#release me from this cisgender Hell

[im-the-antonymph-of-your-mom]

Maybe the solution is that all men's restrooms have no good reason to exist and most women's restrooms have no good reason to exist.

[kimbapisnotsushi]

the day had started off normal enough.

kenma had wrapped up a company-wide conference, tweeted a livestream announcement for eight p.m. that night, finished his homework at the office, and signed off on another product to be released all within a span of three hours hours. with the rest of his schedule free, he could go home, kick back, and relax until it was time to play misfiction. maybe he could make some more progress on animal crossing? or finally crack open pokemon legends: arceus?

that second one sounded like a better idea, kenma decided. he wasn't ashamed to admit that he had a crush on adamant AND iridia.

once he was back in the house, he chucked off his suit jacket and loosened his tie. being CEO of your own company, thought kenma, was entirely useless if you couldn't even wear a hoodie and sweatpants to all the important meetings.

he threw his bedroom door open and froze.

kuroo was lying on the bed, shirtless, with a head propped up on one hand. it was probably supposed to be seductive, but kenma had no idea why.

after all, everyone knew how much he was mean to kuroo. it was his number one character trait!

"hi, kitten," kuroo purred. "miss me?"

"kuro," kenma said, exasperated. "what are you doing?"

kuroo's smile faded. "did you not like it? i thought maybe if i gave you a cute nickname, you'd want to get back together."

kenma stared at him. "what?"

"kitten, didn't you hear?" kuroo's eyes filled with tears. "we can't be in a relationship anymore. childhood-friends-to-lovers is incest now!"

kenma scoffed. "as if i'd ever want to be lovers with you. i have hinata instead. he's so much more interesting, but once i get tired of him then i'll just ditch him and get a new boytoy to mess around with."

the bedroom door suddenly burst open. it was . . . oikawa tooru!

"how dare you!" he screeched. "shouyou deserves so much more! he and i spent a very passionate night together in rio, you know! it's all people ever talk about when they they think of us in brazil! there's absolutely no other meaning to it than just us hooking up!"

"whatever," kenma said, rolling his eyes. "i don't care as long as he's making me money."

"now, now," sugawara crooned (where did he even come from? hell if i know). "let's not fight. that is my innocent angel sweet summer child you're talking about, after all, i'm basically his mom - "

("i'm twenty-two!" shouted hinata from where i stuffed him in the margins. "and you know my mother is very much alive, sugawara-san! also, i FUCK! I FUCK HARD!!")

" - so naturally i know what's best for him!" sugawara continued. "and what he would want is for everyone to hold hands and get along. agreed?"

daichi grinned and nuzzled sugawara's cheek. "you're so smart! i can't wait to start a happy, cisgender-conforming, nuclear family with you."

a voice called from the hallway: "HEY HEY HEY!"

the bedroom door flew open again! how in the world has it not been broken yet???

bokuto cartwheeled into the room and puffed out his chest. when he saw that nobody was paying attention to him because they were too busy hissing at each other, he pouted.

"guys, come on!" he complained. "no fighting! let's have some fun instead!"

"it's no use, bokuto-san," akaashi said. "stereotypically-feminine traits such as being petty, catty, and more have been greatly exaggerated in us setters because we have been deemed more feminine due to what i assume is a vast and complex myriad of factors stemming from microaggressions intersecting with fans' understandings of the world amongst other things, but i expect you are too dumb to understand any of that."

bokuto stared blankly at akaashi. "huh?"

akaashi heaved a deep sigh, plagued by the burden of being the only one with brains in the relationship. "never mind. i still love you, and that's all you need to know."

"okay!" bokuto said cheerfully.

suddenly the bedroom door flew open for the third time that day! who even keeps closing it?

"i'm looking for hinata," said kageyama, poking his head past the doorframe. "has anyone seen him?"

immediately, everyone froze. their eyes shifted from kageyama to oikawa, who had swelled up with incandescent rage because he still retained everything from when he was fourteen and hadn't gone through any growth whatsoever since then.

atsumu whistled. "aw, geez. we might argue a lot, but at least we're not anythin' like that, right, omi-omi?"

"shut up and don't call me that," sakusa muttered darkly. "i hate you. i hate everyone. i hate being here. when was the last time anyone vacuumed in here?"

"if you hate it so much," atsumu said, smirking, "we could sneak away and make out somewhere. could even . . . you know . . . "

"why."

atsumu shrugged. "i am an inexplicably horny sex-on-legs bastard, apparently. especially with you. i mean, have you seen our ao3 tag?"

sakusa frowned. "we've barely had any canon time together."

"eh, people have worked with less." atsumu grinned. "'sides, i dig the whole enemies-to-lovers thing. just means you couldn't resist my charms, huh?"

sakusa would have responded with an audible gag, but . . . you guessed it! the bedroom door flew open AGAIN! this is a bedroom door that defies the laws of physics itself!

yachi stepped in and glanced around.

"weird," she said. "why is this bedroom so big? what are all of you doing?"

yachi hitoka, everyone. our only saving grace. she carries the sole brain cell and wrangles the childish dumb men, because they can't ever think for themselves. right? right?????

tsukishima scowled as he followed after her, trailed by yamaguchi. "ugh. do we have to be here?"

"tsukishima!" yachi scolded, swatting his arm. "be nice! you know these are all our friends!"

sigh.

yamaguchi didn't even greet anyone. he just stayed behind tsukki the whole time, looking like a mouse cornered in a city of cats.

suddenly, a BAM! made everyone jump! you have got to be kidding me! the bedroom door agai - oh, never mind! someone just kicked open the closet door!

"SHITTYKAWA!" iwaizumi roared. "get over here!"

oikawa''s eyes widened. "iwa-chan! what are you doing here?"

"looking for you, dumbass," iwaizumi snapped. "you haven't been taking care of yourself! but i'd never say it, because i'm an asshole. i'm a rock wall. i'm a hardened tough guy. i'm mean. i don't ever say or do anything nice. i throw volleyballs at your head for fun. i don't care about you at all. got it?"

("so you're saying he literally just came out of the closet for oikawa - " hinata began, before i shoved him back down into the margins.)

"no wonder i'm such an asshole," kindaichi marveled. "i guess i learned it all from iwaizumi-san! wow, he's a great role model."

being a stressed fourteen-year-old who didn't know how to handle another stressed fourteen-year-old that was causing said stress and eventually snapping from it and making a mistake, as people are prone to do, didn't really make you an asshole for the rest of your life, but hey. kindaichi didn't have to know any of that.

"it's getting kind of crowded in here, don't you think?" yachi asked, ever the voice of reason. "maybe we should get out and get some fresh air?"

ushijima nodded solemnly. wait - had he always been there?

"fresh air is good for the soul," he said. "not that i would know, because i'm an unfeeling robot who is strong and dominant and the epitome of masculinity. being stoic and silent are the only things i know. you should all bow down before my superior strength."

everyone stared at him.

suddenly, the bedroom door burst open AGAIN! this shouldn't be possible! it was already open in the first place! I KEPT IT OPEN! HOW DO THEY KEEP DOING THIS?

"guys!" hinata ran in, panting. "i finally did it! i escaped the margins!"

"the what?" sugawara asked.

hinata waved him off. "never mind that. it's about time to wrap up. we've put on a good show, but we should end it, don't you think?"

"hinata's right," kenma admitted. "i didn't think i could do this much longer, anyways."

oikawa made a face. "me neither. sorry, tobio. i hope you didn't take anything to heart."

"i'm okay," kageyama said. "i know better, now. we both know better."

"that we do," oikawa agreed warmly. "and weren't you looking for hinata? that's why you were here, right? you were the only one of us not part of an act."

kageyama blinked, as if he had forgotten all about that. not that anyone could blame him - i'm not even sure what the hell just happened.

"right," he said, then grabbed hinata's arm and tugged him close. "hey. i love you."

"what!" hinata squawked. "kageyama, what - "

kageyama shrugged, but red began to bloom across his cheeks. "i'd never joke about that. i just wanted you to know."

hinata beamed at him, brighter than the sun. "aw, kageyama! i love you too! but can we please wrap this up? there's no food in the margins, and i'm starving!"

"okay, everyone!" bokuto called out. "on the count of three! ready? one, two, three - "

"HAPPY APRIL FOOL'S DAY!" everyone shouted.

the end :)

[chiyos-oc-depot]

Dean, Aria, Big Bee, and Maxson! 💕💕💕

I have no idea what this meme is, i think that long one i recently reblogged LMAO ok here we go under a cut bc this is gonna get W O R D Y

Full Name: Dean Waller  Gender/Sexuality: Trans Male, Home Of Sexual Pronouns: He/His Ethnicity/Species: Biracial (White father, black mother) Birthplace/Birthdate: Rivet City, July 13 2258 Guilty Pleasures: Whiskey and The Adventures Of Herbert Daring Dashwood Phobias: Swamps (Point Lookout DLC) Famous For: Being the Lone Wanderer Arrested For?: He’d punch a cop and he’d be right for it Ship With: My friend’s LW and Butch DeLoria  Who Will Murder Them: The Enclave (theyve tried so many times Fave Movie/Book: He doesn’t do a lot of reading, but he likes super hero holotapes Talent/Powers: He brought a baseball bat to a Super Mutant fight and won Why Love: He’s the Lone Wanderer Why Hate: He’s the Lone Wanderer How They Change: Transitioned while in Vault 101 and went from an angry punk to a slightly less angry punk Why I Love: Him me. 

Full Name: Aria Bodhi Gender/Sexuality: Cisgender Bisexual Pronouns: She/Her Ethnicity/Species: Desi  Birthplace/Birthdate: Concord, CT April 14th 2035 Guilty Pleasures: Those bad romance novels, like The Huntsman’s Game or someshit Phobias: Enclosed spaces (boy that vault sure was fun) Famous For: Being the General of the Minutemen Arrested For?: Good luck finding charges that will stick when you’re booking the best lawyer in Connecticut biiiiitch Ship With: Preston Garvey was romanced, but I ship her with my friend’s SoSu Who Will Murder Them: Probs the Institute or the Brotherhood bc she embarrased Elder Manchild- I mean Elder Maxon Fave Movie/Book: Treasure of the Sierra Madre and Animal Farm Talent/Powers: She will mother you. You will not escape her pure mom. Why Love: She rebuilt the Minutemen Why Hate: She’s not very manipulable How They Change: She was never much of a violent person but boy when the Wasteland takes your baby and kills your husband, a person can change Why I Love: I wish she was my mom

Full Name: “Big Bee” is their name, what are you a cop Gender/Sexuality: Nonbinary Pansexual Pronouns: “Boss” They/them works too Ethnicity/Species: Black Birthplace/Birthdate: Stilwater, MI February 17th 1976 Guilty Pleasures: None Phobias: Aliens Famous For: Being the boss of the Third Street Saints Arrested For?: Murder, Assault, Armed Robbery, Loitering, Public Intoxication, Public Indecency, Bringing A Gun Into The Theater During The Release Of 2009 Hit ‘Drag Me To Hell’ In Case “Some Damn Demons Decided To Get Cocky” Ship With: ...... man idk I never thought about it Who Will Murder Them: *unfurls a list five blocks long* Fave Movie/Book: From Justin To Kelly Talent/Powers: Can make a Dildo Bat look like it could really kill you Why Love: They’re a good person to people who deserve it, and regularly rescues sex workers from abusive pimps Why Hate: Total Bastard How They Change: I’ve only played 2-4 so IDK how they are in 1 but they don’t really change much Why I Love: Fun Allowed

Full Name: Maxson Farroway Gender/Sexuality: Trans Male Demisexual Pronouns: He/His Ethnicity/Species: Caucasian  Birthplace/Birthdate: man idk what’s outside yharnam or when that game takes place xD Guilty Pleasures: ........big monsters...... Phobias: Turning into a beast like Gasciogne Famous For: Being the Hunter Arrested For?: Are there cops in Yharnam?? Ship With: My friend made a very handsome gatorman for him Who Will Murder Them: The entire population of Yharnam Fave Movie/Book: He likes poetry Talent/Powers: Using a threaded cane  and actually doing damage which is impossible Why Love: He wants to help people Why Hate: Man you tell me why  How They Change: He goes from being focused on hunting beasts to realizing that humans might be the worst beasts of all Why I Love: Pretty and also monster-fuckery

[smallhatlogan]

Why Nonbinary Borderlands Fans are Mad About Zer0′s Pronouns, In a Timeline

2012

Zer0 was introduced in Borderlands 2 as a character meant to be absurdly mysterious in almost every way.  Zer0 is apparently not their real name, they seem not to be human (but it’s unclear if they’re an alien, robot, or something else entirely), no one knows where they came from, etc. Still, in Borderlands 2, they defaulted to he/him, and was assumed male.  It’s worth noting that Borderlands 2 also featured Bloodwing, Mordecai’s pet alien bird. In the original Borderlands Bloodwing was referred to as he/him, but switched between games to she/her. This is explained outside the game by Burch, who says that Bloodwing’s species changes gender halfway through life.

2013

Gearbox released the Diamond Plate Loot Chest. In it was the “Pandoran Gazette” an in-universe newspaper. It included an “Ask Doctor Tannis” advice column, the last question being:

Dear Doctor Tannis,

I have heard you are acquainted with the vault hunter known as "Zer0". I have been meaning to ask - that's not really his true name, is it? Hell, maybe Zer0 isn't even a "he". Do you have any details on this mysterious figure?

- Curious in Old Haven

Dear Curious,

I am indeed acquainted with the towering stack of leather and poorly-written poetry that so many refer to as "Zer0". As you have correctly noted, "Zer0" is not the Vault Hunter's true name. Zer0's actual name and gender are (CONTINUED ON PAGE 9)

Page 9 was not included. To my knowledge, this was where it was first seeded that Zer0 may not be male. 

November 2, 2014

 In a panel titled “Playing as a female character panel - Does it Matter” during PAX Australia, Gearbox CEO Randy Pitchford discussed Zer0’s gender:

“The other things that’s interesting to me is sometimes when there’s characters that don’t have a gender or have an ambiguous gender I’ll choose them...In Borderlands 2 we left Zer0’s identity very ambiguous. What gender is he?” *crowd laughs* “We need better pronouns, don’t we? Don’t we need better pronouns?” (Timestamp) 

“What’s the gender of Zer0?….That says more about me than it does say about Zer0, the fact that I use the pronoun he when I describe Zer0. In fact, um, we purposely have left Zer0’s gender ambiguous. There’s a lot of folks at Gearbox that like to think that maybe Zer0’s of a particular species that doesn’t have gender- That is more androgynous.”  (Timestamp) 

(Timeline continues under cut)

November 25th, 2014

The first episode of Tales From the Borderlands was released. Anthony Burch answered this question on his Ask.fm: 

To my memory, tumblr blew up with excited nonbinary fans. Prior to seeing screenshots of this, I really didn’t have interest in Borderlands. The idea of a cool nonbinary character who used they/them pronouns, admist a virtual desert of representation, made me play through the entire series as fast as I could so I could catch up in time to see these pronouns in action. For a long time afterwards I’ve seen other nonbinary people expressing the same sudden interest in the series after learning this about Zer0. Because, yeah, it was a pretty big deal. 

2015: 

Zer0 appeared again in episode 5 of Tales, released almost a year later after the first. Their voice had changed to one that sounds more ambiguous in terms of gender, but Zer0 was still being referred to as “he/him”. Anthony Burch was one of the writers on this episode. Afterward, he answered this on his ask.fm:

Since he claimed it was honestly a mistake, nonbinary fans held out hope. There were posts going around tumblr clarifying that yes, Zer0 was still nonbinary, and still was meant to use they/them pronouns. It was just a mistake made by a thoughtless cisgender man. Of course, then some presumably-cisgender fan goes to Burch, and validates him, because clearly a character can’t just up and CHANGE pronouns! It’s not like anyone ever does that in real life! 

It’s not a fair point. It’s a dumb point from someone who has no stakes in this.  (Another thing worth noting is it has only been other characters who referred to Zer0 as he/him. Zer0 has never made a point of standing up for their own pronouns.) After this Burch just kind of gives up on the whole idea. 

