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uk-news-talking-politics · 4 years ago

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Everything you need to know about day one of Brexit

By Ian Dunt

Oh sweet Christ not Brexit again.

Yes, you will never escape. It will never be over. Decades from now, as your wrinkled fingers grasp the remote for your 3D holo-viewer, the main news item will still be about Brexit.

At least we got a break during the coronavirus emergency.

Yep, say what you like about pandemics, but at least they take trade talks off the front pages. Still, it's back now. We leave at the end of the year. And deal or no-deal, things at the border are going to be very different.

OK lay it out for me.

For decades we have had frictionless trade with Europe in the customs union and single market. The customs union got rid of tariffs, which are taxes on goods entering a territory, and the single market harmonised regulations, which means goods are made to the same standards. Once you're outside of them, you need checks at the border to make sure people are paying the right tax and complying with the regulations.

And that's what's about to happen?

Exactly. And this will apply regardless of whether there is a deal or not. I want to issue a word of warning before we go any further: It's a horror show. The level of tediousness here is off the scale. This is like someone came up with a super-powered serum for the concept of bureaucracy and then injected it directly into your bloodstream. But you didn't turn into Chris Evans in Captain America, you turned into Jeff Goldblum in The Fly. The worst things are the acronyms. Everything has an acronym. But you need to get your head around it in order to understand what's going to happen to us next month.

I don't care. I hate this. I want this conversation to stop.

You can't, it's too late. You are trapped here with me and the acronyms. OK so here's the basic problem, the one from which all others follow. Our customs system currently processes around 55 million declarations a year. In 2021, it will process around 270 million. It needs to massively ramp up capacity.

It's just as well the government has such a good track record of implementing complex IT projects at speed then.

Quite. To be fair, the government has put a lot of effort into this, albeit belatedly. More than 35 government departments and public bodies are involved, including HM Revenue & Customs (HMRC), the Department for Environment, Food & Rural Affairs (Defra), the Home Office (HO), the Department for Transport (DfT), the Border and Protocol Delivery Group (BPDG) and the Transition Task Force (TTF).

Sweet Jesus the acronyms.

Actually, most of those are abbreviations, but let's not get caught up on details. We've barely scratched the surface. There are three key areas where the government needs to build capacity: IT systems to process the customs declarations, physical infrastructure at or near ports, and staff in government and the private sector to keep the customs system going.

That's a lot to do.

It is. But the government made things easier in one crucial respect: it delayed its own import declarations system until July next year.

What does that mean?

It means that stuff coming into Britain from Europe basically gets waved through. There are still technically customs requirements, but they've been pushed back six months. This allowed them to make sure goods would still enter the country and let them focus on trying to get the exports right.

It's hardly taking back control, is it?

No it isn't, but they're undertaking a systems-level change at an eye-watering timetable, so it was a necessary sacrifice.

Couldn't they have extended transition to prepare for this?

Yes they could, but chose not to. That's cost them. Covid seriously delayed preparations, dominated attention in business and government, paused ministerial decision-making and put communication with traders into deep-freeze over the summer.

So what are the biggest risks now?

The IT systems. There are 10 critical IT systems which are needed at the GB–EU border. Then there are the European systems which UK exporters will need to use to get access to the continent. We're not going to go into all of them here - we're going to massively simplify.

Thank heavens.

Don't worry, it'll still make your brain dribble out of your ears. We're also going to simplify by taking goods going from Britain to Northern Ireland off the table. That's its own separate hellscape. And we're going to focus on the Dover-Calais crossing. There are many others going from England to France, but this is the main route. It serves 'accompanied goods' - when a driver in a lorry takes the goods onto a ferry and then drives it off on the other side of the Channel. This is called RoRo, for roll-on-roll-off.

Acronym. Drink.

If you keep that up you'll be smashed by the end of the article and won't have any idea what I'm talking about.

I already have no idea what you're talking about.

Fair enough, drink away. The trouble with customs IT systems is this: Everyone needs to be filling in the right thing, in the right place, at the right time. If they don't, things break down. That doesn't just apply to the UK and French governments. It applies to exporters and importers, ports, hauliers and others. Customs is all or nothing. If one section is wrong, it's all wrong. Lorries are often full of lots of different consignments of goods from different exporters. Plenty of them travel with 100 individual separate consignments on them. This is called 'groupage'. So if one input of one customs form in one of those consignments is wrong, the whole lorry is delayed. And if that lorry is delayed, all the lorries behind it are delayed. The potential for breakdown is therefore very significant.

This is already making me anxious. It's like Jenga but it reaches all the way into the sky and is composed entirely of knives.

You also need to make sure that third party software used by places like the ports integrates with the government systems. And that assumes that the government IT systems actually work and have staff with the proper experience and training to operate them. And this too is interrelated. If one of the systems breaks down, it has a knock-on effect on the other systems. You keep seeing this same problem crop up. It's not one of error, exactly. It's about the consequence of the error, the knock-on effects of it.

How robust are those IT systems looking right now?

Not great. Some have been delayed indefinitely, some for a set period, some are in trials and some are online. But even when they're finished, you really want to give all the people using them time to understand them, to get used to them, so that when we leave transition there are as few mistakes as possible. All four industry representative bodies, including the Road Haulage Association (RHA) and the British International Freight Association (Bifa), have raised concerns about the government's level of preparedness, saying that they don't believe the border will be fully functioning by next month.

That's two more acronyms by my count.

I'm glad to see you sticking to the important information here. The trouble is that lack of government preparedness doesn't just affect it - it affects trader preparedness as well. If they're not getting clear communication from the government about what is happening and how it is happening, they don't know what to do. And the government has a bad record here. It has marched traders up the hill on no-deal several times over recent years, only to march them down again. Now many simply ignore it. Government communications have, until recently, centred on the "opportunities" of Brexit, which does nothing to indicate the urgency with which people need to make expensive and time-consuming changes. Even in October, just 45% of high-value traders who trade exclusively with the EU had started to invest in readiness.

Oh dear.

There are some reasons to be more optimistic. The first is that government communication has belatedly started to improve. A new campaign in October was much better, telling traders that "time is running out". There's also one really important thing to remember about all this: it's not a long term problem. Brexit has plenty of those and they are severe, but this is not one of them. This is a short, sharp, embarrassing shock. Eventually, the market will adjust. People will see what happens in January and find ways around it so they can get their goods to market. Some people think that will happen very quickly indeed - no more than a month. Some think it'll take the first quarter of next year or longer. But very few people think it will last the whole year. What we're looking at here is the most dramatic, but also ultimately the most superficial, of Brexit impacts.

Starting to feel a bit tipsy now.

Cool, then it might be a good time to start talking about the IT systems.

No. Stop.

What?

I don't want to hear it. I want to get out.

It's too late. You're trapped here in an imaginary world in which I am talking to myself and explaining customs procedures. And in fact your resistance to this conversation probably points to some kind of deep-seated psychological trauma which I'm working my way through.

Dog carcass in alley this morning. Tyre tread on burst stomach.

Very good, Rorschach. So look, there are really four forms you need to remember. First, the import/export declaration. Second, the safety and security documentation. Third, the sanitary and phytosanitary measures for agricultural goods. And fourth, the system that collects these data sets and connects them to the lorry which is transporting the good.

What's in the import/export declaration?

They basically state what the good is, its value and how much duty you have to pay on it. It's the tax bit. It's all very complex, laborious and crammed full of technical minutiae but that's the executive summary. It needs to be lodged before the good gets to the French border.

How do you lodge it?

You do it through a UK system called the Customs Handling of Import and Export Freight, or Chief.

Drink.

This is a really old system and before Brexit was even a twinkle in Boris Johnson's eye, the UK planned to turn it off and migrate all traders to a new system called the Customs Declarations Service, or CDS.

Drink.

CDS was meant to replace Chief from January 2019 and then switch off altogether by March 2021, but there were repeated delays. So instead they're keeping Chief for trade between Britain and the EU and using CDS for trade between Britain and Northern Ireland, because it has the capacity for dual tariff fields. CDS is then going to be scaled up until it can deal with all the declarations.

No acronyms there.

Actually trade between Britain and Europe is called GB-EU and trade between Britain and Northern Ireland is called GB-NI, but let's not worry about that. The government insists that Chief now has an increased capacity that can handle 400 million annual declarations - way higher than the 265 million which are expected. HMRC has paid Fujitsu £85 million to provide technical support. But others aren't convinced. They're not sure it can handle the load and nervous that there isn't enough support if something goes wrong.

Very reassuring.

Isn't it. Remember that the importer on the EU side also has to be doing all of this - at the right time, in the right place - on the European customs system.

OK so what about the safety and security thing?

It's a document outlining what the good is, so it can be assessed for potential risks. Again, it's a long complex thing with multiple data fields. Like import/export, it has to be done in advance of the goods reaching Calais. It's submitted to the UK government via a new system called S&S GB.

Drink.

It must also be submitted to the EU member state's Import Control System, which is called ICS.

Drink. OK tell me about the sanitary pad things.

Sanitary and phytosanitary measures, or SPS.

Drink.

These are there to protect people, animals and plants from disease or pests. They cover products of an animal origin, like cheese, or meat, or fish, as well as live animal exports, plants and plant products, and even the wooden crates used to transport other types of goods. It's painstaking stuff, but I think, given the pandemic we're all going through, we all understand why it's important.

Yeah, fair enough. You've sold me. I'm totally on board with this stuff.

These kinds of goods have to enter Europe through specific Border Control Posts, or BCPs.

Drink.

And there they undergo some, or all, of a variety of checks. There's a documentary check for the official certification which travels with the good. There are identity checks, which provide a visual confirmation that the consignment corresponds to the documentation. And there's a physical check to verify the goods are compliant with the rules, for instance temperature sampling, or laboratory testing. You know that whole chlorine-washed chicken thing?

Sure.

Well this is where they check whether it has been and stop it getting into Europe if it has. But it's actually the documentary check which is the hardest part in terms of UK preparedness. It includes something called an Export Health Certificate, or EHC.

Drink. Jesus Christ.

These are documents which confirm that the product meets the health requirements of the EU. So they might say that the animal was vaccinated, for instance. Some products, like a cut of lamb, will just have one EHC. But others, like a chicken pizza, will have more than one.

We've talked about this before. People shouldn't put chicken on pizza.

You are wrong, it's a perfectly legitimate pizza topping, and in fact you are so wrong that I have started using chicken pizza as my trade-good shorthand. Chicken pizza is the new widgets.

What even are widgets?

No-one knows, that's why economists love them. A chicken pizza, however, is a composite good for the purposes of SPS. The chicken and the cheese are different animal products, so they would need separate export health certificates. And all these certificates have to be verified by an official veterinarian, or OV.

You're just messing me about now.

No seriously, they use that acronym. This whole area of public life has been radicalised into extreme acronym use. Anyway, the OV goes through the details, queries the documents and signs them off. But there's assistance from a person pulling together all the paperwork. They're called a Certification Support Officer, or…

I can't believe this.

...CSO. These guys are mostly in private practices, usually farming practices. It's not a big part of their workload - maybe 20% of what they do. But if you don't have those vets, you can't send the export. That would be catastrophic for the farming, food and hospitality sectors. And that's where we have an issue. There are restrictions on getting that many OVs up and running. There's a tight labour market for vets and the UK is highly reliant on Europeans coming over to do the job, but the end of free movement makes that much more difficult and expensive, as does the covid pandemic.

So what has the government done?

It pumped £300,000 into providing free training for the role. Many vets took it up. The number of qualified vets has jumped from 600 in February 2019 to 1,200 today. But that still leaves a capacity gap of 200.

Well that doesn't sound so bad.

No it doesn't, but when you start to scratch away at the figures, they fall apart. The 200 figure is the number of 'full time equivalent' qualified vets required. And if vets only spend about 20% of their time doing this, it means we'll actually need an extra 1,000 vets training in the additional qualification.

Oh dear.

Yep. Groups representing the sector are seriously worried about this. And as with customs, the smooth functioning of the border will rely on the importer on the EU side doing all the bits they're required to do too, by creating a record in the Trade Control and Expert System, or Traces NT.

Drink. OK, what's the fourth bit of IT?

Transport. This involves wrapping all the other forms together and attaching them to a vehicle. In the UK, we'll be doing this through something called the Goods Vehicle Movement Service, or GVMS.

Drink.

It links export declaration references together into one single Goods Movement Reference, or GMR.

Drink. Bloody hell man these people are out of control.

The GMR should come out like a barcode, a one-stop shop for all the tied-together information we've been discussing. GVMS will be needed for certain movements in January, particularly for trade with Northern Ireland, but it won't be a requirement of all imports until July. It's currently being tested and there are dark murmurs about its functionality from those who have come into contact with it. Mercifully, exporters into Europe on January 1st will be using the French system, SI Brexit. This was operational a year ago and has been fully tested several times.

Those lazy French with their useless romantic dispositions.

It's almost like they're a nation that cares about shopkeepers.

Speaking of which, how're British businesses going to deal with all this additional paperwork?

Many companies will be OK. Very big corporations are well ahead and in many cases have set up a European entity so that they can sell directly from their UK entity to the EU one. Then they'll probably just reflect the customs costs in a subtly increased retail price. Smaller companies who are used to exporting to the rest of the world outside of Europe also have an advantage. They're used to these kinds of things. The people who are most at risk are the small-to-medium-sized enterprises who have traded exclusively with Europe.

Small-to-medium-sized… Oh no.

Yeah, that's right. SMEs. Which, by the way, comprise the vast majority of companies in the UK. If you send just two or three loads of your product a month to Europe, it probably won't be worth the cost in manpower and money preparing for all this stuff. They'll likely just accept a shrinkage in their business. For many of them, the whole thing is a bafflement. Honestly, you read the guidance on all these systems and it's like it's in an alien code - a garbled assault of acronyms and complex systems. Many small firms, already suffering from covid, just throw up their hands in despair.

Bleak. It's always the little guys that get it.

Yes, although paradoxically, that actually presents one of the few reasons for optimism. Well, not optimism exactly, but a hope for least-badism. Now that so many people feel January will be chaotic, they might just decide not to bother trying to send anything. Goods will get stuck at a warehouse instead of on a truck.

Seriously? That's your good news? Aren't you just displacing disruption from the ports to other parts of the supply network?

Yes precisely. But there really are no good outcomes here.

Because if that doesn't happen, the system seizes up?

Yeah exactly. Lorries head to Dover then get held up because they don't have the correct paperwork. Then lorries behind those lorries get caught up, pushing the queue out, dominating Kent, creating a huge singular blockage. The government's own Reasonable Worst Case Scenario, or RWCS…

Drink.

... estimates that between 40% and 70% of lorries may not be ready for border controls, leading to queues of up to 7,000 trucks.

But that would only be going out right? The stuff we bring in to the country would be unaffected because we're not putting in place controls.

Kind of. It's certainly true that most imports should have a clear run into the UK. You can keep those two lanes separate. But most hauliers are from Romania, Lithuania, Hungary and Poland. They pay a lease on their trucks, which means they have to keep them going if they're to make money. They can't afford to get stuck in a queue at the border. So there's a good chance they'll look at the log-jam in the UK and think: 'I'm not touching that with a barge pole'. This would mean Britain struggled to get its imports, including potentially fresh food and medicines.

Wow.

Yeah, it could be bad. But there are plans for that eventuality. The government has set up some emergency routes, for instance on the Newhaven-Dieppe crossing. There's additional ferry capacity at eight ports, with the Department for Transport acting as the referee on which vehicles get onto their crossing. But it's not a like-for-like replacement. Many of these crossings take much longer than the short gap between Dover and Calais, and they often operate for unaccompanied goods overnight. If the import is urgent, or fresh, or, like some covid vaccines, needs to be kept at a certain temperature, then you may have a problem.

What is the government doing to make sure this doesn't happen? How will they control the blockage?

There's three parts to that really. The first is controlling access to Kent, which the trucks head into to get to Dover. This project has no acronym, but instead adopted one of the least elegant names in the history of British policy-making: The Check an HGV is Ready to Cross the Border Service.

Wait but...

Yeah. HGV: Heavy Goods Vehicle.

I fully accept now that it was a mistake to adopt this drinking idea.

Before the lorry gets to Kent, the driver will fill out an online form with a bunch of information - the registration number, the destination, details of the consignments, confirmations that the import/export documents have been filled in, export health certificates, the whole lot basically. Those that are judged to have all the documentation are given a Kent Access Pass, or KAP.

Drink.

And that allows them to go into Kent. Police can hand out £300 fines to lorries found on the Kent roads without the permit.

But this is all done on trust right? It's a self-assessment form.

Yep. It'll rely on people filling it out right. It's not linked to EU customs systems. So there's no guarantee that documents they claim to have completed will be accepted by EU customs authorities. But on the plus side, the software was launched recently and most people think it'll work OK. It's better than nothing, basically.

Alright so what's next? Traffic management?

Exactly. It's uncanny how naturally your questions lead me onto the next thing I want to discuss.

That's because I am you.

Don't talk about that, it makes it weird. Alright so first up we have the traffic flow plans. The Department for Transport is taking an existing temporary system to create contraflow on the M20 and putting it on a permanent footing, allowing 2,000 lorries to be held on the motorway while traffic still flows in both directions on the London-bound side.

OK, what's next?

Well then there's the issue of actual sites. HMRC has identified seven locations outside the ports. There's prep work being done at a site in Sevington, Ashford, at a cost of £110 million, to act as a clearing house for another 2,000 lorries. Some 600 lorries can be held on the approach to Manston airport, with more at the airport itself. These two sites, along with the M20 contraflow, are for holding traffic. There are also plans for Ebbsfleet International Station, North Weald Airfield and Warrington to be used for bureaucratic checks away from the border. Other sites, potentially in the Thames Gateway and Birmingham areas, are also being considered. They insist that this should give them capacity for 9,700 lorries, which is above the 7,000 in their worst case scenario.

Assuming that scenario is correct.

Right. Covid and other unrelated events, like a fire breaking out for instance, could mean that even the worst case scenario is an underestimate. We just don't know. Plus that relies on all of this being up in time. The government has passed legislation to streamline planning processes, but the timetable is unbelievably tight. The same thing goes for staff.

These are the customs officials who check all the paperwork, right?

That's certainly part of it. They're split into two departments: HMRC and Border Force. HMRC needs 8,600 full-time equivalent staff in place for January 1st. They still need another 1,500 but seem confident they'll have them. Border Force recruited an additional 900 staff ahead of a possible no-deal last year and is trying to bring in 1,000 more. Ministers are confident they'll have enough people in place by January 1st, but trade experts are less convinced.

Recurring theme.

Indeed. It's easy to get fixated on numbers but it really matters how well you've trained people too. You can have someone helping with customs work after a day or two, but for them to have any real sense of what they're doing, you're going to want a year's training. And then there's the question of personality type. Customs is a very specific kind of work, full of extremely complex documentation which must be got right. For some people, that is unimaginably boring. For others, it's very satisfying. But you need the right ones. And that's not what typically happens when people get desperate on a recruitment drive.

What's the other part of the staffing problem?

The private sector. It's a job called 'customs broker'. They're basically people who come in and help companies with their customs forms. Like I said, this stuff is mind-meltingly complex. You really do need someone to come and help you do it. And that's what the government wants too of course, because the more people getting it right, the fewer delays at the border. But as of last September, just 53% of traders said they planned to use a customs broker, with 30% unsure and 18% saying they were going to do the work themselves. Those aren't good numbers.

Are there enough of them to meet demand?

No. This has been a long-running problem. Almost two-thirds of customs brokers do not have enough staff to handle the increased paperwork from leaving the EU. And actually capacity seems to have reduced over the year due to the covid pandemic. The UK needs thousands more.

What's the government doing about it?

It's invested £84 million since 2018 into training, recruitment and IT system development. But many customs brokers are still hesitant about taking on new salary costs to build a capacity that won't be fully required until next July and they're nervous about taking on unprepared customers. Of the £84 million on offer, just £52 million had been taken up in mid-October.

Is that… is that it? Please say that's it. I'm wasted.

It is.

OK so give me the executive summary.

We're about to experience the sudden implementation of complex customs processes in a nation which forgot they existed. This involves the introduction of numerous interrelated IT systems which have been under-tested. It's not clear that either government or traders are fully prepared for what's about to happen. In order to minimise the disruption the government is introducing various traffic management projects and trying to bulk up staff capacity. But there's just too many variables to know how it'll pan out. Maybe the systems will hold out and many traders will anyway sit out January because of concerns about queues. Or maybe the systems will fail, traders won't fill in forms right and the whole thing will blow up in our face. The most likely outcome right now is somewhere between shambles and catastrophe. We have to hope it's a shambles.

Can you do it in acronym-speak?

Amid RHA and Bifa concerns about the lack of progress, HMRC, Defra, the HO, the Dft, the BPDG and the TTF are building up IT systems for post-Brexit GB-EU trade and particularly for RoRo at Dover-Calais which will involve exporters submitting import/export declarations to Chief and the CDS, S&S information to S&S GB and ICS, and collating their SPS documentation - including an EHC filled out by an CSO under the supervision of an OV sent via a BCP - with the importer logging it on Traces NT, while generating a GMR via GVMS and SI Brexit, and then HGVs getting a KAP, all to avoid the RWCS.

D… Drink?

Yes I think so. That seems very sensible.

#Brexit #customs

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rachelbethhines · 4 years ago

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Tangled Salt Marathon - Rapunzel and the Great Tree Part 2

Continuing on with the midseason finale of season two.

Part 1 is here https://rachelbethhines.tumblr.com/post/628826170657570816/tangled-salt-marathon-rapunzel-and-the-great

Summary: After Adira saves Rapunzel and the group from the hurt incarnation, Cassandra makes her suspicions of Adira known which causes a falling out between her and Rapunzel. Meanwhile Hector uses the dormant power of the tree to try and attack everyone.

Cassandra’s Motivation Doesn’t Aline With Her Later Actions

If you’re going to have a character do a complete 180 from her original goal, than you need a better reason than just mommy issues; or validation issues, or career problems, or just simply having a falling out, or jealousy, or a ghost girl whispering in your ear, or whatever the fuck they’re trying to do with Cassandra.

Going from ‘protect’ to ‘murder’ is a huge moral alignment shift that needed clear and reasonable justification. Cassandra is never given that. Instead they just throw everything at the wall that they can think of in the hope that something sticks.

Only it never does because her original story was re-written at the last minute.

Well That Was Pointless

Max and Pascal wind up saving Eugene and Lance from the man eating plant. Which adds nothing to the story. It happens and is then never brought up again. It’s just an excuse to write Eugene out of the Cass and Raps conflict and not an extension of either his or Lance’s own narratives.

That’s a problem, because Eugene should be a main character and Lance an important supporting side character. Instead Eugene is regulated to side character status while Lance is unimportant comic relief. Not only does this ignore that fact that Eugene was the protagonist of the movie same as Rapunzel, but it also ignores the basic writing rule of ‘don’t add in characters who don’t serve a purpose in the story’.

Adira Just Saved All of Your Asses, Cass

Boy does Adira put up with a lot of bullshit in this show, and 90% of it comes from Cass being a little bitch.

She has no biases for this argument. Adira hasn’t done anything to warrant this accusation. In fact she’s proven herself time and time again only for Cass to lash out like a spoilt teenager with an inferiority complex.

And Cassandra is 23!!!

The young adults on this show are constantly written like pre-teens while the only actual teenager is constantly forced to be the most mature person in the show.

It’s mind boggling.

Rapunzel is In the Right Here, But the Show Wants Us to Sympathize with Cass Instead?

Oh No! Raps raised her voice at Cassandra and made her feel bad, you guys. Feel sorry for the poor paranoid baby who who’s acting like a jealous brat for no reason.

Bull Shit.

Cassandra not only has nothing to back up her accusation but the narrative never goes on to prove her right either. Adria is on the up and up, and always had been according to Destinies Collide. For all the show’s efforts to make Cass seem reasonable by having Adira mysteriously pop in and out, it all falls flat once you know where everything is heading.

Plus, even if she were magically right about Adira that wouldn’t excuse her bossing Rapunzel around and insulting her intelligence. Had she done that to me I’d be telling her something a lot harsher than just to knock it off.

Oh, But I Thought You Said Flashbacks to Corona Would Be Too Confusing?

So one of the writers, Ricky, has gone on record stating that they did originally have plans to show flashbacks to Corona to show what was going on with Rapunzel’s parents, Varian, and the Saporians. He then said they dropped them because they feared that it would be too confusing for the audience.

Yet we get this pointless scene thrown into the middle of the mid-season finale.

And by the looks of it it’s before even Beginnings, or maybe after Beginnings, who knows; so it’s not just a change of scene, it’s also a change in time as well. A point in the timeline that’s not been firmly established enough. So it not only has less reasons to exist then a Varian flashback would, but it’s also potentially more confusing than what a simple single episode set in Corona would have been.

