#regarding my CSA and why I feel shame for having feelings for anyone

[sassmill]

Oops

[engagemachine]

Been seeing a lot of discourse about dark Romance books and how it’s wrong to read or write it. And it’s so discouraging for me. Because I love to read and write it. What’s your opinion on dark romance? Do you think fiction is a safe space to explore Dark topics or does it effect reality too much for it to be safe? Love your writing and blog btw

Anon, I am truly so, so sorry to hear that you have been seeing a lot of discourse about 'dark' romance and why it's wrong to enjoy it. That genuinely breaks my heart. Too often I see these arguments crop up online about why dark fiction is so "problematic", and more often than not, absolutely none of the points being argued have so much as a leg to stand on. It's honestly pathetic, especially as their tactics lean more towards shaming others as opposed to creating a compelling or even literate debate. These are usually the same type of people who would argue that video games cause violence, and who accused rock music of being "satanic" back in the 90s.

The reality is that people have always been violent -- throughout all periods of history -- and people always will be violent. There is simply no correlation between one thing and the other. Can video games inspire violence? Sure. Can rock music inspire 'devil worship'? Certainly. But for the vast majority of people who seek to enjoy these things, that is simply not the case.

I will try to keep this brief as I honestly hate dredging up this topic and it brings me back to what was, essentially, a very dark period of time, both emotionally and in terms of what I was feeling towards my own writing, but many of you know that there were several users here on Tumblr (chiefly one in particular, who is no longer here) who had made it her personal mission to publicly berate me/my writings for my "glamorization of CSA". In response, I wrote an extensive post about the topic, which you can read here. Seriously, please read this, because it's important for you to know the difference between depiction and glamorization, and I'm not going to discuss that in this particular ask.

During that time, I received numerous 'anonymous' threats, messages telling me to kill myself, that I was a horrible person, that Heath Ledger and Christopher Nolan would be ashamed of me (lol) and that I was -- to phrase it in a nicer way than they did -- a piece of shit.

(Also, and this is kind of irrelevant, even though it's the first time I've spoken about it publicly: but I will also add that, one of the main reasons why this Tumblr user in question launched this public crusade against me in the first place was so that she could effectively turn readers away from my writing in an effort to shield people from the fact that she was blatantly plagiarizing my work to pad her own 'writing'. Which is absolute clown behavior on all fronts. Full stop.)

Anyway. These hateful threats from these 'anonymous' users thankfully did not have their intended affect -- that is so to say, there is nothing that anyone could ever say or do that would me stop writing -- however, I was briefly cowed into thoughts of submission, that maybe I should attempt to "dial back" my writing in favor or appealing to a wider or more general audience. I am ashamed to admit that elements of Burn were sped up that I am still grappling with -- in essence, Taylor's eighteenth birthday arriving much sooner within the narrative than I actually wanted it to -- simply so that Taylor would not be underaged during the consummation of her relationship with the Joker. Sometimes I think if I had the patience to go back and change things, I would, but I am far too invested in seeing the story forward at this point to want to make any major changes with the timeline. Also, if you'll read the above post that I linked, you'll see why Taylor's age is rather arbitrary in regards to her 'consent' anyway. That's a point I will argue to the grave.

I feel that so much of my own writing over the years has been censored (by my own hand) because I was often too afraid to "take it there" or go too dark for fear it would scare off readers. It wasn't until I wrote JK that I actually did "take it there" and go as dark as I really wanted, and I truly believe my writing blossomed because of it. It's worth noting that JK was the first time I'd ever looked at my writing and been incredibly proud of it, proud at how unflinchingly honest I was. That story bares my fucking soul. Sharing it, at the time, was one of the most vulnerable things I'd ever done.

To have that vulnerability challenged -- and even mocked, to some extent, by the crusade (read: toddler tirade) launched here against me on Tumblr -- felt not at all dissimilar to a knife to the gut.

I think one of the main reasons why people crusade against 'dark' fiction is because it makes them uncomfortable -- and, to a certain degree, it should make you uncomfortable. Not all writing is going to be rainbows and roses. Good, compelling writing should challenge the way you think, challenge the way perceive the world, make you question the things you thought you knew, etc.

Fiction thrives only because there is some form of conflict within the narrative: without conflict, you are stripped of the elements that make up a story. These efforts being made to "purify" fiction by ridding it of any elements that have been deemed "problematic" essentially strip a story of the very aspects that make it a story in the first place!

On a more personal note, I want to say something to you that I desperately wish someone would have said to me when I was a young teen nervously wishing she could write the things she wanted to write, someone who wished she did not feel such intense guilt for reading the things I used to read:

it is absolutely OK to like dark fiction. It is fine to want to read it, write it, praise it, be enthusiastic about it, talk about it, etc. Your feelings, desires, fantasies, are VALID.

I absolutely DO believe fiction is a safe space (perhaps the ONE safe space) where more 'taboo' subjects can be safely explored. Please don't ever let anyone discourage you from writing the story you feel needs to be told. Don't let anyone discourage you from holding back. Take comfort in the beautiful, kind person that I am sure that you are.

