#really it's just my meds are working again
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AN ACT OF LOVE ۶ৎ
۶ৎ SYNOPSIS: Being loved is being taken care of - emotionally and physically. ۶ৎ FEATURING CHARACTERS: Baji Keisuke, Shuji Hanma, Kazutora Hanemiya ۶ৎ C/W: fluff, established relationships/marriage, afab reader, mentions of flu symptoms in Baji's part, pregnancy in Kazutora's part + some hurt/comfort, insomnia in Hanma's part, petnames (baby, granny lmao), super self-indulgend ngl, not proof read, lowkey sucks but oh well ☠️ ۶ৎ AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is inspired by me being sick some time ago and sulking in my bed. Also took me ages to finish this. ۶ৎ W/C: 3.3k+
۶ৎ Keisuke Baji:
It’s the dead of the night, and you laid on your stomach, head resting on the side while your arms were spread. Your husband, ever the considerate and loving man, sat next to you as his calloused hands kneaded your aching muscles. It’s been terrible the last few days since you’ve started sneezing and coughing. At first, you assumed it must have been some allergies, but the added fever, fatigue and muscle pain painted a clearer picture for you: You must have gotten the flu.
So you took off a week from work to rot in the bed you shared with your husband, taking every disgusting tasting medication your doctor has recommended and falling asleep right after. While the other symptoms have gradually become better - thankfully, for you were going insane with your stuffy nose - your muscles wouldn’t stop hurting. The worst part, however, was that nothing seemed to help, no pain killers, no grain pillows, no overpriced could lessen the ache you felt in your tired muscles.
Thankfully, you happen to be married to the best man in the entire earth.
Keisuke has been so attentive ever since you’ve gotten sick. Despite his busy work schedule, he made sure you were taken care of, like making sure you’re taking your medicine in the morning and the evening, cooking you nutritious meals when he had the time for it and most importantly, tending to your aching back. He did give the best backrubs of all time after all.
So you waited impatiently for Keisuke to come back from the veterinary clinic he worked in to massage your muscles, occasionally dozing off continuing to take your meds with a sour face.
The torturous wait came to an end as soon as you heard the heavy yet familiar footsteps of your husband nearing the bedroom. You stirred awake yet again from the shuffling noises in the background to see him sit down on your bed, skin clad in his casual pair of sweats and a white baggy shirt, holding a small bottle of massaging oil in his hand.
“Did I wake you up?” Keisuke asked, sitting down on the end of the bed, his heavy hand tenderly stroking your covered leg “Are you feeling better?”
You chuckled when you felt his loving touch ��Wow, not even gonna greet your sick wife? How rude, Kei” You couldn’t see him well from the way you laid on your stomach, but you envisioned the ravenette rolling his eyes at you “Don’t roll your eyes at me, Mister Baji”
“How did you even know I was rolling my eyes at you?” your husband questioned as he moved to sit next to you, tugging the blanket and your - his - shirt away from his way “I just know you, Kei” you merrily replied, lightly shuddering when the cold oil made contact with your skin. His warm hand softly rubbed your back, spreading the massaging oil evenly “As you should. I’d be really pissed if my own wife didn’t know me and my antics” He muttered, digging his thumbs into your back muscles and rubbing them against your hurting muscles.
“Kei, it hurts!” you groaned into the pillows, struggling under the strong palms of his hands “You’re being too rough”
“I know, I know baby, but you’ll feel much better” Keisuke spoke to you, his usual gruff tone softening for you “Jeez babe, your muscles are rock hard. You have the back of an old granny” Keisuke snickered, his touch becoming more gentle. He’d hate to seriously hurt you.
“Keisuke I swear to God” you scoffed into the pillow, deciding to play along with his banter “I’m not an old granny and won’t become one anytime soon. You should be ashamed of bullying your sick wife”
“Hmmmm, nope, feelin’ no shame”
Your pained whines and protest slowly but surely grew silent as your husband continued rubbing and kneading your sore muscles, easing the ache you’ve been feeling all day long. Stopping after a while, Keisuke plumped next to you. Your mattress dipped at his sudden shifting before you were pulled towards him, scooped up in his embrace. A small yelp escaped your lips as you were manhandled into a different position - a position more of keisuke’s liking. You were turned to lay on your side, your back snugly pressing against your husband’s front as he buried his face into the crook of your neck.
“Kei! Geez, you will get sick if you get close to me like that”
Keisuke lets out a content sigh, his nose bumping against the tender skin of your neck “Oh shut. I’ve slept next to you for the whole week, I’ll be fine” He scoffed before he murmured into your neck “Besides, I’ve been looking forward to this all day long”
Heat crept up your face. You knew Keisuke can be affectionate - hell, you married this man, of course you knew he was affectionate towards you - yet the way it rolled off his tongue so sweetly made you feel as shy as when you had just started dating him. Loving him never gets old, you supposed.
