#really needed to rant today so feel free to scroll on

[borderlinemediocre]

TW for… everything

Those visceral body reactions to flashbacks and triggers, the dead inside feeling when you think about the extreme abuse and neglect you suffered, the weight of healing yourself because no one before you could be bothered to heal themselves. I’m exhausted and fucking pissed off.

Growing up we were shamed out of calling anything “mine”, including body parts. For example I couldn’t say “my arm”, I had to say “the arm.” I couldn’t wear a neckline below my collarbone, or wear shorts. When I was a toddler my mother would call me a slut because of what my father would do to me. She would call me disgusting and say I should marry him. He would say I was perfect and no boy would ever be good enough for me while sleeping naked in the same bed with me. He would tell me to sleep without underwear. He would beat the shit out of my brother and burn him with cigarettes. My mother would smoke around us as punishment because we both had asthma and it would give us asthma attacks. We were homeless and slept in abandoned houses or at shelters. I got lead poisoning. If we’d cry they’d lock us in a room and drive away. My father made me watch horror movies from a young age because it was “funny” that I was so scared.

My mother would rock herself to sleep every night and once when I was 7 I asked why. She said her older sister used to be raped by her dad every night, and rocking back and forth is how she could comfort herself to sleep. I assume she did the same when it was happening to me.

My father got arrested multiple times for domestic violence. I remember once, one of the cops found me cowering in a corner and went out to his car to get me a stuffed animal to comfort me while my father was screaming and resisting arrest in the basement. The next day some different cops came to confiscate the guns my father had.

But they pulled it together every time CPS investigated. Our parents told us not to say a word to anyone about what our life was like. They’d clean whatever space we were living in and put us in nice clothes. They’d stop drinking for the day. One of the days, though, after CPS left and determined everything was fine, my father had a grand mal seizure from not drinking for 12 hours. My mother attempted suicide three times in front of us. When I was in my early teens and was physically assaulted at a concert and was at the hospital while they checked for internal bleeding, I called my father and told him what happened. He laughed and said “cool.”

In college I was the only one working, and I worked every hour I could so we could eat and I could afford gas for my old, broken down car, and books for school. I applied to every scholarship I could find and took out as many loans as the government would let me so I could finish school. I was so brainwashed that I felt the need to support them, like they deserved to be taken care of. And it was all my responsibility.

My father’s father raped his daughter (my aunt) because she came out as a lesbian and he told her she’s not gay, she just wants to be with him. My lineage is full of and tainted with this trauma and abuse and it’s all gone unchecked, ignored, hidden. Until me.

I go to twice weekly psychotherapy, have meds that help, a much needed support system, a chosen family who loves me and who I love more than I can put into words. But this shit is so fucking hard. I made it out, got a degree, make good money, bought my own house. And this shit is still so fucking hard I can barely hold it together sometimes. Everything is a fucking trigger. Everything feels dangerous, and I still never feel clean. My husband has to come to the bathroom with me as a support because it’s scary to be in my own bathroom. I was misdiagnosed with OCD because of what my coping mechanisms look like. I have an ACE score of 10. I’m just. Fucking tired. I want to move on, focus on my life and how great it is now.

But what I need to do is tell my story to family and friends, and stop covering for my abusers. They deserve to be seen for what they are. Telling the truth is cathartic, but also fucking sucks and is draining and painful. It’s a long process and not fucking fair.

[the1975attheirverybest]

Malaysia, July 21st, 2023

DISCLAIMER: Here is the requested piece in support of the boys' decision today. I decided it needed to be a one shot cuz I couldn't do it justice in just a few words. I've based the conversations in this piece on similar things Matty has said about gender. GENDER AND SEXUALITY ARE NOT THE SAME THING, THOUGH. So, if any of it comes off in bad faith, erroneous, or in any way harmful, its not my intention to do so, and PLEASE feel free to let me know INSTANTLY!

Warning: nothing. but idk how i feel about the writing quality given that it was written on the spot. I mean, I'm not necessarily aiming for ART here. just an appreciation for today and a gesture of support to LGBTQ+ Fans everywhere.

----

She could feel her phone buzzing in her pocket all throughout her 3 pm meeting. It was distracting, but not necessarily out of the ordinary. With time zone differences, it wasn't unusual for Matty to be texting her while she was at work, asleep in the middle of the night, or early in the morning before her coffee. Even when she'd finally wrapped up her meeting and left the conference room, the messages on screen weren't cause for concern. Receiving texts from her friends and colleagues like "omg your boyfriend," "Matty sure loves the drama, lol." and "PUT A LEASH ON HIM HES INSANE" just came with the territory of being Matty's partner. She didn't mind it at all. In fact, sometimes she found it funny.

She scrolled past several texts from her friends, spotting Denise's name "two countries now. Bets on which one's next?' with several confusing emojis. she frowned, her heart sinking slightly. Was this more serious than a regular Matty rant? a fan kiss? a polarizing meme? with apprehension, she reluctantly checked the news, whispering "oh fuck," under her breath when she saw the headlines.

She tossed her laptop and meeting notes at her desk, rushing outside as quickly as possible, and scrolling through her call log to find Matty's number. She clicked the elevator button, willing it to arrive faster by repeating "c'mon, c'mon, c'mon." knowing that it wouldn't help, she still gave into the urge to click the button repeatedly and curse when the elevator failed to bend to her will. Finally, she decided to just take the fire exit, using the stairs instead.

She clicked Matty's name on her screen as she made it down the stairs, bringing the phone to her ears.

An overly cheerful female robotic voice announced in her ear that "The number you have dialed is disconnected."

"fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuckkkk!"

she paused in the middle of the staircase, leaning against the wall and attempting to calm her mind with several deep breaths. She knew the only person who could help her right now would be Denise.

***

"No, I get that, but- like- so, you haven't heard from him directly?" she bit her lower lip.

"Not yet, no. But I wouldn't worry about it, love. this isn't his first foreign government ban, you know." Denise giggled, sounding as proud as a mother of a child who just learned to take their first steps. "doesn't that sound impressive? He's like a less secretive James Bond."

Impressive wasn't exactly her first thought, but she knew that if Matty is safe right now, he's probably impressed with himself. The thought made her crack a smile. "Knowing Matty, he'd probably say that he'd love to be a super secret spy who gets pussy, but he's anti government espionage, so he can't be James Bond."

***

All she could really do in the moment was send a barrage of messages that covered the entire spectrum of human emotions: from expressing concern for Matty's safety, to accusing him of messing with her heart, to begging him to give her a sign that he's alright, she found herself unable to think about anything else for the rest of the afternoon.

Just as she'd walked through the door of their shared home, she nearly jumped out of her skin at the feeling of her phone vibrating in her hand.

Matty: Call rn? ❤️

She instantly hit the "Video Call" icon on her FaceTime screen.

The line rang once, twice, and then "yo!!" Matty attempted to greet her before being interrupted by someone off-screen. She could faintly tell that it was Ross. "No, no. I'm just on FaceTime with her- yeah- it's fine....sorry, Darlin.' I'm just-"

"Next time you plan a government rebellion give me a courtesy warning in advance, will you??" she interrupted him. All the feelings and worries she'd been attempting to repress came pouring out of her. "I had no idea where you were for, like, all day. And- why was your phone turned off, anyway! We have a deal. You promised-"

"oi! it wasn't off! Breathe, baby. It wasn't off. Just...no reception at the venue, and then at the airport. Breathe! I love you, yeah? I'm fine. Look. Look at me, I'm fine. I promise.' He flashed her that boyish smile of his and cut through the haze of spiraling thoughts in her mind. Finally, she looked directly into his eyes on screen, smiling at him.

"Hi! There she is." He giggled.

"So, where are you now? is everyone with you? are you all safe?"

"Airport. Yeah, we're all good. They've just got us in some room while they process some documents or some shit. I don't know. I don't care." She watched him walk over to the other side of the room and take a seat on an uncomfortable leather couch.

"Is everyone else with you as well? Ross okay? the band? Polly and Gabi?"

Matty smiled at her insistent questioning. "We're all here. let's do a head count, shall we?" He hit the "Flip Camera" button so she was no longer seeing him, but had a view of the rest of the room. "Here's George, sleepy as always. John's playin' a game on his phone. Say 'hi' John...over here we have Hann. right next to the trash, where he belongs....Here's Ross. Jamie's here I promise, he's just looking for a toilet. Say 'hello' to Polly, who's on the hunt for granola or some hippie shit." Matty giggled when Polly brushed the hair out of her eyesight to give him a look. "And last but by no means least" He cover the camera lens for a dramatic reveal, "it's Gabi! see? everyone's here and we're all okay. Happy?" He turned the camera back to him, returning to his spot on the couch.

"...for the time being." She couldn't help but break character and laugh when she saw him roll his eyes. "Seriously, though, I'm proud of you.'

"but?"

"there's no but!' She rebutted a bit too eagerly.

"I know you. There's a 'but.' Let me hear it. Go on."

"I had just wondered if....maybe it would've been safer for everyone if you guys just pulled out....you know?"

"Pulled out of the lineup, you mean? like just not done the show?" Matty's demeanor shifted. He straightened his posture, taking a deep breath and running a hand through his hair.

"Yeah, you could've returned the money. Made some kind of....statement about how, after learning of the governments laws, you found it morally repugnant, and refuse to perform there. Safer for you guys, the fans, and less costly."

