#remind me to keep my internet circle small

[choco-worms]

When i, an adult, get successfully bullied out of a discord server

[insolentgod]

reminder extremely tough and maybe a little harsh.

a lot of folks gotta work themselves to death just to have a halfway comfortable life, some don't even have the basics. many will have to do crazy stuff for money and others dream of giving their loved ones a good life but can't. some will only be able to see luxurious lifestyles on phone screens or in other people's TikTok accounts. and others don't even have the money to pay for internet to see that.

lots of people will spend years hating themselves, hating their appearance, personality, social life, social status, skills, everything about themselves. many live with insecurities, feeling like a supporting character in their own story, some have things that bother them but it's "impossible" to change them so they'll just have to live with it. others spend a fortune on surgeries or treatments to change something about themselves, and many die because of it.

many people will have to live trying to recover from traumas and bad things that hit them, without knowing how to simply erase them from their lives, and unfortunately, some prefer to end their own lives so they don't have to live with those burdens.

many people will have to face horrible diseases, some they simply can't get rid of and others that are incurable. suffering, waiting for a miracle to free them from this torture.

some folks may never achieve their personal goals and dreams, out of fear, lack of opportunity, lack of means, or because they think it's impossible for them. so consequently they will have to surrender to a mediocre life that they hate.

many people will have to spend years in shitty relationships without knowing how to get out, others will see the love of their life being happy with someone else, others will think that love only serves to deeply hurt them, and others will accept horrible things from their partners because they think they don't deserve anything better.

a lot of folks unfortunately live out there lonely, without love, without a good social circle, without friends, with an abusive family, with people who don't want the best for them, with people who only hurt them and make them think that's what they deserve.

you might think I'm a jerk for talking about such harsh examples and I'm sorry if I hurt anyone, but damn..

all these examples I mentioned are really sad and they leave us with a heavy heart thinking that a lot of people go through this. I think everyone deserves a dignified and happy life, you deserve a dignified and happy life. you don't deserve to be like those people in the examples I mentioned, and you're not. because you have a key in your hands. it's like life is a damn game and you have all the hacks and cheats to simply WIN and do whatever you want, while other people don't even dream of that or are too skeptical to try.

but you know what's funniest about this? it's that this shit ain't just any game, it's your life. it's literally your damn life and you're there playing with the law? saying "oh I can't" "oh persisting is too hard" "I think I'll never have my desires".

girl, I'll kill you if you keep thinking like that.

there are folks who just don't take the loa seriously, and that's why they never fulfill their desires!!!!!!!!!!!! and they won't have anyone to blame for their failure but themselves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the LOA community is very small, discovering about it was extremely lucky. so tell me a good reason why you know about it and simply can't manifest? exactly. there isn't one! you can and you should.

I'm not here to judge your difficulties in manifesting (even if I judge everything and everyone), because having difficulties and keep trying is one thing and simply giving up and saying "I can't manifest" is another.

it was a blessing from the universe, God, higher power, whatever you believe in. you discovering LOA was the damn greatest blessing of your life, don't you see that? don't you really see how blessed you are? maybe in the past you've been through hell, but now, my love, the sun is shining for you, you just have to want to shine. unfortunately a lot of people will never have that luck, there are people who would kill to be blessed like this. so please, I beg you... use this tool and have the damn happiest life you can, enjoy it and stop playing with the law.

tell me what do you really want? a true and light love? have a look that would never make you feel insecure again? being the pride of mommy and daddy and having their love? having that beautiful house and a happy family? finally healing from depression or other mental disorders and finally being able to live to the fullest? friends who really care about you? want to meet that idol you've been a fan of for a long time and that everyone thinks your passion for him is silly? want to live in that country far away from everyone? want to stop feeling that guilt or any other bad feeling that has been tormenting you for a long time? want to be truly happy for the first time in your life? want to be rich, a millionaire, billionaire, trillionaire? or just have enough money to lead a comfortable life and never have to work again? go ahead, tell me what you want. you can have it.

stop suffering, you don't deserve to suffer. enough torture. take what's yours and move on. you're strong enough for that. the game ain't over for you, you can't just give up like that. the game is yours, it obeys you, and it ends when you decide. take freaking control.

i suffered a lot in life, i hope one day i have the courage to tell you about my success here. and I simply don't know what I would do without finding out about LOA, just thinking about it fills my heart with gratitude. I feel like a winner. you deserve to feel this peace of having won too.

God bless you. take care of yourselves and put your head to work.

i ain't that selfish. if you need some backup, im here for you, babe. I wanna see you win. 🌟

[thisismeracing]

LEWIS DATING A KOREAN GIRL | LH44

Warnings: mentions of food; tooth-rotting fluff; mentions of family members; not proofread.

A/n: Just a quick reminder that there are many shades, experiences, and backgrounds when it comes to korean people and their culture, what I am writing does not resume everything, but rather brings a piece of it to the table. <3

⁕ Reader is an engineer as requested here, but it's just one of the points of the headcanon, so it won't be a problem if you're not an engineer hehe <3

⁕ my masterlist and my taglist

Lewis will definitely learn a thing or two of your native language even before you guys start dating. And once you finally do, he will be all in for learning everything.

He's curious and eager to learn about Korean culture beyond what the mainstream shows. And he will listen attentively to everything you tell him.

Don't get me started on the fooood! Man will try every vegan version available and you'll love him even more for that. He already knows how to use chopsticks, but before you, he would use them occasionally, now he uses them whenever you guys are having any traditional dish (to which he will listen to you talk with heart eyes).

Lewis is such a mindful lover, he will definitely buy small things that remind you of your culture and put them around the house to make it feel homier so you don't even wander far from your roots.

When you go meet your family it takes a bit for Lewis to get used to keeping his PDA to hands holding, he would often lean in to kiss you and then remember and backtrack with a smile all giddy.

Your whole family just loves him so much, they learn how to cook the vegan versions of all traditional foods and Lewis almost cries when it's dinner time and you guys are eating the same thing.

The whole relationship is just a lovely experience because you guys will talk about everything and anything. He will often ask about work/uni and you're going to tell all the engineering gossip. More often than not you guys will discuss the technicalities of the cars and he'll get the urge to just kiss because you're just so perfect and smart and funny, he's in awe.

You can bet this man is gonna brag about you and mention that you're an engineer to everyone around. The internet will even joke about how his answer to everything always starts with "Yeah, you know my girlfriend's an engineer, so...".

The Mercedes garage will love having you around, you're just so polite and friendly. They'll love how Lewis always shows the car stuff to you and ask your opinion, and it's common to end up in a small circle of conversation with the crew about racing.

Will definitely take up reading more about your interests and your culture. You'll catch tons of Koean songs on his new gym playlist.

It's a calm and beautiful love. Lewis is open and ready to do anything and everything for you, just like you are for him.

― ⋆🪩 VOICEMAIL:  If something sounded stereotypical or even slightly offensive, please let me know, and I’ll change it immediately. I hope you guys liked it *mwah*

taglist: @sachaa-ff @mickslover @formulakay3 @crimeshowjunkie @mishaandthebrits @iloveyou3000morgan @fdl305 @saintslewis @scorpiobleue @carojasmin2204 @chaoticevilbakugo @wondergirl101ks @smiithys @shhhchriss @f1kota @lunnnix @uuuseeerrr12 @balekane_mohafe

[johnslittlespoon]

all the actor/celebrity au posts lately combined with troye bringing ross on stage last night for one of your girls has got me thinking...

a musician x musician au where gale is a troye sivan–esque ultra–famous queer pop star, and john's the singer of a well known indie rock band, and he gets asked by gale's team to star in a music video similar to one of your girls...

to everyone who doesn't know him personally, gale feels like this untouchable pop star. he's been in the industry for years, one of those classic 'i used to make music in my bedroom in my small town' stories, working his ass off before finally a song of his blows up and gets traction and then it's such a fast rise to stardom that he doesn't have time to wrap his head around it.

he never gets used to it, but he doesn't get an ego from it; he still hangs out with the same group of friends he's had since high school, and his team does most of his social media posting for him, because it freaks him out having all that attention, as grateful as he is. he's not shy by any means, not like he was when he started out, but he's not the biggest fan of all the fanfare and interviews and being put on a pedestal and all that. he keeps himself pretty distant online, and that coupled with the diva/superstar energy in his music/projects gives him this air of being on another level– a rare type of star all around.