So you laid in the warm embrace of your husband, feeling the beat of his heart softly thudding against your back and the slight tickle of his calm breath against your neck. Comfortable silence engulfed you two, and before you knew it, you heard his snores from behind you. A tired smile crept up on your lips before you followed suit, falling asleep in the ravenette’s embrace. The pain faded, and all you could feel was Keisuke’s love and devotion to you.
۶ৎ Shuji Hanma:
A deep hum left Shuji’s lips as he made his way to your shared apartment. Work has been taxing for the last few weeks ever since one of his photo’s he did for a wedding blew up on the internet. While he enjoyed his work and the extra money flowing in, sitting in his office and editing his client’s pictures till the sun goes down was not a way the tall man enjoys spending his nights. During the day, the tall man would be driving from shoot to shoot, instructing models how to pose while taking numerous pictures and making calls and adding appointments to his agenda.
Who knew following his passion would turn him into a relentless workaholic?
Unlocking the door as quietly as he could, Shuji quietly walked through the darkness of his apartment to the bathroom. More like forcing himself to go take a shower before crawling under the blankets with you, for Shuji knew you would be more than displeased with him. As he’s letting the warm water hit his skin, the ravenette’s thoughts drifted to you. He didn’t liked to admit it too often, but he missed you throughout the day - the way you’d scold him for ruining the freshly washed sheets with his ‘outside smell’, the way you would subconsciously scoot closer to him in your sleep, the way you are alway the first to wake up in the morning, the way you would have to convince him with kisses and promises of a hot cup of coffee waiting for him in the kitchen if he gets up.
Man, you were just so good to him.
Shuji quickly dried himself off and changed into his pajama - the one you thoughtfully left on top of the washing machine so he wouldn’t have to disturb your sleep by rummaging through the drawers. Tired, but feeling more relaxed after taking his shower, he quietly walked towards your shared bedroom, careful not to bump into anything. You should be asleep already, softly snoring as you’d be lying on his side of the bed and hugging his pillow. At least, that would be how Shuji usually finds you whenever he comes home from work past midnight. He would usually gently push you to roll over to your side and carefully attempt to pry his pillow away from your death grip. Most of the time he gives up and resorts to sleeping with your pillow under his head, which he doesn’t mind. After all, the best way the lanky man falls asleep is being surrounded by your scent.
However, upon entering your shared bedroom, he finds you laying in bed, wide awake and diligently tapping away on your laptop. The lamp on the nightstand illuminated the bedroom, bathing you in a soft golden hue.
“Baby, why are you still awake?” Shuji asked as he approached you, sitting down on the edge of the mattress. Upon coming closer to you, he noticed the dark circles under your eyes and the tired look in your face. Still so beautiful.
“I wanna finish this chapter. I think I made the plot too complicated” You sighed as you averted your eyes from the bright screen to take a look at your equally tired boyfriend.
“Besides, I gotta edit it too. I feel like my writing is inconsistent and lackluster” Despite his fatigue, a grin grew on his face. Oh you knew he was about to bully you.
“Probably because you need to rest” Shuji snickered as he took the laptop from your lap “Can’t have your little brain burn out before you finish writing the epilogue”
“But Shu, I need to finish this right now-”
“This reminds me of the times you used to pull all nighters back in highschool to finish your assignments, but this time you’re doing it willingly”
You scoffed, unable to find humor in your boyfriend’s attempts to tease you. Placing your hands on your laptop, you lightly pulled it closer to you as you muttered “Your comparison sucks, Shu. I’m writing because it’s my hobby, not a chore like the assignments used to be” The man could only shake his head, the light grin quickly turning into a scoff “You sure this isn’t a chore for you? Sure looks like you treat it like one”
Oh, he got you. You tried really hard to come up with a witty come back, something that would make him mind his own business. Unfortunately for you, your sleep deprived brain couldn’t argue with him. Against your ego, you had to bite the bullet.
The grip on your laptop loosened. The truth was that you were dying to fall back into your mattress and get the rest you desperately needed, but the need to be finished with your herculean task overthrew your basic human want.
