#respect the zucchini

[penig]

Honestly, the saving grace of zucchini, the thing that keeps people planting it despite it doing That, is that when you shred it and add it to moderately sweet baked goods they become moist and dense and even more delicious without being too heavy! Zucchini bread is every bit as good as banana bread and nobody tells you that's diet.

And yeah, okay, zucchini (and bananas) are pretty good for you but that is not the point. The point of zucchini (and banana) bread is that you can bake something everyone will enjoy and use up the damn zucchini (and the bananas that are too soft to slice and will turn liquid in the next half hour if action is not taken).

[milfandmoney]

would looooove to request a possessive mel fic...perhaps when reader's ex comes in to town?

Greener Than A Zucchini

melissa schemmenti x gn!reader

summary: melissa lets herself get carried away by her jealousy and you're not having any of it.

warnings: sexual themes (no actual smut), miscommunication (resolved), discussions of marking, light choking, jealousy

18+. NSFW content. MDNI.

The moment you closed the door, Melissa had your back pressed against it, one hand on your waist as the other reached for your throat.

You were used to the feeling of her fingers closing on your neck, the gentle pressure she applied to make you moan and give herself full access to your mouth. You liked it rough, the both of you, and enjoyed exploring sex together. You'd always felt safe in her hands.

Something felt off this time.

Too rough, too hard, too possessive as she pushed her tongue inside your mouth.

You groaned against her lips and placed your hands on her shoulders, pushing her away from you as gently as you could. She gave you another hungry kiss before taking a step back to breathe—to let you breathe.

"Is something wrong?" she inquired, grabbing your face gently, caressing your cheeks with her thumbs.

"I should be the one asking that question, Mel."

"What do you mean?"

Her tone sounded dangerously accusatory. You had never fallen victim to that side of her, to the hot-blooded reactions. She visibly cringed and turned her back to you before she started to make her way to the living room.

You followed after her and joined her on the couch when she dropped down on it. You stayed silent for a moment, watching Melissa as she put her face in her hands. You gave her time to breathe and gather her thoughts, didn't even try to rub her back for comfort.

"Sorry, you didn't deserve that."

You responded with a simple hum, and, finally, she looked back at you.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on inside your head?" you inquired, resting a hand on her thigh to give it a reassuring squeeze.

She took a moment to think, leaned back into the couch, looking up at the ceiling. You could see the frown forming on her face. So embarrassed that she was struggling to speak up—a rare sight, something that you had witnessed only when you confronted her about her feelings for you.

Melissa took deep breaths and scowled reluctantly.

"When I saw your ex this morning," she started, still avoiding your eyes, "I felt... I felt old and fucking ugly. I can't compete with someone like that, ya know."

"Mel, you don't have to compete with anyone," you assured, and turned your body towards her, your knees touching her thigh. "I love you, and I chose you."

She nodded at your words.

"I know. I was just insecure. I wanted to..."

Melissa paused. She looked at you, biting her lip. Her embarrassment was so obvious, you didn't dare say anything, for fear that she would close herself up again.

"I wanted to prove I can fuck you better than she could, even at my age."

"Mel..."

"You're mine, and I need the world to know that just 'cause I'm older doesn't mean I can't take care of you."

You scooted closer to her and wrapped your arms around her. It was hard to believe that Melissa had managed to hold back all of that all day long—you'd know her to be more explosive and expressive. She must have been boiling over. Which could explain why she'd pushed you against the door as soon as it was closed.

"We could start telling people that we're dating," you assured, pushing a lock of red hair behind Melissa's ear.

"I could go back to my original plan and fuck you hard and leave marks all over your body."

"We could do both."

Melissa smirked at you and laid her hands on your thighs. She didn't push things any further though, seemingly waiting for a signal from you, for something more.

"But you need to promise that you'll tell me if you ever feel like that again."

"I promise."

You knew that you could trust a Schemmenti's promise. She would be good and respect you, you had no doubt about it. And well, you understood where her insecurities came from—now you trusted that she would do a better job of communicating them with you.

You were gentle as you grabbed her face and kissed her. It was brief, sweet, nothing like the hungry and possessive kiss Melissa had initiated earlier. The perfect way to give her an out if she wasn't ready for more, but still an invitation to deepen the kiss—you didn't pull away from her.

"Let me mark you. Let me mark your neck so your stupid ex knows not to touch you when you see her tomorrow."

"Do your worst, Schemmenti."

[crepesuzette2023]

As the most infamous fic reccomender do you have anything which will get me out of this depressive pit I've recently fallen into? Something like 'I need you darlin' where its like a well-rounded full story of them falling for each other.

As someone who's familiar with "the long, dark tea-time of the soul," I'll do my best!

The I Need You Darlin' verse (@beatlessideblog) is definitely my go-to as well when I'm stranded on the emotional equivalent of wherever that was where they filmed The Terror, so we share that love. :-)

Many of my comfort reads are on the shorter side: smutty or humorous one shots, but your ask for well rounded stories made me think of these longer fics, too. Hopefully some of these spark joy:

Weddings (@ohjohnnysblog). John and Paul get married in their hearts in Paris '61, and before the law in 2014. They go through many ups and downs, but it all ends well.

I also enjoy 5 Thomas Lane (@chut-je-dors): Modern AU in which John and Paul are married dads. This one is more of a collection of long, one-shot chapters set in the same world rather than a fic with an overarching plot, so perfect for coming back to. The extra Phone Sex is a hot and funny. And check out this art!

A story I keep thinking about is Whatever Fate Decrees (@dailyhowl). John and Paul are an artist and musician, respectively, but still find each other. Lots and lots of pining, but a happy ending, I promise...and Brian lives! <3

Beautiful and so hot my dignity doesn't stand a chance: always, no sometimes (@stonedlennon). Private moments with John and Paul during the lead-up to Sgt. Pepper's.

Suffer Fools Gladly (@aquarianshift): John and Paul through the Beatles years. Four times they almost kissed, and one time they did. One of my favorite endings: zucchini-bread-bearing Lesbians ex machina!

Can You Still Love Me Tomorrow (@imaginebeatles). It's a sweet, romantic Christmas story, but lovely in any season. Modern/fake dating AU. Note the 'slutty!Paul' tag.

And here is a story-in-miniatures: Three lovely vignettes of young J&P through Mike McCartney's eyes, by thinkpink20: Sunday Morning, Boys, Interrupted, and Sleepless in Wales. Bonus: The Photograph, in which John gets to thinking after seeing one of Mike's portraits of Paul.

This is on the short side, but so comforting: Paul and John take a bath in Hamburg! (after bombardment, sonya, by inherownwrite)

Other comfort-/'satisfying my urgent need to laugh my ass off'- stories:

You Might Well Arsk (snugglesweaters). Barista John and student Paul strike up an email correspondence. One thing leads to the next...

Paul's Got John's Thigh, And He's Not Letting Go! (@waveofahand). Press conference shenanigans.

Fixing A Hole: Beatles Songs Scientifically Sorted In Order Of Gayness (@chut-je-dors, @imaginebeatles). Just gimme some truth.

[yurucamp]

hello io! i hope that you're doing well (no stomach ache! or at least a manageable one..). i've been wanting to ask you about your favourite fruits, vegetables, and plants! you drew persimmon fruits recently, which i adore. i'm trying to plan gardening for the next planting season, so i'm asking lots of people. also wanted to thank you for sharing your photography - you've inspired me to take even more photos - i want to see beauty everywhere. hope that you're taking care. stay safe!

hi anon! what a wonderful question... honestly, it would be much easier for me to list the fruits and vegetables i don't like (i hate pineapples and am largely negative towards brussel sprouts). basically any vegetable can be prepared in a scrumptious way, but if i had to choose a handful to subsist off of, it would be radishes, cucumbers, red cabbage, sea buckthorn, endives, oyster mushrooms, pomegranate, figs, good apples (aport, macoun!), honey mandarins... oh, is rhubarb a fruit? i adore rhubarb most of all

as for planting, maybe you're not far north enough for it, but you should plant rhubarb, it's a perfect herald of spring! i also think fresh tomatoes and cucumbers, even if they are the most generic thing to plant, can beat out pretty much anything... i especially like the green zebra cultivar of tomatoes if you can find it, they are yummmmmmy!! and the zucchini conundrum is really a blessing, because they are such a versatile vegetable; lebanese zucchini fritters, georgian zucchini rolls, and any sort of sweet zucchini bread/muffin are all divine

good luck with your garden and thank you so much for the message! i'm so overjoyed to read it and hear that (about the photos); it's easy to feel silly for stopping to take a photo of everything, but i am so much better off for having the ability to preserve and recall the little spontaneous moments of beauty. (my mom beats me in this regard, i can't take a walk with her without losing her and then finding her crouched behind a dumpster trying to capture a photo of textures on the facade of an abandoned building. i have such a respect for her ability to find collage everywhere and i want to carry it into my own life.)

[brokendarkfairyempressforever]

INTRO POST (guys I finally did it)

Assalamualaikum(peace be upon you), hi, hiya, hiiii!

My name is Sabreen(no this is not my real name, please don't ask) I'm a Desi Bangladeshi Muslim who lives in the heck country of the U.S. I love books, cartoons, movies, cats, and other stuff(probably)

This blog supports Palestine🇵🇸🍉, Yemen, Syria, Sudan, Congo, and anyone who is under oppression. I will stand with you in social justice issues. Everyone deserves empathy, respect, understanding, and kindness.

