#relearning singing and talking again

[shima-draws]

I've been teasing her for months!! But at long last her ref is complete 🌷

I actually DON'T have a 5 page essay on her backstory this time (like I did for Ilari LMAO) but I do have some info about her if anybody is curious!

Name: Ione

Age: 25

Hair color: Silver

Eye color: Orangish-yellow

Element: Light

Grabbing info from the few posts I've talked about her already, Ione was originally a very famous singer, pretty much an idol within the world of ATS. She'd hold huge concerts that were always sold out and people from around the world would flock to see her perform. Eventually tho all of the attention started to attract the wrong kinds of people, and sooner or later Ione was "scouted" by a very rich man who wanted her all to himself. She was manipulated and blackmailed into signing a contract with him that would essentially end her touring and make it so that she would become a private singer for him. He basically chained her with this contract and so she disappeared from the public eye.

Ione soon discovered that other people with similar talents had also been gathered and trapped by this man's contracts. Among them was a prodigy violin player who she grew very close with. The two of them struggled under the demands of this man, and eventually violin boy started to get physically abused by him 😭 Things escalated to the point where Ione decided she wanted OUT and was determined to do anything to escape. This led to a very...traumatic event that caused her to go mute by choice.

When Ione finally makes her escape, thankfully she's changed so much that people don't recognize her in public (mostly her hair! It used to be short and didn't cover one of her eyes before). Shortly after she runs into Nahu and his group, and is unceremoniously recruited to join them lol (Nahu can be VERY persuasive). Ione communicates with them through sign language, which luckily a couple of them are fluent in--Ezio and Sage to be specific. They then teach the others in the group sign language too. It takes Nahu a bit to get the hang of it bc he has like, no attention span whatsoever, but being a dragon elemental helps since his senses are super attuned all the time, so he can generally tell what Ione is feeling and what she's trying to convey when she talks to him :")

Over time Ione grows closer with them, and like everybody else is hit with the Found Family, and realizes that yeah. She'd do absolutely ANYTHING for this group of crazy weirdos. She starts to fall in love with Nahu (bc who WOULDN'T), and slowly gains the courage to use her voice again. This leads to secret meetings with Sage, who helps her relearn how to use her vocal cords.

Eventually her past catches up with her, of course, but the group all bands together to set her free from it. She has to face off against violin boy, who thought she'd abandoned him and got Messed Up Mentally as a result, so THAT'S a thing she's gotta deal with. But she's able to reach him by singing for the first time in over five years, and everyone absolutely loses their shit at how beautiful her voice is and they all cry and it’s very emotional!!

Even after regaining her voice she still prefers to stay quiet most of the time, as that is what she's comfortable with, but she's totally okay with speaking when she needs to. Also I need to mention this but bc she used to be like. An idol. Obviously her routines consisted of both song and dance so she's a pretty good dancer. Out of everyone in the group, Ione is the ONLY person Ezio will dance with (and he is a very VERY good dancer himself, but will only dance with someone who can keep up with him, which Ione can). Everyone is very jealous of this, ESPECIALLY Nahu lol bc he wants to dance with Ezio too 😂

Ione's a light elemental! I haven't given a LOT of thought into her powers yet but I do know that her singing makes her stronger and also gives her powers a boost, which in turn helps the rest of the group. She also can ride on these light waves--I will have to draw them sometime bc I can't really explain them in words, it'd be better to show them visually lol

And that's her!! My flower light mute girl <33333

[meditativedeer]

winter rules

late for this one but the hard half of winter is staring me in the face and I need these for myself.

write. clear all the shit from your desk and write like you're an insane tortured playwright because you are.

stay up late and sleep in when you want to.

wake up early and sit on the porch with a coffee and observe the morning mist and coldness. the solid chill of the concrete beneath your ass will ground you. wear the slippers Santa brought.

go on a run and don't worry about endurance. walk to warm up then sprint as if you're being chased by a bear/dinosaur/demented serial killer until you can't anymore. walk for a bit then do it again. so much more fun than jogging.

cold sea swim with friends because now you have friends that actually want to do it with you so never ever ever take that for granted. that's special.

wear all black and enjoy the contrast of your hair. feel like an elegant and mysterious student.

relearn German. yes on duolingo but also get romantic with it. handwrite, watch German movies, sing along to German music and listen to podcasts.

conserve your energy. you don't have to be talkative if you don't want to be, just make sure to be kind anyway.

wear soft jumpers and big jeans. mess with your hair all the time.

flirt boldly with the women in your dating apps, to celebrate being comfortable in your sexuality at last. and the practice is useful.

read scripts online. there's so many and they're all free.

go on walks and enjoy having to wear four layers and a scarf and gloves and hat. doesn't happen all year round.

when on these walks, pay attention to the heavy clouds and cool tones of the trees. listen to bon iver. look at the clouds of breath you can create.

when home from said walk, make a ritual out of peeling off each layer, putting your slippers on, making a hot drink and putting the tv on.

mothering is on hold grandmothering is taking over.

stretch so your body doesn't turn brittle from the cold.

mulled wine and cider isn't just for Christmas make that shit at home we all need it.

keep the Christmas lights up for as long as you want.

go to tk maxx with your mum. get some cheap shit and try not to argue too much

let yourself have little luxuries. I work in a coffee shop but I ordered a pour over kit so I can make my own fancy coffee at home.

you don't have to go clubbing if you don't want to. you don't have to drink if you don't want to. you don't actually have to do anything you don't want to do, you must follow your hearts desire.

with that in mind, don't let seasonal depression convince you that you don't want to see your friends. you do.

yes comfort food is necessary at this time of year but try to find comfort in hot soups and baked salads and oatmeal and fruit because your body needs good whole foods so you have the energy to get out of bed in the morning and don't want to throw yourself out of the window.

meditate in the shower

yes listen to music dance and boogie

silence is also good sometimes you need to turn off every device and go and do something simple with your brain

fill up the sink with water and ice cubes and stick your face in it for an instant hit of dopamine. one of many ways to hack into your happy hormones.

another, less fun way, is to do the dishes or change your bedsheets. make a game out of it because you'll be happy when it's done.

read poetry get real pretentious with it oh yeah baby I love u

everything will be so much more than fine everything is here just for you don't be afraid.

[cringelordofchaos]

HELLO, DEAR MUTUALS (please read if you're a mutual of mine)

I have decided that these days I am not going to be on the Internet as much for several reasons:

My mental health; being online so much really isn't helpful and it stresses me out and it makes me feel like I'm not doing anything worthwhile. my general digital screentime is extremely high. also, I just feel much better off the internet no matter how addicting the internet really is, I just feel better in the real world and I feel much better going outside. I just feel much happier of the 'net, much more alive

My school life ; my grades are absolutely. horrendous. And if I don't want to repeat the whole school year, I'll have to study, even though I need additional help and support (which I am a bit ashamed of personally). In order to focus on my grades I won't be on the internet as much so I can study more and relearn almost a whole decade of school (don't ask, it's complicated)

Pursuing new interests; this sort of ties into the mental health aspect of it all, but I want to pursue more "productive" or more creative interests, and to do so I would have to spend less time on the internet. I want to play the flute more, I want to draw more, I want to learn more, I want to animate, I want to sing, act, crochet, craft, etc; the internet and digital life distracts me from my goals as to who I wanna be and how I want to spend my time

To get more friends; I love my mutuals, and I consider them all great friends!!! genuinely, interacting with you all makes me so happy. But I think having more non-online friends might do me some good.

To reconnect with my language a bit more; this one isn't as serious but as a person who's first language isn't English, at times I feel deeply ashamed of the fact that I speak the English language better than my own language. The reason as to why that is because I spend more time communicating with online people (with the English language) rather than speaking with people in my country. This one like I said isn't as serious but I just want to be more familiar with my own language than the English language hope you don't mind!!!

My physical health; I don't think this one needs much explaining?

To simply rediscover a better purpose in my life

To not disappoint the people around me - this isn't my primary reason for doing any of this but it feels so fucking awful whenever millennials and older people talk shit about the newer generations and how they have no life outside of their digital life, with little regard to the newer generations own emotions or well being. I feel like I'm disappointing my grandma, my father and the random people on the internet and myself. Again I have much better reasons to stop using the internet as much but this is one of the many reasons I have

Now, this might change? Idk, I might come back this weekend and start binge using the internet again and go down the awful internet rabbithole again. I will still go online sometimes!! Just most definitely not as much

I hope you understand!! I love you all have a great day!!!

[day6source]

DAY6 Open Up About Their Long-Awaited Comeback and What Fourever Means to Them: 'It's Our Time' (Exclusive)

"I think the last three years was a period of self-care and self-love," SUNGJIN says of the 4-piece band's hiatus by Jenna Wang

After a long break, returning to the stage again might feel a little intimidating. Just like with any activity, time spent away might make anyone feel hesitant — like trying to re-learn how to bike, or going through the motions of swimming again.  However, when the K-pop boy band DAY6 pulls back the curtain with a flourish, it’s clear that their three-year-long hiatus hasn’t stopped them in their tracks. For the boys — SUNGJIN, 31, Young K, 30, WONPIL, 29, and DOWOON, 28 — the stage is their natural element.  From the way they passionately sing as the spotlights fall on their faces, they couldn’t be happier to be together again. And as the chorus of their latest album’s first track builds up, they have one message for those who have anticipated their comeback: “Welcome to the Show.” 

Their eighth mini-album name, Fourever, hits the nail on the head with its overall theme, composed of seven tracks about love, nostalgia and what happiness really is. As the boys gather one late evening to talk about the comeback, they can’t help but reflect on their pop rock journey together since their debut back in 2015. While dressed warmly in long sleeves and quarter zips, the energy they exude together is just as heartwarmingly bright.  “It’s our time,” Young K says to PEOPLE. “Being able to put out this album would be our biggest joy, really coming back altogether and being able to present ourselves in front of My Days because they have been waiting for this moment as much as us, hopefully.”  Indeed, being together in front of their fans, dubbed “My Days,” has been a long time coming. Through all the trials and tribulations, their unity is what stands out as they speak, and especially in their lyrics.  “I’m so moved by the stage / That I won’t be alone any longer,” Young K sings in the first track, surrounded by his fellow bandmates. 

However, with any comeback from a break, a bundle of mixed emotions is to be expected.  “If you listen to our song, ‘I Smile,’ there’s a lyric that says ‘half-nervous and half-excited,’” DOWOON says of the track, released in 2017. “That’s exactly how I feel.”  For the past three years, the DAY6 members completed their required military enlistment in South Korea. While they underwent basic training, they also could reflect on what meant most to them.  “I think the last three years was a period of self-care and self-love,” SUNGJIN says. “I have come to realize that in order for this band to exist, I have to exist first, so I really try to teach myself how to take care of myself well.” 