Seeing as you weren’t budging, Shuji gently attempted to take your laptop away; this time placing the device on his own lap before suggesting “You lay back. I’ll read what you have written so far”
“Shu, it’s fine-”
“Do what I say, doll” He cut you off without sparing you a glance. Instead, he got comfortable in your shared bed and began to silently read your writing “You made some spelling mistakes. And I don’t understand why you’d word this sentence like that” The ravenette pointed his index finger at the bright screen, showing you the sentence he meant “But honestly? Not too shabby. The pacing is nice and most importantly, the plot isn’t boring”
You weren’t sure if you were hearing things right. Since when did he know anything about literature?
Shuji snickered as he watched you squinting at him “What? Didn’t like what I said?”
You could only huff, watching him turn off your laptop and placing it on his nightstand - right next to the now cold cup of coffee he didn’t get to finish in the morning “Are you sure you’re actually my boyfriend? Are you actually my Shu?” You looked him up and down “My boyfriend doesn’t know that much about writing”
The man next to you pulled the blanket over his body as he laid down. Turning his face to you, he smugly replied “You’re acting like I’m uncultured”
“You aren’t?”
Your boyfriend pulled you closer to him, encasing you in his warmth. Shuji bumped his nose against yours “True. Guess you rubbed off on me” He muttered tiredly “Now close your eyes. You gotta finish that chapter tomorrow for me”
۶ৎ Kazutora Hanemiya:
Dread filled you as you looked down on your hands, watching as one line immediately appeared on the test. Truth be told, this wasnät your idea. Catching up with your friend Emma in a cafe near your workplace turned into you ranting about your fatigue and nausea pretty quickly as soon as Emma noticed the tired look in your eyes.
“It’s probably the stress from work”, you tried justifying, explaining the big projects you were working on for the last few weeks. Conveniently, you left out that even though work has been taxing, you were still able to get a full night of sleep every time you came home from your office, and that you had enough time to spend with your boyfriend outside of work.
Emma would only shake her head at you “You know, I thought it was just stress and lack of sleep too, but it wasn’t” she’d rub her visibly pregnant belly as she recalled the symptoms she’s experienced before she found out she was expecting.
Emma successfully planted the seed of doubt in your mind without even realizing.
You tried rationalizing feeling fatigued and nauseous for a while, thinking that upon the completion of your projects your symptoms would disappear. But, oh, how wrong you were. Each passing day became harder for you, as tiredness became a looming presence throughout your everyday life. Barely being able to keep your eyes open and containing your breakfast in your stomach, you grew anxious of the prophetic words Emma told you weeks ago. Out of desperation, you looked up pregnancy symptoms to calm your raging nerves down. Fatigue? Check. Nausea? Check. Morning sickness? Check. Mood swings? Check. Missed period? Check.
You knew you wouldn’t have to continue reading, but you foolishly held onto the hope that there would be at least one big symptom that would contradict your fears. Defeated, you put your phone down on your coffee table. Scrolling through a seemingly endless list of possible pregnancy symptoms drained you, but the uncertainty ate you alive. so you mustered up all of your strength and courage to walk into the closest pharmacy and get a pregnancy test. To calm my nerves, you’d think as you picked up whichever pregnancy test the pharmacist advised you to buy.
This leads you to where you are currently. The results took an agonizingly long amount of time, and you started to overthink again. Truth be told, while you weren’t planning on it anytime soon, you assumed it would happen one day. The main reason you felt so anxious was your boyfriend’s reaction to you possibly being pregnant. You weren’t even sure if Kazutora, your beloved boyfriend, even wanted to have children of his own. The conversation about settling down with kids just never seemed to pop up in any past conversations you had with him. You didn’t have a lot to go off on; all you really knew was that while Kazutora was good with kids, he still had issues he needed to work through.
What would he say? Would he be angry? Happy? Would he leave? Your stomach churned as the thoughts flooded your mind. Your eyes were focused on the pregnancy test in your hands, however you didn’t pay attention to it.
Your trance- like state was interrupted by a loud knock on your bathroom door “Hey, you ok in there?” Kazutora’s muffled voice, filled with worry, came from the other side of the door. Your heart skipped a beat when you heard his voice, not expecting him to come home so soon. Clumsily, you stood up a little too quickly and rushed to open the door for him, leaving the pregnancy test on the sink. You swung the door open, coming face to face with the man you loved most. His loving face was scrunched with worry, eyebrows knitted as he took your panicked state in “Hey, baby. Didn’t think I’d see you home so early. How was work?”