DNI if you're zionist, Islamophobic, racist, sexist, a nazi, a colorist, anyone who hates or belittles anyone. If you hate anyone who is a different social economic status than you get out, if you hate anyone based on their skin color, their race, their religion, their gender, their home situation, their family situation, their homeland then get out. I don't tolerate haters.

Naraini (Myna) calls me Habibti @hijabi-flavored-nerd

Beana (Bea) calls me Sabreena @book-girl4evaaa

Riya (Riyana) calls me Sabreeni zucchini @im-on-crack-send-help

I will do a list of my moots eventually

Likes:

BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS(I probably read at least some of the same books as you

Mystery

Fantasy

Adventure

Sci Fi

CATS

Writing poems

Random story ideas

MOON AND STARS

cherry blossoms

CATS

Indigo but more on the purple side-favorite color

sleeping more like spiraling lol

Uhhhh I don't know what else to add(I'm not good at stuff like this I'm sorry)

Oh yeah I'm a chaotic arsonist and I'm the leader of the chaotic arson gang

I have a cat named zayne

I have a lot of mental health issues (adhd, anxiety(general and social), bpd, cptsd, depression, DID, and ptsd)(I might be autistic but no one wants to get that checked out sooo yeah) So this blog is very friendly with fellow messed up minds

I've faced racism, colorism, sexism, abuse, homelessness, bad grades, islamophobes, and bullying. I also have a speech impediment

So I'm just trying to say I will never hate you and I will care about you until my last breath. You deserve the world and so much more. If you need/want a safe place, I'm here

So I'm still discovering/rediscovering myself. You're gonna see a lot of random reblogs and posts😅

I'm not always mentally okay and I'm sorry in advance.

Anyway yeah

I might update or change some stuff later

Here's some lore about my username

I accept any asks unless they're too invasive or I'm just not comfortable. I don't usually do chains but I appreciate the love.

Um I think that's it ? I don't know guys I literally don't know myself but welcome to my home i guess!

Catch ya on the flip side 🌒✨🌘✨❣️🫠✌🏼🐾😺

*update: I’m really not okay so I’m very sorry if you see depressing stuff. I may or may not be active as much because of school but also because of my mental health

[respectthepetty]

“It’s okay, I don’t need a birthday cake. Just you is enough”

AND THEN JENG PROCEEDS TO MAKE A WHOLE ASS MEAL OUT OF PAT!!!!!!!

*I type this from the grave*

As a vegetarian, let me defend carrot cake! Much like zucchini bread, it is a top-tier baked good. It brings together multiple groups on the food pyramid and really deserves a better reputation. It is reliable and very adult-like. And that cake was hella cute with that little bunny rabbit!

So although I understand Jeng's lack of interest in such a delicious treat when he was trying to devour a completely different dessert

I would like everyone to put some respect on its name much like these Carrot Cake Scenes of the episode that people are not appreciating enough.

Carrot Cake Scenes that deserves our respect:

Bruce finally got a happening ending! This is justice for what Lovely Writer did to his character, and I hope Chot gets the management position.

And this amazing sermon from Chot about how Pat continues to invalidate Jeng's feeling even though he knows Jeng is a capable intelligent man AND by proxy, Pat is shitting on himself thinking that a capable and intelligent man wouldn't see Pat as someone worth loving.

The way this scene was bookend-ed with Pat saying he "was not happy at all" but Jeng telling Pat he "want[s] to be happy with" him.

Jeng and Pat's outfits for their imagined wedding were the same outfits we all joked about in episode four when Jeng was already planning their wedding after seeing Pat at the top of the stairs.

That the first comment Jen made to Jaab is carefully reminding him that he has a partner since their friendship is in ruins because they forgot that last time.

And finally, Jaab confirming how the spare can do whatever he wants but the heir cannot.

Which could be the reason that Jeng is being so reckless.

He has suppressed his feelings for so long due to family obligations that he is falling and can't be reasonable.

A reliable and very adult bunny rabbit like him deserves to finally have his carrot cake and eat it too.

[dyinglikenarcissus]

Stripped Naked

Part III

Warnings: 18+ only! Contains: Virgin reader, stripping, alcohol, vaginal intercourse, a couple consenting adults having a good time. It’s pretty vanilla but sometimes all you want is vanilla

He wanted you to come over after your third date but you weren’t ready yet. You knew what ‘coming over for dinner’ meant. It took two months to finally work up the courage to ask Steve to ask you over for dinner again. It was so backwards and silly. And you just weren’t quite ready.

And he respected that.

He kept your dates public and always made sure you were comfortable. He was so respectful it was almost unbelievable.

It took you almost an hour to plan out your text message only for Steve to call you in the middle of writing it and force you to stutter through your speech.

“You are so fucking adorable,” Steve sighs through the phone after you tell him your date idea.

“Should I, um, bring like an, uh, over…night…bag?” You draw out the question as long as possible fearing how ridiculous you sound.

“I don’t know. Do you plan on staying the night?” You can hear the smile in his voice and your face heats the more you think about it.

“Do you want me to?” You whisper.

“I would love for you to stay the night.” There’s such a heavy emphasis on the word ‘love’ that your heart skips a beat.

You suppress a whine at his heated words. “Okay! See you Saturday! Bye!” You rush and toss the phone at your bed. You hear his chuckle because you were too dumb to actually hang up the phone and a muffled, “See ya, sunshine,” before your phone beeps.

You’re so nervous and excited, you have your bag packed by Wednesday.

He was going to have Bucky cook but you thought it would be more fun to cook together. “I don’t know what we have, sunshine,” Steve sighs as you walk together through the grocery store aisles.

“You have to have salt. Bucky’s a chef.”

“You should call him and ask,” the blond suggests while pushing the cart.

“Do you go in your kitchen at all?”

“I go in there to get drinks. I know we have beer, and bourbon, and whiskey, and those limearita things which we need more of. Oh! And there’s water in the door.”

“Oh my gosh,” you giggle as he continues to list all the alcohol in his home. You wind your way around the grocery store and learn far more than you have on any date. Steve has a huge sweet tooth. He wanted every ice cream tub and candy bar he saw but settled on a cherry pie you could share. He’d stand there and read the labels on all of them to convince himself he didn’t need it. “I could have like five protein shakes or this one ice cream bar,” he’d mumble and put it back on the shelf.

He was also extremely picky which was shocking for an adult. “I don’t like brussel sprouts,” he frowned when you read it off on the ingredients list.

“We can have some other vegetable. Green beans?”

“No.”

“Carrots?”

“No”

“Broccoli?”

He paused and thought. “Nah.”

“What do you like?”

He thinks again for a moment, leaning his tall body over the basket handle. He looks like a giant buff child after saying no to every vegetable you could think of off of the top of your head. “Bucky makes a zucchini pasta that I like.”

“Zucchini then,” you smile.

“You don’t come to the grocery store often, do you?” You ask when he comments about how many types of bacon there are.

“Nah, Sam and Bucky do the grocery shopping. I deal with the cleaning and the fixing and the house work. Target and Home Depot are more my speed,” Steve sighs and slips his hand in your back pocket while you wait for the deli man. “I’m good with my hands,” he says as he squeezes your ass and you practically jump out of your skin. He just laughs and thanks the deli man for you before tugging you away.

You weren’t sure what to expect from the home of three bachelors but it certainly wasn’t this.

“You’re sure this is your house?” You whisper as he pulls into the circular driveway.

“I’ve got two roommates with actual jobs. I’m taking full advantage of it,” Steve grins as he backs into the garage attached to an enormous mansion. You notice his bike next to another more classic one. It must be Bucky’s but otherwise the garage is empty. Steve promised Sam and Bucky would be out for the evening leaving the house to just the two of you. You were a little embarrassed by the thought of other people being in the house while the two of you…

Your face heats just thinking about it.

Steve only lets you carry his pie while he leads you into the house with the rest of the groceries. You’re a little glad he did because you’re in awe the second you step through the back door. And it just leads into the kitchen. The chef’s kitchen. With a giant fridge and freezer, a double gas stove, four ovens, and one of those countertop sinks like the Kardashians have!

You almost drop the pie.

“You need a tour,” Steve laughs as he takes his precious dessert from your hands. He links your hand with his and leads you into a dining room with floor to ceiling windows overlooking a beautiful rose garden. There’s a game room, a theater, an infinity pool. The gym even has a stripper pole.

“Why do you ever leave your house?” You question looking up at the enormous chandelier in the entry way.

“Gotta pay the mortgage somehow. I made that, by the way,” he sighs gesturing to the light fixture you were in awe of.

“No!” You hiss.

“Yup. I was going through a sculpture phase. Sam convinced me to go with it and Bucky told me to just make sure it’s functional. So, that’s what happened.”

“Wow,” you whisper walking around in a circle to get a full view of it. “It’s beautiful.”

“The whole thing is recycled plastic. All of the ‘crystals’ were 3D printed and chained together with hot glue. The rods are cut up PVC. All a facade,” he sighs leaning against the table at the center of the entry way.

“Is there a story behind it?” You ask noticing his melancholy attitude toward the piece.

“I went through a bad breakup. She was very beautiful on the outside but completely fake on the inside. Making that was how I got over it.”

“Oh,” you whisper wanting to know more but knowing better than to ask too much about exes. But there’s something you have to ask. “Do you miss her?”