I don’t know who to blame for this poor decision making, if it’s just Chris, Chris and Ben, or a shared blame with all of the writers, but while the buck does stop with Chris, much of what Ricky has said online doesn’t reflect very well on his writing skills. Cause that’s a huge and utter bullshit excuse.

So What Does This Add, Exactly?

Cass gives Rapunzel this purse as a gift. A purse that’s not been shown to be all that important before and isn’t made significant again. Then Raps launches into this speech about how good a friend Cass is and how lost she’d be without her.

I understand what the thought process for this was; it’s to show how far Raps and Cass have grown apart recently and what Cassandra herself liked about being friends with Rapunzel to being with, which was the validation boost of being useful and needed; but there’s a lot of problems with including it here.

For starters, lack of validation isn’t enough to suddenly switch into ‘kill mode’ which is where all of this is eventually leading.

Validation shouldn’t be the foundation of any long term relationship and so rather than proving how good of a friend they are to each other, you’ve only given futher reason for why they’re toxic together.

You needed to be building them up all throughout season one before launching into this break up plot. This scene is too little too late because we’ve spent too many episodes tearing Raps and Cass down for this plot to have the effect that they wanted it to.

Cassandra is just doing her job. She’s suppose to show Rapunzel around and help her with shit, that’s what a lady in waiting does. Cassandra’s friendship with Rapunzel shouldn’t be so tied to her career trajectory to begin with. Not only is it unhealthy but it then is used to victim-blame Rapunzel for all of Cassandra’s problems. Even though the only thing actually holding Cass back is herself, as proven in season three.

Timeline Confirmed

So it is indeed six months since Secret of the Sun Drop, give or take a few days to organize stuff before the trip. Meaning we’re now a year out from Before Happily Ever After. I point this out now, in order to prove something later on.

This Logically Should Have Been the End of the Argument, But the Writers are Dragging Things Out Needlessly

You know what I hate more than a ‘lack of communication causes drama' trope? Characters taking the time to communicate and still missing the bloody point and not resolving anything.

Technically, Rapunzel is still in the right. She is an autonomous person capable of making decisions for herself, and Cass does need to get over herself and treat Rapunzel as such and stop getting butt hurt over not being the one in charge.

But then we have to ruin that message by throwing in this line.

Like, yes you’re technically in charge here Raps, but making decisions shouldn’t mean walking all over someone's feelings either. Being a leader is just as much about listening as it is about taking charge and neither of these characters understand that yet.

And they never will, cause the writing for them is shit.

When I first saw season two I honestly believe that this would tie into Rapunzel’s previous conflicts regarding responsibility and hypocrisy. I thought they had an arc here about learning to balance assertiveness and personal boundaries, with genuine compassion and respect for others. Had they went through with that then this could have been something truly special, but they go and throw it all away come season three. Now its just heartbreak and frustrating to watch.

Also Stupid ‘Sisters’ Plot Foreshadowing

More on this later, but just know if you hate the idea of calling Raps and Cass sisters then blame Chris.

This Song Underlines The Core Problem With Cassandra's Arc

There’s no stakes.

I’ve already discussed at length now about how Cassandra’s goals and motivations are inconsistent, and how her actions don’t line up. But the reason the writers are struggling so hard to find something that fits her, is because the story has grown past her.

We’ve already seen characters who struggle with poverty, homelessness, neglect/abuse, and oppression. There are now tons of people in the story who are fighting just for survival, and they’re all regulated to either supporting roles, one off appearances, or are background characters.

So with that in mind what is there to justify Cassandra getting focus over them? What is she struggling with here that deserves more screen time and attention than, Eugene, Varian, Lady Caine, or even Adira?

Cassandra isn’t poor. She lives well off in the castle and has high ranking connections. She’s not even struggling with a job she hates anymore because we’ve already seen her promoted to the one she wanted by this point.

Cassandra isn’t homeless, she once again lives in the castle and if she chooses to leave she has plenty of opportunities waiting for her, as evidenced by Goodbye and Goodwill and Beginnings. Plus she’s shown to be capable of supporting herself both in this season and the next.

Cassandra isn’t oppressed. She can leave anytime she wants to. She can defy the king's orders in SotSD because she’s the princesses’s bestie. She doesn’t face jail or hanging just because she and Raps has a fight now and then.

The only thing going for her is possibly neglect/abuse, but that’s not been introduced into the story yet and isn’t what she’s discussing here. It also contradicts what was previously established between her and Cap in season one when it does come into play.

Validation Alone is Not Enough to Connect With Most of the Audience

Even the stanchest of Cassandra supporter often has to heavily project onto her in order to connect with her. Which isn’t a bad thing in of itself. Everyone projects to some degree or other when exploring media, that’s part of being human. But the problem is that because she’s so thinly written you’re left with little else but projection. And so you’ll hear excuses like, well she’s fighting the class system, she’s an abuse survivor, or she deserves to lash out over not getting what she wants when she’s worked so hard for it. But none of those excuses are actually presented on screen.

Cassandra doesn’t fight against the class system. If she did she would be fighting for everyone. She’d be singing about everyone’s problems not just her own.

Cassandra’s past abuse is just slapped on at the last minute and then disregarded when convenient. It doesn’t actually factor into the decisions she makes later on.

Also, you don’t deserve anything just because you ‘work hard’ nor because you just really, really want it.

It’s that point that I really take issue with.

On the surface Cassandra should be the most relatable person in the show. I mean what young adult or teen living in this post apocalyptic nightmare of a capitalist dystopia not ever felt disappointed over not getting the job they wanted or not being given enough positive validation while crushed underneath mounting unrealistic expectations. It’s the main reason why so many of her supporters are teenagers and LGBT+.

But all of those worries stem from something deeper than just a lack of positive reinforcement.

You know why I had to give up on my career as an animator?

It didn’t pay benefits.

I had medical issues and needed health insurance, but since most animation is commissioned and/or contract based, particularly if you live/work on the east coast, then you’re not going to get that most of the time. And this is after spending the majority of my time in college homeless, living out of my car, crashing on friends and families couches. I did this for three fucking years because I didn’t want to wind up in a textile mill or a carpet factory like everyone I else knew growing up, and I was told my whole life that if I went to school and worked hard enough I could have a well paying job that I enjoyed and got me away from my abusive home life.

People like me, we’re bitter over not getting the jobs we wanted or the support we needed, not because we believe we’re special and therefore deserve it or some such bullshit, but because our very lives are dependent upon it! We’re victims of a class system that lets you starve if you don't find work. Where you’ll be trapped in abusive situations cause you can’t afford a home on your own. Where simply being yourself can be dangerous as there are people who vocally want to deny us rights and even kill us.

Cass is an entitled whiny brat in canon because she doesn’t have any of those underlying issues. She doesn’t face real discrimination, oppression, poverty, or the looming threat of death hanging over her. She’s just throwing a temper tantrum.

Once Again Adira is Saving Your Butt Cass

Adira is quickly becoming one of my favorite characters in the marathon. I’m sorry I didn’t appreciate her more when I first watched the show.

Also, I’m Sorry I Didn’t Recognize the Awesomeness That Is Hector Until Now Either.

Like this is a good conflict. They both have legitimate reasons for what they do. They’re both in the right here. That’s what makes them interesting.

They’re both fighting for something. They’re home and the belief that they can fix things, vs the fate of the world and their loyalty to both the cause and their family. All on top of having their own relationship issues.

Hector so should have been the main villain of season two, because he just has the most reason to be opposed to the mains’ goal.

That’s more than whatever Cass and Raps are fighting about. The only thing at stake there is their friendship, which isn’t that big of deal when you compare it to the lives and safety of billions of people.

Plus Hector’s just flat out entertaining.

Why is Everybody Just Standing Around Doing Nothing Here?

Fucking do something you lugnuts!!!

You’re all capable fighters. You’ve all taken down much harder enemies than one lone guy and two bearcats. Why aren’t you helping Cass fight back? Or heck, if you wanted Cass to face Hector alone then have her be a distraction so that the others can escape. Anything but having them just stand there and be useless!

Yet Again I Have to Ask Why Should Cass Care?

Or rather why should the audience care?

Cass isn’t a lady in waiting just because some random jerk who's already taunting her and trying to kick her ass calls her such. Hector’s not from Corona and has no knowledge of Cassandra’s life beyond what he may have heard repeated by Adiria (who is also not from Corona) or what Cass herself said in her very metaphorical song. Nor does either them have a say in how Cass’s career goes.

If you want to push the narrative that Cass is still a lady-in-waiting and a maid, despite having earned Cap’s approval and being appointed by the king to guard Rapunzel, then you damn well need to establish that among the mains.

Or you know, stop trying to go back on what you’ve set up in season one.

So How Is This Suppose To Work?

So from the backstory that we get on both the Tree and Zhan Tiri herself, this shouldn’t happen. Like Zhan Tiri is currently trapped in another dimension and according to season three she has no possession powers herself.

Now the tree itself is said to be sentient and that Zhan Tiri took control of it, but how? How is a tree sentient? Why is it sentient? How did Zhan Tiri bend it to her will? Why is it still under her control while she’s been trapped in another dimension for hundreds of years? Why and how does the spear keep it dormant? Why does the tree itself have possession powers when Zhan Tiri has none? Is there any connection between this Great Tree and the cursed tree that was suppose to free Zhan Tiri back in Painter’s Block? If so then why are these things never brought back into play during season three?

Give me answers damn it!

Now This is a Good Conflit, Shame It’s Never Resolved

Both have valid reasons to do what they do. Both are neither right nor wrong. Both however wind up getting in the way of each other because neither will listen or trust the other.

Rapunzel thinks that this will stop Hector, and she is right it does, but more importantly she chooses this route because it gives everyone else a chance to run away. The problem is that she can’t control it, but from her point of view that’ll only put her and Hector at risk if everyone else will just do as she says and leaves.

Cassandra thinks the spear will stop it because it’s done so before, and that’s a logical assumption. It also means that Rapunzel herself won’t be in any danger, though the others might. Cass can’t free everyone at once like Rapunzel can. It’ll also be a threat to herself, and there’s the risk that tree will stop her before she can deal the final blow.

So what’s happening on a personal level is that Rapunzel thinks taking charge means that everyone needs to follow her say without question. Cassandra thinks Rapunzel should listen to her more, not because Rapunzel needs to listen better in general, but because she doesn’t feel Rapunzel is mature enough to make big decisions and that she herself should be in charge of the group. Both girls feel superior to the other and above other people as well, because they’re convinced they’re always right.

Had this been the actual conflict that they went with in season three, had they actually had both characters held accountable for their actions and learn something, and hadn’t dragged innocent people into their bullshit with so much as a ‘by your leave’ or ‘I’m sorry’; then this might have been a decent story. Perhaps not as impactful as Varian’s, but still meaningful, thoughtful, and well, coherent.

But that’s not what they did, and we’ll see no real resolution to this disagreement.

So Why Is No One Affected By the Hurt Incantation This Time?

Eugene here was injured by the tree earlier, that’s why he’s past out, but everyone else remains unharmed by Rapunzel’s singing. Even though just last episode everyone around her were dying from it, and again in the season finale everyone dies from said incantation. But here and in Rapunzel’s Return, Rapunzel can use the incantation without harming anyone nearby so, how does that work?

Some people have suggested that when Rapunzel focuses her hair on a target like the tree here or the amber later, that it doesn’t spread to other people, but that’s never stated on screen so it’s still a flaw.

Well This Goes Nowhere

I think the writers just like throwing in shocking ‘twists’ and moments like this just for the sake of looking edgy and ‘deep’ but then they never actually follow through on the impact of such moments on the characters nor consider the more troubling implications of including them.

I grew up on Gargoyles, Batman the Animated Series, the 90s X-Men Cartoon, and The Pirates of Dark Water. I’ve seen far more shocking and edgy stuff than this when I was six years old. In many ways the american animated tv landscape has regressed since the early 2000s when it comes to more mature cartoons, and no that’s not a complaint about modern cartoons being bad; some are good some are bad, just like its always been; but that culturally we’ve shied away more from darker moments like this and we’ve having to push for them all over again in media.

But the difference between Tangled and those 90s cartoons I’ve mentioned is that Tangled’s darker moments are misplaced. It clashes horribly with the more comedic route that the series usually takes and as such they don’t get the focus that they need too.

After season two is done, Cass’s hand will never be mentioned again. It does not tie into her later motivations at all nor influences her actions. Throughout the series she’ll be able to use it easily without consequence. We don't even get any on screen confirmation if it’s healed by grabbing the moonstone, by the sundrop incarnation in the finale, or if she just forever has a burnt arm. That’s how little importance it is to the story.

This Also Goes Nowhere

Hector calls out this warning but it’s then never followed up on. Adira is proven not to be a liar at all and nobody in the group is actually doomed. Yes the wider world is put in jeopardy, but that’s Cass’s fault not Adira’s.

The writers were too focused on making Adira the red herring for Cassandra that they forgot to make her an actual person, with wants, feelings, desires, goals, and a life beyond her mission. She’s never shown helping her family and barely interacts with them, she’s never given a reason for why she keeps disappearing, and the idea that she’s doing this to save her home is just supposition on my part because otherwise she has no reason. The series never gives us one.

And ‘Destiny’ Is Not A Fucking Reason!!!

Oh, So Adira Will Help Hector But Not Quirin or Varian?

If Hector and Adira consider each other siblings because they’re both in the Brotherhood, than logically Adira would consider Quirin her brother as well, and Varian would be her nephew.

She was around long enough to see the final battle in SotSD. That’s why she appears at the end of that episode, how she knows Rapunzel is the sundrop and has ‘seen her power’, and how she knows that the group has met both Quirin and Varian before now.

She knows that Quirin is trapped in amber. She knows her nephew has been arrested by a kingdom with a poor track record of punishing orphaned teens and poor people with overly harsh sentences. So why didn't she do anything there?

We find out during season three that the black rocks can cut through the amber, and its established that Adira’s sword can cut through the rocks, so clearly she didn’t even try to save Quirin has just given him up for dead. But there’s no reason why she couldn’t have broken Varian out of the prison and taken her with him.

In fact Adira hiding Varian from the rest of the group during season two would have been an actual reason for her disappearance and an actual reason not to trust her. That would have upped the stakes and given Cass reasons for what she does. Plus more time for Varian’s redemption, more chances to call out Rapunzel and Fredric on their BS, and ties seasons one and two together better.

Seriously leaving Varian out of season two was the dumbest decision in television. Putting Varian back in actually fixes everything in the show.

The Real Reason for the Burnt Hand is a Costume Change for Cass

I don’t know if she even got merchandise for this costume.

Conclusion

Much like season one’s arc episodes, The Great Tree held a lot of promise that was then completely wasted by season three. It’s also one of the very few episodes in the season to have actual stakes and conflict so it easily jumps to the top of the pile. But what it sets up is then never resolved or expounded upon, making it a waste.

Next up we’ll have the mid season recap.

#tangled #anti-tangled #anti-cassandra #anti-rapunzel #tangled the series #rapunzel's tangled adventure #adira #hector #the brotherhood

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detonizing · 4 years ago

Text

headcanon.

50 headcanon challenge prompted by @bnharpchub bc so many people were doing it on dash and my restraint is only so strong

coming up with 50 new headcanons was so difficult jfc AWOEINAWE i cheated a bit and some of them mention hcs I already wrote about before, but I did my best to focus on a different part of it to give it a new spin so it’s technically new....ish. awoieNAWEIAWNE

he learned how to cook because his parents were always busy and he wasn’t going to just expect them to cook for him when he could just do it himself ( he learned a whole LOT of things because he realized he could just do it himself )

he doesn’t usually keep things for sentiment reasons. there ARE a few exceptions, but for the most part if it’s important enough to remember he’ll just simply remember it

he likes the view from up high. mountain climbing really made him aware of that, and it was a part of the reason why he wanted to learn how to fly ( that, and just the fact of it being practical, using his quirk to enhance movement )

sometimes puts on a clear coat of nail strengthening polish during weeks of particular harsh training. he would put on coloured polish too, but they often get ruined very quickly because of how much he uses his hands and so he doesn’t see the point to do it often

his sweat isn’t actually toxic ( mostly bc I do NOT want to deal with all the problems having toxic sweat would cause, but there is more to it that I’ll write in depth of another day when I’m less lazy )

His volume is one of the few ways he feels like he can be heard. His mother is also a very loud person, and growing up he would be stuck in situations where if he doesn’t yell LOUDER, he won’t be heard. If he is WILLINGLY quiet around you, that is a sign of trust, a sign that he’s comfortable enough to not feel the need to be loud.

he cannot stand his mouth being covered, nor does he take well to being told to keep quiet. He GETS that not many people appreciate his loudness. He KNOWS there is always time and place. But being loud is a defensive mechanism, and it being taken away against his will just messes with him a lot.

speaking of, a large part of why he got the ‘i dont give a fuck about anyone else’ attitude is because no one would really care about him. It wasn’t just because he had a big head. He was acutely aware that people around him would praise him and rise him up, but never actually listen to him or cared what he wants. Why should he care about other people if no one gave a fuck about him? ( he knows better now )

he’s cautious about giving villains second chances. it’s not like he’s against giving villains a chance at redemption ( he knows he’d be a fucking hypocrite if he was ) but he also is realistic, and knows that some people are just shitheads and will refuse to change no matter what. knows that some people will take advantage of people with bleeding hearts ( cOUGHS like dEKU’s COUGHS ) and so he’s just. very wary and distrusting. he’ll give you a chance, but he’s going to watch you during it.

if the ranking system of heroes gets abolished, it won’t really affect Katsuki’s goals. from the start when he says ‘number one hero’ what he cares most about is being number one by HIS standards. ofc he was planning to get ranked number one too, but if such a system falls apart, he’d just make sure he becomes the Best till no one can argue against it either way

katsuki has always used his quirk often. he hates rules regulating quirk use because it’s so stupid to him. how the hell was he going to become number one if he didn’t know how to use his own damn quirk? ofc he still tried to abide by the law well enough, in public refraining for the most part ( but his middle school very obviously was super lacking in discipline so he just didn’t bother hiding his usage of quirk there )

his quirk acts up when he has high emotion — but MOST of the time, that is less him losing control and more of a conscious decision on his part. resisting the urge to explode when his body is aching to is dangerous, so it’s better to let loose small, controlled, explosions when the time comes. He works hard to keep control of his quirk, he knows when it’s best to just let explosions loose and when he can hold it in

even without explosions he has a habit of his fingers twisting or fist clenching when he’s high strung. restricting his hands in any way, esp during these times, are an absolute no for him. he WILL react violently if you take away his only method of physically defending himself.

the reason why he NEEDS to be able to defend himself at all times comes from his lack of trust. He doesn’t WANT to rely on other people, because they could mess up so it’s just better to do it himself. so if people try and stop him from doing it himself.... just nope.

he’s so so so SO bad at accepting compliments. he’s used to empty meaningless compliments, praise for things he didn’t even earn, so getting actual compliments that are WORTH something. it’s. a lot. he doesn’t know how to properly handle it yet so his first reaction is to reject it somehow ( either by telling the person they are being an idiot, or finding fault in the compliment itself, or something along those lines )

he has a base respect for pro heroes in general, because he understands that they have experience he is obviously lacking being a student. but he won’t be blinded by their status. if they fuck up, they fuck up and no ‘hero’ status will keep him from recognizing that

he doesn’t actually hate quirkless people. he never really has. he had a problem with DEKU, but not exactly quirkless people in general. he started calling Izuku as “Deku” before he knew that he would never get a quirk. He called him ‘deku’ because izuku would fail at bouncing a ball or skipping stones and such ( back then, almost ALL people were ‘useless’ to him, not just quirkless people aoweinaoweianwe )

he as sharp teeth. not enough to be called fangs or anything, but they are definitely sharper than average ( he’s a little gremlin so I must give him sharp teeth )

he’s still struggling to ask for help. he can easily admit that he needs backup when it comes to hero works — knows that teamwork is essential at times and saving and BEING saved in turn is how being a hero is. BUT for PERSONAL things? Outside of being a hero? As a person??? He doesn’t know HOW to ask for help with that.

He’s ALWAYS been super independent. so people just. expect him to be fine on his own. HE himself expected to be fine on his own. But by the time he realized wait no, I’m not fine. People stopped trying to check up on him. ( until U.A., but then old habits die hard. but he’s learning )

he tends to shower at night more than in the mornings, because he often works out not too long before bed. he also just takes more than one shower a day if needed ofc he takes hygiene seriously

he HATES when he can’t get a full night’s sleep. And sadly ever since getting kidnapped it’s been happening more and more often. he’s unused to functioning without a full eight or nine hours, so he gets cranky all day and feels fucking awful. He used to hate naps, felt like a waste of his day, but they’ve become a bit of a necessity with how shit his sleeping pattern has become. ( plus jordyn’s shoto has shown him the wonders of napping aowienawe )

he doesn’t take long to get ready in the morning. even if he needs to dress differently for an occasion or anything, he doesn’t spend long trying to decide what to wear

his quirk isn’t affected by rain or water like people would expect, but it’s fucking COLD so he still hates getting wet

he’s really good at fighting even without his quirk. he absolutely has thought of situations where he couldn’t use his quirk to full capacity, and so he decided he needed to kick ass even without it

he’s really level-headed in battle!!! despite how he acts, he ALWAYS considers all options and acts on the best one. He just thinks really fast and acts the way he does so it SEEMS like he’s charging in without thinking ahead. That being said, he used to often underestimate his opponents so he’d sometimes make the wrong call. He’s getting MUCH better at not doing that lately tho

he doesn’t really celebrate his own birthday. he gets well wishes from his family, often they’d get a cake maybe, but he doesn’t really WANT or NEED presents, so he had his parents stop trying to gift him things years ago. His birthday is SUPER close to the beginning of the year, so it is often times overlooked by his peers too, but he doesn’t care

Katsuki is demisexual!! He can recognize when people are traditionally attractive, but he doesn’t really fucking care and isn’t attracted TO them. It’s only once they’ve become someone he actually CARES about could he then develop any feelings beyond platonic ones ( no love at first sight here )

he’d NEVER pick up smoking, and even when of age he’d very rarely drink. He wouldn’t want his health to deteriorate by stuff like that. And he wouldn’t want his ability to think be hindered by alcohol

he doesn’t like lying unless for good reason ( like hiding ofa ) but he doesn’t see lying by omission as the same. To him, that’s just him deciding it’s no one’s business and so there’s no need for him to admit to anything

people have tried to bully him as a kid. we’ve seen him chase off older kids in canon before. It wasn’t just a one time thing. It was pretty constant, actually. Other kids, usually those older than him, would hear about him and his attitude and try and ‘put him in his place’ It’s not like he was very popular as a kid, it’s just that Katsuki always WON any fights so no one could actually do anything to him

his nicknames, for the most part, aren’t actually meant to be insulting. Besides like Deku, and when he called Todoroki “holding back bastard”, the rest are just,,, descriptions in his mind aowienAWE ThEY ARE RUDE AF but he doesn’t actually seek out the rudest name he can think of to call people. It’s just whatever comes to mind first

he doesn’t actually mind when people call him out on his shit anymore. he’d in fact admit that they have guts to do so. If they try and call him out on BULLSHIT though, then he’d get angry bc they are just wasting his goddamn time.

he KNOWS when his classmates are purposefully manipulating him to doing something by phrasing it as a challenge. It’s just he doesn’t give a shit, he’ll rise to the challenge anyways and prove them all WRONG.

