#really takes me back to uni
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(ID in alt) I literally said I was gonna post this month's ago and then never had the wherewithal to describe it and so I didn't Lmao (said with pain). But since I'm thinking of opening my commissions I figured I should remind ppl that I. Yknow. Can draw.
Lots of Steph here (I had major art block making all of these and my brain worms for her kept me going) + some sprinkles of stephcass for Cass nation to enjoy!
#dc comics#dc#stephanie brown#cassandra cain#jason todd#(yes for the teddy bear. it counts)#batgirl#batgirls#mine#< keep forgetting to tag my art as that I'm terrible 😭#ANYHOW I'm slowly getting back into drawing again after my last ipad got nuked (cant think abt that or ill cry) and i finished uni#oh yeah j finished my first year of uni btw. i went to an Olivia Rodrigo concert like a week or 2 ago. I've been busy lol#but yeah it's looking like I've got a fun summer of bottom feeding ahead of me now that I've officially been told i got passed over for that#-comic job i applied for. lol. lmao even#it's fine honestly it was a pretty daunting prospect i just have to find a way to fill the time by myself now#I've plenty of comics to read so that's nice. got wayyy into mark waids DD run recently (mostly for Chris Samnee's art)#so that's been fun! i have my empowered omnibus (embarrassing and kept under my bed <3) i have TT year 1 i have huntress and WW#uhhh i got flash 1 minute war. lots of good stuff!#so hopefully i don't go. completely feral from lack of stimulation#also hopefully commissions will be a thing i can do#godddd there's many mkre things i want to draw. i got too enamoured w my own bad theory and now I've drawn tim!bats#but unfortunately now i only want to draw tim!bats being laughed at my the batfamily bc seriously tim?? really??#< it's literally probably not going to happen but I've invested myself in this terrible future for some reason#imagine damian trying to robin for tim!bats for 1 (one) night and the next morning he doesn't say anything he just moves to bludhaven#he can't take this shit#oh so many ideas...#ANYWAY. ues. finally art. now if you like it. consider commissioning me (in 2 to 3 business weeks <3)#(no pressure)
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decided to go back to uni
#ive been DELIBERATING. and its a good choice#look i really can't imagine going back to teaching#and what I really don't want is to scramble for a new career in a new field as a junior without education#besides i know what i want#it's just a bachelors. it'll be over in a jiffy#you get paid to study here and I'll have an easier time finding an apartment too -- its the reason im starting on monday already (not uni b#t I lucked out and got put in some electoral classes that I could take just to get student status until may#and then i start the curator bachelors in august so it just. works. i can scarcely believe it but ill have time to change my mind if i do#IM SCARED. IM PUMPED. I FEEL OLD. IT'LL BE FINE.#also lmao every meeting i had with a councelor past few weeks ended with me sobbing because im so terrified and relieved at the same time#(really can't imagine teaching again i think it would kill me)#(but holy shit starting an entirely new carreer at 32? she wildin')#but yeagh. job ops look great and i have always regretted not turning to history so. AUGH PIC RELATED ME ASF#for a split second did I deliberate studying theology to be ordained just to spit the catholic church in the face? i did. what a laughhhh
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bello
#i hope you're all doing well <3#im back? kinda? not really? idk :(#it was really nice to get a lil break and i did miss being on here a little but also#not really#literally whats wrong with me rahhhh#maybe its bc ive been so drained and so busy im just not in the mood for fics or simping or kpop in general but like yeah idk :/#im still really busy until i go home for break which is the 10th i think#so i probs wont be super active until that point but even then i don't know if i'll be on here a lot :')#i hope its just uni making me feel this way and ill wanna be back on here more over the break#we'll see though#take care everyone love youuu be kind to yourselves and eat well and sleep good and yeah <3333#misiu’s diary ♡
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having commissions closed atm feels so weird especially since I've been consistently doing them for a while. its like....i should be doing something...
#tbf i have them closed atm cause. i am really burned out with commissions 😔 so I'm trying to recharge and get that motivation back#and i feel like im in a safe spot (financially) to do so so I can take a breather#aka i think all my uni stuff has been payed for this fall semester so i don't gotta stress abt anything hopefully#ty yall who have commissioned me 🫶#txt
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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Thought I'd post this because it blew my mind. A few days ago i was sitting by this shrub, and not even two seconds had passed that i was sitting there that this little guy caught my eye. We have a tree that is frequented by a pair of hummingbirds, so i was incredibly surprised to see that we had.. another, really teeny tiny hummingbird????