“Was alright. I tried calling you, but you didn’t pick up the phone, so I came home to check on you” Kazutora replied, his gaze still fixed on your tired looking face “You look awful. Maybe we should go and get you checked up”
You shock your head vehemently “No! No, there’s no need for that. Trust me, I’m healthy” Placing your hands on his face. The warmth of his skin brought you comfort, calming you down a bit before you continued “Trust me, I am fine”
Your boyfriend narrowed his eyes at you “Babe, no. This is getting out of hand, you need to see a doctor” He huffed, walking past you to get to the bathroom “Get dressed, I’ll drive you there” Kazutora walked towards the sink. Cold sweat coated your skin as you watched him reach the sink and turn on the faucet. This was it, the point of no return. You knew he would see the pregnancy test, and he’d be the first to see results - even before you yourself could see it for yourself. You began mentally cursing yourself; for not looking at the test before you rushed to open the door for him, for not hiding the test, for not being careful enough. Bracing yourself for his reaction, you watched his movements stutter. The water running from the faucet splashed in the background, hitting the stone material of the sink harshly, was the only noise drowning out the deafening silence between you and Kazutora.
“Baby, is this what I think it is?” Kazutora silently asked, his voice unsteady and quiet. You almost wouldn’t have caught his question if you weren’t hyper fixated on him. You couldn’t tell if this was a good or bad sign, hell you weren’t even sure what the results were in the first place. Coming to the realization that you needed to be truthful, you sighed and started to explain “I haven’t seen the results yet. I’ve been feeling” You paused, sighing, before continuing “I haven’t been feeling myself for some time now”
“I understand” Kazutora turned the faucet off, the splashing of water suddenly coming to a stop before he turned around to see you.
A soft smile graced his features, the same one that made you fall head over heels for him all those years ago. Just like the sun hitting ice, his relaxed, loving expression was enough to melt your worries away “So? You wanna know the results?” You nodded eagerly, expecting to be given the pregnancy test from your lover. He handed you the test, his touch lingering. Kazutora intently watched your face as you looked down to see the pregnancy test in your hand.
Two lines. Positive.
A gasp left your lips, hands flying to clasp over your mouth to contain your bubbling emotions. Your gaze switches between the positive test and Kazutora. The realization that you are very much pregnant hits you hard, but the realization that you worried about him not taking the news well for nothing knocked you off your feet.
Happy tears welled up in your eyes and soft sobs escaped through your lips. Closing the distance between you and him, the ravenette gently held your waist with one hand and cupped your cheek with the other one. His calloused thumb swiped over your soft skin, wiping away the small droplets of tears escaping your eyes “I’m so bad with words, but baby I need you to know how happy you make me. From the moment we have met, to the day you’ve agreed to date me. But today, you’ve made me by far the happiest I have ever been”
You choked up when you saw his golden eyes become glassy, feeling his usually steady hand shake with every word he speaks to you. Your hands moved away from your mouth, cradling your lover’s face instead. Lovingly, you gazed into each others’ eyes as you stood in your small bathroom, feeling the butterflies flutter in your stomach while Kazutora’s hand moved to place itself over your tummy - holding the two most precious people in his life.
#might write a part two bc I have some ideas#tr x reader#tr fluff#baji x reader#baji keisuke x reader#tr baji#tokyo revengers x you#tokyo revengers x reader#tokyo revengers fluff#hanma x reader#hanma tr#hanma shuji x reader#tokyo revengers kazutora#kazutora x reader#kazutora hanemiya#tokyo revengers headcanons
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dust to dust
PeterMJ | E | 18 chapters
“Why are you here, Peter? What are you hoping to get from marriage counseling?”
Peter shrugs then, looks at MJ all shy, then looks away.
“I miss her,” he says quietly. The admission makes her stomach flutter.
“What about you, Michelle?”
“I miss him, too.”
She looks down at their joined hands, her wedding ring glinting in the light. He squeezes her hand and it feels like he’s squeezing her heart, like he’s saying I’m here, I hear you.
For all that it’s crossed her mind to leave, she’s never been able to give up on Peter Parker. She isn’t about to start now."
Or, Peter and MJ and marriage counseling.
fourteen.