If he really doesn’t wanna do something, there’s absolutely nothing that could get him to do it

his way of SHOWING that he cares is through actions and gifts. Doing things for people ( studying, cooking, etc ) that he cares about comes naturally to him

On the contrary, he struggles to process it when people try and show that they care the same way. He doesn’t like getting gifts, and he rather do the things he needs to himself??? The easiest way he can understand people showing that they care is through quality time. If you are willing to spend time with him, seek him out? He can get that means you WANT to. ( if this is proven wrong it’d shake his entire acceptance in that person. he’d struggle to believe that they care for him at all in any way after )

once you broke his trust, it’s impossible to gain it back. he DOESNT trust easily. he takes so many careful measures to prevent himself from trusting the wrong person. if he gave you his trust you better fucking treasure it, because it’s only given out once. That being said, there are different levels of trust that katsuki gives out — as seen on his relationship page. Level two trust is when it starts getting serious. If you have that, that’s when if broken it’s unfixable. Level one trust is a toss up if broken, very dependent on situation

soft smiles are hard to come by from katsuki! We’ve all seen his confident grins in the face of danger all the time — he smiles a lot during challenges and battle!! But soft ones? Full of fondness and love? They are pretty rare. And even when they DO happen, often it’s only when no one can see

His EYES are actually what turns soft first!! You have a better chance catching his eyes and eyebrows turn a bit less aggressive, but again they aren’t exactly common per say. He doesn’t like showing such expression unless he feels like attention is off him. ( he just. isn’t USED to expressing himself this way. so he doesn’t really like when people draw attention to when he does. because it makes him feel like he did something wrong, in a way )

it’s actually easy to make katsuki flustered and embarrassed. he’S not uSED to it so he’s weak let him live aowieNAWE his ears are the first to turn red!!! but if you really get him embarrassed he does go completely red sorry kats

he does all of his homework well in advance. he hates leaving ANYTHING to the last minute, really

he’s done modeling work as a kid. sometimes he still does, but very rarely. He doesn’t exactly hate doing it, but he just isn’t the least bit interested so he rather spend his time doing something else. When he does do it, you bet he takes it 100% seriously.

he won’t argue if someone calls him a shit person. he knows that he is, and he refuses to deny that. what DOES piss him off though is when people solely focus on how shit of a person he is to the extend of disregarding the perfect results he gives. He’s a shit person, but he’s still the BEST and fuck anyone who says otherwise.

he also knows that he is changing, because it’s a conscious effort on his part TO change. But that’s also the thing. He’s working hard to not be shitty ALL the time, but that doesn’t change the fact that at his core, he’s still not a NICE person. he’s acutely aware that the things he struggles so much with, comes so easy to other people. He wont let this STOP him , he’s never called it quits before just because something was difficult for him, but it still sucks. knowing just how much effort he’s putting into this when some people barely think about it at all

katsuki was well versed in medical knowledge even before U.A. Not because he was thinking about how heroes may need to give emergency care on the field, but just from his own injuries during self training. he needed to know how to treat them properly so it doesn’t cause him problems in the future

katsuki runs hot, but he gets cold easily. Because he’s used to keeping himself running at high temperatures, his concept of cold is different than most other’s. Suddenly being in like sixty five degrees Fahrenheit feels COLD to him

intended use for furniture are only suggestions. That means yes, he WILL sit on top of desks and counters, stand on top of chairs, and put his feet on the bed while he lays on the floor if he so goddamn chooses.

no matter how close with a person he is, he’ll eventually need time alone and his personal space left untouched. It takes a lot to get to the point where physical touch is something he’d allow, ( having both touch starvation and touch aversion in equal parts ) but even with people he is completely comfortable with, sometimes it still gets to be TOO mUCH and he needs to step back. he has bad days, too. where just a brush of contact would set him off and he can’t understand himself why it happens. all he knows is that he really hates those days.

it still stings, the knowledge that All Might never even considered him for a possible successor. he was RIGHT THERE when all might picked izuku, after all. and all might can say all he wants about how ‘he was already powerful, he wanted to give midoriya a fighting chance’ or whatever. he knows he was never a contender. it’s not that he WANTS ofa though. he is perfectly happy with his quirk. It’s not even that it’s deku who ended up getting it, he in retrospect is glad deku can fight him now. It’s just. in the end, he’s always always lacking something. it just fuels to his belief of never being good enough when it counts. because HE is NEVER anyone’s first choice to be the up and coming number one. He’s GOING to be. He’ll prove EVERYONE wrong. But, it sure would be nice. Someone else believing in him, too.

#this was fun!!! ty bnharpchub for the challenge!!!#i did my best #some of these imma want to expand on at a later date #and there are two big hcs that i didn't put on here bc it would just take up too much space aweOAIWNE #and yes i am saying that while fully aware some of these have like six plus lines AOWIENAWE #·∴∵✷ [ HEADCANONS ]

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turnabout4what · 4 years ago

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You used to be diagnosed with ADHD, but then got diagnosed with autism, right? Aside from needing a lot of time to recharge after social stuff, can I ask what kinds of things tipped you off as to the difference? My psychiatrist is looking at an ASD diagnosis for me after years of being labeled ADHD... and I don’t really know what to think. If this is too personal feel free to ignore it!

I’m still diagnosed with ADD, but I’m strongly suspected of having autism. I haven’t been able to pursue a diagnosis because of COVID, but I’ve been in therapy for both. Before I answer your question, I’m going to go over the overlap between ASD and ADD, because you can work on these things regardless of the diagnosis. It’s very stressful to not have a clear idea of what you’re “supposed” to be experiencing!

1. RSD, or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Do you feel physical pain whenever a stranger on the internet implies you’re a bad person? You may have this common symptom of ASD and ADD.

2. Difficulties with executive functioning. Lots of people have trouble motivating themselves to do things, but ADD and ASD make it even harder!

3. Emotional regulation. You may become angry or anxious very easily, and you may be oversensitive. This often comes with impulsivity, especially in ADD.

4. Hyperfocusing. Do you ever start cleaning your room and then find yourself unable to stop? This frequently is accompanied by forgetting to eat. Generally, this happens with things that you enjoy doing, but when I’m stressed, it often involves cleaning.

5. Being prone to addiction. This can be drugs, or it can be video games or any number of things that give you a boost of dopamine. Additionally, you may get short-term obsessions. Watching a TV show may be incredibly stressful unless you can binge the entire thing in one weekend.

6. Not being able to make and keep friends in elementary school. I was great at making friends, but I could never keep them. Combined with RSD, this was devastating.

7. A lack of focus on work and school. Notably, if you also have anxiety, you may still be able to pull off good grades by using your anxiety to rein in your focus. I was once told by a psychiatrist who sat down with me for only ten minutes that kids with executive dysfunction couldn’t have a 4.0 GPA and that he didn’t believe I had trouble focusing. Two appointments later, he apologized and officially diagosed me with ADD. There’s a reason I don’t totally trust his diagnosis. I do find it interesting and relieving that your psychiatrist is looking at an ASD diagnosis; a lot of psychiatrists don’t consider that a possibility if you weren’t diagnosed in early childhood.

8. Forgetting deadlines, leaving things you needed at home, and generally being an organizational disaster by neurotypical standards. My third grade teacher gave me the “tornado award” in front of the entire class to publicly shame me for how messy my desk was.

Now, to answer your question, here are the things that stood out as being indicators of me having ASD:

1. ASD runs in my family. My dad didn’t speak until the age of 6, and my younger brother was diagnosed as autistic when he was about two years old.

2. I have a sensory disorder that frequently interferes with my everyday life. I’m the type who can’t be inside of a candle store for more than 10 minutes because the smells are too overwhelming. At homecoming and prom, I could be found as far away from the speakers as possible, wishing the evening would end and we could all go home. Interestingly, my issue isn’t with volume, but with how unfamiliar a sound is—I went to a TOP concert with intense earplugs in. For the opening band, I got so sick that I went to the bathroom and curled up in a ball with my hands over my ears. But when TOP started playing, I was able to take my earplugs out and I felt perfectly fine. Notably, I know every lyric to every TOP song on Spotify, and I’d never heard the opening band before.

3. People who are AFAB and high intelligence frequently don’t show the standard signs of ASD due to how we’re socialized as infants. If you’ve ever stood in a mirror and practiced making facial expressions and hand gestures, it’s a sign you intellectually learned how to act neurotypical. Most people pick up on that intuitively.

4. I only recently discovered that when someone asks, “How are you?” you’re supposed to ask them that question back. I always hated when people asked me that, since I was expected to say that I was doing well, so I never returned it. I didn’t realize that was rude. I still occasionally find things that are considered basic communication that I never realized.

5. My dad was physically abused as a child whenever he showed symptoms of ASD, and unfortunately that meant my younger brother and I were verbally abused any time we stimmed, talked about our special interests, or reacted strongly to sensory stimuli. Because of this, I didn’t indulge my childhood special interest until I was well into college: insects. As soon as I started taking classes about insects, I occasionally scared classmates and even professors! I’m normally a soft and smiley person, but when I’m hyperfocused on something that really interests me, I fall into a certain state that my friends have described as “intense.”

6. Stimulant ADD medications like Adderall and Vyvanse did not work for me. They made me more anxious and didn’t improve my focus well. You know what did work? Wellbutrin. My doctor actually just upped my Wellbutrin dose and I feel incredible

This was extremely long, but hopefully helpful! Note that all of the problems I’ve had with my ASD or ADD came from surrounding myself with people who never tried to understand me. Now I have friends who plan events with my sensory sensitivities in mind, who point out my mistakes without making me feel rejected, and who are excited to see me even when I’m 15 minutes late… again. Neither diagnosis means there’s something wrong with you. It just means people have to put in a little extra work to understand you, and I promise you’ll find people who know you’re worth that extra work.

Best wishes, anon!

#long post #add #asd

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luvknow · 5 years ago

Text

entangled | kim seungmin

genre: spider-man!seungmin x radio dj!reader feat. 3racha & kim woojin | spider-man au ; radio dj au ; college au ; friends-to-lovers summary: you hate spiders and you hate man and the gods above blessed you with spider-man. wc: 17.3k

It was 10:00 pm on a Wednesday - just after your weekly broadcast of the college town’s beloved radio show, Moonlight Radio. You’re backed up in the corner farthest from the door and it seems there’s no way for you to escape your current situation. With your hands shaking, goosebumps crawling over every inch of your skin, and having absolutely no weapon to save yourself, you thought about how your plants were going to die now that you were one hundred percent certain that you, too, were going to perish.

“Hey, ready to go -?” Seungmin entered the studio, raising a curious brow at your jittery form on the opposite side of the room. As his co-host and close friend, of course he knows you quite well and he knew you were a bit, um, unique but this was beyond his scope of knowledge filed under your name in his mental filing cabinet.

“What the heck are you doing?” he asked.

“S-Spider,” you stuttered, shakily pointing in a direction that lead him to nowhere.

“Another one? That’s like the fifth one this week. Where?”

“N-Near this mic stand.”

“Really? They keep getting closer to you... Maybe they like you ~”

Your glossy eyes glared at the playful brunette. “I hope it bites you when you kill it.”

“Well, I’m not going to kill it, so either way you lose.”

“You’re such a spider sympathizer.”

“Hey, spiders play a vital role in our ecosystem! They’re excellent at regulating insect populations. Would you rather have an overpopulation of mosquitoes and other bugs that can fly and easily jump on your face?”

“No…”

“Ok then, let me do my good deed for the day and set this little guy free.”

Seungmin took one of your script papers that sat next to the eight-legged demon and scooped it up without a problem. It was moments like these when you thought he was the bravest boy you’ve ever met and you hated how often those moments came because one day, without thinking, you’d slip up and say it out loud. He cracked one of the windows open and gently shook the spider free from the paper.

“Can spiders survive a ten-story drop like that?” you asked once the waves of relief calmed your body, mind, and soul.

“I’ve seen a few that have,” he answered simply. “Now are you ready to go? I’m starving.”

“Yeah, let me get my stuff. Where are we going?”

“Where do you think?”

“Five-star restaurant where the bathrooms have those people that hand you a towel after washing your hands and you should tip them out of courtesy.”

“How about a five-piece fried chicken meal with a grumpy Woojin who demands a 25 percent tip?”

“Not quite as luxurious, but seeing Woojin makes up for that. Lead the way, my trusty steed!”

“I should be the knight riding the steed after saving you from spiders all the time, not the steed itself!”

“Same difference.”

Wednesdays followed a very strict schedule: your morning routine, classes until late afternoon, studying and a snack, meet up with Seungmin to go over the script and listen to what music he and the boys picked out, run through the show, and finally end the night with a super late dinner at the chicken place Woojin worked at. Sometimes you and Seungmin would spice it up and eat somewhere with vegetables, but that was only when consecutive Wednesdays at Woojin’s Work made you both feel gross. Even though you were in the last stretch of college and your courses were piling on the difficulty and workload, the weeks were bearable when it was spent in the studio with Seungmin and the town listening in for a couple of hours.

The idea of co-hosting a radio show together sounded ridiculous when him, Chan, Changbin, and Jisung first proposed it to you. The show was already super successful without you, so what was the point? What would three up-and-coming producers and Seungmin with his superstar personality want with someone like you? You had no idea how to work a Launchpad or whatever applications they used to make music. Hyunjin was already in charge of the social media aspect and Jeongin took care of the website and design stuff. Their team was pretty much complete and ready to go on-air - really, you’d just be taking up space.

“Don’t think of it like that,” Seungmin reassured that night. “You’d be like a co-host!”

“Wouldn’t you three be the co-hosts?” you asked the oh-so internet famous 3RACHA.

“I’d love to, but I already have a ton on my plate,” Chan sighed. “It’d be too much for me to handle.”

“I don’t like doing that corny radio talk,” Changbin wrinkled his nose.

“I just didn’t wanna do it,” Jisung admitted shamelessly.

“Ah, so I’m your last resort?” you teased.

“Yes, but you’re our first last resort ~”

“Well, when you say it that way… What exactly does being a co-host entail?”

Seungmin pulled up the radio show’s website on his laptop that had an unthinkable number in bright red located near the envelope icon. “All the questions in the inbox on our website are overflowing and it’s getting harder for me to answer all of it. It’s hard for me to answer them when we’re on-air, too. And these three aren’t exactly the best when it comes to the more relationship-centric asks… You were the only one I could think of that I could trust handling and answering these properly.”

“Wow, really?”

“Of course! I’d come to you for advice all the time in high school, remember?”

Yes, you remembered Seungmin would come to you now and again ask for advice on college, or dating, or even what he should have for dinner, but you never thought much of it until now. To have him ask you to handle such a heavy role on a radio show all because he treasured those late-night phone calls with you made your heart do that weird fluttery thing you didn’t dare try to decipher.

Curse Seungmin and his weird poetic way with words… Who allowed him to read fiction after high school?

“Is that the reason why you asked me?” Clearly, your cheeks were blushing only because the sun was shining brightly on the Quad and not because you were flattered he asked you first.

“I truly can’t think of another person who would be more capable of this job than you,” he told you sincerely.

“So will you join our shit show?” Changbin begged with his big, puppy eyes. Now how could you refuse after that?

“Fine, but the second I get hate mail, I’m tapping out.”

“Deal. We’ll make sure that doesn’t happen.”

Surprisingly, it didn’t happen, at least not in the past six months since you’ve joined the show. The audience welcomed you with open arms the second they heard you answer their questions with such honesty and care. There were some questions that you’d struggle with, like very boy-specific questions that only a dude could answer, so Seungmin took care of those. But together, you and Seungmin were an unstoppable duo with great chemistry and everyone could hear it in the way you’d giggle at his lame jokes or the way he’d ‘wow ~’ at one of your more profound answers.

The only questions you both struggled answering were ones that delved into either of your love lives. You both would get tripped up just a little bit when asked if either of you were seeing someone or were interested in someone, but the questions that had you both stuttering like the air was below freezing to the point that no coherent sentences were being formed?

“Are you two dating?”

“Have you two ever thought about it before?”

“You guys fit the friends-to-lovers trope so perfectly!”

“N-No, that’s not how it is at all…!” you argued to the callers after the millionth time. No matter how many times you’d get asked this, you don’t think you’ll ever overcome the embarrassment. “We’re just really good friends!”

“I don’t know, _____, maybe we should face the inevitable,” a flirty Seungmin winked.

“Seungmin!” you hissed while a giggling 3RACHA fell out of their chairs. Well, he clearly got over the embarrassment...

Almost every show, the chatroom and inbox had sprinkles of comments about how cute you two would be if you ever got together. Because you see those same sentences nearly every single time you opened up the inbox, the thought of it was hard to ignore and push to the back of your mind.

What would it be like if you two actually dated?

“Yo, _____ ~” Seungmin sang across from you at the table.

“Huh?”

“Spider got ya that spooked?”

“Nah, I’m ok now. Thanks to my hero.”

“That’s right, I am your hero,” he boasted proudly. “But really, is there something on your mind? You seem a bit spacey-er than usual.”

“It’s nothing bad. I was just reminiscing about my up-and-coming on the show for some reason.”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, you’ve improved a lot since then.”

“You think so? I feel like I haven’t done much… Like I haven’t made an impact yet.”

“You’re crazy! The show wouldn’t be where it is now without you. You know, Minho did the math for fun last week -”

“Ha!”

“... and calculated how much more often people are sending stuff in since the day you joined, and he said it’s increased by like 100 percent since then!”

“That’s just double, isn’t it…?”

“Yeah, but a bigger number sounds better, so that’s what we tell the department heads when they ask. So don’t think you haven’t left an impact on this show - it wouldn’t be the same without you.”

Really, when was he so poetic!? It was a dangerous trait. “Thanks, Seungmin. I wouldn’t be as confident if you weren’t my co-host.”

“I’m sure you would have done just fine if it were Changbin or anyone else.”

“Maybe so, but it wouldn’t be as fun or memorable.”

“Stop being so soft and order your chicken.” He was terrible at faking being grumpy because his cheeky smile shined brightly anyways.

“Hey, moochers,” a tired Woojin greeted before falling in the seat next to Seungmin. “The usual?”

“You know it.”

“Ok, let me just sit here for a couple minutes.”

“Go do your job!”

“Hey, while you guys get to sit on nice comfy chairs in the studio for a couple of hours, I have to stand for six while waiting on people!’

“It’s not even that busy today!” Seungmin was right - you two and another couple were the only ones in the restaurant at the moment.

“It was busy earlier, ok.”

“Earlier today around 5:00 pm, during the city’s busiest hours, Spider-Man has yet again saved a citizen from tragedy -”

“Ugh,” you shuddered in disgust at the sight of the famous vigilante popping up on the screen.

Seungmin tried not to look too offended. He’s known your incessant fear of spiders for how long now? And he’s been Spider-Man for what, a hot minute? And he had no idea you felt this strongly about him? He’s not that surprised, but at the same time he is because it’s not like Spider-Man was a real spider… His suit didn’t even really resemble one! Maybe it was the big, buggy eyes that haunted you. He’d have to consult with Woojin about that later.

“You don’t like Spider-Man…?” he dared to ask.

“Not really. He has spider in his name, for Christ’s sake. Doesn’t he know how common arachnophobia is? How is he supposed to save the town when a hefty chunk of citizens are probably scared of him!?”

“But he doesn’t even look like a spider?”

“He doesn’t need to when he has a huge black one on his chest.”

He’ll consult Woojin about that, too. “So if you were in danger - like, backed up against an alley with a gun pointed at your head, or something - and Spider-Man swooped down, scooped you up, and jumped far away from the gunman using his web, you’d be more scared of Spider-Man than the bad guy?”

“Of course! I hate heights, too, remember? A man dressed like a spider capturing me in their arms and swinging from skyscraper-to-skyscraper is literally my biggest fear.”

If that was really how you felt about Spider-Man, then Seungmin prayed you would stay out of trouble. He couldn’t even imagine how loud you’d scream if he ever saved you from a situation you got yourself stuck in, not to mention how hard it would be to not tease you about it face-to-face. But knowing you and knowing his terrible luck, one of these days he was going to have to save you from God-knows-what. The only possible situation he could think of was you getting stuck high up on the fire escape, or something stupid like that.

Up on the television, the city’s hero was recorded swinging down using his web thingies like some man spider hybrid pendulum kicking one of the several armed robbers right in the chin. With the second robber, he used his weird webby thing again, but this time used one hand to aim it at his gun and yanked it away from him while using the other hand to trap him between the webs and concrete floor. The other robbers tried to run away, but not before Man-Spider-Dude flung himself forward like some alternate universe Tarzan and used his webbing to cuff their limbs together.

“See, that was kind of cool, wasn’t it?” Seungmin asked, hoping the reporters recorded him cool enough for you to change your mind.

“Eh. Kind of showy, if you ask me.”

Just as you said that, you had to suffer through witnessing Spider-Man finger-gun at the phone camera and salute the citizens of the town before swinging deep into the concrete jungle once more. Was that necessary? Sheesh, what a dramatic exit.

Your co-host watched you roll your eyes at his showboating and turn your attention back on the totally normal boys. Beside him, a snickering Woojin teasingly nudged him with his elbow. He wasn’t that cringey, was he!?

“Well, he saved some innocent people and a lot of money, at least,” Seungmin frowned, so desperately trying to redeem himself.

“That’s really the only upside to superhero-wannabe vigilantes. Otherwise, they’re totally cocky. They’re like a bunch of frat bros.”

Woojin audibly laughed at that one and that’s when Seungmin knew there was no hope in trying to persuade you… But Kims never backed down! That’s what made him and Woojin so unstoppable!

So it couldn’t hurt to try anyways, right?

On a warm and early Sunday evening, when the night was still young, the sun fell between golden hour and dusk. This was when walking home was a pain in the ass because the rays would hit building windows at all the right angles and attempt to burn your retinas. Even so, you couldn’t be mad in the least, because the paper bag filled with crispy french fries cradled in your arms was going to be inhaled in just a couple of blocks once you reached home.

It was beautiful nights like tonight where you felt a little lonely. Yes, living and being alone was calming after a stressful week at school and your social meter was at an all time low, but sometimes you just wanted to share a night in with someone special. You first tried to hang out with Seungmin to avoid the pressure of actually finding a significant other, but when he told you that his internship scheduled him at ungodly hours, including Sundays, you now had to find someone to take his place if you ever wanted to.

Kim Seungmin… your co-host, confidant, and the only boy you wanted to spend your Sundays with. What did that say about you? Were you desperate? Missing him? A typical friends-to-lovers trope, as your audience had put it? You’d worry about that later.

The sun wasn’t so blinding anymore when a shadowed figure blocked the light. Before you could make sense of who or what the figure was, you were promptly knocked down by said thing onto the very hard, very cold sidewalk.

Ginormous, white bug eyes with no pupils stared deep into your frightened soul. Spider-Man, dressed in all his spandex glory, scuffed up and a little disheveled, hovered over your heavily breathing form. From behind the mask, Seungmin froze when he realized that yes, this was definitely you he had knocked down and he couldn’t tell if you were terrified, surprised, furious, or all of the above. He felt so bad that he almost gave you a heart attack, but he had to admit you looked kind of cute looking at him with your big, curious eyes like you wanted to swat him off of you with an over-sized fly swatter. He had to hold back wanting to brush your hair that stuck to your face.

What a coincidence for him to have run into you, huh? It must have been fate, or just really bad karma on your end.

“Hi,” Spider-Man greeted you casually, his face hovering very close to your own. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?”

“N-N-No…!”

“Good. Hurting citizens is kind of against my mission.”

“He went this way!” you both heard off in the distance.

Spider-Man groaned loudly before hopping off of you and extending a hand to help you up. Before you could verbally reject, your body was already moving before you knew it and you took his hand graciously.

He leaned in closely and you hoped his spidey sense couldn’t detect the goosebumps erupting all over your skin.

“If those journalists ask, you didn’t see me,” You could only nod silently. “Thanks. I owe you one.”

In a blink of an eye, the town’s hero shot his web to some random building and flew away, but not before giving you a little salute. The last two minutes didn’t seem real - had you really just met Spider-Man? Well, more like did Spider-Man really just knock you flat on your ass? You were standing in your spot not moving a single muscle as the entire block took pictures and videos of your wide-eyed face staring blankly at where the hero you feared most once stood. A swarm of journalists turned the corner and following the audience’s attention, going straight to you.

“Did Spider-Man fly through here?” one of them asked frantically.

Mindlessly, without blinking, you pointed in the opposite direction he flew to and that’s when you watched the parasitic flock search for the town’s hero.

From up above on a rooftop of a corporate building not too far away, Seungmin watched you keep your word about not revealing his location like he asked, despite your fear of both spiders and man. Did he scare you even more? Or maybe you were just being nice. Either way, something about you protecting his location was kind of adorable… like you might kind of like his other self now.

Oh, but that wasn’t the case at all.

“My french fries!” you cried out to the Gods above.

Every single french fry you were dying to devour from the paper bag scattered in an artistic gradient behind your shadow, with fat pigeons picking at what once was yours. Seungmin sighed tiredly, watching you sadly walk away from the kit of pigeons. His wishful thinking barely lasted a second and now not only did he owe you ‘one’ of something, he now owes you a bag of french fries, too. Maybe if he got the extra large size, you’d hate him a little less.

Your fear of Spider-Man because he had ‘spider’ in his name and a silhouette embroidered on his suit? Nonexistent. Hatred for Spider-Man because he was clumsy, insensitive, and most definitely A Man? Absolutely.

‘I owe you one,’ was what he told you last, and you’d make sure that he’d owe you one big time.

You spent the entire walk home trying to process if what just happened actually happened. Let’s rewind and review: you were studying at the library until you got too tired and too hungry to care anymore; got the freshest, crispiest bag of french fries you could find; happily made your way home; got the shit knocked out of you by Spider-Man; and now you were walking home french fry-less. It sounds like a poorly-written fan fiction, but yup, that’s truly what happened and there was no denying it

The night was no longer young or beautiful now that you didn’t have a bag full of golden, crispy deliciousness. It was miserable.