But no! Something about this critter struck me as very very weird. I looked up "smallest hummingbird" and, well, they didn't match up. Looking at the video i noticed the little antennae and decided to look up "hummingbird butterfly" and wouldn't you know it, it was!
It's actually a moth, but still. I'm glad i could get near enough with my phone to identify it.
#nature#moths#hummingbird moth#lepidoptera#insect#nature is soso crazy!!!#biology#i'm so in love with this little guy#i showed my parents and they were as dumbfounded as i was#one of my uni friends is a certified Bird Lover and turns out it's contagious.#my dad likes photography and got a camera years back that's actually still really good#and i've started to follow each and every bird that's in our yard (in a very rural area) to take pictures of them#which led me to be much much much more observant in general. so far this summer i've spotted more nests than ever in my entire life#and counted at least 10 species of birds that hang around#it's been so much fun
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you all know that audio from bladerunner? "you look lonely i can fix that"?? my brain wouldn't let me rest until i haven't drawn that with Sun n Moon
but jokes aside, really self-indulgent comic bc both Security Breach and Ruin came out when i was at a low point mentally and helped me greatly just be able to move forward and get through each day (and i won't even be getting into how much these 2 fictional robot jesters have helped me refind my passion for drawing)
i really hope that more people can relate to this :))
#anyways i mean it when i say my brain wouldn't rest until i whipped my pencil out n started drawing#tbh i stumbled upon the audio waaay back like 5-6 months ago??#but just now like literally just now i though#damn that REALLY fits Sun n Moon#i think it might be bc this semester was really stressful for me#and this last month has been hell#i was honestly drained physically and mentally#but i managed to go through each day and move forward#n just when my whole energy was running out n just when i had a couple of days left where i had to work more than my body could carry#right then Ruin came out and it was like;; really a breath of fresh air#my brain was suddenly thinking about the lore and theories and not anymore stressing abt projects and exams#while i still had to work Ruin gave me a push to be able to finish what i had to do#now i'm taking a small 2 week break where i'm gonna go easier with uni work and letting my body heal itself :))#but anyways enough rambling n everything#i really hope more of y'all can relate to this comic :))#now onto the tags#fnaf daycare attendant#fnaf superstar daycare#sundrop#moondrop#fnaf sun#fnaf moon#moondrop x y/n#sundrop x y/n#tw eye contact#doodles#traditional doodle#comic#Ghost doodles
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I'm not an extrovert. At all. In everyday life, I'm a yapper, sure, but I need someone to first assure me I am okay to yap, so I don't start conversations, even when I really want to join in sometimes! It's just the social anxiety acting up. God knows where from and why I lose a lot of my inhibitions when it comes to talking to people about music. I don't know where the confidence has suddenly sprung from. I've made a crazy amount of friends in musical circles, either just talking to people about common music or (since it is after all in music circles) talking to bands about their own music. I let out a sigh of relief any time an interaction goes well, because in truth it's going against my every instinct. I wish I could do that in everyday life
#like that's the point where we need to remind everyone around me that as much as I say#radio is 'a job'-- it's not 'my job' lol. I wish I was this interested in data science#but like. Honestly?? I'm not even a data scientist!? I answered a few questions about classical AI having come from a computer science back#background and now people are saying to me 'I know you're a data scientist and not a programmer' sir I am a computer scientist#what are you on about#and like I guess I get to google things and they're paying me so I'm not complaining but like I am not a data scientist#my biggest data scientist moment was when I asked 'do things in data science ever make sense???' and a bunch of data scientists went#'no :) Welcome to the club' ???????#why did I do a whole ass computer science degree then. Does anyone at all even want that anymore. Has everything in the realm of#computer science just been Solved. What of all the problems I learned and researched about. Which were cool. Are they just dead#Ugh the worst thing the AI hype has done rn is it has genuinely required everyone to pretend they're a data scientist#even MORE than before. I hate this#anyway; I wish I didn't hate it and I was curious and talked to many people in the field#like it's tragicomedy when every person I meet in music is like 'you've got to pursue this man you're a great interviewer blah blah blah'#and like I appreciate that this is coming from people who themselves have/are taking a chance on life#but. I kinda feel like my career does not exist anymore realistically so unless 1) commercial radio gets less shitty FAST#2) media companies that are laying off 50% of their staff miraculously stop or 3) Tom Power is suddenly feeling generous and wants#a completely unknown idiot to step into the biggest fucking culture show in the country (that I am in no way qualified for)#yeah there's very very little else. There's nothing else lol#Our country does not hype. They don't really care for who you are. f you make a decent connection with them musically they will come to you#Canada does not make heroes out of its talent. They will not be putting money into any of that. Greenlight in your dreams.#this is something I've been told (and seen) multiple times. We'll see it next week-- there are Olympic medallists returning to uni next wee#no one cares: the phrase is 'America makes celebrities out of their sportspeople'; we do not. Replace sportspeople with any public professi#Canada does not care for press about their musicians. The only reason NME sold here was because Anglophilia not because of music journalism#anyway; personal
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I officially got my bachelors degree!