Matty always respected and valued her opinion, but he was also always honest with her. "I suppose it would- I suppose it would've been but thats not the point." He could feel his bandmates eyes shift towards him. They were all invested in the conversation now. "Because then they'd have just replaced us. Found another artist to perform that slot and our so-called 'stance' wouldn't have done anything. Maybe lasted 5 seconds online, and then everyone would have moved on. The point here wasn't to morally congratulate ourselves or make ourselves feel good. It's about actually doing something. sometimes discomfort is necessary."

She could do nothing but smile, in awe of him. Their relationship meant a lot to both of them, but one of her favorite things about it was that she never had a chance to forget why she fell in love with Matty in the first place. "That's why I'm proud of you." she simply stated.

"well don't be."

"Matty, stop that. I kn-"

"No because I'm not ACTUALLY gay. I'm not ACTUALLY Malaysian. Okay? I get to make out with my mate, make a little speech, and then jet set, off to some other country by the time that everyone's made him home from the show. And- sure, I'll get banned, but my job and my life is entirely unaffected. I'll go on doing what I do, it's no skin off my back. Why be proud of ME? hmmm? there are people, activists, all over the world, who ARE gay, ARE outcasts, ARE fighting for their rights. How about we pay attention to them instead? you know what I mean?"

George got up from his seat to retrieve a water bottle from one of the bags, patting Matty on the shoulder and mumbling "exactly." as he passed by.

"why'd you do it then?" she asked, genuinely curious.

"Well, I'm everyone's favorite villain at the moment. Lots of eyes on me. Figured I'd make it mean something."

"all things considered, you happy?"

She saw a smile flash across his face as he considered her question. "Yeah," he nodded slowly as he made up his mind 'Yeah, I checked online and....seems like fans made it out okay, so...yeah, I'm happy." He looked into her eyes through the camera. "I do miss you, though."

"I miss you, too. Oh, speaking of which! Put Ross on the phone, would you?"

Matty smiled knowingly and handed the phone over to Ross. "You deal with this one. I'm out."

Ross's face lit up, ready for the challenge. 'Hey, mate!"

"Ross, I want you to know; message received. Loud and clear. You make out with MY boyfriend? In front of the whole world? AND you do it for a good cause? I see you, mate. I get it. This ain't over, though. I'll be the better kisser in the end."

[treblenoe]

Long rant about the stigma surrounding furries. Feel free to scroll.

I was out with friends (tbh I'm not really sure that we are but anyways) today when one mentioned that there was a furry con in our town earlier that with a certain amount of dislike in their voice. I got excited because it sounded like fun and both just gasped and acted shocked. I told them I would gladly get a fursuit if I had the money and that it's not sexual to have a fursona or want a fursuit. This was such a big deal that they put a quote of me saying that in the group chat for everyone to see. Because surely being a furry is that crazy that everyone must know.

I let it go while we were out, but I just can't get it out of my head. It's 2024. Why are we still hating on furries?? A person just out and about with a tail or in a fursuit is not in any way hurting you, and they're just expressing themselves. It's not in any way sexual, and even if it is, so what?? It's not publicly indecent. They're not forcing anything onto you. It's incredible that that person feels comfortable and confident enough to express themselves.

And let's not forget that lots of furries are queer, neurodivergent, or both! Making fun of odd behaviors feels eerily similar to me as an autistic person. That being said, furries don't need to justify their existence or behaviors. They're just living their life, and it's 2024. Get over yourself.

I just needed to get this off my chest. I don't even know if I would be considered a furry, but this furry hate drives me insane.

[astrophileous]

Important! Please read!

I'm tagging the people who are on the Love Bugs taglist, so if you don't feel like reading through all of this that's fine!

Tag(s): @camilaheroine @crazyunsexycool @whateverrrrrrrrs @wifeyofeveryone @louderfortheback @marvelousgoldroses

Hello everyone, first of all I wanna start by saying I'm sorry for having seemingly disappeared for the past week. I know that I was supposed to be uploading two new parts of Love Bugs on Monday and Thursday, and I've missed both days so far without so much as an explanation. The truth is, I've been logging in and out for days trying to come up with a justified excuse for this delay, but I decided today that I will just tell you the truth of what's really happening.

I'm not doing very good at the moment.

I know this seems like a pathetic excuse, but it's the truth. As some of you know, I'm a full time college student and I've been slammed with school work for the past week. I'm tired all the time. Whenever I have even a little bit of free time, I use it to sleep. Life is just so hectic for me right now that writing Love Bugs has been kinda put in the back burner.

But that's not all the reason why I've been MIA.

A few days ago, someone left me an anonymous ask telling me that I've done a terrible job on the last few parts of Love Bugs.

Now, at first, I was gonna be the bigger person and ignore them altogether. But apparently that one little comment did more damage than I ever thought it could. For the past week, every time I went to revise my drafts for Love Bugs, all I could think about was how badly I needed them to be done perfectly to make sure no one else was gonna have this same thought about the upcoming parts. I kept thinking that what I wrote was lacking something. That it wasn't good enough to be published yet. And as a drastic measure, I ended up uploading nothing at all.

I know it seems silly to be this badly affected by one rude comment when I've gotten nothing but love from everyone else. But I guess this is your daily reminder that words do hurt, and even if they are written on the internet, it doesn't make them hurt less because behind all of these makeshift profiles and avatars are real people with real feelings and emotions.

Today, I finally braced myself to make this post. I thought it was unfair for all of you to not be offered at least an explanation about what's happening. If you're wondering when I will finally upload the next chapter of Love Bugs, then I'm sorry to tell you that I don't know yet. I have one completed part, but as I've explained above, I just keep going back to revise it again and again because I'm just not satisfied with it.

So, there you go. The reason behind my absence. I want to remind all of you too while we're here to please, please, please be kind to all of the fic writers and/or other content creators in your fandom. We're all doing all of this free of charge. So please, if you don't like something we make, scroll past it. Don't be mean. We don't owe you anything. Don't ruin something that's supposed to be fun just because you don't find it as enjoyable as others might.

This is all I'm gonna say for now. Hopefully, I will have gotten my shit together by the time next upload schedule rolls around so that you guys could have the next part of Love Bugs on Monday.

Thank you for reading all the way through of this long-ass rant. Have a great day xx

[loki-who-remains]

This is a fandom rant, so feel free to scroll past. Disclaimer: I am not antianything, and that’s probably why I struggle so much

I have forgotten why I left Loki fandom once and how impossibly toxic it’s been last time

There’s a bunch of people who hate Sylvie and her pairing with Loki, who somehow think that selfcest and incest are similar things. And another bunch who hate Mobius and him pairing with Loki. And yet another bunch who doesn’t like the series version of Loki and desperately wants him to get back to Asgard and ‘back to his character’

And then there’s me. I love both Sylvie and Mobius, and I ship Loki with them both. And also with Thor, and with Sif. And I liked him in comic books, in all the movies except for Avengers (despite this movie being the one that introduced Hiddleston to me) and I can’t begin to explain how happy I am that Loki got his own series and we get to see his complexity shine with all it’s facets and edges.

I was and still am very hyped for the new season and I really wished (very naively) that I’d get to do that with fellow fans like me. But all I do today is dodge antisylki and antimobius posts cause not all of them are properly tagged, and it’s just exhausting and isn’t worth my time. I don’t know how many more tags and accounts I need to block to stabilise my feed.

Makes one think that even love for the same thing brings people to hating each other for not loving the thing properly, only by their design.

[pepsiboyy]

i'm gonna go on a little rant related to some stuff at my work that happened today relating to my stalker, feel free to scroll i just need to get this out somewhere

i find it incredibly bizarre that the moment i reported to management about this, they told the guy stalking me that he is NOT ALLOWED NEAR MY DEPARTMENT. AT ALL, no exceptions. (i work at the front, so sometimes there are times where he MUST and i have been letting that slide). one case is loading tvs. they told him not to load tvs because there are others who can do that. he has continued to load tvs. i let it slide because whatever, maybe they were behind and really needed someone to. but today, when he had three other people who i am perfectly okay with (i have no issues with anybody else in the workplace), he made his way all the way to where i work, multiple times, and just fucked around. he looked at drinks with one of the reps, he went through bins and didn't even take anything back to his department. like he could have easily sent somebody else to do these things because of the rules that were set. but he hasn't.

a large part of me wants to ask my manager like. hey dude. what gives? but part of me feels like i come off as too sensitive or asking of too much. i just feel like when boundaries are set, they should still be standing. but as the weeks go by, each one has fallen one by one and it has gotten to a point where he is in my department again just to keep his eyes on me.

i told my friend earlier today about this, and she said "i feel like he is only doing it to get to you and push your buttons" which i completely understand, and i have not interacted with him at all and i have simply ignored him. it's just hard to get over everything when i see him every single day at work, and he constantly tries to pull shit to be near me. i have tried to let it go, but it's hard knowing that he is constantly keeping an eye on where i am. even outside of work. it's hard.

every single night he goes to the local coffee/drink hangout place that I GO TO at the same times that I GO with my friends. he goes alone. every single night. and keeps an eye out. i have noticed this because i drive past it every single night when going home from work (most nights he gets off 45 minutes before me). there is a location closer to him, same with gas stations and grocery stores and even fast food places. but he always goes to the ones by where i live. even though he lives further away by about ten to fifteen minutes.

i have blocked him on all social media but he has found a way onto the new tiktok i made for the band i'm in. he did not view the videos, but he viewed the account. which i only posted about on pages that i have blocked him on. so he didn't just get our video on his fyp, he quite literally clicked onto our page or searched it up. wtf

i'm just sick of it. i was getting over it but the more i think about it, the worse it gets. i'm tired of keeping an eye out everywhere i go. i just want to leave my house without feeling like i'm being watched. it's unfortunate. but i don't really know what to do at my work without coming off as annoying or sensitive.