Seungmin, while still in his suit and hiding in a random alley from the journalists, felt his phone buzz that was tucked away inside of the suit. After taking it out, he was too afraid to answer once he saw your photo glow up the screen. The picture was from your eighteenth birthday, your last birthday before you both entered college. Seungmin booked a reservation at this fancy restaurant that you two would promise one day, when you both had money, that you’d dine there like it was no one’s business. Little did you know, he planned a small get together with a handful of friends and ate like kings! When it was time for dessert, Seungmin brought out your favorite cake, sang happy birthday with everyone, then smudged a whole bunch of the cream frosting onto your cheeks and nose. Normally, you’d be mad, but how could you when he planned all of this?

With the dark surroundings and the only thing lighting up your face was the candles, he captured the perfect moment of you laughing and tasting the cake.

After taking off his mask, Seungmin answered awkwardly. “Hello?”

“Guess what the fuck just happened to me!?”

“You saw a spider?”

“Worse! I saw that no good Spider-Man!”

Seungmin could only pout at your response. “Why do you sound so bitter?”

“That asshat swung down like a vulture and landed on top of me!”

“Sounds like a dream come true, if you ask me.”

“No, because that clumsy, pompous vigilante made me drop all of my french fries from my favorite place!”

Although you were complaining to Spider-Man about Spider-Man, said Spider-Man always thought your whining was adorable. “The place next to the bakery?”

“The very same! Ugh, I just wanted to call you to complain.”

“Seems like that’s all I’m good for these days.”

“Hey, that’s not the only reason I call you.”

“Besides discussing the show, for what other reasons do you call me?”

“I…” In retrospect, maybe he had a point - when was the last time you asked your dearest friend how he was doing? “Seungmin, my favorite friend, how have you been lately?”

“Uh-huh.”

“I’m sorry. I promise to call and not complain to you more often.”

“Thank you. And to answer your question. I’ve been ok.”

“Just ok? Do you wanna talk about it?”

Did he want to talk about how Spider-Man, the show, school, and how his lack of love-life was consuming his entire life to his closest friend? Not really. “Maybe another time. Are you free to hang out, though? I could use some company.”

“For you, of course. At what time?”

“Hm…” Seungmin took a quick second to listen to his surroundings. It seemed that the reporters and passers-by stopped looking for him by now, so maybe he was in the clear. “I can be at your place in half an hour?”

“Sounds good, I’ll be waiting. Can we get food? I’m hungry ~”

“Sure thing. I’ll see you soon.”

After hanging up, Seungmin dared to put his mask back on and swing as fast as he could all the way back to his apartment. It was unavoidable that a couple citizens were able to sneak in a few pictures as he was swinging, but as long as they didn’t see him land on his apartment complex rooftop and run inside, he was in the clear. After changing, there was one stop he had to make before heading over.

You waited patiently for your boredom-saving, famished-fulfilling hero to arrive at your doorstep. It’s true that neither of you had the time to hang out outside of planning the show. Other than that, there was not enough time in the day throughout the school week to see each other. With your classes piling up and his internship, neither of you could match up your schedules or make enough time to grab some dinner. At least tonight would make up for lost time.

You happily greeted a sneaky Seungmin when you heard him knocking. He was holding something behind his back and had his creepy, mischievous smile on his lips.

“What are you hiding…?” you hesitated.

Without a word, he pulled out an extra big paper bag full of french fries from your favorite restaurant - the very same french fries Spider-Man had knocked out of your hands. Only this time, there were more and it came with a handsome boy on the side.

Seungmin adored the way your eyes lit up at his little gift.

“You didn’t!” you gasped, clutching your heart to your chest.

“Do you love me or do you love me?”

“I love you ~!” you sang, welcoming your beloved guest into your humble abode. “Ah, what did I do to deserve you, Kim Seungmin?”

You didn’t do anything. You already had him wrapped around your finger the moment you two met.

Another Wednesday had arrived and that meant another show was to air. Tonight, the moon was so full that even at the darkest hour, the town was still brightly lit. It was the perfect night for Moonlight Radio.

“And we’re back!” you cheered happily into the microphone. “For those of you just joining in, you are listening to Moonlight Radio with me, _____, my partner in crime Seungmin, and our city’s version of Migos, Djs 3RACHA ~!”

“Our city’s version of Migos…?” Seungmin asked, quirking a brow.

“Yeah, you know… The American rappers?”

“I know who they are, but what makes them like the Migos in any way?”

“There’s three of them and they rap, what else is there to compare?”

“Multi-platinum album sales.”

“They’ll get there someday.”

“At least someone believes in us,” Jisung pouted.

“Speaking of beliefs, you guys wouldn’t believe who _____ ran into last Sunday.”

You squint your eyes at your smirking co-host. “The listeners don’t need to know.”

“Of course they do! Who doesn’t want to brag about meeting Spider-Man?”

“I didn’t even meet him, he body-slammed into me!”

“Ah, you’re just being dramatic. What do you guys think?” But in his mind, Seungmin knew you were totally not being dramatic. Was your body still a little sore from that night, too?

The phone lines were lighting up at the mention of the oh-so famous and widely-beloved superhero. Now you had to spend the remaining half of the show talking about how you met the hybrid of your two worst fears.

“Caller on line nine, you are on-air,” Seungmin answered.

“Holy shit, did you really meet Spider-Man?”

You sighed heavily into your mic. “If that’s what you call meeting someone these days, then I guess I met Spider-Man.”

“Whoa, that’s so dope! What’s he like?”

“He’s… charming… I’ll give him that.”

Seungmin’s ears perked up, his ego already escalating into the clouds before he could stop it. You, the first person he’s ever met to admit that they don’t like his alter-ego aloud, thought he was charming? You should have said so earlier!

“Really?” he asked.

“Yeah, I guess. He was like, ‘I didn’t hurt you, did I?’ and I was like, ‘No?’ and he was all like, ‘Good, ‘cuz hurting citizens isn’t in my agenda’ or something corny like that. I guess it comes with the whole superhero package.”

Hey, that was not corny… “He sounds like a pretty cool guy.”

“Yeah, until he made me catapult my french fries behind me.”

“Is that literally the only reason why you don’t like him?”

“No, it’s mainly because I hate spiders. But also yes, because he said he owes me one for chasing away those pesky journalists that were hunting him down. Spider-Man, if you’re out there listening, this is my reminder to you that I’ll be waiting on my ‘one’ that you owe.”

Oh, great. Seungmin thought that if there was anyone he wouldn’t have to see again as Spider-Man, he thought it’d be you, but now you were actually waiting for him to find you! And for what, because he ‘owed’ you something? Although those journalists were annoying and he was very thankful you got them off his back... But what exactly were you expecting from him? What were you thinking he owed you?

Seeing you for a second time posed some high risks. You’re not dumb, and Seungmin knows that. If he were to slip up and give away his identity in some form just once during his interactions with you, you’d figure him out in an instant! But this was kind of exciting, wasn’t it? You not knowing it’s him behind the red suit, scaring you a little, pretending he doesn’t know who you are - it was kind of like a game to him. So fine, he’ll give you whatever you want the next time he meets you to satiate his excitement that isn’t fighting crime, but after that, he’ll stay as far away from you as possible.

“No matter where I go, spiders somehow always find me.”

“Isn’t it scary to be around something you fear all the time?”

“It’s absolutely terrifying. I guess it’s time I face my fears of spiders, man, and Spider-Man superheroes alike.”

“You’re so brave. I don’t know how you do it.”

“Hey, I hear that sarcasm,” you scolded at your chuckling partner. “But I hope this encourages you all to do the same one day. Go skydiving, ask out that cute person in your class, try something different from the menu! Whatever your fears may be, Moonlight Radio will always be here to support you. And with that, we bid you goodnight.”

“Stay safe out there, everyone! This is Moonlight Radio, signing off.”

When the glowing red light shut off, both you and Seungmin sighed in relief. This concluded the most stressful point of your week and you could relax a little until next time. Per usual, you and Seungmin were supposed to eat with Woojin at his chicken restaurant, but you noticed how he was packing up his stuff in urgency.

“What are you in a rush for?”

Shit. How was Seungmin supposed to tell you that he had a sixth spidey sense and sensed someone nearby was in big trouble and he had to change into his spandex right away? “Uh, I forgot I have an assignment due at midnight.”

“Aw, so no chicken tonight?”

“I’ll make it up to you next time, I promise.”

Your favorite boy ruffled your hair into a clumpy mess in front of your face. If he were to see the tiny pout on your lips, then there was a chance he’d give up being Spider-Man tonight just to be with you and what kind of hero would he be if he did that? Not a very good one.

He’ll see you later, anyways.

Before you could object, he was already out the door.

“Hi hello, we would like some chicken, too,” a whiny Changbin noted.

At least you’d have some company tonight. Hanging out with Seungmin versus hanging out with 3RACHA had two totally different vibes. One was chill, relaxing, and comforting while the other was loud, exciting, but oh-so tiring. So much so that you had to tap out early, luckily right before the news came on with yet again another segment on Spider-Man.

On the walk home, you wondered what kind of hours he worked. Was he fighting crime right now, at the peak of darkness? He couldn’t have been a nine-to-five kind of man because crime didn’t have an hourly paycheck. Maybe he strictly worked the night shift and slept in the daytime? That couldn’t have been very fun though, everyone needs a little sun to feel some sort of joy, even if he was a nasty, buggy, creepy little crawler -

“Hey.”

“Ah!!”

From the street lamp above, the bug of the hour dropped just inches from your face, hanging upside down on a thin string of web from his wrists. He was so close and came down so fast that you screamed and fell backwards. Was this it? Was this how you were going to die? From a heart attack and choking on air?

Seungmin mentally slapped himself for not knowing you’d react that way. Idiot-min, of course they would! They practically cry at the sight of a real spider! Now he probably owed you 'two' of whatever you were going to ask...

After getting down from the streetlight, he rushed over to help you up. “Are you all right?”

This time, you swatted his hand away and got up on your own, just as you wished you’d done to the damn arachnid the first time. It took a couple more moments to catch your breath and ease your heart rate, like you just finished running a marathon. If you didn’t hate Spider-Man before, Seungmin’s sure as hell you do now.

“I think I just had a mini heart-attack.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to -”

“Aren’t you supposed to help citizens, not crash into them or fall from the clouds and be all up in their faces!?”

The masked man scratched his head sheepishly. “There’s a bit of a gray area between ‘help’ and ‘harm’.”

“Yeah, clearly!” Now that you’ve come to your senses, it just occurred to you that Spider-Man recognized you from the first time. Why else would he pop up on you specifically just to say ‘hey’? “Wait, do you remember me?”

Time to turn up that charm _____ talked about so much, Spider-min! “It’s hard to forget the people I crash into.”

“It must not happen often then.”

“I promise you, it doesn’t. Otherwise the town would be wiped out… Literally.”

“Wow, lucky me, huh?”

"Of course. And it’s not everyday I get to crash into someone so cute."

"Oh, don't you try and flatter me!"

It was rare for Seungmin to see you so bothered just by one person. Normally, you'd let it go and move on, but with Spider-Man, it seemed like all current and future interactions would be a lot of bickering and furrowed brows. If you were anyone else, he'd be a little hurt that someone could hate him so much, but you weren't just anyone else. You were you, and even with your annoyed expression, your blushing cheeks gave you away. You didn’t hate him.

Oh yeah, this was going to be a lot of fun for Seungmin.

"I'm not trying to flatter you, but it seems to be working regardless," he teased.

"Why are you stalking me?"

"Whoa, what do you mean!? I'm simply taking a break from saving a citizen in trouble! You and I just happened to cross paths once more, like it was fate. Didn't you want to see me again, anyways?"

"Who said that?"

"Well to paraphrase the famous _____ on Moonlight Radio, you're waiting for me to 'owe you one', isn't that right?"

You didn’t have to see his face to know that he was smirking. Regardless, you were quite starstruck - when you said that he owed you one, you didn’t think he’d actually hear you! But it was kind of cool that someone so famous listened in, even if it was him of all people. “You heard that…?”

“Of course I did. It’s my favorite radio show. I also heard you think I’m charming.”

Spidey-Boy took a step forward, but you didn’t dare take one step back. You weren’t about to let some spandex-clad dude intimidate you with his flirtatious wording, even if you were totally embarrassed and wished you could go back in time and stop yourself from saying that. Really, it was so cute the way you tried to stand up to Seungmin, but again, the pink gracing your cheeks put your effort into your unwavering persona to waste. You couldn’t make eye contact with his huge, buggy eye mask, so you focused on the creepy crawly spider right on his chest that kept on growing the closer he came to you.

Then it stopped. Now you’re no longer looking at his chest, but looking at those things he called eyes. They were reflective and you could see clearly how terrified you actually looked.

He leaned in.

"Is that true, _____?" he asked. "Do you think I'm charming?"

"I-I think you're terrifying."

"But also charming, right?"

"If I say yes, will you step back?"

"Oh, sorry." Awkwardly and boyishly, the hero cleared his throat and took a step back. From a safe distance, he wasn't so bad - it's when he's ten centimeters away from your face that scared you.

"You… have a way with words."

A cute laugh came from Spidey. "That's one way to put it."

There's a short silence in between. He knew you wanted to say something by the way you were awkwardly avoiding looking at him. Seungmin would patiently wait for you, but Spider-Man…

"What is it?" he asked.

"Nothing, I was just wondering… Is Moonlight Radio really your favorite show?" you asked shyly.

"Of course. I wouldn't lie about something like that."

There was a little twinkle in your eyes like they held all the stars and your expression finally softened. Seungmin watched you struggle hiding your sweet smile while you stared at your shoes.

With the help of his masked identity, Seungmin could finally say the things he always wished he told you in the moment, from infinite moments before.

"You have a pretty smile."

"Huh?" Did you hear that right? Did the city's superhero call your smile pretty?

"I said…" Spidey-boy took a step closer, but kept his distance. "You have a pretty smile."

"Do you say that to all the people you crash into while running away from paparazzi?"

"No. Just the cute ones."

“Oh, my God, you are so corny! ‘Just the cute ones’, how many is that exactly? A dozen? Several dozen?”

“You know, most people would say thank you after I call them cute.”

“Well, I’m not falling for it! I’m not like most people!”

The boy chuckled again, and it sounded so sweet. “You most definitely are not.”

If this… this boy thought he could just flirt his way into your heart and forget nearly breaking your ribs, he was dead wrong! How dare he be so friendly and casual with you! It’s not like you were friends! What was his deal!?

You straightened your back and smoothed out the wrinkles in your shirt. “If that’s all, I’ll be on my way now.”

“Already? What about the ‘one’ I owe you?”

“Forget I ever said that. You’re off the hook.”

“No, that’s not right. I feel bad.” He wasn’t about to let you go that easily.

“I don’t even know what you’d owe me.”

“How about you think about it until we meet again?”

“Again? When would I even see you?”

The boy in red and blue shrugged. “By circumstance? Or perhaps you’ll get into some trouble? You seem like the type to pick fights.”

“Even if I was in trouble, who says I’d call you?”

“You wouldn’t have to. I’d come flying to your side the second I sensed something was wrong.”

You didn’t understand what that meant, but you really didn’t want to open a can of worms past midnight. “How chivalrous.”

“Thanks. So I’ll get to see you again?” he asked. Seungmin hoped he didn’t sound too desperate. He was just a simple boy who wouldn’t allow his best friend to hate his alter ego they knew nothing about, that’s all.

“If the opportunity arises ~” you sighed casually, walking past the stunned hero.

This was a side of you that Seungmin didn’t know how to handle. Never have you been so standoffish and awkward, but weirdly confident around him before. You were always your cutesy, dorky, loving self. Even when you weren’t talking to him directly, you were just as yourself around other people, even to strangers. But to Spider-Man? He didn’t know this side of you - the one that looked at him like you couldn’t tolerate breathing the same air as him. It was like he was meeting you for the very first time.

You may not like Spider-Man now, but the way you smiled for that split second and the way you entertained his stupid words with your witty responses, somewhere deep inside your cold heart, there had to be a chance that you’d come to like him. Maybe then he’ll reveal himself to you, but for now, he had to figure out how to stop his heart from beating so fast as he watched you walk away. Only you could affect him like that.

He’ll get you to like him, whether you like it or not.

It took you three days to crack and spend Saturday night researching who the fuck Spider-Man was. Thursday was spent being pouty and bitter about the night before. (“What’s up with you?” Seungmin asked. “Nothing, I just hate everyone.” “Sounds about right...”) Friday was spent playing as your own devil’s advocate trying to justify why he was the way he was. (“I guess he wasn’t so bad. He wasn’t mean to me, or anything. And he did want to pay me back for the french fries…”) And Saturday morning and afternoon was spent resisting the urge to care enough that you’d really spend a night on a weekend looking him up while texting Seungmin the entire time.

He loved every second of it.

you [6:05 pm]: did you know his suit doesn’t have any pockets? what genius designed that!?

seungminion [6:08 pm]: maybe they just forgot?

you [6:09 pm]: rookie mistake.

you [7:56 pm]: god, i really don’t like the blue and red...

seungminion [7:59 pm]: have you just been judging his uniform for the past 2 hours?

you [8:04 pm]: yeah? can’t be a great hero if he doesn’t look cool or have pockets.

seungminion [8:06 pm]: red and blue is cool!

you [8:07 pm]: if you’re 5.

you [9:42 pm]: ohhhh he visits children at the hospital! that’s actually super sweet.

seungminion [9:47 pm]: see, he’s a good guy.

you [9:54 pm]: i didn’t say he wasn’t, i just didn’t like him.

seungminion [9:55 pm]: “didn’t” like him? do you like him now?

you [9:57 pm]: i didn’t say that.

seungminion [10:01 pm]: just admit it, _____! life will be less stressful if you admit your faults.

you [10:04 pm]: i’ll never admit my faults because i’m always right.

seungminion [10:10 pm]: you’re so difficult… just open the door.

you [10:11 pm]: huh? are you here?

Seungmin couldn’t hold back his smile when he read your message. Something about you taking the time to look up what Spider-Man was all about made him miss you. It didn’t help that this gig felt like a full time job on top of everything else, taking time away to spend with you.

Things were different now that high school was over - no longer did either of you have free time after school to hang out in his car listening to music he picked out for you, or to eat at your heart’s content at whatever fast food place was open past midnight. Nights like those only come once in a blue moon nowadays. One of his biggest fears is that one day, you two would grow apart so gradually that the show would stop, spending time with you would stop, and your friendship would stop, and he wasn’t going to let that happen just because he was Spider-Man.

Seungmin was tired. Because he stayed up late on weekdays to save the city from chaos, his only time to catch up on sleep was sleeping in on the weekends and even afterwards, he felt like he could barely keep his eyes open. But when you opened the door with that adoring smile on your face, he thinks staying up for a few more hours to be with you would be worth it.

Seungmin looked tired. His hair was messy, he had dark circles under his eyes, and his shirt was missing a button. He looked like an absolute hot mess, but his warm smile said otherwise. For him to make the surprise trip over here in this state made your heart hurt.

“Are you ok?” you asked, deeply concerned.

“Yeah, I just had a rough morning… Rough week… Month…”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Maybe another time.”

“Oh, ok.” That was the second time he rejected talking about how he was feeling. You knew he wasn’t one to open up and show his vulnerability, but this couldn’t have been healthy. You would argue if you could, but his tired eyes told you he wasn’t in the mood.

You widened the door gap to let in the tired puppy and he went straight for the couch. There was a little space between his feet and the opposite arm rest and you took your spot there. Soon after though, the sleepy puppy named Seungmin took one of your couch pillows and set them on your lap for him to lay his head on.

Whoa, this was new.

“Wh-What are you…?”

“Can I just rest my eyes for a few minutes?” he mumbled.

“Of course.”

With that, and your hand gently running through his messy hair, Seungmin fell into a deep sleep within seconds. You learned that night that Seungmin snored softly, like an unworried child tucked under his blanket. This boy was such a hard worker and always put everyone before himself that it was no wonder he gets burned out so easily, but this was the first time you’ve ever seen it to this extent. Normally, he’d yawn here and there and flake on hanging out once in a while, but never had he come to your home unannounced just so he could fall asleep on your lap.

Why he found solace in a place like your couch and your lap, you had no idea, but it was nice. It felt so right, but at the same time it didn’t, but neither of you were going to question it after tonight. You would let it take its course and move on with your lives like it didn’t happen because that’s what friends do in situations like this, right?

You’d let your racing heart calm down and erase it from your memory in the morning.

Seungmin woke up with the sun and his head still on your lap. Oh no, had he fallen asleep through the whole night!? Looking up, he saw how awkwardly your neck craned just so you could sleep semi-comfortably in your position. You stayed with him the entire night. You could have woken him up for a few seconds, got off the couch, and sleep soundly in your own bed, but no, you decided to stay here with him instead.

If he could spend the entire day napping with you, he would, but not today. Today he had to get fitted into his new Spidey suit that Woojin designed.

After getting up and carefully laying you on your couch, he did the unthinkable and kissed your forehead. He’s not sure why he did that… Actually, he didn’t even realize he did that until a few seconds after. Maybe it was how cute you looked that prompted him to do so. Maybe it was a thank you for putting up with him all these years. Regardless, it felt good but it made his heart flutter, causing him to smile like an idiot. He probably shouldn’t have done that and he hoped you didn’t feel it, but it felt so right. He left your apartment with his face buried in his hands trying to stop his face heating up and massaging his cheeks because he kept on smiling too hard.

When the front door closed, you rubbed the spot on your forehead and screamed into your pillow.

You haven’t seen Seungmin in a couple of weeks. You avoided seeing him, you called in sick and skipped the show, hell you even tried going to your hometown for the weekend all because you’re sure that you were going to make a fool out of yourself the second you saw him. This was so stupid - one boy laid his head on your lap, stayed the night, then kissed your forehead and suddenly you didn't know how to act!

The only communication you two had was over text. No phone calls or facetime, hell, not even Snapchat. Just short texts of you saying you were sick, stressed, and needed your space. This wasn't so unusual, as Seungmin experienced this side of you a lot throughout college, but this happening after that night was too coincidental. Did he do something wrong? Did you know he kissed you? Fuck, he knew he shouldn't have fallen asleep!

It’s a Saturday night once more and you’ve yet again bailed on him for not feeling well. Of course at this point, he knew you were avoiding him, but were you avoiding him because he overstepped his boundaries and you were fading him out, or because you were just being your awkward self and weren’t sure how to handle this weird limbo in your relationship? He really really hoped for the latter.

Since Seungmin wasn’t going to see you tonight, Woojin had put him on duty to test out the finished version of his new all-black suit - with pockets! The spider on his chest was still just as big, but he hoped that it blended in with the black enough that you wouldn’t be so spooked when you see it, whenever that would be.

On a Saturday night, you’re stuck on the balcony of your apartment flipping through old photos of you and Seungmin. From high school to just a couple of weeks ago, you lazily flipped through the memories like you were playing with a rolodex. You’re not sure how you got here, all by your lonesome - maybe it was because his stupidly cute smile that stuck in your head even while avoiding him, or because your forehead still tingled from his lips, or because even after all your ghosting he still put in the effort to want to see you that made you miss him and go through your mobile rolodex of pictures. Seeing him in person was way too risky, so you’ll stick to this for now.

Was this it? Was this the end of the dynamic duo, live on Moonlight Radio? The two doofuses who got a little too turnt at Prom together? The two idiots who couldn’t form coherent thoughts around each other?

“_____?”

“Ah!!”

The night was dead silent until a black upside down figure called your name and popped up from behind the branches of a nearby tree. By some weird instinct, your startled self dropped your phone in case you had to defend yourself from the over-sized arachnid, all the way from your fifth floor balcony. You were thankful to Spidey-Boy for once in your life, who had caught your phone using his web thingies just before it hit the floor and shattered to pieces.

Seungmin got a hold of your phone and noticed all the pictures of him cluttering in an album dubbed ‘Seungminion’. There were pics of him with his braces, him smiling, him eating, sleeping, crying - you name it, you had it, and he remembered every moment of every picture.

What were you doing just now? Were you thinking about him? His blush couldn’t be seen through his mask, could it?

“Can I get my phone back, please?”

Your balcony railing didn’t look like it could hold a fat squirrel, but somehow a superhero was able to balance on it, squatting like a mischievous cat. Seungmin ignored your tired plea and teasingly shook the phone in front of your pouty face.

“Who’s this ~?” he asked in a sing-songy voice.

“No one, now give it back.”

“Is he your boyfriend?”

Even in the dark, your blush burned brightly. “No!”

“You have a lo~ot of pictures together ~”

“It’s…” you sighed, feeling your heart sink little by little. “It’s not like that.”

And his felt like it was sinking, too. “Do you want to talk about it?”

It’s funny. You would ask Seungmin that all the time and wished he’d answer you, but now that the tables have turned, you realized why he wouldn’t - you didn’t want to burden anyone with your worries.

“Maybe next time.”

“Why not now? I’m not busy, or anything. Besides, it can’t be healthy holding in whatever you’re feeling.” Seungmin was the epitome of a walking contradiction.

