#reminder for the days ahead
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things i have: incredible friends; a lovely home; books; pottery classes; my health; financial security; intelligence; beauty; curiosity; good taste; a car and license to drive it; scented candles; hobbies and interests; self-respect; therapy; and a deeply ingrained, inviolable self-preservation instinct.
#reminder for the days ahead#come hell or high water i'm going to get through this#i'm sick to the back teeth of having things i have to get through#but i'll do it#a blank page; a rewrite
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Second-guessing
#been overthinking all day today and needed to draw how it feels lately#a bit of a vent ahead#it’s gotten really lonely and almost alienating in a way#and the fandom seems so vastly different#and in a way I dont really feel ok in#i do take the steps to avoid anything that i don’t want to see#but it just feels like what i do is pointless#like what i draw is pointless#i know the more platonic/familial themes in my art will always be overshadowed#but its been a harsh truth ive been hit with#and it’s kind of heartbreaking#i’m forever grateful for the reminders of how my art is like a breath of fresh air#but man is it difficult to not just quit entirely#because it always falls back to: why am I doing this? what’s the point?#i’m sorry I feel like such a whiny loser when I talk about things like this#it’s all jumbled and all over the place but to put it simply it’s been super lonely#i just needed to say something before it completely boiled over#im sorry again
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putting my response to the palette challenge from oc-tober on da main blog because it accidentally became a full illustration. whoops. but this palette is like a brother to me and it fit mendel so well...what was i to do
#my art#bweirdoctober#anthro#furry#dragon#oc#mendel#i will say it took all my strength not to saturate this to hell but it's against the rules of palette challenge#and i swear i'm further ahead than this (day 19). i only have three more prompts to do and then i'm done....a week late ain't bad at all#also i like mendel with this shaggier woolly texture. maybe i will go full sheep for them. sheep dragon#also also. ty to the people who told me what my art reminds them of - i will be drawing response to that soon....got so much to do lol
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when your main characters start dating after years of writing so they finally get to be like this
#rare WIP preview from me#this is in like. 10 episodes. lmfao#its been really hard working this far ahead#my editor isnt giving me any feedback and my friends are very busy so it's felt quite lonely#which is fine! for my friends I mean. but its my editors job to give me feedback...#but the webtoon editors are extremely extremely extremely overworked and my series is set to end so I understand its low priority#its not her fault its webtoons fault. however. its still demotivating...#oh well l m a o#I should be much further ahead ngl LMFAO I want like 12 done but I come back in 2 weeks.#we'll see#when I get really stressed out I go full gamer mode#and usually I'll sink like 60 hours (like 5 days) into a game and then I'm good and move on#but this recent game that grabbed me is. its too much actually#bit uncontrollable ngl I think its an ADHD thing I mostly have just quit playing videogames at all#cause its like yeah being stressed cause theres too much work to do is not going to be helped by losing a week and a half to a game...#and yet.#anyways the game is satisfactory#my friend bought it for me and we've been playing together#and our shared file has. 100 hours on it. and we still havent beaten the game#we're close to beating it and it's not like we're rushing or anything#cause its fun to fuck around and zap eachother or whatever#but it's got me doing math. the exact kind of math I love to do. optimization#and its reminding me yeah in another life id have been an engineer#I'm glad I'm an artist but its always weird like yeah this is easily a path I could have gone down#'artists hate math' speak for yourself doing math calms me down! I love math!#I love math and I love business. I'm almost the perfect artist but I hate advertising so. we can't have it all#anyways theyre so fucking cute its sickening. I love them so much. I could cry#WIP#lineart#time and time again
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My Beloved Alice
Painted while reading Pandora Hearts manga.
#one day i woke up and reminded myself i really loved this one character from anime i watched over 10 years ago so i went ahead and read#the whole manga#Pandora Hearts#Pandora Hearts fanart#Alice#Pandora Hearts Alice#PH Alice#パンドラハーツ#artists on tumblr#pandora hearts fanart alice#Hidden Carpet#HiddenCarpet#carpet's art#2024#pandora hearts alyss#Alice in wonderland
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~ D r e a m i n g o f b u t t e r f l i e s
— Akiko Yosano & Shinobu Kocho for @angelozi 🦋
#New employment - slash - most belated birthday gift ever. May only happy days be ahead of you!!!!#akiko yosano#shinobu kocho#bsd#bungou stray dogs#kny#kimetsu no yaiba#my gifs#I don't know anything about Shinobu but her hair remind me of Akutagawa. The gradient...
