#regarding the breakup: in the end we both have our reasoning and i think

[suddencolds]

~

// personal; delete later

[cassiopeajelly]

Sometimes the only thing you can do is lance the boil.  It hurts, but you have to get all the pus and bad stuff out so the wound can heal.  In Revenged love you have two people who have festering wounds.  It’s more obvious with Chi Cheng who desperately needed closure in regards to the abrupt and catastrophic ending of his relationship to Wang Shou (and the damage to his friendship with Guo Chengyu which also contributed to the wound). 

Wu Suo Wei is also wounded from his relationship with Yue Yue, but in a different way.  She made him feel worthless, like he didn’t deserve love.  I don’t think he really loved her at the end of the relationship (someone had a wonderful post I can’t find now about him being stagnant in that relationship which seems true to me).  But her throwing everything he had done for her over 3 years, and even his upbringing and family back in his face as unworthy of her time and attention, making him feel like he had to change everything about himself…woo boy that hurts deeply.  It would certainly lead someone to doubt their worth.

And so you have two hurt people who never communicated well and built their relationship through scheming and mind games.  It was inevitable that they would fall apart.  The show has done a really good job in layering the misunderstandings in a very compelling way.  It was so frustrating seeing them misunderstand each other, but at the same time, I can’t fault either of them really.  Wu Suo Wei did see Chi Cheng and Wang Shou kiss and Chi hid it which made him doubt everything else.  Meanwhile Chi Cheng is caught up with the pain of the mother dying and being unable to fix it or tell his boyfriend. Not being able to talk to her son about it in particular put Chi Cheng in an impossible position. I can see where both sides are coming from. And people are messy. We can say that they should just talk to each other but we all hold things in due to our own pride and hurt.

It is interesting that in the last few months we have had two shows were I feel like a breakup was not only inevitable but necessary.  For different reasons, in My Stubborn and Revenged Love the characters needed to break up and feel the pain to build something better and stronger.  

Also, I really want to compliment the pacing of the show. I am so glad that they made it 24 episodes so we get plenty of time to see the whole relationship develop, falter, crash, and heal.  I don’t want to encourage shows to have a lot of filler, but I do like having these longer ones that take their time to flesh the story out with legitimate story lines.  It makes the bad times hit so much harder, but the good times are so much sweeter.

[katnissdoesnotfollowback]

🦮 Pretty please would you write a snippet from Enough?🥺 (What an interesting premise, btw!)

It’s been six months since Katniss and Peeta broke up, but they’re both willing to deal with the presence of the other for a week long getaway on an island if that’s what their friend Finnick wants for his birthday…

Thinkin about it, it could be like a VictoryTour!ModernAU version 😂 They broke up, and hey haven’t spoken in six months, they are pushed together by the murderous capitol their loving friends and siblings 😂😂

“What’s the password?” Finnick asks through the door, a grin splitting his face.

“Fuck you and your passwords,” Johanna answers.

“Close enough,” he says, opening the door for her. She stomps in and glares at him before turning to Annie on the sofa.

“Why do we even need passwords?”

“Finnick gave Peeta a key to our place while we were in Mallorca. So he could check on the cats and bring in the mail. Then when the breakup happened--”

“The temporary insanity,” Finnick cuts in and Annie rolls her eyes.

“When the temporary insanity happened, he told Peeta that he could stop by any time he needed to talk.”

“Oh my god this plan is so going to fail,” Johanna groans. “We should have done this at my place.”

“He usually knocks first, besides… you don’t have a real sofa,” Finnick whines and both girls look at him skeptically. Another knock on the door saves him from having to respond. “That’ll be Madge.”

“Or Peeta,” Johanna snarks. “Seriously, what’s our cover for all being here and not inviting his pathetic broken hearted ass if it is him?”

“Hush,” Finnick commands and then sets his hand on the door knob. “What’s the password?”

“Uh…bread and bow?”

“That was last week’s password, Madge.” Finnick reminds her.

“You keep changing it on me! No one can remember this many passwords. Next week you’ll be putting numbers and special characters into it!”

“I brought a cheese platter!” A second voice pipes up and Finnick freezes.

“Madge… tell me you’re alone.”

“Open the door, Finnick. We need her.”

With his brow wrinkled, Finnick opens the door and crosses his arms, blocking the entry of the two blondes on his doorstep.

“Do tell. Exactly how do we need Katniss’s little sister who tells her everything to be involved in our secret plans?”

Primrose snorts. “I’m a lot better at keeping secrets from Katniss than you’d think.”

“She doesn’t seem to think so,” Finnick points out and Primrose shrugs.

“And she never will. Cheese?” Finnick sighs and takes the platter ushering them inside. “Oh Yay!”

“I still haven’t decided if you’re staying for this or if you knowing anything ruins the whole plan,” Finnick points out even as he peels back the covering on the cheese platter and plucks up a small square before popping it into his mouth.

“Like I said. We need her,” Madge repeats and Primrose nods.

“You do. Besides, if I have to listen to her crying in the shower while listening to “Nothing Compares 2 U” one more time, I swear I’m slitting her throat in her sleep.”

“Whoa. Little dark for Miss Sunshine,” Johanna says.

“Okay so clearly you have a violent streak your sister is unaware of, but you still haven’t explained why we need you.”

“Because I assume that in order for this to work, you need Katniss to realize that at the end of the world, there’s no one else she’d rather be with than Peeta because she loves him so much and blah blah blah missed chances romance and all that mushy stuff, right?” Finnick doesn’t answer but pops another cheese cube in his mouth. “She won’t do that if she thinks there’s any reason for her to get off that island and see me one last time.”

“Sooooo,” Finnick prompts, waving a third cheese cube in the air.

“We need Prim to say goodbye to Katniss. Convincingly,” Johanna speaks up and Finnick swallows.

“Damn. This cheese is really good,” Finnick mutters then shrugs. “Alright, I concede your point. It complicates my plans regarding their phones.”

“The house has a landline,” Annie points out. 

Primrose grins. “Perfect.”

[tarlosloverrofa]

I would like to discuss the issue of the occasional "mistakes made by Buck and Tommy during their breakup" in our community. English is not my native language, so this may be lengthy and there may be grammar or word errors.

Firstly, I hope we can reach a consensus - both of these individuals are both eager and foolish. This mistake was jointly caused by them.

Regarding their first breakup, I believe there has been ample discussion within the community. As for the clues given to us by the series, Tommy makes subjective assumptions, while Buck lacks understanding. They seem to be practicing 'don't ask, don't tell', immersed in pink bubbles. This bubble is bound to burst because neither of them has touched each other's core, they are just busy playing and showing each other their favorite side（they thought）

For second 'breakup' it's more complicated but more real.

Let's go back to 704, the beginning of the event. What happened in this episode? Without thinking clearly about himself, Buck injured Eddie's ankle just because he spent too much time with Tommy. This is Buck's jealousy. What was he thinking at that time? Did he have the idea that 'Eddie and Tommy have spent too much time together, does Tommy like Eddie?' Then Tommy kissed him, and his concerns dissipated.

Compared to 811. In a similar situation (Tommy expressed jealousy towards Eddie), Buck's reaction was that Eddie is a straight man. And said that even worse comment. Buck's concerns disappeared not because Tommy told him, 'Eddie is a straight man,' but because Tommy showed through his actions, 'The person I care about is you.'

As is well known, being a straight man does not prevent another person of the same sex from falling in love with him, and this is not a reassuring reason at all. And let's talk about a common example - chim and hen. Yes, they are good friends, one is heterosexual and the other is lesbian. But their friendship is fundamentally different from Buddie's (used here for convenience only) friendship.They are also never considered as a pair by anyone (familiar people, people met in the rescue or brothers and sisters). Chim and hen both have their own families, and they will not abandon their wives or children for each other, let alone let each other become the de facto parents of their children. But we have been watching Eddie treat Buck as Chris's surrogate mother for the past seven and a half years. This is not healthy for friendship, and unfortunately, this selfless effort is one-way. We haven't seen Eddie putting in much effort into Buck's personal troubles, and when things have nothing to do with himself or Chris, he becomes very picky about Buck.

In fact, in Tommy's eyes, this may mean that 'Buck and Eddie spent too much time together, and Buck cares a lot, while Eddie doesn't care so much'. This doesn't sound good.

We haven't seen how Buck supports Tommy on the TV show, but we have watched enough scenes of Buck supporting Eddie and Chris, to the point where many fan fiction authors embed Buddie as a "queer Platonic soulmate" into Buck's relationship with Tommy. In this dynamic, I don't think Tommy will feel any sense of security. If he is seriously considering this relationship, then he will think things like 'Who is important between Eddie and me?' 'Who is important compared to Chris for our future children?' 'Why is he always on call to Eddie?'