[nsk96]

So, everyone, I'll be away for a while. Just thought I'd let you all know before someone thinks I've disappeared hehe :3

The upperclassmen and a professor at my school has warned our class that this semester is going to be extremely difficult. After the brutal exam I had today, I realize that I will have to drastically cut back on my social media use, almost like going on hiatus.

What happened, was that yesterday was a critical period where I was supposed to study the majority of the material for today's exam and instead, I spent most of the day glued to social media (and getting snacks🤡). I took a step back and wondered why on some days it's so easy for me to spend less than 5 minutes on social media, while most days it's impossible to pull away. I noticed it's because when I'm stressed and/or depressed, I get sucked into the endless scrolling. Like, it just feeds on that shit.

Since this semester is going to be nothing but a stressful and depressing mess for me, I will have to stay away as much as I can. That means no scrolling through Tumblr, Reddit, nor Instagram. I'll still visit to finish up my fan fic, Spicy Water, and try to clear out my drafts. I still got 931 left 💀. There are some of you whose fan fics (and fan fic suggestions) I have yet to read, and I intend on doing that during this period since reading is one way to maintain my sanity in the absence of social media.

But just know that I love and appreciate you all and you will be on my mind during this period. Feel free to message me any time, though my response time may be a little slow. You’re always welcome in my inbox (I’m also on Discord if you prefer: nsk#9480). Stay safe, stay hydrated, stay awesome 💙💙💙 @uncontrol-freak @kg-clark-inthedark @starsharks @rottenheartedchild @rurifangirl @a-chaotic-dumbass @anonymousgeekhere @deephumanoidduckdonut @spoopy-fish-writes @kikicocobell @koisheep and anyone I may be forgetting at the moment😭

As many of you already know, there's a lot going on in my life (personal rant. Skip this next part. I got too carried away but don't feel like deleting anything right now):

A cluttered home (because moving into a smaller home where my bedroom storage is cut in half and I now have to store things in my room that I'm not supposed to store in my room, but have to because my mom and I fear they'll be tampered with)

Living in a constant state of paranoia and fear with a narcissistic dad

Living with a mom who always has to remind me of things I don't want to be reminded of at the most inconvenient times (past issues, new issues, constant issues, and some things just too TMI that got me thinking like, "yeah, I didn't need to hear that before breakfast. Thanks. Now I've started my day on a depressing/or mildly disgusted note")

My mom's health not doing so great

My own health not doing so great (both mental and physical)

Falling behind on class lectures

Those two girls on my team who love to cause trouble for me on group projects

Overload of homework

Pharmacy rotation that takes up a whole day out of my week and drains the life out of me

Wanting to write fan fictions and my novels but not having the time or health to...so now it feels like my soul is dying. I don't know how else to describe it. When I can't write or even daydream the stories I want to write, I feel like I'm withering away.

And to be honest, the debilitating loneliness I feel. Wanting to love and be loved (romantically) and not having the time nor mental health to handle it. And the guy I'm interested in, seems so far away. Like, I want to get to know him better but he's on my team and it's all 'business' and he probably wants nothing to do with me after our team mentor had to call a meeting about our team's toxic dynamics (the meeting was called because me and another girl told our mentor about the toxic crap those two girls were doing). He seemed irritated and after the meeting didn't really talk to me directly much. Maybe I'm overthinking it. That's a big problem with me: I don't talk enough to people, I just stand there and think too much. And just...none of the guys I'm interested in ever seem interested in me. After my last breakup, it feels like the magic of finding out that your crush has a crush on you too, ended for me in 2019. Then there was this one guy my school friend introduced me to. He literally looked me up and down with a scowl or something. I don't know if it was the way I was dressed or what (I know some people hate anything that even remotely resembles khaki pants). Or it could be that I was taller than him (considering that I'm now finding out that a lot of guys are uncomfortable with their height😥). To put it into context, I'm 5'3" (160cm). I want to think it's my overall appearance but my appearance hasn't changed much in the past few years. Let me not get too much into that before my people-pleasing tendencies resurface.

Honestly, there’s just a lot of negative feelings and thoughts coming to my mind. I wish I could live on my own just for a little while until I have myself figured out. Unfortunately I can’t afford it. Balancing a job and pharmacy school isn’t doable for me because I need all the study time I can get. Just want to grow as a person but I feel so stifled living with my parents. I can’t even be out past 7pm apparently? My mom freaks out and wants to call the cops if I don’t reply to her texts within like 10 minutes. Considering her background and the crazy shit happening in the U.S., I understand but geez, give me some breathing room. I don’t know what changed…it wasn’t this bad when I was in undergrad. It was bad just not this bad. And this from the lady telling me I need to start thinking about dating and look around. How am I supposed to go out with a guy if you expect me to text you every 30 minutes now??? I was out with a female friend last weekend and my mom was freaking out so much. Texting, calling, and she even drove up to where we were when I didn’t answer her call. I don’t know what to do. My first step right now would be to get in contact with a therapist and look for apartments so that I can make a plan. Then look into financial resources. Hopefully I can do all that without my dad finding out. I feel like if I can get us away from him, she’ll feel so much better.

[calalac]

Alright alright a couple of short(?) rants because my brain is kinda sad today, feel free to scroll on by

I have zero motivation to do my job because the task I've been given to do to fill in the gaps when there isn't enough of my actual job to do (which is about 90-95% of the time) has no real deadline so there's not really any reason for me to care about doing it, which means I basically spend the whole workday scrolling on my phone or dissociating (side note some people when I tell them about this are like Wow! I'd Love To Be Able To Do What I Want All Day And Still Get Paid and... trust me yeah it sounds great in theory but in practice it is absolutely mind numbing)

I'm lonely most of the time because I work remotely so I have so little human interaction during the day other than through my phone

I'm also lonely because I moved to this city about two months ago and although I'm gradually making some friends, so far I don't have any who I feel really comfortable just messaging out of the blue to be like hey let's hang out! or whatever so instead I'm in a cycle of "I'll just wait for them to message me first" - I also think I'm probably coming on too strong, which I always do when I meet someone new that I like spending time with

I haven't been able to settle into a comfortable routine yet where I'm actually doing my hobbies regularly, I've barely touched a book or a video game or my piano or anything crafty or writing-y since moving here. I think it's adjusting to living with my boyfriend and we still need to find the balance between spending time doing stuff together and apart, but so far (and this is entirely on me and my bad habits from past dysfunctional relationships, nothing to do with him, he is great and tries to encourage me to do my hobbies) whenever he gets home from work I just do what he wants to do (so like, make food, watch TV, go to bed)

to go back to the first point, my job is extremely dull and unsatisfying but it pays so much better than anything I've done before so I know I really shouldn't complain given the cost of living etc etc but I want to do something more fulfilling, something that actually makes me feel good and means something??? but I don't know where I'd begin to look because 95% of translation jobs out there are severely underpaid (barely over graduate wage) and I'm...... not really qualified to do much else

My dad has cancer for the third time in two years and I've immediately compartmentalised it like I always do so I Do Not Know how to feel about it

I haven't had the motivation to properly finish putting some things away/putting decorations up in our house which is slightly frustrating for me but also I know my boyfriend finds it more annoying than I do but isn't saying anything because he knows my brain is a mess and doesn't want to come across as bossy

I can't really connect to any of these emotions to analyse them properly because my head is filled with sand and static

(if you made it this far, here you can have this > 🎁)

[keefwho]