For SUNGJIN, self-care might be as simple as buying a small gift for himself, or meeting with loved ones. And even though all the boys were completing their service, that didn’t mean they were restricted from seeing one another. In fact, DOWOON recalls a humorous moment when he was in a TV program, and WONPIL and Young K joined him to perform.  “They insisted that they come into my room and share my bed while we were training, while we were practicing together — so that’s one memory that I have,” DOWOON shares.  “That’s how glad we were to see him,” Young K adds with a laugh.  When asked how large the bed was, WONPIL doesn’t beat around the bush with his response: “Yeah, it was very small.”  The boys also had ample free time outside of training to engage in hobbies, and DOWOON’s was especially productive. The drummer, and the band’s youngest member, says he taught himself how to play the bass drums and pushed himself to continually “relearn.” Mastering the instrument became the challenge he set out to accomplish for the album. DOWOON is far from the only member who plays an instrument. In fact, what makes the boy band especially unique is how every member excels at their own instrument. While SUNGJIN rocks it as the rhythm guitarist, WONPIL effortlessly works the keyboard and synthesizer. Young K has always been the bassist of the group, but surprisingly, has never played a bass instrument before becoming a trainee. However, you wouldn’t be able to tell because of how much he practices for upcoming albums. “That becomes the best way of practice for me,” he says of his practicing regimen. “Of course, doing the chromatics, slowing down and then going at the right pace — that would be a great practice session.” “That’s why I don’t call myself the best bassist, but that’s what I do,” he simply adds.

Regardless of how they practice, their instrumental mastery shines through in each of the tracks. They serve to highlight the deep meanings associated with each song, like SUNGJIN’s favorite — “HAPPY.” The second track revolves around one question: “Why am I gradually sinking when I want to be happy?” For SUNGJIN, the melancholic song is one that he can especially relate to. “I empathize with it the most because it talks about the question that I had for myself for a long time, which is how I had this obscure thought that happiness will come along one day,” he says. As the boys begin to contemplate about what the songs mean, it’s apparent that they draw on a lot of memories and feelings from the past. Indeed, nostalgia ( a feeling “relatable to everyone,” says SUNGJIN) is a core tenant in tracks such as “Get the Hell Out,” which address lingering, and often tormenting memories. 

Embarrassing memories might often fall under the same vein, and Young K can recall an especially funny memory. When he was still a trainee, he appeared on a TV show and said he was “from Toronto.” However, he chose not to say the Canadian city’s name in a Korean accent, and that’s what people will “still make fun” of him for to the present day.  “I don’t even have to think back on it — people make me think back on it,” he says of the inescapable memory. “People bring it up, and I’m still that guy from Toronto.”  As the boys begin to contemplate about what the songs mean, it’s apparent that they draw on a lot of memories and feelings from the past. Indeed, nostalgia ( a feeling “relatable to everyone,” says SUNGJIN) is a core tenant in tracks such as “Get the Hell Out,” which address lingering, and often tormenting memories.  Embarrassing memories might often fall under the same vein, and Young K can recall an especially funny memory. When he was still a trainee, he appeared on a TV show and said he was “from Toronto.” However, he chose not to say the Canadian city’s name in a Korean accent, and that’s what people will “still make fun” of him for to the present day.  “I don’t even have to think back on it — people make me think back on it,” he says of the inescapable memory. “People bring it up, and I’m still that guy from Toronto.” 

Perhaps just as recurring in all the boys’ lives is the motif of love, which many of their tracks explore. Yet, even with tracks like “The Power of Love” and “Let Me Love You,” the boys still agree that much is still unknown about the power of the emotion.  “I’m not 100% certain if I know what love is, but I think for now, sacrifice takes a big part of it,” WONPIL says.  “And consideration,” SUNGJIN chimes in, before diving deeper. 

“The definition of love is still unclear to me, but I feel it,” he continues. “I really feel from my parents what real love is, and it’s something that I didn’t realize before. Now, I really realize what my parents gave me was real love.”  DOWOON says he can feel a special kind of love between him and the fans.  “When I look into the eyes of My Days, I can feel their love for us,” he says. “I learned a lot about love from My Days, and I constantly think about how we can return that love and I think I’m still in the learning process of the definition of love. But for now, I can say that the love that My Days gives us — we feel that a lot.”  Young K, too, also has much to contemplate about when thinking about love. For him, the idea of love is “very interesting” in many ways. 

“Love has been existing ever since human beings existed, or ever since language existed, and people are still asking what the definition of love is,” he explains. “It still hasn’t been defined. I can say whatever we say is not the definition for everyone, but I feel like I can certainly say love exists everywhere.”  Later on, the group also demonstrates how love isn’t only between them or their fans, but even for their past selves. That’s something they don’t forget to mention as they grow into their late twenties and early thirties, as DOWOON proves with a message to his younger self.  “Just be there and stay there, and it will brighten up one day,” he says after a thoughtful moment. “Learn to love yourself as soon as possible in order to help others.”  Despite their more mature outlook on things, it’s clear that the DAY6 members haven’t lost their charismatic and youthful energy. Since they’ve united together again, the band has shared countless memories, full of ab-forming laughs.  “When we were practicing, I asked WONPIL: ‘How much longer are you going to practice?’”DOWOON recalls. “He said, ‘I can practice as long as I want, what’s wrong with it?’” As the members begin to smile, DOWOON adds: “And he shouted, ‘Just leave me alone, let me practice in peace!’” WONPIL also adds his two cents as well about what, or in this case, who, makes him laugh the most.

“I always get a laugh from Young K,” he says. “He always makes me laugh. I can’t exactly point out what it was recently, but I remember laughing really, really hard because of Young K.” In response, Young K shrugs humorously in confusion, just as DOWOON brings up his Toronto motif again. Now, with their comeback, the DAY6 members are ready for what’s ahead, no matter how rocky, smooth or unpredictable the waves may be. In fact, unpredictability is already something that they’re used to, Young K says.  “When we first came out, there were no numbers, or very small numbers compared to now,” he reflects. “For example, ‘You Were Beautiful’ went in the charts years later after it was released. So, you never know what’s going to happen in the future. All we got to do is just make good music and work hard.”  As for any upcoming plans? Besides a concert in mid-April, they can’t make any guarantees about anything else. However, they have their hopes set in stone.  “I don’t know if anything is set yet, but we’re hoping to go around the world,” Young K teases. “I promise you, and this is a promise — nothing is set yet.” 

[knackfandomarchive]

KNACK music in my head. Might be a sign to start playing again.

One of my 'maybe someday' goals is to be able to sing as Knack. That would be awesome.

I sort of know how to lower my pitch. I also am growing vaguely familiar with the concept of vocal weight. Thirdly, I can sometimes growl when speaking. But I struggle to combine them, and it still misses the mark. I'm hopeful, though.

Sadly, I don't have much control over my voice yet. Additionally, there are even more vocal qualities and speaking habits that distinguish my occasional imitation attempts from the target.

For example, my voice has a certain nasal quality to it (I'm not sure the right term) that seems to become apparent the more I listen. My pronunciation is also a tad lazy - and trying to pronounce words harder just feels like emphasizing that odd nasal quality. By contrast, Knack's voice is very clear even when he sounds casual. I'm not sure how much of this might be due to microphone/room quality. I lack the ability to really hear myself.

This odd quality really frustrates me, because I have no clue why it happens or what to look up. 'Fixing it' might involve having to relearn how to talk, in the worst case. Up until relatively recently, I tended to avoid listening to myself at all.

Tomorrow will be the beginning of my 14th week on T. I've heard that vocal changes take 2-5 years to complete, and it's not good to try too hard with the voice stuff - something about straining.

What's a good beginner resource for getting familiar with voice stuff? I don't like videos, but since unfamiliar terminology like color, brightness, and darkness slides right off my brain, I might have to learn through video. Which makes sense because audio.

Is it possible that some bits just aren't possible to do no matter how hard you try?

[ofonikabutobeetlesandmen]

Pre!4.0 Fontaine Thoughts & Musings

While I do plan on dropping my Fontaine theories pre!4.0 at some point, this is just more of my thoughts surrounding the nation as a whole based on the teasers and summaries of some leaked items. So this is most definitely your chance to back away now if you end up being one of the few people that read my ramblings and find them amusing in some way.

But yeah if you were here way back during 2.1, you’ll have seen this post of mine talking about how excited I was for Sumeru and Fontaine. I started playing the game in 1.1 and these were the nations I looked most forward to after seeing the Teyvat Travail trailer. My interest in these nations only grew further with the various NPCs we’ve run into talking about these countriesー and now both of my preferred nations are finally about to be on the ‘released nations’ list.

I’ve enjoyed Sumeru’s deserts and forests, the struggles of the desertfolk and the Eremites and seeing Cyno and Collei again, as well as some new friends made along the way. Now it’s time for Fontaine.

(Fingers crossed for some Afro-Fontainians since rock n roll was in real life was made by African Americans evolved through several genres of our music like Blues, Jazz, R&B and gospel among other genres but because this is Hoyoverse and we all saw how ‘well’ they did with Sumeru, I highly doubt there will be any despite France’s diversity. Welp, nothing the power of making OCs and edits can’t fix. Maybe I’ll use that time to finally relearn French like I’ve been planning, which I took for a year in high school because Creole runs in both sides of the family but then I forgot it all.)

Fontaine had me in a death clutch a while back during the Tatara Tales questline when Xavier had a small little monologue about his homeland in 2.0:

"For instance, I could tell you of the majestic waterfall that made a deep impression on my soul as I worked in my study in Petrichor. Or perhaps I could sing the praises of the countless gorgeous maidens in the Court of Fontaine, ethereal as the clouds themselves... Or the mesmerizing lake that held the reflections of the stars and the moon, such that walking along its banks was like treading amid the celestial skies..."

It sounded so beautiful that I wanted the remote from click to just fast forward to the point in time in which we’d finally be there. Every NPC from Fontaine until that point had talked about Fontaine being pretty, but none of them ever went into that much detail before.

I ate up the Dew of Repudiation Petrichor crumbs "Even if it were to flow into the surpassingly pure waters of Petrichor, this drop of water will likely resist assimilation as strongly as mercury."

Pocketed every trinket of info given by event NPCs about Fontaine’s energy crisis and how 

Noted the lore on the Lochfolk/Oceanids from Rhodeia to Endora to the Spring Fairy and the information about the Lord of Amrita.

And now we have Idyia in that lineup with the new summer event going on right now in 3.8! It has long-since been stated since 1.4 that the Lochfolk were followers of the previous Hydro Archon, now known as the Lord of Amrita aka Egeria (according to leaks). They were tasked with spreading out across Fontaine as her spies, but they note it wasn’t because she was plotting war or anything of the sort on the other nations, but she wanted to do so as a way to connect everyone similar to how water is connected (or like how the Lochfolk come together in water to quote Endora:

Want to grow quickly. Want to find Rhodeia. A child. New life, like Endora. A child's mission is to grow. To grow? I thought it was to see the world. Love. For Oceanids, this is to meld together as one. There will be no division then. That is why Oceanids need no learning or thoughts of their own. All that is needed is love. It seems that Oceanids cannot love others, for others will only drown in the embrace of pure waters. So they disguise themselves as the dreams of young children, and withdraw from the lives of all other people. Every day, a child takes a stumbling step forward. Every day, a stream flows into the sea. Love, that is our destiny. But I still have a whole world left to see.).

But once the Lord of Amrita died, most Lochfolk went on a self-imposed exile from Fontaine, not getting along with the current Hydro Archon, Focalors, the God of Justice.

In 3.8, we got some more information on that from Idyia:

According to her, the waters of Fontaine changed when Focalors came into power, the water now full of pain and hatred and for those who left fleeing seemed like the best choice “if we wanted to live.” But as shown in 1.4′s Wishful Drop event with Endora and Rhodeia’s line at the beginning of a fight (and with some leaks stating that wild Oceanids can be fought in Fontaine’s overworld), line at the beginning of a battle, there are some Lochfolk that still remain in Fontaine for some reason unexplained.

According to the descriptions of the Water-Splitting and Water-Spouting Phantasms, new enemies in Fontaine, with most of the Oceanids having left Fontaine, new strange elemental lifeforms have taken their place after the cataclysm.

