#reblogging myself bc i added a lot of information

[ghosthalfa]

「 GET TO KNOW YOUR RP PARTNER! 」

( repost, please don’t reblog )

「BASICS」

▐ NAME: perseus (percy) ▐ PRONOUNS: any ▐ SEXUALITY: girls! ▐ TAKEN OR SINGLE: single ▐ FIVE FACTS:

i really love animals! in my life i've owned cats, dogs, turtles, lizards (bearded dragons and skinks), snakes, hedgehogs, hamsters, gerbils, guinea pigs, fish, frogs, snails, tarantulas, ducks, chickens, lovebirds, and parakeets. currently i own several dogs, two cats, a turtle, three ball pythons, a boa constrictor, and a brazilian rainbow boa. ask me about them if you want to see 8 billion pictures.

throughout my childhood and adult life i've lived in five different states, all up and down the east coast! despite this though i have never visited a state outside of the east united states.

archery is a big hobby of mine, even if i don't have nearly as much time to do it right now. i started out using a child's fiberglass compound when i was a kid, but grew out of it within a couple years and now use a wooden recurve bow. it's for this reason that actors holding bows incorrectly in movies makes me go on unhinged rants, sorry anyone who's friends with me.

i'm a big dnd player! i started out playing with friends i met in the rp scene (shoutout to mod mimosa you a real one) and now have a dedicated in-person group with my friends who play weekly or bi-weekly. and despite always saying dnd we actually play mostly pathfinder, mostly 1st edition but we've been dipping our toes into 2e recently. pls ask me about my characters i would die for them.

i'm like. a huge nerd, traditionally speaking. i am a fountain of useful or useless information about comic books and stars wars. i've been following both marvel and dc comics since i was in middle school, and in high school i added star wars to my list of nerd obsessions. the batfam and young avengers are beloved to me, and my favorite star wars characters are ezra bridger, ahsoka tano, and cal kestis!

「EXPERIENCE」

▐ HOW LONG (YEARS/MONTHS): 13-ish years? give or take? maybe a little longer even, i'm not 100% sure ▐ PLATFORMS USED: mostly tumblr, but i started out forum rp'ing on a super old website. i've dabbled a little in discord rp'ing but it didn't really stick ▐ BEST EXPERIENCE: oh geeze uhhh. it's really hard to pick when you've been at it so long. tbh tho if anyone was in aod at the time and remembers, the gnome wars really stuck in my head. i don't think i'd ever had so much fun roleplaying before, it gave me such great and super fond memories

「MUSE PREFERENCES」

▐ MALE/FEMALE/OTHER: i tend to have mostly male muses, but when i do muse a female character i cherish her a lot ▐ FAVORITE FACECLAIM: i've never really needed one before. if i'm doing a mun post i just kind of scroll through my icons and pick a sacrifice ▐ FLUFF, ANGST, OR SMUT: i'm not one for smut at all, but i do very much enjoy angst. fluff is also good but i'm a sucker for angst in general

▐ PLOTS OR MEMES: plots! memes are nice but they can burn me out if i do too many of them. that's why i tend to only participate in meme day once every couple of weeks or so ▐ LONG OR SHORT REPLIES: long replies bc i'm apparently not capable of controlling myself or my writing. i like short replies too but it seems no matter what i do they turn into long replies eventually ▐ BEST TIME TO WRITE: at night in my room, with a show (a lot of times from the muse i'm writing for) playing in the bg for white noise ▐ ARE YOU LIKE YOUR MUSES: sometimes yes sometimes no. i definitely feel like i have a type, but also a lot of times i wildly veer off from it so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it really depends

[onlylaboum]

To be honest, I usually don't reblog your posts BECAUSE of the passive-aggressive tone you often use. It's just kpop. I like Laboum but it won't end my life if they're not world famous. I just want to enjoy music and stages and all their content happily, not create a second job for myself as their unseen manager. It's okay if that's how you stan and have fun but it's not for me.

I'm worried you'll answer this really angrily but I saw your recent post and wanted to let you know how some people might be feeling. I'll still be following for updates and gifsets and stuff! 💜

people were (also barely) liking instead of sharing my posts also before i expressed my frustration w this stuff so idt that's the issue.

on twitter i'm much more active nowadays bc at least there there's a few more active latte, but still very few compared to even other nugu groups that have similar numbers in streams.

i never said i liked spending so much time on LABOUM. i am aware i have an internet addiction and have been hyperfixating on the group to avoid stressing out about worse things in my daily life.

not just me but also other latte i talk to on twitter and tiktok are really fucking burned out from how much we try to do. i don't think being a stan should be a day job. i sure would love if people shared shit we post though instead of keep scrolling or give a like once a month, which does virtually nothing. we wouldn't have to stress out so much if people actually engaged with things we did. we try to encourage ppl to use apps to win youtube ads for Laboum (which worked but slowly, it's how we made Kiss Kiss finally reach 1 million views), we ask people to give feedback, to maybe watch a video or play a streaming playlist, or partake in a game, or to buy an album or share an MV with friends.

the way that a lot of people don't do that sht, the way that in MONTHS no new people have followed their twitter or youtube, the way that barely anyone talks about them online, does in fact signify that people don't care about Laboum. not everyone needs to be an active social media user or anything ofc, but this degree of lack of attention? unless when it's about a disbandment prediction, joking about the girls' horrible experiences at their expense, or fake interest in the group only on certain conditions, shit doesn't get attention.

the girls had viral tiktok videos a bunch of times, but the majority of the people watching have no fucking clue who they are or that they aren't just actors, and it's just me and 1 other Latte trying to respond to tired comments calling the members by names of characters they played, or "ZN" which is Jinyea's old stage name. if ONLY there were a few more Latte who would leave a comment or two for once as well, the few of us wouldn't have to deal with trying to inform the general public abt Laboum.

people not sharing shit abt LABOUM is one of the main reasons why so may ppl now think they disbanded, and why you see a bunch of kpop fans who claim they're a fan of LABOUM but have been out of the loop w them for 3-6 years. it doesn't help that their domestic fanbase consists of mainly loser incels who don't dare to fucking talk about the group unless when being petty about Yulhee or creepy about their bodies.

and i know tumblr kpop fans LOVE only looking at stupid fucking gifs and not clicking on the videos they're from, acting as if streaming is a fucking punishment from hell instead of just playing a fucking song or playlist you like in the background, and acting as if it's a shocker when groups aren't doing well when so fucking few people who pretend to be a fan actually listen to music or read or watch anything new or buy music. considering your purple heart use, you should KNOW how supporting musicians works. as much as i hate the competitiveness and commodity in the music industry, likes alone never helped artists.

so yeah i'm passive-aggressive bc im trying to fucking encourage people to do something more than say they like Laboum but never dare to mention their name nor recommend a song nor share anything about them. i wouldnt be so fucking frustrated if i saw some more hype aside from from clickbait content and gg stans who just namedrop them for edgy crappy jokes.

Laboum don't need to be world famous and i don't think they will be per se, but they are really unknown. unless people do something more than just quietly listen to them once every blue moon and don't engage in anything Latte are asking or encouraging people to do, they will remain as extremely unknown as right now and disband when their contracts end in summer 2023.

other Latte are feeling the same frustrations as i do and feel exhausted. anyone who knows Laboum's story and the international, knows how small it is and how frustrated we are. this shouldn't be a surprise if you've talked to any Latte. i am familiar with how reserved fans are in this fandom. when trying to set up projects before for their anniversaries, it ended with me and only 1 other Latte in a skype call, no communication from the rest, and them not daring to partake any projects or plans anymore. that felt really disappointing.

so no, i don't find fun in being so stressed and active in trying to promote LABOUM to such an extent bc me and a few others are trying to do work for multiple ppl and for free at that. but all we ask is basic stuff like 'please also share posts' or 'hey check out and share this new song cover'. it's already ridicilous i have to ask ppl to share posts bc they refuse to, whether i ask or not.

if that's too much work, are people really interested in the group???? the thing is also that if other people, at least a few more, do a little more than nothing, it would actually make more people discover the group on their own socials, become fans, and partake in fandom. we wouldn't be so burned out if there were more than like 5-20 accounts trying to do so much bc no one else will. e.g. we emailed the company to demand translators and it hired one, but then barely anyone watched LABOUM's newer youtube videos and so that was kind of abandoned too. no views or attention = a sign that people aren't interested = no new content. that's how it works.

[thevoidcannotbefilled]

Its been a while and I dont remember it well, what happened with the w359 finale?

Ooof okay. To you and the other anon here’s my answer. I’m not blind myself, so if I say something out of line, please tell me and I’ll make correction. But here we go: 

Dr. Miranda Pryce was introduced in the final season as one of the main big bad villains of the show. She’s an AI specialized who created Hera, who we already know put the thought of “You’re Not Good Enough” in her head in order to control her. As we hear more of her, we learn that 1) she has a habit of punishing/abusing AIs in order to control them, even revels in it, and 2) she is willing and for the fun of it, used her technological abilities in order to essentially turn the crew on her ship into brain-dead soldiers, not quite dead but only living bc of her machines like human puppets. She also uses said technology to 1) torture information out of Eiffel’s brain and 2) turn everyone else into puppets. 

Overall the impression we get of her: She is a scientist who uses technology in order to control people in whatever means necessary because she finds the ability to control and change people both satisfying and amusing. 

Now, I set this background up to 1) remembering what happened in W359 and 2) the impression we get of this character. She is not sympathetic nor is she trying to be. And that’s fine! You don’t need those type of characters all the time, especially since W359 is FULL of characters that join our side after realizing they’re being used or help the team in one way or another because of sympathy. 

But then, we’re also told that she has cybernetic eyes. And at one point, she losing full sight in them after they were destroyed in an explosion that Eiffel caused. I won’t analyze up to this point how Pryce’s blindness was treated in universe. Again, I’m not an expert and there would be a lot of more subtle nuances I would be missing if I tried to analyze the writing. The only questionable part is having a blind villain when no other character other than arguably Hera are disabled. But also, again, I’m won’t make a fuss for the writing up to that point. 

HOWEVER WE GET TO THE FINALE AND OH BOY. 