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Hey guys ik that these two blogs r pretty popular with their art on motogpblr so i wanted to warn you that they both are russian


#you can do whatever you want with this info#I'm just sick of seeing ruzzians on my tl#lil reminder that no art is “apolitical” and yes that relates to motogp yaoi too#when it's drawn by russians meanwhile Ime and my family are at active risk of dying from russian bombs every day#don't think i had full night of sleep once this week bc of explosions#if someone want to unfollow/block me over this go ahead but ik that i have at least few sensible moots so I wanted to warn y'all#you can take as a rule that if russian is not actively speaking up about war =they support it#this is not a matter where you can be indifferent. their indifference kills us daily#air alarm started while I was writing this bc someone in russia decided to send missiles or drones towards my city 🥰🥰
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I need y'all to know I chose violence with this next chapter, and by violence I mean I had a rare spark of brilliance while writing the secondary outline today and it's SO GOOD I am SO excited for this next chapter fr fr
#sorry I just had to share#the idea hit me like a steel chair#you will know the scene when you read it#it is a birthday gift to myself to write it#AND i got an extension on the second draft of my lit review so I can write fic GUILT-FREE BABY#I'm not procrastinating on it I'm almost done I just needed some breathing room#thankfully we're well ahead of schedule#also reminder/psa to any minors who might be following me#I will be 23 in two days#this is your chance to unfollow me if that makes you uncomfortable#update#Confused Spirit#dca fic#fnaf dca#fnaf daycare attendant#dca fandom#x reader
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#didn't have a big party for my 30th for reasons that were partly distance and partly insecurities/depression#this year being back closer to where my people are decided to do a big party instead this weekend#my first since my 21st (which was... a struggle for also distance related reasons and may have reinforced said insecurities)#i am having to remind myself. i am doing my best none of us get to practice this life#interrupting this to say i just mindlessly slapped at a tickle on my arm only to discover it was HUGE#not the sandflies we've been getting all day but a moth or something at least a cm big! (i grabbed it and threw it away without looking)#anyway. what was i saying. having a little moment where my insecurities are coming back in the middle of the night#and i wonder if i have - again - asked for less than i truly want because i didn't feel like anyone would give the full thing to me#but the point is: i asked for something i wanted and that's something that takes practice. and the point is: i get to try again next year a#d next year and next year. and the point is: we only live this life once but it is not a short life and there will be more chances#to celebrate with the people i love. to ask for what i want. to learn to listen to what i actually want before i make myself smaller out#of habit#but i DID ask for a party and i DID ask for someone who isn't me to host it (a thing i haven't asked for since probably my 21st tbh) and#that's already growth#and it will be fun! i'm a bit sad that no one from my most recent chapter of life can be there but it's no secret that social was hard ther#so i only have 3 friends i wanted to invite anyway and all of them live several hours away#(and one of them i knew couldn't come already when i planned it - she's at a hens party - but we talked about it and decided to go ahead)#idk. really it's ok. but part of why i'm doing this is as a challenge to my own insecurities (as well as because it will be fun!) and i#really pray this year will see some of those insecurities dwindling. that i will be able to really believe that i am lovable and loved.#that's my prayer.
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I would just so much rather have an existence where my default is still the assumption that people are good. as a child abuse survivor, I don't mean that in a naive way. but I do mean that a gut reaction of cynicism and skepticism is a tool against love and community and liberation. being jaded is a tool against love and community and liberation. and at the end of the day, what else do we have but each other?
#idk y’all I think about gaza every day and wrote 300 words about a post I saw that bothered me only to pare it down to this.#which can also be said about grief and the way people are expecting me to grieve my father.#in the weeks after losing someone--and esp after losing a parent--you really get familiar with the go-to platitudes.#'i'm sure he was so proud of you' and 'his legacy lives on in you' and 'i hope your memories of him sustain you in the months ahead'.#they don't ring true for me and are instead a constant reminder of what I didn't have and so they constantly cycle me through grief.#and yet. I would so much rather that be someone's default. I want a world where it is a safe assumption that a child--#--might truly be loved by their parent and would be devastated by said parent's passing.#anyway. don't let yourself be taken advantage of. but don't harden your heart either.#nooshin’s rambling again
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Me attempting to write historical fiction: *spending hours looking for 19th century maps of Munich and Bavaria to try to figure out which would've been the roads the Wittelsbachs would've taken to travel in carriage*
New York Times Bestseller Historical Fiction Author Allison Pataki: it took Sisi weeks to travel from Possenhofen to Ischl :)
#writing this post to remind myself i shouldn't be so rigurous with details lol#still insane to me that she went ahead with WEEKS. i mean days is a forgivable mistake but weeks?? plural???#bestie ischl is at like 60 km of distance from the border with bavaria#(((also yes i'm writing something fictional. no i can't promise you it will ever see the light of day)))#((((hopefully it will but i'm also a known quitter of writing projects))))
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Finally watching the Tommy and Quackity video since I'm getting some food ready and can't look at the subtitles on Pac's stream while I'm doing that, and man :') It's nice hearing Quackity immediately say "Hey, I don't do that anymore" when Tommy tries to initiate an old sorta uncomfortable bit using "Mexican" accents (it's also nice hearing Tommy be like "yeah that felt vaguely offensive when I used to do that as a 16 year old")
#i talk#streamer talk#I don't really watch Tommy but it's nice to see that he's kinda grown up it seems#and for Quackity it's REAL nice seeing him shut that stuff down real quick#even in the past I felt bad seeing everyone joke about that#like sure Q initiated it (sometimes) and kinda made it seem like it was ok but I was always a bit :( about it#''Tommy it's been 4 years it's time to let go'' based#''I'm gonna remind you that it's been 4 years but I'm still a Mexican''#''so you wanna say sht about latinos? go ahead but I'm gonna get you in deep sht for it'' THATS MY BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY#NO MORE BS FROM THOSE OLD FANS!!! NO MORE ACCEPTANCE OF THOSE MICROAGGRESSIONS FROM THE OLD SMP DAYS#WE WONT HAVE IT!!!#it's nice seeing him stand up for himself#even as a bit you know?#I love Quackity#Feels like healing#Like that's being dramatic but man it's nice to see#Edit ''THIS GAY-ASS CAMFIRE'' QUACKITY???
