’s not anything like those other boys you talk to. He’d never insult someone like that. He’s not just a guy, he’s like your person.

Yeah, he’s definitely your person.

Your heart sputters at the thought, and you feel something you’ve never really felt before - save for hugs between the two of you that lasted just a second too long, or words a little too romantic. The feeling makes your mind fuzzy, and your heart hurt terribly with something you could only place as homesickness.

Oh.

“I,” you begin, backing away. “Yeah, I’m sorry but I’ll really be going now-“

“What? C’mon I was just messing with you, even though having guy friend’s kinda weird.” He rolls his eyes.

“Yeah whatever, I’ll call you back,” you say dismissively.

You’re totally lying, you laugh, you’re not calling him back.

He didn’t seem to like that.

“Damn, can’t even joke around with you people. Whatever, weirdo, sorry I insulted your little boyfriend.” The change in tone amuses you.

Yeah, good riddance, pal.

You turn away, walking through the mall with pace. It takes a while, but you spot him watching a pet stores aquarium.

He’s a funny one.

You wave your hands, trying to get his attention. He swallows, knowing that it’s probably to ask him if it’s cool to walk home by himself. Emotions are stupid, and ironically, you both think that at the same time.

“Rui! Rui! Hey c’mon, let’s go home, yeah?” You smile, face feeling warm. It’s a different feeling from when you usually talk to him. He looks at you, a little shocked. He had assumed you were smiling wide because you set up a date, so he turns his head.

“Where is he, huh?” He looks away, back to the fish tank. You shift in place, was he mad at you? You’re a little irritated at the mention of the guy, though, and huff.

“Don’t worry about that. Seems like I only attract douchebags, so I decided to go.” You explain, poking his shoulder. “Hey,” you start, “let’s just walk home, I wanna talk to you about something.” The idea makes you feel dizzy, but you’ll have to illustrate your feelings one day.

You can leave out the “I think I’m in love with you” part, you think.

The two of you walk in an excruciating silence, staring down at the reflection of the setting sun in the puddles. His heart tightens, remembering his earlier comparison. Even now, you’re so perfect. Even if he’s frustrated with you - despite you turning down the guy in the end (he doesn’t know why, he wanted to ask) - even if he’s ready to scream, and cry, and ask you what it is he did for you to be so turned off by him, he still thinks you’re the most heavenly, divine person to ever grace his view. He wants to be where you see him, he wants to be in your orbit.

“You’re like the sun-“ He blurts out, immediately regretting it. He didn’t mean to say that, God, he’s so fucking stupid. He sees you stop walking, smiling that same stupid, dopey, lopsided smile that he’s always so jealous of-

Oh. It’s for him.

He chokes, stopping to meet you eye-to-eye. You look up at him too, laughing giddily.

“What does that mean?”

He sputters, stepping away. “N-no it’s nothing- It was stupid anyway so-“

“No, tell me!” You urge, laughing a little harder. “What if it was something bad, ‘nd you were making fun of me? That’s not nice, Rui!”

“I- Hey-“ His voice goes a touch higher, a defensive tone rising. “That’s not-“

“Then tell me.”

“It’s just,” he breaths, trying to word it in the least creepy way possible. How does convey the fact that he sees you as a divine presence, that he sees himself as a worthless creature compared to you, without sounding like he’s hopelessly possessed by love for you? “I just- you’re so amazing,” he starts, “I thought of this stupid thing the other day when I was walking home - you know how I am - and well, I just thought of you when the sun reflected off the pavement - since it rained, y’know? - and well, it just- Sorry, it was dumb-“ He rambles, covering his face in anguish.

Nobody’s ever put that much thought into you. Sure, you’ve received a few ‘You’re so gorgeous’’s, where you’ve had to wonder where they learnt such a “big word”, but never something as poetic as that. The usual Rui-ratic explanation endeared you to him even more. You look at him, the smile never leaving. He’s just… so Rui. His stupid striped sweater, his half up hair - that you’d begged him to grow out - his eyes, whatever. Everything about him you treasure, and little do you know he cherished you even that more intensely.

“I think you’re the moon, Rui. Or maybe the earth, since I take care of you, hah!” You snicker, stepping closer to him. He takes a step back in return, and you grab his hands to make him stay put. His heart throbs, and he almost goes crashing down.

“I.. I don’t-“

You yank his hands, making him look back up at you. “Hey, Rui, I,” you look at him assuringly, “I wanna say something, and you can’t laugh okay?”

He holds his breath, so do you.

Fuck it, just tell him.

“I think I’m in love with you, Rui.” You gaze at him, the words shooting out faster than you can second guess them.

“I don’t-“ He breaks away, his fists balling up. You messed up, you think, you really, really messed up. “I’m not- I’m not going to- You can’t just say that because you got rejected. I- It wouldn’t be nice to- You don’t love me-“

“Rui,” you beg, grabbing his arm again, “holding hands on the way to school, cuddling while doing homework, knowing everything about eachother, these aren’t-“ You breath, “I’ve wanted somebody to love me for so long, Rui, and I was so blind to the fact that I was loved. But the love that I felt for you, - that I feel for you - Rui, isn’t the kind where I can be- where I can just be so- so normal about those things!” You monologue, saying whatever’s on your mind. You’re the rambling one now.

“I found myself comparing you to these piece-of-garbage dude’s I’m always with, wishing I could just date somebody like you instead! But now I realize that it is you-“

His heart falls into his gut, and he breaks free from you again. His hands move to his face, covering his eyes. His voice is broken and cracky as he begins to cry. “That was- you-“ He pulls you into a desperate embrace, arms holding you like you’ll disappear. “You shouldn’t, you’re wrong.” He sobs, “I’m- the way I love you is- You don’t understand, the way I feel isn’t normal I- My love is disgusting, and horrible, and depraved-“ He shakes, you rub his back. “You are so perfect compared to me, I’d never be able to- I love you so much, more than friends are supposed to, more than anyone’s supposed to at our age-“

“Rui, hey Rui please don’t cry.” You beg, smoothing out the ridges in his sweater. “I don’t- I don’t agree with that, and I can scream that at you, but I’m sure you won’t believe me. You’re not disgusting for feeling emotions different, Rui that’s what I love about you.”

“Stop- stop saying my name like that. It’s too hard to-“

“Rui, I love you. You don’t need to accept it, but I love you. More than being in love, more than being loved-“

“I love you, too,” his voice cracks, “that’s why I’m so scared. I don’t want to ruin a friendship that’s all I have, if this is just- I’m scared I’d lose you in any way, and I can’t live in a world where you don’t see me. I won’t. It’s sounds horrible but-“ He stops as you pull away from the hug, and wipes his face hastily. You put your pinky out, and his stomach drops again.

“C’mon, just like when we were kids. Pinky promise that no matter what, we’ll always see each other. That way you don’t need to worry anymore, y’know? I never break my kissy pinky promises, ever.”

Just like when you two were little.

He locks his with yours, just like you taught him all those years ago. He remembers your shared handshake for theater, he remembers your shared handshake for testing, and he remembers the song you two had to duet for choir - when you have forced him into it for a year. He holds everything of you so dear to his heart, you endear everything about him to you as well.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“I see you.”

“I see you, too.”

You two kiss your hands, then bring them down, still interlinked. You stare at him, and he stares back at you. In a moment of profound sincerity, you lean forward, and kiss him. It’s slow and gentle, and you unlock your hands half way through to hold his face, which he mirrors. His heart settles for the first time. You see him. He’s your moon, your earth, you’re his sun, his stars.

He’s suddenly alarmed by a quick pushing off of him, gasping out a “Rui!”

“I-“ he pants, wiping his mouth. “Hm?”

“we’re in the middle of a park!”

[imaginesmai]

Right around the corner (4) - Azriel

I didn't mean to make it this long, but I hope you liked it! There will be a fifth and final part, I think. You guys wanted to forgive Azriel so I needed to show you what happened. Be careful with the tags!

(1), (2), (3), (4), (5)

Plot: after the damage has been done, Azriel finds his brothers ready to pick up the pieces.

Warnings: prepare a second tissue box. Also, mental health issues - our boy has been through a lot and doesn't talk kindly about himself.

Cassian only remembered a few big arguments between Azriel and him. While Rhysand had headbutted with the general at the beginning, Cassian and Azriel’s relationship had been natural. The first one was loud, abundant and had a deep, burning need of someone understanding his pain. The shadowsinger was the complete opposite, and they had instantly connected.

Their biggest argument so far, that had brought them apart for almost ten years, had been when Rhys disappeared under the mountain. Cassian had gathered an army and was ready to march on Amarantha when Azriel stopped him. At the moment, he had felt betrayed by his brother, frustrated and furious.

But even if it had taken him ten years, they had worked their way around it.

Before Rhysand winnowed them away, Cassian was ready to start the second, biggest argument of their relationship. Even if he tried to hide it, the general still had abandonment and trust issues, and that his brother had hid something so important from him, that hadn’t trusted him with something so precious for an Illyrian male, broke his heart.