The finale starts with a speech from Pryce. Summed up? Pryce was a blind orphan girl who was treated badly because she was blind and was creepy for making “dolls”. She then was recruited by Cutler in order to make AIs and eventually, get the technology to copy people and to change humanity in a way that in their eyes is “better”. IE: turning people into perfect puppets for them to control. 

Okay, lot to unpack there: 

1) In the speech Pryce repeatedly calls herself broken. In fact, describing herself as a “broken girl” when she was picked up by Cutler. Yes, the speech wasn’t literal and was meant to be like she was telling a story, but that doesn’t mean that it makes it any less ableist. No, it does not matter if the blind character is the only who is calling herself broken, 1) there are no other blind characters to counter that, 2) none of our heroes countered her, and 3) may I remind you she is 100% a villain. This means “I was blind and treated awfully for it. I wanted to change the world bc I was mad about I was treated and then went full dictator on things with less power than me” is one of our VILLAIN’S backstory. Idk if they were trying to have some humanity in her or what, but it does not work. This character is too far gone to make sympathetic especially in your finale episode. And if they weren’t trying to make her sympathetic, they were straight up saying, “This character felt so broken by how she was treated and her blindness that she used her skills in order to manipulate and hurt others for my own gain”. That just straight up demonizes blind people. It’s bad writing at best and straight up ableist at worst. 

2) This one is more subtle, but the general idea of technology being used to make people’s lives better, especially enhancements to the body being framed in a negative light has ableist elements in it. Because you know, technology isn’t the issue, it’s what people use technology for that’s the issue. For example, there’s a scene where Pryce is working on her eyes while someone else is in the room. The other person found the idea of talking to her while she didn’t have both eyes in unsettling. Ergo, the message is “cybernetic eyes are creepy”. In reality, technology that can be used to replace body parts, especially tricky things like eyes is so good!!! It shouldn’t be required to have, of course, (Some blind folks don’t mind being blind and people should always have control in regards to what happens to their body if it only affects their body!!!) but having the choice to repair your vision if you’d like is AMAZING. But the show sort of frames any sort of technology as invasive and inhumane. Another example, only the main villains have body modifications. Cutler made enhancements to his body to make it faster and stronger (which makes sense in character), but also with it, the implication that having body modifications makes him less humane. 

There’s a running theme in the show that humanity is a choice, a messy choice with messy lives, but one you make. With that, while the villains are human, they lose their humanity by not caring about others. Which good!!! Excellent theming!!! But, in Wolf 359, the villains also make body modifications to themselves, and only the villains. This builds on the long and tired trope of things like canes, braces, artificial limbs, and other similar things are a sign of villainy or inhumanity, as if adding these elements to yourself modifies your humanity. Which, just isn’t the case. This is especially strange in this series because we have an AI main character who struggles with being treated as human because she’s an AI, but definitely sees herself  and wants others to treat her as a person.

This is especially disappointing because the villains’ plan is to reshape people and make them “better”. Cutler’s plan is to turn humanity into mindless puppets for them to control. It’s a natural conclusion from “being utterly disposable when necessary” to “you’re being kept around because you’re useful” to “you’re useful, but we don’t care about your humanity, so we’re taking away all your humanity to control you”. You didn’t need the other stuff with the blindness and the implication that body enhancements at all to make this point. 

So, I won’t go on for longer, but TLDR: Wolf359′s finale has a blind character not only call herself broken but also has her be one of the main villains. A villain who doesn’t care for other’s boundaries and repeatedly uses her technological skills to modify others without permission. There are also undertones within the series that physical modification in general is creepy and invasive without nuance.  This could have easily been avoided within the narrative because most of this was added either within the final season or within the finale itself. That’s why parts of the final season and especially the finale are ableist. 

(If I’m overstepping, please tell me, and I’ll reblog additions/edit the post as necessary. This is meant to be an explanation because I got a few anons about it). 

[mayabruhbruh]

Stranger Things 4 Analysis and Theory

I don’t know if anyone else has done posts on this stuff yet (it’s really likely, but i’d not want to take the credit if i’m not the only one who’s thought of this)

I know @kaypeace21 has made tons of posts on the s4 movies from Video Store Friday, and many others have theories and analyses, but back in July I took it upon myself to research more into the very last few scenes of s3. Specifically the three months later time stamp, where Steve and Robin are in search for a new job.

My main focus was the four movies that they mentioned for Keith at the counter. “Animal House”, “The Hidden Fortress”, “Children Of Paradise”, and “The Apartment”.

(reminder that if you read this, it could be spoilers for the final cut of the actual show if i end up being correct about some of this, so read at your own risk)

My first theory, which I’ve already discussed in a separate reblog, is about The Hellfire Club. But i’ll say it here too.

Basically,

(sorry for the sucky quality)

Animal House is about two awkward freshmen going into college and joining a fraternity of rejects. It matches Mike, Dustin and the Hellfire Club perfectly! Personally, my lowkey theory is that they’re going to have to go though an entirety of initiation activities (possibly drugs too, if what we’ve heard is correct) and Lucas and Max will be in their own storylines up until the supernatural threat brings them back together again. This could be wayy off, but still its my idea.

As for Max and Lucas...

I’m not sure about the entirety of the plot of this movie, but the last line sounds a lot like something that would happen between Lumax. Lucas is a basketball jock now, I think that’s crystal clear now seeing from the Pep Rally poster, and how he’s always been the one in the group to be able to mask his nerdy side. For Dustin and Mike, I know it’s much harder for them. Anyways, Max, I’m pretty positive by now, is going to be extremely distant and defensive from everyone just like she was in the beginning of s2, since she just had a big change happening in her life. It’s the same now, except with the grief and loss of Billy. My guess, from the hints of this movie and other stuff, is that Lucas is going to come face to face with his reputation as a popular kid, and his love for Max. Like the summary says, he must decide between the advancement of his career or the girl that he loves. Real hard hitting stuff.

Onto the next one. MIKE WHEELER. (or will byers)

I watched an analysis video on this movie, because I haven’t seen it yet, but again the very last line is what I’d like to focus on.

My. Jaw. Dropped.

I’ve read many analyses of Mike Wheeler being gay (courtesy of @kaypeace21 @hawkinsschoolcounselor and MANY others), but I dunno, I was always just so skeptical no matter how much it made sense. But when I saw this WHAT THE HELL?!?’);/&? It’s stupid of me to not have believed it sooner, but I hope this is the movie that foreshadows Mike’s storyline this season. I’m assuming Mike will have to “prove his expertise in battle”, or perhaps prove he can go through with all of the initiation shit for The Hellfire Club, while hiding his growing revelation that he might be gay/bisexual.

BUT a possibly more likely scenario would be that this movie connects with Will Byers’ storyline this season instead. Perhaps the hardships of a new school and a new town has Will shaken up, and he also has his sexuality awakening that he has to hide from new people. I say that it’s more likely for him, because Will has always been more heavily queer-coded (not exactly heavier, but just extremely much more apparent and obvious opposed to Mikes queercoded subtext that we really had to dig for).

I also didn’t mention this in my reblog from earlier, but I want to address my opinions on the apparent cheerleader that meets Mike and befriends one another. One of my friends on twitter said Chrissy (her name, or so we think lmao) might be a key component to Mike being able to discover and come to terms with his sexuality. But then again, a different friend of mine thinks that the amount of content were getting is oddly suspicious, and that the Duffers are feeding us all the wrong information to lead us to all the wrong conclusions. But, at this point, why not both. At the moment, everyone thinks that Chrissy is Mikes new love interest, but what if she really isn���t, and they’re pulling a Robin on us (i call it a robin because it was technically straight-baiting in s3 LMFAO). I’m not saying that she might be a lesbian (although 👀 it says on her character info that she’s 18 (robins got some game to work with now ahaha)) but it could be a straight-bait up until she helps Mike realize his sexuality (i would have said realizes his love for Will😍😍 but recently ive been trying not to input byler into everything i fucking say, so theres how that’s going). Anyways. Last movie!

Now, I’m currently not super concrete on this one to be completely honest. I have a few in mind...

Okay, so don’t attack me, but this could possibly be a mileven storyline. It sort of fits. They have an undeniable connection, but “their fortunes shift considerably and they’re pushed apart” aka the misfortune of the mindflayer and hawkins not being safe for them leads them to moving away and literally being pushed apart. I don’t know about the pursuing other relationships, but we still have no idea what’s going on with El Hopper tbh, i havent a single clue what’s going to be happening with her storyline atm. But either way, that could be it.

ORRRR the MUCH more likely scenario, Jancy :)

Bloggers on here have already predicted that they wouldn’t be endgame, and I was only slightly skeptical because although their relationship was built on shared trauma, a very unstable foundation to have for a ship tbh, i still hung onto the fact that they cared for eachother a lot :,( But the entirety of their season 3 bickering and this summary kind of sealed the deal.

Just like Mike and El, Nancy and Jonathan have been pushed apart aswell. It was already seen in season three that they’d be better of leading separate lives, aka Jonathan was doing fine at the internship, whereas Nancy could have been somewhere better for herself. I doubt they broke up at the end of season 3, but there’s bound to be new relationships for them seperately. It sucks bc I love Jancy, but s3 showed how badly they snap at one another when there isn’t a life threatening event at hand. Jopper on the other hand, I thought their bickering was adorable, but i’m getting off track, sorry lmfaoo.

Once again, I probably am not the first to talk about these, but jsyk if you steal this from me specifically i will track you down and end you. I’ve been speculating about these things since April and July, which is pretty weak tbh, but that was when i had nothing better to do LMFAO. i hope i got at least something right, but i haven’t seen many of the video store friday’s movies, which sucks bc those could really help. But whatever.

(i wrote this really late at night, and it’s poorly edited bc my eyesight sucks lmfao, but i hope you get what i mean)

And that’s it! I hope you like it, or had some sort of impact from it idk, just sharing my thoughts tbh. Anygays, if you have any questions/added ideas/thoughts of any kind, my inbox is always here, you can private message me, and comment if you want!! i love y’all sm lmfao, so excited for the upcoming content were about to get soon, byee!

[slapshot-to-the-heart]

Death by a Thousand Cuts - j. debrusk

Trying to venture into some new territory, let me know what you think! Title’s from the Taylor Swift song. 4.8k of post-breakup Jake DeBrusk angst, as always, I love hearing feedback! I read all the tags, so feel free to reblog, pop into my inbox, anything!