According to the Water-Splitting Phantasm description, while the water have long since been diluted and cleansed, Fontaine’s waters will never naturally birth Oceanids again until there are containers of pure water somewhere.

And if you look at the description of the Water-Spouting Phantasm, it states that: It is said that in Egeria's era, the Oceanids often lived alongside humans, and lived in the springs of clear waters dotted across the lands, and through this, they connected the waters of the world. But most died with their god, and for the survivors, the world no longer has any god they recognize. That unrecognized god obviously being Focalors. 

I’ll expand on it in an actual theory post, but I do believe part of the Fontaine AQ will be restoring the waters of Fontaine to how they once were, allowing new Oceanids to be born from Fontaine’s water and bringing the Oceanids back to the regionー maybe even get them on better terms with Furina.

Speaking of Fontaine’s water, ever since 3.0, I am fascinated with it.

If you go to Port Ormos, specifically the port close with all the porters and the Eremite guards, you’ll run into an adventurer NPC named Vasco. If you talk to him, he goes on a bit of a tirade about sea monsters, but he starts off the dialogue with something very interesting. “Should I go to Fontaine and get a diving certificate?”

Even more interesting was the follow up: “To prevent myself from the cook's fate, I'm considering getting a diving certificate from Fontaine before adventuring again. But I heard the water in Fontaine is different from here, so it won't be a useful endeavor.”

Fontaine had me in a chokehold just by being the Hydro nation to start with, but the idea that Fontaine’s water is different from the rest of Teyvat’s? How is it different? What are the unique properties that separate from Fontainian water from regular Teyvat water? What do Fontainians living in/visiting other nations think of regular Teyvat water? What do people from other nations think of Fontanian water? I’ve got to know.

Part of “The Terrestial Sea, Origin of All Waters” description mentions that Fontaine where all waters of the world originate. It’s further elaborated on in the description of the set of drops from the Fontemer Abberant enemies (I will not be fighting the Puffbeast. Fuck everything else though lmao, those crabs and seahorses can catch these hands).

From left to right:

Transoceanic Pearl: A small crystal obtained from a defeated Fontemer Aberrant. Fontemer Aberrants arise from Fontaine's seas. They are believed to be a unique life form born from the mysterious energy in the water.

Transoceanic Chunk: A crystal obtained from a defeated Fontemer Aberrant. It gives off a somewhat mysterious energy. Although many legends speak of great life forms residing in remote seas beyond human reach, ordinary oceans can hardly compare to the vibrant seas of Fontaine.

Kaleidoscopic Crystal: A large crystal obtained from a defeated Fontemer Aberrant.It contains a mysterious energy. All rivers and seas originate in Fontaine, but the water loses all its unique properties once it flows outside Fontaine's borders.

Back to back, each description mentions that Fontaine’s water has a certain energy to it, that ordinary oceans cannot compare. But most interestingly enough, it reaffirms that all rivers and seas in the world of Teyvat originate in Fontaine but the moment it leaves Fontaine’s borders, it immediately loses all its unique properties.

I don’t doubt that the uniqueness of Fontaine’s water will be mentioned in Fontaine’s storyline. A good chunk in the AQ, considering Furina coming into power led to the Lochfolk leaving the country. But I also think a good chunk of it will come from WQ’s and likely from the Melusines, a race of seafolk unique to Fontaine that still live there. Which begs the question as to why they haven’t left Fontaine when nearly all of the Oceanids have.

According to one Melusine NPC from a leaked video that’s been removed, Melusines originate from a creature called the Elynas and if I remember correctly they come from its flesh or bones. And the Primuses came after the cataclysm and can be found near the Elynas, but I’m not sure if that’s the same for the Melusines since there isn’t more elaboration on it but I hope to find out more once Fontaine’s initial WQs start dropping.

And of course, I’m excited for the lore potential of the upcoming character.

Lyney, Lynette and Freminet all seem to have a connection to Arlecchino and the House of the Hearth and may even be working for her now as Fatui agents who possibly hope to one day live peaceful lives.

Neuvillette was once speculated to possibly be an Oceanid who remained in Fontaine, but it now looks like he is the Hydro Dragon. It sucks that it isn’t Kokomi but either way it doesn’t change the fact that the Hydro Dragon IS living among humans and even working closely with an Archon, when it has been shown through Apep that dragons from the time before the Seven hate Celestia, Archons and humans alike in this new era of Teyvat. So why live peacefully with them? I’m curious to know!

But by far, the character with some of the most interesting lore potential is of course going to be the Archon especially with what we know about her.

She’s a reason the Oceanids left Fontaine, according to Neuvillette she’s prone to hysterics and in a leaked clip of the AQ she even liquefies a man. Like, she is truly prepared to be the best worst Archon and I am here for it, she’s getting my guaranteed pull and maybe even her signature weapon if I can get it without pushing myself back too far on my Clorinde pulls.

And if we look at the Hydro gemstone for the Archon quote that gives more insight into their character, Furina’s says:

And according to Dainsleif in the Fontaine portion of the Teyvat trailer: “The God of Justice lives for the spectacle of the courtroom, seeking to judge all other gods. But even she knows not to make an enemy of the divine.”

If we look at some more leaks about her, we get some more interesting tidbits.

More specifically in this dialogue exchange with some NPCs:

In other words, it is looking like Furina is going to be a Chaotic Neutral character. She’s nonsensical, she’s a wild card, she welcomes being judged by even her own subjects she holds dominion over yet she considers herself pure and magnificent. If you’re able to win some sort of trial she places you in, she’ll be thrilled. Hell one might even get a medal. Sure that could all just be hyperbole from the locals, but even hyperbolic statements have some truth to it and with how long she has been in power, there have probably been instances such as the ones those NPCs described.

Yet even Furina fears Celestia because she knows the sort of damage they are capable of delivering if they ever deem her an enemy or a liability.

And with the concept that she may have two personalities, one can’t help wondering how that will come into play if it was kept as something final for Fontaine’s story and her design. I can’t help wondering about how she came into power as well. I don’t want it to be another ‘family’-based story.

Ei and Makoto were twins, Rukkhadevata and Nahida are avatars of Irminsul with Rukkha essentially being her mother plant so to speak.

I would like for Furina and Egeria to be unrelated. Maybe Furina was once a nymph that resided in Fontaine who later on ascended or I would find it cool if she ascended to Celestia as a regular mortal years ago and was given Fontaine to govern. And I would also like it if Fontaine didn’t have a new Archon for a while after Egeria’s death.

Both Ei and Nahida were able to immediately step in for their respective predecessors after they died. It would be interesting if for Fontaine, it took a while for someone else to step in which lead to a civil unrest. That could be used to even tie into Zhongli’s hesitance in retiring from being an Archon, siting Fontaine’s period of Archon-less complications as a reason to stay until he was otherwise reassured that Liyue would be fine without him.

There’s just a lot of potential with Furina and Fontaine’s story and I’m hoping they stick the landing considering how poorly Inazuma’s storyline was completed.

Anyway, this is getting long enough so I’ll stop now. This is mostly to just look back on my hype for Fontaine in the future when it’s been a while since its release and Natlan is on its way out of the basement.

[sucrosette]

★— ⋆｡˚ [Things Missed]

For Day 26 of Carry on Countdown 23, Angst @carryon-countdown

Basil's finally ready to talk about the accident and Simon's there to listen, of course he is, he's not about to walk away.

Rated T for themes, language, & trauma talk.

This is part four of the Nurse/Lawyer AU. Just one more to go - I hope you enjoy. 🖤 [Part 1][Part 2][Part 3]

⋆｡˚ BAZ

Some days, I really miss the hours spent feeling my fingers stretched over the neck of my violin, plucking swiftly over the strings. I miss the feeling of the bowstrings reverberating noise under my strokes, the effortful, emotive playing that pushed me to sweat with effort. I even miss sitting my chin over the chinrest and just holding position in anticipation of playing.

I can still play, beautifully even, but I’m not the soloist I once was. I might have been playing sonatas in music halls across all of Europe at one point. I was good enough, I was more than good enough. I can’t do that now.

I usually manage ten to fifteen minutes before my bow hand starts shaking and my neck’s screaming for relief. Oh, there are workarounds, sure. I’ve tried the extended neck braces that eliminate the need for the chin rest. I’ve used the mobility bows that have the wrist straps, removing the need for my grip entirely. It’s just not the same though.

I had fifteen years of playing before the accident happened. It was a lifetime of habits I had needed to unlearn and repackage and… it’s not that I couldn’t have gotten to my old skill level with enough time, enough practice, but… I started to hate playing. I don’t want to hate playing, but every time I’d fuck up a simple chord progression or hit a note wrong or fumble due to relearning, that feeling would surge up inside of me. My body still wanted to play the way it knew best, and I still wanted to let it, and every time that urge clashed with the need to relearn it would put me back a whole day, sometimes more.

It hit a point where even just thinking about practicing would make me nauseous and angry, so I just stopped. I don’t want to hate playing. I love my violin. I focused on my physical therapy instead. I went to therapy. I got to the point where I am now and I changed course.

I switched to law school.

I cried a week over the decision and I had to speedrun undergrad but overall I’m better for it. I don’t hate my grandfather’s violin every time I look at it. I don’t feel frustrated just existing in a room with it. I don’t get jealous of other violinists who play half as well as I do for having just the slightest mobility advantage over me.

I can hold my bow again, position my violin and play my heart out for a full ten minutes without dropping anything or shaking and botching my play. I might not be able to do some of the more complicated pieces I once did, but what I can play, I play perfectly, just the way I remember, just the way I like. For ten whole minutes, it’s like I’m no different than I ever was, and I find that beauty I make in music and let my violin sing for me. She’s my oldest friend. I can’t hate her.

When Simon first hears me play, it’s a bit of an accident. I don’t really play for people anymore, since I can’t play long and sometimes I have to conclude a piece early when I start to feel my body react, so of course it’s a bit of an accident. It’s just my sisters I play for when I play for people now. Otherwise, it’s just me. I play alone and let myself have my memories of what once was and I put her down to reminisce another day. We share a peaceful relationship, an old friendship, but it’s not something I feel most people particularly need to witness. I aim to play alone.

It’s not that Simon doesn’t know I still play, he does, I’ve told him. Besides, she’s seen the violin, she’s seen me rosin the bow and tune my instrument. She got me a custom rosin case for it for my birthday, the very first we’d spent together— Simon is more than aware that I still play.

it just feels intimate in a way I haven’t quite been ready to share. Fifty-fifty odds I’ll cry at the end, or even halfway through. I like Simon seeing me strong, confident, and maybe a little cocky. I’ve been vulnerable, of course, I met him freshly stabbed and all, but this is a different thing.

So it’s a bit of an accident. Simon's been stateside for a friend’s wedding— she’d been her best mate in school— and I’m not expecting him home that day, let alone these ten minutes of the day I’ve chosen to play. I could've gone to the wedding with him, but I thought maybe meeting someone the week of their wedding might be a bit presumptive of me, especially with our relationship being fairly recent. Besides, the caseload at work’s been busy and I’d’ve had to fly separately, Simon's invested in his tickets an era ago and I don’t particularly want to fly over the Atlantic alone. I’ve offered to take Penny and her husband-to-be on a cruise together at some later date and we can get to know each other then, when they’re not so busy with pre-wedding and during-wedding and post-wedding.