“I’m ok, I promise.”

“Your face says otherwise.”

“How would you know? We’ve met only once before. One and a half, if you count the first time, and both were very short encounters. I don’t think you’d know how I’m feeling based on that and how my face looks.”

“Then let me get to know you.”

“H-Huh?”

“I know you don’t know me very well, and it might be weird talking to me, but I don’t like you like this.”

“Like how…?”

“When you’re not smiling.” Of course, your body failed you and you smiled softly at his corny-ass words. Fine, you’ll give him that one… “There’s that pretty smile.”

“Shut up.”

“I’m serious by the way - do you want to talk about it? I’m not busy for a while.”

Were you really about to tell a stranger in black spandex that you were crushing hard on your friend? What has this world come to!? But you had nothing better to do and neither did he, so why not entertain the town’s hero for a little bit?

“Have you ever liked someone before?”

“Sure,” he shrugged casually. “I like you.”

Your eye roll could not have been more dramatic. He must do this with all of his damsels he saved, right? Clearly, he's had practice trying to woo others before.

Seungmin’s favorite color was the color of your cheeks.

“No, idiot! I mean like… you know… like-like.”

“I didn’t know our beloved radio host was in middle school.”

“Ok, I knew this was a bad idea -” you said, turning to the sliding door.

“Wait, I’m kidding!” Before you could head inside, Spider-Man grabbed your hand. “I was just trying to get you to smile again. Don’t go.”

When you squeezed his hand so he wouldn’t let go, Seungmin’s confidence and ego launched into space. You definitely were starting to like Spider-Man, whether it was school-girl crush type of like-like or you just tolerated him a little more. Seungmin was living the best of both worlds with you, but by the way you were avoiding the real him because of that night and the way you blushed at every word that came out of his masked mouth, was it possible you were starting to like his other self more?

He’ll find out right now.

“So what is this about like-liking someone?” he asked, tugging your forward a bit.

You're much closer to him than you have ever been before. Not considering the first time you met, of course. You've only met less than a handful of times, but somehow the distance in between wasn't so weird.

Seungmin felt your fingers run over the webbing design on his hands. “I’m… confused?” you questioned. That’s one way to put it.

“About?”

“It’s just… I don’t know, it’s weird because I’ve known him for a long time.”

You and Seungmin have known each other for a long time: check.

“Shouldn’t that make it easier on the both of you?”

“No, that makes it harder! With any hot guy on the street, I could go up to him, confess my undying attraction to him, and if he rejects me, then fine, I’ll just never see him again. But with a friend, I gotta consider all possible outcomes if I ever had to confess to him.”

“What’s there to consider?”

“Outcome number one: he could return my feelings, we kiss, and live happily ever after.”

“Sounds promising.”

“Outcome number two: he admits to not returning my feelings, says he would like to stay friends, but it’s too awkward now and we both drift apart until we no longer can stand in the same room together.”

“Now you’re just listing the extremes.”

“That’s not extreme, outcome number three is extreme: he doesn’t return my feelings, says he would like to stay friends but only said that to be nice and he turns up at the next hangout with his new boo thang.”

“Oh, come on, you really think he would do that!?” he whined, completely insulted you’d ever think so.

“It’s a possibility! And I’m not ready to take that risk yet.”

“So you’re stuck in some limbo now, is that it?”

“Yeah… we haven’t really talked since…”

You were this close to talking about the night Seungmin blurred the black and white between friends and more than that with an eagerly-awaiting Spider-Boy, who had moved from squatting like a cat on your porch to standing like a human for once. This was the first time you've seen him posed like a human and for once, goosebumps weren't crawling on your skin at the sight of the spider on his chest.

Seungmin awaited patiently for you to continue on, but you seemed more preoccupied with his chest than your story.

"I just realized your uniform's different," you noted, taking a step back to appreciate the new color.

"Ya like? Black's pretty sexy, huh?"

"Yeah, it's much better than the red and blue."

"And look! Pockets!!"

Spider-Man shoved his hands into the depths of his pockets and you thought to yourself that your FBI agent listening in on your devices must work for Spider-Man, considering he altered his uniform per your suggestions.

You tried to play it off like you weren't creeped out. "What the heck do you need pockets for? Your Spidey-Cell?"

"Ha-ha, there's no such thing as a Spidey-Cell. It's to hold my snacks. But it can hold your phone, if you'd like?"

"Why would I want you to hold my phone…?"

"When I take you on a tour through the city tonight."

You took a big step back and wiggled your finger at the mischievous hero. "You're crazy if you think I'm consenting to that."

"What, jumping around buildings and having citizens take videos of you during the busiest night of the week doesn't sound appealing to you?"

"Not at all!"

"C'mon, you look like you need some excitement and cheering up right now! What else do you have going on tonight?"

"I… have laundry to do…!"

"Just throw it in and come with me! It won't take that long."

"I also have homework."

"That's what Sundays are for."

"I also have to answer some questions listeners sent this week, and make dinner, and oh my God, my blinds are so dusty, and -"

"_____."

Spider-Man took a step forward and held his hand out. The night was alive, and you both could hear it coming deep within the city, where close friends and couples in love enjoyed each other's company. It's been lonely the last couple of weeks and you'll admit seeing Spider-Man tonight was the most exciting thing that's happened for a while, but…

Somehow, this felt like you were cheating on Seungmin.

"Give me thirty minutes," Spidey pleaded. "That's all."

You held his hand once more. There's something about the mystery man behind the suit that painstakingly attracted you to him. It was like fate had plans in stored just meant for the two of you.

"I'm scared of heights," you admitted shyly.

"I'll hold you tight."

"Promise?"

"I promise. I'd never let anything happen to you." And he meant it.

"Ok. Thirty minutes."

Seungmin pulled you in close to his chest and instructed you to wrap your arms around his shoulders. This was the closest he's gotten to a hug for a couple of weeks and he missed it, but he'll deal with your mess of a friendship later. What mattered most right now was how cutely and innocently you looked up at him while clinging on to your dear life like he was already swinging through the concrete jungle.

"Are you ready?" he asked, taking hold of your waist.

"Nope!"

"On the count of three, we'll go, ok?" You nodded nervously. "Ready? One… I lied!"

On the second count, Spider-Man stuck his webbing from the tree he was on and swung from branch-to-branch like some modern day Tarzan. Your shrill screams were the soundtrack to his flight and his boyish laughs mixed in between.

"You're such an asshole!!" you cried out, burying your face into his shoulder.

"I know and I'm sorry, but it was too good of an opportunity to pass up! But you'll take it back if you open your eyes."

“No way!”

“C’mon, don’t be such a baby!”

“I will cry.”

“No, you won’t. Now please, open your eyes!”

So you did, and your world in the arms of Spider-Man was filled with nothing but color. In a city you often saw as black and white, tonight was like seeing color for the very first time in shades you haven’t even heard of. Every color of light - from the tri-color street lights to the infinite shades of neon - all bounced off of every skyscraper the city held, reflecting off of every square of glass. The lights made your eyes twinkle like there were billions of rainbow stars stuck inside.

Seungmin was so glad to have you here with him.

The people below, as cliche as it sounds, looked like tiny little ants with cell phones recording every swing, every scream, and every smile. The idea of this going worldwide was absolutely terrifying, maybe even more-so than this, but it was so worth it. Never had anyone convince you to do something this crazy before. It seems like you’re sharing a lot of weird firsts with Spidey-Boy.

Seungmin took you to an empty rooftop that was thankfully not too high up, but high enough so that neither of you could be seen. As soon as your feet touched the concrete, your body turned to jello and fell to the floor.

“Oh, hey-!” Seungmin began, worried that you passed out.

But instead, you were in a fit of giggles, clutching your sides and covering your face from embarrassment.

You’re so, so cute, but so… so weird…

“Uh… are you ok?” he asked, hovering over your still-giggling form.

“No! I feel like I died, went to the seventh layer of hell, and got resurrected twenty times!”

“Then why do you look so happy?”

“I don’t know!” A long, content sigh left your lips before you grinned at your reflection through spidery lenses. “I am happy.”

Seungmin already knew he loved you. But now, he was in trouble - he was in too deep, and there was no way out.

He was crazily, unapologetically, immensely in love with you.

After you collected yourself from the floor, you joined a patient and careful Spider-Man at the edge of the roof. The fearless boy swung his legs freely overboard, and though you weren’t at that level yet, you were brave enough to straddle the parapet.

“Wow, I’m kind of proud of you,” Spidey snickered.

“Sh-Shut up.”

“Don’t fall ~”

“No promises, so you better catch me ~”

“Of course I will.”

For a moment, the two of you enjoyed each other’s company in silence, watching over the city folk who were either trying to get home after a long day, leaving home for a night out, or simply spending it with someone else. The perspective made you feel small - like your situation with Seungmin, the radio show, all the stress of school meant nothing because this, right in front of you, was the bigger picture. It didn’t make sense though, how none of your personal problems mean nothing in this moment.

Maybe Spider-Man had powers other than shooting webs.

“Hungry?” he asked, distracting you from your thoughts.

“Kind of. Are you?”

“Starving.”

“I’d ask if you want to get something to eat, but I don’t know how that would work.”

“We can still get something to eat. See that skewer stand over there?”

Spandex-Man pointed to a busy stand full of chicken, beef, pork, fried tofu, veggie, you-name-it skewer stand. You could smell the delicious spices all the way from the roof. “Mhm.”

“Watch this.”

In the blink of an eye, the webs from his wrist grab onto several sticks and he yanked them back, handing you several scrumptious, juicy skewers faster than you could blink. Then, he took out cash from his wallet (which he kept in his new fancy pockets) and shot back enough bills to cover the tip jar.

“Wow, I bet that’s handy at home when you’re couch potato-ing.”

“You have no idea - I barely get up on my days off.”

The skewers taste better with a side of company. “By the way, you never answered my question.”

“What question?”

“Have you ever like-liked someone?”

“Ah, that one,” he sighed, unbothered. “Of course I have.”

“Oh? What were they like?”

“Where should I begin? They’re quite spunky. They have that no bullshit attitude that’s very attractive. They’re very smart, too, it’s hard for me to keep up sometimes. Most of all they’re so dorky… Dorky like they get scared over the littlest things like bugs and they get excited about things like free snacks in the library. But they’re also kind. I can’t recall a time when they weren’t thinking about others before themselves. And oh man, they have that little twinkle in their eyes whenever they see me - that’s what I love the most.”

“Did you ever tell them you like them?”

He shook his head lazily. “Nah. I didn’t see a point at the time.”

“You’re crazy! You should have told them!”

“Why, so I could get rejected!?”

“But what if they would have returned your feelings!? You just lost something great!”

“Eh, that was a long time ago so it doesn’t matter anymore,” he lied.

“You’re so lame…”

“Says the one who’s making made-up scenarios in your head to avoid your own jump to the death confession!”

“Hey, those are completely possible!”

“And you call me crazy…”

“Bet you won’t tell the next person that comes along that you like them ~”

“Jokes on you because I already did ~”

“When!?”

“Twenty minutes ago. I said I liked you, remember?”

Soon, blushing cheeks would become permanent on your face. “Shut up.”

A loud crash was heard far in the distance, just north of where you two were. You and the citizens below halted for a couple of seconds, like someone had pressed the pause button on the country. Another loud crash was heard and the rumbling of big, heavy footsteps echoed in the night. It was coming in your direction. Then, all warning sirens within the entire city went off, blinking a bright red.

“Please evacuate immediately,” the intercom said robotically. “Threat level: Demon. Please evacuate immediately. Threat level -”

“Demon?” you muttered to no one in particular. “There hasn’t been a Demon-level threat in over a decade -”

“I’m taking you home.”

“Wait -!”

There was no time to wait. Seungmin had to get you out of here and swing back to the city to find out whatever this thing was that made it so dangerous. Instead of flying through the buildings on the busiest and plugged-up streets, he detoured onto the smaller buildings on the safer routes near the outskirts of town where no one could see you. If that thing caught a glimpse of you, kidnapped you somehow, and made you a pawn in its game just to lure in Seungmin, he would never forgive himself. In fact, meeting you as Spider-Man was a complete mistake in the first place.

You made it back to your balcony in no time. The brave boy held you close by the shoulders and even if you couldn’t see through his reflecting eyes, you knew he was staring into your soul.

“Stay inside, ok? “ Spidey demanded.

“Don’t go. Stay with me.”

“You know I can’t do that.”

“Can’t someone else go instead!?”

The footsteps got louder - closer.

Seungmin took your face in his hands, drawing tiny circles with the pads of his thumbs. When that didn’t help you calm down, you watched him carefully begin to remove his mask. What the hell was he doing!? Was he going to reveal himself NOW, of all times!? But no, your panic subsided when he only revealed just below his nose. Then, as if your life was a fairy tale, your prince pressed a soft, loving kiss to your forehead. Time slowed.

“I’ll come back to check on you.”

“Wait -!”

He had already jumped off your balcony before you could grab him and pull him back in the safety of your home. Whatever the thing was, you had no doubt he could stop it. Tomorrow, everything would be back to normal.

There was a shelter in the basement of your apartment complex whenever supernatural things caused the sirens to go off. You’ve lived through multiple Snake-level threats, Tiger-levels, hell even Dragon-level, but never Demon, the highest-level threat to exist. In the dusty and overcrowded basement, all of the panicked residents crowded over the television that hung on the wall.

Before you joined the crowd, you texted every possible friend to check-in and make sure they were safe. Seungmin was the only one who didn’t respond right away. You tried calling, sending multiple texts, snapchats, but received nothing, and you felt like your heart was collapsing in your chest.

seungminion [10:07 pm]: i’m ok, i promise.

You were about to cry on the spot. Slowly, your whole world would come back together, and everything would be fine.

The news reporters were showing live footage of what was out there, with the recording crew bravely hiding in the bushes and rubble of what was left of some buildings. The camera couldn’t get a full view of the thing because its appendages were too long. It looked like some big mechanical spider with claws on the ends of its legs. Just the sight of it on the screen made your skin crawl… why was this city so obsessed with spiders?

In the corner of the screen, a teeny tiny Spider-Man faced the enemy.

Oh my God, he’s doomed! He’s so tiny compared to that thing! And it has claws that could probably cut through the webbing! Every doubtful thoughts and whispers from your neighbors flooded your brain and you couldn’t stand to watch without peaking through your fingers in front of your face.

Seungmin was face-to-face with some other spider-wannabe being. He had no idea who or what this thing or person was other than it looked like it was crafted in an underground laboratory. With long, heavy, and sturdy appendages, it was hard for him to make out the pilot in the cephalothorax. What seemed to be human really didn’t look human at all - more like a crazy, power-hungry scientist on crack.

“Spider-Man! What a coincidence, I was just on my way to see you ~” the man sang. “I’ve been watching you.”

“That’s not creepy at all…”

“But it’s only because I admire you so much! Look, I even made myself a big spider to impress you!”

So he was just some crazy super fan. Seungmin wondered if his intentions were to hurt any citizens at all, or if the pilot didn’t even think about them as he made his way to show Seungmin his creation.

“Do you like it?” he asked desperately. “It’s an homage of sorts - like a sculpture! It’s art!”

“Um… I don’t fully understand it? It doesn’t look anything like me at all.”

There’s a short, eerie silence that followed. Everyone watching in their shelters embedded into the Earth’s crust held their breath, waiting for how the super fan was going to react. If you could hit Spider-Man across the television screen, you would until he was sent into the next dimension. Spidey, you idiot, entertain him a little, would you!? Are you trying to doom us all!?

“So you hate it…”

“No, that’s not what I.”

“I knew it! I knew you would hate it!”

The mechanical spider threw an obnoxious temper tantrum like an angry child without his nap time, swinging its appendages in every which way, hitting everything in its path like a lethal tornado. Nothing was left but dust and gravel by the time the spider sliced through a building. Seungmin did his best to dodge and avoid getting hit, but it wasn’t easy when there were eight things to dodge all at once. Between jumping from buildings to running on the ground, while trying to transition from one platform to the other, one of the legs hit him and sent him flying through a cement wall.

You could practically hear the whole city gasp in unison, with your soft one mixed in as you hide your face in your hands. Oh my God, he was going to get crushed!

But as if nothing had hit him just moments before, the city’s hero jumped back on his feet and went back to the demon.

First, Seungmin tried to tie up his legs together with his webbing. That didn’t work even though the chemical make-up of the silk was comparable to woven steel. The claws were still able to cut through every strand like it was cutting though tissue paper.

“I spent countless hours…! Endless months...!! Sometimes without food or sleep, and you ended up hating it!! I made this for you!”

Another blow to Spider-Man sent him through several concrete walls this time, crumbling the foundation of the buildings as he passed. At this rate, the entire city would be destroyed in no time.

“Come on, you can do it,” you whispered to no one in particular. You hoped his spidey-sense, or whatever, could hear your thoughts.

The more buildings that were destroyed, the more the enemy moved forward, looking for other things to destroy and toss like they meant nothing. Seungmin did his best to follow and try to lure him in a direction that was mostly rubble, but it was no use. Before he could be stopped, the two of them were already at the city’s main bridge that connected it to the other city. It was clear they didn’t get the evacuation memo quick enough as people parked their cars in the middle of the highway and ran in the opposite direction.

The view of the fight could now be seen thanks to two brave men recording in a helicopter. You saw the thing toss cars behind him, at Spider-Man, into the river, and to panicked citizens. Luckily, Spidey was able to catch the cars with ease and you think to yourself that maybe you don’t know him as well as you thought you did, even after all that research. Truly, this man was absolutely incredible in action.

“You hate it, everyone else hates it, where is the culture in this town!? The artistic knowledge!? Lack thereof is absolutely mortifying!” Another car tossed into the river. “No city can thrive without appreciation of the arts! I’ll do you all a favor and rebuild this city from the ground up!!”

You assumed that meant he would eliminate everyone in the city and start with nothing. That was comforting…

A car filled with a small family and a baby were lifted overhead. “I’ll start with them!”

He tossed the car over the bridge like they were just one of many to end up with an unfortunate fate in his metal claws. Spider-Man paid no mind to the cackling man in the body of a mechanic spider and used both of his web shooters to aim at the falling car. They hadn’t fallen too far off the bridge, but if Spidey couldn’t hold on to them, then the drop would be horrendous.

Maybe if the car wasn’t a huge suburban mom-van, this would be a piece of cake to pull up, but it was and no amount of leg days at the gym could have prepared Seungmin for this gnarly dead lift. Since all of his attention was on the van below, Seungmin had a hard time multi-focusing on the demon threat that was aiming a car at him.

“You’re next ~!”

Then there’s a beam of… light? Fire, perhaps? That blinded the television screen. A flying, red and gold-colored armored man swooped in and saved Spider-Man’s and the family’s ass.

“You ok?” he asked, flipping open his helmet to get a good look at him. “No, the suit! I was so sure the material would hold this time!”

Wait a minute… “Is that Woojin!?” you screeched on your end. “What the fuck -!!”

“Eh?” Seungmin looked down at his suit. Only parts of it were torn up and scathed, but otherwise he thought it was holding together rather nicely. “I mean,I think it’s still ok.”

“We’ll discuss that later. Do you need some help with this guy?”

“That would be nice, yes.”

“Bet I can beat him before you pull up the car.”

“Oh, you’re on.”

Once Seungmin got into competitive mode, there was no going back, and Woojin knew that. There was no way he’d beat this super fan, but he needed Seungmin’s help fast because this heavy iron suit could only dodge for so long.

You’re on your tippy toes as you watched Woojin tease and fight the demon-threat. There was no way that was really him... But when you saw his fluffy brown curls and his mischievous smirk before he closed his helmet, you were positive that was the one and only sexy fried chicken master himself. It was just so hard to believe because you’ve never seen him move so much before. You were so used to him slouched over in your booth every Wednesday night.

The car was brought up with some struggling, but nonetheless, the family was safe. Seungmin would feel this in his legs and biceps tomorrow morning, but that was for him to dwell on tomorrow. While Woojin kept distracting the enemy, Seungmin jumped in to help.

“If you can pin him down, I’ll incinerate the appendages.”

“I can’t, I already tried that.”

“What? He can still cut through them? Dammit!” Woojin sighed loudly. “Make sure I modify that along with the fabric.”

“Duly noted. I could try tying the legs together?”

“Let’s try it.”

It was a cat and mouse chase, where Spidey-Boy played the sneaky mouse Jerry and the spider droid was Tom the cat. You watched the clever man weave in and out and in between all the legs, with an appendage following closely behind. With a quickness, he shot his webs towards the limb and pulled close. With his free hand, he took another hold of a limb, and brought it close also. Then the tying ensued, trying to bend and twist the unforgiving metal into what was almost a knot.

“Close enough,” Woojin shrugged. “Step aside.”

You watched a floating Woojin blast a beam of light from the palm of his hand. At the joint where the limb met with the thorax, the mass of energy blew them off one-by-one as Spider-Man did his part. Two legs fell to the floor. Then four, then six, but the seventh and eight limbs were able to fight back. The tips of the claws acted like the tips of knives, piercing and poking everything it came in contact with. Seungmin got hit on his side, the spidey suit ripping along with his skin, and dark, crimson blood flowed freely.

Another eruption of gasps were made in your basement, this time yours being the loudest. You covered your mouth and tried to stop the worrying tears from forming.

“F-Fuck,” he cursed painfully, jumping back to hide behind Woojin.

“I can handle two limbs. Just stay back.”

Seungmin didn’t hear what his boss said. He was too focused on the blood pooling in his hands. It hurt like a bitch, but luckily he wasn’t losing too much of it that he was going to pass out. It was just harder for him to move. In the background, Seungmin could hear the maniacal laughter from the crazy scientist who was having fun playing with his toy. Woojin, on the other hand, wasn’t having any of it today and opted to just incinerate every piece on the spider until there was no more. For a moment, it rained shards of metal, distracting everyone from keeping their eye on the demon-threat. The super fan was able to miraculously escape the explosion, but not before Seungmin tied his defenseless body up like silken chrysalis.

“It’s Spider-Man’s silk…! The intricacy of it! It’s phenomenal, Spider-Man!! Truly, modern art in its final form!!”

“Seungmin, you good?” Woojin asked, bending at his level.

“Yeah… Can you stay with him until the cops come? I need to go somewhere to fix this.”

“Do what you gotta do, but text me once you’re there.”

A drowsy, light-headed Spider-Man nodded before jumping off to God only knows where. There weren’t many places where he could hide from citizens once the word got out it was safe to come back again, so he had to make his way to someone fast, but when the trees looked like clouds and the street lamps blurred to nothing, that might take longer than he expected.

The ‘Threat Level Eliminated’ alarm popped up on everyone’s phones, meaning it was safe to go back to your apartment. Luckily and conveniently, your apartment was one of the few buildings located on the outskirts of the city that was left unscated, so you thankfully still had a home. You’re not sure how you’re going to sleep without knowing if Spidey was ok or not, but you were so tired that your body was sure to forget about it once it hit your mattress.

In the midst of all the chaos, you were so happy that Seungmin was ok. You hoped he was thinking about you, too.

A place for everything and everything in its place - nothing was scathed or shattered or touched, and for that you’re thankful. After a quick scan of your apartment, you headed to bed feeling empty, like you should have someone here to be with and distract you from all the evil in the world.

As if on cue, a knock on your balcony window startled you to death. Outside was a heavy-breathing silhouette of Spider-Man clutching his side from when he was almost cut in half by that thing. You never ran to the window faster.

“Hey,” you whispered worriedly. “What are you doing here...?”

“Please help me...”

Your eyes widened at the size of his wound. It looked much smaller on the television. “You need to go to a hospital!”

“No! No one else can see this.”

“But -!”

“_____, please.”

Reluctantly, you helped the poor boy into your home. He collapsed on one of the chairs in your kitchen while you ran to the bathroom to find anything that would stop the bleeding. Several damp but clean towels and soap were in one hand and a roll of gauze was in another. WebMD said to first apply gentle pressure to stop the bleeding. You were ok with baby wounds and small paper cut drips of blood, but being up close and personal with a gashing, open wound with lots of blood made you lightheaded. Oh my God, why did humans have so much blood!

The next step was to clean the wound, so you used a new towel and some soap to clean around, but not on the open cuts. At this point, Spider-Man’s breathing was slow and steady.

“Hey,” you said, gently patting his masked face. “Stay with me.”

“Hm…?”

“Don’t fall asleep.”

“I’m pretty sure that rule only goes for head injuries.”

“Just don’t, ok? For me? At least not yet, because I’m scared you won’t wake up again.”

You felt like such a whiny baby for not wanting an injured hero to rest just yet, but Seungmin knew you were just worried. Even in disguise, you were always so thoughtful for him, and it was just one of the many reasons why he loved you.

Spidey-Boy ruffled your hair playfully. “Ok. For you.”