He sighs as you step in front of him, the points of your flats meeting his loafers. “I think part of me always will but I think I’m worth so much more than a pretty face.”

“You are,” you smile. “If she couldn’t see that, I don’t think she really knew you.” He instantly lights back up, smiling down at you before pulling you closer. He kisses your forehead, then your nose, then the very corner of you mouth.

And then you meet his lips. Your hands travel up to his face, cupping it as you pull him that much closer. He groans into your mouth and you feel something stir in your core. Steve’s hands find the backs of your thighs and lifts you to wrap your leg around his trim hips. His lips leave yours to travel down to your jaw before he buries his face in your neck. He teeth nip at your throat and you whine his name not knowing what to do and feeling so much all at once.

“What do you want, sunshine?” Steve husks into your skin.

“You. Make me yours.” He growls. Actually growls. And your need for friction overrides your brain as you grind against his hips.

“Want that. I want all of you,” he swears, placing opened mouth kisses over your pulse and sucking the blood to the surface of your skin. “But we have to make dinner first.” You cry out softly and he chuckles before carrying you back to the kitchen. “Get to work, woman!” He laughs and spanks you softly after placing you back on you feet.

“Is this how you treat Bucky?” You laugh and start unpacking the groceries.

“I spank him harder,” Steve smirks and helps you find some cooking equipment. Cooking is fun and extremely stressful as Steve practically wraps himself around you while you attempt to pan fry two salmon fillets and roast vegetables. He doesn’t even let go when the oil in the pan starts popping.

That’s real love.

You do the same thing to him while he cleans up: standing on his feet and latching onto him like a koala. He seems to love it, stealing kisses every chance he gets.

“Alright you. Time for bed,” Steve announces after drying his hands. He puts you over his shoulder and totes you upstairs like you weigh nothing.

“This is my room,” he announces opening a set of double doors.

“Wow! I love how everything is upside down,” you giggle.

“She’s got jokes when it’s just the two of us,” he observes before dropping you on the bed. You bounce once before getting a good look around the space.

It’s sparse. White walls and leather furniture. There’s a drawing above the bed of Steve, Sam, Bucky, and Natasha. They’re all laughing and hugging and it makes you smile. “Who’s that?” You ask seeing a half finished portrait on a large canvas near the window.

“Sam’s sister. Bucky’s got a huge crush on her and he asked me to paint it for her. I’m having trouble finishing it.”

“A crush?” You laugh. It sounds so juvenile when the man is, like, thirty.

“He used to be such a lady killer now he has a break down just thinking about asking a girl out. The military changes you,” he sighs.

“How did it change you?” You wonder.

“I used to be 5’7” and 110 pounds soaking wet.” You give the giant man a dubious look. He just tugs out his phone and scrolls for a moment before showing you a photo. “Used to stand on a fucking box to reach Bucky’s height.”

“Did they experiment on you or something?” You guess taking his phone to enlarge the picture of him in an enormous suit and Bucky in his army greens.

“What do you think they do in the military?” Steve laughs and swipes through some picture for you. “I just hit puberty late and basic training did the rest.”

“Wow,” you breathe watching the progress photos. “I need to join the army.”

“Nah, you’re perfect,” Steve quickly denies, pressing a kiss to your temple.

You just give him a coy look and stand up to inspect the painting more closely. He really is an amazing artist. “Why can’t you finish it?”

“My inspiration is focused on something else,” Steve mutters and picks up a sketch book on his bed side table. He opens it to a marked page and hands it to you.

It’s the selfie he took with you at hero training. But it’s not? “You drew this, huh? It’s amazing,” you sigh in awe.

“You like it?”

“I love it,” you grin.

“Then you wouldn’t mind if I made it…bigger?”

“No, of course not.” He inhales sharply before opening a door and pulling out another large canvas.

“Don’t get mad.” He prefaces before showing you the art on the other side.

You gasp. It’s the drawing blown up and painted in neon colors. “That’s me?”

“Yeah,” he says tentatively.

“You made me blue like an Avatar! I love it!” You cry happily.

“You really like it?” Steve asks sheepishly.

“Stevie! I love it! It’s amazing! How did you pick the colors? It’s like it’s normal if you don’t think too hard about it.”

“I made a personalized color wheel every regular color corresponds to neon color so the theory still makes since. It’s like a negative but I picked my own opposite colors.” He excitedly explains all the details in depth to you and you just can’t believe someone would take the time to draw you let alone make up a color theory revolving around you. No one’s ever…cared that much.

You stand on your toes to press a kiss to his lips, stopping any further words. When you pull away, all you whisper is a soft “thank you”.

“You’re welcome,” Steve exhales.

You both stare at each other for a moment and that feeling in your core starts to go haywire again.

Steve turns to lean the painting against the wall before spinning back on you. “Can I just…?” He presses a kiss to your lips without even finishing his question. Whatever it was, you would’ve said yes. You tangle your fingers in the short hairs at the nape of his neck. So soft and fluffy and “eek!” You trill as he lifts you by the backs of your thighs.

“Want you in my bed,” he mutters without ever breaking the kiss. You just nod, a soft whine escaping you when one of his big hands gropes your ass.

You suddenly feel your back meet the plush duvet and it all feels so real. The way his hand travels up your skirt and feel of his jeans rubbing against the insides of your thighs.

It’s a little too much.

“Wait!” You cry, breaking away from him.

He immediately stops And pulls away from you. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing! I-I just…can I use your restroom?”

“Of course, sunshine,” he smiles and points to a closed do before rolling off of you.

You sprint towards the door and double back to grab your duffel bag before closing it firmly behind you. You don’t even turn on the light. You’re too nervous.

You hold your face squeezing your cheeks between your palms to try to calm yourself. It’s okay. You’re okay. It’s Steve. It’s just Steve. The man you’ve grown to love and trust.

He won’t hurt you.

All of the apprehension is in your head.

You heard him. He thinks you’re perfect. He’s perfect. You just need to make it through this first time.

You take a deep breath and rifle through the clothes you brought before finding the bright yellow garment.

You can do this.

You had so much confidence when you bought it but putting it on for the man you bought it for is the true test of strength.

You return to the room to find Steve lounging across his bed. His face instantly lights up when he sees you attempting to hide behind your bag.

“My sunshine girl!” He grins and beckons you back to the bed. “Don’t try to hide that gorgeous body from me. Come here.” You take a shaky breath and put down your bag before approaching the bed. “Beautiful,” he sighs getting an unobstructed view of your body wrapped in a strappy yellow lingerie set you got for him. He takes your hand and makes you twirl for him. “I’ve got to see you on a pole. Come on.” He’s off the bed in an instant and tugging you toward the door.

“What? Where…?” You gape attempting to slow him down.

“The gym,” he laughs and pulls you again.

“Oh no! I’m not leaving this room in this.”

“There’s no one here. Come on.” You let out a soft whimper but you follow him anyway. “Here.” He tugs off his shirt and hands it to you knowing you’re uncomfortable with the idea. It’s still so warm as you slip in on and follow a little more confidently.

Steve takes an experimental spin on the pole before holding out an arm for you. You happily fall into his embrace and his kiss.

His very shirtless embrace.

You place a hand on his toned stomach. So many muscles. You let out a satisfied hum as your hand roams up to his large pec. He let out a growl and nips at your bottom lip.

A feeling flutters through your stomach and heads straight for your core.

Steve grips your hand and presses a kiss to your palm. “Show me your moves, sunshine.” Steve places your hand on the pole below his.

“Right now?” You laugh nervously.

“Yup. Right now,” he grins and steps away from you to take a seat on one of the benches. “The t-shirt really makes it.” You giggle and toy with the hem of his shirt before gripping the pole a little more confidently.

“What are you dancing to?” He asks tugging his phone from his pocket.

“You pick,” you smile and do an experimental twirl for him.

“You don’t even need music,” Steve chuckles and plays some surprisingly soft big band music. You weren’t expecting this.

You hum softly as you contemplate the song before doing one of the five moves you know.

“Perfect,” Steve cheers as you successfully spin down the pole hanging on by just your legs. “You know, it helps if you have more skin contact.” You roll your eyes and finally remove Steve’s shirt. “Fucking beautiful,” he sighs as you continue your dance.

“You really think so?” You ask making a jump at the pole.

“I know so,” Steve sighs and stands to join you. “Come here.” He pulls you into a kiss, his hand holding you by the bare small of your back. You feel it slowly inch up but you’re so lost in his lips and body that you don’t notice him unhook your bra until you feel the material loosen around your chest. You let out a soft gasp and attempt to catch it but Steve grips one of your hands. “I want to see you. All of you.” You stare back into his deep blue eyes before finally giving him a small nod. The bra falls to the floor and his hand runs up your side, his thumb tracing the crease of your breast making you shutter. “Can I touch you here?” You quickly nod again wanting for more of that feeling but he grips your chin and directs your gaze back to his. “Can I hear you say it?”

“Yes, please, Stevie,” you whisper.

“Please what?” He smirks still holding your face and caressing the skin just shy of your nipple so you can barely think.

“Please, touch me!” You finally whine. “My breast. My ass. Everywhere. Please!”

“Yes, ma’am,” Steve grins and finally connects with your pebbled nipple making you moan his name. “I love when you say my name like that,” he groans and bites your bottom lip.

“Stevie,” you whine in response, wiggling against his roaming touch.