March 09 - 2024 Saturday

11:48pm

2/10

This morning I took a bit before taking my shower. I just didn't feel like doing it so early, I think I was peeking at the Bumble BFF app for a bit and then I finished my profile while in the shower. When I got out, I made eggs, spam, and oatmeal for breakfast with some applesauce. I was perusing Bumble while I cooked and ate, seeing a BUNCH of the same kinda of people. Same interests I mean, very basic stuff and almost all Christian/conservative. It really feels like these people are churned out of a factory. So no luck with Bumble but I didn't really put much stake in it to begin with. I knew if I didn't stop that I would just be scrolling all day so I dawdled for a little bit before trying to find some company in VRchat. Everyone was busy today. In VR I found a couple of sort of chill people but they left to play chess. Then I was stuck with this guy who recognized the marsminer name in my bio and of course he was very weird. I stayed longer than I wanted to, mostly just being silent and answering whatever silly question he had next. When I got off, I took some 'me time' before lunch. Lunch was tuna spaghetti because I was feeling sort of lazy/sad. After eating I kinda got stuck in my own head awhile. Eventually I saw David was playing Helldivers in his server so I decided to join just to shift my attention elsewhere. It barely worked, I still felt like shit but the important part is that I wasn't alone. I tried not to make the call about my problems deliberately. Halfway through Helldivers, Daisy was free to call on her drive home so we did that. At this point my chest was tight and I felt on the verge of a panic attack until she got home and was in bed. I don't know why, maybe everything was just building up inside me. In bed I hadn't wanted to but I did maybe a 5-10 minute rant about how awful today was and how I don't know what I'm doing in general. It seemed to not be the night for this really and I wish I had handled my emotions better today. I let her go to sleep and then I had a long, 2 hour call with Jared. We talked about so much and as usual he had some pretty good advice to go along with the solid plan I already had. After that I scarfed down my cold dinner and got ready for bed.

~~~

Today fell apart so badly because I literally had no one to talk to today. Maybe I should have just tried texting at least. I can't always rely on people to pull me through the day but today I did just need someone for at least a little bit, just to hang out with. Today I made the painful realization how much I've been strangling reassurance out of people as a way to test them and set my mind at ease. But it's unhealthy and manipulative. I only hope I haven't done too much damage already, I intend to stop this going forward now that it really hit me. Tomorrow I'm gonna come up with some plans I can follow when I get in certain headspaces so I can do something more helpful and healthy. The thing I want first and foremost right now is to be a good friend, and that means I have to make important decisions. One of those is to really appraise what it is I'm actually doing to my friends. And also taking care of myself properly so I have the capability to do good. I am driven so strongly to improve and do good in the world.

3 things that made me happy today:

Daisy calling me on her way home.

Chatting with Bramble about my behavior.

Talking to Jared about our feelings.

[vamp-kiss]

so

kinda long rant about my feelings? please feel free to just scroll

i might need some kind of advice tho-

so. there's this guy. rin, kou, sourin, souchi, koucito, kouchi, rinin, rincito... i've been calling him with lots of names while the years passed.

this feb 14 were two exact years we became friends- obviously long distance friendship, he's from panamá and i'm from argentina.

rin actually means a lot to me. i consider him my best friend, but i actually doubt he considers me the same. i am quite certain i'm just a friend to him.

and i don't care, really. well, i do, but i just put it under the rug and ignore how i feel.

maybe i'm idealizating him, because, to me, he's means a lot. one of the friendships i treasure the most. we write together, draw together, listen to music and play together. we have matching mitsukou icons on pinterest even.

to me he's wonderful. friendly, funny, caring, he's always there for me. i am afraid i can't always be there for him, i tend to isolate myself and that's what i've been doing the most since my grandpa passed away last month.

and, still, i've noticing some things about myself the days we talk (everyday now, he always greets me with good morning messages), or when i'm doing doodles to gift him.

maybe i feel something else. little different.

he's practicing italian, chinese and english at the same time. sometimes he tells me cute stuff on chinese, like "te quiero" or stuff liie that- and when it happens, i lose it. i can't stop smiling and i just think about it for days.

maybe it's because i'm still broken. about everything, from childhood trauma, for when i discovered i was trans, for the insanely grotresque intrusive-suicidal thoughts i have to bear with everyday. maybe that's why i want his validation.

maybe that's why i react at the most minimal display of love. maybe i wanna feel loved. maybe i just wanna love him-

- because i know perfectly how hard it was for him to move away from heartbreaks. i know what it's for him to be use.

today i messaged him, about the moon. and how beautiful it was; how beautiful it was for the both of us to live and sleep under the same moon; despite how away we are from each other and our time difference.

i told him "rajeijú". it means lots of things in guaraní, from "this is the deepest declaration of love and/or affection", to just biys being friends..

i fantasize about him. i daydreamed about us being boyfriends. to have more matching icons or wallpapers, to him telling me he loves me. i can just imagine all that, as it would never be real.

there's really nothing i could do.

[vikings-til-valhalla]

Hey, another random follower here I can't help with the situation at hand, it's horrible and taxing and i really hope things will be okay, besides possibly giving you some affirmation, however valuable a strangers affirmation can be. You're doing literally everything you can to help your loved ones and they're lucky to have you close. You've called the police for your friend and you've learned about your sister, your mom is safe (as far as I understand). I know those days or weeks where you can't shower and take care of yourself and THEN you get shit piled on you on top of that, and you're hella damn strong to keep going as you are. You can find a new job tomorrow, or the day after, when everything (hopefully) has calmed down just a bit. Is there a way to maybe have your sister stay at your place a bit? Helping with your mother might do good for both of you, giving her a bit of distraction and yourself a moment to rest. (and you would know she's alright) I'm wishing you best of luck, calling the police is scary and shit, but the right call in a situation like this. Saved one of my friends lives, too. Things have likely happened by now, and I don't know the outcome, but I hope he's alright. Things will be fine again. Somehow, they have to be. Can you drink a glass of water, please? (I don't mean this in a condescending way, just in case you haven't been drinking much today bc of everything that happened) You got your cat to take care of, and Elder Scrolls 6 has been announced (whenever we will get new news on it) There's always more things to look forwards to, no matter how horrible the situation. If you need someone to talk to, rant to, tell someone about your favorite Skyrim build and how broken it is or something of the like, feel free to write me whenever. Lots of love

Thank you, friend. Thank you more than what I can put into words right now.

Today is no better than yesterday. In fact, it's worse. I'm being forced to care for others at a time when I can't even care for myself. Everyone in my house is leaving to care for themselves, or isn't responding because they're too busy with themselves, and won't help me out at all. Every single second I spend not caring for someone else is time I'm spending being selfish and doing things wrong. My father, the shitass fuck he is who abuses me, he accused me of ignoring my mom in favor of my friend whose life was on the line. Mom has others who can help, they can come home and care for her, she isn't going to die. My friend though?? I'm not sure if he's even alive right now. And when I went to take a shower, I was needed to care for mom because I had to get mom some supplies, and sis was probably high again and couldn't do it herself. When I got back I tried to shower again, and sis said she was going out for an hour so I couldn't. THEN!!!! I got another text from sis!!!! She had to go to an appointment and guess who was left to watch mom???!!!! Mom finally said to take a shower, so I did. I've got pants on. I don't have anything else to wear because I have no chance or energy to do laundry today. My brothers are not answering anyone as they never pick up their phones for the house, but rather just for friends. I'm so stretched thin and all I can do is hold out hope that therapy does something for me tomorrow when I have my scheduled appointment. And, that I can pay for the appointment at all for that matter. A friend came back to town and said I can stay with her if I need, but I know that, if I do, my father will spam me with angry and guilting phone calls and texts, then sis will as well because they're one in the same, until I come home. And if sis finds out I was fired because of her, she'll lose it. If father finds out, he'll cut off all my outside contact on all my devices and I'll be helpless with no way to get help, until I land another job. And I'll never stop hearing him tell me it's my fault I lost my job, even though it isn't. I'm tired... So tired... But nobody will let me sleep. Not even for a few minutes. And if they do allow me by some chance, then somebody else is suddenly in danger and I have to stay up to help them. When it's not one it's the other, when it's not this it's that. There is no winning. And I am just tired of it. Life isn't about winning, it's about compromise and finding a balance. But the scales are tipped to one side entirely and leaving me hanging with no possible way to rebalance them.

[wine-mom-wheeler]

After scrolling through the tag for a while and seeing everyone go into a state of panic because of the Noah and Millie interview, I wanted to give some thoughts. This is more or less an incoherent rant, you’ve been warned. Just as a side note I’m not trying to start an argument with anyone online so if you decide to be hostile I’ll block you bbg. I will not be addressing the article but the unlabeled Will discourse that has sparked because of it. Anyways.

Also minor tw some slurs are mentioned and mentioned negative use of the word queer.

I don’t understand what’s wrong with Will being unlabeled. Like they way some of you are framing it seems homophobic. It sounds like you’re saying that unlabeled people aren’t queer. Which they most definitely are and if you think otherwise why is that? The whole modern queer movement is about rejecting heteronormativity, and labels are a part of that.

Of course the 80s gay liberation movement was different form the one today. But at its core it strove to abolish gender norms and the nuclear family. Gay and Lesbian were terms that people used then as a form of their own liberation and a way to distance themselves from heteronormativity. So would Will being unlabeled really make sense? (the answer is yes).

*disclaimer, you can headcanon Will’s sexuality however you want. It still has not been confirmed only heavily coded. All we know is that he is some sort of queer.

I think it makes a lot of sense for Will to be unlabeled looking into how his character is written. He’s been the subject of homophobic bullying for his entire life. Even his dad called him gay. So it’s makes sense that the terms gay, queer, fairy etc would trigger unwanted memories and trauma. I think it makes more sense for someone like Mike to use the label gay (I don’t think he'd use the term bi since there was a lot of biphobia back then but feel free to debate that, respectfully of course).