He was ready for the argument, but wasn’t ready for Azriel’s cries.

The cabin was filled with shadows, that moved frantically around. The shadowsinger had lost control of his powers a very, very few occasions, never relying on his emotions. But when Rhysand and Cassian appeared in the cabin, the high lord had to create a barrier between them and the shadows to protect themselves.

“Brother” Cassian whispered when the shadows started to let go, enough to see Azriel curled in the couch.

“Azriel, what’s wrong?” Rhysand was by his side the second he was let through, a hand on his shoulder. The shadowsinger barely acknowledge them. “Damn it. You’re freezing”

“I’ll turn on the fire”

“And bring a blanket” Rhysand called out as Cassian started moving.

It was muscle memory, after so long. After so many nights where either of them came battered to the cabin and Rhysand’s mother would take care of them. In silence, Cassian moved around the familiar space, turning on candles and searching for clothes.

Meanwhile, Rhysand used his powers to get into Azriel’s mind. Instead of prying into his memories, to rip away whatever was causing him pain, his friend helped him to rebuild his mental wards.

The high lord managed to make him sit up, enough so he could fall back against Rhysand’s shoulder and the male could hug his friend. The sobs quieted down and the shadows disappeared, apparently happy someone was taking care of their master for now.

Cassian stared at them for a moment, torn between the need to comfort and to hurt. To comfort Azriel as he had comforted him so many times in the past, to be there for him and apologize to any feelings he had felt during the last hours. But also, to search for the source of that pain and tear it down to pieces.

Years of living with him had taught him to be patient, so he ended up sitting on the other side of Azriel, tossing a pair of trousers and a sweater on his lap.

“Come on, try to stand up”

In silence, between Cassian and Rhysand, they managed to put some clothes on the shadowsinger. Azriel was quiet all the time, with his gaze lost in the fire. Every now and then, his knees would buck down and he would hitch a sob. But each time, there were his two friends, ready to catch him and steady him.

It felt as if nothing had changed for a moment, as if it was Cassian beaten to a pulp after a bad fight or Azriel having panic attacks when the lights came off. So many times in the past had they been in that situation.

When they finished, they ended up sitting in the couch. Now, they were bigger, wider, and nothing similar to the scrawny boys that huddled together when no one else wanted them. The couch felt ridiculously small, yet they managed to fit just fine.

It took Azriel a while to talk, and they didn’t pressure him.

“I have a mate” he admitted.

Through the haze of sorrow and sadness, of not knowing if the bond would hold on for much longer now that you had realized what had been going on, Azriel didn’t feel any different. He had imagined himself saying it a lot of times, presenting you to his family – with good and bad outcomes. And it had made him nervous, wary, enough that he had decided against it.

As he confessed it to his brothers, his family, he felt no different.

And hated himself just a little bit more.

“Did they… do this?” Cassian asked carefully, feeling how Azriel’s body tensed under his arm. “They hurt you?”

“No”

Rhysand willed himself to stay calm and respect his privacy, but he wanted nothing more than to answer Cassian’s silent call to barge in his mind and solve whatever was happening.

“Her name is Y/N” he added, his eyes filling with tears once more. “She… The bond snapped six years ago. I’ve fucked up. I’ve fucked up so bad”

“Y/N” Rhysand repeated, trying to remember if he had heard your name before.

“Six years?” Cassian looked between Rhysand and Azriel. “That… can’t be. Six years?”

“I fucked up”

Azriel’s voice broke once more, and between sobs and hitched breaths, he managed to explain what had happened. He let it free from his chest, hoping it would make him feel better, but it didn’t. It only made him realize, once more, how fucked up he was.

Without interrupting, Cassian and Rhysand listened to the story of that pointless mission that took him right to your door, where he was supposed to ask you about a male’s disappearance. About the moment he felt the bond in chest, in his soul, and how he had run away and avoided you.

They listened as he broke when he talked about that day you had invited him over, ready to accept the bond, and how he had faked to be confident. He didn’t mean to disappoint you, so when you had asked with so much hope if that was what he wanted, he had said yes, even if part of him knew he wasn’t ready.

Azriel described how, during the following weeks, he had confused the happiness from finally being together, with no interruptions, with the usual high of mates accepting the bond. How he had realized later that it wasn’t normal the fear and anguish he felt after he left your apartment, and how without meaning to or knowing how, he hadn’t accepted your imprint on him.

“That’s why we haven’t noticed” the high lord said, taking it all in. His brother’s story, his hurt and pain.

“What were you afraid of?” Cassian almost cut him off, bursting out the question both of them wondered about. “We are your family, Az. You should know we will accept you no matter what. And a mate… that’s something wonderful”

“Because I don’t deserve her” Azriel finally looked up to Cassian, and his friend was taken aback at the emotions in his eyes. “She’s soft, and beautiful, and the worst thing she can do is squish a spider without wanting to”

“Azriel, that’s not – “

“It is. You should see her, Rhys” he cut him off, turning to look at him. “Y/N is… different. The Cauldron must have made a mistake, because she’s everything I’m not. And I don’t deserve her”

Azriel tried to let Rhysand know why he didn’t deserve you. Why, every time he thought about bringing you into his life and letting you know the spy master, it broke his heart a little. He wanted to keep you safe, away from anything that could stain you the way he was stained. And he had thought, apparently, that he could get away with it.

Feyre poked at his mental barriers softly, wondering what was happening. After sending a comforting message through the bond, Rhysand returned Azriel’s look with a different type of conviction.

“I don’t know her, and I would love to” Rhysand told him, giving him a soft smile. “But brother, I know that whoever gets to be your mate, to share their life with you, has been blessed by the Cauldron. Your family didn’t see you the way we do, the way she does. And what they did – that isn’t what you have to expect any time someone gets close to you”

“My family isn’t the problem here” he tried to excuse himself, but the high lord could see the truth in his eyes.

“It is. You’re afraid to committing yourself to the bond because you fear she will break it. Because your family broke your trust. And then you thought you had that with Mor, and – “

“Don’t go there” Azriel warned him. “Don’t read me”

“I don’t have to read you. I know you”

“Az, you… deserve a mating bond” Cassian spoke finally. “Everything you have been through isn’t your excuse to reject it, it’s the reason you finally have something good”

Azriel wasn’t ready to talk about it. He had never been ready to talk about how he had felt when his brothers, the people he looked up to, tortured him as a game. He hadn’t shared with them yet how hard had it been to know he was a mere observer of his family life, locked away in a dungeon and treated like a dog.

And the feeling of not belonging, of having a safe place sabotaged, had only grown each time he watched Mor from the distance with someone else.

He wasn’t ready to talk about it, but he understood, that he had to.

“I feel like it’s all a dream. As if I’m watching my own life unfold from the distance, like a good movie. Whenever I’m not with her, I have this… thing” he explained, opening his broken heart to his brothers. “Like I’m a fraud”

“You’re not a fraud” Cassian corrected him quickly, barely standing his brother’s self-depreciating speech.

“I am. I pretend I have it all together but I’m so afraid” he swallowed hard at the end, skipping a breath. Azriel ran a shaky hand through his hair, and his brothers only held him stronger. “Sometimes I think about… our future, about her with me, and I feel like drowning because what if she – what if she stops loving me? I can’t handle – She’s all I have, all I want. I love her so, so much. I can’t – “

That time, both males were ready when Azriel tried to fold into himself again, shadows shifting anxiously and turning off a few candles. They were ready to keep him up straight and, somehow, holding him together as he broke apart once more.

Azriel needed help, and his family was more than ready to finally walk him through it.

-

You didn’t know what breaking a mating bond meant, or if that was even possible. If the feeling of your chest at any hour was the void of Azriel’s bond or if it was just your imagination. Either way, you had never experienced such a pain.

Barely able to leave the bed, you had been forced to close the bakery. Not permanently, you told yourself, just until you had it all together once more. Even if you didn’t know what that meant.

The day after Azriel left was spent grieving, and thankfully, you had his shadows to help you around. You managed to make it to the bed, to slide the curtains shuts and cry in peace without breaking your back along with your heart.

A day turned into two, then into three. Before you knew it, it had been a week and you weren’t any better.

You had tried to find an explanation, to comfort yourself in the happy memories or forget the past events. But your mind brought you back to the horrible realization that he didn’t want you. That Azriel didn’t love you the way you did.

You were understanding, you had always been. A smile on your face, gentle hands and loving words. That was what you were, a kind soul, your friends told you. Never through a tragedy other than losing your wings, always loved and taken care of.

Azriel had taken it all away in just one night.

The first note came from Feyre, although it wasn’t the last one. Even if you ignored them, you received those same notes that had uncovered the truth during the whole week.

Hello, Y/N. It’s Feyre, do you remember me? I have my art studio in front of your bakery. I’ve noticed that the bakery is closed, some of your usual customers even came to ask me about it. Everything alright?

Hi, Feyre here. Should have told you in the previous note that I’ve heard about you and Azriel from Rhysand. I’m here if you want to talk.