But it's not Buck's fault, in fact. This is Tim and his' buddie bait ''s fault. This interdependent dynamic is intentionally created, but when they want Buck to become an independent person who can have a relationship and his own family, the situation becomes awkward.

In my opinion, the bigger purpose of the second breakup was to get Tommy to propose Buddie and have Buck reject it. We even had a conversation at the end of 811 where Maddie supported Buddie and Buck opposed it. In other words, this is more of a conflict needed for the development of the series rather than themselves. But we can get the screenwriter's logic in weaving this conflict from it.

[nofomogirl]

Before the Beginning (part 2.3.)

Part 1.1. | Part 1.2. | Part 1.3. | Part 1.4. | Part 1.5. |

Part 2.1. | Part 2.2. | Part 2.4. |

Hello, it's been a while.

If you're jumping in the middle, hi, this is a series of posts where I discuss things I've noticed in the Before the Beginning scene and suggest how they might shed new light on other scenes from both seasons.

Today let's do our favourite thing, shall we?

Let's revisit the Bandstand Breakup again.

Right after Aziraphale and Crowley argue over the possibility of killing Adam, and Crowley turns to leave, there's this memorable exchange:

A: You can't leave, Crowley. There isn't anywhere to go. C: It's a big universe. Even if this all ends up in a puddle of burning goo, we can go off together. A: Go off together? Listen to yourself.

and ever since S1, we've been arguing about exactly what was stopping Aziraphale from taking Crowley's offer. Why, despite clearly finding the idea appealing, it just as clearly wasn't an option he would seriously consider. Was it more because he wasn't able to choose Crowley or because he wasn't able to abandon Earth?

There are many sound arguments to support both and, like most people, I used to believe the truth to lay somewhere in between.

But then S2 happened, the Before the Beginning scene happened, and the bomb was dropped that it might actually be the entire universe that was on a 6000-year deadline, not just Earth.

True, we don't know for sure which is it, and more importantly, which Aziraphale believes, but if we assume that to the best of his knowledge, the end of the world means the end of all material creation, then you have to admit it changes the scene quite a bit.

It means that running away with Crowley wasn't something the angel could technically do but just wouldn't, it was objectively not an option. If it was just like Death said - if Armageddon happens anywhere, it happens everywhere - Aziraphale was right - there wasn't anywhere to go - and Crowley was wrong - the size of the universe made no difference.

Now the big questions are (1) why Crowley would propose running away, and (2) why Aziraphale hasn't called him out.

Regarding the first one, I've offered some theories in part 2.2:

Crowley may actually be right, and it's Aziraphale who's misinformed

Crowley's knowledge of the universe's fate might have been erased from his mind

Crowley could have repressed the knowledge himself due to trauma

Please feel free to take your pick.

I've already confessed my personal HC is the last one, and I stand by it. There's just something about Crowley consistently refusing to consider the worst-case scenario and behaving like it isn't an option. Book canon explicitly called him an optimist but I don't think that's the reason in the show.

Back to question (2) then. If running away was objectively impossible, why haven't Aziraphale simply pointed it out?

If we look at just that one scene, it's not hard to explain.

A: Go off together? Listen to yourself. C: How long we have been friends? Six thousand years! A: Friends? We're not friends! We are an angel and a demon.

You know how it goes.

My point is, like most of us after S1, Crowley assumed it was the "together" part that was the issue and addressed it. In other words, Aziraphale got distracted by another touchy topic.

Easy.

But I'd like to offer another explanation: Aziraphale doesn't have it in him to break Crowley's bubble.

This is my HC right now and here's why:

Aziraphale did give Crowley the bad news once, the very same exact piece of bad news, before the beginning, and he saw what it triggered and where it eventually ended

Aziraphale generally isn't the kind of person who easily delivers hard truths

Aziraphale is uncomfortable with confrontations

Aziraphale understands the absolute horror that is his and Crowley's situation and understands that not thinking about it is often the only way not to lose their mind

That's it for today, thank you for reading! I know I'm posting less frequently right now - for some reason putting my thoughts into ordered words has become harder recently... But the thoughts are still there and so is the desire to share.

[xxdreamscapes]

diary-x 050125 | 11:00 pm

on friendships & inconvenience;

Now and then, I think about all the times I convinced myself all the wrong people were the right ones just because I didn’t wanna be alone.

I consider history in my relationships, but it seems a lot of people don't. It's always been a tough pill for me to swallow. I know that history isn't an excuse to keep someone around who mistreats you. I also know that life isn't so black and white. Though there might be things unspoken, resentments, or miscommunication, I know that most people stay past an expiration date because they care enough to want things to work. You can love people who aren't healthy for you, but it doesn't mean you should.

I've been thrown away like garbage. I've thrown others away in the same regard. I'm not blameless. Who is? We're all responsible for the parts we play in our relationships. Me, now? I don't think people are disposable. Or interchangeable. If that's the way you view people I feel sorry for you. When I need to remove myself from a situation, I have longstanding and good reason. However, I have a hard time allowing others the same courtesy.

Sometimes, I think that I'm bitter, because if we were to quantify it, the way I've been mistreated by certain people was much worse than my worst moments. I've often felt an imbalance in past friendships, and for the longest time, I blamed myself. I always wound up feeling like I gave too much and became resentful by the end. This isn't applicable to current friends, thankfully, because my current friendships either began on a solid foundation (where I never felt like they had anything to gain besides being my pal) or were made in adulthood as I began implementing healthier interpersonal skills. Or both. But over the years, concern from outside perspectives shared with me as well as years of building self trust, signaled to me that a lot of people in my life wanted a best friend, but refused the inconvenience of being one.

Most people have some form of trauma, whether it's linked to family, friendship, or intimate partners. I'm not discrediting anyone's lived experience or agency to remove themselves from unsafe situations. But when you get to know people. And I mean, really, get to know them and see how nonchalant they are with their relationships and habits, it's a painful experience. When the laziness, or defensiveness rear their ugly heads, it's hard not to notice. Are they leaving because it's what's best for both of us? Or are they leaving because it's the easy way out, because maybe you're too needy or asking for far too much (you're probably not)

It makes you wonder about how they've always felt about you. It makes you question off-hand comments, birthday cards, or every message they ever sent about how they were so *grateful* for you. Does gratitude entail abandoning people you care about in difficult moments? Knowing I’ve sat with you through your familial troubles, anxiety about college, fear of being perceived, body image issues... any of it? I've since learned: don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't cross a puddle for you — let alone give you room on the sidewalk, when walking in a group. I'm saying all of this as someone who's taken a flight and driven miles for someone who couldn't bother to drive a couple to see me while we were living in the same god damn town. But lo and behold, a shiny new bombshell enters their life and suddenly they're Lightning McQueen! The forgiveness comes and goes. The introspection helps. I'll get there.

And yea, maybe I should have spoken up or asked for reciprocity from the person I, and many others, chauffeured around. But when you love someone, I don't think that fucking matters. I've driven many people, countless times, to the airport who wouldn't even uber me there. Spent years lending an ear to their miseries over breakups, family, etc. only for them to not change a damn thing or intentionally seek out cycles of self-harm. I've been patient, and selfless beyond human capacity, but yet somehow I was still met with accusations of selfishness and entitlement. The narratives people run with...

I get why people become bitter and jaded because of how they’ve been treated. Luckily that ain’t me..

It's hard to raise issues with people you love and have known for so long. It's anxiety inducing to think about their reaction or our shifting dynamics. Especially when the reality of their reaction ends up being much worse than you ever anticipated. It shouldn't be difficult to bring things up with people you love, which is why I always try my best to listen and not react. When someone deflects and makes it about the way I reacted instead of the impact their actions, I know there's no conversation that can salvage the fractures

So thank you to the people who've clued me into their true feelings. So much is said in patronization. So much is said in the unsaid. For a lot of people, the cruelty is the point. Maybe it's a getback for all of their resentments and the things they've held back. I've had so much bullshit projected onto me by people who think I'm just going to take it. I've given the benefit of the doubt. I've bent over backwards. Contorted myself in ways no human being should ever have to. But still, I don't regret it. Because I've still grown and I'm somehow still me. The little, misunderstood chubby queer kid who just wanted friends and for people to share and be honest with each other.