john has a similar story, the whole growing up on the internet thing, making music in his basement in high school with the friends he's now in a pretty popular indie rock band with, working tirelessly to make a name for him and his friends. but that's kinda where their similarities end.

because john is known for being an absolute shit–poster, a little fiend online, a running joke in his fandom that 'john doesn't know that he's famous', 'should someone remind him this isn't a finsta?' type of vibe. he feels so accessible and down to earth, and while he's just as level headed and humble about his celebrity status as gale is, he displays it by being more present and trying to show the human side of it all, vs gale trying to create distance between gale cleven and the gale persona the world knows.

the band is first and foremost john's thing, but as he's grown in popularity, he's of course gotten offers for other avenues here and there, and at the insistence of his manager he decides to agree to try out a modelling shoot one day. he's not naive; he's more than aware of all the comments going on about his looks, stumbles across more tiktok thirst trap edits of him sweaty and shirtless on stage than he can count, isn't all too sfw in some of his band's songs, either.

he finds it all funny, but he also is someone who will always jump on new opportunities/experiences, and he ends up having a good time modelling, and picks up more gigs as time goes on. this is how gale becomes aware of him, somewhat because gale does occasional modelling too, but mostly because he's worked with a lot of big fashion names for tours and videos, so his and john's circles occasionally crossover, though they never actually meet in person.

so then comes this music video shoot, one that gale's been agonizing over for months, planning every little detail and making sure everything is perfect. it's something that drives his manager (marge? <3 gotta include the angel in every au obvs) insane because gale's got so much on his plate as is, but he likes to be so hands on with his projects, and she knows by now there's no talking him out of that. and everything is going great, until the person who's meant to be starring opposite gale has to pull out last minute due to a scheduling conflict or personal emergency or something.

and the usually very collected and put together gale is freaking out. it's the day before the shoot, everyone involved has already travelled to be on location, choreography is set in stone– this is his nightmare scenario, never doing well in situations where he has a lack of control. it's half of what scares him so much about being as famous as he is, is that he doesn't have a lot of autonomy or control over his own image or how he's perceived in the public eye (and digging deeper into backstory, probably stems from wanting to take back control after a childhood filled with being controlled by family.)

but it's situations like these where he's reminded why marge is his manager and he isn't, because she leaps into action the moment they find out about the cancellation, calming gale down so they can put their heads together to find a replacement. they reach out to a few of the names they have connections to, but it's too short notice for all of them, so maybe marge even just resorts to going through the people gale follows on instagram, and stumbles across john's page. he's got a good rep in industry and has worked on less 'conventional' projects before, so marge shuts down gale's fretting over "would he be comfortable with something like this?" by telling him there's only one way to find out, and contacting john's manager.

john agrees before he even hears the full pitch, and he's just as keen afterwards (albeit a bit nervous because by no means is he a professional dancer), knowing it'll be good publicity, and curious to explore a more artsy/out there gig, but also curious about the illusive gale, who he'd been surprised to receive a follow from a few weeks back.

john is flown out that night to the city of the shoot location, barely having a few minutes to change and head to the rehearsal space, where he meets a very frazzled but very thankful gale for the first time.

maybe they both have some preconceived notions about each other, despite having mutual respect and no actual interactions; john probably expects gale to be a bit stand–offish or conceited given his high celebrity status, but finds gale's actually bashful and quiet and easygoing when the cameras are off (when they're on, it's like he flips a switch, slipping into this persona, exuding confidence and sexuality and it honestly blows john's mind to witness in person).

gale probably expects to john to be loud and abrasive based off his well known social media posts, maybe even a little uncomfortable around gale, who is openly queer, whereas john isn't– maybe john hasn't ever stated his sexuality, has never given much thought to it, it doesn't matter much to him. instead he finds john's actually a little shy, much less bravado than he'd anticipated, but very enthusiastic and eager to learn and get the choreo and everything else right, assuring gale repeatedly that he's down to do whatever is needed.

so the two of them rehearse till the early hours of the morning, john taking it as seriously as though it's his own project he's invested months into, and gale gains such admiration for his commitment and willingness to stick his neck out for a borderline stranger (even though he's obviously aware this is a big boost for john's career). john gains a newfound appreciation for gale's work ethic and how much effort goes into every little thing for a huge artist like him.

and inevitably... there is sexual tension during the rehearsals. they're both overtired and sweaty and it's such a strange situation to meet for like five minutes and then jump right into dancing together so intimately, having to shed any inhibitions and self consciousness, but it's a blessing in the sense that they have to get comfortable around each other so quickly. there's no room for modesty or shyness, and john is genuinely speechless at how gale puts business first, and after double checking that john isn't uncomfortable, how he has no qualms about physically directing john, moving him how he wants him.

it's hot to john, the way gale knows exactly what he wants and is so passionate about his vision, and he'd be lying if he said the combination of being starstruck and being lowkey manhandled isn't getting to his head a bit. which is a whole other thing to unpack, because aside from vague acknowledgement of some men being attractive/beautiful, he's never actually found himself flustered by one like this, and it catches him off guard. he stays professional, but he still can't help but let his naturally flirtatious/joking personality slip out as the night drags on; he's like that with everyone he works with or hangs out with, and he thinks it would be weirder if he wasn't like that with gale, like everyone else would somehow notice.

meanwhile gale is fighting his own demons because he's got a very sought–after, very hot, very straight man dropping everything for him and letting him puppeteer him, on top of being so stubborn that even though gale can tell he's exhausted, john's refusing to call it a night until gale does, and THEN as if all that's not enough, john's effortlessly witty and complimentary and flirty. and gale's not one to mix business and pleasure, so he's not even entertaining these emotions, but he can't help but feel flattered by it all, while also reminding himself that john probably doesn't swing that way.

basically they both are discovering they have competence kinks lmao, like objectively they both find the other attractive, but it's not like they aren't constantly surrounded by beautiful humans in their lines of work, so it's more so the emotional side/work ethic that gets them both flustered, coupled with the inherent sexuality of dancing with very little clothing, hands on sweaty skin and toned muscles. but neither of them act on it, too tired by the time they call it a night even if they'd wanted to, and then it's back to their respective hotels to get a few hours of sleep before the shoot.

john isn't called to be on location until mid afternoon, and when he wakes up to his phone ringing and glances at the time, he freaks out, thinking he's slept through the shoot or something because he'd expected to be called early in the morning. he's told that he didn't sleep through it, but he's disoriented until he shows up, when he's told that gale had moved things around, filming as many scenes as he could without him before john was needed for his part, so that john could get more rest. (john swoons. just a little.)

he gets swept up in the capable hands of hair and makeup and wardrobe in his own trailer, and he doesn't see gale until it's time to film, and when he does, he almost doesn't believe it's gale. the glam makeup, the long blonde wig, the form–fitting sheer black dress and heels– gale's pretty as is, but with his features accentuated like that, john doesn't even know what to do with himself, feels like he's going through a midlife crisis at the ripe age of 25. he'd known gale would be in some sort of getup for their choreo, but nothing could've prepared him for this.

it makes it even more endearing that gale seems so awkward about it when he greets john, clearly out of his comfort zone in the ensemble, but john knows there's no way gale doesn't know how stunning he is, it's not a lack of confidence that's making him awkward. john keeps it together, reminds himself to be professional. tells gale it was really sweet that he let him sleep in, that he didn't have to do that, to which gale waves him off like it's no big deal. and he compliments gale too as they walk onto set, tells him, "you look great, wow," tame as he can be, and gale tells him "could say the same for you," and john snorts, gesturing to his simple jeans and boots and lack of shirt, says "feeling a bit underdressed, actually," and it gets a laugh out of gale.

when the cameras are rolling, any of that visible discomfort or awkwardness in gale disappears like someone's snapped their fingers and rid him of it, movements fluid like water, not an ounce of anything other than confidence and power and sensuality seeping through as he commands the camera with his energy. despite his aching body, john's grateful they ran the routine into the ground last night to the point that it's nearly muscle memory, because it's hard to concentrate when gale's looking down at him through long faux–lashes and gloss–plumped lips, caressing his jaw, playing with his hair, the sway of his hips and roll of his waist beneath john's hands so mesmerizing, john's half convinced he's being serenaded by a siren.