It’s Feyre again. I’ve seen the new sign about you taking a few days off. I hope everything is fine.

I hope it doesn’t bother you, but my friend Mor has been begging me for days to let her write you a message.

Hey, it’s Morrighan. We don’t know each other, but I fixed your necklace once. We heard about your thing with Azriel. Just wanted to say that part of it it’s my fault, that I haven’t treated him right in a long time, and many of his insecurities are because of me. So, I guess I’m partly the one to blame and I’m sorry. And you should know how miserable he is without you.

Y/N. I’m Cassian. Hi. How are you?

Dear Y/N, we were wondering if you would like to join us for dinner on Friday night. Greetings, Rhysand.

You ignored each and every note they sent you, even the ones carefully delivered by Azriel’s shadows. You expected them to leave, and part of you wanted them to do so and forget everything that reminded you of him. But they stayed for the whole week, bringing you food and taking care of your wellbeing. And the other part of you, the irrational one, liked the pain of the familiarity they brough.

They even helped you prepare a bath when you decided to be functional again. On Saturday’s morning, you changed the sheets, prepared the laundry and ventilated the room. You tossed out every dirty tissue and food container you had accumulated as if something had possessed you to do so. Then, you took a bath and cleaned carefully every part of your body.

It reminded you of cleaning Azriel’s wings and hair, of taking baths together, and you ended up crying naked in the bathtub until the water was cold. It took you half of the day to be decent enough to even wonder if you were ready to open the bakery once more.

Not that you were able, because there was a knock on your door and you just knew who was outside.

“It’s Azriel”

His voice was muffled because of the distance, but you heard the roughness. You froze on the kitchen, where you had been having your silent debate, and your heart sped up.

None of the notes were his, not even a casual flick through the bond that kept you communicated through long missions. If it wasn’t for the range of emotions you had felt during the last days, some of them similar to yours but not quite, you would have thought he had disappeared.

But there he was, just behind your door. Some shadows slipped through the bottom, tangling between your legs. The cold feeling was different from the one the usuals left, and you realized they were panicked shadows.

Azriel had mentioned you that his emotions controlled his powers if he wasn’t careful, and that the shadows went and came with them.

The new shadows tried to push you to the door, and like a rag doll, you let them complete the small path. They disappeared once more under the door, only to appear again when you didn’t open it.

“Hi” Azriel croaked out, only the wood in between. “I’m sorry. They appeared a week ago and I can’t control them yet. I’m sorry”

“They’re colder”

Your sore throat matched the tone of his voice. It wasn’t more than a whisper, a useless fact that you knew Azriel already noticed. But still, you felt the need to mention it. There was no anger left, no deception. Just the feeling of the new shadows caressing your skin frantically.

You couldn’t bring yourself to open the door and face him again, because you knew you wouldn’t forgive him. There was a pending talk between the two of you, missing explanations. You wanted to understand what had happened during the last six years, and he deserved to know what he had put you through.

Instead of asking you to open the door, you heard him shift on his feet and flap his wings.

“Yeah. And smaller” he agreed. “Um, I tried to get rid of them. Are they… bothering you?”

Am I bothering you?

“No. Not yet”

No, you aren’t. Not yet.

“Right”

It was almost comical to watch the shadows move around you. You hadn’t noticed the single tear that escaped, but they did – and in a moment you were blinded as they all tried to wipe it out at the same time. They made you take a step backward and almost stumble to the ground.

You had never seen too much of Azriel’s shadows, of his power. Apart from the single ones that danced around you and kept you company, you had never met the real shadowsinger. All the stories around him felt strange, property of someone else rather than your mate.

Azriel must have heard you move, or gasp, or maybe the shadows told him. He placed a hand on the door.

“Are you okay? I should go back. I’m sorry. I can’t make them – “

“They feel different too” you comment, enchanted by the shadows moving in your line of sight.

They were dark, and you shouldn’t have been able to see anything. But in the darkness, you could somehow guess their shapes. Some of them were smaller, bigger, thinner and wider. They weren’t like the formal, perfect ones Azriel usually wielded around you. They felt raw.

It took him a while to answer, and you waited patiently for his answer. You didn’t expect anything from that conversation, weren’t even sure what the conversation was about. Just hearing his voice felt at the same time as a punishment and a reward.

Still, he surprised you.

“Madja says they are the original shadows, the ones that should have been around since the begging” Azriel confessed, his nails scratching the door. “The ones… She says I was so scared of my own power that I locked it in a cage as a child and created just a shadow of the real one. Which I could control and… understand.”

“Madja the healer?” you blinked, still surrounded by his shadows. “Why are you – are you hurt? What happened?”

“No, I’m fine. I mean, unharmed. I’m not hurt” he chuckled humorlessly. “She’s been helping me with other things”

“Like what?”

You didn’t know where it came from, but there was an urgent edge on your voice that kept you alert. You knew Madja, had seen her help Azriel after any nasty mission. He had even told you about getting rid of your scars with her help.

Her name brought the already familiar pain – that you knew about her because she was important for Azriel, but she didn’t know about you because you weren’t that important for him. You waited in silence until he decided to talk again. When he did, you could tell he was close to tears.

“I’m not okay. It has taken me too long to figure it out, and it has costed me what I love the most in the world, but I’m not. I… am afraid, all the time” he started. “I am afraid that you will see my true self, what I am in the dark, and hate me the way I hate it. I’m afraid that you will figure out what made my family despite me, toss me aside, and decide to do the same. Or that you realize that I’m not a good mate, and be too kind to tell me and live trapped in a lie”

Feelings wasn’t something you usually shared with Azriel. You were the sensible one, the emotional mate. Who talked about something that made you happy or sad, that expressed your fears knowing he would be there for you no matter what. But not once in your six years you had heard about his.

Each word dug a hole in your chest, from your own feelings or his. The shadows eased enough to let you take a step forward. As if there was an invisible hand printed out, you put your hand where his was on the other side of the door.

“I am terrified to hurt you without meaning to, or to not be what you need. All the time. I’ve… created a routine, apparently, to give myself a sense of false confidence. To build a reality” Azriel stopped to catch his breath. “You’ve shaken that reality where I just… survived, and I thought I could continue pretending everything was fine. It’s not. It’s all so fucking wrong in my head”

Your own eyes were filled with tears by then, ready to fall on your knees. Because, what were you supposed to do now? You wished you could just forget about the past week, about his words – because you had just accepted that he was okay, had missed any signal that he was struggling.

And that made you feel almost as bad as him not accepting the bond.

“So I’m gonna get right, I’ve been getting help” your mate finished, taking a deep breath. “And then we… I love you, Y/N. I don’t have much to offer, but everything I am and have, is yours. When I’m okay, I promise, I will make things right. I promise”

Before you could answer, his shadows disappeared and Azriel winnowed away.

Want to read more? Check out my side blog @imaginesmaimasterlists, where I keep all the masterlists! Feedback is always appreciated

Right around the corner taglist:

@lesliemurillo @impossibelle @polli05927 @florencemtrash @going-through-shit @minakay @setayeshmohseni @torchbearerkyle @esposadomd @amysangel @kennedy-brooke @originalcrusadetrash @luvmoo @historygeekqueen @marriedtolike18fictionalmen @wallacewillow0773638 @tothestarsandwhateverend @kristalhi @knmendiola @nikt-wazny-y @dream-alittlebiggerdarling @wallacewillow0773638 @clara-geekhime @kalulakunundrum @saltedcoffeescotch @originalcrusadetrash @mel-wcst @ailyr92 @bubybubsters @chickensrock3

[museandwords]

worship in decay ( bucky barnes x reader)

Warnings: female!reader, dubious consent, lots of alcohol consumption, mentions of casual sex, addiction mentions, the avoidance of genuine feelings, foul language, self-destructive behaviors, self-hatred?, self-esteem issues, parent issues, childhood trauma, bucky is no saint, but he tries to be a good boy, mentions of mental health, this will be expanded on per chapter.

Author’s note: this was affectionately nicknamed the hoe fic. i have been working on this for the better part of the past two (three?) months. im still adding, re-writing and editing a lot of the chapters. so far i have 7 chapters planned, though this may change as it's expanding by the second. weekly updates are planned, and to be perfectly honest this is just self-indulged and an ode to the sluts. please validate me, feedback is welcome. also sorry i've been gone for so long (i got married)

MINORS DNI! 18+ ONLY

PROLOGUE 

You don’t know why you do it. 

You suppose you could put the blame on your absent father, or the degradation and restrained hatred your mother held for you. You remember being that small child – begging for their love. 

Now you find it in the hands of strangers. 

Maybe you could blame it on the liquor that burns your throat and melts the ice off your bones and paints the world in some rose-coloured hue.

Or maybe (and this is the part that scares you most) you’re just truly a despicable human being, in which all of the ugly parts of your parents made you whole. 

You try not to think too much about that. So you find comfort in the warmth of bodies, the hunger in kisses, the worship of strange men that bring you closer to God than any religion could. 

At the end of the day; human beings are mammals at their core, it’s a dog eat dog world, and you’re starving.