Robin is an unlabeled character yet I haven’t seen any discourse about that. Would you like for her to be confirmed lesbian. All we know is that she likes women and not men. So why can’t that be the same for Will. We know he likes Mike and we can be pretty sure he doesn’t like women at all. That’s all we really need to know… sorta. That argument is constantly used by straight people, “why does it matter?” It matters because we need confirmation a character is queer and in passed media we’ve only gotten heavily queer characters. Ones that never got into relationships and were only queercoded or had offhand mentions like “oh yeah I’m living with my roommate” or “I’m not interested in dating a girl/boy right now.”

For the older queer people in the fandom, in your head what would it be like for them to keep Will unlabeled. Would it be similar to Robin or something like what I just stated in the previous paragraph?

But that’s not really what the duffer brothers would be doing (if byler is canon which it will be, just has not been confirmed yet). If Mike and Will end up together and explicitly say they’re a couple/dating then they aren’t really running from confirming the characters as queer. They are telling their audience outright that they love each other. They don’t need Will to say he's gay in order for their relationship to be valid.

In my humble opinion I think if they had Will have a coming out scene it'd feel forced. 1. Because coming out is pretty heteronormative and a way for cishet people to separate queer people from them. Queer people shouldn’t need to declare their truth just like straight people. All the power to you if you want to come out, it’s your decision of course that’s just how I see it. 2. The duffers shouldn’t have to handhold their audience in order to get across that Will is gay. If he’s in a relationship with Mike then it’s pretty obvious. Yes there are slimy incel Elon Musk stans who will debate it on Reddit but like so what. They are a small portion of the audience and for the most part everyone will understand how Will feels.

I think the only person it makes sense for Will to explicitly come out to would be Mike. I think Will knows Mike would need concrete confirmation and reassurance that Will is gay and has feelings for him. As for everyone else I don’t think Will would want to come out to everyone else in the party. I don’t even think he'd come out to his mom and Jonathan, I think he'd just be open if he was dating Mike.

I know one argument is that not confirming Will as gay is them being afraid to say it. But are they afraid to said it if they’ve shown homophobia and that whole Justin/Erica interaction? /gen.

I mentioned earlier how I think it makes more sense for Mike to call himself explicitly gay. He hasn’t been bullied the way Will has. He’s spent most of his life not knowing the feelings he has deep down for his friend, all he knows is that they aren’t normal. Mike identifying as gay could be comforting to him given his circumstances as supposed to Will who has bad memories surrounding those labels. I can imagine Mike saying to Nancy or his mom “I’m gay” way more than I can Will.

Tldr; I think Will is gay as fuck but they don’t have to say it, and for all u bylers worrying about the article, don’t pay too much attention to it. All the evidence trumps it and I think we should just live laugh Byler

[watchmegetobsessed]

Update - Harry Styles

i’ve been deep inmy harry feels and this thought just wouldn’t leave me alone so i had to write it. im thinking about starting a taglist for harry, i think i’ll write more about him in the future. let me know if you’d be interested in the taglist!

word count: ~5.9k

masterlist

Sequel: The best present

Harry is not that into YouTube videos, has never really been, which is kind of ironic seeing the number of videos on the internet that is about him. The man himself who makes everyone talk online feels weird seeing someone talking on his screen, looking into his soul as if they were right there with him. But today he felt the sudden urge to be like his peers and get lost in random rambling videos from strangers, who felt the need to put themselves out there.

He has made a mean cup of tea for himself, made himself comfortable on his couch with his laptop balancing on his thighs and now is opening up his browser to unwind in an unusual way. As YouTube opens in front of his tired eyes, he stops when he tries to type in the keywords he is searching for. What is he looking for really? He thinks to himself trying to remember what he heard from his friends when they talked about funny or interesting videos. One thing is for sure, he is trying to avoid watching videos of himself in any content. He has had enough of him for the day, it’s time to focus on someone else, even if he doesn’t know the person.

He scrolls through several pages of many different keywords until he settles for a video where a girl talks about how her latest moving day went. Starting off Harry feels weird listening to her talk about such personal things as where her bed went in her room, how she packed all her stuff to fit them in the boxes, but soon enough this feeling settles and he starts to realize it’s kind of relaxing.

It doesn’t take too long for him to fall down a rabbit hole and by the time his tea empties out from his cup he is intensely watching a guy rant about his boss at Subway while doing a mukbang. The latter is a new discovery for Harry, he has never heard of it before, but he can see why some people find it satisfying.

The video ends, Harry checks the time and sees that it’s already after midnight and he hasn’t even realized how fast time flew by.

“Alright, just one more,” he mumbles to himself scrolling down the column of the recommended videos until his eyes stop at one particular upload at the very bottom.

July update for my Sammy, ready the title and an eye-catchingly beautiful girl is smiling from the thumbnail. He finds her breathtaking, the lack of makeup, the worn out hoodie she is wearing and the many various plants in the background makes it appear she is sitting in the middle of the forest.

Harry finds himself clicking on the video before he could even decide consciously to watch it. The screen loads and the girl appears in front of him, this time in a much larger size.

“Hi Sammy, welcome back to our channel,” she starts with an angelic little laugh as she pulls her shoulders up to her ears as if the camera is making her shy. She has no reason to be shy, Harry thinks to himself. His second thought is about Sammy, he is one lucky guy to know this angel and have her think about him. “It’s Y/N here, your one and only sister,” she adds.

Sister. The word brings Harry relief and he is surprised to feel this way, but he has no time to think anything of it because she starts talking again.

“Here is my July update, I’m sorry I’m a little late, but we got back from Oregon yesterday. Aunt Ella is sending you kisses and hugs, she missed you at the barbeque, or maybe it was just your helping hand at the grill,” she chuckles to herself, probably recalling the memory.

Harry has no idea who Aunt Ella is or where she lives in Oregon, but the way she talks about it makes him feel like he is part of the family a little.

Y/N carries on and starts talking about everything that has happened in July. Painting the shed at her parents’ home, buying a new armchair, one her cat absolutely adores and refuses to sleep anywhere else now, she went to the hairdresser to get a trim, but not too much. She tells about her plans for August, how she is thinking about going to the farmers’ market more often, and she has been playing with the idea of adopting another cat.

“I think Henry has been feeling a little lonely lately. He could use a buddy,” she tells the camera, her eyes moving to the side from where a weak but moody meow can be heard as an answer. “Yeah, I think he agrees,” she chuckles and Harry finds himself smiling at the screen.

At the end of the video she asks a few questions from Sammy, how he has been doing, if his wrist feels any better, even asks about a friend called Matthew. Harry wonders if she has ever gotten the answers to her questions and where Sammy saw this video. What is he doing that made her want to do an update on YouTube?

When the video ends Harry clicks on her profile faster than he would willingly admit to anyone and it’s like he opened the gate to paradise. Tens and maybe hundreds of videos are queuing on her page, monthly updates, birthday wishes, short story times about family gatherings, news and happenings in her life.

Harry gets lost in her tales. He watches video after video, noticing the smallest details about her, almost mentally taking notes about her updates, finding anything and everything she talks about so interesting as if he knew those people and places she mentions. He comes to realization that Sammy is her older brother who is serving somewhere in the military. Y/N is making the videos to update him about her life even if she knows most of them doesn’t get to him until weeks later, but it doesn’t seem to bother her. He also learns that Sammy sends them back lengthy emails once a month and always ends them with a joke they made up with his mates at the army. Y/N loves them even when they're not even funny, she never fails to mention that she smiled reading them.

Hours pass by and the rising Sun peeks inside the window pulling Harry back to his own reality, shocked that he just spent the whole night watching her videos and didn’t even realize how deep he has gotten in her life. Lucky for him he has nothing planned until the afternoon, so shutting his laptop he sets it aside and heads straight to bed, but lying between his silky sheets he catches himself staring out the window, wondering what Y/N might be doing right now. From what he collected she lives somewhere in Spokane and has family in Seattle and Portland, which puts her quite a few time zones behind him. He finds the thought of them going to bed at the same time despite the distance a little funny. He lies in bed for quite some time before he finally drifts off to sleep with a particular girl on his mind, who doesn’t even know he is thinking about her.

 “Do you think you can fall for someone you have never met?”

Harry’s question catches Mitch a little off-guard, but he is kind of used to his random bits of thoughts. Pouring some sugar into his coffee he follows the wondering singer to a free table in the corner.

“Isn’t it what all your fans feel?” he answers with a question, earning a surprised look from Harry. He hasn’t thought about this side, now the situation is kind of ironic, he supposes.

“Y’re right,” he nods stirring his coffee around in the small cup.

“Want to let me in on your thoughts?”

Harry feels a little shy to admit how he has watched all of her videos in the past few days, 207 to be exact and now he feels an oddly deep connection to this girl he has never even seen outside of a screen. Last night he dug up her Instagam profile, and even though she is not posting as frequently as she does on her channel, it was a refreshing change to see her in different settings. Chilling at a lake, having drinks with her friends, playing with her parents’ puppy, it amazed him that she has a whole life outside that small portion she lets him see in her videos.

Hesitantly, but he tells his friend about his latest hobby, if it’s not too weird to call it that, while his friend patiently listens and nods along his words while sipping on his morning coffee.

“D’you think I’m crazy?” Harry sighs leaning back in his seat, looking at his friend and colleague for validation that he hasn’t lost his mind entirely.

“Definitely not,” he chuckles shaking his head. “It’s like falling for that girl in school you know so much about but never really met.”

“Only that I’m stalkin’ this poor girl.”

“This is not stalking. We both know it’s far from that.” Harry nods with slight relief that his situation doesn’t seem as bad as he has been feeling lately. ��Have you gotten in touch with her?”

“And what am I supposed to do? Comment on her video that I think her cat’s a cutie and I watched all her videos in three days ‘cuz I think she’s beautiful and I find her voice soothing?”

Mitch lets out a soft chuckle at the oddly specific answer he just gave and finds it amusing how interested his friend has grown about someone in such a short time.