Simon tumbles through the door about two minutes after I’ve started but I don’t hear him. He’s still at the door when I finish. Thirteen minutes later. I can feel my hand aching a little but my neck’s doing alright, so I’ll take that as a good day. I blink over at Simon, realizing he’s really there as I carefully settle my violin back into her stand.

“You play beautifully,” Simon says as she closes the door, “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

I blink back the way ears in my eyes. It takes me a minute to find my words, but I shake my head to tell him that he hadn’t. I find my confidence and breath and ultimately find it’s not uncomfortable for me to have Simon seeing me play. That’s a relief. Unsurprising, ultimately, but no less a relief. “You’re early?”

“Ah, yeah,” Simon answers as she kicks off her shoes. I’m already moving to help with his bags while he explains, “Pen’s already on honeymoon and originally I’d wanted to stay over to see some sights but I just missed you so I checked to see if I could catch an earlier flight and here I am.” She does a silly little wave of her hands and it makes me impossibly bloody fond.

“You missed me that much?” There’s a touch of teasing there and Simon punches my arm for it, but he doesn’t use any strength to do it, and just sort of scrunches his nose in annoyance.

“Of bloody course I did, you prick. It’s been a whole week already…”

I hum as I follow Simon to our room, helping him unpack when we get there. I pause to nudge his side and when he turns my way I catch him in a kiss. “I missed you too.”

It’s an easy admission. “Of course you did,” Simon says it like it’s obvious.

it is obvious.

We work through unpacking him in relative silence, a companionable quiet that tells me both how tired he is and how happy he is just to be home. I’ll ask him all about everything after he’s gotten some sleep in him, reset properly from the jetlag over some food. I’m just as happy to have Simon home again too. I missed existing with her the last week.

“I’ll let you hear me play again,” I say apropos of nothing, except I can still hear those words in my head. You play beautifully.

I know I do. Or I knew I did.

The declaration stops Simon midway from tossing his dirty wash in our hamper, but only for a moment. “Yeah?”

“Yeah, whenever I play next.” It’ll be tomorrow. I play almost every day, so long as it’s not a snow day.

“I’d like that,” He answers with a soft smile, “I’d like it a lot.”

I love this about Simon. He’s just so bloody understanding. I don’t understand how he doesn’t press or complicate or assume anything. We just finish getting through his unpacking and collapse into our bed and cuddle close.

I think he’s fallen asleep already when his voice catches me off guard, but maybe I’d been the one closer to sleep. “Are you gonna tell me about it?”

“Not tonight,” I know exactly what he means without asking, “But soon, probably. After you tell me all about how the wedding went.”

Simon hums and snuggles in closer and I melt around him, letting myself relax with him, letting myself feel how much I missed him. I can feel Simon melting in my arms too. I’m too tired for anything else, he’s too tired for anything else, and it’s so bloody easy for us to fall asleep like that, tangled up in one another.

⋆｡˚ SIMON

He doesn’t tell me the next morning, not after all the talking I can manage on Pen’s ceremony and dress and everything. It’s a lazy morning. He called in to work from home (“No court days?” “No court days.”) and we slept in and stayed in bed hours longer and I still had three whole more days off work. I’m not in any rush to find out, I’m just happy I’ve gotten to hear him play now.

I ramble on and on about the States and everything that I’d missed about home and weird little language differences and all the things Pen had gone on about herself during our downtime. I think Baz might know her better than he thinks with how much I talk about her, but I’m not mad he didn’t come with me. I just missed him.

I don’t ask. I don’t need to ask. He’ll tell me when he’s ready.

I’m happy to linger in lazy mornings like this forever, if he’ll be here with me for them.

⋆｡˚ BAZ

I keep thinking I’m going to tell her, and then I don’t. I keep thinking I should bring it up, but then I don’t. It’s just such a bloody happy day and I’m such a greedy, selfish sap. I want to keep it a happy day. We deserve more happy, lazy days.

I do play my violin for him, just like I’d said I would. I only just make it through about eight minutes today, but Simon smiles so beautifully for such a simple piece.

I’m going to tell him, I know it, just not today. Today I want to keep his smile just like it was when he woke up, refreshed and comfortable after a week out of our bed. I want to keep her just like this forever.

⋆｡˚ SIMON

It’s about two weeks later when Basil wakes up in a cold sweat next to me. It’s not the first time I’ve witnessed his night terrors, we’ve lived together far too long by now for me not to be at least a little familiar with them, but normally he goes through the motions quickly enough that I barely have time to comfort at all. This time must’ve been particularly visceral. I sit up beside him and he still hasn’t budged an inch, except to curl in on himself. I touch carefully, brushing my fingers through his thick, dark hair, brushing his bangs aside so they don’t stick to his sweat-slick skin and hum.

I hum whatever he’d played me last. Something by Bach, I think, but I’m not good at classical music. I am learning, a little, but I still can’t tell Beethoven from the Greatest Showman and apparently the latter is a musical, not a classical composition. I’m learning. Baz smiles whenever I get something right.

He unwinds enough to roll himself over and into my arms and I wrap him up like I’m a security blanket made just for him.

“Bloody nightmares…” His voice comes out in rasp, dry and angry, but I don’t push, I just hold him like that until he stops shaking, until his breathing settles out against my chest.

I glance at the clock. Twelve more hours till work. I can nap after this all settles if I need more sleep. I have time. “Think you can sleep again?” I ask it as gently as I can manage.

Baz shakes his head against my chest, but it’s alright, I just keep humming while he sinks deeper into my arms and the tangle of blankets around us. If there was less time, I’d even call out, but there’s plenty of time.

“I think I want to talk about it.”

⋆｡˚ BAZ

I’ve surprised him, I can tell. His mouth is doing that little ‘oh’ thing that she only does when she’s caught off guard. Maybe that’s fair, I haven’t talked about for long enough that maybe she was never truly expecting me to, but I have wanted to.

⋆｡˚ SIMON

He presses a kiss to the hollow of my throat and it brings me back to my senses enough to encourage him to keep going. “If you’re ready.”

Basil hums again and nods along, “I’m ready.”

I press a kiss to his temple and wait. I have time. I can always wait where Baz is concerned, but he doesn’t make me wait long. It spills out in chunks, but I fill in the blanks well enough. Trauma’s like that, I know, sometimes memories just don’t come back clean.

⋆｡˚ BAZ

I was twenty when it happened. It was winter break and I was driving back home for the holidays.  The road had been slick from the storm but it was only a four hour drive, a little longer if I went easy, and I always go easy when I need to. So I’m headed home and thinking about what to get my sisters in the meanwhile and not at all worried about the process of getting there.

Of course, it was never me I had to worry about. A truck twice the size of my little Beetle comes hurtling down the opposite side of the road at a good twice my speed. It must’ve started hydroplaning at the exact right moment to cause him to swerve right into me.

There’s no time to react, no time to brake or swerve or anything at all.

There’s only the truck’s blinding headlights on a collision course straight for me.

I can still feel the hear the sound of the metal crunching together in front of me. I can still feel the pressure of the airbag going off against my face, against my hands. The way my arm had hit the center dash and turned blue almost immediately. The whiplash from my head flinging back so suddenly, the wrongness in my neck.

Simon’s petting through my hair as he listens to me, taking everything in, kissing my forehead again, and then pulling back enough to pull my hands up to kiss them too. She’s patient through it all and it’s not until the lull in my story that I realize I’ve been crying. Just a little. Just quietly while I go through it.

I lose myself in the realization for a moment, thoughts dissipating into nothing. I’m not sure where I was in the story, or where to pick up, it’s just all sort of a blur anyway. I let myself have my tears about and Simon, my sweet Simon, kisses my tears away and holds me closer through it.

“Is that what your nightmares are about?” Simon asks when my tears start to slow and I’ve worked myself further out of that ball of stress.

“No,” I answer, and it feels a bit silly, but also not at all. “My nightmares are… they’re about the first time I picked up my grandfather’s violin, after I’d supposedly healed enough to try again, and I dropped it.”

⋆｡˚ SIMON

Baz chokes when he confesses it, loses his voice halfway through the word dropped, but his mouth still forms the word it. My skill in lipreading fills in that blank too. “You don’t have to say more if you don’t want to, you know. It’s okay to be done talking.”

He hums low and shifts our hold so he’s more holding me now, wrapping his legs around mine and practically clinging. I don’t bother to resist. I don’t mind comforting him like this either. It’s plenty comfortable in Baz’s arms too.

“I don’t think there’s much else to say,” Baz breathes out when he finds his voice again, “If there is I can’t recall right now.”

I nuzzle his chest and tangle us up that much more thoroughly. “It’s alright, love… if you want to talk more later, I’m always here for you, alright?”

“Alright.”

“I love you.”

⋆｡˚ BAZ

Simon quiets in my arms after that and I can feel my exhaustion creeping up again. I press a kiss to her temple and let my thoughts drift away from my nightmares, from my spotty memories, from the little Volvo I had once loved so much. I suppose it saved my life that day, gave it’s own for me. If cars have souls, I hope it's thriving somewhere.

I let myself drift to thoughts of Simon, of our life. Of the time we’ve had together so far, of the time we’re going to have together. I think of his soft hair and softer marshmallow scent. I thought it was a perfume or cologne at first, but no. That’s just Simon, sugary sweet.

“Hey, Simon?”

She murmurs her own soft, unintelligible acknowledgment against my chest and I can tell from the weight of him that she’s drifting back off already.

“Thank you,” I say into the mess of her hair and she makes a happy little noise. Her own of course, anytime, always, without the mess of words. She makes me so bloody soft, so bloody comfortable. “I love you too.”

Simon’s little noise repeats itself and I can feel a smile crack my lips, just a little bit even after all the emotions thinking about the accident can give me.

“Rest well, love,” my words fall soft and Simon’s already gone, and I think I can manage the same. I think, probably, without dreaming terrible things all over again.

[proship-gravityfalls]

Ford regrets all those years without Stan, WAY more than Stan does. Stan does his best to help him see it from a more optimistic perspective, that now, they have the chance to redo that together. Yeah, they're old and realistically, they don't have much time left, so they really have to make the most of what they have right now.

Ford takes it to heart.

He makes sure he catches up with Stan's endeavors, the whole 40 years of them. Honestly, he can't do that by talking alone. Stan is very private, by nature. But he's also loud and boisterous and proud, and that pride shuts him in. A walking contradiction, a paradox, a complicated mess. So while Ford records their conversations and reviews them later, taking notes of all Stan's quirks, new and old, relearning his brother, he also travels to Stan's mindscape while he's asleep. It also helps to make sure Bill is completely gone, so hey, two birds with one stone.

Ford makes sure to learn everything about Stan. His favorite jokes, food, music, movies, clothing, his taste in women, his taste in men (He learns that Stan is more flexible than he lets on, so long as they stay. He should really raise his standards). He learns what his favorite brand of foods are, how he keeps things organized, his system, how he dresses, in what order he dresses in, his favorite hair products, his favorite body wash, how he washes his body, how long he spends in the shower.

He learns how he smells, how he sings, how he laughs, how he lies, how he tells the truth, how he sleeps, how he dreams, how he hopes, how he yearns, how he fears, how he worries, how he loves.

"Wow, Ford! How'd you guess that I liked this stuff so much? I didn't even know that!" Ford warms at that. He made Stan happy. His studying paid off. He knows Stan. He knows his brother. It's like they never parted in the first place.

When Stan smiles, it's not always a smile but a playful smirk. It's genuine happiness guarded by irony. His true smiles are seen in Ford's peripherals but lately, he's learned to make sure he catches them head-on when Stan thinks he's not looking. He has a dimple on the right side of his cheek, where the smirk tends to lean into.