‿︵‿︵ - - ‿︵‿︵ 

Waking up in the 21st century initially shook Bucky to his core.

American culture had fallen into a frenzy of degeneracy that could’ve made James Buchanan Barnes cry. 

But he wasn’t James Buchanan Barnes anymore, he was something else.

And he was already desensitized to the dread of the world thanks to the recollection of his own mental house of horrors.

He just couldn’t believe there were more people like him.

People who are more desperate, self-serving, and shameless, he notices. He feels right at home with them. 

That debauched urgency to chase a temporary high to replace the self-hatred even just for a little while was something he and these kinds of people shared. Addicts, the depraved, the lost, the broken. 

Let them say Bucky Barnes was their king. 

He's learned quickly that being brainwashed and kept on ice for the past 70 years really took a toll on his libido, go figure. He’s like a damn teenager full of raging hormones wanting to stick his dick in anything that moves. Now all he craves is the warmth of a human, living breathing body beneath him while their essence fills the holes in his soul. 

What surprises him more is that they let him. They let his blood stained hands all over their silken soft skin, they let his rotted essence into their core, infecting them, tainting them, over and over, and they enjoy it.

His teeth graze their neck, and they should be scared that the Winter Solider could rip their throat out in a millisecond.

Instead, they coo and sigh and hold onto him tighter. It's addictive.

He loves them, every single one, for one reason or another. 

This one makes pretty noises in his ear and smells like candy, that one has a beauty mark beneath her left eye and can make him laugh, those other ones look pretty in sundresses and make him breakfast in the morning.  They all give him something, things he never knew he needed. To be adored, taken care of, loved.

[wednesdays-buck]

. . . a 9-1-1 abc fic rec!

🚒❤️🚒❤️🚒

everything (nothing) has changed by bizarrestars

[Explicit]

After Eddie gets shot, Buck confesses his love. From there, things get a little out of hand.

***

Buck breathes for a moment, then sets his shoulders. "Eddie, there's something I have to tell you."

"Do you?" Eddie asks flatly, still alarmed and doing his best to hide it. "I would've never guessed."

Buck swallows. "Eddie, I love you."

"Are you softening the blow, or buttering me up? Because, I've got to tell you, I'm still very worried regardless," Eddie tells him.

"No, you don't understand. I love you. I'm currently in love with you," Buck says as evenly as possible, and even then, his voice wobbles precariously there for a moment. He exhales. "You don't have to worry about it, though, because I've processed it and decided to—to find relief in telling you before moving on and moving forward."

Eddie stares at him. No response at all.

Well, at least he's not freaking out.

what if i can't have us by woodchoc_magnum

[Explicit]

In which Eddie is dating Marisol; Buck's dating Tommy, and Eddie has feelings about that, which he simply does. not. understand.

forget a six pack, i need the whole damn keg by bucksbicycle

As soon as the shop was cleared and they started getting the scene cleaned up, Joe reached out to say hello. His light greeting and catch-up small talk is then followed by a “Damn, Buck, I know it’s been a while, but what are you doing? You’re looking big, man.”

With that, Eddie walked away and tried to shut it out.

“You’re looking big, man.”

Why don’t you shut up, man? Why don’t you think about Eddie’s mental health, man? Can’t you see that Eddie is trying not to notice how big Buck is, MAN?

-

5 times Eddie admires Bulking Season Evan Buckley in the gym + 1 time the attention is reciprocated

-

title from Big Boy by SZA

c'mon baby, rip it by drh0rrible

(Part 2 of THIS SERIES)

It was only a matter of time before one of Buck's sleeves ripped. Buck knew it, everybody at the 118 knew it. Bystanders on the streets of LA knew it.

But when it actually happens, Buck just wants to know why Eddie is so upset.

A Perfectly Normal Reaction by Ailelie

Eddie knows his reactions to each milestone in his or Buck's relationships are not normal, but he can't stop. He needs some way to make the connection he feels with Buck real and untouchable by anyone else.

Basically, Eddie has a lot feelings he doesn't understand. So, instead of thinking about them, he keeps doing more and more to cement Buck's place in his life.

deep inside a gold mine by marviless

Eddie is all fucking over him. He falls asleep with his body sprawled over the broad expanse of Buck’s chest and wakes up with his face buried into the skin of his neck. They watch a movie together on Eddie’s couch and Eddie practically sits in his lap, head tucked under Buck’s chin as he blinks at the screen. When they’re alone, Eddie can’t stop himself from peppering kisses to Buck’s lips and his cheeks and his forehead as Buck giggles and pretends to try and duck. Under the dinner table every night, Eddie will hook his foot around Buck’s ankle and make Buck duck his head into a flushed smile. And Eddie is always, always holding Buck’s hand—running errands and in their own bed and at the grocery store and across the console while Buck’s driving them to work. Maybe he’s just in the honeymoon stage. Or maybe this is how he’ll always feel—like every second he’s not touching Buck is a second wasted.

in which eddie is in love and a bit clingy about it.

squeeze the day by fallingthorns

“You all are delusional,” Buck squawks. Eddie lets out a low giggle and Buck turns to glare at him. “Oh, so now you have something to say?” He directs it at Eddie, and Eddie laughs again.

“I don’t know, Buck,” he teases, gesturing at the orange. “You have been slacking on the bicep curls lately.” He pokes Buck’s bicep and Buck lets out a yelp. “Hm. Soft.”

It is decidedly not soft. Eddie will probably be thinking about that for the next two business days, but that’s between Eddie and Eddie’s thoughts alone. -- Or, the one where Buck squeezes an orange with his bicep and Eddie has some thoughts about it.

up against the wall by orphan_account

[Explicit]

In the months that passed, Eddie has been able to carefully work through his trauma from the shooting, with a therapist that he finally clicked with, and slowly but surely, the events of that day become a thing of the past.

Well, almost, because even when he was in excruciating amounts of pain and in and out of consciousness, he was able to register the fact that Buck had lifted him up and shoved him into the truck like a rag doll.

And yeah, maybe it was the adrenaline that gave Buck the strength, but the thought of Buck being able to lift him so easily has firmly planted roots in his mind and refused to let him go.

Or: That gratuitous wall-sex fic.

the soft animal of your body by heygirltimeformorning

[Explicit]

It hits him like a bullet, like a tsunami, like lightning: he is in love with Evan Buckley.

Alternatively: The accidental edging of Evan “Buck” Buckley.

Your Touch; Brands and Burns, Heals and Holds by marry_writes

Buck's eyes widen as he realises he’s about to get backhanded. His eyes fall shut involuntarily but the hurt never lands.

He slowly blinks open his eyes to two pairs of wide eyes. The girl’s are mixed with guilt but it’s Eddie’s eyes that have him flinching slightly. He catches the slightly murderous intent that is slowly fading away giving way to pure concern. Buck looks down to where Eddie’s hand is holding onto the girl’s wrist. Oh

“Watch it.”

He’s never heard Eddie use that tone on a patient before.

OR 4 times Buck doesn't question Eddie and the one time he does.

Whumptober - Touch

[thesupreme316]

i’m back! how would aew boys react to reader having a bianca moment she has a mystery opponent they come out and beat her in a couple seconds https://youtu.be/XvblHAfgCwo

i’m bad at explaining if you can can you add Kenny Omega

AEW Stars React: You Losing Your Championship Within a Minute

Pairings: MJF x Fem!Reader, Kenny Omega x Fem!Reader, Ricky Starks x Fem!Reader, Darius Martin x Fem!Reader, Hook x Fem!Reader, Eddie Kingston x Fem!Reader, Christian Cage x Fem!Reader, Daniel Garcia x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 1K

Supreme Speaks: thanks to @cassie0sstuff for requesting this (i always love your requests). I still have a lot of requests so Imma try my best to release 2 or 3 things tomorrow. umm thanks for supporting me and reading my crazy thoughs. please remember that you are loved and appreciated.

Warnings: "mature language", mentions of bribery and my sugar daddy Christian Cage

Taglist (if yall wanna join, lemme know): @hooks-martin @wwenhlimagines @cassie0sstuff @hookerforhook @eddie-kingstons-wifey @triscillal @sheinthatfandom

Even though you can click on this link, imma elaborate:

After what happened, you sat up in the ring in disbelief

You were mad at the lack of communication, mad at the unwanted surprise

But you were mainly mad at yourself for not seeing this earlier

You were just overall really upset at the entire situation

But if you were feeling this way, imagine how your significant other/best friend felt…

Kenny Omega

THIS MAN WOULD FEEL SOME TYPE OF WAY

Immediately asks who signed off on this and who didn’t tell you

“I swear to god that I didn’t know. But whoever did, better pray that I don’t kick their ass.”