“Maybe phrase it a little different.”

“So you do think I should reach out?”

“I don’t see why you shouldn’t. Use your personal YouTube, leave her a nice comment. Maybe she’ll reply.”

“And then what?”

“I don’t know, Harry,” he chuckles. “Just go with it and you’ll see. You are obviously interested in her, it’s better than just sit and watch her videos.”

Harry agrees. It wouldn’t hurt to try to reach out to her, possibly in a not too creepy way. Maybe just a sweet comment on one of her videos and if she replies… Well, he doesn’t know what comes after, but he’ll figure it out.

 Y/N updates regularly. Usually once a week and mostly it’s Sunday when a new video gets uploaded. This next Sunday Harry finds himself checking her page occasionally through the day to see if there’s a new update, but it seems like she is missing today. Right until he is driving home and gets a notification from the app.

Y/N has just uploaded a new video! It reads and Harry’s heart beats a tad bit faster. He thinks about pulling over to see it right away, but he tells himself that would be a bit too much, so he is forced to wait until he is in the comfort of his home.

Finally sitting on his couch he opens up his laptop and clicks on the video that has the title: September update.

Y/N sits in her usual spot, Henry in her arms as she is gently stroking his head with a warm smile on her face.

“Hi Sammy! Welcome back to our channel,” she greets him with her usual words and Harry loves how she calls the channel theirs. “This is my September update, even though not much has happened,” she breathes out, eyes wandering to the window besides her and Harry wonders what she sees from her window every day. Does she live in the city? Is it an apartment or a house with a backyard? Are there any trees or does her room have a terrible view, maybe just another house next to hers?

She starts her talk about the month, which she spent mostly with working, a little shopping and meeting her friends. She tells him about her planned trip to the local shelter to see possible new kittens to add to her household and Harry feels himself growing excited about it. He even thinks about what kind of cat he can see get along well with Henry even though he has never even met him.

“Anyway, mom and dad miss you, I miss you too. I loved your joke about ducks in your latest email,” she chuckles sweetly, bringing a smile to Harry’s face as well. “Mom is excited to see you at Christmas, our cousins will come to Portland as well. Maya can’t wait to play Jenga with you, she said she’s been practicing.”

The video soon ends as Y/N tells Sammy how much she loves him and eventually turns the camera off.

He straight away moves the cursor to the beginning of the video and as she starts talking again he scrolls down to the comment section that’s entirely empty. There are only two views on her video, usually a hundred is the max, but she doesn’t seem to care about the views, it’s more about the message.

He clicks to type a comment, but his hands stop above the keyboard as he tries to think of what to write. Mitch was right about taking a chance at reaching out, but what is he supposed to write exactly? Everything that comes to his mind sounds so creepy and scary, and he knows it’s weird that he formed such a deep connection to an unknown girl online. At last he starts typing.

“Hi Y/N! I’ve stumbled across your videos the other day. Love how you keep your brother updated, it’s such a nice gesture. I hope life treats you and Sammy well, you truly deserve it. Good luck with finding a buddy for Henry! Love, an admirer of yours, H.”

He reads it back several times, deleting then retyping it again until he decides to just go with it. A rush of adrenaline washes over his body when he sends the comment and it’s officially out there. Secretly he wishes she would reply right away, but moments pass by, then moments turn into minutes and nothing happens. His comment stands there alone and he has to realize that maybe she will never even reply or even see it.

It doesn’t matter, he tells himself as he shuts the laptop down and goes on to do his things, but he finds his thoughts wander over to her from time to time.

He has a busy day ahead of him the next day, quite a few meetings and a fitting. He checks back for a reply in the morning, but it slips his mind the moment he leaves from home and his phone rings right away. Throughout the day he basically barely has time to check his emails, his other notifications are just sitting patiently on the bar, waiting for him to acknowledge them. It’s way past five in the afternoon when he finally have some time for himself after his fitting. He is sitting in his car, people walk past him without even realizing who is sitting behind the tinted windows. Scrolling down he gets rid of everything that doesn’t seem urgent until his eyes stop at one particular notification.

“Y/N replied to your comment,” he reads it out loud, just to make it real, as if he is seeing it wrong and saying it with his own mouth brings it to life. He quickly taps on it and the familiar video opens up and while Y/N starts talking again the screen jumps down to the comments where, in fact, there is a reply from her.

“Dear H! Thank you for your heartfelt comment! I always forget it’s not just my family who sees these videos, but I’m happy you found them interesting enough to watch a few of them.”

“A few?” Harry huffs to himself feeling a little ridiculous he has watched all of them.

“I hope I didn’t bore you too much. Thank you for the well wishes for me, my brother and Henry too. He is sending his love to you. Y/N xx”

The comment was posted three hours ago. The thought that she has acknowledged his existence with not only reading but also replying to his comment brings him extreme joy. He reads her words over and over again, looking for any clue that would give away that she found his comment weird, but it seems like she was more surprised and happy that someone else saw her video besides her brother. Harry starts to type his reply without hesitation.

“Bore me? You saved me from watching another “what’s in my bag” video the other day. It was a pleasant change. I love your plants, by the way. Your room always gives off the most relaxed vibes. It reminded me I should have more of them in my home. H”

Harry smiles to himself posting his comment, the fear of appearing like a stalker long gone from him, the interaction is making his inside blossom from joy. For his biggest surprise a reply appears just a few minutes away and Harry reads Y/N’s new lines with deep hunger.

“Those videos suck the life out of me every time! I might be having a problem with buying too many plants, but I can’t help myself. They truly bring peace to me just by looking at them. I’m glad you are planning on buying some more, you won’t regret it!”

Harry is dying to reply, but he doesn’t want to look too eager and needy, so he opts for just liking her comment to let her know he read it and agrees. He locks his phone and puts it aside with the widest smile on his face as he starts his car and leaves his parking spot.

Two weeks pass by. In those two weeks Y/N uploads two more videos, one about her time with her grandparents, for a change it was filmed at their home and they even said hello in it. Harry feels wholesome seeing her with her granny and grandpa, it’s clear she cares a lot about them. The other video is just a short one where she has met some of Sammy’s old high school friends and she had a check in from them, sending a sweet message to him through the video. Harry doesn’t doubt how much these little things mean to Sammy, even if he doesn’t get to see them right away. Seeing Y/N alone boosts his mood every time she uploads a new video, he can only imagine how they make Sammy feel.

He leaves comments on her videos without a second thought and she replies to all of them, a lot of the time almost immediately. These are the highlights of his days without exception. Knowing that she has anything to do with him just fascinates him and he is starting to realize what his fans feel towards him on a different level. Whenever he sees the notification that she has replied to what he wrote or that she uploaded a new video he flies right to her page to check it, no matter what he is doing. Some of their comment threads turn out pretty lengthy, almost like a chat conversation and it has Harry wonder how they could maybe move it to somewhere else from the comment section.

He wants to ask for her number, but figures it wouldn’t be the best idea. Regardless of how much he enjoys their short little conversations, the situation is still weird and complicated and he doesn’t want to forget that.

But he is pleasantly surprised when she brings it up herself, to move the conversation to somewhere else.

“Would love to discuss that more with you. Up for exchanging IG names?” her question reads and he blinks a few before he fully comprehends that she wants to talk to him more in private. However there’s no way he can send her his real Instagram profile and making a fake one would be way too suspicious. Opening up the private messages he sends her a short, but informative message.

“I don’t use Instagram, but feel free to text me,” and then his phone number.

He sits at the dinner table anxiously, waiting for his phone to light up from a new text, and just a few minutes later it finally comes.

“Hi! It’s Y/N,” he reads from the notification and he saves the number right away.

“Hello! Save me as Harry. I haven’t even told you my name yet, how rude of me!” he replies chuckling to himself.

“Will let it slip this time. Harry. What a nice name!”

“Is it what you thought about from the H?”

“It was one of my theories. The other one was Hayes, but Harry fits you better.”

“You haven’t even seen me, how do you know what name fits me?”

“I don’t know. You had a vibe. There are many great Harries in the world, you seemed to fit between them!”

Harry wonders if she is thinking about him without even knowing that… it is him. He wants to ask her, but decides not to. Instead, he is enjoying that he can now reach her immediately and not through a comment section. He never thought this would actually happen.

 The texts never stop. They have so much to talk about! Their entire life to share, millions of thoughts and so much to discuss! Harry is not proud of the time he has spent with his eyes glued to his phone, but he wouldn’t miss a chance to talk to her for anything. Their friends are not blind to the change in him, but Mitch is the only one with a guess about why he has gotten so addicted to his phone.

“Is it the girl from the videos?” he asks Harry one time when they are at the studio, having lunch break. Different food boxes are scattered around them, on the table and the couch. Harry’s phone just light up from a text and he immediately dropped his lunch to type a response.

He glances up at his friend with a shy smile nodding his head. He hasn’t talked about his newly funded friendship with Y/N yet, it feels like as if he tells it to anyone it might evaporate into just a dream.

“So you reached out, huh?”

“I did,” he nods returning to his food once his message is sent. “She’s great.”

“Does she know who she is talking to?” Harry’s lack of answer tells enough about the truth to Mitch. “You can’t hide forever, especially if you are planning on meeting her.”

“I know,” he answers shortly. “But I just don’t know how I could even bring it up to her without sounding like a mad man.”

“She’ll need proof.”

“M’not ready to show m’self to her. What if it changes everything?”

“Then it wasn’t worth it,” he simply tells him.

Deep down Harry knows it’s the truth, but he is not ready to be robbed from the joy she is bringing him. He has never felt such a deep connection to anyone before and they haven’t even met. It’s just a version of her he is seeing on the screen, not her real self. But it feels real to him and he wants to keep this reality to himself for just a little longer.

 “I wish I could hear your voice, Harry. You are one big mystery to me, you know that?”

He forgets to breathe for a moment as he reads her message, lying in bed one evening, getting ready to sleep, but he wanted to check in with her before ending the day.

“You know so much about me already,” he types back.

“Not enough, I feel like. Sometimes I’m afraid Nev and Max are about to show up at my door and tell me that I’ve been catfished.”