Cleaning the wound took a while (“Ah, that stings!” “Then sit still!” “No!”), but regardless, you think you did a pretty swell job and almost considered a change in your major (NCLEX, anyone?). The difficult part was patching up the wound.

Your cheeks blushed for the millionth time. “Hey, uh…”

“What’s up?”

“Can you, uh… Take your uniform off…?”

Seungmin’s heart jumped. “I can’t do that.”

“Why not? How am I going to wrap up your wound?”

“I’ll do it myself. Can I use your bathroom?”

“Sure… First door on the left.”

Spidey nodded, taking the roll of gauze in your hands and slowly making his way towards the bathroom with whatever strength he had left in him. After taking off his suit and mask, he used the door as a means of support while he messily wrapped the gauze around his torso. It thankfully stopped the bleeding, but the problem now was how he was going to get home when he could barely walk.

He felt a knock on his back and panicked, pressing up against it more so you couldn’t open it.

“Y-Yeah?” he asked.

“Are you ok in there? Are you sure you don’t need any help?”

“I’m fine…!”

You left it at that, going back to your seat in the kitchen as you impatiently waited for his return. You knew the reason he wanted to do it himself was so he could hide his identity, but you couldn’t help but feel a little hurt that he didn’t trust you like that yet. I mean fine, this was only technically your fifth time meeting him, but this situation was different - he needed your help.

After half an hour of wrapping and trying to catch his breath, a fully-costumed Spider-Man came out of the bathroom with the gauze sticking out where the cut used to be. You smiled up at him and Seungmin thought that everything would be all right.

Then he collapsed.

With a loud thug, your hero fell to the floor and didn’t move. You ran to him, fell to your knees, and laid his head on your lap.

“Hey hey!” you cried out, lightly slapping his masked face. “Come on, wake up!”

“Mmff…”

“I’m going to take off your mask, ok?”

“No, don’t…!” He tried to object, but the more he talked, the more he lost his strength.

You didn’t listen because how could you just let him slowly suffocate under his mask!? You didn’t care if he’d be mad at you and you didn’t care if Woojin or whomever the fuck his boss was barged in and blasted some memory-wiping light in your eyes because you cared about Spidey-Boy too much for you to just let him do this on his own.

After removing his mask, you felt the walls of your home begin to crumble.

A sweaty, exhausted Seungmin laid in your lap, barely breathing. Seeing him like this brought back every memory you’ve ever shared with him, from high school until now. You’ve only ever come to know the adorable and sunshiny Seungmin, never the one that’s been saving the city from chaos and destruction. You thought you knew everything about him, but it was clear you really didn’t know him at all, and it broke your heart.

It wasn’t fair. He knew everything about you, from your odd habits, to your favorite everything, and now he knew how you felt about being in love. Granted, you never explicitly told him it was him, but he wasn’t an idiot, he knew it all along. Tonight, you trusted him as Spider-Man with your heartfelt feelings thinking that the real him would never find out until you were ready, but that trust was already broken the moment he flew into you on that fateful Sunday evening.

Your entire friendship was a lie.

Seungmin tried opening his eyes after feeling your tears fall on his cheeks and forehead.

“_____…” he mumbled.

You shook your head, unable to look at him as you quietly sobbed.

“I hate you, Seungmin,” you whispered.

His vision goes black.

When Seungmin passed out, you kneeled there until you could no longer feel the blood flowing below your knees and you sobbed. You were heartbroken, you were furious, you were absolutely terrified, and everything came crashing down like every other building in the center of the city tonight. But at least Seungmin (slash Spider-Man) was here with you, right where you needed him to be, so could you really be mad?

There was no way you were able to carry him to your bed or even the couch, so you did your best to make him comfortable as he laid on the floor. A few pillows and several soft blankets would do the trick. Afterwards, you headed to bed yourself, unable to deal with everything that happened today. Somehow, you’d deal with it in the morning.

But you couldn’t sleep. After tossing and turning and flipping through old memories shared with the boy practically dead on your floor outside, sleep would not have you, as if you were cursed until you dealt with your feelings head-on. What the fuck were you supposed to do, though!? He was unconscious, for God’s sake, he wouldn’t even hear anything you’d say! And it would make you seem weak, wouldn’t it? Caving into what your heart wanted and going to him… That would mean you’d forgive pretty much anything Seungmin was at fault for, and that was not going to be the case!

It was four in the morning when you decided that yes, you were a weak, weak person, but only for your best friend.

On your sixteenth birthday, Seungmin gifted you the stars. Literally - there was this lamp thing on Amazon that had a slow-spinning black dome with a bunch of holes in it that mimicked the stars above. When the lights turned off and the glow of the lamp was on, the entire room was filled with constellations and stardust and it was like he gave you the universe and everything that was beneath it. In retrospect, he’d always go above and beyond, not just with gifts, but with anything that involved you just to make you happy.

Maybe it was time for you to do the same. The least you could do was try to understand his side. You wouldn’t even let him explain earlier… You told him you hated him.

So in the midst of heartbreak, you brought the lantern, a pillow, and a blanket and laid beside him until he would wake again. As the stars twinkled and twirled like a mobile above a crib, you watched a sleepy Seungmin beside you breathe softly. You counted every eyelash, every breath per minute, and traced his silhouette.

Even when you should be mad at him, how could you be? The moment he wakes up, you'd forgive and forget about everything - you loved him too much to stay mad for so long.

Before you fell asleep next to him, you made sure to hold his hand so he wouldn't slip away.

Nine in the morning was when Seungmin woke up with enough strength to leave you alone. He awoke beside you, with his hand entwined with yours, and he thought to himself how there was no way he deserved you. You stayed with him the whole night, healing him, making sure he was ok, and even after his identity was revealed - even after you told him you hated him - you stayed by his side on the uncomfortable hardness of the floor.

You hated him. Even with you by his side and your hand in his, he lied to you and kept his identity a secret and you hated him for it.

Seungmin tried to get up, but his side stung too much. Looking at his gash, his blood had soaked through the gauze and he knew he needed Woojin's money to help him with this one.

Your best friend pressed one last kiss to your forehead before leaving.

"I love you," he whispered. Then he hopped out the balcony and journeyed to Woojin.

When you woke up alone and with Seungmin nowhere in sight, you panicked. You called his cell phone, left text messages, called Woojin's cell phone, called all of 3RACHA's cell phones, anyone who you suspected to be a part of this super secret Spider-Man Team of Friendship, but no one would answer or knew where he was.

First he hid a whole alternate persona from you, even after you grew a connection with him, and then he injuries himself and then he falls off the face of the Earth!? How was that fair to you!? After everything you do for him!?

You needed answers. You needed him to be safe, with you, and to answer every question you had. He owed you that much.

Desperate times called for desperate measures, so went live on the radio straight from home.

Seungmin slept on Woojin's couch for hours after he arrived. He was drugged with some weird shit Woojin's brother concocted, patched and stitched up by said brother, and was instructed to stay bed ridden until the drugs took on its full effect. Something was working because his side felt numb and wasn't bleeding out anymore.

As he waited for the medicine to work, he passed the time by reading and listening to all the messages you left him.

you [9:23 am]: hey, are you awake?

you [9:38 am]: please answer me…

"Seungmin? Where are you? Please call me back."

you [10:56 am]: seungmin please

you [11:21 am]: i'm not mad, i promise!! i don't hate you!!

you [12:03 pm]: you're so mean.

you [12:52 pm]: i'm sorry.

He'll never be able to face you again. Not for a very long time.

'Moonlight Radio is now live!' his phone screen read.

Today was Sunday. "What the…?"

Even when the city barely started to recuperate from mass destruction, a good chunk of your regular listeners still tuned in to Moonlight Radio.

"Hey, guys!" you greeted cheerfully. "It's me, _____, going solo at the mic today. How are you all doing this Sunday afternoon? I hope you're all safe and sound, resting from last night's chaos. Team Moonlight is just fine, so no need to worry about us.

"Now I know, it's not 8:00 pm Wednesday, but I have a really good reason for this surprise short broadcast. I… I need your help."

There's a long pause on your end. How were you going to word this?

"So there's this guy, right? There's always a guy, that's how stories like this start. He's a really close friend of mine and I've been battling with some weird feelings for a very long time. You guys know how it goes, right? You think you like them, you're in denial, things get kind of awkward, then you're avoiding each other, and now your friendship is ruined, all because you're avoiding these… these stupid feelings! And you haven't even told him yet!"

Seungmin heard you sniffle through his phone. You were crying. All because of him.

"So I need your guys' help," you cried out. "I hate feeling this way. What should I do…?"

On your laptop, tons of answers flowed in through the group chat and inbox on what you should do. There were only two answers, and one of them was a question.

"You guys are so funny," you said, genuinely happy that your listeners knew you so well. "The only options are variations of 'just tell him!' and 'is this about Seungmin?'"

The tired boy's heart felt like it was aching when you said his name, but why was he so happy?

"You guys are right - I should tell Seungmin I love him. Seungmin…" you paused, choked up on the tears that were ready to fall. This wasn’t going to be easy. "If you're listening, please answer my calls… I-I'm not mad at you! I just can't help but worry about you sometimes. You mean so much to me, and I don’t know what I’d do without you. So please, just let me know you’re out there and safe somewhere. I love you, ok? I love you."

Seungmin cried a little, too. His heart ached, his whole entire body, mind, and soul ached, but he was so, so happy.

"Ok! Enough sad sappy stuff! I'm going to eat tubs of ice cream and maybe cry a little until I hear a response. Stay tuned on Wednesday to find out the results of my undying confession to my co-host. Oh, also! While I have you all listening, could I ask you all for another favor? If you guys see Spider-Man today, could you drop the location in our inbox? I know I know, I used to be disgusted by that vermin, but now I'm kind of a huge fan. Spider-Man, if you're listening… I guess I like you, too. Have a good Sunday, everyone. This is _____ signing off."

Seungmin had to find you. He had to run to you, hold you in his arms, and kiss you until you were out of breath. But when he tried getting up from the bed, he couldn't.

"Hyung!” he called out. “Why can't I move!?"

"The sedative isn't going to wear off for a couple more hours," Woojin explained.

"Hours? No, I need it to wear off now!”

“Sorry dude, I can’t just reverse it like that.”

“Fuck!”

“Can’t you just call _____?”

“No, I have to see her in person. They deserve that much.”

Woojin ruffled his comrade’s bedhead adoringly. “Ah, young love.”

Seungmin was bed-ridden for another six hours until he was fine to move again and leave to do his ‘young love activities’, as Woojin put it. Throughout the entire six hours, he recited and played in his head all possible scripts and scenarios of what it’d be like when he saw you again, asking Woojin for some input on how likely each of them would happen.

“Scenario one is that they return my feelings and hug me ‘til I can’t breathe and maybe we kiss and live happily ever after as Spider-Man and _____.”

“Sounds fake, but ok.”

“... Scenario two is that they’re mad at me for a little while, the show goes on hiatus because it’s a little awkward, but in the end we’re together and live happily ever after as Spider-Man and _____…?

“What is with this happily ever after stuff? Do you really think it’ll be that easy?”

“No, but a man can dream.”

“Instead of dreaming about it and stressing yourself out, just wait until you actually do it. You always overthink things, it’s not good for you, dude.”

“I can’t help it ~!” the injured boy whined. “I’ve never had this problem before!”

“Neither have I, but I’m always right, so you should listen.”

Six and a half hours, a tub of ice cream, and half a box of tissues later, you were still alone in your apartment watching sappy romances to cry your eyes out to. After you ended your pop-up broadcasting, you waited by your phone hoping that the message got to Seungmin. It had to have, because there was always an alert whenever the show went live. Unless he didn’t have his phone, but that was unlikely - didn’t he need it for superhero-y Spidey things? The first hour of waiting was the worst because every time your phone rang with some notification, your heart would jump in your throat and it was hard to breathe, but it wasn’t him, it was always some listener congratulating you on your confession or that they haven’t seen Spider-Man all day. The following hours were just you wallowing in your sadness knowing that Seungmin probably wasn’t going to respond anytime soon.

A knock on your window sent the spoon in your hand flying. You clutched your startled and fragile glass heart when you saw Seungmin standing on your balcony in his torn-up suit without his mask on. Your long-time friend looked so tired - tired of hiding from you, from protecting the city, and from being a normal college kid. Your nurturing instincts silently scolded him and wished he’d just gone home to rest instead, but truthfully, you’d much rather have him here with you.

You ran to your balcony door, opened it, and jumped right into his arms.

Seungmin didn’t say anything about how you were squeezing his stitches or how he wished you weren’t crying because of him. He simply held you in his arms and stroked your hair while you buried your head in his shoulder. Your body shook as you sobbed and it damaged Seungmin’s heart to an extent he couldn’t describe, but he hoped the kisses he planted on the side of your head healed you even just a little.

After an immeasurable amount of time, you broke away, and hit his chest.

“Ow, hey! What was that for!?”

“That was for crashing into me when we first met. If I could hit you for everything that’s happened to us over the past few months, you would need more stitches.”

“... I guess I deserve that…”

“Why are you here? You should be at home resting, not flying around dressed up in this cursed suit. What if another threat pops up!? And why do you have your mask off, what if somebody saw you!? And -!!”

“Shh,” the grinning boy hushed, pulling you back in for another hug. You should be pushing him away and scolding him some more, but your body failed you and you wrapped your arms around him once more. “I am home. You’re my home.”

“Don’t pull that cheesy shit with me, Kim Seungmin, I’m not buying it.”

“I know. I’m so, so sorry.”

“You better be!”

“Do you still hate me?”

“Kind of, you ass.”

“Do you still love me?”

Your cheeks burned. “... You heard me on-air, huh?”

“I love you, too ~” he sang, showering you in little kisses.

“Ew, stop it!”

“Ha ha, you love your best friend ~”

“Shut up!”

“You love spiders ~”

“No, I don’t!”

“C’mon, kiss me. Kiss your favorite spider.”

“Kim Seungmin, you’re so gross!”

You kissed him anyways. Then, for the entire night, you both sat on your couch and made him apologize for every single thing he’s done to you as Spider-Man, from spilling your french fries (“But I bought you some the same night!” “That was Seungmin, not Spider-Man.”) to flirting with you, and to when he left without waking you up. You forgave every single incident by kissing him and Seungmin tried to think up a hundred little things to apologize for.

“I’m sorry that you fell for me twice,” he teased.

“What kind of apology is that!? And I didn’t fall for you twice!”

“Admit it, you started to really like Spider-Man.”

“No.”

“You’re so cute when you’re in denial.”

“I hate you.”

He held your face in his hands and pulled you in for another soft kiss. “I love you, too.”

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dyde21 · 5 years ago

Note

I wouldn't judge you even if you got inspiration from a Jojo Siwa poster. 😂 For the prompt maybe Percy stressing about coming home from a long day of work/college/volunteering and Annabeths conforts him.

Sorry this took forever! My attention has been drifting around a lot lately, and art and my commissions are still my first priority. But I was super inspired at 3 am so here this is!

XxXxXxXxX

The sound of her alarm going off on her phone snapped Annabeth out of her work daze. Pausing with her pencil still on the paper, she really debated ignoring it and going back to work. She had a few more ideas she could pursue, but when she glanced at the alarm and just saw “Percy.” She sighed, smiled and shut off the alarm. Grabbing a sticky note, she quickly scribbled out thumbnails for the trains of thoughts she had. A few years ago she would have easily kept working, probably for another few hours but she knew getting too distracted could be bad for her, it wasn’t always fair to Percy when she ignored him for days or even longer caught up in working. Even if he always insisted he “understood.” It was her job to be there for him too, not just the other way around.

Satisfied she wouldn’t lose any progress, grabbed her phone and headed to the kitchen. Humming to herself, she forced herself to shift her mindset. Instead of all the work she knew she still had to do, she started thinking about all the work she had done. Today had been productive, and that was fine. Her thoughts drifted to Percy as she started rummaging through the cupboards.

She didn’t normally set a “Percy” alarm, but today was special. It was his first day back from his new job, and she wanted to make sure he would be able to relax when he got home, and that she would be ready to listen to him cause she was both curious about it, and knew he’d be dying to talk to her about it. Just thinking about the way his eyes would light up when she spoke about it had her biting her lip in a small smile, already seeing those tiny laugh lines in her head when he got too excited in the middle of a story.

Humming happily now, she checked her phone once again before pulling out some chips to go with the sandwich. She had plans for a big dinner, but figured he would need something simple first if he was starving.

Putting the food out on the table, she moved over to the couch and turned on the TV, letting herself be lazy for a few minutes until she got home. Self care was important after all.

When the sound of their apartment unlocking reached her ears, her heart started pounding a bit as she awkwardly stood up. The anticipation had really made her miss Percy, as silly as it felt to her. They had woken up in each other’s arms only a few hours ago after all.

She made her way towards the door when she heard it open, smiling.

“Hey love.” She said. “I have fo-”

She paused when she saw him. His shoulders were slumped, his eyes were tired, and he looked like he had just held up the sky again. “I made food. It’s on the table.” She continued, stepping towards him.

He flashed her a tired grin as he shrugged his backpack off his shoulder, setting it against the wall. “You’re the best, you know that?” He said, his tone far too tired for her tastes.

Stepping forward, she kissed him briefly before hugging him, and he returned the hug a little too tight for normal. It was comfort hug, not a happy hug that she usually got when he got home. She just furrowed her brow as she hugged him back tighter, rubbing his back.

Eventually, after a deep breath he stepped away from her and headed to the table. He smiled, flashing her one last smile that melted her heart before he sat down and started eating the food.

Even while he ate though, his gaze was distant.

Annabeth rested a hand on her hip as she looked at him. They had been together far too long for Annabeth not to be able to read him like a book. She knew how stressed he was right now. How much something was bothering him. This was not what she was expecting when she came home from his job. Was the staff bad? Did he hate it? Was he getting himself into a bad situation? Before her mind could spiral and deeper into worried thoughts she moved over to the table. Sitting across from him, she nudged his foot under the table. “Hey. How was work?” She asked cautiously, trying to figure out the best way to approach the situation. Normally she preferred more direct approaches, but he seemed stressed and she didn’t want to accidentally get into a fight if their conversation went south when he was already stressed.

He paused mid chew. “It’s… good. Really cool. Uh… busy.” He said after finishing his bite, only half of her favorite smirk appearing on his face.

Now her boyfriend wasn’t exactly the most eloquent guy out there when it came to words, but he normally gave her more than that. Especially when coming home from a job he had put himself through college for and suffered long hours.

“I see.” Was all she said in reply, still studying him. She figured she could at least let him eat before she tried to pry apart whatever walls he was hiding behind.

Moving over to the couch, she sat down but found the TV was the last thing on her mind. Eventually Percy wandered over to her, laying on it and resting his head on her chest, nuzzling up against the crook of her neck. She hugged him close, rubbing his back reassuringly. He smelled just like the aquarium. “Is everything okay?” She asked again.

“…Yeah.” He reponded, and she felt his shoulders raise and fall in a deep breath.

“Percy…” She warned gently, knowing he knew she saw through him.

“Ighjhfjhgdfgd” He mumbled into her neck, making her raise an eyebrow. “I can’t hear you.” She offered,

He sighed, before turning his head the other way. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

She froze, as she looked down at him. The defeat in his tone was heart-breaking. Especially after how abuzz he had been the past three weeks since he was offered the position.

“What do you mean? Of course you can.” She countered. “You’ve studied for it for years.”

His arm wrapped around her a little tighter as he hugged her closer. “I know. But.. I don’t think I have what it takes. It’s… too much.”

Shifting, Annabeth sat up properly and shifted him so he was able to look her in the eyes properly. “Percy, what happened today?”

Now that he sat up, he glanced at her, before sighing and looking away, running a hand through his hair a few times that he always did when stressed before looking back at her. “I’m just being a baby. I’ll be fine.” He muttered defiantly.

Rolling her eyes, she reached out and gently turned his chin to face her. “You aren’t being a baby. You’re stressed, which is fine. But now talk to me, Percy. That’s why I’m here. What happened. What’s going on?” His eyes met hers for a moment, and the smallest smile ghosted across his face.

“It just feels like… too much. The campus is so big, there’s dozens of workers, even more animals, regulations, schedules, plans, guests. By lunch time I think I’d forgotten half of what they’d told me.” He confessed, looking depressed.

Annabeth’s heart broke seeing her husband like this.

Leaning forward, she rested her head against his. “Hey, it’s okay. Percy, you’re amazing. It’s your first day on the job at a successful aquarium. Of course there’s going to be plenty of stuff you don’t understand. No one could take it all in. But that’s okay, it will take some time but then you’ll be amazing.”

She offered.

“But… what if I can’t get it? I’ve never been good at all that stuff. I just go with the flow and improvise. But you’re the one who can do great with planning and schedules.”

Annabeth frowned. “You don’t give yourself enough credit. Don’t talk bad about my husband.” She teased before giving him another quick kiss. “You’re the one that made me stop worrying about every little plan and strategy. You’re the one that helped me relax and let my hair down. But I’m not that only one that changed. You aren’t the same little boy that blew up every school he went to. Percy, you got a freaking degree in Marine Biology! That took years of hard work and studying, but you did it! It was all you. Maybe I’ve changed you a bit too, but a schedule and staff is absolutely nothing compared to what you can handle.”

She saw his shoulders square a bit, and slowly life seemed to come back into him. “Maybe…”

“How often am I wrong?” She teased, tilting his chin up.

Her favorite trouble maker smirk crept back on his face. “I don’t want to answer that. We’re having a sweet moment so we shouldn’t start fighting.”

Laughing, Annabeth joking punched his shoulder. “Well I’m not wrong about this. In no time your dad can promote you to god of aquariums.” She teased.

For the first time Percy laughed at her dumb joke as she felt whole since he had come through that door.

“Ruler of all aquatic educational facilities. Generous to all… who pay the 24.99 entrance fee.”

Annabeth just laughed and kissed him, glad to see her seaweed brain was getting back to normal.

“For real though, I’m here for you. If you need help memorizing things or planning just let me know. I’ll help you out. But surely something good happened today.”

Percy nodded. “I guess it wasn’t all bad… You really should meet Jerry. He’s one of the walrus’ they have there…”

Annabeth just sat back, listening to him as he started to talk more about the various sea creatures he met there more than the actual people. Resting her head against her hand, seeing him so full of life, she wanted nothing more than to kiss him but she didn’t want to interrupt him. They could get to that later.

XxXxXxXxX

Thank you for reading! :D I hope it was okay! I actually kinda wanna do a oneshot now of AquariumEmployee!Percy and ArtStudent!Annabeth. Maybe. Either way thank you for the ask and anyone else can feel free to send ideas in!

If anyone is interested, check out my art commissions HERE

#percabeth #Percy Jackson #annabeth chase #pjo #Thank you for the request!#Feel free to send more in #Or check out my commissions and save me xD #For real though #I liked this one #It was cute #To me at least

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dlamp-dictator · 5 years ago

Text

You know, I wanted to talk about the fun parts of the latest Arknights event, like how Texas and Waii Fu got into a fist fight in the streets of Lungmen. I wanted to start a small essay about how Granbelm’s Anna Fugo was a great and interesting villain and how Granbelm as a who was a pretty good mecha anime. I wanted to talk about how awfully predatory AFK Arena’s gacha system is.

But before all that, I think it’s high time I actually lived up the “X” part of Allen X.

So, I hate talk about current events, namely because they heavily date my posts. As such I usually save them for my end-of-the-year pieces that are dated by design. However, I don’t think I can quietly watch a lot of what’s going on in my country without at least addressing its existence.To be silent is to be compliant after all. I’ll try and keep this as brief as I can, but no promises.

But like most of my Ramblings, some background.

As of me writing this, the date is May 31st, 2020. For those unaware, a George Floyd has been killed by a police officer via strangulation a while back. As sad as it is for me to say, this is honestly nothing new in America. Racial discrimination and prejudice by law enforcement is, frankly, older than this country. However, this seems to have been the tipping point, as several states and larger cities have erupted into mass protest. For most of my research and feed searching, the protest have been mostly peaceful, and a lot of the violence has seemed to be done by White Nationalist groups like the Proud Boys and the KKK in an attempt to smear the peaceful protests, even by a few police officers.

My small town is as quiet as ever, but the world around me has exploded.

I’m usually seen as a quiet and thoughtful person for the most part in real life. I think only a handful of my friends actually know my temper can get razor thin in times of stress, and this has been a pretty stressful time for me. So... I’ll break this down as thoroughly as I can. I’ll try and stay calm and professional as I usually am in most of my ramblings, but I can’t make promises on that.

But let’s get to the first point.

Things are Scary

Something I was going to save for a future Art/Writing rambling, but I don’t think enough people have been admitting that things are very scary right now. In the same vein that I don’t think enough people admit art and writing is hard, I don’t think enough people, enough people with actual pull to their words, are admitting that, yes, things are very scary right now as of May 31st 2020.