This statement about characters being “progressive enough not to misgender someone” is weird, because the characters, even the sympathetic ones, in Borderlands have often blatantly failed to be progressive. The original Borderlands has the worst of it, it’s your basic 2009 edgelord shit. There’s blatant misogyny, not to mention the extremely homophobic joke surrounding Mr. Shank (and within that the transphobic joke about his girlfriend being a man in a wig). Burch only started writing for the game in Borderlands 2, however. It’s a huge step up, but there’s still a lot of bigotry. Captain Scarlett makes a “no fatties” joke. Mr Torgue fat-shames Ellie. Mr Torgue uses the R-slur. Multiple characters slut-shame Moxxi. Incest jokes surrounding Scooter, who also is implied to be a huge creep towards women.  Heck, there’s the entirety of Sir Hammerlock’s Big Game Hunt DLC is a racist, colonialist mess. Its antagonist is implied to be gay, one of two gay male characters introduced thus far, and he’s a pathetic, creepy stalker.  This is the game series where there are two common enemy types whose names are straight up ableist.  So citing characters as being “too progressive” rings hollow with this context.  Besides, trans people are often misgendered, even by people who’d otherwise be considered progressive.  Burch left Gearbox the same year, so he’s not entirely to blame for what anything afterwards. He just set a pretty bad precedent.

2019:

Gearbox did seem to take the “make a new nonbinary character” thing to heart.  They give us Fl4k, again a nonhuman character, who uses they/them pronouns. And okay, I love Fl4k, but like most nonbinary people I’m tired of all nonbinary characters being robots, aliens, or otherwise non-human in appearance (a trope that yes, Zer0 falls into as well). Still, Fl4k is cute and having a nonbinary playable character who uses they/them pronouns is cool! I definitely plan to play as them. Many nonbinary fans were suspicious though, it seemed likely that Fl4k might be meant to appease us and they could keep on using he/him for Zer0. We were proven right when they released the gameplay preview on May 1st. We hear Zer0 called “he”. None of us are surprised, but it still hurts, we felt like we’d been baited with Zer0.  Besides, why can only one character at a time be nonbinary? Why can a bird change pronouns but not a person? Why was a writer allowed to go out and promise this if it wasn’t going to be followed through on (yes, he didn’t use the word “promise” but telling a marginalized group something like that isn’t something you can just “forget” without people feeling betrayed)?

And that’s where we’re at, as of me writing this. I feel like there are some comments I’m bound to get on this, so I’ll answer them here: Why are you making such a big deal about this?

Me typing a few paragraphs isn’t making a big deal. But I feel misled and baited. After a few years of no clarification after Burch promising us they/them Zer0, a lot of people hung on to hope. A lot of people became big fans of Zer0 because they’re a fun, badass, nonbinary character. Their design is really, really rad! And heck, they were (at least for a time) the most popular playable character in Borderlands 2. Telling everyone, in-game, “actually Zer0 was never really a he, they’ve been a ‘they’ this whole time” would have been HUGE. Like how Blizzard made Overwatch’s poster girl, Tracer, canonically a lesbian, and then revealed their badass gruff guy (who fills the roll of your basic FPS protagonist), Soldier 76, to be a gay man. They/them are still not widely accepted pronouns. For us who use them, it’s difficult to convince people not to default to something gendered. Especially when we fail to appear completely androgynous. I’ve been told Zer0 can’t possibly be nonbinary because they have a deep voice and “masculine” body shape. But real nonbinary people come in all shapes and sizes with all kinds of voices! 

What about Fl4k?

As I said, I’m very happy about Fl4k. They fall into some problematic tropes even more than Zer0 (as Fl4k is verified beyond a doubt to be a robot, and has an “acceptable” androgynous shape to them). I don’t know their voice yet, I wouldn’t be surprised if it also fell into the category of “acceptably androgynous”. Fl4k is new and already “they/them”. Zer0 is an established character who already has a lot of fans among a bunch of different groups of people. There’s definite value in demonstrating a character can switch pronouns, since pretty much every nonbinary person who uses they/them haven’t used those pronouns their entire life. Besides, there can and should be more than one nonbinary character.  Fl4k being nonbinary but not Zer0 kind of feels like Gearbox expects us to shut up and be happy with what we’re given.

What about nonbinary people who use he/him pronouns? Can’t Zer0 be that?

Those people are real and valid.  However, we’re talking about real people versus a fictional character. I admit I’d feel better if it was stated, in-game, “Yeah, Zer0 is nonbinary and uses he/him”. But even then, it’s REALLY EASY for cisgender people to ignore that information and write Zer0 off as male (And knowing gearbox, they’d put it somewhere easily missed. I’ve surprised so many straight people who’d played through Borderlands 2 with the fact that Sir Hammerlock is gay, simply because it was only verified in a side quest). And you know, we were promised they/them, so like, not doing that kind of sucks. Also I think it’s really important to normalize they/them.

So what are we supposed to do about this? What do you expect to change, anyways?

Honestly? I don’t expect Gearbox to fix this so late. In all likelihood, that’s way too much dialogue to re-record. But I still think it’s worth making our voices heard. We shouldn’t silently put up with this kind of thing. Other people will pull the same shit, being either unsympathetic or unaware of the harm they do. And heck, it’s unlikely, but maybe Gearbox will at least acknowledge their wrongdoing.

Also, it’s maybe worthwhile to ignore canon, and keep referring to Zer0 as “they/them”, or if this whole thing is news to you, it’s not too late to start. It would mean a lot to nonbinary fans, and make a point about how Zer0 is regarded.

[sea-and-storm]

KJRN, THE CRAFTY CORSAIR

* Here’s the redone version of Kjrn! Ignore the other profile going around!

[ BASIC INFORMATION ]

[FULL NAME]   Kjrn Fythe.

[PRONOUNCED]   Kee-ehrn Faiythe (rhymes with lithe).

[ALIASES]   None at present. At least, none to which she’ll answer.

[GENDER]   Female.

[AGE]  Somewhere in her 80s-90s, but appears approx. early to mid-thirties.

[NAMEDAY]   21st Sun of the Fourth Umbral Moon (8/21).

[RACE]   Rava Viera

[RELIGION]   Non-practicing.

[LANGUAGES]   Common, Dalmascan.

[ACCENT]   Icelandic, by real world standards.

[HANDEDNESS]   Ambidextrous.

[ APPEARANCE ]

[HAIR]   A mid-back length mess of loose brunette waves, generally pulled forward to drape over one shoulder. Soft and silky smooth, its care obviously involved much love and attention – and vanity.Touch at your own risk.

[EARS]   Short-furred, not overly long, and standing straight upright, with the same brown of her hair giving way into some white dappling towards their tips. 

[EYES]   Pale, rosy pink.

[COMPLEXION]   Medium tan with coppery undertones.

[HEIGHT]   6′2″ (before ears)  -  7′0″ (with ears)

[BUILD]   She’s neither muscle-rippling powerhouse nor dramatically curved bombshell, but equal enough between both to boast both a bit of shapeliness as well as being sturdier than one might expect.

[POSTURE]   Upright, cool, and cocksure are all good ways to put it.

[SCARS]   If she has any scars, she goes to great lengths to conceal them and she’s certainly not going to tell you about them.

[MARKINGS]   A set of three white markings almost always don her face, set in patterns of lines and dots. It’s an odd, almost tribal touch to a woman who for all else seems to rebuke her more traditional origins. She doesn’t seem wont to speak of their meaning.

[MANNER OF DRESS]   Kjrn is quite fond of nice clothing that shows off her wealth, and she has somewhat of a weakness for jewelry and gems. It’ll be a cold day in the seventh hell before you catch her willingly garbed in something drab or of low quality make.

[ COMBAT SKILL ]

[COMBAT CLASS]   Gunslinger.

[MELEE PROFICIENCY]   None  |  Low  |  Intermediate  |  High  |  Masterful

[RANGED PROFICIENCY]   None  |  Low  |  Intermediate  |  High  |  Masterful

[MAGICAL PROFICIENCY]   None  |  Low  |  Intermediate  |  High  |  Masterful

[HEALING PROFICIENCY]   None  |  Low  |  Intermediate  |  High  |  Masterful

[ATTRIBUTES] - - -  STRENGTH:   11 (+0) - - -  DEXTERITY:    15 (+2) - - -  CONSTITUTION:   11 (+0) - - -  INTELLIGENCE:   15 (+2) - - -  WISDOM:   13 (+1) - - -  CHARISMA:   14 (+2)

[WEAPONRY]  A 6-shot pepperbox revolver (mid range), single shot rifle (long range), and a thin-bladed estoc (close range) as a final line of defense.

[ARMOR]  Usually not terribly much. She prefers not to be weighed down, so if she’s going to wear armor, it’s usually in the form of leathers.

[COMBAT STRENGTHS]   Excellent aim. Fights well at mid- to long distances. Quick on her feet, both physically and mentally. Resourceful.

[COMBAT WEAKNESSES]  Struggles in close quarters or when in need of a reload. Not the strongest or most durable, physically. Particularly sensitive to magical effects cast upon her;  too much aetheric exposure, even of the positive variety, may trigger a brief berserk state until the excess aether is expended and exhaustion takes over.

[ EARLY YEARS ]

[HOMELAND]   Good luck finding out, because she’s not telling.

[PARENTS]   Mjra Fythe (mother)  -  Father Unknown.

[SIBLINGS]   Aela Fythe (younger sister)

[CLAN ROLE]   Huntress, tracker.

[CLAN STATUS]   Exiled.

[REASON(S) FOR LEAVING]   Kjrn left her homeland not once but twice, and that’s about as much detail as she will willingly impart on anyone without at least a fair few rounds being bought for her first.

[ LATER YEARS ]

[PAST RESIDENCE]   Dalmasca.

[PAST OCCUPATION]   Magitek salvager.

[PAST AFFILIATION]   Dalmascan Resistance.

[PAST FINANCIAL STATUS]   Moderate, comfortable.

[PAST SOCIAL STATUS]   Respected.

[PAST RELATIONSHIPS]   Pria Atoel, wife - deceased.

[PAST FRIENDSHIPS]  A number of friends and allies from the Resistance, as well as other Dalmascan citizens. (Open to background connections!)

[REASON(S) FOR LEAVING]   Left Dalmasca and set herself to wandering aimlessly once her wife, Pria, had passed.

[ PRESENT DAY ]

[RESIDENCE]   The open skies aboard her own small airship, the Fortuneseeker.

[OCCUPATION]   Some would define her lack of qualms about taking anything that isn’t nailed down (and some thing that are, with enough effort) as piracy or flat-out thievery. Kjrn prefers to call herself a simple treasure hunter and merchant of myriad miscellanea.

[AFFILIATIONS]   None actively, but still sympathetic to the Dalmascan Resistance and occasionally will send a bit of extra coin or goods their way through old contacts.

[FINANCIAL STATUS]   Well-off, or that’s what she’d like you to believe. Even when the money isn’t so good, she certainly won’t let on as if she’s broke.

[SOCIAL STATUS]   Hasn’t really stuck around in one place long enough in recent history to establish any roots, but there’s a few places that she may or may not be wanted by local authorities.

[RELATIONSHIP STATUS]   Widowed, shows little interest in courting anyone.

[PRESENT FRIENDSHIPS]   Keeps in touch with a few people from her Resistance days, but not many that she could call a close friend. (Open to connections!)

[VICES]   You can readily find Kjrn drinking, smoking, and even occasionally indulging in some drug use. But her worst vice of all is gambling. She can hardly turn down a good game of chance, especially when there’s betting involved.

[ ROMANCE & SEX ]

[GENDER IDENTITY]   Cisgender Female.

[ROMANTIC ORIENTATION]  Demi-homoromantic.

[EMOTIONAL ROLE]   Submissive  |  Dominant  |  Switch  |  Unsure

[RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES]   Her biggest tendency is to just not get herself into a relationship, period. Relationships are like anchors that weigh her down from the skies she’s come to love most of all. 

[LOVE LANGUAGE]  Kjrn isn’t much of a verbal lover. She’ll drop an ‘I love you’ every now and then, but her love speaks through things like lavish gifts and pampering.

[SEXUAL ORIENTATION]   Homosexual.

[SEXUAL ROLE]   Submissive  |  Dominant  |  Switch  |  Unsure

[LIBIDO]   Average. She’s not bereft of want, nor is ruled by base physical needs.

[ATTRACTED TO]   Confidence. Wittiness. Ability to hold a good conversation. Thrillseekers. Fellow lovers of the skies. Physical attractiveness. Money.

[TURN OFFS]   Shyness. Indecisiveness. Clinginess. Jealousy. Lack of intelligence. Anyone afraid of heights.

[ PERSONALITY TRAITS ]

Extroverted / In Between / Introverted

Disorganized / In Between / Organized

Close Minded / In Between / Open Minded

Calm / In Between / Anxious

Disagreeable / In Between / Agreeable

Cautious / In Between / Reckless

Patient / In Between / Impatient

Outspoken / In Between / Reserved

Leader / In Between / Follower

Empathetic / In Between / Apathetic

Optimistic / In Between / Pessimistic

Traditional / In Between / Modern

Hard-working / In Between / Lazy

Cultured / In Between / Uncultured

Loyal / In Between / Disloyal

Faithful / In Between / Unfaithful

[ HOOKS ]

TREASURE HUNTER Kjrn presently makes her living by delving into ruins, tombs, and other such places most folk have no business wandering into in search of anything she might turn a profit on. Want some company on a good ol’ dungeon delving? Or your character responds to a posting she’s made seeking assistance? 

SKY PIRATE Annnd sometimes when the more legally palatable treasure hunting jobs are lacking, Kjrn may or may not turn to a bit of piracy to fill the gaps. She’s targeted everything from small Garlean crafts to merchant vessels, usually trying to avoid violence where she can. Maybe your character was on one of these vessels, or has come to seek one of the bounties placed upon her for said crimes? Or maybe – just maybe – your character is interested in signing on with her?

CAPTAIN OF THE FORTUNESEEKER As mentioned before, Kjrn owns her own small airship by the name of the Fortuneseeker. She claims the title of captain upon her, with a crew of about ten (NPCs) underneath her. Maybe you’re looking to sign onto the crew? Or maybe you just have a more temporary need for someone with an airship to ferry yourself or any goods – legal or otherwise – from one place to the next? The sky’s the limit!

MERCHANT OF MYRIAD MISCELLANEA Naturally, after a victorious venture in dungeoneering or plundering, Kjrn will usually come out of it with a number of items in need of off-loading. She has a particular eye for anything shiny and beautiful like gems and jewelry, but she’s also been known to come back with anything from weapons to magical items to sell to whomsoever is inclined to pay good coin. Come buy something shiny from her!

DALMASCAN RESISTANCE AFFILIATE Kjrn and her wife, Pria, were once fairly respected members of the Resistance, salvaging Garlean magitek to refit and use against them when all was said and done. However, after the former’s passing, Kjrn stepped down from her active position in the Resistance to take on a more auxiliary role by helping support it financially. She still maintains connections to the Resistance to this day, and some still haven’t given up the hope that she might eventually return to the fight.

GAMBLING ADDICT Kjrn’s vice of choice would be a good drink, some good company, and a good game of cards. Or dice. Or anything, really, so long as there are stakes involved. It’s a pretty general and basic hook, but hey! It works!

GOT OTHER IDEAS? Maybe you’ve read through this profile and something other idea than these hooks has sparked your muse? If so, let me know! This isn’t an exhaustive list of hooks, so I’d be excited to hear your ideas!

[ OOC ]

[CALL ME]   Jali, Ghoa, Kjrn.. Anything but weird overly familiar petnames! (She/her)

[I AM…]    A 27-year-old woman who works a full time job and plays multiple tabletop games as well as playing FFXIV, so my schedule can be kinda all over the place. I also love cats and really bad puns and writing drabbles that make people’s hearts hurt.