Stan likes to sing in the shower and it usually starts breathy and low, little mumbles, until he gets further into the song. Usually, he gets louder when he starts singing songs the kids introduce to him. Typically, they're musicals. Ford remembers that at one point, when they were kids, Stan wanted to do theatre but their dad shot that down. Doesn't bring in the cash and is not manly enough. Ford starts singing on his own and relearns the piano so he can hear Stan sing again. It works.

Stan likes to organize his books by color and genre. Stan likes to put his drinks on the top of the fridge so he can grab them easily, versus squatting down. Stan still holds onto his crushes, even after disappointment, often thinking about what they could be. Stan has a freckle behind his left ear. Stan cracks his right knuckles first all at once and then his left one by one before redoing the right ones. Stan keeps his favorite magazines on top of each other and on top of the horizontally stacked mags, the ones he organized by brand and genre and color. Stan secretly likes to mend and sew. Stan wants to become a taxidermist.

Stan only uses the laptop for a few things, to find old stuff to buy that they can't find anywhere else, to search for tourist places in their next destination, to chat with the kids, and also, let's be real, porn. He doesn't know how to clear his search history. Ford doesn't want him to. In the mindscape, whenever Stan gets close to figuring it out, Ford sets the files on fire, forcing him to forget. He then discards the ashes in the only dirty place there is, the subconscious. The rest of the place is immaculate and colorful and vibrant. He likes it like that.

It's good to learn about his brother's kinks. They can tell you a lot about a person, how they were loved as a child, how they want to be loved, how they feel about it, how guarded they are, their trauma, how it affected them, how they would "fix" it if they could. Stan likes praise, humiliation, soft bondage, harems, bukkake, sometimes even sissification. He's very into roleplay, especially teacher-student and step-brothers. He has both a mommy and daddy kink.

Ford steps into the mindscape and decides to wander around in his fantasies. Of course, he has his innocent ones. All a bunch of "what-ifs" and some stories for the Mystery Shack, but also some comic book ideas and maybe even a few novellas. Ford peaks behind the red curtains and finds a red hallway, with pink curtains. Further in, the curtains fade into purple and then into black. Some of the curtains, namely the pink ones, have cobwebs on them. Ford peaks into those first.

They're mostly of his former crushes. Carla, Marilyn, a few characters from shows they used to watch as kids. All girls. Ford then looks behind his more recent ones.

Behind the pink ones were of pornstars and characters. They all have dark hair, mainly brunette, and glasses. Most of them are male. If not male, then they're androgynous, masculine enough to be confused for male, whether or not intended as such. Stan would tease them while they would blush and stutter but also reciprocate his advances. Then in the midst of their... Passions, they'd exclaim they love him and always have. They just didn't know how to say it.

Behind the darker ones, either Stan would become more cruel or they would become more bold.

Behind the darkest ones, it would be of Ford and Stan molesting each other. Not always both at once but there is one fantasy where it become a contest of revenge, a series of rapes until it becomes an all-out brawl between them, all bites and scratches and mocking and growls and too much cum. Not a very realistic fantasy, though that's to be expected. In the other fantasies, Stan would catch Ford jacking off and screaming his name, prompting Stan to "finish the job" while Ford cries. Or Stan would wake up strapped down to a table while Ford touches him all over. Sometimes toys would be involved. Sometimes there would be more than one Ford.

These curtains are very pristine. Ford is hot and bothered. Whenever he comes down here, he never stays for too long. His body would always scream at him and he always has to escape into the bathroom afterwards to take care of his needs. Sometimes, he would come back to the mindscape to continue watching. It's becoming more and more frequent.

Ford decides to set pieces of Stan's shame on fire. Then his capacity to lie. Then his hangups on the concept of incest. When that happens, Stan becomes more and more affectionate, more of a tease. Ford coyly and playfully reciprocates them, blushing and stuttering at first, like he should, and yet, more than he would desire. Fantasies really can't trump the real thing and Ford is definitely not acting like the smooth, intellectual, superior he was hoping to be. But it doesn't matter because it becomes fuel for Stan's fantasies.

Some of the curtains don't even lead straight to the movie itself but instead, into a small hallway, though the size is actually rather variable. Though, the shame and such would come back bigger and bigger, and Ford has to keep burning more and more pieces off. Though, after a long while of that, they stopped growing back.

Ford is pleased with it.

His studying paid off. Now it's a matter of waiting until Stan gives the greenlight.

[aris-ink]

[In taeyang singing meme voice]

Ari~, I miss you so muUuUch~

Im glad to hear you are doing good🐻, the other day a saw this video of how famous people always say therapy doesn't work for them and what actually helps them is focusing on their hobbies/work (like ariana grande or Taylor swift have said in some occasions) but the girl in the video explain that thats basically what therapy it's for, that they had the privilege for x reasons from a young age to develop and find a way/place where they can express themselves freely and deal with emotions in a healthy manner, which is one of the goals of therapy . Then reading your update and made me think of that, maybe I'm reaching Lmao but knowing you are thinking about writing it's honestly amazing, like finding the energy once again to do something you enjoy.( I'm not trying to asume anything, sorry if this message feels intrusive.)

I Also wish there was some way to get motivated instantly, I been neglecting my college work for two weeks now and Idk how to get on track again haha, will need some tips on how to stop procrastinating bc it's kind of addictive.

Anyway, I'm happy to hear from you❤️.

-😽

HI ANGEL <3 I missed you too! I'm so happy to hear from you 💕🫂

that's very interesting 🤔 art is definitely one of the best and healthiest ways to express yourself and work through your thoughts and emotions, I can't imagine what I would do without writing tbh 😭 but also I really think it depends on the kind of therapy you need? sometimes self expression is only a part of it. apart from talking about your problems (which can be done through art), therapy is also there to teach you how to cope with stress, with your disorders and illnesses, and live life to the fullest despite being sick, and that is what I am aiming for ❤️ of course everyone is different and it might not work the same way for different people ❤️ however, at this point in my life, after last year especially, I really don't know how to function like a healthy person anymore and I need to relearn everything LMAO 😭 so I'm happy with where I am now, and I'm glad I made this choice 💕 it's hard, but it's my only option 🥹

not at all! ❤️ nothing about this message is intrusive, you're always free to speak your thoughts and ask questions 🫂 thank you so much baby <3

I'm so sorry to hear about your college work, that sucks so much 😭 take it slow! idk how about you, but what kills my attempts at doing anything is perfectionism 💀 it feels like there is just no point doing a task if I can't complete all of it, or do it perfectly. don't listen to your brain if it ever does that, it's just being mean and lying to you 😭 take it little by little, and make sure to rest and eat well! I believe in you and I'm rooting for you, step by little step baby 💕

sending you so much love <3

[manwalksintobar]

we acknowledge ourselves  // Allison Akootchook Warden

before we bring this meeting to order we want to acknowledge ourselves, the Kaktoviġmiut yes, Siliun, this is how they are doing things nowadays                   we are doing it right                      we acknowledge ourselves, the Kaktoviġmiut   we are the people of this island and of the mountains and lands around us                            and all our traditional hunting areas                                                                                                        since before the military came                                                                       and bulldozed our old sod houses our entire village                                                so they could make a runway and yes we are still angry about that                                                                   and we are still wanting reparations for what they did                                                                                they finally did take that hangar down and it looks better without that big old thing on there and I know we are still looking for                        what was lost in the nuna on that day                                                                                         what they did was wrong and we are still here                        and even though the military still today has that huge other hangar                                                                                                       on the other side with that                                                                                                                              military man                                                                                                    who lives in there that we have                                                                                                                                       never met                                                                and the other that relieves him every three weeks or so   we were here before they put those big humongous radar ears up       and then took them down   and yes they left many barrels and still never got all of them we all want all their residue                to be     off our island forever                                                      we were here before                               the government started drawing arbitrary lines                                         encasing us into this wildlife refuge                                       without our full knowledge or consent where strangers break into our cabins on our own land                                                      up in the mountains each and every year                        no matter how many signs we put or what kind of locks we use          and because of these borders not our own                                           we cannot hunt the way                                                       our relatives in other                                                                                      villages hunt we have more restrictions and regulations than the others                           yet we still are able to get the food we need                                                around the land we care for and know ii, we are still fighting these arbitrary borders and lines today, thank you Ekowan and also thank you aŋaaluk for those letters you put out                                                                                they needed to see that and all of us fighting for our ways of life and as we continue to fight even in this strange language we had to learn to fight them with                                                         arii, piliaqsuŋa taniktun uqaġama we acknowledge our Elders that are still on this land and our Ancestors                               buried just over there and over there too                                        and our own people who are still living here                                           especially the little ones like Uqumaiḷaq here                                                          and all our future relatives yet to be born we acknowledge and remember            that the military did experiments without our consent                       on our Elders when they were kids                                and the government has never owned up to these injustices but we remember what was done and yes some Elders did get compensated for that radioactive iodine they put in their veins                                                                   yet not for the other forced experiments and we remember how we were also made to send our young people away to go to school          and how they came back                    having to relearn their own language                               and many of them left right away again                                                                yet many stayed home                                                                       and the others always return                                                                                        and belong home here we the Kaktoviġmiut remember how we have always been whole                                               nakuurugut                                      we are good we have always been good                        living here in the ways taught to us by our Elders                                                                                  and our Elders’ Elders’ Elders and even though there were two waves of diseases that we didn’t know                          how to fight                                   naturally                            we lost many of our people                                  yet many of us survived                                            those waves and since we are talking about these things in a community hall meeting                      might as well mention the alcohol that came to kill us                         and the cancers that we can guess where those came from too                             and the fog of smoke and qaaq that has stayed and lingered and I know that we aren’t used to acknowledging ourselves             but when me and Fannie went to the big meeting in Anchorage                                                                            they did one of these                                                  land acknowledgments                                 so apparently everyone is starting to remember and we remember too          how to acknowledge one another                 and how we remember our relatives and how we are related                    we remember how to sing and dance and how to take care of                       the land because we need to acknowledge our young people too         even the ones who are pretending they don’t understand                                                                        or can’t talk yet                                                                             we know you are paying attention yet we also want to say the young ones have also been having a lack of    listening                              and they need to fix that right now oh and of course our relationship to the animals            the aġviq, the tuttu, the fish, the nanuk, the qavvik                            oh yes and the aiviq and the beluga whale                                  and I know I am forgetting some animals thank you Ukpik      and we were here before the tourists started to travel here to see our        polar bears                                                                     without giving back to our community                                         and yes we are starting to regulate those tourists too                             as a community                     working together yes the amaġuq and I know we have too many animals to mention right now        and we need to get started with these door prizes soon                    yet let me say one more time                             because I see that Michael just came in the door                           we the Kaktoviġmiut acknowledge ourselves                                      sovereign here on our own land                                         sovereign here forevermore                                                                        despite all of these other ways                                             in which they thought they could make us forget                                                                        or think we were broken               we are whole and good and we remember all of it                                                                        an unbroken line                                                                              going all the way                                                                                          all the way                                                                                              all the way                                                                                                            back from the time before the time before                                                             nakuurugut             we are the Kaktoviġmiut, the original people of this place             we have never ceded our lands             we always remember our long long long ago ways that we are living even today and even though we are thankful for many     modern tools that we put to use in the ways that our Elders agree with the outsiders’ ways are not our ways we belong here               and on our mountains and all the places near that we travel for food                                                                                                    and on the ocean             we remember who we are             today and forevermore             we acknowledge ourselves             in our power as Iñupiaq                           aulayaiqsimarugut Kaktoviġmiut                                                             tavra! now Alasuuraq will draw the first prize because I believe he is our oldest     Elder here    we will draw a couple few more door prizes                                                         now at the start                              and then the rest at the end of the meeting                                   I know we have a lot to talk about

[thatfuckincat]

im actually so fucking mad right now. holy shit. Wow! i havent felt this frustrated in years if i do remember right! typing this to avoid having a breakdown in the middle of school in fact!