He chuckles at her words, though he completely understands her fear.

“What do you want from me then?”

“Send me a voice message so I know you are real. That would put my suspicion to sleep. For a while…”

Harry hesitates for a long time until he decides just one voice message couldn’t hurt. Just a short one where his voice is not that recognizable so his cover won’t be over immediately.

“Good night, Y/N,” he tells into his phone and then send the recording to her.

He watches the status change from delivered to read and a couple of minutes go by before she finally responds.

“Thank you. Now I know that you are real. I hope I’ll hear your voice in real life one day.”

“I hope that too.”

 His time spent undercover is coming to an end and he knows it’ll happen soon. It’s been weeks since they started chatting, almost an entire month and she’s been hinting her will to see his face and though he has been putting it off, he knows it has to happen.

Fate is playing under his hands, because he is traveling to Seattle for a few days, exactly when Y/N is traveling there to visit her parents.

“I hope you know you can’t leave without meeting finally,” she wrote when she found out they are going to be in the same city.

“It never even crossed my mind!” he wrote back chuckling to himself, however it brought him extreme anxiety that he is now going to be forced to come clean about who he really is.

He spends his whole flight to Seattle making up possible outcomes for their first official meeting. Not all of them end well and it’s just fueling his fear that he might lose her for not telling her the entire truth.

But she is a smart girl, she’ll see your reasoning, he tells himself, however he can’t entirely convince himself that it will be the case.

In hopes of squeezing in more than just one meeting into the weekend they agreed to meet almost first thing after he lands. So after checking into his hotel he heads into the city to finally meet her in real life in a local café she suggested for the occasion. Arriving to the place he is running a little late and she already texted him she’ll be waiting for him inside. Harry is wearing a beanie with shades to try to keep up his cover and it seems to be working, no one has approached him yet.

Stepping inside the cozy looking place his eyes roam around and immediately finds her sitting in the corner, pouring sugar into her coffee, not even paying attention to the door at the moment, but truth is she’s been intensely staring at it in the past ten minutes she has been there.

Harry takes a deep breath and nods to himself before heading in her way, hands shaking nervously as he stops at her table.

She glances up at him with innocent eyes, a smile spreads across her face as she sees that her mysterious Harry has arrived and she doesn’t recognize her until he finally takes his sunglasses off.

Harry watches her face turn from happiness to surprise then utter shock as she realizes who is standing in front of him.

“You are… my Harry?” she asks, confusion laced through her voice and Harry can’t ignore how she called him her Harry. He likes the ring of it.

“M’orry if it’s a little too much f’you, I really didn’t know how to tell ya.”

Keeping his eyes on her he pulls out the other chair at the table and takes a seat across her while she is still staring at him with a shocked and puzzled expression sitting on her face. Then she looks around in suspicion as he wiggles his coat off his arms, before her eyes settle on him once again.

“It’s not an episode of Catfish, right?” she asks making him chuckle.

“It is not, don’t worry.”

“I’m sorry if I’m being weird, but this was literally the last thing I was expecting,” she admits leaning back in her seat. “I believed things like this only happen in movies.”

“Not just there,” he smiles, slowly relieving that she is still sitting there and hasn’t ran out. It’s going way better than he expected.

She needs a little time to put the whole picture together and befriend the thought that she indeed just developed a friendship with Harry Styles through her videos for her brother. The absurdity is still shocking to her, but the more time passes by with him still sitting there, the more she finds peace with it.

Once the shock and surprise is gone they slowly realize they are seeing each other in real life finally. Harry feels overwhelmed, she is even more breathtaking than in her videos and through texts. He is mesmerized by her whole being and could listen to her talk in person forever, he wouldn’t get bored of her.

Time stops existing as they sit at the little café, talking for hours even though that’s all they’ve been doing through texts, but they just can’t get enough of hearing each other, seeing each other’s reaction and be able to see each other and not stare at a screen while talking.

Unfortunately, time never stopped just for the two of them and soon she realizes she needs to head back home. Harry doesn’t want to let go of her just yet so he offers to give her a ride, thanking himself for getting a rental for himself upon arriving. Y/N accepts the offer so the two of them head back to her parents’ home, soaking up the last minutes of their precious time spent together.

“Thank you for today, I really loved meeting you finally,” she smiles at him once they are parked on the driveway.

“I hope I didn’t shock you too much,” he chuckles scratching his chin.

“Just a little,” she admits before they both get out of the car and walking around it she stops in front of him, after a moment of hesitation she opts for a hug that he returns more than happily.

It feels as if her frame was perfectly sculpted to fit in his embrace and Harry can’t imagine how he could go this long without even seeing her in person. He knows it’s gonna be utter misery to be away from her after they leave the city.

“Will I see you before you take off?” she asks letting go of him. Harry looks down at her, the urge to kiss her growing bigger with each passing moment, but he is not sure if it would be appropriate to give it a try on their first time meeting.

“I’m free tomorrow for a lunch,” he tells her and she nods smiling.

“Then I’m free too,” she chuckles.

There’s an awkward moment where they are not sure what else should be done or said and the more they wait the weirder it’s getting so Harry clears his throat as he takes a step back, sad that he has to leave without feeling her lips on his, but he is not trying to be too greedy.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he smiles walking back to his car. Y/N waves after him and sitting back to behind the wheel he takes a moment to himself to collect himself after everything that has happened today. His hands curl around the wheel and he is about to start the car when someone knocks on the window. Y/N is smiling at him through the glass and he rolls it down curiously.

“I just…” she starts hesitantly, her eyes wander down to his lips and Harry knows what’s about to happen, but it still catches him by surprise.

Y/N leans in through the window and presses her lips to Harry’s, capturing them in a sweet, long awaited first kiss they both have been dreaming of for quite a while. Harry smiles into the kiss, bringing his right hand up to cup her cheeks as they stretch the moment for as long as possible. Whenever one pulls back the other brings them back for just one more kiss that turns into two more, then three… It takes a long time for them to finally let go of each other.

“See you later, H,” she smiles backing out of the car and running up to the front door, smiling wildly as she waves in his way one last time before disappearing in the house.

 Lying in bed that evening Harry is scrolling through his Instagram feed when he finally realizes he can now follow her without a worry. He is quick to find her profile again and hit that follow button. He is happy to see she was already following him.

He is just about to put his phone aside and go to bed after such a busy but exciting day when a notification pops up on the screen.

Y/N has just uploaded a new video!

He taps on it quickly and her smiling face greets him from his phone’s screen.

“Hi Sammy! It’s me again. Welcome back to our channel,” she starts with a shy smile. The setting is new this time, he supposes it’s her parents’ home this time. “This is going to be a short video, but I wanted to tell you about something. Or someone.”

Harry’s heart skips a beat when he thinks about where it’s heading. He listens to her voice holding his breath.

“I met someone today. We’ve been talking for a while, but I could finally hug him today. His name is Harry, and he is a wonderful man. I think you two would get along well,” she says with a soft chuckle. “I love spending time with him and I hope he feels the same way. Actually…” Her eyes move up straight to the camera, something she doesn’t do often. She usually stares out the window or plays with Henry while talking. “I think he is watching it right now. Hi Harry!”

“Hello, Beautiful,” he greets her back with a smile as if she could hear him.

“I wanted to tell you how amazing you are making me feel. I hope I didn’t disappoint. I was so nervous to meet you today, I hope I lived up to what you imagined me to be.”

“You were so much better than that,” he answers again.

“Anyway… I hope you feel the same way. You are the first guy I’m talking about in an update, so appreciate it!” she tells him and he chuckles lightly. “I’ll see you soon, H. But until then… Know that I’m thinking about you.”

“M’thinking about you too, Angel.”

“Sammy, I miss you as always. I hope everything is well, can’t wait for your next email. I love you,” she smiles before the video ends.

Harry heads straight to the comments. This time he doesn’t leave a lengthy one, just a short line, but it has everything he wanted to tell her.

“I feel the same way.” The comment reads. Just a few seconds later comes the notification and he smiles sweetly at his phone.

Y/N liked the comment.

[zeldas-cigarrette]

𝐢𝐭’𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢 𝐥𝐢𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡. ❁ཻུ۪۪♡

— word count; 1,213

— angsty and fluff???

— summary; you’ve been in love with Miranda, but you never felt enough for her.

— ⚢miranda priestly x fem!reader

—❥author’s note; I really don’t know how, but I came up with this one. This was the first time I’ve written again in over a month so yes, that’s that. I hope you’re good:)

🏷 tag list; @paulawand

Your family and friends would describe you as insecure, sometimes anxious, and definitely not very confident. Although you own a successful company, your private life was haunted by a lack of self-consciousness. Two years ago you’ve met Miranda Priestly at a charity gala, she caught your eyes. The mesmerizing woman captured you for the whole night and when she finally spoke to you, she asked you out for dinner. It scared you a little because you had never thought that a woman like her would talk to a girl like you. But despite your doubts about yourself, she seemed to like you a lot and after that one dinner, it came to even more. Miranda is a fiery woman, she was often very cutthroat and demanding with her staff; not going easy on them was her reputation. That’s why you were even more surprised at how gentle she was when you were out together.

It wasn’t until three months ago when she told you that over the years she had fallen in love with you. Usually, you would’ve felt honoured, and especially with her, you should’ve reacted differently. But in that very moment, all the things she was and you weren’t running in light speed through your mind. The thought of not being worthy enough to be with her totally suffocated you at that moment. Her white hair that normally shone like a halo over her head, lost its glow when you just turned around and walked away.You felt incredibly sorry for treating the woman that way. Although you reacted as only an idiot would, she reached out to you and explained how she wouldn’t want to risk the friendship you two had and how sorry she was. Again; It surprised you.