the tension would be insane, but equally confusing because neither of them would be able to discern what's an act and what's not, or if it's all just an act, pushing and pulling at an invisible line but never quite stepping over it even once the shoot wraps, both for the sake of professionalism but also for fear of rejection.

maybe after it all, john's on his flight back home and realizes in the whirlwind of everything, he never got gale's number (has a moment of 'why would i need it? this was just a gig' lol okay yearner). john's not even sure at that point what/how he's feeling about gale, the conflicting emotions of feeling attraction to him while in borderline drag doing nothing to help the confusion, especially because he can't excuse the attraction as just that when he was feeling things during rehearsal in casual clothes too.

he knows he could easily ask his manager to reach out to gale's manager for his number, but then he gets in his head convincing himself that if gale had wanted to talk further, surely he would've asked for john's number, since gale has way more reason to be selective with his own with his status.

he doesn't realize that on the other end of things, gale's realizing he also never got john's number, only he's talking himself out of reaching out because he doesn't want to read into john's friendliness as something flirtatious when as far as he knows, john is straight, and this was likely just a job for john, as well as they seemed to get along.

cue miscommunication when one of them actually works up the courage to dm the other on instagram since they're mutuals– either john dms gale something simple, a 'thanks again for the opportunity', and because gale is never on his socials and gale's team doesn't check messages much, it's weeks before anyone clocks john's message, during which john becomes sure he's nothing more than a coworker to gale, which he understands but is sad about. or, gale dms john, but from a private account with an innocuous username that he has just for friends and family, and john never even opens it because the lack of profile picture and generic user blends in with all the other message requests he gets a day.

they only end up reconnecting when the music video actually drops, because obviously it breaks the internet, and john happens to be doing promo interviews and radio shows at the time for his band's new album and tour, so an interviewer of course asks him what the experience was like working on a set like that and working with gale. john gives a glowing review, goes out of his way to praise gale– "the nicest guy you'll ever meet, and the craziest work ethic i've ever witnessed firsthand in hollywood."

when the interviewer asks if john would ever consider working with him again, y'know, the classic question an interviewer has to ask so they can drum up clicks with a 'john egan hints at possible future project with gale cleven!' title, john lays it on thick the way he always does with a wink at the camera and a "he can call me up anytime," but then adds a serious "no, really, i would love to work with him again, he was great."

predictably, the people who are already losing their shit over the music video and making edits and fan theories about the two of them go even crazier, spam–tagging gale and his team in the comments of this interview post, which leads to it eventually making its way to gale, and gale then realizes that john hasn't been uninterested; he must've just not seen his message since surely he would've replied if he had (marge looks at him with so much disappointment when gale mentions his attempt to reach out– "gale, no one with that kind of following is going through dm requests from faceless, private instagram pages, you of all people should know this").

gale hasn't told marge about his possible feelings, but marge isn't dumb; she didn't stand on set for nearly 24 hours with her eagle–eyes and not notice the way gale had been looking at john. to anyone else, it might've just seemed like he was leaning into his persona, but marge has known gale for a long time, and she could tell it wasn't all him playing it up for the cameras.

so marge puts her manager–brain and best friend–brain together and decides that with all the hype surrounding the new song and video, the two of them being seen together in public and making a few posts together would be a great boost for both of them. but she knows gale will never go for it if she voices this to him, because he'd see it as using john for popularity; she reasons that if he doesn't know, it can't be using. so she reaches out to john's manager and figures out when they'll both be back in the same city, and relays her plan as if it's just business, asking for john's manager to let john know that gale will be in town the next week if he wants to set something up, and she gives the manager gale's number for john to contact.

when gale wakes up one morning to a 'hi, this is john! my manager passed on your number to me, hope that's okay. i was told you're in town next week? :)' and then 'egan. btw. lots of johns out there.' and then 'the music video guy.' (john, absolutely panicking on his end, worrying that gale might not even remember his name, not knowing gale's been stalking his socials and confusion–pining just as much as john has been doing the same.)

and then more miscommunication after they arrange to hang out, because john assumes this is just for publicity based on what his manager told him, and he understands, as much as he wishes they're hanging out properly. but gale assumes this is a genuine hangout, because john never says otherwise, until the end of the evening, when gale has to leave for a dinner event and john says "we better take those pics for the 'gram before we say goodbye, or the big guns'll have a fit."

and either gale masks his surprise and then disappointment and goes along with it, thinking maybe he missed a memo or misread things, and this conflict and miscommunication is dragged out even longer, or gale doesn't hide his confusion in time, and john is then equally confused, says "your manager didn't...?" and gale says "sorry, i didn't know; i guess i misread your texts," feeling stupid that he's been thinking the hangout is anything other than a pr stunt. and then there's the awkward "no! no– well, yeah, i was told that this was to promote the video, so i thought– i mean, i would've liked to hang anyway, i just didn't think you wanted to?" from john.

gale is slowly connecting the dots in his head and he's so embarrassed, but also relieved that he hasn't misread things and made a fool of himself. john looks on the verge jumping out of his skin as gale sits quietly, so gale puts him out of his misery, smiles and pushes his irritation about the incident down and says "i do want to, john. i think marge– it doesn't matter. it was a miscommunication, i guess." and all the tension evaporates out of john's body, and he lets out a laugh, and a "oh, thank god. fuck. i was about to walk into the street," and gale lets himself relax too, scoffing at john.

so they decide to have a redo the next week, since they both do feel obligated to take their stupid pictures now to please their teams (and the internet), and thus a tentative friendship is born, the two of them dancing around each other and around feelings because everything is confusing as is, let alone with the way their careers affect every aspect of their lives. so much slowburn, lots of john trying to figure his attraction out and gale keeping his walls up because the thought of literally becoming the person he's singing about in his music video is laughable, he doesn't wanna be strung around or used as an experiment for john.

and john respects this unspoken boundary and also appreciates that they can get to know each other as friends while he tries to stop freaking out every time he pictures him and gale doing less than platonic things. probably a whole lot of chaos on john's end with the absolute tornado that he is, ie: '4am 'am i gay' quizzes taken in the dark of his bunk on a tour bus, asking an openly queer friend from his band if his feelings toward gale are normal, rumours started by a fan that they saw john in a gay club after a show, etc.

because john doesn't do anything halfway– he's ready to literally go out and kiss men and explore his newfound feelings, not just to prove himself to gale, but to figure himself out, because he's terrified of hurting gale since john doesn't have the best track record with relationships. overthinks the shit out of everything and doesn't realize it's not that deep, that liking gale doesn't mean he's suddenly attracted to all men, that all gale wants is for john to be confident in himself and his feelings for him before pursuing anything.

there's a lot of back and forth and messiness and emotions stacked on top of their already crazy hectic schedules and lives, the theorizing and prying from fans and paparazzi, caution from management, but when they eventually have their point of no return moment and cross that line from friends to more, the chemistry is so intense that both of them feel stupid for dragging things out for so long.

when the initial new relationship shyness wears off, the sex is also insane, all the exploration and playfulness (and inevitability of the whole feminization thing coming back into play since that's what starts everything in the first place lol). they're barely able to keep their hands off each other, almost always spending the night at each other's places, stealing as much time as they can to make up for the time apart when there are tours or other events separating them.

they try to keep things private for a while, but with how active john is online, he slips up a good few times– tiktoks where a hat or something of gale's is accidentally left in the background, story posts where john's wearing one of gale's hoodies unthinkingly, mirror selfies where there's a mystery hand or leg in the background. the internet is torn, some convinced it's coincidence, some certain it's all a pr stunt to get people talking, some adamant that they're in a secret relationship. gale's never upset about it; they both just know how much things will change if they go public.

months are spent sneaking around, rarely going on public dates, the odd paparazzi shots still leaking out until it finally gets to the point that there's no point hiding things anymore, it's obvious that they're not just friends. they never actually announce it or make some relationship launch post; they just stop caring, and it's freeing and neither of them expect to be so affected by being able to publicly show affection for each other, but it's such a sweet thing and makes things feel so much more real.

john goes to gale's sold out arena shows and stares up at him in awe and can't believe that gale chooses him every day, and gale goes to john's band's high energy festival sets and watches his golden boy light up with joy every time he glances at him side stage and can't believe john chooses him too.

:-)

lol this post was meant to just be the two lines above the cut but then i got to thinking about origin stories and whoops new au drabble because i'm a master at getting carried away!!