⋆⁺₊⋆ + ⋆⁺₊ ⋆ ☁︎

Set firm boundaries, set them early, but make sure they aren't walls. Choose your friends, and where your energy goes, wisely ♥︎

[septembersghost]

fans are also the worst when it comes to stalking and invasiveness about her life, they wonder why the media still talks about shit in her personal life and it's literally swifties' fault because they think it's fine to speculate about her sex life or drugs or whatever when we know nothing about that. I swear swifties don't care about her at all except to entertain them (this is not about YOU in any way!)

see, i have hard boundaries about what i will and will not discuss, and you've probably seen that in regards to the breakup, since i am not comfortable talking about or analyzing it when we don't know anything concrete, so i try to redirect to the fact that what they had was good for a long time, and the fact that it ended doesn't make that worthless in any way, they learned and grew and shared beautiful things together. i won't discuss her intimate life or speculate on certain other topics because not only does it make me uncomfortable (and viscerally throws me into the "we should all know less about each other" mindset), it makes me unhappy lol. that is entirely up to any individual fan to decide for themselves. i can't focus on someone i love and whose art means the world to me in a way that makes me unhappy like that, it's stressful. it doesn't mean i won't talk about events we know happened, or use context of facts to explain things she has very clearly, openly shared with us, her writing is vulnerable and honest for a reason, and understanding that is necessary as part of putting her journey into frame and feeling empathy for her and regarding her as a human woman and not just a sparkly pop star. for me, there should be a middle ground - we can personalize her music and make it about our individual experiences and emotions, while fully comprehending and appreciating her original meaning and what she's sharing about things she's felt and been through. if you erase her voice and circumstances from her music, respectfully taking into account what she's describing, you're doing her a tremendous disservice imho because you're not willing to extend context and compassion to her specific story, but it's also not good at the extreme where everything is clues and speculation (and sometimes wholecloth fabrication, and fans do this in various ways), and you're not appreciating her music simply as the remarkable, wonderful art that it is. this war in the fandom about how we're "allowed" to interpret her work is strange to me because it's both things! it's her story and then our own! middle ground and nuance are important! both aspects of that framing are valuable.

[crownconstellation]

happy 10 am eastern standard time. i want to talk about my girlfriend

this is just a giant word jumble but i just like her so so so so so so so so much and I need to spill that all over the floor. like it’s insane how much I like her I’ve really never felt this seriously about another person before

so like. ive been in a handful of e-relationships (and have stayed friends with everyone ive dated except for one [1] person. so if you decide to read this hi oomfies) but none I’ve ever considered a Serious Relationship no matter the age i was during any of them or how long we dated simply bc of my personal policy on dating, which was that i’ve never really wanted to think about things too deeply and rush things too far ahead. moving too fast has always scared me! this even ended up being why i ended the one relationship where i did not in the end stay friends with the other party, which was the one relationship I’ve ever had that wasn’t really a mutual breakup — they wanted to take things more seriously than i was ready for, especially bc I was at the time still an undergrad student who’d never had a job or any real sense of responsibility.* how could i see myself staying with someone for the long haul if i could barely see myself as being able to take care of myself in the near future? kind of reasoning.

when we first started dating, my girlfriend knew that & we both knew each other’s thoughts and feelings on romance, and neither of us was actually really expecting to stay in the relationship very long; we were both expecting to try things out and decide we worked better off as friends. but surprise!!!! it’s been three entire years since we started dating and i really really really genuinely look forward to seeing how far we can go!!!!! I still need to become more responsible for myself before i can go forward with anyone but she’s the first person I’ve ever felt enthused about regarding the possibility of taking that one step at a time with someone else to the point where we just keep on stepping and don’t stop. once she made a joke about us getting Pokémon themed wedding rings because we saw them on a Pokémon merch site we were browsing and i got so excited at the idea i had to go lie down on the floor for a minute. i’m saving money to see her next year maybe for Valentine’s Day if she’s fine with that bc i think it would be so cute…. i use our anniversary as both my computer and phone password. i just like her so, so so so much. I really adore her & i’m so grateful to have her. she’s willing to offer me her effort and patience and i want to give her the same and i want to see how far we can go together and btw I am shredding a paper towel in my hands as I type because im just so. (coughs blood) I really genuinely adore my girlfriend so much oh my god ive literally never felt this way about another person before

* note, the breakup is not why we did not stay friends. we actually did try and stay friends at first! the friend breakup is another story but we’re not talking about that right now ❤️

[truelovez2]

Best Way to End a Relationship

Relationships don’t always go according to our plan or the way we expected them to be, but then again nothing in life does. Sometimes you meet the right person and things go to goody-goody land and sometimes you end up with a totally messed up scenario (read: constant bickering, continuous fights and zero understanding) and that’s when you know things are not going to work out. That’s actually the point when you realise that this relationship was just not meant to be or in some cases was just one huge mistake you made. If these thoughts constantly go through your mind I guess it’s time for you to break up. Break ups need to be handled like a science and are a very delicate procedure so you cannot afford mistakes, so if you don’t know what to do keep reading for the best way to end a relationship.

Breakups are a necessary evil and you’re not doing yourself or your not-so-significant-anymore other any favors by avoiding it or making yourself think that things can still be redeemed. When a relationship has run its course you will know if the person you are with is the right person or not and when you do; the best thing you can do for both yourself and your partner is to end things because then you won’t be able to return the feelings he/she has for you and that’s not fair to them.

Keep reading for the best way to end a relationshipthat has run its course and can only end up in misery.

Ways to End a Relationship 

1. Tell them you need you need to talk, but make sure they’re not under the impression that its a date or things will get awkward really fast and you’ll feel like a jerk.  Keep in mind that it is always best to do the deed in person. Texts, E-mails, letters and phone calls are a coward’s way out and the only reason you can use them is if you know for certain that he/she is prone to a violent outburst (which is incidentally also a good reason to break up). Also respect them enough and don’t tell anybody else about the breakup before the breakup.

2. Pick a neutral location for the deed. Make sure that you’re not breaking up with them at your favourite restaurant or the park where you first met or any place of any significant importance. Otherwise you will project that you have absolutely no regard for the time you’ve spent together and you’re deliberately trying to hurt them. Also sometimes it might give them an opportunity to coax you into second guessing your decision. A simple line like “remember that time we came here……” and you’re stuck for another month of trying to make things work. Also keep in mind that the place is not public or it’ll just be embarrassing for him/her.

3. No matter what the circumstances never ever break up during a fight or anytime you are emotional and not thinking clearly. Firstly the whole emotional state will end up with you saying things just for the sake of hurting him/her and end things on very bad terms and avoid each other for the rest of your lives, secondly, this might come off as something that you said in the heat of the moment and that it doesn’t count which is also not good because then you’ll have to do the whole exercise all over again and it was bad enough the first time.

4. Now it is obvious that they’ll get emotional and cry and the tears are never a good sight but no matter what happens don’t get swayed by emotions. You have to stay firm, you are allowed to hold their hand (just hold it firmly do not caress their hand) but that’s it.  No matter how tempted you are to wipe their tears don’t do it. Do not send mixed signals or they’ll never move forward. If he/she starts getting angry you need to maintain your calm. They might say things like “you’ll never get anyone better than me” or “you don’t deserve me” don’t respond to that they’re probably doing this to make themselves feel better. If at any point you feel like they’re getting violent and you feel that you’re in danger calmly walk out and away from him/her.

5. Do not, under any circumstances, play the blame game. Try to keep your statements as neutral and refer only to you relationship. Don’t say stuff like “you never say anything nice” because then they might try to bargain their way back into your life. You can say things like “this relationship isn’t working” or “it doesn’t feel right”. Also avoid clichés altogether. Nobody likes them and nobody likes to be patronized. You don’t want to sound like you’re showing them pity and the best way to show them pity would be, “you can do better than me” or “it’s not you it’s me”. Don’t make statements like “we can still be friends”, it may be possible in the future but right now the wound is way too deep for that.

6. If at all you feel like you’re getting swamped with emotions just calm down and relax. If you let yourself flow away with emotions then sensible thinking and reasoning fly out the window and 9 out 10 times you will end up doing as exactly the opposite of what we might classify as sensible or even remotely logical. Remain calm, because that’ll help you think clearly and talk clearly.

[tnlbarth-blog]

April 20 2024 - 1:25am

Warning: All people places and things resembling any real people places or things are merely coincidence and are not to be taken as such.

So the 19th was my Ex Best Friend's Birthday. The 19th legit ended an hour and 25 minutes ago. And this would also mark the second birthday in a row of their's that we did not spend together.

The friendship ended in 2022. They did not end it I did. And you must be wondering; why I would be posting about them if it was my decision to end the relationship. It's a fair question.

The thing is I didn't end it over one specific thing though I am sure they believe that to be true. I never told them every reason I had for ending it. They I think only know the very last reason. Or the reason that would be considered the "last straw".

My friendship with them was a long one. We met in kindergarten or first grade I'm unsure. But I didn't consider us friends until sixth grade. And we didn't become best friends until ninth grade in my mind. I am sure those stages had significant moments attached to them that I thought stepped up our friendship.