Music related vent below

Context: I love singing. Music in general is my favorite thing ever, and singing is easy and fun, since ive done it since 1st grade. However, in the summer before my 7th grade year, puberty hit and notably to this story: my voice dropped a whole 2 octaves. My falsetto disappeared, i had to relearn notes in the bass clef, i kept accidentally going an octave down, and a host of problems with projection. But i could deal with those just fine, only took a year or two and i was goin strong again.

Except for one area.

now, I could get lower than anyone else ive ever met in person (A1-C2), but on the flipside, I couldn't even get higher than F3 on a GOOD day!

I only found out i was accidentally going an octave down in 8th grade, and when i tried to correct it, i couldnt hit the notes! in choir i could only get to maybe 60% of the notes, and barely 20% of them in showchoir!

But thats not all, no way. I found that notes above around C3 actively strained my voice to the point where my throat would hurt and eventually just *close* after singing them for an hour or so. which cut down the notes i could consistently practice even MORE!

This lasted another 6 bloody years, and only got worse when i realized i was trans cause ⭐️Dysphoria⭐️. Most of my current self esteem issues can be tracked back to half of my vocal range being completely useless in all but a couple songs per year, even though nowadays i can get to and stay a note or two higher atleast.

Of course, until now. I finally figured it out. It all started a week or two ago when i was talking to my choir director about it. He told me something revolutionary: Apparently, not everyone has that problem when they go high! apparently most people's voices just crack at a specific point when they go too high! So i got to experimenting. i kept trying to figure out what i was doing wrong with my voice, and as of 1 hour ago i have succeeded.

What was the problem? what was causing me monumental frustration and sadness for a 3rd of my life?

Mother. Fucking. Placement.

It was as simple as adjusting my jaw a bit to open my vocal chords, and placing the sound at the front of my mouth. I did it by ACCIDENT!

THE ROOT CAUSE OF SO MANY OF MY GOD DAMN ISSUES AND I FIXED IT BY FUCKING ACCIDENT!

And 1 month before i graduate no less. i get to take advantage of this new knowlege for 2 performances.

just.

this was the reason i never even tried to join higher choirs. this was the reason i never thought i could get a career involving performing. The reason i was resigned to just keeping music as a hobby in private. My hatred of my own voice was a solid half of the reason i considered suicide.

i dont even know what to do now. I want a career in performing, but i let so many opportunities to sing more slip by cause who would want a voice that cant even hit middle C? who had to pretend to sing more often than not?

i certainly didnt.

[louisiananeedsme]

The Louisiana Times #1

WARNING!!!!!!! the longing for something and sad laufey songs really got to me halfway through writing this so apologies in advance ♥ also none of this is proof read..

LOUISIANA TIMES GAMES: WORDLE CONNECTIONS

SCHOOL'S OUT

‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎I've been waiting for this day for ages, it's easy—very easy to get bored and grow tired of studying. But i have also been dreading this day. Yes, i would be mercy'd of the pain of studying and trying to relearn the curriculum with every exam but this is still bittersweet. I won't see most of my friends again and forced to make new ones, which is a great opportunity to meet new people and maybe improve my social skills instead of being cold and practically unresponsive to everyone i meet— (Social anxiety, you know how it is,). However, i won't see my favourite teachers again, i won't pass the halls to familiar faces anymore, i won't sit in class and daydream of what could've been, and i won't be able to keep track of how many times he looked at me for.

Yes, i know that being sad over a boy is very, very pathetic. call him ugly, call him bad but you can't deny that he did bring my spark back. i wouldn't care about people seeing me skipping down streets and singing— despite my singing voice sounding atrocious. I was happy and it gave me a reason to get out of bed every morning although the ringing of my alarm dreaded me every single night i'd sleep. It gave me something to think about, to dream about. Instead of hating to go to bed because of what was to come the next morning, it would help me sleep faster. Instead of trying my best to have an excuse to be absent when i was sick, i would still go even when i felt like i was dying and that i wasn't going to make it by the end of the evening.

I don't recognize myself I'm dancing down streets Smiling to strangers Idiotic things I trace it all back, three-thirty AM That night, something turned in my heart While you were sleeping, I fell in love

While You Were Sleeping by Laufey

"It's so sad that you like him THIS much and he doesn't even know", it's only fair that i address the elephant in the room. It is upsetting to say this but he just doesn't like me back. It's probably a little too far-fetched to say that he totally hates me but i know that if he was even a little interested he would've at least made an effort to talk to me. It was just the way he looked when he was confused, the little downwards smile he'd do, his hand movements and mannerisms. This is all really pathetic and i feel embaressed to even admit half of this but i had every single one of his facial expressions memorized and embeded in my head, every poem i wrote with my limited speech and rhythm, every out of tune melody i came up with that i couldn't even sing properly couldn't have described how i felt.

I should cut this talk short. No matter what i say, what i think, what i wish upon will change anything that has happened. Here's something i will miss instead of some boy: My maths teacher complementing me at every giving moment and saying that seeing me smile makes her calm and comforted (unlike my science teacher who literally said that she feels upset whenever she looks at me because i look mean and angry when i rest my face, i guess? i wont be missing that woman anytime soon). She hugged me today and told me to never forget her, i never will. i'll miss my social studies teacher for being one of THE coolest people ever and actually made me care about this hellscape of a subject. I'll miss my arabic teacher for being one of the most patient people ever and one of the funnest teachers. And i will ESPECIALLY miss my english teacher, the first english teacher i've liked ever since first grade, and actually made me understand grammar (she could look at this and point out at least 20 grammar mistakes and i'd thank her for it)— and has since made me question every sentence that comes out of my mouth on if it is grammatically correct or not. That she'd come closer to my desk just to hear my answer and that i was the first one she picked when she asked a question (unlike my previous english teachers). I'll miss that she would go out of her way to make sure we understood the material instead of skipping the material, which shows that she really does care. i'll miss when we'd go and sit next to her on the floor in the hall monitors room during winter because it was too cold outside and talk with her while she was grading exams or literature assignments. when our last day as a class we sat down next to her and listened to her talk about her least favourite students in class. and i will forever regret not saying goodbye to her today.

BABY ON BOARD

Truth be told that i was not aware that cats can get pregnant at 4-6 MONTHS old. Stupid (The Skinny One), Is one of the big family of Stupids™, that include and are not limited to: Stupid (The Fluffy One), Stupid (The One That Stares), Stupid (The Great) which is most likely to be the mother, Stupid (The Cross-Eyed One), and Stupid (The Blind One). My brother had suspected that Stupid (TSO) was pregnant but i didn't believe him as i thought she was too young, but apparently this WHORE went and popped too much feline pussy, i didn't think teenage pregnancy existed in animals aswell..

My little slut little pussycat recently gave birth to three little kittens, but unfortunetly one of them died. But we still have the other two whom i've named tim (the grey cat) and tootsie pop (mixed breed probably) ‎

TIM: (تمتم tmtm in arabic):

NAME ORIGINS: *Looks like Tom from Tom&Jerry so i named him Tim.

TOOTSIE POP: (توتي tootie in arabic):

NAME ORIGIN: *idfk first thing that came to mind that matched w timtim 👍 hope this helped!

Stay Tuned for more tim an tootsie stories to come!!!

[theviruseye]

Emily Moroni

ECL Comics and History

Undraped Avatars

Last week on Wednesday, there was a lecture held in Storm Hall West with speaker

D. S. Waldman titled “Exercise in Ekphrasis: Ways of Seeing and Responding to Art through Writing.” Ekphrasis when defined by D. S. Waldman, is described as “The use of vivid language to describe works of art.” At the start of his presentation, placed on the projectors in front of everyone’s eyes was an art piece with no title nor information about who the artist who drew up the piece was. D. S. Waldman asked us to develop our own sense of what the art piece depicted. I saw within the complex piece, a microphone, a globe, and broken pieces of a guitar. As we reflected on the piece, Waldman then asked us to choose one item and recall a memory associated with that item. Of my three items, I chose the microphone and recalled a memory I shared with my grandmother in her living room when I was little, singing along in my microphone a song from one of my favorite movies. After we were done recalling our memory, he asked us to think of an instance in recent times where we saw this item again and what thoughts and feelings came to mind now when associating this same item with that memory. How have things changed? Where are you now? What have you learned since then? After being asked about our personal experiences with the piece, D. S. Waldman then revealed the true title behind the work. It was called “Violin and Candlestick” by Georges Braque (1910). The painting depicted a candlestick and a broken violin, with its pieces scattered everywhere about the canvas.

After reflecting on the painting for a few minutes, Waldman then proceeded to tell us a story that he related to the work of art. He lost all feeling of his right hand and had to relearn how to do everything he did without a thought, now with vivid concentration as he developed the skills with his left hand. He was the broken violin, putting himself back together again in a completely different way. After recalling his story, Waldman moved onto his next topic of discussion. It was an untitled work from Mark Rothko, Waldman recalled, resonating with the work as it represented for him, a smoldering of himself. After looking at the work by Mark Rothko, we then moved on to a discussion on how art is perceived by everyone through a different lense. I agree. As an example of that exact thought had happened at the beginning of the talk when Waldman asked the whole room what they saw in this painting displayed on the projector with no title, just our imagination. I can’t confidently say that all of our answers were completely different but what I can say is that they were unique to our own views/perspectives. I think that is a way I like to look at the art work done by Christian Robinson in the children’s book “Milo Imagines the World”. As Milo is the artist in his story, he draws things in his notebook for what he sees them as, with no background to what is actually happening in a person's life.

Even just this simple example shows how one person may depict what they see versus what someone else might see. This unique perspective with art even just shows the variation from person to person, or even within yourself at a second glance. D. S. Waldman then continued on to talk about the next topic. A big inspiration behind all of his works, John Ashbery. We reflected on one titled, Some Trees. I am not great at reading secret meanings behind literary works all the time, but through the explanation by Waldman, I felt I was able to better understand that the tree’s in the poem stand for a connection to speech. This is another perspective on how everyone can see things through different lenses, how some may see lyrical expressions and some may see a speech. It just depends on the eye of the artist. Throughout the entirety of the speech, Waldman's expression was very bleak, he had no enthusiasm as he read along to the poems, no change in volume or tone. I think that this was one way that he wanted us to have a unique interpretation on the work we were taking in. The overall experience I had when attending D. S. Waldman’s lecture was a great experience for me, I was able to hear about other people’s perspectives on the same work of art and how it changes through the lenses of each individual. I think that is the beauty of Ekphrasis. That between each individual is a unique outlook on what was thought to be a simple piece of art work, is really a complex interpretation based on personal experience.

[clowningismyboyfriend]

Ladies and gentlemen, please allow me to interrupt your current/relevant and recent social media doom scrolls to share something wholesome and that I will forever treasure thanks to and about @taylorswift

Hi!

My goodness! This isn’t the normal for me but why not. I figure the chances of a #Taylurking would be higher here!