In January we had a political situation that nearly started War World 3. In February we had the announcement of a global virus that is still just as contagious and deadly as it was then, and possibly was running about by late December. In either March or April I believe had major flooding in the state of Michigan, and now it seems we’re going to end May with civil rights protests where police and military are attacking protesters seemingly unprovoked.

And this is all very scary.

I know my words don’t have the same weigh as a celebrity or a political figure, but I feel that validation of basic human emotion is the key to coming to an understanding, so I’ll say again: this is all scary stuff. It feels like as my world continues to turn uninterrupted while the world around me is just turning more and more to ash. It’s like being in a safe haven while watching people run from a fire slowly approaching, and it’s scary. It’s outright terrifying. And I think it’s important to admit this and accept this. You can be afraid, you can say you’re afraid, you can cry and worry about how scary things are. Accepting those feelings is important, just don’t let them control you.

That said.

Allen X’s Take on Things

Here’s what I can say so far.

A lack of police accountability has be a fact of life here in the US for years, decades even.

The police have far more power than we give them credit for.

While many of my dealings with police have been good, I get the feeling I’m the exception to the rule.

Our current federal leadership has been nothing short of ignorant, arrogant, and domineering toward not only minorities, but the general population.

Supporters of this leaderships are, frankly, remarkably ignorant at best, and criminally dangerous at worst.

We have reached a point were basic health regulations such as wearing masks in the middle of a global pandemic is now a partisan issue. This is bad.

We have reached a point where more police accountability during a time of global pandemic is now politically divisive. This is also bad.

I could go on, but these are the most pressing thoughts I have on our current situation and the nicest I can be about this topic while maintaining an air of professionalism. Like I said, things are scary. The more I look into things, the worse I feel about the state of this country. The only positive thing I can say is that it should all be over once election day comes.

Now, here’s something else I’d like to state.

Allen X is Black

I never enjoy talking about my ethnicity on the internet. As someone who talks more about video games, anime, manga, and general niche “otaku” media, I feel like my ethnicity and race rarely play a role in my opinion of Asian media, as I’d always be viewing it as an outsider regardless. However, with this topic I feel I should at least state that there is a reason I use X as a stand-in for my pseudo last name. It was originally the name of an old self-insert OC, Allen X. Walker, but when I realized Allen Walker was already taken, I just left it to Allen X. A cheeky nod to both how a lot of only aliases of the early 2000s had “X” as a stand-in to keep original names, and a to my ethnicity, riffing on Malcom X, who used that letter as a stand-in for the last name our ancestors had stolen when taken to the US by force to work the plantations.

As I said, my race is rarely relevant to what I cover, but it does effect my everyday life. I get nervous when I say on my application sheets that I’m Black, wondering if that’d be a black mark. I get twitchy whenever I do my laps around my predominately white neighborhood, wondering if I’d get snide looks and sneers. I get agitated whenever anyone uses the n-word due to it never meaning anything positive in my past. I annoyed when people assume I’m either British or from the UK due to my not having the typical accent of most Black people since I lived in a white neighborhood for most of my life and took speech classes as a child to speak “normally”. Hell, I was bullied by the Black seniors in my high school as a Freshman for not being “Black enough”. And more recently, I was kicked out of the neighborhood I do my rollerblading laps in because that neighborhood suddenly became “private property” when some new neighborhoods moved in. New neighbors that are fine with me being ran over by a car, but not “trespassing” on their sidewalks.

Needless to say, I am very familiar with racism and prejudice. It doesn’t effect me as badly as the folks in the south and especially where these protests are, but I am familiar with it. And when I see these videos and tweets of the violence and police brutality, the anger of the people, it’s terrifying. It terrifying that this is real and is happening just a few states down south of me, and possible one state north of me. It’s terrifying that all this is happening so brazenly and with very few people in our system of government, at least at the executive level, doing anything about. And it’s terrifying that I’m not seeing this on too many major news channels and sites. That’s partially due to me rarely looking up the news aside from headlines, but most major places I’ve seen, save for maybe CNN, really haven’t been talking much about it, not as much as I’d like anyway. It’s all just a lot to take in, and those nervous moments I have due to my ethnicity start to make me shake with fear some days now.

But... I need to move on to the next topic, for the sake of my sanity.

What Must be Said

Like before, I feel like there are things that must be said. To be silent is to be compliant, and while my own position in life is a little to fragile to break out the picket signs and parade the streets, I will at least use my online voice to state what I feel must be stated, if only to say what I do and don’t agree with.

With that said:

Injustices by the police and general law enforcement must be given accountability.

The murder of innocent minority, racial or otherwise, is wrong and must be given the proper punishments.

The lack of care toward healthcare, workers’ rights, civil rights, and so on must be ratified.

Law enforcement should never be seen as or used as a force of fear as it currently is now.

And during a health pandemic like we are now, safety should be a prime concern before anything else. For the police to be acting as they are now makes me fearful of the future.

The fact that I have to say any of that, the fact that any of that is controversial is appalling. The fact that a simple hashtag like #blacklivesmatter is controversial is appalling. The fact that I even hesitated to write that hashtag to maintain professionalism is appalling. It sickens me a little to live in a country where any of that is said, written, or typed with a hint of hesitation or worry. It’s just... so appalling.

That’s all I have to say on this subject, at least in this tone. My purer, more raw thoughts I’ll save for my friends and family in private.

But... I think that leaves us with one question left before I end this. Which is...

How Did We Get Here?

Folks, I am a knowledgeable man, but I don’t consider myself an intelligent one. I didn’t study years of the underlying racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, Islamophobia, and antisemitism that lead to our situation.

However... I am very sarcastic and sharp-tongued man. I don’t show that side of myself often here on the internet aside from jokes and jabs at nonsensical things like anime, as it breaks my typical persona of an analytical and professional man, but I think I can sum up what’s happening by paraphrasing single quote that I feel many of the wrong people have used to justify their own feelings of injustices. So with that said:

What do you get when you cross an abused and patient minority with a society that abandons them and treats them like trash?

“I’ll tell you what you get. You get what you fucking deserve.”

Anyway, ideally I’ll have a much happy topic to talk about later this week. Like Arknights. Like I said in the beginning, A former mafia delivery girl got into a fist fight with a kung fu detective, a lot of fun things happened in the latest event.

#your dictator is speaking

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szopenhauer · 4 years ago

Text

Where do you put your keys when you get home? personal

Have you ever seen a snake in the wild? one from far away on the sand when I was on camp and second time it was just dead and not even whole anymore, I wanna touch a snake!

What’s your favourite movie from the 80s? can’t choose only one

Are you expecting any phone calls or emails? not really

Do you have any family that live in another country? no one close

Are there any words that you hate or make you cringe? sure

What is the best house you’ve ever lived in? I’ve lived in one house only unless I can count some I stayed for awhile like grandma’s apartment or aunt’s cottage

What movie reminds you of your childhood? many movies like Jumanji or Goonies

What was the last email you received? spam

Are you in any fb groups? I am

Whose house did you last visit? my gf’s

How many tabs do you have open right now? 5

What’s something you’ve been meaning to do but keep putting off? I procrastinate lots of stuff

What’s the first thing you check on your phone at the start of the day? fb messanger/time

Would you date someone who still lived with their parents? I still live with my parents Do you think there is life on other planets? not those close to us

Would you enjoy a night of playing video games? maybe Do you dream of traveling the world or are you happy where you are? I’m not happy but I don’t want to travel Would you watch a porno with your partner? hmm... Have you ever stolen from your work? no Do you own any sex toys? I don’t How often do you use facebook at work? depends Would you date someone half your age? that would be illegal and I wouldn’t want to anyway Are you a romantic person? a little? Would you be okay with your partner hanging with their ex as friends? I probably wouldn’t be Do you have a current passport? never had a passport Is it more fun to go out just with your date or on a group date? just my date Have you had a relationship with someone of the same sex? as a lesbian Is marriage a necessity for two people who love each other? no but it’s nice Is there anything you think science will never be able to explain? possibly Is intoxication ever an acceptable excuse for acting stupid? if you can’t act normal then don’t drink, UGH! Do you litter? never Do you believe in fate or destiny? not sure Doing nothing all day makes you feel…? both good and bad Have you ever had sex with someone you worked with? I have not Would you date someone just for the sex? noooo Do you consider yourself a positive person? pfft Are Sex and Intimacy the same thing? sex is to intimacy like square to rectangles How often do you get angry? I’m like Bruce Banner Have you had cosmetic surgery? I haven’t On a first date do you pay or do they? split Do you only date people who have jobs or are full-time students? I don’t care what they do in life (school, job or nothing) if we don’t live together, I’m unemployed myself Could you date someone who does drugs? doubt it Do you enjoy watching sports? nah Would you do a striptease for your partner? umm... Would you date someone who doesn’t have a car? sure, I don’t even own one You have a week off, travel or stay home? home <3 Does spending the weekend at home annoy you? noooo Do you consider yourself open minded? nah Do others find you sexy? r u kidding?... Have you ever met someone in person you met online? I have Do you tell your friends you love them? nope, just family and partner

Do your siblings dye their hair? sometimes Who can you best relate to in the last book you read? partially to Will, Stella and Poe Are you indecisive? it’s hard for me to make a decision but I am not changing my mind like wind blows

What are you listening to? Lana Del Rey What are you doing tomorrow? we’ll see What was the last compliment someone gave you? not sure which was last Do you have a big family? no but it’s still to big for me :x Which one of your senses would you miss the most if you lost it? sight, then hearing

What’s your opinion on prostitution? Should it be legal and regulated, or is it something that needs to be gotten rid of completely? it should be illegal If you want (or don’t want) kids, is this something you’ve always known or have you changed your mind as you’ve grown up? I wanted kids at first because I played dolls and didn’t know anything about pregnancy or taking care of real children, I just thought it’s normal everyone have them at some point and that’s all but once I found out more about the subject I realized it’s not for me because of many reasons

Has the person you like ever seen you in your pajamas? yup Did the last person you kissed celebrate your last birthday with you? she wasn’t in my life at the time What’s the first word of the last text message you received? ok was the whole message XD

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I’m gonna die, if I won’t fall asleep I’ll explode, I feel so bad Are you okay right now? am I ever?... When was the last time you saw your mom? we’re home together What is the last thing you drank today? just going to drink some water in the kitchen Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow? hope not What are you listening to right now? Cigarettes after sex Last time you had a sleepover? ages ago If the last person you dated said they were in love with you, what would you say? I know she does, she was telling me that already Do you replay things that have happened in your head? overthinking for life If you could get paid to do anything in the world, what would you do? sitting in front of the computer Do your parents actually knock on your door before entering your room or just barge right in, instead? my dad knocks, my mom barges in What would you do if it snowed right now? ...

Are you more of a leader or a follower? loner

Would you say you’ve had a good life so far? no comment What’s something you wish you could have delivered to your house? regularly or right now? What’s your favorite art style? surrealism? Are any of your coworkers currently out on maternity/paternity leave? I don’t have coworkers now Do you have a good sense of balance? it’s hard to say Do you live in a very racially and culturally diverse country? no Do you live alone? I wish

Have you done something recently that helped someone else, in any way? nothing big If you knew that one of your friends was considering suicide, what would you say to them? depends

Who was the last person to pay you a compliment? my gf The shirt you’re wearinh - is it one of your favourites? yep Is there a certain name that you think seems to have become really popular, and you know lots of people with that same name? growing up Ewelina, Julia, Emilia, Katarzyna, Urszula, Małgorzata and Michał were the most popular names Before Facebook became popular, did you use any other social networking site? yup Have you ever asked anyone “Do you love me?” If so, did you get the response you wanted? Do you think when someone says “I love you”, you feel obliged to say it back? yes, usually and kinda If you’ve had a bad experience in a past relationship, did you find that you were scared to get into another relationship, in case the same thing happened again? that’s normal Are you friends with the last person you hugged, or something more? we’re related Do you ever post song lyrics as your Facebook status? sometimes Do you drink alcohol on a regular basis, or do you prefer to save it for special occasions? I don’t drink even on special occassions Did you play with Barbies when you were a kid, or did you prefer something else? I played with Barbies but not only them If you were going to buy a present for the person you love/like, what would you generally choose? what she likes/wants/needs :) If I’m going to buy you a box of chocolates, which kind should I definitely NOT get? don’t buy me any Is there something you generally always ask for help with? I need help with many things :( Has anyone called you beautiful today? no, I’m not so that would be a lie

Who was the last person to see you cry? my mother

Do you drink bottled water? sometimes

You never know what you have until it’s gone. True or false? kinda true

Are you scared of losing the person you like to someone else? if they were happy with someone else - let that happen, I’ll be fine alone

Will you be in bed in the next 20 minutes? too early to sleep

Do you laugh at inappropriate times? rarely

How many bracelets do you have on right now? zero

Do you have someone you have late night conversations with? I do

What does your phone do when it receives a text? vibrates

What is in your pocket? no pockets!

Can you remember the last person you texted without looking? my sister

Do you listen to music everyday? almost

Are you gonna be home alone tonight? I won’t be alone

If there was a large spider in your room, would you stay in the room? how big?

Are you a flirty person? maybe The last store you went to was…? local

Do you have a friend named Alex? used to What did you think of the movie Juno? I have mixed feelings about it How often do you eat meat? often Have you ever gotten clothes from the kids section as an adult? I have :x Are you more of a science/math person or english/history person? I’m artsy When you were little, would you have rather watched Cartoon Network or Disney Channel? we didn’t have such expensive channels Since using the internet regularly, have you started to read less than you used to? I read less not because of internet Are you a big fan of the Harry Potter series? nah Do you find yourself feeling lazier when the weather is warm? I feel lazier when the weather is cold because I don’t wanna leave my bed or home at least Are you a fan of the TV show Friends? watched fragments and I like Chandler and Phoebe - I think they would be great together, I’m a bit like them How old do you think is too old to sleep with a stuffed animal? never Are you 100% over the last person you kissed? I’m not How many tattoos would you like to have? I don’t plan any Are you over the age of 25? I am Do you want your life to stay the way it is right now forever? omg! I want my life to get better :( Would you rather live without music or without the t.v? without TV

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surveys-at-your-service · 5 years ago

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Survey #254

“i hate that it seems you were never enough; we were broken and bleeding, but never gave up.”

What’s the best gift you’ve ever gotten? My late dog Teddy. Well technically, it was a container of puppy chow behind the tree, but in essence, him. Has there ever been a person you regret ever being friends with? I don't think so? Do you think you have a good understanding of love? Yes. What do you want to do on your honeymoon? Relax and enjoy quality time w/ my spouse somewhere great. Do you think Medical Marijuana should be legalized? Yes. If you were forced to dye your hair another color, what color would you get? At this current time, silver. What do you think of your parent(s)? I love them, a lot. Who do you talk to on the phone most often? Actually talk, Mom. But I text Sara more. What’s a song that makes you feel happy? Uhhh "</code>" by MIW came to me first. What celebrity would you like to meet? M-M-M-mARk What is your favorite clothing store? I can't really say. I like Hot Topic's content most, but they're really not all that broad in size range, so it seems unfair to say them. What’s a good idea you’ve had recently? Hell if I know, I don't make those. Do you like to wear high heels? No. What are you most excited about right now? Nothing. Would you like to live in a different country? If so which one? Honestly, if it didn't mean leaving Mom behind, I'd go to Canada by now. Recent events have me fucking livid with America's healthcare system. What’s your favorite song from a movie? Like, it was made for the movie? Man, I dunno. Probably something off Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron, though. The soundtrack is magical. Where would you like to volunteer? Realistically, I don't know. A zoo would be incredible, but I handle heat incredibly poorly and also canfuckingnot pick up feces or touch vomit. So, that takes a big chunk out of what volunteers can do there. What’s the last song you listened to? "Another Life" by MIW is on repeat right now and I need to turn it the fuck off because I'm in a bad PTSD episode. Do you like being alone? Sometimes, yes, but not for too long. How do you find new music? YouTube recommendations, usually. What’s your favorite city? I don't have a favorite. I've only ever once been to an even remotely impressive one: Chicago. What’s the last YouTube video you watched? Some tarantula one. I'm fucking addicted to tarantulas now and need a Mexican red knee like now. Once we (hopefully) move, I'm gonna at least try talking Mom into it. Where are you going on your next trip? I don't know. If you had to make a six-hour cross-country journey, would you rather take the train, fly or drive? How come? Fly, if I had the window seat. It's relaxing. How long do your earphones tend to last before the connection goes and you have to replace them? Considering I'm like, constantly using them, Mom says they die fast, judging by how frequently I let her know I need a new pair. She got me a big box of them for Christmas, even. I've got one extra pair left. If you could dye your hair any color in the world, assuming it would look perfect with your coloring, what would you pick and why? Pastel pink bc aesthetic. Are you a fan of musicals? If you are, what ones have you seen live and which ones would you like to see? No. Have you ever had to give up something you were addicted to? Did you actually succeed? Yes. Have you ever had to work (or study) with someone that you really didn’t get along with? How did you deal with it (ignoring them, being nice, etc.)? Maybe at some point, idk. Have you ever had any problems with your wisdom teeth, or have they been taken out already? No. Which one of your senses would you miss the most if you lost it? Hearing, probably. That'd feel so lonely. Do you find your mood changes when you’re hungry or tired? Does eating or sleeping automatically cure you of a bad mood? I can definitely become irritable if I'm extremely hungry and/or tired. Sleeping helps me with a lot of problems, lmao. What’s the stupidest fight you’ve ever gotten into? Did you make up with that person or did you end up losing them over it? Oh idk. Probably something RP-related as a kid. Have you ever gotten really bad travel sickness? Has this put you off travelling or going by certain modes of transport in case it happens again? No, thankfully. What’s your opinion on prostitution? Should it be legal and regulated, or is it something that needs to be gotten rid of completely? I don't support it. Just leaving it at that. If it was a case of prostitution or being evicted from your home, which option would you pick (assuming you’d tried everything else to make money first)? Evict me. Morally, prostituting would kill me. I have family who thankfully I know would let me stay with them. Are you into piercings and tattoos? If not, do you judge people who are, and vice versa? Hell yeah, so I obviously don't judge people who are. What’s your opinion on places like Seaworld? Do you think keeping whales and dolphins in such small enclosures is cruel or a necessary evil? First: I'm not very educated on how similar *all* Seaworlds are. But in regards to keeping whales, it's inhumane as all fuck. They are WAY too big to be held in such a small space for our goddamn amusement. I support zoos who do what they do for conservation and educational purposes, but from my memory of Seaworld, that's not their primary concern. Who is one person that you no longer hang out with? Why did that association end? My former best friend. There's a novel on why I don't associate with her anymore, but the top reason would be she's just a drama magnet that does no wrong. Wonders why her life is so insane and tumultuous while never looking into herself as the potential reason. What was the last item you put into your pants pocket? I don't really wear pants with pockets, but I'm sure in the last case, it woulda been my phone or money. Who was the last person to endanger your life, whether it was accidentally or intentionally? Well I'm certain it was accidental, but idk what the most recent situation would be. What was the last thing you started over on? Job searching, I guess. What was the last task that you completed? Does eating breakfast count? Esp. when you really didn't want it but needed it? Have you ever failed at something extremely important to you? If yes, what? Ah, what a timely question. I dropped out of school for the third fucking time a few days back. When was the last time that you wanted time to move faster? Last night in my regular routine of waking up in the middle of the night twice/thrice. I sleep so poorly that I just want the morning to come at some point so it's "normal" for me to be up. ^Slower? Hm. I dunno. I don't have much reason to want time to slow lately. When was the last time you felt impatient with someone? Currently w/ Mom, but it's at a low level and probably isn't fair feeling impatient in the first place. Who was the last person that you called a “bitch”? I don't know. Probably playfully, anyway. ^Who, if anyone, was the last person to address you by that term? I also don't know. When was the last time you questioned whether or not you were making the right decision? Every time I make one lmao. Has a boy-/girlfriend ever suggested that you might want to lose some weight, or that it might make you look better? lol wow no. What is your idea of “too big” when it comes to weight? Once it comes to a point of infringing on your ability to function normally. ^How about “too thin”? Same as ^, really, it just goes in the opposite direction. Have you ever experienced an overly clinging boy-/girlfriend? Yeah, we lasted two weeks lmao. What is the most annoying thing your family members do on a daily basis, if anything? I only live with Mom, and she doesn't regularly do annoying stuff. With which family member do you get along with the least? The best? Least, my grandma. We've gotten kinda better though now that she's dying. Best, Mom. ^Why do you think that you don’t get along well with that family member? We have very, very averse beliefs and standards. Who is someone that you wish would be there for you more often? My sisters, honestly. Shit's going on with them, I always reach out to let them know I'm here. Something's wrong with me, I never hear a word. Have you ever felt like someone abandoned you? If yes, explain? BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH- How often do you find that you are bored? Daily, nearly at all times. This is gonna sound pathetic, but I tend to be so bored so regularly that I experience passively suicidal thoughts now and again because I just feel being dead would almost be more exciting. That's something I'll never act on, but yeah. I have mega bad anhedonia. What activity has the best chance of holding your attention for a long period of time? Hm. Playing a game, maybe. Or if I'm watching a really good video on YT. Have you ever decided that you like/dislike someone based on their survey answers? Yup. What previews did you see at the last movie you saw in theaters? Hell if I remember. How many things are you a fan of on Facebook? Wow, a fucking lot. Back in the day I would "like" lots of those pages that just had funny/relatable names, and man does it pay off (usually) now. I Got The Memes. Do you have more friends on Myspace or Facebook? Probably Facebook? I don't really remember the friending process on MySpace besides the "top 8" thing that destroyed friendships, lmao. Have you ever been to a movie that sold out? Maybe? Idk. Have you ever been to a midnight movie? One. What’s your state’s weather usually like this time of year? Too fucking hot. Do you get those leg cramps in the middle of the night? No. What movie last made you too scared to go to sleep? *shrug* Is your cell phone a qwerty (full keyboard) or no? Yeah. What was the last website you logged onto (besides the one you’re on)? PetSmart to apply for a position as pet trainer. I hate chain pet stores, but whatever, I'm desperate. What’s your home page? Google. Do you have split ends? No. When you’re on a laptop, do you hook up a mouse or use the touchpad? I prefer to have a mouse. If you’re learning a language, what year are you in? I'm not anymore. Do you think you’re done growing or will you grow a couple more inches? I'm sure I'm done. What’s your mom’s mom’s name? Cecelia. Have you ever encountered a creepy neighbor? OKAY at my old place where I used to ride my bike all the time, there was this old man way down the road that liked to talk to me but he creeped me out so much that I started turning back before I got in sight of his place. Do you like the foam soap or the liquidy soap? Foam. Do you tend to lean towards bright colors or more subtle colors? Bright. Do you use British spelling even though you’re not British? No; I even change it in surveys a lot, lol. When was the last time you attended a barbecue? I don't have a clue. I don't like them. Can you handle movies involving lots of bugs and insects? Yeah. Are you borrowing books from anybody at the moment? No. What is one similarity between your parents? Christ... they seem incomparable by this point. Do you keep scissors in your kitchen? If so, where? Yes, in the drawer beside the fridge. When was the last time you used a payphone and who were you calling? I've never used one. Have you met everyone who lives on your street? No. Do you have a boyfriend? No. When did you last write out your name? Recently for something at school. Do you like being kissed on the neck? Yeah. What friend can you tell everything to? Sara. Would you be shocked if the last person you had feelings for texted you? No. What if you had a baby with the last person you texted? We're both cis females so physically can't. And neither of us want kids. Who knows your biggest secrets? Mom, Sara, Jason. Do you have any hickeys on you? No. Is there anyone you wish you could fix things with? Yeah. Who is someone that puts up with you no matter what? My mom. When was the last time you cried? Two days ago I sobbed for a good while. Can you honestly say you’re okay right now? Not really. Is there a girl you would do anything for? Anything? No. Is there a boy you would do anything for? No. Who IMed you on Facebook last? My friend Ian, but I haven't read it yet. What color was the last swimsuit you wore? Black. Have you ever been to an auto show? Yooo I remember as a kid, my family went with our friends to a monster truck show, I think it was? I was so not digging it and wanted to go home the whole time. What was the last thing you cooked for dinner? I had one of those Banquet microwavable dinners last night. Spicy chicken and mac 'n cheese. It's fuckin GOOD and really filling. Do you live in the city/town you were born in? No. Have you slept for longer than usual today? No, I slept terrible. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? No. Have you consumed alcohol today? If so, what? No. What’s your go-to website when you’re really bored? YouTube is my general go-to. Who was the main cook of your Thanksgiving meal last year? My sister. Do you have a passport? If so, how many stamps do you have in it? No. Have you ever been dumped really harshly? WHEEZE Have you ever taken classes for a musical instrument? Yes. Have you ever been on vacation with someone other than your family? Yeah. Do you live with your parents? With my mom. Can you do a blackflip, or anything else of that sort? No. What moment in your life have you been most scared? The night of the breakup, particularly when Mom dragged me back inside and I just literally melted. Do you have any exes you can’t stand anymore? What happened to cause you to feel that way about them? No. Do you ever make your own surveys, or just take them? I just take them. Have you ever actually thought you were pregnant? Were you? Yes, but it was entirely illogical, so I obviously wasn't. Anxiety and being terrified of pregnancy is fun. Are you more of a phone or a computer person? Computer. Do you like to cook, or do you prefer when other people cook for you? I don't cook. How old do you think you’ll be when you move out on your own? Who the fuck knows anymore. Do you have a job? If so, where do you work? If not, do you want one? No; yes. Have you ever ripped your pants in public? I don't think so? Do movies such as Saw and The Grudge scare you easily? No. How many best friends do you have? What are their names? One; Sara. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever been dared to do? Did you do it? No clue. Can you drive? I mean I can, but I'm terrified of it, and my permit is expired anyway. What do you consider to be a good grade? What do you consider to be a bad grade? B; C and below. Have you ever had a teacher who hated you? No. Can you remember who your grade 5 teacher was? Did you like them? Yes, I adored them both. Do you know anybody that has severe allergies? Multiple people. Who was the last person you slow danced with? laskdjflka;jwe What’s your favourite song at the moment? Ah shit man idk. Do you prefer headphones or earbuds? Earbuds. Headphones aggravate my ears. Do you ever ride the city bus? How much does it cost you? We don't even have one here. How do you get to school? N/A What is the last book you read? Did you enjoy it? The first Wings of Fire book, and yes, very much. Do you scream out the answers while watching game shows on TV? Scream, no. I'll say them sometimes, though. Who in your life do you care about more than yourself? Mom, Sara. Jason, probably, as much as I hate to admit that. Would you ever consider adopting a child with a severe mental illness? HYPOTHETICALLY, if I even wanted kids, yes. I'm very empathetic and care a shitload about mental health, so I think I'd be a very good cheerleader for them. Which wild animal would you most like to have as a pet? Again hypothetically, a meerkat, but I DO NOT support them as pets and get very upset when I see them as such. What bill do you hate paying the most? I don't have any. When is the last time you got drunk and danced on a bar? Never. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you, who and where would it be? Sara to the mountains of NC. Favorite non-sexual thing to do with girl/boy? Play games together. Who from high school would you like to run in to? A handful of people.