#petermj fic#spideychelle fic#another update!#i'm on a roll!#really it's just my meds are working again#and escapism
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I'll either succeed or I'll learn trying
#I wanna REMEMBER THIS!!!!!!!!#its helpful for me to keep in mind#not failing. learning#learning. learning makes failures into something worthwhile#grimacing as I repeat this to myself#text post#delete later#idk saying it cause it made me be like heh. nice#so idk might make someone else be like hm... nice#so LAMGOMSAGKLSAJGALKGJASLKGMSALKGJ#there is not much thought behind the things I post there's just not really much thought in general#honestly that is not true#I overthing everything. on account of the anxiety#but it's all good#speaking of the doc gave me an anti anxiety med on top of the adhd thing#so that's cool#seems to be working though..#she told me I could up the dose and I might do that in like a week if it feels like hrmm#I asked for all the instructions about starting stopping upping lowering or changing the time I take things#cause yknow. those things matter and I like to experiment to figure out whats best for me#this has nothing to do with the post#also they messed up my order again#i only got 180 books#bro theres 120 more#where are they#give me my books!!! please!!!!!!!1#I'll wait til tomorrow#its possible they just didnt fit on the truck. thats completely reasonable
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College (uni??) AU catering to my own interests as it should always be hehe :)
#projecting my major on Vash because them mfs who have changed from the med field majors to that one have some tragic things to tell#and also because I think that Vash would be such a wonderful designer I don’t know why it’s a gut feeling#Nai the law major because of course he would have you seen the guy#he would be a personal injury lawyer because lore#fun fact Nai rested for a semester after the incident with Vash while Vash took two.He never told Nai he would be changing majors#so it was a big big shock for him. they fought again but yk I’ll explain more on that if anyone is interested#as to Kni and WW I thought it’d be funny if they shared a common subject that required a lot of team assignments#and they can NEVER work out together. being an absolute nightmare to the rest of their group#separately they are great to work with. even if Kni can come off as too bossy sometimes he is actually a great leader#and WW would always deliver things on time exactly as it was asked from him#but Kni and WW just never really matched. Kni was too rude at times when WW made a mistake and WW would always clock him if he passed a line#like insulting his reasons for wanting to study security#one day Kni tells him at the beginning of a new semester where they both have unfortunately landed on a shared subject again#“you are not suited for that sort of job Wolfwood. you should simply give up and why don’t you go play role model to your little kids’’#then WW beats him again and then is like hey yk what you’re kinda right. and changed majors and he feels so much more at home studying#education/teaching than security. he fucking hates some things but the end goal makes it worthy#Trigun Uni! AU#because I don’t know how differently a college and a uni work#trigun#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#trigun stampede#vashwood#trigun fanart#wolfwood#vash#Nai saverem#millions knives#lenssi draws#pen!
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So it turns out there's a big craft guild organization thing only a few hours from where I live (I saw an ad for their craft fair), and I got like half my holiday shopping done on their website, and the box arrived today! The thing I was most excited to see in person is fragile, though, and it's really well wrapped in bubble wrap and I don't want it to break when I mail it to the friend it's for, so I am not unwrapping it, but oh man the temptation is there lol I also got myself a little metal bug made of a bottle cap and some wire. It lives on my little corkboard where I put postcards and thank you cards now
#the person behind the yarn#I have gotten a little sewing done today during my lunch break#but not much! not much#these unprecedented times sure are not good for my stress levels lol#but the indoor wasp is outdoor wasp again#and I managed to successfully request prescription refills from two of my doctors this week#(for different medications) so that was good! I'm allergic to an inactive ingredient used by most pharmacies in one med#so I have to get just that one medication from a different pharmacy chain and it throws doctors for a loop every time#other good things: I had the answers ready for a question my boss unexpectedly asked during a meeting today#when my dad last went shopping he got more kleenex and the boxes have flamingoes on them so that's cool!#uhhh my dad is volunteering more which means I get to help out more with some prep things for volunteering#which is great I miss volunteering but I can't do what I used to anymore#for the record I did make this post almost entirely to convince myself not to unwrap the super cool thing for my friend#the other small percentage is because I really like the metal bug#I want to make some metal bugs#I don't think I have any of whatever the artist used for filling the bottle cap but I have hot glue that'll probably work#...I think I'm going to make some metal bugs
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Women, so pretty, so shaped, i am so lesbian,,,
#im also incredibly dysphoric tonight#but i was told by my coworker im incredibly feminine by her earlier#and i mean yeah#.....#i am a tall weird internet woman who likes to draw#so funny how i thought i was bi#I'm just really into women...#my ex is a trans guy and he told me he thinks im lesbian and i had a “holy fuck this explains so much moment”#we broke up but we still have a weird queer relationship outside of social heteronormative norms that is hard to explain and only we#can really understand#im not into men because you know#im a lesbian#had a weird period in my life when i was dating a guy and said im a lesbian and i felt sooooo scared#turns out when youre on meds and your brain is working right you just stop caring about such things#i went on a parade wearing big lesbian flag and girls loved it :)#i dont really know if i ever want to date anyone again#but i think if you look at my art you can really tell my sexuality quite easily lolol#funny how love can be so complicated sometimes#i mean it was kind of inevitable we break up cause we're kind of incompatible but tbh#it was better for us#hehe