Ok so here’s a straight forward, insightful and personal look into my world and how it is travelling with the post below that I recently shared in the Facebook Fan Group “Taylor Swifts Vault” Thanks to this page I discovered (thankfully in time to get some tickets!!) that my local cinema will be playing the Eras tour movie and after locking down tickets, I was beyond stoked and have had the best day celebrating and singing Taylor ALL DAY. Now look, this is the usual for me to sing all the things all of the times, but it was next level for the family, trust me.

I thought it was only being shown in Brisbane and was sorta kinda hurt all over again after not being able to get tickets. After making peace with not getting tickets, I buried any hard feels by creating this very blog page you find yourself eyeballing!

I’d been gently guiding my niece (I am her full time guardian) and stepdaughter, also 12, into Swiftie Territory. I mean, we would already regularly bust out to a song together; I am always oversharing facts and insights into whatever song might be playing or giving Swiftstory Lessons on the crucial moments in Taylor’s life and what impact they might have had, BUT most importantly I am forever establishing Taylor as a perfect role model for them by talking about/reminding them of all the amazing acts of kindness she does, her humble nature and generous bonuses to staff and the wonderful ways she shows up for her fans in so many ways.

I have been know to correlate lyrics and thematic aspects of Taylor’s songs when we are having the big “life” talks; you know, relationship talks and whatever- There is always something that can be tied to a TS song, particularly with 12 year old girls who have huge amounts of feelings and a tendency to be dramatic.

I was SO happy they agreed to be my dates on Friday the 13th October at 6pm AEST at Reading Cinemas, Harbourtown, Gold Coast/Queensland Australia (phew what a mouthful lol. Posted this specific info in the hopes of catching the attention of any other fellow local Swifites!)

But when we started excitedly discussing and began whipping up our friendship bracelets and planning our outfits together (..or “fits” as my niece calls it) I had to hold back from crying happy, deep realisation in the in the moment style of tears.

Anyone with 12 year old girls knows how difficult it can be navigating this period of life in general; the attitudes, moodiness and rapid increase in laziness is enough with just the one, but here I am with TWOz And although I love them like my own and treat ALL the kids equally (there’s 4 other boys too,step sons a nephews and a biological Threenager turddler) - It can be so hard, often at times THAT much harder not actually being their Mum.

Why is it that much harder? When they were younger, the dynamics were strictly that of parental figure and child and rules that were more firmer given their ages.

Now, as they get older and start to outgrow previous rules and are given slightly more leeway, they sometimes get more resistant, stubborn and more argumentative as they relearn different and new boundaries.

.. Ladies and gentleman I present to you The Tween Era. Colour Scheme identifiers: Bleak and tonal Thundercloud Grey, with extremely rare flecks of crystal skies blue and cheeky dashes of vibrant colour 😅

.. So anyway I definitely digressed a little bit!

What I am trying to convey is how today I discovered an extra love and appreciation for Taylor Swift that I didn’t consider as a possibility- that being an unexpected but highly enjoyable new bond between my girls and I.

@taylorswift you might not see this, but just knowing that the good intentions of my appreciation will come back to you in the form of positive karma is enough for me:

The impact of your incredibly gifted artistry to date and the resulting, pivotal decision in YOUR world @taylornation to release The Eras Tour to cinemas worldwide has flowed into MY world in the most amazing way…

My niece, stepdaughter and I have successfully managed to find a rare, balancing foundation that I feel will underpin the strength and continuity of so much more love to come. This seemingly flippant bond over you will smoothly carry us through the predicted and potentially rocky hard years to come as they enter the teenager years and beyond.

The simple act of showing our support to you will deepen our connection and positive growth for us for years to come. The wonders it’s worked on our communication already is a priceless gift I’ll always treasure xx

Normally I sign off my posts with the whole swirly font

“until then..” *insert random Taylor lyric alluding to or contextualised into a farewell* resume swirly fancy big font xx Dani.

But this is a bonus round post so here are some bonus photos!

Recent pic of me and my beautiful girls.. again, yes I know they aren’t mine by blood but they are mine in heart and the heart is what that keeps everything flowing and continually going.. I couldn’t think of a better analogy to represent me.

(Yes I was in my Red era that day with the hat/white tee and shirts combo, but the extra layer of “Red” that you didn’t see was how I had “22” blasting through a speaker under the pram, me singing at the top of my lungs as I took 5 kids for a walk up to the local Broadwater to cool off and vibe with the creation of some truly magical, summer beach memories ✨🏝️

Bonus pic 1. Circa being done with “22” 🤪 ( The fella in the purple shirt isn’t mine but he and his sister are practically part of the furniture anyway)

Bonus pic 2. My step kids, niece and nephew and the boss of them all, the tiny, tyrannical, trex-sounding, tantrum throwing , threenager turddler 😂 He’s the problem, it’s him! Everybody agrees everybody agreeeess.. 😜

[teddyextrapaw]

eidolons gender diaries: 7/20/2023

ever since i found out i would be able to get on testosterone i have been going through a whiplash of emotion. initially i thought this was my bipolar, or maybe my anxiety meds werent working. after.... er, too long, i finally realized it has to do with my transition

being genderfluid makes things complicated.

i dont... not relate to child me. i dont feel they were forced to be a girl, forced to perform any role or wear anything they didnt want. i dont feel my child self had to play or act in any way except their authentic self. and their authentic self? wanted to be a princess or a ballerina when they grew up. loved pink. had pink walls! loved dolls, makeup, ANYTHING girly. long hair, cheerleader, the list goes on...

somehow, it feels like im going to lose that part of me. with finality. that “she”, the little girl i was (because i do feel child me was a girl or just didnt have gender) is going to be gone, now i transition

its. hard.

its been a strange feeling. like a meteor or gray cloud hangs above my head. that feeling of “when will the other shoe drop”, the sudden bouts of anxiety and depression... inability to sleep, fearing the next day but not knowing Why.

to some degree this is ptsd and such. but a huge part of it is... were getting closer to a huge, huge change. and i feel fear, excitement, happiness and grief in equal measure. i was sure this would be pure euphoria. it is, mostly but... no.

ive never heard someone feel as conflicted as me while also being completely confident in their choice to start gender affirming care

i sing, and talk, and i think sadly of the fact this voice i use now will change. i have awful voice dysphoria, but this has been my voice so long. and while i do not like it for me, it is beautiful. its soothing, calm, melodic. when singing, its truly special.

i will have to relearn how to sing, how to talk... it makes me sad. never hearing this voice come out of me again once it has deepened... i feel a sense of loss. im so ready to leave it behind, but also... sad. because... its my voice? it will be gone

i forget how hard transition periods can be. the pain of being a tween to a teen. from being a teen to a young adult. a young adult to an adult.

euphoria and sadness have come in equal measure. i think it is worthwhile to put these feelings out there, be it only for future me or for other trans folk. if you go through this, youre not alone. we will be happier on the other side. but its okay to love parts of us now, too.

[90363462]

Looks Like She Made It

Sep. 28, 2022

“Sorry, I have to keep moving,” the country-pop legend Shania Twain says in the middle of our conversation, uncrossing her legs and stretching them out on the ivory sofa in front of her. Twain, who is the best-selling female country artist of all time, has just wrapped a photo shoot on the top floor of The Standard hotel, and she kicks off the Amina Muaddi platform stilettos she’s still wearing and drops an aside worthy of one of her sassy, universally beloved anthems: “It’s been a long day in these shoes.”

Of course, she says it in that famous, arched-eyebrow deadpan, the same one that launched a million bachelorette parties, karaoke nights, and drag shows with the rallying cry “Let’s go, girls.” At the height of her powers, on her 1997 global blockbuster album, Come On Over, Twain’s voice was at once withering enough to turn once-and-future Sexiest Man Alive Brad Pitt into a punchline (on her strutting send-up of the male ego, “That Don’t Impress Me Much”) and affecting enough to reduce an entire wedding guest list to tears (on timeless soft-rock ballads like “You’re Still the One” and “From This Moment On”). After a series of personal and professional setbacks, though — including illness that left her wondering whether she’d ever sing again — she nearly lost her voice for good.

That Twain is a fighter, though, is abundantly clear to anyone who has watched her recent Netflix documentary, Not Just a Girl. Or listened to her new song of the same name, which finds her triumphantly reclaiming that low, twangy croon of hers. Since she recovered from open-throat surgery in 2019, her voice has been feeling “way stronger,” she says, even if she’s accepted that it has undergone some changes. As she prepares to release her first new album in five years, she’s enjoyed getting reacquainted with her instrument. “I’ve had to relearn my voice in a lot of ways, because there are a lot of different elements to it that I didn’t even have before, that I play on and that I enjoy.”

Twain showcased her rich, resonant new sound in April, when Coachella headliner Harry Styles brought her out for an electric guest appearance at the festival. “In the car, with my mother as a child, this lady taught me to sing,” Styles gushed to a crowd of more than 100,000 people.

He added, to raucous cheers, “She also told me that men are trash.”

Styles honoring Twain in such public, headline-generating fashion crystallized something too often left unspoken: Twain’s massive influence on the current generation of pop stars. Twain paved the way for Taylor Swift’s country-to-pop crossover, of course, but artists as disparate as Rihanna, Post Malone, Rina Sawayama, Orville Peck, and Halsey have all claimed Twain as an inspiration.

“I admire her confidence in her path, because she really just loved bringing people together,” Maren Morris — a country star who knows a thing or two about pop crossovers herself — says in an email. “She owned her femininity, but she didn’t hide behind it either. She had the songs to back it up.”

The author Marissa R. Moss says Twain’s influence came up constantly in her interviews for her recently released book, Her Country: How the Women of Country Music Became the Success They Were Never Supposed to Be.

“When [artists like Morris, Miranda Lambert, and Mickey Guyton] were younger, Twain was a very empowering force,” Moss says. Not only for her straight-talking songwriting, but also for her embrace of fashion and her demand that her “visual expression be taken seriously as a part of the art form.” (Hello, iconic leopard-print catsuit.)

I was never a pushover, ever in my life.

“I didn’t realize it until these kids became young adults and were actually in the public eye, talking about it,” Twain says back at The Standard. She sips from one of the glasses of chilled champagne that an assistant has put in front of us so unobtrusively it seems to have manifested out of the ether. “When I crossed over [from country to pop], they were part of an age group that, on the way to school, had the music on repeat. Or maybe it was the music that, as a kid, they wanted on repeat, that sort of annoying, ‘Oh no, play that again!’”

Masked country singer Orville Peck, who collaborated with Shania on their 2020 duet “Legends Never Die,” says in the Netflix documentary, “She reached through the stereo and made me feel safe when I was a young kid.”He’s alluding to her ubiquity during that era, and to the fact that queer listeners have long been drawn to Twain’s music, with its infectious confidence and playful, campy take on gender. (In her lively 2011 autobiography, From This Moment On, Twain notes that the first seeds of inspiration for “Man! I Feel Like a Woman!” were planted in the mid-1980s, when she and her friends frequented Toronto’s gay bars and marveled at the local drag queens’ style.) As Katie Gavin, the lead singer and primary songwriter of the pop band Muna, told me in an email, Shania “has a really strong sense of self, and was probably so underestimated because of her genre and her gender, which queer people can definitely relate to.”

These days her influence is reciprocal, and Twain finds herself listening just as obsessively to the music of some of her disciples — Styles in particular. “I like the floating feeling the music gives off, this happy, peaceful, almost levitating feeling. And I love his voice, he’s a great vocalist.” Coachella was hardly the beginning of their friendship, though; Twain and Styles have been texting sporadically for years. After they met backstage at one of his early solo shows in New York City, Styles called Twain and asked if she would wish his mom a happy birthday. Naturally, she obliged. (Did Harry’s mum freak out? “No, she was very cool,” Twain says. “Very sweet and very cool.”)