#survey #quiz #questions #personal

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kanaships · 5 years ago

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Student council president! Tokiya x Rule breaker! Kanade

"Using this triangle sin(35°) = OppositeHypotenuse = 2.84.9 = 0.57..." The sound of his voice was soothing. It was such a beautiful mellow tone that I didn't bother listening to the words he was saying. I stared blankly at his pen as he pointed to figures in the book. My eyelids started to feel heavy as my mind faded in and out of consciousness. "....llo?" A faint voice asked. "Miyamoto-san, I would appreciate if you would keep yourself from sleeping while I'm trying to tutor you in detention." The sudden harshness in his voice woke me up completely. His icy blue eyes stared into mine for a second until I realized just how close he actually was. I quickly backed away, maybe overreacting a bit as I stood up and let my chair fall behind me. It didn't matter either way. We were the only people in the room. Just the student council president and the somewhat delinquent in detention. I wasn't a complete delinquent of course, but I happen to break a lot of the minor rules of our strict school. Things like having my hair down, having earrings, altering my uniform, minor crimes. At first it was more of an accident but ever since I ran into him I would do it more and more often. Truly the prince of the school. He was smart, decently athletic and easy on the eyes. The teachers loved him for being an iron fisted ruler of the school, only second to the principal who depended on him to take care of the school instead of interjecting himself in student affairs. Tokiya was a third year, transfering in as a second year. I was invisible during my first year, following all the rules in fear of getting in trouble but now it was all I did. It was when he started reprimanding me himself that I started to do it more often. I hated to admit it but I really liked him and this was the only way I could see myself being able to get closer to him. He even took the time to tutor me and watch over me himself to make sure that I was using my time wisely in the 2 hours I had to stay after.

"Come on Tokki, we've been over this a million times! I'm getting bored of it!" And his soothing voice wasn't helping the boring lecture either. He frowned and stood up, him being a couple feet taller them me.

"I have told you to refer to me properly." I stuck my tongue out at him uttering some curses. He took me into his arms, one hand around my waist and the other tilting my face up to look at a sadistic smirk. "Come on, let me hear you call me Ichinose-senpai~" I couldn't help my face from becoming red at his patronizing tone. That and the fact that his nose was practically touching my own. His arm was wrapped firmly around my waist, so wiggling out of his grasp wasn't an option. Why did I want to escape either way? I liked him. I wanted to be close to him but it was too much and too embarrassing for me to handle. My whole body could only stare back at him with pure embarrassment painted on my face. His hand that was formerly resting on my chin slid up, framing my face for a bit, before holding up the strands of hair covering my face. "You really should tie your hair up more. Not only is it school regulation..." he paused as he brought the hair up to his lips and kissed it. "...but it also covers up your lovely face."

"I-...Ichinose-senpai..." His smirk became a satisfied one. Finally he let go of me, sat back down and started lecturing me again as if nothing happened. I was aghast. Yes I would sometimes flirt with him as a joke and as a cover up for my own feelings, and yes sometimes he would respond back, most of the time unamused, but nothing ever like this. Eventually my time in detention was over and I quickly grabbed my stuff.

"Let me walk you home. Because of special circumstances, everyone has gone home already." I looked out the window to see the sun starting to set as well. I didn't live too far but I knew it was far enough that it would be dark when I got home. A part of me wanted to flat out reject him, not wanting to let him see my homelife or path towards so. Yet the other half of me wanted to let him since I was kinds scared of what might happen in the dark on my own. I didn't answer him and just left the classroom, rushed to put my shoes on and left the campus. To little surprise he was right beside me the entire time. We got to the station and sat next to eachother as the train was slightly empty and allowed us to do so, even if we were squished together. His hand landed on my hand held it tightly as he looked beside me and into the crowd standing on the train. I didn't look back but just looked at him in surprise. "Don't let go." The tone of his voice was completely different from the smile he was quite forcibly wearing. I just looked down at my feet and let him do as he pleased. It wasn't hurting and it fed my fantasies, so really what was the harm? One long train ride and 3 stops later, I finally stood up and got off, Tokiya still holding my hand and sticking closely beside me. We walked out of the station, still holding hands. At this point my face was starting to burn. I kept walking to my house, getting some looks from strangers to what they probably assumed was my hot boyfriend. As much as I didn't want them to be wrong, they were, but the embarrassment just kept rising. Finally we got to my house, or well, we got to my apartment.

"You can go now. This is were I live. Now you know." I started to take my keys out of my bag, having to let go of his hand. It felt wrong to do so, holding onto it for such a long time. My hand felt cold and empty but I continued to open my door.

"Are your parents home? Since we're here I might as well speak to them about your behavior at school." I paused for a minute.

"My parents... are abroad... I live by myself." My voice wavered a bit since it wasn't exactly the truth. The night sky and the twinkling stars in the background made him shine even more as I looked at him from my door.

"...I...See..." I turned to my apartment, then turned back to at least thank him for bringing me all the way to my home, even though I don't understand why he did so. As I turned and started to look up at him, I was enveloped with a warm feeling. I wasn't staring at him but rather some of the side of his face and directly at the night sky. The warm feeling stemmed from my lips and I finally realized there was something soft and warm against them. He pulled away with a smile at my shocked face. "Please come to school properly tomorrow. Good night." I watched as he starred to walk away. My mind was both empty and flooded with thoughts. I found myself absentmindedly throwing my chapstick at him in angry embarrassment.

"YA DON'T JUST KISS SOMEONE WITHOUT TELLING 'EM WHY Y'KNOW!" He only smiled and grabbed the chapstick I had thrown at him, looking at it closely.

"I knew I recognized the flavor. Strawberry. It's nice." He smiled and put it in his pocket, walking away.

"Hey Hey! Kana-chan!" My group of friends ran up to me the next day, eagerness in their voices.

"Is it true that the President walked you home yesterday?! Someone said they saw you on the train together!"

"Plus, you're not dressed like usual. You're actually wearing your uniform correctly and aren't wearing anything extra."

"Is it because of the president?!"

"Kana-chan!! Tell us! Tell us!!" My face started to burn remembering the events of last night.

"I-I mean... yes he walked me home... B-BUT NOT BECAUSE I WANTED HIM TO!" My friends quickly got a confused look. "H-He just followed me home! Okay?!"

"And it's a good thing I did." The same smooth voice I was so used to hearing suddenly came from behind me and made me jump. He smiled at me and at all of my friends, greeting them all. "I see you've dressed properly this morning. I'm glad that I won't have to add on more detentions to the ones you already have." He smirked as he came closer towards me. "Although I don't mind being in a room alone with you that much. I think I displayed that very well last night." As my face got red, my friends truly went silent for a second. Tokiya left, obviously proud of the small chaos he left behind.

"KANA-CHAN, ARE YOU AND THE PRESIDENT DATING?!" The whole school apparently heard that one question and I was suddenly the president's girlfriend. Even though I wasn't quite against people thinking so I would have rather had him ask me himself then to cause such a commotion.

"The chemical formula is C8H11NO2+C10H12N2O+C43H66N12O12S2 dopamine, seratonin, oxytocin..." once again his voice started to fade out as he continued to explain things I had already learned in class. "Kanade, please pay attention."

"I am paying attention Tokkiー" the realization hit late. "DID YOU JUST CALL ME BY MY FIRST NAME WITHOUT HONORIFICS?!" He looked genuinely and almost innocently confused.

"You're my girlfriend. Typically couples refer to each other by first name." I couldn't say a word back. My fantasies were becoming reality and I was dating the student council president. I was lost in my thoughts when a sudden quick peck on my lips brought me back to focus on his face. "I'll give you a kiss for each answer you get right so pay attention alright?" His lips tasted like strawberries.

#utapri au #utapri #Ichinose Tokiya

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giantpredatorymollusk · 6 years ago

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This is a story about farming. It is quite long. I think it may be worth reading anyway, but unfortunately I have no way to prove it. I’ve also tried my best but I still don’t know if it actually makes perfect sense in every way? But it did all actually happen; so it all kind of has to make at least a little bit of sense, even if doesn’t really seem like it.

The trouble all started in 1901, when my great great grandfather emigrated to the United States from the modern-day Czech Republic and later, in 1911, bought a 90-acre farm there. Many years later, most of that farm came to belong to my grandfather, and roughly 10 years back he retired from his job selling tires at the tire store and started making the 40 mile drive north to the farm to spend his summer days there and plant a garden (in the area that wasn’t already rented out to be planted with soybeans.) Not long after that, he had enough produce to start selling stuff at a nearby farmers’ market in an upscale town, physically not far from the farm, although psychogeographically immensely distant from that chunk of desolate, isolated, fairly representative rural Ohio.

I was dragged in in the summer of 2015, from the end of June to the beginning of July, mostly pounding stakes into the ground so that the roughly 1000-1500 tomato plants that my grandfather had planted that year (with occasional help from my grandmother and uncle) could be tied up between them and the fruit wouldn’t lay on the ground and rot easily. I hated it there (in fairness, I probably would’ve hated anything that involved leaving the house during that time in my life) and when my dad got me out of it (by hiring me to help him paint a house) I quickly divested myself of the money I’d received there to wash my hands of the place and resolved never to go back. My dad was never in favor of me going to the farm, knowing as he did that the work could be dangerous (operating old, large, and unreliable tractors and backhoe with minimal training or safety precautions; running large, dangerous power saws in creative ways without the proper guards, gear, or safety precautions, mostly to put points on stakes; operating saws in an unsafe manner while standing in the raised bucket of the old and unreliable backhoe in order to trim trees; etc) and probably also suspected that I personally (especially then) was fairly vulnerable to being psychologically manipulated into performing difficult tasks that I was unhappy doing over a long period of time while being underpaid under some circumstances. Hmm.

I returned to the farm for the entirety of the summer of 2016. After barely surviving/graduating my senior year of high school that year I had given up on life and settled pretty quickly back into the routine of the daily back-and-forth farm trips. It is true that I was getting paid; it was also true that I was being challenged and learning things, mostly the basics of planting vegetables, like which plants were cold-season crops and which were warm-season and how far apart to space the transplants, and how a PTO works on a tractor; and it’s certainly a fact that on a personal level, I was still completely taken in by my grandfather’s wit and farm wisdom and overpowering managerial confidence. I made myself completely subordinate to him, and blamed myself when his ideas for what we should be doing next were completely obvious to him but rather opaque to me; I remember it frequently happening that he would tell me what to do and I would reflexively go off to do it, and then realize I was unclear on what he meant and have to timidly re-approach him for further instructions. This kind of slowed down the learning process. Much later I would also realize how superficial his constant confidence could be, and how it was often less the natural attitude of someone who knew what they were doing and more a tool he used to impress people into doing things without thinking too much about any of the potential alternatives. Also, according to my admittedly fallible memories, I was getting paid $35 per day for what were generally between 7 and 8 hour days. I was, in fact, 18 years old that year and probably could have gotten a different job that for one thing paid a better hourly wage and for another left me less reliant on the caprices of my family; but this was neither a thing that happened nor a thing that was expected from me, least of all by me. My internal world hadn’t expanded as I’d grown older; my universe of possibilities was limited to the things that were already present in my somewhat simple life. This was probably symptomatic of some larger problem or problems with the functionality of my brain at that point in my life.

One can become trapped in many different ways. You can be trapped in a specific city, or a zip code, or in a geographic region sorely lacking in cities, or one which they are considered entirely strange and outlandish things; in a job, in a career, in a lifestyle, or in a set of lifestyles considered realistic given your high school grades, ability to connect with others, and standing in society and life; in a friend group, or in an identity, or in a lack thereof, or in any number of the various rules and regulations that govern how one is allowed to interact with the rest of the human race; in a comedy, a tragedy, a pastoral narrative, or in any combination of the above kinds of story that one no longer wishes to be part of. For all I know, thanks to the stereotypical farm benefits of character building, meaningful work experiencing, and nature connecting-with, working at the farm for that year may have actually been good for me; nevertheless, I wish that it had been my last full summer there. I had showed up, learned some stuff, earned a small amount of money, and, in retrospect experienced at least the majority of what this particular 90 acre area of the planet had had to offer. Alas.

2017! This year, we had a pretty consistent schedule that I can remember clearly to this day: we left at 9:30 AM, when my grandfather would pull into my driveway and blow his horn, and got back between 7 and 8 o’clock at night. Built into that schedule is a one hour commute each way (we both lived about 40 miles away from the farm, which was actually inhabited by my uncle, who was often around and occasionally helped with the work but frequently made fairly abrasive and critical comments (if often correct) comments about it (for example, about the fact that our work day started so late in the morning)) and a daily grocery store stop for drinks for the cooler. I was the driver (once my grandfather’s problems with what I suspect is undiagnosed narcolepsy had almost killed us a couple of times) which you would think give me control over the stereo, but I quickly learned that my grandfather had pretty specific taste in music (country from the 50s and 60s) and a temperament unsuited to most podcasts. Obviously, most of that time in the daily schedule was taken up by the work day (so generally either planting tomatoes (which gets a little less rewarding after about the 500th one, which that year only put us at about a quarter of the way through the tomato plants, not counting the hundreds of eggplant, cabbage, and zucchini plants or the miscellaneous corn, squash, and beans), pounding stakes and tying string for the tomatoes, or harvesting tomatoes) which lay at the end of the lonely highway on a lonely work site at which the same 2-4 people showed up every day. (It became four people once you counted my younger brother, who came up to the farm that year until the start of marching band season got him out of it, and who fortunately made it his main job to get everyone to pack up and leave promptly at the end of the day. Once he stopped showing up, and even though I persuaded my grandfather to move the schedule up an hour so that we could get home earlier, we never left as consistently as we did when he was there; I didn’t have the stamina to find my grandfather (who didn’t carry a phone or a watch) and tell him what time it was at the end of the day every single day so that he could start to think about leaving.) I was being paid $40 a day, with a $20 bonus for market days once they started, which with our theoretically 35-hour work week ends up being about $6.29 an hour? Huh. In addition to the extra $20, the market season was nice because picking stuff is less tiring and more rewarding than planting stuff, and because I got to see way more people every day in the form of our market customers, even if I was interacting with them mainly through the intermediary of my grandfather.

Another nice thing is that this is the first year I have a decent photo album for! I started experimenting with old 35mm film cameras in late June and by early July I had my first interchangeable-lens digital camera, which I relied upon to keep my brain alive for large parts of the summer. I have… a lot of pictures from this season.

Finally, at the end of the year, I ended up in college. Any criticisms of my grandfather that I might offer up here have to be tempered by the fact that he did in fact drive me to the local (relatively) cheap higher-education dispenser and basically registered me for me (technically, I applied but there’s a 100% acceptance rate.) This was something I desperately wanted to do but was unable to make happen by myself. I won’t say that my grandfather every really understood the problems I went through while experiencing formal education, but as perhaps the member of my family least comfortable himself with the concept and culture of higher education, he was the most willing to notice and accept that I needed help getting started with it.

However, I did do quite badly that semester (I started out enrolled in 4.5 classes and ended enrolled in 2, with a C average) and going to the farm to work 4 days a week still (after morning classes and also on Saturday) did not help that except in that it provided a convenient distraction from it; an opportunity for me to distract myself from my frustrations by wearing myself out.

Why did I come back to the farm for 2018? I wasn’t happy there in 2017, I have the journal entries to prove it. Reasons: it was the path of least resistance, it was something I was more already familiar with than any other job, and my grandfather remained a very difficult person for me to say no to. (Also, he asked me (and my brother) to commit in midwinter, when it still seemed non-threatening and pretty far away.) The schedule was pretty much the same as I described for last year except that for some reason we went up 6 days a week as often as 5 (weather permitting.) My brother went up with us for the same period of time as he had previously, but was even more ornery this year than he was the last, which was an accomplishment; this didn’t stop me from being grateful for his presence. Mostly, I recruited him to work on whatever I was working on during the day, whenever I had a specific project: like building a fence around the second patch, or digging drainage ditches on the lawn, or moving the rainwater collection tank trailer to water stuff before Grandpa could realize that something that he didn’t plan for us was happening. My uncle became extremely fond of complaining that we were getting less done working on the same thing together than we might have working on different things far apart; this may have been true, but I was unwilling to test the theory.

As I implied above, I had a lot more freedom this year to pick projects that I thought needed to be done instead of following instructions all day, as long as I could seem confident about it under scrutiny later. I responded in two ways: I started wearing earbuds and listened to music and occasionally podcasts for most of the day, which was great except that it ruined earbuds and made me feel slightly spacey like I wasn’t even physically there sometimes, given that it was the main input that was actually making it to my brain, and I gave myself three new jobs. The first was to pick, display, and sell produce at a roadside stand that I set up back home (ideally without attracting too much attention from my uncle, who was doing the same thing); the second was to start picking for and selling at a new weekday farmers’ market; and the third was to fix an old dump truck that had been sitting in the back barn for the better part of the decade with a broken brake line, with the help of my dad, who came up to the farm a few days to show me what to actually do. The stand was very successful but 20% went to my mom for stocking it during the day and another 20% went to my grandfather for owning the farm; the new farmers’ market only required me to pay off my grandfather but had too many vendors for the customer base and was generally very slow; and the truck project was a huge disaster that consumed countless hours and brain cells: one brake line burst after another, we ended up having to remove and replace the two brake cylinders in each of the back wheels (which necessitated jacking the 12.5 ton vehicle up and removing both rear wheels and axles), the wiring for the lights was fucked from a previous botched repair job by a person or persons unknown, the bed needed to be attacked with the farm’s one working boom truck to get it to even move, and even after it was going up and down smoothly the hydraulic pump was occasionally leaking fluid, which I was neither qualified for or willing to try to fix; then, during the first test drive with a potential buyer, the radiator apparently exploded, and he convinced my grandfather to sell it to him for $1000, which was split between him, me, and my dad and uncle for helping (more or less.) I eventually calculated that with those three extra projects in addition to my regular salary (up $5 a day but without the weekly bonus, resulting in a net raise of $5 a week) I nearly made minimum wage working there that summer. (Hey, if Quinn is going to read this, I should probably note that minimum wage in Ohio was $8.15 an hour, at least when I wrote this, it’s up to $8.55 an hour now.)

Also, after going on three years of the whole “pull into Mitch’s driveway and blow the horn for a while” routine, the horn on my grandfather’s F-150 finally gave out and he locked the keys in my car while climbing inside of it to use its. (He did admit to this but also told me that I should never have left the keys inside of a car with “automatic locks.”) I had a much better spring semester this year, but it still wasn’t made easier by my 28 hours a week at the farm (plus the commute) right up until October 25th, when I finally quit.

Performance review:

Another part of my feelings about the farm that I have to mention is that the whole time I was there, I was pretty well aware that it was not nearly as productive as it should have been. One large part of this was just flawed soil management practices; by the time I got there, my grandfather had been planting mostly the same plants in mostly exactly the same spots for nearly 10 years, which is absolutely not how any of that is ever supposed to work. He sent soil samples away for analysis, got back reports prescribing long lists of fertilizers to be applied in massive quantities to help production, and then went back to using what he was planning on putting down anyway (mostly starting fertilizer (which we dragged around in 5 gallon buckets for the entire planting season), calcium spray to try to prevent previous years’ blossom end rot epidemics, and some poorly labeled sacks of miscellaneous stuff that he had gotten at a farm auction and that had been taking up space in a barn for years.) My grandfather’s managerial attitude was that all ideas were suspect unless they occurred to him first, which meant it sometimes required some stamina to get certain things done; he would ride up on the lawn mower and stare at you suspiciously if he wasn’t sure of exactly what you were doing.

Like this.

(Of course, the farm was not really run with the purpose of maximizing production, anyway. My grandfather kept it going year after year initially because he was retired, and wanted something to take up his time, and because he wanted to turn himself into a farmer; later, he got the idea that he was going to turn me into one.)

The other main obstacle to growth was the fact that we were surrounded by 80 acres of soybean fields that were at a slightly higher elevation than our plants, which meant that 2 inches of rainfall was more than enough to flood the place. This is not actually a good thing for any plant’s growth (except for cucumbers, and I guess sometimes zucchini.) I ended up (with my brother) digging hundreds of feet of drainage ditches in 2018 to try to combat this. Like, with a shovel. We had a trencher, but its hydraulic pump leaked fluid like a sieve, which had prevented it from being used for years, kind of like that dump truck I mentioned fixing earlier. Other broken down equipment included two boom trucks (one of which was specifically designed just to lay railroad ties), two full-size tractors (an Oliver and a Farm-All), a handful of mechanical tractor attachments that lay scattered throughout the barn-adjacent grass, a smallish red Troy-Bilt riding lawn mower, and a 1963 Buick Riviera.

On a personal level, going to the farm every day felt like dying? It was long hours of difficult, tedious, low-paid work in a desolate and isolated location. It was sort of like a sensory deprivation chamber, but for thoughts and feelings instead of for senses. On one hand, I regret every single miserable second of it, and hope to never see the place again for as long as I somehow manage to live (sadly unlikely); on the other hand, I do think it made me more appreciative of the moments when I do feel like I’m alive in the world, even when they’re not exactly easy ones. I have more enthusiasm for certain types of fear now, like driving to a strange and distant city to see a band play by myself, actually talking to the host in the AirBNB there, and descending into a strange subway system without really knowing how I’m going to get anywhere I’m trying to go from there; or signing up for classes for next semester without knowing exactly what they’ll be like, and talking to the strange person sitting next to me, or even just emailing the professor to ask for an explanation of an assignment that I don’t understand. It reminds me that I’m not as trapped anymore.

This contradicts what I want to be true, which is that the farm was just a background event in my life, instead of something that defined it for all of those years. The things that I was doing in the background of this, the story about farming, were the things I now realize were actually important to me at the time: taking those pictures, going back to school, the music I was listening to while I was out in the field, pounding in tomato stakes… I was also re-learning the piano in the evenings when I still had the energy. Unfortunately, the farm did define that part of my life to a large extent because of the way it served as an obstacle to me pursuing those things. The thing is, I wasn’t really trapped there, in any real physical or consequential sense; the farm took over my life because I was unable to recognize and act on the fact that I did have access to real sources of happiness.

Also, I guess the whole time I was technically committing tax evasion?

Anyway, whenever I see one of those posts about how nice it would be just to leave society and go live on a farm or something, this is what I’m thinking of.

#yes. long. maybe save this for when you already know that you're going to be bored #if anyone actually makes it to the end please interact

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