#I just got my last paper graded and it’s the best grade I’ve received since starting uni#I was shaking but now I’m fine#all that work and all those years and tears#im the first person in my family tree to go to uni#without sounding arrogant I really am so proud of myself#my grandparents came to this country with nothing and look what they created#my parents always dreamed of this and I made it real for them#it’s just a bachelors degree but I am actually so proud of myself and my support network bc it really does take a village#why am I tearing up writing a tumblr post lol#anyway back to work bc this masters degree wont be delivered to me on a silver platter#lol#a
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something about being told im 'the leading person at this whole academy when it comes to interpretation and stage intelligence' by the husband of the woman im trying (not really. but i mean. who knows) to seduce... ok boy you got me. lets make it a polycule.
#im playing it all cool and funny now but atm i legit burst into tears lol#like he said i have a 'good voice too of course' but i know realistically that is not my strongest asset#and even if i were technically perfect. which im NOT lol. the voice itself is just nothing special. it's there ig but that's about it#but its nice to know i may not be 100% useless after all#(just 90%)#also apparently the most feared and respected professor who came to the concert said. again. that he likes me the most.#which again. crying real actual tears about this all rn this means literally the world to me this is everything i have#and i have no one to share this with because im not gonna say it to my uni friend cause i dont want her to feel like im boasting or sth#(even tho she has no such qualms herself but probably because i know how. not great. it feels when someone keeps talking about themselves#and about how great they are and how easy everything is for them. i dont wanna do it back at her.#well there's also the fact that i dont think im great and this is not fucking easy to me at all lol#but idk i think the difference between us is that she actually admitted she sees no point in singing if she cant show off (thus she hates#the duet we're singing because she sings the lower part and cant show off her high notes or coloratura.#which is like. an insane take to me. i mean it i get it. kinda. if i had a voice like hers maybe id be like that too fuck knows.#but that just feels so. idk. sad to me. so self obsessed and empty. like you dont care about the music itself? about you being a part of it?#also immediately made singing with her not fun anymore. i thought we were creating something TOGETHER. but thanks for the confirmation#that you only really care about being 'better than'. yikes.#like idk this behaviour is funny and iconic in old school opera legends like yes go bite each others dicks off.#but it hits completely different when it's your own colleague let alone your friend. like damn girl. damn)#) anyway. the husband is kinda hot too now that i think of it. i really should seduce them both.#except its realistically not possible since they've both seen me cry now (she saw it like a hundred times lol)#so ive lost the hot and mysterious card alas. no uni professors romance for me
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im so so tired jsjdhbj an engineering employers panel just scared me half to death with their startups and innovation and investment and passion commitment linkedin networking etc etc etc i hate it here
#i can't do it#this kind of thing is not meant for people like me#i came here and suffered through it to get myself some niche skills so that the kind of person i am doesn't matter#but i attend an employers panel and they're saying that they don't want your skills#they want you as a person#you need to be networking and making connections within the industry and building soft skills AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#i can't do this i'm genuinely too disabled#should have been a vet fr#i don't want to move to cambridge and work in startups until i decide to do a phd and go straight back to [current redacted uni] i canttt#need to get a job and then find something to live for but unfortunately for me#those two things are separate#yet i'm in the field of people who act like they're not#ksjhgdcksjd i don't understand why it can't be about the work#and why it has to be about me#times like this when i want someone to take charge of my life entirely. which is a really bad thing to want#but at the same time i can't deal with it alone#and that's what i am right now !!#tangent on this rant but my dad should theoretically be great to have around to help since he's also an engineer#should be great in general tbh. i have a dad isn't that cool#but he doesn't really love me#and hasn't for a long time#yet i am completely reliant on him#and if anything goes wrong - which it easily could in my current state - my mum can't support me#hgjvsfdtycu;ioakljshdgvfctjyulaisdkjchg that's enough of that sorry#what a shit day#started so nice and went down like a lead balloon