Is upset that this decision was made without his input

Would def be heartbroken after seeing your pouting face

Immediately hugs you telling you that he’s sorry and that you’ll get your rematch soon

After comforting you, he goes into executive producer mode and tries to figure out how to give you a decent rematch where everything makes sense and has meaning

Promises you that you’ll get the match that you deserve (might fight Tony tbh…me too, I wanna fight Tony)

Eddie Kingston

It took everything in him not to run out to the ring and kick your opponent’s ass

But he didn’t…instead he linked everything back to his enemies

I think he would see this situation as people trying to hurt him through you (or you paying for his words/actions)

“Doll, I’m sorry that some people are literally out to get you for stupid shit. But I promise that I will help you get your championship back.”

Immediately hugs you while you try to calm down

Just like any situation where you are in danger/or upset, he’ll take this very personally

Will help you in your rematch by any means

Shit..because Eddie is a ride or die, he might put his title on the line for yours

Darius Martin

BABY BOY IS DISTRAUGHT FOR YOU

Runs down to the ring and comforts you while you look on in disbelief

He hugs you, whispers sweet comforting words to you

Promises that you will become champion again

“Listen, they don’t deserve it. But you do and because of that, you will become champion again.”

Hypes you up and is glad to be a part of your revenge plan

Does anything you ask, as long as he’s helping

Is ringside for your rematch and stops other people from interfering with your match

Daniel Garcia

So….SINCE THIS MAN IS FREE FROM THE SHACKLES AND CHAINS OF THE JAS

He has found his humility

After making sure you’re okay, he tries to go after them; but you stop him out of exhaustion

Now, he’s concerned about making sure your mental health is okay (as this is nerve-wracking)

Mans gets on the mic a week later ripping into your opponents in your absence

“Y/N made that championship, not the other way around. She didn’t need to be a whining, cowardly bitch to get it.”

I think Daniel would try his best to help you get inside of your opponent’s head (one good thing he learned from the JAS)

Will post on social media your merch, promos, and pictures (especially when your opponent posts something else)

“Anyways, stan Y/N”

Christian Cage

He’s suing everyone in sight (my hero)

Your opponent? Sued. The referee? sued. Tony Kahn? He is now in debt to Christian.

I think he would use his smart and manipulation tactics to really get the championship

You didn’t even have to ask him, he just did it for you

“Don’t worry sweetheart, everything is gonna be alright.”

Makes your opponent sign a contract that is in your huge favor

Then makes Luchasuarus choke slam them; you cover them (all within 5 seconds)

You win and now you and Christian roam around the locker room flaunting your championships

Hook

Hook mad? No, no, no. Mans is pissed

I think this along with what’s happening with Jack Perry has really sent him over the rails

He’s kicking everyone in sight, slapping people, throwing the security over the barricade

Tries to suplex your opponent but Jack stops him (which leads to a chase around the arena)

“That bastard can’t run for long. And your coward for an opponent won’t be able to defend that championship when we’re done with them.”

This leads to a tag match between you/Hook vs. your opponent/Jack

You got your lick back (best believe it)

You and Hook won your titles back within a match (a first in AEW history)

Ricky Starks

Mans in disbelief

Someone shut his mouth before he catches flies (god forbid he’s in his heel era cause everyone would be flamed)

I think he would be genuinely pissed off to the point where you couldn’t even calm him down

Immediately goes on a rant on the mic

“First, this company screws me over. Now it’s Y/N? Y’all have really fucked up! Are you lopsided, cross-eyed, inbred people just bored?”

….don’t argue with me, I can see him saying it…

Since he’s suspended, he manages you and you come back with a new attitude

After some “cheating” (Ricky calls it guaranteeing a victory), you win your championship back

Ricky’s there; just smiling and feels great that he was able to help you gain something back that meant so much to you

MJF:

Mans straight up buys it back

No, deadass, that’s it

He’s done with taking the higher road with certain shit/people so he goes back to bribing

Max literally just keeps upping the price

“I know that your poor, stank asses need more than 100 dollars so how about 1,000 dollars? Maybe you can buy some soap.”

After buying the belt and the reign, he throws you a coronation where he proclaims you the queen of the women’s division

Dares anyone to say otherwise

He also renegotiates your contract which strictly prohibits matches that you are not prepared for/made aware of

“I just wanna look out for you. Since this dumbass company can’t.”

[frownyalfred]

*busts down your doors* HEY! Long ask for ya

okay so I was rereading your fic where EMS showed up because Dick couldn’t flip on the trampoline (rip) and it got me thinking about routine trauma.

So here’s the thing: I am not EMS. I know three people who are EMS, but my extent of EMS experience comes from one (1) ride along and lurking on EMS subreddits. Those guys are a hoot. Great memes. Anyways.

A comment stuck out to me: “You haven’t truly lived the job until you’re eating a gas station burrito next to a dead body”. I’ve seen a bunch like that. Nonchalance and dark humor because well, that’s their job. Gore is the norm. Sure, depending on the area, your usual calls might just be lift assists, but other areas are neck deep in gang violence and violent crime.

A pretty common post on that subreddit is also, sadly, “I just got a call that’s never bothered me before but all of a sudden I’m broken” or “I’ve never had a problem running this type of call before but all of a sudden it just hit me.” Delayed trauma is a bitch. Someone pointed out that if a civilian saw a fatal car accident with multiple corpses, they’d be in therapy and given support and it’d be a huge deal. With EMS, they’re just expected to deal with it. (EMS mental health is getting better- there are helplines and resources and first responder focused therapies- but it’s still a developing field)

ANYWAYS, now that I’ve given you a crash course on the EMS mental health crisis (someone should really write a feature on EMS in Gotham those fuckers would be crazy and I love them already), my point is, how would this apply to the bats? Seeing bodies is treated as very much the norm to them, but do you think it ever just… catches up? The impact of seeing corpses day after day? Do you think they have to fake being fine and tough during those times because well, “everybody else in the family is fine with it, I’m not going to be a liability/burden/weak/etc”

Do you think Bruce, the goddamn batman, who shouldn’t be ruffled by anything, ever just feels something crack inside when he looks at a little boy who could have grown up healthy and strong like his Jason, had (Bruce) someone been there for him? and then he can’t work cases with kids for a week?

This is such an excellent ask, thank you so much for gracing my inbox with it!

It's a very good question. I'm also on a lot of those subreddits (needed to do some research for that fic) and the discussion in those forums and on TikTok is like you described, a kind of practiced desensitization to all gore and suffering in order to survive in their job.

What I've seen from those discussions (and my EMT friend) is an almost sub-conscious trend where they allow themselves the "thing" that breaks them, and they push a lot of that trauma and emotion onto that thing. Like an EMT saying they don't do kids, or they don't do gunshots to the eye, etc. And they'll sob like a baby on those calls, while remaining stone-faced and level-headed through the triple homicide.

I'm just theorizing here, but I imagine the Batfamily uses similar coping skills -- pushing all that trauma and suffering into a box which cracks only under limited, defined circumstances. And they break or snap only under those conditions, because, subconsciously, they allowed themselves to.

So yes, Bruce might be 99% fine with most of the bodies he sees, but there might be a little boy who has a detail (like Jason's dark hair) that just slams into him out of nowhere.

PTSD and trauma literally change the structure of the brain. Individuals react differently to trauma after that, but there does appear to be a "desensitizing" effect with repeated trauma, as the body tries to compensate.

I agree that the Gotham EMTs must be some crazy motherfuckers. They probably deal with 6x the normal shit EMTs deal with in other cities. They probably take on a lot more trauma and burn out quicker than other EMTs, too.

Anyone else have thoughts on this? I admit I don't cover PTSD explicitly in a lot of my fics.

[noonieftp]

Sneaky but freaky..🥀

!Drug dealer! Eren x poc reader.

Uhh this my first time doing this, so treat me kindly my peoples! This is a chapter story so bare with me 😅. I hope everyone enjoy my little story 🖤

Warning: if you feel uncomfortable or disturb in any type of way please exit off and enjoy the rest of your day.

Description: Eren is your boyfriend’s !drug dealer!. He’s been selling to Jean for months and even sold to you time to time. Eren likes you and didn’t think Jean was the right man for you, Jean never expected that. Of course, Eren had to say something one day that had Jean thinking…

Your name is jasmine btw 🫠

Minors dni pls 🥲

Sneaky but freaky..🥀

You and eren been friends for a long time, well not really just about 6 months. He was you’re plug. You were his favorite buyer, even though you didnt really buy from him unless you’re boyfriend jean was home. Jean and eren was friends in high school but they not very close, they would hang out here and there,at the apartment and parties but anywhere else they would act like they don’t know each other. It’s kinda weird.

Eren was older then jasmine and jean, not calling him old or nothing because he’s far from that. eren is 26, long black locks with gorgeous emerald green eyes. at first place eren seemed a bit on the skinny side until one day he came over to do a sale with you’re boyfriend and you ended up opening the door while you’re boyfriend was in the bathroom. When the door swung open and you seen that eren was wearing a all black compression shirt with grey sweat pants, he looked like he just came from the gym. His muscles looked like they were gonna rip his shirt, his abs was stuck to his shirt showing all it’s glory and-!

“Hey ma, what ya lookin’ at?” Eren looks down on you and smiled knowing he just caught you staring at his toned body.