[AVAILABILITY]    Most weekday evenings from 5PM - 10PM Central. Weekends, pretty much whenever. Not available most Wednesdays, and some Thursdays/Saturdays due to various D&D games! Also please note that Kjrn is an alt character. Meaning I won’t be available for RP on her 24/7! Please be sure you’re okay with this before reaching out!

[IN GAME NAME]   Crafty Corsair.

[SERVER]  Balmung (Crystal), but willing to world-visit for RP!

[PREFERRED RP METHODS]   Discord has quickly become my #1 RP platform because I can post even when I’m busy with something else or when I’m having a slow day at work. I can also do in-game RP, usually so long as we work out a day/time in advance! Sometimes I can do impromptu RP requests, but not often!

[HARD NO’S]  

RP of any sort with real-life minors. Sorry, I just don’t feel comfortable writing with anyone under eighteen!

Characters that are minors ICly are tentatively fine, but I will absolutely not RP any romantic, sexual, mature, dark, or otherwise questionable themes with such a character;  and likewise, I will not RP with anyone whose minor character engages in this sort of RP with others, either.

Fetishistic characters, i.e. “f*ta”, “tr*p”, etc. Actual transgender, agender, genderfluid, etc. characters are 100% fine, but if your character is written not as a fleshed out person but as thinly veiled ERP-bait, I’m not interested.

OOC Romance or possessiveness or clinginess. Just… don’t. I don’t want to date you. I don’t want to sext with you. I don’t want to be up your butt 24/7, and I sure as hell don’t want you up mine. RP partners with reasonable personal space boundaries only need apply, please!

ERP-heavy/only connections.  I’m not opposed to sexual RP coming up, but I ask that it not be the goal of every single or even a good deal of the RP we do. To be entirely honest, I much prefer fade-to-black as opposed to writing out such scenes, anyway. Please respect this! Pressuring for ERP is immediate grounds for ceasing all RP and potentially all contact entirely.

[hipsofsteel]

bro you gotta tell me more about chris

Gladly! The dad man is important to me. And so, we meet…

Christopher “Chris” Lewis Joseph, personification of Eastern Oregon/Nyo!Oregon

Credit to crikadelic, who will not be tagged in this post for reasons.

Physical Description

At 5′10, with dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, and a slightly olive skin tone, Chris is a very good looking man. He’s got well trimmed facial hair that can be a bit scruffy and thin, but he maintains it well. He’s well muscled from his work as a cattle rancher, and general farmwork. He is half Nez Perce (Nimiipuu) and half English, born in the area of present day Joseph, Oregon in 1806, and celebrates his birthday on February 14th.

Chris’s face claim is model Julian Schratter. He has no voice claims at the moment.

Personality

Christopher and Beverly were cut from the same cloth in some respects. Controlling either of them is nearly impossible. He’s a force of nature when he wants to be, stubborn and insistent and nearly impossible to be forced to do something he refuses to do. He’s as free-spirited and wild as he wants to be.

At the same time, he shows a remarkable degree of caution and thoughtful behavior that his twin sister tends to lack. If not caught in an urgent situation or in his own whirlwind of passions, he approaches things with well-thought out responses and is a calm and collected and highly intelligent man. He’s a great person to go to for advice.

He’s also very attached to those he forms close relationships with, either as family or friends. He’ll always have his twin sister’s back, and anyone who finds themselves in the position of being “adopted” as his child has just gained an ally and parental figure who will love them and defend them endlessly. Although, dispute it as he does, he does have a favorite child (Adam).

Sexuality and Gender

Behold, the one and only heterosexual cisgender OC I’ve made for my States. Chris is an incredible ally however, who openly supports all his friends and family.

Also, his type of women is as follows, so I promise you can trust him.

And he means it.

Religion

Chris has a personally styled fusion between Christianity and the indigenous religions he was raised around on the Columbian Plateau. He is not really big on explaining his faith as it’s a deeply personal and conflicting matter even for himself, so I don’t have much more to say than that for him. However, one of his two most irreplaceable objects he owns is a copy of Henry Harmon Spalding’s translation of the Book of Matthew into Nez Perce. Take from that what you will.

Employment

Chris has previously made his living as a farmer and for a brief while as a blacksmith, but nowadays, he owns a cattle range and is a full-time rancher, with a large range area in Central/Eastern Oregon. He also raises horses on the side, both as a secondary income and to continue traditions of horse breeding he was raised in with the Nez Perce.

Pets

I’ll try to keep this brief, but Chris has seven animals he considers close pets/his long lifespan has affected theirs, so I’ll divide it into sections.

Dogs

Zip and Lucky

Zip is Chris’s working dog, a purebred blue heeler who knows how to move a cow herd as well as he knows that when Chris puts on dark and clean pants, he’s leaving the house for meetings (sadness) and when he puts on less nice “farm” pants, they’re working stock that day (happiness!)

Lucky is based on Rincon, the dog owned by Chris’s faceclaim. Lucky is a beloved pet mutt and gets to come with Chris and Zip to work cattle, although his main job is to sit and stay since he has zero Cow Sense.

Horses

Jackrabbit, Strawberry, Juniper, and Celilo

Is Chris a dog or cat person? Neither, he’s a horse person (followed by dogs).

Jackrabbit is Chris’s horse he’s had the longest, serving as Chris’s warhorse during his youth. He’s one of the fastest horses any of the western states own, and he’s very selective about who’s allowed to ride him (Christopher, Beverly, Adam, and Helen are the only people who can). He’s a wild tempered buckskin Nez Perce Horse stallion.

Strawberry is a red roan Appaloosa that Chris has had nearly as long as he’s had Jackrabbit. She’s a gentle mare and very good with people.

Juniper is a Kiger Mustang mare, slightly more testy than Strawberry, and more prone to being spooked, but she’s a good horse.

Celilo is a palomino American Quarter Horse gelding, bought to be a reliable pack-horse for Chris. He’s as gentle as Strawberry and loves people.

Jackrabbits

Little Lady or “Lady”

Once upon a time, Chris and Juniper accidentally spooked a mother jackrabbit into the claws of a hawk, and then nearly immediately found her babies. Chris raised the three kits and released them into the wild shortly afterwards, but Lady stuck around his house. She appears pretty reliably every year, and seems to have been affected by his long lifespan, so he gave her a name and treats her a bit more like a pet than anything else.

He loves to joke that Jackrabbit met an actual jackrabbit, and everyone around him glares at him.

Relationships with other States

Family first

Western Oregon/Oregon

Credit to crikadelic again.

Sometimes, your twin sister is a lumberjack lesbian (quite literally on both counts) with arms made of steel and one hell of a right hook. Also she’s way more liberal than you, and politically you get dragged along with whatever she wants.

Ironically, once upon a time, Beverly wasn’t the main personification of the Oregon Territory. It wasn’t until American settlement picked up that the power of the state swung to her. Before then, Christopher held most of the power, but this was also when the Oregon Territory including all of Washington, Idaho, parts of Montana and Wyoming, and since Chris was entirely east of the Cascades, well, it made sense that he held the upper hand. Only later as the size of the land they represented shrank did power trade hands.

As independent as Beverly is, and as willing to tell her twin to fuck off, they have a very close relationship. They tell each other off, and sparks fly between them quite often, with Beverly usually being the one to storm off while Chris remains a wall of a human being. But they’ll quietly make up out of sight later, and then be right back to joking around and teasing each other.

And when it comes to advice, Beverly has no closer confidant than her twin, and often shows him the vulnerability that no one else sees. They trust each other implicitly, knowing that despite their differences, they won’t lead the other astray. No one could ask for a better twin sister.

Eastern Washington/Nyo!Washington

Credit to ME! 

First off, he’s the one on the right, the one on the left is Idaho (we’ll get to him in a bit).

Adam Landes-Bush is the original cause of a radiation of dad energy that seeps from Christopher at pretty much every moment of every day. After retrieving Adam from the Whitman Mission shortly after the Whitman Massacre, Chris basically said “My weird looking white kid now” and ran with it.

He and Adam had to learn to live together fast with help from Helen, as Adam is mute, and Helen taught them both Plains Sign Talk. But Chris adored Adam and taught him how to shoot, hunt, ride, and accepted his limitations when he hit them. He did his best to give Adam a good life, even when it meant sending him away from impending war to live with Martha, who he barely knew then.

They remain close, sharing more culturally with each other and Idaho than they sometimes do with the western halves of their states. Chris was the first person Adam came out to, and the fact that Chris instantly accepted allowed him to embrace his identity as a gay man in a time that it was socially, at best, simply not talked about. Chris would and has killed to protect this boy, and would gladly do so again.

Western Washington/Washington

Credit to crikadelic

Martha, Adam’s younger sister, views Christopher as a father figure, and so, in turn, he’s a little nicer to her than he is to Beverly sometimes.

Christopher and Martha met at a crossroads in both their lives. Christopher had been involved in the Nez Perce War and come home feeling lost and alone. Beverly had taken off around the same time to run wild in the Southwest, leaving a still very young Martha to fend for herself and Clark, and now Adam. Martha was struggling to handle the load, and Christopher needed to find his place in this unfamiliar world, and fast.

They were able to cooperate quickly, Chris taking on the workload of the farm and helping with Clark, allowing Martha and Adam to start growing and learning the responsibilities they needed to run a state. And in exchange, Martha taught Chris how to read and write English, and helped him improve his skills in speaking the language. 

To this day, they haven’t forgotten this point in their lives, and tend to critique each other much more carefully than they critique the other halves of their states.

End of Family, onto other states

Idaho

Credit to crikadelic

Ah, Clark Ashley, who exists in the most interesting little place in Chris’s mind. He’s friends with this guy, almost a father figure, hell, helped raise the little twerp. At the same time, he’s made Adam cry before, so he could also wring his neck. 

Clark and Chris have a very good and amiable relationship in general, and enjoy the other’s company. Clark admires Chris a lot, and Chris views him like a much younger version of Beverly, carrying many of her same qualities of extreme stubbornness and rampant emotions, as much as Clark will say he’s nothing like her.

However, the root of Chris’s constant problems with Clark relies mainly on one fact. Clark’s internalized homophobia at himself that affects his and Adam’s relationship, which has swayed from deeply involved romance to barely tolerating being in the same room. When Clark and Adam get into spats with their push me, pull you, almost a relationship, Chris gets caught in the middle, and always takes Adam’s side in the fight. He’s tried to even discourage them from pursuing each other at times to end the constant back and forth, but it’s never worked.

However, as Clark’s started to accept himself in the 21st century, Chris has been the one person who’s been able to reassure him that , yes, for some crazy reason, Adam still likes you, and Chris thinks that this time, for real, Clark is unlearning the toxic culture he absorbed. So, he wishes that crazy kid lots of luck.

Southern California/California

Credit to crikadelic

To say Roberto and Christopher are antagonistic would be the nicest way of putting it. Despite pretty much being of equal levels of importance to Beverly in her family, they cannot tolerate each other.

Roberto blamed Christopher for some of the worst of Beverly’s behaviors in the 1870s and 1880s, and Christopher blamed Roberto for stifling Beverly so much that she hadn’t been able to emotionally mature. Both arguments had some validity, and yet, a divide in opinions had begun.

Nowadays, Chris and Roberto are mainly antagonistic on pure principle. Chris represents a part of Oregon that is noticeably more red, and Roberto represents 55 blue electoral college votes. Chris has been considerably affected by Californication (large real estate development projects generally seen as similar to those in California), and Roberto sees him as very set in the past and unable to move forward.

Let’s just say Beverly has to work out the holiday seating arrangements very carefully.

Montana

Credit to crikadelic

Helen Rankin has been a friend since Chris met her when the Nez Perce went to trade with the Crow. She taught him sign, became an unofficial mother figure to Adam, and, much later on, officially involved with Christopher himself (they dated from 1898 to 1927).

They’re close friends and allies still. Helen’s as strong as a mountain in more ways than one, and one of the few people who can sway Chris when he’s a storm of emotions. She can be just as stubborn as him, and yet he admires her just as she is, and she feels the same about him. She’s saved his ass so many times, and he’s saved hers a few himself. If they needed the other there, they’d be there in a heartbeat.

They also additionally have an “unofficial” daughter to accompany their unofficial son in Adam. I’ve been developing a Missoula, Montana OC (Mariah Welch), and she’s been heavily influenced by Chris over the years, and is about as damn close to him as Adam. 

A quick note

Before I move on to my next section, I have been tinkering with my canon in the last several months, after a friend who had allowed me to entwine my Statetalia canon very heavily with theirs ghosted me, and this has affected this character significantly.

Christopher had been involved with their Nyo!Texas in the modern day, with Helen as his best friend. However, no longer comfortable with using this person’s OCs, I have yet to decide if Chris and Helen have, in the last few years, rekindled their relationship, or if my own Texas OC, who is a woman and in the earliest stages of development, is in a romantic relationship with him. This is going to take a long while to decide for personal reasons, and I’m okay with that.

Other States-Brief Thoughts

Northern California/Nyo!California- Inexplicably, he likes Alejandra way more than Roberto. Probably because of their little side project for the independent state of Jefferson.

Kansas- Nowhere near as antagonistic as Beverly and Evelyn’s relationship. He will agree with Evelyn to a certain point, but then he has to start defending his sister. Anyhow, she’s cute.

Nebraska- Logan’s a decent guy to have a drink with, definitely would have been a good guy for Adam if Adam hadn’t been so focused on Clark. IF he and Helen don’t end up getting back together in canon, he’s lowkey pushing for Helen and Logan to get together.

New York- Literally irrelevant to him, why are you asking for an opinion on that jackass?

Texas- Absolutely one amazing, ass-kicking woman, with the gift of aim from the gods, a smoking hot body, and God, she could step on him frankly. (I reiterate, my Texas OC is in development and this is subject to change).

RANDOM FACTS

-Sniper man! Christopher has served as a sniper for several wars. The Nez Perce were noted marksmen during the Nez Perce War, and one of the US’s most noted snipers was from Eastern Oregon. 

-Additionally, Christopher has always served in the US Marine Corps when he’s been fighting for the US.

-He originally was given the same last name as Beverly, Joseph-Astor. He dropped Astor following the Nez Perce War as an act of protest.

-Chris has two “paired” names from when I created his character. Beverly’s middle name is Columbia, so Christopher and Columbia, after Christopher Columbus (something neither of them is very thrilled about nowadays), and his middle name of Lewis pairs with Idaho’s first name, Clark, in honor of that famous expedition.

-Has a knife that was from Lewis and Clark’s Corps of Discovery as a trading item. It’s his second most irreplaceable object.

-Speaks Nez Perce (Niimi'ipuutímt), Chinook Jargon, Crow, Plains Sign Talk, ASL, Russian, German, Spanish, Basque, and English. 

-Has the most currently established tattoos out of any of my OCs.

[destiel-love-forever]

Just One Night

From my prompt challenge: Anon asked for 13 & 26 (Dystopian Society combined with "Spend the night with me... just one night.").

- This is set in a dystopian society - Kind of like Hunger Games but I haven’t read/watched those in forever so not really. The Games are a thing and are mentioned but aren’t in the story at all. The society is very oppressive and segregated. Different races/ethnicities are divided into the different districts. Sexual orientation/gender is forced to be the heterosexual/cisgender. Anyone who interacts with other races, participates in lgbtq sex acts/gender acts/etc. is put into the games - Castiel is a young man (18/19 ish) in the technology district. Dean is one of the high ranking government soldiers assigned to the district to keep things in order.

Available on AO3 here 

The subtle crunch of gravel beneath Dean’s feet is a comfort to him by now, just like the heavy weight of the assault rifle in his hands. Since his promotion, he doesn’t get to go on patrols very often. He’s always bogged down with leadership shit. Lately, he’s been trying to hop on as many patrol shifts as possible, even if it means working all day and night. It soothes him to have his boots on the ground. To see his district.

He scans the area on a constant look, his eyes darting left to right. Nothing significant has happened in district three in months, when those two women were caught together. Dean’s best friend, and right hand man, Benny, was who caught them that night. He got upgraded from the barracks to his own government paid apartment as a reward. The two women will be in the games next month.