[beefrobeefcal]

https://64.media.tumblr.com/f80dfd4d4022311baf5ba6098b37fe83/181245afbf287710-c0/s1280x1920/76405f99a7880202727dd0a350a203f25c747899.jpg

xoxo

To Nonnie, Love Beefro

Nonnie, thank you. I needed this today.

Imma take a moment and be real with you all right now. Your beef is in a funk, and not the shake your groove thing kind.

tw: mental health talk

If this isn’t your bag and you’re just here for chaos beef fat peepaw meltdowns, mad respect, baby, and I’ll see you in the next post or two! 💜🥩💜

Smuttiest regards,

Beefro 👌🥩💜

First and foremost, I am not looking for sympathy, I’m just keeping y’all in the loop. This is something I have lived with for years and it’s only in my late 30’s that I have been able to put words to it (now NO ONE CAN STOP ME!), and you also might be thinking but beef, didn’t you just go thru this?

Like a beaver on a unicycle, these are the days of our lives and yeah - this cycle of good and bad, shit and great, highs and lows? happy and sad is my life. 🎢🥩🤯

There are factors in my non-internet life that I don’t have control over right now and they’re causing pretty severe anxiety, and it’s gotten so outside the I-can-handle-this realm that the terrible, ominous, dread-inducing brain goblin - depression - has made a cantankerous nest in my noggin. I call him Norbert.

I’m okay. I’m safe. I’m warm. I’m comforted. But I’m sad. Norbert has me seeing slights and purposeful ignorance in harmless and pleasant interactions. Norbert also tells me there’s slightly veiled hatred in a completely-obvious-it’s-not-about-me statement.

Depression is such a selfish brain bastard. It tells you every bad thing is and must be about you, and it tells you these lies over and over until you break down and believe them. I hate depression. But I don’t hate me. I love me enough to know I need kindness - not just from my inner circle and irl besties - but also from myself. I deserve to be treated gently, especially when I’m feeling fragile and breakable and fractured.

This isn’t me saying I’m taking a break - far from it! But I may not be as quick to respond or posting as frequently. I say that, and who knows… peepaw could show up to a movie festival in an outfit that gives home economics project inspired by chicken wire and I could be brought back to life and feel better. That’s the joy of harboring a Norbert - I could be fine one minute and debilitated the next.

Nonnie, I’m sorry to usurp your THOT with sad beef rambles, but i had to convey that I really did need this. I needed a small, wordless reminder that someone remembers me (again, depression lies!). Not only did you remember me, you thought of me when you saw Tim looking like he had one too many nights of take out and took the time to send this so me. 💜🥩💜 thank you.

Despite what Norbert tells me, I matter.

[separatist-apologist]

I was just thinking about how I miss you! To specify, not your fic updates so much as your general hilarious and genuine internet presence. Which yes is weird bc we do not know each other or live in the same country. But I hope you’re doing ok. I’m gonna reread one of your fics tonight as a treat to myself, maybe Wonderland? I hope you are crazy excited for Halloween btw!

Ooof I keep writing out my response and then deleting. how much is too much, haha? Probably all of it.

To condense- I am working on a comeback and being more lively. I needed the break, though, and to recalibrate what I enjoy about being here, as well as affirm my circle of friends and just spend more time among them as a reminder that the few deeply awful people who find their way in are in a small minority.

This break has been really wonderful, though, even if I've been less charming on main. I've made new friendships across my usual ships and spent more time among older friendships that I wasn't doing the best job maintaining.

And I freed myself from the obligation of writing nearly 30k words a week, and updating multiple times a week and wow wouldn't you know it, that was stressing me out HAHA. I'm wading back in. I needed to just see nothing ACOTAR related for a while, to block better, and just remove all the discourse from my brain.

Yeah yeah curate your experience but ah. It does work lmao.

I hope you (and everyone) knows how supported I've felt, and how genuinely grateful I am for everyone who has sent nice messages that are currently languishing in my askbox, along with all the silliness I've been staring at, trying to think of something equally silly to say back.

I think I'll be back in full force for the holidays. I signed up for the gift exchange too, and you know ya girl has to outdo last year (somehow)

[dude-why-3]

Hiii, I'm here for Aruani writer game!

1, 2, 5, 7, 9, 14, 15

Hi Anna, thank you for the ask!! I'm sorry it took this long to answer but here we go:

Share your favorite part of your latest fic. And since the latest is chapter 11 of wpts, it would be this paragraph:

"What?" His eyes search hers for a few seconds before he says, “We’ll be alright."  Annie’s eyes narrow at his statement. “I know." Armin presses his lips together. He searches Annie's face, takes in her eyes, the black circles that seem to have gotten bigger in the past few days, the way she bites her lips and chews on the inside of her cheeks. The way she digs her nails into her palms, he's concerned she'd soon draw blood. He hesitantly reaches his hand out and brushes his little finger against hers. Annie sighs heavily, letting her shoulders slump and fist unclench. Armin’s eyes trail down to her palm, finding that she's only left a few marks. He sneaks his hand into hers, gives it a slight squeeze, interlaces his fingers with hers.  "We'll be fine," Annie repeats his words, her voice barely above a whisper.  "We will be." He gives her hand another squeeze, and this time Annie reciprocates it. She gives him a small smile before returning to her water droplets, her hand not leaving his.

2. Share your favorite part of your first ever fic

Thing is, I no longer have the original document of my first fic and I have deleted it off of the face of the internet, so I can't really do this one. But it was the scene where Armin and Annie were trying to get closer and he told her he really liked ducks and that they reminded him of her. It was written in 2020 and I think it's the thing that started the whole duck thingy lmao. I later recycled the scene in 'Who painted the sky?' so there's that.

5. Write about Armin and Annie's first meeting (in an au, i'll let you guess which one hehe):

He hears rustling from behind, and for a second thinks it’s an animal, but then the sound of shoes against dirt makes him reconsider. He gazes at his bare dirty feet as he continues his work, dreading whatever interaction might follow. He can only hope it’s just a passerby. That thought disappears when he hears a quiet, whispery voice calling his name. He doesn’t have to turn around to know it’s the mayor’s daughter. He keeps his head low, acknowledging her with a nod but not raising his eyes. Getting in trouble for even daring to be in her immediate proximity is not something he's willing to do today, so he keeps doing his work, raising the scythe and slamming it back onto the ground, dragging it towards him.  The girl doesn’t move one inch, her eyes burning holes in the back of his head. Suddenly, Armin is very aware of his scrawny figure, unprotected by the shirt he's abandoned by the side of the property when the sun got too unbearable. Eventually, he sighs and raises his eyes to her level. 

7. What was the inspiration behind your shortest fic?

My shortest fic is "The stars are beautiful tonight". The inspiration behind it is a winter night with a clear sky and thousands of stars. I tried putting the stars into constellations and then this idea came to me.

9. Which of your fics is your favourite? Why?

It must be Long ago, before we were born, not only because it's inspired by my favourite song from my favourite singer, but also because I wrote while being around my favourite people, so this fic is something really special to me. Also, I really love how I wrote it! Every word fits in its place so perfectly and it feels so intentional and I like the suspense I created in the beggining, when you don't really know what going on.

14. Tell us a detail you wrote that nobody commented on yet

It's a quite important plot point and I'm still hoping someone will figure it out lmao, so I can't do this one, sorry :3

15. Write a hurt/comfort/angst moment between them:

Annie storms out into the hallway. "I got no one!" she berates, her voice almost breaking, as she turns to face him. "I can literally count everyone who gives a shit about me on my fingers!" "Do it then!" Armin says. Annie holds out her hands, her palms facing him, her fingers extended outwards. Then, slowly, one by one, she lets her fingertips touch her palm, her hands forming fists. Her eyes, glassy, pierce through him, going right through his heart, breaking it in tiny little pieces. His eyes widen, and then they narrow.  "Zero," Annie says, her hands now trembling the slightest bit. "I got no one." Armin reaches out and takes her hand in his, caressing it with his fingertips before straightening one of her fingers. Her eyes narrow in confusion.  "You've got me."

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

I have been following your blog for a looooong time, and you really do give great advice, and are a great storyteller! I’d love to borrow your wisdom. I was reading one of your stories, but I couldn’t finish it. And TRUST ME, you are not the problem, I am. I am so tired, and so burnt out, I can’t even read a drabble. I don’t know how to stop being this tired and exhausted. Life is hard all the time. And I feel lonely, which is why is even more heartbreaking that I can’t seem to connect with stories about idols I like.