Unfortunately for me they didn't agree at least not out loud. Or I was oblivious, which I am quite dense. Either way looking back now I am positive it was a little of both.

It doesn't matter now however. Back in 2022 After a long hard year for building myself back up during a horribly abusive romantic relationship with my ex boyfriend, I realized how terribly I'd allowed myself to be treated by many people, my Ex Best Friend included.

I was on my way to learning to advocate for myself which until that point I didn't know how to do properly. Honestly I wasn't very emotionally intelligent at all until then and even now I can see that in that year I wasn't as emotionally intelligent as I am at present. My communication skills were very low even then. But I'd learned enough to feel confident to advocate and cut ties with those that had both intentionally and unintentionally hurt me. And if I couldn't cut ties do my best to stay away from those people.

Just like our mutual friend my ex best friend didn't see this sever coming. But unlike our mutual friend my ex best friend got the chance to talk to me. I didn't send them a long note like our mutual. I told them about the biggest problem I had and they admitted to their crimes and more relieving something truly terrible. Something I couldn't see coming. I was so hurt that any hope I had of keeping my friendship with them was smashed. So four months after letting go of our mutual I broke up with them as well followed by my break up with my ex boyfriend.

Every day I think about them. I have cried over this breakup specifically so many times. This person had hurt me so many times growing up and the worst part is I didn't know how truly deep the cuts were until that moment two years ago. Now I look back and even good memories are tarnished. I question every moment of our past together. And it hurts worse now.

I tried so hard yesterday to ignore that it was their birthday but I couldn't. Every time I saw the date it reminded me. And with every reminder I felt a stabbing in my gut.

Every year I did my best to at least wish them a happy birthday. I did my best to give them a handmade card and a gift of some kind. And even if I didn't have cash I would use my food assistance and gift them their favorite food. Then I would hang out with them or spend the night and we would have fun. Or I had fun. I don't know for sure how they felt now. Maybe to them I was nothing but an inconvenience. Who knows.

I have the hardest time. I want to wish them a happy birthday anyway. I want them to know I still think about them on their birthday and hope their birthday is fun. I wanted to hate them so much but I apparently can't. I miss them and the fun that I thought we had when we had it. When I was included.

Regards,

TNL Barth

[just-my-type-x]

Night Outs and Nightclubs

Angst

A/N: whatever i say in this imagine is purely fictional. In no way am i targeting Brad of having this type of behaviour and in no way am i projecting his behaviour in this imagine as being real in his day-to-day lifestyle. + another A/N at the end, pls read that before u start the imagine ♥️

Synopsis: y/n is also an artist and she recently has a radio interview where she has to confront the fans' rumours about her and Brad being more than friends. Her answer makes Brad reconsider their situation and take wrong decisions.

I put the headphones on my head and wait for Chris to introduce me to our listeners. I take a deep breath and say hi to everyone listening, followed by him applauding.

"Thank you, thank you", i laugh and he moves his microphone closer to his mouth

"Welcome back to BBC Radio 1, y/n, it's so good to have you back, it's been a while."

"Thank you, Chris. I know.. It's been like two years?", i ask him and we both frown, thinking about it.

"I think so, yeah. How have you been, love?"

"We're still not going to date, mate", he bursts out laughing and i smirk at the camera that's filming us

"I didn't even get friendzoned, i got matezoned. Well, this is new for me. But seriously, how have you been, what's new? I saw you were a supporting act for The Vamps on their latest tour. How did that work out for you? Since you've been in the game for almost as much as them, how was the experience of being a supportive act? ", he asks while checking his notes for any missing questions

"I've been very well, thank you, I'm very proud of my latest music video and I'm so glad it received its deserved praise haha. Secondly, i loved supporting the boys, they're great company and I've known them for a lifetime to be honest. It felt like a very refreshing time, because I had just gotten back from my tour and i stuttered a bit before agreeing to support them, but I'm glad i made the right decision.", i smile and take a sip of my coffee

"That's so nice to hear. I will say tho that I've seen a lot of comments regarding your reason for touring with them and if you don't mind, let's clear some things up for your fans, shall we?", he asks and pins me with his eyes, asking me, in a way, if i feel comfortable doing so. I agree and take another deep breath, making sure it can't be heard in my mic. "A lot of fans said that you're involved with one of The Vamps boys and that's the reason you actually went om tour with them. Also, a lot of people had pointed out that your boyfriend hasn't been in the picture for some time. Did anything happen?"

I chuckle before answering and i bite my lip. "He hasn't been in the picture because we broke up two or three months into the greatest hits tour. It was a really tough breakup because i didn't see it coming, honestly, i just woke up one day and my relationship was over."

"Was there a certain reason for the breakup?"

"Actually, yes, and it sucks because it was based on rumours. He saw a lot of comments, tweets, posts on Instagram about Brad and I and there were people shipping us, others were speculating about what we're doing, how they think we're closer as the days go by... Apparently he thought i was cheating on him with Brad and he decided to believe some rumours, rather than believing his 2 year girlfriend.",i exhale sharply when i finish talking

"You know he wasn't the right one when you see him do something dumb like this. No offence tho.", Chris chuckles and i smile. "Was there anything in particular that made things believe that?"

"Oh my Gosh, Chris, not you too.", we laugh and i take another sip of my coffee. "No, i would never date Brad. We work together way too much, we have the same management, record label, it'll be way too complicated. What people don't know it's that we wouldn't be allowed to work this much together afterwards and it would be a pity."

"There you have it folks. You heard it here first. This is BBC Radio 1 and we'll be back in 2".