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I’ve been really thinking of reopening my art shop soon… I’ve been taking some practice doodles (hence all the posting lately) while I shake off my rust and I’m finding things I enjoy working on again. I miss trying my hand at more dragons/OCs and colors. my shop’s so broken rn lmao but that’s a problem for a later date it’s just nice getting back into art
#my mental health is starting to improve a bit#took a couple years but I found some meds that finally work better for me#ofc things aren’t 100% but I was really in a pit for a while#like ‘did not leave my house in months and slept 14 hours a day’ kind of pit#so. any improvement is better lol. but nah I’ve been making real improvement and im doing better. a lil shaky sometimes but that’s expected#diagnosed with chronic fatigue too. which is unfortunate but not unexpected. i am indeed god’s sleepiest soldier#i feel like a raisin slowly rehydrating but considering i was in a desert before any hydration is welcome#just learning how to enjoy things again overall#one thing I just couldn’t get myself to do (and enjoy) was art. doodles here and there but nothing to post#and it’s kind of funny because I feel like that downtime actually gave me a chance to think about what I wanted to work on#even when I wasn’t actively practicing#just paying attention to things I guess. enjoying art styles#i genuinely think my experimenting with stained is helping me learn colors#i spend hours in the scryshop im glad it’s paying off lmao#i want to tackle bigger things but i just gotta ease myself into the hang of things again#for now im having fun and that’s coooool. thank you all for your nice comments#i read all tags while kicking my feet and giggling. thank u all#that’s the update on Me tho. more to come hopefully#starting next month/julyish I will have a significant amount of time to dedicate to drawing which i intend on doing#so who knooowwwsss#rambles#funny enough coloring has become my favorite part of the process now. it used to be lineart. now lineart annoys me LOL#i also feel like i kinda lost my ability to write which has been frustrating but im focusing on art first#anyways that’s a whole different tangent rant over
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tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"
#bakuspeech#number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u#he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up#(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out)#we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment#and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here#but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something#but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku#but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this#this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and#that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing#but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it#its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with#and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually#I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay#but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol#not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real#and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself#and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god#that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao#but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them#have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway
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its past midnight and time to yap about Mouthwashing. Anyway obviously we don't see the Specific Events only how the characters react but with Anya... Okay I'm going to talk about the Sexual Assault not with Specific Details but that's what the post is about so
Anyways she reads to me as very like... trying to downplay the severity to herself. Like thinking through it (not having the exact quotes but) I feel like it'd be an unfortunately natural reaction- if you were stuck with 4 guys and the guy with the second highest position on the ship assaulted you depending on the situation. I feel like its not hard to imagine you'd try and reframe it as Less Bad to cope because let me be honest if I had to confront the implications of that, mainly the fact he could do it again and I wouldn't have any real way of dealing with it without complicating things even further bc he doesn't just have a close relationship with the guy with the Most Power on the ship, he also is in charge of keeping Me and The Other People On The Ship Safe, i would be in deep denial just to not lose my god damn mind like thats so fucking scary. And then the implication you tried to talk to the captain and even if he wasn't cruel he didn't Understand the Severity of what you were suggesting is like. Besides feeling afraid it could genuinely really fuck with my own perception bc like "if this guy who I trust says he's not a bad person maybe I'm just overreacting?" is. Again unfortunately understandable.
And again I'll say that Anya fully breaks down when the news breaks that pony express is fucked and like. 1. I think that's related to her own finances (and also. Literally just realized the way an abortion could interact badly with "no savings" like I Just Processed that fact. Like I knew "oh if she couldn't abort having to support a child wouldn't just be traumatic but also fucking nightmarish finance wise" but even having an abortion could make things so much harder.) 2. Jimmy LASHES OUT at Curly OPENLY. again based on my interpretation of Mildly In Denial To Cope this would. Like. Really fuck with that because it goes from "I trust the captain and I don't want to be afraid of my crewmate for a year" to "oh he is willing to verbally abuse the captain, who is his friend" and realizing I wasn't overreacting.