Wine pairing from someone with zero authority on the subject: a full-bodied Syrah - smooth, fruity, the kind of wine I’d want to drink if I was sad. 

My heart, my hips, my body, my love/Trying to find a part of me you didn’t touch

Shadi threw back another shot, wincing as the vodka burned down her throat. Clara rubbed her back sympathetically. “Better?” She shrugged. Alcohol was great for forgetting things, but there were some wounds too fresh and too deep for even a Sazerac to cure. And her wounds were named Jake DeBrusk.

Jake had been her everything, still was her everything, and the idea that she was somehow now in charge of forgetting everything they had shared was more than she could bear. Breakups weren’t something Shadi took lightly, and especially when she had spent the past year falling more in love with him with each breath she took. Forgetting more than a year’s worth of early-morning conversations in his bed, Jake’s hand gently brushing back her hair before kissing her temple and going out to the kitchen to start the coffee pot. Shadi couldn’t start her day without coffee. A year’s worth of games, up in the box with the other WAGs and down in the tunnel, their lips crashing together in the euphoria of a post-win high. A year’s worth of vacations, to Edmonton to visit his family and Dallas to see hers, laying on the white sand beaches of Tahiti in the summer. A year’s worth of falling asleep to him tracing lines between the freckles on her bare back in the glow of the post-sex fog. It wasn’t like she was going to forget any of it anytime soon. And if Shadi was being honest with herself, it wasn’t like she wanted to. 

---

Shadi met Jake just after moving into her new apartment with Clara, her best friend from BC, when they decided to celebrate their newfound jobs and independence with a bar crawl. As luck would have it, they never actually made it past the first one. Clara had just finished up her first week as a tenth grade English teacher, and Shadi had the weekend to relax before her marketing analytics post started on Monday. 

She wasn't going out to meet someone, not really, but if there was someone attractive enough and charming enough she wasn’t absolutely opposed to spending the night in a bed that wasn’t her own. Shadi sat at the bar, responding to a few texts and sipping her drink as she waited for Clara to return from the bathroom. She wasn’t paying enough attention to her surroundings to notice someone sidle up next to her, getting a little too close for comfort. “Hey,” he said loudly, startling her. Shadi looked up — way up, he was at least six or seven inches taller than her 5’5 — to the stranger’s face, flashing a tight smile. She didn’t know any women who particularly liked to be accosted in the middle of a drink. 

“Hey,” she said. 

He inched closer. “I’m Darren, nice to meet you.”

As much as she’d really just like to be able to tell the guy to fuck all the way off, Shadi hated that it was a far better decision for her safety and security to just try and tacitly go along with it. Let him down easy. 

“Shadi,” she responded. 

He whistled, and she internally cringed, trying as subtly as she could to look towards the bathrooms and trying to spot Clara. More than once, they had pretended to be a couple at bars to get each other out of situations exactly like this one. “Shadi,” he said, testing out the name. “What is that? Arabic? Indian?”

Now she visibly cringed, raising her eyebrows. Great, he’s racist as well as a creep. “Neither. I’m Persian.” 

“Cool, super cool,” he said, nodding. “So, Shadi, what brings you here?”

“Starting a new job next week,” she said, looking back down at her phone, trying to give him just enough information to keep him from being pissed at her. 

Darren finished his drink. “That’s cool, yeah. Good for you. I work in finance. High-level account managing and stuff. It’s a lot of responsibility, but I like the challenge.” Great, add finance bro to the list of reasons why I’ll never go home with this guy, Shadi thought. 

“Nice,” Shadi said, looking away and taking a sip of her drink and trying her damndest to make it clear she wasn’t interested. 

Darren moved even closer, his hand now resting on her waist as Shadi leaned as far away from him as she could while still staying on her seat, looking frantically around for Clara, or anyone, to bail her out. “You come here with anyone?”

“Uh, yeah,” Shadi said nervously, eyes still sweeping the room. “My boyfriend should be around here somewhere.” Darren didn’t need to know she didn’t have a boyfriend, and as much as she hated that men like him were more likely to leave her alone if they thought she was spoken for than if she told him herself she wasn’t interested, it was the best thing she could do in the moment. 

Darren took a cursory glance around the room. “I don’t see anyone coming,” he noted. “You sure about that, Shadi?

“Yes,” she squeaked, as his hand tightened around her waist and she froze like a deer in headlights, too stiff to flag down the bartender.

“It’s polite to look at people when they’re talking to you, or did they not teach that where you’re from?” 

Shaking, she turned back to look at him. “I’m from Texas,” she spat. 

“I think we could really have some fun together, if you’d just stop being so uptight we could really—” Darren didn’t get the chance to finish his sentence, his arm being forcefully removed from her waist. She swung around, meeting the eyes of her unknown savior, who was too busy glaring at the man across from her to even meet her eyes. 

“Seems like you’re having a hard time taking no for an answer,” he said. 

Darren looked up, rubbing his wrist from where it had been in a vice grip only moments before. “You the boyfriend?”

The other man didn’t even flinch. “Yeah, I’m the boyfriend. Even if I wasn’t, she clearly doesn’t want anything to do with you, but she’s just too polite to tell you to fuck off. Luckily,” he smirked. “I’m not.”

Darren rolled his eyes, grabbing his half-empty glass and inching away from the bar. “Whatever. Wouldn’t have been worth it anyways.” 

Shadi collapsed into her hands as soon as he was out of earshot, breathing shakily. The stranger reached out tentatively, rubbing her shoulder to comfort her. “You okay?”

She leaned back, taking another drink and nodding. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll be okay, it’s not like it’s the first time this has happened. He just really didn’t want to leave me alone and I couldn’t find my friend and he didn’t seem to be getting the message that I wasn’t interested.” 

He grimaced. “On behalf of my entire gender, I apologize for all the shitty men you have ever had to encounter.”

“Thank you,” she said, laughing slightly and setting her glass back down on the bar. “And thanks for stepping in, you really didn’t have to.”

He shook his head. “I just did what any decent guy would do. I’ve got a sister, girls deserve to feel safe in bars.”

“Regardless,” she added, “I appreciated it. And just so you know,” she said, pausing, “you don’t have to worry about an actual boyfriend coming around. I’ve just found it’s the easiest way for guys to leave me alone.” Shadi surprised herself; she wasn’t normally this bold. 

He dipped his head. “Good to know. Probably should properly introduce myself, then. Jake DeBrusk,” he said, sticking his hand out. 

“Shadi Azizi.” She shook it, smirking slightly as she took a sip of her drink. “I know.” 

He smiled bashfully, scratching his head. “Hockey fan?” 

She nodded. “I’ll go to Bruins games when I can make it, but I’m from Dallas, so…” she shrugged. 

“You’ve already sold your soul to the Stars,” Jake finished. 

Shadi laughed. “Yep. You can take the girl out of Texas, but you can’t take the Texas out of the girl.”

Jake eyed her glass, seeing that she was nearly finished. “Can I get you another?” Shadi nodded after a moment. “Sure.” He caught the bartender’s eye. “What are you drinking?” “Whiskey on the rocks.” Jake leaned back on his stool, clutching his hands over his chest. “A woman after my own heart.”

---

Three months later, it was November, and Shadi was in Jake’s kitchen, doling out Chinese takeout onto two plates. “Beer?” she asked over the counter, to where Jake was flopped on the couch, flipping through channels in hopes of finding something mildly interesting to watch.

“Yes please,” he shot back. He had just gotten back from a road trip that afternoon, eleven days in the Midwest, and there were few things he wanted more than to be back in Shadi’s arms. They had started a sort of unspoken tradition; Shadi had taken to spending the night whenever Jake came back from a road trip, and he wasn’t about to start complaining. He loved his job and he loved his team, but after a week or two of being around them practically 24/7, he didn’t want to waste any time getting back to her. 

Shadi padded back towards the living room, sliding a plate of lo mein and fried rice over to Jake, who leaned in and kissed her shoulder. “Thanks, babe,” he said, putting the remote down. “Parks and Rec good with you?”

She nodded, mouth full. “Doesn’t take much to convince me. I’d kill a man for Leslie Knope.”

Jake laughed. Shadi looked over at him, one eyebrow raised. “You think I’m joking?”

He held his free hand up in mock surrender, the other balancing his plate on the arm of the couch. “I should have known better. Will you ever forgive me?”

“Maybe,” Shadi said, scrunching up her nose. “I think I can find it somewhere deep in the recesses of my cold, dead heart.” 

Things between Jake and Shadi had gotten pretty serious pretty quickly, certainly more quickly than Jake was expecting. But, as he was realizing, that wasn’t exactly a bad thing. The scene was definitely more domestic than he was used to; it wasn’t unusual for him and Shadi to join some of their friends or the team for a night out at the bars or clubs, but it was just as common to have an evening in. It was nice, being together like this. Domesticity was never something that was quite his style, but as he thought, looking over at Shadi, who was entirely engrossed in Leslie’s valiant attempts to control a town hall meeting, maybe it could become his style.

You said it was a great love, one for the ages/But if the story’s over, why am I still writing pages?

It was the end of January, and Shadi was in Edmonton. Jake had told her about Boston’s bye week about two months earlier, the plan having originally been to drive up to New Hampshire for a week of camping in White Mountain. But then Jake had been selected for the All-Star Team, much to his surprise — not Shadi’s, who had been convinced he’d be picked practically since the season started —  and their schedule had been turned on its head. He had decided that it would make more sense to visit his family. Shadi didn’t complain; she had just started to get used to Boston winters, and wasn’t confident in her ability to go a week in a tent in the middle of January.

What surprised her, though, was when he invited her to come with him. She had never met his parents in person before. Over FaceTime, sure, but it wasn’t the same. Jake was initially very shy about extending the invitation, almost as if he wasn’t sure if that was something she wanted or was ready for. His concern was sweet, but Shadi was more touched that he had asked her to come in the first place, and put in her request for vacation time that night. 

The flight wasn’t much over six hours, a short layover in Montréal and one connection later and they landed in Edmonton. Shadi met up with Jake just outside of passport control, pulling her pea coat tightly around herself. “Ooh,” she said, breathing out shakily. “Bit chilly here, no?”