We take our headphones off and take a quick break.

~~~~

I enter Tristan's apartment and throw my bag on the sofa and take off my shoes. I don't live in London, so whenever i have press interviews or radios to attend to, Tristan offered to let me stay with him for those few days. We've always been really close and helped each other with anything, so I'm really glad he offered to do that. I enter the kitchen and i raise an eyebrow when i see Tristan having lunch with Brad.

"Hello there", i say surprised and walk over to hug Brad.

"Hey", he says with a cold voice, but i brush it off almost immediately

"What are you doing here?"

"I have writing sessions with Olly Murs and Mabel these 2 weeks", his attention falls back on his food and i nod, giving Tristan a questioning look. He shrugs his shoulders and takes a bite of his pasta. I murmur a quick ok and head to the fridge to get a water bottle.

"You have food in that bag, we wanted it to keep warm until you got home. Oh and we're going out tonight. Are you feeling groovy?", Tris asks as he dances around me with his pasta plate in his hands. I laugh and catch him by the waist to stop moving around.

"I don't think so, i was supposed to meet up with a friend tonight. I'll see for sure later, but I'm definitely not down for a nightclub.", i chuckle and sit at the table to eat. Brad looks at me from the other end of the table with a sad look and i frown, but he gets up and puts his dishes in the sink.

Hours go by and i end up staying at home, watching tiktoks, when a friend texts me.

F: ayy, y/n, how come you never introduced me to Brad and Tristan before?

I look confused at the text

Me: no reason, why?

F: sent you a video

F: sent you a video

F: sent you 4 photos

My eyes grow wide at the screen, as my chest tightens with a weird feeling. Brad's leaning on five different girls, talking to them so close to their faces that he might as well kiss them. Unless he, of course, did, as i scroll through the photos and i see him kissing one of the girls from the previous video.

Me: they're so drunk :))

F: wtf no, they haven't drunk anything so far. They're for real having fun:))

I leave her on read as i feel some jealousy creeping in. While we were touring, after my breakup, Brad and i did get really comfortable and maybe too friendly with each other. We had a lot of fun together and we would always hang out before the show and backstage. It went on like this for about 3 months and every day i felt closer to him. But what i said in the interview was true, there were so many factors that our relationship might have messed up. Tho our management is very chill and gives us freedom to do whatever we want, we wouldn't bd able to work together on most occasions. And i know he's aware of that too. He's also the one to say this first, how their career is now at a peak it hasn't been in a while, so they don't want that to get messed up. I'm also their friend, i can't be so selfish that I'd prefer to be with Brad and mess up with their scheduling and work days.

I toss the phone to my side and almost an hour later, i hear the keys in the lock. I check the time and it's a bit past 2AM,which is weird for any of them to be home at this hour.

I wait until the door is closed and i get out of the guest's room, only to find Brad taking off his shoes, his eyes scanning my exposed legs because of the pj shorts.

"Where's Tris?", i ask, crossing my arms at my chest

"He left with someone, he'll be back in the morning", Brad manages to offer me a half smile and i almost rolled my eyes at him, but he turned his back at me to get to his room.

I follow him and i lean on the door frame and watch from behind him how he unbuttons his shirt.

"I saw you had fun tonight", a chuckle leaves his mouth, followed by a shake of his head

"Oh yeah, wild night actually. Your friend is awesome", i swallow the heavy feeling in my throat and straighten my position in the doorframe. He turns around to face me and my eyes fall on his exposed chest and abdomen.

"You had fun with my friend?", my voice is a bit more raised

"Does that bother you? She didn't seem to be", he smirks and takes off his shirt, throwing it on the bed.

"Bradley..", i warn and get closer to him. He raises an eyebrow, waiting for me to continue. "You were on every single girl in that club, why did you have to hook up with my friend?", i throw my hands around and he smirks

"I didn't hook up only with her, don't be so dramatic", my cheeks heat up from his words

"Brad, did you really make out with those girls?"

"Are you jealous? Does it bother you? If yes, why?", Brad sits on the bed and waits for me to answer, but i just stare at him. "Good, because since you'll never date me, i have no reason to wait for you", he gets up again and walks toward his bathroom

"Wait for me? What are you talking about? And stop showing me your back when you're talking to me!", i walk in front of him and press my pointing finger on his well defined chest

"You're a smart woman, y/n, figure it out. I need to shower, please move out of the way or i will pick you up and throw you on my bed.", Brad's eyes darken at his own words and out breathing gets heavier.

"Bradley, answer me", i hold his gaze and i feel my eyes burn in the back of my head. Hr walks closer to me and i walk backwards until i hit the bathroom door with my back, his face dangerously close to mine.

"Stop saying my name like that", he almost whispers and i put my hands on his abdomen, pushing him back a few steps

"Stop being as close to me as you were with those girls"

"So you really are jealous. Why tho? You said really clearly that you'll never date me. I moved on with my life", Brad walks away from me, putting his shirt back on, since it doesn't look like he's gonna shower soon.

"Is this about my interview this morning?", i frown at him, but he stays silent, buttoning his shirt. "What would you have wanted me to say? That I'm in love with you and that i was so glad my ex broke up with me? I've gotten so many dms and comments about you and i, i saw how people see us and how nobody wants me next to you. It was a lie so i could take the attention off us for a while in 5 months. ", i take a deep breath and he scratches the back of his head. "Why couldn't you just ask me? Talk to me? You went out and made out with all those girls for what?"

"So you're saying it's my fault i screwed up", he let's his arms fall next to his body, his palms hitting his thighs

"I wasn't the one clubbing tonight", i cross my arms at my chest and we stay in silence a few moments.

"Fuck", Brad swears and takes two big steps until he reaches me and cups my face with hid hands, crushing his lips on mine, his tongue licking my bottom lip. I give him permission and his tongue touches mine with every movement and my teeth sink in his bottom lip, pulling at it gently. His hands fall on my ass, tracing the form of my ass cheeks. I take a step forward, getting closer to him, pulling at his shirt collar and keeping him close to my body. "Fuck, y/n", he moans and i push him on the bed. He falls back and holds himself up with his elbows, watching my every move. I get on top of him and i straddle his lap, his hand forming a chokehold on my neck as he pulls me to kiss him. He falls back on the bed and i lean more on him, not breaking the kiss. Brad's other hand holds my waist and the other one frees my neck, caressing my breasts with it before moving it to my waist too.

"Is this a mistake?", i break the kiss and i ask him, heavily breathing.

"I don't care", he answers, his lips back on mine.

A/N: i couldn't fit this at the beginning bc it was too much, so, I also have to apologise for something. I wrote this over yesterday when that club video went out and over today, while i was in class, and i didn't know the entire story behind what actually happened behind the scenes of that video until now. I apologise and if the story wasn't already finished and scheduled for today, i wouldn't have posted this imagine. At first i loved how it would've been a great context, but now i know more things and i really don't want it to seem disrespectful or look like I've profited off that. Again, I'm not trying to picture Brad's behaviour as being like this in reality or that his behaviour should be taken for granted.

[allthebleus]

Our Beloved Summer.

Episode 10. (Rant and my halfass attempt at analysis).

Before I start crying about today's episode, I have a genuine question for everyone saying the episode was a "filler" or coming at Woong;

Do you guys really think he's stupid? Or that oblivious? Or do you think all of his actions are driven from misguided moral righteousness?

I don't intend to be mean, but after sitting through the admittedly, "slow" plot progression by general kdrama standards, we ought not to expect the show to do a 180 and suddenly fall into line with traditional tropes.

Yeonsu went to his home, 5-6 days after their trip, in a fit of anger and desperation to demand to know what he was doing. She did not say, 'Why did you kiss me?' She said, "Why did you kiss me and not call?". The dialogue writing is very important, because these characters will not spell out everything every time, and the subtle details give away their real emotions.

Now, she has confronted Woong and has told him she doesn't understand why he's doing what he's doing. She called him "trash" for playing with her emotions, she might not have said those words, but she implied it. Heavily.

Woong isn't dumb and oblivious. Not to the extent both the audience and characters assume. He knows what she said, and though he isn't sure how much, I'm sure he feels at some level that she loves him still. Just like he loves her.

Woong is now doing what Yeonsu did years ago. He's putting up walls to protect himself. Like I thought, the show is now egging on the emotional side of Yeonsu and the logical side of Woong. His story has transitioned from just centered around their breakup to the deeper realities of his life. His reasoning for being friends isn't delusion, it is helplessness. He loves her, so much that despite knowing the reality of both their feelings, and his fear of abandonment, he is willing to keep her in his life. As friends, if that is all they can be. But his first priority now, is his heart and his emotions.

Woong isn't oblivious, not even to NJ. He might not have caught on to the underlying ploy she has in regards to bringing them into public like that. He is aware she is pursuing him, which is why he immediately puts a stop to it. Every time she suggests smth beyond a general public standard interaction for friends, Woong shuts it down. He refuses to call their spent time a "date" and he refuses to go up to her apartment, regardless of what NJ says she meant. He is firm in saying no.

It's important the audience has patience. The show will not thrust the main characters back into a relationship. I had thought that was obvious. In normal romcoms and romance dramas, characters who have conflict are often forced together almost immediately once the audience is aware of their feelings. But the issue with that is that the conflict never gets resolved. The end result of such a relationship will be the same as the previous one, and we don't want that.

Now, moving on to the episode.

The storytelling??? Is so brilliant. I can't keep repeating this but holy hell is this amazing.