I wish I could just turn off my brain and enjoy good Jk smut.

I go through something similar where I don't listen to BTS when I'm feeling negative. Not because they don't cheer me up but because I don't want to be reminded of bad times when enjoying their music. For me, I need to figure out what is making me feel like shit and decide on what I can do right now. If things are out of my control, I let it be; you can't change what you can't change.

Life is always gonna be hard, but, hey, character development, right? But also t's okay to let yourself feel these feelings. We all get tired sometimes. I would start by doing things that are fun but don't require much effort on your part. Watching Run BTS, for example. There's lots of other idol content too: interviews, behind the scenes, concerts... Or, if you don't want to watch idol content, maybe do something that's not related, such as crochet or cooking. I usually game (shocker, I know) but I also game when I'm feeling great too (followed by a reality check of how annoying people are, then I mute all and keep playing LOL). I also do things that I "meant to do" but never got around to, ex: organizing my photocards (lmao), sorting my large stationery stash, changing the photos on my inspiration yoonkook wall. It's both distraction but also I always feel better when I'm productive, even if other people would find it "pointless" or a small task.

You might feel lonely, but you aren't really alone if you don't want to be. The internet is honestly great for making connections. It can be as committal or noncommittal as you want it to be. Engage with content you like; all creators enjoy nice comments. Or comment on other fans' replies. You can find so much on here. With an open mind, you can discover intriguing niches (and new music, one of my favorite things keke).

When you learn something new about the world, you're still doing something even if all it was is finding a new music artist / game / movie series / any entertainment you're obsessed with. You might be tried, exhausted, but all you have to do is be and enjoy what is offered to you by the world. There is value in being a fan of something (as Yoongi has said before, man, I remember everything this guy says, huh). It really takes the pressure off you producing something and instead appreciating the fruits of others' labor while also enriching your life and making it more colorful. This is kindness in itself. Even if your support seems little to you, it is genuine, and that makes it worth more than anything.

We all have responsibilities, but don't push yourself to do fun things that you feel like you "should" be doing. The smut can wait (lmao). Rest if you need to rest. If you're up to it, find some content to enjoy. Do things you've always liked doing or search for something new and strange. If you expand your interests, you will expand the circle of people you interact with too. Plus, with the internet, you don't even have to sit up in bed! Poggies! XD

[firebird-inkheart]

Interesting to come back here after a nice break focusing on other things just to find people scrambling to glue back together what was essentially a burning house of straw that is this “community”. When I first joined a few years back then yeah, sure, I could consider this little corner of the internet a community. But eventually “community” dwindled down to “I can only trust this handful of people to not prematurely judge and shoot me in the back”.

Initially, I started out hopeful, wanting to share my art, interact with new people. But I’ve experienced several mental breakdowns and manic episodes over the course of the last 3/4 years thanks to this “community” alone. Watching judgey “rules” build up, followed by even more predictable demanding behavior to uphold some sort of paragon of non-existent virtue, and eventually reaching a pinnacle of lies, slander, and witch hunts before we all wind down and wait for the cycle to start up again. I can barely even bring myself to tag things in the self ship tags anymore because of how willing people are to go for blood via misunderstandings or even just a straight up refusal to consider the other person’s side.

That kind of cycle leaves me feeling like I’m walking on eggshells, makes me unreasonably paranoid, even though I know I’m not doing anything wrong, for something that’s supposed to be considered a “safe space”. And do you know what all of this reminds me of? It reminds me of having to watch what I said so I didn’t accidentally set my dad off into an accusation filled rage. Chew on that for a minute: This “community” has gotten so bad that it has, time and again, reminded me of my own father’s cycles of domestic abuse.

Like, genuinely, what in the actual fuck?

And this isn’t even getting into how much this “community” preaches about give and take, but only by and large demonstrates― No, demands ― the Take aspect of things. That leads into a larger problem surrounding the demand of instant consumption that’s been plaguing the internet for the last decade, but the base line of this problem is that this “community” gets so nasty demanding that people pay attention to their things, yet don’t reciprocate by giving attention back to others. I’m not really much of a saint either; there’ve been plenty of times where I’ve gotten upset at how things I’ve worked hard on would barely even break ten notes, especially when I did properly tag them. It’s hard to look at popular blogs get tons of attention when you get nothing, I get it, really. But with the way everything gets handled around here, it just feeds back into that horrible cycle.

It’s exhausting, being in this “community” most of the time. The things that are supposed to make me happy and bring me comfort don’t bring those sorts of “rewards” to me anymore unless I keep them within a small circle. Which sucks because I do want to share with a larger audience. I do want to get people excited for my things and to hype them up for theirs in turn.

Just not in this hostile environment.

And while it’s admirable that people want to better this “community”, it’s just another cog in the damning cycle because nothing ever actually gets done. It’s always just talk before we wind up to the big pitch that is infighting and self righteous judgement and witch hunts. Over. And over. And over again.

I always say that the “dead from the beginning” is one of my favorite tropes, never really thought I’d be experiencing the irony of living it with this “community”.

The straw house is already burned down, there is no building it back up again.

[maruflix]

CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT. #oneshot #ushijimawakatoshi #f!reader

When you, a small internet celebrity, gets acquainted with the volleyball star Ushijima Wakatoshi, a beautiful romance blossoms.

feat. Timeskip!Ushijima Wakatoshi x f!reader　　⎯⎯　wc. 1.2k

‘Cause my baby's fit like a daydream Walkin’ with his head down, I’m the one he’s walkin’ to,

As an up-and-coming internet celebrity, you’ve had your fair share of boyfriends and exes — singers, actors, content creators, and most recently, athletes. All the galas and events you’ve been invited to have surely introduced you to various social circles, and throughout the whole thing you found yourself indulging in new hobbies and interests.

After breaking up with your basketball player boyfriend of ten months, you’ve begun to develop an attraction towards volleyball, often going to watch official matches while vlogging and sometimes making content about the sport.

Slowly, you started to get acquainted with the national volleyball association who are eager to work with you to cultivate the public’s growing interest. While doing your job as a content creator, you naturally grew to befriend the national volleyball team.

When you first started being courted by the Ushijima Wakatoshi, also known as Japan’s main cannon in the world of professional volleyball, it felt like a dream.

He is respectful, determined, and just a little bit shy when he keeps asking you to go out for lunch, sneaking in some leisure time with you in between his practice, tiptoeing around the watchful and curious eyes of his teammates.

At first he gave you flowers with the excuse of appreciating all the hard work and PR you’ve done for the team. Then he started to give you other presents; sometimes small trinkets that he says reminded him of you, other times clothing that he insists is not expensive at all even though just taking one look at the brand already gave you shivers from how costly they must be.

You come to his matches as often as you can, his teammates soon getting used to your presence. The two of you follow each other on all your socials and he always leaves comments under your new posts. You feature him on many of your videos as your ‘close friend’ (your fans have their suspicions) and he invites you to team gatherings as his plus one.

Gossips start to arise, but since the two of you have never confirmed nor denied anything, it stays at that — gossips. But your closest friends know better and there’s just no fooling his teammates anymore, not when he visibly lights up when he catches sight of you.

Finally, after countless dates and dinners, he asks you to come to one of his practices. You walk in, already suspicious of the knowing looks that are thrown to you and the way his teammates splits open a path for you, leading you to a nervous Ushijima, his hands clasped behind his back.

There, in front of the entirety of Japan’s national volleyball team, Ushijima asks you to be his girlfriend, handing you the most beautiful bouquet of your favorite flowers. It was his last practice before Summer Olympics, and he confessed that he had no choice but to finally shoot his shot or else he won’t be able to get you off his mind during the games.

(Of course, with his team’s excited cheers behind the two of you, you said yes.)

My baby’s fly like a jet stream, High above the whole scene, loves me like I’m brand new.

You’ve had numerous exes. A lot of them are handsome, or popular, or both. But they fade to nothing when you look at him.

Ushijima Wakatoshi is self-assured, so stupidly determined at whatever he sets his mind into, and loves you in such a straightforwardly simple way.

Not to mention that the man looks like a daydream, his body trained from years of playing volleyball, and yet he spends so much time getting ready for your dates, making sure that he looks absolutely perfect. (His go-to emergency call, Miya Atsumu, snitched on him to you.)