Jake laughed. Oh, if only she knew. “Wait till you get outside, babe. It’s January in the middle of Alberta.”

“How bad can it get?” Shadi asked naively. Pretty bad, as she found out the moment they stepped outside the terminal into the freezing air. She was suddenly very grateful her parka was in her bag, a Patagonia jacket that had been one of her first big purchases when she moved to Boston. Jake was having a very good fun time poking fun at her in the three minutes it took for his parents to pull up. 

“Aww, is my Texas girl cold? Is she having trouble dealing with real weather?”

Shadi glared at him. “Shut up.”

His parents were incredible, kind and welcoming from the moment they picked them up at the airport. They drove them back to Jake’s childhood home, where his sister greeted her with a hug. She had visited Boston a few weeks prior, her and Shadi immediately getting along thanks to their shared taste in coffee orders and music. They had swapped Spotify playlists more than one time since her visit. 

The week she spent in Edmonton was amazing. Even though she may have been a little bit apprehensive from the start, all of her worries were just distant memories by the time they had to get back on the plane. She had always been good with parents; whether it was her best friend or her boyfriend, they had always liked her. Making a good impression and being unfailingly respectful, especially to her elders, was a value that had been instilled in her from a young age. She had brought a tin of qurabiya on the plane as a gift for them, after a half-dozen Google searches to make sure she could bring them across the border and a twenty minute long phone call with her mom to make sure she was using the right type of almonds. They loved them, and seeing the tin already empty on the third day of her trip filled her heart.

“She’s really good for you, you know,” his mom said, as he was packing his suitcase for the flight back. “You’re still you, fun and spontaneous and caring. But you’re a more mature, thoughtful version of yourself. And I think that’s thanks to Shadi.”

Jake blushed, shoving his toothbrush in his toiletry bag. “She is. She’s great, Mom. We have so much fun together, and she really does bring out the best in me.” He paused for a moment. “I think I’m in love with her.”

His mom raised her eyebrows, not surprised and certainly not disappointed, but a little astonished that he had realized himself what she saw from the moment they had landed in Canada. She had just been waiting for him to admit it. “You do?” she asked, a hint of a smile on her face.

He nodded, more sure this time. “I’m in love with her, Mom.”

Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand/Paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans

“You doing okay, babe?” Clara asked gently, one hand on Shadi’s back as she nursed her third beer of the night. Shadi reached up to try and wipe away her tears. Thank God she hadn’t worn any mascara. She nodded, trying to flash her best friend a smile, but it didn’t meet her eyes. 

Shadi hadn’t ever been the kind of person to put up walls. That was Jake’s thing. But she was a great actress, and if Clara hadn’t known her as well as she did, she wouldn’t have been able to call her on it. 

“Bullshit, Shadi. You’re not fine and I know it. You know it.” God, Clara could read her like a book. It wasn’t okay, she wasn’t okay, and she sure as hell wasn’t over him. She didn’t know when she would be over him. If ever. 

They said that Rome wasn’t built in a day, but it burned in one. If Rome was a metaphor for their relationship, Shadi would say there’s never been a more accurate phrase. All it took was five minutes for Jake to break her heart, for the world they had built together to come crumbling apart around her. As much as she hated it, there was still a part of her that couldn’t help but try to look back on that night. Shadi almost called bullshit on him the moment he said he was breaking up with her, because he had never even brought it up before, and that’s not something you just drop on someone like he did, right? But she didn’t, she hadn’t gotten closure and hadn’t gotten a reason, an actual reason, and so any curly hair she saw out of the corner of her eye that night she kept hoping was Jake’s, and any cocky smile from some guy trying to buy her a drink — she’d let them, for the free alcohol, but they never got a conversation out of her — she kept wishing was his. 

---

It was September, and Shadi felt like she was walking on air. She and Jake had celebrated their one year anniversary a month ago, and things couldn’t be going better. Training camp for the new season had started, which had begun to take up more of his time than she maybe would have liked, but she was dealing with it. They both were. It was like Shadi had told him two months into their relationship, and countless times since: she knew what she was signing up for, knew that sometimes she would have to take a backseat to hockey, and she was okay with that. Having Jake some of the time was better than not having him at all. 

So when Jake had texted her that morning, asking if she was free to come over that night, she thought nothing of it. Well, scratch that, she thought a lot of it. It had been about two weeks since they had had a proper date night; while she loved him sneaking into her apartment to sleep for a few hours before he had to get up or meeting in the mornings for coffee and bagels, they were in desperate need of some alone time. Jake hadn’t exactly been distant since their anniversary, but it had definitely seemed like something was on his mind. And when she asked Clara, or her older sister Yasmin, or Hannah, her best friend in Houston, they all said the same thing. If nothing seemed like it was going wrong, but he was seeming distant, but they were still communicating, then there was really only one possibility, at least according to them. He was going to propose. 

So Shadi took a little longer in front of the mirror, put on her good jeans instead of just a pair of sweats, ran a comb through her hair. She grabbed her car keys, locking the door to her apartment and nervously pressing on the elevator button. Why was she nervous? She was in love with Jake. She saw a future with him, a future together. If tonight was going to be the start of forever, there was nothing to be afraid of. I wonder what Jake’s doing now, Shadi thought. Was he waiting for her on the couch? Trying to cook pasta, the only dinner he could reliably make without burning? Pacing back and forth in his room, turning over the ring box in his hand? The ring. What did it look like? Did he buy it new, or was it a family heirloom? Did he ask any of the guys on the team for tips, or did — Stop it, Shadi reminded herself. He doesn’t have to be proposing. We do nights in almost every week. Maybe he just wants to watch a movie. But in the back of her mind, as she pulled out of the parking garage, was the possibility that she was about to walk into one of the most important nights of her life. And it was, but not in the way she thought. Not in the way she wanted. 

Jake’s place was only ten minutes away from hers; before she even knew it, she was killing the engine and walking up the stairs to his door. She tapped her knuckles against the wood. It was barely ten seconds before Jake opened it up, smiling at her.  “Hey, thanks for coming over,” he said, leading her into the living room and pressing a kiss against her cheek, lingering a little longer than usual 

Shadi knew something was off even as they sat on the couch thirty minutes later, Star Wars playing on the screen in front of them. If she was being honest, she knew something was wrong from the moment she got there. Jake was acting stuff, not distant, but almost confused. LIke he had something on his mind that he couldn’t quite spit out. And it didn’t seem like a proposal. “Alright,” Shadi said, huffing and propping herself up on one arm to face Jake. “What’s up.”

To his credit, he didn’t mince words, didn’t play dumb. He knew better than to insult her intelligence like that, and she knew better than to believe him. “You noticed, huh?”

She rolled her eyes. “I love you for a lot of reasons, J, but you really do have a terrible poker face.”

Jake sighed, running a hand through his hair, leaving a piece hanging in front of his eye. “Alright,” he said, in that kind of I-know-what-I-need-to-say-but-I-don’t-want-to-say-it tone, the one that she wasn’t expecting. The one that never means good news. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on my life, our lives over the past thirteen months we’ve been together, and I’ve loved every minute of the time that we’ve spent together.” Okay, Shadi furrowed her brows, where’s he going with this? “I’ve also been doing a lot of thinking about my priorities in life, where they are right now and where I think they should be. And I’ve realized that,” he swallowed, “I’m at a place in my life where I need to be focusing on hockey.” Oh no. “And I don’t think I’m in a position where I can have a relationship and be as invested in my career as I need to be.” Oh God. 

Shadi sat up, stunned. “Are you...Are you breaking up with me?” 

Jake nodded his head jerkily. “And I want you to know that I don’t regret anything about our relationship. I don’t have anything bad to say about you, or the time we’ve spent together, or anything. I just don’t think I’m able to give you, or our relationship, the attention it deserves. You deserve someone who’s going to be able to dedicate a hundred percent to you, and as much as I wish I could, I don’t think I’m that person.”

“So, you’re saying I’m a distraction?” Shadi asked slowly, her eyes shiny with unshed tears. 

Jake ran a hand through his hair, tangling his fingers in his curls. “Fuck. No. That’s not it. I just don’t know if I’m in a place where I’m able to juggle two things that are so important, and that I want to dedicate this much time to.” 

She scoffed. “Are you really trying to pull the whole ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ line with me, DeBrusk?” That stung. She never called him by his last name, not even when they started dating. It was J, or babe, or even Jake if she was particularly annoyed, but never just DeBrusk. 

“Would it make you feel better if I was?” 

Shadi shook her head. “It’s worse. Don’t you know that it’s worse? Because then there’s not anything I feel like I could have done differently. Nothing I could have done to change your mind.” Her eyes drifted down to her right hand, where the gorgeous pearl ring Jake had gotten her for their anniversary just a month prior sat on her ring finger. “You said you were going to marry me one day,” Shadi said, sliding her fingertips down to the band and gently twisting it off. Her hand felt bare, even though it had only been there for a month. Jake’s breath caught in his throat. Never make a promise you can’t keep. 

Saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts

God, sometimes Shadi just felt so fucking stupid. She almost felt naive, shortsighted from not listening to her friends in Boston, or people back home who warned her about Jake.“You know his reputation. You know how hockey players are” Shadi couldn’t count the number of times people had told her that, and the number of times she hadn’t listened. “He doesn’t stick with any one girl.” “I know you like him, but he’s only going to break your heart.” But the thing was, he hadn’t. Jake had made it clear, straight from the start of their relationship, that they were exclusive, and he backed it up. She wore his jersey to games, went as his date to all the Bruins fundraisers, and took the week off to come with him when he was selected for the All-Star Game. Jake knew his reputation better than anyone, and that’s why he was so committed to making sure she knew that he wasn’t the kind of guy everyone kept trying to peg him as. And Shadi had never felt so much pride then when she was able to turn around, prove them wrong, and say: “You see? He’s never done anything to hurt me, and he’s not about to start now.” 

But she couldn’t, not anymore. She couldn’t, because they all had been right and he had broken his promises and her heart and now she was crying in a bar with her best friend on a Friday night and had no clue how to get a grip of her feelings. She pounded back another beer, barely even stopping to swallow before ordering a fourth round. Or was it a fifth? She didn’t know, and at that point, she really didn’t care. 