You rolled you’re eyes and put you’re hand on you’re hip. “Boy nothing. You got my 8th?” You stuck you’re other hand out waiting for him to give it to you.

Eren looked passed you to see if jean was around. “Wheres ya man?” He look back down at you with you still giving him an annoyed face.

“Sitting on the toilet why?” You huffed but next thing you knew you felt eren’s arm snake around you’re waist and pulled you in. You gasp from the contact, you’re eyes shot up at him but all he did was lower his head to you’re shoulder and whispers into you’re ear.

“You look amazing today Jasmine” he then kissed you’re shoulder making you shutter under his touch, you were breathless from such a small encounter. Jean never made you feel like that before. You knew this was wrong but something about him just made everything feel so got damn right. You can admit that you and jean relationship is very toxic and isnt health for you’re mental but you loved him no matter how many times he cheated on you. You still loved that man.

Eren pull away from you when he heard the bathroom door open. He then dig into his pocket and took out the 8th and handed it to you when jean started to walk up.

Eren looked passed you again and smiled at jean. “Whats good man” jean dapped eren up and smiled back. “Nothing man just tryna get high so this b-“ jean stopped and looked at you, his whole mood changed.

“You see im talking so go.” You mumbled a sorry then turned around walking back to the living room.

Jean turn back to eren “this bitch is the reason why I need to get high” he sighs annoyed at you but eren gave jean a glare.

“You just talk about and to yo shawty like that” eren face said everything he was thinking but jean was to dumb to see it.

“Well yeah the bitch cant do shit but annoy me, fuck me, and roll my joints when I tell her to dude.” Eren shook his head and laughed at what jean just said.

“Aye man you’re a funny guy, but seriously though take good care of her or someone else will” eren looked passed him and yelled out bye to you, you yelled it back as you seen him start to walk away and jean slowly closing the door. When he came to the living room he seen you on you’re phone smiling at some game you were play.

What eren said didn’t sit right with jean. He walk over to you and snatched you’re phone out you’re hand making you gasp.

“Wtf! Jean gimme my damn phone!” He get up to take it back but he pushed you back on the couch.

“So now you’re fucking my plug” jean tone was so serious you could tell he wasnt joking. You’re face twisted up an you cocked you’re head back confused.

“Nigga wtf is you talkin’ about right now?!” You stand up from the couch and towards him. He laughed in you’re face like a mad man. “Bitch stop trying me. I know you and eren got something goin’ on, you think im fucking stupid!-“

“Yes you’re fucking stupid jean cause why the fuck do you think that?! I sit at him every fucking day till you get home! So why the fuck would I cheat on yo-“ you’re words were cut off when a hard slap connected to you’re face. You fell to the floor holding you’re face in disbelief.

“Bitch didn’t I say stop fucking tryin’ me!” He looks down on you and scoffs. “Now stop fuckin’ playin’ with me before I beat the fuck out of you like yo ex did.” That right there pushed you to the edge.

“He thinks he’s gonna put me thru hell like that nigga did? Fuck that!”

you quickly got up and shoved that man pushing him a bit out the living room close to the front door. “Nigga get the fuck out my apartment! You got me fucked up! GET THE FUCK OUT!” The anger in you made you feel stronger then ever but even so jean was a big guy..

His face twisted in rage, he stood up straight. You look down and see his fist ball up, reality snaps back to you making you’re beautiful skin turn cold knowing you just fucked up.

“You want me to get out right? I gotchu.” He started walking towards you forcing you to spin on you’re heels and run to you’re shared bedroom. You quickly slammed the door and locked it.

Jean was hot on you’re tail but he still got locked out. “Open the door babygirl” you could tell he was trying to stay calm but his words was laced with venom making you’re skin crawl. “Just leave me alone jean..”tears start to form from the sides of your eyes.

He bangs loudly on the door “open this fucking door jas!” You quickly grabbed your trap phone off your bed and went straight to your call log and called the last person you talked to on the phone, He hears your phone ring.

“Who you calling jas?! Nobody is gonna come and help you bitch” he started to kick the door ready to break it down. Fear hits you like a line of coke and tears started to fall hard until you hear the line connect.

To be continued..🥀

[maaarine]

It's not just Trump v Harris: America's men and women are also locked in battle now (Jonathan Freedland, The Guardian, Sep 27 2024)

"The numbers are stunning. An NBC poll this week found men favour Trump over Harris by 12 points, 52% to 40%.

Among women, Harris leads Trump by 21 points: 58% to 37%. Put the two together and you have a gender chasm of 33 points.

Men may not be from Mars and women may not be from Venus, but when it comes to choosing a US president, they are on different planets.

What explains it? (…)

Still, the long-running battle over abortion rights only explains one side of the gender divide.

Less obvious is that, as much as women are pulling away from Trump, large numbers of men, especially young men, are drawn towards him.

Here, the numbers are even more striking. Attitude surveys show that women between the ages of 18 and 29 are the most progressive group in US history.

Meanwhile, a majority of men the same age back Donald Trump. A poll of six battleground states last month found among gen Z voters a gender gulf of 51 points.

Part of it is explained by Trump’s trade in swaggering machismo, offering a kind of cartoonish manliness.

In recent months that part of his act has only got louder. His supporters always wore T-shirts showing Trump’s face superimposed on a ripped, Rambo-style body, but now they have the image of his bloodied face, fist pumped in the air, seconds after the assassination attempt on him in July, as he urged his followers to “Fight, fight, fight!”

There is nothing subtle about this. At his party convention in Milwaukee he was introduced by wrestler Hulk Hogan and the man behind the Ultimate Fighting Championship.

Bear in mind that one study of young people around the world found that while young women were most concerned about issues such as “sexual harassment, domestic violence, child abuse and mental health”, young men were more focused on “competition, bravery, and honour”. (…)

The performative masculinity includes a strong element of defiance.

Trump’s disregard for the norms and etiquette that govern most politicians shows a contempt for strictures that are seen as constraining men in particular.

When he breaks the rules, it’s often men who cheer because they feel those rules shackle them too – and they’re sick of being told off.

As one 20-year-old Trump voter complained to the New York Times, US society no longer “lets boys be boys”.

As he put it: “Men my age, from a very young age we were told, ‘You’re not supposed to do this, you’re not supposed to do that, you’re just supposed to sit here and be quiet.’” Trump is anything but quiet.

Running alongside all this is the strong conviction that increased diversity and advances for women pose a threat to men.

A third of men who back Trump believe that gains for women have come at men’s expense, a figure that rises to 40% among men under-50 who support the former president."

[giggly-squiggily]

Oh wow, thank you so much! I would like to request zenitsu with a s/o who has body image issues, If that’s ok. I remembered that they’re all buff, not just inosuke (which would be really funny if he was the only ripped one) but it just made me hyper-aware of my own body, even though I’ve been told my weight is fine. Once again thank you very very much and have a very happy holidays! -🎄

Heyo friend! My deepest apologies, I've been meaning to write this for the longest time but wanted to wait until I was in a good mental health space to do it. I can relate to this issue as well; especially the hyper fixation part. It's not an easy journey to work through, and I wish I could say something that makes everything easier- but all I can really say is you're not alone feeling this way, and that no matter how your body looks, it's valid the way it is. <3

(And 100% agree- we need more squishy slayers! I get their training leads to them having more buff bodies but I want squish! I want pudgy bellies and thick thighs dang it!) I hope I did your prompt justice friend <3

((Not gonna tag list peeps this one due to the content warnings below))

CW: Body image issues, self worth issues, mentions of eating disorders, insecurity, food, angst, hurt/comfort

It shouldn’t bother you so much.

Inosuke was always shirtless- saying something about clothes dulling his senses. There weren’t any rules against him going without, and if it really did affect his combat skills, it was better this way.

Still, it didn’t make you feel any better, pressing your arms tighter against your stomach as you watched him stretch. His build was so muscular and toned- his body giving him the extra ‘oomph’ he needed to perform the moves he does. It was what you deemed to be the ideal body type for the Demon Corps.

And you…well. Weren't that.

Your body was fine, according to Lady Kocho. Everything worked as it should, and you were able to keep up with the boys during training and whatnot. Things were on a smooth track, as she put it.

Still, you couldn’t help but feel...less, seeing not just Inosuke, but both Tanjiro and Zenitsu so ripped. They were developing hard muscles as visual evidence of their efforts. When they took their shirts off, you could tell just by looking at them they were Corp members.

You pressed more firmly against the soft parts of your torso, something cold and unpleasant setting in your gut as you came to the realization that even if you worked your absolute hardest, it's never likely you'll never look like them.

“(Y/N)? Are you okay?” Tanjiro’s voice made you gasp and look up, finding his concerned eyes. “You look like you’re gonna throw up- is your stomach hurting?”

“Maybe they ate too much.” Inosuke piped up. It was such a meaningless comment, but it still felt like a dagger in your heart.

“Inosuke, hush.” Tanjiro scowled, but the damage was already done.