Of course, you know that the Southpaw has a lot of fans. He’s handsome, tall, good at what he does, and wealthy to boot. You, on the other hand, are just another up-and-coming internet celebrity.

Sure, you’re pretty, but you’ve seen the way the gorgeous girls in the seats bat their eyelashes whenever he walks in, the way their cheers drowns yours when he scores a point. You’ve read the compliments female celebrities leave under his social media posts, the texts from girls requesting to meet with him. (He never complies, but it still leaves you feeling insecure.)

But then, after the match, he distances himself from his team with a wave of his hand as he walks with his head down, ignoring the growing cheers from his fangirls. His every step is determined and precise, and when he stops in front of you, finally raising his head, he thanks you for coming to his match, proclaiming loudly how your support gives him strength even when he faces opponents much stronger than he is.

He holds your hand like you’re the only person in the room and tells you that he’s booked the usual place on Saturday, reminding you not to overwork yourself. At this you hear his fangirls’ cheers die down, replaced by sounds of shock and disbelief. You nod and tell him to do his cool-downs and that you will see him tonight.

When he leans in to kiss you, the entire gym erupts in cheers and hoots, your breath stopping as his hands snaked their way around your waist, pulling you close to him.

It takes Hinata Shoyo three times to call him for him to finally pull away, his cheeks flushed and his eyes dripping with desire, the crowd still going wild behind the two of you.

He shyly bids you a temporary goodbye, his hand still waving at you even when he is dragged away by Sakusa Kiyoomi. And when he turns to look at you one more time before disappearing with the rest of his team, you know that he is just as much yours as you are his’. 

The two of you announce your relationship status the very same night. Ushijima is a silent but adoring lover, rarely showing displays of affection in public but always keeping an arm on your waist protectively.

To his credit, he doesn’t need to say anything for everyone to know how much he loves you when he gazes at you with stars in his eyes, his touch always gentle and lingering. The long stream of presents continue to come despite your protests, as well as the gorgeous bouquets of fresh flowers he delivers straight to your doorstep every time he visits.

The duality of Ushijima Wakatoshi shines through when he makes love to you, reminding you that he is just as much of a tiger in bed as he is on the court. Then, when you rest your head on his chest, eyes drooping in exhaustion, he caresses your tresses gently, his quiet ‘I love you’ the last thing you hear before you drift off into slumber.

[kyrodo]

Marcus was a welcome sight after Ronnie & Friends shat on me and left. Marcus also played a role in my initial head canon with Ronnie. Being a horror fan, really liking pyramid head and silent hill, overall text style. Ronnie very much reminded me of Marcus in his younger years. Marcus was a college friend I met alongside Red, originally Sally.

He was crazy, he was funny, he was fun to be around, cussed freely and always had stories to tell from the darkest sides of the Internet to a loose life in highschool. It was really fun hanging out with him and he always had so much energy.

And that's partly why I thought I would get along with Ronnie just as well. But my approach to him in many ways was off. I kept throwing out all these random memories to get Ronnie up to speed on me, to catch him up to where Marcus is history wise without actually experiencing it. Even though that is not the way to approach someone old or new.

I kept wussing out, sometimes overdramatically because I didn't know if I was gonna lose Red or not. I was overreactive to any small reason I could think of, or I'd "social distance" because I felt like the subtext side of things was too toasty on his end.

But Pennsylvania was a dream future. My thought was that it'd be like how Orange County used to be for me and Red, where everybody we knew was within reach, mostly people we met at the Prancing Skiltaire. Except it'd be Ronnie's friends and I'd slowly get in touch with them the same way I did with my furry pack during college.

So a lot of my subtext respected that dream. It wasn't just Ronnie I wanted. I wanted to make friends with his to replace mine. The people I was leaving behind when I went to Utah. Utah had nothing for me. Balloontoes, Red's contact, was suicidal and had serious long-standing mental and emotional issues that put even Shadetail to shame. His friends and his wife were a very cheap replacement for my friends. We only got to see them twice, but my impressions were not good. Kitami had issues with remembering people, one of them joined us at peloton but was not a good worker, one of them was religious which I have a distaste for, and the wife was okay I guess. I didn't much care for Red having to babysit for them as they did have a baby over there, and babies remind me of my own mortality. I also don't like the smell or pretty much anything else to do with them caregiving wise. I don't find human babies cute at all. Kittens, puppies sure. A human baby is kinda disgusting. And given the sus art I'm into I don't want to associate myself any further than that for fear of what people would think of me.

I have a lot of reasons to avoid them. And back when I was about to turn 30, I wanted the least amount of reminders I was getting older as I could. In a sense my aversion to them is a childish denial of time. I wanted to be young forever. Because the happiest days of my life were in college. When I was discovering the furry fandom, going to cons being on the dance floor during cons etc. I had an extremely good time and a building social circle. And I had Red.

And I missed that so much that I wanted to recreate that time through Ronnie. Even if the way I was trying to do it was a poor attempt at best.

I never had to experience meeting someone like me growing up, and that is about as much as I can apologize for. I've never had to be around a has-been and keep them as a friend. I didn't necessarily make the effort to be all that appealing. I was always being an unhealthy looking mess. I made it clear before we met that something about me was off. Every choice I made including crushing on you was impulsive and a means of coping with where I got in life.

And I think we can both agree neither of us had to experience meeting each other at all. I have no business even being in orbit of you. Your life is way too different from mine. Having you see it firsthand why was a treat at first until I realize how openly hostile the act was towards me. My feelings used to allow me to overlook a lot of shit in temporary bursts. Since giving up completely was going to hurt more than accepting you were trying to hurt me. That's over now.

My bubble had to burst somehow. I sincerely wish you chose a better way but it made it easier to move on without looking back. Looking back used to be extremely addicting whether things were going well or not. Moreso than watching the news. But you gave me many reasons to stop.

Most of all the fact that you always took advantage of it to get to me. Guilt trip me into talking to you etc. The only way things would have truly ended is if one of us stopped completely. And I was volunteered.

The only way to stop a feedback loop is to stop giving feedback.

I did find my alternative to you. And he doesn't come with preemptive difficulty scaling. He doesn't come with your short temperment and he doesn't give up on me every chance he gets. He doesn't run away from any conversation that is remotely deep. He doesn't put me on stage for people to throw pebbles at. He's as much wrapped around my thumb as Red is and he loves Red too. What else is there to say.

You used to always be content in leaving me second guessing the meaning behind everything. I'd rather experience than guess, and I am experiencing. I am experiencing everything you pussyfooted out of being for me. And words in my world have meaning. Everything you thought wasn't even "possible" with me and Red, here we are.

Your constant riddles and off-putting reactions always made it feel like I have to prove something to you, no matter how I word anything and no matter what I'm talking about. Well I proved everything now. I proved it could have worked. I proved the only thing that made the equation fail was you. You ever want to try to debunk me again, you know where to fucking find me.

You see this huge disconnect between me irl and these angry posts? That's cause it's me and Red and you're not there. You get it yet? The Anger in me is solely devoted to you. Anger that you've done just about everything to deserve.

[artg210angusmacdougall]

Summary #2

We ask ourselves as designers about how our work contributes to the impact on the planet; specifically how does our work impact the triple bottom line; what is our Economic, Social, and Environmental principles and how are they related to our personal ones?

Economically, our performance makes sure that an organization meet’s its goals, whether that be to inform or persuade others socially, and environmentally sustainable methods for our process are being innovated all the time.

Ideally we want to make a large enough impact to prevent human rights violations, social inequality, and environmental destruction; but expecting to tackle global warming through personal action is too broad of a scope. The true scope goes from: country, province, local government, personal social circle, and lastly ourselves. Our broad goals must be visualized into what is actually within our control as an individual or an organization.

“The good designer’s job [is] to help define the ultimate goal and the path to achieve it.”

(Steven Heller, 2016)

One point where we can curb are most harmful practices is through advertising. There is a specific goal to convince investment in a product or service; yet advertising can encourage unsustainable behaviour or skew the values or principles towards sustainable world; through preying on an audience’s vulnerability, masking an unethical practice within the organization, or simply consuming more resources than necessary.

Ultimately we need to convince our client that these broader goals are worth pursuing, through small ways like ecologically beneficial packaging, sustainable initiatives or social responsibility programs; that these will fulfill our economic, social, and environmental needs. Yet those are still our client’s decisions, but not our responsibility. There is other work we can do than what our employer offers.