Miranda sent you flowers to work and you could only text her how grateful you were to have her as a friend. Deep down you didn’t just want her as a friend but the mere thought of being useless for her internally made your blood boil and you quickly stopped thinking about her. Since you two stayed friends, you still went out for dinner or had lunch together. Every time you saw her, the butterflies in your stomach came to life and you carefully imagined how it would be like to kiss her. You had to be careful to not get too attached again. Therefore every time you saw her again you got a little more distant and you knew she knew. You couldn’t tell her how much you disliked yourself so you tried to make her hate you just as much as you did.

When she called you in her office for lunch that Emily brought, you had this weird feeling in the gut. Not knowing what it was, you ignored it and walked through the glass doors to Runway. It was just as busy as usual, you saw Nigel having a seemingly wild conversation with Andi and Emily filed her nails. A small smile curved on Miranda’s lips when she saw you walking in her direction. „Hey,” you mumbled putting your jacket on the chair. „Hey, just sit I ordered your favorite,” her voice sounded strangled. You carefully opened the plastic box and your heart ached when you really saw your favourite meal in it. She was paying attention. It hurt your heart that you could never be with her. „Did you sleep well?” she asked stuffing a forkful of salad in her mouth. You wanted to capture that exact moment, that exact cute face of hers. You nodded unable to give a proper response.

Even though the food looked delicious, you could only eat small bites and stir your fork in it. It was rare that the sun was as bright and warm in New York as today. The huge glass windows in her office allowed you a wide sight on New York’s streets, thousands of people scurrying to their jobs. „Everything alright dear?” „Yes I’m fine,” a thin-lipped smile graced your face. She ran her left hand through her snow-white hair before putting her pencil down. „You’re quite pale, are you withholding anything from me? You know I hate liars,” Miranda’s voice sounded threatening. „No don’t worry.”

It felt like using her good side for my appalling behaviour. The lunch continued in horrible silence just as she was about to finish, Nigel stopped by for an important matter. Shortly after, Miranda excused herself and followed him. You could feel the weight lifting off your shoulders when she left the room. Playing pretend was never your thing and most of the time you failed miserably, but this time you seemed to be good. It took her some time to get back and you passed the time by scrolling through your phone. „I’m back, sorry for keeping you so long,” the white-haired woman took a seat again.

„Don’t worry I wanted to go anyway.” You didn’t. You wanted to spend every free second of your day just watching her. You quickly gathered your belongings and headed for the exit. „Wait!” Miranda’s normally quiet voice that changed into a short, loud noise, startled you. You jolted in her direction. „Did I do something that upset you?” she loudly complained. The air was suddenly caught in your throat. „Uh no, nothing,” your voice was shaky, knowing that it will end either in a fight or you telling her what it was really about.

„I just really need to go.”

„No you wait,” her soft hands gripped your wrist and pulled you after her in the office. „I thought we cleared things up, but now you’ve been acting strange ever since,” Miranda was in full rage and you knew it could be deadly to interfere with it. „Look, I’m not acting strange or anything in that direction. Maybe you’re just making it up,” you quietly replied fearing she’d kill you on the plate. „Making it up huh? I saw how you looked at me.” A sharp pain went through your chest.

„Do you really think that I’m not good enough for the great Y/n?” That was it, that was so wrong you could no longer keep your mouth shut, how could she not see how much of a miserable person you are? „You know what? No, I don’t think that you’re not good enough for me, but I certainly think that I will never be enough for you or anyone else,” the ranting ended in sobs. The face of the woman opposite you changed radically in pity. As if the whole situation wasn’t strange enough, Miranda pulled you on the couch and sat next to you.

„Don’t you ever say that again, never,” her hands warmed yours rapidly? „You’re more than enough for me, don’t you ever forget that,” she whispered softly. „I love you too?” it was hard for you to say, scared of she wouldn’t mean it after three months. Her hands quickly found their way up to your cheeks, cupping it to pull you closer. „Is that alright?” Miranda’s hot breath brushed your lips. Your lips landed on hers as a response, moving gently against hers.

‘Everything’s gonna be alright’ you affirmed in your head, not wanting to ruin the moment. Her perfume was intoxicating, lavender and vanilla.

[netheritenugget]

How To Fandom

Okay I’ve been really really wanting to write a masterpost about how to stay sane on this website for a while now, and I think it’s time.

So You Joined The Dream SMP Fandom/Basically Any Fandom.  You Feel Like You Are In Hell.  How Do You Keep Sane?

The block button is your friend.  Unless the person who has been blocked tries messaging you or interacting with your posts, then they’ll never find out they’ve been blocked.  You can also do something called “softblocking,” which is blocking and then unblocking them to make them unfollow you.  Chances are they might not even notice you’re no longer on their feed.  Block people who annoy you.  Block people who give you bad vibes.  Block everyone and anyone who makes you uncomfy.  It’s worth it.

Tag filter tag filter tag filter.  Tumblr has its own tag filtering option.  If you block the word “gore” it won’t block “gore tw” but it’s good to use because it will synch all your filtered tags between mobile and desktop.

If you use Chrome, you should install the New Xkit extension.  It has lots of different filtering options, like the option to block individual posts and all variations of them, blacklist words, hide advertisements, and more.  There’s also additional accessibility options.  Seriously I cannot reccomend being able to block posts enough, it’s extremely helpful for clearing your feed of the same annoying rants that keep popping up over and over again.

Turn off anon unless you’re comfortable with having it on.  Anon is a nice way for friendly shy people to message you, yes, but it’s not worth it if there’s people flooding your inbox with hate.  You are not a coward for wanting to see the faces of the people who felt the need to take the time out of their day to bait and harass you.  Anons harassing you this way want you to post their answers for others to see, because if it was just about making you feel bad, they’d PM you directly to tell you how much they hate you.  No, it’s about the fact that they can do it with zero repercussions.  Don’t let them get the chance.

Take breaks.  Log out of the app and have some food and water.

If you see a post that makes you angry, ask yourself if seeing the same topic in a week will make you just as angry.  Ask yourself if it’s worth it to spread that anger to others.  Is the information in the post verifiable?  Does it need repeating?  If the answer to any of these questions is “no” I suggest not spreading it.

If you’re about to argue with someone over their stupid opinions, ask yourself...  “Will this argument die out after five minutes?  Am I prepared if it goes on longer than that?  Is this person probably too stupid to comprehend that they’re a moron?” and if the answer is “yes” then just take the moral high ground and leave.

If you have a post you’re not sure about (maybe it’s controversial, or maybe you’re just feeling extra anxious today), save it to your drafts and come back to it later.  It may also help you find typos.

Posts that have already been made can be changed to “private” which will allow you to see them, but nobody else.

Alright Those Are Cool Tips!  How Do You Make Tumblr Better For Others?

Be respectful of other’s boundaries.  Unless you’re friends with a blog, do not assume they’re comfortable talking about absolutely everything with you.  The big blogs on this site don’t have social media managers, they’re not therapists, they’re just normal people who didn’t need to wake up to requests for feet pics.  Please be nice to them.

Don’t put unrelated character tags on your posts, it’s especially rude when I’m scrolling through the Eret tag and see unrelated fanart of different characters entirely.

Leave the “#m*neblr” and “#m*necraft” tags alone.  It’s not for us.  Use “#mcyt.”

When you trigger tag things like seizure warnings make sure you’re actually using the correct tag for such things.  For example if you’re tagging gifs for epilepsy warnings, “#epilepsy warning” is better than “#epilepsy” since the first tag is a warning, and the second tag is just the name of the medical condition itself. (Don’t have epilepsy, it’s just a good example)

I love it when people leave nice things on my posts!!  I love it so much!!!!! Putting things in the tags is nice if you think your comment might be cluttering, but you want others to see it don’t be shy about slapping it into the reblogs :)

Remember that there is a myriad of reasons someone might not have answered an ask you sent!  Tumblr really does eat asks sometimes for unknown reasons, the contents might not have made the recipient comfy, or they might have cleaned the inbox out, or they just might not have wanted to answer it.  The recipient might not be comfortable with you sending an ask about where the first one went, but if they are, please be polite and know they don’t have to answer you if they don’t want to!!

Sometimes fandom drama can get out of hand.  You know the author of the Dream Apologist Manifesto?  They got death threats.  Don’t contribute to harassment, no matter how much you think it’s deserved.  Don’t be that guy.

If anyone else has anything useful to add, feel free!

[koko-the-vampony]

Ain’t it silly? To return here after what seem like a millennia honestly? This isn’t some return at all. It’s a reflection of me scrolling this whole blog. The old life I had here wasn’t what I wanted, the friends are amazing but I look back today and laugh at how I matured in such a little time.

if you talked to me years ago you’ll be crazed about how much change I’ve been through actually. It’s good change I will say. Some of it with pain but in the end? I believe the change was needed. Reality hit like a train and it was the wake up call of a lifetime.

Growing up I was stupid. Made a lot of stupid decisions. Was exposed to bad people and believed some things were okay to do when they completely were not in my interest and were random bursts of moment things that I’ve grown to realize aren’t really me. It took time and effort but I’ve learned to overcome those obstacles and matured decently well.

Years of my teenage years, I let social media guide my hand and while I don’t regret the people I have met and the path my journey was placed upon? I believe I’d of made some better choices if I got to go back honestly. The person you may believed I was to be? A person full of sadness and pain? Was able to find happiness through all of the pain and suffering I endured.

Just a few years ago. I struggled at the edge of a building on my final minutes only to take a leap of faith one last time and changed my outcome. You don’t know who I am but I am not the little kid I once was and I am happy to say it. I finally am at a point of happiness that I dreamed of when I had a needle in my arm. When I hit that bong. When I was fucked up and felt like ending it all. I kept on going and fuck me I’ve made so much progress.

Not to say I haven’t been through some hell. I found the person who made me feel like the only person who mattered. Only to have her ripped away from me with a disease. My lover made me realize that in all my struggle in my life I was worth so much more than I gave myself credit for and in her time with me I realized just how much I deserve as a person. I may have lost my mind and my heart as of this time but I am still so proud of the progress I continue to make in being the person that little kid dreamed to be.

I fixed the relationship with my stubborn family, I left that shitty job, I discovered WHO I want to be and I’m no longer ashamed of wanting to be myself and that’s just the beginning. I’m finally free.

These may just be the rantings of a heartfelt idiot. But, this idiots heart is in the right place.

RIP 2022 My beautiful fucking angel. May Valhalla await me when my time comes

ChaoZReignZ4Ever