“Got laid last night,” Benny tells him as they walk side by side, boots creating a steady rhythm as they turn into their final neighborhood before they have to start their patrol route all over again.

“Oh, really?”

“Pretty little thing from the company down the street. She’s a security system developer.”

“Nice. She a good fuck?”

Benny gets distracted by a young boy in the usual district three blue shirt and a ratty pair of jeans. He’s playing with another boy his age and they’re holding hands as they run across the grass, giggling. When Dean realizes Benny’s heading toward them, he grabs his friend and tugs him back a step. “Harmless. They’re children.”

“Doesn’t mean they don’t know they’re fags. At that age I was already kissing girls, and thinkin’ of doing a lot more.”

“We’ll keep an eye on ‘em.” Dean keeps walking, his heart racing as he waits to see if Benny will join him. Dean’s his commanding officer, so he can order Benny to leave the boys alone, but that’d raise questions. It’s much better if Benny chooses to do it himself. He releases a puff of breath in relief when his friend leaves the two boys behind. Truth is, they do have feelings for each other. Dean saw them kissing last week in the forest, down at the fishing hole nearby. It had made him smile. He couldn’t get himself to take them into custody.

His heart barely has time to relax before the next wave of panic sets in. This time, it’s because they’re turning onto the street where Castiel Novak lives. The young man is a factory worker but receiving schooling to be an engineer. He wears blue shirts covered in oil most of the time, with a nice pair of black jeans that hug his ass beautifully. He has messy, curly hair that Dean bets is real soft. And incredible blue eyes that pop right out of his face, especially if he’s cleaned himself up and put on one of his nicer blue shirts, or his favorite blue sweater when it gets cold out. Beautiful. Every time Dean sees him, he worries a neon sign flashes above his head, letting Benny and everyone else know who he really is.

“Fuck, I need to piss,” Benny grumbles. Since the fucking universe hates Dean Winchester, Benny heads straight for Castiel’s house specifically, walking toward it with a purpose. They’re allowed to do whatever they please, mostly unchecked, as soldiers here. They can demand food. Shelter. Water. Bathrooms. Sex, though Dean isn’t a fan of that. He doesn’t believe in raping anyone, even if it’s technically legal. Thankfully Benny agrees on this one or Dean may not be able to work with the guy. Every girl his friend fucks is more than willing. Of course, that partly has to do with the fact that if they can get him to marry them, they win a ticket out of this hell hole and into the capital.

It’s late, after dinner, and Dean knows that Castiel will be there. He schools his expression and thinks of the last games, when he watched those two men in love have to fight for their lives. He refuses to be one of them. And shit, as a government employee, the capital would really make an example out of Dean. He’d be lucky if he even got to be in the games instead of some other form of punishment. Something extra to make sure the rest of the soldiers stay in line.

Besides, Castiel probably isn’t even gay. He’d be a dipshit if he was. Dean laughs softly to himself. As if it’s something Castiel could decide. He would be just as much stuck with it as Dean is, if he were to be gay. The government can say what they want, but it ain’t a choice. Lord knows Dean’s tried.

“Oh. Hello.” Castiel flinches when he sees the two men. His eyes flick over to Dean and Dean notices that he relaxes, as if Dean’s presence is preferable to Benny’s. That makes Dean nervous. As if Castiel can sense that he’s a traitor, that he’s a hypocrite.

“I need to piss. Move.”

“Ben,” Dean chides, giving his friend a dirty look.

Rolling his eyes, Benny still shoves past Castiel, but he at least mumbles, “Thanks.”

Dean rocks on his heels. Sometimes, the owner will invite him in too. Other times, they don’t want him in there. He’s unsure what will happen here but he thinks it’s best if he stays outside.

“Do you - uh,” Castiel tugs at his hair and Dean notices he’s in that pretty sweater. Dean’s favorite. The knitted one that looks soft and warm and is just a shade darker than his eyes, which makes them seem brighter than normal. “Do you need to go?”

“No. Thank you.”

“Are you thirsty or anything?”

Dean gives him a gentle smile. “I’m not like Benny. I can buy my own food and use public bathrooms. Thank you, though.”

“I’m inviting you. You aren’t taking advantage if I invite you.”

“Really. It’s okay.” Jesus, dude. Stop. I can already feel myself fucking falling in love with you. The last thing I need is entering your home.

“It’s freezing outside. It’s snowing. Come in.” Castiel reaches out like he’s going to grab Dean and pull him into the house but then his hand freezes and he gasps, realizing he was about to touch a soldier. Something like that would get him flogged in the town square.

Not wanting to make him afraid that he’s pissed, Dean nods and steps into the house. “Sure. Thank you.”

Since his boots are on and he doesn’t feel like taking them off, and he’s not an asshole like Benny who’s going to track slush through the whole fucking house, he stays in the small mud room.

“I have coffee. Or cocoa?” Castiel says quietly, much more shy now that he almost got himself into a shit ton of trouble.

Sensing that the guy needs to do something, Dean smiles and says, “Cocoa would be nice. Thank you.”

“I’ll, uh-” the man looks around his house and Dean wonders if he’s worried about leaving him alone to snoop. He wonders what there is to find. There’s almost always something, if you look hard enough. “I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.”

Dean checks his watch, grimacing when he sees that they’re already two minutes behind their patrol schedule. They’ll have to make the time up somehow. At least it’s only an hour or so until his shift is over. Then he can collapse in his government house up on the hill, the same hill where the barracks and apartments of the lower ranking soldiers are, where all the soldiers can live and look down on the little people in district three, and watch some TV while he drinks a beer. Or maybe some whiskey. Being near Castiel is making him need some whiskey.

When Benny returns, he gives Dean a strange look but says nothing about the fact that he entered the house. Dean very rarely does that. Only in emergencies.

“Ready, Winchester?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, wait!” Castiel hurries toward them with a travel mug of hot chocolate. “Sorry it took so long.”

Benny stares at the mug, then at Dean, an eyebrow raised in question.

“Hot chocolate. He made me some,” Dean tells him.

With a sharp nod, Benny glares at Castiel and asks, “Where’s mine?”

Castiel flinches and takes an instinctive step away from him. “Oh. I’m so sorry. I can make you some, sir. Just wait.”

“Don’t feel like waiting. It’s fine.”

All Dean has to say is a quiet, “Sergeant Laffitte,” and Benny is grumbling a “Thank you once again. Have a good night.”

Dean takes the coffee mug and promises to return it some time, a promise that makes Castiel’s eyes widen and his cheeks flush pink.

By the time Dean’s patrol shift is over, he’s nearly forgotten about Castiel all together. They dealt with a thief down at the bakery, a man who was caught beating his wife, and a little boy who threw rocks at his school building in protest of having to attend. The first one ended with the man getting his hand cut off. The second ended with a summons for flogging. The third ended in Benny and Dean trying damn hard not to laugh, because they’ve been there, and a stern scolding.

Dean gets inside his house and takes off his backpack, emptying it of his gear so he can clean and restock for the next day. That’s when he reaches in and grabs the silver travel mug he had stuffed in there once it was empty. He methodically brings it to the sink, washes it, and puts it back in his pack.

When he finally sits down with his whiskey and turns the TV on, he’s exhausted and jittery at the same time. It was the first time he got to interact with Castiel in a private setting like that. If Benny hadn’t been with him, he could have lingered. Drank the cocoa with him. Listened to his soft, grumbly voice. Kissed him.

Dean growls at himself and switches the channel to the capital’s new station specifically designated for news about The Broken- a term he hates, but prefers over The Fags as some still call them. An anchor is talking about the newest members to the games; a young man aged 21 from the seventh district and his lover, a man of 28 who was his neighbor. It shows them in chains being walked to the capitol building. People are throwing stones at them. Food. Shit. All Dean can focus on is how they’re almost within touching distance of each other. He watches as they keep giving each other looks. The younger one is hit in the head with a stone and nearly falls over, a soldier yanking him to his feet. Blood pours down the side of his face. His lover cocks his head and gives him a tight, comforting smile so full of love and comfort and meaning that Dean’s chest aches. Even now, as their world falls apart, as they’re sentenced to a month of torture before an almost certain death in the games, they can’t get themselves to stop loving each other.

What terrifies Dean is that for the first time in his life, watching this channel doesn’t make his urges stop. Instead, it makes him want to go to Castiel’s right now and kiss the hell out of him. What’s the point of living life anyway if it means you’ll never experience love like the men on the screen?

-------

Castiel has been watching Colonel Winchester since he was assigned to district three. The first time he saw the man, his breath literally caught in his throat. Two hours later, the Colonel was whipping a guy bloody, establishing his new reign over the district. The man being flogged was a gender traitor - a man who believed he was a woman, and dressed like one. After he was whipped by the Colonel, he was sent to the capital. He died a week later in the games.

Castiel spent months trying to convince himself to hate Colonel Winchester. He hasn’t seen him do anything like that since, which almost makes things worse in a way. It would be easier to hate the man if he had to watch him do those terrible things every day. Instead, though, Colonel Winchester is the guy behind the scenes. The one who decides what happens to who and when and where. Still worthy of hate, but harder to summon inside Castiel.

Then, last week, Castiel saw the Colonel catch two little boys kissing. Castiel had been out picking berries near the fishing hole when he saw the boys. Before he could tell the boys to stop that and be more careful, a noise to his right had him hiding behind a fallen tree. He had watched as Colonel Winchester stood just feet away from the boys, who were too busy to notice someone watching them from the edge of the trees. It had taken everything in him not to shout for the boys to run so they could maybe have a chance to be saved.

But then the Colonel had turned his back to the boys and walked away like he saw nothing. The weirdest part? He was smiling to himself. It made Castiel both afraid and thrilled. He was flooded with a million questions. The moment Colonel Winchester stepped into his house yesterday, he wanted to attack him with question after question. It took everything he had to stay quiet.

Castiel’s surprised he even survived the day without getting himself killed in the factory, since his mind was so distracted by finally getting a chance to see the Colonel up close. He was even more beautiful than he was from afar. He has freckles. Thousands of individual freckles. And his eyes are green. From a distance, they seemed hazel, but up close they’re a brilliant green.

And there was a desire in the way he looked at Castiel. A desire he wanted to pursue more than anything.

God, you’re such a fucking idiot, Castiel. He’d murder you if you ever pursued him. He’d get your ass thrown in the games - or worse.

A knock on Castiel’s door distracts him from his worried thoughts. Knowing it’s probably Martha, the old lady that lives next door and is constantly asking him for one thing or another to borrow, he doesn’t bother to make himself presentable. He’s just gotten out of the shower, so he swaggers to the door in nothing but his soft gray sweatpants, avoiding putting a blue shirt on for as long as possible. He’s fucking sick of that color. Sick of being told what has to be on his torso. He hates his own eyes, can’t even look in the mirror anymore, because they're blue.

With a friendly smile, he opens the door and prepares himself for Martha. The last thing he expected to find was Colonel Winchester standing in his doorway. In his casual uniform, the one he wears around the district when not actively patrolling, holding Castiel’s travel mug. Castiel gasps and steps back, wrapping his arms around his torso.

“I’m so sorry. I was, uh- I was expecting someone else. Sorry.”

“Lady friend coming by?”

“No.” When the Colonel’s eyebrows raise, Castiel hurries, “I mean, not a guy either. No guy. I’m not - no guy. My neighbor. Martha. She’s the old lady. Always comin’ to bother me.”

Colonel Winchester smirks. “Calm down. Not an interrogation. Just came to bring this back to ya and say thanks.”

“Oh. Great. Yeah.”

“It was delicious.”

“Thanks. My mom’s recipe.” Castiel nibbles on his bottom lip. He’s trying not to stare at how gorgeous the man is, but he’s worried if he avoids looking at him too much then he’ll look suspicious. And like the idiot that he is, he finds himself making things much worse by saying, “Come in. I could make more.”

Colonel Winchester chuckles. “Actually, if you have some coffee, I’d kill for some. It’s been a long day.”

“Yeah. Of course. I can make some coffee.” Castiel moves out of the way, letting the Colonel walk in. He watches in amazement as the man removes his boots and his uniform jacket. Now, he’s just in plain black pants and a black shirt that hugs his muscles in all the right ways. There’s something about him being comfortable like that in Castiel’s house that makes Castiel shiver.

Trying to hide his shaking hands, Castiel shoves them into his pant pockets and leads Dean into the kitchen. “I’ll just start a pot. Then I can throw a shirt on quick.”

“Doesn’t bother me,” Dean drawls.

“Oh.” Castiel fills the coffee pot with water, shaking harder now. Is he imagining the heat in Dean’s voice? The desire? Should he put the shirt on anyway? Is this a test? Does staying shirtless prove he’s gay?

He turns the coffee pot on and faces the Colonel. The man is leaning in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest. It makes his biceps bulge against the tight fabric of his shirt. Castiel wants to rip it to shreds and kiss every fucking inch of the exposed body beneath. He’s only ever had a love interest once; when he was seventeen. It lasted two months and they were awkward and clumsy and they got way too nervous and ended things before any real love developed between them. Still, though, it provided him with enough of a past to be able to picture a fairly detailed fantasy starring the Colonel.

Then Castiel sees the gun attached to the Colonel’s hip and remembers the danger. He licks his dry lips and meets the man’s eyes. The Colonel definitely knows what he was thinking. Definitely. He can see it in the way his green eyes have narrowed, his pink lips tilting into a smirk. Castiel tenses up.

“I - uh, you’re-” Castiel clenches his fists, trying hard not to whimper in fear. “Just looking at your - uh - your clothes. You look different - ya know - out of uniform.”

All the man does is chuckle softly. Castiel keeps rambling, trying to save his fucking life with every word. “I like girls. I have a girlfriend. Well, had. We broke up. But not because I’m gay! Just-”

“Castiel. Relax.” The Colonel walks forward until he’s only hovering an inch or two away from him. He reaches out and runs a hand along Castiel’s arm, watching intently to see his reaction. Castiel tries like hell but he can’t stop the shiver that rushes through his body, and the soft breath he exhales right after. “You haven’t had a girlfriend, have you, Castiel?”

“I would never lie to you, Colonel Winchester. I swear.”

“Dean. Please.” The man smiles, his hand skimming along Castiel’s bare arm again. “Call me Dean.”

“Dean.” Castiel closes his eyes, a tear leaking out of one. “I swear. Please. I’m not - I swear. Please. Don’t -”

“Don’t touch you? You really don’t want me to touch you?”

��Please,” Castiel chokes on a sob. “Please. I’m not gay, Sir. I swear.”

Lips close over his mouth and Castiel gasps. For a brief moment, he melts. Then his eyes shoot open. Dean’s eyes are closed, like he doesn’t know that Castiel is panicking. He tears his face away, crying even harder now. This is a sick game. He doesn’t like it one bit. “Please. You kissed me! You kissed me! I didn’t kiss you. Please. I’m not-”

“You are.” Dean wipes the tears from Castiel's cheek and tilts his head. “I am too.”

Castiel stares at him in pure confusion. “You’re what?”

“Gay.”

“But - you can’t - I mean - you’re a Colonel.”

“Yup. I think you know just as much as I do that it’s not exactly something you can turn on and off.”

Castiel wipes at his face with a rough hand and places his other hand on Dean’s chest, carefully pushing him away. “I want you to leave. Please.”

Dean’s eyes flash. “It’s okay, Castiel. You won’t get in trouble.”

“Leave. Now.”

He watches as Dean’s jaw ticks. His body begins to shake again and despite his best efforts, more tears leak from his eyes. When Dean looks at him, he can see pain and worry on the man’s face. “Cas, hey. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have - I’m sorry. Please don’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t. I swear.”

“Okay.” Dean backs away from him, his face bright red. “I apologize again, Castiel. Have a good night.”

“Yeah. Uh - good night.”

The second he hears his door close, Castiel slumps to the floor of his kitchen and begins to sob.

Either he proved that he is in fact gay, because Castiel’s pretty fucking sure he accidently kissed Dean back at first, and now Dean has evidence to report him, or he proved that he isn’t but Dean is gay, and now Castiel is a liability for knowing. Either scenario ends with Castiel in the games, or worse. No one will believe him if he says Dean came onto him. Why would they? Dean’s a fucking Colonel. He’s nothing.