Then one long strong finger slips just between your clothed folds and you practically crumple at the feeling.

“Like that?”

“Mmmhmm,” you moan squeezing your eyes shut as he adds a little more pressure to your clit.

“You know what I’m gonna ask,” Steve goads as that sinful finger makes a lazy circle around the bundle of nerves.

“Please, play with my pussy. It yours. All yours,” you husk leaning back against the hard metal pole to support yourself.

“Such a fast learner,” Steve chuckles but removed his hand from your core. “I’m gonna make you feel so good. I just need you to trust me.”

“I trust you,” you agree instantly.

“Such a good girl,” he sighs and hooks his fingers into the band of your panties to shimmy them down your thighs and to the floor. “Such a beautiful, perfect girl,” he mutters as his kisses trail lower to you neck and collar bone. He nips at the thin flesh there making you shutter before sucking one of your nipples into his mouth.

“Steve! Please! Ohhhh!” You cry as he swirls his tongue around the sensitive flesh. You hips make waves against nothing as you grip his shoulder and the pole behind you.

“Do you need some attention down here?” Steve asks running his fingers along your folds. You nod still unable to open your eyes. “Look at me,” he orders and you reluctantly focus on him. He’s on his knees now in front of you, his beautiful face level with your chest as you watch him. You caress his cheek and he turns to press a kiss into your palm.

“Let me make you feel good.” You nod and he lifts one of your thighs just to toss it over his shoulders and dive face first into your pussy. You almost scream at the feeling. He skillful tongue makes loops around your clit and you’re forced to grip his hair for balance. His fingers squeeze into your ass, forcing you closer as his mouth delves deeper into your folds.

Steve’s nose bumps your clit as his tongue wiggles into you and your knees give out completely.

But he’s so strong. He just holds you there. And oh god! You just hump against his face as he pulls something out of you that your vibrator never could. You let out a soft whine as your climax hits and practically smoother him in your core but he keeps going and you feel it getting higher and faster and tighter and-

“Eeek!” You scream as squirt right into his waiting mouth. Your breaths are shallow as you ride out your orgasm on his face, his tongue keeping pressure on your clit until you’ve had enough.

You’re mortified. You’re body’s never done that before. You slowly release the death grip you have on Steve’s scalp only to find him grinning up a you.

“Fuck. I’ve never gotten anyone to do that before,” he chuckles and presses kisses to you mound and hips.

“What?” You try to process what just happened while he showers you in affection.

“You just came, sunshine. And it was glorious.”

You can’t help but laugh at his words. “You okay? Did I hurt you?”

You shake your head quickly as Steve stands back up showing off his soaked face. “That’s all me, huh?” You ask, running your fingers over his wet chin.

“All you. And you taste amazing.” Your face heats but you don’t have time to feel embarrassed as Steve tugs you from the gym. “I can’t let your first time be on the gym floor. We gotta do this right,” he insists as leads you through the halls completely naked. But it doesn’t bother you at all in your dazed state. You just nod and let him take you where ever he wants.

Then Steve’s bedroom door clicks shut behind you and a little part of you wakes up.

It’s really about to happen.

Steve brings the hand he was just holding to his lips before placing it at the crotch of his jeans.

“You feel that, sunshine?” You gasp at how big he is. You grip his confined cock slightly and he lets out a soft hiss. “You feel what you’re doing to me?”

“So big,” you mutter.

“All for you.”

You remove your hand from his crotch and undo his jeans shakily. You look up at Steve to find him watching you intently. “It’ll fit?” You ask making him smile.

“I’ll make sure it fits,” he assures you and presses his jeans and underwear down his hips. He’s built like a god. Thick muscular thighs and a red cock that drips precum like a broken faucet once it’s exposed.

You shutter slightly but let him guide you to the bed. “Lay down,” Steve mutters, following you on top of you while pressing kisses to your lips. That’s all you can focus on. The way his lips make your stomach do somersaults and your core flutter. You completely forget how nervous you were just a few minutes ago.

He makes you feel so comfortable as his hand strokes your arm and hip softly.

“I’ve been told that it stings a little your first time,” Steve mutters, pulling away a little to watch you. “I obviously don’t have much experience with that but I don’t want to hurt you,” he trails.

“You’ve been perfect so far,” you assure the blond, pressing your body up to kiss him. “I trust you.”

He nods and presses one of your thighs to your chest. He takes in a shaky breath. “God, this pussy is fucking beautiful. Do I need a condom?”

You shake your head with a small smile. “IUD.”

“Last chance to say no.”

“Stevie. Please, fuck me,” you beg just wanting to get past the pain and trusting he’ll bring you pleasure.

“Alright. Okay. Deep breath.” You nod and inhale just for him to press into you as you start to exhale. You let out a soft cry as he slowly fills you.

This was something you’ve never experienced before. You felt so full and tight and then it got to the point where it burned. You hiss as Steve pulls you a little tighter to him.

“Relax. You’re squeezing the shit out of me.” Steve instructs and you attempt to take a deep breath.

You gasp as he rocks into you, inserting just a little more at a time. “Almost there,” he mutters. “You’re doing so good for me, sunshine.” You feel so full as he finally bottoms out leaving you whimpering into his neck.

Steve pauses deep inside of you, letting you adjust to his girth.

He’s so heavy.

Your breaths come out shakily as he pulls away. “You okay? Did I hurt you?”

“N-No,” you whisper. “You’re just really…really big.”

He chuckles at your words. “I’ll take that as a compliment. Let me know when I can move.” Steve presses his lips against your temple before trailing them down to your jaw. You smile at the affection and attention, preening as he whispers sweet nothings into your neck.

“You feel amazing, sunshine. Made for me.”

You whimper and wiggle under his hold not sure what you want but you feel restless now. With him deep inside you, stretched to your max, his touch and words sending butterflies around your stomach and to your core with every breath. You’re not sure how much more of this you can take.

“Stevie, I think I’m ready,” you whisper.

His voice starts with a soft hum against your skin. “You sure?” You nod and he quickly pulls away and lifts a skeptical brow at you.

You can’t even laugh, you’re so full but you still smile up at him. “Stevie, I want you to fuck me the way you’ve been threatening to since I met you. That’s an order,” you state confidently.

He grins down at you and wordlessly grips the calf of your leg folded against you, pressing into you a little further.

You’re pretty sure you’ve lost your breath.

You let out soft squeaks with each of his deep thrusts until you feel like you might pass out.

“Hey,” Steve breathes, slowing down to a soft wave. “Are you breathing?”

You gasp and laugh in embarrassment before taking a deliberate breath. “I think I forgot how to for a minute.”

Steve tosses his head back in laughter. “Did I take your breath away, sunshine?”

“Give it back, Stevie,” you demand playfully.

“Nah, I think I’ll keep it,” he grins and presses a kiss to you lips, then another, and another. Steve tosses your bent leg over his shoulder giving you much more breathing room as he goes back to fucking you.

His thrust are deliberate, like he’s searching for something; never hitting the same spot twice. You start to ask what he’s looking for until it hits you like fright train.

“Fuck!” You groan, tossing your head back into the pillows.

“Yeah, there it is,” Steve breathes. Your eyes squeeze shut as everything sparks in your body at once.

Your vibrator has never done this. You can’t help but whine as he rails into that spot over and over.

“That’s it, sweet girl. Squeezing the shit out of me,” Steve moans as he grips your thigh. You can barely feel it. Every nerve ending is firing on all cylinders. You start to feel like you can’t catch your breath but your lungs are completely full.

“Steve, Steve, Steve,” you cry repeatedly.

“Let go for me. Fuck,” he groans. “Come on!” He barks and you almost cum on sight. Your breath hitches as stars light the darkness behind your eye lids. You feel like you’re gasping for air as you body wracks against Steve’s. Somewhere you start to feel kisses against your neck and jaw as you catch your breath. Your fingers trace the back of Steve’s shoulders as you start to return his kisses. “There you are,” you can hear the smile in his voice as you slowly open your eyes to meet his ocean gaze. “You okay?” You nod. You think all you can do is nod. He strokes your cheek and starts to pull out of you.

“Was that it?” You ask a little disappointed that it’s over.

“You aren’t satisfied with that?” Steve smiles stroking at your now empty but so sensitive core.

“I-I am! That felt amazing! But I thought it would be…longer?” You question, not exactly sure what you wanted it to be. It was good, really good! But it didn’t seem finished.

“I’m glad you’re enjoying it so far,” Steve laughs and leans back on his heels to watch your prone form. “But I’m not done with you. Turn over,” he commands. You quickly scramble onto your stomach and wait for further instructions. Steve just chuckles behind you. “I didn’t think you were that green. On your hands and knees.”

“Oh,” you squeak and quickly follow directions.

“God, this ass,” Steve groans as he spanks you softly before squeezing the fatty flesh with both hands. “I’m gonna get a little rougher with you, alright. You let me know if you need a breather.”

You nod before remembering yourself and give and affirming “okay”.

Steve manipulates your body, spreading your knees and pulling back your hips until he has you in a bizarre yoga position.

“Comfortable?”

“Not really,” you admit, looking at him from over your shoulder.

“You won’t care in a minute,” Steve laughs and grips your hips. “Let me know if you need a break.” You nod and he slips back inside of you and you both let out soft groans.

This feels different. This feels deeper and there’s more friction and you feel more grounded and “Ugh!” You can’t help the noises that escape you as he finds that spot again but it’s so much more intense as he drives right into it over, and over, and over.