I get drunk, but it's not enough/’Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby

Sometime past one but before her next door neighbor’s chihuahua always started barking at two, Shadi stumbled into her apartment. She unstrapped her heels and placed them haphazardly by the door as she walked down to the bathroom, reaching around the cupboard for her toothpaste. Teeth were brushed and flossed, and she had shed nearly all of her clothes by the time she reached her bed. She grabbed the nearest sweatshirt to pull over her body as makeshift pajamas, only half paying attention. Shadi was too tired to look too closely; if she had, she would have noticed that it was a Bruins hoodie, the very first one Jake had ever given to her, a month and a half into their relationship. 

It seemed like Shadi had barely drifted off to sleep when she was woken up by the sound of frantic knocks on her door. Her first thought was something was wrong with Clara, who lived down the hall, that she wasn’t feeling well or needed to be talked out of texting her ex-girlfriend. It had happened before. But then she realized that Clara would have called first. Then her thought was a fire somewhere, but she didn’t smell smoke and her alarm hadn’t gone off. The knocking persisted. “Okay, okay, I’m coming. You’re going to wake up the whole building,” Shadi grumbled, throwing back the covers and padding out to the living room, pants be damned. 

She tried to wipe the sleep out of her eyes, the harsh light of the hallway fluorescents the first thing she noticed as the door swung open. The second thing was the person standing in front of it. It was Jake. His hand was frozen in the air, like he was about to knock for a fourth time if she hadn’t answered. “What are you doing here?” she whispered, her voice small. She didn’t trust it to speak any louder. 

Jake’s breath hitched as he noticed what she was wearing. His sweatshirt. He stuffed his hand into his jeans pocket, pulling out her pearl ring. The same one she had taken off the day he left, the same one he had given her when his thoughts of the future were filled with big houses and weddings and kids’ birthday parties. He held it out to her. “I had to see you.”

[thermie]

h h hewwo owoo 22 / 23 / 29 / 31 / 34 / 50 / 58 / 61 / 88 in any order, and u can also just. pick only those that u want :3

hhhh-ewwwo? I did say I wanted to chat and I desperately do not want to do work or studies so buckle in for a long post (derogatory). 22. role model? Oh man, I don’t think I have any, like, specific ones for entire things, though I do fall in my hero-worship phaes and then fall out of them like everyone else. I think that taking an entire person and being like I wanna be like them is... not for me though. But I do look up to some people for specific things - I look up to, weirdly enough, Abigail Phylosohpytube who I didn’t watch before her coming out for her graceful coming out video though she admits that the experience wasn’t obviously as smooth. I look up to lots and lots of people for their ability to create and their art (not gonna tag my fav artists bc am tiny and do not want people to look at me, but i do be reblogging). I look up to people like ConcernedApe Stardewvalley and Supergiantgames Hades for their ability to put so much soul in their work, smth I aspire to do. I look up to @not-poignant for, among other things, their idk how to say it best, wisdom in understanding and communicating with others and with myself? I’ve learned a lot by just sort of being in their periphery and seeing how they articulate their thoughts and choose to be kind and witness other’s pain. Hell, I look up to twitch streamers and youtubers sometimes (the recent nice trait I’d like to have if I ever went into bigger content production is how ibxtoycat deals with parasocial relationship realities). 23. strange habits? Hm. I don’t think drinking tea whenever I need a pick-me-up is strange, that’s just probably forcefully assigning a British nationality to me. I think my insistence on misspelling words in a way I think is lowkey funny might be one, I say thamks bc it feels softer, or thank bc it’s funny, I say sleeb, I say finkers or tryink or otherwise replace g with k for lulz. I also don’t know if it counts as a habit but I have a small leather band around my wrist that’s been there for a year soon. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm I probs have like, stranger habits but I can’t recall rn. 29. best way to bond with you? Hmm. Well, if you show initiative and are explicit about wanting to spend time with me, that’s already a big chance of me spending time with you. And then if our interests match and I don’t think that you’re like, young in a way that automatically puts me in a position where I don’t feel comfortable really being myself around you bc in my head I have to look out for you (it has happened with two of my friends, sigh), and we regularly spend time together, voila, friend acquired. It simultaneously doesn’t take much and takes a bit to be my friend and bond with me - it’s easy af to become a casual friend cuz I’m always open to new people, but there has to be a level of trust to become like, a close friend. Respecting my boundaries, talking shit with me, being explicitly committal about wanting to bond with me are big steps that way. 31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? Uh, I don’t do neither, but a current fave that is reasonably badass is my black tshirt with like, a ritual circle and a deer skull. V edgy, 10/10. I also used to have like a real edgy tshirt with a jester and some dice that said the game of life, but I threw it out bc dysphoria. or maybe I put it at the back of my closet along with one other shirt In Case I Get Top Surgery so I can wear them then. 34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? Many, such is the nature of advertising, alas. I have managed to avoid most of it tbh though, so the only place I am forced to sit through ads so they stick is my scrabble capitalist nightmare app where I play and always beat haha my coursemate. And they have adds for those shitty apps where you have to solve a puzzle that ends up failing in the add and like, drenching a man in green goo. I find those kinda fascinating tbh. Who plays these games? Who plays these shitty shitty games whose ad has to be “prove your IQ“ to make you want to prove yourself to play them? Oh and also, the insidious nature of ads in media I consume - the mcelroys have gotten me informed about many many things bc they do it in a funny way. Have you heard about squarespace? What about meundies? I also literally installed honey yesterday that I knew abt bc of the relentless adds and I wanted to save, uh, 2.50 from my minecraft server purchase (and then spent some time googling how they make money before giving up. just say u sell my data, that’s easier than not knowing what part of this makes you money). I was tired and in a weird mood, ok. 50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? It’s always the stupidest jokes, what matters more is laughing together with someone and getting caught in a laughing loop. I still remember laughing with my siblings until our stomachs really really hurt bc I think one of us said a rug was vomit-colored and it was funny in the moment. How many times have I laughed like that with you too, vit. I know that Laura’s one is nostrilatu, right? :D :D It’s just something that catches you off guard, I think.

58. four talents you’re proud of having? Oh shid. Hm. 1) My ability to analyze data and understand the basic building blocks of something. Makes me cool at studying and sexy at explaining things to my course-mates. 2) Not a talent more like a skill that I’ve worked hard on through therapy - but my inner positive voice/healthy parent is very strong and automatic (something I was sure would never happen). A good example is me going out for a walk, my phone dying so I can’t listen to music, when I went in my head “well I can always make music in my head. do-do-do *drum sound*“ and I could feel the wave of self-reprimand cresting but before I could actually hear any negative comments the positive voice said with a light of a thousand suns NO THAT IS ACTUALLY CUTE AND SEXY and just haaaaaaah. 3) I sing good. Need to sing more. 4) I think I’m good at making conversation. Even with people I don’t necessarily like or want to talk to. More of a skill again but whatever. 61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? Do not come to me and ask for favorites, witch. Uh, I have some quotes in my notes app, like 7 from Pia’s writing :D. But imma go with “It’s a serious thing just to be alive on this fresh morning in the broken world“ by Mary Oliver. It counts, ok. Or, wait, something I will for real one day either crosstitch of commission shitpostcalligrapher: “t’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something. “What are we holding onto Sam?” “There’s good in this world, Mr. Frodo, and it’s worth fighting for.“” 88. your greatest wish? Hrm. Right now? To have like a couple days with no responsibilities and without the outside world bearing on me as heavily, to be tiny tiny tiny so I’m invisible and can drink tiny tea on a tiny leaf. Uh, in general? My recently formulated wish or a goal is stability/peace. Then everything else becomes ok because you can bounce back to stable ground between feeling shit or everything happening so much. And I’ve sort of reached that. Also like, half a million euros would be nice too so I can get a house and a car and go on a few trips abroad. :D // there’s two ask memes in my blog recently, go wild

[cidnangarlond]

Did someone say NOSY?? 😈 15 17 21 25 27 28 29 32 33 36 41 42 43, and 44 as well :]

15) Favorite movie

HMMMMMMM right now I’d say 2004′s “Night Watch” it is absolutely bonkers and I love it so so dearly

17) Someone you miss

My sister and my nephew! Like yes I saw them a couple weeks ago but still <3 and also my mom! She lives 2 hours north of here and man if I had a car I could spend weekends with her that’d be fun

21) What I love most about myself

Right now I’d say my pink hair bc I’ve been getting a lot of compliments on it!! Other than that my long as shit eyelashes so I never have to use mascara :) (not like I wear makeup anyway but You Know)

25) My idea of a perfect date

I’m a dinner and a movie kind of person, or just like. going to the aquarium and doing stuff like that and vibing, or hanging out at the beach just relaxing with some food :)

27) A description of the boy/girl I like

WELL they are a few inches taller than me and actually dyed their hair a light blue some time back so. inadvertently we now match dkjhsfkjds but they’re super funny and thoughtful and caring and I love talking to them about anything and everything <3

28) A description of the person I dislike most

I can literally namedrop this dude I went to high school with him and had classes w him 3 years in a row and he’s a meninist Trump supporter and so fucking annoying I hate him so much. I’m glad I never wanted to do doctor stuff because the college he’s at is where I would have gone and I don’t think I could have mentally handled seeing him in person around campus (Isaac I hate you so fucking much)

Highlight of my life was correcting him on something in senior year English class and my friend telling me at lunch that he looked so shocked a woman corrected him and I like my girl. you have NO idea how much happiness that fills me with

29) A reason I’ve lied to a friend

Most of the time it’s birthday related stuff or gift related stuff but there are times where it’s like, me not trying to hurt their feelings or pretending I don’t know about something to get the info on said situation which is pretty fun having all that information ad being able to do like. whatever I want with it. many times I could have ended friendships but I would have felt bad and people wouldn’t like me for that :/ anyway I still lie to a guy I knew in high school and say we’re friends when he’s really weird and I want him away from me Forever

32) What words upset me the most

Bro I hate being called a liar SO BAD. Like I can handle anything else, be it jealous, boring, irritating, etc but A LIAR? oh my god I’ll go apeshit I’ll get SO mad

33) What words make me feel the best about myself

Uhhhhhhh truth be told since my entire left all the praise I got was for my schoolwork and not Me as a person most things don’t make me Feel much of anything I’m just like cool yeah okay thanks. I do take pride in my work and getting validation on the great job I did but as for Myself. hmmmmmmm probably related to getting people gifts and stuff and seeing them get super happy and thank me because it’s just what they wanted. love that feeling :)

36) Where I would love to live

Ideally right near campus here, but in a better world where I have lots of money. anywhere but the United States

41) Where I want to be right now

Mentally I want to be stable but asleep in bed with no worries no homework no class or work, just vibing and sleeping or playing Skyrim and listening to a podcast

42) The last thing I ate

Peanut butter out of the jar but before that harvest cheddar Sun Chips

43) Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately

I don’t actually think he’s like. Mega Sexy but the last image I saw reblogged before this was Mads Mikkelsen and I’m gonna fuckin kms I hate y’all for making see the Hannibal renaissance now that it’s on Netflix like it’s 2013 again. If you asked me in 2013 tho I probably would have said he was hot. anyway I know she’s an anime woman but Noi Dorohedoro

44) A random fact about anything

I used an AMV I made in high school getting over 300k views on my college applications

Thank u Bren!! <3

[moariin]

10 questions tag game

i was tagged by @montevena and some of the questions you gave me are intriguing so we’ll see how this goes! 

rules: answer the 10 questions, ask a different 10, and tag 10 people. 