He’s convinced he’ll wake up to the soldiers coming for him. He’ll wake up to Dean standing in the doorway, grinning. Maybe even laughing. Castiel cries himself to sleep, wrapped up in his favorite knitted sweater, shaking violently.

------

Fucking idiot. That’s what you are, Dean. A fucking idiot. Dean avoids Castiel’s house for a week, returning to his paperwork and his office. Hiding. He waits every day for the guy to report him. He has a strong feeling that Castiel wouldn’t. One, he really does think the young man is gay too, he just thinks he’s too paranoid to give into Dean. Two, he’s pretty sure his commanders would believe him over Castiel, which would get Castiel at least thrown into the games for treason, if not killed outright.

Still, he’s panicking.

Then Benny is fucking sick on Saturday and Dean has to do his patrol shift. He grits his teeth every time he walks by Castiel’s house, forcing himself not to look in that direction. Forcing himself to act as if nothing ever happened.

A snow storm begins just before midnight, when Chuck comes to relieve Dean. Dean shakes off some of the snow that’s accumulated on his shoulders and head and starts his trek back home. Usually he’d drive down to the district but he had wanted more time walking today. He needed it to think. As he walks the final time past Castiel’s house, a voice calls to him. He whips around at the sound of his first name to find Castiel standing on the sidewalk in nothing but a sweater and jeans.

Dean glances around before slowly walking toward him. “Mr. Novak?”

“Can you, uh, can you come inside, Colonel? I need to report a break in.”

It takes Dean a second, but then he catches on. “Of course. Lead the way.”

Castiel leads him inside, his eyes fixed on the rifle in his hands. Dean didn’t have it last time and he can tell that it’s making Castiel nervous. That’s why, even though it’s pretty much rule number fucking one, Dean puts his rifle down right away. Then he takes off his boots and shrugs out of his uniform jacket. It feels good to take off the heavy, armored jacket.

When he looks at Castiel, he shakes his head in disapproval. The boys cheeks and nose are bright pink from the cold and he’s shivering hard enough to make his teeth clatter. “You should have had a jacket on,” Dean scolds.

“I saw you coming and hurried out.”

“How’d you know my shift was over?”

Castiel looks away. “You were moving in the opposite direction, meaning you were headed home instead of patrolling.”

A fluttery feeling warms the center of Dean’s stomach at the idea that Castiel pays that much attention to him. “Did you really have a break in, Castiel?”

“No.” Castiel steps closer to him, looking up at him through his lashes. “Are you really gay, Dean?”

“Yes.”

“Good.” Castiel lifts himself up on his toes and grabs Dean’s face, kissing him hard. For a few seconds Dean allows him to do this before taking back the control. He crashes him into the nearest wall and immediately grabs his thighs, yanking him up so his legs wrap around his waist. He pins Castiel to the wall with his hips so he can use his hands to tug at his messy hair and kiss him even harder.

When he breaks for a gasp of air, he finds Castiel staring up at him with wide eyes full of wonder. “What?” Dean asks with a soft laugh.

“You.” Castiel cups his face. The way he holds him, like he’s fragile and beautiful, does something to Dean’s chest that he both hates and loves. “This is bad. We could get in trouble.”

“Yes. We could.” Dean presses a single kiss to Castiel’s lips before whispering. “So worth it.”

Even though they’re talking about the possibility of death, or even worse, Castiel finds himself nodding in agreement, breathlessly saying, “Yeah. Worth it.”

-----

Castiel paces in front of his door a week after their first kiss. Dean’s come over every night that week, usually around two or three in the morning, when no one would be paying attention. It means that Castiel is exhausted every day at work but he doesn’t care in the least. They’ve kissed so much he feels like his lips permanently belong to Dean Winchester, and he’s hoping like hell that tonight they do more.

Even though it’s just after two, Castiel has food in the oven and candles lit and a bottle of wine out. When he hears the knock on his door, he’s nearly giddy. It takes a lot of self control not to tackle Dean the moment the door opens.

“Hey you,” Dean whispers in a low voice as he pushes inside. He’s in faded blue jeans and a hooded sweatshirt with a leather jacket over it. Castiel has decided that he loves this version of Dean most. The comfortable, attractive, kind man who can make him laugh so hard it hurts. Who makes him feel special.

“Hey.” Castiel wraps his arms around Dean’s neck and gets on his toes to reach his lips. They kiss long and slow, like it’s been more than a day since they last saw each other. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, blue eyes.”

Castiel rolls those eyes of his and huffs, “I hate my eyes.”

“I know. But I love them.” Dean reaches into his back pocket with a grin. “Speaking of, though, I have a present for you.”

“A present?”

“Yup.” Dean pulls out a shirt and shakes it out so Castiel can see the whole thing hanging from his hands. It’s a maroon colored shirt with long sleeves. When Dean hands it to him, he feels the fabric and can’t stop himself from smiling. It’s soft. Incredibly soft. And faded, like Dean’s worn it often. “It’ll be big on you, since you’re all tiny and cute and short, but it should be comfortable. And, well, it’s not blue. Figured you might appreciate that.”

Castiel gulps, tears burning his eyes. “Dean. You can’t - this can’t -”

“I know when the raids are going to be on houses, Cas. I’m the one that plans them. I’ll make sure to take it back before the next one happens for you. You won’t get caught with it, I promise. Keep it.”

Clenching the fabric in his hands, Castiel grins up at him, nearly bouncing on his damn feet. “I love it. I love it so much Dean. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” He pulls him in close and presses a gentle kiss to his lips. “Do I smell food?”

“I made you pie. It should be ready to take out, actually.”

“Fuck yeah. Is it apple?”

Castiel laughs. He knows that’s Dean’s favorite. He told Castiel all about his childhood and his mom’s cooking, especially her apple pie. There’s no way Castiel’s food is as good as hers but it’ll hopefully be good enough.

Dean pauses when they get into the kitchen, squeezing Castiel’s hand he’s holding. “Wine?”

“Uh, yeah.” Castiel clears his throat, unsure how Dean will feel about that. “My dad kept a few bottles hidden when the initial raids happened. Before the big war.”

“Cas, don’t waste one of those on me.”

“It isn’t a waste. I was,” Castiel pauses, nervously fiddling with the shirt in his hands. “I was hoping tonight could be special.”

“Special?”

“Well, you don’t work tomorrow, and neither do I. I thought, maybe, you could,” Castiel gulps. “Spend the night?”

Dean’s eyebrows raise as high as possible. “No.”

“But-”

“I’ll stay longer if you want, and we can do whatever you want, but not that. I can’t stay here.”

Since he knew that was a long shot, Castiel drops it. “Okay, then. Let’s just eat.”

-----

Dean rolls Castiel onto his back, kissing him with a nice open mouth, running his tongue along the interior of it. He tastes like pie. Fucking delicious. He pulls away long enough to tear Castiel’s shirt over his head. Then his own. Castiel drags his nails down his back, making Dean groan, then shiver.

They both tense when Castiel’s fingers skim the cold metal of the gun tucked into the back of Dean’s jeans. He doesn’t bring his rifle when he’s off duty like this, but he always brings his pistol. Castiel’s seen it once or twice in flashes but he’s never touched it.

“Sorry,” Castiel whispers, drawing his hand away.

“No, I’m sorry. Shoulda taken it off.” Dean reaches back, pulling the gun out and placing it on the coffee table, the muzzle pointing in the opposite direction of them.

Castiel can’t stop staring at the gun while Dean kisses his way down his neck and chest. He wonders how many people Dean has killed with it, or with any other gun. And how many more Dean has sentenced to death, to be killed by someone else with Dean’s name stamped on it with approval.

“We should go upstairs,” Castiel whispers, still staring at the gun.

“What?”

“Upstairs. Bed.”

Dean shakes his head, starting to get off him. “No, Castiel. I said no sleep overs.”

“Not to sleep, idiot.” Castiel gets up too and grabs his hand, practically yanking him toward the stairs. “I’m tired of just kissing.”

All the blood in Dean’s body runs south. “Yes. Good. Let’s go.”

They practically tumble into the bed together. The last of their clothes comes off in a frantic need to feel skin against skin. Dean shudders the moment they’re down to just boxers, moving his hips in a slow circle, desperate to feel his hard cock against his without all the fabric in the way.

“Have you ever?” Dean asks, shaking hands holding him up so he doesn’t put too much weight on Castiel.

“No.” Castiel nibbles his bottom lip. “I’ve done other stuff, but not that.”

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

“Oh, I want to. Have,” Castiel looks away, blushing. “Have you?”

Dean leans more weight on one hand so he can lift the other, grabbing Castiel’s face and turning it so they’re looking into each other’s eyes. “Yes. With woman. I’ve watched porn, though. Think I can figure it out.”

Castiel’s eyes go as wide as saucers. “How did you find gay porn?”

Laughing, Dean winks at him. “We find some in raids every once in a while. If I get a chance, I swipe it. Take it home.”

“Holy crap. I wanna see some!”

“Psssh, trust me, I’ll be even better. Let me show you.”

Nodding, Castiel relaxes again. Dean pulls a condom and a mini bottle of lube out of his back pocket. He goes slow, kissing Castiel breathless while he preps him. By the time his cock is sinking into Castiel, they're both already on the edge.

“Fuck you feel good,” Dean whispers.

“Better than the girls you've been with?”

“Much better.” Dean presses a kiss to his lips, then smiles down at him. “You're the real thing, so it's perfect.”

With a shiver, Castiel grabs his face and kisses him again. And again. And again. As the kiss heats up, becoming a flurry of lips and teeth and tongues, Dean's hips move faster and harder. When he feels himself getting close, he wraps a calloused hand around Castiel's cock and starts to pump it in time with his thrusts.

Castiel's back bows off the bed as he comes without meaning to. It feels like Dean tore it from him. A few seconds later, Dean is finishing too.

Dean cleans them up enough for now, then grabs Castiel and holds him to his chest. They lay in a sweaty, breathless heap for a long time. The silence is comfortable at first but Castiel's mind starts to spin, and then the quiet is suffocating.

When Dean leans down at one point to kiss him, Castiel stops him by turning his face away. He can feel his cheeks heating up because he hates feeling vulnerable, but he also needs to protect his heart. This is something he can be killed for. Stoned in the streets. Publicly flogged. Put into the games. He doesn’t know if Dean would get an easier punishment because of his government position, or a harsher one to make an example out of him, but either way, this isn’t something to take lightly.

“I love you, Dean,” he admits on a choked breath.

Taking a chance, he looks up at Dean through his lashes. Instead of tensing or panicking like Castiel expected, Dean gives him a slow smile and whispers, “I love you too, Castiel.”

“Really?”

“Really. Very much so.”

“Good.” Castiel takes in a deep, shaking breath and braces himself. Somehow, he’s more nervous for this than he was for admitting his love. “Spend the night with me.. Just one night.”

That’s when the tensing and panicking begins. Dean’s eyes skate away, looking over at the wall. “You know I can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“You know why not.”

“You can still leave before sunrise. We can set an alarm.”

Dean scoffs. “Sunrise is in like two hours, Cas.”

“Then a different night. Come earlier than you usually do and spend the night. Just one night with me, Dean. That’s all I’m asking.”

“It’s not, though. Because once I do that, you’ll ask again. And again. And I won’t be able to say no because you’re like my fucking weakness. Then one lazy mistake from getting too comfortable and we’re both dead. Or worse.”

“Then we should just end this. Call it off. If it’s not going anywhere, then what’s the point? The longer we keep doing this, we keep pretending, the more it’ll hurt when it’s over.”

Dean gets to his feet and begins to pace, scratching the back of his head. “So, what? This is an ultimatum? I spend the night tonight or we’re done?”

Wiping his tears, Castiel sits up and curls in on himself. “No ultimatum. It’s already over. I want this to be over. I want you to leave.”

“Cas.”

“Please.”

Dean stands in place, staring at him in disbelief. He does this for a full minute while Castiel sits in the same spot and falls apart. When Castiel releases his first sob, Dean swears under his breath. He storms downstairs, Castiel following behind even though it hurts worse to actually watch Dean leaving. Dean grabs his pistol and shoves it into the waistband of his jeans, then yanks his shirt on. He gives Castiel one more look before shaking his head and leaving.

The sharp thud of the door closing echoes inside Castiel’s empty chest. He grabs the shirt Dean brought him as a gift and hurries to pull it over his body instead of the blue one he was wearing before. He locks the doors, shuts the lights off, and crawls into his bed beneath the blankets. He starts to cry again when he realizes the shirt smells like Dean; like he wore it before giving it to Castiel.

How was he going to survive without Dean? What was the point?

-----

Dean survives nine days without Castiel. He never patrols. He never goes out into the public. He never leaves his home. He pushes paperwork and answers calls and sentences three people to a public flogging without ever even seeing their faces or hearing their sides of the story. He hates himself every second. He hates this society. He hates the government. He hates his job. He hates his soldiers. He hates Benny. He hates himself some more.

He hates himself so fucking much.

On day ten, he sneaks out of his house just after midnight. He takes the back way into the district to avoid being spotted. He knows everyone’s patrol routes and where all the cameras are, so as long as everyone is doing their job properly, he won’t get caught.

His entire body is violently shaking by the time he’s at Castiel’s door. It’s locked. He pulls out his ring of keys and grabs the master key to the district. Every door in this entire district, even private homes, can be unlocked with this key. Only Dean and the President of Panem has it. It’s an extreme abuse of power to let himself into Castiel’s house, but he’s so far gone it doesn’t matter. All he knows is he has to see him. Now.

The lights are off but he finds Castiel still awake, tucked into the corner of the couch with Dean’s baggy maroon shirt on. He stares at the blank TV like there’s actually something playing on the screen.

Dean clears his throat, letting Castiel know he’s not alone. The man slightly perks up and looks over the back of the couch at Dean. His eyes widen but he says nothing.

That’s okay. Dean has his speech planned.

“I’m an idiot for ever even considering a life without you. I shouldn’t have left that night, and I’m not leaving tonight. We’re going to figure out how to do this. I don’t care if I have to start a fucking revolution for you. I don’t care if we have to run away. Live in hiding. Me and you, together, is all I want. It’s the most alive I’ve ever felt.”

“Dean-”

“There was this couple one day, when this first started with us. I watched them on TV as they were marched to the capital. Even with everything being thrown and screamed at them, even though they knew they were literally marching to their death, they were still so in love. You could see it in the way they looked at each other. Like they’d rather be there together than somewhere else alone. It was a nice concept at the time I watched it. Something that made me smile. Something that made me wonder. But now, I understand”

“Dean-”

“If you me want to go, I’ll go. I’ll never hold my power over you. I swear it. When it comes to us, we’re on equal ground. But you’ll have to tell me to go, because I’m never leaving on my own again. I’m never leaving you. I love you, Castiel. I love you so fucking much. So, if you’ll allow it, I want to be with you.”

Castiel can’t get off the couch fast enough. He launches himself at Dean, wrapping his arms and legs around him, clinging like a damn spider monkey. He buries his face in the crook of his neck and drags his lips along the curve. “I’ve missed you so much. I love you.”

“I missed you too,” Dean whispers against his temple. “God, I love you.”

“Spend the night with me.. Just one night,” Castiel pleads, afraid of the answer despite Dean’s speech.

Pulling away to look Castiel in the eyes, Dean shakes his head. “Not just one night, Cas. As often as possible.”

[trialbystory]

Why I Am Like This pt 2

Alright so I did a whole thing last week about how Power Rangers was responsible for younger me realizing serialized/longform stories were, y'know, a thing. But I also mentioned it was half of a one-two punch, so since I've just reached the rough halfway point of SOC ch 5, let's take a sec to talk about the other half. And the one that seems to have been more influential on me long-term.