Your breaths come in short gasps and soon your arms can’t hold you up anymore. You fall onto you elbows smoothing your face in the pillows below you. Your cries and moans are muffled while Steve sets a punishing pace inside you.

You’ve cum at least once like this but you can’t tell anymore after that. They all seem to blend in as Steve fucks you into the bed. Moisture drips down your thighs as the noises your slapping skin gets wetter.

“Fuck! You came like a faucet, baby,” Steve moans. Your core clinches at his words making him groan and spank you again. “Let’s see if you have another one in you.” Steve grips your shoulders and pulls you up so your back is flush with his chest.

“Oh fuck,” you whine. This new position just gives him more leverage as he attempts to destroy your insides.

“Yeah. That’s it,” Steve groans, pressing his lips to your throat as he tugs your head back by your braids. “Fuck, I’m close. Give me one more.” And with all that he’s doing inside you, he presses his fingers to you swollen, sensitive clit and rubs tight circles over it. You let out a hoarse scream as you cum again but Steve doesn’t stop. His fingers continue to work and his dick continues to stir you up until you let out a soft shout and you feel something so satisfying empty from your core just in time for Steve to fill you up again.

“Shit,” Steve groans as he paints your insides in hot sticky cum just as you paint his bed in your own. “Fuck,” he pants when you feel his cock jerk inside you and release a little more.

He collapses back on his heels dragging you down with him as he catches his breath. You pant as you lean back against him. You never felt so raw and vulnerable in your life.

You can’t wait to feel like this again.

Your eyes finally slide open to see the trail of drops left on Steve’s comforter from your release.

“Fuck, sunshine. Look at that masterpiece,” Steve sighs referring your cum.

“Steve,” you shy away, attempting to hide your face but you’ve already opened everything to him. What was the sense in hiding now?

Steve presses a kiss to your cheeks as his hands wrap around your waist. He holds you so close and you feel so good in his arms, you start to relax and instantly feel his cum start to drip from you and onto him and the bed.

“I’m definitely going to have to wash this,” Steve laughs. “Totally worth it.”

You smile and look back to press a kiss to his lips, tangling your fingers behind his head to pull him closer.

“I love you,” you whisper softly against his lips.

“It was that good?” Steve asks with a soft smile as his fingers tickle your sides.

“It was that good,” you confirm confidently.

Steve hums in satisfaction and presses another kiss to your lips. “I love you,” he sighs into your skin making you shiver.

Steve lets out a soft groan as he slips from inside you making you whine softly from the loss. “How are you feeling?” He asks, rubbing your shoulders. “Satisfied? Was that enough? If not, give me a couple minutes and we can do it again,” he grins making you giggle.

“I don’t think I can take anymore,” you whisper. “Am I supposed to be this sore?”

“Again, I don’t have any experience on your end of it but I think so.” He finds a dry spot on the bed to lay down and watch you still sitting back in the position he left you in. “God, you’re gorgeous,” he sighs. You just shake your head and glance over his naked body.

“You’re gorgeous,” you admit looking at all those muscles as he lounges across his bed.

He just smirks at you a reaches for your hand. He pulls you to him and you pick around the wet spots to lay against his chest.

“So, you’re not a virgin anymore. How’s it feel?”

You giggle, snuggling into his side before answering. “Um…I feel the same?”

“You’re telling me virginity is a social construct meant to keep women from exploring their sexuality?” He gasps making you giggle again.

“I guess so,” you agree, your fingers tracing shapes around his abs.

“Thank you for sharing your first time with me,” Steve sighs.

“Thank you for being an amazing partner,” you smile.

“Next time, you’re on top,” Steve declares and moves to get up.

“Where are you going?”

“Gotta clean my girl up. Unless you want my dried cum all over you. I’m not complaining. Make sure everyone knows you’re mine.”

“Oh,” you squeak at his sudden possessiveness.

“Too much?” He smiles pressing a kiss to your head.

“No, I like it,” you whisper and lay back against the pillows.

“So, I can keep you locked up here? You can be my little sex prisoner?” Steve jokes as he walks off.

“Depends,” you muse and stretch only to curl back into the pillows.

“On what, my little sunshine?” Steve asks returning with a damp towel. “Open up,” he requests pointing at your legs.

You wince slightly at his touch. You didn’t realize how raw you truly felt. He glances up at you after tossing the towel on the floor to focus in you. You give him a coy smile. “Depends on if you’ll strip for me.”

“Oh, honey. Name the time and place,” Steve coos nuzzling his nose against your as you pull him into an embrace. “On one condition: you’ll strip with me.” Your eyes widen and you quickly shake your head which he counters with an adamant nod. “It’ll be so much fun! Couples routine! I’ll have my choreographer make us something.”

“Steve! I can’t-no!”

“Yes! What was all that about trusting me? It doesn’t have to be for a paying crowd. It can be just for us,” he mutters against your lips. “It would be so hot.”

“It can be just for us?”

He nods, kissing your nose. “Just for us. And maybe Nat. And Sam and Bucky have to see it of course. And my choreographer, of course. And Carol! She’s trying to replace me and I need to assert my dominance.”

You giggle at his enthusiasm. “Stevie, no one can replace you. But this is starting to sound like a lot of people…”

“Sunshine, you haven’t met Carol. She’s blond, she’s tall, she was in the air force. Her stage name is Captain Marvel. She’s coming for my entire brand! And I want to show you off. I want people to know you’re mine,” he trails.

You watch him for a moment and try to look at it from his perspective. Dancing was a huge part of his life. He wanted you to be part of your life.

You think you can put your insecurities aside for one evening. For him.

You take a deep breath and nod. “Okay.”

“Really?” Steve grins excitedly.

“Yeah! Really,” you giggle. “Let’s do it. Show Carol there’s only one Captain America.”

Steve presses a deep kiss against your lips. “I love you so fucking much.”

“I love you, too.”

Part II | Master List

[sea-salted-wolverine]

I have a handful of really disseparate thoughts that I swear to God are all connected and I'm having a really hard time articulating what I want to say about it. But here's the list if I ever get around to making sense.

Internet cringe poisoning

Regional dialect

Oral folklore and old people wisdom

Citizen science with respect to ecology

Climate change and weather/climate memory

Tangentially related: community bonds in rural communities are a whole other beast because if I made that lil old dude form the woods zucchini bread he would 100% look the other way if I had to hide a body if not get rid of it for me.

[gemsofgreece]

I just saw your rare local dishes post! another few from the island of Kastellorizo: Katoumari (Κατουμαρι), Strava (Στραβά) and Kastellorizian halva! and from Crete: Gastrin and Boureki, although boureki isn’t all that rare on the island i’ve never seen anyone not from there eat it, make it or know of it.

They sound great! Thank you for bringing them up.

So, Katoumari is a sweet pie pastry with very simple ingredients. I sense this one is ideal for people loving baked goods for the pastry rather than the filling (i.e my mum). It gets its sweetness from sugar and cinnamon.

Stravá are fried syrup sweets. They can be fried either in butter or olive oil and the latter version is also the traditional delicacy of the Lent in the island. They are filled with walnuts.

I didn't know Kastellorizo has its own type of halva! Its halva is also called "Nifis halvas", which means "the Bride's halva",

Gastrin is a local dessert documented since the antiquity of Crete island. Archestratus and Athenaeus mention it in the 4th and 2nd century BC respectively. Athenaeus decribes that it was a pie made with walnuts, hazelnuts, almonds, poppy seeds, sesame and honey. He also commented how the dessert gets a dark colour from the poppy seeds. Recipes for Gastrin were found even in household cookbooks of the 20th century. [Source]

While variations of the word boureki are used throughout the Northeast Mediterranean for many types of pies, the Cretan boureki is its own thing. It's made with a lot of potatoes and zucchini and loads of the Cretan myzithra.

[ineffectualdemon]

Also I know I'm marrying Abigail but so far the only person in this town I respect is Gus because he doesn't want anyone in his community to go hungry and he gave Linus Zucchini Fritters because he is a GOOD MAN

[hetalia-club]

I’m going to vent some more about my ex because it’s good therapy lol

Feel free to keep scrolling.

Lol so remember my terrible abusive ex I broke up with last month that I vented on here about? Two years ago I made a reddit post on AITH because we got into this argument about eating thanksgiving at each others families houses and how he would get mad at me when I wouldn't eat a huge meal at his family's house but then he didn't eat at my families house (Which is honestly such a shame because my family's food is gas) and I also make some of the food at our thanksgiving so by the time I would get there to eat I wouldn't be hungry because I had just been guilted into eating a full plate an hour before.

I deleted the post because it blew up like crazy and everyone was calling him controlling and abusive and I was thinking "that seems a little much for a thanksgiving argument" I was getting a bunch of DMs of people telling me I needed to dump him and that if I needed help I could go to a clinic and I was just like "Tf are these people talking about!? This was just an argument about thanksgiving food…" I just think it's funny the answers were right there in front of me of thousands of strangers telling me I was in an abusive relationship and I ignored it. You truly don't know what it's like to be in a relationship like that until you're in one. You will convince yourself everything is fine and that everyone else is crazy for thinking that he's crazy. Just look at some of these comments lol

this is just a few of them. I remembered this post and decided to go back and re-read the comments after recognizing that he was abusive. I remember defending him so hard in my DMs being like “no you don’t understand you got him all wrong” turns out they had him all right lol and I was the delusional one. I’ve been doing along of self reflection and what not lately I’ve been trying to ever who I was before we got together because I feel like I was a different person. Less of a people pleaser, less emotional, less worried about what others think of me. I’m having to re-write my brain chemistry I feel. I still have to stop myself because I will ask myself “does ‘ex’ like when I do this?” And I have to remind myself it doesn’t matter what he likes anymore.