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Just submitted a new patient request to Anchor Health. Cross your fingers for me, so I can get set up w/a doc I can stick with who can handle my T and PCP stuff and maybe even mental health stuff? (their website let me mark all three as things I wanted them to provide care for at least)
and the poor local PP can get back to trying to help others without me taking up any more of their scarce resources and staff
#text post#tbh they might say no#i do fall under the qualifying thing of I came from a state that's not safe for trans folks anymore#but I did note on my form that I've been here abt a year since they needed an address and I didn't want the CT address to be confusing#my concern is bc i've been in the state a year already that will disqualify me#told them too that I've been working with pp but need to find full time care for these things and would like to switch to them#they take medicaid plus offer rides to the clinics and i think telehealth too?#so for whatever can't be done via telehealth I could get a ride to the nearest clinic and back again#which frees me from having to try and budget for lyfts or for poor Housemate to have to work aer schedule around me needing rides#which reminds me i neeeeed to get my bloodwork done#idk if i can manage it today bc the doc messaging thing already has my brain even Louder than before (but it deeply needed doing)#but this week if the uni finally shoots me my latest paycheck I think i'll just take a lyft and either go to a blood draw clinic or call pp#and ask to have them do it and apologise for it taking so long to get it done#bc I can tell they're judging me for it and like. they're not wrong to#i really do want to get it done it's just been hard to coordinate around other stuff and yeah. blood draws usually suck for me so also#it's hard to make myself go do it even when something important to me depends upon it#im rambling too much again time to dip back to survey sites and maybe researching dentists for the fall for me and Housemate
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I'VE FINALLY FINISHED BROTHERSHIP IT WAS SOOOOO GOOD!!!!!!!
#clai speaks#spoilers in the tags probably#ahhh first of all i am still astounded the game exists at all. we all thought m&l was done forever but here it is!!!#the timing of me playing superstar saga and getting really into mario last year couldnt have been better#i mean i probably would have played brothership still even if mario hadnt become a main interest of mine like that. but anyway#absolutely stellar re-entry into the series it did not disappoint in the SLIGHTEST#i think i 100%'d it? only thing i didnt do was finish that last dyode dance sequence but like its fiiiine#took about 50 hours i didnt get a chance to check my final time. really surprised that the game went that long!#i dont think it was a bad thing at all though. the game mostly didnt feel like it was overstaying its welcome#i did think lottacoins and the lower level solitree went a tad too long and i didnt like them but only a little. they're still fine sections#surprised that i didnt even feel like the sidequests were a drag they were all alright!#character interactions were so good ofc. love the new cast!! starlow felt a bit flat which is a shame but she also didnt appear much so#the sidequest where she visits bowser and he calls her chippy!!!! made me so happy!!!!!#all the callbacks were so good i'm glad they can still do that. yelled out loud after finding the peasley reef#docking points for no dreambert reef however. jail worthy offence#on reclusa specifically i dont have a lot to say about his character he's just your typical evil for the sake of evil villain#but i have to say i Love his design. the really exaggerated facial expressions and that clown neck frill. really fun character actually!!#ahhh call me childish but i'm never a fan of endings where friends separate but i like to think the second uni-tree--#--will allow them to link back up once its grown and can generate more connectar to do it#cant say if its my favorite yet bc recency bias is still too fresh but its absolutely my second favorite m&l game at least!!#i havent played paper jam yet i wanted to play the original paper mario and spm first. but i always hear its bad so??#brothership is at least on par with dream team for me rn. absolutely stellar game#i hope this means we'll get more m&l someday! i've already left a very positive response on the survey they put out#anyway. now to decide what to play next because i have a MASSIVE backlog of games and i didnt think this would take this long BJDHJFHF#10/10!!!! please play brothership immediately
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Ohoho, I love getting ready to leave the house for months at a time and hearing my parents talk about putting down our cats. Very enriching and not at all stressing me tf out.