So growing up my family didn't have access to cable television until I was in ninth grade. But we did go to video rental stores fairly often. The more popular one did this thing where you could borrow 2 kiddie movies for free for a week every time you came in. My favorite was Speed Racer. It was one of those deals American companies did back then where rather than bothering to dub a whole series they'd pick a few episodes and cut them together as a straight-to-video 'movie' instead. But this isn't about Speed Racer (though fun fact the Wachowskis' live-action Speed Racer from '08 is unironically my favorite movie), that old VHS tape had the same problem as almost everything else I was watching at the time: it was one self-contained thing.

No, this is about my older sister's favorite video(s) to rent: Sailor Moon. Now in hindsight, I obviously know that the old dub released by Dic is...not great, but at the time we didn't know any better. We liked it. My sister liked because, let's be honest, she was the target demographic for it. I liked it because it had cool laserbeam attacks and I thought the transformation sequences were neat, like the morphing in Power Rangers, but with more going on (I was at this point still too young for the 'Boom anime babes' to 'Make me think the wrong thing'). And at around the same time I learned about continuity in Power Rangers, I noticed in in Sailor Moon too. It was also very monster of the week, but it too had things change from episode to episode, and it kicked in faster with Sailor Moon. The rental place had most of the series, so my sister and I were able to follow along as Serena (remember we had the dub) met and recruited the rest of the team, as generals were defeated, as they learned the truth about the Sailor Scouts' past and as Queen Beryl was ultimately defeated. It was great. And more importantly, I didn't care that it was a show 'for girls.' The cast was overwhelmingly female, but that didn't matter to me. They still fought and had adventures and hijinks and were heroes, and it was still cool. And that stuck with me. I occasionally caught some crap for it, but as I grew up I didn't shy away from reading books or watching shows and movies with female protagonists or 'girly' concepts. I loved the Tortall books by Tamora Pierce, my sister got into Ouran Highschool Host Club and I was right there with her. Hell, it's one of the things that actively drew me into RWBY when RT started releasing Monty's trailers. Even now romance and female-centered stories tend to draw me in more easily, and most of my favorite characters are women; Bridgitte and Tuon from Wheel of Time, Daja from Circle of Magic, the list goes on. Hell, even my favorite music, with a couple exceptions, is all female-fronted symphonic metal and hard rock groups (If you'd like a recommendation, I suggest listening to Within Temptation), and the lineage of that can be traced all the way back to sitting on the floor watching Sailor Moon with my older sister. So yeah. That's why I, a cisgender heterosexual (mostly, the last 18 months or so have been interesting) male born in the early 90's, seem to have an obsession with female characters and especially longform stories about them.

[lgbtq-against-onision]

Greetings, lovely followers and anti-O’s! (To the Onion fans reading this for the hell of it: Yoooo.)

Today, I am finally addressing Greg’s video from May 15th, 2018 titled “This Is Important”, where he tries to lecture everyone about how the LGBTQ community has a problem in itself and how we need to be nicer to people who are trans. (And by “people who are trans”, we all know he means his spouse, Lainey.) So, get ready for a “rant”.

The first thing I want to address is the part where he says “So, I’m not gonna drop names. I- I don’t wanna make this like a- uh- an awkward video, uh, where I’m trying to make everyone dislike someone. I’ve done enough of that in my life and I don’t wanna do that anymore.”

Oh, because you’ll just save that for tweets for now on, continuously accusing people of being a pedophile- right, Greggy? (But I’ll discuss that in a different post, if that’s something my dear followers would like to read.)

Back to the subject at hand: As a cisgender woman, I cannot speak on the behalf of anyone who is transgender. As someone who identifies as pansexual, I can speak for some of LGBTQ community. (Personal note: I hope you all know that I am in no way transphobic or biphobic for labeling myself as pansexual. I identify as such because not only is that the word I feel most comfortable with but I have always been that person that falls a little in love with everyone I meet. (A girl at the Starbucks drive thru was once super sweet to me and I was in love with her for, like, five minutes afterwards.)) I will also not be dragging cisgendered people or ‘the straights’ collectively, as Onision tried to do when he described them as having “typical, boring brains”.

Gregory, sweaty :), I know this is probably nearly impossible for you to do- but for the love of God (even though I know you don’t believe in God), sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up.

This “cis, white male” (as he described himself as numerous times in his video) only speaks of possible problems for the LGBTQ community when it has to do with people making fun of or straight-up insulting his spouse. As someone who has made various transphobic videos and posts in the past, he has no room to comment on any of this- especially without trying to make amends with anyone he has insulted in the past. (Not to mention all of the times in the past year where he has purposely misgendered Blaire White, a transgender woman- something he would release an hour long rant on if someone did that to his non-binary spouse.) Greg doesn’t care about what actually happens in the LGBTQ community, whether what happens inside of it (because I’ll admit that there is a problem with members of the community not treating others in it fairly, but he only shows concerns when his spouse is directly involved) or what happens to the members of it.

But if we’re going to talk about his indifference, we also have to talk about Lainey’s indifference. When was the last time they talked about LGTBQ issues that didn’t directly involve them? They say they want to help others figure out and accept their (the others) true selves but completely ignore the young people who ask questions in their streams or ask for advice. A tweet made a few days ago went viral when a man (Twitter handle: chrishuizar) posted about how grateful he was that he and his boyfriend both survived being stabbed by a random homophobic white male who attacked them on the street while yelling, in the words of the tweet, “fucken faggots”. Is Lainey going to talk about that? Will they ever talk about how being considered different can be deadly? While misgendering someone is uncool, there are worse things than being accused as a transtrender by people over the internet or having people question why your polyamorous relationships always seem to go south. Talk about those issues, Lainey. Don’t passively sit by and talk about how you’re “gaaaaay, so gay, hella gay” or how you’re “daddy af”. You have the platform and audience to try and make a difference. If you’re going to make being ‘different’ as a part of your brand, then you better own it. There are other LGBTQ YouTubers out there but they don’t make their channels all about that and when they do decide to focus on that, they don’t make it all about ‘me, myself, and I’. It’s usually “Hey, let’s talk about how this is a real problem for not just myself but other people who identify as LGBTQ-”

Back to Captain Asshat, is he ever going to talk about any of this? Is he going to talk about the problems that others are facing every day, all over the world? Why does he only talk about these things when it’s either a direct statement about his spouse or a rant that thinly veils the fact that it’s about someone being mean to Lainey? And maybe Mr. “There are people who die all over the world every day, especially in third world countries” should talk about problems for the community all over the world, like Blaire White recently did? (To my followers: Let’s not trash anyone’s religion in the replies or reblogs, please. I would like us to focus on the situation at hand rather than the possible flaws some might find in others’ beliefs.) Will he ever make a video where it is purely about the difficulties others face without insulting someone else or making it center around his life? ( “Well, I believe-”, “If I were a gay man-”, “In my personal experience-”)

You do not speak for the LGBTQ community, Greg. Stop pretending that you are trying to educate others or defend us. 

[boojersey]

you mean you're half mikey, half frank as like, some days i'm mikey, some days i'm frank or just both of them mixed? also 60-70 for the ask thing

im all but a small chunk of mikey + all of frank (specifically all but low voices hiding in ur hoodie and feeling small) but yes both of them mixedalso thank u !! sorry it took so long for me to answer ive been out all day and couldnt copy all the q’s on mobile60. - how often do you have nightmares?every couple nights; last night in my nightmare i got injected with some infected blood bc my friend was trying to take blood out of a child that had aids for some reason and just shoot the blood onto the floor from the syringe but she caught my thigh when she swung out her arm and before i could tell her she emptied the syringe and so all the blood went into my leg and i started freaking out and she was like o woops better get that checked out ! :) so basically i was losing my mind for the rest of the dream and my leg hurt for the rest of it61. - do you remember your last dream? if so, did you want to wake up from it?^^^ there was also the original version of far too young to die (before dallon handed the song over to brendon to be released as a panic song lmao) playing ?? and i think its bc ive been playing it a lot so it got stuck in my head.while i was dreaming62. - how do you feel about politics?i feel they are unavoidable for me because a lot of current politics are regarding the rights of people that deserve a voice (me being one of those voices as a trans person) and even if i wasnt included in the groups of people being treated as just a conversation piece, id want to participate because the rights of humanity are so fucking important and even if the topics werent regarding the rights of groups, having leaders no matter what leads to corruption leaking in and i want to see a future where things are better and if i were to just sit around and ignore politics id be siding with the corruption no matter what because thats what they /want/ me to do they dont want me vocal or attending protests or being anti-anything-related-to-them they want me dumb and quiet and refusing to do that is in and of itself a form of rebellion and as a teen i have a thirst for that as it is ;0 so yes i am very political because i dont want to see these ugly white, cisgender, heterosexual, rich, old men deciding the fate of the earth quite literally63. - are you doing anything to help the environment?i try but since i get most of my things through my mother (who refuses to buy shoes that arent leather to put things into perspective) the best i can do is make sure not to take long showers and recycle whatever i can; with my lack of $$$ i also have the issue of not really being able to buy animal products that are better for the animals themselves, i kinda have to take what i can get 64. - do you recycle?yes!!65. - any addictions?i mean not really; i smoke like once a week (if that) and used to struggle with other shit but for right now nothing really sticks enough for me to consider it an addiction66. - are you edgy?uh chya67. - most embarrassing phase so far?oh lord i had a couple but probably when i was 11 and wasnt full on scene so i bittersweetly refer to it as my scemo phase68. - should you be on this site?at the moment fuck no ! i have to finish my english homework but theres…so mcuh that its scary69. - do you like vintage items?yeah totally! i have a lot of my mothers clothes actually and if u refer to aughts things as vintage then HELL YEA i love my portable cd player and like the memorabilia aspect of a lot of old band items (for example my promo pins for the release of infinity on high); a chunk of my closet that isnt band shirts is stuff from the seventies and eighties that my mom kept around and i have her class ring that i Lov e wearing 70. - favorite piece of clothing in your closet?hmmmm maybe my placebo shirt? or my a n c i e nt cobra starship tank top that i hit gold at goodwill with; runner up is my mcr shirts that are so old and often-worn they are riddled the fuck up with holes

[mvrdck]

Fortunately for me, I'm not a cop. so, I can break your face into a jigsaw puzzle if I want to.

► GENERAL INFORMATION

FULL NAME & ALIAS: matthew michael murdock / daredevil CURRENT TEAM(S): defenders AGE: 38 GENDER IDENTITY: cisgender male SEXUALITY:  heterosexual NATIONALITY:  american ETHNICITY: white MULTIVERSAL ORIGIN: 616

► APPEARANCE

FACE CLAIM: charlie cox SPECIAL / RECOGNIZABLE FEATURES: often seen wearing red tinted sunglasses, utilizes a mobility cane HAIR COLOR: brown ( a bit reddish in the right light ) EYE COLOR: brown ACCENT: american / very faint new york accent ( it’s a bit more prominent when he’s drunk ) CURRENT COSTUME: this sexy little red number

► BACKGROUND

CURRENT HOME: hells kitchen, new york PAST OCCUPATION: student CURRENT OCCUPATION: lawyer SNAP STATUS: survived in a different reality

► RELATIONS

SIBLING(S): none PARTNER(S): elektra natchios CHILDREN: none BEST FRIEND: foggy nelson ADVERSARY: wilson fisk 

► HEADCANONS/FUN FACTS

- matt is very disconnected from his religious upbringing at this point, but still often prays at night ( doing so every night while he was incarcerated ). he did also go to confession immediately upon his release from prison. - one of his favorite smells is a candle foggy gifted him for his birthday many years ago. it smells like lemongrass and ginger, an absolutely ATROCIOUS combination, but it reminds him of a simpler time ( not to be cliche ). - star trek over star wars. any day.

► WANTED CONNECTIONS

foggy nelson, karen page, frank castle

[transamorousnetwork]

How To Overcome The One Thing Creating Sucky Lives, Trans or Trans-attracted

A common experience among newer Transamorous Network clients is “split energy”. Here’s why resolving split energy is not only important, it can be a joyful process and create a life worth loving.

But first, let’s look at what split energy is, why it happens and why so many transgender and trans-attracted people don’t know about split energy and thus struggle with it.

What is split energy?

Split energy happens when belief and desire conflict with one another. It can also happen when a person stands in two different, opposite stories at the same time.

For example, a trans-attracted man might want a transwoman as a partner. That’s a story creating certain desires and impulses. But that same man might have a story saying transgender women are actually men, or, that being attracted to transgender women makes him gay.

He might also believe (a belief is a story) that giving up his marriage (to a cisgender woman) in order to be with a transgender woman would be too great a burden to bear.

^^Split energy means having a foot in two different story camps, or telling stories that conflict with desires. Split energy often feels like confusion, uncertainty and anxiety. (Photo by Sherise VD on Unsplash)

One client, for example, believes transgender women are not serious about having a serious monogamous relationship, so he only meets transgender women matching that story. Meanwhile, he believes his wife can’t live without him and if he divorces her, she’ll fall apart. It’s no wonder he feels anxiety, stress and indecision about his trans-attraction, born of split energies of wanting a transgender woman, believing they’re just fantasies, and needing to stay with his wife.

Those examples show how a man might have split energy. What split energy might a transgender woman have?

She might have a story that she wants to be with a man, yet believes all men who desire her are perverts, scum, or “chasers”. Or she might have the story that she can’t get a job because she’s trans, but also wants a job. So the men she meets are perverts and scum, and she remains unemployed, struggling and alone.

It should be obvious split energy also happens when someone has a desire they don’t believe is fulfillable. They don’t think their desire can happen. Desire existing alongside disbelief creates split energy too.

Why it’s a struggle

Many people struggle with split energy while not knowing they’re struggling. They think negative emotions indicating split energy – confusion, feeling uncertain, anxiety, insecurity and more – are just part of life.

But life is supposed to be fun, easy and filled with desires that fulfill themselves. Actually, that’s what’s happening all the time, even for someone with split energy.

But a person with split energy creates over and over, the reality containing and reflecting back to them, the combination of their split energy. That’s why nothing seems to change for the person, or why things change, but often stay the same or get worse.

In other words, life SUCKS when split energy dominates.

It’s more common than you think

Many popular communities generate split energy situations. Religions are a major culprit. Religions as sometimes practiced, contradict beliefs that are normal, wholesome and good. But some people in these organizations, especially trans-attracted and transgender people, but not only such people, create split energy when their natural, normal, wholesome desires contradict religious doctrine.

My clients who are Christian or Jewish struggle with stories taken from their religion. Their religious upbringing keeps them feeling unworthy, fearful, in shame, and in self reproach because religious teachings do not allow or agree that certain desires are natural, normal, wholesome and good.

^^A major source of split energy are religions combined with an authentic self at odds with religious doctrine. (Photo by Dejan Livančić on Unsplash)

I know some people practicing religion-inspired beliefs do not have that experience. I’m not saying that religion is bad across-the-board. So if you are a believer, a Christian or a Jew, and you’re happy, then enjoy your happy life. 😌

People who do come to me seeking what I offer, who also have backgrounds in religion, struggle at first with split energy generated from their desires and their religious beliefs.

You are god in a human body

For example, it’s very difficult for a Christian or a Jew to believe they are God in a human body creating reality as they move through life.

It’s difficult for some Christians to accept that they can fulfill all their desires, especially desires Christianity tells them are sinful or bad or will send them to hell.

Clients brought up in religion literally have one foot in their religious beliefs, and another foot testing the waters of something they know holds promise. They want their desires, but their religion says their desires are “sinful”. That’s split energy born of conflicting stories.

My mentor adds a beautiful dimension to all this:

"Continuing to tell stories of [for example] shortage only continues to contradict your desire for abundance, and you cannot have it both ways: You cannot focus upon unwanted and receive wanted. You cannot focus upon stories about money that make you feel uncomfortable and allow into your experience what makes you feel comfortable. A different story will bring different results: My thoughts are the basis for the [fulfillment] of all things that I consider to be good, which includes enough money, and health, for my comfort and joy."

Other split energy sources

Religion isn’t the only source that can create split energy. Beliefs adopted from one’s parents or one’s culture often create split energy.