A graphic designer can still offer their services to non-profits, charity organizations, and other socially conscious projects; working from your local scope and connections to contribute to global movements.

Heller, (2016). America’s Big Design Problem. Design Observer, https://designobserver.com/feature/americas-big-design-problem/39439

Take-away Statements:

This content reminds me about how I don’t want to work alone.

I worry that I can’t keep all these principles on my mind while I work.

I hope that I will work with people that agree upon these values.

I’m motivated to include vegetable based inks, recycled paper, and renewable energy based internet servers in my dream projects.

I’m frustrated that less sustainable methods are more available and that encourages complacency.

Surely some companies have financially backed charities and non-profits as part of their own socially conscious initiatives; have they also offered their services as well?

These kinds of feelings outline the importance of having a manifesto as a reminder to my principles as I work through my process.

[across-stars]

also PSA, this was basically me the last 1.5 years, just going around in circles

will be taking a short break from tumblr, some personal thoughts below ^-^

i'm making some changes though; moved (though still unpacking and sleeping on the couch) back in with my mom and bro, got a job for the weekends as a waitress at the same cafe my bro works at (there will be a trial period of a month, but I have good hopes since I already helped clean up after an event yesterday night, and while I was exhausted I also just really need the money), I'm going to university 4 days a week to study (and also to not have to be around my fam and in the small flat too much)

...and I'll be taking a break from tumblr (and social media in general, but tumblr is really the only platform I'm dedicated to, reddit and insta is just doomscrolling)

I'm mainly writing this post as a reminder to myself to allow me some distance, since I have made my tumblr experience quite a bit of a burden through the many different themed accounts, side blogs, and other commitments like things I wanted to track... but I'll be quite busy the next few months, and I think it will actually be good for myself to keep me busy with studying and working and spending less time with myseld and my thoughts. I really want to re-commit to my studies, and also deal with my doomscrolling, which I think will be most effective if I just cut down on internet time in general

I want to keep believing there's good in the future for me, even after an increased decline in my mental health over the last +/- 16 months, especially after having received news less than 2 weeks ago that yet again the waittime for my clinical assessment has been moved

I have an idea for the future for myself, the main elements being having my own place and having financial safety, and I want to believe it's possible to achieve that peace <3

I'm finally taking concrete steps again towards this future, towards peace and safety

good luck, tumblr, see you around

trapped in carrousel for his crimes

[olderthannetfic]

I'm in a fandom with a lot of virulent antis (surprise surprise, it's heavily dark source material and I don't know why they're here at all) and a lot of the pairings that aren't the main badwrong ship on ao3 now have DNI tags on them for shippers of the badwrong ship. I guess not enough to break the TOS (no direct threats?), but still full of stuff like "x shippers DNI", "get help you freaks", "You're disgusting" etc etc.

Its just... so frustrating. Like that's a pretty red flag for me that a fic probably is going to be in an immature writing style so I probably won't read it anyway, but every time I see it I just.... heave a big sigh. Why these people are in this fandom or on Ao3 at all I'll never know. Its not even helpful - the tags are there to help describe the fic, if I didn't want to see that kind of content I could just... avoid content that's tagged that way. Why even add that to a fic that's not even about those characters at all?

Honestly, my real question is.... Olderthannetfic, how do you do it?

I feel like I do it "right", in fandom, or at least I try. I always just block and move on. I don't follow the discourse where I can help it and block a lot of the relevant tags. I keep to a small circle of folks that have the same fun brainrot I do and have fun, generally. But this kind of stuff still slips through the cracks in a way that's unavoidable if you're ever online at all. To be honest, it still hurts a lot to see each time, and be reminded that some people seem to literally want me dead over reading a story. And I can't help the doubt and the self-flagellation that creeps in. Despite my best efforts, and all my research, and living to the ripe rip van winkle tumblr fandom spinster age of 27... I sometimes have a moment where I think, maybe I really am a freak or a degenerate, or an evil predator waiting to bloom.

Do you ever experience this? Does this feeling ever go away, or at least dull to a more bearable exasperated eye roll? Do you ever see these anti idiots grow up or grow out of this mindset? Is it just a matter of time, age or experience? Is there a point at which you felt like it affected you less, or perhaps it didn't affect you like that at all? Is there a secret to navigating it calmly and with confidence? Do you have any advice to give in the, er, art of not giving a fuck?

--

Why would I quail at a stupid child on the internet after coming out as queer when I was 14 in the 90s?

I grew up with very open-minded, supportive family aside from my mother's conviction that BDSM was something people were into because they'd been abused. Even then, I remember privately snickering because I was super kinky, and wouldn't that upset her given this silly world view?

I had it easy compared to most in the 90s, but I still saw a lot of nonsense, like good old Mom on the topic of kink or murders in the media. But I also spent a lot of time reading educational sexuality books that debunked myths about fantasies and kinkiness.

Maybe a firmer grounding in sexuality stuff would help you? Nancy Friday's work on women's fantasies is a common starting point. I'm partial to The Topping Book, which is full of "it's great to be a top, actually" and not "you only do it for the sub".

Getting older does usually help though. Most 20-somethings are insecure in their sense of self. Middle age is when people's fucks generally run out, and that only continues to grow. Watch a stupid child go after some 60-something zine writer lady. She's going to laugh in their faces. Some people remain insecure forever, I suppose, but not anybody who had to woman up to be in fandom in the first place.

It's not just that these little idiots are wrong about us being predators: it's that they are the morally degenerate ones for spreading the psychological equivalent of "vaccines cause autism" or "Jews want to steal your Christian babies".

This idea that The Bad People are infiltrating our minds with their propaganda overlaps heavily with anti-semitic conspiracy theory right wing fundie nutjob ideas, and yet these young fools claim to be pro-queer and pro-civil rights. They're an embarrassment to any progressive movement and it disgusts me.

When someone goes "You're not a Christian, so you're going to hell", do you have a moment when you wonder?

Because that's the level of absurdity here.

Even if they don't bully, even if they don't include threats in their DNIs, the fact that they're spreading myths about sexuality that have been thoroughly debunked many times means they're doing something unethical, anti-intellectual, and anti-science.

I'm not afraid or guilty. I'm embarrassed for them.

--

Do antis grow out of it? Yes, frequently.

They are—either literally or functionally—victims of right wing Christian cults. They have the same trajectory of realizing they've been had and slowly trying to work through the raging guilt and religious trauma.

I have limited patience but some sympathy. Like other victims who were indoctrinated to hurt people, escaping the cult is hard. It means not only giving up your false sense of safety and all of your friends but facing what you've done.

[sweatandwoe]

My unpopular opinion is Mel is horrible. Her manipulative decisions are not “girlboss” or whatever and her simple classism just reminds me of people I used to know and am now I’m therapy for. Sure she has motivation but she is honestly horrible in my eyes end of. (Also the fact that people excuse it because she’s hot 😭???????)

strongly disagree

I ain't with you on this one anon, I'm sorry you got hurt by people similarly but I went on Mel defense here so if you don't feel comfortable reading it, please don't, stay comfy on the internet\

also enjoy some essay word vomit that is not structured at all

I think Mel's character is super fun, and also there's big reasons why the writers never had her ever interact with any citizen of the undercity (like even Viktor we never see them talk once in the entire show and considering their proximity to Jayce, it's kinda weird) and that is because Mel is shown to hate violence and suffering repeatedly throughout the show

Mel never interacts with anyone with the Undercity. Not even in the riot scene do we see her there, only the aftermath with the dead enforcers. I think the writer's knew it wouldn't have made any sense for her character to do it, when she's shown to detest violence so much it had her sent away from her family/country.

Mel has to be blind to how bad it is, in order for her to continue on. Because it wouldn't make no sense for her to have so much dislike of violence

Like even in the show's evidence with hextech weapons, with her mother in these scenes

"We need that weapon, Mel. Let the war unfold. And then you come home. Take your place at my side. It's where you belong."

Mel could've very easily taken the route that would've brought her back to her mother, her family. Something she is shown to clearly yearn for with her paintings.

But what does she do?

She gives it all up. Because she wants peace with Zaun. Because she doesn't want those weapons to be made and she knows this is a way to do it. (Unfortunately, one has already been made because this decision comes too late)

I'm tired of people writing Mel as this ruthless person, when in reality she's just ignorant and blind. Mel is compassionate when she realizes the wrongness of actions.