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It is now Kaneki Week Day 2!!!!!
#btw just as a side note. I’m doing these in AEST because that’s the timezone I’m in#and I don’t know what timezone everyone else is in#so if you’re a day ahead or behind these announcements that is perfectly fine#these are more reminders :)#kaneki ken#ken kaneki#kaneki#tokyo ghoul#kanekiweek24
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mum wasn't much into DS9, she didnt like it when it was airing, and only really started to get into it in the later years of her life. she loved quark. but still, i'm glad she got to see "dr. bashir i presume?" before she died
and she loved it
#mum's also autistic by the way#so yeah hit us both#and me finally getting around to watching it after 2 years of putting it off#well i watched it with mum. i remember that day clearly it a couple years ago i think. we had cucumbers and chips#we were watching trek on netflix back when we had that#and i remember being all chirpy like ''oh today i feel like watching DS9 theres an ep i wanna check out''#i said it all casual as if it isnt fucking heartbreaking#so that got mum curious. at first she was like oh an episode about that guy you like. of course#so she figured That was the reason. well it helps#and yeah. as the ep went on... it did its thing. and of course she got it. we're both autistic AND autism activists#she knew damn well about the concepts touched upon#i remember feeling her get more engaged with the story and being like ''whoa this is REALLY good''#also yeah she picked up on the fact that i knew ahead of time what its about#also also she appreciated robert picardo being there. being also a huge fan of voyager#legit the only snag during the ep was during the montage of everybody being asked stuff about julian#she was like ''wait whos julian??'' and i had to remind her and then after that she was fine jfdskjhfds
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also heads up, my queue is going to be running my blog mostly as i deal with some serious family matters and mental illness issues. ill still try to update the gfm in my pinned and reblog other ones & activism posts to increase reach but im sorry if im not very interactive for a little while!!
#my queue is stocked full of posts for literally half a year and has randomly scheduled ones#(like one for the first day of summer/sad boy sunday comic ones/reminders etc etc)#but i dont want ppl to think im ignoring them when i am just. not in a good mental place#and having a new set of family health issues and financial stresses i got to handle and take care of#but i love you all. mwah mwah mwah. and i am going to try and take a nap since i havent slept in 3 days and got a long evening ahead of me
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they call me the griever because halfway through a thing I enjoy I’m already sad that it’s closer to being over
#blue chatter#trying to work on not doing this#and just enjoying the thing in the moment#this happens to me a lot with school breaks and such#like ‘oh I love being on spring break but I’m sad bc I’m already 3 days in’#‘oh I love summer vacation so far it’s too bad it’s already a month over’#and I’m like NO!!!!! blue!!!!!!!! you’re missing the point!!!!!!!!#you have the joy *right now* and you are SPOILING IT bc you’re too busy looking ahead to when it will be gone!!!!!!!!!#it happens with friend visits a lot. it’s less bad now but it still happens.#like. the first time I visited friends over spring break I woke up in the early morning of the last morning and just cried#because I only had a few hours left before I had to get on the plane home#and I start hurriedly stuffing seconds and minutes into my mouth and refusing to swallow#because maybe if I just cling extra hard then the time won’t pass-#but it does pass. and that’s okay. and I know that’s okay because life had more joyful things after that moment#had I stayed there on that day I would have been frozen as a much more miserable person#my friends themselves would have been very different people#I mean. fuck. between then and now two of us figured out our genders. both of them got married. they moved somewhere else now.#there’s a lot of little joys that got left behind there. a church they loved. a local park. mountains and windy streets.#but I wouldn’t hold ourselves there. which I try to remind myself when I start crying about lost time again#because yeah. this will end someday. human lifespans aren’t infinite.#but the future is full of life I still have to live. there’s no saying that I can’t have good things again.#and this period of my life is rapidly rushing towards a much more uncertain future and I know that and it’s scary#I know I have about 11 months to make several very adult decisions that will determine a lot of my future#but no matter what I choose this period of my life is not wasted#and I don’t need to hurriedly optimize every second and mourn losing them#and I know that. and I still feel sad and mourny. but that might be more indicative that I’m hungry or smth.
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