The way the narrative shift in terms of emotional portrayal has caused a fit of support for Yeonsu is honestly a little amusing. A lot of the audience has gone from trying to protect Woong to disagreeing with his actions. Y'all traitors istg.

I like how the show doesn't force the romance as an isolated thing. I'll get into this later, but everyone who thinks there is little to no progression ought to rewatch the show.

As audience, I think its important we go into each episode without the frustration regarding the main lead rs. Otherwise we'll miss everything the production is doing to bring them back together.

For one, Yeonsu is now clearly missing the cues. Woong never actually asking her to leave properly, his jealousy from the previous episode, him reminding her to take the bus, him turning on the lights for her. Him going to her house to give her back that pouch, sitting through the grandmother's harshness and taking it all in without bursting. And still, the pain in his eyes, as he tells himself more so than her, that yes, they can be friends. Yeonsu is so caught up in the pain of the possibility that she will lose him forever, that she isn't seeing how hard he's trying to hold himself together.

I do think the best thing for these two, is a heartfelt talk. But not yet. They are not ready for it. Woong is still apprehensive of letting her in again. I think only recently, has he realized how much power she still holds over him, now that the resentment is dissolving. And it terrifies him. He got sick, not because of the rain, but the fear that he'd lose her all over again. Woong refuses to put himself back in that position, where Yeonsu can abandon him. He, again, like Yeonsu, makes the choice for both of them.

It's not fair, but its normal. He is aware how much he loves her, but he's fighting this battle with himself. Like she did. And its a good thing. Both of them deserve to have closure, but before they can, they need to let go of their resentment and pain and learn what went wrong in the first place.

Woong got his ass handed to him at Yeonsu's house, and where I do think she'd been a bit too harsh. I'm glad he heard what he did about Yeonsu. "How can I be nice to someone who made you cry?" is again very clever writing. It is never specified if Yeonsu being hurt is about their breakup solely or their rs too. This, backed with Yeonsu's, "I want to hear something you never said while we were together", is setting the grounds for accountability for him. He needs to accept his faults, and correct them, before he decides finally what he wants for his rs with Yeonsu.

Yeonsu's emotions are now stripped bare. Now that she is no longer defensive, or resentful about the past. She's finally realizing her mistakes. Where all her reasons had been valid, in sense, she is now realizing that she was wrong too. That Woong was collateral damage in her personal struggle. And that brings pain along with shit ton of emotions. Her realizing that she loves him still, and always has, is so bittersweet because in her perspective, she may be watching him slip from between her fingers. And just now, is she truly feeling the fear of losing him, forever.

The character growth is so subtle but so important regarding both of them. I'm very happy with the way they're bettering themselves but apart. Immediate confrontation would leave the problem lingering just beneath the surface. Instead, in this episode and the previous one. We see the characters grow slowly. Yeonssu has begun to express her emotions. She is now lowering the walls of nonchalance she's built on account of her pride. And Woong has begun to be expressive in what he thinks is best.

Yeonsu going to Soli for advice, admitting her defeat and confusion and then admitting to herself and her grandmother her emotions is important. Instead of holding a strong, nonchalant front, Yeonsu expresses her pain for the first time. And now she is on the path of proving that she did care, that she always did. And this is important because Woong's forever dilemma was about how she was so nonchalant. "How can you pretend nothing happened?" From him, and the parallel now in her is baby steps in the right direction.

Woong choosing to express clearly that he wishes to be friends with her, and then with NJ, his verbal affirmation for her emotions is important. He's also shown to us, in a more mature light, emotionally.

I don't like NJ particularly, not because she is pursuing Woong, because she has every right to. But because of the way she goes about it. Like I said, he's her distraction, an amusement. She treats him like a toy, and her attitude toward him, pulling and pushing as she pleases is hurtful to him. She does see him in a more mature light than Yeonsu had, she doesn't chalk him up to just childish. And perhaps had she gone about this differently, and he had been interested, they'd been better for each other.

Jiung too, is obviously caught up in his pain, and Yeonsu is an escape from it. I do feel bad for him, and the scene with peaches is truly heartbreaking. But he needs to snap out of it quick, and realize that he hasn't gone too far. He can still choose to see Yeonsu for all she is, and not a mere escape from reality or finally something attainable.

A lot of people are asking what the purpose of NJ is, and what the point of Jiung's crush is. Yes, a lot of it is about dramatics of it all. But notice the subtler things. Like how these relationships give the main leads a break from each other. It is obvious that neither Woong nor Yeonsu dated again, on account of their heartbreak. And now, this is a way of them seeing what life would or could be like with someone but each other. Today's title was, "Hello, My Soulmate" but its clear that Yeonsu and Woong do not fit typical soulmates definition. They are not perfect for each other. They are soulmates because they will choose each other, over and over again and for that to happen, they must be given a choice.

I like how both of them, are able to be there in emotional capacity for their new friends. I also like how Woong is very perceptive of Jiung, he knows something is up even if he's not sure what it is. I like how the reveal of Jiung's feelings was not some sort of cliché confrontation but rather, Woong seeing the way Jiung sees Yeonsu from his eyes. I'm not sure if Woong will confront him or not, or how he will proceed. But I'm really glad there are no theatrics just for the sake of it between these two friends.

Jiung and Woong's friendship time lapse over the years was a very nice detail, I'm glad we got to see them sharing the same room for sleepovers and then the subtle ways Woong makes sure the dynamic never puts him with an 'upper hand'. He switches between the sleeping bag and the bed, and then chooses in present time to sleep on the sofa instead of his bed. I think that explains how deeply Woong cares and how the "debt" Jiung feels is hanging over his head when he thinks of his feelings for Yeonsu is nonexistent to Woong.

(Also cannot wait to learn where Woong's abandonment issues originate from, whether he's adopted or not is not a given but if he is then boy are some of these characters in for a whooping for speaking about Woong without thinking.)

Also, I do think its important to note that Woong had always been underestimated and sidelined, even by his very loving parents. Them not having time for him, not recognizing his emotional maturity and his pain and loneliness and then the other characters doing the same is also a part of his personal struggle irrespective of whether or not he's adopted. He is never given the opportunity to prove himself in those terms, so he never learns how to with words. I also wonder why he has a hard time expressing vulnerability verbally, I do hope we revisit this soon.

One more thing I adore is how this show portrayed artists, Woong saying he does not want to draw for NJ instead of them making him conjure a drawing for her to further complicate their relationship for the sake of dramatics is very important. Other than this, as a very amateur writer myself, I understand his reasoning for not wanting to seriously pursue drawing in the first place, and then after finding refuge in it, his refusal for showing himself. It isn't dramatic, it's just what he prefers. Its perfect.

It'll be interesting to see the progression of the plot now. I don't think that conflict will be resolved before the last two episodes, because there is still room for the main leads to grow and the second leads to realize what they're fucking up. But regardless, next week's episodes are going to be even more devastating and I honestly cannot wait.

[dancing-to-architecture]

37 - Muse - Black Holes and Revelations (2006)

As Mellon Collie was to high school, this album was to college/post-college. I have some pretty distinct mentors of driving around Bloomington-Normal with this album cranked.

Here's hoping it doesn't also emotionally devastate me!

Take a Bow-

i believe in every single word of this song, unironically.

Incredibly violent things need to happen to every single one of the terrible people in power.

Starlight-

I will never understand the fear some people have of alien life, and i can day with zero hesitation that if they offered me a way off this rock, i would take it.

Supermassive Black Hole-

(Because the girl he's talking about really, REALLY sucks.)

Fun fact: a girl i was seeing at the time wanted to sing this one with me at karaoke.

That relationship didn't work out for a wonderful and complicated variety of terrible reasons with a whole cast of characters at fault.

...I didn't see the irony in her song choice for quite some time.

Map of the Problematique-

"I can't get it right since i met you"

Yeah, i already talked about the bad relationship this album is associated with in my brain, let's not belabor the point.

Soldier's Poem-

(If it's not scrawled in Sharpie on a latrine wall, is it REALLY a "soldier's poem"? Just saying.)

So, this album came out in 2006. The US invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan ended with a spectacular plop in 2021, but even in 2006 anyone who was paying attention knew that we were just wasting lives, money, influence, and time on some horrible bullshit that George W only did to make his daddy smile.

I defy any soldier not to resonate with the lyrics, here.

"How could you send us so far away from home?

When you know damn well that this is wrong

-

There's no justice in this world

And there never was."

Invincible-

Please, please, let all of this radicalize you rather than lead you to despair. They may kill some of us, but they know that they can't kill all of us.

Question is: will you die on your feet, or on your knees?

Assassin-

Okay, see, i was worried about this album putting me down a bad mental rabbit hole regarding one of the worst breakups in my life, but I'm starting to think this album might actually be why I'm an anarchist.

I'm still eternally amazed that in a nation that has so many crazies and so many guns, we haven't had that many political assassinations, all things said and done.

I guess the right-wing psycho spree killers nowadays go after softer targets... like schools.

Exo-politics-

The recent drippings of military disclosure about UAP (unexplained aerial phenomena) still makes me feel like it's an op.

At the risk of sounding like a crazy myself, yeah, i would bet that there's stuff our government knows regarding alien life, but they have to sit on it because "releasing evidence that destroys the very concept of all organized human religions" might be a Bad Thing.