When we lived together he would insist i did all the cooking which is fine because I’m good at cooking. But the thing is I can actually only cook Italian American food, the reason for that is because it’s my favorite food and it’s all I ever want to eat. So it’s the only thing I make that’s any good. Because you know… it’s what i like so it’s what I make. Well about 2 years into our relationship he decides he’s going on a no carb diet. Which was an issue because I am on an all carb diet lol… I made food as normal for awhile and then one day he just went absolutely ballistic because he said I was abusing him because I wasn’t respecting his diet because I kept making pasta, which I wasn’t making pasta every day obviously… I didn’t make Italian every day but at least 2 times a week. but on this particular day I had made some kind of pasta but I had made him zucchini noodles, I even went out and bought a little thing to shred them with that day. It was probaly chicken parm because I eat that at least once a week. I once went three weeks with eating chicken parm every day and it was heaven . But apparently he didn’t like them and instead of being rational and just saying he didn’t like them he decided to have a toddler level fit because he didn’t what what I made. I was just like “okay then don’t eat it l…” he proceeded to not speak to me for three days and he even shoulder checked me in the hall way when he walked past me and it had me seeing red. So ever since then when I would make pasta I would make him a separate dinner which was so annoying. Because like he’s a grown fucking man… I shouldn’t have to make him a separate dinner it’s not my fault he decided to go on a no carb diet for no reason probably just to try and get me to stop making pasta which he never really liked (this was huge red flag and I should have known it would never work) he should have to deal with that himself I’m not his mom or his wife so i shouldn’t have just been like “okay learn how to cook then man child” but I’m too nice of a person and the guilt would have made me lose sleep. Because he would have just eaten cheese and lunch meat like a dumb ass because if I didn’t cook for him that’s what he would eat because he was an ACTUAL man child and couldn’t cook anything but scrambled eggs even then he wouldn’t use grease or butter so they would just fuse with the pan and I had to scrub it off because he would just put it in the dishwasher as if that was going to do anything.

One time I had made like a vegan butternut squash soup because he likes butternut squash, I don’t I think it’s gnarly. I even whipped out an emulsion blender for it, real fancy like. Well he decided he wanted chicken with it for some unknown reason even though HE requested it for dinner so he knew no meat was involved. so he decided to throw a frozen chicken tender into a pan and he cooked it until it was trawled and that shit was like not even close to cooked and he was going to eat it so I had to stop eating, get up and recook his chicken because he would have given himself food poisoning. I didn’t even get so much of a thank you for possible saving his stupid life and he just ate it and left the pan with burnt bits for me to scrub because he again didn’t oil the pan so the chicken stuck to it and burnt onto the pan.

You may read this and think “omg how do you not realize this is abuse” well that’s because that was just how I lived for 5 years. It had gotten normal I understood how he was and he always told me “this is just how I am” so I figured “who would I be to change him if that’s his personality?” Now I do truly believe that is his real personality and he’ll never change. Mostly because when we broke up he straight told me “this is how I am I’m not changing for you or anyone” like it was something to be proud of. He truly believes the break up is something that can be reversed. I’m not sure if he even thinks we’re still broken up if that makes sense. He texted me as asked me if I wanted to go out to diner and I was like “lol no?” And he was like “I miss you though don’t you miss me?” And I was like “lol…no?” Like what is there to miss my guy? Like of course you miss me I did everything for you. I knew the second he realized “oh shit now I have to clean and cook?” he would want me back. I called it. I knew it was coming. It was a lot sooner than I expected tbh though…

[papayajuan2019]

always fun to be reminded of how childish my mom is, in all sorts of respects. i made sauteed veggies last and she refused to eat any if the veggies except one type (zucchini). she made that disgusted picky eater face when i handed her the plate. we had to pick it out for her. i love her dearly. it's good to have the reminder that i wasnt raised by someone completely mature, theres a reason i turned out this way

[klm-zoflorr]

The Marleyans part 8: Los Angeles, The Making-Off

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha: I'm cold

Connie: Here have my jacket

Historia: I'm cold too

Ymir: What? [taking off jacket] I told you to bring more layers but of course you didn’t listen and now- [piling blankets on her] now look, I’ve got to make sure you don’t FREEZE to death and [taking Mikasa's scarf] how long have you been cold? You should’ve said something sooner.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Armin: I'm cold

Annie: Well what the heck do you want me to do? I don't control the goddam weather!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner, looking at Bertholt: Hey, I'm cold t-

Bertholt : Look we both know we forgot our jackets at camp, don't even try.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mikasa: *scooting up on the same bench as Eren and cuddling against him* I'm cold too, Eren

Eren: Don't worry about it *goes to collect some wood, starts a bonfire and then finally sits down, on another bench than Mikasa*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hange: I'm cold.

Levi: And what do you want me to do? Set you on fire?

Hange: Ye-

Levi: Nevermind. Forget I said anything.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Levi: What do we do when something goes wrong...?

Jean: Add to cart

Reiner: Cry

Gabi: Mood

Pieck: F in the chat

Armin: Not again!

Historia: Text my ex

Mikasa: Cut my hair

Connie: Shots!!

Falco: Thank you

Hange: Hoes mad

Annie: It's my horoscope

Commander Magath: Bottle it up

Zeke: Leave the country

Eren: Fistfight God

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: I love the phrase "with all due respect", because it doesn't specify how much respect is actually due. Could be none. Bitch.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Marcel: Hey, it's your turn to wash the dishes.

Porco: I'LL WASH THE WALLS RED WITH YOUR BLOOD.

Marcel: 'Kay, but before that, wash the dishes, also use soap this time?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia, struggling to keep upright in her 1 inch heels: Yeah, I-I don’t really think heels are for me

Mikasa, pointing at her and walking flawlessly in sparkly golden 6 inch heels while carrying Eren with her other arm: WEAK.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated.

Zeke, holding a magnifying glass: Scientifically experimented on without consent and disposed off as soon as I am no longer useful.

Pieck: No.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*The squad is having dinner together*

Historia: Mikasa, can you pass the salt?

Mikasa: *Throws Levi across the table*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mikasa: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!

Eren: Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

Mikasa: I’m leaving you, and I’M TAKING ARMIN WITH ME

Levi, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Commander Magath: Tonight, one of you will betray us.

Gabi: Is it me, Commander?

Commander Magath: No, it’s not you.

Annie: Is it me, Commander?

Commander Magath: It’s not you either.

Zeke: Is it me, Commander?

Commander Magath:

Commander Magath, mockingly: Is IT mE cOmmAndEr?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Commander Magath: Can I be frank with you guys?

Gabi: Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.

Zofia: Can I still be Zofia?

Falco: Shh, let Commander Frank speak.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Falco: SaSa LeLe

Reiner: It's Sale Sale

Gabi: 50% off + 50% off, it means it's 100% off, everything is free

Annie: You moron, 50% of 50% is 25% off

Commander Magath: Could you all PLEASE focus and not get distracted by a shop with a sign? Where's the guy we're tailing?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Annie, laying on her bed: I've heard people say my name twice today, it's either ghosts or hallucinations

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner, from behind the door: It's me outside. Do you want some muffins?

Annie: What kind?

Reiner: Zucchini, but it tastes like banana nut

Banannie: Bananas can nut?

Reiner: You know what? I'll keep my muffins.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck : Why does basil smell so fucking amazing?!

Zeke: Watch out for the brain scorpions though

Falco: It's the basil

Gabi: Yeah, can confirm, it's the basil that does it.

Pieck: Good points

Pieck: Wait what was that first thing?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: *Holding a picture of Pieck* Have you seen this woman?

Hange: No, why? Is she missing?

Zeke: She's on vacation and I miss her

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha, fighting Gabi: You know, out of all the children I've ever had fights to the death with, this is the weirdest one

Reiner: Dammit, Gabi, I told you the cat ears weren't hype anymore!

Sasha: These baddies getting weirder and weirder

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mr. Leonhart: Annie's at that very special age where a girl has only one thing on her mind

Commander Magath: Boys?

Annie: Homicide.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Moblit: Pro-tip: Keep a bunch of wrapped, empty boxes under the christmas tree. When a child misbehaves, throw one in the fireplace.

Hange: ...

Hange: What do I do when I run out of children?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck: *sticking a paper that reads "naughty and disobedient children DO NOT FEED" on Falco and Gabi*

Zeke: If those kids could read they'd be very upset

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: *points at his shirt that reads "i rely on pharmaceutical drugs to perform routine tasks"*

Reiner: *turns around, showing the back that reads "and then i don't do them"*

Porco: Oh, is it "cry for help" time yet?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: What should I get from ihop?

Bertholt: Pancake mix

Annie: Sucked off

Porco: Killed

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: I really want to kiss you

Pieck: What?

Zeke: i SAID if you died i wouldn't miss you

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: Oh come on Armin, I wasn't that drunk

Armin: Eren, you tried to color my face with a highlighter because you said I was important

Eren, tearing up: But you are

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Falco, lowering his voice in an intimidating manner: Don't talk down to me!