1. Which trope you’re writing is the hardest for you?

this took a while to think about. so i’ll say anything dealing with time or ether dimension is the hardest to write about. for me, part of the problem is my mind trying to wrap around physics and making sense of it because i want to be realistic (which broke me a little). 

jokers game (a wip currently on hiatus and should be renamed since it’s cheesy) and wicked seven deals with this kind of dimension travelling trope...i’m starting to get an idea as i’m sketching out the outline and notes. 

2. Who are five of your favorite characters from books/tv shows/etc.?

okay so, im listing out my favorites so they’re re-l and vincent law (ergo proxy), zoya from the grishaverse...she’s everything a girl/boy/person can dream of and i am gay, and i hate to say this but i have to include it bc he’s a persona/brand...richard papen from the secret history. lastly, zhou ying (nothing gold can stay)...i just dig characters that are down to earth but headstrong and resilient af 

3. Who are five of your favorite ocs?

etienne, an oc from @popovs, he’s such a cool, refreshing character and my mind is still in awe from the excerpts shown abt him. a little mysterious bc i want to hear more about this dude. 

i have to mention that isadora or izzy, is one of the few characters i’m really rooting for, hope she could accomplish her goals in finding nadine and more (her relationships with maris and patrick is goals, honestly and also my favorites). bless @wiipciity coming up this amazing character! 

throwing this out bc it’s obvious, @montevena...ines, just ines. 

4. What literary devices do you enjoy reading most? Are they the same ones you like to write most?

zeugma is one of the literary devices i enjoy the most, there’s something short and melodic about it that makes me excited to read on (funny i found myself using zeugma as if it’s my second nature). oh, i especially love euphemism and personification though i tend to write more of the latter. irony is also something i like to find and read about but not so much writing it...it tends to fall flat imo

5. If you could only have one WIP, which would it be? Why?

i’m keeping these hungry dogs, i rather not lose my other wips tbhh but having thd sticking with me for years made me biased...ope

6. Fantasy or Contemporary?

fantasy, it is my roots 

7. Romance or Bromance?

bromance, i just find them enjoyable to read and write about, also we need more of bromance in literature/media, they deserve the same spotlight 

8. Do you have any pet peeves in writing?

i typically find it’s insulting to have writers ‘spoon-feed’ their readers information, thinking they aren’t smart enough to figure the plot twist or foreshadowing by themselves. it’s very obvious when it does happen and i find it as a turn-off and quit reading. it’s sigh, most of the time it’s the writers not trusting their readers and this has to stop 

9. If you had to choose one album of some musical artist/band to represent your WIP, which would it be?

as a playlist kind of person, Ramsey could be a perfect fit for heir of the alchemist, she is an absolute phenomenon and powerhouse in vocals, the rawness of it, yes 

10. Do you have any pet peeves on writeblr?

hope everyone agrees to this or else i’m going to the corner. so this is for taglists, mainly. whenever i explictly said that ‘ask me to be added/removed to the taglist’, i ACTUALLY meant that, send me an ask. 

it’s been years and it bothers me a lot. instead, i keep having people writing in the tags asking me if they could be added, and chances are, i won’t be able to know or see them. trust me, i don’t have to the time to go through every reblogs/tags to look for them. and i am sure it isn’t just me who had this problem. i think i discussed with @montevena about this a while back and it’s tiring. 

but i need to throw this out that this isn’t an attack, i happen to make the same mistakes but actively trying to fix that. i think it goes with writeblr etiquettes, i believe there’s a post about this by @pens-swords-stuff...i apologize for this heated essay 

TAGGING: @wiipciity @vandorens @viciousvenganza @allimaycreations @heritane @astorsa @asablehart @ladywithalamp @samplewriting @summersromance(+anyone who wants to do this, say i tagged you, no pressure to everyone i tagged) 

here’s my 10 questions for you

1. Are you a plotter, pantser, or in between? 2. If you had to chose one wip to be adapted into screenplay, which would it be? 3. Pen or pencil?  4. When do you usually write, during the day, afternoon, or night? 5. Is there any inspiration put into your wip? Why? 6. Do you prefer writing with or without music?  7. Enemies to lovers or lovers to enemies? 8. Do you have a favorite line/paragraph from your wip you’re proud of?  9. Who are three of your favorite writeblr?  10. What niche genre or tropes you wish it could be presented more. Why?

[browneyes-and-starryskies]

Sorry for this post but i was looking up cherokee ppl to find references to draw piper w features that aren’t white & i got sucked down the google rabbit hole. kept clicking different pictures and found this:

It wasn’t even buried that deep. and there were a bunch more like this, not even including the pics that appeared when i added women onto my searches. the amount of cultural appropriation and fetishization was fucking disgusting. what the fuck.

so when i see this shit. the amount of ungodly RAGE this creates in me to the point where my blood is fucking BOILING and i’m prepared and eager to fucking STAB A BITCH is among levels HIGHER THAN ANY POWER ON EARTH. i have no connection to any native cultures or identities but you can’t tell me this doesn’t ignite extreme fucking FURY or at least ANGER when you see this shit.

like i’m extremely white and i’m not trying to be like “oh look at me :) i’m a good ally bc i make posts abt racism uwu”. im not trying to do that but pls tell me if i come across that way or if this post has anything else abt it that’s ignorant or problematic, bc i’m rly not educated on native issues at all besides a couple things i very vaguely know about. but i just wanted to call more attention to this.

i’m about to fucking roundhouse kick a motherfucker into the upper atmosphere. im fucking pissed. but i’m white and uneducated in native struggles/modern politics/issues in general and i don’t want y’all to listen to me on this. i want y’all to listen to actual native ppl and boost their voices. that being said, i don’t know a lot of blogs run by actual indigenous ppl. which is also partly why i’m making this post, bc i’m saying y’all need to know about this, but like. i need to know abt this too. cuz i don’t know shit, and that’s bad.

(side note, there was one AWESOME blog i remember who made FANTASTIC piper mclean fanart. idk what happened to them, but when i click on their icon i get nothing, just a popup that says there was an error accessing the blog. idk if they got deactivated or something, idk what happened at all but uh. that blog is gone and i’m lowkey devastated. their url used to be pipersgay, so if any of y’all know where they went please lmk bc i miss them)

tangents aside, if anyone knows any blogs run by indigenous ppl, especially blogs w info abt native struggles & modern politics/racism/native issues in general, pls let me know and/or reblog this post w/ the urls of their blogs. i tried to look up blogs myself but i don’t even know enough abt native culture/issues to know what blogs r legit unless it’s blatantly obvious, and i don’t wanna direct ppl to false/biased/outdated information. but i do want to raise awareness. and like. i also desperately need to learn abt this bc again, i know next to nothing except for the fact that there’s a lot of shit going down that’s extremely fucked up & probably being silenced by the media (whether it be by no coverage or by straight up lies/bias/etc.)

TLDR: PLEASE HELP ME AND OTHERS STAY INFORMED ABOUT CURRENT NATIVE STRUGGLES, SEND ME AN ASK AND/OR REBLOG THIS POST WITH URLS OF BLOGS RUN BY ACTUAL NATIVE PPL IF YOU ARE ABLE TO DO SO.

[freckliedan]

You actually support Bernie? I don’t mean to come across aggressive but I would just be surprised if that were the case, given how Bernie is. I mean like no offense but he's exhibited racist, sexist, & (low-key) homophobic tendencies. In terms of racism he has exhibited, in 2016 Sanders dismissed Democratic voters in the South (who happen to be overwhelmingly black) as not mattering while acting as though the Democratic voters in North and Midwest (who are predominately white) did matter. (1/3)

(context)

bud i literally actively avoid all national politics that do not have a direct impact on me and that i have no way of influencing/creating change about. i'm going to do my research on presidential candidates before the election obviously but i actively and intentionally have no fucking idea what is going on with the primary campaigning or whatever bc of how bad it is for my health.

i wish i didn't feel like i should justify that health comment but i do, and i also want to share to let others know that it's okay to like.. do what i do re: politics? anyways.

i'm neurodivergent, mentally ill, and am chronically ill as well; i'm a student in my last semester of college and i work while also PAYING to work what is essentially a second job (my practicum placement through school). i don't talk a lot about my practicum on this blog, but since january i have been running two local support groups for lgbtq+ teens, working to start a group for young adults who are over the age of 18, and i've also begun working with my college advisor to lend my knowledge to a group starting on campus. i've also been in the middle of almost every single local lgbtq+ youth event since january. part of the final push to start therapy was to do better by the kids, all of whom are traumatized in various ways. up until august i was for the most part the single adult actively engaging with the youth who attend, and numbers were reaching up to the mid twenties.

the point is if i force myself to pay constant attention to horrible political news that i have literally no way of impacting it results in my health tanking and me not being able to do the work i do right now in my community! which is a Lot and which i am literally going into debt to do!

it matters when it comes time for me to vote that i be informed, but right now it matters more that i not be informed. i just reblogged that post because i loathe billionares and appreciated the visual representations/explanations of what a billion is; it's an extremely difficult concept to grasp bc of how large a number that is and i've appreciated and rb'd posts that visually represent what a billion is before. this was a new one so i added it to my tag.

it's valid that you're so filled with anger at the world we live in; i'm filled with anger too, anger and grief. i'm not the person to direct your anger at, though, and even if i were the person you assumed me to be in your asks contacting me out of anger wouldn't've been constructive or helped your cause.