The people I have found within the 'darkfic' community have been some of the loveliest and kindest people I have ever met. I think there's a reason such sweet and oftentimes very soft individuals gravitate towards this kind of fiction, and I have seen my theory proven time and time again by the sheer volume of readers who have come to me with personal anecdotes about their own life experiences and why dark fiction is often so very therapeutic for them.

I would also like to stress that there is NEVER any justification necessary for why you like the things you do. You owe no one an explanation. Sometimes, I think, even as the reader, you don't know WHY you like the things you do, and that's perfectly okay! It doesn't make you a bad person. I believe I can speak for the vast majority of my readers when I say none of us would ever want to see the things that play out in dark fiction to actually happen in real life. Wanting to see something in fiction is not the same thing as advocating for it or wishing for it in real life.

I could honestly talk about this topic for hours. I genuinely feel so passionate about it, and it makes me deeply upset to know that so many readers/writers have been discouraged from engaging in fiction they should have the freedom to enjoy, simply because they have been shamed for partaking in it.

Please check out my purity culture tag, which sums up a lot of my thoughts in a manner much more concise than what I have written here.

Final thoughts: I just wanted to say thank you to anyone and everyone who has ever supported me/my writings, especially if you were present while I was bullied and plagiarized. Your support means the absolute world to me, especially when feelings of doubt creep in (because they still do) and the small part of me that wants to succumb to the hateful comments. Your kind words and your encouragement is truly the buoy that keeps me afloat.

To the anon who wrote this, I love you so much and please know you've got a huge community of people who will support you/your writings should you ever decide to publish them. All my love.

[circular-jerkular]

I think for my first (actual) post on this blog, I really want to discuss just the concept of how my trauma impacts how I view sex. Most of this is going to go under a cut, just in case folks aren’t in a place right now to scroll through a huge long thing. I will put a TL;DR here though:

Basically, sexual trauma isn’t the only type of trauma that affects sexual relationships. All trauma can — and that’s not a bad thing. It’s just something you need to work through.

(Also if anyone has any notes what to tag this as, feel free to suggest)

The thing is, I’m a system with CSA trauma and COCSA. I have a difficult relationship with sex things because of that — but genuinely… I think there’s this idea that in order to have issues regarding sex as a traumatized person, that trauma has to come from sexual abuse.

This is absolutely not the case. The majority of my issues with sex aren’t relevant to my CSA experiences.

My trauma was caused very much by an environment where I felt I couldn’t speak up. I couldn’t voice my own feelings or desires; I had to solely focus on the feelings of those around me, and regulate them. I had to make certain that every single action of mine was to either appease others, or lessen the blow of something I couldn’t change. Every single moment of my life was dedicated to other people’s happiness.

So, when it came to my sex life, once I finally dived in, I had no idea how to consent. I had no idea how to voice my desires or wants. I had no idea how to set boundaries or say no.

Oh, I certainly knew the CONCEPT — I’d been reading BDSM fics since I was 14, and I had researched consent extensively. I knew that consent is something that comes and goes and can be retracted at any time, and that setting boundaries is part of a healthy relationship. The issue was… I couldn’t seem to bring myself to do it. When my partner asked me if something was okay, my default answer was “I don’t care, just fuck me” — because why would it matter if it was okay? I’m with them, and if they’re asking, it would make them happy, which would make me happy. Right? That’s how it’s supposed to work!

It took a very, very, VERY long time to get to where I am now. I still struggle some with consent, but we’ve worked out our own methods of communication before, during, and after that help work for us, and extensive conversations about trauma and consent. Obviously, my CSA/COCSA impact things (how could they not?) but I feel like everything else impacts it too.

The biggest thing to remember is… that’s okay? That’s absolutely okay. It makes things harder sometimes, sure, but everything about this disorder does. There’s no shame in needing to work through boundaries and consent, though. There’s no shame in having to learn. There’s no shame in being traumatized. You’ll find some, I’m sure, but… it’s a neutral thing. Not a bad thing.

And, if you find the right partner? It’ll actually be hotter that way, cause fun fact, safe consensual sex is a lot hotter than unsafe unconsensual sex. Just saying!

[wheredidthepeepeego-mp3]

Other anon is valid but What The Fuck why do you care about fictional people kissing??? Even if a fictional ship would be harmful in real life, it’s fine because THEY’RE NOT REAL smh 🤦 I get it if incest ships make you feel YUCKYYY but as long as no one’s shipping real people it doesn’t hurt anyone!!!

Okay, at first I felt like being patronizing back but then I realized i should be the better person and explain to you bc being like "lmao get off my blog pro" doesn't add anything helpful to the shipping dialogue.

I do not identify as pro or anti, for the record. I think it's inherently wrong to promote incest, pedophilia, abuse, etc. because it glorifies these things that should stay tf out of our society. Even if these ships are not hurting YOU specifically, glorifying (glorifying, not depicting) inappropriate relationships takes away some of the stigma around them and that's a problem.