I also wanna point to the dead pixel conversation and obv it's symbolic but idk if it's meant as "there's a dead pixel that Anya noticed and she's using the topic to like test the waters" or if it's "anya is literally just trying to figure out Curly's thought process" which isn't like super important but like. Focusing on the way she starts the conversation by saying that she "Likes the illusion the screen has". (I don't remember the exact words sorry) But that's really interesting to me bc obviously you can read into Curly not seeing the dead pixel and instead focusing on the bigger picture (and how the dead pixel "doesn't ruin the illusion") but I think it's really interesting that Anya starts by talking Positively about the screen even though the dead pixel is there (and she can't stop thinking about it)
Like thinking through implications option 1: she's talking about the screen and uses the dead pixel to get a feel for how Curly responds to her bringing up issues
2: she's being entirely metaphorical and still trying to sort of self soothe- seeking external validation that the dead pixel Isn't Actually That Big A Deal (and therefore she's just overthinking)
3: idk how to phrase this exactly but ppl have talked Abt the way she talks to Jimmy, how it indicates a sort of "Fawn" response where she tries to keep him calm with compliments and stuff, and her talking about "enjoying the illusion" is her trying to do something similar with Curly- essentially starting the metaphor by downplaying the issue
Anyway. I don't know if I have a full conclusion but another thing is I think ppl need to acknowledge that while Curly fucked up and harmed Anya (mainly thru inaction). He's not uniquely shitty. Most people will be in a situation where they act similarly, and that DOES NOT JUSTIFY HIS ACTIONS. I AM NOT SAYING CURLY IS ANY BETTER. I am saying that you need to be able to recognize your capacity for harm thru inaction and understand that like. He's not uniquely terrible he's just Normal Levels Of Unhelpful, which in a situation like Anya's is Dangerous
Like. Basically you can say "fuck jimmy fuck curly" all you want but you need to be able to understand that everyone including yourself has the same capacity for harm
#Mouthwashing spoilers#Rape ment#SA ment#Ask to tag#Idk I will say with the Anya thing: I'm a little bit speaking from personal experience#Of. There are things that I think about like ''ppl say These Things (that I experienced) are Very Bad but I don't think that's the case#For me'' like. Not consciously ''oh I'm over reacting'' but more ''well maybe my situation is different'' and it's really hard to figure ou#How much of that is genuinely the case and how much is denial y'know. 👍#Also Curly is a trans guy to me bc I'm hungry for characters who are trans men and just as culpable of willful ignorance and harm#As cis men. Anyway if anyone has a diff take on Anya's situation and)or mindset I'm open to hear it this is just my thoughts#Based on how the scenes read to me.#Also like the situation is delicate and this isn't like A Perfect Fix but genuinely Curly should've given Anya the gun#I don't think she would've shot it but it works as a Defensive Threat in a way that would give her security and also deter jimmy from being#A fucking problem because he doesn't experience consequences for his actions due to a mix of Captain's Friend and#''we can't really do shit to him or we lose our co-pilot'' (even tho he fucking sucks at his job they don't learn that until he#Is The Captain so they likely assume he's at least fucking. Functional and they would be worse off with him out of commission. Y'know)#But then again Jimmy's allergic to responsibility and consequences to the point of murder suicide so maybe Anya wouldve had to shoot him#Idk. Imagine me pacing full of rage. Imagining a universe where Anya can just fucking go to med school and doesn't have to deal with#The pony express. FUCK THE PONY EXPRESS
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I very much enjoy booping, but tumblr is running like ass today and I'm already low on spoons so I'm not returning boops as well as I'd like :(
#I'm not sure if it's because I didn't sleep well last night or something else#last night was my first night in like 3 months I've been off of my sleep meds#my doctor's trying something that's safer for long-term use but my insurance is taking#its sweet time approving the new stuff and I can't get a refill on my old stuff unless the new stuff doesn't work XD;;;;#I'm impressed I actually made it out of bed before noon today tbh#I'm not sure if I just got really lucky of if I actually fixed my sleep schedule this time#I tried once before 2yrs ago and it kind of worked but then I got covid and everything went to hell so I didn't try again#then a few months ago I got sucked into relying on my meds because I have addictive tendencies and it's REALLY nice being able to sleep#regularly after a lifetime of bad sleep#I really hope last night wasn't a fluke because I'd love to not be reliant on meds to sleep#like I slept terribly compared to on the meds but normally the rebound insomnia from coming off is like 10x's worse than last night#like I normally just don't sleep for a day after going off the meds#but I got like 4-5hrs during the night and actually woke up in the morning. That's HUGE for me unmedicated#I'm very tired#emmy ramblings
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mfw my chronic illness actually deeply affects my quality of life and ability to interact with people and participate in society
#i think. it has not been very good for me to simply not speak about it for the better part of 2 decades#i havent even talked about it with my closest friends much until recently (because i havent been able to see them much. due to the illness)#and theyve been very kind about it#but i still cant speak about the like. mental and emotional toll. i really cant#anyway anyway right now im just white knuckle gripping onto the possibility of being able to ride my bike again#if/when these new meds work. whenever my insurance decides i deserve them
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actual conversation i had with my dental hygienist
hygienist: so what did you study at university?
me: chemistry...
hygienist: damn, no wonder you look so sad!