[patchdotexe]

So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter�� is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird

[notitlemp3]

- the block button is your friend. use it liberally. someone's vibes are rancid? simply off? said something that you can't say anything is wrong with but rubs you the wrong way and raises your hackles? remove them from your internet experience

- customize your blog a little. at least a profile picture so people don't block you thinking you're a bot. add a header, change your background, accent and text colors, add a title and description if you want to do more. there's a whole world of blog customization out there i can't tell you about bc i am a mobile user, but if you're interested in that check it out, there are templates ready for use

- reblog reblog reblog. the only way more people will see a post is if it's reblogged. if you like a post, put it on your blog so more people can see it. don't worry about having nothing to add or what op might think of you reblogging. subject everyone to content you like. most people don't mind if you spree reblog their posts (once i found a blog and immediately reblogged 120 posts from them). you can reblog multiple times! if you really agree with something, put it on your blog 5 or 20 or 100 times and force everyone to scroll past it as much as you've reblogged!

- as someone put it, this is the bothering people site. all the tools are in place for people who actually don't want to be bothered to not be

- you can add a read more on mobile by typing :readmore: on a new line and hitting enter. make sure it has no spaces

- someone getting their tags screenshot and added in a reblog is like passing a form of peer review process

- it's true people these days tend to prefer talking in the tags (well, people on tumblr have always talked in the tags) but feel free to just add onto the post. we have an informal peer review process for tags but imagine how many great comments have been lost in there. definitely a personal opinion but i think people should try adding onto posts more (i'm bad at it myself tho)

- having your post get popular is something of a curse bc you will never stop seeing notifications for it. people will tell you the same opinion a thousand times. but if someone expresses dismay at the number of notes their post has, don't worry you're not crossing any boundaries by reblogging it anyway. i reblog posts i like every time i see them. again, this is the bothering people site. if they really want to stop they can turn off reblogs or delete the post and stop getting notifs

- tumblr has a lot of inside jokes. some memes are more than a decade old. there are even holidays. take your time learning them, they're gonna be confusing. if you ask someone is usually happy to explain

- so much more i cannot think of right now

- you can queue posts, schedule posts, filter tags...

- i should not have been allowed to write tumblr tips for twitter users. i'm incapable of writing anything without being wordy, i had to add bold text to this bc of that. in fact my addition has gotten too long i'm adding a read more

I got a few new followers last night without any posts blowing up so I assume y’all are here from Twitter, there’s a few of these posts around but just as a reminder on how tumblr is:

- you can swear here

-there is not a shadow ban feature

- likes really don’t do anything for engagement, they’re more of a bookmark feature

- most people prefer to talk in the tags over commenting, it’s like commenting but quieter

- tags are also great for adding trigger warnings or organizing so you can find stuff later, if you’re going to add a tw to a post, don’t censor it or it won’t work

Ex: #bl00d ⬅️ don’t do that, #blood ⬅️ do that

- tumblr is a personally curated dashboard, find your people and follow them, if you don’t like them, unfollow them. unlike Twitter it is actually 100% achievable to never see discourse if you don’t want to see it. Have fun!

[starstuffatsea]

I posted 2,349 times in 2021

9 posts created (0%)

2340 posts reblogged (100%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 260.0 posts.

I added 65 tags in 2021

#for later - 27 posts

#video - 6 posts

#ref - 6 posts

#inspo - 5 posts

#book recs - 4 posts

#sewing - 4 posts

#totally legal - 4 posts

#v talks - 3 posts

#books - 3 posts

#knitting - 3 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#ya girl does have certain uncomfyness with gender specific things. i hate being referred to as my brothers sister (or mh dogs sister bc my m

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Did I really just fully realize I'm non binary after 1. Jokingly referring to myself as both god and Jesus if Jesus is aroace and God is non binary and 2. Reading a fucking fanfiction where a character says their boobs don't go with their outfit.

Seems about right for the way things go with me.

1 notes • Posted 2021-06-21 08:01:41 GMT

#4

Just finished a required diversity and inclusion workshop for my school.

It took me like 3 hours instead of the recommended 90 minutes because it was not adhd friendly at all.

And they had the nerve to tell me about universal design when they couldn't even handle it themselves?

There were long paragraphs of unbroken text, long sentences, lots of information in each sentence, narrow paragraph width, a built in text to speech that didn't work, videos that couldn't be rewinded by a few seconds or even by the whole thing when you were halfway through, you had to wait it out then start over then hope and pray you get it this time.

It was not fun.

1 notes • Posted 2021-01-29 22:47:39 GMT

#3

Fuck JK Rowling, everyone in hp is trans

1 notes • Posted 2021-01-06 17:43:13 GMT

#2

5 notes • Posted 2021-06-25 06:01:40 GMT

#1

Wait... if we call Roman "Ro", and Deciet "Dee", basically giving them nicknames of the first syllable of their names as we know them

By this pattern, Remus would be "Ree"

18 notes • Posted 2021-01-13 03:22:02 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[whatthefuckisasweep]

I posted 924 times in 2021

34 posts created (4%)

890 posts reblogged (96%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 26.2 posts.

I added 625 tags in 2021

#assassins creed - 133 posts

#ac - 116 posts

#connor kenway - 71 posts

#ratonhnhaké:ton - 61 posts

#rvb - 51 posts

#ac3 - 51 posts

#aciii - 40 posts

#jacob frye - 35 posts

#haytham kenway - 34 posts

#gifset - 33 posts

Longest Tag: 117 characters

#i just saw a yt comment saying connor doesnt have the mental strength as ezio or altair and i just lost it internally

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

Im just thinking about the growth and meaning thats shown through the statement of “because no one else will”. Ratonhnhakè:ton could have said “for my people”, he could have said “to find you”. but no. because no one else will. it is not only for his people, not for his own personal gain, but because Lee is trying to take control and it takes a dedicated mad man to stop him. he sees it now. even after all of the Revolution, after how he was treated by the side he was supposedly on, he believes in the notion of freedom above all, as cruel as it is to him. he believes a free choice to do good is the only good that is worth it. bc. no one else has that faith anymore. So it is his duty, his obligation, to keep it alive.

it is so insane. so so insane to believe that above what happened to his family, above his very own life, above his own status as an assassin (connor tells Aveline when she asks if he ever doubts the brotherhood: “i trust my hand”) , Ratonhnhakè:ton still chose the notion of humanity’s freedom. just. that statement, “because no one else will”, kind of says, “if its mad to believe in people’s free will so that they can choose to be good instead of forced, then so be it. yes, i am mad, i am that one in a million who believe that, yes. and, in fact, I am going to choose good on purpose, i am choosing to believe it, even if no one else on planet fucking earth is left to be kind anymore. why??? because i fucking am.” its the type of dedicated stubborn that is the complete opposite of cynical, bitter, and selfish.

i cant imagine reading connor as “angry”, “whiny”, or “driven by revenge”, i have no idea where people pull that from.

104 notes • Posted 2021-09-16 06:19:38 GMT

#4

new assassin intimidation method just dropped ft. kenways

124 notes • Posted 2021-08-16 18:57:40 GMT

#3

hey, everyone. i dont want to ask much but im in a huge bind. i am not the type to talk about myself or my life but. right now i need as much help as i can get.

I am moving into an apartment soon, and my school covered all my costs until this year. due to my PARENTS tax information they only JUST NOW REVIEWED, they are deeming my financial need to be 0. This is untrue. my father is old, 70+, and he does not work. my mother works a minimum wage job. my brother is in highschool. me and my brother dont have cars, so we cannot commute to work. the reason why we were denied is because our taxes were high last year due to my mother giving into gambling for a while (but she is much better now). this did not earn us much profits, as you can imagine. with COVID and family matters we placed our finances elsewhere, not expecting this. but now… we 100% cannot pay for our tuition + apartment with FIVE roommates - as a dean’s list who just received admission into my major, I cannot pay to get in.

So, I am getting a loan. But the loan can only reach a certain amount for my year. But. I had a scholarship that covered a lot. I thought I was guaranteed that scholarship as long as I had good grades, but I guess I was wrong. It was canceled too, just today, and I do not know why. My parents have horrible credit due to their own past mistakes too, and it is affecting me and their ability to get a loan themselves. We didnt expect this, so I already signed the lease to my apartment. Everything is so last minute that we have decided to sell our house of 19 years that I grew up in, but it will take a while and tuition, rent, food stuff, and moving in is all urgent soon. I am so shellshocked about how quick this happened and how little time I have to fix it, and how slow the contact with any help has been that it’s just been a week of feeling like i have no good luck left. just one thing after another coming down.

If we can just earn the scholarship money back - $4,000 - then we should be good for now. We will need this before October 15. Please, if you can, share this and boost it. If you want anything, commission or a fic, just hit me up and I will do my best to fulfill what you ask and give you something for your work. My comms sheets are attached too, below the cut.

My paypal is janana7676

My venmo is janana76

Literally anything helps, even a dollar or a reblog

Thank you.

155 notes • Posted 2021-09-11 10:01:46 GMT

#2

i cant get over the fact that connor destroys his own dad’s nuts in hand to hand combat. it is so FUCKING funny to me that he punched his snooty british father in the ding dong and then haytham proceeds to monologue abt how connor cant match him as if that didnt happen. what the fuck. its such a serious scene but. god why is that comedy gold.

161 notes • Posted 2021-08-03 10:00:46 GMT

#1

having played almost all main ac games (from AC1-Syndicate), I gotta say Ratonhnhakè:ton remains my favorite Assassin. While I find every protagonist really compelling and often moving, I think Connor’s story and lesson he takes away applies so beautifully to life + game says a lot about history.