“That’s probably it! I just overate.” You put on what you hoped to be a smile as you straightened up, arms still guarding your stomach. “I’m gonna go see if Miss Kocho has medicine- bye!” You twisted so hard dust puffed around your feet, racing into the manor as Tanjiro called after you. Thankfully no one was following- it felt like permission to let the tears fall.

On your way in, you didn’t see Zenitsu watching you.

~~~

“Maybe I should cut back..” You murmured softly, slumped away in a spare room as you wiped your tear stained cheeks. You likely looked a mess- eyes puffy and face hot. It was a miracle no one came by to hear you sobbing alone. “Will that help me look like them?”

As if fate hated you, your stomach growled. You pushed your hand against it with a bitter thought. “Don’t even start. I need to do this.”

“Do what, exactly?” You yelped when you heard a voice, looking up to find Zenitsu. In his hands he had an assortment of things- a box of tissues, two ice cubes in a cup, and…

Oh no. “I’m not..” You began, only for your stomach to growl at the sight of the onigiri. Zenitsu raised a brow.

“You are.” He chided, coming over and sitting down. After offering the tissues to clean up with, he handed you the cup of ice. “These are good for swollen eyes. I know- I cry all the time.” He smiled, puffing some when you let out a weak giggle.

“I guess you’d know all the tricks to things like this.” You took the ice, wincing some at the chill. “Thanks, Zen.”

“Hm.” The blonde nodded, watching you circle your eyes with the chilly cubes. “How’s your stomach?”

“Huh?” You dropped a cube, watching it bounce away. “My what?”

He stared at you. You felt your face get hot. “Shoot…you knew that was a lie, huh?”

“I am your partner, (Y/N).” He reminded gently, frowning when you dipped your head. “Do you wanna talk about it? You’ve been looking so down recently- I want to help if I can.”

“I don’t think you could.” You sank further, hating how your stomach began to really hurt. Zenitsu, noticing this, offered you the rice balls.

“I don’t want them.” You shook your head.

“Your stomach hurts cause you haven’t eaten since this morning.”

“I can skip meals.”

“That’s not safe.”

“So what? If it means I can finally look like a proper slayer, I’ll do it!” You snapped, voice raising. Then you fell silent as you realized what you just said. Zenitsu blinked at you a few times.

“...What?” He stared, watching you tear up. “(Y/N)...”

“S-Sorry. That didn’t- I didn’t want to say that..” You sniffed, hating how close to tears you were today. “Just forget about it. I’m being stupid.”

Zenitsu stared at you before putting down the rice balls, scooting closer and reaching out. “(Y/N)..” You leaned away, and he let his hand fall back to his lap. “Are you starving yourself?”

“No…I just thought about it.” You confessed, unable to look at him. “I overeat, so I thought if I stopped eating lunch, maybe all this extra fat would go away.” You looked down at your stomach, tearing up again. “Then I’ll look like you guys. I’ll have muscles. I'll finally look like a real slayer..."

Zenitsu was quiet for a bit, seemingly stunned silent. Then he turned so he was facing you properly. “(Y/N), can I have your hand?”

You peeked at him, watching as he tugged up his shirt. “Why..”

“Please?” He asked again, eyes serious. You decided to give in and let him take your hand. He brought it to his torso, pushing it against his stomach. “Can you feel it?”

“I..” You didn’t really know what you were feeling. It felt like a body- warm beneath your touch. The whole thing was a bit embarrassing- your face heated up again at the thought of somebody walking in on you. “Zen, I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel.”

“Sure you do. It’s my squish.” He nodded proudly, watching you blink in confusion. “Even when I gained all these muscles you’ve mentioned, I’m still soft. You have muscles too. They might not as visible, but they're there."

He was in fact soft. You pressed in, something oddly satisfying about the gesture. Zenitsu jerked and doubled over with a giggle, making you smile. “S-Sehee? I’m squishy. We all are.”

“But Inosuke..”

“Inosuke’s squishy too. He might not look it, but he is.” He released your hand, opting to hold it gently within his own. “Just because you’re not crazy ripped with no squish doesn’t make you any less of a Slayer. You don’t need your muscles to show to prove your worth. You've already done that just by being you. You're courageous, smart, kind.."

You felt your eyes water again, this time for a new reason. “Zen..”

"Really attractive." He winked, making you snort through your tears. “You're perfect the way you are. Forget about skipping meals, okay? It’s dangerous. What if you pass out mid-breathing technique with a demon? I don't-I can't lose you.” Zenitsu pulled the onigiri out, bringing it to your lips. “You eat fine- don't change for the sake of visuals."

Your stomach growled again, and you finally took a bite. The rice was seasoned and fluffy, and the filling was your favorite. You almost cried again at the taste. “Thank you..”

“Eat first. Thank me later.” Zenitsu smiled as you carried on eating, reaching out and grabbing a thermos. You didn’t see him with it earlier- he must have had it stashed away. “I brought tea too. No, I didn’t brew it- I wasn’t gonna make you feel worse.”

You nearly choked on your food as you laughed, smiling behind your fist as Zenitsu poured a cup for you. “Hohohow coohohnsiderate!"

“Yeah, I'm like that sometimes.” He grinned, relaxing as you sipped your tea. “I love you too much to let you die my attempts at making tea."

“New breathing technique unlocked- poison tea. Quick, let's go tell Lady Kocho.” You giggled, watching him start to smile. Before long, the two of you were laughing freely, falling into each other as you laughed yourselves breathless.

You are truly grateful to have someone like him in your life.

Thanks for reading!

[supremebaddietrash]

I feel like I want to say something for Liam but I don’t think I have processed or accepted it yet. After spending the entire day crying, you’d think the tears would stop or I’d begin to realise what’s really happened. But I’m stuck here. In the weird space where I’m 12 and the only thing I can think of is One Direction, and me now, no longer 12 and still unable to think of something else. Liam’s death is something that I don’t want to accept because he didn’t deserve to die this way. Had it been a health issue ten years down the lane or something, I would mourn but at least it wouldn’t feel as awful as knowing that he died in such a horrible way, so publicly, the last moments of his life spent alone and out of his senses, no doubt feeling a whole host of negative emotions. His recent interviews have always shown a side of Liam that is coping or talking about himself in a negative sense which just breaks my heart. The recent controversies about him, true or not, I’m sure contributed to his worsened state. Not only that but the harsh words of the fans, calling him an attention seeker and what not, just make me mad. The fact that last recording we have of him is outside the hotel signing autographs and getting pictures with his fans.

Liam as part of One Direction has been our childhood. He’s been there for us, his music has been there for us. We’ve grown up with him. So many fans can say that he has been very important to them for a variety of reasons. He saved them. And to think to his last moment with us, he was smiling and being our Payno for us, but somehow people still were able to be so heartless and cruel. No doubt he suffered due to fame and even in his death, he was violated by TMZ.

When does it end? It’s so easy for all these people to say RIP but what about when you were being needlessly mean? I’m not excusing bad behaviour and I’m not saying that’s he’s perfect or that his mental issues and struggles allow him to mistreat others if that is what has happened, all I’m saying is that you don’t need to attack even the good parts of a person to attack their character for their mistakes. Is it so hard to accept that maybe he isn’t doing so well and not being good for people around him and it’s okay to criticise those actions but also give him grace because we all know that that’s not who Liam was and it’s probably a cumulative response to throwing a teenager into Hollywood filled with exploitative people. You claim to be a fan but either you sacrifice your morals and stand with pedos and stuff or you immediately turn your back on your idols for the smallest slight and hop on the hate train. Where is the balance? Yk Liam has struggled with alcohol issues and a lot of other things, is it really hard to excuse some comments he may have made about the boys? Like is that so bad that you have to shame him? Even the boys didn’t care. As for maya as far as I can see the worst he’s done is bother her and her decision to send a cease and desist seems valid to me. I don’t think any of this warranted bullying.

Anyways, rest in peace Liam. I wish that you know how much you are loved and how much you are missed. I hope you know that your talent speaks for itself and that you see the outpour of love for you now from people across the world and know that you made it. You made it big and you made it into our hearts and we’ll keep you safe always. I’ll never forget you and how much you mean to me. How much you impacted me. How you’re a piece of me and of so many others who grew up watching you. I pray to god to keep you safe and to watch over your family and over little Bear. I hope he’ll heal and always remember his father the way we do. As an amazing human.

[alaskan-wallflower]

kyle would not be chubby. absolutely no disrespect to other anon, hdc whatever you want, i just cannot see it given his canon character traits. kyle seems like the kind of guy that takes his physical health very seriously, and it’s kind of obvious that he feels a certain way about being overweight. i’m not saying he’s outwardly fatphobic toward anyone but cartman, but i am saying that deep down he would be afraid of being fat (based on his own mom being overweight and how everyone treats cartman) so yes, he’d have some internalized fatphobia. he’s the kind of guy that’s like “well if you’re unhappy with your weight you should work out and eat better, being healthy is important🤓👆” and because he had so many health issues as a kid, i see him as having mild health ocd and using exercise as a way to relieve the anxiety that comes with that. he’s also insecure about other parts of his appearance like his hair and nose, so i see him working really hard on his physique so he can have something about himself that he’s confident in. he’s also arguably the sportiest of the boys, he genuinely enjoys physical activity, and every time we see the broflovskis eating dinner it’s something like salmon and vegetables. genetics don’t just automatically make you overweight if you’re actively doing things to stay at a caloric deficit.