•City of Delusion-

"Destroy this city of delusion

And break these walls down

And i will avenge

And justify my reasons with your blood

You will not rest or settle for less

Until you guzzle and squander what's left

Do not deny

That you live and let die."

Eat. The. Rich.

•Hoodoo-

"I've had recurring nightmares that i was loved for who I am

And missed the opportunity to be a better man."

Yeah, i get that.

•Knights of Cydonia-

Honestly this one always just brings me back to one of the better party nights I can remember, me and a few buddies from college (two of whom are now openly living as trans women and ladies, i love you both and miss the hell out of ya) drinking and playing guitar hero 2 until we developed what we referred to as "the twisted claw" trying to get through this and Metallica's "One" on hard/expert.

Any other thing i might derive from this song is simply overwhelmed by that memory, though "Don't waste your time or time will waste you." is one hell of a great line and the video is incredible and should be watched.

•Glorious-

Wait, where did this come from? Knights was the last song on the album, wasn't it? Oh, it's on the Japanese release. Okay.

The guitar kicks ass on this one, the climbing chords just go on and on..

Has a big "there will be fighting, but i assure you, it will be worth it" vibe, but honestly i think Knights is the better album-closer.

Gotta say, it's pretty nice anticipating a swath of emotional trauma and instead ending this album fired up, ready to lace up my combat boots and kick the shit out of a fascist, while also pretty depressed that they called what's happening over fifteen years ago.

Favorite Track: Knights of Cydonia forever

Least Favorite Track: Supermassive Black Hole and all the bad feelings associated with it.

[hillerska-official]

Wille’s LED Lights

So I think a lot of us will recall the colour theory post of yore. I reference this post all the time, but as I am wont to do I put too much thought into a joke and now I’ve read the entire Wikipedia article on colour psychology and am here to psychoanalyze my baby boy.

I think the most important thing to take away about colour psychology is just how shaky it is - eg. the article cites one study which showed men perceiving a RED screen as lasting longer than an equivalent BLUE screen, but notes that another study found the exact opposite result. 

A lot of the reason for this probably comes down to the second and sixth of 6 principles listed in the article: reaction to colour can be either learned OR innate, and the meaning of a colour is affected by context. This means there is a differing effect based on factors like age, gender, culture, and personal experiences, which I think is important in considering how colour will effect a young, queer*, cultural figurehead like Wille - he exists very much outside of the studied ‘norm’.

*unlabeled, but I say queer here to note that he is specifically not straight, and as such does not conform to some gendered rules of society (specifically regarding his attraction to other genders within canon, but also his own identity for the he/they Wille fans out there).

So what do Wille’s red LED lights mean?

There are a few basic observations to be made: red has been linked to positive performances in sports, which is interesting given Wille’s position on the rowing team (as well as his referenced past in riding). It is also linked with skin pallor, denoting things like health or higher levels of testosterone. Extroverts have shown a preference for warmer colours such as red, and seeing how he parties even when he isn’t mid-life-shattering-tragedy, the boy does like to get out despite his sometimes shy demeanor.

Moving on to the real colour theory though, the person in the meme was technically correct in saying red tends to have more positive associations than negative: lust, power, excitement, and love are all things the article lists as being commonly associated with the colour red. We really see all of these crop up at one point or another in Willes storyline, as well as the major negative connotation red has: anger.

(as a side note, the study which connects red to arousal/attractiveness was specifically conducted on straight people which I think is simultaneously unsurprising, hilarious, and totally unhelpful to me!)

Anyways I think that it’s very interesting that red is associated with both good and bad emotions, and is one of the most cited examples throughout the whole article - if nothing else, humans NOTICE the colour red. I think the wide range of emotion connected to the colour is very reflective of Willes complex and turbulent emotions throughout s1 of Young Royals, and the fact that they are most prominently displayed (i.e. they’re on) when he is torn between things,  tells us that in a way they can mean all of these various emotions, even all at once. Red is Wille’s crossroads.

1. When Simon invites Wille to the soccer game (a choice between Simon and rowing practice)

2. When Wille asks Simon to delete his story from Instagram (he’s looking at the school handbook, obviously contemplating what he wants)

3. After he and Simon have broken up and he’s hiding in his room (Changes in their relationship status)

4. When Alex comes by to bring Wille to the Society meeting/party (This is the opposite end of their breakup, just before the football field scene).

(You can see each of these moments, plus the times they appear off, here.)

A fun colour theory bonus to congratulate you on reading this whole thing:

YELLOW, which appears prominently in the lighting of some of our favourite Wilmon scenes (morning after, fish tank, Lucia) is the colour generally preferred by babies before they become cognizant of cultural expectations surrounding colour, which means the golden-yellow light these scenes are bathed in is innately good/pleasing to humans before our and societies expectations weigh us down, as they do Wille and Simon throughout the show.

[radiosandrecordings]

Something I really like in the interpersonal dynamics of TMA is the portrayal of ex’s. There are a few mentions scattered throughout the statements but I wanna talk specifically about Jon and Georgie, and Tim and Sasha.

Jon and Georgie. Oh boy, where do I even start here. I have so many feelings about their relationship in general so it’s kind of difficult to untangle how I feel about them as a whole and the role they serve within the whole show’s examination of dynamics from their actual former romantic relationship. But, along with TimSasha, I think the thing I like about it is how little it’s brought up? I think it’s possibly only mentioned once, in 106, with Melanie telling Basira about it. At that stage we’d known Georgie for 26 episodes, and had Jon living with her, and they never mention it. I mean, we only get glimpses of their conversation on tape, maybe they did, but we don’t know for certain. The important thing is our experience as an audience and how they’re portrayed to us. 

They have this extremely fraught and complicated dynamic and it’s my favourite in the whole show, because each believes themselves to be right in the actions they’re taking, because they each are very stubborn and have these deep-seated mindsets, plus Georgie is working with imperfect information about what exactly is happening in Jon’s life. And it would be so easy, expected even for a lesser show, to have this culminate in a conflict where one of them yells “This is exactly why we broke up!” or “This is just like you, you’ve always been like this” or “This is just like (x y z time)!”. 

But that never happens! I don’t think we ever get any references to what they were like as a couple. We just have to take their dynamic as it is, because whatever they were like in the past is something they’ve put behind them. It ended on bad terms, but for regular Young Adult Break-Up reasons. They’re adults now, they have new problems like Being Framed For Murder, and The Apocalypse. And it’s just really refreshing to see them deal with new problems and not stale ones from the past that they’ve buried. 

This extends to how Martin interacts with Georgie as well. When they first meet, Georgie is aware that Jon is in love with him, and Martin clearly knows they were staying together, if not that they used to be together from him calling her “Jon’s Georgie”. And yet they conflict for how the other treats Jon, not because of any dating based tension, especially surprising considering Martin has a whole list of people he’s been jealous of in regards to Jon. Which means it’s allowed to become a trait which, while not good, never leads to any actual conflict. I really like that because that would just feel out of place in the narrative, to have all this massive complicated web of dynamics and grievances going on and then have “You dated the guy I like 10ish years ago, and that’s why I hate you” as one of them. It would feel a little immature in a story about people closing in on 30 if it was allowed to grow beyond something brought up in minor scenes as flavour text and become a  whole dynamic definer, especially in a show where each dynamic is supposed to be a specific type of exploration of relationships.  

The same could be said of Jon and Melanie. The two famously don’t get on, finding any reason really to go for each other’s throats a lot of the time, even when it can be taken more literally as ‘scalpel to the shoulder’. I’ve made jokes about this scenario’s hilarity before, but in actual fact I’m glad that there’s never anything made of “The girl who hates me stole my girlfriend”. Because Georgie doesn’t belong to either of them, she’s not a pawn in any of their fights. She’s a woman who can make her own decisions and form opinions independent from who she’s dating. 

And then there’s Tim and Sasha. Something they were so chill about, we, the audience, didn’t know about it for 162 episodes. It’s a lovely little scene really, it tells us so little but also so much. They have an “Ill-advised hook-up” and Tim is convinced something more will come of it. Sasha laughs and tells him that she doesn’t agree. And then the conversation continues on. He doesn’t push her on it, doesn’t even ask her why, just lets it go. From Sasha referencing that she’s “pretty sure we already established it’s a ‘wont they” it might hint that this is a conversation they’d had before, but honestly from the light tone I want to give Tim the benefit of the doubt and say Sasha is just referencing the general fallout of their fling that made it, to Tim’s own description, ‘ill-advised’. And unlike Jongeorgie, after this breakup, Tim and Sasha remain close friends and co-workers. Tim continues to care about Sasha even when it’s clear she doesn’t have any romantic interest in him and no longer any sexual interest, because he genuinely cares about her as his friend. He jokes around with her and curses out both Jon and Elias and they’re just good to each other. They platonically care so much that Sasha is literally willing to risk her life to save Tim when he doesn’t notice Prentiss in episode 39. 