Colt: Well, I can hardly talk up to you. You're too short.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Porco: *finishing remplacing Reiner's condiments with toothpaste* Don't tell Reiner about this?

Gabi: You want me to lie to Reiner?

Porco: Is that a problem?

Gabi: No.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha: I have a bad feeling about this

Gabi: What do you mean?

Sasha: Don't you ever get that little voice in your head that tells you if something is going to get you in trouble?

Gabi: No?

Sasha: That... Explains so much actually

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi, bleeding out: Call me an ambulance.

Falco, leaning over her, panicking: You're an ambulance??!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: Okay, okay, uh, you're losing a lot of blood, what's your type?

Gabi: Oh anything really but nerds especially

Reiner: YOUR BLOOD TYPE

Gabi: *looks down* Uh. Red?

Falco: B positive

Reiner: LOOK I'M TRYING BUT SHE'S LITERALLY ABOUT TO DIE

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi: *waking up in an unfamiliar bed* I love sleepovers

Porco: This isn't a sleepover, you're in the hospital

Gabi: Then why am I wearing this nightgown?

Porco: This is an hospital gown?

Gabi: Truth or dare?

Porco:

Porco: ...Dare

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi: What happened?

Pieck: You were shot. Do you remember anything?

Gabi: Only the ambulance ride to the hospital.

Falco: We didn't ride the ambulance

Gabi: Really? Then what was that loud siren?

Reiner: I was panicking, okay!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi: Don't worry, I'll be fine.

Reiner: Well you still were shot!!

Gabi: I've been shot before.

Reiner: It's not like you build up an immunity to bullets!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: You got three eggs

Annie: Yes

Reiner: I'll give you a cookie for them

Annie: Mmh. How good is the cookie?

Reiner: Well I don't know. I need the eggs to make the cookie

Annie: So you tricking me?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke, to Eren: I'm trying to figure out a way to get rid of you so I can go commit atrocities

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: Why is there always a law against everything I wanna do?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck: Hey Zeke, you know Marcel's throwing a party on the night of the new railroad inauguration

Zeke: Yeah, I've been arguing with Porco about this.

Pieck: Oh, he wants to go to the inauguration?

Zeke: No! Why would he want to-

Pieck: Oh sorry, YOU want to go to the inauguration?

Zeke: No! We've been arguing over who gets to go to Marcel's party with you

Pieck: Can't the three of us just go together?

Zeke: ... Good point

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Commander Magath: *squishes Gabi's face between two slices of bread* And what are you?

Gabi: An idiot sandwich :(

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: I'm definitely the disappointment of the family but also the hottest so i can see why i got them pressed

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ymir: I'm allergic to color.

Historia: Sounds like a "hue" problem

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: We’ve got to find a way to cut down on expenses inside those walls. What can we live without?

Levi: Probably Eren Yaeger

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Armin: Flirt back goddamit

Annie: HOW

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: They're called leggings because u put ur le

Historia: U put ur leg

Historia: They're called leggings because

Connie: Take your time

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: If only I were kpop. Then you'd all see.

Colt: You're already popular and widely hated. What more do you want??

Zeke: Thanks for saying that

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia, crouched down in front of her plants, examining insect bites on the leaves: I’m going to kill whoever did this. I’m going to kill them for you. Don’t worry babies. I’m going to murder every single contemptible degenerate that ever got a mouthful of you. They’ll die screaming

Ymir, walking out of the house: Oh! Okay. You’re talking to the plants. Okay-

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Jean: Why did you go to sleep so late?

Mikasa, looking into the distance: There is no rest for the wicked

Jean:

Mikasa:

Historia: Cat videos. She stayed up to watch cat videos.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: Could you be any more annoying... Lol

Sasha: Easily.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: I love it when you're drinking pineapple drinks and you can't feel your tongue and your entire face starts sweating, it's so cleansing.

Porco: Sounds like you're allergic to pineapples.

Gabi: Pineapples are supposed to taste like that.

Porco: Pretty sure you're allergic too.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

King Fritz: Bro stop chanting in dead languages you're scaring the hoes

Ymir Fritz: I'm summoning the hoes fool

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Annie: Long time no see, Galliard. I missed you.

Porco: I missed you too

*Both reload their pistols*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: I've got a nice little word exercise for you: GET TO THE FUCKING POINT.

Sasha: Tempting, but have you considered this little affirmation; No?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner:

Gabi to the McDonalds employee: He asked for no pickles!! Takes the pickles off or I'll make jello out of all your bones!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Ymir: I went to gay loser land and they said you're like a god to them

Reiner: Why did you go there?

Ymir: Anthropology

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: Hello, people who do not live here!

Pieck: Hi!

Porco: Hello!

Reiner: I gave you a key for emergencies

Pieck: We were out of doritos

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck: You know where I want to kiss you??

Zeke: On the lips?

Pieck: No.

Zeke: Neck?

Pieck: No.

Zeke: ██ █████🔞█████?

Pieck: No.

Zeke: Then where?

Pieck: In front of all our friends and family when we both say "I do"

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: Wait, is Captain Levi sleeping or dead?

Jean: Hopefully dead, I hated his guts.

Eren: Yeah, so did I.

Levi: Okay first of all, fuck you two-

Eren and Jean:

𓀥    𓁆 𓀕

𓁆 𓀟   𓀣 𓁀

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*Hange is cooking*

Levi: That's... An unusual sight. Since when do you cook?

Hange: This is for Erwin. I’m planning on making some bad choices tonight, and I need him on my side.

Levi: I never quite realized the forethought that went into being a disappointment.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*Right before the battle of Liberio*

Sasha: So you remember the plan if I ever get hurt during this battle, right?

Connie: Of course.

Sasha: Tell me.

Connie: In the case of you ever being shot, as you fall to the ground, I am to sing, "MMMM WHATCHA SAY" no matter the circumstances.

Sasha: Good.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hange: So, guy's old lady comes home, okay, finds him laid cold on the ground with half his head missing

Mikasa: Well, that sounds like there's a titan on the loose.

Hange: Maybe.

Mikasa: So, how does that make this our kind of thing?

Hange: Because, Mikasa, Eren's in the wind, okay, you're sulking around like a ennuch in a whorehouse, and I can't help but ask myself, when is decapitation not my thing?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: rats are like... the rats of the world

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Annie: Gee, Zeke. I thought that someone with two wives would be happy.

Porco: Nah, you're thinking of someone with two knives

Gabi: *holding two knives*

Gabi: I gotta tell you, this is pretty terrific!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Zeke: I am not out of control! I'm a law abiding citizen!

Reiner: Really? Name one law

Zeke: Don't kill people?

Reiner: That's on me. I set the bar too low.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Annie: In light of what you did for me, you may hug me for four to five seconds.

Historia: FORTY-FIVE SECONDS?!

Annie: NO! That's not what I-

Historia, running at her: Too late!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Gabi: *wearing a shirt that says "you are not immune to propaganda"*

Falco: *carrying a baseball bat labelled "propaganda"*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Hange: here’s a concept: me, riding your ceiling fan like a gargoyle. you, smacking me with a broom. both of us are yelling

Levi:

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Connie: "i can fix him" "i can make him worse" im at the gas station yall want anything

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Armin: Admit that you made that whole story up!

Reiner: No!

Armin: You started that fight!

Reiner: You callin’ me a liar?

Armin: No but I ain't callin’ you a truther either!

Mikasa: Armin, stop being a coward. Call him a bitch to his face.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia, throwing her head into Ymir's lap: Tell me I’m pretty.

Ymir, lovingly stroking her hair: You’re pretty annoying, that’s what you are.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Mikasa: I like my coffee the same way I like my men

Mikasa: Dark, bitter, and too hot for me

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: WHY IS THERE BLOOD EVERYWHERE?!

Zeke: I may have aggressively poked someone with a knife

Reiner: You stabbed someone??

Zeke: No, I just fucking said that I aggressively poked someone with a knife. There's a difference, Reiner!

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Sasha, giving a talk at her 367th "how to woo Historia Reiss" talk of the year: Just be yourself. Say something nice.

Ymir: Which one?! I can't do both!

Reiner: Is "I would betray my country for you" considered nice or too foward?

Eren: Try "Daaaaamn girl you looked hot when you were murdering your hideous centipede titan of a father" instead

Sasha, sternly: Eren. I don't want to do it but I'm going to ban you from the lessons if you keep that attitude going.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Eren: *getting stabbed*

Eren, walking away: This is mine now

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Historia: Wow, you really are the smartest person I know!

Mikasa: You hang out with Sasha and Connie

Mikasa: It's not as high a compliment as you think

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*Armin and Hange got kidnapped*

Hange: *Removing her handcuffs* You're lucky that I know how to get out of these.

Armin: Yeah, thank God you've been arrested enough times.

Hange: Hmm. Sure. Arrested.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Reiner: You know, when Pieck comes over, Zeke can get a little...

Annie: Psycho?

Colt: Scary?

Bertholt: Drunk?

Reiner: All three, actually

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

*At a dinner party in Historia's palace but someone has just been murdered*

Detective Historia, to Hange: You're acting pretty carefree for someone whose life has just been threatened. Who's to say you're not the murderer?

Hange: It's a murder, not a tax audit. I'll be fine.

Reiner: What about Pieck? Nobody ever suspects Pieck!