The reason I personally dislike zadr is because of the way Zim treats Dib in the show. First of all, I think it's straight up wrong to make nsfw of minors that's just disgusting but that's besides the point. Invader zim is ultimately a comedy marketed to children so from the "comedic duo" standpoint, they're on equal footing, but from a relationship standpoint, they aren't. (Don't get mad at me for taking a cartoon too seriously bc the majority of zadrs do that too.) Zim is on a military conquest (put in place jokingly or not, it doesnt matter) trying to colonize earth and dib is an emotionally neglected CHILD desperately trying to defend himself from said colonizer. It doesn't matter if Zim is a child or not (its unclear), and frankly "Zim appears to act like a child so therefore is a child no matter his age" is not an excuse bc it makes no sense and also there's a nugget of ableist rhetoric in that argument. While I think Zim and dib could be friends if Zim redeemed himself I don't see a romantic relationship between the two of them being appropriate or healthy. And also the "they need each other thing" isn't an excuse. Dib relying on having a harmful relationship with a (probably) ass adult who degrades him and physically harms him is not healthy or cute or sweet, and tbh I'm kind of shipping dib and therapy in that regard lmao. I don't think it's right to promote any of this tbh. But I mean if you ship zadr idc if you interact bc I'm desperate for invader zim content since it's a special interest for me rn.

Don't come at me with the "some people are abused and using it as a coping mechanism" bc I am also a CSA victim. peoples nastyass coping mechanisms should stay in their own personal homework folders. :/

Either way be grateful i wrote you this goddamn essay instead of just insulting you bc that's what I would initially do and tbh i kind of regret wasting my time writing this when you won't change ur mind so yeah have fun tonight thinking about how you shamed a random teenaged rape victim that's a complete internet stranger for disliking child abuse :/ lmao

[freedom-of-fanfic]

how anti-shipping fosters, encourages, perpetuates, and glorifies abuse in fandom (masterpost)

these subjects come up again and again, so I wanted a masterpost of links to what I’ve written about how fandom anti-shipper culture is tightly related to abuse in fandom.

note: predators, abusers, and bullies are present everywhere in fandom, not just in anti-shipping or pro-shipping (or neutral) circles. this is because abusers will use whatever they have available to them as a tool for abuse. learn warning signs of abusive and/or controlling behavior; these will be far more reliable red flags than what a person ships in fandom.

my objections to anti-shipping (in brief) & an alternative solution to predators in fandom.

I believe that many antis are coming from a genuine place. I just strongly disagree with where your focus lies and your chosen methods of dissemination. In fact, I feel that anti-shipping actively aids predators, for reasons which I’ll try to summarize in brief here.

Anti Shipping is Abusive, The Post

the anti-shipping community is a great place for abusers because it encourages people to develop unquestioning loyalty to and trust of internal authorities, become deeply vulnerable to shame cycles, isolate themselves from outsiders, and avoid critical thought or skepticism of rhetoric.

The icing on the cake is that the things that antis say are ‘bad bad bad’ - incest, ‘pedophilia’ (they mean csa), and abuse - barely even resemble actual incest, csa, and abuse. As a result, when confronted with the real thing I suspect most anti-shippers are completely defenseless.

no matter how hard some anti-shippers try to deny it, they cannot both stop shipping/prevent the creation of potentially harmful content and also condemn harassment and threats.

By demanding/requiring that others change their behavior on sites where antis have no moderating authority, they create loopholes for and/or implicitly approve of action taken to force people to comply with anti-shipper demands. this silent approval gives antis unspoken permission to exaggerate, lie, and create scaremonger material about anything or anyone they disapprove of or want to silence. It also gives abusers in the anti ranks an overlooked ‘blind spot’ from which they are allowed to harass, defame, dogpile, threaten, blackmail, doxx, suicide bait, and assault people who don’t change in response to anti demands.

an unfunny joke about antis

the funny thing about bullies - especially self-righteous bullies that travel in packs, such as antis - is that 99.8% of the time they come out on top of any conflict they get into. this is because as long as a bully’s opponent gives even the slightest fuck about playing fair, being kind, and giving the benefit of the doubt, they will never out-bully a bully.

Miscellaneous:

anti-shippers help abusers hide in a sea of false flags.

anti-shippers perpetuate the false belief that it’s easy to spot an abuser by what they ship, or their age, or some other obvious, easy to see flag.

it’s usually anti-shippers that are deliberately pushing adult content on kids - ostensibly to ridicule it, but still inappropriate

anti-shippers gaslight fandom

Cultlike & authoritarian aspects of anti-shipping (how it traps people in anti-shipping friendsgroups & makes it difficult to leave):

harassment and abuse of others as a form of signaling loyalty to the anti-shipping cause

regarding cults and cultlike communities (and how easy it is to get sucked in)

anti-shippers benefit from an impossible task because the goal is feeling good about themselves by putting other down

antis endanger themselves by learning information that contradicts their worldview, which perpetuates anti-intellectualism.

‘ i didn’t read this but it’s awful’ - loyalty signalling, anti-intellectualism, and a form of harassment rolled together

and finally a few links to my favorite external resource that very beautifully describes why anti-shipping works the way it does:

How Good People and Well-intentioned Groups Go Bad

How it Feels to Be a Bigot

Things About Brainwashing [Everybody] Needs to Know

How to Recognize Gaslighting

How to Recognize a Moral Abuser