Like I love the idea of her interacting with Silco too for that one scene instead of Jayce. And Silco having no idea how to handle a piltie who is like 'wait all that's been happening?' because she just never witnessed or saw the details. Children dying would probably be like 'wait hold up' for Mel.

The writers constantly keep Mel from witnessing the horrors of the Undercity and there is very strong reasons for that. Because if she saw it, she probably would've pressed for change a lot sooner

I also feel like a lot of Mel hate is unfair, the fact that she in the end, does see the light and realizes 'shit's fucked' and uses her sway on the council to vote for peace with Zaun.

which in comparison to Heimerdinger who I feel gets way not enough hate. Heimerdinger literally sees and witness how bad the Undercity is and stays for like a day in it and is like 'oh they don't want my help' ??? YOU ARE THE REASON THEY NEED HELP SIR

Heimerdinger should get way more hate, where's that picture of boxer!silco hitting him. Need it back on my dash now

anyway

TLDR

Mel is compassionate, but blind to what happens to those outside of her small circle. If she were to see what happened, I 100% believe Zaun would've been freed a lot faster. Let Mel and Viktor talk one time damn it. Let Mel and Silco have that one scene instead of Silco and Jayce. Let her see Zaun and fight for freedom and be compassionate and we need more of those characters

Send me unpopular opinions

[bingoboingobongo]

Would you write a fezco x reader fic, where she smokes with fez for the first time and she kinda panics, so he helps calms her down. Then once she calms down it ends with her and fez laughing and talking about the stupidest things.

felicity

Pairing: Fezco (Euphoria) x Reader

Type: Fluff

Word Count: 1.3k

Summary: Fezco gets high and comes to a realization.

Warnings: feminine pronouns used (she/her), use of drugs (weed), brief mention of addiction, brief mention of rehab

A/N: hii, this was a really fun/easy request to write out as a sort of cool down from my last fic, so ty anon (even tho it took me forever to post this sorry). i'm not sure if my depiction of weed usage in this is accurate, i was mainly going off of internet, so i tried to keep it vague. as always, likes/reblogs and constructive criticism are always appreciated :)

Masterlist

"Aight ma," Fezco drawled in his familiar monotone voice, "so you just roll it up like this and then light it and smoke it, got it?"

"I think so?" she replied, grabbing a small sheet of rolling paper to try and mimic Fezco.

The entire scene was adorably endearing to watch as she struggled to skillfully roll a joint, her eyebrows furrowed and her bottom lip suspended between her teeth. They had known each other for a while now and since then they had only gotten closer. Contrary to her friends, she had never tried weed before, instead deciding to spend her time sober, but it was nearly the end of winter break and she didn't have anything better to do, which is why she was currently sitting on Fezco's couch.

"Oh- why is mine so ugly?" she cried, holding up her pitiful attempt at rolling a joint.

Fezco chuckled, eliciting a pout out of her, "It's fine ma, it just takes practice. Here I'll make you a better one." The entire process was like second nature to him, ingrained into his muscles through years of practice. "Here," he said, offering her the joint, "want me to light it for you?"

"Um," she hesitated, "yeah, I guess."

"Hey you don't have to do this if you don't want to," he reminded her, putting the joint down.

"No! No! I want to do it, it's just," she started, fidgeting with her hands. "You're a hundred percent sure this is safe right? Because I don't want to get addicted or anything and I read that doing drugs and alcohol at a young age can stunt your brain growth and make you more prone to addiction and I'm not ready for that kind of lifestyle," she rambled, her heart rate quickening and her breaths becoming frenzied.

"Hey, you'll be fine ma," he reassured her, gently taking her hand in his, "this stuff's pretty mild anyways, it's just meant to make you relax and calm down. I wouldn't give you nothing bad anyway. And if you do get addicted we'll get you to rehab," he joked, rubbing soft circles into her skin to help her calm down.

She took a deep breath, "Ok. Ok, let's do this, give me the joint," she said. With a nod, Fezco handed her the joint and delicately placed it in between her lips. He pulled a lighter out of his shirt pocket and beckoned for her to lean towards him so he could light hers, lighting his own afterwards.

He watched her carefully as she took an inhale of the smoke and laughed as she coughed on it.

"You good?" he asked.

"Ye- Yeah I'm good," she responded, screwing her eyes shut as she continued coughing. "When am I supposed to feel something?"

"Uh, it's different for everyone, maybe like fifteen minutes?"

"Okay, so… what do we do now?” she asked.

“Uh, whatever we want I guess.”

She hummed, “Hey you know what’s so weird?”

“What ma?”

“Apparently there’s nothing that’s naturally blue in nature. I mean think about it, blueberries are purple when you smash them and green when you peel them, and how many animals do you know that are blue?” she asked, waving her hands around enthusiastically.

Fezco thought for a moment, he didn’t spend a lot of his time outside, most of it was spent either at his house, parties, or his gas station, and when he did he wasn’t the type to spend his time cataloging colors.

“Wait… Isn’t the sky blue or have I been tripping this entire time?”

She paused, tilting her head to the side and squinting her eyes as she tried to deal with the new information.

“And butterflies,” he pointed out, “I’ve seen a few blue butterflies in documentaries and stuff, aren’t there blue flowers too?”

“Oh my god,” she whispered, looking at Fezco with wide eyes, “there are blue things in nature. Have I been lied to? How could I forget about the sky? What if I am gullible?”

“Nah it’s fine,” he reassured her, “hey you wanna know something else cool?” she nodded, “the Great Wall of China has this uh, program thing where they hire cats to walk along the wall and kill mice.”

“Really?” she asked, her eyebrows upturned and her eyes wide, “that is so cute, oh my god I have to see that.”

“Yeah, apparently they put little vests on them too so people know not to mess with them, I saw it in a documentary,” he continued.

“Oh. My. God. That is so adorable, imagine visiting the Great Wall of China and seeing cats! I think I’d scoop one up and take it home with me,” she gushed, grabbing onto Fezco’s arm.

“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking too but apparently they’re trained to always stay at the wall, so like if you try to pick it up it’ll run away. But they have little houses that you can visit as you walk.”

“Aw,” she pouted, “that’s kinda sad but I guess it makes sense, how do they train the cats anyways? I mean, I know that they have like… cat pageants, but can they really train cats to kill mice and stuff?”

“Uh- I- Yeah, I guess they can, apparently they have to go through a huge training program and when they complete they have a whole ceremony and everything.”

She gasped, “You’re lying that is- I wanna see these cats so badly, I have to look this up,” she said, pulling out her phone.

Fezco watched amused as she searched it up, only to find no relevant results, “Fezco?” she whined, “what was the name of the documentary you watched, nothing’s showing up.”

At this point, Fezco was struggling to bite back his laughter; tears were beginning to well up in his eyes and he was fighting to maintain a straight face. Despite his best efforts, the sight of her confused gaze was enough to tip him over the edge, causing him to emit a hearty chuckle.

“Oh- I- I’m sorry ma,” he giggled, trying to regain his composure. “There ain’t- there aren't any Great Wall of China cats, I was just trying to see how long you’d believe it,” he explained. She pouted, rolling her eyes and playfully slapping his arm.

“Screw you Fez,” she joked, pausing to take a deep breath. “Hey I think it’s finally hitting now. I feel… relaxed, like it feels like a wave of like — calm just washed over me, is that what it’s supposed to feel like?” she asked, taking another hit from the joint.

He nodded, “Yeah just- just enjoy it ma.” She hummed, looking ahead and taking a deep breath as she closed her eyes. He watched her carefully, admiring the way that her eyelashes fluttered slightly when they closed and the way a light tendril of smoke escaped from her open lips. He wasn’t exactly sure what it was, but in that moment, there was something about her that just allured him.

Before then, he hadn't really thought about her in a romantic sense, granted they had known each other for a while and they quickly became close, but it wasn't until then that Fezco realized just how happy she made him.

How her texts sparked a flame of excitement in his stomach and her laughter sparked a forest fire of felicity in his soul whenever he heard that blessed sound. How every glance in his direction set him ablaze and every touch ignited an intense inferno of emotions that heated up his heart and sent his insides into hyperdrive.

In that moment, as he watched her calmly take another puff of the joint, he realized that he wasn't sure if he could live without her. She seemed so serene, so comfortable, that he wasn't sure how he could have been so blind as to not have seen it before, she was undoubtedly the one for him.