One of my client’s parents, for example, raised her to believe a woman must serve her family to the exclusion of her own desires. She is a powerful woman and is embracing this new approach I offer. As a result she is moving quickly through soothing these old beliefs.

^^My client learns how good it feels focused on oneself.

^^An example of how good it feels cleaning up split energy.

And yet she finds it fascinating how much her old beliefs cause resistance in her which feels like a “struggle” to her. Her old beliefs tell her serving her own selfish desires is bad and wrong. In fact, there’s no better way to be in service to others than when one selfishly pursues one’s desires.

Why selfishness is good

Putting both feet in the “taking care of me” camp results in maximum connection to one’s Broader Perspective, that part of us that knows everything we want, where it is and how to get it. And it is that maximum connection that allows all that one desires to flow effortlessly into one’s life experience, including impulses that, when followed, put you squarely in a fulfilling desire’s path.

“Taking care of me” creates a life experience of joyful exuberance. One sees life experience shaping to the new stories, morphing from the old one and becoming the source or the foundation of a blissful life.

The blissful life leads to self love. And when one loves oneself, it is simple, easy, and joyful loving others. And being selfish, you become the most generous person anyone knows.

Integrating one’s stories so they all reflect what one wants creates wonderful epiphanies, seemingly amazing coincidences. Clear indisputable manifestations are so convincing, you get that life is meant to be fun.

Joyful non-resistance

Split energy resits fulfilling desires. Releasing resistance by cleaning up split energy uncovers every human being’s natural joy. The more a person stands with both feet in that joy, the more blissful their life gets. All of my clients experience this to one degree or another.

The Universe stands ready to deliver to anyone a life consistent with their goodness, their worthiness, their natural connection to the joy of being.

Everyone experiences the joy of life. Bogus stories mask that experience. Split energy results. Cleaning that up starts with wanting to clean it up. The rest happens automatically.

[hannahelizabeth30]

Deafening Silence: Discussing the Lack of LGBTQ+ Representation in the Church & “Preacher’s Kid” by Semler

On February 5, 2021, Grace Semler Baldridge (artist name “Semler”) released the EP “Preacher’s Kid”. What many may not know is that Semler is an affirming, Christ-following artist who is married to her wife, Elizabeth. 

Semler is the first openly queer Christian artist to chart on iTunes. 

I have my own history with the church, and I often call myself jaded as a result of it. I was always wanting to create art that expressed a more inclusive place in the church, how I feel that the American conservative narrative of Christianity is wrong. 

When I sat and listened to Semler’s EP for the first time, I could not help but breathe a sigh of relief. Finally, someone else who knew the truth! Someone who thought like me! I have spent so much time feeling so lonesome in my thoughts and in my heart, knowing that many people are steered away from the Church because of the lack of diversity within it.

I have personally struggled with my sexuality, as I feel that everyone has. Whether it be they struggle through their gender identity, sexual preference, or how they feel about themselves and their own personal relationship with sex, it is important and it is okay to acknowledge these feelings. 

I truly believe that God is not going to damn someone to hell for being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or not identifying within the “gender norm” (ex: transgender, non-binary, etc.) Gender is a spectrum. The only thing about gender that is truly set in stone is the sex you were born (either with “male” or “female” sexual organs, or intersex ((part of the “+” of the LGBTQ+)) when someone is born with  ambiguous genitalia, making them neither male nor female). 

Semler and her music have gotten a lot of attention, both good and bad. It has started conversations that have needed to happen a long time ago. Being able to listen to some of these conversations have been rather insightful.

Last night, I finished listening to Semler speak with Matt from the site called “Memes for Jesus”. One of the main talking points was the fact that non-affirming (believers who do not support LGBTQ+ community) Christians often refuse to acknowledge that affirming (Christians who do support LGBTQ+ community) Christians exist as well as the fact that there are LGBTQ+ believers. 

(Listen here:  https://player.fm/series/memes-for-jesus-podcast/ep37-grace-baldridge-gracebaldridge)

The concept that struck me the most is that many non-affirming believers feel that it is there duty to condemn people who are members of the LGBTQ+ community as well as affirming believers. 

This is one of the many reasons why I did not feel welcome coming back into The Church because I realized that I am an affirming Christ-follower. I was non-affirming for quite a long time and even got in trouble for it, which I am glad that I did. It made me spend a lot of time learning about the LGBTQ+ community, watching documentaries, becoming more knowledgeable, but the thing that has helped me the most is taking Social Inequalities this semester at The University of Akron. This class has opened my eyes as a questioning, white cisgender woman of the privileges' I have been “given” as a result of my race and sexual identity. The icing on the cake was “Preacher’s Kid”. 

If you are in school or out of school, I highly recommend reading the book: Race, Class, Gender: Intersections and Inequalities by Margaret L. Anderson and Patricia Hill Collins (10th Edition). This is the book that was required for my Social Inequalities class and it is filled with essays regarding race, gender, poverty, misogyny, sexuality, and more. It is a long read, but each chapter is an essay, and I highly encourage you to sit and really think about each essay and how you can grow from reading it. 

Buy here: https://booksrun.com/textbooks/9781337685054-race-class-and-gender-an-anthology-10th-edition?afk=5226) (It is a textbook, technically, so it is pretty impossible to find to purchase below the $50-60 range, but if you can rent it or find it from the library, I really highly recommend reading this book).

At the end of the day, it is our job as people of earth (and Heaven) to be challenged and to learn more about people and their struggles.

The ultimate goal is pointing people to Jesus. And we won’t do that by condemning them. 

Now, here are some amazing lyrics from the songs off of “Preacher’s Kid” that have spoken to me and that I hope will encourage you to listen to Semler’s EP.

“Bethlehem” 

“My dad's never cursed in his life I asked if he smoked, he said 'twice' Well, by that standard i'm a goddamn failure I passed blunts the day i married my wife

But i'm a child of god, just in case you forgot And you cast me out every single chance that you got And that's your loss, not mine I'll be better than fine You just missed your shot to meet the unholy divine...”

“You know the mission trips are scams They do more harm than good We got fame hungry pastors Making bank in hollywood”

“Youth Group”

“Youth group lock-ins are really strange concepts That youth group leaders seem to really like It's like 'Let's take some repressed hormonal teenagers And put em' in a church and hope they find Jesus overnight' Like Jesus is a ghost hidin' in the church And if you just stay long enough you'll find him But in my experience, the only thing you find Is your sexuality, this one's for the kids Who have their sexual awakening At the youth group lock-in, it must have been confusing And I hope you're doing well”

“Jesus from Texas”

“And these days I bеlieve in Bigfoot more than God Causе who’s he hurting? I grew up a preacher’s kid cleaning up after communion So I know that a church is not a way to live It’s a weekly reunion My best friend found God, so we lost touch I guess a Savior beats a friend who thinks you’re good enough I hope she finds love and peace And if her kid comes out, I hope that she calls me”

“Oh what a terrible honor it’s been To learn that my blessings are things you called sins I’ll spend the rest of my life tearing down The Jesus from Texas you put in a crown But I won't give up on you”

If you are interested in listening to more of what Grace (Semler) Baldridge has to say, I highly recommend listening to her talk to former Hawk Nelson front man Jon Steingard on his podcast “The Wonder and Mystery of Being” here:  https://thewonderandthemysteryofbeing.buzzsprout.com/1549963/7679044-queer-christian-music-w-grace-baldridge 

[woundedblackbird]

About

Name: William “Billy” Russo

AKA: Blackbird, Billy the Beaut, Jigsaw

Age: 36

Date of Birth: March 26th

Star Sign: Aries

Gender: Cisgender male

Sexuality: Bisexual, female preference

Occupation: Unemployed (Level 5, Redemption Arc)

Formerly: Lieutenant (level 2 + 3), ANVIL CEO (level 4)

Canon Media: Netflix’s Punisher series

NSFW Factlist: Switch, BDSM, slight sadomasochism

P E R S O N A L I T Y

GENERAL (Plus Jigsaw notes)

Billy has always been the selfish sort. Perhaps, had he not spent his formative years taking care of himself in various group and foster homes, he might have come out differently. As it is, he has grown used to having only himself to rely on. While charismatic and capable of great acts of charity, he will always put himself first. It is how he has learned to survive. His desperate need for self preservation leads him to committing some very violent and unforgivable acts, and while he does retain some guilt for what he's done, he excuses it by reminding himself that nobody else will look out for him, if he doesn't take care of himself.

His confidence comes mostly from his good looks, despite some insecurity stemming from a childhood trauma relating to his prettiness. Billy is more than aware of how attractive he is, and will use it to his advantage, preening at any compliments thrown his way. Though he might ignore this personality flaw, Billy has never quite managed to shake that childish desire for praise. Oddly, this need is particularly strong around Frank Castle.

(Note: This need remains even after the disfigurement, but in a far more twisted manner than before. He is also more erratic, prone to anger and arguably quite mentally unstable in his Jigsaw persona. He has outbursts where he appears entirely overwhelmed with emotion, and is unable to control his actions or words for the duration. It can last up to half hour at a time, and appears to be increasing. Recovery is always difficult, often spent shaking and weeping. Naturally, he does not like people to witness this and survive.)

REDEMPTION ARC

In this private AU, we witness a "what if" scenario with Billy. Given a second chance by Death herself ( @terrifiesall ), Billy is returned to his life with a new purpose; to do what he can to right his wrongs. Here we witness a shift in his previously selfish behaviour. He is quite sure that no matter what he does, he will still go to Hell; and yet he tries regardless. There appears to be no "moral dessert," no obvious gain in it for him and yet he tries. The loyalty that he ought to have clung to, the love for Frank's family, the understanding that what he did was wrong- all are present. Albeit it too late. Even with the resurrection of Frank Jr ( @juniorcastle ), there are still two dead people he cannot apologise to.

All in all, he is much the same person albeit it working toward a better version of himself. He will never completely change, and he knows this; but the fact that he is trying to be less selfish, and allowing himself to rely on others is a huge step in the right direction for him. Especially considering he willingly seeks out Dinah Madani ( @charmerlikeme ) and Frank ( @ravenwithagun ) in order to apologise to them, and more or less throw himself on their mercy. He also engages in a relationship of sorts with Natasha Romanoff ( @domina-natasha ) who gives him the punishment he feels he still needs, and who acts as a sort of guidance system.

Essentially, my baby boy is making big strides in this AU and I am proud of him.

H I S T O R Y

"You had a choice. Me, I never did. You saw to that. And yet here I am. You know, all those years in those group homes gives you a lot of time to think. And now I'm returning the favor. Maybe you did me a solid, you know? I mean, the way I see it, you want weak kids, give 'em everything. But if you If you want 'em strong, treat 'em hard."

William Russo was born the only child of a Carla Russo, a meth addict who frequently forgot her child and his needs, seeking only the sweet release her cravings brought her. Too busy chasing the next fix, her son was left to fend for himself in the broken down house they called a home. Forever filled with wastrels and vagrants, with little food to go around. There was no time made for compassion or games, nobody there to kiss him goodnight or wipe away the tears when they came. It gave him great pleasure in his adulthood to confine the woman to a dreary hospital bed.

Little William Russo hardened quickly, and knew just how to defend himself by the time he found himself at the group home; ironically named 'Ray of Hope'. It wasn't long before one of the volunteers noticed just how pretty the little gutter rat was, and his attentions left him with several large bruises and left eleven year old Billy with a broken arm and a lifetime of trauma.

"What, you don't trust him? Ours is not to reason why, Frankie boy. Ours is but to do or die." "That's from a poem about a bunch of guys who got their asses handed to 'em on the back of bad intel, right?" "You are shitting me. You read a poem?"

Frank was like a brother, that much Billy knew. Of course, he didn't particularly know what a brother would be like. Hell, no family connection was a feasible concept to him. Still, Frank had his back and he had Frank's. Billy figured that was enough to make the man family. The two men were inseparable from the beginning, even more so after the events in Basra. Something about being trapped, facing death together and coming out on top bonded people. He met Frank's family when they were both on leave, and instantly bonded with the children, particularly "Little Frank". He'd never known anything about family, but they did their best to teach him. Billy would have done anything for Frank, for his family. For the warm feeling in his soul when he was in their company.

Until something better came along.

Then? Well then... he just couldn't help himself.

"We didn't want our lives to just be gray. We wanted them to mean something. We wanted to be a part of something bigger than ourselves! And here at Anvil, if you are recruited you will find that something. A new brotherhood to call your own. Something to fight for. To live for even."

Orange. Rawlins... he offered everything Billy had ever wanted. Nothing shined more to a penniless orphan than the promise of good money. It seemed he had nothing to lose, and everything to gain. He had an out from an operation he'd long begun to despise; it was too dirty, too risky. He had nothing against the idea of bringing drugs into the country- it was going to happen, why not let it be the army? The method however, and the way it would look if it were to come out? He didn't like that. There'd be no coming back from that.

Frank wouldn't leave, but Billy didn't have the patience to wait for him.

Getting into bed with Rawlins may well have been a mistake, something he would come to regret. He ought to have known really, how dangerous it would be to trust a man like that. A man who could construct an operation like Cerberus without batting an eye but the allure of what he was offering was too much. Billy couldn't help himself. One day, an orphan with nothing to his name and the next? CEO of his own company. His own private, military contracting company where he called the shots.

Ignoring of course, the influence Rawlins would continue to hold over him.

"He didn't have to be alone. We could've helped him." "Yeah. He didn't want any help. He wanted to kill every bastard who had a hand in it." "I miss him. And I could see it. Even before what happened. He was changing. He was finding it harder and harder to come back."

It felt dirty. It felt wrong. He refused to take part.

He still didn't tell Frank.

It would be easy to tell himself that it was too late, that there was very little he could do to stop it. It would be easy to claim that there was no way of getting through to Frank without being stopped, that there would be nothing Frank could do, anyway. The man was a good soldier, but he was up against men just as efficient. There was little use in telling the sheep it was headed to slaughter. The fear would only make things worse. Better to go out in blissful ignorance. So he kept quiet, and hoped the operatives would do a quick and efficient job.

When the news came in, it finally hit him. Maria and the kids had been like a family to him, alongside Frank. Until that moment it hadn't felt real; he'd been able to distance himself from the idea. It wasn't him who pulled the trigger, but knowing the deed was done... made it real. That night, he drank an entire bottle of whiskey, and moved on.

At that point, loss was almost an old friend.

Then came Frank's rampage, and Billy watched the birth and death of The Punisher through the media of New York. It struck him as odd that the man hadn't reached out, hadn't called out to he or Curtis to help him in his quest for vengeance. Somehow, despite knowing he'd played a hand in the betrayal of Frank, despite knowing he could have done something to prevent the murder of his family- he felt hurt.

"Sometimes I think the only way to get by in this world is to step off it for a while, you know? And if it helps, I also had a shitty day." "So, what are we gonna do about that?" "I'm open to suggestions."

Madani was the best assignment he was ever given. The Homeland agent who got too close to discovering Castle, to discovering Rawlins and operation Cerberus. It was a suggestion at first, to get close to her, see what she knew. Happily, she made first contact. No doubt his name had surfaced in her own investigation, and she had no suspicions about how eager he was to talk. How happily he accepted her advances. They had been expected, almost premeditated. After all, he was no stranger to the effect he had on women.

As much as he would like to deny it, Dinah grew on him. He felt genuine concern when he saw the bruising on her ribs, hesitated when she came within his cross hairs. With everything that happened, he didn't want to hurt her. Even as he lied to her face, deceived her, murdered her partner in cold blood... there was a small part of him that liked her, enjoyed her company. But Billy had never known what love was like, save for the glimpses he saw of Frank and Maria. So in the end, he only knew how to love himself.

In that moment on the carousel, he acted on impulse. Had he known it was Dinah would he have hesitated? Perhaps not, but it’s impossible to know. The truth is, it all happened so fast... he had no idea who he was pulling the trigger on. In that moment, it was kill or be killed.

Billy had no intention of dying that night.

"So what? You're just gonna take them all on yourself? How's that going for you so far? Why don't you just let Homeland do it, man? Madani, she she wants them just as bad as you do. Hey. You really think this is what Maria would've wanted for you? We didn't have a choice back then. Now we do."