Pieck: Well what about Sasha? She has a gun!

Sasha: And Connie has a knife!

Connie: Yeah, for fun, not murder! *stabs Reiner in the arm*

*Everybody screams*

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Pieck: Okay, so I think that was pretty clear in establishing we're all wussies and none of us did it

Detective Historia, taking a puff out of her pipe: Elementary, my dear Watson

Pieck: What?

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Note that the "what should i get from the store" quote is, in fact, NOT the same one as in part 6. Neither is the gaz station one. I don't make mistakes, feeble mortals.

Find more of these here ! Also here's one of the incorrect quotes because it was particularly funny

[the-fluffiest-trainer]

[Another video is attached, picking up shortly after the previous one. Fluttershy follows Olympia into a pokecenter, and the pair go together to the shop counter in the back.]

[Olympia looks to make sure Fluttershy is still with her – she is, but has to hover in the air a little to comfortably see over the high counter – and then the gym leader speaks to the pokecenter employee.]

All of your revives. All of your hyper potions. All that you can spare.

[The employee hesitates, unsure, but one look at Olympia's serious stare settles the matter. They scramble to pull out cases from the bottom shelves behind them, and pile up what must be dozens of revives and high-strength potions on the counter.]

Will... that be all for you, ma'am? That will be, uh... oh Arceus, math is not my strong suit...

[Olympia merely takes a step back from the counter and looks to Fluttershy.]

You will need many. My sight says that you can pay? Not with normal cash.

Um. That's a lot. I'm not sure I can – oh. Oh wait, I can afford that!

[Fluttershy opens one of her saddlebags and retrieves a small pouch, which she upends on the counter to reveal a sizable pile of sparkling gemstones.]

I forgot I had these. It was just another anonymous delivery a little while back. Will this cover it?

Yes, er, that should do it. Many times over, probably.

Keep the change. We're kind of in a hurry here. Olympia, is there any other advice you can give me while I'm here?

[Olympia takes a moment to think while Fluttershy is frantically rearranging her packs to fit all the new supplies. As the pair turn away from the store counter, she seems to come up with something.]

Beware pelippers. They may give you zucchini. Bake it into bread.

Sounds like that's coming from experience. Not just me who gets the weird deliveries, huh?

I liked Gwyndolin. Maybe she'll return someday. But not for a while.

[Olympia and Fluttershy pause once outside in the street, and Olympia kneels to get more at eye level with Fluttershy.]

I can do no more. You have all you need, now fly – at the speed of mail.

[Olympia offers a hand for Fluttershy to shake, and gives a respectful nod as she stands again.]

[Video ends.]

[what-is-a-name-a-pile-of-chars]

Mother of All Omelettes: Ultimate Crowd-Feeding Version

A Recipe by ChatGPT

Ingredients

Eggs: All the eggs you can find (start with 100 and escalate as needed)

Milk or cream: Enough to make a pond (approx. 1 gallon, give or take)

Salt: A fistful, measured in chaotic pinches

Pepper: A small mountain

Butter: Yes. (At least 1 pound. Or use bacon grease for maximum absurdity.)

Fillings:

10 lbs of assorted meats (bacon, ham, sausage, smoked turkey—why not throw in some hot dogs?)

10 lbs of cheeses, the stinkier and gooier the better (Blue cheese, Gruyère, and Velveeta together? Sure!)

1 bushel of vegetables (spinach, mushrooms, peppers, broccoli, zucchini, maybe a stray carrot for chaos)

1 surprise ingredient (potato chips, marshmallows, leftover pizza, or... gummy bears?)

Optional Garnishes

Entire loaves of garlic bread, toasted

A waterfall of hot sauce

Literal sprigs of parsley (to pretend it’s sophisticated)

Instructions

Begin with Intention, Lose Control Immediately Crack all your eggs into a cauldron (or the nearest industrial-sized mixing bowl). Spill a little—it’s part of the charm. Add milk like you’re conjuring a potion and whisk until your arm is sore.

Summon the Fillings

Cook meats until they demand respect.

Sauté vegetables until they beg for mercy.

Shred cheese with the determination of someone carving a monument.

Assemble the Chaos

Heat the largest skillet, wok, or hubcap you can find. Melt butter until it threatens to take over the kitchen.

Pour in the eggs like you’re starting a flood myth. Stir occasionally but don’t get attached—it’s going to be wild.

Unleash the Fillings

Dump in the meats, cheeses, vegetables, and your surprise ingredient all at once. Stir like a mad scientist.

Attempt to Flip It

You won’t succeed. That’s fine. Instead, fold it in parts or let it splatter gloriously. Cover the pan with whatever fits—another pan, a baking sheet, or sheer willpower.

Finish in the Oven (or a Firepit)

Transfer the whole thing to the oven at 400°F (or as high as it will go without summoning firefighters). Bake until it looks like food.

Serve with Drama

Slide the omelette onto a table (or assemble everyone around the pan like it’s a medieval feast). Garnish aggressively. Provide weapons, not utensils.

[caliburn-the-sword]

more scarlet thoughts and reactions

reading chapter 14 it inexplicably occured to me that a japanese man is the emperor of the ENTIRE asian continent. fuck my lack of media literacy. yep i finally see why everyone is upset about asia being monolithic and homogenised in this series now. this makes me SO uncomfortable even knowing the context that each continent came together during peacetimes. yikes reeks of colonialism and imperialism

i'm at least a lot less mad at kai in chapter 14. practicality rather than outright disdain for cyborgs and lunars. usually i would be upset at love lost, but he's doing what he must to save his people and i can respect that as much as i'm like OH NO POOR CINDER. glad he's got his head on straight now and not being a close minded dick

please for the love of god don't tell me that the thorne and scarlet thing is one of those mate pair things but like scifi version. between him losing control at the fight and the foreshadowing in the article that scarlet read it seems highly likely. please don't do this to me i'm begging on my hands and knees don't make me go through this again. the only time it was tolerable was aurora rising

i also went back and reread thorne's intro because i was drop dead exhausted when i read it the first time around and i think that accounts for a lot of my annoyance and also not reading between the lines properly. doesn't outright hit on her or shows any REAL interest other than making a game out of it. he doesn't ACTUALLY want her and isn't a groomer. idk what's happened to me because i used to LOVE flirty characters when i was younger but now it seems no matter what i see them and just instantly dislike for whatever reason. while i don't outright h a t e thorne anymore he still kind of bothers me. whatever

safe to say i absolutely love scarlet to death right now. i feel like she didn't get as much of a save the cat moment as cinder did in her first chapter. i mean she DID in a literal sense when she gets up on the bar counter and defends cinder, but that's just being a Good Person and being a good person isn't exactly a personality trait, compared to cinder getting to be snarky in her first chapter. i think THAT is what was off to me when i read her first few chapters. but now that scarlet's personality has been able to shine i love her just as much as cinder. she's awesome and i love her

i ADORE the way marissa meyer writes women. cinder, peony, iko and ESPECIALLY scarlet are all such girls girls. i love them to death. i could go SO in depth about despite her being a bit white feminist (intersectionality problem which she fixes right up in renegades which i loved) marissa was SO good for this ESPECIALLY considering this is 2012. like some could easily write off cinder or scarlet as not like other girls but NO you are doing them a DISSERVICE and not understanding the INTRICACIES. i could write an entire essay about how much miss marissa meyer slayed when it came to representing women but this is neither the time nor the place. maybe next time.

"alpha male" STOP. immediately jail. first of all that was a myth debunked FOREVER ago. second of all, cringe. it's giving omegaverse. makes me want to put my head through a wall

omg he's a former gang member. this is literally giving wattpad mafia werewolf x reader but it's funny so i'm letting it slide

okay the interaction between iko and thorne was actually surprisingly touching. small tiny part of my stone cold heart has warmed towards him. perhaps he'll grow on me. also glad to have iko back i missed her dearly <3 the book didn't feel the same without her

oh no. scarlet has i can fix him disease. ik that she's meant to be little red riding hood but at this moment she seems more like belle teaching the beast but instead of reading it's what zucchinis are fksdhfsdkh

"Not much older than she was" STOP. okay. this is an Important Character. ding ding ding alarm bells are going off in my head for nondescript dimples guy (sidenote: yep he's from the gang)

not ANOTHER set of characters skipping quarantine lmao this is so accurate considering how covid went. since they're gonna jump the train i bet he's gonna have to hold her or something (sidenote: I WAS RIGHT MWAHAHAHAHA)

wow i don't remember any mention of michelle benoit from maybe-rapunzel. that now explains why granny's been kidnapped

of course wolf has pointy fang teeth. i can definitely see some simps going wild over that (let's just see how long it takes for me to become a simp and if so you have my full permission to make fun of me)

(after getting shot) "When you greeted me with a gun on your doorstep," he said, "it's nice to know you meant it." EVERYONE PACK UP AND GO HOME THAT WAS PEAK ROMANCE RIGHT THERE. same energy as emma pulling a knife on hook first time she met him. i'm severely delulu

(sarcastic voice) wow! scarlet is at the very least quarter lunar! didn't see that one coming at all,,,,,

it's actually hilarious how everyone is related lmao this is just like ouat. we've been hearing about tanner from book 1 and surprise surprise!! he's scarlet's gramp. not only is cinder the lost lunar princess but the evil queen is her aunt and also princess winter is her cousin. who's gonna be related next