and then in post covid he is so obviously the fittest and tallest among all of his male ex classmates, barring tolkien (adult tolkien is absolutely jacked, argue with the wall) so we can assume he carried his healthy habits into adulthood.

fit kyle is basically canon. sleeper build kyle is the best hdc. and NO SKINNY STAN you can rip sexy beer-bellied post covid stan from my cold dead hands!!!

yeah, i can’t really see him being chubby. i can see him being baby faced throughout middle school, but i can’t see him being chubby.

but i can see him being a little bit ocd about health. probably not really a mentality of ‘i don’t wanna end up like my mom or cartman’, maybe he does have a bit of an internalized fatphobia, but i can kinda see him also having a mentality that ‘my immune system is already fucked up, im diabetic and unhealthy health wise, i don’t wanna be unhealthy weight wise’. i think it’d be a mix of both, unfortunately.

stan wouldn’t be skinny. randy would probably have him eating ‘rich people food’ or maybe it’s just simple genetics. i dunno. i can see stan being somewhat fit in high school, but in college, that’s another story.

[rdng1230]

911 spoilers

god where do I even begin???

First of all, I was ready to flip a fucking table when Gerard said that to Tommy. I really love the detail of Chim standing up to him though, I think it’s nice that 911 continually reminds us that Tommy isn’t just buck’s boyfriend, he also has his own history with the 118 gang. I could see how tense Tommy was and my heart broke for him. I also love Buck getting in Gerard’s face a little as he walked away. We Stan a protective boyfriend.

I was never a foster kid but because of custody fights I know EXACTLY how it feels to be ripped away from the family you love because of what a judge says. My heart breaks for Mara and for Henren, when Denny got in the middle my heart tore even more. That councilwoman genuinely is evil. She has no idea how long lasting and deep those wounds are for a kid.

the last supper montage/scene with Bobby hurt my feelings, but I loved the voiced acknowledgement of bucks growth. I think Buck still has lingering self doubts, and Bobby coming out and saying “you’re not that guy anymore” I think will help Buck let more of those doubts go.

the scene with Buck discovering Kim played out pretty much exactly as it had in my head. I don’t know why I just had the feeling Buck was going to encounter her first before shit hit the fan. I loved his concern for Eddie *and* for Kim. “Does this poor woman know she’s a carbon copy of your late wife?” I think he’s really good at saying things that genuinely reach Eddie. Buck knows that Eddie doesn’t want to hurt anyone, and so he uses that to wedge the door open. Listen, I’m not opposed to buddie happening one day (although I really don’t want a Bucktommy breakup) but whatever happens, them being friends who can be honest with each other is so important. They’re great partners for each other in really every sense of the word.

I can see Athena’s desperation but I also think her completely disregarding Amir’s boundaries and needs is a fucking dick move. Bobby needs a therapist, and probably some in patient mental health treatment too. Amir should be left in peace.

I knew the Kim thing had been too easy and as soon as that door opened and I saw her hair, I fucking knew Chris was going to see. But god Ryan did SO WELL with that scene. He genuinely had me choked up. He Shoulders so much loneliness and anger and hurt and he never really unloads it. I really can’t imagine the grief he feels even if I don’t always buy that he was *in* love with Shannon. I think she was very special to him, but I don’t think she was the love of his life. I still can’t decide what I feel about Kim for that. Truly, on the one hand girl WHAT THE FUCK and on the other, yeah maybe that was the only way Eddie was ever gonna say all that shit out loud. Her motives are as yet a total mystery to me.

Chris gets his own bullet point. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. I really can’t imagine the hurricane of emotions he must have felt and will feel. I truly do not know how his relationship with Eddie will ever recover, and it would not shock me in the least if chris went and stayed with Buck for a while. I get what Ryan means when he says Eddie’s gonna end the season really isolated.

Im gonna miss that house, it really was gorgeous.

I love a good fretting over someone in the hospital scene and this cast in particular does so well with them. Looking forward to next week and also fucking terrified at the emotional fallout of everything particularly for Chris, Mara, and Denny.

boy “punched in the gut repeatedly” really was accurate huh?

[0-r-a-y-0]

Overwhelming— Romantic #17

In which: Nick is stressed out with editing and getting closer to going on tour again, Jasper forces him to take a break

This is my oldest draft. I’m so happy I get to finally post it 😭😭 also posted twice in one night 😱😱

Hours after hours, Nick had been staring at his laptop. His headphones plugging into his ears with Melanie Martinez and Doja Cat blasting as he went through and edited videos and created thumbnails; as well as respond to emails. They were about to go on tour again soon, and Nick didn’t want to be editing while sitting on a tour bus. So if he got it all done now, he’d only have to worry about traveling and meeting fans.

But there was a downside to this. He had no time to spend with his boyfriend and brothers since he’s been stuck in his room since he made that decision. Matt and Chris barely see him in the house and he doesn’t remember the last time he talked to Jasper. He felt so stressed and overwhelmed but he didn’t know what to do to relief that stress. And he didn’t know how much longer he could go until he broke.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees his phone light up but he doesn’t care to check it, even though he knows who it is. He sighs, turning his music up louder and getting back to work, focusing ten times harder than he did a second ago.

Without Nick being aware, his bedroom door opens and Jasper slips through. He sees him working and can hear the music through his headphones. He sits next to him and taps Nick on the shoulder, causing him to jump and rip of his headphones off.

“Fuck! You scared the shit out of me!” Nick yells, his hand on his chest.

“You’re still editing?” Jasper asked, laying on his side, his arm propping him up.

“Yeah, I think I’m almost done though. I only have like five videos left.” He answers.

“Hun, you need a break. Your brothers told me you haven’t left your room in days.” The curly haired boy stated.

“That’s not even true. I left like…” Nick trails off to check the time. “Five hours ago to get a snack.”

“Baby, that’s not right. You’ve been working your ass off. Take a break.” Jasper says.

“I can’t. Tour is coming up in two weeks and I need to get everything done so I’m not worn out while I’m meeting fans and performing.” The redhead replies.

“Hun, you have two weeks. A little break isn’t going to affect anything. But if you’re nonstop working, you’re mental health is going to be horrible and you’ll be Murder able during tour, and that’s when you’re supposed to have fun.”

“I know I’m supposed to have fun but I’ll be stressed about this until it’s done and—”

“Nope. No more of that bullshit. You’re breaking out right above your nose and you know what that means when you break out there? It means you’re stressed. And I know you’re overwhelmed because there’s no pimple patches on your face.” Jasper claims. “And you look so tired, baby.”

“Honey, I’m fine. It’s nothing to worry about. How about I finish these five videos and then we can destress or whatever you want to do.” Nick suggested.

“No. We’re doing it now. Everything is so overwhelming for you right now and you need a minute to take a breather.” He confirms. “Shut your computer and put it away.”

Nick sighs, but doing what he’s told. “Good. Okay, now let’s get some food.” Jasper says, pulling him out of bed.

They decide to make Mac n cheese, well Jasper makes it, Nick sits down at the table with his head down. He’s tired, mentally and physically, and he is ready to take a break.

Jasper feeds Nick at the table since he started complaint about how his fingers are beginning to hurt from typing and editing for hours on end. Which, Nick thought it was ridiculous for him to get fed but he wasn’t going to complain about it.

After they eat, they go up to Nick’s room again, where they lay down and watch some of his favorite movies.

“You’re tense.” Jasper comments, rubbing Nick’s shoulder.

“I mean, I guess.” The redhead shrugs like it’s nothing.

“Take your shirt off and lay on your stomach.” He says.

“What?” Nick asked.

“Just do it!” Jasper says.

“Fine.” He replied, sitting up and pulling his shirt off and laying down.

Jasper gets on top of him, rubbing and kneading his shoulders. “Are you giving me a massage?” Nick asked, only to be shushed by Jasper.

“Yes, now be quiet and let me do it! It isn’t helpful if you talk.” He claims, twisting his hair before going back to massaging his shoulders.

Jasper goes on to massage his whole body, his shoulders, then the rest of his arms, his neck and then his back. Minus the low groans and whimpers from satisfaction, Nick stayed mostly silent.

After they’re done, Nick throws his shirt back on and lays down in his bed, feeling more refreshed then ever. “When did you learn how to give massages?” He asked.

“My mom used to give me massages all the time. Like twice a month or something.” Jasper replied, laying beside him and playing with his hair.

“That’s cool. Your mom is cool.” Nick yawns, sinking into his pillow. “I’m tired.”

“I bet you are. Go to sleep, darling, I’m right here.” He tells him, rubbing his cheek.

And with night, Nick drifts off, feeling relaxed and no longer stressed.