That no matter how bitter, tasteless, disgusting, disgruntling, and horrid the world is you can still change it and rebuild it. that losing naiveté doesnt mean you have to lose your hope or your kindness. you can lose everything but you can still be kind, see that there is good in the world, and believe in it, hope in it, nurture it into change. that your history and heritage can and should follow you wherever you go and be respected. That you dont have to forgive people that wronged you to be a good person - it is part of life to choose who we leave behind and who we trust. our trauma is our own, and we dont need to forgive anyone for our pain. we make our own families with love and care, but we fight our battles with our most powerful weapons and convictions we can. We must be ruthless to injustice, but so caring and warm to those we love. and, in the end, we must rely on ourselves to do what is right, because no one else will. that is what Connor learned, and it really connects with me.

And I feel like people dont really talk about Ratonhnhakè:ton as a legend in the AC universe as much as they should compared to Ezio and Altair. Like. He didnt have shit. No uncle, no assassin training, no friends, no money, no family, no love interest, no bureau or hideout — He had to fight to get Achilles to even ACCEPT him, and even then he rebuilt the Homestead from a shithole to a community with his own labor, lost his whole tribe, learned all the moves without Achilles’ physical help, single handedly destroyed the Templars in the Americas starting with NOTHING but being bossed around by leaders looking to take advantage of him, killed his own dad, trained recruits, got married, had kids, and lived a long healthy fucking life. He even trained his own daughter to be an Assassin and succeeded. At any moment he could have said, “yknow what. fuck this world and everyone in it. humans are shitty and life sucks”. But no. all of this he built on his own because he believed in humanity and change and just… did it without a complaint or even a brag. Because he decided “yknow what. people are still worth fighting for” AFTER ALL THEY PUT HIM THROUGH. And that’s why Connor has to be my favorite Assassin.

Also the sass he has is unmatched. No offense but his glare is the funniest shit. He doesnt even need words and it cuts like a knife LMAO

215 notes • Posted 2021-09-10 10:01:29 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[brittapcrrys]

hey, can you please tag posts that refer to suicide? even when it's an informative/educational post, it's still a triggering topic for many and without tags it went straight past all filters (and i have a LOT to be careful lol). anyway, hope you have a lovely day! sorry if this sounds demanding, i tried super hard to not make it come across that way as it wasn't the intention!

TW: suicide mention (in ask text and referenced/implied in my response)

hey, i'm SO sorry!!! i hope you're doing okay, and im genuinely so sorry for putting you and others at risk like that. the post has been tagged appropriately now

i usually do tag it - mentions, even allusions to it, but if it's the post i think it is (i scrolled back and i think this is referring to the anti-carceral therapy approaches post, bc that's the most recent relevant untagged post i can see?), i think i read, liked & reblogged it at different points during a 3-day migraine, which probably means i shouldn't be reblogging such widely triggering content while in that state bc.... the most basic safety measures can, evidently, slip my mind. but if there's any more posts you or others see are untagged, and if you feel able to, please let me know!! im gonna go back and search for any others myself in a sec but if this is something ppl have noticed i overlook regularly... yikes at myself but i need to know.

thanks for letting me know - not demanding at all!!! i appreciate that this may well have been an incredibly distressing and difficult situation for you overall so you (and others) have my sincerest apologies, and also my gratitude for the reminder here!!

* * * * *

as a sidenote - if you're using both of the built-in tumblr filters and content blockers, im a little surprised that the post wasn't filtered for you? in my personal experience, the combination of ~double filtering~ terms in the Tags and then again in the Post Content sections has blocked pretty much every post (save my own, and ads) to mention / be tagged with / even a reblog that originally was tagged or contained the filtered terms. like, this site is buggy and inadequate in so many ways, but then they updated the blocking and filtering earlier this year (?? last year??? must've been last year) they did it well.

so below is a quick grab of mine:

so my full list of filtered TAGS is.... incredibly long and im v glad that these are more 'red flag OP tags' on display more than common triggers - ant!-ant!, as!acore, cott@gecore, to block anything tagged on my dash, OR and posts that OP had originally tagged as such, from my view

and then filtered POST CONTENT you can just see 'hollowuscr' which i think is also in the tag list but the story there is a while back there was a sort of... unreality / horror-esque rp promo interactive blog and i found it and the associated puzzles and analysis etc incredibly unsettling and realised it had caused me to dissociate.... so i tried the then-new filtering option and it was all GONE because everyone was either tagging, @ ing or just writing the url in their posts abt it all , the filter(s) caught all of that and while the posts still existed on my dash they had the "blocked because it contains filtered words #xyz" overlay. and it's worked for me across my dashboard and in-dash blog viewing on both desktop and the mobile app. doesn't filter posts if u open the blog in it's own tab, but as far as im aware that's a limitation on all filtering/blocking options available rn.

so if you're using that filtering option w/ the keyword in question here and it's NOT catching mentions in posts, that may be something to contact support about because that's literally their own description of what it's supposed to do

but if it's simply that you've overlooked this additional form of filtering/blocking content, hopefully you can add a few terms to it to give yourself that extra bit of protection and security. not that it needs to be completely in ur hands, triggers are triggers and we all need to be mindful to give adequate warning!!! - but sometimes mistakes happen, and other times....people are just absolute arseholes, and i know it's been very helpful to me since i found out abt the updated tumblr filters so i hope...maybe....it either already is, or can be, useful to you!

[jadelyn]

No one is entitled to anyone else's success story

A lot of the "tumblr is anti-recovery" panic and moralizing is based around the idea that it's "dangerous" to younger people with MIs/chronic illness to see all us Bitter Old Crazies making jokes about NT Advice(tm) and acting like we're never gonna get better. And tbh it strikes me as similar to the recent moral panic about adult or triggering content in fandom spaces. Think of The Children! they cry. You're Being a Bad Influence!

But here's the thing. Nobody is entitled to someone else's success story. Kids with MIs do not have some kind of right to see adults with MIs successfully coping, and in the inverse, it's not our responsibility to hide our unsuccessful coping away from where impressionable kiddos might see it and be discouraged by it.

First of all, not everyone has a success story. Not everyone gets better. People might be able to improve, or they might not. And by classifying people who acknowledge their circumstances as being the best they're likely to get as "anti-recovery", you're literally trying to silence mentally ill people from talking about their own lives and experiences, just because you don't like to hear about it.

But even for those of us who do have success stories - like, I'm one of those. I dropped out of college and spent the first 10 years of my adult life living with partners and family, relying on others, driving a 20-year-old clunker of a car which I literally had to duct-tape pieces back onto sometimes, trying to work retail and temp jobs to get by when I could, but I never could hold anything down very long. About 5 years ago, I finally got treatment - meds, specifically, bc I'd had on and off therapy that only helped a little bit - for my depression. As of this year, I have graduated college with a 4-year degree, bought a newish car (10 yrs old sports car in good condition), held down a single job in my desired career field for almost 4 years, and I bought a house with my partner earlier this year. You couldn't ask for a more solid recovery story than that.

But, and this is key: I don't owe anyone the inspiration of my story. Existing in public as an adult who's turned my life around despite severe chronic mental illness doesn't obligate me to serve as a good example or role model to others with MIs. I often choose to take on that role, but it's a choice, and if I chose instead to keep it to myself, or to publicly vent my bitterness over the decade of life I've lost because of my illness, or vent my frustration with the useless NT advice I tried to follow and use to "fix" myself (to no avail) before finally getting proper treatment, then that's my right. This is my blog, my space, I'll tag things appropriately but I refuse to censor myself from talking about the reality of my mental illness, and if you don't wanna hear my negativity you know where to find the unfollow button.

And in fact, the responsibility in this situation lies not with the people talking, but with the people listening.

When I was in college and for a bit thereafter, I was part of a depression and mental illness forum. I don't remember the name of it anymore, but I spent time on it then like I spend time on Tumblr now. Talking with people, posting and replying. And a lot of it, as one might expect for a gathering of people with depression of varying degrees of severity and treatment resistance, was really negative.

And that was a space that helped and supported me for a good number of years. I could open up about my suicidal thoughts and urges to self-harm. I could receive caring and understanding from people who were like me, who never made me roll my eyes with Pollyanna-ish platitudes or offered empty sentiment to inspire "hope". If I felt hopeless, I could just fucking say that, could act like it. I didn't have to perform positivity for anyone or hide my struggles.

But there came a time, eventually, when I began to find the level of negativity to be harmful for me rather than helpful. I had changed, and I needed something different.

So you know what I did?

I didn't go around the forum and start telling people they were being too negative.

I didn't try to force people to perform hopefulness and positivity because it would be more beneficial for me personally.

I didn't scold people or accuse them of hindering my recovery.

I

Fucking

Left.

I left that forum. I said goodbye to my friends, gave people my offsite contact information, and I stopped visiting that forum altogether. Because I had reached a point in my recovery where that environment had gone from helpful to harmful, for me personally. So I took responsibility for my own recovery and my own progress, and I made the decision to move on and find the kind of environment that would be good for me at that point.

It's not quite so neat and discrete here on Tumblr, since so many people have personal blogs and reblog a variety of types of content, sometimes adding their contribution, sometimes not. Unless you strictly and only follow topic-specific blogs, you'll be exposed sometimes to things you didn't quite sign up for.

But even here, you're still responsible for you user experience. You have tools you can use. Blacklist certain tags or phrases or topics. Unfollow or block specific individuals. Do what you need to do, in order to create an environment on your dash that is healthy for you and meets your needs.

And that is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Yours. Not mine, not anyone else's. We are not responsible for creating an environment that meets your mental health needs. We are individuals who are allowed to talk shit and piss and moan about our lives on our own goddamn blogs if we want to. Which includes making morbid jokes, mocking shitty advice that we've received from NT people that was anywhere from useless to actively harmful, talking openly about our limitations, being honest about our hopes for recovery or lack thereof, and complaining about the relentless positivity that demands we continue to aspire to a NT model of Recovery(tm) even when we know damn well that's not a possibility for us.

You're not entitled to anyone else's success story for inspiration. If you want to hear success stories and positivity, find people who post that stuff and leave us Bitter Old Crazies the fuck alone.