#this is especially funny now that i got a new job and it has like... barely anything to do with my degree LMAOOOO#mostly bc the job market is rough rn and i kinda need the money more than anything... but damn LOL#and then he proceeded to give me a speech about his own road to becoming a hygienist#how he started in business but then hated it so he started dj-ing#then found that he got bored of it and so he went to med school. but found that too much of a hassle as well#so now hes in dental school and working as a hygienist as he completes his schooling and is NOW debating on changing careers again#and like noah fence to the guy i know he was trying to be encouraging about how 'ur degree shouldnt shackle u to one type of career'#but also his carefree nature is sending alarm bells in my head bc the only ppl who speak like that are people who can Afford#to soul search like that. bc if i knew my parents are there to catch me if my new venture failed#damn i'd do fucking whatever i wanted to as well!! but ofc idk if hes really rich like that#he did have an aura tho. rich people aura. they got a way of talking sometimes... especially western ppl....#ANYWAY.... just wanted to share how i got scalped with my mouth wide open filled with blood thank u for listening to my ted talk#zee talks
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man i sure wish i had the energy to do anything at all!
okay well it's not entirely true that i haven't been doing anything. i'm cooking. trust.
#meds make it so i can't really strongly differentiate between depressive episodes and regular depression#it's moreso a constant depression with random spurts of energy in between long periods of doing nothing but sleeping and working#but the art i HAVE managed to produce has gone pretty hard ngl.#i think it's also the current political climate here in america. it's hostile and i'm drifting away from my family because of it#and that's been pretty rough#it's been a gradual drift away that started in high school and has just intensified through adulthood#but i love my friends and my favs and cats and music#i think coming to terms with being disabled has been a punch to the gut since now my options SHOULD be open. but there's SO MUCH i can't do#things are looking up for me in the general sense. i'm in a good spot in my life right now but that doesn't stop the perpetual brainfog#nothing will ever really stop this everpresent depression but i'm generally stable and healthy so it is what it is#it feels good to love and be loved and that's what keeps me going#if i'm sad? sleep it off. go to work then sleep for 16 hrs a day on my days off. then work again. easy#the life of a productive little worker bee is great!#ress thinks#okay rant over. i'm not in a bad place rn dw! i just like to yap
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i know i'm not allowed to give up yet bc i've only been on objectively mediocre migraine preventatives and i haven't even tried botox yet but that's actually not that comforting when it's been several years of chronic migraine, and an entire consecutive year of unrelenting pain, to some degree or another, and trialing said mediocre preventatives, and my insurance company has made it very clear that they don't want me to get botox or one of the monthly CGRP antagonist injections and they'd probably rather i just die so they don't have to keep denying my claims. god. i, too, wish i was dead. but i'm still here and it still hurts so could i at least have some medical care please???
#lou is loud#migraine#suicide mention#i'm past the triptan rebound headaches too :( it's still bad#i'm starting to think about taking them again ngl#i know in the long term i'll just have to go off again but goddd they're the only thing that brings meaningful relief that lasts more than#a few hours tbh#a few hours is pushing it with most of my meds i really don't have any options that even consistently work for that long#also crazy that no one has let me so much as touch an opioid yet even though i've failed almost everything else#i don't like. Want to be on opioids. i don't think anyone does. but i'm desperate
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Got a cardiologist appointment today 🥲 hope I get a good grade in high blood pressure
#apparently my bp meds are no longer working#because my bp has been elevated again lately#what did i do wrong#ive been taking them every day like a good cow#and they were working really well for like a year or so#but now nuh uh#nervous#i dont wanna do more tests and shit#i just wanna be healthy without trying#like my stupid lucky partner who never has any problems#grrrrrrr
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at what point am i to blame for what adhd does to me. at what point is it "adhd made it fucking physically impossible for me to focus today so i didnt do much work and hate it" versus just "i didnt do much work." am i allowed to feel shitty about it or is that just wallowing
#genuine question honestly#like. it feels like fucking shit to not have anything to show for sitting at a computer for 8+ hrs#but like thats My Fucking Fault for not doing the work#like god i tried but it just wasnt good enough#and like. what am i allowed to say about it? oh my adhd meds ran out (5 months ago) thats why it didnt work out?#but the reason i havent gotten new ones and let these ones run out is bcs of the same exact reason#i just couldnt bring myself to refill them just like i couldnt work today#so thats again my fault and it Sucks SoBad#i base a lot of my self worth on being productive and adhd makes mr feel like im not worth much when i cant do anything#UGH ANYWAY thats dramatic but. idk. bums me out i really was looking forward to working a long time today#adhd#neurodivergent#neurodiversity#actually adhd#adhd problems#adhd brain#vent#rant#adhd rant#neurodiverse stuff
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