#light's spot#hi irl moots I'm fine#just one of my scream into the void moments#because my mother seems to think all of her life troubles stem from our cats and not her own issues#like damn. the one's old sure but he's not anywhere near dead. the other is a perfect healthy young dude who lives outside#I'd rather her take her rage out on me than them because they rely on us. we're all the one knows. it's not his fault#I'm just so so so sick of hearing her talk about them like this#it's the third time in the past few weeks and I'm afraid because I'm leaving home to go back to uni soon and I have no say#just freaky as hell.#tw death#i guess incase anyone doesn't wanna see my mention of the topic#but damn it really downed my mood. feel sick af#gonna try and doodle the feelings away smh
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vent moment but my health is a bit worse than i let on, which is weird ik since it seems like complain about it all the time here, and apparently i also look sick, because two separate people in their 40s or 50s asked me, 24, if i needed their seat on the bus. kind of them. but humiliating nonetheless.
#medical stuff cw#i sat on the steps instead of taking their seat#vent cw#i have to take five different pills a day excluding birth control which i also take for health reasons but okay#i have to thank italy for its healthcare system because at least i dont have to pay a fuckton for all that stuff. except birthcontrol.#as i may have mentioned they found quite a bit of blood in my piss so im getting tested for ✨️cancer✨️#also because i've been having health issues which might be rated#my blood work is all off but i didnt get tested for tumoral cells specifically because i may have 'just' an autoimmune condition#so im on heavy duty antibiotics too now bc i also developed antibiotic resistance last year. anyway.#i need to take those and then they'll test my peepee again but this time they will also test explicitly for tumoral cells#because something is off and my previous blood work didnt point out what exactly#terrible anemia and other slightly-off numbers that however shouldnt be off considering my lifestyle#i eat almost everything. drink plenty of water. exercise. barely smoke. not even drinking anymore. i'm not too fat nor too skinny.#so. some of the numbers that are off dont really have a reason to be off which is why they are testing my blood and piss for cancer#but like. in 3 weeks because i have to take antibiotics and iron meds (not supplements. meds.) first#so my mind's trying to convince itself that i dont have a tumor. but what if i do? i know i dont. but not knowing makes me go insane#also i have to get tested for heart disease because that motherfucker is not working properly. doesnt pump enough blood to my brain.#i took an ekg and it came back pretty normal except for tachycardia#now i have to go get an holter ekg - but was told to wait until uni starts again bc i need that exam to be done when i have a daily routine#so basically they slap electrodes and shit on me for 24 hrs while i go do my shit around the city and then see how my heart behaved#because i cant stand without struggling to breathe and sometimes it happens when in laying down to.#sometimes i cant fall asleep because i cant breathe#at first the doc thought it might be a reflux issue but not. all good on that front.#so. we'll see. and i mean. i KNOW it's not cancer. like. i'd be dead by now bc i've been having these symptoms for five months#however. i dont know if it's not an autoimmune disease. and if it is? what am i gonna do?
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screenshot redraw!!:
#genshin impact#fanart#genshin fanart#Klee#klee fanart#Shes sososo cute#ravidraws#I redrew this over a screenshot bc summer sucked all the motivation out of me#This was really fun tho#now it's time for my usual diary entries sorry about that lol#back when school was taking all of my time I hoped I could finally work on some projects in the summer#Now I have time but no motivation#Well I technically have no time either bc I have only a week left to choose something to study and a uni to do it#And to somehow pass an entrance exam I haven't prepared for#and all I'm doing is trying not to think about it#I've been hiding behind thai dramas Omori's let's plays and Momo's fancams on yt while everything around me is on fire for over a week now
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