And again, jealousy never comes into play. When the Not!Sasha starts going out with ‘Tom’ - Literally one letter away from his own name! - It would be so easy to have some of Tim’s anger in season two manifest in jealousy about that. About wondering what this guy has that he clearly doesn’t when Sasha has moved on to someone else. But that never happens, at least as it’s presented to the audience, because Tim is genuinely a nice guy and respects her decisions (Aside from the fact that isn’t Sasha but y’know. He thinks it is). 

Overall it’s just very, very good to see a show where characters are allowed to have (had) romantic/sexual relationships but these not define their dynamics or for this to extend to how other character’s perceive them. A lot of media will often introduce the ‘evil ex’ because for some reason I feel like people tend to forget sometimes that whatever happens later, we date people because in the first place there was something there that we liked? And not every breakup has to ruin our ability to see that. It’s also maybe a little reflective of the fact that every relationship I analysed there involved at least one queer person? (Well, every person I mentioned is queer except canon Sasha. Sorry love) Because just from my experience and my friend groups that’s how it can often be. It’s just another way in which TMA has my favourite character dynamic writing and really knows how to give it’s characters complex connections without letting them fall into stereotypes. 

[fanmoose12]

He's invited to their engagement party. Levi doesn't know if it's a cruel joke or a horrible misunderstanding. Quite frankly, he's not sure what's worse. He decides not to go either way. He doesn't think his heart can take it. And he doubts he'd be a welcomed guest there anyway.

But then Moblit visits their office. He doesn't come to Hange, doesn't bring flowers or other gifts. No, he goes straight to him.

"Can we talk, Levi?" he pocks his head inside, smiling slightly. The smile is painfully awkward, and yet endlessly sincere. What a fucking sweetheart, Levi thinks bitterly. So different from him. Perhaps, that's why Hange chose him in the end.

"What do you want?" he grunts, staring at his computer screen and trying to appear busier than he actually is. But Moblit either doesn't get the hint, or doesn't care. Wearing that same damn smile, he walks further into Levi's office and sits down on a chair that stands by his desk.

"It's about the engagement party," he gets straight to the point, almost leaving Levi breathless. The audacity... And he thought the other man was a sweetheart. "You're the only one who didn't give an answer..."

Levi hopes Moblit doesn't ask for his reason. Calling Hange's fiance a fucking moron would probably destroy what little relationship they still have.

"I know your history with Hange isn't the simplest one..." the smile falters for a second, but doesn't leave Moblit's face completely. "But she still holds you in high regard. She would want you to be there for her."

What an insolent fucking bastard. Wants him to be there? Wants to have his heart ripped out, more likely. Levi doesn't believe Hange is that cruel.

But if what Moblit tells him is true... If Hange really wants him to come, then he simply has no choice. He always had trouble with saying no to her, after all.

He makes this hard decision surprisingly easy.

"I'll be there, don't worry," he tells Moblit.

The man beams. He reaches out and catches Levi's hand, shaking it heartily. "Thank you so much," he says. "It'll mean so much to Hange, and I just want to make her happy, you know?"

More than you'll ever know, Levi thinks.

But, truth be told, he doesn't understand Moblit. If he was in his place - and there was a time where he almost was - he would never invite Hange's assholish ex to their engagement party, he'd rather kick his ass, and hard. But, perhaps, that's the difference between them, the difference that made Hange choose Moblit over him. Moblit places her happiness well above his own. And Levi can't thank him enough for that.

He can try, though.

"Thank you as well," he murmurs, and for a moment, Moblit's eyes fill with confusion. But then that second passes, and he seems to understand him, and his gaze softens, as he gives Levi a small nod.

"See you soon," he says, and leaves Levi's office.

He stares at the closed door for another minute, trying to understand what had possessed him to agree to it. To willingly go and celebrate Hange's engagement to another man... Something is definitely wrong with him.

That's called torturing yourself, a malicious voice in his head whispers.

Levi's intent to agree.

***

He realizes what a mistake he made pretty quickly. Two seconds after entering the café Moblit had rented out for the occasion, to be exact.

He walks in, sees Hange and Moblit in a middle of a room, dancing, while everyone cheers on them, and wants to walk out immediately.

The song choice is awful as well. He always hated Walk the Moon.

He's still by the door, and, maybe, if he leaves now, no one would notice. He almost turns back but then-

Then he remembers.

She would want you to be there for her

With a deep sigh that gets lost in a loud beat of music, he walks inside. He moves as discreetly as possible, avoiding everyone's curious eyes, as he tries to find a seat in the deepest, darkest corner of the café.

He finds it, fortunately. And, surprisingly, someone is already occupying it. His eyes widen, as he recognizes Petra. Soft-spoken and sweet, she can't exactly be called a life of the party. Yet for her to be hiding in the corner... It's a little bit strange, Levi can't deny it.

His thoughts about Petra are chased away when a new song comes in.

Oh, her eyes, her eyes

Make the stars look like they're not shinin'

God, if there is someone he hates more than Walk the Moon, it's Bruno Mars. The song is fitting though, he can't deny.

She is perfect just the way she is.

He turns away from Petra and heads for the bar.

He orders vodka on the rocks for himself, and - because he can be a gentleman sometimes - he also asks for a cocktail that is so sugary it can probably give one cavities for Petra.

When he sits next to her, handing her a drink, Petra smiles and thanks him. A faint blush colors her cheeks too, but Levi ignores it, churning it up to the poor lighting of the room. He ignores Petra's attempt at conversation as well, gladly he has all the reason to - the music is too loud to hear anything else. For once, Levi is thankful for that.

Petra keeps glancing at him, though, and the red on her face gets more prominent, and with a deep sigh Levi turns to her.

Petra is pretty, incredibly so. Only a blind wouldn't see it. Only a blind wouldn't see her obvious crush on him as well. Petra is sweet and pretty, maybe, he should talk to her. Maybe, it'd ease some of his heartbreak. Not all of it, obviously. Only one person can do it. The person who is still twirling around with the man who is not him.

His hand is almost reaching to her, his fingers are almost at her forearm, when a fucking photo montage begins.

Set to A Thousand Years.

He curses and bolts out of his place. Even he is not masochistic enough to watch hundreds of photos with the love of his fucking life in the arms of another man.

He walks outside and takes a deep breath. His tense muscles relaxe instantly when the sounds of music and laughter and delighted cheering fades away. He leans against the bricked wall and directs his gaze up to the sky. Stars aren't visible yet, the wind is slightly too harsh to be standing in just jacket and shirt and he forgot his cigarette pack, but Levi chases those complaints away.

He's almost content and he intends to stay this way, but then-

The door opens, and Levi turns to it with a scowl, thinking that it's Petra who decided to follow him. He realizes his mistake immediately, and his breath hitches, when he is met with those brown deep eyes.

Fuck.

He swiftly tears his gaze away, suddenly extremely aware of his heartbeat.

"Sorry!" Hange chuckles, the sound too hollow to be genuine. Out of the corner of his eyes, Levi sees her running a hand through her hair, messing it up even more. "I didn't wish to-"

"You didn't," he breathes out. He closes his eyes for a second, mustering all of his courage, and then looks up at her. "The street is wide enough to fit both of us. Stop being an idiot, four-eyes."

The nickname slips easily from his lips. It is only after he said it, only after he sees the shaken expression on Hange's face that realizes he hasn't called her that ever since their breakup.

He doesn't acknowledge his mistake. Bringing it up now means opening another can of worms he's not sure he can get through. Having Hange so close to him is already hard enough.

"Why aren't you inside?" he asks, attempting to sound nonchalant and not getting even close to achieving it. "A fience shouldn't skip her own engagement party. Especially when the photo montage is on..."

"Oh please," Hange huffs. "I stared so much at these photos while we selected them, I am getting sick just by looking at them. Besides," she pouts. "Moblit didn't let me share our private photos."

In spite of himself, Levi chuckles. "Are you saying photos like that exist?"

Hange snickers too. "Oh god, of course, they do not. I think Moblit would have a heart attack should I even offer to take a photo like that."

"So you're saying your fiancé is boring?"

Hange scoffs, and elbows him in a side. "I'm saying he's orderly."

"Same thing," Levi shrugs, and Hange laughs.

His treacherous heart skips a beat. Something warm spreads through him, as he listens to Hange's laughter. It grows warmer and spreads further, until it feels like he's enveloped by a sunlight - he's content, relaxed and happy. Hange always had such an effect on him.

She was the only who ever did.

"Thanks for coming," she tells him, after her laughter subdues. "I know it's probably awkward..."

"It's fine," he shakes his head.

"It's good to see you, Levi," a smile plays on her lips, the sweet and soft one that Levi always thought was reserved exclusively for him. He wonders if that is still true.

"It's good to see you too," he murmurs. "I'm glad you're happy, Hange," he adds, looking at her. There is a stray lock of hair right next to her nose, and he gently pushes it away, tucking it behind her ear. "If you need anything, know that I'm here for you. I always will be."

He turns away and leaves after that, before he does something stupid like confess his undying love.

That's probably the last thing Hange wants to hear anyway.

He walks inside the cafe and returns to Petra's side. He looks at her, the words "want to ditch that shitty party?" almost at the tip of his tongue. But then Hange walks back in and their eyes meet across the room. She lifts her lips in a smile and tentatively raises her hand, waving at him. Levi nods, fighting back a smile of his own. His eyes still soften, though.

The hand he had outstretched towards Petra falls limply to his side.

Maybe, she'd help him forget, maybe, she'd ease some - not all, obviously - of his heartache.

But, apparently, he's not a complete asshole, because he can't do it - not to Petra, not to himself.

Not to Hange.

He lifts a glass to his lips and turns his gaze to the small stage. There Moblit is telling some story - either about their first kiss or their first date, Levi doesn't listen to him at all. Instead his eyes are focused on Hange - the faint blush on her cheeks, her glistening eyes, as she keeps laughing, laughing, laughing. Their gazes lock for a second, and her eyes turn just a little bit brighter.

At least one of them is happy. Levi revels in that.