Now 57, Twain is a petite but forceful presence: “I was never a pushover, ever in my life,” she says at one point in our conversation. She is exacting with her words, editing as she goes. Speaking of her early career, she tells me, “I took control wherever I could,” but then quickly revises. “Maybe control’s not the right word. I took charge. That’s way better. I took charge.”

That’s something she had to learn how to do long before she arrived in Nashville. Born Eileen Regina Edwards and raised mostly around Timmins, Ontario — a small city seven hours northwest of Toronto — Twain had the sort of hardscrabble childhood that made her relate deeply to the songs that Dolly Parton wrote about her own impoverished youth in the mountains of East Tennessee. When Twain was around four years old, her mother married Jerry Twain, a man of Ojibwa descent; young Eileen took his last name and recognized him as her father for the rest of her life. (“Stepfather, stepbrothers, we never used that vocabulary in our home,” Twain once said.) Their marriage was abusive, though, and from a young age, Eileen witnessed her father’s physical and emotional violence toward her mother. Her parents split up briefly when Eileen was a teenager — the so-called “Twain Gang” of four of her five siblings temporarily relocated to a women’s shelter in Toronto — but they eventually reconciled. Tragically, in 1987, Twain’s parents both died in a car accident while driving to bring food supplies to a camp at their reforestation company. At 22, Twain was suddenly the head of the household, left to support her three younger siblings.

She had been singing songs in local bars long before she could have been served there, and, after her parents’ passings, she found a steady gig performing at Deerhurst Resort in Ontario’s version of Vegas. There, she met a wardrobe mistress with a mellifluous name she’d never heard before, and which she’d later borrow as a stage name, Shania. Someone told her it meant “on my way,” and sure enough, she was: An influential music attorney saw her perform at Deerhurst and got her demo tape into the right hands. She was offered a deal if she’d move to Nashville. So she packed up her pickup and drove south, her first time leaving Canada.

The music industry loves a naive ingenue — the better to exploit you, my dear — but by the time she arrived in Music City, Twain had already survived more tribulations than most people do in a lifetime. “I think the maturity did help a lot,” she tells me now. “They didn’t mold me. I just showed up and I was already who I wanted to be. I was a bit older so I was not impressionable at that point. It was too late. I was already fully formed. I was open, but I was convinced of what I was made of and what were my greatest inspirations.”

Those inspirations included Parton and Willie Nelson, but also the glamorous and sensual Madonna, the hard-rocking, ass-kicking sisters of Heart. The Nashville of the early 1990s was not exactly a playground for cross-genre experimentation, though — especially if you were a woman. Recalls Twain, “I thought I was walking into a much more all-encompassing space, artistically.” Her first music video, for “What Made You Say That,” featured a gloriously early-’90s look that revealed, as she puts it in her autobiography, “maybe four inches” of midriff. Apparently this was enough to set off an epidemic of pearl clutching in Nashville: CMT briefly refused to play the video at all. (Adds Maren Morris, recalling this incident, “People were such prudes.”)

“There’s this belief that to be here in Nashville, you have to be constantly paying your dues in a very specific way,” says Moss. “You’re supposed to be humble, especially if you’re a woman — or God forbid a Black artist or a queer artist. You have to follow every mark on the path to ‘authenticity’ to even have a chance to be considered country enough for Music Row.”

Suffice it to say that didn’t impress Shania Twain much. Her clear-eyed confidence, unapologetic sexuality, and ownership of her artistic vision had a way of rankling the suits. “To me, [writing] was everything,” she says, recalling her dismay when she realized that she wasn’t expected to write her own material, especially as a female artist. “I’m like, ‘Are you kidding?’”

So she started working on some of her own songs, not with the usual squad of country songwriters but with a rock producer who’d gotten in contact with her out of the blue, Mutt Lange. Nobody at her label knew she was writing songs (let alone with Lange) until it was too late to turn back. “I’m like, ‘If I lose my deal, I lose my deal,’” Twain says. “That’s how convinced I was that it was time to make something more original.”

Her first single to reach No. 1 on country radio was “Any Man of Mine,” co-written with Lange, from her 1995 album, The Woman in Me. “Any Man” is flirtatious but assertive — a grown-ass woman’s come-hither song. “Any man of mine better disagree when I say another woman’s lookin’ better than me,” she sings amid a boot-stomping beat and a flurry of fiddles. “And when I cook him dinner and I burn it black, he better say, ‘Mmm, I like it like that.’” It was her first true hit, and she was about to turn 30, which gave her songs a lived-in, no-more-bullshit realism. Twain hadn’t needed to look far for a man who fit her description, though; after a whirlwind romance, in December 1993, she and Lange married.

Record executives didn’t mold me. I just showed up and I was already who I wanted to be.

Like CD-ROMs, the Spice Girls, and VH1’s Behind the Music, it is impossible to explain to someone born after the 1990s what an unavoidable cultural phenomenon Twain’s next album, Come on Over, was in the latter part of that decade. It was basically the Rumours of the CD era. Its seemingly endless run of 12 singles — on a 16-track album! — helped it sell more than 40 million copies worldwide. It is still one of the best-selling records of all time, which means it probably made some of the people who’d initially been skeptical of Twain’s vision a hell of a lot of money.

At least it made Twain and Lange buy-a-mansion-in-Switzerland money, which is exactly what they did. (“I think there were a lot of people who resented her for doing that and thought she was saying she was too good for Nashville or country music or something,” Moss says. She adds, “A lot of people take things personally here, strangely.”) Twain’s next album, 2002’s Up!, was also a huge success — it made her the first and only female artist in history to have three consecutive diamond-selling records in the United States — but after the 2001 birth of her son, Eja, Twain felt she’d earned a small retreat from the spotlight, making a quieter domestic life in a country where her every move wasn’t tabloid fodder.

Unfortunately, melodrama found her anyway. In 2008, she discovered that Lange was having an affair… with her best friend. They divorced shortly afterward, sending Twain into a tailspin of depression. “When I lost Mutt,” she says in the Netflix documentary, “the grief of that was similarly intense to losing my parents. It was like a death — a permanent end to so many facets of my life.”

As shattering as the breakup was, she had an even greater trial to endure around that time: the loss of her voice. “I don’t think I’ll ever meet a challenge like that again,” Twain tells me. When she first started experiencing dysphonia — a condition in which the vocal cords seize up and the voice becomes hoarse — she wasn’t sure what was going on. She later learned it was likely a somewhat rare long-term side effect of Lyme disease, which she contracted in 2003.

These were some of the darkest days of Twain’s life, and in the documentary she admits she didn’t “see any point in going on with a music career.” But in 2012, an unexpected opportunity arose: Lionel Richie, who didn’t realize Twain was struggling with dysphonia, asked her to appear on an upcoming duets album. He wanted to sing “Endless Love” with her, but Twain initially turned him down, doubting that her voice would be strong enough. Richie was persistent enough that she finally gave it a shot. “I had to be very vulnerable. I didn’t want to do it — I was like, ‘Would somebody just push me over the edge?’ But only I could jump off it.”

Working with Richie gave her the confidence to launch her spectacular Vegas residency, Shania: Still the One, and release her first studio album in 15 years, 2017’s Now. By the end of the Nowtour, though, her voice was beyond fatigued. “I realized I couldn’t physically sustain the vocal workout I had to do every day,” she says. A doctor had been telling her for years about a drastic option that might help: open-throat surgery. Once again, she leapt.

“Not knowing what I was going to sound like when I was able to speak again was really scary,” Twain says. After the operation, she was instructed not to make a sound for three weeks. “The anticipation was crazy,” she recalls. “It wasn’t the three weeks of silence, it was the three weeks of waiting to see if it worked.” Happily, she was pleased with the results. “I was like, ‘Oh, my God, I can yell! I can be loud!’ It was so glorious.”

The story of her divorce has a happy — if wild — ending, too. Twain and Frédéric Thiébaud, the former husband of the woman Lange cheated with, comforted each other through their respective heartbreaks, fell in love, and got married. Thiébaud is there at The Standard for the photo shoot, flitting around in sneakers and a hoodie, making sure everyone on set is taken care of and, adorably, sneaking photos on his phone of each one of Twain’s looks like a doting Instagram husband.

Twain, Thiébaud, and his daughter still live in Switzerland, but Vegas has been Twain’s home away from home for the past few years, during her second residency. She appreciates the glitz as much as the next person, as well as the access to nature. “Vegas has a big personality, but it’s a very small city, so you can be out of the city very quickly,” she says. “All of a sudden you’re in the desert, and you’re hiking in the canyons. So I can spend my time there outside of the Strip, as if all of the party doesn’t even exist, and I really love that.”

I was like, ‘Would somebody just push me over the edge?’ But only I could jump off it.

Twain tells me she’s still in contact with Lange: “We raise our son together,” she says, though that’s less of a full-time job since 21-year-old Eja moved to Los Angeles. Again, she seems to choose her words carefully. “We don’t work together anymore,” she says of her ex-husband. “But we’re very… in proximity.”

Now was the first album she made without Lange since her debut, and though she felt “intact creatively,” she was haunted by old, sexist rumors that Lange had written all the songs himself. Making her forthcoming album, her second without Lange, was a more carefree experience. “I wanted there to be joy in it, I wanted it to be very uplifting sonically,” she says. “There’s a lot of cheekiness, a lot of bold, tongue-in-cheek humor, which I’m never afraid of anyway.”

Twain exercises that signature prerogative to have a little fun on her new single, the upbeat pop tune “Waking Up Dreaming.” The music video answers the song’s call to “dress up crazy like superstars,” as Twain embodies a glam-rock goddess, a hair metal star, and a diva in the style of Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy. She promises that a new album and tour are soon to follow.

Twain also just made a guest appearance on Fox’s new country music drama series Monarch, which stars Susan Sarandon and Trace Adkins. As she did (hilariously) on a 2017 episode of Broad City, Twain played a cartoonish version of herself. Both roles have made her “realize it’s fun to laugh at myself and not take Shania so seriously,” she says. Of her delightfully catty turn as Sarandon’s character’s longtime rival, Twain adds, “Take the persona out of context, if you will — I would never act like that for real! But that’s what makes it fun.”

A sense of possibility is once again opening up for Twain. “I’m having more fun with fashion than I did when I was younger,” she says. “Maybe with age I’m just less apologetic for how I look and I let fashion do its job.” She hints that there might someday be a sequel to that Coachella performance. She says of Styles, “He wanted to do a couple of my songs, and that was good and fun. But I just love his music too, so maybe I’ll do the reverse and get him up on my stage to do his songs.”

As ever, Twain is looking ahead. “From a very young age, I had to let a lot roll off my back,” she says, once again stretching her legs to get the blood flowing. “Fear, my insecurities. These are things that are not allowed to get in the way of my dreams and my forward motion.”

Top Image Credit: Carolina Herrera dress, Stetson hat, Nikos Koulis earrings, De Beers necklace, Alaïa belt courtesy of FWRD, talent’s own briefs, Falke tights, Amina Muaddi boots

Photographer: Beau Grealy

Stylist: Tiffany Reid

Hair: Frankie Foye

Makeup: Susana Hong

Manicure: Mo Qin

Production: Kiara Brown

Talent Bookings: Special Projects

Video: Jasmine Velez