It was a bittersweet thing, seeing Frank again. For a long time he'd thought the man dead. Hell, he'd mourned him long enough- long nights sat by the makeshift grave Curtis put together, drinking themselves into a stupor and rambling on in nostalgic recollections. To learn that he'd been alive all this time had inspired a feeling of betrayal that threatened to outweigh the truth of his own failings. When he saw Frank again, he didn't know how he felt.

Rawlins wanted the man dead. Told Billy as such the moment Frank reared his head, but Billy couldn't do it. Much as he liked to claim himself an independent man with no real attachments- he couldn't bring himself to kill his only friend. Perhaps had he known the trouble Frank would cause him in the future, he might have reconsidered.

In the end he conceded to playing bait. To luring Frank out into the open with a false offer of asylum; shipping his friend out to another country where he could eke out his remaining days in peace. Frank, predictable bastard that he was; wouldn't take the offer. Even as he scowled out across the empty docks, Billy couldn't help but feel a twinge of relief. Inaction had been an acceptable excuse in the deaths of the Castle family, but he wasn't yet comfortable playing a direct part in the murder of the one remaining member. Still, Frank knew too much, and when the man finally put the dots together- would do what he could to utterly destroy Rawlins, Billy... everything he'd worked so hard for. Even when he helped Frank put Rawlins down, he knew there was no escaping it; Castle was gunning for him, too.

There was nothing for it, Frank had to die.

It was self preservation.

"Attachments are a weakness, Frank. I never had anybody." "You had us, Bill." "The Punisher? What a crock of shit."

In the end, it was always going to come down to him and Frank.

In the end, it was going to be one man standing.

Billy was determined to be that man, but he'd underestimated the utter brutality that Frank Castle was capable of. There had been a time where perhaps he would have stood a chance at besting him, back when the two of them were training daily, fighting daily. With Anvil, the suits, the position of power... he'd softened. Or at least, it was the excuse he gave himself as Frank slammed him into the ground.

Everything had been set up for his success. The location, the carousel... it had been designed to throw Frank into a sense of confusion, throw him off his game and leave him vulnerable. The blood, the screams and the crying were supposed to trigger Castle's PTSD and tip the scales in Billy's favour. Were it not for Madani's interference, Billy likes to think he might have stood a chance at winning.

The sheer agony that exploded across his face as Castle dragged him down the smashed glass was the salt in the wound of his defeat. Time and time again Frank slammed his face into the jagged mess and Billy saw his own terror reflected back to him over and over in the shards. He pleaded, begged with Frank to finish it; to kill him, but Frank refused. Frank Castle, The Punisher; the man who never left an enemy alive decided to spare him. To let Billy live with his mutilated face and remember his crimes.

P O S T  S E A S O N  O N E (2 ROUTES)

CANON DIVERGENT

coming soon

SEASON TWO

coming soon (well, as soon as the season does)

[gizedcom]

Long Road To Hollywood: Why Actors With Disabilities Have Yet To Be Recognized

A pedophilic circus performer. A comedic womanizer. A killer.

These were just a few of the roles that Danny Woodburn was offered when he began auditioning for film and TV roles in the early 1990s. Woodburn, a self-described little person, quickly found that nearly every character he portrayed was “miserable,” broken or evil.

“The go-to, I think, for little people is to make them creepy or animalistic,” the actor and producer told HuffPost.

Even after landing a recurring role on “Seinfeld” and scoring gigs on shows including “Watchmen,” “Jane the Virgin” and “CSI,” Woodburn said he still came across casting opportunities that recycled tiresome tropes invoking pathos for “the sad little man.” Just a couple of years ago, casting agents tried to pitch him on a role in a Christmas special by saying he’d get the chance to kiss a famous performer.

“The big selling point was that I’d be able to make out with this well-known actress,” Woodburn said of the project. “I was like, ’Who cares about that when you’ve created this horrible, stereotypical character and the idea is that I should be so lucky to have this opportunity as a little person to be in the arms of this well-known actress and making out with her on screen?’ They were looking down on little people in that sense.”

Woodburn turned down every role that he found to be demeaning toward people with disabilities, determined not to contribute to objectifying portrayals of disability.

“It’s cost me a lot of jobs, but at the same time it’s given my career longevity,” he said. 

Jerod Harris via Getty Images

Danny Woodburn attends a Television Academy and SAG-AFTRA event in North Hollywood on Sept. 11, 2018.

The entertainment industry has always struggled to provide authentic representation of people with disabilities. In 2016, only 2.7% of characters in the 100 highest-earning movies were disabled, according to a report from the University of Southern California’s Annenberg School for Communication and Journalism. And if people with disabilities are depicted at all in film, television or theater, they tend to be in polarizing narratives that portray them as objects of pity or inspiration. Stories approaching disabled characters through a holistic, neutral lens are few and far between.

It also takes creative people with disabilities significantly longer than their nondisabled peers to get their big break, if they do at all. 

Disabled people are often shut out of Hollywood because they “miss a rung on the ladder” early on in their careers, casting agent Gail Williamson of KMR Talent said last year at ReelAbilities, the largest festival of films for and about people with disabilities.

For some people, that means being shut out of a writers room. For many, it means dealing with unsupportive film schools or a casting director’s blunt preference for abled artists. And for others, a missed career opportunity can be attributed to nothing more than a damn broken elevator. 

Accessible, But Not Really

In January 2019, Fuchsia Carter signed up for an audition that specifically said performers with disabilities were welcome. Carter, a trained actor who uses a wheelchair, emailed the production company to ask whether the building was accessible. “Regrettably, the space we perform in is only accessible by stairs,” the company’s team wrote back, noting they were “delighted” she wanted to audition. 

Carter has had dozens of similar experiences over the course of nearly a decade. She has turned up for auditions only to discover the building doors weren’t wide enough, the elevator was out of order or there was no parking.

When she does finally make it to an audition, casting agents often assume her wheelchair is a prop. They’re floored that a wheelchair user could also be a professional actor.

“I often get asked if I can show able-bodied actors how to use a wheelchair convincingly,” said Carter, recalling one incident when casting agents for a crime show asked her if she could give lessons to another actor up for the same role. “I’m like, no, you can either hire me as the actor for the character or you can go jump.”

Even at the most basic training level, actors with disabilities are denied opportunities to hone their craft.

Actor Christine Bruno, who received degrees in acting and directing in 1998, said dance movement classes were typically a requirement for her programs — but that she didn’t have the opportunity to take them.

“They wouldn’t teach me because they didn’t know how to teach me,” said Bruno, a little person who has since been cast in “Law & Order” and, most recently, the CBS series “God Friended Me.” “They probably didn’t want to be responsible for whatever liability they thought that that would bring, so basically they refused to allow me to take their classes.”

When she asked the administration if there was another way she could fulfill the requirement, they told her not to worry about it.

“I was like, wait a minute,” she said. “I’m paying all this money for an education. I want to be afforded the same education everyone else is getting.”

I often get asked if I can show able-bodied actors how to use a wheelchair convincingly. Fuchsia Carter, actor

Other disabled professionals in the entertainment industry said they’ve faced similar roadblocks while studying the arts. 

Carey Cox, a theater actor with Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, said directors in her movement classes “would physically put their hands on my body and try to adjust [me] or get me to do things I was uncomfortable with.”

“If I fell or couldn’t hold my balance, it was brought up in my evaluations,” she said.

Dominick Evans, a filmmaker, said one of his theater instructors in 2009 only gave him monologues of characters with disabilities — including a deaf character and a blind character from “Oedipus,” even though Evans is a wheelchair user. He left the school the following year and didn’t finish his program.

He graduated from a different film school a few years later, calling the experience “hell” because of inaccessibility and the fact that he was told by one professor that other instructors didn’t want him in their vocal classes because they “didn’t know what to do with me because of my wheelchair.”

That same year, Evans began hosting a Twitter chat using the hashtag #FilmDis and met dozens of other people who were upset about the lack of disability representation on screen. He turned the discussion into an organization with the same name, which released a white paper in March that found that cisgender white men made up the majority of disabled characters on TV during the 2018-2019 TV season.

“In film school they taught us, ‘write what you know,’” Evans wrote during one #FilmDis Twitter chat. “And yet all these films that feature disability are not by us.”

A Steep Climb

When marginalized performing artists are absent from the creative process, both the art and the community suffer. And that’s especially true when nondisabled actors are cast to play characters with disabilities.

In “Me Before You,” a 2016 film based on a bestselling romance novel, a woman takes care of a quadriplegic man who has chosen to die by assisted suicide (played by Sam Claflin, who is nondisabled). The movie also plays out the trope that it would be better for everyone if people with disabilities were dead. 

“The Upside” received widespread criticism for casting actor Bryan Cranston as a wheelchair user and maintaining “a weakness for sentimentality, a reliance on clichés and caricatures,” as the Los Angeles Times wrote in 2019.

Most recently, “Come as You Are,” a movie about three disabled men taking a road trip with a nurse to a brothel for people with disabilities, faced significant backlash for casting all nondisabled actors as the main characters.

But there is some evidence that the tide is beginning to turn. In 2018, for example, about 20% of disabled characters on TV were portrayed by actors with the same disability — up from just 5% two years earlier, according to a study from the Ruderman Foundation, which promotes full inclusion of people with disabilities.

Lauren Ridloff, who plays a deaf character on “The Walking Dead,” is set to become Marvel’s first deaf superhero in 2021′s “The Eternals.” Zack Gottsagen, star of “The Peanut Butter Falcon,” became the first actor with Down syndrome to present an Oscar in February. Ryan Haddad portrays a student with cerebral palsy in “The Politician.” And last year, Ali Stroker became the first wheelchair user to win a Tony Award.

Frazer Harrison via Getty Images

Actors Kumail Nanjiani, Lauren Ridloff, Brian Tyree Henry and Barry Keoghan attend Go Behind the Scenes with Walt Disney Studios in Anaheim, California, on Aug. 24, 2019. Ridloff, part of the cast of “The Walking Dead,” is set to be a Marvel superhero in “The Eternals.”

Many actors, casting directors and other industry figures said they’re increasingly seeing disabled actors playing more dynamic characters — which has naturally led to more authentic, groundbreaking and complex storytelling.

In “Raising Dion,” a Netflix drama series about a kid superhero that premiered in October,  Esperanza (played by newcomer Sammi Haney) builds a friendship with Dion (Ja’Siah Young) and helps him save the world. She also happens to use a wheelchair, but that’s just one facet of her character’s story. In one episode, she tells Dion that his play tent isn’t accessible to wheelchairs in a way that shows how assertive, confident and witty she can be. In another, she gets upset when Dion assumes Esperanza wishes she could walk and teaches her friend that just because someone is disabled doesn’t mean they want to be cured. 

Becoming The Norm

The increased representation of disability on screen is a result of decades of advocacy work to recognize disability as part of the greater movement for diversity in entertainment — not a separate cause. 

In 2011, for example, Woodburn and several other members of the SAG-AFTRA Performers With Disabilities Committee teamed up with the Association of Motion Picture and Television Producers, a trade union representing workers in the entertainment industry. Together, they created a task force aimed at creating more opportunities for disabled performers, which has led to new relationships with studios and better industry practices on disability hiring.

Many advocates said it’s important for nondisabled people to be involved in pushing for change. Disabled people, after all, are all too cognizant of how underrepresented their community is.

Most recently, the movie “Come as You Are,” about three disabled men, faced backlash for casting all nondisabled actors for the main characters.

In late January, the Ruderman Foundation released an open letter to Hollywood executives and production companies, urging them to cast more people with disabilities. Dozens of people in the industry — including Marlee Matlin (who in 1987 became the first and only deaf actor to win an Oscar), Danny DeVito, Eva Longoria, Mark Ruffalo and Glenn Close — signed on, and the foundation has since partnered with the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the organization behind the Oscars, to recruit students with disabilities and from other underrepresented communities who are looking to break into Hollywood.

The Cincinnati chapter of ReelAbilities, the film festival for and about people with disabilities, relaunched in 2018 as the Over-the-Rhine International Film Festival. The name change came as part of an effort to make disability part of a larger dialogue around inclusive storytelling.

The festival drew in nearly eight times as many people as it had before the rebranding, Jack W. Geiger, the event’s managing director, told HuffPost. 

“It’s raised the level of consciousness across the board,” he said, adding that more than half of the films at the festival still feature disability-related storylines. “Since the rebranding, it’s allowed us to expand the awareness of disability to a much wider audience.”

The best part of my ‘General Hospital’ dream coming true is that the character is not written as disabled. She is because I am.” Maysoon Zayid, comedian and actor

Also in 2018, the Casting Society of America hosted its first open casting call for actors with disabilities. More than 50 casting directors participated and auditioned at least 900 disabled actors as part of the call, according to Variety — showing that the common misconception that there aren’t enough disabled actors to fill roles simply isn’t true.

“The industry has an extraordinary opportunity to do work that’s truthful,” said Lynn Meyers, a member of the Casting Society of America who has also worked on casting calls for Over-the-Rhine.

“I think that’s all of our responsibilities as producers, writers, directors and actors, knowing that there are people that want to work with them and not giving up,” said Meyers, who has cast movies including “The Killing of a Sacred Deer” and “The Shawshank Redemption.” “It’s easy to say that; much harder for somebody to break through that.”

But even as disability has become increasingly visible on screen and behind the scenes, disabled people of color — including women and LGBTQ folks of color — are often left out of the narratives.

“Anytime you do see disability, it’s a white boy,” said comedian and actor Maysoon Zayid, referencing Ryan O’Connell in “Special,” RJ Mitte in “Breaking Bad” and Micah Fowler in “Speechless.”  

Astrid Stawiarz via Getty Images for Together Live

“The best part of my ‘General Hospital’ dream coming true is that the character is not written as disabled. She is because I am,” said Maysoon Zaid, shown here at a New York City event last November.

“I love them and I support them, but maybe we could see some more women, huh?” she said. 

Even on “groundbreaking” shows, she said, directors and screenwriters need to ask themselves, “Who am I missing?”

Zayid spent the first year and a half of her career auditioning for movies and TV shows. When nobody wanted to cast her, a Palestinian Muslim woman with cerebral palsy, she started performing stand-up instead. Acting opportunities were sparse, and she landed only a few small roles. 

Last year, she got a recurring role as an attorney on “General Hospital.” It had taken her more than 17 years to get to that point. 

“The best part of my ‘General Hospital’ dream coming true is that the character is not written as disabled,” Zayid said. “She is because I am.”

Advocates hope that the industry will get to a point where disabled artists are taken seriously and given opportunities to play characters that have complex backstories, story arcs, personalities and lives that don’t solely revolve around their disabilities.

“I don’t want to be given a job because I’m disabled,” said Carter, the actor who was shut out of inaccessible auditions. “I want to be given the chance to show that I have talent.”

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[jade-elite]

I actually never saw the whole video until now , but I remember it. All the time I see things that remind me of the time period around it’s release. I only ever saw clips and gifs picking it apart and bashing it, people bitching about how it supported unhealthy binding methods showing them using ace bandages, and should be taken down before people hurt themselves with ideas from it. People complaining that it sexualized aspects of transion, that it belittled aspects of transtion. I never once saw a cisgendered person complaining about how it would corrupt the youth of America and condeming her to hell. Just people picking petty shit to bitch about.

Now this came out when I was a very socially isolated highschooler who didn’t wander far on the internet so god knows what was being discussed elsewhere. I just know that in MY space, people hated it for reasons that now that I’m watching it, or really fucking stupid. Ruby Rose came out as a lesbian at age 12, and this video was them coming out to the entire world as genderfluid in....2014 if I’m reading Wikipedia right which was my senior year so that sounds about right.

The thing that I actually remember most clearly, is that that was the year the world started to shift for me. Like the entire paridiem was turned on it’s axis, and whether that was a result of this video’s release, or this video a result of it, or them being two entities passing int he night while I”m watching, I don’t know. All I know is the when I break down my life into timeframes, the release of this viideo has always marked th ebeginning of an era

Who remembers this?